AN APOLOGY. 1. Or rather a retractation. 2. Or rather a recantation. 3. Or rather a recapitulation. 4. Or rather a replication. 5. Or rather an examination. 6. Or rather an accusation. 7. Or rather an explication. 8. Or rather an exhortation. 9 Or rather a consideration. 10. Or rather a confirmation. 11. Or rather all of them. 12. Or rather none of them. WHen I had finished the precedent pamphlet, & in mine own fantasy very sufficiently evacuated my head of such homely stuff, of which it might seem it was very full charged, and showed how little conceit or opinion I had of mine own ability to handle stately matters, by choosing so mean a subject to discharge myself upon: I thought now to rest me a while, and to gather some strength, by feeding on some finer meats, & making some cullises and restoratives for myself out of some other men's kitchens, & not open this vain any more. But I laboured all in vain to stop such a vain: for certain people of the nature of those that first dwelled in the Canaries, have forced me to a further labour. For whether Canaries were so called, of the dogs that were found in them. it were overwatching myself at primero, or eating too much venison, which they say is a very melancholy meat: I know not how, but betimes one morning when we use commonly to take our sweetest sleep, namely between eight and half hour past ten, I was either in so strange a dream, or in so strong a melancholy, that me thought there came to me a nimble dapper fellow (I can not hit on his name) one that hath pretty petifogging skill in the law, and hath been an undershiriffe (but not thrice) and is now in the nature of an Attorney, this honest The saying is Thrice an undersheriff & ever a knave. friend told me this solemn tale; I was (saith he) yesternight at supper at () Ordinary, and there met M. Zoilus, M. Momus, and three or four good natured Gentlemen more of the same crew, and toward the end of supper they fell to talking (as their manner is) of certain books lately come forth. And one of them told how Lipsyas the great Politic (that learned to speak so good English but a while since) had written a book de Cruse, protesting that though he understood not the language, yet it offended his conscience, to see so many crosses in one book, and he have so few in his purse; then they spoke of M. Raynolds book against Bellarmine, but they could found no fault with it, for they said it was of a matter they used not to trouble themselves withal: thirdly they descanted of the new Fairy Queen & the old both, and the greatest fault they could found in it, was that the last verse disordered their mouths, and was like a trick of xvij. in a sinkapace. Finally they ran over many men's writings, saying some wanted rhyme, some wanted reason, and someboth. One they said, was so young, that he had not yet learned to writ, another so old, he had forgotten to writ, & was fit now to be donatus rude, as Horace saith. But to make short, at last one of them pulled out of his bosom, a book that was not to be sold in Paul's churchyard, but only that he had borrowed it of his friend, and it was entitled The metamorpho-sis of Ajax, at which they began to make marvelous sport: and because it was a rainy night, they agreed to read over the whole discourse to pass the time with. First they read the author's name, & though they understood it not, yet that it might not pass without a jest, they swore that it signified Myse in a sack of moss. They read the letters, and stumbling once or twice on a figure called Misacmos. Prolepsis or prevention, they were angry their scoffs were so prevented. But when they found Rabbles named, than they were at home, they looked for pure stuff where he was cited for an author. The letters being ended, they perused the pictures, they swore they were fit for a gongfarmer and a chimney-sweeper. Than And they both be honester occupations, than Zoilus and Momus. they fell to the Metamorpho-sis, it pleased them well, they said it was scurril, base, shallow, sordidous; the ditty, the dirge, the etymology, the pictures, gave matter of jest, of scorn, of derision, of contempt. At last, they came to the true intent (as they thought) of the whole discourse of reforming Master Ajax ill breath, why, they were so pleased with it, they were ready to untruss, and thought to have gone to it presently; but when they came to the exposition of the name Misacmos, and found it was a hater of filth, it was such a jerk, that they were half out of countenance with it; 'swounds saith one of them, this fellow is an enemy to us, for we are counted but filthy fellows among the grave gray-beards. But at last, when they were come to the double distichon, directly entitled to them by name, they had no sooner read it, but there was such spitting & spalling, as though they had been half choked, they thought they should never get the taste out of their mouths, yet they took immediately fifty pipes of Tobacco between Martial saith Quincuncies puto post decem peractos. five of them, and an ounce or two of kissing comfits. And soon after, swearing over a Pater noster or two, and cursing two or three Credoes, (I mean the pox & three or four small curses) they vowed a solemn revenge, and taking pen and ink, they fell to quoting of it, meeting with some matter almost in every page, either to deride or to carp at, and when they had done (for it would make a book to tell all that passed among them) at last one of them, that had some more judgement, but not less malice than the rest, said in great choler, Doth this idle headed writer, because he can tell a tale of old Stercutius out of S. Augustine, think that his wit will serve him to found means to amend the ill savours in Ritchmond and Greenwich? Not, if Hercules that served Augeus, if Atlas that sustained the world, if S. Christopher that is painted at Richmond with his carriage, qui tollit peccata mundi, if all these should join with him, I doubt if it could be done. Yet said another of them (in scoff) we may thank him for his good meaning. Nay rather, said a third man in earnest, let us plague him for his mallapertnesse. In conclusion they all laid their heads together as near as they could for their brow antlers, and devised to indite you at a privy Sessions. Some said, you could not be indicted, That they found in the 44. page. except you were put out of the peace first; but strait one alleged a precedent in Wiltshire, of a justice indicted for a barreter: Now therefore (said my little Attorney) advise you how to answer it, for the Session will be a purchased Session sooner than you look for. He had but new ended his speech, and I had scarce leisure to thank him, when me thought there rushed into my chamber, a thick well trussed fellow, with a badge just over his heart, and commands me in the name that I love above all names, to go immediately with him. I must say truly, that though I blessed the name he used, and the badge he ware; yet I beshrewed his heart for bringing me no better news next my heart, but with him I went (for needs he must go whom the Devil drives) and yet why should I belly the Devil? I think for forty shillings more than his fee, he would have been seeking me a month in every place save where I was. But to proceed, me thought this gentle pursuivant brought me before an austere and grave Magistrate, whom I greatly loved and honoured, to answer to diverse objections and articles that I never expected to be charged with, I comforted myself as well as I could with an old adage or two, qui vadit plane vadit sane, the plain way hath the surest footing, and magna est veritas, & praevalet, great is the truth, and prevaileth, and then answered my accusers as I could. The manner of the accusation, was not much unlike the assault of a town: for first they skirmished as it were with small shot, which I bore off with the armour and shield of plain dealing and honest simplicity, but finding their forces increase, I was glad to retire me into the castle of innocency, where they made a sore battery, with Rabbinets, Minions, Sakers, & Demicamnons'. For as God would have it, they had no Cannons, but thus Cannons signify rules of law. Now they are not right camnons but bastard cannons, that batter innocency. they objected, and thus I answered. Some laid to my charge, I was an idle fellow, and showed by my writings I had little to do. Alas said I, it is too true, and therefore if you know any man that hath an office to spare, you may do well to prefer me to it: for it were a bad office that I would not change for this I have taken upon me; and if I had another, I would be content this were divided among you. Some said I was 〈◊〉 such a fool to think 2 seriously the devise worthy to be published and put in practice; as a common benefit, trust me that is true to. Some supposed, that because my writings now lay dead, and had not been 3 thought of this good while; I thought (as Alcibiades cut of his dog's tail, to make the people talk of his curtal) so I would sand my Muse abroad, masking naked in a net that I might say. Nunc iterum volito viva per ora virum. Of my honour that is not true. Will you deny it on your oath? Not by our Lady, not for a thousand pounds. Some said plainly, because my last work was an other man's invention, and that 4 some fine phrase-making fellows, had found a distinction between a versifier and a Poet, I wrote this to show I could be both when I listed, though I mean to be neither, as Thales Milesius, by making himself rich in one year showed his contempt of riches. The devil of the lie that is. Some surmised against me, that because the time is so toying, that wholesome 5 meats cannot be digested without wanton sauce, and that even at wise men's tables, fools have most of the talk, therefore I came in with a babble to have my tale heard, I must needs confess it. Some said that in emulation of outlandish wits, and to be one of the first English, 6 that had given the venture to make the title of his work the worstpart of it; I was persuaded to writ of such an argument, I will never deny that while I live. Some affirmed that I had taken this laughing liberty to grace some that have 7 favoured me, and grate against some that had galled me, guilty my Lord. Alas poor Gentleman (say the standers by) he will be condemned certainly for this that he hath confessed already, if he be not saved by his book: let us hear what he will answer to the rest of the indictment. You did mean some disgrace in the 8 letter afore the book and in many passages of the book itself, to Ladies and Gentlewomen. Who I? God damn me if I love them not, I fear more to be damned for loving them too well. You did think to scoff at some Gentlemen 9 that have served in some honourable services, though with no great good success. As jam a Gentleman not guilty: neither do I mean any, but such as will needs be called M. Captains, having neither carried out with them, not brought home with them, worth, wealth, or wit. You did seek to discredit the honest 10 meaning & laudable endeavours of some zealous & honest men, that seek for reformation, & labour faithfully & fruitfully in the word. To this in all & every not guilty, provided they rail not against bishops nor against the Communion book. You did intent some scorn to great 11 Magistrates & men in authority, either alive or deceased, under covert names to cover some knavery. Knavery? no as God judge me my Lord, not guilty, the good year of all the knavery and knaves to for me. By whom will you be tried? By the Queen and the Ladies, by the Counsel and the Lords. What saucy younker will not meaner trial serve you? Not good faith my Lord, I loved always to be the worst of the company. Well sirrah this is the judgement of the Court, that because there is hope you may prove a wiser man hereafter, and that you have some better friends than you are worthy of, you shall have this favour; if the indiment happen to be found, you shall travers it, and you shall choose xii. free holder's bonos & legales homines, that shall inquire of the quality of your discourse, and bring in their verdict quindena Paschae & if they found you guilty, you shall have a hole bored in your ear. What to do? to wear my Mrs. favour at? Now, God save your Mrs. life my Lord. Clarcke of the peace draw his endytement upon the four last articles that he denied, & upon the Statute of Scandala, for I tell you Anno 1. 2. Ph. M. Cap. 3. Anno. 23. Elis. Cap. 2. we must teach you to learn the laws of the Realm, as well as your rules of Poetry. Laws? I trow I have the law at my finger's ends. Aures perdentes super & sint Pillory stantes, Scanda rumantes in Regis consiliantes, Aut in magnates nova sediciosa loquentes, Non producentes autores verba serentes. Their ears must on the Pillory be nailed ', That have against her highness counsel railed ', Or such as of the Peers fowl brutes do scatter, And cannot bring their author for the matter. Wherhfore you shall found I will keep me safe enough from scandaling. And if you do, it is the better for you. What is your name? Misacmos. What it is a Welsh name I think? of whence do you writ yourself? Misacmos of Carnaruam Gentleman. Who made you of Carnaruam? She that made you of England. Well you shall far never the worse for that, but look to the answering I mean no Lawyer of our time, but one that martial speaks of. of your endytement I advise you. What must I have no counsel? Strait a big fellow with a beggin on his head, and his gown of of one shoulder, cries no, the Queen is a party. But I had rather your gown were of the other, shoulder & your head after, than you should make her a party against me, & yet as ill as I love you, I would my second son had changed possibillities with your eldest for a thing that I know, and thus after a few wrangling words, me thought the Court rose for that time, and suddenly my man came bustling into my chamber and told me, that all the Gentlemen that had been riding on the heath were come back again, and that it was near xi. of the clock, and strait I called for my suit of Abrizetta, and made all the hast I could to make me ready, not so much as tarrying to say my prayers, lest I might not come time enough to the peace of God at the closet, and so I might be in danger to lose my dinner. But having somewhat better ponderd with myself this foresaid fancy, I was somewhat troubled with it, not so much for those hanging Metaphors, for as a good Knight of our country said, gog's soul sirs, the best Gentleman of us all need not forswear hanging, but that I thought that my Genius hereby presaged to me some peril to my reputation, of the sundry censures I should incur by letting such a Pamphlet fly abroad at such a time, when every thing is taken at the volley, and therefore I held it not unnecessary, as much as in me lay, to keep it from the view and censure of all such as were like to deride it, despise it, or disgrace it, and to recommend it only to all such as I thought would allow it & approve it. For to confess the truth frankly to you my good cousins 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, I desire not altogether to have it concealed, lest some hungry promoting fellows should beg it as a concealment, and beg the author also, for writing a thing that he were ashamed to show, but if I might govern the matter as I would, I would generally recommend it only to such as have houses and families of their own. For I remember I have read of a certain king of the Lacedæmonians, that being one day private in his garden, was teaching one of his sons of five years old to ride on a stick, and unawares a great Ambassador came to speak with him, & found him in the manner: at which, both the king, and the Ambassador in the king's behalf began to blush at first; but soon after, the king put away the blush, & the hobby horse together, and with a pretty smile asked the Ambassador, if he had any little children of his own? He answered no. Than said he, I pray you tell not what you found me doing, till you have some little ones of your own, and then tell it, and spare not. For even so, I would request men to forbear reading of this discourse, or at lest reproving of it; till they had of their own that, that would make them know the commodity and cleanliness of it, & for those that will not, I would but wish them (as Martial wishes to Charinus. Quid imprecabor o severe Liventi. Opto Mulos habeat & suburbanum) so I would, they could ride on their foot-cloth, and had a house, and A JAX of their own. Yet surely it may be, it were the wisest way to show it to none at all, and so I half wish sometimes, but because every general rule must have his exception, you shall see whom I would be content both the discourse, and the devise may be showed unto. First to a good and judicious scholar, 1 for he will read it, ear he will judge of Directions for showing the book. it, and say omnia probate; & then perhaps after he hath read it, he will smile, and say it is some young scholars work, that would have showed more wit if he had had it; but it is well, ridentem dicere verum quis vetat, &c: and then he will say, it were good, some of his friends would advise him to spend his talon, and his time on some better subject. But some supercilious fellow, or some stolen scribe, that think men will not judge them to be learned, except they find faults; they will swear, a man would have written as well, that had read but Marcus Aurelius. Secondly, I would have it showed to a 2 housekeeper, that hath much resort to him, for it were not only a deed of charity to help such a one, but a sin to hide it from him; for else he may pick a quarrel (and say) that this same company hath so staunched up his house, that he A common excuse of such as break up house. must be forced to lie at London, till his house be made sweeter. Thirdly, if one be a builder and no 3 housekeeper, let him see it to, for he loves to have all fine for his heir; and perhaps I would be content for the love I have had to that humour, that my master his son, were married to his mistress my daughter; as Heywood saith of a lusty old widower that wooed a young woman, and boasting how well he would provide for his son. In a short tale, when his long tale was done: She prayed him go home & sand her his son. But if one be a builder, & a housekeeper both; then I will come home to his house to him, I will read him a lecture of it, I will instruct his workman, I will give him plots and models, and do him all the service I can: for that is a man of my own humour, & a good common wealths-man; but yet I will give him a caveat in his ear, that I learned of Sir Thomas Moore, if his purse be not well furnished. Aedificare domos multas, & pascere multos, est ad pauperiem, semita laxa nimis. The way from wealth, and store, to want, and need, Is much to build, and many mouths to feed. Fourthly, if you would know whether 4 you should show it to Ladies? Yea in any wise to all manner of Ladies, of the Court, of the country, of the City, great Ladies, lesser Ladies, learned ignorant, wise simple, fowl well-favoured, (painted unpainted) so they be Ladies, you may boldly pray far it to them. For your milkmaid, & country housewives, may walk to the woods to gather strawberries, etc. But greater states cannot do so; & therefore for them it is a commodity more than I will speak of, yet for a touch upon this point, make me but a good rhyme to this line after dinner. Within yond tower, there is a flower, that holds my heart. Howbeit, you must not show it after one fashion to all, but to the wise and sober, after a plain fashion; to the wanton and waggish, after another fashion; as namely, if they cry (fie for shame) when they hear the title read, or such like; do but you say (for company) that it is a mad fantastical book indeed, and when you have done hide it away, but where they may find it, and by the next day, they willbe as cunning in it as you: for this is not the first time that I have said of such a kind of book. In Brutus' presence, Lucrece will refuse it, Let him but turn his back, and sh'ill peruse it. Fiftly, you may show it to all amorous young youths, that will scratch their head but with one finger at once (as Cato noted of Caesar) and had rather be noted of three disorders in their lives, then of one in their locks; and specially if they be so cleanly, that they will not eat pottage (no not alone) but that they will wipe their spoon between every spoonful, for fear lest their upper lip should infect the neither: for I would think certainly, that such a one, if he be so cleanly as he would seem to be, would make great account of A JAX so well reform. But yet the world is so full of dissimulation, and hypocrisy, that we of the plainer sort may be easily deceived; for I heard of one the last day, in a town a hundred mile from London, that had engrossed all the fine fashions into his hands; of the curling, perfuming, wiping the spoon, &c: and yet after all this cleanliness, went to as common, and as deformed A JAX of the feminine gender, as any was in the town, and then alas, what will such a one care for my device. Lastly, I would have it showed to all good fat corpulent men, that carry with them a writ of Corpus cum causa, for Praise 〈◊〉 fat men. they are commonly the best natured men that be; without fraud, without treachery, as Caesar said of Anthony, and Dolabella, that he never mistrusted them for any practice, because he saw they were fat, but rather Casca and Cassius, that were lean hollow fellows, and cared not for a good dinner: And therefore I would be censured by those good fellows that have less gall, and the rather, because I look every day for press money from the Captain, to be employed in the conquest of that country, and this engine of Lubbet land. mine is like to be in great request for those services. But me thinks, you may say that here is a marvelous restraint made of showing this discourse of mine; not much unlike to our stage keepers in Cambridge, that for fear lest they should want company to see their Comedies, go up and down with vizers, and lights, puffing and thrusting & keeping out all men so precisely; till all the town is drawn by this revel to the place; and at last, tag and rag, fresh men and subsizers, & all be packed in together, so thick, as now is scant left room for the Prologue, to come upon the stage: for so you may suppose, that I would bar all from this Pamphlet of mine, save those, that can writ, or read, or understand. But if you take it thus, you do much mistake it; for there be divers from whom I would keep it, as I would from fire and water, as for example. First, from a passing proud fellow, such 1 a one as Naaman the Syrian, that would Four sorts of men, that disdain to wash in jordan, though it would cure him of the Leprosy, or the will mislike of the bo 〈…〉 pox; & to such for my part, I would wish they might lay all in their gold breeches, rather than to abase their high conceits, so much, as to think upon poor Master A JAX. Secondly, from all manner of fools 2 and jesters, whether they be artificial, or natural; for these be so dull; they cannot taste the salt, in a piece of well powdered writing; and those be so tart, they will rather lose a friend than a jest: yet if their railing were allayed a little, with the two excellent virtues, of flattering, and begging; one might hope for some kindness at their hands. Thirdly, if you spy a fellow with a bay 3 leaf in his mouth, avoid him, for he carrieth a thing about him worse than Master A JAX, that all the devices we have cannot reform. Fourthly, if you see a stolen lean hungry 4 poor beggarly threadbare Kavalliero, like to Lazorelloes' master, that when he dined at his own house, came forth with more crumbs of bread on his beard, then in his belly, and that being descended of diverse Nobilities, will do a mean gentleman the honour to borrow ten shillings of him: show it not him, for though he can say nothing against it, yet he will leer under his hat, as though he could speak more than he thinks: For such a one that makes not a good meal at home once in a month, hath not a good stool above once in a week, and then he will never say us Gramercy for it: and this I may say to you, is a consideration of no small importance, for though I must acknowledge, that is not one of the meritorious works▪ I look to be saved by, yet to have a prayer or two from some, that perhaps never say prayer any where else, would do me no hurt, nor them neither. And me think I might much better deserve a kn-ave Merry to be said for me, where my stately A JAX is admitted, & stands men in steed; then he, for whose soul the young Gentleman, the first time he consummated his marriage with his wife, said a Pater noster; and being asked for whom he prayed, he told his wife, it was for his soul that had taken the pains to make his way, so easy for him. O Sir said she, it is a sign you have traveled such ways more than an honest man should have done that you are so cunning, and so they became good friends. But aware riot ho, whither am I running? I said I would keep me from scandaling, but if I stop not betime, some will think to have their action in the case against me; yet it is good to cast the worst. Suppose that for my bad inditing I should be indicted, as it is twenty to one but if the grand jury were packed by a bad Sheriff, out of those four last mentioned suits Proud Fools Beggars. (and of three of them, you shall have a full appearance in most Courts of Christendom) they will sure say billa vera, though they should say of right nothing but ignoramus. But see see, even with thinking of it I fall again into my former melancholy, me think the inditement is found, I am arraigned, I pled not guilty, I would still be tried by the Nobility, by such as build stately palaces and keep great Courts, but it will not be granted me, I must have none but freeholders; I chaff at it, and would appeal; they cry it is not the course of the common law, I praise the Civil law; for there a man may hold play with appealing, if he have a little idle money to spend, three or four year. At last comes the little dapper fellow my honest Attorney, that knew better the course of these matters than I did, and he rounds me in the ear, and tells me that for forty shillings to Master high sheriffs man that wears the russet satin doublet, and the yellow silk stockings, he will undertake, I shall have a jury of good freeholders: but for the Nobility it is out of their commission; & Sir (saith he) what need you to stand so much on the Nobility, considering you desire to have none, but great housekeepers, and builders? For suppose you could get 3. or four to appear. One at Petworth, an other hard by, there at Coudrey (where in the old viscounts time jupiter hospitales is said to have dwelled) and the young Lord I hear doth patry sare, or rather I should say Auisare, (and that is a good word, if he will mark it.) Say also another dwelled at Ragland in Monmouth shire, where I heard a good Knight of Glostershire affirm, the most honourable house of that Realm was kept: & a fourth at Nonesuch, where the housekeeper for true English Noblesse and honour, deserves the name, better than the house. But when you shall think to make up the Tales, where will you have them? some will be non est inventus in baliva, some that you love best, will not be perhaps intra quatuor maria; wherefore the judge was your friend more than you were ware, that gives you choice of freeholders. Believe me (said I) I think it is so in deed, hold thee my little dappert knave, there is forty shillings for Master sheriffs man, to buy him another pair of silk stockings, and there is forty pence Wooden stocks were fit for them then silk stockings. for thy good counsel, and see you find me a jury of substantial freeholders, that are good housekeepers to try my honesty by. He goeth and ere an Ape can crack a nut (as they say) he brings the names, and Master crier he comes twenty shillings in his shoes, and calls them though he be sure they cannot hear him. As followeth. john Harington of Exton, in the County of Rutland Knight, aliâs john Har: 1 of Burleigh, in the County aforesaid, aliâs of Combe, in the County of Warwick, aliâs of Ooston, in the County of Leicester; come into the Court, or else, etc. Hath he free hold? Yea he is a pretty freeholder in all these shires: Moreover saith a third man, though he be a freeholder; yet he hath married his daughter to one, that for a grandfather, for a father, for two uncles, & three or four aunts, may compare with most men in England. Lastly a fourth said, & four hundred confirm it, that he relieves many poor, & sets them to work; he builds not only his own houses, but Colleges, and Hospitals. Marry Sir, then shall he be foreman of my jury with all my very heart, a builder and a housekeeper both, you cannot devise to please me better. I would there were a decem tales in every shire in England, & on that condition, I would be glad to be one of them. Well, what have you to say to Sir john Harington? Marry this. Here is one Misacmos, that is accused by some diligent officers and good But inquire what the good Lord of Bedford called them. servants of the state, to be a writer of fantastical Pamphlets, to corrupt manners; the same suspected of divers untruths, and treasons, not sparing the Majesties of Kings, and great Emperors (saying one was a cuckold and a fool, an other had an ill face, as in the Pamphlet itself more plainly appeareth) now because it seems he is a Gentleman, and of reasonable good breeding; he craves to be tried by a substantial jury, of which, for many respects, he will have you to be the foreman. He pleads to all the principal matters not guilty, and justifies, that those things they call untruth, and treason, are truth, and reason. He is to be tried, by God and country, which country you are, wherefore your charge is (if it please you) to read the whole Treatise at your leisure, and then to say how you like it. He saith further, he cares not to have you sworn, because your word will be taken for a greater matter than this, by ten thousand pounds without oath. jury Harington. Who is next? Sir john Peter of ●●●● Thorneden 2 in the County of Essex Knight, a good housekeeper, and a builder both. Hath he free hold? Yea so so, I think he may we are velvet and satin, by the Statute of (4. & 5. Phil. Ma.) for he may dispend twenty marks a year ultra reprisas. Well, because he is a builder and a housekeeper, I hope he will not deny me to be of my jury. The same charge, &c: that Sir john Harington took you, &c: and so long may you keep a good house. jury Peter. Sir john Spenser Knight, a good substantial freeholder in Northampton 3 shire, and a good housekeeper, and so was the father afore him: O I remember him, he had a poor neighbour once dwelled at Holmeby, that made four verses if I have not forgot them, were forty shillings out of his way. Erupuit sors dura mihi, sors altar a reddit, Haec loca quae veteri, rudere structa vides: Aeternos vivat, Magna Elisabetha ꝑ annos, Quae me tam grato, laeta favore beaten. By S. Mary he had good cause to say, well far a good Mistress, or else Holmby had been joined to your freehold. How say you worthy Knight (& the best man There were Earls of the Spensers. of your name that is, but not that hath been) will you be of our jury? You will say you know not this same Misacmos. It may be so very well; for I think the fellow doth scarce know himself at this instant, and yet he learned 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 twenty years ago. Well, I presume you will not refuse it: for though you never heard of him, it seems he hath heard of you. I will tell you two or three good tokens, you have three or four sisters, good well favoured, well featured, well statured, well natured women, for plain country wenches; and they were married to men, a step, or two, or three, or four, above the best yeoman of Kent (well far all good tokens) and one of them is a widow, I beshrew their hearts, & I would their wives were widows that made her so. I trow it was Sir james Harington, and your father, that went a begging to make a purse to marry their daughters; but you will make a hundred of us go a begging, if we should follow you: will you have any more tokens yet? you had a brother of Lincoln's Inn; and an other they say keeps a good house, for I ween the best housekeeper in England was at his house; yet one token more, you have a learned writer of your name, make much of him, for it is not the lest honour of your honourable family. jury Spencer. Thomas Stanop Knight, of Shelford in the County of Nottingham a housekeeper, 4 a builder, a substantial freeholder, come into the Court. Alas Sir he is lame he cannot come. Is he so indeed? I am sorry for it: I have heard that he hath borne some sway in his country, yet bid him not forget the old proverb, a good friend in the Court, is worth a penny in the purse at all times. Well, if he cannot come let us have an other. O Sir (saith one) stay but a Pater noster while, and you may have his son in his place. What (Master john Stanop my old Schoolfellow, an honest & valiant Gentleman) I will tarry for him with all my heart. To the next. Matthew Arundel Knight, of Warder 5 in the County of Wiltshire a good freeholder, and a builder. Tush he is no housekeeper, so said one that dwells three score mile to Trent Northward. Is it so? I will know within this month, if it be so or no; In the mean season, I will venture to take him if I can meet with him. For first I doubt, if he himself that said so, have spent so much in honourable services as this freeholders' son hath done. Secondly, I have seen both Lords, and Ladies, as well entertained in his poor house, and served in as fine plate, and Porslin, as any is in the North. And admit he were no housekeeper, yet I would have him, because I hear he is a good horse-keeper, a read dear keeper, a fallow Horse-keeper. dear keeper, and other such base things, as may enable him for my jury. Come on old father Peleus, he looks like Prester john in his furred nightcap; but he hath more wit under that cap, than two or three of his neighbours. Will it please you Sir, to be of our jury? It shall cost the life of one of the bald faced bucks else. What are you angry, I call you Peleus? If I were but an other Promotheus, I would swear your fortune should be; to be like Peleus: for the time was, that one wrote of your Thetis, when she waited on Diana at Hatfield. Who marketh well her grace, thereby may plainly see, A Laura in her face; and not a willoughbee. Whist? peace (saith my little Attorney in mine ear) you that are so full of your Poetry, we shall have a new endytement framed against you upon the Statute of Rogues. For telling of fortunes. Have you a verse for that too? Yes Mary have I Sir. Fati narrator, Aegiptus, Praestigiator, Aure perurantur, simul atque flagella sequantur. All fortune tellers, jugglers, and Egiptions, Are burnt in th'ear, or whipped by laws prescriptions. Notwithstanding I trust a man may by poetica licentia, and by example of Virgil, tell fortunes that be past; yet little said is soon amended; howbeit, I will not forget to be thankful to this good Knight, for one special favour he did me. And that was; he made me go when I was with him at Warder, to as stately Ajax house (for a summer house) and as sweet, as any can be; in a standing made in an Oak, that hangs over a pond, and marvel not I call it stately: for this Master Ajax, if you bring but an Angle rod, and a crossbow with you; will afford choice of three royal sports, to kill dear, foul, and fish; now this I take it, was more than common kindness, and somuch for jury Arundel. Francis Willoughby Knight, of 6 Wollerton in the County of Nottingham, a good freeholder, a housekeeper, and a great builder. O my neighbour, that dwells a hundred mile from me, & yet but a hedge parts our land; good morrow neighbour, with the fair house, the fair wife, and the fair living. Tout beau, tout beau. I pray you let us have a fair verdict from you in our matter; or else I will promise' you, I will rather lie in the worst Inn in Nottingham, then in the fairest bedchamber in your house; and if you will be of our side, I will pray that all your fairs, may be the fairer, one for an other. jury Willoughby. john Berin Knight, of the same County, 7 a great good housekeeper. Marry God's blessing on his heart for it. Indeed I remember they would say, that Sir john Berin for Notinghamshire, was as great a housekeeper, as Sir Edward Baynton in Wiltshire: and then I will be sworn, he was a good one. Well, let us make much of him, for there is but a few of them left; I trust he will not refuse me, for my jury. jury Berin. George Sampoole Knight, a Lincolnshire man, and a Lincoln's Inn man; a good freeholder, & keeps a goodhouse in his country (as I hear) but I know my neighbours of Bath will affirm, that he kept good hospitality there: and that he & his fair Lady both, are a worthy, virtuous, & a godly couple. Well, let them be as godly as they may, and as perfect in the Scripture as Priscilla and Aquila; I hope they will not deny, but I have good authorities, for my teshe, and give a friendly verdict. jury Sampoole. Ralph Horsey Knight, the best housekeeper in Dorsetshire, a good freeholder, a Deputy Lieutenant. O Sir, you keep hawks, and hounds, and hunting horses; it may be some mad fellow will say, you must stand in the Bath up to the chin, for spending five hundred pounds, According to the tale, in the hundred merry tales. to catch hares, & partridges, that might be taken for five pounds. But if you do come to Bath (so you will be one of my jury) I will stand as deep in the bath as you, and it is odds, but at the spring and fall, we shall meet good company there. I pray you give a friendly verdict, for old acquaintance between King's College, and Trinity College. jury Horsey. Sir Hugh Portman of Orchard, in the County of Somerset Knight, a good housekeeper, a builder, and a substantial freeholder. Marry Sir I might ill have spared him. Come my good Knight, I have kept you in store for a dead lift; I hope you will stick close to us, for the Law; for you have as much if you list to show it, as some that wear coifs. Besides, you have that same sovereign medicine against the consumption, called aurum potabile: & I know your neighbours of Taunton say, you are liberal of it; and for your good hospitality, your neighbours of the Court will say, you are no niggard of your meat. Yet I remember one day, when I told a good friend of yours; that I was sure you never took usury: well (saith he) though I grant he doth many men kind pleasures, yet he doth them not all gratis. I promised him I would tell you so, and to pick a further thank, I will tell you what I answered him. (For I guessed at his meaning, by means I had once some smattering of the Latin tongue) if your gratis (quoth I) Gratis signifieth to thankful persons. But gratis the adverb signifies freely. be an adjective, the fault is theirs, & the praise is his. Well Sir Hugo, I will come shortly and see your new builded Orchard (I think there is not two better Orchards in England, and put Kent to it) and when we have conferred, for reforming one fault there (you can smell my meaning I am sure) then would I ask your opinion, which makes a man happier, to be wise, or rich. I asked a Philosopher once, and (he said) he could not tell, because he still saw the wise men wait, at the rich men's doors. Well happy are you if you can decide this question, and happier if you cannot decide it. A rich man, a wise man, a builder, and specially a bachelor. Franco, sciolto, slegato, o che felice stato. Wherefore keep you so still, and believe me it is the happiest state, yet tell not my wife that I say so, for (of my honesty) she will make me unsay it again, with all my heart. jury Portman. crier count them. Sir john Harington, one. Sir john Peter, two. Sir john Spencer, three. Sir Thomas Stanop, four. Sir Matthew Arundel, five. Sir Francis Willoughby, six. Sir john Berin, seven. Sir George Sampoole, eight. Sir Ralph Horsey, nine. Sir Hugh Portman, ten: whop, why how now Master K. sheriffs man? Here is but ten, Give me a noble, of my 40. shillings back again. O speak soft Sir, you shall have a tales for two more, the best we can get, but we can find you no more Knights. There is two names more for you. Who have we here? Ralph Sheldon of Beeley, in the County of Worcester Esquire. Thomas Markham Gentleman. First let us see what this same Sheldom is. Hath he freehold? Yea Sir. He is a good freeholder, a great housekeeper, a builder, an excellent common wealths man as any is in all his country; I will warrant you, he will be for you. Not too much of your warrants. What said Harry Tuttle What is a knaves warrant worth? A by word of Somerset shire. to his grandfather? Give me leave I pray you a little, I have heard he is an unthrift, I have forgotten at what game it was, but I am sure it was said; if he had not had fair play played him, he was in danger within these two years, to have lost his land, by one plea or other. By the mass it is true, there was such a matter. Well, let And let him pray for Traian's soul. with S. Gregory. him thank a guiltless conscience, & a gracious Princess, that he sped no worse. O these same oves, & boves, & pecora campi, a flock of white sheep in a green field, and a new house on a high hill; I tell you, they be perilous tempting marks to shoot at. It is strange to see the world, not half a year before I heard one that was a great Courtier say, that he thought him one of the sufficientest wise men of England, and fittest to have been made of the Counsel, but for one matter; and indeed by Cornelius Agrippa his rule, that is a right Courtier's commendation: For after they have roved three or four idle words to praise a man, strait they mar all at the butts: I would to God for their own sakes, & mine too, they could leave it. Well Master Sheldon, I pray you be of our jury, for you have made a fine house at Weston (but I know one fault in it. Now though I praise your house like a Courtier with a but, you must bring in your verdict, like a plain countryman, without the but. Thomas Markham Gentleman come to the Court, which Markham is this? black Markhan keeper of Bescowd, why he is a Squire, I trow I have a verse for it, made by a most honourable Poet. To Thomas Markham the gentle Squire, Whom Sir Fulke Greevill called a grim sire. Yea it is true; but the case is altered since: for that same good Knight is lame, or else I dare answer he would have appeared on this jury himself (and his son is an honourable Gentleman and a great states man may do a man displeasure about the Queen, it is not good troubling of him.) If it be that Markham I will none of him, for I heard a noble Philosopher of the same coat that the Poet was, say that he is a Stoic, and I will no Stoics of my jury; of the two extremes I would rather have Epicures. Besides that, I would have no such black fellows, for we shall have some of these Poetry men say, as one said of Sir Harry Goodyeare when he wrote Candida sint comitum Goodyeeri nil nisinigrum, he wrote underneath it. Hic niger est, hunc tu Regina caveto, a goodyeare on him for his good caucat, for he hath had since some young scholars that have learned to put in the like caveats. Caue credas take heed you trust him not, but Tully saith in his Oration pro Ligario; nun omnem humanitatem exuerunt? Have they not cast away all sense of humanity? And a little after saith the same Tully of Caue ignoscas; Haec nec hominis, nec ad hominem vox: qua qui apud te C. Caesar utetur, suam ipsi citius abijcient humanitatem, quam extorquebunt tuam, thus in England. Take heed you pardon not. O lewd speech, not fit to be spoken of a man nor to a man, which speech, whosoever shall use to thee (o more than Caesar) shall sooner discover their own cruel inclination, then extort from thee thy natural clemency. O divine Tully, is not this Christianly spoken of a heathen? were not that heathenishly spoken of a Christian? Well he that should put in such a caveat for me, I would follow presently a quare impedit, why I might not present him for a cnave at little Brainford & less honesty. Thomas Markham Gentleman, come to the Court; Yet again? I tell thee I will none of him, one said he looked black on him: yea, but he that found such fault with In memoria aterna erit justus. his complexion, I heard one tell him was dead, and he answeredverie charitably; young he was, & poor he was, & knave accused and said, Lopus had bid him say, he was a dangerous man, with Caue credas. Tanquam stercus, memoria impiorum. he was, and so God have mercy on his knaves soul. Faith that is like enough to be his answer. Then it may be he is clear otherwise, though he look black. Clear, yea on my word. Candido piu nel cuor che di fuor Cigno. What is that? Rara avis in terris nigroque simillima Cigno; just as jermins' lips, now you have compared him well, as white as a black swan. Well I have no mind to have him of my jury, he is but a poor freeholder, he hath no credit. No credit? why his bond hath been taken for twenty thousand pounds. Hath it? more fool he, I will never trust him for half so much, I pray thee look me some better freeholder. Why Sir? I advise you do you not scorn him, though he be no Knight, he had a Knight to his father, & hath a Knight to his son, you may well admit him of your jury. I tell thee my little knave, thou dost press me beyond good manners, I will not have him. Hark in your ear, they say he is Mal-content. A lewd libel made at the death of the Lord Chancellor Hatton. Who saith so? Nay who saith not so? Vnton is undone, Markham is malcontent. Who hath not heard that? wherefore make no more a do, but sand me for his nephew Robert that came of the elder house, and of the blood of Lancaster, he that Master Secretary Walsinghan gave the Arabian horse, I would have him, he is a fairer complexioned man by half, and in sadness I wish him well. hay ho: what dost thou sigh? Alas sir he would come with all his heart, but he is busy sitting on a commission, (I have forgotten in what Bench it King's Bench. is) and when he hath done there, he must go they say to an other Bench at Oxford. Penilesse Bench. What Robert Markham of Cottam, so honest a Gentleman, so good a housekeeper, so well descended, so well affected in Religion, & become such a Bencher, that when he is called is forth coming, but not coming forth, I am sorry I can do him no pleasure, I would his best cozen did know it. The time hath been that if he could have walked with a little stick like a ragged staff on his sleeve, or if he had had but a walking hind, or a ramping stag, or the white bird, that is such a beauty to the Thamis, he should not have lain so long after his resting. Well then I perceive the world goeth hard on all the Markham's sides; I think they be all Mal-contents, they shall none of them be of my jury, I pray God they do not say that I am of kin to them, for indeed my name Misacmos gins with an M. what if one should writ Miscamos is mal content? I would leap upon the letter, & reply. By your leave you lie, like a lout lewd Master Libeler. But Markham is malcontent, how prove you it? Scriptum est enim, for it is written, but it is in libro fictitio I would you could name me your author; yet let us examine this ignoto, if he say true. Let us do him the favour that men do to Astronomers, if they tell but Agrippa. one true tale, believe him in a hundred lies, sure you lied in all the rest good M. Libeler, for first he that you said was undone, The Libel is thus. umpton is undone. Markham is malcontent. lived to do more service for his country, than ever you will do, and many things are left undone by his death, that might perhaps have been much better Flower fadeth. done; & he that you said fadeth, doth now flourish with a guilt axe in his hand, Small waileth. in a much more honourable service, & he Dodge doubteth. that you said wailed, is well and merry (he thanks you not) and he you said was Bancroft is bankrupt. bankrupt, pays the Queen more subsidy, than you and I both, I dare lay a wager; Hatton is, Hat of. and the other two, the one need not go bore head, for want either of hat or hair, and the other will neither dodge nor doubt to show his face as you do. Wherhfore M. Libeler (though in this matter you are cited, & believed better then S. Austen) yet I believe you not in saying Markham's be malcontents; and yet at a venture, I would you had the causes of discontent that they have, so they had none of them; but thus I will distinguish upon the authority alleged; that taking Mal-content as an honest man might take it; namely a man sorrowful for the grievous loss of his greatest friend; the ungrateful requitals of most kind & friendly offices; the unadvised revolt of his dear son, the unaccustomed frown of his dread sovereign, if a man felt no discontent in these, I would say he were a stock & not a Stoic, but understanding it as I know you would be understood, that they be Mal-content as ill affected to their Prince, I dare say you lie in plain English, but there is one will come home shortly I trow, that will tell you, if you be so full of the French, as I take you to be Tuments par la gorge. But good M. Libeler and your fellows, I know your meanings, you would feign make malcontents, and it grieves you you cannot, the water is to clear for your fishing, you catch nothing but goodgins, Statute of fishing, anno. 1. Elis. that the meashe must be two inches and a half. the great fishes be too wary, & now you are feign to lesson your meashes contrary to Statute, being willing to play any game rather than sit out. Or I think you have read the policy of Richard the third, who to give his wife a preparative to her death, gave out first she was dead, hoping that this corsive (cordial I would have said) might break her heart, as it did indeed. So you worthy members of your country (God amend you, for I was saying, the plague take you all) when you would make Mal-contents then your policy gives out first that they be so. O take heed of such a one; he is a dangerous man. A Puritan, why so? He will not swear nor ride on a Sunday, than he wishes to well to the Scottish Church, note him in your tables. An other is a Papist. How know you? He said he hoped his grandfathers soul was saved. Tush but he goes to Church. Marry they be the most perilous men of all. And why so I pray you? if they will venture their souls to please their Prince; what do you suspect them of. O if they be Catholic, they are Spanish in their hearts, for he is their Catholic king. By my say that is somewhat you say, but I pray you, you that are not Spanish but all for the French, what Religion is the French king of? O not more of that, you will answer that when Calais is French again. Far you well Sir. Thomas Markham Gentleman, come into the Court, and pluck up thy old spirits. Is not this he should have been controller, and now he is afraid rather to be controlled. What evil hath he done? His second son grew so great he could not find room enough in England. Alas poor boy, God punisheth often the sin of the father on the children, but never but once that I have read of, the sons offence on the father. Is there no body hath a son so far of? I trow there is. And yet he a true and worthy Gentleman. Thomas Markham Gentleman her majesties servant extraordinary, come to the Court. Why was he once ordinary? Yea that he was. Ask old Hatfield men, & ask them quickly to, for they be almost all gone. Why man he was standard bearer to the worthy band of Gentlemen Pensioners. What did he leave such a place gratis? yea gratis the adverb. Why would he leave it? Because it asked such perpetual attendance? O now you have answered me, he shall be none of my jury for that. Had he so little wit? Well sir saith my Attorney, I pray you dally no more but take him, for you may have a worse else. I say unto you he is a right English man, a faithful, plain, true, stout Gentleman, & a man of honesty & virtue. Out ass. What dost thou tell me of these stolen fashions of the sword and buckler time? I tell thee they are out of request now, (honest, & virtuous) I durst as leave you had told me a tale of an old jakes. Of A JAX? Marry that I can do to. I assure you he loves an easy cleanly jaxe marvelous well, & he is a very good fellow at the jax, for if one be his dear friend, he will let him tarry with him, while he is at his business. I think he saith his prayers there, for I will be sworn, I heard him say often times, I thank God I have had a good stool, etc. May I believe this of your word? Yea be bold of it, I can prove both this & all the rest by very good witness. Why didst thou not say thus much at the first? I would have had him, though I had gone to Barwick on foot for him. What a good freeholder, a builder, and a house keeper, and loves a sweet jax too; though he cannot be Alpha of my jury, yet he shall be Omega. Come on M. Markham, I must crave less acquaintance of you as grim as you look, did not a Lady say once, that I should far the better for that good face of yours, and God thank her for it so I did indeed yet now some will make me believe, I far the worse for it. Be of good cheer man. What makes you so sad I have commendations for you from your old friend, Thomas of Ormond hath A most honourable Earl, and true friend. sent you a hawk will make you live one year the longer. I cannot make him look verily on me for all this, he sees he can not live long, he must think of his grave. Tush man though you cannot line long, you may linger (an please God.) as others have done, some 3, or 4 and twenty years yet. What say you? no life? M. Richard Drake hath you commended, and would have you get the Queen an other gelding, for Grace Markhan will have his old masters fault & fortune both, he will be old & then they will not care for him. Not a word yet? I will make him speak anon. You shall have your son joined patent with you for Bescood; if he will come home and be a true Knight to the crown. What say you to that? Marry Gospel in your mouth; and if he can be proved other, Irenounde him for my son. O have you found your roung now? Well Sir, I have a suit to you, I pray you appear on my jury, & give a good verdict of our book called M. A JAX. You know the book well enough, I read you a sleep in it once or twice as we went from Greenwich to Westminster. Out upon it, have you put it in Print? did not I tell you then, Charles' Chester & 2. or three such scoffing fellows would laugh at you for it? Yes: & did not I tell you again, that I would laugh too, and so we might all be merry? Well grim sire, let me have a friendly verdict, if it be but for teaching you to mend a fault at Bescood, that I felt there 24. winters ago; & if you do not say well of it, I will 'cause one or other that hath been at M. A JAX with you, report it in Court to your disgrace, & your joane shallbe disgraced too for tying your Points, and sitting by you so home lie (yet I would I had given 100 pounds she never had had worse nor untruer tale told of her) & so far you well good M. Markham, and God sand you many a good stool. And thus with much a do the jury was Impanneld. Now begun I to have a good hope, nay rather a firm assurance of my acquittal; having got a jury of so good sufficiency, so great integrity, so sound ability: but it is commonly seen that in matters depending in controversy, the greatest danger is bred by to much security: For the accusation was so hard followed, that some of the jury began to be doubtful of their verdict, the witnesses were so many, their allegations so shroud, & the evidence so pregnant. And not only the faults of this present Pamphlet but my former offences which were before the pardon (contrary to the due course of all Courts) were enforced against me. As first to prove I had wronged not only Ladies of the Court, but all women's sex; they had quoted a Stanse in Harry Osto beginning thus. Ye Courtly Dames, that are both kind & true, Unto your Lords, if kind and true be any; As sure I am in all your lovely crew, Of so chaste mind, there are not over many: Now he began to hold his wife excused, His anger now a little is relented, And though that she her body had abused And to a servant had so soon consented. And after in the person of Rodomont. Ungrateful, false, crafty you are, and cruel, Borne of our burning hell to be the fuel. And lastly in this Pamphlet to compare, or rather to confounded bawdy houses & I will not tell you which four, for a 100 pounds. jakes houses, Courtesans & Carters, with Angels & Hermits, there were 3. or 4. of the jury (that said) the time had been, they would have thought it no good manners. But Alpha & Omega that have ever thought chastity a virtue, acquitted me at last, saying, to scorn vice, showed a love of virtue. And for the rest I pleaded not only a general but a special pardon. Yet lest the standers by should think I had been guilty, or that I had been burnt in the hand for the like fact before. I answered, that in the verse I did but follow my author. The whole work being enjoined me as a penance by that saint, nay rather goddess, whose service I am only devoted unto. And as for the verses before alleged, they were so flat against my conscience, that I inserted somewhat, more than once, to qualify the rigour of those hard speeches. For example against railing Rodomont, I said thus. I tremble to set down in my poor verse, The blasphemies that he to speak presumes; And writing this, I do know this that I Often in my heart, do give my pen the lie. And in another place, to free me from all suspicion of pretended malice, & to show a manifest evidence of intended love, where my author very sparingly had praised some wives, I added of mine own () so much as more I think was Mine own sub auditur verse or wife which you william. never said for them, which I will here set down ad perpetuam rei memoriam, and that all posterity may know how good a husband I would be thought. Lo here a verse in laud of loving wives, Extolling still, our happy married state, I say they are, the comforts of our lives, Drawing a happy yoke, without debate: A playfellow, that far off all grief drives, A Steward, early that provides and late; Faithful, and kind, sober, and sweet, & trusty, Nurse to weak age, & pleasure to the lusty. Further for the faults escaped in this fore alleged Pamphlet, I protested I was ready to make a retractation for their better satisfaction; as namely, First, for that homely comparison that I made between my Lady Cloacinas house, and my Lady Flora's Nymphs, I take it not to hold in general, but with this exception. Except it be a very fowl & deformed harlot; or a very clean and reformed Ajax. Secondly for the rules of taming a shrew, that I commended for the wiser; I here protest against that rule: for if it have not been followed within the first year or a day, it is too late to prove a new rule afterwards. And therefore I hold it as a rule or maxim, proved by natural Philosophy, confirmed by ancient history, Aristotle ruled by his wife. Semiramis asked leave to rule but a week, but you know what followed. and therefore may here be concluded in our poor Poetry in this sort. Concerning wives take this a certain rule, That if at first you let them have the rule, Yourself at last with them shall have no rule, Except you let them evermore to rule, At this, the whole jury were merry & agreed all to quite me. And as for those that articled against me, some of them are so tickled with this answer as I am sure they will never accuse me for an enemy to Ladies any more. The next Article was for abusing the name of a great soldier, both in that being a Grecian, I make him speak in Latrina lingua: & that having been so renowned for his value in wars, I would say his picture was set in so homely a place, that it might also thereby seem to have been called after his name in English. Now this matter was followed very hotly by half a dozen gallant soldiers, that never saw naked sword out of Fleetstreet, and these came in swearing that I had touched them in honour, & they would therefore fight with me about it. The jury seemed to make but light of the matter, but yet to satisfy the Gentlemen specially 2. of them, that had been likened to Brutus and Cassius and called ultimi Ruffinorun. They wished me to answer them which I did in this sort. I said I was loath to fight for the iestification of my wit: & further I could name them 2. honest Gentlemen that had offered M. A JAX as great abuse as this, & he had put it up at their hands, they asked who they were? I told them they were 2. of his countrymen one they called him M. Plato, the other M. Plutark, Plato 10. de Repub. Plutark. 9 book Sump. seono. c. 5. of whom the one in his 10. book de Repub. saith, that the soul of A JAX went into a Lion, & the other saith, it had been as good for it to have gone into an ass, & both agreed that it went into hell. And if reading of this will satisfy you, I will turn you to the place, and lend you the book in Latin or in French, for that I think is your better language; & I protest to you, it is an excellent chapter wherein the same Plutarch very divinely showeth how predestination, and free will, and chance may all stand together. The pox of Plutarch & you to (saith on of these fight fellows,) read him who list for I will never read him, but why should he or you either abuse a soldiers name? O sir said I, good words I pray you, though I dare say you wish me no worse than you have yourself: for I know you are a Gentleman of 3. decents, but if that be beyond your reading, let me come within compass of your study, I know you have read old Scogins jests. Did not he when the French king said that he had set our king's picture in the place where his close stool stands. Sir saith he, you do the better, for every time you look on him, you are so frayed that you have need of a close stool. Now I hope I offer A JAX no greater scorn than that was, yet thanks be to God their successors remain good friends. This did somewhat better answer them, but not fully. Nay Masters (quoth I) if you stand on the puntillios with me: whomsoever this answer will not serve, let him sand me the breadth of his buckler (I should say the length of his rapier) and draw himself as lineally from Captain Medons' grandfather as I have derived A JAX from Stercutius; and I will presently make a recantation Recantare, is to sing the same song again. of all I have said. At last to take up the quarrel Sir M. A. and M. R. S. set down their order, that he should not be called any more Captain A JAX, nor Monsieur A JAX, but Don A JAX, and then to this second article they all agreed not guilty. These swearing fellows being thus discharged, there comes a couple of formal fellows in black cloaks faced with velvet, and hats suitable to the same; and under their hats little night caps, that covered their Epimetheus, but not their Prometheus; having special care to keep their brain warn (yet one of them was said to be a hot brained fellow,) the other had no great fault that I know, save that he would say too long a grace afore dinner, in so much that one of his own coat told him one day, that if he had thought to have hard a collation, he would have sung a Psalm before it. These whispered two or three of the jury in the ear, and after having made a ducking courtesy or two, bad the Lord to guide their worships; and so went back to their chambers (at the sign of the Bible: leaving a mad fellow their Attorney to urge the accusation they had brought, which was in shewverie sharp and heinous, to this effect. That they supposed All that defend the Queen's proceed are counted no better than Papists with these hot fellows, and they call my Lord of Cant. our Pope. me to be in heart a Papist. Strait I searched every corner of my heart, and finding no such thought in it, I asked why any man should say so? I know (said I) some of you would see my heart out by your wills: but for that you shall pardon me. But this you know ex abundantia cordis, os loquitur, out of the abundance of heart the mouth speaketh. And here I protest to you all, I never defended any opinion of Religion, either by way of argument or writing, that in any point gainsaith the Communion book. Let my accusers say so if they can. Yes Sir saith their zealous Attorney. I heard one testify viva voce in a Pulpit, that you had defended a Popish opinion, of a second coming of Elias. He lies like an ass (said I) and so tell him. And if I mistake him not much; I trow his good living grows not so fast with his new benefice, as his good name withers with his ill behaviour. But if he use no better behaviour, then to tell me my faults at Bath, when I am at London; I may fortune play the bad horseman, and spur him at London for stumbling so ill favouredly at Bath. Or if I would ride like a hotspur, he might hap like a dull jade (ass he is) be wrong on the withers, as one of his coat was for such a matter in the same place. It may be he thinks he hath advantage of me because he can prate in a Pulpit cum licentia, but he shall see by this little, that I have liberty if I list, to reply in Print cum privilegio. And my replication may fortune be as forcible as his answer. Moore I would have said (for I was in choler) but some of the jury wished me for satisfying of the company, to tell what Religion I was of. It was a strange For some of them I hope are but Protestants of anno primo Eliz. question to be asked me a fore such a jury (considering I came not thither to be Catachysed) and therefore I determined to make them as strange an answer, such as should please them all, or displease them all ere I had done. First I said, neither Papist, Protestant, nor Puritan. Than all said they would condemn me as a neuter or nullifidian, except I gave a better answer. Than I said, I am a protesting Catholic Puritan. Tush say they, how can that be? Forsooth even thus, to believe well, do well, and say well, to have good faith, good works, & good words, is not that a good Religion? Yes indeed, so done, were very well said. But said they, directly we expect your answer, what you count to be true Religion. Why then directly thus I answer; out of S. justus Epistle the two last verses, you shall see who be of a wrong Religion, and who be of the right. justus? O, saith one by and by, I think he means james, and strait he pulls a little book out of his sleeve; that looked like janus picture; with two faces standing East and West (but it was a testament bound to the backside of David's Psalms) and turning to the place, he read as followeth. If a man think himself Religious, not refraining To have a bad tongue is bad Religion. his tongue, but seducing his heart, this man's Religion is vain. Pure Religion and undefiled before God, even the father, is this, to visit orphans and widows in their afflictions, and to keep yourself undefiled from the world. Why then, saith one, if you profess so pure a Religion, it seems you are a Puritan. Even so. Moore time would have been spent in this matter, but that sir H. P. told them these things belonged to the high Commissioners, and therefore wished them to proceed to the next. Now for the last article, because it was concerning only the Pamphlet itself, the whole jury referred the censuring thereof to Sir H. P. to say if any thing therein were against the law, because he was well seen in the law. He told them that indeed he had read it more than once: and that for aught he could observe in it, it did not in any point offend either common or Statute law. But (said he) there is a law (as I take it,) more common than Civil, that saith things must be as they be taken. Yet for my part in my verdict I judge Markham would have been of that opinion in the time of Ed. the iiij. and judge Portman your grandfather in Ed▪ the vj. would not say any man's ears are horns. What the rest said I could not tell, for I was sent away, yet I overheard one of them say, he would talk with a Counsellor to inform him better of the law. But I finding that to grow so doubtful, that I thought would have been so clear, begun now to think it my safest course to sue for a pardon. And with that I awaked, Sapientis est nihil praestare praeter culpam. vowing I would never writ any more such idle toys, if this were well taken: praying the readers to regard it but as the first line of Isops Fables. Gallus gallinaceus dum vertit stercorariam invenit gemmam. FINIS.