THE MOST ELEGANT AND WITTY EPIGRAMS OF Sir john Harrington, Knight, DIGESTED INTO FOUR Books: Three whereof never before published.  
Fama bonum quo non foelicius ullum.  
LONDON Printed by G. P. for john Budge: and are to be sold at his shop in Paul's Churchyard at the sign of the Green Dragon. 1618.   

THE EPISTLE TO ALL Readers, that Epigrams must be read attentively, that Legere & non intellegere, est negligere.  
WHen in your hand you had this Pamphlet caught,  
Your purpose was to post it over speedy,  
But change your mind, and feed not over-greedy:  
Till in what sort, to feed you first be taught.  
Suppose both first and second course be done,  
No Goose, Pork, Capon, Snites, nor such as these,  
But look for fruit, as Nuts, and Parma-cheese,  
And Comfits, Conserves, Raisins of the Sun.  
Then taste but few at once, feed not too fickle,  
So shall you find some cool, some warm, some biting,  
Some sweet in taste, some sharp, all so delighting,  
As may your inward taste, and fancy tickle.  
But though I wish Readers, with stomachs full,  
Yet fast nor come not, if your wits be dull.  
For I had lief you did sit down and whistle,  
As reading, not to reed. So ends th' Epistle.   

TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE, GEORGE Marks Buckingham, Viscount Villeirs, Baron of Whaddon, justice in Eyre of all his majesties Forests, Parks, and Chases beyond Trent, Master of the Horse to his Majesty, and one of the Gentlemen of his majesties Bedchamber, Knight of the most Noble order of the Garter, and one of his majesties most Honourable Privy Council of England and Scotland.  
Most Honoured Lord,  
THis posthume book is furnished with worth, but it wanteth a Patron. A worthier than your ●elfe the Book could not find, nor your Lordship a more pathetical Poet to Patronize. If in Poetry, Heraldry were admitted, he would be found in happiness of wit near allied to the great Sidney: yet but near; for the Apix of the Coelum Empyrium is not more inaccessible than is the height of Sydney's Poesy, which by imagination we may approach, by imitation never attain to. To great men our very syllables should be short, and therefore I make my Conclusion a Petition; That your lordships acceptation may show how much you favour the noble Name, and nature of the Poet, and Book. Which deigned by your Lordship, I shall think my pains in collecting, and disposing of these Epigrams well placed, and ever rest.  
Your Lordship's most bounden servant, I. B.   

Sir JOHN harrington's Epigrams, the first Book.  

Against MOMUS. 1 That his Poetry shall be no fictions, but mere truths.  
SCant wrote I sixteen lines, but I had news,  
Momus had found one fault, past all excuse,  
That of Epistle I the name abuse.  
No, gentle Momus, that is none abuse,  
Without I call that Gospel that ensues.  
But read to carp, as still hath been thine use:  
Fret out thine heart to search, seek, sift and pry,  
Thy heart shall hardly give my pen the lie.   

2 Against Sextus, a scorner of Writers.  
OF Writers, Sextus known a true despiser,  
Affirms, that on our writings oft he looks,  
And confesseth he grows ne'er the wiser.  
But Sextus, where's the fault? not in our books.  
No sure, 'tis in yourself (I'll tell you wherefore)  
Books give not wisdom where was none before.  
But where some is, there reading makes it more.   

3 Against Lesbian, both for her patience and impatience.  
LEsbia, I heard, how ere it came to pass,  
That when old P●leus called thy Lord an Ass,  
You did but smile; but when he called him Ox,  
Straightways you cursed him with all plagues & pox.  
There is some secret cause why you allow  
A man to scorn his brain, but not his brow.   

4 Of a pointed Diamond given by the Author to his wife, at the birth of his eldest son.  
Dear, I to thee this Diamond commend,  
In which, a model of thyself I send,  
How lust unto thy joints this circlet sitteth,  
So just thy face and shape my fancies fitteth.  
The touch will try this Ring of purest gold,  
My touch tries thee as pure, though softer mould.  
That metal precious is, the stone is true  
As true, as then how much more precious you?  
The Gem is clear, and hath nor needs no foil,  
Thy face, nay more, thy fame is free from soil.  
●oule deem this dear, because from me you have it,  
● deem your faith more dear, because you gave it.  
This pointed Diamond cuts glass and steel,  
Your loves like force in my firm heart I feel.  
But this, as all things else, time wastes with wearing,  
Where you, my jewels multiply with bearing.   

5 Against Writers that carp at other men's books.  
THe Readers, and the Hearers like my books,  
But yet some Writers cannot them digest.  
But what care I? For when I make a feast,  
I would my Guests should praise it, not the Cooks.   

6 Of a young Gallant.  
YOu boast, that Noble men still take you up,  
That when they bowl or shoot, or hawk or hunt,  
In Coach, or Barge, on horse thou still art wont,  
To run, ride, row with them, to dine or s●p:  
This makes you scorn those of the meaner sort,  
And think your credit doth so far surmount;  
Whereas indeed, of you they make no count,  
But as they do of hawks and dogs, for sport.  
Then vaunt not thus of this your vain renown,  
Lest we both take you up, and take you down.   

7 To my Lady Rogers, the Author's wives mother, how Doctor Sherehood comm●nded her house in bath▪  
I Newly had your little house erected,  
In which I thought I had made good conveyance,  
To use each ease, and to shun all annoyance,  
And prayed a friend of judgement not neglected,  
To view the rooms, and let me know the faults.  
He having viewed the lodgings, stairs, and vaults,  
Said all was excellent well, save here and there.  
You think he praised your house. No, I do swear,  
He hath disgraced it clean, the case is clear,  
For every room is either there, or here.   

8 Of Lesbian, a great Lady.  
LEsbia doth laugh to hear sellers and buyers  
Called by this name, Substantial occupiers:  
Lesbian, the word was good while good folk used it,  
You marred it that with Chawcers jest abused it:  
But good or bad, how ere the word be made,  
Lesbian is loath perhaps to leave the trade.   

9 Of one that begged nothing, and had his suit granted.  
WHen thou dost beg, as none begs more importunate,  
And art denied, as none speeds more infortunate,  
With one acquaint phrase thou dost enforce thy begging,  
●y mind unto thy suit in this sort egging.  
●las, sir this? 'tis nothing, once deny me not.  
●ell then, for once content, henceforth belly me not.  
Your words so wisely placed, do so enchant me,  
Sith you do nothing ask, I nothing grant ye.   

10 Another of ask nothing.  
SOme think thee Linus of a Friar begotten,  
For still you beg where nothing can be gotten;  
Yet oft you say, for so you have been taught,  
●ir, grant me this, 'tis but a thing of nought.  
And when indeed you say so, I believe it,  
As nought, unto a thing of nought I give it.  
Thus with your begging, you but get a mock,  
And yet with begging little, mend your stock.  
Leave begging Linus for such poor rewards,  
Else some will beg thee in the Court of Wards.   

11 Of liberality in giving nothing.  
I Hear some say, and some believe it too,  
That craft is found e'en in the clouted shoe▪  
Sure I have found it with the loss of pence,  
My Tenants have both craft and eloquence.  
For when one hath a suit before he ask it.  
His Orator pleads for him in a basket.  
Well Tenant well, he was your friend that taught you▪  
This learned Exordium, Master, here cha brought you.  
For with one courtesy and two Capons giving,  
Thou savest ten pounds in buying of thy living.  
Which makes me say, that have observed this quality  
In poor men not to give, is niggerality.   

12 Of learning nothing at a Lecture, upon occasion of D● Reynolds at Oxford, afore my Lord of Essex, and divers Ladies and Courtiers, at the Queen's last being there, on these words: 
I do him nihil est, An Idol is nothing.   
WHile I at Oxford stayed, some few months since,  
To see, and serve our dear & Sovereign Prince▪  
Where graciously her Grace did see and show  
The choicest fruits that learning could bestow,  
I went one day to hear a learned Lecture  
Read (as some said) by Bellarmine's correcter,  
And sundry Courtiers more than present were,  
That understood it well save here and there:  
Among the rest, one whom it least concerned,  
Asked me what I had at the Lecture learned?  
I that his ignorance might soon be guile▪  
Did say, I learned nothing all the while.  
Yet did the Reader teach with much facility,  
And I was wont to learn with some docility.  
What learned you, Sir, (quoth he) in swearing mood?  
I nothing learned, for nought I understood,  
I thank my Parents, they, when I was young,  
Barred me to learn this Popish Roman tongue,  
And yet it seems to me, if you say true,  
● without learning learned the same that you,  
Most true, said I, yet few dare call us Fools,  
That this day learned nothing at the Schools.   

13 A Paradox of dooms day.  
SOme Doctors deem the day of Doom draws near:  
But I can prove the contrary most clear,  
For at that day our Lord and Saviour saith,  
That he on earth shall scant find any faith,  
But in these days it cannot be denied,  
All boast of only faith and nought beside:  
But if you seek the fruit thereof by works,  
You shall find many better with the Turks.   

14 Against a foolish Satirist called Linus.  
Help, friends, I feel my credit lies a bleeding,  
For Linus, who to me bears hate exceeding,  
I hear against me is e'en now a breeding,  
A bitter satire all of Gall proceeding:  
Now sweet Apollo's judge, to be his speeding,  
For what he writes, I take no care nor heeding.  
For none of worth will think them worth the reeding.  
So my friend Paulus censures them who swears,  
That Linus verse fuits best with Midas ears,   

15 Of a fair woman; translated out of Casaneus his Catalogus gloriae mundi.  
THese thirty things that Helen's fame did raise,  
A Dame should have that seeks for beauties praise▪  
Three bright, three black, three red, 3. short, 3. tall,  
Three thick, three thin, three close, 3. wide, 3. small:  
Her skin, and teeth, must be clear, bright, and neat,  
Her brows, eyes, privy parts, as black as jet:  
Her cheeks, lips, nails, must have Vermilion hue,  
Her hands, hair, height, must have full length to view.  
Her teeth, foot, ears, all short, no length allows,  
Large breasts, large hips, large space between the brows,  
A narrow mouth, small waste, straight ()  
Her fingers, hair, and lips, but thin and slender:  
Thighs, belly, neck, should be full smooth and round,  
Nose, head and teats, the least that can be found.  
Sith few, or none, perfection such attain,  
But few or none are fair, the case is plain.   

16 Of a Household fray friendly ended.  
A Man & wife strove erst who should be master,  
and having changed between them household speeches,  
The man in wrath brought forth a pair of wasters,  
& swore those 2. should prove who ware the breeches.  
She that could break his head, yet give him plasters,  
Accepts the challenge, yet withal beseeches,  
●●at she (as weakest) then might strike the first,  
●nd let him ward, and after do his worst.  
●e swore that should be so, as God should bless him,  
●nd close he lay him to the sured lock.  
●e flourishing as though she would not miss him,  
●●id down her cudgel, and with witty mock,  
●he told him for his kindness, she would kiss him,  
●hat now was sworn to give her never knock.  
●ou swore, said she, I should the first blow give.  
●nd I swear I'll never strike you while I live.  
●n flattering slut, said he, thou dar'st not fight.  
● am no Lark, quoth she, man, do not dare me,  
●et me point time and place, as 'tis my right  
By Law of challenge, and then never spare me.  
Agreed, said he. Then rest (quoth she) to night,  
To morrow at Cuckold's haven, I'll prepare me.  
Peace, wife, said he, we'll cease all rage and rancour,  
Ere in that Harbour I will ride at Anchor.   

17 Of Blessing without a cross.  
A Priest that erst was riding on the way,  
Not knowing better how to pass the day,  
Was singing with himself Geneva Psalms.  
A blind man hearing him, strait begged an alms.  
Man, said the Priest, from coin I cannot part,  
But I pray God bless thee, with all my heart.  
O, said the man, the poor may live with loss,  
Now Priests have learned to Bless without a cross.   

18 Of writing with a Double meaning.  
A Certain man was to a judge complaining,  
How one had written with a Double meaning▪  
Fool, said the judge, no man deserveth trouble,  
For Double meaning, so he deal not Double.   

19 Against Cosmus a great Briber.  
THis wicked age of ours complains of Bribing,  
The want of justice most to that ascribing:  
When judges, who should hear both with equality  
By one side bribed, to that show partiality.  
But Cosmus in this case doth well provide,  
For ever he takes Bribes, of every side:  
Wherefore on him complain can no man rightly,  
But that he still may sentence give uprightly.  
I first would choose one that all Bribes doth loath,  
I next could use him that takes bribes of both.   

20 Of a Precise Tailor.  
A Tailor a man of an upright dealing,  
True, but for lying, honest, but for stealing,  
Did fall one day extremely sick by chance,  
And on the sudden was in wondrous trance.  
The Friends of hell mustering in fearful manner,  
Of sundry coloured silk displayed a banner,  
●hich he had stolen, and wished as they did tell,  
●●at one day he might find it all in hell.  
●he man affrighted at this apparition,  
●pon recovery grew a great Precision.  
●●e bought a Bible of the new translation,  
●nd in his life, he show'd great reformation:  
●e walked mannerly, and talked meekly;  
●e heard three Lectures, and two Sermons weekly;  
●e vowed to shun all companies unruly,  
●nd in his speech he used none oath, but truly:  
●nd zealously to keep the sabboth's rest,  
His meat for that day, on the e'ue was dressed.  
And lest the custom, that he had to steal,  
Might cause him sometime to forget his zeal,  
He gives his iournymen a special charge.  
That if the stuffs allowance being large,  
He found his fingers were to filch inclined,  
Bid him but have the Banner in his mind.  
This done, I scant can tell the rest for laughter,  
A Captain of a Ship came three days after,  
And brought three yards of Velvet, & three quarters  
To make Venetians down below the garters.  
He that precisely knew what was enough,  
Soon slipped away three quarters of the stuff.  
His man espying it, said in derision,  
Remember, Master, how you saw the vision.  
Peace (knave) quoth he, I did not see one rag  
Of such a coloured silk in all the flag.   

21 Of one Paulus a great man that expected to be followed.  
PRoud Paulus late advanced to high degree,  
Expects that I should now his follower be.  
Glad I would be to follow one's direction,  
By whom my honest suits might have protection.  
But I sue Don Fernando's heir for land,  
Against so great a Peer he dare not stand.  
A Bishop sues me for my tithes, that's worse,  
He dares not venture on a Bishop's curse.  
Sergeant Erifilus bears me old grudges,  
Yea but, saith Paulus, Sergeants may be judges.  
Pure Cinna o'er my head would beg my Lease,  
Who my lord— Man, O hold your peace.  
Rich widow Lesbian for a slander sues me.  
Tush for a woman's cause, he must refuse me.  
Then farewell frost: Paulus, henceforth excuse me.  
For you that are yourself thralled to so many,  
Shall never be my good Lord, if I have any.   

22 Of a terrible Temporal non-resident.  
OLd Cosmus hath of late got one lewd quality,  
To rail at some that have the cure of souls,  
And his pure spirit their avarice controls,  
That in their livings is such inequality,  
That they that can keep, no good hospitality,  
And some that would, whose fortune he condoles,  
●ant means: which comes, he says, in generality,  
because of these same To●●●●ts, and Plurality;  
Affirming as a sentence full discussed,  
One Clergy man have but one living must.  
●ut he, besides his sundry civil offices,  
●ath brought in fee, five fat Impropriations,  
twelve Patronages rights, or Presentations,  
●ll which he keeps, yet preaches not nor prophesies.  
●el Cosmus hold thy tongue, else some will scoff at this.  
Thou'dst have us think a Priest should have but one,  
we'll think, nay say, nay swear thou shouldst have none.  
●l suits it thee to blame, then for non Residents,  
That givest thereof such foul and shameful Presiden●●.   

23 A Tale of a Roasted Horse.  
ONe Lord, 2. Knights, 3. Squires, 7. Dames at least,  
My kind friend Marcus bade unto his Feast,  
Where were both Fish and Flesh, and all acates,  
That men are wont to have that feast great States.  
To pay for which, next day he sold a Nag,  
Of whose pace, colour, Rain, he used to brag.  
Well, I'll ne'er care for red, or fallow Deer,  
And if a Horse thus cooked can make such cheer.   

24 Of Madam Dondrages with her fair breast.  
A Favourite of Charles late King of France,  
Disporting with the King one day by chance,  
Madam Dondrages came among the rest,  
All bare, as still she used 〈◊〉 her breast.  
The King would needs have notice of his Minion;  
Of this free Dame what was his frank opinion?  
I say, and dare affirm, my liege, quoth he,  
That if the crupper like the pertrell be,  
A King a Love I worthy can account,  
Upon so brave a trapped beast to mount.   

25 The Author to his wife, of a woman's eloquence.  
MY Mall, I mark that when you mean to prove me  
To buy a Velvet gown, or some rich border,  
Thou call'st me good sweet heart, thou swearest to love me,  
Thy locks, thy lips, thy looks, speak all in order,  
Thou think'st, and right thou think'st, that these do move me  
That all these severally thy suit do further:  
But shall I tell thee what most thy suit advances?  
Thy fair smooth words? no, no, thy fair smooth banches.   

26 Of Peleus' ill-fortune in burying his friends.  
OLd Peleus' plains his fortune and ill chance,  
That still he brings his friends unto the grave.  
God Peleus, I would thou hadst led the dance,  
And I had pointed thee what friends to have.   

27 To my Lady Rogers, of breaking her bitch's leg.  
●Ast night you laid it (Madam) in our dish,  
How that a maid of ours, whom we must check,  
●●d broke your bitch's leg, I strait did wish  
●●e baggage rather broken had her neck:  
〈◊〉 took my answer well, and all was whish.  
But take me right, I meant in that I said,  
Your baggage bitch, and not my baggage maid.   

28 Of Paying.  
A Captain late arrived from loss of Sluice,  
Hearing some friend of mine did him abuse,  
●ow'd he would pay him when he met him next.  
●y friend with these great threats nothing perplexed,  
Prayed that the promise failed not of fulfilling,  
For three years passed he lent him forty shilling.   

29 The Author, of his own fortune.  
TAke fortune as it falls, as one adviseth:  
Yet Heywood bids me take it as it riseth:  
●nd while I think to do as both do teach,  
〈◊〉 falls and riseth quite beside my reach.   

30 Of the cause of dearth.  
I Hear our Country neighbours oft complain,  
Their fruits are still destroyed with too much rai●  
Some guess by skill of Stars, and Science vain,  
Some watery Planet in the heavens doth reign:  
No, Sin doth reign on earth, the case is plain  
Which if we would repent, and then refrain,  
The skies would quickly keep their course again.  
Now that with lewdness we be lulled asleep,  
The heavens, to see our wickedness, do weep.   

31 To Sir Hugh Portman, in supping alone in too much company.  
WHen you bade forty guests, to me unknown,  
I came not, though you twice for me did send,  
For which you blame me as a sullen friend.  
Sir, pardon me, I list not sup alone.   

32 Of Sextus, a bad husband.  
HAd I, good Sextus, well considered first,  
And better thought on phrases of civility,  
When I said, you of husbands were the worst,  
I should have said, excepting the Nobility.  
Well, none, to speak more mannerly and true,  
The Nobles, and great Statesmen, all foreprised,  
●n husband worse than you, I never knew.  
●hen mend, yet thus in mending be advised:  
Be no good husband, for as some have thought,  
Husbands that will be good, make housewives nought.   

33 Of writing with double pointing. It is said, that King Edward of Carnarvan lying at Berkly Castle prisoner, a Cardinal wrote to his Keeper, Edwardum occidere noli, timere bonum est, which being read with the point at timere, it cost the King his life. Here ensues as doubtful a point, but I trust, not so dangerous.  
Dame's are endued with virtues excellent?  
What man is he can prove that they offend?  
Daily they serve the Lord with good intent:  
Seld they displease their husbands: to their end  
Always to please them well they do intend:  
Never in them one shall find shrewdness much.  
Such are their humours, and their grace is such.   

34 To my Lady Rogers.  
GOod Madam, in this verse observe one point,  
That it seems the Writer did appoint  
With smoothest oil of praise your ears to anoint;  
Yet one his purpose soon may disappoint.  
For in this verse disparting but a point.  
Will put this verse so clearly out of joint,  
That all this praise will scant be worth a point.   

35 To her Daughter, upon the same point, reading the same verse with another point.  
Dame's are endued with virtues excellent?  
What man is he can prove that? they offend  
Daily: they serve the Lord with good intent  
Seld: they displease their husbands to their end  
Always: to please them well they do intend  
Never: in them one shall find shrewdness much.  
Such are their humours, and their graces such.   

36  
MY Mall, the former verses this may teach you,  
That some deceive, some are deceived by shows.  
For this verse in your praise, so smooth that goes,  
With one false point and stop, did overreach you,  
And turn the praise to scorn, the rhymes to prose,  
By which you may be slandered all as shrews:  
And some, perhaps, may say, and speak no treason,  
The verses had more rhyme, the prose more reason.   

37 Comparison of the Sonnet, and the Epigram.  
ONce, by mishap, two Poets fell a-squaring,  
The Sonnet, and our Epigram comparing;  
And Faustus, having long demurd upon it,  
Yet, at the last, gave sentence for the Sonnet,  
Now, for such censure, this his chief defence is,  
Their sugared taste best likes his likresse senses.  
Well, though I grant Sugar may please the taste,  
Yet let my verse have salt to make it last.   

38 Of an accident of saying grace at the Lady Rogers, who used to dine exceeding late. Written to his wife.  
MY Mall, in your short absence from this place,  
Myself here dining at your mother's board,  
Your little son did thus begin his grace;  
The eyes of all things look on thee, o Lord,  
And thou their food dost give them in due season.  
Peace boy, quoth I, not more of this a word,  
For in this place, this Grace hath little reason:  
When as we speak to God, we must speak true.  
And though the meat be good in taste and season,  
This season for a dinner is not due:  
Then peace, I say, to lie to God is treason.  
Say on, my boy, saith she, your father mocks,  
Clowns, and not Courtiers, use to go by clocks.  
Courtiers by clocks, said I, and Clowns by cocks.  
Now, if your mother chide with me for this,  
Than you must reconcile us with a kiss.   

39 Of Don Pedro and his Poetry.  
SIr, I shall tell you news, except you know it,  
Our noble friend Don Pedro, is a Poet.  
His verses all abroad are read and shown,  
And he himself doth swear they are his own.  
His own? 'tis true, for he for them hath paid  
Two crowns a Sonnet, as I heard it said.  
So Ellen hath fair teeth, that in her purse  
She keeps all night, and yet sleeps ne'er the worse.  
So widow Lesbian, with her painted hide,  
Seemed, for the time, to make a handsome bride.  
If Pedro be for this a Poet called,  
So you may call one hairy that is bald.   

40 A comfort for poor Poets.  
POets, hereafter, for pensions need not care,  
Who call you beggars, you may call them liars,  
Verses are grown such merchantable ware,  
That now for Sonnets, sellers are, and buyers.   

41 Against a foolish Satirist.  
I Read that Satire thou intitlest first,  
And laid aside the rest, and overpast,  
And swore, I thought, that th'author was accursed,  
That that first Satire had not been his last.   

42 An Epitaph in commendation of George Turberuill, a learned Gentleman.  
WHen rhymes were yet but rude, thy pen endeavoured  
To polish Barbarism with purer style:  
●hē times were grown most old, thy heart persevered  
sincere & just, unstained with gifts or guile.  
●ow lives thy soul, though from thy corpse dissevered,  
●here high in bliss, here clear in fame the while;  
To which I pay this debt of due thanksgiving,  
My pen doth praise thee dead, thine graced me living   

●3 To the Queen's Majesty, when she found fault with some particular matters in Misacmos' Metamorphosis.  
O Read Sovereign, take this true, though poor excuse,  
Of all the errors of Misacmos Muse,  
〈◊〉 hound that of a whelp myself hath bred,  
●nd at my hand and table taught and fed,  
When other curs did fawn and flatter coldly,  
●id spring and leap, and play with me too boldly:  
For which, although my Pages check and rate him,  
Yet still myself doth much more love than hate him.   

●4 To the Ladies of the Queen's Privy-chamber, at the making of their perfumed privy at Richmond,  
The Book hanged in chains saith thus:  
Fair Dames, if any took in scorn, and spite  
Me, that Misacmos Muse in mi●th did write,  
〈◊〉 satisfy the sin, lo, h●re in chains,  
●or aye to hang, my Master he ordains.  
●et deem the deed to him no derogation,  
But doom to this device new commendation,  
Sith here you see, feel, smell that his conveyance  
Hath freed this noisome place from all annoyance.  
Now judge you, that the work mock, envy, taunt,  
Whose service in this place may make most vaunt:  
If us, or you, to praise it, were most meet,  
You, that made sour, or us, that make it sweet?   

45 To Master Cook, the Queen's Attorney, that wa● incited to call Misacmos into the star-chamber, but refused it; saying, he that could give another a Ven●e, had a sure ward for himself.  
THose that of dainty fare make dear provision,  
If some bad Cooks mar it with dressing evil,  
Are wont to say in jest, but just derision,  
The meat from God, the Cooks came from the devil.  
But, if this dish, though draff in apparition,  
Were made thus sawst, a service not uncivil,  
Say ye that taste, and not digest the Book,  
The Dee'le go with the meat, God with the Cook.   

46 Against Linus, a Writer, that found fault with the Metamorphosis.  
LYnus, to give to me a spiteful frump,  
Said that my writings savourd of the Pump,  
And that my Muse, for want of matter, takes  
An Argument to write of from the jakes.  
Well, Linus, speak each Reader as he thinks,  
Though thou of Sceptres wrat'st, and I of sinks,  
Yet some will say, comparing both together,  
My wit brings matter thence, thine matter thither.   

47 Of Garlic to my Lady Rogers.  
●F Leeks you like, and do the smell disleeke,  
Eat Onions, and you shall not smell the Leek:  
〈◊〉 you of Onions would the sent expel,  
●ate Garlic, that will drown th'onions smell.  
But sure, 'gainst Garlicks savour, at one word,  
I know but one receipt, what's that? (go look.)   

48 A dish of dainties for the Devil.  
A Godly Father, sitting on a draft,  
To do as need, & Nature hath us taught,  
●umbled, as was his manner, certain prayers:  
●nd unto him, the Devil strait repairs,  
●nd boldly to revile him he begins,  
alleging, that such prayers are deadly sins;  
●nd that it proved he was devoid of grace,  
●o speak to God in so unfit a place.  
●he reverend man, though at the first dismayed,  
●et strong in faith, thus to the Devil said;  
●hou damned Spirit, wicked, false, and lying,  
despairing thine own good, and ours envying:  
●ach take his due, and me thou canst not hurt,  
●o God my prayer I meant, to thee the dirt.  
Pure prayer ascends to him that high doth fit.  
Down falls the filth, for fiends of hell more fit.   

49 Of Don Pedro his sweet breath.  
HOw ist, Don Pedro's breath is still perfumed,  
And that he never like himself doth smell?  
I like it not, for still it is presumed;  
Who smelleth ever well, smells never well.   

50 Misacmos against his Book.  
THe Writer and the matter well might meet,  
Were he as eloquent, as it is sweet.   

51 Of Cloacina and Sterquitius.  
THe Romans ever counted superstitious  
Adored with high titles of Divinity,  
Dame Cloacina, and the Lord Sterquitius,  
Two persons in their State of great affinity.  
But we, that scorn opinions so pernicious,  
Are taught by Truth well tried, t'adore the Trinity.  
And, whoso care of true Religion takes,  
Will think such Saints well shrined in Ajax.   

52 To the Queen when she was pacified, and had sent Misacmos' thanks for the invention.  
A Poet once of trajan begged a Lease,  
(trajan, terror of War, mirror of Peace)  
●●d doubting how his writings were accepted,  
'gainst which he heard some Courtiers had excepted;  
●● came to him, and with all due submission,  
●●liuered this short Verse, with this Petition:  
●●are Sovereign, if you like not of my Writings,  
〈◊〉 this sweet cordial to a spirit daunted.  
〈◊〉 if you read, and like my poor inditings,  
〈◊〉 for reward let this small suit be granted.  
Of which short Verse, I find ensued such fruit,  
The Poet, of the Prince obtained his suit.   

53 A Poets Privilege.  
Painter's and Poet's claim by old enroulement,  
A Charter, to dare all without controlment.   

54 To Faustus.  
Faustus' finds fault, my Epigrams are short,  
Because to read them, he doth make some sport:  
I thank thee, Faustus, though thou judgest wrong,  
Ere long I'll make thee swear they be too long.   

55 Against Faustus.  
WHat is the cause, Faustus, that in dislike  
Proud Paulus still doth touch thee with a Pike?  
〈◊〉 breedeth in my mind a great confusion,  
●o think what he should mean by such elusion.  
Trowst thou he means, that thou mightst make a Pikeman?  
That cannot be, for that thou art no like man.  
Thy crazed bones cannot endure the shock,  
Besides, his manner is to speak in mock.  
Or ist, because the Pike's a greedy Fish,  
Devours as thou dost many a dainty Dish?  
And in another sort, and more unkind,  
Wilt bite, and spoil those of thy proper kind?  
Or doth he mean thou art a quarrell-piker,  
That amongst men, wert never thought a striker?  
In this he says, thou art a Christian brother,  
That stricken on one ear, thou turnest the other.  
Or doth he mean that thou wouldst pick a thank?  
No sure, for of that fault I count thee frank.  
How can thy tale to any man be grateful,  
Whose person, manners, face and all's so hateful?  
Then, Faustus, I suspect yet one thing worse,  
Thou hast picked somewhat else. What's that? a purse?   

56 Of mis-conceiving.  
LAdies, you blame my verses of scurrility,  
While with the double sense you were deceived.  
Now you confess them free from incivility.  
Take heed henceforth you be not misconceived.   

57 How the bath is like Purgatory.  
WHether it be a Fable, or a Story,  
That Beda and others write of Purgatory:  
● know no place that more resemblance hath  
With that same Purgatory, than the bath.  
Men there with pains, do purge their passed sins,  
Many with pains, purge here their parched skins:  
●rying and freezing are the pains there told,  
Here the chief pain, consists in heat and cold.  
Confused cries, vapour and smoke and stink,  
●re certain here: that there they are, some think  
There fire burns Lords and louts without respect,  
Our water for his force works like effect:  
Thence none can be delivered without praying,  
Hence no man is delivered without paying.  
But once escaped thence, hath sure salvation,  
But those go hence, still fear recidivation.   

58 Of going to bath.  
A Common phrase long used here hath been,  
And by prescription now some credit hath:  
That divers Ladies coming to the bath,  
Come chiefly but to see, and to be seen.  
But if I should declare my conscience briefly,  
● cannot think that is their Arrant chiefly.  
For as I hear that most of them have dealt,  
They chiefly came to feel, and to be felt.   

59 Of Plain dealing.  
MY writings oft displease you: what's the matter  
You love not to hear truth, nor I to flatter.   

60 Against Paulus.  
BEcause in these so male contented times,  
I please myself with private recreation;  
In reading or in sweetest contemplation,  
Or writing sometime prose, oft pleasant rhymes:  
Paulus, whom I have thought my friend sometimes,  
Seeks all he may to taint my reputation:  
Not with complaints, nor any heinous crimes,  
But only saying in his scoffing fashion,  
These writers that still savour of the schools,  
Frame to themselves a Paradise of fools.  
But while he scorns our mirth and plain simplicity,  
Himself doth sail to Africa and Ind.  
And seeks with hellish pains, yet doth not find  
That bliss, in which he frames his wise felicity.  
Now which of twain is best, some wise men tell,  
Our Paradise, or else wise Paulus hell.   

61 Of Caius hurts in the war.  
CAius of late returned from Flemish wars,  
Of certain little scratches bears the scars,  
And for that most of them are in his face,  
With tant plus beau he shows them for his grace.  
●et came they not by dint of Pike, or Dart,  
●ut with a pot, a pint, or else a quart.  
But he ne'er makes his boast, how, and by whom,  
He hath received a greater blow at home.   

62 Of two Welsh Gentlemen.  
I Herd among some other pretty Tales,  
How once there were two Gentlemen of Wales,  
Of Noble blood, descended of his House,  
That from our Lady's gown did take a Louse.  
These two (thus goes the tale) upon a day,  
Did hap to travel upon London way:  
●nd for 'twas cumbersome to wear a boot,  
●or their more ease, they needs would walk afoot.  
Their fare was dainty, and of no small cost,  
●or every meal they called for baked and roast.  
●nd lest they should their best apparel lack,  
Each of them bore his Wardrobe at his back.  
Their Arrant was, but sore against their wills,  
●o Westminster to speak with Master Milles.  
●o marvel men of such a sumptuous Diet,  
Were brought into the star-chamber for a Riot.  
These Squires one night arrived at a town,  
To look their lodgings, when the Sun was down.  
And for the Innkeeper his gates had locked,  
●n haste, like men of some account they knocked.  
The drowsy Chamberlain doth ask who's there.  
They told that Gentlemen of Wales they were.  
How many, quoth the man, is there of you?  
Quoth they, Here is john ap Rice, ap jones, ap Hue;  
And Nicholas ap Steven, ap Giles, ap Davy.  
Then Gentlemen, adieu, quoth he, God save ye.  
Your Worships might have had a bed or twain,  
But how can that suffice so great a train?   

63 To Master Maior of bath, that bath is like Paradise.  
SIr, if you either angry were or sorry,  
That I have likened bath to Purgatory:  
Lo, to regain your favour in a trice,  
I'll prove it much more like to Paradise.  
Man was at first in Paradise created,  
Many men still in bath are procreated.  
Man lived there in state of Innocence,  
Here many live in wit, like Innocents'.  
There sprang the heads of four most noble streams  
From hence flow springs, not matched in any Realms  
Those springs & fruits, brought help for each disease  
These unto many maladies bring ease.  
Man, there was monylesse, naked and poor.  
Many go begging here from door to door.  
Man there did taste the Tree he was forbidden.  
Here many men taste fruits, makes them be chidden  
Angels dwell there in pure and shining habit.  
Angels like faces, some this place inhabit.  
Angels let in all are admitted thither,  
Angels keep in all are admitted hither.  
Many are said to go to heaven from thence,  
Many are sent to heaven, or hell, from hence.  
But in this one thing likeness most is framed,  
That Men in bath go naked, not ashamed.   

64 Of Don Pedro's debts.  
Done Pedro's out of debt, be bold to say it,  
For they are said to owe, that mean to pay it.   

65 Of one that vowed to disinherit his son, and give his goods to the poor.  
A Citizen that dwelled near Temple-bar,  
By hap one day fell with his Son at jar;  
Whom for his evil life, and lewd demerit,  
He oft affirmed, he would quite disinherit,  
And vowed his goods, and lands, all to the poor,  
His son what with his play, what with his whore,  
Was so consumed at last, as he did lack  
Meat for his mouth, and clothing for his back.  
O crafty poverty! his father now,  
May give him all he hath, yet keep his vow.   

66 Of a Precise Cobbler, and an ignorant Curate.  
A Cobbler, and a Curate, once disputed  
Afore a judge, about the Queen's Injunctions,  
And sith that still the Curate was confuted,  
One said 'twas fit that they two changed functions.  
Nay, said the judge, that motion much I loath,  
But if you will, we'll make them Cobblers both.   

67 Of Linus Poetry.  
WHen Linus thinks that he and I are friends,  
Then all his Poems unto me he sends:  
His Distiches, Satyrs, Sonnets, and Exameters,  
His Epigrams, his Lyrics, his Pentameters.  
Then I must censure them, I must correct them,  
Then only I must order, and direct them.  
I read some three or four, and pass the rest,  
And when for answer, I by him am priest,  
I say, that all of them, some praise deserve,  
For certain uses I could make them serve.  
But yet his rhyme is harsh, uneven his number,  
The manner much, the matter both doth cumber.  
His words too strange, his meanings are too mistic●  
But at one word, I best endure his Distich:  
And yet, might I persuade him in mine humour,  
Not to affect vain praise of common rumour,  
Then should he write of nothing: for indeed,  
Gladly of nothing I his verse would read.   

68 Of one that seeks to be stellified being no Pithagorian.  
AN use there was among some pythagorians,  
If we give credit to the best Historians:  
How they that would observe the course of Stars,  
To purge the vapours, that our clear sight tarres,  
And bring the brain unto a settled quiet,  
Did keep a wondrous strict and sparing diet,  
Drink water from the purest heads of springs,  
Eat Herbs and Flowers, not taste of living things:  
And then to this scant fare, their books applying,  
They called this sparing Diet, Stellifying.  
Then thinkest thou, professed Epicure,  
That never couldst virtuous pains endure,  
That eatest fat Venison, bowzest Claret Wine,  
●o'st play till twelve, and sleep till after nine,  
And in a Coach like Vulcan's son dost ride,  
That thou art worthy to be stellified?   

69 Against Momus.  
LEwd Momus loves, men's lives and lines to skan,  
Yet said (by chance) I was an honest man.  
●ut yet one fault of mine, he straight rehearses,  
Which is, I am so full of toys and verses.  
True, Momus, true, that is my fault, I grant.  
●et when thou shalt thy chiefest virtue vaunt,  
I know some worthy Spirits one might entice,  
To leave that greatest Virtue, for this Vice.   

70 Of Galla, and her Tawny fan.  
WHen Galla and myself do talk together,  
Her face she shrouds with fan of tawny Feather,  
And while my thought somewhat thereof deviseth,  
A double doubt within my mind ariseth:  
As first, her skin or fan which looketh brighter,  
And second whether those her looks be lighter,  
Then that same Plume wherewith her looks were hidden,  
But if I cleared these doubts, I should be chidden.   

71 To his Wife for striking her Dog.  
YOur little Dog that barked as I came by,  
I struck by hap so hard, I made him cry,  
And strait you put your finger in your eye,  
And lowering sat, and asked the reason why.  
Love me, and love my Dog, thou didst reply:  
Love as both should be loved. I will, said I,  
And sealed it with a kiss. Then by and by,  
Cleared were the clouds of thy fair frowning sky.  
Thus small events, great masteries may try.  
For I by this, do at their meaning guess,  
That beat a Whelp afore a Lioness.   

72 Against a wittal Broker that set his wife to sale.  
I See thee sell Swords, Pistols, Cloaks, and Gowns,  
With Doublets, Slops, & they that pay thee crowns;  
Do, as 'tis reason, bear away the ware,  
Which to supply, is thy continual care.  
But thy wives ware, far better rate doth hold,  
Which unto sundry chapman's daily sold.  
Her Fair lasts all the year, and doth not finish,  
Nor doth her ware ought lessen, or diminish.   

73 Of his translation of Ariosta.  
I Spent some years, & months, & weeks, and days,  
In Englishing the Italian Ariost.  
And strait some offered Epigrams in praise  
Of that my thankless pains, and fruitless cost.  
But while this offer did my spirits raise,  
And that I told my friend thereof in post:  
He disapproved the purpose many ways,  
And with this proverb proved it labour lost:  
Good Ale doth need no sign, good Wine no bush,  
Good verse of praisers, needs not pass a rush.   

74 Of Cinna's Election.  
PVre Cinna makes no question he's elect,  
Yet lewdly lives: I might believe him better,  
If he would change his life, or change one letter,  
And say that he is sure he is eject.  
An holy, true, and long preserved purity,  
May hap, and bu● perhaps breed such security.   

75 The Author to a Daughter of nine year old.  
THough pride in Damsels is a hateful vice,  
Yet could I like a Noble-minded Girl,  
That would demand me things of costly price,  
Rich Velvet gowns, pendents, and chains of Pearl  
Carknets of Agates, cut with rare device,  
Not that hereby she should my mind entice  
To buy such things against both wit and profit,  
But I like well she should be worthy of it.   

76 To the Earl of Essex, of one envious of Ariosto translated.  
MY Noble Lord, some men have thought me prou●  
Because my Furioso is so spread,  
And that your Lordship hath it seen and read,  
And have my vein, and pain therein aloud.  
No sure, I say, and long time since have vowed,  
My fancies shall not with such baits be fed,  
Nor am I framed so light in foot or head,  
That I should dance at sound of praises crowed:  
Yes I'll confess this pleased me when I heard it,  
How one that ever carp at others writings,  
Yet seldom any shows of his inditings:  
With much ado gave up this hungry verdict,  
'Twas well he said, but 'twas but a translation.  
Is 't not a Ram that butts of such a fashion?   

77 Of a speechless woman. To his wife.  
A Cursed wife, of her husbands dealings doubting,  
At his home coming silent was and mute,  
●nd when with kindness he did her salute,  
●he held her peace, and lowering sat and pouring,  
Which humour that he thought to check with flouting:  
He caused one secretly to raise a brute  
That she lay speechless: strait the Bell doth toll,  
●nd men devoutly given, prayed for her soul.  
Then some kind Gossips made a special suit  
●o visit her, her hard case to condole:  
●he wondered at the cause: but when she knew it,  
from that time forward, so her tongue did role,  
●hat her good man did wish he had been breechlesse,  
When first he gave it forth, that she was speechless.  
Well then, my Moll, lest my mishap be such,  
Be never dumb, yet never speak too much.   

78 Of a dumb Horse.  
WHen you and I, Paulus once Hackneys hired,  
Road late to Rochester, my Hackney tired:  
You that will lose a friend, to coin a jest,  
Played thus on me, and my poor tired beast.  
Mark, in Misacmos' Horse, a wondrous change,  
A sudden Metamorphosis most strange.  
His horse-way lay at rising of the Sun,  
And now you plain may see his Horse is down.  
Well, Paulus, thus with me, you please to sport,  
But thus again, your scoff I can retort.  
Your hair was black, and therein was your glory:  
But in two years, it grew all grey and hoary.  
Now like my Hackney worn with too much travel,  
Mired in the clay, or tired in the gravel.  
While two year more over your head are run,  
Your hair is neither black, nor grey, 'tis done.   

79 Of Leda that played at Tables with her Husband.  
IF tales are told of Leda be not Fables,  
Thou with thy Husband dost play false at Tables.  
First, thou so cunningly a Die canst slur,  
To strike an Ace so dead, it cannot stir.  
Then play thou for a pound, or for a pin,  
High men are low men, still are foisted in.  
Thirdly through, for free entrance is no fearing,  
Yet thou dost overreach him still at bearing:  
If poor Almesace, or Sincts, have been the cast,  
Thou bearest too many men, thou bearest too fast.  
Well, Leda, hear my counsel, use it not,  
Else your fair game may have so foul a blot,  
That he to lose, or leave, will first adventure,  
Then in so shameful open points to enter.   

80 Of Soothsaying, to the Queen of England.  
MIght Queens shun future mischief by foretelling,  
Then among Soothsayers 'twere excellent dwelling:  
●ut if there be no means, such harms expelling,  
The knowledge makes the grief, the more excelling.  
Well, yet dear Liege, my soul this comfort doth,  
That of these Soothsayers very few say sooth.   

81 How an Ass may prove an Elephant.  
●T hath been said, to give good spirits hope,  
A Knight may prove a King, a Clerk, a Pope▪  
●ut our young spirits disdaining all old Rules,  
Compared by holy Writ, to Horse and Mules:  
'tis vain with ancient Proverbs, to provoke  
●o virtuous course, with these such bear no stroke.  
Then their old pride, let my new Proverb daunt,  
An Ass may one day prove an Elephant.   

82 Of a Precise Lawyer.  
A Lawyer called unto the Bar but lately,  
Yet one that lofty bare his looks, and stately,  
And how so ere his mind was in sincerity,  
His speech and manners show'd a great austerity.  
This Lawyer hoped to be a bidden guest,  
With divers others to a Gossip's feast.  
Where though that many did by intercourse,  
Exchange sometimes from this, to that discourse:  
Yet one bend brow, and frown of him was able,  
To govern all the talk was at the table.  
His manner was, perhaps to help digestion,  
Still to Divinity to draw each question:  
In which his tongue extravagant would range,  
And he pronounced Maxims very strange.  
First, he affirmed, it was a passing folly,  
To think one day more than another holy.  
If one said Michaelmas, strait he would chide,  
And tell them they must call it Michael's tide.  
If one had sneezde to say (as is the fashion)  
Christ help, 'twas witchcraft, & deserved damnation▪  
Now when he talked thus, you must suppose,  
The Gossip's cup came often from his nose.  
And were it the warm spice, or the warm wether,  
At least he sneezed twice or thrice together.  
A pleasant guest, that kept his words in mind,  
And heard him sneeze, in scorn said, Keep behind  
At which the Lawyer taking great offence,  
Said, Sir, you might have used save reverence.  
I would quoth th' other, save I feared you  
Would then have called save reverence witchcraft too.   

83 A prophesy when Asses shall grow Elephants.  
1 WHen making harmful guns, unfruitful glasses,  
Shall quite consume our stately Oaks to ashes:  
2 When Law fills all the land with blots and dashes,  
3 When land long quiet, held concealed, passes.  
4 When war and truce plays passes and repasses,  
5 When Monopolies are given of toys and trashes:  
6 When courtiers mar good clothes, with cuts & slashes,  
7 When Lads shall think it free to lie with Lasses,  
8 When clergy rome's to buy, sell, none abashes,  
9 When fowl skins are made fair with new found washeses,  
10 When prints are set on work, with Greene's & Nashes,  
11 When Lechers learn to stir up Lust with lashes,  
When plainness vanishes, vainness surpasses,  
Some shall grow Elephants, were known but Asses.   

84 To my Lady Rogers of her servant Pain.  
YOur servant pain, for Legacies hath sued  
Seven years. I asked him how his matter passes.  
He tells how his Testator left not assets.  
By which plea him th'executor would allude.  
● in this Lawyers French both dull and rude,  
Replied, the plea my learning far surpasses.  
Yet when reports of both sides I had viewed  
In Forma paper, this I did conclude;  
He was left Pauper, and all his Counsel asses:  
Yet you would give a hundred crowns or twain,  
That you could clear discharge your servant Pain.   

84 Of one that is unwilling to lend money.  
WHen I but buy two suits of rich apparel,  
Or some fair ready horse against the running,  
Rich Quintus, that same Miser, sly and cunning,  
Yet my great friend, begins to pick a quarrel,  
To tell me how his credit is in peril;  
How some great Lord (whose name may not be spoken,  
With him for twenty thousand crowns hath broken.  
Then, with a feigned sigh, and sign of sorrow,  
Swearing he thinks these Lords will quite undo him,  
He calls his servant Oliver unto him,  
And sends to the Exchange, to take on use  
One thousand pounds, must needs be paid to morrow.  
Thus would he blind mine eyes with this abuse,  
And thinks, though he was sure I came to borrow,  
That now I needs must shut my mouth for shame.  
Fie, Quintus, fie, then when I speak deny me.  
But to deny me thus, before I try thee,  
Blush and confess that you be too too blame.   

85 Against Promoters.  
BAse spies, disturbers of the public rest,  
With forged wrongs, the true man's right that wrest:  
●acke hence exiled to desert lands, and waste.  
And drink the cup that you made others taste.  
But yet the Prince to you doth bounty show,  
That doth your very lives on you bestow.   

86 Against too much trust.  
●F you will shroud you safe from all mis-haps,  
And shun the cause of many afterclaps:  
Put not in any one, too much belief:  
Your joy will be the less, so will your grief.   

87 Of dangerous reconciling.  
DIcke said, Beware a reconciled foe,  
For, though he soothe your words, he seeks your woe:  
●ut I would have my friend late reconciled,  
beware then Dick, lest he be worst beguiled.   

88 Of Leda that says she is sure to be saved.  
SInce Leda knew that sure she was elected,  
She buys rich clothes, fares well, and makes her boast:  
Her corpse, the Temple of the Holy Ghost,  
Must be more cherrished, and more respected:  
But Leda liveth still to sin subjecteth.  
Tell Leda, that her friend Misacmos fears,  
That till she get a mind of more submission,  
And purge that corpse with Hyssop of contrition,  
And wash that sinful soul with saltish tears,  
Though Quails she eats, though Gold & Pearl she wears,  
Yet sure she doth with damned Core & Dathan,  
But feed and clad a Synagogue of Satan.   

89 To the Lady Rogers, of her unprofitable sparing.  
WHen I to you sometimes make friendly motion,  
To spend up your superfluous provision,  
Or sell the same for coin, or for devotion,  
To make thereof among the poor division;  
Strait you answer me, half in derision,  
And bid me speak against your course no more:  
For plenty you do love, store is no sore.  
But ah, such store is enemy to plenty,  
You waste for fear to want, I dare assume it:  
For, while to sell, spend, give, you make such dainty,  
Keep corn and cloth, till rat and rot consume it,  
Let meat so mould, till musk cannot perfume it,  
And by such sparing, seek to mend such store,  
Sore is such store, and God offending sore.   

90 Against Church-robbers, upon a picture that hangs where it is worthy.  
THe Germans have a byword at this hour,  
By Luther taught, by Painter's skill expressed,  
How Satan daily Friars doth devour,  
Whom in short space he doth so well digest,  
That passing down through his posterior parts,  
Tall soldiers thence he to the world delivers,  
And out they fly, all armed with pikes and darts,  
With halberds, & with muskets and calivers.  
According to this Lutheran opinions,  
They that devour whole Churches and their rents,  
I mean our favourites and Courtly Minions,  
Void Forts and Castles, in their excrements.   

91 A Tale of a Bailiff distraining for rent. To my Lady Rogers.  
I Herd a pleasant tale at Cammington,  
There where my Lady dwelled, called The fair Nun,  
How one that by his office was Deceiver,  
My tongue oft trips) I should have said Receiver,  
Or to speak plain and true, an arrant bailie,  
Such as about the Country travel daily,  
That when the quarter day was two days past,  
Went presently to gather rents in haste.  
And if, as oft it happed, he broke good manner,  
He strait would plead the custom of the Manor,  
Swearing he might distrain all goods and chattel,  
Were it in movables, or else quick cattle.  
This Bailiff, coming to a tenement,  
In the Tenant's absence, strained his wife for rent;  
In which the beast so pliable he found,  
He never needs to drive her to the pound.  
The Tenant, by intelligence, did guess,  
The Bailiff taken had a wrong distress:  
And to the Bailiffs wife he went complaining,  
Of this her husband's usage in distraining;  
Requesting her like courtesies to render,  
And to accept such rent as he would tender.  
She, whether moved with some strange compassion,  
Or that his tale did put her in new passion,  
Accepts his payment like a gentle wench;  
All coin was currant, English, Spanish, French:  
And when she taken had his sorry pittance,  
I think, that with a kiss she sealed the quittance.  
When next these husbands met, they chafed, they cursed▪  
Happy was he that could cry Cuckold furst.  
From spiteful words, they fell to daggers drawing▪  
And after, each to other threatened lawing.  
Each party seeks to make him strong by faction,  
In several Courts they enter several action,  
Actions of Battery, actions in the Case,  
With riots, routs, disturbed all the place.  
Much blood, much money had been spilled and spent,  
About this foolish straining for the rent;  
Save that a gentle justice of the Peace,  
Willing to cause such foolish quarrels cease,  
Prevailed so with the parties by entreaty,  
Of concord both agreed to have a treaty:  
And both referred the matter to the justice,  
Who having well observed what a jest is:  
To think two Cuckolds were so fairly parted,  
Each having ta'en the blow, that never smarted,  
He charged each of them shake hands together,  
And when they meet, to say, Good morrow, brother.  
Thus each quit other all old debts and dribblets,  
And set the Hare's head, against the Goose's giblets.   

92 Of casting out Spirits with fasting, without Prayer.  
A Virtuous Dame that for her state and quality,  
Did ever love to keep great Hospitality,  
●er name I must not name in plain reciting,  
●ut thus the chiefest instrument in writing,  
Was, by Duke Humfrey's guests so boldly haunted,  
●hat her good mind thereby was shrewdly daunted.  
●he sighing said one day to a careless jester,  
●hese ill bred guests my board and house so pester,  
●hat I pray God oft times with all my heart,  
●hat they would leave this haunt, and hence depart:  
●e that by his own humour haply guest,  
What manner spirit these smel-feasts had possessed,  
Told him, the surest way such spirits out-casting,  
Was, to leave prayer awhile, & fall to fasting.   

93 Against Itis a Poet.  
ITis with leaden sword doth wound my Muse,  
Itis whose Muse in uncouth terms doth swagger▪  
For should I wish Itis for this abuse,  
But to his leaden sword, a wooden dagger:   

94 Of Wittol.  
CAyus, none reckoned of thy wife a point,  
While each man might, without all let or cūbe●  
But since a watch o'er her thou didst appoint,  
Of Customers she hath no little number.  
Well, let them laugh hereat that list, and scoff it,  
But thou dost find what makes most for thy profi●   
The end of the first Book.   

Sir JOHN harrington's Epigrams, the second Book.  

1 To the Lady Rogers, th' author's wives Mother.  
●F I but speak words of a pleasing sound:  
Yea though the same be but in sport and play,  
●ou bid me peace, or else a thousand pound,  
●uch words shall work out of my children's way.  
When you say thus, I have no word to say.  
●hus without Obligation, I stand bound,  
●hus, wealth makes you command, hope me obey.  
●ut let me find this true another day:  
●lse when your body shall be brought to ground,  
Your soul to blessed Abraham's bosom, I.  
May with good manners give your soul the lie.   

2 Of the Bishopric of Landaffe.  
A Learned Prelate late disposed to laugh,  
Hearing me name the Bishop of Landaffe:  
You should say, he advising well hereon,  
Call him Lord Off: for all the land is gone.   

3 Of Don Pedro's Diet drink.  
Done Pedro drinks to no man at the board,  
Nor once a taste doth of his cup afford.  
Some think it pride in him: but see their blindness  
I know therein, his Lordship doth us kindness.   

4 Of Leda and Balbus.  
LEda was Balbus quean, yet might she have denied it.  
She weds him, now what means hath Leda left to hide it?   

5 Of Cinna his Gossip cup.  
WHen I with thee, Cinna, do dine or sup,  
Thou still dost offer me thy Gossip's cup:  
And though it savour well, and be well spiced,  
Yet I to taste thereof am not enticed.  
Now sith you needs will have me cause allege,  
While I strain curtsy in that cup to pledge:  
One said, thou mad'st that cup so hot of spice,  
That it had made thee now a widower twice.  
I will not say 'tis so, nor that I think it:  
But good Sir, pardon me, I cannot drink it.   

6 Of Leda's Religion.  
MY lovely Leda, some at thee repining,  
Asked me unto what sect thou art inclining?  
Which doubts shall I resolve among so many,  
Whether to none, to one, to all, to any?  
Surely one should be deemed a false accusant,  
That would appeach Leda for a Recusant.  
Her fault according to her former using,  
Was noted more in taking, then refusing.  
For Lent, or Fasts, she hath no superstition,  
For if she have not changed her old condition:  
Be it by night in bed, in day in dish,  
Flesh unto her more welcome is then Fish.  
Thou art no Protestant, thy falsehood saith,  
Thou canst not hope to save thyself by faith.  
Well, Leda, yet to show my good affection,  
I le say thy sect is of a double section.  
A Brownist lovely brown, thy face and breast,  
The Families of Love, in all the rest.   

7 That favourites help the Church.  
OF late I wrote after my wanton fashion,  
That favourites consume the Church's rents:  
But moved in conscience with retraction,  
I'll show how sore that rashness me reputes.  
For noting in my private observation,  
What rents and schisms among us daily grow:  
No hope appears of reconciliation,  
By help of such as can, or such as know.  
My Muse must sing, although my soul laments,  
That Favourites increase the Church's rents.   

8 Of Cinna his courage.  
PVre Cinna saith, and proudly doth profess,  
That if the quarrel he maintains be good:  
No man more valiant is to spend his blood,  
No man can dread of death, of danger less.  
But if the cause be bad, he doth confess,  
His heart is cold, and cowardly his mood.  
Well, Cinna, yet this cannot be withstood,  
Thou hast but evil luck, I shrewdly guess,  
That biding whereas brawls are bred most rife,  
Thou never hadst good quarrel all thy life.   

9 Of a Lawyer that deserved his fee.  
SExtus retained a Sergeant at the Laws,  
With one good Fee in an ill-favoured cause.  
The matter bad, no judge nor jury plyent,  
The verdict clearly passed against the Client.  
With which he chafed, and swore he was betrayed,  
Because for him the Sergeant little said:  
And of the Fee, he would have barred him half.  
Whereat the Sergeant wroth, said, Dizzard Calf,  
Thou wouldst, if thou hadst wit, or sense to see,  
Confess I had deserved a double Fee,  
That stood and blushed there in thy behalf.   

10 Of Don Pedro  
A Slave thou wert by birth, of this I gather,  
For ever more thou sayst, my Lord, my Father.   

11 Against Linus a writer.  
I Hear that Linus grows in wondrous choler,  
Because I said, he wrote but like a scholar.  
If I have said so, Linus, I must grant it,  
What ere I speak thy scholarship concerning,  
I never thought, or meant, that thou hast learning:  
But that hereof may grow some more recital,  
I'll teach thee how to make me full requital.  
Say thou to breed me equal spite and choler,  
Misacmos never writes, but like a scholar.   

12 Of Don Pedro's bonds.  
Done Pedro cares not in what bonds he enter.  
Then I to trust Don Pedro soon will venture.  
For no man can of bonds stand more secure,  
Then he that means to keep his payment sure.   

13 Against Cayus that scorned his Metamorphosis.  
LAst day thy Mistress, Cayus, being present,  
One happed to name, to purpose not unpleasant,  
The Title of my mis-conceived Book:  
At which you spit, as though you could not brook  
So gross a Word: but shall I tell the matter  
Why? If one names a jax, your lips do water.  
There was the place of your first love and meeting,  
There first you gave your Mistress such a greeting,  
As bred her scorn, your shame, and others laughter,  
And made her feel it twenty fortnight's after:  
Then thank their wit, that make the place so sweet,  
That for your Hymen you thought place so meet.  
But meet not Maids at Madam Cloacina,  
Lest they cry nine months after, Help Lucina.   

14 Against an Atheist.  
THat heavens are void, & that no gods there are,  
Rich Paulus saith, and all his proof is this:  
That while such blasphemies pronounce he dare,  
He liveth here in ease, and earthly bliss.   

15 Of Cosmus heir.  
WHen all men thought old Cosmus was a dying,  
And had by Will given thee much goods & lands,  
Oh, how the little Cosmus fell a crying▪  
Oh, how he beats his breasts, and wring his hands!  
How fervently for Cosmus health he prayed!  
What worthy Alms he vowed, on that condition:  
But when his pangs a little were allayed,  
●nd health seemed hoped, by the learned Physician,  
Then though his lips, all love, and kindness vaunted,  
His heart did pray, his prayer might not be granted.   

16 Of Faustus, a stealer of Verses.  
I Herd that Faustus oftentimes reherses,  
To his chaste Mistress, certain of my Verses:  
●n which with use, so perfect he is grown,  
●hat she poor fool, now thinks they are his own.  
● would esteem it (trust me) grace, not shame,  
●f davis, or if Daniel did the same.  
●or would I thank, or would I quarrel pike,  
● when I list, could do to them the like.  
●ut who can wish a man a fouler spite,  
●hen have a blind man take away his light?  
A begging Thief, is dangerous to my purse:  
A baggage Poet to my Verse is worse.   

17 Misacmos of himself.  
Muse you, Misacmos fails in some endeavour.  
Alas, an honest man's a Novice ever.  
Fie, but a man's disgraced, noted a Novice.  
Yea, but a man's more graced, noted of no vice.   

18 Of the corn that reigned.  
I Handled, tasted, saw it with mine eyes,  
The grain that lately fell down from the skies:  
Yet what it tok'ned could I not devise,  
And many doubts did in my mind arise.  
At last, I thus resolved, it signifies  
That this is our sole mean, to mend this dearth,  
To ask from heaven, that we do lack on earth.   

19 To his wife, at the birth of his sixth Child.  
THe Poet martial made a special suit  
Unto his Prince, to grant him under seal,  
Right of three children, which they did impute  
A kind of honour, in their Commonweal.  
But for such suit, myself I need not trouble,  
For thou dost seal to me this Patent double.   

20 Against Feasting.  
Kind Marcus, me to supper lately bad,  
And to declare how well to us he wishes,  
The room was strowed with Roses and with Rushes,  
And all the cheer was got, that could be had.  
Now in the midst of all our dainty dishes,  
Me think, said he to me, you look but sad,  
Alas (said I) 'tis to see thee so mad,  
To spoil the skies of Fowls, the seas of fishes,  
The land of beasts, and be at so much cost,  
For that which in one hour will all be lost.  
That entertainment that makes me most glad,  
Is not the store of stewed, boiled, baked and roast.  
But sweet discourse, mean fare; & then believe me,  
To make to thee like cheer, shall never grieve me.   

21 Against Cosmus covetousness.  
COsmus, when I among thine other vices,  
That are in nature foul, in number many,  
Ask thee what is the reason thee entices,  
To be so basely pinching for thy penny?  
Dost thou not call upon thyself a curse,  
Not to enjoy the wealth that thou hast won:  
But save, as if thy soul were in thy purse?  
Thou strait reply'st, I save all for my son.  
Alas, this re-confirmes what I said rather:  
Cosmus hath ever been a Penny-father.   

22 Against Vintners in bath.  
IF men ought those in duty to commend,  
That questions of Religion seek to end,  
Then I to praise our Vintners do intend.  
For Question is twixt Writer old and latter,  
If wine alone, or if wine mixed with water,  
Should of the blessed Sacrament be matter?  
Some ancient Writers wish it should be mingled,  
But latter men, with much more zeal in kindled,  
Will have wine quite and clean from water singled.  
Our zealous Vintners here, grown great Divines,  
To find which way antiquity inclines,  
For pure zeal mix with water all our wines.  
Well, plainly to tell truth, and not to flatter,  
I find our wines are much the worse for water.   

23 To Bassifie, his wives mother, when she was angry.  
MAdam, I read to you a little since,  
The story of a Knight that had incurred  
The deep displeasure of a mighty Prince:  
For fear of which, long time he never stirred,  
Till watching once the King that came from Chapel,  
His little son fast by him, with his Guerdon,  
Enticed the Infant to him with an apple;  
So caught him in his arms, and sued for pardon:  
Then you shall turn your angry frown from laughter,  
As oft as in mine arms you see your daughter.   

24 To his wife, of Poppea Sabynas' fair heir.  
MAll once I did, but do not now envy  
Fierce Nero's bliss, of fair Poppea's rays,  
●hat in his lap, koming her locks would lie,  
●ech hair of hers, a verse of his did praise,  
●ut that praised beauty, fruitless spent her days.  
●o young Augustus ever called him Dad.  
●o small Poppea's with their pretty plays,  
●id melt their hearts, and melting make them glad:  
●ut thou in this, dost pass his fair Sabyna,  
●hat haste seven times been succoured by Lucina.  
●hy womb in branches seven, itself displays.  
Then leave I Nero, with Poppea's heirs:  
To joy, and to enjoy thee, and thine heirs.   

25 Against Lalus an ill Preacher.  
Young Lalus took a Text of excellent matter,  
And did the same expound, but m●rre the latter,  
●is tongue so vainly did and idly chatter,  
●he people nought but hem, & cough and spatter.  
Then said a Knight not used to lie or flatter:  
Such Ministers do bring the devils blessing.  
That mar us so good meat, with so ill dressing.   

26 Against Paulus an Atheist.  
LEwd Lalus, led by Sadduces infection,  
Doth not believe the body's resurrection:  
And holds them all in scorn, and deep derision,  
That tell of Saints or Angel's apparition;  
And swears, such things are fables all, and fancies  
Of Lunatics or Fools, possessed with franzies.  
I have (said he) travailed both near and far,  
By sea, by land, in time of peace and war.  
Yet never met I spirit, or ghost, or elf,  
Or aught (as is the phrase) worse than myself.  
Well, Paulus, this, I now believe indeed,  
For who in all, or part, denies his Creed;  
Went he to sea, land, hell, I would agree,  
A Fiend worse than himself, shall never see.   

27 To Galla going to the bath.  
WHen Galla for her health goeth to the bath,  
She carefully doth hide, as is most meet,  
With aprons of fine linen, or a sheet,  
Those parts, that modesty concealed hath:  
Nor only those, but e'en the breast and neck,  
That might be seen, or shown, without all check●  
But yet one foul, and unbeseeming place,  
She leaves uncovered still: What's that? Her fac●   

28 To one that had meat ill dressed.  
KIng Mithridate to poisons so enured him,  
As deadly poisons, damage none procured him.  
So you to stolen unsavoury food and dirty,  
Are so enured, as famine ne'er can hurt ye.   

29 Of giving much credit.  
OF all the Town old Codros gives most credit:  
Who he, poor soul! Alas that ere you said it.  
How can he credit much, and is so poor?  
he's blind: yet makes he love to every whore.   

30 Of honest Theft. To my good friend Master Samuel Daniel.  
PRoud Paulus late my secrecies revealing,  
Hath told I got some good conceits by stealing.  
But where got he those double Pistolets,  
With which good clothes, good fare, good land he gets▪  
Tush, those, he saith, came by a man of war.  
That brought a Prize of price, from countries far.  
Then, fellow Thief, let's shake together hands,  
●ith both our wares are filched from foreign lands.  
You'll spoil the Spaniards, by your writ of Mart:  
And I the Romans rob, by wit, and Art.   

31 Against Faustus.  
IN scorn of writers, Faustus still doth hold,  
Nought is now said, but hath been said of old:  
Well, Faustus, say my wits are gross and dull,  
If for that word, I give not thee a Gull:  
Thus than I prove that holds a false position,  
I say, thou art a man of fair condition,  
A man true of thy word, tall of thy hands,  
Of high disent, and left good store of lands,  
Thou with false dice and cards hast never played,  
Corrupted never Widow, Wife, nor Maid,  
And as for swearing none in all this Ream,  
Doth seldomer in speech curse or blaspheme.  
In fine, your virtues are so rare and ample,  
For all our sons thou mayst be made a sample.  
This I dare swear, none ever said before,  
This I may swear, none ever will say more.   

32 Of Free will.  
I Know a foolish fellow hath a fashion,  
To prove that all is by Predestination,  
And teach's, nor man, nor spirit hath free will  
In doing, no, nor thinking good or ill.  
I am no Doctor at this disputation,  
Nor are deep questions fit for shallow skill:  
Yet I'll renounce, with learned men reputation,  
If I disprove not this by demonstration:  
He prove so plain, as none can it resist,  
That in some things, three things do what they list:  
The wind, saith Scripture, where it list doth blow,  
His tongue talks what it lists, his speeches show,  
My heart believes him as it list, I know.   

33 Of a drunken Paracelsian.  
WHen Pilo other trades of thrift had missed,  
He then professed to be an Alchemist,  
That's all too much, Chemist you might him call,  
And so I think 'twere true, and leave out all:  
He takes upon him, he can make a mixture,  
Of which he can extract the true elixir,  
Tincture of Pearl and Coral he doth draw,  
And Quintessence the best that ere you saw,  
He hath the cure, except Aqua Mirabilis,  
Only he wants drams Auri potabilis,  
He doth of nature so the secret ferret,  
That he of every thing can draw the spirit:  
Spirits of mines, spirits of stones and herbs,  
Whose names can scant be told with nouns and verbs,  
But of all spirits my spirit doth divine,  
His spirit best doth love the spirit of wine.   

34 Of Misacmos his success in a suit.  
MIsacmos hath long time a suitor been,  
To serve in some near place about the Queen  
●n which his friends to work his better speed,  
Do tell her Highness, as 'tis true indeed,  
That he's a man well borne and better bred,  
In human studies seen, in stories read,  
Adding unto an industry not small,  
Pleasant conceit and memory withal.  
And chiefly that he hath been from his youth,  
A zealous searcher of Eternal Truth:  
Now never wonder, he his suit doth miss:  
What I have told you, that the reason is.   

35 A Groom of the Chambers religion in King Henry the eights time.  
ONe of King Henry's Favourites began,  
To move the King one day to take a man,  
Whom of his Chamber he might make a Groom,  
Soft, said the King, before I grant that room,  
It is a question not to be neglected,  
How he in his Religion stands affected.  
For his Religion, answered then the Minion,  
I do not certain know what's his opinion:  
But sure he may, talking with men of learning,  
Conform himself in less than ten days warning.   

36 To Doctor Harvey of Cambridge.  
THe proverb says, Who fights with dirty foes▪  
Must needs be foiled, admit they win or lose.  
Then think it doth a Doctor's credit dash,  
To make himself Antagonist to Nash?   

37 An infallible rule to rule a wife. To his wives mother.  
COncerning th' wives hold this a certain rule,  
That if at first, you let them have the rule,  
Yourself at last, with them shall have no rule,  
Except you let them evermore to rule. Probatum est.   

38 Why Paulus takes so much Tobacco.  
WHen our good Irish neighbours make repair,  
With Lenton stuff unto Bridgewaters' Fair,  
At every Boothe, and Alehouse that they come,  
They call for Herring strait, they must have some.  
Hostis, I prithee hast ●ee any Herring?  
Yea, sir: O passing mea●! a happy Her●ing.  
Herring they ask, they praise, they eat, they buy;  
No price of Herring can be held too high.  
But, when among them i● is closely mu●ter'd,  
Those Herrings that they bought, to sell are ●tter'd.  
Then give them Herring, Poh, away with these:  
Pray dye good Host, give's some English Cheese.  
Hence I have learned the cause, and see it clearly,  
Why Paulus takes Tobacco, buys it ●earely,  
At Tippling-houses, where he eats and drinks,  
That every room strait of Tobacco stinks,  
He swears 'tis salve for all diseases bred,  
It strengthens ones weak back, comforts the head,  
Dulls much flesh-appetite, 'tis cordial durable,  
It cures that ill, which some have thought incurable▪  
Thus while proud Paulus hath Tobacco praised,  
The price of every pound, a pound is raised.  
And why's all this? because he loves it well?  
No: but because himself hath store to sell.  
But having sold all his; he will pronounce  
The best in Cane not worth a groat an ounce.   

39 Of a formal Minister.  
A Minister, affecting singularity,  
And preaching in the Pulpit of his theme,  
Borne with the current of the common stream,  
Extolling faith and hope, forgetting charity.  
For while he was most busy in his Text,  
He spied a woman talking with her next,  
And strait ●e crid to her, Dame, leave thy babbling  
Wherewith the good poor woman shrewdly vexed,  
Could hold no longer, but fell flat to squabbling:  
Beshrew thy naked heart, she doth reply.  
Who babbled in this place more? thou, or I?   

40 Of a lawful wife.  
AT end of three years law, and suit, and strife,  
when Canon laws, & common both command he●  
Cys married thee; now sue them for a slander,  
That dare deny she is thy lawful wife.   

41 Against Feasting.  
LAst day, I was unto your house invited,  
And on the ●ord were forty divers dishes,  
Of Salads, and of flesh & fowls and fishes,  
With which (God knows) I little am delighted.  
Became, I came, I took that you did bid me,  
But now, I rather think, you did forbid me.   

42 Against Linus, that said the Nobility were decayed.  
YOu Linus, say, that most of our Nobility  
Are much decayed in valour and in wit:  
Though some of them have wealth, and good ability,  
Yet very few for government are fit.  
●oole, seest thou not, that in our stately buildings,  
●laine massy stones the substance doth sustain,  
●et colloms wreathed & stayed, set out with guildings,  
Must in high rank for ornament remain:  
So men of noble birth, the State adorn,  
But by the wise, stout, learned, the sway is borne.   

43 To Itis, alias joiner, an uncleanly token, conveyed in cleanly terms.  
TOrquato Tasso, for one little fault,  
That did perhaps deserve some small rebuke,  
Was by his sharp and most ungrateful Duke,  
Shut up close prisoner in a loathsome vault;  
Where wanting Pen and Ink by Prince's order,  
His wit, that walls of Adamant could pierce,  
Found means to write his mind in excellent verse:  
For want of Pen and Ink, with piss and ordure.  
But thy dull wit damned by Apollo's crew,  
To dungeon of disgrace, though free thy body,  
With pen, nay Print, doth publish like a noddy.  
Base taunts, that turned upon thyself, are true,  
And wanting salt thy wallowish style to season,  
And being of uncouth terms a senseless coiner,  
Thou call'st thyself unproperly, a joiner,  
Whose verse hath quite dissevered rhyme and reason:  
Deserving for such railing, and such bodging,  
For this, Torquatos Ink, for that, his Lodging.   

44 To his wife.  
WHen I to thee my Letters superscribe  
Thus, To mine own; Leda thereat doth iybe.  
And ask her why? she saith, because I flatter.  
But let her think so still, it makes no matter:  
If I do flatter, only thou canst try,  
Sufficeth me, thou think'st I do not lie.  
For, let her husband write so, for my life,  
He flattereth himself more than his wife.   

45 Sir john Raynsfords' confession.  
RAynsford, a Knight, fit to have served king Arthu●,  
And in Queen Mary's days a demi Martyr:  
For though both then, before, and since he turned,  
(Yet sure, per ig●●●● hanc, he might be burned.)  
This Knight agreed with those of that profession,  
And went, as others did, to make confession:  
Among some P●ccadilios, he confessed,  
That same sweet sin, that some but deem a jest,  
And told, how by good help of bawds and varlets,  
Within 10. months he had six times twelve harlots▪  
The Priest, that at the tale was half astonished,  
With grave & ghostly counsel him admonished  
To fast, and pray, to drive away that devil,  
That was to him causer of so great evil,  
That the lewd spirit of Lechery, no question,  
Stirred up his lust, with many a lewd suggestion:  
A filthy Fiend, said he, most foul and odious,  
Named, as appears, in holy writs, Asmodius.  
Thus, with some Pennanto that was ne'er performed,  
Away went that same Knight, smally reform.  
Soon after this, ensued religions change,  
That in the Church bred alteration strange,  
And Raynsford, with the rest, followed the stream.  
The Priest went roving round about the Realm.  
This Priest, in clothes disguised himself did hide,  
●et Raynsford, three years after him had spied,  
And laid unto his charge, and sorely priest him,  
To tell if'twere not he that had confessed him.  
The Priest, though this Knights words did sore him daunt,  
Yet what he could not well deny, did grant,  
And prayed him not to punish, or controul●  
That he had done for safety of his soul.  
No, knave, quoth he, I will no harm procure thee,  
Upon my Worship here I do assure thee:  
I only needs must laugh at thy great folly,  
That wouldst persuade with me to be so holy;  
To chastise mine own flesh, to fast, and pray,  
To drive the spirit of Lechery away.  
'Sownds, foolish knave, I fasted not, nor prayed,  
Yet is that spirit quite gone from me, he said:  
If thou couldst help me to that spirit again,  
Thou shouldst a hundred pound have for thy pain.  
That lusty Lord of Lechery Asmodius,  
That thou callest odious, I do count commodious▪   

46 A pretty question of Lazarus soul well answered.  
ONce on occasion two good friends of mine  
Did meet at meat, a Lawyer and Divine:  
Both having eaten well to help digestion,  
To this Divine, the Lawyer put this question:  
When Lazarus in grave four days did stay,  
Where was his soul? in heaven, or hell I pray?  
Was it in hell? Thence no redemption is.  
And if in heaven: would Christ abate his bliss?  
Sir, said the Preacher, for a short digression,  
First, answer me one point, in your profession:  
If so his heirs and he had fallen to strife,  
Whose was the land, if he came back from life?  
This latter question moved them all to laughter,  
And so they drunk one to another after.   

47 Against long suits in Law.  
IN Court of Wards, 
 King's Bench, & Common place  
Thou followed hast one suit, this seven years space.  
Ah wretched man, in mother's womb accursed,  
Thou couldst not rather lose thy suit at furst.   

48 Of an importunate prater, out of martial.  
HE that is hoarse, 
 yet still to prate doth please,  
Proves he can neither speak, nor hold his peace.   

49 Against jealousy. To my friend.  
RIght terrible are winds on waters great, 
  
Most horrible are tempests on the sea,  
Fire merciless, that all consumes with heat,  
Plagues monstrous are, that cities clean decay:  
War cruel is, and pinching famine cursed:  
Yet of all ills, the jealous wife is worst.   

50 Against Quintus, that being poor and prodigal, became rich and miserable.  
SCant was thy Living, Quintus, ten pound clear,  
When thou didst keep such fare, so good a table,  
That we thy friends prayed God thou mightst be able,  
To spend, at least, an hundred pounds a year.  
Behold, our boon God did benignly hear.  
Thou go●st so much by Fortune favourable,  
And four friends deaths to thee both kind and dear:  
But suddenly thou grew'st so miserable,  
We thy old friends to thee unwelcome are,  
Poor-john, and Apple-pyes are all our fare.  
No Salmon, S●urgeon, Oysters, Crab, nor Cunger.  
What should we wish thee now for such demerit?  
I would thou mightst one thousand pounds inherit,  
Then, without question, thou wouldst starve for hunger.   

51 To my Lady Rogers.  
GOod Madam, with kind speech & promise fair,  
That from my wife you would not give a rag,  
But she should be Exector sole, and heir.  
I was (the more fool I) so proud and brag,  
I sent to you against S. james his Fair,  
A Teerce of Claret-wine, a great fat Stag.  
You strait to all your neighbours made a feast,  
Each man I met hath filled up his paunch,  
With my Red-deer, only I was no guest,  
Nor ever since did ●aste of side or ●aunch.  
Well, Madam, you may bid me hope the best,  
That of your promise you be sound and staunch,  
Else, I might doubt I should your Land inherit,  
That of my Stag did not one morsel merit.   

52 Of Sextus' mishap coming from a Tavern.  
NOw Sextus twice hath supped at Saracens head,  
And both times, homewards, coming drunk to bed:  
●e by the way his Pantofles hath lost,  
●nd grieved both with the mock, and with the cost,  
To save such charges, and to shun such frumps,  
He goes now to the Tavern in his Pumps.   

53 How Sextus laid claim to an Epigram.  
WHen Sextus heard my Rhyme of Rainsford reeding,  
With laughter loud he cries, and voice exceeding,  
●hat Epigram was mine, who ever made it.  
● told him that conceit, from me, he had it.  
●h barbarism, the blinder still the bolder!  
Will Sextus ne'er grow wise? growing older,  
When Phidias framed had in marble pure,  
●oues goodly Statue, would a man endure  
● Pyoner to challenge half the praise,  
That from the quar● the ragged stone did raise:  
Or should a Carman boast of his desert,  
Because he did unload it from his Cart:  
● think that Sextus self would never say 't,  
●o in like manner, Sextus, that conceit  
Was like a rugged stone, digged from thy foolish head,  
Now 'tis a Statue carved by us, and polished.   

54 Of an Aborne Rabbit.  
LAte coming from the Palace of the best,  
(The centre of the men of better sense)  
My purse grown low, by ebb of long expense:  
And going for supplies into the West,  
My host to whom I was a welcome guest,  
Makes me great cheer, but when I parted thence,  
My trusty servant William took offence:  
(Though now God wot, it was too late to spare)  
That in the shot things too high prized are.  
And namely for two Rabbits twenty pence.  
The Tapster well enured to prate and face,  
Told they were white, and young, and fat, and sweet:  
New killed, and newly come from Alborne chase:  
For that good fare, good payment is most meet.  
I willing to make short their long debate,  
Bade my man pay the reckoning at his rate:  
Adding, I know, a miser of his money,  
Gives more than ten pence for an Alborne Coney.   

55 Of hearing Mass.  
MEn talking, as oft times it comes to pass,  
How dangerous 'tis now to hear a Mass;  
A valiant Knight swore for a thousand pound,  
He would not present at a Mass be found.  
A Noble Lord stood by, and hearing it▪  
Said, Sir, I then should much condemn your wit.  
For were you found, and followed ne'er so nearly,  
You gain nine hundred pound & upward clearly.   

56 Of a Preacher that sings Placebo.  
A Smooth-tongued Preacher that did much affect  
To be reputed of the purest sect.  
Unto these times great praises did afford,  
That brought, he said, the sunshine of the Word.  
The sunshine of the Word, this he extolled,  
The sunshine of the Word, this still he told.  
But I that well observed what slender fruits  
Have grown of all their preaching and disputes,  
Pray God they bring us not, when all is done,  
Out of God's blessing, into this warm sun.  
For sure, as some of them have used the matter,  
Their sunshine is but moonshine in the water.   

57 Of the naked Image that was to stand in my Lo: Chamberlains Gallery.  
ACtaeon, guiltless unawares espying  
Naked Diana, bathing in her bower,  
Was plagued with horns, his dogs did him devour.  
Wherefore take heed, ye that are curious prying,  
With some such forked plague you be not smitten,  
And in your foreheads your faults be written.   

58 Of the same to the Ladies.  
HEr face unmasked, I saw, her corpse unclad,  
No vail, no cover, her and me between:  
No ornament was hid, that beauty had,  
I blushed that saw, she blushed not th●t was seen.  
With that I vowed never to care a rush,  
For such a beauty, as doth never blush.   

59 Of Don Pedroe's threats.  
Done Pedro thinks I scorn him in my Rhyme,  
And vows, if he can prove I use detraction,  
Of the great scandal he will have his action:  
I that desired to clear me of the crime,  
When I was asked, said, No, my Lord, I have not.  
Then swear, said he, Not so, my Lord, I cannot.  
Since that I never heard news of this action:  
Wherefore, I think, he hath his satisfaction.   

60 Against bravery.  
WHen Roman Mutius had in country quarrel,  
The servant killed, to the Master's terror:  
What time his eye deceived with rich apparel,  
Did cause his hand commit that happy error:  
The King amazed at so rare resolution,  
Both for his safety, and his reputation:  
Removed the fire, and stayed that execution:  
And for his sake, made peace with all his Nation.  
Perhaps it is from hence the custom springs,  
That oft in Court Kn●ues go as well as Kings.   

61 Of Leda's unkindness.  
Fair Leda late to me is grown malicious,  
At all my works in prose or ●erse repining:  
because my words, she saith▪ makes men suspicious,  
●hat she is to the Puritans inclining.  
Leda, what ere I said, I did suspect,  
Thou wert not pure enough, in one respect.   

62 Of an Abbot that had been a good f●llow.  
AN Abbot that had led a wanton life,  
And cited now, by deaths sharp Sumner, sickness,  
●elt in his soul, great agony and strife,  
His sins appearing in most hideous likeness.  
The Monks that saw their Abbot so dismayed,  
●nd knew no less his life had been lascivious:  
●et for his final comfort, thu● they said,  
●hinke not, dear Sir, we will be so oblivious,  
●ut that with fasting, and with sacred ringing,  
●nd prayer, we will for yo● such grace attain,  
●hat after requie●● and some Di●ges singing,  
●ou shall be freed from Purgatories pain.  
Ah, thanks my sons, said he, but all my fear  
Is only this, that I shall never come there.   

63 Against Cinna a Brownist, that saith he is sure to be saved.  
IF thou remain so sure of thine election,  
As thou saidst, Cinna, when we last disputed,  
That to thy soul, no sin can be imputed:  
That thy strong Faith, hath got so sure protection:  
That all thy faults are free from all correction.  
Hear then my counsel, to thy state well suited,  
It comes from one, that bears thee kind affection▪  
'Tis so infallible, that no objection  
There is, by which it may be well confuted.  
Leave, Cinna, this base earth with sin polluted.  
And to be free from wicked men's subjection,  
And that the Saints may be by thee saluted,  
Forsake wife, friends, lands, goods & worldly pelf▪  
And get a halter quickly, and go hang thyself.   

64 To Master Bastard, a Minister that made a pleasant Book of English Epigrams.  
THough dusty wits of this ungrateful time,  
carp at thy book of Epigrams, and scoff it:  
Yet wise men know, to mix the sweet with profit.  
Is worthy praise, not only void of crime.  
Then let not envy stop thy vein of Rhyme:  
Nor let thy function make thee shamed of it:  
A Poet is one step unto a Prophet:  
And such a step, as 'tis no shame to climb.  
You must in Pulpit treat of matters serious:  
As best beseemed the person, and the place,  
There preach of Faith, Repentance, hope and grace,  
Of Sacraments, and such high things mysterious.  
But they are too severe, and too imperious,  
That unto honest sports will grant no space:  
For these our minds refresh, when those weary us,  
And spur out doubled spirit to swifter pace.  
The wholesom'st meats that are, will breed satiety,  
Except we should admit of some variety.  
●n music notes must be some high, some base.  
And this I note, your Verses have intendment,  
Still kept within the lists of good sobriety,  
To work in men's ill manners, good amendment.  
Wherefore if any think such verse unseasonable:  
Their Stoic minds are foes to good society,  
And men of reason may think them unreasonable.  
●t is an act of virtue and of piety,  
To warn v● of our sins in any sort,  
In prose, in verse, in earnest, or in sport.   

65 Of a kind unkind Husband.  
A Rich old Lord did wed a rich young Lady.  
Of good complexion, and of goodly stature,  
And for he was of kind and noble nature,  
He loved to see her go as brave as may be.  
A pleasant Knight one day was so presumptuous,  
To tell this Lord in way of plain simplicity,  
'Tis you, my Lord, that have this world's felicity:  
To have a Dame so young, so sweet, so sumptuous.  
Tush, said the Lord, but these same costly Gowns,  
With Kirtle●▪ C●rknets, plague me in such sort,  
That every time I ●aste of Venus' spor●,  
I will be sworn, cost me one hundred Crowns.  
Now, fie Sir, said his wife, where is your sense;  
Though 'tis too true, yet say not so for shame,  
For I would wish to clear me of the blame:  
That each time cost you but a hundred pence.   

66 Of Galla's goodly Petiwigge.  
YOu see the goodly hair that Galla wears,  
'Tis certain her own hair, who would have 〈◊〉  
She swears it is her own: and true she swears:  
For hard by Temple-bar last day she bought it.  
So fair a hair, upon so foul a forehead,  
Augments disgrace, and shows the grace is borrowed   

67 Of Master john Davies Book of Dancing. To himself.  
WHile you the Planets all do set to dancing,  
Beware such hap, as to the Friar was chancing▪  
Who preaching in a Pulpit old and rotten,  
Among some notes, most fit to be forgotten;  
Unto his Auditory thus he vaunts,  
To make all Saints after his pipe to dance:  
It speaking, which as he himself advances,  
To act his speech with gestures, lo, it chances,  
Down falls the Pulpit, sore the man is bruised,  
Never was Friar, and Pulpit more abused.  
Then bear with me, though yet to you a stranger,  
To warn you of the like, nay greater danger.  
For though none fear the falling of those sparks,  
●And when they fall, 'twill be good catching Larks)  
Yet this may fall, that while you dance and skip  
With Female Planets, sore your foot may trip,  
That in your lofty Caprioll and turn,  
Their motion may make your dimension burn.   

68 To Paulus.  
TO love you, Paulus, I was well inclined:  
But ever since you honour did require,  
I honoured you, because 'twas your desire:  
But now to love you, I do never mind.   

69 Of Tabletalk.  
I Had this day caroused the thirteen cup,  
And was both slipper-tonged, and idle-brained,  
●nd said by chance, that you with me should sup.  
You thought hereby, a supper clearly gained:  
●nd in your Tables you did quote it up.  
●n civil guest, that hath been so ill trained!  
Worthy thou art hence supperless to walk,  
That tak'st advantage of our Tabletalk.   

70 Of the commodities that men have by their Marriage.  
A Fine young Clerk, of kin to Friar Frappert,  
Prompt of his tongue, of person neat and dappert▪  
Not deeply read, yet were he put unto it,  
One that could say his service, and would do it.  
His marks & hair, showed him of excellent carriage  
This man one day happened to talk of marriage,  
And proved not only, that 'tis honourable,  
But that the joys thereof are admirable.  
He told the tale to me, and other friends,  
And strait I learned it at my finger's ends.  
Which joys that you may better understand,  

 I'll place on each finger of my hand.  
Four joys, he said, on married Priests he casts,  
A wife, and friends, and coin, and children last.  
And first the wife, see how at bed, at board,  
What comfort, and what joys, she doth afford.  
Then for her friends, what joy can be more dear,  
Then loving friends, dwell they far off or near.  
A third joy than it is, to have the portion,  
Well got, and void of strife, fraud or extortion.  
And fourthly, those sweet Babes, that call on Dad,  
Oh, how they joy the soul, and make it glad!  
But now, Sir, there remains one observation,  
That well deserves your due consideration.  
Mark then again, I say, for so 'twere meet,  
Which of these joys are firm, and which do fleet  
First, for the wife, sure no man can deny it,  
That for most part, she sticks most surely by it.  
But for thy friends, when they should most avail you,  
By death, or fortunes change, oft times they fail you.  
Then for the portion, without more forecast,  
Whiles charge increaseth, money fails as fast.  
And last the children, most of them outlive you,  
But ill brought up, they often live to grieve you.  
Now mark upon the fingers, 
 who remain,  
The Children and the Wife, only these twain.   

71 To Marcus that would borrow.  
YOu sent to me, Marcus, for twenty mark:  
But to that suit, I would by no means hark:  
But strait next day, you sent your man in post,  
To tell me how a Lord with you would host.  
And I must lend, to entertain this State,  
Some Basins, Ewres, and some such other plate.  
Are you a Fool? Or think you me a fool,  
That I should now be set again to school?  
Were not my wisdom, worthy to be wondered,  
Denying twenty marks, to lend one hundred?   

72 To his wife after they had been married four year.  
TWo Prenticeships with thee I now have been,  
Mad times, sad times, glad times, our life hath seen,  
Souls we have wrought 4. pair since our first meeting  
Of which, 2. souls, sweet souls, were to be fleeting,  
My workmanship so well doth please thee still,  
Thou wouldst not grant me freedom by thy will:  
And I'll confess such usage I have found,  
Mine heart yet ne'er desired to be unbound.  
But though myself am thus thy Apprentice vowed,  
My dearest Mall, yet thereof be not proud,  
Nor claim no Rule thereby; there's no such cause:  
For Plowden, who was father of the Laws  
Which yet are read and ruled by his inditings,  
Doth name himself a Apprentice in his writings,  
And I, if you should challenge undue place,  
Could learn of him to alter so the case:  
I plain would prove, I still kept due priority,  
And that good wives are still in their minority:  
But far from thee, my dear, be such Audacity:  
I doubt more thou dost blame my dull Capacity,  
That though I travail true in my vocation,  
I grow yet worse and worse at th'occupation.   

73 Of a Bequest without a Legacy.  
IN hope some Lease or Legacy to gain,  
You gave old Titus yearly ten pound pension.  
Now he is dead, I hear thou dost complain,  
That in his will of thee he made no mention.  
Cease this complaint that shows thy base intention.  
He left thee more, than some he loved more dearly,  
For he hath left thee ten pound pension yearly.   

74 Of one that lent money on sure band.  
WHen Linus little store of coin is spent,  
And no supply of office or of Rent,  
He comes to Titus known a wary spender,  
A pleasant wit, but no great money-lender,  
And priest him very hard for twenty pound,  
For which small kindness he were greatly bound,  
And lest (quoth he) you deem it might presumption,  
If I should offer you my bare assumption,  
I swear All-hallows, I will make repayment,  
Yea though I pawn mine Armour and my Raiment,  
And for your more assurance, you shall have  
What Obligation you yourself will crave,  
Or Bill or Bond your payment to perform,  
recognisance, Statute or any form.  
Now Titus by report so well did know him,  
That he might scant trust him so far as throw him,  
And said he should have so much at his hands,  
Forthwith if he might point the form and bands.  
Agreed, quoth Linus strait, and doth him thank.  
But Titus brings a form of four Inch-Plancke,  
Two of the Guard might scantly well it lift,  
And ere that Linus well perceived the drift,  
●ast to that form he binds him hands and feet:  
Then brought the money forth and let him see't,  
And swore till, he his fashions did reform,  
None other bands could serve nor other form.   

75 Of light Merchandise.  
IN Rome a Crier had a Wench to sell,  
Such as in common Stews are wont to dwell,  
Her name, nor his, I shall not need to tell.  
But having held her long at little price,  
And thinking that some chapman to entice,  
He clipped her in his arms as nothing nice,  
And so he kissed her more than once or twice.  
What might he gain, think you, by this device?  
One that before had offered fifty shilling,  
To give one fifth part, seemed now unwilling.   

76 Of father Peleus' stable.  
OLd Peleus burned a Stable to the ground,  
Which now to build doth cost three hundred pound  
That's but one Gennets price with him, no force,  
A Stable? No: He did but lose a horse.   

77 Of a censurer of English writers.  
THat Englishmen have small, or no invention,  
Old Guillam saith, and all our works are barren  
But for the stuff, we get from Authors foreign.  
Why, Guillam, that same gold thou tak'st in pension,  
Which makes thee love our Realm more than your ow●  
And follow still our English Court, and camp.  
Now that it hath our dearest Sovereign's stamp,  
Is English coin, though once 'twere Indian growney  
Except not then against English wits, I pray,  
You that accept so well of English pay.   

78 Of Titus boasting.  
A Kind companion Titus all his days,  
And till his last, a pleasant wit and tongue;  
●f he had heard a man his own strength praise,  
Would tell what he would do when he was young.  
And having, with oaths, his speeches bound:  
Thus would he speak: I would at twelve score pricks,  
Have shot all day an arrow of a pound,  
Have shot the flight full forty score and six,  
● would have over-lifted all the Guard,  
Out-throwne them at the bar, the sledge, the stone,  
And he that is in wrestling held most hard,  
● would in open plain have overthrown.  
Now, say some by, Was Titus e'er so strong?  
Who he? the weakest man a hundred among.  
Why tells he then such lies in serious sort,  
What he could do? Nay, sure 'twas true, though sport.  
He said not he could do. That were a fable.  
He said, He would have done, had he been able.   

79 To Doctor Sherhood, how Sack makes one lean.  
● Marvelled much last day, what you did mean,  
To say that drinking Sack, will make one lean:  
But now I see, and then mistook you clean:  
For my good neighbour Marcus, who I tro,  
Fears fatness much, this drink hath plied him so,  
That now except he lean, he cannot go.  
Ha, gentle Doctor, now I see your meaning,  
Sack will not leave one lean, 'twill leave him leaning.   

80 Of swearing first between the wife and the Husband.  
CIs, by that Candle, in my sleep, I thought,  
One told me of thy body thou wert nought:  
Good husband, he that told you, lied, she said,  
And swearing laid her hand upon the bread.  
Then eat the bread (quoth he) that I may deem  
That fancy false, that true to me did seem.  
Nay Sir, said she, the matter well to handle,  
Sith you swore first, you first must eat the Candle.   

81 To his Wife.  
BEcause I once in verse did hap to call  
Thee by this loving name, my dearest Mall,  
Thou think'st thyself assured by the same,  
In future ages, I have given thee fame.  
But if thou merit not such name in verity.  
I mean not so to misinform posterity.  
For I can thus interpret if I will,  
My dearest Mall, that is, my costliest ill.   

82 To a prattling Epicure.  
●F thou love dainty fare at others tables,  
Thou must their humour and their hours endure:  
Leave arg'ments, contouling thwarts and brabbles.  
Such freedom suits not with an Epicure.   

83 Of Don Pedro  
THe wise Ulysses loathing foreign jars,  
Feigned himself mad, to keep him from the wars:  
But our Don Pedro seeks our Martial schools,  
Prefers before wise cowards Martial fools.  
And fearing feigning mad will not suffice,  
To stay him from the wars, feigns himself wise.   

84 To Master Bastard, taxing him of Flattery.  
IT was a saying used a great while since,  
The subjects ever imitate the Prince,  
A virtuous Master, makes a good Disciple,  
Religious Prelates breed a godly people.  
And evermore the Ruler's inclination,  
Works in the time the works and alteration.  
Then what's the reason, Bastard, why thy Rhymes  
Magnify Magistrates, yet taunt the times?  
I think that he to taunt the time that spares not,  
Would touch the Magistrate, save that he dares not.   

85 Ovid's confession translated into English for General Norreys. 1593.  
TO live in Lust I make not my profession,  
Nor in my Verse, my vices to defend:  
But rather by a true and plain confession,  
To make men know my meaning is to mend.  
I hate, and am myself that most I hate,  
I load myself, yet strive to be discharged,  
Like sterelesse ship unstaid, runs my estate,  
Bound by myself, I sue to be enlarged.  
No certain shape, my fancies doth inflame:  
A hundred causes kindle my affection,  
If sober look do show a modest shame,  
Strait to those eyes my soul is in subjection.  
A wanton look, no less my heart doth pierce,  
Because it shows a pleasant inclination.  
If she be coy like Sabines sharp and fierce,  
I think such coyness, deep dissimulation.  
If she be learned, I honour gifts so rare,  
If ignorant, I love a mild simplicity.  
If she do praise my writings, and compare  
Them with the best, in her I take felicity.  
If she dispraise my Verses, and their Maker,  
To win her liking, I my love would lend her.  
Goes she well graced? Her gate would make me take her▪  
If ill, perhaps to touch a man, would mend her.  
Is she well tuned in voice, a cunning singer?  
To snatch a kiss, e'en thus I feel a will.  
calys she on Lute with sweet and learned finger?  
What heart can hate a hand so full of skill?  
But if she know with heart her arms to move,  
And dance Carantoes with a comely grace,  
T'omit myself that quickly fall in love,  
Hippolytus would have Priapus place,  
Like th'ancient Heroyes I count thee tall,  
Me thinks they fill a brave room in the bed:  
Yet comelier sports are found in statures small,  
Thus long and short have aye my liking bred.  
If she go plain, than what a piece were this?  
Were she attired, if brave, I love her bravery,  
Fair, nutbrown, sallow, none doth look amiss,  
My wanton lust is thralled in so great slavery.  
If hair like jet, her neck like ivory cover,  
Leda's was black, and that was Leda's glory.  
With yellow locks, Aurora pleased her lover.  
Lo thus my fancy suits to every story:  
The Matron grave, the green young girl and pretty,  
● like for age, for manners unsuspicious,  
In fine, ●o all in Country, Court and City,  
My love doth press to prove itself ambitious.   

86. A witty speech of Heywood to the Queen.  
WHen old Queen Mary with much pain & languish,  
Did on death's bed in lingering sickness languish:  
Old pleasant Heywood came her Grace to vis●●e:  
For mirth ●o such doth oft more good than Physic,  
Whom, when the sickly Princess had espied,  
Ah, Heywood! here they kill me up, she cried:  
For, being smothered quite with too much heat,  
Yet my Physicians prove to make me sweat;  
But it doth prove so painful to procure it,  
That first I'll die before I will endure it.  
Heywood, with cheerful face, but cheerless soul,  
Thus her bad resolution did control.  
Sweet Lady, you must sweat, or else, I swear it,  
We shall all sweat for it, if you forbear it.   

87 To my wife, from Chester.  
WHen I from thee, my dear, last day departed,  
Summoned by Honour to this Irish action,  
Thy tender eyes shed tears: but I, hard-hearted,  
took from those tears a joy, and satisfaction.  
Such for her Spouse (thought I) was Lucrece sadness,  
Whom to his ruin Tyrant Tarquin tempted.  
So mourned she, whose husband feigned madness,  
Thereby from Trojan wars to stand exempted.  
Thus than I do rejoice in that thou grievest,  
And yet, sweet fool, I love thee, thou believest.   

88 Against lying Linus.  
I Wonder Linus, what thy tongue doth ail,  
That though I flatter thee, thou still dost rail?  
●hou think'st, I lie, perhaps thou think'st most true:  
●et to so gentle lies, pardon is due.  
● lie, well told to some, tastes ill restority;  
●esides, we Poets lie by good authority.  
But were all lying Poetry, I know it,  
Linus would quickly prove a passing Poet.   

89 Of lending our Pri●y-seales.  
A Friend of mine, to me made much moan  
About some moneys lending in the lone;  
alleging, that to lend, were little grief,  
〈◊〉 of repayment men have firm belief.  
●ut other men's examples make us dread,  
●o speed as some in other times have sped.  
●or if one fail, who then will care for us?  
●ow I, to comfort them, replied thus,  
While God preserves the Prince, ne'er be dismayed,  
But, if she fail, be sure we shall be paid.   

90 In defence of Lent.  
Our belly-gods dispraise the Lenton fast,  
And blame the lingering days, and tedious time,  
●nd swear this abstinence too long doth last.  
●hose folly I refute in this my rhyme,  
●ethusalem, nine hundred years was fed  
●ith nought but herbs, and berries of the field;  
john Baptist thirty years his life had led  
With Locusts and wild Honey woods did yield.  
He that the Israelites from Egypt brought,  
Where they in slavish thraldom long did dwell,  
He home to heaven the fiery Chariot wrought;  
Yea, Christ himself, that saves us all from Hell:  
These three, as holy Scripture doth repeat,  
In forty days did neither drink, nor eat.  
Why then should we against this Law repine,  
That are permitted every kind of Fish?  
Are not forbid the tastes of costly Wine,  
Are not debarred of many a dainty dish:  
Both Sugar, Ginger, Pepper, Cloves, and Mace,  
And Sinnamon, and Spice of every kind,  
And Raisins, Figs, and Almonds in like case,  
To please the taste, and satisfy the mind:  
And yet forsooth, we think we should be marred,  
If we from flesh but forty days be bard.   

91 Mal●m bene positum ne moveas.  
A judge, to one well studied in the Laws,  
That was too earnest in his clients cause,  
Said, Stir't no more; for as the cause doth sink  
Into my sense, it seemeth like a stink.   

92 To King David.  
THou Prince's Prophet, and of Prophet's King,  
Grown from poor Pastorals, and shepherds fold,  
To change the sheephook to a Mace of gold,  
Subduing sword and spear, with staff and sling:  
Thou that didst quell the Bear and dreadful Lion,  
With courage unappald, and active limbs;  
Thou that didst praise in it, enduring Himms  
With Poetry divine the God of Zion;  
Thou son in Law to King & Prince appointed:  
Yet, when that king by wrong did seek thy harm,  
Didst help him with thy Harp, and sacred charm:  
And taught, no not to touch the Lords Anointed.  
Thou, thou great Prince, with so rare gifts replenished  
Couldst not eschew blind Buzzard Cupid's hooks,  
● apt in the bait of Bersabees sweet looks:  
With which one fault, thy faultless life was blemished.  
Yet hence we learn a document most ample,  
Our flesh than strongest is, when weakest our faith.  
And that the sin forgiven, the penance stayeth;  
Of Grace and justice both a sweet example.  
●et no man then himself in sin embolden  
By thee, but thy sharp penance, bitter tears,  
May strike into our hearts such godly fears,  
As we may be thereby from sin withholden.  
Sith we, for ours, no just excuse can bring,  
Thou hadst one great excuse, thou wert a King.   

93 Of Monsters. To my Lady Rogers.  
STrange-headed Monsters, Painters have described▪  
To which the Poets strange parts have ascribed,  
As janus first two faces had assigned him,  
Of which, one looked before, other behind him:  
So men, may it be found in many places,  
That underneath one hood can bear two faces.  
Three-headed Cerberus, Porter of Hell,  
Is feigned with Pluto, God of wealth to dwell.  
So still with greatest States, and men of might,  
Dogs dwell, that do both fawn, and bark, & bite.  
Like Hydra's heads, that multiply with wounds,  
Is multitude, that mutiny confounds:  
On what seu'n-headed beast the Strumpet sits,  
That wears the scarf, sore troubleth many wits,  
Whether seven sins be meant, or else seven hills,  
It is a question fit for higher skills.  
But then of these, if you can rightly construe,  
A headless woman is a greater Monster.   

94 Of a pleasant Broker.  
A Broker that was hired to sell a Farm,  
Whose seat was very sound, fruitful and warms  
Thinking to grace the sales man with the tale,  
Said thus: Friends, Marius sets this land to sale;  
But think not this for debt or need to sell:  
For as for money he is stored so well,  
He hath at all times ready in his chest,  
And some beside, he hath at interest.  
Then were the chapmen earnestly in hand,  
To question of the Title of the land:  
Why should one sell, say they, that lets to use?  
The Broker driven to seek some new excuse,  
Did study first, and smile, thus replied,  
His Worship's beasts, and sheep, and Hinds there died;  
Since which, he never could the place abide.  
Now though in this the foolish Broker lied,  
Yet the report thereof did so much harm,  
That now, poor Marius cannot sell his Farm.   

95 To the L. Ro.  
TO praise my wife, your daughter (so I gather)  
Your men say, she resembleth most her father.  
And I no less, to praise your son, her brother,  
Affirm that he is too much like his mother.  
I know not if we judge a ●ight, or err:  
But let him be like you, so I like her.   

96 To his wife, in excuse he had called her fool in his writing.  
A Man in show that scorns, in deed envies  
Thy fervent love, and seeks the same to cool.  
Finds fault, that in a Verse I called thee Fool:  
And that it could be kindly ta'en, denies.  
But thou didst kindly take it, than he lies.  
Well, therefore I wish him a wife most wise,  
Noble descended from great De la Poole:  
Learned to set her husband still to school,  
So fair to draw to her all amorous eyes.  
Let flattering tongues protest she doth deserve,  
That great Commanders her should sue to serve:  
Then let him walk and with Actaeon's luck,  
Amid the Herd, say, Welcome, fellow buck.  
Mean while, my Mall, think thou 'tis honourable  
To be my Fool, and I to be thy Babble.   

97 Of the growth of Trees to Sir H. Port.  
AT your rich Orchard, you to me did show,  
How swift the Trees were planted there, did grow  
Namely, an Elm, that in no long abode,  
Did of a twig, grow up to be a load.  
But you would quite condemn your trees of sloth  
Compared to our trees admirable growth.  
Our planters have found out such secret skills,  
With pipe and barrell-staves, and iron Mils;  
That Okes, for which none ten years since were wi●ling  
To give ten groats, are grown worth thirty shilling  
At which I waxed so wood, I said in rage,  
That thirst of Gold, makes this an Iron age.   

98 Against promoting Linus.  
THou, Linus, that lovest still to be promoting,  
Because I sport, about King Henry's marriage:  
Think'st this will prove a matter worth the carriage.  
But let it alone, Linus, it is no booting,  
While Princes live, who speaks, or writes & teaches  
●gainst their faults, may pay for speech, and writing:  
●ut being dead, dead men, they say, leave biting:  
Their eyes are sealed, their arms have little reaches.  
Children they are, and fools that are afeard,  
To pull, and play, with a dead lions beard.   

99 The Story of Marcus life at Primero.  
FOnd Marcus ever at Primero plays,  
Long winter nights, and as long Summer days:  
●nd I heard once, to idle talk attending,  
●he Story of his times, and coins mis-spending.  
●s first, he thought himself half way to heaven,  
〈◊〉 in his hand he had but got a seven.  
●is Fathers death set him so high on slote,  
●ll rests went up upon a seven, and coat.  
●ut while he draws for these grey coats & gowns,  
●he gamesters from his purse drew all his crowns.  
●nd he ne'er ceased to venture all in prime,  
●ll of his age, quite was consumed the prime.  
●hen he more warily, his rest regards,  
And sets with certainties upon the Cards,  
On six and thirty, or on seven and nine,  
If any set his rest, and saith, and mine:  
But ceil with this, he either gains or saves,  
For either Faustus prime is with three knaves,  
Or Marcus never can encounter right,  
Yet drew two Asses, and for further spite,  
Had colour for it with a hopeful draft,  
But not encountered, it availed him nought.  
Well, sith encountering, he so fair doth miss,  
He sets not till he nine and forty is.  
And thinking now his rest would sure be doubled,  
He lost it by the hand, with which sore troubled,  
He joins now all his stock, unto his stake,  
That of his fortune, he full proof may make.  
At last both eldest hand and five and fifty,  
He thinketh now or never (thrive unthrifty.)  
Now for the greatest rest he hath the push:  
But Crassus stopped a Club, and so was flush:  
And thus what with the stop, and with the pack,  
Poor Marcus, and his rest goes still to wrack.  
Now must he seek new spoil to set his rest,  
For here his seeds turn weeds, his rest, unrest.  
His land, his plate he pawns, he sells his leases,  
To patch, to borrow▪ and shift, he never ceases.  
Till at the last, two Catchpoles him encounter,  
And by arrest, they beat him to the Counter.  
Now Marcus may set up, all rests securely:  
For now he's sure to be encountered surely.   

100 lesbia's rule of praise.  
LEsbia, whom some thought a lovely creature,  
Doth sometimes praise some other woman's feature:  
Yet this I do observe, that none she praises,  
Whom worthy fame, by beauty's merits praises▪  
But only of their seemly parts she tells,  
Whom she doth sure believe, herself excels.  
So, Linus praises Churchyard in his censure,  
Not Sidney, Daniel, Constable, nor Spencer.   

101 Another of Tabletalk.  
AMong some Tabletalk of little weight,  
A friend of mine was asked by one great Lady:  
What sons he had? My wife (saith he) hath eight:  
●ow fie, said she, 'tis an ill use as may be.  
〈◊〉 would you men would leave these fond conditions,  
〈◊〉 enure on virtuous wives such wrong suspicions.  
●ush, said her Lord, you give a causeless blame,  
●he Gentleman hath wisely spoke, and well:  
●o reckon all his sons perhaps were shame,  
●is wives sons therefore he doth only tell.  
Behold, how much it stands a man in steed,  
To have a friend answer in time of need.   

102 Of old Haywoods' sons.  
OLd Haywoods' sons did wax so wild & youthful,  
It made their aged father sad and wrathful.  
A friend one day, the elder did admonish  
With threats, as did his courage half astonish,  
How that except he would begin to thrive,  
His Sire of all his goods would him deprive.  
For whom, quoth he? e'en for your younger brother▪  
Nay then, said he, no fear, if't be none other.  
My brother's worse than I, and till he mends,  
I know, my father no such wrong intends,  
Sith both are bad, to show so partial wrath,  
To give his younger unthrift that he hath.   
The end of the Second Book.   

Sir JOHN harrington's Epigrams, the third Book.  

1 Young Haywoods' answer to my Lord of Warwick.  
ONe near of kin to Heywood by his birth,  
And no less near in name, and most in mir●h,  
Was once for his Religion's sake committed,  
Whose case a Noble Peer so lately pitied:  
He sent to know what things with him were scant,  
And offered frankly to supply his want.  
Thanks to that Lord, said he, that will me good,  
For I want all things saving hay and wood.   

2 To the great Ladies of the Court.  
I Have been told, most Noble courtly Dames,  
That ye commend some of my Epigrams:  
●ut yet I hear again, which makes me pensive,  
●ome of them are, to some of you offensive.  
Those that you like, I'll give, and ask no guerdon,  
So that you grant those you mislike, you pardon.  
Both are the fruitless fruits of idle hours,  
These for my pleasure read, and those for yours.   

3 Of a Lady that gives the check.  
IS't for a grace, or is't for some disleeke,  
Where other kiss with lip, you give the cheek?  
Some note that for a pride in your behaviour:  
But I should rather take it for a favour.  
For I to show my kindness, and my love,  
Would leave both lip and cheek, to kiss your Glove.  
Now with the cause, to make you plain acquainted,  
Your gloue's perfumed, your lip & cheek are painted.   

4 Of Balbus a Poet.  
BAlbus of Writers reckoning up a Rabble,  
Thinks their names are by him made honourable:  
And not vouchsafing me to name at all,  
He thinks that he hath grieved me to the gall.  
I galled? Simple fool! nor yet gulled,  
To think I may thee pray for such a dull head.  
Those that are guilty of defect, and blame,  
Do need such testimonials of their fame.  
Learn then, untaught, learn then you envious elves.  
Books are not praised, that do not praise themselves.   

5 To Leda.  
IN Verse, for want of Rhyme, I know not how,  
I called our Baths the pilgrimage of Saints,  
You Leda much the praise do disallow,  
And think this touch your pure Religion taints.  
Good Leda, be not angry, for God knows,  
Though I did write of Saints, I meant of shrew's.   

6 To Sextus, an ill Reader.  
THat Epigram that last you did rehearse,  
Was sharp, and in the making, near and tears,  
But thou dost read so harsh, point so perverse,  
It seemed now neither witty nor verse.  
For shame point better, and pronounce it clearer,  
Or be no Reader, Sextus, be a Hearer.   

7 Of Baths cure upon Marcus.  
THe fame of bath is great, and still endures,  
That oft it worketh admirable cures.  
The barren by their virtue have conceived,  
The weak and sick, have health & strength received:  
And many Cripples that came thither carried,  
Go sound from thence, when they a while have tarried.  
But yet one cure on Marcus lately shown,  
My Muse doth think most worthy to be known;  
For, while he baths with Gascoigne wines & Spanish,  
Thereby old aches from his limbs to banish,  
Hunts after youthful company, enticing  
Them to the sports of bowling, carding, dicing:  
His wantonness breeds want, his want enforces  
Marcus, by one and one sell all his horses.  
Lo, how the bath hath searched his sickness root,  
He can, nay more, he must go thence afoot.   

8 Of a Lady that sought remedy at the bath.  
A Lady that none name, nor blame none hath,  
Came the last year with others to the bath:  
Her person comely was, good was her feature,  
In beauty, grace and speech, a lovely creature.  
Now as the Lady in the water stayed,  
A plain man fell a talking with her maid,  
That leaned upon the rail, and asked the reason,  
Why that fair Lady used the bath, that season?  
Whether 'twere lameness, or defect in hearing,  
Or some more inward evil, not appearing?  
No, said the Maid to him, believe it well,  
That my fair Mistress sound is as a Bell.  
But of her coming, this is true occasion,  
An old Physician moved her by persuasion.  
These Baths have power to strengthen that debility,  
That doth in man or woman breed sterility.  
Tush, said the man, with plain & short discourse,  
Your Mistress might have ta'en a better course.  
Let her to Oxford, to the University,  
Where young Physicians are, and such diversity  
Of toward spirits that in all acts proceed,  
Much fitter than the bath is for the deed.  
No, no, that will not serve, the Maid replied,  
For her, that Physic hath already tried.   

9 To Sir Morris Barkly.  
YOur father gave me once a Dormant warrant:  
But sending at Saint james tide to the keeper,  
My men came back as from a sleeveless Arrant,  
And in a box, I laid my warrant sleeper.  
You Noble Sir, that are his heir apparent,  
Will give henceforth, I hope, a waking Warrant.   

10 Of Faustus the Fault-finder.  
OF all my Verses, Faustus still complains,  
I writ them carelessly: and why forsooth?  
Because, he saith, they go so plain and smooth.  
It shows that I for them ne'er beat my brains.  
ay, that men's errors never love to soothe,  
Said, they that say so, may be thought but noddies.  
For sample mark, said I, your Mistress bodies,  
That sit so square, and smooth down to her rains.  
That, that ●●ne waste, that wealth and wit doth waste.  
Think you her Tailor wrought it up in haste?  
No: ask him, and he'll say he took more pains  
Then with old Ellens double-welted frock,  
That sits like an old felt on a new block.  
Who cannot write, ill judge of Writers veins.  
The work of tailors hands, and Writers wits,  
Was hardest wrought, when as it smoothest sits.   

11 Of an ill Physician for the body, that became a worse Surgeon for the soul.  
A Certain Mountebank, or paltry Leach,  
Finding his Physic furthered not his thrift,  
Thought with himself to find some further drift.  
And though the skill were far above his reach,  
He needs would prove a Priest, and falls to preach.  
But patching Sermons with a sorry shift,  
As needs they must that ere they learn will teach:  
At last, some foes so nearly do him sift,  
And of such words and deeds did him appeach,  
As from his Living quite they did him lift,  
And of the Patron strait they begged the gift:  
And so the Mountebank did overreach.  
Who when he found he was pursued so swift,  
Gave place unto so sharp and fierce a breach:  
Shutting up all with this shrewd muttering speech,  
Well, though, said he, my Living I have lost,  
Yet many a good man's life this loss shall cost.  
A slander by, that would be thought officious,  
Strait, as an heinous matter of complaint,  
Doth with his speech the justices acquaint:  
Alleging, as it seemed, indeed suspicious,  
That to the State his meaning was pernicious.  
The Leech thus touched with so shrewd a Taint,  
Yet in his look nor answer did, nor faint;  
Protesting, that his mind was not malicious.  
But if the course that he must take be vicious,  
He flat affirmed it was cursed constraint:  
●or, of my Living having lost possession,  
● must, said he, turn to my first profession;  
In which, I know too well, for want of skill,  
My Medicines will many a man kill.   

12 Of Sir Philip Sidney.  
●F that be true the latter Proverb says,  
● Laudari à laudatis is most praise;  
●ydney, thy works in Fame's books are enrolled,  
●y Princes pens, that have thy works extolled,  
Whereby thy name shall dure to endless days.  
●ut now, if rules of contrary should hold,  
●hen I, poor I, were drowned in deep dispraise,  
Whose works base Writers have so much debased,  
That Linus dares pronounce them all defaced.   

13 Of impudent Linus.  
NOt any learning, Linus, no, God knows,  
But thy brute boldness made some to suppose,  
That thou mightst have been bred in Brazen-nose.  
A murrain on thy pate, 'twould do thee grace,  
So were thine head so armed in every place,  
A Steel skull, Copper nose, and Brazen face.   

14 Against an unthrifty Linus.  
MAny men marvel Linus doth not thrive,  
That had more trades then any man alive;  
As first, a Broker, than a Pettifogger,  
A traveler, a Gamester, and a Cogger,  
A coiner, a Promoter, and a Bawd,  
A Spy, a Practiser in every fraud:  
And missing thrift by these lewd trades and sinister,  
He takes the best, yet proves the worst, a Minister.   

15 Of Faustus.  
I Find in Faustus such an alteration,  
He gives to Paulus wondrous commendation:  
Is Paulus late to him waxed friendly? No.  
But sure, poor Faustus fain would have it so.   

16 Of a devout Usurer.  
A Merchant, hearing that great Preacher, SMITH,  
Preach against Usury, that art of biting,  
The Sermon done, embraced the man forthwith,  
Unto his board most friendly him inviting.  
A friend of his, hoping some sweet aspersion  
Of grace would move him to some restitution,  
Witted him, in token of his full Conversion,  
Release some debtor, held in Execution.  
Fool, said he, think you I'll leave my trade?  
No: but I think this Preacher learned and painful,  
Because the more from it he doth persuade,  
'Tis like to prove to me more sweet and gainful.  
Was ever jew of Malta, or of Milan,  
Then this most damned jew, more jewish villain?   

17 Of a reformed Brother.  
IN studying Scriptures, hearing Sermons oft,  
Thy mind is grown so pliable and soft,  
That though none can attain to true perfection,  
Thy works come near the words of their direction.  
Thy counsel oft to fast, and ever pray,  
Thou lovest oft to feast, and ever play:  
sackcloth and Cinders they advise to use,  
●ack, Cloves, and Sugar, thou wouldst have to choose:  
●hey wish our works, and life, should shine like light.  
Thy works and all thy life is passing light,  
They bid us follow still the Apostles lore,  
Apostatas thou follow'st evermore.  
They bid refresh the poor with Almsdeeds,  
Thou ravish dost the poor with all misdeeds.  
They promised joys eternal never wasting,  
You merit 'noys infernal everlasting.   

18 Of Sheep turned Wolves.  
WHen hearts obdurate make of sin an habits  
High frowning Nemesis was wont to sen●  
Bears, Lions, Wolves, and Serpents, to this end,  
To spoil the coasts whereso good folk inhabit.  
Now since this age, in habit and in act,  
Excels the sins of every former age,  
No marvel Nemesis in her just rage,  
Doth like, or greater punishment exact.  
And for this cause, a cruel beast is sent,  
Not only that devours and spoils the people,  
But spares not house, nor village, Church nor Steepl●  
And makes poor widows mourn, orphans lamē●  
You muse (perhaps) what beasts they be that keep▪  
Such beastly rule as seld was seen before!  
'tis neither Bear, nor Lion, Bull, nor Boar:  
But Beasts, than all these beasts, more harmful she●●  
Lo then, the mystery from whence the name  
Of Cotsold lions first to England came.   

19 Of Linus, borrowing.  
WHen Linus meets me, after salutations;  
Curtsies, and compliments, and gratulations,  
He presseth me, even to the third denial.  
●o lend him twenty shillings, or a royal:  
But of his purpose, of his curtsy failing,  
He goes behind my back, cursing and railing.  
Fool, thy kind speeches cost not thee a pen●y,  
And more fool I, if they should cost me any.   

20 Of one Master Careless.  
WHere dwells Mr. Careless? jesters have no dwelling.  
Where lies he? in his tongue by most men's telling.  
Where boards he? there where feasts are found by smelling  
Where bites he? all behind, with all men yelling.  
Where bides the man? oh sir, I missed your spelling.  
●ow I will read, yet well I do not wots:  
●ut if that I to him shall point his lot,  
In Shotover, at Dogshead in the pot.  
For in that sign his head oft overjoyed.   

21 Against Momus, in praise of his dog Bungey.  
BEcause a witty Writer of this time,  
Doth make some mention in a pleasant rhyme,  
Of Lepidus and of his famous dog,  
Thou Momus, that dost love to scoff and cog,  
Pratest amongst base companions and giue'st out,  
That unto me herein, is meant aflout.  
Hate makes thee blind, Momus, I dare be sworn,  
He meant to me his love, to thee his scorn,  
Put on thy envious spectacles and see,  
Whom doth he scorn therein, the dog or me:  
The Dog is graced, compared with great Banks,  
Both beasts right famous, for their pretty pranks,  
Although in this, I grant, the dog was worse,  
He only fed my pleasure, not my purse:  
Yet that same Dog, I may say this and boast it,  
He found my purse with gold when I have lost it.  
Now for myself, some fools like thee may judge,  
That at the name of Lepidus I grudge,  
No sure: so far I think it from disgrace,  
I wished it clear to me and to my race:  
Lepus or Lepos, I in both have part,  
That in my name I bear, this in mine heart.  
But, Momus, I persuade myself that no man,  
Will deign thee such a name, English or Roman,  
I'll wage a But of Sack, the best in Bristo,  
Who calls me Lepid, I will call him Tristo.   

22 Of Faustus.  
NOw Faustus saith, long Epigrams are dull.  
Lout, Larks are loathsome when ones paunch is ful●  
Yet whom the short do please, the long not weary,  
I wish them never weary, ever merry.   

23 Of summum bonum.  
WHile I of summum bonum was disputing,  
Propounding some positions, some confuting,  
●ld Sextus says that we were all deluded,  
●nd that not one of us aright concluded.  
knowledge, saith he, is only true felicity,  
straightways a stranger asked me in simplicity,  
● Sextus learned? no quoth I, by this light,  
●hen without light, how judgeth he so right?  
He doth but aim, as poor men value wealth,  
The feeble value strength; the sick man health.   

24 To Mall, to comfort her for the loss of her Children.  
●Hen at the window thou thy doves art feeding,  
Then think I shortly my Dove will be breeding,  
●●ke will love like, and so my liking like thee,  
〈◊〉 I to doves in many things can like thee,  
●oth of you love your lodgings dry and warm,  
●oth of you do your neighbours little harm,  
●oth love to feed upon the firmest grain,  
●oth for your livings take but little pain,  
Both murmur kindly, both are often billing,  
Yet both to Venus' sports will seem unwilling;  
Both do delight to look yourselves in Glasses,  
You both love your own houses as it passes;  
Both fruitful are, but yet the Dove is wiser,  
For, though she have no friend that can advise her,  
She, patiently can take her young ones loss,  
Thou, too impatiently dost bear such cross.   

25 Of the excuse of Simony.  
CLerus, I hear, doth some excuse allege  
Of his, and other fellows sacrilege:  
As namely, that to some, against their wills,  
That men are bound to take the less of ills;  
That they had rather, no man need to doubt,  
Take livings whole, than such as his without:  
And therefore we must lay this heinous crime,  
Not unto them forsooth, but to the time.  
Alas! a fault confessed, were half amended,  
But sin is doubled that is thus defended.  
I know, a right wise man sings and believes,  
Where no Receivers are, there be no thieves.   

26 In commendation of Master Lewkeners sixth description of Venice. Dedicated to Lady Warwick. 1595.  
LO, here's described, though but in little room,  
Fair Venice, like a Spouse in Neptune's arms;  
For freedom, emulous to ancient Rome,  
Famous for counsel much, and much for Arms:  
Whose stories erst written with Tuscan quill,  
Lay to our English wits, as half concealed,  
Till Lewkners' learned travail and his skill,  
In well graced style and phrase hath it revealed.  
Venice, be proud, that thus augments thy fame;  
England, be kind, enriched with such a Book,  
Both give due honour to that noble Dame,  
For whom this task the Writer undertook.   

27 Of one that gave a Benefice.  
A Squire of good account, affirmed he went,  
A learned man a Living to present:  
But yet that Squire, in this did break no square,  
He purposed thereof to keep a share;  
●o set two sons to school, to make them Clarks,  
He doth reserve each year an hundred marks.  
Ah, said the Priest, this card is too too cooling,  
I set your sons; nay, they set me to schooling▪   

28 Of Faustus fishing.  
WIth silver hook Faustus for flesh was fishing,  
But that game biting not unto his wishing,  
He said, he did (being thus shrewdly matched)  
Fish for a Roach, but had a Gudgen catched.  
Faustus, it seems thy luck therein was great,  
For sure the Gudgen is the better meat.  
Now bait again, that game is set so sharp,  
That to that Gudgen, thou mayst catch a carp.   

29 To his friend. Of his Book of Ajax.  
YOu muse to find in me such alteration,  
That I, that maidenly to write was wont,  
Would now set to a Book so desperate front,  
As I might scant defend by incitation.  
My Muse that time did need a strong Purgation,  
Late having ta'en some bruise by lewd reports;  
And when the Physic wrought, you know the fashi●●  
Whereto a man in such a case resorts:  
And so my Muse, with good decorum spent  
On that base titled Book, her excrement.   

30 Of a Seller of Time.  
WHen of your Lordship I a Lease renewed,  
You promised me before we did conclude  
To give me time, namely, twice twelve months' day,  
For such a Fine as I ●greed to pay.  
I bade a hundred pound, 'twas worth no more▪  
Your Lordship set it higher by a score.  
Now, since I have by computation found,  
That two years day cost me this twenty pound.  
Sir, pardon me, to be thus plainly told it,  
Your Lordship gave not two years day, you sold it.   

31 Of the Earl of Essex.  
GReat Essex, now of late incurred hath  
His Mistress indignation and her wrath:  
And that in him she chiefly dissalouth,  
●he sent him North, he bent him to the South:  
Then what shall Essex do? Let him henceforth,  
Bend all his wits, his power and courage North.   

32 Of himself.  
BEcause in this my selfe-contenting vain,  
To write so many Toys I borrow leisure,  
friend's sorrow, fearing I take too much pain,  
●oes envy, swearing, I take too much pleasure.  
I smile at both, and wish, to ease their griefs,  
That each with other would but change reliefs.   

30 To Doctor Sherwood, of bath.  
BEcause among some other idle glances,  
I, of the Baths say sometimes as it chances,  
That this an only place is in this age,  
To which fair Ladies come in pilgrimage,  
You fear such wanton gleekes, and ill report,  
May stop great States that thither would resort.  
No, never fear it, pray but for fair weather:  
Such speech as this, will bring them faster thither.   

31 Of Marcus' courtesy.  
WHen I some little purchase have in hand,  
Strait Marcus kindly offers me his band.  
I tell him, and he takes it in great snuff,  
His is a Falling Band, I wear a Ruff.  
But if you marvel I his help refuse,  
And mean herein some meaner man's to use:  
The cause is this, I mean, within a week,  
That he of me like courtesy will seek.   

32 Of one that had a black head, and a grey Beard.  
THough many search, yet few the cause can find●  
Why thy beard grey, thy head continues black●  
●ome think thy Beard more subject to the wind.  
●ome think that thou dost use that newfound knack,  
Excusable to such as hair do lack:  
● acquaint Gregorian to thy head to bind▪  
●ome think that with a comb of drossy Lead,  
●hy silver locks do turn to colour dark:  
●ome think 'tis but the nature of thy head:  
●ut we think most of these have missed the mark.  
For this think we, that think we think aright,  
Thy beard and years are grave, thy head is light.   

33 Against an old Lecher.  
SInce thy third carriage of the French infection,  
Priapus hath in thee found no erection:  
●et eatest thou Ringoes, and Potato roots,  
●nd Caviar, but it little boots.  
●esides the beds-head a bottle lately found,  
Of liquor that a quart cost twenty pound.  
●or shame, if not more grace, yet show more wit,  
surcease, now sin leaves thee, to follow it.  
Some smile, I sigh, to see thy madness such,  
That that withstands not, stands thee in so much.   

34 To his wives Mother, reproving her unconstancy.  
LAst year while at your house I happed to tarry,  
Of all your goods, you took an Inventory:  
Your Tapestry, your linen, bedding, plate,  
Your sheep, your horse, your cattle you did rate:  
And yet one movable you did forget,  
More movable than this, therein to set.  
Your wavering mind, I mean, which is so movable▪  
That you for it, have ever been reprovable.   

35 Of a Cuckold that had a chaste Wife.  
WHen those Triumvers set that three man's song,  
Which established in Rome a hellish Trinity,  
That all the town, and all the world did wrong,  
Killing their friends, and kin of their affinity,  
By tripartite Indenture, parting Rome,  
As if the world for them had wanted room,  
Plotyna wife of one of that same hundred,  
Whom Anthony prescribed to lose their life,  
For beauty much, for love to be more wondered,  
Sued for his Spouse, and told she was his wife.  
The Tyrant pleasant to see so fair a suitor,  
Doth kiss her, and embrace her, and salute her.  
Then makes, nay mocks, a love too kind, too cruel  
She must, to save her husband from proscription,  
Grant him one night, her husband's chiefest jewel:  
And what he meant, he showed by lewd description:  
Vowing, except he might his pleasure have,  
No means would serve, her husband's life to save.  
Oh motion! loving thoughts, no thoughts, but thorn●  
Either he dies, whom she esteems most dearly:  
Or she herself subject to thousand scorns.  
Both fears do touch a Noble Matron nearly.  
Lo, yet an act, performed by this woman,  
Worthy a woman, worthy more a Roman:  
To show more than herself she loved her Spouse,  
She yields her body to this execution.  
Come, Tyrant, come, perform thy damned vows,  
Her single heart hath doubled thy pollution.  
Thou pollute her? No, fool, thou art beguiled:  
She in thy filthy lap lies undefiled.  
Honour of Matrons, of all wives a mirror!  
He swear with thee, thy husband wears no horn:  
Or if this act, convince mine oath of error,  
'twas a most precious one, an Unicorn.  
If aught I know by hearing or by reading,  
This act Lucretia's deed is far exceeding.   

36 Of the Lady that looked well to her borders.  
A Lady of great Birth, great reputation,  
Clothed in seemly, & most sumptuous fashion:  
Wearing a border of rich Pearl and stone,  
Esteemed at a thousand crowns alone,  
To see a certain Interlude, repairs,  
Through a great press, up a dark pair of stairs.  
Her Page did bear a Torch that burned but dimly.  
Two cozening mates, seeing her decked so trimly,  
Did place themselves upon the stairs to watch her,  
And thus they laid their plot to coney-catch her:  
One should as 'twere by chance strike out the light;  
While th'other that should stand beneath her, might  
Attempt, (which modesty to suffer loathes)  
Rudely to thrust his hands under her clothes.  
That while her hands repelled such gross disorders,  
His mate might quickly slip away the borders.  
Now though this act to her was most displeasant,  
Yet being wise (as women's wits are present:)  
Strait on her borders both her hands she cast,  
And with all her force she held them fast.  
Villains, she cried, you would my borders have:  
But I'll save them other itself can save:  
Thus, while the Page had got more store of light,  
The cozening mates, for fear slipped out of sight.  
Thus her good wit, their cunning overmatched.  
Were not these coney-catchers conycatcht?   

37 The Hermaphrodite.  
WHen first my mother bore me in her womb,  
She went to make inquiry of the gods,  
First of my birth, and after of my tomb.  
All answered true, yet all their words had odds.  
Phoebus' affirmed, a Male child should be borne:  
Mars said it would be female, juno neither:  
But I came forth, alas, to nature's scorn,  
Hermaphrodite, as much as both together.  
Then for my death, juno foretold the sword:  
Phoebus assigned me drowning for my fa●e:  
Mars threatened hanging, each performed their word,  
As note how well proved true in several rate.  
A Tree fast by a brook I needs would climb,  
My sword slipped out, and while no heed I took,  
My side fell on the point, and at that same time,  
My foot in boughs, my head hanged in the brook:  
That I thus borne a Male, a Female neither,  
Died drowned, & h●ng'd, & wounded all together.   

38 Of a sickness grew with a Tobacco pipe.  
Unto a gentle Gentlewoman's chamber▪  
Her peddler came, her husband being thence,  
●o sell fine linen, Lawns and Musk and Amber.  
●he frank of favours, sparing of expense,  
●o bargained with her, ere he parted thence,  
●hat for ten els of Holland, five of Lawn,  
●o grant dishonest pleasures, she was drawn.  
●ext day the man repenting of his cost,  
●id study means, to get him resolution:  
●r to be paid for that he there had lost,  
●nd thus he puts his thought in execution:  
●e turns to her, with settled resolution,  
●nd in her husband's presence unawares,  
●e asketh fifty shillings for his wares.  
●er husband ignorant what cause had bred it,  
●y wife, said he, had you so spent your store,  
●ou must with petty chapmen run on credit?  
Now for my honours sake, do so no more.  
No Sir (quoth she) I meant it to restore.  
I took it of him only for a trial,  
And find it too high prized for a Royal.  
Thus never changing countenance, she doth rise▪  
With outward silence, inward anger choking.  
And going to her closer, she espies  
Tobacco in a pipe, yet newly smoking.  
She takes the pipe, her malice her provoking,  
And laps it in his linen, coming back,  
And so the peddler put it in his pack,  
And packs away, and joys that with his wile,  
He had regained the stuff, yet gained his pleasure.  
But having walked scarcely half a mile,  
His pack did smoke, and smell so out of measure,  
That opening it unto his great displeasure,  
He found by that Tobacco pipe too late,  
The fiery force of feeble female hate.  
And seeking then some remedy by laws,  
Unto a neighbour justice he complains:  
But when the justice understood the cause,  
In her examination taking pains,  
And found 'twas but a fetch of women's brains:  
The cause dismissed, he bids the man beware,  
To deal with women that could burn his ware.   

39 A good answer of a Gentlewoman to a Lawyer.  
A Virtuous Dame, that saw a Lawyer room  
Abroad, reproved his stay so long from home:  
●nd said to him, that in his absence thence,  
●is wife might want her due benevolence.  
●ut he strait quit himself of such disgrace,  
answered it thus, with putting off a case.  
●ne owes one hundred pounds, now tell me whether  
〈◊〉 best? To have his payment all together:  
●r take it by a shilling, and a shilling,  
●hereby the bag should be the longer filling?  
●ure, said the Dame, I grant 'twere little loss,  
●one received such payments all in gross.  
Yet in your absence this may breed your sorrow,  
To hear your wife for want might twelve pence borrow.   

40 Of one that took thought for his wife.  
NO sooner Cinna's wife was dead and buried,  
But that with mourning much and sorrows wearied  
Maid, a servant of his wives, he wedded,  
●nd after he had boarded her, and bedded.  
And in her Mistress room had fully placed her,  
His wives old servant waxed his new master.   

41 Sir john Bavynsfords' choice of a man.  
RAinsford, whose acts were many times outrageous  
Had special care, to have his men courageous:  
A certain friend of his one day began,  
Unto his service to commend a man,  
One well approved, he said, in many jars,  
Whereof in head arms, hands, remained the scars▪  
The Knight the man, his marks and manners viewed▪  
And flat refusing him, did thus conclude:  
This is no man for me, but I suppose,  
He is a tall fellow that gave him all these blows▪   

42 Of Linus and his Mistress.  
Chased Linus, but as valiant as a Gander,  
Came to me yet, in friendly sort as may be:  
Lamenting that I raised on him a slander,  
Namely, that he should keep a gallant Lady.  
Beg me (said I) if I prove such a baby,  
To let my tongue, so false and idly wander.  
Who says that you keep her, lies in her throat,  
But she keeps you, that all the world may note.   

43 Inpraise of a Lady and her Music.  
Upon an Instrument of pleasing sound  
A Lady played More pleasing to the sight.  
● being asked in which of these I found  
Greatest content, my senses to delight?  
Ravished in both at once, as much as may be,  
Said, Sweet was Music, sweeter was the Lady.   

44 Of Riding-rimes.  
Fair Leda reads our Poetry sometimes,  
But saith she cannot like our Ryding-rimes;  
affirming that the Cadens falleth sweeter,  
●hen as the Verse is placed between the Meeter.  
●ell, Leda, leave henceforth this quarrel-piking,  
●nd sith that one between is to your liking,  
You shall have one between; yet some suppose,  
Leda hath loved both Riding-rime, and Prose.   

45 Of devout Parents and children.  
A Husband and a wife oft disagreeing,  
And either weary of th'other, being  
scholar great, either devoutly prays  
〈◊〉 God, that he will shorten th'others days:  
But more devout then both, their son and hei●e  
Prays God that he will grant them both their prayer.   

46 In commendation of two valiant Scottish Knights, that defended their King from the Earl Gowry: Sir Thomas Erskin, Sir john Ramsey.  
THe Persian Monarch, who by faithful espial  
Was safe preserved from slaves intended slaughter,  
By him whose Cousin and adopted daughter  
Unwares he did endow with sceptre royal;  
When reading in his bed a good while after,  
He found in true records that service loyal,  
Then with most grateful mind to make requital,  
And to increase Mardoches great renown,  
Upon his head (such was their use that season)  
He caused to be set his royal Crown.  
But greater should be your reward in reason;  
He but revealed, but you revenged a Treason.   

47 In praise of the Countess of Derby, married to the Lord Chancellor.  
THis noble Countess lived many years  
With Derby, one of England's greatest Peers;  
Fruitful and fair, and of so clear a name,  
That all this Region marvelled at her fame.  
But this brave Peer, extinct by hastened Fate,  
She stayed (ah too too long) in widows state:  
And in that state, took so sweet State upon her,  
All ears, eyes, tongues, heard, saw, & told her honour:  
Yet finding this a saying full of verity,  
'tis hard to have a Patent of prosperity,  
She found her wisest way and safe to deal,  
Was to consort with him that keeps the Seal.   

48 Of Cosmus, that will keep a good house hereafter.  
OLd Cosmus to his friends thus out doth give,  
After awhile, he like a Lord will live.  
After awhile, he'll end all troublous suits,  
After awhile, retain some men of quality,  
After awhile, of riches reap the fruits,  
After awhile, keep house in some formality,  
After awhile, finish his beauteous building,  
After awhile, leave off his busy buying:  
●et all the while he lives but like a hilding,  
●is head grows grey with fresh vexations toiling.  
●ell, Cosmus, I believe your heir doth smile,  
●o think what you will do after awhile:  
For sure, the Proverb is more true than civil,  
Blessed is the son whose Sire goes to the Devil.   

49 Of neat Galla.  
THe pride of Galla now is grown so great,  
She seeks to be surnamed Galla the neat,  
But who their merits shall, and manners scan,  
May think the term is due to her good man.  
Ask you, Which way? Methinks your wits are dull:  
My Shoomakes resolve you can at full,  
Neat's Leather is both Oxhide, Cow, and Bull.   

50 Of reversing an error.  
I Did you wrong, at least you did suppose,  
For taxing certain faults of yours in Prose:  
But now I have the same in Rhyme rehearsed,  
My error, nay your error is reversed.   

51 Of good Sauce.  
I Went to sup with Cinna other night,  
And to say true (for give the devil his right)  
Though scant of meat we could a morsel get,  
Yet there with store of passing sauce we met.  
You ask what sauce, where pittance was so small?  
This, Is not hunger the best sauce of all?   

52 Of a slander.  
ON Lesbya, Linus raised had a slander,  
For which when as she thought to take an action▪  
Yet by request she took this satisfaction,  
That being drunk, his tongue did idly wander:  
Came this from Viderit utilitas?  
Or else from this, In Vino veritas?   

53 Of a Lady early up.  
LEsbya, that wont was to sleep till noon,  
This other morning stirring was at five:  
What did she mean, think you, to rise so soon?  
I doubt we shall not have her long alive.  
Yes: never fear it, there is no such danger,  
It seems unto her course you be a stranger:  
For why, a dancing, banqueting, and play,  
And at Carousing many a costly cup,  
She sat the night before, until 'twas day,  
And by that mean, you found her early up▪  
Oh, was it so? why then the case is clear,  
That she was early up, and ne'er the near.   
The end of the third Book.   

Sir JOHN harrington's Epigrams, the fourth Book.  

1 To an ill Reader.  
THe verses, Sextus, thou dost read, are mine;  
But with bad reading thou wilt make them thine.   

2 In lectorem invidum.  
WHo reads our verse, with visage sour and grim.  
I wish him envy me, none envy him.   

3 Of Table friends.  
YOu think his faith is firm, his friendship stable,  
Whose first acquaintance grew but at your Table:  
●e loves your venison, snytes, quails, larks, not you:  
●ake me such fare, and take my friendship too.   

4 The Author to his wife, of partition.  
SOme Ladies with their Lords divide their state,  
And live so when they list, at several rate;  
But I'll endure thee, Mall, on no condition,  
To sue with me a writ of such partition.  
Twice seven years since, most solemnly I vowed,  
With all my worldly goods I thee endowed,  
Then house, plate, stuff, not part, but all is thine:  
Yet so, that thou, and they, and all are mine.  
Then let me go, and sue my writ of dotage,  
If I with thee part house, or close, or cottage.  
For, where this is my Lords, and that my Ladies,  
There some, perhaps, think likewise of their babie●   

5 Of Treason.  
TReason doth never prosper, what's the reason?  
For if it prosper, none dare call it Treason.   

6 Of the wars in Ireland.  
I Praised the speech, but cannot now abide it,  
That war is sweet, to those that have not tried it:  
For I have proved it now, and plainly see't,  
It is so sweet, it maketh all things sweet.  
At home Canary wines and Greek grow loathsome:  
Here milk is Nectar, water tasteth toothsome.  
There without baked, roast, boiled, it is no cheer.  
Biscuit we like, and Bonny Clabo here.  
There we complain of one rear roasted chick:  
here viler meat, worse cooked, ne'er makes me sick.  
At home in silken spa●uers, beds of Down,  
We scant can rest, but still toss up and down:  
here I can sleep, a saddle to my pillow,  
A hedge the Curtain, Canopy a Willow.  
There if a child but cry, oh what a spite!  
here we can brook three larums in one night.  
There homely rooms must be perfumed with Roses:  
Here match and powder ne'er offends our noses.  
There from a storm of rain we run like Pullet's:  
here we stand fast against a shower of bullets.  
Lo then how greatly their opinions err,  
That think there is no great delight in war:  
But yet for this (sweet war) I'll be thy debtor,  
I shall for ever love my home the better.   

7 Of Women learned in the tongues.  
YOu wished me to a wife, fair, rich and young,  
That had the Latin, French and Spanish tongue.  
I thanked, and told you I desired none such,  
And said, One Language may be tongue too much.  
Then love I not the learned? yes as my life;  
A learned mistress, not a learned wife.   

8 The Author to his wife, of the twelve Signs, how they govern.  
Mark here (my Mall) how in this dozen lines,  
Thus placed are the twelve celestial Signs:  
And first, the Ram bears rule in head and face,  
The stiffnecked Bull in neck doth hold his place,  
And Twins mine arms and hands do both embrace.  
Then Cancer keeps the small ribs and the breast,  
And Leo back and heart hath aye possessed.  
Then Virgo claims the entrails and the paunch,  
Libra the navel, reins, and either haunch.  
Scorpio pretends power in the privy parts,  
Both thighs are pierced with Sagitaries darts.  
Then Capricorn to knees his force doth send,  
Aquarius doth to legs his virtue lend.  
Pisces beneath unto the feet descend.  
Thus each part is possessed; now tell me, Mall,  
Where lies thy part? in which of these? In all.  
In all? content. Yet sure thou art more jealous  
Of Leo's part and Scorpio's, than their fellows.   

9 Against Swearing.  
IN elder times an ancient custom was,  
To swear in weighty matters by the Mass.  
But when the Mass went down (as old men note)  
They swore then by the cross of this same groat.  
And when the Cross was likewise held in scorn,  
Then by their faith, the common oath was sworn.  
Last, having sworn away all faith and troth,  
Only God damn them is their common oath.  
Thus custom kept decorum by gradation,  
That losing Mass, Cross, Faith, they find damnation.   

10 Of little pity.  
WHen noble Essex, Blount and Danvers died,  
One saw them suffer, that had heard them tried:  
And sighing, said; When such brave soldiers die,  
Is●t not great pity, think you? No, said I:  
There is no man of sense in all the city,  
Will say, 'Tis great, but rather little pity.   

11 Of a Book called the Gentle Craft.  
I Past this other day through Paul's Churchyard,  
And heard some read a book, and reading laughed,  
The title of the book was Gentle Craft.  
But when I marked the matter with regard,  
A new-sprung branch that in my mind did grafted,  
And thus I said, Sirs, scorn not him that writ it:  
A gilded blade hath oft a dudgeon haft,  
And well I see, this writer roves a shaft  
Near fairest mark, yet happily not hit it.  
For never was the like book sold in Paul's,  
If so with Gentle Craft it could persuade  
Great Princes midst their pomp to learn a trad●  
Once in their lives to work, to mend their soule●   

12 Of the games that have been in request at the Court.  
I Herd one make a pretty Observation,  
How games have in the Court turned with the fashion  
The first game was the best, when free from crime,  
The Courtly gamesters all were in their prime:  
The second game was Post, until with posting  
They paid so fast, 'twas time to leave their boasting.  
Then thirdly followed heaving of the Maw,  
A game without Civility or Law,  
An odious play, and yet in Court oft seen,  
A saucy knave to trump both King and Queen.  
Then followed Lodam, hand to hand or quarter,  
At which some maids so ill did keep the Quarter,  
That unexpected, in a short abode  
They could not cleanly bear away their load.  
Now Noddy followed next, as well it might,  
Although it should have gone before of right.  
At which I saw, I name not any body,  
One never had the knave, yet laid for Noddy.  
The last game now in use is Bankrupt,  
Which will be played at still, I stand in doubt,  
Until Lavolta turn the wheel of time,  
And make it come about again to Prime.   

13 The Author to Queen Elizabeth, in praise of her reading.  
FOr ever dear, for ever dreaded Prince,  
You read a verse of mine a little since,  
●nd so pronounced each word, and every letter,  
●our Gracious reading, graced my verse the better.  
●ith than your Highness doth by gift exceeding,  
Make what you read, the better in your reading,  
Let my poor Muse your pains thus far importune,  
To leave to read my verse, and read my fortune.   

14 Of King Henry's wooing.  
Unto a stately great outlandish Dame,  
A Messenger from our King Henry came,  
● Henry of famous memory the eight)  
●o treat with her in matter of great weight;  
●s namely, how the King did seek her marriage,  
because of her great virtue and good carriage.  
●he (that had heard the King loved change of pasture)  
replied, I humbly thank the King, your Master,  
And would, (such love his fame in me hath bred,)  
My body venture so, but not my head.   

15 Two witty answers of Bishop Bonner.  
BOnner, that late had Bishop been of London,  
Was bid by one, Good morrow Bishop quondam:  
He with the scoff, no whit put out of temper,  
Replied incontinent, Adieu knave Semper.  
Another in such kind of scoffing speeches,  
Would beg his tippet, needs, to line his breeches.  
Not so (quoth he) but it may be thy hap,  
To have a foolish head to line thy cap.   

16 Of Linus borrowing.  
LYnus came late to me, six crowns to borrow,  
And swore God damn him, he'd repaied to morrow.  
I knew his word, as currant as his band,  
And strait I gave to him three crowns in hand;  
This I to give, this he to take was willing,  
And thus he gained, and I saved fifteen shilling.   

17 A good answer of the Poet Dant to an Atheist.  
THe pleasant learned Italian Poet Dant,  
Hearing an Atheist at the Scriptures jest,  
Asked him in jest, which was the greatest beast?  
He simply said; he thought an Elephant.  
Then Elephant (quoth Dant) it were commodious,  
That thou wouldst hold thy peace, or get thee hence,  
Breeding our Conscience scandal and offence  
With thy profaned speech, most vile and odious.  
Oh Italy, thou breed'st but few such Dantes,  
I would our England bred no Elephants.   

18 Of Quintus alms.  
WHen Quintus walketh out into the street,  
As soon as with some beggar he doth meet,  
Ere that poor soul to ask his alms hath leisure,  
He first doth chafe and swear beyond all measure,  
And for the Beadle all about he sends,  
To bear him to Bridewell, so he pretends.  
The Beggar quickly out of sight doth go,  
●ull glad in heart he hath escaped so.  
Then Quintus laughs, and thinks it is less charges,  
To swear an oath or two, then give a largesse.   

19 Of Marcus his drunken feasting.  
WHen Marcus makes (as oft he doth) a feast,  
The Wine still costs him more than all the rest.  
Were water in this town as dear as hay,  
His horses should not long at livery stay.  
●ut tell me, is't not a most foolish trick,  
●o drink to others healths till thou be sick?  
●et such the fashion is of Bacchus' crew,  
●o quaff and bowze, until they belch and spew:  
Well, leave it, Marcus, else thy drinking health,  
Will prove an eating to thy wit and wealth.   

20 A good jest of a Crow.  
A Baron and a Knight, one day walking  
On Richmond green, & as they were in talking,  
A Crow, that lighted on the rail by Fortune,  
Stood becking, and cried kaw with noise importune.  
This bird, the Baron said, doth you salute,  
Sir Knight, as if to you he had some suit,  
Not unto me, the Knight replied in pleasance,  
'Tis to some Lord he makes so low obeisance.   

21 Of kissing the foot.  
A Courtier, kind in speech, cursed in condition,  
Finding his fault could be no longer hidden,  
Went to his friend to clear his hard suspicion,  
And fearing lest he might be more then chidden,  
Fell to a flattering and most base submission,  
Vowing to kiss his foot, if he were bidden.  
My foot? (said he) that were too submiss,  
But three foot higher you deserve to kiss.   

22 Of a saucy Cator.  
A Cator had of late some wildfowl bought,  
And when unto his Master them he brought,  
Forthwith the Master smelling nigh the rump,  
Said, Out, thou knave, these savour of the pump.  
The man (that was a rude and saucy Lout)  
What Sir, said he, smell you them thereabout?  
Smell your fair Lady there, and by your favour,  
Your fortune may meet with a fulsome savour.   

23 Of a certain man..  
THere was (not certain when) a certain preacher,  
That never learned, and yet became a Teacher,  
Who having read in Latin thus a Text  
Of erat quidam homo, much perplexed,  
He seemed the same with study great to scan  
In English thus; there was a certain man.  
But now (quoth he) good people, note you this,  
He saith there was, he doth not say there is:  
For in these days of ours, it is most certain,  
Of promise, oath, word, deed, no man is certain:  
Yet by my text you see it comes to pass,  
That surely once a certain man there was.  
But yet I think, in all your Bible no man  
Can find this text; there was a certain woman.   

24 Of Lesbian.  
OLd widow Lesbian, after husband's five,  
Yet feeleth Cupid's flames in her revive.  
And now she takes a gallant youth and trim.  
Alas for her, nay, nay, alas for him.   

25 The horn Cinqu●-apace.  
WHo wishes, hopes, and thinks, his wife is true,  
To him one horn, or unicorn is due.  
Who sees his wife play false, and will not spy it,  
He hath two horns, and yet he may deny it.  
The man that can endure when all men scorn,  
And pardon open faults, hath treble horn;  
Who brings fine Courtiers oft to see his bride,  
He hath one pair of horns on either side.  
But he that swears he did so happy wive,  
He can be none of these, let him have five.   

26 Of cursing Cuckolds.  
A Lord that talked late in way of scorn,  
Of some that ware invisibly the horn,  
Said he could wish, and did (as for his part)  
All Cuckolds in the Thames, with all his heart.  
But strait a pleasant Knight replied to him,  
I hope your Lordship learned hath to swim.   

27 Of the pillars of the Church.  
IN old time they were the Church's pillars,  
That did excel in learning and in piety,  
And were to youth examples of sobriety,  
Of Christ's fair field the true and painful tilers:  
But where are now the men of that society?  
Are all those tilers dead? those pillars broken?  
No, God forbid such blasphemy be spoken;  
I say, to stop the mouths of all ill-willers,  
God's field hath harrowers still, his Church hath pillars,   

28 Of Exchange.  
OLd Caius sold a wench, to buy a bark.  
Young Titus gave the ship, to have the slut.  
Who makes the better mart, now let us mark,  
Th' one loves to rove, the tother goes to rut.   

29 Of lesbia's kissing craft.  
LEsbia with study found a means in th' end,  
In presence of her Lord to kiss her friend,  
Each of them kissed by turns a little Whelp,  
Transporting kisses thus by puppy's help.  
And so her good old Lord she did beguise:  
Was not my Lord a puppy all the while?   

30 Of six sorts of Fasters.  
Six sorts of folks I find use fasting days,  
But of these six, the sixth I only praise.  
The sick man fasts, because he cannot eat.  
The poor doth fast, because he hath no meat.  
The miser fasts, with mind to mend his store.  
The glutton, with intent to eat the more.  
The hypocrite, thereby to seem more holy.  
The virtuous, to prevent or punish folly.  
Now he that eateth fast, and drinks as fast,  
May match these fasters, any but the last.   

31 Of Cinna.  
PVre Cinna gets his wife a maiden Cook  
With red cheeks, yellow locks, & cheerful look.  
What might he mean hereby? I hold my life,  
She dresseth flesh for him, not for his wife.   

32 Of Claudia.  
CLaudia, to save a noble Romans blood,  
Was offered by some friends that wished his good,  
A jewel of inestimable price;  
But she would not be won by this device:  
For she did take his head, and leave the jewel.  
Was Claudia now more covetous, or cruel?   

33 A rule to Play.  
LAy down your stake at play, lay down your passion:  
A greedy gamester still hath some mishap.  
To chafe at play, proceeds of foolish fashion.  
No man throws still the dice in fortune's lap.   

34 Of a drunken Tobacconist.  
WHen Marcus hath caroused March Beer and Sack,  
And that his brains grow dizzy therewithal,  
Then of Tobacco he a pipe doth lack,  
Of Trinidade in cane, in leaf, or ball,  
Which ta'en a little, he doth spit and smack,  
Then lays him on his bed for fear to fall,  
And poor Tobacco bears the name of all.  
But that same pipe which Marcus brain did lad.  
Was of Medera, not of Trinidade.   

35 Tristis es & foelix, sciat hoc fortuna Caveto. To a Lady.  
FRoward yet fortunate? if fortune knew it,  
Believe me, Madam, she would make you rue it.   

36 A Salisbury tale.  
Fair Sarum's Church, beside the stately tower,  
Hath many things in number aptly sorted,  
Answering the year, the month, week, day & hour,  
But above all (as I have heard reported,  
And to the view doth probably appear)  
A pillar for each hour in all the year.  
Further, this Church of Sarum hath been found,  
To keep in singing service so good form,  
That most Cathedral Churches have been bound,  
Themselves ad usum Sarum to conform:  
I am no Cabalist to judge by number,  
Yet that this Church is so with pillars filled,  
It seems to me to be the lesser wonder,  
That Sarums Church is every hour peeled.  
And sith the rest are bound to Sarums use,  
What marvel if they taste of like abuse?   

37 Of a fair Shrew.  
Fair, rich, and young? how rare is her perfection,  
Were it not mingled with one foul infection?  
I mean, so proud a heart, so cursed a tongue,  
As makes her seem, nor fair, nor rich, nor young.   

38 Of God's part.  
ONe that had farmed a fat Impropriation,  
Used to his neighbours often exhortation,  
To pay to him the tithes and profits duly,  
Affirming (as he might affirm most truly)  
How that the tithes are God Almighty's part,  
And therefore they should paid with all their heart.  
But strait replied one amongst the rest,  
(One that had crossed him oft, but never blest.)  
It is God's part indeed, whose goodness gave it;  
But yet oft times we see the Devil have it.   

39 Of Lalus simoniacal horsecoursing.  
PVre Lalus gate a benefice of late,  
Without offence of people, Church, or State;  
Yea but ask echo how he did come by it,  
Come buy it? No with oaths he will deny it.  
He nothing gave direct, or indirectly.  
●ie, Lalus, now you tell us a direct lie:  
Did not your Patron for an hundred pound,  
●ell you a horse was neither young nor sound,  
No Turk, no Courser, Barbary, nor jennit?  
simony? No, but I see money in it.  
Well, if it were but so, the case is clear;  
The Benefice was cheap, the Horse was dear.   

40 An addition to the same Epigram.  
PEter for Westminster, and Paul for London,  
Lament, for both your Churches will be undone,  
If Smithfield find a fetch forth of a stable▪  
Laws to delude, and Lords of Council table.   

The same in Latin by the Author.  
NEc populo infenso, nec ruptis legibus ullis,  
Lelus noster habet pingue sacerdotium,  
unde sed hoc venit, vaen it tibi personet eccho,  
Eccho, misodes, dicito an emit, emit.  
Ilia ducentem, fructumque: senilibus annis  
Illi patronus vendit avarus equum,  
Aurea pro vetulo dat bis centena caballo,  
Cui nec Turca pater, nec patria Italia est:  
Ergo sacerdotium Regina pecunia donat,  
Magno equitat precio, praedicat exiguo.   

Additio.  
jam vos templorum properam sperare ruinam,  
Et tu Petre tui, tu quoque, Pa●le, ●ui  
Sordida fabrili si nata astutia campo,  
Legibus & sanctis patribus imposuit.   

41 Of Cinna.  
Five years hath Cinna studied Genesis,  
And knows not what in Principio is;  
And grieved that he is gravelled thus, he skips,  
o'er all the Bible, to th' apocalypse.   

42 Of bag and baggage.  
A Man appointed, upon loss of life,  
With bag and baggage at a time assigned.  
●o part a town; his foul unwieldy wife,  
desired him that she might stay behind.  
●ay, quoth the man, I'll never be so kind,  
As venture life, for such an ugly hag  
That looks both like a baggage and a bag.   

43 Of a woman's kindness to her husband.  
ONe that had lived long by lewdest shifts,  
Brought to the Court that Corn from cockle sisis,  
●archamber, that of justice is the mirror,  
●as senten'st there, and for the greater terror,  
adjudged, first, to lie a year in fetters,  
●hen burned in his forehead with two letters,  
●nd to disparaged him with more disgrace,  
●o slit his nose, the figure of his face.  
The prisoners wife with no dishonest mind,  
To show herself unto her husband kind,  
Sued humbly to the Lords, and would not cease,  
Some part of this sharp rigour to release.  
He was a man (she said) had served in war,  
What mercy would a soldiers face so mar?  
Thus much said she: but gravely they replied,  
It was great mercy that he thus was tried:  
His crimes deserve he should have lost his life,  
And hang in chains. Alas, replied his wife,  
If you disgrace him thus, you quite undo him,  
Good my Lords hang him, pray be good unto him.   

44 Of Don Pedro  
Done Pedro never dines without red Deer;  
If red Deer be his guests, grass is his cheer.  
ay, but I mean, he hath it in his dish,  
And so have I oft what I do not wish.   

45 The Author to his wife.  
MAll, once in pleasant company by chance,  
I wished that you for company would dance,  
Which you refused, and said, your years require,  
Now, Matron-like, both manners and attire.  
Well Mall, if needs thou wilt be Matron-like,  
Then trust to this, I will a Matron like:  
●et so to you my love may never lessen,  
〈◊〉 you for Church, house, bed, observe this lesson.  
〈◊〉 in the Church as solemn as a Saint,  
●o deed, word, thought, your due devotion taint.  
●aile (if you will) your head, your soul reveal  
●o him, that only wounded souls can heal.  
〈◊〉 in my house as busy as a Bee,  
●auing a sting for every one but me,  
●uzzing in every corner, gathering honey.  
●et nothing waste, that costs or yieldeth money.  
●nd when thou seest my heart to mirth incline,  
〈◊〉 tongue, wit, blood, warm with good cheer and wine,  
Then of sweet sports let no occasion scape,  
But be as wanton, toying as an Ape.   

46 Of Lelia.  
WHen lovely Lelia was a tender girl,  
She happed to be deflowered by an Earl;  
●las, poor wench, she was to be excused,  
●●ch kindness oft is offered, seld refused.  
●ut be not proud; for she that is no Countess,  
●nd yet lies with a Count, must make account this,  
All Countess's in honour her surmount,  
They have, she had, an honourable Count   

47 Of a drunken Smith.  
I Herd that SMUG the Smith, for ale and spice  
Sold all his tools, and yet he kept his vice.   

48 Of Soothsaying.  
MIght Kings shun future mischief by foretelling  
Then amongst Soothsayers 'twere excellent dwelling  
But if there be no means such harms repelling,  
The knowledge makes the sorrow more excelling.  
But this, dear Sovereign, me comfort doth,  
That of these soothsayers, very few say sooth.   

49 A good request of a Lawyer.  
A Pleasant Lawyer standing at the bar,  
The Causes done, and day not passed far,  
A judge to whom he had professed devotion,  
Asked him in grace, if he would have a motion:  
Yes Sir, quoth he, but short, and yet not small,  
That whereas now of Satieants is a call,  
I wish (as most of my profession do)  
That there might be a call of Clients too:  
For sure it brings us Lawyers much cumber,  
Because of them we find so small a number.   

50 Of Friendship.  
NEw friends are no friends; how can that be true?  
The oldest friends that are, were sometimes new.   

51 Of Caius' increase in his absence.  
WHile Caius doth remain beyond the Seas,  
And follows there some great important suit,  
●is Lands bore neither Oats, nor Beans, nor Pease,  
●ut yet his wife bears fair and full-grown fruit.  
What is the cause that brings his Land's sterility,  
●nd his wives fruitfulness and great fertility?  
His Lands want occupiers to manure them,  
But she hath store, & knows how to procure them.   

52 Of a toothless Shrew.  
OLd Ellen had four teeth as I remember,  
She caught out two of them the last December;  
●ut this shrewd cough in her reigned so unruly,  
●e caught out other two before 'twas july.  
●ow she may cough her heart out, for in sooth,  
●he said shrewd cough hath left her ne'er a tooth.  
But her cursed tongue, wanting this common curb,  
Doth more than erst the household all disturb.   

53 To Doctor Sharpe.  
LAte I took leave of two right noble dames,  
And hasted to my wife as I protested:  
You willed me stay awhile, and thus you jested:  
You Sir, may please your Wife with Epigrams.  
Well said, 'twas Doctorlike, and sharply spoken,  
No friendship breaks, where jests so smooth are 〈◊〉  
But now you have new orders ta'en of late,  
Those orders, which (as you expound Saint Paul)  
Are equal honourable unto all;  
I mean of marriage the holy state,  
I hope, in Lent, when flesh grows out of date,  
You will, in stead of other recreation,  
Be glad to please your wife with some Collation   

54 Of the Papists Feasts, and the Brownists Fasts.  
A Papist dwelling to a Brownist near,  
Their servants met, and vaunted of their chee●  
And first, the Papists man did make his boast,  
He had each festival both baked and roast,  
And where (said he) your zealous sort allow,  
On Christmas day itself to go to plow,  
We feast, and play, and walk, and talk, and slumb●●  
Besides, our holy days are more in number:  
As namely, we do keep with great festivity,  
Our Ladies, both assumption and nativity;  
S. Paul's conversion, S. john's decollation,  
S. Laurence broiled, S. Swithens moist translation,  
S. Peter's chains, and how with Angel's vision  
He broke the prison, quite without misprision.  
● grant, the tother said, you seem more gainesome,  
But for your sport, you pay too dear a ransom.  
We like your Feasts, your Fast bred our grieves,  
Your Lents, your Ember weeks, and holy Eves.  
But this conjunction I should greatly praise,  
The Brownists fasts, with Papists holy days.   

55 Of Mile the glutton.  
MIlo with haste to cram his greedy gut,  
One of his thumbs unto the bone had cut:  
Then strait it noised was about by some,  
That he had lost his stomach with his thumb.  
To which one said, No worse hap fall unto him:  
But if a poor man find it, 'twill undo him.   

56 Of Fortune.  
FOrtune, men say, doth give too much to many:  
But yet she never gave enough to any.   

57 Of devotion and promotion.  
I Met a Lawyer at the Court this Lent,  
And ask what great cause him thither sent,  
He said, that moved with Doctor Androes fame,  
To hear him preach, he only thither came:  
But strait, I wished him softly in his ear,  
To find some other sense, else some will swear,  
Who to the Court come only for devotion,  
They in the Church pray only for promotion.   

58 Of a painted Lady.  
I Saw dame Leda's picture lately drawn,  
With hair about her ears, transparent Lawn,  
Her ivory paps, and every other part,  
So limd unto the life by Painter's Art,  
That I that had been long with her acquainted,  
Did think that both were quick, or both were painte●   

59 Of Galla's gallantry.  
WHat is the cause our Galla is so gallant,  
Like ship in fairest wind, top and top gallant▪  
Hath she of late been courted by some Gallant?  
No sure: How then? Galla hath quaffed a gallon.   

60 In Cornutum.  
A Thais? no, Diana thou didst wed:  
For she hath given to thee Actaeon's head.   

61 Of Paulus, a Flatterer.  
NO man more servile, no man more submiss,  
Then to our Sovereign Lady Paulus is.  
He doth extol her speech, admire her feature,  
He calls himself her vassal, and her creature.  
Thus while he daubs his speech with flatteries plaster,  
And calls himself her slave, he grows our Master,  
Still getting what he list without control,  
By singing this old song, re mi fa sol.   

62 Of Linus, an ill guest.  
Ask you what profit Kew to me doth yield?  
This, Linus, there I shall see thee but seld;  
●or where good guests may take a cottage grateful,  
There, such as thou do make a Palace hateful.   

63 Against Pius Quintus, that excommunicated Queen Elizabeth.  
ARe Kings your Foster-fathers', Queens your nurses,  
Oh Roman Church? Then why did Pius Quintus  
With Basan bulls (not like one pius intus)  
Lay on our sacred Prince unhallowed curses?  
It is not health of souls, but wealth of purses  
You seek, by such your hell-denouncing threats,  
Oppugning with your chair, our Prince's seats,  
Disturbing our sweet peace; and that which worse is  
You suck out blood, and bite your Nurse's teats.  
Learn, learn, to ask your milk, for if you snatch it,  
The nurse must send your babes pap with a hatchet   

64 Of finding a Hare.  
A Gallant full of life, and void of care,  
Asked his friend if he would find a Hare?  
He that for sleep more than such sports did care,  
Said, Go your ways, and leave me here alone;  
Let them find Hares that lost them, I lost none.   

65 Of Merit, and Demerit.  
A Knight, and valiant servitor of late,  
plained to a Lord and Councillor of State,  
That Captains in these days were not regarded,  
That only Carpet Knights were well rewarded:  
For I, saith he, with all my hurts and maims,  
Get not the recompense my merit claims.  
Good Cousin (said the Lord) the fault is yours,  
Which you impute unto the higher Powers,  
●or where you should in Pater noster pray,  
Give unto us our daily bread to day;  
Your misdemeanours this petition needs,  
Our trespasses forgive us, and misdeeds.   

66 Of Faustus, Esquire.  
Faustus', for taking of a wrong possession,  
Was by a justice bound unto the Session:  
The Crier the recognisance doth call,  
●austus, Esquire, come forth into the Hall.  
Out (said the judge) on all such foolish Criers,  
Devils are Carpenters, where such are Squires.   

67 Of Peleus' friendship.  
WHen Peleus is brought up to London streets,  
By Process first to answer weighty suits,  
Oh then how kind he is to all he meets!  
How friendly by their names he them salutes!  
Than one shall have a Colt of his best race,  
●nother gets a warrant for a Buck:  
●ome deeper bribed, according as their place  
May serve his turn, to work or wish good luck.  
But when his troubles all to end are brought  
By time, or friendly pains on his behalf,  
Then strait (as if he set us all at nought)  
His kindness is not now so much by half.  
Sith then his suits in Law his friendship doubles,  
I for his friendship's sake could wish him troubles   

68 Of enclosing a Common.  
A Lord, that purposed for his more avail,  
To compass in a Common with a rail,  
Was reckoning with his friend about the cost  
And charge of every reule, and every post:  
But he (that wished his greedy humour crossed)  
Said, Sir, provide you posts, and without failing,  
Your neighbours round about will find you railing▪   

69 The Author to his wife, of too much stomach▪  
LAte having been a fishing at the Ford,  
And bringing home with me my dish of Trout  
Your mind that while, did cast some causeless doubts  
For while that meat was set upon the board,  
You sullen silent, fed yourself with pouts.  
I twice sent for you, but you sent me word,  
How that you had no stomach to your meat.  
Well I feared more, your stomach was too great.   

70 A witty choice of a Country fellow.  
A Rich Lord had a poor Lout to his guest,  
And having sumptuous fare, and costly dressed,  
carved him a wing of a most dainty Bird;  
affirming seriously upon his word,  
Those birds were sent him from his loving cozen,  
●nd were well worthy twenty marks a dozen▪  
●e that for such great dainties did not care,  
●●id, I like well your Lordship's courser fare:  
For I can eat your Beef, Pig, Goose and Coney,  
But of such fare, give me my share in money.   

71 To a great Magistrate, in Re and in Spe.  
THose that for Prince's goods do take some pain  
(Their goods to whom of right all pains we owe)  
seek some reward for service good to gain,  
Which oft their gracious goodness doth bestow:  
I for my travel, beg not a reward,  
I beg less by a syllable, a Ward.   

72 A comparison of a Book, with Cheese.  
OLd Haywood writes, & proves in some degrees,  
That one may well compare a book with cheese;  
〈◊〉 every market some buy cheese to feed on,  
At every mart some men buy books to read on.  
All sorts eat cheese; but how? there is the question  
The poor for food, the rich for good digestion.  
All sorts read books, but why? will you discern?  
The fool to laugh, the wiser sort to learn.  
The sight, taste, sent of cheese to some is hateful,  
The sight, taste, sense of books to some's ungrateful  
No cheese there was, that ever pleased all feeders,  
No book there is, that ever liked all Readers.   

73 A Scottish verse.  
ROb. Will. and Davy,  
Keep well thy Pater noster and ave:  
And if thou wilt the better speed,  
Gang no further than thy Creed:  
Say well, and do none ill,  
And keep thyself in safety still.   

74 To beggars of Books.  
MY friend, you press me very hard,  
my books of me you crave;  
I have none, but in Paul's Churchyard,  
for money you may have.  
But why should I my coin bestow  
such toys as these to buy?  
〈◊〉 am not such a fool I trow:  
forsooth no more am I   

75 In Paulum Athaium.  
PRoud Paulus, led by Sadduces infection,  
Doth not believe the body's resurrection,  
But holds them all in scorn and deep derision,  
That talk of Saints or Angel's apparition:  
And saith, they are but fables all, and fancies  
Of Lunatics, or folks possessed with frenzies.  
● have, saith he, travelled both near and far,  
By land, by sea, in time of peace and war,  
●et never met I spirit, or ghost, or Elf,  
Drought (as is the phrase) worse than myself▪  
●ell, Paulus, this I now believe indeed,  
That who in all, or part, denies his Creed;  
Went he to sea, land, hell, I would agree,  
A Fiend worse than himself, he could not see.   

76 Of double Fraud.  
A Fellow false, and to all fraud enured,  
In high star-chamber court was found perjured,  
And by just sentence judged to lose his ears:  
A doom right fit for him that falsely swears.  
Now on the Pillory while he was preaching,  
The Jailor busy for his ears was searching:  
But all in vain, for there was not an ear,  
Only the places hid with locks of hair.  
Thou knave, said he, I will of thee complain  
Unto the Lords, for cozenage again.  
Why so, said he? their order me doth bind  
To lose mine ears, not you mine ears to find.   

77 Of taking a Hare.  
Unto a Lawyer rich, a Client poor  
Came early in the morning to his door,  
And dancing long attendance in the place,  
At last, he got some counsel in his case;  
For which the Lawyer looked to have been paid:  
But thus at last the poor man to him said,  
I cannot give a fee, my state's so bare:  
But will it please you, Sir, to take a Hare?  
He that took all that came, with all his heart,  
Said that he would, and take it in good part.  
Then must you run apace (good Sir) quoth he:  
For she this morning quite outstripped me.  
He went his way, the Hare was never taken.  
Was not the Lawyer taken, or mistaken?   

78 The Author to his Wife.  
YOur maid Brunetta you with news acquaints,  
How Leda, (whom, her husband wanting issue,  
Brought erst to Bath, our pilgrimage of Saints)  
Wears her gown velvet, kirtle, cloth of tissue,  
A figured Satin petticoat Carnation,  
With six gold parchment lace's all in fashion,  
Yet never was Dame Leda nobler borne,  
Nor drank in Gossip's cup by Sovereign sent,  
Nor ever was her highness woman sworn,  
Nor doth her husband much exceed in rent.  
Then Mall, be proud, that thou mayst better wear them.  
And I more proud, thou better dost forbear them.   

79 Of too high commendation in a mean person.  
A Scholar once, to win his Mistress love,  
Compared her to three Goddesses above,  
And said she had (to give her due deserts)  
Juno's, minerva's, and fair Venus' parts.  
juno so proud, and cursed was of her tongue,  
All men misliked her both old and young.  
Pallas so soul, and grim was out of measure,  
That neither gods nor men in her took pleasure.  
Venus' unchaste, that she strong Mars entices,  
With young Adonis, and with old Anchises.  
How think you, are these praises few or mean,  
Compared to a shrew, a slut, or quean?   

80 Of trusting a Captain.  
AN Alderman, one of the better sort,  
And worthy member of our worthiest City;  
Unto whose Table divers did resort,  
Himself of stomach good, of answers witty,  
Was once requested by a Table friend,  
To lend an unknown Captain forty pound.  
The which, because he might the rather lend,  
He said he should become in statute bound.  
And this (quoth he) you need not doubt to take,  
For he's a man of late grown in good credit,  
And went about the world with Captain Drake.  
Out (quoth the Alderman) that ere you said it,  
For forty pounds? no nor for forty pence.  
His single bond I count not worth a chip:  
I say to you (take not hereat offence,)  
He that hath three whole years been in a ship,  
In famine, plagues, in stench, and storm, so rife,  
Cares not to lie in Ludgate all his life.   

81 In Cornutum.  
WHat curldpate youth is he that sitteth there  
So near thy wife, and whispers in her ear,  
And takes her hand in his, and soft doth wring her,  
Sliding his ring still up and down her finger?  
Sir, 'tis a Proctor, seen in both the Laws,  
Retained by her, in some important cause;  
Prompt and discreet both in his speech and action,  
And doth her business with great satisfaction.  
And thinkest thou so? a horn-plague on thy head:  
Art thou so like a fool, and wittol led,  
To think he doth the business of thy wife?  
He doth thy business, I dare lay my life.   

82 A Tragical Epigram.  
WHen doom of Peers & judges foreappointed,  
By racking laws beyond all reach of reason,  
Had unto death condemned a Queen anointed,  
And found, (oh strange!) without allegiance, treason;  
The Axe that should have done that execution,  
Shunned to cut off a head that had been crowned,  
Our hangman lost his wont resolution,  
To quell a Queen of nobleness so renowned.  
Ah, is remorse in hangmen and in steel,  
When Peers and judges no remorse can feel?  
Grant Lord, that in this noble I'll, a Queen  
Without a head, may never more be seen.   

83 Of reading Scriptures.  
THe sacred Scriptures treasure great affords,  
To all of several tongues, of sundry Realms.  
For low and simple spirits shallow Fords,  
For high and learned Doctors deeper streams,  
In every part so exquisitely made,  
An Elephant may swim, a Lamb may wade.  
Not that all should with barbarous audacity,  
Read what they list, and how they list expound,  
But each one suiting to his weak capacity:  
For many great Scriptureans may be found,  
That cite Saint Paul at every bench and board,  
And have God's word, but have not God the word.   

84 The Author to his wife: a rule for praying.  
MY dear, that in your closet for devotion,  
To kindle in your breast some godly motion,  
You contemplate, and oft your eyes do fix  
On some Saint's picture, or the Crucifix;  
'tis not amiss, be it of stone or mettle,  
It serveth in thy mind good thoughts to settle;  
Such images may serve thee as a book,  
Whereon thou mayst with godly reverence look,  
And thereby thy remembrance to acquaint,  
With life or death, or virtue of the Saint.  
Yet do I not allow thou kneel before it,  
Nor would I in no wise you should adore it.  
For as such things well used, are clean and holy,  
So superstition soon may make it folly.  
All images are scorned and quite dis-honoured,  
If the Prototype be not solely honoured.  
I keep thy picture in a golden shrine,  
And I esteem it well, because 'tis thine;  
But let me use thy picture ne'er so kindly,  
'Twere little worth, if I used thee unkindly.  
Sith then, my dear, our heavenly Lord above  
Vouchsafeth unto ours to like his love:  
So let us use his picture, that therein,  
Against himself we do commit no sin;  
Nor let us scorn such pictures, nor deride them,  
Like fools, whose zeal mistaught, cannot abide them.  
But pray, our hearts, by faith's eyes be made able  
To see, what mortal eyes see on a Table.  
A man would think, one did deserve a mock,  
Should say, Oh heavenly Father, to a stock;  
Such a one were a stock, I strait should gather,  
That would confess a stock to be her Father.   

85 Poenitentia poenitenda: Of a penitent Friar.  
BOund by his Church, and Trentin Catechism,  
To vow a single life, a cloistered Friar,  
Had got a swelling, called a Priapism,  
Which seld is swag'd, but with a female fire.  
The Leech (as oftentimes Physicians use)  
To cure the corpse, not caring for the soul,  
Prescribes a cordial medicine from the Stews,  
Which lewd prescript, the Patient did condole:  
Yet strong in Faith, and being loath to die,  
And knowing that extremes yield dispensation,  
He is resolved, and doth the medicine try:  
Which being done, he made such lamentation,  
That divers thought he was fallen in despair,  
And therefore for his confirmation prayed.  
But when that they had ended quite their prayer;  
After long silence, thus to them he said:  
I wail not, that I think my fact so vicious;  
Nor am I in despair: no, never doubt it;  
But feeling female flesh is so delicious,  
I wail, to think I lived so long without it.   

86 Of a picture with a ferry-man rowing in a tempest, with two Ladies in his boat, whereof he loved one, but she disdained him, and the other loved him, but he not her: now a voice came to his ear, that to save his boat from being cast away, he must drown one of the Ladies: in which perplexity he speaketh these passions.  
IN troublous seas of love, my tender boat,  
By Fates decree, is still tossed up and down,  
Ready to sink, and may no longer float,  
Except of these two Damsels one I drown.  
I would save both: but ah, that may not be:  
I love the tone, the tother loveth me.  
here the vast waves are ready me to swallow.  
There danger is to strike upon the shelf.  
Doubtful I swim between the deep and shallow,  
To save th'ungrate, and be ungrate myself.  
Thus seem I by the ears to hold a wolf,  
While fain I would eschew this gaping gulf.  
But since loves actions, guided are by passion,  
And quenching doth augment her burning fuel,  
Adieu, thou Nymph, deserving most compassion,  
To merit mercy, I must show me cruel.  
Ask you me why? oh question out of season!  
Love never leisure hath to render reason.   

87 The old man's choice.  
LEt sovereign Reason, sitting at the stern,  
And far removing all eye-blinding passion,  
Censure the due desert with judgement clear,  
And say, The cruel merit no compassion.  
Live then, kind Nymph, and joy we two together:  
Farewell th'unkind, and all unkind go with her.   

88 In Philautum.  
YOur verses please your Reader oft, you vaunt it:  
If you yourself do read them oft, I grant it.   

89 To an old Bachelor.  
YOu praise all women: well, let you alone,  
Who speaks so well of all, thinks well of none.   

90 Of two that were married and undone.  
A Fond young couple, making haste to marry,  
Without their parents will, or friends consent,  
After one month their marriage did repent,  
And sued unto the Bishop's Ordinary,  
That this their act so undiscreetly done,  
Might by his more discretion be undone.  
Upon which motion he awhile did pause:  
At length, he for their comforts to them said,  
It had been better (friends) that you had stayed:  
But now you are so hampered in the Laws,  
That I this knot may not untie (my son)  
Yet I will grant you both shall be undone.   

91 In commendation of a straw, written at the request of a great Lady, that ware a straw Hat at the Court.  
I Vowed to write of none but matters serious,  
And lawful vows to break, a great offence;  
But yet, fair Ladies hests are so imperious,  
That with all Vows, all Laws they can dispense:  
Then yielding to that all-commanding Law,  
My Muse must tell some honour of a straw.  
Not of jack Straw, with his rebellious crew,  
That set King, Realm, and Laws at hab or nab,  
Whom London's worthy Mayor so bravely slew,  
With dudgeon daggers honourable stab,  
That his successors for that service loyal,  
Have yet reward with blow of weapon royal.  
Nor will I praise that fruitless straw or stubble,  
Which built upon most precious stones foundation:  
When fiery trials come, the bvilder's trouble,  
Though some great builders build of such a fashion,  
To learned Androes, that much better can,  
I leave that stubble, fire, and straw to scan.  
Now lift I with Philosophers to range,  
In searching out, (though I admire the reason)  
How simpathising properties most strange,  
Keep contraries in straw, so long a season.  
Ye, snow, fruits, fish, moist things, & dry & warm,  
Are long preserved in straw, with little harm.  
But let all Poets my remembrance wipe,  
From out their books of Fame, for ever during,  
If I forget to praise our Oaten pipe,  
Such Music, to the Muses all procuring:  
That some learned ears preferred it have before  
Both Orpharyon, Viol, Lute, Bandore.  
Now if we lift more curiously examine,  
To search in straw some profitable points,  
Bread hath been made of straw in time of famine,  
In cutting off the tender knotted joints:  
But yet remains one praise of straw to tell,  
Which all the other praise doth far excel.  
That straw, which men, & beasts, & fowls have scorned,  
Hath been by curious Art, and hand industrious  
So wrought, that it hath shadowed, yea adorned  
A head and face of beauty and birth illustrious.  
Now praise I? No, I envy now thy bliss,  
Ambitious straw, that so high placed is.  
What Architect this work so strangely matched?  
An ivory house, doors, rubies, windows touch  
A gilded roof, with straw all overthatcht.  
Where shall pearl bide, when place of straw is such?  
Now could I wish, alas, I wish too much,  
I might be straw-drawne to that lively Tuch.  
But herein we may learn a good example,  
That virtuous Industry their worth can raise,  
Whom slanderous tongues tread under foot & trample.  
This told my Muse; and strait she went her ways:  
Which (Lady) if you seriously allow,  
It is no toy, nor have I broke my vow.   

92 In Romam.  
HAte, and debate, Rome through the world hath  
Yet Roma Amor is, if backward read.  
Then is't not strange Rome hate should foster? No: spread,  
For out of backward love, all hate doth grow.   
FINIS.