ULYSSES upon Ajax. Written by Misodiaboles to his friend Philaretes. Printed at London, for Thomas Gubbins. 1596. Misodiaboles the worshipful, to Misacmos the right worshipful. MIsacmos, I have spent 3. days in idle hours, to examine the months of your meditations on a loathsome Ajax, and I find them so unsavoury, as it is impossible for you to be a saver by them: your pen hath dropped excrements, and you cannot wipe them clean with your wit. Alas, that so long filled, should so filthily be defiled: you have spent labour without reason, and are seen for a spectacle of folly, to those that cannot see without their spectacles. Because the world laughs, you think it applauds: but the most part that outwardly smile, do inwardly pity. A good wit, and a gross subject, so much I allow you: but if your ambition must needs climb, it is more comely in a courteors' habit, then in a fools antic. That I see your imperfections, I make yourself judge: that I pity your errors, my sparing reproof may assure you. That I am ambitious as yourself, I protest it, with discretion: yet it grieves me that two good wits should wrestle for a dunghill. Come come witty Misacmos, overlook how I have looked over you. If this April shower cleanse you, I will forbear the tempest. For as I am a German in nature (who hate detractions) so can I be both a Molossian & Melitean dog, as occasions are offered me. Would Misacmos be famous? why I yield him the means: he is a courtier in regard, I a courtier in hope: he rich in ancient demesne, I in good demesne: he sprightly and witty; I diligent & pleasant: a lady blest his children, and God and our Lady my Lady mother's sons: he a Lincoln's Inn man, I belonging to Lincoln. If any odds be, he hath the interest of money, I of Reading. Now sir: if from the means of a privy, he will become a public gentleman, after this assault, let him bury his Ajax in a dunghill. Then perusing his books, walking in his suit of Abrizetta, eating fat Capons, & Venison, and drinking pure hippocras, let him make election of his readings, and choose out a probable Subject, have with him from a fart, to all arts, I refuse no encounter: let us jest like gentlemen, argue like scholars, be pleasant without ●…ailing, that good wits may gather treasures from our travels, & ourselves eternity by well deserving: If you rise by my fall, I think my fall happy to make you rise: and if it be your destiny to sink in the incountry, though the desert be wholly mine, I give you the half of the glory. If Ajax were the froth of your wit, let it die, as to weak for my forces, and if one Cullis of conceit be left, yet play not the gormand, let the world have part with you. Take the choice of the weapon, I offer every advantage: if you will strive in wit, I am merry without detraction: but if you play the scold in steed of a scholar, I protest it will grieve me: for I know the Echo of my wrongs will make double report in your ears: for renewing my disgrace, you may live in your dishonours. Come, let's walk through virtues temple, and so sacrifice to Honour: and if Romans observed that custom, let Christians use it. Otherwise, both of us may say as the duke of Northumberland did to the lord Grace, as they rid through Shoreditch; The people press to see us, but none say, God speed us, Pauca sapienti, I leave you to your sops and muscadine. Protesting that if any offence come, it shall be by your seeking. Misodiaboles. Misodiaboles and his opinion of Misacmos and his metamorphosed Ajax, written to his dear and learned friend Master Philaretes. PHilaretes upon your entreaty and in satisfaction of my promise, I have perused Misacmos and his metamorphosed Ajax, and not only pleasantly overlooked it and laughed at it myself: But also communicated and commended the work to the censure of many learned and discreet gentlemen; who (to be plain with you) after they had red and conceited it, thought Auban: lib: 1 ca: 6. de omni gent. rit. & morib. it worthy no better usage than the brides have among the Nasamones a people of Africa, who the first day of their marriage are both used, abused, and defiled by all the guests and strangers that accompany the festival. One said (as Apollidorus did of Chrysippus works) that if other men's sentences were taken out of his book, the rest would be fit for nothing but waste paper. An other that he Bouchet au 3. Seree. had played as mad a prank as the malcontented fish wife in Bouchet, who under pretence to shame others that had shrewdly angered her, turned up her naked tail in the market place to show the dominical letter B in her buttocks. An other said that as (according to Aubanus) Aethiopia was mountainous toward Auban lib. 1. cap: 4 Horace. Mou●… corn●… cula risum nudata furtivis coloribus. Plin. cap: 21. lib. 〈◊〉 the west, sandy in the midst; and desert in the east: So this book was full of ostentation and protestation in the end, barren in the midst, and dull in the beginning. Another compared it to Horace crow decked with many sethers. An other to the herb Ferula which is only a pleasant food for asses, but a poison to all other beasts. There were some that said that Misacmos wit was lighter than Archestratus body: yet Mercurial: lib: de decorat: cap. 8. both Aelian and Atheneus say this of him; That being taken by his enemies, and weighed in a balance, he and his prophesying spirit were lighter than a halfpenny. All which judgements as I commend them not for true, so I condemn them not for false, but only leave them to his defying, and defining, who would feign sweeten A●…iax by his wit and authority. Touching mine own opinion (because you expect it, and the world may throughlie know it) I will observe Plato's law in it, and so apply my words to the subject, that I may rather seem an apt and modest pleasant in writing truth, than a foul mouth Critic in reproving bitterly, (not being untaught Gregor. in Ezechiel: lib. 1 Homel. 21 Ecce hoc est magisterium disciplinae, ut culpis & discrete ●…ou erit parcere, & pie resecare. by Gregory descreetelle to spare, and aptly to reprehend offences): Yet would Philaretes should know, (because these times expect it) that as I will forbear 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and detraction as a fault; so (in as much as the obscenity of the subject will suffer me) will I observe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 (pleasant and scholarlike urbanity) which was admitted among the Grecians, and commended in Cicero. Thus therefore in short touching this mouldy Metamorphosis: It is an affectation of singularity; a fruit of discontent; a superfluity of wanton wit; a madding with reason; a diligence without judgement; a work fit for Volumnius the jester not Misacmos the courteous. In form contrary to all rules of science: In matter undecent, filthy and immodest: and touching the authorities, they are so weak and so wrested, as no chaste or christian ear may in reason endure them, which if I prove not by reason as I profess in words, let Philaretes disclaim me for his friend, and Misacmos shake hands with me for a fool; This is fair play my masters when I use friends with this equality. Touching the form, Perseus' scar sits in Misacmos' forehead; Scal. lib. poet. 3. cap. 98. Ostentat obstrusam eruditionem, he labours to show much reading & profound learning: and beside that is too formal which is no less grace in him then it was in the Nun who (to cover her naked top from two Friars whom she let into her monastery) hastily discovered her tail, cum multis alijs quae nunc perscribore longum est. Shall I rip up obscenity in words as filthy as ever Juvenal used? shall I say that in detracting, and taxing sins, he instructeth them? ah 'las no, the world sees it, and as the welsh man said of the Comedy before the Queen, I laugh, my cozen Peter laugh, Davie ap powel laugh, and the Queen laugh, what a Hysteron Proteron is here to show the laughing at a forced folly, a dull jest, and his idleness? Well on afore (quoth Susembrotus. the procession) hold up your torches for dropping, we shall have more mirth at our next meeting. Where left I? at the stool? no let Misacmos see to it, it was in the form, so so now let us descend to the subject: Subiectumcirca quod, subauditur Ajax. Then Ajax is the subject: In good time say, but which Ajax I pray you, was it that Ajax Telamonius, who won honour by his courage, and madness by his discontent? whose mind too great for his fortune, made his passion too strong for his reason? Toto erras coelo, he hath no need to be so mannerly. Oh I conceive him, I conceive him, he abhors Equivocations it is a jakes in deed that he meaneth without all saving your reverence: Who persuades him to this Paradox? Tarlton's authority, and his cousin's encouragement. Go to, the first died; a fool for his labour, the next may smell of it while he lives, and howsoever Misacmos stir him in the service, it will be but a stinking stir though he stir whilst he stifle. I, but many have writ of worse subjects, and why not he of this? A good reason, learned be that conclusion in Cambridge? Faith it shall never do him credit, no more than did the Curates Argument, who applied the authority of his Horse against those that denied purgatory. Fie fie, who knows not this, that an evil custom is no instance for an other to follow it? and that it is too weak an answer in a wanton, to excuse herself by saying, forsooth my mistress taught it me? Men are richest in infirmity, and weakest in foresight, apt to entertain privy pleasures, ignorant to reform them, who therefore limiteth his studies by others industries, and rather observeth what other men do, than what he ought to do; rolleth Sisyphus stone to his own misery, and is foolishly diligent to register his own infirmities. A 'las alas hath the good gentleman no friends to tell him this, that it is better to suffer a few surfeit in their own sins, then for him to communicate with them in their courses, causes and shame? I will talk with his friend, & mine, (the Chaplain of Lincons' Inn) about this point, and he shall inform him. Now sir, what is next? The petiagree of Ajax, prevented with the authority of Rabbelais, (a condemned Atheist by the last counsel of Trent) and some course fictions (as filthy as jyllyan of Braindfords' farts,) wherein (as the vomit of a corrupt and envious mind:) Holinsheds Chronicle hath a quip, and Hale the old Counsellor hath a lie for his labour. Well well, it were good Misacmos considered this of Plautus. Plaut. in Bacaludib. Eia Lide leniter qui saeviunt sapiunt magis. Plaut in Bucaludib. Mercurial. lib. de deco. rat. cap. 8. The bush that lente him a thorn to prick them, will afford a thousand to gall him, except he be as fat as Nichomachus of Smirna, who could not feel a pin thrust into his buttocks, or stir nor touch his back parts he was so gross in the belly. To the pedigree the pedigree, for there is the mystery (the misery Il a trouue le febue au gaste ●…u. I should say, and the spruce of much idleness:) Stercutius or Saturn the great grandfather: how prove you this? he first brought up in Italy the dunging and mannuring of earth, Ergo he is grandfather to Ajax: I deny the argument. By whom shall it be tried? by the old Tusean husbandmen at this day, and those in Romagna and about Rome, who being taught by Saturn the trimming of their vines, have likewise learned to fatten their mould by burning them after the time of their vintage: Would not this puzzle Misacmos' invention Philaretes if it were well followed? He is a Lincoln's Inn man, a toward fellow, Ralph Wilbram the pleasant witted Barister knows him, and for his sake in perpetuam hominis imbecillitatem (memoriam, I should have said) I remit it. On a god's name, Quidnovarum rerum, what new matter followeth? Lies worse than Lucian's, which being affected are more ill favoured, and howsoever he understand Omne verbum otiosum quod lo cutifuerint homines, etc. them, he shall not be able to stand under them: Verba otiosa, idle words, which (if the Apostle fail not) must be soundly answered for; not spirando ambitionem in a latin style, sed lamentando incuriam, before a severe judge. Songs worse than the Priapies of Virgil forbidden by Plato in his fourth book of laws, and by the law of the twelve tables condemned among the Ethnique Romans; A song not less filthy than that Tertulian in Apologia Eusebius, Nicephorus li. 1. Ciril. epi. 20. 6 inter epistolas Augustini. Gregory's limitation of the defence o song. which the Pagans used in the primitive Church, or more prodigious than that for which Cirils kinsman was condemned to hell fire: A song wherein words are idle, wanting both rationem iustae necessitatis & intentionem piae utilitatis, the reason of just necessity, and intention of godly profit. What's the hymn? Suitable absurdity to the song; a preposterous show of reading, where notwithstanding there appeareth some error, (in dividing Aetius the heretic from Atheos,) if ancient and ecclesiastical histories may be believed. Touching the etymologies of Ajax, what think you of them? Faith they are trivial, the froth of witty john watson's idle jests, I heard them in Paris 14. years ago: beside, what balductum play is not full of them, as this? Nose quasi no hose, Capon, quasi cap one, I would Misacmos would be covered: who lives not could not add more if he made profession to be idle. Rumsey, my Lord of Pembroke's jester is full of them, if Misacmos want copy, he will instruct him. For his friend Philostilpnos, (with whose name he endeth this unsavered induction) I would feign know his godfathers to chide them for his bringing up: for he hath raised up a scent) by his encouragement) far worse than the Pope's legate, who brought the last jubilee into France; who fearing the Pages, who by custom bustled about him to divide his Canipie, and suspecting Treason among them; suddenly laid that you wots of in his breeches, enough I warrant you to feast Ajax for one meal if he were a hungry. I am thus pleasant contrary to my custom, to let Misacmos know his own counterfeit in my Plut. Tom. 1. in vit. licurg. fol, 118. glass, using therein the customs of the Spartans, who (to bring their children in hatred of drunkenness,) caused their slaves to drink great store of wine, and in their presence to sing illiberal, and lascivious songs, & use antic & filthy actions, knowing that example as it breedeth encouragement, so it yieldeth and enforceth shame. Thus much for this Philaretes, now descend we to the rest. Misodiabolês' examination of Misacmos authorities, and arguments. 1 Wherein he findeth scriptures abused profanely, 2 Learned men reproved unjustly, 3 And observations employed wickedly. Sic tres sequuntur tria. nick Beomond (a witty and pleasant gallant) being one day invited to a rich gentleman's table, who took delight to hear himself speak, perceiving many matters begun by him, and no man suffered to answer, at last (with a knock or Aut Tussi, aut crepitu, a man may fart by authority of Erasmus. a hem to make the thing mannerly) he let me a round crack that was heard throughout the company, which the host stomaching and the rest merely laughing at, tut tut said he (to the gentleman) you must not be angry, for if you will not hear us at one end you shall not choose but both hear and smell us at the other. In like sort (if not less cleanly) doth Misacmos handle the world, who perceiving some his precedent works either by wisdom obscured, or reason contemned; his Ariosto bawdy, condemned by a counsel: his translation barren & servile (such as Horace disdaineth) seeing the world so full of Horat. lib. de. art. poet. Nec verbum verbo curabis reddere fidus Interpres mark this Misacmos. good wits generally red and applauded, and himself so unworthy as he cannot be heard; in a malcontented humour in stead of a witty treatise, hath turned me out to light his unsavored Ajax; which howsoever clothed like an ape in purple (as he himself confesseth) and perfumed with his jests (which would make a man smell though he were of Alexander's complexion) is worse and more stinking then Beamondes fart (by three ounces of Troy weight) though himself hold the balance and poise them. For which cause how happy had he been, if in steed of Cloacina, he had honoured and sacrificed to Numa's goddess Tacita, since Plutarch To●… in vita Nun: in his silence he had proved wise, where in his discourse he is condemned for inconsiderate: And in him rightly appeareth the misery of the curious, (and the mark of folly, whereby men were signed after Adam's fall,) who biting his fingers, beating his brains, losing his repose, and scantling his repast, to attain an opinion of desert in the world; hath condemned himself, in censuring others, gathered a handful of evil wind, to lose it in a breath of short life, being sure to leave nothing eternal after him, but his ambition without measure, his envy without reason, and his labour without fruit: which that your judgement may apprehend, as my words do express it, consider wisely what I writ, whilst I set down faithfully that which I have Grego. in Izechi. lib. 1. ●…o. 7 considered. It is Gregory's opinion that a good work must have discreet eyes: And Scaliger thinks it is the better half of the felicity in a poem to have a good subject: for who so employeth his wit to invent, and his pen to set down, a frivolous matter in good words, fareth like yoonge children, that score out their castle in the sand, which are defaced with every breath of wind. Witte, and folly drawing in a yoke, reason's chariot is overturned; and a curious workman carving a knotty timber, shall have toil without end, for his election without judgement: A croopt shoulder is a blemish how soever it be boulstered, and who paints an old face, shall hardly hide the wrinkles. Such a subject is only sit for a virtuous and learned Misacmos, as in his own naked perfection (like Architas the musicians Lute) can speak for his own Master. Doth not he want election that in a whole field of corn picks out one cockle to labour on? and wants he not discretion, that having a whole field of virtue before him, philosophies of either kind, sciences of great observation, wordly casualties to merease judgement, alteration and disposition of policy (an excellent subject) had rather with Daphidas be held a railer, with Menedemus a seller of trifles, with the fools of the world, a loser of time; then with the learned Timon. de Mened. Ille supercilium tollens & vendere nugas etc. of his coat, an honour of his Country? Ah 'las for this man, who taketh glory to boast of that filthiness which brute beasts (by natural instinct) after they have purged themselves do cover. What judgement hath this man that strives to find a law of reason, against the law of reverence? Children disabled to help themselves, are notwithstanding taught by their nurses to give modest warning; and those of discreet years (though never so unnurtured) find many necessities of nature to be done, that are not plainly to be talked off. A circumlocution and a blush is sufficient to interpret a filthy necessity, whereas he that taketh pleasure in speaking that which infirmity forceth or lust draweth him to do, shall have a tongue worse than his tail, though the worst of the tail be the T, with his compliments: Shall I be pleasant a while and trifle like Misacmos, and wax as impudent at he was that showed his tail to the Senate, Consuls, & Praetors in judgement? Not no neighbours not so, but as cleanly as we can (quoth the maid when she wypt her dishes with the dogs tail.) What think you of this jest my masters? give your opinion of their cleanliness. A certain grocers wife walking through the streets, (and holding up her gown behind her, because the weather was dirty,) met with a merry companion; who desirous to laugh and be fat, spurred her after his merry manner this homely question; Mistress said he I pray you sell me some of your spices whilst your hand is in the box. To whom she answered; (trussing up her gown more higher;) Sir if you have a months mind to them, put your hand into the box, and boldly take them: Was not this more seemly for her to answer then with Misacmos flatly to have told all to her utter discredit? What think you of this likewise? Did not the husband talk more seemly, that said an old ship is always leaky, then if he had said in Misacmos broad language) his wise had bepissed the bed? I could tell you more as he hath done (out of that most learned author the book of merry tales from whence his best jests are derived) but that as the old Manciple of Brasennose College in Oxford was wont to say; There are more fools to meet with. Lucius Catiline accused by Marcus, Cicero for raising a flame in the City, I believe it said he, and if I Valerius: lib. 9 cap. 11. cannot extinguish it with water, I will with ruin: Into the like intemperance is Misacmos fallen, who having kindled a fire of folly by publishing his filthy Ajax, since he cannot colour it with modesty, will countenance it with wrested or wicked authorities (whereby religion is soon ruinated.) But as the Bee looseth his life by employing his sting to wound others, so shall the world easily perceive that the sword whereby he defendeth himself shallbe his own death, and those authorities and arguments (whereby he seeketh to entangle others) are the verie-nets, traps, and toils to ensnare himself. To beat out therefore a plain path in tracting whereof we may easily discover his treatcherie, consider a while in Misacmos his reasons & authorities. How approveth he the praising or writing upon Ajax? Marry thus; Men once in 24. hours visit him, if they be in health, Ergo the homlimes of the name, & praise of the same may be borne withal, temples to be raised, genealogies to be reckoned up, Aetimologies to be sought, Hymns and Dirges to be devised, filthy and immodest jests to he used, etc. Non sequitur, non sequitur, you may be ashamed of it: Corrumpunt bonos mores colloquia prava, Paul. 〈◊〉. ad Corin. cap. 8. evil words corrupt good manners, (saith both Paul and Menander); how brooks Misacmos that counterbuff? very easily: The intent of the speaker maketh them bad. Pardon me, pardon me, Paul saith the word, not the intent. Intent is the corruption of the heart, but words the poison of the tongue. Go to, go to, let us grant that out of the abundance of the heart the tongue speaketh, and that men form their bad words according to their depraved thoughts. Now tell me this; whether a child yoonge in years, toward in apprehension, dearly beloved by his parents, cockered by his mother, learneth his swearing, idle speaking, cursings and blasphemies, by the evil intent, base mind, or filthy conceit of his father, (perhaps breaking out into such impieties in his choler) or by the words spoken, undoubtedly no ways intended by him to deprave his child? In deed that's somewhat more than his host told him; But let it be, let it be, (said the maid when the yoonge man kissed her,) we must have matters of more weight to work upon Misacmos. Now therefore consider his groundwork and positions: The use of homely words saith he, is to be borne with in necessary matters: How proves he that? Esay compareth our justice panno menstruatae, the scripture useth, Anos aureos; the Psalm percussit eos in posteriora: Exodus of Stigma, or Prepuce, Paul of Stercora, Saul went into a cave, ut purgaret ventrem. Therefore Misacmos may write of Aiaxes, because a necessary matter; writ of shitting, because a necessary matter, let him beshit the canvas that concludes so, though he stood to be proctor; For the words precedent and afore alleged, as they be in the scriptures, are, (as Misacmos implieth and confesseth) properly to beat down sin and sensuality, but not lewdly to be inverted by him in maintenance of his scurrility and ribaldry. For if he consider the scriptures as he ought, and deeply weigh with the fathers, that the most words have their mysteries; he shall find, this dragging of verbal scriptures unchristian like into his cause, is a very prank of Arius; Qui verba scripturarum simplicia sicuti in eyes expressa reperiuntur, itidem ut diabolus assimulavit. Who like the devil sinfully wrested the simple words of the scripture, as they are expressed in the same (if Eusebius lie not;) who ever of all the fathers hath taken on him this custom? who ever this looseness of liberty? who ever this lightness of vanities. Augustine he sayeth, that when any thing is found in the history of the sacred scriptures, that seemeth absurd or contrary to good manners, the historical sense is to be left, and the metaphorical and mixed, is to be embraced; and the reason is, because the sacred history containeth nothing which is not true, and consonant and agreeable with good manners: and an other (agreeing therein, with Isodorus) saith S. August. lib. 3. de doct. Christ. cap. 5. & 1. Isodore. lib. 1. de sum. bone cap. 9 Nich. de Blo. ser. 38. D. Oportet sic historam tenere, so ought we to keep the history, as that we interpret it morally, and understand it spiritually: who therefore dealeth otherwise, by the general consent of the fathers, may be termed a rash man in applying scripture in that manner, which perverteth the nature, order and meaning of the same. Ah 'las for Misacmos, (I mean, not a lass for his bed, but ah 'las for his folly,) let him leave his building gay Privies, and get him good masters: for it is more necessary to fill the head with true knowledge and christian learning, then to empty the belly of loathsome excrements: Out upon this wresting, it drives all wit out of harmony. Then pray Misacmos to leave it, for I swear to him he shall never get three bishoprics in one year, as Woolsey did for this doctrine, why this is worse than welchin steed of Hebrew in Doctor Propriums' sermon. Nomo contra unanimem consensum patrum ipsam scripturam sacram allegare audeat: (saith the counsel of Trent,) Let no man dare allege the holy scriptures contrary to the general consent of the fathers. Tut Misacmos cares not for them they are too precise for his purpose. Let Gregory (in his seventh homely on Ezechiell) say the scripture in words containeth Pal: de figure: sacrae Bib. mysteries; Let Paleologus vow that the whole body of historical scripture is a school of moral discipline, and hidden doctrine; but he is a dunce. Let Jerome talk of Anagogia, Tropologia and Allegoria, which united (with history,) Jerome ad paul. contain the whole matter of the Bible. Let him say of Deuteronomie, that it is evangelicae legis' praefiguratio; of Esay and jeromie, Quis potest intelligere vel exprimere? It matters not for the words, Misacmos will abuse them, he will dignify his Ajax by disgracing your scripture. But hark I pray you Philaretes what Jerome concludeth, Haeresis dicitur Graece ab electione eo quod sibi came eligat disciplinam quam putat esse meliorem. Quicunque igitur scripturam vel scripturae verba intelligit aliter, quam spiritus sanctus efflagitat a quo scriptura est, licet ab Ecclesia non recessit, tamen Haereticus appellari potest. Heresy the Jerome super Gal. Greek word (saith he) is so called of election, because he that is infected therewith, chooseth unto himself that kind of doctrine which in his own opinion he supposeth to be best, whosoever therefore shall otherwise understand either the scripture, or the words thereof, than the holy Ghost requireth (from whom the scripture is derived) although he hath not departed from the Church, yet may he be called an heretic. Let Misacmos gather how he list upoon this, he shall find the Puntilio of his hononr blunted, which trust me, of set purpose, I handle thus in clouds without grating him to the quick, because as Socrates did in Alcibiades, Effulgentem & magnum video testimonium eruditionis & aegregiae indolis, Let him construe this if he list, lest the world should suspect what I mean not. Now Sir if we descend to Cloacina (first deified or defied by Tatius●…,) what shall we say? but that in his readings he hath curiously observed matters of less respect, and forgotten things of most decorum. For when Romulus and this (draft deify) the one Captain of the Romans, the other of the Sabines were ready to wage battle, and by the entreaty of Hersitia and other ladies the accord and league of peace was then concluded; A law was made in honour of them as Plutarch witnesseth. Ne ijs praesentibus quicquam obsoeni diceretur; That no filthy or immodest speech should be used in their presence Now, sir, had he marked and noted this privieledge, as he was diligent in observing the other, he had been more sparing in his lose speech, being taught modesty by the very Ethniques themselves. And surely I think in my conscience it was a chief cause why Romulus left Tatius death unrevenged, because he was so superstitions in deifying a draft house. But perhaps he hath red all this and would observe none of it. Then may I sat with Valerius, Quod rectum sit scit, sed id facere negligit: He knoweth that which is right, but he neglecteth to do it; His Emblem and Elegy are pretty, and I have red far wittier and better pend without the picture of a fellow in a square cap, skummering at a pri●… u●…e. And touching his observation of pictures, what should I say in his commendation, but this. He hath prettily observed absurdities; But should he pay for them as sound as Captane Chevilles soldier did in Burbonois, he would beware of writing of shitten fingers, whilst he lived. Which is his next descent? For sooth to Poets, Tireea quatre chevar. and who marcheth foremost to fight the battle for him? Martial: Oh ho I know wherefore he preferreth him so much, it is because he red a Chapter De Cunilinguis to him; he is very much beholding I promise you: But what is this Martial? Faith a good wit ill employed like himself. This is he, (I speak it in his commendations) that writ epigrams of Aethons' farting in the capitol, of his boys kiss; This is the encourager of lechery, in victor, Misacmos need Lib. 2. Epig. 78 lib: 11. Epig. 11. not fear to allege him about Cacacanit, that gloried to fill emperors ears with flattery, bawdry and Sodomy. vaugh spurciciem, nugas. It is pity that as in Catalogina, there is a law, that every Cuckold should pay a fine or tribute; So among us there is not a statute that such as teach such filthiness, should be publicly punished. I will not examine the Epigrams, for they are too obscene to be looked upon; and who so rubbeth stinking weeds, shall have filthy fingers. (Moor) ingenious, though too ressolute, whose learning deserved a better death, and whose death was accompanied with heroic constancy. (Look how this Toad sucketh poison from the pleasant wit.) But he that found the Merda, let him take it; and he that wresteth the Crepitus so crookedly, let him use it for a gale of his good fortune, till it blow him to Cloacinas temple. For master Davies epigram, I hold it for prittilie impure, yet two bows and a half short of the clout Haewod stuck in: and (by the way for yourself) a Young that will be old, (saith thus) in behalf of old Young that except you presently put one a habit of more conformity, if some his enemies may promote you, you shall be the next dog shall be sacrifisd in the Lupercalia, and therefore provide yourself for it; (except you get a bettertong into you head; or a modester pen in your hand.) Whither now Misacmos? Cannot he who for piety is matchless, in learning peerless, whose judgement his friends admire, and enemies wonder at: cannot a spirit so heavenly, a father so reverend, a Muse so sacred, escape your censure? Stoop and shroud you night bird, when this sun shineth; he that clotheth religion with simplicity and truth, climbeth highest by his humility, groweth learned in his zeal, and waxeth famous by his diligence, may laugh at you, (whilst like the Wolf you bark against the Moon) but you can not bite him. Come come, a poor spring, said by the Ocean of his wit: a little sparkle gathered from his divine flame; a very worm of wit, a puney of Oxford, shall make you more hateful than Battalus the huugry fiddler for this presumption. Italici Angaei stabulum faedumque cloacam. Discit enim ci tius miminisque libentius illud Quod quis de ridet quam quod probat & veneratur. A te purgari Romanaque 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 tolli. What fault is here? Forsooth an unapt metaphor. O gross, peevish & blind absurdity! I challenge thee from the French to the Spanish; the Italian to the Latin; the Greek to the Hebrew: Run me over the whole library of bawdry, thy legends of Athiesme, and prove me one metaphor better applied, and thou shalt be privy to me in my next necessities. What fit metaphor for so corrupt traditions, as our Church at this day acknowledgeth, (the Church of Rome to yield?) which if it be glorious in so sacred and matchless a maiden Princess, to exhaust and ou erthrow; it shall be no indignity in her to admit the metaphor, (especially since) with such decorum and art, he hath couched it, as had Moor, Haiwoode, and the rest observed; Misacmos might be ashamed to allege them. And what is that think you? He hath used Inu●…nals modest moderation including that in Scal. lib. Po●…. 3●… Cap. 98. a Greek garment, which otherwise in his own tongue would seem uncomely. But in this you far like him I have read of in an author of yours, who beginning to read a certain work of Erasmus entitled Moria, and having such a Lege the book of merry tales, Tale 130. F learn to quote your plac●…. shallow wit as Misacmos hath, cast away the book, fearing he should fall into some heresy, because the style was so high. I mean not that great style into Mar●…bone Park, near which the two Heroical and manly Knights fought there Duellum: but Erasmus style which Misacmos hath prettily met with, if he had some of his pith and matter. How proceedeth he now? forsooth he heapeth on history. To what purpose? to prove certain Emperors murdered privily, or at a privy, or in a lakes, or at a jakes; yet can I Lib Cro●… cum figure. tell him this, that the jakes Heliogabalus, (the last of the Antonini) was dragged thorough per scurras, was per cloacaes by the sinks of Room, and through the streets of Room, without all paraquestions quoth Tarlton, neither hath his knowledge attained all the secret of history on this subject beside Bassianus; but that some of as serious observation are left for me: as that trajan the Just of so famous memory, and Henry the seventh King of the Romans', both died of the Discenteria alias dictus the laxative flux. Nabuchadonoser likewise gave Zedechias (after he had made him dance and play before him a long while) a laxative drink, so that like a beaslly old fellow (as there are many According to an old ballad, and ●…ll to be shit was he was he such betwixt York and London) totus deturpatus fuit he smelled as ill as your Ajax. Thus may Misacmos see that other men have examples of sent, (I would say sense) as well as he, yet will I subscribe to him the dignity in all things. First I acknowledge him as deep a Philosopher as Me●…rocles who could never argue without farting. I will set to my hand that he is well seen in a hawks muting. Lastly I beseech Master Dalton to set up his name in Lineolnes' In privy, and register him there among the dirty writers of his time in steed of a bastard Chronicle, because in his book, modesty is as hard to be found as Adulteries in Sparta; and this done: O vos de Croidon oh vos de rust●…o Ro●…don, Bibite blakciackos pre gaudio soluite sackos. Nay we will have yerses to which a dog shall not interpret: Here let the people laugh, for here make I my breathing point. Misodiaboles Perfume for filthy smells, containing a mad Purge for Misacmos' Lunacy of wit. LIke as a good foldier in the beginning of a fight, first sendeth out his light armed wings to begin the skirmish, and after bringeth on the battle, wherein consisteth the force of his good fortune; so Misacmos (having distasted us at first with certain homely fictions & uncivell Epigrams) now marcheth forth mainly with his Tatius, Tarquin, Claudius, Vespasian, trajan, Priscus, and Hercules, by whose laws, proclamations, letters, and decrees, he laboureth to approve, how carefully they provided, and diligently employed both their time & treasures, for the building with great state, and the ordering without annoyances, of vaults, common shores, & sinks: but without all contradiction privies. Touching which, as I consent with him in the three first, so with the old dunce (johannes de Portu Hibernico) Credo quod haud, concerning the last. For though (besides Dollabellas' caution, the office of trium hominum, & many of that kind) I find care & diligent provision made for the common shores: yet in particular name I am sure (except Misacmos himself be interpreter) his foul breathed Ajax was never provided for. But I see now it fareth with him as with subtle sophisters, who wanting matter to work upon, do cavil upon words: For what signifieth this Cloaca, on which he so much worketh? fetch him Cooper (that learned father of famous memory) his Thomas Thomasius (a diligent furtherer of good studies,) not with fie, fa, fough, a smells, but in plain dealing: What say they of Cloaca? a channel, a gutter, a sink of a town, Cloacale flumen, besides (as Ulpian testifieth) there was Cloacarium, a certain fee or scot, paid to these tres bomines, the suruayours of the common shores, unless therefore (as in talking of all kinds of grain) we set down Rye: For all military and soldierlike furniture, we nominate a dagger: so for all sinks, shores, and vaults, Misacmos use a privy, he shall get no more fame for this than Erostratus for burning Diana's temple. Well Gods blessing on his heart, Eras●…us Apo●…. he is a toward young man, and hath great cause to thank God for his knowledge, (like the old dunce in Brazen nose college in Doctor Colmers' time) who coming from a school among certain sophisters, from a certain Quodlibet, with a great sigh thanked god that now at last after seven years study in the Predicables, he could define Proprium. Now fie upon it, fie upon it, what is this to Ajax? you trifle, you are fond, marry that's true. Well, if this please him not, let him stay till a second digestion, and he shall have Assets inter main as assurance to prove how well I mean 〈◊〉 among 〈◊〉 Lawyer 9 him. Alas, alas how much I wrong him? believe me Philaretes, I am sorry for my negligence; 〈◊〉 I forget his succinct collection of history: his compendious & apr obseru●…ōs in the Emperor's lives? God forbidden nay you shall have right Roman courage in me; praise for desert, though otherwise his professed reprover in ●…ollie. What note? what note? Why thus much touching his succinct observations out of the Emperor's lives, I say (as Tully did of Demosthenes orations) I like that best, which is longest. Yet for all this the wo●…lde apprehendeth his iud●…scretiō; who trapping an ass in golden furniture, sutin●… a cou●…se subject in rich ornaments of learning, hath approved his great wit, & little wisdom. How more happy had it been for himself and more honourable for his profession, to have observed the customs of the V●…nctians and Germans? the first of which banish b●…llards from their counsels: and the next vouchsafe no degree of learning, to any of them in their most famous Universities. Now if in example of these, if his sentences of condign merit, had been answered with an apt, appropriate, and fit matter; nulla publica laudaetione indigeret (as Valerius saith of Romulus) his praise had been general, but in that Val. lib. 3. cap. 〈◊〉. cleaving to rashness (the enemy ofendeour (and forsaking discretion) which as Anthony the father said omnia laudabili fine concludit, endeth all things laudably Henri de urmar. lib. 4. de perfect. in't. hom. cap. 1. he hath betrayed his own fame to infamy. Qua E●…am tum v●…uit cum esse credas mortuam. Plaut. in Pres. Which then survives when thou believest him dead. Who liveth of any reading (were he content to surfeit in his folly) that with A●…ctrine could not talk of Nana? with an other of a red nose? with Perieres of a pie and Piaux, I have seen an oration made in praise of a college custard, & very much written in commendation of an ass; who in commending a goose, could not bring in Plutarch to prove she was sacrificed to juno; or in talking of an ox, could not say it was the stamp the Athenians put on their money? say a man were so foolish to make a book of lowsines, were it not possible for him (that had red history) to bring in Scylla lousy, A●…stus the son of Peleus dying lousy, Mutiu●… Plutarch. the lawyer, Eunus the fugitive lousy; Arnolphus the Emperor lousy; Phoerecides and Calisthenes lousy; or if this subject seemed too nitty, what say you to joubert & his book of laughte●… the common place of faits (handled in Bouchet) in helping a gentlewoman of the colic? Tut and I were set on a merry pin, I could write in praise of spindle shanks, because Germanicus had such; and in commendation of pissing, bringing in out of Valerius, the story of the Cretans, who beseidged by Metellus, drunk their own piss. How vain a vain is this? Nay how vain is Misacmos in his vain? trust me the very fear to hear of this folly, were sufficient to make the dumb son of Crassus to cry out mainly. How undecent is it for a man, in years stayed, in birth noble, infortunes rich, in friends mighty, to be so poor only in his discretion? Better had it been and more worthy Misacmos' learning to have digested custom into a volume, and made a treatise of observations, wherein as especial, and with more decorum (than he conceited) he might write how the privy that Arrius died on, was hanged up ever after for a perpetual monument, till those of his Heresy (to extinguish Nicopli cap. 〈◊〉 lib. 〈◊〉. the indignity thereof) raised and built a sumptuous house in the place. He might gather out of Segonius, how capital it is amongst the Turks to dispute on the laws of Mahomet, where amongst us here in England it is too common a custom to break ours. Besides if he would be pleasant & set down Ethnique heresies, what lets him to remember that among the Turks it is an heresy to piss standing, & here in England in Caesar's time, it was a profane thing to taste a hen, where now a days it is good fellowship both to steal, and to roast it. He might likewise seriously observe Diagoras banishment, who (more modester Valerius lib. 〈◊〉. Cap. 〈◊〉. than Misacmos) only wrote that he knew not the Gods, where he both knowing, & reading, the Laws of God, and (which is most to be a bhorred) a Christian, taketh a felicity to pervert them. But such is the custom of the world, and to blind the elections of men, that the most part seek out the poisons of wit to corrupt the same and the world like the maid (of whom Aristotle's comenter speaketh) being accustomed to seed on serpents, takes it now for a natural refection to nourish itself with poison. But return we to Misacmos' teshe. I long to hear his conclusion: Forsooth and please you the last part of his learned trea●…se, is the manner & means how to build clean, handsome and necessary privies, not altogether of M. Dal●…s built, whom he handles (as Horace did Moecc●…as) s●…arce cleanly for his courtesies, but with Hidraulique Engines a●… it seems (the manner whereof he hath borrowed from vitrvuius, or else taken some pattern from a travelers mouth who hath seen the Cardinal of F●…rraras buildings at ●…uolt) and truly of all his book, I hold this the clenliest, since having devised and deified a Goddess so filthy, he hath at least wise found a cleanly convyance to wash her f●…e when she is too slovenly. But if with his patience I may speak, and by your courtesies be heard; Philaretes, I dare promise a form, and prefer an invention, where (by the help of wind ●…as he by water) I will build you a privy without Houldens wives privy fault, that shall neither far, foist, nor stink, as she doth in her sleep; and how say you by that sir? Marry Sir my Privy shallbe a Round, (one of the five regular bodies in Geometry) built like the tower of Babel, & upon vaults to, well tarrased after the finest fashion: now for the tunnel I mean to raise it in the midst, provided that divers doors and windows shall be made on every side, that if never so little wind blow (if a man be weatherwise) he shall be able to empty his belly without diseasing his nose: et fiet say I (like the old end of a doctor's bill) I but how if no wind blow? marry then the poor milners in Moor fields would be bankrupt for their rents, & the witches to the Northwards shall sell no merry gales to sailors for their money. Wier●…s d●… pr●…●…tigiis demon●… Carda●…. Let me not jest it out, it is a very great fault in my Colfabus; but thinks Misacmos that he can escape me? no marry can he not as long as there is a escape in my belly. Now what fault a God's name? Forsooth, he hath provided no seemly glass windows for his Ajax, and by that means he bringeth those that shall have use of it, into a great inconvenience, and that shall I she we by an example (and the rather) because éxempla ●…llustrant non probant. A certain gentleman of England going to Bocardo to do savereverence, & having his quiver well furnished to offer on Cloacinas Altar; after he had read a lecture of untruss, claps me a Corpus cum causa on the face of Don Ajax, who darkening all the house with a frown of his fury, made the poor gentleman groan & grin till he were disburdened. Now sir, the privy dark and he in the heat of his service: behold (hold B. I should have said) a maid of his being sick of Trajan's disease & some what laxative, notstaying the Qui vous la? or the word? but having her piece ready charged, let's fly into her masters lap at both ends, and set both her windmill and water-mill a working. Out whore (quoth the Maysler) A'as, fie upon me (quoth the maid) new clothes cries he with a vengeance, away runs she bare-arsed without wiping. By this example it were good Misacmos would bespeak Masons and glaziers, least sitting at his Ajax in great meditation on his Elegy; a maid of his should serve a Lattitat on him & lay the ●…bell in his bosom. How, say you? is not this worthy deep consideration Philaretes especially, in so cleanly Continu●…. That is as neato as Lic●…n in his app●…l, and as manner he as 〈◊〉 country w●…nch, (whom the abbo●…●…ed) who instead of requesting le●… to dip ●…ir ca●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in the 〈◊〉: d●…sn, de●… buy Lo●…ship that she 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 her a●…e into his sa●…ce. N●…ta ●…uod 〈◊〉 ●…ota nihil va●…. a gentleman as Misacmos? What, like you my advertisement? then have at it for an other bout: And what's that? Marry it standeth very much with the judgement of Misacmos to alter this element of water (and if it were possible) and the reason is, lest some of Flora's handemaides having Lots wives sickness, look back on that she let fall in the water: Why what of this? Marry a dangerous thing, for since Ea quae per medium aquae apparent, groff●…or avidentur, such things as are seen in the water seem greater; it is to be feared lest the poor soul should take a strong imagination, and commit more trust to her belly, than she can digest by her back parts. Yet an other, it must be ordered (or taken order by Misacmos) that his Ajax have a door with a spring lock, lest some gentle woman going to speak with her-maid in privity, have as ill fortune as a pretty wench in my country. Would you know how it was, and what it was? under promise you will show (Misacmos my good friend) how it happened, I'll instruct you. A certain noble man of England having two necessary delights that accompany great fortunes; viz. a fair house to dwell in, and a fool to laugh at: thinking it a decenter thing in him to chase his jester, then for Socrates to play with ●…sla s●…l. 1. 〈◊〉. cap. 5. Lamprocles, Ageselaus, to ride on a Reed with his son, and Architas to play with his servants, one day in a merry & pleasant vain, drove him up and down from chamber to chamber, (making him smart with a rod he carried in his hand) he forest him into a necessary place where the close stool stood, where the poor ass finding a wench at the privy, and very willing to defend himself, because he was shrewdly pursued, he took her boldly in his arms (her clothes about her ears) and bore it single on her buttocks. Now sir, here grows a Quaere, and a Caution, in this place; the Quaeritur is, whether if the poor wench had called on Cloacina for help, her Goddes-ship could have delivered her? the Cautton, that henceforth both Misacmos (and whatsoever builders) provide them socks & doors to their Ajax, lest some coy Dame that fears to walk abroad without a mask, be suddenly scratched and jerk over her face that hath never a nose. Is not this gay gear Philaretes? have I not matched Misacmos at his own game●… believe me, believe mee, I blush as I writ, yet I writ to make men blush. For from my soul I protest, and to the world I publish it, that as the compounders of Metbridate (before the whole body of the Venetian Se●…ate) show their simple poisons to make them known; and as the quacksalvers in Germany swallow spiders in open assemblies to show the virtue of their confections: So to let the world know, the poison of lewd language, to bring that in hate which is now swallowed with too secure delight; I have swallowed those morssels, which religion should not digest; and rather opened the cave to discover a serpent, then to suffer men headlong to post to hell on the back of uncivell pleasures. Ovid 1. 〈◊〉. Impi●… sub dul●… m●…lle ven●…na 〈◊〉 Helleborum frustra cum iam cutis agra tumebit. Poscentes videas, venienti occurrite morb●…. Prevent thy grief, in desperate estate: To many seek for remedy too late. Thus far Philarites hath thy friendship and Misacmos errors enforced me, yet this style, and one field more, and thou hast brought me home where I would be: Come, come, though the high ways are dirty, the fields are delightful, and a little close of compass may have many trees of pleasure. Me thinks I see thee wonder what story I have to tell thee, and smile to thyself like lean Cicero, at the just reproof of this Cotta: Hark in thine ear, Misacmos is a Satire, a quipping fellow: But sirrah, what if with the merry Lord: in Homer, I should play the mad fellow, and aim at his Ulysses head and politic pate with a neat's foot? Dost thou request me to do so? why mine honest friend, I shall dispatch it quickly. But how? marry I shall talk to him thorough thy letter, and teach him plainly that which I have observed out of a French secretary: Que le trop cuider rouge les os, de l'sprit iusques aux moesles de l'ignorance: that too much presumption Du Trauchi●…●…pi. 231. gnaweth the bones of the spirit even to the marrow of ignorant: and that when as malice and envy coupled with presumption and ignorance, bark against the modesty of the virtuous, the fire refecteth to burn those that kindle it, lighting those that are detracted from the ruins of the malicious, till they have attained both the path and possession of honour. Believe me (ill christened as thou are by thy Greek Godfather) as to reprehend justly requireth a due discretion, so to detract insriouslye, in a great man, is a stain of honour, in a learned, a note of irreligion, in all sorts a plague of nature, rising from the thought of a corrupt, unbridled, and sinful heart. How much better matter hadst thou to remember, if thou hast read much? and what a thing oughst thou sooner forget, if thou regard socyetye? But thou wilt say I have taxed none but such as deserve it: and yet I tell thee (and therein tax thine indiscretion) that except thou hast córrected private, before thou hast disgraced publicly, thou art a good Aristarcus, but an ill christian. I prithee look back into the ages, and let my pen help thy memory; and in the face of other men's falls, read thine own infirmities. Whom hath glory raised so high, that envy could not aim at? or virtue made so temperate, that misfortunes could not torture? Who ever had felicity to counsel, without weakness to fall? or his reason so strong that his passion could not alter it? Alas Misacmos, it is a misery of wit thou art fallen into; wherein the more thou art folded, the more thou art filed. Aemilus Paulus the admired for constancy, yet was he contemned in poverty. 〈◊〉 virtut●…●…solue. The Marshal of S. Androw●… deuic●… Alexander the world's wonder, though praise-worthye for his clemency, in overcoming Darius: yet hated in his drunken fury, when he murdered Clitus: So that his fortitude, liberality, magnanimity, and continence, grace him not so much, but that his unseasonable banqueting, inordinate excess, his ambition in suffering the applause of his flatterers, his injuries to Calist hens, make him subject to detraction. Alcibiades, astuiterer and inconstant, but that his magnificence and bounty, redeemed those disgraces: Agesilaus a lover of his citizens, yet suspected of Pedrastria with Megabates: neither was his honour so great in contemning vain things, as his infamy deserved, in using all impiety in obtaining kingdoms. Crassus' covetous in fortune, yet constant in misery. Demetrius' constant and liberal, yet pompous, profane, and lecherous. Cato (the sensor of men for all his severity) had not so strong a shield of his continence, gravity, fortitude, and perseverance, but that being studious to accuse others, he was accused himself of contempt of Philosophy, hate of Physicians, praise of himself, and inhumanity in his behaviour, nay they wrote this Epigram of him which followeth. Rufus mordaces solitusque illidere dentes Omnibus et glaucus Porcius ut periit; Ipsa timens saeve rabiem Proserpina li●…guae. Ullum 〈◊〉 apud manes noluit esse locum. Why press I further, where these few may suffice me? and what may not Misacmos observe, if he digest this considerately? If all these in the brightness of their honour had some blemish and infirmity, what privilege hath he far inferior to the worst of them? If he be not exempt from error (as I know he is not) but that either passion denoureth him, ambition overhaleth him, intemperance seduceth him, and a thousand other imperfections attaint him: why is he so ready to breathe out other men's reproaches, where the satchel behind his back hath sins enough in it to blast him with? hath he a lock for all men's tongues? a bridle Non videmus mantice quod intergo est. for all men's pens? or impudency to outface all disgraces? Cicero was more eloquent than he, but counted a babbler; Demosthenes more wise than he, yet known for a coward; Socrates a just man, but accused of impiety: Cities dies mihi defic●…ret quaem oratio, there were no end if I should prosecute this. All life whatsoever is bu●… a Chaos of infirmities, and who so will reprehend, must either be a God amongst men without fault, or a byword to men for his foul tongue. Fie upon me, whether am I grown? Misacmos is pleasant, why then in a pleasant and a merry mood, let us have liberty to talk with him. Nay first let's shake hands as fencers do ere they play their Prizes, for I am sure to give the Veny, I feel my fist so nimble. But what weapons? what weapons? faith with a pen in one hand, and a paper book in an other: None better, have at you Sir, I would wish you keep your footing. Why, how will you use me? Faith as the milkmaid of Hackney used that most witty and learned Master Fleetwoode Recorder of London, (and that was scarce mannerly) and how it was (without any further interogatives) I shall presently tell you. This honest Gentleman walking for his pleasure from London towards Hackney, by chance (at the very towns ' end heard a bird of May sing, I think you call it a Cucko●…. Hereupon looking round about him to spy out some one to break his bitter jest upon, he encountered by good hap with this maid, whom suddenly and pleasantly, he boarded with this question. Maid quoth he, who is this that singes so merely, is it the vicar of Hackney? no forsooth said she, you mistake yourself, it is the recorder of London, (a foul on her for a lying quean, how unmannerly she was?) Well he digested the matter like a wise gentleman. Now in like manner must I try your patience: Was it you that translated Ariosto? I marry was it sir. In faith you had been better to have set your legs before it then your arms, for the lines are very gouty & to untoward to climb Helicon. What are you angry at this jest? for shame be patiented, you have us ' de a Doctor far worse, and therefore look for ill chieving. ●…nall lib. 3. Sa●…. 9 O Coridon Coridon secretum divitis ullum esse 〈◊〉. I, but you set your arms before it, least after you were dead, cities and countries should strive for you as they did about Homer: Fear not that man, for what between Cloacinas Temple, the stationer's pastbordes, the Grocers and Chandler's spices, and mustard-pots, your books shall be out worn in your age I warrant you. Only if sun survive by the mercy of a friends Library, the after-world shall rather pity your lost time, then commend your diligence. That's for master Daltons' sake, and I pray you so take it. Now for master Plate mine old and honest friend, why what of him? His life in●…al men's eyes so upright, his birth not to be contemned, his study for the commodity of his country, you have lewdly jybed against him being a gentleman of your own society; and so jested at his coals, that you deserve to be burnt with them for your labour. Bona verba quaeso: nay you shall not so scape it. Should a man (because the Fishmonger's boy saw you in a goodly gay velvet cloak and on your foot-cloth, and jestingly said as you passed by him thorowolde old fish-street that you sat on your horse like a sloven on a close stool) that therefore your writing in praise of Ajax, was y? or to use (Charles chester's jest, because you are faced like Platina) ' would it not anger your heart strings, if a man should say that you look like a sturdy Ostler that could gird a mire till she sart again. Truly it were unseemly to use a gentleman of worth so grossly: now if miu●…ies to yourself, disgraces to your own per●…on, jybing at your own writings so mightily move you: Imagine that in others which you feel in yourself, and if you take felicity to hear well, remember carefully hereafter to speak well. But I forget myself, I forget myself, there is a pad in the shaw, there is matter in it said the ostler when he felt his horse back, there are reasons of discontent, which have moved this disaster twixt master C●…nelius Ag●… de vault Sce●…c. Plate and you: I marry bether sir, he is a seducer, his coals are like the Alchemists Elixir, much t●…kte of, but never bronght to pass: You deceive yourself Misacmos, and I dare swear it by as much honesty as you can pledge me, that the coals Master Plate maketh profession of to devise, are possible to nature, not contrary to the rules of Philosophy, even now this t●…a me ready to be proved by a demonstration, so that as Fierovants said to the Galenists of Italy 〈◊〉 lib. 3. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. et a●…i. and other chemical fellows; Master Plate ma●… boldly urge against you, mine is the effect, dispute you on the cause. I but your judgement (say you) apprehendeth not any such thing, and for that cause you will jest at a truth, in that you suspect it a falsehood, Heeres fair play Misacmos, and I offer open challenged. Draw the quintescene of your wit, capitulate ●…ll your readings, make an abstract of your experiments, and set me down what arguments you can against these coals, and you shall see me make you carry coals till you fall tout plat for your labour. For your conjecture of stolen and cowdung, it stands not with nature, it stands not with reason, you are misinformed, and it were good you were reform, learn a truer Credo, and we will sing a kinder Salve to you. If you still brave it till your conceit be blunt, I will steel it with reason, & though master Plaits maid hath coulted your intelligencer, that would have wrought the secret of these coals out of her, under pretence of a wooing dance (for which cause you are waxed so tetchie,) I'll use you more honestly; and not only instruct you like a probable disputer, but with as good pillars as all sciences consist on, I mean demonstrations (as sound matter as Aristotle's Pasteriora. I warrant you) I could use Tarlton's lie upon you touching the secret of Barley: who (attending one day at a great dinner on sir Christopher Hatton Lord Chancellor deceased) by chance (amongst other pretty jests) gave him unadvisedly the lie: for which, the honourable person merrily reproving him, instead of submitting himself, he thus witily justified: My Lord (said he) is it not a custom when a prince hath spoken any thing noteworthy, to say he hath delivered it majestically? Again when you the are Monsieurs, my Lorts, excellenses, Altesses, & such like, speak any thing: Saynot the assistants strait ways, he concluded honourably? Nay in every estate, if either noble, right worshipful, worshipful, gentle, common, honest, dishonest, poor or rich, sick or whole (& sic ad infinitum) speak any thing; doth not the world conclude strait, that they have spoken nobly, right worshipfully, worshipfully, gently, commonly, honestly, dishonestly, poorly, richly, sickly, wholly? Nought without, ally my Lord (quoth dick Tarlton) nought without a lie: He that therefore pays it with a frown, or a stab, forgetteth himself. But thus will not I use Misacmos, lest he that stands so much on his points, should point me out with his poniard; only this will I say (and that modestly too) a●… Tully did of Voconius, and his children, and (E) only deducted. Phaeb●… hand scinente hic seminavit libros. Pl●…arch in ●…a Cico. To. 3. so. 〈◊〉. Which is as much to say, as the man had been happy if his book had lain stinking in his study. But here me thinks I spy a worse than Enthimi●… misery fallen upon you, (who abusing the Corinthians in jest, was plagued in earnest) for in discoursing your Monapole, wherein you angle for nothing Your own word●… Avengeance on them that ●…e these Monapol●… 17. Ed. 4. Sto●…. but Carp to feed other men with, you not only wax too bitter a curser of your betters (a fault worse than Burdets, and it were pity it should be expiated with his destiny). But you privily gird likewise at patents, (I mean not the father and the son both witty and learned gentlemen) who (as I am inspired) are the very Genii and good angels in furthering your best studies, but job serve not As gesclaus, law hear: Difficile est miser eriet ●…pore, but coldly past●… that over which might be wrought like wa●…. those patents which being privileges granted by a prince, fruits of her royal prerogative, rewards of her trusty and honourable servants, acte●… for humble subjects to receive with thanks, not to examine according to their own shallow judgements private laws in being privileges, as both the legists and schoolmen determine, are 〈◊〉. not grossly to be jested at, careless to be disgraced, or fond to be dealt withal. Beware of this good Misacmos, I wish you as a friend, & if hereafter you mean to rest publicly, and force your wit to stem the stream of world's judgements, use Pericles custom, who determining to speak any thing publicly, desired the immortal Gods, that no improvident word should passehies mouth. Away with this serious talk, let us turkish this text into a merrier colour. One turn from Leaden hall corner into Gracious street, and so have with you to West minster: Why into Gracious street? Because of all streets in London you have thought this the best market to make proclamation of cuckcoldry. Now sir what john of himself, or john by constraint know you there that hathinheritance in Cornhill, whom you so prettily iutitle to Hornden? Mum budget not a word. In an inventory of such household stuff it is ill falling to particulars, such universal propositions, or prepositions require noi●…ance. If a gentlewench have invited you to a banquet of Turnup's, be not too talkative, least suiting yourself in pure rash, your love repent her lying abroad, and you your speaking too broadly. In handling your common places, shut up your tongue, least being Plenus ●…arum, (as Parmeno said of himself) you be naroly looked into O Misacmos since all men may be cuckolds, actu vel potentia it is dangerous to talk of them, but if you will needs bite on this morsel, beware to be T●…ent. Eunuch●… offensive, for to general terms none but the guilty take exception. Should I play at this weapon what should let me to hit home & yet observe the laws of humanity? show uviht without profe●…g wrong. As thus in a pleasant Irone, to disfigure a householder in a figure. The man hath a great charge, and therefore this dear year, it is good having Cornucopia in his household. 〈◊〉, ●…orn, the horn of plenty, or otherwise plenty of horn. This is a jest without gall, and this no less pleasant than the former. If it be true that Physicians say, that the perfume of borne is a sovereign medicine against the Pestilence; how happy shall many men's neighbours be that have horns of their own to burn and drive the plague out of their Chambers? This is a form I inform you of, because I know some exceptions taken against your other deformed observation: Mend it, mendit, or burn your book as the desperate Zanthians did their, City least from the Babel of A●…s dict●… 〈◊〉 Babble. your pride, men say you derive your babbling. Hark what a tale I heard in Gracious street of an ungracious turn, which was returned upon a gentlewoman. A pleasant wench of the country (who beside Chaucer's jest, had a great felicity in jesting) encountering in a morning with a farmer of her husbands, who came that Michaelmas day to pay his quarters rend (beside a dozen of pouting for my Lanslady his mistress) seeing him scrape his courtesies a far off, and very loath to come near and salute her, pleasantly said thus; Come near Thomas, be not afraid, I neither fling nor bite: T the poor fellow gathering heart of grace on this encouragement, returned her this answer: byth' mass mistress, and you be so gentle, you are the fit beast to be ridden: here is Diog. Laertius in vita Memn, prae moerore laque●… vitam sibi e●…torsit. quid pro quo: a gird for a gibe: beware of mocking plain fellows, lest after this sort in plain terms they thus mock you. Go to Menippus in wit, God keep you from his fortune. Use citizens well. And though you be as familiar with some of their wives, as Tully's epistles: yet to the husbands read nothing but his Offices, lest they prefer you to an office or officer. I have to talk with you for the Markams' too, my worthy worshipful and beloved friends: and therefore prepare new we apons, for I must wring you for wronging them. Though their desert can out●…ue your disgrace, yet shall your disgrace live by your disgracing them: get therefore the grim sire to seal you a pardon of Course, or my second Course shall be so currant, that I will coarse you out of breath: these are but easy tricks, as wrestlers Plutare. In vita Alexand. use before they begin their utmost. The other shallbe laboured like your own, as ready to move laughter, as Naptha to take fire, which till you meet, make a register of your best conceits, for I mean to make trial of the utmost of your learned courage. Enough of this till the feast of enough follow. They say, Once warned, well armed, thank me kindly for these courtesies. What remaineth now? but in few words to counsel Misacmos: first, if he pretend to jest, to observe the custom of the Spartans', in avoiding scurrility: next, in the modest carriage of his words, to become an Athenian, who had a custom to cover and colour obscenities and filthiness with apt and decent names, according as Solon taught them. Adubber to cry, Mother go cack, when he is able to truss himself is undecent. Remember what your grand mother taught you Misacmos, and make your Books more mannerly. Lastly, in correcting, learn of Phitaroh to do all things in way of commiseration, and not in contempt, for who reproveth in derision, defaulteth in humanity & judgement: To be short, instead of the salt of bitter language, let Misacmos learn to seek the salt of wisdom: for as the one is fretting, galling, and a sucker of blood, so the other (as saith Gregory) Acquiritur per pacem, is gotten by peace, breedeth peace, nourisheth virtue, instructeth error, and maketh the life savoury, which appeareth in that of the evangelist Mark, Habete in vobis sal, & pacem habebitis inter vos. Have salt among you, and you shall have peace among you. To conclude with Misacmos, let me teach him two receipts, and so leave him: First, to avoid evil smells, let him get him a clean tongue, and a sweet breath, for that is pleasing to gentlewomen: let him use the incense of prayer, to kill the stinking venom of serpents lurking in his heart, let him put less worm wood in his ink, and more continence in his thoughts: and if his tongue will not leave clacking, let him learn to light the candle of charity before him, as Gardeners are wont to set lamps by lakes sides: to put croaking and troublesome frogs to silence. Finally: to purge his lunacy of wit, I neither prescribe him Turbith, Agaric, Sarcocolla, Trincavel de usu med. li. 1. c, 14 nor a dram of Scammony, according to Dioscorides, neither rhubarb of Pontus, nor manna of Calabria, but an ounce of good thought mixed with a scruple of Pythagoricum silentium, which shall so purge him of ambition, heal the inflammations of his tongue, and exhale the venom of his heart, that when he next meets me, he shall say, I am the happiest of Physicians (of whom Bouchet jestingly speaketh in the person of a bon Drole or Francatripe) Bouchet au 10. Secretary that the sun beholds their good cures, and the earth covereth their grievous faults. Thus kindly leave I Misacmos with his Car ie penscray acquerir plus de lou ange au service de la vertu, que ie ne seroy pas a la suitte de vice. cure, which if he requite with choler, let him resolve himself, that I have wit and learning enough to make him as tame as Crassus' lamprey: For having truth on my side, and diligence my friend, I neither fear his grim looks, nor his Marshal's pen. Bouchet au 7. Secretary Let him write never so soon, I will become nows homo a new man (with Cato) rising from obscurity to same by his disgrace: Plutarch. in vita Cat. and so I leave him. For thee Philaretes and thy friends, I end, in hearty commending me: and since I am assured of your wellmeaning, you may boldly command my service. But even here in shutting up of my letter, a merry jest encounters me, which I must needs tell you. Henry the 8. in his youth, a prince of famous memory, riding a hunting in grass time with certain his nobles and familiars, by chance made toward a gentleman's park of good estimation and reckoning whom he highly favoured; where (finding the park gate locked, and being very desirous to enter.) he set his horn to his mouth, and merrily wound it to call the Keeper. Sir Andrew Flamocke (a valiant and quick witted gentleman) standing hard behind him (and that very instant troubled with the colic) even at the very time the King drew his horn from his mouth lets me fly a rouncing F. from his T. The King looking back, and angrily ask who it was that durst be so beastly in his presence? Sir Andrew (after a low congee) made this answer: If it please your Majesty, you blew for the Keeper, and I blew for john the Keepers man. Now to allude this (Philaretes) in this sort conceit me. For those of thy faction that kindly interpret, courteously accept, & friendly protect my pleasures, I commit the kingly blast of encouragement, I mean the matters of weight, worth, and discretion. For the rest that captiously desire to pry, carelessly to condemn, and injuriously detract, I commit the filth, worse than sir Andrew Flamoks fart to their digesting. And so to Tarlton's Testament I commend you, a little more drink, than a little more bread, a little more bread, and a few more clothes, and God be at your sport Master Tarleton. Misodiaboles.