PLAIN PERCEVALL THE Peacemaker of England. SWEETLY INDEVORING WITH HIS blunt persuasions to botch up a Reconciliation between MAR-TON and Mar-Tother. Compiled by lawful art, that is to say, without witch craft, or sorcery: and referred specially to the Meridian and pole Artichoke of Nomans Land: but may serve generally without any great error, for more Countries then I'll speak of.  Quis furor aut hos, Aut hos, arma sequi, ferrúmque lacessere jussit. 
Printed in Broad-streete at the sign of the Pack-staffe.   

TO THE NEW UPSTART MARTIN, AND THE MISBEGOTTEN HEIRS OF HIS body: his overthwart neighbour, Mar-Martin, Mar-Mar-Martin, and so forth following the Traulila-lilismus, as far as Will Solnes' stuttring pronunciation may stumble over at a breath: To all Whip john's, and Whip jacks: not forgetting the Cavaliero Pasquil, or the Cook Russian, that dressed a dish for Martin's diet, Marforius and all Cutting Hussnufs, Roisters, and the residue of light singred younkers, which make every word a blow, and every book a bob: Perceuall the Peacemaker of England, wisheth grace to the one party, of the other Parish: and peace stichd up in a Gaberdine without pleat or wrinkle, to the other party of this Parish.  
I Would it had been PERCEVALS hap, to have come to the beginning of a friendly feast, or to the latter ending of so dangerous a fray. And I thought I had been fair for it at the first: for plodding through Aldersgate, all armed as I was, with a quarter ash staff on my shoulder, and an empty belly under my northern belt, I spied me, a large P. with a wide mouth like a porradge pot, and being quicksented thrust forward on the trale, and found it was Pap. But I cannot tell, what the goodere came into my mind, but somewhat it was, that persuaded me to try before I tasted, and look before I licked: And though my sharpset-stomach would have strait fell into acquaintance, by reason of some ancient familiarity between a western fellow, and a whitpot: yet bearing a brain as well as a belly, I stood sauntring over it, like a whelp that had scalded his mouth with lapping up hot water Gruel: till I found that it was no meat indeed for PERCEVALL, but rather a bone for MARTIN to digest, if his stomach would serve him: for though the first ladleful had a smack as soft as pap, the next morsel, a taste as sweet as a fig, and so forth: yet I see he that was Cook and Cater, thought to feed MARTIN with these nunchions, as men feed Apes: with a bit & a box on the ear. Why but soft masters, fair play and no snatching: is your feasting turned to a fray? put up, put up your weapons, and be some wiser than some. They were never tall fellows of their hands that were such hackster's in the street: nor ever proved old wringers indeed, that sell out at their belly metal. Go to MARTIN, go to: I know a man is a man, though he have but a hose on his head (& thou hast a close house on thine) but the greatest quarrelers meet often with their overmatch. Putcase thou hadst a good cause (as alas I am a plain fellow and not given to swearing) yet a couple of these late Roisters would mar ten martin's, at the cracking of a stage jest. They have plaguy Clubfists, the one with his Counter-Cuffe, the other with his Country cuff, would quickly make a blue MARTIN. And you on the other side: what need all this stir? this banding of kilcowes' to fight with a shadow? If I were at home, within the precincts of mine own domination, I would charge you in God's name and the Queens, to put up your whinyards, you are men enough, able to deal one to one at handigripes, come cut and long tail: why should you offer to take the advantage of the higher ground? Truly, truly, I will present you at the law day for a riot, though I be neither side man for this Meridian, nor Warden, but to ward myself as I walk. There is more danger in breaking the Queen's majesties peace, than you are aware of. That mad companion MARTIN, you know, plays least in sight, and serves you, as Aeneas served Turnus, to make him fight with a mist in steed of a man: he doth but send his picture, to make trial of your affection towards him, as (my boy at home says) Heliogabalus did, to search the humours of the Roman Senate. If you had used his Image somewhat more gently, within this space, he would have appeared in his likeness, incarnated or incased in some knaves skin or other I warrant you: bear with one gross term, so as I make no custom of it. Come on therefore MARTIN and the rest, house yourselves in the next Tavern, I will set myself (not a knave between two honest men) but as a good fellow, betwixt the shadow of MARTIN, and the natural shape of yourselves, to try whether I can stint this, Hold my dagger from your throat, or no.  
Yours if you like me: mine own if you strike me. P. P. P.   

HE was a tender hearted fellow, though his luck were but hard, which hasting to take up a quarrel, by the high way side, between a brace, of Saint Nicholas Clergy men: was so courteously embraced on both parties, that he tendered his purse for their truce, and swapped away his silver for Copper retail. Such copsmates would be examined, if it were but for Alchemist: & such a kind heart Chronicled, if it were but for a fool.  
All this wind shakes none of my Corn, quoth Perceuall, whereupon Gossip Reason the chief actor in the pageant of my brain, and high speaker in the Parliament of my devise, began this motherly, and well powdered tale. The meddling Ape, that like a tall wood cleaver, assaying to rend a twopenny billet in two pieces, did wedge in his pettitoes, so fast, between the two clefts, that he stuck by the feet for a say: and remained forth coming at the discretion of those, whose occupation he enchrochd upon before he was free: Short though were his prenticeship, did he not pay for his learning? Tush Perceuall, hath no felicity in these captious Intergatories. And therefore good sweet Tenant Reason, speak plainly, and say Landlord mine (give every man his right) he that thrusts his finger between the bark and the tree, is like to be pinched: Counterfeit Martin, or Counter Martin, let them fight or be friends, with a knaves name: encounter not them, they be like Gins, they carry fire in their hearts, and death in their mouths. If they get thee within their reach: thou must come to knokham fair, and what bewtéene the block & the beetle, be thumped like a stockfish, now gandmer are not these your examples moralised? Pithy stuf to keep a man from crossing the bowling Alley, for fear of a broken shin. Or it moves me as much as 
Two ancient standers, that Senior and the post.  the fatherly rebuke of an old slander, moved that university post, which seemed to take the wall of a Senior. I cannot though you should bind me to such a stubborn post, as that grave student met with in the dark, but carry one bucket of water, when I hear the bells ring backward, and the fire run forward. They were in a fault, where the fire first began ': but first and last, help, quench all; or else these high flying sparks will light on the heads of us all, and kindle in our bedstraw, if other folks lodging be no better than mine. Well fare London yet, for a policy besides water (which they put in practice too lately, the more was the pity:) pull down the houses burning, lest they catch hold on their neighbours. I, but you talk of cost, and commission. That trick would ask a long pole and a hook, and my quarter n1 is too short, except a man stood on tiptoe. But now I remember myself, never will I overstraine my strength, nor play at hand over head so high, but where I may feel sure footing.  
Give me my spectacles, that I may see whether I dream, or whether these sights be all in good sadness, which I behold, sometime these madcaps be at a fray: sometimes at a feast: it makes no matter whether it be plain dealing or juggling, take them at the best, and sit down to their banquet. And sith Martin and his brood hath furnished the first course, with sundry dishes, & saweed them thoroughly: and again his heavy friends Pasquil, Marforius, and the fresh Cater of late, have counter coursd him, with messes somewhat hot of the spice: (for the Pay had corns of long Pepper as big as a hatchet:) I follow like a plain dunstable Groom, with salt and spoons on a trencher. Indeed you say true, Sal sapit omnia: and service without salt, by the rite of England, is a Cuckolds see, if he claim it. Go to then, and take salt to your sops, lest sorrow attaint them. Make brine for your bull beef, that it may suck out those swelling corrupt affections that remain some what rank in the flesh. As for my spoons, those I brought, that I & my companions might have one slap at the Spoon meat, wherein Martin boasted 
Martin called his argument's spoon meat in his protest.  his Cookery: and the other set out their skill. They had need be large long Spoons (say you) if I come to feed with such whipsters. Let me alone, for my activity, at the dish meat, and a long arm, though my scoop be the shorter. Perceuall, you are somewhat a merry man, as well as the rest, according to your homely Country fashion. Marry sir, there is somewhat in it beside true working, and a God's name, quoth the goodman, that checked his wife, for hopping about the house, and telling what the scholars of Oxford paid for their good cheer: when he no sooner stepped over the threshold, but fell into the same tune and taking; and about they went. My Masters be ware of Martin's circle, for if his friends or his foes chop into it unawares, they are like to dance after his pipe, and set themselves upon a miry pin, (for so doth he) till his underpinning will fail him, I doubt.  
Come on Martin, put out (as the passenger said to the Miller) not a knaves head, no keep in, thou art wiser than so, yet if wind do not fail thee, thy late Customers, which play more sacks to the mill, have brought greists or jests at least wise to be ground. If thy mill stones be not worn too blunt, for want of pecking, there is picking meat for thee: make meal of it, and take large toll to the enriching of the Tolbot thou talkest off.  
Martin me thinks the clack of thy mill, is somewhat noisome to the whole country, thou livest in; either thou art well set en work, or else, thou hast wind at will to thy sails.  
I pray thee make once an auricular confession, tell me in mine ear: is the desire of Reformation so deeply imprinted in thine heart, as the term is often printed in thy papers? Is it conscience or lucre, that spurgals thy hackney pen, to force it take so high a hedge, as thou leapest at? I have seen as mad a trick as this, when a Rank rider hath put his horse to a hedge, and lay in the ditch for his labour. Thy foaming mealy mouth betokeneth stomach, and young unbridled fits, for all that fatherly countenance, & grave vizard which sometimes thou usest to plead the cause of thy Reformation under. No no, you use the nostrils too much, and to many unseasoned frumps, to come of that raze, that sincerely in time of superstition required Reformation. how? I go about to disgrace thee? No no I come but by the way of entreaty, as it were with a beck to admonish thee, that thou putst the wrong foot before, and therefore pull back. Yet bear with me, if I doubt whether all be gold that glistereth, sith Saint Martin's rings be but Copper within, though they be gilded without, says the Goldsmith. Idle terms came never from Saint Paul, nor reproachful taunts from Michael: yet S. Paul, no doubt, was merry in his days: and the Archangel, you know, was at controversy with the Devil. Here again how? nay if I troth so heavily, I am neither for Martin's riding, nor these three new merry men's reading. Gape Martin that I may see thy age, but take heed, thou bite me not: I thought so: the mark is not out of thy mouth, for thou hast a Colt's tooth in thine head still: if thou wilt have it drawn by fowl means, these Roisters have béetles to knock it out: if gently, let me be thy tooth drawer, I have a kind heart of mine own, and that name hath been good at such a practice heretofore.  
Take heed Martin, a horse may over reach in a true pace, and thou play the fool though thou shouldst have a good matter in hand. As for my part, I come not to take any part, I am none of those, which love fending and proving, if I can part you but for the time present, I am at my journeys end. Let the higher officers examine the cause, and find the fault (if all be true thou talkest of) where it is: yet (as a well bearded Poet taught a Queen to speak in a Latin Interlude) Etsi causa repetentis bona, Mala sic perentis est. Out upon thee Perceuall, what gibberish is that? what, what, latin in the mouth of a plain fellow? Nay I wots near, but it hath left behind it a wale in my throat like a strange body-louse in an unknown pasture. Well Martin, Sustine pronunc, stand by a trice, but look you depart not the court, in pain of mine Indignation. Thou shalt perceive that like a good sempster, I can cut even by a thread, and part this quarrel without partiality. If I use indifferency, call me not john Indifferent now, for my good will: or if I lay my helping hand, to the cure of such a broil, without breach of peace, or danger of riot; say not thou as an old Pasquil said being in a trance of that famous and modest Clerk Erasmus, that I hang hovering in the mid way betwixt heaven and hell: He no doubt, misused, for fancy sake the memory of a good man deceased: and thou in so saying shouldst mistake the good meaning of one well Disposed. Stand by I say, till thy turn comes about again,  
Now, my Country men on the other part, make your appearance, think not scorn that Perceuall, is somewhat in your tops, my surname is Peacemaker, one that is but poorly regarded in England, because Peace hath been long plentiful: but yet one that may speak with some authority, as long as our most royal Peace-Mistres holds the stern (which God grant long she may.) That fair, and fairest flower, in our garland, if she should fail: then were it high time for Perceuall and all peacemakers, to put up their pipes, or else in steed of the soft violin, learn to sound a shrill trumpet. Well then, let a poor man's tale be hard amongst you. Martin is the man and the mark you shoot your forked arrows at: if you strike his face, you can raise no skin, for his forehead is brass: nor fetch up his blood, because he is given to blush no more than my black dog at home: welfare a fair face upon an ill pair of shoulders yet: if you pierce his heart, you can do him little harm, for he is lived like a Cat: strike his tongue, the biternes of the same, will trace out the Author of the wound, like the fish Torpedo, which being towchd, sends her venom alongst line and angle rod, till it cease on the finger, and so mar a fisher for ever. Fie, fie, will you upon a spleen, run upon a Christian body, with full cry and open mouth? Though indeed I cannot blame you, sith his proceedings were so unchristianlike, if you took him for a Monster, or a Maddog: and so went about to worm him: but I am afraid such a careless cur, is cureless: wormeséede and reasons will do him no good: and for other remedies that might come by insition, his worm-eaten Conscience refuseth, (as Dionysius did the hands of his Barber, for fear lest mistaking his beard, he would have cut his throat) and therefore keepeth him out of your Clutches. It were good to keep such a Cur in awe, but alas hurt him not, for a dog's mouth is medicineable, (they say:) Verum est, if he bite not where he should lick, I am answered. But here is such likening Christianfolks to dogs; that I cannot away with it. Shall we have neighbours children, lie skufling in the kennel together by the ears like bride well birds? it is as good as a bear baiting for them, which love neither, to see either Nouze other so bedlam-like. Never a beadle stirring? nor bear-heard at hand to put his staff in the mouth of the bear, or pull off these dogs? This will prove foul play: whosoever get the victory, Seu vincas, seu vincêris, maculêre necesse est si: the rest was at my finger's end: but far well it, since it is gone: Bear with my shuttle remembrance. I do not think, though Martin and you be of diverse Parishes, but you be all of one Church, sail all in one ship, and dwell all in one Commonwealth. Nay you are all good subjects, or else I would the worst were curbed with a checkthong, as big as a towpenny halter, for halting with a Queen so good and gracious. All this heart burning between you, is but about the bounds of the Parish, and the limits of the Church lands. Let the yoouth be content to be informed of the Mearstones, by the Auncientry of the Parish: and not continue such bustling, backbiting, with facing & defacing one another to the uttermost: this is Spite, and not Spirit, or if it be, it is some spiteful Spirit. It were enough to entitle those Brown sectaries of the Black Prince, with the name of traitors, and not to cast them like squibs & wild fire within your own hatches, and the body of your own Commonwealth. Marry who began (say you:) Martin called traitor first, he spoke lavishly, and must hear as knavishly. Now the blood is up; he that hath most gall in his garbage, thinks to win the goal. And he that hath most tongue powder hopes to drive the other out of the field first. I could tell these eager younsters, how they might be even with their Adversary: give fair words for foul: Do good against evil: and heap hot burning coals upon his head. That is a sentence sooner believed because it is scripture, then put in practice, for all it is true.  
Such a Dean, such a Doctor, slips within the compass of treason cries Martin. Another, takes him by the nose with a pair of lefthanded pincers, and pulls him over the pumps into the same puddle. Wots you 
O P. P. there I played upon thee to thy pain.  what the little wags said, when they had been telling many precious miracles of Robin-goodfellow and the devil? We shall speak so long of the devil in jest, that he shall come amongst us in good earnest: God warrant us, and therewithal, crossed themselves, for it was in the old time: I would we could bless us from him, this new time. But I am afraid, there will be so much talk of traitor, & so long use of such bugs words, that some of our Malcontented Hussnuffs, and Marprelats will prove their words master, yet I will nicke-name no body: I am none of these tuft mockadoo mak-a-dooes: for Qui mocchat, moccabitur, quoth the servingman of Abington.  
And, as who should say, they that named Rebels oftenest with a breath, were the soundest winded subjects: who can tell that? Not I: but sure I am, that the boy which gréeted his father with a letter clapped full of commendations, commendations, and nothing but commendations, proved as untoward a son, as he that directed his superscription to his most obedient parents.  
If Menippus, or the Man in the Moon, be so quicksighted, that he beholds, these bitter sweet jests, these railing outcries: this shoving at Prelates to cast them down, and heaving at Martin to hang him up for Martilmas beef: what would he imagine otherwise, then as that stranger, which seeing a Quintessence (beside the fool & the Maid Marian) of all the picked yoouth, strained out of an whole Endship, footing the Morris about a May pole. And he, not hearing the cry of the bounds, for the barking of dogs, (that is to say) the minstrelsy for the fiddling, the tune for the sound, nor the pipe for the noise of the tabor, bluntly demanded, if they were not all beside themselves, that they so lipd and skipd without an occasion.  
Back with that leg Perceuall: Novice as thou art, dost thou think that we are some, all mad? Alas I am a stranger, & cannot tell what your horse play means. Learn, learn to understand the occasion of those actions: Their words are common? for every cutpurse 
Occasions & actions common.  useth them at the Old bailie, that hath had any skill in his minikin Handsaw.  
I can tell who was acquainted with an old sooker, that carries such pottical verses of the State of Flanders, in a linen bag (though they be no baggage neither) as would make a man think upon driving out sides, and taking of parts as long as he lives. Myself drinking hand to hand with the founder of them: for lack of a nutmeg, he gave me a great and a less, to grate in a spice bowl, and this was the powder. 
Orgia turbantem natum dum mactat Agave,  
Insana, insanum Penthea, credit aprimi.   
Had not he a long wind that sowpd up these two at a draft? and a good head that carried them away without staggering, together with their Appurtenances? Mad was the mother & killed her wood son, etc. That liquid Poet, had asked himself the question, who was in the fault, that two factions were at daggers drawing, till they were like to draw all to an uproar, he answers like a sly slave; Ambo. for that was his meaning, though he whéeld about, seeking to declare his mind, with a Far Fetched Simile.  
But (say you) there is no reason in it, that we should stand bound to the good a-bearing, crcept Martin were bound to the peace. If he snarl like a cur at us, why should not we provide a Bastinado for him? and he making an assault, to mount over our park pales: why may not we have one cast in his Orchard, and a fling at his Medlar tree? Marry sirs, for fear the Cudgel fall down again upon a man's own Costard. If a swift running stream have free passage along the kennel, far well it, you shall never hear worse of it: but stop it, & Hercules like where it finds no way, it will make one: and so set the next neighbours meadows all on a float. When he began to scold first, you should have betook him to an Ostler, to walk, while you had called an officer to chamber his tongue.  
So if you had done, his own poison would have festered in his own flesh. Pride and venom, if they had so rankly possessed his heart, they would have set his own skin a strut, and burst his hide before this time. I see the vain is up in the forehead, and Martin shall have as good as he brings, or else a free school of skolds shallbe set up for the nonce. O that M. Th. Cicero might rise again, a little before his turn, & see railing made a profession, Slander set in a Shrine, and honoured with the slaughter of many ripe wits, in steed of a sacrifice: how would he blame England now, (as he blamed Athens when he lived) for erecting Chapels in honour of that dishonourable cowple: Reproach and Impudence: or as he checked his Country men the Romans, which 
Virtutes enim non vitia con. secrare decet ●ic. de l●. 2.  had builded an altar to the ague, and a monument to the remembrance of Cursed Fortune. I cannot tell what Spiritual Chapels, and Invisible altars our men set up now a days, but I am sure, one of the Largest Churches in England is like to fall on his maribons, and so mar the fashion of his bones, that it may be called Allstones here after. Had Martin walked that way he might have espied a great hole & a miserable maim in the body of that Church. It is an ill wind that blows no man to good they say: yea but the Prophet Aggeus would have given counsel to repair such a place of prayer: if Martin himself cry Havoc at it, believe him not, Aggeus was a great deal the honester man, although while he lived he was no saint. Where was I? my journey lies not that way: I was about to say that the Printers had hard luck if they lost by these matches that are made of late against Martin. Whose states when I look upon, I am ready to cry at as a Country man of mine did, when traversing London streets, he spied a jacke an apes, in a gay cote, sit mooing on a merchants bulk: Good Lord what knacks are made for money, now adays?  
Speak a bloody word in a Barber's shop, you make a forset: and good reason too, Cap him sirrah, if he pay it not. Speak a broad word or use a gross term amongst huntsmen in chaze, you shall be leashed for your labour: as one that disgraceth a gentleman's pastime and game, with the terms of a herdsman. And is there no penalty to repress such lavish over reachers as offer legends of lies to the press? Martin, he put those lies into print unlawfully, which he coined in: & others opposite to his humour will have their lies lie open manifestly, if it be but to show that they dare put in for the whetstone, and make as loud lies as Martin the foreman. But who is the father of such fruit, or the sour of such seed? False witness, & lying was forbade by Moses Law, but is taken up now for a custom, of one lewd Customer, and hath got Chapmen that will never lay it down, except they make their end as tedious to the indifferent Reader, as his beginning was odtous to the peaceable hearer. He that catcheth every flying tale by the end, may chance to take a frog for a fish, and do as the boy, that bitten a snake by the head instead of an éele. hearsay is too slender an evidence to spit a man's credit upon, or to broach a man's Conscience with kitchen terms or any thing, nothing comes amiss to Perceuall.  
I see neighbours how you crowd backward, thinking belike to ride upon my Crupshoulders: I am no Ape Carrier, I pray you defile not my sheep's russet Coat, with your dirty shoes yet: this home made Karsey, and my plain speeches may have as much wool (I dare not say so much wit) as is in your double piled velvet. Blessed are the Peacemakers (I say:) & so are neither the bréeders nor favourites of discord. Cursed are the malicious inventors of slanders; and so are neither the renewers nor continuers of Concord. O so some of those companions ply the boar, to bore a shadow, and beat their knuckels against a bare wall, and to get a sure card on their side, either calls for justice, and seeks to incense our noble Queen against the other. Indeed I confess some of them have great cause so to do, but what then? Let her imperial Majesty alone, by her gracious leisure, and wisdom, she will prepare a boisterous snuffle, for such boisterous headstrong jaddes, as will be wincing. Slow to wrath, and slower to punishment, and always like Elizabeth, she peaseth the sword of justice, with an upright hand: when season serves, she will strike, and yet divide so equally, that she hurts not one heir of an natural subject. No doubt she is the natural mother of this Island (if Solomon himself were judge) that is so tender over her Sons and subjects. And they on the other side, stepdames, and most unnatural parents, that would have their children dismembered & cut off in middle. Again, those children be chaunglings, that in steed of sucking the milk, would suck the blood of their nurses. Dost thou believe there be any Fairies than Perceuall? I cannot tell whether there be Fairies, but I am sure there is a foul Devil that brings forth changeable coured urchins, which can glister like a gloze worm near gold, look pale and wan upon Lead, and brown upon Iron: tell me now, whether is such a one a changeling, a Horselech, or a Chamelaeon? their Law: set down your staff, and pause a while, this heavy farthel hath bred a stitch in my short ribs. But well remembered, Crier, make an, o yes, for Martin to come into the Court. O sir, do you stand under my sleeve, and I see you not? I pray God I have not a fool at mine elbow, the Devil you have, quoth his heavy friends. I think the mad slave, hath tasted on a ferne-stalke, that he walks so invisible.  
I have had conference Martin, with these ruff Roisters that challenged thee at all weapons, from the forest bill, to the bodkin. They seem to blame a certain Pipe of Pistling, that hath took the tip of thy tongue and a vain of lavish jangling, that hath made thy palate rise out of socket. Their teeth water at revenge, and are sharp set on edge: thyself was the grindstone of their wits, and now if they cannot come at the fair, to hold thy nose to the grindstone, they swear to chop thy Relics and hack thine hackle as small as fuel to the fire. I perceive, and they would feign be on thy jack for thy sauciness, that thou art principal picker of the quarrel.  
O Martin, honour grey hears, during thy nonage: or else look for dishonour and dotage if thou canst get any competent years on thy back, before thou procurest a hempen chain above thy shoulders. Be thou a young boy, or a stolen Batchelar, (unmarried thou art by thine own Protestation) learn to reverence those two ornaments of a commonwealth, Age and Authority. Bar this pert bearding of men reputed honest for their behaviour, and honourable both for their calling and counsel: Leave thrumming thy Pibauld jests with Scripture, Iron and Clay will not be tempered together. Thy pamphlets which thou sendest into the broad world, may well be Pistles, but certainly they be no Gospels. The word of God is sufficient to work the will of God, & need not thy frivolous medleiss, thy human traditions, or additions, either to qualify the virtue, or disgrace the enemies thereof, which thou pretendest, being thyself, I doubt, an archenemie to the same.  
Ask the Printer is he have not a merrier book: this fellow is fallen so low into his dumps, that there is no sport in reading him. Let me gape and stretch myself a little, and then hay we ye.  
I find that in every trade and occupation, there is a better and a worse, as there is in every warp of fish, a great and a less. There is a Shoemaker, there is a Cobbler: a Tailor, and a Butcher: a Merchant, and a Broker: a Haberdasher and a Pedlar: a Mason and a Dauber: a Minstrel and a Fiddler: a Parson and a vicar: a Minister and a Curate: there steps me in a third tricksy, neat, nimble, spruce Artificer into every one of these occupations: and like a prick-eared Mule will be of another distinct kind from either dame or fire. One standing all upon his pumps & pantofles, will be above a Shoemaker. Another mounts upon a loftier Shop board then a Tailor, and will be none otherwise termed then a shaper of garments forsooth. Stand thy ground Perceval, never run through such a rabblement of Craftsmen forward, and backward, I am windles to follow thee so fast over & over so many trads. I have thy meaning at one word, as well as at an hundred. Then sir if you be of such a sudden conceit, follow me step by step, from these handicrafts to matters of Religion. Some of conscience study to reform their own lives, & look first into their own bosom: others to the intent that all the world might suppose, that nothing were amiss at home, like bad housewives fly abroad, and search out public imperfections, to busy their heads about. Some again endeavour to practise, without a multiplying of words openly: others bear a ready tongue in their heads, but bray them in a mortar, they will never be mortified in deeds: Some earnest protestants are precise in correcting their own corrupt affections, and in advertising their brother kindly of his faults as they fall: he goes for my money. Comes me in an Hypocritical younster, and he will be a Puritan, and an ase before any that ever bare the name, or else you abuse him. I have heard of words that have degenerated into a worse signification from a better, but few terms that were bettered by any that used them. I hard say a good old Doctor (he shall have my good word though he be laid in his grave) found out Puritanisme in Papistry (for so he termed their feigned hypocrisy) when he dealt against jesuits: then though we cannot be too forward in a good matter, yet the devil can invent sins in excess, aswell as in defect. Men have great desire to be counted high fliers and deep swimmers, yet be the both dangerous exercises, considering that a man hath neither wings to beat the air, nor fins to break the water. Adam would have been a God, but that his foot slipped, and he fell into a state mortal. I do not think, Martin, but the old Serpent can tempt the perfectest Eve that ever was, and then let Eve alone to persuade her husband. But thou hast no Eve to trouble thee: no but thou hast flesh and blood to interrupt thee.  
Nay Perceuall, now you wade into such particulars, you are wide: stand not upon the private censuring of persons, lest thou seemest as senseless, as they which determine upon an Ale bench whether the passenger that passeth by the lettuce, be a Saint or a Devil. Nay ho there neighbour: chaveave heard them say, that if a man point with his finger in the Court of a Prince, he may chance to forfeit his whole fist for his sauciness: he points fair, that disapoints his mouth of such a nurse, as either of his hands be.  
But there is one thing used amongst these Marrers and Markers of folks which mask with vizards of Reformation, that sticks in my stomach, and will not be digested. The greatest coursers, and professed hunters of dumb dogs: such as weary themselves in hollowing after that Vermin, and make their voices hoarse, in crying out against them, are the very foster fathers, that pester our Church with that cattle. I wish that we had none of these toong-tide Curs, that cannot bark, nor say buff to a wolves shadow: if it were possible. But you that most cry out against them, why have you brought them up no better? Why have you not taught some of those Puppes their lerrie? I will take it upon the credit of myself, an upstantiall yeoman, that they most part of these mute shepherds are hatched up under the wing of those which beat most upon the removing of dumb dogs. I could give you some examples in Bedfordshire: a whole rabblement at least. A Preacher, if his conceit be any thing swift, that he can roll it in the pulpit, must have his reader at his elbow, to favour his voice. A Minister that hath any thing a fat benefice, and a full belly, will have his Co-brother to assist him. And what must he be but either an halfpenny boy, or an idle craftsman, that shall serve for meat, drink and cloth, a little tutor in Divinity, & the reversion of a benefice, when it fauls, where his godfathers commendatory letters may prevail. I could well like that men of some desert and employment should have their assistants, so they were Preachers, but you shall not take them in that fault. Where is the conscience of these criers out on blind guides become? not resident at home now: but abroad, busy in inveighing against Bishops for their tolerations granted, to such as themselves have preferred, commended, presented. And by this Legerdemain hath the Commonwealth been robbed of Tailors, Shoemakers, and good Artificers, and the Church overcharged with bad Ministers: which thank God, I dare say in their hearts (with that firehot Preacher) that they are so far from the Romish Religion, as they cannot understand a word of the Latin tongue. I tell you, this is a misery to hear, and a misery to see: that such eager Callers for Reformation, should plant s●ips of their own gathering: supplant Magistrates for winking at it, and make the people believe, that they would have it otherwise, with all their hearts. Now dare these fellows aspire to further authority in Minister-making, when they suffer their houses to be the Nurseries of such impotent and impudent encrochers upon Church-Offices? What say the people to this gear? tush, let the master alone to speak for the man: he will commend him, for his great pro●̄ting in knowledge under him: prefer him for a piece of plain doctrine; praise him, that he is not infected with Philosophy, or such like University learning: but especially that he is an honest man, zealous, forward in Religion, and one that seeks for Reformation. This fellow cannot be misliked I warrant you: I, I that one word of Reformation, Martin, which hath been so much in thy mouth, & so greatly in thy request, hath made thy Customers swarm like Bees to the ringing of a Basin: but take heed, thine own Cat-tail sting thee not, when they shall taste what Hemlockes thou hast mingled, wherewith thine hive was anointed.  
But tush thy gossips will stand upon it, that Martin's clock goes true, though the Devil were in the Horologe: their relish is altered so far with the syrup of self-love, that Choler is called Zeal, and Melancholy, Mortification: whereupon follows swift judgement that cuts all other from salvation: and some bad sullen conceit peevishly taken from their own humorous imagination, that they would have all stamped upon, that be not of their stamp, or will not be strained to their stark staring madness. You had best say now I speak against good men: quatenus they are good, Martin, I am their Orator, in the state demonstrative to extol them: but a wart is a wart if it were in the face of Alexander: frowardness is frowardness, if it were in my Father: sin is sin in holy David himself. And Socrates had a wanton look of his own, though his scholars should beat the Phisiognomer for so saying. I would they were so good as I could wish them: we should have better fruit, and more good deeds, which are now both thin sown god wots, & thinner grown. Yet be they, as be may, I may be thus bold with their masterships. Beware of a heat, for so long as a man is warm, he cannot feel his own imperfections, but thinketh that every man which sweats not is keycold, such fiery Agues fall soon into a surfeit, and founder themselves with their intemperate behaviour. You shall have a lame Jade, bridle, and brag it up and down Smithfield, when he is a little chafed, as though he could stand on no ground for lustiness: set him up in a stable, till he wax a little cold, and his limbs be so stiff, he can stand on no ground for lameness. Some of thy mates Martin, I am afraid, be always stirring so busily, least standing long still in the open fair, they fall to downright halting, and so be disclosed for arrant heldings. Such jadish tricks make a sound horse to be suspected, and some hypocrites, make earnest professors doubted of, yet neither condemned so unmercifully as though there were no way but one: God forbidden. But leave leave, all the sort of you, to bolster up the faults of your own parishioners, & bolt out the scapes ofsuch as are none of your sectaries. One spakey Apple will make the whole hoard smell, pick him out: One Hypocritical dissembler, will bring reproach upon the whole brotherhood, cull him out: and although he defy the Surplice, (which is a point of great valiancy) yet let him be put to the choice of a whip or a white sheet: if he have offered in secrecy to defend this position. That a woman waking may lawfully graft Diana's arms, upon the Temples of her husband sleeping. You mean unhappily Perceuall, whatsoever your words be: I know a newest what Circuit you are in. But is it not a Religious deed to conceal the blemish of a brother, lest the Gospel be ill spoken of for his misdeeds? As who should say the punishment of malefactors were not the fruit of the Gospel? which heavenly & blameless Oracle none but Atheists and Miscreants will condemn for the shameless action, of such a one as speaks of gospels in the day: but useth I knew not what night-spells in the dark. Never be afraid that any which hath his five senses, will impute the fall of a brother to the overgreat knowledge he had in the scriptures: but to the slender practice and profit he made in the same: for all his great boast. Take heed, have an eye to the door, lest that, that friarly Caveat creep in amongst Protestants, 
Simon casle tamen ca●●.  whereby their ghostly Fathers wished a man to live Charily, though not chastened.  
Whether will Perceuall and this weather hold? nay no further Martin, thou mayst spot in that hole, for i'll come no more there: here I pitch my staff, and stand to urge thee, with these promises above named: thou begannest ●●st, and therefore give not over last. Thy beginning was worst, let thine ending be best. Controversies be meat and drink to the people: but do not cram them with such gobbets, as may stick in their throats, lest they hang the head on the shoulder, like him that was slain with an arrow at Tyburn pricks. That is a new kind of dict, with all my heart. Yet sir, when the steel and the flint be knockde together, a man may light his match by the sparkle: surely, but I think tinder be very dank now adays, and though it take fire quickly, yet it takes light by leisure: for there hath been striking and jarring ever since, and a great while before, that a learned man somewhat on thy side, Martin, seemed to persuade that contention for good matters was good: you should have his words: but that Graecum est, non potest legi: and yet I see no more Candles tinded than wont to be, but a great many Beacons 
Car.  more fired than ought to be. You shall never make me believe, that many Arguments turn soon to Agréements. I have seen them, which have seen such hurly-burlies about a couple, (that were no Fathers of the Church neither) Aristotle and Ramus, or else ask the Universities, such a quoil with pro and con, such urging of Ergoes, till they have gone from Art together by the ears, & made their conclusions end with a Clunch-fist, right like the old description of Logic. My young masters could not be content to whet their wits with such a contention: but fell to whetting their Tusks at one another: like those children which sitting in the Chimney corner, some at one side, some at another, with the fire in the middle; fell to it with firebrands, when they should have but warmed themselves and away. One little spark of dissension, is able to set a whole house, a Town, an University, a City, a whole Realm on fire, the affections of young men be so ready to nourish it. Well then Martin, and you professed Mar-martins', in presence of me Perceuall shake hands & be friends, meet half way, and I standing jump in the middle will cry aim to you both: so as you come not running with force and main, and crush me betwixt you for my good will. As for thine offence Martin, of higher Powers, I dare undertake, the Bishops seek no blood, so as thy rash attempt might be qualified with submission. And so did Paul, (cl I am deceived) either plead ignorance for an excuse, or seem to recant & correct his ruff speech, he had made to a man in authority: belike he was afraid lest his example should have animated any pert controllers of Magistracy, and therefore cut them down, which should speak ill of the Ruler of the people. How strangely look these merchants on both sides? I would we had an Ostler to give them a turn or two till their sweeting were done. What metal be they made of? their noise nothing like bells, & yet a man may stop his ears to hear their din, with honesty: it goes through my head, and makes a great many more deaf and displeased besides me. They agree like two drums, which are headed, the one with a sheep's skin, the other with a wolves hide. It can never be good music, that stands all upon sharpes, and never a flat: all divisions framed with such long discords, & not so much as a concord to end withal, argues a bad ear, & a bungling Artist. Martin and counter Martin, be you not all Country men? make you no account of that name? unnatural children, will you distract your natural mother? will you send Foxes with fire brands at their tails, to burn so forward a crop of toward youth, so well eared, that they put us in hope already of a timely harvest, and a plentiful Gardener for seven years after? send not a whirl wind amongst them, lest beating one against another, they dash out the Curnell, or be ledgde on the ground.  
Go too I say, never strain courtesy, who shall begin: beshrew him that comes lag in so good a course as is renewing of friendship. Down with those great hearts, and bridle those angry fits, stand not in that clamorous accusation of one another, the best of both may be amended. Let the wisest be the forwardest, and the most fool the frowardest. What overthwart companions be these, the more I persuade, the more they look askance over their shoulders: you turn the wrong way & be too wayward. Remember yourselves, walk about, and cool this flushing in the face, left it fume up, & make you brain sick. I would feign do some good upon you: but when I lead a horse to the water, if he will not drink, what can I do, but whistle him. If my presence persuade nothing, yet in mine absence, think of Perceval, and let him not have his name Peacemaker for nought. I am sorry, if I have put my finger in the fire, & cannot quench it: yet the best is, I can pull it out again harmless, for a wet finger burns not. I will keep me far enough from the flame, though perhaps I may smell in the smoke, by touching the brands.  
O Perceuall! so some of these will bedaube thee with Ink, and plague thee with black and white: for I see how they gird thee in their sleeves already. Tush I can paint as fast as they, though perhaps not altogether so fair. But a jews letter scribble scrable over the Copurtenaunce of a man's countenance, will dash a body wickedly. You see my quarter staff, is it not a bless beggar, think you? A washing blow of this is as good as a Laundress, it will wash for the names sake: it can wipe a fellow over the thumbs, wring a man in the withers, and must needs dry beat a scoundrel, if it be artificially managed. Will you fight then Perceuall? no truly, I had rather see my quarter ash staff converted into ashes, than I would use it against any person: and then I am sure I shall not be pinched on the parson's side: for they would have peace as well as I. But let a Travailor walk with his implements about him: A Dag case may be as good now and then as a case of Dags. The sight of a Hanger rusted in the sheath hanging by one's side, may safe conduct a body's purse, and save a picking saint hearted thief from hanging beside. But what if these Roisters draw their Pen and Inkhorns, and so set upon thee? They may quickly set me up, for I will be no Peace-Breaker: yet if they house me, I may chance to thrust a wisp out of the window and so make them waspish. O that is an excellent Auditor for a scold, a cucking stool will cool somewhat too much this wether: but a wisp will heat to the heart like malmsey. But you my Masters that strive, for this supernatural art of wrangling: let all matters be hushed and quiet a Godsname: if my tongue wax currant at the later end of my tale, and incur any suspicion that I am currish natured, because I talk of my fence, writ my terms in the wind, or let them pass for wind: and carouse up your own quarrels in the cup, and let the liquor and they, like good fellows, march arm in arm, down your throats. And so having skinkde mine Vltimum Vale in a parting pot, I put you both in a draft: And drink to the funerals of your Enmity. Stay good neighbours, now I am for your company.  
Medio Tutissimus ibis.   

This work being finished, and red over and óuer by the head of the parish, they called a vestry, wherein they concluded, to write every man some verses in the commendation of the Author, because it was a custom greatly taken up in the University of late. And thus they flourish in their mother tongue, as here followeth.  

The gay bay Larell bow, that pranks my Coal,  
As special fore horse of my beanefed Teeme,  
Take Perceuall, and clap it on thy pole,  
Whose fortops such a branch doth well be seem:  
If any ask why thou art clad so garish:  
Say thou art dubbed the fore-horse of the parish.  
Quoth A. N. Carter.   

Holdhether, thou bell wether, of my fold,  
Although thou hast discharged thy duty well:  
Surrender up thy watch though it were gold:  
For learned Perceuall must bear the bell.  
If (quoth my wether) it be Perceuall:  
Let him for me, take bell and horns and all.  
Not so quoth G. A. Shepherd.   

Thy praises Perceuall shall flourish in my dairy,  
My Paper, Curds, my Pen shall be a spoon,  
Where I for aye will make thy praises tarry:  
And if my Paper do not sink too soon,  
Else will I write them all upon a cheese,  
That as the same increaseth, so may these.  
Quoth goodman Bl. farmar.    

The cobblers prophecy upon the Author.  

This patch here placed, the which I baste:  
And sow so fast, shall sooner waste  
Than Percevals renown.   

My shoe shall rénd, my awl blade bend,  
My lingels' end, first shall I spend,  
Before his works go down.   

At these assays, thou gettest such praise,  
As near decay, then go thy ways,  
For I stand to the same.   

If any such, by chance I touch,  
As seems to grudge, for I speak so much,  
George Cobbler is my name.   
FINIS.   



My friends all favour I beseech,  
To yield our Perceuall good speech:  
hushed Momus or my needell in thy breech.  
Cast me the bottom of brown  
thread hither.   

All folks of favour I beseech,  
To yield our Perceuall good speech:  
Or else my needell in their breech.  
Cast me hither the bottom  
of brown thread.   

So I will chalk thy praises up,  
And preach thy fame upon a cup:  
Remembering Perce, at every sup.  
But that I have such haste of my  
work against Christide.   
Quoth N. G. Butcher.   

Feceris Hussnuffos scribendo relinquere Cussos,  
Necnon Martinos (appositiuè dico) malè natos cùm part binos,  
Es quoque Clubfistos omnes pacaucris istos,  
Perceuall, ac idem (si possess) scindere pridem  
Inceptas lights, vis, tanquam runcina, vites.  
Es melior, (quidest Latinè propter.) An Alehouse  
To 'stablish friendship, or botch up Peace in an Endship.  
Twenty pound for a Dictionary.  
Given in the Church lost. By me H. D. Schollard maker for fault of a better.   
FINIS.   

Faults escaped.  
Page 1. line 11 read Alchemists.  
Line 30. read not with them.  
Line 31. Gins read Guns.  
Page 9 line 21. aprimi read aprum.  
Page 12. line 35. coured read coloured.