¶ The play called the four PP.  
¶ A new and a very merry interlude of 

A palmer.  
A pardoner.  
A apothecary.  
A peddler.    
Made by Iohn Heewood   
❧ Palmer. 
Now god be here who keepeth this place  
Now by my faith I cry you mercy  
Of reason I must sew for grace  
My rewdnes showeth me no so homely  
Whereof your pardon axt and won  
I sew you as courtesy doth me bind  
To tell this which shallbe begun  
In order as may come best in myndy  
I am a palmer as ye see  
Which of my life much part hath spent  
In many a fair and far country  
As pilgrims do of good intent  
At Jerusalem have I been  
Before Christ'S blessed sepulture  
The mount of calvary have I seen  
A holy place ye may be sure  
To josephat and Olyuete  
On foot god wot I went right bore  
Many a salt tear died I sweet  
Before this carks could come there  
Yet have I been at Rome also  
And gone the stations all a-row  
Saint Peter's shrine and many more  
Then if I told all ye do know  
Except that there be any such  
That hath been there and diligently  
Hath taken heed and marked much  
Then can they speak as much as I  
Then at the Rhodes also I was  
And round about to amyas  
At saint Toncomber and saint Tronion  
At saint Bothulph and saint Anne of Buckston  
On the hills of Armony where I see noah's ark  
With holy job and saint George in Suthwarke  
At Waltam and at Walsyngam  
And at the good rood of dagnam  
At saint Cornelys at saint james in Gales  
And at saint Wynefrydes well in Walls  
At our lady of Boston at saint edmund's byry  
And straight to saint patrick's purgatory  
At rydybone and at the blood of Hails  
Where pilgrims pains right much avails  
At saint Davys and at saint Denis  
At saint Matthew and saint Mark in Venice  
At master johan shorn at Canterbury  
The graet god of Katewade at king Henry  
At saint saviours at our lady of Southwell  
At Crome at Wylsdome and at Muswell  
At saint richard and at saint Roke  
And at our lady that standeth in the oak  
To these with other many one  
Devoutly have I prayed and gone  
praying to them to pray for me  
Unto the blessed trinity  
By whose prayers and my daily pain  
I trust the sooner to obtaye  
For my salvation grace and mercy  
For be ye sure I think surely  
Who seeketh saints for Crystes sake  
And namely such as pain do take  
On foot to punish thy frail body  
Shall thereby merit more highly  
Then by any thing done by man  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ And when ye have gone as far as ye can  
For all your labour and ghostly intent  
Yet welcome home as wise as ye went  ☞ Palmer. 
¶ Why sir despise ye pilgrimage  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ Nay for god sir than did I rage  
I think ye right well occupied  
To seek these saints on every side  
Also your pain I not dispraise it  
But yet I discomende your wit  
And or we go even so shall ye  
If ye in this will answer me  
I pray you show what the cause is  
Ye went all these pilgrimages  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Forsooth this life I did begin  
To rid the bondage of my sin  
For which these saints rehearsed or this  
I have both sought and seen iwis  
beseeching them to be record  
Of all my pain unto the lord  
That giveth all remission  
Upon each man's contrition  
And by their good mediation  
Upon mine humble submission  
I trust to have in very deed  
For my soul health the better speed.  ☞ Pardonar. 
¶ Now is your own confession lyckely  
To make yourself a fool quickly  
For I perceive ye would obtain  
No nother thing for all your pain  
But only grace your soul to save  
Now mark in this what wit ye have  
To seek so far and help so nigh  
Even here at home is remedy.  
For at your door myself doth dwell  
Who could have saved your soul as well  
As all your wide wand'ring shall do  
Though ye went thrice to jericho  
Now sins ye might have sped at home  
What have ye won by ronning at Rome.  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ If this be true that ye have moved  
Then is my wit in deed reproved  
But let us here first what ye are  ❧ Pardonar. 
¶ Truly I am a pardoner.  ☞ Palmer. 
¶ Truly a pardoner that may be true  
But a true pardoner doth not ensue  
Right seld is it seen or never.  
That truth and pardoners dwell together  
For be your pardons never so great  
Yet them to enlarge ye will not let  
With such lies that oft-times christ wots  
Ye seem to have that ye have not  
Wherefore I went myself to the self thing  
In every place and without feigning  
Had as much pardon there assuredly  
As ye can promise me here doutefully  
How be it I think ye do but scofte  
But if ye had all the pardon ye keep of  
And no whit of passion granted  
In any place where I have haunted  
Yet of my labour I nothing repent.  
God hath respect how each time is spent  
And as in his knowledge all is regarded  
So by his goodness all is rewarded  ❧ Pardonar. 
¶ By the first part of this last tale  
It seemeth you come late from the ale  
For reason on your side so far doth fail  
That ye leave soning and begin to rail  
Wherein ye forget your own part clearly  
For ye be as untrue as I  
And in one point ye are beyond me  
For ye may lie by authority  
〈…〉 that hath wandered so far  
That no man can be their controller  
And where ye esteem your labour so much  
I say yet again my pardons be such  
That if there were a thousand souls on a heap  
I would bring them all to heaven as good cheap  
As ye have brought yourself on pilgrimage  
In the lest quarter of your viage  
Which is far a this side heaven by god  
There your labour and pardon is odd  
With small cost and without any pain  
These pardons bringeth them to heaven plain  
give me but a penny or two pens  
And as soon as the soul departeth hens  
In half an hour or three quarters at most  
The soul is in heaven with the holy ghost  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Send ye any souls to heaven by water  ☞ Pardoner. 
⚜ If we did sir what is the matter  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ By god I have a dry soul should thither  
I pray you let our souls go to heaven together  
So busy you twain be in soul's health  
May not a apothecary come in by stealth  
Yes that I will by saint Antony  
And by the leave of this company  
Prove ye false knaves both or we go  
In part of your sayings as this so  
Thou by thy travail thinkest heaven to get  
And thou by pardons and relics countest no let  
To send thine own soul to heaven sure  
And all other whom thou list to procure  
If I took an action than were they blank  
For like thieves the knaves rob away my thank  
All souls in heaven having relief  
Shall they thank your crafts nay thank mine chief  
No soul ye know entereth heaven gate  
Till from the body he be separate  
And whom have ye known die hostlye  
Without help of the apothecary  
Nay all that cometh to our handling  
Except ye hap to come to hanging  
That way perchance ye shall not mister  
To go to heaven without a glister  
But be ye sure I would be woe  
If ye should change to beguile me so  
As good to lie with me a night  
As hang abroad in the moan light  
There is no choice to flee my hand  
But as I said into the band  
sins of our souls the multitude  
I send to heaven when all is viewed  
Who should but I then all together  
Have thank of all their coming thither  Pardoner. 
¶ If ye killed a thousand in an hour space  
When come they to heaven dying from state of grace  ❧ apothecary. 
❧ If a thousand pardons about your necks were tied  
When come they to heaven if they never died  ☞ Palmer. 
⚜ Long life after good works in deed  
Doth hinder man's receipt of meed  
And death before one duty done  
May make us think we die to soon  
Yet better tarry a thing then have it  
Then go to soon and vainly crave it  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ The longer ye dwell in communication  
The less shall you like this imagination  
For ye may perceive even at the first chop  
Your tale is trapped in such a stop  
That at the lest ye seem worse than we  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ By the mass I hold us nought all three  ❧ peddler. 
¶ By our lady then have I gone wrong  
And yet to be here I thought long  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Brother ye have gone wrong no wit  
I praise your fortune and your wit  
That can direct you so discreetly  
To plant you in this company  
Thou palmer and thou a pardoner  
I a apothecary.  ☞ peddler. 
❧ And I a peddler  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Now on my faith full well watched  
Were the devil were we four hatched  ☞ peddler. 
¶ That maketh no matter sins we be matched  
I could be merry if that I catched  
Some money for part of the ware in my pack  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ What the devil hast thou there at thy back  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Why dost thou not know that every pedled  
In every tryfull must be a meddler  
specially in women's tryflynges  
Those use we chief above all things  
Which things to see if ye be disposed  
Behold what ware here is disclosed  
This gear showeth itself in such beauty  
That each man thinketh it saith come buy me  
Look were yourself can like to be chooser  
Yourself shall make price though I be loser  
Is here nothing for my father Palmer  
Have ye not a want on in a corner  
For your walking to holy places  
By christ I have herd of as strange cases  
Who liveth in love or love would win  
Even at this pack he must begin  
Where is right many a proper token  
Of which by name part shall be spoken  
Gloves, pins, combs, glasses unspotted  
Pomanders, hooks, and lasses knotted  
broaches, rings, and all manner beads  
Lace round and flat for women's heads  
Nedyls, thread thymbell, shers, and all such knacks  
Where lovers be no such things lacks  
Sypers swathbondes rybandes and sleeve lace's  
Gyrdyls, knives, purses, and pyncases.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Do women buy their pyncases of you.  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Ye that they do I make god a vow  ⚜ Potycary. 
¶ So mote I thrive then for my part  
I be shrew thy knaves naked heart  
For making my wife is pyncase so wide  
The pins fall out they can not abide  
Great pins must she have one or other  
If she lose one she will find an other  
Wherein I find cause to complain  
New pins to her pleasure and my pain  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Sir ye seem well seen in women's causes  
I pray you tell me what causeth this  
That women after their arising  
Be so long in their appareling  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Forsooth women have many lets  
And they be masked in many nets  
As frontlettes, fyllettes, parlettes, and barcelettes  
And then their bonnets and their poynettes  
By these lets and nets the let is such  
That speed is small when haste is much.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ An other cause why they come not forward  
Which maketh them daily to draw backward  
And yet is a thing they can not forbear  
The trimming and pynning up their gear  
specially their fydling with the tail pin  
And when they would have it prick in  
If it chance to double in the cloth  
Then be they wode and sweareth an oath  
Till it stand right they will not forsake it  
Thus though it may not yet would they make it  
But be ye sure they do but defer it  
For when they would make it oft times mar it  
But prick them and pin them as nyche, as ye will  
And yet will they look for pynning still  
So that I durst hold you a joint  
Ye shall never have them at a fall point  ☞ peddler. 
⚜ Let women's matters pass and mark mine  
What ever their points be, these points be fine  
Wherefore if ye be willing to buy  
Ley down money, come of quickly.  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Nay by my troth we be like friars  
We are but beggars we be no buyers  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Sir ye may show your ware for your mind  
But I think ye shall no profit find  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Well though this your neigh acquit no cost  
Yet think I not my labour lost  
For by the faith of my body  
I like full well this company  
Up shall this pack for it is plain  
I came not hither all for gain  
Who may not play one day in a week  
May think his thrift is far to seek  
devise what pastime ye think best  
And make ye sure to find me priest  ❧ apothecary. 
☞ Why be ye so universal  
That you can do what so ever ye shall.  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Sir if ye list to appose me  
What I can do then shall ye see.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Than tell me this be ye perfit in drinking  ☞ peddler. 
¶ perfit in drinking as may be wysht by thinking  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Then after your drinking how fall ye to winking  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Sir after drinking while the shot is tynking  
Some heads be swimming but mine will be sinking  
And upon drinking mine eyse will be pynking  
For winking to drinking is always lynking.  ❧ Potycary· 
¶ Then drink and sleep ye can well do  
But if ye were desired thereto  
I pray you tell me can you sing  ☞ peddler. 
⚜ Sir I have some sight in singing.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ But is your breast any thing sweet.  ☞ peddler. 
⚜ What ever my breast be, my voice is meet,  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ That answer showeth you a right singing man  
Now what is your will good father than.  ❧ Palmer. 
☞ What helpeth will where is no skill  ☞ Pardoner. 
⚜ And what helpeth skill where is no wit.  ❧ apothecary. 
☞ For will or skill what helpeth it  
Where froward knaves be lacking will  
Leave of this curyosytie  
And who that list sing after me.  ☞ Here they sing. ❧ peddler. 
¶ This liketh me well so mot I the.  ☞ Pardoner. 
❧ So help me god it liketh not me  
Where company is met and well agreed  
Good pastime doth right well in deed  
But who can sit in dalliance  
Men sit in such a variance  
As we were set or ye came in  
Which strife this man did first begin  
Alleging that such men as use  
For love of god not and refuse  
On for to go from place to place  
A pilgrimage calling for grace  
Shall in that pain with penitence  
Obtain discharge of conscience  
Comparing that life for the best  
Enduction to our endless rest  
Upon these words our matter grew  
For if he could avow them true  
As good to be a gardener  
As for to be a pardoner  
But when I hard him so far wide  
I then approached and replied  
saying this that this indulgence  
Having the foresaid penitence  
dischargeth man of all offence  
With much more profit than this pretence  
I ask but two pens at the most  
I iwis this is not very great cost  
And from all pain without despair  
My soul for his keep even his chair  
And when he dieth he may be sure  
To come to heaven even at pleasure  
And more than heaven he can not get  
How far so ever he list to let  
Then is his pain more than his wit  
To wake to heaven sins he may sit  
Sir as we were in this contention  
In came this daw with his invention  
Revelling us himself avaunting  
That all the souls to heaven ascending  
Are most bound to the apothecary  
Because he helpeth most men to die  
Before which death he sayeth in deed  
No soul in heaven can have his meed  ☞ peddler 
¶ Why do potycaries kill men.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ By god men say so now and then.  ☞ peddler. 
¶ And I thought ye would not have mist  
To make men live as long as ye list.  ❧ apothecary. 
⚜ As long as we list, nay long as they can.  ☞ peddler. 
¶ So might we live without you than.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Ye but yet it is necessary  
For to have a apothecary  
For when ye feel your conscience ready  
I can send you to heaven quickly  
Wherefore concerning our matter here  
Above these twain I am best clear  
And if he list to take me so  
I am content you and no more  
Shall be our judge as in this case  
Which of us three shall take the best place  ☞ peddler. 
¶ I neither will judge the best nor worst  
For be ye blessed or be ye cursed  
Ye know it is no whit my sleight  
To be a judge in matters of weight  
It behoveth no peddlers nor proctors  
To take on them judgement as doctors  
But if your minds be only set  
To work for soul health ye be well met  
For each of you somewhat doth show  
That souls toward heaven by you do grow  
Then if ye can so well agree  
To continue together all three  
And all you three obey on will  
Then all your minds ye may fulfil  
As if ye came all to one man  
Who should go pilgrimage more than he can  
In that ye palmer as debite  
May clearly dyscharde him pard  
And for all other sins once had contryssyon  
Your pardons giveth him full remission  
And then ye master apothecary  
May send him to heaven by and by.  ❧ apothecary. 
⚜ If he taste this box nigh about the prime  
By the mass he is in heaven or even long time  
My craft is such that I can right well  
Send my friends to heaven and myself to hell  
But sirs mark this man for he is wise  
How could devise such a device  
For if we three may be as one  
Then be we lords everichone  
Between us all could not be myste  
To save the souls of whom we list  
But for good order at a word  
Twain of us must wait on the third  
And unto that I do agree  
For both you twain shall wait on me  
What chance is this that such an elf  
Commanded two knaves be, beside himself  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ Nay nay my friend that will not be  
I am to good to wait on the.  ☞ Palmer. 
⚜ By our lady and I would be loath  
To wait on the better on you both  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Yet be ye sewer for all this doubt  
This waiting must be brought about  
Men can not prosper wilfully led  
All thing decays where is no head  
Wherefore doubtless mark what I say  
To one of you three twain must obey  
And sins ye can not agree in voice  
Who shall be head, there is no choice  
But to devise som● manner thing  
Wherein ye all be 〈◊〉 cunning  
And in the same 〈…〉 do best  
The other twain 〈◊〉 make them pressed  
In every thing 〈…〉 his intent  
Holly to be at com●●●ndement  
And now have I found one mastery  
That ye can do presently  
And is neither selling nor buying  
But even only very dying  
And all ye three can lie as well  
As can the falsest devil in hell  
And though afore ye hard me grudge  
In greater matters to be your judge  
Yet in lying I can some skill  
And if I shall be judge I will  
And be ye sure without flattery  
Where my consciens findeth the mastery  
Theridamas shall my judgement straight be found  
Though I might win a thousand pound  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Sir for lying though I can do it  
Yet am I loath for to go to it  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Ye have not cause to fear to be bold  
For ye may be here uncontrolled  
And ye in this have good advantage  
For lying is your comen usage  
And you in dying be well sped  
For all your craft doth stand in falsehood  
Ye need not care who shall begin  
For each of you may hope to win  
Now speak all three even as ye find  
Be ye agreed to follow my mind  ☞ Palmer. 
❧ Ye by my troth I am content.  ☞ Pardoner. 
⚜ Now in good faith and I assent  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ If I denied I were a noddy  
For all is mine by god's body.  ☞ Here the apothecary hoppeth. ❧ Palmer. 
⚜ Here were a hopper to hop for the ring  
But sir this gear goth not by hopping.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ Sir in this hoping I will hop so well  
That my tongue shall hop aswell as my hele  
Upon which hopping I hope and not doubt it  
To hope so that ye shall hope without  ❧ Palmer. 
⚜ Sir I will n●●ther boast ne brawll  
But take such fortune as may fall  
And if ye wynne●●s mastery  
I will obey you quietly  
And sure I think that quietness  
In any man is g●●●t richesse  
In any manner company  
To rule or be ruled indifferently.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ By that boast thou seemest a beggar in deed  
What can thy quietness help us at need  
If we should sta●e thou hast not I think  
One penny to buy us one pot of drink  
Nay if richesse myghe rule the roast  
Behold what cause I have to boast  
Lo here be pardons half a dosyn  
For ghostly riches they have no cousin  
And more over to me they bring  
Sufficient succour for my living  
And here be relics of such a kind  
As in this world no man can find  
kneel down all fore and when ye leave kissing  
Who list to offer shall have my blessing  
Friends here shall ye see even anon  
Of all Hallows the blessed jaw bone  
Kys it hardly with good devotion  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ This kiss shall bring us much promotion  
Faugh, by saint ●●●your I never kyst a wars  
Ye were as goo●●ysse all hallows are  
For by all halows me thinketh  
That all halows breath stinketh  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Ye judge all halows breath unknown  
If any breath stink it is your own.  ☞ apothecary. 
⚜ I know mine own breath from all halows  
Or else it were time to kiss the gallows.  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ Nay sirs behold here may ye see  
The great toe of the trinity  
Who to this toe any money voweth  
And ones may role it in his moveth  
All his life after I undertake  
He shall be rid of the tooth ache.  ☞ apothecary. 
⚜ I pray you torn that relic about  
Other the trinity had the gout  
Or else because it is iii toes in one  
God made it much as three toes alone.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Well let that pass and look upon this  
Here is a relic that doth not miss  
To help the lest aswell as the most  
This is a buttock bone of Pentecoste.  ❧ apothecary. 
⚜ By christ and yet for all your boast  
This relic hath be shyten the roast  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Mark well this relic here is awhipper  
My friends unfeigned here is a slipper  
Of one of the seven slepers be sure  
Doutiesse this kiss shall do you great pleasure  
For all these two days it shall so ease you  
That none other savours shall displease you.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ All these two days, nay all this two year  
For all the savours that may come here  
Can be no worse for at a word  
One of the seven ●epers trod in a torde.  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Sir me thinketh your devotion is but small  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ Small marry me thinketh he hath none at all.  ☞ apothecary. 
⚜ What the devil care I what ye think  
Shall I praise relics when they stink.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Here is an eyetooth of the great Turk  
Whose eyes be on●s set on this piece of work  
May happily lose part of his eye sight  
But not all till he be blind out right.  ❧ apothecary. 
⚜ What so ever any other man seeth  
I have no devotion to Turk's teeth  
For all though I never saw a greater  
Yet me thinketh I have seen many better.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Here is a box full of humble bees  
That stonge Eve as she sat on her knees  
tasting the fruit to her forbidden  
Who kisseth the bees within this hidden  
Shall have as much pardon of right  
As for any relic he kissed this night.  ❧ Palmer. 
⚜ Sir I will kiss them with all my heart.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ Kiss them again and take my part  
For I am not worthy, nay let be  
Those bees that stung Eve shall not sting me.  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ Good friends I have yet here in this glass  
Which on the drink at the wedding was  
Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly  
If ye honour this relic devoutly  
All though ye thirst no whit the less  
Yet shall ye drink the more doubtless  
After which drinking ye shall be as meet  
To stand on your heed as on your feet  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Ye marry now I can ye thank  
In presents of this the rest be blank  
Would god this relic had come rather  
Kiss that relic well good father  
Such is the pain that ye palmers take  
To kiss the pardon bowl for the drink sake  
O holy yeste that looketh full sour and stolen  
For god's body help me to a cup of ale  
The more I be hold thee, the more I thirst  
The oftener I kiss thee, more like to burst  
But sins I kiss the so devoutly  
Hire me and help me with drink till I die  
What so much praying and so little speed  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Ye for god knoweth when it is need  
To send folks drink but by saint Antony  
I ween he hath sent you to much all ready.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ If I have never the more for the  
Then be the relykes no riches to me  
Nor to thyself except they be  
More beneficial than I can see  
richer is one box of his treacle  
Then all thy relics that do no myrakell  
It thou hadst prayed but half so much to me  
As I have prayed to thy relics and the  
Nothing concerning mine occupation  
But straight should have wrought in operation  
And as in value I pass you an ace  
Here lieth much richesse in little space  
I have a box of rhubarb here  
Which is as dainty as it is dear  
So help me god and hollydam  
Of this I would not give a deam  
To the best friend I have in England's ground  
Though he would give me twenty pound  
For though the stomach do it abhor  
It pourget you 〈◊〉 from the colour  
And maketh your stomach sore to walter  
That ye shall never come to the halter  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Then is that ●●●ycyn a sovereign thing  
To preserve a mostrom from hanging.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ If ye will ●wprd● out this crome that ye see  
If ever ye be ha●●ed never trust me  
Here have I dia●●mpholicus  
A special ointment as doctors discuse  
For a fistela or a canker  
This ointment is even shot anchor  
For this medicine helpeth one and other  
Or bringeth them in case that they need no other  
Here is syrapus de Byzansis  
A little thing is Enough of this  
For even the weight of one scryppull  
Shall make you strong as a cryppull  
Here be other as diosfialios  
Diagalanga and stechados  
Blanka manna diospoliticon  
Mercury sublime and metridaticon  
Pelitory and arsefetita  
Cassy and colloquintita  
These be the things that break all strife  
Between man's sickness and his life  
From all pain these shall you deliver  
And set you even at rest for ever  
Here is a medicine no more like the same  
Which commonly is called thus by name  
Alikakabus or Alkakengy  
A goodly thing for dogs that be mangy  
such be these medicines that I can  
Help a dog as well as a man  
Nat one thing here particularly  
But worketh universally  
For it doth me as much good when I sell it  
As all the buyers that taste it or smell it  
Now sins my medicines be so special  
And in operation so general  
And ready to work when so ever they shall  
So that in riches I am principal  
If any reward may entreat ye  
I beseech your mastership be good to me  
And ye shall have a box of marmelade  
So fine that ye may dig it with a spade.  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Sir I thank you but your reward  
Is not the thing that I regard  
I must and will be indifferent  
Wherefore proceed in your intent.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Now if I wist this wish no sin  
I would to god I might begin.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ I am content that thou lie first  ❧ Palmer. 
⚜ Even so am I and say thy worst  
Now let us here of all thy lies  
The greatest lie thou mayst devise  
And in the fewyst words thou can  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Forsooth ye be an honest man.  ❧ Palmer. 
⚜ There said ye much but yet no lie.  ☞ Pardoner. 
❧ Now lie ye both by our lady  
Thou liest in boast of his honesty  
And he hath lied in affirming thee  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ If we both lie and ye say true  
Then of these lies your part adieu  
And if ye win make none avaunt  
For ye are sure of one ill servant  
Ye may perceive by the words he gave  
He taketh your mastership but for a knave  
But who told true or lied in deed  
That will I know or we proceed  
Sir after that I first began  
To praise you for an honest man  
When ye affirmed it for no lie  
Now by our faith speak even truly  
Thought ye your affirmation true.  ❧ Palmer. 
⚜ Ye marry I for I would ye knew  
I think myself an honest man.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ What thought ye in the contrary than.  ❧ Pardoner. 
⚜ In that I said the contrary  
I think from troth I did not vary.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ And what of my words.  ❧ Pardoner. 
¶ I thought ye lied.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ And so thought I by god that died  
Now have you twain each for himself laid  
That none hath lied out but both revelayd  
And of us twain none hath denied  
But both affirmed that I have lied  
Now sins both your troth confess  
And that we both my lie so witness  
That twain of us three in one agree  
And that the liar the winner must be  
Who could provide such evidences  
As I have done in this pretense  
Me thinketh this matter sufficient  
To cause you to give judgement  
And to give me the mastery  
For ye perceive these knaves can not lie  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Though neither of us as yet had lied  
Yet what we can do is untried  
For yet we have devised nothing  
But answered you and given hiring  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Therefore I have devised one way  
Whereby all three your minds may say  
For each of you one tale shall tell  
And which of you telleth most marvel  
And most unlike to be true  
Shall most prevail what ever ensue.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ If ye be set in mer●alynge  
Then shall ye here a marvelous thing  
And though in deed all be not true  
Yet sure the most part shall be new  
I did a cure no longer a go  
But Anno domini millelimo  
On a woman young and so fair  
That never have I seen a gayre  
God save all women from that likeness  
This want on had the fallen sickness  
Which by dissent came lineally  
For her mother had it naturally  
Wherefore this woman to recure  
It was more hard ye may be sure  
But though I boast my craft is such  
That in such things I can do much  
How oft she fell were much to report  
But her head so gydy and her heels so short  
That with the twyngling of an eye  
Down would she fall even by and by  
But or she would arise again  
I showed much practise much to my pain  
For the tallest man within this town  
Should not with ease have broken her sown  
All though for life I did not doubt her  
Yet did I take more pain about her  
Than I would take with my own sister  
Sir at the last I gave her a glister  
I thrust a thampyon in her tewel  
And bad her keep it for a jewel  
But I knew it so heavy to carry  
That I was sure it would not tarry  
For where gunpowder is once fired  
The tampyon will no longer be hyerd  
Which was well seen in time of this chance  
For when I had charged this ordinance  
suddenly as it had thonderd  
Even at a clap loosed her bumberd  
Now mark for here beginneth the revel  
This tampion flew ten long mile level  
To a fair castle of lime and stone  
For strength I know not such a one  
Which stood upon an hill full high  
At foot whereof a river ran buy  
So deep till chance had it forbidden  
Well might the regent there have riden  
But when this tampyon on this castle light  
It put the castles so far to flight  
That down they came each upon other  
No stone left standing by god's mother  
But rolled down so fast the hill  
In such a number and so did fill  
From bottom to bryme from shore to shore  
This foresaid river so deep before  
That who list now to walk thereto  
May wade it over and wet no shoe  
So was this castle laid wide open  
That every man might see the token  
But in a good hour may these words be spoken  
After the tampyon on the walls was wroken  
And piece by piece in pieces broken  
And she delivered with such violens  
Of all her inconueniens  
I left her in good health and lust  
And so she doth continue I trust.  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Sir in your cure I can nothing tell  
But to our purpose ye have said well.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Well sir then mark what I can say  
I have been a pardoner many a day  
And done greater cures ghostly  
Then ever he did bodily  
Namely this one which ye shall here  
Of one departed within this seven year  
A friend of mine and likewise I  
To her again was as friendly  
Who fell so sick so suddenly  
That deed she was even by and by  
And never spoke with pressed nor clerk  
Nor had no whit of this holy work  
For I was thence it could not be  
Yet hard I say she asked for me  
But when I bethought me how this chanced  
And that I have to heaven advanced  
So many souls to me but strangers  
And could not keep my friend from dangers  
But she to die so dangerously  
For her soul health especially  
That was the thing that grieved me so  
That nothing could release my woe  
Till I had tried even out of hand  
In what estate her soul did stand  
For which trial short tale to make  
I took this journey for her sake  
give ear for here beginneth the story  
From hens I went to purgatory  
And took with me this gear in my fist  
Whereby I may do there what I list  
I knocked and was let in quickly  
But lord how low the souls made courtesy  
And I to every soul again  
Did give a beck them to retain  
And axed them this question than  
If that the soul of such a woman  
Did late among them there appear  
Whereto they said she came not here  
Then fir I much it was not well  
Alas thought I she is in hell  
For with her life I was so acquainted  
That sure I thought she was not saynted  
With this it chanced me to snese  
Christ help quoth a soul that ley for his fees  
Those words quoth I thou shalt not lees  
Then with these pardons of all degrees  
I paid his toll and set him so quyght  
That straight to heaven he took his flight  
And I from thence to hell that night  
To help this woman if I might  
Nat as who saith by outhorite  
But by the way of entreat  
And first the devil that kept the gate  
I came and spoke after this rate  
All hail sir devil and made low courtesy  
Welcome quoth he this smillyngly  
He knew me well and I at last  
Remembered him sins long time paste  
For as good hap would have it chance  
This devil and I were of old acquaintance  
For oft in the play of corpus Cristi  
He hath played the devil at Coventry  
By his acquaintance and my behaviour  
He showed to me right friendly favour  
And to make my return the shorter  
I said to this devil good master porter  
For all old love if it lie in your power  
Help me to speak with my lord and your  
Be sure quoth he no tongue can tell  
What time thou couldst have come so well  
For this day lucifer fell  
Which is our festival in hell  
Nothing unreasonable craved this day  
That shall in hell have any nay  
But yet be aware thou come not in  
Till time thou may thy passport win  
Wherefore stand still and I will wyd  
If I can get thy save condyt  
He tarried not but shortly got it  
Under seal and the devils hand at it  
In ample wise as ye shall here  
Thus it began Lucyfere  
By the power of god chief devil of hell  
To all the devils that there do dwell  
And every of them we send greeting  
Under streygyt charge and commanding  
That they aiding and assistant be  
To such a pardoner and maned me  
So that he may at liberty  
Pass save without his jeopardy  
Till that he be from us extinct  
And clearly out of hells precinct  
And his pardons to keep safeguard  
We will they lie in the porters ward  
Gevyn in the fornes of our palaces  
In our high court of matters of malices  
Such a day and year of our rain  
God save the devil quoth I for playve  
I trust this writing to be sure  
Then put thy trust quoth he in ever  
sins thou art sure to take no harm  
This devil and I walket arm in arm  
So far till he had brought me thither  
Where all the devils of hell together  
Stood in a ray in such apparel  
As for that day there meetly fell  
Their horns well gilt their clowes full clean  
Their tails well kempt and as I ween  
With Sothery butter their bodies anointed  
I never saw devils so well appointed  
The master devil sat in his jacket  
And all the souls were playing at racket  
None other rackettes they had in hand  
Save every soul a good fire brand  
Wherewith they played so prettily  
That lucifer laughed merely  
And all the resedew of the friends  
Did laugh full well togytther like friends  
But of my friend I saw no whit  
Nor durst not axe for her as yet  
Anon all this rout was brought in silens  
And I by an usher brought in presence  
Then to lucifer low as I could  
I kneeled which he so well aloud  
That thus he beckte and by saint Antony  
He smiled on me well favouredly  
Bending his brows as broad as barn durres  
Shaking his ears as rugged as burrs  
Rolling his yes as round as two bushels  
Flashynge the fire out of his nose thryls  
gnashing his teeth so generously  
That me thought time to fall to flattery  
Wherewith I told as I shall tell  
O pleasant picture O prince of hell  
Fevered in fashion abominable  
And sins that is inestimable  
For me to praise the worthily  
I leave of prays unworthy  
To give the prays beseeching the  
To hear my sewte and then to be  
So good to grant the thing I crave  
And to be short this would I have  
The soul of one which hither is flytted  
Delivered hens and to me remitted  
And in this doing though all be not quit  
Yet some part I shall deserve it  
As thus I am a pardoner  
And over souls as a controller  
Through out the earth my power doth stand  
Where many a soul lieth on my hand  
That speed in matters as I use them  
As I receive them or refuse them  
Whereby what time thy pleasure is  
I shall require any part of this  
The lest devil here that can come thither  
Shall choose a soul and bring him hither  
Now quoth the devil we are well pleased  
What is his name thou wouldest have eased  
Nay quoth I be it good or evil  
My coming is for a she devil  
What call'st her quoth he thou horyson  
Forsooth quoth I Margery coorson  
Now by our honour said lucifer  
No devil in hell shall withhold her  
And if thou wouldest have twenty more  
Were not for justice they should go  
For all we devils within this den  
Have more to do with two women  
Then with all the charge we have beside  
Wherefore if thou our friend will be tried  
Aply thy pardons to women so  
That unto us there come no more  
To do my bane I promised by oath  
Which I have kept for as the faith goth  
At this days to heaven I do procure  
Ten women to one man be sure  
Then of lucifer my leave I took  
And straight unto the master coke  
I was had into the kitchen  
For Margaryes office was there in  
All thing handled there discreetly  
For every soul beareth office meetly  
Which might be seen to see her sit  
So bysely turning of the spit  
For many a spit here hath she turned  
And many a good spit hath she burned  
And many a spit full hoth hath toasted  
Before the meat could be half roasted  
And or the meat were half roasted in deed  
I took her then fro the spit for speed  
But when she saw this brought to pass  
To tell the joy wherein she was  
And of all the devils for joy how they  
Did roar at her delivery  
And how the chains in hell did ring  
And how all the souls therein did sing  
And how we were brought to the gate  
And how we took our leave thereat  
Be sure lack of time suffereth not  
To rehearse the twenty part of that  
Wherefore this tale to conclude briefly  
This woman thanked me chiefly  
That she was rid of this endless death  
And so we departed on new market heath  
And if that any man do mind her  
Who list to seek her there shall he find her  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Sir ye have sought her wonders well  
And where ye found her as ye tell  
To here the chance ye found in hell  
I find ye were in great apparel.  ☞ Palmer. 
⚜ His tale is all much parellous  
But part is much more marvelous  
As where he said the devils complain  
That women put them to such pain  
By their conditions so crooked and crabbed  
Frowardly fashonde so wayward and wrabbed  
So far in division and stirring such strife  
That all the devils be weary of their life  
This in effect he told for truth  
Whereby much muruell to me ensueth  
That women in hell such shrews can be  
And here so gentle as far as I see  
Yet have I seen many a mile  
And many a woman in the while  
Nat one good city, town, nor borough  
In christendom but I have been through  
And this I would ye should understand  
I have seen women .v. hundred thousand  
And oft with them have long time married  
Yet in all places where I have been  
Of all the women that I have seen  
I never saw nor knew in my conscience  
Any one woman out of paciens.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ By the mass there is a greatly  ☞ Pardoner. 
⚜ I never hard a greater by our lady  ❧ peddler. 
¶ A greater nay know ye any so great.  ☞ Palmer. 
Sir whether that I lose or get  
For my part judgement shall be prayed.  ☞ Pardoner. 
❧ And I desire as he hath said  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ proceed and ye shall be obeyed.  ❧ peddler. 
¶ Then shall not judgement be delayed  
Of all these three if each man's tale  
In Paul's church yard were set on sale  
In some man's hand that hath the sleight  
He should sure sell these tales by weight  
For as they weigh so be they worth  
But which weyth best to that now forth  
Sir all the tale that ye did tell  
I bear in mind and yours as well  
And as ye saw the matter meetly  
So lied ye both well and discreetly  
Yet were your lies with the lest trust me  
For if ye had said ye had made i'll  
Ten tampyons out of ten women's tails  
Ten times ten mile to ten castles or jails  
And fill ten rivers ten times so deep  
As ten of that which your ●a●●en stones died 〈◊〉  
Or if ye ten times had bodily  
Fet ten souls out of purgatory  
And ten times so many out of hell  
Yet by these ten bonnes I could right well  
Ten times sooner all that have believed  
Then the tenth part of that he hath moved.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Two knaves before i lacketh ii knaves of five  
Then one and then one and both knaves a live  
Then two and then two and three at a cast  
Thou knave and thou knave and thou knave at last  
Nay knave if ye thyme me by number  
I will as knavyshly you accomber  
Your mind is all on your privy tithe  
For all in ten me thinketh your wit lieth  
Now ten times I beseech him that high sits  
Thy wife's ten commandments may search thy .v. wits  
Then ten of my tordes in ten of thy teeth  
And ten of thy nose which every man seth  
And twenty times ten this wish I would  
That thou hadst been hanged at ten year old  
For thou goest about to make me a slave  
I will thou know if I am a gentleman knave  
And here is an other shall take my part.  ☞ Pardoner. 
⚜ Nay first I be shrew your knaves heart  
Or I take part in your knavery  
I will speak fair by one lady  
Sir I beseech your mastership to be  
As good as ye can be to me.  ❧ peddler. 
¶ I would be glade to do you good  
And him also be he never so would  
But doubt you not I will now do  
The thing my consciens leadeth me to  
Both your tales I take far impossible  
Yet take I his father incredible  
not only the thing itself alloweth is  
But also the boldness thereof avoweth is  
I know not where your tale to try  
Nor yours but in hell or purgatory  
But his boldness hath faced a lie  
That may be tried even in this company  
As if ye list to take this order  
Among the women in this border  
Take three of the youngest and three of the oldest  
Three of the hottest and three of the coldest  
Three of the wisest and three of the shrewdest  
Three of the lowest and three of the highest  
Three of the farthest and three of the nighest  
Three of the fairest and three of the maddest  
Three of the foulest and three of the saddest  
And when all these three be had asunder  
Of each three two justly be number  
Shall be found shrews except this fall  
That ye hap to find them shrews all  
Himself for troth all this doth know  
And oft hath tried some of this row  
And yet he sweareth by his consciens  
He never saw woman break paciens  
Wherefore considered with true intent  
His lie to be so evident  
And to appear so evidently  
That both you affirmed it a lie  
And that my consciens so deeply  
So deep hath sought this thing to try  
And tried it with mind indifferent  
Thus I award by way of judgement  
Of all the lies ye all have spent  
His lie to be most excellent.  ❧ Palmer. 
Sir though ye were bound of equity  
To do as ye have done to me  
Yet do I thank you of your pain  
And will requite some part again.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Marry sir ye can no les do  
But thank him as much as it cometh to  
And so will I do for my part  
Now a vengeance on thy knaves heart  
I never knew peddler a judge before  
Nor never will trust peddling knave more  
What dost thou there thou whoreson noddy.  ☞ apothecary. 
¶ By the mass learn to make courtesy  
Courtesy before and courtesy behind him  
And thenon each side the devil blind him  
Nay when I have it perfitly  
Ye shall have the devil and all of courtesy  
But it is not soon learned brother  
One knave to make courtesy to another  
Yet when I am angry that is the worst  
I shall call my master knave at the first.  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Then would some master perhaps clowtye  
But as for me ye need not doubt ye  
For I had liefer be without ye  
Then have such business about ye.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ So help me god so were ye better  
What should a beggar be a ietter  
It were no whit your honesty  
To have us twain jet after ye.  ❧ apothecary. 
❧ Sir be ye sure he telleth you true  
If we should wait this would ensue  
It would be said trust me at a word  
Two knaves made courtesy to the third  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Now by my troth to speak my mind  
sins they be so loath to be assyned  
To let them lose I think it best  
And so shall ye live best in rest  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Sir I am not on them so fond  
To compel them to keep their bond  
And since ye list not to wait on me  
I clearly of waiting discharge ye.  ☞ Pardoner. 
¶ Marry sir I heartily thank you.  ❧ apothecary. 
⚜ And I like wise I make god avow  ☞ peddler. 
¶ Now be ye all even as ye began  
No man hath lost nor no man hath won  
Yet in the debate wherewith ye began  
By way of advise I will speak as I can  
I do perceive that pilgrimage  
Is chief the thing ye have in usage  
Whereto in effect for love of Chryst  
Ye have or should have been entyst  
And who so doth with such intent  
Doth well declare his time well spent  
And so do ye in your pretence  
If ye procure thus indulgence  
Unto your neighbours charitably  
For love of them in god only  
All this may be right well applied  
To shewell you both well occupied  
For though ye walk not both one way  
Yet walking thus this dare I say  
That both your walks come to one end  
And so for all that do pretend  
By aid of god's grace to ensue  
Any manner kind of virtue  
As some great almyse for to give  
Some in wilful povetie to live  
Some to make high ways and such other work  
And some to maintain priests and clerks  
To sing and pray for soul departed  
These with all other virtues well marked  
All though they be of sundry kinds  
Yet be they not used with sundry minds  
But as god only doth all those move  
So every man only for his love  
With love and dread obediently  
Worketh in these virtues unyformely  
Thus every virtue if we list to scan  
Is pleasant to god and thankful to man  
And who that by grace of the holy ghost  
To any one virtue is moved most  
That man by that grace 〈◊〉 one apply  
And therein serve god most plentifully  
Yet not that one so far wide to wrest  
So liking the same to myssyke the rest  
For who so wresteth his work is in vain  
And even in that case I perceive you twain  
Liking your virtue in such wise  
That each others virtue you do despise  
Who walketh this way for god would find him  
The farther they leek him the farther behind him  
One kind of virtue to despise another  
Is like as the sister might hang the brother.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ For fere lest such parels to me might fall  
I thank god I use no virtue at all  ☞ peddler. 
⚜ That is of all the very worst way  
For more hard it is as I have hard say  
●o begin virtue where none is pretended  
Then where it is begun the abuse to be mended  
How be it ye be not all to begin  
One sign of virtue ye are entered in  
As this I suppose ye did say true  
In that ye said ye use no virtue  
In the which words I dare well report  
Ye are well be loved of all this sort  
By your railing here openly  
At pardons and relics so lewdly.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ In that I think my fault not great  
For all that he hath I avow conterfete.  ☞ peddler. 
⚜ For his and all other that ye know feigned  
Ye be neither counciled nor constrained  
To any such thing in any such case  
To give any reverence in any such place  
But where ye doubt the truth not knowing  
believing the be●● good may be growing  
In judging the best no harm at the lest  
In judging the worst no good at the best  
But best in these things it seemeth to me  
To make no judgement upon ye  
But as the church doth judge or take them  
So do ye receive or forsake them  
And so be sure ye can not err  
But may be a fruitful follower.  ❧ apothecary. 
¶ Go ye before and as I am true man  
I will follow as fast as I can.  ☞ Pardoner. 
⚜ And so will I for he hath said so well  
〈◊〉 would we should follow his counsel.  ❧ Palmer. 
¶ Then to our reason god give us his grace  
That we may follow with faith so firmly  
His commandments, that we may purchase  
His love, and so consequently  
To believe his church fast and faithfully  
So that we may according to his promise  
Be kept out of error in any wise  
And all that hath scaped us here by negligence  
We clearly revoke and forsake it  
To pass the time in this without offence  
Was the cause why the maker did make it  
And so we humbly beseech you take it  
beseeching our lord to prosper you all  
In the faith of his church universal  
Finis.   

¶ Imprinted at London in Fleetstreet at the sign of the George by William Myddylton ⸫  
 printer's or publisher's device