A BANQUET OF JESTS. OR Change of Cheer. BEING A COLLECTION OF Modern Jests. Witty Jeers. Pleasant Taunts. Merry Tales. Never before Imprinted.  
LONDON, Printed for Richard Royston, and are to be sold at his shop in Ivy-lane next the Exchequer-Office. 1630.   

TO THE READER, whom I desire to be as Courteous as Conceited.  
TO you (of all sorts) that shall vouchsafe the perusal of these few sheets stitched up in a small farthel, I prepare you to expect no more in this collection of jests, than the Title page promiseth, wherein is nothing earnest, saving a pledge of my good meaning towards you. If you look that I should feast you senses, or banquet your particular Palates, these Papers will much deceive you: For in the stead of dainties you shall find Dicteria: for junkets, joci: and for curious Salads, Sales. Only they are passages of mirth, fit to entertain time, and employ leasured hours, when they cannot be more seriously and profitably employed. So mild and gentle they are in their condition, that as they bark at none, so they bite not any: and therefore you may sport with them freely, and safely. Now if some out of their curiosity shall despise them for their commonness; I must then retire myself to the refuge of that old Adage, Bona quo communia eo meliora: If they prove good, they cannot be too common. Again, if any shall object and say, that I know that, and this I have heard related; Those I thus answer. If many have heard some of them, but few or none (I dare presume) all. Besides I do not challenge them for mine own, but gathered from the mouths of others; and what is stolen to me, may be to thee new. Accept them then as courteously as they are offered to thy perusal willingly, to make them familiar unto such to whom they are merely foreign, and to recollect the memories of those to whom they have been known, but since forgotten. I must ingenuously confess unto you, that had not the Licence kerbed my liberty, the leaves of this book had been more in tale, and the jests (for I know not how more properly to style them) greater in number: But as they are (for otherwise now they cannot be) if they be well accepted, I acknowledge them too few, but if not well received, by many, too many.  
Anonimos.   

The Contents of the passages herein mentioned.  

1. OF a Countryman and a Constable.  
2. A cashiered Captain.  
3. Of a justice of Peace, and a Horse-stealer.  
4. The Principal of an House.  
5. M Gentleman arrested.  
6. A Bachelors answer touching Marriage.  
7. A Counsellor, and his client.  
8. Of an Oatmeal man.  
9 A Gentleman and a Barber.  
10. A wager of eating.  
11. Two Welshmen in a robbery.  
12. Geneva print.  
13. A Papist and a Puritan.  
14. A young Heir.  
15. Of a Gentleman coming to Court.  
16. Of a Frieze jerkin.  
17. A Poor man arraigned.  
18. Two old Captains.  
19 A great Eater.  
20. A Gentlewoman and a justice.  
21. A Nobleman in his Gallery.  
22. One travelling to Rome.  
23. A Scholar on horseback.  
24. A Gentleman, and a Citizen.  
25. A Clerk of a Church.  
26. A Cheesemonger.  
27. Of a Doctors man.  
28. A Boy that cried fire.  
29. A Country fellows courtesy.  
30. One with a great Nose.  
31. One that ate of a Bear.  
32. An English man at a French Ordinary.  
33. Of a Servingman.  
34. Of a justice and his man.  
35. A Cheater and a Tapster.  
36. A man on the Gallows.  
37. Two by the ears.  
38. A drunkard and his wife.  
39 A These and a Gentleman.  
40. A rich man's Hospital.  
41. To choose a wife.  
42. Of a Horse, and a Peck of Oysters.  
43. A famous Thief.  
44. A young Master of Arts.  
45. A simple Countryman.  
46. A Courtier.  
47. Two Scholars.  
48. Gentlemen at a Tavern.  
49. A Chronologer.  
50. The Marriage of the Arts.  
51. Of a Scholar married.  
52. An Epitaph.  
53. Of an extraordinary nose.  
54. Two Innkeeper's.  
55. Two old Widows.  
56. A Horse-stealer.  
57 A Baker.  
58. A Coachman.  
59 A Tailor.  
60. A Cheater.  
61. A handsome wench, and a justice.  
62. A clearly lie.  
63. Gentlemen at an Ordinary.  
64. Of a deaf Hostess.  
65. Of a Apprentice.  
66. A Spaniard and a Dutchman.  
67. A great Lords entertainment.  
68 An Empiric.  
69. Of a Horse.  
70. A young Citizen and his Wife.  
71. Of Rape seed.  
72. Of a Thatcher.  
73. Of another Thatcher.  
74 Of an Ox hide.  
75 Three Surgeons.  
76. Of Bucanon.  
77. An Usurer dying.  
78. A parish Clarke.  
79. Two sisters.  
80. Wishers, and woulders.  
81 Barbarous Latin.  
82 A Gentleman to a Lady.  
83. Two hiring one horse.  
84. A Gentleman and a Horse-courser.  
85. A man buying a Cow.  
86. A Doctor and a Lady.  
87. An Epitaph.  
88 Pope Alexander VI.  
89. Pictures hanged.  
90. Coming of the Spaniards.  
91. A father and his daughter.  
92. A letter writ out of the Country.  
93. A lie retorted.  
94. A Scotchman and his Mistress.  
95. Of a Gentleman that was the first of his house.  
96. An Empiric and his man.  
97. Two Country Fellows.  
98. A Churchman in his Inn.  
99 An English Gentleman in France.  
100 A Gentlemen and a Constable.  
101. A rich man and a poor.  
102. A sleepy drawer.  
103. A famous Painter.  
104. Of giving away Dear.  
105. The King a hunting.  
106. Of choughing in one's grave.  
107. A Gentleman in disgrace.  
108. A simple Constable.  
109. The twelve signs of usury.  
110. One preaching against usury.  
111. Of a tall Gentleman, and a little Tailor.  
112. Two Gentlemen falling out.  
113. A Drunkard.  
114. A Master of a ship.  
115. A Gourmandizer.  
116. A Welsh Reader.  
117. A Bishop and a Gentleman.  
118. Trusting for a reckoning.  
119. A Strange beasts to be seen.  
120. A Emperor of Rome.  
121. A Scotch Witch.  
122. A braggart.  
123. The reversion of an house.  
124. A Mayor in the North.  
125. A man lying sick.  
126. Of one Fowl a Gentleman.  
127. A Gentleman in an Ordinary.  
128. A Welshman and a Cutpurse.  
129. A Gentleman and a Parson.  
130. Of Grave Maurice, and marquis Spinola.  
131. Of Bishop Gardiner.  
132. An unhappy Vintner's Boy.  
133. Of a sign.  
133. Playing with words.  
134. Of a Landlord and his Tenant.  
135. Of an old Beggar.  
136. A rich man and a Scholar.  
137. A Lawyer and a Divine.  
138. Of Swimming.  
139. Of a she-seruant that came to take her oath.  
140. Another Gentleman and a Parson.  
141. A Lawyer at the Bar.  
141. A Mayor in the North.  
142. The Tenant to an Archbishop.  
143. Of a sign.  
144. Of a Translator.  
145. A Mariner in a storm.  
146. A desperate Sailor.  
147. A short Cloak.  
148. Of Wine.  
149. A Welshman arraigned.  
150. Of Card-playing.  
151. An Epitaph made upon an honest Cobbler.  
152. Of a Gentleman visiting of his friend.  
153. Of a Captain that was to be arrested.  
154. Of two knaves accusing one another.  
155. Of a Vintner's boy.  
156. Of Augustus Caesar.  
157. Of Diogenes.  
158. Of a Country fellow and a Peere-tree.  
159. Stratford upon avon.  
160. An old Goose.  
161. An honourable Thief.  
162. Of S. P. Q. R.  
163. An Oppressor.  
164. A wry Nose.  
165. Of usury.  
166. A Scholar and a Townsman.  
167. Of an ignorant fellow.  
168. An old horse.  
169. Fire and Toe.  
170. Borrowing of a Cloak.  
171. One begged for a fool.  
172. A Traveller drowned.  
173. A Knight of Italy.  
174. A Gentleman boasting of hic Wit.  
175. A justice and a Baud.  
176. Of a Citizen, and a Gardeners Boy.  
177 Anold Vicar.  
178. Two debawsht follewes.  
179. A lame Horse.  
180. A Woman, and her Husband.  
181. A Townsman and a Scholar.  
182. Of five Vintners.  
183. Two striving for the Wall.  
184. The answer of a Doctor.  
185. A Horsecouser.  
186. A Country fellow hunting with the King.  
187. Women Writers.  
188. A Country fellow at a Gentleman's Table.  
189. Of curtaling names.  
190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen.  
190. A Knight and his man.  
191. A Doctor of Physic and a Serving man.  
192. One that parted a Fray.  
193. A bargain in Smithfield.  
194. An Usurer dying.  
195. A Doctor and Scholar.    

To the Book.  

I Now expose thee little Book,  
To all that deign on thee to look,  
And do not take me for a Cook,  
because professing   

You have an Ordinary here,  
(For which you shall not pay too dear)  
And yet be served with change of cheer,  
and of my dressing.   

Yet tell them they are invited guests,  
And seldom meet they with such feasts,  
Where nothing is disht in but jests,  
and sauced with laughter.   

They shall not meet I dare compare,  
(Where Geese & Pigs are nothing rare)  
The like in bartholmew's next Fair,  
nor the day after.   

I wish it may not be your lots,  
(Poor Pupes) to be rend by sots,  
Or such as will stop Muster pots,  
for that believe me,   

Would like a Chandler's greasy fist,  
Who raps his wares in what be list,  
As well in things applaused as hist,  
no little grieve me.   

T' were better thou shouldst Critics meet,  
Whose very looks will sower what's sweet.  
Who though they carp at every sheet,  
nay page, or pagine.   

In sooth I shall not much admire,  
Though they with thee Tobacco fire,  
For so perhaps some may desire,  
as I imagine.   

Much nobler 'tis to suffer so,  
By such as something seem to know,  
But wherefore in such rage to grow,  
I'll not compel them.   

So farewell Book, I make thee free,  
To jeer at them that jest at thee,  
Though thou be hurt it harms not me:  
prithee so tell them.    

Change of Cheer, OR A Banquet of jests.  

1. Of a Countryman and a Constable.  
A Simple Countryman having term business in London, and being somewhat late abroad in the night, was stayed by a Constable, and somewhat harshly entreated, the poor man observing how imperiously he commanded him, demanded of him what he was: to whom he replied, I am the Constable, and this is my Watch. And I pray you sir, for whom watch you? (saith the man) marry answered the Constable, I watch for the King; for the King replies he again simply? then I beseech you Sr. that I may pass quietly and peaceably by you to my Lodging, for I can bring you a certificate from some of my neighbours who are now in town, that I am no such man.   

2. A cashiered Captain.  
A Captain in the Low-countries being Cashiered and his company conferred upon another, he grew more private and Melancholy, and not long after being met by the others Lieutenant, was kindly saluted, and after other compliments, demanded why he was of late so strange, to absent himself so long from his Captain; who much desired to see him: who answered I pray you commend me to your Captain, and tell him he had my pany too late.   

3. Of a justice of Peace, and a Horse-stealer.  
A Horse-stealer was brought to be examined before a justice, who finding the felony to be most apparent, Well friend saith he; if thou be'st not hanged for this fact, I'll be hanged for thee. I humbly thank your Worship; replied the thief, and when the time comes, I desire you, that you will not be out of the way.   

4 The Principal of an House.  
A Pleasant fellow came unto the Principal of a house, and pretending that he had received some injury by some of the Society, complained unto him in this manner: Sir, said he, I have been abused by a company of Rascals, belonging to this House, and knowing you to be Principal, I thought good to acquaint you with the business, and so proceeded, etc.   

5. A Gentleman arrested.  
A Gentleman being arrested and brought before a Country Maior, who was by Profession a Tanner, being somewhat roughly hanled by the Sergeants, and espying an Ox hide in the place where they stayed him till the Mayor was ready to come forth, My friends, quoth he, what need you trouble yourselves so much about me, when me thinks you had more need, and it would better become you, to brush your Master's Gown that lies on the ground.   

6. A Bachelors answer touching Marriage.  
A Lady observing a Gentleman that was a Bachelor, much given to Melancholy, said unto him, truly Sir, I am of opinion, that you will never be truly merry till you be married: to whom he answered: In troth Madam I am of opinion that I shall never laugh till my heart ache, till then.   

7. A Counsellor, and his client.  
ONe making a long and tedious speech to a grave Counseliour, in the conclusion thereof made an Apology to excuse himself for being so troublesome, who gave him this answer, I'll assure you sir, you have not been troublesome to me at all, for all the time that you were speaking, my mind was of another matter.   

8. Of an Oatemeale-man.  
AN Oatemeale-man a rich fellow fell at some difference with a Comedian about the town, and began to upbraid him with his profession, and according to the small talon of wit he had, came hotly upon him with the common objection, if, saith he, all men were of my mind, you should keep your doors shut, and find your galleries empty, and then you would be more poor, and less proud. I believe it, replied the other, so if every man would, as I could find in my heart to do, that is, to forswear the eating of Puddings, and Pottage, who would be more poor, and less proud than the Oatmeal man.   

9 A Gentleman and a Barber.  
A Barber coming finnically about a Gentleman, was (as the most of them are) terribly full of talk, at length he found the leisure to ask how he would be trimmed. Marry my friend replied the gentleman, if thou canst possibly, do it in silence.   

10. A wager of eating.  
TWo Captains, the one an English man, the other a Dutch man, having both good stomaches, laid a wager which of them at one set dinner should eat most. Earnest was given, and they drew lots which should bespeak their Provant; it fell to the Dutch man, who presently went down into the Kitchen, and bespoke of the Hostess of the ordinary a fat Capon and a dozen of Larks, and so came up again to his company: Presently the English Captain went down to inquire what he had spoke for. The Hostess told him, A Capon & a dozen of Larks. How? saith he. I say, hostess, send into the Market and buy for us a dozen of Capons, and a Lark. Of which the Dutchman hearing, grew presently to composition, and recanted the bargain.   

11. Two Wolshmen in a robbery.  
TWo Welshmen were in a Robbery, and both taken: the one being known to be an old thief, had his judgement to be hanged, and was so. The other, because it was his first fault, found the more favour, and had his sentence to be whipped at a Carts-taile, and so let go. Who after, coming into his country and being demanded what was become of his friend and Countryman, he told them for a truth that he was married: but some not believing it, and further pressing him to know when and to whom: he answered he could resolve them no further than this, that he was certainly married; by the same token, before a great many Spectators, he was forced to dance at his wedding   

12. Geneva print.  
A Collection being made for the distressed Ministers of Geneva a Gentleman, which (it seems) was not much affected towards them, being pressed by the Collector something hard for his charity, he absolutely told him he would give him nothing. But the other, not so satisfied, would needs know his reason: The Gentleman after some pause, answered him, If you will needs know my reason, it is because I find nothing more prejudicial to my eyesight then the reading of their Geneva print.   

13. A Papist and a Puritan.  
A Papist & a Puritan being next neighbours, and travelling by the highway where stood a wooden Cross: the papist put off his hat, and so passed by: At which his neighbour only smiled to himself and said nothing. But walking further, and passing by a tree that stood in the way, and not seeing him move to that, Neighbour (saith he) I pray you in courtesy will you resolve me a question. With all my heart replied the other, so that if occasion be offered, you'll do me the like: both are agreed, now then neighbour saith the Puritan. I would know why you did not the like reverence unto the tree: that you did unto the Cross, being both one wood: the reason of this (saith the other) you shall soon know, but one thing first I must know of you: I called upon you in the morning, and I observed you in taking leave of your wife, why did you kiss her lips and not her tail seeing they are both made of one flesh.   

14. A young Heir.  
A Young heir not yet come to age, but desirous to be suited with other gallants, and to be furnished with money and commodities to the purpose: the creditor demanded his bond, he granted it conditionally, that his Father should not know of it, therefore wished it to be done very privately. Upon this promise all things were concluded: and the time came when he should seal it. But when he began to read in the beginning of the bond, Noverint universi. Be it known unto all men, he cast away the bond & absolutely refused to seal it saying: If it be known unto all men, how can it possibly be but it must come to my Father's care.   

15. Of a Gentleman coming to Court.  
A Gentleman coming out of the Country, and having one Mr. Wiseman to his Kinsman who lived in the Court, and belonged to the King, came bluntly to the Guard-Chamber, and speaking to him that kept the door: I pray you sir tell me (faith he) is not there one Wiseman among you? who answered, No indeed sir, you had best inquire of the Queen's side.   

16. Of a Frieze jerkin.  
AN honest good fellow having worn a threadbare jerkin for the space of two years & an half: as soon as he had compassed another suit, for the good service it had done him, made of it this Epitaph.  
Here lie in peace thou patiented overcommer.  
Of two cold winters, and one Scorching Summer.   

17. A Poor man arraigned.  
A Poor simple man arraigned at the Sessions for his life, and being convicted, the judges, much commiserating him in regard of his simplicity, purposed to do him what favour they could, and offered him his book: which he hearing, cast himself upon his knees beseeching them to do him any favour else saving that, for he protested unto them, that he could read no more than the Pope of Rome.   

18. Two old Captains.  
TWo ancient Captains looking upon the rich hangings of Eighty Eight, observing in the border thereof, the faces of all the prime Commanders, and Gentlemen of note that had been in the service, Well, saith the one to the other, if every one had his right, my face might have had the honour, to have been placed before some that I see: for I am sure I was engaged in the hottedst encounter. To whom the other replied, content thyself Captain, 'tis well known thou art an old soldier, and reserved for another hanging.   

19 A great Eater.  
A Gentleman riding down into the Low country, was asked by his friend, what was the best news at London, who answered them he had by reason of sudden, and unexpected coming down not listened after any: only wots you what (saith he) It is reported that such a man, naming the great Gourmandizer, hath lost his stomach to whom the other replied: If a poor man have found it he is directly undone.   

20. A Gentlewoman and a justice.  
A Gentlewoman suspected to be a Romish-Catholike; being brought before a busy justice in the country, he would not accept of her oath, unless she would publicly call the Pope knave: to whom she answered, Sr, if it please your worship, it were great folly and indiscretion in me, to call any man knave whom I never either saw, or knew, but I protest sir, (saith she) If I had seen him so often, or known him so well as I do your good worship, I think I might, and with a safe conscience too, call him knave, and knave again, and with this answer I pray you rest satisfied.   

21. A Nobleman in his Gallery.  
A Private Gentleman being admitted to walk with a nobleman in his gallery being full of curious pictures, he commended them exceedingly, as some of those pieces to be the best that he had seen: Say you so saith the nobleman, than out of all these, choose that which best pleaseth you, and it is your own: the Gentleman espying a fair table in which the ten commandments were curiously drawn in golden Letters: Please you my Lord, saith he, of all that I have viewed, this like I best; and challenge by your promise. To whom the Lord replies. That only I had forgot to except, choose else where you will, and it is at your free dispose, but these I will never departed from. Why my Lord, saith the Gentleman, have you vowed these ten Commandments shall never go from you. Indeed saith he I have, and have vowed it by mine honour; Well replied the Gentleman, your Lordship may speak your pleasure, but I will assure you and take my word, with all the care you have, you shall never keep them.   

22. One travelling to Rome.  
A Gentleman of England travelling with his man to Rome desirous to see all fashions, but especially such rarities as were there to be seen, was by the mediation of some friends there resident, admitted into the Pope's presence: to whom his holiness offered his foot to kiss; which the Gentleman did with great submission, and reverence: this his man seeing, and not before acquanted with the like ceremony, presently makes what speed he can to get out of the presence: which some of the waiters espying, and suspecting his haste, stayed him, and demanded the cause of his so sudden speed: but the more they importune him, the more he pressed to be gone: but being further urged, he made this short answer, truly saith he, this is the cause of my fear, that if they compel my master, being a Gentleman to kiss the Pope's foot; I fear what part they will make me kiss being but his serving man.   

23. A Scholar on horseback.  
A Scholar an unskilful rider being to pass through a river, offered to water his horse before he rid him in so deep as to the foote-locke, his friend that was with him, fearing he would founder him, called upon him to ride in depeer, the other not well understanding his meaning, said to his friend, first stay till he hath drunk off all this, and then I will ride him in farther where he may have his belly full.   

24. A Gentleman, and a Citizen.  
A Gentleman & a Citizen walking together, just before them went two Aldermen, saith the Gentleman to the other, there goes a Cuckold, at which the Citizen his supposed friend takes exceptions, and tells the others what was spoke, they make a complaint, and bearing him before the Mayor, the parties appear, witness is called; the words justified, the Gentleman he pleads a mistake, for saith he, I said not by these two wòrthy Citizens there goes a Cuckold: but the words that I spoke were, there goes a couple, I, was it so saith the Mayor, if it were no otherwise, the matter is answered, and I here discharge you the Court.   

25. A Clerk of a Church.  
THe Clerk of the Church, having received some discontentment of his Parish, grew sullen upon it, and when Sunday came, and that he was to give out a Psalm: he sat still in his seat, & would not so much as open his lips, but being often called upon, and seeing there was no remedy, looked somewhat doggedly upon the matter: sing you may if you please the Psalm of Quicunque Vult, whosoever will, and for his own part, as soon as he had given it out; went out of the Church.   

26. A Cheesemonger.  
A Puritan coming to his neighbour, a Cheesemonger; to buy a Gossips or groaning Cheese because his wife was ready to lie down, the master of the shop offered him a taste of that which he seems best to like: who as he put it to his mouth, so he put his hat to his eyes, and began a long grace, which the Cheesemonger seeing, nay saith he, since you mean in stead of a taste to make a meal out of my cheese, I assure you, you shall buy none here; for I cannot afford it after that weight and measure.   

27. Of a Doctors man.  
AN old Doctor lying on his deathbed, willing to leave something to a poor simple servant who had served him long, to do him some good after his decease, willed him to profess Physic and he would leave unto him certain prescriptions, both to benefit his knowledge and estate, amongst others this was the main, that still when he came to visit any patiented, he should look curiously about the rooms, what bones he saw scattered either about the Table or the bed's side: if he found any of fish, than he should tell him he took a surfeit of such a kind of fish, as he might guess it to be by the bones; and so likewise of Beef, Veal, Mutton, Capon, and Rabbit, etc. and to judge by the fragments, and reversions which were more certain, then to presume upon the disease by the sick man's water, in which he knew he was altogether unpractised, and unskilful: In process it so fell out, that being sent for to one that was sick of an Impostume, and the room being so clean swept, that he could find no apparent sign in the floor, by which he might conjecture of any certain disease, prying at length very curiously, beneath his bed he spied and found a Saddle lie: upon which, he came unto his sick Patient, and seriously told him that he had now searched into the nature of his disease, for by feeling of his pulse he might well perceive he had taken a great surfeit by eating of a horse; at which the Patient fell into such an extreme laughter that his Impostume broke, by which he was suddenly cured, and the fellow grew thereby more famous.   

28. A Boy that cried fire.  
AN unhappy boy lying in the streets in a cold winter night, cried fire, fire: the people looked out of their Windows, & cried where, where? marry quoth the Boy I would I knew myself, for I would gladly warm me.   

29. A Country fellows courtesy.  
A Country fellow meeting with his friend told him he had been at London, and seen my Lord Mayor; I but said his friend, did he take any notice of thee? no faith, said he, no great notice, only I put off my hat to him, and he did his duty to me.   

30. One with a great Nose.  
A Gentleman with an extraordinary great Nose, walking along Cheapside an unhappy Prentice Boy meeting him makes a sudden stand, at which the Gentleman musing, made a stand likewise, and asked him why he did not keep his way? to whom the Lad answered, Sir I would gladly pass by you, but I cannot for your Nose; the Gentleman loath to be too much observed, or to be the occasion of any tumult in the street, with one of his fingers put his Nose on the one side, and said; now youth you may freely pass, the way lies plain before you.   

31. One that eat of a Bear.  
A Woman having eaten of the right side of a Bear, which some say makes good Venison, took a conceit, that she had an exceeding great rumbling and rolling in her belly, and for remedy sends to ask advise of the Doctor, who persuaded her to knock a Mastiff Dog in the head, and eat so much of him, and so no doubt but the flesh of him would worry the Bear in her belly.   

32. An English man at a French Ordinary.  
AN English man being in France, and at a French Ordinary, amongst other dishes there were Woodcocks at the Table; the English gentleman somewhat before the time took one of the Woodcock's heads, and picked it; which one of the Monsters observing, and thinking with his wit to play upon him; I have (saith he) ever noted these English men, that wheresoever Woodcocks are served in, their fingers will be ever first in the dish, the rest laughed at the jest, and he for the present made no reply: but when the Table began to withdraw and every man was silent, the Englishman fell into a great laughter, and being demanded the reason of it: troth (said he) at a wondrous good jest was made this night at Supper, which I protest hath so taken me, that I shall never hereafter see a Woodcock, but I shall either think of that monsieur, or some of his Countrymen.   

33. Of a Servingman.  
A Servingman bringing a brace of Greyhounds from his Master to a Knight a friend of his, and a near neighbour; the Knight asked him whether they were good Dogs or no? good Dogs (saith the fellow) I will assure you for this, pointing to the one of them, he is the best Dog that ever ran with four Legs upon the earth, and see you this other, he is three times better than he.   

34. Of a justice and his man.  
AN old justice of Peace and his Servingman riding with other company upon the way, the day being something windy, a Crow sitting upon a weak and tender bough, which at every small gust moved this way and that, and cried as they road by Ka, Ka, Ka: hark, saith the justice to his man, what the Crow saith to thee, she would (if she could) say Knave, Knave: nay, not to me saith the fellow sure she means to some man of worship in this company, you may well perceive by her many low becks and congees.   

35. A Cheater and a Tapster.  
A Fellow that was exceeding dry, and had no money, came to a Taphouse, and calls for a Can of Beer, and drinks it off; which done, he asked the Tapster if he had any bread, yes sir, saith he, you may have a whole dozen if you please, no (saith he) half a dozen will serve, and bring it in; the Tapster did so, and set them before him: now (saith he) because I will give thee a good account, bring me another Can of Bear, which was no sooner done but he drank it off, and withal gave him two penny Loaves, then called for the third, then for the fourth, till he had made it up a full half dozen, and still for every Can gives him a Lose; then asked him what was to pay. Six pence saith the Tapster. For what saith the fellow? For Bear saith the Tapster. Why, hadst thou not bread for thy Bear, answered the other? Why then for bread, saith the Tapster. Hadst thou not thy bread again said the fellow? how can that be? So whilst the Tapster was studying to reconcile this intricate reckoning, he stepped out of doors, and paid nothing.   

36. A man on the Gallows.  
ONe passing by, and seeing a poor fellow in a very cold morning upon the Gallows in his shire, and after a short confession ready to be turned off the Ladder: Alas poor man (saith he) I must pity him, he will stand so long yonder in the cold, that I am afraid he will go near to catch his death.   

37. Two by the ears.  
A Man and a woman being together by the ears in the street, and a great throng about them; a Citizen's wife passing that way by chance, demands of a Gentleman that came from the tumult, what the occasion of that uproar might be? to whom he answered, you are a whore. How said she? thou art an arrant Knave to call me whore, I am as honest as the skin betwixt thy brows: he presently very courteously put off his Hat, and said, Truly fair Gentlewoman, this was the occasion of their quarrel.   

38. A drunkard and his wife.  
A Woman had a husband that used to come home often disguised, and sometimes to lie along in the floor, and still when she offered to raise him from the ground, he would not be removed, but answered, the tenement is mine own, I pay rend for it, and I may lie where I list: Some few nights after, coming home in the like taking, he sat down in a Chair before the fire, and fell asleep: the woman would have waked him, but could not, and therefore went up to bed; in which she was scarce warm, but the maid cried out aloud, Mistress, Mistress, my Master is fall'n out of the Chair, and lies in midst of the fire: which she hearing, lay still, and answered, Let him alone, for as long as he pays rend for the house, he may lie where he will.   

39 A Thief and a Gentleman.  
A Thief in the night having purposed to rob a Gentleman's chamber which was three Stories high, had conveyed a ladder up to his window, and being at the top of it, and ready to make his entrance, it happened the Gentleman at the same time was awake, and heard him, and just as he was about to open the Casement, he met him at the window, and said, My friend, it is your best course to stay till an hour or two hence, for I am not yet asleep; which the Thief hearing, what with haste, and fear, tumbled down from the top of the Ladder, and without the help of a halter had almost broke his neck.   

40. A rich man's Hospital.  
A Gentleman coming by where a rich man was laying the foundation of an hospital, whispered to his friend, and said, I much commend this man above many others that I know, for he doth well to provide for beggars now, knowing he is so near his death, that by oppression hath made so many in his life.   

41. To choose a wife.  
ONe being dissuaded from marrying a woman, because she was no wiser, made this answer, I desire that the wise whom I am to marry should have no more wit then to be able to distinguish her husband's bed from another man's.   

42. Of a Horse, and a Peck of Oysters.  
A Gentleman having rid hard in a went morning, and coming into his Inn dropping dry, and because his money fell short, loath to be at the charge of faggots, giving his horse to the Ostler, he comes into the Hall where was a great fire, but set so round, that he could not get so much as shoulder room, for the weather being wet and cold no man would give him place: he having spied Oysters at the Inn gate, called in great haste to the Ostler to give his horse instantly a Peck of Oysters, for his purpose is to ride away before dinner: the Ostler was amazed, the rest wondered, but he would not rest till he saw them measured, and cast before his horse into the Manger: strange it was to them all to hear of a Horse that would eat Oysters, and to behold the novelty all of them presently left the fire, and ran instantly into the stable, and in the interim he warms, and dries himself throughly from top to Toe at his pleasure, they gaping like fools till he had what he desired, came back again, and told him his would not touch an Oyster: no, saith he, will not the sullen lade fall too, is not his stomach yet come to him? well Ostler take away his Oysters, and give him so many Oats, and bring that he scorns to eat hither to me, and see what I can do with them: which was done accordingly; by that time the Horse had made an end of his Oats, he had done his Oysters, the weather grew fair, and he well dried, road on his journey.   

43. A famous Thief.  
A Famous Thief frequenting one of our Cities, where the Gates were continually shut a nights, and not willing to lie in the Suburbs for fear of search or suspicion, acquainted himself with one of the Porters of one of the Gates, and fed him with money, that still when he had been abroad about any exploit, that he should be ready to let him in at what hour soever, and this he used a long time, till at length being taken, arraigned and convicted for many robberies, and great evidences came against him: the next day he was brought to the Gallows, where the Sheriffs persuading him still to confess more, and more; at length he desired that they would send for this Porter, which was done accordingly: The poor man came quaking, and trembling, and the people were in great expectation of some strange thing to be revealed, all thirsting after novelty. By this time the Thief upon the ladder spies him, and calls him to him; the poor Porter in a pitiful fear asks why he sent for him, and what he had to say to him? To whom the Thief replied; Troth honest Porter I only sent for thee to tell thee, that if I come not in by this and twelve a Clock at night, do not tarry up for me, but go to bed a God's name, and saying no more, leapt off the Ladder, and with this jest in his mouth was hanged in earnest.   

44. A young Master of Arts.  
A Young Master of Art the very next day after the Commencement, having his course to common place in the Chapel, where were diverse that the day before had took their degree, took his Text out of the vl Chapter of job; the words were these, we are but of yesterday, and know nothing. This text, saith he, doth fitly divide itself into two branches, our standing, and our understanding, our standing in these words, we are but of yesterday, our understanding, we know nothing.   

45. A simple Countryman.  
A Simple fellow at an Easter time, coming to receive the Communion, the Preacher having demanded of him divers easy questions, and finding him ignorant in all, at length asked him how many Commandments there were: he answered he could not tell. The Parson wondering at his sottish ignorance, asked him how many he thought there were. Marry I think saith he, there may be some four or five. Yes saith the Parson there are more. Why then replied he there may be seven or eight; but if you know better, than you had best tell me. Why then quoth he, I will. There are just ten. At which he laughed, and said, Nay I thought so and looked for no less, for sure I was, that you being the Parson, would bring them to ten, because you would keep the tithe.   

46. A Courtier.  
ONe of our Scarlet Courtiers coming on a time prancing on a great horse, and alighting at the Court gate, calls to one that stood by, and saith to him, I prithee honest fellow, whilst I walk into the Court, do so much as hold my horse. The man seemed afraid of the beast, and asked him withal, if he was not unruly, and that one man might hold him, he answered yes, very easily. Nay then saith he, if it be but one man's work, I would wish you to do it yourself, for I have more business in hand, then walking of horses.   

47. Two Scholars.  
TWo Scholars of one College in the University, the one called Pain, the other Culpepper, were both in fault, but Pain in the less, the other in the greater: but when the fault came to be censured, the fault was not less than expelling the College: but Culpepper the greater delinquent yet finding more friends, had his sentence took off, and liberty to remain still in the house, but the other suffered for example: A Master of Art of another house coming to visit a friend of his that was of the College where this was done, amongst other discourse, asked what became of the business between the two Scholars, he told him in brief, how Pain that was in the least fault was punished, and Culpepper in the greater pardoned, who instantly replied, Nay then I think Ovid did Prophecy of this when he said,  Paena perire potest, culpa perennis erit.  

48. Gentlemen at a Tavern.  
TWo or three Gentlemen meeting at a Tavern about some business, and walking up into a room two pair of stairs high, called for a pint of Wine, which being drunk off, and they often knocking and calling, but none either answering, or coming up, one of the Gentlemen threw down the pint pot, when instantly a drawer comes up with a quart, and so left them; they following their discourse, and drinking to the good success of the bargain they were then concluding of: the quart pot was likewise soon emptied, they knock again, and call, none answering, down goes the quart pot, and in a trice comes up a pottle, which after some respite being likewise dispatched, and they ready to call for a reckoning, and so to be gone, as unwilling to enter into further charges; they call aloud, but none would answer, then beat they the pottle pot against the table but none yet answered, at length they thundered with such violence, that up comes one of the drawers, whom a Gentleman being angry at such slack attendance, meets him at the top of the stairs, and casts him headlong down to the bottom. At which all the rest of his fellows, with the Master of the house, began to muster up their selues, and coming up into the gentlemen's room, he demanding the reason of that violence done to his servant, one of the Gentlemen answered thus, Mine Host, we have no way willingly transgressed the customs of your house, for we observed that calling for one pint of wine, and casting down the pot you brought up two; then casting down the quart pot, you presented us with a pottle: now sitting here alone, and no man regarding us to bring us up a reckoning, we fling one Drawer down the stairs, to no other purpose, but in hope to have two at the least to attend us.   

49. A Chronologer.  
ONe of our late Chronologers that succeeded old Mr john Stow, and others, in his brief Chronicle speaking of George Duke of Clarence, saith, he was drowned in a Roundlet of Malmsey, and being taxed by a Gentleman that he had mainly falsifyed the History, in regard that Hollingshed, Speed, and others have delivered to the world that he was drowned in a whole Butt, to which he answered, that he had no way erred from the truth, for if these that writ great and large Histories, call it a Butt, he might (and no way improperly) in his small Epitome of Chronicle, call it a Roundlet.   

5 The Marriage of the Arts.  
THe Play called The Marriage of the Arts being presented before King james at Woodstock, he in regard that it was somewhat tedious, and himself weary with so long sitting, offered twice or thrice to go away, which being observed by an ingenious Scholar of the other University, he writ these verses:  
When Christ-Church showed their marriage to the King,  
Lest that their match should want an offering,  
The King himself did offer: what I pray?  
He offered twice or thrice to go away.   

51. Of a Scholar married.  
A Scholar having married a young wife, and being still at his book, preferring his serious study before dalliance with her, as she was one day wantoning whilst he was reading: Sir saith she, I could wish myself that I had been made a book, for than you would be still peering upon me, and I should never night nor day be out of your fingers: so would I sweet heart, answered he, so I might choose what book, to whom she again answered, and what book would you wish me to be, marry sweet wife saith he, an Almanac, for so I might have every year a new one.   

52. An Epitaph.  
THe Lord chief justice Femming that succeeded judge Poppans in his place, being both a learned and merciful Gentleman, being deceased, a pleasant fellow writ of him this Epitaph:  
justice is dead, that was of justice chief,  
Who never yet hanged true man for a thief:  
Nor ever was condemned for condemning,  
Being borne in England, yet he died a Fleming.   

53. Of an extraordinary nose.  
A Pleasant fellow meeting a man in the street with an extraordinary red nose, looks very earnestly in his face, as if he had espied something there which he wondered at, the man asked what it was at which he so gazed, to which he answered, friend, I have reviewed you thus earnestly, and for aught I can perceive, me thinks your eyes are not matches, no saith he, I pray show a reason why they are not, marry saith he, because most certainly if they had been matches, your nose by this time would have set them on fire.   

54. Two Innkeepers.  
AN Innkeeper of Saffron Walden using every Term constantly to one Inn in London, the two Hosts grew into a great league of love & friendship together, but ever and anon when he of London was about his business, or out of the way, mine Host of Walden was importunate with his wife to make him a Cuckold: which the modest woman at her best opportunity told to her husband what a false friend he was to him, for which he vows revenge, and taking no notice at all what was passed: The time came that mine Host of Walden was for the Country; great healths, and much protestation of love there was at their parting: But this injury still sticks in mine host of London's stomach. A toy takes him in the head in the long vacation, he takes his horse, & rides purposely to see his old friend of Walden; and coming near the Town, he spurs somewhat hard, alights in the Inn yard, his horse being all of a sweat, he calls for an Oftler to walk him up and down; he was no sooner dismounted but he was espied by his old friend and familiar acquaintance, who runs to him, embraces him, and calls out his wife to bid him welcome: the woman appears; This is mine host (saith he) of London, which useth me with kindness and respect, to whom I am so much bound, and whose health I have drunk, and thou hast pledged so often; now I pray thee joane with a kiss bid him welcome into the Country. The woman in great courtesy offers him her lips, whom he scornfully puts by: and I pray you good woman are you wife to this man? yes, said she, for default of a better: but I entreat you fool not me saith he, I came to visit this my friend in kindness, and not to be derided. Derided saith she, why speak you that, I am she that hath laid by his side this twenty years: I that she hath I can assure you, quoth mine host of Walden: But will you tell me that, quoth mine host of London, of certainty I know this not to be the woman you were wont to bring to my house to lodge, and lay with her Term by Term, I hope I know her if I see her again: nay mine host saith he, if you be such a kind of fellow, here is no staying for me; at which words while the other stood half amazed, he leaps up into the saddle, and without mere pause spurs back as fast as he can, to London. Mine host of Walden calls after him, but in vain: the woman rails, he would excuse it, but cannot be heard: drunkard, and whoremaster are the best she can afford him: the house is all in an uproar; nor could the man and wife ever be reconciled, notwithstanding all his vows, and oaths, with the mediation of neighbours and friends, till mine host of London, thinking himself partly revenged, sent under his hand and seal, that it was but a mere trick put upon him in requital of a former injury.   

55. Two old Widows.  
TWo old widows sitting over a Cup of Ale in a Winter's night, entered into discourse of their dead husbands, & after the ripping up of their good, and bad qualities, saith one of them to her maid, I prithee wench reach us another light, for my husband, (God rest his soul) above all things loved to see good lights about the house, God grant him light everlasting: and I pray you neighbour (saith the other) let the maid lay on some more Coals, or stir up the fire, for my husband in his life time ever loved to see a good fire, God grant him fire everlasting.   

56. A Horse-stealer.  
A Fellow for stealing of a horse was apprehended, arraigned, convicted, and executed: the question being made, why this man was hanged, it was answered for stealing a horse, Nay saith the other, I will assure you no such matter, he was hanged for being taken, for had he stolen an hundred and never been taken, he might have been alive at this day.   

57 A Baker.  
ONe being called in question before a justice for giving a Baker ill language: now, saith the justice, my friend, what say you to this complaint? Truly sir said he, the worst words that ever I gave him, was that I held him to be as honest a man as ever lived by bread.   

58. A Coachman.  
A Mad fellow, a Coachman about the Town being drunk, fell from the seat where he sare, and the wheels running over him, broke one of his legs, the anguish of which driven him into a Fever: but being well recovered of them both, he had an humour to go and prove all the prime Doctors of the Town, and try whether by his water they could tell his profession, or his misfortune, or the disease that before had troubled him: he being then in perfect health, his water was carried to many, and all that saw it, concluded, that he that sent it was a sound man, but could proceed no further; therefore his opinion was, that all Physicians were fools, and not one learned man amongst them. This being told an ancient grave Doctor that practised about the City by one of the Coachman's acquaintance, by whom he had understood every particular before related: he wrought with him to persuade the Coachman to bring his water to him, which took effect: But in their journey towards the Doctor, they drinking somewhat hard, the Coachman carrying his urinal empty, pist it full, which his friend seeing, fie, saith he, carry not all this water along for shame, pour out half at least, otherwise he will perceive we have been drinking; the Coachman was persuaded, and did so. On they went, and whilst the Coachman stayed below, his friend went up to see if the Doctor were at leisure, and told him all that past by the way: This done, the Patient is called up, who presents his Urinal to the Doctor, with many a low congee outwardly, though scoffing inwardly. The Doctor he turns, and tosses the glass, sometimes chafing it against the fire, then again holds it up to the light: at last he breaks into these words, I perceive by this water, that he that made it was a Carter, or Carman. Truly (saith he) if it please your Worship, you come the nearest of all the Doctors I have tried yet, and yet you are wide from the mark. Wilt thou tell me that saith the Doctor, sure I am he is one that gets his living by the whip. Therein you are right again answered the other: for to tell you true he was a Coachman. Very good saith the Doctor: now this Carter being drunk, fell from his Cart, and the wheel ran over him and broke his leg. You are right in all things sir, if you would change the Cart, & the Carter, into the Coach, & Coachman. Interrupt me not, saith the Doctor; this Carter breaking his Leg, fell after into a dangerous Fever of which he is since recovered. Good your worship. Good your Worship, no more Carter, nor Cart, if you love me; for of my knowledge he was a Coachman, and fell from his Coach. His Coach saith the Doctor, still looking upon the Urinal: I prithee truly resolve me, is here all the water that was made? No indeed, saith the fellow, I poured out half by the way. Nay, I thought as much; then there went away the other two wheels, saith the Doctor, for there cannot be above two contained in this Urinal. The Coachman admires his cunning, departs satisfied with his skill, saith, he shall have his custom, with all his comrades; and vowed only for his sake, to speak well of Doctors ever after.   

59 A Tailor.  
A Tailor bringing to a Gentleman a bill of extraordinary length, because it included many reckonings, and altogether despairing of present payment, because the party had a present purpose to travel; the Gentleman demands what he would bate him of the main bill, and he would pay him down the rest in ready money, ready cash quoth the Tailor, being ecstasied with the very thought, I will bate you saith he a full yard City measure and that's a handful more, take it off in the middle, the top, or the bottom, either of all these three, choose you which.   

60. A Cheater.  
A Cheater having stolen a cup out of a Tavern, and being pursued and taken in the streets, there grew on the sudden a great tumult of people, and a great confluence was gathered together, a civil Gentleman passing, and seeing another come from thence that had been at the uproar, demanded of him what was the reason of that throng, nothing saith he, but that one hath gotten a cup too much, alas saith the other, nothing else, that may be an honest man's fault, and mine as soon as another's.   

61. A handsome wench, and a justice.  
A Handsome wench for some suspicious business being brought before a justice somewhat late in the evening, and he taking compassion of her because she was fair and seeming modest, wished the man that brought her before him to take her home, and lodge her that night, and he would hear the business more at large in the morning; Marry with all my heart, saith he, Master justice, so you will but commit my wife which is now at home to the Counter till the morning.   

62. A cleanly lie.  
WIll: Kempe by a mischance was with a sword run quite through the leg, a Country Gentleman coming to visit him, asked him how he came by that mischance, he told him, and withal, troth saith he, I received this hurt just eight weeks since, and I have line of it this quarter of a year, and never stirred out of my Chamber.   

63. Gentlemen at an Ordinary.  
Certain Gentlemen being in Game at an Ordinary, every one complained of a filthy rank smell that was amongst them, which grew still hotter and hotter in their Noses: At length saith one of them jestingly, I pray you Gentlemen, which of you amongst us here useth to wear Socks? A Country Gentleman one of the company presently answered, not I, I protest I never knew what belongs to them.   

64. Of a deaf Hostess.  
A Young Gentleman having a deaf hostess, used to put many jests upon her, and one day having invited diverse of his friends to dinner, and thinking to make them merry, taketh a glass of wine, and maketh signs to the good old woman that he drank to her, and saith, here Hostess, I will drink to you, and to all your friends, namely the Bawds and Whores in Turnbull street, to whom she innocently said, I thank you Sir, even with all my heart, I know you remember your Mother, your Aunt, and those good Gentlewomen your sisters.   

65. Of a Apprentice.  
A Young Boy coming out of the Country, and being new bound Apprentice, seeing my Lord Mayor's show, and wondering at the great pomp and state he rid in, I marry saith he, now I see what we must all come too.   

66. A Spaniard and a Dutchman.  
A Spaniard and a Dutchman meeting in an Inn, were appointed to be bedfellows, the Dutchman went first to bed, expecting the other, who before he uncased himself, takes out of his mouth a set of teeth, and wiping them laid them in a clean napkin. The Dutchman being still awake, began to wonder. In the mean time he takes off his counterfeit hair, and shows a head quite bald. The other still observes him. Then he takes out an artificial eye, wipes it, and lays it by the rest. This began to startle the other, who by this time had served off his silver Nose, and then makes towards the bed: which the Dutchman seeing, leaps out of the bed, crying, the Devil, the Devil.   

67. A great Lords entertainment.  
THe Mayor of Exeter entertaining the Earl of Essex in his return from his first Cales voyage; at dinner entreated my Lord to relate unto him all the passage of the assaulting, and taking the Town: Which my Lord having done at his entreaty: I marry saith he, this were brave indeed, if it were true. My Lord smiled at his ignorance, but said little, but drunk to him. The Mayor pledged his Lordship, and withal asked him how he liked the Wine? Who answered, it was very good. I but, saith Master Maior, I have a cup of Wine in my Cellar, etc. I marry saith my Lord, I should have thought myself welcome, indeed, if I might have tasted of that.   

68 An Empiric.  
AN Empiric that had but one cure for all diseases, which was certain Pills which he used to give for all sorts of maladies, by reason that some of his Patients were accidentally cured: grew famous in the place where he lived, amongst the the simpler sort: In so much that some of them held him for a learned Doctor: others for a cunning man. It happened that a poor Country man, having his Cow strayed from him, and giving her out for lost, heard the fame of this Artist; proffers him money to help him to his Cow again. Who answered, if he would have any Pills, he could help him to them. Yes, with all my heart saith the poor man, if I thought they would do me any good in this business. The Artist sells him Pills, and teacheth him how to take them; which he presently did, and bids him farewell. The man going homeward the Physic began to work with him: he retires himself for modesty sake from the highway into a neighbouring thicket; where as he sat, casting his eye aside, he by chance saw his Cow grazing amongst the bushes; at which he rejoiced. The next day he returned to the City, to give thankes, by whose report he grew ten times more famous than before among the vulgar.   

69. Of a Horse.  
Queen Elizabeth in her progress to Coventry, was met a distance from the Town by the Mayor and his Brethren, and so conducted to the City. There was a Water in the way, and Master Mayor's horse would needs drink; but his rider not suffering him, but curbing him in, the horse kept such a plunging in the water, that he dashed the Queen; who called to him, and asked him why he did not let his Horse drink? Who answered, if it please your Grace, I was not so ill bred, as to suffer my Horse to drink before you Majesties.   

70. A young Citizen and his Wife.  
A Young Citizen and his wife being at dinner together, he had earen Eggs, and she was feeding upon Beef; and finding herself somewhat dry: Sweet husband saith she, I prithee drink to me, and I will pledge thee; thee after thine Egg, and I after mine Ox.   

71. Of Rape seed.  
A Handsome young fellow having seen a Play at the Curtain, comes to William Rowly after the Play was done, and entreated him if his leisure served, that he might give him a Pottle of Wine, to be better acquainted with him. He thanked him, and told him if he pleased to go as fare as the King's Head at Spittlegate, he would as soon as he had made himself ready follow him, and accept of his kindness. He did so, but the Wine seeming tedious betwixt two, and the rather because the young fellow could entertain no discourse, Rowly beckoned to an honest fellow over the way to come and keep them company; who promised to be with them instantly. But not coming at the second or third calling. At last he appears in the room, where William Rowly gins to chide him because he had stayed so long. He presently craved pardon, and gins to excuse himself, that he had been abroad to buy Rape seed, and that he stayed to seed his birds. At the very word of Rape seed, the man rose from the Table, with a changed countenance, being very much discontented, and said, Mr Rowly I came in courtesy to desire your acquaintance, and to bestow the Wine upon you, not thinking you would have called this fellow up to taunt me so bitterly, (they wondering what he meant,) He proceeded. 'tis true indeed, the last Sessions I was arraigned at Newgate for a Rape: but I thank God, I came off like an honest man, little thinking to be twitted of it here. Both began to excuse themselves, as not knowing any such thing, as well as they might. But he that gave the offence, thinking the better to express his innocence; young Gentleman, saith he, to express how fare I was from wronging of you, lock you here, as I have Rape seed in one Pocket for one Bird, so here is Hemp seed on this side for another. At which word, Hemp seed, saith the young man, Why Villain, dost thou think I have deserved hanging? and took up the Pot to fling at his head, but his hand was stayed: and as error and mistake began the quarrel, so Wine ended it.   

72. Of a Thatcher.  
A Thatcher being on the top of an house, one of the maids speaks to him somewhat hastily, and bids him come down to breakfast, The fellow whether over-ioyed with the news, or what the matter was I know not, but his hands left their hold, and his feet slipped, and down he came sliding; which the wench seeing, calls aloud to him, and saith, Gaffer, Gaffer, you need not make such haste, for breakfast is not ready.   

73. Of another Thatcher.  
ANother of the same trade, being at work on the ridge of an high Barn, and all the Thatch lose beneath him, his feet slipped from him, and still as he felt himself falling, catching uncertain hold, as the Thatch failed him, he cried, Lord help me, Lord bless me, Lord preserve me: but coming to the Eaveses, and beholding what a great distance it was betwixt him and the ground; raps out a great oath, and says, what a huge fall am I like to have.   

74. Of an Ox hide.  
A Scholar of the University being abroad late in the Town, coming by a Tanner's house, happened to stumble upon a raw Ox hide that lay before his door: and groping with his hand to know what it was, first hits upon the hyde, and after upon the horns, upon which he had this conceit: 
Te toga dat nostrum, te dant tua cornua Civem.  In English thus; 
Thou shouldst be Scholar by thy Gown,  
But by thy Horns one of the Town.    

75. Three Surgeons.  
THree Surgeons in their own Countries were equally famous, and all at one time: the one in England, another in Ireland, a third in Wales. Now as all men naturally inquire after such as are eminent in their own quality: so each of these by rumour having heard much of the others excellency: They had great desire to see one another, and were all in the same thought. The Irishman comes over to inquire after both, or either just at the same time when the Englishman was journeying towards Wales, and the Welshman towards England. These three by accident met in one Inn, all strangers one to another. Motion was made by the Hostess, in regard they were single men, that they might Sup together: It was accepted of. After supper they grew in discourse of their own Art. The Irishman extols one famous in England, another in Wales: The Welshman is as liberal in the praise of an Englishman, and an Irishman: The Englishman is as free in commending the other. After some circumstance, they find themselves to be the same. Many interchanging of courtesy passed between them: and the Table being drawn, they concluded all to lie in one Chamber. A great fire being made, and some healths passing round: at length saith the Englishman, we are all famous for our Art practised upon others; being so fortunately met, it were not much amiss if we practised something upon ourselves. The others as ambitious to make trial of their skill, gave consent to the motion. The Englishman presently calls for a clean wooden dish; and having commanded the hostess to leave the Chamber, takes his incision Knife, and opens himself before the fire, rips up his belly, takes out his stomach or Paunch, and casts it into the wooden dish: then binds up his body, as his Art taught him, without any trouble of colour or countenance. Which they seeing, notwithstanding cheered him up, and asked him how he did. He answered, (I thank God) never better, only for the present he wanted a stomach. They applaud his cunning. Then the Irishman loath to be exceeded in his Art, with his knife takes out one of his eyes, with the strings, and without show of fear or sign of pain, closeth up the place with a plaster, and lays it to the Englishmans Paunch in the wooden Platter. Which the Welshman observing, and scorning to be underualued in his Art, leaps to his sword, and takes it in the  hand, and cuts off the right, stauncheth the blood, binds up the wound, & casts it to the rest, as little moved as the other. This done, they deliver up the paunch, the eye, and the hand to be kept safe, and delivered back to them in the morning. And then to bed they go. The Hostess lays these things in the wet Larder: but her daughter forgetting to lock the door; about break of day in comes a Cow, and eats up all in the Tray. The hostess rising betimes in the morning, going to see her charge, finds all devoured, and no sign of any thing remaining, she grows into a great perplexity for her guests, grieving that she should be the cause of their deaths: Which her daughter overhearing, comforts her mother thus. To satisfy your guests in show, and to avoid the law, we have incurred by our negligence. First for the Englishman, they say the paunch of an Hog, or a Sow is just like the stomach of a man, or woman: Our Sow is fat, and to be killed shortly, cut her throat now, her flesh will be never a whit the worse, and lay her Paunch in the place of the other, this was no sooner advised then put in practice. But now saith the hostess, how shall we do for the Irishmans eye? Oh mother saith the Girl, look but upon our grey eyed Cat, and she hath hath such eyes as he hath for all the world. The mother apprehends, the Cat is taken, and suffers, and her eye cast into the trey in stead of the Irishmans. That done, what shift (saith mine hostess) shall we make for the Welshman's hand? Oh Mother saith the Girl, but yesterday a thief suffered, and hangs still upon the Gallows: send quickly to the place, and cut off his hand, and lay it in the place of the Welshman's. All is done, the Surgeons call, the Trey is carried up, and (as they think) every thing accommodated in his own place. The Englishman closeth up his stomach: the Irishman puts in his eye: the Welshman fastens on his hand, and every of them in outward appearance seems whole, and sound. And being ready to take horse, and part, saith one of them; these cures seem currant for the present, but whether they be settled, or permanent, may be a question: Therefore I hold it fit that every one of us travel about our most necessary affairs, and meet here again in the same place this day month, to give account of our cures. It is concluded: the day comes: the Artists appear according to promise. They first ask the Englishman concerning the state of his body? Who anwered, he was never in better health, nor ever had so great a stomach; for now no meat can come amiss to him, raw, or roasted: beside, he had much ado to keep his Nose out of every swilling Tub: Nay, he cannot see a young Child turn his backside to the wall, but he had a great mind to be doing with it. They question next the Irishman of his health: who answers, that he feels himself well, saving that he feels some defect in that one eye, for when the one is shut, and asleep, the other is open and awake. Besides, if at midnight he hear a Rat or a Mouse stirring, he could not contain himself from stepping out of bed, breaking his Shins so often, that they were never without plasters. They question the Welshman last, he protests that he is well, and in health, and that in his own nature he is both of good condition, and conversation, but ever since the rejoining of that hand, he hath much ado from stealing whatsoever stands in his way, and from keeping it out of the next man's Pocket.   

76. Of Bucanon.  
THe famous Poet Bucanon in his travels was taken hold of by some of the Pope's Inquisitors, who by his free writing, suspected his religion, but he to acquit himself, wrote unto his holiness this Dysticon: 
Laus tua non tua fraus, virtus non copia rerum,  
Scandere te fecit hoc decus eximium.  Which thus I paraphrase. 
Thy praise not fraud, thy virtue, not thy store,  
Made thee to climb that height which we adore.   
For which Encomium he was set at liberty, and being got out of the Pope's jurisdiction, he sent to his Holiness, and desired according to his own true meaning, to read the selfsame verses backward which were these: 
Eximium decus hoc fecit te scandere rerum  
Copia, non virtus, fraus tua, non tua laus.  Thus Englished: 
The height which we adore, what made thee climb?  
Not virtue, nor thy worth, rather thy crime.    

77. An Usurer dying.  
A Great Usurer having purchased a mighty estate, as all men are mortal, so the time came when he must leave the world: and lying upon his deathbed, the Doctors, and Physicians having given him over, a Reverend Divine was sent to comfort him; who telling him of many comforts for his soul's health, amongst other things, said, he had been a great purchaser upon earth, but now he must study for another purchase, which was the Kingdom of heaven. He turning upon the other side, at the hearing of the word purchase, answered, I will not give more than according to fifteen years for the purchase, and so died. This Gentleman preaching at his funeral, in the conclusion of his Sermon, said only thus, Brethren, and dear beloved, it is now expected, that should speak something concerning our brother here deceased: I will end it in few words, namely these: How he lived you know, how he died I know, and where his soul is now, God Almighty knows.   

78. A parish Clarke.  
AN honest man, a Parish Clarke, and a freeman of London, by trade a Skinner, being by the Preacher, before he went into the Pulpit, (because he found himself at the present not very well) entreated to sing a Psalm of some length: I will said he, and said aloud thus: I entreat you good people sing Lamentation of a Skinner.   

79. Two sisters.  
TWo sisters, the one being exceeding fair, the other extreme black: It so fortuned, the one had Suitors, the other had none. The fair one meeting with a Sweetheart of hers in a Garden, to which her chamber window was a prospect, they grew so wantonly familiar, that it was most undecent, and unseemly; the black sister finding the others chamber open, and espying all which had past; with her diamond writes, Te tam formosam non decet esse levem, and having done this, conveys herself out of the room. Their dalliance being ended, the fair sister returning to her Chamber, and finding no body there, espies what was writ in the window, and finding it to be her sister's ohatacter, thus subscribes, Te non formosam non valet esse levem, which I thus interpret, the first:  So fair and light do not agree. 
The answer:  Were you as fair such would you be.  

80. Wishers, and woulders.  
ONe desiring a Scholar to turn the old ancient English proverb into Latin, Wishers and Woulders were never good householders. That I will presently, saith the Scholar thus, Oh si, oh si, otiosi.   

81. Barbarous Latin.  
ONe thinking with barbarous latin to put down a Scholar, came and saluted him in these words, Ars tufons, art thou well? To whom he presently answered in the others garb, Asinus fons, Asinus tu; that is, As well as thou.   

81. A Gentleman to a Lady.  
A Witty conceited Gentleman, that when he came among Ladies, would often bolt out a phrese of Latin; one of them, that thought herself the most witty amongst the rest, said unto him, Sir you are ever and anon out with your Latin, which we Gentlewomen understand not, therefore are afraid lest you should play upon us: But for mine one part, I persuade myself that if you speak but two words, if one of them be good, the other is naught. I, saith he, Madam; what say you then of these two words, bona mulier, good woman? Well saith she, bona may be good, but if mulier be not naught, than never trust me.   

83. Two hiring one horse.  
TWo fellows purposing a journey hired a horse betwixt them to ride by turns: The one laid down half the hire, and calls to his partner for the other half, which he willingly disbursed. Which done, saith he, mark the conditions betwixt us, which are these: when I ride, than you shall go a eight, and when you go on foot them I shall ride. This is the bargain, will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart saith the other. So the first got up, rod the whole journey, and left the other to come on foot after him.   

84. A Gentleman and a Horse-courser.  
A Gentleman hired a Horse in Smithfield to ride a journey twenty miles beyond York, and having paid the Horse-courser his money he desired to know of him whether the horse would serve him his journey, or no? to whom the fellow answered, that without doubt he would, if he would but observe three things, the Gentleman ask what they were, The first is saith he, you must meat him well. Fear not saith the other, for I look to my horse, as to myself. The second is, you must not ride him up hill nor down hill. Well saith he, I must spare him to ease myself. Now what is the third, marry saith he, drive him before you in all the even way you come in, and if he serve not your journey as well as any horse in England, trust me no more. Thus was the poor Gentleman not only jaded, but mocked for his money.   

85. A man buying a Cow.  
A Certain man came into the Market, to buy a Cow, and bought one: when he had paid for her he desired to know what faults she had. Now the Cow could not endure any to stand just before her: so the seller spoke to the buyer to stand just before her, and he should see all her faults at once: which he did: but no sooner was he just before her, thinking to see some egregious fault in her, and alas he felt it, for she ran at him, and threw him along in the dirt.   

86. A Doctor and a Lady.  
DOctor Butler being very angry with a Lady, called her whore: she makes a grievous complaint upon him; in so much, that partly by compulsion, partly by entreaty, he was forced to recant his words before a competent company, such as for her best satisfaction she would make choice of. The time appointed came, wherein he recanted in these words:  
Madam I called you whore, 'tis true. and to speak otherwise, I should lie.  
I come to give you satisfaction, I am sorry.  
Upon these terms grew a perfect reconcilement between them.   

87. An Epitaph.  
A Gentleman having lost a dear friend of his, and willing to bestow some monument upon him after his death, comes to a Scholar, desiring him to make him a Epitaph for that purpose, he told him withal his hair, than he demanded, what special virtues his friend had when he lived, that in his death he might commend them to posterity, who answered he never took notice of any particular virtues; he asked him then what noted vices he was guilty of, he told him again not any that he knew, but that he was a good honest moral man, and more he could not speak for him: the third question was, he demanded how old he was, when he departed his life, he answered he was just sixty years of age, upon which he writ this Epitaph:  
Here lies a man was borne and cried,  
Told threescore years, fell sick, & died.   

88 Pope Alexander VI.  
POpe Alexander the sixth, intruding into the Papacy rather by force then the consort of a free election, one coming to read his title, which was Alexander Papa VI Pope Alexander the sixth, read Alexander Papa vi. Alexander Pope by force.   

89. Pictures hanged.  
A Fantastic Gentleman having bespoken diverse Pictures to furnish a Gallery, the picturer bringing them home, he was disposing them in their several places, here saith he, hang this, there that, and there that, but here will be hanged myself.   

90. Coming of the Spaniards.  
ONe coming fearfully into a company of Gentlemen, told them he could tell them most fearful news, they asked him what it was, Marry saith he, it is publicly rumoured that the Spaniards will be here before Easter, Tush let not that trouble you saith one of the Company, I will never believe it, for the Spaniards kill no flesh in Lent.   

91. A father and his daughter.  
A Father being suspicious of his daughter, and of a young man that was a surer to her, whom he did no way affect, took his daughter to schooling, and made her vow unto him never more to come into his company without ask leave, upon a time her father sitting by the fire, and she having notice given her that her friend was at the door to speak with her, she made an exuse to reach something behind her father, and as she stooped, said father, by your leave: marry good leave have you daughter saith he, which was no sooner spoke, but out she went to her sweet heart, and saw her father no more till she came home a married wife.   

92. A letter writ out of the Country.  
A Countryman writ a Letter to a friend of his at London after this manner: After my hearty commendations, hoping in God that you are in good health, as I am at the making hereof, etc. these are to let you understand that at this present I am extremely sick, and much troubled with a quartan ague, in so much that there is small hopes ever to be mine own man again: And for such a man that hath done me most violent and dangerous wrongs I do forgive him with all my heart and soul: but if it shall please God I may recover this sickness, I will be revenged of him to the utmost of my power, though it cost me all that ever I am or shall be worth, thus being loath to trouble you any further, I remain, and cease ever to be your loving friend,  
I. F.   

93. A lie retorted.  
ONe hearing another in the company tell a lie, at least an extreme impossibility, all condemned it for a thing that had no appearance of truth: no saith one, I can tell you as strange a wonder as that, walking the other day over the fields, and ploughed lands, it was my fortune to cast mine eye upon a Hare that was sitting, having nothing at that time in mine hand, and being desirous to kill her sitting, still fixing my eyes upon her, I stooped to take up a clod or stone to fling at her, & beat out her brains, and in that thought stooping to catch up something, I fastened upon another hare that sat there form, cast her from me, and hit the other as she was rising, and broke both their necks, and carried them home to supper.   

94. A Scotchman and his Mistress.  
A Scotchman in the beginning of the spring, when scarce one flower was seen to bud out of the earth, by chance walking to take the air, cast his eye upon a Primrose fairly blown, and being about to pluck it, he began to consider with himself, how much more acceptable would this be to my Lady, and Mistress, if for the rareness thereof she gathered it with her own fair hand, and in this thought he purposed to call her from her Chamber, and bring her to the place, but fearing lest any one in his absence should find it out, he thought it the safest way to cover it with his hat, so he did, and goes withal speed to his Lady's Chamber, in this interim one coming by that way, (whether he before observed him or no, I know not) but removing the hat to see what was under it, espies the flower, and crops it, and in the same place he left a Rose of a worse smell behind him, covers it with the hat, and conveighes himself quite out of sight, presently after comes the Scotchman leading his Lady by the arm, tells her after many compliments the rareness of the flower, and of his great fortune to find it, and how much more precious she should make it by plucking it in her own person. Why where is this dainty flower saith she you so much praise and speak of. Why here sweet Lady saith he covered with this my Beaver, and with curiosity removing it, discovers the thing I spoke of, still smelling, and therefore more offensive to the smell, the Scotchman blushes, the Lady rails, what he then thought, or how her dainty nose took it, I leave it to the Readers considerations:  
So dainty was her nose? and she not smell  
That sent before she came so near? and tell  
The Scotchman that for recreation  
She walked with him, so far 'tis Lady's fashion,  
But flowers she'd have none, so soon this year,  
So might she have ie'rde him, and not he her.   

95. Of a Gentleman that was the first of his house.  
ONe Gentleman objecting to another, that he was the first of his house, the other answered that is my honour that thou upbraidest me with, but be it thy dishonour that thou art likely to be the last of thine.   

96. An Empiric and his man.  
A Physician and his man riding a long, they perceived a distance off, a great confluence of people assembled: the master desirous to know the reason thereof, sends his servant to know the cause, and to give him notice, which the fellow did, & galloping back with all the speed he could, desires his master if he loved his life, to put spurs to his horse, and to provide for his present safety otherwise he was but a lost man: at which the Physician amazed, desired likewise to know the reason of that, his man replied, Sir, the reason of this meeting is to behold the execution of one that hath killed a man, now if he were condemned for killing of one, what danger are you in, that to my knowledge have been the death of half a hundred at the least.   

97. Two Country Fellows.  
Two Country fellows meeting at an Assizes in the Country, one asked the other what news, and how many were condemned to suffer, the other answered, This hath been the strangest Sessions that ever was in my time, I have not known the like, for there is no execution at all, and is it not worthy observation, that so many justices should sit on the Bench, and not one thought worthy to be hanged?   

98. A Churchman in his Inn.  
A Churchman being in his Inn, and arguing with an high voice, fie quoth his curious hostess, Sir, why do you talk so loud? marry sweet Hostess saith he, because I am aloud to talk, and so are not you without the consent of your husband.   

99 An English Gentleman in France.  
AN English Gentleman being in France, and having exercised himself in a dancing school, had put off his pumps, and wiping himself with a dry towel, was ready to departed, at which time enters a French monsieur, and entreated him to put on his pumps again that he might see him practise, the other excused it by reason of his weariness, and that by too much heating his body, he might endanger a surfeit, but the monsieur from entreaty grew to importunity, from importunacy to threats, and withal seeing his sword lie a distance from him draws it, and swears that if he will not presently satisfy him in his request, he will run him through: the English Gentleman seeing at what advantage he had him, yields to the present necessity, dances out his Galliard, and gives him as much content as he can desire, but having ended, made himself ready, and recovered his sword, coming close to the monsieur, he tells him, that if he be a gentleman, he must satisfy him for this affront, and either acknowledge that he had done him a manifest wrong, or decide the difference by the sword: the other seeing how near it touched his reputation, told him he would give him meeting to his desire: the place, and hour was appointed, their weapons agreed upon, and their length taken: The morning came, and singly without Seconds they met and drew, the Englishman presently draws a case of Pistols, and bids the monsieur dance, I and to what tune he would either sing or whistle: the other taxes him of dishonourable advantage, but he is obstinate, and swears he will shoot him if he will not dance: then the French man lays down his arms, and feet it with all the curiosity he could, hihich done, the English man tells tem now they are upon equal wrmes, gives him leave to rest and breathe, and having made himself sport sufficiently, fought with him, and had the better of the Duel.   

100 A Gentlemen and a Constable.  
A Gentleman coming late before the Constable, thinking to have past the watch, he was called before the lantern, and very strictly demanded who he was, and whom he served, he answered, he was as they saw a man, and that he served God. I, say you so, saith the Constable, then carry him to the Compter, if you serve no body else: yes Sir replied the Gentleman, I serve my Lord Chamberlain. Say you so saith the Constable, why did you not tell me so before? Marry saith the Gentleman, because I had thought you had loved God better than my Lord Chamberlain.   

101. A rich man and a poor.  
ONe ask this question, What was that, that the poor man throws away, and the rich man puts up in his pocket? It was answered, when the rich man blows his nose in a handkerchief.   

102. A sleepy drawer.  
A Drawer sleeping under the Pulpit, the Preacher beat his desk so hard, that he being suddenly awaked, start up, and cried openly in the Church, Anon, Anon Sir.   

103. A famous Painter.  
ANgelo a most famous painter in Rome, wrought all those famous pieces, or the most part of them that are now to be seen in S. Peter's Church, and working privately with a curtain before him, as not willing his tables should be seen till his novissima manus had been upon them, and that they were complete and perfect, being at that time about the resurrection and last judgement, where the Elect were of one side, and the reprobate of the other, he had observed a Priest who would be still prying into his work, therefore to be revenged on him, he thought no more fit occasion or opportunity then to draw his face to the life amongst the damned, which he did with such art and curiosity, that when his work came to be seen, and made public, not any that knew the Priest, but could easily perceive, it personated him; for which he grew to be a derision or byword among the people, insomuch that they would say to his face, that he was in Angelo's hell already: for which he made a great complaint to the Clergy, at length petitioned to the Pope himself that his face might be taken from thence, and some put into the place: to whom the Pope gave answer, that he must necessarily excuse him in that business, for true it was, that if Angelo had put him into purgatory, he then had power in himself, to have released him thence, but seeing it was into hell, it was beyond his jurisdiction, for ex inferis nulla redemptio, out of hell there is no redemption.   

104. Of giving away Dear.  
A Private Gentleman of this Kingdom having a walk in the Forest, was complained on to King james, that he had in one year given away above 60 heads of Deer, at the least, at which his Majesty being grievously incensed, called him before him, and asked him whether that were true that was reported of him, and told him of the complaint which was made against him: to whom he answered that it was most true, that within such a time he had given away as many: at which the King being enraged he swore he would have him hanged for it: but he beseeched his Majesty to hear him fully: True it is saith he, that I have given away so many to such friends of mine that were suitors to me for Venison; but if it come to be proved that I have delivered any one of them, I shall then submit myself to undergo your highnesses most heavy displeasure, with which answer the King was appeased, and he acquitted.   

105. The King a hunting.  
THe King being one day a hunting, and pleasing to retire himself to repast, leaned, or rather sat upon the same Gentleman, being fat and corpulent, somewhat to his disease, who boldly spoke to the King in these words; I do beseech your Majesty, lean not too hard upon your cushion, lest you make the feathers tofly out.   

106. Of choughing in one's grave.  
A Master of Art in one of the Universities, having acted in a Tragedy, and his body lying seeming dead on the Stage, for the time was not yet come that he should be taken away, a passion took him that he was forced to cough so loud that it was perceived by the general auditory, at which many of them falling into a laughter, he rising up excused it thus: you may see Gentlemen what it is to drink in ones porridge, for they shall cough in their grave.   

107. A Gentleman in disgrace.  
A Worthy Gentleman, and a good Scholar had been long in disgrace with Queen Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing to examine, but he made means to one that was then in great favour at Court, to bring him into favour with her Majesty, which he had promised him, and persuaded the Queen to give admittance of him into her presence. The time was come, and the other brought him, where and when she expected him: who having done his duty with all the submission that a subject might; The Queen saith, I understand you are a great scholar, shall I ask you one question? Any thing Madam saith he that lies within the compass of mine understanding to resolve you; then I pray you saith she, how many vowels be there? Madam saith he, it is a question that every school boy can resolve you, but since you would be answered from me, there be five: five saith she? but I pray you of these five, which may we best spare? Not any of them Madam saith he, without corrupting of our natural dialect. Yes replied she, I can tell you, for of them all we can (for our own part) best spare u or you.   

108. A simple Constable.  
A Gentleman walking late, knowing there to be a simple Constable that had the watch that night, giving him some peremptory terms, there was no way with him but to prison he must, at length the Gentleman came up close to him, and bid him commit him if he durst. Why saith he, what may I call your name, that I who present the King's person may not commit? Saith the Gentleman, my name is Adultery, and neither by God's Laws nor man's ought you to commit me: which one of the wisest of the company hearing, let him go Master Constable saith he, let him go, for if your wife should hear that you had committed Adultery in your watch it might be an everlasting breach of love betwixt you. Upon this the constable was appeased, and the Gentleman went quietly to his lodging.   

109. The twelve signs of usury.  
ONe being desirous to know what twelve several Nations nearest resembled the 12. months, having their several influences from them, was by one that stood by in Distiches thus answered.  

Aquarius bids the Russian at home tarry,  
And use baths, furs, and fires in january.   

Pisces in February bids keep warm,  
Lest hail, rain, snow, may do the Lopland harm.   

March of Mars savours, Aries the Commander,  
To him belongs the warlike. Netherlander.   

April hath correspondence to the French,  
And Tau rus tells us that he loves a wench.   

In Gemini the Italian loves to play,  
And therefore he is like the Month of May.   

The Month of june is governed by the Crab,  
The Spaniards hot, and he must have a drab.   

In july the bright Sun in Virgo sways,  
The parched Moors are tanned by his rays.   

Leo in August reines, the Indian then,  
Though naked may be counted amongst men.   

The English the Goat invites as I remember,  
To challenge to himself the Month September.   

The Scorpion ripens harvest in October,  
The German claims that month, though seldom sober.   

The Austrian who his shape doth never vary,  
November claims, swayed by the Sagittary.   

Upon th' Hungarian Aquarius pours  
Many full pots, filled by December showers.    

110. One preaching against usury.  
ONe preaching violently against usury, was by one that was known to be a great money master, the same day invited to dinner, but because he had so nettled him and all of his profession in his sermon, he was at the first motion (fearing some violence to be offered to to his person) resolved not to go, but upon consideration, trusting to the privilege of his Coat, he boldly went, and was exceeding welcome, the Table being taken away the guests either dispersed, or in discourse, the usurer takes the Preacher aside, putteth ten pieces in his hand and thankes him kindly for his sermon: the other wondering at his bounty, demanded of him the reason thereof, for said he, I was afraid I had much offended in being so bitter against those two damnable crimes of oppression and usury. The other answered, I protest you were so fare from offence to me ward, that you gave me much content, and I would entreat you to amplify that Text, and in all your sermons to inveigh against it still. The Preacher ask his reason, I hope it may so edify, and prevail with some that they will quite give it over, and so by that means, I and some others of my own resolution, may put out our money to our profit.   

111. Of a tall Gentleman, and a little Tailor.  
A Little low Tailor working to a tall Fantastic Gentleman, had pleased him in all things, saving that he never made his collar high enough, and bespeaking a new suit, charged him to button him up before two or three buttons more than ordinary. The Tailor willing to give him all content, did accordingly: brought it home, and see it put on; and having buttoned him to the height, it made him hold up his chin, so that he could scarce see any thing save the Element. Saith the Tailor, have I pleased your worship now? Oh very well saith the Gentleman, this is as I would have it. Reach me up thy bill, and put thy hand into my other hose, there is my purse, and tell out thy money. The Tailor did so, and told him he was satisfied. I am glad of it, saith the Gentleman, and not able to hold down his head, Reach me thine hand honest friend, saith he, and now farewell, for I fear I shall never see thee again.   

112. Two Gentlemen falling out.  
TWo young gentlemen falling out in a Tavern over night, promised to meet in the field the next morning, and did so; but upon cold blood distrusting their valours, they began to parley: at length it was concluded betwixt them, that in regard their going out was taken notice of by other gentlemen, and if no blood were drawn betwixt them, it might redound to both their disparagement, to give one another some sleight hurt, or scratch such a place, where they could best endure it: and so drew cuts who should give the first wound, and the other to appoint the place. Saith he who was the first patient, give me a little prick in the Arm: I will saith the other, and ran his Arm quite through. The other making sour faces, at the smart thereof. Now saith he, stand me, and show me where I shall hit you? But he that was untouched, perceiving whom he had before wounded, to be scarce able to hold his sword, stands upon his guard, and tells him he lay fair and open to him, bids him hit him where he could, and so came off boasting & bragging to his friends, how he had got the better of the day.   

113. A Drunkard.  
A Drunkard lying in the street, and not able to help himself: a gentleman walking late without a light, stumbled at him, but by good fortune recovered himself, & perceiving what had line in the way, I have stumbled at a straw, saith he, and leapt over a block.   

114. A Master of a ship.  
THere was one whose name was Man, and he was Master of a ship, which was called the Moon: who was at Sea, and had been in great familiarity with a Sailor's wife in Ratcliff. In his absence her husband finding her to be a light huswife: but not knowing of the former, charged her with a young Seafaring man, with whom she had been often at private meeting in company, and that very suspiciously, in so much that he urged her to tell him upon her salvation, what in that kind had passed betwixt them. The woman to give his jealousy satisfaction, fell down upon her knees, and wished some heavy fate might fall upon her, if she knew more by that party, then by the man in the Moon, at which protestation the husband was satisfied, and as it is said never jealous of her after.   

115. A Gourmandizer.  
A Gormandizing fellow protesting to a friend of his that he loved him as well as he loved his soul. I thank you sir (said he) with all my heart; but I had rather you loved me as well as you love your body.   

A Welsh Reader.  
A Welshman reading the chapter of the Genealogy, where Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat jacob, ere he came to the midst he found the names so difficult, that he broke off in these words, and so they begat one another till they came to the end of the Chapter.   

117. A Bishop and a Gentleman.  
THis is an old one, but a good one, and therefore not altogether amiste to be here inserted; which though it be known to some, is questionless not to all. A Gentleman of the University, being great acquaintance with a Doctor, insomuch that they were very intimate, and endeared friends. It happened that the Gentleman traveled for the space of seven years: In which interim this Doctor was made an Archbishop. The Gentleman at his return being glad to hear of his friend's preferment, took time to visit him, and came just when they were preparing for dinner. The Archbishop more strange in his salutation then before; after short greeting asked him where he purposed to dine? He answered, My Lord, where my horse stands, which is both an Inn, and an Ordinary. Well saith my Lord, it may be before dinner be done you shall hear from me, and so parted, without any further compliments. The gentleman went to his Inn, and sat down among the rest of the strangers. The Archbishop remembering his promise, calls one of his gentlemen, and spying a Mullet (which is a Sea fish) on the Table; Take this dish saith he, and inquire for such a Gentleman at his Inn, and tell him I have sent him this, as a Token of my love, to mend his Ordinary. The Gentleman did. And finding him set amongst other strangers, told him that his Grace had sent him that token of his love, to mend his commons, he kindly seemed to accept it, and humbly thanked his Grace, and the Gentleman that brought it: who being about to take his leave, the Gentleman called him back, and desired to hear of him, whether his Lordship had not withal sent him either bread to his fish, or Bear, or Wine? Who answered him, not any of those. Then I pray you saith he, remember my service to your Lord, in a sheet suddenly; and calling for Pen, Ink, and Paper, writ this distich,  
Mittitur in disco  
Mihipiscis ab Archiepisco.  
Po non ponetur,  
Quia potus non mihi detur.  
The messenger bearing the Note to his Lord, he called him back again, told him it might be his Grace that could forget his friends, might perhaps not well remember his Latin, therefore entreated that he would stay to take the same lines interpreted into English, which were thus:  
There was a fish, sent me in a dish, by an Archbis  
Hop shall not be there, because he sent me no Beer.   

118 Trusting for a reckoning.  
ONe came into a Tavern, Drawer saith he, wilt thou trust me for a Pottle of Wine till the next time I come? Sir saith he, I must answer you in the same words, I will trust you for a Pettle of Wine, till I come again: so brought it, and made him pay for it.   

119. Strange beasts to be seen.  
TWo pleasant fellows coming by a Bartholomew Fair, where amongst other shows, diverse beasts were to be seen: as a Leopard, a Cat a Mountain, and the like: either having no money at all, or that little they had being unwilling to spend; one asked the other how they might see these sights, and cost them nothing? The other answered, follow me, do as I do, say nothing and fear nothing. So coming to him that kept the door, by your leave Sir saith the first, and the other rushed in after him: so taking view of that was to be seen; saith one of them, where are these monsters which your painted cloth speaks of? here saith the Keeper. Where saith the other? why here saith he. They having seen what they came for, a good jest (saith the first) indeed, come a way, do not use thus to make fools of Gentlemen, and so went out of the Room. Saith the Keeper looking after them, I perceive these two be of that kind of people that can see, and will not.   

120. A Emperor of Rome.  
A Emperor of Rome passing by the high way in great pomp, with his Nobility, and Gentry about him, two beggars sitting together, saith one of them, Oh how happy were that man (saith the one of them) whom the Emperor would be pleased to make rich. Nay, answered the other, happy were that man whom God Almighty would be pleased to make rich. This Caesar overhearing, gave charge to a Gentleman that was next him, that these two Beggars should attend him the next monow at Court. At these summons the poor men were in a most pitiful case, fearing they had spoke some treason to bring their lives in danger: but the next day appearing in Court, they were by the Emperor's appointment brought into the great Chamber, where a Table being covered, two rich chairs were placed, and the two beggars in them, and before them two Pies, made in all respects alike, the one full of Gold, the other having a baked Feasant, or some other fowl to serve for one meal: then were they bid to cast lots: the Pie with the Feasant fell fell to him that said, Oh how happy was he whom the Emperor would please to make rich, and the Pie of Gold to the other.   

121. A Scotch Witch.  
A Witch in Scotland, arraigned, convicted, and condemned to be burnt, being brought to the place of execution, and tied to the Stake, and the Executioner ready to give her fire, she casting her eye on the one side spied her own, and only son, a chubbed young fellow, and like the child to such a mother: She calls to him, and very earnestly with some acclamation, desires him to bring her any quantity of water, or any other liquor, were it never so small, to comfort her before her death, for she was extremely a thirst. At which he only shaken his head. She still the more earnestly importunes him, saying, Why dear child, help me to some drink, be it never so little, so it be any, I care not what it be, for I am fearful dry. To whom the young man answered, by no means dear Mother will I do you that injury, for the drier you are, the better you will burn.   

122. A braggart.  
A Terrible braggart boasted how it was his chance to meet with two of his arch enemies at once, the one saith he, I tossed so high in the air, that had he had at his back a Baker's basket full of bread, though he had eaten all the way, he would have been starved in his fall, ere he would have reached the ground: and the other he strooke so deep into the earth, that he left him no more to be seen above ground, but his head and one of his Arms, and these to no other end, then to put off his Hat to him, as he had occasion to pass that way.   

123. The reversion of an house.  
ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen, overioyed with the obtaining of a suit, for saith he, they have promised me the lease of the next house that falls. To whom one standing by replied, but had it been my case I should have petitioned for a house that stood.   

A Mayor in the North  
A Mayor of a corporation in the North, just upon the death of Queen Elizabeth, to an occasion to assemble his Brethren, and to make an Oration, what a good Queen they had lost: but wished them to take comfort, for Pompey, was dead, and Alexander was dead, and all the nine worldlings were dead, but none of all these was so good a Queen as she. And moreover saith he, in this— as Master Schoolmaster calls it, where there are no justices of peace, and that no Officers have any power, but Majors, Coroners, and Constables, by reason of which many Seabaleroes take their opportunity to commit diverse outrages, and mutinies, hoping to scape unpunished, but saith he, if all other Magistrates will take that strict order, that I purpose to do, there shall none of them all have the least hope of a resurrection.   

125. A man lying sick.  
A Man lying very sick, having his wife dead not long before, one came to him and counselled him to leave off the cares of this world, and to think of a better place, whither saith he do you think my wife is gone? no doubt said the other by the grace of God but she is in heaven, O saith he then I care not whither I go, so I come not where she is.   

126. Of one Fowl a Gentleman.  
ONe Fowl by name came unto a great man in this Kingdom, with a petition, and having been a long suitor was so importunate, that he stirred his patience so fare, that in a great rage he bade him get him gone for a Woodcock as he was: at which the petitioner smiling, humbly thanks his Lordship, for doing him that present courtesy, the Lord turned back, and thinking he had mocked, asked him what courtesy? to which he answered his Lordship, truly my Lord, I have known myself for a Fowl these fifty years, and upwards, but never knew what fowl, till now that your Lordship resolved me: his answer pleased the Lord, and his suit was dispatched instantly.   

127. A Gentleman in an Ordinary.  
A Young Gentleman late come out of the Country, and not being well acquainted with London, being at an Ordinary, amongst many other Gallants, to whom he was a mere stranger, Gentlemen saith he, I must entreat you to take notice of an humour that I have; the truth is, if any man offer to touch the bread that I cut, and lay by my trencher, I presently stab: some smiled, others looked a little strangely upon the business, till at length one Gentleman that sat next him, began thus; I entreat you all likewise to take notice of another humour which I have; and it is this, I protest when I perceive any man begin to stab, I stab again, and looking him in the face, snatched his bread, and eat it.   

128. A Welshman and a Cutpurse.  
A Gentleman that had a Welshman waiting on him came to see a Play, and drawing his purse at the door which was well furnished with Crowns, was watched by a Cutpurse, who dogged him, and took his seat close by him, the Welshman sitting behind his Master, observed that whilst he was seriously minding the sport, the Cheater had cunningly conveyed his purse out of his pocket, and was about to rise, when presently the Welshman without more words draws out his knife, and with one slash cut off the Cheater's ear, who startling at the suddenness of the act, and troubled with the smart, looked behind him, and asked him what he meant by it? The Welshman having his ear in his hand answered no harm done good friend, no harm done, give hur Master hur purse, and I will give hur, hur care.   

129. A Gentleman and a Parson.  
A Pleasant conceited Gentleman riding by the high way, in the company of some friends, spied a Parson of the Country before him, said, gentlemans yonder is a Scholar, let us mend our pace, and you shall hear me pose him with a question, and after a sleight salutation, Master Parson saith he, I pray you can you resolve me what part of speech is Qui mihi discipulus, yes Sir, I can, saith the parson, puer es cupis atque deceri, the words are so familiar that I hope they need no Interpreter.   

130. Of Grave Maurice, and marquis Spinola.  
IT is reported that when marquis Spinola came first with an Army into the Low-Countryes, that he sent word to Grave Maurice he was now come somewhat nearer him, and purposed to sit as close unto him as his Cassock to his back; to whom he returned this answer, that he had often known when a soldier hath taken a Merchant's Cloak from his shoulders, but that a Merchant should pluck off a soldier's Cassock, he had seldom heard or never.   

131. Of Bishop Gardiner.  
I Have read that Bishop Gardiner being deposed in King Edward's days, and sent to the Tower, a fellow meeting him in the way, in great derision saluted him with a low Congee, and bade him good morrow Bishop Olympia, whose salutation he returned in these few words, Gramercy knave semper.   

132. An unhappy Vintner's Boy.  
TWo Divines walking along the Town, the end of the Lane which they should pass through was choked with Carts, and the corner thereof being a Tavern, and having one door into the Lane, and another into the street, they made use of the present, and as they passed through, the boy at the bar seeing they called for no wine, Gentlemen saith he, is it your custom to go thorough a Church, and not to say your prayers.   

133. Playing with words.  
A Divine willing to play more with words, then to be serious in the expounding of his text, spoke thus in some part of his sermon; this Dial shows we must dye all, yet notwithstanding, all houses are turned into Alehouses: our cares converted into cures: our Paradise into a pair of Dice: our marriage to a merry age: our Matrimony to a matter of money: our Divines into dry Vines: It was not so in the days of Noah, Ah no, etc.   

134. Of a Landlord and his Tenant.  
A Tenant had a horse, which many times looked into his Landlord's grounds, for no hedge nor ditch could stop him, but he would still feed where he saw the best grass, at length the Landlord sent word unto his Tenant, that peremptorily if ever he took his horse in his ground again, he would cut off his tail. This word being brought unto the Tenant, he gave the messenger this short answer; My Landlord saith he, may do his pleasure, but tell him again from me, if he cut off his tail, I'll cut off his ears. The Landlord upon this menace sueth him, and binds him to the peace and good behaviour, but when the cause came to be decided, the Tenant pleaded that his Landlord had much mistaken him, for his answer reached no further than thus: That if his Landlord did cut off his horse's tail, he purposed to cut off his horses ears, and to make him crop-eared, as the other had made him curtailed.   

135. Of an old Beggar.  
AN old Beggar in Cornwall lived till he was above seven score years, whose name was Ball: And being asked by many, what course he took to continue his life to that length of years: He would still make answer, he loved a cup of good Ale, and that he used to drink continually, but of other Physic he never tasted any. The Beggar dying a witty gentleman of the Country made of him this Epitaph:  
Hear Ball the quondam Beggar lies,  
who counted by his Tale,  
Some seven score winter's and above,  
such virtue is in Ale.  
Ale was his meat, ale was his drink  
Ale did his life deceive,  
Ver could he still have drunk his ale,  
he yet had been alive.   

136. A rich man and a Scholar.  
A Rich Citizen, whose house was often frequented by Scholars, demanded of one of them what was the reason why Alderman's and great Merchants threesholds were so often trod upon by scholars; and on the contrary part, why scholars Chambers were so seldom frequented by wealthy Citizens. He made him this answer: Because scholars know what they want, but rich men do not. Another being asked how the learned differ from the unlearned, replied, In the same sort that horses which never felt the curb or bridle differ from those that have been carefully brought up and managed. Another demanded whether a beggar or a man illiterate or unlearned wanted most; It was answered, An ignorant man, because a beggar only wanteth money, but the other lacketh all things to a man belonging.   

137. A Lawyer and a Divine.  
A Grave Divine having a suit in Law, feed his Counsellor, who pleaded very eloquently in his behalf, and carried the cause clearly from the adversary: The Churchman coming after to give him thankes: The Lawyer somewhat proud of his success, spoke to him in this manner: Now Sir, what profit had you reaped by your Divinity, if my Rhetoric had not helped you out of the Briars, to whom he replied and said, This profit I have gotten by it, that I have brought before you an honest cause; And all the evidences alleged in my behalf, are most just and true.   

138. Of Swimming.  
AMongst other communication at the Table, there was discourse held concerning swimming, in which many excellent in that art were remembered: One of the company listening to their talk, Well my Masters saith he, you talk of swimmers, but for mine own part I can swim no more than a Goose.   

139. Of a she-seruant that came to take her oath.  
A Waiting Gentlewoman being summoned into a Court to take an Oath (for she was served in with a sub paena) The Examiner asked how he should write her down: A Maid, a Wife, or a Widow? she told him that he should write her down a Maid, for she never had had any husband. He finding her a pretty handsome smug wench, asked her how old she was; she told him about the age of six and twenty: six and twenty (saith he willing to sport with her:) then take heed saith he, what you swear, for you are now upon your oath, and therefore, may I securely set you down Maid, being of those years? The wench made a pause, and considering a while with herself: I pray you Sir saith she, stay your hand a little, and write me down young woman.   

140. Another Gentleman and a Parson.  
A Country man overtaking a Parson, saluteth him with a how now black Coat? Why black coat saith the Parson? I use to call all parsons so saith the other O Master Saunders, how do you sir, saith the Parson? Why Saunders, saith the other? I use to call all jacks so, saith the Parson.   

141. A Lawyer at the Bar.  
A Lawyer pleading earnestly in behalf of his client at the Bar, this case saith he is plain, and hath been warranted already by two great, and sufficient Lawyers; the one of them is (as we make no doubt) in heaven, the other (meaning one that was then made a judge) is at this time in an higher place.   

142. The Tenant to an Archbishop.  
A Simple man that was Tenant to an Archbishop, came to the Palace, to tender his rent, and by the Porter was directed to the Steward: to whom he came, and told him that he had brought his Lordship's worship some money for a certain Cottage in which he then dwelled. The Steward received it, but withal told him, that he must leave out Worship, & put in Grace. But before the small sum was told, the Archbishop came through the great Hall, and demanded of the Steward what the Poor man's business was? The Tenant prevented his answer, made two or three low legs, and began again with, if it please his Worship: but the Steward prompting him, told him he must say Grace. Must I, said the fellow, why then I will, and holding up his hands began, The eyes of all things, etc.   

133. Of a sign.  
A Gentleman passing through a fair Town, and spying at an Inn gate the sign of a blue Boar, but miserably, and most unskilfully drawn; rides into the middle of the yard, and calls aloud for some one to take money, down comes the Chamberlain, and asked his Worship what he had had? Had (saith he) nothing: but still importuned him to take money, for he is desirous to take view of the Monster to be seen. The fellow asked him what Monster? Marry, that strange Monster saith he, whose picture you have hung out to be seen. Why sir saith he, you mistake yourself, that is our Sign. Your Sign saith the Gentleman? then I prithee let it hang there still for a sign that the Painter was an ass, and thy Master a Coxcomb who bought it.   

144. Of a Translator.  
ONe that had translated many books and Volumes, at length publishing the history of Suetonius Tranquillus in English, a pleasant Gentleman writ this distich:  
Philemon with Translations doth so fill us,  
He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus.   

145. A Mariner in a storm.  
A Young Mariner being in a great storm at Sea, and in the night when every one had left their labours, and were at prayers, this fellow had nothing in his mouth, but oh that I could see but two Stars, or but one of the two: and of these words he made so often repetition, that disturbing the meditation of the rest; at length one asked him what two Stars, or what one he meant? To whom he replied, Oh that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman street I care not whether.   

146. A desperate Sailor.  
ANother desperate Sailor being in a ship that was accidently set on fire, & burning under them, when there was no hope of the life of any man of them, but to perish betwixt the two Elements of fire, and water, he standing upon the hatches, and is it so, saith he? Nay then some roasted, and some sod, and so desperately leapt into the sea.   

147. A short Cloak.  
A Gentleman spying one walk in a must pitiful short Cloak, saith to a friend that was then walking with him, Did you ever see a poor man wear his Cloak so short? Oh there is help for that replied the other, for I see by his countenance that he can find a way to wear it longer.   

148. Of Wine.  
ONe presented a Drunkard for his Newyeares' gift, with these few lines:  
Whilst in my Pot or Glass I keep my Wine,  
I boldly dare presume that they are mine:  
But when the Pot I by the Glass devour,  
Being drunk, the Master in the servant's power.  
I have not it, it hath me, all I have  
Is to be made a prisoner to my slave.  
What was my Vassal, now I Idol call,  
For I before it must both kneel and fall.   

149. A Welshman arraigned.  
A Welshman arraigned, and convicted, by the favour of the Bench, having his book granted him, when he was burnt in the hand, they bid him say God save the King. Nay saith he, God bless my father and my mother, for had not they brought me up to write and read, I might have been hanged for all the King.   

150. Of Card-playing.  
A Parson in the Country living among his Parishioners & neighbours well, would sometimes at his retired hours for his recreation, play at Cards amongst them, for which he was much envied of a Puritan justice, and the Official of the Diocese. These meeting on a market day amongst the chief men of the Country where the Parson was there present, his two adversaries began in the Ordinary openly to reprove him at the Table for profane Card-playing, not sitting his Calling. Who hearing them with some impatience, and the rest attending how he could acquit himself, he thus began: Right Worshipful, and the rest of my friend, I am here charged by Master justice, and Master Official to be a common Card-player: to which I answer, If all men would make that use of it that I do, it would seem as pardonable as I shall make it appear excusable in me: for mine own part, I never see an Ace, but I apprehend that unity which ought to be betwixt man and wife. If a Deuce, the love which should be betwixt Neighbours. If a Tra, if two of my Parishioners be at odds, how needful a thing it is for a third person to reconcile them, and make them friend; and so of the rest. Nor do I look upon a king, but presently I apprehend the allegiance due to my Prince, and Sovereign. Nor on a queen, but I remember her sacred Majesty, and the reverence belonging to her estate. Nor do I cast mine eye upon a Knave, but he puts me in mind either of you Master justice, or you Master Official, or of some other of my good friends. The justice and Official were answered; and the plain honest Parson for his jest sake, both applauded and excused.   

151. An Epitaph made upon an honest Cobbler.  
Here lies a Cobbler that dwelled in the Strand,  
Who though he was still on the mending hand:  
Yet by the force of wind and weather,  
His sole was rend from his upper leather.   

152. Of a Gentleman visiting of his friend.  
A Gentleman coming to give his sick friend a courteous visitation, found him extremely faint-hearted and wondrous timorous of death, insomuch that he grew much ashamed at his too much pusillanimity, especially in regard of the standers by: for he had nothing in his mouth but ah, woe is me, 〈…〉 no friend near which will 〈…〉 rid me from this pain and anguish which I now suffer? These words were iterated so often that the Gentleman drawing his sword with a menacing look said, yes sir, you have one friend yet left that for your sake will do it, and withal aimed the point directly against his breast. At which proffer the sick Gentlemen raising himself out of his bed, entreated him to stay his hand, for his desire was to be rid out of his pain, but not out of his life.   

153. Of a Captain that was to be arrested.  
ONe Captain Leonard Samson well known about this town, being indebted was way-layed by his Creditor, who had feed Sergeants to arrest him. These spying him in Cheapside, were stealing behind him thinking to clap him on the shoulders unawares, which a Gentleman a friend of his espying, cried out aloud unto him and said, The Philistines be upon thee Samson, at which words he suddenly lookign back, and espying the Catchpoles, drew his sword, and by that means escaped from the Arrest.   

154. Of two knaves accusing one another.  
TWo fellows of notorious and bad lives, came to complain at a public Assizes one of the other, and ripped up so many cheats, vile pranks and mischievous disorders, that both seemed exceeding bad, and hardly it was to be distinguished which was worse, upon whom the judge gave sentence, that the one should instantly departed the Realm, and that the other should as suddenly follow him, and see his sentence to be strictly executed.   

155. Of a Vintner's boy.  
TWo Divines passing through a Tavern and calling for no wine, the Vintner's boy seeing them, what saith he, two Preachers go through the Church and not offer to say their prayers.   

156. Of Augustus Caesar.  
IT is reported of Augustus Caesar demanded a reward of him alleging that by reason of his virtue and desert it was noised in the City he had received great gifts of him already: but he knowing him to be a man of words, without merit, returned him only this answer, Well friend saith he, whatsoever the city reports, I would wish thee not to believe it. A second, who had been a Captain of the Horse, and being cashiered from his Command petitioned unto the Emperor, that in regard he had left his place, yet it would please him to allow him an annual pension: which he did not desire for any profit or gain, but saith he, to salve my reputation, that the world may not report that I forfeited my place by any insufficiency or negligence: but rather out of my freewill made thereof a voluntary resignation. To whom the Emperor made this answer: well honest soldier, do not then spare to make report to thee a yearly pension, and if any one shall chance hereafter to question me about it, I will not deny but that thou hast one. A third (being a young Nobleman and called Herennius) having through his misgovernment and disorder been commanded to avoid the Camp, he earnestly besought the Emperor that he would not do unto him public disgrace. For Sir (saith he) if I be turned off with such disgraces I shall never dare to show my face; either unto my Father, or any of my Noble kinsmen in Rome: For what shall I say unto them? why saith Augustus Caesar, say unto them only this: that thou and I were at some difference, and in the deciding thereof, I lost thy countenance, and favour. A fourth in a skirmish being struck with a stone and wounded in the face, so that he was much disfigured, yet because he bore that visible mark in his forehead, he thereupon grew insolent, boasting of what great acts of Chivalry he had performed in the wars; which he not sparing to do in the sight of the Emperor, He thus derided his arrogance in these few words: Well Sir, (saith he) Take heed how you look back again the next time that you find an opportunity to run away from the battle. Another time, a Knight of Rome deceasing, who had the opinion to be a rich man, when the Executors came to examine his estate, it was found that he died, to the value of two hundred Crowns worse than nothing: and yet all his life time carried himself bravely and nobly: when this was reported to the Emperor, he sent to buy his quilt and mattress, which used to lie upon his bed (for all his goods were sold at an outcry) one of his Noblemen demanding the reason thereof, He answered, only for this cause, to sleep quietly in the night. For no question there was some great virtue in these coverings, otherwise he could never have rested to securely being indebted so much money. This was that Augustus who said, I found Rome made of Beech, but I hope to leave it built of Marble, etc.   

157. Of Diogenes.  
Diogenes' being taken Prisoner was brought into the Market place to be sold for a slave, who still as the Crier made proclamation, who will by a slave. He seconded him with a loud clamour, and asked what was he that would buy a Master. A rich chief made up only out of money bags had built a wondrous beautiful house, with this Inscription upon the great Gate (which was the common entrance) Let no evil thing enter here. Diogenes coming by and reading what was there inscribed, & knowing the man withal that built it, made inquiry of the neighbours, which ways the man went into his house. A man of evil condition, ask him whether he thought there were any gods or no? he answered, I must needs believe there are gods, because I confidently believe that thou art hated of them. Of a Prodigal whose estate he knew could not last long, he begged an an Alms, and asked no less than according to account comes to five pounds: The young Heir demanded of him what his reason was to crave so great a sum of money from him, when others had desired at once but an half penny: The reason is (answered he) because of others that spend sparingly, I am in hope to receive again, but of thee that art an unthrift, I am afraid I shall never beg hereafter. To a fellow that had before been foiled in wrestling and other exercises, and finding him now to practise Physic; He thus said, my friend, I do much commend thy policy, for taking a safe course, to destroy these by Physic, who have disgraced thee by wrestling. To one that asked him what he would have to take a sound blow on the pate; he answered, an Iron Head Piece. To a wanton woman fitting in a stately Horslitter, he said, truly another Cage would better become that load. And to another who demanded in what state it were best to marry a wife, he answered, that for a young man it was too soon, and for an old man too late, etc.   

145. Of a Country fellow and a Peere-tree.  
A Country-fellow at Bartholomew Fair, coming through the Charterhouse in the Evening, chanced to find a mellow peer, which some had scattered out of their pocket, and tasting it, looked up unto the great Elms growing there, imagining it had fallen from thence. So well he liked the taste of it, that he laid by his Cloak, and with a Crabtree Cudgel which he had then about him, he did so belabour the trees, that those which passed by wondered what he meant, and ask him the reason, he told them, he purposed only to fill his belly from these Peer trees, for he did not think there were the like in all his Country: They suffered him with some laughing till he had sufficiently tired himself, and then bid him get (like a fool as he was) to his own lodging.   

259. Stratford upon avon.  
ONe travelling through Stratford upon avon, a Town most remarkable for the birth of famous William Shakespeare, and walking in the Church to do his devotion, espied a thing there worthy observation, which was a tombstone laid more than three hundred years ago, on which was engraven an Epitaph to this purpose, I Thomas such a one, and Elizabeth my wife here under lie buried, and know Reader I. R. C. and I. Chrystoph. Q. are alive at this hour to witness it.   

160. An old Goose.  
HENRY the fourth King of France of late famous memory, being upon a long march where victuals at that time were very scarce, & he extremely a hungered, at length an honest Gentleman brought a leg of a Brood goose carbonadoed: at which the King long tugging, and not able to pull it asunder. Mort die (saith he) this is sure a limb of that Goose, that in Cumellus his time by her gambling saved the Roman Capitol.   

161. An honourable Thief.  
AN Earl in times passed in this kingdom, having made some prosperous voyages abroad, and returned with great prizes from the Spaniard: meeting with another young Earl, who by his father's death was newly come both to his Means, and Title: after some Noble gratulation, they fell in discourse of diverse Sea fights, and ships taken from the Enemy. At length, I wonder saith the soldier Earl, that your Lordship being of such remark in the Court, and Kingdom, doth not for your greater honour undertake in your own person some Noble enterprise at sea against the common enemy the Spaniard, as I, and others have done. To whom he gave this modest answer; My worthy Lord, I thank God, my Father was so careful, that he hath husbanded so my present Means, and fortunes, that I am able to live of mine own revenues at home, without any need to go thieving abroad. Why my Lord saith he, do you hold me to be a Thief? Oh yes, (with pardon my Lord) an honourable Thief.   

162. Of S P. Q. R.  
A jest touching these letters, S. P. Q. R. Senatus, Populusque Romanus. It so happened that a new Pope being elected merely for his devotion, and austerity of life; as using an extraordinary spare diet, and selseldome seen so much as to smile: Yet after his Inauguration coming to sit in Pontificalibus, he used to feed high, to laugh hearty, and to countenance jesters, and Buffoons to make him merry at his Table, which being observed, one sets up these four words, being correspondent to the four former letters: Sancte Pater quare rides? Holy Father, why do you laugh? To which the next day was under written, Rideo quia Papa sum, I laugh because I am Pope.   

163. An Oppressor.  
ONe told a great oppressor he might kill beggars by the law. The other asked him the reason? He answered, because he was before hand in their number, for he could not kill so many as he had made before.   

144. A writ Nose.  
THere was a man whose Nose leaned more towards one side then the other. One disposed to play the wag with him, sir saith he, I know what your nose is not made of, and I know what it is made of, First, I will assure you it is not made of wheat. What then saith the other? I will be judge by all the company if it be not made of Rye.   

165. Of usury.  
ONe bitterly railing against usury, and extortion, made the sin equal with wilful murder: but after upon some urgent necessity, coming to borrow money of one of his parishioners, desired to have it for three months gratis. Who answered him, truly sir, if to lend money upon use be in your opinion as great a sin as murder, to lend money gratis, in my conceit can be a sin no less than manslaughter.   

166. A Scholar and a Townsman.  
ONe measuring a Scholar and a Townsman, the question was, which was the higstest? The party having at that time in his hand a Pitchfork, thus answered; When I had first set them back to back, and after well considered them Brow to Brow, I found the Townsman to be higher than the Scholar by thus much pointing to the tines.   

167. Of an ignorant fellow.  
ONe of the great stone letters fell from the top of Northampton house, and beat out a scholar's brains. It happened not long after that an honest good fellow that could neither write nor read, (for such was the unhappiness of his bringing up) being in the company of three or four very ingenious Gentlemen, upon the sudden breaks out into a deep melancholy, and saith, Well, I thank God, I can neither write nor read. One of the rest smiling, replies, you speak strangely, for I thank God, and so may the rest that are here, that we can do both. All's one for that saith he, yet let myself, and many Captains, and other brave fellows about the Town (naming a great many) be still thankful that we can do neither. They asked his reason? He gave them this satisfaction, because saith he, we can walk the streets with that secutie that you book men cannot. They desired him to express himself, saith he, if one letter falling from the top of a great house had the power to knock out the brains of a scholar, what safety should we live in, to be troubled with four and twenty letters? Now thanked be heaven, saith he, for as we have nothing to do with letters, so I see no reason why letters can have any thing to do with us.   

168. Anola horse.  
A Horse being judged to be past his best days, one seeing what he was likely to come to, replied, that then he was near his dog days. It being further demanded how old he was? The answer was made, that for this years he might very lawfully set his foot unto a bond.   

169. Fire and Toe.  
ONe seeing a fellow warming his feet by a hot seacole fire; my friend saith he, what do you mean to put fire and Toe together.   

170. Borrowing of a Cloak.  
A Poor decayed Gentleman, having pound or sold his Cloak; came to another, to whom he was known, and desired, (knowing he was well furnished) to supply him with one, for two or three days whilst his own came from dressing, and then he would undoubtedly return it: the Gentleman answered him again: that he had not any spare Cloak, but such as belonged to one suit or another and to unsuite his  he was loath: yet upon his importunity, he was content, to lend him a thin stuff Cloak, that belonged to a Summer suit, and that upon promise, within two or three days, to restore it: but days, weeks, and months came, in which time he never heard of the Gentleman, but some half a year after, it was his chance to meet him, in the midst of December, in a cold misty morning, with the same cloak upon him, worn to the very threads, and scarce able to hang upon him; which the other seeing, stayeth him, and challengeth him, upon his breach of promise, and tells him withal, that in regard of the private cheat, he will do him a public disgrace: & take his own (howsoever worth nothing) wheresoever he finds it, and so offers to pluck it from off his shoulders. The other desires him to forbear, and tells him he may do more than he can answer. How saith he, have I not to do with mine own, what I please? In this case (answers he) you cannot. Give me your reason, saith the creditor. Then thus, saith he, when, I borrowed this cloak of you, I was a Protestant, but since am turned Roman Catholic, and coming to my confessor amongst others. I told him how ungratefully I had used you, concerning this poor garment, for which he enjoined me this penance, Hast thou said he, had the pleasure to wear this light Cloak all this warm Summer? then I command thee as a punishment, not to leave it off for the space of this cold, and frosty winter, and so slipped away from him.   

171. One begged for a fool.  
A Knight, held to be a very wiseman in his life, left behind him a son, and heir that was none of the best witted, to inherit his Land: who was begged for a fool, and summoned into the court of Wards for his answer: when question was made unto him, what he could say for himself, why his lands should not be taken from him, he said, It is reported, that my father was a wiseman, and begot a fool to inherit his estate after his death, who can tell, him that I a fool, may beget a wiseman to inherit after me his answer carried it, and he, and his remain in possession of the same revenues unto this day.   

172. A Traveller drowned.  
A Traveller reported to be drowned, a friend of his being in company, when the letters came, that brought the first news of his death: fetched a great sigh, with these words, God rest his soul, for he is gone the way of all flesh. Nay saith another than standing by, if he be drowned he is rather gone he way of all fish.   

173. A Knight of Italy.  
A Knight of Italy sitting down to a feast, and seeing two ancient neglected gentlemen standing by, (who had been great soldiers) whilst the young men disposed of themselves, at the table, he instantly rose from the table, and to the rest of the guests said, Most justly ought we to afford these Gentlemen places whereon to sit, for had they not been in such a great battle against the Turk, we had not at this time, had any thing whereof to eat.   

174. A Gentleman boasting of his wit.  
A Young Gentleman, being at an ordinary was boasting exceedingly of his travels, adding withal that he spent three years abroad in foreign Countries, and lived without any Exhibition from his parents, and friends; or any supply from his Country: But merely by his own natural wit, to whom another answered, truly sir, I think never any traveled at a more easy rate.   

175. A justice and a Baud.  
A Notorious Bawd being brought before a justice of Peace, for many lewd demenours, but especially for keeping a common brothel house, was examined of divers particulars, all which she obstinately denied, though there were proofs sufficient, apparently to convict her, which the justice hearing, Well, huswife saith he, you keep a common brothel house, & I will maintain it. Marry I thank your good worship saith she, for such a support I have great need of.   

176. Of a Citizen, and a Gardeners Boy.  
A Rich tradesman in the City, took a Summer house in the country, with a fair Garden land Orchard, amongst many other plants, one was commended unto him, which as yet had never borne any fruit, the Citizen gave the gardener a great charge, that when the time of the year came, he should be careful to save the Apples that came of it, in regard the graft was commended unto him by so especial a friend, the gardener did so, and sent them to London by a young lad his son, who presented them being 3 in number, to his Master & Mistress, they seeing them look so lovely, presently fell to eating them, he one & she another: the boy looking wishly upon them, and she observing it, I pray you husband give the one Apple to the boy, for he may long: which he did, the boy presently draws his knife to pair his Apple before he eats it, the Gentlewoman noting it; asked him why he did not eat it as they did with the skin on, marry quoth he, if please you, one of the three slipped out of my hand by the way into the dirt, and this may be it for aught that I know.   

177. An old Vicar.  
AN old Vicar in Lancashire, that read prayers in a Chapel of ease, having but one son, bred him in the university, whose name was john, who profited well, proved a graduate: and was made minister: who coming home in a vacation to see his father, was requested by the parishioners to bestow a Sunday Sermon on them, who willingly assented, and coming into the pulpit, and reading his text, I john saw the new jerusalem, his father hearing him, presently starts up, and said aloud, believe him not my good neighbours, for he is a young lying knave, he was never in jerusalem, no further than Cambridge in all his life, but one jogging him on the elbow, said, peace Master Vicar for shame, will you not give him leave to read his text? Oh was it his text saith he, nay then let him proceed a God's name.   

178. Two Debawsht fellows.  
TWo debawsht Fellows, proposing divers courses how to live; saith one, my purpose is to keep a Tobacco shop: How wilt thou come by Tobacco, and pipes, saith the other? why saith he, I will go upon the ticket. But saith he, how wilt thou do for a shop? Marry saith he, I have just so much money, as will serve for earnest; and I will take one by the quarter. How wilt thou do saith his friend, to pay the rent? he beginning to answer, that when the quarter day comes, the other preventing him, saying, then lay the Key under the door, no answered he again, I have bethought me of a fare better course, I will according to the old Proverb, put my pipes in my bag and so get me away.   

179. A lame Horse.  
Upon a Friday in Smithfield one willing to put off a lame Horse, and therefore not willing to have him rid; had tied him by the Bridle to the Rails, a chapman liking the Nag came somewhat near his price, because the seller warranted him sound of wind and limb, but before he would part with his money, desirous to see what metal he had, he rid him upon the Stones, and perceived the poor jade to halt down right, at which the Chapman vexing, ask the other if he was not ashamed, to put a lame unserviceable jade upon him, and warrant him sound. To whom the other answered, I assure you he is as sound, as any Horse in England, but that it was your fortune to try him when his foot was a sleep.   

180. A Woman, and her Husband.  
IN the time of auricular confession, a woman who not without cause, was jealous of her husband, came to the confessor to inquire of him, whether at any time he had revealed any such thing in his confession: and prevailed so fare with him, by vow of concealment, that he told her, that if within some few days, after his next coming to confession, he presented her with cloth to make her a new gown, as in the way of recompense for some injury before done her, she might apprehend some thing, but more than that she could not get from him. The woman well conceiving as it was, found as he had told her, that her good man presented her with a new gown, and after many fair, and flattering words, Sweet wife saith he, how dost thou like the cloth? she conceiving how the business went, marry so well my most dear and loving husband, that I vow ere many days go over my head to provide you a cloak out of the same piece.   

181. A Townsman and a Scholar.  
A Townsman in one of the Universities with his companions on one side of the way, a company of Scholars were on the other, both being within hearing at such a time, as a droue of Oxen was to pass betwixt them, when one of the Townsmen according to his wit thought to toss a jest among them, said, Those that come yonder seem to be scholars by their long tails. To whom the scholars replied, But they appear to be Townsmen by their high foreheads.   

182. Of five Vintners.  
Five Vintners riding into Kent, to be merry, upon horses hired or borrowed, in their return coming through Greenwich, they alighted at the Tavern next to the bridge, and there fell a healthing so long, till it grew towards night, one tumbling on a bed, another sit drowsy in a chair, only one stood stiffly to it, and told them plainly if they would not get up and take horse he would leave them there, be instantly gone, and commend them to their wives at London: but they all agreed to stay there that night, to set up their horses, and to take the benefit of the morning. With this answer away goes he. It being now grown dark, and he keeping the Londoners pace a tantivie: it happened that within a little of Debtford, a dead horse lay full in the way, just of the same colour of that on which he rid. His live horse stumbles at the dead, both are overthrown, but the four legs being nimbler than the two, gets up first, and away he plods onward his journey towards London. The Vintner much bruised with the fall riseth with difficulty, and curseth his lade, and gropes in the dark if it be possible to find him, and lights upon the dead one, kicks to rouse him up, but all in vain, he will not stir. The poor man in this perplexity is almost at his wit's end: but spying a Candle some Bows shoot before him, he makes towards it, and within a little space finds himself within Debtford, there he inquires for a Farrier or a Smith, they direct him to his house. But Vulcan had got a cup in his pate, and was gone to bed, he is earnest to have him rise: but the Smith will not by any means, unless he will give him a crown in hand, which is done. Up gets the Smith, calls his man to carry a Candle, and Lantern, he tells him all his misfortune by the way, and directs him to the place of his disaster, entreating him to use all the art he can in the recovery of his horse, being but hired. By this time they come to the sad spectacle, the smith lifts at his head, & his man at the tail; but finding no motion, give him over as lost. The Vintner looking sadly upon the business, fetcheth a great sigh, and saith, whilst I have been knocking up the smith, some body hath stolen away my bridle and saddle. Back to the Town goeth he with the Farrier and his man, resolving to sit up that night, and to comfort himself with a cup of good Ale, to which the Smith brings him, where I leave them potting together, and from thence look back to Greenwich. The morning comes, where my late drowsy Vintners are fresh, and stirring, and galloping through Debtford, are spied by their fift companion, who calls after them, they wonder to see him there, and asked if he had done their commendations to their Wives, he entreats them to leave off their jesting, and tells them all the former circumstances of his last night's misfortune: some laughed at him, others lament with him, according their several humours, and with this discourse he on foot, and they on horseback have left the Town a mile behind them, when one of them casting his eye of the one side, spies a horse bridled and saddled, browsing on the hedge, and saith withal, is not that the beast you rid on? He dares not acknowledge him. That is sure the same Saddle & Bridle saith another, or very like them, but he hath scarce faith to believe it. At length all of them agree, that both horse & furniture are the same, but he can hardly be won, being sure to pay for one, to hazard the danger of stealing another. But at length they prevail with him, up he mounts, the Stirrups fit him and delivering him at the stable from whence he hired him, is by the owner acknowledged for the same.   

183. Two striving for the Wall.  
TWo Gentlemen meeting, the one justled the other from the wall, and had almost made him to measure his length in the Kennel, who by much a do having recovered himself, came up close to him, and asked him whether he were in jest, or in earnest? He told him plainly, that what he did, was in earnest. And I am very glad you have told me so, for I protest I love no such jesting saith the other. By which words he put off the quarrel.   

184. The answer of a Doctor.  
A Worthy Doctor of Cambridge amongst many other charitable deeds done in his life time, at his own charge made a fair causey or high way some mile in length, to the great benefit of the Country; and being one day there in person to visit the labourers, and to see how the work went forward, it happened that a Nobleman riding that way by chance, and knowing him, gave him a kind salutation; but withal thinking to break a jest on him, Master Doctor saith he, for all your great charge and pains, yet I believe not saith he that this is the high way to Heaven. I am of your mind in that my Lord, replied the Doctor, for if it were, I should have wondered to have met your Lordship here.   

185. A Horse-courser.  
ONe coming into Smithfield on a Friday market, called to a Horse-courser aloud, and said, I prithee my friend, how go horses to day? To whom he answered, marry as you see, some amble, some trot, and some gallop.   

186. A Country fellow hunting with the King.  
KIng james being a hunting and very earnest in his sport, a Country fellow crossed it, in so much that the dogs were at a loss: At which the King being extremely angry, drew his Skein, and rides after the man, with all the speed he possibly can. Who perceiving the King to pursue him in his anger, cried out aloud, I beseech your Majesty to pardon me, for I have no desire to be knighted yet: and this he spoke so often, that he turned the King's rage into laughter, who bid him to ride fast enough, and fare enough and be hanged, for he better deserved a halter, then to be knighted.   

187. Women Writers.  
ONe ask a question why women either all, or the most part, when they learn to write, practise Roman hand, It was answered him again, that it stood with great reason, for he had never heard of any woman, that made good Secretary.   

188. A Country fellow at a Gentleman's Table.  
A Country fellow being admitted to a Gentleman's table, fell upon the Artichokes at lower end, and eating the burrs was almost choked, saith one that sat ne'er him, friend why are you busy with them so soon, being a dish reserved for the last, to whom he answered as well as he could speak, Marry I am of your mind, for I think they are the last dish that ever I shall taste of.   

189. Of curtaling names.  
A Gallant about this Town, that was admitted into the company of the prime, and choicest Gentlemen, used to curtail their names, and only to call them Robin, Will, jack, Dick, and Tom, and being asked why he was so familiar with men of that rank and quality, to give them no better attributes and titles, answered it is my humour, and I vow withal, that if the King should call me jacke, I would call him Charles by the grace of God.   

190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen.  
A Gentleman whose name was Apollo, being very low of stature, but richly conceited, coming into another's Chamber whose name was Master Towers, and finding him absent, who because he was a big man, and looking upright used an affected gate, finding paper, pen, and ink there, writ this hexameter,  Interris habitas sed non in turribus altis. 
The other coming in, and knowing the hand, sent him the same line with another underwritten.  Die quibus in terris, & eris mihi magnus Apollo.  

190. A Knight and his man.  
A Gentleman having a Servingman, who used still to ride with his head in his bosom, for which he had often checked him, but never made him reform it, upon a time riding to a Nobleman's house not far of about some urgent business, whilst the Master was busy with the Lord in his Chamber, the Gentlemen had got the man into the Cellar where they had given him as much drink as his skin would hold: in the Interim his Master having dispath this business, came suddenly and called his man to get his horse ready, which he did, in the way home the Master observing that contrary to his former custom he rid upright with his chin almost level to his nose, asked him the reason why now more than at other times he rid bolt upright; Marry Sir saith he, if you will needs know, it is to keep in my drink.   

191. A Doctor of Physic, and a Serving man.  
ONe thinking to put a trick upon an excellent D. of Physic, had mingled with the water in his Urinal the powder of a brick bat, which settled to the bottom shows like red gravel, that comes from the kidneys, he shows it to the Doctor, and tells him that it was his Master's water, who lay in grievous pain, desiring his Worship's counsel, what would give him some ease, the Dr. chafed it up and down, and tried it by the fire; In conclusion found out the fellow's knavery, and cunningly closing with him, my friend saith he, wouldst thou have my counsel to prevent this terrible disease which is growing on thy Mr? yes sir saith he, that was the cause of my coming to your Worship. Then tell him, replied the Doctor, all that I can prescribe him at this time, is that he eat no more Artichokes, and at that word, broke the Urinal upon his pate, and so left him.   

192. One that parted a Fray.  
ONe parting a Fray was cut into the skull, and coming to be dressed, as he was searching the wound, saith he, here is a dangerous Orifice, your pery-cranium is pierced, so that one may plainly see your brains beat, I do not believe that saith the patiented, for had I had any brains at all, I should never have been so mad, as to have come betwixt them to part the Fray.   

193. A bargain in Smithfield.  
A Pleasant fellow willing to put off a Lame Horse, rid him from the Sun Tavern within Cripplegate, to the Sun in Holborn, near to Fuller's Rents, and the next day offering him to sell him in Smithfield, the buyer ask him, why he looked so lean. Marry no marvel answered he, for but yesterday, I rid him from Sun to Sun, and never drew bridle.   

194. An Usurer dying.  
AN Usurer being dead, was opened, and found without a Heart, at which the standers by as well as the Surgeon wondered, but none could give a reason of the Prodigy, at length saith one of the Executors, it may be his heart now he is dead, is where it was when he was living, and looking in his Chest where his money lay: they found it there.   

195. A Doctor and a Scholar.  
A Doctor of the University being of more standing then learning, being at Dinner in the Hall, and hearing a fellow Commoner speak louder than the rest, calls to a junior Scholar that waited, and said go to that Gentleman from me, and tell him Vir sapit, qui pauca loquitur, which being delivered him, commend me saith he, to M. Doctor, and tell him that I say Vir loquitur, qui pauca sapit, which inversion lest it be justly aspersed on me, here I set my period.   
FINIS.