A Discourse, Between UPRIGHT the SHOEMAKER AND MASTER PATENT, the SMITH. Both meeting on the Horse Exchange in Smithfield, on the 20. day of April. 1639. Ne Suitor ultra Crepidam. By T. J. two men in conversation LONDON, Printed by B. ALIOP, and T. F. for Francis Groves dwelling on Snow-Hill meare the Saracens Head. 1640. UPRIGHT. AND PATENT. Patent Whether in such haste Mr. Upright; you look as if you did not know me. Upright. I do indeed Sir, yet I am persuaded I have seen you; and now I think on't, 'twas at the Session's house. Patent. Right Sir, my name is Patent; I indicted Mr. Chambergaine for receiving of Inmates: Upright. I perfectly remember you good Mr. Patent; how go s trading with you now, I am afraid we shall have a dead time on't, you have little to do I think; when Summer comes Patents grow out of date. Pat. You are in the right sir, and which is worss, the City had rather go wet shod then have them brought up again Up. Say you so, troth I cannot much blame them, for to say truth, you have not made them set viceable for the Common wealth, you have only a respect to your private gain Master Patent, you got sweetly for the time they lasted. Pat. By your savour Master Upright, now you talk of deceit in Trading, I must tell you your own too: did you never vent Calf's Leather for Neat, and oftentimes for Spanish to some ignorant Customers: nay now you tell me of unserviceable ware, how many of the King's Subjects have you put in the stocks without authority not vagranto and Beggars, but Gentlemen. Merchants, Citizens, with their wives and aughters. Upright. I understand your wit: you mean that I have made their shoes too little for them. Pat. Yes sir, Vp. They had better be in the Shoemaker's stacks, then be so gauled by Patents as they have been. Pat. I do not think but you have drankt your Morning's draught in Wormwood Beer Mr. Upright. Upright. Why? Pat. You fall so bitter upon me: Vp. I shall be bitterer ere we part Master Patent. Pat. Do thy worst Shoemaker. Upright. No no no, not the worst neither: The best I have to tell you will make you made enough, do you remember when you were Constable Master Patent, when you took me in your watch on Crispin and Crispianus Night, and carried me to the Counter. Pat. Ha' ha' ha', yes I do, I do. Vp. Do you laugh at it. Pat. Yes saith, I remember you went beyond your Last then. Upright: I remember thou were't the troublesom'st tyrannical Constable that ever knocked down iniquity with a painted staffer Thou wouldst have a finger in every man's business, thy very name was hateful, if they did but hear of Patent they were daunted, thou hast had a pernicious wit, or else thou couldst never overcome Scriveners and Brokers, they have cursed thee sufficiently, the low Country Butter-boxes wished ten hundred thousand funne of Devil take thee, because they were forced to weight for Butter till you brought the transporters to composition: And what had your Loggerhead to do with Mr. Logwood the Dyer; thou wilt undertake to teach people to die well, and thyself couldst never live well. Patent. Very good. Vp. Not very had sir, 'tis you I am talking off, do you hear Patent, the Spanish Merchant Don tobacco vows a revenge upon thee, and I much fear he will take thy life: for he says he will send his two Factors, Verinus and Mandungus to stifle thee. Patent. The devil he will, they are from him already man he hath put them to board in blind Alehouses. Upright. No matter, there's more ways to kill a Dog then hanging of him. Patent. A Dog you Dunstable. Upright. Yes you payer Kite, and now I talk of hanging, there could not be so much as the hangman's office to sell but Tyburn, and the rest of his kindred must allow you a pension for it. Patent. So, so, so, can Saint Hugh and his bones protect you to talk thus liberally Shoemaker. Upright. Oh yes, yes, yes, thou giv'st me authority, I know I may talk freely by patent my friend: Patent. It was Master Patent. Upright. I that was when you traded in shéepskins and Lambskins oh thou were't a precious Wolf in Lambskinne. Patent. You will answer all this, will you not. Upright. No, I scorn it, I believe I have spoke more than thou canst answer. Patent. But hark ye goodman Shoemaker. Upright. Goodman Shoemaker, I deny and defy the title. I am a Gentleman, my gentility is of Antiquity, thou art an Upstart; Shoes were made when thy villainous Pattenis were not thought on. Pat. Well I may chance shortly brew a little Worm wood for you. Vp. Brew say you, you have brewed for us already I thank you, all the Gentlemen cordwainers in St. Martin's do wish but to have the browning of thee for abusing the Brewers: which hath made them abuse us and send us enchanted small Beer in stead of strong, before you had a hand in the Brewhouse we could have old English beer would makes all mad before Monday noon, now 'tis so small we can scarce get drunk by Tuesday Night, a whole ton of our beer will scarce for a Dutchman: this you have done good Master Patent. Pat. Shall I be blamed for this, I think I did the Common wealth a great deal of good to keep it sober. Vp. I thou art a necessary member for in keeping of them from being drunk, thou makest them mad, as I run a Shoemaker and free of the Cordwainers, every prentice, I had came home sober last Shrove-tuesday night: It was not so I am sure when I was a Lad: Pat. Hay, hay? Vp. Yes and straw to, you put me well in mind on't, the horses that had been well bred and pampered in the Country, and had their allowance of hay freely, and lay at rack and manger, eat what they would; now they are srinted: how many pound of hay is there in a Load Mr. Patent. Pat. I cannot tell? Up. We must buy hay for our horses as we buy sigs by the pound do you believe when you weighed Hay that justice held the States. Pat. I see you will have Licence? Vp. Not from you jack straw, unless you were in office again: Pat. jacke straw? Vp. I prithee answer me to one question and he just with me to a straw's breadth? Pat. Declare your wit? Up. How many ounces of straw goes to the littering of a Mad man a year in Bedlam. Pat. 'Tis a mad question? Up. I that's true, I know who I speak to. Patent. Why do you count me for a Madman. Vp. No for a wise man: and a man that hath had experience i'th' mystery, this is no question for a Madman to answer: Pat. It seems your conversation is altogether with wise acres: was it not you that asked the silly question once; whether Red-herrings came out of the red Sea or no. Vp. No but it was you that made men pay as dear for them, as if they came from thence, I wonder you had nothing to do with dainty bloat herring, bloat, bloat, or dried Sprats; I believe you had something to do with Gudgeons, though thyself art as miserable now as poor john was▪ is it not you that one Lent indicted a poor man of Felony for frying of Bacon. Patent. Of Felony? Upright. Yes of Felony, and you would needs justify it with an Act of Parliament, which when one looked on it which had better eyes, it was not frying of Bacon, but fleering a Beacon. Patent. Ha' ha' ha'. Upright. Dost thou laugh at thy own ignorance, do you hear Patent, did I never know you a Dunghill Raker. Pat. I a Dunghill raker, ye Pantoffle. Vp. I cry you mercy Sir, you did only rake them that raked Dunghills, look too't, for there is an army coming against thee, whose weapons are strong iron hooks; the Captain of them is Tattardemalion Tagragg: those that be under his command I shall nominate to thee. Britch bottom out, Ralph Parch and stitch, Will work and fast, Hadge Leather Scrap, Sam Scrape and take, Daniel Dunghill Worke. And a great many more out of my memory at this time that have made up a ragged Regiment and vow no more to be obedient to thy authority Moreover the Hop Merchants have an intent. on to marry all the female Bonelace makers, and get Children to fortify themselves against thee they say if thou dost but come amongst their hops again, they will scarce leave thee a leg to hop away upon, and the Bonelace makers have taken such spirit against thee, that in stead of Bonelace thou shalt return with laced bones, and take my word Patent, thou hadst better be in the middle of English pikes, then amongst their Spanish needles. Pat. Do you hold any confedrase with this lawless faction Mr. Upright that you can so well tell the manner of the revenges they will execute upon me. Vp. I promise thee I do not think but they will burn thee when all comes to all, and ther●s an end of Patent. Pat. It must be some of your female Bonelace makers then, I care not a button for the rest of the Rebellions. Up. Don't you care a button? Master Pannier in Hoop Ally will make you care a button, why thou jack in a box, couldst not thou be content to gain Authority omongst the Buttonmakers of Amsterdam, where the sisterhood might have paid thee tribute; besides Buttons for thy breeches. Pat. Yes when their breeches make buttons, have I lived after that rate to go secured among Precisians you vagrants. Vp. Among Precisians you puppy, what need you confine yourself to one Sect when there is so much division amongst them. Pat. That's all one, they hold the greatest sway who care no more for knocking a man's brains out in zeal, or for the good of the common cause: then I for philiping a fly to death, I would not be within the jurisdiction of new England for a million. Vp. Nay I think thou hadst better be in the great Maguls Country: Pat. Or have been Page to Sir John Mandevill, I should hope to return with more security. Vp. Well, but now we have been in Amsterdam, New England, and Mogul; let us return to old England again, where there is many honest men will welcome you home, one Mr. Cipres. Pat. Oh the Hathand maker. Up. Then there's another one Mr Kitling. Pat. A fiddle string maker? Vp. Master Clay: Pat. A Tobackopipe maker? Vp. Master Glass Eyes. Pat. A Spectacle maker? up. Master Curry: Pat. A Combmaker? Vp. Do you hear Patent cannot you dance all trades, how many Halls have you been free of: Pat. What's that to thee? V That is a question all men ask when they are ashamed to give an answer. Pat. Ashamed? up. Did I say thou wert ashamed: Pat. 'Twas your pleasure? up. Give me thy hand I am sorry for it, I cry thee mercy I took my marks amiss: I'll give thee thy due for that efaith I think thou wert ever shameless, have I hit the Nail on the head now Smith, are you pleased: Pat. You have spoken all? up. Not all, but I am drawing to an end? Pat. Would thou hadst spoke thy last once? up. I shall vex thy soul first Sirrah, unless thou canst come off with good Language, thou wilt suffer many Deaths in one, the Hatband maker will choke thee or strangle thee with Cypress, the Gut string maker will make strings of thy Guts which will cousin the Fiddlers most abominably, for they will never stand in Tune, the Tobackopipe makers, Spectacle makers, and Comb makers, will compound with the Dicemakers for thy bones to make false Dice with, and that's a way to make thee as mischievous in thy Death as thou were't in thy life-time, and if thy Bones prove so deceitful, we may very well turn the t'other end of an old Proverb, what was bred in thy flesh will never out of thy bones. Pat. I have heard you, and doubt not the worst their malice aims to inflict upon me, I have ere this my tragedy he brought to pass, contrived a means to work revenge on them. Vp. Declare, I shall be glad to hear it, I always had an itching desire to mischief as well as thou: Pat. Thus then, I will bring up a fashion amongst some of our temporizing gallants to forsake the wearing of hatbonds, we will have all our fiddle strings from Rome and Venice, and as I am a Smith. I have a conceit to make iron tobacco pipes and steel Combs, and our old men when they once grow dim sighted, shall have their writings read to them. Vp. I this is pretty well, but not in your power to perfect, this is a harder project upon them, than the first you had, it will be a hard matter to draw the humours of the whole Kingdom to these fashions: besides your iron work will do no good, for we have many phantaslike Company keepers that only take Tobacco to break the pipes, and shall we be beholding to other Nations for fiddle strings or comb our heads with Horse Combs. Besides there's a strange conceit indeed that all old men should have their writings read to them, 'tis enough to undo half the old men in the Kingdom, their Mistresses shall not send to them letters of commendation, or places of new 〈…〉 mieting, but they must be enforced to have their wives to read them, and what inconveniency that would bring, do but judge: No no, this will not do Mr. Patent, I am a little in haste, I think it be dinner time, I will only give you one item more and then i'll leave you to your own direction, were you never acquainted with one Mr. Fortune. Pat. Yes, yes, a Horner. Vp. Aware horns, take heed of him are you marid. Pat. What of that? Vp. Take heed of him, that is all; I speak as a Friend. Patent. Friendly council. Upright. It is so, then do not you know Mr. Kill Cow. Pat. Yes the Butcher. Vp. The very same, he hath a great many friends abroad, so hath Ball his Dog, be sure you go not through field lane, Newgate market, Butcher row, St. Nicholas shambles, East Cheap, or Southwark, there is wait laid for thee in all these places, and if they meet thee thou wilt be stuck fuller of Skuers then a Sirloin of roast beef at Christmas is stuck with Rosemary: And by all means come not near the Bear garden for wares and Dogs are friends and all agree, on thee to act a bloody Tragedy. Pat. Well sirrah, you are a vailing fellow, I'll talk no more to you? Vp. One cold word more good Master Patent. Pat. But sirrah why doth these things trouble you so much? Up. I tell thee my name is upright, my nature is like unto my name, and I defy such juggling in a Commonwealth, it makes my honest countrymen beg, in a land of plenty; I have something to say to you (now I consider Christmas is so near) concerning Cards, what new game have you set a foot, that the knave of Diamonds doth cousin the king of Hearts and all his Subjects to the very Ace, ye are a sure Card sirrah, when Patent deals, all the rest do but hold Cards. Pat. Why not, why I tell thee I will cousin my Father at Cards. Vp. Prithee do not swear isle belée ve thee, the Father quoth he, I the Father of thy Country— you are going now, you do not love to hear of your faults, I have only one thing more to say to thee, & then fire or the jakes consume thee. Pat. I thank you sir, spit out your spleen, what is your next venom? Vp. No venom upon my credit, now I have laid open thy soul inside, I will give thee a purge that is with Soap: Pat. With Soap? Vp. With Soap, I with Soap, that was a purge dear enough as you ordered it, all the good Huswives in London, and those that take a pride in clean linen, have an intention to wash thee clear from all thy former villainies; but I am a afraid they will do no good upon thee, they will be enforced at last to hang thee up for the sign of the Labour in vain, which is the end I bequeath thee too, and though I am no Barber good Mr. Patent, I must leave you i'th' suds at this time, for I have talked myself weary, my shop journeymen and prentices expect me, if you have any thing to say to me, you know St. martin's, I will not change my house now the world is in hope of reformation. So good even sweet Master Patent. Pat. Farewell sir? And though these things I can no longer thrive by, Hang him that wants, who hath all Trades to live by. And so Master Patten, Pray learn this martin, The seat which you sat in, In your furs and your satin Must now be forsaken, Your knavery is taken, And tooth Devil removed. Your dearly beloved. FINIS.