BARTHOLMEW FAIR: A comedy, ACTED IN THE year, 1614. By the Lady Elizabeth's SERVANTS. And then dedicated to King JAMES, of most Blessed Memory;  
By the Author, Benjamin JOHNSON.  
Si foret in terris, rideret Democritus: nam  
Spectaret populum ludis attentiùs ipsis,  
Vt sibi praebentem, mimo spectacula plura.  
Scriptores autem narrare putaret assello  
Fabellam surdo.  Hor. lib. 2. Epist. 1. 
LONDON, Printed by I. B. for ROBERT ALLOT, and are to be sold at the sign of the Bear, in Paul's Churchyard. 1631.   

THE prologue TO THE king's majesty.  
YOur Majesty is welcome to a Fair;  
Such place, such men, such language & such ware,  
You must expect: with these, the zealous noise  
Of your lands Faction, scandalised at toys,  
As Babies, Hobby-horses, Puppet-plays,  
And such like rage, whereof the petulant ways  
yourself have known, and have been vexed with long.  
These for your sport, without particular wrong,  
Or just complaint of any private man,  
(Who of himself, or shall think well or can)  
The Maker doth present: and hopes, tonight  
To give you for a Fairing, true delight.   

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY.  

John LITTLE WIT. A Proctor.  
WIN Littlewit. His wife.  
DAME PURECRAFT. Her mother and a widow.  
ZEAL-OF-THE-LAND busy. Her Suitor, a Banbury man.  
WIN-WIFE. His Rival, a Gentleman.  
Quarlous. His companion, a Gamester.  
BARTHOLMEW COKES. An Esquire of Harrow.  
HUMPHREY WASPE. His man.  
ADAM OVERDO. A justice of Peace.  
DAME OVERDOO. His wife.  
GRACE WELBORNE. His Ward.  
LANT. LEATHERHEAD. A Hobby-horse seller.  
Joan TRASH. A Gingerbread woman.  
EZECHIEL EDGWORTH. A Cutpurse.  
NIGHTINGALE. A Ballad-singer.  
Ursla. A pig-woman.  
MOON-CALFE. Her Tapster.  
JORDAN knock-hum. A Horse-courser, and ranger o' Turnbull.  
VAL. CUTTING. A Roarer.  
captain WHIT. A Bawd.  
Punque ALICE. Mistress o'the Game.  
trouble-all. A Madman.  
WATCHMEN, three.  
COSTARD-monger.  
mousetrap-man.  
CLOTHIER.  
WRESTLER.  
PORTERS.  
doorkeepers.  
PUPPETS.    

THE INDUCTION. ON THE STAGE.  STAGE-KEEPER. 
GEntlemen, have a little patience, they are e'en upon coming, instantly. He that should begin the Play, Master Littlewit, the Proctor, has a stitch new fall'n in his black silk stocking; 'twill be drawn up ere you can tell twenty. He plays one o'the Arches, that dwells about the Hospital, and he has a very pretty part. But for the whole Play, will you ha'the truth on't? (I am looking, lest the Poet hear me, or his man, Master Broome, behind the Arras) it is like to be a very conceited scurvy one, in plain English. When't comes to the Fair, once: you were e'en as good go to Virginia, for any thing there is of Smithfield. He has not hit the humours, he does not know 'em; he has not conversed with the Bartholmew-birds, as they say; he has ne'er a Sword, and Buckler man in his Fair, nor a little Davy, to take toll o'the Bawds there, as in my time, nor a Kind-heart, if anybody's teeth should chance to ache in his Play. Nor a juggler with a well-educated Ape to come over the chain, for the King of England, and back again for the Prince, and sit still on his arse for the Pope, and the King of Spain! None o'these fine sights! Nor has he the Canvas-cut ''the night, for a Hobby-horse-man to creep into his she-neighbour, and take his leap, there! Nothing! No, and some writer (that I know) had had but the penning o' this matter, he would ha' made you such a Jig-a-jog i'the booths, you should ha' thought an earthquake had been i'the Fair! But these Master-Poets, they will ha' their own absurd courses; they will be informed of nothing! He has (sirreverence) kicked me three, or four times about the Tiring-house, I thank him, for but offering to put in, with my experience. I'll be judged by you, Gentlemen, now, but for one conceit of mine! would not a fine Pump upon the Stage ha' done well, for a property now? and a punk set under upon her head, with her Stern upward, and ha' been soused by my witty young masters o'the Inns o' Court? what think you of'is for a show, now? he will not hear of'is! I am an Ass! I! and yet I kept the Stage in Master Tarlton's time, I thank my stars. Ho! and that man had lived to have played in Bartholmew Fair, you should ha' seen him ha' come in, and ha' been cozened i'the cloth-quarter, so finely! And adam's, the Rogue, ha' leapt and capered upon him, and ha' dealt his vermin about, as though they had cost him nothing. And then a substantial watch to ha' stolen in upon 'em, and taken 'em away, with mistaking words, as the fashion is, in the Stage-practice.  Book-holder: Scrivener. To him. Book. 
How now? what rare discourse are you fall'n upon? ha? ha' you found any familiars here, that you are so free? what's the business?  Sta. 
Nothing, but the understanding Gentlemen on the ground here, asked my judgement.  Book. 
Your judgement, Rascal? for what? sweeping the Stage? or gathering up the broken Apples for the bears within? Away Rogue, it's come to a fine degree in these spectacles when such a youth as you pretend to a judgement. And yet he may, i'the most of'is matter i'faith: For the Author hath writ it just to his Meridian, and the Scale of the grounded judgements here, his playfellows in wit. Gentlemen; not for want of a Prologue, but by way of a new one, I am sent out to you here, with a Scrivener, and certain Articles drawn out in haste between our Author, and you; which if you please to hear, and as they appear reasonable, to approve of; the Play will follow presently. Read, Scribe, gi'me the counterpane.  Scr. 
ARTICLES of Agreement, indented, between the Spectators or Hearers, at the Hope on the Bankside, in the County of Surrey on the one party; And the Author of Bartholmew Fair in the said place, and County on the other party: the one and thirtieth day of Octob 1614. and in the twelfth year of the Reign of our sovereign Lord, JAMES by the grace of God King of England, France, & Ireland, Defender of the faith. And of Scotland the seven and fortieth.  
INPRIMIS, It is covenanted and agreed, by and between the parties abovesaid, and the said Spectators, and Hearers, as well the curious and envious, as the favouring and judicious, as also the grounded judgements and understandings, do for themselves severally Covenant, and agree to remain in the places, their money or friends have put them in, with patience, for the space of two hours and an half, and somewhat more. In which time the Author promiseth to present them by us, with a new sufficient Play called BARTHOLMEW FAIR, merry, and as full of noise, as sport: made to delight all, and to offend none. Provided they have either, the wit or the honesty to think well of themselves.  
It is further agreed that every person here, have his or their freewill of censure, to like or dislike at their own charge, the Author having now departed with his right: It shall be lawful for any man to judge his six pen'orth his twelve pen'orth, so to his eighteen pence, 2. shillings, half a crown, to the value of his place: Provided always his place get not above his wit. And if he pay for half a dozen, he may censure for all them too, so that he will undertake that they shall be silent. He shall put in for Censures here, as they do for lots at the lottery: marry if he drop but six pence at the door, and will censure a crown's worth, it is thought there is no conscience, or justice in that.  
It is also agreed, that every man here, exercise his own judgement, and not censure by Contagion, or upon trust, from another's voice, or face, that sits by him, be he never so first, in the Commission of Wit: As also, that he be fixed and settled in his censure, that what he approves, or not approves today, he will do the same tomorrow, and if tomorrow, the next day, and so the next week (if need be:) and not to be brought about by any that sits on the Bench with him, though they indite, and arraign Plays daily. He that will swear, jeronimo, or Andronicus are the best plays, yet, shall pass unexcepted at, here, as a man whose judgement shows it is constant, and hath stood still, these five and twenty, or thirty years. Though it be an Ignorance, it is a virtuous and stayed ignorance; and next to truth, a confirmed error does well; such a one the Author knows where to find him.  
It is further covenanted, concluded and agreed, that how great soever the expectation be, no person here, is to expect more than he knows, or better ware than a Fair will afford: neither to look back to the sword and buckler-age of Smithfield, but content himself with the present. In stead of a little Davy; to take toll o'the Bawds, the Author doth promise a strutting Horse-courser, with a leer-drunkard, two or three to attend him, in as good Equipage as you would wish. And then for Kind-heart, the Tooth-drawer, a fine oily Pig-woman with her Tapster, to bid you welcome, and a consort of Roarers for music. A wise justice of Peace meditant, in stead of a juggler, with an Ape. A civil Cutpurse searchant. A sweet Singer of new Ballads allurant: and as fresh an Hypocrite, as ever was broached rampant. If there be never a Servant-monster i'the Fair; who can help it? he says; nor a nest of Antiques? He is loath to make Nature afraid in his Plays, like those that beget Tales, Tempests, and such like Drolleries, to mix his head with other men's heels; let the concupiscence of jigs and Dances, reign as strong as it will amongst you: yet if the Puppets will please anybody, they shall be entreated to come in.  
In consideration of which, it is finally agreed, by the foresaid hearers, and spectators, that they neither in themselves conceal, nor suffer by them to be concealed any State-decipherer, or politic Picklock of the Scene, so solemnly ridiculous, as to search out, who was meant by the gingerbread-woman, who by the Hobby-horse-man, who by the Costard-monger, nay, who by their Wares. Or that will pretend to affirm (on his own inspired ignorance) what Mirror of Magistrates is meant by the justice, what great Lady by the pig-woman, what concealed Statesman, by the Seller of Mousetraps, and so of the rest. But that such person, or persons so found, be left discovered to the mercy of the Author, as a forfeiture to the Stage, and your laughter, aforesaid. As also, such as shall so desperately, or ambitiously, play the fool by his place aforesaid, to challenge the Author of scurrility, because the language somewhere savours of Smithfield, the Booth, and the pig-broth, or of profaneness, because a Madman cries, God quit you, or bless you. In witness whereof, as you have preposterously put to your Seals already (which is your money) you will now add the other part of suffrage, your hands, The Play shall presently begin. And though the Fair be not kept in the same Region, that some here, perhaps, would have it, yet think that therein the Author hath observed a special Decorum, the place being as dirty as Smithfield, and as stinking every whit.  
Howsoever, he prays you to believe, his Ware is still the same, else you will make him justly suspect that he that is so loath to look on a Baby, or an Hobby-horse, here, would be glad to take up a Commodity of them, at any laughter, or loss, in another place.   

BARTHOLMEW FAIR.  

ACT. I. SCENE. I.  LITTLE-WIT. To him WIN. 
A Pretty conceit, and worth the finding! I ha' such luck to spin out these fine things still, and like a Silkworm, out of myself. Her's Master Bartholomew Cokes, of Harrow o'th' hill, i'th' County of Middlesex, Esquire, takes forth his Licence, to marry Mistress Grace well-born of the said place and County: and when does he take it forth? today! the four and twentieth of August! Bartholmew day! Bartholmew upon Bartholmew! there's the device! who would have marked such a leapfrog chance now? A very less than Ames-ace, on two Dice! well, go thy ways john Littlewit, Proctor john Littlewit: One o' the pretty wits o' Paul's, the Little wit of London (so thou art called) and some thing beside. When a quirk, or a quibbling does scape thee, and thou dost not watch, and apprehend it, and bring it afore the Constable of conceit: (there now, I speak quib too) let 'em carry thee out o' the archdeacon's Court, into his Kitchen, and make a jack of thee, in stead of a john. (There I am again la!) Win, Good morrow, Win. I marry Win! Now you look finely indeed, Win! this Cap does convince! you'd not ha' worn it, Win, nor ha' had it velvet, but a rough country Beaver, with a copper-band, like the coney-skin woman of Budgerow? Sweet Win, let me kiss it! And. her fine high shoes, like the Spanish Lady! Good Win, go a little I would fain see thee pace, pretty Win! By this fine Cap, I could never leave kissing on't.  WIN. 
Come, indeed la, you are such a fool, still!  LITT. 
No, but half a one, Win, you are the other half: man and wife make one fool, Win. (Good!) Is there the Proctor, or Doctor indeed, i'the Diocese, that ever had the fortune to win him such a Win! (There I am again!) I do feel conceits coming upon me, more than I am able to turn tongue too. A pox oh these pretenders, to wit! your Three Cranes, Mitre, and Mermaid men! Not a corn of true salt, nor a grain of right mustard amongst them all. They may stand for places or so, again the next Wit fall, and pay two pence in a quart more for their Canary, then other men. But gi' me the man, can start up a justice of Wit out of six-shillings bear, and give the law to all the Poets, and Poet-suckers i' Town, because they are the player's Gossips? 'Slid, other men have wives as fine as the Players, and as well dressed. Come hither, Win.   

ACT. I. SCENE. IJ.  WIN-WIFE. LITTLEWIT. WIN. 
WHy, how now Master Littlewit! measuring of lips? or moulding of kisses? which is it?  LITT. 
Troth I am a little taken with my Wins dressing here! Dost not fine Master Win-wife? How do you apprehend, Sir? she would not ha' worn this habit. I challenge all Cheapside, to show such another: morefield's, Pimlico path, or the Exchange, in a summer evening, with a Lace to boot as this has. Dear Win, let Master Win-wife kiss you. He comes a-wooing to our mother Win, and may be our father perhaps, Win. There's no harm in him, Win.  WIN-W. 
None i'the earth, Master Littlewit.  LITT. 
I envy no man, my delicates, Sir.  WIN-W. 
Alas, you ha' the garden where they grow still! A wife here with a strawberry-breath, Cherry-lips, apricot-cheeks, and a soft velvet head, like a Melicotion.  LITT. 
Good i'faith! now dulness upon me, that I had not that before him, that I should not light on't, as well as he! Velvet head!  WIN-W. 
But my taste, Master Littlewit, tends to fruit of a later kind: the sober Matron, your wife's mother.  LITT. 
I! we know you are a Suitor, Sir. Win, and I both, wish you well: by this Licence here, would you had her, that your two names were as fast in it, as here are a couple. Win would fain have a fine young father i' law, with a feather: that her mother might hood it, and chain it, with Mistress Overdoo. But, you do not take the right course, Master Win-wife.  WIN-W. 
No? Master Littlewit, why?  LIT. 
You are not mad enough.  WIN-W. 
How? Is madness a right course?  LIT. 
I say nothing, but I wink upon Win. You have a friend, one (Master Quarlous) comes here some times?  WIN-W. 
Why? he makes no love to her, does he?  LIT. 
Not a tokenworth that ever I saw, I assure you, But—  WIN-W. 
What?  LIT. 
He is the more Madcap o'the two. You do not apprehend me.  WIN. 
You have a hot coal i'your mouth, now, you cannot hold.  LIT. 
Let me out with it, dear Win.  WIN. 
I'll tell him myself.  LIT. 
Do, and take all the thanks, and much do good thy pretty heart, Win.  WIN. 
Sir, my mother has had her nativity-water cast lately by the Cunning men in Cowslane, and they ha' told her her fortune, and do ensure her, she shall never have happy hour; unless she marry within this seven-night, and when it is, it must be a Madman, they say.  LIT. 
ay, but it must be a Gentleman Madman.  WIN. 
Yes, so the other man of morefield's says.  WIN-W. 
But does she believe 'em?  LIT. 
Yes, and has been at Bedlam twice since, every day, to inquire if any Gentleman be there, or to come there, mad!  WIN-W. 
Why, this is a confederacy, a mere piece of practice upon her, by these Impostors?  LIT. 
I tell her so; or else say I, that they mean some young. Madcap-Gentleman (for the devil can equivocate, as well as a Shopkeeper) and therefore would I advise you, to be a little madder, than Master Quarlous, hereafter.  WIN. 
Where is she? stirring yet?  LIT. 
Stirring! Yes, and studying an old Elder, come from Banbury, a Suitor that puts in here at meal-tide, to praise the painful brethren, or pray that the sweet singers may be restored; Says a grace as long as his breath lasts him! Some time the spirit is so strong with him, it gets quite out of him, and then my mother, or Win, are fain to fetch it again with malmsey, or Aqua coelestis.  WIN. 
Yes indeed, we have such a tedious life with him for his diet, and his clothes too, he breaks his buttons, and cracks seams at every saying he sobs out.  IOH. 
He cannot abide my Vocation, he says.  WIN. 
No, he told my mother, a Proctor was a claw of the Beast, and that she had little less than committed abomination in marrying me so as she has done.  IOH. 
Every line (he says) that a Proctor writes, when it comes to be read in the bishop's Court, is a long black hair, combed out of the tail of Antichrist.  WIN-W. 
When came this Proselyte?  IOH. 
Some three days since.   

ACT. I. SCENE. IV.  QVARLOUS, JOHN, WIN, WIN-WIFE. 
O Sir, ha' you ta'en soil, here? it's well, a man may reach you, after 3. hours' running, yet! what an unmerciful companion art thou, to quit thy lodging, at such ungentle manly hours? None but a scattered covey of Fiddlers, or one of these Rag-rakers in dunghills, or some Marrowbone man at most, would have been up, when thou wert gone abroad, by all description. I pray thee what ailest thou, thou canst not sleep? hast thou Thorns i'thy eyelids, or Thistles i'thy bed.  WIN-W. 
I cannot tell: It seems you had neither i'your feet; that took this pain to find me.  QVAR. 
No, and I had, all the Lime-hounds o'the City should have drawn after you, by the scent rather, Mr john Littlewit! God save you, Sir. 'Twas a hot night with some of us, last night, john: shall we pluck a hair o'the same Wolf, today, Proctor john?  IOH. 
Do you remember Master Quarlous, what we discoursed on, last night?  QVAR. 
Not I, john: nothing that I either discourse or do, at those times I forfeit all to forgetfulness.  IOH. 
No? not concerning Win, look you: there she is, and dressed as I told you she should be: hark you Sir, had you forgot?  QVAR. 
By this head, I'll beware how I keep you company, john, when I drunk, and you have this dangerous memory! that's certain.  IOH. 
Why Sir?  QVAR. 
Why? we were all a little stained last night, sprinkled with a cup or two, and I agreed with Proctor john here, to come and do somewhat with Win (I know not what 'twas) today; and he puts me in mind on't, now; he says he was coming to fetch me: before Truth, if you have that fearful quality, john, to remember, when you are sober, john, what you promise drunk, john; I shall take heed of you, john. For this once, I am content to wink at you, where's your wife? come hither Win. (He kisseth her.  WIN. 
Why, john! do you see this, john? look you! help me, john.  IOH. 
O Win, fie, what do you mean, Win! Be womanly, Win; make an outcry to your mother, Win? Master Quarlous is an honest Gentleman, and our worshipful good friend, Win: and he is Master Win-wife's friends, too: And Master Win-wife comes a Suitor to your mother Win; as I told you before, Win, and may perhaps, be our Father, Win, they'll do you no harm, Win, they are both our worshipful good friends. Master Quarlous! you must know Mr. Quarlous, Win; you must not quarrel with Master Quarlous, Win.  QVAR. 
No, we'll kiss again and fall in.  IOH. 
Yes, do good Win.  WIN. 
i'faith you are a fool, john.  IOH. 
A fool-john she calls me, do you mark that, Gentlemen? pretty littlewit of velvet! a fool-john!  QVAR. 
She may call you an apple-john, if you use this.  WIN-W. 
Pray thee forbear, for my respect somewhat.  QVAR. 
Heyday! how respective you are become o'the sudden! I fear this family will turn you reformed too, pray you come about again. Because she is in possibility to be your daughter in law, and may ask you blessing hereafter, when she courts it to Totnam to eat cream. Well, I will forbear, Sir, but i'faith, would thou wouldst leave thy exercise of widow-hunting once! this drawing after an old reverend Smock by the splay-foot: There cannot be an ancient Tripe or Trillibub i'the Town, but thou art straight nosing it, and 'tis a fine occupation thou'lt confine thyself to, when thou hast got one; scrubbing a piece of Buff, as if thou hadst the perpetuity of Pannyer-alley to stink in; or perhaps, worse, currying a carcase, that thou hast bound thyself to alive. I'll be sworn, some of them, (that thou art, or hast been a Suitor to) are so old, as no chaste or married pleasure can ever become 'em: the honest Instrument of procreation, has (forty years since) left to belong to 'em, thou must visit 'em, as thou wouldst do a Tomb, with a Torch, or three handfuls of Link, flaming hot, and so thou mayst hap to make 'em feel thee, and after, come to inherit according to thy inches. A sweet course for a man to waste the brand of life for, to be still raking himself a fortune in an old woman's embers; we shall ha' thee after thou hast been but a month married to one of 'em, look like the quartane ague, and the black jaundice met in a face, and walk as if thou hadst borrowed legs of a Spinner, and voice of a Cricket. I would endure to hear fifteen Sermons a week for her, and such course, and loud one's, as some of'em must be; I would e'en desire of Fate, I might dwell in a drum, and take in my sustenance, with an old broken Tobacco-pipe and a Straw. Dost thou ever think to bring thine ears or stomach, to the patience of a dry grace, as long as thy Tablecloth? and drowned out by thy son, here, (that might be thy father;) till all the meat o'thy board has forgot, it was that day i'the Kitchen? Or to brook the noise made, in a question of Predestination, by the good labourers and painful eaters, assembled together, put to 'em by the Matron, your Spouse; who moderates with a cup of wine, ever and anon, and a Sentence out of Knox between? or the perpetual spitting, before, and after a sober drawn exhortation of six hours, whose better part was the hum-hahum? Or to hear prayers groaned out, over thy iron-chests, as if they were charms to break 'em? And all this for the hope of two apostle-spoons, to suffer! and a cup to eat a caudle in! For that will be thy legacy. She'll ha' conveyed her state, safe enough from thee, an' she be a right widow.  WIN. 
Alas, I am quite off that sent now.  QVAR. 
How so?  WINW. 
Put off by a Brother of Banbury, one, that, they say, is come here, and governs all, already.  QVAR. 
What do you call him? I knew diverse of those Banburians when I was in Oxford.  WIN-W. 
Master Littlewit can tell us.  IOH. 
Sir! good Win, go in, and if Master Bartholmew Cokes- his man come for the Licence: (the little old fellow) let him speak with me; what say you, Gentlemen?  WIN-W. 
What call you the Reverend Elder? you told me of? your Banbury-man.  IOH. 
Rabbi Busy, Sir, he is more than an Elder, he is a Prophet, Sir.  QVAR. 
O, I know him! a Baker, is he not?  IOH. 
He was a Baker, Sir, but he does dream now, and see visions, he has given over his Trade.  QVAR. 
I remember that too: out of a scruple he took, that (in spiced conscience) those Cakes he made, were served to bridals, maypoles, Morriss, and such profane feasts and meetings; his Christen-name is Zeal-of-the-land.  IOH. 
Yes, Sir, Zeal-of-the-land Busy.  WIN-W. 
How, what a name's there!  IOH. 
O, they have all such names, Sir; he was Witness, for Win, here, (they will not be called Godfathers) and named her Win-the-fight, you thought her name had been Winifred, did you not?  WIN-W. 
I did indeed.  IOH. 
He would ha' thought himself a stark Reprobate, if it had.  QVAR. 
ay, for there was a blue-starch-woman o'the name, at the same time. A notable hypocritical vermin it is; I know him. One that stands upon his face, more than his faith, at all times; Ever in seditious motion, and reproving for vainglory: of a most lunatic conscience, and spleen, and affects the violence of Singularity in all he does: (He has undone a Grocer here, in New-gate-market, that broke with him, trusted him with Currans, as errant a Zeal as he, that's by the way: by his profession, he will ever be i'the state of Innocence, though; and childhood; derides all Antiquity; defies any other Learning, than Inspiration; and what discretion soever, years should afford him, it is all prevented in his Original ignorance; ha' not to do with him: for he is a fellow of a most arrogant, and invincible dulness, I assure you; who is this?   

ACT. I. SCENE. IV.  WASPE. JOHN. WIN-WIFE. QVARLOUS. 
BY your leave, Gentlemen, with all my heart to you: and god you good morrow; Mr Littlewit, my business is to you. Is this Licence ready?  IOH. 
Here, I ha' it for you, in my hand, Master Humphrey.  WAS. 
That's well, nay, never open, or read it to me, it's labour in vain, you know. I am no Clerk, I scorn to be saved by my book, i'faith I'll hang first; fold it up o'your word and gi' it me; what must you ha' for't?  IOH. 
We'll talk of that anon, Master Humphrey.  WAS. 
Now, or not at all, good Mr Proctor, I am for no anons, I assure you.  IOH. 
Sweet Win, bid Salomon send me the little black box within, in my study.  WAS. 
ay, quickly, good Mistress, I pray you: for I have both eggs o'the Spit, and iron i'the fire, say, what you must have, good Mr Littlewit.  IOH. 
Why, you know the price, Mr Numps.  WAS. 
I know? I know nothing. ay, what tell you me of knowing? (now I am in haste) Sir, I do not know, and I will not know, and I scorn to know, and yet, (now I think on't) I will, and do know, as well as another; you must have a Mark for your thing here, and eight pence for the box; I could ha' saved two pence in'at, an' I had bought it myself, but here's fourteen shillings for you. Good Lord! how long your little wife stays! pray God, Salomon, your Clerk, be not looking i'the wrong box, Mr. Proctor.  IOH. 
Good i'faith! no, I warrant you, Salomon is wiser than so, Sir.  WAS. 
Fie, fie, fie, by your leave Master Littlewit, this is scurvy, idle, foolish and abominable, with all my heart; I do not like it.  WIN-W. 
Do you hear? Jack Littlewit, what business does thy pretty head think, this fellow may have, that he keeps such a coil with?  QVAR. 
More than buying of gingerbread i'the Cloister, here, (for that we allow him) or a guilt pouch i'the Fair?  IOH. 
Master Quarlous, do not mistake him: he is his Master's both-hands, I assure you.  QVAR. 
What? to pull on his boots, a mornings, or his stockings, does he?  IOH. 
Sir, if you have a mind to mock him, mock him softly, and look tother way: for if he apprehend you flout him, once, he will fly at you presently. A terrible testy old fellow, and his name is Wasp too.  QVAR. 
Pretty Insect! make much on him.  WAS. 
A plague of'is box, and the pox too, and on him that made it, and her that went for't, and all that should ha' sought it, sent it, or brought it! do you see, Sir?  IOH. 
Nay, good Mr Wasp.  WAS. 
Good Master Hornet, turd i'your teeth, hold you your tongue; do not I know you? your father was a Pothecary, and sold glisters, more than he gave, I wiss: and turd i'your little wife's teeth too (here she comes) 'twill make her spit as fine as she is, for all her velvet-custard on her head, Sir.  IOH. 
O! be civil Master Numpes.  WAS. 
Why, say I have a humour not to be civil; how then? who shall compel me? you?  IOH. 
Here is the box, now.  WAS. 
Why a pox o'your box, once again: let your little wife stale in it, and she will. Sir, I would have you to understand, and these Gentlemen too, if they please—  WIN-W. 
With all our hearts. Sir.  WAS. 
That I have a charge. Gentlemen.  IOH. 
They do apprehend, Sir.  WAS. 
Pardon me, Sir, neither they nor you, can apprehend me, yet. (you are an Ass) I have a young Master, he is now upon his making and marring; the whole care of his well doing, is now mine. His foolish schoolmasters have done nothing, but run up and down the Country with him, to beg puddings, and cakebread, of his tenants, and almost spoiled him, he has learned nothing, but to sing catches, and repeat rattle bladder rattle, and O, Madge. I dare not let him walk alone, for fear of learning of vile tunes, which he will sing at supper, and in the sermon-times! if he meet but a Carman i'the street, and I find him not talk to keep him off on him, he will whistle him, and all his tunes over, at night in his sleep! he has a head full of Bees! I am fain now (for this little time I am absent) to leave him in charge with a Gentlewoman; 'Tis true, she is A justice of Peace his wife, and a Gentlewoman o'the hood, and his natural sister: But what may happen, under a woman's government, there's the doubt. Gentlemen, you do not know him: he is another manner of piece than you think for! but nineteen year old, and yet he is taller than either of you, by the head, God bless him.  QVAR. 
Well, methinks, this is a fine fellow!  WIN-W. 
He has made his Master a finer by this description, I should think.  QVAR. 
'Faith, much about one, it's cross and pile, whether for a new farthing.  WAS. 
I'll tell you Gentlemen—  IOH. 
Will't please you drink, Master Wasp?  WAS. 
Why, I ha' not talked so long to be dry, Sir, you see no dust or cobwebs come out o'my mouth: do you? you'd ha' me gone, would you?  IOH. 
No, but you were in haste e'en now, Mr Numpes.  WAS. 
What an' I were? so I am still, and yet I will stay too; meddle you with your match, your Win, there, she has as little wit, as her husband it seems: I have others to talk to.  IOH. 
She's my match indeed, and as little wit as I, Good!  WAS. 
We ha' been but a day and a half in town, Gentlemen, 'tis true, and yesterday i'the afternoon, we walked London, to show the City to the Gentlewoman, he shall marry, Mistress Grace; but, afore I will endure such another half day, with him, I'll be drawn with a good Gib-cat, through the great pond at home, as his uncle Hodge was! why, we could not meet that heathen thing, all day, but stayed him: he would name you all the Signs over, as he went, aloud: and where he spied a parrot, or a Monkey, there he was pitched, with all the little-long-coats about him, male and female; no getting him away! I thought he would ha' run mad o'the black boy in Bucklersbury, that takes the scurvy, roguy tobacco, there.  IOH. 
You say true, Master Numpes: there's such a one indeed.  WAS. 
It's no matter, whether there be, or no, what's that to you?  QVAR. 
He will not allow of john's reading at any hand,   

ACT. I. SCENE. V.  COKES. Mistress Overdoo. WASPE. GRACE. QVARLOVS. WIN-WIFE. JOHN. WIN. 
O Numpes! are you here Numpes? look where I am, Numpes! and Mistress Grace, too! nay, do not look angrily, Numpes: my Sister is here, and all, I do not come without her.  WAS. 
What, the mischief, do you come with her? or she with you?  COK. 
We came all to seek you, Numpes.  WAS. 
To seek me? why, did you all think I was lost? or run away with your fourteen shillings worth of small ware, here? or that I had changed it i'the Fair, for hobby-horses? 'sprecious— to seek me!  OVER. 
Nay, good Mr Numpes, do you show discretion, though he be exorbitant, (as Mr. Overdoo says,) and't be but for conservation of the peace.  WAS. 
marry gip, goody she-justice, Mistress French-hood! turd i'your teeth; and turd i'your French-hoods teeth, too, to do you service, do you see? must you quote your Adam to me! you think, you are Madam Regent still, Mistress Overdoo; when I am in place? no such matter, I assure you, your reign is out, when I am in, Dame.  OVER. 
I am content to be in abeyance, Sir, and be governed by you; so should he too, if he did well; but 'twill be expected, you should also govern your passions.  WAS. 
Will't so forsooth? good Lord! how sharp you are! with being at bedlam yesterday? Whetston has set an edge upon you, has he?  OVER. 
Nay, if you know not what belongs to your dignity: I do, yet, to mine.  WAS. 
Very well, then.  COK. 
Is this the Licence, Numpes? for love's sake, let me see't. I never saw a Licence.  WAS. 
Did you not so? why, you shall not see't, then.  COK. 
An' you love me, good Numpes.  WAS. 
Sir, I love you, and yet I do not love you, i'these fooleries, set your heart at rest; there's nothing in't, but hard words: and what would you see't for?  COK. 
I would see the length and the breadth on't, that's all; and I will see't now, so I will.  WAS. 
You sha' not see it, here.  COK. 
Then I'll see't at home, and I'll look upo' the case here.  WAS. 
Why, do so, a man must give way to him a little in trifles: Gentlemen. These are errors, diseases of youth: which he will mend, when he comes to judgement, and knowledge of matters. I pray you conceive so, and I thank you. And I pray you pardon him, and I thank you again.  QVAR. 
Well, this dry-nurse, I say still, is a delicate man.  WIN-W. 
And I, am, for the Cosset, his charge! Did you ever see a fellow's face more accuse him for an Ass?  QVAR. 
Accuse him? it confesses him one without accusing. What pity 'tis yonder wench should marry such a coke's?  WIN-W. 
'Tis true.  QVAR. 
she seems to be discreet, and as sober as she is handsome.  WIN-W. 
ay, and if you mark her, what a restrained scorn she casts upon all his behaviour, and speeches?  COK. 
Well, Numpes, I am now for another piece of business more, the Fair, Numpes, and then—  WAS. 
Bless me! deliver me, help, hold me! the Fair!  COK. 
Nay, never fidge up and down, Numpes, and vex itself. I am resolute Bartholmew, in this; I'll make no suit on't to you; 'twas all the end of my journey, indeed, to show Mistress Grace my Fair: I call't my Fair, because of Bartholmew: you know my name is Bartholmew, and Bartholmew Fair.  IOH. 
That was mine afore, Gentlemen: this morning. I had that i'faith, upon his Licence, believe me, there he comes, after me.  QVAR. 
Come, john, this ambitious wit of yours, (I am afraid) will do you no good i'the end.  IOH. 
No? why Sir?  QVAR. 
You grow so insolent with it, and overdoing, john: that if you look not to it, and tie it up, it will bring you to some obscure place in time, and there 'twill leave you.  WIN-W. 
Do not trust it too much, john, be more sparing, and use it, but now and then; a wit is a dangerous thing, in this age; do not over buy it.  IOH. 
Think you so, Gentlemen? I'll take heed on't, hereafter.  WIN. 
Yes, do john.  COK. 
A pretty little soul, this same Mistress Littlewit! would I might marry her.  GRA. 
So would I, or anybody else, so I might scape you,  COK. 
Numps, I will see it, Numpes, 'tis decreed: never be melancholy for the matter.  WAS. 
Why, see it, Sir, see it, do see it! who hinders you? why do you not go see it? 'Slid see it.  COK. 
The Fair, Numps, the Fair.  WAS. 
Would the Fair and all the Drums, and Rattles in't, were i'your belly for me: they are already i'your brain: he that had the means to travel you head, now, should meet finer sights than any are i'the Fair; and make a finer voyage on't; to see it all hung with cockleshells, pebbles, fine wheat-straws, and here and there a chicken's feather, and a cobweb.  QVAR. 
Goodfaith, he looks, methinks an' you mark him, like one that were made to catch flies, with his Sir Cranion-legs.  WIN-W. 
And his Numpes, to flap 'em away.  WAS. 
God, be w'you, Sir, there's your Bee in a box, and much good do't, you.  COK. 
Why, your friend, and Bartholmew; an' you be so contumacious.  QVAR. 
What mean you, Numpes?  WAS. 
I'll not be guilty, ay, Gentlemen.  OVER. 
You will not let him go, Brother, and lose him?  COK. 
Who can hold that will away? I had rather lose him then the Fair, I wiss.  WAS. 
You do not know the inconvenience, Gentlemen, you persuade to: nor what trouble I have with him in these humours. If he go to the Fair, he will buy of every thing, to a Baby there; and householdstuff for that too. If a leg or an arm on him did not grow on, he would lose it i'the press. Pray heaven I bring him off with one stone! And then he is such a Ravener after fruit! you will not believe what a coil I had, tother day, to compound a business between a katerne-pear-woman, and him, about snatching! 'tis intolerable, Gentlemen.  WIN-W. 
O! but you must not leave him, now, to these hazards, Numpes.  WAS. 
Nay, he knows too well, I will not leave him, and that makes him presume: well, Sir, will you go now? if you have such an itch i'your feet, to foot it to the Fair, why do you stop, am I your terriers? go, will you go? Sir, why do you not go?  COK. 
O Numps! have I brought you about? come Mistress Grace, and Sister, I am resolute bat, i'faith, still.  GRA. 
Truly, I have no such fancy to the Fair; nor ambition to see it; there's none goes thither of any quality or fashion.  COK. 
O Lord, Sir! you shall pardon me, Mistress Grace, we are enough of ourselves to make it a fashion: and for qualities, let Numps alone, he'll find qualities.  QVAR. 
What a Rogue in apprehension is this! to understand her language no better.  WIN-W. 
ay, and offer to marry to her? well, I will leave the chase of my widow, for today, and directly to the Fair. These flies 〈…〉 this hot season, but engender us excellent creeping sport. 〈…〉 man that has but a spoon full of brain, would think so Farewell, john.  IOH. 
Win, you see, 'tis in fashion, to go to the Fair, Win: we must to the Fair too, you, and I, Win. I have an affair i'the Fair, Win, a Puppet-play of mine own making, say nothing, that I writ for the motion man, which you must see, Win.  WIN. 
I would I might john, but my mother will never consent to such a profane motion: she will call it.  IOH. 
Tut, we'll have a device, a dainty one; (Now, Wit, help at a pinch, good Wit come, come, good Wit, an't be thy will.) I have it, Win, I have it i'faith, and 'tis a fine one. Win, long to eat of a Pig, sweet Win, i'the Fair; do you see? i'the heart o'the Fair; not at pie-corner. Your mother will do any thing, Win, to satisfy your longing, you know, pray thee long, presently, and be sick o'the sudden, good Win. I'll go in and tell her, cut thy lace i'the mean time, and play the Hypocrite, sweet Win.  WIN. 
No, I'll not make me unready for it. I can be Hypocrite enough, though I were never so straight laced.  IOH. 
You say true, you have been bred i'the family, and brought up to't. Our mother is a most elect Hypocrite, and has maintained us all this seven year with it, like Gentlefolks.  WIN. 
ay, Let her alone, john, she is not a wise wilful widow for nothing, nor a sanctified sister for a song. And let me alone too, I ha' somewhat o'the mother in me, you shall see, fetch her, fetch her, ah, ah.   

ACT. I. SCENE. VI.  PURECRAFT. WIN. JOHN. BVSY. SALOMON. 
NOw, the blaze of the beauteous discipline, fright away this evil from our house! how now Win-the-fight, Child: how do you? Sweet child, speak to me.  WIN. 
Yes, forsooth.  PVR. 
Look up, sweet Win-the-fight, and suffer not the enemy to enter you at this door, remember that your education has been with the purest, what polluted one was it, that named first the unclean beast, Pig, to you, Child?  WIN. 
(Vh, vh.)  IOH. 
Not I, o' my sincerity, mother: she longed above three hours, ere she would let me know it; who was it Win?  WIN. 
A profane black thing with a beard, john.  PVR. 
O! resist it, Win-the-fight, it is the Tempter, the wicked Tempter, you may know it by the fleshly motion of Pig, be strong against it, and its foul temptations, in these assaults, whereby it broacheth flesh and blood, as it were, on the weaker side, and pray against its carnal provocations, good child, sweet child, pray.  IOH. 
Good mother, I pray you; that she may eat some Pig, and her belly full, too; and do not you cast away your own child, and perhaps one of mine, with your tale of the Tempter: how do you, Win? Are you not sick?  WIN. 
Yes, a great deal, john, (vh, vh.)  PVR. 
What shall we do? call our zealous brother Busy hither, for his faithful fortification in this charge of the adversary; child, my dear child, you shall eat Pig, be comforted, my sweet child.  WIN. 
ay, but i'the Fair, mother.  PVR. 
I mean i'the Fair, if it can be any way made, or found lawful; where is our brother Busy? Will he not come? look up, child.  IOH. 
Presently, mother, as soon as he has cleansed his beard. I found him, fast by the teeth, i'the cold turkey-pie, i'the cupboard, with a great white loaf on his left hand, and a glass of malmsey on his right.  PVR. 
Slander not the Brethren, wicked one.  IOH. 
Here he is, now, purified, Mother.  PVR. 
O brother Busy! your help here to edify, and raise us up in a scruple; my daughter Win-the-fight is visited with a natural disease of women; called, A longing to eat Pig.  IOH. 
I Sir, a bartholmew-pig: and in the Fair.  PVR. 
And I would be satisfied from you, Religiously-wise, whether a widow of the sanctified assembly, or a widow's daughter, may commit the act, without offence to the weaker sisters.  BVS. 
Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a disease, a carnal disease, or appetite, incident to women: and as it is carnal, and incident, it is natural, very natural: Now Pig, it is a meat, and a meat that is nourishing, and may be longed for, and so consequently eaten; it may be eaten; very exceeding well eaten: but in the Fair, and as a Bartholmew-pig, it cannot be eaten, for the very calling it a bartholmew-pig, and to eat it so, is a spice of Idolatry, and you make the Fair, no better than one of the high Places. This I take it, is the state of the question. A high place.  IOH. 
ay, but in state of necessity: Place should give place, Mr. Busy, (I have a conceit left, yet.)  PVR. 
Good Brother, Zeal-of-the-land, think to make it as lawful as you can.  IOH. 
Yes Sir, and as soon as you can: for it must be Sir; you see the danger my little wife is in, Sir.  PVR. 
Truly, I do love my child dearly, and I would not have her miscarry, or hazard her first fruits, if it might be otherwise.  BVS. 
Surely, it may be otherwise, but it is subject, to construction, subject, and hath a face of offence, with the weak, a great face, a foul face, but that face may have a veil put over it, and be shadowed, as it were, it may be eaten, and in the Fair, I take it, in a Booth, the tents of the wicked: the place is not much, not very much, we may be religious in midst of the profane, so it be eaten with a reformed mouth, with sobriety, and humbleness; not gorged in with gluttony, or greediness; there's the fear: for, should she go there, as taking pride in the place, or delight in the unclean dressing, to feed the vanity of the eye, or the lust of the , it were not well, it were not fit, it were abominable, and not good.  IOH. 
Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't, but courage, Win, we'll be humble enough; we'll seek out the homeliest Booth i'the Fair, that's certain, rather than fail, we'll eat it o' the ground.  PVR. 
ay, and I'll go with you myself, Win th'-fight, and my brother, Zeal-of-the-land, shall go with us too, for our better consolation.  WIN. 
Vh, vh.  IOH. 
ay, and Salomon too, Win, (the more the merrier) Win, we'll leave rabbi Busy in a Booth. Salomon, my cloak.  SAL. 
Here, Sir.  BVS. 
In the way of comfort to the weak, I will go, and eat. I will eat exceedingly, and prophesy; there may be a good use made of it, too, now I think on't: by the public eating of Swine's flesh, to profess our hate, and loathing of judaism, whereof the brethren stand taxed. I will therefore eat, yea, I will eat exceedingly.  IOH. 
Good, i'faith, I will eat heartily too, because I will be no jew, I could never away with that stiffnecked generation: and truly, I hope my little one will be like me, that cries for Pig so, i'the mother's belly.  BVS. 
Very likely, exceeding likely, very exceeding likely.    


ACT. II. SCENE. I.  JUSTICE OVERDOO. 
WEll, in justice' name, and the Kings; and for the commonwealth! defy all the world, Adam Overdoo, for a disguise, and all story; for thou hast fitted thyself, I swear; fain would I meet the Linccus now, that eagle's eye, that piercing Epidaurian serpent (as my Quint. Horace calls him) that could discover a justice of Peace, (and lately of the Quorum) under this covering. They may have seen many a fool in the habit of a justice; but never till now, a justice in the habit of a fool. Thus must we do, though, that wake for the public good: and thus hath the wise Magistrate done in all ages. There is a doing of right out of wrong, if the way be found. Never shall I enough commend a worthy worshipful man, sometime a capital member of this City, for his high wisdom, in this point, who would take you, now the habit of a Porter; now of a Carman; now of the Dog-killer, in this month of August; and in the winter, of a Seller of tinderboxes; and what would he do in all these shapes? marry go you into every Alehouse, and down into every Cellar; measure the length of puddings, take the gage of black pots, and cans, ay, and custards with a stick; and their circumference, with a third; weigh the loaves of bread on his middle-finger; then would he send for 'em, home; give the puddings to the poor, the bread to the hungry, the custards to his children; break the pots, and burn the cans, himself; he Would not trust his corrupt officers; he would do't himself. would all men in authority would follow this worthy precedent! For (alas) as we are public persons, what do we know? nay, what can we know? we hear with other men's ears; we see with other men's eyes? a foolish Constable, or a sleepy Watchman, is all our information, he slanders a Gentleman, by the virtue of his place, (as he calls it) and we by the vice of ours, must believe him. As a while agone, they made me, yea me, to mistake an honest zealous Pursuivant, for a Seminary: and a proper young Bachelor of Music, for a Bawd. This we are subject to, that live in high place, all our intelligence is idle, and most of our intelligencers, knaves: and by your leave, ourselves, thought little better, if not errant fools, for believing 'em. I Adam Overdoo, am resolved therefore, to spare spy-money hereafter, and make mine own discoveries. Many are the yearly enormities of of this Fair, in whose courts of piepowders I have had the honour during the three days sometimes to sit as judge. But this is the special day for detection of those foresaid enormities. Here is my black book, for the purpose; this the cloud that hides me: under this covert I shall see, and not be seen. On junius Brutus. And as I began, so I'll end: in justice' name, and the Kings; and for the Commonwealth.   

ACT. II. SCENE. II.  LEATHERHEAD. TRASH. JUSTICE. Urs'la. mooncalf. NIGHTINGALE. Costermonger. Passengers. 
THe fair's pestilence dead, methinks; people come not abroad, today, whatever the matter is. Do you hear, Sister Trash, Lady o'the Basket? sit farther with your gingerbread-progeny there, and hinder not the prospect of my shop, or I'll ha' it proclaimed i'the Fair, what stuff they are made on.  TRA. 
Why, what stuff are they made on, Brother Leatherhead? nothing but what's wholesome, I assure you.  LEA. 
Yes, stale bread, rotten eggs, musty ginger, and dead honey, you know.  IVS. 
I! have I met with enormity, so soon?  LEA. 
I shall mar your market, old Joan.  TRA. 
mar my market, thou too-proud Pedlar? do thy worst; I defy thee, ay, and thy stable of hobby-horses. I pay for my ground, as well as thou dost, and thou wrong'st me for all thou art parcel-poet, and an engineer. I'll find a friend shall right me, and make a ballad of thee, and thy cattle all over. Are you puffed up with the pride of your wares? your Arsedine?  LEA. 
Go to, old Joan, I'll talk with you anon; and take you down too, afore justice Overdoo, he is the man must charm you, I'll ha' you i'the piepowders.  TRA. 
Charm me? I'll meet thee face to face, afore his worship, when thou dar'st: and though I be a little crooked o'my body, I'll be found as upright in my dealing, as any woman in Smithfield, ay, charm me?  IVS. 
I am glad, to hear, my name is their terror, yet, this is doing of justice.  LEA. 
What do you lack? what is't you buy? what do you lack? Rattles, Drums, halberds, Horses, Babies o'the best? Fiddles o'th' finest? Enter Cost.  COS. 
Buy any pears, pears, fine, very fine pears.  TRA. 
Buy any gingerbread, guilt ginger-beard!  NIG. 
hay, now the fair's a filling!  
O, for a Tune to startle  
The Birds o'the Booths here billing▪  
Yearly with old Saint Barthle!  
The Drunkards they are wading,  
The punks, and Chapmen trading;  
who'd see the Fair without his lading? Buy any ballads; new ballads?  VRS. 
Fie upon't: who would wear out their youth, and prime thus, in roasting of pigs, that had any cooler vocation? Hell's a kind of cold cellar to t, a very fine vault, o'my conscience! what Mooncalf.  MOo. 
Here, Mistress.  NIG. 
How now Ursla? in a heat, in a heat?  VRS. 
My chair, you false faucet you; and my morning's draught, quickly, a bottle of Ale, to quench me, Rascal. I am all sire, and fat, Nightingale, I shall e'en melt away to the first woman, a rib again, I am afraid. I do water the ground in knots, as I go, like a great Garden-pot, you may follow me by the S.S. s .I make.  NIG. 
Alas, good Urs; was Zekiel here this morning?  VRS. 
Zekiel? what Zekiel?  NIG. 
Zekiel Edgeworth, the civil cutpurse, you know him well enough; he that talks bawdy to you still: I call him my Secretary.  VRS. 
He promised to be here this morning, I remember.  NIG. 
When he comes, bid him stay: I'll be back again presently.  VRS. 
Best take your morning's dew in your belly, Nightingale, come, 
Mooncalf brings in the Chair.  Sir, set it here, did not I bid you should get this chair let out o'the sides, for me, that my hips might play? you'll never think of any thing, till your dame be rumpgalled; 'tis well, Changeling: because it can take in your Grasshoppers thighs, you care for no more. Now, you look as you had been i' the corner o'the Booth, flaying your breech, with a candle's end, and set fire o'the Fair. Fill, Stote: fill.  IVS. 
This Pig-woman do I know, and I will put her in, for my second enormity, she hath been before me, Punk, Pinnace and Bawd, any time these two and twenty years, upon record i'the pie-powders.  VRS. 
Fill again, you unlucky vermin.  MOO. 
Pray you be not angry, Mistress, I'll ha' it widened anon.  VRS. 
No, no, I shall e'en dwindle away to't, ere the Fair be done, you think, now you ha' heated me? A poor vexed thing I am, I feel myself dropping already, as fast as I can: two stone a suet aday is my proportion: I can but hold life & soul together, with this (here's to you, Nightingale) and a whiff of tobacco, at most. Where's my pipe now? not filled? thou errant Incubee.  NIG. 
Nay, Ursla, thou'lt gall between the tongue and the teeth, with fretting, now.  VRS. 
How can I hope, that ever he'll discharge his place of trust, Tapster, a man of reckoning under me, that remembers nothing I say to him? but look to't, sirrah, you were best, three pence a pipe full, I will ha' made, of all my whole half pound of tobacco, and a quarter of a pound of Coltsfoot, mixed with it too, to itch it out. I that have dealt so long in the fire, will not be to seek in smoke, now. Then 6. and 20. shillings a barrel I will advance o'my Beer; and fifty shillings a hundred o'my bottle-ale, I ha' told you the ways how to raise it. Froth your cans well i'the filling, at length Rogue, and jog your bottles o' the buttock, Sirrah, then skinke out the first glass, ever, and drink with all companies, though you be sure to be drunk; you'll misreckon the better, and be less ashamed on't. But your true trick, Rascal, must be, to be ever busy, and mistake away the bottles and cans, in haste, before they be half drunk off, and never hear anybody call, (if they should chance to mark you) till you ha' brought fresh, and be able to forswear 'em. Give me a drink of Ale.  IVS. 
This is the very womb, and bed of enormity! gross, as herself! this must all down for enormity, all, every whit on't.  VRS. 
Look, who's there, Sirrah? 
One knocks.  five shillings a Pig is my price, at least; if it be a sow-pig, six pence more: if she be a great bellied wife, and long for't, six pence more for that.  IVS. 
O Tempora! O mores! I would not ha' lost my discovery of this one grievance, for my place, and worship o'the Bench, how is the poor subject abused, here! well, I will fall in with her, and with her Mooncalf, and win out wonders of enormity. By thy leave, goodly woman, and the fatness of the Fair: oily as the king's constables Lamp, and shining as his shooing-horn! hath thy Ale virtue, or thy Beer strength? that the tongue of man may be tickled? and his  pleased in the morning? let thy pretty Nephew here, go search and see.  VRS. 
What new Roarer is this?  MOO. 
O Lord! do you not know him, Mistress, 'tis mad Arthur of Bradley, that makes the Orations. Brave Master, old Arthur of Bradley, how do you? welcome to the Fair, when shall we hear you again, to handle your matters? with your back again a Booth, ha? I ha' been one o'your little disciples, i'my days!  IVS. 
Let me drink, boy, with my love, thy Aunt, here; that I may be eloquent: but of thy best, lest it be bitter in my mouth, and my words fall foul on the Fair.  VRS. 
Why dost thou not fetch him drink? and offer him to sit?  MOO. 
Is't Ale, or Beer? Master Arthur?  IVS. 
Thy best, pretty stripling, thy best; the same thy Dove drinketh, and thou drawest on holy days.  VRS. 
Bring him a six penny bottle of Ale; they say, a fool's handsel is lucky.  IVS. 
Bring both, child. Ale for Arthur, and Beer for Bradley. Ale for thine Aunt, boy. My disguise takes to the very wish, and reach of it. I shall by the benefit of this, discover enough, and more: and yet get off with the reputation of what I would be. A certain middling thing, between a fool and a madman.   

ACT. II. SCENE. III.  KNOCKHUM. to them. 
WHat! my little lean Ursla! my she-bear! art thou alive yet? with thy litter of pigs, to grunt out another Bartholmew Fair? ha!  VRS. 
Yes, and to amble afoot, when the Fair is done, to hear you groan out of a cart, up the heavy hill.  KNO. 
Of Holborn, Ursla, meanst thou so? for what? for what, pretty Urs?  VRS. 
For cutting halfpenny purses: or stealing little penny dogs, out o'the Fair.  KNO. 
O! good words, good words Urs.  IVS. 
Another special enormity. A cutpurse of the sword! the boot, and the feather! those are his marks.  VRS. 
You are one of those horseleeches, that gave out I was dead, in Turnbull street, of a surfeit of bottle ale, and tripes?  KNO. 
No, 'twas better meat Urs: cows udders, cows udders!  VRS. 
Well, I shall be meet with your mumbling mouth one day.  KNO. 
What? thou'lt poison me with a newt in a bottle of Ale, will't thou? or a spider in a tobacco-pipe, Urs? Come, there's no malice in these fat folks, I never fear thee, and I can scape thy lean mooncalf here. Let's drink it out, good Urs, and no vapours!  IVS. 
Dost thou hear, boy? (there's for thy Ale, and the remnant for thee) speak in thy faith of a faucet, now; is this goodly person before us here, this vapours, a knight of the knife?  MOO. 
What mean you by that, Master Arthur?  IVS. 
I mean a child of the horn-thumb, a babe of booty, boy; a cutpurse.  MOO. 
O Lord, Sir! far from it. This is Master Dan. Knockhum: Jordan the Ranger of Turnbull. He is a horse-courser, Sir.  IVS. 
Thy dainty dame, though, called him cutpurse.  MOO. 
Like enough, Sir, she'll do forty such things in an hour (an you listen to her) for her recreation, if the toy take her i'the greasy kerchief: it makes her fat you see. she battens with it.  IVS. 
Here might I ha' been deceived, now: and ha'put a fool's blot upon myself, if I had not played an after game o' discretion.  KNO. 
Alas poor Urs, this's an ill season for thee. 
Ursla comes in again dropping.   VRS. 
Hang yourself, hackneyman.  KNO. 
How? how? Urs, vapours! motion breed vapours?  VRS. 
Vapours? Never tusk, nor twirl your dibble, good Jordan, I know what you'll take to a very drop. Though you be Captain o'the Roarers, and fight well at the case of pisspots, you shall not fright me with your lion-chap, Sir, nor your tusks, you angry? you are hungry: come, a pig's head will stop your mouth, and stay your stomach, at all times.  KNO. 
Thou art such another mad merry Urs still! Troth I do make conscience of vexing thee, now i'the dog-days, this hot weather, for fear of foundering thee i'the body; and melting down a Pillar of the Fair. Pray thee take thy chair again, and keep state; and let's have a fresh bottle of Ale, and a pipe of tobacco; and no vapours. I'll ha' this belly o'thine taken up, and thy grass scoured, wench; look! here's Ezechiel Edgworth; a fine boy of his inches, as any is i'the Fair! has still money in his purse, and will pay all, with a kind heart; and good vapours.   

ACT. II. SCENE. IIII.  To them EDGWORTH. NIGHTINGALE. Corn-cutter. Tinder-box-man. Passengers. 
THat I will, indeed, willingly, Master Knockhum, fetch some Ale, and Tobacco.  LEA. 
What do you lack, Gentlemen? Maid: see a fine hobby horse for your young Master: cost you but a token a week his provender.  COR. 
Ha' you any corns i' your feet, and toes?  TIN. 
Buy a Mousetrap, a Mousetrap, or a Tormentor for a Flea.  TRA. 
Buy some Gingerbread.  NIG. 
Ballads, Ballads! fine new ballads:  

Hear for your love, and buy for your money.  
A delicate ballad o' the Ferret and the Coney.  
A preservative again' the punks evil.  
Another of Goose-greene-starch, and the Devil.  
A dozen of divine points, and the Godly garters.  
The Fairing of good council, of an ell and three quarters. What is't you buy?  
The Windmill blown down by the witch's fart!  
Or Saint George, that O! did break the dragon's heart!   EDG. 
Master Nightingale, come hither, leave your mart a little.  NIG. 
O my Secretary! what says my Secretary?  IVS. 
Child o'the bottles, what's he? what he?  MOO. 
A civil young Gentleman, Master Arthur, that keeps company with the Roarers, and disburses all, still. He has ever money in his purse; He pays for them; and they roar for him: one does good offices for another. They call him the Secretary, but he serves nobody. A great friend of the ballad-man's they are never asunder.  IVS. 
What pity 'tis, so civil a young man should haunt this debauched company? here's the bane of the youth of our time apparent. A proper penman, I see't in his countenance, he has a good Clerks look with him, and I warrant him a quick hand.  MOO. 
A very quick hand, Sir.  EDG. 
All the purses, and purchase, I give you today by conveyance, bring hither to Ursla's presently. 
This they whisper, that Overdoo hears it not.  Here we will meet at night in her lodge, and share. Look you choose good places, for your standing i'the Fair, when you sing, Nightingale.  VRS. 
ay, near the fullest passages; and shift 'em often.  EDG. 
And i'your singing, you must use your hawks eye nimbly, and fly the purse to a mark, still, where 'tis worn, and o'which side; that you may gi'me the sign with your beak, or hang your head that way i'the tune.  VRS. 
Enough, talk no more on't: your friendship (Masters) is not now to begin. Drink your draught of Indenture, your sup of Covenant, and away, the Fair fills apace, company begins to come in, and I ha' ne'er a Pig ready, yet.  KNO. 
Well said! fill the cups, and light the tobacco: let's give fire i'th' works, and noble vapours.  EDG. 
And shall we ha' smocks Ursla, and good whimsies, ha?  VRS. 
Come, you are i'your bawdy vain! the best the Fair will afford, Zekiel, if Bawd Whit keep his word; how do the Pigs, Mooncalf?  MOO. 
Very passionate, Mistress, one on'em has wept out an eye. Master Arthur o'Bradley is melancholy, here, nobody talks to him. Will you any tobacco Master Arthur?  IVS. 
No, boy, let my meditations alone.  MOO. 
He's studying for an Oration, now.  IVS. 
If I can, with this day's travel, and all my policy, but rescue this youth, here, out of the hands of the lewd man, and the strange woman. I will sit down at night, and say with my friend Ovid, jamque opus exegi, quod nec jovis ira, nec ignis, &c.  KNO. 
Here Zekiel; here's a health to Ursla, and a kind vapour, thou hast money i'thy purse still; and store! how dost thou come by it? Pray thee vapour thy friends some in a courteous vapour.  EDG. 
Half I have, Master Dan. Knockhum, is always at your service,  IVS. 
Ha, sweet nature! what Goshawk would prey upon such a Lamb?  KNO. 
Let's see, what 'tis, Zekiel! count it, come, fill him to pledge me.   

ACT. II. SCENE. V.  WIN-WIFE. QVARLOUS. to them. 
we are here before 'em, methinks.  QVAR. 
All the better, we shall see 'em come in now.  LEA. 
What do you lack, Gentlemen, what is't you lack? a fine Horse? a Lion? a Bull? a Bear? a Dog, or a Cat? an excellent fine Bartholmew bird? or an Instrument? what is't you lack?  QVAR. 
'Slid! here's Orpheus among the beasts, with his Fiddle, and all!  TRA. 
Will you buy any comfortable bread, Gentlemen?  QVAR. 
And Ceres selling her daughter's picture, in ginger-work!  WIN. 
That these people should be so ignorant to think us chapmen for 'em! do we look as if we would buy Gingerbread? or Hobby-horses?  QVAR. 
Why, they know no better ware than they have, nor better customers then come. And our very being here makes us fit to be demanded, as well as others. Would Cokes would come! there were a true customer for 'em.  KNO. 
How much is't? thirty shillings? who's yonder! Ned Win-wife? and Tom Quarlous, I think! yes, (gi' me it all) (gi' me it all) Master Win-wife! Master Quarlous! will you take a pipe of tobacco with us? do not discredit me now, Zekiel.  WIN. 
Do not see him! he is the roaring horse-courser, pray thee let's avoid him: turn down this way.  QVAR. 
'sblood, I'll see him, and roar with him, too, and he roared as loud as Neptune, pray thee go with me.  WIN. 
You may draw me to as likely an inconvenience, when you please, as this.  QVAR. 
Go to then, come along, we ha' nothing to do, man, but to see sights, now.  KNO. 
Welcome Master Quarlous, and Master Win-wife! will you take any froth, and smoke with us?  QVAR. 
Yes, Sir, but you'll pardon us, if we knew not of so much familiarity between us afore.  KNO. 
As what, Sir?  QVAR. 
To be so lightly invited to smoke, and froth.  KNO. 
A good vapour! will you sit down, Sir? this is old Ursla's mansion, how like you her bower? here you may ha'your punk, and your Pig in state, Sir, both piping hot.  QVAR. 
I had rather ha' my punk, cold, Sir.  IVS. 
There's for me, punk! and Pig!  VRS. 
What mooncalf? you Rogue. 
She calls within.   MOO. 
By and by, the bottle is almost off Mistress, here Master Arthur.  VRS. 
I'll part you, and your playfellow there, i'the guarded coat, an' you sunder not the sooner.  KNO. 
Master Win-wife, you are proud( methinks) you do not talk, nor drink, are you proud?  WIN. 
Not of the company I am in, Sir, nor the place, I assure you.  KNO. 
You do not except at the company! do you? are you in vapours, Sir?  MOO. 
Nay, good Master Dan: Knockhum, respect my Mistress Bower, as you call it; for the honour of our Booth, none o'your vapours, here.  VRS. 
Why, you thin lean Polecat you, and they have a mind to be i'their vapours, must you hinder 'em? what did you know Vermin, if they would ha' lost a cloak, or such a trifle? 
She comes out with a firebrand.  must you be drawing the air of pacification here? while I am tormented, within, i'the fire, you Weasel?  MOO. 
Good Mistress, 'twas in the behalf of your Booth's credit, that I spoke.  VRS, 
Why? would my Booth ha' broke, if they had fallen out in't? Sir? or would their heat ha' fitted it? in, you Rogue, and wipe the pigs, and mend the fire, that they fall not, or I'll both baste and roast you, till your eyes drop out, like 'em. (Leave the bottle behind you, and be cursed a while.)  QVAR. 
Body o'the Fair! what's this? mother o'the Bawds?  KNO. 
No, she's mother o'the Pigs, Sir, mother o'the Pigs!  WIN. 
Mother o'the Furies, I think, by her firebrand.  QVAR. 
Nay, she is too fat to be a Fury, sure, some walking Sow of tallow!  WIN. 
An inspired vessel of kitchen-sluff!  QVAR. 
She'll make excellent gear for the Coach-makers, 
She drinks this while.  here in Smithfield, to anoint wheels and axle trees with.  VRS. 
ay, ay, Gamesters, mock a plain plump soft wench o' the Suburbs, do, because she's juicy and wholesome: you must ha' your thin pinched ware, pent up i'the compass of a dog-collar, (or 'twill not do) that looks like a long laced Conger, set upright, and a green feather, like fennel i'the jowl on't.  KNO. 
Well said Urs, my good Urs; to 'em Urs.  QVAR. 
Is she your quagmire, Dan: Knockhum? is this your Bog?  NIG. 
We shall have a quarrel presently.  KNO. 
How? Bog? Quagmire? foul vapours! hum'h!  QVAR. 
Yes, he that would venture for't, I assure him, might sink into her, and be drowned a week, ere any friend he had, could find where he were.  WIN. 
And then he would be a fortnight weighing up again.  QVAR. 
'Twere like falling into a whole Shire of butter: they had need be a team of Dutchmen, should draw him out.  KNO. 
Answer 'em, Urs, where's thy Bartholmew-wit, now? Urs, thy Bartholmew-wit?  VRS. 
Hang 'em, rotten, roguy Cheaters, I hope to see 'em plagued one day (poxed they are already, I am sure) with lean playhouse poultry, that has the bony rump, sticking out like the Ace of Spades, or the point of a partisan, that every rib of'em is like the tooth of a Saw: and will so grate 'em with their hips, & shoulders, as (take 'em altogether) they were as good lie with a hurdle.  QVAR. 
Out upon her, how she drips! she's able to give a man the sweating Sickness, with looking on her.  VRS. 
marry look off, with a patch o'your face; and a dozen i'your breech, though they be o'scarlet, Sir. I ha' seen as fine outsides, as either o'yours, bring lousy linings to the Brokers, ere now, twice a week?  QVAR. 
Do you think there may be a fine new Cucking-stool i'the Fair, to be purchased? one large enough, I mean. I know there is a pond of capacity, for her.  VRS. 
For your mother, you Rascal, out you Rogue, you hedge bird, you Pimp, you pannier-man's bastard, you.  QVAR. 
Ha, ha, ha.  VRS. 
Do you sneer, you dogshead, you Trendle tail! you look as you were begotten atop of a Cart in harvest-time, when the whelp was hot and eager. Go, snuff after your brother's bitch, Mrs. Commodity, that's the Livery you wear, 'twill be out at the elbows, shortly. It's time you went to't, for the tother remnant.  KNO. 
Peace, Urs, peace, Urs, they'll kill the poor Whale, and make oil of her. Pray thee go in.  VRS. 
I'll see 'em poxed first, and piled, and double piled.  WIN. 
Let's away, her language grows greasier than her Pigs.  VRS. 
Dost so, snotty nose? good Lord! are you snivelling? you were engendered on a she-beggar, in a barn, when the bald Thrasher, your Sire, was scarce warm.  WIN. 
Pray thee, let's go.  QVAR. 
No, faith: I'll stay the end of her, now: I know she cannot last long; I find by her similes, she wanes apace.  VRS. 
does she so? I'll set you gone. Gi' me my Pig-pan hither a little. I'll scald you hence, and you will not go.  KNO. 
Gentlemen, these are very strange vapours! and very idle vapours! I assure you.  QVAR. 
You are a very serious ass, we assure you.  KNO. 
Humh! Ass? and serious? nay, then pardon me my vapour. I have a foolish vapour, Gentlemen: any man that does vapour me, the Ass, Master Quarlous—  QVAR. 
What then, Master jordan?  KNO. 
I do vapour him the lie.  QVAR. 
Faith, and to any man that vapours me the lie, I do vapour that.  KNO. 
Nay, then, vapours upon vapours.  EDG. NIG. 
'Ware the pan, the pan, the pan, 

Ursla comes in, with the scalding-pan.  
They fight. she falls with it.   she comes with the pan, Gentlemen. God bless the woman.  VRS. 
Oh.  ERA. 
What's the matter?  IVS. 
Goodly woman!  MOO. 
Mistress!  VRS. 
Curse of hell, that ever I saw these fiends, oh! I ha' scalded my leg, my leg, my leg, my leg. I ha' lost a limb in the service! run for some cream and salad oil, quickly. Are you under-peering, you baboon? rip off my hose, an' you be men, men, men.  MOO. 
Run you for some cream, good mother Joan. I'll look to your basket.  LEA. 
Best sit up i'your chair, Ursla. Help, Gentlemen.  KNO. 
Be of good cheer, Urs, thou hast hindered me the currying of a couple of Stallions, here, that abused the good race-Bawd o'Smithfield; 'twas time for 'em to go.  NIG. 
i'faith, when the pan came, they had made you run else. (this had been a fine time for purchase, if you had ventured.)  EDG. 
Not a whit, these fellows were too fine to carry money.  KNO. 
Nightingale, get some help to carry her leg out o'the air; take off her shoes; body o'me, she has the Mallanders, the scratches, the crown scab, and the quitter bone, i'the tother leg.  VRS. 
Oh! the pox, why do you put me in mind o'my leg, thus, to make it prick, and shoot? would you ha' me i'the Hospital, afore my time?  KNO. 
Patience, Urs, take a good heart, 'tis but a blister, as big as a Windgall; I'll take it away with the white of an egg, a little honey, and hog's grease, ha' thy pasterns well rolled, and thou shall't pace again by tomorrow. I'll tend thy Booth, and look to thy affairs, the while: thou shalt sit i'thy chair, and give directions, and shine Ursa maior.   

ACT. II. SCENE. VI.  JUSTICE. EDGEWORTH. NIGHTINGALE. COKES. WASPE. Mistress OVERDOO. GRACE. 
THese are the fruits of bottle-ale, and tobacco! the some of the one, and the fumes of the other! Stay young man, and despise not the wisdom of these few hairs, that are grown grey in care of thee.  EDG. 
Nightingale, stay a little. Indeed I'll hear some o' this!  COK. 
Come, Numps, come, where are you? welcome into the Fair, Mistress Grace.  EDG. 
'Slight, he will call company, you shall see, and put us into doings presently.  IVS. 
Thirst not after that frothy liquour, Ale: for, who knows, when he openeth the stopple, what may be in the bottle? hath not a Snail, a Spider, yea, a newt been found there? thirst not after it, youth: thirst not after it.  COK. 
This is a brave fellow, Numps, let's hear him.  WAS. 
'Sblood, how brave is he? in a guarded coat? you were best truck with him, e'en strip, and truck presently, it will become you, why will you hear him, because he is an Ass, and may be a kin to the Cokeses?  COK. 
O, good Numps!  IVS. 
Neither do thou lust after that tawny weed, tobacco.  COK. 
Brave words!  IVS. 
Whose complexion is like the Indians that vents it!  COK. 
Are they not brave words, Sister?  IVS. 
And who can tell, if, before the gathering, and making up thereof, the Alligarta hath not pissed thereon?  WAS. 
Heart let 'em be brave words, as brave as they will! and they were all the brave words in a Country, how then? will you away yet? ha'you enough on him? Mistress Grace, come you away, I pray you, be not you accessary. If you do lose your Licence, or somewhat else, Sir, with listening to his fables: say, Numps, is a witch, with all my heart, do, say so.  COK. 
Avoid i' your satin doublet, Numps.  IVS. 
The creeping venom of which subtle serpent, as some late writers affirm; neither the cutting of the perilous plant, nor the drying of it, nor the lighting, or burning, can any way persuade or, assuage.  COK. 
Good, i'faith! is't not Sister?  IVS. 
Hence it is, that the lungs of the tobacconist are rotted, the Liver spotted, the brain smoked like the backside of the pig-woman's Booth, here, and the whole body within, black, as her Pan, you saw e'en now, without.  COK. 
A fine similitude, that, Sir! did you see the pan?  EDG. 
Yes, Sir.  IVS. 
Nay, the hole in the nose here, of some tobacco-takers, or the third nostril, (if I may so call it) which makes, that they can vent the tobacco out, like the Ace of clubs, or rather the Fleur-de-lis, is caused from the tobacco, the mere tobacco! when the poor innocent pox, having nothing to do there, is miserably, and most unconscionably slandered.  COK. 
Who would ha' missed this, Sister?  OVER. 
Not anybody, but Numps.  COK. 
He does not understand.  EDG. 
Nor you feel.  COK. 
What would you have, Sister, 
He picketh his purse.  of a fellow that knows nothing but a basket-hilt, and an old Fox in't? the best music i'the Fair, will not move a log.  EDG. 
In, to Ursla, Nightingale, and carry her comfort: see it told. This fellow was sent to us by fortune, for our first fairing.  IVS. 
But what speak I of the diseases of the body, children of the Fair?  COK. 
That's to us, Sister. Brave i'faith!  IVS. 
Hark, O, you sons and daughters of Smithfield! and hear what malady it doth the mind: It causeth swearing, it causeth swaggering, it causeth snuffling, and snarling, and now and then a hurt.  OVE. 
He hath something of Master Overdo, methinks, brother.  COK. 
So methought, Sister, very much of my brother Overdoo: And 'tis, when he speaks.  IVS. 
Look into any Angle o'the town, (the straits, or the Bermuda's) where the quarrelling lesson is read, and how do they entertain the time, but with bottle-ale, and tobacco? The Lecturer is o'one side, and his Pupils o'the other; But the seconds are still bottle ale, and tobacco, for which the Lecturer reads, and the Novices pay. Thirty pound a week in boule-ale! forty in tobacco! and ten more in Ale again. Then for a suit to drink in, so much, and (that being slavered) so much for another suit, and then a third suit, and a fourth suit! and still the bottle-ale slavereth, and the tobacco stinketh!  WAS. 
Heart of a madman! are you rooted here? well you never away? what can any man find out in this bawling fellow, to grow here for? he is a full handful higher, sin'he heard him, will you fix here? and set up a Booth? Sir?  IVS. 
I will conclude briefly—  WAS. 
Hold your peace, you roaring Rascal, I'll run my head i'your chaps else. You were best build a Booth, and entertain him, make your Will, and you say the word, and him your heir! heart, I never knew one taken with a mouth of a peek, afore. By this light, I'll carry you away o' my back, and you will not come. 
He gets him up on pickpack.   COK. 
Stay Numpes, stay, set me down: I ha' lost my purse, Numps, O my purse! one o'my fine purses is gone.  OVER. 
Is't indeed, brother?  COK. 
ay, as I am an honest man, would I were an errant Rogue, else! a plague of all roguy, damned cutpurses for me.  WAS. 
Bless 'em with all my heart, with all my heart, do you see! Now, as I am no Infidel, that I know of, I am glad on't. I I am, (here's my witness!) do you see, Sir? I did not tell you of his fables, I? no, no, I am a dull malt-horse, ay, I know nothing. Are you not justly served i'your conscience now? speak i'your conscience. Much good do you with all my heart, and his good heart that has it, with all my heart again.  EDG. 
This fellow is very charitable, would he had a purse too! but, I must not be too bold, all at a time.  COK. 
Nay, Numps, it is not my best purse.  WAS. 
Not your best! death! why should it be your worst? why should it be any, indeed, at all? answer me to that, gi'mee a reason from you, why it should be any?  COK. 
Nor my gold, Numps; I ha' that yet, look here else, Sister.  WAS. 
Why so, there's all the feeling he has!  OVER. 
I pray you, have a better care of that, brother.  COK. 
Nay, so I will, I warrant you; let him catch this, that catch can. I would fain see him get this, look you here.  WAS. 
So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so! Very good.  COK. 
I would ha' him come again, now, and but offer at it. Sister, will you take notice of a good jest? I will put it just where th'other was, and if we ha' good luck, you shall see a delicate fine trap to catch the cutpurse, nibbling.  EDG. 
Faith, and he'll try ere you be out o'the Fair.  COK. 
Come, Mistress Grace, prithee be not melancholy for my mischance; sorrow wi'not keep it, Sweet heart.  GRA. 
I do not think on't, Sir.  COOK. 
'Twas but a little scurvy white money, hang it: it may hang the cutpurse, one day. I ha' gold left to gi'thee a fairing, yet, as hard as the world goes: nothing angers me, but that nobody here, looked like a cutpurse, unless 'twere Numps.  WAS 
How? I? I look like a cutpurse? death! your Sister's a cutpurse! and your mother and father, and all your kin were cutpurses! And here is a Rogue is the bawd o'the cutpurses, whom I will beat to begin with.  COK. 
Numps, Numps.  OVER. 
Good Mr Humphrey.  WAS. 
You are the Patrico! are you? the Patriarch of the cutpurses? you share, Sir, they say, let them share this with you. Are you i'your hot fit of preaching again? I'll cool you.  IVS. 
Murder, murder, murder.  IVS. 
Hold thy hand, child of wrath, and heir of anger, 
They speak all together: and Wasp beats the Iustice.  make it not Childermas day in thy fury, or the feast of the French Bartholmew, Parent of the of the Massacre.    


ACT. III. SCENE. I.  WHIT. HAGGISE. BRISTLE. Leatherhead. TRASH. 
NAy, 'tish all gone, now! dish tish, phen tou vilt not be phitin call, Master Offisher, phat ish a man te better to lishen out noyshes for tee, & tou art in another 'orld, being very shuffishient noyshes and gallantsh too, one o'their brabblesh would have fed ush all dish fortnight, but tou art so bushy about beggersh still, tou hast no leisure to intend shentlemen, an't be.  HAG. 
Why, I told you, Davy Bristle.  BRI. 
Come, come, you told me a pudding, Toby Haggise; A matter of nothing; I am sure it came to nothing! you said, let's go to Ursla's, indeed; but then you met the man with the monsters, and I could not get you from him. An old fool, not leave seeing yet?  HAG. 
Why, who would ha' thought anybody would ha' quarrelled so early? or that the ale o'the Fair would ha' been up so soon.  WHI. 
Phy? phat o'clock toest tou tinke it ish, man?  HAG. 
I cannot tell.  WHI.. 
Tou art a vishe vatchman, i'te mean teem.  HAG. 
Why? should the watch go by the clock, or the clock by the watch, I pray?  BRI. 
One should go by another, if they did well.  WHI. 
Tou art right now! phen didst tou ever know, or hear of a shuffishient vatchman, but he did tell the clock, phat bushiness soever he had?  BRI. 
Nay, that's most true, a sufficient watchman knows what o'clock it is.  WHI. 
Shleeping, or vaking! ash well as te clock himself, or te lack dat shtrikes him!  BRI. 
Let's inquire of Master Leatherhead, or Joan Trash here. Master Leatherhead, do you hear, Master Leatherhead?  WHI. 
If it be a leatherhead, 'tish a very tick leatherhead, tat sho much noish vill not perish him.  LEA. 
I have a little business now, good friends do not trouble me.  WHI. 
Phat? because o'ty wrought neat cap, and ty velvet sherkin, Man? fie? I have sheen tee in ty Ledder sherkin, ere now, Mashter o'de hobby-Horses, as bushy and as stately as tou sheem'st to be.  TRA. 
Why, what an' you have, Captain Whit? he has his choice of jerkins, you may see by that, and his caps too, I assure you, when he pleases to be either sick, or employed.  LEA. 
God a mercy Joan, answer for me.  WHI. 
Away, be not sheen i'my company, here be shentlemen, and men of vorship.   

ACT. III. SCENE. II.  QVARLOUS. WHIT. WIN-WIFE. BVSY. JOHN. PVRE-CRAFT. WIN. KNOK. HUM. MOON-CALFE. Ursla. 
we had wonderful ill luck, to miss this prologue o'the purse, but the best is, we shall have five Acts of him ere night: he'll be spectacle enough! I'll answer for't.  WHI. 
O Creesh! Duke Quarlous, how dost tou? tou dost not know me, I fear? I am te vishesht man, but Justice Overdoo, in all Bartholmew Fair, now. Gi' me twelvepence from tee, I vill help tee to a vife vorth forty marks for't, an't be.  QVAR. 
Away, Rogue, Pimp away.  WHI. 
And she shall show tee as fine cut o'rke fort't in her shmock too, as tou cansht vish i'faith; vilt tou have her, vorshipfull Vin vife? I vill help tee to her, here, be an't be, in te pig-quarter, gi'me ty twelvepence from tee,  WIN-W. 
Why, there's twelvepence, pray thee wilt thou be gone.  WHI, 
Tou art a vorthy man, and a vorshipfull man still.  QVAR. 
Get you gone, Rascal.  WHI. 
I do mean it, man. Prinsh Quarlous if tou hasht need on me, tou shalt find me here, at Ursla's, I vill see phat ale, and punk ish i'te pigsty, for tee, bless ty good vorship.  QVAR. 
Look! who comes here! john Littlewit!  WIN-W. 
And his wife, and my widow, her mother: the whole family.  QVAR. 
'Slight, you must give 'em all fairings, now!  WIN-W. 
Not I, I'll not see 'em,  QVAR. 
They are going a feasting. What schoolmaster's that is with 'em?  WIN-W. 
That's my Rival, I believe, the Baker!  BVS. 
So, walk on in the middle way, foreright, turn neither to the right hand, nor to the left: let not your eyes be drawn aside with vanity, nor your ear with noises.  QVAR. 
O, I know him by that start!  LEA. 
What do you lack? what do you buy, pretty Mistress! a fine Hobby-Horse, to make your son a Tilter? a Drum to make him a Soldier? a Fiddle, to make him a Reveller? What is't you lack? Little Dogs for your Daughters! or Babies, male, or female?  BVS. 
Look not toward them, harken not: the place is Smithfield, or the field of Smiths, the Grove of hobby-horses and trinkets, the wares are the wares of devils. And the whole Fair is the shop of Satan! They are hooks, and baits, very baits, that are hung out on every side, to catch you, and to hold you as it were, by the gills; and by the nostrils, as the Fisher doth: therefore, you must not look, nor turn toward them— The Heathen man could stop his ears with wax, against the harlot o'the sea: Do you the like, with your fingers against the bells of the Beast.  WIN-W. 
What flashes comes from him!  QVAR. 
O, he has those of his oven! a notable hot Baker 'twas, when he plied the peel: he is leading his flock into the Fair, now.  WIN-W. 
Rather driving 'em to the Pens: for he will let 'em look upon nothing.  KNO. 
Gentlewomen, the weather's hot! whither walk you? Have a care o'your fine velvet caps, the Fair is dusty. Take a sweet delicate Booth, 
Littlewit is gazing at the sign; which is the Pigs-head with a large writing under it.  with boughs, here, i'th' way, and cool yourselves i'the shade: you and your friends. The best pig and bottle-ale i' the Fair, Sir. Old Ursla is Cook, there you may read: the pig's head speaks it. Poor soul, she has had a stringhalt, the Maryhinchco: but she's prettily amended.  WHI. 
A delicate sow-pig, little Mistress, with sweet sauce, and crackling, like de bay-leaf I'd fire, la! Tou shalt ha'de clean side o'de tablecloth and di glass washed with phatersh of Dame Annessh Clear.  IOH. 
This's fine, verily, here be the best pigs: and she does roast 'em as well as ever she did; the pig's head says.  KNO. 
Excellent, excellent, Mistress, with fire o' juniper and Rosemary branches! The Oracle of the pig's head, that, Sir.  PVR. 
Son, were you not warned of the vanity of the eye? have you forgot the wholesome admonition, so soon?  IOH. 
Good mother, how shall we find a pig, if we do not look about for't? will it run off o'the spit, into our mouths think you? as in Lubberland? and cry, we, we?  BVS. 
No, but your mother, religiously wise, conceiveth it may offer itself, by other means, to the sense, as by way of steam which I think it doth, here in this place (Huh, huh) yes, it doth. and it were a sin of obstinacy, 
Busy scents after it like a Hound.  great obstinacy, high and horrible obstinacy, to decline, or resist the good titillation of the famelick sense, which is the smell. Therefore be bold (huh, huh, huh) follow the scent. Enter the Tents of the unclean, for once, and satisfy your wife's frailty. Let your frail wife be satisfied: your zealous mother, and my suffering self, will also be satisfied.  IOH. 
Come, Win, as good whinny here, as go farther, and see nothing.  BVS. 
we scape so much of the other vanities, by our early entering.  PVR. 
It is an edifying consideration.  WIN. 
This is scurvy, that we must come into the Fair, and not look on't.  IOH. 
Win, have patience, Win, I'll tell you more anon.  KNO. 
Mooncalf, entertain within there, the best pig i'the Booth; a Porklike pig. These are Banbury-bloods, o'the sincere stud, come a-pighunting. Whit, wait Whit, look to your charge.  BVS. 
A pig prepare, presently, let a pig be prepared to us.  MOo. 
'Slight, who be these?  VRS. 
Is this the good service, jordan, you'd do me?  KNO. 
Why, Urs? why, Urs? thou'lt ha' vapours i'thy leg again presently, pray thee go in, 't may turn to the scratches else.  VRS. 
Hang your vapours, they are stale, and stink like you, are these the guests o'the game, you promised to fill my pit withal, today?  KNO. 
I● what ail they Urs?  VRS. 
Ail they? they are all sippers, sippers o'the City, they look as they would not drink off two pen'orth of bottle-ale amongst 'em.  MOO. 
A body may read that i'their small printed ruffs.  KNO. 
Away, thou art a fool, Urs, and thy Mooncalf too, i'your ignorant vapours, now? hence, good guests, I say right hypocrites, good gluttons. In, and set a couple o'pigs o'the board, and half a dozen of the biggest bottles afore 'em, and call Whit, I do not love to hear Innocents abused: Fine ambling hypocrites! and a stone-puritan, with a sorrel head, and beard, good mouthed gluttons: two to a pig, away.  VRS. 
Are you sure they are such?  KNO. 
O'the right breed, thou shalt try 'em by the teeth, Urs, where's this Whit?  WHI. 
Behold, man and see, what a worthy man am ee!  
With the fury of my sword, and the shaking of my beard,  
I will make ten thousand men afeard.  KNO. 
Well said, brave Whit, in, and fear the ale out o'the bottles, into the bellies of the brethren, and the sister's drink to the cause, and pure vapours.  QVAR. 
My Roarer is turned Tapster, methinks. Now were a fine time for thee, Win-wife, to lay aboard thy widow, thou'lt never be Master of a better season, or place; she that will venture herself into the Fair, and a pig-box, will admit any assault, be assured of that.  WIN. 
I love not enterprises of that suddenness, though.  QVAR. 
I'll warrant thee, then, no wife out o'the widows Hundred: if I had but as much Title to her, as to have breathed once on that straight stomacher of hers, I would now assure myself to carry her, yet, ere she went out of Smithfield. Or she should carry me, which were the fitter sight, I confess. But you are a modest undertaker, by circumstances, and degrees; come, 'tis Disease in thee, not judgement, I should offer at all together. Look, here's the poor fool, again, that was stung by the wasp, ere while.   

ACT. III. SCENE. III.  JUSTICE. WIN-WIFE. QVARLOUS. 
I will make no more orations, shall draw on these tragical conclusions. And I begin now to think, that by a spice of collateral justice, Adam Overdoo, deserved this beating; for I the said Adam, was one cause (a because) why the purse was lost: and my wife's brother's purse too, which they know not of yet. But I shall make very good mirth with it, at supper, (that will be the sport) and put my little friend Mr. Humphrey Wasp's choler quite out of countenance. When, sitting at the upper end o'my Table, as I use, & drinking to my brother Cokes, and Mrs. Alice Overdoo, as I will, my wife, for their good affection to old Bradley, I deliver to'em, it was I, that was cudgeled, and show 'em the marks. To see what bad events may peep out o'the tail of good purposes! the care I had of that civil young man, I took fancy to this morning, (and have not left it yet) drew me to that exhortation, which drew the company, indeed, which drew the cut-purse; which drew the money; which drew my brother Cokes his loss; which drew on Wasp's anger; which drew on my beating: a pretty gradation! And they shall ha' it i'their dish, i'faith, at night for fruit: I love to be merry at my Table. I had thought once, at one special blow he ga'me, to have revealed myself? but then (I thank thee fortitude) I remembered that a wise man (and who is ever so great a part, o'the Commonwealth in himself) for no particular disaster ought to abandon a public good design. The husbandman ought not for one unthankful year, to forsake the plough; The Shepherd ought not, for one scabbed sheep, to throw by his tarbox; The Pilot ought not for one leak i'the poop, to quit the Helm; Nor the Alderman ought not for one costard more, at a meal, to give up his cloak; The Constable ought not to break his staff, and forswear the watch, for one roaring night; Nor the Piper o'the Parish (Vt parvis componere magna solebam) to put up his pipes, for one rainy Sunday. These are certain knocking conclusions; out of which, I am resolved, come what come can, come beating, come imprisonment, come infamy, come banishment, nay, come the rack, come the hurdle, (welcome all) I will not discover who I am, till my due time; and yet still, all shall be, as I said ever, in justice' name, and the King's, and for the Commonwealth.  WIN. 
What does he talk to himself, and act so seriously? poor fool!  QVAR. 
No matter what. Here's fresher argument, intend that.   

ACT. III. SCENE. IV.  COKES. LEATHERHEAD. WASPE. Mistress OVERDOO. WIN-WIFE. QVARLOUS. TRASH. GRACE. 
COme, Mistress Grace, come Sister, here's more fine sights, yet i'faith. God's 'slid where's Numps?  LEA. 
What do you lack, Gentlemen? what is't you buy? fine Rattles! Drums? Babies? little Dogs? and Birds for Ladies? What do you lack?  COK. 
Good honest Numpes, keep afore, I am so afraid thou'lt lose somewhat: my heart was at my mouth, when I missed thee.  WAS. 
You were best buy a whip i'your hand to drive me.  COK. 
Nay, do not mistake, Numps, thou art so apt to mistake: I would but watch the goods. Look you now, the treble fiddle, was e'en almost like to be lost.  WAS. 
Pray you take heed you lose not yourself: your best way, were e'en get up, and ride for more surety. Buy a token's worth of great pins, to fasten yourself to my shoulder.  LEA. 
What do you lack, Gentlemen? fine purses, pouches, pincases, pipes? What is't you lack? a pair o'smithes to wake you i'the morning? or a fine whistling bird?  COK. 
Numps, here be finer things than any we ha' bought by odds! and more delicate horses, a great deal! good Numpes, stay, and come hither.  WAS. 
Will you scorse with him? you are in Smithfield, you may fit yourself with a fine easy-going street-nag, for your saddle again' michaelmas-term, do, has he ne'er a little odd cart for you, to make a caroche on, i'the country, with four pied hobby-horses? why the measles, should you stand here, with your train, cheaping of Dogs, Birds, and Babies? you ha' no children to bestow 'em on? ha' you?  COK. 
No, but again' I ha' children, Numps, that's all one.  WAS. 
Do, do, do, do; how many shall you have, think you? an' I were as you, I'd buy for all my Tenants, too, they are a kind o' still Savages, that will part with their children for rattles, pipes, and knives. You were best buy a hatchet, or two, & truck with 'em.  COK. 
Good Numps, hold that little tongue o'thine, and save it a labour. I am resolute Bat, thou know'st.  WAS. 
A resolute fool, you are, I know, and a very sufficient Coxcomb; with all my heart; nay you have it, Sir, and you be angry, turd i'your teeth, twice: (if I said it not once afore) and much good do you.  WIN. 
Was there ever such a self-affliction? and so impertinent?  QVAR. 
Alas! his care will go near to crack him, let's in, and comfort him.  WAS. 
Would I had been set i'the ground, all but the head on me, and had my brains bowled at, or threshed out, when first I underwent this plague of a charge!  QVAR. 
How now, Numps! almost tired i'your Protectorship? overparted? overparted?  WAS. 
Why, I cannot tell, Sir, it may be I am, dost grieve you?  QVAR. 
No, I swear dost not, Numps: to satisfy you.  WAS. 
Numps? 'Sblood, you are fine and familiar! how long ha' we been acquainted, I pray you?  QVAR. 
I think it may be remembered, Numps, that? 'twas since morning sure.  WAS. 
Why, I hope I know't well enough, Sir, I did not ask to be told.  QVAR. 
No? why then?  WAS. 
It's no matter why, you see with your eyes, now, what I said to you today? you'll believe me another time?  QVAR. 
Are you removing the Fair, Numps?  WAS. 
A pretty question! and a very civil one! yes faith, I ha' my lading you see; or shall have anon, you may know whose beast I am, by my burden. If the pannier-man's jack were ever better known by his loins of mutton, I'll be flayed, and feed dogs for him, when his time comes.  WIN. 
How melancholi Mistress Grace is yonder! pray thee let's go enter ourselves in Grace, with her.  COK, 
Those six horses, friend I'll have—  WAS. 
How!  COK. 
And the three Jews trumps; and half a dozen o'Birds, and that Drum, (I have one Drum already) and your Smiths; I like that device o'your smiths, very pretty well, and four halberds— and (le'me see) that fine painted great Lady, and her three women for state, I'll have.  WAS. 
No, the shop; buy the whole shop, it will be best, the shop, the shop!  LEA. 
If his worship please.  WAS. 
Yes, and keep it during the Fair, Bobchin.  COK. 
Peace, Numps, friend, do not meddle with him, an' you be wise, and would show your head above board: he will sting thorough your wrought nightcap, believe me. A set of these violins, I would buy too, for a delicate young noise I have i'the country, that are every one a size less than another, just like your fiddles. I would fain have a fine young Masque at my marriage, now I think on't: but I do want such a number o'things. And Numps will not help me now, and I dare not speak to him.  TRA. 
Will your worship buy any gingerbread, very good bread, comfortable bread?  COK. 
Gingerbread! yes, let's see.  WAS. 
There's the other springe? 
He runs to her shop.   LEA. 
Is this well, goody Joan? to interrupt my market? in the midst? and call away my customers? can you answer this, at the piepowders?  TRA. 
Why? if his Mastership have a mind to buy, I hope my ware lies as open as fewer; I may show my ware, as well as you yours.  COK. 
Hold your peace; I'll content you both: I'll buy up his shop, and thy basket.  WAS. 
Will you i'faith?  LEA. 
Why should you put him from it, friend?  WAS. 
Cry you mercy! you'd be sold too, would you? what's the price on you? jerkin, and all as you stand? ha' you any qualities?  TRA. 
Yes, goodman angry-man, you shall find he has qualities, if you cheapen him.  WAS. 
God's so, you ha' the selling of him! what are they? will they be bought for love, or money?  TRA. 
No indeed, Sir.  WAS. 
For what then? victuals?  TRA. 
He scorns victuals, Sir, he has bread and butter at home, thanks be to God! and yet he will do more for a good meal, if the toy take him i'the belly, marry than they must not set him at lower end; if they do, he'll go away, though he fast. But put him atop o'the Table, where his place is, and he'll do you forty five things. He has not been sent for, and sought out for nothing, at your great city-suppers, to put down Coriat, and Cokeley, and been laughed at for his labour; he'll play you all the Puppets i'the town over, and the Players, every company, and his own company too; he spares nobody!  COK. 
I'faith?  TRA. 
He was the first, Sir, that ever baited the fellow i'the bear's skin, an't like your worship: no dog ever came near him, since. And for fine motions!  COK. 
Is he good at those too? can he set out a Masque trow?  TRA. 
O Lord, Master! sought to far, and near, for his inventions: and he engrosses all, he makes all the Puppets i'the Fair.  COK. 
Dost thou (in troth) old velvet jerkin? give me thy hand.  TRA. 
Nay, Sir, you shall see him in his velvet jerkin, and a scarf, too, at night, when you hear him interpret Master Littlewit's Motion.  COK. 
Speak no more, but shut up shop presently, friend. I'll buy both it, and thee too, to carry down with me, and her hamper, beside. Thy shop shall furnish out the Masque, and hers the Banquet: I cannot go less, to set out any thing with credit. what's the price, at a word, o'thy whole shop, case, and all as it stands?  LEA. 
Sir, it stands me in six and twenty shillings seven pence, halfpenny, besides three shillings for my ground.  COK. 
Well, thirty shillings will do all, then! And what comes yours too?  TRA. 
four shillings, and eleven pence, Sir, ground, and all, an't like your worship.  COK. 
Yes, it does like my worship very well, poor woman, that's five shillings more, what a Masque shall I furnish out, for forty shillings? (twenty pound scotch) and a Banquet of Gingerbread? there's a stately thing! Numps? Sister? and my wedding gloves too? (that I never thought on afore.) All my wedding gloves, Gingerbread? O me! what a device will there be? to make 'em eat their fingers ends! and delicate Brooches for the bridemen! and all! and then I'll ha' this poesy put to 'em: For the best grace, meaning Mistress Grace, my wedding poesy.  GRA. 
I am beholden to you, Sir, and to your Bartholmew-wit.  WAS. 
You do not mean this, do you? is this your first purchase?  COK. 
Yes faith, and I do not think, Numpes, but thou'lt say, it was the wisest Act, that ever I did in my wardship.  WAS. 
Like enough! I shall say any thing. I!   

ACT. III. SCENE. V.  JUSTICE. EDGWORTH. NIGHTINGALE. 
I Cannot beget a Project, with all my political brain, yet; my Project is how to fetch off this proper young man, from his debauched company: I have followed him all the Fair over, and still I find him with this songster: And I begin shrewdly to suspect their familiarity; and the young man of a terrible taint, Poetry! with which idle disease, if he be infected, there's no hope of him, in a state-course. Actum est, of him for a commonwealths-man: if he go to't in Rhyme, once.  EDG. 
Yonder he is buying o'Ginger-bread: set in quickly, before he part with too much on his money.  NIG. 
My masters and friends, and good people, draw near, &c.  COK. 
Ballads! hark, hark! pray thee, fellow, stay a little, 
He runs to the Ballad man.  good Numpes, look to the goods. What Ballads hast thou? let me see, let me see myself.  WAS. 
Why so! he's flown 'to another limebush, there he will flutter as long more; till he ha' ne'er a feather left. Is there a vexation like this, Gentlemen? will you believe me now, hereafter? shall I have credit with you?  QVAR. 
Yes faith, shalt thou, Numps, and thou art worthy on't, for thou sweatest for't. I never saw a young Pimp errant, and his Squire better matched.  WIN-W. 
Faith, the sister comes after'em, well, too.  GRA. 
Nay, if you saw the justice her husband, my Guardian, you were fitted for the Mess, he is such a wise one his way—  WIN-W. 
I wonder, we see him not here.  GRA. 
O! he is too serious for this place, and yet better sport than then the other three, I assure you, Gentlemen: where ere he is, though't be o'the Bench.  COK. 
How dost thou call it! A caveat against cutpurses! a good jest, i'faith, I would fain see that Daemon, your Cutpurse, you talk of, that delicate handed Devil; 
He shows his purse boastingly.  they say he walks hereabout; I would see him walk, now. Look you sister, here, here, let him come, sister, and welcome. Ballad-man, does any cutpurses haunt hereabout? pray thee raise me one or two: begin and show me one.  NIG. 
Sir, this is a spell against 'em, spick and span new; and 'tis made as 'twere in mine own person, and I sing it in mine own defence. But 'twill cost a penny alone, if you buy it.  COK. 
No matter for the price, thou dost not know me, I see, I am an odd Bartholmew.  OVE. 
hast a fine picture, Brother?  COK. 
O Sister, do you remember the ballads over the Nursery-chimney at home o' my own pasting up, there be brave pictures. Other manner of pictures, than these, friend.  WAS. 
Yet these will serve to pick the pictures out o' your pockets, you shall see.  COK. 
So, I heard 'em say. Pray thee mind him not, fellow: he'll have an oar in every thing.  NIG. 
It was intended Sir, as if a purse should chance to be cut in my presence, now, I may be blameless, though: as by the sequel, will more plainly appear.  COK. 
We shall find that i'the matter. Pray thee begin.  NIG. 
To the tune of Paggington's Pound, Sir.  COK. 
Fa, la la la, la la la, fa la la la. Nay, I'll put thee in tune, and all! mine own country dance! Pray thee begin.  NIG. 
It is a gentle admonition, you must know, Sir, both to the purse-cutter, and the purse-bearer.  COK. 
Not a word more, out o'the tune, an' thou lov'st me: Fa, la la la, la la la, fa la la la. Come, when?  NIG. 
My masters and friends, and good people draw near,  
And look to your purses, for that I do say;  COK. 
Ha, ha, this chimes! good counsel at first dash.  NIG. 
And though little money, in them you do bear.  
It cost more to get, than to lose in a day. COK. Good!  
You oft have been told,  
Both the young and the old; COK. Well said! he were to blame that would not i'faith.  
And bidden beware of the cutpurse so bold:  
Then if you take heed not, free me from the curse,  
Who both give you warning, for and, the cutpurse.  
Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starved by thy Nurse,  
Then live to be hanged for cutting a purse.  COK. 
Good i'faith, how say you, Numps? Is there any harm in'is?  NIG. 
It hath been upbraided to men of my trade, COK. The more coxcombs they that did it, I wiss.  
That often times we are the cause of this crime.  
Alack and for pity, why should it be said?  
As if they regarded or places, or time.  
Examples have been  
Of some that were seen,  
In Westminster Hall, yea the pleaders between, COK. God a mercy for that! why should they be more free indeed?  
Then why should the judges be free from this curse,  
More than my poor self, for cutting the purse?  
Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starved by the Nurse,  
Then live to be hanged for cutting a purse.  COK. 
That again, good Ballad-man, that again. O rare! 
He sings the burden with him.  I would fain rub mine elbow now, but I dare not pull out my hand. On, I pray thee, he that made this ballad, shall be Poet to my Masque.  NIG. 
At Worc'ter 'tis known well, and even i'the tail,  
A Knight of good worship did there show his face,  
Against the foul sinners, in zeal for to rail,  
And lost (ipso facto) his purse in the place. COK. Is it possible?  
Nay, once from the Seat  
Of judgement so great,  
A judge there did lose a fair pouch of velvet. COK. I'faith?  
O Lord for thy mercy, how wicked or worse,  
Are those that so venture their necks for a purse! Youth, youth, &c.  COK. 
Youth, youth, & c? pray thee stay a little, friend, yet o'thy conscience, Numps, speak, is there any harm in'is?  WAS. 
To tell you true, 'tis too good for you, less you had grace to follow it.  IVS. 
It doth discover enormity, I'll mark it more: I ha' not liked a paltry piece of poetry, so well a good while.  COK. 
Youth, youth, & c! where's this youth, now? A man must call upon him, for his own good, and yet he will not appear: look here, here's for him, handy-dandy, 
He shows his purse.  which hand will he have? On, I pray there, with the rest, I do hear of him, but I cannot see him, this Master Youth, the cutpurse.  NIG. 
At Plays and at Sermons, and at the Sessions,  
'Tis daily their practice such booty to make:  
Yea, under the Gallows, at Executions,  
They stick not the stare-abouts' purses to take.  
Nay one without-grace, COK. That was a fine fellow! I would have him, now.  
at a better place,  
At Court, & in Christmas, before the king's face,  
Alack then for pity must I bear the curse,  
That only belongs to the cunning cutpurse?  COK. 
But where's their cunning, now, when they should use it? they are all chained now, I warrant you. Youth, youth, thou hadst better, &c. The rat-catcher charm, are all fools and Asses to this! A pox on 'em, that they will not come! that a man should have such a desire to a thing, and want it.  QVAR. 
'Fore God, I'd give half the Fair, and 'twere mine, for a cutpurse for him, to save his longing.  COK. 
Look you Sister, here, here, where is't now? 
He shows his purse again.  which pocket is't in? for a wager?  WAS. 
I beseech you leave your wagers, and let him end his matter, an't may be.  COK. 
O, are you edified Numps?  IVS. 
Indeed he does interrupt him, too much: There Numps spoke to purpose.  COK. 

again.  Sister, I am an Ass, I cannot keep my purse: on, on; I pray thee, friend.  NIG. 
But O, you vile nation of cutpurses all,  
Relent and repent, and amend and be sound,  

Edgworth gets up to him, and tickles him in the care with a straw twice to draw his hand out of his pocket.  And know that you ought not, by honest men's fall,  
Advance your own fortunes, to die above ground,  
And though you go gay,  
In silks as you may,  
It is not the high way to heaven, (as they say)  
Repent then, repent you, for better, for worse:  
And kiss not the Gallows for cutting a purse.  
Youth, youth, thou hadst better been starved by thy Nurse,  
Then live to be hanged for cutting a purse.  WINW. 
Will you see sport? look, there's a fellow gathers up to him, mark.  QVA. 
Good, i' faith! o he has lighted on the wrong pocket. WINW. He has it, 'fore God he is a brave fellow; pity he should be detected.  ALL 
An excellent ballad! an excellent ballad!  EDG. 
Friend, let me ha' the first, let me ha' the first, I pray you.  COK. 
Pardon me, Sir. First come, first served; and I'll buy the whole bundle too.  WIN. 
That conveyance was better than all, did you see't? he has given the purse to the ballad-singer.  QVAR. 
Has he?  EDG. 
Sir, I cry you mercy; I'll not hinder the poor man's profit: pray you mistake me not.  COK. 
Sir, I take you for an honest Gentleman; if that be mistaking, I met you today afore: ha! humh! O God! my purse is gone, my purse, my purse, &c.  WAS. 
Come, do not make a stir, and cry yourself an Ass, thorough the Fair afore your time.  COK. 
Why, hast thou it, Numpes? good Numpes, how came you by it? I mar'le!  WAS. 
I pray you seek some other gamester, to play the fool with: you may lose it time enough, for all your fair-wit.  COK. 
By this good hand, glove and all, I ha' lost it already, if thou hast it not: feel else, and Mistress Grace's handkercher, too, out o'the tother pocket.  WAS. 
Why, 'tis well; very well, exceeding pretty, and well.  EDG. 
Are you sure you ha' lost it, Sir?  COK. 
O God! yes; as I am an honest man, I had it but e'en now, at youth, youth.  NIG. 
I hope you suspect not me, Sir.  EDG. 
Thee? that were a jest indeed! Dost thou think the Gentleman is foolish? where hadst thou hands, I pray thee? Away Ass, away.  IVS. 
I shall be beaten again, if I be spied.  EDG. 
Sir, I suspect an odd fellow, yonder, is stealing away.  OVE. 
Brother, it is the preaching fellow! you shall suspect him. He was at your other purse, you know! Nay, stay, Sir, and view the work you ha'done, an'you be beneficed at the Gallows, and preach there, thank your own handiwork.  COK. 
Sir, you shall take no pride in your preferment: you shall be silenced quickly.  IVS. 
What do you mean? sweet buds of gentility.  COK. 
To ha' my pennyworths out on you: Bud. No less than two purses a day, serve you? I thought you a simple fellow, when my man Numpes beat you, i'the morning, and pitied you—  OVE. 
So did I, I'll be sworn, brother; but now I see he is a lewd, and pernicious Enormity: (as Master Overdoo calls him.)  IVS. 
Mine own words turned upon me, like swords.  COK. 
Cannot a man's purse be at quiet for you, i'the Master's pocket, but you must entice it forth, and debauch it?  WAS. 
Sir, Sir, keep your debauch, and your fine Bartholmew-terms to yourself; and make as much on'em as you please. But gi'me this from you, i'the mean time: I beseech you, see if I can look to this. 
Wasp takes the Licence from him.   COK. 
Why, Numps?  WAS. 
Why? because you are an Ass, Sir, there's a reason the shortest way, and you will needs ha' it; now you ha'got the trick of losing, you'd lose your breech, an't 'twere loose. I know you, Sir, come, deliver, you'll go and crack the vermin, you breed now, will you? 'tis very fine, will you ha' the truth on't? they are such reckless flies as you are, that blow cutpurses abroad in every corner; your foolish having of money, makes 'em. An' there were no wiser than I, Sir, the trade should lie open for you, Sir, it should i'faith, Sir. I would teach your wit to come to your head, Sir, as well as your land to come into your hand, I assure you, Sir.  WIN. 
Alack, good Numps.  WAS. 
Nay, Gentlemen, never pity me, I am not worth it: Lord send me at home once, to Harrow o'the Hill again, if I travel any more, call me Coriat; with all my heart.  QVAR. 
Stay, Sir, I must have a word with you in private. Do you hear?  EDG. 
With me, Sir? what's your pleasure? good Sir.  QVAR. 
Do not deny it. You are a cutpurse, Sir, this Gentleman here, and I, saw you, nor do we mean to detect you (though we can sufficiently inform ourselves, toward the danger of concealing you) but you must do us a piece of service.  EDG. 
Good Gentlemen, do not undo me; I am a civil young man, and but a beginner, indeed.  QVAR. 
Sir, your beginning shall bring on your ending, for us. We are no Catchpoles nor Constables. That you are to undertake, is this; you saw the old fellow, with the black box, here?  EDG. 
The little old Governor, Sir?  QVAR. 
That same: I see, you have flown him to a mark already. I would ha'you get away that box from him, and bring it us.  EDG. 
Would you ha' the box and all, Sir? or only that, that is in't? I'll get you that, and leave him the box, to play with still: (which will be the harder o'the two) because I would gain your worship's good opinion of me.  WIN-W. 
He says well, 'tis the greater Mastery, and 'twill make the more sport when 'tis missed.  EDG. 
ay, and 'twill be the longer a missing, to draw on the sport.  QVAR. 
But look you do it now, sirrah, and keep your word: or—  EDG. 
Sir, if ever I break my word, with a Gentleman, may I never read word at my need. Where shall I find you?  QVAR. 
Somewhere i'the Fair, hereabouts. Dispatch it quickly. I would fain see the careful fool deluded! of all Beasts, I love the serious Ass. He that takes pains to be one, and plays the fool, with the greatest diligence that can be.  GRA. 
Then you would not chose, Sir, but love my Guardian, justice Overdo, who is answerable to that description, in every hair of him.  QVAR. 
So I have heard. But how came you, mistress Welborne, to be his Ward? or have relation to him, at first?  GRA. 
Faith, through a common calamity, he bought me, Sir; and now he will marry me to his wife's brother, this wise Gentleman, that you see, or else I must pay value o'my land  QVAR. 
'Slid, is there no device of disparagement? or so? talk with some crafty fellow, some picklock o'the Law! Would I had studied a year longer i'the Inns of Court, an't had been but i'your case.  WIN-W. 
I Master Quarlous, are you proffering?  GRA. 
You'd bring but little aid, Sir.  WIN-W. 
(I'll look to you i'faith, Gamester.) An unfortunate foolish Tribe you are fall'n into, Lady, I wonder you can endure 'em.  GRA. 
Sir, they that cannot work their fetters off; must wear 'em.  WINW. 
You see what care they have on you, to leave you thus.  GRA. 
Faith the same they have of themselves, Sir. I cannot greatly complain, if this were all the plea I had against 'em.  WIN. 
'Tis true! but will you please to withdraw with us, a little, and make them think, they have lost you. I hope our manners ha' been such hitherto, and our language, as will give you no cause, to doubt yourself, in our company.  GRA. 
Sir, I will give myself, no cause; I am so secure of mine own manners, as I suspect not yours.  QVAR. 
Look where john Littlewit comes.  WIN-W. 
Away, I'll not be seen, by him.  QVAR. 
No, you were not best, he'd tell his mother, the widow.  WIN W. 
Heat, what do you mean?  QVAR. 
Cry you mercy, is the wind there? must not the widow be named?   

ACT. III SCENE. VI.  JOHN. WIN. TRASH. LEATHERHEAD. KNOCKHUM. BVSY. PURE CRAFT. 
do you hear Win, Win?  WIN. 
What say you, john?  IOH. 
While they are paying the reckoning, Win, I'll tell you a thing Win, we shall never see any sights i'the Fair, Win, except you long still, Win, good Win, sweet Win, long to see some Hobby-horses, and some Drums, and Rattles, and Dogs, and fine devices, Win. The Bull with the five legs, Win; and the great Hog: now you ha' begun with Pig, you may long for any thing, Win, and so for my Motion, Win.  WIN. 
But we sha'not eat o'the Bull, and the Hog, john, how shall I long then?  IOH. 
O yes! Win: you may long to see, as well as to taste, Win: how did the pothecary's wife, Win, that longed to see the Anatomy, Win? or the Lady, Win, that desired to spit i'the great lawyer's mouth, after an eloquent pleading? I assure you they longed, Win, good Win, go in, and long.  TRA. 
I think we are rid of our new customer, brother Leatherhead, we shall hear no more of him. 
They plot to be gone.   LEA. 
All the better, let's pack up all, and be gone, before he find us  TRA. 
Stay a little, yonder comes a company: it may be we may take some more money.  KNO, 
Sir, I will take your counsel, and cut my hair, and leave vapours: I see, that Tobacco, and Bottle-Ale, and Pig, and Whit, and very Ursla, herself, is all vanity.  BVS. 
Only Pig was not comprehended in my admonition, the rest were. For long hair, it is an Ensign of pride, a banner, and the world is full of those banners, very full of Banners. And, bottle-ale is a drink of Sathan's, a diet-drink of Satan's, devised to puff us up, and make us swell in this latter age of vanity, as the smoke of tobacco, to keep us in mist and error: But the fleshly woman, (which you call Ursla) is above all to be avoided, having the marks upon her, of the three enemies of Man, the World, as being in the Fair; the Devil, as being in the fire; and and the Flesh, as being herself.  PVR. 
Brother Zeal-of-the-land! what shall we do? my daughter Win-the-fight, is fall'n into her fit of longing again.  BVS. 
For more pig? there is no more, is there?  PVR. 
To see some sights, i' the Fair.  BVS. 
Sister, let her fly the impurity of the place, swiftly, lest she partake of the pitch thereof. Thou art the seat of the Beast, O Smithfield, and I will leave thee. Idolatry peepeth out on every side of thee.  KNO. 
An excellent right Hypocrite! now his belly is full, he falls a railing and kicking, the jade. A very good vapour! I'll in, and joy Ursla, with telling, how her pig works, two and a half he eat to his share. And he has drunk a pailful. He eats with his eyes, as well as his teeth.  LEA. 
What do you lack, Gentlemen? What is't you buy? Rattles, Drums, Babies.—  BVS. 
Peace, with thy Apocryphal wares, thou profane Publican: thy Bells, thy Dragons, and thy Tobie's Dogs. Thy Hobby-horse is an Idol, a very Idol, a fierce and rank Idol: And thou, the Nabuchadnezzar, the proud Nabuchadnezzar of the Fair, that settest it up, for children to fall down to, and worship.  LEA. 
Cry you mercy, Sir, will you buy a fiddle to fill up your noise.  IOH. 
Look Win. do, look a God's name, and save your longing. Here be fine sights.  PVR. 
I child, so you hate 'em, as our Brother Zeal does, you may look on 'em.  LEA. 
Or what do you say, to a Drum. Sir?  BVS. 
It is the broken belly of the Beast, and thy Bellows there are his lungs, and these Pipes are his throat, those Feathers are of his tail, and thy Rattles, the gnashing of his teeth.  TRA. 
And what's my gingerbread? I pray you.  BVS. 
The provender that pricks him up. Hence with thy basket of Popery, thy nest of Images: and whole legend of ginger-work.  LEA. 
Sir if you be not quiet, the quicklier, I'll ha'you clapped fairly by the heels, for disturbing the Fair.  BVS. 
The sin of the Fair provokes me, I cannot be silent.  PVR. 
Good brother Zeal!  LEA. 
Sir, I'll make you silent, believe it.  IOH. 
I'd give a shilling, you could i'faith, friend.  LEA. 
Sir, give me your shilling, I'll give you my shop, if I do not, and I'll leave it in pawn with you, i'the mean time.  IOH. 
A match i'faith, but do it quickly, then.  BVS. 
Hinder me not, woman. I was moved in spirit, 
He speaks to the widow.  to be here, this day, in this Fair, this wicked, and foul Fair; and fitter may it be a called a foul, than a Fair: To protest against the abuses of it, the foul abuses of it, in regard of the afflicted Saints, that are troubled, very much troubled, exceedingly troubled, with the opening of the merchandise of Babylon again, & the peeping of Popery upon the stalls, here, here, in the high places. See you not Goldilocks, the purple strumpet, there? in her yellow gown, and green sleeves? the profane pipes, the tinkling timbrels? A shop of relics!  IOH. 
Pray you forbear, I am put in trust with 'em.  BVS. 
And this Idolatrous Grove of Images, this flasket of Idols! 
Overthrows the gingerbread.  which I will pull down—  
(TRA. O my ware, my ware, God bless it.)  BVS. 
In my zeal, and glory to be thus exercised.  LEA. 
Here he is, pray you lay hold on his zeal, we cannot sell a whistle, for him, in tune. Stop his noise, first!  BVS. 
Thou canst not: 'tis a sanctified noise. 
Leatherhead enters with officers  I will make a loud and most strong noise, till I have daunted the profane enemy. And for this cause.—  LEA. 
Sir, here's no man afraid of you, or your cause. You shall swear it, i'the stocks, Sir.  BVS. 
I will thrust myself into the stocks, upon the pikes of the Land.  LEA. 
Carry him away.  PVR. 
What do you mean, wicked men?  BVS. 
Let them alone; I fear them not.  IOH. 
Was not this shilling well ventured, Win? for our liberty? Now we may go play, and see over the Fair, where we list ourselves; my mother is gone after him, and let her e'en go, and lose us.  WIN. 
Yes john, but I know not what to do.  IOH. 
For what, Win?  WIN. 
For a thing, I am ashamed to tell you, i'faith, and 'tis too far to go home.  IOH. 
I pray thee be not ashamed, Win. Come, i'faith thou shall not be ashamed, is it any thing about the Hobby-horse-man? an't be, speak freely.  WIN. 
Hang him, base Bobchin, I scorn him; no, I have very great, what sha' call'em, john.  IOH. 
o! Is that all, Win? we'll go back to Captain jordan; to the pig-woman's, Win. he'll help us, or she with a dripping pan, or an old kettle, or something. The poor greasy soul loves you, Win, and after we'll visit the Fair all over, Win, and, see my Puppet play, Win, you know it's a fine matter, Win.  LEA. 
Let's away, I counselled you to pack up afore, Joan.  TRA. 
A pox of his Bedlam purity. He has spoiled half my ware: but the best is, we lose nothing, if we miss our first Merchant.  LEA. 
It shall be hard for him to find, or know us, when we are translated, Joan.   

ACT. IV. SCENE. I.  TROVBLE-ALL. BRISTLE. HAGGISE, COKES. JUSTICE. POCHER, BVSY. PURECRAFT. 
MY Masters, I do make no doubt, but you are officers.  BRI. 
What then, Sir?  TRO. 
And the Kings loving, and obedient subjects.  BRI. 
Obedient, friend? take heed what you speak, I advise you: Oliver Bristle advises you. His loving subjects, we grant you: but not his obedient, at this time, by your leave, we know ourselves, a little better than so, we are to command, Sr. and such as you are to be obedient. Here's one of his obedient subjects, going to the stocks, and we'll make you such another, if you talk.  TRO. 
You are all wise enough i'your places, I know.  BRI. 
If you know it, Sir, why do you bring it in question?  TRO. 
I question nothing, pardon me. I do only hope you have warrant, for what you do, and so, quit you, and so, multiply you.  HAG. 

He goes away again.  What's he? bring him up to the stocks there. Why bring you him not up?  TRO. 
If you have justice Ouerdoo's warrant, 'tis well: 
comes again.  you are safe; that is the warrant of warrants. I'll not give this button, for any man's warrant else.  BRI. 
Like enough, Sir, but let me tell you, an' you play away your buttons, thus, you will want 'em ere night, 
goes away.  for any store I see about you: you might keep 'em, and save pins, I wiss.  IVS. 
What should he be, that doth so esteem, and advance my warrant? he seems a sober and discreet person! it is a comfort to a good conscience, to be followed with a good fame, in his sufferings. The world will have a pretty taste by this, how I can bear adversity: and it will beget a kind of reverence, toward me, hereafter, even from mine enemies, when they shall see I carry my calamity nobly, and that it doth neither break me, nor bend me.  HAG. 
Come, Sir, here's a place for you to preach in. 
They put him in the stocks.  Will you put in your leg?  IVS. 
That I will, cheerfully.  BRI. 
O'my conscience a Seminary! he kisses the stocks.  COK. 
Well my Masters, I'll leave him with you; now I see him bestowed, I'll go look for my goods, and Numps.  HAG. 
You may, Sir, I warrant you; where's the other Bawler? fetch him too, you shall find 'em both fast enough.  IVS. 
In the midst of this tumult, I will yet be the Author of mine own rest, and not minding their fury, sit in the stocks, in that calm, as shall be able to trouble a Triumph.  TRO. 
Do you assure me upon your words? 
comes again,  may I undertake for you, if I be asked the question; that you have this warrant?  HAG. 
What's this fellow, for God's sake?  TRO. 
Do but show me Adam Overdoo, and I am satisfied. 
goes out.   BRI. 
He is a fellow that is distracted, they say; one Trouble-all. he was an officer in the Court of Pie-poulders, here last year, and put out on his place by justice Overdoo.  IVS. 
Ha!  BRI. 
Upon which, he took an idle conceit, and's run mad upon't. So that ever since, he will do nothing, but by justice Ouerdoo's warrant, he will not eat a crust, nor drink a little, nor make him in his apparel, ready. His wife, Sirreverence, cannot get him make his water, or shift his shirt, without his warrant.  IVS. 
If this be true, this is my greatest disaster! how am I bound to satisfy this poor man, that is of so good a nature to me, out of his wits! where there is no room left for dissembling. 
comes in.   TRO. 
If you cannot show me Adam Overdoo, I am in doubt of you: I am afraid you cannot answer it.  HAG. 
Before me, 
goes again.  Neighbour Bristle (and now I think on't better) justice Overdoo, is a very parantory person.  BRI. 
O! are you advised of that? and a severe justicer, by your leave.  IVS. 
Do I hear ill of'at side, too?  BRI. 
He will sit as upright o'the bench, an' you mark him, as a candle i'the socket, and give light to the whole Court in every business.  HAG. 
But he will burn blue, and swell like a boil (God bless us) an' he be angry.  BRI.. 
ay, and he will be angry too, when his list, that's more: and when he is angry, be it right or wrong; he has the Law on's side, ever. I mark that too.  IVS. 
I will be more tender hereafter. I see compassion may become a justice, though it be a weakness, I confess; and nearer a vice, than a virtue.  HAG. 

They take the justice out.  Well, take him out o' the stocks again, we'll go a sure way to work, we'll ha' the Ace of hearts of our side, if we can.  POC. 
Come, bring him away to his fellow, there. Master Busy, we shall rule your legs, I hope, though we cannot rule your tongue.  BVS. 
No, Minister of darkness, no, thou canst not rule my tongue, my tongue it is mine own; and with it I will both knock and mock down your Bartholmew abominations, till you 〈◊〉 made a hissing to the neighbour Parishes, round about.  HAG. 
Let him alone, we have devised better upon't.  PVR. 
And shall he not into the stocks then?  BRI. 
No, Mistress, we'll have 'em both to justice Overdoo, and let him do over 'em as is fitting. Then I, and my gossip Haggis, and my beadle poacher are discharged.  PVR. 
O, I thank you, blessed, honest men!  BRI. 
Nay, never thank us, but thank this madman that comes here, he put it in our heads.  PVR. 
Is he mad? Now heaven increase his madness, and bless it, 
Comes again.  and thank it, Sir, your poor handmaid thanks you.  TRO. 
Have you a warrant? an' you have a warrant, show it.  PVR. 
Yes, I have a warrant out of the word, to give thanks for removing any scorn intended to the brethren.  TRO. 
It is justice Ouerdoo's warrant, that I look for, if you have not that, keep your word, I'll keep mine. Quit ye, and multiply ye.   

ACT. IV. SCENE. II.  EDGWORTH. TROVBLE-ALL. NIGHTINGALE. COKES. COSTARD-monger. 
COme away Nightingale, I pray thee.  TRO. 
Whither go you? where's your warrant?  EDG. 
Warrant, for what, Sir?  TRO. 
For what you go about, you know how fit it is, an' you have no warrant, bless you, I'll pray for you, 
Goes out.  that's all I can do.  EDG. 
What means he?  NIG. 
A madman that haunts the Fair, do you not know him? its marvel he has not more followers, after his ragged heels.  EDG. 
Beshrew him, he startled me: I thought he had known of our plot. Guilt's a terrible thing! ha' you prepared the Costard-monger?  NIG. 
Yes, and agreed for his basket of pears; he is at the corner here, ready. And your prize, he comes down, sailing, that way, all alone; without his Protector: he is rid of him, it seems.  EDG. 
ay, I know; I should ha' followed his Protectorship for a feat I am to do upon him: But this offered itself, so i'the way, I could not let it scape: here he comes, whistle, 
Nightingale whistles  be this sport called Dorring the dotterel.  NIG. 
Wh, wh, wh, wh, &c.  COK. 
By this light, I cannot find my gingerbread-wife, nor my Hobby-horse-man in all the Fair, now; to ha' my money again. And I do not know the way out on't, to go home for more, do you hear, friend, you that whistle; what tune is that, you whistle?  NIG. 
A new tune, I am practising, Sir.  COK. 
Dost thou know where I dwell, I pray thee? nay, on with thy tune, I ha' no such haste, for an answer: I'll practise with thee. 
Nightingale sets his foot afore him, and he falls with his basket.   COS. 
Buy any pears, very fine pears, pears fine.  COK. 
God's so! a musse, a musse, a musse, a musse.  COS. 
Good Gentleman, my ware, my ware, I am a poor man. Good Sir, my ware.  NIG. 

Cokes falls a scrambling whilst they run away with his things.  Let me hold your sword, Sir, it troubles you.  COK. 
Do, and my cloak, an'thou wilt; and my hat, too.  EDG. 
A delicate great boy! methinks, he out-scrambles 'em all. I cannot persuade myself, but he goes to grammar-school yet; and plays the truant, today.  NIG. 
Would he had another purse to cut, Zekiel.  EDG. 
Purse? a man might cut out his kidneys, I think; and he never feel 'em, he is so earnest at the sport.  NIG. 
His soul is half way out on's body, at the game.  EDG. 
Away, Nightingale: that way.  COK. 
I think I am furnished for Catherne pears, for one undermeal: gi'me my cloak.  COS. 
Good Gentleman, give me my ware.  COK. 
Where's the fellow, I give my cloak to? my cloak? and my hat? 
He runs out.  ha! Gods'lid, is he gone? thieves, thieves, help me to cry, Gentlemen.  EDG. 
Away, Costermonger, come to us to Ursla's. Talk of him to have a soul? 'heart, if he have any more than a thing given him in stead of salt, only to keep him from stinking, I'll be hanged afore my time, presently, where should it be trow? in his blood; he has not so much toward it in his whole body, as will maintain a good Flea; And if he take this course, he will not ha' so much land left, as to rear a Calf within this twelvemonth. Was there ever green Plover so pulled! That his little Overseer had been here now, and been but tall enough, to see him steal pears, in exchange, for his beaver-hat, and his cloak thus? I must go find him out, next, for his black box, and his Patent (it seems) he has of his place; which I think the Gentleman would have a reversion of; that spoke to me for it so earnestly.  COK. 

He comes again.  Would I might lose my doublet, and hose, too; as I am an honest man, and never stir, if I think there be any thing, but thieving, and cozening, in'is whole Fair, Bartholmew-fair, quoth he; an' ever any Bartholmew had that luck in't, that I have had, I'll be martyred for him, 
throws away his pears.  and in Smithfield, too. I ha' paid for my pears, a rot on 'em, I'll keep 'em no longer; you were choke-pears to me; I had been better ha'gone to mum chance for you, I wiss. methinks the Fair should not have used me thus, and 'twere but for my name's sake, I would not ha' used a dog o'the name, so. O, Numps will triumph, now! Friend, do you know who I am? or where I lie? I do not myself, I'll be sworn. Do but carry me home, and I'll please thee, I ha' money enough there, I ha' lost myself, and my cloak and my hat; and my fine sword, and my sister, and Numps, and Mistress Grace, (a Gentlewoman that I should ha' married) and a cutwork handkercher, she give me, and two purses today. And my bargain o'Hobby-horses and Gingerbread, which grieves me worst of all.  TRO. 

Trouble-all comes again.  By whose warrant, Sir, have you done all this?  COK. 
Warrant? thou art a wise fellow, indeed, as if a man need a warrant to lose any thing, with.  TRO. 
Yes, justice Ouerdo's warrant, a man may get, and lose with, I'll stand to't.  COK. 
justice Overdoo? Dost thou know him? I lie there, he is my brother in Law, he married my sister: pray thee show me the way, dost thou know the house?  TRO. 
Sir, show me your warrant, I know nothing without a warrant, pardon me.  COK. 
Why, I warrant thee, come along: thou shalt see, I have wrought pillows there, and cambric sheets, and sweet bags, too. Pray thee guide me to the house.  TRO. 
Sir, I'll tell you; go you thither yourself, first, alone; tell your worshipful brother your mind: and but bring me three lines of his hand, or his Clerks, with Adam Overdoo, underneath; here I'll stay you, I'll obey you, and I'll guide you presently.  COK. 
'Slid, this is an Ass, I ha' found him, pox upon me, what do I talking to such a dull fool; farewell, you are a very Coxcomb, do you hear?  TRO. 
I think, I am, if justice Overdoo sign to it, I am, and so we are all, he'll quit us all, multiply us all.    


ACT. IIII.  
SCENE. IV.  GRACE. QVARLOUS. WIN-WIFE. 
They enter with their swords drawn.  TROVBLE-ALL. EDGWORTH. 
GEntlemen, this is no way that you take: you do but breed one another trouble, and offence, and give me no contentment at all. I am no she, that affects to be quarrelled for, or have my name or fortune made the question of men's swords.  QVA. 
'sblood, we love you.  GRA. 
If you both love me, as you pretend, your own reason will tell you, but one can enjoy me; and to that point, there leads a directer line, then by my infamy, which must follow, if you fight. 'Tis true, I have professed it to you ingenuously, that rather than to be yoked with this Bridegroom is appointed me, I would take up any husband, almost upon any trust. Though Subtlety would say to me, (I know) he is a fool, and has an estate, and I might govern him, and enjoy a friend, beside. But these are not my aims, I must have a husband I must love, or I cannot live with him. I shall ill make one of these politic wives!  WIN-W. 
Why, if you can like either of us, Lady, say, which is he, and the other shall swear instantly to desist.  QVA. 
Content, I accord to that willingly.  GRA. 
Sure you think me a woman of an extreme levity, Gentlemen, or a strange fancy, that (meeting you by chance in such a place, as this, both at one instant, and not yet of two hours' acquaintance, neither of you deserving afore the other, of me) I should so forsake my modesty (though I might affect one more particularly) as to say, This is he, and name him.  QVA. 
Why, wherefore should you not? What should hinder you?  GRA. 
If you would not give it to my modesty, allow it yet to my wit; give me so much of woman, and cunning, as not to betray myself impertinently. How can I judge of you, so far as to a choice, without knowing you more? you are both equal, and alike to me, yet: and so indifferently affected by me, as each of you might be the man, if the other were away. For you are reasonable creatures, you have understanding, and discourse. And if fate send me an understanding husband, I have no fear at all, but mine own manners shall make him a good one.  QVAR. 
Would I were put forth to making for you, then.  GRA. 
It may be you are, you know not what's toward you: will you consent to a motion of mine, Gentlemen?  WINW. 
whatever it be, we'll presume reasonableness, coming from you.  QVAR. 
And fitness, too.  GRA. 
I saw one of you buy a pair of tables, e'en now.  WIN-W. 
Yes, here they be, and maiden ones too, unwritten in.  GRA. 
The fitter for what they may be employed in. You shall write either of you, here, a word, or a name, what you like best; but of two, or three syllables at most: and the next person that comes this way (because Destiny has a high hand in business of this nature) I'll demand, which of the two words, he, or she doth approve; and according to that sentence, fix my resolution, and affection, without change.  QVAR. 
Agreed, my word is conceived already.  WIN-W. 
And mine shall not be long creating after.  GRA. 
But you shall promise, Gentlemen, not to be curious to know, which of you it is, taken; but give me leave to conceal that till you have brought me, either home, or where I may safely tender myself.  WIN-W 
Why that's but equal.  QVAR. 
we are pleased.  GRA. 
Because I will bind both your endeavours to work together, friendly, and jointly, each to the other's fortune, and have myself fitted with some means, to make him that is forsaken, a part of amends.  QVAR. 
These conditions are very courteous. Well my word is out of the Arcadia, then: Argalus.  WIN-W. 
And mine out of the play, Palemon.  TRO. 
Have you any warrant for this, Gentlemen? 
Trouble-all comes again.   QVAR. WIN-W. 
Ha!  TRO. 
There must be a warrant had, believe it.  WIN-W. 
For what?  TRO. 
For whatsoever it is, any thing indeed, no matter what.  QVA. 
'Slight, here's a fine ragged Prophet, dropped down ''the nick!  TRO. 
Heaven quit you, Gentlemen.  QVA. 
Nay, stay a little, good Lady, put him to the question.  GRA. 
You are content, then?  WIN-W. QVAR. 
Yes yes.  GRA. 
Sir, here are two names written—  TRO. 
Is Iudice Overdoo, one?  GRA. 
How, Sir? I pray you read 'em to yourself, it is for a wager between these Gentlemen, and with a stroke or any difference, mark which you approve best.  TRO. 
They may be both worshipful names for aught I know, Mistress, but Adam Overdoo had been worth three of 'em, I assure you, in this place, that's in plain english.  GRA. 
This man amazes me! I pray you, like one of 'em, Sir.  TRO. 
I do like him there, that has the best warrant, Mistress, to save your longing, and (multiply him) It may be this. But I am I still for justice Overdoo, that's my conscience. And quit you.  WIN-W. 
Is't done, Lady?  GRA. 
ay, and strangely, as ever I saw! What fellow is this trow?  QVA. 
No matter what, a Fortune-teller we ha' made him. Which is't, which is't.  GRA. 
Nay, did you not promise, not to inquire?  QVA. 
'Slid, I forgot that, pray you pardon me. Look, here's our Mercury come: The Licence arrives i'the finest time, too! 'tis but scraping out Cokes his name, and 'tis done.  WIN-W. 
How now lime-twig? hast thou touched.  EDG. 
Not yet, Sir, except you would go with me, and see't, it's not worth speaking on. The act is nothing, without a witness. Yonder he is, your man with the box fall'n into the finest company, and so transported with vapours, they ha' got in a Northern Clothier, and one Puppy, a Western man, that's come to wrestle before my Lord Maior, anon, and Captain Whit, and one Val Cutting, that helps Captain jordan to roar, a circling boy: with whom your Numps, is so taken, that you may strip him of his clothes, if you will. I'll undertake to geld him for you; if you had but a Surgeon, ready, to fear him. And Mistress justice, there, is the goodest woman! she does so love 'em all over, in terms of justice, and the Style of authority, with her hood upright— that I beseech you come away Gentlemen, and see't.  QVAR. 
'Slight, I would not lose it for the Fair, what'll you do, Ned?  WIN-W. 
Why, stay here about for you, Mistress Welborne must not be seen.  QVA. 
Do so, and find out a Priest i'the mean time, I'll bring the Licence. Lead, which way is't?  EDG. 
Here, Sir, you are o'the backside o'the Booth already, you may hear the noise.   

ACT. IV. SCENE. IV.  KNOCKHUM. NORDERN. Puppy. CUTTING. WHIT. EDGWORTH. QVARLOUS. OVERDOO. WASPE. BRISTLE. 
WHit, bid Vall Cutting continue the vapours for a lift, Whit, for a lift.  NOR. 
I'll x mare, I'll x mare, the eale's too meeghty.  KNO. 
How now! my Galloway Nag, the staggers? ha! Whit, gi' him a slit i'the forehead. Cheer up, man, a needle, and thread to stitch his ears. I'd cure him now an' II had it, with a little butter, and garlic, long-pepper, and grains. Where's my horn? I'll gi' him a mash, presently, shall take away this dizziness.  PVP. 
Why, where are you zurs? do you flinch, and leave us i'the zuds, now?  NOR. 
I'll x mare, I'is e'en as vull as a paper bag, by my troth, I.  PVP. 
Do my Northern cloth shrink i'the wetting? ha?  KNO. 
Why, well said, old Flea-bitten, thou'lt never tire, I see.  CVT. 

They fall to their vapours, again.  No, Sir, but he may tire, if it please him.  WHI. 
Who told dee sho? that he vuld never teer, man?  CVT. 
No matter who told him so, so long as he knows.  KNO. 
Nay, I know nothing, Sir, pardon me there.  EDG. 
They are at it still, Sir, this they call vapours.  WHI. 
He shall not pardon dee, Captain, dou shalt not be pardoned. Pre'de shweete heart do not pardon him.  CVT. 
'Slight, I'll pardon him, an' II list, whosoever says nay to't.  QVAR. 
Where's Numps? I miss him. 
Here they continue their game of vapours, which is non sense. Every man to oppose the last man that spoke: whether it concerned him, or no.   WAS. 
Why, I say nay to't.  QVAR. 
O there he is!  KNO. 
To what do you say nay, Sir?  WAS. 
To any thing, whatsoever it is, so long as I do not like it.  WHI. 
Pardon me, little man, dou musht like it a little.  CVT. 
No, he must not like it at all, Sir, there you are i'the wrong.  WHI. 
I tinke I be, he musht not like it, indeed.  CVT. 
Nay, than he both must, and will like it, Sir, for all you.  KNO. 
If he have reason, he may like it, Sir.  WHI. 
By no meansh Captain, upon reason, he may like nothing upon reason.  WAS. 
I have no reason, nor I will hear of no reason, nor I will look for no reason, and he is an Ass, that either knows any, or looks for't from me.  CVT. 
Yes, in some sense you may have reason, Sir.  WAS. 
ay, in some sense, I care not if I grant you.  WHI. 
Pardon me, thou oughtst to grant him nothing, in no shensh, if dou do love die shelf, angry man.  WAS. 
Why then, I do grant him nothing; and I have no sense.  CVT. 
'Tis true, thou hast no sense indeed.  WAS. 
'Slid, but I have sense, now I think on't better, and I will grant him any thing, do you see?  KNO. 
He is i'the right, and does utter a sufficient vapour.  CVT. 
Nay, it is no sufficient vapour, neither, I deny that.  KNO. 
Then it is a sweet vapour.  CVT. 
It may be a sweet vapour.  WAS. 
Nay, it is no sweet vapour, neither, Sir, it stinks, and I'll stand to't.  WHI. 
Yes, I tinke it dosh shtink, Captain. All vapour dosh shtink.  WAS. 
Nay, than it does not stink, Sir, and it shall not stink.  CVT. 
By your leave, it may, Sir.  WAS. 
ay, by my leave, it may stink, I know that.  WHI. 
Pardon me, thou knowesht nothing, it cannot by thy leave, angry man.  WAS. 
How can it not?  KNO. 
Nay, never question him, for he is i'the right.  WHI. 
Yesh, I am I'd right, I confesh it, so ish de little man too.  WAS. 
I'll have nothing confessed, that concerns me. I am not i'the right, nor never was i'the right, nor never will be i'the right, while I am in my right mind,  CVT. 
Mind? why, here's no man minds you, Sir, 
They drink again.  nor any thing else.  PVP. 
Friend, will you mind this that we do?  QVA. 
Call you this vapours? this is such belching of quarrel, as I never heard. Will you mind your business, Sir?  EDG. 
You shall see, Sir.  NOR. 
I'll x more, my waimb works too mickle with this anready.  EDG. 
Will you take that, Master Wasp, that nobody should mind you?  WAS. 
Why? what ha' you to do? is't any matter to you?  EDG. 
No, but methinks you should not be unminded, though,  WAS. 
Nor, I won't be, now I think on't, do you hear, new acquaintance, does no man mind me, say you?  CVT. 
Yes, Sir, every man here minds you, but how?  WAS. 
Nay, I care as little how, as you do, that was not my question.  WHI. 
No, noting was ty question, tou art a learned man, and I am a valiant man, i'faith la, tou shalt speak for me, and I vill fight for tee.  KNO. 
Fight for him, Whit? A gross vapour, he can fight for himself.  WAS. 
It may be I can, but it may be, I will not, how then?  CVT. 
Why, than you may choose.  WAS. 
Why, and I'll choose whether I'll choose or no.  KNO. 
I think you may, and 'tis true; and I allow it for a resolute vapour.  WAS. 
Nay, then, I do think you do not think, and it is no resolute vapour.  CVT. 
Yes, in some sort he may allow you.  KNO. 
In no sort, Sir, pardon me, I can allow him nothing. You mistake the vapour.  WAS. 
He mistakes nothing, Sir, in no sort.  WHI. 
Yes, I pre dee now, let him mistake.  WAS. 
A turd i'your teeth, never pre dee me, for I will have nothing mistaken.  KNO. 

They fall by the cares.  Turd, ha turd? a noisome vapour, strike Whit.  OVE. 
Why, Gentlemen, why Gentlemen, I charge you upon my authority, conserve the peace. In the king's name, and my Husbands, put up your weapons, I shall be driven to commit you myself, else.  QVA. 
Ha, ha, ha.  WAS. 
Why do you laugh, Sir?  QVA. 
Sir, you'll allow me my christian liberty. I may laugh, I hope.  CVT. 
In some sort you may, and in some sort you may not, Sir.  KNO. 
Nay in some sort, Sir, he may neither laugh, nor hope, in this company.  WAS. 
Yes, than he may both laugh, and hope in any sort, an't please him.  QVA. 
Faith, and I will then, for it doth please me exceedingly.  WAS. 
No exceeding neither, Sir.  KNO. 
No, that vapour is too lofty.  QVA. 
Gentlemen, I do not play well at your game of vapours, I am not very good at it, but—  CVT. 
Do you hear, Sir? I would speak with you in circle? 
He draws a circle on the ground.   QVA. 
In circle, Sir? what would you with me in circle?  CVT. 
Can you lend me a Piece, a jacobus? in circle?  QVA. 
'Slid, your circle will prove more costly than your vapours, then. Sir, no, I lend you none.  CVT. 
Your beard's not well turned up, Sir.  QVA. 
How Rascal? are you playing with my beard? 
They draw all, and fight.  I'll break circle with you.  PVP. NOR. 
Gentlemen, Gentlemen!  KNO. 
Gather up, Whit, gather up, Whit, good vapours.  OVE. 
What mean you? are you Rebels? Gentlemen? shall I send out a sergeant at Arms, or a Writ o'Rebellion, against you? I'll commit you upon my womanhood, for a Riot, upon my justice-hood, if you persist.  WAS. 
Upon your justice-hood? marry shit o'your hood, you'll commit? Spoke like a true justice of peace's wife, indeed, and a fine female Lawyer! turd i'your teeth for a fee, now.  OVER. 
Why, Numps, in Master Ouerdoo's name, I charge you.  WAS. 
Good Mistress underdoo hold your tongue.  OVER. 
Alas! poor Numps.  WAS. 
Alas! and why alas from you, I beseech you? or why poor Numps, goody Rich? am I come to be pitied by your tuft taffeta now? why Mistress, I knew Adam, the Clerk, your husband, when he was Adam Scrivener, and writ for two pence a sheet, as high as he bears his head now, or you your hood, Dame. What are you, Sir? 
The watch comes in.   BRI. 
we be men, and no Infidels; what is the matter, here, and the noises? can you tell?  WAS. 
Heart, what ha' you to do? cannot a man quarrel in quietness? but he must be put out on't by you? what are you?  BRI. 
Why, we be his Majesty's Watch, Sir.  WAS. 
Watch? 'Sblood, you are a sweet watch, indeed. A body would think, and you watched well a nights, you should be contented to sleep at this time a day. Get you to your fleas, and your flocke-beds, you Rogues, your kennels, and lie down close.  BRI. 
Down? yes, we will down, I warrant you, down with him in his Majesty's name, down, down with him, and carry him away, to the pigeon-holes.  OVE. 
I thank you honest friends, in the behalf o'the Crown, and the peace, and in Master Ouerdoo's name, for suppressing enormities.  WHI. 
Stay, Bristle, here ish a noder brash o'drunkards, but very quiet, special drunkards, will pay dee, five shillings very well. Take 'em to dee, in de graish o' God: one of 'em does change cloth, for Ale in the Fair, here, te toder ish a strong man, a mighty man, my Lord mayor's man, and a wrestler. He has wrestle so long with the bottle, here, that the man with the beard, hash almosht streeke up hish heelsh.  BRI. 
'Slid, the Clerk o'the Market, has been to cry him all the Fair over, here, for my Lord's service.  WHI. 
Tere he ish, pre de taik him hensh, and make ty best on him. How now woman o' shilk, vat ailsh ty sweet faish? art tou melancholy?  OVE. 
A little distempered with these enormities; shall I entreat a courtesy of you, Captain?  WHI. 
Entreat a hundred, velvet woman, I vill do it, shpeak out.  OVE. 
I cannot with modesty speak it out, but—  WHI. 
I vill do it, and more, and more, for dee. What Ursla, an't be bitch, an't be bawd and't be!  VRS. 
How now Rascal? what roar you for? old Pimp.  WHI. 
Here, put up de cloaks Ursh; de purchase, pre dee now, sweet Ursh, help dis good brave woman, to a jordan, an't be.  VRS. 
'Slid call your Captain jordan to her, can you not?  WHI. 
Nay, pre dee leave die consheits, and bring the velvet woman to de—  VRS. 
I bring her, hang her: heart must I find a common pot for every punk i'your purlieus?  WHI. 
O good voordsh, Ursh, it ish a guest o'veluet, i'fait la.  VRS. 
Let her sell her hood, and buy a sponge, with a pox to her, my vessel, employed Sir. I have but one, and 'tis the bottom of an old bottle. An honest Proctor, and his wife, are at it, within, if she'll stay her time, so.  WHI. 
As soon ash tou cansht shwet Vrsh. Of a valiant man I tinke I am the patientsh man i'the world, or in all Smithfield.  KNO. 
How now Whit? close vapours, stealing your leaps? covering in corners, ha?  WHI. 
No fait, Captain, dough tou beesht a vishe man, die vit is a mile hence, now. I vas procuring a shmall courtesy, for a woman of fashion here.  OVE. 
Yes, Captain, though I am justice of peace's wife, I do love Men of war, and the Sons of the sword, when they come before my husband.  KNO. 
sayst thou so Filly? thou shalt have a leap presently, I'll horse thee myself, else.  VRS. 
Come, will you bring her in now? and let her talk her turn?  WHI. 
Gramercy good Ursh, I tank dee.  OVER. 
Master Overdoo shall thank her.   

ACT. IV. SCENE. V.  JOHN. WIN. Ursla. KNOCKHUM. WHIT. OVERDOO. ALES. 
Good Gammer Urs; Win, and I, are exceedingly beholden to you, and to Captain jordan, and Captain Whit. Win, I'll be bold to leave you, in'is good company, Win: for half an hour, or so Win, while I go, and see how my matter goes forward, and if the Puppets be perfect: and then I'll come & fetch you, Win.  WIN. 
Will you leave me alone with two men, john?  IOH. 
ay, they are honest Gentlemen Win, Captain jordan, and Captain Whit, they'll use you very civilly, Win, God b'w'you, Win.  VRS. 
What's her husband gone?  KNO. 
On his false, gallop, Urs, away.  VRS. 
An' you be right Bartholmew-birds, now show yourselves so: we are undone for want of foul i'the Fair, here. Here will be Zekiel Edgworth, and three or four gallants, with him at night, and I ha' neither Plover nor Quail for 'em: persuade this between you two, to become a Bird o'the game, while I work the velvet woman, within, (as you call her.)  KNO. 
I conceive thee, Urs! go thy ways, dost thou hear, Whit? is't not pity, my delicate dark chestnut here; with the fine lean head, large forehead, round eyes, even mouth, sharp ears, long neck, thin crest, close withers, plain back, deep sides, short fillets, and full flanks: with a round belly, a plump but tocke, large thighs, knit knees, straight legs, short pasterns, smooth hooves, and short heels; should lead a dull honest woman's life, that might live the life of a Lady?  WHI. 
Yes, by my fait, and trot, it is, Captain: de honesht woman's life is a scurvy dull life, indeed, la.  WIN. 
How, Sir? is an honest woman's life a scurvy life?  WHI. 
Yes fait, sweet heart, believe him, de leefe of a Bond. woman! but if dou vilt hearken to me, I vill make tee a freewoman, and a Lady: dou shalt live like a Lady, as te Captain saish.  KNO. 
ay, and be honest too sometimes: have her wires, and her tires, her green gowns, and velvet petticoats.  WHI. 
ay, and ride to Ware and Rumford i'dy Coash, she de Players, be in love vit 'em; sup vit gallantsh, be drunk, and cost de noting.  KNO. 
Brave vapours!  WHI. 
And lie by twenty on'em, if dou pleash sweet heart.  WIN. 
What, and be honest still, that were fine sport.  WHI. 
'Tish common, sweet heart, tou may'st do it by my hand: it shall be justified to ty husband's faish, now: tou shalt be as honesht as the skin between his hornsh, la!  KNO. 
Yes, and wear a dressing, top, and top-gallant, to compare with ere a husband on 'em all, for a foretop: it is the vapour of spirit in the wife, to cuckold, now adays; as it is the vapour of fashion, in the husband, not to suspect. Your prying cat-eyed-citizen, is an abominable vapour.  WIN. 
Lord, what a fool have I been!  WHI. 
Mend then, and do every ting like a Lady, hereafter, never know ty husband, from another man.  KNO. 
Nor any one man from another, but i'the dark.  WHI. 
ay, and then it ish no dishgrash to know any man.  VRS. 
Help, help here.  KNO. 
How now? what vapour's there?  VRS. 
O, you are a sweet Ranger! and look well to your walks. Yonder is your punk of Turnbull, Ramping Ales, has fall'n upon the poor Gentlewoman within, and pulled her hood over her ears, 
Alice enters, beating he justice's wife.  and her hair through it.  OVE. 
Help, help, i'the king's name.  ALE. 
A mischief on you, they are such as you are, that undo us, and take our trade from us, with your tuft-taffata haunches.  KNO. 
How now Alice!  ALE. 
The poor common whores can ha' no traffic, for the privy rich ones; your caps and hoods of velvet, call away our customers, and lick the fat from us.  VRS. 
Peace you foul ramping jade, you—  ALE. 
Od's foot, you Bawd in grease, are you talking?  KNO. 
Why, Alice, I say.  ALE. 
Thou Sow of Smithfield, thou.  VRS. 
Thou tripe of Turnbull.  KNO. 
Cat-a-mountaine-vapours! ha!  VRS. 
You know where you were tawed lately, both lashed, and slashed you were in Bridewell.  ALE. 
ay, by the same token, you rid that week, and broke out the bottom o'the Cart, Night-tub.  KNO. 
Why, Lion face! ha! do you know who I am? shall I tear ruff, slit waistcoat, make rags of petticoat? ha! go to, vanish, for fear of vapours. Whit, a kick, Whit, in the parting vapour. Come brave woman, take a good heart, thou shalt be a Lady, too.  WHI. 
Yes fait, day shall all both be Ladies, and write madam. I vill do't myself for dem. Do, is the vord, and D is the middle letter of madam, D D, put 'em together, and make deeds, without which, all words are alike, la.  KNO. 
'Tis true, Ursla, take 'em in, open thy wardrobe, and fit 'em to their calling. green-gowns, Crimson-petticoats, green women! my Lord mayor's green women! guests o'the Game, true bred. I'll provide you a Coach, to take the air, in.  WIN. 
But do you think you can get one?  KNO. 
O, they are as common as wheelbarrows, where there are great dunghills. Every pettifogger's wife, has 'em, for first he buys a Coach, that he may marry, and then he marries that he may be made Cuckold in't: For if their wives ride not to their Cuckolding, they do 'em no credit. Hide, and be hidden; ride, and be ridden, says the vapour of experience.   

ACT. IV. SCENE. VI.  TROBLE-ALL. KNOCKHUM. WHIT. QVARLOUS. EDGWORTH. BRISTLE. WASPE. HAGGISE. JUSTICE. BVSY. PVRE-CRAFT. 
BY what warrant does it say so?  KNO. 
Ha! mad child o'the piepowders, art thou there? fill us a fresh kan, Urs, we may drink together.  TRO. 
I may not drink without a warrant, Captain.  KNO. 
'sblood, thou'll not stale without a warrant, shortly. Whit, Give me pen, ink and paper. I'll draw him a warrant presently.  TRO. 
It must be justice Ouerdoo's?  KNO. 
I know, man, Fetch the drink, Whit.  WHI. 
I pre dee now, be very brief, Captain; for de new Ladies stay for dee.  KNO. 
O, as brief as can be, here 'tis already. Adam Overdoo.  TRO. 
Why, now, I'll pledge you, Captain.  KNO. 
Drink it off. I'll come to thee, anon, again.  QVA. 
Well, Sir. You are now discharged: 
Quarlous to the Cutpurse.  beware of being spied, hereafter.  EDG. 
Sir, will it please you, enter in here, at Ursla's; and take part of a silken gown, a velvet petticoat, or a wrought smock; I am promised such: and I can spare any Gentleman a moiety.  QVA. 
Keep it for your companions in beastliness, I am none of 'em, Sir. If I had not already forgiven you a greater trespass, or thought you yet worth my beating, I would instruct your manners, to whom you made your offers. But go your ways, talk not to me, the hangman is only fit to discourse with you; the hand of Beadle is too merciful a punishment for your Trade of life. I am sorry I employed this fellow; for he thinks me such: Facinus quos inquinat, aequat. But, it was for sport. And would I make it serious, the getting of this Licence is nothing to me, without other circumstances concur. I do think how impertinently I labour, if the word be not mine, that the ragged fellow marked: And what advantage I have given Ned Win-wife in this time now, of working her, though it be mine. he'll go near to form to her what a debauched Rascal I am, and fright her out of all good conceit of me: I should do so by him, I am sure, if I had the opportunity. But my hope is in her temper, yet; and it must needs be next to despair, that is grounded on any part of a woman's discretion. I would give by my troth, now, all I could spare (to my clothes, and my sword) to meet my tattered soothsayer again, who was my judge i'the question, to know certainly whose word he has damned or saved. For, till then, I live but under a Reprieve. I must seek him. Who be these?  WAS. 

Ent Wasp with the officers.  Sir, you are a welsh Cuckold, and a prating Runt, and no Constable.  BRI. 
You say very well. Come put in his leg in the middle roundel, and let him hole there.  WAS. 
You stink of leeks, metheglin, and cheese. You Rogue.  BRI. 
Why, what is that to you, if you sit sweetly in the stocks in the mean time? if you have a mind to stink too, your breeches sit close enough to your bum. Sit you merry, Sir.  QVA 
How now, Numps?  WAS. 
It is no matter, how; pray you look off.  QVA. 
Nay I'll not offend you, Numps. I thought you had sat there to be seen.  WAS. 
And to be sold, did you not? pray you mind your business, an' you have any.  QVA. 
Cry you mercy, Numps. does your leg lie high enough?  BRI. 
How now, neighbour Haggise, what says justice Ouerdo's worship, to the other offenders?  HAG. 
Why, he says just nothing, what should he say? Or where should he say? He is not to be found, Man. He ha' not been seen i'the Fair, here, all this livelong day, never since seven o'clock i' the morning. His Clerks know not what to think on't. There is no Court of Pie-poulders yet. Here they be returned.  BRI. 
What shall be done with 'em, then? in your discretion?  HAG. 
I think we were best put 'em in the stocks, in discretion (there they will be safe in discretion) for the valour of an hour, or such a thing, till his worship come. 
As they open the stocks, Wasp puts his shoe on his hand, and slips it in for his leg.   BRI 
It is but a hole matter, if we do, Neighbour Haggise, come, Sir, here is company for you, heave up the stocks.  WAS. 
I shall put a trick upon your welsh diligence, perhaps.  BRI. 
Put in your leg, Sir.  QVA. 
What, rabbi Busy! is he come?  BVS. 
I do obey thee, the Lion may roar, but he cannot bite. 
They bring Busy, and put him in.  I am glad to be thus separated from the heathen of the land, and put a part in the stocks, for the holy cause.  WAS. 
What are you, Sir?  BVS. 
One that rejoiceth in his affliction, and sitteth here to prophesy, the destruction of Fairs and May-games, Wakes, and Whitson-ales, and doth sigh and groan for the reformation, of these abuses.  WAS. 
And do you sigh, and groan too, or rejoice in your affliction?  IVS. 
I do not feel it, I do not think of it, it is a thing without me. Adam, thou art above these batteries, these contumelies. In te manca rvit fortuna, as thy friend Horace says; thou art one, Quem neque pauperies, neque mors, neque vincula terrent,. And therefore as another friend of thine says, (I think it be thy friend Persius) Non te quaesiueris extra.  QVA. 
What's here! a Stoic i'the stocks? the Fool is turned Philosopher.  BVS. 
Friend, I will leave to communicate my spirit with you, if I hear any more of those superstitious relics, those lists of Latin, the very rags of Rome, and patches of Popery.  WAS. 
Nay, an'you begin to quarrel, Gentlemen, I'll leave you. I ha' paid for quarrelling too lately: look you, a device, 
He gets out.  but shifting in a hand for a foot. God b'w'you.  BVS. 
Wilt thou then leave thy brethren in tribulation?  WAS. 
For this once, Sir.  BVS. 
Thou art a halting Neutral stay him there, stop him: that will not endure the heat of persecution.  BRI. 
How now, what's the matter?  BVS. 
He is fled, he is fled, and dares not sit it out.  BRI. 
What, has he made an escape, which way? follow, neighbour Haggise.  PVR. 
O me! in the stocks! have the wicked prevailed?  BVS. 
Peace religious sister, it is my calling, comfort yourself, an extraordinary calling, and done for my better standing, my surer standing, hereafter.  TRO. 
By whose warrant, by whose warrant, this? 
The madman enters.   QVA. 
O, here's my man! dropped in, I looked for.  IVS. 
Ha!  PVR. 
O good Sir, they have set the faithful, here to be wondered at; and provided holes, for the holy of the land.  TRO. 
Had they warrant for it? showed they Justice Ouerdoo's hand? if they had no warrant, they shall answer it.  BRI. 
Sure you did not lock the stocks sufficiently, neighbour Toby!  HAG. 
No! see if you can lock 'em better.  BRI. 
They are very sufficiently locked, and truly, yet some thing is in the matter.  TRO. 
True, your warrant is the matter that is in question, by what warrant?  BRI. 
Mad man, hold your peace, I will put you in his room else, in the very same hole, do you see?  QVA. 
How! is he a madman!  TRO. 
Show me justice Ouerdoo's warrant. I obey you.  HAG. 
You are a mad fool, hold your tongue.  TRO. 

Shows his can.  In justice Ouerdoo's name, I drink to you, and here's my warrant.  IVS. 
Alas poor wretch! how it earns my heart for him!  QVA. 
If he be mad, it is in vain to question him. I'll try though, friend: there was a Gentlewoman, showed you two names, some hour since, Argalus and Palemon, to mark in a book, which of 'em was it you marked?  TRO. 
I mark no name, but Adam Overdoo, that is the name of names, he only is the sufficient Magistrate; and that name I reverence, show it me.  QVA. 
This fellows mad indeed: I am further off, now, then afore.  IVS. 
I shall not breathe in peace, till I have made him some amends.  QVA. 
Well, I will make another use of him, is come in my head: I have a nest of beards in my Trunk, one some thing like his.  BRI. 

The watchmen come back again. The madman fights with 'em, and they leave open the stocks.  This mad fool has made me that I know not whether I I have locked the stocks or no, I think I locked 'em.  TRO. 
Take Adam Overdoo in your mind, and fear nothing.  BRI. 
'Slid, madness itself, hold thy peace, and take that.  TRO. 
Strikest thou without a warrant? take thou that.  BVS. 
we are delivered by miracle; fellow in fetters, let us not refuse the means, this madness was of the spirit: The malice of the enemy hath mocked itself.  PVR. 
Mad do they call him! the world is mad in error, but he is mad in truth: I love him o'the sudden, (the cunning man said all true) and shall love him more, and more. How well it becomes a man to be mad in truth! O, that I might be his yoke-fellow, and be mad with him, what a many should we draw to madness in truth, with us!  BRI. 
How now! all scaped? where's the woman? it is witchcraft! 
The watch missing them are affrighted.  Her velvet hat is a witch, o' my conscience, or my key! t'one. The madman was a Devil, and I am an Ass; so bless me, my place, and mine office.    


ACT. V. SCENE. I.  LANTHORNE. FILCHER. SHARKWEL. 
WEll, Luck and Saint Bartholmew; out with the sign of our invention, in the name of Wit, and do you beat the Drum, the while; All the fowl i'the Fair, I mean, all the dirt in Smithfield, (that's one of Master Littlewit's Carwhitchets now) will be thrown at our Banner today, if the matter does not please the people. O the Motions, that I lantern Leatherhead have given light to, i' my time, since my Master Pod died! jerusalem was a stately thing; and so was Niniveh, and the city of Norwich, and Sodom and Gomorrah; 
Pod was a Master of motions before him.  with the rising o'the prentices; and pulling down the bawdy houses there, upon Shrove-Tuesday; but the Gunpowder-plot, there was a get-penny! I have presented that to an eighteen, or twenty pence audience, nine times in an afternoon. Your home-born projects prove ever the best, they are so easy, and familiar, they put too much learning i'their things now adays: and that I fear will be the spoil of'is. Littlewit? I say, Mickle-wit! if not too mickle! look to your gathering there, good man Filcher.  FIL. 
I warrant you, Sir.  LAN. 
And there come any Gentlefolks, take two pence a piece, Sharkwell.  SHA. 
I warrant you, Sir, three pence, an'we can.   

ACT. V. SCENE. II.  JUSTICE. WIN-WIFE. GRACE. QVARLOVS. PVRE-CRAFT. 
THis later disguise, I have borrowed of a Porter, shall carry me out to all my great and good ends; 
The justice comes in like a Porter.  which however interrupted, were never destroyed in me: neither is the hour of my severity yet come, to reveal myself, wherein cloudlike, I will break out in rain, and hail, lightning, and thunder, upon the head of enormity. Two main works I have to prosecute: first, one is to invent some satisfaction for the poor, kind wretch, who is out of his wits for my sake, and yonder I see him coming, I will walk aside, and project for it.  WIN. 
I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that he returns not, it may be he is struck in here to seek us.  GRA. 
See, here's our madman again.  QVA. 
I have made myself as like him, as his gown, and cap will give me leave. 
Quarlous in the habit of the madman is mistaken by Mistress Pure-craft.   PVR. 
Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.  WIN-W. 
How! my widow in love with a madman?  PVR. 
Verily, I can be as mad in spirit, as you.  QVA. 
By whose warrant? leave your canting. Gentlewoman, have I found you? (save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye) where's your book? 
He desires to see the book of Mistress Grace . 'twas a sufficient name I marked, let me see't, be not afraid to show't me.  GRA. 
What would you with it, Sir?  QVA. 
Mark it again, and again, at your service.  GRA. 
Here it is, Sir, this was it you marked.  QVA. 
Palemon? fare you well, fare you well.  WIN-W. 
How, Palemon!  GRA. 
Yes faith, he has discovered it to you, now, and therefore 'twere vain to disguise it longer, I am yours, Sir, by the benefit of your fortune.  WIN-W. 
And you have him Mistress, believe it, that shall never give you cause to repent her benefit, but make you rather to think that in this choice, she had both her eyes.  GRA. 
I desire to put it to no danger of protestation.  QVA. 
Palemon, the word, and Win-wife the man?  PVR. 
Good Sir, vouchsafe a yoke-fellow in your madness, shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that would draw with you, in truth.  QVA. 
Away, you are a herd of hypocritical proud Ignorants, rather wild, then mad. Fitter for woods, and the society of beasts than houses, and the congregation of men. You are the second part of the society of Canters, Outlaws to order and Discipline, and the only privileged Church-robbers of Christendom. Let me alone. Palemon, the word, and Win-wife the man?  PVR. 
I must uncover myself unto him, or I shall never enjoy him, for all the cunning men's promises. Good Sir, hear me, I am worth six thousand pound, my love to you, is become my rack, I'll tell you all, and the truth: since you hate the hypocrisy of the particoloured brotherhood. These seven years, I have been a wilful holy widow, only to draw feasts, and gifts from my entangled suitors: I am also by office, an assisting sister of the Deacons, and a devourer, in stead of a distributer of the alms. I am a special maker of marriages for our decayed Brethren, with our rich widows; for a third part of their wealth, when they are married, for the relief of the poor elect: as also our poor handsome young Virgins, with our wealthy Bachelors, or Widowers; to make them steal from their husbands, when I have confirmed them in the faith, and got all put into their custodies. And if I ha' not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding drab, in to a silent Minister, then make me leave pronouncing reprobation, and damnation unto them. Our elder, Zeal-of-the-land, would have had me, but I know him to be the capital Knave of the land, making himself rich, by being made Feoffee in trust to deceased Brethren, and cozening their heirs, by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus having eased my conscience, and uttered my heart, with the tongue of my love: enjoy all my deceits together. I beseech you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in time I think you are mad, and I hope you'll think me so too, Sir?  QVA. 
Stand aside, I'll answer you, presently. 
He consider with himself of it.  Why should not I marry this six thousand pound, now I think on't? and a good trade too, that she has beside, ha? The other wench, Win-wife, is sure of; there's no expectation for me there! here I may make myself some saver, yet, if she continue mad, there's the question. It is money that I want, why should I not marry the money, when 'tis offered me? I have a Licence and all, it is but razing out one name, and putting in another. There's no playing with a man's fortune! I am resolved! I were truly mad, an' I would not! well, come your ways, follow me, an' you will be mad, 

He takes her along with him.  
The justice calls him.   I'll show you a warrant!  PVR. 
Most zealously, it is that I zealously desire.  IVS. 
Sir, let me speak with you.  QVA. 
By whose warrant?  IVS. 
The warrant that you tender, and respect so; justice Ouerdoo's! I am the man, friend Trouble-all, though thus disguised (as the careful Magistrate ought) for the good of the Republic, in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you want a house or meat, or drink, or clothes? speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you, what want you?  QVA. 
Nothing but your warrant.  IVS. 
My warrant? for what?  QVA. 
To be gone, Sir.  IVS. 
Nay, I pray thee stay, I am serious, and have not many words, nor much time to exchange with thee; think what may do thee good.  QVA. 
Your hand and seal, will do me a great deal of good; nothing else in the whole Fair, that I know.  IVS. 
If it were to any end, thou shouldst have it willingly.  QVA. 
Why, it will satisfy me, that's end enough, to look on; an' you will not gi' it me, let me go.  IVS. 
Alas! thou shalt ha' it presently: I'll but step into the Scriveners, 
The justice goes out.  hereby, and bring it. Do not go away.  QVA. 
Why, this mad man's shape, will prove a very fortunate one, I think! can a ragged robe produce these effects? if this be the wise justice, and he bring me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on't. He is come already!  IVS. 

and returns.  Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Overdoo, if there be any thing to be written, above in the paper, that thou want'st now, or at any time hereafter; think on't; it is my deed, I deliver it so, can your friend write?  QVA. 

He urgeth Mistress Purecraft . Her hand for a witness, and all is well.  IVS. 
With all my heart.  QVA. 
Why should not I ha' the conscience, to make this a bond of a thousand pound? now, or what I would else?  IVS. 
Look you, there it is; and I deliver it as my deed again.  QVA. 
Let us now proceed in madness.  IVS. 

He takes her in with him.  Well, my conscience is much eased; I ha' done my part, though it doth him no good, yet Adam hath offered satisfaction! The sting is removed from hence: poor man, he is much altered with his affliction, it has brought him low! Now, for my other work, reducing the young man (I have followed so long in love) from the brink of his bane, to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time.   

ACT. V. SCENE. IV.  COKES. SHAKRWEL. JUSTICE. FILCHER. JOHN. lantern. 
HOw now? what's here to do? friend, art thou the Master of the Monuments?  SHA. 
'Tis a Motion, an't please your worship.  IVS. 
My fantastical brother in Law, Master Bartholmew Cokes!  COK. 
A Motion, what's that? 
He reads the Bill.  The ancient modern history of Hero, and Leander, otherwise called The Touchstone of true Love, with as true a trial of friendship, between Damon, and Pithias, two faithful friends o'the Bankside? pretty i'faith, what's the meaning on't? is't an Interlude? or what is't?  FIL. 
Yes Sir, please you come near, we'll take your money within.  COK. 
Back with these children; 
The boys o'the Fair follow him.  they do so follow me up and down.  IOH. 
By your leave, friend.  FIL. 
You must pay, Sir, an' you go in.  IOH. 
Who, I? I perceive thou know'st not me: call the Master o'the Motion.  SHA 
What, do you not know the Author, fellow Filcher? you must take no money of him; he must come in gratis: Mr. Littlewit is a voluntary; he is the Author.  IOH. 
Peace, speak not too loud, I would not have any notice taken, that I am the Author, till we see how it passes.  COK. 
Master Littlewit, how dost thou?  IOH. 
Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met: what, in your doublet, and hose, without a cloak, or a hat?  COK. 
I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that fire; I have lost all i'the Fair, and all my acquaintance too; didst thou meet anybody that I know, Master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdoo, or Mistress Grace? pray thee Master Littlewit, lend me some money to see the Interlude, here. I'll pay thee again, as I am a Gentleman. If thou'lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.  IOH. 
O, Sir, you shall command it, what, will a crown serve you?  COK. 
I think it well, what do we pay for coming in, fellows?  FIL. 
Two pence, Sir.  COK. 
Two pence? there's twelve pence, friend; Nay, I am a Gallant, as simple as I look now; if you see me with my man about me, and my Artillery, again.  IOH. 
Your man was i'the Stocks, e'en now, Sir.  COK. 
Who, Numps?  IOH. 
Yes faith.  COK. 
For what i' saith, I am glad o' that; remember to tell me on't anon; I have enough, now! What manner of matter is this, Mr. Littlewit? What kind of Actors ha' you? Are they good Actors?  IOH. 
Pretty youths, Sir, all children both old and young, here's the Master of 'em—  (LAN. 

Leatherhead whispers to Littlewit . Call me not Leatherhead, but Lantern.)  IOH. 
Master Lantern, that gives light to the business,  COK.. 
In good time, Sir, I would fain see 'em, I would be glad drink with the young company; which is the Tiring-house?  LAN. 
Troth, Sir, our Tiring-house is somewhat little, we are but beginners, yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in't.  COK. 
No? not now my hat is off? what would you have done with me, if you had had me, feather, and all, as I was once today? Ha' you none of your pretty impudent boys, now; to bring stools, fill Tobacco, fetch Ale, and beg money, as they have at other houses? let me see some o'your Actors.  ION. 
Show him 'em, show him 'em. Master Lantern, this is a Gentleman, that is a favourer of the quality.  IVS. 
ay, the fauouring of this licentious quality, is the consumption of many a young Gentleman; a pernicious enormity.  COK. 
What, do they live in baskets?  LEA. 

He brings them out in a basket.  They do lie in a basket, Sir, they are o'the small Players.  COK. 
These be Players minors, indeed. Do you call these Players?  LAN. 
They are Actors, Sir, and as good as any, none dispraised, for dumb shows: indeed, I am the mouth of 'em all!  COK. 
Thy mouth will hold 'em all. I think, one tailor, would go near to beat all this company, with a hand bound behind him.  IOH. 
ay, and eat 'em all, too, an' they were in cakebread.  COK. 
I thank you for that, Master Littlewit, a good jest! which is your Burbage now?  LAN. 
What mean you by that, Sir?  COK. 
Your best Actor. Your Field?  IOH. 
Good i'faith! you are even with me, Sir.  LAN. 
This is he, that acts young Leander, Sir. He is extremely beloved of the womankind, they do so affect his action, the green gamesters, that come here, and this is lovely Hero; this with the beard, Damon; and this pretty Pythias: this is the ghost of King Dionysius in the habit of a scrivener: as you shall see anon, at large.  COK. 
Well they are a civil company, I like 'em for that; they offer not to fleer, nor gear, nor break jests, as the great Players do: And then, there goes not so much charge to the feasting of 'em, or making 'em drunk, as to the other, by reason of their littleness. Do they use to play perfect? Are they never flustered?  LAN. 
No, Sir. I thank my industry, and policy for it; they are as well governed a company, though I say it— And here is young Leander, is as proper an Actor of his inches; and shakes his head like an ostler.  COK. 
But do you play it according to the printed book? I have read that.  LAN. 
By no means, Sir.  COK. 
No? How then?  LAN. 
A better way, Sir, that is too learned, and poetical for our audience; what do they know what Hellespont is? Guilty of true love's blood? or what Abydos is? or the other Sestos hight?  COK. 
thouart i'the right, I do not know myself.  LAN. 
No, I have entreated Master Littlewit, to take a little pains to reduce it to a more familiar strain for our people.  COK. 
How, I pray thee, good Mr. Littlewit?  IOH. 
It pleases him to make a matter of it, Sir. But there is no such matter I assure you: I have only made it a little easy, and modern for the times, Sir, that's all; As, for the Hellespont I imagine our Thames here; and then Leander, I make a dyer's son, about Puddle-wharf: and Hero a wench o'the Bankside, who going over one morning, to old fish-street; Leander spies her land at Trigsstayer's, and falls in love with her: Now do I introduce Cupid, having Metamorphosed himself into a Drawer, and he strikes Hero in love with a pint of Sherry, and other pretty passages there are, o'the friendship, that will delight you, Sir, and please you of judgement.  COK. 
I'll be sworn they shall; I am in love with the Actors already, and I'll be allied to them presently. (They respect gentlemen, these fellows) Hero shall be my fairing: But, which of my fairings? (Le' me see) i'faith, my fiddle! and Leander my fiddlestick: Then Damon, my drum; and Pythias, my Pipe and the ghost of Dionysius, my hobby-horse. All fitted.   

ACT. V. SCENE IV.  To them WIN-WIFE. GRACE. KNOCKHUM. WHITT. EDGWORTH. WIN. Mistress OVERDOO. And to them wasp. 
Look yonder's your Cokes gotten in among his playfellows; I thought we could not miss him, at such a Spectacle.  GRA. 
Let him alone, he is so busy, he will never spy us.  LEA. 
Nay, good Sir.  COK. 

Cokes is handling the Puppets . I warrant thee, I will not hurt her, fellow; what dost think me uncivil? I pray thee be not jealous: I am toward a wife.  IOH.. 
Well good Master Lantern, make ready to begin, that I may fetch my wife, and look you be perfect, you undo me else, i'my reputation.  LAN. 
I warrant you Sir, do not you breed too great an expectation of it, among your friends: that's the only hurter of these things.  IOH. 
No, no, no.  COK. 
I'll stay here, and see; pray thee let me see.  WIN-W. 
How diligent and troublesome he is!  GRA. 
The place becomes him, methinks.  IVS. 
My ward, Mistress Grace in the company of a stranger? I doubt I shall be compelled to discover myself, before my time!  FIL. 
Two pence a piece Gentlemen, an excellent Motion.  KNO. 

The doorkeepers speak.  Shall we have fine fireworks, and good vapours!  SHA. 
Yes Captain, and waterworks, too.  WHI. 
I pray dee, take a care o'dy shmall Lady, there, Edgworth; I will look to dish tall Lady myself.  LAN. 
Welcome Gentlemen, welcome Gentlemen.  WHI. 
Predee, Mashter o'de Monshtersh, help a very sick Lady, here, to a chair, to shit in.  LAN. 
Presently, Sir.  WHI. 

They bring Mistress Overdoo a chair.  Good fait now, Ursla's Ale, and Aquavitae ish to blame for't; shit down sweet heart, shit down▪ and shleep a little.  EDG. 
madam, you are very welcome hither.  KNO. 
Yes, and you shall see very good vapours.  IVS. 
Here is my care come! I like to see him in so good company; 
By Edgeworth.  and yet I wonder that persons of such fashion, should resort hither!  EDG. 
This is a very private house, madam. 
The Cutpurse courts Mistress Littlewit.   LAN. 
Will it please your Ladyship sit, madam?  WIN. 
Yes goodman. They do so all to be madam me, I think they think me a very Lady!  EDG. 
What else madam?  WIN. 
Must I put off my mask to him?  EDG. 
O, by no means.  WIN. 
How would my husband know me, then?  KNO. 
Husband? an idle vapour; he must not know you, nor you him; there's the true vapour.  IVS. 
Yes, I will observe more of this: is this a Lady, friend?  WHI. 
I and dat is another Lady, sweet heart; if dou hashed a mind to 'em give me twelve pence from tee, and dou shalt have eder-oder on 'em!  IVS. 
I? This will prove my chiefest enormity: I will follow this.  EDG, 
Is not this a finer life, Lady, than to be clogged with a husband?  WIN. 
Yes, a great deal. When will they begin, trow? in the name o'the Motion?  EDG. 
By and by madam, they stay but for company.  KNO. 
Do you hear, Puppet. Master, these are tedious vapours; when begin you?  LAN. 
We stay but for Master Littlewit, the Author, who is gone for his wife; and we begin presently.  WIN. 
That's I, that's I.  EDG. 
That was you, Lady; but now you are no such poor thing.  KNO. 
Hang the author's wife, a running vapour! here be Ladies, will stay for ne'er a Delia o'em all.  WHI. 
But hear me now, here ish one o'de Ladish, a shleep, stay till she but vake man.  WAS. 
How now friends? what's here to do?  FIL. 
Two pence a piece, Sir, the best Motion, in the Fair. 
The doorkeepers again.   WAS. 
I believe you lie; if you do, I'll have my money again, and beat you.  WIN. 
Numps is come!  WAS. 
Did you see a Master of mine, come in here, a tall young Squire of Harrow o'the Hill; Master Bartholmew Cokes?  FIL. 
I think there be such a one, within.  WAS. 
Look he be, you were best: but it is very likely: I wonder I found him not at all the rest. I ha' been at the Eagle, and the black Wolf, and the Bull with the five legs, and two pizzles; (he was a Calf at Uxbridge Fair, two years agone) And at the dogs that dance the morris, and the Hare o' the Taber; and missed him at all these! Sure this must needs be some fine sight, that holds him so, if it have him.  COK. 
Come, come, are you ready now?  LAN. 
Presently, Sir.  WAS. 
Heyday, he's at work in his Doublet, and hose; do you hear, Sir? are you employed? that you are bare headed, and so busy?  COK. 
Hold your peace, Numpes; you ha' been i'the Stocks, I hear.  WAS. 
does he know that? nay, than the date of my Authority is out; I must think no longer to reign, my government is at an end. He that will correct another, must want fault in himself.  WIN-W. 
Sententious Numps! I never heard so much from him, before.  LAN. 
Sure, Master Littlewit will not come; please you take your place, Sir, we'll begin.  COK. 
I pray thee do, mine ears long to be at it; and my eyes too. O Numps, i'the Stocks, Numps? where's your sword, Numps?  WAS. 
I pray you intend your game, Sir, let me alone.  COK. 
Well then, we are quit for all. Come, sit down, Numps; I'll interpret to thee: did you see Mistress Grace? it's no matter, neither, now I think on't, tell me anon.  WIN-W. 
A great deal of love, and care, he expresses.  GRA. 
Alas! would you have him to express more than he has? that were tyranny.  COK. 
Peace, ho; now, now.  LAN. 
Gentles, that no longer your expectations may wander,  
Behold our chief Actor, amorous Leander.  
With a great deal of cloth, lapped about him like a Scarf,  
For he yet serves his father, a Dyer at Puddle wharf,  
Which place we'll make bold with, to call it our Abydos,  
As the Bankside is our Sestos, and let it not be denied us.  
Now, as he is beating, to make the die take the fuller,  
Who chances to come by, but fair Hero, in a Sculler;  
And seeing Leander's naked leg, and goodly calf,  
Cast at him, from the boat, a sheep's eye, and a half.  
Now she is landed, and the Sculler come back;  
By and by, you shall see what Leander doth lack.  PVP. L. 
Cole, Coal, old Coal.  LAN. 
That is the sculler's name without control.  PVP. L. 
Cole, Coal, I say, Coal.  LAN. 
We do hear you.  PVP. L. 
Old Coal.  LAN 
Old coal? Is the Dyer turned Collier? how do you sell?  PVP. L. 
A pox o'your manners, kiss my hole here, and smell.  LAN. 
Kiss your hole, and smell? there's manners indeed.  PVP. L. 
Why, Coal, I say, Coal.  LAN. 
It's the Sculler you need!  PVP. L. 
ay, and be hanged.  LAN. 
Be hanged; look you yonder,  
Old Coal, you must go hang with Master Leander.  PVP. C. 
Where is he?  PVP. L. 
Here, Coal, what fairest of fairs, was that fare, that thou landedst but now a Trigsstayres?  COK. 
What was that, fellow? Pray thee tell me, I scarce understand 'em.  LAN. 
Leander does ask, Sir, what fairest of fairs,  
Was the fare they landed, but now, at Trigsstayer's?  PVP. C. 
It is lovely Hero.  PVP. L. 
Nero?  PVP. C. 
No, Hero.  LAN. 
It is Hero.  
Of the Bankside, he saith, to tell you truth without erring,  
Is come over into Fish-street to eat some fresh herring.  
Leander says no more, but as fast as he can,  
Gets on all his best clothes; and will after to the Swan.  COK. 
Most admirable good, is't not?  LAN. 
Stay, Sculler.  PVP. C. 
What say you?  LAN. 
You must stay for Leander, and carry him to the wench.  PVP. C. 
You Rogue, I am no Pandar.  COK. 
He says he is no Pandar. 'Tis a fine language; I understand it, now.  LAN. 
Are you no Pandar, Goodman Cole? here's no man says you are, You'll grow a hot Coal, it seems, pray you stay for your fare.  PVP. C. 
Will he come away?  LAN. 
What do you say?  PVP. C. 
I'd ha' him come away.  LEA. 
Would you ha' Leander come away? why pray Sir, stay.  
You are angry, Goodman Cole; I believe the fair Maid  
Came over w' you o' trust: tell us Sculler, are you paid.  PVP. C. 
Yes Goodman hog-rubber, o' Pickt-hatch.  LAV: 
How, hog-rubber, o' Pickt-hatch?  PVP. C. 
I hog-rubber o' Pickt-hatch. Take you that.  LAN. 
O, my head! 
The Puppet strikes him over the pate   PVP. C. 
Harm watch, harm catch.  COK. 
Harm watch, harm catch, he says: very good i' faith, the Sculler had like to ha' knocked you, sirrah.  LAN. 
Yes, but that his fare called him away.  PVP. L. 
Row apace, row apace, row, row, row, row, row.  LAN. 
You are knavishly loaden, Sculler, take heed where you go.  PVP. C. 
Knave i' your face, Goodman Rogue.  PVP. L 
Row, row, row, row, row, row.  COK. 
He said knave i' your face, friend.  LAN. 
I Sir, I heard him. But there's no talking to these watermen, they will ha' the last word  COK. 
God's my life! I am not allied to the Sculler, yet; he shall be Dauphin my boy. But my Fiddlestick does fiddle in and out too much; I pray thee speak to him, on't: tell him, I would have him tarry in my sight, more.  LAN. 
I Pray you be content; you'll have enough on him, Sir.  

Now gentles, I take it, here is none of you so stupid,  
but that you have heard of a little god of love, called Cupid.  
Who out of kindness to Leander, hearing he but (awe her,  
this present day and hour, doth turn himself to a Drawer.  
And because, he would have their first meeting to be merry,  
he strikes Hero in love to him, with a pint of Sherry.  
Which he tells her, from amorous Leander is sent her,  

PVP. Leander goes into Mistress Hero's room  who after him, into the room of Hero, doth venture.   PVP. IO: 
A pint of sack, score a pint of sack, i'the coney.  COK. 
Sack? you said but e'en now it should be Sherry.  PVP. IO: 
Why so it is; sherry, sherry, sherry.  COK. 
Sherry, sherry, sherry. By my troth he makes me merry. I must have a name for Cupid, too. Let me see, thou mightst help me now, an' thou wouldest, Numps, at a dead lift, but thou art dreaming o' the stocks, still! Do not think on't, I have forgot it: 'tis but a nine days' wonder, man; let it not trouble thee.  WAS. 
I would the stocks were about your neck, Sir; condition I hung by the heels in them, till the wonder were off from you, with all my heart.  COK. 
Well said resolute Numps: but hark you friend, where is the friendship, all this while, between my Drum, Damon; and my Pipe, Pythias?  LAN. 
You shall see by and by, Sir?  COK. 
You think my Hobby-horse is forgotten, too; no, I'll see 'em all enact before I go; I shall not know which to love best, else  KNO. 
This Gallant has interrupting vapours, troublesome vapours, Whitt, puff with him.  WHIT. 
No, I pre dee, Captain, let him alone. He is a Child i' faith, la'.  LAN. 
Now gentles, to the friends, who in number, are two,  
and lodged in that Alehouse, in which fair Hero does do.  
Damon (for some kindness done him the last week)  
is come fair Hero, in fish-street, this morning to seek:  
Pythias does smell the knavery of the meeting,  
and now you shall see their true friendly greeting.  PVP. Pi. 
You whoremasterly Slave, you  COK. 
whoremasterly slave, you? very friendly, & familiar, that.  PVP. Da. 
Whoremaster i'thy face,  
Thou hast lain with her thyself, I'll prove't in'is place.  COK. 
Damon says Pythias has lain with her, himself, he'll prove't in this place.  LAN. 
They are Whoremasters both, Sir, that's a plain case.  PVP. Pi. 
You lie, like a Rogue.  LAN. 
Do I lie, like a Rogue?  PVP. Pi. 
A Pimp, and a Scab.  LAN. 
A Pimp, and a Scab?  
I say between you, you have both but one Drab.  PVP. Da. 
You lie again.  LAN. 
Do I lie again?  PVP. Da. 
Like a Rogue again.  LAN. 
Like a Rogue again?  PVP. Pi. 
And you are a Pimp, again.  COK. 
And you are a Pimp again, he says.  PVP. Da. 
And a Scab, again.  COK. 
And a Scab again, he says.  LAN. 
And I say again, you are both whoremasters again, 
They fight.   
and you have both but one Drab again.  PVP. Da. Pi. 
Dost thou, dost thou, dost thou?  AN. 
What, both at once?  PVP. P. 
Down with him, Damon  PVP. D. 
Pink his guts, Pythias.  LAN. 
What, so malicious?  
will ye murder me, Masters both, i'mine own house?  COK. 
Ho! well acted my Drum, well acted my Pipe, well acted still.  WAS. 
Well acted, with all my heart.  LAN. 
Hold, hold your hands  COK. 
ay, both your hands, for my sake! for you ha' both done well.  PVP. D. 
Gramercy pure Pythias.  PVP. P. 
Gramercy, Dear Damon.  COK. 
Gramercy to you both, my Pipe, and my drum.  PVP. P. D. 
Come now we'll together to breakfast to Hero.  LAN. 
'Tis well, you can now go to breakfast to Hero, you have given many breakfast, with a hone and honero.  COK. 
How is't friend, ha' they hurt thee?  LAN. 
O no!  
Between you and I Sir, we do but make show.  
Thus Gentles you perceive, without any denial,  
twixt Damon and Pythias here, friendships true trial.  
Though hourly they quarrel thus, and roar each with other,  
they fight you no more, than does brother with brother.  
But friendly together, at the next man they meet,  
they let fly their anger as here you might see't.  COK. 
Well, we have seen't, and thou hast felt it, whatsoever thou sayest, what's next? what's next?  LEA. 
This while young Leander, with fair Hero is drinking,  
and Hero grown drunk, to any man's thinking!  
Yet was it not three pints of Sherry could flaw her.  
till Cupid distinguished like jonas the Drawer,  
From under his apron, where his lechery lurks,  
put love in her Sack. Now mark how it works.  PVP. H. 
O Leander Leander, my dear my dear Leander,  
I'll for ever be thy goose, so thou'lt be my gander  COK. 
Excellently well said, Fiddle, she'll ever be his goose, so he'll be her gander: was't not so?  LAN. 
Yes, Sir, but mark his answer, now:  PVP. L· 
And sweetest of geese, before I go to bed,  
I'll swim o'er the Thames, my goose, thee to tread.  COK. 
Brave! he will swim o'er the Thames, and tread his goose, too night, he says.  LAN. 
ay, peace, Sir, they'll be angry, if they hear you eavesdropping, now they are setting their match.  PVP. L. 
But lest the Thames should be dark, my goose, my dear friend, let thy window be provided of a candle's end.  PVP. H. 
Fear not my gander, I protest, I should handle my matters very ill, if I had not a whole candle.  PVP. L. 
Well then, look to't, and kiss me to boot.  LAN. 
Now, here come the friends again, Pythias, and Damon, and under their cloaks, 
Damon and Pythias enter.  they have of Bacon, a gammon.  PVP. P. 
Drawer, fill some wine here.  LAN. 
How, some wine there? there's company already, Sir, pray forbear!  PVP. D. 
'Tis Hero.  LAN. 
Yes, but she will not be taken, after sack, and fresh herring, with your Dunmow-bacon.  PVP. P 
You lie, it's Westfabian.  LAN. 
Westphalian you should say.  PVP. D. 

Leander and Hero are kissing.  If you hold not your peace, you are a Coxcomb, I would say.  PVP. 
What's here? what's here? kiss, kiss, upon kiss.  LAN. 
ay, Wherefore should they not? what harm is in this? 'tis Mistress Hero.  PVP. D. 
Mistress Hero's a whore.  LAN. 
Is she a whore? keep you quiet, or Sir Knave out of door.  PVP. D. 
Knave out of door?  PVP. H. 
Yes, Knave, out of door.  PVP. D. 
Whore out of door.  PVP. H. 

Here the Puppets quarrel and fall together by the ears.  I say, Knave, out of door.  PVP. D. 
I say, whore, out of door.  PVP. P. 
Yea, so say I too.  PVP. H. 
Kiss the whore o'the arse.  LAN. 
Now you ha' something to do: you must kiss her o' the arse she says:  PVP. D. P. 
So we will, so we will.  PVP. H. 
O my haunches, O my haunches, hold, hold.  LAN. 
Stand'st thou still?  
Leander, where art thou? stand'st thou still like a sot,  
and not offer'st to break both their heads with a pot?  
See who's at thine elbow, there! Puppet jonas and Cupid.  PVP. I 
upon'em Leander, be not so stupid. 
They fight.   PVP. L. 
You Goat-bearded slave!  PVP. D. 
You whoremaster Knave.  PVP. L. 
Thou art a whoremaster.  PVP. I 
Whoremasters all.  LAN. 
See, Cupid with a word has ta'en up the brawl.  KNO. 
These be fine vapours!  COK. 
By this good day they fight bravely! do they not, Numps?  WAS. 
Yes, they lacked but you to be their second, all this while.  LAN. 
This tragical encounter, falling out thus to busy us,  
It raises up the ghost of their friend Dionysius:  
Not like a Monarch, but the Master of a School,  
in a scrivener's furred gown, which shows he is no fool.  
for therein he hath wit enough to keep himself warm.  
O Demon he cries, and Pythias; what harm,  
Hath poor Dionysius done you in his grave,  
That after his death, you should fall out thus, and rave,  
And call amorous Leander whoremaster Knave?  PVP. D. 
I cannot, I will not, I promise you endure it.   

ACT. V. SCENE. V.  To them BVSY. BVS. 
Down with Dagon, down with Dagon; 'tis I, will no longer endure your profanations.  LAN. 
What mean you, Sir?  BVS. 
I will remove Dagon there, I say, that Idol, that heathenish Idol, that remains (as I may say) a beam, a very beam, not a beam of the Sun, nor a beam of the Moon, nor a beam of a balance, neither a house-beam, nor a Weauers beam, but a beam in the eye, in the eye of the brethren; a very great beam, an exceeding great beam; such as are your Stage players, Rhymers, and morris-dancers, who have walked hand in hand, in contempt of the Brethren, and the Cause; and been borne out by instruments, of no mean countenance.  LAN. 
Sir, I present nothing, but what is licenced by authority.  BAS. 
Thou art all licence, even licentiousness itself, Shimei!  LAN. 
I have the Master of the revels' hand for't, Sir.  BVS. 
The Master of rebel's hand, thou hast; Satan's! hold thy peace, thy scurrility shut up thy mouth, thy profession is damnable, and in pleading for it, thou dost plead for Baal. I have long opened my mouth wide, and gaped, I have gaped as the oyster for the tide after thy destruction: but cannot compass it by suit, or dispute; so that I look for a bickering, ere long, and then a battle.  KNO. 
Good Banbury-vapours.  COK. 
Friend, you'd have an ill match on't, if you bicker with him here, though he be no man o'the fist, he has friends that will go to cuffs for him, Numps, will not you take our side?  EDG. 
Sir, it shall not need, in my mind; he offers him a fairer course, to end it by disputation! hast thou nothing to say for thyself, in defence of thy quality?  LAN. 
Faith, Sir, I am not well studied in these controversies, between the hypocrites and us. But here's one of my Motion, Puppet Donisius shall undertake him, and I'll venture the cause on't.  COK. 
Who? my Hobby-horse? will he dispute with him?  LAN. 
Yes, Sir, and make a hobby-ass of him, I hope.  COK. 
That's excellent! indeed he looks like the best scholar of 'em all. Come, Sir, you must be as good as your word, now.  BVS. 
I will not fear to make my spirit, and gifts known! assist me zeal, fill me, fill me, that is, make me full.  WIN-W. 
What a desperate, profane wretch is this! is there any Ignorance, or impudence like his? to call his zeal to fill him against a Puppet?  QVA. 
I know no fitter match, than a Puppet to commit with an Hypocrite!  BVS. 
First, I say unto thee, Idol, thou hast no Calling.  PVP. D. 
You lie, I am called Dionisius.  LAN. 
The Motion says you lie, he is called Dionysius i'th' matter, and to that calling he answers.  BVS. 
I mean no vocation, Idol, no present lawful Calling.  PVP. D. 
Is yours a lawful Calling?  LAN. 
The Motion asketh, if yours be a lawful Calling?  BVS. 
Yes, mine is of the Spirit.  PVP. D. 
Then Idol is a lawful Calling.  LAN. 
He says, than Idol is a lawful Calling! for you called him Idol, and your Calling is of the spirit.  COK. 
Well disputed, Hobby-horse!  BVS. 
Take not part with the wicked young Gallant. He neigheth and whinnieth, all is but her nying Sophistry. I call him Idol again. Yet, I say, his Calling, his Profession is profane, it is profane, Idol.  PVP. D. 
It is not profane!  LAN. 
It is not profane, he says.  BVS. 
It is profane.  PVP. 
It is not profane.  BVS. 
It is profane.  PVP. 
It is not profane.  LAN 
Well said, confute him with not, still. You cannot bear him down with your base noise, Sir.  BVS. 
Nor he me, with his treble creeking, though he creek like the chariot wheels of Satan; I am zealous for the Cause—  LAN. 
As a dog for a bone.  BVS. 
And I say, it is profane, as being the Page of Pride, and the waiting woman of vanity.  PVP. D. 
Yea? what say you to your Tire-women, then?  LAN. 
Good.  PVP. 
Or feather-makers i'the Friars, that are o'your faction of faith? Are not they with their perukes, and their puffs, their fans, and their huffs, as much Pages of Pride, and waiters upon vanity? what say you? what say you? what say you?  BVS. 
I will not answer for them.  PVP. 
Because you cannot, because you cannot. Is a Bugle-maker a lawful Calling? or the Confect-makers? such you have there: or your French Fashioner? you'd have all the sin within yourselves, would you not? would you not?  BVS. 
No, Dagon.  PVS. 
What then, Dagonet? is a Puppet worse than these?  BVS. 
Yes, and my main argument against you, is, that you are an abomination: for the Male, among you, putteth on the apparel of the Female, and the Female of the Male.  PVP. 
You lie, you lie, you lie abominably.  COK. 
Good, by my troth, he has given him the lie thrice.  PVP. 
It is your old stale argument against the Players, but it will not hold against the Puppets; for we have neither Male nor Female amongst us. And that thou may'st see, if thou wilt, 
The Puppet takes up his garment.  like a malicious purblind zeal as thou art!  EDG. 
By my faith, there he has answered you, friend; by plain demonstration.  PVP. 
Nay, I'll prove, against ere a Rabbin of'em all, that my standing is as lawful as his; that I speak by inspiration, as well as he; that I have as little to do with learning as he; and do scorn her helps as much as he.  BVS, 
I am confuted, the Cause hath failed me.  PVS. 
Then be converted, be converted.  LAN. 
Be converted, I pray you, and let the Play go on!  BVS. 
Let it go on. For I am changed, and will become a beholder with you!  COK. 
That's brave i'faith, thou hast carried it away, Hobby-horse, on with the Play!  IVS. 
Stay, now do I forbid, I Adam Overdoo! sit still, I charge you. 
The justice discovers himself.   COK. 
What, my Brother in-law!  GRA. 
My wise Guardian!  EDG. 
justice Overdoo!  IVS. 
It is time, to take Enormity by the fore head, and brand it▪ for, I have discovered enough.   

ACT. V. SCENE. VI.  To them, QVARLOUS. (like the Madman) PVRE-CRAFT. (a while after) JOHN. to them TROVBLE-ALL. Ursla. NIGHTIGALE. QVAR. 
Nay, come Mistress Bride. You must do as I do, now. You must be mad with me, in truth. I have here justice Overdoo for it.  IVS. 
Peace good Trouble-all; come hither, and you shall trouble none. 
To the Cutpurse, and Mistress Litwit . I will take the charge of you, and your friend too, you also, young man shall be my care, stand there.  EDG. 
Now, mercy upon me.  KNO. 
Would we were away, Whit, these are dangerous vapours, 
The rest are stealing away.  best fall off with our birds, for fear o'the Cage.  IVS. 
Stay, is not my name your terror?  WHI. 
Yesh faith man, and it ish for tat, we would be gone man.  IOH. 
O Gentlemen! did you not see a wife of mine? I ha' lost my little wife, as I shall be trusted: my little pretty Win, I left her at the great woman's house in trust yonder, the pig-woman's, with Captain jordan, and Captain Whit, very good men, and I cannot hear of her. Poor fool, I fear she's stepped aside. Mother, did you not see Win?  IVS. 
If this grave Matron be your mother, Sir, stand by her, Et digito compesce labellum, I may perhaps spring a wife for you, anon. Brother Bartholmew, I am sadly sorry, to see you so lightly given, and such a Disciple of enormity: with your grave Governor Humphrey: but stand you both there, in the middle place; I will reprehend you in your course. Mistress Grace, let me rescue you out of the hands of the stranger.  WIN-W. 
Pardon me, Sir, I am a kinsman of hers.  IVS. 
Are you so? of what name, Sir?  WIN-W. 
Win-wife, Sir.  IVS. 
Master Win-wife? I hope you have won no wife of her, Sir. If you have, I will examine the possibility of it, at fit leisure. Now, to my enormities: look upon me, O London! and see me, O Smithfield; The example of justice, and Mirror of Magistrates: the true top of formality, and scourge of enormity. Harken unto my labours, and but observe my discoveries; and compare Hercules with me, if thou dar'st, of old; or Columbus; Magellan; or our country man Drake of later times: stand forth you weeds of enormity, and spread. First, Rabbi Busy, thou superlunatical hypocrite, next, 
To Busy, To Lantern, To the horse courser, and Cutpurse. Then Cap. Whit, and Mistress Littlewit.  thou other extremity, thou profane professor of Puppetry, little better than Poetry: than thou strong Debaucher, and Seducer of youth; witness this easy and honest young man: now thou Esquire of Dames, Madams, and twelvepenny Ladies: now my green madam herself, of the price. Let me unmask your Ladyship.  IOH. 
O my wife, my wife, my wife!  IVS. 
Is she your wife? Red te Harpocratem!  TRO. 
By your leave, stand by my Masters, be uncovered.  VRS. 
O stay him, stay him, help to cry, Nightingale; my pan, 
Enter Trouble-all.  my pan.  IVS. 
What's the matter?  NIG. 
He has stolen gammer Ursla's pan.  TRO. 
Yes, and I fear no man but justice Overdoo.  IVS. 
Ursla? where is she? O the Sow of enormity, this! 
To Ursla, and Nightingale.  welcome, stand you there, you Songster, there.  VRS. 
An' please your worship, I am in no fault: A Gentleman stripped him in my Booth, and borrowed his gown, and his hat; and he ran away with my goods, here, for it.  JUS· 
Then this is the true madman, and you are the enormity!  QVA. 
You are i'the right, I am mad, 
To Quarlous.  but from the gown outward.  IVS. 
Stand you there.  QVA. 
Where you please, Sir.  OVER 
O lend me a basin, I am sick, I am sick; 
Mistress Overdoo is sick: and her husband is silenced.  where's Mr. Overdoo? Bridget, call hither my Adam.  IVS. 
How?  WHI. 
Die very own wise, i'fait, worshipful Adam.  OVER. 
Will not my Adam come at me? shall I see him no more then?  QVA. 
Sir, why do you not go on with the enormity? are you oppressed with it? I'll help you: hark you Sir, i'your ear, your Innocent young man, you have ta'en such care of, all this day, is a Cutpurse; that hath got all your brother Cokes his things, and helped you to your beating, and the stocks; if you have a mind to hang him now, and show him your Magistrates wit, you may: but I should think it were better, recovering the goods, and to save your estimation in him. I thank you Sr. for the gift of your Ward, Mrs. Grace: look you, here is your hand & seal, by the way Mr. Win-wife give you joy, you are Palemon, you are possessed o'the Gentlewoman, but she must pay me value, here's warrant for it. And honest madman, there's thy gown, and cap again; I thank thee for my wife. Nay, I can be mad, sweet heart, when I please, still; never fear me: 
To the widow.  And careful Numps, where's he? I thank him for my licence.  WAS. 

Wasp misseth the Licence.  How!  QVA. 
'Tis true, Numps.  WAS. 
I'll be hanged then.  QVA. 
Look i'your box, Numps, nay, Sir, stand not you fixed here, like a stake in Finsbury to be shot at, or the whipping post i'the Fair, but get your wife out o'the air, it will make her worse else; and remember you are but Adam, Flesh, and blood! you have your frailty, forget your other name of Overdoo, and invite us all to supper. There you and I will compare our discoveries; and drown the memory of all enormity in your biggest bowl at home.  COK. 
How now, Numps, ha' you lost it? I warrant, 'twas when thou wert i'the stocks: why dost not speak?  WAS. 
I will never speak while I live, again, for aught I know.  IVS. 
Nay, Humphrey, if I be patient, you must be so too; this pleasant conceited Gentleman hath wrought upon my judgement, and prevailed: I pray you take care of your sick friend, Mistress Alice, and my good friends all—  QVA. 
And no enormities.  IVS. 
I invite you home, with me to my house, to supper: I will have none fear to go along, for my intents are Ad correctionem, non ad destructionem; Ad aedificandum, non ad diruendum: so lead on.  COK. 
Yes, and bring the Actors along, we'll ha'the rest o'the Play at home.   
The end.   

 

  

  

  

   

The epilogue.  
YOur Majesty hath seen the Play, and you  
can best allow it from your care, and view.  
You know the scope of Writers, and what store,  
of leave is given them, if they take not more,  
And turn it into licence: you can tell  
if we have used that leave you gave us, well:  
Or whether we to rage, or licence break,  
or be profane, or make profane men speak?  
This is your power to judge (great Sir) and not  
the envy of a few. Which if we have got,  
we value less what their dislike can bring,  
if it so happy be, t'have pleased the King.