The Comical Satire of EVERY MAN OUT OF HIS HUMOUR.  
AS IT WAS FIRST COMPOSED by the AUTHOR B. I.  
Containing more than hath been Publicly Spoken or Acted.  
With the several Character of every Person.  
Non aliena meo pressipede‑* si propius stes  
Te capient magis‑* & decies repetita placebunt.  
LONDON, Printed for William Holme, and are to be sold at his Shop at Sergeants Inn gate in Fleetstreet. 1600.   


The names of the Actors.  
ASPER, The Presenter.  
MACILENTE.  
SAVIOLINA.  
PUNTARVOLO 

His Lady.  
waiting Gent.  
Huntsman.  
servingmen 2.  
Dog and Cat.    
CARLO BUFFONE.  
FASTID. brisk. 

Cinendo his Page.    
DELIRO.  
FALLACE. 

Fido their Servant.  
musicans.    
SORDIDO. His Hind.  
FUNGOSO 

Taylor.  
Haberdasher.  
Shoemaker.    
SOGLIARDO.  
SHIFT.  
CLOVE. 

Rustici.  
A Groom.  
Drawers.  
Constable, and Officers.    
ORENGE.  
GREX. 

Cordatus.  
MITIS.      


ASPER his Character.  
HE is of an ingenious and free spirit, eager and constant in reproof, without fear controlling the world's abuses; One whom no servile hope of Gain, or frosty apprehension of Danger, can make to be a Parasite, either to Time, Place, or Opinion.   

MACILENTE.  
A Man well parted, a sufficient Scholar, and travailed; who (wanting that place in the world's account, which he thinks his merit capable of) falls into such an envious Apoplexy, with which his judgement is so dazzled and distasted, that he grows violently impatient of any opposite happiness in another.   

PUNTARVOLO.  
A Vainglorious Knight, over-Englishing his travels, and wholly consecrated to Singularity; the very jacob's staff of Complement: a Sir that hath lived to see the revolution of Time in most of his apparel. Of presence good enough, but so palpably affected to his own praise, that (for want of flatterers) he commends himself to the floutage of his own Family. He deals upon returns, and strange performances, resolving (in despite of public derision) to stick to his own particular fashion, phrase, and gesture.   

CARLO BUFFONE.  
A Public scurrilous, and profane jester; that (more swift than Circe) with absurd similes will transform any person into Deformity. A good Feast-hound or Banket-beagell, that will sent you out a supper some three mile off, and swear to his Patrons (God dam me) he came in Oars when he was but wasted over in a Sculler. A slave that hath an extraordinary gift in pleasing his palate, and will swill up more Sack at a sitting, than would make all the Guard a Posset. His Religion is railing, and his discourse Ribaldry. They stand highest in his respect, whom he studies most to reproach.   

FASTIDIUS brisk.  
A Neat, spruce, affecting Courtier, one that wears clothes well, and in Fashion; practiseth by his glass how to salute; speaks good Remnants (notwithstanding the bass-viol and Tobacco:) swears tersely, and with variety, cares not what lady's favour he belies, or great man's familiarity: a good property to perfume the boot of a Coach. He will borrow another man's Horse to praise, and backs him as his own. Or for a need on foot can post himself into credit with his Merchant, only with the Jingle of his spur, and the jerk of his Wand.   

DELIRO.  
A Good doting Citizen, who (it is thought) might be of the Common Counsel for his wealth: a fellow sincerely besotted on his own wife, and so rapt with a conceit of her perfections, that he simply holds himself unworthy of her. And in that hoodwinked Humour, lives more like a Suitor than a husband; standing in as true dread of her displeasure, as when he first made love to her. He doth sacrifice twopence in juniper to her every morning before sherises, & wakes her with villanous-out-of-tune Music, which she out of her Contempt (though not out of her judgement) is sure to dislike.   

FALLACE.  
DEliro's Wise and Idol, a proud mincing Peat, and as perverse as he is officious, she dotes as perfectly upon the Courtier, as her husband doth on her, and only wants the Face to be dishonest.   

SAVIOLINA.  
A Court Lady, whose weightiest praise is a light wit, admired by herself and one more, her servant Brisk.   

SORDIDO.  
A Wretched Hobnailed chuff, whose recreation, is reading of Almanacs; and felicity, foul weather. One that never prayed, but for a lean Dearth, and ever wept in a fat Harvest.   

FUNGOSO.  
THe son of Sordido, and a student: one that has revealed in his time, and follows the Fashion afar off like a Spy. He makes it the whole bent of his endeavours to wring sufficient means from his wretched father, to put him in the Courtiers Cut: at which he earnestly aims, but so unluckily, that he still lights short a Suit.   

SOGLIARDO.  
AN essential clown, brother to Sordido, yet so enamoured of the name of a Gentleman, that he will have it though be buys it. He comes up every. Term to learn to take Tobacco & see new Motions. He is in his Kingdom when he can get himself into company, where he may be well laughed at.   

SHIFT.  
A Threadbare Shark. One that never was Soldier, yet lives upon lendings. His profession is skeldering and odling, his Bank Paul's, and his Warehouse Pickt-hatch. Takes up single Testons upon Oaths till doom's day. Falls under Executions of three shillings, & enters into five groat Bonds. He way-layes the reports of services, and cons them without book, damning himself be came new from them, when all the while he was taking the diet in a bawdy house, or lay pawned in his chamber for rent and victuals. He is of that admirable and happy Memory, that he will salute one for an old acquaintance, that he never saw in his life before. He usurps upon Cheats, Quarrels, & Robberies, which he never did, only to get but a name. His chief exercises are taking the Whiff, squiring a Cockatrice, and making privy searches for Imparters.   

CLOVE AND ORENGE.  
AN inseparable Case of Coxcombs, city-born; The Gemini or Twins of foppery: that like a pair of wooden foils, are fit for nothing, but to be practised upon. Being well flattered, they'll lend money, and repent when they ha' done. Their glory is to feast Players, and make Suppers. And in company of better rank (to avoid the suspect of insufficiency) will enforce their Ignorance most desperately, to set upon the understanding of any thing. Orange is the more humorous of the two (whose small portion of juice (being squeezed out) Clove serves to stick him with Commendations.   

CORDATUS.  
THe author's friend; A man inly acquainted with the Scope & Drift of his Plot: Of a discreet and understanding judgement; and has the place of a Moderator.   

MITIS.  
IS a person of no Action, and therefore we have REASON to afford him no Character.    

IT was not near his thoughts that hath published this, either to traduce the Author; or to make vulgar and cheap, any the peculiar and sufficient deserts of the Actors; but rather (whereas many Censures fluttered about it) to give all leave, and leisure, to judge with Distinction.   

Every man out of his Humour.  
Inductio, sono secundo.  GREX. Asper, Cordatus, Mitis. Cord. 
NAy my dear Asper,  Mit. 
Stay your mind,  Asp. 
Away.  
Who is so patient of this impious world,  
That he can check his spirit, or rain his tongue?  
Or who hath such a dead unfeeling sense,  
That heavens horrid thunders cannot wake?  
To see the earth, cracked with the weight of sin,  
Hell gaping under us, and o'er our heads  
Black ravenous Ruin with her sail-stretched wings,  
Ready to sink us down and cover us.  
Who can behold such prodigies as these,  
And have his lips sealed up? not I: my soul  
Was never ground into such oily colours,  
To flatter Vice and daub Iniquity:  
But (with an armed, and resolved hand)  
I'll strip the ragged follies of the time  
Naked as at their birth:  Cord. 
Be not too bold,  Asp. 
You trouble me, and with a whip of steel  
Print wounding lashes in their iron ribs.  
I fear no mood stamped in a private brow,  
When I am pleased t'unmask a public vice.  
I fear no strumpets drugs, nor ruffians stab,  
Should I detect their hateful luxuries;  
No brokers, usurers, or lawyers gripe,  
Were I disposed to say, they're all corrupt.  
I fear no courtiers frown, should I applaud  
The easy flexure of his supple hams:  
Tut, these are so innate and popular,  
That drunken Custom would not shame to laugh  
(In scorn) at him, that should but dare to tax 'em:  
And yet, not one of these but knows his works,  
Knows what Damnation is, the Devil, and Hell,  
Yet hourly they persist, grow rank in sin,  
Puffing their souls away in perjurious air,  
To cherish their extortion, pride, or lusts.  Mit. 
Forbear good Asper, be not like your name.  Asp. 
O, but to such, whose faces are all zeal,  
And (with the words of Hercules) invade  
Such crimes as these; that will not smell of sin,  
But seem as they were made of Sanctity;  
Religion in their garments, and their hair  
Cut shorter than their eyebrows; when the conscience  
Is vaster than the Ocean, and devours  
More wretches than the Counters.  Mit. 
Gentle Asper,  
Contain your spirit in more stricter bounds,  
And be not thus transported with the violence  
Of your strong thoughts.  Cord. 
unless your breath had power  
To melt the world, and mould it new again,  
It is in vain to spend it in these moods.  Asp. 
I not observed this thronged round till now:  
Gracious, and kind Spectators, you are welcome,  
Apollo, and the muse's feast your eyes  
With graceful objects; and may our Minerva  
Answer your hopes, unto their largest strain.  
Yet here, mistake me not judicious friends:  
I do not this to beg your patience,  
Or servilely to fawn on your applause,  
Like some dry brain, despairing in his merit:  
Let me be censured, by th'austerest brow,  
Where I want art, or judgement, tax me freely:  
Let envious Critics with their broadest eyes  
Look through and through me; I pursue no favour:  
Only vouchsafe me your attentions,  
And I will give you music worth your ears.  
O how I hate the monstruousness of time,  
Where every servile imitating spirit,  
(Plagued with an itching leprosy of wit)  
In a mere halting fury, strives to fling  
His ulcerous body in the Thespian spring,  
And straight leaps forth a Poet; but as lame  
As Vulcan, or the founder of Cripplegate.  Mit. 
In faith this Humour will come ill to some,  
You will be thought to be too peremptory.  Asp. 
This Humour? good; and why this Humour, Mitis?  
Nay do not turn, but answer.  Mit. 
Answer? what?  Asp. 
I will not stir your patience, pardon me,  
I urged it for some reasons, and the rather  
To give these ignorant wellspoken days  
Some taste of their abuse of this word Humour.  Cor. 
O do not let your purpose fall, good Asper,  
It cannot but arrive most acceptable,  
Chiefly to such as have the happiness  
Daily to see how the poor innocent word  
Is racked, and tortured.  Mit. 
I; I pray you proceed.  Asp. 
Ha? what? what is 't?  Cord. 
For the abuse of Humour.  Asp. 
O, I crave pardon, I had lost my thoughts.  
Why Humour (as 'tis ens) we thus define it  
To be a quality of air or water,  
And in itself holds these two properties,  
Moisture and Fluxure: As for demonstration,  
Pour water on this floor, 'twill wet and run,  
Likewise the air (forced through a horn or trumpet)  
Flows instantly away, and leaves behind  
A kind of dew; and hence we do conclude,  
That whatsoe'er hath fluxure and humidity,  
As wanting power to contain itself,  
Is Humour: so in every human body  
The choler, melancholy, phlegm, and blood,  
By reason that they flow continually  
In some one part, and are not continent,  
Receive the name of Humours. Now thus far  
It may by Metaphor apply itself  
Unto the general disposition,  
As when some one peculiar quality  
Doth so possess a man, that it doth draw  
All his affects, his spirits, and his powers  
In their confluctions all to run one way,  
This may be truly said to be a Humour,  
But that a Rook in wearing a pied feather,  
The cable hatband, or the three-piled ruff,  
A yard of shoe-tie, or the Switzers knot  
On his French garters, should affect a Humour,  
O, 'tis more than most ridiculous.  Cord. 
He speaks pure truth: now if an Idiot  
Have but an Apish or Fantastic strain,  
It is his Humour.  Asp. 
Well I will scourge those apes,  
And to these courteous eyes oppose a mirror  
As large as is the stage whereon we act,  
Where they shall see the Time's deformity,  
Anatomised in every Nerve and sinew,  
With constant courage, and contempt of fear.  Mit. 
Asper (I urge it as your friend) take heed,  
The days are dangerous, full of exception,  
And men are grown impatient of reproof.  Asp. 
Ha, ha:  
You might as well have told me, yond is heaven,  
This earth, these men; and all had moved alike.  
Do not I know the Time's condition?  
Yes Mitis; and their souls, and who they be  
That either will or can except against me:  
None but a sort of fools, so sick in taste,  
That they contemn all Physic of the mind,  
And like galled Camels kick at every touch  
Good men, and virtuous spirits, that loathe their vices,  
Will cherish my free labours, love my lines,  
And with the fervour of their shining grace,  
Make my brain fruitful to bring forth more objects  
Worthy their serious and intentive eyes.  
But why enforce I this, as fainting? no:  
If any here chance to behold himself,  
Let him not dare to challenge me of wrong,  
For if he shame to have his follies known,  
First he should shame to act 'em: my strict hand  
Was made to cease on vice; and with a gripe  
Crush out the Humour of such spongy souls,  
As lick up every idle vanity.  Cord. 
Why this is right Furor Poeticus:  
Kind gentlemen, we hope your patience  
Will yet conceive the best, or entertain  
This supposition, That a madman speaks.  Asp. 
What? are you ready there? Mitis sit down;  
And my Cordatus. Sound hoe, and begin:  
I leave you two as Censors to sit here,  
Observe what I present, and liberally  
Speak your opinions, upon every Scene,  
As it shall pass the view of these Spectators,  
Nay now, you're tedious Sirs, for shame begin:  
And Mitis, note me if in all this front,  
You can espy a gallant of this mark,  
Who (to be thought one of the judicious)  
Sits with his arms thus wreathed, his hat pulled here,  
Cries meaw, and nods, then shakes his empty head,  
Will show more several motions in his face  
Than the new London, Rome, or Nineveh,  
And (now and then) breaks a dry biscuit jest,  
Which that it may more easily be chewed,  
He steeps in his own laughter.  Cord. 
Why? will that  
Make it be sooner swallowed?  Asp. 
O, assure you:  
Or if it did not, yet as Horace sings:  
"jeiunus rar stomachus vulgaria temnit,  
" Mean cates are welcome still to hungry guests.  Cord. 
'Tis true, but why should we observe 'em Asper?  Asp. 
O I would know 'em, for in such assemblies,  
theyare more infectious than the Pestilence,  
And therefore I would give them pills to purge,  
And make 'em fit for fair societies.  
How monstrous and detested is 't to see  
A fellow that has neither art nor brain,  
Sit like an Aristarchus, or stark ass,  
Taking men's lines with a Tobacco face  
In snuff, still spitting, using his wried looks  
(In nature of a vice) to wrest and turn  
The good aspect of those that shall sit near him,  
From what they do behold? O 'tis most vile.  Mit. 
Nay Asper.  Asp. 
Peace Mitis, I do know your thought:  
You'll say, your audience will except at this?  
Pish: you are too timorous, and full of doubt:  
Then, he a patient, shall reject all Physic  
'Cause the physician tells him you are sick:  
Or, if I say That he is vicious,  
You will not hear of virtue: come, you're fond.  
Shall I be so extravagant to think  
That happy judgements and composed spirits  
Will challenge me for taxing such as these?  
I am ashamed.  Cord. 
Nay, but good pardon us:  
We must not bear this peremptory sail,  
But use our best endeavours how to please.  Asp. 
Why therein I commend your careful thoughts,  
And I will mix with you in industry  
To please; but whom? attentive auditors,  
Such as will join their profit with their pleasure,  
And come to feed their understanding parts:  
For these, I'll prodigally spend myself,  
And speak away my spirit into air;  
For these, I'll melt my brain into invention,  
Coin new conceits, and hang my richest words  
As polished jewels in their bounteous ears.  
But stay, I lose myself, and wrong their patience;  
If I dwell here, they'll not begin, I see:  
Friends sit you still, and entertain this troop  
With some familiar and by-conference,  
I'll haste them sound: now gentlemen I go  
To turn an Actor, and a Humorist,  
Where (ere I do resume my present person)  
We hope to make the circles of your eyes  
Flow with distilled laughter: if we fail,  
We must impute it to this only chance,  
"Art hath an enemy called Ignorance.  Exit. Cord. 
How do you like his spirit, Mitis?  Mit. 
I should like it much better, if he were less confident.  Cord. 
Why, do you suspect his merit?  Mit. 
No, but I fear this will procure him much envy.  Cordatus. 
O, that sets the stronger seal on his desert, if he had no enemies, I should esteem his fortunes most wretched at this instant.  Mit. 
You have seen his play Cordatus? pray you; how is't?  Cord. 
Faith sir, I must refrain to judge, only this I can say of it, 'tis strange, and of a particular kind by itself, somewhat like Vetus Comoedia: a work that hath bounteously pleased me, how it will answer the general expectation, I know not.  Mit. 
Does he observe all the laws of Comedy in it?  Cord. 
What laws mean you?  Mit. 
Why the equal division of it into Acts and Scenes, according to the Terentian manner, his true number of Actors; the furnishing of the Scene with Grex or Chorus, and that the whole Argument fall within compass of a days efficiency.  Cord. 
O no, these are too nice observations.  Mit. 
They are such as must be received by your favour, or it cannot be Authentic.  Cord. 
Troth I can discern no such necessity.  Mit. 
No?  Cord. 
No, I assure you signor; if those laws you speak of, had been delivered us, ab Initio; and in their present virtue and perfection, there had been some reason of obeying their powers: but 'tis extant, that that which we call Comoedia, was at first nothing but a simple and continued Satire, sung by one only person, till Susario invented a second, after him Epicharmus a third, Phormus, and Chionides devised to have four actors, with a Prologue and Chorus; to which Cratinus (long after) added a fift and sixth; Eupolis more, Aristophanes more than they: every man in the dignity of his spirit and judgement, supplied something: and (though that in him this kind of Poem appeared absolute, and fully perfected) yet how is the face of it changed since, in Menander, Philemon, Cecilius, Plautus, and the rest; who have utterly excluded the Chorus, altered the property of the persons, their names, and natures, and augmented it with all liberty, according to the elegancy and disposition of those times wherein they wrote? I see not then but we should enjoy the same Licentia or free power, to illustrate and heighten our invention as they did; and not be tied to those strict and regular forms, which the niceness of a few (who are nothing but Form) would thrust upon us.  Mit. 
Well, we will not dispute of this now: but what's his Scene?  Cor. 
Mary Insula fortunata, Sir.  Mit. 
O, the fortunate Island? mass he has bound himself to a strict law there.  Cor. 
Why so?  Mit. 
He cannot lightly alter the Scene without crossing the seas.  Cor. 
He needs not, having a whole Island to run through, I think.  Mit. 
No? how comes it then, that in some one play we see so many seas, countries, and kingdoms, passed over with such admirable dexterity?  Cor. 
O, that but shows how well the Authors can travail in their vocation, and outrun the apprehension of their Auditory. But leaving this, I would they would begin once: this protraction is able to sour the best-settled patience in the Theatre.  Mit. 
They have answered your wish sir: they sound.  Sound the third time. ENTER prologue. Cord. 
O here comes the Prologue: Now sir, if you had stayed a little longer, I meant to have spoke your Prologue for you, i'faith.  Prol. 
Mary with all my heart sir, you shall do it yet, and I thank you.  Cord. 
Nay, nay, stay, stay, hear you?  Pro. 
You could not have studied to ha' done me a greater benefit at the instant, for I protest to you, I am unperfect, and (had I spoke it) I must of necessity have been out.  Cor. 
Why but do you speak this seriously?  Pro. 
Seriously! I (God's my help do I) and esteem myself indebted to your kindness for it.  Cor. 
For what?  Pro. 
Why for undertaking the Prologue for me.  Cor. 
How? did I undertake it for you?  Pro. 
Did you! I appeal to all these gentlemen whether you did or no? Come, it pleases you to cast a strange look on't now; but 'twill not serve.  Cor. 
Fore God but it must serve: and therefore speak your Prologue.  Pro. 
And I do, let me die poisoned with some venomous hiss, and never live to look as high as the twopenny room again.  Exit. Mit. 
He has put you to it, sir.  Cord. 
'Sdeath, what a humorous fellow is this? Gentlemen, good faith I can speak no Prologue, howsoever his weak wit has had the fortune to make this strong use of me here before you: but I protest;  Enter Carlo Buffone, with a boy. Carl. 
Come, come, leave these fustian protestations: away, come, I cannot abide these gray-headed ceremonies. Boy, fetch me a glass, quickly, I may bid these gentlemen welcome; give 'em a health here: I marl'e whose wit 'twas to put a Prologue in you'd sackbut's mouth: they might well think he'd be out of tune, and yet you'd play upon him too.  Exit boy. Cord. 
Hang him dull block.  Carl. 
O good words, good words, a well-timbered fellow, he would ha' made a good column and he had been thought on when the house was a building. O art thou Enter boy with a glass .come? well said: give me; boy, fill, so: here's a cup of wine sparkles like a diamond. Gentlewomen, (I am sworn to put them in first) and Gentlemen, a round, in place of a bad Prologue, I drink this good draft to your health here, canary, the very elixir and spirit of (He drinks. )wine: this is that our Poet calls Castalian liquour, when he comes abroad (now and then) once in a fortnight, and makes a good meal among Players, where he has Caninum appetitum: mary at home he keeps a good Philosophical diet, beans and buttermilk: an honest pure rogue, he will take you off three, four, five of these one after another, and look villainously when he has done, like a one-headed Cerberus (he do' not hear me I hope) and then (when his belly is well balanced, and his brain rigged a little) he sails away withal, as though he would work wonders when he comes home: he has made a play here, & he calls it; Every man out of his Humour: 'sblood and he get me out of the humour he has put me in, I'll ne'er trust none of his tribe again, while I live: Gentles, all I can say for him, is, you are welcome. I could wish my bottle here amongst you: but there's an old rule; No pledging your own health: mary if any here be thirsty for it, their best way (that I know) is, sit still, seal up their lips, and drink so much of the play in at their ears.  Exit. Mit. 
What may this fellow be, Cordatus?  Cord. 
Faith, if the time will suffer his description, I'll give it you: he is one, the Author calls him Carlo Buffone, an impudent common jester, a violent railer, and an incomprehensible Epicure: one, whose company is desired of all men, but beloved of none; he will sooner lose his soul than a jest, and profane even the most holy things, to excite laughter: no honourable or reverend parsonage whatsoever, can come within the reach of his eye, but is turned into all manner of variety, by his adulterate similes.  Mit. 
You paint forth a monster.  Cord. 
He will prefer all countries before his native, and thinks he can never sufficiently, or with admiration enough, deliver his affectionate conceit of foreign Atheistical policies: but stay, observe these, he'll appear himself anon.  Enter Macilente, solus. Mit. 
O, this is your envious man (Macilente) I think.  Cor. 
The same, sir.  

ACTVS PRIMVS.  

SCENA PRIMA.  Mac. 
Viri est, fortunae caecitatem facile far:  
'tis true; but Stoic: where (in the vast world)  
Doth that man breath, that can so much command  
His blood and his affection? well: I see,  
I strive in vain to cure my wounded soul;  
For every cordial that my thoughts apply  
Turns to a corrosive, and doth eat it farther.  
There is no taste in this Philosophy,  
'tis like a Potion that a man should drink,  
But turns his stomach with the sight of it.  
I am no such piled cynic, to believe  
That beggary is the only happiness;  
Or (with a number of these patient fools)  
To sing: My mind to me a kingdom is,  
When the lank hungry belly barks for food:  
I look into the world, and there I meet  
With objects, that do strike my bloodshot eyes  
Into my brain: where, when I view myself;  
Having before observed: this man is great,  
Mighty, and feared: that, loved and highly favoured:  
A third, thought wise and learned: a fourth, rich,  
And therefore honoured: a fifth, rarely featured:  
A sixth, admired for his nuptial fortunes:  
When I see these (I say) and view myself,  
I wish my Optic instruments were cracked;  
And that the engine of my grief could cast  
Mine eyeballs like two globes of wildfire forth,  
To melt this unproportioned frame of Nature.  
Oh, they are thoughts that have transfixed my heart,  
And often (i' the strength of apprehension)  
Made my cold passion stand upon my face,  
Like drops of sweat on a stiff cake of ice.  GREX. Cor. 
This alludes well to that of the Poet,  
invidus suspirat, gemit, incutitque dentes,  
Sudat frigidus, intuens quod odit.  Mit. 
O peace, you break the Scene.  Enter Sogliardo, with Carlo Buffone.  

SCENA SEC.  Mac. 
Soft, who be these?  
I'll lay me down a while till they be past.  GREX. Cor. 
signor, note this gallant I pray you.  Mit. 
What is he?  Cor. 
A tame Rook, you'll take him presently: List.  Sog. 
Nay look you Carlo: this is my Humour now; I have land and money, my friends left me well, and I will be a gentleman whatsoever it cost me.  Car. 
A most gentlemanlike resolution.  Sog. 
Tut, and I take an humour of a thing once, I am like your tailors needle, I go through: but, for my name signor, how think you? will it not serve for a gentleman's name, when the signor is put to it? Ha?  Car. 
Let me hear: how is't?  Sog. 
signor Insulso Sogliardo: methinks it sounds well.  Car. 
O excellent: tut and all fitted to your name, you might very well stand for a gentleman: I know many Sogliardo's gentlemen.  Sog. 
Why and for my wealth I might be a justice of peace.  Car. 
ay, and a Constable for your wit.  Sog. 
All this is my lordship you see here, and those farms you came by.  Car. 
Good steps to gentility too, mary: but Sogliardo, if you affect to be a gentleman indeed, you must observe all the rare qualities, humours, and compliments of a gentleman.  Sog. 
I know it signor, and if you please to instruct, I am not too good to learn, I'll assure you.  Car. 
Enough sir: I'll make admirable use i'the projection of my medicine upon this lump of copper here. I'll bethink me for you sir.  Sog. 
signor, I will both pay you and pray you, and thank you and think on you.  GREX. Cord. 
Is not this purely good?  Mac. 
'sblood, why should such a prick-eared Hind as this  
be rich? Ha? a fool? such a transparent gull  
That may be seen through? wherefore should he have land,  
Houses, and lordships? O, I could eat my entrails,  
And sink my soul into the earth with sorrow.  Car. 
First (to be an accomplished gentleman, that is, a gentleman of the time) you must give o'er housekeeping in the country, and live altogether in the city amongst gallants; where, at your first appearance, 'twere good you turned four or five hundred acres of your best land into two or three trunks of apparel; you may do it without going to a conjuror: and be sure you mix yourself still, with such as flourish in the spring of the fashion, and are least popular; study their carriage and behaviour in all: learn to play at Primero and Passage, and (ever when you lose) ha' two or three peculiar oaths to swear by, that no man else swears: but above all, protest in your play, and affirm, Upon your credit; As you are a true gentleman (at every cast:) you may do it with a safe conscience, I warrant you.  Sog. 
O admirable rare! he cannot choose but be a gentleman, that has these excellent gifts: more, more, I beseech you.  Car. 
You must endeavour to feed cleanly at your Ordinary, sit melancholy, and pick your teeth when you cannot speak: and when you come to Plays, be Humorous, look with a good starched face, and ruffle your brow like a new boot, laugh at nothing but your own jests, or else as the Noblemen laugh; that's a special grace you must observe.  Sog. 
I warrant you, sir.  Car. 
ay, and sit o'the stage, and flout; provided, you have a good suit.  Sog. 
O I'll have a suit only for that sir.  Car. 
You must talk much of your kindred and allies.  Sog. 
Lies! no signor, I shall not need to do so, I have kindred i'the city to talk of: I have a niece is a merchant's wife; and a nephew, my brother Sordido's son, of the Inns of court.  Car. 
O but you must pretend alliance with courtiers and great persons: and ever when you are to dine or sup in any strange presence, hire a fellow with a great chain (though it be copper it's no matter) to bring you letters, feigned from such a noble man, or such a knight, or such a Lady, To their worshipful, right rare, and noble qualified friend or kinsman, signor Insulso Sogliardo; give yourself style enough. And there (while you intend circumstances of news, or inquiry of their health, or so) one of your familiars (whom you must carry about you still) breaks it up (as't were in a jest) and reads it publicly at the table: at which, you must seem to take as unpardonable offence as if he had torn your mistress colours, or breathed upon her picture; and pursue it with that hot grace, as if you would enforce a challenge upon it presently.  Sog. 
Stay, I do not like that humour of challenge, it may be accepted: but I'll tell you what's my humour now: I will do this, I will take occasion of sending one of my suits to the Tailors to have the pocket repaired, or so; and there such a letter as you talk of (broke open and all) shall be left: O, the tailor will presently give out what I am upon the reading of it: worth twenty of your Gallants.  Car. 
But then you must put on an extreme face of discontentment at your man's negligence.  Sog. 
O, so I will, and beat him too: I'll have a man for the purpose.  Mac. 
You may; you have land and crowns: O partial Fate!  Car. 
Mass well remembered, you must keep your men gallant, at the first, fine pied Liveries laid with good gold lace, there's no loss in it, they may rip't off and pawn it, when they lack victuals.  Sog. 
By'r Lady that is chargeable signor, 'twill bring a man in debt.  Car. 
Debt? why that's the more for your credit sir: it's an excellent policy to owe much in these days, if you note it.  Sog. 
As how good signor? I would fain be a Politician.  Car. 
O, look where you are indebted any great sum, your creditor observes you with no less regard, than if he were bound to you for some huge benefit, and will quake to give you the least cause of offence, lest he lose his money: I assure you (in these times) no man has his servant more obsequious and pliant, than gentlemen their creditors: to whom (if at any time) you pay but a moiety or a fourth part, it comes more acceptedly, than if you gave 'em a new years gift.  Sog. 
I perceive you sir, I will take up, and bring myself in credit sure.  Car. 
Marry this; always beware you commerce not with bankrupts, or poor needy Ludgathians: they are impudent creatures, turbulent spirits, they care not what violent tragedies they stir, nor how they play fast and lose with a poor gentleman's fortunes to get their own: marry, these rich fellows (that ha'the world, or the better part of it, sleeping in their countinghouses) they are ten times more placable, they: either fear, hope, or modesty, restrains them from offering any outrages: but this is nothing to your followers, you shall not run a penny more in arrearage for them, and you list yourself.  Sog. 
No? how should I keep 'em then?  Carl. 
Keep 'em? 'sblood let them keep themselves, they are no sheep, are they? What? you shall come in houses, where plate, apparel, rewels, and divers other pretty commodities lie negligently scattered, and I would ha' those Mercuries follow me (I trow) should remember they had not their fingers for nothing.  Sog. 
That's not so good methinks.  Car. 
Why after you have kept 'em a fortnight or so, and show'd 'em enough to the world, you may turn 'em away, and keep no more but a boy, it 's enough.  Sog. 
Nay my humour is not for boys, I'll keep men, and I keep any; and I'll give coats, that's my humour: but I lack a cullisance.  Car. 
Why now you ride to the city, you may buy one, I'll bring you where you shall ha' your choice for money.  Sog. 
Can you sir?  Car. 
O I: you shall have one take measure of you, and make you a Coat of arms to fit you of what fashion you will.  Sog. 
By word of mouth I thank you signor; I'll be once a little prodigal in a Humour in faith, and have a most prodigious Coat.  Mac. 
Torment and death, break head and brain at once  
To be delivered of your fighting issue.  
Who can endure to see blind Fortune dote thus?  
To be enamoured on this dusty Turf?  
This clod? a whoreson puckfist? O God, God, God, God, etc.  
I could run wild with grief now to behold  
The rankness of her bounties, that doth breed  
Such bulrushes; these mushroom Gentlemen,  
That shoot up in a night to place and worship.  Car. 
Let him alone, some stray, some stray.  Sog. 
Nay I will examine him before I go sure.  Car. 
The Lord of the soil has all wefts and strays here? has he not?  Sog. 
Yes sir.  Car. 
Faith than I pity the poor fellow, he's fallen into a fools hands.  Sog. 
Sirrah, who gave you commission to lie in my Lordship?  Mac. 
Your Lordship?  Sog. 
How? my Lordship? do you know me sir?  Mac. 
I do know you sir.  Car. 
S'heart, he answers him like an Echo.  Sog. 
Why, who am I Sir?  Mac. 
One of those that fortune favours.  Car. 
The Periphrasis of a fool; I'll observe this better.  Sog. 
That fortune favours? how mean you that friend?  Mac. 
I mean simply; That you are one that lives not by your wits.  Sog. 
By my wits? No sir, I scorn to live by my wits, I; I have better means I tell thee, than to take such base courses, as to live by my wits. 'sblood dost thou think I live by my wits?  Mac. 
methinks jester, you should not relish this well.  Car. 
Ha? does he know me?  Mac. 
Though yours be the worst use a man can put his wit too of thousands, to prostitute it at every Tavern and Ordinary; yet( methinks) you should have turned your broad side at this, and have been ready with an Apology, able to sink this Hulk of Ignorance into the bottom, and depth of his Contempt.  Car. 
'sblood 'tis Macilente: signor, you are well encountered, how is't? O we must not regard what he says man, a Trout, a shallow fool, he has no more brain than a Butterfly, a mere stuffed suit, he looks like a musty Bottle, new wickered, his head's the Cork, light, light. I am glad to see you so well returned signor.  Mac. 
You are? Gramercy good janus.  Sog. 
Is he one of your acquaintance? I love him the better for that.  Car. 
God's precious, come away man, what do you mean? and you knew him as I do, you'd shun him, as you'd do the plague?  Sog. 
Why sir?  Car. 
O, he's a black fellow, take heed on him.  Sog. 
Is he a Scholar or a Soldier?  Car. 
Both, both; a lean apparel, he looks as if he were chap-fallen with barking at other men's good fortunes: 'ware how you offend him, he carries Oil and Fire in his pen, will scald where it drops, his Spirit's like Powder, quick, violent: he'll blow a man up with a jest: I fear him worse than a rotten Wall does the Cannon, shake an hour after at the report: away, come not near him.  Sog. 
For God's sake let's be gone, and he be a Scholar, you know I cannot abide him, I had as lief see a Cockatrice, specially as Cockatrices go now.  Car. 
What, you'll stay signor? this gentleman Sogliardo and I are to visit the knight Puntarvolo, and from thence to the City, we shall meet there.  Exeunt Car. and Sog. Mac. 
ay, when I cannot shun you, we will meet.  
'Tis strange: of all the creatures I have seen,  
I envy not this buffoon, for indeed  
Neither his fortunes nor his parts deserve it;  
But I do hate him as I hate the devil,  
Or that brass-visaged monster Barbarism.  
O, 'tis an open-throated, black-mouthed cur,  
That bites at all, but eats on those that feed him,  
A slave, that to your face will (Serpent-like)  
Creep on the ground, as he would eat the dust;  
And to your back will turn the tail and sting  
More deadly than a Scorpion: stay, who's this?  
Now for my soul, another minion  
Of the old lady Chance's: I'll observe him.  Enter Sordido with a Prognostication.  

SCENA TER.  Sord. 
O rare, good, good, good, good, good, I thank my Christ, I thank my Christ for it.  Mac. 
Said I not true? doth not his passion speak  
Out of my divination? O my senses,  
Why lose you not your powers, and become  
Dead, dull, and blunted with this Spectacle?  
I know him, 'tis Sordido, the farmer,  
A Boor, and brother to that Swine was here.  Sor. 
Excellent, excellent, excellent, as I would wish, as I would wish.  Mac. 
See how the strumpet Fortune tickles him,  
And makes him swoon with laughter, O, O, O.  Sord. 
Ha, ha, ha, I will not sow my grounds this year, Let me see, what harvest shall we have? june, july?  Mac. 
What is 't a Prognostication raps him so?  Sord. 
The xx. xxi.xxij. days, rain and wind, O good, good; the xxiij. and xxiiij. rain and some wind, good; the xxv. rain, good still; xxvj. xxvij.xxviij, wind and some rain; would it had been rain and some wind: well 'tis good (when it can be no better) xxix. inclining to rain: inclining rain that's not so good now. xxx. and xxxj. wind and no rain: no rain? 'Slid stay; this is worse and worse: what says he of S. Swithins? turn back, look, S. Swithins: no rain?  Mac. 
O here's a precious filthy damned rogue,  
That fats himself with expectation  
Of rotten weather, and unseasoned hours;  
And he is rich for it, an elder brother,  
His barns are full, his reeks, and mows well trod,  
His garners crack with store. O, 'tis well; ha, ha, ha:  
A plague consume thee and thy house.  Sord. 
O here, S. Swithins, the xu. day, variable weather, for the most part rain, good; for the most part rain: Why it should rain forty days after now, more or less, it was a rule held afore I was able to hold a plough, and yet here are two days, no rain; ha? it makes me muse. we'll see how the next month begins, if that be better. August: August, first, second, third, and fourth days, rainy, and blustering; this is well now: fift, sixth, seventh, eight, and ninth, rain, with some thunder; I marry, this is excellent; the other was false printed sure: the tenth and eleventh, great store of rain; O good, good, good, good, good; the twelft, thirteenth, and fourteenth days, rain; good still: fifteenth and sixteenth, rain; good still: seventeenth and eighteenth, rain, good still; nineteenth and twentieth, Good still, good still, good still, good still, good still; one and twentieth, some rain; some rain? well, we must be patient, and attend the heavens pleasure, would it were more though: the one and twentieth, two and twentieth, three and twentieth, great tempest of rain, thunder, and lightning.  
O good again, past expectation good:  
I thank my blessed angel; never, never,  
Laid I penny better out than this,  
To purchase this dear book: not dear for price,  
And yet of me as dearly prized as life,  
Since in it is contained the very life,  
Blood, strength, and sinews of my happiness:  
Blessed be the hour wherein I bought this book,  
His studies happy that composed the book,  
And the man fortunate that sold the book:  
Sleep with this charm, and be as true to me  
As I am joyed and confident in thee.  Enter a Hind to Sordido with a paper. Mac. 
Ha, ha, ha? I'not this good? Is 't not pleasing this? ha, ha? God's ha?  
Is't possible that such a spacious villain  
Should live and not be plagued? or lies he hid  
Within the wrinkled bosom of the world,  
Where heaven cannot see him? 'sblood( methinks)  
'Tis rare and admirable, that he should breathe, and walk.  
Feed with digestion, sleep, enjoy his health,  
And (like a boisterous Whale swallowing the poor)  
Still swim in wealth and pleasure: is't not strange?  
Unless his house and skin were thunder-proof,  
I wonder at it. methinks now, the hectic,  
Gout, Leprosy, or some such loathed disease  
Might light upon him; or that fire (from heaven)  
Might fall upon his barns; or mice and rats  
Eat up his grain; or else that it might rot  
Within the hoary Reeks, e'en as it stands:  
methinks this might be well; and after all  
The devil might come and fetch him: ay, 'tis true.  
Mean time he surfeits in prosperity,  
And thou (in envy of him) gnaw'st thyself,  
Peace fool, get hence, and tell thy vexed spirit,  
"Wealth in this age will scarcely look on merit.  Exit. Sord. 
Who brought this same sir ha?  Hind. 
Marry sir one of the justices men, he says 'tis a precept, and all their Hands be at it:  Sord. 
ay, and the prints of them stick in my flesh  
Deeper than i' their letters: They have sent me  
Pills wrapped in paper here, that should I take 'em,  
Would poison all the sweetness of my Book,  
And turn my Honey into Hemlock juice:  
But I am wiser than to serve their precepts,  
Or follow their prescriptions: Here's a devise,  
To charge me bring my Grain unto the markets:  
ay, much, when I have neither barn nor Garner,  
Nor Earth to hide it in, I'll bring it; but till then,  
Each corn I send shall be as big as Paul's.  
O, but (say some) the poor are like to starve.  
Why let 'em starve, what's that to me? are Bees  
Bound to keep life in Drones and idle Moths? no:  
Why such are these (that term themselves the poor,  
Only because they would be pitied)  
But are indeed a sort of lazy Beggars,  
Licentious Rogues and sturdy Vagabonds,  
Bred (by the sloth of a fat plenteous year)  
Like snakes in heat of summer out of dung,  
And this is all that these cheap times are good for:  
Whereas a wholesome and penurious Dearth  
Purges the soil of such vile excrements,  
And kills the Vipers up.  Hind. 
O but master,  
Take heed they hear you not.  Sord. 
Why so?  Hind. 
They will exclaim against you.  Sord. 
ay, their exclaims  
Move me as much, as thy breath moves a Mountain;  
Poor worms, they hiss at me, whilst I at home  
Can be contented to applaud myself,  
To sit and clap my hands, and laugh and leap,  
Knocking my head against my roof, with joy  
To see how plump my bags are, and my barns.  
Sirrah, go, hie you home, and bid your fellows  
Get all their flails ready again I come.  Hind. 
I will Sir.  Exit Hind. Sord. 
I'll instantly set all my hinds to thrashing  
Of a whole Reek of corn, which I will hide  
Under the ground; and with the straw thereof  
I'll stuff the outsides of my other mows:  
That done, I'll have 'em empty all my Garners,  
And i' the friendly Earth bury my store,  
That when the Searchers come they may suppose  
All's spent, and that my fortunes were belied.  
And to lend more opinion to my want,  
And stop that many-mouthed vulgar Dog,  
(Which else would still be baying at my door)  
Each market day, I will be seen to buy  
Part of the purest Wheat, as for my household:  
Where when it comes, it shall increase my heaps,  
'twill yield me treble gain at this dear time,  
Promised in this dear Book: I have cast all,  
Till then I will not sell an care, I'll hang first.  
O I shall make my prizes as I list,  
My House and I can feed on Pease and Barley,  
What though a world of Wretches starve the while?  
"He that will thrive, must think no courses vile.  Exit. GREX. Cord. 
Now signor, how approve you this? have the Humorists expressed themselves truly or no?  Mit. 
Yes (if it be well prosecuted) 'tis hitherto happy enough: but methinks Macilente went hence too soon, he might have been made to stay and speak somewhat in reproof of Sordido's wretchedness, now at the last.  Cor. 
O no, that had been extremely improper, beside he had continued the Scene too long with him as't was, being in no more action.  Mit. 
You may enforce the length as a necessary reason; but for propriety the Scene would very well have born it, in my judgement.  Cor. 
O worst of both: why you mistake his Humour utterly then.  Mit. 
How? do I mistake it? is't not Envy?  Cord. 
Yes, but you must understand signor, he envies him not as he is a villain, a wolf i' the commonwealth, but as he is rich and fortunate; for the true condition of envy, is Dolour alienae felicitatis, to have our eyes continually fixed upon another man's prosperity, that is his chief happiness, and to grieve at that. Where as if we make his monstrous and abhorred actions, our object, the grief (we take then) comes nearer the nature of Hate than Envy, as being bred out of a kind of contempt and loathing in ourselves.  Mit. 
So you'll infer it had been Hate, not Envy in him, to reprehend the humour of Sordido?  Cord. 
Right, for what a man truly envies in another, he could always love, and cherish in himself; but no man truly reprehends in another what he loves in himself, therefore Reprehension is out of his Hate. And this distinction hath he himself made in a speech there (if you marked it) where he says, I envy not this buffoon, but I hate him.  Mit. 
Stay sir: I envy not this buffoon, but I hate him: why might he not as well have hated Sordido as him?  Cord. 
No sir, there was subject for his envy in Sordido; his wealth: So was there not in the other, he stood possessed of no one eminent gift, but a most odious and fiend-like disposition, that would turn Charity itself into Hate, much more Envy for the present.  Enter Carlo Buffone, Sogliardo, Fastidius brisk, Cinedo.   

ACTUS SECUNDUS,  

SCENA PRIMA.  Mit. 
You have satisfied me sir, O here comes the Fool and the jester again methinks.  Cord. 
'Twere pity they should be parted sir.  Mit. 
What bright-shining gallant's that with them? the knight they went to?  Cord. 
No sir, this is one Monsieur Fastidius brisk, otherwise called the fresh frenchified courtier.  Mit. 
A humorist too?  Cord. 
As humorous as quicksilver, do but observe him, the Scene is the country still, remember.  Fast. 
Cinedo, watch when the knight comes, & give us word.  Cine. 
I will sir.  Exit. Fast. 
How lik'st thou my boy, Carlo?  Car. 
O well, well, he looks like a colonel of the Pigmy's horse, or one of these motions in a great antic clock: he would show well upon a haberdasher's stall, at a corner shop rarely.  Fast. 
S'heart, what a damned witty rogue's this? how he confounds with his similes?  Car. 
Better with similes than smiles: and whither were you riding now signor?  Fast. 
Who I? what a silly jest's that? whither should I ride but to the Court?  Car. 
O pardon me sir, twenty places more: your hothouse, or your—  Fast. 
By the virtue of my soul this knight dwells in Elysium here.  Carl. 
he's gone now, I thought he would fly out presently. These be our nimble-sprighted Catsoes that ha' there evasions at pleasure, will run over a bog like your wild Irish; no sooner started, but they'll leap from one thing to another like a squirrel, heigh; Dance, and do tricks i' their discourse, from Fire to Water, from Water to Air, from Air to Earth, as if their tongues did but e'en lick the four Elements over, and away.  Fast. 
Sirrah Carlo, thou never sawst my grey Hobby yet, didst thou?  Carl. 
No: ha' you such a one?  Fast. 
The best in Europe (my good villain) thou'lt say, when thou seest him.  Car. 
But when shall I see him?  Fast. 
There was a Noble man i' the Court offered me 100 pound for him by this light: a fine little fiery slave, he runs like a (O) excellent, excellent, with the very sound of the spur.  Carl. 
How? the sound of the spur?  Fast. 
O, it's your only humour now extant sir: a good jingle, a good jingle.  Carl. 
'sblood you shall see him turn morris-dancer, he has got him bells, a good suit, and a hobby-horse.  Sog. 
signor, now you talk of a Hobby-horse, I know where one is, will not be given for a brace of angels.  Fast. 
How is that Sir?  Sog. 
Mary sir I am telling this gentleman of a Hobby-horse, it was my father's indeed, and (though I say it  Carl. 
That should not say it) on, on.  Sog. 
He did dance in it with as good humour and as good regard as any man of his degree whatsoever, being no Gentleman: I have danced in it myself too.  Car. 
Not since the Humour of gentility was upon you? did you?  Sog. 
Yes once; marry, that was but to show what a gentleman might do in a Humour.  Carl. 
O very good.  GREX. Mit. 
Why this fellows discourse were nothing but for the word Humour.  Cord. 
O bear with him, and he should lack matter and words too, 'twere pitiful.  Sog. 
Nay look you Sir, there's ne'er a Gentleman i' the country has the like humours for the Hobby-horse as I have; I have the Method for the threading of the needle, the—  Carl. 
How the Method.  Sog. 
ay, the legerity for that, and the wigh-hie, and the daggers in the nose, and the travels of the egg from finger to finger, all the humours incident to the quality. The horse hangs at home in my parlour, I'll keep it for a monument, as long as I live sure.  Carl. 
Do so; and when you die, 'twill be an excellent Trophy to hang over your tomb.  Sog. 
Mass, and I'll have a tomb (now I think on't) 'tis but so much charges.  Carl. 
Best build it in your life time then, your heirs may hap to forget it else.  Sog. 
Nay I mean so, I'll not trust to them.  Carl. 
No, for heirs and executors are grown damnably careless, specially since the ghosts of Testators left walking: how like you him signor?  Fast. 
'Fore heavens his Humour arrides me exceedingly.  Car. 
Arrides you?  Fast. 
ay, pleases me (a pox on 't) I am so haunted at the court & at my lodging with your refined choice spirits, that it makes me clean of another Garb, another strain, I know not how; I cannot frame me to your harsh vulgar phrase, 'tis against my Genius.  Sog. 
signor Carlo.  GREX. Cord. 
This is right to that of Horace, Dum vitant stulti vitia in contraria currunt: so this gallant labouring to avoid Popularity, falls into a habit of Affectation ten thousand times more hateful than the former.  Car. 
Who he? a gull? a fool? no salt in him i' the earth man: he looks like a fresh Salmon kept in a tub; he'll be spent shortly, his brain's lighter than his feather already, and his tongue more subject to lie, than that's to wag: he sleeps with a musk-cat every night, and walks all day hanged in Pomander chains for penance: he has his skin tanned in civet, to make his complexion strong, and the sweetness of his youth lasting in the sense of his sweet lady. A good empty Puff, he loves you well signor.  Sog. 
There shall be no love lost Sir, I'll assure you.  Fast. 
Nay Carlo, I am not happy i' thy love I see, prithee suffer me to enjoy thy company a little (sweet mischief) by this air, I shall envy this gentleman's place in thy affections, if you be thus private i'faith: how now? is the knight arrived?  Enter Cinedo. Cine. 
No sir, but 'tis guessed he will arrive presently, by his forerunners.  Fast. 
His hounds! by Minerva an excellent Figure; a good boy.  Carl. 
You should give him a French crown for it: the boy would find two better Figures i' that, & a good Figure of your bounty beside.  Fast. 
Tut, the boy wants no crowns.  Carl. 
No crown: speak i' the singular number, and we'll believe you.  Fast. 
Nay, thou art so capriciously conceited now: Sirrah (Damnation) I have heard this knight Puntarvolo, reported to be a gentleman of exceeding good humour: thou know'st him; prithee, how is his disposition? I ne'er was so favoured of my stars as to see him yet. Boy, do you look to the Hobby?  Cin. 
ay sir, the groom has set him up.  Fast. 
'Tis well: I rid out of my way of intent to visit him, and take knowledge of his: Nay good Wickedness, his humour, his humour.  Carl. 
Why he loves dogs, and hawks, and his wife well: he has a good riding face, and he can sit a great horse; he will taint a staff well at tilt: when he is mounted, he looks like the sign of the George, that's all I know; save that in stead of a Dragon he will brandish against a tree, and break his sword as confidently upon the knotty bark, as the other did upon the scales of the beast.  Fast. 
O, but this is nothing to that's delivered of him: they say he has dialogues, and discourses between his horse, himself, and his dog; and that he will court his own Lady, as she were a stranger never encountered before,  Car. 
ay, that he will, and make fresh love to her every morning: this Gentleman has been a Spectator of it, signor Insulso.  Sog. 
I am resolute to keep a Page: say you sir?  Carl. 
You have seen signor Puntarvolo accost his Lady?  Sog. 
O, I sir.  Fast. 
And how is the manner of it prithee good signor?  Sog. 
Faith sir in very good sort; he has his humours for it sir: as first, (suppose he were now to come from riding, or hunting, or so) he has his trumpet to sound, and then the waiting Gentlewoman, she looks out; and then he speaks, and then she speaks: very pretty i'faith Gentlemen.  Fast. 
Why, but do you remember no particulars, signor?  Sog. 
O, yes sir: first, the Gentlewoman she looks out at the window.  Carl. 
After the trumpet has summoned a parley? not before?  Sog. 
No sir, not before: and then says he; ha, ha, ha, ha, etc.  Car. 
What says he? be not rapt so.  Sog. 
Says he; ha, ha, ha, ha, etc.  Fast. 
Nay speak, speak.  Sog. 
Ha, ha, ha, Says he: God save you, ha, ha, etc.  Car. 
Was this the ridiculous motive to all this passion?  Sog. 
Nay that, that comes after is: ha, ha, ha, ha, etc.  Car. 
Doubtless he apprehends more than he utters, this fellow: or else.  Sog. 
Lift, lift, they are come from hunting: A cry of hounds within .stand by, close under this Terrace, & you shall see it done better than I can show it.  Car. 
So it had need, 'twill scarce poise the observation else.  Sog. 
Faith I remember all, but the manner of it is quite out of my head.  Fast. 
O withdraw, withdraw, it cannot be but a most pleasing object.  Enter Puntarvolo, a Huntsman with a greyhound. Pun. 
forester, give wind to thy Horn. Enough; by this the sound hath touched the ears of the enclosed: Depart, leave the dog, and take with thee what thou hast deserved; the Horn, and thanks.  Carl. 
I mary, there's some taste in this.  Fast. 
It's not good?  Sog. 
Ah peace, now above, now above.  The waiting Gentlewoman appears at the window. Punt. 
Stay: mine eye hath (on the instant) through the bounty of the window, received the form of a Nymph. I will step forward three paces: of the which, I will barely retire one; and (after some little flexure of the knee) with an erected grace salute her: 1, 2, and 3. Sweet Lady, God save you.  Gent. 
No forsooth: I am but the waiting Gentlewoman.  Carl. 
He knew that before.  Punt. 
Pardon me: Humanum est errare.  Carl. 
He learned that of a Puritan.  Punt. 
To the perfection of Complement (which is the dial of the thought, and guided by the Sun of your beauties) are required these three Projects: the Gnomon, the punctilioes, and the Superficies: the Superficies, is that we call Place; the punctilioes, Circumstance; and the Gnomon, ceremony: in either of which, for a stranger to err, 'tis easy and facile; and such am I.  Carl. 
True, not knowing her Horizon, he must needs err: which I fear, he knows too well.  Punt. 
What call you the Lord of the castle? sweet Face.  Gent. 
The Lord of the castle is a knight sir; signor Puntarvolo.  Punt. 
Puntarvolo? O.  Car. 
Now must he ruminate.  Fast. 
Does the wench know him all this while then?  Carl. 
O, do you know me man? why therein lies the syrup of the jest; it's a Project, a designment of his own, a thing studied, and rehearsed as ordinarily at his coming from hawking or hunting, as a jig after a Play.  Sog. 
ay, e'en like your jig sir.  Punt. 
'Tis a most sumptuous and stately edifice; what years is the knight, fair Damsel?  Gent. 
Faith much about your years sir.  Punt. 
What complexion, or what stature bears he?  Gen. 
Of your stature, and very near upon your complexion.  Punt. 
Mine is Melancholy:  Carl. 
So is the dogs, just.  Pun. 
And doth argue constancy, chiefly in love. What are his endowments? Is he courteous?  Gent. 
O the most courteous Knight upon God's earth sir.  Punt. 
Is he magnanimous?  Gent. 
As the skin between your brows sir.  Pun. 
Is he bountiful?  Carl. 
'sblood, he takes an Inventory of his own good parts.  Gent. 
Bountiful? I sir I would you should know it; the poor are served at his gate early and late sir.  Punt. 
Is he learned?  Gen. 
O, I sir, he can speak the French and Italian.  Punt. 
Then he is travailed?  Gen. 
I forsooth, he hath been beyond-sea once or twice.  Carl. 
As far as Paris, to fetch over a fashion and come back again.  Punt. 
Is he religious?  Gent. 
Religious? I know not what you call Religious, but he goes to Church I am sure.  Fast. 
S'hd methinks these answers should offend him.  Carl. 
Tut no; he knows they are excellent, and to her capacity that speaks 'em.  Punt. 
Would I might see his face.  Carl. 
she should let down a glass from the window at that word, and request him to look in't.  Punt. 
Doubtless, the gentleman is most exact, and absolutely qualified? doth the castle contain him?  Gen. 
No Sir, he is from home, but his Lady is within.  Punt. 
His Lady? what is she fair? splendidious? and amiable?  Gent. 
O jesu sir!  Punt. 
prithee dear Nymph, entreat her beauties to shine on this side of the building.  Exit Gent. from the window. Carl. 
That he may erect a new dial of complement, with his Gnomon, and his punctilioes.  Fast. 
Nay, thou art such another cynic now, a man had need walk uprightly before thee.  Carl. 
Heart, can any man walk more upright than he does? Look, look; as if he went in a frame, or had a suit of wainscot on: and the dog watching him lest he should leap out on't.  Fast. 
O villain!  Carl. 
Well, and e'er I meet him in the city, I'll ha' him jointed, I'll pawn him in Eastcheap among butchers else.  Fast. 
Peace, who be these, Carlo?  Enter Sordido, with his son Fungoso. Sord. 
Yonder's your godfather; do your duty to him son.  Sog. 
This sir? a poor elder brother of mine sir, a yeoman, may dispend some seven or eight hundred a year: that's his son, my nephew there.  Punt. 
You are not ill-come neighbour Sordido, though I have not yet said welcome: what, my godson is grown a great Proficient by this?  Sord. 
I hope he will grow great one day, sir.  Fast. 
What does he study? the law?  Sog. 
ay sir, he is a gentleman, though his father be but a yeoman.  Car. 
What call you your nephew, signor?  Sog. 
Mary his name is Fungoso.  Car. 
Fungoso? O, he looked somewhat like a sponge in that pinked doublet methought: well, make much of him; I see he was never borne to ride upon a moil.  Gen. 
My Lady will come presently sir.  Enter Gent. above. Sog. 
O now, now.  Punt. 
Stand by, retire yourselves a space: nay, pray you, forget not the use of your hat; the air is piercing.  Sordido and Fungoso withdraw at the other part of the stage, mean time the Lady is come to the window. Fast. 
What? will not their presence prevail against the current of his humour?  Carl. 
O no: it's a mere flood, a Torrent, carries all afore it.  Punt. 
What more than heavenly pulchritude is this?  
What Magazine, or treasury of bliss?  
Dazzle, you organs to my optic sense,  
To view a creature of such eminence:  
O I am planet-struck, and in yond Sphere,  
A brighter star than Venus doth appear.  Fast. 
How? in verse?  Carl. 
an Ecstasy, an Ecstasy, man.  Lady. 
Is your desire to speak with me, sir Knight?  Carl. 
He will tell you that anon; neither his Brain, nor his Body, are yet moulded for an answer.  Punt. 
Most debonair, and Luculent Lady, I decline me as low as the Basis of your Altitude.  GREX. Cord. 
He makes congees to his wife in Geometrical proportions.  Mit. 
Is't possible there should be any such Humorist?  Cor. 
Very easily possible, Sir, you see there is.  Punt. 
I have scarce collected my spirits, but lately scattered in the admiration of your Form; to which (if the bounties of your mind be any way responsible) I doubt not but my desires shall find a smooth and secure passage. I am a poor Knight-errant (Lady) that hunting in the adjacent Forest, was by adventure in the pursuit of a Hart, brought to this place; which Heart (dear madam) escaped by enchantment: the evening approaching (my self and servant wearied) my suit is, to enter your fair Castle, and refresh me.  Lady. 
Sir Knight, albeit it be not usual with me (chiefly in the absence of a husband) to admit any entrance to strangers, yet in the true regard of those innated virtues, and fair parts which so strive to express themselves in you; I am resolved to entertain you to the best of my unworthy power; which I acknowledge to be nothing, valued with what so worthy a person may deserve. Please you but stay, while I descend.  she departs: and Puntarvolo falls in with Sordido, and his son. Punt. 
Most admired Lady, you astonish me.  Car. 
What? with speaking a speech of your own penning?  Fast. 
Nay look; pray thee peace.  Carl. 
Pox on't: I am impatient of such foppery.  Fast. 
O let's hear the rest.  Carl. 
What? a tedious Chapter of Courtship, after sir Lancelot, and Queen Guinevere? away: I mar'le in what dull cold nook he found this Lady out? that (being a woman) she was blessed with no more Copy of wit, but to serve his Humour thus. 'sblood, I think he feeds her with Porridge, I: she could ne'er have such a thick brain else.  Sog. 
Why is Porridge so hurtful, signor?  Carl. 
O, nothing under heaven more prejudicial to those ascending subtle powers, or doth sooner abate that which we call, Acumen Ingenij, than your gross fare: why I'll make you an Instance: your City wives, but observe 'em, you ha' not more perfect true fools i' the world bred than they are generally; & yet you see (by the fineness and delicacy of their Diet, diving into the fat Capons, drinking your rich wines, feeding on Larks, Sparrows, Potato pies, and such good unctuous meats) how their wits are refined and rarefied: & sometimes a very Quintessence of conceit flows from 'em, able to drown a weak Apprehension.  Fast. 
Peace, here comes the Lady.  Enter Lady with her Gent. and seeing them, turns in again. Lady. 
God's me, here's company: turn in again.  Fast. 
'Slight, our presence has cut off the convoy of the jest.  Car. 
All the better; I am glad on't: for the issue was very perspicuous. Come, let's discover, and salute the knight.  Carlo and the other two, step forth to Punt. Punt. 
Stay: who be these that address themselves towards us? what Carlo? now by the Sincerity of my Soul, welcome; welcome Gentlemen: and how dost thou, thou Grand Scourge; or, Second Untruss of the time?  Carl. 
Faith spending my metal in this Reeling world (here and there) as the sway of my Affection carries me, and perhaps stumble upon a yeoman pewterer, as I do now; or one of Fortune's Moils laden with treasure, and an empty Cloak-bag following him, gaping when a bag will untie.  Punt. 
Peace you Bandog peace: what brisk Nimfadoro is that in the white virgin boot there?  Carl. 
Mary sir, one, that I must entreat you take a very particular knowledge of, and with more than ordinary respect: Monsieur Fastidius.  Punt. 
Sir, I could wish that for the time of your vouchsafed abiding here, and more Real entertainment, this my house stood on the muse's hill; and these my Orchards were those of the Hesperides.  Fast. 
I possess as much in your wish sir, as if I were made Lord of the Indies; and I pray you believe it.  Carl. 
I have a better opinion of his Faith, than to think it will be so corrupted.  Sog. 
Come brother, I'll bring you acquainted with Gentlemen, & good fellows, such as shall do you more grace, than—  Sord. 
Brother, I hunger not for such acquaintance: Do you take heed, least:—  Carlo is coming toward them. Sog. 
hushed: my Brother sir, for want of education sir, somewhat nodding to the Boor, the Clown; but I request you in private sir.  Fung. 
By jesu, it's a very fine suit of clothes.  GREX. Cor. 
Do you observe that, signor? there's another Humour has new cracked the shell.  Mit. 
What? he is enamoured of the Fashion, is he?  Cor. 
O you forestall the jest.  Fun. 
I mar'le what it might stand him in?  Sog. 
Nephew?  Fun. 
'Fore God it's an excellent Suit, and as neatly becomes him. What said you Uncle?  Sog. 
When saw you my Niece?  Fun. 
Mary yesternight I supped there. That kind of Boot does very rare too.  Sog. 
And what news hear you?  Fun. 
The guilt Spur and all: would I were hanged, but 'tis exceeding good. Say you?  Sog. 
Your mind is carried away with somewhat else: I ask what news you hear?  Fung. 
Troth we hear none: in good faith I was never so pleased with a fashion days of my life; O (and I might have but my wish) I'd ask no more of God now, but such a Suit, such a Hat, such a Band, such a Doublet, such a Hose, such a Boot, and such a—  Sog. 
They say there's a new Motion of the city of Nineveh, with jonas and the Whale, to be seen at Fleet-bridge? you can tell cousin?  Fung. 
Here's such a world of question with him now: Yes, I think there be such a thing, I saw the picture: would he would once be satisfied. Let me see, the Doublet, say fifty shillings the Doublet, & between three or four pound the Hose; then Boots, the Hat, and Band: some ten or eleven pound would do it all, and suit me for the heavens.  Sog. 
I'll see all those devices, and I come to London once.  Fung. 
God's 'slid, and I could compass it, 'twere rare: hark you Uncle.  Sog. 
What says my Nephew?  Fung. 
Faith Uncle, I'd ha' desired you to have made a motion for me to my father in a thing, that; walk aside and I'll tell you sir, no more but this: there's a parcel of Law books, (some twenty pounds worth) that lie in a place for little more than half the money they cost; and I think for some twelve pound or twenty mark, I could go near to redeem 'em: there's Plowden, Diar, Brook, and Fitz-Herbert; divers such as I must have ere long: and you know I were as good save five or six pound as not, Uncle: I pray you move it for me.  Sog. 
That I will: when would you have me do it? presently?  Fung. 
O ay, I pray you good Uncle: God send me good luck; Lord (an't be thy will) prosper it: O jesu; now, now, if it take (O Christ) I am made for ever.  Fast. 
Shall I tell you sir: by this air I am the most beholding to that Lord, of any Gentleman living; he does use me the most honourably, and with the greatest respect, more indeed, than can be uttered with any opinion of truth.  Punt. 
Then have you, the Count Gratiato?  Fast. 
As true noble a Gentleman too as any breaths; I am exceedingly endeared to his love: by jesu, (I protest to you signor, I speak it not gloriously, nor out of affectation, but) there's he, and the Count Frugal, signor Illustre, signor Luculento, and a sort of 'em; that (when I am at the Court) they do share me amongst 'em. Happy is he can enjoy me most private; I do wish myself sometime an Ubiquitary for their love, in good faith.  Carl: 
There's ne'er a one of these but might lie a week on the rack, ere they could bring forth his name; and yet he powers them out as familiarly as if he had seen 'em stand by the fire i'the Presence, or ta'en Tobacco with them over the stage i'the Lords room.  Punt. 
Then you must of necessity know our Court-star there? that Planet of wit, Madonna Saviolina?  Fast. 
O Lord Sir! my mistress.  Punt. 
Is she your mistress?  Fast. 
Faith, here be some slight favours of hers sir, that do speak it, She is; as this Scarf sir, or this Ribbon in mine ear, or so; this Feather grew in her sweet Fan sometimes, though now it be my poor fortunes to wear it as you see sir; slight, slight; a foolish toy.  Punt. 
Well, she is the Lady of a most exalted, and ingenious spirit.  Fast. 
Did you ever hear any woman speak like her? or enriched with a more plentiful discourse?  Carl. 
O villaInous! nothing but Sound, Sound, a mere Echo; she speaks as she goes tired, in Cobweb lawn, light, thin: good enough to catch flies withal.  Punt. 
O, manage your affections.  Fast. 
Well, if thou be'st not plagued for this blasphemy one day:—  Punt. 
Come, regard not a jester; it is in the power of my purse to make him speak well or ill of me.  Fast. 
Sir, I affirm it to you (upon my Credit and judgement) she has the most Harmonious and Musical strain of Wit, that ever tempted a true ear; and yet to see, a rude tongue will profane Heaven.  Punt. 
I am not ignorant of it sir.  Fast. 
Oh, it flows from her like Nectar, and she doth give it, that sweet, quick grace, and exornation in the composure, that (By this good Heaven) she does observe as pure a Phrase, and use as choice Figures in her ordinary conferences, as any be i'the Arcadia.  Carl. 
Or rather in Greene's works, whence she may steal with more security.  Sord. 
Well, if ten pound will fetch 'em, you shall have it, but I'll part with no more.  Fun. 
I'll try what that will do, if you please.  Sord. 
Do so: and when you have 'em, study hard.  Fun. 
Yes sir: and I could study to get forty shillings more now: well, I will put myself into the Fashion, as far as this will go presently.  Sord. 
I wonder it rains not! the Almanac says we should have store of rain to day.  Pun. 
Why sir, tomorrow I will associate you to the Court myself; and from thence to the City, about a Business, a Project I have: I will expose it to you sir: Carlo I am sure has heard of it.  Car. 
What's that sir?  Punt. 
I do intend this year of jubilee to travail: and (because I will not altogether go upon expense) I am determined to put forth some five thousand pound, to be paid me five for one, upon the return of myself, my Wife, and my Dog, from the Turks Court in Constantinople. If all, or either of us miscarry in the journey, 'tis gone: if we be successful, why, there will be xxv. thousand pound to entertain time withal. Nay, go not neighbour Sordido; stay tonight, and help to make our society the fuller. Gentlemen, frolic: Carlo? what? dull now?  Carl. 
I was thinking on your Project sir, and you call it so: is this the Dog goes with you?  Punt. 
This is the Dog sir.  Carl. 
He do'not go barefoot, does he?  Punt. 
Away you traitor, away.  Carl. 
Nay afore God, I speak simply; he may prick his foot with a thorn, and be as much as the whole venture is worth. Besides, for a Dog that never travailed before, its huge journey to Constantinople: I'll tell you now (and he were mine) I'd have some present conference with a Physician, what Antidotes were good to give him, and Preservatives against poison: for (assure you) if once your money be out, there'll be divers attempts made against the life of the poor Animal.  Punt. 
Thou art still dangerous.  Fast. 
Is signor Deliro's wife your kinswoman?  Sog. 
ay sir, she is my Niece, my brother's daughter here, and my nephews sister.  Sord. 
Do you know her sir?  Fast. 
O God sir, signor Deliro her husband is my Merchant.  Fung. 
ay, I have seen this Gentleman there, often.  Fast. 
I cry you mercy sir: let me crave your name, pray you.  Fun. 
Fungoso sir.  Fast. 
Good signor Fungoso, I shall request to know you better sir.  Fun. 
I am her brother Sir.  Fast. 
In fair time sir.  Pun. 
Come Gentlemen, I will be your Conduct.  Fast. 
Nay pray you sir; we shall meet at signor Deliro's often.  Sog. 
You shall ha'me at the Herald's office sir, for some week or so, at my first coming up. Come Carlo.  Exeunt. GREX. Mit. 
methinks Cordatus, he dwelled somewhat too long on this Scene; it hung i'the hand.  Cord. 
I see not where he could have insisted less, and t'have made the Humours perspicuous enough.  Mit. 
True, as his Subject lies: but he might have altered the shape of Argument, & explicated 'em better in single Scenes.  Cord. 
That had been Single indeed: why? be they not the same persons in this, as they would have been in those? and is it not an object of more State, to behold the Scene full, and relieved with variety of Speakers to the end, than to see a vast empty stage, and the Actors come in (one by one) as if they were dropped down with a feather into the eye of the Audience?  Mit. 
Nay, you are better traded with these things than I, and therefore I'll subscribe to your judgement; mary you shall give me leave to make objections.  Cord. 
O what else? it's the special intent of the Author you should do so: for thereby others (that are present) may as well be satisfied, who happily would object the same you do.  Mit. 
So sir, but when appears Macilente again?  Enter Macilente, Deliro, Fido, with herbs and perfumes. Cord. 
Mary he stays but till our silence give him leave: here he comes, and with him signor Deliro a merchant, at whose house he is come to sojourn: Make your own observation now; only transfer your thoughts to the City with the Scene; where, suppose they speak.   

SCENA TERTIA.  Deliro. 
I'll tell you by and by sir.  
Welcome (good Macilente) to my house,  
To sojourn even for ever; if my best  
In cates, and every sort of good entreaty  
May move you stay with me.  Deliro turns to his boy, and falls a strowing of flowers. Mac. 
I thank you sir:  
And yet the muffled Fates (had it pleased them)  
Might have supplied me from their own full store  
Without this word (I thank you) to a fool.  
I see no reason why that Dog (called Chance)  
Should fawn upon this fellow more than me:  
I am a man, and I have Limbs, Flesh, Blood,  
Bones, Sinews, and a Soul as well as he:  
My parts are every way as good as his,  
If I said better? why I did not lie,  
Natheless his wealth (but nodding on my wants)  
Must make me bow, and cry: I thank you Sir.  Deli. 
Dispatch, take heed your mistress see you not.  Fido. 
I warrant you sir.  Exit Fido. Deli. 
Nay gentle friend be merry, raise your looks  
Out of your bosom, I protest (by heaven)  
You are the man most welcome in the world.  Mac. 
I thank you Sir, I know my cue I think.  Enter Fido with two Censors. Fido. 
Where will you have 'em burn Sir?  Deli. 
Here good Fido:  
What? she did not see thee?  Fido. 
No Sir.  Deli. 
That's well:  
Strew, strew, good Fido, the freshest flowers, so.  Mac. 
What means this signor Deliro?  Deli. 
Cast in more Frankincense, yet more, well said.  
O Macilente, I have such a wife,  
So passing fair, so passing fair unkind,  
And of such worth and right to be unkind,  
(Since no man can be worthy of her kindness.)  Mac. 
What can there not?  Deli. 
No, that is sure as death,  
No man alive: I do not say is not,  
But cannot possibly be worth her kindness.  
Nay that is certain, let me do her Right:  
How said I? do her Right? as though I could,  
As though this dull gross tongue of mine could utter  
The rare, the true, the pure, the infinite Rights  
That sit (as high as I can look) within her.  Mac. 
This is such dotage as was never heard.  Deli. 
Well, this must needs be granted.  Maci. 
Granted quoth you?  Deli. 
Nay Macilente; do not so discredit  
The goodness of your judgement to deny it,  
For I do speak the very least of her.  
And I would crave and beg no more of heaven  
For all my fortunes here, but to be able  
To utter first in fit terms, what she is,  
And then the true joys I conceive in her.  Maci. 
Is't possible she should deserve so well  
As you pretend?  Deli. 
ay, and she knows so well  
Her own deserts that (when I strive t'enjoy them)  
She ways the things I do, with what she merits:  
And (seeing my worth outweighed so in her graces)  
She is so solemn, so precise, so froward,  
That no observance I can do to her,  
Can make her kind to me: if she find fault,  
I mend that fault, and then she says I faulted  
That I did mend it. Now good Friend advise me  
How I may temper this strange Spleen in her.  Mac. 
You are too amorous, too obsequious,  
And make her, too assured she may command you.  
When women doubt most of their husband's loves,  
They are most loving. husband's must take heed  
They give no gluts of kindness to their wives,  
But use them like their Horses, whom they feed  
Not with a manger-ful of meat together,  
But half a peck at once, and keep them so  
Still with an appetite to that they give them.  
He that desires to have a loving wife,  
Must bridle all the show of that desire:  
Be kind, not amorous, nor bewraying kindness,  
As if Love wrought it, but considerate Duty:  
"Offer no love-rites, but let wives still seek them,  
" For when they come unsought, they seldom like them.  Deli. 
Believe me Macilente, this is Gospel.  
O that a man were his own man so much,  
To rule himself thus; I will strive i' faith  
To be more strange and careless: yet I hope  
I have now taken such a perfect course,  
To make her kind to me, and live contented,  
That I shall find my kindness well returned,  
And have no need to fight with my affections.  
She (late) hath found much fault with every room  
Within my house; One was too big (she said)  
Another was not furnished to her mind,  
And so through all: All which I have altered.  
Then here she hath a place (on my backside)  
Wherein she loves to walk; and that (she said)  
Had some ill smells about it. Now this walk  
Have I (before she knows it) thus perfumed  
With herbs and flowers, and laid in diverse places  
(As 'twere on Altars consecrate to her)  
Perfumed Gloves, and delicate chains of Amber,  
To keep the air in awe of her sweet nostrils:  
This have I done, and this I think will please her.  
Behold she comes.  Enter Fallace. Fall. 
Here's a sweet stink indeed:  
What, shall I ever be thus crossed and plagued?  
And sick of Husband? O my head doth ache  
As it would cleave asunder with these savours,  
All my Room's altered, and but one poor walk  
That I delighted in, and that is made  
So fulsome with perfumes, that I am feared  
(My brain doth sweat so) I have caught the Plague.  Deli. 
Why (gentle wife) is now thy walk too sweet?  
Thou saidst of late it had sour airs about it,  
And found'st much fault, that I did not correct it.  Fal. 
Why, and I did find fault Sir?  Deli. 
Nay dear wife;  
I know thou hast said thou hast loved perfumes,  
No woman better.  Fall. 
ay, long since perhaps,  
But now that Sense is altered: you would have me  
(Like to a puddle or a standing pool)  
To have no motion, nor no spirit within me.  
No, I am like a pure and sprightly River,  
That moves for ever, and yet still the same;  
Or fire that burns much wood, yet still one flame.  Deli. 
But yesterday, I saw thee at our garden  
Smelling on Roses and on purple flowers,  
And since I hope the Humour of thy Sense  
Is nothing changed.  Fall. 
Why those were growing flowers,  
And these within my walk are cut and strewed.  Deli. 
But yet they have one sent.  Fall. 
ay, have they so?  
In your gross judgement: if you make no difference  
Betwixt the scent of growing flowers and cut ones,  
You have a sense to taste lamp-oil, i'faith.  
And with such judgement have you changed the chambers,  
Leaving no room that I can joy to be in  
In all your house: and now my walk and all  
You smoke me from, as if I were a Fox,  
And long belike to drive me quite away:  
Well walk you there, and I'll walk where I list.  Deli. 
What shall I do? oh I shall never please her.  Mic. 
Out on thee dotard, what star ruled his birth?  
That brought him such a Star? blind Fortune still  
Bestows her gifts on such as cannot use them:  
How long shall I live, ere I be so happy,  
To have a wife of this exceeding Form?  
Away with 'em, would I had broke a joint,  
When I devised this that should so dislike her,  
Away, be are all away.  Fido bears all away. Fall. 
I do: for fear.  
Ought that is there should like her. O this man  
How cunningly he can conceal himself,  
As though he loved? loved? nay honoured and adored?  Deli. 
Why, my sweet heart?  Fall. 
Sweet heart? oh, better still:  
And asking, why? wherefore? and looking strangely,  
As if he were as white as innocence.  
Alas, you're simple, you: you cannot change,  
Look pale at pleasure, and then red with Wonder:  
No, no, not you: I did but cast an amorous eye e'en now  
Upon a pair of Gloves that somewhat liked me,  
And straight he noted it, and gave command  
All should be ta'en away.  Deli. 
Be they my bane then:  
What sirrah, Fido, bring in those Gloves again  
You took from hence.  Enter Fido. Fall. 
'sbody sirrah, but do not:  
Bring in no Gloves to spite me: if you do—  Deli. 
Ay me, most wretched; how am I misconstrued?  Mac. 
O, how she tempts my heartstrings with her eye,  
To knit them to her Beauties, or to break?  
What moved the heavens, that they could not make  
Me such a woman? but a man; a Beast,  
That hath no bliss like to others. Would to God  
(In wreak of my misfortunes) I were turned  
To some fair water-Nymph, that set upon  
The deepest whirlpit of the ravenous Seas,  
My Adamantine eyes might headlong hale  
This Iron world to me, and drown it all.  Enter Fungoso in Briske's suit. GREX. Cord. 
Behold, behold, the translated Gallant.  Mit. 
O, he is welcome.  Fung. 
God save you Brother, and Sister, God save you sir; I have commendations for you out i'the country: (I wonder they take no knowledge of my Suit:) mine Uncle Sogliardo is in town; Sister, methinks you are Melancholy: why are you so sad? I think you took me for Master Fastidius brisk (Sister) did you not?  Fall. 
Why should I take you for him?  Fung. 
Nay nothing, I was lately in Master Fastidius his company, and methinks we are very like.  Deli. 
You have a fair suit Brother, God give you joy on't.  Fung. 
Faith good enough to ride in Brother, I made it to ride in.  Fall. 
O, now I see the cause of his idle demand was his new suit.  Deli. 
Pray you good Brother; try if you can change her mood.  Fung. 
I warrant you, let me alone. I'll put her out of her dumps. Sister, how like you my suit?  Fall. 
O you are a gallant in print now Brother.  Fung. 
Faith, how like you the fashion? it's the last Edition I assure you.  Fall. 
I cannot but like it to the desert.  Fung. 
Troth sister, I was feign to borrow these Spurs, I ha' left my gown in gage for 'em, pray you lend me an angel.  Fall. 
Now beshrew my heart then.  Fung. 
Good truth I'll pay you again at my next exhibitior: I had but bore ten pound of my father, and it would not reach to put me wholly into the fashion.  Fall. 
I care not.  Fung. 
I had Spurs of mine own before, but they were not Ginglers. Monsieur Fastidius will be here anon Sister.  Fall. 
You jest?  Fung. 
Never lend me penny more (while you live then) and that I'd be loath to say, in truth.  Fall. 
When did you see him?  Fung. 
Yesterday, I came acquainted with him at Sir Puntarvolo's: nay sweet Sister.  Mac. 
I fain would know of heaven now, why yond fool  
Should wear a suit of Satin? he? that Rook?  
That painted jay with such a deal of outside?  
What is his inside trow? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.  
Good Heaven give me patience,  
A number of these popinjays there are,  
Whom if a man confer, and but examine  
Their inward merit, with such men as want;  
Lord, Lord, what things they are!  Fall. 
Come, when will you pay me again now?  Fung. 
O God Sister.  Enter Fastidius brisk in a new suit. Mac. 
Here comes another.  Fast. 
Save you signor Deliro: how dost thou sweet Lady? Let me kiss thee.  Fung. 
How? a new suit? Ay me.  Deli. 
And how does Master Fastidius Brisk?  Fast. 
Faith live in court signor Deliro, in grace I thank God, both of the noble Masculine and Feminine. I must speak with you in private by and by.  Deli. 
When you please Sir.  Fall. 
Why look you so pale brother?  Fung. 
'Slid all this money is cast away now.  Mac. 
ay, there's a newer Edition come forth.  Fung. 
'tis but my hard fortune: well, I'll have my suit changed, I'll go fetch my tailor presently, but first I'll devise a letter to my father. Ha' you any pen and ink Sister?  Fall. 
What would you do withal?  Fung. 
I would use it. 'Slight and it had come but four days sooner the Fashion.  Exit. Fast. 
There was a Countess gave me her hand to kiss today i' the presence: 'did me more good by jesu, then, and yesternight sent her Coach twice to my lodging, to entreat me accompany her, and my sweet mistress, with some two or three nameless Ladies more: O, I have been graced by 'em beyond all aim of affection: this her garter my dagger hangs in: and they do so commend and approve my apparel, with my judicious wearing of it, it's above wonder.  Fall. 
Indeed Sir, 'tis a most excellent suit, and you do wear it as extraordinary.  Fast. 
Why I'll tell you now (in good faith) and by this Chair, which (by the grace of God) I intend presently to sit in, I had three Suits in one year, made three great Ladies in love with me: I had other three, undid three Gentlemen in imitation: & other three, got three other Gentlemen, widows of three thousand pound a year.  Deli. 
Is't possible?  Fast. 
O believe it sir; your good Face is the Witch, & your Apparel the Spells, that bring all the pleasures of the world into their Circle.  Fall. 
Ah, the sweet Grace of a Courtier!  Mac. 
Well, would my father had left me but a good Face for my portion yet; though I had shared the unfortunate Wit that goes with it, I had not cared: I might have passed for somewhat i'the world then.  Fast. 
Why, assure you signor, rich apparel has strange virtues: it makes him that hath it without means, esteemed for an excellent Wit: he that enjoys it with means, puts the world in remembrance of his means: it helps the deformities of Nature, and gives Lustre to her beauties; makes continual Holiday where it shines; sets the wits of Ladies at work, that otherwise would be idle: furnisheth your two-shilling Ordinary; takes possession of your Stage at your new Play; and enricheth your Oars, as scorning to go with your skull.  Mac. 
Pray you sir, add this; it gives Respect to your fools, makes many Thieves, as many Strumpets, and no fewer Bankrupts.  Fall. 
Out, out, unworthy to speak where he breatheth.  Fast. 
What's he, signor?  Deli. 
A friend of mine, sir.  Fast. 
By heaven, I wonder at you Citizens, what kind of Creatures you are?  Deli. 
Why sir?  Fast. 
That you can consort yourselves with such poor seam-rent fellows.  Fall. 
He says true.  Deli. 
Sir I will assure you( however you esteem of him) he's a man worthy of regard.  Fast. 
Why? what has he in him of such virtue to be regarded? ha?  Deli. 
Marry he is a Scholar Sir.  Fast. 
Nothing else?  Deli. 
And he is well travailed.  Fast. 
He should get him clothes: I would cherish those good parts of travel in him, and prefer him to some Nobleman of good place.  Deli. 
Sir, such a benefit should bind me to you for ever (in my friends right) and I doubt not but his desert shall more than answer my praise.  Fast. 
Why, and he had good clothes, I'd carry him to the Court with me tomorrow.  Deli. 
He shall not want for those Sir, if Gold and the whole City will furnish him.  Fast. 
You say well Sir: faith signor Deliro, I am come to have you play the Alchemist with me, and change the Species of my land, into that metal you talk of.  Deli. 
With all my heart Sir, what sum will serve you?  Fast. 
Faith some three or fourscore pound.  Deli. 
Troth Sir I have promised to meet a Gentleman this morning in Paul's, but upon my return I'll dispatch you.  Fast. 
I'll accompany you thither.  Deli. 
As you please Sir; but I go not thither directly.  Fast. 
'Tis no matter, I have no other designment in hand, and therefore as good go along.  Deli. 
I were as good have a quartan fever follow me now, for I shall ne'er be rid of him: (bring me a Cloak there one) Still upon his grace at the Court am I sure to be visited; I was a beast to give him any hope. Well, would I were in that I am out with him once, and— Come signor Macilente, I must confer with you as we go. Nay dear wife, I beseech thee forsake these moods: look not like winter thus. Here take my keres, open my counting houses, spread all my wealth before thee, choose any object that delights thee: If thou wilt eat the spirit of Gold, and drink dissolved Pearl in wine, 'tis for thee.  Fall. 
So Sir.  Deli. 
Nay my sweet wife.  Fall. 
Good Lord! how you are perfumed in your terms and all: pray you leave us.  Deli. 
Come Gentlemen.  Fast. 
Adieu, sweet Lady.  Exeunt all but Fallace. Fall. 
ay, ay, Let thy words ever sound in mine ears, and thy Graces disperse contentment through all my senses: O, how happy is that Lady above other Ladies, that enjoys so absolute a Gentleman to her Servant! A Countess give him her hand to kiss! ah foolish Countess; he is a man worthy (if a woman may speak of a man's worth) to kiss the lips of an Empress.  Enter Eungoso, with his tailor. Fun. 
What's Master Fastidius gone, Sister?  Fall. 
I brother: he has a Face like a Cherubin.  Fun. 
God's me, what luck's this? I have fetched my tailor and all: which way went he Sister? can you tell?  Fall. 
Not I, in good faith: and he has a Body like an Angel.  Fun. 
How long is't since he went?  Fall. 
Why but e'en now: did you not meet him? and a Tongue able to ravish any woman i'the earth.  Fun. 
O, for God's sake (I'll please you for your pains:) but e'en now, say you? Come good sir: 'Slid I had forgot it too: Sister, if anybody ask for mine Uncle Sogliardo, they shall ha' him at the Herald's Office yonder by Paul's.  Exit, with his tailor. Fall. 
Well, I will not altogether despair: I have heard of a citizens wife has been beloved of a Courtier; and why not I? heigh ho: well, I will into my private Chamber, lock the door to me, and think over all his good parts one after another.  Exit. GREX. Mit. 
Well, I doubt this last Scene will endure some grievous Torture.  Cord. 
How? you fear 'twill be racked by some hard Construction?  Mit. 
Do not you?  Cord. 
No in good faith: unless mine eyes could light me beyond Sense, I see no reason why this should be more Liable to the Rack than the rest: you'll say perhaps the City will not take it well, that the Merchant is made here to dote so perfectly upon his wife; and she again, to be so Fastidiously affected, as she is?  Mit. 
You have uttered my thought sir, indeed.  Cord. 
Why (by that proportion) the Court might as well take offence at him we call the Courtier, and with much more Pretext, by how much the place transcends and goes before in dignity and virtue: but can you imagine that any Noble or true spirit in the Court (whose Sinewy, and altogether unaffected graces, very worthily express him a Courtier) will make any exception at the opening of such an empty Trunk as this Brisk is? or think his own worth impeached by beholding his motley inside?  Mit. 
No Sir, I do not.  Cord. 
No more, assure you, will any grave wise Citizen, or modest Matron, take the object of this Folly in Deliro and his Wife; but rather apply it as the foil to their own virtues: For that were to affirm, that a man writing of Nero, should mean all Emperors: or speaking of Machiavell, comprehend all Statesmen; or in our Sordido, all farmers; and so of the rest: than which, nothing can be uttered more malicious and absurd. Indeed there are a sort of these narrow-eyed Decipherers, I confess, that will extort strange and abstruse meanings out of any Subject, be it never so Conspicuous and Innocently delivered. But to such( where'er they sit concealed) let them know, the Author defies them, and their writing-Tables; and hopes, no sound or safe judgement will infect itself with their contagious Comments, who (indeed) come here only to pervert and poison the sense of what they hear, and for nought else.  Mit. 
Stay, what new Mute is this that walks so suspiciously?    

ACTUS TERTIUS,  

SCENA PRIMA.  Enter Cavalier Shift, with two Siquisses in his hand. Cord. 
O, marry this is one, for whose better Illustration; we must desire you to presuppose the Stage, the middle Isle in Paul's; and that, the West end of it.  Mit. 
So Sir: and what follows?  Cord. 
Faith a whole volume of Humour, and worthy the unclasping  Mit. 
As how? what name do you give him first?  Cord. 
He hath shift of name's Sir: some call him Apple john, some signor Whiff, marry his main standing name is Cavalier Shift: the rest are but as clean shirts to his Nature's  Mit. 
And what makes he in Paul's now?  Cord. 
Troth as you see, for the advancement of a Siquis or two; wherein he has so varied himself, that if any one of 'em take, he may hull up and down i'the Humorous world a little longer:  Mit. 
It seems then, he bears a very changing sail?  Cord. 
O, as the wind Sir: here comes More.  Enter Orenge. Shift. 
This is rare, I have set up my bills without discovery.  Oren. 
What? signor Whiff? what fortune has brought you into these West parts?  Shift. 
Troth signor, nothing but your Rheum; I have been taking an ounce of Tobacco hard by here with a gentleman, and I am come to spit private in Paul's. God save you Sir.  Oren. 
A dieu good signor Whiff.  Enter Clove. Clove. 
Master Apple john? you are well met: when shall we sup together, and laugh and be fat with those good wenches? ha?  Shift. 
Faith Sir, I must now leave you, upon a few Humours and occasions: but when you please Sir.  Exit. Clove. 
Farewell sweet Apple john: I wonder there are no more store of Gallants here?  GREX. Mit. 
What be these two, signor?  Cor. 
Mary a couple sir, that are mere strangers to the whole scope of our Play; only come to walk a turn or two in'is Scene of Paul's by chance.  They walk together. Oren. 
Save you, good Master Clouc.  Clove. 
Sweet Master Orange.  GREX. Mit. 
How? Clove, and Orange?  Cor. 
ay, & they are well met, for 'tis as dry an Orange as ever Grew: nothing but Salutation, and O God sir, and It pleases you to say so Sir; one that can laugh at a jest for company with a most plausible, and extemporal grace; and some hour after in private ask you what it was: the other, Monsieur Clove, is a more spiced youth: he will sit you a whole afternoon sometimes, in a booksellers shop, reading the Greek, Italian, and Spanish; when he understands not a word of either: if he had the Tongues to his Suits, he were an excellent Linguist.  Clove. 
Do you hear this reported for certainty?  Oreng. 
O good sir.  Enter Puntarvolo, Carlo: two serving men following, one leading the Dog. Punt. 
Sirrah, take my Cloak: and you sir knave, follow me closer: if thou losest my Dog, thou shalt die a dogs death; I will hang thee.  Carl. 
Tut, fear him not, he's a good lean slave, he loves a Dog well I warrant him; I see by his looks, I: mass he's somewhat like him. 'sblood poison him, make him away with a crooked pin, or somewhat man; thou mayst have more security of thy life: and so Sir, what? you ha' not put out your whole venture yet? ha' you?  Punt. 
No, I do want yet some fifteen or sixteen hundred pounds: but my Lady (my wife) is out of her Humour; she does not now go.  Carl. 
No? how then?  Punt. 
Mary, I am now enforced to give it out, upon the return of myself, my Dog, and my Cat.  Carl. 
Your Cat? where is she?  Punt. 
My Squire has her there in the Bag: Sirrah, look to her: How lik'st thou my change, Carlo?  Car. 
Oh, for the better sir; your Cat has nine lives, & your wife ha' but one.  Punt. 
Besides, she will never be seasick, which will save me so much in Conserves: when saw you signor Sogliardo?  Car. 
I came from him but now, he is at the Herald's Office yonder: he requested me to go afore and take up a man or two for him in Paul's, against his Cognisance was ready.  Punt. 
What? has he purchased arms then?  Car. 
ay, and rare ones too: of as many Colours, as e'er you saw any fools coat in your life. I'll go look among yond Bills, and I can fit him with Legs to his Arms.  Punt. 
With Legs to his Arms! Good: I will go with you sir.  They go to look upon the Bills. Enter Fastidius, Deliro, and Macilente. Fast. 
Come, let's walk in the Mediterraneum: I assure you sir I am not the least respected among Ladies; but let that pass: do you know how to go into the Presence Sir?  Mac. 
Why, on my feet sir.  Fast. 
No, on your head sir: for 'tis that must bear you out, I assure you: as thus sir: You must first have an especial care so to wear your Hat, that it oppress not confusedly this your Predominant or Foretop; because (when you come at the Presence door) you may with once or twice stroking up your Forehead thus, enter with your Predominant perfect: that is, standing up stiff.  Mac. 
As if one were frighted?  Fast. 
ay sir.  Mac. 
Which indeed, a true fear of your mistress should do, rather than Gum water, or whites of Eggs: is't not so Sir?  Fast. 
An Ingenious observation: give me leave to crave your name sir.  Deli. 
His name is Macilente sir.  Fast. 
Good signor Macilente: if this Gentleman, signor Deliro, furnish you (as he says he will) with clothes, I will bring you tomorrow by this time into the Presence of the most Divine and Acute Lady of the Court: you shall see sweet Silent Rhetoric, and Dumb Eloquence speaking in her eye; but when she speaks herself, such an Anatomy of Wit, so Sinewized and Arterized, that 'tis the goodliest Model of pleasure that ever was, to behold. Oh, she strikes the world into Admiration of her; (O, O, O) I cannot express 'em believe me.  Mac. 
O, your only Admiration, is your silence, sir.  Punt. 
'Fore God Carlo, this is good; let's read 'em again: If there be any Lady, or Gentlewoman of good carriage, that is desirous to entertain (to her private uses) a young, straight, and upright Gentleman, of the age of five, or six and twenty at the most: who can serve in the nature of a Gentleman Usher, and hath little legs of purpose, and a black Satin Suit of his own to go before her in: which Suit (for the more sweetening) now lies in lavender: and can hide his face with her Fan, if need require: or sit in the cold at the stair foot for her as well as another Gentleman: Let her subscribe her Name and Place, and diligent respect shall be given. This is above measure excellent: ha?  Carl. 
No this, this: here's a fine slave.  Punt. 
If this City, or the Suburbs of the same, do afford any young Gentleman, of the first, second, or third head, more or less, whose friends are but lately deceased, & whose lands are but new come to his hands, that (to be as exactly qualified as the best of our ordinary Gallants are) is affected to entertain the most Gentlemanlike use of Tobacco: as first, to give it the most exquisite Presume: then, to know all the delicate sweet Forms for the Assumption of it: as also the rare Corollary and practice of the Cuban Ebolition, EURIPUS, and Whiff; which we shall receive or take in here at London, and evaporate at Uxbridge, or farther, if it please him. If there be any such Generous spirit, that is truly enamoured of these good faculties: May it please him, but (by a note of his hand) to specify the place, or ordinary where he uses to eat and Lie, and most sweet attendance with Tobacco, and Pipes of the best sort shall be ministered: STET QVAESO CANDIDE LECTOR. why this is without Parallel, this!  Carlo 
Well, I'll mark this fellow for Sogliardo's use presently.  Punt. 
Or rather, Sogliardo for his use.  Carlo. 
Faith either of 'em will serve, they are both good Properties: I'll design the other a place too, that we may see him.  Punt. 
No better place than the Mitre, that we may be Spectators with you Carlo. Soft, behold, who enters here: signor Sogliardo! God save you.  Enter Sog. Sog. 
Save you good sir Punt arvolo; your dog's in health sir I see: how now Carlo?  Carl. 
We have ta'en simple pains to choose you out followers here.  Punt. 
Come hither signor.  They show him the Bills. Clove. 
Monsieur Orange, yond Gallants observes us; prithee let's talk Fustian a little and gull 'em: make 'em believe we are great Scholars.  Oreng. 
O Lord sir.  Clove. 
Nay, prithee let's, by jesu; you have an excellent habit in discourse.  Oreng. 
It pleases you to say so sir.  Clove. 
By this Church you ha' la: nay come, begin: Aristotle in his Daemonologia approves Scaliger for the best Navigator in his time: and in his Hypercritiques, he reports him to be Heautontimoroumenos: you understand the Greek sir?  Oreng. 
O God sir.  Mac. 
For society's sake he does. O here be a couple of fine tame parrots.  Clove. 
Now Sir, Whereas the Ingenuity of the time, and the soul's Synderisis are but embryons in Nature, added to the paunch of Esquiline, and the Intervallum of the Zodiac, besides the Ecliptic line being Optic, and not Mental, but by the contemplative and Theoric part there of, doth demonstrate to us the vegetable circumference, and the ventosity of the Tropicks, and whereas our intellectual or mincing capreal, (according to the metaphysics) as you may read in Plato's Histriomastix. You conceive me Sir?  Oren. 
O Lord Sir.  Clove. 
Then coming to the pretty Animal, as Reason long since is fled to Animals you know, or indeed for the more modelizing or enameling, or rather diamondizing of your subject, you shall perceive the Hipothersis or Galaxia, (where of the Meteors long since had their Initial inceptions and Notions) to be merely pythagorical, Mathematical, and Aristocratical: for look you Sir, there is ever a kind of Concinnity and Species. Let us turn to our former discourse, for they mark us not.  Fast. 
Mass, yonder's the knight Puntarvolo.  Deli. 
And my cousin Sogliardo methinks.  Mac. 
ay, and his familiar that haunts him, the Devil with a shining face.  Deli. 
Let 'em alone, observe 'em not.  Sogliardo, Punt. Car. walk. Sog. 
Nay I will have him, I am resolute for that, by this Parchment Gentlemen, I have been so toiled among the heralds yonder, you will not believe, they do speak i'the strangest language, and give a man the hardest terms for his money, that ever you knew.  Carl. 
But ha' you arms? ha' your arms?  Sog. 
I'faith, I thank God I can write myself Gentleman now, here's my Patent, it cost me thirty pound by this breath.  Punt. 
A very fair Coat, well charged and full of armory.  Sog. 
Nay, it has as much variety of colours in it, as you have seen a Coat have, how like you the Crest Sir?  Punt. 
I understand it not well, what is't?  Sog. 
Marry Sir, it is your Boar without a head Rampant.  Punt. 
A Boar without a head, that's very rare.  Carl. 
ay, and Rampant too: troth I commend the Herald's wit, he has deciphered him well: A Swine without a head, without brain, wit, any thing indeed, Ramping to Gentility. You can blazon the rest signor? can you not?  Sog. 
hey, I have it in writing here of purpose, it cost me two shillings the tricking.  Carl. 
Let's hear, Let's hear.  Punt. 
It is the most vile, foolish, absurd, palpable, and ridiculous Escutcheon that ever this eye survised. Save you good monsieur Fastidius.  They salute as they meet in the walk. Carl. 
Silence good knight: on, on.  Sog. 
GYRONY of eight pieces, AZURE and GULES, between three plates a chevron engrailed checky, OR, VERT and ERMINES; on a chief ARGENT between two annulets, sables a boar's head PROPER  Carl. 
How's that? on a chief ARGENT?  Sog. 
On a Chief ARGENT, a boar's head PROPER between two annulets sables.  Carl. 
'sblood, it's a hog's Cheek and Puddings in a pewter field this  Sog. 
How like you them signor?  Punt. 
Let the word be, Not without mustard, your Crest is very rare sir.  Here they Shift, Fast mixes with Punt. Carl. and Sogli. Deliro and Macilente, Clove and Orenge, four couple. Carl. 
A frying pan to the Crest had had no fellow.  Fast. 
Entreat your poor friend to walk off a little signor, I will salute the knight.  Carl. 
Come, lap't up, lap't up.  Fast. 
You are right well encountered sir, how does your fair Dog?  Punt. 
In reasonable state sir, what Citizen is that you were consorted with? a merchant of any worth?  Fast. 
'Tis signor Deliro sir.  Punt. 
Is it he? Save you sir.  Deli. 
Good sir Puntarvolo.  Salute. Mac. 
O what Copy of fool would this place minister to one endued with Patience to observe it?  Car. 
Nay look you sir, now you are a Gentleman, you must carry a more exalted presence, change your mood and habit to a more austere form, be exceeding proud, stand upon your Gentility, and scorn every man. Speak nothing humbly, never discourse under a Nobleman, though you ne'er saw him but riding to the star-chamber, it's all one. Love no man, Trust no man, Speak ill of no man to his face, nor well of any man behind his back. Salute fairly on the front, and wish 'em hanged upon the turn. Spread yourself upon his bosom publicly, whose heart you would eat in private. These be principles, think on 'em, I'll come to you again presently.  Exit Car. Sogliardo mixes with Punt. and Fast. Pun. 
Sirrah, keep close, yet not so close, thy breath will thaw my ruff.  Sog. 
O good cousin, I am a little busy, how does my niece, I am to walk with a knight here.  Enter Fung. with his Tailor. Fung. 
O he is here, look you sir, that's the Gentleman:  Tail. 
What he i'the blush-coloured Satin?  Fun. 
ay, he sir, though his Suit blush, he blushes not: look you, that's the Suit sir: I would have mine, such a Suit without difference, such Stuff, such a Wing, such a Sleeve, such a Skirt, Belly & all; therefore, pray you observe it. Have you a pair of Tables?  Fast. 
Why do you see sir? they say I am Fantastical: why true, I know it, & I pursue my Humour still in contempt of this censorious age: 'Slight & a man should do nothing but what a sort of stale judgements about this town will approve in him, he were a sweet Ass, I'd beg him i'faith: I ne'er knew any more find fault with a fashion, than they that knew not how to put themselves into't. For mine own part, so I please mine own appetite, I am careless what the fusty World speaks of me, puh:  Fung. 
Do you mark how it hangs at the knee there?  Tail. 
I warrant you sir.  Fung. 
For God's sake do, note all: do you see the Collar sir?  Tail. 
Fear nothing, it shall not differ in a stitch sir.  Fun. 
Pray God it do not, you'll make these linings serve? & help me to a Chapman for the outside, will you?  Tail. 
I'll do my best sir: you'll put it off presently:  Fung. 
ay, go with me to my chamber you shall have it, but make haste of it, for the love of Christ, for I'll sit i' my old suit, or else lie a-bed and read the Arcadia, till you have done.  Exit with tailor. Enter Car. Carl. 
O, if ever you were struck with a jest, gallants, now, now. I do usher the most strange piece of Military Profession, that ever was discovered in Insula Paulina.  Fast. 
Where? where?  Punt. 
What is he for a Creature?  Car. 
A Pimp, a Pimp, that I have observed yonder, the rarest Superficies of a Humour; he comes every morning to empty his lungs in Paul's here, and offers up some five or six hecatombs of faces and sighs, and away again. Here he comes; nay walk, walk, be not seen to note him, and we shall have excellent sport.  Enter Shift: Walks by, and uses action to his-Rapier. Punt. 
'Slid he vented a sigh e'en now, I thought he would have blown up the church.  Carl. 
O you shall have him give a number of those false fires ere he depart.  Fast. 
See now he is expostulating with his Rapier, Look, Look.  Carl. 
Did you ever in your days observe better passion over a hilt?  Punt. 
Except it were in the person of a cutler's boy, or that the fellow were nothing but Vapour, I should think it impossible.  Carl. 
See, again, he claps his sword o'the head, as who should say, Well, go to.  Fast. 
O violence, I wonder the blade can contain itself, being so provoked.  Carl. 
With that, the moody Squire thumped his breast,  
And reared his eyen to Heaven for Revenge.  Sog. 
Troth, and you be Gentlemen, Let's make 'em friends, and take up the matter between his Rapier and he.  Car. 
Nay, if you intend that, you must lay down the matter, for this Rapier (it seems) is in the nature of a Hanger on, and the good Gentleman would happily be rid of him.  Fast. 
By my faith, and 'tis to be suspected, I'll ask him.  Mac. 
O here 's rich stuff, for Christ sake, let us go,  
A man would wish himself a senseless pillar,  
Rather than view these monstrous prodigies:  
Nil habet infelix Paupertas durius in se,  
Quam quod Ridiculos homines facit.  Exit, with Deliro. Fast. 
signor.  Shift. 
At your service.  Fast. 
Will you sell your Rapier?  Carl. 
'sblood he is turned wild upon the question, he looks as he had seen a Sergeant.  Shift. 
Sell my Rapier? now God bless me.  Punt. 
Amen.  Shift. 
You asked me, if I would sell my Rapier Sir?  Fast. 
I did indeed.  Shift. 
Now Lord have mercy upon me.  Punt. 
Amen I say still.  Shift. 
'sblood Sir, what should you behold in my face Sir, that should move you (as they say Sir) to ask me Sir, if I would sell my Rapier?  Fast. 
Nay (let me pray you Sir) be not moved: I protest I would rather have been silent than any way offensive, had I known your nature.  Shift. 
Sell my Rapier? God's lid: Nay Sir (for mine own part) as I am a man that has served in causes, or so, so I am not apt to injure any Gentleman in the degree of falling foul, but: sell my Rapier? I will tell you Sir, I have served with this foolish Rapier, where some of us dare not appear in haste, I name no man: but let that pass; Sell my Rapier? Death to my Lungs. This Rapier Sir, has travailed by my side Sir, the best part of France and the low Country: I have seen Vlishing, Brill, and the Hague with this Rapier sir, in my Lord of Leister's time: and (by God's will) he that should offer to disrapier me now, I would.— Look you sir, you presume to be a Gentleman of good sort, and so likewise your friends here, if you have any disposition to travel, for the sight of service or so, One, two, or all of you, I can lend you letters to divers Officers and Commanders in the Low Countries, that shall for my cause do you all the good offices that shall pertain or belong to Gentlemen of your— Please you to show the Bounty of your mind Sir, to impart some ten groats or half a Crown to our use, till our ability be of growth to return it, and we shall think ourself.— 'sblood, sell my Rapier?  Sog. 
I pray you what said he signor, he's a proper man.  Fast. 
Mary he tells me, If I please to show the bounty of my mind, to impart some ten groats to his use or so.  Punt. 
Break his head, and give it him.  Carl. 
I thought he had been playing on the Jews Trump I.  Shift. 
My Rapier? no Sir: my Rapier is my Guard, my Defence, my Revenue, my Honour: (if you cannot impart be secret I beseech you) and I will maintain it, where there is a grain of dust or a drop of water: (hard is the choice when the valiant must eat their Arms or clem:) Sell my Rapier? no my dear, I will not be divorced from thee yet, I have ever found thee true as Steel: and (you cannot impart Sir) God save you Gentlemen: (nevertheless if you have a fancy to it sir.)  Fast. 
prithee away: is signor Deliro departed?  Car. 
Ha' you seen a Pimp outface his own wants better.  Sog. 
I commend him, that can dissemble them so well.  Punt. 
True, and having no better a cloak for it than he has neither.  Fast. 
God's precious, what mischievous luck is this: adieu Gentlemen.  Punt. 
Whither Monsieur such haste, Monsieur Fastidius?  Fast. 
After my Merchant, signor Deliro sir.  Carl. 
O hinder him not, he may hap lose his Tide, a good Flounder i' faith.  Exit. Oren. 
Hark you Sig. whiff, a word with you.  Carl. 
How? signor Whiff?  Oren. & clove call Shift aside. Oren. 
What was the difference between thouhast young Gallant that's gone, and you sir.  Shift. 
No difference: he would ha' given me five pound for my Rapier, and I refused it; that's all.  Clou. 
O, was it no otherwise? we thought you had been upon some terms.  Shift. 
No other than you saw sir.  Clou. 
Adieu good Master Apple john.  Exeunt Oren. & Clove. Carl. 
How? whiff, and Apple joan too? Heart, what'll you say if this be the Appendix, or Label to both yond Indentures?  Punt. 
It may be.  Car. 
Resolve us of it janus, thou that look'st every way; or thou Hercules, that hast travailed all Countries.  Pun. 
Nay Carlo, spend not time in Invocations now; 'tis late.  Car. 
signor, here's a Gentleman desirous of your name sir.  Shift. 
Sir, my name is Cavalier Shift: I am known sufficiently in this walk sir.  Carl. 
Shift? I heard your name varied e'en now, as I take it.  Shift. 
True sir, it pleases the world (as I am her excellent tobacconist) to give me the Style of signor Whiff: as I am a poor Esquire about the town here, they call me Master Apple john: variety of good names does well sir.  Carl. 
ay, and good parts, to make those good names: out of which I imagine yond Bills to be yours.  Shift. 
Sir, if I should deny the Scriptures, I were worthy to be banished the middle I'll for ever.  Carl. 
I take your word Sir: this Gentleman has subscribed to 'em, & is most desirous to become your Pupil; mary you must use expedition: signor Insulso Sogliardo, this is the Professor.  Sog. 
In good time sir, nay good sir house your head, do your profess these sleights in Tobacco?  Shift. 
I do more than profess sir, and (if you please to be a practioner) I will undertake in one fortnight to bring you, that you shall take it plausibly in any Ordinary, Theatre, or the Tiltyard if need be; the most popular assembly that is.  Punt. 
But you cannot bring him to the Whiff so soon?  Shift. 
Yes as soon sir; he shall receive the 1, 2, and 3 Whiff, if it please him, & (upon the receipt) take his horse, drink his three cups of canary, and expose one at Hounslow, a second at Stanes, and a third at Bagshot.  Carl. 
Baw-waw.  Sog. 
You will not serve me sir, will you? I'll give you more than Countenance.  Shift. 
Pardon me sir, I do scorn to serve any man.  Carl. 
Who? he serve? 'sblood he keeps High men, & Low men, he; he has a fair living at Fullam.  Shift. 
But in the nature of a fellow, I'll be your follower if you please.  Sog. 
Sir you shall stay and dine with me, and if we can agree, we'll not part in haste: I am very bountiful to men of quality. Where shall we go signor.  Punt. 
Your Mitre is your best house.  Shift. 
I can make this dog take as many whiffs as I list, and he shall retain or efume them at my pleasure.  Punt. 
By your patience, follow me fellows.  Sog. 
Sir Puntarvolo.  Punt. 
Pardon me, my Dog shall not eat in his company for a Million.  Exit Puntarvolo with his followers. Carl. 
Nay be not you amazed signor Whiff, whate'er that stiffnecked Gentleman says.  Sog. 
No, for you do not know the Humour of the dog as we do: where shall we dine Carlo? I would fain go to one of these Ordinaries now I am a Gentleman.  Carl. 
So you may, were you never at none yet?  Sog. 
No faith, but they say there resorts your most choice gallants.  Car. 
True, and the fashion is, when any stranger comes in amongst 'em, they all stand up and stare at him, as he were some unknown beast brought out of Afric, but that'll be helped with a good adventurous face, you must be impudent enough, sit down and use no respect, when any thing's propounded above your capacity, smile at it, make two or three faces, and 'tis excellent, they'll think you have travailed: though you argue a whole day in Silence thus, and discourse in nothing but Laughter, 'twill pass. Only (now and then) give fire, Discharge a good full Oath, and offer a great Wager, 'twill be admirable.  Sog. 
I warrant you, I am resolute, come good signor, there's a poor French crown for your ordinary.  Shift. 
It comes well, for I had not so much as the least Portcullis of come before.  Exeunt. GREX. Mit. 
I travel with another objection signor, which I fear will be enforced against the Author, ere I can be delivered of it  Cord. 
What's that sir?  Mit. 
That the argument of his Comedy might have been of some other nature, as of a Duke to be in love with a Countess, & that Countess to be in love with the Duke's son, & the son to love the lady's waiting maid: some such cross wooing, with a Clown to their servingman, better than to be thus near and familiarly allied to the time.  Cord. 
You say well, but I would fain hear one of these Autumn- judgements define once, Quid sit Comoedia? if he cannot, let him content himself with Cicero's definition (till he have strength to propose to himself a better) who would have a Comedy to be Imitatio vitae, Speculum Consuetudinis, Imago veritatis, a thing throughout pleasant and ridiculous, and accommodated to the correction of manners: if the maker have failed in any particle of this, they may worthily tax him, but if not, why; be you (that are for them) silent, as I will be for him; and give way to the Actors.   

SCENA SECUNDA  Enter Sordido with a halter about his neck. Sord. 
Nay Gods-precious, if the weather and the Season be so respectless, that Beggars shall live as well as their betters; and that my hunger and thirst for Riches, shall not make them hunger and thirst with Poverty; that my sleeps shall be broken, and their hearts not broken; that my coffers shall be full, and yet care; theirs empty, and yet merry: 'tis time that a Cross should bear flesh and blood, since flesh and blood cannot bear this cross.  GREX. Mit. 
What will he hang himself?  Cor. 
Faith I, it seems his Prognostication has not kept touch with him, and that makes him despair.  Mit. 
Be shrew me, he will be out of his Humour then indeed.  Sord. 
Tut, these star-monger knaves, who would trust 'em? one says, dark and rainy, when 'tis as clear as Crystal; another says, tempestuous blasts, and storms, and 'twas as calm as a Milk bowl; here be sweet rascals for a man to credit his whole fortunes with: You sky-staring Cocks combs you: you fat brains, out upon you; you are good for nothing but to sweat nightcaps and make rug-gowns dear: you learned men, and have not a Legion of Devils, a vostre service: a vostre service? By heaven I think I shall die a better scholar than they, but soft, how now sirrah.  Enter a Hind with a letter. Hind. 
Here's a letter come from your Son sir.  Sord. 
From my Son sir? what would my Son sir? some good news no doubt.  
The letter.  
Sweet and dear father, (desiring you first to send me your blessing, which is more worth to me than Gold or Silver) I desire you likewise to be advertised, that this Shrovetide (contrary to custom) we use always to have Revels; which is indeed Dancing, and makes an excellent show in truth; especially if we Gentlemen be well attired, which our Seniors note, and think the better of our fathers, the better we are maintained, and that they shall know if they come up, and have any thing to do in the Law: therefore good Father, these are (for your own sake as well as mine) to re-desire you, that you let me not want that which is fit for the setting up of our name in the honourable volume of Gentility, that I may say to our calumniators with tully, EGO SUM ORTUS DOMUS MEAE, tu OCCASUSTVAE. And thus (not doubting of your fatherly Benevolence) humbly ask you blessing, and pray God to bless you.  Yours, if his own. 
How's this; Yours, if his own? is he not my Son, except he be his own Son. Belike this is some new kind of subscription the Gallants use. Well, wherefore dost thou stay knave? Away: go.  Exit Hind. 
Here's a letter indeed; Revels? and benevolence? is this a weather to send benevolence? or is this a season to revel in? Slid the Devil and all takes part to vex me I think: this letter would never have come now else, now, now, when the sun shines, and the air thus clear. Soul if this hold, we shall shortly have an excellent crop of Corn spring out of the high ways, the Streets, and Houses of the town will be hid with the rankness of the fruits that grow there in spite of good Husbandry. Go to I'll prevent the sight of it, come as quickly as it can, I will prevent the sight of it. I have this remedy Heaven: stay; I'll try the pain thus a little, O, nothing, nothing. Well now: shall my son gain a benevolence by my death? or anybody be the better for my Gold or so forth: No Alive, I kept it from 'em, and (dead) my ghost shall walk about it and preserve it, my Son and Daughter shall starve ere they touch it, I have hid it as deep as Hell from the sight of Heaven, and to it I go now.  Falls off. Enter Rustici, 5 or 6, one after another. Rust. 1 
ay me, what pitiful sight is this? help, help, help!  Rust. 2 
How now? what's the matter?  Rust. 1 
O here's a man has hanged himself, help to get him again.  Rust. 2 
Hanged himself? 'Slid carry him afore a justice, 'tis chance medley on my word.  Rust. 3 
How now, what's here to do?  Rust. 4 
How comes this?  Rust. 2 
One has executed himself contrary to the order of Law, and by my consent he shall answer't.  Rust. 5 
Would he were in case to answer it.  Rust. 1 
Stand by, he recovers, give him breath.  Sord. 
Oh.  Rust. 5 
Mass, 'twas well you went the footway neighbour.  Rust. 1 
ay, and I had not cut the halter.  Sord. 
How? cut the halter? ay me, I am undone, I am undone.  Rust. 2 
Marry if you had not been undone, you had been hanged I can tell you.  Sord. 
You threadbare horsebread eating rascals, if you would needs have been meddling, could you not have untied it, but you must cut it? and in the midst too? ay me.  Rust. 1 
Out on me, 'tis the Caterpillar Sordido; how cursed are the poor, that the viper was blessed with this good fortune?  Rust. 2 
Nay how accursed are thou, that art cause to the curse of the poor?  Rust. 3 
ay, and to save so wretched a Caitiff.  Rust. 4 
Cursed be thy fingers that loosed him.  Rust. 2 
Some desperate fury possess thee, that thou mayst hang thyself too.  Rust. 5 
Never mayest thou be saved, that saved so damned a monster.  Sord. 
What curses breath these men? how have my deeds  
Made my looks differ from another man's,  
That they should thus detest, and loathe my life?  
Out on my wretched Humour, it is that  
Makes me thus monstrous in true human eyes.  
Pardon me (gentle friends) I'll make fair mends  
For my foul errors passed and twentyfold  
Restore to all men, what with wrong I robbed them:  
My Barns and Garners shall stand open still  
To all the poor that come, and my best grain  
Be made alms-bread to feed half-famished mouths.  
Though hitherto amongst you I have lived  
Like an unsavoury Muck hill to myself,  
Yet now my gathered heaps being spread abroad,  
Shall turn to better, and more fruitful uses.  
Bless then this man, curse him no more for saving  
My life and soul together. O how deeply  
The bitter curses or the poor do pierce!  
I am by wonder changed; come in with me  
And witness my repentance: now I prove,  
"No life is blessed, that is not graced with Love.  Rust. 2 
O miracle! see when a man has grace.  Rust. 3 
Had't not been pity so good a man should have been cast away?  Rust. 2 
Well, I'll get our clerk put his conversion in the Chronicle.  Rust. 4 
Do, for I warrant him he's a virtuous man.  Rust. 
O god how he wept if you marked it: did you see how the tears trilled?  Rust. 5 
Yes believe me; like master vicar's bowls upon the green, for all the world.  3 or 4 
O neighbour, god's blessing your heart neighbour, 'twas a good grateful deed.  Exeunt. GREX. Cord. 
How now Mitis? what's that you consider so seriously?  Mit. 
Troth, that which doth essentially please me: the warping condition of this green and soggy multitude: but in good faith signor, your Author hath largely outstripped my expectation in this Scene, I will liberally confess it. For when I saw Sordido so desperately intended, I thought I had had a hand of him then.  Cord. 
What? you supposed he should have hung himself indeed?  Mit. 
I did; and had framed my objection to it ready, which may yet be very fitly urged, & with some necessity: for though his purposed violence lost th'effect, & extended not to death, yet the Intent & Horror of the object was more than the nature of a Comedy will in any sort allow.  Cord. 
I? what think you of Plautus in his Come die called Cistellaria there? where he brings in Alcesimarchus with a drawn sword ready to kill himself, and as he is e'en fixing his breast upon it, to be restrained from his resolved outrage by Silenium and the Bawd: is not his authority of power to give our Scene approbation?  Mit. 
Sir, I have this (your only) evasion left me, to say, I think it be so indeed, your memory is happier than mine: but I wonder what engine he will use to bring the rest out of their Humours?  Cord. 
That will appear anon, never preoccupy your imagination withal. Let your mind keep company with the Scene still, which now removes itself from the Country to the Court. Here comes Macilente and signor Brisk freshly suited, lose not yourself, for now the Epitasis or busy part of our Subject is in Action.   

SCENA TERTIA.  Enter Macilente, brisk, Cinedo, with Tobacco. Fast. 
Well now signor Macilente, you are not only welcome to the Court, but also to my mistress with drawing chamber: Boy get me some Tobacco, I'll but go in, and show I am here, and come to you presently sir.  Exit. Mac. 
What's that he said? by heaven I marked him not,  
My thoughts, and I were of another world;  
I was admiring mine own outside here,  
To think what privilege and palm it bears  
Here in the court: Be a man ne'er so vile  
In wit, in judgement, manners, or what else;  
If he can purchase but a Silken cover,  
He shall not only pass, but pass regarded:  
Whereas let him be poor and meanly clad,  
Though ne'er so richly parted; you shall have  
A fellow (that knows nothing but his Beef  
Or how to rinse his clammy guts in beer)  
Will take him by the shoulders or the throat,  
And kick him down the stairs, Such is the state  
Of virtue in bad Clothes, ha, ha, ha, ha,  
That Raiment should be in such high request?  
How long should I be ere I should put off  
To my Lord chancellors tomb, or the Shrieve's posts?  
By heaven (I think) a thousand thousand year,  
His gravities, his wisdom, and his faith,  
To my dread Sovereign (graces that survive him)  
These I could well endure to reverence,  
But not his Tomb, no more than I'll commend  
The Chapel Organ for the guilt without,  
Or this base Viol for the varnished face.  Enter Fast. Fast. 
In faith I have made you stay somewhat long sir, but is my Tobacco ready boy?  Cinc. 
I Sir.  Fast. 
Give me, my mistress is upon coming, you shall see her presently sir, (Tab.) you'll say you never accosted a more piercing wit. This Tobacco is not dried Boy, or else the Pipe's defective. Oh, your wits of italy are nothing comparable to her, her brain's a very Quiver of jests, and she does dart them abroad with that sweet loose and judicial aim that you would— here she comes sir.  Enter Saviolina, and goes in again. Mac. 
'Twas time, his invention had been bogged else.  Saui. 
Give me my fan there.  Mac. 
How now monsieur brisk?  Fast. 
A kind of affectionate reverence strikes me with a cold shivering( methinks.)  Mac. 
I like such tempers well, as stand before their Mistresses with fear and trembling, and before their Maker like impudent mountains.  Fast. 
By jesu, I'd spend twenty pound my vaulting Horse stood here now, she might see me do but one trick?  Mac. 
Why does she love activity?  Cine. 
Or if you had but your long stockings on to be dancing a Galliard, as she comes by.  Fast. 
I either. O these stirring humours make Ladies mad with desire, she comes. My good Genius embolden me, Boy the Pipe quickly.  Enter Saviolina. Mac. 
What? will he give her music?  Fast. 
A second good morrow to my fair mistress.  Saui. 
Fair servant, I'll thank you a day hence, when the date of your salutation comes forth.  Fast. 
How like you that answer? is't not admirable?  Mac. 
I were a simple Courtier, if I could not admire trifles sir.  Fast. 
Troth sweet Lady I shall (Tab.) be prepared to give you thanks for those thanks, and (Tab.) study more officious and obsequious regards (Tab.) to your fair beauties: (Tab.) mend the pipe boy.  Mac. 
I ne'er knew Tobacco taken as a parenthesis before.  Fast. 
Fore God (sweet Lady) believe it, I do honour the meanest rush in this chamber for your love.  Saui. 
ay, you need not tell me that sir, I do think you do prize a rush before my love.  Mac. 
Is this the wonder of nations?  Fast. 
O, by jesu pardon me, I said for your love, by this light; but it is the accustomed sharpness of your Ingenuity sweet Mistress to— Mass your viol's new strung methinks.  Takes down the Viol. Mac. 
ingenuity; I see his ignorance will not suffer him to slander her; which he had done most notably, if he had said Wit for Ingenuity, as he meant it.  Fast. 
By the soul of Music Lady (hum, hum.)  Saui. 
Would we might hear it once.  Fast. 
I do more adore and admire your (hum, hum) predominant perfections then (hum, hum) ever I shall have power and faculty to express (hum.)  Saui. 
Upon the Viol de gamba you mean?  Fast. 
It's miserably out of tune, by this hand.  Saui. 
Nay rather by the fingers.  Mac. 
It makes good Harmony with her wit.  Fast. 
Sweet Lady tune it. Boy some Tobacco.  Mac. 
Tobacco again? he does court his mistress with very exceeding good changes.  Fast. 
signor Macilente, you take none sir? (Tab.)  Mac. 
No, unless I had a mistress signor, it were a great Indecorum for me to take Tobacco.  Fast. 
How like you her wit? (Tab.)  Mac. 
Her ingenuity is excellent sir.  Fast. 
You see the subject of her sweet fingers there? (Tab.) Oh she tickles it so, that (Tab.) she makes it laugh most Divinely; (Tab.) I'll tell you a good jest now, and yourself shall say it's a good one: I have wished myself to be that Instrument (I think) a thousand times, and not so few, by Heavens (Tab.)  Maci. 
Not unlike Sir: but how? to be cased up and hung by on the wall?  Fast. 
O, no Sir, to be in use I assure you; as your judicious eyes may testify. (Tab.)  Saui. 
Here Servant, if you will play, come.  Fast. 
Instantly sweet Lady (Tab.) In good faith here's most Divine Tobacco.  Saui. 
Nay, I cannot stay to Dance after your Pipe.  Fast. 
Good, nay dear Lady stay: by this sweet Smoke, I think your wit be all fire: (Tab.)  Mac. 
And he's the Salamander that lives by it.  Saui. 
Is your Tobacco perfumed Sir? that you swear by the sweet Smoke?  Fast. 
Still more excellent: (before God, and these bright Heavens) I think (Tab.) you are made of Ingenuity, I (Tab.)  Maci. 
True, as your discourse is: O abominable!  Fast. 
Will your Ladyship take any?  Saui. 
O, peace I pray you; I love not the breath of a woodcock's head.  Fast. 
Meaning my head, Lady?  Saui. 
Not altogether so Sir; but (as it were Fatal to their follies that think to grace themselves with taking Tobacco, when they want better entertainment) you see your Pipe bears the true form of a woodcock's head.  Fast. 
O Admirable Simile!  Saui. 
'Tis best leaving of you in Admiration, Sir.  Exit Saviolina. Mac. 
Are these the admired Lady-wits, that having so good a Plainsong, can run no better Division upon it. S'heart, all her jests are of the stamp March was fifteen years ago. Is this the Comet Monsieur Fastidius, that your Gallants wonder at so?  Fast. 
Heart of a Gentleman to neglect me afore presence thus: Sweet sir, I beseech you be silent in my disgrace, By jesu, I never was in so vile a Humour in my life, and her wit was at the flood too, Report it not for a million good sir; let me be so far endeared to your love.  Exeunt. GREX. Mit. 
What follows next signor Cordatus? this Gallants Humour is almost spent methinks, it ebbs apace, with this contrary breath of his mistress.  Cord. 
O, but it will flow again for all this, till there come a general drought of Humour among all our Actors, and then I fear not but his will fall as low as any. See who presents himself here:  Mit. 
What, i'the old case?  Cord. 
I'faith, which makes it the more pitiful, you understand where the Scene is?    

ACTUS QUARTUS,  

SCENA PRIMA.  Enter Fungoso, Fallace following him. Fall. 
Why are you so melancholy Brother?  Fun. 
I am not melancholy I thank you Sister.  Fall. 
Why are you not merry then? there are but two of us in all the world, and if we should not be comforts to one another, God help us.  Fung. 
Faith, I cannot tell Sister, but if a man had any true Melancholy in him, it would make him melancholy, to see his yeomanly father cut his neighbour's throats to make his son a Gentleman: and yet when he has cut 'em, he will see his sons throat cut too, ere he make him a true Gentleman indeed, before Death cut his own throat I must be the first Head of our house, and yet he will not give me the head, till I be made so. Is any man termed a Gentleman that is not always i'the fashion? I would know but that.  Fall. 
If you be melancholy for that Brother, I think I have as much cause to be melancholy, as one; for I'll be sworn I live as little in the fashion, as any woman in London. By the Bible of heaven (beast that I am to say it) I have not one friend i'the world besides my husband. When saw you Master Fastidius brisk, Brother?  Fung. 
But a while since Sister, I think, I know not well in truth. By God's lid I could sight with all my heart methinks.  Fall. 
Nay good Brother, be not resolute.  Fung. 
I sent him a letter, and he writes me no answer neither.  Fall. 
Oh sweet Fastidius Brisk, O fine Courtier, thou art he mak'st me sigh and say, How blessed is that woman that hath a Courtier to her husband? and how miserable a dame she is that hath neither husband nor friend in the Court: O sweet Fastidius, O fine Courtier. How comely he bows him in his courtesy? how full he hits a woman betwixt the lips when he kisses? how upright he sits at the Table? how daintily he carves? how sweetly he talks, and tells news of this Lord, and of that Lady? how cleanly he wipes his spoon at every spoonful of any white-meat he eats, and what a near case of picktooths he carries about him still? Oh sweet Fastidius, O fine Courtier!  Enter Deliro with musicans. Deli. 
See yonder she is Gentlemen, now (as ever you'll bear the name of musicans) touch your instruments sweetly, she has a delicate ear, I tell you, play not a false note I beseech you.  Music. 
Fear not signor Deliro.  Deli. 
O begin, begin, some sprightly thing; Lord, how my imagination labours with the success of it: well said, good i'faith, heaven grant it please her, I'll not be seen, for then she'll be sure to dislike it.  Fall. 
hay da, this is excellent, I'll lay my life this is my husband's dotage, I thought so, nay never play peekaboo with me, I know you do nothing but study how to anger me sir.  Deli. 
Anger thee, sweet wife? why didst thou not send for musicans to supper last night thyself?  Fall. 
To Supper sir? now come up to Supper I beseech you: as though there were no difference between Supper time when folks should be merry, and this time when they would be Melancholy? I would never take upon me to take a wife, if I had no more judgement to please her.  Deli 
Be pleased sweet wife, and they shall ha' done: & would to Christ my life were done, if I can never please thee.  Exit musicans. Enter Macilente. Mac. 
God save you Lady; where is Master Deliro?  Deli. 
Here, Master Macilente: you're welcome from the Court Sir; no doubt you have been graced exceedingly of Master Briske's Mistress, and the rest of the Ladies for his sake?  Maci. 
Alas, the poor Fantastic, he's scarce known  
To any Lady there: and those that know him,  
Know him the simplest man of all they know:  
Deride, and play upon his amorous Humours,  
Though he but Apishly doth imitate  
The gallant Courtiers, kissing lady's Pumps,  
Holding the Cloth for them, praising their Wits,  
And servilely observing every one,  
May do them pleasure: Fearful to be seen  
With any man (though he be ne'er so worthy)  
That's not in grace with some that are the greatest.  
Thus Courtiers do, and these he counterfeits,  
But sets not such a sightly carriage  
Upon their vanities, as they themselves;  
And therefore they despise him: for indeed  
he's like a zany to a Tumbler,  
That tries tricks after him to make men laugh.  Fall. 
Here's an unthankful spiteful wretch: the good Gentleman vouchsafed to make him his companion (because my husband put him into a few Rags) and now see how the unrude Rascal backbites him.  Deli. 
Is he no more graced amongst'em than? say you?  Mac. 
Faith like a pawn at Chess, fills up a room, that's all.  Fall. 
O monster of men! can the Earth bear such an envious Caitiff?  Deli. 
Well, I repent me I e'er credited him so much: but (now I see what he is, and that his masking viz or is of) I'll forbear him no longer: all his lands are mortgaged to me, and forfeited: beside, I have Bonds of his in my hand for the receipt of now xx pound, now thirty, now xxv: still as he has had a Fan but wagged at him, he would be in a new Suit. Well, I'll salute him by a Sergeant, the next time I see him i'faith, I'll Suit him.  Mac. 
Why, you may soon see him Sir, for he is to meet signor Puntarvolo at a notary's by the Exchange presently, where he means to take up upon return.  Fall. 
Now out upon thee judas; canst thou not be content to backbite thy friend, but thou must betray him? wilt thou seek the undoing of any man? and of such a man too? and will you Sir get your living by the counsel of Traitors?  Deli. 
Dear wife, have patience.  Fall. 
The house will fall, the ground will open, and swallow us: I'll not bide here for all the Gold an Silver in Heaven.  Exit. Deli. 
O good Macilente, let's follow and appease her, or the Peace of my life is at an end.  Exit. Maci. 
Now Pease, and not Peace feed that life, whose head hangs so heavily over a woman's Manger.  Exit. Enter Fallace running, at another door, and claps it too. Fall. 
Help me brother: God's body and you come here, I'll do myself a mischief.  Deli. 
Nay, hear me sweet wife, unless thou wilt have me go, I will not go.  Within. Fall. 
Tut, you shall ne'er ha' that vantage of me, to say you are undone by me: I'll not bid you stay, I. Brother, sweet brother, here's four Angels, I'll give you toward your Suit; for the love of jesu, and as ever you came of Christen creature, make haste to the water side (you know where Master Fastidius uses to land) and give him warning of my husband's intent; and tell him of that lean rascal's treachery: O jesu, how my flesh rises at him? nay, sweet brother make haste; you may say I would have writ to him, but that the necessity of the time would not suffer it: He cannot choose but take it extraordinarily from me: and Commend me to him, good brother: say I sent you.  Exit. Fung. 
Let me see; these four Angels: and then forty shillings more I can borrow on my Gown in Fetter-lane: well, I will go presently, say on my Suit, pay as much money as I have, and swear myself into Credit with my tailor for the rest.  Exit.  

SCENA SECUNDA.  Enter Deliro, with Macilente, speaking as they pass over the Stage. Deli. 
O, on my Soul you wrong her, Macilente, Though she be froward, yet I know she is honest.  Mac. 
Well, then have I no judgement; would nay woman (but one that were wild in her affections) have broke out into that immodest and violent Passion against her husband? or is't possible—  Deli. 
If you love me, forbear; all the Arguments i'the world shall never wrest my heart to believe it.  Exeunt. GREX. Cord. 
How like you the Deciphering of his Dotage?  Mit. 
O, strangely; and of the others Envy too, that labours so seriously to set debate betwixt a man and his wife, Stay, here comes the Knight Adventurer.  Cord. 
ay, and his Scrivener with him.   

SCENA TERTIA.  Enter Puntarvolo, Notary, with servingmen. Punt. 
I wonder Monsieur Fastidius comes not! but Notary, if thou please to draw the Indentures the while, I will give thee the Theory.  Not. 
With all my heart Sir; and I'll fall in hand with 'em presently.  Punt. 
Well then, first; the Sum is to be understood.  Not. 
Good sir.  Punt. 
Next, our several Appellations, and Character of my Dog and Cat must be known: show him the Cat Sirrah.  Not. 
So sir.  Punt. 
Then, that the intended Point, is the Turks Court in Constantinople: the Time limited for our Return, a year: and that if either of us miscarry, the whole Venture is lost. These are General; conceivest thou? or if either of us turn Turk.  Not. 
I Sir.  Punt. 
Now for Particulars: that I may make my travails by Sea or Land, to my best liking: and that (hiring a Coach for myself) it shall be lawful for my Dog and Cat to ride with me in the said Coach.  Not. 
Very good sir.  Punt. 
That I may choose to give my Dog or Cat Fish, for fear of Bones, or any other Nutriment, that (by the judgement of the most Authentical Physicians where I travail) shall be thought dangerous.  Not. 
Well sir.  Punt. 
That (after the receipt of his money) he shall neither in his own person, nor any other, either by direct or indirect means; as Magic, Witchcraft, or other such Exotic Arts, attempt, practice, or complot any thing, to the prejudice of Me, my Dog, or my Cat: Neither shall I use the help of any such Sorceries or Enchantments; as Unctions, to make our skins impenetrable, or to travail invisible by virtue of a Powder, or a Ring, or to hang any three-forked Charm about my dog's neck, secretly conveyed into his Collar: understand you? but that all be performed, sincerely, without fraud or Imposture.  Not. 
So sir.  Punt. 
That (for testimony of the Performance) myself am to bring thence a Turks Mustachio, my Dog a hare's lip, and my Cat the train or tail of a Rat.  Not. 
'Tis done sir.  Punt. 
'Tis said Sir, not done sir, but forward. That upon my return and landing on the Tower wharf with the aforesaid Testimony, I am to receive five for one, according to the proportion of the sums putforth.  Not. 
Well Sir.  Punt. 
Provided, That if before our departure or setting forth, either myself, or these be visited with sickness, or any other casual event, so that the whole course of the Adventure be hindered thereby; that then, He is to return, and I am to receive the prenominated Proportion, upon fair and equal terms.  Not. 
Very good sir; is this all?  Punt. 
It is all Sir: and dispatch them good Notary.  Not. 
As fast as is possible Sir.  Exit Enter Carlo. Punt. 
O Carlo, welcome: saw you Monsieur Brisk?  Car. 
Not I: did he appoint you to meet here?  Punt. 
ay, and I muse he should be so tardy: he is to take an hundred pounds of me in venture, if he maintain his promise.  Car. 
Is his hour passed?  Punt. 
Not yet, but it comes on apace.  Carl. 
Tut, be not jealous of him; he will sooner break all the ten Commandments, than his Hour; upon my life in such a case trust him.  Punt. 
methinks Carlo, you look very smooth? ha?  Carl. 
Why I come but now from a Hothouse, I must needs look smooth.  Punt. 
From a Hothouse?  Car. 
ay, do you make a wonder on't? why it's your only Physic. Let a man sweat once a week in a Hothouse, and be well rubbed and frotted with a good plump juicy wench, and sweet linen, he shall ne'er ha'the Pox.  Punt. 
What? the French Pox?  Car. 
The French Pox! our Pox: 'Sblood we have 'em in as good form as then man: what?  Punt. 
Let me perish, but thou art a Villain: was your new-created Gallant there with you? Sogliardo?  Carl. 
O purpose, hang him, no: he's a Lieger at horns Ordinary yonder: his villainous Ganymede and he ha' been droning a Tobacco Pipe there, ever sin' yesterday noon.  Punt. 
Who? signor Tripartite, that would give my Dog the Whiffse?  Car. 
ay, he: they have hired a chamber and all private to practise in, for the making of the petoun, the Receipt Reciprocal, and a number of other mysteries, not yet extant. I brought some dozen or twenty Gallants this morning to view 'em (as you'd do a piece of Perspective) in at a keyhole; and there we might see Sogliardo sit in a Chair, holding his snout up like a Sow under an Appletree, while th'other opened his Nostrils with a Poking-stick, to give the smoke a more free delivery. They had spit some three or fourscore ounces between 'em, afore we came away.  Punt. 
How! spit three or fourscore ounces?  Carl. 
ay, and preserved it in Porringers, as a Barber does his Blood when he pricks a vein.  Punt. 
Out Pagan; how dost thou prick the Vain of thy friend?  Carl. 
Friend? Is there any such foolish thing i'the world? ha? 'Slid I ne'er relished it yet.  Punt. 
Thy Humour is the more dangerous.  Carl. 
No not a whit signor: Tut, a man must keep time in all: I can oil my tongue when I meet him next, and look with a good slick forehead; 'twill take away all soil of Suspicion, and that's enough: what Lynceus can see my heart? Pish, the title of a Friend, it's a vain idle thing, only venerable among fools: you shall not have one that has any opinion of wit affect it.  Enter Deliro, and Macilente. Deli. 
Save you good Sir Puntarvolo.  Punt. 
signor Deliro! Welcome.  Deli. 
Pray you sir, did you see Master Fastidius Brisk? I heard he was to meet your Worship here.  Punt. 
You heard no Figment sir, I do expect him every minute my Watch strikes.  Deli. 
In good time sir.  Carl. 
There's a fellow now, looks like one of the Patricians of Sparta, mary his wit's after ten i'the hundred. A good Bloodhound, a close mouthed Dog, he follows the scent well, marry he's at a fault now methinks.  Punt. 
I should wonder at that Creature is free from the danger of thy tongue.  Carl. 
O I cannot abide these limbs of Satin, or rather Sathan indeed, that will walk (like the children of darkness) all day in a melancholy shop, with their pockets full of Blanks, ready to swallow up as many poor unthrifts, as come within the verge.  Punt. 
So: and what hast thou for him that is with him now?  Carl. 
O (Damn me) Immortality, I'll not meddle with him, the pure Element of Fire, all Spirit, Extraction.  Punt. 
How Carlo? ha, what is he man?  Car. 
A scholar, Macilente, do you not know him? a lank rawboned Anatomy, he walks up and down like a charged Musket, no man dares encounter him: that's his Rest there.  Punt. 
His Rest? why has he a forked head?  Carl. 
Pardon me, that's to be suspended, you are too quick, too apprehensive.  Deli. 
Troth (now I think on't) I'll defer it till some other time.  Mac. 
Gods-precious, not by any means signor, you shall not lose this opportunity, he will be here presently now.  Deli. 
Yes faith Macilente, 'tis best. For look you sir, I shall so exceedingly offend my wife in't, that—  Mac. 
Your wife? now for shame lose these thoughts, and become the master of your own spirits. Should I (if I had a wife) suffer myself to be thus passionately carried (to and for) with the stream of her Humort and neglect my deepest affairs, to serve her affections? 'sblood I would geld myself first.  Deli. 
O but signor, had you such a wife as mine is, you would—  Mac. 
Such a wife: Now God hate me sir, if ever I discerned any wonder in your wife yet, with all the Speculation I have: I have seen some that ha'been thought fairer than she, in my time; and I have seen those, ha' not been altogether so tall, esteemed proper women; and I have seen less Noses grow upon sweeter Faces, that have done very well too in my judgement: but in good faith signor for all this, the Gentlewoman is a good pretty proud hard-favoured thing, mary not so peerlessely to be doted upon, I must confess: nay be not angry.  Deli. 
Well sir( however you please to forget yourself) I have not deserved to be thus played upon, but henceforth, pray you forbear my house, for I can but faintly endure the savour of his breath at my table, that shall thus jade me for my courtesies.  Mac. 
Nay then signor, let me tell you, your wife is no proper woman by jesu, and I suspect her honesty, that's more, which you may likewise suspect (if you please:) do you see? I'll urge you to nothing against your appetite, but if you please, you may suspect it.  Deli. 
Good Sir.  Exit. Mac. 
Good sir? Now Horn upon Horn pursue thee, thou blind egregious Dotard.  Carl. 
O you shall hear him speak like Envy. signor Macilente, you saw monsieur Brisk lately? I heard you were with him at the Court.  Mac. 
I Buffone, I was with him.  Carl. 
And how is he respected there? (I know you'll deal ingeniously with us) is he made of amongst the sweeter sort of gallants?  Mac. 
Faith I, his Civet and his casting glass,  
Have helped him to a place amongst the rest,  
And there his Seniors give him good sleight looks,  
After their Garb, smile, and salute in French  
With some new complement.  Carl. 
What is this all?  Mac. 
Why say, that they should show the frothy fool,  
Such grace as they pretend comes from the heart,  
He had a mighty windfall out of doubt.  
Why all their Graces are not to do Grace  
To virtue, or desert: but to ride both  
With their guilt Spurs quite breathless from themselves.  
'Tis now esteemed precisianism in wit;  
And a Disease in Nature to be kind  
Toward Desert, to Love, or seek good Names:  
Who feeds with a Good name? who thrives with loving?  
Who can provide feast for his own desires,  
With serving others? ha, ha, ha:  
'Tis folly by our wisest worldlings proved  
(If not to gain by love) to be beloved.  Carl. 
How like you him? is't not a good spiteful slave? ha?  Punt. 
Shrewd, shrewd.  Carl. 
Damn me, I could eat his flesh now: Divine sweet villain.  Maci. 
Nay, prithee leave: what's he there?  Carl. 
Who? this i'the starched Beard? it's the dull stiff Knight Puntarvolo man; he's to travail now presently: he has a good knotty wit, marry he carries little on't out of the land with him.  Maci. 
How then?  Carl. 
He puts it forth in venture, as he does his money; upon the return of a Dog and Cat.  Maci. 
Is this he?  Carl. 
ay, this is he; a good tough Gentleman: he looks like a Chine of Brawn at Shrovetide, out of date, and ready to take his leave: or a dry paul of Ling upon Easter-eve, that has furnished the Table all Lent, as he has done the City this last Vacation.  Maci. 
Come, you'll never leave your stabbing Similes: I shall ha' you aiming at me with 'em by and by, but—  Carl. 
O, renounce me then: pure, honest, good Devil, I love thee above the love of women; I could e'en melt in Admiration of thee now: God's so, look here man; Sir Dagonet and his Squire.  Enter Sog. and Shift. Sog. 
Save you my dear Gallanto's. nay, come approach, good Cavalier: prithee (sweet Knight) know this Gentleman, he's one that it pleases me to use as my good friend and companion; and therefore do him good offices: I beseech you Gentles, know him.  Punt. 
Sir (for signor Sogliardo's sake) let it suffice, I know you.  Sog. 
Why by jesu, I thank you Knight, and it shall suffice. Hark you Sir Puntarvolo, you'd little think it; he's as resolute a piece of flesh as any's i'the world.  Punt. 
Indeed sir?  Sog. 
Upon my Gentility sir: Carlo, a word with you; Do you see that same fellow there?  Carl. 
What? Cavalier Shift?  Sog. 
O, you know him; cry you mercy: before God, I think him the tallest man living within the walls of Europe.  Carl. 
The walls of Europe! take heed what you say signor, Europe's a huge thing within the walls.  Sog. 
Tut, (and 'twere as huge again) I'd justify what I speak. 'Slid he swaggered e'en now in a place where we were: I never saw a man do it more resolute.  Carl. 
Nay indeed swaggering is a good Argument of Resolution. Do you hear this, signor?  Mac. 
ay, to my grief. O that such muddy Flags  
For every drunken flourish, should achieve  
The name of Manhood; whilst true perfect Valour  
(Hating to show itself) goes by despised.  
'sblood, I doc know now (in affair just cause)  
I dare do more than he; a thousand times:  
Why should not they take knowledge of this? ha?  
And give my worth allowance before his?  
Because I cannot swagger. Now the Pox  
Light on your Pickt-Hatch prowess.  Sog. 
Why I tell you Sir, he has been the only Bid-stand that ever was, kept Newmarket, salisbury Plain, Hockley i'the hole, Gadshill; all the high places of any Request: he has had his Mares and his Geldings he, ha' been worth forty, threescore, a hundred pound a Horse, would ha' sprung you over hedge and ditch like your Greyhound: he has done five hundred Robberies in his time, more or less, I assure you.  Punt. 
What? and scaped?  Sog. 
scaped! i'faith I: he has broken the jail when he has been in irons, and irons; and been out, and in again; & out, and in; forty times and not so few, he.  Mac. 
A fit Trumpet to proclaim such a person.  Carl. 
But can this be possible?  Shift. 
why 'tis nothing sir, when a man gives his Affections to it.  Sog. 
Good Pylades discourse a Robbery or two, to satisfy these Gentlemen of thy worth.  Shift. 
Pardon me my dear Orestes: Causes have their Quiddits, and 'tis ill jesting with Bell-ropes.  Carl. 
How? Pylades and Orestes?  Sog. 
ay, he is my Pylades, and I am his Orestes: how like you the conceit?  Carl. 
O, it's an old stale Interlude devise: No, I'll give you Names myself: look you, he shall be your judas, and you shall be his Elder tree to hang on.  Maci. 
Nay rather, let him be Captain Pod, and this his Motion; for he does nothing but Show him.  Car. 
Excellent: or thus; you shall be Holden, and he your camel.  Shift. 
You do not mean to ride Gentlemen?  Punt. 
Faith let me end it for you Gallants: you shall be his Countenance, and he your Resolution.  Sog. 
Troth that's pretty: how say you Cavalier, shalt be so?  Carl. 
ay, ay, most voices.  Shift. 
Faith I am easily yielding to any good Impressions:  Sog. 
Then give hands good Resolution.  Car. 
Mass he cannot say good Countenance now (properly) to him again.  Punt. 
Yes, by an Irony.  Mac. 
O sir, the countenance of Resolution should, as he's altogether grim and unpleasant.  Enter brisk. Fast. 
Good hours make Music with your mirth Gentlemen, and keep time to your humours: how now Carlo?  Punt. 
Monsieur brisk! many a long look have I extended for you sir.  Fast. 
Good faith I must crave pardon; I was invited this morning ere I was out of my bed, by a Bevy of Ladies, to a Banquet: whence it was almost one of Hercules' Labours for me to come away, but that the respect of my promise did so prevail with me: I know they'll take it very ill, especially one that gave me this Bracelet of her Hair but over night, and this Pearl another gave me from her forehead, Mary she— what? are the Writings ready?  Punt. 
I will send my man to know. Sirrah, go you to the Notaries, and learn if he be ready: leave the Dog sir.  Exit serving-man. Fast. 
And how does my rare qualified friend Sogliardo? oh signor Macilente! by these eyes I saw you not, I had saluted you sooner else on my troth: I hope sir I may presume upon you that you will not divulge my late cheek, or disgrace indeed sir.  Mac. 
You may sir.  Carl. 
S'heart he knows some notorious jest by this Gull, that he hath him so obsequious.  Sog. 
Monsieur Fastidius, do you see this fellow there? does he not look like a Clown? would you think there's any thing in him?  Fast. 
Any thing in him? beshrew me, I; the fellow hath a good ingenious face.  Sog. 
By this Element, he is an ingenious tall man as ever swaggered about London: he and I call Countenance & Resolution, but his name is Cavalier Shift.  Punt. 
Cavalier, you knew signor Clog, that was hanged for the robbery at Harrow on the hill?  Sog. 
Knew him Sir! why 'twas he gave all the directions for the Action.  Punt. 
How? was't your Project sir?  Shift. 
Pardon me Countenance, you do me some wrong to make that public, which I imparted to you in private.  Sog. 
God's will, here are none but friend's Resolution.  Shift. 
That's all one; things of Consequence must have their respects, where, how, and to whom. Yes sir, he showed himself a true Clog in the Coherence of that affair sir; for if he had managed matters as they were corroborated to him, it had been better for him by a forty or fifty score of pounds sir, and he himself might ha' lived (in despite of Fate) to have fed on Woodcocks with the rest: but it was his heavy fortunes to sink poor Clog, and therefore talk no more of him.  Punt. 
why, had he more Agents then?  Sog. 
O God sir; ay, there were some present there, that were the nine Worthies to him i'faith.  Shift. 
ay sir, I can satisfy you at more convenient conference: but (for mine own part) I have now reconciled myself to other courses, and profess a living out of my other qualities.  Sog. 
Nay, he has left all now (I assure you) and is able to live like a Gentleman by his Quality. By this Dog, he has the most rare gift in Tobacco that ever you knew.  Carl. 
S'heart, he keeps more ado with this Monster, than ever Banks did with his Horse, or the Fellow with the Elephant.  Mac. 
He will hang out his Picture shortly in a cloth, you shall see.  Sog. 
O, he does manage a quarrel the best that ever you saw, for Terms and Circumstances.  Fast. 
Good faith signor (now you speak of a quarrel) I'll acquaint you with a difference that happened between a Gallant and myself: sir Puntarvolo, you know him if I should name him; signor Luculento.  Punt. 
Luculento! what inauspicious chance interposed itself betwixt your two loves?  Fast. 
Faith sir, the same that sundered Agamemnon and great Thetis son; but let the cause escape Sir: He sent me a challenge (mixed with some few braves) which I restored, and in fine we met. Now indeed Sir (I must tell you) he did offer at first very desperately, but without judgement: for look you sir. I cast myself into this figure: now he, comes violently on, and withal advancing his Rapier to strike, I thought to have took his arm (for he had left his whole body to my election, and I was sure he could not recover his guard) Sir, I missed my purpose in his arm, rashed his doublet sleeve, ran him close by the left cheek, and through his hair: He again lights me here, I had a gold Cable hatband then new come up, (which I wore about a murrey French Hat I had) cuts my Hatband (and yet it was Massy, goldsmith's work) cuts my brims, which by good fortune (being thick embroidered with gold twist, and Spangles) disappointed the force of the blow: Nevertheless it grazed on my shoulder, takes me away six purls of an Italian cutwork Band I wore, cost me three pounds in the exchange but three days before.  Punt. 
This was a strange encounter.  Fastid. 
Nay you shall hear sir, with this we both fell out and breathed: Now (upon the second sign of his assault) I betook me to the former manner of my defence; he (on the other side) abandoned his body to the same danger as before, and follows me still with blows. But I (being loath to take the deadly advantage that lay before me of his left side) made a kind of stramazon, ran him up to the hilts, through the Doublet, through the Shirt, and yet missed the skin. He (making a reverse blow) falls upon my embossed girdle (I had thrown off the hangers a little before) strikes off a skirt of a thick laced Satin Doublet I had (lined with some four taffetas) cuts of two panes embroidered with Pearl, rends through the drawings out of tissue, enters the linings, and skips the flesh.  Carl. 
I wonder he speaks not of his wrought Shirt.  Fast. 
Here (in the opinion of mutual damage) we paused: but (ere I proceed) I must tell you signor, that (in this last encounter) not having leisure to put off my silver Spurs, one of the rowels catched hold of the ruffle of my Boot, and (being Spanish leather, and subject to tear) overthrows me, rends me two pair of silk stockings (that I put on being somewhat a raw morning, a Peach colour and another) and strikes me some half inch deep into the side of the Calf; He (seeing the blood come) presently takes horse and away. I (having bound up my wound with a piece of my wrought Shirt)  Car. 
O comes it there?  Fast. 
Rid after him, and (lighting at the court gate both together) embraced and marched hand in hand up into the Presence.  Mac. 
Well, by this we can guess what apparel the Gentleman wore.  Punt. 
'Fore God it was a designment begun with much resolution, maintained with as much prowess, and ended with more humanity. How now, what says he?  His Servingman enters. Seruing. 
The Notary says he is ready sir, he stays but your worship's pleasure.  Punt. 
Come we will go to him monsieur. Gentlemen shall we entreat you to be witnesses.  Sog. 
You shall entreat me sir, come Resolution.  Shift. 
I follow you good Countenance.  Carl. 
Come signor, come, come.  Maci. 
O, that there should be fortune  
To clothe these men, so naked in desert,  
And that the just Storm of a wretched life,  
Beats 'em not ragged for their wretched souls,  
And since as fruitless, even as black as coals.  Exeunt. GREX. Mitis. 
Why but signor, how comes it that Fungoso appeared not with his sister's intelligence to Brisk.  Cord. 
Mary long of the evil Angels that she gave him, who have indeed tempted the good simple youth to follow the tail of the Fashion, and neglect the imposition of his friends. Behold here he comes, very Worshipfully attended, and with good variety.   

SCENA QUARTA.  Enter Fungoso with Taylor, Shoemaker, and Haberdasher. Fung. 
Gramercy good Shoemaker, I'll put too strings myself.  Exit Shoemaker. 
Now Sir, let me see, what must you have for this Hat?  Haber. 
Here's the bill, sir.  Fung. 
How dost become me, well?  Tailor. 
Excellent Sir, as ever you had any Hat in your life.  Haber. 
Nay faith Sir, the Hat's as good as any man i' this town can serve you. And will maintain Fashion as long, ne'er trust me for a groat else.  Fung. 
does it apply well to my suit?  Tay. 
Exceeding well sir.  Fung. 
How lik'st thou my suit Haberdasher?  Hab. 
By my troth sir 'tis very rarely well made, I never saw a suit sit better I can tell on.  Tay. 
Nay, we have no Art to please our friends, we.  Fung. 
Here Haberdasher tell this same.  Haberdasher. 
Good faith sir, it makes you have an excellent body.  Fung. 
Nay (believe me) I think I have as good a body in clothes as another.  Tailor. 
You lack points to bring your apparel together.  Fung. 
I'll have points anon: how now? is't right?  Hab. 
Faith sir 'tis too little, but upon farther hopes. Good morrow to you sir.  Exit Haberdasher. Fung. 
Farewell good Haberdasher, well now master Smp let me see your bill.  GREX. Mit. Cord. 
methinks he discharges his followers too thick, O therein he saucily imitates some Great man. I warrant you though he turns off them, he keeps this tailor in place of a Page to follow him still.  Fung. 
This Bill is very reasonable in faith, hark you master Snip. Troth sir I am not altogether so well furnished at this present, as I could wish I were: but— If you'll do me the favour to take part in hand, you shall have all I have by jesu.  Tay. 
Sir—  Fung. 
And but give me credit for the rest, till the beginning of the next Term.  Tay. 
O Lord sir—  Fung. 
'Fore God and by this light I'll pay you to the utmost, and acknowledge myself very deeply engaged to you by this hand.  Tay. 
Why how much have you there Sir?  Fung. 
Marry I have here four Angels, and fifteen shillings of White money, it's all I have as hope to be saved.  Tay. 
You will not fail me at the next Term with the rest.  Fung. 
No and I do, pray God I be hanged. Let me never breathe again upon this mortal Stage, as the Philosopher calls it. By this air, and (as I am a Gentleman) I'll hold.  GREX. Cord. 
He were an iron-hearted fellow in my judgement, that would not credit him upon these monstrous others.  Tay. 
Well sir, I'll not stick with any Gentleman for a trifle: you know what 'tis remains?  Fung. 
ay sir, and I give you thanks in good faith, O God how happy am I made in this good fortune. Well, now I'll go seek out monsieur brisk. God's so, I have forgot Ribbon for my shoes; and points. 'Slid what luck's this? how shall I do? Master Snip, pray let me reduct some two or three shillings for points and Ribbon, by jesu I have utterly disfurnished myself in the default of memory, pray, le' me be beholding to you, it shall come home i'the bill believe me.  Tay. 
Faith sir, I can hardly depart with money, but I'll take up and send you by my boy presently. What coloured Ribbon would you have?  Fung. 
What you shall think meet i'your judgement Sir to my suit.  Tayl. 
Well, I'll send you some presently.  Fung. 
And points too sir?  Tayl. 
And points too sir.  Exit Taylor. Fung. 
Good Lord how shall I study to deserve this kindness of you sir. Pray let your youth make haste, for I should have done a business an hour since, that I doubt I shall come too late. Now in good truth I am exceeding proud of my suit.  Exit. GREX. Cord. 
Do you observe the plunges that this poor Gallant is put too (signor) to purchase the Fashion.  Mit. 
ay, and to be still a Fashion behind with the world, that's the sport.  Cord. 
Stay: O here they come from sealed and delivered.   

SCENA QUINTA.  Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius brisk, serving men with the Dog. Punt. 
Well now my whole venture is forth, I will resolve to depart shortly.  Fast. 
Faith sir Puntarvolo go to the Court, and take leave of the Ladies first.  Punt. 
I care not if it be this afternoons labour. Where is Carlo?  Fast. 
Here he comes.  Enter Carlo, Sogliardo, Shift, and Macilente. Carl. 
Faith Gallants, I am persuading this Gentleman to turn Courtier, he is a man of fair Revenue, and his estate will bear the charge well, beside for his other gifts of the mind, or so, why, they are as Nature lent him 'em, pure, simple, without any Artificial drug or mixture of these two threadbare beggarly qualities, Learning and Knowledge, and therefore the more accommodate and Genuine. Now for the life itself—  Fasti. 
O, the most Celestial, and full of wonder and delight that can be imagined signor, beyond all thought and apprehension of Pleasure. A man lives there in that divine Rapture, that he will think himself i' the third Heaven for the time, and lose all sense of Mortality whatsoever; when he shall behold such glorious (and almost immortal) beauties, hear such Angelical and Harmonious voices, discourse with such flowing and Ambrosian spirits, whose wits as sudden as Lightning, and humorous as Nectar; Oh: it makes a man all Quintessence and Flame, and lifts him up (in a moment) to the very Crystal Crown o'the sky, where (hovering in the strength of his Imagination) he shall behold all the delights of the Hesperides, the Insulae Fortunatae, Adonis' gardens, Tempe, or what else (confined within the amplest verge of Poesy) to be mere umbrae, and imperfect Figures, conferred with the most essential felicity of your Court.  Mac. 
Well this ENCOMION was not extemporal, it came too perfectly off.  Car. 
Besides Sir, you shall never need to go to a hothouse, you shall sweat there with courting your mistress, or losing your money at Primero, as well as in all the Stoves in Flanders. Mary this sir, you must ever be sure to carry a good strong perfume about you, that your mistress Dog may smell you out amongst the rest; and (in making love to her) never fear to be out: for you may have a pipe of Tobacco, or a base Viol shall hang o'the wall of purpose, will put you in presently. The Tricks your Resolution has taught you in Tobacco, (the Whiff, and those sleights) will stand you in very good Ornament there?  Fasti. 
ay, to some perhaps: but, and he should come to my Mistress with Tobacco (this Gentleman knows) she'd reply upon him i'faith. Oh (by this bright sun) she has the most acute, ready, and facetious wit, that— tut there's no spirit able to stand her. You can report it signor, you have seen her?  Punt. 
Then can he report no less out of his judgement, I assure him.  Maci. 
Troth I like her well enough, but she's too self-conceited methinks.  Fast. 
I indeed, she's a little too self-conceited, and 'twere not for that Humour, she were the most to be admired Lady in the world.  Punt. 
Indeed it is a Humour that takes from her other excellencies.  Maci. 
Why it may easily be made to forsake her in my thought.  Fasti. 
Easily Sir? then are all impossibilities easy.  Maci. 
You conclude too quick upon me signor, what will you say if I make it so perspicuously appear now, that yourself shall confess nothing more possible.  Fasti. 
Marry I will say, I will both applaud you, and admire you for it.  Punt. 
And I will second him.  Mac. 
Why I'll show you Gentlemen, Carlo come hither.  Macilente, Carlo, Puntarvolo, and brisk, whisper. Sog. 
Good faith I have a great Humour to the Court, what thinks my Resolutions? shall I adventure?  Shift. 
Troth Countenance, as you please; the Place is a place of good Reputation and Capacity.  Sog. 
O, my tricks in Tobacco (as Carlo says) will show excellent there.  Shift. 
Why you may go with these Gentlemen now, and see fashions; and after, as you shall see Correspondence.  Sog. 
You say true. You will go with me Resolution?  Shift. 
I will meet you Countenance, about three or four of Clock, but, to say to go with you I cannot, for (as I am Apple john) I am to go before the Cockatrice you saw this morning, and therefore pray, present me excused good Countenance.  Sog. 
Farewell good Resolution, but fail not to meet.  Shift. 
As I live.  Exit Shift. They break silence: Punt. 
Admirably excellent.  Mac. 
If you can but persuade Sogliardo to the Court, there's all now.  Carl. 
O let me alone, that's my task:  Fast. 
Now by jesu Macilente, it 's above measure excellent: 'twill be the only courtly exploit that ever proved Courtier ingenious.  Punt. 
Upon my soul it puts the Lady quite out of her Humour, and we shall laugh with judgement.  Carl. 
Come, the Gentleman was of himself resolved to go with you, afore I moved it.  Mac. 
Why then Gallants, you two and Carlo go afore to prepare the jest: Sogliardo and I will come some while after you.  Carl. 
Pardon me, I am not for the Court.  Punt. 
That's true: Carlo comes not at the Court indeed well, you shall leave it to the faculty of monsieur brisk, and myself; upon our lives we will manage it happily. Carlo shall bespeak supper at the Mitre against we come back: where we will meet, and dimple our cheeks with laughter at the success.  Carl. 
ay, but will you all promise to come.  Punt. 
myself shall manfred it for them: he that fails, let his Reputation lie under the lash of thy tongue.  Carl. 
God's so', look who comes here.  Enter Fungoso. Sog. 
What, Nephew?  Fun. 
Uncle, God save you; did you see a Gentleman, one Monsieur Brisk? a Courtier, he goes in such a Suit as I do.  Sog. 
Here is the Gentleman Nephew, but not in such a Suit.  Fung. 
Another Suit!  He Swoons. Sog. 
How now Nephew?  Fast. 
Would you speak to me Sir?  Carl. 
ay, when he has recovered himself: poor Poll.  Punt. 
Some Rosa-solis.  Maci. 
How now signor?  Fun. 
I am not well Sir.  Mac. 
Why this it is, to dog the Fashion.  Carl. 
Nay come Gentlemen, remember your affairs; his disease is nothing but the Flux of Apparel.  Punt. 
Sirs, return to the lodging, keep the Cat safe; I'll be the dog's Guardian myself.  Exeunt servingmen. Sog. 
Nephew, will you go to the Court with us; these Gentlemen and I are for the Court: nay be not so Melancholy.  Fung. 
By God's lid I think no man in Christendom has that rascally fortune that I have.  Maci. 
Faith your Suit is well enough signor.  Fun. 
Nay, not for that I protest; but I had an errand to Monsieur Fastidius, and I have forgot it.  Maci. 
Why go along to the Court with us, and remember it, come. Gentlemen, you three take one Boat, and Sogliardo and I will take another: we shall be there instantly.  Fast. 
Content: good Sir vouchsafe us your pleasance.  Punt. 
Farewell Carlo; remember.  Carl. 
I warrant you: would I had one of Kemp's shoes to throw after you.  Punt. 
Good Fortune will close the eyes of our jest, fear not: and we shall frolic.  Exeunt. GREX. Mit. 
This Macilente signor begins to be more sociable on a sudden methinks, than he was before, there 's some Portent in't, I believe.  Cord. 
O he's a fellow of a strange Nature. Now does he (in this calm of his Humour) plot and store up a world of malicious thoughts in his brain, till he is so full with 'em, that you shall see the very Torrent of his Envy break forth, and against the course of all their affections oppose itself so violently, that you will almost have wonder to think how 'tis possible the current of their Dispositions shall receive so quick and strong an alteration.  Mit. 
I marry sir, this is that on which my Expectation has dwelled all this while: for I must tell you signor (though I was loath to interrupt the Scene) yet I made it a question in mine own private discourse, how he should properly call it, Every man out of his Humour, when I saw all his Actors so strongly pursue and continue their Humours?  Cord. 
Why therein his Art appears most full of lustre, and approacheth nearest the life, especially when in the flame and height of their Humours they are laid flat, it fills the eye better, and with more contentment. How tedious a sight were it to behold a proud exalted tree lopped and cut down by degrees, when it might be field in a moment? and to set the Axe to it, before it came to that pride and fullness, were as not it have it grow.  Mit. 
Well I shall long till I see this fall you talk of.  Cord. 
To help your longing, signor, let your imagination be swifter than a pair of Oars, and by this, suppose Puntarvolo, brisk, Fungoso, and the Dog, arrived at the court gate, and going up to the great chamber. Macilente and Sogliardo, we'll leave them on the water till Possibility and Natural means may land 'em. Here come the Gallants, now prepare your Expectation.    

ACTUS QUINTUS,  

SCENA PRIMA.  Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius brisk, Fungoso, and the Dog. Punt. 
Come Lordings. signor you are sufficiently instructed.  Fast. 
Who I sir?  Punt. 
No, this Gentleman. But stay, I take thought how to bestow my dog, he is no competent attendant for the Presence.  Fast. 
Mass that 's true in deed knight, you must not carry him into the Presence.  Punt. 
I know it, and I (like a dull beast) forgot to bring one of my Cormorants to attend me.  Fast. 
Why you're best leave him at the porter's lodge.  Punt. 
Not so: his worth is too well known amongst them, to be forthcoming.  Fast. 
'slight, how'll you do then?  Punt. 
I must leave him with one that is ignorant of his quality, if I will have him to be safe. And see; Here comes one that will carry coals, Ergo, will hold my Dog. My honest friend, may I commit the tuition of this Dog to thy prudent care?  Enter a Groom with a basket. Groom. 
You may if you please sir.  Punt. 
Pray thee let me find thee here at my return: it shall not be long, till I will Ease thee of thy employment, and Please thee. Forth Gentles.  Fast. 
Why, but will you leave him with so slight command, and infuse no more charge upon the fellow?  Punt. 
Charge? no, there wear no policy in that; that were to let him know the value of the Gem he holds, and so, to tempt frail nature against her disposition. No, pray thee let thy Honesty be sweet and short.  Groom. 
Yes sir.  Punt. 
But hark you Gallants, and chiefly Monsieur Brisk, When we come in eye-shot or presence of this Lady, let not other matters carry us from our Project: but (if we can) single her forth to some place.  Fast. 
I warrant you.  Punt. 
And be not too sudden, but let the devise induce itself with good Circumstance: on.  Fun. 
Is this the way? good truth here be fine hangings.  Exeunt Puntarvolo, brisk, Fungoso. Groom. 
Honesty, Sweet and Short? mary it shall sir, doubt you not: for even at this instant if one would give me twenty pounds, I would not deliver him; there's for the Sweet: but now, if any man come offer me but twopence, he shall have him; there's for the Short now. 'sblood, what a mad Humorous Gentleman is this to leave his Dog with me: I could run away with him now and he were worth any thing: well, I pray God send him quickly again.  Enter Macilente and Sogliardo. Maci. 
Come on signor, now prepare to Court this All-witted Lady, most Naturally and like yourself.  Sog. 
Faith and you say the word, I'll begin to her in Tobacco.  Maci. 
O, fie on't. no: you shall begin with, How does my sweet Lady; or, Why are you so melancholy madam? though she be very merry, it's all one: be sure to kiss your hand often enough; pray for her health, and tell her, how more than most fair she is: Screw your face at' 'one side thus, & Protest; let her fleer and look askance, and hide her Teeth with her Fan, when she laughs a fit, to bring her into more matter; that's nothing: you must talk forward (though it be without sense, so it be without blushing) 'tis most Courtlike and well.  Sog. 
But shall I not use Tobacco at all?  Mac. 
O, by no means, 'twill but make your breath suspected; and that you use it only to confound the rankness of that.  Sog. 
Nay, I'll be advised sir by my friends.  Maci. 
God's my life, see where sir Puntar's Dog is.  Groom. 
I would the Gentleman would return for his follower here, I'll leave him to his fortunes else.  Maci. 
S'heart, 'twere the only true jest in the world to poison him now: ha? by God's will I'll do it, if I could but get him of the fellow. signor Sogliardo, walk aside, and think upon some devise to entertain the Lady with.  Sog. 
So I do sir.  Sog. walks off, meditating. Mac. 
How now mine honest friend? whose Dog-keeper art thou?  Groom. 
Dog-keeper sir? I hope I scorn that i'faith.  Mac. 
Why? dost thou not keep a Dog?  Groom. 
Sir, now I do, and now I do not: I think this be Sweet and Short: make me his Dog-keeper?  Throws off the Dog, & Exit. Maci. 
This is excellent above expectation: nay stay sir, you'd be travailing; but I'll give you a Dram shall shorten your voyage: here: so sir, I'll be bold to take my leave of you: now to the Turks Court in the devils name, for you shall never go on God's name. [Kicks him out. ]Sogliardo, come.  Sog. 
I ha' 't i'faith now, will sting it.  Maci. 
Take heed you lose it not signor, ere you come there: preserve it.  Exeunt. GREX. Cor. 
How like you this first exploit of his?  Mit. 
O, a piece of true Envy, but I expect the issue of the other devise.  Cor. 
Here they come, will make it appear.   

SCENA SECUNDA.  Enter Puntarvolo, Saviolina, Fastidius brisk, Fungoso. Saui. 
Why I thought Sir Puntarvolo, you had been gone your Voyage?  Punt. 
Dear, and most Amiable Lady, your Divine Beauties do bind me to those Offices, that I cannot depart when I would.  Saui. 
'Tis most Courtlike spoken sir; but how might we do to have a sight of your Dog and Cat?  Fast. 
His dog's in the Court, Lady.  Saui. 
And not your Cat? how dare you trust her behind you Sir?  Punt. 
Troth madam she hath sore eyes, and she doth keep her Chamber: marry I have left her under sufficient guard: there are two of my Hinds to attend her.  Saui. 
I'll give you some Water for her eyes: when do you go sir?  Punt. 
Certes sweet Lady, I know not.  Fast. 
He doth stay the rather madam, to present your Acute judgement with so Courtly, and well-Parted a Gentleman, as yet your Ladyship hath never seen.  Saui. 
What's he, gentle Monsieur brisk? not that Gentleman?  Fast. 
No Lady, this is a Kinsman of justice Silence.  Punt. 
Pray sir, give me leave to report him: he's a Gentleman (Lady) of that rare and admirable faculty, as (I protest) I know not his like in Europe: he is exceedingly Valiant, an excellent Scholar, and so exactly travailed, that he is able in discourse, to deliver you a Model of any PRINCE's Court in the world: speaks the Languages with that purity of Phrase, and facility of Accent, that it breeds astonishment: his Wit, the most Exuberant, and (above wonder) pleasant, of all that ever entered the concave of this care.  Fast. 
'Tis most true Lady; mary he is no such excellent proper man.  Punt. 
His Travails have changed his complexion, Madam.  Saui. 
O Sir Puntarvolo, you must think every man was not borne to have my Servant Briske's feature.  Punt. 
But that which transcends all, Lady; he doth so Peerlessely imitate any manner of person for Gesture, Action, Passion, or whatever—  Fast. 
ay, especially a Rustic or a Clown Madam, that it is not possible for the sharpest-sighted wit (in the world) to discern any sparks of the Gentleman in him, when he does it.  Saui. 
O Monsieur brisk, be not so Tyrannous to confine all Wits within the compass of your own: Not find the sparks of a Gentleman in him, if he be a Gentleman?  Fun. 
No in truth (sweet Lady) I believe you cannot.  Saui. 
Do you believe so? Why I can find sparks of a Gentleman in you Sir.  Punt. 
ay, he is a Gentleman Madam, and a Reveller.  Fung. 
Indeed I think I have seen your Ladyship at our Revels.  Saui. 
Like enough sir: but would I might see this wonder you talk of: may one have a sight of him for any reasonable sum?  Punt. 
Yes Madam, he will arrive presently.  Saui. 
What, and shall we see him Clown it?  Fast. 
i'faith (sweet Lady) that you shall: see here he comes.  Enter Macilente with Sogliardo. Punt. 
This is he; pray observe him Lady.  Saui. 
Beshrew me, he clowns it properly indeed.  Punt. 
Nay, mark his Courtship.  Sog. 
How does my sweet Lady; hot and moist? Beautiful and lusty? ha?  Saui. 
Beautiful and it please you sir, but not lusty.  Sog. 
O ho Lady; it pleases you to say so in truth: and how does my sweet Lady; in health? Bonaroba, quaeso? que Novelles? que Novelles? Sweet creature.  Saui. 
O excellent: why Gallants, is this he cannot be Deciphered? they were very blear-witted i'faith that could not discern the Gentleman in him.  Punt. 
But do you, in earnest Lady?  Saui. 
Do I sir? why if you had any true Court-judgement in the carriage of his eye, and that inward power that forms his countenance, you might perceive his counterfeiting as clear as the noon day: Alas; Nay if you would have tried my Wit indeed, you should never have told me he was a Gentleman, but presented him for a true Clown indeed; and then have seen if I could have Deciphered him.  Fast. 
'Fore God, her Ladyship says true (Knight:) but does he not affect the Clown most naturally, Mistress?  Punt. 
O, she cannot but affirm that, out of the Bounty of her judgement.  Saui. 
Nay out of doubt he does well, for a Gentleman to imitate; but I warrant you, he becomes his Natural carriage of the Gentleman, much better than his Clownery.  Fast. 
'Tis strange in truth, her Ladyship should see so far into him.  Punt. 
ay, is't not.  Saui. 
Faith as easily as may be: not Decipher him, quoth you?  Fun. 
Good sadness, I wonder at it.  Mac. 
Why, has she Deciphered him, Gentlemen?  Punt. 
O most miraculously, and beyond Admiration.  Mac. 
Is't possible?  Fast. 
She hath given most infallible signs of the Gentleman in him, that's certain.  Saui. 
Why Gallants, let me laugh at you a little: was this your device, to try my judgement in a Gentleman?  Maci. 
Nay Lady, do not scorn us, though you have this gift of Perspicacy above others: What if he should be no Gentleman now, but a Clown indeed Lady?  Punt. 
How think you of that? would not your Ladyship be out of your Humour?  Fast. 
O, but she knows it is not so.  Saui. 
What if he were not a man, ye may as well say? nay if your Worships could Gull me so indeed, you were wiser than you are taken for.  Maci. 
In good faith Lady, he is a very perfect Clown, both by Father and Mother: that I'll assure you.  Saui. 
O Sir, you are very pleasurable.  Maci. 
Nay, do but look on his Hand, and that shall resolve you: Look you Lady, what a Palm here is.  Sog. 
Tut, that was with holding the Plough.  Maci. 
The Plough! did you discern any such thing in him madam?  Fast. 
Faith no, she saw the Gentleman as bright as at noonday she: she deciphered him at first.  Maci. 
Troth I am sorry your ladyships sight should be so suddenly struck.  Saui. 
O, you're goodly Beagles!  Fast. 
What, is she gone?  Sog. 
Nay stay sweet Lady; Que Novelles, Que Novelles.  Saui. 
Out, you fool you.  Exit Saui. Fung. 
she's out of her Humour i'faith.  Fast. 
Nay, let's follow it while 'tis hot Gentlemen.  Punt. 
Come, on mine Honour we'll make her blush in the Presence: my spleen is great with laughter.  Maci. 
Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life I believe sir. Come signor, your looks are too dejected methinks: why mix you not mirth with the rest?  Fun. 
By God's will this Suit frets me at the Soul. I'll have it altered tomorrow sure.  Exeunt. Enter Shift. Shift. 
I am come to the Court to meet with my Countenance Sogliardo: poor men must be glad of such Countenance, when they can get no better. Well, Need may insult upon a man, but it shall never make him despair of Consequence: The world will say, 'tis base; tush, base! 'tis base to live under the earth, not base to live above it, by any means.  Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius, Sogliardo, Fungoso, Macilente. Fast. 
The poor Lady is most miserably out of her Humour i'faith.  Punt. 
There was never so witty a jest broken at the Tilt, of all the Court wits christened.  Maci. 
O, this applause taints it foully.  Sog. 
I think I did my part in Courting. O Resolution!  Punt. 
ay me, my Dog.  Maci. 
Where is he?  Fast. 
God's precious, go seek for the fellow, good signor.  Sends away Fungoso. Punt. 
Here, here I left him.  Maci. 
Why none was here when we came in now, but Cavalier Shift, inquire of him.  Fast. 
Did you see Sir Puntarvolo's Dog here Cavalier, since you came?  Shift. 
His Dog sir? he may look his Dog sir; I see none of his Dog sir.  Maci. 
Upon my life he hath stol'n your Dog sir, and been hired to it by some that have ventured with you; you may guess by his peremptory answers.  Pun. 
Not unlike; for he hath been a notorious thief by his own confession. Sirrah, where's my Dog?  Shift. 
Charge me with your Dog sir? I ha' none of your Dog Sir.  Punt. 
Villain, thou liest.  Shift. 
Lie sir? 'Sblood you're but a man sir.  Punt. 
Rogue and Thief, restore him.  Sog. 
Take heed sir Puntarvolo what you do; he'll bear no coals I can tell you (of my word.)  Maci. 
This is rare.  Sog. 
It's mar'le he stabs you not: by this Light, he hath stabbed forty for forty times less matter, I can tell you, of my knowledge.  Punt. 
I will make thee stoop, thou Abject.  Sog. 
Make him stoop sir! Gentlemen pacify him or he'll be killed.  Maci. 
Is he so tall a man?  Sog. 
Tall a man? if you love his life stand betwixt 'em: make him stoop!  Punt. 
My Dog Villain, or I will hang thee: thou hast confessed robberies, and other Felonious acts to this Gentleman thy Countenance.  Sog. 
I'll bear no witness.  Punt. 
And without my Dog I will hang thee, for them.  Shift kneels. Sog. 
What? kneel to thine enemy?  Shift. 
Pardon me good sir; God is my judge I never did Robbery in all my life.  Enter Fungoso. Fung. 
O sir Puntarvolo, your Dog lies giving up the ghost in the woodyard.  Maci. 
'Sblood is he not dead yet?  Punt. 
O, my Dog borne to disastrous fortune! pray you conduct me sir.  Exit Punt: with Fung. Sog. 
How? did you never do any robbery in your life?  Maci. 
O this is good: so he swore sir.  Sog. 
ay, I heard him. And did you swear true sir?  Shift. 
I (as God shall have part of my soul Sir) I ne'er robbed any man I; never stood by the high way side sir, but only said so, because I would get myself a name & be counted a tall man.  Sog. 
Now out base Viliaco: Thou my Resolution? I thy Countenance? By this light Gentlemen, he hath confessed to me the most inexorable company of Robberies, and damned himself that he did 'em; you never heard the like: out scoundrel out, follow me no more I command thee: out of my sight, go, hence, speak not: I will not hear thee; away Camouccio.  Mac. 
O, how I do feed upon this now, and fat myself? here were a couple unexpectedly dishumoured: well, by this time I hope sir Puntarvolo and his Dog are both out of Humour to travail: nay Gentlemen, why do you not seek out the Knight, and comfort him? our Supper at the Mitre must of necessity hold tonight, if you love your Reputations.  Fast. 
'Fore God I am so Melancholy for his dog's disaster, but I'll go.  Sog. 
Faith and I may go too, but I know I shall be so Melancholy.  Mac. 
Tush, Melancholy? you must forget that now, and remember you lie at the mercy of a Fury: Carlo will rack your sinews asunder, and rail you to dust if you come not.  Exeunt. GREX. Mit. 
O then their fear of Carlo be like, makes them hold their meeting.  Cor. 
ay, here he comes: conceive him but to be entered the Mitre, and 'tis enough.   

SCENA TERTIA.  Enter Carlo. Carl. 
Holla: where be these Shot-sharks?  Enter Drawer. Draw. 
By and by: you're welcome good Master Buffone.  Carl. 
Where's George? call me George hither quickly.  Draw. 
What wine please you have Sir? I'll draw you that's neat Master Buffone.  Carl. 
Away neophyte, do as I bid; bring my dear George to me: Mass here he comes.  Enter George. Georg. 
Welcome Master Carlo.  Carl. 
What's Supper ready, George?  Georg. 
ay sir, almost: will you have the cloth laid, Master Carlo?  Carl. 
O, what else: are none of the Gallants come yet?  Georg. 
None yet sir.  Carl. 
Stay, take me with you George: let me have a good fat loin of Pork laid to the fire presently.  Georg. 
It shall sir.  Carl. 
And withal, hear you? draw me the biggest shaft you have out of thee But you wot of: away, you know my meaning George, quick.  George. 
Done sir.  Exit. Carl. 
'sblood, I never hungered so much for thing in my life, as I do to know our Gallants success at the Court: now is that lean Bald-rib Macilente, that salt Villain, plotting some mischievous devise, and lies a soaking in their frothy Humours like a dry crust, till he has drunk 'em all up: could the Kecks but hold up's eyes at other men's happiness in any reasonable proportion, 'Slid the slave were to be loved next Heaven, above Honour, Wealth, rich Fare, Apparel, Wenches, all the delights of the Belly, and the Groin, whatever.  Enter Geor. Geor. 
Here Master Carlo.  Carl. 
Is't right, Boy?  Geor. 
ay sir, I assure you 'tis right.  Carl. 
Well said my dear George, depart: Come, my small gimlet, you in the false scabbard, away; so: Now to you sir Burgomaster, let's taste of your Bounty.  Puts forth the Drawer and shuts the door. GREX. Mit. 
What, will he deal upon such quantities of Wine alone.  Cor. 
You shall perceive that sir.  He drinks. Car. 
I marry sir, here's purity: O George, I could bite off thy nose for this now: Sweet Rogue, he has drawn Nectar, the very Soul of the Grape: I'll wash my temples with some on't presently, and drink some half a score draughts; 'twill heat the brain, kindle my Imagination, I shall talk nothing but Crackers and Firework tonight. So sir; Please you to be here sir, and I here: So.  He sets the two cups asunder, and first drinks with the one, and pledges with the other. GREX. Cord. 
This is worth the observation, signor.  Carl. 1 cup. 
Now sir, here's to you; and I present you with so much of my love.  2 Cup. 
I take it kindly from you Sir. (Drinks )And will return you the like proportion: but withal sir, remembering the merry night we had at the Countesses; you know where sir.  1 Cup. 
By jesu you do put me in mind now of a very necessary office, which I will propose in your pledge sir: The health of that Honourable Countess, and the sweet Lady that sat by her sir.  
2 I do vail to it with reverence. (Drinks. )2. And now signor, with these Ladies, I'll be bold to mix the health of your Divine Mistress. 1. Do you know her sir? 2 O Lord sir, ay, and in the respectful memory and mention of her, I could wish this Wine were the most precious drug in the world.  
1 Good faith sir, you do honour mein 'texceedingly.  (Drinks) GREX. Mit. 
Whom should he personate in this, signor?  Cor. 
Faith I know not sir, observe, observe him.  
2 If it were the basest filth or mud that runs in the channel, I am bound to pledge it by God sir. (Drinks. )And now sir, here is again a replenished bowl sir, which I will reciprocally return upon you to the health of the Count Frugal. 1 The Count Frugale's health sir? I'll pledge it on my knees by jesu. 2 Will you sir? I'll drink it on my knees then, by the Lord.  (Drinks.) GREX. Mit. 
Why this is strange.  Cor. 
Ha' you heard a better drunken Dialogue?  
2 Nay, do me right Sir. 1 So I do in good faith. 2 Good faith you do not; mine was fuller. 1 Why by Jesu it was not. 2 By jesu it was, and you do lie. 1 Lie sir. 2 I Sir. 1 S'wounds you Rascal. 2 O, come, stab if you have a mind to it. 1 Stab? dost thou think I dare not? [In his own person.] Nay, I beseech you Gentlemen, what means this; nay look, for shame respect your Reputations.  overturns Wine, Pot, Cups, and all. Enter Macilente. Mac. 
Why how now Carlo; what humour's this?  Carl. 
O my good Mischief, art thou come? where are the rest? where are the rest?  Mac. 
Faith three of our Ordinance are burst.  Carl. 
Burst? how comes that?  Mac. 
Faith overcharged, overcharged.  Carl. 
But did not the train hold?  Mac. 
O yes, and the poor Lady is irrecoverably blown up.  Carl. 
Why, but which of the Munition is miscarried? ha?  Maci. 
Imprimis, Sir Puntarvolo: next, the Countenance, and Resolution.  Carl. 
How? how for thes love of God?  Mac. 
Troth the Resolution is proved Recreant; the Countenance hath changed his Copy; and the Passionate Knight, is shedding Funeral tears over his departed Dog.  Carl. 
What's his Dog dead?  Mac. 
Poisoned 'tis thought: mary how, or by whom, that's left for some Cunning woman here o' the Bankside to resolve: For my part, I know nothing, more than that we are like to have an exceeding Melancholy Supper of it.  Carl. 
S'life, and I had purposed to be extraordinarily merry: I had drunk off a good preparative of old Sack here: but will they come, will they come?  Mac. 
They will assuredly come: marry Carlo (as thou lov'st me) run over 'em all freely tonight, and especially the Knight; spare no Sulphurous jest that may come out of that sweaty Forge of thine, but ply 'em with all manner of Shot, Minion, Saker, culverin, or any thing what thou wilt.  Car. 
I warrant thee my dear Case of petronels, so I stand not in dread of thee, but that thou'lt second me.  Maci. 
Why my good German Tapster, I will.  Car. 
What George. Lomtero, Lomtero, etc.  danceth. Georg. 
Did you call, Master Carlo?  Carl. 
More Nectar, George: Lomtero, etc.  Geor. 
Your meat's ready sir and your company were come.  Carl. 
Is the Loin a Pork enough?  Georg. 
I Sir, it is enough?  Maci. 
Pork? S'heart what dost thou with such a greasy Dish; I think thou dost Varnish thy face with the fat on't, it looks so like a gluepot.  Carl. 
True, my Raw-boned Rogue: and if thou wouldst farce thy lean Ribs with it too, they would not (like ragged Lathes) rub out so many Doublets as they do: but thou know'st not a good Dish, thou. O, it's the only nourishing meat in the world: No marvel though that saucy stubborn Generation the Jews, were forbidden it: for what would they ha' done, well pampered with fat Pork, that durst murmur at their maker out of Garlic and Onions. 'sblood fed with it, the horion strummell patched, Goggle-eyed Grumble doryes, would ha' Gigantomachized. Well said my sweet George, fill, fill.  GREX. Mit. 
This savours too much of Profanation.  Cor. 
O servetur ad imum, qualis ab incepto processerit, & sibo constet. The necessity of his vain compels a toleration: for, bar this, and dash him out of Humour before his time.  Carl. 
'Tis an Axiom in Natural Philosophy, What comes nearest the Nature of that it feeds, converts quicker to nourishment, and doth sooner essentiate. Now nothing in Flesh and Entrails, assimulates or resembles Man more, than a Hog or Swine.  (Drinks.) Mac. 
True; and he (to requite their courtesy) oftentimes doffeth off his own Nature, and puts on theirs; as when he becomes as churlish as a Hog, or as drunk as a Sow: but to your conclusion.  (Drinks.) Carl. 
Marry I say, nothing resembling Man more than a Swine, it follows, nothing can be more nourishing: for indeed (but that it abhors from our nice Nature) if we fed one upon another, we should shoot up a great deal faster, & thrive much better: I refer me to your Long-lane Cannibals, or such like: but since 'tis so contrary; Pork, Pork; is your only feed.  Maci. 
I take it your Devil be of the same Diet; he would ne'er ha' desired to been incorporated into Swine else. O here comes the Melancholy mess: upon 'em Carlo, charge, charge.  Enter Puntarvolo, Fastidius, Sogliardo, Fungoso. Carl. 
'Fore God sir Puntarvolo, I am sorry for your heaviness; Body a me, a shrewd mischance: why had you no Unicorn horn, nor Bezars stone about you? ha?  Punt. 
Sir, I would request you be silent.  Maci. 
Nay, to him again.  Carl. 
Take comfort good Knight, if your Cat ha' recovered her Cataract, fear nothing; your dogs mischance may be holpen.  Fast. 
Say how (sweet Carlo) for so God mend me, the poor Knights moans draw me into fellowship of his misfortunes. But be not discouraged good sir Puntarvolo, I am content your adventure shall be performed upon your Cat.  Maci. 
I believe you Musk-cod, I believe you, for rather than thou wouldst make present repayment, thou wouldst take it upon his own bare return from Callice.  Carl. 
Nay God's life, he'd be content (so he were well rid out of his company) to pay him five for one at his next meeting him in Paul's. But for your Dog, sir Puntar, if he be not outright dead, there is a friend of mine a Quacksalver, shall put life in him again, that's certain.  Fung. 
O no, that comes too late.  Maci. 
God's precious Knight, will you suffer this?  Punt. 
Drawer; get me a Candle and hard wax presently.  Sog. 
ay, and bring up Supper; for I am so Melancholy.  Car. 
Ah signor, where's your Resolution?  Sog. 
Resolution! hang him Rascal: O Carlo, if you love me do not mention him.  Carl. 
Why, how so? how so?  Sog. 
O the arrantest Crocodile that ever Christian was acquainted with. By jesu, I shall think the worse of Tobacco while I live for his sake: I did think him to be as tall a man—  Maci. 
Nay Buffone, the Knight, the Knight.  Car. 
'sblood, he looks like an Image carved out of Box, full of knots: his Face is (for all the world) like a Dutch purse with the mouth downward; his beard's the Tassells: and he walks (let me see) as Melancholy as one o'the Master's side in the Counter. Do you hear sir Puntar?  Punt. 
Sir, I do entreat you no more, but enjoin you to silence, as you affect your peace.  Car. 
Nay but dear Knight understand (here are none but friends, & such as wish you well) I would ha' you do this now; Flame your Dog presently (but in any case keep the head) & stuff his skin well with straw, as you see these dead monsters at Bartholmew fair.  Punt. 
I shall be sudden I tell you.  Car. 
Or if you like not that sir, get me somewhat a less dog and clap into the skin; here 's a slave about the town here, a jew, one Yohan; or a fellow that makes Periwigs will glue it on artificially, it shall ne'er be discerned; beside, 'twill be so much the warmer for the Hound to travel in you know.  Maci. 
Sir Puntarvolo, 'Sdeath can you be so patient?  Carl. 
Or thus Sir: you may have (as you come through germany) a Familiar for little or nothing shall turn itself into the shape of your Dog, or any thing (what you will) for certain hours: Gods my life knight, what do you mean? you'll offer no violence, will you? Hold, hold.  Punt. 
'sblood you slave, you Bandog you.  Carlo. 
As you love God, stay the enraged knight, Gentlemen.  Punt. 
By my knighthood, he that stirs in his rescue, dies. Drawer be gone.  Carl. 
Murder, murder, murder.  Punt. 
ay, are you howling, you Wolf? Gentlemen, as you tender your lives, suffer no man to enter, till my revenge be perfect. Sirrah Buffone, lie down; make no exclamations, but down; down you Cur, or I will make thy blood flow on my Rapier hilts:  Carl. 
Sweet knight hold in thy fury, and 'fore God I'll honour thee more than the Turk does Mahomet.  Pun. 
Down (I say.) whose's there?  Const. 
Here's the Constable, open the doors.  Within. Carl. 
Good Macilente.  Punt. 
Open no door, if the Adalantado of Spain were here, he should not enter: On, help me with the light, Gentlemen: you knock in vain sir officer.  Carl. 
Et tu Brute.  Punt. 
Sirrah close your lips, or I will drop it in thine eyes by heaven.  Carl. 
O, O.  They seal up his lips. Const. 
Open the door, or I will break it open.  Maci. 
Nay good Constable have patience a little, you shall come in presently, we have almost done.  Punt. 
So; now, are you out of your humour sir. Shift Gentlemen.  They all draw & Exeunt. Enter Constable with Officers, and stay brisk. Const. 
Lay hold upon this gallant, and pursue the rest.  Fast. 
Lay hold on me sir! for what?  Const. 
Mary for your riot here sir, with the rest of your companions.  Fast. 
My riot! God's my judge, take heed what you do; Carlo did I offer any violence?  Const. 
O sir, you see he is not in case to answer you, & that makes you so peremptory.  Fast. 
Peremptory, Shife I appeal to the Drawers, if I did him any hard measure.  Enter George. Georg. 
They are all gone, there's none of them will be laid any hold on.  Const. 
Well sir, you are like to answer till the rest can be found out.  Fast. 
'sblood I appeal to George here.  Const. 
Tut George was not here: away with him to the Counter sirs. Come sir you were best get yourself dressed somewhere.  Exeunt. Manent two Drawers. Geor. 
Good Lord that master Carlo could not take heed, and knowing what a Gentleman the knight is if he be angry.  Drawer. 
A pox on 'em, they have left all the meat on our hands, would they were choked with it for me.  Enter Macilente. Mac. 
What are they gone sirs.  Georg. 
O here's master Macilente.  Mac. 
Sirrah George doyou see that concealment there? that Napkin under the Table?  Geor. 
God's so', signor Fungoso!  Maci. 
he's a good pawn for the reckoning; be sure you keep him here, and let him not go away till I come again, though he offer to discharge all; I'll return presently.  Geor. 
Sirrah, we have a pawn for the Reckoning.  Draw. 
What? of Macilente?  Geor. 
No; look under the Table.  Fung. 
I hope all be quiet now; if I can get but forth of this street, I care not. Masters, I pray you tell me, is the Constable gone?  Looks out under the Table. Georg. 
What? Master Fungoso?  Fun. 
Was't not a good devise the same of me Sirs?  Geor. 
Yes faith; ha' you been here all this while?  Fun. 
O God I: good sirs look and the coast be clear, I'd fain be going.  Geor. 
All's clear Sir, but the Reckoning; and that you must clear and pay before you go, I assure you.  Fung. 
I pay? 'Slight, I eat not a bit since I came into the house yet.  Draw. 
Why you may when you please sir, 'tis all ready below that was bespoken.  Fung. 
Bespoken? not by me, I hope?  Geor. 
By you Sir? I know not that: but 'twas for you and your company, I am sure.  Fun. 
My company? 'Slid I was an invited guest, so I was.  Draw. 
Faith we have nothing to do with that Sir, they're all gone but you, and we must be answered; that's the short and the long on't.  Fung. 
Nay, if you will grow to extremities, my Masters, then would this Pot, Cup, and all were in my belly, if I have a cross about me.  Geor. 
What, and have such Apparel? Do not say so, signor, that mightily discredits your clothes.  Fung. 
By jesu the Tailor had all my money this morning, and yet I must be feign to alter my Suit too: good sirs, let me go, 'tis Friday night; and in good truth I have no stomach in the world to eat any thing.  Draw. 
That's no matter so you pay sir.  Fung. 
Pay? God's light, with what conscience can you ask me to pay that I never drank for?  Geor. 
Yes sir, I did see you drink once.  Fung. 
By this Cup (which is silver) but you did not, you do me infinite wrong, I looked in the pot once indeed, but I did not drink.  Draw. 
Well sir, if you can satisfy my Master, it shall be all one to us. By and by.  One calls George within. Exeunt. GREX. Cord. 
Lose not yourself now signor.  Enter Macilente and Deliro. Maci. 
Tut sir, you did bear too hard a conceit of me in that, but I will now make my love to you most transparent, in spite of any dust of suspicion, that may be raised to dim it: and henceforth since I see it is so against your Humour, I will never labour to persuade you.  Deli. 
Why I thank you signor, but what's that you tell me may concern my peace so much?  Mac. 
Faith sir 'tis thus. Your wives brother signor Fungoso, being at supper tonight at a Tavern with a sort of Gallants: there happened some division amongst'em, and he is left in pawn for the Reckoning: now if ever you look that time shall present you with a happy occasion to do your wife some gracious and acceptable service, take hold of this Opportunity, and presently go and redeem him; for being her brother, and his credit so amply engaged as now it is, when she shall hear (as he cannot himself, but he must out of extremity report it) that you came and offered yourself so kindly, and with that respect of his Reputation, 'slud the benefit cannot but make her dote, and grow mad of your affections.  Deli. 
Now by heaven Macilente, I acknowledge myself exceedingly indebted to you, by this kind tender of your love; and I am sorry to remember that I was ever so rude to neglect a friend of your worth, bring me shoes and a cloak there, I was going to bed if you had not come, what Tavern is it?  Maci. 
The Mitre sir.  Deli. 
O; why Fido, my shoes. Good faith it cannot but please her exceedingly.  Enter Fallace. Fall. 
Come, I mar'le what piece of nightwork you have in hand now, that you call for your cloak and your shoes: what, is this your Pander?  Deli. 
O sweet wife speak lower, I would not he should hear thee for a world—  Fall. 
Hang him rascal, I cannot abide him for his treachery, with his wild quickset beard there. Whether go you now with him?  Deli. 
No whether with him dear wife, I go alone to a place, from whence I will return instantly. Good Macilente acquaint not her with it by any means, it may come so much the more accepted, frame some other answer, I'll come back immediately.  Exit Deliro. Fall. 
Nay, and I be not worthy to know whether you go, stay till I take knowledge of your coming back.  Mac. 
Hear you mistress Deliro.  Fall. 
So Sir, and what say you?  Mac. 
Faith Lady, my intents will not deserve this slight respect, when you shall know 'em.  Fall. 
Your intents? why, what may your intents be for God's sake?  Mac. 
Troth the time allows no circumstance Lady, therefore know, this was but a devise to remove your Husband hence, & bestow him securely, whilst (with more conveniency) I might report to you a misfortune that hath happened to monsieur brisk; nay comfort sweet Lady. This night (being at supper) a sort of young Gallants committed a Riot, for the which he (only) is apprehended and carried to the Counter, where if your Husband and other Creditors should but have knowledge of him, the poor Gentleman were undone for ever.  Fall. 
ay me, that he were.  Maci. 
Now therefore, if you can think upon any present means for his delivery, do not foreslow it. A bribe to the officer that committed him, will do it.  Fall. 
O God Sir, he shall not want for a bribe: pray you, will you commend me to him, and say I'll visit him presently.  Mac. 
No Lady, I shall do you better service in protracting your husband's return, that you may go with more safety?  Exit. Fall. 
Good truth so you may; farewell good Sir. Lord how a woman may be mistaken in a man? I would have sworn upon all the Testaments in the world he had not loved master brisk. Bring me my keys there maid: Alas good Gentleman, if all I have i' this earthly world will pleasure him, it shall be at his service.  Exit. GREX. Mitis. 
How Macilente sweats i' this business, if you mark him?  Cord. 
ay, you shall see the true picture of Spite anon, here comes the Pawn and his Redeemer.  Enter Deliro, Fungoso, Drawer following them. Deli. 
Come Brother, be not discouraged for this man, what?  Drawer. 
No truly, I am not discouraged, but I protest to you Brother I have done imitating any more Gallants either in purse or apparel, but as shall become a Gentleman for good carriage or so.  Deli. 
You say well. This is all i' the bill here? is't not?  Georg. 
I Sir.  Deli. 
There's your money, tell it: and Brother, I am glad I met with so good occasion to show my love to you.  Fung. 
I will study to deserve it in good truth, and I live.  Deli. 
What is't right?  Geor. 
I Sir, and I thank you.  Fung. 
Let me have a capon's leg saved, now the reckoning is paid.  Geor. 
You shall Sir:  Exit. Enter Macilente. Mac. 
Where's signor Deliro?  Deli. 
Here Macilente.  Maci. 
Hark you sir, ha' you dispatched this same?  Deli. 
I marry have I.  Maci. 
Well then, I can tell you news, brisk is i' the Counter.  Deli. 
I' the Counter?  Mac. 
'Tis true Sir, committed for the stir here tonight. Now would I have you send your brother home afore, with the report of this your kindness done him to his sister, which will so pleasingly possess her, and out of his mouth too, that i' the mean time you may clap your Action on brisk, and your wife (being in so happy a mood) cannot entertain it ill by any means.  Deli. 
'Tis very true, she cannot indeed, I think.  Mac. 
Think? why 'tis past thought, you shall never meet the like opportunity, I assure you.  Deli. 
I will do it. Brother pray you go home afore, this Gent. and I have some private business; and tell my sweet wife, I'll come presently.  Fung. 
I will Brother.  Maci. 
And signor, acquaint your sister, how liberally and out of his bounty, you brother has used you. (Do you see?) made you a man of good Reckoning; redeemed that you never were possessed of, Credit; gave you as Gentlemanlike terms as might be; found no fault with your coming behind the fashion; nor nothing.  Fung. 
Nay I am out of those Humours now.  Maci. 
Well, if you be out, keep your distance, and be not made a Shot-clog no more. Come signor, let's make haste.  Exeunt. Enter brisk and Fallace. Fallace. 
O master Fastidius, what pity is't to see so sweet a man as you are, in so sour a place?  and kisses him. GREX. Cord. 
As upon her lips does she mean?  Mit. 
O, this is to be imagined the Counter belike?  Fast. 
Troth fair Lady, 'tis first the pleasure of the Fates, and next of the Constable to have it so, but, I am patient, and indeed comforted the more in your kind visitation.  Fall. 
Nay, you shall be comforted in me more than this, if you please Sir. I sent you word by my Brother Sir, that my husband laid to rest you this morning, I know not whether you received it, or no?  Fast. 
No believe it, sweet Creature, your Brother gave me no such intelligence.  Fall. 
O the Lord!  Fast. 
But has your husband any such purpose?  Fall. 
O God Master Brisk, yes: and therefore be presently discharged; for if he come with his Actions upon you (Lord deliver you) you are in for one half a score year; he kept a poor man in Ludgate once, twelve year for sixteen shillings. Where's your keeper, for God's love call him, let him take a bribe, and dispatch you, Lord how my heart trembles! here are no spies? are there?  Fast. 
No sweet mistress, why are you in this passion?  Fall. 
O Christ Master Fastidius, if you knew how I took up my husband today, when he said he would arrest you; and how I railed at him that persuaded him to't, the Scholar there, (who on my conscience loves you now) & what care I took to send you intelligence by my Brother; and how I gave him four Sovereigns for his pains; and now, how I came running out hither without man or boy with me, so soon as I heard on't; you'd say, I were in a Passion indeed: your keeper for God's sake. O Master brisk (as 'tis in Euphues) Hard is the choice, when one is compelled either by silence to die with grief, or by speaking to live with shame.  Fast. 
Fair Lady I conceive you, and may this kiss assure you, that where Adversity hath (as it were) contracted, Prosperity shall not— God's light your Husband.  Fall. 
O me!  Enter Deliro, Macilente. Deli. 
I? is't thus!  Maci. 
Why how now signor Deliro? has the Wolf seen you? ha? hath Gorgon's head made marble on you?  Deli. 
Some Planet strike me dead.  Maci. 
Why look you Sir, I told you, you might have suspected this long afore, had you pleased; and ha' saved this labour of Admiration now, and Passion, and such extremities as this frail lump of Flesh is subject unto. Nay, why do you not dote now signor? methinks you should say it were some Enchantment, Deceptio visus, or so, ha? if you could persuade yourself it were a dream now, 'twere excellent: faith try what you can do signor; it may be your Imagination will be brought to it in time, there's nothing impossible.  Fall. 
Sweet Husband?  Deli. 
Out lascivious Strumpet.  Exit Deliro. Maci. 
What? did you see how ill that stale vain became him afore, of Sweet Wife, and Dear heart? and are you fallen just into the same now? with Sweet Husband. Away, follow him, go, keep state, what? Remember you are a woman: turn impudent: gi' him not the head, though you gi' him the horns, Away. Exit Fallace .And yet methinks you should take your leave of Infans-perdus here, your forlorn hope. How now monsieur Brisk: what? Friday at night? and in affliction too? and yet your Pulpamenta? your delicate Morsels: I perceive the affection of Ladies and Gentlewomen, pursues you wheresoever you go monsieur.  Fast. 
Now in good faith (and as I am Gentle) there could not have come a thing i' this world to have distracted me more than the wrinkled fortunes of this poor Dame.  Maci. 
O yes Sir: I can tell you a thing will distract you much better, believe it. signor Deliro has entered three Actions against you, three Actions monsieur: mary one of them (I'll put you in comfort) is but three thousand mark, and the other two some five thousand pound together, trifles, trifles.  Fast. 
O God, I am undone.  Maci. 
Nay not altogether so Sir, the Knight must have his hundred pound repaid, that'll help too, and then sixscore pound for a Diamond: you know where? these be things will weigh monsieur; they will weigh.  Fast. 
O jesu!  Maci. 
What do you sigh? this it is to kiss the hand of a Countess, to have her Coach sent for you, to hang poniards in ladies' garters, to wear Bracelets of their hair, and for every one of these great favours to give some slight jewel of five hundred crowns, or so, why 'tis nothing. Now monsieur, you see the plague that treads o'the heels of your foppery, well, go your ways in; Remove yourself to the twopenny ward quickly to save charges, and there set up your rest to spend Sir Puntar's hundred pound for him. Away good Pomander, go.  Exit brisk. 
Why here's a change: Now is my soul at peace,  
I am as empty of all Envy now,  
As they of Merit to be envied at,  
My Humour (like a flame) no longer lasts  
Than it hath stuff to feed it, and their virtue,  
Being now raked up in embers of their Folly,  
Affords no ampler Subject to my Spirit;  
I am so far from malicing their states,  
That I begin to pity 'em: it grieves me  
To think they have a being; I could wish  
They might turn wise upon it, and be saved now,  
So Heaven were pleased: but let them vanish Vapours.  
And now with asper's tongue (though not his shape)  
Kind Patrons of our sports (you that can judge,  
And with discerning thoughts measure the pace  
Of our strange Muse in this her Maze of Humour,  
You, whose true Notions do confine the former  
And nature of sweet Poesy) to you  
I tender solemn and most duteous thanks,  
For your stretched patience and attentive grace.  
We know (and we are pleased to know so much)  
The Cates that you have tasted were not seasoned  
For every vulgar palate, but prepared  
To banquet pure and apprehensive ears:  
Let then their Voices speak for our desert;  
Be their Applause the Trumpet to proclaim  
Defiance to rebelling Ignorance,  
And the green spirits of some tainted Few,  
That (spite of pity) betray themselves  
To Scorn and Laughter; and like guilty Children,  
Publish their infancy before their time,  
By their own fond exception: Such as these  
We pawn 'em to your censure, till Time, Wit,  
Or Observation, set some stronger seal  
Of judgement on their judgements; and entreat  
The happier spirits in this fair-filled Globe,  
(So many as have sweet minds in their breasts,  
And are too wife to think themselves are taxed  
In any general Figure, or too virtuous  
To need that wisdoms imputation:)  
That with their bounteous Hands they would confirm  
This, as their pleasure's Patent: which so signed,  
Our lean and spent Endeavours shall renew  
Their Beauties with the Spring to smile on you.  
FINIS.     

IT had another Catastrophe or Conclusion, at the first Playing: which( {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman}) many seemed not to relish it; and therefore 'twas since altered: yet that a right-eyed and solid Reader may perceive it was not so great a part of the Heaven awry, as they would make it; we request him but to look down upon these following Reasons.  
1 There hath been precedent of the like Presentation in divers Plays: and is yearly in our City Pageants or shows of Triumph.  
2 It is to be conceived, that Macilente being so strongly possessed with Envy, (as the Poet here makes him) it must be no sleight or common Object, that should effect so sudden and strange a cure upon him, as the putting him clean Out of his Humour.  
3 If his Imagination had discoursed the whole world over for an Object, it could not have met with a more Proper, Eminent, or worthy Figure, than that of her Majesties: which his Election (though boldly, yet respectively) used to a Moral and Mysterious end.  
4 His greediness to catch at any Occasion, that might express his affection to his Sovereign, may worthily plead for him.  
5 There was nothing (in his examined Opinion) that could more near or truly exemplify the power and strength of her Invaluable Virtues, than the working of so perfect a Miracle on so opposed a Spirit, who not only persisted in his Humour, but was now come to the Court with a purposed resolution (his Soul as it were new dressed in Envy) to malign at any thing that should front him; when suddenly (against expectation, and all steel of his Malice) the very wonder of her Presence strikes him to the earth dumb, and astonished. From whence rising and recovering heart, his Passion thus utters itself.  Maci. 
Blessed, Divine, Unblemished, Sacred, Pure,  
Glorious, Immortal, and indeed Immense;  
O that I had a world of Attributes,  
To lend or add to this high Majesty:  
Never till now did Object greet mine eyes  
With any light Content: but in her Graces  
All my malicious Powers have lost their stings:  
Envy is fled my Soul at sight of her,  
And she hath chased all black thoughts from my bosom,  
Like as the Sun doth darkness from the world.  
My stream of Humour is run out of me:  
And as our cities Torrent (bent t'infect  
The hallowed bowels of the silver Thames)  
Is checked by strength and clearness of the River,  
Till it hath spent itself e'en at the shore;  
So in the ample and unmeasured Flood  
Of her Perfections, are my Passions drowned:  
And I have now a Spirit as sweet and clear,  
As the most rarefied and subtle Air;  
With which, and with a heart as pure as Fire,  
(Yet humble as the Earth) do I implore,  He Kneels. 
O Heaven: that She (whose Figure hath effected  
This change in me) may never suffer Change  
In her Admired and happy Government:  
May still this Island be called Fortunate,  
And Rugged Treason tremble at the sound  
When Fame shall speak it with an Emphasis.  
Let foreign Policy be dull as Lead,  
And pale Invasion come with half a heart  
When he but looks upon her blessed Soil:  
The Throat of War be stopped within her Land,  
And Turtle-footed Peace dance fairy Rings  
About her Court; where never may there come  
Suspect or Danger, but all Trust and Safety:  
Let Flattery be dumb, and Envy blind  
In her dread Presence: Death himself admire her:  
And may her Virtues make him to forget  
The use of his inevitable hand.  
Fly from her Age; Sleep Time before her Throne,  
Our strongest wall falls down when she is gone.  Here the Trumpets sound a flourish, in which time Macilente converts himself to them that supply the place of GREX, and speaks. GREX. Maci. 
How now Sirs? how like you it? hast not bentedious?  Cor. 
Nay, we ha' done censuring, now.  Mit. 
Yes faith.  Maci. 
How so?  Cor. 
Mary because we'll imitate your Actors, and be out of our Humours. Besides, here are those (round about you) of more ability in Censure than we, whose judgements can give it a more satisfying Allowance: we'll refer you to them.  Mac. 
I? is't e'en so? Well, Gentlemen, I should have gone in, and returned to you as I was Asper at the first: but (by reason the Shift would have been somewhat long, and we are loath to draw your Patience any farther) we'll entreat you to imagine it. And now (that you may see I will be out of Humour for company) I stand wholly to your kind Approbation, and (indeed) am nothing so peremptory as I was in the beginning: Mary I will not do as Plautus in his Amphitryo for all this (Summi iovis causa, Plaudite:) beg a Plaudite for God's sake; but if you (out of the Bounty of your good liking) will bestow it; why, you may (in time) make lean Macilente as fat as Sir john Falstaff.  Exeunt. Non ego ventosoe plebis suffragia venor.