Grattae Ludentes. jests, FROM THE university.  
By H. L. Oxen.  Mart. Dic mihi quid melius de sidiosus Agas. 
Printed at London by Tho. coats, for Humphrey Mosley. 1638.   

To the Reader.  
COurteous Reader, J have after so many pamphlets in this kind adventured this also into your hands; hoping that it will find as courteous acceptance from you as the rest. if J love not my young Ape too well, J think the value of it as great as any of the same species that went before it: which if you like as J do, embrace it. If not laugh at it, and so too I shall not miss my end I have restrained myself from all jests in earnest on any mans person which if any( unwitting to me) shall apply to himself, let him conceal himself as I do, and he shal be the less laughed at. A also from all scurrilous and obscene Jests which would oppose good manners or civill urbanity Which if any expect let him desist from reading this, where J hope is nothing without the bounds of lawful mirth. read on, judge, and say you the rest.  
Farewell.   

The Table.  

ON a scholar. page.. 1  
Of some that went to steal Conies. 2  
Of Scotus. 4  
On a Curate, 5  
On a Bishop bearing arms. 6  
Of an heretic. 8  
Of an Alderman. 9  
On unlacing a rabbit. 10  
On an Oxford townsman. 12  
Of a Country Curate. 14  
On a welshman in Oxford. 15  
Of a scholar being troubled with a tired horse. 16  
Of an old hen. 17  
Of a scholar and a Townesmans wife. 18  
On the falling of a Meteor. 20  
Of a blind man. ibid.  
Of a Boy like Augustus. 21  
On a Player coughing. 22  
Of a welsh Minister. 23  
On a great mess of Broth. 25  
Of a great Eater. 26  
Of a Cavilleire. 27  
One being to take a journey. ibid.  
Of one that married a crooked woman. 28  
A cuckolded. 29  
A division of a Text. 30  
Of a Mayor. 31  
Of one who had long hair. 33  
Of Diogenes. 34  
Mistakes in reading. 35  
Another. 36  
Another. 37  
Another. ibid  
Another. 39  
The division of a Text. ib.  
Another. 40  
Another. 41  
Of unequal legs. 43  
Of a scholar. ibid  
Of two being at bowls. 45  
Of the death of Iulius Caesar. 46  
A translation of a Disticke. 47  
A Construction. 48  
Another. 49  
Of a piece pawned. 50  
An ignorant Papist. 52  
Of a Neates tongue let fall. 53  
Of a Skull. 54  
Of a tailor. 55  
Of a dry Preacher. ibid  
Of a clown. 56  
Of a clear night. 57  
Of a scholar. ibid.  
Of a welshman. 58  
Of a scholar that had soare legs. 59  
Of a young scholar. 60  
Of two Schollers requiting each others kindness. ibi.  
Witty answers. 63  
A witty answer. 65  
Of Piscator. 66  
Of one being distressed in his bed. 67  
Of a foolish wish. 68  
A foolish Resolve. 69  
On a scholar whose cup was overfull 70  
Of a scholar to be presented bachelor. 71  
Of a Duns made M. of Arts 72  
On an order in Magdalene college in Oxford. 73  
Of a young scholar. 75  
Of a Minister. ibid.  
Of one Taxed for false latin. 76  
Of a young man and a Doctor 77  
Of a fellow of an house, and an under graduate. 78  
Of a Curate. 79  
Of a cook. 80  
Of one at a non plus. 81  
On a little study. ibid  
Of a sluggard. 82  
On a house of office. 83  
One that were but one Spur. 84  
On a Bull. ibid.  
Of a scholar slighted. 87  
Of an ignorant Priest. 87  
Of a foolish scholar. 88  
Of a scholar. 90  
On Platoes year. 91  
Of a young scholar. 93  
Of a Tutor. 94  
On a Country man. 95  
On certain Schollers. 96  
A Disputation. 97  
On a Grove. 98  
Of a quarrel between two Schollers. 99  
A relation of news. 100  
A mistake in reading. 102  
At Woodstocke by Schollers. ibid.  
On a French Priest. 104  
On a mere scholar. ibid.  
An epigram on this saying. 105  
On a pair of foul bootes.  
On a scholar. ibid.  
On a Country man. 108  
Of a Gentleman. 109  
Another of the same. 110  
Of a scholar. 111  
An Oxford townsman. 112  
On one that had lost at cards 113  
A bitter Ieaster. 114  
On a Mercer. 115  
On an Englishman and a Frenchman. 117  
On a jealous man. 118  
Of a poor soldier. 119  
A silly young Gentlewoman. 120  
On an old Lady. 122  
Of a tiler. 124  
Another. 125  
A Country man. 126  
On a boy serving in a pigs head. 127  
Of an old man and a judge. 128  
On a Gentlewoman and her Servant. 130  
Of a Gentlewoman betraying herself. 131  
A Gentleman and his Wife. 132  
Of a welsh Barber. 133  
Of a young Barber. 135  
Of two friars. 136  
How many sorts of Cuckolds 137  
Of a pair of stocks. 139  
On one that would borrow money. ibid.  
Of one wanting beer. 140  
Of a welshman. 141  
Of a Lobster being shot. 142  
A mistake in a mans name. 144  
Of a strumpet being with child. 145  
Of a soldier whose stones were cut out. 146  
Of a welshman. ibid  
Of granting suits. 147  
Of a welshman being to bee hanged. 148  
Of a Spanish cheater. 150  
Of a prisoner. 151  
Of a name on a cap. 152  
Of a stinking breath. 153  
Of a Gentlewomans legs. 154  
On a dog. 155  
Of a jug whose hander was broken. 156  
On a light wench. 157  
One complaining for want of sleep. 158  
Of a Miser gathering wool. 159  
On one that was accused for stealing a Bull. 160  
On a welshman. 161  
Of a thief. 162  
On an old woman. ibid.  
Of the Sea between England and Holland. 163  
Of one that spake big. 164  
A womans desire. 165  
Of a thin piece of cheese. ibid.  
On a tattling Wench. 166  
On a fat man. 167  
Of a clown. ibid.  
Of one oretaking another on the way. 168  
On Blacke-berries. 169  
Of alarge-beard. 170  
Of long mustachoes. 171  
A proverb. 172  
Of one that went a soldier. 173  
Of a foolish Frenchman. 174  
On a Tertian Ague. 175  
Of a young suitor. 176  
A Wenches honesty. ibid.  
A sweet tooth. 177  
Two Scolds. 178  
Ona Miller. 179  
Of a Player. 180  
Of one being in a tempest. 181  
On a read head. 182  
Of a Bavarian. 183  
Of a Traveller. 184  
On a Wilde-ducke. 185  
On a private marriage. 186  
On the roman Iulia. 187  
On Populia. 188  
Two travailing. 189  
A ridiculous speech. 190  
On a tired horse. 191  
On a Phoenix. ibid.  
On one in the stocks. 192  
An epigram on a drunken Smith. 193  
On a close stool. 194  
On foul tablecloths. ibid.  
An Epitaph on a cobbler. 195  
Ambiguous speeches. 196  
On a jealous man. 197  
On a cuckolded. 198  
On a stout fellow. 199  
Of a Gentleman. 200  
Of a tailor. 201  
Of a Glutton. 202  
Another. 203  
Another. 204  
A Witty inscription. ibid.  
Of a read nose. 205  
Another 206  
Another. ibid.  
On a Tinker. 207  
On a beggar. 208  
On a Baker. 210  
Of an old man marrying a young woman. 213    

Gratiae Ludentes. OR, jests from the university.  

On a scholar.  
A scholar that chanced in the night time to bee locked out of their college gates, wherefore he knocked and a friend of his that heard it, came to the gates, of whom he desired that he would go to the head of the house to get the keys he being within side answered him that he were best to go himself for he feared he should nor prevail.   

Of some that went to steal Conies.  
A Company of wild Schollers in the university, went forth on a time to steal conies, and warned a novice or freshman that was among them, that he should make no noise for fear of scaring them away, so having separated themselves, at last it was his fortune to spy a stocks, wherefore he cried aloud to his companions, Ecce cuniculi multi,( in English, lo where are many conies)& straightway the conies all ran to their berries, for which his fellowes chiding him, he said why, who( a devil) would have thought that conies could understand latin.   

Of Scotus.  
A certain Noble man sitting at table, opposite to Scotus, amongst other discourse merrily asked him, what was the difference between Sot and Scot, he answered him, nothing but the table Sir.   

On a Curate.  
A Country Curate coming to Oxford to take his degree of Mr. of Arts, was asked by the head of the house whereof he was a small member, how he durst being so green, to enter himself into the Ministry? the Curate answered him; because the Lord hath need of me, the other replied, I never heard the Lord had need of any thing but an ass.   

On a Bishop bearing arms.  
A Bishop that had born arms against a King, was by him taken and kept prisoner: whereupon the Pope writ to the King, that he had much violated the privilege of the holy Church, in taking one of his sons captive, and keeping him as a prisoner. The King having received his letters, sent back to him the armor wherein the bishop was taken, with these words; Vide num haec sit vestis filii tui: see( I pray) if this be the habit of one of your sons?   

Of an heretic.  
A certain heretic whose books were( for the wrong tenants in them) condemned to the fire, he himself being at the pile, a spectator made use of that verse of Ovid,  
Parve, nec invideo, sine me liber ibis in ignem.  
One who was standing by and heard him, made reply with the next verse, Hei mihi quod Domino, non licet ire tuo.   

Of an Alderman.  
A Discreet Alderman of Oxford,  told some of his brethren that they should overthrow the university in a law case( which was then in agitation) if by searching the ancient records they could prove Henry the second to have been before Henry the first.   

On unlacing a rabbit.  
A plain, but an understanding scholar, being at table with certain Ladies, they conculded privately to make some sport with him, wherefore one of them sent him a rabbit, desiring him to unlace it, he scarce knowing the term, less how to perform her desire, took out of the rabbit the kidneies, and putting them on a trencher sent them to her, desiring her to pardon him, for though he had not unlac't it, yet he had unbutton'd it for her ladyship.   

On an Oxford townsman.  
A townsman of Oxford being in company with Schollers, and hearing them discourse, would needs intermingle with them, and  told them that though they were Schollers, yet could he tell as well as any of them, what was latin for any part in a mans body, yea, says one of them, prithee what is latin for a Townesmans head? a head, saith he, and withall producing his almanac, looked on the Anatomy and answered, why, Aries head and face, at which the company laughing, he swore that if it were not Aries it was Taurus.   

Of a Country Curate.  
A Silly Country Curate came to London in the time of the sickness, and seeing Lord have mercy upon us, written on the door of an infected house, mary quoth he, it is a very goodly sentence, and great pitty it is, but it should bee written on every house in London.   

On a welshman in Oxford.  
AT a stage play in Oxford, a Cornish man was brought forth to wrestle with four welshmen, one after the other, and when he had put them all to the worst, he called out a loud have you any more welshmen? which words a scholar of Iesus college, being himself of the british Nation took in great endagine, insomuch that he leaped upon the stage and threw the Player in earnest, and said have you any more, &c.   

Of a scholar being troubled with a tired horse.  
A scholar upon the way was tormemted with a tired horse, and not knowing otherwise how to make him go, held out on a stick a bottle of hay before his head, which the horse being greedy to overtake, put forward and so performed the journey.   

Of an old hen.  
A certain Alderman had heard a scholar at table say of an old goose,( as once Erasmus) that it was one of those that saved the Roman capitol, the jest being by the company applauded, the Alderman himself said it afterward of an old hen, that it was one that saved the capitol.   

Of a scholar and a Townesmans wife.  
A scholar coming to a Townesmans wife, inquiring of her very earnestly for her husband, telling her withall that he was surely fallen into the fire, she presently looking, and finding no such matter, demanded what should make him think so? why( quoth he) there is such a stink of horns before the door, that I would have sworn your husband had burnt bis head.   

On the falling of a Meteor.  
ONe seeing a Meteor fall down when an Astronomer was taking the height of a star with his Jacobs staff, cried out unto him, O well shot i'faith!   

Of a blind man.  
WHen julian the Apostate in a mock demanded of blind Ignatius, why he went not to Galilee to recover his eye-sight, he made him this answer, no, I am contented with my blindness, because I may not see such a tyrant as thou art.   

Of a Boy like Augustus.  
AUgustus Caesar, an Emperor of Rome, traveling through one of the Provinces; saw a boy very like to himself, wherefore in a scoff he asked him if his mother was never at Rome, the boy answered no, but my Father was.   

On a Player coughing.  
A Player being slain upon the stage, was troubled with a sudden cough, which he endeavouring to suppress was manifestly seen to shake and move, and at last did cough indeed. At which the Spectators laughing, one of his own Company standing by, said that he was wont to drink in his pottage.   

Of a welsh Minister.  
A welsh Minister being to Preach on a Sunday, certain merry companions had got him into a cellar, to drink his mornings draft, and in the mean while stolen his Notes out of his pocket. he nothing doubting went to the Church, into the pulpit, where having ended his prayer, he mist at last his Notes, wherefore he said: My good neighbors I have lost my Sermon, but I will read you a Chapter in Job shall be worth two of it.   

On a great mess of Broth.  
A certain merry Gentleman seeing a great mess of broth set on the Table with a little chop of Mutton in the midst of it, hastily unbuttoned his doublet, and being asked by the rest what was his meaning, why, quoth he, I mean to swim through this Sea of pottage, unto the Isle of Mutton.   

Of a great Eater.  
A Gormandizer being about to sit down at table, complained that he had lost his stomach. Well( quoth one that stood by) if a poor man hath found it, he is directly undone.   

Of a Cavilleire.  
A certain Cavalleire slighted a man in his company as being a scholar. Well Sir( answered he) God might have made you a scholar too if had pleased him.   

One being to take a journey.  
ONe being taking a journey into the Country was advised by a friend of his not to go that day for certainly( quoth he) it will rain, puh( replies the other) it is no matter for rain, so it hold up underfoot.   

Of one that married a crooked woman.  
A Gentleman had taken to wife a woman of good conditions, but crooked of body, which being by some objected unto him, he said that God had bowed her and sent her to him for a token.   

A cuckolded.  
AN Oxford Townsman speaking of his former wife, said thus? If a man first mary a whore and after her death an honest woman, am I a cuckolded then?   

A division of a Text.  
A scholar of the university of Oxford, being to Preach there in one of the Parish Churches, and owing much money unto men of the same Parish, choose this Text out of the gospel. Have patience, and I will pay you all.  
Which he divided into these parts.  
1. An Exhortation, have patience with me.  
2. A Promise, and I will pay you all.  
At this time of my Exhortation, And of the Promise, when God shall enable me.   

Of a Mayor.  
A mayor of a town wherein were many Tanners, had caused the ways to be repaired against the Kings coming thither, by casting good store of horns into the deep places amongst the stones. The King at his coming commended his care. Nay( an't please your Majesty) quoth he, my brethren and I did lay our heads together that wee might make good way for your Majesty, at which the King hearty laughed.   

Of one who had long hair.  
A scholar calling after one that had long hair; he not hearing him at the first or second call, asked him whether his ears were locked.   

Of Diogenes.  
ONe as king Diogenes the cynic what he would have to take a cuff on the ear, he answered him a helmet. The same man walking in the fields, and seeing a young man shooting very unskilfully, went and sate down very near the mark, some asking him why he did so, he answered least peradventure he should hit me that shoots.   

Mistakes in reading.  
ONe reading the history of Elisha, in the old Testament, and how the children mocked him, red, and there came three shee boars out of the forest and devoured them.   

Another.  
ANother reading part of an Epistle in the new Testament, red, for salute Epaphras the chosen of the Lord, salute Epaphras the cousin of the Lord. The same man reading of the uncovering the house in the gospel, to let down the diseased, red, and they let them down in Coaches, for Couches.   

Another.  
ANother reading in the psalms, he shall flourish like a green bay( three following) turned over two leaves, and red on, horse and mule, in which is no understanding.   

Another.  
ANother reading the Parable of the sour, having it as he thought by heart, and not much attending the book, but did half red it thus, and some seed fel amongst stones, and the stones grew up and choked it. The same at another time red, and the sheep eat up one of the mountaines, for, the sheep eat upon the mountaines.   

Another.  
ANother being to red that of Saint Paul, in the Acts, Hebraei sunt, sum& ego, red, ebrei sunt sum& ego, whereas he was drunk indeed.   

The division of a Text.  
A certain Country Minister divided his Text after this manner, my Text hath two parts, whereof like those two women grinding at the Mill, the one must bee chosen and the other left. Another thus, my Text like Iudas doth burst asunder, and naturally divides itself into these two parts.   

Another.  
ANother dividing this Text, seek, and you shall find, and willing to imitate the second division in logic distinguished of four sorts of seekers.  
1. Some seek and find not.  
2. Others find and seek not.  
3. Some both seek and find.  
4. Others neither seek nor find.   

Another.  
ANother taking this Text, of the feast in the gospel, how camest thou hither without thy wedding garment? and the man was speechless, divided it thus.  
1. A question, how camest thou hither without thy wedding garment?  
2. An answer, and the man was speechless.   

Of unequal legs.  
A chaplain in Oxford, having one leg bigger then the other, was  told by a scholar that his legs might well bee chaplains too, for they were never like to be fellowes.   

Of a scholar.  
A scholar had been walking in the fields, and coming home again said, this wind is the unconstantest thing that is in the earth, I walked out right half a mile even now, and it blew directly in my face; I was no sooner returned and it blew in my back. The same man coming into their college Kitchen, choose out of the skillet all the swimming eggs( which are most commonly the worst) for his own dinner, and being asked why he did so, because( quoth he) these should be Duck eggs by their swimming.   

Of two being at bowls.  
TWo being together at bowels, at last they wrangled with each other, in reckoning their games, one of them deeply swearing that it was thus, the other said, how horribly dost thou swear, it is the great mercy of God, that the bowling green doth not fall about thy ears.   

Of the death of Iulius Caesar.  
certain Schollers were discoursing of the death of Julius Caesar, and all concluded that he was slain with bodkins, one hearing it, demanded whether that were not Iulius Caesar, whose picture stands before the Almancke.   

A translation of a Disticke.  
PIstor erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum.  
Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum.  
Translated by the scholar that made them, after this manner.  
There was a Baker heretofore with labour and great pain:  
Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again.   

A Construction.  
A school Boy being to construe that in Terence, ventum erat ad vestae, rendered it in this manner, ventum the wind, erat was, vestae in the West, at which the schoolmaster laughing said, it was then time to hoist up sail, and withall untrust the boy and trimmed his pinnace.   

Another.  
A Young Deacon, being to bee made Minister, the Bishop in his examination put him to construe that verse of Seneca the tragedian; Curae leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent, he did it thus, Curae leves, little Curates, loquuntur, do Preach, Ingentes great Bishops, stupent do hold their peace.   

Of a piece pawned.  
A scholar having been in the fields a shooting, coming home went into an Alehouse, where wanting money for the present he left his piece to discharge the shot. The same man coming from Sermon went into a tavern where having ourdranke his purse he desired the Vintner to take his word, which because he refused, he threw him his Bible, and  told him if he would not take his word, he should take Gods Word for it.   

Anignorant Papist.  
A Iesuite administering the Sacrament to a sick Papist on a Friday, according to the order said, Take eat, this is Christs body, the sick man answered him, that it stood against his conscience to eat flesh on a friday, for he never used so to do.   

Of a Neates tongue let fall.  
A Servitor in Oxford, serving to the Table a Neates tongue, let it fall by the way, being chid by his M. for it, he said it was but Lapsus Linguae.  
Another by chance  shed a dish of broth on his Masters Table, he reprehending him said, sirra, I could have done so much myself, no marvel Sir( quoth he) now you have seen me do it before you.   

Of a Skull.  
AN Oxford Skull being asked how he got so much wit, being but a Skull, he answered where should the wit bee but in the skull.   

Of a tailor.  
A tailor of the same town having his legs well beaten at cudgels, the company laughing at him, he said, Gentlemen why laugh ye, they are not my legs I stand upon.   

Of a dry Preacher.  
A Gentleman being at Sermon, where a dull fellow preached almost all his Auditory out of the Church, said that he made a very moving Sermon.   

Of a clown.  
A Country fellow coming into the school of Medicine in Oxford, and seeing there the mans skin tanned, said that the skin would make good Bucks-leather gloves.   

Of a clear night.  
ONe walking abroad in a clear Mooneshining night, said it was as fine a night as any is in England. Another swore it was as fine a night as a man shall see in a summers day.   

Of a scholar.  
A scholar as he was blowing the fire in a winter night, his bellows nose fell out, Gentlemen quoth he, it must needs bee could weather when the bellows nose doth drop.   

Of a welshman.  
A scholar examining a welshman who was also a scholar in the Meteoro-logickes, asked him, quid est capra saltans? The welshman answered in English, that it was a capring Goat.   

Of a scholar that had soare legs.  
A scholar keeping his chamber very closely, by reason of his fore legs, was asked by another, how he could keep in so much, having such running legs.   

Of a young scholar.  
A Young scholar was very much perplexed, because in all his Dictionary, he could not find what was latin for Aquavitae. Another because he could not find latin for a Noble.   

Of two Schollers requiting each others kindness.  
A certain Seholler had occasion to make use of a book which he himself wanted, wherefore he sent to another to borrow it for a short time, but he sent him word that he could not lend his book out of doors, but that he should come to his chamber and read while he would. The scholar being to have private use of it, furnished himself anotherwhere, and afterward wailed a requital, which was thus offered: Two dayes after the other came to him to borrow his bellows, he made him answer, indeed I cannot lend my bellows out of doors, but come to my chamber and blow whiles you will.   

Witty answers.  
Qu. WHy is Coelum which is latin for Heaven, onely of the masculine gender, in the plural number.  
An Because that I think few women shall come there, or at least such as are singular.  
Qu. Why amongst the rest of the planets doth Venus cast a shadow?  
An. Because her deeds do most wantit.  
Qu. Why doth the man wear the horns whereas the woman doth make them?  
An Because the man is the head.  
Qu. Suppose you and I were in a room to gether, you being naked, pray which part would you first cover.  
An. Your eyes Sir. A Question proposed to a Gentlewoman, at the play of Questions and Commands.  
Qu. Of all creatures, which dieth best like a Swan?  
An. A thief, because he sings before he dies.   

A witty answer.  
A Glocestershire man intruded at a Devonshire feast, in Oxford( for once a year they have a solemn meeting that are of one shire) wherefore he was asked if he were their Countryman or no, he answered, there went but a pair of shears betwixt us.   

Of Piscator.  
A scholar being to take his degree for bachelor of Divinity, in disputations slighted the Authority of Piscator, with these words, Audio Apostolum non piscatorem. The Moderator answered him, why, fuit Apostolus Piscator.   

Of one being distressed in his bed.  
A Gentleman being distressed in his naked bed,  told his Chamberfellow, that he must needs rise and untruss a point. Another( being a welshman) used the same phrase, when he saw a hen shitting on a Table.   

Of a foolish wish.  
A scholar whose study was adjoining to an Orchard,& seeing a three of very faire plums out of his window, wished himself a crow that he might fly out and fill his pockets, and so come back again.   

A foolish Resolve.  
TWo Schollers having been abroad tippling, &c. about 8. or 9. resolved at last to go home and study like horses, wherefore they agreed to lock each other into their studies.   

On a scholar whose cup was overfull.  
A Fellow whose cup was overfilled and so delivered unto him did once or twice very gingerly sip there of, whereat the company laughing, he said Gentlemen it was too full before, but now it is very faire, and so he drank off all the rest. The same man at another time, swore that he drank once as good beer as ever he did in his life.   

Of a scholar to be presented bachelor.  
A scholar that was to take his degree of bachelor of Arts, was asked by the dean that was to present him to the congregation with what conscience he could swear him to bee fit for that degree both in learning and manners sith he had spent his time so ill in the university? The scholar answered him, he might well swear him to bee fit tam moribus quam doctrina, for so the oath deans are to take doth run in the latin.   

Of a Duns made M. of Arts  
A Duns being created M. of Arts, one asks how it is possible he should attain to that degree, being so mean a scholar, another answered, it mitht well bee, for Omnis creatio est ex nihilo.   

On an order in Magdalene college in Oxford.  
IN Magdalene college in Oxford, it is an order that every morning one shall go about to every Schollers door that is of the foundation, knocking loudly and crying pars a quinta( which signifies a quarter after five of the clock) and warns them all to prayers, one hearing this related said, doth he knock at every door, yes saith the other, then replies he, he had need rise at three of the clock to cry pars a quinta.   

Of a young scholar.  
A school Master asked one of his Schollers in the Winter time, what was latin for could, O Sir, answered the lad, I have that at my fingers ends.   

Of a Minister.  
A Minister whose name was Thorn, having almost tired his Auditory in a Sermon, desired them to have patience, with him but for a while and they should gather Grapes from, thorn.   

Of one Taxed for false latin.  
A Servitor in Oxford being a scholar, and having freely given his Tutor an Epistle for a New yeares gift, he red it and taxed him for false latin in it. Sir he reblies, I thought that you would not look a gift horse in the mouth.   

Of a young man and a Doctor  
A Young man being in a bowling green where was a grave Dr. at bowls, the Dr. said he would win the former cast, the young man hearing it, said, Ile lay half a dozen on it.   

Of a fellow of an house, and an under graduate.  
A Fellow of a college was chiding an under graduate, for prating too loud in dinner time, and withall  told him that vir sapit qui pauca loquitur, the other replies yes, vir loquitur qui pauca sapit.   

Of a Curate.  
A Country Curate asking a young scholar to which university he intended to go, the choler answered him, to Cambridge. That is a very unhealthy place said the first, and I think if I had lived there till this time, I had been dead five yeares since. Another  told a melancholy man, that if he lived long that sad kind of life, he would die shortly.   

Of a cook.  
A cook of a college on a Winter night being much busied in dressing supper, and withall half tippled, cut up the sheath of his knife and broiled it for a read hearing.   

Of one at a non plus.  
ONE having brought himself to a non plus, in the telling of a tale, desired another to help him out, no quoth he, you are out enough already.   

On a little study.  
A scholar having a very little study, and a company in his chamber desiring to see it, he  told them, i'faith Gentlemen if you go all in, it will not hold you.   

Of a sluggard.  
A Fellow that used to lie a-bed long every morn, once got up about the rising of the sun, wherefore he  told some that the sun did rise sooner that morning then it had done these five yeares.   

On a house of office.  
ONe asking another which was the way to the house of office, was bid by him to follow his nose, and he could not miss the way. The same man coming back again, said that he had— his belly full.   

One that wore but one Spur.  
A scholar being jeered on the way for wearing but one spur, said that if one side of his horse went on, it was not likely that the other would stay behind.   

On a Bull.  
SOme being talking concerning jests, bulls, and the like, one of them averred that there was as much wit shewed in breaking a good bull, so it were voluntarily done, as in the best jest, which speech another confirming, said, that it was harder to speak good nonsense, than bad goodsence.   

Of a scholar slighted.  
A scholar neglecting or not seeing one of his former familiar acquaintance, the other took it in endugine, and imputing it to his pride, said to those of his company, he sees me well enough, but he will not look on me.   

Of an ignorant Priest.  
AN ignorant Priest at the celebration of mass, saw written in his book salta per tria which signifies folia or paginas, in English, turn ore three leaves at once, he leaps down backward 3. stairs from the Altar. The Country people thinking him mad bound him hand and foot, and carried him out of the Church   

Of a foolish scholar.  
IN a certain monastery did live studious youths under the discipline of an Abbot and their several Tutors, there one being bid to construe an hymn in which was this word pedo, which signifies a sheepe-crooke, the scholar was thereat puzzeled. Wherefore the Abbot bad him look out that word in the Dictionary, where having looked, he cries out pedo pedis pedere, which signifies to fart, at which the rest brak forth into a loud laughter. The Abbot being thereat very angry strooke one of them, saying you rascals dee laugh whilst wee are talking of sacred things?   

Of a scholar.  
A Vniersity scholar, many times striving to bee graced with the degree of a bachelor of Arts, could never obtain it. At last all hope forsaking him, he said why there is no necessity I should bee bachelor, for Christ had twelve Disciples, and yet none of them was a bachelor.   

On Platoes year.  
TWo young philosophers went into an inn to drink, where the host was an old man, but very witty and conceited. Where having disputed most part of the night, concerning the opinions of Philosophers, especially of Platoes great year,( how after thirty thousand yeares they should again bee entertained in the same inn,) At last they entreated the old man, that until that time he would forbear the reckoning, and when then they came again they promised to pay him. To which he answered, In the year past being 30000. yeares since, I remember you were here and did not pay your reckoning, pay that now, and I will trust you for this until the next year.   

Of a young scholar.  
A Company of Schollers were talking of an impudent woman that hit her own husband in the teeth with his hosnes; a puny amongst them saith, what a fool was he to let his wife know he was a cuckolded.   

Of a Tutor.  
A Tutor in the university reprehending some of his Schollers for too much frequenting the waters, said that he would have no man venture to go into the water until he could swim well.   

On a Country man.  
A Country fellow went to the university of Oxford to see his young Landlord, who was there a student. And having found him discoursing amongst Schollers, he said he would give twenty pounds his son were so good a scholar as he. Wouldst thou replies the scholar, it has cost my Father five hundred pound. Hath it so saith the other. Then you and your Father are both damnably cheated.   

On certain Schollers.  
certain Schollers speaking in the company of one whose name was Hill, that H was no letter, no saith he, it will then go very ill with me.   

A Disputation.  
A Grave man coming into the Hall to dispute with a bachelor of Arts, on this question; An Monarchia sit optimus status Reipublicae, began with this supposition, supponas me esse Monarcham te subditum, &c. the other answers hoc non est supponendum( replies he) non? supponas disputationis gratia non disputationis gratia, saith the bachelor, quare? asks the first, saith the other quia uno dato absurdo sequuntur mill.   

On a Grove.  
THe same man hearing a Grove commended which was near unto his house, said that indeed it would be a good grove were it not for the trees.   

Of a quarrel between two Schollers.  
A scholar being big and tall of stature, quarreling with another, that was much less then himself, the latter said a great clown, were he cut in two, he would make three of me.   

A relation of news.  
A certain scholar asking another what news in the Country, he said that at a town in Dorset shire, a man being to be buried in a blustering and stormy day, when he was brought into the Church, and set down from the mens shoulders, the beer gave a great crack. The Minister asking what it was that did crack so( searing it had been a beam of the Church) nothing said the dead man. And when he was to be interred, the grave being in the Churchyard, was half full of water, which when the dead man felt, he said, what do you mean to bury me and drown me too. Notwithstanding they buried him, and it is now questioned.   

A mistake in reading.  
A Curate being to read that passage in the Scripture, and Abraham did solace his wife, red, and Abraham did so lace his wife.   

At Woodstocke by Schollers.  
KIng James, of Famous memory being at Woodstocke, the Schollers of Christ-Church, presented him with a play, name the Marriage of the Artes, a Comedy very good, but not well taken by the Court, whereon one made this disticke to the author.  
six miles thy Muse had travelled that I think.  
The cause that made thy verses feet to stink.   

On a French Priest.  
A Priest under our Popish ignorance willing to prove that the Parish must pave the Church and not he, proved it out of the old Testament, in these words, paveant illi non paveam ego.   

On a mere scholar.  
A certain mere scholar being to ride before a Gentlewoman on the same horse, out of courtesy desired her to get up first, which she denying, he very earnestly urged her to it, thinking it as I suppose a part of good manners.   

An epigram on this saying.  
QUot capita tot ingenia.  
So many heads so many wits, fie, fie;  
It is a shane for proverbs thus to lie:  
For I, though my acquaintance bee but small;  
Know many heads that have no wit at all.   

On a pair of foul bootes.  
A scholar being hasty on his journey, the other was over curious in making clean his bootes, he jestingly  told him, I prithee leave, for the old dirt will serve to keep out the new.   

Of a scholar.  
A scholar having brought his Tutor an exercise in prose, he dislikt it, and bad him turn it into verse the next day the young scholar brought it, so saith he, now there is rhyme in it, before neither rhyme nor reason.   

On a Country man.  
A Country man being  told by his Minister that he must defy the world, the flesh and the devil, made this answer; Sir I hope you will pardon me in that, your Worship saws me to bee a poor man, and therefore it becomes not me to defy any man.   

On a Gentleman.  
A Gentleman being in place where there was wondrous small beer, said to his friend, O Sir, this beer sweats extremely, your reason said he, why? I tell you man its all in a water.   

Another of the same.  
THE same Gentleman complained that the beer at such a college was dead, that may very well be said his Companion, for it was weak when I were here last.   

Of a scholar.  
A Master of a college, seeing one of the foundation clad with an extreme short gown, reprehended him sharply, and  told him it was a disparagement to the whole Society, for him to go so ridiculously accountred, good Sir, replies the fellow, have patience a while, for it will bee long enough Ile warrant you before I have another.   

An Oxford townsman.  
A Certain Townesman was boasting what revenge he would take on an other whom he conceived had wronged him: the same party hearing his threats, answered him that cursed cowes have short horns: the former mans wife standing by, and willing to take her husbands part, replied yea? but I hope my husband is none of those Cowes Sir.   

On one that had lost at cards  
A Gentleman much bemoaning his bad fortune, that he had lost forty pieces at cards, but at last, its no great matter( said he) I am( I think) in part revenged, for I am sure he took some light gold: and therewithal restend himself contented.   

A bitter Ieaster.  
IN the time of Queen Elizabeth, lived one place a very bitter Ieaster, who being once admitted into the presence of some Court ladies, they said unto him, come on place we shall now hear of our faults, no replies he, I do not use to talk of that which all the town talks of.   

On a Mercer.  
AN Oxford Mercer, one that had a great opinion of his own wit, being asked by a Country fellow if he would sell him a mat, called forth his daughter Martha, whom he usually so called, and asked him what he would give him for that mat, the clown made him answer, that he would willingly have such a mat as was never lain upon, which quiter abashed both the Mercer and his daughter.   

On an English man and a Frenchman.  
AN English man being in the company of a Frenchman, and with many swaggering terms, braving him amongst the rest, said that wee give the lion, the Prince of all beasts for our arms: the Frenchman answered him, true, yet lo gallum perhorrescit.   

On a jealous man.  
A certain man that was somewhat too jealous of his wives honesty, used oftentimes when shee walked, to look out of the door to watch whether his wife went. Which shee often perceiving, and taking in great endugine, roundly  told him, that if he used so continually to look after her, shee would clap such a pair of horns upon his head, that from thenceforth he should not bee able to put his head out of the doors.   

Of a poor soldier.  
A captain seeing a poor soldier march sweeting in a Winter morning, asked him how he could sweat in such could weather? The soldier answered him mary captain if you carried all your goods on your back as I do, you would sweat as well as I.   

Asilly young Gentlewoman.  
A Silly Country Gentlewoman being begot with child by one that was much her inferior, to save her credit, accused the man of rape, whereupon the matter was had in question before a neighbour Iustice of peace, who somewhat perceiving the matter, after he had heard her complaint, how deeply shee had been injured, as pitying her said, alas poor Gentlewoman, I warrant this was not the first time the rogue ravished you, shee to aggravate his crime, replied, no Ile be sworn he ravished me above twenty times, which procured much laughter, and the fellowes freedom.   

On an old Lady.  
AN ancient Lady was sitting at Table, with company who were questioning each others age, shee being desirous to bee thought younger then indeed she was, said, that shee was but forty yeares old, Cicero being then present, and hearing it, rounded him that sate next him in the ear, saying you must believe her, for J have heard her say so, any time these ten yeares.   

Of a tiler.  
A tiler and his man were together at work upon a house, when the Rafters breaking, his man fel down through the roof, the tiler looking after him, said, I like a fellow that will go through his work.   

Another.  
ANother falling from a house top, killed with his weight a man that was under, but saved his own life, the other mans friend prosecuting the Law, and requiring Lex talionis, was adjudged to get up on the house and to fall down on the tiler.   

A Country man.  
A Country fellow coming into cheapside, took up a waster and a buckler to play with an Apprentice, the Apprentice beating him soundly, breaking his head, &c. the fellow cast down his waster again, and said that if he had not thought that the Apprentice would still have struck on the Buckler,( as he thought) he would not have played.   

On a boy serving in a pigs head.  
A certain company of Gentlemen were met together at dinner, at a friends house, where a boy was serving in a pigshead to the Table, in a foul dish, for which his Master being angry did much chide him, one of them standing by excused the boy in this manner, faith Sir( said he,) you need not be so angry, for the dish is so clean that the boy may see his face in it.   

Of an old man and a judge.  
NOT long since was an old man brought before a judge to be a witness of an ancient custom of a Parish, which was then controverted, the judge therefore in his examination inquired of him how many yeares old he was, he answered one and threescore, the judge trying to put him out of countenance saith, and why not threescore and one( whereas indeed the greatest number should be put first) the old man replies because( may it please your Lordship) I was one before I was threescore.   

On a Gentlewoman and her Servant.  
A Gentle woman was boasting what an overthrow shee had given an adversary of hers in a svit of Law; yes mistress( quoth one of her servants that stood by) he took the wrong sow by the ear, when first he began to meddle with you.   

Of a Gentlewoman betraying herself.  
A Gentle-woman was in company telling a tale of a courtesan who was like to bee surprised in bed with a Lord, and that they were so near taken, that to save both their credits, the lord was enforced to let her down at the window with one of the sheets: In conclusion quoth shee, the knot slipped and down fell I.   

A Gentleman and his Wife.  
A Conceited Gentleman seeing his wife in a very sullen mood, asked her how she did, she answered him, that shee was not sick, nor yet very well. Nay( quoth he) then I may even turn thee out of doors, for I only promised to cherish thee in sickness or in health, which answer awakened her sullen humour.   

Of a welsh Barber.  
A welsh Barbershaving a lean man, put in his finger into his mouth, to bend out his hollow cheek, that he might do it more conveniently, but by neglect, cutting his own finger through the fellowes cheek, he gave him a great cuff on the ear saying, A pox on your thin choppes, thus to make me hurt my finger.   

Of a young Barber.  
A Young Barber coming to trim a Gentleman, the Gentleman asked him what was become of his Master,( who was formerly wont to trim him,) Sir quoth the shaver, my Master hath left off shop-keeping, and hath turned your Worship over to me.   

Of two friars.  
TWO Shavelings were in disputation whether God had made more worlds then one? the one of them alleged that passage in the gospel, concerning the cleansing of ten lepers, being Christs words. An non decem facti Sunt mundi? the other having had recourse first to the Text, answered him as learnedly with the words following, said ubi sunt illi novem?   

How many sorts of Cuckolds  
THere are of Cuckolds three several sorts.  
1. A Goate-Cuckold who is abused, and doth not think of it, for his horns grow like those of the goat, quiter backward, and so out of sight, out of mind.  
2. An ass Cuck old, who taking the shadow of his ears for his horns thinks himself a cuckolded, but is not.  
3. A ram cuckolded who knows he hath horns, sees them and thinks it no disparagement to wear them.   

Of a pair of stocks.  
A Fellow that was set in the stocks, said that the last night he was in a wood, where he could see over, and under, and quiter through, and yet could by no means get out of it.   

On one that would borrow money.  
A Gamester having lost all his money in a room where was one with whom he had some small acquaintance, on the bed; came to him and said, Sir, if you bee not asleep, I pray lend me five shillings, the other,— fastasleepe I protest.   

Of one wanting beer.  
A Tenant dining at his Lords table, could get no liquour, wherefore he rose up and desired leave to go home and drink, saying, that he would return again presently.   

Of a welshman.  
A welshman that had been at the Assizes, and seeing the prisoners hold up their hands to the Bar, coming thence said, that they were ferry good fortune tellers, for do but hold up hur hand, and they was tell hur whether hur shall live or die presently.   

Of a Lobster being shot.  
A Company of Inland Cock-neyes, shot a living Lobster which was let fall on the high way, for a Serpent, and made a solemn thankes giving for their deliverance from it. One of them being somewhat wiser then the rest, took the Serpent and invited the Minister of the Parish to dine thereat, who being derided for his error, said that in all his life time, he never saw a black Lobster before.   

A mistake in a mans name.  
A Fellow was sent in a message to one whose name was Anckeeill, and that he might the better remember his name, he was bid remember the anckle of his leg, he went on his errand, and coming to the place where he lived, mistook Anckle and inquires for one Master calf.   

Of a strumpet being with child.  
A Strumpet saying that shee was begot with child by Aristippus, he answered her, you no more know that, then if you went through a hedge of thorns, you could say, that this thorn pricked me.   

Of a soldier whose stones were cut out.  
A scholar hearing a begging soldier complain that his stones were cut out at the Isle of Rea, did thus bemoan him,  
Jlle dolet vere qui sine teste dolet.   

Of a welshman.  
A welshman observing a fellow to cut his Masters purse, came behind him and cut off his ear, at which the cheater starting, he said, nay Sir, no wrong, give my Master his purse again, and you shall have your ear.   

Of granting suits.  
THe Lord Treasurer in the reign of queen Elizabeth advised her not to grant mens suits too speedily, for said he, bis dat qui cito dat, if you give so soon, they will come to you again.   

Of a welshman being to bee hanged.  
AN Englishman being on the gallows, said nothing so much grieved him, as that he must bee hanged with that shabbed welshman, Godsplit hurnailes( quoth the welshman, in a great rage) hur will hang cheek by jowl with the proudest of you all, and hur would have you know, that hur keeps as could company as you, every day in the week. The hang-man dealing somewhat rudely in fitting the halter about the same Welchmans neck, he looked about very angrily upon him saying, why how now; what dost thou mean to throttle me.   

Of a Spanish cheater.  
A Spanish cheater had gotten him under wide hanging sleeves a pair of false arms, which he artificially lifting up in time of prayer did with his true arms( if so I may call them) cut the purses of all the votaries that were near him.   

Of a prisoner.  
A Prisoner at Newgate, having lost money out of his pockets, looking about on his fellow Prisoners said, how now Gentlemen what have wee thieves among ourselves.   

Of a name on a cap.  
A Gentleman seeing one whose name was Hill, to wear a cap with the first letter of his name wrought upon it, said that he might very well wear a cap for he had a great H. o'his head.   

Of a stinking breath.  
ONe being in company with a man that had a stinking breath,  told him that he would make a good Trumpeter, being asked the reason why he thought so, he answered him, because you have a very strong breath.   

Of a Gentlewomans legs.  
ONe seeing a Gentlewoman garter her stocking in the street, said to her, Mistris, you have a good leg, Sir, said shee, I think I have two: he replies they are two indeed, I think they are twins, not so said shee, for there was a man born between them.   

On a dog.  
A Dog name Rose pist on a Gentle-womans bed, at which she being angry, did beate the dog, one being present, excused the dog, saying you need not fret so much at it, for it was but a little rose-water.   

Of a jug whose hander was broken.  
ONe seeing a Jugge without a hander, and willing to break a jest on it, said that the jug had been in the pillory, being asked why? because( quoth he) he hath lost his hander. The same man having at table given a pigeons leg to another,( the other smelling to it to try if it were sweet)  told him that he should not smell a gift horse in the mouth.   

On a light wench.  
A certain kindehearted Creature affirming herself to bee a maid, was asked by one in the company how shee could prove that, another answered for her, per demonstrationem a posteriori.   

One complaining for want of sleep.  
ONe complaining how little sleep he enjoyed the night before, said I could not sleep the last night, between twelve and one of the clock, for two houres together.   

Of a Miser gathering wool.  
ARich Miser was often observed to go abroad in the fields and pick wool, which having done, he would put it into his breeches, least he should be seen, wherefore some in a waggery put wool full of lice, on the hedges where he was wont to gather it.   

On one that was accused for stealing a Bull.  
ONe being accused at the Assizes for stealing a Bull, pleaded that he had brought him up from a calf, defended himself, and was freed. A welshman who was indited, for stealing of a sword, was nevt tried, and he hoping for the like success, pleaded that hur had brought up hur sword from a dagger.   

On a welshman.  
A welshman seeing the moon shine into the bottom of a Well,  told another that there was a sheece in the bottom of the Well, and hastily leaped in to take it out. Another seeing the moon shine in a pool, ran home and swore that the pool was on fire.   

Of a thief.  
A thief being accused of a roguish fact, denying it said, I am a very rogue if ever I did it.   

On an old woman.  
THere being some Aqua vitae offered to an old woman of fourscore, she asked them what it was, they answered hot water, wherefore she would not drink of it, until she had blown on it a long while.   

Of the Sea between England and Holland.  
ONe reporting that it is a dangerous Sea, between England and Holland. Another said he near knew one drowned therein his life, no replies he, I say, A.M. came over from Holland into England, and was drowned by the way.   

Of one that spake big.  
A scholar being about to describe one that spake very big, said he spake as if he had a Bow-bell in his mouth.   

A womans desire.  
A Gentlewoman when her husband was carving at the Table, desired him to give her a flap of the Coney, her husband answered her, how wife, what before all this company.   

Of a thin piece of cheese.  
A thin piece of cheese being set before a scholar, he presently laid his finger on his mouth, and being asked why he did so, he answered least my breath should blow it away.   

On a tattling Wench.  
ONe hearing a talkative Wench, said that her tongue ran upon when less, another; that she had her tongue at her fingers ends.   

On a fat man.  
ONe seeing a fat man whose legs were swollen with drinking, said that his body was like an hogges-head, set upon two flagons.   

Of a clown.  
A Country fellow having seen a gay Gentlewoman in a pair of satin slippers, describing her attire to his companion, said that the upper leather of her slippers was satin.   

Of one oretaking another on the way.  
A Country fellow riding on the way and wanting Company, at last he espies one before, and setting spurs to his horse, rid and oretooke him, where his first salutation was, Well met Sir. The same being at another time oretaken on the way by a Gentleman, he said you are well oretaken friend, he answered, and so are you Sir.   

On Blacke-berries.  
ONe  told his companion that he had this year already seen read black berries, how can that be possible, saith the other, why replies he, are they not read, when they are green?   

Of a large-beard.  
ONe seeing a fellow with a large promiss beard, said he looked as if he had eaten a horse, and the tail of it did hang out of his mouth. Another seeing a little fellow with a great bushy beard, asked who it was that stood behind the beard.   

Of long mustachoes.  
A judge seeing a fellow come within the bar, that had great. moustaches, standing out streight, and no hair on his chin, called to him, ho? you there with a ruler in your mouth, what business have you to press in after this rude manner, &c.   

A proverb.  
he that is fit to drink wine, must have Sugar on his beard, his eyes in his pockets, and his feet in his hands.   

Of one that went a soldier.  
ONe having a Son which was an unthrift, compelled him to go a soldier into the Low countries; A friend of his meeting him  told him that he heard he would go a voluntary, I God knows, quoth the other much against my will.   

Of a foolish Frenchman.  
A French man( saith Eustathius) going to sleep, put a brass pot under his head, and because the hardness of it did offend him, he stuffed it with feathers and chaff, and so sleept on it thinking it very easy.   

On a Tertian Ague.  
A Gentleman went to visit a friend of his that was sick, and coming into the room where he lay, he inquired of him what his disease was, he answered him a Tertian ague, saith the other, how doth it take you? O lasse said the sick man, I am much troubled with it, for it takes me every day.   

Of a young suitor.  
SOme asking a young man, why he looked after a wife so soon, he answered them they must give him leave to look before he leap.   

A We ches honesty.  
ONe was praising a Wenches honesty, whom a standerby knew to be a whore, wherefore he said to him, is shee honest, pray had shee never a child? the first answered him, indeed she had a child, but it was a very little one.   

A sweet tooth.  
ONe refusing certain meate at the table, said, that was not for his palate, and that he had a sweet tooth. A slander by answers, who ever knew a Calves head without one.   

Two Scolds.  
TWo women scolding, and casting the lie on each other, one of them said thou liest like a whore, a thief, and a hodge-podge, the other replies, but thou liest like an Almanacke-maker, for thou liest every day and all the year long.   

On a Miller.  
THere was a certain man name Regulus, who having caught his Miller in a theft, would have him hanged for it; the Miller being now on the gallows, he entreated and conjured him by his faith to tell him of an honest Miller. The Miller upon his oath affirmed that he knew none. If it be so said Regulus come thou down again and live, least I meet with a worse thief than thou art.   

Of a Player.  
A Player having in the night taken thieves in his house, he said to them, I wonder what you would find here in the night, whereas I can find nothing here in clear day.   

Of one being in a tempest.  
ONe being in a dangerous tempest( all being commanded to throw those things that were most burdenous into the sea) threw first his wife, saying, that he was burdened with nothing thing somuch as with her.   

On a read head.  
ONe seeing a fellow with a carretpate, said that he would raise notable tumults if he were a chymny sweeper, being asked the reason, he answered because if he should put his head out of the chimney, the people would think it were fire, and all run to quench it.   

Of a Bavarian.  
TWO Bavarians were traveling towards Rome, and by the way went into an inn, and eat eggs for their dinner. After they were again gone forth on their journey saith the one of them to the other, I have deceived mine host very cunningly, the other asking him how, he answered, because I ate a whole chick in one of the eggs, and paid nere a farthing for it.   

Of a Traveller.  
A Traveller coming into a tavern, and calling for graecian wine, the woman brought him some of her own urine, he tasting it, and perceiving her guile, said he would have none of that Wine, for it did taste of the cask.   

On a Wilde-ducke.  
A Gentleman being at the table where was a very fat wildducke, he said, he thought the duck was crambd, at which the rest laughing, asked him who should crambe it, he answered them the man in the moon.   

On a private marriage.  
A Gentleman describing a couple that were married privately, said that they were married without a wedding.   

On the roman Iulia.  
I Ulia the daughter of Augustus Caesar, being gravely admonished by a ftiend of hers, that shee should compose her self to the example of her fathers temperance and frugality, shee answered, he forgets himself to bee Caesar, but I remember myself to be Caesars daughter.   

On Populia.  
THe like answer was given by the roman Populia, a luxurious woman, who when one of her friends said that he wondered why beasts never desire to couple with their males,( otherwise in women) but when they desire to conceive young; she answered, because they are beasts.   

Two travailing.  
TWo travailing on the way, they came to a very narrow path, where one doubting they were gon amiss because of the narrowness of the tract, the other answered, pish, it is a great road man of a pathway.   

A ridiculous speech.  
A Gentleman newly being come from London, another asked him, how such a friend of his fared who was then in London, the other answered him that he did not see him. No!( replies he) why had you not sought him: seek a man there( cries the other) seek a man in a bottle of hay.   

On a tired horse.  
A Gentleman seeing anothers horse at a stand, he not able to make him go maugre his spurring him, said, that the man was mounted on a posthorse.   

On a Phoenix.  
ANother reporting that he had seen a Phoenix in his travels, a Phoenix one asked him in the company, whether it were a cock Phoenix or a hen.   

On one in the stocks.  
A Gentleman being for a misdemeanour set in the stocks, a friend of his who the mean while had been at the tavern, hearing of it, came hallowing into the Temple hall in London where it was done. And being demanded why he did so, he answered that he had lost a friend of his in a wood, and therefore hallowed for him as is the use.   

An epigram on a drunken Smith.  
I Heard that smug the Smith, for Ale and spices,  
Sold all his tools, and yet he kept his vices.   

On a close stool.  
A clown seeing a Gentleman make use of a close stool, ran down the stairs and cried to the host, that the Gentleman did— in his pewter chest, which moved much laughter.   

On foul tablecloths.  
A scholar having on a Friday invited some of his friends to a dinner of fish, and having very foul table-cloathes, desired them to fall too, and be merry, for there was plenty both of fish and foul.   

An Epitaph on a cobbler.  
COme hither, read my gentle friend; And here behold a cobblers end:  
Longer in length his life had gone,  
But that he had no last so long.  
O mighty death, whose power can kill,  
The man that made him souls at will.   

Ambiguous speeches.  
ONe said that he had seen a Nobleman eat a herring half an hour after his head was of. Another that he had heard one swear a great oath, two houres after he was dead.   

On a jealous man.  
A certain man was so far past in jealousy of his wives looseness, at the very conceit grew melancholic, and consequently sick, whereupon a friend of his that came to visit him, asked him where was his disease, whether in head, stomach, &c. he answered that he was onely troubled with a bad liver, meaning his wife, who as he thought lived loosely.   

On a cuckolded.  
A certain man in spain being to be marked in the forehead for having three wives, one said that he might bee spared, for he was marked in the forehead when he had but one wife.   

On a stout fellow.  
A Stout fellow being prest for a soldier, with many tears bewailed his sad misfortune, and being rebuked by one of his friends for it, he answered, it would never grieve me Sir, if I might stay at home and fight with my friends.   

Of a Gntleman.  
A Gentleman who was troubled with the jaundice, was advised by his physician to drink Lice for his disease, whereupon he sent his servant to Newgate to purchase some, he bought two pennyworth, but finding one of them to be very small, he desired his Merchant to exchange him, nay Sir you shall excuse me, quoth he, do you think I will cull my beware for two pence.   

Of a tailor.  
A tailor meeting his debtor on the Exchange, bespoke him with these words Sir, there is something between you and I, is there so quoth the other, why dost thou not take it up then.   

Of a Glutton.  
ONe beholding a Glutton falling hard to his victuals, said that he devoured his meate like any Hanniball.   

Another.  
A Glutton being to encounter his enemy, was encouraged by a Spectator in this wise, thou needst not doubt of the victory, for to my knowledge, thou art armed with the better stomach.   

Another.  
ONe falling by chance into company with another that had much injured him, broke out into this passionate speech, well, said he, if I am here, there is a knave not far off.   

A Witty inscription.  
WItty was that conceit of him who bestowed this inscription on the door of a lakes, Here are farts to bee let.   

Of a read nose,  
ONe said that your read nose would look so blue in a frosty morning.   

Another.  
NOt much unlike was that of him, who would needs lay a wager that there was Coventry blew brown thread.   

Another.  
ONe said of a man sparing in his diet, that he lived by the air like the Cormorant.   

On a Tinker.  
A Tinker coming through cheapside, and sounding bravely on his kettle to the tune of have you any work for a Tinker, a forward linen Draper, that thought to put a jest on the Tinker, there being a Pillory before his door,  told him he should do well to stop those two holes, pointing to the Pillory, the Tinker returned him this anwer, that if he would afford him his head and ears, he would find a hammer and nailes, and give him work into the bargain.   

On a beggar.  
ONe coming to beg an alms of a Gentleman, and being very importunate, the Gentleman not knowing how to be rid of him, after he had asked him a few questions,  told him that a man knew not to whom to bee charitable for there are such a company of sturdy beggars, that if one do not give something to them, they will bid a pox take one. O Sir replies the beggar, you are mistaken in me, I am none of those, the Gentleman replied, then go your ways, Ile try you for once.   

On a Baker.  
A Baker riding through a Yeomans Close, spied a fat Goose, and being a merry fellow, he lights down, took up the Goose, and weighing her in his hands, he liked herso well that he put her into one of his dossers, and thumping old brock his mere with his feet, he began to trot homeward as fast as he could, the countryman that owed the Goose, observing the Bakers knavery, strained his throat, cried aloud Baker, Baker, the Baker made as if he did not hear, but rides home as fast as he could, the Countryman knowing who he was, got a warrant to have him before a Iustice, the business being examined, the Baker was asked what he could say for himself: And like your Worship saith he, I went to buy a Goose, and coming into this mans close I took one up, weighed her, liked her, and carried her home, this man calls to me to Bake her, which I have done, and if your worship as he loves a goose, truly both of you shall be welcome to the pie.   

Of an old man marrying a young woman.  
A Young maid being married to an old man, shee was very sad all the time the wedding was holden, wherefore one comforting her said, bee of good cheer woman for an old horse will perform as long a journey as a young. She sighing and withall stroking down her belly answering; But not in this road Sir.  
FJNJS.