MOTHER BOMBIE. As it was sundry times played by the Children of Paul's.  
LONDON, Imprinted by Thomas Scarlet for Cuthbert Burby. 1594.   

A pleasant conceited Comedy, called Mother Bombie.  

Actus primus. Scena prima.  Memphio. Dromio. Memphio. 
BOY, there are three things that make my life miserable, a thread bare purse, a cursed wife, & a fool to my heir. Dromio. Why then sir, there are three medicines for these three maladies: a pikestaff to take a purse on the high way, a holy wand to brush choler from my mistress tongue, and a young wench for my young master: so that as your Worship being wise begot a fool, so he being a fool may tread out a wise man.  Memp. 
ay but Dromio, these medicines bite hot on great mischiefs, for so might I have a rope about my neck, horns upon my head, and in my house a litter of fools.  Dro. 
Then sir you had best let some wise man sit on your son, to hatch him a good wit: they say, if ravens sit on hens eggs the chickens will be black, and so forth.  Memp. 
Why boy, my son is out of the shell, and is grown a pretty cock.  Drom. 
Carve him master, & make him a capon, else all your breed will prove coxcombs.  Memph. 
I marvel he is such an ass, he takes it not of his father.  Dro. 
He may for any thing you know.  Mem. 
Why villain dost thou think me a fool?  Dro. 
O no sir, neither are you sure that you are his father.  Memp. 
Rascal, dost thou imagine thy mistress nought of her body?  Dro. 
No, but fantastical of her mind, and it may be, when this boy was begotten she thought of a fool, & so conceived a fool, yourself being very wise, and she surpassing honest.  Mem. 
It may be, for I have heard of an Aethiopian, that thinking of a fair picture, brought forth a fair lady, and yet no bastard.  Drom. 
You are well read sir, your son may be a bastard and yet legitimate, yourself a cuckold, & yet my mistress virtuous, all this in conceit.  Mem. 
Come Dromio, it is my grief to have such a son that must inherit my lands.  Dro. 
He needs not sir, I'll beg him for a fool.  Mem. 
Vile boy, thy young master?  Dro. 
Let me have in a device.  Mem. 
I'll have thy advice, and if it fadge, thou shalt eat, thou shalt sweat, play till thou sleep, and sleep till thy bones ache.  Dro. 
I marry, now you tickle me, I am both hungry, gamesome, & sleepy, and all at once, I'll break this head against the wall but I'll make it bleed good matter.  Mem. 
Then this it is, thou knowest I have but one son, and he is a fool.  Dro. 
A monstrous fool.  Memp. 
A wife and she an errand scold.  Dro. 
Ah master I smell your device, it will be excellent.  Mem. 
Thou canst not know it till I tell it.  Dro. 
I see it through your brains, your hair is so thin, and your skull so transparent, I may sooner see it than hear it.  Mem. 
Then boy hast thou a quick wit, and I a slow tongue, but what be't?  Dro. 
marry either you would have your wives tongue in your son's head, that he might be a prating fool, or his brains in her brain pan, that she might be a foolish scold.  Mem. 
Thou dreamest Dromio, there is no such matter, thou knowest I have kept him close, so that my neighbours think him to be wise, and her to be temperate, because they never heard them speak.  Dro. 
Well.  Mem. 
Thou knowest that Stellio hath a good farm and a fair daughter, yea so fair, that she is mewed up, and only looketh out at the windows, lest she should by some roisting courtier be stolen away.  Dro. 
So sir.  Mem. 
Now if I could compass a match between my son and Stellio's daughter by conference of us parents, and without theirs, I should be blessed, he cozened, and thou for ever set at liberty.  Dro. 
A singular conceit.  Mem. 
Thus much for my son. Now for my wife, I would have this kept from her, else shall I not be able to keep my house from smoke, for let it come to one of her ears, & then woe to both mine: I would have her go to my house into the Country whilst we conclude this, and this once done, I care not if her tongue never have done: these if thou canst effect, thou shalt make thy master happy.  Dro. 
Think it done, this noddle shall coin such new device as you shall have your son married py tomorrow.  Mem. 
But take heed, that neither the father nor the maid speak to my son, for then his folly will mar all.  Dro. 
Lay all the ear on me, Sublevabo te onere, I will rid you of a fool.  Mem. 
Wilt thou rid me for a fool?  Dro. 
Tush, quarrel not.  Mem. 
Then for the dowry, let it be at least two hundredth ducats, and after his death the farm.  Dro. 
What else?  Mem. 
Then let us in, that I may furnish thee with some better counsel, and my son with better apparel.  Dro. 
Let me alone, I lack but a wag more to make of my counsel, and than you shall see an exquisite cozenage, & the father more fool than the son. But hear you sir, I forgot one thing.  Mem. 
What's that?  Dro. 
Nay, Expellas furca licet vsque recurret.  Mem. 
What's the meaning?  Dro. 
Why though your son's folly be thrust up with a pair of horns on a fork, yet being natural it will have his course.  Mem. 
I pray thee no more, but about it.  Exeunt.  

Act. 2. Sce. 2.  Stellio. Riscio. Stel. 
Risio, my daughter is passing amiable, but very simple.  Ri. 
You mean a fool sir.  Stel. 
Faith I imply so much.  Ri. 
Then I apply it fit: the one she takes of her father, the other of her mother, now you may be sure she is your own.  Stel. 
I have penned her up in a chamber, having only a window to look out, that youths seeing her fair cheeks, may be enamoured before they hear her fond speech. How likest thou this head?  Ri. 
There is very good workmanship in it, but the matter is but base, if the stuff had been as good as the mould, your daughter had been as wise as she is beautiful  Stel. 
Dost thou think she took her foolishness of me?  Ri. 
ay, & so cunningly, that she took it not from you.  Stel. 
Well, Quod natura dedit tollere nemo potest.  Ri. 
A good evidence to prove the feesimple of your daughter's folly.  Stel. 
Why?  Ri. 
It came by nature, and if none can take it away, it is perpetual.  Stel. 
Nay Riscio, she is no natural fool, but in this consisteth her simplicity, that she thinketh herself self subtle in this her rudeness, that she imagines she is courtly, in this the overshooting of herself, that she overweeneth of herself.  Ri. 
Well, what follows?  Stel. 
Risio this is my plot, Memphio hath a pretty stripling to his son, whom with cockering he hath made wanton, his girdle must be warmed, the air must not breathe on him, he must lie a-bed till noon, and yet in his bed break his fast, that which I do to conceal the folly of my daughter, that doth he in too much cockering of his son. Now Risio how shall I compass a match between my girl and his boy?  Ri. 
Why with a pair of compasses, and bring them both into the circle, He warrant they'll match themselves.  Stel. 
Tush, plot it for me, that never speaking one to another, they be in love one with another, I like not solemn wooing, it is for courtiers, let country folks believe others' reports as much as their own opinions.  Ri. 
O then, so it be a match you care not.  Stel. 
Not I, nor for a match neither, were it not I thirst after my neighbours farm.  Ri. 
A very good nature. Well, if by flat wit I bring this to pass, what's my reward?  Stel. 
Whatsoever thou wilt ask.  Ri. 
I'll ask no more than by my wit I can get in the bargain.  Stel. 
Then about it.  Exit. Ri. 
If I come not about you never trust me, I'll seek out Dromio, the counsellor of my conceit.   

Act. 1. Sce. 3.  Prisius. Sperantus. Pris. 
It is unneighbourly done to suffer your son since he came from school to spend his time in love, and unwisely done to let him hover over my daughter, who hath nothing to her dowry but her needle, & must prove a Sempster, nor he any thing to take to but a Grammar, and cannot at the best be but a schoolmaster.  Spe. 
Prisius, you bite and whine, wring me on the withers, and yet winch yourself, it is you that go about to match my girl with my boy, she being more fit for seams than for marriage, and he for a rod than a wife.  Pri. 
Her birth requires a better bridegroom than such a groom.  Spe. 
And his bringing up another gate marriage than such a minion.  Pri. 
marry gup, I am sure he hath no better bread than is made of wheat, nor worn finer cloth than is made of will, nor learned better manners than are taught in schools.  Spe. 
Nor your minx had no better grandfather than a tailor, who (as I have heard) was poor and proud: nor a better father than yourself, unless your wife borrowed a better to make her daughter a Gentlewoman.  Pri. 
Twit not me with my ancestors, nor my wives honesty, if thou dost.  Spe. 
Hold thy hands still thou hadst best, & yet it is impossible now I remember, for thou hast the palsy  Pri. 
My hands shake so, that wert thou in place where, I would teach thee to cog.  Spe. 
Nay, if thou shake thy hands, I warrant thou canst not teach any to cog. But neighbour, let not two old fools fall out for two young wantons.  Pri. 
Indeed it becometh men of our experience to reason, not rail: to debate the matter, not to combat it.  Spe. 
Well, than this isle tell thee friendly, I have almost these two years cast in my head, how I might match my princocks with Stellio's daughter, whom I have heard to be very fair, and know shall be very rich, she is his heir, he dotes, he is stooping old, and shortly must die, yet by no means, either by blessing or cursing can I win my son to be a wooer, which I know proceeds not of bashfulness but stubbornness, for he knows his good though I say it, he hath wit at will: as for his parsonage, I care not who sees him, I can tell you he is able to make a Lady's mouth water if she wink not.  Pri. 
Stay Sperantus, this is like my case, for I have been tampering as long to have a marriage committed between my wench and Memphio's only son, they say he is as goodly a youth as one shall see in a Summer's day, and as neat a stripling as ever went on neat's leather, his father will not let him be forth of his sight, he is so tender over him, he yet lies with his mother for catching cold. Now my pretty else, as proud as the day is long, she will none of him, she forsooth will choose her own husband, made marriages prove mad marriages, she will choose with her eye and like with her heart before she consent with her tongue, neither father nor mother, kith nor kin shallbe her carver in a husband, she will fall too where she likes best, and thus the chick scarce out of the shell cackles as though she had been trodden with an hundredth cocks, and mother of a thousand eggs.  Spe. 
Well then this is our best, seeing we know each other's mind, to devise to govern our own children, for my boy, I'll keep him to his books, & study shall make him leave to love, I'll break him of his will or his bones with a cudgel.  Pri. 
And I'll no more dandle my daughter, she shall prick on a clout till her fingers ache, or I'll cause her leave to make my heart ache. But in good time, though with ill luck, behold if they be not both together, let us stand close and hear all, so shall we prevent all.  Enter Candius and Livia. Spe. 
This happens pat, take heed you cough not Prisius.  Pri. 
Tush spit not you, & I'll warrant I my beard is as good as a handkerchief.  Livia. 
Sweet Candius, if thy father should see us alone, would be not fret? The old man methinks should be full of fumes.  Cand. 
Tush, let him fret one heart string against another, he shall never trouble the least vain of my little finger, the old churl thinks none wise, unless he have a beard hang dangling to his waist, when my face is bedaubed with hair as his, then perchance my conceit may stumble on his staidness.  Pri. 
ay, in what book read you that lesson.  Spe. 
I know not in what book he read it, but I am sure he was a knave to learn it.  Can. 
I believe fair Livia, if your sour fire should see you with your sweet heart, he would not be very patient.  Liu. 
The care is taken, I'll ask him blessing as a father, but never take counsel for an husband, there is as much odds between my golden thoughts, & his leaden advice, as between his silver hairs and my amber locks, I know he will cough for anger that I yield not, but he shall cough me a fool for his labour.  Spe. 
Where picked your daughter that work, out of broad-stitch?  Pri. 
Out of a flirt's sampler, but let us stay the end, this is but the beginning, you shall hear two children well brought up.  Cand. 
Parents in these days are grown peevish, they rock their children in their cradles till they sleep, and cross them about their bridals till their hearts ache. Marriage among them is become a market, what will you give with your daughter? What jointer will you make for your son? And many a match is broken off for a penny more or less, as though they could not afford their children at such a price, when none should cheapen such ware, but affection, and none buy it but love.  Spe. 
Learnedly and scholarlike.  Liu. 
In deed our parents take great care to make us ask blessing and say grace whenas we are little ones, and growing to years of judgement they deprive us of the greatest blessing, and the most gracious things to our minds, the liberty of our minds: they give us pap with a spoon before we can speak, and when we speak for that we love, pap with a hatchet: because their fancies being grown musty with hoary age, therefore nothing can relish in their thoughts that savours of sweet youth: they study twenty years together to make us grow as straight as a wand, and in the end by bowing us make us as crooked as a cammock. For mine own part (sweet Candius) they shall pardon me, for I will measure my love by mine own judgement, not my father's purse or peevishness. Nature hath made me his child, not his slave, I hare Memphio and his son deadly, if I wist he would place his affection by his father's appointment.  Pri. 
Wittily but uncivilly.  Can. 
Be of that mind still my fair Livia, let our fathers lay their purses together, we our hearts, I will never woo where I cannot love, let Stellio enjoy his daughter. But what have you wrought here?  Liu. 
Flowers, fowls, beasts, fishes, trees, plants, stones, and what not. Among flowers, cowslips & lilies for our names Candius and Livia. Among fowls, Turtles and Sparrows, for our truth and desires. Among beasts, the fox and the Ermine for beauty and policy, and among fishes the cockle & the Tortoise, because of Venus among trees, the vine wreathing about the elm for our embracings. Among stone's Abestor, which being hot will never be cold, for our constancies. Among plants, Time and heartsease, to note that if we take time we shall ease our hearts.  Pri. 
There's a girl that knows her lerripoop.  Spe. 
Listen & you shall hear my son's learning.  Liu. 
What book is that?  Can. 
A fine pleasant poet, who entreateth of the art of Love, and of the remedy.  Liu. 
Is there art in love?  Can. 
A short art & a certain, three rules in 3. lines.  Liu. 
I pray thee repeat them.  Can. 
Principio quod amare velis reperire labora, Proximus huic labor est placidam evor are puellam, Tertius vt longo tempore ducet amor.  Liu. 
I am no Latinist Cand. you must construe it.  Can. 
So I will and pace it too: thou shalt be acquainted with case, gender, and number. First one must find out a mistress, whom before all others he voweth to serve. Secondly, that he use all the means that he may to obtain her. And the last with deserts, faith and secrecy to study to keep her.  Liu: 
What's the remedy?  Can: 
Death.  Liu: 
What of all the book is the conclusion?  Can: 
This one verse, Non caret essertu quod volvere dvo.  Liu: 
What's that?  Can: 
Where two are agreed, it is impossible but they must speed.  Liu: 
Then cannot we miss, therefore give me thy hand Candius.  Pri. 
Soft Livia, take me with you, it is not good in law without witness.  Spe. 
And as I remember there must be two witnesses, God give you joy Candius, I was worth the bidding to dinner, though not worthy to be of the counsel.  Pri. 
I think this hot love hath provided but cold cheer.  Spe. 
Tush, in love is no lack, but blush not Candius, you need not be ashamed of your cunning, you have made love a book case, and spent your time well at school, learning to love by art, and hate against nature, but I perceive, the worser child the better lover.  Pri. 
And my minion hath wrought well, where every stitch in her sampler is a pricking stitch at my heart: you take your pleasure on parents, they are peevish, fools, churls, overgrown with ignorance, because overworn with age, little shalt thou know the case of a father before thyself be a mother, when thou shalt breed thy child with continual pains, and bringing it forth with deadly pangs, nurse it with thine own paps, and nourish it up with motherly tenderness, and then find them to curse thee with their hearts, when they should ask blessing on their knees, and the collop of thine own bowels to be the torture of thine own soul, with tears trickling down thy checks, and drops of blood falling from thy heart, thou wilt in uttering of thy mind wish them rather unborn than unnatural, & to have had their cradles their graves rather than thy death their bridals. But I will not dispute what thou shouldst have done, but correct what thou hast done, I perceive sowing is an idle exercise, and that every day there come more thoughts into thine head, than stitches into thy work, I'll see whether you can spin a better mind than you have stitched, and if I coop you not up, then let me be the capon.  Spe. 
As for you sir boy, in stead of poring on a book, you shall hold the plough, I'll make repentance reap what wantonness hath sown, but we are both well served, the sons must be masters, the father's gaffers, what we get together with a rake, they cast abroad with a fork, and we must weary our legs to purchase our children arms. Well, seeing that booking is but idleness, I'll see whether threshing be any occupation, thy mind shall stoop to my fortune, or mine shall break the laws of nature. How like a mitcher he stands, as though he had truanted from honesty, get thee in, and for the rest let me alone. In villain.  Pri. 
And you pretty minx, that must be fed with love upon sops, I'll take an order to cram you with sorrows, get you in without look or reply.  Exeunt Candius, Livia. Spe. 
Let us follow, and deal as rigorously with yours as I will with mine, and you shall see that hot love will wax soon cold, I'll tame the proud boy, and send him as far from his love as he is from his duty.  Pri. 
Let us about it, and also go on with matching them to our minds, it was happy that we prevented that by chance, which we could never yet suspect by circumstance.  Exeunt.   


Act. 2. Sce. 1.  Dromio. Risio. Dro. 
Now if I could meet with Risio, it were a world of waggery.  Ri. 
Oh that it were my chance Obuiam dare Dromio, to stumble upon Dromio, on whom I do nothing but dream.  Dro. 
His knavery and my wit should make our masters that are wise fools, their children that are fools beggars, and us two that are bond free.  Ri. 
He to cousin, & I to conjure, would make such alterations, that our masters should serve themselves, the idiots their children serve us, and we to wake our wits between them all.  Dr. 
Hem quàm opportune, look if he drop not full in my dish.  Risio. 
Lupus in fabula, Dromio embrace me, hug me, kiss my hand, I must make thee fortunate.  Dro. 
Risio, honour me, kneel down to me, kiss my feet, I must make thee blessed.  Ri. 
My master old Stellio hath a fool to his daughter.  Dro. 
Nay my master old Memphio hath a fool to his son.  Ri. 
I must convey a contract.  Dro. 
And I must convey a contract.  Ri. 
Between her and Memphio's son, without speaking one to another.  Dro. 
Between him and Stellio's daughter without one speaking to the other.  Ri. 
Dost thou mock me Dromio?  Dro. 
Thou dost me else.  Ri. 
Not I for all this is true.  Dro. 
And all this.  Ri. 
Then are we both driven to our wits ends, for if either of them had been wise, we might have tempered, if no marriage, yet a close marriage.  Dro. 
Well, let us sharpen our accounts, there's no better grindstone for a young man's head; than to have it whet upon an old man's purse. Oh thou shalt see my knavery shave like a razor!  Ris. 
Thou for the edge, and I the point will make the fool bestride our mistress backs, and then have at the bag with the dudgeon haft, that is, at the dudgeon dagger, by which hangs his tantony pouch.  Drom. 
These old huddles have such strong purses with locks, when they shut them they go off like a snaphance.  Ris. 
The old fashion is best, a purse with a ring round about it, as a circle to course a knaves hand from it: but Dromio, two they say may keep counsel is one be away: but to convey knavery, two are too few, and four too many.  Dro. 
And in good time, look where Halfpenny Sperantus' boy cometh, though bound up in decimo sexto for carriage, yet a wit in folio for cozenage: Single Halfpenny, what news are now currant?  Enter Halfpenny. Halfpenny. 
Nothing but that such double custrels as you be are counterfeit?  Ris. 
Are you so dapper, we'll send you for an Halfpenny loaf.  Halfepen. 
I shall go for silver though, when you you shall be nailed up for slips.  Dro. 
Thou art a slipstring I'll warrant.  Half. 
I hope you shall never slip string, but hang steady.  Ri. 
Dromio look here, now is my hand on my halfpenny.  Half. 
Thou liest, thou hast not a farthing to lay thy hands on, I am none of thine: but let me be wagging, my head is full of hammers, & they have so malleted my wit, that I am almost a malcontent.  Dro. 
Why, what's the matter?  Half. 
My master hath a fine scholar to his son, Prisius a fair lass to his daughter.  Dro. 
Well.  Half 
They two love one another deadly.  Ris. 
In good time.  Half. 
The feathers have put them up, utterly disliking the match, and have appointed the one shall have Memphio's son, the other Stellio's daughter, this works like wax, but how it will fadge in the end, the hen that sits next the cock cannot tell.  Ris. 
If thou have but any spice of knavery we'll make thee happy.  Halfe. 
Tush, doubt not of mine, I am as full for my pitch as you are for yours, a wren's egg is as full of meat as a goose egg, though there be not so much in it: you shall find this head well stuffed, though there went little stuff to it.  Dro. 
Laudo ingenium, I like thy sconce, then hearken: Memphio made me of his counsel about marriage of his son to Stellio's daughter, Stellio made Riscio acquainted to plot a match with Memphio's son. To be short, they be both fools.  Half. 
But they are not fools that be short, if I thought thou meantst so, Senties qui vir sim, Thou shouldst have a crow to pull.  Ri. 
Be not angry Halfpenny, for fellowship we will be all fools, and for gain all knaves. But why dost thou laugh?  Half. 
At mine own conceit and quick censure.  Ri. 
What's the matter?  Half. 
Suddenly methought you two were asses, and that the least ass was the more ass.  Ri. 
Thou art a fool, that cannot be.  Half. 
Yea, my young master taught me to prove it by learning, and so I can out of Ovid by a verse.  Ri. 
Prithee how?  Half. 
You must first for fashion sake confess yourselves to be asses.  Dro. 
Well.  Half. 
Then stand you here and you there.  Ri. 
Go to.  Half. 
Then this is the verse as I point it, Cum mala per longas invaluere moras. So you see the least ass is the more ass.  Ris. 
we'll bite thee for an ape if thou bob us like asses. But to end all, if thou wilt join with us, we will make a match between the two fools, for that must be our tasks, and thou shalt devise to couple Candius & Livia, by overreaching their fathers.  Half. 
Let me alone, Non enim mea pigra juventus, there's matter in this noddle.  Enter Lucio. 
But look where Prisius' boy comes, as fit as a pudding for a dog's mouth.  Liu. 
Pop three knaves in a sheath, I'll make it a right Tunbridge case, and be the bodkin.  Ri. 
Nay the bodkin is here already, you must be the knife.  Half. 
I am the bodkin, look well to your ears, I must boar them.  Dro. 
Mew thy tongue or we'll cut it out, this I speak representing the person of a knife, as thou didst that in shadow of a bodkin.  Liu. 
I must begone, Taedet, it irketh, Oportet, it behoveth my wits work like barm, alias yeast, alias sizing, alias rising, alias Gods good.  Hal. 
The new wine is in thine head, yet was he feign to take this metaphor from ale, and now you talk of ale, let us all to the wine.  Dro. 
four makes a mess, and we have a mess of masters that must be cozened, let us lay our heads together, they are married and cannot.  Half. 
Let us consult at the Tavern, where after to the health of Memphio, drink we to the life of Stellio, I carouse to Prisius, & brinch you mas. Sperantus, we shall cast us our accounts and discharge our stomachs, like men that can digest any thing.  Lu. 
I see not yet what you go about.  Dro. 
Lucio that can pierce a mud wall of twenty foot thick, would make us believe he cannot see a candle through a paper lantern, his knavery is beyond Ela, & yet he says he knows not Gamut.  Lu. 
I am ready, if any cozenage be ripe, I'll shake the tree.  Half. 
Nay, I hope to see thee so strong, to shake three trees at once.  Dro. 
We burn time, for I must give a reckoning of my days work, let us close to the bush ad deliberandum.  Half. 
In deed Inter pocula philosophundum, it is good to plea among pots.  Ri. 
Thine will be the worst, I fear we shall leave a halfpenny in hand.  Half. 
Why, sayest thou that thou hast left a print deeper in thy hand already than a halfpenny can leave, unless it should sing worse than an hot iron.  Lu. 
All friends, and so let us sing 'tis a pleasant thing to go into the tavern, cleared the throat.  

Song.  Omnes. 
IO Bacchus! To thy Table.  
Thou call'st every drunken  
Rabble,  
We already are stiff Drinkers,  
Then seal us for thy jolly skinkers.  Dro. 
Wine, O Wine!  
O juice Divine!  
How dost thou the noll refine!  Ris. 
Plump thou mak'st men's Ruby faces,  
And from Girls canst fetch embraces;  Half. 
By thee our Noses swell,  
With sparkling Carbuncle.  Luc. 
O the dear blood of Grapes,  
Turns us to Antic shapes,  
Now to show tricks like Apes.  Dro. 
Now Lion-like to roar,  Ris. 
Now Goatishly to whore,  Half. 
Now Hoggishly i'th' mire,  Luc. 
Now flinging Hats i'th' fire,  Omnes. 
Iô Bacchus! at thy Table,  
Make us of thy Reeling Rabble.   Exeunt.  

Act. 2. Sce. 2.  Enter Memphio alone. Mem. 
I marvel I hear no news of Dromio, either he slacks the matter, or betrays his master, I dare not motion any thing to Stellio till I know what my boy hath done; I'll hunt him out; if the loitersack be gone springing into a tavern, I'll fetch him reeling out.  Exit. Enter Stellio alone. Stel. 
Without doubt Risio hath gone beyond himself, in casting beyond the Moon, I fear the boy be run mad with studying, for I know he loved me so well, that for my favour he will venture to run out of his wits, and it may be, to quicken his invention, he is gone into this Ivy-bush, a notable nest for a grape owl, I'll ferret him out, yet in the end use him friendly, I cannot be merry till I hear what's done in the marriages.  Exit. Enter Prisius alone. Pri. 
I think Lucio be gone a squirreling, but I'll squirrel him for it, I sent him on my errand, but I must go for an answer myself, I have tied up the loving worm my daughter, and will see whether fancy can worm fancy out of her head, this green nosegay I fear my boy hath smelled to, for if he get but a penny in his purse, he turns it suddenly into Argentum potabile, I must search every place for him, for I stand on thorns till I hear what he hath done.  Exit. Enter Sperantus alone. Spe. 
Well, be as be may is no banning, I think I have charmed my young master, a hungry meal, a ragged coat, & a dry cudgel, have put him quite beside his love and his logic to, besides his pigsney is put up, & therefore now I'll let him take the air, and follow Stellio's daughter with all his learning, if he mean to be my heir, the boy hath wit sance measure, more than needs, cat's meat & dog's meat enough for the vantage. Well, without Halfpenny all my wit is not worth a dodkin, that mite is miching in this grove, for as long as his name is Halfpenny, he will be banqueting, for thither Halfpenny.  Exit.  

Act. 2. Sce. 3.  Candius. Silena. Cand. 
He must needs go that the devil drives, a father, a fiend, that seeks to place affection by appointment, & to force love by compulsion, I have sworn to woo Silena, but it shall be so coldly, that she shall take as small delight in my words, as I do contentment in his commandment, I'll teach him one school trick in love. But behold who is that that cometh out of Stellio's house, it should seem to be Silena by her attire, Enter Silena .by her face I am sure it is she, oh fair face, oh lovely countenance! How now Candius, if thou begin to slip at beauty on a sudden, thou wilt surfeit with carousing it at the last. Remember that Livia is faithful, ay, and let thine eyes witness Silena is amiable, here shall I please my father and myself, I will learn to be obedient, & come what will, I'll make away, if she seem coy, I'll practise all the art of love; if I her cunning, all the pleasures of love.  Sile. 
My name is Silena I care not who know it, so I do not: my father keeps me close, so he does, and now I have stolen out, so I have, to go to old Mother Bombie to know my fortune, so I will, for I have as fair a face as ever trod on shoe sole, and as free a foot as ever looked with two eyes.  Cand. 
What, I think she is lunatic or foolish? Thou art a fool Candius, so fair a face cannot be the scabbard of a foolish mind, mad she may be, for commonly in beauty so rare, there false passions extreme, Love and beauty disdain a mean, not therefore because beauty is no virtue, but because it is happiness, and we scholars know that virtue is not to be praised, but honoured. I will put on my best grace, sweet wench thy face is lovely, thy body comely, & all that the eyes can see enchanting, you see how unacquainted I am bold to board you.  Sil. 
My father boards me already, therefore I care not if your name were Geoffrey.  Cand. 
She raves or overreaches. I am one sweet soul that loves you, brought hither by report of your beauty, and here languisheth with your rareness.  Sil. 
I thank you that you would call.  Cand. 
I will always call on such a saint, that hath power to release my sorrows, yield fair creature to love.  Sir. 
I am none of that sect.  Cand. 
The loving sect is an ancient sect and an honourable, and therefore should be in a person so perfect.  Sil. 
Much.  Cand. 
I love thee much, give me one word of comfort.  Sil. 
i'faith sir no, and so tell your master.  Cand. 
I have no master, but come to make choice of a mistress.  Si. 
Aha, are you there with your bears.  Cand. 
Doubtless she is an idiot of the newest cut, I'll once more try her. I have loved thee long Silena.  Si. 
In your t'other hose.  Cand. 
Too simple to be natural: too senseless to be artificial. You said you went to know your fortune, I am a scholar and am cunning in palmistry.  Sil. 
The better for you sir, here's my hand, what's o'clock.  Can. 
The line of life is good, Venus mount very perfect, you shall have a scholar to your first husband.  Si. 
you are well seen in carnes dirt, your father was a poulter, ha, ha, ha.  Cand. 
Why laugh you?  Sil. 
Because you should see my teeth.  Cand. 
Alas poor wench, I see now also thy folly, a fair fool is like a fresh weed, pleasing leaves and sour juice. I will not yet leave her, she may dissemble. I cannot choose but love thee.  Sil. 
I had thought to ask you.  Cand. 
Nay then farewell, either too proud to accept, or too simple to understand.  Sil. 
You need not be so crusty, you are not so hard backed.  Cand. 
Now I perceive thy folly, who hath raked together all the odd blind phrases, that help them that know not how to discourse, but when they cannot answer wisely, either with gibing cover their rudeness, or by some new coined buy word bewray their peevishness, I am glad of this, now shall I have colour to refuse the match, and my father reason to accept of Livia, I will home, and repeat to my father our wise encounter, and he shall perceive there is nothing so fulsome as a she fool.  Exit. Liu. 
Good God, I think Gentlemen had never less wit in a year. we maids are mad wenches, we gird them and flout them out of all scotch and notch, and they cannot see it, I will know of the old woman whether I be a maid or no, and then if I be not, I must needs be a man, God be here.  Enter Mother Bombie. Bom. 
whose's there.  Sil. 
One that would be a maid.  Bom: 
If thou be not, it is impossible thou shouldst be, and a shame thou art not.  Sil. 
They say you are a witch.  Bomb: 
They lie, I am a cunning woman.  Sil: 
Then tell me some thing.  Bomb: 
Hold up thy hand, not so high, thy father knows thee not, thy mother bore thee not, falsely bred, truly begot, choice of two husbands, but never tied in bands, because of love and natural bonds.  Silena: 
I thank you for nothing, because I understand nothing: though you be as old as you are, yet am I as young as I am, and because that I am so fair, therefore are you so foul, & so farewell frost, my fortune nought me cost.  Ex. Bom. 
Farewell fair fool, little dost thou know thy hard fortune, but in the end thou shalt, & that must bewray what none can discover, in the mean season I will profess cunning for all comers.  Exit.  

Act. 2. Sce. 4.  Dromio. Risio. Lucio. Halfepenie. Dro. 
We were all taken tardy.  Ris. 
Our master's will be overtaken if they tarry.  Half. 
Now must every one by wit make an excuse, and every excuse must be cozenage.  Luc. 
Let us remember our complot.  Dro. 
We will all plod on that, oh the wine hath turned my wit to vinegar.  Ri. 
You mean 'tis sharp.  Half. 
Sharp? I'll warrant 'twill serve for as good sauce to knavery as  Lu. 
As what?  Half. 
As thy knavery meat for his wit.  Dro. 
We must all give a reckoning for our days travel.  Ri. 
Tush, I am glad we scaped the reckoning for our liquour. If you be examined how we met, swear by chance, for so they met, and therefore will believe it: if how much we drunk, let them answer themselves, they know best because they paid it.  Hal. 
We must not tarry, abeundum est mihi, I must go and cast this matter in a corner.  
I presequar a bowl, and I'll come after with a broom, every one remember his que.  Ris. 
I and his k. or else we shall thrive ill.  Half. 
When shall we meet.  Ri. 
Tomorrow fresh and fasting.  Dro. 
Fast eating our meat, for we have drunk for to morrow, & to morrow we must eat for today.  Half. 
Away, away, if our masters take us here the matter is marred.  Lu. 
Let us every one to his task.  Exeunt.  

Act. 2. Sce. 5.  Memphio. Stellio. Prisius. Sperantus. Mem. 
How luckily we met on a sudden in a tavern, that drunk not together almost these thirty years.  Stel. 
A tavern is the Rendezvous, the Exchange, the staple for good fellows, I have heard my great grandfather tell how his great grandfather should say, that it was an old proverb when his great grandfather was a child, that it was a good wind that blew a man to the wine.  Pri. 
The old time was a good time, Ale was an ancient drink, and accounted of our ancestors authentical, Gascone wine was liquour for a Lord, Sack a medicine for the sick, and I may tell you, he that had a cup of red wine to his oysters, was hoisted in the queen's subsidy book.  Spe. 
ay but now you see to what looseness this age is grown; our boys carouse sack like double beer, and saith that which doth an old man good, can do a young man no harm: old men (say they) eat pap, why should not children drink sack, their white heads have cozened time out of mind our young years  Memph: 
Well, the world is wanton since I knew it first, our boys put as much now in their bellies in an hour, as would clothe their whole bodies in a year, we have paid for their tippling eight shillings, and as I have heard, it was as much as bought Rufus, sometime king of this land, a pair of hose.  Pri. 
be't possible.  Stel. 
Nay 'tis true; they say, Ale is out of request, 'tis hogs porridge, broth for beggars, a caudle for constables, watchmen's mouth glue; the better it is the more like bird lime it is; and never makes one stayed but in the stocks.  Memph: 
I'll teach my wag-halter to know grapes from barley.  Pri. 
And I mine to discern a spigot from a faucet.  Spe. 
And I mine, to judge the difference between a black bowl and a silver goblet.  Stel: 
And mine shall learn the odds between a stand and a hogshead, yet I cannot choose but laugh to see how my wag answered me, when I stroke him for drinking sack.  Pri. 
Why what said he?  Stel. 
Master, it is the sovereignest drink in the world, and the safest for all times and weathers, if it thunder, though all the Ale and Beer in the town turn, it will be constant; if it lighten, and that any fire come to it, it is the aptest wine to burn and the most wholesomest when it is burnt. So much for Summer. If it freeze, why it is so hot in operation, that no Ise can congeal it, if it rain, why then he that cannot abide the heat of it, may put in water. So much for winter. And so ran his way, but I'll overtake him.  Spe. 
Who would think that my hop on my thumb, Halfpenny, scarce so high as a pint pot, would reason the matter; but he learned his leer of my son, his young master, whom I have brought up at Oxford, and I think must learn here in Kent at Ashford.  Memph. 
Why what said he?  Spe. 
He boldly rapt it out, Sine Cree & Baccho friget Venus, without wine and sugar his veins would wax cold.  Memph. 
They were all in a pleasant vain, but I must be gone, and take account of my boy's business, farewell neighbours, God knows when we shall meet again, yet I have discovered nothing, my wine hath been my wits friend, I long to hear what Dromio hath done.  Exit. Stel. 
I cannot stay, but this good fellowship shall cost me the setting on at our next meeting, I am glad I blabbed nothing of the marriage, now I hope to compass it, I know my boy hath been bungling about it.  Exit. Pri. 
Let us all go, for I must to my clothes that hang on the tenters, my boy shall hang with them, if he answer me not his days work.  Exit. Spe. 
If all be gone I'll not stay, Halfpenny I am sure hath done me a penny worth of good, else I'll spend his body in buying a rod.  Exit.   


Act. 3. Sce. 1.  Maestius. Serena. Maest. 
Sweet sister, I know not how it cometh to pass, but I find in myself passions more than brotherly.  Ser. 
And I dear brother find my thoughts entangled with affections beyond nature, which so flame into my distempered head, that I can neither without danger smother the fire, nor without modesty disclose my fury.  Maest. 
Our parents are poor, our love unnatural, what can then happen to make us happy?  Ser. 
Only to be content with our father's mean estate, to combat against our own intemperate desires, and yield to the success of fortune, who though she hath framed us miserable, cannot make us monstrous.  Maest. 
It is good counsel fair sister, if the necessity of love could be relieved by counsel, yet this is our comfort, that these unnatural heats have stretched themselves no further than thoughts, unhappy me that they should stretch so.  Ser. 
That which nature warranteth laws forbid, strange it seemeth in sense, that because thou art mine, therefore thou must not be mine.  Maest. 
So it is Serena, the nearer we are in blood, the further we must be from love, and the greater the kindred is, the less the kindness must be, so that between brothers & sister's superstition hath made affection cold, between stranger's custom hath bred love exquisite.  Ser. 
They say there is hard by an old cunning woman, who can tell fortunes, expound dreams, tell of things that be lost, and divine of accidents to come, she is called the good woman, who yet never did hurt.  Maest. 
Nor any good I think Serena, yet to satisfy thy mind we will see what she can say.  Ser. 
Good brother let us.  Maest. 
who is within?  Enter Mother Bombie. Bom. 
The dame of the house?  Maest. 
She might have said the beldame, for her face and years, and attire.  Ser. 
Good mother tell us, if by your cunning you can, what shall become of my brother and me.  Bom. 
Let me see your hands, and look on me steadfastly with your eyes. You shall be married to morrow hand in hand, by the laws of good nature & the land, your parents shall be glad, & give you their land, you shall each of you displace a fool, & both together must relieve a fool. If this be not true call me old fool.  Maest. 
This is my sister, marry we cannot: our parents are poor and have no land to give us, each of us is a fool to come for counsel to such an old fool.  Ser. 
These doggerel rhymes and obscure words, coming out of the mouth of such a weather-beaten witch, are thought divinations of some holy spirit, being but dreams of decayed brains; for mine own part, I would thou mightest sit on that stool till he & I marry by law.  Bom. 
I say Mother Bombie never speaks but once, and yet never spoke untruth once.  Ser. 
Come brother, let us to our poor home, this is our comfort, to bewray our passions, since we cannot enjoy our love.  Maest. 
Content sweet sister, and learn of me hereafter, that these old saws of such old hags, are but false fires to lead one out of a plain path into a deep pit.  Exeunt  

Act, 3. Sce. 2.  Dromio. Risio. Halfepenie. Luceo. Dro. 
Ingenium quondam fuerat pretiotius auro, the time was wherein wit would work like wax, and crock up gold like honey.  Ri. 
At nunc barbary est grandis habere nihil, but now wit and honesty buy nothing in the market.  Dro. 
What Risio, how spedst thou after thy potting?  Ri. 
Nay, my master rung all in the tavern, & thrust all out in the house. But how spedst thou?  Dro. 
ay, it were adays  dayes work to discourse it, he spoke nothing but sentences, but they were vengible long ones, for when one word was out, he made pause of a quarter long till he spoke another.  Ri. 
Why what did he in all that time?  Dro. 
Break interjections like wind, as eho, ho, to.  Ri. 
And what thou?  Dro. 
Answer him in his own language, as evax, vah, hui.  Ri. 
These were conjunctions rather than interjections. But what of the plot?  Dro. 
As we concluded I told him that I understood that Silena was very wise, and could sing exceedingly, that my devise was, seeing Accius his son a proper youth, & could also sing sweetly, that he should come in the nick when she was singing and answer her.  Ri. 
Excellent.  Dro. 
Then he asked how it should be devised that she might come abroad, I told that was cast already by my means, than the song being ended, and they seeing one another, noting the apparel, and marking the personages, he should call in his son for fear he should overreach his speech.  Ri. 
Very good.  Dro. 
Then that I had gotten a young Gentleman that resembled his son in years and favour, that having Accius' apparel should court Silena, whom she finding wise, would after that by small entreaty be won without more words, & so the marriage clapped up by this cozenage, and his son never speak word for himself.  Ri. 
Thou boy, so have I done in every point, for the song, the calling her in, & the hoping that another shall woo Accius, and his daughter wed him, I told him this wooing should be tonight, and they early married in the morning, without any words saving to say after the Priest.  Dro. 
All this fadges well; now if Halfpenny and Luceo have played their parts, we shall have excellent sport, and here they come. how wrought the wine my lads?  Enter Halfpenie, Luceo. Half. 
How? like wine, for my body being the roundlet, and my mouth the vent, it wrought two days over, till I had thought the hoops of my head would have flown asunder.  Lu. 
The best was, our masters were as well whittled as we, for yet they lie by it.  Ri. 
The better for us, we did but a little parboil our livers, they have sod theirs in sack these forty years.  Hal. 
That makes them spit white broth as they do. But to the purpose. Candius and Livia will send their attires, you must send the apparel of Accius and Silena, they wonder wherefore, but commit the matter to our quadrapartite wit.  Luc. 
If you keep promise to marry them by your device, and their parents consent, you shall have ten pounds a piece for your pains.  Dro. 
If we do it not we are undone, for we have broached a cozenage already, and my master hath the tap in his hand, that it must needs run out, let them he ruled and bring hither their apparel, and we will determine, the rest commit to our intricate considerations, depart.  Exeunt Halfepenie, Luceo. Enter Accius and Silena. Dro. 
Here comes Accius tuning his pipes, I perceive my master keeps touch.  Ri. 
And here comes Silena with her wit of proof▪ marry it will scarce hold out question shot, let us in to instruct our masters in the que.  Dro. 
Come let us be jogging, but wert not a world to hear them woe one another.  Ri. 
That shall be hereafter to make us sport, but our masters shall never know it.  Exeunt. Memphio and Stellio singing. 

Song.  Memp. 
O Cupid! Monarch over Kings,  
Wherefore hast thou feet and wings?  
It is to show how swift thou art,  
When thou wound'st a tender heart,  
Thy wings being clipped, and feet held still,  
Thy Bow so many could not kill.  Stel. 
It is all one in Venus' wanton school,  
Who highest sits, the wiseman or the fool:  
Fools in loves college  
Have far more knowledge,  
To Read a woman over,  
Than a neat prating lover.  
Nay, 'tis confessed,  
That fools please women best.    

Act. 3. Sce. 3.  Memphio and Stellio. Mem. 
Accius come in and that quickly; what walking without leave?  Stel. 
Silena, I pray you look homeward, it is a cold air, and you want your muffler.  Exunt Accius & Silena. Mem. 
This is pat, if the rest proceed Stellio is like to marry his daughter to a fool, but a wreath is a wreath.  Stel 
This frames to my wish; Memphio is like to marry a fool to his son; Accius' tongue shall tie all Memphio's land to Silena's dowry, let his father's teeth undo them if he can; but here I see Memphio, I must seem kind, for in kindness lies cozenage.  Me. 
Well, here is Stellio, I'll talk of other matters, & fly from the mark I shoot at, lapwing-like flying far from the place where I nestle. Stellio what make you abroad, I heard you were sick since our last drinking.  Stel. 
You see reports are no truths, I heard the like of you, & we are both well. I perceive sober men tell most lies, for in vino veritas, If they had drunk wine, they would have told the truth.  Mem. 
Our boys will be sure then never to lie, for they are ever swilling of wine, but Stellio I must strain curtsy with you, I have business, I cannot stay.  Stel. 
In good time Memphio, for I was about to crave your patience to depart, it stands me upon. Perhaps move his patience ere it be long.  Mem. 
Good silly Stel. we must buckle shortly,  Exeunt.  

Act. 3. Sce. 4.  Halfepenie. Luceo. Rixula. Dromio. Risio. Lu. 
Come Rixula we have made thee privy to the whole pack, there lay down the pack.  Rix. 
I believe unless it be better handled, we shall out of doors.  Half. 
I care not, Omnem solum forti patria, I can live in Christendom as well as in Kent.  Lu. 
And I'll sing Patria ubicunque bene, every house is my home▪ where I may staunch hunger.  Rix. 
Nay, if you set all on hazard, though I be a poor wench I am as hardy as you both▪ I cannot speak Latin, but in plain English if any thing fall out cross I'll run away,  Half. 
He loves thee well that would run after.  Rix. 
Why Halfpenny, there's no goose so grey in the lake, that cannot find a gander for her make.  Lu. 
I love a nutbrown lass, 'tis good to recreate.  Half. 
Thou meanest, a brown nut is good to crack.  Lu. 
Why would it not do thee good to crack such a nut?  Hal: 
I fear she is wormeaten within, she is so motheaten without.  Rix. 
If you take your pleasure of me, I'll in and tell your practises against your masters.  Half. 
In faith sour heart, he that takes his pleasure on thee is very pleasurable.  Rix. 
You mean knavishly, and yet I hope foul water will quench hot fire as soon as fair.  Half. 
Well then let fair words cool that choler, which foul speeches hath kindled, and because we are all in this case, and hope all to have good fortune, sing a roundelay, and we'll help, such as thou wast wont when thou beatest hemp.  Lu. 
It was crabs she stamped, and stole away one to make her a face.  Rix. 
I agree in hope that the hemp shall come to your wearing, a halfpenny halter may hang you both, that is, Halfpenny and you may hang in a halter.  Half. 
Well brought about.  Rix. 
'twill when 'tis about your neck.  Lu. 
Nay, now she's in, she will never out.  Rix. 
Nor when your heads are in, as it is likely, they should not come out. But hearken to my song, Cantant.  

Song.  Rix. 
Full hard I did sweat,  
When hemp I did beat.  
Then thought I of nothing but hanging,  
The hemp being spun,  
My beating was done,  
Than I wished for a noise  
Of crack-halter Boys,  
On Those hempen strings to be twanging.  
Long looked I about.  
The City throughout,  4 Pag. 
And found no such fiddling varlets.  Rix. 
Yes, at last coming hither,  
I saw four together.  4. Pag. 
May thy hemp choke such singing harlots.  Rix. 
To whit to who, the Owl does cry,  
Phip, phip, the sparrows as they fly,  
The goose does hiss, the duck cries quack.  
A Rope the Parrot, that holds tack.  4. Pa. 
The parrot and the rope be thine.  Rix. 
The hanging yours, but the hemp mine.   Enter Dromio, Risio. Dr. 
Yonder stands the wags, I am come in good time.  Ri. 
All here before me, you make haste.  Rix. 
I believe to hanging, for I think you have all robbed your masters, here's every man his baggage.  Hal. 
That is, we are all with thee, for thou art a very baggage.  Rix. 
Hold thy peace, or of mine honesty I'll buy an halfpenny purse with thee.  Dro. 
In deed that's big enough to put thy honesty in, but come shall we go about the matter?  Lu. 
Now it is come to the pinch my heart pants.  Half. 
I for my part am resolute, in utranque paratus, ready to die or to run away.  Lu. 
But hear me, I was troubled with a vile dream, and therefore it is little time spent to let Mother Bomby expound it, she is cunning in all things.  Dro. 
Then will I know my fortune.  Rix. 
And I'll ask for a silver spoon which was lost last day, which I must pay for.  Ri. 
And I'll know what will become of our devices.  Half. 
And I.  Dro. 
Then let us all go quickly, we must not sleep in this business, our masters are so watchful about it.  Bom. 
Why do you rap so hard at the door?  Dro. 
Because we would come in.  Bomb. 
Nay my house is no Inn.  Half. 
Cross yourselves, look how she looks.  Dro. 
Mark her not, she'll turn us all to Apes.  Bom: 
What would you with me?  Ri. 
They say you are cunning, & are called the good woman of Rochester.  Bom. 
If never to do harm be to do good, I dare say I am not ill. But what's the matter?  Lu. 
I had a ill dream, & desire to know the signification.  Bom. 
Dreams my son have their weight, though they be of a troubled mind, yet are they signs of fortune. Say on.  Lu. 
In the dawning of the day, for about that time by my starting out of my sleep I found it to be, methought I saw a stately piece of beef, with a cape cloak of cabbage, embroidered with pepper, having two honourable pages with hats of mustard on their heads, himself in great pomp sitting upon a cushion of white Brewish, lined with brown Bread, methought being powdered he was much troubled with the salt rheum, & therefore there stood by him two great flagons of sack and beer, the one to dry up his rheum, the other to quench his choler, I as one envying his ambition, hungering and thirsting after his honour, began to pull his cushion from under him, hoping by that means to give him a fall, & with putting out my hand awaked, & found nothing in all this dream about me but the salt rheum.  Dro. 
A dream for a butcher.  Lu. 
Soft let me end it, than I slumbered again, & methought there came in a leg of mutton.  Dro. 
What all gross meat, a rack had been dainty.  Lu. 
Thou fool how could it come in, unless it had been a leg, methought his hose were cut & drawn out with parsley, I thrust my hand into my pocket for a knife thinking to hox him, and so awaked.  Bomb. 
Belike thou went'st supperless to bed.  Lu. 
So I do every night but sundays, Prisius hath a weak stomach, and therefore we must starve.  Bom. 
Well, take this for answer, though the dream be fantastical, they that in the morning sleep dream of eating, are in danger of sickness, or of beating, or shall hear of a wedding fresh a beating.  Lu. 
This may be true.  Half. 
Nay then let me come in with a dream, short but sweet, that my mouth waters ever since I waked: methought there sat upon a shelf three damask prunes in velvet caps and priest satin gowns like judges, and that there were a whole handful of curants to be arraigned of a riot, because they clinged together in such clusters, twelve raisins of the sun were impanelled in a jewry, and as a leaf of whole maze which was bailiff was carrying the quest to consult, methought there came an angry cook, and gelded the jewry of their stones, and swept both judges, jurors, rebels and bailiff into a porridge pot, whereat I being melancholy, fetched a deep sigh, that waked myself and my bed fellow.  Dro. 
This was devised not dreamt, and the more foolish being no dream, for that dreams excuse the fantasticalness.  Half. 
Then ask my bedfellow, you know him, who dreamed that night that the king of diamonds was sick.  Bom. 
But thy years and humours pretty child, are subject to such fancies, which the more unsensible they seem, the more fantastical they are, therefore this dream is easy. To children this is given from the Gods to dream of milk, fruit, babies and rods, they betoken nothing but that wantonness must have rods.  Dro. 
Ten to one thy dream is true, thou wilt be swinged.  Rix. 
Nay gammer, I pray you tell me who stole my spoon out of the buttery.  Bom. 
Thy spoon is not stolen but mislaid, thou art an ill housewife though a good maid, look for thy spoon where thou hadst like to be no maid.  Rix. 
Body of me let me fetch the spoon, I remember the place.  Lu. 
Soft swift, the place if it be there now, it will be there to morrow.  Rix. 
ay but perchance the spoon will not.  Half. 
Wert thou once put to it?  Rix. 
No sir boy, it was put to me.  Lu. 
How was it must?  Dro. 
I'll warrant for want of a mist. But what's my fortune▪ mother?  Bom. 
Thy father doth live because he doth die, thou hast spent all thy thrist with a die, and so like a beggar thou shalt die.  Ri. 
I would have liked well if all the gerunds had been there, di, do, and dumb, but all in die, that's too deadly.  Dro. 
My father in deed is a dyer, but I have been a dicer, but to die a beggar, give me leave not to believe Mother Bombie, and yet it may be, I have nothing to live by but knavery, and if the world grow honest welcome beggary. But what hast thou to say Risio?  Ri. 
Nothing till I see whether all this be true that she hath said.  Half. 
I Risio would fain see thee beg.  Ri. 
Nay mother tell us this, What is all our fortunes, we are about a matter of legerdemain, how will it fadge?  Bom. 
You shall all thrive like cozeners, that is, to be cozened by cozeners: all shall end well, and you be found cozeners.  Dro. 
Gramercy Mother Bombie, we are all pleased, if you were for your pains.  Bom. 
I take no money, but good words, rail not if I tell true, if I do not revenge. Farewell. Exit Bom.  Dro. 
Now have we nothing to do but to go about this business, Accius' apparel let Candius put on, and I will array Accius with Candius clothes.  Ri. 
Here is Silena's attire, Linceo put it upon Livia, and give me Livia's for Silena, this done, let Candius & Livia come forth, and let Dromio and me alone for the rest.  Half. 
What shall become of Accius and Silena?  Dro. 
Tush, their turn shall be next, all must be done orderly, let's to it, for now it works.  Exeunt.   


Act. 4. Sce. 1.  Candius, Livia, Dromio, Risio, Sperantus, Prisius. Liu. 
This attire is very fit. But how if this make me a fool and Silena wise, you will then woo me and wed her.  Cand. 
Thou knowest that Accius is also a fool, and his raiment fits me, so that if apparel be infectious, I am also like to be a fool, and he wist what would be the conclusion, I marvel  Enter Dromio, Risio. Li. 
Here comes our counsellors.  Dro. 
Well said, I perceive turtles fly in couples.  Ri. 
Else how should they couple?  Liu. 
So do knaves go double; else how should they be so cunning in doubling.  Cand. 
Bona verba Livia.  Dro. 
I understand Latin, that is, Livia is a good word.  Can. 
No, I bid her use good words.  Ri. 
And what deeds?  Can. 
None but a deed of gift.  Ri. 
What gift?  Can. 
Her heart.  Dro. 
Give me leave to pose you though you be a graduate, for I tell you we in Rochester spur so many hackneys, that we must needs spur scholars, for we take them for hackneys.  Liu. 
Why so sir boy?  Dro. 
Because I knew two hired for ten groats a piece to say service on sunday, and that's no more than a post-horse from hence to Canterbury.  Ri. 
He knows what he says, for he once served the postmaster.  Cand. 
In deed I think he served some post to his master, but come Dromio post me.  Dro. 
You say you would have her heart for a deed.  Cand. 
Well.  Dro. 
If you take her heart for cour, that heart in her body, then know this, Molle eiuslevibus, Cour enim inviolabile telis, A woman's heart is thrust through with a feather: if you mean she should give a heart named Ceruus, then are you worse, for cornua ceruus habet, that is, to have ones heart grow out at his head, which will make one ache at the heart in their body.  Enter Prisius, Sperantus. Liu. 
I beshrew your hearts, I hear one coming, I know it is my father by his coming.  Cand. 
What must we do?  Dro. 
Why as I told you, and let me alone with the old men, fall you to your bridal.  Pri. 
Come neighbour, I perceive the love of our children waxeth key cold.  Spe. 
I think it was never but lukewarm.  Pri. 
Bavins will have their flashes, and youth their fancies, the one as soon quenched as the other burnt, but who be these?  Cand. 
Here I do plight my faith, taking thee for the staff of my age, and of my youth my solace.  Liu. 
And I vow to thee affection which nothing can dissolve, neither the length of time, nor malice of fortune, not distance of place.  Cand. 
But when shall we be married?  Liu. 
A good question, for that one delay in wedding brings an hundred dangers in the Church, we will not be asked, and a licence is to chargeable, and to tarry till tomorrow too tedious.  Dro 
There's a girl stands on pricks till she be married.  Cand. 
To avoid danger, charge, and tediousness, let us now conclude it in the next Church.  Liu. 
Agreed.  Pri. 
What be these that hasten so to marry?  Dro. 
Marry sir, Accius' son to Memphio, and Silena Stellio's daughter.  Spe. 
I am sorry neighbour, for our purposes are disappointed.  Pri. 
You see marriage is destiny, made in heaven, though consummated on earth.  Ri. 
How like you them, be they not a pretty couple?  Pri. 
Yes God give them joy, seeing in spite of our hearts they must join.  Dro. 
I am sure you are not angry, seeing things past cannot be recalled, and being witnesses to their contract, will be also well-willers to the match.  Spe. 
For my part I wish them well.  Pri. 
And I, and since there is no remedy, that I am glad of it.  Ri. 
But will you never hereafter take it in dudgeon, but use them as well as though yourselves had made the marriage.  Pri. 
Not, I.  Spe. 
Nor I.  Dro. 
Sir, here's two old men are glad that your loves so long continued, is so happily concluded.  Cand. 
we thank them, and if they will come to Memphio's house they shall take part of a bad dinner. This cottons, and works like wax in a sows ear.  Exeunt Candius, Livia. Pri. 
Well, seeing our purposes are prevented, we must lay other plots, for Livia shall not have Candius.  Spe. 
Fear not, for I have sworn that Candius shall not have Livia. But let not us fall out because our children fall in.  Pri. 
Wilt thou go soon to Memphio's house?  Spe. 
I and if you will let us, that we may see how the young couple bride it, and so we may teach our own.  Exeunt.  

Act. 4. Sce. 2.  Accius, Silena, Lineeo, Halfepenie. Lin. 
By this time I am sure, the wags have played their parts, there rests nothing now for us but to match Accius and Silena  Half. 
It was too good to be true, for we should laugh heartily, and without laughing my spleen would split, but whist here comes the man, Enter Accius .and yonder the maid, let us stand aside.  Enter Silena. Acc. 
What means my father to thrust me forth in another's boys' coat? I'll warrant 'tis to as much purpose as a hem in the forehead.  Half. 
There was an ancient proverb knocked in the head.  Acc. 
I am almost come into mine nonage, and yet I never was so far as the proverbs of this city.  Lin. 
There's a quip for the suburbs of Rochester.  Half. 
Excellently applied.  Sil. 
Well, though this furniture make me a sullen dame, yet I hope in mine own I am no saint.  Half. 
A brave fight is like to be between a cock with a long comb, and a hen with a long leg.  Lin. 
Nay her wits are shorter than her legs.  Half. 
And his comb longer than his wit.  Acc. 
I have yonder uncovered a fair girl, I'll be so bold as spur her, what might a body call her name?  Sil. 
I cannot help you at this time, I pray you come again tomorrow.  Half. 
I marry sir.  Acc. 
You need not be so lusty, you are not so honest.  Silena. 
I cry you mercy I took you for a joined stool.  Linceo. 
here's courting for a conduit or a bakehouse.  Sil. 
But what are you for a man? methinks you look as pleaseth God.  Acc. 
What do you give me the boots?  Half. 
Whether will they, here be right cobblers cuts.  Acc. 
I am taken with a fit of love: Have you any mind of marriage?  Sil: 
I had thought to have asked you.  Acc. 
Upon what acquaintance?  Sil: 
Who would have thought it?  Acc. 
Much in my gascoins, more in my round hose, all my fathers are as white as daisies, as an egg full of meat.  Sil. 
And all my father's plate is made of Crimosin velvet.  Acc. 
That brave with bread.  Halfpenny: 
These three had wise men to their Fathers.  Lin: 
Why?  Half. 
Because when their bodies were at work about household stuff, their minds were busied about commonwealth matters.  Acc. 
This is pure lawn: What call you this, a preface to your hair?  Sil. 
Wisely you have picked a raisin out of a frail of figs.  Ac. 
Take it as you list, you are in your own clothes.  Sil. 
Saving a reverence that's a lie, my clothes are better, my father borrowed these.  Acc. 
Long may he so do. I could tell that these are not mine if I would blab it like a woman.  Si. 
I had as lief you should tell them it snowed.  Lu. 
Come let us take them off, for we have had the cream of them.  Half. 
I'll warrant if this be the cream, the milk is very flat, let us join issue with them.  Lu. 
To have such issues of our bodies, is worse than have an issue in the body. God save you pretty mouse.  Sil. 
You may command and go without.  Half. 
There's a gleek for you, let me have my gird, on thy conscience tell me what 'tis o'clock?  Sil. 
I cry you mercy I have killed your cushion.  Half. 
I am paid stroke dead in the nest, I am sure this soft youth who is not half so wise as you are fair, nor you altogether so fair as he is foolish, will not be so captious.  Ac. 
Your eloquence pass my recognizance.  Enter Memphio, Stellio. Lu. 
I never heard that before, but shall we two make a match between you?  Si. 
I'll know first who was his father.  Ac. 
My father, what need you to care, I hope he was none of yours.  Half. 
A hard question, for it is odds but one begat them both, he that cut out the upper leather, cut out the inner, & so with one awl stitched two soles together.  Mem. 
What is she?  Half. 
'tis Prisius' daughter.  Mem. 
In good time it fadges.  Stel. 
What is he?  Lin. 
Sperantus' son.  Stel. 
So 'twill cotton.  Acc. 
Damsel, I pray you how old are you?  Mem. 
My son would scarce have asked such a foolish question.  Sil. 
I shall be eighteen next bear-baiting.  Stel. 
My daughter would have made a wiser answer.  Half. 
O how fitly this comes of!  Acc. 
My father is a scold, what's yours?  Mem. 
My heart throbs, I look him in the face, and yonder I espy Stellio.  Stel. 
My mind misgives me, but whist, yonder is Memphio.  Acc. 
In faith I perceive an old saw and a rusty, no fool to the old fool. I pray you wherefore was I thrust out like a scar crow in this similitude.  Mem. 
My son and I ashamed, Dromio shall die.  Sil. 
Father are you sneaking behind, I pray you what must I do next?  Stel. 
My daughter, Risio thou hast cozened me.  Lin. 
Now begins the game.  Mem. 
How came you hither?  Acc. 
marry by the way from your house hither?  Mem. 
How chance in this attire?  Acc 
How chance Dromio bid me?  Memph. 
Ah thy son will be begged for a concealed fool.  Acc. 
Will I, i'faith sir no.  Stel. 
Wherefore came you hither Silena without leave?  Si. 
Because I did, and I am here because I am.  Stel. 
Poor wench, thy wit is improved to the uttermost.  Half. 
ay, 'tis an hard matter to have a wit of the old rent, every one racks his commons so high.  Memo. 
Dromio told me that one should meet Stellio's daughter, and court her in person of my son.  Stel. 
Risio told me one should meet Memphio's son, and plead in place of my daughter.  Mem. 
But alas I see that my son hath met with Silena himself, and bewrayed his folly.  Stel. 
But I see my daughter hath prattled with Accius, and discovered her simplicity.  Lin. 
A brave cry to hear the two old mules weep over the young fools.  Mem. 
Accius how likest thou Silena.  Acc. 
I take her to be pregnant.  Sil. 
Truly his talk is very personable.  Stel. 
Come in girl, this gear must be fetched about.  Mem. 
Come Accius, let us go in.  Lin. 
Nay sir there is no harm done, they have neither bought nor sold, they may be twins for their wits and years.  Mem. 
But why didst thou tell me it was Prisius' son?  Hal. 
Because I thought thee a fool, to ask who thine own son was.  Lin. 
And so sir for your daughter, education hath done much, otherwise they are by nature soft witted enough.  Mem. 
Alas their joints are not yet tied, they are not yet come to years and discretion.  Acc. 
Father, if my hands be tied shall I grow wise?  Half. 
I and Silena to, if you tie them fast to your tongues.  Sil. 
You may take your pleasure of my tongue, for it is no man's wife.  Mem. 
Come in Accius.  Ste. 
Come in Silena, I will talk with Memphio's son, but as for Risio.  Memp 
As for Dromio.  Exeunt Memphio, Accius, Stellio, Silena. Half. 
Ass for you all four,  Enter Dromio, Risio. Dro. 
How goes the world, now we have made all sure, Candius and Livia are married, their fathers consenting, yet not knowing.  Lin. 
We have flat marred all, Accius and Silena courted one another, their fathers took them napping, both are ashamed, and you both shall be swinged.  Ri. 
Tush, let us alone, we will persuade them that all falls out for the best, for if underhand this match had been concluded, they both had been cozened, and now seeing they find both to be fools, they may be both better advised. But why is Halfepenle so sad?  Enter Hackneyman, Sergeant. Halfpenny. 
Because I am sure I shall never be a penny.  Ri. 
Rather pray there be no fall of money, for thou wilt then go for a que.  Dro. 
But did not the two fools currently court one another.  Lin. 
Very good words fitly applied, brought in in the nick.  Serg. 
I arrest you.  Dro. 
Me sir, why then didst not bring a stool with thee, that I might sit down?  Hack. 
He arrests you at my suit for a horse.  Ri. 
The more Ass he, if he had arrested a mare in stead of an horse, it had been but a slight oversight, but to arrest a man that hath no likeness of a horse, is flat lunacy or alecie.  Hack. 
Tush, I hired him a horse.  Dro. 
I swear then he was well ridden.  Hack. 
I think in two days he was never baited.  Half. 
Why was it a bear thou ridst on?  Hack. 
I mean he never gave him bait.  Lin. 
Why he took him for no fish.  Hack. 
I mistake none of you when I take you for fools, I say thou never gavest my horse meat.  Dro. 
Yes, in four and forty hours I am sure he had a bottle of hay as big as his belly.  Serg. 
Nothing else, thou shouldest have given him provender.  Ri. 
Why he never asked for any.  Hack. 
Why, dost thou think an horse can speak?  Dro. 
No, for I spurred him till my heels ached, and he said never a word.  Hack. 
Well, thou shalt pay sweetly for spoiling him, it was as lusty a nag as any in Rochester, and one that would stand upon no ground.  Dro. 
Then is he as good as ever he was, I'll warrant, he'll do nothing but lie down.  Hack. 
I lent him thee gently.  Dro. 
And I restored him so gently, that he neither would cry wyhie nor wag the tail.  Hack. 
But why didst thou boar him through the ears?  Lin. 
It may be he was set on the pillory, because he had not a true pace.  Half. 
No, it was for tiring.  Hack. 
He would never tire, it may be he would be so weary he would go no further, or so.  Dro. 
Yes he was a notable horse for service, he would tire and retire.  Hack. 
Do you think I'll be jested out of my horse, Sergeant wreak thy office on him.  Ri. 
Nay stay, let him be bailed.  Hack. 
So he shall when I make him a wreath.  Dro. 
It was a very good horse I must needs confess, and now hearken to his qualities, and have patience to hear them since I must pay for him: He would stumble three hours in one mile, I had thought I had rode upon addeces between this and canterbury: if one gave him water, why he would lie down & bathe himself like a hawk: if one ran him, he would simper and mump, as though he had gone a-wooing to a malt mare at Rochester: he trotted before and ambled behind, and was so obedient, that he would do duty every minute on his knees, as though every stone had been his father.  Hack 
I am sure he had no diseases.  Dro. 
A little rheum or pose, he lacked nothing but an handkercher.  Serg. 
Come, what a tale of a horse have we here, I can not stay, thou must with me to prison.  Ri. 
If thou be a good fellow hackneyman, take all our four bonds for the payment, thou knowest we are town borne children, and will not shrink the city for a pelting jade.  Half. 
I'll enter into a statute Merchant to see it answered. But if thou wilt have bonds, thou shalt have a bushel full.  Hack. 
Alas poor Ant, thou bound in a statute merchant: a brown thread will bind thee fast enough: but if you will be content all four jointly to enter into a bond, I will withdraw the action.  Dro. 
Yes I'll warrant they will, How say you?  Half. 
I yield.  Ri. 
And I.  Lin. 
And I.  Hack. 
Well call the Scrivener.  Ser. 
here's one hard by, I'll call him.  Ri. 
A scriveners shop hangs to Sergeants mase, like a burr to a freeze coat.  Scri. 
What's the matter?  Hack. 
You must take a note of a bond.  Dro. 
Nay a pint of courtesy pulls on a pot of wine, in this Tavern we'll dispatch.  Hack. 
Agreed.  Exeunt. Ri. 
Now if our wits be not in the wain, our knavery shall be at the full, they will ride them worse than Dromio rid his horse, for if the wine master their wits, you shall see them bleed their follies.  Exit.   


Act. 5. Sce. 1.  Dro, Risio, Linceo, Halfpenie. Dro. 
Every fox to his hole, the hounds are, at hand.  Ri. 
The sergeant's mase lies at pawn for the reckoning, and he under the board to cast it up.  Lin. 
The Scrivener cannot keep his pen out of the pot, every goblet is an inkhorn.  Hal. 
The hackneyman he whisks with his wand, as if the Tavern were his stable, and all the servants his horses, lost there up bay Richard, and white loaves are horsebread in his eyes.  Dro. 
It is well I have my acquittance, and he such a bond as shall do him no more good than the bond of a faggot, our knaveries are now come to the push, and we must cunningly dispatch all, we two will go see how we may appease our masters, you two how you may conceal the late marriage, if all fall out amiss, the worst is beating, if to the best, the worst is liberty.  Ri. 
Then let's about it speedily, for so many irons in the together require a diligent plumber.  Exeunt.  

Act. 5. Sce. 2.  Vicinia. Bombie. Vic. 
My heart throbs, my ears tingle, my mind misgives me, since I hear such muttering of marriages in Rochester, my conscience which these eighteen years hath been frozen with congealed guiltiness, begins now to thaw in open grief, but I will not accuse myself till I see more danger, the good old woman Mother Bombie shall try her cunning upon me, and if I perceive my case is desperate by her then will I rather prevent, although with shame, then report too late, and be inexcusable. God speed good mother.  Bom. 
Welcome sister.  Vin. 
I am troubled in the night with dreams, and in the day with fears, mine estate bare, which I cannot well bear, but my practises devilish, which I cannot recall, if therefore in these same years there be any deep skill, tell what my fortune shall be, and what my fault is.  Bom. 
In studying to be overnatural thou art like to be unnatural, and all about a natural: thou shalt be eased of a charge if thou thy conscience discharge, and this I commit to thy charge.  Vic. 
Thou hast touched me to the quick mother, I understand thy meaning, and thou well knowest my practice, I will follow thy counsel. But what will be the end?  Bom. 
Thou shalt know before this day end, farewell.  Exit Bom. Vic. 
Now I perceive I must either bewray a mischief, or suffer a continual inconvenience, I must haste homewards, and resolve to make all whole, better a little shame than an infinite grief, the strangeness will abate the fault, and the bewraying wipe it clean away.  Exit.  

Act. 5. Sce. 3.  Three Fiddlers. Synis, Nasutus, Beduneus. Syn. 
Come fellows, 'tis almost day, let us have a fit of mirth at Sperantus' door, and give a song to the bride.  Nas. 
I believe they are asleep, it were pity to awake them.  Bed. 
'twere a shame they should sleep the first night.  Syn. 
But who can tell at which house they lie, at Prisius it may be, we'll try both.  Na. 
Come let's draw like men.  Syn. 
Now, tune, tune I say, that boy I think will never profit in his faculty, he loses his rosin, that his fiddle goes cush, cush, like as one should go wet-shod, and his mouth so dry, that he hath not spital for his pin as I have.  Bed. 
marry sir you see I go wet-shod and dry mouthed, for yet could I never get new shoes or good drink, rather than I'll lead this life, I throw my fiddle into the leads for a hobbler.  Syn. 
Boy, no more words, there's a time for all things though I say it that should not, I have been a minstrel these thirty years, and tickled more strings than thou hast hairs, but yet was never so misused.  Nas. 
Let us not brabble but play, tomorrow is a new day.  Bed. 
I am sorry I speak in your cast, what shall we sing?  Syn. 
The love knot, for that's best for a bridal. Sing. God morrow fair bride, and send you joy of your bridal.  Sperantus looks out. Spe. 
What a mischief make the twanglers here? we have no trenchers to scrape, it makes my teeth on edge to hear such grating. Get you packing, or I'll make you wear double stocks, and yet you shall be never the warmer.  Syn. 
We come for good will, to bid the bride and bride groom, God give them joy.  Spe. 
Hers no wedding.  Syn. 
Yes your son and Prisius' daughter were married, though you seem strange, yet they repent it not I am sure.  Spe. 
My son villain, I had rather he were fairly hanged.  Nas. 
So he is sir, you have your wish.  Enter Candius. Can. 
Here fiddlers take this and not a word, here is no wedding, it was at Memphio's house, yet gramercy, your music though it missed the house hit the mind, we were a preparing our wedding gear.  Syn. 
I cry you mercy sir, I think it was Memphio's son that was married.  Spe. 
O ho the case is altered, go thither then and be haltered for me.  Nas. 
What's the alms?  Syn. 
An Angel.  Bed. 
I'll warrant there's some work towards, ten shillings is money in master majors purse.  Syn. 
Let us to Memphio's and share equally, when we have done all thou shalt have new shoes.  Bed. 
I such as they cry at the Sizes, a mark in issues, and mark in issues, and yet I never saw so much leather as would piece one's shoes.  Syn. 
No more, there's the money.  Bed. 
A good handsel, and I think the maidenhead of your liberality.  Nas. 
Come here's the house, what shall we sing?  Syn. 
You know Memphio is very rich and wise, and therefore let us strike the gentle stroke, and sing a catch.  Sing. 

Song.  All 3. 
THe Bride this Night can catch no cold,  
No cold, the bridegroom's young, not old,  
Like ivy he her fast does hold,  1. Fid. 
And clips her.  2. 
And lips her.  3. 
And flips her too.  All 3. 
Then let them alone, They know what they do.  1. 
At laugh and lie down, if they play,  2. 
What Ass against the sport can bray?  3. 
Such tick-tack has held many a day,  1. 
And longer.  2. 
And stronger.  3. 
It still holds too.  All 3. 
Then let them alone, They know what they do,  
This Night,  
In delight  
Does thump away sorrow.  
Of billing  
Take your filling,  
So good morrow, good morrow.   Nas. 
God morrow mistress bride and send you a huddle.  Mem. 
What crowding knaves have we there, case up your fiddles, or the constable shall cage you up. What bride talk you of?  Syn. 
Here's a wedding in Rochester, and 'twas told me first that Sperantus' son had married Prisius' daughter, we were there, and they sent us to your worship, saying your son was matched with Stellio's daughter.  Mem. 
Hath Sperantus that churl nothing to do but mock his neighbours, I'll be even with him, and get you gone, or I swear by the roods body I'll lay you by the heels.  Nas. 
Sing a catch, here's a fair catch in deed, sing till we catch cold on our feet, and be called knave till our ears glow on our heads, your worship is wise sir.  Mem. 
Dromio shake off a whole kennel of officers, to punish these jarring rogues, I'll teach them to stretch their dried sheeps guts at my door, and to mock one that stands to be maior.  Dro. 
I had thought they had been sticking of pigs, I heard such a squeaking, I go sir.  Syn. 
Let us be packing.  Nas. 
Where is my scabbard, every one sheath his science.  Bed. 
A bots on the shoemaker that made this boot for my fiddle, 'tis too straight.  Syn. 
No more words, 'twill be thought they were the four waits, and let them wring, as or the wags that set us on work, we'll talk with them.  Exeunt. Memphio, Dromio. Dro. 
They be gone sir.  Mem. 
If they had stayed, the stocks should have stayed them. But sirrah, what shall we now do?  Dro. 
As I advised you make a match, for better one house be cumbered with two fools than two.  Mem. 
'tis true, for it being bruited that each of us have a fool, who will tender marriage to any of them that is wise, besides fools are fortunate, fools are fair, fools are honest.  Dro. 
ay sir, and more than that, fools are not wise: a wise man is melancholy for moonshine in the water, careful building castles in the air, & commonly hath a fool to his heir.  Mem. 
But what sayest thou to thy dames chasing?  Dro. 
Nothing but all her dishes are chasing dishes.  Mem. 
I would her tongue were in thy belly.  Dro, 
I had as lief have a raw neats tongue in my stomach.  Mem. 
Why?  Dro. 
marry if the clapper hang within an inch of my heart, that makes mine ears burn a quarter of a mile off. Do you not think it would beat my heart black and blue?  Memp. 
Well patience is a virtue, but pinching is worse than any vice, I will break this matter to Stellio, and if he be willing, this day shall be their wedding.  Dro. 
Then this day shall be my liberty.  Mem. 
I if Stellio's daughter had been wise, and by my means cozened of a fool.  Dro. 
Then sir I'll revolt, and dash out the brains of your devices.  Memph. 
Rather thou shalt be free.  Exeunt. Sperantus, Halfepenie, Prisius, Linceo. Spe. 
Boy, this smoke is a token of some fire, I like not the luck of it. Wherefore should these minstrels dream of a marriage?  Hal. 
Alas sir they rustle into every place, give credit to no such words.  Spe. 
I will to Prisius, I cannot be quiet, and in good time I meet him, God morrow neighbour.  Pri. 
I cast the morrow in thy fate, & bid good night to all neighbourhood.  Spe. 
This is your old trick, to pick one's purse & then to pick quarrels, I tell thee, I had rather thou shouldest rob my chest than embezzle my son.  Pri. 
Thy son, my daughter is seduced, for I hear say she is married, and our boys can tell. How sayest thou, tell the truth or I'll grind thee to powder in my mill, Be they married?  Lin. 
True it is they were both in a church.  Pri. 
That no fault, the place is holy.  Half. 
And there was with them a priest.  Sp. 
Why what place fitter for a priest than a church?  Lin. 
And they took one another by the hand.  Pri. 
Trush, that's but common courtesy.  Half. 
And the priest spoke many kind words.  Spe. 
That showed he was no dumb minister. But what said they, didst thou hear any words between them?  Lin. 
Faith there was a bargain during life, and the clock cried, God give them joy.  Pri. 
Villain they be married.  Half. 
Nay I think not so.  Spe. 
Yes, yes, God give you joy is a binder, I'll quickly be resolved, Candius come forth.  Enter Candius. Pri. 
And I'll be put out of doubt. Livia come forth.  Livia. Spe: 
The mitcher hangs down his head.  Pri. 
The baggage begins to blush.  Half: 
Now begins the game.  Lin: 
I believe it will be no game for us.  Spe: 
Are you married young master?  Can: 
I cannot deny it, it was done so lately.  Spe: 
But thou shalt repent, it was done so soon.  Pri. 
Then 'tis bootless to ask you Livia.  Liu: 
ay, and needless to be angry.  Pri: 
It shall pass anger, thou shalt find it rage.  Liu: 
You gave your consent.  Pri: 
Impudent giglot, was it not enough to abuse me but also to bely me?  Can: 
You sir agreed to this match.  Spe: 
Thou brazen face boy, thinkest thou by learning to persuade me to that which thou speakest. Where did I consent, when, what witness?  Can: 
In this place yesterday before Dromio & Risio.  Pri. 
I remember we heard a contract between Memphio's son and Stellio's daughter, and that our good wills being asked which needed not, we gave them, which booted not.  Can: 
'twas but the apparel of Accius and Silena, we were the persons.  Pri: 
O villainy not to be borne, Wast thou privy to this practice?  Lin: 
In a manner.  Pri. 
I'll pay thee after a manner.  Spe: 
And you oatmeal groat, you were acquainted with this plot.  Half. 
Accessary as it were.  Spe: 
Thou shalt be punished as principal: here comes Memphio and Stellio, they belike were privy, and all their heads were laid together to grieve our hearts.  Enter Memphio, Stellio. Mem. 
Come Stellio, the assurance may be made tomorrow, and our children assured today.  Stel. 
Let the conveyance run as we agreed.  Pri. 
You convey cleanly in deed, if cozenage be clean dealing, for in the apparel of your children you have conveyed a match between ours, which grieves us not a little.  Mem: 
Nay in the apparel of your children you have discovered the folly of ours, which shames us overmuch  Stel: 
But 'tis no matter, though they be fools they are no beggars.  Spe: 
And though ours be disobedient, they be no fools.  Dro. 
So now they tune their pipes.  Ri. 
You shall hear sweet music between a hoarse raven and a screech owl.  Mem. 
Neighbours, let us not vary, our boys have played their cheating parts, I suspected no less at the Tavern, where four four knaves met together.  Ri. 
If it were knavery for four to meet in a Tavern, your wor. wot well there were other four.  Stel. 
This villain calls us knaves by craft.  Lin: 
Nay truly I dare swear he used no craft, but means plainly.  Spe. 
This is worse, come Half. tell truth & scape the rod.  Half. 
As good confess here being trust, as at home with my hose about my heels.  Dro. 
Nay I'll tell thee, for 'twill never become thee to utter it.  Mem. 
Well out with it.  Dro. 
Memphio had a fool to his son which Stellio knew not, Stellio a fool to his daughter unknown to Memphio; to cozen each other they dealt with their boys for a match; we met with Lincio and Halfpenny, who told the love between their master's children, the youth deeply In love, the fathers unwitting to consent.  Ri. 
I'll take the tale by the end; then we four met, which argued we were no mountains, and in a tavern we met, which argued we were mortal, and every one in his wine told his days work, which was a sign we forgot not our business, and seeing all our masters troubled with devices, we determined a little to trouble the water before they drunk, so that in the attire of your children our master's wise children bewrayed their good natures, and in the garments of our master's children yours made a marriage; this all stood upon us poor children and your young children, to show that old folks may be overtaken by children.  Pri. 
Here's a children in deed, I'll never forget it.  Mem. 
I will, Accius come forth.  Stel. 
I forgive all, Silena come forth.  Spe. 
Neighbour, these things cannot be recalled, therefore as good consent, seeing in all our purposes also we missed the mark, for they two will match their children.  Pri. 
Well of that more anon, not so suddenly lest our ungracious youths think we dare do no other, but in truth their loves stirs up nature in me.  Mem. 
Come Accius thou must be married to Silena. How art thou minded?  Acc. 
What for ever & Mem. ay Accius, what else?  Acc. 
I shall never be able to abide it, it will be so tedious.  Stel. 
Silena thou must be betrothed to Accius, & love him for thy husband.  Sil. 
I had as lief have one of clouts.  Stel. 
Why Silena?  Si. 
Why look how he looks.  Acc. 
If you will not another will.  Sil. 
I thank you for mine old cap.  Acc. 
And if you be so lusty lend me two shillings.  Pri. 
We are happy, we missed the foolish match.  Mem. 
Come you shall presently be contracted.  Dro. 
Contract their wits no more, they be shrunk close already.  Acc. 
Well father here's my hand, strike the bargain.  Si. 
Must he lie with me?  Stel. 
No Silena, lie by thee.  Acc. 
I shall give her the humble bees kiss.  Enter Vicinia. Vic. 
I forbid the banes.  Ri. 
What dost thou think them rats, and fearest they shall be poisoned?  Mem. 
You Vicinia, wherefore?  Vic. 
Hearken, about eighteen years ago I must thee a son Memphio, and thee a daughter Stellio.  Stel. 
True.  Mem. 
True.  Vic. 
I had at that time two children of mine own, and being poor, thought it better to change them than kill them, I imagined if by device I could thrust my children into your houses, they should be well brought up in their youth, and wisely provided for in their age, nature wrought with me, and when they were weaned I sent home mine in stead of yours, which hitherto you have kept tenderly as yours: growing in years I found the children I kept at home to love dearly, at first like brother and sister, which I rejoiced at, but at length too forward in affection, which although inwardly I could not mislike, yet openly I seemed to disallow: they increased in their loving humours, I ceased not to chastise them for their loose demeanours, at last it came to my ears, that my son that was out with Memphio was a fool, that my daughter with Stellio was also unwise, and yet being brother and sister, there was a match in hammering betwixt them.  Mem. 
What monstrous tale is this?  Stel. 
And I am sure incredible.  Spe. 
Let her end her discourse.  Acc. 
I'll never believe it.  Mem. 
Hold thy peace.  Vic. 
My very bowels earned within me, that I should be author of such wild incest, an hindrance to lawful love, I went to the good old woman Mother Bombie to know the event of this practice, who told me this day I might prevent the danger, and upon submission escape the punishment, hither I am come to claim my children, though both fools, and to deliver yours both loving.  Mem. 
Is this possible, how shall we believe it?  Stel. 
I cannot sink into my head.  Vic. 
This trial cannot fail, your son Memphio had a mole under his care, I framed one under my child's care by art, you shall see it taken away with the juice of mandrake, behold now for your sons, no herb can undo that nature hath done. Your daughter Stellio hath on her wrist a mole, which I counterfeited on my daughter's arm, & that shall you see taken away as the other. Thus you see I do not dissemble, hoping you will pardon me, as I have pitied them.  Memp. 
This is my son, O fortunate Memphio!  Stel. 
This is my daughter, more than thrice happy Stellio?  Maest. 
How happy is Maestius thou blessed Serena, that being neither children to poor parents, nor brother and sister by nature, may enjoy their love by consent of parents and nature.  Acc. 
Solt, I'll not swap my father for all this.  Si. 
What do you think I'll be cozened of my father, methinks I should not, Mother Bombie told me my father knew me not, my mother bore me not, falsely bred, truly begot, a bot's on Mother Bomby.  Dro. 
Mother Bombie told us we should be found cozeners, and in the end be cozened by cozeners', welfare Mother Bomby.  Ri. 
I heard Mother Bomby say that thou shalt die a beggar, beware of Mother Bomby.  Pri. 
Why have you all been with Mother Bomby?  Lin. 
All, and as far as I can see foretold all.  Mem. 
In deed she is cunning and wise, never doing harm, but still practising good, seeing these things fall out thus, are you content Stellio the match go forward.  Stel. 
ay, with double joy, having found for a fool a wise maid, and finding between them both exceeding love.  Pri. 
Then to end alliars, our children's matches shall stand with our good liking, Livia enjoy Candius.  Spe. 
Candius enjoy Livia.  Can. 
How shall we recompense fortune, that to our loves hath added our parents good wills?  Maest. 
How shall we requite fortune, that to our loves hath added lawfulness, and to our poor estate competent living?  Mem. 
Vicinia thy fact is pardoned, though the law would see it punished, we be content to keep Silena in the house with the new married couple.  Stel. 
And I do maintain Accius in our house.  Vic. 
Come my children, though fortune hath not provided you lands, yet you see you are not destitute of friends, I shall be eased of a charge both in purse and conscience, in conscience, have revealed my lewd practice, in purse, having you kept of alms.  Acc. 
Come if you be my sister it's the better for you.  Sil. 
Come brother, methinks it's better than it was, I should have been but a bald bride, I'll eat as much pie as if I had been married.  Memp. 
Let's also forgive the knavery of our boys since all turns to our good haps.  Stel. 
Agreed, all are pleased now the boys are unpunished.  Enter Hackneyman, Sergeant, Scrivener. Hack. 
Nay soft, take us with you, and seek redress for our wrongs, or we'll complain to the Maior.  Pri. 
What's the matter?  Hack. 
I arrested Memphio's boy for an horse after much mocking, at the request of his fellow wags, I was content to take a bond jointly of them all, they had me into a tavern, there they made me, the Scrivener, and the Sergeant drunk, pawned his mase for the wine, and sealed me an obligation nothing to the purpose, I pray you read it.  Memp. 
What wags be these? Why by this bond you can demand nothing, and things done in drink, may be repented in soberness, but not remedied.  Dro. 
Sir, I have his acquittance, let him sue his bond.  Hack. 
I'll cry quittance with thee.  Ser. 
And I, or it shall cost me the laying on freely of my mase.  Scri. 
And I'll give thee such a dash with a pen as shall cost thee many a pound, wish such a Noverimt as cheap side can show none such.  Half. 
Do your worst, our knaveries will revenge it upon your children's children.  Memp. 
Thou boy, we will pay the hire of the horse, be not angry, the boys have been in a merry cozening vain, for they have served their masters of the same sort, but all must be forgotten, now all are content but the poor fiddlers, they shall be sent for to the marriage & have double fees.  Dro. 
You need no more send for a fiddler to a feast, than a beggar to a fair.  Stel. 
This day we will feast at my house.  Mem. 
Tomorrow at mine.  Pri. 
The next day at mine.  Spe. 
Then at mine the last day, & even so spend this week in good cheer.  Dro. 
Then we were best be going whilst every one is pleased, and yet these couples are not fully pleased, till the priest have done his worst.  Ri. 
Come Sergeant we'll toss it this week, and make thy maze arrest a boiled capon.  Ser. 
No more words at the wedding, if the maior should know it, I were in danger of mine office.  Ri. 
Then take heed how on such as we are, you show a cast of your office.  Half. 
If you mace us, we'll pepper you.  Ac. 
Come sister, the best is, we shall have good cheer these four days.  Lin. 
And be fools for ever.  Si. 
That's none of our upseckings.  
FINIS.