THE MAN IN THE MOON, Telling STRANGE FORTUNE'S, OR The English Fortune-teller. depiction of a man flipping through a book. Nihil sub Sole certum. LONDON Printed by I. W. for NATHANIEL BUTTER. 1609. coat of arms. TO HIS WORTHY Friend M. THOMAS SMITH of Clarkenwell, and Gentleman to the Right Honourable the Lord LISLE, Lord Chamberlain to the Queen's most Excellent Majesty. GEntle Sir, to rip up the excellent parts abiding in you, might be reputed Parasitical by many, and offensive to you, whom I know no whit vain glorious: to disclose your kindnesle towards my weak deserving, would be accounted folly: that I could not receive a benefit, but make all the world acquainted therewith: to desire you secure this poor infant of my brain with your favour, as with Ajax shield were too trite an imitation, an apes trick: therefore leaving fawning to flatterers, and offence to him that minds it: bequeathing folly to such, as will not keep their own council and imitation to them that cannot invent, I do plainly present this part of my love unto you. Your ever loving W. M. To the Reader. GOod Fortune to you, for the Fortune-teller meaneth so, whatsoever you think: if his attendant Opinion decipher you plainly, his fashion is not to make fair figures of deformed bodies: if his Page Mockso gibe at your ill manners, it is to make you mend them, and if he himself the principal cutteth you to the quick, know that he is no cogging Chirurgeon: what false Orthography escapeth in the print, impute to the haste of the supravisor of the proofs (for I have read the spelling book), what blame you put in the penning, lay upon me, it will make me wiser. W. M. THE MAN IN THE MOON, TELLING Strange Fortunes. OR, THE ENGLISH FORTUNE-TELLER. traveling a long journey, and striving one day beyond my reach, the sudden approach of the night prevented me, so that being unexperienced in the way, and seeing no reasonable creature to direct me, I was affrighted: The stars stared upon me, beasts looked wistly after me, bats flew about mine ears, and the owl whooted over mine head: no ploughmen whistling alongst the fallows: no shepherd singing over the downs: the Partrage was not diseased by the Spaniel: the Hare stole his food without fear of the hue and cry of Hounds and hunters: whistnesse had taken possession of the woods, stillness made abode in the fields, and darkness domineered in the Zodiac, no light had I to see my footsteps: no voice heard I to make unto: thus I wandered I knew not where, came to a place, I knew not whether, and had a glimsse of one sitting in a porch, I knew not whom. A while I stood a lose, leaning on my staff like a wearied Pilgrim, and meditated with myself, whether fortunately, or unhappily I stumbled thither; by the sollitarinesse of the house I judged it a Lodge in a Forest, but there was no bawling of dogs thereabout; by the multiplicity of barns, I thought it some Farmer's tenement, but there was no grunting of swine near it: by the moat about, it seemed some Gentleman's Manor, but I could espy no Wags watching, nor wantonness wagging out, to breathe themselves when their Madam was covered: what it was, after I had eaten a little heart a grass, which grew at my feet, I feared not, and who was the owner, I greatly cared not: but boldly accosted him, and desired house-room: he pried in my face, took me by the hand, led me into his house, placed me in a chair by the fire, and without any intergatories, saluted me courteously, and went into an other room; strange it was, and struck me in some dumps, but considering his gentle action and gravity, I a little revived: for he was of years many, of stature reasonable, of complexion sanguine, no pride in his apparel, no sullenness in his looks, silence sat in his hall, and sobriety in his butteries, temperance in his kitchen, and chastity in his chambers, no scolding with his Cooks, nor carrousing with his Servingmen: This I observed, and sat very sadly, till a strip in requested me to follow him, where the old man sat at a table furnished, not superfluously, but with sufficient nourishment; down he bade me sit and welcome, Grace he said (than thought I, there is no fear in this place, if there be grace) that which stood before me I fed on, and drank when need required: being well refreshed, as he began with thanksgiving, so he ended supper, and then said thus soberly unto me: Son you might marvel at your entertainment, and repute me mute or simple to use no more words nor circumstances at my first view of you, but it is my fashion, as they which know me, know. For suppose I should ask you, what you are? A stranger I know you are, and being a stranger unto me, you may say as well what you are not, as what you are: had I demanded whence you came or whither you would, for the one you might have told me a contrary tale, and for the other yourself is uncertain: from what parentage you are descended, I might question you, it is frivolous and womanish, if your qualities be degenerate: how you were educated, I might examine you, it is superfluous, your demeanour will inform me: fall to your meat, I might have bidden you, it is needless if you had a stomach: drink to you I might; it may be I desire no further acquaintance of you, till I know your conditions further: but howsoever if you be my friend, to use you unkindly, were ingratitude: are you mine enemy? to use you friendly is charity: if you are capable, you do understand my meaning, and shall know more ere we part: if you are ignorant, you may taste part of my mind by the meat drink and lodging I bestow gratis upon you. This is short and sensible, thought I, and made him this answer in his own Dialect: Sir, if I could not gratify your kindness with loving words, you might deem me rustical: if I should not labour to repay your love with my kindest requital, you might esteem me unthankful: but seeing I cannot instantly perform the one, I will remain your debtor in very deed, and in one word, hearty thank you for this unexpected courtesy, and howsoever I may seem rude and illiterate, yet was I long trained up where good manners grew, and learning flourished. I was once myself a lover of the Muses too (said he) but I had a running head, and would take no settled course, many countries have I traveled, and beheld sundry manners, but when age began to tame, that never otherwise suppressable, indomitam iwentutem, I penned myself in this house, where I have long time been resident: much preferment might I have mounted to, but I knew it troublesome, plus aloes quam mellis habens: choice of wives I might have made, but by the trial of others, I perceived them but mala necessaria, inconvenient commodities: great riches could I have gathered, but I found them fuller of perturbations than pleasures: if I might live always, perchance than I should make me a Tabernacle upon earth, but considering how small a time I have allotted in the earth, I respected riches as the Sand I trample on, rejected honour as a bubble, a puff of wind, vocem populi, a mere sound: and weighed women as lightly as feathers. No my son, that which God hath bestowed upon me I am contented withal. If I am now base, my grief is the less: I was never better, if I am poor, my sorrow is the fuisse faelicem, I was neverricher: yet have I that with sufficeth nature, and this is my greatest grief, because I have separated myself from the world, and labour to help such as want, and will take pains to come to me, aut consolundo aut consi●io aut re I am accounted amongst the silly a cunning man, a Soothsayer, or Diviner, one that can tell fortunes. Somnia terrores magicos micacula sagus Nocturnos lemures portentaque Thessali pideus Hor. Believe me sir (said I) it is so bruited here about, and that to morrow many will resort unto you, to know their fortunes, whereof I was one, not with purpose to know my fortune, for I think it proper only to the Omnipotent. You say well, and it is my affliction that they should attribute that to me which pertaineth to my Maker: yet since I am constrained I will show them their fortunes, and what will betide them every one: but now seeing it waxeth late and you weary, I refer you to your rest for this part of the night, and in the morning you shall hear more. Kindly we parted, and the next day when I was up and ready, I found the old man seated in a chair: who willed me to take my place as a spectator. He sat very soberly like Hypocrates, his beard was reverent and his face wrinkled, a plain gown girded close about his loyves, a pair of black buskins upon his legs, a fur'd night cap on his head, and a pair of thick mittens upon his hands: on his left side stood a pert Iuuinall, as ready to give the welcome to all comers, as a boy in a bar, and as nimble as a parasite in an old comedy: he was called Mockso, which in mocking sort described unto Fido the fantasticallity of each man's apparel, and apishness of gesture, who by their apparel and gesture would give a shrewd guess at their inclinations. On the right side stood another, but of riper years, and more stayed carriage, yet some what critical and taunting: he Cognominated him Opinion, whom he had so thoroughly instructed in Physiognomy, that he would anotonize any one's condition at the first sight, and so apparently display them, that Fido his Master wou, d tell what would betide them: thus were these three addressed as actors: Mockso, Described the habit and gesture. Opinion, revealed their conditions. Fido, Told every man his fortune, as he came unto him, for the same intent: long had they not stayed, but one knocked at the gate, as if he meant to burst it open: see who is there, said Fido, Mockso skipped to the door, giving every one the faelicem adventum, and returned, saying: The description of the Drunkard coming in a merry humour to know his Fortune by Mockso. Sir, I may be glad I had never a beard, he would have singed it with his flaming nose, whatsoever he be, he is troubled with an horses disease, the staggers, I think your pales anger him, he doth justle them on both sides: Oak he saith they are made of, and spiteth whole pottles against them; Eheu quid faciam? What an hue is his face of? and his teeth as nasty as if they lay in a grave these seven years: his cloak will never hide his knavery it is so tottered, and his breeches will shame all, if he take wide strides: he hath no hatband nor girdle, they lie in trouble for two Cans: now he setteth his hat on the toe side, and cometh sailing in like a ship in a tempestuous tide. The opinion of the Drunkard. THis fellow is one of the faithful (as they profanely term him) (said Opinion) no Heliogabalus at meat, but he will drink many degrees beyond a Dutchman: if you love him pledge that health, and if you be a good fellow, make no more such snuffs: his kingdom is an Alehouse, and his Sceptre a Can, which is seldom out of his hand: You queans or knaves he crieth, no attendance upon gentlemen here, though he be but a Tinker: fill us the other dozen, it is but taking Ludgate one year sooner: then he flingeth the glasses against the walls, as if they cost nothing: and danceth a round about a Can, as if it were a Maypole: then he doth drivel h s Hostess, and will dally with any that weareth a Crosse-cloth: then he careth not for a dear year, nor to pay his Landlord, but all that he can get or borrow goeth to the pot: To be brief with him, he is his Master's hindrance, if he be a servant: his servants torment, if he be a Master: his wife's cross, if he be an husband: his children's beggaring, if he be a father: his own ruin, whatsoever he is, a detested drunkard. Fido. The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Drunkard, wherein he telleth him his Fortune. TRue is the Proverb, though fusty to fine wits, when the drink is in, the wit is out: but seeing you have set a broach the drink, and drawn out all the dregs too, we may gather the wit is in: the vice you are so addicted to, is drunkenness, the mother of all Mischief, the fuel of Filthiness, the root of Rogueries, the distemperance of the Head, the subversion of the Senses, the shipwreck of Honesty, the loss of time, and voluntary madness, an ignominious languor, the detestation of manners, the disgrace of life: abhorred of God, detested of Angels, derided of men. Yet although it be thus horribly detestable and ridiculous to God, Angels, and men, though it be thus prejudicial to your soul, body, and substance: yet were it a more easy matter to draw Hercules his club out of his hand, then to drive you or any of your crew, from this filthy sin: but you would turn like the dog to his vomit, let me or any other persuade you as we can: and that which causeth me to be thus opinioned you are so delighted therewith, that you prefer the pleasure thereof, before all other preferment: and now I think of it, I remember a pretty tale not impertinent to the same purpose. A Gentleman of good worth, as he was riding alongst the high way, met a sturdy fellow, who requested his alms: the Gentleman replied, that it was shame for him to beg, being young and lusty, he was able to work, or fit to serve, if he were in apparel: True Sir said the beggar, but apparel is not so easily gotten, by such a poor man as myself: go home with me said the Gentleman, and I will suit thee new, and thou shalt wait upon me: Sir, answered the beggar, I have a good suit of apparel in the next village, which lieth not for above eightpences, if you will help me to that first, I shall think myself beholding unto you, and will tell you more: the Gentleman rid, as he led him: who brought him to an alehouse, and request him to alight, and enter with him: the Gentleman was contented and sat down, expecting when he would call for his apparel, that he might redeem it, and take him along with him: the beggar called to his Hostess, saying: Hostess bring hither my Shirt, she brought him a black pot of ale which he drank off: now said he bring me my Doublet, than she brought him another pot of Ale which he drank off: now my breeches, another pot she brought him, that he drank off: now bring my hose & shoes, than she brought him two black pots of Ale, those he drank off, now my hat band and cloak, than she brought him three black pots of Ale, which he drank off: when he had done this, he said, Gentleman, this is the suit I told you off, and now I have it, I think I am as well appareled as an Emperor: the Gentleman smiling, paid for this ale, and departed: so some of you might it advantage them never so much, will never forsake their drunkenness: The Dunkards' Fortune. this therefore is your fortune you shall spend all your money and run so long on the score that the very wind pipe of your credit shall be so choat, that if you do not drink it out with ready pay, your hostess will kick you out of her doors: your wife will wish you in your grave, your friends be ashamed of you, your enemy's triumph over you: sober men shall shun your company, boys laugh at you as you pass by them: your body shall be subject to diseases: you shall live with never a penny in your purse, never a totter on your back, no man will commit any matter of trust or secrecy unto you, and in fine you shall lie and die in some ditch, under some stall or in some prison: if you like your fortune, proceed as you have hither too: but if you abandon it, better fortune will betide you: the drunkard began to come prettily well to himself and walked somewhat soberly aside: and then Mockso whipped to the gate. The Tobackonist cometh in a Bravado to the Fortune-teller: Mockso describeth him as he approached. WHo is that, said Fido? Sir quoth Mockso I know not certainly, but I think he cometh to play you a fit of mirth, for I beheld pipes in his pockette, Now he draweth forth his Tinderboxe and his touchwood, and falleth to his tackle: sure his throat is on fire, the smoke flieth so fast from his mouth: bless his beard with a bazen of water lest he burn it: some terrible thing he taketh, it maketh him pant and look pale, and hath an odious taste, he spiteth so after it: A Bowl and a Broom some body, if he holdeth on thus long, he will make a puddle in your porch and keepeth such a snuffing and puffing, that he maketh all smoke again. Opinion of the Tobackonist. O Have patience Mockso (said Opinion) he is at his breakfast: it is his heaven or rather hell: I should think it sendeth forth such mists, fogs, and vapours, five Chimneys well feweled vent not more smoke than his mouth and nostrils: a man were better have his house situated between two Brew-houses, than a but upon his Mansion: I had rather thrust my head into a jakes, then peep into his chamber. And nothing so noisome were it, to be yeoman to a close stool, as to continue within forty foot of his breathing, yet is the causer of these inconveniences, meat and drink to him, and he loveth it above the love of women: it is his morning's draft when he riseth, his conserves or cates, when he hath well dined, his after noon nuncious, and when he goeth to bed, his posset smoking hot: he will not walk far, nor talk long without it: nay he will lose his victuals rather than neglect it: pawn his hat band but he will have it. To be brief with him, he is his own strengths enféebler, his beauty's blemisher, his wits blunter, his memory's decayer, and his appetites abater. A toyish Tobackonist. The Oration of Fido to the Tobackonist, showing his fortune. SIr, said Fido, if I should extract the best counsel I could, being dissuasive from your Tobacko-taking, you would take it in snuff, custom hath so strongly combined you thereunto, that it were too indissoluble a knot for me to untie: yet this let me tell you, that it is as an incensed Atropos to a long life, clipping off the thread before it be thoroughly spun, decaying and drying up the prolonger of breath: but you are persuaded, as others few, that it doth procure the contrary: you think it a medicine for every malady; give you Tobacco, and a fig for the Physician: say it were Physic, as you affirm, yet Physic is not taken at all times and seasons, continually without Interim: neither is one kind of Physic administered to all bodies, constitutions, and diseases: but Tobacco may be compared to the potion which Circe gave to Ulysses soldiers, metamorphosing them into swine: so this precious weed, as you esteem it, doth so selfe-besot those which take it, that like swine they wallow in the mire of their admiring conceits: that neither reason can rule them, nor experience of others harms sustained thereby, make them refrain. I will not deny, that conceit may work wonders: but those wonders are only in conceit, as I have heard of some, who through an irreformable conceit, have imagined their noses to be as big as Pinnicles, to fly in the air, contend and quell Devils by their own natural strength: so you, only by conceit, think richly of the operation of your Indian Pudding, having contrary qualities in it, a thing repugnant to Philosophy, and working miraculous matters, a quillit above nature: as if you be fat, than you take it to make you lean, (against the walls I hope you mean) if lean, than it will make you fat, put V and S. to fat and I will believe you: if dull, quick witted: if oblivious, revive your memories, doing these things and many more; and helping all manner of diseases, the pox it will as soon. But I could easily refute these, and all your opinions, had not this text been thoroughly trauer'st and condemned with great judgement and learning, Didimus wrote ten thousand books of Grammar. Agrip. de vani. Scien. in a solemn disputation; and in the book, entitled, Work for a Chimney sweeper: and were there as many volumes written concerning this subject, as Didimus wrote of the Grammar, you would martyr them, leaf by leaf, and light your pipes at the flame: Nitimur in vetitum, that which wisdom doth forbid folly will follow. This therefore is your Fortune, if you leave not taking your Indian stuff betime, custom will so confirm you to it, Vincere consuetudinem dura est pugna. that when you perceive the inconveniences, and feel the folly thereof, you cannot forsake it, though you will: you shall die before your date: your body shall be in subjection to sundry sickness, and so sooted with the smoke thereof, that it will be as foul as hell, sending forth such a filthy sent, that your breath will be death to your wife, or any that sent it, but such as yourself: Aside the Tobackonist stepped, and another knocked at the gate. The Prodigal cometh stalking in, to know his fortune, Mockso deciphering his apparel and gate. WHo is that, said Fido? Mockso answered: Sir I know not of what Country, Nation, Sex or fashion he is, his face is like a man's: but by the tone side of his head like a woman: some purblind Barber pulled him, to cut his hair so unequally, and leave one lock a quarter of a yard longer than the other: by the block of his head (put them both together, and see what they spell) he should be a Spaniard, but his doublet showeth him a Frenchman: now I see his breeches made like a pair of Smith's bellows, erected with the small end upwards: he seemeth a Walloone: marry there is no excess in his cloak, he took the length thereof by the old apes of Paris Garden: a sweet youth no doubt, for he hath two Roses on his shoes, to qualify the heat of his feet: he looketh very bigly, and cometh prancing in. Opinion of the Prodigal. THis Prancer (said Opinion) hath been a wild colt, and leapt through many honest men's gates in his days: he was his father's dotage, and his mother's darling; he hath spent more upon his paunch then the Primate of Belly gods: gusted down his throat more than Cleopatra quaffed in a Bravado to Mark Anthony: laid more gold upon his back, then that which procured passage for the Ass into the Castle would defray: natural meat will not suffice him, he feedeth artificially: native apparel will not content him, he flieth for uplandish fashions: honest matrimony is not for his loins, he watcheth nightly, and walketh by day, to entrap other men's wives: he is never safe, but when he is in pestilent company: never well, but when he is evil employed, Whores he supporteth, Vintners he advanceth, Tailors he maketh Gentlemen, if he be not too far in their books: to be brief, he is Lecheries Maecenas, idleness patron, Pride's founder, Gluttonies' erector, Drunkenness good godfather: an impudent Prodigal. The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Prodigal, declaring the inconveniences of dissolute living, and his Fortune. SIr, you are generously descended, Divitiae, par●●tes, amici, etc. sunt ut illius animus qui ea possidet, qui uti scit, ei bona, qui non recte utitur mala. the greater is your shame, to expose yourself to an ignoble course of living: much riches were you bequeathed, the more is the pity, you have so little grace to misemploy them, well are you featured, it is ill bestowed unless you would preserve your beauty better: for that which GOD and nature have ordained for your good, by your ill using, you turn to your own overthrow: had your progenitors run the race you do, they had never won the Golden ball, which made you a Gentleman: you assume it an eminence, to be rarely arrayed: others being wise, are not so conceited: you suppose it a great glory to lash your coin, you care not where, nor upon whom; though they will advance you, which receive benefit thereby, yet such as will not profit themselves by such means, resemble you to a Candle, which wasteth itself to give other light: you esteem it an extraordinary happiness to be in favour with many and sundry beauties, you shall feel the contrary, pride will procure your fall, when you wots not of it: excess devour your riches, ere you are aware: variety decay your body, when you think it doth most delight it: and when your body is decayed, your wealth devoured, yourself fallen, go to your Gossips, which now will hang like goodly jewels about your neck, and come with your purse empty: stabis Homere foras, you may stand like an impecunious Whoremaster at their doors: come to your Tradesman, which now cap and cringe you, and see if you shall receive any further comfort, then moanful words, Alas, it is pity, would we were able (good wishes for themselves:) and last of all, frequent the Ordinaries, which you have in a manner enriched, and mark how they will moan their own mischances, how they sit at an unmerciful rent: what losses they have sustained by pilfering; how many have run away in their debts, and a thousand such circumstances, which you never heard, nor are likely, so long as you have money or means. Dum iwet & ridet vultu fortuna sereno, Indelibatas cuncta sequuntur opes: At simul intonuit, fugiunt nec noscitur ulli, Agminibus comitum qui modo cinctus erat. Whilst you are mounted on the throne of fortune, great men will countenance you, Gallants be your associates, Parasites flatter you, Brokers borrow for you, Usurers lend you, Citizens cap you, Lawyers plead for you, Servingmen crouch to you, Wantoness hang like Burrs upon you: but when you are dejected under the wheel of chance, great men will not greatly regard you, Gallants hoist their tops and top Gallants, and sail from you, Flatterers shun you, Brokers will not brook you, Usurers use you rigorously, Tradesman tread on the to side of the way, Lawyers leave you, Servingmen hang the head as they meet you, Wantoness wish or work your overthrow. This therefore is your Fortune, If you proceed as you have begun, your full feeding will make you lean, your drinking too many healths will take all health from you, your leaping the pale will cause you look pale, your too close following the fashion, will bring you out of all form and fashion, your careless life will lead you to a miserable death: yet you may prevent your misfortunes, if now you will take opportunity: you have some wealth left, husband it carefully: of a little well ordered will rise more profit, then much carelessly disposed: yet your wit is pregnant, by industry you may season it with wisdom: yet your body is not past cure, new-bred diseases are soon remedied: if you scoff at me for my good will, you may repent when you lie like a nutmeg in a grate, or ride post with a hempen halter out of the world: but if you accept it, much good may it do you. The Gallant very pensively walked aside, and Mockso went to the gate. The Servingman waiting on this Gallant, cometh in to know his Fortune, whom Mockso decyphereth. Who is it, said Fido? A most courteous creature, answered Mockso, So, struck up your foretop in any case; pish, your band hangeth right enough: what? yet more crevices in your stockings: fie upon it, how complemental he is, and kisseth his hand as if he were in love with it. Opinion of the Servingman. THis fellow (said Opinion) though he be no drunkard, yet he is none of his own man, he was a pretty boy, an handsome stripling, and is a proper man, peevish in his childhood, proud in his youth, prodigal now in his best years: he spendeth his portion in hope of preferment, wasteth his substance in lieu of advancement, consumeth quite all in expectation of some requital; his greatest felicity is to court the Chamber maids in a corner, and his chiefest exercise to make his Master's friends dependents drunk; Bee fawneth upon them his Master favoureth, and frumpeth those his Mistress frowns on: he was trained up in some point of a joiners trade to make legs, and the best part of his Rhetoric is I forsooth, and no forsooth: the injunctions he standeth bound too, is to run at all calls, rise at all hours, and ride in all seasons: eating that which his Master left, and wearing that which his Master left, if he can get it: which showeth that he is the Anteambulo of a Gentle woman, the consequent of a Gentleman, the antecedent of a Portmanteaux or a Cloak-bag: A Servingman. Fidoes' Oration to the Servingman, teaching him briefly how to behave himself in service, and telling him his Fortune. Ingrateful and hard hearted are many of our age, respecting none but such as profit and pleasure them at the instant: industrious therefore ought you be, to get your Master's favour, and having gotten it, circumspect to keep the same: and albeit some there are, respecting their services no longer than they supply their lusts and lucre, thrusting them out of their gates unrewarded for the smallest trifle and displeasure, conceived against them; yet the world knoweth, and thousands will acknowledge the fluent liberality of true bred gentility, extended to their followers: who by the raising hand of their Lord's assistance, have ascended many high and lofty steps of dignity: but such Masters are not sown every where, neither were they swaggering drunkards, or swearing jacks, which have thus flourishingly sprowted up by service: but men of good demeanour and well qualified: for the wise look not only on the out sides, they pry into behaviour, integrity and uprightness: It is not profound quaffing or domineering will do you any good, roisting and rioting will never raise you (unless up to the Gallows.) This therefore is your fortune, If you be in good service, and will not with care and diligence keep you in it, when you would have the like again, you shall go without it: if you take time you may thrive, but if you let him pass by, you may call your heart out, and never reclaim him: for time though he be an old man, yet he is quick of foot, and having gotten the start of any, is never overtaken: if you gather nothing in the Summer of your youth, in the Winter of your age you may go beg: for he that might do well and would not, when he wanteth shallbe unpitied, and when you become old & poor too, then shall you be spurned with the heel of disdain by every footboy: rejected as an old woman which spent her youth wanton, then shall you hear of your old vagaries, your former follies shall be laid in your dish: if in your jollity you wronged any, they will wait for revenge in the time of your want and weakness: when the Lion was old and toothless, the Ass revenged an inveterate injury he had sustained long before, but now you are in place, if you demean yourself honestly: now you are young preserve that you get carefully: now you are in service, perform it faithfully: you may hereafter purchase much comfort, goods and credit. So the creature followed his Master, and another knocked at the gate. The lewd woman cometh to know her Fortune, whom Mockso describeth entering. WHo is that, said Fido? One with a mask forsooth, because you may ask, (said Mockso) a woman of tall stature and upright body (it is well if her life be like it) high forehead round cheeks, dimpled chin, sleek neck, and slender waste, in a light coloured hat, light coloured fan, light coloured gown, though she were in the dark, she would appear a light woman. Opinion anatomizing the conditions of the wicked Woman. O (Said Opinion) this is one of your lazy liquorous Lascivious feminine ingenderers, more wavering than a Weathercock, more wanton thenan Ape, more wicked than an Infidel, the very sink of sensuality, and pool of putrefaction: a Sylla to Citizens, and Charybdis to Country men: a comfort for cutpurses, and a companion for coney-catchers: a Factor for many Taverns, and Benefactor for most Barber-Surgeons: a palsy to the body, a canker to the soul, a consumption to the purse: by birth commonly a Bastard, by nature a Camball, by art a puritan: in alluring a Siren, in show a Saint, in deed a Devil; and in plain English, a Whore: of all iniquities believe her not, for she liveth by lying: touch her not, for she is pitch, inquinans omnes qui tangunt eam: proffer her nothing, for she will pocke eat al. And now sir she appeareth in her lightness before you. The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Mercenary wicked woman, declaring the abomination of her life and fortune. Fair creature, as I have been effectually informed of your conditions: so would I labour to reform them: but I might with as great hopes undertake to make a black More white, as to change your mind, and easier raise an old Oak from the earth with my decrepit shoulders, than root out that lust which hath so long time been set in your heart: yet if you would consider the inconveniences thereof, which are, to effeminate the mind, weaken the body, endanger the soul, it might prove a motive to dissuade: you would account yourself mad, if knowing poison to be blended in a lump of sugar: you should for the sweetness of the sugar, swallow the poison: what then can you make now of yourself, knowing lust a pleasant poison, hindering your health, engendering diseases, bringing age before his time, blemishing your beauty, ere it be out of the blossom, dulling your wit before it be well grounded: and drawing your mind from all virtuous cogitations, this you know for certainty, yet you will live in sensuality disdaining Diana, and be a votary to Venus: contemning Vesta, and devoting yourself to quotidiall dalliance: making a mock at marriage, you will not enter into the bonds thereof, because you will live loosely, without control or subjection of an husband: yet are you servile to all slavery, & subject to the controlment of every swaggerer: he that hath money may command you: he that can domineer will insult over you, making you crouch and curvet when he pleaseth: but if no warning will make you wise, this than will be your fortune: You shall be ferrited like a Coney out of every burrow, baited like a Bear, whipped like a jade, long shall you not dare to abide in one place, Authority will so closely pursue you: what you get in a quarter, you shall spend in a month: nothing that you get will prosper with you: and what beauty & delectation your body now containeth, shall be of small continuance, your hair which now is fast and thick, shall fall from your head like leaves in Autumn: your forehead which now is smooth, shall soon be wrinkled like parched parchment: your complexion which now is sanguine, shall be of a saffron colour, your cheeks thin, your nostrils putrefactions, your mouth toothless, your breath noisome, your flesh rotten, your bones cankerous, your pleasure shall be turned into pain, your singing into sorrow: Aches shall lodge in your head, anguish in your heart, diseases in every part & parcel of your body: and after all these, thy soul suffer perpetual torments. A side she walked, and Mockso without any knocking, skipped to the door, for the Wag imagined, she could not want companions or servants in this age, so long as her good face lasted. The retainer, which waited on the woman, entereth to know his fortune, whom Mockso describeth as he enters. IS there any other come (said Fido?) There is one coming, answered Mockso, he will scarce see the way in, his hair hangeth so in his light: Fatuus in fancy, & leno in corpore, He looketh fat in the face, and lean in the body: how full of choler he is? yet so long as those huge flops swagge about him, he will be in some compass: his boots are wrinkled, as though they were made of old wives faces: what capt on the toes? sure he will not put off one of those caps to the best man that meeteth him, & in sober sadness his spurs have scaped a scouring, they look so rustily, whatsoever he be, I think he would prove an honest man, if he would wash his face and serve God. Opinion upon the retainer. Serve God (said Opinion) the devil he will as soon, he hath not seen the insides of a Church these seven years, unless with devotion to pick a pocket, or pervert some honest man's wife, he would on purpose be pved with all: villainy is his contemplation, ribaldry his talk, and detestation his deeds, Cards are his darlings, wherewith he playeth, and a pair of Dice his only Paradise: he will omit no villainy, he can cleanly commit, he will cheat his father, cozen his mother, and coney-catch his own sister, if he can imagine the means how: his own wife he will make a prostitute for money, and hold the candle to any incarnate devil, whilst he committeth the deeds of darkness with her, six pence will make him swear or forswear any thing: in a word, he is a Post for Punks, an Harbinger for Whoremongers, a Bloodhound for Bawds: a perfidious Pander. Fido his speech to the Pander, showing his lewdness and fortune. O Lamentable, thy case is damnable, thy trade odious, thyself abominable, thou art a man whose conditions I know not by experience, neither have I read of many such as thyself in ancient Writers, yet some of thy sect there were, of whom I took little notice, because I never meant to have any commerce with them: notwithstanding, seeing I have heard so much, I could amply delate of thy sin, but I know it needless, for my hope is, I have dejected the foundation, whereon all thy practices are built, I mean the woman thy Mistress, which was even now with me, and if she fall from her former folly, thou canst not stand, unless thou gettest some crooked prop to support thee, which cannot hold long: expect therefore no other fortune, then untimely death, either by the stab in some drunken fray, managed in the defence of your maintainer, or by some disease got by her, or by the halter, if you do not alter: away the Pander walked after his Mistress, and another knocked at the gate. The extortioner hobleth to know his fortune, and is described by Mockso, as he entereth. WHo is that, said Fido, that cometh next? Vetus, vietus, veternosus senex: a wise man I'll warrant him, for he can keep himself warm: no friend to the Barber it should seem, by his rustical, over grown and unfinified beard: his gown is thoroughly foxed, yet he is sober, for he looketh as though he quenched his thirst with whey and water, rather than with wine and stout Beer, and his Mandilion edged round about with the stigmatical Latin word Fur; a ruff about his neck, not like a Ruffian but inch broad, with small sets, as if a piece of a Tobacco pipe had been his poking stick, his gloves are thrust under his girdle, that you may see how he rings his fingers: bless his worship, now he cometh coughing in. Opinion of the Extortioner coming to know his fortune. HE is (said Opinion) miser qui nummos admiratur, miserable or an able miser, which maketh much of money, Gold is his God, and Silver his Saint, Bonds are his Bibles, and Obligations his Orisons, Scriveners are his Priests, which do his service, and consoning Brokers his Christian brethren. Security is his secretary, and Sergeants his serving men: he liveth by use, like a Bawd, and dealeth deceitfully, like a cheating gamester: he is a rare Alchemist, which from a little gold and silver will abstract a million in time: Better is a poor Gentleman to fall into the paws of a Lion, then between his clutches, and may with more safety escape the gripe of a she Bear, then to be released from his leases: to be brief with him: he is an insatiable cormorant, or rather corne-vorant, a bottomless Barathrum, a merciless mony-monger, a filthy forty in the hundredth, an unconscionable Extortioner. Fido his Oration to the Extortioner, displaying his damnable dealing, and Fortune. FAther, you are welcome, and without fear or flattery, I will briefly tell you my mind: You have long trafficked in a wicked and unlawful trade, wicked I call it, because it is repugnant to the laws of the highest enacter of all decrees: unlawful I may avouch it, because I never knew nor heard of any good law maintaining it: for the former, if you run over the book of books, you shall find many fearful judgements denounced against you, and the latter you cannot contradict it by no Country laws, which although they flatly deny thee, to take above ten in the hundredth, a venial sin in respect of thy capital and deadly offence: yet doth it not authorize thee to take so much, but taxeth thee if thou usurpest any more. But what should I talk of this text, which hath been thoroughly entreated of by better and more judicious than myself? or why should I wast my breath to thee, which hast neither faith, hope nor charity? What do I talk of these things to thee, whom the love of riches hath so besotted, that it is impossible to divert it? or how should I think to prevail by dissuading: Cum te neque feruidus aestus Dimoveat lucro, neque hyemps, ignis, mare, ferrum: when neither the parching heat, nor benumbing cold; neither fire, sword, nor sea, can dissuade: Impulit amentes, aurique cupidine caecos, Ire super gladios, super atque cadavera patrum. Therefore if your future fortune (That is, Quis pauper? avarus Auson. Semperinops qui cunque cupit. Clau. that which shall light upon you hereafter, will not draw you from your daily practising the same, nothing will) which is this: You shall always want, though you have never so much, semper avarus eget, Hor. though thou art a Master, thou shalt be always a servant, moiling for a mite, and watching to save a penny; thou shalt live in perpetual terror and fear, she that lieth in thy bosom shall make thee suspicious, lest she steal from thee; they which were begotten of thine own body, will scar thee, lest they rob thee: all that look near the place, where thy gold lieth, thou wilt be jealous of, lest they lurk to defeat thee of it: Non uxor saluum te vult, non filius, omnes Vicini oderunt noti pu eri atque puellae: thy wife will wish the hanged, thou keepest her so barely; thy children pray for thine end, thou maintainest them so basely; thy neighbours and kinsfolks speak broadly of thee, thou usest them so cruelly; and when thou art dead, Devils hurry thee to perdition, wishes damn thee to everlasting torments, and curses consort with thy funeral: Nay thy wife shall be enamoured of some spendall, which shall waste all as licentiously as thou hast heaped together laboriously: thy children never thrive with aught thou didst bequeath them, it was so vilely gotten, and thy name either utterly blotted out, or remain infamous to posterity. If you like your fortune proceed, but if you mislike it, desist from your racking and raising, your polling and pinching the poor: recompense them which you have wronged, or at the least, injury none no more, but do good according to the quantity of your goods, and so you may bring a blessing to yourself and posterity. The Extortioner walked aside, and another knocked at the gate. The Glutton entereth to know his fortune, whom Mockso decyphereth. WHo is next, said Fido? Monstrum horrendum inform ingens, A monstrous man (said Mockso) your gate is too little for this Grecian horse, if you cause not part of your wall to be plucked down, he cannot come in: God be thanked, he hath the wit yet, to enter f●●eling, like a Gentlewoman with an huge Farthingale: how he puffeth and bloweth like a short wound Hackney: now he approacheth wallowing like a woman with child: he might be an Ox for his ●oule, a Bull for his neck, a Cow for his belly, and a Calf for his wit, I make no question. Opinion of the Glutton. BOna verba Mockso, (said Opinion) he will hate you to death if he hear you and work you a mischief if you misuse him, he is a great man, I can tell you, and in huge request amongst no small fools: Phago might be his grandfather, for his full feeding, and Garagantua his Sire, for his gormand zing: he is none of your ordinary fellows, which will suffice nature for three pence, give him an Ox rostad a pudding in his belly, a Rabbit is but a bit with him, and he will ●ranch capon's as fast as a beggar will crack Lice. he is a tall man at a table, and will toss a pike strenuously, if it be soaked in white-broth: he is none of your great talkers, but will do pretty well at a dinner: if silence be a virtue, he is a virtuous Gentleman, for at meat he cannot intend to talk for eating, and between meals, he sleepeth sound: to be brief with him, he is a pestilence to Pasties, which sweepeth many of them shear away, a consumption to capons, Chickens, and other poultry, a sepulchre to Seafish, and others in ponds, moats, and Rivers, a sharp sheep-biter, and a marvelous Mutten-monger, a gorbelly Glutton. Fido his Oration to the Glutton, inveighing against his sin, and revealing his fortune. TAntum cibi & potionis adhibendum est, ut reficiantur vires, non ut opprimantur: Sir, I salute you with this saying of Cicero, because I perceive you ever ballast your belly, an ungrateful member, never thankfully repaying that which is done unto it, but daily calling for more than is needful; and why should man that hath understanding to judge, and reason to rule, be so servile to filthy appetite? a small thing will content nature, and satiety doth rather displease then pleasure her: it maketh her unfit to perform any agile or active thing: beside the overplus might tend to many profitable uses, but you cannot fall too unless your table be fully furnished: how did they in the old time, when they were sufficed with such sustenance as the Grass and trees afforded; they lived longer, and were stronger than they of this instant; they had no Cooks to provide them cates, hunger was their best sauce, labour and exercise the Cooks, which composed that sauce, if you would feed with the like sauce, composed by the same Cooks, it would take you a button lower, and cause you look not like Boreas; as you now do: if not, I cannot remedy it, neither will I speak to your deaf god Bell, or rather belly any longer: your fortune will be this: many diseases will be engendered in you, through your immoderate eating: fit for no Country service will you be, neither in martial, nor domestical affairs, a fool shall you live, and a dunce shall you die, & that sooner too then otherwise you would, keeping a sparing and temperate diet: all the pampering of your paunch shall be to no other purpose, for you strive for all delicate creatures to feed yourself, and you yourself shall be food for the worms. A way the glutton lagged, and Mockso highed to the door, expecting that as he was larded, so he would be guarded with some or other: for rich men have many friends, and need not walk alone unless they please. The Parasite associating the glutton to the gate, entereth, Mockso describing him. WHo is that (said Fido)? a finical fellow, answered Mockso, as full of salutations as a Fiddler, his Hat was off before I could ask him what he would, and his knee licked the superficies of your threshold, ere I bade him enter, a crafty fellow, I fear, he is so full of courtesy, and some cozening companion, he hath such a flearing countenance: now he eieth you sir, his head is bare, O rare, what an excellent dumb show is this? thrice hath he kissed his hand and made you three low congees in coming three strides: now he approacheth near you, I think he meaneth to make a Pope of you, and kiss your toes. Opinion of the Parasite. HE is none of your Cynics, nor Critics, he is no Momus that snappeth Vice by the shins, as she passeth by him: he respecteth not what men be, so they be rich, he will live, when they lack: he fleareth not in your face for nothing, nor reflects his legs without some surmised reason, he will fawn on you like a Spaniel, follow you like a foisting Hound for his commodity, say what you will, he will swear to it, do what you delight in, he will encourage you: are you addicted to drink drunk, he will gibe at sobriety, and christian her with innumerable nicknames. Do you love whores? he will scratch where it itcheth not, and tickle your ears with a tale of variable venery: have you one spark of goodness? he will extol you above measure; have you never so much ill? he will mitigate it: he is in Tantologies of praising, that you like, and extreme in discommending, that you do condemn, be it never so praiseworthy: he giveth nothing his due or proper right, but either too much or to little, he careth not for the mean: he will pervert any thing for his purpose: if you be a coward, he saith you are wise and truly valorous: if prodigal, then generously liberal: are you a niggard? then frugal and provident: is your head great, a note of policy: is it little, the loftiest men are so marked: is your nose long, an excellent ornament: he knew a great Lady that never commended other: is it short, it is the comeliest: are you high coloured? it is the soundest complexion: are you pale? it is amorous and attractive: are you tall? all that are lower than you, are dwarves: are you low? all that are taller, are lubbers or Maypoles: to be brief with him: he will sooth you up in any sin, hug any heinous humour in you foster any folly, wealthy men's well-wisher, poverties deadly enemy, a false hearted fawning Parasite. Fido his Oration to the Parasite, revealing his faults and fortune. Sir (said Fido) since your disposition is so largely described, I shall not need much to delate on it, but to speak freely and compendiously unto you, I hold you to be the most venomous serpent, that crawleth in a commonwealth, and would advise all men that tender their own safety to shun you, as an Harpy, and stop their ears at your words, as the enchanting of Mermaids: Plus nocet lingua adulatoris, quam gladius persecutoris: your tongue doth more hurt than war or pestilence, and you are the causer of more mischief, than any impiety whatsoever, lulling men in the sleep of security: whereas, if they were kept waking, and had their faults laid apparently before them, no doubt but that either shame or fear would work a reformation in them: guilty therefore are you of all those crimes, which they commit, and accessary to their enormities, whom you secure and soothe up in follies: your fortune therefore will be full foul in the end, & though you may flourish for a time, and live in favour, yet when your assertions are found false, your friendship feigned, your counsel hurtful unto them, than you may give an ultimum vale to your happiness; they which loved you will loathe you to death, they which credited you, will not believe you for a world, though then you should tell them never so truly: they that graced you, will be the first that shall publish your disgrace, & work your ruin: because like a traitorous person you endeavoured theirs, by your concealing their follies, and animating them to any villainy. Away the Parasite sneaked, and another knocked at the gate. The wanton wife entereth to know her Fortune, whom Mockso describeth. WHo is that, said Fido? A sweet woman, no doubt answered Mockso, do you not smell her? a cowling eye, she turneth it with a trice, a fair hair, if it be her own: an high forehead, if it be not forced: a rare face, if it be not painted: a white neck, if it be not plastered: a strait back, if it be not bolstered: a slender waist, if it be not pinched: a pretty foot, if it be not in shoemakers last: a fair and rare creature, if she be not dishonest. Opinion of the wanton wife. O Si fas dicere, She came naked into the City, and shall so return, unless she do penance with a white sheet pinned about her, as she now deserneth her husband married her for pure love, and had nought with her, and so he is likely to have, so long as he hath her: yet she will flaunt it with the finest, and gad abroad with the giddiest, looking for greater attendance than an Empress, and more duty than a Duchess, envying all that are more bravely trapped then herself, and confederate with few but such as are wanton entrapped, as she is: no fashion can be extant, but she must have a fling at it: no sight to be seen, but she must view it: not a gewgaw to be heard of, but she must have it; she will buy nothing that is cheap, wear nothing that is common, eat nothing that is not costly: her honest husband is her hobie-horse at home, and abroad her fool; amongst her copesmates, wanton wenches game amongst themselves, and wags sport to point at with two fingers: who is so terrified by her, that he were better in his grave: by day he dare not meet her, she is so man'd with makeshift, by night he feareth to lie with her, her touch is so ambiguous: with meat he cannot please her, she is so dainty, in clothes he cannot keep her, she is so costly, with words he cannot fit her, she is so captious, in deed he cannot content her, for she is a wanton: If he endeavour with good counsel to dissuade her, (she saith) he preacheth too learnedly for her to edify, if he gibe and jest at her folly, than he is all wit or a wittal, if he keepeth her short of money, than she rappeth out an oath, that she will have coin though she be hanged for it: if he keep her close within doors, the next time he stirreth out, Nupta virum timeat, cas ta sit custodia nuptae. a Sergeant clappeth him on the shoulder, for some debt she hath entered unknown to him, for such a purpose: Tum sua dominantur aula, Dulichii Samiique etc. To be brief, she is her husband's affliction, her children's disgrace, her friend's scandal, roisters and rakehells randevouce, a wanton wicked well favoured wife. Fido his Oration to the wanton wife, detecting the heinousness of her beastly life, and Fortune. WEre your mind as richly beautified as your body, you could not be too highly prized; but seeing the beastliness of your behaviour, blemisheth your beauty: I cannot but condemn and contemn you: who having plighted your faith, and solemnly obliged yourself unto an husband, are now become most faithless and perfidious, leaving the fruit which was allottted, you fall to the forbidden tree: which driving you out of Paradise, will expose you to the infamy of the world: if you can delude your husband's eyes with demure carriage, and possess him with a good conceit thereof, than you care not how you cousin him of his goods privily, deride him closely, abuse him behind his back, so all be done Caute it is well done: but if you consider the cause aright, it is yourself you wrong: there is an eye which seethe you, though never so closely cabined, there is an ear that heareth you, whisper you never so softly: there is an heart which apprehendeth you, contrive you never so cunningly: from which if you cannot conceal your thoughts, words and works, never laugh in your sleeve, how you have gulled or bulled your husband: nay many are so impudent they care not who know it, they think it a credit to be notorious, an honour to have Gallants seek unto them: where carrion is it is no marvel to find Kites: pleasure hath an amiable face, but a loathsome body, a sweet taste, but a sour digestion; a delicious life, but a miserable death: look upon that plot in my Garden, you see it fresh and fragrant, if I should permit many of my neighbours to fling their Garbage on it, it would become a fulsome dunghill: or behold my well, the water in it is clear and sweet, if the sinks here about should have passage to it, they would soon alter the clearness and sweetness of the water: so now you are sound and lovely to look on: you may maintain the same for a small space, but being common ulcers, filth and blanches will breed upon you like frogs and toads in stinking pools: Dedit hanc contagio tabem, atque dabit plures sicut grex totus in aruis, unius scabie cadit & prurigine porci unaque contacta livorem ducit ab una: jun. And therefore I cannot blame those which are timorous of their wives, for their own body's safety: one rotten sheep corrupts a flock: one measeled Hoggesmites an Herd: one plagued person infects a people. Now to your Fortune, If you once lose your good name, you will never recover it: if now in youth you forsake your husband, and play false, in your age when none respect you, he will reject you: your children may beg or steal, will he toil to maintain other men's get? If he decease before you, no honest man will have you, unless some of your debauched companions, more for lucre then for love, who will never trust you, knowing you false to your former husband: and then perchance you would wish you had been more constant to your first betrothed, and less confident to every cogging companion: but it will be then too late, now lament your folly, and begin a new life, abandon lewd company, and idleness, and you may have many a fair day, and future felicity: else expect nothing but misery, shame, and many misfortunes in the end, which will fall heavily upon you, if you do not now labour to prevent them. Away she walked, and another rapped at the gate. The jealous man entereth to know his fortune, Mockso describing him. WHo is that, said Fido? One as melancholy as a Cat, answered Mockso, and glared upon me, as if he would have looked through me: sure he lacketh something, he gazeth so about him: hold not down thine head for shame, like a beast: but erect thy countenance, like a man. High-ho how he sigheth, & beateth his breast, as if there were something there angering him: Why doth he feel his forehead so often, it is smooth enough, he doubteth (I lay my life) they will sprout out shortly, and shall soon become as huge headed as was Actaeon, after he gazed on the Goddess bathing herself with her Nymphs in the Fountain. Opinion of the jealous man. HE is more afraid than hurt (said Opinion) he macerateth his mind without cause, and troubleth his thoughts without true reason: his wife is fair, therefore he thinketh her false: of a witty disposition, therefore he deemeth her a wagge-taile: all that speak to her, he thinketh woo her, & every man that looketh on her, he judgeth loves her: let her speak him fair, than she feigneth, let her use him dutifully, than she doth counterfeit: if she keepeth home, it is volens nolens against her will: let her go abroad, than his head acheth, and his heart panteth: is she neatly arrayed, that is but to allure and please others: is she homely dressed, she knoweth he will keep house that day: go they in the streets together, if she glanceth but a side, he knoweth her mind forsooth: courtesy in her, is the loadstone of her lust: and affability the cunning Orator for her concupiscence: bringeth he any to his table, if she carve them, it is in hope of some amorous requital: if she drink to them, their pledgings are but as pledges of their concealed loves: they which proffer him kindness, he surmiseth it pretended for opportunity to his wife: and they which frequent his house, be they of his nearest alliance or kindred, he suspecteth: to be brief with him, she is his fortunes fore-staller, his minds misery, his body's bane, a reiecter of his most intimate familiars, a suspicious ill liver (for the wife would never have sought her daughter in the Oven, unless she herself had been there in former times) an erroneous heretic in the opinion of his wife, an unreasonable and causeless jealous man. The Fortune-tellers Oration to the jealous man, declaring his folly and fortune. SIr, of all men, I hold you most senseless, who without certain ground and sure experience should misconceit, that which was never meant you: cannot your wife be fair, but lascivious? what say you to Lucretia? can you not be absent? but she will play foul? how think you of Penelope? who in the ten years absence of her husband, lined chaste and untouched: but suppose that which you suspect, were certain: sores past cure are past care: Quod factum est, infectum esse nequit: that which is done cannot be undone: that which will be shall be: if she be chaste and virtuous, no beauty can tempt her, no gifts allure her, no persuasions win her: but if she be disloyal, keep her never so close, she will sometime or other fly out in despite of you. iam seruaris bene corpus adultera mens est Nec custodiri, ni velit ipsa potest. Centum fronte oculos centum Ceruice gerebat: Argus & hos unus saepe fefellit amor. ovid. When jupiter loved Io, a delicious Damsel, his wife being mistrustful, dogged him, to find out his dealing: who to conceal his fault, turned the Lady into an Haifer, which juno begged, and resigned to the custody of Argus, who although he was feigned to have an hundred eyes: yet was he beguiled of the jewel he watched so narrowly: so be you never so vigilant and circumspect, if she be so disposed, she will, Non caret effectu quod volvere duo: needless therefore will your care be if you have no cause: and although you have good reason of none effect, Naturam expellas furca, licet usque recurret: Now to your fortune: if you be obstinate in your belief, and so confirm in your false faith, you will martyr yourself most miserably, your body will be soon wasted, and your substance consumed, because when your thoughts are distracted with such frivolous matters, you can never seriously negotiate your estate-concerning, and supporting designs, your best way therefore, is to think the best, judge the best, et modo te sanum fingito, sanus eris: away the jealous man departed, and an other knocked at the gate. The Lover entering to know his fortune, Mockso describeth him. WHo is that said Fido? I know not, said Mockso, but he looketh very pitifully upon it, and cometh sadly in: a finical fellow he is, and very fashionable, a stiff neck he hath, which God hateth, and a straight doublet, which no drunkard could endure: for if he had it but one sitting, he would not leave it worth a button, sure his tailor hath not done well to make it so short wasted: cry him mercy now I look so low, he hath put all the waste in the knees of his breeches, courage man: if she will not, another will. Opinion of the Lover. AS simple as he standeth there (said Opinion) he hath let his own arm blood himself in stead of a Barber-Surgeon, and quaffed an health thereof in praise of his Mistress when he had done: he hath kneeled oftener in the honour of his sweet heart than his Saviour: he cruciateth himself with thought of her, and wearieth all his friends with talking on her, he is trapped in so long contemplation of her heavenly by him surmised beauty, that some times missing his appointed meals, Oscula dat ligno, he kisseth the post, most dainty face, supposing it his love, and embraceth his pillow or the air in his arms circumference, her body being only imagined present▪ he maketh her a Deity with his adoration, and extolleth the lustre of her eyes above the Sun and Moon: he is elevated into the third heaven when he dreameth of her, and will admit no sublunary resemblances in his comparisons concerning her: though she have a Negro's head, a Virginian nose, a Spanish face, a Flemish neck and a Turkish stature: all the morning he wasteth in finifying his body to please her eye, all the afternoon he culleth out choice and premeditate speeches to delight her ear, all supper while (if they table together) he peereth and prieth into the platters to pick out dainty morsels, to content her maw, and almost all the night he watcheth and prayeth for her, sighing like a senseless beast, and sobbing like a sot, if he be rivaled and put besides her: to be brief, he is his friends pity, his enemy's derision, his soul's sorrow, his body's decay, and his sweetheart's derision: A forsaken lover. Fido his Oration to the Lover, revealing his fondness and fortune. BY this it seemeth you are in love, with whom? a woman: good, what woman? beauteous, rich, or honourable? so, how doth she requite your love? with scorn, hate, derision: she is a woman, the contrary to man, as one defineth: the greatest pleasure that can betide a man, when he is deprived of her: witness Galba, who seeing his neighbour's wife hang herself upon a fig tree, desired a slip thereof to graft, hoping it would bear more such fruit, meaning his wife: The toylsomest burden that cumbereth a man, as he certified, who when the rest of his company cast overboard such stuff as was most cumbersome unto them (being so commanded by the Master of the Ship) took his wife in his arms, with intent to fling her into the Sea, had he not been interrupted. If then a wife be the contrary to an husband, what concord can there be between them? if a pleasure to be lost, who would sigh to be deprived of one? if a burden and clog to be kept, who would not skipp for joy to have his clog taken from him? But she is beauteous, rich, or honourable; what is beauty with untoward conditions, but a fair flower with an ill savour, a painted sepulchre filled with putrid bones? what are riches with wayward qualities, but golden Mazer's fraught with deadly poison? And as the Cynic likened a rich man without knowledge, to a sheep with a golden fleece: so you may resemble a wealthy woman with wilful manners, to a jade with golden trappings: and what is honour? a celestial thing, a radiant star (you will say) but those stars are not all one some be fixae, some errantes, some cadentes: that is, some are fixed, some wandering, some falling stars: but she you admired, was none of the fixed, as her wandering and falling from you, showeth: beside she scorneth, hateth and derideth you: if any of your best friends should serve you so, you would renounce them, yet you will reverence her, your worst enemy: but men of your mould are like Spaniels, which will creep nearest to them that cudgel them; so the frowarder their sweet hearts are, the forwarder are they to crouch unto them: Quod licet ingratum est, quod non licet acrius urit, whereas being less obsequious they might far better, novi mulierum mores, ubi velis nolunt; ubi nolis cupiunt ultro. Some reason had Censorius Cato to leave this precept, for future times, Trust not a woman: the dogged Philosopher knew causes enough, when he said it was too late for the old man, and too soon for the young to marry. Yet I speak not this in disgrace of virtuous women, or to deter you from marriage: but for a man the King & commander of all earthly creatures, whose body is pure, whose mind more magnanimous, to be dejected in spirit, pale in physiognomy, lean in his limbs, and all for a woman: nay for such a woman as doth scorn, hate, and deride him: fie it is intolerable. Were she true and faithful unto you, in lawful and honest sort, I would kindle and combine you with the best counsel I could: but being otherwise, take these precepts, which if you follow, will allay all lust and love in you: The first is, to abandon idleness, the nurse of wantonness: The second, shun solitariness, and be either doing something, or discoursing and passing the time away in company: The third, to have a good conceit of yourself, to cheer up your spirits, and doubt not, but to have her betters: The fourth is, to mince and extenuate any laudable part in her, but to display and augment whatsoever deformity you know by her: for love is feigned blind, because he cannot judge aright, but maketh a mountain of a Molehill, a Saint of a Sow: the best course therefore to banish him, is, to contrary him in all his asseverations, to prize at a low rate, that he highly vallueth: as for instance, Is the party fat? fat meat will cloy any man: Is she lean? what good stomach careth for bones? if she be pale of complexion, she will prove but a puler: is she high coloured? an ill cognizance: is she silent? the still Sow will eat up all the draff: doth she talk much? a prattling gossip she is likely to prove, and who would be troubled with a tattling tongue, and such like? Fiftly, if she useth you hardly either in words or deeds, or countenanceth any of your enemies or evil willers, set it down in your Table-books, and write it upon the wall in your bedchamber, that you may at all times better remember them: & consider, if she tendered you, she would not wrong you: Many more could I express, but I should be over-tedious: therefore to your fortune, which now is bad enough, neither would I wish any worse, though I should wish them hanged, for hanging is the end of care, but love the entrance: but what will be hereafter, that is as your choice is: if you be advised, hope the best, if not, look for crooked fortune, as well as some of your betters have had before you: away the Lover walked, and another came to the gate. The Virgin entereth to know her fortune, Mockso describing her. WHo is it said Fido? Diana or one of her darlings, he replied, I am perplexed with her proportion, the very glimpse of her, hath amazed me: beauty sitteth enthronized on herbrowes, modesty in her eyes, health in her cheeks, silence on her tongue, Balsamum in her breath, immaculation on her neck, temperance on her waste, comeliness on her whole body: Cytherea may sigh at her portraiture: Delia blush at her behaviour: her looks turn not too and fro, her speech is not obstreperous, no pride in her apparel, no affectation in her gate: the map of modesty, and picture of pureness. Opinion of the Virgin. REmtenes (said Opinion) now you have laid giving aside, you have eased me of a labour, a purblind wit may perceive what she is: an immaculate virgin. The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Virgin, encouraging her to chastity, and showing her fortune. AMiable Maid, which hitherto hast led a chaste and unpolluted life, Non est digna ponderatio continentis animae. persever still as you have begun, and make no doubt but to be right happy, being enriched with so unestimable a jewel as chastity: which is a celestial beatitude, the sister of the Angels, the conqueress of concupiscence, the Queen of virtues, although it vouchsafeth to inhabit the mind and body of you an earthly creature: seeing therefore it is such an inestimable jewel, how warily are you to keep it? such a Peerless Princess, how loyally are you to love it? Maior victoria virginum quam angelorum. such a victorious triumpher, how carefully are you to guard it? so unmatchably allied, how much are you to make of it? All which that you may the better effect, He giveth her a Lily the hierogliphic of chastity. I will bestow this flower upon you: it is a Lily not natural, but artificially composed like to a natural Lily, having six silver leaves, containing six several posies, to preserve your chastity: the first whereof hath this posy engraven in it: Cibi & potus sobrietas: that is, temperance in eating and drinking, which is an efficient cause to quell & conquer wantonness: whereas excess of both, or either of them, doth animate and make it rebellious, and also disfigure the party pleased with the same: for immoderate eating breedeth five blemishes in the behaviour of a virgin, which do deform her reputation, more than fifteen weals or pimples would disgrace her face: The first is scurrility of speech, a naughty thing in any; The second, talkativeness or much babbling: The third, a foolish joy or petulant kind of gesture: The fourth, vomiting, belching, or such like: The fift, drowsiness of body and dullness of mind: which although they are slightly observed in others: yet are they sooner marked in a maiden: as black spots easier espied in a white cloth, then in dark coloured vestures: touching inordinate drinking of wine, all are forbidden it, but you especially of all others, Virgo fugiat vinum ut venenum: nam vinum in adolescentia est duplex incendium voluptatis: that is, a virgin ought to reject wine, as poison, which is a twofold firebrand to kindle lust in youth: Sine Cerere & Baccho friget Venus. abstinence therefore is the first weapon to defend chastity, and put the enemy to flight: which as it is comely in any presence, so it is commodious for any feminine parsonage: keeping them from fogginess, grossness and fiery faces: Deducunt cibum, tametsi est bona natura ut reddant curatura iunceas, that is, as one said of Virgins in his time, they pinch their bellies of meat (a good custom) that they might be as small as bulrushes. The second leaf of this Lily hath engraven in it Asperitas vestitus, that is, coarseness and plainness of apparel: for garish and fantastical clothes, are speechless reporters of wanton minds, therefore said one which had some traffic with such light stuff: Vestitus in siguis & mollis superbiae vexillum, nidusque luxury. that sumptuous and soft raiments were the Ensigns of pride: but light and lose clothing the index of luxury: and as in old time such as sold horses, were wont to put flowers or boughs upon their heads, to reveal that they were vendible: so, such as trim and trick themselves with toys & gewgaws, show that they are willing, if any will: let therefore your apparel be plain, yet comely, which will stop the mouth of evil report: and as course as you can endure it, if you mean to tame your lust. Otia si tollas periere Cupidinis arcus. ovid. The third leaf is set down laboris strenuitas: labour and exercise, for if your mind be busied about any good huswifrie, or settled seriously upon any honest exercise, lust can have no power over you, therefore we read how Penelope, a constant Lady, would card and to ace wool herself, lest she should be idle, and consequently subject to lascivious thoughts and deeds, in the ten years absence of her husband: and the Vestals if at any time they had let the fire on the Altar go out, they were enjoined to kindle it again with the beams of the sun. In the fourth leaf, is printed Custodia sensuum: that is, not to give your senses any scope or liberty, Vitijs in animum per oculos est via. especially the sight, or hearing, for iniquity through the eyelids glideth into the heart: and many have been entrapped by giving audience to the alluring songs of the Sirens. In the fift leaf, modestia verborum, modest words you must use, qualis homo, talis oratio, such as the woman is such are her words, for a proud woman will be rapping arrogant words, a foolish woman fond words, a wanton woman lascivious words, but a chaste woman modest words and few: Therefore said a grave Father, that the speech of a virgin ought to be wise, civil, slow and sparing: that she might be accounted as excellent for her speech, as for her chastity: for evil words corrupt good manners. In the sixth and last leaf of this Lily, is written, Fuga opportunitatum, the eschewing of opportunity, to shun the company and conversation of men: for, albeit I am a man myself, and shall be reputed foolish to bewray mine own nest, yet to benefit such a goodly creature as yourself, whom it were villainy to injury, I will display the practices of some, though all use not the same, that you may take heed of any, that would go about to rifle you of your dearest jewel, without law or honesty, I mean marriage. Men generally are wiser than women in goodness, yet are they sillier in wickedness and contriving deceit, then crafty and sensual women: and as they are more simple than crafty women: so are they subtler than well minded maidens, who as they are guiltless of effecting deceit: so are they innocent of suspecting deceit. It is no glory (I confess) to deceive a woman, no point of valour to overthrow the weaker vessel, yet if this weaker vessel be artificially garnished, and naturally beautified, what labour will they not take to attain it? what watching will they omit to steal it? what wealth will they spare for to compass it? and when they have gotten it into their custody, how do some of them esteem it? even as children gewgaws, to dandle and play with it a while: but as soon as they eye a new devise, they cast away the old, and never are in quiet, till they be fingering the new, or as Warriors of old time, which did spend much cost and pains to subdue a City, and when they had brought it into subjection, rifled it and ransacked it; marched to another, and so to a third, etc. There was a pure virgin (as I heard) dwelling not far from me, who had so firmly devoted herself to chastity, that the Inhabitants thereabout did admire her; till a lusty gallant, rich and well proportioned wooed her, who never left battering the Bulwark of her heart with piercing oaths, vows and protestations, darted from his smooth tongue, till he had almost brought her to the bay: within a while after she had considered his actions, how he would tear his hair, weep in most seeming sadness, kiss her hand with fear and trembling, and proffer unrequested many servile ceremonies, fearing herself to break an oath or violate a vow, trusted that he had the same fear in him, which he had not, condescended to his desire; which so soon as he had accomplished, forsook her utterly: after him another came unto her, and served her with the same sauce: then a third: at last, she began to wax wary: a fourth came unto her, whose fashion was to try all, and if they agreed, left them incontinently, but he laboured in vain, for his gifts could prevail nothing, nor his promises persuade her (she had fair warning one would think): to be brief, he liked, loved and married her, and the second night as they lay together, the good man said to her, Thou knowest sweet heart how often I tempted thee, and I protest, if thou hadst consented, I had forsaken thee utterly: tut, tut husband, said she, (sure she was half a sleep, and half waking) I trow I was a little wiser than so, for three had served me in the like sort, before ever I be●eld your face. This I do not relate, that you should make the same experiment, but that you might avoid the like men, for he that maketh no scruple to break the seventh commandment, will make as little conscience to keep the third: beside, if he should keep his promise, he would have you always in jealousy: for if you fear not to displease God, before you are married (who forbiddeth fornication) will not your husband be persuaded, that you will have as little fear to commit adultery, when you are espoused? take this Lily, and think upon every word and posy engraven in it: and above all, believe not words importing any dishonest request. I have a picture here to the same purpose: look upon this Lady, it was Dido Queen of Carthage, who being too credulous in believing a wandering Prince, fell to folly with him, and after forsaken, caused a great fire to be made, and for grief and anguish leapt into it: this other is Phillis Queen of Rhodope, a virgin, before she lent an attentive ear to Demophoon, a man of royal race, who after he had gotten his purpose, never returned near her again, so that for shame and avoiding future sorrow, she hung herself, as this picture lively expresseth: take it with you, and think that if these two beauteous Queens were deceived, it were an hazard for to trust, Fide, sed cui vide: it is an old saying, try before you trust: but if Maidens follow that saying, they may be trust round before, and after served as these were. Away the Virgin walked, like juno in the Empire, and others were at the gate e●●ting entrance, but Fido being weak and wea● dismissed them, till some other time, and forthwith committed his self to his Closet. FINIS.