holland's leaguer.  
AN EXCELLENT COMEDY AS IT HATH been LATELY and often Acted with great applause, by the high and mighty Prince CHARLES his Servants; at the private house in Salisbury Court.  
Written by SHACKERLEY MARMYON, Master of Arts.  
— Vult haec sub luce videri,  
Indicis argutum quia non formidat acumen.  
Printed at London by I.B. for JOHN GROVE dwelling in Swan-Yard within Newgate. 1632.   

To the Reader.  
Courteous Reader (for so I presume thou art) if otherwise, thou losest the title of being styled ingenious; for there are none but favour learning, if they so much as pretend to it: but I hope I need make no apology, either to gain thy favour, or to credit the Work, it has so often passed with approbation, that I have hopes it will continue it. If there be any so supercilious to condemn it, before they read it, let them rest content with the title, and not enter into the Theater, unless they intend to behold the florals. However, my Muse has descended to this subject; let men esteem of her, only as a reprover, not an interpreter of wickedness: Occultare peccantis, promulgare ludentis est.  
Aristippus being compelled to dance in purple against the dignity of a Philosopher, made an excuse, that the baits of sin had no power on a good nature: and Plato having composed wanton Verses, affirmed, that the more plain they were, the more honest: and your former Writers, in their accurate discovery of vice, have mingled the precepts of wisdom. If thou shalt accept this as it was simply meant, the applause it has obtained, shall not so much crown it as thy acceptation.  
SHACKERLEY MARMYON.   

Dramatis Personae.  

Philautus, a Lord enamoured of himself .William brown.  
Ardelio, his parasite .Ellis Worth.  
Trimalchio, a humorous gallant .Andrew Keyne.  
Agurtes, an Impostor .Mathew Smith.  
Autolicus, his disciple .james Sneller.  
Capritio, a young Novice .Henry Gradwell.  
Miscellanio, his Tutor .Thomas Bond.  
Snarl, friends to Philautus .Richard Fowler.  
Fidelio. friends to Philautus .Edward May.  
jeffery, tenant to Philautus Robert Huyt.  
Triphoena, wife to Philautus .Robert Stratford.  
Faustina, sister to Philautus .Richard Godwin.  
Millescent, daughter to Agurtes .john Wright.  
Margery her maid .Richard Fouch.  
Quartilla, Gentlewoman to Triphoena .Arthur Savill.  
Bawd .Samuel Mannery.  
2 Whores. Pander. Officers.    

Prologue.  
GEntle spectators, that with graceful eye  
Come to behold the muse's Colony,  
New planted in this soil; forsook of late  
By the Inhabitants, since made fortunate  
By more propitious stars; though on each hand  
To overtop us, two great Laurels stand;  
The one, when she shall please to spread her train,  
The vastness of the Globe cannot contain;  
Th'other so high, the Phoenix does aspire  
To build in, and takes new life from the fire  
Bright Poesy creates; yet we partake  
The Influence they boast of, which does make  
Our bays to flourish, and the leaves to spring,  
That on our branches now new Poets sing;  
And when with joy he shall see this resort,  
Phoebus shall not disdain to style't his Court.   

holland's leaguer.  

ACT. 1.  

SCEN. 1.  Fidelio, Snarle. Fid. 
WHat Snarl, my dear Democritus, how is't?  
You are a Courtier grown, I hear.  Snarl. 
No Sir:  
That's too deep a mystery for me to profess.  
I spend my own revenues, only I have  
An itching humour to see fashions.  Fidel. 
And what have you observed, since you came hither?  Snarl. 
Why they do hold here the same Maxim still;  
That to dissemble, is the way to live:  
But promotion hangs all upon one chain,  
And that's of gold; he that intends to climb,  
Must get up by the links; and those are tied  
Together, with the thread of my Lords favour.  Fidel. 
So Sir.  Snar. 
And all desire to live long, and healthy;  
But ambition and luxury will not permit it.  Fid. 
I hope you do not share in their desires.  Sna. 
There is other preposterous dealing too;  
For nature cannot find herself amongst them,  
There's such effeminacy in both sexes,  
They cannot be distinguished asunder;  
And for your times and seasons of all ages;  
Your best ginger cannot discern them,  
Not Spring from Autumn; you shall have a Lady,  
Whose cheek is like a screw, and every wrinkle  
Would look like a furrow, yet with a garnish  
Is so filled up and plastered, that it looks  
As fresh as a new painted tavern only  Fid. 
Hold there, you'll run yourself out of breath else:  
And now resolve me of the Lord Philautus:  
Is all that true that is reported of him?  Snar. 
Who, he? the most besotted on his beauty;  
He studies nothing but to court himself;  
No Music but the harmony of his limbs;  
No work of art but his own symmetry,  
Allures his sense to admiration.  
And then he comes forth so bathed in perfumes,  
Had you no sense to guide you, but your nose,  
You'd think him a musk-cat, he smells as rank,  
As th'extreme unction of two funerals.  Fid. 
My sense will note be able to endure him.  Sna. 
Such men as smell so, I suspect their favour.  Fid. 
Is none his friend to tell him of his faults?  Sna. 
There want not some, that seek to flatter him;  
For great men's vices are esteemed as virtues.  Fid. 
O they are still in fashion: in them  
A wry neck is a comely precedent:  
Disorder, disagreement in their lives  
And manners is thought regular, their actions  
Are still authentic, if it be received;  
To be illiterate, is a point of state.  
But the worst thing which I dislike in him,  
Which he does more by words then action:  
He gives out that the Ladies dote upon him,  
And that he can command them at his pleasure,  
And swears, there's scarce an honest woman.  Fid. 
How.  Sna. 
It is not well to say so, but by this light,  
I am of his mind too.  Fid. 
You are deceived,  
There are a thousand chaste.  Snar. 
There was an age  
When juno was a maid, and Jove had no beard,  
When miserable Atlas was not oppressed  
With such a sort of deities, and each  
Dined by himself: before Ushers and Pages  
Swarmed so, and Banquets, and your Masques came up  
Riding in Coaches, visiting, and Titles,  
So many Plays, and Puritan preachings,  
That women might be chaste; now 'tis impossible:  
Now should I find such a prodigious faith,  
I'd honour't with a sacrifice.  Fid. 
'tis ill  
To be incredulous, when charity  
Exacts your belief: but let that pass:  
What will you say, if I find out a means  
To cure him of his folly?  Snar. 
Then I pronounce  
The destruction of Bedlam, and all mad folks  
Shall be thy patients.  Fid. 
Nay, I'll do it:  
I'll make him in love, and do it.  Snar. 
That's a cure  
Worse than any disease. I can as soon  
Believe a fire may be extinct with oil,  
Or a Fever cooled with drinking of Sack.  Fid. 
Suspend your judgement, till I confirm you.  Snarl. 
No more, stand by, here comes the Parasite.  
That is Narcissus, and this is his Echo.  Fid. 
What is he?  Snar. 
One that feeds all men's humours that feed him,  
Can apprehend their jests, before they speak them,  
And with a forced laughter play the Midwife.  
To bring them forth, and carries still in store  
A Plaudite, when they break wind, or urine.  
He fits his Master right, although he ne'er  
Took measure of him, and though he has not been  
Far from home, yet will lie like a Traveller.  
he'll rather vex you with officiousness  
Than you shall pass unsaluted: his business  
Is only to be busy, and his tongue's still walking,  
Though himself be one of the worst movables:  
A confused lump leavened with knavery.  
Stand by a little, and let's hear his discourse.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 2.  Ardelio, jeffry, Fidelio, Snarle. Ard. 
jeffry come hither.  Ieff. 
Sir, I wait upon you.  Ard. 
jeffry, you know that I have ever been  
Indulgent to your knaveries.  Ieff. 
I thank your worship, you have ever been my friend.  Ard. 
Winked at your faults.  Ieff. 
True.  Ard. 
And the reason is.  
Because I still am welcome to thy wife.  Ieff. 
Your worship may be welcome there at all times.  Ard. 
Honest jeffry, thou shalt lose nothing by it.  
You know my authority in the house: my Lord  
Puts all the care into my hands, has left me  
The managing of his estate, because  
I know the way to humour him.  Ieff. 
That is an evident token of your worship's wisdom.  Ard. 
And none of them have any place or being,  
Without my sufferance.  Ieff. 
Sir, you are of power to disperse us like atoms.  Ard. 
Therefore I expect the reverence is due unto my place.  Ieff. 
And reason good.  Ard. 
Well, for thy honest care,  
I mean to substitute thee under me  
In all inferior matters, for I mean  
To take my ease, and pamper up my Genius,  
As well as he, only for entertainments,  
Or any thing belongs unto the Kitchen;  
Let me alone,  Ieff. 
Yes Sir, your providence  
Has showed itself sufficiently that way.  Ard. 
I'll take the air in his Coach, eat of the best,  
And for my private drinking, I will have  
My choice of Wines, filled out of vessels, whose age  
Has worn their country's name out, and their own,  
Like some unthankful Hospital, or College,  
That has forgot their Founder.  Snar. 
To what purpose,  
I wonder, should Nature create this fellow?  
He is good for nothing else, but to maintain  
The mutiny of the Paunch, against the members.  
Keep him from his Whore, and his Sack, and you  
Detain him from his centre.  Ard. 
By the way,  
I will acquaint thee with a secret jeffry.  Ieff. 
What's that, Sir?  Ard. 
I do love a pretty Wench well.  Ieff. 
'tis the only gentile humour that is extant.  Ard. 
I will not leave my recreation that way  
For a whole Empire, 'tis my summum bonum,  
My sole felicity, tickles my conceit,  
But not a word.  Ieff. 
Not I by any means, Sir?  Ard. 
And for this cause, I mean t'apply myself  
Wholly to my Venery. I feel this heat  
Renews my blood, and makes me younger for it.  
And thou shalt keep one for me at thy house.  Ieff. 
Where, at my house?  Ard. 
ay, there, a heavy burden  
Of fleshly desires, daily grows upon me;  
And ease works on my nature, once a week,  
When I am ballasted with wine, and lust,  
I'll sail to my Canaries.  Ieff. 
And unlade there.  Ard. 
Wilt keep her form, & let none come near her.  Ieff. 
I have had such favour at your worship's hands,  
That should good fortune come in humane shape  
To tempt your Mistress, I'd not let her in.  Ard. 
I'll procure thee the Lease of thy house free,  
And when I have done, I'll see it shan't stand empty:  
Hast thou any good rooms for Stowage there?  Ieff. 
Spare rooms enough, Sir, why do you ask?  Ard. 
Because I will convey away some Household stuff.  
That's not amiss.  Ief. 
No Sir.  Ard. 
'tis quite against my nature to see any vacuum.  
Besides, 'tis not an age to be honest in.  Ieff. 
That's the high way to poverty.  Ard. 
I mean to make the benefit of my place therefore.  
And when I have done, I'd fain see all your Artists,  
Your Politicians with their Instruments  
And Plummets of wit, sound the depth of me.  Ieff. 
It lies not in the reach of man to fathom it.  Ard. 
Were I set in a place of justice now,  
They would admire me, how I should become it;  
Cough on the Bench of State, sit in my nightcap,  
Stroke out an Apophthegm out of my beard,  
Frame a grave City face, jeer at offenders,  
Cry out upon the vices of the times,  
O Tempores, O morums.  Snar. 
How the rank Rascal  
Is overgrown with flesh and villainy?  Ard. 
This getting of money is a mystery,  
Is to be learned before a man's Alphabet,  
No matter how, 'tis supposed, he that has it  
Is wise and virtuous, though he be obscure,  
A fugitive, and perjured, any thing,  
He, and his cause, shall neither want for friends.  
He is the chick of the white Hen, old Fortune:  
whate'er he treads upon, shall be a Rose.  
He shall be invited to his Capon, and Custard,  
Ride to the Sheriffs a feasting on his Foot cloth,  
Possess the highest room, have the first carving,  
With please you eat of this, or that, my Noble,  
My Right Worshipful brother? your rich men  
Shall strive to put their sons to be his Pages,  
And their wives to be his Concubines.  Ieff. 
Shall marry young ones a purpose for him.  Snar. 
Very likely.  Ard. 
No more, be gone, I hear my Lord a coming,  
I'll send thee my Wench, mark me, keep her close:  Ieff. 
Believe it, not a breath of air comes near her,  
But what steals in at the window.  Ard. 
'Tis well said.  Ieff. 
But stay, Sir, will she not be too great a charge  
To keep her to yourself, what if you hired her  
By the month, as your Factors do beyond Sea,  
And when she is grown old and leaky, Sir,  
Mend her i'th' dock, and fraught her over for Holland.  Ard. 
ay, o'er the water, 'twas well thought upon.  
I think, and she were trimmed up, she would serve  
At last for such a voyage well enough.  
What wilt thou say, when I have done with her,  
If I do make thee Master of my bottom?  Ieff. 
Who me? the devil shall be the Pilot first,  
Ere I come near their quicksands, their base roads.  
They have a dangerous Key to come into.  Ard. 
whate'er the Key be, still the door's kept fast.  Ieff. 
As strict as an Alderman's at dinner time:  
ay, and the way to hell is grown so narrow,  
A man's in danger to pass over, for if  
We reel beside the bridge, straight we shall fall  
Into a Lake that will foully dight us,  
Darker and deeper, than Styx or Cocytus.  Adr. 
Well rhymed jeffry, this knave will come in time,  
By being often in my Company,  
And gleaning but the refuse of my speech,  
T'arrive at some proportion of wit,  
But to avoid suspicion, be gone.  Exit jeffry. 
Now would I see the man that should affront me.  
My Lord will straight be here, I'll entertain him,  
And talk as superciliously, and walk  
As stately, as the Warden of a college,  
Until I have made a right Pupil of him.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 3.  Snarle, Fidelio, Ardelio. Snar. 
HOw now Ardelio, what? so melancholy?  Ard. 
Faith all this day I have been so employed  
With setting things in order, and provisions,  
I can compare my pains to nothing less,  
Than a Lord Generals.  Snar. 
Why what's the matter?  Ard. 
Things must be ordered, and there's nothing  
Done, unless I oversee it; my industry  
Must marshal the Dishes, put the Stools in rank,  
See the Wood set upon the carriages,  
Sharpen the Knives; all these witness my care  
The very shining of the Candlesticks  
Acknowledge my directions.  Snar. 
'tis much,  
The strange activity that some men have  
To dispatch business.  Ard. 
Why Sir, did you never  
Hear how Apelles pictured Homer spewing,  
And all the Poets gaping to receive it?  Snar. 
Yes, and what then?  Ard. 
In the same manner do I,  
Upon the Hushers, the Clarks, and the Butlers,  
The Cooks, and other Officers, 'mongst whom  
I find to be a drought of understanding,  
Shower down the dregs of my counsel.  Snar. 
They are like to be well edified.  Ard. 
Here comes my Lord, make room for my Lords grace.   

ACT. 1. scen. 4.  Philautus, Triphaena, Trimalchio, Ardelio. Snarle, Fidelio. Ard. 
GOd save your honour, may your flourishing youth  
Enjoy an everlasting spring of beauty,  
And know no Autumn.  Philau. 
Thanks good Ardelio:  
Your wishes have effect, this is the tree,  
Under whose shadow Flora builds her Bower,  
And on whose branches, hangs such tempting fruit,  
Would draw fair Atalanta from her course;  
An Altar, on which Queens should sacrifice  
Their scorned loves: Nature will scarce believe  
It is her own invention, and repines  
She has no way to be incestuous.  Triphae. 
Mr. Trimalchio, I am sick to hear him.  
I can't abide these repetitions,  
And tedious Encomiums of himself:  
Let you and I walk a turn in the Garden.  Trim. 
You are the only Garden of my delight,  
And I your dear Adonis, honoured Lady.  Exeunt Trimalchio, Triphaena. Philau. 
Ardelio, tell me how this suit becomes me?  Ard. 
Exactly well, Sir without controversy,  
And you wear it as neatly.  Philau. 
Nay I have  
A reasonable good tailor, I hope he has not  
Surveyed me so long, but he knows my dimensions.  
I think, I may venture i'th' presence with it.  Ard. 
I'th' presence, ay, and love were in the presence,  
You'd thrust Ganymede out of his office.  Philan. 
What think you Gentlemen?  Fid. 
We all do wish,  
Your beauty, or your vanity were less.  
For by this means, that which would else commend you,  
Proves your disgrace, you take the edge of praise off,  
Is due to you, by too much whetting it.  Philau. 
I should prove too injurious to myself,  
Should I pass over, with a slight regard,  
This building, Nature has solemnised  
With such Magnificence, to which I owe  
The loves of Ladies, and their daily presents,  
Their hourly solicitations with letters,  
Their entertainments when I come, their plots  
They lay to view me, which should I recount,  
'Twould puzzle my Arithmetic, and to answer  
Their unjust desires, would ask the labours  
Of some ten Stallions.  Ard. 
And make all jades of them.  Fid. 
You are the Centre of all women's love then.  Philau. 
'Tis true, I have a strange attractive power  
Over your females, did you never hear of  
Three Goddesses, that strove on Ida hill,  
Naked before a shepherd, for a Ball,  
With an inscription; Let the fairest have it.  Fidel. 
And what of those?  Phil. 
Bring them all three before me:  
If I surprise them not all at first dash,  
If they fall not together by the ears for me,  
Nay, if they run not mad, and follow me,  
As if they were drunk with a love potion,  
ne'er trust a Prognosticator again.  Snar. 
But how if you should chance to meet Diana?  
Take heed of her, it is a testy Girl,  
A professed Virgin. Phil. 'Tis my ambition  
To meet with her, to bathe my limbs with her,  
In the same Well, shoot in her bow, dance with her,  
And get the foremost of her troop with child,  
And turn the rape on jupiter.  Snar. 
Fine i'faith.  Fid. 
It seems that you are of opinion,  
There is no text of womankind so holy,  
But may be corrupted, though a Deity.  Philau. 
Ardelio, tell me what thou dost think of them.  Ard. 
Who I? hang me should I be questioned  
Now for my faith, concerning Articles,  
Of women's chastity, I should be burnt  
For a rank Heretic, I believe none of them.  Fid. 
But I think otherwise; and can justify it.  
What if I bring you now unto a beauty  
As glorious as the Sun, but in desire  
Cold, as the middle Region of the air,  
And free from all reflection of lust?  Philau. 
But shall I speak with her, and tempt her to it?  Fid. 
You shall converse with her, and she shall feed  
Your sense with such discursive influence,  
And a voice sweeter than the Lydian tunes  
jove would bow down his ear to, yet her blood  
Shall run as cold as julips through her veins:  
The springtide of her youth, shall swell with more  
Delights, than there be drops in April, yet she  
As chaste as Salmacis, amidst the streams.  
Her eye shall sparkle like the Diamond,  
And be as pure, her kisses soft and melting,  
As the South wind; but undefiled as heaven.  
And you shall feel the Elemental fire  
Of her unspotted love, and grieve, and swear  
She is so celestial, and Divine a creature,  
That's only hot in her effect, not nature.  Philau. 
Why such an one would I converse withal.  
The Conquest will be greater, shall I see her?  Fid. 
I'll bring you to her.  Ard. 
He has a strong belief.  
I have no such confidence, she may be Lucrece,  
And he a foolish Collatine to brag of her.  
But most of them, in playing fast and loose,  
Will cheat an Oracle. I have a creature  
Before these, Courtiers lick their lips at her,  
I'll trust a wanton baggage in the wind.  Fid. 
This Lady is sister and 〈◊〉 mistress.  
Yet both unknown to him, some few years since,  
Her father jealous of my love, because  
I was a Gentleman of no great fortune,  
Sent her away, and charged her by an oath,  
To marry none, till seven years were expired,  
Six parts of which are gone, yet she remains  
Constant to what she promised, though his death,  
Has partly quit her: To live in her sight,  
And not enjoy her, is a heavenly torment,  
But unsufferable, I must live apart,  
Till the prefixed minute be expired.  
In the mean time, I'll work by some good means,  
To win his love, and draw him from his folly.  
But first by him, I'll try her constancy.  
I must prepare her for his entertainment,  
Because she will admit no Company,  
Nor will be known to any, but myself.  
Come Sir, let's go, by that which shall ensue,  
You shall affirm, what I relate, is true.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 5.  Agurtes, Autolicus. Agur. 
'tIs a dull age this same, casts not her eyes  
On men of worth, Captains and Commanders,  
Victorious abroad, are vanquished at home,  
With poverty, and disgrace, they look as bad  
As Brutus, when he met his evil Genius:  
Worse, than they had been frighted from the ruins  
Of Isis' Temple; and you Sir, for your part,  
That have been brought up under me at my elbow,  
A daily witness unto all my projects,  
That might have got experience enough  
To cozen a whole State, if they had trusted you.  
Now to be wanting to yourself, worn out,  
No name, or title, but on posts, and trenchers,  
And doors, scored with a coal, in stead of chalk.  
Are my hopes come to this?  Autol. 
What should I do?  
I have no thriving way to lie and flatter,  
Nor have I such dexterity of wit  
As you have (blessed be heaven) to convert  
Black into white.  Agur. 
Nay, if you have no will,  
Nor power to free yourself, you must resolve  
To stick in the dirt still.  Autol. 
Nor can I promise  
The death of any by the Stars, I have  
No rich man's funeral to solemnize,  
That left a guilt ring for my Legacy,  
And his old Velvet jerkin to survive him.  
I have no secret boils within my breast.  
For which I am feared, no suit in Law to follow,  
No accusation 'gainst a great man,  
No house to let to farm, no tender wife  
To prostitute, or skill to corrupt others,  
And sleep amidst their wanton Dialogues.  Agur. 
I cry you mercy, you would fain be styled  
An honest politic fool, see all men's turns  
Served but your own; so leave off to be good.  
For what is now accounted to be good?  
Take a good Lawyer, or a good Attorney,  
A Citizen that's a good Chapman;  
In a good sense what are they? I would knows  
Why a good Gamester, or a good Courtier?  
Is't for their honest dealing? Take a good Poet,  
And if he write not bawdy lines and raptures,  
I'll not give a pin for him.  Autol. 
Would you have me  
Act the plagiary, and seek preferment,  
To be the drunken bard of some black stews?  
And think my destiny well satisfied,  
When my shame feeds me, and at length expect  
A Legacy, bequeathed me from some Bawd,  
In lieu of my old service, or according  
To the proportion of my Hernia.  Agur. 
Well I perceive that I must once more take you  
To my protection, which if I do,  
I'll teach you better rules, you shall no more  
Commit your misery to lose papers.  
Nor court my Lord with Panegyrics, nor make  
Strange Anagrams of my Lady: you shall not need  
To deal for stale Commodities, nor yet  
Send forth your privy Bills without a Seal,  
To free you from your lodging, where you have  
Lain in, most part of the vacation.  
You shall no longer run in score with your hostess  
For brown toasts and Tobacco, but you shall leave  
Your open standings at the ends of Lanes,  
Or your close coverts in Tobacco-shops,  
Where you give strict attendance like a Sergeant,  
Until some antedated Country cloak  
Pass by, whom you most impudently may  
Assault, to borrow twelve pence; but bear up  
Stiffly, and with the best.  Autol. 
How shall that be done?  Agur. 
We will not call Tiresias from the dead,  
To show us how, as he did once Ulysses.  
You must resolve to learn virtue from others,  
Fortune from me.  Autol. 
For that I'll make no scruple.  Agur. 
I have a bird i'th' wind, I'll fly thee on him.  
He shall be thy adventure, thy first quarry.  Autol. 
What's he?  Agur. 
A golden one, that drops his feathers,  
That has received his patrimony, gives money  
For all acquaintance, when he first came up,  
His only search was for prime courtesans.  
And those he entertained for Mistresses,  
Only sometimes to drink a health to them,  
The Ladies too would use him for a cooler,  
But they suspect his silence, yet he uses  
Their names and titles as familiarly  
As he had bought them, thou shalt hook him in,  
And crack him like a Nut.  Autol. 
Is he not the Son  
To the rich Usurer, that died so lately?  Agur. 
The same, that heaped up money by the Bushel;  
And now this studies how to scatter it.  
His father walks to see what becomes of it,  
And that's his torment after death.  Autol. 
When shall I see him?  Agur. 
He is to meet me here within this hour,  
Then take you an occasion to pass by,  
And I will whisper to him privately,  
And praise thee, beyond Pirrhus or Hannibal.  
You must talk, and look big, 'twill be the grace on't.  Autol. 
What shall I turn a Roarer?  Agur. 
Any thing.  
Broker, or Pandar, Cheater, or Lifter,  
And steal like a Lacedaemonian.  
Observe what I do, and fill up the Scene.  Enter Boy. 
How now? what news?  Boy. 
Sir, there's some five or six without to speak with you.  Agur. 
How, five or six.  Boy. 
Yes, Sir, and they pretend  
Great business.  Agur. 
What manner of men are they?  Boy. 
They look like pictures of Antiquity.  
And their cloaks seem to have been the coverings  
Of some old Monuments.  Agur. 
They are my Gibeonites,  
Are come to traffic with me, some design  
Is now on foot, and this is our Exchange time.  
These are my old projectors, and they make me  
The superintendent of their business.  
But still they shoot two or three bows too short,  
For want of money and adventurers.  
They have as many demurs as the Chancery,  
And hatch more strange imaginations  
Than any dreaming Philosopher: one of them  
Will undertake the making of Bay-salt,  
For a penny a Bushel, to serve the State,  
Another dreams of building waterworks,  
Drying of Fens and Marshes, like the Dutchmen.  
Another strives to raise his fortunes, from  
Decayed Bridges, and would exact a tribute  
From Alehouses, and signposts: some there are,  
Would make a thoroughfare for the whole kingdom,  
And office, where Nature should give account  
For all she took, and sent into the world.  
But they were borne in an unlucky hour,  
For some unfortunate mischance or other,  
Still come athwart them; well I must into them,  
And feast them with new hopes, 'twill be good sport,  
To hear how they dispure it, Pro, and Con.  
In the mean time, Autolicus, prepare  
To meet my Courtier.  Antol. 
I have my Q. Sir.    

ACT. 2.  

SCEN. 1.  Agurtes, Trimalchio. Agur. 
'tIs near about the time he promised.  Trim. 
Boy,  
Go and dispatch those Letters presently.  
Return my service to the Lady Lautus.  
And carry back her Watch, and Diamond.  
Ask if the Dutchess has been there today.  
And if you chance to see the Lord her brother,  
Tell him I'll meet him at the Ambassadors.  Boy. 
I shall Sir.  Agur. 
What M. Trimalchio.  
Yo' are punctual to your hour.  
Trim. Sir, for your sake,  
I can dispense with my occasions.  
You'll not imagine what a heavy stir,  
I had to come today.  Agur. 
Why what's the matter?  Trim. 
No less than seven Coaches to attend me,  
To fetch me Volens, Nolens.  Agur. 
Pray from whom?  Trim. 
The Lord Philantus, and some minor Nobles.  
Whose names, I am loath should clog my memory.  
They strove for me, as the seven Grecian Cities  
Were said to wrangle about the blind Poet.  Agur. 
How got you rid of them?  Trim. 
I had the grace  
To go with none of them, made an excuse.  
T' avoid their troublesome visitations.  Agur. 
How do they relish your neglect of them?  Trim. 
I know not, yet I still abuse them all.  Agur. 
How? not abuse them.  Trim. 
I mean laugh at them.  
Some passages, some sprinkling of my wit,  
No otherwise, for which you little think  
How I am feared amongst them, how the Ladies  
Are took with my conceits, how they admire  
My wit, and judgement, trust me with their secrets,  
Beyond their Painter, or Apothecary.  
I'll tell you in a word, but 'twill perplex you,  
I am their Lasanophorus.  Agur. 
Their pisspot carrier.  Trim. 
Their winged Mercury, to be employed  
On messages, and for my company,  
They swear it is the Element they move in.  Agur. 
You are happy, Signior Trimalchio.  Trim. 
I thank my Fates, they have not altogether  
Envied me the fruition of such gifts  
Are worth the taking notice of, besides  
Some special helps of our own industry.  
I lately studied the economics.  Agur. 
What's that?  Trim. 
The ordering of my Family.  
I have reduced it to a certain method.  Agur. 
As how?  Trim. 
I'll tell you, since, my father's death,  
First thing I did, I cashiered his old servants;  
And to avoid confusion, and expense,  
I left the Country, to revel it here.  
I'th' view of th' world, and in the sight of beauties,  
And have confined myself unto some certain  
Appendices, some necessary implements.  
My single Page, my Coach, my Groom, my Footboy,  
And my two pensionary Whores.  Agur. 
And these  
Are all your inventory.  Trim. 
Stay, who comes there?  Enter Autolicus. Agur. 
O 'tis Autolicus.  
My Noble friend and brother of the Sword;  
His stomach, and his Blade are of one temper,  
Of equal edge, and will eat flesh alike.  
He walks there melancholy; to show that worth  
Can pass unregarded, be proud to know him,  
He is the shrewdest pated fellow breathing,  
The only engineer in Christendom,  
Will blow you up a Carrack like a squib,  
And row under water. th' Emperor,  
And Spinola, by secret intelligence,  
Have laid out for him any time this ten years,  
And twice he has escaped them by a trick.  
He is beyond Doedalus, or Archimedes,  
But lives concealed like a Seminary,  
For fear the State should take notice of him.  
Machiavel for policy, was a Dunce to him,  
And had he lived in Mahomet's days, h' had been  
His only Counsellor for the Alcaron:  
He is newly come from Holland.  Trim. 
My body  
Is all of an itch, to be acquainted with him,  
Pray speak to him for me.  Agur. 
Nay more, he is able  
To make you a perfect Statesman in a month,  
Able to be employed beyond the Line.  Trim. 
You will for ever thrall me to your service.  Agur. 
Hark you, Autolicus, here's a Gentleman,  
Who though he be the Phoebus of the Court,  
So absolute in himself, that the desires  
Of all men tend towards him, and has power  
Enough, to wander in the Zodiac  
Of his own worth, yet craves your acquaintance.  Autol. 
I take, Signior Trimalchio.  Trim. 
Do you know me then?  Agur. 
By an instinct, Sir, men of quality  
Cannot lie hid.  Trim. 
Indeed, my father's name  
Was Malchio, for my three additions,  
Of Valour, Wit, and Honour, 'tis enlarged  
To Mr. Trimalchio; this is wonderful.  Agur. 
Alas, 'tis nothing, Sir, if you knew all.  
No Ambuscado of the enemy,  
No treachery, or plot, but he foresees it.  
He was the first brought o'er the mystery  
Of building Sconces here in England, a Trade  
That many live upon.  Trim. 
A good commonwealth's man.  Agur. 
But this is certain, once in a straight Leaguer,  
When they were close besieged, their Ammunition  
And victuals, most part spent, he found a means,  
To yield the Town on composition.  Trim. 
Stand by a while, I must reward his virtues.  
Sir, will you please t' enlarge your disposition,  
T' accept a Courtesy, to bind me to you.  Autol. 
I do not use to sell my liberty,  
But that I see your face promise true bounty.  Trim. 
Have you skill in the face, Sir?  Autol. 
I were not fit else, to be styled traveller.  Trim. 
How do you find my looks inclined to State?  Aut. 
Sir you have won me to pour out my thoughts,  
And 〈…〉 tell your plain, they are too loose,  
Too scattered, to pretend such an acumen,  
Too much displayed, and smooth, you must have quirks,  
And strange Meanders in your face t' express  
A State subtlety, I'll make it plain.  
Hereafter by demonstration in the Optics.  Trim. 
Who would have lost the opportunity  
Of getting such a friend? Came you from Holland?  Autol. 
Yes, very lately.  Trim. 
Pray what news from Holland?  Autol. 
Holland's beleaguered.  Trim. 
What all Holland beleaguered?  Autol. 
And will hold out as long as Buss or Bulloign.  
They have their moat and drawbridge, I have given them  
Besides, a draft of a fortification,  
Will hold them play this twelvemonth, for they keep  
Their passage open, and want no supplies,  
For whosoever comes, they pay them soundly:  
The French have made many onflats upon them,  
And still been foiled.  Trim. 
Is there such hot service there?  Autol. 
Crossing the Line's a Bath to it, I had like  
Been scorched to death with the intemperature  
Of the Climate, 'tis the only Zona torrida,  
In the whole microcosm of man or woman,  
If you shall once come near the height of it,  
'Twill melt you like Lightning.  Trim. 
shall's build a Sconce there?  Autol. 
If you please.  Trim. 
Agreed, who is the Leader of  
These factious troops?  Autol. 
A woman.  Trim. 
How, a woman?  
Now by this hand, an Amazonian,  
A Tomaris, a right Penthesilea.  
I'll view this Leaguer by this light, and swim  
Like a Leander o'er the Hellespont,  
That shall divide me from these Heroines.  Agur. 
'Tis well resolved, you are not married Sir?  Trim. 
No pox, I know them all too well for that:  
I can use them for recreation, or so.  Agur. 
What think you of a rich Widow?  Trim. 
I'll none of them,  
They are like old clothes that have been worn.  Agur. 
I like you, that you care not for such relics;  
But yet I think I have a match will fit you,  
An Orphan, a young heir, that has some thousands,  
Besides her possibilities, if you  
Can win her, she is at her own disposing,  
There's one that knows her.  Trim. 
By instinct, it may be.  Autol. 
But for the pattern of true modesty,  
'Tis seldom known, riches and virtue meet  
In such a mixture.  Trim. 
Will you bring me to her?  Agur. 
ay, and perhaps persuade her to't, you know not  
Let us secure this business first of all,  
And then we'll meet at the Leaguer.  Autol. 
'Tis good counsel.  Trim. 
And I'll confirm all with a jointure.  Agur. 
Well,  
'Tis done,  
I'll tell you more of her, she is one  
Whose tender years have not as yet aspired?  
The height of wickedness, but may be brought  
To commit venery in her own language,  
And be content with one man, has not robbed  
Young boves of their voices, knows not her slights,  
And doubles, nor her Labyrinths, through which,  
The Minotaur her husband shall ne'er track her,  
Cannot indite with art, nor give a censure,  
Upon the lines are sent her, has no agents,  
No factors, pensioners, or Champions,  
Nor has her tears fixed in their Station,  
To flow at her command, and so confirm  
Her perjury: not large in her expense, nor one  
That when she is dressed, will call a conventicle  
Of young, and old, to pass their judgements on her,  
As if her life were gauged upon the matter,  
Nor carries an Ephemerides about with her,  
To which sh' ascribes your forked destiny,  
Nor is her body crazy, neither takes she  
Physic for state, nor will rise up at Midnight  
To eat her Oysters, and drink Wine, till lust  
Dance in her veins, and till the house turns round,  
And she discern not twixt her head and tail.  
Nor holdeth strange intelligence abroad,  
To furnish her discourse with, neither takes she  
Her journey once a year toth' Bath, nor is  
So learned, as to judge betwixt your Poets,  
Which of them writes best, and fluenst, nor yet  
Is grown an Antiquary, to decide  
Matters in Heraldry: she has no fucus,  
To catch your lips like Birdlime, nor yet uses  
Restoratives, more than the help of nature;  
I'll speak the noblest words I can, of you:  
So many women on a mere report,  
Do fall in love with men, before they see them.  Trim. 
Nay, when I see her, I am sure of her.  
I have a little haste, I am to meet  
A Countess at th' Exchange within this hour.  
Besides, I have a Catalogue of business,  
If I could think on't: so I take my leave,  
Farewell Gentlemen.  Autol. 
Farewell Sir.  Agur. 
Farewell sweet M. Coxcomb.  
This Wench I so commended, is my daughter.  
And if my skill not fails me, her I'll make  
A Stale, to take this Courtier in a brake.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 2.  Fidelio, Faustina. Fid. 
IS there no means t' absolve you of your oath?  
The blame on me, let the bright day no longer  
envy the darkness, that conceals such beauty:  
You are no Votary, and yet force your youth  
To such a strict and solitary life,  
Which others bound by vow, cannot perform.  
I wonder at the temper of your blood,  
So differing from your Sex, when your old women  
Do burn with lustful thoughts, as with a Fever,  
Yet you go on, in the old track of virtue,  
Now overgrown with seeds of vice.  Faust. 
Sweet hear me;  
It is a penance that I live reserved,  
Because my love to you was made abortive,  
But when due time shall perfect in her womb,  
And bring it forth anew unto the birth:  
I will surrender up myself, and it,  
To your dispose: Let it suffice the while,  
I am no haunter of your public meetings,  
No entertainer, nor no visitor.  
Nor did I ever trust my wandering eyes,  
To view the glittering vanity of the world,  
Nor ever yet did sit a guilty witness  
To a lascivious, and untuned discourse,  
Sounding to their fantastic actions.  Fid. 
But I must begone favour at your hands,  
And suffer no repulse.  Faust. 
What is't?  Fid. 
It may offend you.  Faust. 
It shall not.  Fid. 
Then know that I have boasted of your beauty.  
Nay more, exposed thy virtues to the trial.  Faust. 
You have not prostituted them on Stalls,  
To have the vulgar fingers sweat upon them,  
As they do use upon your Plays and Pamphlets?  Fidel. 
I am engaged to bring a Lord to see you.  Faust. 
A Lord.  Fid. 
And you must use all art for his content,  
With Music, Songs, and dancing, such as are  
The stirrers of hot appetites.  Faust. 
Profane,  
And idle wretch, to cast away thy hopes,  
Upon a Pandarly profession.  
Or didst thou think, that I could be corrupted,  
To personate a strumpet's dalliance?  
I grieve for thee. Be gone, henceforth I'll live  
Immured for ever, as an Anchorist,  
From him, and thee, since thou hast wronged my love.  Fid. 
Mistake me not, the difference twixt the Poles  
Is not so great, as betwixt me, and baseness:  
Nor is't a sinister intent to make  
Your favours stale, and common as a drug,  
Which are so dear to me, that both the Indies  
Are not of equal value to engross,  
But for a noble and peculiar end.  Faust. 
This seems to me a Paradox.  Fid. 
'Tis true.  Faust. 
If it be so, 'tis granted, speak it free.  Fid. 
Then if you please to grant relief  
To my desires, take them in brief;  
I would have you first express  
All the skill that comeliness  
Can invent, to make you seem  
Fair, and pleasant, as loves Queen.  
When she Anchises came to kiss  
On the Banks of Simois.  
Call the graces, and suborn  
Them thy beauty to adorn,  
Thy face, the table where love writes  
A thousand stories of delights:  
Make it all over, smooth and plain,  
But see you shadow it with disdain.  
Weave a net out of thy hair,  
A subtle net, that may ensnare  
Such fond souls as shall aspire  
To come near the holy fire  
Of thine eyes, which were of late,  
By Cupid's torch illuminate.  
Use all the delusive art  
That may captivate his heart.  Faust. 
What's your intent in this?  Fid. 
I'll have him punished.  
He casts aspersions of disloyalty,  
On all your sex, and you shall vindicate them  
When he is plunged in love irrevocable,  
As conquered by thy all subduing look,  
Than you shall bind him to conditions,  
As I shall first instruct you, shall redeem  
Him from his folly, and next clear your honour.  Faust. 
Your will's a law, and shall not be withstood,  
When my ill's quited with another's good.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 3.  Agurtes, Autolicus, Margery. Agur. 
MArgery, go call your Mistress.  Autol. 
What is she?  Agu. 
My daughter's maid, a wench fit for the purpose,  
Cunning as a Whore: beside, I have provided  
A bed, and hangings, and a casting bottle,  
And once a day a Doctor to visit her.  Enter Millescent. 
Milliscent come hither, know this gentleman.  
Captain, here lies our venture, this is she,  
The rich Antomo's daughter, the great heir,  
And Niece to the grand Sophies of the City;  
That has been wood and sued to by great Lords,  
Alderman's sons, and agents of all sorts.  
Thus we have spoke thy praise, wench, has not seen  
The man she likes yet, but her fortunes may  
Ordain her to some better choice, to the making  
Of some deserving man, which must needs be  
Trimalchio, and no other; how lik'st thou her?  Autol. 
Hang me, so well, I think you may go on,  
In a right line, she is worthy of a better.  
Few of your modern faces are so good.  Agur. 
That's our comfort, she may put a good face on't.  Milles. 
Let me alone, Sir, to be impudent,  
To laugh them out of countenance, look scurvy,  
As a citizen's daughter new turned Madam.  Marg. 
I warrant you, Sir, my Mistress, and I,  
Have practised our Lirripoope together.  Agur. 
Thou must insinuate strange things into her  
Both of her virtue and Nobility,  
The largeness of her dowry, besides jewels,  
Th' expected death of her old grand mother,  
That has a blessing for her, if she marry  
According to her mind, keep him at distance,  
Make him believe, 'tis hard to have access,  
And wait the happy hour, to be let in  
At the back door.  Marg, 
ay, and the foredoor too.  Autol. 
Thou hast a noble wit, and spirit, wench,  
That never was ordained for any stinkard  
T'engender with, or mechanic Citizen,  
Unless it were to Cuckold him, thou shalt  
Be still i'th' front of any fashion,  
And have thy several Gowns and Tires, take place,  
It is thy own, from all the City wires,  
And Summer birds in Town, that once a year  
Come up to moulter, and then go down toth' Country  
To jeer their neighbours, as they have been served  Agur. 
Nay more, if you can act it handsomely,  
You'll put a period to my undertakings,  
And save me all my labour of projecting,  
As putting out my money on return,  
From aqua pendent, or some unknown place,  
That has as much ado to get a room  
I'th' Map, as a new Saint i'th' Calendar.  
'Twill dead all my device in making matches,  
My plots of Architecture, and erecting  
New Amphitheatres, to draw the custom  
From playhouses once a week, and so pull  
A curse upon my head from the poor scoundrels.  
'Twill hinder to the gain of Courtiers,  
Put on by me, to beg Monopolies,  
To have a sixth share in the business,  
Nor need I trample up and down the Country,  
To cheat with a Polonian, or false rings,  
Nor keep a taphouse o'th' Bank side, and make  
A stench worse than a Brewhouse, 'mongst my neighbours,  
Till I am grown so poor, that all my goods  
Are shipped away i'th' bottom of a Sculler,  
And then be driven t'inhabit some blind nook  
I'th' Suburbs, and my utmost refuge be  
To keep a bawdy house, and be carted.  Milles 
ne'er fear it Sir.  Agur. 
'Tis well, speak for thyself, Girl.  Milles. 
If I do not, let me be turned to ashes,  
And they be buried in an urn so shallow,  
That boys may piss into it, let me deal  
In nothing else but making Sugar Cakes,  
Ointments, and Dentifrices: Let me serve  
Seven years' Apprenticeship, and learn nothing else,  
But to preserve and candy. Let me marry  
With a Pedant, and have no other dowry  
Than an old cast French-hood. Let me live  
The scorn of Chambermaids, and after all.  
Turn a dry-nurse.  Autol. 
You shall have trophies, wenches,  
Set up for you, in honour of your wits,  
More than Herculean pillars, to advance  
Your Fame to a non ultra, that whoever  
Shall read your history, may not attempt  
To go beyond it.  Agur. 
Well, prepare yourselves  
To entertain him.  Autol. 
Faith you need not doubt them,  
To manage the business.  Milles. 
Let us alone.  Agur. 
We leave the charge to your discretion.    

ACT. 2.  

SCEN. 4.  Triphaena, Quartilla. Quar. 
MAdam, in troth this grief does not become you,  
'Tis an ill dressing for so good a face,  
Yet you pursue it with such eagerness,  
As if you were ambitiously sad.  
'Tis some invincible malignity  
Makes her untractable, deaf to all comfort.  
What might I guess the cause of this disaster?  
Her Monkey and her Dog are both in health,  
I thank my providence, only her Monkey  
Is a little costive, but I'll physic him:  
Sure her intelligence arrived too late,  
About the last new fashion, or the crime  
Lies in the Sempster, or it must needs be  
Some other grand solecism in her tailor.  
What if it prove a Capital offence,  
Committed by the tirewoman? but I believe  
Some scurvy Lady put it in her head,  
To practise a State melancholy, that first  
Begins in an imperious revolt,  
And frowning, and contempt of her own husband,  
And what she might recover by the Law  
In case of separation, or a nullity,  
Which she already has took counsel of:  
Come it is so.  Triph. 
Nay tell me now, Quartilla,  
Can I behold the current of that love  
Should flow to me with a prodigious course,  
Run back to his own head, to have a husband  
That should grow old in admiration  
Of the rare choice he made in me, at last,  
As if there were a barrenness and want  
Of my perfections, dote upon himself?  
I could plot against him? Prithee Quartilla,  
How long hast thou been chaste?  Quar. 
This chastity  
Is quite out of date, a mere obsolete thing,  
Clean out of use, since I was first a Maid,  
Why do I say a Maid? let juno plague me,  
If I remember it, for I began  
Betimes, and so progressed from less to bigger,  
From boys to Lads, and as I grew in years,  
I writ my Venery in a larger volume.  Triph. 
Where's my brother?  Quar. 
With his Tutor forsooth  Triph. 
I think that dull Prometheus was asleep  
When he did form him, had he but so much  
As the least spark of salt that is in me,  
He would see me righted.  Quart. 
He is very obtuse,  
And so are many of your elder brothers.  
I carried all the wit from mine, when I  
Was young, I'd have look: a Captain in the face,  
Answered him in the Dialogue, and have stood  
On tiptoe to have kissed him: But for your brother,  
Do not despair good Madam, what although  
His breeding be a little course, he may be  
A Lord in's time, now he has means enough?  Thiph. 
I sent for him up hither to that purpose:  
But yet I am ashamed to have him seen,  
Or show him publicly.  Quar. 
You have provided  
A Tutor to instruct him, a rare man,  
One that has poisoned me with eloquence,  
I fear he will make my belly swell with it.  Triph. 
Go call the Novice hither, and his Tutor.  Exit Quartilla. 
And now I think on't. Mr. Trimalchio  
Shall take him straight to court with him, to learn  
And imitate his fashions, suck from him  
The Quintessence of education.  
He is the only man I know, and for  
His face, it is the abstract of all beauty.  
Nor does his voice sound mortal, I could dwell  
For ever on his lip, his very speech  
Would season a tragedy; nay more, there is  
A natural grace in all his actions.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 5.  Thiphaena. Quartilla, Capritio, Miscellanio. Triph. 
WHat are you come, 'tis well, advance yet forward  
We ever told you what a hateful vice  
This bashfulness was counted.  Quart. 
You forget  
The Theorems we told you. Lord how often  
Shall we enforce these documents upon you?  Capr: 
May not a man buy a brazen face, think you,  
Among all this Company?  Quar. 
By no means  
Your Tradesmen will not part with them, there are  
Many i'th' City have such furniture,  
But they do keep them for their own wearing.  Miscel. 
Stand by a while, let me salute these Ladies.  
Haile to these twins of honour, and of beauty.  Quar. 
Sir, you transgress in your opinion,  
If you consider both, alas my beauty  
Is much exhausted.  Miscel. 
Lady, you are deceived,  
For you are amiable, or else I have  
In vain, so often exercised my judgement  
In the distinction of faces.  Quart. 
I shall  
Be proud to be so seated in your favour.  Triph. 
But tell me, Signeour Miscellanio,  
What think you of your pupil?  Miscel. 
Troth I found him  
As rude as any Chaos, so confused  
I knew not which way to distinguish him.  
He seemed to me, not to participate  
Of any Gentle Nature, never I think,  
To fashion out a Mercury with such  
A crooked piece of timber, was attempted  
By a true traveller: but I hope in time  
To rectify him, for Labour vincit omnia.  Triph. 
Does he come on well, is there any hope  
He will receive his true die, his right tincture?  Miscel. 
I warrant you, that I'll make him in time,  
A perfect cavaliero: he shall wear  
His clothes as well, and smell as rank as they,  
And court his Mistress, and talk idly: that's  
As much as can be required in a true Gallant,  
T'approve him one: nay more too, he shall dance  
And do the half Pomado, play at Gleek,  
And promise more than ere he will perform,  
And ne'er part with a penny to a Tradesman  
Till he has beat him for't: shall walk the streets  
As gingerly, as if he feared to hurt  
The ground he went on, whilst his cast down eye  
Holds commerce with his leg: shall utter nothing  
whate'er he thinks, yet swear't whate'er it be.  
Nay more, he shall vow love to all he sees,  
And damn himself to make them believe it.  
Shall fawn on all men, yet let his friend perish,  
For what he spends in one day on his Punk,  
For Coach hire: these are special properties,  
And must be often practised, to remember,  
He shall never rise till it be ten o'clock,  
And so be ready against dinner time.  Caprit. 
'Slight and my father had not been an Ass,  
I might have been able to have writ this down.  Triph. 
Pray let me hear how he has profited.  Miscel. 
Salute these Ladies as you were instructed.  
You must conceive the coldness of his courtship,  
As yet points but one way; you may suppose it  
To his disdainful Mistress, when he shall come to  
The Cape de bone speranza of her love,  
He may vary like the compass of his compliment.  Capr. 
Lady, the Fates have led me to your service,  
To know myself unworthy of your favours.  
Yet let me so far win upon your bounty,  
That what I utter in humility,  
May not cause my contempt, or have my love  
Shaked off, because 'tis ripe, but let me hang by  
The stalk of your mercy, the remnant of whose life  
Lies in your power.  Miscel. 
Your oath now to confirm it,  
If she should chance to doubt, or press you to it.  Caprit. 
That's true indeed. By the structure of your breasts,  
And by the silken knot that ties your hair  
Upon the top of your crown, I protest it.  Quart. 
If he can persevere, 'tis excellent.  Enter Trimalchio. Trim. 
Where be these noble Ladies?  Triph. 
Sir you are come in the most happy hour,  
I was wishing for you.  Trim. 
I am in haste,  
And only come to see you: there's a banquet  
Stands ready on the table, and the Lords  
Swear they will not sit down, until I come.  Trip. 
You still are in such haste, when you come hither.  Trim. 
I think I must retire myself, I am  
So sued and sought to, where I come, I am grown  
Even weary of their loves: Last night at a Masque,  
When none could be admitted. I was led in  
By the hand, by a great Lord, that shall be nameless,  
And now this morning early, in his Chamber,  
A Fencer would needs play with me at foils,  
I hit him in three places, and disarmed him.  Quar. 
Why now my dream is out, I lay last night  
Upon my back, and was adreamed of fighting.  Trip. 
Sir, will you please to know these Gentlemen,  
My brother, and his Tutor.  Trim. 
I must crave pardon,  
Is this your brother?  Triph. 
Yes.  Trim. 
I must embrace him.  
I never saw a man in all my life  
I so affected on the sudden, sure  
There's some Nobility does lurk within him  
That's not perspicuous to every eye:  
He promises so fair, I should have known him  
To be your brother, had you not told me so.  Miscel. 
Your method now of thanks.  Caprit. 
Right Noble Sir,  
I have so often times been honoured,  
And so much madefied.  Quart. 
That word I taught him.  Capr. 
With the distilling influence of your bounty.  
That I must blame myself, and my hard fortune,  
That has envied me the ability  
To render satisfaction.  Miscel. 
Very well.  Trip. 
Sir you must pardon him, he is but a Novice,  
Newly initiated, and 'tis his fault,  
That he is bashful.  Trim. 
Is that all? I'll take him  
To Court with me, where he shall be acquainted  
With Pages, Laundresses, and waiting women,  
Shall teach him impudence enough.  Trip. 
'Tis my desire.  Quar. 
His Tutor has taught him the Theory.  
Only he wants the practic.  Trim. 
I pray Sir,  
Without offence, may I demand of you,  
What do you profess?  Miscel. 
Why Sir, any thing  
Within the compass of humanity.  
To speak, or act, no Pythagorean  
Could ever think upon so many shapes  
As I will put you in; the French, the Spanish,  
Or the Italian garb; not any one,  
But jointly all, I'll make a perfect man  
Out of the shreds of them.  Quart. 
Besides the riding  
Of the great Mare; nay Sir, his very carvings,  
Even to the discecting of a Capon.  
Are Lectures of Anatomy.  Trim. 
I shall  
Be proud to know him.  Miscel. 
Now I collect myself,  
Sure I have scene you Sir in Padua,  
Or some face near like yours.  Trim. 
I have indeed,  
Received letters of invitation  
From one, that's son to a Magnifice,  
Who is informed that I am very like him.  Miscel. 
There was the mistake then.  Trim. 
Sir, had I power  
o'er my occasions, which now are urgent,  
I would most willingly employ the time  
In survey of your virtues.  Miscel. 
Sir, it has been  
The scope I ever aimed at in my travels,  
To seek out, and converse with such as have  
With foreign observations advanced  
Their natural endowments, and I thank  
My Stars, I have been ever fortunate  
To be beloved amongst them, and that you  
Are one, I make no question.  Trim. 
Sir, you need not.  Miscel. 
My mind was ever larger, than to be  
Comprised within the limits of my Country.  
And I congratulate my Fate, in that  
I come so near the virtue of that planet,  
That ruled at my Nativity; whose nature,  
Which e'er it be, is ever to be wandering.  Trim. 
Sir I must be abrupt, but for my promise  
Unto some Noble friends that do expect me,  
I could not easily be drawn away  
From one in whom so many several graces  
Are so apparent, therefore I entreat you  
Not to impute it to my lack of judgement,  
Or neglect of your worth.  Miscel. 
By no means, Sir,  
Friendship is turned into an injury  
When it usurps authority, conceive me,  
o'er a friend's business, some other time  
Shall serve to give a mutual testimony  
Of love between us, and how much I honour you.  Quar. 
When will you do this?  Capr. 
I am practising.  Trip. 
Prithee Quartilla, help me stave them off.  
Although they have no mercy on themselves  
Yet we must use some conscience.  Quar. 
Gentlemen,  
You'll break your wits with stretching them, forbear  
I beseech you.  Trim. 
My wit, it never fails me,  
I have it at a certainty: I'll set it  
To run so many hours, and when 'tis down,  
I can wind it up like a Watch. But I fear  
I have deceived the time too long. Ladies,  
I'll take my leave of your fair beauties: you have  
No service to enjoin?  Trip. 
You'll take my brother  
Capritio with you.  Trim. 
If he please, and his Tutor.  Miscel. 
My suffrage shall consent to any thing  
Her Lady ship approves.  Quart. 
You must remember,  
You prove not refractory to your discipline,  
'Twill be much for your improvement.  Trim. 
I'll bring him  
Unto a Captain, shall set both our faces  
To look like the very janus of a Statesman,  
And so farewell. Come Sir.  Exeunt Trimalchio, Capritio. Triph. 
I told you, signior,  
What a rare man he was.  Miscel. 
In all my travels  
I have not met the like; not any one  
Was so mellifluous in his discourse.  
I think when he was young, some swarm of Bees  
Did light upon his lips, as it was feigned  
Of Hesiod.  Triph. 
Let's in, for I shall mourn,  
And be melancholy, till his return.    

ACT. 3.  

SCEN. 1.  Philautus, Ardelio. Phil. 
ARdelio, we are now alone, come tell me  
Truly, how does the vulgar voice pass on me.  Ar. 
Why Sir, the shallow currents of their brains  
Runs all into one stream, to make a deep,  
To bear the weighty burden of your fame.  Phil. 
And 'tis all true they say.  Ard. 
That you are most fair,  
A most exact, accomplished, gentile Lord,  
Not to be contradicted, 'tis a truth  
Above all truths, for where is any truth,  
That is agreed upon by all, but this?  Phil. 
Such is the force of beauty, there is nothing  
Can please without it, and whoever has it,  
As there be few, is adjudged happy in it.  Ardel. 
All this is true.  Philau. 
Then he that has a pure  
And sublimed beauty, 'tis a thing sensible,  
And cannot be denied, must be admired,  
And free from all detraction.  Ardel. 
This is true.  Phil. 
He that excels in valour, wit, or honour,  
He that is rich, or virtuous, may be envied,  
But love is the reward of beauty; no object  
Surprises more the eye, all that delights us,  
We ascribe beauty to it.  Ardel. 
All this is true.  Phi. 
Look high or low, 'tis true, why are the stars  
Fixed in their Orbs, but to adorn the heavens?  
And we adore their beauty more than light.  
Look on the Arts, how they tend all to beauty,  
'Tis their only end: he that builds a house,  
Strives not so much for use, as ornament,  
Nor does your Orator compose a speech  
With lesser care, to have it elegant,  
Then moving; and your Limner does observe  
The trim, and dress, more than the rules of painting.  Ard. 
All truth, and Oracles.  Phi. 
Look on a fair ship,  
And you will say, 'tis very beautiful.  
A General rejoices in the title  
Of a fair Army. I'll come nearer to you;  
Who were thought worthy to be deified,  
But such as were found beautiful? for this cause,  
jove took up Ganymede from Ida hill,  
To fill him wine, and go a hunting with him.  Ard. 
'Tis too much truth to be spoke at one time.  Philau. 
It shall suffice, but yet you know that man  
May safely venture to go on his way,  
That is so guided, that he can not stray.  Enter Fidelio. 
How now, hast thou obtained in thy request?  Fid. 
I have with much entreaty gained your admittance  Phil. 
Let me embrace my better Genius.  Fid. 
I do not use the profession.  Phil. 
'Tis an Art  
Will make thee thrive; will she be coy enough?  
To tell you true, I take a more delight  
In the perplexity of wooing them,  
Than the enjoying.  Fid. 
She is as I told you:  Phil. 
If she be otherwise than I conceive.  
A pox on the Augury.  Fid. 
But hark you, Sir,  
You need not be known who you are.  Phi. 
For that,  
Trust to my care; Come let us go about it.  
Some men may term it lust; but if it hit,  
The better part shall be ascribed to wit.  Exeunt.  

ACT. 3. SCEN. 2.  Taimaelchio, Capritio, Agurtes, Autolicus. Trim. 
HOw goes our matters forward?  Ag. 
Very well Sir.  
For I have made your entrance open; told her  
All that I can to grace you, that you are  
Exactly qualified, unparallelled,  
For your rare parts of mind, and body, full  
Of rare bounty, and that she likes best in you,  
She holds it a good argument you will  
Maintain her well hereafter, marry else  
She is natural covetous, but that's  
A point of Housewifry, she does not care,  
You should spend much upon yourself, and can  
Dispense with house keeping; so you allow her  
To keep her State, her Coach, and the fashion,  
These things she means to article beforehand,  
I tell you what you must trust to.  Trim. 
Very well Sir.  Agu. 
Now see that you be circumspect, and fail not  
In the least circumstance; you may do somewhat  
Extraordinary, at the first meeting.  
For when she has conceived of your good nature,  
The less will be expected.  Trim. 
Why the Captain  
Has put me in a form:  Agur. 
Of words he has.  
But you must do the deeds.  Trim. 
ay, so I will.  
For look you Sir, I have the several graces  
Of four Nations, in imitation  
Of the four Elements, that make a man  
Concur to my perfection.  Ag. 
As how?  Trim. 
I am in my compliment, an Italian,  
in my heart a Spaniard,  
In my disease a Frenchman,  
And in mine appetite an Hungarian.  Agur. 
All these are good and commendable things  
In a Companion, but your subtle women  
Take not a man's desert on trust, they must  
See and feel something, what you give her now,  
You make her but the keeper, 'tis your own,  
You win her by it: I should be loath to see you  
Out done with Courtesies: what if some Gull,  
That has more land than you, should interpose it,  
And make eclipse between you? 'tis a fear,  
Therefore you must be sudden, and dispatch it,  
For she is ticklish as any Haggard,  
And quickly lost: she is very humoursome.  Trim. 
I'll fit her then, I am as humoursome  
As herself, I have all the four humours.  
I am hot, I am cold,  
I am dry, and I am moist.  Agur. 
I must be like the satire then, and leave you,  
If you are hot and cold.  Trim. 
Oh you mistake me.  
I am not in my ambition,  
I am dry in my jests,  
I am cold in my charity,  
And moist in my luxury.  Autol. 
Sir, for the Gentlewoman that is with her,  
Not so much in the nature of a servant,  
As her Companion; for 'tis the fashion  
Amongst your great ones, to have those wait on them  
As good as themselves: she is the sole daughter  
To a great Knight, and has an ample dowry.  
Apply yourself to her, though it be nothing  
Else but to practise Courtship, and to keep you  
From sleep and idleness.  Caprit. 
I shall be ruled  
By you in any thing.  Autol. 
You shall not do  
Amiss then: what? you may get her good will:  
And then object it to your friends; you can  
Advance yourself without their counsel.  Capr: 
Counsel;  
I still scorned that.  Trim. 
Captain, a word with you:  
Were I not best look like a Statesman, think you?  Autol. 
What to a woman? 'twere a solecism  
In nature, for you know Cupid's a boy,  
And would you tire him like a Senator,  
And put a declamation in his mouth?  
'twere a mere madness in you: here they come;  
See what a Majesty she bears, go meet her.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 3.  Trimalchio, Capritio, Agurtes, Autolicus, Millicent, Margery. Tri. 
STand by, it is my happiness invites me.  
O that I could appear like jupiter,  
Unto his Semele.  Agur. 
Why, would you burn her?  Tri. 
Yes, with my love I would; most Luculent Lady,  
After the late collection of my spirits,  
Lost in the admiration of your beauty,  
Let me crave pardon.  Milles. 
Sir, for what?  Trim. 
My boldness.  Milles. 
I apprehend none.  Trim. 
You must pardon me,  
For I am jealous of the least digression:  
And you may justly frown.  Milles. 
I should be loath,  
To acknowledge so much from you.  Trim. 
Lady, you have those fair additions  
Of wealth, and parentage, joined to your virtues,  
That I may justly suspect your disdain:  
But by my hopes, I do not court your fortunes,  
But you.  Milles. 
Believe me, no deserving man  
Shall be the less esteemed for that, where I find  
Ability to govern, what I bring him.  
'tis that I value: things that are without me,  
I count them not my own.  Trim. 
'tis a speech Lady,  
Worthy an Empress. I am a made man,  
Since you have cleared the heaven of your brow:  
Now by that light I swear, a brighter day  
ne'er broke upon me.  Agur. 
Sir, I hope this Lady  
Shall have no cause to repent your admittance.  Milles. 
Sir, for my part, since virtue is my guard,  
I do not only keep my doors still open,  
But my breast ●o●, for Gentlemen of merit.  Trim. 
Now by this air, that does report your voice  
With a sound more than mortal: by your fair eyes,  
And as I hope to be enrolled your servant,  
I honour the meanest stitch in your garment.  Milles. 
I would not wish you place your love upon  
A thing so mean, so likely to be cast off.  Trim. 
O divine counsel! that so rare a beauty  
Should mix with wisdom: these words are not lost.  
I am your slave for ever. I'll go hire  
Six Poets to sing your praise, and I myself  
Will be the seventh to make up the consort.  Autol. 
You see your friend there, Mr Trimalchio  
Is like to speed, and fairly on his way  
too much happiness. I would not willingly  
That any should miscarry in a plot  
That I have a hand in: you must be sudden  
I told you, it you mean to be a favourite  
To fortune, and your Mistress, and be bold.  Cap. 
If I had spoke to her, the brunt were passed.  Autol. 
I then the ye were broke; now she makes towards you,  
'tis the best time, let no occasion slip,  Cap. 
Lady advance the pinnacle of your thoughts,  
And enlarge the quadrangle of your heart,  
To entertain a man of men.  Autol. 
A man  
Of means, sweet Lady, that I can assure you.  Marg. 
he's so much the more welcome, I assure you,  Autol. 
You are welcome by this means, do you mark that?  Caprit. 
Some 3000. a year or thereabouts.  
Alas I value it not, 'twill serve to trifle  
In pins, and gloves, and toys, and banquets.  Marg. 
'Tis much.  
One of so tender years, should step so soon  
Into the world.  Caprit. 
Indeed the spring of my courtship  
Has been somewhat backward: but I will strive  
To redeem it; I have some seeds a growing,  
Shall make m'ere long, spread like a Gentleman,  
And you shall say so too.  Marg. 
I do believe it.  Caprit. 
Nay where you do or no, 'tis no great matter.  Autol. 
Be not Capricious.  Caprit. 
My name's Capritio.  
There be in Town of the capriccioes,  
Came from our house, that shall approve it so.  Autol. 
What will you say, if I show you a way  
To get a general credit?  Caprit. 
Can you do it?  Autol. 
I can, and will; I'll have you out of hand,  
The master of a good horse, and a good dog,  
And be known by them.  Caprit. 
Will that do it?  Autol. 
Will it?  
Why when you once have matched your horse, or dog.  
The adverse party being a man of note,  
'Twill raise an inquisition after you.  
Whose is the horse, says one, Mr, Capritio's.  
What he, says another? a Noble Gentleman.  
'Twill draw the eyes of a whole Shire upon you,  
Besides the Citizens that go down to bet.  Caprit. 
Why this is rare indeed.  Autol. 
And then 'twill furnish you  
With fitting discourse for any man's table.  
A horse and a dog, no better a subject  
To exercise your tongue in, many Ladies  
Talk in that dialogue; beside, there being  
A kind of near relation in the nature  
Of you and those beasts. the good qualities  
That are in them, may be thought to be yours.  Cap. 
I'll buy me a dancing horse that can caper,  
And have him called Capritio, by my name.  Aut. 
You may do so.  Capr. 
Lady, by your leave I will.  Mar. 
Sir, what you please.  Au. 
Her desires go with yours.  
Observe but what a wife she's like to prove,  
That is no more imperious being a Mistress.  Cap. 
Brother come hither.  Trim. 
I am busy here.  
How do you like the fabric of this Watch?  Milles. 
Pray let me see it, a rare piece of work.  Trim. 
It cost me twelve pound, by this light, this morning.  Milles. 
But that it was so dear, I would have begged it.  Trim. 
'Tis at your service, Lady.  Milles. 
I'll make use of  
Your courtesy, with many thanks, Sir.  Trim. 
Nay, but  
You must not have it.  Milles. 
Will you go from your word?  Trim. 
I'll give you as good, but this is none of mine,  
By this hand I borrowed it.  Milles. 
You said you bought it.  Trim. 
I said so indeed.  Milles. 
You should do well to buy you  
A better memory, as I shall hereafter,  
To keep at distance with you.  Exit Millescent, Agur. 
Is she gone?  Trim. 
Gone in a fume.  Agur. 
How did you anger her?  Trim. 
She would have begged my Watch, and I excused it.  Agur. 
She beg your Watch? she scorns to beg any thing.  
She has more than she can tell what to do with.  
Perhaps she longed for yours, and would receive it  
As a courtesy, why would you show it her,  
Unless you meant to part with it?  Trim. 
I know not:  
I think my wit was cramped,  Agur. 
You must ne'er look for,  
The like occasion offered you; why this  
Was such a time to win her love: a gift  
Would put her every hour in mind of you.  Trim. 
What shall I do?  Agur. 
Best send it after her.  Trim. 
Do you carry it; tell her withal, I'll send her  
A Coach and four horses, to make her amends.  Agur. 
Give me the Watch, if I do make all good,  
Will you perform your promise?  Trim. 
By my life,  
I'll send them without fail, immediately.  Ag. 
I'll after her, and see what I can do.  Exit Agurtes Cap. 
Stand for a watch: here take this Diamond:  
Nay, do not wrong me, I have sworn you shall,  
Were it as good as that which was made precious  
By Berenice's finger, which Agrippa  
Gave his incestuous sister, you should have it.  
What do you think I am an Ass? no sir,  
'tis he has taught me wit.  Auto. 
And you are happy,  
That can be wise by other men's examples.  Cap. 
What should I lose my Mistress for a toy?  Trim. 
Lead on good brother, I am all of a sweat,  
Until some gale of comfort blow upon me.  Exeunt.  

ACT. 3. SCEN. 4.  Philautus, Fidelio, Faustina. Fid. 
YOu see that I have brought you to the treasure,  
And the rich garden of th'Hesperides:  
If you can charm those ever-watchful eyes  
That keep the tree, than you may pull the fruit,  
And after glory in the spoil of honour.  Phil. 
Prithee let me alone with her.  Fid. 
I'll leave you.  Exit Fidelio: Phil. 
Lady, my preface is to know your name.  Fau. 
Faustina, Sir.  Phil. 
I may be happy in you.  
I have a sister somewhere of that name,  
That in her youth did promise such a feature,  
And hopes of future excellence: she had  
A beauty mixed with majesty, would draw  
From the beholders, love, and reverence.  
And I do ill methinks, with unchaste thoughts  
To sin against her memory: this task  
Would I were rid of; but I'll venture. Lady,  
You are not blind, I conceive.  Fau. 
No sir, I have not  
Yet seen a thing so strongly sensible,  
To hurt my eyesight.  Phil. 
Then I hope you can  
Take notice of a Gentleman's good parts,  
Without a Periphrasis.  Fau. 
What's that?  Phil. 
A figure,  
Needless at this time to explain my deserts,  
So easy and apparent to be seen.  Fau. 
I dare not envy, nor detract, where worth  
Does challenge due relation of respect:  
Nor is my wit so curious, to make  
A gloss or comment on your qualities.  Phil. 
'tis too much labour, 'twere a task would dull  
The edge of Rhetoric, to describe them rightly;  
Nor would I have them dwell upon your tongue,  
But fixed in your thoughts, there let them move  
Till they meet in conjunction with your love;  
Nature would boast so sweet a sympathy:  Fau. 
I should be sorry, if my understanding  
Moved in so poor a circle, as your praise;  
I have not leisure to take notice of it.  
Is this all you have to say?  Phil. 
No, I have more;  
But love is slow to dictate to my vows:  
And yet those sacred and divine impulsions,  
Strike truer than my heart, and by his power  
That has inflamed me, here I swear I love you.  Faust. 
Your oaths and love, are made of the same air.  
Both die in their conception: quickly uttered,  
And as easily not believed.  Phil. 
Nay now you wrong  
My true intent.  Faust. 
Suppose I grant you love me,  
What would you infer?  Phil. 
That you should speak the like,  
And with the same affection.  Faust. 
If your love  
Be not a Bawd unto some base desire,  
I do return the like.  Phil. 
I know not how  
You may interpret it, but sure the law,  
And the command of nature, is no baseness,  
A thing that love himself has dignified,  
And in his rapes confessed the god of love  
The greater of the two, whom Kings have stooped to,  
We are allowed t' enjoy some stolen delights,  
So we be secret in't; for 'tis set down  
By such as in this art have skilful been.  
W' are not forbid to act, but to be seen.  Faust. 
Upon these terms, I do deny you love me  
'Twas lust that flattered sin, made love a god,  
And to get freedom for his thefts, they gave  
Madness the title of a Deity.  
For how can that be love, which seeks the ruin  
Of his own object, and the thing beloved.  
No, true love is a pure affection,  
That gives the soul transparent, and not that  
That's conversant in beastly appetites.  Phil. 
Tell not me of your Philosophical love.  
I am a fool to linger, women's denial  
Is but an easy cruelty, and they  
Love to be forced sometimes.  Faust. 
Pray know your distance.  Phi. 
Come you dissemble, and you all are willing  Faust. 
To what?  Phil. 
There's none of you but feel the smart  
Of a libidinous sting; else wherefore are  
Those baits and strong allurements to entice us?  
Wherefore are all your sleekings, and your curlings,  
Crispings, and paintings, and your skin made soft,  
And your face smooth with ointments, than your gate,  
Confined to measure, and composed by art,  
Besides the wanton petulancy of your eyes,  
That scatter flames with doubtful motion,  
Unless it were to prostitute your beauty?  Faust. 
I'll give account for none Sir, but myself.  
And that I'll speak before my Virgin Zone,  
Shall be untied by any unchaste hand,  
Nature shall suffer dissolution.  
But whate'er others be, methinks your worth  
Should not pretend to an ignoble action.  Phil. 
Now by this light I think you'll moralize me.  Faust. 
'Tis my desire you should go better from me  
Than you came hither; you have some good parts  
But they are all exterior, and these breed  
A self conceit, an affectation in you,  
And what more odious? Some applaud you in it,  
As parasites, but wise men laugh at you.  
Will you employ those gifts that may commend you,  
And add a grace to goodness, had you any,  
In the pursuit of vice, that renders you,  
Worthy of nought but pity?  Phil. 
I came as to  
A Whore, but shall return as from a Saint.  Faust. 
Then leave to prosecute the foggy vapours  
Of a gross pleasure, that involves the soul  
In clouds of infamy. I wonder one  
So complete in the structure of his body,  
Should have his mind so disproportioned,  
The lineaments of virtue quite defaced.  Phil. 
I am subdued, she has converted me.  
I see within the mirror of her goodness,  
The foulness of my folly: sweet instruct me.  
And I will style thee my Aegeria.  Fau. 
It is a shame, that man that has the seeds  
Of virtue in him, springing unto glory,  
Should make his soul degenerous with sin,  
And slave to luxury, to drown his spirits  
In Lees of sloth, to yield up the weak day,  
To wine, to lust, and banquets.  Phil. 
Here's a woman:  
The soul of Hercules has got into her.  
She has a spirit, is more masculine,  
Than the first gender: how her speech has filled me  
With love and wonder? sweet lady proceed.  Fau. 
I would have you proceed, and seek for fame  
In brave exploits, like those that snatch their honour  
Out of the talents of the Roman Eagle.  
And pull her golden feathers in the field.  
Those are brave men, not you that stay at home,  
And dress yourself up, like a Pageant,  
With thousand antic, and exotic shapes,  
That make an idol of a looking-glass,  
sprucing yourself two hours by it, with such  
Gestures and postures, that a waiting wench  
Would be ashamed of you, and then come forth  
T'adore your Mistress Fan, or tell your dream,  
Ravish a ●●sse from her white glove, and then  
Compare it with her hand, to praise her gown,  
Her Tire, and discourse of the fashion;  
Make discovery, which Lady paints, which not:  
Which Lord plays best at Gleek, which best at Racket.  
These are fine elements.  Phil. 
You have redeemed me,  
And with the sunny beams of your good counsel  
Dispersed the mist that hung so heavy on me:  
And that you may perceive it takes effect,  
I'll to the wars immediately.  Fau. 
Why then,  
I must confess I shall love you the better.  Phil. 
I will begin it in your happy omen:  
But first confess, that you have vanquished me.  
And if I shall o'ercome an enemy,  
Yield you the Trophies of the victory.  Faust. 
Please you walk in the while.  Phil. 
I shall attend you.  Exit Faustina. 
Henceforth I'll strive to fly the sight of pleasure,  
As of an Harpy or a Basilisk,  
And when she flatters, seal my ears with Wax,  
Took from that boat, that rowed with a deaf oar,  
From the sweet tunes of the Sicilian shore.  Enter Trimalchio, Capritio, Fidelio, Ardelio, Snarle. Trim. 
Are you for the war indeed?  Phil. 
Immediately.  
Is there any of you will go along with me,  
Besides this Gentleman?  Trim. 
I think nobody.  Phil. 
Ardelio, thou art my faithful servant.  Ard. 
Alas sir,  
My body is fat, and spongy, penetrable;  
And the least cold will kill me.  Snarl. 
Yet his face  
Is hatched with impudence, threefold thick.  Ard. 
I am not for your Trenches, and cold cramps,  
Their discipline will quickly bring me under:  
I'll stay at home, and look to your business.  Phil. 
Brother Capritìo, what say you to it?  Caprit. 
Who I? ods lid I am not such an Ass,  
To go amongst them, like your volunteers,  
That frighted worse at home with debt and danger,  
Travel abroad i'th' summer to see service,  
And then come home i'th' winter, to drink Sack.  
I am none of those, I'll hardly trust myself  
In the Artillery yard, for fear of mischief.  Phil. 
Mr. Trimalehio, you are young and lusty,  
Full of ambitious thoughts.  Trim. 
'Tis true indeed,  
That I am grown ambitious of honour.  
And mean to purchase it.  Snarl. 
But with no danger  
Of life and hope.  Trim. 
I mean to hazard a limb for it.  Phil. 
Why, whither are you going?  Trim. 
To the leaguer,  
Upon the same employment, that Hercules  
Did once against the Amazons.  Snarl. 
And I  
Will stay at home, and write their annals for them.  Phil. 
Stay all at home, and hug your ignominies,  
And whilst we spoil the enemy, may you  
Be piled by pimps. Cheaters entrench upon you.  
Let Bawds, and their issues join with you. Marry  
With whores, and let projectors rifle for you.  
And so I leave you.  Trim. 
We shall hear of you,  
By the next coranto, I make no doubt of it.    

Actus 4.  

Scene 1.  Trimalchio, Capritio. Trim. 
Brother Capritto, are you well provided  
With ammunition? armed Capa pea,  
To scale the Fort of our Semiramis?  Capr. 
I am appointed, Brother.  Trim. 
Then let us on,  
And beat a parley at the gates. So, ho.  Enter Pander. Pand. 
How now what bold adventurers be here?  
What desperate rudeness tempts you to your ruin?  
Here are no Geese to keep our Capitol.  
But men of arms, you slaves, stout imps of Mars:  
Giants, sons of the Earth, that shall rise up,  
Like Cadmus' progeny, to fight it out,  
Till you are all consumed. Have you any gold?  
'tis that must break our gates ope: there are locked  
A score of Danae's wenches of delight,  
Within this Castle, if I list to show you  
Where Circe keeps her residence, that shall,  
If she but lay her rod upon your necks,  
Transform you into Apes, & Swine, you sheep's face.  
If thou shalt once but drink of her enchantments,  
she'll make a Lion of thee.  Caprit. 
Alas sir,  
I had rather look like an Ass, as I am still.  Trim. 
Be not too boisterous, my son of thunder.  
we are wellwishers to thy camp, and thee,  
Here is a freshman, I would have acquainted  
With the mystery of your iniquity.  Pand. 
I do embrace thy league, and return the hand  
Of friendship. To thy better understanding,  
I will discover the situation of the place.  
'tis of itself an Island, a mere Swans nest:  
Which had Ulysses seen, he would prefer  
Before his Ithaca, and he whom Fate  
Shall bless to vanquish it; He may deserve  
The name of a new conqueror. It has  
The credit, to be styled the Terra florida,  
Of the best beauties in the Town, my friend,  
That repair hither upon the least summons,  
Besides some that are constant to their trenches.  
Venus in his house is predominant.  
'tis barren, I confess. Yet wholly given  
To the deeds of fructication. But those  
Are barred from coming to perfection,  
With Rheums, and diseases. You dormice,  
What must I read a lecture to you gratis?  Trim. 
No sir, here's money for you.  Pandar, 
You may enter,  
And return safe, upon your good behaviour.   

Actus 4. Seen 2.  Bawd 2. Whores. Bawd. 
Well, they may talk of Dunkirk, or of Callis,  
Enriched with foreign booties, but if ever  
A little Garrison, or sconce, as this,  
Were so filled up with spoils, let me be carted.  1. Whore. 
And carry it so cunningly away,  
Beyond the reach of justice, and of all  
The jurisdiction in our own hand,  
Like a free state.  Bawd. 
Did not I purchase it?  
And am not I the Lady of the Manor?  
And who shall dare to question me? I hope,  
I shall be able to defend my Fort,  
From the invasion of the painted staff,  
Or the tempestuous paper Engine, safe,  
As a mole in a Trench, and work at high midnight.  
When their wise heads are laid, we'll raise the spirits  
Of our dead pleasures, use the benefit  
Of youth, and dance our Orgies by the Moonlight.  1. Whore. 
I hope they need not to condemn us, we drive  
As open trade as they, and vent as ill  
Commodities, as any: all that we utter,  
Is in dark shops, or else by candlelight.  2. Whore. 
We are become the envy of Citizens.  1. Whore. 
It is reported that we study physic.  Bawd. 
Why so?  1. Whore. 
The reason is, because we know  
The several constitutions of men's bodies.  2. Whore. 
And some term us the leaguer.  Bawd. 
We defy  
The force of any man, who's that knocks so?  
Go bid the watch look out, and if their number  
Be not too plural, then let them come in.  
But if they chance to be those ruffian Soldiers,  
Let fall the portcullis. All they can do,  
Is to discharge a volley of oaths at me.  
I'll take no tickets, nor no future stipends.  
'tis not false titles, or denominations  
Of offices can do it. I must have money.  
Tell them so, draw the bridge. I'll make them know,  
This is no widow's house, but Marcus Manitius,  
Is Lord of the Island, Who was't?  1. Whore. 
The Constable.  Bawd. 
What would he have?  2. Whore. 
You know his business.  Bawd. 
Pox on the Marshal, and the Constable.  
There cannot be a Mystery in a Trade,  
But they must peep into it. Merciless varlets,  
That know how many fall by our occupation,  
And yet would have their Venery for nothing.  
A chambermaid can't have a Ruff to set,  
But they must be poking in it;  
Now they have brought us under contribution,  
They vex us more than the Venetians do  
The whole Corporation of courtesans:  
But we must give good words, show them a room.  Enter Ardelio. Ard. 
There's hot service within, I hear the musket's  
Play from the Rampires. I am valiant,  
And will venture upon the very mouths of them.  Bawd. 
Mr. Ardelio, you have been a stranger.  
You are grown rich of late.  Ard. 
Who, I grown rich?  Bawd. 
Yes somewhat pursy for want of exercise.  Ard. 
Well, I was wont to put in for a gamester.  
But now I am quite thrust out of all play.  Bawd. 
We were wont to be your subjects to work on,  
And since you scorn us, yet you cannot say,  
But you have found good dealing at our hands.  2. Whore. 
We have been always bent to your worships will  
And forward to help you on at all times.  Ard. 
Come, you are good wenches.  Bawd. 
Truly sir you know,  
I keep as good creatures at livery,  
And as cheap too, as any poor sinner  
Of my profession.  Ard. 
Hast thou ere a morsel,  
That is not tainted, or fly blown?  Bawd. 
Indeed I have  
So much ado to keep my family sound,  
You would wonder at it: and such as are so,  
They are taken up presently. But I have one,  
I dare commend to you, for wind and limb.  Ard. 
Come, let me have her then.  Bawd. 
Please you walk in, sir.  Exit Ardolio. Enter Miscellanio. Miscel. 
Its strange there is no more attendance given,  
To usher in a man of my quality.  
Are you the Governess of this Cinqueport, Lady?  Bawd. 
The fortress, sir, is mine, and none come here,  
But pay me custom.  Miscel. 
Hast thou ne'er a Pilot,  
Or man of war to conduct a man safe  
Into thy Harbour? there be rogues abroad.  
Piratical varlets that would pillage me.  Bawd. 
Very well, sir.  Miscel. 
I thought at first, you would have bar my entrance.  Bawd. 
I do not use the fashions of those Countries,  
That keep a stranger out four weeks at sea,  
To know if he be sound. I make no scruple,  
But give free traffic to all Nations.  
If you have paid your due, you may put in,  
There is the way, I'll follow presently.  Exit Miscellanio. 
I think our soldiers are all come, let's in  
And set the watch.  Enter Trimalchio, Capritio. Trim. 
Stay punk, make room for us,  
That have advanced our banners to thy walls,  
Past all the pikes, the perdues, and the sentries.  
'tis a good Omen, where's Bellona there,  
And the daughters of Mars, those brave Girls?  
We are come to pay our homage to their smocks.  Bawd. 
Nay, if you are unruly, we shall tame you.  Trim. 
Fear not, we are tributaries, punk.  Bawd. 
Sir, do you speak with no more reverence  
To me? it seems you know me not  Trim. 
I shall  
Endeavour to preserve thy dignity,  
Art thou that brave hippolyte, that governs  
This troop of Scythians? Speak, Orsthya,  
My Menalippe, my Antiope  
we are sworn vassals to your petticoats.  Bawd. 
Did you attempt but the least injury,  
There be in readiness, would vindicate  
The wrongs, and credit of my house.  Trim. 
I know  
Thy power, punk, and do submit me, punk,  
Tam Marti, quam Veneri. 'tis thy Motto, punk.  Caprit. 
Would I could tell how to get out again.  Bawd. 
How came you in? have you performed all duties?  Trim. 
I threw thy Cerberus a sleepy Morsel,  
And paid thy Charon for my waftage over.  
And I have a golden sprig for my Proserpine.  Bawd. 
Then you are welcome, sir.  Trim. 
Nay I do honour  
Thee, and thy house, and all thy vermin in't.  
And thou dost well to stand upon thy guard,  
Spite of the statutes. 'tis a Castle this,  
A Fort, a Metrapolitan bawdy house.  
A Cynosarges, such as Hercules  
Built in the honour of his pedigree,  
For entertainment of the bastard issue  
Of the bold Spartan.  Bawd. 
You have said enough, sir.  
And for requital, I will show you in,  
Where you shall read the titles, and the prices.  Trim. 
But here's a brother of mine is somewhat bashful:  
I'd fain deliver him to thy discipline.  Bawd. 
What, is he bashful? that's a fault indeed.  
Come hither, chops, you must not be so shamefaced?  Trim. 
lo you there, sir, you shall come forth in print.  
March on, my Calypso, come sir, follow your colours.  
You shall have the leading of the first title,   

Actus 4. Scene 3.  Agurtes like a Constable. Antolicus Snarle like watchmen. Agur. 
Are your disguises ready?  Antol. 
I have mine.  Snarl. 
Mine's in my pocket.  Agur. 
Put it on your face.  
Now they are housed, I'll watch their coming forth,  
And fright them in the form of a Constable,  
If that succeeds well, then I'll change the person,  
To a justice of peace, and you shall act  
My clerk Autolicus. They say an officer  
Dares not appear about the Gates: I'll try it.  
For I have made one drunk, and got his staff.  
Which I will use with more authority,  
Than Mercury his all-commanding rod,  
To charm their steps, that none shall pass this way;  
Without examination. There stalks one,  Ardelio passes by. 
I'll first know what he is; now they drop away,  
As if they leapt out from the Trojan horse;  
This is the Autumn of the night: who goes there?  Ardel. 
A friend.  Antol. 
Friend, or foe, come before the Constable,  Agur. 
Whence come you, friend?  Ardel. 
an't please you Sir, I have  
Been waiting on my niece, home to her lodging.  Agur. 
Why, is your Niece a Leagerer, a sutler,  
Or Laundress to this Fort?  Ardel. 
No, and it like you,  
She lies without the camp.  Agur. 
You lie like a Pimp.  
You are an Apple-squire, a Rat, and a Ferret.  
I saw you bolt out from that Cunny-berry.  Ardel. 
Mr. Constable.  Agur. 
Out of the wind of me what do you think,  
You can put out the eyes of a gor-crow?  
Fob me off so, the Constable, that have  
The parish stock of wit in my hands? I am glad,  
That I have got you from your covert. You shall  
be learcht, you shall along with me sir.  Ardel, 
Whither?  Agur. 
No farther than to prison, where you shall pay,  
But forty shillings for noctivagation.  Ardel. 
I am undone then. There are forty old scores,  
I owe in Town, will follow after me.  Agur. 
What are you? what's your name?  Ard. 
Ardelio,  
A Lords servant.  Agur. 
Do Lords servants do this?  Ardel. 
Alas, a venial sin, we use to learn it,  
When we come first to be pages.  Agur. 
Stand by, there's one has got a clap too.  Miscellanio passes by. Miscel. 
The shirt of Hercules was not so hot.  Snarl. 
there's one sure has been hurt with a Gronieado.  Agurt. 
How now, who's there?  Miscel. 
Here's nobody.  Agur. 
nobody. My senses fail me then, who is't?  
What man are you?  Miscel. 
No man, you are deceived,  
I can not find I am a man, that part  
Is dead, wherein I once was an Achilles:  Anto. 
Come nearer.  Miscel. 
I can not go, I have lost my nerves.  Antol. 
You shall be carried to the jail then.  Miscel. 
Fitter  
For an Hospital. I am condemned already  
To fluxes, and dyer drinks.  Trimalchio. Capritio. Trim. 
Murder, Murder, Mr. Constable, Murder.  Agur. 
Who's that Heronimo's son's ghost in the Garden?  Trim. 
O Mr. Constable, we have been so used,  
As never two adventurous Gentlemen  
In the hands of their enemies.  Agur. 
What's the matter?  Trim. 
Let me take breath: I am at the last gasp.  
We have escaped from the den of the Cyclops,  
There was one ran a spit against my eyes.  Caprit. 
Amongst the rest, there was a blink-eyed woman  
Set a great dog upon me.  Trm. 
They have spoilt us  
Of our cloaks, our hats, our swords, and our money.  Snarl. 
Your wits, and credit were both lost before.  Caprit. 
No, we had not our wits about us then.  Trim. 
Good sir, let's think on some revenge, call up  
The Gentlemen prentices, and make a Shrove-Tuesday.  Agur. 
By no means, I must suppress all violence.  Caprit. 
My brother talked of building of a sconce,  
And straight they seized our cloaks for the reckoning.  Trim. 
There I lost my hat and sword in the rescue.  Agur. 
'twas weldone.  Trim. 
And whilst some strove to hold my hands,  
The other dived in my pockets. I am sure,  
There was a fellow with a tanned face, whose breath  
Was grown sulphurous with oaths and tobacco,  
Puffed terror in my face, I shall never be  
Mine own man again.  Bawd and whores from above. Bawd. 
Stop their throats, somebody.  1 Who. 
'twere a good deed to have made them swim the moat.  2 Who. 
ay, to have stripped them, and sent them out naked.  1 Who. 
Let's sally out, and fetch them in again.  
Then call a court on them for false alarms.  Trim. 
Fly from their rage, sir; they are worse than Harpies,  
They'll tear us, as the Thracians did Orpheus,  
Whose Music, though it charmed the powers of Hell,  
Could not be heard amongst these. Mr. Ardelio  
And Miscellanio, I joy to see you,  
Though ill met here.  Miscel. 
signior Trimalchio,  
Sir you must pardon me. I can not stoop.  
I have the grincum's in my back, I fear  
Will spoil my courtship.  Trim. 
Mr. Ardelio,  
Who would expected to have met you here?  Ard. 
Nay, who would not expect it? 'tis my haunt.  
I love it, as a pigeon, loves a salt-pit.  Miscel. 
O me! my scholar too how came he hither?  
I did not mean t'impart this mystery.  
How could he find it out?  Trim. 
His own Minerva,  
And my helped, sir.  Agur. 
Well, you must all together,  Trim. 
Whither must we go?  Agur. 
Marry, before a justice,  
To answer for your riot.  Ardel. 
M. Constable.  Agur. 
I can not dispense with it.  Miscel. 
Let us redeem our peace.  Agur. 
Not before next sessions. Bring them away.  Snarl. 
Come, there's no remedy.   

Actus 4. Scene 4.  Bawd, Whores, Pander. Bawd. 
Was ever such a treacherous plot intended,  
Against our State, and dignity?  Pand. 
Had this  
passed with impunity, they might have sworn,  
Vengeance had run the country.  1. Whore. 
But I hope,  
They have no cause to boast their victory,  Pand. 
Now by this air, as I am a true soldier,  
Bred under, and devoted to your Banne,  
But that your pity did prevent my rage,  
They should have known no quarter, for this brow  
Brooks no affronts.  2. Whore. 
Captain, you fought it bravely.  Bawd. 
we'll have a stone graven with characters.  
To intimate your prowess.  Pand. 
No, my dear Gorgon's,  
I will not have my same wander without  
The precincts of your Castle: 'tis enough  
It can be sheltered here, within these walls.  
And to recount with your acknowledgements,  
What this Fort owes to my protection.  Bawd. 
Captain, we must confess you are our Guardian.  Pand. 
Then let me sacrifice unto my humour.  
All you this night, shall be at my disposing,  
To drink and drab, 'tis the fault of your fortune  
That do profess this trade, t'have somebody,  
To spend your purchase on, 'tis my decree,  
What others riot, you should waste on me.   

Actus 4. Scene 4.  Agurtes like a justice of peace. Antelicus his clerk. Agur. 
What, are they come?  Antol. 
Yes, sir.  Agur. 
Then let me see  
How I can act it: do I look like a justice?  Antol. 
As fearful as an Ass in a lion's skin, sir.  Agur. 
Here I begin my state. Suppose me now  
Come down the stairs, out of the dining room,  
Into the hall, and thus I begin. Brisco.  
Call Brisco my clerk.  Antol. 
At your elbow, sir.  Agur. 
Reach me my ensign of authority,  
My staff I mean. Fie, fie, how dull you are,  
And incomposed? Now set me in my chair,  
That I may look like a Cathedral justice,  
That knew, what belongs to an Assignanimus,  
And Dedimus potestatis. Nay, though we are  
Of the peace, we can give Priscian a knock.  
Let me alone now to determine causes,  
As free from error as the Pope. Old Minos,  
And Rhadmanth, are not so skilled i'th' urn,  
As I am in the statutes. I have them ad unguem  
Now if they enter, at their peril be it.  
How dost thou like my action?  Antol. 
Very well, sir.  Agur. 
Let them come in.  Enter Snarle like a Constable. Trimalchio, Capritio, Miscellanio, Ardelio. 
Now Mr Constable,  
I must commend your diligence. Come hither.  Snarl. 
Sir I have borough four men before your Worship,  
I found last night, at midnight, in the streets,  
Raising a tumult.  Agur. 
Brisco, be ready to take  
Their examination. Good: you found four men,  
At midnight. Whose men are they?  Trim. 
Our own men, sir.  Agur. 
So it seems by your Liveries.  
Write that down; first they say, they are their own men.  Ardel. 
Sir, by your favour, I am not my own man.  Agur. 
I thought they would not all be in one tale,  
I knew I should find them tripping, and I  
Once come to sift them. You are not your own man.  
It argues you are drunk. Write his confession,  
Ex os tuum te iudico: perge Mr. Constable.  Snarl. 
I hold it fit, your Worship should examine  
What they did there so late,  Agur. 
What did you there  
So late?  Miscel. 
Good justice Echo, we had business.  Agur. 
Record, they say they had business. They shall know.  
That I am judge of Record, and what I do  
Record, shall stand, and they shall have no power  
To plead not guilty in a Scire facias,  
By a Recognisance. I have my terms.  Ardel 
Good your Worship, give us not such hard words.  Trim. 
'tis almost as hard usage as the leaguer.  Agur. 
Then you came from the leaguer?  Trim. 
You may read  
Some adventures in our habit, we have seen,  
And tasted the experience of the wars.  Miscel. 
They have made me of another religion,  
I must turn jew, I think, and be circumcised.  
I may be any thing, now I shall lose a Limb.  
I may go seek my pension with the soldiers.  
But 'tis no matter, I'll turn valiant,  
And fight with the stump.  Agur. 
You are a fighter then.  
This doth appear to me, to be a riot.  
What think you, Mr. Constable?  Snarl. 
I think no less.  Agur. 
'twas ad terrorem populum.  Snarl. 
I know not  
What you mean, but I mean as your Worship means.  
I did perceive they had been quarrelling.  Agur. 
Why then 'twas an affray, a sudden affray,  
Directly against the State of Northampton.  
The Decimo tertio of Harry the fourth clears the doubt.  
How do you traverse this? what do you answer?  Ard. 
We make a question, by your worship's favour,  
Under correction, whether that which was  
Done under foreign powers, in foreign Lands,  
Be punishable here or no.  Agur. 
How prove you that?  Ard. 
'tis a province by itself, a privileged place,  
A strong corporation, and has factions  
In Court and City.  Trim. 
Is inhabited  
With furies, that do multiply like Hydra:  
An army of diseases can't suppress them,  
Besides their many fallings tother way.  Agur. 
I should be loath t'infringe their liberties,  
I'll send you to betrayed, from whence you came then.  Caprit. 
O good your Worship, hang us up at home first,  
Let us endure the rack or the strappado,  
We do submit us to your worship's censure.  Agur. 
Have you provided sureties for the peace then?  Ard. 
More need to provide somethings for my belly.  
I think they mean to keep me for a race.  
I am fall'n away quite, I was like a hogshead.  
Now I amable to run thorough my hoops.  Agur. 
What's he that halts before me? do you mock me?  
'tis ill halting before a cripple, sirrah  Miscel. 
This sore against my will, I can not help it.  
Would I could run away with half my teeth.  Agur. 
Can't a man have the venerable gout,  
Or the bone-ache, but you must imitate him?  Miscel. 
Good Mr. justice.  Agur. 
Mock your fellow rogues.  
I am none of those, that raised my fortunes with  
Fiddling and Tobacco. Make his Mittimus.  Snarl. 
an't please you sir, here's one has brought a Letter.  Agur. 
From whom?  Snarl. 
He says, from one Mistress Millescent,  
The contents will inform you.  
The Letter.  
NOble sir, I am sorry to interest my unstained honour in the patronage of offenders, or to abuse the credit I have with you, in stopping the course of justice against them, whose youthful licentiousness, would pollute the pen of a Lady to excuse it. On the other part, I hold it the betraying of a virgin's sweet disposition, to withdraw her favours, where she has once placed them, although there be some want of desert. I must confess 'tis an Antipathy to my nature, to see any Gentleman suffer, when I may prevent it. Howsoever I have found a disrespect from him, yet I forget it. For anger abides in the bosoms of women, as snow on the ground: where it is smooth and level, it falls quickly off, but remains where it is rough and uneven. That this may appear to be true, I would entreat you to dismiss those two Gentlemen and their associates, Mr. Trimalchio, and Capritio, whose riotous looseness has made them obnoxious to your censure, and my suspicion. Thus not doubting the success of my letter, I rest in your favour as you may presume on mine, and your true friend,  
Millescent.  Agur. 
This Lady, that has writ in your behalf,  
Is one I honour.  Trim. 
How could she hear of it?  Agur. 
It seems, your fault is quickly blown abroad.  
〈…〉 rather seal a Noverint universi,  
For a thousand pound stale commodities,  
Then thee should know of it.  Agur. 
As for you two,  
You may pay your fees and depart, you have  
Your manumission, or this lady's sake.  
Master. Constable, you are discharged, and you may  
Go along with them and receive their fees.  Mis. 
Though I say nothing, yet I smell something:  
A Lady send a letter? she is, in love  
With me, I'll pawn my life, and I ne'er knew it.  
I'll get my back well, and go visit her.  Ard. 
Now I have got my teeth at liberty,  
And they ere tie me to the rack again,  
Let me be choked.  Exeunt Miscellanio, snarl, Ardelio! Agur. 
Well, I perceive you are  
A favourite to this Lady. What's your name?  Trim. 
Trimalchio.  Agur. 
And yours?  Capr. 
Capritie.  Agur. 
Two ancient names in Camden, Of what country?  Capr. 
Of Norfolk.  Agur. 
The Capritios of Norfolk.  
I think we shall be kin anon. My mother  
Was a Capritie, and of that house;  
Are you allied unto this Lady?  Trim. 
No sir.  
But I have formerly been entertained  
As a poor tutor to her grace's favour.  Agur. 
I find by that, you are a man of fashion.  
And would you then?  Trim. 
Nay good sir, do not chide.  Agur. 
Yes, I must tell you, that you were to blame,  
Having so fair a fortune before you, to wrong  
A Lady of her spirit; so rich, and fair,  
Of unreproved chastity, and one  
So high in birth, nay 'tis not possible  
To speak her virtues, and present yourself  
So lumpishly, nay perhaps fill her bed  
Full of diseases.  Trim. 
Good sir, say no more.  
I am a traitor, I have killed a man,  
Committed sacrilege. Let her seek revenge  
For these, or if less punishment will serve:  
To have me beaten, I'll run naked to her.  Agur. 
I will not press a good nature so far:  
You two shall stay and dine with me. I'll send  
My coach for your Mistress, it shall go hard:  
But I will make you friends, before we part.    

Actus 5.  

Scene 1.  Philautus, Fidelio, Faustina. Faust. 
Now let me bid you welcome from the wars,  
Laden with conquest, and the golden fleece  
Of honour, which like jason, you have brought  
T'enrich your Country, now indebted to you.  
Had it not been a pity such a talon  
Of virtue should be lost or ill employed?  Phil. 
Lady, you are a good Physician,  
It was your counsel wrought this miracle,  
Beyond the power of Aesculapius:  
For when my mind was stupefied, and lost  
In the pursuit of pleasures: all my body  
Torn, and dissected with close vanities,  
You have collected me anew to life:  
And now I come to you, with as chaste thoughts,  
As they were first adulterous, and yield  
A due submission for the wrong I did  
Both to yourself, and sex.  Faust. 
Sir. for my part,  
You have your pardon.  Phil. 
You were borne to quit me.  Fude. 
But when you know the Author of your freedom,  
You'll thank her more.  Phil. 
Why, who is it?  Fudel. 
Your sister.  Phil. 
Who? not Faustina? she told me so indeed,  
Her name was Faustina. Let me look upon her,  
As on the picture of all goodness, engraven  
By a celestial finger, shall wear out:  
A marble character. I knew her not,  
I am glad there is a scion of our stock.  
Can bear such fruit as this, so ripe in virtue.  
Where have you lived recluse? you were betrothed  
To one Fidelio; but crossed by your father.  
I have heard good reports of the Gentleman.  Faust. 
I never knew you flatter any man  
Unto his face before.  Phil. 
Unto his face?  
Where is he?  Fidel. 
My name's Fidelio.  Phil. 
I am transported, ravished: give me leave  
Good gods, to entertain with reverence,  
So great a comfort. Let me first embrace you.  
Great joys, like griefs, are silent. Lose me now,  
And let me make you fast. Here join your hands,  
Which no age shall untie. Let happiness  
Distil from you, as the Arabian gums,  
To bless your issue.  Fidel. 
Now I hope, sweet Lady,  
The time has put a period to your vow.  Faust. 
'tis ended now, and you may take a comfort,  
That I could tie myself to such a law.  
For you may hope thereby, I shall observe you  
With no less strict obedience.  Fide. 
I believe you.  Phil. 
And for her dowry, I will treble it,  Enter Snarle. 
Here Sanrle is come to be a witness to it.  Snarl. 
My Lord Philautus, if I may presume  
To congratulate your honour's safe return,  
I must confess, I do it with my heart,  
And all your friends long to participate  
Your happy presence.  Phil. 
Thanks both to them and thee.  Snarl. 
Master Fidelio, no less to you.  
I see you happy in your Mistress favour:  
And that's as much, as I can wish to you.  Fidel. 
You have been always privy to my counsel  
Ask me no questions now, I shall resolve you  
When we come in.  Phil. 
How fares our Camp at home,  
Trimalchio, and the rest?  Snarl. 
I have been busy,  
In projecting for them, they must all be married.  
I have seen the interlude of the leaguer:  
And we have played the justice, and the Constable:  
I will not prepossess you with the sport,  
But I will show you such a scene of laughter.  Phil. 
Where is Ardelio  Snarl. 
Your servant Ardelio.  
'tis the notorioust mixture of a villain,  
That ever yet was bred under the dunghill  
Of servitude. He has more whores at command,  
Than you have horses. He has stables for them,  
His private vaulting houses.  Phil. 
Discharge him the house.  
Take his accounts and office, and dispose them.  Snarl. 
Ever your Lordship's true and faithful servant.   

Actus 5 Scene 2.  Millescent, Margery. Milles. 
When was my Father, and the Captain here?  Marg. 
They are plotting abroad, I hope to see you shortly  
Honestly married, and then turn virtuous.  Milles. 
'tis the course of the world now, Margery.  
But yet I fear, I have got such a trick,  
When I was young, that I shall never leave it.  Marg. 
What help then? the poor Gentleman must suffer,  
Good Trimalchio: 'tis his fate.  Milles. 
I am thinking,  
What I shall do with him, when I am married.  Marg. 
What do other women do with their husbands?  
Bring him up in obedience, make him besides  
An implement to save your reputation.  
Let him not press into your company  
Without permission, you must pretend,  
You are ashamed of him. Let him not eat,  
Nor lie with you, unless he pay the hire  
Of a new gown, or petticoat: live with him,  
As if you were his neighbour, only near him,  
In that you hate his friends: and when you please.  
To show the power you carry over him,  
Send him before on foot, and you come after  
With your coach and four horses.  Milles. 
'tis fitting so  Enter Miscellanio. 
Host now what piece of motion have we here  
Would you speak with anybody?  Miscel. 
My business,  
Is to the Lady Millescent.  Milles. 
What's your will?  Miscel. 
Are you that Lady?  Milles. 
Yes, my name is so.  Miscel. 
To you then I direct my apology.  
It seems your eye with approbation,  
Has glanced upon my person. I protest  
I never was so dull in the construction  
Of any Lady's favour in my life:  
I am ashamed of my error.  Milles. 
In what, sir?  
I can not call to mind that ere I saw you.  Miscel. 
You have been still too modest to conceal it.  
That was not my fault: you did ill to strive  
To hide the flames of love, they must have vent:  
'tis not the walls of flesh can hold them in.  Milles. 
What riddles have we here? that I should love you?  
I would not have you think so well of yourself.  Marg. 
Perhaps he has some petition to deliver,  
Or would desire your letter to some Lord.  Misce. 
I know not how, sure I was stupified,  
I have ere now guessed at a Lady's mind,  
Only by the warbling of her Lutestring,  
Kissing her hand, or wagging of her feather,  
And suffer you to pine for my embraces,  
And not conceive it?  Milles. 
Pray be pacified.  
This fellow will persuade me, I am in love.  Miscel. 
Lady, you have took notice of my worth  
Let it not repent you. Be not stubborn  
Towards your happiness. You have endured  
Too much already for my sake, you shall see,  
Pity can melt my heart. I take no delight,  
To have a Lady languish for my lioe.  
I am not made of flint as you suspect me.  Milles. 
I would thou wert converted to a pillar,  
For a memorial of this impudence.  Miscel. 
You shall know what 'tis to tempt me hereafter,  
When I shall let you perish for your folly.  
I came to remunerate the courtesy,  
I received from your Ladyship.  Milles. 
I know of none.  Miscel. 
I must acknowledge myself bound to you  Milles. 
For what?  Miscel. 
Your Letter to the justice, Lady,  
It freed me from the pounces of those varlets,  
When I was under the gripe of the Law.  
I know, the only motive was your love.  Milles. 
I cry you mercy, were you one of them  
That drew Trimalchio to those idle courses?  
I am ashamed of the benefit, leave me  
That I may not see the cause of my sorrow:  
But 'tis no matter, we shall leave you first.  Exeunt Millescent, Margery. Miscel. 
They shall find, I am no man to be slighted,  
And that she has misplaced her affection.  
When I have wracked the wrongs on my corrival,  
Trimalchio, look to thyself, were he removed,  
There might be hopes, my valour shall make known  
There is a difference. I'll straight to the tavern:  
And when I once am hot with good Canary,  
I pronounce him dead that affronts my fury.   

Actus 5. Scene 3.  Ardelio. 
Turned out of service the next turn will be  
Under the Gallows, and have a Ballad made of me,  
The corruption of a cashiered Servingman,  
Is the generation of a thief. I scare,  
My fate points me not out to so good fortune.  
My bulk will not serve me to take a purse.  
The best thing I am fit for, is a tapster,  
Or else get a wench of mine own, and sell  
Bottle Ale and Tobacco, that's my refuge  
They termed me parasite, 'tis a mystery  
Is like a familiar, that leaves a man  
When he is near his execution.  
I have no power to flatter myself now,  
I might have gone a-wooing to some widow,  
And had his countenance, but now the tenants  
Look like their Bacon, rustily, upon me.  Enter jeffry. 
What, jeffery! thou art the comfort of my woes:  
Welcome, good jeffry.  Ieff. 
Thanks to your good Worship;  Ard. 
Where are my hangings, jeffry?  Ieff. 
Very well, sir.  
Locked in a Cypress chest, for fear of Moths.  Aed. 
And all the other furniture good jeffry.  Ieff. 
They are kept safe, and well aried for your Worship.  Ardel. 
Thanks, good jeffry. I were in a sweet case,  
If I had not conveyed somethings away,  
To maintain me hereafter.  Ieffry. 
Why so, sir?  Ard. 
I may go set up bills now for my living,  
Cry Vinegar up and down the streets; or fish  
At black friars' stairs; or sit against  
A wall, with a library of ballads before me.  Ieff. 
You are not out of service.  Ard. 
Turned a grazing,  
In the wide Common of the world, jeffry.  Ieff. 
Then are my hopes at best, I have no reason  
To care for him any longer; a word with you.  
What furniture do you mean?  Ard. 
Those that I sent,  
The beds, and hangings.  Ieff. 
Did you send any such?  Ardel. 
I hope you will not use me so.  Ieff. 
Your own words.  
I must make the best benefit of my place:  
You know, 'tis not an age to be honest in.  
'tis the only highway unto poverty.  
I know not how, I do not fancy you  
Of late.  Arde. 
I chose thee for thy knavish look.  
And now thou hast requited me: of all  
My evils, thou art the worst.  Ieff. 
No faith, sir.  
You have a worse commodity at my house.  
But you may save the charges of a writ.  
I'll send her you without reprieve or bail.  
I do you that favour.  Ard. 
No, you may keep her still.  Ieff. 
My thinks you are much dejected with your fall,  
I find an alteration in your face.  
You look like an Almanac of last years date.  
Or like your livery cloak, of two years wearing.  
Worse than the smoky wall of a bawdy house.  Ard. 
Villain, dost thou insult on me?  jeff 
No faith sir,  
Alas, 'tis not within the reach of man,  
To countermine your plots.  Ard. 
Well, slave, because  
I'll rid my hands of thee, I'll give thee a share.  Ieff. 
You must have none, without lawful proceeding.  
And that I know, you dare not.  Enter Snarle, and Officers. Snarl. 
But I dare.  
Have you been partners all this while in mischief,  
And now fall out, who shall be the most knave?  Ieff. 
What do you mean?  Snarl. 
I mean to search your house  
For ammunition, no otherwise,  
Which I suspect you send unto the leaguer.  Ieff. 
Sir I have nothing there, but one cracked piece  
Belongs to this Gentleman, can do no service.  
She is spoilt in the boar.  Snarl. 
we'll have her new cast.  
Come, bring them away.  Ard. 
Nay good sir, you know,  
That I was lately quit before a justice.  
And if I fall in a relapse.  Snarl. 
all's one  
To me, but you must satisfy the Law.  Ard. 
Well then, I know the worst of it.   

Actus 4. Scene 4.  Agurtes, Antolicus. Trimalchio, Capritio. Agur. 
Master Trimalchio, 'tis an age since I saw you.  Trim. 
I was ne'er out of town.  Agur. 
Not out of town?  
We sought you about all the Ordinaries,  
Taverns and bawdy-houses, we could imagine  
You ever haunted.  Trim. 
You might have found us then.  Antol. 
Nay more, we enquired at the playhouses.  Agur. 
'Twas once in my mind, to have had you cried.  Antol. 
We gave you lost.  Trim. 
Well, shall I tell you, Captain?  Antol. 
I; do, what is't?  Trim. 
This Gentleman and I  
Have passed through purgatory, since I saw you.  
If I should tell you all the passages  
At the leaguer.  Antol. 
Thither we came to meet you,  
And you were gone.  Capr. 
And then at the justices.  Agur. 
Were you before the justice?  Trim. 
'Tis such a story  
Would fill a Chronicle.  Capr. 
We met with a party of the enemies,  
Took all we had from us, and then it cost us  
Forty shillings in fees at the justices.  Agur. 
That was hard dealing.  Capr. 
The old boy and I  
Grew to be kin at last.  Trim. 
He made me sure  
To my mistress, before we parted.  Agur. 
How?  
By what strange accident?  Trim. 
Honest Ardelio,  
And Misellanio, we were all together  
In rebellion, and quit by a Letter,  
That came from my mistress.  Agur. 
Is't possible?  
And Miscellanio turn traitor?  Trim. 
What.  Agur. 
Would have your mistress from you, thinks the Letter  
Was sent for his sake.  Trim. 
That I am sure he does not.  Agur. 
Threatens, and swears that he will fight for her.  Trim. 
If he be weary of his life, he may.  
Why what can he pretend to her?  Agur. 
I know not,  
What has passed between them, but I am sure,  
He has been practising at the Fencing school,  
To get a trick to kill you.  Trim. 
He kill me!  
I'll kill him first. I fight by Geometry.  Agur. 
How? By Geometry?  Trim. 
Yes sir, here I hold  
My Rapier, mark me, in a diameter  
To my body; that's the centre, conceive me.  Antol. 
Your body is the centre, very good.  Trim. 
And my hilt, part of the circumference.  Antol. 
Well sir.  Trim. 
Which hilt is bigger than my body.  Anto. 
Then your whole body?  Trim. 
Yes at such a distance.  
And he shall never hit me, whilst he lives.  Antol. 
Where did you learn this? At the leager?  Trim. 
No.  
No by this light: it is my own invention.  
I learned it in my travels.  Anto. 
Very strange:  
You are a scholar.  Tri. 
No: I would not be  
suspected of such a crime for a Million.  
But 'tis no sin to know Geometry;  
And by that, I can tell we shall ne'er fight.  Antol. 
Not fight at all?  Trim. 
I'll show you in Geometry,  
Two parallels can never meet: now we two  
Being parallels, for so we are, that is  
Equal in wit and valour, can never meet.  
And if we never meet, we shall ne'er fight.  Enter Miscellanio. Antol. 
To prove your axiom false, see where he comes.  Trim. 
I do defy him.  Miscel. 
Hang thee blustering son  
Of Aeolus, defy me! I'll tie up thy breath  
In bags, and sell it for a penny an ounce.  Antol. 
Draw sir.  Miscel. 
Draw if he dares.  Capri. 
Sure, this is the second part of the leaguer.  
'twere best for me, to hide me in my cabin.  Exit Capritio. Miscel. 
will you resign your mistress?  Trim. 
No, I scorn it.  Miscel. 
Unless you'll have her ta'en away by force.  Antol. 
I see, this cannot be ended without blood.  Trim. 
Captain, a word with you.  Anto. 
What say you sir?  Trim. 
I am afraid he comes with the black art.  Antol. 
How you afraid? do not say so for shame.  Trim. 
He has lain with an old witch at Sweden.  
And is grown stick free.  Antol. 
Fie that you shall say so.  Trim. 
I'll be resolved of that before I fight.  Antol. 
Why, do you think that witches have such power?  Trim. 
I marry do I, I have known one of them,  
Do more than that, when her husband has followed  
Strange women, she has turned him into a Bezer,  
And made him bite out his own stones.  Antol. 
'tis strange!  Trim. 
I'll tell you another as strange as that, of one  
When a Vintner has sent her but ill wine,  
She has converted him into a Frog.  
And then conjured him into one of his butts,  
Where he has lived twelve months upon the lees,  
And when his old guests chance to come to see him,  
He has croaked to them, out at the bunghole.  Antol. 
This is miraculous.  Trim. 
There was a Lawyer  
That spoke against one of them at the bar.  Antol. 
What did she then?  Trim. 
Turned him into a Ram,  
And still that Ram retains his profession,  
Has many Clients, and pleads causes as well  
As some Lawyers in Westminster.  Anto. 
Do you think,  
That he has had recourse to any such?  Trim. 
I know not, but 'tis good to be mistrustful.  
He may have advantage in the encounter.  Enter Millescent. Margery. Miscel. 
There she comes, win her, and wear her.  Milles. 
Hold your hands.  
I'll have no blood a prologue to my wedding.  Trim. 
Nay then have at you. Hold me not, I say  
I am as fierce as he.  Milles. 
be pacified.  
I thought you had been both bound to the peace.  Antol. 
Lady, it seems, that these two Gentlemen  
Do stand in competition for your love.  Milles. 
Mr. Trimalchio, I confess, has been  
A former suitor, but with his ill carriage,  
He has thus long prevented his good fortune.  Antol. 
Then let me make a motion.  Milles. 
What is it?  Antol. 
Will they both stand to it?  Trim. 
I agree.  Miscel. 
And I.  Autol. 
Then let the Lady dispose of herself.  Trim. 
she is mine already. I am sure to her,  
Before a justice.  Miscel. 
I will have no woman,  
Against her will.  Milles. 
No sir, nor you shall not,  
Since you are so peremptory, on your words then  
That he shall sing a Palinodium,  
And recant his ill courses, I assume  
My Love Trimalehio.  Capritio peeps out. Capri. 
Do we take, or are we taken?  Trim. 
Nay, we do take.  Agur. 
Who's that, Capritio? where have you been?  
Come your ways forth, and lay hands on the spoil.  
Go lead away that Lady by the hand.  
Now you may take occasion by the foretop,  
Advance your own predominant the better,  
And march away,  Trim. 
Come, let us to the Church.  Exeunt. Trimalchio, Millescent. Capritio, Margery. Miscel. 
And what must I do now? be laughed at?  Agur. 
Would you  
Hazard yourself, for one that cares not for you?  
You may be glad you 'scaped. Recall yourself.  
Were not you formerly engaged?  Miscel. 
No, never.  Agur. 
Not to mistress Quartilla?  Miscel. 
Faith we have toyed  
In jest sometime.  Agur. 
Let it be now in earnest.  
Make her amends. I know she loves you.  Miscel. 
Well.  
I will have her, and stand up for my portion,  
With the rest of my tribe.    

Actus 5.  

Scena vltima.  Snarle, Philantus. Snarl 
Stay here a little, they are gone to Church,  
And will return in couples. First, Trimalchio,  
That Giant in conceit, thinks he is matched  
To some great heir, but shall embrace a cloud  
In stead of juno. Then her waiting woman,  
Her Iris, reflects upon Capritio,  
And for my piece of fragmentary Courtship,  
My Miscellany Gentleman, 'tis his lot  
To be cast upon Quartilla with Agurtes  
In his old justiceship. All these march together,  
Like the seven deadly sins, and behind them,  
Comes Autolicus, the clerk of the company.  Enter Agurtes like a justice. Trimalchio, Millescent. Miscellanio, Quartilla, Capritio, Margery, Antolicus like a clerk, Antol. 
Look you sir, here they come.  Trim. 
Make room, methinks  
You should not stop the course of justice so.  
My Lord Philantus, you are welcome from  
The Wars, and I from the Church. I wonder  
Who makes the better return, you have got  
Honour, and so have I. But where's your wealth?  
I can embrace five thousand pounds, a year.  
That's nothing with you, I have no more wit,  
Than to be pied by pimps, and marry whores,  
Yet I mean shortly to rank with your honour.  
Here is my warrant, I have promised her,  
To make her a Countess, but that's nothing with you,  
Nay, more than this I can go on, and leave  
Some advancement: behind me. Ecce signum,  Phil. 
'tis well, I am glad of your happiness,  
And much joy to my brother Capritio,  
And his fair spouse.  Capri. 
She is according to  
My heart's desire, sir.  Snarl. 
Well, a word with you,  
Master Trimalchio, and the rest.  Trim. 
What say you?  Snarl. 
You were as good know it at first, as at last.  
You are not the first, that have been deceived.  Trim. 
In what? my wife? I married her for a maid.  
And whether she be one, or no, I care not.  Snarl. 
Nay, should I hear a man that should abuse her  
In that, I would defend her with my sword.  
But she and you must call this man your father.  Trim. 
I so she must, he gave her at the Church.  Snarl 
Nay, her own natural father, flesh and bone,  
I hope she'll not deny it.  Milles. 
No indeed, sir.  
I would not live to be so ungracious.  Agur. 
I must acknowledge thee my child, or I  
Should do thy mother wrong.  Trim. 
I do not think so,  
You'll not make me believe that I took her  
For a lord's daughter, and a great heir. Where are  
Agurtes and the Captain to justify it?  
Is he your father?  Milles. 
He has ever bred me:  
And I have always called him so. I hope  
It is no shame: my parentage is honest.  Trim. 
Well, if he be, 'tis no disparagement,  
To marry a justice's daughter.  Snarl. 
Come, you have  
Been carried hood winked through this business.  
Nor is the day yet clear before you. Mark me;  
I'll open but one leaf in all the book,  
And you shall see the whole discovery.  
Come sir, unease.  Agurtes and Antolicus pull off there disguises. Trim. 
Who have we here? Agurtes  
And the Captain? Was't you that played the justice?  
And you his clerk?  Snarl. 
And I the Constable.  Trim. 
Then you are a knot of knaves for your labour.  
Now I perceive that I am plainly gulled.  Capr. 
I am glad there's no man cheated but himself.  Snarl. 
Your arrow is one of the same quiver too.  Trim. 
I'll none of her by this light.  Agur. 
Why, you may choose.  
And yet I do not well see, how you can choose.  
She is your wife, and you have married her,  
And must allow her means to maintain her.  
You may declare yourself unto the world.  
And be laughed at: but keep your own counsel,  
And who needs know of it?  Phil. 
Believe me sir,  
The Gentlewoman is not to be despised,  
Her wit and virtues are dowry sufficient.  Trim. 
Nay, if you say so, then must I needs love her:  
But by this hand, I thought you would have jeered me.  Phil. 
Hold on your course, march on as you came in,  
And rest content, since fate has thought it fit,  
To make your fortunes equal with your wit.  
FINIS.