PARASITASTER, OR THE fawn, AS IT HATH BEEN DIVERS TIMES PREsented at the black Friars, by the Children of the queen's majesties Revels, and since at Paul's.  
Written BY JOHN MARSTON.  
And now corrected of many faults, which by reason of the author's absence, were let slip in the first edition.  
AT LONDON Printed by T. P. for W. C. 1606.   

To my equal Reader.  
I Have ever more endeavoured to know myself, than to be known of others: and rather to be unpartially beloved of all, than factiously to be admired of a few: yet so powerfully have I been enticed with the delights of Poetry, and (I must ingeniously confess) above better desert so fortunate in these stage-pleasings, that (let my resolutions be never so fixed to call mine eyes into myself,) I much fear that most lamentable death of him, 
Qui nimis notus omnibus,  
Ignotus moritur sibi. 
Seneca    
But since the over-vehement pursuit of these delights hath been the sickness of my youth, and now is grown to be the vice of my firmer age, since to satisfy others, I neglect myself, let it be the courtesy of my peruser, rather to pity my self-hindering labours, than to malice me, and let him be pleased to be my reader, and not my interpreter, since I would fain reserve that office in my own hands, it being my daily prayer, Absit à iocorum nostrorum simplicitate malignus interpres. 
Martial   
If any shall wonder why I print a Comedy, whose life rests much in the actor's voice Let such know, that it cannot avoid publishing: let it therefore stand with good excuse, that I have been my own setter out.  
If any desire to understand the scope of my Comedy, know it hath the same limits, which Juvenal gives to his satires, 
Quicquid agunt homines, votum, timor, ira, voluptas,  
Gaudia, 
Juvenal  discursus, nostri farrago libelli est.   
As for the factious malice, and studied detractions of some few that tread in the same path with me, let all know, I most easily neglect them, and (carelessly slumbering to their vicious endeavours) smile heartily at their self-hurting baseness. My bosom friend good Epictetus makes me easily to contemn all such men's malice: since other men's tongues are not within my teeth, why 〈…〉 let this be printed, that of men of my own addiction, I love most, pity some, hate none: For let me truly say it, I once only loved myself, for loving them, and surely, I shall ever rest so constant to my first affection, that let their ungentle combinings, discourteous whisperings, never so treacherously labour to undermine my unfenced reputation, I shall (as long as I have being) love the least of their graces, and only pity the greatest of their vices.  
And now to kill envy, know you that affect to be the only Minion of Phoebus, I am not so blushlessly ambitious as to hope to gain any the least supreme eminency among you, I affect not only the Euge tuum, & Bellè! 'tis not my fashion to think no writer virtuously confident, that is not swellingly impudent. Nor do I labour to be held the only spirit, whose Poems may be thought worthy to be kept in Cedar chests, 
Heliconidasque Pallidamque Pyrenen  

Perseus.  Illis relinquo quorum imagines lambunt  
Hederae sequaces.—   
He that pursues fame shall for me without any rival have breath enough, I esteem felicity to be a more solid contentment, only let it be lawful for me with unaffected modesty, and full thought to end boldly with that of Perseus. 
— Ipse semipaganus  

Perseus.  Ad sacra vatum carmen affero nostrum.   
Io: Marston.   

REader, know I have perused this copy, to make some satisfaction for the first faulty impression: yet so urgent hath been my business, that some errors have still passed, which thy discretion may amend: Comedies are writ to be spoken, not read: Remember the life of these things consists in action; and for your such courteous survey of my pen, 
Sophonisba.  I will present a Tragedy to you which shall boldly abide the most curious perusal.   

Prologus.  
LEt those once know that herewith malice lurk,  
'tis base to be too wise, in others work.  
The rest, sit thus saluted:  
Spectators know, you may with freest faces  
Behold this Scene, for here no rude disgraces  
Shall taint a public, or a private name,  
This pen at viler rate doth value fame,  
Than at the price of others infamy,  
To purchase it: Let others dare the rope,  
Your modest pleasure is our author's scope.  
The hurdle and the rack to them he leaves,  
That have nought left to be accounted any,  
But by not being: Nor doth he hope to win  
Your louder hand, with that most common sin  
Of vulgar pens, rank bawdry, that smells  
Even thorough your masks, vsque ad nauseam:  
The venus of this Scene doth loathe to wear  
So vile, so common, so immodest clothings,  
But if the nimble form of comedy,  
Mere spectacle of life, and public manners  
May, gracefully arrive to your pleased ears,  
We boldly dare the utmost death of fears  
For we do know that this most fair filled room  
Is Loaden with most Attic judgements, ablest spirits,  
Then whom, there are none more exact, full, strong,  
Yet none more soft, benign in censuring,  
I know there's not one Ass in all this presence,  
Not one Calumnious rascal, or base villain  
Of emptiest merit, that would tax and slander  
If innocency herself should write, not one we know't.  
O you are all the very breath of Phoebus  
In your pleased gracings all the true life blood  
Of our poor author lives, you are his very graces.  
Now if that any wonder why he's drawn  
To such base soothings, know his play's; The Fawn.   

Interlocutores.  
Hercules disguised Faunus, 
Duke of Ferrara.  Gonzago 
Duke of Urbin. a weak Lord of a self admiring wisdom.  Tiberio, 
son to Hercules.  Dulcimel, 
daughter to Gonzago.  Philocalia, 
An honourable learned lady companion to the princess Dulcimel.  Granuffo, 
A silent Lord.  Don Zuccone, 
A causelessly jealous Lord.  Donna Zoya, 
A virtuous, fair witty Lady, his wife.  S. Amoroso debile-dosso, 
A sickly knight.  Donna Garbetza, 
his Lady.  Herod Frappatore, 
brother to Sir Amoroso and a vicious braggart.  Nimphadoro, 
A young courtier, & a common lover.  Dondolo, 
A bald fool.  Renaldo, 
brother to Hercules.  Poveia 
Two ladies attendants on Dulcimel.  Donnetta, 
Two ladies attendants on Dulcimel.  Puttotta, 
A poor laundress of the court that washeth and diets footmen.    

The Fawn.  

ACTVS PRIMI  

SCENA PRIMA.  Enter Hercules and Renaldo. 
Dat veniam Corvis censura 〈◊〉.  Hercules. 
SEe yonder's Urbin those far appearing Spires, rise from the City, you shall conduct me no further, return to Ferrara, my Dukedom by your care in my absence shall rest constantly united, and most religiously loyal.  Renald. 
My Prince and brother, let my blood and love challenge the freedom of one question.  Her: 
You have't.  Renal. 
Why? in your steadier age in strength of life,  
And firmest wit of time, will you break forth  
Those stricter Limits of regardful state  
(Which with severe distinction you still kept)  
And now to unknown dangers you'll give up  
yourself Ferrara's Duke, and in yourself  
The state; and us. Oh my loved brother,  
"Honour avoids not only just defame:  
" But flies all means that may ill voice his name.  Her: 
Busy yourself with no fears, for I shall rest most wary of our safety, only some glimpses I will give you for your satisfaction why I leave Ferrara, I have vowed to visit the Court of Urbin in some disguise, as thus: my son as you can well witness with me, could I never persuade to marriage, although myself was then, an ever resolved Widower, and though I proposed to him this very Lady, to whom he is gone in my right to negotiate: now how cooler blood will behave itself in this business, would I have an only testimony, other contents shall I give myself; as not to take love by attorney, or make my election out of tongues, other sufficings there are which my regard would fain make sound to me: something of much you know, that and what else you must not know, bids you excuse this kind of my departure.  Re: 
I commend all to your wisdom, and yours to the wisest.  Her: 
Think not but I shall approve that more than folly which even now appears in a most ridiculous expectation: be in this assured. "The bottom of gravity is nothing like the top, once more fare you well. Exit. Ren.  
And now thou Ceremonious sovereignty  
Ye proud severer stateful Compliments  
The secret arts of Rule, I put you off;  
Nor ever shall those manacles of form  
Once more lock up the appetite of blood.  
'tis now an age of man, whilst we all strict  
Have lived in awe of carriage regular  
Apted unto my place, not hath my life  
Once tasted of exorbitant affects  
Wild Longings, or the Least of disranct shapes.  
But we must once be wild, 'tis ancient truth  
O fortunate, whose madness falls in youth!  
Well, this is text, whoever keeps his place  
In servile station, is all low and base.  
Shall I because some few may cry, Light, vain,  
Beat down affection from desired rule,  
He that doth strive to please the world's a fool  
To have that fellow cry. O mark him, grave,  
See how austerely he doth give example,  
Of repressed heat and steady life  
Whilst my forced life against the stream of blood  
Is tugged along, and all to keep the God  
Of fools and women: Nice opinion:  
Whose strict preserving makes oft great men fools  
And fools oft great men: no thou world know thus  
"there's nothing free but it is generous.  Exit.  

SCENA secunda.  Enter Ninphadoro and Herod. Her: 
How now my little more than nothing, what news is stirring?  Pag: 
All the city's afire.  Nym: 
On fire?  Pag: 
With joy of the Prince Dulcimel's birth day, there's show upon show, sport upon sport.  Hero: 
What sport, what sport?  Pag: 
Marry sir to solemnize the PRINCE's birthday, there's first Crackers which run into the air, and when they are at the top, like some ambitious strange heretic, keep a cracking, & a cracking, and then break, and down they come.  Hero: 
A pretty crab, he would yield tart juice and he were squeezed.  Nym: 
What sport else?  Pag: 
Other fireworks.  Hero: 
Spirit of wine, I cannot tell how these fireworks should be good at the solemnizing the birth of men or women, I am sure they are dangerous at their begetting, what more fireworks sir?  Pag: 
There be squibs sir, which squibs running upon lines like some of our gaudy Gallants sir, keep a smoother sir, with flishing and flashing, and in the end sir, they do sir  Nym: 
What sir?  Pag: 
Stink sir.  Hero: 
Fore heaven, a most sweet youth.  Enter Dondolo. Don: 
News, news, news, news.  Hero: 
What, in the name of prophesy?  Nym: 
Art thou grown wise?  Hero: 
Doth the Duke want no money?  Nym: 
Is there a maid found at 24?  Hero: 
Speak, thou three legged Tripos, is thy ship of Fools a float yet?  Don: 
I ha' many things in my head to tell you.  Her: 
ay, thy head is always working, it rolls, and it rolls Dondolo, but it gathers no most Dondolo.  Don: 
Tiberio the Duke of Ferrara's son excellently horsed, all upon Flanders Mares, is arrived at the Court this very day, somewhat late in the night time.  Hero: 
An excellent nuntius.  Don: 
Why my Gallants, I have had a good wit.  Hero: 
Yes troth, but now 'tis grown like an almanac for the last year, past date, the mark's out of thy mouth Dondolo.  Nym: 
And what's the PRINCE's embassage? thou art private with the Duke, thou belongest to his close stool.  Don: 
Why? every fool knows that, I know it myself man as well as the best man, he is come to solicit a marriage betwixt his Father the Duke of Ferrara's, and our Duke of Urbin's daughter Dulcimel.  Nympha: 
pity of my passions, Nymphadoro shall lose one of his mistresses.  Her: 
Nay, if thou hast more than one, the loss can near be grievous since 'tis certain he that loves many formally, never loves any violently.  Nym: 
Most trusted Frappatore, is my hand the weaker because it is divided into many fingers? no, 'tis the more strongly nimble. I do now love threescore and nine Ladies all of them most extremely well, but I do love the Princes most extremely best: but in very sighing sadness, I ha' lost all hope, and with that hope a Lady, that is most rare, most fair, most wise, most sweet, most  Her: 
Any thing true but remember still this fair, this wise, this sweet, this all of excellency has in the tail of all, a Woman.  Nym: 
Peace, the presence fills against the Prince approacheth: Mark who enters?  Her: 
My Brother, sir Amoroso-debilidosso.  Nym: 
Not he.  Her: 
No, not he?  Nym: 
How is he changed?  Her: 
Why, grown the very dregs of the drabs cup.  Nym: 
O Babylon thy walls are fallen; Is he married?  Her: 
Yes, yet still the Ladies common, or the common lady's servant.  Nym: 
How does his own Lady bear with him?  Her: 
Faith like the Roman Milo, bore with him when he was a Calf, and now carries him when he's grown an Ox.  Nym: 
Peace the duke's at hand.  Cornets. Enter Granuffo, Gonzago, Dulcimell, Philocalia, Leia. Gon: 
Daughter, for that our last speech leaves the firmest print, be thus advised; when young Tiberio negotiates his father's love, hold heedy guard over thy passions & still keep this full thought firm in thy reason, 'tis his old Father's love the young man moves, (is't not well thought my Lord, we must bear brain,) and when thou shalt behold, Tiberio's life-full eyes and well filled veins, complexion firm, and hairs that curls with strength of lusty moisture, (I think we yet can speak, we ha' been eloquent) thou must shape thy thoughts to apprehend his father well in years,  
A grave wise Prince, whose beauty is his honour,  
And well past life, and do not give thy thoughts  
lest liberty to shape a divers scope,  
(My Lord Granuffo: pray ye note my phrase.)  
So shalt thou not abuse thy younger hope.  
Nor afflict us, who only joy in life,  
To see thee his.  Dul: 
Gracious my father fear not, I rest most duteous to your dispose. Consort of Music.  Gon: 
Set on then, for the Music gives us notice the Prince is hard at hand.  Tiberio with his train with Hercules disguised. Dul: 
You are most welcome to our long desiring Father, to us you are come.—  Tib: 
From our long desiring Father.  Dul: 
Is this your father's true proportion? Shows a picture.  Tib: 
No Lady, but the perfect counterfeit.  Dul: 
And the best graced.  Tib: 
The painter's Art could yield.  Dul: 
I wonder he would send a counterfeit to move our love,  Gon. 
Hear, that's my wit, when I was 18. old such a pretty joying wit had I, but age hath made us wise (hast not my Lord?)  Tib: 
Why fairest Princes, if your eye dislike that deader piece, behold me his true form and livelier image, such my Father hath been.  Dul: 
My Lord, please you to scent this flower.  Tib: 
'tis withered Lady, the flowers scent is gone.  Dul: 
This hath been such as you are, hath been sir; they say in England, that a far famed Friar had girt the Island round with a brass wall, if that they could have catched, Time is, but Time is past, left it hill clipped with aged Neptune's arm.  Tib: 
Aurora yet keeps chaste old Titheus' bed.  Dul: 
Yet blushes at it when she rises.  Gon: 
Pretty, pretty, just like my younger wit: you know it my Lord.  Dul: 
But is your Father's age thus fresh, hath yet his head so many hairs?  Tib: 
More, more, by many a one.  Dul: 
More say you?  Tib: 
More.  Dul: 
Right sir, for this hath none, is his eye so quick as this same piece makes him show?  Tib: 
The courtesy of Art hath given more life to that part, than the sad cares of state would grant my father.  Dul: 
This model speaks above forty.  Tib: 
Then doth it somewhat flatter, for our father hath seen more years, and is a little shrunk from the full strength of time.  Gon: 
Somewhat coldly praised.  Dul: 
Your father hath a fair Solicitor,  
And be it spoke with virgin modesty,  
I would he were no elder, not that I do fly  
His side for years, or other hopes of youth,  
But in regard the malice of lewd tongues  
Quick to deprave on possibilities,  
(Almost impossibilities) will spread Dulcimel & Tiberio confer privately.  
rumours, to honour dangerous.  Gon: 
What? whisper? ay, my Lord Granuffo 'twere fit  
To part their lips: men of discerning wit  
That have read pliny can discourse, or so,  
But give me practise: well experienced age  
Is the true Delphos. I am no Oracle  
But yet I'll prophesy: well my Lord Granuffo,  
'tis fit to interrupt their privacy,  
Is't not my Lord? now sure thou art a man  
Of a most learned silence, and one whose words  
Have been most precious to me, right, I know thy heart,  
'tis true, thy legs discourse with right and grace,  
And thy tongue is constant. Fair my Lord,  
Forbear all all private closer conference,  
What from your father comes, comes openly,  
And so must speak: for you must know my age  
Hath seen the beings and the quide of things,  
I know Dimensions and the termini  
Of all existens: Sir I know what shapes  
Appetite forms; but policy and states  
Have more elected ends: your father's suit  
Is with all public grace received, and private love  
Embraced, as for our daughters bent of mind  
She must seem somewhat nice, 'tis virgin's kind  
To hold long Out, if yet she chance deny,  
Ascribe it to her decent modesty:  
we have been a philosopher and spoke  
With much applause; but now age makes us wise,  
And draws our eyes to search the heart of things,  
And leave vain seemings, therefore you must know,  
I would be loath the gaudy shape of youth  
Should one provoke, and not allowed of heat  
Or hinder, or— for sir I know, and so,  
Therefore before us time and place affords  
Free speech, else not: wise heads use but few words  
In short breath, know the Court of Urbin holds  
Your presence and your embassage so dear,  
That we want means once to oppress our heart  
But with our heart: plain meaning shuneth art,  
You are most welcome (Lord Granuff a trick,  
A figure, note) we use no Rhetoric. Exit Gon:  Remanent Hercules, Nymphad: & Herod. Hero: 
Did not Tiberio call his father fool?  Nym: 
No, he said years had weakened his youthful quickness.  Hero. 
He swore he was bald.  Nym: 
No; but not thick haired.  Her: 
By this light, I'll swear he said his father had the hipgout, the strangury, the fistula in ano, and a most unabidable breath, no teeth, less eyes, great fingers, little legs, an eternal flux, and an everlasting cough of the lungs.  Nym: 
Fie, fie, by this light he did not.  Hero: 
By this light he should ha' done then: home on him, three score ann five, to have and to hold, a Lady of fifteen. O Mezentius a tyranny equal if not above thy torturing; thou didst bind the living and the dead bodies together, and forced them so to pine and rot, but this cruelty, binds breast to breast, not only different bodies, but if it were possible most unequal minds together, with an enforcement even scandalous to Nature. Now the jail deliver me, an intelligencer, be good to me ye Cloisters of bondage, of whence art thou?  Her: 
Of Ferrara.  Hero: 
A Ferrares what to me, camest thou in with the Prince Tiberio?  Her: 
With the Prince Tiberio, what to that, you will not rail at me will you?  Hero: 
Who I? I rail at one of Ferrara, a Ferazes, Noah? didst thou ride?  Her: 
No.  Hero: 
Hast thou worn socks?  Her: 
No.  Her: 
Then blessed be the most happy gravel betwixt thy toes I do prophesy thy tyrannizing itch shall be honourable, and thy right worshipful, Love shall appear in full presence; art thou an officer to the Prince?  Her: 
I am, what a that?  Hero: 
My cap, what officer?  Her: 
Yeoman of his bottles, what to that?  Hero: 
My lip, thy name good yeoman of the bottles?  Her. 
Fawnus.  Nym: 
Fawnus? an old Courtier, I wonder thou art in no better clothes and place Fawnus?  Her: 
I may be in better place sir, and with you of more regard if this match of our Duke's intermarriage with the heir of Urbin proceed, the Duke of Urbin dying, and our Lord coming in his lady's right of title to your dukedom.  Hero: 
Why then shalt thou oh yeoman of the bottles become a maker of magnificoes, thou shalt beg some odd suit, and change thy old shirt, pare thy beard, cleanse thy teeth, and eat Apricots, marry a rich widow, or a cracked Lady, whose case thou shalt make good. Then my Pythagoras shall thou and I make a transmigration of souls, thou shalt marry my daughter, or my wife shall be thy gracious mistress. seventeen punks shall be thy proportion. Thou shalt beg to thy comfort of clean linen, eat no more fresh beef at supper, or save the broth for next days porridge, but the flesh pots of Egypt shall fatten thee, and the grasshopper shall flourish in thy summer.  Nym: 
And what dost thou think of the Duke's overture of marriage?  Hero: 
What do you think?  Her: 
May I speak boldly as at Alleppo?  Nym: 
Speak till thy lungs ache, talk out thy teeth, here are none of those cankers, these mischiefs of society, intelligencers, or informers, that will cast rumor into the teeth of some Lalius Baldus, a man cruelly eloquent and bloodily learned, no, what sayest thou Fawnus?  Her: 
With an undoubted breast thus, I may speak boldly,  Hero: 
By this night i'll speak broadly first and thou wilt man, our Duke of Urbin is a man very happily mad, for he thinks himself right perfectly wise, and most demonstratively learned; nay more.  Her: 
No more, I'll on, methinks the young Lord our Prince of Ferrara so bounteously adorned with all, of grace, feature and best shaped proportion, fair use of speech, full opportunity, & that which makes the sympathy of all equality, of heat, of years, of blood, methinks these Loadstones should attract the metal of the young Princes rather to the son than to the noisome, cold, and most weak side of his half rotten father.  Her: 
thou'rt ours, thou'rt ours now dare we speak as boldly as if Adam had not fallen, and made us all slaves, hark ye, the Duke is an arrant doting Ass, an Ass, and in the knowledge of my very sense, will turn a foolish animal, for his son will prove like one of Balls priests, have all the flesh presented to the Idol his father, but he in the night will feed on't, will devour it, he will yeoman of the bottles, he will.  Her. 
Now gentlemen, I am sure the lust of speech hath equally drenched us all, know I am no servant to this Prince Tiberio.  Hero: 
Not?  Her: 
Not, but one to him out of some private urging most vowed, one that pursues him but for opportunity of safe satisfaction, now if ye can prefer my service to him, I shall rest yours wholly.  Hero: 
just in the devils mouth, thou shalt have place, Fawns thou shalt, behold this generous Nymphadoro a gallant of a clean boot, straight back, and beard of a most hopeful expectation, he is a servant of fair Dulcimel's her very creature borne to the PRINCE's sole adoration, a man so spent in time to her, that piety (if no more of grace) must follow him when we have gained the room, second his suit Hercules. I'll be your intelligencer.  Her: 
Our very heart, and if need be work to most desperate ends.  Hero. 
Well urged.  Her: 
Words fit acquaintance, but full actions friends.  Nym: 
Thou shalt not want Fawnus.  Her: 
You promise well.  Hero: 
Be thou but firm, that old doting iniquity of age, that only eyed lecherous Duke thy Lord shall be baffled to extremest derision, his son prove his fool father's own issue.  Nym: 
And we, and thou with us blessed and enriched past all misery of possible contempt, and above the hopes of greatest conjectures.  Her: 
Nay as for wealth vilia miretur vulgus. I know by his physiognomy, for wealth he is of my addiction, & bids a fico for't.  Nym: 
Why thou art but a younger brother, but poor Baldazozo.  Hero: 
Faith to speak truth, my means are written in the book of fare, as yet unknown, and yet I am at my fool, and my hunting gelding, come, Viah, to this feastful entertainment.  Exeunt. rema. Hercu: Her: 
I never knew till now, how old I was,  
By him by whom we are, I think a Prince  
Whose tender sufferance never felt a gust  
Of boulder breathings, but still lived gently fanned  
With the soft gales of his own flatterers lips  
Shall never know his own complexion.  
Dear sleep and lust I thank you, but for you,  
Mortal till now, I scarce had known myself  
Thou grateful poison, sleek mischief Flattery  
Thou dreamful slumber (that doth fall on kings  
As soft and soon as their first holy oil,)  
Be thou for ever damned, I now repent  
Severe indictions to some sharp styles,  
Freeness, so't grow not to licentiousness  
Is grateful to just states. Most spotless kingdom,  
And men oh happy borne under good stars.  
Where what is honest, you may freely think,  
Speak what you think, and write what you do speak,  
Not bound to servile soothings. But since our rank  
Hath ever been afflicted with these flies  
(That blow corruption on the sweetest virtues)  
I will revenge us all upon you all  
With the same stratagem, we still are caught,  
Flattery itself, and sure all knows the sharpness  
Of reprehensive language is even blunted  
To full contempt, since vice is now termed fashion  
And most are grown to ill even with defence,  
I vow to waste this most prodigious heat  
That falls into my age, like scorching flames  
In depth of numbed December, in flattering all  
In all of their extremest viciousness,  
Till in their own loved race they fall most lame,  
And meet full butt, the close of Vice's shame. Exit.    

ACTVS SECVNDVS  

SCENA PRIMA.  Herod and Nymphadoro with napkins in their hands, followed by Pages with stools and meat. Her: 
Come Sir, a stool boy, these Court Feasts are to us Servitors Court Fasts, such scambling, such shift for to eat, and where to eat, here a Squire of low degree hath got the carcase of a Plover, there Pages of the Chamber divide the spoils of a tattered Pheasant, here the Sewer has friended a Country Gentleman with a sweet green goose, and there a young fellow that late has bought his office, has caught a Woodcock by the nose, with cups full ever flowing.  Nym. 
But is not Faunus preferred with a right hand?  Her: 
Did you ever see a fellow so spurted up in a moment, he has got the right ear of the Duke, the Prince, Princess, most of the Lords, but all the Ladies, why he is become their only Minion, Usher, and Supporter.  Nym. 
He hath gotten more loved reputation of virtue, of learning, of all graces, in one hour, than all your snarling reformers have in—  Her: 
Nay, that's unquestionable, and indeed what a fruitless labour, what a filling of Danae's tub, is it become to inveigh against folly, community takes away the sense, and example the shame: no, praise me these fellows, hang on their chariot wheel,  
And mount with them whom fortune heaves, nay drives:  
A stoical sour virtue seldom thrives.  
Oppose such fortune, and then burst with those are pitied.  
The hill of Chance is paved with poor men's bones,  
And bulks of luckless souls, over whose eyes,  
Their chariot wheels must ruthless grate, that rise.  Enter Hercules freshly suited. Nym: 
Behold that thing of most fortunate, most prosperous, impudence, Don Fanus himself.  Her: 
Blessed and long lasting be thy carnation ribbon; O man of more than wit, much more than virtue, of fortune! Fawnus wilt eat any of a young spring salad?  He: 
where did the herbs grow my gallant, where did they grow?  Hero: 
Hard by in the City here.  Her: 
No, I'll none, I'll eat no City herbs, no City roots, for here in the City a man shall have his excrements in his teeth again within four and twenty hours, I love no City fallets: hast any Canary?  Nym: 
How the poor snake wriggles with this sudden warmth.  Herod drinks. Hero: 
Here Fawnus a health as deep as a female.  Her: 
Fore jove, we must be more endeared.  Nym: 
How dost thou feel thyself now Fawn?  Her: 
Very womanly with my fingers, I protest I think I shall love you, are you married? I am truly taken with your virtues, are you married?  Hero: 
Yes.  Her: 
Why I like you well for it.  Hero: 
No troth Fawn, I am not married.  Her: 
Why I like you better for it; fore heaven I must love you;  Hero: 
Why Fawn, why?  Her: 
Fore-heaven you are blessed with three rare graces, fine linen, clean linings, a sanguine complexion, and I am sure, an excellent wit, for you are a gentleman borne.  Hero: 
Thank thee sweet Fawn, but why is clean linen such a grace, I prithee.  Her: 
Oh my excellent, and inward dearly approved friend,— What's your name sir? clean linen is the first our life craves, and the last our death enjoys.  Hero: 
But what hope rests for Nymphadora, thou art now within the buttons of the Prince: shall the Duke his Father marry she Lady?  Her: 
'tis to be hoped, not.  Nym: 
That's some relief as long as there's hope.  Her: 
But sure sir 'tis almost undoubted the Lady will carry him.  Nym: 
O pestilent air, is there no plot so cunning, no surmise so false, no way of avoidance?  Her: 
Hast thou any pity, either of his passion, or the lady's years, a Gentleman in the summer & hunting season of her youth, the Lady met in the same warmth, were't not to be wept that such a sapless chafingdish using old dotard as the Duke of Ferrara with his withered hand, should pluck such a bud, such a: Oh the life of sense!  Nym: 
Thou art now a perfect Courtier of just fashion, good grace, canst not relieve us?  Her: 
ha' ye any money?  Nym: 
Pish Fawn, we are young Gallants.  Her: 
The liker to have no money. But my young Gallants to speak like myself, I must hug your humour. Why look you there is fate, destiny, constellations, and Planets, (which though they are under nature, yet they are above women,) who hath read the book of chance? no, cherish your hope, sweeten your imaginations, with thoughts of, ah why women are the most giddy, uncertain motions under heaven, 'tis neither proportion of body, virtue of mind, amplitude of fortune, greatness of blood, but only mere chanceful appetite sways them: which makes some one like a man, be it but for the paring of his nails, viah, as for inequality, art not a gentleman?  Nym: 
That I am, and my beneficence shall show it.  Her: 
I know you are, by the only word beneficence, which only speaks of the future tense (shall know it,) but may I breathe in your bosoms; I only fear Tiberio will abuse your father's trust, and so make your hopes desperate.  Nym: 
How? the Prince? would he only stood cross to my wishes, he should find me an Italian.  Her: 
How, an Italian:  Hero: 
By thy aid an Italian, dear Fawnus, thou art now wriggled into the PRINCE's bosom, and thy sweet hand should Minister that Nectar to him, should make him immortal; Nymphadoro in direct phrase, thou shouldst murder the Prince, so revenge thine own wrongs, and be rewarded for that revenge.  Her: 
Afore the light of my eyes, I think I shall admire, wonder at you. What? ha' ye plots, projects, correspondences, and stratagems: why are not you in better place?  Enter sir Amoroso. 
Who's this Herod my eldest Brother sir Amoroso Debilidoso?  Her: 
Oh I know him, God bless thine eyes sweet sir Amoroso, a rous, a vin de monte, to the health of thy Chine my dear sweet signior.  Her: 
Oh no sir, he takes the diet this spring always, boy my brother's bottle.  Sir Amor, 
Faith Fawn, an odd unwholesome cold, makes me still hoarse and rheumatic.  Hero: 
Yes in troth a paltry murr, last morning he blew nine bones out of his nose with an odd unwholesome murr: how does my sister your Lady, what does she breed?  Her: 
I perceive Knight you have children, oh 'tis a blessed assurance of heavens favour, and long lasting name to have many children.  Sir Amor: 
But I ha' none, Fawn, now;  Her: 
O that's most excellent, a right special happiness, he shall not be a Drudge to his cradle, a slave to his child, he shall be sure not to cherish another's blood, nor toil to advance peradventure some rascal's lust; without children a man is unclogged, his wife almost a Maid: Messalina, thou cried'st out, O blessed barrenness, why once with child the very Venus of a Lady's entertainment hath lost all pleasure.  Sir Amor: 
By this ring Fawnus I do hug thee with most passionate affection, and shall make my wife thank thee.  Her: 
Nay my Brother grudgeth not at my probable inheritance, he means once to give a younger brother hope to see fortune.  Nym: 
And yet I hear sir Amorosus, you cherish your loins with high art, the only engrosser of Eringoes, prepared Cantharides, cullises made of dissolved Pearl, and bruised Amber, the pith of porkets and candied lambstones are his perpetual meats, Beds made of the down under pigeons wings and Goose-necks, fomentations, baths, electuaries, frictions, and all the nurses of most forcible excited concupiscence he useth with most nice and tender industry.  Her: 
Pish Zuccoli, no Nymphadoro, if sir Amorous would ha' children, let him lie on a mattress, plow or thrash, eat onions, garlic, and leek porridge, Pharaoh and his council were mistaken, and their devise to hinder the increase of procreation in the Israelites, with enforcing them too much labour of body, and to feed hard, with beets, garlic, and onions, (meat that make the original of man most sharp, and taking) was absurd. No he should have given barley bread, lettuce, melons, cucumbers, huge store of veal, and fresh beef, blown up their flesh, held them from excercise, rolled them in feathers, & most surely seen them drunk once a day, then would they at their best have begotten but wenches, and in short time their generation enfeebled to nothing.  Sir Am: 
Oh divine Fawnus, where might a man take up forty pound in a commodity of garlic, and onions? Nymphadoro thine ear.  Her: 
Come what are you fleering at? there's some weakness in your brother you wrinkle at thus, come prithee impart, what we are mutually incorporated, turned one into another, bived together, come I believe you are familiar with your sister, and it were known.  Hero: 
Witch, Fawnus' witch, why how dost dream I live? be't four score a year thinkst thou maintains my geldings, my pages, foot-cloths, my best feeding, high play, and excellent company? no 'tis from hence, from hence, I mint some four hundred pound a year.  Her: 
Dost thou live like a porter by the back boy?  Hero. 
As for my weak rained brother hang him, he has sore shins, damn him Heteroclite, his brain's perished, his youth spent his fodder so fast on others' Cattle, that he now wants for his own winter, I am feign to supply Fawn, for which I am supplied.  Her: 
Dost thou branch him boy?  Hero: 
What else Fawn.  Her: 
What else? nay 'tis enough, why many men corrupt other men's wives, some their maids, others their neighbours daughters, but to lie with ones brother's wedlock, O my dear Herod his vile and uncommon lust.  Hero: 
Fore heaven I love thee to the heart, well I may praise God for my brother's weakness, for I assure thee, the land shall descend to me my little Fawn.  Her: 
To thee my little Herod? oh my rare Rascal, I do find more and more in thee to wonder at, for thou art indeed; if I prosper thou shalt know what. whose's this? Enter Don. Zucc.  Hero. 
What? know you not Don Zuccone the only desperately railing Lord at's Lady that ever was confidently melancholy, that egregious idiot, that husband of the most witty, fair (and be it spoken with many men's true grief) most chaste Lady Zoya, but we have entered into a confederacy of afflicting him.  Her: 
Plots ha' you laid? Inductions, dangerous?  Nym: 
A quiet bosom to my sweet Don, are you going to visit your Lady.  Zuc. 
What o'clock be't, is it past three?  Hero: 
Past four I assure you sweet Don.  Zuc. 
Oh then I may be admitted, her afternoon's private nap is taken, I shall take her napping. I hear there's one jealous that I lie with my own wife, and begins to withdraw his hand: I protest I vow, and you will, on my knees, I'll take my sacrament on it, I lay not with her this four year, this four year; lee her not be turned upon me I beseech you.  Her: 
My dear Don?  Zuc. 
Oh Faunus dost know our Lady?  Her: 
Your Lady?  Zuc. 
No our Lady, for the love of charity incorporate with her, I would have all nations and degrees, all ages know our Lady for I covet only to be undoubtedly notorious.  Her: 
For in deed sir, a repressed fame mounts like camomile, the more trod down, the more it grows, things known common and undoubted, lose rumour.  Nym: 
Sir I hope yet your conjectures may err; your Lady keeps full-face, unbated roundness, cheerful aspect, were she so infamously prostitute, her cheek would fall, her colour fade, the spirit of her eye would die.  Zuc. 
Oh young man, such women are like Danaus' tub, and in deed all women are like Achillous, with whom Hercules wrestling, he was no sooner hurled to the earth, but he rose up with double vigour, their fall strengtheneth them. Exit Dondolo.  Don: 
News, news, news, news, oh my dear Don be raised, be Jovialed, be triumphant, ah my dear Don.  Nym: 
To me first in private, thy news I pray thee.  Don: 
Will you be secret?  Nym: 
A my life:  Don: 
As you are generous?  Nym: 
As I am generous:  Don: 
Don Zuccone's lady's with child.  Her: 
Nymph: Nymph: what is't? what's the news?  Nym: 
You will be secret.  Hero. 
Silence itself,  Nym: 
Don Zuccone's lady's with child apparently.  Her: 
Herod, Herod, what's the matter pree, the news?  Hero: 
You must tell nobody:  Her: 
As I am generous—  Hero: 
Don Zuccone's lady's with child apparently.  Zuc. 
Faun what's the whisper, what's the fools secret news?  Her: 
Truth my Lord, a thing, that, that, well, i'faith it is not fit you know it?  Zuc. 
Not fit I know it, as thou art baptized tell me, tell me.  Her: 
Will you plight your patience to it.  Zuc. 
Speak, I am a very block, I will not be moved, I am a very block.  Her: 
But if you should grow disquiet (as I protest, it would make a Saint blaspheme) I should be unwilling to procure your impatience.  Zuc. 
Yes do, burst me, burst me, burst me with longing:  Her: 
Nay faith 'tis no great matter, hark ye, you'll tell nobody.  Zuc. 
Not.  Her: 
As you are noble.  Zuc. 
As I am honest.  Her: 
Your Lady wife apparently with child.  Zuc. 
With child?  Her: 
With child.  Zuc. 
Fool.  Her: 
My Don.  Zuc. 
With child? by the pleasure of generation, I proclaim I lay not with her this— give us patience, give us patience.  Her: 
Why? my Lord 'tis nothing to wear a forker.  Zuc. 
Heaven and earth.  Her: 
All things under the Moon are subject to their mistress grace; horns, lend me your ring my Don, I'll put it on my finger, now 'tis on yours again, why is the gold now ere the worse in lustre or fitness?  Zucc: 
Am I used thus?  Her: 
I my Lord true, nay to be (look ye mark ye) to be used like a dead ox, to have your own hide plucked on, to be drawn on, with your own horn, to have the Lordship of your father, the honour of your ancestors, maugre your beard, to descend to the base lust of some groom of your stable, or the page of your chamber.  Zucc: 
Oh Phalaris thy Bull.  Sir Am: 
Good Don. ha patience, you are not the only Cuckold, I would now be separated.  Zucc: 
'Las that's but the least drop of the storm of my revenge, I will unlegitimate the issue, what I will do, shall be horrible but to think.  Her: 
But Sir.  Zucc: 
But Sir? I will do what a man of my form may do, and laugh on, laugh on, do Sir Amorous, you have a Lady too.  Hero: 
But my sweet Lord.  Zucc: 
Do not anger me, lest I most dreadfully curse thee, and wish thee married, oh Zuccone, spit white, spit thy gall out, the only boon I crave of heaven is— but to have my honours inherited by a bastard, I will be most tyrannous, bloodily tyrannous in my revenge, and most terrible in my curses: live to grow blind with lust, senseless with use, loathed after, flattered before, hated always, trusted never, abhorred ever, and last may she live to wear a foul smock seven weeks together; heaven I beseech thee.  Exit. Zoya; 
Is he gone: is he blown of? now out upon him unsufferably jealous fool.  Enter Zoya and Povea. Don: 
Lady:  Zoya: 
Didst thou give him the famed report? does he believe I am with child? does he give faith?  Don: 
In most sincerity, most sincerely.  Her: 
Nay 'tis a pure fool, I can tell ye he was bred up in Germany.  Nym: 
But the laughter rises, that he vows he lay not in your bed this four year with such exquisite protestations.  Zoya. 
That's most full truth, he hath most unjustly severed his sheets ever since the old Duke Pietro (heaven rest his soul.)  Don. 
Fie, you may not pray for the dead, 'tis indifferent to them what you say.  Nym: 
Well said fool.  Zoya. 
Ever since the old Duke Pietro, the great Devil of hell torture his soul.  Don: 
O Lady yet charity.  Zoya. 
Why? 'tis indifferent to them what you say fool, but does my Lord ravel out, does he fret? for pity of an afflicted Lady load him soundly, let him not go clear from vexation, he has the most dishonourably, with the most sinful, most vicious obstinacy, persevered to wrong me that were I not of a male constitution, 'twere impossible for me to survive it, but in madness name, let him on, I ha' not the weak fence of some of your soft-eyed whimpering Ladies, who, if they were used like me, would gall their fingers with wringing their hands, look like bleeding Lucreces, and shed salt water enough to powder all the beef in the Duke's larder. No, I am resolute Donna Zoya; ha; that wives were of my metal, I would make these ridiculously jealous fools, howl like a starved dog, before he got a bit, I was created to be the affliction of such an unsanctified member, and will boil him in his own syrup.  Enter Zuccone listening. Herc. 
Peace the wolves ear takes the wind of us.  Hero: 
The enemy is in ambush.  Zoya. 
If any man ha' the wit, now let him talk wanton, but not bawdily; come Gallants who'll be my servants: I am now very open hearted, and full of entertainment.  Herc. 
Grace me too call you mistress.  Nym: 
Or me.  Her. 
Or me.  Sir Am. 
Or me.  Zoya. 
Or all, I am taken with you all, with you all.  Herc. 
As indeed, why should any woman only love any one man, since it is reasonable, women should affect all perfection, but all perfection never rests in one man; many men have many virtues, but Ladies should love many virtues, therefore Ladies should love many men; for as in women, so in men, some woman hath only a good eye, one can discourse beautifully, if she do not laugh, one's well favoured to her nose, another hath only a good brow, other a plump lip, a third only holds beauty to the teeth, and there the soil altars, some peradventure hold good to the breast, and then downward turn like the dreamt of Image, whose head was gold, breast silver, thighs iron, and all beneath clay and earth, one only winks eloquently, another only kisses well, other only talks well, a fourth only lies well: So in men, one Gallant has only a good face, another has only a grave methodical beard, and is a notable wise fellow, until he speaks, a third only makes water well, and that's a good provoking quality, one only swears well, another only speaks well, a third only does well, all in their kind good, goodness is to be affected, therefore they, it is a base thing and indeed an impossible for a worthy mind to be contented with the whole world, but most vile and abject to be satisfied with one point of the world.  Zoya. 
Excellent Faunus I kiss thee for this, by this hand.  Sir Am. 
I thought as well, kiss me to dear mistress.  Zoya. 
No, good sir Amorous, your teeth hath taken rust, your breath wants airing, and indeed I love sound kissing. Come Gallants, who'll run a coranto, or leap a Levalto.  He: 
Take heed Lady from offending or bruising the hope of your womb.  Zoya. 
No matter, now I ha' the sleight, or rather the fashion of it, I fear no barrenness.  Herc. 
O, but you know not your husband's aptness.  Zoya. 
Husband? husband? as if women could have no children without husbands.  Nym: 
ay, but then they will not be so like your husband.  Zoya. 
No matter, they'll be like their father, 'tis honour enough to my husband, that they vouchsafe to call him father, and that his land shall descend to them (does he not gnash his very teeth in anguish) like our husband? I had rather they were ungroaned for, like our husband? prove such a melancholy jealous ass as he is: does he not stamp?  Nym: 
But troth, your husband has a good face.  Zoya. 
Faith good enough face for a husband, come gallants I'll dance to mine own whistle, I am as light now as: ah, She sings and dances .a kiss to you, to my sweet free servants dream on me, and adieu. Exit Zoya.  Zuccone discovers himself. Zucc: 
I shall lose my wits.  Herc. 
Be comforted dear Don, you ha' none to lose:  Zucc: 
My wife is grown like a Dutch-crest always rampant, rampant, 'fore I will endure this affliction, I will live by raking cockles out of kennels, nay, I will run my Country, forsake my religion, go weave Fustians, or roll the wheelbarrow at Rotterdam.  Herc. 
I would be divorced despite her friends, or the oath of her Chambermaid.  Zucc: 
Nay, I will be divorced in despite of 'em all, I'll go to law with her.  Herc. 
That's excellent, nay, I would go to law.  Zucc: 
Nay, I will go to law.  Herc. 
Why that's sport alone, what though it be most exacting, wherefore is money?  Zucc: 
True, wherefore is money?  Herc. 
What though you shall pay for every quill, each drop of Ink, each minim, letter, tittle, comma, prick, each breath, nay, not only for thine own Orators prating, but for some other orator's silence, though thou must buy silence with a full hand, 'tis well known Demosthenes took above 2000. pound once only to hold his peace, though thou a man of noble gentry, yet you must weight, and besiege his study door, which will prove more hard to be entered, than old Troy, for that was gotten into by a wooden horse, but the entrance of this may chance cost thee a whole stock of Cattle, Oues & boves & caetera pecoracampi, though then thou must sit there thrust and contemned bareheaded to a grogram scribe ready to start up at the door creaking, priest to get in, with your leave Sir, to some surly groom, the third son of a Rope-maker; what of all this?  Zucc: 
To a resolute mind these torments are not felt.  Herc. 
A very arrant Ass, when he is hungry will feed on though he be whipped to the bones, and shall a very arrant Ass Zuccone, be more virtuously patient, than a noble.  Don. 
No Fawn, the world shall know I have more virtue, than so.  Herc. 
Do so and be wise.  Zucc: 
I will I warrant thee, so I may be revenged, what care I what I do?  Herc. 
Call a dog worshipful,  Zucc. 
Nay, I will embrace, nay I will embrace a jakes-farmer after eleven o'clock at night, I will stand bare, and give wall to a Bellows-mender, pawn my Lordship, sell my foot-cloth, but I will be revenged, does she think she has married an Ass?  Herc. 
A Fool?  Zucc: 
A coxcomb?  Herc. 
A Ninnihammer?  Zucc: 
A Woodcock?  Herc. 
A Calf?  Zucc. 
No, she shall find that I ha' eyes.  Herc. 
And brain.  Zucc: 
And nose.  Herc. 
And Forehead.  Zucc: 
She shall i'faith Fawn, she shall, she shall, sweet Fawn, she shall i'faith old boy, it joys my blood to think on't, she shall i'faith; farewell loved Fawn, sweet Fawn farewell, she shall i'faith boy. Exit Zuccone.  Enter Gonzago, and Granuffo with Dulcimell. Gonz: 
We would be private only Faunus stay, Exeunt .He is a wise fellow Daughter, a very wise fellow, for he is still just of my opinion: my Lord Granuffo, you may likewise stay for, I know you'll say nothing, say on Daughter.  Dul: 
And as I told you sir, Tiberio being sent,  
Graced in high trust as to negotiate  
His royal father's love, if he neglect  
The honour of this faith, just care of state,  
And every fortune that gives likelihood  
To his best hopes, to draw our weaker heart  
To his own love (as I protest he does)  Gonza.. 
I'll rate the Prince with such a heat of breath  
His ears shall glow, nay, I discovered him  
I read his eyes, as I can read an eye,  
Though it speak in darkest Characters I can,  
Can we not Fawn, can we not my Lord?  
Why I conceive you now, I understand you both:  
You both admire, yes, say is't not hit?  
Though we are old, or so, yet we ha' wit.  Dulc. 
And you may say, (if so your wisdom please  
As you are truly wise) how weak a creature  
Soft woman is to beat the siege and strength,  
Of so prevailing feature, and fair language,  
As that of his is ever: you may add,  
(If so your wisdom please, as you are wise)  Gonz: 
As mortal man may be  Dul: 
I am of years, apt for his love, & if he should proceed  
in private urgent suit, how easy 'twere,  
To win my love, for you may say (if so  
Your wisdom please) you find in me  
A very forward passion to enjoy him,  
And therefore you beseech him seriously  
Straight to forbear, with such close cunning art,  
To urge his too well graced suit: for you  
(If so your Lordship please) may say I told you all.  Gonz: 
Go to go to, what I will say or so,  
Until I say none but myself shall know.  
But I will say go to, does not my colour rise?  
It shall rise for I can force my blood  
To come and go, as men of wit and state,  
Must sometimes feign their love, sometimes their hate.  
That's policy now, but come with this free heat,  
Or this same Estro or Enthusiasm,  
(For these are phrases both poetical)  
Will we go rate the Prince, and make him see  
Himself in us; that is our grace and wits,  
Shall show his shapeless folly, vice kneels whiles virtue fits.  Enter Tiberio. 
But see we are prevented daughter, in  
It is not fit thyself should hear what I  
Must speak of thy most modest wise, wise mind  
For thou'rt careful, sober, in all most wise. Exit dull:  
And in deed our daughter. My Lord Tiberio  
A horse but yet a Colt may leave his trot  
A man, but yet a boy may well be broke,  
From vain addictions, the head of Rivers stopped,  
The Channel dries, he that doth dread a fire,  
Must put out sparks, and he who fears a bull,  
Must cut his horns off when he is a Calf,  
Principiis obsta; saith a learned man  
Who, though he was no Duke yet he was wise,  
And had some sense or so.  Tib: 
What means my Lord?  Gon: 
Lah sir, thus men of brain can speak in clouds  
Which weak eyes cannot pierce; but my fair Lord  
In direct phrase thus, my daughter tells me plain  
You go about with most direct entreats  
To gain her love, and to abuse her father,  
O my fair Lord, will you a youth so blessed  
With rarest gifts of fortune, and sweet graces  
Offer to love a young and tender Lady,  
Will you I say abuse your most wise father?  
Who though he freeze in August, and his calves  
Are sunk into his toes, yet may well wed our daughter  
As old as he in wit: will you I say  
(For by my troth my Lord I must be plain)  
My daughter is but young, and apt to love  
So fit a person as your proper self,  
And so she prayed me tell you, will you now  
Entice her easy breast to abuse your trust,  
Her proper honour, and your father's hopes?  
I speak no figures, but I charge you check  
Your appetite, and passions to our daughter  
Before it head, nor offer conference  
Or seek access, but by, and before us;  
What judge you us as weak, or as unwise?  
No you shall find that Venice Duke has eyes; & so think on't.  Exeunt Gonzago and Granuffo. Tibe: 
Astonishment and wonder, what means this?  
Is the Duke sober?  Her: 
Why ha' not you endeavoured  
Courses that only seconded appetite?  
And not your honour, or your trust of place,  
Do you not court the Lady for yourself?  Tibe: 
Faun thou dost love me: if I ha' done so  
'tis past my knowledge, and I prithee Faun  
If thou observest, I do I know not what  
Make me to know it, for by the dear light  
I ha' not found a thought that way; I apt for love?  
Let lazy idleness filled full of wine,  
Heated with meats, high fed with lustful ease  
Go dote on colour, as for me: why death a sense  
I court the Lady? I was not borne in Cyprus,  
I love, when? how? whom? think, let us yet keep  
Our reason sound; I'll think, & think, & sleep. Exit.  Her: 
Amazed, even lost in wondering, I restful  
Of covetous expectation: I am left  
As on a rock, from whence I may discern  
The giddy sea of humour slow beneath,  
Upon whose back the vainer bubbles float  
And forthwith break, o mighty flattery  
Thou easiest, commonest, and most grateful venom  
That poisons Courts, and all societies,  
How grateful dost thou make me? should one rail  
And come to fear a vice, beware leg-rings  
And the turned key on thee, when if softer hand  
Suppling a sore that itches (which should smart)  
Free speech gains foes, base fawnings steal the heart,  
Swell you impostumed members till you burst  
Since 'tis in vain to hinder, on i'll thrust  
And when in shame you fall, I'll laugh from hence,  
And cry, so end all desperate impudence.  
another's court shall show me where and how  
Vice may be cured, for now beside myself  
Possessed with almost frenzy, from strong fervour  
I know I shall produce things mere divine,  
Without immoderate heat, no virtues shine  
For I speak strong, though strange, the dews that steep  
Our souls in deepest thoughts, are Fury and Sleep.  Exit.   

ACTVS TERTIVS.  Enter Faunus and Nymphador. Nym: 
Faith Faun 'tis my humour, the natural sin of my sanguine complexion, I am most enforcedly in love with all women, almost affecting them all with an equal flame.  Her: 
An excellent justice of an upright virtue, you love all God's creatures with an unpartial affection.  Nym: 
Right, neither am I inconstant to any one in particular.  Her: 
Though you love all in general, true, for when you vow a most devoted love to one you swear not to tender a most devoted love to another, and indeed why should any man overlove any thing, 'tis judgement for a man to love every thing proportionably to his virtue. I love a dog with a hunting pleasure, as he is pleasurable in hunting, my horse after a journeying easiness as he is easy in journeying, my hawk, to the goodness of his wing, and my wench—  Nym: 
How sweet Fawn, how?  Her: 
Why according to her creation, nature made them pretty, toying, idle fantastic imperfect creatures, even so I would in justice affect them, with a pretty toying idle fantastic imperfect affection, and as indeed they are only created for show and pleasure, so would I only love them for show and pleasure.  Nym: 
Why that's my humour to the very thread, thou dost speak my proper thoughts.  Her: 
But Sir with what possibility can your constitution be so boundlessly amorous as to affect all women of what degree, form or complexion soever?  Nym: 
I'll tell thee, for mine own part, I am a perfect Ovidian, and can with him affect all, if she be a virgin of a modest eye, shame faced, temperate aspect, her very modesty inflames me, her sober blushes fires me, if I behold a wanton, pretty, courtly petulant Ape, I am extremely in love with her, because she is not clownishly rude, & that she assures her lover of no ignorant, dull, unmoving venus, be she sourly severe: I think she wittily counterfeits, & I love her for her wit, if she be learned and censures poets, I love her soul, and for her soul her body, be she a Lady of professed ignorance, oh I am infinitely taken with her simplicity, as one assured to find no sophistication about her, be she slender and lean, she's the Greeks' delight, be she thick and plump, she's the Italians pleasure, if she be tall, she's of a goodly form, and will print a fair proportion in a large bed, if she be short and low, she's nimbly delightful, and ordinarily quick witted, be she young she's for mine eye, be she old she's for my discourse as one well knowing, there's much amiableness in a grave matron, but be she young or old, lean, fat, short, tall, white, red, brown, nay even black, my discourse shall find reason to love her, if my means may procure opportunity to enjoy her.  Herc. 
Excellent Sir, nay if a man were of competent means, wert not a notable delight for a man to have for every month in the year?  Nym. 
Nay for every week of the month?  Herc. 
Nay for every day of the week?  Nym. 
Nay for every hour of that day?  Herc. 
Nay for every humour of a man in that hour, to have a several Mistress to entertain him, as if he were Saturnine, or melancholy to have a black haired, pale-faced, sallow thinking Mistress to clip him: If jovial and merry, a sanguine, light tripping singing, indeed a mistress that would dance a coranto as she goes to embrace him, if choleric, impatient or ireful, to have a Mistress withered hair, little ferret eyes, a lean cheek, and a sharp nose to entertain him. And so of the rest.  Enter Donetta. Nym. 
O sir this were too great ambition: well I love and am beloved of a great many, for I court all in the way of honour, in the trade of marriage Fawn, but above all I affect the Princes, she's my utmost end. O I love a Lady whose beauty is joined with Fortune, beyond all, yet one of beauty, without fortune for some uses, nay one of fortune without beauty for some ends, but never any that has neither fortune nor beauty but for necessity such a one as this is Dona Donetta. Here's one has loved all the Court just once over.  Herc. 
O this is the fair Lady with the foul teeth, Nature's hand shook when she was in making, for the red that should have spread her cheeks, nature let fall upon her nose, the white of her chin slipped into her eyes, and the grey of her eyes leapt before his time into her hair, and the yellowness of her hair fell without providence into her teeth.  Nym. 
By the vow of my heart, you are my most only elected and I speak by way of protestation, I shall no longer wish to be, then that your only affection shall rest in me, and mine only in you.  Don. 
But if you shall love any other.  Nym. 
Any other? can any man, love any other that knows you, the only perfection of your sex, and astonishment of mankind?  Don. 
Fie ye flatter me, go wear and understand my favour, this snail slow, but sure.  Nym. 
This kiss.  Don. 
Farewell. Exit.  Nym. 
The integrity and only vow of my faith to you, ever urge your well deserved requital to me. Exit Donetta.  Her. 
Excellent.  Nym. 
See here's another of— Enter Garbetza.  Herc. 
Of your most only elected,  Nym. 
Right, Donna Garbetza.  Her: 
O, I will acknowledge this is the Lady made of cutwork and all her body like a sand box, full of holes, and contains nothing but dust, she chooseth her servants, as men choose dogs, by the mouth, if they open well and full, their cry is pleasing, she may be chaste, for she has a bad face, and yet questionless, she may be made a strumpet, for she is covetous.  Nym. 
By the vow of my heart, you are my most only elected, (and I speak it by way of protestation) I shall no longer wish to be, than all your affections shall only rest in me, and all mine only in you.  Herc. 
Excellent, this piece of stuff is good on both sides, he is so constant, he will not change his phrase.  Gar. 
But shall I give faith, may you not love another?  Nym. 
another, can any man love another, that knows you, the only perfection of your sex, and admiration of mankind?  Gar. 
Your speech flies too high, for your meaning to follow, yet my mistrust shall not precede my experience, I wrought this favour for you.  Nym. 
The integrity and only vow of my faith to you ever urged, your well deserved requital to me. Exit Garb.  Herc. 
Why this is pure wit, nay judgement.  Nym. 
Why look the Fawn observe me.  Herc. 
I do sir.  Nym. 
I do love at this instant some nineteen Ladies all in the trade of marriage, now sir, whose father dies first, or whose portion appeareth most, or whose fortunes betters soonest, her with quiet liberty at my leisure will I elect, for that's my humour.  Enter Dulcimel and Philocalia. Herc. 
You profess a most excellent mystery sir.  Nym. 
Fore heaven, see the Princes she that is.  Herc. 
Your most only elected too.  Nym. 
Oh ay, oh I, but my hopes faint yet, by the vow of my heart you are my most only elected and—  Dul. 
there's a ship of fools going out, shall I prefer thee Nymphodoro, thou mayst be masters mate, my father hath made Dondilo Captain, else thou shouldst have his place.  Nym. 
By jove Fawn, she speaks as sharply and looks as sourly, as if she had been new squeezed out of a crab orange  Herc. 
How term you that Lady, with whom she holds discourse?  Nym. 
O Fawn 'tis a Lady even above ambition, and like the vertical sun, that neither forceth others to cast shadows, nor can others force or shade her, her style is Dona Philocalia.  Herc. 
Philocalia, what that renowned Lady whose ample report hath struck wonder into remotest strangers? and yet her worth above that wonder, she whose noble industries hath made her breast rich in true glories, and undying abilities, she that whilst other ladies spend the life of earth, Time, in reading their glass, their jewels, and (the shame of Poesy) lustful sonnets gives her soul meditations, those meditations wings, that cleave the Air, fan bright celestial fires, whose true reflections makes her see herself and them: She whose pity is ever above her envy, loving nothing less than insolent prosperity, and pitying nothing more than virtue destitute of fortune.  Nym 
There were a Lady for Ferrara's Duke, one of great blood, firm age, undoubted honour, above her sex, most modestly artful, though naturally modest, too excellent, to be left unmatched, though few worthy to much with her.  Herc. 
I cannot tell my thoughts grow busy,  Phi. 
The Princes would be private, void the presence. Exeunt  Dul. 
May I rest sure thou wilt conceal a secret?  Phi. 
Yes Nadam.  Dul. 
How may I rest truly assured?  Phil. 
Truly thus, Do not tell it me.  Dul. 
Why, canst thou not conceal a secret?  Phi. 
Yes, as long as it is a secret. but when tow know it. how can it be a secret? and indeed with what justice can you expect secrecy in me that cannot be private to yourself?  Dulc. 
Faith Philocalia, I must of force trust thy silence, for my breast breaks, if I confer not my thoughts upon thee.  Phi. 
You may trust my silence, I can command that, but if I chance to he questioned I must speak truth, I can conceal but not deny my knowledge, that must command me.  Dulc. 
Fie on these Philosophical discoursing women, prithee confer with me like a creature made of flesh and blood, and tell me, if it be not a scandal to the soul of all being proportion, that I a female of 15. of a lightsome and civil discretion, healthy, lusty, vigorous, full and idle, should for ever be shackled to the crampy shins of a wayward, dull, sour, austere, rough, rheumy, threescore and four.  Phi. 
Nay, threescore and ten at the least,  Dulc. 
Now heaven bless me, as it is pity that every knave is not a fool, so it is shame, that every old man is not, and resteth not a widower. They say in China, when women are passed childbearing, they are all burnt to make gunpowder. I wonder what men should be done withal, when they are past child-getting, yet upon my love Philocalia (which with Ladies is often above their honour) I do even dote upon the best part of the Duke.  Phi. 
What's that?  Dulc. 
His son, yes soothe, and so love him, that I must mary him.  Phi. 
And wherefore love him, so to marry him.  Dulc. 
Because I love him, and because he his virtuous, I love to marry.  Phi. 
His virtues.  Dulc. 
ay, with him his virtues.  Phi. 
I with him, alas sweet Princes, love or virtue are not of the essence of marriage.  Dulc. 
A jest upon your understanding, i'll maintain that wisdom in a woman is most foolish quality: A Lady of a good complexion, naturally well witted, perfectly bred and well exercised, in discourse of the best men, shall make fools of a thousand of these book thinking creatures, I speak it by way of justification, I tell thee, (look that nobody eavesdrop us.) I tell thee I am truly learned, for I proteigrance and wise, for I love myself, and virtuous enough for a Lady of fifteen.  Phi. 
How virtuous?  Dulc. 
Shall I speak like a creature of a good healthful blood and not like one of these weak green sickness, leave tissick, starvelings: First for the virtue of magnanimity, I am very valiant, for there is no heroic action so particularly noble & glorious to our sex, as not to fall to action, the greatest deed we can do is not to do. (look that nobody listen) Then am I full of patience, and can bear more than a Sumpter horse, for (to speak sensibly) what burden is there so heavy to a porter's back, as Virginity to a well complexioned young lady's thoughts? (look nobody hearken) By this hand the noblest vow is that of Virginity, because the hardest, I will have the Prince.  Phi. 
But by what means sweet Madam?  Du. 
Oh Philocalia, in heavy sadness & unwanton phrase there lies all the brain work, by what means I could fall into a miserable blank verse presently.  Phi. 
But dear madam your reason of loving him.  Du. 
Faith only a woman's reason, because I was expressly forbidden to love him, at the first view I liked him, and no sooner had my father's wisdom mistrusted my liking, but I grew loath his judgement should err. I pitied he should prove a fool in his old age, and without cause mistrust me?  Phi. 
But when you saw no means of manifesting your affection to him, why did not your hopes perish?  Dul. 
O Philocalia that difficulty only inflames me, when the enterprise is easy, the victory is inglorious, no let my wise aged, learned, intelligent Father, that can interpret eyes understand the language of birds, interpret the grumbling of dogs & the conference of cats, that can read even silence, let him forbid all interviews, all speeches, all tokens, all messages, all (as he thinks) humane means, I will speak to the Prince, court the Prince, that he shall understand me, nay I will so stalk on the blind side of my all knowing father's wit, that do what his wisdom can, he shall be my only mediator, my only messenger, my only honourable spokesman, he shall carry my favours, he shall amplify my affection nay he shall direct the Prince the means the very way to my bed, he and only he, when he only can do this, and only would not do this, he only shall do this.  Phi. 
Only you shall then deserve such a husband, O love how violent are thy passages!  Dul. 
Pish Philocalia, 'tis against the nature of love, not to be violent.  Phi. 
And against the condition of violence to be constant.  Dul. 
Constancy? constancy and patience are virtues in no living creatures but sentinels and Anglers: here's our father.  Enter Gonzago, Hercules and Granuffo. Gon. 
What did he think to walk invisibly before our eyes, and he had Gyges' ring I would find him.  Herc. 
Fore jove you rated him with Emphasis.  Gon. 
Did we not shake the Prince with energy?  Her. 
With Ciceronian Elocution?  Gon. 
And most pathetic piercing Oratory?  Herc. 
If he have any wit in him, he will make sweet use of it.  Gon. 
Nay he shall make sweet use of it ere I have done, Lord what overweening fools these young men be, that think us old men sots.  Herc. 
Arrant Asses.  Gon: 
Doting idiots, when we God wot, ha, ha, 'las silly souls.  Herc. 
Poor weak creatures to men of approved reach.  Gon. 
Full years.  Her. 
Of wise experience.  Gon. 
And approved wit.  Herc. 
Nay as for your wit—  Gon. 
Count Granuffo, as I live this Faunus is a rare understander of men, is a not Faunus? this Granuffo is a right wise good Lord, a man of excellent discourse, and never speaks his signs to me, & men of profound reach instruct abundantly, he begs suits with signs, gives thanks with signs puts off his hat leysurely, maintains his beard learnedly, keeps his lust privately, makes a nodding leg courtly, and lives happily.  Her. 
Silence is an excellent modest grace, but especially before so instructing a wisdom, as that of your excellencies, as for his advancement, you gave it most royally, because he deserves it least duly, since to give to virtuous desert, is rather a due requital, than a Princely magnificence, when to undeservingness, it is merely all bounty and free grace.  Gon. 
Well spoke, 'tis enough, Don Granuffo this Fawnus is a very worthy fellow, and an excellent Courtier, and beloved of most of the princes of Christendom I can tell you, for howsoever some severer dissembler, grace him not when he affronts him in the full face, yet if he comes behind, or on the one side he'll leer and put back his head upon him be sure, be you two precious to each other.  Her. 
Sir myself, my family, my fortunes, are all devoted I protest most religiously to your service. I vow my whole self only proud, in being acknowledged by you, but as your creature, and my only utmost ambition is by my sword or soul to testify, how sincerely I am consecrated to your adoration.  Gon. 
'tis enough, art a Gentleman Fawn?  Herc. 
Not one eminent descended, for were the pedigrees of some fortunately mounted, searched, they would be secretly found to be of the blood of the poor Fawn.  Gon. 
'tis enough, you two I love heartily, for thy silence never displeaseth me, nor thy speech ever offend me: See our daughter attends us, my fair, my wise, my chaste, my duteous, and indeed, in all my daughter, (for such a pretty soul for all the world have I been) what I think we have made the Prince to feel his error, what did he think he had weak fools in hand? no he shall find, as wisely said Lucullus, Young men are fools, that go about to gull us.  Dulc. 
But sooth my wisest father, the young Prince is yet forgetful, and resteth resolute, in his much unadvised love.  Gon. 
be't possible?  Dul. 
Nay I protest whate'er he fain to you (as he can feign most deeply)  Gon. 
Right we know it, for if you marked he would not once take sense of any such intent from him, O impudence, what mercy canst thou look for?  Dul. 
And as I said, royally wise, and wisely royal Father—  Gon. 
I think that eloquence is hereditary.  Dul. 
Though he can feign, yet I presume your sense is quick enough to find him.  Gon. 
Quick, be't not?  Gra. 
be't not Fawn, why I did know you feigned, nay I do know (by the just sequence of such impudence) that he hath laid some second siege unto thy bosom, with most miraculous conveyances of some rich present on thee.  Dulc. 
O bounteous heaven, how liberal are your graces to my Nestor-like Father.  Gon. 
be't not so, say?  Dulc. 
'tis so oraculous Father, he hath now more than courted with bare Phrases.  
See Father see, the very bane of honour,  
Corruption of justice and Virginity,  
Gifts hath he left with me, O view this scarf,  
This as he called it most envied silk,  
That should embrace an arm, or waste, or side,  
Which he much feared should never, this he left,  
Despite my much resistance.  Gon. 
Did he so giv't me, I'll giv't him, I'll regive his token with so sharp advantage  Dulc. 
Nay my worthy Father, read but these cunning letters  Gon. 
Letters? where, prove you but justly loving & conceit me  
Till justice leave the Gods, I'll never leave thee.  
For though the Duke seem wise, he'll find this strain,  
Where two hearts yield consent, all thwart's vain,  
And darest thou then aver this wicked write,  
O world of wenching wiles, where is thy wit?  Enter Tiberio. Dul. 
But other talk for us were far more fit,  
For see here comes the prince Tiberio.  Gon. 
Daughter upon thy obedience instantly take thy chamber  Dul. 
Dear father in all duty, let me beseech your leave, that I may but—  Gon. 
Go to, go to, you are a simple fool, a very simple animal  Dul. 
Yet let me, (the loyal servant of simplicity.)  Gon. 
What would you do? what are you wiser than your father, will you direct me?  Dul. 
heavens forbid such insolence, yet let me denounce my hearty hatred.  Gon. 
To what end?  Dul. 
though't be but in the PRINCE's ear, (since fit's not maiden's blush to rail aloud.  Gon. 
Go to, go to.  Dul. 
Let me but check his heat.  Gon. 
Well, well.  Dul. 
And take him down dear father, from his full pride of hopes.  Gon. 
So, so, I say once more go in.  Exit Dulcimel and Philocalia. 
I will not lose the glory of reproof;  
Is this th'office of Ambassadors my Lord Tiberio?  
Nay duty of a son, nay pity of a man.  
(A figure called in art Gradatio.  
With some learned Climax) to court a royal Lady,  
For's master, father, or perchance his friend,  
And yet intend the purchase of his beauty,  
To his own use.  Tib. 
Your grace doth much amaze me.  Gon. 
ay, feign, dissemble, 'las we are now grown old, weak sighted, alas any one fools us.  Tib. 
I deeply vow my Lord.  Gon. 
Peace, be not damned, have pity on your soul,  
I confess sweet Prince for you to love my daughter,  
Young and witty, of equal mixture both of mind and body,  
Is neither wondrous nor unnatural,  
Yet to forswear and vow against ones heart,  
Is full of base, ignoble cowardice,  
Since t's most plain, such speeches, do contemn  
Heaven, and fear men (that's sentious now)  Tib. 
My gracious Lord if I unknowingly have erred,  Gon. 
Unknowingly, can you blush my Lord:  
Unknowingly, why can you write these lines?  
Present this scarf, unknowingly my Lord,  
To my dear daughter? umh, unknowingly?  
Can you urge your suit, prefer your gentlest love,  
In your own right, to her too easy breast:  
That God knows takes too much compassion on ye,  
(And so she prayed me say) unknowingly my Lord?  
If you can act these things unknowingly,  
Know we can know your actions so unknown,  
For we are old? I will not say in wit,  
(For even just worth must not approve itself)  
But take your scarf, for she vows she'll not wear it.  Tib. 
Nay but my Lord—  Gon. 
Nay but my Lord, my Lord.  
You must take it, wear it, keep it,  
For by the honour of our house and blood;  
I will deal wisely, and be provident,  
Your father shall not say I pandarized,  
Or fondly winked at your affection,  
No we'll be wise, this night our daughter yields  
Your father's answer, this night we invite  
Your presence therefore to a feastful waking,  
Tomorrow to Ferrara you return,  
With wished answer to your royal father,  
Mean time as you respect our best relation  
Of your fair bearing, (Granuffo be't not good?)  
Of your fair bearing, rest more anxious,  
(No anxious is not a good word) rest more vigilant  
Over your passion, both forbear and bear,  
Anexou è ampexou, (that's Greek to you now.)  
Else your youth shall find,  
Our nose not stuffed, but we can take the wind,  
And smell you out, I say no more but thus,  
And smell you out, what, ha' not we our eyes,  
Our nose and ears, what, are these hairs unwise?  
Look to't. 
Tibereo reads the imbroder 〈◊〉 scarves.  quos ego, a figure called Aposiopesis or Increpatio.  Exeunt Gonzago & Granuffo. Tib. 
Prove you but justly, loving and conceive me,  
justice shall leave the gods before I leave thee:  
Imagination prove as true, as thou art sweet  
And though the Duke seem wise, he'll find this strain  
When two hearts yield consent, all thwartings vain.  
O quick deviseful strong brained Dulcimel  
Thou art too full of wit to be a wife,  
Why dost thou love? or what strong heat gave life  
To such faint hopes? O woman thou art made  
Most only of, and for deceit, thy form  
Is nothing but delusion of our eyes,  
Our ears, our hearts, and sometimes of our hands,  
Hypocrisy and vanity brought forth,  
Without male heat, thy most most monstrous being  
Shall I abuse my royal father's trust,  
And make myself a scorn, the very food  
Of rumor infamous? shall I that ever loathed,  
A thought of woman, now begin to love,  
My worthy father's right, break faith to him that got me  
To get a faithless woman?  Her. 
True my worthy Lord, your grace is verè pius.  Tib. 
To take from my good father the pleasure of his eyes,  
And of his hands, imaginary solace of his fading life.  Herc. 
His life that only lives to your sole good,  Tib. 
And myself good, his life's most only end.  Herc. 
Which O may never end.  Tib. 
Yes Fawn in time, we must not prescribe to nature, every thing: there's some end in every thing.  Her. 
But in a woman, yet as she is a wife, she is  
Oftentimes the end of her husband  Tib. 
Shall I, I say?—  Herc. 
Shall you I say confound your own fair hopes,  
Cross all your course of life, make yourself vain,  
To your once steady graveness, and all to second  
The ambitious quickness of a monstrous love,  
That's only out of difficulty borne,  
And followed only for the miracle,  
In the obtaining? I would ha' ye now,  
Tell her father all.  Tib. 
Uncompassionate wild man, shall I not pity, if I cannot love?  
Or rather shall I not for pity love,  
So wondrous wit in so most wondrous beauty,  
That with such rarest art and cunning means  
Entreats? what (I thing valueless) am not,  
Worthy but to grant, my admiration,  
Are fathers to be thought on in our loves?  Herc. 
True right sir, fathers or friends, a crown,  
And love hath none, but are allied to themselves alone,  
Your father I may boldly say, he's an Ass,  
To hope that you'll forbear to swallow,  
What he cannot chew, nay e't is injustice truly,  
For him to judge it fit, that you should starve.  
For that which only he can feast his eye withal,  
And not digest.  Tib. 
O Fawn what man of so cold earth  
But must love such a wit in such a body,  
Thou last and only rareness of heavens works,  
From best of man made model of the Gods:  
Divinest woman, thou perfection  
Of all proportions Beauty, made when, jove was blithe,  
Well filled with Nectar, and full friends with man,  
Thou dear as air, necessary as sleep,  
To careful man: woman, O who can sin so deeply,  
As to be cursed from knowing of the pleasures,  
Thy soft society, modest amorousness,  
Yields to our tedious life. fawn, the Duke shall not know this  Herc. 
Unless you tell him, but what hope can live in you,  
When your short stay, and your most shortened conference.  
Not only actions, but even looks obscure,  
Cut off all possibilities of obtaining.  Tib. 
Tush Fawn, to violence of women's love and wit  
Nothing but not obtaining is impossible,  
Notumque furens quid foemina possit.  Herc. 
But then how rest you to your father true?  Tib. 
To him that only can give dues, she rests most due. Exit  Herc. 
even so? he that with safety would well lurk in courts,  
To best elected ends, of force is wrung,  
To keep broad eyes, soft feet, long ears, & most short tongue.  
For t's of knowing creatures the main art,  
To use quick hams, wide arms and most close heart.  
Actus tertii Finis.   

ACTVS QVARTVS  Enter Hercules and Garbetza Herc. 
Why t's a most well in fashion affection Dona Garbetza your Knight S. Amaros is a man of a most unfortunate back, spits white, has an ill breath, at three after dinner goes to the Bath, takes the diet, nay which is more, takes Tobacco, therefore with great authority you may cuckold him.  Gar. 
I hope so, but would that friend my brother discover me, would he wrong himself, to prejudice me?  Herc. 
No prejudice dear Garbetza, his brother your husband right, he cuckold his eldest brother, true, he gets her with child, just.  Garb. 
Sure there's no wrong in, right, true, and just.  Herc. 
And indeed since the virtue of procreation growed hopeless in your husband, to whom should you rather commit your love and honour to, then him that is most like and near your husband, his brother, but are you assured your friend and brother rests entirely constant solely to you?  Garb. 
To me? O Fawn, let me sigh it with joy into thy bosom, my brother has been wooed by this & that and other Lady to entertain than (for I ha' seen their letters) but his vow to me O Favu, is most immutable, unfeigning, peculiar, & indeed deserved.  Enter Puttotta and a Page, Puttotta with a letter in his hand. Put. 
Never entreat me, never beseech me, to have pity forsooth on your Master, M. Herod: Let him never be so daringly ambitious, as to hope with all his vows and protestations to gain my affection, gods my discretion? has my my sutlery, tapstery, laundry, made me be ta'en up at the Court, preferred me to a husband, and have I advanced my husband with the labour of mine own body, from the black guard, to be one of the Duke's drummers, to make him one of the court forkers? shall I that purify many Lords & some Ladies can tell who wears perfumes who plasters, and for why, know whose a gallant, of a chaste shirt and who not; shall I become, or dares your master think I will become, or if I would become, presumes your Master to hope I would become one of his common feminines? no let M. Herod brag of his brother's wife, I scorn his letters, and her leavings at my heel, i'faith and so tell him.  Pag. 
Nay costly, dear Puttotta, Mistress Puttotta, madam Puttotta O be merciful to my languishing master, he may in time grow great and well graced Courtier, for he wears yellow already, mix therefore your loves, as for madam Garbetza his brother's wife, you see what he writes there.  Put. 
I must confess he says she is a spiny, green creature, of an unwholesome barren blood and cold embrace, a bony thing of most unequal hips, uneven eyes, ill ranked teeth, and indeed one, but that she hires him, he endures not, yet, for all this does he hope to dishonest me: I am for his betters, I would he should well know it, for more by many then my husband, know I am a woman of a known, sound and upright carriage and so he shall find if he deal with me, and so tell him I pray you, what does he hope to make me one of his gills, his punks, pole cats, flirrs and feminines?  Exit as Puttotta goes out she flings away the letter, the page puts it up, and as he is talking Hercules steals it out of his pocket. Page. 
Alas my miserable master, what suds art thou washed into? thou art borne to be scorned of every carted community, and yet he'll out crack a German when he is drunk, or a Spaniard after he hath eaten a Fumatho, that he has lain with that and that, and other Lady, that he lay last night in such a madonna's chamber, other night he lay in such a countess's couch, tonight he lies in such a lady's closet, when poor I know all this while he only lied in his throat.  Exit. Her. 
Madam let me sigh it in your bosom, how immutable and unfainting and indeed—  Gar. 
fawn I will undo that rascal, he shall starve for any further maintenance.  Herc. 
You may make him come to the covering and recovering of his old doublets.  Gar. 
He was in fair hope of proving heir to his elder brother, but he has gotten me with child.  Herc. 
So, you withdrawing your favour, his present means fail him, and by getting you with child, his future means for ever rest despairful to him.  Gar. 
O heaven that I could curse him beneath damnation, impudent varlet: by my reputation Fawn, I only loved him, because I thought I only did not love him, he vowed infinite beauties doted on him, alas I was a simple country Lady, wore gold buttons, trunk sleeves, and flagon bracelets, in this state of innocency was I brought up to the Court.  Her. 
And now in stead of country innocency, have you got court honesty: well Madam leave your brother to my placing, he shall have a special cabin in the ship of fools.  Gar. 
Right, remember he got his elder brother's wife with child, and so deprived himself of th'inheritance.  Her. 
That will stow him under hatches I warrant you.  Gar. 
And so deprived himself of inheritance, dear Fawn be my champion.  Herc. 
The very scourge of your most basely offending brother  Gar. 
Ignoble villain, that I might but see thee wretched without pity, and recovery, well. Enter Herod and Nymphadoro  Herc. 
Stand Herod, you are full met sir.  Herod. 
But not met, full sir, I am as gaunt as a hunting gelding after 3. trained scents, fore Venus' fan I have been shelling of peascods, upon four great Madonnas have I this afternoon grafted the forked tree,  Herc. 
is't possible?  Herod 
Possible? fie on this satiety, 'tis a dull, blunt, weary, & drowsy passion; who would be a proper fellow to be thus greedily devoured & swallowed among Ladies? faith 'tis my torment, my very rack.  Herc. 
Right Herod, true, for imagine all a man possessed with a perpetual pleasure, like that of generation, even in the highest lusciousness, he straight sinks as unable to bear so continual, so pure, so universal a sensuality.  Herod 
By even truth t's very right, & for my part would I were eunuched rather than thus sucked away with kisses, enfeebling dalliance, & O the falling sickness on them all, why did reasonable nature give so strange, so rebellious, so tyrannous, so insatiate parts of appetite to so weak 'a governs a woman.  Herc. 
Or why O custom didst thou oblige them to modesty, such cold temperance, that they must be wooed by men, courted by men? why all know, they are more full of strong desires, those desires most impatient of delay, or hindrance, they have more unruly passions than men, and weaker reason to temper those passions than men.  Nym. 
Why then hath not the discretion of nature thought it just, that customary coins, old fashions, terms of honour & of modesty for sooth, all laid aside, they court not us, beseech not us, rather for sweets of love, than we them, why? by janus women are but men turned the wrong side outward.  Herc. 
O sir nature is a wise workman, she knows right well that if women should woo us to the art of love, we should all be utterly shamed, how often should they take us unprovided when they are always ready.  Herod 
ay sir, right sir, to some few such unfortunate handsome fellows as myself am to my grief I know it.  Herc. 
Why here are two perfect creatures, the one Nymphadoro, loves all, and my Herod here enjoys all.  Herod. 
Faith some score or two of Ladies or so, ravish me among them, divide my presents, and would indeed engross me were I indeed such an ass as to be made a Monopoly of: look sirrah what a wild hand one of them writes, who would ever take this for a. d. dearest, or read this, for only, only dearest.  Herc. 
Here's a lie indeed.  Herod. 
True, but here's another much more legible, a good secretary my most affected Herod, the utmost ambition of my hopes and only.  Her. 
There is one lie better shaped by odds.  Herod. 
Right, but here's a lady's roman hand to me is beyond all, look ye, to her most elected servant, and worthy friend, Herod Baldonzozo Esquire, I believe thou knowest what Countesses hand this is, I'll show thee another.  Herc. 
No good Herod, I'll show thee one now: To his most elected Mistress and worthy laundress, divine mistress Puttotta at her tent in the woodyard, or else where give these.  Herod. 
Prithee ha silence what's that?  Herc. 
If my tears or vows, my faithfullest protestations on my knees.  Herod. 
Good hold.  Herc. 
Fair and only loved laundress.  Herod. 
Forbear I beseech thee.  Herc. 
Might move thy stony heart to take pity on my sighs.  Herod. 
Do not shame me to the day of judgement.  Herc. 
Alas I write it in passion, alas thou knowest besides my loathed sister thou art.  Herod. 
For the Lords sake.  Herc. 
The only hope of my pleasure, the only pleasure of my hopes, be pleased therefore to  Herod. 
Cease I beseech thee.  Herc. 
Pish, near blush man, 'tis an uncourtly quality, as for thy lying as long as there's policy in't, it is very passable, wherefore has heaven given man tongue but to speak to a man's own glory? he that cannot swell bigger than his natural skin nor seem to be in more grace than he is, has not learned the very rudiments or A.B.C. of courtship.  Herod. 
Upon my heart Fawn thou pleasest me to the soul, why look you for mine own part I must confess.  Enter Dondolo. 
See here's the Duke's fool.  Don. 
A board, a board, a board, all manner of fools of Courtesy or country of what degree sex or nature.  Herod 
fool.  Don. 
Herod.  Herc. 
What, are ye full fraughted, is your ship well fold?  Don. 
O 'twas excellently thronged full, a justice of peace, though he had been one of the most illiterate asses in a Country could hardly ha' got a hanging cabin. O we had first some long fortunate great Politicians that were so sottishly paradised as to think when popular hate seconded PRINCE's displeasure to them, any unmerited violence could seem to the world injustice, some purple fellows whom chance reared, and their own deficiences of spirit hurled down, we had some courtiers that over bought their offices & yet durst fall in love, Priests that forsook their functions to avoid a thwart stroke with a wet finger. But now alas Fawn, now there's space and place.  Her. 
Why/ how got all these forth, was not the warrant strong?  Don. 
Yes, yes, but they got a supersedeas, all of them proved themselves either knaves or mad men, and so were all let go, there's none left now in our ship, but a few Citizens, that let their wives keep their shop books, some philosophers, and a few critics; one of which critics has lost his flesh with fishing at the measure of Plautus verses, another has vowed to get the consumption of the lungs, or to leave to posterity the true orthography and pronunciation of laughing, a third hath melted a great deal a suet, worn out his thumbs with turning, read out his eyes and studied his face out of a sanguine into a meager spawling phlegmy loathsomeness, & all to find but why mentula should be the feminine gender since the rule is Propria quae maribut tribuuntur mascilla dicas. These Philosophers, critics and all the maids we could find at 16. are all our fraught now.  Herc. 
O then, your ship of fools is full.  Nym. 
True the maids at 17. fill it.  Don. 
Fill it quoth you alas we have very few and these we were feign to take up in the country too.  Herc. 
But what Philosophers ha' ye.  Don. 
O very strange fellows one knows nothing, dares not aver, he lives, goes, sees, feels.  Nym. 
A most insensible Philosopher.  Don. 
An oher that there is no present time, and that one man today, and to morrow is not the same man, so that he that yesterday owed money today owes none, because he is not the same man.  Hero. 
Would that Philosopher would hold good in law.  Herc. 
But why has the Duke thus laboured to have all the fools shipped out of his dominions.  Don. 
Marry because he would play the fool himself alone without any rival.  Herc. 
Ware your breech fool.  Don. 
I warrant thee old lad 'tis the privilege of poor fools to talk before an intelligencer, mary if I could fool myself into a Lordship as I know some ha fool themselves out of a Lordship were I grown some huge fellow & got the leer of the people upon me if the fates had so decreed it, I should talk treason though I near opened my lips.  Her. 
In fatis agimur, cedite fatis, but how runs rumor what breath's strongest in the Palace, now I think you know all.  Don. 
Yes we fools think we know all the Prince hath audience tonight, is feasted and after supper is entertained with no comedy mask or barriers but with.  Nym. 
What I prithee?  Herod. 
What I prithee?  Don. 
With a most new and special shape of delight.  Nym. 
What for jove's sake?  Don. 
Marie gallants, a session, a general council of love summoned in the name of Don Cupid to which upon pain of their mistress displeasure shall appear all favour wearers, sonnet mongers, health drinkers, & neat in riches of barbers, & perfumers, & to conclude all that can wyhee or wag the tail, are upon grievous pains of their back summoned to be assistant in that Session of love.  Herc. 
Hold, hold, do not Paul the delight before it come to our palate, & what other rumor keeps air on men's lungs.  Don. 
Other egregiousness of folly ha' you not heard of Don. Zucone.  Nym. 
What of him good fool.  Don. 
He is separated.  Nym. 
divorced.  Don. 
That salt that criticism, that very all epigram of a woman, that Analysis, that compendium of witness.  Nym. 
Now jesu what words the fool has.  Don. 
We ha' still such words but I will not unshake the jest before it be ripe and therefore kissing your worship's fingers in most sweet terms without any sense and with most fair looks without any good meaning I most courtlike take my leave ba suus manus devostro Signioria.  Hero. 
Stay fool we'll follow thee, for fore heaven we must prepare ourselves for this session.  Exeunt. Enter Zuccone pursued by Zoya on her knees attended by Ladies Zuc. 
I will have no mercy, I will not relent, justice beard is shaven, and it shall give thee no hold, I am separated and I will be separated.  Zoya. 
Dear my Lord husband.  Zuc. 
Hence creature, I am none of thy husband or father of thy bastard, no I willbe tyrannous and a most deep revenger the order shall stand ha, thou Quean I ha' no wife now.  Zoy. 
sweet my Lord.  Zuc. 
Hence avant I will mary a woman with no womb, a creature with two noses, a wench with no hair rather than remarry thee, nay I will first marry, mark me I will first marry, observe me, I will rather mary a woman that with thirst drinks the blood of man: nay, heed me a woman that will thrust in crowds, a lady that being with child ventures the hope of her womb, nay gives two crowns for a room to behold a goodly man three parts alive quartered, his privities hacked off, his belly launched up. Nay I'll rather marry a woman to whom this smoking, hideous, bloodful, horrid, though most just spectacles, are very lust, rather, then reaccept thee, was I not a handsome fellow from my foot to my feather, had I not wit, nay, which is more, was I not a Don. and didst thou Actaeon me, did I not make thee a Lady.  Herc. 
And did she not make you a more worshipful thing, a Cuckold.  Zuc. 
I married thee in hope of children.  Herc. 
And has not she showed herself fruitful that was got with child without help of her husband?  Zuc. 
Ha thou ungrateful, immodest, unwise, & one that gods my witness I ha' loved, but go thy ways twist with whom thou wilt, for my part thou'st spun a fair thread, who'll kiss thee now who'll court thee now, who'll hathe now?  Zoy. 
Pity the frailty of my sex sweet Lord.  Zuc. 
No, pity is a fool, and I will not wear her coxcomb, I have vowed to loathe thee, the Irish man shall hate aquavity, the welsh man cheese, the dutch man shall loathe salt butter before I relove thee, does the babe pule? thou shouldst ha' cried before, 'tis too late now, no, the trees in autumn shall sooner call back the spring with shedding of their leaves; than thou reverse my just irrevocable hatred with thy tears, away go vaunt.  Exit Zoya and the Lady. Herc. 
Nay but most of this is your fault that for many years only upon mere mistrust severed your body from your Lady and in that time gave opportunity turned a jealous ass hired and some to try and tempt your lady's honour whilst she with all possible industry of apparent merit diverting your unfortunate suspicion.  Zuc. 
I know't I confess, all this I did and I do glory in't, why? cannot a young Lady for many months keep honest? no, I misthought it, my wife had wit, beauty, health, good birth, fair clothes and a passing body, a Lady of rare discourse, quick eye, sweet language, alluring behaviour, and exquisite entertainment. I misthought it, I feared, I doubted, and at the last I found it out, I praise my wit I knew I was a Cuckold.  Herc. 
An excellent wit.  Zuc. 
True Fawn, you shall read of some Lords that have had such a wit I can tell you, & I found it out, that I was a Cuckold  Herc. 
Which now you have found you will not be such an ass as Cesar, great Pompey, Lucullus, Anthony, or Cato & diverse other Romans, cuckolds, who all knew it, & yet were near divorced upon't, or like that smith-God Vulcan who having taken his wifetaking, yet was presently appeased, and entreated to make an Armour for a bastard of hers Aeneas.  Herc. 
No the Romans were asses. & thought that a woman might mix her thigh with a stranger wanton, & yet still love her husband band matrimonially.  Herc. 
As indeed they say many married men, lie sometime with strange women, whom, but for the instant use, they abhor.  Zuc. 
And as for Vulcan 'twas humanity more than human; such excess of goodness for my part only belong to the Gods.  Herc. 
Ass for you.  Zuc. 
As for me my Fawn I am a bachelor now.  Herc. 
But you are a Cuckold still, and one that knows himself to be a cuckold.  Zuc. 
Right, that's it and I knew it not, 'twere nothing and if I had not pursued it too, it had lain in oblivion, and shadowed in doubt, but now I ha' blazed it.  Herc. 
The world shall know what you are.  Zuc. 
True, i'll pocket up no horns, but my revenge shall speak in thunder.  Herc. 
Indeed I must confess I know twenty are Cuckolds honestly & decently enough a worthy gallant spirit (whose virtue suppresseth his mishap) is lamented but not disesteemed by it: Yet the world shall know—  Zuc. 
I am none of those silent Coxcombs, it shall out.  Herc. 
And although it be no great part of injustice, for him to be struck with the scabbard that has struck with the blade (for there is few of us but hath made some one cuckold or other)  Zuc. 
True I ha' done't myself.  Herc. 
Yet.—  Zuc. 
Yet I hope a man of wit may prevent his own mishap or if he can prevent it.—  Herc. 
Yet—  Zuc. 
Yet make it known yet, and so known that the world may tremble with only thinking of it. Well Fawn whom shall I mary now? O heaven! that God made for a man no other means of procreation and maintaining the world peopled but by women, O that we could increase like roses by being slipped one from another or like flies procreate with blowing, or any other way then by a woman, by women who have no reason in their love, or mercy in their hate, no rule in their pity, no pity in their revenge, no judgement to speak, & yet no patience to hold their tongues; man's opposite, the more held down; they swell, above them nought but will, beneath them nought but hell  Herc. 
Or that since heaven hath given us no other means to allay our furious appetite, no other way of increasing our progeny, since we must entreat and beg for assuagement of our passions, and entertainment of our affections, why did not heaven make us a nobler creature than women to show unto, some admirable, deity of an uncorruptible beauty that be worth our knees, the expense of our heat, and the crinkling of our.  Zuc. 
But that we must court, sonnet, flatter, bribe, kneel, sue to so feeble and imperfect, in constant, idle, vain, hollow, bubble, as woman is. O my face.  Herc. 
O my Lord look who here comes.  Enter Zoya supported by a gentleman usher followed by Herod and Nymphadora with much state, soft music playing. Zuc. 
Death a man, is she delivered?  Herc. 
Delivered, yes. O my Don. delivered, yes Dona Zoya the grace of society, the music of sweetly agreeing perfection, more clearly chaste than ice or frozen rain, that glory of her sex, that wonder of wit, that beauty more freshly than any cool and trembling wind, that now only wish of a man is delivered, is delivered.  Zuc. 
how  Herc. 
From Don. Zuc. that dry scaliness, that sarpego, that barren drought and shame of all humanity.  Zoya. 
What fellows that.  Nym. Don. Zuc. 
your sometime husband.  Enter Philocalia. Zoy. 
alas poor creature.  Phil. 
The princess prays your company. All but Hercules,  Zoy. 
I wait upon her pleasure. Zuccone. Herod, and Nim. depart.  Zuc. 
Gentlemen why hazard you your reputation in shameful company with such a branded creature,  Herod 
Miserable man whose fortune were beyond tears to be pitied, but that thou art the ridiculous author of thine own laughed at mischief.  Zuc. 
Without paraphrase your meaning.  Nym. 
Why thou woman's fool?  Zuc. 
Good gentlemen let one die but once.  Herod. 
Was not thou most curstfully mad to sever thyself from such an unequaled rarity.  Zuc. 
Is she not a strumpet? Is she not with Child?  Nym. 
yes with feathers.  Herc 
why weakness of reason, couldst not perceive all was feigned to be rid of thee?  Zuc 
Of me.  Nym. 
she with child, untrodden snow is not so spotless  Herod. 
Chaste as the first voice of a new borne infant,  Her. 
know she grew loathing of thy jealousy,  Nym 
thy most pernicious curiosity,  Herc. 
whose suspicions made her unimitable grace's motive of thy base jealousy.  Herod. 
why beast of man?  Nym, 
wretched above expression that snoredst over a beauty which thousands desired, neglec'st her bed, for whose enjoying a very saint would have sued.  Herc. 
defamed her.  Hero. 
suggested privily against her.  Nym. 
gave foul language publicly of her.  Herc. 
and now lastly done that for her which she only prayed for, and wished as wholesome air for, namely to be from such an unworthy.  Herod. 
senseless.  Nym. 
injurious.  Herc. 
malicious.  Herod 
suspicious.  Nym 
mishapped.  Herc. 
ill languaged.  Herod. 
unworthy  Nym 
ridiculous.  Herc. 
jealous.  Herod. 
arch coxcomb as thou art. Exeunt Nym. & Herod.  Zuc. 
O I am sick, my blood has the cramp, my stomach o'erturns; O I am very sick.  Herc. 
why my sweet Don. you are no cuckold.  Zuc. 
that's the grief on't  Herc. 
that's, the grief on't that I ha' wronged so sweet (and now in my knowledge) so delicate a creature, O methinks I embrace her yet.  Herc. 
alas my Lord you have done her no wrong, no wrong in the world, you have done her a pleasure, a great pleasure, a thousand gentlemen, nay dukes will be proud to accept your leavings, your leavings, now is she courted, this heir sends her jewels, that lord proffers her jointures, other knight proclaims challenges, to maintain her, the only not beautiful, but very beauty of women.  Zuc. 
but I shall never embrace her more.  Herc. 
nay that's true, that's most true (I would not afflict you, only think how unrelentless you were to her but supposed fault.  Zuc. 
O 'tis true, too true.  Herc. 
think how you scorned her tears,  Zuc. 
most right,  Herc. 
Tears that were only shed I would not vex you in very grief to see you covet your own shame.  Zuc. 
Too true, too true.  Herc. 
For indeed she is the sweetest modest soul, the fullest of pity.  Zuc. 
O yes, O yes.  Herc. 
The softness and very courtesy of her sex as one that never loved any—  Zuc. 
But me.  Herc. 
So much that he might hope to dishonour her, nor any so little that he might fear she disdained him. O the graces made her a soul as soft as spotless down upon the swans fair breast, that drew bright Cytherea's chariot, yet think (I would not vex you) yet think how cruel you were to her.  Zuc. 
As a Tiger, as a very Tiger.  Herc. 
And never hope to be reconciled, never dream to be reconciled, never  Zuc. 
Never, alas good Fawn what wouldst wish me to do now?  Herc. 
Faith go hang yourself my Don. that's best sure.  Zuc. 
Nay that's too good, for I'll do worse than that, I'll mary again; where canst pick out a morsel for me Fawn?  Herc. 
There is a modest matron like creature—  Zuc. 
What years Fawn.  Herc. 
Some four score wanting one.  Zuc. 
A good sober age, is she wealthy?  Herc. 
Very wealthy.  Zuc. 
Excellent.  Herc. 
She has three hairs on her scalp and four teeth in her head, a brow wrinkled and puckered like old parchment half burnt, she has had eyes, no woman's jaw-bones are more apparent, her sometimes envious lips, now shrink in, and give her nose and her chin leave to kiss each other very moistly; as for her reverend mouth it seldom opens, but the very breath that flies out of it, infects the fowls of the air, and makes them drop down dead, her breasts hang like cobwebs, her flesh will never make you cuckold, her bones may.  Zuc. 
But is she wealthy  Herc. 
Very wealthy,  Zuc. 
And will she ha' me art sure?  Herc. 
No sure, she will not have you, why do you think that a waiting woman of three bastards, a strumpet nine times carted or a hag whose eyes shoot poison, that has been an old witch, and is now turning into a gib-cat will ha' you? mary Don. Zucone the contempt of women, and the shame of men, that has afflicted, contemned, so choice a perfection as Dona Zoya's.  Zuc. 
Alas Fawn I confess, what wouldst ha' me do?  Herc. 
Hang yourself you shall not, marry you cannot, i'll tell ye what you shall do, there is a ship of fools setting forth, if you make good means & entreat hard, you may obtain a passageman, be masters mate I warrant yow.  Zuc. 
fawn, thou art a scurvy bitter knave, and dost flout Dons to their faces, 'twas thou flatteredst me to this, and now thou laugh'st at me, dost? though indeed I had a certain proclivity, but thou madest me resolute, dost grin and girn? O yow comforters of life, helps in sickness, joys in death, & preservers of us, in our children, after death, women, have mercy on me.  Herc. 
O my Don, that God made no other means of procreation but by these women, I speak it not to vex you.  Zuc. 
O Fawn, thou hast no mercy in thee, dost thou leer on me? well, i'll creep upon my knees to my wife, dost laugh at me? dost girn at me? dost smile? dost leer on me, dost thou? O I am an Ass, true, I am a Coxcomb, well, I am mad, good: A mischief on your cogging tongue, your soothing throat, your oily jaws, your supple hams, your dissembling smiles, and O the grand Devil on you all: when mischief favours our fortunes, and we are miserably, though justly wretched  
More pity, comfort, and more help we have  
In foes professed, then in a flattering knave. Exit  Herc. 
Thus few strike sail until they run on shelf,  
The eye sees all things but his proper self,  
In all things curiosity hath been  
Vicious at least, but herein most pernicious,  
What madness be't to search and find a wound,  
For which there is no cure? and which unfound  
near rankles, whose finding only wounds  
But he that upon vain surmise forsakes  
His bed thus long, only to search his shame,  
Gives to his wife youth, opportunity,  
Keeps her in idleful deliciousness,  
Heats and inflames imagination,  
Provokes her to revenge with churlish wrongs,  
What should he hope but this? why should it lie in women,  
Or even in chastity itself (since chastity's a female)  
T'avoid desires so ripened, such sweets so canded;  
But she that hath outborn such mass of wrongs,  
Out-dured all persecutions, all contempts,  
Suspects, disgrace, all wants, and all the mischiefs  
The baseness of a cankered churl could cast upon her,  
With constant virtue, best feigned chastity,  
And in the end turns all his jealousies,  
To his own scorn, that Lady I implore,  
It may be lawful not to praise, but even adore.  Enter Gonzago, Granuffo, with full state. Enter the Cornets sounding. Gon. 
Are our sports ready, is the Prince at hand?  Herc. 
The Prince is now arrived at the Court gate.  Gon. 
What means our daughters breathless haste?  Enter Dulcimel in haste. Dul. 
O my princely father now or never let your princely wisdom appear.  Gon. 
Fear not our daughter, if it rest within humane reason I warrant thee, no I warrant thee, Granuffo if it rest in man's capacity, speak dear daughter.  Dul. 
My Lord the Prince.  Gon. 
The Prince, what of him dear daughter?  Dul. 
O Lord what wisdom our good parents need, to shield their chickens from deceits, & wiles of kite like youth.  Gon. 
Her very phrase displays whose child she is.  Dul. 
Alas had not your grace been provident, a very Nestor in advise and knowledge, ha, where had you poor Dulcimel been now, what veins had not I been drawn into?  Gon. 
Fore God, she speaks very passionately. Alas daughter, heaven gives every man his talon, indeed virtue & wisdom are not fortune's gifts, therefore those that fortune cannot make virtuous, she commonly makes rich, for our own part we acknowledge heavens goodness, and if it were possible, to be as wise again as we are, we would near impute it to ourselves: for as we be flesh and blood, alas we are fools, but as we are Princes, Scholars, and have read Cicero de Oratore, I must confess there is another matter in't, what of the Prince dear daughter?  Dul. 
Father do you see that tree, that leans just on my chamber window?  Gon. 
What of that tree? Enter Tiberio with his train.  Dul. 
O sir, but note the policy of youth, mark but the stratagems of working love, The prince salutes me, and thus greets my ear.  Gon. 
Speak softly, he is entered.  Dul. 
Although he knew, I yet stood wavering, what to elect, because though I affected, yet destitute of means to enjoy each other, impossibility of having, might kill our hope and with our hope desires to enjoy. Therefore to avoid all faint excuses, and vain fears, thus he devised: to Dulcimel's chamber window. A well grown plain tree spreads his happy arms, by that in depth of night one may ascend, (despite all fathers jealousies and fears) into her bed.  Gon. 
Speak low, the Prince both marks and listens.  Dul. 
You shall provide a Priest (quoth he) in truth I promised & so you well may tell him, for I temporised and only held him off.  Gon. 
Politicly, our daughter to a hair.  Dul. 
With full intention to disclose it all, to your preventing wisdom.  Gon. 
I let me alone for that: but when intends he this invasion? when will this squirrel climb?  Dul. 
O Sir in that is all, when but this night?  Gon. 
This night?  Dul. 
This very night when the court revels had o'er waked your spirits, and made them full of sleep, then—  Gon. 
Then, verbum sat sapienti: go take your chamber, down upon your knees, thank god your father is no foolish sot but one that can foresee and see. Exit Dulcimel .my Lord we discharge your presence from our Court.  Tib. 
What means the Duke?  Gon: 
And if tomorrow past you rest in Urbin, the privilege of an ambassador is taken from you.  Tib. 
Good your grace some reason?  Gon. 
What, twice admonished twice again offending?  
And now grown blushless; you promised to get into  
Her chamber, she to get a priest,  
Indeed she wished me tell you she confessed it,  
And there despite all father's jealous fears,  
To consummate full joys: know Sir our daughter  
Is our Daughter, and has wit at will  
To gull a thousand easy things like you:  
But sir depart, the parliament prepared  
Shall on without you, all the Court this night  
Shall triumph, that our daughter has escaped,  
Her honours blowing up; your end you see,  
We speak but short but full, Socratice. Exit.  Remaineth Hercules and Tiberio. Tib. 
What should I think, what hope, what but imagine of thes Enigmas?  Herc. 
Sure sir the Lady loves you  
With violent passion, and this night prepares  
A Priest with nuptial rights to entertain you  
In her most private chamber.  Tib. 
This I know,  
With too much torture, since means are all unknown,  
To come unto these ends, where's this her chamber?  
Then what means shall without suspicion  
Convey me to her chamber? O these doubts,  
End in despair— Enter Gonzago hastily.  Gon. 
Sir sir this plain tree was not planted here  
To get into my daughter's chamber: and so she prayed me tell you  
What though the main arms spread into her window?  
And easy labour climbs it: Sir know  
She has a voice to speak, and bid you welcome,  
With so full breast that both your ears shall hear an't,  
And so she prayed me tell you: ha' we no brain;  
Youth thinks that age, Age knows that youth is vain. Exit  Tib. 
Why now I have it Fawn, the way, the means, & meaning, good Duke, and 'twere not for pity, I could laugh at thee, Dulcimel I am thine most miraculously, I will now begin to sigh, read Poets, look pale, go neatly, and be most apparently in love, as for—  Her. 
As for you old father.  Tib. 
Alas he and all know, this an old saw hath been,  
Faiths-breach for love, and kingdoms is no sin. Exit.  Herc. 
Where are we now, Cyllenian mercury?  
And thou quick issue of jove's broken pate  
Aid and direct us: you better stars to knowledge  
Sweet constellations that affect pure oil,  
And holy vigil of the pale cheeked Muses,  
Give your best influence, that with able sprite,  
We may correct and please, giving full light,  
To every angle of this various sense,  
Works of strong birth, end better than commence. Exit.  
Finis Actus quarti.   

ACTVS QVINTUS.  Whilst the Act is a playing, Hercules and Tiberio enters, Tiberio climes the tree, and is received above by Dulcimel, Philocalia and a Priest: Hercules stays beneath. Herc. 
Thou mother of chaste dew, nights modest lamp,  
Thou by whose saint shine, the blushing lovers,  
join glowing cheeks, and mix their trembling lips.  
In vows well kissed, rise all as full of splendour,  
As my breast is of joy- You Genital,  
You fruitful well mixed heats: O bless the sheets,  
Of yonder chamber, that Ferrara's Dukedom,  
The race of princely issue be not cursed,  
And ended in abhorred barrenness.  
At length kill all my fears, nor let it rest,  
Once more my tremblings, that my too cold son,  
(That ever scorner of humaner loves)  
Will still contemn the sweets of marriage,  
Still kill our hope of name in his dull coldness,  
Let it be lawful to make use ye powers,  
Of humane weakness, that pursueth still,  
What is inhibited, and most affects,  
What is most difficult to be obtained:  
So we may learn, that nicer love's a shade,  
It follows fled, pursued, flies as afraid,  
And in the end close all the various errors  
Of passages, most truly comical:  
In moral learning with like confidence,  
Of him that vowed good fortune of the scene,  
Shall neither make him fat, or bad make lean.  Enter Dondolo laughing. Dondol. 
Ha, ha, ha.  Her. 
Why dost laugh fool, here's nobody with thee.  Don. 
Why, therefore do I laugh, because there's nobody with me, would I were a fool alone i'faith, I am come to attend let me go, I am sent to the princess, to come & attend her father to the end of Cupid's Parliament.  Her. 
Why, ha' they sat already upon any statutes?  Don. 
Sat I, all's agreed in the neither house:  Herc. 
Why, are they divided?  Don. 
O in Cupid's Parliament, all the young gallants are o' the neither house, and all the old signiors that can but only kiss are of the upper house: is the princess above?  Herc. 
Noah sure, I think the princess is beneath, man, ha' they supped fool?  Don. 
O yes, the confusion of tongues, at the large Table is broke up, for see the presence fills; A fool, a fool, a fool my Coxcomb for a fool.  Enter Sir Amaros, Herod Nymphadon, Garbetza, Donella and Poveia. Herod. 
Stop Ass, what's matter idiot?  Don. 
O gallants, my fools that were appointed to weight on Don Cupid. have launched out their ship to purge their stomachs on the water, and before jupiter I fear, they will prove defective in their attendance.  Herod. 
Pish, fool, they'll float in with the next tide.  Don. 
ay, but whence, that? let's see mine Almanac or prognostication.  Sir Am. 
What, is this for this year?  Don. 
In true wisdom sir it is, Let me see the moon, fore pity, 'tis in the wane, what grief is this? that so great a planet should ever decline or lose splendore— full sea at-  S. Am. 
Where's the sign now fool?  Don. 
In Capricorn, Sir Amoroso.  Gar. 
What strange thing does this Almanac speak of fool?  Don. 
Is this your lady Sir Amorous?  S. Am. 
It is, kiss her fool.  Herod. 
You may kiss her now, she is married.  S: Am. 
So he might ha' done before,  Don. 
In sober modesty Sir, I do not use to do it behind.  Herod. 
Good fool be acquainted with this lady to, she's of a very honest nature I assure thee.  Don. 
I easily believe you sir, for she hath a very vile face, I assure you.  Gar. 
But what strange things does thy Almanac speak of good fool?  Don. 
That this year no child shall be begotten, but shall have a true Father.  Sir Am. 
That's good news i'faith, I am glad I got my wife with child this year,  Herc. 
Why Sir Amaros this may be, and yet you not the true father, may it not Herod?  Gar. 
But what more says it good Fawn?  Herc. 
Faith Lady very strange things, it says, that some Ladies of your hair, shall have feeble hams, short memories and very weak eye sight, so that they shall mistake their own Page, or even brother in law, sometimes for their husbands.  S. Am. 
Is that all Fawn?  Her. 
No sir Amaros, here's likewise prophesied a great scarcity of Gentry to ensue, and that some Boars shall be dubbed Sir Amoroso. A great scarcity of Lawyers is likewise this year to ensue, so that some one of them shall be entreated to take fees a both sides.  Enter Don Zuccone following Dona Zoia on his knees. Zuc. 
Most dear, dear Lady, wife, Lady, wife, O do not but look on me, and ha' some mercy.  Zoya. 
I will ha' no mercy, I will not relent.  Zuc. 
Sweet Lady.  Zoya. 
The order shall stand, I am separated, and I will be separated.  Zuc. 
dear, my love, wife.  Zoya. 
Hence fellow, I am none of thy wife, Noah I will be tyrannous and a most deep revenger, the order shall stand, I will marry a fellow that keeps a fox in his bosom, a goat under his arm holes, and a polecat in his mouth, rather than re-accept thee.  Zuc. 
Alas, by the Lord Lady what should I say? as heaven shall bless me— what should I say?  Herod. 
Kneel and cry man.  Zoya. 
Was I not handsome, generous, honest enough from my foot to my feather, for such a fellow as thou art?  Zuc. 
Alas I confess I confess.  Zoya. 
But go thy ways & wive with whom thou wilt for my part, thou hast spun a fair thread, who'll kiss thee now? who'll court thee now? who'll ha' thee now?  Zuc. 
Yet be a woman— and for God's sake help me.  Herod. 
And do not stand too stiffly.  Zucc. 
And do not stand too stiffly, do you make an Ass of me? but let these rascals laugh at me, Alas what could I do withal? 'twas my destiny that I should abuse you.  Zoya 
So it is your destiny that I should thus revenge your abuse: No the Irishman shall hate Aquavitae, the Welshman cheese and the Dutchman salt butter before i'll love or receive thee, does he cry? does the babe pule? 'tis too late now, thou shouldest ha' cried before, 'tis too late now, go bury thy head in silence, and let oblivion be thy utmost hope.  The Courtiers address themselves to dancing, whilst the Duke enters with Granuffo, and takes his state. Herc. 
Gallants to dancing, loud music, the dukes upon entrance  Gon. 
Are the sports ready?  Herc. 
Ready.  Gon. 
'tis enough, of whose invention is this Parliament?  Herc. 
Ours.  Gon. 
'tis enough, this night we will exult, O let this night  
Be ever memorized with prouder triumphs,  
Let it be writ in lasting Character,  
That this night our great wisdom did discover  
So close a practice, that this night I say,  
Our policy found out, nay dashed the drifts  
Of the young Prince, and put him to his shifts,  
Nay past his shifts, ('fore jove we could make a good Poet)  
Delight us, on, we deign our princely care  
We are well pleased to grace you, than scorn fear.  Cornets playing. Drunkenness, Sloth, Pride, & Plenty leads Cupid to his state, who is followed by Folly, war, Beggary and Laughter. 
Stand 'tis wisdom to acknowledge ignorance,  
Of what we know not, we would not now prove foolish.  
Expound the meaning of your show.  Herc. 
Triumphant Cupid that sleeps on the soft cheek  
Of rarest beauty, whose throne's in ladies' eyes,  
Whose force writhed lightning from jove's shaking hand,  
Forced strong Alcides to resign his club.  
Plucked Neptune's trident from his mighty arm,  
Unhelmed Mars, he (with those trophies borne,  
Led in by Sloth, Pride, Plenty, Drunkenness.  
followed by Folly, War, Laughter, Beggary,  
Takes his fair throne, sit pleased for now we move,  
And speak not for our glory, but for love.  Hercules takes a bowl of wine. Gonz. 
A pretty figure, what, begins this session with ceremony?  Herc. 
With a full health to our great Mistress Venus,  
Let every state of Cupid's parliament, Hercule drinks to health.  
Begin the session, quod bonum faustumque sit precor.  Gon. 
giv't us, we'll pledge, nor shall a man that lives,  
In charity refuse it, I will not be so old,  
As not be graced to honour Cupid, giv't us full,  
When we were young, we could ha' trolled it off.  
Drunk down a Dutchman.  Her. 
'tis lamentable, pity your grace has forgot it: Drunkenness, O 'tis a most fluent and swelling virtue, sure the most just of all virtues, 'tis justice itself, for if it chance to oppress and take too much, it presently restores it again. It makes the king and the peasant equal, for if they are both drunk alike, they are both beasts alike: As for that most precious light of heaven Truth, if time be the father of her, I am sure drunkenness is oftentimes the mother of her, and brings her forth, Drunkenness brings all out, for it brings all the drink out of the pot, all the wit out of the pate, and all the money out of the purse.  Gon. 
My Lord Granuffo, this Fawn is an excellent fellow.  Don. 
Silence.  Gon. 
I warrant you for my Lord here.  Cupid 
Since multitude of laws are signs either of much tyranny in the prince, or much rebellious disobedience in the subject, we rather think it fit to study, how to have our old laws thoroughly executed, than to have new statutes cumbrously invented.  Gon. 
Afore jove he speaks very well.  Her. 
O sir, one is very eloquent, makes all men good Orators, himself then must needs be eloquent.  Cup. 
Let it therefore be the main of our assembly, to survey our old laws, and punish their transgressions, for that continually the complaints of lovers ascend up to our deity, that love is abused, and basely bought and sold, beauty corrupted, affection feigned, and pleasure herself sophisticated. That young Gallants are proud in appetite, and weak in performance, that young Ladies are fantastically inconstant, old Ladies impudently unsatiate: wives complain of unmarried women, that they steal the dews belonging to their sheets: and maids exclaim upon wives, that they unjustly engross all into their own hands, as not content with their own husbands, but also purloining that which should be their comfort: Let us therefore be severe in our justice: And if any of what degree soever have approvedly offended, let him be instantly unpartially arrested and punished, read our statutes.  Herc. 
A statute made in the five thousand, four hundred, threescore and three year of the easeful reign of the mighty potent Don Cupid Emperor of sighs, and protestations, great king of kisses: Archduke of dalliance, and sole loved of him, for the maintaining and relieving of his old soldiers, maimed or dismembered in love.  Don. 
Those that are lightly hurt, shame to complain; those that are deeply struck, are past recovery.  Cupid. 
On to the next.  Herc. 
An Act against the plurality of Mistresses.  Cup. 
read.  Herc. 
Whereas some over amorous and unconscionable covetous young gallants without all grace of Venus, or the fear of Cupid in their minds, have at one time engrossed the care or cures of divers mistresses, with the charge of Ladies, into their own tenure or occupation, whereby their mistresses must of necessity be very ill and unsufficiently served, and likewise many able portly Gallants, live unfurnished of competent entertainment to the merit of their bodies: and whereas likewise some other greedy strangers have taken in the purlieus, outset land, and the ancient commons of our sovereign Liege Don Cupid, taking in his very high ways, and enclosing them, and annexing them to their own Lordships, to the much impoverishing and putting of divers of Cupid's true hearts and loyal subjects, to base and abominable shifts: be it therefore enacted by the sovereign authority and erected ensign of Don Cupid, with the assent of some of the Lords, most of the Ladies, and all the Commons, that what person or persons soever, shall in the trade of honour, presume to wear at one time two ladies' favours, or at one time shall earnestly court two women in the way of marriage, or if any under the degree of a Duke, shall keep above twenty women of pleasure, a Duke's brother fifteen, a Lord ten, a knight or a Pensioner, or both four, a gentleman two. shall ipso facto, be arrested by folly's mace, and instantly committed to the ship of fools, without either bail or mainprize, Millessimo centesimo, quingintesimo, quadragesimo nono. Cupidinis semper unius. Nymphadoro to the bar.  Nym. 
Shame a folly, will Fawn now turn an informer? does he laugh at me?  Her. 
Domina Garbetza, did he not ever protest, you were his most only elected Mistress.  Gar. 
He did.  Her. 
Domina Donella, did he not ever protest you were his most only elected Mistress?  Don. 
He did.  Herc. 
Domina Poveia, did he not ever protest, that you were his most only elected Mistress.  Pou. 
He did.  Nym. 
Mercy.  Cup. 
Our mercy is nothing, unless some Lady will beg thee.  Ladies. 
Out upon him, dissembling perfidious liar.  Her. 
Indeed 'tis no reason Ladies should beg liars.  Nym. 
Thus he that loveth many if once known, is justly plagued to be beloved of none. Exit.  Herc. 
An act against counterfeiting of Cupid's royal coin, & abusing his subjects with false money. To the bar Sir Amaros. In most lamentable form complaineth to your blind celsitude, your distressed Orators, the women of the world, that in respect that many spendthrifts, who having exhausted and wasted their substance, and in stranger parts have with empty shows, treasonably purchased ladies' affections, without being of ability to pay them for it with currant money, and therefore have deceitfully sought to satisfy them with counterfeit metal, to the great displeasure, and no small loss of your humblest subjects. May it therefore with your pitiful assent been acted, that what Lord, Knight, or gentleman soever, knowing himself insufficient, bankrupt, exhausted and wasted, shall traitorously dare to entertain any lady, as wife, or mistress, ipso facto to be severed from all commercement with women, his wife or mistress in that state offending, to be forgiven with a pardon of course, and himself instantly to be pressed to sail in the ship of fools, without either bail or mainprize.  Herc. 
Sir Amorous is arrested.  Sir Amar. 
judgement of the court.  Her. 
I take my oath upon thy brother's body, 'tis none of thine.  Amor. 
By the heart of dissemblance, this Fawn has wrought with us as strange tailors work in corporate cities, where they are not free all inward, inward, he lurked in the bosom of us, & yet we know not his profession: Sir let me have counsel?  Her. 
'tis in great Cupid's case, you may have no counsel.  Sir Amor. 
death a justice, are we in Normandy, what is my Lady's doom then?  Cup. 
Acquitted by the express parol of the statute, hence and in thy ignorance be quietly happy, away with him. on.  Her. 
An Act against forgers of love letters, false braggarts of ladies' favours, and vain boasters of counterfeit tokens.  Herod. 
'tis I, 'tis I, I confess guilty, guilty.  Herc. 
I will be most humane and right courteously languaged in thy correction, and only say, thy vice from apparent here, has made thee an apparent beggar, and now of a false knave, hath made thee a true fool: Folly to the ship with him, and twice a day let him be ducked at the mainyard.  Cup. 
Proceed.  Herc. 
An Act against slanderers of Cupid's liege ladies' names, and lewd defamers of their honours.  Zucc. 
'tis I, 'tis I, I weep and cry out, I have been a most contumelious offender, my only cry is miserere.  Cup. 
If your relenting Lady will have pity on you, the fault against our Deity be pardoned.  Zuc. 
Madam if ever I have found favour in your eyes, if ever you have thought me a reasonable handsome fellow, as I am sure before I had a beard, you might. O be merciful!  Zoya. 
Well, upon your apparent repentance, that all modest spectators may witness, I have for a short time only thus feignedly hated you, that you might ever after truly love me, upon these cautions I reaccept you: first you shall vow.  Zuc. 
I do vow, as heaven bless me, I will do.  Zo. 
What?  Zuc. 
whate'er it be, say on I beseech you.  Zo. 
You shall vow.  Zuc. 
Yes.  Zo. 
That you shall never.  Zuc. 
Never.  Zoya. 
Feign love to my waiting woman or chamber maid.  Zuc. 
No  Zoya. 
Never promise them such a farm to their marriage.  Zuc. 
No.  Zoya. 
If she'll discover but whom I affect.  Zuc. 
Never.  Zoya. 
Or if they know none that they'll but take a false oath; I do, only to be rid of me.  Zuc. 
I swear I will not, I will not only not counterfeitly love your women, but I will truly hate them an't be possible, so far from maintaining them that I will beggar them, I will never pick their trunks for letters, search their pockets, ruffle their bosoms, or tear their foul smocks, never, never.  Zoya. 
That if I chance to have a humour to be in a mask, you shall not grow jealous.  Zuc. 
Never.  Zoya. 
Or grudge at the expense.  Zuc. 
Never, I will eat mine own arms first.  Zoy. 
That you shall not search, if my chamber door hinges be oiled to avoid creaking.  Zuc. 
As I am a sensible creature—  Zoy. 
Nor ever suspect the reason why my bedchamber floor is double matted.  Zuc. 
Not as I have blood in me.  Zoya. 
You shall vow to wear clean linen, and feed wholesomely.  Zuc. 
I and highly, I will take no more Tobacco, or come to your sheets drunk, or get wenches, I will ever feed on fried frogs, broiled snails, and boiled lambstones, I will adore thee more than a mortal, observe and serve you as more than a Mistress, do all duties of a husband, all offices of a man, all services of thy creature, and ever live in thy pleasure, or die in thy service.  Zo. 
Then here my quarrel ends, thus cease all strife.  Zuc. 
Until they lose, men know not what's a wife,  
We sleight and dully view the lamp of heaven,  
Because we daily see't, which but bereaved,  
And held one little week from darkened eyes,  
With greedy wonder, we should all admire,  
Opinion of command, puts out loves fire.  Herc. 
An Act against mummers, false seemers, that abuse ladies with counterfeit faces, courting only by signs; & seeming wise only by silence.  Cup. 
The penalty.  Herc. 
To be urged to speak, & then if inward ability answer not outward seeming, to be committed instantly to the ship of fools, during great Cupid's pleasure. My Lord Granuffo to the bar, speak, speak, is not this law just?  Gra. 
just sure, for in good truth, or in good sooth, when wise men speak, they still must open their mouth.  Her. 
The brazen head has spoken.  Don. 
Thou art arrested.  Gra. 
Me?  Herc. 
And judged away.  Exit Granuffo. Gon. 
Thus silence, and grave looks with hums and haws,  
Makes many worshipped, when if tried theyare daws:  
That's the morality or envoy of it envoy of it, on.  Herc. 
An act against privy conspiracies, by which if any with ambitious wisdom, shall hope and strive to outstrip love to cross his words, and make frustrate his sweet pleasures, if such a presumptuous wisdom fall to nothing, & die in laughter, the wizard so transgressing is ipso facto adjudged to offend in most deep treason, to forfeit all his wit at the will of the Lord, and be instantly committed to the ship of fools for ever.  Gon. 
I marry sir, O might Oedipus riddle me out such a fellow, of all creatures breathing I do hate those things that struggle to seem wise, and yet are indeed very fools, I remember when I was a young man in my father's days, there were four gallant spirits for resolution, as proper for body, as witty in discourse as any were in Europe, nay Europe had not such, I was one of them; we four did all love one lady, a modest chaste virgin she was, we all enjoyed her, I well remember, and so enjoyed her, that despite the strictest guard was set upon her, we had her at our pleasure, I speak it for her honour and my credit: where shall you find such witty fellows now a days: Alas how easy it is in these weaker times to cross love tricks, ha ha ha alas, alas, I smile to think I must confess with some glory to mine own wisdom, to think how I found out and crossed, and curbed, and jerked, and firked, and in the end made desperate Tiberio's hope, Alas good silly youth, that dares to cope with age, and such a beard: I speak it without glory.  Herc. 
But what yet might your well known wisdom think  
If such a one, as being most severe,  
A most protested opposite to the match  
Of two young lovers, who having bar them speech,  
All interviews, all messages, all means,  
To plot their wished ends, even he himself,  
Was by their cunning made the go between.  
The only messenger, the token carrier,  
Told them the times when they might fitly meet,  
Nay, show'd the way to one another's bed.  Gon. 
May one have the sight of such a fellow for nothing;  
Doth their breath such an egregious Ass,  
Is there such a foolish animal in rerum natura?  
How is it possible such a simplicity can exist? let us not lose our laughing at him for God's sake, let folly's sceptre light upon him, and to the ship of fools with him instantly.  Don. 
Of all these follies I arrest your grace.  Gon. 
Me? ha, me? me varlet? me fool? ha, toth' jail with him: what varlet call me Ass, me?  Herc. 
What grave Urbin's Duke, dares folly's sceptre touch his prudent shoulders, is he a Coxcomb, no, My Lord is wise, for we all know that Urbine's Duke has eyes.  Gon. 
God a mercy Fawn, hold varlet, hold thee good Fawn railing reprobate?  Herc. 
Indeed I must confess, your grace did tell,  
And first did intimate your daughter's love,  
To otherwise most cold Tiberio,  
After conveyed her private favour to him,  
A curious scarf, wherein her needle wrought,  
Her private love to him.  Gon. 
What I do this? ha.  Herc. 
And last by her persuasion showed the youth,  
The very way and best elected time,  
To come unto her chamber.  Gon. 
Thus did I sir?  Herc. 
Thus did you sir, but I must confess,  
You meant not to do this, but were rankly gulled,  
Made a plain natural. This sure sir you did.  
And in assurance Prince Tiberio,  
Renowned, witted, Dulcimel appear,  
The acts of constant honour cannot fear. Herc. exit  Tiberio and Dulcimel above are discovered, hand in hand. Dul. 
Royally wise, and wisely royal father.  Don. 
That's sententious now, a figure called in art Ironia.  Dul. 
I humbly thank your worthy piety, that through your only means I have obtained so fit, loving & desired a husband.  Gon. 
Death, a discretion, if I should prove a fool now am not I an Ass, think you, ha? I will have them both bound together, and sent to the Duke of Ferrara presently.  Tib. 
I am sure good Father we are both bound together as fast as the Priest can make us already, I thank you for it kind father, I thank you only for't.  Her. 
And as for sending them to the Duke of Ferrara, See my good Lord, Ferrara's o'erjoyed prince, meets then in fullest wish.  Gon. 
By the Lord I am ashamed of myself, that's the plain troth, but I know now wherefore this Parliament was: what a slumber have I been in?  Herc. 
Never grieve or wonder, all things sweetly fit.  Gon. 
There is no folly to protested wit.  Herc. 
What still in wondering, ignorance doth rest,  
In private conference, your dear loved breast,  
Shall fully take. But now we change our face.    

 

  

  

   

Epilogus.  
And thus in bold, yet modest phrase we end,  
He whose Thalia with swiftest hand hath penned,  
This lighter subject, and hath boldly torn,  
Fresh bays from Daphne's arm, doth only scorn,  
Malicious censures of some envious few,  
Who think they lose if others have their due.  
But let such Adders hiss, know all the sting,  
All the vain some of all those snakes that rings  
Minerva's glassful shield can never taint,  
Poison or pierce, firm art disdains to faint,  
But yet of you that with impartial faces,  
With no prepared malice, but with graces,  
Of sober knowledge, have surveyed the frame,  
Of his sleight scene, if you shall judge his flame,  
Distemperately, weak, as faulty much,  
In style, in plot, in spirit, lo if such  
He deigns in self accusing phrase to crave,  
For praise but pardon which he hopes to have.  
Since he protests he ever hath aspired,  
To be beloved, rather than admire.  
FINIS.