THE BLACK BOOK.  
LONDON: Printed by T. C. for jeffrey Chorlton. 1604.   

THE EPISTLE to the Reader. OR The true Character of this Book.  
TO all those that are truly Virtuous, and can touch Pitch and yet never defile themselves: read the mischievous lives & pernicious practices of Villains, and yet be never the worse at the end of the Book, but rather confirmed the more in their honest Estates, and the uprightness of their Virtues: To such I dedicate myself, the wholesome intent of my labours, the modesty of my Phrases, that even blush when they discover Vices, and unmask the world's shadowed villainies: And I account him as a Traitor to Virtue, who diving into the deeps of this cunning Age, and finding there such Monsters of Nature, such speckled lumps of poison, as Panders, Harlots, and Ruffians do figure, if he rise up silent again, and neither discover or publish them to the civil Rank of sober and continent Livers, who thereby may shun those two devouring Gulfs: to wit, of Deceit and Luxury, which swallow up more Mortals, than Scy●●a and Charibdi●, those two Cormorants & Woolners of the Sea, one tearing, the other devouring: Wherefore I freely persuade myself, no virtuous spirit, or judicial Worthy, but will approve my politic Moral, whereunder the shadow of the devils Legacies, or his bequeathing to Villains, I strip their villainies naked, and bore the insectious Bulks of Craft, Cozenage, and Pandarism, the three bloodhounds of a Commonwealth: And thus far I presume, that none will or can except at this which I call the Black Book (because it doubly Damns the Devil) but some tainted Harlot, Noseless Bawd, obscene Ruffian, & such of the same black Nature, and filthy Condition, that poison the towardly Spring of Gentility, and corrupt with the mud of mischiefs the pure & clear streams of a Kingdom: And to spurgall such, who reads me shall know I dare, for I fear neither the Ratsbane of a Harlot, nor the Poniard of a Villain.  
T. M.   

A Moral.  Lucifer ascending, as Prologue to his own Play. 
NOw is Hell landed here upon the Earth,  
When Lucifer in limbs of burning gold  
Ascends this dusty Theatre of the world,  
To join his powers: and were it numbeed well.  
There are more Devils on Earth then are in Hell.  
Hence springs my damned joy, my tortured spleen  
Melts into mirthful Humour at this Fate,  
That heaven is hung so high, drawn up so far,  
And made so fast, naylde up with many a Star.  
And Hell the very shop-borrd of the Earth,  
Where when I cut out souls, I throw the shreds  
And the white linings of a new-soyld Spirit,  
Pawned to luxurious and adulterous merit.  
Yea, that's the sin, and now it takes her turn,  
For which the world shall llke a Strumpet burn:  
And for an Instance to fire false embraces,  
I make the world burn now in secret places,  
I haunt invisible corners as a Spy,  
And in adulterous Circles there rise I▪  
There am I conjured up through hot desire,  
And where Hell rises there must needs be fire:  
And now that I have vaulted up so high  
Above the Stage-rayles of this earthen Globe,  
I must turn Actor, and join Companies  
To share my Comic sleek-eyde villainies.  
For I must weave a thousand Ills in one,  
To please my black and burnt affection:  
Why? every Termtime I come up, to sow  
Dissension betwixt Ploughmen, that should sow  
The Fields vast wome, and make the harvest grow:  
So comes it oft to pass dear years befall,  
When Ploughmen leave the Field to till the Hall:  
Thus Famine and bleak death do greet the Land,  
When the Plough's held between a Lawyer's hand.  
I fat with joy to see how the poor Swains  
Do box their Country-thyes, carrying their Packets  
Of writings, yet can neither read nor write,  
They're like to Candles if they had no light:  
For they're dark within, in sense and judgement,  
As is the Hole at Newgate, and their thoughts  
Are like the men that lie there without spirit,  
This strikes my black soul into ravishing Music.  
To see Swains plod and shake their ignorant skulls:  
For they are nought but skull, their brain but Burr,  
Wanting wits marrow and the sap of judgement;  
And how they grate with their hard nayly soles  
The stones in Fleetstreet, and strike fire in Paul's:  
Nay, with heir theavie Trot, and yron-stalke,  
They have worn off the brass in the mid-walke.  
But let these pass for Bubbles and so die,  
For I rise now to breathe my Legacy:  
And make my last Will, which I know shall stand,  
As long as Bawd, or Villain strides the Land.  
For which I'll turn my shape quite out of Verse,  
Moved with the Supplication of poor Pierce,  
That writ so rarely villainous from hence,  
●or spending money to my Excellence:  
Gave me my Titles freely, for which giving,  
I rise now to take order for his Living.  
The black Knight of the Post shortly reternes  
From Hell, where many a Tabacc'mst burns:  
With news to smoky Gallants, Riotous Heirs,  
Strumpets that follow Theaters and Fairs,  
●●ded-nosde Usurers, base metaled Panders  
To Copper Captains, and Pickt-hatch Commanders.  
To all ●nsectious Catchpoles through the Town●  
The very speckled vermin of a crown:  
To these and those, and every damned one,  
I'll bequeath Legacies to thri●e upon't  
Amongst the which, I'll give for his red●esle,  
A standing Pension to Pierce-Pe●●●●●e,   

THE BLACK Book.  
NO sooner was Peirce-Pennilesse breathed forth, but I the ●●ght-b●●ning Sergeant Lu●●●ter, quenched my fiery shape, and whipped into a Constable's night gown, the cunningest habit that could be, to search Tipsy Taverns, roosting Inns, and fr●thy Ale houses, when calling together my worshipful Bench of Billmen, I proceeded toward Pickt-hatch, intending to begin their first, which (as I may fitiy name it) is the very shirts of all Brothelhouses; the watchmen poor Night-crows followed, and thought still they had had the Constable by the hand, when they had the diveil by the Gowne-s●●eue● at last I looking up to the casements of every suspected mansion, and spying a light twinekling, between hope and desperation, guessed it to be ●ome sleepy sn●ff●, ever and anon winking and nodding in the socket of a Candlestick, as if the flame has been a departing from the grea●●e body of Simon snuff the Stinkard: whereupon I the black Constable commanded my white Guard, not only to assist my Office with their brown Bills, but to raise up the house extemporie: with that the dreadful watch men having authority. standing by them, thundered at the door, whilst the Candle lightened in the Chamber, and so between thundering and lightning, the Bawd rise, first putting the Snuff to an untimely death, a cruel and a lamentable murder, and then with her fat-sag-chinne hanging down like a ●owes udder, lay reeking out at the window, demanding the reason why they did summon a Parley: I told her in plain terms, that I had a warrant to search, fr●m the Sheriff of Limbo; How? from the Sheriff of Lime-street replied Mistress W●mble-ch●nn●, (for so she understood the word Limbo, as if Limbo had been Latin for Lime-street) why then all the doors of my house shall fly open and receive you Master Constable: with that, as being the watch word, two or three vaulted out of their beds at once, one swearing stocks and stones, he could not find his stockings, other that they could not hit upon their false bodies, when to speak ●roath and shame myself, they were then as close to their flesh as they could, and never put them off since they were twelve year old: At last they shuffted up, and were shut out at the backpart, as I came in at the North part, up the stays I went to examine the Featherbeds, and car●ie the sheets before the justice, for there was none else then to carry, only the flower was strewed with Buske-pointes, silk Garters, and shoestrings, ●●attred here and there for haste to make away from me, and the farther such run, the nearer they come to me: then another door opening rearward, there came puffing out of the next room a villainous Lieutenant without 〈◊〉 Band, as if he had been new cut down, like one of Wapping, with his cruel Garters about his Neck, which filthy resembled two of Dericks' Neckelaces: he had a head of hair like one of my Devils in Doctor Faustus, when the old Theatre cracked and frighted the Audience; His Brow was made of course Bran, as if all the Flower had been bolted out to make honester men, so ruggedly moulded with ch●ps and crevices, that I wonder how it held together, had it not been pasted with villainy; His eyebrows ●etled out like the round casement of an Alderman's dining-room, which made his eyes look as if they had been both damned in his head: for if so be two souls had been so far sunk into Hell-pittes, they would never have walked abroad again: His Nostrils were cousin Germane to Coral, though of a softer condition, and of a more relenting humour; His C●weblacke Moustaches, were almost half an Ell from the end to the other, as though they would whisper him in the ear about a cheat or a murder: and his whose face in general, was more detestable only than the visage of my grim Porter Cerbe●us, which showed that all his body beside was made of filthy Dust, and seacoal ashes: A down countenance he had, as 〈◊〉 would have looked thirty mile into Hell, and sée●● Sisyph●s rolling, and Ixi●n spinning and reeling: thus in a pair of hoary Slippers, his stockings dengling about his wrists, and his read Buttons like Foxes out of their holes, he began like the true Campion of a vaulting-house, first to ●ray me with the bugbeares of his rough-cast beard, and then to sound base in mine ears, like the Bear-garden Dr●m, and this was the humour he put on, and the very apparel of his Phrases! Why? master Constable, dare you 〈…〉 our own mansion? ha! What is not our house our Cole-harbour, our Castle of come-downe, and lye-downe? must my honest wedded Punk here, my glorie-fatte Awdry be taken napping, and raised up by the thunder of Billmen? are we disanold of our first sleep? and cheated of our dreams and fantasies? Is there not Law too for stealing away a man's slumbers, as well as for sheeets off from hedges? Come you to search an honest Bawdy-house, this seven and twenty years in 〈◊〉 and shame? go too then, you shall search; nay, my very Boots too: are you well now? the least hole in my house too, are you pleased now? can we not take ou● ease in our Inn, but we most come out so quickly? Nawd, go to bed, sweet Nawd, thou wilt c●●le thy grease 〈◊〉, and make thy fat cake. This said (by the virtue and vice of my Office) I commanded my Billmen down stairs, when in a twinkling, discovering myself a little, as much as might serve to relish me, and show what stuff I was made off, I came and kissed the Bawd, hogde her excellent villainies and cunning rare conveyances, then turning myself, I threw mine arms (like a scarf or 〈◊〉) cross the Lieutenants melancholy Bosom, embraest his resolute phrases, and his dissolute humours, highly comm●nding the damnable Trade, and detestable course of their 〈◊〉, so excellent filthy, and so admirable 〈◊〉! Whereupon this Lefitenant of Pickt-hatch, fell into deeper league a●d farther acquaintance with the blackness of my bosom, sometimes calling me Master Lucifer the Headborough, sometimes Master Devillin, the little black Constable. Then telling me, he heard from Limbo the 11. of the last month, and that he had the letter to show, where they were all very merry: marry as he told me, there were some of his friends in P●legetō▪ troubled with the heartburning: yea, and with the soul burning too thought I: though thou little dreamest of the torment: then complaining to me of their bad take all the last plaguy Summer, that there was no stir, and therefore undone for want of doings, whereupon after many such inductions to bring the scene of his poverty upon the Stage, he desired in cool terms to borrow some forty pence of me; I stuffed with anger at that base and lazy petition; (knowing that a right true villain, and an absolute practised Pander) could not want silver damnation, but living upon the Revenues of his wits, might purchase the Devil and all, half conquered with rage thus I replied to his baseness.  
Why? for shame a Bawd and poor? why then let usurers go a begging, or like an old Greek stand in Paul's with a Porringer? let Brokers become whole honest then, and remove to heaven out of Hounsditch? Lawyers turn féelesse, and take Ten 〈◊〉 a poor widows tears for Ten shillings: Merchants never forswear themselves, whose great perjured ●aths a Land, turn to great winds and cast away their Ships at Sea: which false perfidious tempest splits their ships abroad, and their souls at home, making the one take salt water, and the other salt fire: let Mercers than have conscionable Thumbs, when they measure out that smooth glittering Devil Satin, and that old Reveller Velvet in the days of Mounseir, both which have devoured many an honest Field of Wheat and Barley, that hath been metamorphosed and changed into white money; puh, these are but little w●nders, and may be ●astly possible in the working; A Usurer to cry bread and meat is not a thing impossible, for indeed your greatest Usurer is your greatest Beggar, wanting as well that which he hath, as that which he hath not: then who can be a greater Beggar? he will not have his house smell like a Cook's shop, and therefore takes an order no meat shall be dressed in it▪ and because there was an House upon Fish-stréets Hill burnt to the Ground ●nce, he can abide by no means to have a fire in his Chimney ever since: to the confirming of which, I will insert here a pretty conceit of a nimble-wiltied Gentlewoman, that was worthy to be Ladyfied for the jest, who entering into a usurers House in London, to take up money upon unmerciful Interest, for the space of a Twelvemonth, was conducted through two or three hungry rooms into a fair dining Room, by a Lenten faced Fellow, the usurers man, whose Nose showoe as if it had been made of hollow Past board, and his Che●ks like two thin Parcakes clapped together: A pitiful kna●e he was, and looked for all the world as if meal● had been at twenty shillings a Bushel: the Gentlewoman being placed in this fair Room to await the usurers leisure, who was cassing up Ditches Gold in his Countinghouse, and being almost frozen with standing for it was before Kandle-ma● Frost bitten Term) ever and anon turning about to the Chimney where she saw a pair of Corpulent Gigantical Andiorns that stood like two Burgomasters at both corners, a Hearth briskly dressed up, and a great cluster of Charcoal piled up together like black Pudoing, which l●ye for a● dead fire, and in the dining Room so: the Gentlewoman wondering it was so long a kindling, at last she caught the nuscrable conce●t of it, and calling her man to her, bade him seek ou● for a piece of Chalk, or some peeling of a white Wall, whilst in the mean 〈◊〉 she conceited the Device, when taking up the six former Coals one after another, she chalked ●pon each of them a Satirical Letter, which six were these.  
T. D. C. R. V. S.  
Explaind● thus:  
These Dead Coals, Resemble usurers Souls.  
Then placing them in the same order again turning the chalked sides inward to try conclusions, which as it happened, made up the jest the better, by that time the Usurer had done amongst his golden heaps, and entertaining the Gentlewoman with a Cough a quarter of an hour long, at last after a rotten Hawk and a Hem, he began spit and speak to her: To conclude, she was furnished of the money for a twelvemonth, but upon large security and most Tragical Usury; when keeping her day the Twelvemonth after, coming to repa●e both the money and the breed of it.  
(For Interest may well be called the usurers Bastard) she found the Hearth dressed up in the same order with a dead fire of charcoal again, and yet the Thames was half frozen at that time with the bitterness of the season: when turning the formos● rank of coals, determining again as it seemed to draw some pretty knavery upon them too, she spy●d all those six● Letters which she chalked upon them the twelvemonth before, and never a one stirred or displaced: the strange sight of which, made her break into these words. Is it possible quoth she a Usurer should burn so little here, and so much in Hell? or is it the cold property of these Coals to be above a twelvemonth a kindling? so much to show the frozen Charity of a usurers Chimney.  
And then a Broker to be an honest soul, that is, to take but sixpence a month, and three pence for the Bill making: a Devil of a very good conscience? possible too, to have a Lawyer bribeless and without Fee if his clyentesse or female client please his eye well, a Merchant to wear a sut● of perjury but once a quarter, or so: mistake m● not, I mean not four times an hour, that shift were too short, ●ee could not put it on so soon I think: and lastly, not impossible for a mercer to have a Thumb in Folio, like one of the biggest of the Guard, and so give good and very bountiful measure: but which is most impossible to be a right Bawd and poor, it strikes my spleen into dullness: and turns all my blood into cool lead; Wherefore was vice ordained but to be rich, shining and wealthy, seeing virtue her opponent is poor●, ragged, and needy? those that are poor are timorous honest, and foolish harmless, as your carroling Shepherds, whistling Ploughmen, and such of the same innocent Rank, that never reiush the black juice of villan●●, never taste the red food of murder, or the damnable suckets of Lururie: whereas a Pander is the very o●le of Villainy, and the sirroppe of Rogues● of excellent Rogues I mean, such as have purchased five hundreds a year b● the Talon of their Villainy: how many such Gallants do I know, that live only upon the revenue of their wits: some whose Brains are above an hundred mile about, and those are your Geometrical thieves, which may fitly be called so, because they measure the Highways with false Gallops, and therefore are Heirs of more Acres than five and fittie elder Brothers: sometimes they are Clerks of Newemarket Heath▪ sometimes the Sheriffs of Salisbury plain; and another time they commit Brothelrye, when they make many a man stand at Hockley in the Hole. These are your great head Land lords indeed, which call the word Robbing, the gathering in of their Rents, and name all Passengers their Tenants of Will.  
Another set of delicate Knaves there are, that dive into Deeds and Writings of Lands, lest to young Gall-Finches, poisoning the true sense and intent of them, with the merciless Antimony of the Common Law, and so by some crafty Claw or two, shove the true foolish Owners quite beside the Saddle of their Patrimonies, and then they hang only by the Stirrups: that is, by the cold Alms and frozen christie of the Gentlemen-defeaters; (whom they take after me their great Grandfather) will rather stamp them down in the deep mire of poverty, then bolster up their heads with a poor wisp of charity: such as these corrupt the true meanings of lest wills and Testaments: and turn Legacies the wrong way, wresting them quite awry like Grauntum Steeple.  
The third Rank (quainter than the former) presents us with the Race of lusty Vaulting Gallant, that in stead of a French Horse practise upon their Mistresses all the nimble Tricks of Vaulting, and are worthy to be made Dukes for doing the Somerset so lively.  
This Nest of Gallants, for the natural parts that are in them, are maintained by their Drawn-work Dames, and their embroidered Mistresses, and can dispend their two thousand a year out of other men's Coffers: keep at every heel a man, beside a French Lackey, (a great Boy with a beard) and an English Page, which fills up the place of an Ingle: they have their Citie-horse (which I may well term their Stone-horse) or their Horse upon the Stones: For indeed, the City being the lusty Danie and Mistress of the Land, lays all her foundation upon good Stone-worke, and some body pays well for it, where ever it lights, and might with less cost keep London Bridge in reparations every fall, than Mistress Bridget his wife; for Women and Bridges always lack mendings and what the advantage of one Tide performs, 〈◊〉 another tide presently & w●shes away.  
Those are your Gentlemen Gallants, that seeth uppermost, and never lin galloping, till they runs over into the fire, so gloriously accounted, that they ravish the eyes of all Wantoness, and take them prisoners in their shops with a brisk suit of Apparel: they strangle and choke more Velvet in a deep ●●ther●d Hose, then would serve to line through my Lord what call ye-hims Coach.  
What need I infer more of their prodigal glistring, and their spangled damnations? when these are Arguments sufficient to show the wealth of sin, and how rich the Sons and Heirs of Tartary are: And are these so glorious so flourishing, so brimful of golden Lucifers or light Angels, and thou a Pander and poor? A Bawd and empty, apparelled in villainous Pack-thread, in a wicked Suit of course Hoppe-bagges, the wings and skirts faced with the ruins of Dishcloutes? Fie, I shame to see thee dressed up so abominable scurvy. Complain'st thou of bad doings, when there are Harlols of all Trades, and Knaves of all Languages? Knowest thou not, that sin may be committed, either in French, Dutch, jitalian, or Spanish, and all after the English fashion: But thou excuse the negligance of thy practise by the last summers Pestilence: Alas, poor Skark Gull, that put off is idle: for Sergeant Carbuncle, one of the Plagues chief Officers, dares not venture within three yards of an Harlot, because Mounseir Dry-bone the Frenchman, is a Ledger before him. At which speech, the Slave burst into a melancholy Laugh, which showed for all the world like a sad Tragedy with a Clown in't: and thus began to reply.  
I know not whether it be a Cross or a Curse, (noble Philippe of Phlegeton) or whether both, that I am forced to pink four else of Bag to make me a Summer suit, but I protest, what with this long Vacation, and the ●idging of Gallants to Norfolk, and up and down Countries, Pierce was never so Penniless, as poor Lieutenant Frig-beard.  
With those werds he put me in mind of him for whom I chiefly changed myself into an officious Constable, poor Pierce-Pennilesse: when presently I demanded of this Lieutenant the place of his abode, and when he la●t heard of him (though I knew well enough both where to hear of him, and find him) to which he made answer. Who? Pierce, honest Penniless? he that writ the Mad-cappes Supplication? why, my very next Neighbour, lying within three lean houses of me, at old Mistress Siluer-pinnes, the only doorekéeper in Europe. Why? we meet one another every Term time, and shake hands when the Exchequer opens, but when we open our hands, the Devil of Penny we can see.  
With that TWO cheered up the drooping Salve, with the Aquavitae of villainy, and put him in excellent comfort of my damnable Legacy: saying, I would stuff him with so many wealthy instructions, that he should excel even Pandarus himself, and go nine mile beyond him in Pandarism, and from thence forward he should never know a true Rascal go under his red Velvet flops; and a gallant Bawd indeed below her loose bodied-Sattin?  
This said, the slave hugged himself and bust the Bawd for joy, when presently I let them in the 〈◊〉 of their wicked Smack, and descended to my Bill men that waited in the pernicious Alley for me their Master Constable: and marching forward to the third Garden-house, there we knocked up the Ghost of mistress Siluer-pin. who suddenly risse out of two white sheeets, and acted out of her tiring-house window, but having understood who we were, and the Authority of our office, she presently eneu in her Ghosts apparel, unfolded the Doors, and gave me my free entrance, when in policy I charged the rest to stay and watch the house below, whilst I stumbled up two pair of stairs in the dark, but at last caught in mine eyes the sullen blaze of a melancholy lamp, that burned very tragically upon the rarrow Desk o● a half Bedstead, which descried all the pitiful Ruins throughout the whole chamber, the bare privities of the stonewalls were hid with two pieces of painted Cloth; but so ragged and tottreb, that one might have seen all nevertheless, hanging for all the world like the two men in Chains between Mile-end & Hackney; The Testern or the shadow, over the bed▪ was made of four else of Cobwebs, and a number of small Spinner's Ropes hung down for Curtains; the Spindleshanke Spiders which showed like great Lechers with little legs, went stalking over his head, as if they had been cunning of Tamburlayne. To conclude, there was many such sights to be seen and all under a Penny, beside the lamentable prospect of his hose and doublet, which being of old Kendal green, sitly resembled a Pitched Field, upon which trambled many a lusty Corporal: in this unfortunate Tiring-house lay poor Pierce upon a Pillow stuffed with Horsemeate, the sheeets smudged so dirtily, as if they had been stolen by night out of Saint Pulchers Churchyard when the Sexton had lest a Grave open, and so laid the dead body's wool-ward: the Coverlet was made of pieces a black Cloth clapped together, such as was scattered off the rails in Kings-Streete, at the Queen's Funeral: upon this miserable Beds-head, lay the old Copy of his Supplication in soul written hand which my black Knight of the Post conveyed to Hell: which no sooner I entertained in my hand, but with the rattling and blabbing of the papers, poor Pierce began to stretch and grate his Nose against the hard Pillow, when after a Rouse or two, he muttered these reeling words between drunk and sober, that is, between sleeping and waking.  
I should laugh ysaith, if for all this I should prove a Usurer before I die, and have never a Penny now to set up withal, I would build a Nunnery in Pickt-hatch here, and turn the walk in Paul's into a Bowling Alley; I would have the Thames leaded over, that they might play at Cony-holes, with the Arches under London- Bride. Well, and with that he waked, the devil is a mad Knae still.  
How now Pierce, (quoth I) dost thou call me Knave to my face? Whereat the poor slave started up with his hair a-tiptoe, to whom by easy degrees, I gently discovered myself, who trembling like the treble of a Lute, under the heavy finger of a Farmer's daughter, craved pardon of my damnable Excellence, and gave me my Titles as freely, as if he had known where all my Lordships lay, & how many Acts there were in Tartary: but at the length having recovered to be bold again, he unfolded all his bosom to me, told me that the Knight of Perjury had lately brought him a singed Letter, sent from a damned Friend of his: Which was thus directed, As followeth.  
From Styx to Woods close, OR The Walk of Pickt-hatch.  
AFter I saw poor Penniless grow so well acquainted with me, and so familiar with the villainy of my humour, I unlocked my determinations, and laid open my intents in particulars, the cause of my uprising being moved both with his penetrable petition and his insufferable poverty, and therefore changed my shape into a little wapper-eid Constable, to wink and blink at small faults, and through the policy of searching, to find him out the better in his cleanly Tabernacle, and therefore gave him encouragement now to be frolic, for the time was at hand like a Pickpurse, that Pierce should be called no more Pennilelie, like the majors bench at Oxford, but rather Pierce-Penny-fis. because his palm shall be pawned with Pence. This said, I bade him be resolved, and get up to Breakfast, whilst I went together my Noise of Villains together, and made his lodging my Convocation house: with that in a resulting humour, he called his Hose and Doublet to him, (which could almost go alone, borne like a Hearse upon the Legs of Vermin) whilst I thumped down stairs with my Cowe-heele, embraced Mistress Siluerpinre and betook me to my Billmen: when in a twinkling before them all, I leapt out of Master Constable's Nightgown, into an usurers ●ustie ●urde Jacket, whereat the Watchmen staggered, and all their Bills fell down in a sound: when I walked close by them laughing and coughing like a rotten-lunpde Usurer, to see what Italian faces they all made, when they missed their Constable, and saw the black Gown of his Office lie full in a puddle.  
Whell, away I scudded in the musty motheaten habit, and being upon Exchange time, I crowded myself amongst Merchants, poisoned all the Burse in a minute, and turned their Faiths and Troths, into Curds and whey, making them swear those things now, which they for-swore when the Quarters struck again: for I was present at the clapping up of every Bargain, which did near h●ld, no longer than they held hands together: there I heard news out of all Countries, in all Languages; how many Villainies were in Spain: how many Luxurs in Italy: how many Persurds in France: and how many Reele-pots in Germany.  
At last I met at half turn, one whom I had spent hoary eyes so long for, an 〈◊〉 money-maister, that had been off and on sow six and fitly years damned in his Countinghouse, for his only recreation was but to hop about the Burle before twelve, to hear what news from the Bank, and how many Merchants were bankrupt the last change of the Moon. This ramish Penny-father I rounded in the left Ear, wound in thy intent, the place and hour: Which no sooner he sucked in, but smiled upon me in French, and replied: 
O Mounseir Deiable.  
I'll be chief Guest at your Table,   
With that we shook hands: and as we parted, I bade him bring Master Cog-bill the Scrivenet along with him, and so I vanished out of that dressing. And passing through Burchen-lane, amidst a Camp Royal of Hose and Doublets, (Master Snips backside being turned where his face stood) I took excellent occasion to slip into a captains Suit, a valiant Buss, Doublet, stuffed with Points like a Leg of Mutton with Parsley, and a pair of Velvet slops, scored thick with Lgce, which ran ound about the Hose like Ringworms, able to make a man scratch where it itched not. And thus accoultred, taking up my weapons a trust in the same order, at he next Cutlers I came too, I marched to Master Bezles Ordinary, where I found a whole dozen of my damned crew sweeting as much at Dice, as many pooze labourers do with the casting of Ditches: when presently I set in a Stake amongst them: round it went; but the crafty Dice having péept upon me once, knew who I was well enough, and would never have their little black eyes of a me all the while after; at last came my turn about, the Dice quaking in my First before I threw them; but when I yerked them forth, away, they ran like Irish Lackeys, as far as their bones would suffer them.  
I sweeping up all the Stakes that lay upon the Table: whereat some-stampt, others swore, the rest cursed, and all in general fretled to the Gall, that a new Comer (as they termed me) should gather in so many Fi●teenes at th● first vomit.  
Well, thus it passed on, the Dice running as false as the Drabs in White-Fryers, ano when any one thought himself surest, in came I with a lurching cast, and made them all swear round again: But such Gun powder Oaths they were, that I wonder how the Ceiling held together without spitting Mortar upon them. Zounds, Captain swore one to me, I think the Devil be thy good Lord and Master: True, (thought I) and thou his Gentleman-usher. In conclusion, it fatted me better than twenty eightéene-pences Gr●inaries, to hear them rage, curse and swear, like so many Emperors of Darkness. And all these twelve, were of twelve several Crmpanies.  
There was your Gallant extraordinary Thief, that keeps his College of goodfellows, and will not fear to rob a Lord in his Coach for all his ten Trencher-bearers on horseback, your deep conceited Cut purse, who by the dexterity of his knife will draw out the money, and make a flame coloure-purse show like the bottomless pit, but with never a soul in't: Your cheating Bowler that will bank false of purpose, and lose a game of twelvepences to purchase his Partner twelve shillings in Bets, and so share it after the Play. Your Cheu●rell-g●tted Catch-pele, who like a Horse-litch sucks Gentlemen, and in all your twelve Tribes of Villainy, who no sooner understood the acquaint form of such an uncustomed Legacy, but they all pawnds their vicious Golls to meet there, at the hour prefixed: and to confirm their resolution the more, each slipped down his Stockin, bearing his right Knee, and so began to drink a Health, half as deep as Mother Hubburds Cellar: She that was called in for selling her working Bottle-Ale to Bookbinder's, and spurting the Froth upon Courtiers Noses. To conclude, I was their only Captain, (for so they pleased to title me) and so they all rise, Poculis manibusque, applauding my news: then the hour being more than once and once reiterated, we were all at our hands again, and so departed.  
I could tell now, that I was in many a second House in the City and Suburbs afterward, where my entertainment was not barren, nor my welcome Cheap or Ordinary. And then how I walked in Paul's to see fashions; to dive into villainous meetings, pernitions Plots, black Humours, and a Million of mischiefs, which are bred in that Cathedral Womb, and borne within less than forty weeks after. But some moy object and say; What doth the Devil walk in Paul's then? Why not, Sir, aswell as a Sergeant, or a Ruffian, or a Murtheter: may not the Devil I pray you walk in Paul's as well as the Horse go a top of Paul's, for I am sure I was not far from his Keeper. Puh, I doubt where there is no doubt, for there is no true Critic indeed, that will carp at the Devil.  
Now the Hour posted onward to accomplish the effects of my desire, to gorge every Vice full of poison, that the soul might burst at the last, and vomit out herself upon blue cakes of Brimstone. When returning home (for the purpose, in my Capiaynes apparel of Buff and Velvet) I struck mine Hostess into admiration at my proper appearance, for my Poh, foot was helped out with Bombast. A property whielt many worldings use, whose Toes are dead and rottenand therefore so stuff out their Shoes, like the corners of Wooll-Packes.  
Well, into my Tiring-house I went, where I had scarce shifted myself into the Apparel of my last Will and Testament, (which was the Habit of a covetous Barne-cracking Farmer) but all my Striptlings of Perdition, my Nephews of Damnation: my Kindred and alliance of Villainy and Sharking, were ready before the hour, to receive my Bottomless Blessing. When entering into a Country Nightgown, with a Cap of sickness about my brows. I was led in between Pierce-Pennilesse, and his Hostess, like a feeble Farmer, ready to depart England, and sail to the Kingdom of Tartary: who setting me down in a wicked Chair, all my pernicious Kinsfolks round about me, and the Scrivener between my logs (for his loves always to fit in the devils Cothouse) thus with a wha● countenance, short stooppes, and earthen dampish-voyce, the true Counterfeits of a dying C●llian, I proceeded to the black Order of my Legacies.  

The last Will and Testament of Laurence Lucifer, the old Bachelor of Limbo. ALIAS, Dick Devill-barne, the griping Farmer of Kent.  
IN the Name of Bezle-bub, Amen.  
I Laurence Lucifer, alias, Dick Devil-barne, sick in soul but not in body, being in perfect health to wicked memory: Do constitute and Ordain this my last Will and Testament irrevocable, as long as the world shall be trampled on by Villainy.  
Inprimis, I Laurence Lucifer, bequeath my soul to Hell, and my body to the Earth, amongst you all, divide me and share me equally, b●t with as much wrangling as you can, I pray: and it will be the better if you go to Law for me.  
As touching my worldly wicked Goods, I give and bequeath them in most villainous order following.  
First, I constitute and Ordain, Lieutenant Prig-beard, Arch-Ponder of England, my sole Heirs, of all such Lands, Closes and Gaps, as he within the Bounds of my gift: beside, I have certain Houses, Te●●ments, and with drawing Rooms in Shoreditch, T●●●hold-streete, White-Fryers, and Westminster: which I freely give and bequeath to the aforesaid Lieutenant, and the base Heirs truly begot of his villainous body: with this Proviso, that he sell none of the Land when he lacks money; nor make away any of the Houses to impair and weaken the Stock, no not so much as to alter the property of any of them, which is to make them honest against their wills, but to train and muster his wits upon the Mile-end of his Mazzard, rather to fortify the Territories of Tunbold-street, and curich the County of Pickt-Hatch, with all his vicious Endeavours: golden Enticements, and damnable Practices. And lieutenant, thou must dive (as thou usest to do) into Lauded Novices, who have only wit to be irish and no more, that so their Tenants trotting up to London with with their Quarterages, they may pay them the rent, but thou and thy College shall receive the money.  
Let no young rigle-eyde damosel (if her years have struck twelve once) be left unassaulted, but it must be thy Office to lay hard siege to her honesty: and to try if the walls of her Maidenhead may be scaled wish a ladder of Angels: for one ●ere of such Wenches will bring in more all years end, than an hundred Acres of the best harrowed Land between Detford and Dover: and take this for a Note by the way, you must neu●r walk without your Deuce, or Dew●e-Ace of Drabs, after your Boote-héeles: for when you are abroad you know not what use you may have for them. And lastly (if you be well feed by some riosons Galiant) you must practise, (as indeed you do) to wind out a wanton Veluet-cap and Bodkin from the tangles of her Shop, teaching her (you knew how) to cast a Cuckold's Mist before the eyes of her Husband, which is, telling him, she must see her Coozeu, new come to Town: or that she goes to a woman's Labour: when thou knowest well enough, she goes to none but her own: and being set out of the Shop, (with her man afore her, to quench the jealousy of her Husband) she by thy instructions shall turn the honest simple fellow off, at the next turning, and give him leave to see the merry Devil of Edmonton, or a Woman killed with kindness: when his Mistress is going herself to the same murder. Thousand of such inventions, practises and devices, I stuff thy Trade withal: beside the luxurious meetings at Taverns, ten pound suppers, and flitéene pound reckonings, made up afterwards with riotous Eggs and Muscadine. All these female vomits, and adulterous Surfeits, I give and bequeath to thee, which I hope thou wilt put in practise with all expedition, after my decease: and to that end, I ordain thee wholly and solely, my only absolute, excellent, villainous Heir.  
Item, I give and bequeath to you Gregory Gauntlet, high Thief on Horseback; all such sums of Money, that are nothing due to you, and to receive them in, whether the Parties be willing to pay you or no. You need not make many words with them, but only these two: Stand, and deliver; and therefore a true thief cannot choose but be wise, because he is a man of so very few words.  
I need not instruct you, I think Gregory, about the politic searching of crafty carriers Packs, or ripping up the bowels of wide Boots, and Cloake-bagges, I do not doubt but you have already exercised them all. But one thing I especially charge you of: the neglect of which makes many of your Religion sender their wine-pipes at Tyburn, at least three Months before their day: that if you chance to rob a virtuous Townsman on Horseback, with his wife upon a Pillion behind him, you presently speak them fair to walk a Turn or two at one side, where binding them both together like Man and Wife, arm in arm very lovingly: Be sure you tie them hard enough, for fear they break the bonds of Matrimony, which if it should fall out so, the matter would lie sore upon your Necks the next Sessions after, because your negligent tying, was the cause of that breach between them.  
Now, as for your Welsh Hue and Cry (the only Net to catch thieves in) I know you avoid well enough, because you can shift both your Beards and your Towns well, but for your better disguising, hence forward I will fit you with a Beard-maker of mine own: One that makes all the false hairs for my Devils, and all the Periwigs that are worn by old Courtiers, who take it for a pride in their bald days to wear yellow Curls on their Foreheads, when one may almost see the Sun go to bed through the chinks of their faces.  
Moreover Gregory, because I know thee toward enough, and thy arms full of feats, I make the Keeper of Come-Parke; Sergeant of Salisburie-Plaine; Warden of the Standing-places; and lastly, Constable of all Heaths, Holes, Highways, and Conny-groves: hoping that thou wilt execute these Places and Offices as truly, as Dericke will execute his place and Office at Tyburn.  
I give and bequeath to thee Dick Dogge-man, G●aund-Catchpole, (over and above thy bare-bone Fees, that will scarce hang wicked flesh on thy back) all such furches, Gripes and Squéezes, as may be wrung out by the fist of extortion.  
And because I take pillie on thee, wayfing so usest as thou ere to do, 〈◊〉 thou canst land on● Fare at the Counter, watching sometimes ten hours together in an Alehouse, ever and anon peeping forth and sampling thy Nose with the red Lattice: let him whosoever that falls into thy Clutches at night, pay well for thy standing all day: And cousin Richard when thou hast caught him in the Moustray of thy liberty with the cheese of thy office, the wire of thy hard fist being clapped down upon his Shoulders, and the back of his estate almost broken to pieces; then call thy cluster of fellow-vermins together, and sit in triumph with thy prisoner at the upper end of a Ta●ene table, where under the colour of showing him favour (as you term it) in waiting for Bail, thou and thy Counter-liche, may swallow down six Gallons of Charnico, and then begin to chafe that he makes you stay so long-before Peter bail comes: And here it will not be amiss if you call in more wine-suckers, and damn as many Gallons again; for you know your prisoner's ransom will pay for all: this is if the party be flush now, and would not have his credit copparde with a scut●ey Counter.  
Another kind of rest you have which is called Shoopenny, that is, when you will be paid for every stride you take: and if the Channel be dangerous and ruff, you will not step over under a Noble: a very excellent Lurch to get up the price of your legs, between Powles-chaine and Ludgate.  
But that which likes me beyond measure, is the villainous nature of that arrest which I may fitly term by the name of Cog-oulshder, when you clap a both sides like old Rowse in Cornewell, and receive double Fee both from the Creditor and the Debtor, swearing by the post of your office to shoulder-clap the party, the first time he lights upon the Limetwigs of your liberty, when for a little usurers Oil, you allow him day by day free passage to walk by the wicked precinct of your Noses, and yet you will pimple your souls with oaths, till you make them as well favoured as your faces, and swear he never came within the verge of your eyelids: nay more, if the Creditor were present to see him arrested on the one side, and the party you wot on, over the way at the other side, you have such acquaint shifts, pretty hindrances, and most Lawyerlike delays ere you will set forward, that in the mean time he may make himself away in some by Alley, or rush into the Bowels of some Tavern, or drinking school; or if neither, you will find talk with some Sharke-shift by the way, and give him the marks of the party, who will presently start before you, give the Debtor Intelligence, and so a rotten Fig for the Catchpole. A most witty, smooth, and damnable conveyance: many such running devices breed in the reins of your offices: beside I leave to speak of your unmerciful dragging a Gentleman through Fleetstreet, to the utter confusion of his white Feather, and the lamentable spattring of his Pearl colour 〈◊〉 Stockings, especially when some six of your black Dogs of Newgate are upon him at once. Therefore sweet cousin Richard for you are the nearest kinsman I have I give and bequeath to you no more than you have already, for you are so well gorged and stuffed with that, that one spoonful of villainy more, would over-lay your stomach quite, and I fear me make you kick up all the rest.  
Item, I give and bequeath to you Benedick Bottomless, most deep Cutpurse, all the benefit of Pageant-dayes, great market-days, Ballat-places, but especially the Sir Penny Rooms in Playhouses, to Cut, Dive, or Nim, with as much speed, Art, and dexterity, as may be handled by honest Rogues of thy quality. Nay, you shall not stick Benedick, to give a shave of your Office at Paul's Cross in the Sermon time: but thou hold'st it a thing thou mayst do by law, to cut a Purse in Westminster Hall. True, Bevedicke, if thou be sure the Law be on that fide thou cuttest it on.  
Item, I give and bequeath to you, old Bias, Alias, Humphrey Hollow-banke, true cheating Bowler, and Lurcher, the one half of all false Bets, Cunning Hooks, subtle Ties, and Crosse-layes, that are ventured upon the landing of your Bowl, and the safe arriving all the Haven of the Mistress, if it chance to pass all the dangerous Rocks and Rubs of the Alley, and be not choked in the sand, like a Merchant's Ship, before it comes half way home, which is none of your fault (you'll say and swear) although in your own turnde-conscience you know, that you threw it abou● three yards short out of hand, upon very set purpose.  
Moreover, Humphrey, I give you the lurching of all young Novices, Citizens sons, and Country Gentlemen, that are hooked in by the winning of one Twelvepenny Game at first, lost upon policy, to be cheated of Twelve pounds worth-a Bets afterward. And old Bias, because thou art now and then smelled out for a Coosner, I would have thee sometimes go disguised (in honest apparel) and so drawing in amongst Bunglers and kellers, under the plain Frieze of simplicity, thou mayst finely couch the wrought-veluet of Knavery.  
Item, I give and bequeath to your Cousin Germane here, Francis Finger-false, Deputy of Di●inghouses, all cunning Lifts, Shifts, and Couches, that ever were, are, and shall be invented, from this hour of a Leaven-clocke upon black Monday, until it smite Twelve a clock at Doomsday: and this I know Francis, if you do endoure to excel, as I know you do, and will truly practise falsely, you may live more gallanter far upon three Dice, than many of your foolish Heirs about London, upon thrice three hundred Apr●s.  
But ●urning my Legacy to you-ward, Barnaby Burning-glasse, stretch Tabacco-taker of England, in Ordinaries, upon Stages both common and private, and lastly, in the Lodging of your Drab and Mistress: I am not a little proud, I can tell you Barnaby, that you dance after my Pipe so long: and for all Coun●erblasts and Tabacco-Nashes (which some call Railers) you are not blown away, nor your fiery thirst quenched with the small Penny-Ale of their contradictions, but still suck that dug of Damnation, with a long nipple, still burning that rare Phoenix of Phlegeton Tobacco, that from her ashes burnt and knocked out, may ari●e another pipeful: Therefore I give and bequeath unto thee, a breath of all religions, save the true one, and tasting of all countries, save his own: a brain well footed, where the Muses hang up in the smoke like red Herrings: and look how the narrow all●y of thy pipe shows in the inside, so shall all the pipes through say body. Besides, I give and bequeath to thy kings, as smooth as jet, and just of the same colour, that when thou art closed in thy grave, the worms may be consumed with them, and take them for black Puddings.  
Lastly, not least, I give and bequeath to thee Pierce-pennelesse, exceeding poor Scholar, that hath made clean shoes in both Universities, and been a pitiful Batler all thy life time, full often heard with this lamentable cry at the Buttery-hatch Ho Lancelot, a Cewe of bread, and a Cewe of beer, never passing beyond the confines of a farthing, nor once monching commons, but only upon Gaudy days: To thee most miserable Pierce, or pierced through and through with misery, I bequeath the tithe of all Vaulting Houses, the tenth ●eneere of each heigh pass come a fit: beside the playing in & out of all wenches at thy pleasure, which I know as thou mayst use it, will be such a fluent pension, that thou shalt never have need to write Supplication again.  
Now for the especial tr●st and confidence I have in both you, Mihell Money God Usurer, and Leonard Lavender Braker, or pawne-lender, I make you two my full Executors to the true disposing of all these my hellish intents, wealthy villainies, and most pernitions damnable Legacies.  
And now kinsmen and friends, wind about me, my breath begins to cool, and all my powers to 〈◊〉 se. And I can say no more to you Nephews than I have said, only this, I leave you all like Ratsbane so poison the realm. And I pray, be all of you as arrant villain●s as you can be, and so farewell, be all hanged, and come down to me as soon as you can.  
This said, he departed to his mo●lton kingdom, the wind risse, the bottone of the Chair flew out, the Scrivener fell flat upon his nose, and here is the end of a harmless Moral.  
FINIS.    

Now Sir, what is your censure now? you have read me I am sure: am I black enough think you, dressed up in a lasting suit of Ink? Do I deserve my Dark and pitchy Title? Stick I close enough to a villains Ribs? Is not Lucifer liberal to his Nephews, in this his last Will and Testament? Methinks I hear you say-nothing: and therefore I know you are pleased and agree to all: for Qui tacit consentire videtur: And I allow you wise, and truly judicious, because you keep your Censure to yourself.  
FINIS.