A CHASTE maid IN Cheapside. A Pleasant conceited Comedy never before printed. As it hath been often acted at the Swan on the Bankside, by the Lady ELIZABETH her Servants.  
By THOMAS Middleton Gent.  
LONDON, Printed for Francis Constable dwelling at the sign of the Crane in Paul's Churchyard. 1630.   

The Names of the principal Persons.  

Mr YELLOWHAMMER, A goldsmith.  
Maudlin, His Wife.  
TIM, Their Son.  
MOLL, Their Daughter.  
TUTOR to TIM.  
Sir WALTER WHOREHOUND, A Suitor to MOLL.  
Sir OLIVER KIXE, and his Wife, Kin to Sir WALT.  
Mr ALLWIT, and his Wife, Whom Sir WALT. keeps.  
WELCH GENTLEWOMAN, Sir WALT. Whore.  
WAT and Nick, His Bastards.  
DAVY dahumma, His Man.  
TUCHWOOD SENIOR, and his Wife, A decayed Gentleman.  
TUCHWOOD JUNIOR, Another Suitor to MOLL.  
2 PROMOTERS.  
SERVANTS.  
WATERMEN.    

A Chaste Maid in Cheapside.  

Actus Primus.  Enter Maudlin and Moll, a Shop being discovered. Maudline. 
Have you played over all your old Lessons o'the Virginals?  Moll. 
Yes.  Maudl. 
Yes, you are a dull Maid o'late, methinks you had need have somewhat to quicken your Green Sickness, do you weep? A Husband. Had not such a piece of Flesh been ordained, what had us Wives been good for? To make Salads, or else cried up and down for sampire. To see the difference of these Seasons, when I was of your youth, I was lightsome, and quick, two years before I was married. You fit for a knight's bed, drowsy browed, dull eyed, drossy spirited, I hold my life you have forgot your Dancing: When was the Dancer with you?  Moll. 
The last week.  Maudl. 
Last week, when I was of your board, he missed me not a night, I was kept at it, I took delight to learn, and he to teach me, pretty brown Gentleman, he took pleasure in my company, but you are dull, nothing comes nimbly from you, you dance like a plumber's Daughter, and deserve two thousand pound in Lead to your marriage, and not in goldsmith's Ware.  Enter Yellow-hammer. Yell. 
Now what's the din betwixt Mother and Daughter, ha?  Maudl. 
Faith small, telling your Daughter Marry of her Errors.  Yell. 
Errors, nay the City cannot hold you Wife, but you must needs fetch words from Westminster, I ha' done i'faith, has no attorney's clerk been here a late, and changed his half-crown-piece his Mother sent him, or rather cozened you with a guilded Twopence, to bring the word in fashion, for her faults or cracks, in duty and obedience, term 'em eeve so sweet Wife. As there is no Woman made without a Flaw, your purest Lawns have Frays, and cambrics Bracks.  Maudl. 
But 'tis a Husband solders up all Cracks.  Moll. 
What is he come Sir?  Yell. 
Sir walter's come.  
He was met at Holborn Bridge, and in his company, a proper fair young Gentlewoman, which I guess by her red Hair, and other rank descriptions, to be his landed Niece, brought out of Wales, which Tim our Son (the Cambridge Boy) must marry.  
'Tis a match of Sir welter's own making to bind us to him, and our Heirs for ever.  Maudl. 
We are honoured then, if this Baggage would be humble, and kiss him with devotion when he enters.  
I cannot get her for my life to instruct her Hand thus, before and after, which a Knight will look for, before and after.  
I have told her still, 'tis the waving of a Woman does often move a Man, and prevails strongly.  
But sweet, ha' you sent to Cambridge, (has Tim word an't?)  Yell. 
Had word just the day after when you sent him the Silver Spoon to eat his Broth in the Hall, amongst the Gentlemen Commoners.  Maudl. 
O 'twas timely.  Enter Porter. Yell. 
How now?  Port. 
A Letter from a Gentleman in Cambridge.  Yell. 
O one of Hobson's Porters, thou art welcome.  
I told thee Maud we should hear from Tim. Amantissimis charissimisque ambobus parentibus patri & matri.  Maudl 
What's the matter?  Yell. 
Nay by my troth, I know not, ask not me, he's grown too verbal, this Learning is a great Witch.  Maud. 
Pray let me see it, I was wont to understand him.  
Amantissimus charissimus, he has sent the carrier's Man he says: ambobus parentibus, for a pair of Boots: patri & matri, pay the Porter, or it makes no matter.  Port. 
Yes by my faith Mistress, there's no true construction in that, I have took a great deal of pains, and come from the Bell sweating. Let me come to't'te, for I was a Scholar forty years ago, 'tis thus I warrant you: Matri, it makes no matter: ambobus parentibus, for a pair of Boots: patri, pay the Porter: amantissimis charissimis, he's the carrier's Man, and his name is Sims, and there he says true, forsooth my name is Sims indeed, I have not forgot all my learning. A Money matter, I thought I should hit on't.  Yell. 
Go thou art an old Fox, there's a Tester for thee.  Port. 
If I see your Worship at Goose Fair, I have a Dish of Birds for you.  Yell. 
Why dost dwell at Bow?  Port. 
All my life time Sir I could ever say Bo, to a Goose. Farewell to your Worship.  Exit Porter. Yell. 
A merry Porter.  Maudl. 
How can he choose but be so, coming with Cambridge Letters from our Son Tim?  Yell. 
What's here, maximus diligo, Faith I must to my learned Counsel with this gear, 'twill ne'er be discerned else.  Maudl. 
Go to my x then, at Inns of Court.  Yell. 
Fie they are all for French, they speak no Latin.  Maudl. 
The Parson then will do it.  Enter a Gentleman with a Chain. Yell. 
Nay he disclaims it, calls Latin Papistry, he will not deal with it. What is't you lack Gentleman?  Gent. 
Pray weigh this Chain.  Enter Sir Walter Whorehound, Welch Gentlewoman, and Davy Dahanna. S. Walt. 
Now Wench thou art welcome to the Heart of the City of London.  W. Gent. 
Dugat a whee.  S. Walt. 
You can thank me in English if you list.  W. Gent. 
I can Sir simply.  S. Walt. 
'Twill serve to pass Wench, 'twas strange that I should lie with thee so often, to leave thee without English, that were unnatural, I bring thee up to turn thee into Gold Wench, and make thy fortune shine like your bright Trade, a goldsmith's Shop sets out a City Maid. Davy Dahanna, not a word.  Dau. 
Mum, mum Sir.  S. Walt. 
Here you must pass for a pure Virgin.  Dau. 
Pure Welsh Virgin, she lost her Maidenhead in Brekenockeshire.  S. Walt. 
I hear you mumble Davy.  Dau. 
I have Teeth Sir, I need not mumble yet this forty years.  S. Walt. 
The Knave bites plaguely.  Yell. 
What's your price Sir?  Gent. 
A hundred pound Sir.  Yell. 
A hundred marks the utmost, 'tis not for me else.  
What Sir Walter Whorehound?  Moll. 
O Death.  Exit Moll. Maud. 
Why Daughter.  
Faith the Baggage a bashful Girl Sir, these young things are shamefast, beside you have a presence sweet Sir Walter, able to daunt a Maid brought up i'the City,  Enter Marry. 
A brave Court Spirit makes our virgin's quiver, and kiss with trembling Thighs. Yet see she comes Sir.  S. Walt. 
Why how now pretty Mistress, now I have caught you. What can you injure so your time to stray thus from your faithful Servant.  Yell. 
Pish, stop your words good Knight, 'twill make her blush else, which wound too high for the Daughters of the Freedom, honour, and faithful Servant, they are compliments for the worthies of Whitehall, or Greenwich, e'en plain, sufficient, subsidy words serves us Sir. And is this Gentlewoman your worthy Niece?  S. Walt. 
You may be bold with her on these terms, 'tis she Sir, Heir to some nineteen Mountains.  Yell. 
Bless us all, you overwhelm me Sir with love and riches.  S. Walt. 
And all as high as Paul's.  Dau. 
Here's work i'faith.  S. Walt. 
How sayest thou Davy?  Dau. 
Higher Sir by far, you cannot see the top of 'em.  Yell. 
What Man? Maudlin salute this Gentlewoman, our Daughter if things hit right.  Enter Tuchwood junior. T.I. 
My Knight with a brace of Footmen, is come and brought up his Ewe Mutton, to find a Ram at London, I must hasten it, or else pick a Famine, her blood's mine, and that's the surest. Well Knight, that choice spoy is only kept for me.  Moll. 
Sir?  T.I. 
Turn not to me till thou mayst lawfully, it but whets my stomach, which is too sharp set already. Read that note carefully, keep me from suspicion still, nor know my zeal but in thy Heart: read and send but thy liking in three words, I'll be at hand to take it.  Yell. 
O turn Sir, turn.  
A poor plain Boy, an University Man, proceeds next Lent to a Bachelor of Art, he will be called Sir Yellowhammer then over all Cambridge, and that's half a Knight.  Maudl. 
Please you draw near, and taste the welcome of the City Sir?  Yell. 
Come good Sir Walter, and your virtuous Niece here.  S. Walt. 
'Tis manners to take kindness.  Yell. 
Lead 'em in Wife.  S. Walt. 
Your company Sir.  Yell. 
I'll give't you instantly.  T.I. 
How strangely busy is the Devil and riches,  
Poor Soul kept in too hard, her Mother's Eye, is cruel toward her, being to him, 'twere a good mirth now to set him a work to make her wedding Ring. I must about it.  
Rather than the gain should fall to a Stranger, 'twas honesty in me to enrich my Father.  Yell. 
The Girl is wondrous peevish, I fear nothing, but that she's taken with some other love, then all's quite dashed, that must be narrowly looked to, we cannot be too wary in our Children. What is't you lack?  T.I. 
O nothing now, all that I wish is present.  
I would have a wedding Ring made for a Gentlewoman, with all speed that may be.  Yell. 
Of what weight Sir?  T.I. 
Of some half ounce, stand fair and comely, with the Spark of a Diamond.  
Sir 'twere pity to lose the least grace.  Yell. 
Pray let's see it, indeed Sir 'tis a pure one.  T.I. 
So is the Mistress.  Yell. 
Have you the wideness of her Finger Sir?  T.I. 
Yes sure I think I have her measure about me, good faith 'tis down, I cannot show't you,  
I must pull too many things out to be certain.  
Let me see, long, and slender, and neatly jointed,  
Just such another Gentlewoman that's your Daughter Sir.  Yell. 
And therefore Sir no Gentlewoman.  T.I. 
I protest I never saw two Maids handed more alike  
I'll ne'er seek farther, if you'll give me leave Sir.  Yell. 
If you dare venture by her Finger Sir.  T.I. 
ay, and I'll bide all loss Sir.  Yell. 
Say you so Sir, let's see hither Girl.  T.I. 
Shall I make bold with your finger Gentlewoman?  Moll. 
Your pleasure Sir.  T.I. 
That fits her to a hair Sir.  Yell. 
What's your Posy now Sir?  T.I. 
Mass that's true, Posy i'faith e'en thus Sir.  
Love that's wise, blinds parents' Eyes.  Yell. 
How, how, If I may speak without offence Sir,  
I hold my life  T.I. 
What Sir?  Yell. 
Go too, you'll pardon me?  T.I. 
Pardon you? I Sir.  Yell. 
Will you i'faith?  T.I. 
Yes faith I will.  Yell. 
You'll steal away some Man's Daughter, am I near you?  
Do you turn aside? You Gentlemen are mad Wage, I wonder things can be so warily carried, and Parents blinded so, but they're served right that have two Eyes, and were so dull a fight.  T.I. 
Thy doom take hold of thee.  Yell. 
Tomorrow noon shall show your Ring well done.  T.I. 
Being so 'tis soon, thanks, and your leave sweet Gentlewoman  Exit. Moll. 
Sir you are welcome.  
O were I made of wishes, I went with thee.  Yell. 
Come now we'll see how the rules go within.  Moll. 
That robs my joy, there I lose all I win.  Exit. Enter Davy and Allwit severally. Dau. 
Honesty wash my Eyes, I have spied a Wittol.  All. 
What Davy Dahanna, welcome from North Wales  
i'faith, and is Sir Walter come?  Dau. 
Now come to Town Sir.  All. 
Into the Maid's sweet Davy, and give order his Chamber be made ready instantly, my Wife's as great as she can wallow Davy, and longs for nothing but pickled cucumbers, and his coming, and now she shall hait Boy.  Dau. 
She's sure of them Sir.  All. 
Thy very sight will hold my Wife in pleasure, till the Knight come himself. Goin, in, in Davy.  Exit. 
The Founders come to Town, I am like a Man finding a Table furnished to his hand, as mine is still to me, prays for the Founder, bless the right Worshipful, the good founder's life.  
I thank him, h'as maintained my House this ten years, not only keeps my Wife, but 'a keeps me, and all my Family, I am at his Table, he gets me all my Children, and pays the Nurse, monthly, or weekly, puts me to nothing, rent, nor Church duties, not so much as the Scavenger, the happiest state that ever Man was borne to.  
I walk out in a morning, come to breakfast,  
Find excellent Cheer, a good Fire in Winter,  
Look in my Coal-house about Midsummer-eve,  
That's full, five or six cauldron, new laid up,  
Look in my back yard, I shall find a steeple  
Made up with Kentish faggots, which o'erlooks  
The Water-House and the Windmills, I say nothing  
But smile, and pin the door, when she lies in,  
As now she's even upon the point of grunting,  
A Lady lies not in like her, there's her embossings,  
embroidering, spanglings, and I know not what,  
As if she lay with all the gaudy Shops  
In Gressam's burse about her, than her restoratives,  
Able to set up a young Pothecary,  
And richly stock, the Foreman of a Drug-shop.  
Her Sugar by whole Loaves, her Wines by roundlets.  
I see these things, but like a happy Man,  
I pay for none at all, yet Fools think's mine,  
I have the name, and in his Gold I shine.  
And where some Merchants would in Soul kiss Hell,  
To buy a Paradise for their Wines, and die  
Their Conscience in the Bloods of prodigal Heirs,  
To deck their Night-piece, yet all this being done,  
Eaten with jealousy to the inmost Bone,  
As what affliction Nature more constrains,  
Then feed the Wife plump, for another's veins.  
These torments stand I freed of, I am as clear  
From jealousy of a Wife, as from the charge.  
O two miraculous blessings, 'tis the Knight  
Hath took that labour, all out of my hands,  
I may sit still and play, he's jealous for me,  
Watches her steps, sets spies, I live at ease,  
He has both the cost and torment, when the strings  
Of his Heart frets, I feed, laugh, or sing,  
La dildo, dildo la dildo, la dildo dildo de dildo.  Enter two Servants. 1 
What has he got a singing in his Head now?  2 
Now's out of work he falls to making dildoes.  All. 
Now Sirs, Sir walter's come.  1 
Is our Master come?  All. 
Your Master, what am I?  1 
Do not you know Sir?  All. 
Pray am not I your Master?  1 
O you are but our Mistress's Husband.  Enter Sir Walter, and Davy. All. 
Ergo Knave, your Master.  1 
Negatur argumentum. Here comes Sir Walter, now a stands bare as well as we, make the most of him he's but one peep above a Servingman, and so much his horns make him.  S. Walt. 
How dost Jack?  All. 
Proud of your worship's health Sir.  S. Walt. 
How does your Wife?  All. 
e'en after your own making Sir,  
She's a tumbler a faith, the Nose and Belly meets.  S. Walt. 
they'll part in time again.  All. 
At the good hour, they will and please your worship.  S. Walt. 
Here Sirrah, pull off my Boots. Put on, but on Jack.  All. 
I thank your kind worship Sir.  S. Walt. 
Slippers, Heart you are sleepy.  All. 
The game begins already.  S. Walt. 
Pish, put on Jack.  All. 
Now I must do it, or he'll be as angry now, as if I had put it on at first bidding, 'tis but observing, 'tis but observing a Man's humour once, and he may ha' him by the Nose all his life.  S. Walt. 
What entertainment has lain open here,  
No strangers in my absence?  1 Seru. 
Sure Sir not any.  All. 
His jealousy begins, am not I happy now  
That can laugh inward whilst his Marrow melts?  S. Walt. 
How do you satisfy me?  1 Ser. 
Good Sir be patient.  S. Walt. 
For two months' absence I'll be satisfied.  1 Ser. 
No living Creature entered.  S. Walt. 
Entered, come swear.  1 Ser. 
You will not hear me out Sir.  S. Walt. 
Yes I'll hear't out Sir.  1 Seru. 
Sir he can tell himself.  S. Walt. 
Heart he can tell,  
Do you think I'll trust him? As a Usurer  
With forfeited Lordships. Him, o monstrous injury!  
Believe him, can the Devil speak ill of Darkness?  
What can you say Sir?  All. 
Of my soul and conscience Sir, she's a Wife as honest of her Body to me, as any Lords proud Lady can be.  S. Walt. 
Yet by your leave, I heard you were once offering to go to bed to her.  All. 
No I protest Sir.  S. Walt. 
Heart if you do, you shall take all, I'll marry.  All. 
O I beseech you Sir,  S. Walt. 
That wakes the Slave, and keeps his Flesh in awe.  All. 
I'll stop that gap  
where'er I find it open, I have poisoned  
His hopes in marriage already,  
Some old rich widows, and some landed Virgins,  Enter two Children. 
And I'll fall to work still before I'll lose him,  
He's yet too sweet to part from.  1 Boy. 
God-den Father.  All. 
Ha Villain, peace.  2 Boy. 
God-den Father.  All. 
Peace Bastard, should he hear 'em. These are two foolish Children, they do not know the Gentleman that sits there.  S. Walt. 
Oh Wat, how dost Nick? Go to School,  
Ply your Books Boys, ha?  All. 
Where's your Legs Whore sons? They should kneel indeed if they could say their Prayers.  S. Walt. 
Let me see, stay,  
How shall I dispose of these two Brats now  
When I am married, for they must not mingle  
Amongst my Children that I get in Wedlock,  
'Twill make foul work that, and raise many storms.  
I'll bind What Prentice to a Goldsmith, my Father Yellowh.  
As fit as can be. Nick with some Vintner, good, Goldsmith  
And Vintner, there will be Wine in Boles i'faith.  Enter Allwit's Wife. Wise. 
Sweet Knight  
Welcome, I have all my longings now in Town,  
Now welcome the good hour.  S. Walt. 
How cheers my Mistress?  Wife. 
Made lightsome, e'en by him that made me heavy.  S. Walt. 
methinks she shows gallantly, like a Moon at full Sir.  All. 
True, and if she bear a Male child, there's the Man in the Moon Sir.  S. Walt. 
'Tis but the Boy in the Moon yet Goodman Calf.  All. 
There was a Man, the Boy had never been there else.  S. Walt. 
It shall be yours Sir.  All. 
No by my troth, I'll swear it's none of mine, let him that got it keep it, thus do I rid myself of fear, Lie soft, sleep hard, drink Wine, and eat good cheer.   

Actus Secundus.  Enter Tuchwood Senior, and his Wife. Wife. 
'Twill be so tedious Sir to live from you,  
But that necessity must be obeyed.  T.S. 
I would it might not Wife, the tediousness  
Will be the most part mine, that understand  
The blessings I have in thee, so to part  
That drives the torment to a knowing Heart,  
But as thou sayst, we must give way to need  
All live awhile asunder, our desires  
Are both too fruitful for our barren fortunes.  
How adverse runs the destiny of some Creatures,  
Some only can get riches and no Children,  
We only can get Children and no riches,  
Then 'tis the prudent's part to check our wills,  
And till our state rise, make our Bloods lie still.  
'Life every year a Child, and some years two,  
Besides, drinkings abroad, that's never reckoned,  
This gear will not hold out.  Wife. 
Sir for a time, I'll take the courtesy of my uncle's House  
If you be pleased to like on't, till prosperity  
Look with a friendly Eye upon our states.  T.S. 
Honest Wife I thank thee, I ne'er knew  
The perfect treasure thou brought'st with thee more  
Than at this instant minute. A Man's happy  
When he's at poorest that has matched his Soul  
As rightly as his Body. Had I married  
A sensual Fool now, as 'tis hard to scape it  
'Mongst Gentlewomen of our time, she would ha' hanged  
About my Neck, and never left her hold  
Till she had kissed me into wanton businesses,  
Which at the waking of my better judgement  
I should have cursed most bitterly,  
And laid a thicker vengeance on my act  
Then misery of the Birth, which were enough  
If it were borne to greatness, whereas mine  
Is sure of beggary, though it were got in Wine.  
Fullness of joy showeth the goodness in thee,  
Thou art a matchless Wife, Farewell my joy.  Wife. 
I shall not want your sight?  T.S. 
I'll see thee often,  
Talk in mirth, and play at kisses with thee,  
Any thing Wench but what may beget Beggars,  
There I give o'er the Set, throw down the Cards,  
And dare not take them up.  Wife. 
Your will be mine Sir.  Exit. T.S. 
This does not only make her honesty perfect,  
But her discretion, and approves her judgement.  
Had her desire been wanton, they'd been blameless  
In being lawful ever, but of all Creatures  
I hold that Wife a most unmatched treasure,  
That can unto her fortunes fix her pleasure,  
And not unto her Blood, this is like wedlock,  
The feast of marriage is not Lust but Love,  
And care of the estate, when I please Blood,  
Merely I sing, and suck out others, then  
'Tis many a wiseman's fault, but of all Men  
I am the most unfortunate in that game  
That ever pleased both Genders, I ne'er played yet  
Under a Bastard, the poor Wenches curse me  
To the Pit where'er I come, they were ne'er served so,  
But used to have more words than one to a bargain,  
I have such a fatal Finger in such business  
I must forth with't, chiefly for Country Wenches,  
For every Harvest I shall hinder Hay-making,  Enter a Wench with a Child. 
I had no less than seven lay in last Progress,  
Within three weeks of one another's time.  Wench. 
O Snaphance, have I found you.  T.S. 
How Snaphance?  Wench. 
Do you see your workmanship,  
Nay turn not from it, nor offer to escape, for if you do,  
I'll cry it through the Streets, and follow you.  
Your name may well be called Tuchwood, a Pox on you,  
You do but touch and take, thou hast undone me,  
I was a Maid before, I can bring a Certificate for it,  
From both the churchwardens.  T.S. 
I'll have the Parsons Hand too, or I'll not yield to't.  Wench. 
Thou shalt have more thou Villain, nothing grieves me, but Ellen my poor x in Derbyshire, thou hast cracked her marriage quite, she'll have a bout with thee.  T.S. 
Faith when she will I'll have a bout with her.  Wench. 
A Law 'bout Sir I mean.  T.S. 
True, Lawyers use such bouts as other Men do,  
And if that be all thy grief, I'll tender her a Husband,  
I keep of purpose two or three Gulls in pickle  
To eat such mutton with, and she shall choose one.  
Do but in courtesy faith Wench excuse me,  
Of this half yard of Flesh, in which I think it wants  
A Nail or two.  Wench. 
No, thou shalt find Villain  
It hath right shape, and all the Nails it should have.  T.S. 
Faith I am poor, do a charitable deed Wench,  
I am a younger Brother, and have nothing.  Wench. 
Nothing, thou hast too much thou lying villain  
Unless thou wert more thankful.  T.S. 
I have no dwelling,  
I broke up House but this morning, Pray thee pity me,  
I am a good Fellow, faith have been too kind  
To people of your Gender, if I hait  
Without my Belly, none of your Sex shall want it,  
That word has been of force to move a Woman.  
There's tricks enough to rid thy Hand on't Wench,  
Some rich man's Porch, tomorrow before day,  
Or else anon i'the evening, twenty devices,  
Here's all I have, i'faith, take purse and all,  
And would I were rid of all the Ware i'the Shop so.  Wench. 
Where I find manly dealings I am pitiful,  
This shall not trouble you.  T.S. 
And I protest Wench, the next I'll keep myself.  Wench. 
Soft, let it be got first.  
This is the fifth, if e'er I venture more  
Where I now go for a Maid, may I ride for a Whore.  Exit. T.S. 
what shift she'll make now with this piece of flesh  
In this strict time of Lent, I cannot imagine,  
Flesh dare not peep abroad now, I have known  
This City now above this seven years,  
But I protest in better state of government,  
I never knew it yet, nor ever heard of,  
There has been more religious wholesome Laws  
In the half circle of a year erected  
For common good, than memory ever knew of,  Enter Sir Oliver Kix, and his Lady. 
Setting apart corruption of Promoters,  
And other poisonous Officers that infect  
And with a venomous breath taint every goodness.  Lady. 
O that e'er I was begot, or bred, or borne.  S. Ol. 
Be content sweet Wife.  T.S. 
What's here to do now?  
I hold my life she's in deep passion  
For the imprisonment of veal and Mutton  
Now kept in garrets, weeps for some calf's Head now,  
methinks her husband's Head might serve with Bacon.  Enter Tuchwood junior. Lady. 
Hist.  S. Ol. 
Patience sweet Wife.  T.I. 
Brother I have sought you strangely.  T.S. 
Why what's the business?  T.I. 
With all speed thou canst procure a Licence for me.  T.S. 
How, a Licence?  T.I. 
Cuds-foot she's lost else, I shall miss her ever.  T.S. 
Nay sure thou shalt not miss so fair a mark  
For thirteen shillings four pence.  T.I. 
Thanks by hundreds.  Exit. S. Ol. 
Nay pray thee cease, I'll be at more cost yet,  
Thou know'st we are rich enough.  Lady. 
All but in blessings,  
And there the Beggar goes beyond us. O, o, o,  
To be seven years a Wife and not a Child, o not a Child.  S. Ol. 
Sweet Wife have patience.  Lady. 
Can any Woman have a greater cut?  S. Ol. 
I know 'tis great, but what of that Wife?  
I cannot do with all, there's things making  
By thine own doctor's advice at Pothecaries,  
I spare for nothing Wife, no if the price  
Were forty marks a spoonful,  
I'd give a thousand pound to purchase fruitfulness,  
'Tis but bating so many good works  
In the erecting of Bridewells and Spittle-houses,  
And so fetch it up again, for having none  
I mean to make good deeds my Children.  Lady. 
Give me but those good deeds, and I'll find Children.  S. Ol. 
Hang thee, thou hast had too many.  Lady. 
Thou liest brevity.  S. Ol. 
O horrible, dar'st thou call me brevity?  
Dar'st thou be so short with me?  Lady. 
Thou deservest worse.  
Think but upon the goodly Lands and Livings  
That's kept back through want on't.  S. Ol. 
Talk not on't pray thee,  
Thou'lt make me play the Woman, and weep too.  Lady. 
'Tis our dry barrenness puffs up Sir Walter,  
None gets by your not-getting, but that Knight,  
He's made by th' means, and fats his fortunes, shortly  
In a great Dowry with a goldsmith's Daughter.  S. Ol. 
They may be all deceived,  
Be but you patient Wife.  Lady. 
I have suffered a long time.  S. Ol. 
Suffer thy Heart out, a Pox suffer thee.  Lady. 
Nay thee, thou desertless Slave.  S. Ol. 
Come, come, I ha' done,  
You'll to the Gossipping of Mr Allwit's Child?  Lady. 
Yes, to my much joy,  
Every one gets before me, there's my Sister  
Was married but at Barthomew-eve last,  
And she can have two Children at a birth,  
O one of them, one of them would ha' served my turn.  S. Ol. 
Sorrow consume thee, thou art still crossing me,  
And know'st my nature.  Enter a Maid. Maid. 
O Mistress, weeping or railing,  
That's our House harmony.  Lady. 
What sayst jugg?  Maid. 
The sweetest news.  Lady. 
What is't Wench?  Maid. 
Throw down your doctor's drugs,  
They're all but Heretics, I bring certain remedy  
That has been taught, and proved, and never failed.  S. Ol. 
O that, that, that or nothing.  Maid 
There's a Gentleman,  
I haply have his Name too, that has got  
Nine Children by one Water that he useth,  
It never misses, they come so fast upon him,  
He was fain to give it over.  Lady. 
His name sweet jugg?  Maid. 
One Mr Tuchwood, a fine Gentleman,  
But run behindhand much with getting Children.  S. Ol. 
Is't possible?  Maid. 
Why Sir, he'll undertake,  
Using that Water, within fifteen year,  
For all your wealth, to make you a poor Man,  
You shall so swarm with Children.  S. Ol. 
I'll venture that i'faith.  Lady. 
That shall you Husband.  Maid. 
But I must tell you first, he's very dear.  S. Ol. 
No matter, what serves wealth for?  Lady. 
True sweet Husband,  
There's Land to come, Put case his Water stands me  
In some five hundred pound a pint,  
'Twill fetch a thousand, and a Kersten Soul.  
I'll about it.  
And that's worth all sweet Husband.  Exit. Enter Allwit. All. 
I'll go bid Gossips presently myself,  
That's all the work I'll do, nor need I stir,  
But that it is my pleasure to walk forth  
And air myself a little, I am tied to nothing  
In this business, what I do is merely recreation,  
Not constraint.  
Here's running to and fro, Nurse upon Nurse,  
Three Chare women, besides maids & neighbour's children.  
Fie, what a trouble have I rid my Hands on,  
It makes me sweat to think on't.  Enter Sir Walter Whorehound. S. Walt. 
How now Jack?  All. 
I am going to bid Gossips for your Wps child Sir,  
A goodly Girl i'faith, give you joy on her,  
She looks as if she had two thousand pound to her portion  Enter Dry Nurse. 
And run away with a tailor, A fine plump black eyed slut,  
Under correction Sir,  
I take delight to see her: Nurse.  Nurse 
Do you call Sir?  Exit. All. 
I call not you, I call the Wet Nurse hither,  Enter Wet Nurse. 
Give me the wet Nurse, I 'tis thou,  
Come hither, come hither,  
let's see her once again; I cannot choose  
But buss her thrice an hour.  Nurse 
You may be proud on't Sir,  
'Tis the best piece of work that e'er you did.  All. 
Thinkest thou so Nurse, What sayest to Wat and Nick?  Nurse 
They're pretty children both, but here's a wench  
Will be a knocker.  All. 
Pup sayst thou me so, pup little Countess,  
Faith Sir I thank your Worship for this Girl,  
Ten thousand times, and upward.  S. Walt. 
I am glad I have her for you Sir.  All. 
Here take her in Nurse, wipe her, and give her Spoon-meat.  Nurse 
Wipe your Mouth Sir.  Exit All. 
And now about these Gossips.  S. Walt. 
Get but two, I'll stand for one myself.  All. 
To your own Child Sir?  S. Walt. 
The better policy, it prevents suspicion,  
'Tis good to play with rumor at all weapons.  All. 
Troth I commend your care Sir, 'tis a thing  
That I should ne'er have thought on.  S. Walt. 
The more Slave,  
When Man turns base, out goes his Souls pure flame,  
The fat of ease o'erthrows the eyes of shame.  All. 
I am studying who to get for Godmother  
Suitable to your Worship, Now I ha' thought on't.  S. Walt. 
I'll ease you of that care, and please myself in't  
My Love the Goldsmith's Daughter, if I send,  
Her Father will command her, Davy Dahumma.  Enter Davy. All. 
I'll fit your Worship then with a Male Partner.  S. Walt. 
What is he?  All. 
A kind proper Gentleman, Brother to Mr Tuchwood.  S. Walt. 
I know Tuchwood, has he a Brother living?  All. 
A neat Bachelor.  S. Walt. 
Now we know him, we'll make shift with him  
Dispatch the time draws near, Come hither Davy.  Exit All. 
In troth I pity him, he ne'er stands still,  
Poor Knight what pains he takes, sends this way one,  
That way another, has not an hour's leisure,  
I would not have thy toil, for all thy pleasure,  Enter two Promoters. 
Ha, how now, what are these that stand so close  
At the Street-corner, pricking up their Ears,  
And snuffing up their Noses, like rich-men's Dogs  
When the first Course goes in? By the mass Promoters,  
'Tis so I hold my life, and planted there  
To arrest the dead Corpse of poor Calves and Sheep,  
Like ravenous Creditors, that will not suffer  
The Bodies of their poor departed Debtors  
To go toth' grave, but e'en in Death to vex  
And stay the Corpse, with Bills of Middlesex,  
This Lent will fat the whoresons up with sweetbreads,  
And lard their whores with Lamb-stones, what their golls  
Can clutch, goes presently to their molls and dolls,  
The Bawds will be so fat with what they earn,  
Their Chins will hang like Udders, by Easter-eve,  
And being stroked, will give the Milk of Witches,  
How did the mongrels hear my wife lies in?  
Well, I may baffle 'em gallantly, By your favour Gentlemen  
I am a stranger both unto the City,  
And to her carnal strictness.  1 Prom. 
Good, Your will Sir?  All. 
Pray tell me where one dwells that kills this Lent.  1 Prom. 
How kills? Come hither Dick,  
A Bird, a Bird.  2 Prom. 
What is't that you would have?  All. 
Faith any Flesh,  
But I long especially for veal and Greensauce.  1 Prom. 
green-goose, you shall be sauced.  All. 
I have half a scornful stomach, no Fish will be admitted.  1 Prom. 
Not this Lent Sir?  All. 
Lent, what cares Colon here for Lent?  1 Prom. 
You say well Sir,  
Good reason that the Colon of a Gentleman  
As you were lately pleased to term your worship Sir,  
Should be fulfilled with answerable food,  
To sharpen Blood, delight Health, and tickle Nature,  
Were you directed hither to this Street Sir?  All. 
That I was, I marry.  2 Prom. 
And the Butcher belike  
Should kill, and sell close in some upper Room?  All. 
Some Apple-loft as I take it, or a coal-house,  
I know not which i'faith.  2 Prom. 
Either will serve,  
This Butcher shall kiss Newgate, less he turn up the  
Bottom of the Pocket of his Apron,  
You go to seek him?  All 
Where you shall not find him,  
I'll buy, walk by your Noses with my Flesh,  
sheep-biting mongrels, Hand-basket Freebooters,  
My Wife lies in, a foutra for Promoters.  Exit 1 Prom. 
That shall not serve your turn, what a Rogue's this, how cunningly he came over us?  Enter a Man with Meat in a Basket. 2 Prom. 
hushed, stand close.  Man 
I have scaped well thus far, they say the Knaves are wondrous hot and busy.  1 Prom. 
By your leave Sir,  
We must see what you have under your Cloak there.  Man 
Have? I have nothing.  1 Prom. 
No, do you tell us that, what makes this lump stick out then, we must see Sir.  Man 
What will you see Sir, a pair of Sheets, and two of my wife's foul Smocks, going to the Washers?  2 Prom. 
O we love that sight well, you cannot please us better: What do you gull us, call you these Shirts and Smocks?  Man 
Now a Pox choke you,  
You have cozened me and five of my wife's kindred  
Of a good Dinner, we must make it up now  
With Herrings and Milk-pottage.  Exit 1 Prom. 
'Tis all veal.  2 Prom. 
All veal, Pox the worse luck, I promised faithfully to send this morning a fat quarter of Lamb, to a kind Gentlewoman in Turnbull street that longs, and how I'm crossed.  1 Prom. 
Let's share this, and see what hap comes next then.  Enter another with a Basket. 2 Prom. 
Agreed, stand close again, another booty,  
What's he?  1 Prom. 
Sir, by your favour.  Man 
Meaning me Sir?  1 Prom. 
Good Mr Oliver, cry thee mercy, i'faith.  
What hast thou there?  Man. 
A Rack of Mutton Sir, and half a Lamb,  
You know my Mistress's diet.  1 Prom. 
Go, go, we see thee not, away, keep close,  
Heart let him pass, thou'lt never have the wit  
To know our benefactors.  2 Prom. 
I have forgot him.  1 Prom. 
'Tis M. Beggerland's man the wealthy Merchant  
That is in fee with us.  2 Prom. 
Now I have a feeling of him.  1 Prom. 
You know he purchased the whole Lent together  
Gave us ten groats a piece on Ash-wednesday.  2 Prom. 
True, true.  Enter a Wench with a Basket, and a Child in it under a loin of Mutton. 1 Prom. 
A Wench.  2 Prom. 
Why then stand close indeed.  Wench. 
Women had need of wit, if they'll shift here,  
And she that hath wit, may shift anywhere.  1 Prom. 
Look, look, poor Fool,  
She has left the rump uncovered too,  
More to betray her, this is like a Murderer,  
That will outface the deed with a bloody Band.  2 Prom. 
What time of the year is't Sister?  Wench. 
O sweet Gentlemen, I am a poor Servant,  
Let me go.  1 Prom. 
You shall Wench, but this must stay with us.  Wench. 
O you undo me Sir,  
'Tis for a wealthy Gentlewoman that takes Physic Sir,  
The Doctor does allow my Mistress Mutton,  
O as you tender the dear life of a Gentlewoman,  
I'll bring my Master to you, he shall show you  
A true authority from the higher powers,  
And I'll run every foot.  2 Prom. 
Well, leave your Basket then,  
And run and spare not.  Wench. 
Will you swear then to me,  
To keep it till I come.  1 Prom. 
Now by this light I will.  Wench. 
What say you Gentleman?  2 Prom. 
What a strange Wench 'tis?  
Would we might perish else.  Wench. 
Nay then I run Sir.  Exit 1 Prom. 
And ne'er return I hope.  2 Prom. 
A politic Baggage,  
She makes us swear to keep it,  
I prithee look what market she hath made.  1 Prom. 
Imprimis Sir, a good fat loin of Mutton,  
What comes next under this Cloth?  
Now for a quarter of Lamb.  2 Prom. 
Not for a Shoulder of Mutton.  1 Prom. 
Done.  2 Prom. 
Why done Sir.  1 Prom. 
By the mass I feel I have lost,  
'Tis of more weight i'faith.  2 Prom. 
Some loin of veal?  1 Prom. 
No faith, here's a Lamb's Head,  
I feel that plainly, why yet win my wager.  2 Prom. 
Ha?  1 Prom. 
'swounds what's here?  2 Prom. 
A Child.  1 Prom. 
A Pox of all dissembling cunning Whores.  2 Prom. 
Here's an unlucky Breakfast.  1 Prom. 
What shall's do?  2 Prom. 
The Quean made us swear to keep it too.  1 Prom. 
We might leave it else.  2 Prom. 
Villainous strange,  
'Life had she none to gull, but poor Promoters,  
That watch hard for a living.  1 Prom. 
Half our gettings must run in sugar-soap,  
And Nurse's wages now, besides many a pound of Soap,  
And Tallow, we have need to get Loins of Mutton still,  
To save Suet to change for Candles.  2 Prom. 
Nothing mads me, but this was a Lamb's head with you, you felt it, she has made calf's heads of us.  1 Prom. 
prithee no more on't,  
There's time to get it up, it is not come  
To Mid-Lent Sunday yet.  2 Prom. 
I am so angry, I'll watch no more today.  1 Prom. 
Faith nor I neither.  2 Prom. 
Why then I'll make a motion.  1 Prom. 
Well, what is't?  2 Prom. 
Let's e'en go to the Chequer at Queen-hive and roast the loin of Mutton, till young Flood, then send the Child to Branford.  Enter Allwit in one of Sir Walters Suits, and Davy trussing him. All. 
'Tis a busy day at our House Davy.  Davy 
Always the Kursning day Sir.  All. 
truss, truss me Davy.  Davy 
No matter and you were hanged Sir.  All. 
How does this Suit fit me Davy?  Davy 
Excellent neatly, my Master's things were ever fit for you Sir, e'en to a Hair you know.  All. 
Thou hast hit it right Davy,  
We ever jumped in one, this ten years Davy,  Enter a Servant with a Box. 
So well said, what art thou?  Seru. 
Your comfit-maker's Man Sir.  All. 
O sweet youth, into the Nurse quick,  
Quick, 'tis time i'faith,  
Your Mistress will be here?  Seru. 
She was setting forth Sir.  Enter two Puritans. All. 
Here comes our Gossips now, O I shall have such kissing work today, Sweet Mistress Underman welcome i'faith.  1 Pur. 
Give you joy of your fine Girl Sir,  
Grant that her education may be pure,  
And become one of the faithful.  All. 
Thanks to your Sisterly wishes Mr Underman.  2 Pur. 
Are any of the Brothers' Wives yet come?  All. 
There are some Wives within, and some at home.  1 Pur. 
Verily thanks Sir.  Exit All. 
Verily you are an Ass forsooth,  
I must sit all these times, or there's no Music,  Enter two Gossips. 
Here comes a friendly and familiar payer,  
Now I like these Wenches well.  1 Goss. 
How dost sirrah?  All. 
Faith well I thank you Neighbour, and how dost thou?  2 Goss. 
Want nothing, but such getting Sir as thine.  All. 
My gettings wench, they are poor.  1 Goss. 
Fie that thou'lt say so,  
thoust as fine Children as a Man can get.  Davy 
I as a Man can get,  
And that's my Master.  All. 
They are pretty foolish things,  
Put to making in minutes,  
I ne'er stand long about 'em,  
Will you walk in Wenches?  Enter Tuchwood junior, and Moll. T.I. 
The happiest meeting that our souls could wish for  
Here's the Ring ready, I am beholding unto your Father's haste, h'as kept his hour.  Moll. 
He never kept it better.  Enter Sir Walter Whorehound. T.I. 
Back, be silent.  S. Walt. 
Mistress and Partner, I will put you both into one Cup.  Davy 
Into one Cup, most proper,  
A fitting compliment for a goldsmith's Daughter.  All. 
Yes Sir, that's he must be your worship's Partner  
In this day's business, Mr Tuchwood's Brother.  S. Walt. 
I embrace your acquaintance Sir.  T.I. 
It vows your service Sir.  S. Walt. 
It's near high time, come Mr Allwit.  All. 
Ready Sir.  S. Walt. 
will't please you walk?  T.I. 
Sir I obey your time.  Exit. Enter Midwife with the Child, and the Gossips to the Kursning. 1 Goss. 
Good Mrs. Yellowhammer.  Maudl. 
In faith I will not.  1 Goss. 
Indeed it shall be yours  Maudl. 
I have sworn I saith.  1 Goss. 
I'll stand still then.  Maudl. 
So will you let the Child go without company  
And make me forsworn.  1 Goss. 
You are such another Creature.  2 Goss. 
Before me, I pray come down a little.  3 Goss. 
Not a whit, I hope I know my place.  2 Goss. 
Your place, great wonder sure, are you any better than a comfit-maker's wife.  3 Goss. 
And that's as good at all times as a apothecary's.  2 Goss. 
Ye lie, yet I forbear you too.  1 Pur. 
Come sweet Sister, we go in unity, and show the fruits of peace like Children of the Spirit.  2 Pur. 
I love lowliness.  4 Goss. 
True, so say I, though they strive more,  
There comes as proud behind, as goes before.  5 Goss. 
Every inch i'faith.  Exit  

Actus Tertius.  Enter Tuchwood junior, and a Parson. T.I. 
O Sir, if ever you felt the force of love, pity it in me.  Par. 
Yes, though I ne'er was married Sir,  
I have felt the force of love from good men's daughters,  
And some that will be Maids yet three years hence.  
Have you got a Licence?  T.I. 
Here 'tis ready Sir.  Par. 
That's well.  T.I. 
The Ring and all things perfect, she'll steal hither.  Par. 
She shall be welcome Sir, I'll not be long  
A clapping you together.  Enter Moll, and Tuchwood Senior. T.I. 
O here she's come Sir.  Par. 
What's he?  T.I. 
My honest Brother.  T.S. 
Quick, make haste Sirs.  Moll. 
You must dispatch with all the speed you can,  
For I shall be missed straight, I made hard shift  
For this small time I have.  Par. 
Then I'll not linger,  
Place that Ring upon her Finger,  
This the Finger plays the part,  
Whose master Vein shoots from the Heart,  
Now join Hands.  Enter Yellowhammer, and Sir Walter. Yell. 
Which I will sever,  
And so ne'er again meet never.  Moll. 
O we are betrayed.  T.I. 
Hard fate.  S. Walt. 
I am struck with wonder.  Yell. 
Was this the politic fetch, thou mystical baggage  
Thou disobedient strumpet,  
And were so wise to send for her to such an end,  S. Walt. 
Now I disclaim the end, you'll make me mad.  Yell. 
And what are you Sir?  T.I. 
And you cannot see with those two Glasses, put on a pair more.  Yell. 
I dreamt of anger still, here take your Ring Sir,  
Ha this, life 'tis the same, abominable,  
Did not I sell this Ring?  T.I. 
I think you did, you received money for't.  Yell. 
Heart, hark you Knight,  
Here's no inconscionable villainy,  
Set me a work to make the Wedding Ring,  
And come with an intent to steal my Daughter,  
Did ever runaway match it?  S. Walt. 
This your Brother Sir?  T.S. 
He can tell that as well as I.  Yell. 
The very Poesy mocks me to my face,  
Love that's wise, blinds parents' eyes,  
I thank your wisdom Sir for blinding of us,  
We have good hope to recover our sight shortly,  
In the mean time I will lock up this baggage,  
As carefully as my Gold, she shall see as little Sun  
If a close Room or so can keep her from the light on't.  Moll. 
O sweet Father, for love's sake pity me.  Yell. 
Away.  Moll. 
Farewell Sir, all content bless thee,  
And take this for comfort,  
Though violence keep me, thou canst lose me never,  
I am ever thine although we part for ever.  Yell. 
I we shall part you minx.  Exit S. Walt. 
Your acquaintance Sir, came very lately,  
Yet it came too soon,  
I must hereafter know you for no friend,  
But one that I must shun like Pestilence,  
Or the Disease of Lust.  T.I. 
Like enough Sir, you ha' ta'en me at the worst time for words that e'er ye picked out, faith do not wrong me Sir.  Exit T.S. 
Look after him and spare not, there he walks  
That never yet received baffling, you're blessed  
More than e'er I knew, go take your rest.  Exit S. Walt. 
I pardon you, you are both losers'.  Exit A Bed thrust out upon the Stage, Allwit's Wife in it, Enter all the Gossips. 1 Goss. 
How is't Woman, we have brought you home  
A Kursen Soul.  Wife. 
ay, I thank your pains.  Pur. 
And verily well kirsened, i'the right way,  
Without Idolatry or Superstition,  
After the pure manner of Amsterdam.  Wife. 
Sit down good Neighbours, Nurse.  Nurse 
At hand forsooth.  Wife. 
Look they have all low stools  Nurse 
They have forsooth.  2 Goss. 
Bring the Child hither Nurse, how say you now  
Gossip, is't not a chopping Girl, so like the Father?  3 Goss. 
As if it had been spit out of his Mouth,  
By'd, nosed, and browed as like a Girl can be,  
Only indeed it has the Mother's Mouth.  2 Goss. 
The Mother's Mouth up and down, up and down.  3 Goss. 
'Tis a large Child, she's but a little Woman.  Pur. 
No believe me, a very spiny Creature, but all heart,  
Well mettled, like the faithful to endure  
Her tribulation here, and raise up seed.  2 Goss. 
She had a sore labour on't I warrant you, you can tell Neighbour.  3 Goss. 
O she had great speed,  
We were afraid once,  
But she made us all have joyful hearts again,  
'Tis a good Soul i'faith,  
The Midwife found her a most cheerful Daughter.  Pur. 
'Tis the spirit, the Sisters are all like her,  Enter Sir Walter with two Spoons and Plate and Allwit. 2 Goss. 
O here comes the chief Gossip Neighbours.  S. Walt. 
The fatness of your wishes to you all Ladies.  3 Goss. 
O dear sweet gentleman, what fine words he has  
The fatness of our wishes.  2 Goss. 
Calls us all Ladies.  4 Goss. 
I promise you a fine Gentleman, and a courteous.  2 Goss. 
methinks her Husband shows like a Clown to him.  3 Goss. 
I would not care what Clown my Husband were too, so I had such fine Children.  2 Goss. 
She's all fine Children Gossip.  3 Goss. 
ay, and see how fast they come.  Pur. 
Children are blessings, if they be got with zeal,  
By the Brethren, as I have five at home.  S. Walt. 
The worst is past, I hope now Gossip.  Wife 
So I hope to good Sir.  All. 
Why then so hope I too for company,  
I have nothing to do else.  S. Walt. 
A poor remembrance Lady,  
To the love of the Babe, I pray accept of it.  Wife 
O you are at too much charge Sir.  2 Goss. 
Look, look, what has he given her, what Is't Gossip?  3 Goss. 
Now by my faith a fair high standing Cup, and two great Postle Spoons, one of them gilt.  1 Pur. 
Sure that was judas then with the red Beard.  2 Pur. 
I would not feed my daughter with that spoon for all the World, for fear of colouring her Heir, Red Hair the Brethren like not, it consumes them much, 'tis not the sister's colour.  Enter Nurse with Comfits and Wine. All. 
Well said Nurse,  
About, about with them amongst the Gossips,  
Now out comes all the tasseled Handkerchers,  
They are spread abroad between their Knees already,  
Now in goes the long Fingers that are washed  
Some thrice a day in urine, my Wife uses it,  
Now we shall have such pocketing,  
See how they lurch at the lower end.  Pur. 
Come hither Nurse.  All. 
Again, she has taken twice already.  Pur. 
I had forgot a sister's Child that's sick.  All. 
A Pox it seems your purity loves sweet things well that puts in thrice together, had this been all my cost now I had been beggared, these Women have no consciences at sweet meats, where'er they come, see and they have not could out all the long Plumbs too, they have left nothing here but short wriggle-tail-comfits, not worth mouthing, no mar'le I heard a Citizen complain once, that his wife's Belly only broke his Back: Mine had been all in fitters seven years since, but for this worthy Knight, that with a prop upholds my Wife and me, and all my estate buried in bucklersbury.  Wife. 
Here Mrs. Yellowhammer, and Neighbours,  
To you all that have taken pains with me,  
All the good Wives at once.  Pur. 
I'll answer for them,  
They wish all health and strength,  
And that you may courageously go forward,  
To perform the like and many such,  
Like a true Sister with Motherly bearing.  All. 
Now the cups troll about to wet the gossips whistles  
It pours down i'faith, they never think of payment.  Pur. 
Fill again Nurse.  All. 
Now bless thee, two at once, I'll stay no longer,  
It would kill me and if I paid for't,  
Will it please you to walk down and leave the women.  S. Walt. 
With all my Heart Jack.  All. 
Troth I cannot blame you.  S. Walt. 
Sit you all merry Ladies.  All Goss. 
Thank your Worship Sir.  Pur. 
Thank your Worship Sir.  All. 
A Pox twice tipple ye, you are last & lowest.  Exit Pur. 
Bring hither that same Cup-Nurse, I would fain drive away this hup Antichristian grief.  3 Goss. 
See Gossip and she lies not in like a Countess,  
Would I had such a Husband for my Daughter.  4 Goss. 
Is not she toward marriage?  3 Goss. 
O no sweet Gossip.  4 Goss. 
Why she's nineteen?  3 Goss. 
I that she was last Lammas,  
But she has a fault Gossip, a secret fault.  4 Goss. 
A fault, what is't?  3 Goss. 
I'll tell you when I have drunk.  4 Goss. 
Wine can do that I see, that friendship cannot.  3 Goss. 
And now I'll tell you Gossip, she's too free.  4 Goss. 
To free?  3 Goss. 
O ay, she cannot lie dry in her Bed.  4 Goss. 
What, and nineteen?  3 Goss. 
'Tis as I tell you Gossip.  Maudl. 
Speak with me Nurse, who is't?  Nurse 
A Gentleman from Cambridge,  
I think it be your Soon forsooth.  Maudl. 
'Tis my Soon Tim i'faith,  
prithee call him up among the Women,  
'Twill embolden him well,  
For he wants nothing but audacity,  
'Would Would the Welsh gentlewoman at home were here now.  Lady 
Is your Son come forsooth?  Maudl. 
Yes from the University forsooth.  Lady 
'Tis great joy on ye.  Maudl. 
There's a great marriage towards for him.  Lady 
A marriage?  Maudl. 
Yes sure, a huge Heir in Wales,  
At least to nineteen Mountains,  
Besides her Goods and Cattle.  Enter Tim. Tim. 
O, I'm betrayed.  Exit Maud. 
What gone again, run after him good Nurse,  
He's so bashful, that's the spoil of youth,  
In the University they're kept still to Men,  
And ne'er trained up to Women's company.  Lady 
'Tis a great spoil of youth indeed.  Enter Nurse and Tim. Nurse 
Your Mother will have it so.  Maudl. 
Why Son, why Tim,  
What must I rise and fetch you? For shame Son.  Tim. 
Mother you do entreat like a fresh Woman,  
'Tis against the Laws of the University,  
For any that has answered under Bachelor  
To thrust 'mongst married Wives.  Maudl. 
Come we'll excuse you here.  Tim. 
Call up my Tutor Mother, and I care not.  Maudl. 
What is your Tutor come, have you brought him up?  Tim. 
I ha' not brought him up, he stands at door,  
Negatur, there's Logic to begin with you Mother.  Maud. 
Run call the gentleman nurse, he's my son's tutor  
Here eat some Plumbs.  Tim. 
Come I from Cambridge, and offer me six plumbs?  Maudl. 
Why how now Tim,  
Will not your old tricks yet be left?  Tim. 
Served like a Child,  
When I have answered under Batcheler?  Maudl. 
You'll never lin till I make your Tutor whip you, you know how I served you once at the Free School in Paul's Churchyard?  Tim. 
O monstrous absurdity,  
ne'er was the like in Cambridge since my time,  
'Life whip a Bachelor, you'd be laughed at soundly,  
Let not my Tutor hear you,  
'Twould be a jest through the whole University,  
No more words Mother.  Enter Tutor. Maudl. 
Is this your Tutor Tim?  Tut. 
Yes surely Lady, I am the man that brought him in League with Logic, and read the Dunces to him.  Tim. 
That did he Mother, but now I have 'em all in my own Pate, and can as well read 'em to others.  Tut. 
That can he Mistress, for they flow naturally from him.  Maudl. 
I'm the more beholding to your pains Sir.  Tut. 
Non ideo sane.  Maudl. 
True, he was an Idiot indeed,  
When he went out of London, but now he's well mended.  
Did you receive the two Goose-pies I sent you?  Tut. 
And eat them heartily, thanks to your Worship.  Maudl. 
'Tis my Son Tim, I pray bid him welcome Gentlewomen.  Tim. 
Tim, hark you Timotheus' Mother, Timothius.  Maudl. 
How, shall I deny your Name? Timothius quoth he? Faith there's a name, 'tis my Son Tim forsooth.  Lady 
You're welcome Mr Tim.  Kiss Tim. 
O this is horrible, she wets as she kisses,  
Your Handkercher sweet Tutor, to wipe them off, as fast as they come on.  2 Goss. 
Welcome from Cambridge.  Kiss Tim. 
This is intolerable, This woman has a villainous sweet breath, did she not stink of Comfits, Help me sweet Tutor, or I shall rub my Lips off.  Tut. 
I'll go kiss the lower end the whilst.  Tim. 
Perhaps that's the sweeter, and we shall dispatch the sooner.  Pur. 
Let me come next, Welcome from the Wellspring of discipline, that waters all the Brethren.  Reels & falls Tim. 
hoist I beseech thee.  3 Goss. 
O bless the Woman, Mr underman.  Pur. 
'Tis but the common affliction of the faithful,  
We must embrace our falls.  Tim. 
I'm glad I 'scaped it, it was some rotten kiss sure,  
It dropped down before it came at me.  Enter Allwit, and Davy. All. 
Here's a noise, not parted yet?  
Hyda, a looking-glass, they have drunk so hard in Plate,  
That some of them had need of other Vessels,  
Yonder's the bravest Show.  All Goss. 
Where? Where Sir?  All. 
Come along presently by the Pissing-conduit,  
With two brave Drums and a standard-bearer.  All Goss. 
O Brave.  Tim. 
Come Tutor.  Exit All Goss. 
Farewell sweet Gossip.  Exit Wife 
I thank you all for your pains.  Pur. 
Feed and grow strong.  Exit All. 
You had more need to sleep then eat,  
Go take a nap with some of the Brethren, go,  
And rise up a well edified, boldified Sister,  
O here's a day of toil well passed o'er,  
Able to make a Citizen Hare mad,  
How hot they have made the Room with their thick Bums,  
Dost not feel it Davy?  Dau. 
Monstrous strong Sir.  All. 
What's here under the Stools?  Dau. 
Nothing but wet Sir, some Wine spilled here belike.  All. 
Is't no worse think'st thou?  
Fair Needle work Stools, cost nothing with them Davy  Dau. 
Nor you neither i'faith.  All. 
Look how they have laid them,  
e'en as they lie themselves, with their Heels up,  
How they have shuffled up the Rushes too Davy  
With their short figging little shittle-cork-heels,  
These Women can let nothing stand as they find it,  
But what's the secret thou'st about to tell me  
My honest Davy?  Dau. 
If you should disclose it Sir.  All. 
Life rip my Belly up to the Throat than Davy.  Dau. 
My Master's upon Marriage.  All. 
Marriage Davy, send me to hanging rather.  Dau. 
I have stung him.  All. 
When, where, what is she Davy?  Dau. 
e'en the same was Gossip, and gave the Spoon.  All. 
I have no time to stay, nor scarce can speak,  
I'll stop those wheels, or all the work will break.  Exit Dau. 
I knew 'twould prick, Thus do I fashion still  
All mine own ends by him and his rank toil,  
'Tis my desire to keep him still from marriage,  
Being his poor nearest Kinsman, I may fare  
The better at his death, there my hopes build  
Since my Lady Kixe is dry, and hath no Child.  Exit Enter both the Tuchwood's. T.I. 
Y'are in the happiest way to enrich yourself,  
And pleasure me Brother, as Man's feet can tread in,  
For though she be locked up, her vow is fixed only to me;  
Then time shall never grieve me, for by that vow,  
e'en absent enjoy her, assuredly confirmed that none  
Else shall, which will make tedious years seem gameful  
To me, In the mean space lose you no time sweet brother,  
You have the means to strike at this Knights fortunes,  
And lay him level with his bankrupt merit,  
Get but his Wife with Child, perch at tree top,  
And shake the golden fruit into her Lap,  
About it before she weep herself to a dry ground,  
And whine out all her goodness.  T.S. 
prithee cease, I find a too much aptness in my blood  
For such a business without provocation,  
You might well spared this banquet of Oringoes,  
artichokes, Potatoes, and your buttered Crab,  
They were fitter kept for your own wedding dinner.  T.I. 
Nay and you'll follow my suit, & save my purse too  
Fortune dotes on me, he's in happy case  
Finds such an honest friend i'the Common place.  T.S. 
Life what makes thee so merry? thou hast no cause  
That I could hear of lately since thy crosses,  
Unless there be news come, with new additions.  T.I. 
Why there thou hast it right,  
I look for her this Evening Brother.  T.S. 
How's that, look for her?  T.I. 
I will deliver you of the wonder straight Brother,  
By the firm secrecy, and kind assistance  
Of a good Wench i'the House, who made of pity,  
Weighing the case her own, she's led through Gutters,  
Strange hidden ways, which none but Love could find,  
Or ha' the Heart to venture, I expect her  
Where you would little think.  T.S. 
I care not where, so she be safe, and yours.  T.I. 
Hope tells me so,  
But from your love and time my peace must grow.  Exit T.S. 
You know the worst then brother, now to my Kix  
The barren he and she, they're i'the next Room,  
But to say which of their two humours hold them  
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.  S. Ol. 
Thou liest Barrenness.  Kix to his Lady within. T.S. 
O is't that time of day, give you joy of your tongue  
There's nothing else good in you, this their life  
The whole day from eyes open to eyes shut,  
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends,  
Then rail the second part of the first fit out,  
And then be pleased again, no Man knows which way,  
Fall out like Giants, and fall in like Children,  
Their Fruit can witness as much.  Enter Sir Oliver Kix, and his Lady. S. Ol. 
'Tis thy fault.  Lady. 
Mine, drought and coldness?  S. Ol. 
Thine, 'tis thou art barren.  Lady. 
I barren, o life that I durst but speak now,  
In mine own justice, in mine own Right, I barren,  
'Twas otherways with me when I was at Court,  
I was ne'er called so till I was married.  S. Ol. 
I'll be divorced.  Lady. 
Be hanged, I need not wish it,  
That will come too soon to thee:  
I may say, Marriage and hanging goes by destiny,  
For all the goodness I can find in't yet.  S. Ol. 
I'll give up House, & keep some fruitful whore,  
Like an old Bachelor in a tradesman's Chamber,  
She and her Children shall have all.  Lady. 
Where be they?  T.S. 
Pray cease,  
When there are friendlier courses took for you,  
To get and multiply within your House,  
At your own proper costs in spite of censure,  
methinks an honest peace might be established.  S. Ol. 
What with her? Never.  T.S. 
Sweet Sir.  S. Ol. 
You work all in vain.  Lady. 
Then he doth all like thee.  T.S. 
Let me entreat Sir.  S. Ol. 
Singleness confound her,  
I took her with one Smock.  Lady. 
But indeed you came not so single,  
When you came from Shipboard.  S. Ol. 
Heart she bit sore there,  
prithee make's friends.  T.S. 
Is't come to that, the peal begins to cease.  S. Ol. 
I'll sell all at an Outcry.  Lady 
Do thy worst Slave,  
Good sweet Sir bring us into love again.  T.S. 
Some would think this impossible to compass,  
Pray let this storm fly over.  S. Ol. 
Good Sir pardon me, I'm Master of this House,  
Which I'll sell presently, I'll clap up Bills this Evening.  T.S. 
Lady friends come?  Lady 
If e'er ye loved Woman, talk not on't Sir, what friends with him? good faith do you think I'm mad with one that's scarce the hinder quarter of a Man?  S. Ol. 
Thou art nothing of a Woman.  Lady 
Would I were less than nothing.  Weeps S. Ol. 
Nay prithee what dost mean?  Lady 
I cannot please you.  S. Ol. 
i'faith thou art a good Soul, he lies that says it,  
Buss, buss, pretty Rogue.  Lady 
You care not for me.  T.S. 
Can any man tell now which way they came in?  
By this light I'll be hanged then.  S. Ol. 
Is the Drink come?  T.S. 
Here's a little Vial of Almond-milk  Aside 
That stood me in some three pence.  S. Ol. 
I hope to see thee wench within these few years,  
circled with Children, pranking up a Girl,  
And putting jewels in their little Ears,  
Fine sport I saith.  Lady 
I had you been ought Husband,  
It had been done ere this time.  S. Ol 
Had I been ought, hang thee, hadst thou been aught,  
But a cross thing I ever found thee.  Lady 
Thou art a Grub to say so.  S. Ol. 
A Pox on thee.  T.S. 
By this light they are out again at the same door,  
And no Man can tell which way,  
Come here's your Drink Sir.  S. Ol. 
I will not take it now Sir,  
And I were sure to get three Boys ere Midnight.  Lady 
Why there thou show'st now of what breed thou com'st  
To hinder generation, O thou Villain,  
That knows how crookedly the World goes with us,  
For want of Heirs, yet put by all good fortune.  S. Ol. 
Hang strumpet, I will take it now in spite.  T.S. 
Then you must ride upon't five hours.  S. Ol. 
I mean so, Within there?  Enter a Servant. Seru. 
Sir?  S. Ol. 
Saddle the white Mare,  
I'll take a Whore along, and ride to Ware.  Lady 
Ride to the Devil.  S. Ol. 
I'll plague you every way,  
Look ye, do you see, 'tis gone.  Drinks Lady 
A Pox go with it.  S. Ol. 
I curse and spare not now.  T.S. 
Stir up and down sir, you must not stand.  S. Ol. 
Nay I'm not given to standing.  T.S. 
So much the better sir for the—  S. Ol. 
I never could stand long in one place yet,  
I learned it of my Father, ever figient,  
How if I crossed this Sir?  Capers T.S. 
O passing good Sir, and would show well a Horseback: When you come to your Inn, If you leapt over a jointstool or two, 'twere not amiss although you broke your neck Sir.  Aside S. Ol. 
What say you to a Table thus high Sir?  T.S. 
Nothing better Sir, if it be furnished with good Victuals. You remember how the bargain runs about this business?  S. Ol. 
Or else I had a bad Head: you must receive Sir four hundred pounds of me at four several payments:  
One hundred pound now in hand.  T.S. 
Right, that I have Sir.  S. Ol. 
Another hundred when my Wives is quick: the third when she's brought a-bed: and the last hundred when the Child cries, For if it should be still borne, it doth no good Sir.  T.S. 
All this is even still, a little faster Sir.  S. Ol. 
Not a whit Sir,  
I'm in an excellent pace for any Physic,  Enter a Servant. Seru. 
Your white Mares ready.  S. Ol. 
I shall up presently: One kiss, and farewell.  Lady 
Thou shalt have two Love.  S. Ol. 
Expect me about three.  Exit Lady 
With all my Heart Sweet.  T.S. 
By this light they have forgot their anger since,  
And are as far in again as e'er they were,  
Which way the Devil came they, Heart I saw 'em not,  
Their ways are beyond finding out. Come sweet Lady.  Lady 
How must I take mine Sir?  T.S. 
Clean contrary, yours must be taken lying.  Lady 
A Bed Sir?  T.S. 
A Bed, or where you will for your own ease,  
Your Coach will serve.  Lady 
The Physic must needs please.  Exit  

Actus Quartus.  Enter Tim and Tutor. Tim. 
Negatur argumentum Tutor.  Tut. 
Probo tibi Pupil, stultus non est animal rationale.  Tim. 
Faller is sane.  Tut. 
Quaso ut taceas, probo tibi.  Tim. 
Quomodo probae domine.  Tut. 
Stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale.  Tim. 
Sic argumentaris domine, stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale, negatur argumentum again Tutor.  Tut. 
Argumentum itterum probo tibi domine, qui non participate de ratione nullo modo potest vocari rationalibus, but stultus non participate de ratione, ergo stultus nullo modo potest dicere rationalis.  Tim. 
Participate.  Tut. 
Sic disputus, qui participat quomodo participate.  Tim. 
Ut homo, probabo tibi in silagismo.  Tut. 
Hunc proba.  Tim. 
Sic probo domine, stultus est homo sicut tu & ego sum, homo est animal rationele, sicut stultus est animal rationale.  Enter Maudlin. Maudl. 
Here's nothing but disputing all the day long with 'em.  Tut. 
Sic disputus, stultus est homo sicut tu & ego sum homo est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.  Maudl. 
Your reasons are both good whate'er they be  
Pray give them o'er, faith you'll tire yourselves,  
What's the matter between you?  Tim. 
Nothing but reasoning about a Fool Mother.  Maudl. 
About a Fool Son, alas what need you trouble your heads about that, none of us all but knows what a Fool is.  Tim. 
Why what's a Fool Mother?  
I come to you now.  Maudl. 
Why one that's married before he has wit.  Tim. 
'Tis pretty i'faith, and well guest of a Woman never brought up at the University: but bring forth what Fool you will Mother, I'll prove him to be as reasonable a Creature, as myself or my Tutor here.  Maudl. 
Fie 'tis impossible.  Tut. 
Nay he shall do't forsooth.  Tim. 
'Tis the easiest thing to prove a Fool by Logic,  
By Logic I'll prove any thing.  Maudl. 
What thou wilt not?  Tim. 
I'll prove a Whore to be an honest Woman.  Maudl. 
Nay by my faith, she must prove that herself, or Logic will never do't.  Tim. 
'Twill do't I tell you.  Maudl. 
Some in this Street would give a thousand pounds that you could prove their Wives so.  Tim. 
Faith I can, and all their Daughters too, though they had three Bastards. When comes your tailor hither?  Maudl. 
Why what of him?  Tim. 
By Logic I'll prove him to be a Man,  
Let him come when he will.  Maudl. 
How hard at first was Learning to him? Truly  
Sir I thought he would never ha' took the Latin Tongue.  
How many Accidences do you think he wore out ere he came to his Grammar?  Tut. 
Some three or four.  Maudl. 
Believe me Sir some four and thirty.  Tim. 
Pish I made haberdins of 'em in Church porches  Maudl. 
He was eight years in his Grammar, and stuck horribly at a foolish place there called Ass in presenti.  Tim. 
Pox I have it here now.  Maud. 
He so shamed me once before an honest Gentleman that knew me when I was a Maid  Tim. 
These women must have all out.  Maudl. 
Quidest Gramatica? Says the Gentleman to him (I shall remember by a sweet sweet token) but nothing could he answer.  Tut. 
How now Pupil, ha, Quid est Gramatica?  Tim. 
Grammatica? Ha, ha, ha.  Maudl. 
Nay do not laugh Son, but let me hear you say it now: There was one word went so prettily off the Gentleman's tongue, I shall remember it the longest day of my life.  Tut. 
Come, Quid est Gramatica?  Tim. 
Are you not ashamed Tutor, Gramatica? Why Recte scribendi atque loquendi ars, ser-reverence of my Mother.  Maudl. 
That was it i'faith: Why now Son I see you are a deep Scholar: And Mr Tutor a word I pray, let us withdraw a little into my husband's Chamber, I'll send in the North-Wales Gentlewoman to him, she looks for wooing: I'll put together both, and lock the Door.  Tut. 
I give great approbation to your conclusion.  Exit Tim. 
I mar'le what this Gentlewoman should be,  
That I should have in marriage, she's a stranger to me:  
I wonder what my Parents mean i'faith,  
To match me with a stranger so:  
A Maid that's neither kiss nor kin to me:  
Life do they think I have no more care of my Body,  
Then to lie with one that I ne'er knew,  
A mere stranger,  
One that ne'er went to School with me neither,  
Nor ever playfellows together,  
They're mightily o'erseen in't methinks,  
They say she has Mountains to her marriage,  
She's full of Cattle, some two thousand Runts,  
Now what the meaning of these Runts should be,  
My Tutor cannot tell me,  
I have looked in Riders dictionary for the Letter R,  
And there I can hear no tidings of these Runts neither,  
Unless they should be Rumford Hogs,  
I know them not,  Enter Welch Gentlewoman. 
And here she comes,  
If I know what to say to her now  
In the way of marriage, I'm no Graduate,  
methinks i'faith 'tis boldly done of her  
To come into my Chamber being but a stranger,  
She shall not say I'm so proud yet, but I'll speak to her,  
Marry as I will order it,  
She shall take no hold of my words I'll warrant her,  
She looks and makes a curtsy,  
Salve tu quoque pvella puleherima,  
Quid vis nescio nec sane curo,  
Tully's own phrase to a Heart.  W.G. 
I know not what he means,  
A Suitor quoth 'a?  
I hold my life he understands no English.  Tim. 
Ferter me hercule tu virgo,  
Wallia vt opibus abundis maximis.  W.G. 
What's this fertur and abundundis?  
He mocks me sure, and calls me a bundle of Farts.  Tim. 
I have no Latin word now for their Runts, I'll make some shift or other: Itterum dico opibus abundat maximis montibus & fontibus & vt ita dicam Rontibus, attamen vero homauculus ego sum natura simule arte bachalarius lecto profecto non parata.  W.G. 
This is most strange, may be he can speak Welsh,  
Auedera whee comrage, der due cog foginis.  Tim. 
Cog foggin, I scorn to cog with her, I'll tell her so too in a word near her own Language: Ego non cogo.  W.G. 
Rhegosin a whiggin harle ron corid ambre.  Tim. 
By my faith she's a good scholar, I see that already  
She has the tongue's plain, I hold my life she has travelled,  
What will folks say? There goes the learned couple,  
Faith if the truth were known, she hath proceeded.  Enter Maudlin. Maudl. 
How now, how speeds your business?  Tim. 
I'm glad my Mother's come to part us.  Maud. 
How do you agree forsooth?  W.G. 
As well as e'er we did before we met.  Maudl. 
How's that?  W.G. 
You put me to a Man I understand not,  
Your son's no English Man methinks.  Maudl. 
No English Man, bless my Boy,  
And borne i'the Heart of London?  W.G. 
I ha' been long enough in the chamber with him,  
And I find neither Welsh nor English in him.  Maudl. 
Why Tim, how have you used the Gentlewoman?  Tim. 
As well as a Man might do Mother, in modest Latin.  Maudl. 
Latin Fool?  Tim. 
And she recoiled in Hebrew.  Maudl. 
In Hebrew Fool? 'Tis Welch.  Tim. 
All comes to one Mother.  Maudl. 
She can speak English too.  Tim. 
Who told me so much?  
Heart and she can speak English, I'll clap to her,  
I thought you'd marry me to a stranger.  Maudl. 
You must forgive him, he's so enured to Latin,  
He and his Tutor, that he hath quite forgot  
To use the Protestant tongue.  W.G. 
'Tis quickly pardoned forsooth.  Maudl. 
Tim make amends and kiss her,  
He makes towards you forsooth.  Tim. 
O delicious, one may discover her Country by her kissing, 'Tis a true saying, there's nothing tastes so sweet as your Welsh Mutton: It was reported you could sing.  Maudl. 
O rarely Tim, the sweetest British Songs.  Tim. 
And 'tis my mind I swear before I marry,  
I would see all my Wives good parts at once,  
To view how rich I were.  Maudl. 
Thou shalt here sweet Music Tim.  
Pray forsooth.  Music and Welsh Song THE SONG. 

CUPID is VENUS only joy,  
But he is a wanton Boy,  
A very very wanton Boy,  
He shoots at ladies' naked Breasts,  
He is the cause of most Men's Crests,  
I mean upon the Forehead,  
Invisible but horrid,  
'Twas he first taught upon the way,  
To keep a Lady's Lips in play.   

Why should not VENUS chide her Son,  
For the pranks that he hath done,  
The wanton pranks that he hath done?  
He shoots his fiery Darts so thick,  
They hurt poor Ladies to the quick,  
Ah me, with cruel wounding,  
His Darts are so confounding,  
That life and sense would soon decay,  
But that he keeps their Lips in play.   

Can there be any part of bliss,  
In a quickly fleeting kiss,  
A quickly fleeting kiss,  
To ones pleasure, leisures are but waste,  
The slowest kiss makes too much haste,  
And lose it ere we find it,  
The pleasing sport they only know,  
That close above and close below.   Tim. 
I would not change my wife for a Kingdom,  
I can do somewhat too in my own Lodging.  Enter Yellowhammer, and Allwit. Yell. 
Why well said Tim, the Bells go merrily,  
I love such peals alive, wife lead them in a while,  
Here's a strange Gentleman desires private conference.  
You're welcome Sir, the more for your name's sake.  
Good Mr Yellowhammer, I love my name well,  
And which a'the Yellowhammers take you descent from,  
If I may be so bold with you, which I pray?  All. 
The Yellowhammers in Oxfordshire,  
Near Abbington.  Yell. 
And those are the best Yellowhammers, and truest bred: I came from thence myself, though now a Citizen: I'll be bold with you, You are most welcome.  All. 
I hope the zeal I bring with me shall deserve it.  Yell. 
I hope no less, what is your will Sir?  All. 
I understand by rumours, you have a Daughter,  
Which my bold love shall henceforth title x.  Yell. 
I thank you for her Sir.  All. 
I heard of her virtues, and other confirmed graces.  Yell. 
A plaguy Girl Sir.  All. 
Fame sets her out with richer ornaments,  
Than you are pleased to boast of, 'Tis done modestly,  
I hear she's towards marriage.  Yell. 
You hear truth Sir.  All. 
And with a Knight in Town, Sir Walter Whorehound.  Yell. 
The very same Sir.  All. 
I am the sorrier for't.  Yell. 
The sorrier, Why x?  All. 
'Tis not too far past is't? It may be yet recalled?  Yell. 
Recalled, why good Sir?  All. 
Resolve me in that point ye shall hear from me.  Yell. 
There's no Contract past.  All. 
I am very joyful Sir.  Yell. 
But he's the Man must bed her.  All. 
By no means coz, she's quite undone then,  
And you'll curse the time that e'er you made the match,  
He's an arrant whoremaster, consumes his time and state,— whom in my knowledge he hath kept this 7 years,  
Nay coz, another Man's Wife too.  Yell. 
O abominable!  All. 
Maintains the whole house, apparels the husband,  
Pays servants wages, not so much, but—  Yell. 
Worse and worse, & doth the husband know this?  All. 
Knows? I and glad he may too, 'tis his living,  
As other Trades thrive, Butchers by selling Flesh,  
Poulters by venting coneys, or the like cous.  Yell. 
What an incomparable wittol's this?  All. 
Tush, what cares he for that?  
Believe me cous, no more than I do.  Yell. 
What a base Slave is that?  All. 
All's one to him, he feeds and takes his ease,  
Was ne'er the Man that ever broke his sleep,  
To get a Child yet by his own confession,  
And yet his Wife has seven.  Yell. 
What, by Sir Walter?  All. 
Sir Walter's like to keep 'em, and maintain 'em,  
In excellent fashion, he dares do no less Sir.  Yell. 
Life has he Children too?  All. 
Children? boy's thus high,  
In their Cato and Cordelius.  Yell. 
What you jest Sir?  All. 
Why, one can make a Verse,  
And is now at Eton College.  Yell. 
O this news has cut into my Heart cous.  All. 
It had eaten nearer if it had not been prevented.  
One Allwit's Wife.  Yell. 
Allwit? 'Foot I have heard of him,  
He had a Girl Kursned lately?  All. 
I that work did cost the Knight above a hundred mark.  Yell. 
I'll mark him for a Knave and Villain for't,  
A thousand thanks and blessings, I have done with him.  All. 
Ha, ha, ha, this Knight will stick by my ribs still,  
I shall not lose him yet, no Wife will come,  
where'er he woos, I find him still at home, Ha, ha,  Exit Yell. 
Well grant all this, say now his deeds are black,  
Pray what serves marriage, but to call him back,  
I have kept a Whore myself, and had a Bastard,  
By Mrs. Anne, in Anno  
I care not who knows it, he's now a jolly fellow,  
H'as been twice Warden, so may his fruit be,  
They were but base begot, and so was he,  
The Knight is rich, he shall be my son-in-law,  
No matter so the Whore he keeps be wholesome,  
My Daughter takes no hurt then, so let them wed,  
I'll have him sweat well ere they go to Bed.  Enter Maudlin. Maudl. 
O Husband, Husband.  Yell. 
How now Maudlin?  Maudl. 
We are all undone, she's gone, she's gone.  Yell. 
Again, Death which way?  Maudl. 
Over the Houses:  
Lay the Waterside, she's gone for ever else.  Yell. 
O venturous Baggage!  Exit Enter Tim and Tutor. Tim. 
thieves, Thieves, my Sister's stolen,  
Some Thief hath got her:  
O how miraculously did my Father's Plate scape,  
'Twas all left out Tutor.  Tut. 
Is't possible?  Tim. 
Besides three chains of Pearl & a Box of coral.  
My Sister's gone, let's look at Trig-staires for her,  
My Mother's gone to lay the common-stairs,  
At Puddle-wharf, and at the Dock below,  
Stands my poor silly Father, Run sweet Tutor, run.  Exit Enter both the Tuchwood's. T.S. 
I had been taken Brother by eight Sergeants,  
But for the honest Watermen, I am bound to them,  
They are the most requiteful'st people living,  
For as they get their means by Gentlemen,  
They are still the forwardest to help Gentlemen,  
You heard how one 'scaped out of the Blackfriars,  
But a while since from two or three Varlets  
Came into the House with all their Rapiers drawn,  
As if they'd dance the Sword-dance on the Stage,  
With Candles in their Hands like chandler's Ghosts,  
Whilst the poor Gentleman so pursued and banded,  
Was by an honest pair of Oars safely landed.  T.I. 
I love them with my Heart for't.  Enter three or four Watermen. 1 
Your first Man Sir.  2 
Shall I carry you Gentlemen with a pair of Oars?  T.S. 
These be the honest Fellows,  
Take one pair, and leave the rest for her.  T.I. 
Barne-Elmes.  T.S. 
No more Brother.  1 
Your first man.  2 
Shall I carry your Worship?  T.I. 
Go, and you honest watermen that stay,  
Here's a French-crown for you,  
There comes a Maid with all speed to take water,  
Row her lustily to Barne-Elmes after me.  2 
To Barne-Elmes, good Sir: make ready the boat Sam,  
We'll wait below.  Exit Enter Moll. T.I. 
What made you stay so long?  Moll. 
I found the way more dangerous than I looked for.  T.I. 
Away quick, there's a Boat waits for you,  
And I'll take water at Pauls-wharf, and overtake you.  Moll. 
Good Sir do, we cannot be too safe.  Enter Sir Walter, Yellowhammer, Tim and Tutor. S. Walt. 
Life, call you this close keeping?  Yell. 
She was kept under a double lock.  S. Walt. 
A double Devil.  Tim. 
That's a buff Sergeant Tutor, he'll ne'er were out.  Yell. 
How would you have Women locked?  Tim. 
With padlocks Father, the Venetian uses it,  
My Tutor reads it.  S. Walt. 
Heart, if she were so locked up, how got she out?  Yell. 
There was a little hole looked into the gutter,  
But who would have dreamed of that?  S. Walt. 
A wiser Man would.  Tim. 
He says true Father, a wise man for love will seek every hole: my Tutor knows it.  Tut. 
Verum poeta dicit.  Tim. 
Dicit Virgillius Father.  Yell. 
Prithee talk of thy Gills somewhere else, she's played the Gill with me: where's your wise Mother now?  Tim. 
Run mad I think, I thought she would have drowned herself, she would not stay for Oars, but took a Smelt-boat: sure I think she be gone a fishing for her.  Yell. 
She'll catch a goodly dish of Gudgeons now,  
Will serve us all to Supper.  Enter Maudlin drawing Moll by the Hair, and Watermen. Maudl. 
I'll tug thee home by the Hair.  Wat. 
Good Mistress spare her.  Maudl. 
Tend your own business.  Wat. 
You are a cruel Mother.  Exit Moll. 
O my Heart dies!  Maudl. 
I'll make thee an example for all the Neighbours Daughters.  Moll. 
Farewell life.  Maudl. 
You that have tricks can counterfeit.  Yell. 
Hold, hold Maudlin.  Maud. 
I have brought your jewel by the Hair.  Yell. 
She's here Knight.  S. Walt. 
Forbear or I'll grow worse.  Tim. 
Look on her Tutor, she hath brought her from the Water like a Mermaid, she's but half my Sister now, as far as the Flesh goes, the rest may be sold to Fishwives.  Maudl. 
Dissembling cunning baggage.  Yell. 
Impudent Strumpet.  S. Walt. 
Either give over both, or I'll give over:  
Why have you used me thus unkind Mistress?  
Wherein have I deserved?  Yell. 
You talk too fondly Sir, we'll take another course and prevent all, we might have done't long since, we'll lose no time now, nor trust to't any longer, tomorrow morn as early as Sun rise we'll have you joined.  Moll. 
O bring me Death tonight, Love pitying Fates,  
Let me not see tomorrow up upon the World.  Yell. 
Are you content Sir, till then she shall be watched?  Maudl. 
Baggage you shall.  Exit Tim. 
Why Father, my Tutor and I will both watch in Armour.  Tut. 
How shall we do for Weapons?  Tim. 
Take you no care for that, if need be I can send for conquering mettle Tutor, ne'er lost day yet, 'tis but at Westminster, I am acquainted with him that keeps the Monuments, I can borrow Harry the Fifth's Sword, 'twill serve us both to watch with.  Exit S. Walt. 
I never was so near my wish, as this chance  
Makes me, ere tomorrow noon,  
I shall receive two thousand pound in Gold,  
And a sweet Maidenhead  
Worth forty.  Enter Tuchwood junior with a Waterman. T.I. 
O thy news splits me.  Wat. 
Half drowned, she cruelly tugged her by the Hair,  
Forced her disgracefully, not like a Mother.  T.I. 
Enough, leave me like my joys,  Exit Wat. 
Sir saw you not a wretched Maid pass this way?  
Heart Villain, is it thou?  Both draw and fight S. Walt. 
Yes Slave, 'tis I.  T.I. 
I must break through thee then, there is no stop  
That checks my Tongue, and all my hopeful fortunes,  
That Breast excepted, and I must have way.  S. Walt. 
Sir I believe 'twill hold your life in play.  T.I. 
Sir you'll gain the Heart in my Breast at first?  S. Walt. 
There is no dealing then, think on the Dowry for two thousand pounds.  T.I. 
O now 'tis quit Sir.  S. Walt. 
And being of even hand, I'll play no longer.  T.I. 
No longer Slave?  S. Walt. 
I have certain things to think on,  
Before I dare go further.  T.I. 
But one bout?  
I'll follow thee to death, but ha''t out.  Exit  

Actus Quintus.  Enter Allwit, his Wife, and Davy Dahumma. Wife. 
A misery of a House.  All. 
What shall become of us?  Davy 
I think his wound be mortal.  All. 
Thinkest thou so Davy?  
Then am I mortal too, but a dead Man Davy,  
This is no world for me, whene'er he goes,  
I must e'en truss up all, and after him Davy,  
A Sheet with two knots, and away.  Enter Sir Walter led in hurt. Davy 
O see Sir,  
How faint he goes, two of my Fellows lead him.  Wife 
O me!  All. 
Hyday, my wife's laid down too, here's like to be  
A good House kept, when we are altogether down,  
Take pains with her good Davy, cheer her up there,  
Let me come to his Worship, let me come.  S. Walt. 
Touch me not Villain, my wound aches at thee,  
Thou poison to my Heart.  All. 
He raves already,  
His senses are quite gone, he knows me not,  
Look up an't like your Worship, heave those Eyes,  
Call me to mind, is your remembrance lost?  
Look in my face, who am I an't like your Worship?  S. Walt. 
If any thing be worse than Slave or Villain,  
Thou art the Man.  All. 
Alas his poor worship's weakness,  
He will begin to know me by little and little.  Walt. 
No Devil can be like thee.  All. 
Ah poor Gentleman,  
methinks the pain that thou endurest.  S. Walt. 
Thou know'st me to be wicked for thy baseness  
Kept the Eyes open still on all my sins,  
None knew the dear account my soul stood charged with  
So well as thou, yet like hell's flattering Angel,  
Wouldst never tell me an't, let'st me go on,  
And join with Death in sleep, that if I had not waked  
Now by chance, even by a stranger's pity,  
I had everlastingly slept out all hope  
Of grace and mercy.  All. 
Now he is worse and worse,  
Wife, to him wife, thou wast wont to do good on him.  Wife 
How is't with you Sir?  S. Walt. 
Not as with you,  
Thou loathsome strumpet: some good pitying Man  
Remove my sins out of my sight a little,  
I tremble to behold her, she keeps back  
All comfort while she stays, is this a time,  
Unconscionable Woman, to see thee,  
Art thou so cruel to the peace of Man,  
Not to give liberty now, the Devil himself  
Shows a far fairer reverence and respect  
To goodness than thyself, he dares not do this,  
But part in time of penitence, hides his Face,  
When Man withdraws from him, he leaves the place,  
Hast thou less manners, and more impudence,  
Than thy instructor, prithee show thy modesty,  
If the least grain be left, and get thee from me,  
Thou shouldst be rather locked many Rooms hence,  
From the poor miserable sight of me,  
If either love or grace had part in thee.  Wife 
He is lost for ever.  All. 
Run sweet Davy quickly,  
And fetch the Children hither, sight of them,  
Will make him cheerful straight.  S. Walt. 
O Death! Is this  
A place for you to weep? What tears are those?  
Get you away with them, I shall fare the worse,  
As long as they are a weeping, they work against me,  
There's nothing but thy appetite in that sorrow,  
Thou weep'st for Lust, I feel it in the slackness  
Of comforts coming towards me,  
I was well till thou began'st to undo me,  
This shows like the fruitless sorrow of a careless mother  
That brings her Son with dalliance to the Gallows,  
And then stands by, and weeps to see him suffer.  Enter Davy with the Children. Davy 
There are the children Sir, an't like your worship,  
Your last fine Girl, in troth she smiles,  
Look, look, in faith Sir.  S. Walt. 
O my vengeance, let me for ever hide my cursed Face  
From sight of those that darkens all my hopes,  
And stands between me and the sight of Heaven,  
Who sees me now, ho to and those so near me,  
May rightly say, I am o'ergrown with sin,  
O how my offences wrestle with my repentance,  
It hath scarce breath,  
Still my adulterous guilt hovers aloft,  
And with her black Wings beats down all my prayers.  
Ere they be half way up, what's he knows now,  
How long I have to live? o what comes then,  
My taste grows bitter, the round World, all Gall now,  
Her pleasing pleasures now hath poisoned me,  
Which I exchanged my Soul for,  
Make way a hundred sighs at once for me.  All. 
Speak to him nick.  Nick 
I dare not, I am afraid.  All. 
Tell him he hurts his wounds What, with making moan.  S. Walt. 
Wretched, death of seven.  All. 
Come let's be talking somewhat to keep him alive  
Ah sira Wat, and did my Lord bestow that jewel on thee,  
For an Epistle thou mad'st in Latin,  
Thou art a good forward Boy, there's great joy on thee.  S. Walt. 
O sorrow!  All. 
Heart will nothing comfort him?  
If he be so far gone, 'tis time to moan,  
Here's Pen, and Ink, and Paper, and all things ready,  
will't please your Worship for to make your Will?  S. Walt. 
My Will? Yes, yes, what else? Who writes apace now?  All. 
That can your man Davy an't like your Worship,  
A fair, fast, legible Hand.  S. Walt. 
Set it down then:  
Inprimis, I bequeath to yonder Wittol,  
Three times his weight in Curses,  All. 
How?  S. Walt. 
All Plagues of Body and of Mind,  All. 
Write them not down Davy.  Davy 
It is his Will, I must.  S. Walt. 
Together also,  
With such a Sickness, ten days ere his Death.  All. 
There's a sweet Legacy,  
I am almost choked with't.  S. Walt. 
Next I bequeath to that foul whore his Wife,  
All barrenness of joy, a drought of Virtue,  
And dearth of all repentance: For her end,  
The common misery of an English Strumpet,  
In French and Dutch, beholding ere she dies  
Confusion of her Brats before her Eyes,  
And never shed a tear for it.  Enter a Servant. Seru. 
Where's the Knight?  
O Sir, the Gentleman you wounded, is newly departed.  S. Walt. 
Dead? Lift, lift, Who helps me?  All. 
Let the Law lift you now, that must have all,  
I have done lifting on you, and my Wife too.  Seru. 
You were best lock yourself close.  All. 
Not in my House Sir,  
I'll harbour no such persons as Men-slayers,  
Lock yourself where you will.  S. Walt. 
What's this?  Wife 
Why Husband.  All. 
I know what I do Wife.  Wife 
You cannot tell yet,  
For having killed the Man in his defence,  
Neither his Life, nor estate will be touched Husband.  All. 
Away Wife, hear a Fool, his Lands will hang him.  S. Walt. 
Am I denied a Chamber?  
What say you forsooth?  Wife 
Alas Sir, I am one that would have all well,  
But must obey my Husband. Prithee Love  
Let the poor Gentleman stay, being so sore wounded,  
There's a close Chamber at one end of the Garret  
We never use, let him have that I prithee.  All. 
We never use, you forget sickness then,  
And Physic times: Is't not a place for easement?  Enter a Servant. S. Walt. 
O Death! do I hear this with part  
Of former life in me? What's the news now?  Seru. 
Troth worse & worse, you're like to lose your land  
If the Law save your life Sir, or the Surgeon.  All. 
Hark you there Wife.  S. Walt. 
Why how Sir?  Seru. 
Sir Oliver Kix's Wife is new quickened,  
That Child undoes you Sir.  S. Walt. 
All ill at once.  All. 
I wonder what he makes here with his consorts?  
Cannot our House be private to ourselves,  
But we must have such Guests? I pray depart Sirs,  
And take your Murderer along with you,  
Good he were apprehended ere he go,  
H'as killed some honest Gentleman, send for Officers.  S. Walt. 
I'll soon save you that labour.  All. 
I must tell you Sir,  
You have been somewhat boulder in my House,  
Than I could well like of, I suffered you  
Till it stuck here at my Heart, I tell you truly  
I thought you had been familiar with my Wife once.  Wife 
With me? I'll see him hanged first, I defy him,  
And all such Gentlemen in the like extremity.  S. Walt. 
If ever Eyes were open, these are they,  
gamester's farewell, I have nothing left to play.  Exit All. 
And therefore get you gone Sir.  Davy 
Of all Wittols,  
Be thou the Head. Thou the grand whore of spitals.  Exit All. 
So, since he's like now to be rid of all,  
I am right glad, I am so well rid of him.  Wife 
I knew he durst not stay, when you named Officers  All. 
That stopped his Spirits straight,  
What shall we do now Wife?  Wife 
As we were wont to do.  All. 
We are richly furnished wife, with Householdstuff  Wife 
Let's let out Lodgings then,  
And take a House in the Strand.  All. 
In troth a match Wench:  
We are simply stocked, with Cloth of Tissue cushions,  
To furnish out bay-windows: Push, what not that's quaint  
And costly, from the top to the bottom:  
Life, for Furniture, we may lodge a Countess:  
There's a close-stool of tawny Velvet too,  
Now I think on't Wife.  Wife 
There's that should be Sir,  
Your Nose must be in every thing.  All. 
I have done Wench,  
And let this stand in every Gallants Chamber,  
There's no Gamester like a politic sinner,  
For whoe'er games, the Box is sure a winner.  Exit Enter Yellowhammer, and his Wife. Maudl. 
O Husband, husband, she will die, she will die  
There is no sign but death.  Yell. 
'Twill be our shame then.  Maudl. 
O how she's changed in compass of an hour:  Yell. 
Ah my poor girl! good faith thou wert too cruel  
To drag her by the Hair.  Maudl. 
You would have done as much Sir,  
To curb her of her humour.  Yell. 
'Tis curbed sweetly, she catched her bane o'th' water.  Enter Tim. Maudl. 
How now Tim.  Tim. 
Faith busy Mother about an Epitaph,  
Upon my sister's death.  Maudl. 
Death! She is not dead I hope?  Tim. 
No: but she means to be, and that's as good,  
And when a thing's done, 'tis done,  
You taught me that Mother.  Yell. 
What is your Tutor doing?  Tim. 
Making one too, in principal pure Latin,  
Culled out of Ovid de Tristibus.  Yell. 
How does your Sister look, is she not changed?  Tim. 
Changed? Gold into white Money was never so changed,  
As is my sister's colour into paleness.  Enter Moll. Yell. 
O here she's brought, see how she looks like death  Tim. 
Looks she like Death, and ne'er a word made yet,  
I must go beat my Brains against a Bedpost,  
And get before my Tutor.  Yell. 
Speak, how dost thou?  Moll. 
I hope I shall be well, for I am as sick at Heart,  
As I can be.  Yell. 
'Las my poor Girl,  
The Doctor's making a most sovereign drink for thee,  
The worst Ingredience, dissolved Pearl and Amber,  
We spare no cost Girl.  Moll. 
Your love comes too late,  
Yet timely thanks reward it: What is comfort,  
When the poor patient's Heart is past relief?  
It is no Doctors Art can cure my grief.  Yell. 
All is cast away then,  
Prithee look upon me cheerfully.  Maudl. 
Sing but a strain or two, thou wilt not think  
How 'twill revive thy Spirits: strive with thy fit,  
Prithee sweet Moll.  Moll. 
You shall have my good will Mother.  Maud. 
Why well said Wench.  THE SONG. 
Weep Eyes, break Heart,  
My Love and I must part,  
Cruel Fates, truelove do soonest sever,  
O, I shall see thee, never, never, never.  
O happy is the Maid, whose life takes end,  
Ere it knows Parents frown, or loss of friend.  
Weep Eyes, break Heart,  
My Love and I must part.  Enter Tuchwood Senior with a Letter. Maudl. 
O, I could die with Music: well sung Girl.  Moll. 
If you call it so, It was.  Yell. 
She plays the Swan, and sings herself to death.  T.S. 
By your leave Sir.  Yell. 
What are you Sir? Or what's your business pray?  T.S. 
I may be now admitted, though the Brother  
Of him your hate pursued, it spreads no further,  
Your malice sets in death, does it not Sir?  Yell. 
In Death?  T.S. 
He's dead: 'twas a dear Love to him,  
It cost him but his life, that was all Sir:  
He paid enough, poor Gentleman, for his Love.  Yell. 
There's all our ill removed, if she were well now:  
Impute not Sir, his end to any hate  
That sprung from us, he had a fair wound brought that.  T.S. 
That helped him forward, I must needs confess:  
But the restraint of Love, and your unkindness,  
Those were the wounds, that from his Heart drew Blood,  
But being past help, let words forget it too:  
Scarcely three Minutes, ere his Eyelids closed,  
And took eternal leave of this World's light,  
He wrote this Letter, which by Oath he bound me,  
To give to her own Hands, that's all my business.  Yell. 
You may perform it then, there she sits.  T.S. 
O with a following look.  Yell. 
I trust me Sir, I think she'll follow him quickly.  T.S. 
Here's some Gold,  
He willed me to distribute faithfully amongst your Servants.  Yell. 
'Las what doth he mean Sir?  T.S. 
How cheer you Mistress?  Moll. 
I must learn of you Sir.  T.S. 
Here's a Letter from a Friend of yours,  
And where that fails, in satisfaction  
I have a sad Tongue ready to supply.  Moll. 
How does he, ere I look on't?  T.S. 
Seldom better, h'as a contented health now.  Moll. 
I am most glad on't.  Maudl. 
Dead Sir?  Yell. 
He is: Now Wife let's but get the Girl  
Upon her Legs again, and to Church roundly with her.  Moll. 
O sick to Death he tells me:  
How does he after this?  T.S. 
Faith feels no pain at all, he's dead sweet Mistress.  Moll. 
Peace close mine Eyes.  Yell. 
The Girl, look to the Girl Wife.  Maudl. 
Moll, Daughter, sweet Girl speak,  
Look but once up, thou shalt have all the wishes of thy heart  
That wealth can purchase.  Yell. 
O she's gone for ever, that Letter broke her heart.  T.S. 
As good now then, as let here lie in torment,  
And then break it.  Enter Susan. Maudl. 
O Susan, she thou lovedst so dear, is gone.  Sus. 
O sweet Maid!  T.S. 
This is she that helped her still,  
I've a reward here for thee  Yell. 
Take her in,  
Remove her from our sight, our shame, and sorrow.  T.S. 
Stay, let me help thee, 'tis the last cold kindness  
I can perform for my sweet Brother's sake.  Yell. 
All the whole Street will hate us, and the World  
Point me out cruel: It is our best course Wife,  
After we have given order for the Funeral,  
To absent ourselves, till she be laid in ground.  Maudl. 
Where shall we spend that time?  Yell. 
I'll tell thee where Wench, go to some private Church,  
And marry Tim to the rich Brecknock Gentlewoman.  Maudl. 
Mass a match,  
We'll not lose all at once, somewhat we'll catch.  Exit Enter Sir Oliver and Servants. S. Ol. 
Ho my Wives quickened, I am a Man for ever,  
I think I have bestirred my stumps i'faith:  
Run, get your Fellows altogether instantly,  
Then to the Parish-Church, and ring the Bells.  Seru. 
It shall be done Sir.  S. Ol. 
Upon my love I charge you Villain, that you make a Bonfire before the Door at night.  Seru. 
A Bonfire Sir?  S. Ol. 
A thwacking one I charge you.  Seru. 
This is monstrous.  S. Ol. 
Run, tell a hundred pound out for the Gentleman  
That gave my Wife the Drink, the first thing you do.  Seru. 
A hundred pounds' Sir?  S. Ol. 
A bargain, as our joys grows,  
We must remember still from whence it flows,  
Or else we prove ungrateful multipliers:  
The Child is coming, and the Land comes after,  
The news of this will make a poor Sir Walter.  
I have struck it home i'faith.  Seru. 
That you have marry Sir.  
But will not your Worship go to the Funeral  
Of both these Lovers?  S. Ol. 
Both, go both together?  Seru. 
I Sir, the Gentleman's Brother will have it so,  
'Twill be the pitifullest sight, there's such running,  
Such rumours, and such throngs, a pair of Lovers  
Had never more spectators, more Men's pities,  
Or Women's wet Eyes.  S. Ol. 
My Wife helps the number then?  Seru. 
There's such drawing out of Handkerchers,  
And those that have no Handkerchers, lift up Aprons.  S. Ol. 
Her Parents may have joyful Hearts at this,  
I would not have my cruelty so talked on,  
To any Child of mine, for a Monopoly.  Seru. 
I believe you Sir.  
'Tis cast so too, that both their Coffins meet,  
Which will be lamentable.  S. Ol. 
Come, we'll see't.  Exit Recorders dolefully playing: Enter at one Door the Coffin of the Gentleman, solemnly decked, his Sword upon it, attended by many in Black, his Brother being the chief Mourner: At the other Door, the Coffin of the Virgin, with a Garland of Flowers, with epitapher pined on't, attended by Maids and Women: Then set them down one right over-against the other, while all the Company seem to weep and mourn, there is a sad Song in the music-room. T.S. 
Never could Death boast of a richer prize  
From the first Parent, let the World bring forth  
A pair of truer Hearts, to speak but truth  
Of this departed Gentleman, in a Brother,  
Might by hard censure, be called flattery,  
Which makes me rather, silent in his right,  
Then so to be delivered to the thoughts,  
Of any envious hearer, starved in virtue,  
And therefore pining to hear others thrive.  
But for this Maid, whom Envy cannot hurt  
With all her Poisons, having left to Ages,  
The true, chaste Monument of her living name,  
Which no time can deface, I say of her  
The full truth freely, without fear of censure  
What Nature could there shine, that might redeem  
Perfection home to Woman, but in her  
Was fully glorious, beauty set in goodness  
Speaks what she was, that jewel so infixed,  
There was no want of any thing of life,  
To make these virtuous presidents, Man and Wife.  Allw. 
Great pity of their deaths.  All 
ne'er more pity.  Lady 
It makes a hundred weeping Eyes, sweet Gossip.  T.S. 
I cannot think, there's any one amongst you,  
In this full fair assembly, Maid, Man, or Wife,  
Whose Heart would not have sprung with joy & gladness  
To have seen their marriage day?  All 
It would have made a thousand joyful Hearts.  T.S. 
Up then apace, and take your fortunes,  
Make these joyful Hearts, here's none but Friends.  All 
Alive Sir? o sweet dear Couple.  T.S. 
Nay, do not hinder 'em now, stand from about 'em,  
If she be caught again, and have this time,  
I'll ne'er plot further for 'em, nor this honest chambermaid  
That helped all at a push.  T.S. 
Good Sir a pace.  Pars. 
Hands join now, but Hearts for ever,  
Which no parent's mood shall sever.  
You shall forsake all Widows, Wives, and Maids:  
You, Lords, Knights, Gentlemen, and Men of Trades:  
And if in haste, any Article misses,  
Go interline it with a brace of kisses.  T.S. 
Here's a thing trolled nimbly. Give you joy brother  
Were't not better thou shouldst have her,  
Than the Maid should die?  Wife 
To you sweet Mistress Bride.  All 
joy, joy to you both.  T.S. 
Here be your Wedding Sheets you brought along with you, you may both go to Bed when you please too.  T.I. 
My joy wants utterance.  T.S. 
Utter all at night than Brother.  Moll. 
I am silent with delight.  T.S. 
Sister, delight will silence any Woman,  
But you'll find your Tongue again, among Maid Servants,  
Now you keep House, Sister.  All 
Never was hour, so filled with joy and wonder.  T.S. 
To tell you the full story of this chambermaid,  
And of her kindness in this business to us,  
'Twould ask an hour's discourse: In brief 'twas she,  
That wrought it to this purpose cunningly.  All 
We shall all love her for't.  Enter Yellowhammer, and his Wife. All. 
See who comes here now.  T.S. 
A storm, a storm, but we are sheltered for it.  Yell. 
I will prevent you all, and mock you thus,  
You, and your expectations, I stand happy,  
Both in your lives, and your heart's combination.  T.S. 
Here's a strange day again.  Yell. 
The Knights proved Villain,  
all's come out now, his Niece an arrant Baggage,  
My poor Boy Tim, is cast away this morning,  
Even before Breakfast: Married a Whore  
Next to his Heart.  All 
A Whore?  Yell. 
His Niece forsooth.  Allw. 
I think we rid our Hands in good time of him.  Wife 
I knew he was past the best, when I gave him over.  
What is become of him pray Sir?  Yell. 
Who the Knight? he lies i'th' Knights ward now.  
Your Belly Lady begins to blossom, there's no peace for him  
His Creditors are so greedy.  S. Ol. 
Mr Tuchwood, hear'st thou this news?  
I am so endeared to thee for my wife's fruitfulness,  
That I charge you both, your Wife and thee,  
To live no more asunder for the World's frowns,  
I have Purse, and Bed, and Board for you:  
Be not afraid to go to your business roundly,  
Get Children, and I'll keep them.  T.S. 
Say you so Sir?  S. Ol. 
Prove me, with three at a birth, & thou dar'st now.  T.S. 
Take heed how you dare a Man, while you live Sir  
That has good skill at his Weapon.  Enter Tim and Welsh Gentlewoman. S. Ol. 
'Foot, I dare you Sir.  Yell. 
Look Gentlemen, if ever you say the picture  
Of the unfortunate Marriage, yonder 'tis.  W.G. 
Nay good sweet Tim.  Tim. 
Come from the University,  
To marry a Whore in London, with my Tutor too?  
O Tempora! O Mors!  Tut. 
Prithee Tim be patient.  Tim. 
I bought a jade at Cambridge,  
I'll let her out to execution Tutor,  
For eighteen pence a day, or Brainford Horseraces,  
She'll serve to carry seven Miles out of Town well.  
Where be these Mountains? I was promised Mountains,  
But there's such a Mist, I can see none of 'em.  
What are become of those two thousand Runts?  
Let's have about with them in the mean time.  
A Vengeance Runt thee.  Maudl. 
Good sweet Tim have patience.  Tim 
Flectere si neguro Superos Acheronta mourbo, mother  Maudl. 
I think you have married her in Logic Tim.  
You told me once, by Logic you would prove  
A Whore, an honest Woman, prove her so Tim  
And take her for thy labour.  Tim. 
Troth I thank you.  
I grant you I may prove another Man's Wife so,  
But not mine own.  Maudl. 
There's no remedy now Tim,  
You must prove her so as well as you may.  Tim. 
Why then my Tutor and I will about her,  
As well as we can.  
Uxor non est Meritrix, ergo falacis.  W.G. 
Sir if your Logic cannot prove me honest,  
There's a thing called Marriage, and that makes me honest.  Maudl. 
O there's a trick beyond your Logic Tim.  Tim. 
I perceive then a Woman may be honest according to the English Print, when she is a Whore in the Latin.  
So much for Marriage and Logic. I'll love her for her Wit, I'll pick out my Runts there: And for my Mountains, I'll mount upon—  Yell. 
So Fortune seldom deals two Marriages  
With one Hand, and both lucky: The best is,  
One Feast will serve them both: Marry for room,  
I'll have the Dinner kept in Goldsmiths-Hall,  
To which kind Gallants, I invite you all.  
FINIS.