THE family OF LOVE.  
Acted by the Children of his majesties Revels.  
Lectori. Sydera iungamus, facito mihi jupiter adsit, Et tibi Mercurius noster dabit omnia saxon.  
 
At London Printed for john Helms, and are to be sold in Saint Dunstan's Churchyard in Fleetstreet. 1608.   

To the Reader.  
TOo soon and too late, this work is published: Too soon, in that it was in the Press, before I had notice of it, by which means some faults may escape in the Printing. Too late, for that it was not published when the general voice of the people had sealed it for good, and the newness of it made it much more desired, then at this time: For Plays in this City are like wenches new fallen to the trade, only desired of your neatest gallants, whiles they are fresh: when they grow stale they must be vented by Termers and Country chapmen. I know not how this labour will please, Sure I am it passed the censure of the Stage with a general applause, now (whether vox populi be vox dei or no) that I leave to be tried by the acute judgement of the famous six wits of the City: Farewell.   

Actorum Nomina.  

Glister— A Doctor of Physic.  
Purge— A jealous Pothecary.  
dry-fat— A Merchant, a brother of the Family.  
Gerardine— A Lover.  
lipsalve— Two Gallants that only pursue City Lechery.  
Guggin— Two Gallants that only pursue City Lechery.  
Club— A Prentice.  
vial— Servant to Glister.  
Smelled and periwinkle. Pages to the Gallants.   

Women.  
Mistress Glister.  
Mistress Purge— An Elder in the Family.  
Maria— Niece to Glister.    

prologus.  
IF for opinion hath not blazed his fame,  
Nor expectation filled the general round,  
You deem his labours slight, you both confound  
Your graver judgement and his merits.  
Impartial hearing fits judicious spirits,  
Nor let the fruit of many an hour fall,  
By envies tooth, or base detractions gall.  
Both which are tokens of such abject spirits,  
Which wanting worth, themselves hate other merits:  
Or else of such, which once made great by fame,  
Repine at those which seek t'attain the same.  
From both we know all truer judgements free  
To them our muse with blushing modesty  
Patiently to her entreats their favour,  
Which done, with judgement praise, or else dislike the labour.   


ACTVS PRIMVS.  

Actus Primus, scena prima.  Enter Doctor Glister, his wife, and Maria. Glister. 
tricks and shows; protestations with men are like tears with women, forgot ere the cheek be dry: Gerardine is a gentleman, his Lands be in Statutes: 'a is not for thee nor thou for him, 'a is a Gallant, and young thoughts be most unconstant.  Ma. 
Yet young vines yield most wine.  Mist. Glist. 
But old veins the best, believe not these great breeched gallants, they love for profit, not for affection, if 'a brings thee to a fools paradise, 'a will forsake thee.  Glist. 
Which fortune, God send my enemy: Love is a cold heat, a bitter sweet, a pleasure full of pain, a huge loss, and no gain, why shouldst thou love him only?  Ma. 
Words cannot force what destiny hath sealed,  
Who can resist the influence of his stars,  
Or give a reason why a loves, or hates  
Since our affections are not ruled by will,  
But will by our affections. 'tis blasphemy  
'gainst loves most sacred deity, to axe  
Why we do love, since 'tis his only power  
That sways all our affections, all things which be  
Beasts, Birds, Men, Gods, pay him their fealty  Glister. 
Tut, Love is an idle fantasy, bred by desire, nursed by delight, An humour that begins his dominion in Leo the Lion, the sign of the heart, and ends in Aries the Ram, the sign of the head, His power is to stir the blood, pricks up the flesh, fills all the body with a libidinous humour, and is indeed the overture of all Ladies: which to prevent, I have banished Gerardine (your dearly beloved) my house, and as for you, since I   
Lyp. 
In her smile deceitful.  Gug. 
in her hate revengeable.  Lip. 
And in nothing but her death acceptable, I'll tell thee: there's no creature more desirous of an honest name and worse keeps it, than a woman, Dost here, follow this song & if ever thou forsake thy Country for a wagtail, let me be whipped to death with ladies' hair-laces.  Gera. 
Let's here that worthy song Gentle master Lipsalve.  Lips. 
Observe? Now if I list will I love no more  
Nor longer wait upon a gill.  
Since every place now yields a wench  
If one will not another will;  
And if what I have heard be true  
Then young and old, and all will do:  
How dost thou like this? man.  Gerar. 
No more no more,  
This is the chamber which Confines my love,  
This is the Abstract of the spacious world,  
Within it holds a gem, so rich so rare  
That Art or nature never yet could set  
A valued prize to her in valued worth.  Lip. 
Valued worth, ha ha ha! Why? she's but a woman,  
And they are windy turning veins, love light as chaff which when  
Our nourishing grains are winnowed from them,  
Unconstantly they fly at the least wind of passion  
A woman's eye, can turn itself with quick dexterity  
And in each wanton glass can comprehend  
Their sundry fancy suited to each fend  
tut their loves are all compact of levity  
even like themselves, Nil muliere lenius.  Gug. 
Tut man every one knows their worth, when they are at a rack rent; In the term time, they bear as great a prize as wheat when transportations are.—  Gera. 
Peace let's draw near the window and listen if we may hear her.  Enter Maria at the window, Ma. 
Debarred of liberty! Oh that this flesh  
could like swift moving thoughts transfer itself,  
From place to place, unseen and undissolved:  
Then should no iron ribs, or Churlish flint  
divide my love and me, Dear Gerardin  
despite of Chance or Guardians Tyranny,  
Jde move within thy orb and thou in mine.  Lip. 
She'd move within thy orb, and thou in hers, blood she talk bawdy to herself: Guggin stand close;  Ma. 
But in vain do I proclaim my grief,  
when air and walls can yield me no relief.  Gug. 
The walls are the more stony hearted then,  Lip. 
Peace good gudgeon gape not so loud.  Ma. 
Come thou my best companion, thou art sensible  
and canst my wrongs reiterate; Thou and I.  
will make some mirth in spite of Tyranny:  
The black browed night drawn in her pithy wain  
In starry spangled pride rides now over heaven  
Now is the time when stealing minutes tell  
The stole delight joyed by all faithful lovers  
Now loving souls contrive both place & means,  
for wished pastimes only I am pent  
within the closure of this fatal wall  
deprived of all my joys.  Ger. 
My dear Maria be Comforted in this?  
the frame of heaven shall sooner seize to move,  
bright Phoebus' Steeds leave their diurnal race  
and all that is forsake their natural being  
Ere I forget thy love.  Ma. 
Who is that protests so fast?  Ger. 
Thy ever vowed servant Gerardine.  Ma. 
O By your vows it seems you'd fain get up  Lip. 
I and ride to.  Ger. 
I would most loved Maria.  Ma. 
I knew it: he that to get up to a fair woman  
will stick to vow and swear, may be accounted no man,  
but tell me why hast thou chose this hour to visit me?  
which nor the day nor night can claim but both  
or neither, why in this twilight camest thou?  Ger. 
T'avoid suspicious eyes, I come dear love  
To take my last farewell, fitting this hour  
which nor bright day will claim nor pitchy night  
An hour sit to part conjoined souls,  
Since that my native soil will not afford  
My wished and best content, I will forsake it  
And prove more strange to it than it to me.  
In times swift course all things shall find event  
be it good or ill, & destinies do grant  
That most preposterous courses often gain,  
What labour and direct proceedings miss.  Mar. 
wilt thou forsake me then?  Ger. 
Let first blessed life forsake me, be constant  
My absence may procure thy more enlarge  
and then—  Ma. 
desire's conceit is quick, I apprehend thee  
Be thou as loyal, as I constant prove,  
And time shall knit our mutual knot of love,  
Wear this my loves true pledge: I need not wish  
I know thou wilt return, or will I say  
Thou mayst conceal thyself being returned  
till I may make escape and visit thee.  
I prithee love attempt not to ascend  
my Chamber window by a lathered rope?  
th' entrance is too narrow: except this post  
Which may with ease, yet that is dangerous:  
I pray thee do it not I here some call: Farewell  
my constant love let after actions tell;  Exit Maria. Ger. 
O perfection of women!  
A plague of such perfection, How she woes, by negatives shows  Gug. 
Thee? what to do? under colour of dissuasion  Ger. 
she's truly virtuous.  Lip. 
Tut man outward appearance is no authentic instance of the inward desires, women have sharp falcons eyes, and can soar aloft, but keep them like Falcons from flesh and they soon stoop to a gaudy lure.  Gera. 
Why then Huguenot women are admirable Angels.  Gugg. 
But Angels make them admirable devils.  Gera. 
My loves chaste smile to all the world doth speak her spotless innocence.  Lipsalve. 
Women's smiles are more of custom then of courtesy, women are creatures, their hearts and they are full of holes, apt to receive but not retain affection; Thou wilt tomorrow thou sayst be gone, if thou wilt know the worst of a countries marry before thou goest, for if thou canst endure a cursed wife, never care what company thou comest in.  Gerar. 
Come merry gallants, will you associate me to my Cousin Purges the pothecaries, and take part of my parting feasts tonight.  Gug. 
O his wife is of the family of Love, I'll thither, perhaps I may prove of the Fraternity in time, we'll thither that's flat.  Exeunt omnes.  

Act. 1. Sena. 3.  Enter Mistress Purge Sola. 
What Club, Club, is Club within there.  Enter Club. Club. 
Mistress.  Mist. Purge. 
I pray what said Master Doctor Glister, will 'a come.  Club. 
'a sent word 'a would, for 'a was but to carry a diet to one of his patients; what call you her, she that paints a day times, and looks fair and fresh, on the outside, but in the night time is filthier than the inside of Bocardo, and is indeed far more unsavoury that know her forsooth.  Mist. Pur. 
Went a to her.  Club. 
'a had a receipt for the Grincomes in his hand, and a said a would take that in his way.  Mist. Pur. 
'tis well, and what guest besides him & his wife will be here at supper.  Club. 
The first in my Account is Master Gerarine your cousin: Master Doctor Glister and his wife: Master Drifat the Merchant, Master Lipsalve the Courtier, Master Guggin the gallant, and their pages. These I take will be your full number.  Mi. Pur. 
Then belike my room shall be stuffed with Courtiers and gallants tonight: of all men I love not these gallants, they'll prate much but do little, they are people most uncertain: They use great words, but little sense: great Beards, but little wit: Great breeches but no money.  Club. 
That was the last thing they swore away.  Mi. Pur. 
Belike they cannot fetch it again with swearing, for if they could, there's not a page of theirs, but would be as rich as a monarch.  Club. 
there's nothing mistress that is sworn out of date, that returns; their first oath in times past was by the Mass: And that they have sworn quite away: Then came they to their Faith, as by my Faith 'tis so: That in a short time was sworn away too; For no man believes now more than 'a sees. Then they swore by their honesties, and that Mistress you know is sworn quite away: After their honesties was gone, then came they to their Gentility, and swore, as they were Gentlemen: and their Gentility they swore away so fast, that they had almost sworn away all the Ancient Gentry out of the Land, which indeed are scarce missed: for that Yeomen and farmers' Sons, with the help of a few Welshmen, have undertook to supply their places. That at the last they came to Silver; and their Oath was, by the Cross of this silver, and swore so fast upon that, that now they have scarce left them a Cross for to Swear by.  Mist. Purge. 
And what do they swear by now their money is gone.  Club. 
Why by() and God refuse them.  Mist. Pur. 
And can they not as well say men refuse them, as God refuse them.  Club. 
No mistress, for men, especially Citizens and rich men, have refused them their bonds and protestations already.  Enter Master Purge. Mistress Pur. 
'tis well, see how supper goes forward, and that my shoes be very well blacked, against I go to the Family.  Exit Club. 
Now sweet Chick, where hast thou been, in troth law I am not well, I had thought to have spent the morning at the Family, but now I am resolved to take pills, and therefore I pray thee desire Doctor Glister that 'a would minister to me, in the morning.  Mast. Pur. 
Thy will is known, and this for answer say,  
'tis fit that wisemen should their wives obey.  
And now sweet duck know, I have been for my cousin Gerardine's Will and have it, 'a has given thee a legacy, but the total is Maria's.  Enter Master Glister, Master Dryfatt, and Mistress Glister. 
Master Doctor, your wife and master dry-fat are most welcome, now were my cousin Gerardine & Master Lipsalve here, our number were complete.  Do. Glist. 
Is this frantic Will done, will master Gerardine to sea, let me tell you I am no whit sorry, let such as will be headstrong bite on the bridle.  Ma. Purge. 
'tis here master Doctor, all his worth is Maria's and locked in a trunk, which by tomorrow Sun, shall be delivered to your custody.  Dry. 
methinks 'twere a reasonable match to bestow your Niece on master Gerardine: 'a is a most hopeful gentleman, and his revenue such, that having your Nieces portion to clear it of all encumbrances, 'twill maintain them both in a very worthy degree.  Doctor Glist. 
Tut, you are master Dryfatt the Merchant, your skill is greater in coney-skins and woolpacks, then in Gentlemen, his Lands be in Statutes, you Merchants were wont to be Merchant staplers, but now Gentlemen have gotten up the trade, for there is not one gentleman amongst twenty but his land be engaged in twenty Statutes staple.  Enter Lipsalve, Gerardine and Guggin. Lipsalve. 
Let every man his humour have, I do at none repine,  
I never regard whose wench I kiss, nor who doth the like by mine:  
Th' indifferent minds I hold still best, whatever does befall,  
For she that will do with me and thee, will be a wench for all; and how goes the squares.  Ma. Pur. 
Your stay gentleman does wrong to a great many of good stomachs, your suppers expect you.  Guggin. 
And we our suppers.  Doct. 
And from what good exercise come you three.  Gera. 
From a play, where we saw most excellent Sampson excel the whole world in gate carrying.  Dry-Fat 
Was it performed by the youths.  Lypsal. 
By youths: why I tell thee we saw Sampson, and I hope 'tis not for youths to play Sampson: Believe it we saw Sampson bear the Town gates on his neck, from the lower to the upper stage, with that life and admirable accord, that it shall never be equalled (unless the whole new livery of Porters set their shoulders)  Mist. Pur. 
Fie fie, 'tis pity young Gentlemen can bestow their time no better, This playing is not lawful, for I cannot find that either plays or players were allowed in the prime Church of Ephesus by the Elders.  Dry. 
Aha, I think she tickled you there.  Ma. Purge. 
x Gerardine, shall the Will be read before supper?  Gera. 
Before supper I beseech you.  Lyp. 
I, ay, before supper, for when these women's bellies be full their bones will be soon at rest.  Dry. 
Well Master Doctor Pity the state of a poor gentleman it is in you to stay his journey, and make him & yourself happy in his choice.  Glist. 
Hold you content shall this Will be read?  Ma. Purge. 
It shall, read you good Master Lipsalve.  Lyp. 
Command silence then.  Gug. 
Silence.  Lyp. 
In the name of God Amen. Know all men by these presence, that I Gerardine being strong of body, and perfect in sense.  Dry. 
That's false, there's no lover in his perfect sense.  Gug. 
Peace dry-fat.  Lypsal. 
Do give and grant to Maria Glister: Daughter of john Glister, and Niece to doctor Glister Physician, all my leases, lands, Chattels, goods and movables whatsoever: This is stark nought, you cannot give away your movables, for Mistress Doctor and Mistress Purge, claim both shares in your movables by reason of their legacies.  Dry. 
That's true, for their legacies must go out of your movables.  Lyp. 
I put it in all my movables, these following Legacies being paid.  Gerar. 
Do so good Master lipsalve.  Lyp. 
'tis done.  Mist. Purge. 
I pray read only the Legacies, for Supper stays.  Lyp. 
Well, the Legacies, first I give to my Cousin Mistress Purge A fair large standing, what's this, O Cup; A fair large standing cup, with a close stool.  Dry. 
'tis not so, 'tis not so.  Lyp. 
I cry you mercy, a close cover 'tis, To mistress Doctor I give a fair Bodkin of gold, with two orient Pearls attending the same: All which are in my Trunk to be delivered to the keeping of Maria, In witness, &c. Is this your Will?  Gerar. 
'tis.  Lip. 
To it with your hand and seal.  Mist. Purge. 
How is it Chick, I must have the standing Cup, and mistress Glister the bodkin.  Mast. Purge. 
Right sweet Duck.  Gerar. 
I pray gentlemen put to your hands.  Dry. 
Come, your fists Gentlemen your fists.  Gerar. 
Mistress Glister, I have found you always more flexible to understand the estate of a poor gentleman, than your husband was willing, therefore I have thought it a point of charity to reveal the wrongs you sustained by your husband's looseness. Let me tell you in private, that the Doctor cuckolds Purgo oftener than he visits one of his patients: what 'a spares from you, 'a spends lavishly on her: These Pothecaries are a kind of panders, look to it, if 'a keep Maria long close, it is for some lascivious end of his own.  Mi. Gli. 
She is his Niece.  Ger. 
Tut, these Doctors have tricks, your niceness is such, that you can endure no polluted shows in your house, take heed lest 'a make you a Bawd before your time, look to it.  Lipsalve. 
Come, our hands are testimonies to thy follies, shall's now to supper, we'll have a health go round to thy voyage.  Gud. 
I and to all that forswear marriage, and can be content with other men's wives.  Ger. 
Of which consort you two are grounds, one touches  
the Base, and the other tickles the minikin.  
But to our cheer, come gentles let's away,  
The Roastmeat's in consumption by our stay.  Exeunt.  
Finis Act. Primi.   

ACTVS SECVNDVS.  

Actus Secundus, scena prima.  Enter Master Purge. 
THe grey eyed morning Braves me to my face, and calls me sluggard, 'tis time for Tradesmen to be in their shops, for he that tends well his shop, and hath an alluring wife, with a graceful what de lack, shall be sure to have good doings, and good doings is that, that crowns so many Citizens, with the horns of abundance. My wife (by ordinary course) should this morning have been at the Family, but now her soft Pillow hath given her counsel to keep her bed, Master Doctor should (indeed) minister to her: to whose pills she is so much accustomed, that now her body looks for them as duly, as the Moon shakes off the old, and borrows new horns. I smile to myself to hear our Knights and gallants say, how they gull us Citizens, when indeed we gull them, or rather, they gull themselves: Here they come (in Term time,) higher Chambers, and perhaps kiss our wives: Well: what lose I by that: God's blessing on's heart I say still, that makes much of my wife, for they were very hard favoured, that none could find in's heart to love but ourselves: Drugs would be dog cheap but for my private well practised doctor, and such customers. Tut, jealousy is a hell, and they that will thrive, must utter their wares as they can, and wink at small faults.  Enter Doctor Glister. Glist. 
The tedious night is past, and the jocund morn looks more lively and fresh, than an old gentlewoman's glazed face in a new periwig; By this time my humorous lover is at Gravesend, and I go with more joy to fetch his trunk, than ever the valiant Trojans did to draw in the Grecian jade, his goods shall into the walls of my Troy, and be offered to a face more lively, then ever was that thrice ravished Helen, yet with such Caution, that no danger shall happen to me.  Lypsalue and Gudgin at several doors, with their Pages, shrimp and Periwinde. Gud. 
Master Lipsalve, welcome within ken, we two are so nearly linked, that if thou be'st absent but one two hours, thy acquaintance grows almost mouldy in my memory.  Lip. 
And then fly blown in mine how dost thou do.  Shrim. 
Fellow page, I think our acquaintance runs low to, but if it run not o' the lees, let's set it a tilt, and give 'em some dregs to their mouldy fly blown compliments.  Peri. 
No rather let's pierce the roundlets of our running heads and give 'em a neat cup of wagship, to put down their Courtship.  Shr. 
Courtship, Cartship: for the tongues of Complementers run on wheels: but mark 'em they ha' not done yet.  Gud. 
And i'faith how is't: methinks thou hast been a long vagrant.  Lip. 
The Rogation hath been long indeed: therefore we may salute as ceremoniously as Lawyers when they meet after a long vacation, who to renew the discontinud state Tale, they stretch it out with such length, that whilst they greet before, their Clients kiss them behind.  Shr. 
If his nose were put i'the remainder of that state Tale, he would say 'twere an unsavoury one.  Peri. 
I wonder why many men gird so at the Law.  Shr. 
I'll tell thee, because they themselves have neither Law nor conscience.  Gud. 
But what news now? how stands the state of things at Brussels.  Lip. 
Faith weak and limber, weak and limber: nothing but pride and double dealing, virtue is Vice's lackey; beggars suck like horse leeches at the heart of bounty, and loves theme so tired and spurgald, that he can be no longer ridden with honesty.  Gud. 
Well fare the City yet: there virtue rides a cockhorse cherished and kept warm in good sables, and Fox fur, and with the breath of his nostrils, drives pride and covetousness before him, like's own shadow: beggars have whipping cheer, bounty obliges men to't, gives money for Scrips and Scrolls, & liberality sealed with strong Arms and Heraldry, to out live mortality: love there will see the last man borne, never give over while there's an Arrow i'th' Quiver.  Lip. 
Now we talk of love, I do know not far hence so good a subject for that humour, that if she would wear but the standing colour, and her things in fashion, our Ladies in the Court were but brown sugar-candy, as gross as grocery to her.  Gud. 
She is not so sweet as a pothecary's shop is she?  Lip. 
A plague on you, ha' you so good a sent? for my life he's my Rival.  Gudgin. 
Her Name begins with mistress Purge does it not?  Lip. 
True, the only comet of the City.  Gud. 
ay, if she would let her Ruffs stream out a little wider; but I am sure she is ominous to me, she makes civil wars and insurrections in the state of my stomach: I had thought to have bound myself from love, but her purging comfits makes me lose bodied still.  Lip. 
What has she ministered to thee then?  Gud. 
Faith some Lectuary or so.  Lipsalve. 
I, I fear she takes too much of that Lectuary to stoop to love, it keeps her body soluble from sin, she is not troubled with carnal crudities, nor the binding of the flesh.  Gud. 
Thou hast sounded her then belike.  Lypsalue. 
Not I: I am too shallow to sound her, she's out of my Element, if I show passion, and discourse of love to her, she tells me I am wide from the right scope, she says she has another Object, and aims at a better Love than mine.  Gud. 
O that's her husband.  Lip. 
No, no, she speaks pure devotion, she's impenetrable, no gold, or Oratory, no virtue in herbs, nor no physic will make her love.  Gudgin. 
More is the pity I say, that fair women should prove Saints, before Age had made them crooked: 'tis my luck to be crossed still, but I must not give over the chase.  Lip. 
Come hither boy while I think on't.  Lipsalve and shrimp confer. Gud. 
Faith friend Lipsalve I perceive you would fain play with my love, a pure creature 'tis, for whom I have sought every Angle of my brain: but either she scorns Courtiers (as most of them do, because, they are given to boast of their doings) or else she's exceeding straight laced: therefore to prevent this smell smock, I'll to my friend Doctor Glister, (a man exquisite in th' Art magic) who hath told me of many rare experiments available in this case: Farewell friend lipsavle.  Exit Gud. and Periwind. Lip. 
Adieu honest Gregorio, frequent my lodging, I have a Viol de gamba and good Tobacco: Thou wilt do this feat boy?  Shr. 
Else knock my head and my pate together,  Exit shrimp. Lip. 
Away then bid him bring his measure with him: Gerardine is travelled, and I must needs be cast into his mould: my flesh grows proud; and Maria's a sweet wench, &c. But yet I must not let fall my suit with mistress Purge, lest (Cede vacanti) my friend gudgeon join issue: I'll rather to my learned Doctor for a spell, for I have a fire in my liver, burns like Hell.  Exit. Enter Mistress Glister and Maria. Mist. Glist. 
I pray let's have no polluted feet nor Rheumatic chaps enter the house, I shall have my flower look more greasy shortly, than one of your Inn of Court dining Tables: and now to you good Niece I bend my speech, let me tell you plainly, you are a fool to be lovesick for any man, longer than he is in your company, are you so ignorant in the rules of Courtship, to think any one man to bear all the prick and praise? I tell thee, be he never so proper, there is another to second him.  Ma. 
Let rules of Courtship be authentic still,  
To such as do pursue variety,  
But unto those whose modest thoughts do tend.  
To honoured Nuptials, and a regular life  
As far from show of niceness, as from that  
Of impure thoughts, all other objects seem  
Respectless, of no proportion balanced with esteem  
Of what their souls affect.  Mist. Glist. 
No marvel sure you should regard these men with such reverend opinion, there's few good faces, and fewer graces in any of them, if one among a multitude have a good pair of legs, he never leaves riding the ring, till he has quite marred the proportion: nay some (as I have heard) wanting lineaments to their liking, and Calf to support themselves, are fain to use Art, and supply themselves with quilted Calves, which oftentimes in reveling fall about their Ankles, and for their behaviour, wit and discourse (except some few that are traveled) it is as imperfectious and silly, as your Scholars new come from the University, by this light I think we lose part of our happiness when we make these weathercocks our equals.  Ma. 
Disgrace not that for which our sect was made,  
Society in nuptial beds above these joys  
Which lovers taste, when their conjoined lips  
Suck forth each others souls, the earth the Air,  
Yea Gods themselves know none: Elysium's sweet  
I all that bliss which Poets pens describe  
Are only known, when soft and amorous folds,  
Entwine the Corpse of two united lovers,  
Where what they wish, they have yet still desire,  
And sweets are known without society.  Enter Wall. Nun. 
here's Club forsooth and his fellow prentice have brought master Gerardine's Trunk.  Mist. Glist. 
Let them come in if their feet be clean.  Ex. 
So then your best beloved is gone, fair weather after him; all thy passions go with him, recomfort thyself wench in a better choice, his love to thee would have been of no longer continuance than the untrussing of his hose, then why shouldst thou pine for such a one.  Maria. 
she's foolish sure, with what imperfect phrase,  
And shallow wit she answers me.  Enter Club and another with the Trunk. Mist. Gli. 
Honest Club welcome, is this master Gerardine's Trunk? he is gone then?  Club. 
I indeed mistress Glister, he is departed this transitory City, but his whole substance is here enclosed, which (by command) we here deliver to your custody, to the use of mistress Maria according to the tenure of the premises.  Mi. Gli. 
Place it here my honest Club, well done: and how does thy mistress. was she at the Family today,— spit not good Club, I can not abide it.  Club. 
Not today forsooth, she hath overcharged herself and her memory, she means to use a moderation, and take no more than she can make use of.  Mi. Gli. 
And I pray thee Club what kind of creatures are these Familists, thou art conversant with them.  Club. 
What are they? With reverence be it spoken, they are the most accomplished Creatures under heaven, in them is all perfection.  Mi. Gli. 
As how good Club?  Club. 
Omitting their outward graces, I'll show you only one instance which includes all other: they love their neighbours better than themselves.  Mi. Gli. 
Not than themselves Club.  Club. 
Yes better than themselves, for they love them better than their husbands, and husband and wife are all one; therefore better than themselves.  Mi. Glist. 
This is logic. But tell me doth she not endeavour to bring my Doctor of her side and Fraternity.  Club. 
Let him resolve that himself for here he comes.  Enter Doctor Glister. Do. Gli. 
O: hast thou brought the Trunk honest Club, I commend thy honest care, here's for thy pains.  Club. 
I thank you master Doctor, you are free and liberal still, you'll command me nothing back?  Exit. Doct. Glist. 
Nothing but commendations, farewell: your sweet heart Gerardine is by this time cold of his hope to enjoy thee: he's gone, and a more equal and able husband shall my care ere long provide thee: what clients have been here in my absence wife?  Mi. Glist. 
Faith Mouse none that I know, more than an old woman that had lost her Cat, and came to you for a Spell in the recovery.  Doctor Glist. 
I think egregious ignorance will go near to save this age, their blindness takes me for a conjuror: yesterday a justice of peace salutes me, with proffer of a brace of Angels to help him to his foot-cloth, some 3. days before stolen, and was feign to use his man's cloak in stead on't.  Enter Vial. Nun. 
here's a gentleman craves speech with you sir.  Exeunt Mistress Glister and Maria. Do. Gli. 
Go in sweet wife, and give my Niece good counsel: His name.  Nun. 
He will not tell it me.  Do. Glist. 
His countenance.  Nun. 
I can see nothing but his eyes; the rest of him is so rapt in cloak, that it suffers no view.  Enter Lipsalve. Do. Glist. 
Admit him, what should he be for a man: what Master Lipsalve is't you? why thus obscured, what discontent overshadows you.  Lip. 
A discontent indeed Master Doctor, which to shake off, I must have you extend your Art to the utmost bounds: you Physicians are as good as false doors behind hangings to Ladies necessary uses: you know the very hour in which they have neither will to deny, nor wit to mistrust: faith now by the way, when are women most apt.  Do. Gli. 
Shall I unbutton myself unto you; after the receipt of a purgation. for then are their pores most open: but what creature of a Courtier is it, hath drawn your head into the woodcock's noose.  Lyp. 
A Courtier? nay by this flesh, I am clean fallen out with them, they have nothing proportionable.  Do. Glist. 
O I perceive then 'tis some City Star that attracts your aspect.  Lip. 
He knows by his Art— in plain terms a certain Pothecaries wife.  Do. Glist. 
Upon my life master Purge, I smell you sir.  Lyp. 
You may smell a man after a purgation indeed: Sir, 'tis she: Now for that same hath bruited you to be a man expert in negromancy, I would endeavour myself to you for ever, would you vouchsafe to let one of your Spirits bring Mistress Purge into some convenient place, where I might enjoy her: I have heard of the like, can you perform this.  Do. Gli. 
With much facility I assure you: but you must understand, that the apparition of a spirit is dreadful, and with all covetous, and with no small sum of gold hired to such feats.  Nun. 
Sir here's another gentleman muffled too, that desires present conference with you.  Doct. Glist. 
Walk you into that room, I will bethink myself for your good, and instantly resolve you; let the gentleman come in: Lipsalve in love with my vessel of ease? come to me to help him to a morsel most affected by mine own palate? No more but so, I have shaped it, the conceit tickles me.  Enter Gudgin. 
Sir, as a stranger I welcome you, what master gudgeon have I caught you: I thought it was a gallant that walked muffled, Come, let me behold you at full, here are no Sergeants man.  Gud. 
Master Doctor, this my obscure coming requires an action more obscure: and in brief this 'tis; Sir, you are held a man far seen in nature's secrets, I know you can effect many things almost impossible; know than I love mistress Purge, and opportunity favours me not, nor indeed is she so tractable as I expected, if either by medicine, or your Art magical, you can work her to my will, I have a poor Gallants reward sir.  Doct, Glist. 
That's just nothing. But how sir would you have me to procure you access to mistress Purge, you never knew a physician a bawd.  Gud. 
Why by conjuration (I tell you) wherein you are said to be as well practised, as in Physic; here's the best part of my present store to effect it.  Do. Glist. 
Not a penny for myself, but my Spirits indeed they must be fed; walk you by here, while I think upon a spell. What mystery should this be, Lipsalve and gudgeon both in love with mistress Purge, and come to me to help 'em by Art magic? 'tis some gullery sure; yet if my invention hold, i'll fit them: Enter one .whose's within there, fetch me in all haste two good whips, I think you may have them not far hence; it shall be so, now tell me master gudgeon does no man know of your love to mistress Purge:  Gud. 
Not a man by my Gentry.  Do. Glist. 
Then sir know i'll effect it; but understand withal, the apparition will be most horrid, if it appear in his proper form, and will so amaze and dull your senses, that your appetite will be lost and weak, though mistress Purge should attend it naked Now sir, could you name a friend with whom you are most conversant, in his likeness should the spirit appear.  Gud. 
Of all men living, my conversation is most frequent with Lipsalve the Courtier.  Doct. Gli. 
'tis enough: i'll to my Spirit— are these whips come there?  Enter one with whips. Man. 
Ready here sir.  Doct. Glist. 
So lie thou there; my noble gallants i'll so firk you: Sir my Spirit agrees in lipsalve's shape; tomorrow twixt the hours of four and five, shall mistress Purge be rapt with a whirlwind into Lipsalve's chamber, that's the fittest place: for by the break of day Lipsalve shall be mounted, and forsake the City for three days, so my Spirit resolves me: Now sir, by my Art, at that very hour shall his chamber door fly open, into which boldly enter in this sort accoutered: put me on a pure clean shirt, leave off your doublet, (for Spirits endure nothing polluted) take me this whip in your hand, and being entered you shall see the Spirit in lipsalve's shape, in the self same form that you appear; speak these words here ready written, take three bold steps forward, then whip him soundly, who straight vanisheth and leaves mistress Purge to your will.  Gud. 
ay but shall your Spirit come armed with a whip too?  Do. Glist. 
He shall, but have no power to strike.  Gud. 
Is this infallible, have you seen the proof?  Do. Glist. 
Probatum upon my word, I have seen the experience, if it fail, say I am a fool, and no Magician.  Gud. 
Master Doctor I would you had some suit at Court, by the faith of a Courtier, I would beg it for you: Fare you well Sir, I shall report of you, as I find your charm.  Exit. Doct. Glist. 
And no otherwise sir; let me understand how you thrive: ha, ha, ha, now to my friend Lipsalve, I must possess him with the same circumstance, wherein I am assured to get perpetual laughter in their follies, and my revenge.  Exit. Enter Maria over the Trunk. Ma. 
O which way shall I turn, or shift, or go,  
To lose one thought of care, no soothing hope  
Gives intermission, or beguiles one hour  
Of tedious Time, which never will have end,  
Whilst love pursues, in vain my absent friend,  
Thou continent of wealth, whose want of store  
For that it could not poise th'unequal Scale  
Of Avarice giv'st matter to my moan,  
O dross the level of insatiate Eyes  
The devils Engine, and the soul's corrupter,  
Thou playst th' Attorney 'gainst the lawful force  
Of true affection, dost interpose a Bar,  
twixt Hearts conjoined: Cursed be thy seed of strife,  
Whose progress chokes the natural course of life.  Gerardine rising out of the Trunk, she seems fearful, and flies. Ma. 
O help, help, help.  Ger. 
Stay sweet Maria, I bring thee ample joy  
To check that sudden fear, let thy sweet heart  
That constant seat of thy affection,  
Repay that blood exhausted from thy veins;  
Fear not sweet wench? I am no apparition,  
But the firm substance of thy truest friend,  
know'st thou me now?  Ma. 
Gerardine my love?  
What unheard of accident presents  
Thy unexpected self, and gives my heart  
Matter of joy, mixed with astonishment.  
I thought thou hadst been cabined in thy ship.  
Not Trunked within my cruel guardian's house.  Ger. 
That cruelty gives fuel to desire,  
For love suppressed fares like a raging fire  
which burns all obstacles that stop his course,  
And mounts aloft; the Ocean in his source  
May easier hide himself, and be confined,  
Then Love can be obscured; For in the mind,  
She holds her seat, and through that heavenly essence,  
Is near, when far remote; her virtual presence,  
Fills (like the Air) all places, gives delight,  
Hope in despair and heart, 'gainst fell despite.  
That worst of men thy cruel guardian may  
Keep down a while, but cannot dissipate  
what heaven hath joined, for fate and providence,  
Gave me this Stratagem, to let him know,  
That Love will creep, where 'tis restrained to go.  Ma. 
I apprehend the rest: O rare conceit,  
I see thy travel happily was feigned  
To win access, which with small ease thou hast gained:  
This Trunk, which he so greedily supposes,  
Contains thy substance (as it doth indeed)  
Upon thy fair pretence, in lieu of love  
Bequeathed to me, if death should stop the course,  
This Trunk (I say) he hugs; sink thou or swim,  
So he may feed his wolf, that root of Sin;  
His Avarice but heaven (that mocks man's might  
Gives this close means t' insist upon our right.  Ger. 
Ingenious Spirit, true Oracle of love,  
Thou hast prevented me, this was my plot,  
Whose end and scope I long to imitate,  
With accents free, and uncontrolled with fear,  
does opportunity stand fair?  Ma. 
Not now,  
Danger stands sentinel.  Ger. 
Then I'll retire,  
We must be cautilous.  Ma. 
So so, and Time  
Shall not oft turn his hour glass ere i'll find,  
Peace and occasion fitting to thy mind.  Exeunt, 
Finis Actus Secundi.    

ACTVS TERTIVS.  

Actus Tertius scena prima.  Enter Gerardine and Maria. Ger. 
THe coast is clear, and Argus wakeful eyes  
Securely sleep: time turns to us his front;  
Come sweet Maria of th' auspicious hours  
Let's take advantage.  Ma. 
With all my heart, I do embrace the motion with thyself:  
Welcome sweet friend to liberty of Air,  
Which now methinks doth prompt our breaths to move  
Sweet accents of delight, the joys of love:  
How dost thou brook thy little ease, thy Trunk?  Ger. 
That Trunk confines this Chest, this Chest contains  
Th' unbounded speculation of our love  
Incomprehensible: Grief, joy, hope, and fears  
(Affections of my mind) are like the spheres,  
Which in their jarring motions do agree,  
Through th' influence of loves sweet harmony.  Ma. 
Are not inferior bodies here on earth,  
Produced and governed by those heavenly ones?  Ger. 
They are.  Ma. 
They jar (you say) yet in that strife maintain  
Perpetual league: why should their influence  
In rational souls be checked by erring sense?  
Or why should mutual love (confirmed by heaven)  
B'infringed by men, methinks 'tis most uneven.  Ger. 
Thou arguest well Maria: and this withal  
That Bruits, nor Animals do prove a thrall  
To such servility: souls that are wards  
To gold opinion, or th' undue regards  
Of broking men, wolves that in sheepskin bands,  
Pray on the hearts to join th' unwilling hands,  
Ruin fair Stocks, when generous houses die,  
Or propagate their name with Bastardy.  Ma. 
Sterility and barrenness ensue,  
Such forced love: nor shall erroneous men  
Pervert my settled thoughts, or turn mine eye  
From thy fair object, which I will pursue,  
Rich in thy love, proud of this interview.  Ger. 
I'll suck these accents, let our breaths engender  
A generation of such pleasing sounds,  
To interchange delights: O my blood's on fire,  
Sweet let me give more scope to true desire.  Ma. 
What wouldst thou more than our minds firm contract?  Ger. 
Tut words are wind: thought unreduct to Art,  
Is but an embryon in the truest sense.  Ma. 
I am unvalued I had need of sense,  
You make me blush: play fair yet above board:  Ger. 
hear me exemplify loves Latin word  
Together with thyself  
As thus: hearts joined Amore: take A from thence,  
Then more is the perfect moral sense,  
Plural in manners, which in thee do shine  
Saintlike, immortal, spotless and divine.  
Take m away, over in beauty's name,  
Craves an eternal Trophy to thy fame,  
Lastly take o, in re stands all my rest,  
which I in Chaucer style do term a jest.  Ma. 
You break all modest bounds, away, away?  Ger. 
So when men come behind, do women say.  Ma. 
Come come, I say  Ger. 
I that's the word indeed,  
Men that come bold before, are like to speed.  Enter Lipsalve and Shrimp his Page. 
But who comes here? monstrum horrendum, my nostrils have the rank scent of knavery, Maria let's remove ourselves to the window, and observe this piece of man's flesh.  Exeunt. Lip. 
Now mistress Maria ward yourself, if my strong hope fail not, I shall be with you to bring.  Shr. 
To bring what sir? some more o'your kind.  Lip. 
Faith boy that's mine aim.  Shr. 
I'll be sworn sir, you have a good loose, you let fly at them apace.  Lip. 
I have shot fair and far off, but now I hope to hit the mark indeed.  Shrim. 
God save it.  Lip. 
But where's the Sign?  Shr. 
Why there.  Lip. 
That's a special thing to be observed.  Shr. 
I have heard talk of the Gemini, methinks that should be a Star favourable to your proceeding.  Lip. 
The Gemini, O I apprehend thee: that's because I am so like Gerardine, ha is't not so boy?  Shr. 
As if you were spit out on's mouth sir, you must needs be like him, for you are both cut out of a piece: but Lord sir, how you hunt this chase of love, are you not weary?  Lipsalve. 
Indefatigable boy, indefatigable.  Shr. 
Fatigable (quoth you) you may call it leanable well enough, for I am sure it is able to make a man lean.  Lip. 
'tis my vocation boy, we must never be weary of well doing, love's as proper to a Courtier, as preciseness to a Puritan.  Enter Gerardine and Maria above. Shr. 
Love (subbandy lust) a Punk in this place subintelligitur.  Lypsalue. 
Boy I have spied my Saint.  Shr. 
Then down on your knees.  Lip. 
Fly of, lest she take thee for my familiar: Save thee sweet Maria, Nay wonder not (for thou thyself art wonder,) To see this unexpected gratulation.  Maria. 
Whom do I see? O how my senses wander?  
Am not I Hero: art not thou Leander?  Gerar. 
thou'rt in the right sweet wench more of that vain;  Lip. 
Her passion overcomes her, 'tis the kindest soul:  
O excellent devise; it works, it works boy.  Shr. 
it does in deed sir, like the suds of an Alefat, or a washing bowl.  Lip. 
joy not too much, extremes are perilous.  Ma. 
O weather beaten love: Cisley go make a fire?  
Go fetch my ladder of Ropes, Leander's come.  Lip. 
Mark how prettily in her rapture she haps upon Gerardine's travel, let th'ecstasy have end for I am Gerardine.  Gerar. 
The devil you are.  Ma. 
Ha? let me see, my love so soon returned.  Lyp. 
I never travelled farther than thine eyes,  
My bruited journey was a happy project,  
To cast a mist before thy jealous guardian,  
Who now suspectless, gives some hope t'attain  
My wished delight, before pursued in vain.  Ger. 
Ask if he strained not hard for that same project.  Ma. 
Has not that project overracked thy brain.  
And spent more wit than thou hast left behind.  Shrimp. 
By this light she flouts him.  Lip. 
No, wit is infinite I spent some brain;  
Thy love did stretch my wit upon the Tenters  Ger. 
Then is't like to shrink in the wetting.  Mar. 
It cottons well, it cannot choose but bear  
A pretty nap; I tender thy capacity,  
A comfortable Caudle cherish it:  
But where's my favour that I bid thee wear  
As pledge of love.  Ger. 
Now dost thou put him to't,  
More Tenters for his wit, he's Nonplus quite  Lip. 
I wear it sweet Maria but on hy days,  
Preserve it from the tainting of the air,  
What should I say: 'tis in my other hose.  Ma. 
How in your other hose? he that I love  
Shall wear my favour in those hose he has on.  Lip. 
Fiends and furies: block that I am.  Shrim. 
In your other hose? she talked of a ladder of Ropes; if she would let it down; for my life he would hang himself in't: in your other hose? why those hose are in Lavender, beside, they have never a Codpiece: but indeed there needs no ivy where the wine is good. In your other hose?  Ma. 
I said you were too prodigal of wit.  Lyp. 
Expostulate no more, grant me access,  
Or else i'll travel to the wilderness.  Maria. 
Your only way, go travel till you tire,  
Be rid, and let a gull discharge the higher.  Shr. 
Master, the Doctor the Doctor.  Lip. 
Where? which way.  Shrim. 
This way, that way, some way I heard him coming.  Lip. 
O boy I am abused, gulled, disgraced, my credit's cracked.  Shr. 
You know that's nothing for a new Courtier.  Lip. 
O I shall run beside myself.  Shr. 
No sir, that's my office, i'll run by your side.  Lip. 
My brain is out of temper, what shall I do?  Shr. 
Take her council sir, get a cullis to your capacity, a restorative to your reason, and a warming pan to your wit: he comes he comes.  Lip. 
Follow close boy, let him not see us.  Exeunt. Enter Doctor Glister. Doct. Glist. 
What more flatterers about my carrion? more battery to my walls? shall I never be rid of these Petronel Flashes? As for my friend Gerardine, the wind of my rage has blown him to discover countries, and let the sea purge his love away and him together, I care not: young wenches now are all o'the hoy: we that are guardians must respect more besides Titles, gold lace, person, or parts, we must have Lordships and manors, elsewhere as well as in the man: wealth commands all, and wealth i'll have, or else my minion shall lead Apes in hell. I must after this gallant too, i'll know his rendezvous, and what company he keeps.  Exit. Ma: 
Now must we be abrupt; retire sweet friend  
To thy small ease; what more remains to do,  
we'll consummate at our next interview.  Ger. 
So shall I bear my prisonment with pleasure,  
Look thou but big or cruel, foe will yield,  
And give to Hymen the honour of the field.  Exeunt. Enter Mistress Purge, and Club before her with a Link. Mist. Purge. 
Fie fie Club, go a other side the way, thou collowst me & my ruff, thou wilt make me an unclean member i'the congregation,  Club. 
if you be unclean mistress, you may pure yourself, you have my master's ware at your commandment, but what am I then, that does all the drudgery in your House.  Mi. Pur. 
Thart born to't, why boy I can show thy Indentures thou giv'st no other milk: we know how to use all i' theirtheir kind.  Club. 
youare my better in Bark and Rhine, but in pith and substance I may compare with you: you're above fish or flesh mistress, and there's your boast, but in my other part, we are all one before God.  Enter dry-fat. Mi. Pur. 
All one with me! dost thou swear too? why then up and ride.  Dry. 
Whither away mistress Purge?  Mi. Purge 
To the Family master dry-fat to our exercise.  Dry. 
What by night?  Mi. Pur. 
O Lord, I sir, with the candles out too, we fructify best i'th' dark, the glance of the Eye is a great matter, it leads us to other objects besides the right.  Dry. 
Indeed I think we perform those functions best, when we are not thrall to the fetters of the body.  Mi. Pur. 
The fetters of the body, what call you them?  Dry. 
The Organs of the body, as some term them.  Mi. Pur. 
Organs: fie, fie, they have a most abominable squeaking sound in mine ears, they edify not a whit I detest hem: I hope my body has no Organs.  Dry. 
To speak more familiarly Mistress Purge, they are the senses: the sight, hearing, smelling, taste, and feeling.  Mist. Pur. 
I mary: (Mary said I Lord what a word's that in my mouth) you speak now Master dry-fat: but yet let me tell you where you err too: this feeling I will prove to be neither Organ nor fetter, it is a thing (a sense did you call it?  Dry. 
ay, a sense.  Mist. Pur. 
Why then a sense let it be (I say it is that we cannot be without: for (as I take it) it is a part belonging to understanding; understanding (you know) lifteth up the mind from earth; if the mind be lift up, you know the body goes with it: also it descends into the conscience, and there tickles us with our works and doings: so that we make singular use of feeling.  Dry. 
And not of the rest?  Mi. Pur. 
Not at that time; therefore we hold it not amiss to put out the candles, for the soul sees best i'th' dark.  Dry. 
You come to me now Mistress Purge.  M. Pu. 
Nay I will come to you else Master dry-fat: those senses (as you term them) are of much efficacy in carnal mixtures, that is, when we crowd and thrust a man and a woman together.  Enter Purge and over hears them. Pur. 
What so close at it: I thought this was one end of your exercise. by’r lady I think there is small profit in this, I'll wink no more for I am now tickled with a conceit that it is a scurvy thing to be a Cuckold.  Dry. 
I commend this zeal in you Mistress Purge, I desire much to be of your society.  M. Pu. 
Do you indeed, blessing on your heart: are you upright in your dealings?  Dry. 
Yes, I do love to stand to any thing I do, though I lose by it, in truth I deal but too truly for this world: You shall hear how far I am entered in the right way already: first I live in Charity and give small Alms to such as be not of the right Sect. I take under twenty i'th' hundred, nor no forfeiture of Bonds unless the law tell my conscience I may do't, I set no pot on a sundays, but feed on cold meat dressed a Saturdays, I keep no holy days, nor fasts, but eat most flesh o'Fridays of all days i'the week: I do use to say inspired graces able to starve a wicked man with length, I have aminadab's and abram's to my god sons, and I chide them when they ask me blessing: and I do hate the red letter, more than I follow the written verity.  Purge. 
here's Clergy.  Mi. Pu. 
These are the Rudiments indeed Master dry-fat.  Dry. 
Nay I can tell you I am or will be of the right stamp.  Pur. 
A pox o'your Stamp.  Mi. Pu. 
Then learn the word for your admittance, and you will be much made on by the Congregation.  Dry. 
I the word good Mistress Purge.  Mi. Pu. 
A Brother in the Family.  Dry. 
Enough I have my lesson.  Pu. 
So have I mine, A Brother in the family, I must be a familist today. I'll follow this gear while 'tis on foot i'fath.  Mi. Pu. 
Then shore up your eyes, and lead the way to the goodliest people that ever turned up the white o'th' eye, give me my book Club, put out thy Link, and come behind us.  They knock. Answer within. 
Who's there?  Dry. 
Two brothers and a Sister in the Family— Let in.  Purge knocks. — Within 
Who's there?  Purge. 
A Familiar brother.  Within. 
here's no room for you nor your familiarity.  Pur. 
How? no room for me nor my familiarity? why what's the difference between a familiar brother, and a brother in the Family? O I know: I made eclipses of in, in this place where it should have been expressed, so that the want of in, put me clean out; or let me see: may it not be some mystery drawn from Arithmetic? For my life these Familists love no substraction, take nothing away, but put in and add as much as you will, and after addition follows multiplication of a most Pharasithipocritical crew. Well for my part I like not this family, nor indeed some kind of private lecturing that women use: look to't, you that have such gadders to your wives: self willed they are as children, and i'faith capable of not much more than they peevish by custom, naturally fools. I remember a pretty wooden sentence in a preamble to an exercise, where the Reader prayed: that men of his Coat might grow up like Cedars to make good wainscot in the house of sincerity, would not this wainscot phrase be writ in Brass, to publish him that spoke it for an Animal: why, such wooden pellets out of earthen Trunks, do strike these females into admiration, hits 'em home, sometimes (perhaps) in at one ear, and out at tother, and then they depart in opinion, wiser than their neighbours, fraught with matter, able to take down and mortify their husbands. Well i'll home now, and bring the true word next time: I shall expect my wife anon red hot with zeal, and big with melting tears; and this night do I expect, (as her manner is) she will weep me a whole Chamberpot full, Loquor Lapides? do I cast pills abroad? 'tis no matter what I say, I talk like a pothecary (as I am) I have only purged myself of a little choler and passion, and am now armed with a patient resolution, but how? to put my Horns in my Pocket? no:  
What wise men bear is not for me to scorn,  
'tis a honourable thing to wear the horn.  Exit. Enter Lipsalve with his whip. Lip. 
Fortune, devils turd i'thy teeth, i'll turn no more o'thy wheel, Art is above thy might: what though my project with Mistress Maria failed, more ways to the wood than one, there's variety in love. It is believed I am out of town, my door is open, the hour is at hand, all things squared by the doctor's rule, and now I look for the Spirit to bring me warm comfort, to clothe my nakedness, and that is Mistress Purge, the cordial of a Familist, and come quickly good Spirit, or else my teeth will chatter for thee.  Enter Gudgin with his whips. Gud. 
O the naked pastimes of love, the scourge of dullness, the purifier of uncleanness, and the hot house of humanity: I have taken physic of master Purge, any time this twelve months to purge my humour upon's wife, & I have ever found her so fugitive, from exercise to exercise, and from family to Family, that I could never yet open the close stool of my mind to her: so that I may well say with Ovid: Hei mihi quod nullus amor est medicabilis herbis: now am I driven to prove the violent virtue conjuration, if it hit, and that I yearke my familist out of the Spirit, i'll hang up my Scourge-stick for a Trophy, and imparadise my thoughts, though the Doctor go to the devil, 'tis no matter: ha let me see; lipsalve's door open! and himself out of town? excellent Doctor, soothsaying Doctor, oraculous Doctor.  Enter Doctor Glister above. Doct. 
I have taken up this standing to see my Gallants play at Barriers with Scourge-sticks for the honour of my Punk: and in good time I see my brave Spirits shining in bright Armour nakedly burning in the Hell fire of Lechery, and ready for the hot encounter: sound Trumpets, the Combatants are mounted.  Gud. 
The apparition: Mistress Purge peers through him, I see her.  Lip. 
The spirit appears: but he might have come sooner: I am numbed with cold, a shivering ague hath taken away my Courage.  Do. 
They are afraid one of another, look how they tremble, the flesh and the devil strengthen 'em: ha, ha, ha.  Gud. 
Has 'a no cloven feet, what a laxative fever shakes me.  Lip. 
Will a not carry me with him to Hell? well I must venture: Clogmathos  Gud. 
My Cue: Clogmathathos.  Lip. 
My Cue Garrazin.  Gud. 
Garragas.  Lip. 
Garrazinos.  Gud. 
Tun tetuphon.  Lip. 
Taes tetuphes.  Ambo. 
With a Whirley Twinos— they lash one another.  Ambo. 
Hold, hold, hold, gog's nouns, gog's blood, a pox, a plague, the Devil take you, truce, truce, I smart, I smart.  Doctor. 
Ha, ha, ha. O for one of the hoops of my Cornelius' Tub: I must needs be gone, I shall burst myself with laughing else:  
Magic hath no such Rule, men can not find,  
Lust ever better handled in his kind.  Exit Doctor. Gud. 
What art thou? with the name of jove I conjure thee?  Lip. 
With any name saving the whip, i'll no more of that conjuration a plague on't.  Gudg. 
Speak art not a Spirit, in the likeness of my friend Lipsalve, that should transform thyself to mistress Purge.  Lip. 
How? a Spirit? I hope Spirits have no flesh and blood, & I am sure thou hast drawn blood out of my flesh with the spirit of thy whip.  
Then shall we prove to be honest Gulls, and the Doctor an errant knave.  Lip. 
A plague upon him for a Glister. he has given our loves a suppositar with a Recombentibus— I'll tell thee sirrah.  Gud. 
Tell not me, let me prevent thee, the wind shall not take the breath of our gross abuse, we feel the gullery: Therefore let us swear by our naked truths, & by the hilts of these our blades, our flesh-tamers, to be revenged upon that Paraperopandentical Doctor, that pocky Doctor.  Lip. 
Agreed, we'll Cuckold him, that he shall not be able to put his head in at's doors, and make his precise puritanical, & peculiar Punk his Pothecaries drug there, a known Cockatrice to the world.  Gud. 
if report catch this knavery, we have lost our reputations for ever,  
Wherefore let's be secret;  
Ill tax we women of Credulity,  
When men are gulled with such gross foppery.  Lip. 
Come let us in, and cover both our shames?  
This Conjuration to the world's a novelty,  
Gallants turned Spirits and whipped for Lechery.  Exeunt.  

Act. 3. Scen. 4.  Enter Maria and Gerardine out of the Trunk. Maria. 
Gerardine come forth Maria calls?  
Those Ribs shall not enfolded thy buxom Limbs  
One minute longer the cincture of mine arms  
Shall more securely keep thy soul from harms.  Ger. 
What heavenly breath of phitonessae's power  
(That raised the dead corpses of her friend to life)  
Prevails no less on me, for even this urn  
(The figure of my sadder Requiem)  
Gives up my bones, my love, my life, and all  
To her, that gives me freedom in my thrall.  Ma. 
Be brief sweet friend, salute and part in one,  
For niggard time now threats with imminent danger  
Our late joyed scope: Thy earnest then of love  
Ere Sol have compassed half the signs I fear  
Will show a blushing fault, but 'twas thy plot, thine aim,  
T'enforce consent in him that bars thy claim.  Ger. 
Love salves that fault, let time our guilt reveal,  
I'll near deny my Deed, my hand, and Seal.  
The Elements shall lose their ancient force;  
Water and earth suppress the fire and Air,  
Nature in all use, a preposterous course,  
Each kind forget his likeness to repair,  
Before i'll falsify my faith to thee.  Ma. 
The humorous bodies elemental kind,  
Shall sooner lose th' innated heat of love,  
The Soul in nature's bounds shallbe confined,  
heavens course shall retrograde, & leave to move  
Ere I surcease to cherish mutual fire,  
With thoughts refined in flames of true desire.  Ger. 
These words are odours in the sacred shrine  
Of Loves best deity: the marriage God  
Longs to perform these ceremonious rites,  
Which terminate our hopes; till mine grow full  
I'll use that intercourse amongst my friends,  
That erst I did: then in the height of joy,  
I'll come to challenge interest in my boy.  
Till then farewell.  Ma. 
You'll come upon your Cue  Ger. 
Doubt not of that;  Ma. 
Then twenty times adieu.  Exeunt.  
Finis Actus Tertij.   

ACTVS QVARTVS.  

Actus Quartus, scena prima.  Enter Lypsalue and Guggin, Shrimp and periwinkle. Gud. 
COme Boys, our clothes boys, and what is the most currant news periwinkle.  Peri. 
Faith sir, Fortune hath favoured us with no news, but what the Pedlar brought from Norfolk.  Lyp. 
Is there nothing stirring at Court shrimp?  Shrim. 
Faith there is sir, but nothing new.  Lip. 
Good wag faith, thou smell'st somewhat of a Courtier, though thy Mother was a citizen's wife, Off with that filthy great Band, nay quick, on with your rob of sanctity; nay suddenly man.  Gug. 
And why must we shift ourselves into this demure habit, if impossible to be of the Family, and keep our own fashion.  Lip. 
Tut man the name of a gallant is more hateful to them, than the sight of a Corner Cap, hadst thou heard the protestations the wife of a bellowsmender made but yesternight, against Gallants, thou hadst for ever abjured Crimson breeches. She swore that all Gallants, were persons inferior to bellowsmenders, for the trade of Bellowsmaking was very aerial & high, And what were men and women but bellows, for they take wind in at one place, and do evaporate at another; evaporate was her very phrase.  Guggin. 
methinks her phrase flew with somewhat too strong a vapour.  Lip. 
Nay she proves farther, that all men receive their being chiefly from bellows, without which the fire burns not, without fire the pot seethes not, the pot not seething, powdered Beef is not to be eaten, of which she then averred our nation was a great devourer, and without which they could neither fight for their Country abroad, nor get children at home: For said she, powdered beef is a great joiner of nerves together.  Gug. 
What answer madest thou?  Lip. 
Mary, that I thought a Bawd was a greater joiner of nerves together, then powdered beef, with that she protested, that a Bawd was an instrument of the Devil, and as she had proved that bellowsmakers were of God's trade, so Bawds were of the devils trade: For (and thereupon she blew her Nose) the devil and Bawds did both live by the sins of the people.  Enter Club and Mistress Purge. Gug. 
No more, mistress Purge is at hand.  Lyp. 
Vanish boys, away, make haste, before jove she'll be with us ere we can be provided for her.  Mi. Pur. 
Advance your Lynke Club? At what time wert thou bound Club? At Guttyde: Hollantide, or Candletide?  Club. 
I was bound indeed about Midsummer.  Mist. Pur. 
And when hath thy prenticeship end, At Michaeltide next?  Club. 
So I take it.  Mi. Pu. 
They say Club you fall very heavy on such you love not, you never learned that of me.  Club. 
Indeed mistress I must confess, my falling is rustic gross, and butcherlike, marry yours is a pretty foolish light Court take falling: Yet believe me my master smells somewhat too gross of the Purgation, he wants tutoring.  Mi. Pu. 
And why I pray?  Club. 
My master being set last night in his shop, comes master Doctor Glister (as his manner is) squirting in suddenly, and after some conference, tells my master that by his own knowledge you were young with Child, to which my master replied, why master Doctor, will you put me to more Charges yet?  Mi. Pur. 
Thou art a fool, In that my husband spoke as wisely as if the master of his company had spoke, he knows Doctors have receipt for women, which makes them most apt to conceive, and he promising 'a had ministered the same lately to me, thereupon spoke it, Lead on with your link?  Lipsa. 
Art ready?  Gug. 
Ready.  Lips. 
Then speak pitifully, look scurvily, and dissemble cunningly, and we shall quickly prove two of the fraternity Benediction and Sanctity; love and Charity: fall on Mistress Purge, Sister of the family.  Mi. Pur. 
And what I pray be you two?  Sa. 
Two newly converted from the rags of Christianity; to become good members in the house of the family.  Mi. Pur. 
Who I pray converted you?  Ma. 
dry-fat the merchant.  Mist. Pur. 
And from what sins hath he converted you? From two very notorious Crimes, The first was from eating fish on fridays, and the second from speaking reverently of the Clergy: but a resolved us, your talon in edifying young men went far beyond his.  Enter Master Purge. Ma. Pur. 
A talent I have therein, I must confess, nor am I very nice at fit times to show it; for your better instructions therefore, you must never hereafter frequent Taverns nor Tap-houses, no Masks nor Mummeries, no pastimes nor playhouses.  Gud. 
Must we have no recreation?  Mi. Pur. 
Yes, on the days which profane lips call Holidays, you may take your Spaniel and spend some hours at the Duckingpond.  Lip. 
What are we bound unto, during the time we remain in the Family.  Mi. Pu. 
During the light of the Candle, you are to be very attentive, which being extinguished, how to behave yourselves, I will deliver in private whisper.  Ma. Pur. 
'tis now come to a whisper, what young Familists be these? i'faith I'll make one, i'll trip you wife, I sent your footing wife.  
For Gallus writes, Paraselsus can tell,  
Pothecaries have brains, and Noses eke to smell,  Lip. 
We shall with much diligence observe it.  Ma. Pur. 
I fear I shall have small cause to thank that diligence, but do your worst, He that hath red fine hairballs in one year, can find a trick which shall prevent this gear, they are going, follow Purge, close, close and softly, like a horse-keeper in a lady's matted Chamber at midnight.  Exeunt Gudgin, Lipsalve, and Mistress Purge. Within. 
Who knocks?  Mi. Pur. 
Brethren and a Sister in the Family.  Within. 
Enter in peace.  Ma. Purge. 
Brethren and a sister, that's the word, How beastly was I mistaken last day, I should have said a Brother in the Family— And I said a Familiar brother, for which I and my family were thrust out of doors: but as Titus Silus of Holborn bridge most learnedly was wont to say, qd—  He knocks. Within. 
whose's there?  Ma. Pu. 
A brother in the family.  Within. 
Enter, and welcome.   

Act. 4. Scena. 2.  Enter Gerardine. 
Thou sacred Deity, love:  
Thou power predominate, more to be admired,  
Then able to be expressed, whose Orb includes  
All terrene joys which are, all States which be,  
Pay to thy sacred Throne, as tribute fee  
Their thoughts & lives like jove's so must thy acts  
Endure no question, why, thy hidden facts,  
The Gods themselves obey, Heaven Synod holds,  
No Gods, but what thy awful power controls,  
The Delphian Archer proud with python's spoil  
At Cupid's hand was forced to take the foil:  
Not Mars his warlike Adamantine Targe,  
Could free his warlike breast at Cupid's charge;  
And jove whose frown all mortal lives bereaves  
This marble throne and ivory Sceptre leaves:  
And in the likeness of a Bull was seen,  
As forced by him to bear the Tyrian Queen:  
Through Neptune's watery kingdom, if these submit  
My Metamorphos is not held unfit:  Enter Drifat. 
And see in most wished occasion Drifat the Merchant presents himself: Sir, in the best of hours met, my thoughts had marked you out for a man most apt, to do them the fairest of offices.  Dri. 
What? art thou a Welsh Carrier, or a Northern Landlord, thart so saucy.  Gera. 
be't possible sir, my disguise should so much fool your knowledge? how, a Northern Landlord? can you think I get my living by a bell and a Clackdish?  Dri. 
By a bell and a Clackdish, how's that?  Ger. 
Why by begging sir, know you me now?  Dri. 
Ma. Gerardine, disguised & ashore, nay then I smell a Rat.  Ger. 
Master dry-fat, shall I repose some trust in you, will you lay by a while your City's precise humour, will you not deceive me?  Dry. 
if I deceive your trust, the general plague seize me, that is, may I die a Cuckold.  Ger. 
And I say thou shall die a true Citizen, if thou conceal it: And thus in brief, It stands with thy knowledge how seriously I have (and do still affect Maria: Now sir, I have so wrought it, that if thou couldst procure me a fellow, that could serve in stead of a Crier, I myself would play Placket the Parritor, and summon Doctor Glister and Maria to appear at thy house, and as he plays the Parritor, so wouldst thou but assume the shape of a Proctor, I should have the wench, thou the credit, and the whole City occasion of discourse this nine days.  Dri. 
How's this, how's this! I should procure a fellow to play the Parritor, and I myself should play the Proctor: but upon what occasion should they be summoned?  Ger. 
Upon an accusation, that Doctor Glister should get Maria his Niece with child, and have Bastards in the Country which I have a trick to make probable.  Dri. 
And now I recall it to memory, I heard somewhat to that effect last night, in master Beardbush the barber's shop, but how will this sort, who shall accuse him?  Ger. 
Refer that to me, I say, be that my care, all shall end in merriment, and no disgrace touch either of their reputations.  Dri. 
Then take both word and hand, 'tis done, Club (mistress Purges prentice) shall be the Sumner.  Ger. 
O my most precious dry-fat, may none of thy daughters prove vessels with foul bungholes, or none of thy Sons hogsheads, but all true and honourable Dryfats like thyself.  Dri. 
Well Master Gerardine, I hope to see you a Familist before I die.  Ger. 
That's most likely, for I hold most of their principles already: I never rail nor calumniate any man, but in love and charity; I never cozen any man for any ill will I bear him, but in love and charity to myself: I never make my neighbour a Cuckold for any hate or malice I bear him, but in love and charity to his wife.  Dri. 
And may those principles fructify in your weak members: I'll be gone, and with most quick dexterity provide you a Crier: Tomorrow at my house (said you) they should appear.  Ger. 
Be that the time, most honoured dry-fat, but be this known to none, most loved sir, save Club, or to some other whom your judgement shall select, as a fit person for our project.  Dri. 
Thus enough time out of sight.  Exit. Ger. 
Maria, thou art mine: earth's affection and nature's glory, woman of what an excellency, if her thoughts and acts were squared and leveled with the first celsitude of her creation:  
T'enjoy a creature, whose dishevelled locks,  
Like gems against the repercussive Sun,  
Gives light and splendour. whose starlike eyes  
Attract more gazar loves to see them move  
Then the Tartarians God, when first Egeon's Hill  
Amounts in triumph, a skin more pure and soft,  
Then is the silk-worm bed, to the more white  
Then newfallen Snow, or shining ivory,  
Is happiness sought by the Gods themselves,  
Celestial Venus borne without a mother,  
Be thou probitious, thee and I implore  
Not vulgar Venus, heavens scorn and Mars his whore.  Exit. Enter Mistress Glister and Maria. Ma. 
Good Aunt quiet yourself, ground not upon dreams, you know they are ever contrary.  Mi Gli. 
Minion, minion, coin no excuses; I grant dreams are deceitful, but a true judgement grounded upon knowledge never fails: what? have not I observed the rising and falling of the blood, the coming and going of the countenance, your qualms, your unlacings, your longings, most evident tokens, besides a more certain sign then all these too, you know't, I need not speak it; nay I am as skilful in that point as my husband: I can tell you Aristotle speaks English enough to tell me these secrets: Body of me, so narrowly looked too, and yet fly out? well, I see maids will hait, in spite of Laws or locks that restrain 'em, they will open, do men what they can.  Ma. 
I see my fault appears, simplicity  
Hath no evasion: 'tis bootless to deny,  
Where guilty blood, cited by touch of shame,  
Runs through my veins, and leaves my conscience stain,  
Even in my face for bear I do beseech you,  
To publish my defame, what I have done,  
You shall not answer, I must bear mine own.  Mi. Gli. 
Bear your own? I mary there it goes, what must you bear?  Ma. 
My sins forsooth.  Mi. Gli. 
Your sins forsooth: confess to me, and go not about the bush, you have been doing that's flat, you have caught a clap, that's round, and answer me roundly to the point, or else i'll square. Come whose act be't? I can not devise unless it be my husbands, for none else had access to thee; I am sure time has turned his bald side to thee, and I do but wonder how thou tookst opportunity: speak, tell me.  Ma. 
Now good Aunt press me not, let time reveal  
What you suspect, for never shall my tongue  
Confess an Act that tends unto my wrong.  Enter Gerardine like a Porter. Mi. Gli. 
Will you not boult, I must ha''t out on you, and will.  Ger. 
By your leave mistress.  Mi. Gli. 
Passion of my heart, what art thou?  Ger 
No Ghost forsooth, tho' I appear in white.  Mi. Gli. 
No, but a saucy knave I perceive by your manners.  Ger. 
None of that Livery neither: I am of the bearing trade forsooth, you may see by my Smock— frock I would say: I am (if it please you) of the spick & span new set up Company of Porters, here's my Breast plate, and besides our own Arms we have the arms of the City to help us in our burdens, Ecce signum: here's the Cross, and the sword of justice in good Pewter, I can tell you which goes as currant with us as better metal.  Mi. Gli. 
What's your name sir?  Ger. 
Nicholas Nebulo there's but a straws breadth between that and the Arms, 'tis in the back side of the Cross here, & well known in the City for an ancient name, and an honest an't like your worship.  Mar. 
You are none of the 12 are you?  Ger. 
No forsooth but one of the 24.  Mi. Gli. 
Orders of knaves, I thought so, sirrah you're a Rascal to come thus bluntly into my house with your dirty Startups, get you without doors like a filthy fellow as you are, a place more fit for you.  Ger. 
O good words mistress; I may be warden of my company for aught you know and for my bluntness we have a clause in our Charter to warrant that for as we bear, so likewise we may be borne with, and have free egress and regress where our business lies.  Mi. Gli. 
And what's your business here?  Ger. 
I have a letter an't please you to master Doctor.  Mi. Gli. 
From whence?  Ger. 
That I cannot show your Worship, but I had it of Curtal the Carrier whose lawful deputy I am.  Mi. Gli. 
Leave your scraping sirrah: fie how rank the knave smells of grease and Tapsdroppings.  Ger. 
Coughs and spits.  Mi. Gli. 
What are you Rheumatic too with a vengeance?  Ger. 
Yes indeed mistress, though I be but a poor man, I have a spice of the gentleman in me, Master Doctor could smell it quickly, by cause he's a gentleman himself; I must to the diet and that is Tobacco at the Alehouse, I use 'nother physic for it.  Mi. Gli. 
Did ever such a peasant defile my floor, or breath so near me: i'fath sirrah you would be burned for your Roguery if you were well served.  Ger. 
I am burned well enough already Mistress, look here else; surreverence in your worship, master Doctors lips are not made of better stuff.  Mi. Gli. 
What an impudent Rogue is this: sirrah be gone I say, I would be rid o'you?  Ger. 
Be rid o'me? I shall gallop then: you mistake me forsooth I am a footpost, I do not use to ride.  Mi. Gl. 
I think the Rascal be humorous or drunk: well I will read the letter and send him packing, or else he will spew or do worse before me: fie on him, I think he will infect me with some filthy disease.  Ger. 
Or else I lose mine aim.  Mi. Gli. 
What's here Your poor nurse Thomasine Sweedlesse for my life now shall I find out my husband's knavery, I have so long suspected.  Ger. 
She begins to nibble, 'twill take i'faith— mistress  
I see some discontentment in your looks,  
Care ill befits so delicate a spirit.  
Be frolic wench for he that is so near thee  
has been much nearer?  Mar. 
That Accent sounds sweet music, 'tis my love.  
That tongue breathes life into my lifeless spirits  
Gerardine! o rapture, why thus disguised!  Ger. 
No more, be mute; thus must I vary forms  
To bring our Cares to end her jealousy,  
Ensues this drift, which if it take true scope,  
Loves joy comes next be fearless in that hope:  Mi. Gli. 
'tis so: Ratsbane: I hate, it racks on it torments me here 'tis,— Woe worth the time that ever I gave suck to a Child that came in at the window god knows how villainous lecher; Yet if you did but see, how like the little red headed knave is to his Father damnable Doctor: A Bastard in the Country, and another towards here I am out of doubt, this is his work. You are an Arrant Strumpet, Incest, fornication, abomination in my own house; intolerable; O for long nails to scratch out his Eyes.  Ger, 
Or the breeches to fight with him.  Mi. Gli. 
Out of my sight quean, thou shalt to Bridewell— O, I shall be mad with rage.  Ger. 
Then you shall go to Bedlam.  Mi. Gli. 
Hence you Slave.  Ger. 
I must have a penny, you must pay me for my pains.  Mi. Gli. 
The Devil pay thee.  Ger. 
O that's the Doctor, but he wants his horns.  Mi. Gli. 
But i'll furnish him ere long if I live.  Ger. 
It works as I would wish, farewell Maria,  
This storm once passed, fair weather ever after.  Exeunt. Mi. Gli. 
Was ever woman so moved? but you shall be talked withal, and for mine old fornicator, he shall ha''t as hot as coals i'faith: here's stuff indeed! Come minxes come, there's Law for you both, have I found your knavery: if I wink at this, let me be stone blind, or stoned to death, bear this and bear all.  Exeunt. Enter Lypsalue and Gudgin. Lip. 
Our hopes are crossed, sure there's some providence  
Which countermands libidinous appetites,  
For what we most intend, is counterchecked  
By strange and unexpected accidents:  
For by disguise procuring full access,  
Nay ready to have feared th'expected prize  
The candle out, steps twixt my hopes and me  
Some pleasant Groin, possessed and full enjoyed  
That sweet, for which our vigilant eyes have watched  
And in one moment frustrates all our hopes.  Gudgin. 
Upon my life we are bewitched, the greasy Rascal, that first seized Mistress Purge (by the last reflection of the light) appeared to my sight not much unlike her husband.  Lipsalve. 
The Courts gall, the cities plague, and Europa's Sea form be his perpetual Crest, whate'er 'a was. To lose Mistress Purge for lack of dexterity, is a disgrace insalveable. The like opportunity will never present itself.  Gudg. 
'twas an egregious grief, I must confess to see a knave slip betwixt us both, and take occasion by the foretop, but since these projects have had so star cross events, let's lay some plot how to revenge our late disgrace on the Doctor, by making him Cuckold.  Enter Purge. Lipsalve. 
Agreed, but what melancholy sir with acrostic arms now comes from the Family?  Gug. 
Purge the Pothecary, I prithee let's step aside and hear the issue of this discontent.  Purge. 
O the misery of married men's estate!  Lip. 
'a begins very pitifully.  Pur. 
O women what are many of you?  Lipsalve. 
Why disease to bachelors, and plagues to married men.  Pur. 
O marriage, the rage of all our miseries, my wife is a dissembling strumpet.  Gudgin. 
So is many a man's besides yours, and what of that?  Purge. 
I would have a law that all such which pray little should instantly be married, for then would they pray continually if it were but to be rid of their wives.  Lip. 
This is a charitable request and surely would pass the lower House.  Purge. 
Surely if affliction can bring a man to heaven I cannot see how any married man can be damned, I have made myself a plain Cuckold.  
A pile on ye, want you? had you not been so manable, here are some would have saved you that labour.  Purge. 
What shall I do in this extremity, had I but witness of the fact, I would make her answer it before authority, This is my wedding Ring; 'tis hit I know it by the posy This I took from her finger in the dark, and she was therewith very well pleased, were not this trow, a sufficient testimony? She knows not that it was myself got so near her, I will take council; well, little know Bachelors the miseries they undergo, when they prostrate themselves to women.  Lip. 
O most true Master Purge, little knows a man what Elements 'a is to pass, when 'a puts his head under a woman's girdle: your passion Master Purge is over heard, and (plain tale to tell) we were eye witnesses of your wives treachery, and if need be will be ready to depose as much.  Purge. 
What master Lipsalve and master Guggin are you disguised testimonies, nay then Revenge look big?  
elf and Fairy  
Help to revenge the wronged Pothecary?  Gud. 
Why now 'a speaks like himself, get me a Parritor for her strait?  Lip. 
Conceal the Ring, my little Purge, let not thy wife know thou hast it, until she comes to her trial.  Enter Drifat and Gerardine. Pur. 
Your advices are very pithy, therefore in private let me disclose my intent.  Gud. 
Off boys, shrimp what dost thou think of thy Master, is a not a rare gull?  Per. 
I think 'a will swallow, and pocket more disgraces then large consenst Lawyer Fees in a Michaelmas Term. Thy master my honest periwinkle comes not much short of a fool to, but that 'a is a Courtier.  Shrim. 
Draw somewhat near, and overhear their conference?  Ger. 
This shape of the Crier, must Club tomorrow assume: Are you fitted for Popin the Proctor?  Dri. 
Excellent! and have spent some study in the mystical cases of Venery: I can describe how often a man may lie with another man's wife, before a come to the white sheet.  Ger. 
How long is that?  Dry. 
Why till a be taken tardy.  
How long all women kind may by the statute profess and swear they are maids.  Ger. 
And how long is that?  Dryfa. 
Why till their bellies be so big that it cannot be no longer concealed, but come forward towards Glisters.  Lip. 
It must be so: let the sumner tickle her, you shall bring in these allegations and let us alone to swear them; who's this Master dry-fat? Opportunely met sir, and whither so fast? The news, the news?  Dry. 
Faith Gentlemen, I think to relate for news what I here of Doctor Glister would come stale to your hearings.  Lip. 
O the getting of his niece with child, tut that's apparently known to all the company, but in the name of Jupiter what art thou? or from whence camest thou?  Ger. 
Why sir? I come from compassing the corners of the Land.  Gug. 
Of what trade in the name of Pluto?  Ger. 
Of the devils trade, for I live as he does, by the sins of the people, in brief sir, I am Placket the Paritor.  Lip. 
As the devil would, we have (my noble Partor) instant, employment for thee; A grey groat is to be purchased without sneaking my little sumner, where's thy Quorum nomina my honest Placket?  Gerard. 
Sir, according to the old Ballad; my quorum nomina ready have I, with my pen and inkhorn hanging by: her name sir, her name?  Gug. 
is't no more but so?  Purg. 
I have most right to her name, her name master Placket is my wife, Mistress Purge Sir: To what place dost thou belong?  Ger. 
To the Commissioners, which sit tomorrow at master Dryfats upon the crimes of Doctor Glister and others.  Lipsalve. 
Sits there a commission dry-fat? Now for the love of lechery, let's have mistress Purge summoned, thither?  Ger. 
she makes my Quorum nomina reasonable full my grant Sir and she shall appear there upon a crime of concupiscence, is not that your meaning?  Pu. 
Yes my honest Paritor, here's thy Fee.  Enter Club and Mistress Purge. Gug. 
And see how happily it succeeds, mistress Purge is new come from the Family, let us step aside whilst Placket the paratour, gives her a Summons?  Lipsalve. 
Content· Too her Placket But see for the bribery of twelve pence you strike her not out of your Quorum nomina.  Ger. 
Fear not sir.  Mi. Pur. 
Forward apace Club.  Ger. 
Your name I take to be mistress Purge fair gentlewoman.  M. Pu. 
I am mistress Purge, Purges wife the Pothecary: what of that?  Dry. 
Now you shall see him tickle her with a Quorum nomina  Ger. 
I cite you by virtue of my Quorum nomina to make your personal appearance by eight of the clock in the morrow morning, before certain commissioners at master dryfat's house to answer to an accusation of a crime of concupiscence?  M. Pur. 
To answer a crime of concupiscence, what's that I pray?  Gera. 
Why 'tis to answer a venerial Crime, for having carnal copulation with others besides your husband.  Mi. Pu. 
What are you I pray?  Gera. 
By name Placket, By trade a parator?  Mis. Pu. 
And must I answer say you, to a venerial Crime? I tell thee placket the paritor, I am able to answer thee, or any man else in any venerial crime they'll put me to: And so tell your Commissioners:  Gera. 
If you fail your appearance, the penalty must fall heavy.  Mi. Pu. 
If it fall never so heavy, I am able to bear it and so set forward Club.  Exeunt Club and Mistress Purge. Lips. 
Excellent i'faith after your wife Purge: Read Placket thy quorum nomina my noble groat monger.  Ger. 
Silence, the first that marcheth in this fair rank is, Thum the feltmaker, for getting his maid with child and sending his prentice to Bridewell for the fact, whip the beadle, for letting a punk escape for a nights lodging, and bribe of ten groats, Batt the bellman, for lying with a wench in a tailors stall at midnight when 'a should be performing his office.  Gud. 
And Tipple the Tapster for deflowering a virgin in his seller. Doctor Glister, his wife, Maria: mistress Purge These be the complete number.  Lipsa. 
Now dissolve and each to his occasion, till tomorrow morning.    

ACTVS QVINTUS.  

Actus quintus Seena Prima.  Doctor Glister and Mistress Glister. Mi. Gl. 
THis was your colour to keep her close, but what Cloak ha' you for hers and your own shame? What your own niece, your brother's daughter besides your bastard in the country?  Doct. 
Wife range not too far I would advise you? Come home in time? vex me not beyond sufferance: The two edged sword of thy tongue, hath drawn blood o'my? patience, I say thou art all this while in an error.  Mi. Gli. 
No, thou hast been all this while in an Urinal, thou hast gone out of thy compass in women's waters, You're a conjuror (forsooth) and can rouse your Spirits into Circles, a you old Fornicator that ever I saw that read beard of thine; now could I rail against thy complexion. I think in my conscience the traces & Caparison of Venus' coach, are made o'red hairs which may be a true Emblem, that no flaxen stuff, or tanned white-leather draws love like 'em; I think thou manured'st thy Chin with the droppings of Eggs and muscadine, before it bristled: a shame take thee and thy Loadstone: but 'tis no matter, Master Placket the Parritor has cited you, and you shall answer it.  Doct. 
O the raging jealousy of a woman! do you hear wife I will show myself a man of sense, and answer you with silence, or like a man of wisdom, speak in brief: I say you are a scowl, and beware the Cucking stool?  Mist. Glist. 
I say you are a nynnyhammer, and beware the cuckoo; for as sure as I have ware, i'll traffic with the next Merchant venturer, and in good time here comes gallants of the right trade.  Enter Lipsalve and Gudgin. Lip. 
All alone mistress Glister? meditating who shallbe your next child's Father.  Gud. 
Indeed methinks that should be one end of her thought an't be but to cry quittance with her husband, or whose abuse the Town rings.  Doct. 
Flax and fire, flax and fire, here are fellows come in the nick, to light their matches at my tinder.  Lipsalve. 
He tells you true mistress Glister, the Doctor hath made you ordinary in our Ordinaries, satires whet their tooths, and steep rods in piss, Epigrams lie in Poetries pickle and we shall have rhyme out of all reason against you.  Gudgin. 
Ere long he will take up his station at a stationer's, where we shall see him do penance in a Sheet at least.  Mi. Gli. 
O I am nettled, my patience is so provoked, that I must doff my modesty: what shall I do? if ye be honest gentlemen, counsel me in my revenge, teach me what to do, make my Case your own.  Lip. 
Why you are in the common road of revenge, take which hand you will, you cannot go out o'your way; 'tis as soon taken, as Time by his forepart.  Gud. 
Faith since he has struck with the sword, strike you with the Scabbard: in plain terms Cuckold him: you may as easily do't, as lie down o'your bed.  Doct. 
This gear cottons i'faith.  Mi▪ Gli 
I apprehend you gentlemen: Lord how much better are two heads then one, to make one large head?  Lip. 
You say true mistress Glister, there's help required in grafting, and how happily we come to tender our service: let our pretence be to take physic of the Doctor: and that he may with as much ease minister to us, as we to you, we'll take a lodging in his house.  Gud. 
How say you to this, is the colour good? dost like you?  Mist. Glist. 
Passing well: the colour is so good, that you shall wear my favour out o'the same piece.  Lip. 
Excellent, excellent, now shall we be revenged for the whipping; mistress Glister let me be your first man?  Gud 
Nay soft sir: I plied her as soon as you.  Doct. 
I should have an oar in her boat too by right? spoke by.  Lip. 
How ill advised were you to marry one with a red beard?  Mi. Gli. 
O master Lipsalve, I am not the first that has fallen under that ensign: there's no complexion more attractive in this time for women, than gold and red beards: such men are all liver.  Gud. 
I, but small heart, and less honesty.  Lip. 
Yes, they are honest too (in some kind) for they'll beg before they'll steal.  Gud. 
That's true, for, for one that holds up his hand at the Sessions, you shall have ten come into the bawdy Court.  Doct. 
Was ever Beard so backbitten: this were enough to make red beards turn medley: and dash 'em clean out of countenance: but I hope like mine they fear no colours: and you were ten Courtiers i'll front you: I must give you physic with a pox: well, if I pepper ye not, call me Doctor Dodipoll: Master Lipsalve and master gudgeon you are heartily welcome, I am very glad to see you well.  Lip. 
O master Doctor, your salutation is very suspicious?  Doct. 
Why master Lipsalve?  Lip. 
It can scarce be hearty, for physicians are rather glad to see men ill, then well.  Doct. 
Not so sir, you must distinguish of men: though this I know, virtue is not the end of all science, which commonly keeps the professor poor, some study questuary and gainful Arts, and every one would thrive in's calling, but i'faith gentlemen, what wind drives you hither?  Gud. 
The wind Collect master Doctor, or some such disease  Doct. 
But not the Stone Collect?  Lip. 
O no sir, we have no obstructions in those parts, we are loose enough there.  Doct. 
If you were troubled with that, my wife can tell you of an excellent remedy.  Gud. 
We need it not, we need it not: but indeed master Doctor, for some private infirmities (which our waters shall make known to you) we desire to take some physic of you for a few days, and to that end we would take a lodging in your house during the time?  Lip. 
Shall we entreat your favour?  Doct. 
No entreaty gentlemen, you shall command me to search the very profundity of my skill for you. Have them in wife, and show them their lodging? I will think upon another receipt, and follow you immediately.  Gud. 
And i'faith we shall requite your pains to the full.  Exeunt Lipsalve, Gudgin, Mistress Glister. Doct. 
To the fool you mean: I know you ha' the horn of plenty for me, which you would derive unto me, from the liberality of your bawdies, not your minds; here are Lords, that having learned the O.P.Q. of Courtship, travel up and down among citizens wives to show their learning, and bringing up: as if the City were not already a good proficient in the Court hornbook: yes I warrant they have heads as capable as other men; I and some of them can wisely say with the philosopher, that in knowing all they know nothing. Well, because I am of the Livery, and pay Scot and Lot amongst you, do but observe how i'll fetch over my gallants for your sakes; they say I am of the right hair, and indeed they may stand to't, and hold the position good; saving with my wife: soft, are they not at pro and contra already? I know they are hot spurs, and I must have an eye to the main. They have been whipped already for lechery, and yet the pride of the flesh pricks 'em; well I must in, I have given them such a Pill shall take 'em down, for lust must have his fill.  Exit. Enter Maria above. Ma 
Now nature's pencil, and the hand of time,  
Gives life and limb, to generations Act;  
My shame and guilt in wordless notes appear  
The argument of scorn, O now I stand  
The Theme and comment to each liberal tongue,  
Whilst hope breeds comfort, and fear threats my wrong.  
O Gerardine how oft thy lively figure  
(Deadly impressed in my yielding temper)  
Assures me thou art mine: how fancy paints  
Thy true proportion in my troubled sleep,  
Because sole subject of my daily thoughts;  
O if thy vows prove feigned, and thou unjust,  
I say and swear, in men there is no trust.  Enter Gerardine. Ger. 
Thus have I passed the Round and Court of Guard,  
Without the word: either conceit is strong,  
Or else the Body where true love's confined,  
Walks as a Spirit, and doth force his way  
Through greatest dangers frightful to those eyes,  
That wait to intercept him: Maria?  
How like to Cynthia in her silver Orb  
She seems to me, attended by loves Lamp  
Whose mutual Influence, and soul's sympathy  
Doth show, heavens model in mortality.  Ma. 
Gerardine?  
Aurora now the blushing Sons approach,  
D'art not more comfort to this Universe  
Than thou to me: most acceptably come,  
The Art of number cannot count the hours  
Thou hast been absent.  Ger. 
Infinity of Love  
Holds no proportion with Arithmetic.  
Think not Maria but my heart retains  
A deep impression of such thoughts as these:  
I have been forging of a mirthful Plot,  
To celebrate our wished Conjunction;  
Which now digested, come to summon thee  
To be an Actress in the Comedy.  Ma. 
How, where, when, speak? mine ears are quick to hear,  
I stand on thorns already to be there.  Ger. 
At dryfat's house the Merchant, there's our Scene,  
Whose sequel (if I fail not in intent,)  
Shall answer our desires, and each content: But when sawst thou Lipsalve and gudgeon our two gallants?  Ma. 
They are here in the house: so handled by mine uncle, that they are the pitifullest patients that ever you beheld.  Ger. 
No matter, he serves them in their kind, they were infamous in the Court & now are grown as notorious in the City: they may happily prove particles in our sport, & fit subjects for laughter: Time calls me hence, adieu, prepare to meet.  Ma. 
I shall outstrip the nimblest in my feet.  Exeunt.  

Act. 5. Scaena vltima.  Enter dry-fat and Club. Dry. 
Come Club come, there's a merry Fray towards, we shall see the death of melancholy, wherein thou and I must call a grand Jury of jests together, and pass upon them with the Club Law.  Club. 
Now as I am O, the Crier, & yet but a young Club, I have not yet practised that Law, you have a whole dry-fat on't, I pray you instruct me?  Dri. 
Why 'tis a Law enacted (by the common counsel of Statute Caps) to qualify the rage of the Time, to follow, to call back, and sometimes to encounter gentlemen when they run in arrearages, I tell thee there's no averment against our Book Cases: 'tis the Law called make peace, it makes them even, when they are at odds, it shows 'em a flat case, as plain as a pack staff, that is, knocks 'em down without circumstance  Club. 
I marry I like that law well, 'tis studied with the turning of a hand: there's no quiddits, nor peddlers French in't, there needs no book for th' exposition o'th' terms; 'tis as easily learned as the felling of wood, and getting of Children, all is but laying on load the down right blow.  Dry. 
I and by the way of exhortation it prints this moral Sentence on their Costards, in Capital Letters Agree? for the Law is costly.  Club. 
Good good; but all this while there's no Doctor thought on, we must have one to arbitrate;  Dry. 
Why (master Gerardine) man, has his name for the purpose, he shall be called Doctor Stickler, Lupus est in Fabula, here he comes.  Enter Gerardine. Ger. 
How now lads does our Conceit cotton, ha' you summoned your wits from wool gathering? Are you fraughted with matter for this merriment?  Dry. 
Full full, we are in labour man, and we shall die without midwifery.  Club. 
We are ravished with delight like the wench that was got with child against her stomach— O but if we could wrest this smock law (now in hand) to our Club law, it were excellent.  Dry. 
Easily, easily, all shall be called the Club law.  Ger. 
As how?  Dry. 
Why thus: Club is the Crier, I am Poppin the Proctor and you Stickler the Doctor, he calls them to appear, I must be of their counsel, & you must atone them put 'em together we may know their cases, and be in their Elements (mark you me) but they cannot be in ours, Tut, none knows our secrets, we can speak fustian above their understanding, & make Asses ears attentive, I'll play ambidexter tell 'em 'tis a plain Case and put 'em down with the club law; so that (as Club said well e'en now) our knavery is as near allied, as felling of wood and getting of children.  Gera. 
Excellent excellent, by this they are at hand; let's bear these things like ourselves; I'll withdraw and put on my habiliments and then enter for the Doctor.  Exit. Enter Doctor Glister and Purge. Dry. 
Do so, they come, they come? welcome Master Doctor Glister and master Purge, there's a commission to be sat upon this day, to open a passage for imprisoned truth, concerning Acts yet in tenebris.  Do. Gl. 
True; I am brought hither by the malice of my wife  Pur. 
And I have a just Appeal against my wife.  D. Gli. 
Master Exigent (so I think you are called) I understand you have the Law at your fingers ends.  Dri. 
I can box Cases, and scold & scratch it out amongst them  Do. Glist. 
Indeed fame reports you to be a good Trumpeter of causes, I must retain you sir to sound mine?  Dry-Fat. 
My sackbut shall do it most pathetically; tell me in brief the nature of your Case?  Doc. 
Faith sir, a scandalous Letter devised to wrong my reputation, about a Bastard in the Country which should be mine.  Dri. 
About a Bastard in the Country which should be yours? hum; 'tis very like you then, it should seem.  Doct. 
O no sir, understand me, only fathered upon me.  Dri. 
Only fathered upon you, cum nemini obtrudi potest; I understand you and like you well to, you do not flatter yourself in your own Case, no: 'tis not good, well what more:  Do. 
And about my Niece got with child, in my own house.  Dri. 
by’r lady burdens of some weight, which you make light of— you deny?  Doct. 
What else sir, I have reason.  Dry. 
I know it well, I take you for no beast: believe me (master Doctor) denial and reason are two main grounds, stand upon them and you cannot err. Your case master Purge?  Purge 
First take your fee master Exigent, that you may have the more feeling, and urge it home when you come to't, mine is a discovery of my wives Iniquity at the Family of love.  Dri. 
Otherwise called the house of Venery, where they hunger and thirst for't.  Pur. 
True sir, you have heard of the hole in the wall, where they assemble together in the day time, like so many Bees under a hive.  Dry. 
Come home Crura Thimo plena, and lodge among hornets, is't not so?  Pur. 
I cannot tell sir, but for my part, I am much noted as I go  Dry. 
No doubt of that sir, your wife can furnish you with notes out of her Cotations.  Club. 
I and give him a two tagged point to tie 'em together.  Dry. 
But how came you to detect her?  Pu. 
Why thus sir: getting the word, I dogged her to the Family where closing with her I whispered so pleasing a tale in her ear, that I got from her her wedding Ring, & here 'tis.  Dri. 
Well, out of that ring we will wring matter that shall carry meat i'th' mouth. But what witness or proof can you produce to make good your wives iniquity, and your own Cuckoldry  Pur. 
Master Lipsalve, and Master gudgeon, who were her companions at that same time.  Dry. 
Very good are they cited in the quorum nomina?  Club. 
they will be here sir.  D. Gli. 
If they be they will bewray all.  Dry. 
So much the better 'twill savour well for Master Purge.  Pu. 
You understand my case now? D. Gl And mine too sir?  Dri, 
I do I do, they are as different as a Doctor & a Dunce, a man and a beast, here's the Compendium; yours master Doctor stands upon the negative, & yours master Purge upon the affirmative Pauca sapienti, I ha''t, I ha''t.  Pur. 
Mine is very currant sir, I can show you good gilt.  Dry. 
I marry, there spoke an Angel, guilt's currant indeed, let me feel't let me feellt.  Pur. 
I mean my wives guilt.  Doct. 
Master Poppin, you shall have Innocence to speak for me?  Dry. 
Tut, Innocence is a fool, I care not for's company, I can speak enough without him.  Doct. 
Then I hope you will be as good to us, as the five-finger at Maw.  Dry. 
No rather as Hercules, to lip labour 'em with the Club Law, tut let me alone.  Enter Mistress Glister, Mistress Purge, and Maria. Mi. Glist. 
O are you here sir, I have brought you a full barn to glut your greedy appetite if you have any maw, feed here till you choke again: Now shall I see the whole Carcase of your knavery ripped up, if thou hast any grace, now will thy red beard turn white upon't.  Mi. Pur. 
O how have I been tossed from post to pillar,  
in this libidinous world: the yoke I bear  
Is so uneven, as if an Innocent Lamb  
And a mad harebrained Ox should draw together:  
But I must have patience there's no remedy.  Dri. 
there's some difference between these two tempers.  Doct. 
I would give a hundred pounds my wife had so gentle a spirit.  Pur. 
My wife must needs be gentle, for she can bear double.  Enter Gerardine. Dri. 
Here comes master Doctor, now rig up your vessels, every one to his Tackling.  Ger. 
Good day to all at once, and peace amongst you: fie how I sweat, I think Vulcan near toiled so at his Anvil, as I have done, and all to make maids water to slake Cupid's fire, and to turn his shafts from the featherbed to the bed post, from the heart to the heel: Come master Poppin shall we to this gear?  Dri. 
Reverend Doctor we have stayed your coming: Crier cry silence?  He cries. 
Master Doctor: I have heard in general terms, the Tales of master Doctor Glister, and master Purge, which have in mutual manner jumped into the quagmire of my mind, out of which quagmire (by your enforcement, and mine own duty) I pluck them up by the ears, and thus in naked appearance I present them.  Ger. 
Ad rem, ad rem master Poppin: leave your allegories, your metaphors, and Circumlocutions, and to the point?  Dry. 
Then briefly thus: I have compared their tales, how short they will come of their wives I know not: and first for mistress Purge, crier call mistress Purge?  Club. 
Rebecca Purge, wife to Peter Purge Pothicary, appear upon thy purgation, upon pain of excommunication.  Mi. Pu. 
Here I am: O times impiety!  
Hither I come from out the harmless fold,  
To have my good name eaten up by wolves:  
See how they grin? well, the weak must to the wall,  
I must bear wrong, but shame shall them befall.  Ger. 
Who is her accuser?  Dry. 
Her own husband upon the late discovery of a Crew of narrow Rust strait laced, yet loose bodied Dames, with a Rout of Omnium gatherums, assembled by the title of the family of love; which master Doctor if they be not punished and suppressed by our Club Law, each man's copy hold, will become free hold, specialities will turn to generalities and so from unity to parity, from parity to plurality, & from plurality to universality, their wives, the only ornaments of their houses and of all their wares, goods and Chattel, the chief movables will be made common.  Pur. 
Most Voluble and eloquent proctor.  Ger. 
by’r lady these Enormities must and shall be redressed, otherwise I see their Charter will be infringed, and their ancient Staff of government the Club (from whence we derive our law of Castigation) this club I say (they seeming nothing less than men by their forepart) will be turned upon their own heads. Speak Rebecca Purge art thou one of this family? hast thou ever known the body of any man there, or elsewhere Concupiscentically?  Mi. P. 
No M. Doctor, those are but devices of the wicked to trap the Innocent, but I thank my spirit I have fear before my eyes, which my husband sees not, because something hangs in's light.  Pur. 
That's my horns: she flouts me to my face, and I will not endure it: I shall carry her mark to my grave: master Doctor she has given me that, that Esculapius (were he now extant) could not heal, nor Edax rerum take away?  Ge. 
Produce your witness M. Purge, and blow not your own horn?  Purge. 
Master Lipsalve and master gudgeon, let them be called.  Cl. 
Laurence Lipsalve & Gregory Gudgen late of hic & ubique in the County of nusquam Gentlemen, come into the Court, and give your evidence, upon pain of that which shall ensue.  Enter Lipsalve and Gudgin. Doctor. 
Here they come, in pain I warrant them: how works your physic Gallants? do you go well to the ground? now Cuckold the Doctor? wife who's your first man now, now strike with the scabbard: ha, ha, ha.  Gud. 
A villainous Doctor.  Lip. 
Mountebank you're a rascal, and we will cast about to be revenged.  Dri. 
Cast about this way, and bewray what you can concerning Mistress Purge, who stands here upon her purgation, either to prove mundified or contaminated, according to the tenor piece of your principal Evidence, first give 'em the Book?  Club. 
Come, lay your hands upon the Book: you shall speak and aver no more, nor wade no farther into the Cream pots of this woman's crime, than the naked truth, and the cart-rope of your conscience shall conduct you, so help you the contents: kiss the book.  Lips. 
Alas, we are not in case to answer largely, but if you will have our evidence in brief, I think I kissed her at the Family some three times; once at coming, once at going, and once in the midst, otherwise never knew her dishonestly.  Pur. 
ay, mark that middle kiss master Doctor?  Gud. 
And for my part I have been more mortified by her, then ever I was provoked.  Ger. 
How say you to this master Purge, your witness is weak, and surreverence on, without sounder proof, they may depart to the close stool whence they came, and you to your Pothecaries shop.  Pur. 
No master Doctor, I have another boult to shoot, that shall strike her dead, she shall not have a word to say.  Dry. 
Answer me to this Mistress Purge, where's your wedding Ring?  Mi. Pur. 
My wedding Ring? why what should I do with unnecessary things about me, when the poor begs at my gate ready to starve; is it not better (as I learned last Lecture) to send my substance before me, where I may find it, than to leave it behind me, where I must forego it? yes verily; wherefore (to put you out of doubt) I have given that Ring to charitable uses?  Dry. 
Nay now she falters: my Client can show that Ring, got from her at the Family, when these two Courtling had at the same time beleaguered her Fort.  Ger. 
This altars the Case clean, what starting hole ha' you now mistress Purge?  Mi. Purge. 
e'en the Sanctuary of a safe conscience: now truly, truly,( however he came by that Ring) by my Sisterhood I gave it to the relief of the distressed Geneva.  Purge. 
How! to the relief of the distressed Geneva? Justice master Doctor: I may now decline victus victa victum, one word more shall overthrow her: I myself was a Familist that day, who more jealous than zealous in devotion, thrust in amongst the rest (as I had most right) on purpose to sound her, to find out the knavery: short tale to make, I got her Ring, and here it is? let her deny it if she can; and what more I discovered, non est nunc narrandi locus.  Mi. Pur. 
Husband, I see you are hoodwinked in the right use of feeling and knowledge, as if I knew you not then, as well as the Child knows his own father, look in the posy of my Ring: does it not tell you that we two are one flesh? and hath not fellow feeling taught us to know one another as well by night as by day? husband husband, will you do as the blind jade, break your neck down a hill because you see it not? ha' you no light of nature in that flesh of yours? Now (as true as I live master Doctor I had a secret operation, and I knew him then to be my husband e'en by very instinct.  Purge. 
Impudence dost not blush? art not ashamed to lie so abominable.  Mi. Pur. 
No husband, rather be you ashamed of your own weakness, for, for my part I neither fear nor shame what man can do unto me.  Ger. 
Master Purge I see you have spent your pith; therefore best make a full point at the ring, and attend our pleasure, master Exigent proceed to the rest?  Dri. 
Crier, call Doctor Glister?  Club. 
Doctor Glister, alias suppositar doctor of physic, appear upon thy purgation, upon the belly pain that may ensue therein.  Doct. 
Here master Doctor.  Ger. 
Who is his accuser?  Dry. 
His clamorous wife, who seems to enforce a separation about a Bastard in the Country, which should be his, only fathered upon him.  Ger. 
What proof of that?  Mist. Gli. 
Proof unanswerable master Doctor, the Nurse's Letter: let it be read, but first observe his countenance? it may be his blushing will bewray his guilt.  Ger. 
Now by this light, I thought it had indeed, but I see 'tis but the reflection of his beard, Read the Letter Master Exigent?  Club. 
After my hearty commendations remembered unto your worshipful doctorship, trusting in god that you are as well as I was at the making hereof thanks be to him therefore, The cause of my writing unto you at this time is, to let you understand that your little son is turned a ragged colt, a very stripling, for being now stripped of all his clothing, his backside wants a tailpiece commends itself to your fatherly Consideration. Woe worth the time that ever I gave suck to a child that came in at the window, god knows how. Yet if you did but see how like the pert little read headed knave is, to his Father: and how like a Cock sparrow he mouse's and touses my little Bess already, you would take him for your own, and pay me my hire, I write not of the want of one thing for I want all things, wherefore take some speedy order or else as naked as he came from the mother will I send him to the father. From Pis. the xxii of—  
Your poor nurse Thomasive Tweed es.  Doctor: 
Master doctor: Truth needs not the foil of Rhetoric, I will only in Monosillaba answer for myself, (as sometimes a wise man did) such and such things are laid to my charge, which I deny, you may think of me what you please, but I am as innocent in this, as the child new borne.  Ger. 
Why there's partly a confession: the child we know is innocent and not new borne neither: for it should seem by the letter he is able to call his dad, knave.  Doct. 
You take me wrong master Proctor?  Dry. 
Under correction thus much can I say for my client's Justification; Indeed he hath travelled well in the beating of pulses, and hath been much conversant in women's Jordan, but he had ever a care to raise his patient, being before cast down: his charitable disposition hath been such to poor folk, that he never took above four pence for the casting of a water, which good custom was so well known among all his patients, that if sixpence were at any time offered him they might be bold to ask and have two pence again. He hath been so skilful and painful withal, in the cure of the green sickness, that of my knowledge) he hath risen at all hours in the night to pleasure maids that have had it. And for that foul mouthed disease termed by a fine phrase— a pox on't what d'ee call't? o! the Grincomes, at that he hath played his doctor's prize, and writes Nil vltra to all Mountebanks. So that the wise woman in Pissing alley, nor she in Do-little lane are more famous for good deeds than he. Then master Doctor, out of these presumptions, besides his flat denial (a more infallible ground) you may gather his innocence, and let him have his purgation.  Gerardine. 
No Master Exigent it is not so to be foisted off.  Mi. Gl. 
Nay master Doctor what say you to his own Niece that looks big upon him, an arrow that sticks for the upshot against all comers, which by his restraint of her, from master Gerardine an honest Gentleman that loved her, and upon that Colour from the sight and intercourse of other men, must by all presumptions be his own Act.  Gerar. 
O monstrous! this is a foul Blot in your Tables indeed.  Doct. 
Wife thou hast no shame nor womanhood in thee, thy conscience knows me.  Mi. Gli. 
True of thy flesh who knows not that? thy beard speaks for thee: ay, I, thou liest by me like a Stone, but abroad th' art like a stone horse you old Timelifter.  Dri. 
Cease your clamour, and attend my speech; most Worshipful, reverend and judicial Doctor, for the quickening of your memory I will give you a Breviat of all that hath been spoken: Master Doctor Glister hath a cradlefull and a belly full (you see) thrust upon him, and master Purge a head fool. Your wife is an angry honeyless wasp, whose sting I hope you need not fear? and yours carries honey in her mouth, but her sting makes your forehead swell: your wife makes you deaf with the shrill treble of her tongue, and yours makes you horn mad with the tenor of her Tail. In fine, master doctor's refuge is his conscience, and Master Purge runs at his wives Ring.  Ger. 
Summa totalis, a good Audit, ha' you made master Exigent: now attend my arbiterment: For you Gallants though you have incurred the danger of the Law, by using counterfeit keys, and putting your hands into the wrong pocket; yet because I see you punished and purged already, my advise is, that you learn the A.B.C. of better manners, go back and tell how you have been used in the City, and being thus scoured keep yourselves clean, and the bed undefiled. For you Master Purge, because I see your Evidence insufficient, and indeed too weak to foil your wives uprightness, and seeing jealousy and unkindness, hath only made her a stranger in your land of Ham; my counsel is that you readvance your Standard, give her new press money?  Purge. 
You may enjoin me sir but—  Ger. 
But not at me man, I will enjoin you, and conjoin you, and briefly thus, you have your Ring that has made this combustion and uproar, that keep still, wear it, and here by my edict be it proclaimed, to all that are jealous, to wear their wives Ring still on their fingers, as best for their security, and the only charm against Cuckoldry.  Purge. 
Then wife at master doctor's enjointment (so thou wilt promise me to come no more at the Family) I receive thee into the lists of my favour.  Mistr. Purge. 
Truly Husband my love must be free still to God's creatures, yea nevertheless preserving you still as the head of my body, I will do as the Spirit shall enable me.  Ger. 
Go too: thou hast a good wife, and there an end: upon you master Doctor (being solicited by so apparent proof) I can do no less than pronounce a severe sentence: and yet i'faith the reverence of your calling and profession doth somewhat check my austerity, what if master Gerardine (by my persuasion would yet be induced to take your Niece and father the child, would you launch with a thousand pound, besides her father's portion?  Doct. 
Master Doctor I would, were it but to redeem her lost good name.  Ger. 
Then foreknowing what would happen, I thought good in master Gerardine's name, to have this bond ready, which if you seal to, he shall take her with all faults.  Doct. 
That will I instantly— So, this is done, which together with my Niece do I deliver by these presents to the use of master Gerardine.  Ger. 
He thanks you heartily, and lets you know (they discover themselves  
That Indian mines and Tagus glistering oar  
To this bequest were unto me but poor.  Doct. Gli. 
What! Gerardine, dry-fat and Club?  Dry. 
The very same: your are welcome to our Club Law?  Club. 
The very same: your are welcome to our Club Law?  Ger. 
Cease admiration here! what doubt remains  
I'll satisfy at full, now join with me,  
For approbation of our Family.    

epilogus.  
Gentles whose favour have overspread this place,  
And shed the real influence of grace  
On harmless mirth. we thank you, for our hope  
Attracts such vigour and unmeasured scope  
From the reflecting splendour of your eyes,  
That grace presumed, fear in oblivion dies.  
Your judgement as it is the Touch and trier  
Of good from bad, so from your hearts comes fire,  
That gives both ardour to the wit refined,  
And sweetness th' Incense of each willing mind:  
O may that fire near die, nor let your savours  
Depart from us: give countenance to their labours  
Proposed a Sacrifice, which may no less  
Their strong desires, than our true zeals express.   
FINIS.