MICHAELMAS Term.  
AS IT HATH BEEN Sundry times acted by the Children of Paul's.  
 
AT LONDON, ❧ Printed for A. I. and are to be sold at the sign of the white horse in Paul's Churchyard. An. 1607.   


Inductio.  Enter Michaelmas Term in a whitish Cloak, new come up out of the country, a Boy bringing his Gown after him! Micha: 
Boy?  Boy: 
Here sit!  Mi: 
Lay by my conscience, give me my Gown,  
That weed is for the country,  
We must be civil now, and match out Evil,  
Who first made Civil, black; he pleased the Devil;  
So; now know I where I am, methinks already  
I grasp best part of the Autumnian blessing  
In my contentious fathom, my hand's free,  
From wronger and from wronged I have fee,  
And what by sweat from the rough earth they draw,  
Is to enrich this silver harvest, Law,  
And so through wealthy variance, and fat brawl,  
The barn is made but Steward to the Hall;  
Come they up thick enough?  Boy: 
Oh like hops and harlot's sir!  Mi: 
Why dost thou couple them?  Boy: 
Oh very aptly, for as the hop well boiled will make a man not stand upon his legs: so the harlot in time will leave a man no legs to stand upon!  Mi: 
Such another and be my heir, I have no Child,  
Yet have I wealth would redeem beggary,  
I think it be a curse both here and foreign,  
Where bags are fruitful'st, there the womb's most barren,  
The poor has all our children, we their wealth;  
Shall I be prodigal when my life cools,  
Make those my heirs whom I have beggared; Fools?  
It would be wondrous; rather beggar more,  
Thou shalt have heirs enough, thou keep'st a whore,  
And here comes kindred too with no mean purses,  
Yet strive to be still blessed with client's curses.  Music playing. Enter the other 3. Termes, the first bringing in a fellow poor, which the other 2. advanceth, giving him rich Apparel, apage, and a pandar. Exit. Mi: 
What subtlety have we here? a fellow  
Shrugging for life's kind benefits, shift and heat,  
Crept up in 3. Terms, wrapped in silk and silver,  
So well appointed too with Page and Pandar,  
It was a happy gale that blew him hither.  

1. Thou father of the Terms hail to thee.  
2. May much contention still keep with thee.  
3. Many new fools come up and fee thee.  
2. Let 'em pay dear enough that see thee.   

1.  
And like Asses use such men,  
When their load's off, turn 'em to graze again.   

2.  
And may our wish have full effect, Many a suit, and much neglect.   

3.  
And as it hath been often found, Let the client's cups come round.   

2.  
Help your poor kinsmen when you ha' got 'em. You may drink deep, leave us the bottom;   

3.  
Or when there is a lamb fallen in, Take you the lamb, leave us the skin.   Mi: 
Your duty and regard hath moved us,  
Never till now we thought you loved us,  
Take comfort from our words, and make no doubt,  
You shall have suits come sixteen times about.  All. 
We humbly thank the patron of our hopes.  Exeunt. Mi: 
With what a vassal— appetite they Gnaw,  
On our reversions; and are proud,  
Coldly to taste our meats, which eight returns  
Serve in to us as courses;  
One day our writs like wildfowl fly abroad,  
And then return o'er Cities, Towns, and Hills,  
With Clients like dried straws between their bills;  
And 'tis no few birds pick to build their Nests,  
Nor no small money that keeps Drabs and Feasts!  
But Gentlemen, to spread myself open unto you, in cheaper Terms I salute you, for ours have but sixpenny fees all the year long, yet we dispatch you in two hours, without demur; your Suits hang not long here after Candles be lighted: Why we call this play by such a dear and chargeable Title, Michaelmas Term? Know it consents happily to our purpose, though perhaps faintly to the interpretation of many; for he that expects any great quarrels in Law to be handled here, will be fondly deceived, this only presents those familiar accidents, which happened in Town in the circumference of those six weeks, whereof Michaelmas Term is Lord: Sat sapienti, I hope there's no fools i'th' house!  Exit. Enter at one door Master Rerrage, meeting Master Salewood. Salewood: 
What Master Rerage?  Rer: 
Master Salewood? Exceedingly well met in Town, comes your Father up this Term?  Sal. 
Why he was here three days before the Exchequer gaped.  Rer. 
Fie, such an early Termer?  Sal. 
he's not to be spoke withal, I dare not ask him blessing, till the last of November.  Rer. 
And how looks thy little venturing Cousin?  Sal. 
Faith like a Lute that has all the strings broke, nobody will meddle with her.  Rer. 
Fie, there are Doctors enough in Town will string her again, and make her sound as sweet as ere she did, is she not married yet?  Sal. 
Sh' as no luck, some may better steal a horse than others look on. I have known a virgin of five bastards wedded, faith when all's done we must be feign to marry her into the North I'm afraid.  Rer: 
But will she pass so think you?  Sal: 
Puh, any thing that is warm enough is good enough for them; so it come in the likeness, though the Devil be in't, they'll venture the firing.  Rer: 
They're worthy spirits i'faith, heard you the News?  Sal: 
Not yet.  Rer: 
Mistress Difficult is fallen a widow.  Sal: 
Say true, is Master Difficult the Lawyer dead?  Rer: 
Easily dead sir.  Sal: 
Pray when died he?  Rer: 
What a question's that? when should a Lawyer die but in the vacation, he has no leisure to die in the term-time, beside the Noise there would fetch him again.  Sal: 
Knew you the nature of his disease.  Rer: 
Faith some say he died of an old grief he had, that the vacation was fourteen weeks long.  Sal: 
And very likely. I knew 'twould kill him at last, t'as troubled him a long time, he was one of those that would fain have brought in the heresy of a fift Term, often crying with a loud voice, oh why should we lose Bartholmew week?  Rer: 
He savours, stop your Nose, no more of him.  Enter master Cockstone, a Gentleman meeting master easy of Essex. Cock: 
Young master Easy, let me salute you sir, when came you?  Easy: 
I have but Inned my horse since master Cockstone.  Cock: 
You seldom visit London master Easy,  
But now your Father's dead 'tis your only course,  
Here's gallants of all sizes, of all lasts,  
Here you may fit your foot, make choice of those  
Whom your affection may rejoice in:  Easy: 
You have easily possessed me I am free,  
Let those live hinds that know not liberty.  Cock: 
Master Rerage?  Easy 
Good master Salewood, I am proud of your society.  Rer: 
What gentleman might that be?  Cock: 
One master Esay, h'as good land in Essex,  
a fair free-breasted Gentleman, somewhat too open,  
bad in man, worse in woman,  
the gentry-fault at first, he is yet fresh  
and wants the City powdering, but what news?  
is't yet a match twixt master Qomodo's the rich draper's  
daughter and yourself.  Rer: 
Faith sir, I am vildly rivaled!  Cock: 
Vildly? by whom.  Rer: 
One Andrew Lethe crept to a little warmth, and now so proud that he forgets all storms, one that near wore apparel, but like ditches 'twas cast before he had it, now shines bright in rich embroideries, him master Quomodo affects, the daughter him, the mother only me, I rest most doubtful, my side being wookest.  Cock: 
Yet the mother's side being surer than the Fathers, it may prove, men plead for money best, women for love.  Rer: 
'slid master Quomodo?  Cock: 
How then, afraid of a woollen draper.  Rer: 
He warned me his house, and I hate he should see me abroad!  Quomodo with his two spirits, Shortyard and Falselight. Quo: 
Oh my 2. spirits Shortyard and Falselight, you that have so enriched me, I have industry for you both?  Sho: 
Then do you please us best sir.  Quo: 
Wealthy employment.  Sho: 
You make me itch sir.  Quo: 
You Falselight as I have directed you.  Fals: 
I am nimble.  Quo: 
Go, make my course commodities, look, seek, with subtle art beguile the honest eye, be near to my trapwindow, cunning Falselight.  Fals: 
I never failed it yet.  Exit Falls. Quo: 
I know thou didst not;  
But now to thee my true and secret Shortyard,  
Whom I dare trust e'en with my wife,  
Thou near didst mistress harm, but master, good,  
There are too few of thy name Gentlemen,  
And that we feel, but citizens' abundance,  
I have a task for thee my pregnant spirit,  
To exercise thy pointed wits upon.  Sho. 
Give it me, for I thirst.  Quo: 
Thine care shall drink it,  
Know then I have not spent this long Vacation  
Only for pleasure's sake, give me the man  
Who out of recreation culls advantage,  
dives into seasons, never walks, but thinks,  
Nerides, but plots, my journey was toward Essex.  Sho: 
Most true?  Quo: 
Where I have seen what I desire.  Sho: 
A woman?  Quo: 
Puh; a woman, yet beneath her, that which she often treads on. Yet commands her land, fair neat Land.  Sho: 
What is the mark you shoot at.  Quo: 
Why the fairest to cleave the heir in twain, I mean his Title to murder his estate, stifle his right in some some detested prison, there are means and ways enough to hook in Gentry, besides our deadly enmity which thus stands they're busy 'bout our wives, We 'bout their Lands.  Sho: 
Your revenge is more glorious,  
To be a cuckold is but for one life,  
When land remains to you, your heir, or wife!  Quo: 
Ah sirrah, do we sting'em, this fresh gallant rode newly up before me!  Sho: 
I beseech his name.  Quo: 
Young master Easy.  Sho: 
Easy? It may fall right.  Quo: 
I have inquired his haunt, stay, ha, I that, 'tis, that's he, that's he!  Sho: 
Happily!  Quo: 
Observe, take surely note of him, he's fresh and free shift thyself speedily into the shape of gallantry, I'll swell thy purse with angels, keep foot by foot with him, outdare his expenses, flatter, dice, and brothel to him, give him a sweet taste of Sensuality, train him to every wasteful sin, that he may quickly need health, but especially money, ravish him with a dame or two, be his bawd for once, I'll be thine for ever, drink drunk with him, creep into bed to him, kiss him and undo him, my sweet spirit.  Sho: 
Let your care dwell in me soon shall it shine, What subtlety is in man, that is not mine.  (Exit. Quo: 
O my most cheerful spirit, go, dispatch, Gentry is the chief fish we Tradesmen catch.  (Exit. Easy: 
What's here?  Sale: 
Oh, they are bills for Chambers.  Easy 
Against Saint Andrew's, at a painter's house, there's a fair chamber ready furnished to be let, the house not only endowed with a new fashion forepart, but which is more convenient for a Gentleman, with a very provident backdoor.  Sale: 
Why here's virtue still; I like that thing that's necessary, as well as pleasant.  Cock: 
What news in yonder paper.  Rerra: 
Ha? seek you for news, there's for you!  Sale: 
Whose 'tis? in the name of the black Angels, Andro Gruill.  Rer: 
No, Andro Lethe!  Sale: 
Lethe?  Rer: 
Has forgot his father's name, poor Walter Gruill that begot him, fed him, and brought him up.  Sale: 
Not hither.  Rer: 
No; 'twas from his thoughts, he brought him up below.  Sale: 
But does he pass for Lethe.  Rer: 
'mongst strange eyes that no more know him, than he knows himself, that's nothing now, for master Andro Lethe, a gentleman of most received parts, forgetfulness, Lust, Impudence, and Falsehood, and one especial Courtly quality; to wit, no wit at all, I am his Rival for Quomodo's daughter, but he knows it not.  Sale: 
Has spied us o'er his paper.  Rer: 
Oh that's a warning to make our duties ready.  Cock: 
Salute him, hang him.  Rer: 
Puh, wish his health a while, he'll be laid shortly, let him gorge Venison for a time, our doctors will bring him to dry mutton; seem respective to make his pride swell like a Toad with dew.  Sale: 
Master Lethe!  Rer: 
Sweet master Lethe.  Lathe: 
Gentlemen your pardon, I remember you not.  Sale: 
Why we supped with you last night sir!  Lethe: 
Oh cry you mercy, 'tis so long ago,  
I had quite forgot you, I must be forgiven,  
Acquaintance, dear society, suits and things,  
Do so flow to me; that had I not the better memory!  
'twould be a wonder I should know myself,  
Esteem is made of such a dizzy metal;  
I have received of many gifts o'er night  
Whom I have forgot ere morning, meeting the men,  
I wished 'em to remember me again,  
They do so: then if I forget again,  
I know what helped before, that will help then,  
This is my course, for memory I have been told  
twenty preserves, the best I find is gold;  
ay truly! are you not knights yet, Gentlemen.  Sale: 
Not yet!  Leth: 
No, that must be looked into, 'tis your own salt,  
I have some store of Venison, where shall we devour it,  
Gentlemen?  Sale: 
The horn were a fit place.  Leth: 
For Venison, fit,  
The horn having chaste it,  
At the horn— we'll Rhyme to that.—  Cock: 
Taste it.  Sale: 
Wast it.  Rer: 
Cast it.  Leth: 
That's the true rhyme indeed, we hunt our Venison  
twice I tell you, first out a'th' park, next out a'th' Belly.  Cock: 
First dogs take pains to make it fit for men,  
Than men take pain to make it fit for dogs.  Leth: 
Right.  Cock: 
Why this is kindness, a kind Gallant, you,  
And love to give the dogs more than their due,  
We shall attend you sir.  Leth: 
I pray do so.  Sale: 
The horn.  Leth: 
Easily remembered that you know!  Exeunt. 
But now unto my present business, the Daughter yields, and Quomodo consents, only my mistress Quomodo, her mother without regard runs full against me, and sticks hard! Is there no law for a woman that will run upon a man at her own apperil. Why should not she consent, knowing my state, my sudden fortunes, I can command a custard, and other bake-meats, death of sturgeon, I could keep house with nothing, what friends have I? how well am I beloved, e'en quite throughout the scullery, not consent? 'tis e'en as I have writ, I'll be hanged, and she love me not herself & would rather preserve me, as a private friend to her own pleasures, than any way advance her daughter upon me to beguile herself, then how have I relieved her in that point, let me peruse this letter. Good mistress Quomodo, or rather as I hope ere the Term end, mother Quomodo, since only your consent keeps a loof off and hinders the copulation of your daughter, what may I think, but that it is a mere affection in you, doting upon some small inferior virtue of mine, to draw me in upon yourself, if the case stand so, I have comfort for you: for this you may well assure yourself, that by the marriage of your daughter I have the better means and opportunity to yourself, and without the least suspicion. This is moving stuff, and that works best with a citizen's wife, but who shall I get to convey this now: my Page I ha' sent forth, my Pandar I have employed about the country, to look out some third sister, or entice some discontented Gentlewoman from her husband, whom the laying out of my appetite shall maintain, nay I'll deal like an honourable Gentleman, I'll be kind to women, that which I gather i'th' day, I'll put into their purses at night, you shall have no cause to rail at me, no faith, I'll keep you in good fashion Ladies, no meaner men than knights shall ransom home your gowns, and recover your smocks, I'll not dally with you— some poor widow woman would come as a necessary bawd now: and see where fitly comes— my mother! curse off poverty does she come up to shame me, to betray my birth, and cast soil upon my new Suit, let her pass me, I'll take no notice of her, Scurvy— murrey— Carsey!  Moth: 
By your leave and like your worship.  Leth: 
Then I must proudly venture it; to me good woman.  Moth: 
I beseech one word with your worship.  Leth: 
prithee be brief then.  Moth: 
Pray can your worship tell me any tidings of one Andro Gruill, a poor son of mine own.  Leth: 
I know a gallant Gentleman of the name, one master Andro Gruill and well received amongst Ladies.  Moth: 
That not he then!  
He is no Gentleman that I mean.  Leth: 
Good woman if he be a Gruill, he's a Gentleman i'th' mornings: that's a Gentleman a'th' first, you cannot tell me  Moth: 
No truly, his father was an honest upright Tooth-drawer.  Leth: 
O my teeth.  Moth: 
An't please your worship, I have made a fore journey out, all this vacant time, to come up and see my son Andro, poor Walter Gruill his Father has laid his life, and left me alone woman, I have not one husband in all the world, therefore my coming up is for relief an't like your worship, hoping that my son Andro is in some place about the Kitchen.  Leth: 
Kitchen, puh, fah.  Mo: 
Or a servingman to some Knight of worship.  Leth: 
Oh let me not endure her! Know you not me good woman?  Mo: 
Alas, an't please your worship, I never saw such a glorious suit since the hour I was kirsened.  Leth: 
Good, she knows me not, my glory does disquiet me,  
Beside my poorer name being drenched in Lethe,  
she'll hardly understand me, what a fresh air can do!  
I may employ her as a private drudge,  
To pass my letters and secure my lust,  
And near be noted mine, to shame my blood,  
And drop my staining birth upon my raiment, faith good  
woman you will hardly get to the speech of master Andro,  
I tell you.  Mo: 
No?  
Marry hang him, and like your Worship, I have known the day when nobody card to speak to him!  Leth: 
You must take heed how you speak ill of him now I cantle you; he's so employed.  Mo: 
employed for what?  Leth: 
For his behaviour, wisdom, and other virtues.  Mo: 
His virtues? no 'tis well known, his father was too poor a man to bring him up to any virtues; he can scarce write and read.  Leth: 
he's the better regarded for that amongst Courtiers, for that's but a needy quality!  Mo: 
If it be so, than he'll be great shortly, for he has no good parts about him.  Leth. 
Well good woman, or mother, or what you will.  Mo: 
Alack the day, I know your worship scorns to call me mother: 'tis not a thing fit for your worship indeed, such a simple old woman as I am.  Leth: 
In pity of thy long journey, there's sixpence British: tend upon me, I have business for you.  Mo: 
I'll wait upon your Worship.  Leth: 
Two pole off at least.  Mo: 
I am a clean old woman, an't like your Worship.  Leth: 
It goes not by cleanness here good woman, if you were fouler, so you were braver, you might come nearer.  Mo: 
Nay and that be the fashion, I hope I shall (Exit .get it shortly, there's no woman so old but she may learn; and as an old Lady delights in a young Page or monkey, so there are young Courtiers will be hungry upon an old woman, I warrant you.  Exit. Enter Lethe's Pandar with a Country wench. Pandar 
Come, leave your puling and sighing.  Count: 
Beshrew you now, why did you entice me from my father  Pandar 
Why? to thy better advancement, wouldst thou a pretty beautiful— juicy squall, live in a poor thrummed house i'th' country in such servile— habiliments, and may well pass for a gentlewoman i'th' City, does not 5 hundred do so thinkst thou, and with worse faces, oh, now in these latter days, the Devil reigning 'tis an age for cloven creatures? but why sad now? yet indeed 'tis the fashion of any Courtesan to be seasick i'th' first Voyage, but at next she proclaims open wars, like a beaten soldier: why Northamptonshire Lass dost dream of virginity now? remember a loose-bodied Gown wench, & let it go, wires, & tires, bents and bums, felts and falls, thou that shalt deceive the world, that Gentlewomen indeed shall not be known from others; I have a master to whom I must prefer thee, after the aforesaid decking, Lethe by name, a man of one most admired property, he can both love thee and for thy better advancement be thy Pandar himself, an exc'llent spark of humility.  Count: 
Well heaven forgive you, you train me up to't.  Pandar 
Why I do acknowledge it, and I think I do you a pleasure in't.  Count: 
And if I should prove a harlot now, I should be bound to curse you.  Pandar 
Bound? nay and you prove a harlot, you'll be loose enough.  Count: 
If I had not a desire to go like a gentlewoman, you should be hanged, ere you should get me to't I warrant you.  Pandar 
Nay that's certain, nor a 1000. more of you, I know, you are all chaste enough, till one thing or other tempt you! deny a Satin gown and you dare now?  Count: 
You know I have no power to do't, and that makes you so wilful: for what woman is there such a beast that will deny any thing that is good.  Pandar 
True they will not, most dissembler.  Count: 
No, and she bear a brave mind she will not I warrant you.  Pandar 
Why, therefore take heart, faint not at all,  
Women near rise, but when they fall,  
Let a man break, he's gone, blown up,  
A woman's breaking sets her up,  
Virginity is no City— Trade,  
You're out a'th' Freedom, when you're a maid,  
Down with the lattice 'tis but thin,  
Let courser beauties work within:  
Whom the light mocks, thou art fair and fresh,  
The guilded flies, will light upon thy flesh.  Count: 
Beshrew your sweet enchantments, you have won.  Pandar 
How easily soft women are undone:  
So farewell wholesome weeds where treasure pants,  
And welcome silks, where lies disease and wants:  
Come wench, now flow thy Fortunes in to bless thee,  
I'll bring thee where thou shalt be taught to dress thee!  Count: 
Oh as soon as may be, I am in a swoon till I be a gentlewoman, and you know what flesh is man's meat, tell it be dressed.  Pandar 
Most certain, no more a woman.  Exeunt.  

Actus Secundus.  Enter Rerrage, Salewood, Lethe, easy, with Shortyard alias Blastfield, at dice. Rer: 
Gentlemen I ha' sworn I'll change the room: dice?  Leth: 
You see I'm patient gentlemen!  Sale: 
ay, the fiends in't, you're patient, you put up all. devils.  Rer. 
Come set me gentlemen!  Sho: 
An Essex gentleman sir.  Eas. 
An unfortunate one sir.  Sho: 
Indeed sir.  Easy 
he's second to my bosom.  Sho: 
I'll give you that comfort then sir, you must not want money as long as you are in town sir.  Easy 
No sir?  Sho: 
I am bound in my love to him to see you furnished, and in that comfort I recover my salute again sir.  Easy 
Then I desire to be more dear unto you.  Sho: 
I rather study to be dear unto you— boy, fill some wine.— I knew not what fair impressure I received, at first, but I began to affect your society very speedily.  Easy 
I count myself the happier.  Sho: 
To master Alsup sir, to whose remembrance, I could love to drink till I were past remembrance.  Eas. 
I shall keep Christmas with him sit, where your health shall likewise undoubtedly be remembered, and thereupon I pledge you:— I would sue for your name sir.  Sho. 
Your suit shall end in one Term sir: my name is Blastfield.  Eas. 
Kind master Blastfield, your dearer acquaintance.  Rer. 
Nay come, will ye draw in Gentlemen? set me:  Eas. 
Faith I'm scattered.  Sho. 
Sir, you shall not give out so meanly of yourself in my company for a Million: make Such privy to your disgrace? you're a Gentleman of fair fortunes; keep me your reputation; set 'em all, there's crowns for you.  Eas. 
Sir you bind me infinitely in these courtesies.  Sho. 
You must always have a care of your Reputation here in Town master Esay, although you ride down with nothing, it skills not.  Eas. 
I'm glad you tell me that yet, then I'm indifferent. Well, come: who throws? I set all these.  Sho. 
Why, well said.  Sale. 
This same master Lethe here begins to undo us again.  Leth. 
Ah sir, I came not hither but to win.  Sho. 
And than you'll leave us, that's your fashion.  Leth. 
he's base that visits not his friends:  Sho. 
But he's more base that carries out his winnings.  
None will do so but those have base beginnings  Leth. 
It is a thing in use and ever was, I pass this time.  Sho. 
I wonder you should pass. And that you're suffered.  Leth. 
Tut, the Dice are ours,  
Then wonder not at those that have most powers.  Rer. 
The Devil and his Angels.  Leth. 
Are these they? Welcome dear Angels, where you're cursed near stay.  Sal. 
here's luck.  Eas. 
Let's search him Gentlemen, I think he wears a smock:  Sho. 
I knew the time, he wore not half a shirt, just like a pea.  Eas. 
No, how did he for the Rest?  Sho. 
Faith he compounded with a couple of Napkins at Barnet, and so truss up the lower parts.  Eas. 
'twas a pretty shift i'faith.  Sho. 
But master Lethe has forgot that too.  Eas. 
A mischief on't to lose all: I could—  Sho. 
Nay but good Ma Esay, do not do yourself that tyranny I beseech you, I must not ha' you alter your body now for the Purge of a little money: you undo me and you do.  Eas. 
'twas all I brought up with me, I protest master Blastfield, all my rent till next quarter.  Sho. 
Pox of money, talk not on't I beseech you, what said I to you? Mass I am out of cash myself too,— Boy.  Boy. 
Anon sir.  Sho. 
Run presently to master Gum the Mercer, and will him to tell out two or three hundred pound for me, or more according as he is furnished: I'll visit him i'th' morning say.  Boy. 
It shall be said sir.  Sho. 
Do you hear boy?  Boy. 
Yes sir.  Sho. 
If master Gum be not sufficiently ready, call upon master Profit the Goldsmith.  Boy. 
It shall be done sir.  Sho. 
Boy.  Boy. 
I know I was not sent yet now is the time.  Sho. 
Let them both rest till another occasion: you shall not need to run so far at this time, take one nigher hand go to Ma. Quomodo the Draper, and will him to furnish me instantly.  Boy. 
Now I go sir.  Eas. 
It seems you're well known master Blastfield, and your credit very spacious here i'th' City.  Sho. 
Master Esay, let a man bear himself portly, the whoresons will creep to him a'th' their bellies, and their wives a'th' their backs: there's a kind of bold grace expected throughout all the parts of a Gentleman: then for your observances, a man must not so much as spit but within line and fashion. I tell you what I ha' done: sometimes I carry my water all London over, only to deliver it proudly at the Standard, and do I pass altogether unnoted think you? No, a man can no sooner peep out his head, but there's a bow bent at him out of some watch tower, or other.  Eas. 
So readily sir.  Sho. 
Push, you know a bow's quickly ready, though a Gun belong a charging, and will shoot five times to his once, Come, you shall bear yourself jovially: take heed of setting your looks to your losses, but rather smile upon your ill luck, and invite 'em tomorrow to another breakfast of Bones.  Eas. 
Nay i'll forswear dicing.  Sho. 
What? peace? I am ashamed to hear you: will you cease in the first loss, show me one Gentleman that ere did it? Fie upon't I must use you to company I perceive, you'd be spoiled else: forswear Dice? I would your friends heard you i'faith.  Eas. 
Nay I was but in jest sir.  Sho. 
I hope so, what would Gentlemen say of you? there goes a Gull that keeps his money, I would not have such a report go on you, for the World as long as you are in my company. Why man fortune altars in a Minute, I ha' known those have recovered so much in an hour, their purses were never sick after.  Rer. 
Oh worse than consumption of the Liver! consumption of the patrimony.  Sho. 
How now? mark their humours master Esay.  Rer. 
Forgive me, my posterity, yet ungotten.  Sho. 
That's a penitent maudlin Dicer.  Rer. 
Few know the sweets that the plain life allows. wild son that surfeits of his father's brows.  Sho. 
Laugh at him master Easy.  Eas. 
Ha, ha ha.  Sal. 
I'll be damned and these be not the bones of some quean that cozened me in her life, and now consumes me after her death.  Sho. 
That's the true-wicked-blasphemous, and soul-shuddering Dicer, that will curse you all service time, & attribute his ill luck always to one Drab or other.  Leth. 
Dick, Hell-gill: the happy News.  Hel. 
I have her for you sir.  Leth. 
Peace, what is she?  Helg. 
Young, beautiful and plump.— a delicate piece of sin.  Leth. 
Of what parentage?  Helg. 
Oh a Gentlewoman of a great house.  Leh. 
Fie, fie.  Helg. 
she newly came out of a barn; yet too good for a tooth-drawer's son.  Leth. 
Is she wife or maid?  Helg. 
That which is daintiest, Maid  Leth. 
I'd rather she'd been a wife.  Helg. 
A wife sir, why?  Leth. 
Oh Adultery is a great deal sweeter in my mind.  Helg. 
Diseases gnaw thy bones. I think she has deserved to be a wife sir.  Leth. 
That will move well.  Helg. 
Her firstling shall be mine. Swine look but for the husks, the meat be thine.  Sho: 
How now Boy?  Boy. 
Master Quomodo takes your worship's greeting exceeding kindly, and in his commendations returns this answer, that your worship shall not be so apt to receive it, as he willing to lend it.  Sho. 
Why, we thank him i'faith.  Eas. 
Troth, and you ha' reason to thank him sir, 'twas a very friendly answer.  Sh. 
Push, a Gentleman that keeps his days even here i'th' City (as I myself watch to do) shall have many of those answers in a twelvemonth, master Esay.  Eas. 
I promise you sir I admire your carriage, and begin to hold a avc-d reverend respect of you.  Sho. 
Not so I beseech you, I give my friends leave to be inward with me,— will you walk Gentlemen?  Leth. 
we're for you. Present her with this jewel my first token.  Enter a Drawer. Draw. 
There are certain Countrymen without inquiring for master Rerage, and master Salewood.  Rer. 
Tenants!  Salew. 
Thou revivest us Rascal.  Rer. 
When's our next meeting Gentlemen?  Shor. 
Tomorrow night, This Gentleman, by me invites you all, Do you not Master Esay?  Easy. 
Freely sir.  Salew. 
We do embrace your love— a pure fresh Gull  Short. 
Thus make you men at parting dutiful, And rest beholding to you, 'tis the slight To be remembered, when you're out of sight.  Easi. 
A pretty virtue.  Exeunt. Enter the country-wenches Father, that was enticed for Leth: Father. 
Where shall I seek her now?— oh if she knew The Dangers that attend on women's lives, She would rather lodge under a poor thatched Roof Then under carved seelings: she was my joy, And all content that I received from life, My dear and only Daughter: What says the Note she left, let me again With staider grief peruse it— Father? wonder not at my so sudden departure, without your leave or knowledge, thus under pardon I excuse it, had you had knowledge of it, I know you would have sought to restrain it, and hinder me from what I have long desired, being now happily preferred to a Gentleman's service in London; about Holborn, if you please to send, you may hear well of me—  
As false as she is disobedient,  
i've made larger inquiry, left no place  
(Where Gentry keeps) unsought, yet cannot hear,  
Which drives me most into a shameful fear:  
Woe worth th' infected cause that makes me visit  
This man-devouring City— where I spent  
My unshapen youth, to be my ages curse,  
And surfeited away my name and state,  
In swinish Riots, that now being sober,  
I do awake, a Beggar,— I may hate her.  
Whose youth voids wine, his age is cursed with water,  
Oh heavens! I know the price of ill, too well,  
What, the confusions are in whom they dwell,  
And how soon Maids are to their Ruins won  
One minute, and eternally undone:  
So in mine may it: may it not be thus?—  
Though she be poor, her honours precious,  
May be my present form, and her fond fear,  
May chase her from me, if her eye should get me,  
And therefore as my love and wants advise.  
I'll serve until I find her in disguise.  
Such is my care to fright her from base evils  
I leave calm state to live amongst you, devils.  Exit Lethe's Mother enters with Quomodo's wife with the Letter. Toma. 
Were these fit words think you to be sent to any Citizens wife, to enjoy the Daughter, and love the mother too for a need? I would foully scorn that man, that should love me only for a need I tell you: and here the Knave writes again, that by the marriage of my Daughter, 'a has the better means and opportunity to myself, he lies in his Throat like a villain, he has no opportunity of me, for all that, 'tis for his betters to have opportunity of me, and that he shall well know— a base proud knave— a has forgot how he came up, & brought two of his country men to give their words to my husband for a suit of green Karsey, 'a has forgot all this, and how does he appear to me, when his white Satin suttes on, but like a maggot crept out of a Nutshell, a fair body and a foul neck, those parts that are covered of him, looks indifferent well, because we cannot see 'em else for all his cleansing, pruning and paring, he's not worthy a broker's Daughter, and so tell him.  Gri. 
I will indeed forsooth.  Toma. 
And as for my Child, I hope she'll be ruled in Time, though she be foolish yet & not be carried away with a cast of Manchets, a Bottle of wine, or a Custard, and so I pray certify him.  Grui. 
He do your errant effectually.  Toma. 
Art thou his aunt— or his—  Gri. 
Alas— I am a poor drudge of his.  Toma. 
Faith and thou wert his Mother, he would make thee his drudge I warrant him.  Gri. 
Marry out upon him, sir reverence of your mistress-ship  Tom. 
here's somewhat for thy pains, fare thee well.  Gri. 
'tis more than he gave me since I came to him.  Enter Quomodo and his Daughter Su. Quo. 
How now, what prating have we hear? whispers, dumbshows? why Tomazin, go too— my shop is not altogether so dark as some of my neighbours, where a man may be made Cuckold at one end, while he's measuring with his yard at tother.  Toma. 
Only commendations sent from Master Lethe your worshipful Son in law that should be.  Quo 
Oh, & that you like not he that can make us rich in custom, strong in friends, happy in suits, bring us into all the rooms a sundays, from the leads to the seller, pop us in with Venison till we crack again, & send home the rest in an honourable Napkin— this man you like not forsooth?  Su. 
But I like him father.  Qu. 
My blessing go with thy liking  Su. 
A number of our Citizens hold our credit by't to come home drunk, and say we ha' been at Court: then how much more credit is't to be drunk there indeed?  Quo. 
Tut, thy Mother's a fool— pray what's Master Rerage whom you plead for so?  Toma. 
Why, first he is a Gentleman.  Quo. 
ay, he's often first a Gentleman that's last a beggar.  Su. 
My father tells you true, what should I do with a gentleman, I know not which way to lie with him.  Quo. 
'tis true too— thou know'st beside, we undo Gentlemen daily  Toma. 
That makes so few of 'em marry with our Daughters, unless it be one green foot or other: next, M. Rerage has land & living, other but his walk i'th' street, & his snatching diet, he's able to entertain you in a fair house of his own, other in some nook or corner, or place us behind the cloth like a company of Puppets: at his house you shall be served curiously, sit down & eat your meat with leisure, there we must be glad to take it standing, & without either salt, cloth, or trencher, and say we are befriended too.  Quo. 
Oh, that gives a Citizen a better appetite than his Garden.  Su. 
So say I Father, methinks it does me most good when I take it standing, I know not how all women's minds are:  Enter Falslight. Quo. 
Faith I think they are all of thy mind for that thing, how now Falslight?  Falsl. 
I have descried my fellow Shortyard, alias Blastfield, at hand with the Gentleman.  Quo. 
Oh my sweet Shortyard!— Daughter, get you up to your Virginals: by your leave Mistress Quomodo.  Tom. 
Why I hope I may sit i'th' shop, may I not?  Quom. 
That you may, and welcome sweet honey-thigh, but not at this season, there's a Buck to be struck.  Toma. 
Well, since i'm so expressly forbidden, i'll watch above i'th' gallery, but i'll see your knavery.  Exit. Quom. 
Be you prepared as I tell you.  Falsl. 
You near feared me:  Exit. Quom. 
Oh that sweet, neat, comely, proper, delicate parcel of land, like a fine Gentlewoman i'th' waste: not so great as pretty, pretty: the Trees in Summer whistling, the silver waters by the Banks harmoniously gliding, I should have been a Scholar, an excellent place for a student: fit for my Son that lately commenced at Cambridge, whom now I have placed at Inns of Court: Thus we that seldom get Lands honestly, must leave our heirs to inherit our knavery: but whist, one turn about my shop and meet with 'em.  Enter Master Esay, with Shortyard, alias Blastfield. Easi. 
Is this it sir?  Short. 
ay, let me see, this is it: sign of three Knaves, 'tis it!  Quom. 
Do you hear sir, what lack you Gentlemen? see good kerseys or broad clothes here, I pray come near— Master Blastfield?  Short. 
I thought you would know me anon.  Quom. 
You're exceeding welcome to Town sir, your worship must pardon me, 'tis always misty weather in our shops here: we are a Nation the Sun here shines upon,— Came this Gentleman with you?  Short. 
O salute him fairly, he's a kind Gentleman, a very in ward of mine.  Quo. 
Then I cry you mercy sir, you're especially welcome.  Easi. 
I return you thanks sir.  Quo. 
But how shall I do for you now Master Blastfield?  Short. 
Why what's the matter?  Quo. 
It is my greatest affliction at this instant, I am not able to furnish you.  Short. 
How master Quomodo, pray say not so, sl'ud you undo me then.  Quo. 
Upon my Religion Master Blastfield, bonds lie forfeit in my hands, I expect the receipt of a thousand every hour, and cannot yet set eye of a penny.  Short. 
That's strange methinks.  Quo. 
'tis mine own pity that plots against me Master Blastfield, they know I have no conscience to take the for feature, and that makes 'em so bold with my mercy.  Easi. 
I am sorry for this.  Quo. 
Never the less, if I might entreat your delay but the age of three days to express my sorrow now, I would double the sum, and supply you with four or five hundred.  Short. 
Let me see,— three days.  Quo. 
I good sir, and it may be possible.  Easi. 
Do you hear Master Blastfield,  Short. 
Ha?  Easi. 
You know i've already invited all the Gallants to sup with me tonight.  Short. 
That's true i'faith.  Easi. 
'twill be my everlasting shame, if I have no money to maintain my bounty.  Short. 
I near thought upon that— I looked still when that should come from him, we have strictly examined our expenses, it must not be three days Master Quomodo.  Quo. 
No then i'm afraid 'twill be my grief sir.  Easi. 
Master Blastfield, i'll tell you what you may do now.  Sho. 
What good sweet bedfellow.  Eas. 
Send to Master Goome, or Master Profit, the Mercer and Goldsmith.  Sho. 
Mass that was well remembered of thee— I perceive the Trout will be a little troublesome ere he be catched— Boy. Boy. Here sir.  Sho. 
Run to Master Goome, or Master Profit, and carry my present occasion of money to 'em.  Boy. 
I run sir.  Quo. 
methinks Master Blastfield, you might easily attain to the satisfaction of 3. days, here's a Gentleman your friend I dare say will see you sufficiently possessed till then.  Eas. 
Not I sir, by no means: master Blastfield knows I'm further in want then himself, my hope rests all upon him, it stands upon the loss of my credit tonight, if I walk without money.  Sho. 
Why master Quomodo, what a fruitless Motion have you put forth, you might well assure yourself this gentleman had it not if I wanted it: why our purses are brothers we desire but equal fortunes: in a word we're man and wife, they can but lie together, and so do we.  Eas. 
As near as can be i'faith.  Sho. 
And to say truth, 'tis more for the continuing of this Gentleman's credit in Town than any incitement from mine own want only, that I covet to be so immediately furnished— you shall hear him confess as much himself.  Eas. 
'tis most certain master Quomodo.  Enter Boy. Sho. 
Oh here comes the Boy now: How now Boy, what says master Goome, or master Profit?  Boy. 
Sir, they're both walk forth this frosty morning to Brainford, to see a Nurse-child.  Sho. 
A Bastard be it, spite and shame.  Eas. 
Nay, never vex yourself sweet master Blastfield.  Sho. 
Bewitched I think.  Quo. 
Do you hear sir? you can persuade with him.  Eas. 
A little sir.  Quo. 
Rather than he should be altogether destitute, or be too much a vexation to himself, he shall take up a commodity of cloth of me tell him.  Eas. 
Why la! by my troth t' was kindly spoken.  Quo. 
Two hundred pounds worth upon my Religion say.  Sho. 
So disastrously.  Eas. 
Nay, master Blastfield, you do not hear what master Quomodo said since, like an honest true Citizen i'faith: rather than you should grow diseased upon't, you shall take up a commodity of two hundred pounds worth of cloth.  Sho. 
The mealy Moth consume it, would he hame turn peddler now? what should I do with cloth?  Quo. 
he's a very wilful Gentleman at this Time i'faith: he knows as well what to do with it, as I myself Iwis: there's no Merchant in Town but will be greedy upon't, and pay down money upo'th' nail, they'll dispatch it over to Middleborough presently, and raise double commodity by exchange, if not, you know 'tis term-time, and Michaelmas Term too, the draper's harvest, for footcloths, riding suits, walking suits, chamber gowns, and hall gowns.  Eas. 
Nay, I'll say that, it comes in as fit a time as can be.  Quo. 
Nay take me with you again ere you go sir, I offer him no trash tell him, but present money, say, where I know some Gentlemen in town ha' been glad, and are glad at this time, to take up commodities in Hawks hoods, and brown paper.  Eas. 
Oh horrible, are there such fools in town?  Quo. 
I offer him no trash tell him, upon my Religion you may say,— Now my sweet Shortyard,— now the hungry fish begins to nibble: one end of the worm is in his mouth i'faith.  Tomazin above. Tom. 
Why stand I here (as late our graceless Dames  
That found no eyes) to see that Gentleman  
Alive in state and credit executed  
Help to rip up himself does all he can,  
Why am I wife to him that is no man?  
I suffer in that Gentleman's confusion.  Eas. 
Nay be persuaded in that master Blastfield 'tis ready money at, the Merchants beside, the Winterseason and all falls in as pat as can be to help it.  Short. 
Well Master Esay, none but you could have persuaded me to that, come, would you would dispatch then Master Quomodo, where's this cloth?  Quo. 
Full and whole within, all of this piece of my Religion Master Blastfield, feel't, nay feel't and spare not, Gentlemen! your fingers and your judgement.  Short. 
Clothe's good.  Easi. 
By my troth exceeding good cloth, a good wale t'as,  Quo. 
Falslight.  Falsl. 
I'm near out ''the shop sir.  Quo. 
Go, call in a Porter presently to carry away the cloth with the Star mark, whither will you please to have it carried Master Blastfield?  Short. 
Faith to Master Beggar-land, he's the only Merchant now: or his Brother Master Stilliard-downe, there's little difference.  Quo. 
Y'ave happened upon the money men sir, they and some of their Brethren I can tell you, will not stick to offer thirty thousand pound to be cursed still, great moneyed men, their stocks lie in the Poors throats: but you'll see me sufficiently discharged Master Blastfield ere you depart.  Short. 
You have always found me righteous in that.  Quo. 
Falslight.  Falsl. 
Sir.  Quo. 
You may bring a Scrivener along with you.  Falsl. 
I'll remember that sir.  Quo. 
Have you sent for a Citizen Master Blastfield.  Short. 
No faith not yet— Boy!  Easi. 
What must you do with a Citizen sir?  Short. 
A custom they're bound to o'late by the default of still debtor, no Citizen must lend money without two be bound in the bond, the second Man enters but for custom sake.  Easi. 
No, and must he needs be a Citizen?  Short. 
Byth' mass stay, i'll learn that Master Quomodo!  Quo. 
Sir.  Short. 
Must the second party that enters into bond only for fashion's sake needs be a Citizen? what say you to this Gentleman for one?  Quomo. 
A lass sir, you know he's a mere stranger to me, I neither am sure of his going or abiding, he may Inn here tonight, and ride away tomorrow, (although I grant the chief burden lies upon you) yet we are bound to make choice of those we know sir.  Short. 
Why he's a Gentleman of a pretty living sir.  Quo. 
It may be so: yet under both your pardons I'd rather have a Citizen.  Easy. 
I hope you will not disparage me so? 'tis well known I have three hundred pound a year in Essex,  Short. 
Well said, to him thyself, take him up roundly.  Easy. 
And how doubtfully soe'er you account of me, I do not think but I might make my bond pass for a hundred pound i'th' City.  Quo. 
What alone sir?  Easi. 
Alone sir: who says so? perhaps i'd send down for a Tenant or too.  Quo. 
ay, that's another case sir.  Easy. 
Another case let it be then.  Quo. 
Nay, grow not into anger sir.  Easy. 
Not take me into a Bond, as good as you shall good man Goosecap.  Quo. 
Well Master Blastfield, because I will not disgrace the Gentleman, i'm content for once, but we must not make a practice on't.  Easi. 
No sir, now you would you shall not.  Quo. 
Cuds me, i'm undone, he's gone again.  Short. 
The Nets broke.  Toma. 
Hold there dear Gentleman.  Easy. 
Deny me that small courtesy? 'sfoot a very jew will not deny it me.  Short. 
Now must I catch him warily.  Easy. 
A jest indeed, not take me into a Bond quo they.  Short. 
Master Esay— Mark my words, if it stood not upon the eternal loss of thy credit against Supper—  Easy. 
Mass that's true.  Short. 
The pawning of thy horse for his own Victuals.  Eas. 
Right i'faith.  Sho. 
And thy utter dissolution amongst Gentlemen for ever.  Eas. 
Pox on't.  Sho. 
Quomodo should hang, rot, stink.  Quo. 
Sweet boy i'faith.  Sho. 
Drop Dam.  Quo. 
Excellent Shortyard.  Eas. 
I forgot all this: what meant I to swagger before I had money in my purse? how does master Quomodo? is the Bond ready?  Quo. 
Oh sir.  Enter Dustbox the Scrivener. Eas. 
Come we must be friends, here's my hand.  Quo. 
Give it the Scrivener: here he comes.  Dust. 
Good day Master Quomodo, good morrow Gentlemen.  Quo. 
We must require a little aid from your pen, good master Dustbox.  Dust. 
What be the gentlemen's names that are bound sir?  Quo. 
Master john Blastfield Esquire i'th' wild of Kent, and what do they call your bed fellows name?  Sho. 
Master Richard Esay: you may easily hit on't.  Quo. 
Master Richard Easy of Essex Gentleman, both bound to Ephestian Quomodo Citizen and Draper of London: the sum two hundred pound. What Time do you take master Blastfield for the payment?  Sho. 
I never pass my Month you know.  Quo. 
I know it sir. October sixteenth today, sixteenth of November say.  Eas. 
Is it your custom to return so soon sir?  Sho. 
I never miss you.  Enter Falslight like a Porter, sweating. Fals. 
I am come for the rest of the same price master Quomodo.  Quo. 
star-mark, this is it, are all the rest gone?  Fal. 
they're all at Master Stilyard downs by this time.  Eas. 
How the poor rascal's all in a froth?  Sho. 
Push, their ordained to sweat for Gentlemen,— Porters backs and women's bellies bear up the world.  Eas. 
'tis true i'faith, they bear men and money, and that's the world.  Sho. 
Ye'ave found it sir.  Dust. 
I'm ready to your hands Gentlemen.  Sho. 
Come Master Esay.  Eas. 
I beseech you sir.  Sho. 
It shall be yours I say.  Eas. 
Nay pray master Blastfield.  Sho. 
I will not i'faith.  Eas. 
What do you mean sir?  Sho. 
I should show little bringing up, to take the way of a stranger.  Eas. 
By my troth you do yourself wrong tho master Blastfield.  Sho. 
Not a whit sir.  Eas. 
But to avoid strife, you shall have your will of me for once.  Sho. 
Let it be so I pray.  Quo. 
Now I begin to set one foot upon the land, methinks I am felling of Trees already, we shall have some Essex Logs yet to keep Christmas with, and that's a comfort.  Toma. 
Now is he quarting out the Executioner.  
Strides over him: with his own blood he writes:  
I am no Dame that can endure such sights.  Exit. Sho. 
So his right wing is cut, will not fly far  
Past the two City hazards, Poultry, and Woodstreet.  Eas. 
How like you my Roman hand i'faith?  Dust. 
Exceeding well sir, but that you rest too much upon your R. and make your ease too little.  Eas. 
I'll mend that presently.  Dust. 
Nay 'tis done now, past mending: you both deliver this to master Quomodo as your deed?  Sho. 
We do sir.  Quo. 
I thank you Gentlemen,  Sho. 
Would the Coin would come away now, we have deserved for't  Enter Falslight with the cloth. Falsl. 
By your leave a little Gentlemen.  Sho. 
How now? what's the matter? speak?  Falsl. 
As fast as I can sir— All the clothes come back again.  Quo. 
How?  Sho. 
What's the news?  Falsl. 
The passage to Middle borrow is stopped, and therefore neither Master Stilliard-downe, nor Master Beggerland, nor any other Merchant will deliver present money upon't.  Quo. 
Why what hard luck have you Gentlemen?  Eas. 
Why Master Blastfield?  Sho. 
Pish—  Easi. 
You're so discontented too presently, a man cannot tell how to speak to you?  Sho. 
Why what would you say?  Ea. 
We must make some what on't now sir.  Sho. 
I where? how? the best is it lies all upon my neck, Master Quomodo, can you help me to any money for't? speak  Quo. 
Troth Master Blastfield, since myself is so unfurnished, I know not the means how, there's one i'th' street a new setter up, if any lay out money upon't 'twill be he.  Sho. 
His name:  Quo. 
Master Idem— but you know we cannot give but greatly to your loss, because we gain and live by't.  Sho. 
'sfoot will he give any thing.  Ea. 
ay, stand upon that.  Sho. 
Will he give any thing?— the Brokers will give nothing? to no purpose.  Quo. 
Falslight.  Falsl. 
Over your head sir.  Quo. 
Desire Master Idem to come presently and look upo'th' cloth.  Fals. 
I will sir.  Sho. 
What if he should offer but a hundred pound?  Eas. 
If he want twenty on't let's take it.  Sho. 
Say you so?  Ea. 
Master Quomodo we will have four or five hundred pound for you of his own within three or four days.  Sho. 
'tis true, he said so indeed.  Eas. 
Is That your wife master Quomodo?  Quo. 
That's she, little Tomazin?  Eas. 
Under your leave sir, i'll show myself a Gentleman.  Quo. 
Do, and welcome Master Esay.  Ea. 
I have commission for what I do Lady from your Husband.  Toma. 
You may have a stronger commission for the next, an't please you, that's from myself.  Enter Sim. Eas. 
You teach me the best law Lady.  Toma. 
Beshrew my blood, a proper, springful, and a sweet Gentleman.  Quo. 
My Son: Sim Quomodo? here's more work for you Master Esay, you must salute him too, for he's like to be heir of thy land I can tell thee.  Sim. 
Vim, vitam, sprinque salutem.  Quo. 
He shows you there he was a Cambridge man sir, but now he's a templar, has he not good grace to make a Lawyer?  Eas. 
A very good grace to make a Lawyer.  Sho. 
For indeed he has no grace at all.  Quo. 
Some gave me counsel to make him a Divine.  Eas. 
Fie, fie.  Quo. 
But some of our livery think it an unfit thing, that our own Sons should tell us of our vices: others, to make him a Physician, but then being my heir, i'm afraid he would make me away: now a Lawyer they're all willing too, because 'tis good for our trade and increaseth, the number of cloth-gowns, and indeed 'tis the fittest for a citizen's Son, for our word is, what do ye lack? and their word is what do you give.  Easi. 
Exceeding proper.  Enter Falsight for Master Idem. Quo. 
Master Idem welcome.  Fals. 
I have seen the cloth sir.  Quo. 
Very well.  Fals. 
I am but a young setter up, the uttermost I dare venture upon 'tis threescore pound.  Shs. 
What?  Falst. 
If it be for me, so, I am for it: if not, you have your doth and I have my money.  Easi. 
Nay, pray master Blastfield refuse not his kind offer.  Shs. 
A bargain than master Idem, clap hands— he's finely cheated: come, let's all to the next Tavern and see the money paid.  Eas. 
A match.  Quo. 
I follow you Gentlemen, take my Son along with you.  Exeunt. 
Now to my keys: i'm Master Idem, he must fetch the money, first have I caught him in a bond for two hundred pound, and my two hundred pounds worth a doath again for threescore pound: admire me all you students at inns for cozenage.  Exit. 
Finis Actus secundus.   

Incipit Actus Tertius.  Enter Lethe's pander, Helgill, the Countries wench coming in with a new fashion Gawne dressed Gentlewoman like, the tailor points it, and a Tyrewoman busy about her head. Helg. 
You talk of an alteration, here's the thing itself, what base birth does not raiment make glorious? and what glorious births do not rags make infamous? why should not a woman confess what she is now? since the finest are but deluding shadows, begot between Tire-women and Tailors? for instance, behold their Parents.  Com. 
Say what you will, this wire becomes you best, how say you tailor?  Tayl. 
I promise you 'tis a wire would draw me from my work seven days a week.  Curt. 
Why do you work a sundays tailor?  Taylor. 
Hardest of all a sunday, because we are most forbidden  Curt. 
Troth and so do most of us women, the better day the better deed we think.  Com. 
Excellent exceeding i'faith, a narrow card wire sets out a cheek so fat and so full, and if you be ruled by me, you shall wear your hair still like a Mock-face behind, 'tis such an Italian world, many men know not Before from Behind.  Tayl. 
How like you the fitting of this gown now Mistress Comings?  Com. 
It sits at marvelous good Ease, and comely discretion.  Helg. 
Who would think now this fine Sophisticated squall came out of the Bosom of a barn, and the loins of a Haytosser.  Curt. 
Out you saucy pestiferous Pander, I scorn that i'faith.  Helg. 
Excellent, already the true phrase and style of a strumpet, stay, a little more of the red, and then I take my leave of your Cheek for four & twenty hours— Do you not think it impossible that her own Father should know her now, if he saw her?  Curt. 
Why I think no less, how can he know me, when I scarce know myself.  Helg: 
'tis right.  Curt. 
But so well you lay wait for a man for me.  Helg. 
I protest I have bestowed much labour about it, and in fit Time, good news I hope.  Enter one bringing in her Father in disguise to serve her. 
1 I've found one yet at last, in whose preferment I hope to reap credit.  Curt. 
Is that the fellow?  
1 Lady it is.  Curt. 
Art thou willing to serve me fellow?  Fath. 
So please you, he that has not the heart to serve such a Mistress as your beautiful self, deserves to be honoured for a fool, or Knighted for a Coward.  Curtiz. 
There's to many of them already.  Fath. 
'twere sin then to raise the number.  Curt. 
Well, we'll try both our likings for a month, and then either proceed, or let fall the suit.  Fath. 
Be it as you have spoke, but 'tis my hope A longer Term.  Curt. 
No truly, our Term ends once a month, we should get more than the Lawyers, for they have but four Terms a year, and we have twelve, & that makes 'em run so fast to us in the Vacation.  Fath. 
A mistress of of a choice beauty, amongst such imperfect creatures I ha' not seen a perfecter: I should have reckoned the fortunes of my Daughter amongst the happiest, had she lighted into such a service, whereas now I rest doubt full, whom or where she serves.  Curt. 
There's for your bodily advice tailor, and there's for your head-counsel, and I discharge you both till to morrow morning again.  Tay. 
At which time our neatest Attendance.  Coin. 
I pray have an especial care howsoever you stand or lie, that nothing fall upon your hair to batter your wire.  Exeunt Curt. 
I warrant you for that— which Gown becomes me best now, the purple Satin or this?  Helg. 
If my opinion might rule over you—  Enter Lethe with Rerage and Salewood. Leth. 
Come gallants, i'll bring you to a Beauty shall strike your eyes into your hearts, what you see you shall desire, yet never enjoy.  Rer. 
And that's a Villainous torment.  Sale. 
And is she but your underput Master Lethe?  Leth. 
No more of my credit, and a Gentlewoman of a great house, Noble parentage, unmatchable Education, my plain Pung. I may, grace her with the name of a Courtesan, a Backslider, a Prostitution, or such a Toy, but when all comes to all 'tis but a plain Pung, look you Gentlemen, that's she, behold her.  Curt. 
Oh my beloved strayer! I consume in thy absence.  Leth. 
La you now— you shall not say i'll be proud to you Gentlemen, I give you leave to salute her, I me afraid of nothing now, but that she'll utterly disgrace 'em, turn tail to 'em, and place their kisses behind her, no by my faith, she deceives me, by my troth she's kissed am both with her lips: I thank you for that music masters, 'slid they both court her at once, and see if she ha' not the wit to stand still and let 'em: I think if two men were brewed into one, there is that woman would drink 'em up both.  Rerg. 
A Coxcomb, he a Courtier.  Curt. 
He says he has a place there.  Sale. 
So has the Fool a better place than he, and can come where he dare not show his head.  Leth. 
Nay, he are you me Gentlemen.  Sale. 
I protest you were the last man we spoke on, we're a little busy yet, pray stay there a while, we'll come to you presently.  Leth. 
This is good i'faith, endure this and be a slave forever, since you neither savour of good breeding nor bringing up, I'll slice your hamstrings but i'll make you show mannerly— pox on you, leave courting, I ha' not the heart to hurt an Englishman i'faith, or else—  Sale. 
What else?  Leth. 
Prithee let's be merry, nothing else— here, fetch some wine.  Curt. 
Let my Servant go for't.  Let. 
yours, which is he?  Sho. 
This sir, but I scarce like my Mistress now: the loins can near be safe where the Flies be so busy— Wit by experience bought foils wit at School: Who proves a deeper knave than a Spent fool, I am gone for your worship's wine sir.  Helg. 
Sir, you put up too much indignity, bring company to cut your own throat, the fire is not yet so hot, that you need two Screens before it, 'tis but new kindled yet, if 'twere risse to a flame, I could not blame you then to put others before you but alas all the heat yet is comfortable a cherisher, not a defacer.  Let. 
prithee let 'em alone, they'll be ashamed o't anon I trow, if they have any grace in 'em.  Helg. 
I'd fain have him quarrel, fight, and be assuredly killed, that I might beg his place: for there's near a one void yet.  Enter Shortyard with Esay. Curt. 
You'll make him mad anon.  Sale. 
'tis to that end.  Sho. 
Yet at last, Master Quomodo is as firm as his promise.  Eas. 
Did I not tell you still he would.  Sho. 
Let me see, I am seven hundred pound in bond now to the Rascal.  Eas. 
Nay you're no less Master Blastfield, look to't, by my troth, I must needs confess sir, you ha' been uncommonly kind to me, since I ha' been in Town, but master Alsup shall know on't.  Sho. 
That's my Ambition sir.  Eas. 
I beseech you sir. Stay, this is Lethe's haunt, see, we have catched him.  Leth. 
Master Blastfield and Master Esay, you're kind Gentlemen both.  Sho. 
Is that the beauty you famed so?  Leeh. 
The same.  Sho. 
Who be those so industrious about her?  Let. 
Rerage and Salewood: I'll tell you the unmannerliest trick of 'em, that ever you heard in your life.  Sho. 
Prithee what's that?  Leth. 
I invited 'em hither to look upon her, brought 'em along with me, gave 'em leave to salute her in kindness, what do they but most saucily fall in love with her, very impudently court her for themselves, and like two crafty Attorneys, finding a hole in my lease, go about to defeat me of my right.  Sho. 
ha' they so little conscience?  Leth. 
The most uncivil'st part that you have seen, I know they'll be sorry for't when they have done, for there's no man but gives a sigh after his sin of women, I know it by myself.  Sho. 
You parcel of a rude, saucy and unmannerly nation.  Lethe. 
One good thing in him, he'll tell 'em on't roundly.  Sho. 
Cannot a Gentleman purchase a little fire to thaw his appetite by, but must you that have been daily singed in the flame, be as greedy to beguile him on't? how can it appear in you but maliciously, and that you go about to engross hell to yourselves? heaven forbid, that you should not suffer a stranger to come in, the Devil himself is not so unmannerly, I do not think but some of them rather will be wise enough to beg Offices there before you, and keep you out, marry all the spite will be they cannot sell 'em again.  Eas. 
Come, are you not to blame— not to give place?— To us I mean—  Let. 
A worse and a worse disgrace.  Cur. 
Nay Gentlemen, you wrong us both then, stand from me, I protest i'll draw my silver Bodkin upon you.  Sho. 
Clubs, clubs,— Gentlemen stand upon your Guard.  Curt. 
A Gentlewoman must swagger a little now and then I perceive, there would be no civility in her Chamber else, though it be my hard fortune to have my keeper there a coward, the thing that's kept is a Gentlewoman borne.  Sho. 
And to conclude a Coward, infallible of your side, why do you think i'faith I took you to be a Coward? do I think you'll turn your back to any man living? you'll be whipped first.  Eas. 
And then indeed she turns her back to some man living.  Sho. 
But that man shows himself a Knave, for he dares not show his own face when he does it, for some of the common Counsel in Henry the eights days thought it modesty at that time, that one vizard should look upon another.  Easi. 
'twas honestly considered of 'em i'faith.  Enter Mother Gruill. Sho. 
How now? what piece of stuff comes here?  Leth. 
Now some good news yet to recover my Repute, and grace me in this company; Gentlemen, are we friends among ourselves?  Sho. 
united.  Leth. 
Then here comes Revish to confirm our Amity— Wag-tail, salute them all they are friends.  Curt. 
Then saving my quarrel to you all.  Sho. 
Toe's all  Curt. 
Now be shrew your hearts, and you do not.  Sho. 
To sweet Master Lethe.  Let. 
Let it flow this way dear Master Blastfield, Gentlemen to you all.  Sho. 
This Rhenish wine is like the scouring-stick to a gun, it makes the Barrel clear: it has an excellent virtue, it keeps all the Sinks in man and woman's body sweet in june and july, and to say truth, if Ditches were not cast once a year, and Drabs once a Month, there would be no abiding i'th' City.  Let. 
Gentlemen, i'll make you privy to a letter I sent.  Sho. 
A letter comes well after privy, it makes amends.  Let. 
There's one Quomodo, a draper's Daughter in town whom for her happy portion I wealthily affect.  Rer. 
And not for love? this makes for me his Rival, bear witness.  Leth. 
The Father does elect me for the man, The Daughter says the same.  Sho. 
Are you not well?  Le. 
Yes all but for the mother, she's my sickness.  Sho. 
by’r lady and the Mother is a pestilent, wilful, troublesome sickness I can tell you, if she light upon you handsomely.  Let. 
I find it so: she for a stranger pleads: Whose name I ha' not learned.  Rer. 
And e'en now he called me by it.  Let. 
Now as my letter told her, since only her consent kept aloof of, what might I think on't, but that she merely doted upon me herself.  Sho. 
Very assuredly.  Salt. 
This makes still for you.  Sho. 
Did you let it go so i'faith?  Leth. 
You may believe it sir, now what says her answer?  Sho. 
ay, her answer.  Gruil. 
She says you're a base proud knave, and like your worship.  Leth. 
How?  Sho. 
Nay, hear out her answer, or there's no goodness in you.  Grui. 
You ha' forgot she says in what pickle your worship came up, and brought two of your friends to give their words for a suit of green kersey.  Leth. 
Drudge, peace, or—  Sho. 
Show yourself a Gentleman, she had the patience to read your letter which was as bad as this can be, what will she think on't, not hear her answer? speak, good his drudge.  Guil. 
And as for her Daughter, she hopes she'll be ruled by her in time, and not be carried away with a cast of Manchets, a bottle of Wine, and a Custard, which once made her Daughter sick, because you came by it with a bad conscience.  Let. 
Gentlemen, i'm all in a sweat.  Sho. 
That's very wholesome for your body, nay you must keep in your arms.  Gru. 
Then she demanded of me whether I was your worship's aunt or no?  Let. 
Out, out, out, Gru. Alas said I, I am a poor drudge of his.  
Faith and thou wert his Mother (quoth she) heed make thee his Drudge I warrant him—  
Marry out upon him (quoth I) an't like your worship.  Leth. 
Horror, horror, i'm smothered, let me go, torment me not.  Exit. Sho. 
And you love me, let's follow him Gentlemen.  All. 
Agreed.  Exeunt Sho. 
I count a hundred pound well spent to pursue a good jest Master Esay.  Easi. 
By my troth I begin to bear that mind too.  Sho. 
Well said i'faith, hang money-good jests are worth silver at all times.  Eas. 
They're worth gold Master Blastfield.  Exeunt. Curt. 
Do you deceive me so? are you toward marriage i'faith Master Lethe it shall go hard but i'll forbid the Banes, i'll send a messenger into your bones, another into your purse but I'll do't.  Exit. Fath. 
Thou fair and wicked Creature, steeped in Art,  
Beauteous and fresh, the soul the foulest part.  
A common Filth, is like a House possessed,  
Where if not spoiled, you'll come out frayed at least,  
This service likes not me, though I rest poor,  
I hate the basest use to screen a whore.  
The humane stroke near made him, he that can  
Be Bawd to Woman, never leapt from man.  
Some monster won his Mother,  
I wished my poor child hither, doubled wrong,  
A month and such, a mistress were too long,  
Yet here a while in others lives i'll see,  
How former follies, did appear in me.  Exit. Enter easy with Shortyards Boy. Eas. 
Boy.  Boy. 
Anon sir.  Eas. 
Where left you Master Blastfield your master, say you?  Boy. 
An hour since I left him in Paul's sir— but you'll not find him the same man again next time you meet him.  Eas. 
Methinks I have no being without his company 'tis so full of kindness and delight, I hold him to be the only Companion in earth.  Boy. 
ay, as Companions go now adays that help to spend a man's money.  Eas. 
So full of nimble wit, various discourse, pregnant apprehension, and uncommon entertainment, he might keep Company with any Lord for his grace.  Boy. 
ay, with any Lord that were past it.  Eas. 
And such a good free hearted honest, affable kind of Gentleman: Come Boy a heaviness will possess me till I see him.  Exit. Boy. 
But you'll find yourself heavier then, by a seven hundred pound weight,— Alas poor Birds that cannot keep the sweet Country, where they sly at pleasure, but must needs come to London to have their wings clipped, and are feign to go hopping home again.  Exit. Enter Shortyard and Falslight like a sergeant and a Yeoman to arrest easy. Sho. 
So, No man is so impudent to deny that— Spirits can change their shapes, and soonest of all into sergeant: because they are Cousin germane to spirits, for there's but two kind of arrests till Doomsday, the Devil for the soul, the Sergeant for the body, but afterward the devil arrests body and soul Sergeant & all, if they be knaves still, and deserve it, now my yeoman Falslight.  Fals. 
I Attend you good sergeant Shortyard.  Shor. 
No more master Blastfield now— poor Esay hardly be set.  Falsl. 
But how if he should go to prison, were in a mad state then, being not sergeant.  Sho. 
Never let it come near thy believe that he'll take prison, or stand out in law, knowing the debt to be due, but still expect the presence of Master Blastfield, kind M. Blastfield, worshipful M Blastfield— and at the last—  Boy. 
Master Shortyard, master Falslight.  Sho. 
The Boy: a warning-piece,— see where he comes.  Enter easy with the Boy. Eas. 
Is not in Paul's.  Boy. 
He is not far off sure sir.  Eas. 
When was his hour sayst thou?  Boy. 
Two sir.  Eas. 
Why two has struck.  Boy. 
No sir, they are now a striking.  Sho. 
Master Richard Easy of Essex we arrest you.  Eas. 
Ha?  Boy. 
Alas a Surgeon, he's hurt i'th' shoulder.  Sho. 
Deliver your weapons quietly sir.  Eas. 
Why what's the matter?  Sho. 
You're arrested at the suit of M. Quomodo.  Eas. 
Master Quomodo?  Sho. 
How strange you make it, you're a landed Gentleman sir, I knew 'tis but a trifle, a bond of seven hundred pound.  Eas. 
La, I know you had mistook, you should arrest One Master Blastfield, 'tis his bond, his debt.  Sho. 
Is not your name there?  Eas. 
True, for fashion's sake.  Sho. 
Why and 'tis for fashion's sake that we arrest you.  Eas. 
Nay, & it be no more, I yield to that: I know Master Blastfield will see me take no injury as long as i'm in town, for Master Alsup's sake.  Sho. 
whose's that Sir?  Eas. 
An honest Gentleman in Essex.  Sho. 
Oh, In Essex! I thought you had been in London, where now your business lies, honesty from Essex will be a great while a coming sir, you should look out an honest pair of Citizens.  Eas. 
Alas sir, I know not where to find 'em.  Sho. 
No, there's enough in Town.  Easi. 
I know not one by my troth, I am a mere stranger for these parts, Master Quomodo is all, and the honestest that I know.  Sho. 
To him then let's set forward:— Yeoman Spiderman, cast an eye about for Master Blastfield.  Eas. 
Boy— Alas the poor boy was frighted away at first.  Sho. 
Can you blame him sir— we that daily fray away knights, may fright away Boys I hope.  Exeunt. Enter Quomodo with the Boy. Quo. 
Ha? have they him sayst thou?  Boy. 
As sure as—  Quo. 
The land's mine, that's sure enough boy.  
Let me advance thee knave, and give thee a kiss,  
My plot's so firm I dare it now to miss.  
Now shall I be divulged a landed man,  
Throughout the livery:— one points, another whispers,  
A third frets inwardly: let him fret and hang,  
Especially his envy I shall have,  
That would be feign, yet cannot be a knave,  
Like an old leather girt in furred Gown,  
Whose mind stands stiff but his performance down.  
Now come my golden days in:— whither is the worshipful  
master Quomodo, and his fair Bedfellow rid forth,  
To his land in Essex? whence comes those goodly load of  
Logs? from his land in Essex? where grows this pleasant  
fruit, says one citizen's wife in the row; at master Quomodo's  
Orchard in Essex; oh, oh, does it so, I thank you for  
that good news i'faith.  Boy. 
Here they come with him sir.  Quo. 
Grant me patience in my joys, that being so great I run not mad with 'em.  Sho. 
Bless master Quomodo.  Quo. 
How now sergeant? who ha' you brought me here, master Esay?  Eas. 
Why la you now sergeant, did I not tell you you mistook?  Quo. 
Did you not hear me say. I had rather ha' had master Blastfield, the more sufficient man a great deal?  Sho. 
Very true sir,— but this Gentleman lighting into our hands first—  Quo. 
Why did you so sir?  Sho. 
we thought good to make use of that opportunity, and hold him fast.  Quo. 
You did well in that I must needs say, for your own securities, but 'twas not my mind master Esay to have you first, you must needs think so.  Eas. 
I dare swear that master Quomodo.  Quo. 
But since you are come to me, I have no reason to refuse you, I should show little manners in that sir.  Eas. 
But I hope you spoke not in that sense sir, to impose the bond upon me.  Quo. 
By my troth that's my meaning sir, you shall find me an honest man, you see I mean what I say, is not the day past, the money untendered, you'd ha' me live uprightly master Esay?  Eas. 
Why sir, you know master Blastfield is the man.  Quo. 
Why sir, I know master Blastfield is the man, but is he any more than one man? two entered into bond to me, or I'm foully cozened.  Eas. 
You know my entrance was but for fashion sake.  Quo. 
Why, i'll agree to you, you'll grant 'tis the fashion likewise when the Bond's due to have the money paid again.  Sho. 
So we told him sir, and that it lay in your worship's courtesy to arrest which you please.  Quo. 
marry does it sir, these fellows know the law,— beside, you offered yourself into Bond to me you know, when I had no stomach to you, now beshrew your heart for your labour, I might ha' had a good substantial Citizen, that would ha' paid the sum roundly, although I think you sufficient enough for seven hundred pound, beside the forfeiture, I would be loath to disgrace you so much before sergeant.  Eas. 
If you would hath patience sir, I do not think but master Blasefield is at Carriers to receive the money.  Quo. 
He will prove the honester man then, & you the better discharged, I wonder he should break with me, 'twas never his practice, you must not be angry with me now, though you were somewhat hot when you entered into Bond, you may easily go in angrily, but you cannot come out so.  Eas. 
No, the Devils in't for that.  Sho. 
Do you here sir, a my troth we pity you, ha' you any store of Crowns about you?  Eas. 
Faith a poor store, yet they shall be at their service that will strive to do me good,— we were both drunk last night, and near thought upon the bond.  Sho. 
I must tell you this, you have fallen in to the hands of a most merciless devourer, the very gull a'the city, should you offer him money, Goods or lands now, he'd rather have your body in prison, he's a such a nature. Eas. Prison we're undone then.  Sho. 
he's a such a nature, look?— Let him owe any man a spite! what's his course: he will lend him money today, a purpose to rest him tomorrow.  Eas. 
Defend me?  Sho. 
Has at least sixteen at this instant proceeded in both the Counters: some bachelor, some masters, some doctors of captivity of 20. years standing and he desires nothing more than imprisonment.  Eas. 
Would Ma. Blastfield would come away.  Sho. 
ay, than things would not be as they are— what will you say to us if we procure you two substantial subsidy Citizens to bail you spite on's heart, and set you at liberty to find out master Blastfield.  Eas. 
Serjeant! here, take all, i'll be dear to you, do but perform it.  Sho. 
Much.  Fals. 
Enough sweet Sergeant, I hope I understand thee.  Sho. 
I love to prevent the malice of such a rascal, perhaps you might find master Blastfield tonight.  Eas. 
Why, we lie together man, there's the jest on't.  Sho. 
Fie.— and you'll seek to secure your bail, because they will be two Citizens of good account, you must do that for your credit's sake.  Eas. 
I'll be bound to save them harmless.  Sho. 
A pox on him, you cut his throat then,— no words.  Eas. 
What's it you require me master Quomodo?  Quo. 
You know that before this time I hope sir, present money, or present imprisonment.  Sho. 
I told you so.  Eas. 
We near had money of you.  Quo. 
You had commodities, an't please you  Eas. 
Well, may I not crave so much liberty upon my word, to seek out master Blastfield?  Quo. 
Yes, and you would not laugh at me: we are sometimes Gulls to Gentlemen, I thank 'em; but Gentlemen are never Gulls to us, I commend 'em.  Sho. 
Under your leave master Quomodo, the Gentleman craves the furtherance of an hour, and it sorts well with our occasion at this time, having a little urgent business at Guildhall, at which minute we'll return, and see what agreement is made.  Quo. 
Nay take him along with you Sergeant.  Eas. 
I'm undone then.  Sho. 
he's your prisoner; and being safe in your house at your own disposing, you cannot deny him such a request: beside, he hath a little faith in Ma. Blastfield's coming sir.  Quo. 
Let me not be too long delayed I charge you.  Eas. 
Not an hour i'faith sir.  Exeunt. Quo. 
O master Esay, of all men living I never dream you would ha' done me this injury: make me would my credit, fail in my commodities, ring my state into suspicion: for the breaking of your day to me, has broken my day to others.  Eas. 
You tell me of that still, which is no fault of mine master Quomodo.  Quo. 
Oh what's a man but his honesty master Esay, and that's a fault amongst most of us all,— Mark but this note, I'll give you good counsel now,— as often as you give your name to a bond, you must think you christian a child, and take the charge on't too: for as the one, the bigger it grows the more cost it requires: so the other the longer it lies, the more charges it puts you too, only here's the difference a child must be broke, and a bond must not, the more you break children, the more you keep 'em under: but the more you break bonds, the more they'll leap in your face, and therefore, to conclude, I would never undertake to be Gossip to that bond which I would not see well brought up.  Eas. 
Say you so sir?— I'll think upon your counsel hereafter for't.  Quo. 
Ah fool, thou shouldest near ha' tasted such wit but that I know 'tis too late.  Tom. 
The more I grieve:  Quo. 
To put all this into the compass of a little hoop Ring  
Make this account, come better days or worse,  
So many bonds abroad, so many boys at nurse.  Eas. 
A good medicine for a short memory:— but since, you have entered so far, whose children are desperate depts I pray?  Quo. 
Faith they are like the offsprings of stolen lust, put to the hospital, their fathers are not to be found, they are either too far abroad, or too close within, and thus for your memory's sake.  
The desperate Debtor hence derives his name,  
One that has neither money, land nor fame,  
All that he makes, prove Bastards, and not Bonds,  
But such as yours, at first are borne to lands.  Eas. 
But all that I beget hereafter I'll so one disinherit Master Quomodo.  Quo. 
In the mean time here's a shrewd knave will disinherit you.  Eas. 
Well, to put you out of all doubt Master Quomodo, i'll not trust to your courtesy, I ha' sent for bail.  Quo. 
How? you'ave cozened me there i'faith.  Eas. 
Since the worst comes to the worst, I have those friends i'th' City, I hope that will not suffer me to lie for seven hundred pound.  Quo. 
And you told me you had no friends here at all, how should a man trust you now?  Eas. 
That was but to try your Courtesy M. Quomodo.  Quo. 
How unconscionably he gulls himself— they must be wealthy subsidy-men sir, at least forty pound i'th' Kings Books I can tell you, that do such a feat for you.  Enter Shortyard and Falslight, like wealthy Citizens in Satin suits. Eas. 
Here they come whatsoe'er they are.  Quo. 
by’r lady Alderman's Deputies, I am very sorry for you sir, I cannot refuse such men.  Sho. 
Are you the Gentleman in distress?  Eas. 
None more than myself sir.  Quo. 
He speaks truer than he thinks, for if he knew, The hearts that owe those faces— a dark shop's good for somewhat.  Eas. 
That was all sir.  Shor. 
And that's enough, for by that means you have made yourself liable to the Bond, as well as that Basefield  Eas. 
Blastfield sir.  Sho. 
Oh cry you mercy 'tis Blastfield indeed.  Eas. 
But under both your worship's favours I know where to find him presently.  Sho. 
That's all your refuge.  Boy. 
News, good news Master Esay.  Eas. 
What boy?  Boy. 
Master Blastfield my master has received a thousand pound, and will be at his lodging at supper.  Easy. 
happy news, hear you that Master Quomodo?  Quo. 
'tis enough for you to hear that, you're the fortunate man sir.  Eas. 
Not now I beseech your good worships.  Sho. 
Gentleman, what's your other name?  Eas. 
Easy.  Sho. 
O Master Esay— I would we could rather pleasure you otherwise Master Esay, you should soon perceive it, i'll speak a proud word we have pitied more Gentlemen in distress, than any two Citizens within the freedom— but to be bail to seven hundred pound action, is a matter of shroud weight.  Eas. 
I'll be bound to secure you.  Shor. 
Tut, what's your bond sir?  Eas. 
Body, goods, and Lands, immediately before Master Quomodo.  Sho. 
Shall we venture once again, that have been so often undone by Gentlemen?  Fal. 
I have no great stomach to't, it will appear in us more pity than wisdom.  Eas. 
Why should you say so sir?  Sho. 
I like the Gentleman's face well, he does not look as if he would deceive us.  Eas. 
O not I sir.  Sho. 
Come we'll make a desperate voyage once again, we'll try his honesty, and take his single bond, of body Goods and Lands.  Eas. 
I dearly thank you sir.  Sho. 
Master Quomodo?  Quo. 
Your worships.  Shortyard. 
We have took a Course to set your prisoner free.  Quo. 
Your worships are good bail you content me.  Sho. 
Come then, and be a witness to a Recullisance.  Quo. 
With all my heart sir.  Sho. 
Master Esay, you must have an especial care now to find out that Blastfield.  Eas. 
I shall have him at my lodging sir.  Sho. 
The suit will be followed against you else, Master Quomodo will come upon us, and forsake you.  Eas. 
I know that sir.  Sho. 
Well since I see you have such a good mind to be honest, I'll leave some greater affairs, and sweat with you to find him myself.  Eas. 
hear then my misery ends. A stranger's kindness oft exceeds a friend's.  Exeunt. Toma. 
Thou art deceived thy misery but begins,  
"To beguile goodness, is the core of sins.  
My love is such unto thee, that I die  
As often as thou drinkest up injury,  
Yet have no means to warn thee from't, for he  
" That sows in Craft, does rape in jealousy.  Rerrage. 
Now the letters made up and all, it wants but the print of a seal, and away it goes to Master Quomodo: Andrew Lethe is well whipped in't, his name stands in a white sheet here, and do penance for him.  Sale. 
You have shame enough against him, if that be good.  Rer. 
First as a contempt of that reverend Ceremony, he has in hand, to wit, marriage.  Sale. 
Why do you say to wit marriage, when you know there's none will marry that's wise.  Rer. 
Had it not more need then, to have wit to put to't if it be grown to a Folly?  Sale. 
Y'ave wpm, I'll give't you.  Rerag. 
'tis no thanks now,— but as I was saying: as a soul contempt to that sacred ceremony, he most audaciously keeps a Drab in town, and to be free from the interruption of blue Beadles, and other bawdy Officers, he most politicly lodges her in a Constable's house.  Sale. 
That's a pretty point i'faith.  Rer. 
And so the watch that should fetch her out, are her chiefest guard to keep her in.  Sale. 
It must needs be for look how the Constable plays his Conscience, the watchmen will follow the suit.  Rer. 
Why well then.  Enter easy with Shortyard like a Citizen. Eas. 
All night from me he's hurt, he's made away.  Sho. 
Where shall we seek him now? you lead me fair daunt's sir.  Eas. 
Pray keep a little patience sir, I shall find him at last you shall see.  Sho. 
A Citizen of my ease and substance to walk so long a foot.  Eas. 
You should ha' had my horse but that he has eaten out his head sir.  Sho. 
How would you had me hold him by the tail sir then?  Eas. 
Manners forbid, 'tis no part of my meaning sir,— oh here's Master Rerage, and Master Salewood, now we shall hear of him presently:— Gentlemen both.  Sale. 
Master Esay, how fare you sir?  Eas. 
Very well in health, did you see Master Blastfield this morning?  Sale. 
I was about to move it to you.  Rer. 
We were all three in a mind then.  Sale. 
I ha' not set eye on him these two days.  Rer. 
I wonder he keeps so long from us i'faith.  Eas. 
I began to be sick.  Sal. 
Why, what's the matter?  Eas. 
Nothing in troth, but a great desire I had to have seen him.  Rer. 
I wonder you should miss on't lately, you're his bedfellow  Eas. 
I lay alone tonight i'faith,— I do not know how, O here comes master Lethe, he can dispatch me: Master Lethe!  Leth. 
What's your name sir?— O cry you mercy master Esay.  Eas. 
When parted you from master Blastfield sir?  Leth. 
Blastfield's an Ass, I have sought him these two days to beat him.  Eas. 
yourself all alone sir?  Leth. 
ay, and three more.—  Exit. Sho. 
I am glad, I am where I am then, I perceive 'twas time of all hands.  Rer. 
Content i'faith, let's trace him.  Exount after Lethe. Sho. 
What? have you found him yet? neither? what's to be done now? i'll venture my body no further for any Gentleman's pleasure, I know not how soon I may be called upon, and now to overheat myself.—  Eas. 
I'm undone.  Sho. 
This is you that slept with him, you can make fools of us, but i'll turn you over to Quomodo for't.  Eas. 
Good sir.  Sho. 
I'll prevent mine own danger.  Eas. 
I beseech you sir.  Sho. 
Though I love Gentlemen well, I do not mean to be undone for 'em.  Eas. 
Pray sir, let me request you sir, sweet sir, I beseech you sir.  Exeunt. Music. 
Finit Actus tertius.   

Incipit quartus.  Enter Quomodo, his disguised spirits, after whom Esay follows hard. Sho. 
Made fools of us! not to be found!  Quo. 
What, what?  Eas. 
Do not undo me quite though Ma Quomodo.  Quo. 
You're very welcome, master Esay, I ha' nothing to say to you, i'll not touch you, you may go when you please,— I have good bail here I thank their worships.  Eas. 
What shall I say, or whom shall I beseech?  Sho. 
Gentlemen, 'Slid they were borne to undo us I think, but for my part, I'll make an oath before master Quomodo here, near to do Gentlemen good while I live.  Fals. 
I'll not be long behind you.  Sho. 
Away; if you had any grace in you, you would be ashamed to look us i'th' face, iwis I wonder with what brow you can come amongst us, I should seek my fortunes far enough if I were you, and neither return to Essex, to be a shame to my predecessors, nor remain about London, to be a mock to my successors.  Quo. 
Subtle Shortyard!  Sho. 
Here are his lands forfeited to us master Quomodo, and to avoid the inconscionable trouble of law, all the assistance he made to us, we willingly resign to you.  Quo. 
What shall I do with Rubbish, give me money: 'tis for your worships to have land, that keep great houses, I should be hoisted.  Sho. 
But master Quomodo, if you would but conceive it aright, the land would fall fitter to you then to us.  Eas. 
Curtzing about my land.  Sho. 
You have a towardly son and heir as we hear.  Quo. 
I must needs say, he is a templar indeed.  Sho. 
We have neither posterity in Town nor hope for any abroad; we have wives, but the marks have been out of their mouths these twenty years, and as it appears, they did little good when they were in: we could not stand about it sir, to get riches and children too, 'tis more than one man can do. And I am of those citizens' minds that say, let our wives make shift for children and they will, they get none of us; and I cannot think, but he that has both much wealth and many children, has had more helps coming in then himself.  Quo. 
I am not a Bow wide of your mind sir.— And for the thirsty and covetous hopes I have in my son and heir Sim Quomodo, that he will never trust his land in Wax and Parchment as many Gentlemen have done before him.  Eas. 
All y-blow for me.  Quo. 
I will honestly discharge you, and receive it in due form and order of law, to strengthen it for ever to my son and heir, that he may undoubtedly enter upon't without the let or molestation of any man, at his or our pleasure whensoever.  Sho. 
'tis so assured unto you.  Quo. 
Why then master Basie you're a freeman sir, you may deal in what you please, and go whether you will. Why Tomazin, master Esay is come from Essex, bid him welcome in a cup of small Bear.  Tom. 
Not only wild, but in it tyrannous.  Quom. 
If it please you sir, you know the house, you may visit us often, and dine with us once a quarter.  Eas. 
Confusion light on you, your wealth and heir,  
Worm gnaw your conscience, as the Moth your ware,  
I am not the first heir that robbed, or begged.  Exit. Quo. 
Excellent excellent, sweet Spirits.  Sho. 
Landed master Quomodo.  Quo. 
Delicate shortyard, commodious Falslight,  
Hug and away, shift, shift.  
'tis slight, not strength that gives the greatest lift.  
Now my desires are full— for this time,  
Men may have Cormorant wishes, but alas  
A little thing three hundred pound a year,  
Suffices nature, keeps life and soul together,  
I'll have 'em kept immediately.  
I long to warm myself byth' wood,— A fine journey in the Whitsun-holy days i'faith, to ride down with a number of Citizens, and their wives, some upon pillions, some upon Side saddles, ay, and little Tomazin i'th' middle our some and heir Sim Quomodo in a peach colour Taffeta Jacket, some horses length, or a long yard before us, there will be a fine show on's I can tell you, where we Citizens will laugh, and lie down get all our wives with child against a bank and get up again,— stay, ha hast thou that wit i'faith 'twill be admirable, to see how the very thought of green fields puts a man into sweet inventions. I will presently possess Sim Quomodo of all the land, I have a toy and I'll do't: and because I see before mine eyes that most of our heirs prove notorious Rioters after our deaths, and that cousinage in the father wheels about to folly in the son, our posterity commonly foiled at the same weapon, at which we played rarely. And being the worlds beaten word, what's got over the devils back, (that's by knavery) must be spent under his belly, (that's by lechery) being awake in these knowings, why should not I oppose 'em now, and break destiny of her custom, preventing that by policy, which without it must needs be Destiny? and I have took the course, I will forthwith sicken, call for my keys, make my Will, and dispose of all, give my son this blessing, that he trust no man, keep his hand from a quean, and a Scrivener, live in his father's faith, and do good to nobody: then will I begin to rave like a fellow of a wide conscience, and for all the world counterfeit to the life, that which I know I shall do when I die, take on for my gold, my lands, and my writings, grow worse and worse, call upon the Devil, and so make an end: by this time I have indented with a couple of searchers, who to uphold my device shall fray them out a'th' Chamber with report of sickness, and so la, I start up, and recover again: for in this business I will trust, no not my spirits Falslight & shortyard, but in disguise note the condition of all, how pitiful my wife takes my death, which will appear by November in her eye, and the fall of the leaf in her body, but especially by the cost she bestows upon my funeral, there shall I try her love and regard, my daughters marrying to my will & liking, and my sons affection after my disposing: for to conclude, I am as jealous of this land as of my wife, to know what would become of it after my decease.  Exit. Enter Courtesan with her disguised father. Fath. 
Though I be poor, 'tis my glory to live honest.  Curt. 
I prithee do not leave me.  Faith. 
To be bawd.  
Hell has not such an office,  
I thought at first your mind had been preserved,  
In virtue and in modesty of blood,  
that such a face had not been made to please the unsettled Appetites of several men,  
Those eyes turned up through prayer, not through lust,  
But you are wicked, and my thoughts unjust.  Curt. 
Why thou art an unreasonable fellow i'faith, do not all Trades live by their ware, and yet called honest Livers? do they not thrive best, when they utter most, and make it away by the great? is not wholesale the chiefest merchandise? do you think some Merchants could keep their wives so brave but for their wholesale? you're foully deceived and you think so.  Fath. 
You are so glued to punishment and shame, Your words e'en deserve whipping— to bear the habit of a Gentlewoman, and be in mind so distant.  Curt. 
Why you fool you, are not Gentlewomen Sinners? and there's no courageous Sinner amongst us, but was a Gentlewoman by the Mother's side I warrant you: beside, we are not always bound to think those our fathers that marry our Mothers, but those that lie with our Mothers, and they may be Gentlemen borne & born again for aught we know, you know.  Fath. 
True: corruption may well be Generations first, we're bad by nature, but by custom worst.  Exeunt. A Bell tolls, a Confused cry within. Toma. 
Oh my Husband.  Sim. 
My Father, O my Father.  Fals. 
My sweet Master, dead!  Enter Shortyard and the Boy. Short. 
Run boy, bid 'em ring out, he's dead, he's gone.  Boy. 
Then is as arrant a knave gone, as ere was called upon.  Sho. 
The happiest good that ever Shortyard felt,  
I want to be expressed, my mirth is such,  
To be struck now e'en when his joys were high,  
Men only kiss their knaveries, and so die,  
I've often marked it.  
He was a famous cozener while he lived,  
And now his Son shall reap it, i'll ha' the lands,  
Let him Study law after, 'tis no labour  
to undo him for ever: but for easy,  
Only good confidence did make him foolish,  
And not the lack of Sense, that was not it,  
'tis worldly craft beats down a scholars wit,  
For this our Son and heir now, he  
From his conception was entailed an Ass,  
And he has kept it well, twenty five years now,  
Than the slightest art will do't, the lands lie fair,  
No Sin to beggar a deceivers heir.  Exit. Enter Tomazin with Winefride her maid in haste. Toma. 
Here Winifred, here, here, here, I have always found thee secret.  Wini. 
You shall always find me so Mistress.  Toma. 
Take this letter and this Ring.  Wini. 
Yes forsooth.  Toma. 
Oh how all the parts about me shake,— inquire for one Master Easy at his old lodging i'th' the Blackfriars,  Win. 
I will indeed forsooth.  Toma. 
Tell him the party that sent him a hundred pound other day to comfort his heart, has likewise sent him this Letter and this Ring, which has that virtue to recover him again for ever say— name nobody Winifrid.  Win. 
Not so much as you forsooth.  Toma. 
Good Girl, thou shalt have a mourning Gown at the burial of mine honesty.  Win. 
And i'll effect your will a my fidelity.  Exit. Toma. 
I do account myself the happiest Widow that ever counterfeited weeping, in that I have the leisure now, both to do that Gentleman good, and do myself a pleasure, but I must seem like a hanging Moon a little waterish a while.  Enter Rerage, courtesans Father following. Rer. 
I entertain both thee and thy Device,  
'twill put 'em both to shame.  Fath. 
That is my hope sir,  
Especially that strumpet.  Rer. 
Save you sweet widow,  
I suffer for your heaviness.  Toma. 
O Master Rerage, I have lost the dearest husband that ever woman did enjoy.  Rerg. 
You must have patience yet.  Toma. 
Oh talk not to me of patience and you love me, good Master Rerage.  Rer. 
Yet if all tongues go right, he did not use you so well as a man mought.  Toma. 
Nay, that's true indeed Master Rerage, he near used me so well as a woman might have been used, that's certain in troth t'has's been our greatest falling out sir, and though it be the part of a widow, to show herself a woman for her husband's death, yet when I remember all his unkindness, I cannot weep a stroke i'faith Master Rerage, and therefore wisely did a great widow in this land, comfort up another, go too Lady (quoth she) leave blubbering, thou thinkest upon thy husbands good parts when thou shedst tears, do but remember how often he has lain from thee, and how many naughty slippery turns he has done thee, & thou wilt near weep for him I warrant thee— you would not think how that counsel has wrought with me Master Rerage, I could not dispend another tear now, and you would give me near so much.  Rer. 
Why I count you the wiser Widow, it shows you have wisdom, when you can check your passion, for mine own part, I have no sense to sorrow for his death, whose life was the only Rub to my affection.  Toma. 
Troth and so it was to mine, but take courage now, you're a Landed Gentleman, & my Daughter is seven hundred pound strong to join with you.  Rer. 
But Lethe lies i'th' way.  Tomaz. 
Let him lie still, You shall tread over him or i'll fail in will.  Rer. 
Sweet widow.  Exeunt. Enter Quomodo like a Beadle. Quo. 
What a beloved man did I live? my Servants gall their fingers with ringing, my wives cheeks smart with weeping, stand in every corner, you may take water in my house— but am not I a wise fool now? what if my wife should take my death so to heart, that she should sicken upon't, nay swoon, nay die? when did I hear of a woman do so, let me see,— Now I remember me, I think 'twas before my Time; yes, I have heard of those wives that have wept, and sobbed, and swoon— marry I never heard but they recovered again, that's a comfort la, that's a comfort, & I hope so will mine— peace, 'tis near upon the time, I see, here comes the worshipful livery, I have the Hospital Boys, I perceive little Tomazin will bestow cost of me,— I'll listen to the common censure now, how the world tongues me when my ear lies low.  Enter the Livery. 1. Liue. 
Who Quomodo? merely enriched by shifts, And cozenages, believe it.  Quo. 
I see the world is very loath to praise me,  
'tis Rawly friends with me, I cannot blame it,  
For what I have done, has been to vex and shame it.  
Here comes my Son, the hope, the landed heir,  
On't whose rare thrift, will say men's tongues you lie,  
I'll keep by law what was got craftily.  
methinks I hear him say so:  
He does salute the livery with good grace,  
And solemn Gesture—  Bead. 
oh my young Worshipful M. you have parted from a dear Father, a wise and provident father.  Sim. 
Art thou grown an Ass now?  Bead. 
Such an honest Father—  Sim. 
Prithee Beadle leave thy lying, I am scarce able to endure thee i'faith, what honesty didst thou ere know by my Father speak, rule your tongue Beadle lest I make you prove it, and then I know what will become of you, 'tis the scurvy scurviest thing i'th' earth to belie the dead so, and he's a beastly Son and heir that will stand by, and hear his father belied to his face, he will near prosper I warrant him, Troth if I be not ashamed to go to Church with him, I would I might be hanged, I fear such filthy Tales go on him, oh if I had known he had been such a lewd fellow in his life he should near have kept me company.  Quo. 
Oh— o— o!  Sim. 
But I am glad he's gone, though 'twere long first, Shortyard and I will revel it i'faith, I have made him my Rent-gatherer already.  Quo. 
He shall be speedily disinherited, he gets not a foot, not the Crown of a Molehill, i'll sooner make a courtier my heir for teaching my wife tricks than thee, my most neglectful Son? Oh now the corpse, I shall observe yet farther.  A counterfeit Corpse brought in, Tomazin, and all the mourners equally counterfeit. Quo. 
O my most modest, virtuous and remembering wife, she shall have all when I die, she shall have all.  Enter easy. Tom. 
Master Esay? 'tis, oh what shift shall I make now? oh—  Falls down in a feigned swoon. Quo. 
Sweet wife she swoons, i'll let her alone, i'll have no mercy at this time, i'll not see her, i'll follow the corpse.  Exit Easy 
The Devil grind thy Bones, thou cozening Rascal.  Moth. 
Give her a little more air, tilt up her head, comfort thyself good widow, do not fall like a Beast for a husband, there's more than we can well tell where to put 'em, good soul.  Tom. 
Oh, I shall be well anon.  Moth. 
Fie, you have no patience i'faith, I have buried four Husbands, and never offered 'em such abuse.  Tom. 
Cousin, how do you?  Eas. 
Sorry to see you ill coz.  Toma. 
The worst is past I hope.  Pointing after the Coffin. Eas. 
I hope so to.  Toma. 
Lend me your hand sweet coz I have troubled you  Moth. 
No trouble indeed forsooth— Good Cousin have a care of her, comfort her up as much as you can, and all little enough I warrant ye.  Exeunt. Tomaz. 
My most sweet love.  Eas. 
My life is not so dear.  Toma. 
I have always pitied you.  Eas. 
Y'ave shown it here. And given the desperate hope?  Toma. 
Delay not now, you'ave understood my love, I have a priest ready, this is the fittest season, no eye offends us, Let this kiss Restore thee to more wealth, me to more bliss.  Eas. 
The Angels have provided for me.  
Finis Actus Quartus.   

Incipit Quintus et ultimus.  Enter Shortyard with writings, having cozened Sim Quomodo. Short. 
I have not Scope enough within my breast,  
To keep my joys contained: I'm Quomodo's  
heir: the Lands assurances, and all are mine  
(I have tripped his sons heels up) above the ground,  
His father left him: had I not encouragement?  
Do not I know what proves the Fathers pray?  
The Son near looks on't, but it melts away.  
Do not I know the wealth that's got by fraud?  
slaves share it like the riches of a Bawd.  
Why 'tis a curse unquenchable, near cools.  
knaves still commit their consciences to fools:  
And they betray who owed 'em, here's all the bonds,  
All Easie's writings, let me see:  Enter Quomodo's Wife married to Esay. Toma. 
Now my desires wear crowns.  Eas. 
My joys exceed, Man is near healthful, till his follies bleed.  Toma. 
Oh, behold the Villain, who in all those shapes Confounded your estate.  Eas. 
That slave, that villain.  Short. 
So many Acres of good meadow—  Eas. 
Rascal.  Sho. 
I hear you sir.  Eas. 
Rogue, Shortyard, Blastfield, Sergeant, Deputy, cozener  Sho. 
Hold, hold.  Eas. 
I thirst the execution of his ears.  Toma. 
Hate you that office,  Easi. 
I'll strip him bare for punishment and shame.  Sho. 
Why do but hear me sir, you will not think what I have done for you.  Eas. 
Given his Son my Lands.  Sho. 
Why look you, 'tis not so, your not told true,  
I have Cozened him again merely for you,  
Merely for you sir, 'twas my meaning then  
That you should wed her, and have all again.  
A my troth it's true sir: look you then here sir, you shall not miss a little scroll sir, pray sir, let not the City know me for a knave, there be richer men would envy my preferment if I should be known before 'em.  Eas. 
Villain, my hate to more revenge is drawn,  
When slaves are found, 'tis their base Art to fawn,  
Within there—.  Sho. 
How now? fresh warders.  Eas. 
This is the other, bind him fast, have I found you Master Blastfield.  Sho. 
This is the fruit of Craft,  
Like him that shoots up high, looks for the shaft  
And finds it in his forehead, so does hit  
The Arrow of our fate, wit destroys wit:  
The head the bodies bane, and his own bears,  
You hae Corn enough, you need not reap mine ears,  
Sweet Master Blastfield.  Eas. 
I loathe his voice, away.  Exit. Toma. 
What happiness was here, but are you sure you have all?  Eas. 
I hope so my sweet wife.  Tom. 
What difference there is in Husbands, not only in one thing, but in all.  Eas. 
here's good deeds and bad deeds, the writings that keep my lands to me, and the bonds that gave it away from me.  
These my good deeds shall to more safety turn,  
And these my bad have their deserts and burn.  
I'll see thee again presently, read there.  Toma. 
Did he want all, who would not love his care?  Enter Quomodo. Quo. 
What a wife hast thou Ephestian— Quomodo, so loving so mindful of her duty not only seen to weep but known to swoon, I knew a Widow about Saint Antling's so forgetful of her first Husband, that she married again within the twelvemonth, nay some by’r lady within the month: there were sights to be seen, had they my wives true sorrows seven nor seven years would draw 'em to the stake, I would most tradesmen had such a wife as I, they hope they have, we must all hope the best: thus in her honour.  
A modest wife is such a jewel,  
Every Goldsmith cannot show it:  
He that's honest, and not cruel,  
Is the likeliest man to owe it.  
And that's I, I made it by myself, and coming to her as a Beadle for my reward this morning, i'll see how she takes my death next her heart.  Toma. 
Now Beadle.  Quo. 
Bless your mistress-ship's eyes from too many tears, Although you have lost a wise and worshipful Gentleman.  Toma. 
You come for your due Beadle, here i'th' house.  Quo. 
Most certain, the Hospital money and mine own poor forty pence.  Toma. 
I must crave a discharge from you Beadle.  Quo. 
Call your man, i'll heartily see my hand to a Memorandum.  Toma. 
You deal the truel yer.  Quo. 
Good wench still.  Toma. 
George, here is the Beadle come for his money, draw a Memorandum that he has received all his due he can claim here i'th' house after this funeral.  Quo. 
What politic directions she gives him, all to secure herself, 'tis time i'faith now to pity her, i'll discover myself to her ere I go, but came it off with some lively jest now, that were admirable: I have it? after the memorandum is written and all, i'll set my own name to't Ephestian Quomodo, she'll start, she'll wonder how Ephest. Quomodo came hither that was buried yesterday: you're beset little Quomodo.  Tom. 
nineteen, twenty five pound, 1, 2, 3, & 4. d.  Quo. 
So, we shall have good sport, when 'tis read:  Eas. 
How now Lady, paying away money so fast?  Tom. 
The Beadle's due here sir  Quo. 
Whose? 'tis Easy, what makes Esay in my house, He is not my wives over seer I hope:  Eas. 
What's here?  Quo. 
He makes me sweat.  Eas. 
Memorandum that I have received of Richard Esay, all my due I can claim here i'th' house or any hereafter for me: In witness whereof, I have set to mine own hand, Ephestian Qommodo.  Quo. 
What have I done? was I mad?  Eas. 
Ephestian Quomodo.  Quo. 
ay, well, what then sir? get you out of my house, First you master Prodigal had land, away.  Tom. 
What is the Beadle drunk or mad? Where are my men to thrust him out a doors.  Quo. 
Not so good Tomazin not so.  Tom. 
This fellow must be whipped.  Quo. 
Thank you good wife.  Eas. 
I can no longer bear him.  Tom. 
Nay sweet husband.  Quo. 
Husband I me undone, beggared, cozened, confounded for ever: married already? will it please you know me now mistress Harlot, and master Horner, who am I now?  Tom. 
Oh, he's as like my other husband as can be.  Quo. 
I'll have judgement, i'll bring you before a judge, you shall feel wife whether my flesh be dead or no, i'll tickle you i'faith, i'faith.  Exit. Tom. 
The judge that he'll solicit knows me well.  Eas. 
Let's on then, and our grievances first tell.  Exeunt. Enter Lethe with officers, taken with his Harlot. Rer. 
Here they come.  Sus. 
O where.  Let. 
Heart of shame, upon my wedding morning so disgraced!  
Have you so little conscience Officers,  
You will not take a bribe?  Cur. 
Master Lethe we may lie together lawfully hereafter, for we are coupled together before people enough i'faith.  Rer. 
There goes the strumpet.  Sus. 
Pardon my wilful blindness and enjoy me.  
For now the difference appears too plain,  
Betwixt a base slave and a true Gentleman.  Rer. 
I do embrace thee in the best of love,  
How soon affections fail, how soon they prove.  Enter judge, easy, and Tomazin in talk with him. Iud. 
His cozenages are odious, he the plaintiff,  
Not only framed deceitful in his life,  
But so to mock his funeral.  Eas. 
Most just.  
The Livery all assembled, mourning weeds,  
Throughout his house e'en down to his last servant  
The Herald richly hired to lend him Arms,  
Feigned from his Ancestors, which I dare swear knew no  
other Arms but those they laboured with,  
All preparations furnished, nothing wanted  
Save that which was the cause of all, his death,  
If he be living.  judg. 
'twas an impious part.  Eas. 
We are not certain yet it is himself,  
But some false spirit that assumes his shape,  
And seeks still to deceive me.  Quo. 
Oh are you come? my Lord? their here, good morrow Tomazin.  judg. 
Now what are you?  Quo. 
I am Quomodo my Lord, & this my wife,  
Those my two men, that are bound wrongfully.  Iud. 
How are we sure you're he?  Quo. 
Oh you cannot miss my Lord.  Iud. 
I'll try you. Are you the man that lived the famous cozener?  Quo. 
O no my Lord.  Iud. 
Did you deceive this Gentleman of his right,  
And laid Nets o'er his land?  Quo. 
Not I my Lord.  Iud. 
Then you're not Quomodo but a counterfeit,  
Lay hands on him, and bear him to the whip.  Quo. 
Stay, stay a little I pray, now I remember me my Lord, I cozened him indeed, 'tis wondrous true.  Iud. 
Then I dare swear this is no counterfeit.  
Let all doubts cease this man is Quomodo.  Quo. 
Why la you now, you would not believe this, I am found what I am.  Iud. 
But setting these thy odious shifts apart,  
Why did that thought profane, enter thy breast,  
To mock the world with thy supposed death?  Quo. 
Conceive you not that my Lord? a policy.  Iud. 
So.  Quo. 
For having gotten the lands I thirsted still,  
To know what fate would follow 'em.  Iud. 
Being ill got.  Quo. 
Your lordship apprehends me.  Iud. 
I think I shall anon.  Quo. 
And thereupon,  
I out of policy possessed my son,  
Which since I have found lewd, and now intend  
To disinherit him for ever,  
Not only this was in my death set down,  
But thereby a firm trial of my wife,  
Her constant sorrows, her remembering virtues,  
All which are Dews, the shine of a next morning dries 'em up all I see't.  Iud. 
Did you profess wise cozenage, and would dare  
To put a woman to her two days choice,  
When of a minute does it?  Quo. 
Less, a moment  
The twinkling of an eye, a glimpse, scarce something does it,  
Your Lordship yet will grant she is my wife.  Tom. 
O heaven!  Iud. 
After some penance, and the dues of law  
I must acknowledge that.  Quo. 
I scarce like  
Those dues of law.  Eas. 
My Lord, although the law too gently lot his wife,  
The wealth he left behind he cannot challenge.  Quo. 
How?  Eas. 
Behold his hand against it.  Quo. 
He does devise all means to make me mad, that I may no more lie with my wife in perfect memory, I know't but yet the lands will maintain me in my wits: the land will do so much for me.  judg. 
In witness whereof I have set to mine own hand,  
Ephestian Quomodo.  
'tis firm enough your own sir.  Quo. 
A jest my Lord, I did I knew not what.  Iud. 
It should seem so, deceit is her own foe  
Craftily gets, and childishly let's go.  
But yet the lands are his.  Quo. 
ay, warrant ye.  Eas. 
No my good Lord, the lands know the right heir, I am their master once more.  Quo. 
Have you the lands?  Eas. 
Yes truly I praise heaven.  Quo. 
Is this good dealing? are there such consciences abroad, how? which way could he come by 'em?  Sho. 
My Lord i'll quickly resolve you that it comes to me  
This cozener whom too long I called my patron,  
To my thought dying, and the fool his son  
Possessed of all, which my brain partly sweat for,  
I held it my best virtue, by a plot  
To get from him what for him was ill got.  Quo. 
O beastly Shortyard!  Sho. 
When no sooner mine,  
But I was glad more quickly to resign.  Iud. 
Craft once discovered shows her abject line.  Quo. 
He hits me everywhere, for craft once known,  
does teach fools wit, leaves the deceiver none.  
My deeds have cleft me, cleft me.  Enter Officers with Lethe and the Harlot. 1. Off. 
Room there.  Quo. 
A little yet to raise my spirit.  
Here master Lethe comes to wed my Daughter.  
That's all the joy is left me: ha? who's this?  judge. 
What crimes have those brought forth?  Gent. 
The shame of lust,  
Most viciously on this his wedding morning,  
This man was seized in shame with that bold Strumpet.  judge. 
Why, 'tis she he means to marry.  Leth. 
No in truth.  judge. 
In truth you do.  
Who for his wife his Harlot doth prefer,  
Good reason 'tis, that he should marry her.  Curt. 
I crave it on my knees, such was his vow at first,  Pand. 
I'll say so too  
And work out mine own safety,  
Such was his vow at first, indeed my Lord,  
howe'er his mood has changed him?  Leth. 
O wild slave!  Curt. 
He says it true my Lord,  Iud. 
Rest content,  
He shall both marry and taste punishment.  Leth. 
Oh intolerable! I beseech your good Lordship if I must have an outward punishment, let me not marry an inward, whose lasts will near out, but grow worse and worse: I have a wife stays for me this morning with seven hundred pound in her purse, let me be speedily whipped and be gone, I beseech your Lordship.  Gent. 
He speaks no truth my Lord, behold the Virgin,  
Wife to a well esteemed Gentleman,  
Loathing the Sin he follows.  Leth. 
I was betrayed, yes faith.  Rer. 
His own Mother my Lord,  
Which he confessed through ignorance, and disdain,  
His name so changed to abuse the world and her.  Let. 
Marry a Harlot, why not? 'tis an honest man's fortune, I pray did not one of my Countrymen marry my Sister? why well then, if none should be married but those that are honest where should a man seek a wife after Christmas? I pity that Gentleman, that has nine Daughters to bestow, and seven of 'em Seeded already, they will be good stuff by that time, I do beseech your Lordship to remove the punishment, I am content to marry her.  judge. 
There's no removing of your punishment.  Leth. 
O good my Lord.  judge. 
Unless one here assembled  
Whom you have most unnaturally abused, beget your pardon.  Leth. 
Who should that be?  
Or who would dov, that has been so abused?  
A troublesome penance— sir.  Quo. 
Knave in your face, leave your mocking, Andrew, marry your Queen and be quiet.  Leth. 
Master Esay.  Eas. 
I'm sorry you take such a bad course sir.  Leth. 
Master Quomodo.  Toma. 
inquire my right name again next time, now go your ways like an Ass as you came.  Leth. 
Mass I forget my mother all this while, I'll make her do't at first, pray mother your blessing for once.  Moth. 
call'st me Mother? out, I defy thee slave.  Leth. 
Call me slave as much as you will, but do not shame me now, let the world know you are my Mother.  Moth. 
Let me not have this Villain put upon me I beseech your Lordship.  judg. 
he's justly cursed, she loathes to know him now,  
Whom he before did as much loath to know,  
Wilt thou believe me woman?  Moth. 
That's soon done.  judge. 
Then know him for a Villain, 'tis thy Son,  Moth. 
Art thou Andrew my wicked Son Andrew?  Leth. 
You would not believe me Mother.  Moth. 
How art thou changed? Is this suit fit for thee? a tooth-drawer's Son, this country has e'en spoiled thee since thou camest hither, thy manners better than thy clothes, but now whole clothes and ragged manners, it may well be said that truth goes naked, for when thou hadst scarce a shirt thou hadst more truth about thee.  judg. 
Thou art thine own affliction Quomodo:  
Shortyard we banish, 'tis our pleasure.  Sho. 
Hence forth no woman shall complain for measure.  judg. 
And that all Error from our works may stand,  
We banish Falslight evermore the land.   
FINIS