A Trick to catch the Old-one. As it hath been lately Acted, by the Children of Paul's.  
 
AT LONDON Printed by George Eld, and are to be sold at his house in Fleet-lane at the sign of the Printers-press. 1608.   

A Trick to catch the old one.  Enter Witt-good a Gentleman, solus. Witt-good. 
ALL's gone! still thou'rt a Gentleman, that's all; but a poor one, that's nothing: What Milk brings thy Meadows forth now? where are thy goodly Uplands and thy Down-lands, all sunk into that little pit Lechery? why should a Gallant pay but two shillings for his ordinary that nourishes him, and twenty times two for his Brothel that consumes him? but where's Long-acre? in my uncles conscience, which is 3. years voyage about; he that sets out upon his conscience, near finds the way home again, he is either swallowed in the quicksands of Law-quillets, or splits upon the Piles of a Praemunire; yet these old fox-brained— and ox-browed uncles, have still defences for their Avarice, and Apologies for their practises, and will thus greet our follies.  

He that doth his youth expose,  
To Brothel, drink, and danger,  
Let him that is his nearest Kin,  
Cheat him before a stranger.   
And that's his Uncle, 'tis a principle in Usury; I dare not visit the City, there I should be too soon visited, by that horrible plague my Debts, and by that means I lose a virgin's love, her portion and her Virtues, well, how should a man live now, that has no living; hum? why are there not a million of men in the world, that only sojourn upon their brain, and make their wits their Mercers; and am I but one amongst that Million and cannot thrive upon't; any Trick out of the compass of Law now, would come happily to me.  Enter Courtesan. Curt. 
My love.  Wit. 
My loathing; hast thou been the secret consumption of my purse? and now comest to undo my last means, my wits? wilt leave no virtue in me and yet thou near the better? hence Courtesan, round webbed Tarantula.  
That dryest the Roses in the cheeks of youth.  Cur. 
I have been true unto your pleasure, and all your lands thrice racked, was never worth the jewel which I prodigally gave you, my virginity;  
Lands mortgaged may return and more esteemed,  
But honesty once pawned, is near redeemed.  Wit. 
For give I do thee wrong,  
To make thee sin, and then to chid thee for't.  Cur. 
I know I am your loathing now, farewell.  Wit. 
Stay best invention,— stay.  Cur. 
I that have been the secret consumption of your purse shall I stay now to undo your last means, your wits? hence Courtesan away.  Wit. 
I prithee, make me not mad at my own weapon, stay, (a thing few women can do I know that, and therefore they had need wear stays;) be not contrary, dost love me?  
Fate has so cast it that all my means I must derive from thee.  Cur. 
From me! be happy then,  
What lies within the power of my performance,  
Shall be commanded of thee.  Wit. 
Spoke like an honest drab i'faith, it may prove something what Trick is not an embryon at first, until a perfect shape come over it.  Cur. 
Come I must help you whereabouts left you,  
I'll proceed.  
Though you beget, 'tis I must help to breed,  
Speak what be't, I'd fain conceive it.  Wit. 
So, so, so, thou shall presently take the name and form upon thee of a rich country widow four hundred a year valiant, in Woods, in Bullocks, in Barns and in Rye-stacks, we'll to London, and to my covetous Uncle.  Curt. 
I begin to applaud thee, our States being both desperate, they are soon resolute, but how for horses?  Witt. 
Mass that's true, the jest will be of some continuance, let me see, Horses now, a bott's on 'em; Stay, I have acquaintance with a mad Host, never yet Bawd to thee, I have rinsed the whoresons gums in Mull-sack many a time and often, put but a good Tale into his ear now, so it come off cleanly, and there's Horse and man for us I dare warrant thee.  Curt. 
Arm your wits then speedily, there shall want nothing in me, either in behaviour, discourse or fashion, that shall discredit your intended purpose.  
I will so artfully disguise my wants,  
And set so good a courage on my state,  
That I will be believed.  Witt. 
Why then all's furnished; I shall go nigh to catch that old Fox mine Uncle, though he make but some amends for my undoing, yet there's some comfort in't— he cannot otherwise choose (though it be but in hope to cozen me again) but supply any hasty want that I bring to town with me, the Device well and cunningly carried, the name of a rich Widow, and four hundred a year in good earth, will so conjure up a kind of usurers love in him to me, that he will not only desire my presence, which at first shall scarce be granted him, I'll keep off a purpose, but I shall find him so officious to deserve, so ready to supply, I know the state of an old man's affection so well, if his Nephew be poor indeed, why he lets God alone with him, but if he be once rich, than he'll be the first man that helps him.  Curt. 
'tis right the world, for in these days an old man's love to his kindred, is like his kindness to his wife, 'tis always done before he comes at it.  Witt. 
I owe thee for that jest, be gone, here's all my wealth; prepare thyself, away? I'll to mine Host with all possible haste, and with the best Art, & most profitable form, power the sweet circumstance into his ear, which shall have the gift to turn all the wax to honey; how no; oh the right worshipful Seniors of our Country—  1. 
whose's that;  2. 
Oh the common Rioter, take no note of him.  Witg. 
You will not see me now, the comfort is ere it be long you will scarce see yourselves.  1. 
I wonder how he breathes, has consumed all upon that Courtesan?  2. 
We have heard so much.  1 
You have heard all truth, his Uncle and my Brother, have been these three years mortal Adversaries. Two old tough spirits, they seldom meet but fight, or quarrel when 'tis calmest;  
I think their anger be the very fire  
That keeps their age alive:  2. 
What was the quarrel sir?  1. 
Faith about a purchase, fetching over a young heir; Master Hoord my brother having wasted much time in beating the bargain, what did me old Lucre▪ but as his conscience moved him, knowing the poor Gentleman, stepped in between 'em and cozened him himself.  2. 
And was this all sir:  1. 
This was e'en it sir, yet for all this I know no reason but the match might go forward betwixt his wives Son and my Niece, what though there be a dissension between the two old men, I see no reason it should put a difference between the two younger, 'tis as natural for old folks to fall out, as for young to fall in? A scholar comes a-wooing to my Niece, well, he's wise, but he's poor, her Son comes a-wooing to my Niece, well, he's a fool, but he's rich—  2. 
I marry sir?  1. 
Pray now is not a rich fool better than a poor Philosopher.  2. 
One would think so i'faith?  1. 
She now remains at London with my brother her second Uncle, to learn fashions, practise Music, the voice between her lips, and the viol between her legs, she'll be fit for a consort very speedily, a thousand good pound is her portion, if she marry, we'll ride up and be merry,—  3. 
A match, if it be a match?  Exeunt. Enter at one door, Witt-good, at the other Host. Wit. 
Mine Host?  Host. 
Young master Wit-good.  Wit, 
I have been laying all the Town for thee.  Host. 
Why what's the news Bully-Hadland?  Witt. 
What Geldings are in the house of thine own? answer me to that first.  Host. 
Why man, why?  Witt. 
Mark me what I say, I'll tell thee such a tale in thine ear, that thou shalt trust me spite of thy teeth, furnish me with some money, willy-nilly, and ride up with me thyself Contra voluntatem et profession 'em.  Host. 
How: let me see this trick, and I'll say thou hast more  
Art than a conjuror.  Wit. 
Dost thou joy in my advancement?  Host. 
Do I love Sack and Ginger?  Wit. 
Comes my prosperity desiredly to thee?  Host. 
Come forfeitures to a Usurer, fees to an officer, punks to an Host, and Pigs to a Parson desiredly? why then la.  Wit 
Will the report of a Widow of four hundred a year boy, make thee leap, and sing, and dance, and come to thy place again.  Host. 
Wilt thou command me now? I am thy spirit, conjure me into any shape.  Wit. 
I ha' brought her from her friends, turned back the Horses by a slight, not so much as one amongst her six men, goodly large Yeomanly fellows, will she trust with this her purpose: by this light all unmanned; regardless of her state, neglectful of vainglorious ceremony, all for my love; oh 'tis a fine little voluble tongue mine Host, that wins a widow.  Host. 
No 'tis a tongue with a great T my boy that wins a widow.  Witt. 
Now sir, the case stands thus, good mine Host, if thou lov'st my happiness assist me.  Host. 
Command all my beasts i'th' house.  Witt. 
Nay that's not all neither, prithee take truce with thy joy, and listen to me, thou know'st I have a wealthy Uncle i'th' City, somewhat the wealthier by my follies; the report of this fortune well and cunningly carried, might be a means to draw some goodness from the usuring Rascal, for I have put her in hope already of some estate that I have either in land or money: now if I be found true in neither, what may I expect but a sudden breach of our love, utter dissolution of the match, and confusion of my fortunes for ever.  Host. 
Wilt thou but trust the managing of thy business with me?  Witt. 
With thee? why will I desire to thrive in my purpose? will I hug four hundred a year? I that know the misery of nothing? will that man wish a rich widow, that has near a hole to put his head in? with thee mine Host, why believe it, sooner with thee then with a covey of Counsellors?  Host. 
Thank you for your good report i'faith sir, and if I stand you not instead, why then let an Host come off Hic & haec hostis, a deadly enemy to Dice, Drink, and Venery; come where's this widow?  Witt. 
Hard at Parke-end.  Host. 
I'll be her serving-man for once.  Witt. 
Why there we let off together, keep full time, my thoughts were striking then just the same number.  Host. 
I knew't, shall we then see our merry days again?  Witt. 
Our merry nights— which near shall be more seen.  Exeunt. Enter at several doors, old Lucre, and old Hoord, Gentlemen coming between them, to pacify 'em. Lampr. 
Nay good Master Lucre, and you Master Hoord▪ anger is the wind which you're' both too much troubled with all.  Hoord. 
Shall my adversary thus daily affront me, ripping up the old wound of our malice, which three Summers could not close up, into which wound the very sight of him, drops scalding Lead instead of Balsamum.  Luc. 
Why Hoord, Hoord, Hoord, Hoord, Hoord; may I not pass in the state of quietness to mine own house, answer me to that, before witness, and why? I'll refer the cause to honest even-minded Gentlemen, or require the mere indifferences of the Law, to decide this matter, I got the purchase, true; was't not any man's case? yes, will a wiseman stand as a Bawd, whilst another wipes his nose of the bargain, no, I answer no in that case.  Lampr. 
Nay sweet Master Lucre.  Hoord. 
Was it the part of a friend: no, rather of a jew, mark what I say, when I had beaten the bush to the last bird, or as I may term it, the price to a pound, then like a cunning Usurer to come in the evening of the bargain, and glean all my hopes in a minute, to enter as it were at the back-door of the purchase, for thou near camest the right way by it.  Luc. 
Hast thou the conscience to tell me so, without any impeachment to thyself?  Hoord. 
Thou that canst defeat thy own Nephew, Lucre, lap his lands into bonds, and take the extremity of thy kindred's forfeitures because he's a rioter, a waste-thrift, a brothel-master, and so forth— what may a Stranger expect from thee, but Vulnera delacerata, as the Poet says, delacerate dealing?  Luc. 
upbraid'st thou me with Nephew? is all imputation laid upon me? what acquaintance have I with his follies, if he riot, 'tis he must want it, if he surfeit, 'tis he must feel it: if he Drab it, 'tis he must lie by't, what's this to me?  Hoord. 
What's all to thee? nothing, nothing; such is the gulf of thy desire, and the Wolf of thy conscience, but be assured old pecunious lucre, if ever fortune so bless me, that I may be at leisure to vex thee, or any means so favour me, that I may have opportunity to mad thee, I will pursue it with that flame of hate, that spirit of malice, unrepressed wrath, that I will blast thy comforts.  Lu. 
Ha, ha, ha!  Lamp. 
Nay master Hoord you're a wise Gentleman.  Hoord. 
I will so cross thee,  Luc. 
And I thee.  Hoord. 
So without mercy fret thee.  Luc. 
So monstrously oppose thee?  Hoord. 
Dost scoff at my just anger? oh that I had as much power as usury has over thee?  Luc. 
Then thou wouldst have as much power as the devil has over thee.  Hoord. 
Toad!  Luc. 
Aspic.  Hoord. 
Serpent.  Luc. 
Viper.  Spi. 
Nay Gentlemen, than we must divide you perforce.  Lamp. 
When the fire grows too unreasonable hot, there's no better way than to take of the wood.  Exeunt. Manet Sam and Monylove. Sam. 
A word good signor.  Mony. 
How now, what's the news?  Sam. 
'Tis given me to understand, that you are a rival of mine in the love of Mistress joice, master Hoards Niece: say me I, say me no.  Mony. 
Yes, 'tis so.  Sam. 
Then look to yourself, you cannot live long, I'm practising every morning, a month hence I'll challenge you.  Monyt. 
Give me your hand upon't there's my pledge I'll meet you?  Strikes him. Exit. Sam. 
Oh, oh— what reason had you for that sir to strike before the mouth, you knew I was not ready for you, and that made you so crank, I am not such a coward to strike again I warrant you, my ear has the law of her side for it burns horribly, I will teach him to strike a naked face, the longest day of his life, slid it shall cost me some money, but I'll bring this box into the Chancery.  Exit. Enter Wit-good and the Host. Host. 
Fear you nothing sir, I have lodged her in a house of credit I warrant you.  Witt. 
Hast thou the writings?  Host. 
Firm sir  Witt. 
Prithee stay, and behold two the most prodigious rascals that ever slipped into the shape of men, Dampit sirrah, and young Gulf, his fellow Caterpillar.  Host. 
Dampit? sure I have heard of that Dampit.  Witt. 
Heard of him? why man he that has lost both his ears, may hear of him, a famous infamous Trampler of time; his own phrase: note him well, that Dampit sirrah, he in the uneven Beard, and the Serge cloak, is the most notorious, usuring, blasphemous, Atheistical, Brothel, vomiting rascal, that we have in these latter times now extant, whose first beginning was the stealing of a masty Dog from a farmer's house.  Host. 
He looked as if he would obey the commandment well, when he began first with stealing.  Witt. 
True, the next Town he came at, he set the Dogs together byth' ears.  Host. 
A sign he should follow the law by my faith.  Witt. 
So it followed indeed, and being destitute of all fortunes, staked his Masty against a Noble, and by great fortune his Dog had the day, how he made it up ten shillings I know not, but his own boast is, that he came to town but with ten shillings in his purse, and now is credibly worth ten thousand pound?  Host. 
How the devil came he by it?  Wit. 
How the devil came he not by it, if you put in the devil once riches come with a vengeance, has been a Trampler of the Law sir, and the devil has a care of his footmen, the Rogue has spied me now, he nibbled me finely once too; a pox search you, oh master Dampit, the very Loins of thee; cry you mercy master Gulf, you walk so low I promise you I saw you not sir?  Gulf. 
He that walks low walks safe, the Poets tell us.  Wit. 
And nigher hell by a foot and a half than the rest of his fellows, but my old Harry.  Damp. 
My sweet Theodorus?  Wit. 
'twas a merry world when thou cam'st to town with ten shillings in thy purse.  Damp. 
And now worth ten thousand pound my Boy, report it, Harry Dampit, a trampler of time, say, he would be up in a morning, and be here with his Serge Gown, dashed up to the hams in a cause, have his feet stink about Westminster hall and come home again, see the galleons, the Galleasses the great Armadoes of the Law, than there be Hoys and petty vessels, Oar and Scullers of the time, there be picklocks of the Time too, then would I be here, I would trample up and down like a Mule; now to the judges, may it please your reverend— honourable fatherhoods: then to my Counsellor, may it please your worshipful patience, then to the examiner's Office, may it please your mastership's Gentleness, then to one of the Clerks, may it please your worshipful lousiness, for I find him scrubbing in his codpiece, then to the hall again, then to the Chamber again;  Wit. 
And when to the cellar again?  Damp. 
E'en when thou wilt again; Tramplers of time, Motions of Fleetstreet, and Visions of Holborn, here I have fees of one, there I have fees of another, my clients come about me, the Foolaminy and coxcombry of the Country, I still trashed and trotted for other men's causes, thus was poor Harry Dampit made rich by others' laziness, who, though they would not follow their own Suits, I made 'em follow me with their purses.  Wit. 
Didst thou so old Harry?  Damp. 
ay, and I souc'st 'em with bills of Charges i'faith, twenty pound a year have I brought in for boat-hire, and I near stepped into boat in my life.  Wit. 
Tramplers of time.  Dampit. 
ay, Tramplers of time, Rascals of time, bull-beggars:  Wit. 
Ah thou'rt a mad old harry? kind Master Gulf, I am bold to renew my acquaintance.  Gulf. 
I embrace it sir.  Music. Exeunt.  

Incipit ACT. 2.  Enter Lucre. Lucre. 
My Adversary evermore twits me with my Nephew, forsooth my Nephew: why may not a virtuous uncle have a dissolute Nephew? what though he be a brotheler, a waste-thrift, a common surfeiter, and to conclude a beggar, must sin in him, call up shame in me: since we have no part in their follies, why should we have part in their infamies? for my strict hand toward his mortgage that I deny not, I confess I had an uncles penworth: let me see, half in half, true, I saw neither hope of his reclaiming, nor comfort in his being, and was it not then better bestowed upon his Uncle, then upon one of his Ants, I need not say bawd, for every own knows what Aunt stands for in the last Translation now sir.  Ser. 2. 
there's a Country serving-man sir, attends to speak with your worship.  Lu. 
I'm at best leisure now, send him in to me;  Enter Host like a Servingman. Host. 
Bless your venerable worship.  Lu. 
Welcome good fellow.  Host. 
He calls me thief at first sight, yet he little thinks I am an Host?  Luc. 
What's thy business with me?  Host. 
Faith sir, I am sent from my Mistress to any sufficient Gentleman indeed, to ask advise upon a doubtful point, 'tis indifferent sir, to whom I come, for I know none, nor did my Mistress direct me to any particular man, for she's as mere a stranger here as myself, only I found your worship within, and 'tis a thing I ever loved sir to be dispatched as soon as I can:  Lu. 
A good blunt honesty, I like him well what is thy Mistress?  Host. 
faith a Country Gentlewoman and a widow sir, yesterday was the first flight of us, but now she intends to stay till a little Term business be ended.  Lu. 
Her name I prithee?  Host. 
It runs there in the writings sir, among her Lands, widow Medler?  Lu. 
Meddler? mass have I near heard of that widow?  Host. 
Yes, I warrant you, have you sir, not the rich widow in Staffordshire:  Lu. 
Cuds me, there 'tis indeed, thou hast put me into memory, there's a widow indeed, ah that I were a bachelor again.  Host. 
No doubt your worship might do much then, but she's fairly promised to a bachelor already.  Lu. 
Ah what is he I prithee?  Host. 
A Country Gentleman too, one whom your worship knows not I'm sure: has spent some few follies in his youth, but marriage by my faith begins to call him home, my Mistress loves him sir, and love covers faults you know, one master Wit-good if ever you have heard of the Gentleman:  Lu. 
Ha? Wit-good sayst thou?  Host. 
That's his name indeed sir; my Mistress is like to bring him to a goodly seat yonder, four hundred a year by my faith,  Lu. 
But I pray take me with you.  Host. 
ay sir?  Luc. 
What Countryman might this young Wit-good be?  Host. 
A Leicestershire gentleman sir.  Lu. 
My Nephew, by th' mass my Nephew, I'll fetch out more of this i'faith, a simple Country fellow, I'll workte out of him, and is that Gentleman sayst thou presently to marry her?  Host. 
Faith he brought her up to town sir, has the best card in all the bunch for't, her heart: and I know my Mistress will be married, ere she go down, nay I'll swear that, for she's none of those widows that will go down first, and be married after, she hates that I can tell you sir.  Luc. 
By my faith sir, she is like to have a proper Gentleman and a comely, I'll give her that gift?  Host. 
Why does your worship know him sir?  Luc. 
I know him! does not all the world know him, can a man of such exquisite qualities be hid under a bushel?  Host. 
Then your worship may save me a labour, for I had charge given me to inquire after him.  Lu. 
inquire of him? if I might counsel thee, thou shouldst near trouble thyself further, inquire of him of no more but of me, I'll fit thee? I grant he has been youthful, but is he not now reclaimed; mark you that sir, has not your Mistress think you been wanton in her youth? if men be wags, are there not women wagtails?  Host. 
No doubt sir:  Lu. 
does not he return wisest, that comes home whipped with his own follies.  Host. 
Why very true sir.  Lucr. 
The worst report you can hear of him I can tell you is that he has been a kind Gentleman, a liberal and a worthy, who but lusty Wit-good, thrice Noble Wit-good.  Host. 
Since your worship has so much knowledge in him, can you resolve me Sir what his living might be, my duty binds me sir to have a care of my mistress estate, she has been ever a good mistress to me though I say it, many wealthy Suitors has she nonsuited for his sake, yet though her Love be so fixed, a man cannot tell whether his Non-performance may help to remove it sir; he makes us believe he has lands and living.  Luc. 
Who young master Wit-good! why believe it he has as goodly a fine living out yonder, what do you call the place?  Host. 
Nay I know not i'faith.  Luc. 
Hum, see like a Beast if I have not forgot the name, puh, and out yonder again, goodly grown woods and fair meadows, pax on't, I can near hit of that place neither, he; why has Wit-good of Wit-good-Hall, he, an unknown thing.  Host. 
Is he so sir, to see how rumor will alter, trust me sir we heard once he had no lands, but all lay mortgaged to an Uncle he has in town here.  Luc. 
Push, 'tis a tale, 'tis a tale.  Host. 
I can assure you sir 'twas credibly reported to my Mistress.  Luc. 
Why do you think i'faith he was ever so simple to mortgage his lands to his Uncle? or his uncle so unnatural to take the extremity of such a mortgage.  Host. 
That was my saying still sir.  Luc. 
Puh, near think it.  Host. 
Yet that report goes currant.  Luc. 
Nay then you urge me,  
Cannot I tell that best that am his Uncle,  Host 
How sir! what have I done.  Luc. 
Why how now in a sown, man.  Host. 
Is your worship his Uncle sir.  Luc. 
Can that be any harm to you sir.  Host. 
I do beseech your sir do me the favour to conceal it, what a Beast was I to utter so much: pray sir do me the kindness to keep it in, I shall have my coat pulled o'er my ears, an't should be known, for the truth is an't please your worship, to prevent much rumour and many suitors, they intend to be married very suddenly and privately.  Lucre. 
And dost thou think it stands with my judgement to do them injury, must I needs say the knowledge of this marriage comes from thee? am I a fool at fifty four? do I lack subtlety now that have got all my wealth by it? there's a leash of Angels for thee, come let me woe thee, speak where lie they?  Host. 
So I might have no anger sir—  Luc. 
Passion of me not a jot, prithee come.  Hostis. 
I would not have it known it came by my means,—  Luc. 
Why am I a man of wisdom?  Host. 
I dare trust your worship sir, but I'm a stranger to your house, and to avoid all Intelligencers I desire your worships ear.  Luc. 
This fellow's worth a matter of trust— come sir, why now thou'rt an honest lad: ah sirrah Nephew?  Host. 
Please you sir now I have begun with your worship when shall I attend, for your advice upon that doubtful point, I must come warily now.  Lucr. 
Tut, fear thou nothing, to morrows evening shall resolve the doubt.  Host. 
The time shall cause my attendance.  Exit. Lucre. 
Fare thee well: there's more true honesty in such a Country Servingman, then in a hundred of our cloak companions, I may well call 'em companions, for since blue coats have been turned into cloaks, we can scarce know the man from the Master— George—  Geo. 
Anon sir?  Lucr. 
List hither,— keep the place secret, commend me to my Nephew, I know no cause tell him but he might see his Uncle?  Geog. 
I will sir.  Luc. 
And do you hear sir, take heed you use him with respect and duty.  Ge. 
Here's a strange alteration, one day he must be turned out like a Beggar, and now he must be called in like a Knight!  Exit. Luc. 
Ah Sirrah, that rich widow, 400. a year, beside I here she lays Claim to a title of a hundred more, this falls unhappily that he should bear a Grudge to me now being likely to prove so rich, what be't trow that he makes me a Stranger for? hum, I hope he has not so much wit to apprehend that I cozened him, he deceives me then? good heaven, who would have thought, it would ever have come to this pass,— yet he's a proper Gentleman i'faith, give him his due— marry that's his Mortgage, but that I near mean to give him, i'll make him rich enough in words if that be good, and if it come to a piece of money I will not greatly stick for't, there may be hope some of the widows lands too, may one day fall upon me if things be carried wisely: now sir, where is he?  Geo. 
He desires your worship to hold him excused, he has such weighty Business it commands him wholly from all men.  Luc. 
Were those my nephews words?  Geo. 
Yes indeed sir.  Luc. 
When men grow rich they grow proud too, I perceive that, he would not have sent me such an answer once within this twelvemonth, see what 'tis when a man's come to his lands, return to him again sir, tell him his Uncle desires his company for an hour, I'll trouble him but an hour say, 'tis for his own good tell him, and do you hear sir, put worship upon him, go too, do as I bid you, he's like to be a Gentleman of worship very shortly.  Geo. 
This is good sport i'faith.  Exit. Luc. 
Troth he uses his Uncle, discourteously now, can he tell what I may do for him, Goodness may come from me in a minute that comes not in seven year again, he knows my humour I am not so usually good, 'tis no small thing that draws kindness from me, he may know that, and he will; the chief cause that invites me to do him most good, is the sudden astonishing of old Hoord my Adversary, how pale his malice will look at my nephews Advancement, with what a dejected Spirit he will behold his Fortunes, whom but last day, he proclaimed Rioter, Penurious Makeshift, despised Brothel Master; ha, ha, 'twill do me more secret joy then my last purchase, more precious comfort then all these widows Revenues,— Now Sir.—  Enter Wit-good. Geo. 
With much entreaty he's at length come sir,  Lu 
Oh Nephew, let me salute you sir, your welcome Nephew  Wit. 
Uncle I thank you.  Luc. 
Yave a salt Nephew, your a Stranger here, well Heaven give you joy.  Wit. 
Of what Sir?  Luc. 
Hah, we can hear.  
You might have known your uncles house i'faith, you and your widow, go too, you were too blame; If I may tell you so without offence.  Wit. 
How could you hear of that sir?  Luc. 
Oh pardon me,  
It was your will to have it kept from me I perceive now.  Wit. 
Not for any defect of Love I protest Uncle.  Luc. 
Oh 'twas Unkindness Nephew, fie, fie, fie.  Wit 
I am sorry you take it in that sense sir.  Luc. 
Puh, you cannot colour it i'faith Nephew.  Wit. 
Will you but hear what I can say in my just excuse sir.  Luc. 
Yes faith will I, and welcome.  Wit. 
You that know my danger i'th' City sir so well, how great my debts are, and how extreme my Creditors could not out of your pure judgement sir, have wished us hither.  Luc. 
Mass a firm reason indeed,  Wi. 
Else my uncles house, why 'thas been the only make— Match.—  Luc. 
Nay and thy credit.  Wit. 
My credit? nay my countenance, push, nay I know uncle you would have wrought it so by your wit you would have made her believe in time the whole house had been mine—  Luc. 
I and most of the goods too—  Wit. 
La you there; well, let 'em all prate what they will there's nothing like the bringing of a widow to ones uncles house.  Luc. 
Nay let Nephews be ruled as they list, they shall find their uncles house, the most natural place when all's done.  Wit. 
There they may be bold.  Luc. 
Life, they may do any thing there man, and fear neither Beadle nor sumner, an uncles house! a very coal-harbour? Sirrah, I'll touch thee near now, hast thou so much interest in thy widow, that by a token thou couldst presently send for her?  Wit. 
Troth I think I can uncle.  Luc. 
Go too, let me see that?  Wit. 
Pray command one of your men hither Uncle.  Luc. 
George?  Georg. 
Here sir.  Luc. 
Attend my Nephew? I love a life to prattle with a rich widow, 'tis pretty methinks when our tongues go together, and then to promise much and perform little; I love that sport a life i'faith, yet I am in the mood now to do my Nephew some good, if he take me handsomely: what have you dispatched?  Wit. 
I ha' sent sir?  Luc. 
Yet I must condemn you of unkindness Nephew.  Wit. 
Heaven forbid Uncle?  Luc. 
Yes faith must I; say your debts be many, your creditors importunate, yet the kindness of a thing is all Nephew, you might have sent me close word on't, without the least danger, or prejudice to your fortunes.  Wit. 
Troth I confess it Uncle, I was too blame there, but indeed my intent was to have clapped it up suddenly, and so have broke forth like a joy to my friends, and a wonder to the world, beside there's a trifle of a forty pound matter toward the setting of me forth, my friends should near have known on't, I meant to make shift for that myself.  Luc. 
How Nephew? let me not hear such a word again, I beseech you,— shall I be beholding to you?  Wit. 
To me alas, what do you mean Uncle?  Luc. 
I charge you upon my love: you trouble nobody but myself.  Wit. 
Y'ave no reason for that Uncle.  Luc. 
Troth I'll near be friends with you while you live and you do.  Wit. 
Nay and you say so Uncle, here's my hand, I will not dov—  Luc. 
Why well said, there's some hope in thee when thou wilt be ruled, i'll make it up fifty faith, because I see thee so reclaimed; peace, here comes my wife with Same her other husband's Son.  Wit. 
Good Aunt—  Sa. 
Cozen Wit-good? I rejoice in my salute, your most welcome to this Noble City governed with the sword in the Scabbard,  Wit. 
And the wit in the pommel, good Master Same freedom I return the salute.  Luc. 
By the mass she's coming wife, let me see now how thou wilt entertain her.  Wife. 
I hope I am not to learn sir, to entertain a widow, 'tis not so long ago since I was one myself?  Wit. 
Uncle?  Luc. 
she's come indeed?  Wit. 
My Uncle was desirous to see you widow, and I presumed to invite you.  Curti. 
The presumption was nothing Master Wit-good, is this yours Uncle sir?  Luc. 
Marry am I sweet widow, and his good Uncle he shall find me, I by this smack that I give thee, thou'rt welcome, wife, bid the widow welcome the same way again.  Sam. 
I am a Gentleman now too, by my father's occupation, and I see no reason but I may kiss a widow by my Father's Copy, truly I think the Charter is not against it, surely these are the words, the Son once a Gentleman, may revel it, though his father were a dauber, 'tis about the 15 page,— I'll to her—  Lucre. 
You're not very busy now, a word with thee sweet widow—  Sam. 
coads-nigs, I was never so disgraced, since the hour my mother whipped me.  Luc. 
Beside, I have no child of mine own to care for, she's my second wife, old, past bearing, clap sure to him widow, he's like to be my heir I can tell you?  Curt. 
Is he so sir?  Luc. 
He knows it already and the knaves proud on't, jolly rich widows have been offered him here i'th' City, great merchants wives, and do you think he would once look upon 'em? forsooth he'll none, you are beholding to him i'th' Country then; ere we could be, nay, i'll hold a wager widow if he were once known to be in town, he would be presently sought after, nay and happy were they, that could catch him first.  Curt. 
I think so?  Luc. 
Oh, there would be such running to and fro widow, he should not pass the streets for 'em: he'd be took up in one great house or other presently, fah, they know he has it & must have it; you see this house here widow, this house and all comes to him, goodly Rooms ready furnished, seeled with plaster of paris, and all hung above with cloth of arras. Nephew!  Wit. 
Sir—  Luc. 
Show the widow your house, carry her into all the Rooms, and bid her welcome,— you shall see widow— Nephew?— strike all sure above and thou be'st a good boy— ah—  Wit. 
Alas sir, I know not how she would take it:  Luc. 
The right way I warrant tee, a pox, art an ass, would I were in thy stead, get you up, I am a shamed of you, so: let 'em agree as they will now? many a match has been struck up in my house a this fashion, let 'em try all manner of ways still there's nothing like an uncles house to strike the stroke in,— I'll hold my wife in talk a little, now Ginnee; your son there goes a-wooing to a poor Gentlewoman but of a 1000. portion, see my Nephew, a lad of less hope, strikes at four hundred a year in good Rubbish.  Wif. 
Well we must do as we may sir.  Lucr. 
I'll have his money ready told for him, again he come down, let me see too, byth' mass I must present the widow with some jewel, a good piece a plate or such a device, 'twill hearten her on well, I have a very fair standing cup, and a good high standing cup will please a widow above all other pieces.  Exit. Wif. 
Do you mock us with your Nephew, I have a plot in my head son, i'faith husband to cross you.  Sam. 
Is it a tragedy plot, or a comedy plot, good mother.  Wif. 
'tis a plot shall vex him, I charge you of my blessing Son Sam, that you presently withdraw the Action of your love from Master Hoards Niece.  Sam. 
How mother.  Wif. 
Nay I have a plot in my head i'faith, here take this chain of gold and this fair diamond, dog me the widow home to her lodging, and at thy best opportunity fasten 'em both upon her— nay I have a Reach, I can tell you thou art known what thou art son among the right worshipful; all the twelve companies.  Sam. 
Truly I thank 'em for it.  Wif. 
He, he's a scab to thee, and so certify her, thou hast two hundred a year of thyself, beside thy good parts— a proper person and a lovely, if I were a widow I could find in my heart to have thee myself, son, ay, from 'em all.  Sam. 
Thank you for your good will mother, but in deed I had rather have a Stranger: and if I woe her not in that Violent fashion, that I will make her be glad to take these gifts ere I leave her, let me never be called the heir of your body.  Wif. 
Nay I know there's enough in you son if you once come to put it forth.  Sam. 
I'll quickly make a Bolt, or a shaft on't.  Exeunt. Enter Hoord and Monylove. Mo. 
Faith Master Hoord, I have bestowed many months in the Suit of your Niece, such was the dear love I ever bore to her virtues, but since she hath so extremely denied me, I am to lay out for my fortunes else where.  Hoor. 
Heaven forbid but you should fir, I ever told you my Niece, stood otherwise affected.  Mo. 
I must confess you did sir, yet in regard of my great loss of time, and the zeal with which I sought your Niece, shall I desire one favour of your worship.  Hoo. 
In regard of those two 'tis hard but you shall sir.  Mon. 
I shall rest grateful, 'tis not full 3. hours sir, since the happy rumour of a rich Country widow came to my hearing.  Hoo. 
How a rich Country widow?  Mon. 
four hundred a year landed.  Hoo. 
Yea?  Mon. 
Most firm sir, and I have learned her lodging, here my suit begins sir, if I might but entreat your worship to be a countenance for me, and speak a good word: for your words will pass, I nothing doubt, but I might set fair for the widow, nor shall your labour sir end altogether in thanks, two hundred Angels—  Hoo. 
So, so, what suitors has she?  Mon. 
There lies the comfort sir, the report of her is yet but a whisper, and only solicited by young Riotous Wit-good, Nephew to your mortal adversary.  Hoo. 
Ha? art certain he's her suitor?  Mon. 
Most certain sir, and his Uncle very industrious to beguile the widow, and make up the match!  Hoo 
So? very good?  Mon. 
Now sir you know this young Wit-good is a spendthrift— dissolute fellow.  Hoo. 
A very Rascal:  Mon. 
A midnight surfeiter.  Hoo. 
The spume of a brothelhouse.  Mon. 
True sir? which being well told in your worships phrase, may both heave him out of her mind, and drive a fair way for me to the widows affections.  Hoo. 
Attend me about 5.  Mon. 
With my best care sir.  Exit. Hoo. 
Fool thou hast left thy treasure with a thief, to trust a widower with a suit in love, happy revenge I hug thee, I have not only the means laid before me, extremely to cross my adversary, and confound the last hopes of his Nephew, but thereby to enrich my state; augment my revenues, and build mine own fortunes greater, ha, ha.  
I'll mar your phrase, o'erturn your flatteries,  
Undo your windings, policies, and plots,  
Fall like a secret and dispatchful plague on your secured comforts, why I am able to buy 3. of Lucer, thrice outbid him, let my out-monies be reckoned and all.  Enter three Creditors. 1. 
I am glad of this news.  2. 
So are we by my faith.  3. 
Young Wit-good will be a gallant again now.  Hoo. 
Peace?  1. 
I promise you Master Cockpit she's a mighty rich widow.  2. 
Why have you ever heard of her.  1. 
Who widow Medler, she lies open too much rumour.  3. 
four hundred a year they say in very good land.  1. 
Nay take't of my word if you believe that, you believe the least.  2. 
And to see how close he keeps it.  1. 
Oh sir there's policy in that to prevent better suitors.  3. 
He owes me a hundred pound, and I protest I near looked for a penny.  1. 
He little dreams of our coming, he'll wonder to see his creditors upon him.  Exeunt. Hoo. 
Good, his creditors, i'll follow, this makes for me, all know the widows wealth & 'tis well known, I can estate her fairly, I and will.  
In this one chance shines a twice happy Fate,  
I both deject my foe, and raise my state.  Music. Exit.  

Incipit ACT. 3.  Wit-good with his Creditors. Wit. 
Why alas, my Creditors? could you find no other time to undo me but now, rather your malice appears in this then the justness of the debt.  1. 
Master Wit-good I have forborn my money long.  Wit. 
I pray speak low sir, what do you mean?  2. 
We hear you are to be married suddenly to a rich Country widow?  Wit. 
What can be kept so close but you creditors here on't, well, 'tis a lamentable state, that our chiefest afflicters should first hear of our fortunes, why this is no good course i'faith sirs, if ever you have hope to be satisfied, why do you seek to confound the means that should work it, there's neither piety, no nor policy in that, shine favourably now, why I may rise and spread again, to your great comforts.  1. 
He says true i'faith.  Wit. 
Remove me now, and I consume for ever.  2. 
Sweet Gentleman?  Wit. 
How can it thrive which from the Sun you sever.  3. 
It cannot indeed?  Wit. 
Oh then show patience, I shall have enough to satisfy you all.  1. 
ay, if we could be content a shame take us.  Wit. 
For look you, I am but newly sure yet to the widow, & what a Rend might this discredit make: within these 3. days will I bind you lands for your securities.  1. 
No, good Master Wit-good,  
Would 'twere as much as we dare trust you with?  Wit. 
I know you have been kind, however now either by wrong report, or false incitement your gentleness is injured, in such a state as this a man cannot want foes.  
If on the sudden he begin to rise,  
No man that lives can count his enemies.  
You had some intelligence I warrant ye, from an ill-willer.  2. 
Faith we heard you brought up a rich widow sir, and were suddenly to marry her.  Wit. 
ay, why there it was, I knew 'twas so, but since you are so well resolved of my faith toward you, let me be so much favoured of you, I beseech you all—  All. 
Oh, it shall not need i'faith sir,—  Wit. 
As to lie still a while, and bury my debts in silence, till I be fully possessed of the widow, for the truth is, I may tell you as my friends—  All. 
Oh— o— o—  Wit. 
I am to raise a little money in the City, toward the setting forth of myself, for mine own credit, and your comfort, now if my former debts should be divulged, all hope of my proceedings were quite extinguished!  1. 
Do you hear sir, I may deserve your custom hereafter, pray let my money be accepted before a stranger's, here's forty pound I received as I came to you, if that may stand you in any stead make use on't, nay pray sir, 'tis at your service—  Wit. 
You do so ravish me with kindness, that I'm constrained, to play the maid and take it?  1. 
Let none of them see it I beseech you.  Wit. 
Fah—  1. 
I hope I shall be first in your remembrance after the marriage rites.  Wit. 
Believe it firmly.  1. 
So, what do you walk sirs?  2. 
I go— take no care sir for money to furnish you, within this hour i'll send you sufficient: come Master Cockpit we both stay for you.  3. 
I ha' lost a ring i'faith, i'll follow you presently— but you shall find it sir, I know your youth and expenses have disfurnished you of all jewels, there's a Ruby of twenty pound price sir, bestow it upon your widow,— what man, 'twill call up her blood to you, beside if I might so much work with you, I would not have you beholding to those bloodsuckers for any money.  Wit. 
Not I believe it.  3. 
theyare a brace of cut-throats?  Wit. 
I know 'em.  3. 
Send a note of all your wants to my shop and i'll supply you instantly.  Wit. 
Say you so, why here's my hand then no man living shall do't but thyself.  3. 
Shall I carry it away from 'em both then.  Wit. 
i'faith shalt thou?  3. 
Troth then I thank you sir.  Wit.. 
Welcome good master Cockpit!  Exit. 
ha, ha, ha? why is not this better now, then lying a-bed, I perceive there's nothing conjures up wit sooner than poverty, and nothing lays it down sooner than wealth and lechery? this has some savour yet, oh that I had the mortgage from mine Uncle as sure in possession as these trifles, I would forswear Brothel at noon day, and Muscadine and eggs at midnight.  Enter Courtesan. Curt. 
Master Wit-good? where are you?  Witt. 
Holla.  Cur. 
Rich News!  Wit. 
Would 'twere all in Plate,  Cur. 
There's some in chains and jewels, I am so haunted with suitors Master Wit-good, I know not which to dispatch first.  Wit. 
You have the better term by my faith  Cur. 
Among the number, one Master Hoard an Ancient Gentleman.  Wit. 
Upon my life my uncles adversary.  Cur. 
It may well hold so, for he rails on you,  
Speaks shamefully of him.  Wit. 
As I could wish it.  Cur. 
I first denied him, but so cunningly,  
It rather promised him assured hopes,  
Than any loss of labour.  Wit. 
Excellent,  Cur. 
I expect him every hour, with Gentlemen,  
With whom he labours to make good his words,  
To approve you Riotous, your state consumed, your Uncle,—  Wit. 
Wench, make up thy own fortunes now, do thyself a good turn once in thy Days, he's rich in money, movables, and lands,— marry him, he's an old doting fool, and that's worth all, marry him, 'twould be a great comfort to me to see thee do well i'faith,— marry him, 'twould ease my conscience well to see thee well bestowed, I have a care of thee i'faith.  Cur. 
Thanks sweet master Wit-good.  Wit. 
I reach at farther happiness; first I am sure it can be no harm to thee, and there may happen goodness to me by it, prosecute it well, let's send up for out wits, now we require their best and most pregnant Assistance!  Cur. 
Step in, I think I hear 'em.  Exit. Enter Hoord and Gentlemen with the Host,— servingman. Hoo. 
Art thou the widows man, by my faith sh' as a company of proper men then.  Host. 
I am the worst of six sir, good enough for blue-coats.  Ho. 
Hark hither, I hear say thou art in most credit with her.  Host. 
Not so sir.  Hoo. 
Come, come, thou'rt modest, there's a Brace of royals, prithee help me toth' speech of her.  Hos. 
I'll do what I may sir always saving myself harmless.  Hoo. 
Go too do't I say, thou shalt hear better from me.  Hos. 
Is not this a better place than 5. Mark a year standing wages; say a man had but 3. such clients in a day, methinks he might make a poor living on't, beside I was never brought up with so little honesty, to refuse any man's money never; what gulls there are a this side the world, now know I the widows mind, none but my young master comes in her clutches, ha, ha, ha.  Exit. Hoo. 
Now my dear Gentlemen stand firmly to me, you know his follies, and my worth.  1. 
we do sir.  2. 
But Master Hoord, are you sure he is not i'th' house now?  Hoo. 
upon my honesty I chose this time,  
A purpose, fit, the spendthrift is abroad,  
Assist me: here she comes. now my sweet widow,  Cur. 
youare welcome Master Hoord.  Hoo. 
Dispatch, sweet Gentlemen, dispatch,  
I am come widow, to prove those my words,  
Neither of envy Sprung nor of false tongues,  
But such as their deserts and Actions,  
Do merit and bring forth, all which these Gentlemen well known and better reputed will confess.  Cur. 
I cannot tell,  
How my affections may dispose of me,  
But surely if they find him so desertless,  
They'll have that reason to withdraw themselves.  
And therefore Gentlemen I do entreat you,  
As you are fair in Reputation,  
And in appearing form so shine in truth;  
I am a widow and alas you know,  
Soon overthrown, 'tis a very small thing,  
That we withstand, our weakness is so great,  
Be partial unto neither, but deliver,  
Without affection your opinion,  Hoo. 
And that will drive it home,  Cur 
Nay I beseech your silence Master Hoord,  
You are a party.  Ho. 
Widow? not a word!  1. 
The better first to work you to belief,  
Know neither of us owe him flattery,  
Nor other malice, but unbribed censure,  
So help us our best fortunes.  Cur. 
It suffices?  1. 
That Wit-good is a riotous undone man,  
Imperfect both in fame and in estate:  
His debts wealthier than he, and executions  
In wait for his due body, we'll maintain  
With our best credit, and our dearest blood.  Curt. 
Nor land, nor living say you, pray take heed you do not wrong the Gentleman?  1. 
What we speak,  
Our lives and means are ready to make good.  Cur. 
Alas, how soon are we poor souls beguiled!  2. 
And for his Uncle.—  Ho. 
Let that come to me,  
His Uncle a severe extortioner,  
A Tyrant at a forfeiture, greedy of others miseries,  
One that would undo his brother; nay swallow  
Up his father, if he can  
Within the fathoms of his conscience.  1. 
Nay believe it widow,  
You had not only matched yourself to wants,  
But in an evil and unnatural stock.  Hoo. 
Follow hard, Gentlemen, follow hard?  Curt. 
Is my love so deceived, before you all  
I do renounce him, on my knees I vow  
He near shall marry me,—  Wit. 
Heaven knows he never meant it?  Hoo. 
There, take her at the bound,—  1. 
Then with a new and pure affection,  
Behold you Gentleman, grave, kind and rich:  
A match worthy yourself, esteeming him,  
You do regard your state.  Hoo. 
I'll make her a jointure say.  1. 
He can join land to land, and will possess you of what you can desire.  2. 
Come widow come.  Curt. 
The world is so deceitful?  1. 
There 'tis deceitful,  
Where flattery, want, and imperfection lies:  
But none of these in him? push—  Curt. 
Pray sir.  1. 
Come you widows are ever most backward, when you should do yourselves most good, but were it to marry a chin not worth a hair now, than you would be forward enough? come, clap hands, a match.  Hoo. 
With all my heart widow, thanks Gentlemen,  
I will deserve your labour, and thy love.  Cur. 
Alas, you love not widows but for wealth,  
I promise you I ha' nothing sir,  Hoo. 
Well said, widow, well said, thy Love is all I seek, before these Gentlemen.  Cur. 
Now I must hope the best,  Hoo. 
My joys are such they want to be expressed,  Cur. 
But Master Hoord, one thing I must remember you of before these gentlemen your friends, how shall I suddenly avoid the loathed soliciting of that perjured Wit-good, and his Tedious— dissembling Uncle, who this very very day hath appointed a meeting for the same purpose too, where had not truth come forth I had been undone, utterly undone.  Hoo 
What think you of that Gentlemen.  1. 
'twas well devised.  Hoo. 
Hark thee widow, train out young Wit-good single, hasten him thither with thee, somewhat before the hour where at the place appointed these Gentlemen and myself will wait the opportunity, when by some sleight removing him from thee we'll suddenly enter and surprise thee, carry thee away by boat to Coale-harbour, have a Priest ready and there Clap it up instantly, how lik'st it widow?  Cur. 
In that it pleaseth you, it likes me well.  Hoo. 
I'll kiss thee for those words, come. Gentlemen,  
Still must I live a Suitor to your favours,  
Still to your aid beholding.  1. 
We're engaged sir.  
'tis for our credits now to see't well ended.  Hoo. 
'tis for your honours Gentlemen; nay look to't,  
Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel,  
No more sweet widow, but sweet wife, farewell.  Cur. 
Farewell sir.—  Exeunt. Enter Wit-good. Wit. 
Oh for more scope, I could laugh eternally,  
Give you joy Mistress Hoord, I promise your fortune was good forsooth, you'ave fell upon wealth enough, and there's young Gentlemen enough can help you to the rest; now it requires our wits: carry thyself but heedfully now, and we are both—  Host. 
Master Wit-good your Uncle—  Enter Lucre? Wit. 
Cuds me, remove thyself a while, i'll serve for him?  Luc. 
Nephew, good morrow, Nephew?  Wit. 
The same to you kind Uncle.  Luc. 
How fares the widow, does the meeting hold?  Wit. 
Oh no question of that sir?  Luc. 
I'll strike the stroke then for thee, no more days.  Wit. 
The sooner the better Uncle, oh she's mightily followed,—  Lucre. 
And yet so little rumoured.  Wit. 
Mightily? here comes one old Gentleman, and he'll make her a jointure of three hundred a year forsooth, another wealthy suitor will estate his son in his life time, and make him weigh down the widow, here a Merchant's son will possess, her with no less than three goodly Lordships at once, which were all pawns to his Father.  Luc. 
Peace Nephew let me hear no more of 'em, it mads me, thou shalt prevent 'em all, no words to the widow of my coming hither, let me see, 'tis now upon nine, before twelve. Nephew we will have the bargain struck, we will faith boy.  Wit. 
Oh my precious Uncle.  Exit. Hoord and his Niece. Hoo. 
Niece, sweet Niece, prithee have a care to my house, I leave all to thy discretion, be content to dream a while, i'll have a husband for thee shortly, put that care upon me wench, for in choosing wives and husbands I am only fortunate, I have that gift given me.  Exit. Niece. 
But 'tis not likely you should choose for me,  
Since Nephew to your chiefest enemy:  
Is he whom I affect, but oh forgetful,  
Why dost thou flatter thy affections so:  
With name of him, that for a widows bed,  
Neglects thy purer love, can in be so?  
Or does report dissemble: how now sir?  Geo. 
A letter with which came a private charge.  Nee. 
Therein I thank your care— I know this hard,  Reads. 
Dearer than sight, what the world reports of me yet believe not, rumour will alter shortly, be thou constant, I am still the same that I was in love, and I hope to be the same in fortunes.  
Theodorus Wit-good.  
I am resolved, no more shall fear or doubt,  
Raise their pale powers to keep affection out.  Exit. Enter with a Drawer, Hoord, and two Gentlemen. Dra. 
You're very welcome Gentlemen, Dick show those Gentlemen the pomegranate there,—  Hoo. 
Hist—  Dra. 
Up those stairs Gentlemen.  Hoo. 
Pist Drawer,—  Dra. 
Anon sir?  Hoo. 
prithee ask at the Bar, if a gentlewoman came not in lately?  Dra. 
William at the Bar did you see any Gentlewoman come in lately, speak you ay, speak you no.  Within. 
No, none came in yet but mistress Florence.  Dra. 
He says none came in yet sir, but one Mistress Florence.  Hoo. 
What is that Florence? a widow!  Dra. 
Yes a Dutch widow.  Hoo. 
How?  Dra. 
That's an English drab sir, give your worship good morrow.  Hoo. 
A merry knave i'faith, I shall remember a dutch widow the longest day of my life.  1. 
Did not I use most art to win the widow.  2. 
You shall pardon me for that sir, Master Hoord knows I took her at best vantage.  Hoo. 
What's that sweet Gentlemen, what's that?  2. 
He will needs bear me down that his art only, wrought with the widow most.  Hoo. 
Oh you did both well Gentlemen, you did both well, I thank you.  1. 
I was the first that moved her.  Hoo. 
You were i'faith.  2. 
But it was I that took her at the bound.  Hoo. 
ay, that was you, faith Gentlemen, 'tis right.  3. 
I boasted least, but 'twas I joined their hands,  Hoo. 
Byth' mass I think he did, you did all well gentlemen, you did all well, contend no more:  1. 
Come you rooms fittest:  Ho. 
True 'tis next the door?  Exit. Enter Wit-g: Curt: and Host. Dra. 
Your very welcome, please you to walk up stairs clothes laid sir.  Curt. 
Up stairs! troth I am weary Master Wit-good  Wit. 
Rest yourself here a while widow, we'll have a cup of Muscadine in this little Room.  Dra 
A cup of Muscadine, you shall have the best sir.  Wit. 
But do you hear sirrah.  Dra. 
Do you call, anon sir.  Wit. 
What is there provided for dinner  Dra. 
I cannot readily tell you sir, if you please, you may go into the kitchen and see yourself sir, many Gentlemen of worship do use to do it, I assure you sir?  Host. 
A pretty familiar Priggin rascal, he has his part without book?  Wit. 
Against you are ready to drink to me, widow, i'll be present to pledge you.  Curt. 
Nay I commend your care, 'tis done well of you? ass what have I forgot.  Host. 
What Mistress?  Curt. 
I slipped my wedding Ring off when I washed, and left it at my lodging, prithee run, I shall be sad without it, so, he's gone!— boy?  Boy. 
Anon forsooth?  Cur. 
Come hither sirrah, learn secretly if one Master Hoard an ancient Gentleman be about house?  Boy. 
I heard such a one named.  Cur. 
Commend me to him.  Enter Hoord with Gentlemen. Hoo. 
I be do thy commendations?  Cur. 
Oh you come well: away, to boat, be gone.  Hoo. 
Thus wisemen are revenged give two for one.  Exeunt. Enter Wit-good and Vintner. Wit. 
I must request you sir, to show extraordinary care, my Uncle comes with Gentlemen his friends, and 'tis upon a making?  Vin. 
Is it so?  
I'll give a special charge good Master Wit-good, may I be bold to see her?  Wit. 
Who he widow?  
With all my heart i'faith, i'll bring you to her?  Vin. 
If she be a Staffordshire Gentlewoman, 'tis much if I know her not,—  Wit. 
How now, boy, drawer.  Vin. 
Hie?  Boy. 
Do you call sir?  Wit. 
Went the Gentlewoman up that was here?  Boy. 
Up sir? she went out sir.  Wit. 
Out sir?  Boy. 
Out sir: one Master Hoard with a guard of Gentlemen carried her out at backdoor, a pretty while since sir.  Wit. 
Hoord, death and darkness, Hoord.  Enter Host. Host. 
The devil of ring I can find?  Wit. 
How now, what news, where's the widow?  Host. 
My Mistress? is she not here sir?  Wit. 
More madness yet.  Host. 
she sent me for a Ring.  Witt. 
A plot, a plot: to Boat she's stole away.  Host. 
What?  Enter Lucre with Gentlemen. Witt. 
Follow, inquire, old Hoord my uncles Adversary—  Lucr. 
Nephew, what's that?  Witt. 
Thrice miserable wretch.  Lucr. 
Why what's the matter?  Vint. 
The widow's borne away sir?  Lucr. 
Ha, passion of me, a heavy welcome Gentlemen.  1. 
The widow gone?  Luc. 
Who durst attempt it?  Wit. 
Who but old Hoord, my uncles adversary?  Luc. 
How?  Witt. 
With his confederates.  Luc. 
Hoord, my deadly enemy, Gentlemen stand to me,  
I will not bear it, 'tis in hate of me,  
That villain seeks my shame, nay thrifts my blood, he owes me mortal malice,  
I'll spend my wealth on this despiteful plot,  
Ere he shall cross me and my Nephew thus.  Wit. 
So maliciously.  Enter Host. Luc. 
How now you treacherous Rascal?  Host. 
That's none of my name sir.  Wit. 
Poor soul he knew not on't.  Luc. 
I'm sorry, I see then 'twas a mere plot.  Host. 
I traced 'em nearly.—  Luc. 
Well.  Host. 
And hear for certain, they have took Coleharbour.  Luc. 
The devils Sanctuary,  
They shall not rest, I'll pluck her from his arms,  
Kind & dear Gentlemen, if ever I had seat within your breasts—  1. 
No more good sir, it is a wrong to us,  
To see you injured in a cause so just:  
we'll spend our lives, but we will right our friends,  Lu. 
Honest, and kind, come, we have delayed too long,  
Nephew take comfort; a Just cause is strong.  Exeunt. Wit. 
That's all my comfort Uncle, ha, ha, ha.  
Now may events fall luckily, and well,  
He that near strives, says wit shall near excel.  Eixt. Enter Dampit, the Usurer drunk▪ Dam. 
When did I say my prayers? In Anno 88. when the great Armado was coming, and In Anno. 99. when the great Thundering and Lighting was I prayed heartily then i'faith, to overthrow Poouyes new buildings, I kneeled by my great iron chest I remember.  Au. 
Master Dampit, one may hear you, before they see you, you keep sweet hours Master Dampit, we were all a-bed 3 hours ago.  Dam. 
Audry.  Au. 
Oh you're a fine Gentleman.  Dam. 
So I am i'faith, and a fine Scholar, do you use to go to bed Bed, so early Audry?  Au. 
Call you this early Master Dampit.  Dam. 
Why be't not one of Clock i'th' morning is not that early enough? fetch me a glass of fresh-beer.  Au. 
Here, I have warmed your Nightcap for you master Dampit.  Dam. 
Draw it on then— I am very weak truly, I have not eaten so much as the bulk of an Egg these 3. days.  Au. 
You have drunk the more Master Dampit,  Dam. 
What's that?  Au. 
You mought, and you would Master Dampit.  Dam. 
I answer you I cannot, hold your prating, you prat too much, and understand too little, are you answered,— give me a glass of bear.  Au. 
May I ask you how you do Master Dampit?  Dam. 
How do I? i'faith nought.  Au. 
I near knew you do otherwise,  Dam. 
I eat not one pen'orth of bread these 2. years, give me a glass of fresh beer,— I am not sick, nor I am not well.—  Au. 
Take this warm napkin about your neck sir, whilst I help to make you unready.  Damp. 
How now Audrie-prater, with your scurvy devices, what say you now?  Aud. 
What say I Master Dampit? I say nothing but that you are very weak,  Dam. 
Faith thou hast more coney catching devices then all London?  Aud. 
Why Master Dampit I never deceived you in all my life?  Dam. 
Why was that? because I never did trust thee.  Aud. 
I care not what you say Master Dampit?  Dam. 
Hold thy prating, I answer thee, thou art a beggar, a quean, and a bawd: are you answered.  Aud. 
Fie Master Dampit, a Gentleman and have such words.  Dam. 
Why thou base drudge of infortunity, thou kitchen-stuff drab of Beggary, Roguery & coxcombry, thou Cavern-fed quean of foolery, knavery and bawdreaminy, i'll tell thee what, I will not give a louse for thy fortunes:  Aud. 
No, master Dampit, and there's a Gentleman comes a-wooing to me, and he doubts nothing but that you will get me from him:  Dam: 
ay, if I would either have thee or lie with thee for two thousand pound, would I might be damned, why thou base impudent quean of foolery, flattery, and coxcombry, are you answered?  Aud. 
Come will you rise and go to bed sir?  Dam. 
Rise, and go to bed too Audry? how does mistress Proserpine?  Aud: 
Fooh—  Dam: 
She's as fine a philosopher of a stinkard's wife, as any within the liberties,— fah, fah Audry:  Aud: 
How now Master Dampit?  Dam. 
Fie upon't, what a choice of stinks here is, what hast thou done Audry fie upon't, here's a choice of stinks indeed; give me a glass of fresh Beer, and then I will to bed:  Aud: 
It waits for you above sir?  Dam: 
Foh, I think they burn horns in Barnard's Inn, if ever I smelled such an abominable stink, usury forsake me:  Aud. 
They be the stinking nails of his trampling feet, and he talks of burning of horns:  Exit.  

Incipit ACT. 4.  Enter at Cole-harbour, Hoord, the Widow and Gentlemen, he married now. 1. 
join hearts, join hands, In wedlock's bands,  
Never to part, till death cleave your heart,  
You shall forsake all other women,  
You Lords, Knights, Gentlemen, and Yeomen.  
What my tongue slips, make up with your lips.  Hoor. 
Give you joy Mistress Hoord, let the kiss come about,  
Who knocks? convey my little Pig-eater out.  Luc. 
Hoord?  Hoor, 
Upon my life, my adversary, Gentlemen.  Luc. 
Hoord, open the door, or we will force it ope,  
Give us the widow.  Hoor. 
Gentlemen keep'em out.  Lamp. 
He comes upon his death that enters here.  Luc. 
My friends assist me.  Hoor. 
He has assistants, Gentlemen.  Lamp. 
Tut, nor him, nor them, we in this action fear.  Luc. 
Shall I in peace, speak one word with the widow?  Curt. 
Husband and Gentlemen, hear me but a word.  Hoor. 
Freely sweet wife.  Curt. 
Let him in peaceably, you know we're sure, from any act of his.  Hoor. 
Most true,  Lu. 
You may stand by and smile at his old weakness, let me alone to answer him.  Hoo. 
Content,  
'twill be good mirth i'faith, how think you Gentlemen?  Lamp. 
Good gullery?  Hoo. 
Upon calm conditions let him in.  Luc. 
All spite and malice—  Lamp. 
Hear me Master Lucre, so you will vow a peaceful entrance with those your friends and only exercise  
Calm conference with the widow, without fury,  
The passage shall receive you.  Enter Lucre. Lu. 
I do vow it.  Lamp. 
Then enter and talk freely, here she stands.  Lu. 
Oh Master Hoord, your spite has watched the hour, your excellent at vengeance Master Hoord.  Hoor 
Ha, ha, ha.  Luc. 
I am the fool you laugh at, you are wise sir and know the seasons, well, come hither widow, why is it thus!  
Oh you have done me infinite disgrace,  
And your own credit no small Injury,  
Suffer mine enemy so despitefully  
To bear you from my Nephew, oh,  
I had rather half my substance had been forfeit, and begged by some starved Rascal.  Curti. 
Why what would you wish me do sir?  
I must not overthrow my state for love,  
We have too many precedents for that,  
From thousands of our wealthy undone widows  
One may derive some wit; I do confess,  
I loved your Nephew, nay I did affect him,  
Against the mind and liking of my friend:  
Believed his promises, lay here in hope,  
Of flattered living and the boast of lands,  
Coming to touch his wealth and state indeed,  
It appears dross, I find him not the man,  
Imperfect, mean, scarce furnished of his needs:  
In words, fair Lordships, in performance Hovels,  
Can any woman love the thing that is not?  Luc. 
Broke you for this?  Curt. 
Was it not cause too much?  
Send to inquire his state, most part of it,  
Lay two years mortgaged in his uncles hands:  Luc: 
Why say it did, you might have known my mind; I could have soon restored it.  Cur. 
I had I but seen any such thing performed why 'twould have tied my affection and contained me in my first desires, do you think i'faith, that I could twine such a dry, oak as this, had promise in your Nephew took effect:  Luc: 
Why and there's no time past, and rather than my adversary should thus thwart my hopes, I would—  Curt. 
But you'ave been ever full of golden speech,  
If words were lands, your Nephew would be rich.  Lu. 
Widow, believe it I vow by my best bliss,  
Before these Gentlemen I will give in  
The mortgage to my Nephew instantly,  
Before I sleep or eat.  1. 
we'll pawn our credit's widow, what he speaks shall be performed in fullness.  Luc: 
Nay more I will estate him  
In farther blessings, he shall be my heir,  
I have no Son,  
I'll bind myself to that condition.  Cur. 
When I shall hear this done, I shall soon yield, to reasonable terms.  Lu. 
In the mean season,  
Will you protest before these Gentlemen,  
To keep yourself, as you are, now at this present.  Curt. 
I do protest before these Gentlemen,  
I will be as clear then, as I am now.  Lu: 
I do believe you, here's your own honest servant,  
I'll take him along with me.  Cur. 
ay, with all my heart.  Luc: 
He shall see all performed and bring you word.  Cur. 
That's all I wait for.  Hoo. 
What have you finished Master Lucre? ha, ha, ha, ha!  Lucre. 
So, laugh Hoord, laugh at your poor enemy, do, the wind may turn you may be laughed at too, yes marry may you sir— ha, ha, ha?  Exeunt. Hoo. 
Ha, ha ha, if every man that swells in malice,  
Could be revenged as happily as I:  
He would choose hate, and forswear amity.  
What did he say wife, prithee?  Cur. 
Faith spoke to ease his mind,—  Hoo. 
Oh— o— o—  Cur. 
You know now, little to any purpose.  Hoo. 
True, true, true.  Cur. 
He would do mountains now.  Hoo. 
ay, ay, ay, I.  Lamp. 
Y'ave struck him dead Master Hoord.  Spich. 
I and his Nephew desperate:  Hoo. 
I know't sirs I,  
Never did man so crush his enemy?  Exeunt. Enter Lucre with Gentlemen meeting Same Free-dome. Lu. 
My son in law,  
Same Freedom? where's my Nephew?  Sam. 
O man in lamentation father?  Lu. 
How!  Sa. 
He thumps his breast like a gallant Dicer that has lost his doublet, and stands in's shirt to do penance:  Lu. 
Alas poor gentleman.  Sam. 
I warrant, you may hear him sigh in a still evening to your house at Highgate.  Lu. 
I prithee send him in.  Sam. 
Were it to do a greater matter, I will not stick with you sir, in regard you married my Mother?  Lu: 
Sweet Gentlemen cheer him up, I will but fetch the mortgage, and return to you instantly.  Exit. 1. 
we'll do our best sir?— see where he comes,  
E'en joyless and regardless of all form.  2. 
Why how Master Wit-good, fie, you a firm scholar, and an understanding Gentleman, and give your best parts to passion.  1. 
Come fie?  Wit: 
Oh Gentlemen!—  1: 
Sorrow of me what a sigh was there sir, nine such widows are not worth it.  Wit. 
To be borne from me by that lecher Hoord.  1. 
That vengeance is your uncles, being done  
More in despite to him, then wrong to you,  
But we bring comfort now,—  Wit. 
I beseech you Gentlemen.  2. 
Cheer thyself man, there's hope of her i'faith?  Wit. 
too gladsome, to be true.  Enter Lucre. Luc: 
Nephew what cheer? alas poor Gentleman how art thou changed? call thy fresh blood into thy cheeks again, she comes—  Wit. 
Nothing afflicts me so much,  
But that it is your Adversary, Uncle,  
And merely plotted in despite of you.  Luc. 
I that's it mads me, spites me? i'll spend my wealth, ere he shall carry her so, because I know 'tis only to spite me, I this is it,— here Nephew, before these kind Gentlemen I deliver in your mortgage, my promise to the widow, see 'tis done, be wise your once more Master of your own, the widow shall perceive now, you are not altogether such a beggar as the world reputes you, you can make shift to bring her to 300. a year sir.  1. 
by’r lady and that's no toy sir:  Lu: 
A word Nephew?  1. 
Now you may certify the widow?  Luc: 
You must conceive it a right Nephew now, to do you good, I am content to do this.  Wit. 
I know it sir?  Luc. 
But your own conscience can tell I had it dearly enough of you?  Wit. 
I that's most certain.  Luc. 
Much money laid out, beside many a journey to fetch the rent, I hope you'll think on't Nephew.  Wit. 
I were worse than a beast else i'faith.  Luc. 
Although to blind the widow and the world I out of policy do't, yet there's a conscience Nephew.  Wit. 
Heaven forbid else.  Luc. 
When you are full possessed,  
'tis nothing to return it:  Wit. 
Alas a thing quickly done Uncle.  Lu. 
Well said,— you know I give it you but in trust.  Wit. 
Pray let me understand you rightly, Uncle,  
You give it me but in trust.  Lu. 
No.  Wit. 
That is, you trust me with it.  Lu. 
True, true:  Wit. 
But if ever I trust you with it again, would I might be trust up for my labour.  Lu. 
You can all witness Gentlemen, and you sir yeoman?  Host. 
My life for yours sir now, I know my mistresses mind to well toward your Nephew, let things be in preparation, and i'll train her hither in most excellent fashion:  Exit. Lu: 
A good old boy,— wife Ginnee?  Enter Wife: Wife, 
What's the news sir?  Lu: 
The wedding days at hand, prithee sweet wife, express thy housewifery, thou'rt a fine Cook I know't, thy first husband married thee out of an Alderman's kitchen, go too, he raised thee for raising of paste, what, here's none but friends, most of our beginnings must be winked at, Gentlemen I invite you all to my nephews wedding against Thursday morning:  1. 
With all our hearts, and we shall joy to see your enemy so mocked:  Lu: 
He laughed at me, gentlemen, ha, ha, ha:  Exeunt: Wit. 
He has no conscience, faith would laugh at them, they laugh at one another?  
Who then can be so cruel, troth, not I,  
I rather pity now, then ought envy,  
I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness, I have no leisure yet, to laugh at their follies.  

Thou soul of my estate I kiss thee,  
I miss life's Comfort when I miss thee.  
Oh never will we part again,  
until I leave the Sight of men,  
We'll near trust conscience of our kin,  
Since Cozenage brings that title in.   Enter three Creditors. 1. 
I'll wait these 7. hours but I'll see him caught,  2. 
Faith so will I.  3. 
Hang him prodigal, he's stripped of the Widow.  1. 
A my Troth she's the wiser, she has made the happier choice, and I wonder of what Stuff those widows hearts are made of, that will marry unfledged Boys, before comely thrumb-chinned Gentlemen.  Enter a Boy. Boy. 
News, news news,  1. 
What boy?  Boy. 
The Rioter is caught.  1. 
So, so, so, so, it warms me at the heart, I love a life to see Dogs upon men; oh here he comes.  Enter Wit-good with Sergeants. Wit. 
My last joy was so great it took away the sense of all future afflictions, what a day is here o'ercast? how soon a black tempest rises?  1. 
Oh we may speak with you now sir, what's become of your rich widow, I think you may cast your cap at the widow, may you not sir.  2. 
He a rich widow? who a prodigal, a daily Rioter, and a nightly vomiter, he a widow of account? he a hole i'th' counter.  Wit. 
You do well my masters, to tyrannize over misery to afflict the afflicted, 'tis a custom you have here amongst you, I would wish you never leave it and I hope you'll do as I bid you  1. 
Come, come sir, what say you extempore now to your bill of a hundred pound: a sweet debt, for frotting your doublets.  2. 
Here's mine of forty,  3. 
Here's mine of fifty.  Wit. 
Pray sirs, you'll give me Breath.  1. 
No sir, we'll keep you out of breath still, than we shall be sure you will not run away from us.  Wit. 
Will you but hear me speak?  2. 
You shall pardon us for that sir, we know you have too fair a tongue of your own, you overcame us to lately, a shame take you, we are like to lose all that for want of witnesses, we dealt in policy then, always when we strive to be most politic we prove most coxcombs, Non plus vltra. I perceive by us, were not ordained to thrive by wisdom, and therefore we must be content to be Tradesmen.  Wit. 
Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I'll make you ample Satisfaction.  1. 
Do you talk of Reasonable time to us?  Wit. 
'tis true, beasts know no reasonable time,  2. 
we must have either money or carcase.  Wit. 
Alas what good will my carcase do you?  3. 
Oh 'tis a Secret delight we have amongst us, we that are used to keep birds in cages, have the heart to keep men in prison, I warrant you.  Wit. 
I perceive I must crave a little more Aid from my wits, do but make shift for me this once, and I'll forswear ever to trouble you in the like fashion hereafter, I'll have better employment for you, and I live. You'll give me leave my masters to make Trial of my friends and raise all means I can.  1. 
That's our desires sir.  Enter Host. Host. 
Master Wit-good.  Wit. 
Oh art thou come!  Host 
May I speak one word with you in private sir?  Wit. 
No by my faith canst thou. I am in hell here and the Devils will not let me Come to thee.  Cit. 
Do you call us devils, you shall find us Puritans bear him away, let 'em talk as they go, we'll not stand to hear 'em, ah sir, am I a devil, I shall think the better of myself as long as I live, a Devil i'faith.  Exeunt. Enter Hoord. Hoo. 
What a Sweet blessing hast thou Master Hoord above a multitude, wilt thou never be thankful? how dost thou think to be blessed another time? or dost thou count this the full measure of thy happiness by my troth I think thou dost: not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content, she's rich, she's young, she's fair, she's wife, when I wake I think of her lands that revives me, when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty, and that's enough for me, she's worth 4. hundred a year in her very smock, if a man knew how to use it, but the journey will be all in troth into the Country, to ride to her Lands in state and order following my Brother & other worshipful Gentlemen whose companies I ha' sent down for already, to ride along with us, in their goodly Decorum beards, their broad Velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice double; against which time, i'll entertain some ten men of mine own, into Liveries, all of occupations or qualities, I will not keep an idle man about me, the sight of which will so vex my Adversary Lucre, for we'll pass by his door of purpose, make a little stand for nonce, & have our horses curvet before the window, certainly he will never endure it, but run up & hang himself presently? how now sirrah? what news? any that offer their service to me yet.  Ser. 
Yes sir, there are some i'th' hall, that wait for your worship's liking, and desire to be entertained.  Hoo. 
Are they of occupation?  Ser. 
They are men fit for your worship sir.  Hoor 
Sayst so? send 'em all in!— to see ten men ride after me in watchet liveries with orange-tawny capes, 'twill cut his comb i'faith, how now? of what occupation are you sir.  Tayl. 
A tailor, an't please your worship.  Enter All. Hoor. 
A tailor, oh very good, you shall serve to make all the Liveries— what are you sir?  Bar. 
A Barber sir.  Hoor. 
A Barber very needful, you shall shave all the house, and if need require stand for a Reaper i'th' Summer time,— You sir?  Per. 
A Perfumer?  Hoo. 
I smelled you before, Perfumers of all men had need carry themselves uprightly, for if they were once knaves they would be smelled out quickly,— to you sir?  Fawl. 
A falconer an't please your worship—  Hoor. 
Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho— and you sir?  Hun. 
A Huntsman sir.  Hoor. 
There boy, there boy, there boy? I am not so old but I have pleasant days to come, I promise you my Masters I take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all, I put you already into my countenance, and you shall be shortly in my livery? but especially you two my jolly falconer, and my bonny huntsman, we shall have most need of you at my wife's Manor-houses i'th' Country, there's goodly parks and Champion-grounds for you, we shall have all our sports within ourselves, all the Gentlemen ath Country shall be beholding to us and our pastimes:  Faul: 
And we'll make you worship admire sir:  Hoo. 
Sayst thou so do but make me admire, and thou shalt want for nothing,— my tailor?  Tayl. 
Anon sir.  Hoo. 
Go presently in hand with the liveries.  Tay. 
I will sir.  Hoo 
My Barber.  Bar. 
Here sir.  Hoo: 
Make 'em all trim fellows, louse 'em well, especially my huntsman, and cut all their beards of the Polonian fashion: my perfumer:  Per: 
Under your nose sir:  Hoo. 
Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the scent of my tailors feet, and my barber's Lotium-water:  Per: 
It shall be carefully performed sir.  Hoo. 
But you my falconer and Huntsman, the welcom'st men alive i'faith:  Hun: 
And we'll show you that sir, shall deserve your worships favour?  Hoo. 
I prithee show me that: go you knaves all, and wash your lungs i'th' Buttery, go— byth' mass, and well remembered, i'll ask my wife that question, wife, mistress jane Hoord!  Enter Courtesan altered in Apparel. Curt: 
Sir? would you with me.  Hoo. 
I would but know sweet wife, which might stand best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i'th' Country?  Curt. 
Hum? faith sir 'twould like me better here, here you were married, here let all rites be ended.  Hoo. 
Could a marquis give a better answer? Hoord bear thy head aloft, thou'st a wife will advance it, what haste comes here now? ye a letter: some dreg of my adversaries malice: come hither, what's the news!  Host. 
A thing that concerns my Mistress sir.  Hoo. 
Why then it concerns me knave?  Host. 
I and you knave too, (cry your worship mercy) you are both like to come into trouble I promise you sir, a precontract  Hoo. 
How a precontract sayst thou?  Host. 
I fear they have too much proof on't sir, old Lucre he runs mad up and down and will to law as fast as he can, young Wit-good laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims upon you a other side, says you have wrought his undoing, by the injurious detaining of his contract.  Hoor. 
Body a me?  Host. 
He will have utmost satisfaction.  
The law shall give him recompense he says.  Curt. 
Alas his creditors so merciless, my state being yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to further him.  Host. 
True sir—  Hoo. 
Wife, what says that letter let me construe it.  Curt. 
Cursed be my rash and unadvised words,  
I'll set my foot upon my tongue,  
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.  Hoo. 
Wife—  Host. 
A pretty shift i'faith, I commend a woman when she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely, and this was cleanly done by my troth.  Cur. 
I did sir?  
Some foolish words I must confess did pass,  
Which, now litigiously he fastens on me.  Hoo. 
Of what force? let me examine 'em.  Cur. 
Too strong I fear, would I were well freed of him.  Hoo, 
Shall I compound?  Curt. 
No sir, i'd have it done some Nobler way  
Of your side; i'd have you come off with honour,  
Let baseness keep with them: why have you not the means sir, the occasions offered you.  Hoo. 
Where? how? dear wife.  Cur. 
He is now caught by his creditors, the slave's needy, his debts petty, he'll rather bind himself, to all inconveniences then rot in prison, by this only means you may get a release from him, 'tis not yet come to his uncles hearing, send speedily for the creditors, by this time he's desperate, he'll set his hand to any thing, take order for his debts, or discharge 'em quite, a pax on him, let's be rid of a rascal.  Hoo. 
Excellent, thou dost astonish me, go, run, make haste, bring both the creditors and Wit-good hither.  Host. 
This will be some revenge yet.  Hoo. 
In the mean space I'll have a release drawne-within there.  1. 
Sir.  Hoo. 
Sirrah, come take derictions, go to my Scrivener.  Cur. 
I'm yet like those, whose riches lie in dreams,  
If I be waked they're false, such is my fate,  
Who ventures deeper than the desperate state.  
Though I have find yet could I become new,  
For where I once vow, I am ever true.  Hoo. 
Away, Dispatch, on my Displeasure, quickly, happy occasion, pray heaven he be in the right Vain now to set his hand to't, that nothing alter him; grant that all his follies may meet in him at once, to besot him enough.  
I pray for him i'faith, and here he comes;  Witt. 
What would you with me now, my uncles spiteful adversary.  Hoo. 
Nay I am friends,  Wit. 
I when your mischiefs spent.  Hoo. 
I heard you were arrested.  Wit. 
Well, what then? you will pay none of my debts I am sure.  Hoo 
A wiseman cannot tell,  
There may be those Conditions 'greed upon,  
May move me to do much,  Witt. 
I when 'tis thou perjured Woman, O no name  
Is vild enough to match thy treachery,  
That art the cause of my confusion.  Cur. 
Out you penurious slave.  Hoo. 
Nay wife you are too froward,  
Let him alone, give losers leave to talk.  Wit. 
Shall I remember thee of another promise far stronger than the first.  Cur. 
I'd fain know that.  Wit. 
'twould call shame to thy cheeks.  Cur. 
Shame.  Wit. 
Hark in your ear.— will he come of thinkst thou, and pay my Debts roundly.  Cur. 
Doubt nothing, there's a Release a drawing and all to which you must set your hand.  Wit. 
Excellent.  Cur. 
But methinks i'faith you might have made some shift to discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, and never have burdened my conscience with it.  Wit. 
A my troth I could not, for my creditor's cruelties extend to the present.  Curt. 
No more,— why do your worst for that, I defy you.  Wit. 
You're impudent, i'll call up witnesses.  Curt. 
Call up thy wits for thou hast been devoted to follies a long time.  Hoor. 
Wife, you're too bitter? Master Wit-good, and you my Masters, you shall hear a mild speech come from me now, and this it is, 'thas been my fortune, Gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me o'late, and here she stands, I have wedded her and bedded her, & yet she is little the worse, some foolish words she hath passed to you in the Country, and some peevish debts you owe here in the City, set the hare's head to the Goose— giblet, release you her of her words, and i'll release you of your debts sir:  Wit. 
Would you so, I thank you for that sir, I cannot blame you i'faith.  Hoo. 
Why are not debts better than words sir?  Wit. 
Are not words promises, and are not promises debts sir.  Hoo. 
He plays at back-Racket with me.  1. 
Come hither Master Wit-good come hither, be ruled by fools once:  2. 
We are Citizens and know what belong to't.  1. 
Take hold of his offer pax on her, let her go, if your debts were once discharged, I would help you to a widow myself worth ten of her.  3. 
Mass partner and now you remember me on't, there's Master Muligrub's sister newly fallen a widow.  1. 
Cuds me, as pat as can be, there's a widow left for you, ten thousand in money, beside Plate, jewels et caetera I warrant it a match, we can do all in all with her, prithee dispatch we'll carry thee to her presently.  Wit. 
My Uncle will near endure me, when he shall hear I set my hand to a release:  2. 
Hark, i'll tell thee a Trick for that, I have spent five hundred pound in suits in my time, I should be wise, thou it now a prisoner, make a release, takte of my word, whatsoever a man makes as long as he is in durance, 'tis nothing in law, not thus much.  Wit. 
Say you so sir?  3. 
I have paid for't I know't.  Wit. 
Proceed then, I consent.  3. 
Why well said:  Hoo. 
How now my Masters, what have you done with him?  1. 
With much ado sir, we have got him to consent.  Hoo. 
Ah— a— a,— and what came his debts to now?  1. 
Some eight score odd pounds sir.  Hoo. 
Nau, nau, nau, nau, naw, tell me the second time, give me a lighter some, they are but desperate debts you know, near called in but upon such an accident, a poor needy knave he would starve and rot in prison, come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the pound and the some down roundly—  1. 
You must make it a mark sir,—  Hoo: 
Go too then, tell your money in the mean time, you shall find little less there,— come Master Wit-good you are so unwilling to do yourself good now, welcome honest Scrivener, now you shall hear the release read,—  Scri. 
Be it known, to all men by these presents, that I Theodorus Wit-good, Gentleman, sole Nephew to Pecunious Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim, to one jane Medler, late widow of Anthony Medler, and now wife to Walkadine Hoord, in consideration of a competent some of money to discharge my debts, do for ever hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or interest in or to the said widow late in the occupation of the said Anthony Medler, and now in the occupation of Walkadine Hoord, as also neither to lay claim, by virtue of any former contract, grant, promise or demise, to any of her Manor, manor-house, Parks, Groves, Meadow-grounds, arable lands, Barns, stacks, Stables, Dove-holes, and coney-burrows, together with all her cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, movables, or immovables in witness whereof I the said Theodorus Wit-good, have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these presents, the day, & date above written.  Wit. 
What a precious fortune hast thou slipped here like a beast as thou art?  Hoo. 
Come, unwilling heart come.  Wit. 
well Master Hoord, give me the pen, I see  
'tis vain to quarrel with our destiny.  Hoo. 
Oh as vain a thing as can be, you cannot commit a greater absurdity sir,— so, so, give me that hand now, before all these presents I am friends for ever with thee.  Wit. 
Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you any grudge i'faith.  Hoo. 
Content, i'll send for thy Uncle against the wedding dinner, we will be friends once again.  Wit. 
I hope to bring it to pass myself sir?  Hoo. 
How now? be't right my masters?  1. 
'tis something wanting sir, yet it shall be sufficient.  Hoo. 
Why well said, a good conscience makes a fine show now a days, come my Masters you shall all— taste of my wine ere you depart.  All. 
We follow you sir?  Wit. 
I'll try these fellows now,— a word sir, what will you carry me to that widow now?  1. 
Why do you think we were in earnest i'faith? carry you to a rich widow, we should get much credit by that; a noted Rioter a contemptible prodigal, 'twas a Trick we have amongst us, to get in our money, fare you well sir.  Exeunt. Wit. 
Farewell and be hanged, you short-pig-haired Ram-headed rascals, he that believes in you, shall near be saved I warrant him, by this new league, I shall have some access unto my love—  She is above. Niece. 
Master Wit-good?  Wit 
My life.  Neec. 
Meet me presently, that note directs you, I would not be suspected our happiness attends us, farewell?  Exeunt. Wit. 
A words enough.  Dampit the Usurer in his bed, Audry spinning by. Song. 

Let the Usurer cram him, in interest that excel,  
There's pits enough to damn him, before he comes to hell.  
In Holborn, some: in Fleet-street some,  
Where ere he come, there's some there's some.   Dam. 
Trahe, traheto, draw the Curtain, give me a sip of Sack more.  Enter Gentlemen. Lamp. 
Look you, did not I tell you he lay like the devil in chains, when he was bound for a thousand year.  Spich. 
But I think the devil had no steel bedstaves, he goes beyond him for that.  Lamp. 
Nay do but mark the conceit of his drinking, one must wipe his mouth for him with a muckender, do you see sir.  Spich. 
Is this the sick trampler, why he is only bedrid with drinking.  Lamp. 
True sir, he spies us.  Dam: 
What? sir Tristram? you come and see a weak man here, a very weak man,—  Lamp. 
If you be weak in body, you should be strong in prayer sir.  Dam: 
Oh, I have prayed too much poor man.  Lamp. 
There's a taste of his soul for you.  Spich. 
Fah, loathsome?  Lamp. 
I come to borrow a hundred pound of you sir.  Dam: 
Alas you come at an ill time, I cannot spare it i'faith,  
I ha' but two thousand i'th' house.  Aud. 
Ha, ha, ha.  Damp: 
Out you gernative quean, the mullipood of villainy, the Spinner of concupiscency.  Enter other Gentleman. Lan. 
Ye gentlemen are you here before us? how is he now?  Lamp. 
Faith the same man still, the Tavern bitch has bit him i'th' head.  Lan: 
we shall have the better sport with him, peace, and how cheers Master Dampit now?  Dam: 
Oh, my bosom sir Lancelot, how cheer I? thy presence is restorative:  Lan: 
But I hear a great complaint of you Master Dampit, among gallants.  Dam: 
I am glad of that i'faith;— prithee what?  Lan: 
They say you are waxed proud o'late, and if a friend visit you in the afternoon, you'll scarce know him.  Dam. 
Fie, fie, proud? I cannot remember any such thing, sure I was drunk then.  Lan: 
Think you so sir?  Dam: 
There 'twas i'faith, nothing but the pride of the Sack and so certify 'em, fetch Sack sirrah.  Boy. 
A vengeance Sack you once.  Aud. 
Why Master Dampit if you hold on as you begin, and lie a little longer, you need not take care how to dispose your wealth, you'll make the Vintner your heir.  Damp: 
Out you babliaminy, you unfettered cremitoried quean, you cullisance of scabiosity.  Aud. 
Good words Master Dampit, to speak before a maid and a virgin.  Dam: 
Hang thy virginity, upon the pole of carnality.  Aud. 
Sweet terms, my Mistress shall know 'em.  Lam: 
Note but the misery of this usuring slave, here he lies like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his drunken blasphemies, and they to whom he bequeathes all, grudge him the very meat that feeds him, the very pillow that eases him, here may a usurer behold his end, what profits it to be a slave in this world, and a devil i'th' next.  Damp: 
Sir Lancelot? let me buss thee sir Lancelot, thou art the only friend that I honour and respect.  Lan. 
I thank you for that Master Dampit.  Dam. 
Farewell my bosom sir Lancelot.  Lan. 
Gentlemen, and you love me, let me step behind you, and one of you fall a talking of me to him.  Lamp. 
Content— Master Dampit.  Dam. 
So sir.  Lamp. 
Here came sir Lancelot to see you e'en now.  Dam. 
Hang him rascal.  Lam. 
Who sir Lancelot.  Dam. 
Pythagorical rascal.  Lam. 
Pythagorical?  Dam. 
I he changes his cloak when he meets a sergeant.  Lan. 
What a rogue's this?  Lam. 
I wonder you can rail at him sir, he comes in love to see you.  Dam. 
A louse for his love, his father was a Combmaker, I have no need of his crawling love, he comes to have longer day, the superlative rascal:  Lan: 
'sfoot I can no longer endure the rogue, Master Dampit, I come to take my leave once again sir?  Dam. 
Who? my dear and kind Sir Lancelot? the only Gentleman of England, let me hug thee, farewell and a thousand.  Lam. 
Composed of wrongs and slavish flatteries.  Lan. 
Nay Gentlemen, he shall show you more Tricks yet, i'll give you another taste of him:  Lam. 
is't possible?  Lan. 
His memory is upon departing.  Dam. 
Another cup of Sack.  Lan. 
Mass then 'twill be quite gone: before he drink that, tell him there's a country client come up, and here attends for his Learned advice,  Lam. 
Enough.  Dam. 
One Cup more, and then let the Bell toll, I hope I shall be weak enough by that time.  Lam. 
Master Dampit.  Dam. 
Is the Sack spouting.  Lam. 
'tis coming forward sir,— here's a countryman a client of yours, waits for your deep and profound advice sir.  Dam. 
A coxcombry? where is he? let him approach, set me up a peg higher.  Lam. 
You must draw near sir.  Dam. 
Now goodman foolaminy, what say you to me now  Lan. 
Please your good worship, I am a poor man sir.—  Dam. 
What make you in my Chamber then?  Lan. 
I would entreat your worship's device in a just and honest cause sir.—  Dam. 
I meddle with no such matters, I refer 'em, to Master No-man's Office.  Lan. 
I had but one house left me in all the world sir which was my fathers, my Grandfathers, my great Grandfathers, and now a Villain has unjustly wrung me out, and took possession out.  Dam. 
Has he such feats? thy best course is to bring thy ejection firm, and in seven year thou mayst shove him out by the Law.  Lan. 
Alas, an't please your worship, I have small friends and less money.  Dam. 
Hoyda, this gear will fadge well, hast no money, why then my advice is thou must set fire ath house & so get him out.  Lam 
That will break strife indeed,  Lan. 
I thank your worship for your hot Counsel sir.— altering but my voice a little, you see he knew me not, you may observe by this that a Drunkard's memory, holds longer in the voice then in the person, but Gentlemen shall I show you a sight, behold the little dive-dapper of Damnation, Gulf the usurer, for his time worse than other.  Enter Hoord with Gulf. Lam. 
What's he comes with him?  Lan. 
Why Hoord, that married lately the widow meddler.  Lam. 
Oh, I cry you mercy sir.  Hoo. 
Now gentlemen visitants? how does master Dampit?  Lan. 
faith here he lies e'en drawing— in sir, good canary as fast as he can sir, a very weak creature truly, he is almost past memory.  Hoo. 
Fie Master Dampit: you lie lazing a-bed here, and I come to invite you to my wedding dinner, up, up, up.  Dam. 
whose's this master Hoord! who hast thou married in the name of foolery.  Hoo. 
A rich widow.  Dam. 
A Dutch widow.  Hoo, 
A rich widow,— one widow meddler.  Dam. 
Medler she keeps open house.  Hoo. 
She did I can tell you in her other husband's days, open house for all comers, horse and man was welcome, and Room enough for 'em all.  Dam. 
There's too much for thee then, thou mayst let out some to thy Neighbours.  Gul. 
What? hung alive in chains O Spectacle, bed staffs of steel, O monstrum, horrendum, Inform, Ingens cvi Lumen ademptum, O Dampit, Dampit, here's a Just judgement, shown upon usury, extortion, and trampling Villainy.  Lan. 
This exc'llent, thief rails upon the Thief.  Gul. 
Is this the end of cut throat Usury, Brothel, and blasphemy? now mayst thou see what Race a Usurer runs.  Dam. 
Why thou Rogue of universality, do not I know thee? thy Sound is like the cuckoo, the Welsh Ambassador, thou cowardly slave that offers to fight with a sick man when his weapons down: rail upon me in my naked bed? why thou great Lucifer's little vicar, I am not so weak but I know a knave at first sight, thou Inconscionable Rascal, thou that goest upon middlesex juries, and will make haste to give up thy verdict, because thou wilt not lose thy dinner, are you answered?  Gul. 
An't 'twere not for shame.—  draws his dagger. Dam. 
Thou wouldst be hanged then.  Lam. 
Nay you must exercise patience Master Gulf, always in a sick-man's Chamber.  Lan. 
he'll quarrel with none I warrant you, but those that are bedrid.  Dam. 
Let him come Gentlemen, I am armed, reach my close stool hither.  Lan. 
Here willbe a sweet fray anon, I'll leave you gentlemen.  Lam. 
Nay we'll along with you, Master Gulf.  Gul. 
Hang him usuring rascal.  Lan, 
Push, set your Strength to his, your wit to his.  Aud. 
Pray Gentlemen depart, his hours come upon him, sleep in my bosom, sleep.  Lan: 
Nay we have enough of him i'faith, keep him for the house.— Now make your best.  
For thrice his wealth, I would not have his breast.  Gul. 
A little thing would make me beat him, now he's asleep.  Lan 
Mass then willbe a pitiful day when he wakes.  
I would be loath to see that day, come.  Lul: 
You overrule me gentlemen i'faith.  Exeunt.  

ACTVS. 5.  Enter Lucre and Wit-good. Wit. 
Nay uncle, let me prevail with you so much,  
i'faith go, now he has invited you,  Luc: 
I shall have great joy there, when he has borne away the widow.  Wit. 
Why la, I thought where I should find you presently;  
Uncle, a my troth, 'tis nothing so.  Luc. 
What's nothing so sir, is not he married to the widow.  Wit. 
No by my troth is he not Uncle.  Luc. 
How?  Wit. 
Will you have the truth out, he is married to a whore i'faith.  Luc. 
I should laugh at that.  Wit. 
Uncle, let me perish in your favour if you find it not so and that 'tis I that have married the honest woman.  Luc. 
Ha? I'd walk ten mile afoot to see that i'faith.  Wit. 
And see't't you shall, or I'll near see you again.  Luc. 
A Quean i'faith? ha, ha, ha.  Exeunt. Enter Hoord tasting wine the Host following in a Livery cloak. Hoo. 
Pup, pup, pup, pup, I like not this wine, is there never a better Teirs in the house.  Host. 
Yes sir, there are as good Teirs in the house, as any are in England.  Hoo: 
Desire your mistress you knave, to taste 'em all over, she has better Skill.  Host. 
Has she so, the better for her. and the worse for you.  Exit. Ho. 
Arthur, is the cupboard of plate set out,  Ar. 
all's in order sir.  Hoo. 
I am in love with my Liveries every time I think on 'em, they make a gallant show by my troth.— Niece.  Nee. 
Do you call sir?  Hoo. 
Prithee show a little diligence, and overlook the knaves a little, they'll filch and steal today and send whole pasties home to their wives, and thou be'st a good Niece, do not see me purloined.  Nee. 
Fear it not sir, I have cause, though the feast be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding dinner too.  Enter two gentlemen. Hoo. 
Master Lamprey, and Master Spichcocke two the most welcome gentlemen alive, your fathers and mine were all free ah Fishmongers.  Lam. 
They were indeed sir, you see bold guests sir, soon entreated  Hoo. 
And that's best sir— how now sirrah?  Ser. 
there's a coach come toth' door sir.  Hoo. 
My Lady Foxstone a my life. Mistress jane Hoord, wife, mass 'tis her Ladyship indeed, madam you are welcome to an unfurnished house, dearth of cheer, scarcity of attendance.  Lad. 
You are pleased to make the worst sir.  Hoo. 
Wife.  Lad. 
Is this your Bride.  Hoo. 
Yes Madam salute my Lady Foxtone.  Cur. 
Please you Madam a while to taste the air in the garden?  Lad. 
'twill please us well.  Exeunt. Hoo. 
Who would not wed the most delicious life,  
No joys are like the comforts of a wife.  Lam. 
So we bachelors think that are not troubled with them  Ser. 
Your worship's brother with another ancient Gentleman, are newly alighted Sir.  Hoo: 
Master Onesiphorus Hoord, why now our company begins to come in: my dear and kind brother welcome i'faith.  Ony: 
You see we are men at an hour brother.  Hoo. 
ay, I'll say that for you brother you keep as good an hour to come to a feast, as any Gentleman in the sheer. what old Master Limber and Master Kicks, do we meet i'faith jolly Gentlemen?  Limb. 
We hope you lack guess sir?  Hoor. 
Oh welcome, welcome, we lack still such guess as your worships.  Ony. 
Ah sirrah brother, have you catched up widow Medler.  Hoor 
From 'em all brother, and I may tell you, I had mighty enemies, those that stuck sore, old Lucre is a sore fox I can tell you brother.  On. 
Where is she, i'll go seek her out, I long to have a smack at her lips.  Hoo. 
And most wishfully brother see where she comes, give her a smirk now we may hear it all the house over.  Cur. 
Oh heaven, I am betrayed, I know that face.  Both turn back. Hoo. 
Ha, ha, ha, why how now? are you both a shamed? come Gentlemen, we'll look another way—  Ony. 
Nay Brother, hark you, come you're disposed to be merry?  Hoor. 
Why do we meet else man?  Ony. 
That's another matter, I was near so 'fraid in my life but that you had been in earnest.  Hoo. 
How mean you brother?  On. 
You said she was your wife?  Hoo. 
Did I so? by my troth and so she is.  On. 
By your troth Brother?  Hoo. 
What reason have I to dissemble with my friends, brother, if marriage can make her mine, she is mine? why?  On. 
Troth I am not well of a sudden? I must crave pardon brother, I came to see you, but I cannot stay dinner i'faith.  Hoo. 
I hope you will not serve me so brother.  Lim. 
By your leave Master Hoord.  Hoo. 
What now? what now? pray Gentlemen, you were wont to show yourselves wisemen.  Lim, 
But you have shown your folly too much here.  Hoo. 
How?  Kix. 
Fie, fie, a man of your repute and name,  
You'll feast your friends but cloy 'em first with shame.  Hoo. 
This grows too deep pray let us reach the sense.  Lim. 
In your old age dote on a Courtesan—  Hoo: 
Ha?  Kixe. 
Marry a Strumpet?  Hoo: 
Gentlemen!  Ony: 
And Wit-good's quean:  Hoo: 
Oh, nor Lands, nor living?  Ony. 
Living?  Hor. 
Speak?  Cur. 
Alas you know at first sir,  
I told you I had nothing:  Hoo. 
Out, out, I am cheated, infinitely cozened.  Lim. 
Nay Master Hoord:  Enter Wit-good and Lucre. Hoo. 
A dutch widow, a dutch widow, a dutch widow:  Luc: 
Why Nephew shall I trace thee still a liar? wilt make me mad is not yond thing the widow.  Wit: 
Why la, you are so hard a belief Uncle, by my troth she's a whore.  Lu: 
Then thou'rt a knave:  Wit: 
Negatur Argumentum Uncle.  Luc: 
Probo tibi, Nephew: He that knows a woman to be a quean must needs be a knave, thou sayst thou know'st her to be one, ergo if she be a quean thou'rt a knave:  Wit. 
Negatur, sequela maioris, Uncle, he that knows a woman to be a quean, must needs be a knave, I deny that.  Hoo. 
Lucre, and Wit-good, you're both villains, get you out of my house:  Lu. 
Why didst not invite me to thy wedding dinner?  Wit. 
And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness sir, and were both drunk upon't.  Hoo. 
Daintily abused you'ave put a junt upon me:  Lu. 
Ha, ha, ha:  Hoo. 
A common strumpet?  Wit. 
Nay now you wrong her sir, if I were she i'd have the law on you for that, I durst depose for her, she near had common use, nor common thought.  Curt. 
Despise me, publish me I am your wife,  
What shame can I have now but you'll have part,  
If in disgrace you share, I sought not you:  
You pursued me, nay forced me,  
Had I friends would follow it,  
Less than your action has been proved a rape.  Ony. 
Brother?  Curt. 
Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you,  
Money or goods: I took a plainer course:  
And told you true i'd nothing,  
If error were committed 'twas by you.  
thank your own folly, nor has my sin been so odious but worse has been for given, nor am I so deformed but I may challenge the utmost power of any old man's love, she that tastes not sin before, twenty to one but she'll taste it after: most of you old men are content to marry young Virgins and take that which follows, where marrying one of us, you both save a sinner, and are quit from a cuckold for ever,  
"And more in brief let this your best thoughts win,  
" She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin.  Hoo. 
Cursed be all Malice, black are the fruits of spite,  
And poison first their owners: O my friends,  
I must embrace shame, to be rid of shame,  
Concealed disgrace prevents a public name.  
Ah Wit-good ah Theodorus,  Wit. 
Alas sir, I was prick tin conscience to see her well bestowed and where could I bestow her better than upon your pitiful worship: excepting but myself, I dare swear she's a Virgin, and now by marrying your Niece I have banished myself for ever from her, she's mine Aunt now by my faith, and there's no Meddling with mine Aunt you know, a sin against my Nuncle.  Cur. 
Lo, Gentlemen, before you all.  
In true reclaimed form I fall,  
Henceforth for ever I defy,  
The Glances of a sinful eye,  
Waving of Fans, which some suppose,  
Tricks of Fancy, Treading of Toes,  
Wringing of Fingers, biting the Lip,  
The wanton gate th' alluring Trip,  
All secret friends and private meetings,  
Close borne letters, and Bawds greetings,  
Feigning excuse to women's Labours,  
When we are sent for toth' next Neighbours,  
Taking false Physic, and near start,  
To be let blood, though sign be at heart,  
Removing chambers, shifting beds,  
To welcome Friends in husband's steads,  
Them to enjoy, and you to marry,  
They first served, while you must tarry,  
They to spend and you to gather,  
They to get and you to father,  
These and thousand thousand more,  
New reclaimed I now abhor.  Lu: 
A, here's a lesson Rioter for you.  Wit. 
I must confess my follies, I'll down to  
And Here for ever I disclaim,  
The cause of youths undoing. Game:  
Chiefly dice, those true outlanders,  
That shake out Beggars, Thieves and Panders,  
Soul wasting Surfeits, sinful Riots,  
Queans Evils, Doctors diets.  
pothecary's Drugs, Surgeons Glisters,  
Stabbing of arms for a common Mistress,  
Ribbon favours. Ribald Speeches,  
Dear perfumed Jackets, penniless breeches,  
Dutch Flapdragons, healths in Urine,  
Drabs that keep a man too sure in:  
I do defy you all.  
Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise,  
A reclaimed man loathing the general vice.  Hoor. 
So, so, all friends, the wedding dinner cools,  
Who seem most crafty prove oft times most fools.  
FINIS.