The Skilful Mountebank. OR, Come, and I'll cure you. It hath not so much power as Patience, yet 'tis a Plaster for all Sores. By joannes Baptista Guardano Lodovico puncto. A Frenchified Italian, and borne in Backlersberry. LONDON: Printed by I.O. for Thomas Lambert and are to be sold at his Shop near the Hospital gate in Smithfield. at the Sign of the Horse-shoe, 1638. The Names of the Cures. 1. A Cure for Melancholy. 2. A Cure for a maiden's Timpany. 3. A Cure for the Green Sickness. 4. A Cure for the Falling Sickness in man's estate. 5. A Cure for Cuckolds. The Skilful Mountebank. If any man be troubled with Melancholy, let him take this following Medicine. IF his Melancholy proceed by Love, the passion is somewhat dangerous, and difficult to cure; the things that must be compounded for the Remedy, are hard to come by. The Medicine. TAke the juice of three well mads (and as well told) jests, applying them to the Patient's spleen, that they may as it were tickle him; if he begin to laugh, there is some sign of Health: let him be then forthwith carried to a warm Bed, which must be carefully made by a perfect Virgin of five and Thirty years of Age, but very beautiful, and one whose Lip no man did ever touch since she was five years old. When the aforesaid Bed is made, let this aforesaid Virgin be caused to be put into it; but let me tell you one thing by the way, you must leave them so; 'tis not a Rush matter for watching by him with a Rush-candle, he will be well enough by Morning, I'll warrant, if he can sweat upon't. But before he rises, you must provide this Cordial for him: The stones of a Goat, the guts of Crabs, the brains of Sparrows, Monkey's marrow, Pith of Oxen, with the yolks of five new laid Eggs, laid by an Hen of the Game: all these compounded together, if he may have the continual company of his Virgin had fellow, will in one half year drive his Melancholy quite from him; if not, he is not a man of this World: Therefore we'll speak no more of him, but proceed to the next discase. If any Maiden be sick of a Timpany, let her repair to my Medicine, which is here set down. IF this Virgin be so sick of Cupid, that the Disease is come to a Timpany, let her with all speed possible remove herself to some old Midwife's house for Forty Weeks, where there is change of Air, keeping a spare Diet as she travails, and always after using lawful exercises. till she be married: Then if she have any more Wit than ever any of her Sex had, which is, to keep her own Counsel, she is past all danger: withal she must have a great care, that the Tympany which she left behind her, come not in her Husband's sight, lest it breed a worse Disease: And so much for a Lympany. A Cure for the Green-sickness. IF any Virgin have made so little use of her Time▪ that she is punished with a disease called the Green sickness, so that her colour begins to fade, and her flesh is covered with a yellowness, let her take my counsel: First of all, let her forsake the former diet she used, which was to feed upon Sea coal Cinders, Ashes, Chalk, and Oatmeal; loam wall, and parched Pease, Beanes, and dry Biscuit; for unless these causes be taken away, it is almost impossible that any Medicine should work upon her: then let her Father or Mother (if she have any) provide for her a man of courage, full of mettle and very active: let her parley with him a little, if he can take my counsel, he shall quickly convert her pale colour to Red, and her Melancholy to laughter, 'tis not amiss, (if they can agree together) if the Banes of Matrimony be asked betwixt them, she'll be the fit to receive her Cure, and he to play the Physician; but if the Maid b● very fare gone, so that she requires present help, let the Banes alone, ●●ee'le go a nearer way to work: A Licence may be had, and 'tis a 〈◊〉 walk to Pancridge; if these Rules be● observed, and if she be of a mild nature, not froward, choleric, and hasty, but is contented to lie with him every Night without a Fee, in Forty Weeks the Green Sickness may be converted to a chopping Boy, or a bouncing Girl, which will keep her I'll warrant her, from ever having it again: So much for the Green sickness. If any man's Estate be troubled with the Falling Sickness, let him hearken to me. WHen a man doth first begin to be sick of this Disease, there there be a couple more that do attend upon his body, which if they fasten, will hardly be got off, and they are these: The one is called a Sergeant, the other a Yeoman, two such dangerous Diseases, that if he be once but Encountered by them, he is like to lie by it. This Falling Sickness in a man's estate is very hard to cure, yet if it be let run, 'tis ten to one but that it comes to a worse Disease, which is called a Rupture, but in plain English a Broke; which is a Disease, that if it have leave, will have such power over him, that all the wisest Glaziers in London shall scare sodder him again. And to say Truth, his hopes must be, that he may have a fair wind for Ireland, or else the Disease will perish him: but if he take my counsel, it shall never come to this: therefore mark my Advice; if he be a Shopkeeper, let him keep him to his Shop, keep trusty Servants and true Prentices, and let him avoid the dangerous exercise of Ducking, lest he come home again singed like a Fire, Drake; 'tis a very ill sign of his thriving: Let him deal with honest men, and have a care his name be not to much used in other men's Books; let his fair Tongue and his fair dealing been joined together, to invite good Customers, and a fig for the Falling Sickness. If any married man be troubled with a a pain in the Forehead, let him look out, for I have a Medicine for him. When a man is troubled with this Disease, 'tis a horrible sign that he hath married a light Wife, and that being the greatest cause of his Disease, it must (for aught I see) been taken away from him before the Cure can been perfected, which (I must confess) is; somewhat hard to perform; for they are grievances that will most commonly hang upon a man till they are even ready to hang themselves, and that's more than a point next the worst: Therefore the best counsel I can give him, is this; let him eat, drink, and be merry; let him not show himself sad and melancholy in company, lest he give his jeering enemies too much advantage o'er him: yet he's thus happy, he shall be sure to be Jeered by none but the brethren of his own company, and then he may cry Cuckolds all a-row, and make them mad that first thought to make him so: let him but make much of their wives, and kiss their children, the world will rather think him a politic Whoremaster, than a patiented Cuckold, the defamation of the one▪ will control the reproach of the other; and whereas he was before pitied for a wronged man, in this pitiful manner: 'Twas great pity an honest careful man should have so ill a wife: They will say then, Let him alone, for I'll warrant, he'll give her as good as she brings. This is a report in this Age, more pleasing to a man than the shameful name of Cuckold: and when two Combatants wound each other equally, neither of them can boast the glory of the Battle: This is the surest way for his Cure I think, and the surest way to break the heart of his wife; for we are to believe, the first cause that made her so light heeled, was to be revenged upon him for some petty quarrel betwixt them, because he would not let her see such a Puppit-play, or some such petty business; perhaps he would not make her a Gown of such a new Stuffe as she desired, but he breaking the neck of her revenge in this manner, 'tis very possible that she may very shortly and her days in Melancholy like a direct envious person, destroying herself because she cannot kill another. And if you think this Medicine will procure Your ease, you are welcome to the Cuckolds Curo. But if these do your patience wrong, Hark, and I'll cure you with a Song. The Song. ARe any Pools that would be wise? Are any falling that would rise? Is any rich that would be poor, I'll purge his substance in an hour: Is any bound that would be free? I'll do't, let him repair to me. I come to cure what ere you feel Within, without, from head to heel. Are any of their strength beguiled, They cannot get their wives with child? If they be barren, they shall see I'll fit them with a remedy, If once I take them in my hands, They soon shall have more heirs than lands. Then come to me what ere you feel Within, without, from head to heel. If any Usurer would have A preservation 'gainst the grave, Let him not yoke him to a Wife, I'll promise him a longer life: But if he marry, ten to one I'll lay, he can be cured by none. Yet come, I'll cure what ere you feels Within, without, from head to heel. If any Lady would be proud, That with no virtues is endowed. I'll puff her with one praise or other, Shall make her nicer than her Mother: Such mighty power has my calling, But not to keeps her pride from falling. Then come to me what ere you feel Within, without, from head to heel. If any Landrosse be afraid That she shall lose the name of Maid, Yet not be married, let her be Rid of that fear, and come to me; I'll run the hazard of a curse, She shall grow better, or else worse. Come then to me what ere you feel Within, without, from head to heel. Hath any got a night disease, So that he cannot sleep for fleas? Is any sorrowful or sad, Disguised, Lunatic, or mad? Does any cutpurse lie and linger In torment for an itching finger? He shall be cured by my expressions. If he avoid the quarter Sessions. Then come to me what ere you feel Within, without, from head to heel. FINIS.