THE Foot-Post of Dover. With his Packet stuffed full of strange and merry Petitions.  
LONDON, Printed by Edw: Allde, and are to be sold by john Deane, dwelling just under Temple bar. 1616.   

A STRANGE-FOOTE-POST, WITH A PACKET full of mad Petitions.  
just about that time of the year when that Spring begins to command her handmaid Flora, to stick the bosom of every watery maedow, & sedgy lake, with nosegays of party coloured flowers: having dulled my spirits with serious meditations, and plunged my senses in the quicksands of Invention, aswell, to shake of a sullen Melancholy that attended me, as to entertain some quick, and more public recreation: I walked into a neighbouring mead, where it was my chance to light upon an Arbour so privately seated, as if Nature had built it a Cave, or receptacle for Solitude: environed so close, with the long and slender arms of Osiers, and so curiously intermingled with the levy fingers of Woodbine, and sweet Eglantine, that neither cold nor rain could easily pierce it. In whose windows, the feathered Choristers of the grove, shipping from twig to twig, song pretty (though idle) notes, to the murmur of a silver spring, which made such soft and solemn Music, that what with wondering, at the more than common workmanship of Art, and the Metaphysical endeavours of Nature, in their ignorant (yet well according) Harmony, Leaning my hand upon my elbow, (being at that time destitute of a softer pillow) I fell into a sudden, yet sound sleep, during which, my imaginary insight apprehended a most strange vision.  
Mèe thought I was elevated into the Zodiac, where like a Stranger cast upon a foreign Coast, I was stricken with unutterable admiration, wondering at the strange objects I beheld. Gazing thus on every side, like a Country-Gentlewoman at her first coming to a famous City, one clapped me upon the head, whose very sight did much affright me, that it was enough to have put me out of the wit I had: For the party I speak of was headed like Hydra, 
The description of Opinion.  having more Tongues, than Esope provided for his masters dinner: and for eyes, he was no Cyclops, or Polypheme, but an other Argus: The clothes he wore, were for all the world fashioned like a fantastical englishman's, a gallimawfry of most Country cuts, but not of one Cloth, Stuffe, Satin, Velvet, etc. as theirs are: Nor of one, two, three, four colour●●, as for the most part theirs are; but here a piece of Velvet, there a piece of Uellure, here a piece of Satin, there a piece of Sackcloth, filled with sundry patches of several patterns, like a tailors hole, or rather Hell, whereinto he casteth many bodies of men and women.  
This Monster seeing me so pitifully perplexed, told me that he was not so terrible as he seemed and that his name was Opinion, so Headed, Sighted, Tongued and arrayed, to show the multiplicity, variety, and contrariety of men's Opinions, Fantasies, and Conceits: And that the place wherein I then was, was named the Metrapolitan City of the World, seeming indeed like Heaven itself, inhabited by Spirits of all sorts, adorned with Sun and Moon, like a contributary King and Queen, Girt about with all the Signs of the Zodiac, garnished with Planets, which like Rulers overswayed Sublunary Creatures: Beautified with Stars of three sorts, whereof some were termed Fixae, resembling virtuous and constant women, keeping in their Spheres, as in their houses. Others Errantes, wandering Stars, gadding like Gossips, which ride from Cities to Countries, running from their own Mansions to Taverns, from their husband's bosoms to other men's beds. The third, Cadentes, that is, falling Stars, whereunto wantoness may be compared, which fall from the Heaven of Honesty, to the unmoveable mass of Misdemeanour and immodesty: Forth with he led me through many Lanes and showed me the signs as we passed along the heaven street: Here (said he) is Aries, the sign of the Ram: What the Ram in fleet street thought I? This is Cancer the sign of the Crab: Here is Virgo, the sign of the Maid: That is a rare sign indeed, many a young beginner would be glad to dwell at that sign: This is Scorpio, the sign of the Scorpion, a venomous Serpent which hurteth with the tail: That is Capricornus, the sign of the goats head, some Cuckold languisheth there, while his wife laugheth abroad: This is Gemini the sign of the Twins, there dwelleth a good member in the Commonwealth, which getteth two at once: Here is Leo the sign of the Lion: There is Libra, the sign of the pair of Scailes: Terras Astraea reliquit, justice hath forsaken the Earth, and keepeth shop there: That is Sagittarius the sign of the Archer, blind Cupid maketh bird-bolts there to dazzle Woodcocks: This is Aquarius, the sign of the Water-bearer, I supposed at first a Uintener dwelled there, which carrieth so much water to quench the fire, which would else rise out of his Seller, till I gazed for a Bush and could see none, but the bush Beard of a Brewer: After he conducted me by the seven Planets, seven Gates of this City: The first and lowest he called Luna, 
The Postern  which being then in the Eclipse, I deemed the Postern Gate shut close: The second Sol the Sun, which I resembled to Mooregate, 
Mooregate.  because it is more delicious and pleasant than the Moon, with beams and rays, or rather rails on the oneside: The third Mercury the God of thieves, Cheaters, Nymble-fingered-fellowes, which made me call it Newgate: 
Newgate. Algate. Ludgate.  The fourth Venus, the Goddess of Love, which I termed Allgate, because all go through that Gate: The fifth Mars, which looked sternly like King Lud, whose very aspect at that time wrought in my conceit that I feared a Sergeant was dragging me to Ludgate: The sixth jupiter, 
Aldersgate.  which I surmisd to be Alders-gate: The seventh Saturn, old, feeble, and deerepit, which I thought might somewhat fitly be nominated Cripplegate: 
Cripplegate.  Are here all said I? I have one gate yet, standing void to be shut up with a similitude: What gate is that said Opinion? It is Bishopsgate said I. Some Philosophers cavil about it said Opinion. But Aristotle and Plato make reckoning of an eight, which is called Sphaera octava, that is, the firmament containing the fixed stars. Why then this Sphaera Octava is Bishopgate, containing all the fixed stars: that is, the faithful Ministers: 
Bishopsgate.  And the Philosophers which cavil about it, are none but contentious Brownists, and Separaters: which because the eyes of their true understanding are plucktout, would pluck the whole house upon their own heads, to the overthrow of the Rulers. But let these Byases pass by like asses, with bag & baggage to Anser-dame, so long as we have Aristotle the Prince of Philosophers, and Plato the Divine on our sides. Our gardens will prosper the better when they have in them not one of these Elders, whereupon so many covetous judasses hang themselves.  
By this time we had passed through all the Planets set about with stars, like so many gates with watchmen; & were entered into the air, the heavens suburbs: Here (quoth Opinion) you may daily behold divers that pass to & fro from all parts to present their several petitions to Fortune & implore her aid for some good hap: which many times they obtain, if their Petitions go not through many hands: for than they are either lost or torn, or come to some friends hands, against whom they are preferred, and the Petitioners are checked and called seditious knaves, and go home perhaps an hundred miles with a Flea in their ear.  
Then me thought I was very importimate to know the several suitors, that became so suppliant to Fortune: and even as Opinion was telling me he would certify me of them is order, Behold (quoth he) yonder is one traveling a pace, that ministers matter to give you some satisfaction. And as I was thus giving my attendance, and observation, I might see a female coming, indeed a pert one she was, as ready to give the welcome to her customers, as a boy in a bar, and as nimble as a Parasite in an old Comedy.  

The harlot passeth by them.  
FIe upon her (said I) she will never have good success in her suit, 
The Harlot.  she hath such Antic attire, and doth so trip & go with her Petition: What? a woman of tall stature, and upright body? (would she were as upright in her life & behaviour) high brows, fair hair? (hath she not robbed the dead for it)? round cheeks, coral lips, dimpled chin, sléeke neck, & slender waste? 'tis good if they be not hooks to draw men in, & bird-lime to tie the frathers of every stranger, that none may escape them. But I fear she is (as some say of wanton women) like Circe's witches, and can turn vain glorius fools into Asses, gluttonous fools into Swine, pleasant fools into Apes, proud fools into Peacocks, and when she hath done, scourge them out of doors with a whip.  
This is one (said Opinion) whose face is a painted Sepulchre, 
The Opinion of a Harlot.  whereas her mind is a Tomb full of rotten bones and Serpents: her brows (like the Diamond) contain virtue to relieve, and pason to kill: her looks are like Calendars, that can determine no certainty, but (as a certain leaf) which is most dry, when it looks most moist: so when she smiles, she imagines deceit, and her laughters are tempered with envy & revenge: her vows are but as words written in the wind: her promises Characters figured in the air: her flatteries, figures graven in the Snow, which are blown with the wind or melted with the Sun: and her love, like the passage of a Serpent over a stones, which once past, can never boséene. She will promise mountains, and perform Molehills. She will say she loves with Dido, and yet fain with Crefida: follow Demophon with Phillis, and yet be more straggling than Luna: she hath smiles (at her wish) to bewitch, and tears (at command) as the Crocodile, to betray. If thou proffer her any thing, she will pockeeat all: if thou hast gold, she is a Horseleech, and will not out of thy bosom: but she hates an empty purse, as the Hyena doth the fight of a man, and will fly from thee, when thou art poor, as the foul from the Faulion. In plain terms, she is a proud prorhane Harlot. And were she not profane, what Atheist would frequant her? were she not bawdy, what Puncquatero would show his rotten tèeths to her? Were she not ridiculous, what country Gentiles would come to her? Were she not full of toys and gewgaws, what Citizens would flock to her? In a word, Were she not as she is, she would be like a Politician without a profound head, like a flatterer without a glib tongue, like an Astronomer without eyes, a physician without hearing, a Soldier without hands, a Porter without a strong back, a Gentleman usher without strait legs, a Lackey without feet, in no reputation. But it is not so with her, for she is a Bona Roga: and the Petition which she comes to present, must needs (no doubt) bring some good fruit, from that corrupt tree.  
Vouchsafe to look upon the lines of your humble Petitioner, 
The Harlot's Petition.  who from fifteen years of age hath bene a woman of no carriage, living always chaste both in town and country, and have had much dealing with many of great ability, till of late that I failed of your furtherance, and miss many of my customers. For whom, when I made a secret inquisition, and privy search (fearing they had made a voyage to settle themselves in Virginia) I met some of them prepared for Tyburn, others I found encountered with Counters, and some laid up in houses of Hospitality: which unexpected sight did so appaleme, that forthwith I thought good to present this Petition unto you: requesting that such as are my well willers, may have some longer continuance of your favours, and not taste so suddenly of your frowns, (which will be my utter undoing) so long as they have money or means. But when they are destitute of both, then cast them off, let them steal and be hanged: which if they deny, I wish you send them far enough: for there is nothing more cumbersome, then impecunious hangers on.  
There be also some of the officious (to whom I wish none of your favours) as the only causers of our overthrows. 
Where there is one of these officers, I would there were twenty.  For they hunt us like Hares, & ferret us like conies. They tie us to stakes like Bears, and whip us like jades. They drive us from post to pillar, that were we not predestinate as it were to live chaste, they would compel us even against our Fate to become chaste, they do so chase us from country to city, from city to suburbs, from houses and husbands, to cousins and allies, where we lead a life like brute beasts among grass, trees; etc. Or live like the old water-Nymphs, or Fairies (which pinched poor men) in wells & ditches. As Shoreditch & Clarkenwell. I therefore sue to have an Habeas Corpus served upon them, especially certain little Animals, called Beagles, who seeing poor Does prostrate before their feet, have notwithstanding the heart to hurt, and draw blood from their ribs and shoulders.  
Madonna Meretrix.   

The Bawd cometh to the Harlot.  
Go thy ways, 
The Bawd.  thy fools bolt is shot a Cookheight against the stars, which will light upon thine own head. Here is a Petition indeed, if all Petitions should be granted. But there is another come unto her, she should be a young woman by her great belly: but now she yawneth, I see the mark is out of her mouth, she walloweth like a Sow with pig, talketh very imperiously, & is clad most modestly But I mystic one thing, she cougheth so sorely, are her lungs sound?  
Out upon her (said Opinion) though she speak purely, 
The opinion of a Bawd.  swear sparingly, look demurely, and walk sagely, yet her life is loathsome, and behaviour beastly. She hath her roguish Rhetoric at her fingers, ends, and can winch, kick, and fling when she seeth her opportunity. She goeth to the Church with an ill will, unless to pick a pocket, or to pervert some honest man's wife she is pved withal. But she will bestir her ●●…mps to get easy room in a Theatre; and twenty to one she will lure some Buffard to dog her home at the end of the Play. She liveth by usury, but here is the difference: the usurer putteth but ten (over & above) to his hundredth in the year, But she brings an hundredth to ten, nay to two sometimes in a week, Abominable filth as she is, I wish thee to stop thy ears at her words, for she is a Mermaid, or rather Mermaid.  
Afilthie Bawd.   

The Spendall passeth along.  
Room for a Gentleman, 
The Spendall.  mark the motion my Masters: his doublet is of the ragged rank, with never a button on it, and his breeches are very faulty, they must be mended, I marvel he buyeth himself no better clothes now his rents begin to come in so fast: Four pair of yarn stòckings would make no great show upon those spindle shanks: he looketh very Lentenly and conuneth halting on.  
This tottered Colt (said Opinion) which once had high desires, 
The Opinion of the Spendal  hath now low fortunes; his thoughts were wont to reach at stars, but now stumble at stones. He was his father's dotage, and his Mams darling: a toward Springal you will say, when he lay with his mother's Chambermaid at sixteen: and an untoward Spendall, when he had lavished the sixth part of a Million before he knew six and twenty Birth days. He did of late swim in gluttonny, but now is pinched with penury. He was wont to devise what to eat, and is now destitute of any food. He hath worn more upon his back then the gold (which procured passage for the Ass into the Castle) would defray. His quondam full feeding maketh him now took so emptily. His drinking so many healths hath taken all health from him: his so often leaping the pale, causeth him look so pale: his close following the fashion, bringeth him now (as you see) out of all form and fashion: had he taken time before he might have lodged in an house like a palace, as he doth now in a place like a prison, lying like a Nutmeg in a Grate, being the Emblem of unthriftiness, the Hieroglyphic of Riot, the picture of the Prodigal, and the Individium vagum of a poor pitiful penniless Spendall.  
Most humbly sueth a cashiered Cavalier, 
The Spendal● Petition.  no Gentleman yet a knight's son and heir, being richly bequeathed, and well mannered, consorted with men of choice fashion, with women of famous report: much indebted to merchants, and greatly bound to their wives. But at last wanting present means to repay the one, and competent matter to come even with the other, which did put me to my plunges, that I was constrained to colleague with a Miser, Qui nummos admiratur: An usurer that doth make much of money, who upon some consideration of my good conditions did supply me for a time, but when Doomsday came, that I should render an account for all, all was gone, my lands were seized upon, my credit ceased, and I clapped up amongst Bankrupts, and borrowers: where now I must lie like a forlorn wretch, even ready to die for want of relief: my friends pity me, my enemies play upon me. 
The end of Riot.  All fly from me, none come nigh me, but merciless keepers, and miserable caitiffs, who make me remember what I learned long ago.  
Cum fuer is foelix multos numerabis amicos,  
Nullus ad amissas ibit amicus opes:  
When I was mounted upon the chariot of Fortune, Gallant would converse with me, Lawyers give attendance to my suits, Tradesmen cap to me, dependents crouch to me, Brokers borrow for me, Usurers lend me, Flatterets extol me, lusty Lasses advance me, stoop to me, and hang about my neck like goodly jewels, as they prove. But now I am trampled under the wheel of Chance, all is turned topsie turuey, Qui nuper albus eram, nunc sum contrarius albo. Gallants in their Pasquil humours begin to gird at me. Curia pauperibus clausa est. Lawyers have no feeling of my case: Tradesmen will have no commerce with me; dependents hang down their heads as if they were going to hanging: Brokers become boisterous: Usurers misuse me. Thus am I used for using them: thus am I deceived for trusting them: thus am I despised for embracing them: thus am I become a castaway for casting away my money amongst them. Now there is no wealth left, they are all lost, now my gold is flown they are all fled, and now am I in want, they are all vanished like unto an empty cloud. Oh that you would but send some Revenge upon some of them, that others of my rank, seeing some of their falls, may shun the like places, and amend their follies, and they themselves relent, and have their remorseless hearts turned: if out of their bellies, honesty and upright dealing should have no great loss.  
The Spendall.   

The Sergeant attends on him.  
WOuld all our Lusty-Guts would look in at this looking glass. 
The Sergeant.  He was as well rigged a Pinnace, as some that make a greater show, and as well manned till the boisterous blasts of his own affections split him upon the rocks of Riot. He was as lovely as Laeander, before he cast himself into the Sea of sensuality, and might in time have proved a Coadjutor of his country's weal, had he closed his cares at the inveigling of Sea-Lures, and shut his mouth when Circe preferred him the cup to quaff, which turned him to a beast, or more wretched than a beast in these days, A beggar. But what is he that attendeth him so closely in the gown.  
It seemeth (said Opinion) that you neither trust nor are trusted: 
The opinion of the Sergeant.  Either you have stood in no need of money, or you want credit to borrow: or if you have borrowed, you pay according to promise, and appointment; else he would have been so bold as to have clapped you upon the shoulder, and been better acquavited with you, though you cared not greatly for his acquaintance, if ever you came into the precincts of his jurisdiction: He is an Officer, whose office I disallow not, but dislike some of his fratrernitie in their extreme executing of their duties, which will fawn like Spaniels, on such as bribe them, and will be inquisitive after them, where they are sure they are not: But merciless Furies to haunt out poor men, which are disable to fee, and feed them with rewards, and that which showeth them to be no Christians on the Sabboath day: He is at the best but a decayed Tradesman, or unthrifty Occupier, which, how dissolutely or basely soever he lived before, is good enough to be as he is, The quartain Fever to a Spendall: the Plague to bad Pay-maisters: the usurers foisting hound: a necessary nail in the finger of the Common wealth to claw men by the poles.  
A Sergeant.   

The country Client passeth along.  
HE hath never a Petition to prefer, 
The country Client.  unless against such as are wise enough to keep their money, while they have it, and pay duly where they owe. But stay, what is he that noddeth next? if my eyesight fail me not, a short corpulent fellow with a full face, and foul hands, covered like a Capease all with leather, backed with a broad dagger, a long sword which handleth the forepart of his stops very rigorously: now is his brown bonnet whipped between his legs, and he stands groping for his Petition.  
This man (said Opinion) you see so plainly attired, is quite tere with following the law: 
The opinion of the country Client.  who though he seem so plain, hath as many crooked conditions in his Costrell, as a slight of your finest fashionmongers. If he be Churchwarden, the Parishoner he maligneth, is summoned upon suspicion, if he give but a well looking Lass a good morrow, or good night. If he be Constable, all the Alewines are undons: If his neighbour trespass against him, he will never forgive him. He will worship any man for his commodity, but where he neither feareth nor hopeth, He is hail fellow, well met. Cockneys may laugh at him, as he laggeth along the pavements, and Gulls giggle when he passeth by their proper personages: but if he could get vantage, he would make them pay for the whole dozen: Let him alone, whether he have his Oats, Pease, or Beans, yet he wanteth no fetches. Lend an ear to his Petition, if it be truly spelled, he will conjure somebody.  
Long have I lived, 
The country Clients Petition.  and grieved to see so many citizens become Bankrupts, when Lawyers flourish, and breath and brawl to the utter ruin and undoing of such poor-men as myself, who having an homely wife and children at home, am compelled to come in Coram to this most dear City, where I lie at exceeding charges, following the Law, which I fain would fly: But necessity hath no Law, for having no fees, I may find a Lawyer (adding but a Master to it) who hath either no Law in his budget, or no conscience in his breast. So my case hath been considered, and hung so long in Westminster hall, as my father's Bowcase in mine own hall, ever since he died, and left certain lands to be parted amongst his sons, who, because we could not divide them according to every one of our contents, were contented to crouch to certain Lawyers, who conceiving the controversy, and perceiving us at such variance, like our friends and well-willers promised to take our parts: and indeed not to bely them, they have been as good as their promises, and have taken our parts, and not left us an hole, or part to thrust our heads into. And now we lack unde: they come over us with a Quare, which putteth us into a Quandary, to be sent far with never a farthing. It were ingratitude not to requite our well-willers and partakers, or at least, to wish well unto them that we cannot requite. My Petition therefore is, that you would confer an hundredth marks or two upon such Pillars, or rather Caterpillars, I mean such marks, as may mark them, to make others mark and beware of them. But for those rare, admirable, miraculous, honest, conscionable, grave deciders, which weigh the matter more than the money, prefer the Commonweal, more than their own private wealth: plead for the poor, as well as Nobles: permit the not guilty, overthrow the guilty; I pray that they may live many merry and Hilary terms, for the good of their country, and profit of themselves, and their posterity.  
The country Client.   

The Ostler followeth him.  
SUre, said I, this Petition was never of his own making, it is pincked so Pedantically, 
The Ostler.  cut upon fustian Phrases, and bound about with Mocke-adoes.  
Resolve yourself (answered Opinion) your countryman in many places is so metamorphosed in manners now a days, and acquaint terms, that you shall hardly distinguish Pan from Apollo, but by the habit, and so captious in words, that you can utter no ward that he will not equivocate, if the Idiom will bear it. He speaketh so ambiguously, that if his speech be construed one way, he knoweth how to interpret it after another signification, & is not the man you take him, for if you take him for a plain, silly, honest man at all times, 
The Ostler leadeth the country Clients horse after him.  and in every respect. You have said enough of him, but I pray you what is he for a man that doth follow him, he hath a stick in his hand, which he whisketh as he leadeth the horse by the bridle.  
He is as full of complement as his master an Innekéeper: You are welcome Gentlemen, 
The opinion of a knave Hostler.  is all his eloquence, and that he showeth as well to a clown, as a knight. At your entrance into his stable, he will be so obsequious and servile, that he will wipe your very horses heels. He stinketh like a Curricombe, and smelleth as rank as Stale. He will give your horse a peck of provender (if it be your pleasure) and steal half of it, if you eye him not narrowly. At night he filleth though rack with hay, but in the morning you shall not find an handful, though your horse, nor any other by him eat not a mouth full. If you abide any long time and will hourly look unto your beast, as it is best (for the eye of the master maketh the horse fat) he can take order for his eating overmuch, by greasing his teeth with a tallow candle. He loveth drink likely, and a drab if he be not married. He hath no yearly wages of his master to maintain him, but that which guests bestow upon him. To be brief with him: at your departure, if you give him any thing in the chamber, when you make clear with the house, he hath a switch in one hand, and the bridle turned over the main of your horse, standing in readiness, to hold your stirrup steadfastly, and bid you heartily farewell: But if he find you miserable, your saddle girts are tied but slackly, and if you like them not, you may mend them yourself, and if you look not before you leap, you may perchance rue it. But he will hold your stirrup if you bid him, he dare not deny it, it is a special point of his profession, but slackly, and with the head on the one side: and he will bid you farewell (as his master may hear) and be hanged, (that he muttereth to himself.) Though he be a knave, yet he is a man of great calling (especially when travelers ride early on their journey.  
An Ostler.   

The old Serving man passeth along.  
ECce autem alterum, Behold a blue coat with never a badge on it, 
The old Servingman.  the crown of his head like a Franciscans, Leno in fancy, he looketh leave in the face, and lank in the belly: All his apparel look as though they were cast, a sign of a weak stomach to bear strong liquor. Look how he kisseth his hand as if he were in love with it, and licketh the superficies of the floor with his knees. Fie upon it, how semonious he is in delivering his Petition. Those low legs, and kissing the hand (if he can cog, and lie to) would get him a service with some in the world, if he would serve three or four years for no wages, he should have half a crown at parting.  
Nay (said Opinion) he hath been long enough in that predicament, and now can show nought of his getting, 
The opinion of the old Servingman.  unless children he dare not father. He was a pretty boy, an handsome stripling, a proper man: peevish in his childhood, proud in his youth, and prodigal in his best years: He hath wasted his portion in hope of preferment: spent his substance, looking for advancement; consumed quite all, in expectation of some requital. His greatest felicity was to court the chambermaids in some corner, & his chief exercise to make his masters friends 
a Servingmen.  dependents drunk. He was trained up in some piece of a joiners trade to make legs, and the best part of his Rhetoric was, I forsooth, and No forsooth. The iniunctios that he was tied to, were to rise at all hours, and to ride in all seasons, eating that which was left, wearing that which was left, and marrying oftentimes that which his master left. Which showeth what he was, and is the 
b One that goeth before.  Anteambulo of a Gentlewoman, the 
c One that followeth.  Subsequent of a Gentleman, the 
d One that sitteth before.  President of a Portmantle, or a Cloak bag.  

An old Servingman, a young beggar.  
Not without cause do I creep to you with my Petition, 
The old Servingman's petition.  praying either better fortune hereafter, or revenge upon them that have so slighted me off heretofore; who from my youth was brought up in service, not in God's service, but in the service of man and woman, waiting for that which now I shall never get, because I can wait no longer. So long as I was strong, I was backed with something: so long as I could perform all serviceable duties, I wanted for no promises. But Time which turneth all things, hath turned me out of service, and Age which altereth all men, hath changed me from the top of Favour to the toe of Contempt. Being now used like an old horse, my cloak plucked of my back, as his skin: Or an old dog, kicked with disdain of every upstart. Thus have I been served for all my serving: gained a dainty dish, for carving so many dainty dishes: got a goodly catch, for all my watching, and catching cold, for all my running, and riding, tending, and tendering the welfare of those, which consider none, but themselves. A man were better serve hogs, than some men, many wives, most widows. Yet I would be loath to be misconstrued, or thought to censure any, but curious fools, that none can please: ingrateful wretches, which although a man hath spent the prime of his youth, hindered his fortunes, discharged the part of a faithful steward, when his beauty fadeth, and strength faileth, will thrust him from them (because he cannot perform his wont charge) without recompense or remorse. For the world knoweth, and thousands acknowledge, the munificent liberality of true Gentry, extended towards them, who by service have climbed up to honour, their masters not envying them, but lending their own hand and strength to their ascensions, whose children's children are bound to pray for them: when others, respected like myself, are forced to become humble Petitioners as I am, and are contrarily indebted, to them and theirs, if they do not degenerate from their Predecessors.  
The old Servingman.    

The widow with the old Servingman.  
WEll (thought I) though the fellow have gained small wages, 
The Widow.  yet hath he great words (wheresoever he got them) and can say something for himself, though it avail him little. Let him he traveling towards beggars bush, and think of his sins in his master's Buttery. But stay a while he is in communication with a seeming well demeaned woman, some what stricken in years, yet well favoured, and not past marriage.  
She may do well you think (said Opinion) to make him a man, 
The opinion of the widow.  which made her a woman, when time was (or else there are liars.) But if she be wise, she will not hazard her goods and herself. That she hath, she is sure of, and put the case she wasteth any thing herself, it will be less care, then to have another to lash it out. The wild colt may prove a tame horse, but a wild youth is oftentimes a wilful man. Vincere consuetudinem dura est pugna. It is a fore conflict to subdue custom. She leadeth now a single life (a singular life) she hath her neck out of the yoke, she need not thrust it into it again, unless she lust. If she can keep herself as she is, she is well and a wealthy Widow.   

The maid gotten with child cometh along.  
LEt them go together on God's name (said I) but hei mihi, 
The maid gotten with child.  what a woeful spectacle is this? faciem pulchram, an amiable face, and lovely look: Pretty soul, why doth she powder those fresh cheeks with salt tears? Alas, she can scarce wallow, her belly is so full, yet she ioggeth along, though every foot she looketh to lie down.  
This is one (answered Opinion) whom Nature hath embellished with her rarest ornaments, 
The Opinion of the maid with child.  but fortune furnished with none of her riches. She was poor, therefore despaired of an husband. Light of belief, therefore at this time heavy bellied. Another Dido to believe some wandering AEneas: another AEnone to credit some wandering Paris: another Phillis to trust some swearing Demophon. He promised, and hath fulfilled (but I do not say his promise.) Because he swore he would never forsake her, she supposed he would surely have her: as though he which maketh no scruple to break the seventh Commandment, will make any conscience to keep the third. The apples were fair, the tree comely, and the devil at hand made her fall to them, which procured her fall, and that fall was the cause of this swelling.  
If ever any might proffer a Petition for right, 
The Petition of the maid with child.  or revenge, I have as great reason as any, Being a pure and untouched virgin, voted to Vesta, and devoted to Chastity, till a venerous villain with daily assaults and nightly treacheries, never left battering the weak bulwark of my heart with piercing words, vows, oaths, & protestations, darted from his smooth tongue, till he had surprised me. Hearing him oftentimes swear, seeing him tear his hair, nay, which is more strange for a man, weep in most seeming sadness, kiss my hand with fear and trembling, and voluntarily proffer, and perform much feruitude, which I neither desired nor deserved. Being guiltless of effecting deceit, was free from suspecting: fearing to break an oath, or violate a vow, trusted that he had been possessed with the like fear, (as he was not) at last condescended. Which so soon as he had accomplished, he left me: It is no glory to deceive a maid, no manhood to overthrow the weaker vessel, Yet being outwardly garnished with the gorgeous workmanship of Art and Nature, what labour will not some men take to attain this vessel? what watchings will they not undergo? what wealth will they not waste to compass it? And when they have gotten it, how do they esteem it? even a toy to be played with for a time, and after too. For so soon as they eye another device, they cast away the old, and never are in quiet till they are fingering the new, Fie upon such, they are like warriors of old time, which would spend much cost, and labour to subdue a city, and when they had brought in into subjection, they would instantly leave it, and so march to another, etc. Or like the fantastical fellows of our time, which cannot keep long in one cut, but every foot have a fling at a new fashion: but all not so, and I would there were fewer that are so.  
The maid with child.   

The Parriter rideth after the maid with child.  
I See one a far off, riding as it were to this maid, he will not be here very soon, 
The Parriter  he is so ill horsed. In the mean time I will acquaint you with a jest not unfit to be inserted in this place. There was a pretty maid which in her time had many suitors, the first whereof was very urgent to have his delights with her (as I heard a crooked legged knave term it:) she being a tender hearted thing, as it seemed this was, after a little willing waywardness was won, and lost together. After he had forsaken her, a second came, and served her in like manner: then a third, and after a fourth, (birds of a feather, they flew all after the foremost.) Being thus handled, she began to ware wary, and forswore trusting. In this resolution a fifth came unto her, whose condition was to try all, and if they did agree, he would come no more there. This Gentleman wooing the foresaid supposed maid, set his wit and wealth upon the tenters, to obtain his purpose, but nothing could prevail. She railed most egregiously against his dishonest and unjust request, and scorned the motion: which pleased him very well (though he seemed discontented) and married her. The second night they lay together, he began to speak thus unto her: Thou knowest (sweet heart) how earnest I was to lie with thee before I might lawfully; and I protest, if thou hadst suffered me, we had never been married together. The wife, whether she was half a sleep, or overjoyed, ●or had the heart of an Owl (which they say causeth women to reveal their secrets) laid to her left pap, 
Gesner.  answered him thus. Nay, nay, husband, I was wise enough for that, I trow: for three or four had served me so before I ever beheld your face. This tale I thought meet to set down in this place, that if any maid chance to read over this book, she might take heed how she dishonour herself with any, whether she marrieth or marrieth not, for it will breed future jealousy, though she never after deserve it. 
The Parriter serveth a Process, etc.  But now the horseman is alighted and readeth something to the maid gotten with child, what he is I cannot certainly say, but I do not like his looks, nor that piece of parchment in his hand.  
I will not run (said Opinion) into any particulars wfth him, 
The Opinion of the Pariter.  he is better known in the country then in the city. And whosoever are intus, or in cute (as I may speak) acquainted with him, know him to be an honest man, or a knave.  
Pariter.   

The rejected lover walketh along.  
LEt him return that answer to the Court, and see if they can have an action of slander against you, 
The Lover.  and observe him now that cometh next with his Petition, so trimly tricked up: not a hair amiss with him, unless that which hangeth on the one side of his shoulder, what a pourblinde Earber was he which polled him last. Come a little nearer me, I see now, he can make his old cloak serve the turn, in the last edition newly corrected and augmented, laced and interlaced. He hath a stiff neck, which God hateth, and a straight doublet, which no faithful drunkard can endure, for if he had it but one sitting, he would not leave if worth a button: but the fashion of his breeches, sure he had an honest Tailor, else he might have taken as much from both the outsides next his knees as would have made him two ends of a wallet, which now are very like a pair of Smith's bellows, standing with the smallest ends upwards. A sweet youth no doubt, for he hath two Roses on his shoes to qualify the smell of his féese, if he have no socks, or one would make a Pope of him, and kiss his toe. But why doth he sigh so deeply, and look so sléepily?  
This finical fellow is no fool, although he be none of the wisest: he cares no more for money (if he have it) so he may please his mistress, 
The description of the Lover.  then for such metal as serves only for servile exchange: He can fit his humour to every estate. If he be among Scholars he hath Aristotle at his finger's ends and every phrase smells of Cicero. He can show wit in quicks of Sophistry, and reading in disputations of Philosophy. Amongst Courtiers he ran brave it out as well as the rest, and court women, with most loving and amorous prattle: with them he is in his Q. and keeps the old text, Bonum est nobis esse hic. But their company so besets him, that he forgetteth with Ulysses to stop his ears, and therefore the Sirens put him to shipwreck. He carrieth not the Antidote of Caveat Emptor, against the alluring baits of their beauty, and therefore Folly (for the most part) is his next haven.  
He remembers not, that the eyes of wicked women are snares, and their words charms; that their deceit is much, their desires more, 
The lovers Petition.  and their covetousness most; which the more it drinks the more thirsty it is: their consciences like a Pumice stone, light, and full of holes: whose loves are for lucre, whose hearts are light on his person, and whose hands are heavy on his purse. If he hit upon a Courtesan that is a little coy, though she be altogether unchaste, his delight is to be on her lap: there he lies at rack and manger, & thinks there are no more maids than Malkin. There he sitteth like Sardanapalus, dallying with the flame, till he burn in the fire. So as in the end, coming home by weeping Cross, he buyeth repentance with too dear a price, and becometh at last, A fond, despised, and rejected Lover.  
Being worn with grief, and wasted with discontent, I am constrained to seek remedy and some ease to my mind, which you may afford by doing revenge upon an inconstant Female, who plighted her faith to me, & privately proclaimed me the sole Lord of her Microcosm: but before I was installed I was forestalled by the undermining persuasions of a treacherous usurper, who with his servile courtesies hath insinuated himself into my dominions. Who would trust the wind? A woman's words: who would rely upon a broken reed? a woman's oath. They sigh for them that hate them, and laugh at most that lo●e them. They will have some that will not, and will have few that would feign. Some feeling of their folly had he, which when he beheld his neighbours wife hang herself upon one of the trees in her husband's orchard, requested a graft of the same tree, to see if it would bear any more of the like fruit. And no light burden did that passenger account his wife, who, when the rest in the ship were willed to cast all the bag and baggage, which did surcharge it, overboard, was most willing to hurry his wife into the Sea. Some to show their learning, or rather ignorance, may make large volumes of Encomi●ns in their behalfs, and get perhaps a judas kiss, or a flap with a Fox tail for their labours. For he that hath seen or read any thing at all of this Common place, shall find for one Vesta, many vicious; for one Diana, many darlings; for one Lucrece, many lascivious: did never any but Semeramis lie with her own son? Did never any but Myrrha twine with her own father? Did never any but Biblis dote upon her own brother? Did never any mistress but josephus tempt her household servants? One is no number, I would there were no number of these ones, upon which if you fall, you will be  
The forlorn Lover.   

The country Schoolmaster cometh to the Lover.  
IT is happy you are so short, else we had been wearied with your lovely Petition. 
The Country Schoolmaster.  Me thinks yonder is one that cringeth to him: all his apparel is not worth one Mark, yet he hath a hat on his head of the Spanish block: put the block and his head together and see what they spell. Well done honest genus and species (for thou seemest inclining as it were, that way by thy habit, and pen and inkhorn) read a piece of Ovid de Remedio amoris to him, for though he rail unreasonably against women, yet I am persuaded he doth chastise them, non quod odio habet, sed quod amat.  
Atque hoc humanum est (said Opinion) This man you see which maketh such action with his hands, 
The Opinion of the country Schoolmaster.  as he talketh with the Lover, is one that kéepth a foul coil in the Chancel or Belfrée of a Church. He is a most horrible Tyrant over little children, and makes their breeches quaver with the shake of his Sceptre, alias the Rod. He getteth his living, non per se, but for the most part, per accidens. Yet he can teach Grammar and Aesop's Fables, for he hath them both in print, translated verbum de verbo. Howsoever scholars do esteem of him, ignorant Hobnails hold him for a rare Scholar, for he will speak Latin amongst them extrumpere, and scan verses at his finger's ends. He is a man of sharp learing, which pierceth hard words: he worketh by Rule, like a Carpenter, and can cast a figure, as if he were a conjuror. He is very curious, and standeth much a upon points, he may fitly be coupled with the Lover. For either he is enamoured of his own good parts, or in love with the waiting maid, if he tabled in a Gentleman house, & sometimes winneth her goodwill, but never can get her friends consent. To be brief with him, as he is with his infants, a word and a blow: He is the outside of a Schollee, an imperious commander over boys and wenehes, the head master of the Péepe-taile trade  
A Pedant.   

The old woman married to a young man cometh next.  
SO let them all walk Newgate fashion, two by two: Who is that which hobleth next? Christ bless the woman: 
The old woman married to a young man.  So, wipe your mouth with your Handkerchief after your coughing and spitting. Her forehead is wrinkled like a paper lantern, which boys make: with two thin cheeks, like two washed trenchers, between which, her nose seemeth like the socket, wherein the snot stands like a piece of a farthing Candle. Her mouth like a Cave with two clap doors, to wit, her two lips, without a bolt, that is without a tooth, containing a Pilgrim, a wandering tongue, which mouth (like a Cave) standeth like a Cave between two sharp pointed hills, whose tops do almost touch one another, her Nose and her Chin.  
Mock Age (said Opinion) and see how you will thrive. This toothless, 
The opinion of the old woman married to the young man.  sapless, senseless Beldame, was wife to an honest substantial man, who during his youth endured much labour in gathering riches to maintain himself in years, and her, if she should be superstes, or out live him, as she hath. So she had all he left (which was sufficient) at her own disposing, who was bad enough disposed as it seemed: For as soon as her husband was surely buried, she was all on the hoite, she could not lie alone. An husband was all her care, and many grave men she had choice of, but she gave small entertainment to any of their hair, she had rather have the leg of a Lark, than the body of a Kite: yet the feathers hang in her Maw, which she cannot digest nor vomit, till death lance her throat with his razor. Her Petition will reveals all, for women cannot keep their own secrets. Only this, she is, as it were, a bush of thorns thrust to the hinder parts of a Colt. A very old woman married to a young man.  
Though I might have been better advised by my friends, 
The Petition of the old woman married to the youngman.  forewarning (I confess) yet since I am in the like pickle as others, and have had no less misfortune than they, I may water my woes, and cannot choose but put up my Petition with theirs. Who as it is well known, was wealthy, and therefore soon won: an old woman, and therefore soonest wronged by a beggarly varlet: who at my first view seemed so civilly behaved, as none could mislike him: so well proportioned, as I could not choose but like him, especially having an honest vocation, as he professed, and was well descended though a younger brother, which had his portion to take, as he brought me Certificate. But now I perceive these were but tricks to catch Dotterils. His smooth tongue being his only friend, the lleight and craft of his hands, his only handiecraft, his proportion his only portion, which he had to take. For after we were married he soothed me up, till I showed him my substance, and improvidently without any further trial, committed it to his tuition: which when he had made sure, he handled me most ingratefully: never touching my lips but with his fist, nor warming my fides, but with an ell I used to measure cloth: alleging that if I exclaimed against him, he might safely swear, he did never beat me without measure. He would not be contented to waste himself and my riches amongst whores and roisters all the day: but at unseasonable times, when I was in bed, rush into my house with his queans at his heels, & rouse me out of my rest: make me to remake my bed with fresh sheets for his Trulls, & would leap in amongst them, I being compelled to hold the candle to the Devil, whilst he did his deeds of darkness: Thus did he use me, till I complained to Authority which relieved me, reviled and extruded him my house and company. Then did he depart like a Sheep-biter, retiring himself into a private chamber, cast off his guilded Rapier, spruce leather Boots, and Spurs, got him a Cloak without laces, made a Doublet with a falling choler, wore Gloves of sixpences a pair on his hands: no points on his Breeches, but at the wastband: a pair of sad coloured stockings, tied up strait with Garters no broader than an usurers belt, and his Shooe-latches bound together with russet Inkle: frequented Sermons, sent me most passionate letters, that he had renounced Roisters, abjured whores, settled him-himselfe to a stayed and religious course, and that he shamed to appear in the place I dwelled, he had so wronged me and himself. But if I would go into the country with him, he would purchase some convenient place, where he might live solitary from all company, but myself, and servants. His feigned repentance seemed so hearty, and his flattering lines wrought so with me, that we became atoned, made money of all, and went together, and for three or four days he used me kindly and lay very quietly with me in the nights, but the fifth night (being far from my friends) when I was fast asleep, and never dreamt of any such matter, stole all I had, & ran away, what way I cannot hear, or learn any tidings.  
The old woman married with the young man.   

The Clerk cometh to the old woman.  
THis is the end of liquorice, 
The Clerk.  when a woman hath never a tooth in her head to chaw it. At a glimpse I see a young man with her. Hath she not yet abandoned the company of men without beards? If he be not the man she spoke so much of, what is he?  
He is one that you shall seldom see without clean linen, 
The opinion of a Clerk.  he weareth good clothes, and can write a legible hand: he hath a little learning, and will show it all if you conferro with him: when he rideth abroad with his master, he carrieth two hats, and walketh with a case of Rapiers, one by his side, the other in his hand, his masters and his own. At dinner or supper, either at home or elsewhere, he waiteth at his master's elbow with a trencher at his back, yet he can reach a clean voider to any of the table, if he take a liking to the piece he hath en his foul trencher, he marrieth his master's daughter sometimes, which he hath stolen away, (God a mercy Opportunity.) He can make bonds and obligations to pleasure the parish, if their vicar have not so much Latin, and indite a love letter for himself or his fellows: if any misdemeanour be committed near him, when complaint is made thereof, he writeth warrants to apprehend the offenders. He is a justices Clerk, which may warrant this old woman for getting her husband or her goods again, though she pray, and pay never so many warrants.   

The young woman cometh married to an old man.  
ANother passeth on passing portly, 
The young woman.  a sweet woman, she smelleth hither: and a rolling eye she hath, it turneth with a trice on both sides: a fair hair, if it be her own: a rare face if it be not painted: a white skin, if it be not plastered: a full breast, if it be not bolstered: a strait back, if it be not helped: a slender waste, if it be not pinched: a likely leg if it be not lined: a pretty foot, if it be not in the shoemakers stocks: a fair, rare, sweet, meet body, if it be not dishonest.  
Your supposes pose me (said Opinion) neither can I say or gainsay. 
The opinion of the young woman married to the old Man.  Nature in beauty is better than Art; yet Art in show surpasseth Nature. She is proudly attired, yet perchance humbly minded: loftily advanced, yet it may be lowly descended: vildly suspected, yet peradventure virtuously addicted. The world now adays is round with such as she is, and too rash in their censures: condemning such as are innocent, and quitting many that are culpable: but that which is past mending is past meddling withal. Therefore leave it, and look upon this lustre: fair she is and virtuous: riches she enjoys, yet hath no great joy of riches: married she is, yet I make question, whether she be a maid or no, being a young woman married to a very old jealous man.  
My requests are not unreasonable, 
The Petition of the young Woman married to the old Man.  nor void of good cause, being a woman of tender age, as your eyes may witness, and of a vexed spirit, as these lines will manifest: that would choose rather to be laid in my grave then on my bed; feed of the worms, then eat with such a worm-eaten old jealous husband as I do: whose age I do reverence, and find fault with no deformity, which time hath thrust upon him, but with his causeless suspicions, and immerited mistrusts of me. For did he hem more than a town of Tailors, or hawk oftener than a country of Falconers, I could endure it, I am so enured thereunto: were the parts of his body never so nauseas & detestable, I could away with them, so his reason were sound and savoury: but his wisdom (like his eyes) is sunk into his head, too far for hereafter appearing: his will stronger than his breath: his understanding feebler than his fingers: and his judgement corrupter than his body. 
The praise of some old Men.  It is an admiration to see the difference of some of his years, how directly they will talk, what majesty is in their looks, what wisdom in their discourse? Not a word without his weight, not a sentence without good sense: not a deed unless absolutely performed. They will blame nothing that is not blame worthy, nor condemn any without assured reason. But my Zelotipus raileth without reason, knocks his staff against the stones, blames me without offence. Oh that some good Fortune would therefore cure me of this care, and salve me of this sorrow: For never shall I reap days rest, night's content, hours quiet, minute's mirth, so long as I have this impostume in my head, this pin and web in mine eye, this canker in my nose, this scab on my lip, this jealous old husband.  

The young woman married with a very old jealous man.  
Now I hear this Petition, it bringeth into my mind a merry conceit. There was a very old man, which married a maid, who meeting a friend of his, did importune him to know what the people spoke of his marriage. Who made him this answer: There was a poor man which had but one peck of corn to grind, and would needs build a Mill to grind it, and when he had ground his corn, the mill stood empty, so that afterwards all the neighbours came to grind their grists there. This I infer, not to defame any, but to show how ready the world is to speak the worst.  
Whatsoever you say (said Opinion) unequal marriages do mar ages, and such made matches as these, prove but mad matches, yet of the two, I hold it more convient that old Tithon should have a fresh Amora, than an aged woman to be linked in matrimony with a beardless boy.    

The Cuckold passeth along.  
SUfficnt for this theme, another doth appear or rather peer. 
The Cuckold  heavens secure my senses, if I be not distracted, he is a Proteus, a Chameleon, an Omnigatherum, God make him an honest man, for I would be loath to make any one such a one as he is.  
He will trouble me to paint him, 
The Opinion of a Cuckold  (said Opinion) I know not what colours to lay upon his face, for some times he is of a sanguine complexion, sometimes he looketh pale, sometimes tawny, or Moritawny, like Tobacco. Neither can I tell how to frame him, for he is sometimes tall, sometimes low, sometimes gross, sometimes gracile. Nor expressly say what vocation he is of, for sometimes he is a Citizen, sometimes a Farmer sometimes a Lawyer; sometimes a Scholar, etc. He hath a proper woman to his wife, yet common, he toileth to maintain other men's labours, yet he reapeth that which he never wrought for, he wasteth all the corn in his own hatches on other men's Barns, yet he keepeth that which he never got, But to draw you out of this Labyrinth with one line, Cornu ferit ille, If he have not Corns on his toes, he hath Horns on his Head. He is his wives fool amongst her copesmates, wanton wenches pastime amongst themselves, and wags game to play at with two fingers.  

A Cuckold.  
Loath I am to bewray my griefs unto you, 
The Cuckold's Petition.  did not the loathing of the life I lead egg me against my nature to wish that I would not: I have many years been bound in a bond, which hath undone me, yoked with a curtal which hath played me many jades tricks, a wanton wayward well favoured wife: who falsifying her faith and breaking the bonds she sealed most solemnly before a congregation, doth often that which shame sylenceth me for uttering. I dare not meet her, she keeps such courageous company I cannot content her any way, she hath outwardly what she likes unwardly: and what she thrusts away with one finger, she pulls again with both her hands: when I fawn on her, she will be froward: If I be but a little absent, she wishes my presence. Her thoughts are like Babies fancies, that will, and will not. My deeds cannot suffice her, for she is a woman, My speech cannot please her she is so captious, nor my looks like her, she is so curious. None feel the rages of diseases, but they which have them. None so truly know the torments of hell, as they which feel them? Nor any feeleth the torments, or knoweth the rages, that I do, unless he live in such an hell, or have the like disease, as I have. Many, are haunted with hags, but never any with such an haggard: They live caute though not cast: but my Venus lieth so visibly in her Networkes, that not only God's eyes, but men's behold her. Yet fain would I reform her, but neither fair means can persuade her, nor fowl scar her. If I endeavour with good counsel to dissuade her from her former follies, her answer is, I preach too learnedly for her to edify by me. If I plead plainly with her, then at the next word, I am Sir john Lacklatine: If I can collect some witty saying fit for my purpose, that will touch her to the quick, than she saith, I am all wit, or a wit all: If I threaten her, she hath enough to shield her: If I mention but a bill of divorcement, it is her only desire: If I keep her short of money, she makes devilish oaths and vows that she will have Money, or some body shall pay for it: if I for quietness sake should lock her up into her chamber, the next time I stir abroad, I am arrested for some debt of hers, which she ran into for such a purpose. 
In me turba ruunt luxuriosa proci,  
In mea regnant nullis prohibentabus, aula.  Never shall I enjoy rest, so long as she and I breathe together. Such therefore as have not the same causes of complaints as I have, and yet live not contented I wish their fortunes to be, that they may be troubled with my pain and headache.  
The Cuckold,    

The old Soldier cometh along.  
BUt stay, here's an other limpeth a long: pity a me, an Hetaroclite, 
The old Soldier.  he lacketh an hand. There are scars on his face, would scar a timorous body to behold: he looketh gravely, as though he had not long to live, and leaneth upon his truncheon, as if his body were about to fall away: come alongst lustily, and halt not before thy friends. Sure he is a man of worth for he hath his hangers on.  
Your jests (said Opinion) are too tart, 
The Opinion of the old Soldier.  and your merriment over much upon so moanful a Man, which deserveth to be pitied, rather than to be played upon, and meriteth relief more than mocking. He hath borne Arms, howsoever now he be disarmed: he hath had a sword to stieke by him, though now he hath no other weapon than a stieke in his hand: he hath lost his limbs but not in some drunken fray, and got those Cycatrices, but not in the defence of any Cockatrices: He hath fought against the walls of the enemy but never fought against any for the wall, as he walked in the street. He will not stab for the lie, and yet he will not take the lie in his Country's disgrace. He is none of your swashing Captains, that usurp the title, when they never fought under any colours but Venuses: and they will die rather than they will fly from her colours. Never handled piece, unless of meat, bread etc. Never discharged shot unless in a Tavern where they met with too hot shots sometimes for their discharging. Neither is he any of your counterfeit Duelloes, discoursing of battles they never came near, telling of monsters they never beheld, unless in a painted cloth: swearing they were hurt in the defence of Christianity against Mahomotistes, when if they were wounded, it was at Groin at farthest. He is no Triton of his own praises: nor Chronologer of his old exploits, he is an arrant Coward in wrangling brawls, a more Craven in unjust conflicts, a very pygmy in paltrey frays: but in a just cause as valorous as Hector, and as puissant as Hercules, a true, faithful and religious Soldier.  
My humble suit is for better Fortune, 
The Petition of the old Soldier.  for men are now become so ingrateful and hard hearted, that they do not consider those which have been their friends, nor reward such as when need served, warded them from imminent distresses: the times passed no man thinks upon: the time to come few dream of: but all are for the time present. A Soldier hath helped them, and now God help Soldiers, for not many will: a soldier may help them, and then may help himself, and then they will help him also: but now a Soldier doth them no good, and therefore they will do him as little. They live in peace, that bringeth plenty, and that pride: but pride may have a fall, and peace and plenty their hoods turned over their heads: which I neither wish nor pray for, but if they have, Spernitur orator bonus, horridus milos amatur. In the mean time, we, who have wholly decayed our limbs, and impoverished our estates in the wars, may show our scars to uncompassionate eyes, and receive no further help then Christ help you, good words, would we were able: good wishes for themselves: when as the superfluity of one pair of their shoe-ties would yield us much comfort: but I cannot, neither will I go about to condemn any absolutely, the world is so pestered with idle vagabonds, which under the name of Soldiers and forged passports, have so wronged some, that it withdraweth the hearts of most from conferring their benevolence upon any: for I am persuaded that no true borne spirit will deny some relief to a true Soldiers in his want. And Pre-eminence hath allowed them well, though it be ill enough distributed in some places: the fault is not in the givers, but of inferiors which are put in trust to dispose it. But the God of war hath so many Apostates, that the true borne, fare the worse for the illegitimate. This boon I therefore crave, that all the ranks of rogues, and runagates, shrouding themselves in the cast-suites of Soldiers, might be rooted out, or sent upon a boon voyage to the new found Land, by which means Hens & Capons may sit at roost quietly in the night, and peck about the garth all the day: shirts and other naperie hang upon hedges, till the Sun set, shops be kept shut, and windows stand wide open to let in air, without fear of Creepers, to the great comfort both of city, and country.  
The old Soldier.   

The Prentice cometh along.  
WHen the Lion was old, 
The Prentice.  the Ass came and kicked him: and when a Soldier hath lost his limbs, every coward will crow over him. I would say more in thy behalf, and do as much as I speak, if I were able. But I am anticipated by the speedy entrance of another, with his cloak clapped under his left Arme. A pretty youth, very decently appareled, but he goeth very fast, as if he went of an errant, what may he be.  
He may be a man (said Opinion) if he live, 
The opinion of the Prentice.  an honest man man if he live upright. A sound man, if he fly surfeits, and whores: a thriving man if he shun riotous company: a rich man, if he be thriving: a Sheriff, if he be a rich man: An Alderman if he be a Sheriff: A Mayor, if he be an Alderman: a Knight if he be a Mayor: But yet he is a Prentice.  
divers are the calamities of some of my rank, 
The Petition of the apprentice  and many the miseries they are exposed to, faring hardly, and labouring hardly: but such as will we are Gold must get it, they which will win honour must wage with many adventures: He which thinketh to profit must cashier the very thought of pleasure, Riding with care and running with pain: Sitting with providence, and lying with consideration: Eating with frugality and drinking with moderation: Since therefore honourable men must endeavour for Renown: Learned men study for their knowledge: Richmen labour for their gains: Tradesmen travel for their Sciences: All men, (which will live like men in their age) labour like beasts in their youth, unless they have Lands to trust to: My meaning is not to disparaged learning, because it is hard to attain dispraise honour, because it is difficult to get: discourage Prentices, because their beginnings are laborious: for I have read that the base of Parnassus is full of briars, thorns, and thistles, but the top, plain as heaven, & smooth as the moons face. I have heard that the steps which ascend to honour, are like the stairs which mount to the height of a Maze, many and endless. The doors conducting thereunto, infinite, and intricate, but the top like the top of Olympus, and the rooms pleasant, and spacious, garnished with more than mortal objects. And I know by Experience that the skill and secrecy of mechanical Arts, are not got (like a loose woman) at first sight. Neither will yield any great profit at first labouring, any more than a barren ground at the first sowing, I do not therefore Cavil with my calling, nor am pensive for the pains I endure; but the original of all my sorrow is a Mistress so peevish, proud, petulant: oh si fas dicere. She came naked into the City and shall return naked out of the city, unless she do penance with a white sheet pinned about her when she is dead, as she deserveth now she liveth. Her Mother is very well known for a poor woman, but I think she never knew her father. My honest master married her for love, and had nought with her, and he is likely to have nought so long as he hath her: yet she flaunteth with the finest, and gaddeth abroad with the giddiest: looketh for greater service than an Empress; and more duty than a Duchess: envying all that are more bravely trapped then herself, and confederates with few, but such as are wanton entrapped as she is. Her Wenches feel the weight of her light fingers, and we have many a peal wrong about our ears too: We wait all the day to serve our masters Chapmen, but when any of her Customers come, we are sent abroad on a sleeveless errand, and then what becomes of our masters ware? I do now wish that some fair Chance may light upon her, to rid my suspectless master of so foul a mischief, both for his own sake and welfare, and the future quietness of his trusty Servants. But to all good Mistresses, whose conditions are contrary to hers, I do wish Fortune to pour upon them the abundance of her favours.  
The Prentice.   

The Mal-content walketh along.  
WEll said young Prentice, 
The Malcontent.  Macte tua virtute puer, Sic itur ad astra. proceed as thou hast begun, and doubt not to become a good Common weales-man, when thou hast gotten thee a bigger purse, a better office, and a larger beard. Another ioggeth along, spurning the pavement as if he were angry with it. For shame let not thine hat hang over thine eyes? Dost thou despair of thy face, thou maskst it so with thy cloak? hold up thine head like a man: and pin thy band thou sloven; Button thy wrists, it is wholesome, and garter thy stockings it is handsome.  
His thoughts (said Opinion) are as confused, 
The Opinion of the Malcontent.  as his apparel: he brableth with his stars, & brawleth at his creation: he wisheth the Caule which wrapped him in his mother's womb, had been his winding sheet: and he which breathed that Promotheon fire into him, had put it out. The welfare of others is his bane, and their ruin Balsamum to him: He thinks better of himself than he diserueth, and worse of others than they demerit: He preacheth that which he will not follow, & follows that which no true Christian will preach: his words are lightning, which though they alight upon all, yet they fire few: what he thinketh, he bolteth out without charity. He wipeth vices tail with his tongue, and that is the reason his words are so unsavoury. He is like a bawling dog, that barks at all that gallops on horseback, when he goes a foot: like a mad dog that snappeth at all that meet him: like a mastiff that worrieth oftentimes such as come near him. He is other men's foe, and none of his own friend: he disliketh both extremes, and thinketh meanly of the mean: he is a Misanthropos, which hateth men, a Narcissus which loveth not women, a Diogenes which carpeth at all, a malicious Mal-content.  
If you tender the welfare of a Discontent, 
The Mal-contents Petition.  whose perturbed Spirit, haunteth you in this white sheet, pour down your disastrous accidents upon the world's wasters, disorders, vice, and villainy. Say this Petition be prejudicial to many: many have stradled over the like style, and more would walk in the same path, were they not extruded and excluded. What rare Machiavils (right matchless villains) how many be directed to the Barathrum of beggary, so they be mounted upon the heaven of honour? What remorse hath a reprobate who starve and want clothing, so he be full fed, and gorgeously arrayed? I am no Spaniel to fawn upon men, nor little Puppy to lick the excrements of women. The Devil domineereth like a great commander, and his soldiers march under the colour of honesty, which now a days is accounted like a strumpet, He which useth it shall die a beggar. Covetousness is become a Tradesman, and Pride his wife. Drunkenness the only sociable companion, & Lechery the sole good fellow: Gluttony is a great man, and Envy a younger brother: Sloth hath got a living: Oh Sodom, thou wast fired for thy sins, yet thy sins escaped, and range hic & ubique, Old tire, thou wast dejected, new tires are erected: Redit or bis in orbem. The Ass hath got on the Lion's skin, lusty Hearts cast their horns amongst the Fauns: Spiders make their Cobwebs in kings Courts: little conies undermine huge Castles, and pull the walls upon their own heads: Omnium rerum vicissitudo. Freemen are become slaves: Rich men turned beggars: Beggars changed to rich men, Asperius nihil est. Oh tempore, oh mores! Beasts lie in houses, Serpents crawl in corners, Cooks keep in cities, Daws in old Churches, Wagtails in great places: Saint Peter's Vicar is turned Myner, and doth traffic with saltpeter; Monstrum inform, ingens, cui lumen veraepietatis est ademptum.  
The Mal-content.   

The poor Scholar walketh by.  
HE fisheth finely and is likely to catch Carp, 
The poor Scholar.  and pouting. But what monsieur Male-goe is this, that cometh next, so displaying the fretted Tuffe-Taffity-facing of his thread bare cloak? Cannot he walk uprightly like an honest man, but jet it so like a jennet, and wag his head to and frolic a Weathercock? Fie upon it what Rustical lagges he maketh like a Tenant, or a country Curate, which never came any nearer to an University than Lincoln Minster. Odit prophanum vulgens, He is none of your Plebeians in his own conceit, but Apollo's godson, christened in the Pirenean, or Hyporrenean fount, he is a common Soldier under Minerva's ensign, and fighteth like a Grammar scholar with Pen and Inkhorn.  
Oh forbear (said Opinion) do not bewray your own nest, 
The Opinion of a poor Scholar.  turn not student of the law, & forget your old Academical associates: yet I think you speak not this out of malies to the parties, but of mere love, that they seeing their foolish gates gibed at, may amend them: for there are some of your pert iwenal's, that mince it, as if they were citizens wives: and yet I will not say that it proceedeth from any pride, or overweening conceit in all that do so: but of an ill habit, which they have gotten by a careless and fantastical carriage. But let that pass, and i'll show you what this present Petitioner is: to wit, One which though he did never eat Porridge in the Inns of Court without a spoon●, yet he hath made foul shift to devour his dinner in a College without a Trencher; though he cannot carve a Capon without the help of a Cleauer, or unlace a Rabbit like a cunning Carver. Rostra disertus amat, yet he can eat roast well enough to please himself. He is a King in his own conceit: and hath more in him then every one can conceive: He deserveth better favour than the world affordeth him: and yet he hath as good favour as any in the world which hath no better than he hath: How he hath been estimated in former times, it boots him not, yet he hath Boötes when he rideth, though he borrow them. To be short, and serious, he is rejected of fools, respected of the wise, held in disgrace among profane, but in reverent reputation with those, which are sincerely religious, Nothing regarded by the covetous and base minded churls, but greatly rewarded by the liberal and truly descended Gentility, a Scholar.  
Would it not grieve that gentleman, 
The poor scholars Petition.  which had sold his signories, and spent the money upon hopes of preferment, and in fine, behold his inferiors advanced, and himself obtain no greater reward then fair promises and faithless protestations? Would it not kill that soldiers heart with grief, which when he had lost his limbs, and left his living for his countries good, returning feeble, and decrepit to his native Country, to be Caged, Stocked, and baited with Beadles? And would it not pine that Scholar, and make him look like the vicar of Saint Alban's, that hath been brought up seven years under the launching lash of a lefthanded Schoolmaster, & after that feed with 3. penny chaps, & very singular beer in an University, rose early, & watched late, Per tot discrimina rerum tendimus ad latium, through many troubles we attain to Latin, and after all this, to be a poor Pen-an-Inck-horne wearer, a Pedagog, one that teacheth Scholars for 5. pence the week, and at the quarter day is glad to take choake-cheese, and barrel butter for the Summa Totalis: Proh deum, atque hominum fidem. Oh that some fellow which had but a little wit, and no wisdom, might traverse this Parenthesis: methinks I apprehend him already how unreasonably he would rail upon the 7. liberal Sciences, wish Parnassus turned to a Molehill, & that Vulcan, when he clave Minerva out of jupiter's brain, had knocked out the brains too, because that he carrying the Muses, as familiars about him, should be pinched with want, when he knoweth many servile grooms, whose qualities or dimensions are no way surpassing his, promoted from the stable to the table, from the table to the bed. But ho there Signior: He that can pick any thing out of a painted cloth, may perceive by fortune painted muffled in a tree, throwing down upon some, Crowns: others, military weapons: some bags of Gold, others Sacks of Salt: Some one thing, others another thing: Some must be Kings and overrule all, some must be Soldiers, and fight for their Country, some must be husbandmen, and dig commodity from the earth, some must be Astronomers, and pluck profit from the stars: some must have more than they can carry, and such are richmen: some must be men of good carriage, and can get little, & such are Porters: some must have livings enough be queathed them, and some must not have so much as an hair left them: some must lead the world in a string, and some must leave the world in a string: Quae cum ita sint (oh most mutable) I do not grudge at my calamities, but the causes: Aueroas Maecenasses and dunstical Dondegoes, which will allow a Scholar no more, that should waft them to heaven, than a Sculler that should carry them alongst the Themes, or any other havens: Musas facientes Mulos: Making the Muses, Mules, jades, or Hackneys: For suppose a Scholar (like old Bias) carrieth all his Lands about him, be intertaynd into any of their houses, as many be: Though he be a good Grammarian, one that can chop Logic, and like the freshman, returning from Athens, make three eggs of two, and his father eating the two, bade him take the third for his cunning: imagine he can pretty well in Philosophy natural, and metaphysical, tell half an hundredth lies out of Pliny: hath some insight in Poetry, and if he had maintenance and countenance would be come a sound Practitioner in the deepest Science: This fellow for all this shall be lodged next the kitchen, where the Cooks, and skulls keep such a scolding that they will take order for his studying: or in some ruinous room, where his Master's Father's Ghost is reported to walk: and Robin-good fellow and Hobgoblins, are said to play their fagayries in the night, so that he will take no rest for sleeping and all the day he shall spend himself poring over my Lady Faynewoulds capable elder: and three or four froward (I should say toward) younger Brothers: for which turmoils his yearly stipend shall be 5. marks, besides the Patrons, or the widows countenance: Which may be so good that few Scholars having reasonable Noses in their faces, would be loath to have it for forty pounds. Now for his fare, it is lightly at the chiefest Table, but he must sit under the Salt, that is an Axiom in such places: and before he take his seat, Memorandum he have two legs in store, one for the Master, another for the Mistress: Then having drawn his Knife leisurably, unfolded his Napkin mannerly, after twice or thrice wiping his Beard (if he have it) he may reach the Bread on his Knife's point, and fall to his porridge and between every Spoonful take as much deliberation, as a Capon cramming (lest he be out of his porridge before they have buried part of their first course in their Bellies) And at the second service (if there be any such hot service) the refuse of the former shall be set before him, but oftentimes like a rifled Soldier, having not so much as a good piece left, or like the picture of death, all bones, which putteth him in mind to decline bonus, bona, bonum: but this must be understood to happen at an hunting dinner, or after he hath whipped his eldest Scholar, for so long as my young Master liketh his Schoolmaster, and may take no farther at his lesson, than he list, his mother will be most respective, but if he once contradict him, and print winger upon his posteriors, than laments are raised, there is an insurrection amongst the pen-boys Peter Provin the horse-keeper will do Zavods that he will. The Cook will put poison in his porridge, or work him some other mischief, if he durst: then enters the Fleire, like the Chorus in a Tragedy, and telleth all. The mother like a tender hearted Auditor, pitieth the Scene, busseth her boy, and telleth him he shall be beaten no more, No, that he shall not. Thus doth the old fool hug young jackanapes, till she spoil him: yet here is not the full Catastrophe, for she will never rest till she have lifted him out of her house, and will have another in his room, it maketh no matter what he be, so he will not whip her boy and serve for little wages, he will serve the turn: I marry, this maketh so many wild youths, and wise aged men: When the earth is not well manured, tilled and ploughed, it is rank, and sterile, and where youth wanteth nurture, age is ignorant, and ill mannered. The Bear by licking her whelps bringeth them into some form, but many mothers by lolling their children turn them out of all good fashion. The love of Parents towards them children is natural and not to be blamed, but this Cockering is fond, and hurtful: Wax being soft, will suffer any impression, and children being young are as capable of goodness, if they be trained up thereafter: as they are prone to knavery without any great inducements. The Colt at first backing will curvet, and winch, but after he hath chancked the bit a while, and felt the Spur in his side, he becometh more tractable: Not an Hedgeplasher but can say, he which will have a thorn, must cut a thorn, and if they would have these tender plants to prove godly Columns in the Commonwealth, let them be lopped, and dressed in dry season: let them be carefully tutored, and encouraged by fair means, and reasonable recreation: If that will not work with them, use a stronger potion: Qui non vult, duci, debet, trahi, He that will not go gently, must be dragged uncourteously: The tranquil government of our commonwealth doth sufficiently manifest, how much our Land is blessed with a thrice worthy King: provident Counsel, upright judges, learned and well educated Gentlemen, zealous Divines, any cunning Lawyers enough, yet it may be observed in some places where many are congregated about public affairs, others shuffled in, which whilst the others are poising the weightiest matters, sit like Ciphers, and if any question be put unto them. Obmutuerunt; Putas ne verbum potuisse proloqui: They can tell the Clock dandle their gloves, or play with their forepoints, their Mothers taught them those Lessons, when they sat playing with them upon their Knees: They think they pleasure their Country, if they vouchsafe their presence, and grace themselves, if they put of the hat handsomely, and nod the head with a Cloudy countenance, as who would say, it is an hard case, but Verbum non amplius: And what is the cause of this, but whilst the one kept close at their books both at home and abroad in the University and Inns of Court, the other were yalping after a Kennel of Hounds, in their youth, or whoping at an Owl in an juy-bush. Their parents would not be at the cost to maintain a good Scholar to train them up▪ nor their Mothers suffer them to endure any hardness, or labour: without which true knowledge cannot be attained: And as many of these are careless for the well educating of their children: So most of them are supine and negligent of themselves. What careth the covetous Patron, so he can compound to his contentment: Be he one of Bale Priests, or a bald Priest, if he can read the Authorised Service: Be he of what Tribe he will, if he can honorable over an homily with a weeks warning: As for monthly Sermons, it is but greasing a Parater; and the Churchwarden, is his Tenant: he will be sworn on a book to an omne bene: Infoelix oh semper ovis. Too many places are full of such, which are more meet to be fishermen, than fishers of men, and fitter to catch soles, then, souls, which either behave themselves like the dog in the Manger, which neither would eat hay himself, nor suffer the beast: Which either keep the children's bread from them, or if they give them any, they do so mouth it, and mangle it, that it becometh most loathsome, coming from such filthy hands, and handling, which I wish were otherwise, that the poverties of pour Scholars might be pitied, their Petitions preferred, their fortunes bettered, & what is amiss, might be amended.  
The poor Scholar.   

The Scholar hath frustrated my expectation (said I) for I did expect he should have wished ill luck to light upon his enemies as the others have. Touching his speech I durft aver it to be true: For drones drive out the Bees, and the wolves in sheep's clothing weary the Lambs: They take the tithes, though they take not the pains. Amongst all which I think it reason, that that Parson should have tithe porridge, which out of the heat of a good stomach (I judge it was) taught his parishioners wives in a quarterly Sermon four ways to heel a pot, when it began to seethe over: A right worthy domestical chaplain for Helihogabalus, yet if you mark, it is a profitable dish of doctrine, for unless it be followed, all the fat is in the fire: But how now? who cometh next? There are many Petitioners behind. How chance they step not forward? I perceive the Beadle is angry, and will suffer no more to be preferred or brought into the City, till answer be made to the rest that are already exhibited.    

A PROSOPOPAEIA OR IMAGINED ANSWER TO THE FORMER PETITIOners. by Dame Fortune  

NO more Petitions, I have heard too much,  
Too mischievous, and monstrous wickedness,  
Nor will I condescend to any such  
As seek by others woe to purchase bliss:  
Your suits so wicked, your Petitions full  
O sensual appetites, I disannul.   

Fond worldlings, think you, that every furious curse  
Belched 'gainst your foes, shall bring them to their wrack?  
Or every foolish wish your fancy's nurse,  
Will with an approbation be sent back?  
Then should the world be as it first began,  
Replete with beasts, but dispossessed of man.   

For as you are by natural instinct  
Infirm, and subject to affections:  
So are your wilful Supplications linked  
With others ruins, and subversions:  
But he that knoweth best what's good, what's ill,  
Pays all, not as they would, but as he will.   

And therefore know, that whosoe'er you curse,  
Are not accursed for your curse alone,  
Nor they whom you wish punishments, are worse  
For your rash wishes public or unknown:  
Nor I myself, if that I would, can do  
Hurt to the parties, you incite me to.   

For that Ens Entium, all the world's first maker,  
Existent without fine, and uncreate  
Makes any thing the cause and joint partaker  
Of his consuming rage, to ruinate  
His chiefest earthly fabric, when and where  
He please, it from a sinful earth to tear.   

Thus much in general: Now I will regress  
More specially to each particular,  
And as you did appear at first, redress,  
To here your answers, which I'll not defer  
With dull procrastinations, but begin  
With her, who first put her Petition in.   

Detested woman, 
The answer to the Harrlot  shame unto thy Sex,  
Which prostitut'st thy body unto all,  
Making thyself the filth and loathsome fex  
That brings thine own decay and others thrall:  
Leave of thy loathed trading, and be bound  
A new to honesty, that's safe and sound.   

Consider why thou wert created first  
To serve thy Maker, and bring forth increase,  
From which, thy loathed life, and quenchless thirst  
Of variable lust, compels thee cease.  
For thy foul life so odious in heavens eye  
Can leave the world no prosperous progeny.   

Next call to mind the pleasures thou hast passed,  
The dainty fare, sweet music, and delight,  
How momentarily and soon they wast,  
Like to a flash of lightning in the night,  
Or like a Lark, that swiftly mounts the sky,  
Now seen, but out of prospect by and by.   

And last of all, think but upon thine end,  
When Age begins to nestle in thy bones,  
What anguishs thy former courses send,  
Fraught with heart-wasting aches, pangs and groans:  
And after all, how thou art sure to fry,  
If thou dost persevere, eternally.   

Thou which hast lavished thy estate, and spent  
Thy prime of time, 
To the Spendall.  in unadvised excess,  
Do not misspend the refidue that's lent  
To cure thy cares, and drive thee from distress:  
If thou hast grace, there's grace enough in store,  
For him that truly can that grace implore.   

Lust, Pride and Riot, wrestling in thy breast,  
Have given thy Fortunes, and thyself the fall,  
Yet lie not groveling with despair oppressed,  
Although thou canst not all that's past recall,  
Thou mayst redeem that thou hast pawned to hell,  
Thy piteous soul hereafter, living well.   

Thou country Client with invective jaws,  
Darting thy malice and intestine grief, 
To the country Client.   
Upon some bad perverters of the Laws,  
Shalt ease thyself and purchase great relief,  
By shunning the occasions of thy falls,  
Uncharitable deeds, litigious brawls.   

If thou wouldst have revenge upon them all,  
Live orderly, devoid of wrong and strife:  
So mayst thou such contentious wrangles gall,  
By leading a contented and mild life:  
For while each petty trespass, brawl and taunt,  
Are took in snuff and dudgeon, Lawyers flaunt.   

The Servingman came next, which hath reviled  
The slight rewarding of his youthful pains,  
Though some that trust to others, are beguiled,  
Yet faithful service oft reaps certain gains,  
Ingratitude if rife, yet there are such  
That deem no guerdon for their servants much.   

But seeing thou fellst (as thy Petition shows)  
Between the griping claws of averous churls,  
Impatient speech, proclaimed against all those,  
To further inconvenience hurls  
Thy desperate state: how ere it did commence,  
Take't as thy sins deserved recompense.   

Thou, which wert credulous to judge all true  
A young man uttered in the heat of blood, 
To the Maid with child.   
So piteously dost now too late bedew  
Thy cheeks with tears: it is a token good,  
If they do trickle from a sorrowing soul,  
Not for thy loves loss, but thy deeds so foul.   

Where sores are cureless, there's no help by care  
Content will mitigate each Discontent,  
Kept as a shield to ward thee from Despair,  
And fierce assaults of future languishment,  
The causer cannot thrive: what heretofore  
You did commit, Repent: but sin no more.   

You are too hot, too eager, and to keen  
'Gainst those you love so well, the female kind,  
Bolting outrageous terms, 
To the Lover  orecloged with spleen,  
From the distracted passions of your mind,  
Sincerely virtuous, many may be found,  
Though some with many vices do abound.   

If one have wronged you, wrong not all for one  
Nor dote on her, that hath forsaken you,  
One precious stone doth cut another stone,  
there's plenty yet abroad, go get a new,  
Seek with discretion, and doubt not to find  
A constant Mate, that may content thy mind.   

Old woman, 
To the old woman married with the young man.  leave complaining, 'tis too late  
For you to lodge within a youngsters bed,  
You are decrepit, and grown out of date  
To rain a flinging Colts, unwieldy head  
A prayer book linked to your shaking hands  
Were fitter far than youngest wedlock bands.   

Do not repine, 
To the young woman married to the old man.  or grudge, young lovely creature  
At unescaped Destiny, Marriage:  
Nor macerate with cares your beauteous feature  
Banning cannot abate your grief, nor rage  
Nor any other thing salve your disease,  
Until the cutting Destiny doth please.   

Imagine that thou art a weaned child  
Hugged in the bosom of an aged nurse  
Let deeds and words be dutiful and mild  
Lest they do make thy anguishes the worse,  
For in a moment Age with Rage is tossed  
And waxeth most impatient, being crossed.   

Thou that Petition'st 'gainst thy wives offence  
See thou be clear thyself of the like spot, 
To the Cuckold.   
Then mayst thou with more right thy suit commence,  
Or else take quietly thy crooked lot,  
For he that strikes with Sword, it is decreed  
Shall be restruck with Scabbard, till he bleed.   

Courageous Soldier, 
To the Soldier.  whose true valorous heart  
Was never daunted with invading foes  
But caused thy greatest enemies to start  
(At thy assailing them) like timorous Does,  
Vanquish thyself, and chance which pulls thee down  
A thing more mighty then to win a Town.   

Live carefully young Prentice, 
To the Prentice.  be no waster  
Of others goods, abandon filthy whores,  
And dissolute assemblies: Please thy Master  
And all the night keep close within his doors,  
Rove not about the suburbs and the streets  
When he doth think you wrapped between your sheets.   

Too many take such courses vile and base  
To their own miseries and masters fall  
But if thou do thy duty in thy place  
And providently keep within thy stall,  
When they ride bound, or lurk in some by-lnae  
Thou mayst ride with thy foot-cloth, and gold chain,   

Thou that in vain dost wrangle with thy stars, 
To the Malcontent.   
And cavil at the facts by others done,  
Leave of thy selfe-destroying civil wars,  
And intermeddling with all others, shun,  
Enormeties enough thou hast to mend  
If to thine own affairs thou do descend.   

And to conclude, 
To all.  let all for certain know  
That God's revengeful Iron Bow is bend  
And shafts in readiness to overthrow  
Sins harbourers, that do not soon repent,  
Let each one therefore his wild courses meud,  
A wicked life makes seldom a good end.   
With that, me thought, I saw Fortune transported out of sight, & the Petitioners made such an humming at her departure, as if it had been at the applonsive end of an University oration, or other Scholar like exercise, that they awaked me with the noise, who in the end, writ the premises.  
FINIS.