THE penniless PARLIAMENT OF Threadbare Poets: OR, All mirth and witty Conceits.  
PRINTED At London for William Barley, and are to be sold at his shop in Gracious street near Leadenhall gate. 1608.   

Hear beginneth the penniless Parliament of threadbare Poets.  
FIrst of all, for the increase of every Fool in his humour, we think it necessary & convenient, that all such as buys this Book, and laughs not at it before he hath read it over, shall be condemned of Melancholy, and be adjudged to walk over More-fieldes twice a week in a foul Shirt, and a pair of Boötes, but no Stockings.  
It is also agreed upon, that long Bearded men shall seldom prove the wisest; and that a Niggard's purse shall scarce bequeath his Master a good Dinner: and because Water is like to prove so weak an element in the world, that men and women will want Tears to bewail their sins, we charge and command all Gardeners to sow more store of Onions, for fear Widows should want moisture to bewail their husbands Funerals.  
In like manner we think it fit, that Red-wine should be drunk with Oysters: and that some Maidens shall blush more for shame, then for shamefastness: But men must have care, least conversing too much with Red-Petticoates, they banish their Hair from their heads, and by that means, make the poor Barber's beggars for want of work. 〈…〉 that shall know his own father.  
I● shall be lawful for some to have a Pal●e in their 〈◊〉 such 〈◊〉, as they shall ●have more than 〈…〉 they 〈…〉 Pay for 〈…〉, as they shall 〈…〉 in other 〈◊〉 Wife from their 〈◊〉 some such a stopping in their Hearts, as they shall be utterly obstinate to receive Grace: some such a 〈◊〉 in their 〈◊〉 as they shall be enemies to good counsel some such 〈…〉 Moses, as no Feast shall escape without their Companies: and some shall be so Needy, as neither Young Heirs shall get their own, nor poor Orphans their Patrimony.  
Also, it is 〈◊〉 and Decreed, that some shall be so 〈…〉, as they cannot Step but 〈…〉 some so cons●ed in 〈◊〉, as they shall keep never a good thought to bless themselves: some so disguised in purse, as they 〈◊〉 it fatal to 〈◊〉 one Penny to buy their dinners on Sundays: some so 〈…〉, as they cou●t wrong fast ●ea●ing the 〈…〉 of their occupation.  
But amongst other Laws & Statutes by us here establishes, we think it most necessary and convenient, that Pou●… shall kill 〈…〉 Poultry by custom, thou their. 〈…〉 May●es can sell with a Good Conscience: also it is ordered and agreed upon, that Baker's, Woodmongers, But there's, & Bre●●ers, shall fall to a mighty Conspiracy, so that no Man shall either have Bread, Fire, Meat, or Drink, without c●●dite or ready Mony.  
Sicaphants by the Statute shall have great gifts, and Good and Godly Labours shall scarce be worth thanks: it is also thought necessary, that Maids about midnight shall see wondrous visions, to the great hart-griefe of their Mothers.  
Furthermore it is marked & set down, that if Lawyers plead poor men's causes without money, westminster Hall shall grow out of custom, to the great impovershing of all Nimmers, Lifters, & Cutpurses. Those that sing bases shall love good drink by authority: and Trumpeters that sound trebles shall stare by custom: Women that wear long Gowns, may lawfully raise oust in March: and they that keep a Temperate Diet shall never die on surfeits.  
In like manner it shall be Lawful for sailors and Soldiers, to spend at their pleasures, what they get by their Sword: and if the Treasurer pay them any thing beyond count and reckoning, if they build not an Hospital therewith, they may Bestow it in Apparel by the statute.  
It is further established and agreed upon, that they that drink too much Spanish Sack, shall about july be served with a Fiery faces: but Oh you Aleknightes, you that devour the Marrow of the Malt, and Drink whole Aletubs into Consumptions; that sing Queen Dido over a Cup, and tell Strange News over an Ale pot: how unfortunate are you, who shall Piss out that  
It is further agreed upon and establish, that many strange events shall happen in those houses, where the Maid is predominant with her Master, and wants a Mistress to look narrowly unto her.  
Also we think it convenient, that some shall take, their Neighbour's bed for their own: some the servant for the Master: and (if Candles could tell tales) some will take a Familiar for a flea. Also we think it meet, that there should be many Fowlers, who in stead of Lacks will each Lobcokes: and many for want of wit shall sell their Freehold for Tobacco pipes, and red petticoats. Likewise we think it convenient that there should be many Takers; some would be taken for wise men, who indeed are very Fools: for some will take crack Angels of poor debtor, and a quart of malmsey when they cannot get a pottle.  
But stay a while, whether are we carried, leaving the greatest Laws unpublished, and establishing the less; therefore we enact and ordain as a necessary Statute, that there shall great contentions fall between Soldiers and Archers, and if the fray be not desided at a p●t of Ale and a black Pudding, great bloodshed is like to ensue: for some shall maintain that a Turk can be hit at twelve score Pricks in Fiendsbury fields, Ergo, the bow and shafts wan Bullen: other shall say that a Potgun is a dangerous weapon against a Mudwall, and an enemy to the painters work: amongst these controversies we will send forth our commission to God Cupid, being an Archer, who shall decide the doubt, and prove that Archery is Heavenly, for in meditation thereof, he hath lost his eyes.  
Oh gentle fellow Soldiers, then leave your controversies if you love a Woman, for I will prove it, that a Mince Pie is better than a Musket; and he that dare gainsay me, let him meet me at the Dagger in Cheap with a Case of Pewter-Spoones, and I will answer it: and if I prove not that a Mince-pie is the better Weapon, let me Dine twice a Week at Duke Humpheries table.  
It is furthermore established, that the four 〈◊〉 at the Cards, shall suddenly leap from out the bunch, and Desperately Prank about the new Playhouse, to seek out their old Master Captain Crop-ear: also it is thought meet, that some men (in these days) shall be politic beyond reason, and write more in one line, than they can prove in an age.  
Furthermore it shall be Lawful for some to Study which way they may walk to get them a Stomach to their meat, whilst other are as careful to get meat to put in their bellies: likewise there shall be great persecution in the Common-meale of Kitchin-fees, so that some desperate Woman shall boil, try, and seethe poor tallow to the general commodity of all the whole company of Tallow Chandler's.  
Alas, alas, how are we troubled to think on these dangerous times? for Tailors, by Act of Parliament may Lawfully invent new fashions: and he that takes Irish Aquavite by the Pint, may by the law stumble without offence, and break his Face: and it shall be thought convenient, that some be so desperate bent, as they shall go into my Lord majors Buttery when all the Barrels be full, without either Sword or Dagger about them: many Men shall be so Ventrously given, as they shall go into Petticoat lane, and yet come out again as honestly as they went first in.  
In like manner it shall be lawful for Thames Water to Cleanse as much as ever it did in times past: and if the Brewers of London buy store of good Malt, poor Burgemen at Queene-hiue shall have a whole Quart for a penny: Saint Thomas Onions shall be sold by the rope at Billingsgate by the Statute: and Sempsters in the Exchange shall become so Contionable, that a man without offence, may Buy a Falling Band for twelve pence.  
It shall be lawful for Smiths to love good Ale, and if it be possible to have a Frost of three weeks long in july, men shall not be afraid of a good star at Midsummer: Porters Baskets shall have authority to hold more than they can Honestly Carry away: and such a Drought shall come amongst Cans at Bartholomew Fair in Smithfeeld, that they shall never continue long filled.  
The Images in the Temple Church (if they rise again) shall have a Commission to dig down Cha●ing Cross with their Falchions: and Millers by Custom shall have small mind to Morning Prayer, if the Wind serve them in any Corner on Sundays: Those that go to Wars and can get nothing, may 〈◊〉 Home Poor by Authority: and those that Play fast and lose with women's Apron-stringes, may chance make a journey for a Winchester Pidgion: for prevention thereof, drink every morning a draft of Noli me tangere, and by that means, thou shalt be sure to escape the Physicians Purgatory.  
But amongst all other Decrees and Statutes by ●s here set down, we ordain and command, that three things (if they be not parted) ever to continue in perpetual amity, that is a Lo●se in an old Doublet, a painted Cloth in a Painter's shop, and a Fool and his Babble.  
Furthermore it shall be lawful for Bakers to thrive by two things: that is, Scores well paid, and Millers that are honest.  
Physicians by other men's harms, and Churchyards by often Burials.  
Also, we think it necessary for the Commonwealth, that the Salmon shall be better sold in Fishstréete, thou the Beer shall be at Willinsgate.  
And Heart's-ease amongst the company of Hearbewines, shall be worth as much money as they can get for it by Statute.  
It is further enacted and agreed upon that th●se that run four score Myle a foot on a Winter's day shall have a sore thirst about seven of the clock in the evening.  
And such as are inclined to the Dropsy, may be lawfully cured, if the Physicians know how.  
Also we ordain & appoint, that (if there be no great store of Tempests) two halfee-peny loaves shall be sold for a penny in Whitechapel.  
Chaveers Books (by act of Parliament) shall in these days, prove more witty than ever they were before: for there shall so many sudden, or rather sodden Wits step abroad, that a flee shall not frisk forth, unless they cemment on her.  
O what a detestable trouble shall be among women about four score and ten years old, for such as have more teeth about them, than they can well use, shall die for age, if they live not by miracle.  
Also it shall be lawful for Bees, if the Summer show not, to go on Pilgrimage, and fly so far in one day, as who so sets up a land mark whey the first light, shall come to us and have a pound weight of Gold for his diligence and labour.  
Moreover, we think it necessary, that those that have two eyes in their head, shall sometimes stumble: and they that can neither write nor read may as boldly forswear themselves, as they that can.  
And it shall be lawful for Almanac makers, to tell more lies then true tales.  
And they that go to Seas without Victuals, may suffer peunurie by the Statutes.  
In like manner, it shall be lawful for any man to carry about him more Gold than Iron: if he can get it?  
But they that are given to sullen complexion (if they be Females) must be more circumspect: for if they repent their hidden sins too much, they may chance catch heaven for their labour.  
Therefore let Maidens take heed how they fall on their backs lest they catch a forty weeks favour.  
And he that hath once married a Shrew and by good chance bury her, beware how he come into the stocks again.  
Further it shall be lawful for those that be Rich, to have many Friends: And they that be Poor, may by authority keep Money, if they can get it honestly.  
Also, we command and charge all such as have no Conscience, to do their worst, least they die in the devils debt: As for the rest they that have more money than they need may help their poor Neighbours, if they will.  
In like manner it shall be lawful for such as are subject to her that Rheums to drink cold drink. And those that have a mind to enrich Physicians, to be never without diseases.  
Also, Soldiers that have no means to thrive by plain dealing, may by the Statute swallow down an ounce of the strro● of subtlety every morning: And if they cannot thrive that ways, we think it necessary, that four times in the year, they go a fishing on Salisbury plain.  
Furthermore, for the benefit and increase of foolish Humours, we think it necessary, that those our dear friends which are sworn true Servitors to women's Pantofles, should have this order set down, that you suit yourselves handsomely against Goose feast: and if you meet not a fair Lass betwixt Paul's & Stratford, that day, we will bestow a new suit of Satin upon you, so you will bear all the charges.  
But as for your dear firendes and Scholars, thus much we favour you, for you shall dine upon Wit by authority: and if you pay your Hostess well: it is no matter though you score it up till it come to a good round sum.  
In like manner, it shall be lawful for Maids milk to be good Physic for ●●b'd heels: and a cup of Sacks to bedward, a present Remedy for the Rheum,  
Such as are sick in the Spring, may take Physic by the Statute: And those that are cold, may wear more Clothes, without offence.  
It is best to ride, in long journeys, lest a man be weary with going a foot: And more comely to go in broken stockings, then bare legged.  
Further it shalt be lawful for some to be leave, because they cannot be 〈◊〉.  
Some by the Statute, shall love 〈◊〉 p●ssing well, because they can come by no other meals and other some supper it with an Egg at dinner, that dare a manfully set upon a shoulder of Veal in the after●….  
Some shall be sad when they want Money: and in love with Widows rather for their wealth, than their honesties.  
It is also thought necessary, that some shall suspect their Wives at home, because they themselves play false abroad.  
And some love Bowling Allies better than a Sermon.  
But above all other things, Spirits with Aprons shall much disturb your sleeps about midnight.  
Furthermore, it shall be lawful for him that marries without Money, to find four bare Legs in his Bed: And he that is too prodigal in spending, shall die a beggar by the Statute.  
In like manner we think it necessary, that he that is plagued with a cursed wife, to have his pa●● broke quarterly, as he pays his rent.  
Likewise, he that delights in subtlety, may play the Knave by custom: And he that hath his complexion and courage spent, may eat Mutton on Fasting days by the Law.  
And to conclude, since there are ten Precepts to be observed in the Art of Scolding, we humbly take our leave of Duke Humfries Ordinary, and he take us to the Chapel of Ill Counsel where a quart or two of ●ne Trinidado, shall arm us against the gunshot of Tonge-mettle, and keep us safe from the assaults of Sir john Find-fault, Vale, my dear Friends, till my next returns.  
FINIS.   

Imprinted at London for W. Barley, and are to be sold at his shop, in Gracious street. 1608.