CURES FOR THE ITCH.  

Characters.  
Epigrams.  
Epitaphs.   
By H. P.  
Scalpat qui tangitur.  
LONDON, Printed for Thomas jones, at the sign of the Black Raven in the Strand. 1626.   

To the courteous Reader.  
IT is now almost two years expired when (living in the Country that long Vacation) I wrote these Epigrams, and Epitaphs adjoining, which then, nor since I would consent (nor was it fit indeed they should be published) till now on times more prosperous opportunity. These Characters beside (though first here mentioned) were now of later times by me composed, which not so fully perfected, as was meant, I did not think should have past the press. If any thing however may prove acceptable, I shall a little seem more glad, being so much less discredited by these vain hours of mine misspent, which should have been (you will say) on better exercises. You cannot possibly dislike the one, more than I willing would reform the other. Si tantum detur mihi libera potestas & occasio: Mean while submitting to your favourable Censures, I humbly rest,  
Yours to be commanded, H. P.   

To the Criticke-seeming Censurer.  
THou mayst be courteous for aught I know, without the least of carping or depraving, let thy wit's excellence or worths best estimate be what it will: Marry Sir, then might it be asked me why I should thou thee, or any Gentleman of those endowments, My answer briefly (though not worth the answering) is, that thy betters have much more endured, and daily do accept without exceptions. But to the business, Here's a new Book, or rather new Brood (as a man may call it) of some unusual odd inventions, hastily hatched without observance of time, rule, or reckoning, and therefore little know I yet what may become of them; nor dare I promise more on their behalves, then that they either may starve through poverty, or desperately lie upon the parish for want of shelter, so far unlikely will it be (I know) to find the owners or fathers out, who questionless will quite disclaim them to be their Bastards though ne'er so jump a like in qualities as can or may be possibly required. But to leave Metaphors, I know I shall be foully censured, and that by none so much, as those, that are or have been of mine own acquaintance, I mean not such as are judicious (whom I love and reverence) but other sort of prouder upstarts that would be wiser than their ancestors, because a little bolstered up since their forgetful base beginnings. I should but vex myself, and ill detain you with the report of things so frivolous, which ceasing so much as but to think upon, If any man shall question me; Quorsum haec inania scripsi, 'tis ten to one I answer not directy, more than thus, that what's done and passed cannot be recalled: Therefore in brief, without least compliments (as I said before) whatsoever to others may prove distasteful, shall unto me be twice as odious, and there's an end.   

Characters.  
BY H. P.  
LONDON, Printed for Tho: jones.  

Characters.  
A Ballad-maker  
IS a kind of Owl or Bat that flieth in the night, and dares not his deformities should appear by day: he's one that from first shameless desperate become of late to be more impudent▪ sets this last rest up for his latest refuge. His Primum mobile of ragged ancestry sprang from the patchings of some paltry Poet; Whence learning how to rhyme unreasonably, makes this the mainmast of his occupation. His choicest plots or grounds to work upon, are drawn most commonly from thieves and murderers, or such notorious malefactors, as puts him in great hope to purchase forty pence. His highest ambition he aims at, is, to be entitled, The Time's intelligencer, or Nuncius of News at the second hand. The Punk's late Ballad of the new Bridewell was his chief Masterpiece that purchased him perhaps a cobbler's pair of boots over & above his usual bargaining He spends most past of his time in's bed, partly for saving charge of botching, but chiefly devising what were best to write on, when no one calls on him for what's to pay: Omnia mea mecum, etc. may very rightly be verified in him that hath no riches more than what he wears, and comes to him commonly by deed of gift. The Alewife is enforced to trust him weekly, and that without all hope of having aught unless some Pallad chance to be composed upon some dismal or doleful accident as may be sung to the tune of welladay. If any thing happen to help beside, it must accrue from the next Sessions▪ provided there be some to travel westward, on whom he is to make that recantation as if himself were the Theme he writes on. No massacre or murder comes to him amiss, but brings sufficient matter for invention. Wherein he shows himself so nimble, that if any witch be by chance condemned, he'll have a ballad out in print before such time as she goes to Tyburn: wherein all her confession and the manner of her death shall be described by way of Prophecy, witness the famous witch of Edmonton, condemned at Newgate about four years past. No Printer deals with him that loves his credit, but must be thereunto induced for want of work, and then the Press begins to sweat when monstrous news comes Trundling in the way; His greatest volume done in Folio is to be purchased but for two brass tokens, which either you may please to light Tobacco with or sacrifice to Ajax for purgation. In brief, the sum of all his practices is but to shift him sometime in clean linen, that he appear not lousy to posterity, and so I leave him.   

A Tapster  
IS another Mephistopheles, or visible spirit, that's daily diving into Faults and Cellars; the custom of whose clamour is to cry anon, and restless post him to and from the Spigot: he's one whose races first derivative grew from the dregs but of some Brewer's Dray-man, who for his liquors larger utterance binds him apprentice to an Innkeeper, where quickly learning to chalk two for one, as also how to fill with nick and froth, becomes a Drawer for the Devils own drinking. he's a sworn wellcomer of all sorts of Drunkards that sit and call for't at their costs and perils. His Cullionship ofttimes becomes a Creditor that either must be forced to trust his betters, or cheat his Master if they pay not for it. Your Punk or Oyster-wench (excepted only) may score it at all times upon bare trust, which he's contented to take out in drudgery. Your Country Tapsters are of other kind, sworn often brothers unto Ostlers, and so consenting to each others secrets, as that to robberies they oft prove Accessories. He ne'er could teach himself more how to pray then that salt meat be ever in request, and may not want stale Beer to serve his customers, which must not so much quench as kindle thirst: and to that knavish end the Brewer and he well know that Rosin is a good ingredient. he's naturally addicted to a blue tucked Apron with a black pouch thereto appendent, the chiefest Ensign of his occupation. His greatest providence (caring else for nought) is to have store of of Bottles 'gainst the Spring, which standing in their ranks like Muskateires, may soon discharge upon the word Give fire: Nothing affrights him like the Brewer's Clerk whose coming with his Tallies proves more terrible than is a Sergeant to a younger brother. If once he come to draw but for himself, or may be trusted for some half a brewing, there's not a peasant on the earth so proud. Hence he aspiring, hopes to get a wife (no matter of what calling or condition) that soon may purchase him a house for victualling: His last of Ladders step proves then an Host: and further comes to be a common Bail for such as are his daily benefactors, that use to drink and call in by the dozen. In brief, had he but wit to his unworthiness, he would become more knave than could be corrigible, and so continue till his last of breathing.   

A Drunkard  
IS a liquid public notory, thath makes Indentures without clause or covenant. One whom stout carriage hath so lowly humbled as he no more looks into others risings than would least downfalls should be seen in him. he's no concealer of long harboured secrets, but thereof soon dischargeth himself, and hardly can be held to prove a Traitor. He ofttimes seems a man much penitent, witness the foremarkes of the clothes he wears, being the tears both of the Tankard and himself together. He scorns on tother side your pale faced Envy or any thing that's done in hugger-mugger, but will have perfect colour for what he deals in. he's a most hardy and approved soldier that takes a nap as sound on the boards, or (for a need in wide and open fields,) as on your softest beds of Down, not dreaming lest of Cushion, Cap or Pillow: He sleeps not long in malice or revenge, but merely will forget those wrongs next morning which could not be endured the night before. he's an undoubted good Astronomer that watcheth often more by night then day, and bids the morning Star good morrow before the Lark or least of light appear. Moreover he assumes himself a traveller of farthest Regions with th'Antipodes, where it is night with them being day with us. He still maintains the old Dutch Proverb, That strongest liquor cureth all diseases: No best of Physic careth he a fig for, no Doctors deals with, or Apothecary, so well hath Nature and due custom taught him to purge at all times without Pill or potion. He troubles not himself with state affairs which would disturb him of his liberty, but loves to doff it without care securely: he's ne'er so valorous as when's cups are mustering daring them to fight with Pompey or great Otho, and drink Carouses to the Queen of Sparta▪ The Baker is of all men lest beholding to him, that for expense of half a piece in liquor utters him not one farthing worth of bread. The Vintner is his Guardian overseer, that keeps him ofttimes till the reckoning be cast up, and rather craves his room then's company. If you will speak with him in sober sadness, your coming must be early in a morning, he being soon after gone to drink a match. Porters & watchmen are his home conductors, that either pick his pockets by the way, or will be sure of something ere they leave him. If in his drunken rage he kills a man, he's the next day not only sorry for it, but must be hanged for further satisfaction being sober: and there's the close of it.   

A rectified young man  
IS a precious Diamond, or rare orient Pearl richly set in gold: It's that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. So true a lover of learning and goodness as proveth him a pattern to posterity. His general observance had of others virtues, confirms all absolute in him without reproof: he sucked not overmuch his mother's milk, nor was he weaned long before his time, you need not question aught his parentage, which cannot but approve that saying verified, Such as the tree is, such must be the fruit. His modest gesture shows him what he is, without beholding to the book of Heraldy. He loveth manners better far than money, and not affecting turbulent promotions, chooseth a quiet life his best of happiness. he's ne'er so idle as in company, and not so busied as by being alone; his thoughts are seldom set on had-I-wist of business rash or inconsiderate, but with advice directeth all his action: he suits himself with such associates as are coherent with his disposition, neither too lofty or ambitious, nor basely minded, and yet truly generous; His garments are not shaped so to the fashion, as comeliness in him becometh them; he's not too lavish nor penurious, not over silent or contentious; but moderate, 'twixt both, without extremes. The Church and Sermons are his chief delights, which makes him mortified ere his time of marriage: his solace sometimes next to Divinity, may be to look on honest poetry, which makes him of best scholars best respected: he accounts that sin, which savours not of truth, or from a conscience that's the least corrupted. His settled thoughts and constant resolutions will not be soon removed upon persuasions of things that may be not the same they seem. The love of goodness keeps him still in hope of that which may in process bring perfection. All that he aims at is a good report of such a virtuous life and conversation as may record him unto after ages; his latest thoughts of long deliberating may be in time to match with such a wife as shall add honour to his former credit, and set up so his rest in that felicity which may assure him rest eternally.   

A young Novices new younger wife  
IS a Coddling in july that comes not to be ripe before September, however sooner plucked for wantonness more than of taste or relish it affordeth. It's the same Thing in her minority which we call a woman, who no sooner entering into the year of teen, but then begins to bloom and burnish much like the Strawberry the first fruit that's gathered. Time hath not taught her yet the dues of Matrimony: but well she woteth, and hath often heard it, the sum or portion which her father gives her, (besides the legacy her Grandsire left her) is able keep two maids at least. She scorneth now the thought but of a Rod, having that safeguard which shall stand 'twixt her and it for such defence. She seeks imprimis how to suit herself as may accommodate with the times and fashions, therefore makes choice of such a Tailor as best can tell how to put her to charges. The next is, what best likes her appetite that hath been queasy from her infancy, and feareth much her new come kitchen maid will never please her in the buying or dressing. She knows not how to chide her man without laughing, having been so childishly familiar with servants before her marriage. The most she wanteth, are those terms to gossip it, being thereto ne'er accompanied with her Mother, and that which grieves her, is not to have been at woman's labour, no not so much as her eldest sisters, not knowing how soon she may (unexpert) be thereto occasioned: her shoemaker vexeth her beyond the rest, who maketh her foot seem so unfashionable or over-pinching as is not possible to be endured. If her new husband grant not what she asketh him, twenty to one but she falls a weeping, or will not arise the next day to dinner. She hates that woman of what sort soever, that wears a Beaner or a Ruff so curious as may compare with hers for comeliness. No neighbour suffers she to approach her bedchamber; not that it lies so sluttish and unhandsome, as for she hath not yet a casting-bottle, & a wrought Cushion-cloath which still her Husband forgets to buy her. Her care is next to have her Picture drawn, could she but meet that cunning Painter who drew my Lady being great with child. Her chiefest solace is to sit at door, and that on Sundays commonly after Evensong, when being in her best and handsomest habit, she may be gazed on like a May-game. She longs a month before she proves with child, that so overcloyd with choicest dainties, she hath now a foolish mind to feed on sprats. There's nothing could content or pacify her after the cat had killed her Sparrow, until she had a Parraquito bought her, which liked her not a month till she was weary of. Her second choice she hopes, shall prove a Gentleman. If this content her not which now she hath, or things fadge otherwise then are expected, let them thank her father for it, that made the match, and there's an end.   

A common Fiddler  
IS an inevitable squeaking slave of time, one that intrudes into any company under pretext of that old motto, wilt please you Gentlemen to hear any Music; he's such a mercenary Rascal as makes a man induced to expense, & pays more for his ear then for his mouth; he never draws in anger, but for profit: and that most commonly of meat, drink and money: only in dark mornings may it fall out otherwise; that's forced to stand in doubtful expectation, and strike up cheerfully at all adventures, and perhaps in a shower of rain which damps his sheep's guts. The most he aimeth at is after feasts and weddings, where he may be sure to fill his pockets, howe'er he sail of further coins reward. The next to that, is after Fairs and feastings, where he presumeth it is impossible he should meet with all repulses. His most ambition is after songs and clothes, with so much money as will buy new Fidles-strings. An old blue coat at the second turning sets up his treble in the highest strain, that titles than himself some Lord's retainer. His total means amounts but to five marks, which he hath miseraby been scraping all his life-time, and cannot purchase yet a Cloak for Holy days. If any man chance to break his Instrument, he bringeth strait his action of the Case being his Fiddle case is without action; his best of profit comes most times from Drunkards, and such as are lasciviously inclined, whom he provoketh with more lewd temptation, Should he be blind, and after use his trade, it must assume howe'er a larger privilege, only dies a Rogue by the Statute, and there's his ultimum.   

A Broker  
IS a refractory kind of Devil on Earth, merely composed without a Conscience, and deals in only such things desperate as either come by way of relapse, or otherwise happen at the second hand; he's as it were the sink or common shore to all, or most of those commodities, which for necessity have forced been mortgaged, or forfeited merely without redemption. His first original of base beginning grew from the corruption of some cutthroat usurer, who matcheth many times his younger daughter with the first issue male of such a Sire. The horse-courser and he are scarce distinguished which of the twain proues the truest lurcher for buying cheapest and selling dearest, only the one bids, See what you lack, whiles the other cheats you with unknown diseases. His greatest profit comes most times from thieves, and much is benefited by Bawds and Bamnkroutes; only the Hangman holds him to hard bargains, that's forced to buy or barter at his pleasure: Honesty and he are ever unreciprocall, and stand more remote to either, then Hounsditch from Longlane; or Tyburn almost from Turnbullstreet. The darkest shop makes his gains the clearer, which he obscures with sundry properties for such case provided. he's seldom seen abroad unless at Outcries, where he forestalles all sorts of buyers on that old watchword of No man better. He makes it thirteen months to every year, when any come to pay him interest, and takes the forfeit but of one days failing him. There's nothing terrifies him like a Monopoly, thinking some presently are come to beg him for his quadruble extorting usury: He lives not commonly full out his time, for that his Master Mammon can no longer spare him, nor makes he any will to vex his conscience with giving or bequeathing that so suddenly, which hath been scraped up with so long extremity. And therefore, to keep decorum, he dyeth detestable. In brief, no sooner is the caitiff coffined (which is the most can be afforded him) but down so soon falls all his movables, as there's no mention left of such a miscreant.   

A jovial good fellow  
IS such a kind frolic Coxcombrian, as scorning lest the guilt of Covetuousnes, may easily be drawn to dye a Beggar. he's one whose parents scraped up by the ounce, that he spends & spatters by the pound. The name of usury is to him so odious as rather then be touched with taking interest, he'll sooner be content to lose the principal. The saying of old is verified in him. What pity 'tis he hath it not: and again, he's no man's foe but his own. The fountain of good fellowship consists in him, that rather than to part with boon company will freely condescend to stay till midnight, spending as much as the house dares trust him. he's none of those that takes care for to morrow, but bids in such case things be as they may. The Tailor makes his clothes at all adventures, that being so skittish and fantastical, will not stand still whiles he's taking measure. Nothing distastes him more than breach of promise, as not to meet in such a place in Fish-street, all business and occasions set apart. Give him but least of warning overnight, and he's yours next day wholly to command. There cannot be a greater injury to his invincible resolution as but to tender least towards the reckoning, which he hath vowed and sworn will see discharged, and for my part may he never guilty be of perjury. He seldom wears out any thing he buys, but gives or lends it oft without return, and that's it makes the Laundress lose his linen. he's bound for any man will but entreat him, and never thinks out till the time's expired. His most of care is how to grow more lean, that hath so long been puffed us with Canary, as there's no help out but he must take Physic. These sitting, long at supper kills his disgesture, and with his taking so much Tobacco the very kitchenmaid begins to loathe him. His manner was of late to ride & take the air, but now hath sold his horse to save that charge: beside, he hath so oft been bidden Godfather, as now must pausing first bethink himself. The last that follows (being the Hell of all) are those undreamt of scurvy executions have laid in the Poultry Compter; where we leave him.   

A Humorist  
IS he that harbours those conceits within him, which nothing better than a cudgel can beat out; he's of so different opposed opinion▪ as would appropriate himself peculiar beyond the tract of vulgar dispositions; Custom creates in him that habit which now is grown to such a height, as may be termed another nature. Give him the reins, he'll gallop out of breath, or do but check or cross him ne'er so little, and you may carry him aswell to Bedlam; he's of that acquaint society and behaviour, as not enduring to stay long in company, leaves you abruptly, without taking leave: he finds not half so soon the cause of quarrel, as thereto proves occasioned without a cause. The more you seek or offer to entreat him, the more inexorable he shows himself, and yields no reason, but his rascal humour; his manner is to sing sometimes at meat, because he would not be thought melancholy for want of money, and doth that which commonly he's most forbidden; his outward carriage makes him much observed, either fantastical and most perverse, or so demurely casting down his head as if he were to study the Black Art. He cannot endure a long Grace, he loves not to eat of any thing that's carved unto him, nor can endure to sit long at dinner, but must have needs Tobacco spite of Company. The want of money makes him then most mad, especially being denied longer trust at the Ordinary. He challengeth any man into the field that shall refuse to pledge his Mistress health, although he means to be first drunk. He flings a Trencher forthwith at the face of him or them shall offer any music, bidding them pack away for Roguish Fiddlers. His obstinacies heat grown more implacable, dares call that woman Whore that's not his mother. His main of actions are without example, nor will be persuaded by prescription of wisest, most, or worthiest whatsoever. Keep him in darkness eight and forty hours without relief of food, or sustenance, you somewhat may perhaps assuage his humour, but never shall reclaim him if you would hang him.   

A malapert young upstart  
IS a Mushroom grown within compass but of one nights breeding, and may be likened to that painted butterfly that flitters but a month in Summer, and stays not long at whatsoe'er he lights on; he's that first rare and forwardest fruit you call a jeniting, which ripes and rots soon both together: much differing from your lasting-Apple-Iohn. His thoughts are always upon presentactions, not looking lest on what is past, and scorns to think any thing to come. Much bashfulness in him is long since vanished, and now hath boldness made him more than impudent. He merely hath forgot his kennel offspring, and will no more be pestered with intrusions of them that worthier might contemn his company; his mother's cockering made him first a wanton, since when, conceited with his own perfections, becomes more malapert than unreprovable. Time ne'er could teach him how to keep decorum being so lately spun as 'twere and woven, not stretched as upon the tenter-hooks, so little trial hath he had of waterings as ten to one, but he'll shrink him in wetting: the tailor much hath holp him in the making, adding to his joins that onward lustre as thereby would be thought another Absalon: he's strong persuaded every wench is in love with him, especially having on his best apparel; and wanteth no addition but a beard. All that he aims at is to be arrogant, not caring for best counsel or advice. Last, he desires but money & good clothes, let other matters happen as they may, and there's the period of his resolution.   

A Scold  
IS a much more heard of▪ then lest desired to be seen or known she-kinde of Serpent; the venomed sting of whose poisonous tongue, worse than the biting of a Scorpion, proves more infectious far than can be cured; she's of all other creatures most untameablest, and covets more the last word in scolding, then doth a Combater the last stroke for victory. She loudest lifts it standing at her door, bidding with exclamation flat defiance to any one says blacks her eye. She dares appear before any justice, nor is least daunted with the sight of Counstable, nor at worst threatenings of a Cucking-stool. There's nothing mads or moves her more to outrage, then but the very naming of a wisp, or if you sing or whistle when she is scolding. If any in the interim chance to come within her reach, twenty to one she scratcheth him by the face: or do but offer to hold her hands, she'll presently begin to cry out murder. There's nothing pacifies her, but a cup of Sack, which taking in full measure of digestion, she presently forgets all wrongs that's done her and thereupon falls straight a weeping: do but entreat her with fair words, or flatter her, she than confesseth all her imperfections, and lays the guilt upon the whore her maid. Her manner is to talk much in her sleep what wrongs she hath endured of that rogue her husband whose hap may be in time to dye a Martyr, and so I leave them.   

A good Wife  
IS a world of happiness, that brings with it a Kingdom in conceit, and makes a perfect adjunct in society; she's such a comfort as exceeds content, and proves so precious as cannot be paralleled, yea more inestimable than may be valued. she's any good man's better second self, the very mirror of true constant modesty, the careful huswife of frugality, and dearest object of man's hearts felicity. She commands with mildness, rules with discretion, lives in repute, and ordereth all things that are good or necessary; she's her husband's solace, her House's ornament, her children's succour, and her servant's comfort. she's (to be brief) the eye of wariness, the tongue of silence, the hand of labour, and the hart of love: Her voice is music, her countenance meekness; her mind virtuous, and her soul gracious. she's a blessing given from God to man, a sweet companion in his affliction, and joint copartner upon all occasions; she's (to conclude) earth's chiefest Paragon, and will be when she dies heaven's dearest creature.   

A self conceited parcell-witty-old Dotard.  
HE pretendeth not only to be quondam learned, but also in present a grave scribbling Clerk: and when he describeth himself, he dareth to add the title of the ablest writer in Europe, though he have nothinks he deserves more than others can give him, or himself desires. He carrieth a Philosophical gravity and austerity, affecting chiefly the garb of Diogenes, whom he imitates as well in high conceit as low estate, and therefore hates nothing more than the name of Elemosinary or Beadsman, though charity be his only freehold. No strappado will make him confess what title he hath to the meat he eats, for which he pleads the merit of the man, and holds that to be his own because he eats it. Though both years and affectation breed in him a grave look, yet is he not so grey as greasy, especially when his satin doublet hath borne the affronts of all weathers for 8, or 9 months, and then it is so varnished that no drop of rain will stick upon it. So austere he is, that he will alienate his bed to lie upon the ground, and so thrifty that he will wear his stockings re'nuersed, the feet of them razed or cooped and advanced in chief to the knee for the service they have done him in the hoof, and at last he honourably entombs them in the dunghill. He so defieth the curiosity of the times, that he will rather be known by black linen then by blue starch, and so abhorreth the shreds of old Indentures, that he will not suffer his Tailor to take measure of him, to whom he giveth in charge only one proviso that his doublet do not pinch him in the crop, and so hinder his nutrition which is the chief faculty he takes care of. He is of those sublimated speculations that he can better express his thoughts by his brow then his tongue, and can give no more account of his meditations, than the Sibyls could of their Prophecies when the mad fit was over. He will voluntarily tell of his old travels, what respect he hath found among great men, what preferments he hath run through, or might have had, but will not be called to account by demanding questions, especially if they tend to examine of what profession he is. He hath some remains of quondam learning, which like old ruins of time, others delight to behold, among whom he loves to be abused in jest, lest he should be contemned in earnest, he thinks no reproach greater, than when he hath been baffled to confess who hurt him; and therefore then swears he remembers nothing. If any of his acquaintance ask him whether he hold himself to be wit-wrackt, he plainly answers that he hath not so much wit as to judge of his own wits, but saith, that he strongly suspecteth himself, and that not without cause: the treble string of his fancy being so weak that it will crack with the weight of a new hat; which therefore he the oftener putteth off upon pretence of punctual courtesy, which he affecteth so complementally as if he had held a trencher at the table of Cardinal St. George at Rome. His chief exercise is stretching his old Calves in long walks, whither he knows not, nor cares, so he may seem contemplative by walking alone if you meet him: and ask whither he goes, he saith, his journey lies as the Gadd-fly bites him. In winter he will often walk in Cuerpo, in the snow or rain, sollacing himself with the hope of fair weather, and otherwhile within doors: his best employment and posture is to lie upon Chushions against a fire basting himself till his complexion smell like Newgate or the inside of a Clowns Eele-skin sheath, or of an old extinguisher. In summer his greatest work within doors is to do execution upon fleas by set number ten being his stint (according to the number of his blankets) which to exceed he counteth murder: and without doors to enterlace his walks with stations or rather sessions under hedges among his brethren Mendicants, whose company he is so loath to leave, that he cometh home short to half meals, and then eats post to overtake his company. If the whimsy take him to see Westminster, for business he hath none, he would the rather wear out six pence in shoe-leather, by trudging about, then spend two pence with a scholar to strike over the gainer way. Though the world owe him much for his ancient deserts, yet will he living nor dead owe the world any thing, and therefore that no man may pull his Executor by the sleeve, he compounds before hand for the charges of his burial. No man can tell how to take measure of him for a monument, otherwise (in imitation of his own providence) I would before hand have made an Epitaph on him, for which though I should deserve thanks some, yet I expect none, well knowing that he repayeth no thanks for any courtesy, but rather expects as much from every donor, for his own acceptation of the last benefit. And so I leave him to others admiration.   
FINIS.   

EPIGRAMS.  

Aegrotans, nolens.  
COuld Bond the Scrivener find no time to come  
To Sr. john Opus, but on's physic day,  
When he should take a purge? Hang him base scum,  
Is that a time when men their debts should pay?  
Go tell the Scoundrel from Sr john again  
His Worship leaves off purging none knows when.   

Ferendo fortior.  
GAlla twice married, is become much stronger;  
And in her labours like to hold out longer,  
Who by this new match makes the proverb full,  
She that hath borne a Calf, bears now a Bull.   

Foelix donec.  
WHile Turnus feasted, not a guest durst fail him  
But being arrested, not a guest durst bail him.   

Fiat necesse.  
SExtus hath sold his Coach and horses four,  
which needs must unto Need be thought th'induction  
For of expense there proved none other power,  
Besides, 'twas that first drew him to destruction.   

Verbum, summis.  
YOung Lelio left but sixpence in advance,  
That was to feast it at the Golden Fleece:  
Comes to the Bar with braving countenance,  
Saying, Sirrah Drawer, canst thou change a piece?  
Or— since for silver we are not so strong,  
Scored up: I'll send it by my man- Tom Long.   

Verbosus scabiosus.  
MArcus would needs maintain, Store was no sore  
That had his finger's fraught with scabs great store  
To whom (quoth one) This proves you sir a liar,  
For too much store makes you a scurvy Squire.   

Sublata causa, etc.  
WHy studies Silvester no more the Laws?  
Tisthoght Duck-lane has ta'en away the cause   

Peccans errans.  
MOnseur Patricius is to Venice gone,  
What to do there think you? faith look upon  
The Walls and Buildings: not for any fear,  
Unless you'd vrgeed 'twas to save hanging here.   

Filia Grammaticalis.  
NO more need Pontus pawn his gown or cloak  
His wife's best linen, or her wedding ring;  
Unless the Devil hath still the same forespoake,  
As an ordained inevitable thing.  
For why? his daughter, past her Moods and Tenses▪  
(Coming to Possum) pays for all expenses.   

Gravida, intacta.  
BIndo still beats his Maids beyond excess,  
All but this last and late-come little Bess,  
Of whom it's wondered much how Bindo dealt▪  
That she with child, his weight yet never felt.   

Equitans-ambulans.  
WHy wears Wat one boot up, another down?  
'Cause th'ones to ride whiles th'other stays in town.   

Dubius decipiens.  
Ianus' must jesting still equivocate,  
Which he alludes as doubtful terms of art,  
Being a custom he hath got of late,  
But to the Devil he bears an honest heart.   

Armatus, animosus.  
WHen Lanus lights by chance upon some cheat,  
And hath his pockets lined with least of chink  
His stomach then endures no common meat,  
Or possibly digests your sodden drink,  
Till forced again remove towards the fields,  
Finds no such victuals as his Alehouse yields.   

Deridens deridendus.  
IF Lollus leave not those his flouts and frumps,  
Which have so oft been worn even to the stumps.  
Let it not vex him if revenge be such,  
That others play upon his wife as much.   

Calvus incastus.  
NOt chaste nor secret Calvus? well take heed  
Thou prove not last a baldpate knave indeed.   

Pulchra quae utilia.  
MErcutio marvels what men mean, to buy  
So many books of such diversity;  
When Almanacs (saith he) yields all the sense  
Of times best profit, and experience.   

Fancies, forum.  
Put case Penelope be poor descended,  
Where find you such another more compares  
For comeliness, or is the like befriended,  
With Knights and Gallants that bespeak her wares?  
Show me that Sempster if you ere have seen her,  
Hath had like take for a young-beginner.   

Charum Diversorium.  
CReta lets lodgings, but at such a rate  
As may maintain Malipiero, Su, Bess, Dol, and Kate,  
Whom purposely she keeps in such a plight,  
As may content best comers in at night.   

Verba vana.  
PRu could content you, as fit time affords,  
But to deal plain, she'll not be paid with words.   

Inaequale Connubium.  
PAulus is wedded to a wench, as pretty  
As he himself is generous and witty:  
But here's the odds, she'll trade, so will not he,  
And that's it makes them so much disagree.   

Meretrix moesta.  
PArnel complains not half so much of wants,  
As spiteful dealings late in public known,  
By Bridewell Beadles: slaves and Sycophants,  
That durst so vex her, using but her own;  
When thousands more have trod awry the shoe,  
Alas poor whore, what would you have her do?   

Maritus mitior.  
KInd Kester carrying Kate his wife behind him,  
To post-salute her would oft backwards wind him:  
Whereby the coxcomb might be thought more kind,  
That he before should kiss her so behind.   

Visumignotum.  
THat Cambro's wife's with child, her belly shows it,  
But who was't got it? pray ask those that knows it   

Peccans culpans.  
HOw bitter spoke sir Tristram th'other day,  
To George his man that went (he thought) aftray  
Alleging, no such objects could so woo him:  
True, for he has the gout, his drab comes to him.   

Signa supersunt.  
PRiscus gives out he hence to Prague is gone,  
Upon a wager of adventurous chance:  
But Priscus lurks (more shame to think upon)  
With Kate his old comrade in Petty France:  
Yet of his travels means at large relate,  
At least is sure to bring certificate.   

Femina fumus.  
SIl for his wife's sake much Tobacco sells,  
That still employs herself in nothing else:  
For though the smoke yields near so bad a smother  
Men loathing yet the one, may love the other.   

Serio at non.  
DOl with much dalliance must and will dispense,  
Dealing on matters deeper consequence.   

Invita Senectus.  
OLd Dromo bids adieu to day delights.  
Grown much decrepit; fitter far for nights:  
Who forced must now his worn out limbs retire,  
And volens-nolens feed but on desire.   

Ebria fragilior.  
WHo says Carina lives incontinent,  
Or proves the least to such a business bend:  
Because she lodgings lets to Gentlemen  
That may be jesting with her now and then?  
Be it defiance to his very face,  
Shall touch Carina in such kind of case.  
Indeed if drunk a man will question that,  
A woman then may do she knows not what.   

Duplex dubium.  
SIslie's with child she's sure, but knows not whether  
By her late husband, or this man, or neither.  
Birlady wench thou'dst need both doubt and fear,  
For 'twixt them both the business did appear.   

Idonius Capistro.  
Brutus' denies his birth and parentage,  
Grown up a gallant just at hanging age.   

Debita desperata.  
QVestus hath ta'en up more this last vacation,  
In Mercer's shops, than all his means amounts  
Who being asked to pay, and in what fashion,  
All he can say, is, Put it in accounts.   

Chara Coniux.  
NIcholas that purchased for his new wife Nan  
A little Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fan,  
Contents her not, but must have (seinvito)  
A Muff, a Munky, and a Parakito:  
Which to defray, the fool perforce is drawn,  
Although he lay the silver spoon to pawn.   

Brevius Dulcius.  
DAcus endures not any long discourse,  
which his impatience would too much enforce  
The end or close aims he at, good or ill,  
All but the Tavern and his Tailor's bill.   

Luxuria praecipua.  
KIt cares not though his treachery be known,  
So you'll but let his lechery alone.   

Nesutor ultra.  
GOrgonius brags what wonders he would do,  
Were but his purse half answerable to  
His noble thoughts: Pish, prithee fool it less,  
And follow on the trade thou dost profess.   

Movens mobilis.  
WHat art thou like (my Lidea) or whereto  
Shall I compare thee, as I fain would do:  
Unto a Swan? a Lily? or a Rose?  
No, Lidea scorns to be compared to those:  
I'll tell thee Lidea (so thou wilt not frown)  
Just to an Hourglass that's still up and down.   

Egenus Poeta.  
TAssus writes verses upon great men's praise,  
And in that exercise spends most his days:  
For whom you'll ask? That would be understood.  
Faith for whosoever gives money to buy food.   

Ius, iniuria.  
Crassus' of lands holds lawful now possession:  
True, got by law, but lost by much oppression.   

Fortior, formidabilis.  
QVimetuit odit, doth the proverb go.  
Which might of Caius careful be debated,  
If any durst but tell the Caitiff so:  
Pish hang him he'll be feared, though ne'er so hated.   

Chara, vilis.  
PRiscilla sprung from pitch of highest top,  
Scorning your proud late gallants to converse with,  
Now lowly keeps a poor Tobacco shop,  
For footboys, grooms, & cullions to commerce with  
But you must note she's poor and grown in years,  
As by the rules of ragged times appears.   

Aegrotants fortior.  
CAntus our Cobbler being lately sick,  
One meeting him, desired to understand  
The cause of his disease: quoth he, a crick  
Hath pained me, but am now o'th' mending hand.   

Eques solis.  
BErnard for boots with London cobblers barters,  
Which stand in stead of stockings, shoes, & garters   

Obligatus alligatus.  
DAy break, and break of day, all one should be,  
But 'tis not so with Ferdinand we see:  
Who chancing thus of late to break his day,  
Was all the cause why he in Ludgate lay.   

Deteriora malis.  
DIcke truly swore he was not drunk this week,  
Chalked not one penny upon any score,  
Played not a game at Tables, Bowls, or Gleek,  
No not a foot stepped from his chamber door:  
Long of that scurvy Laundress, so to deal,  
As having but one shirt, she that must steal.   

Viatores infoelitiores.  
SCruto that skilfull-seeming man in arts,  
And Traveller, twice all those countries been in,  
Would any creature judge one of his parts  
So lousy should become for want of linen?   

Dolour intimus.  
NOt hawk, nor hound▪ nor horse, those letters hhh  
But ache itself 'tis Brutus bones attaches.   

Propriora meliora.  
MEchus that means to pocket up no wrongs,  
But money, and what else to him belongs,  
May pocket up these Rhymes, and be no fool,  
They nearer him concern then Ajax stool.   

Pignus secretum.  
Mistress Mordina whispered in mine ear,  
About a business she was loath to utter,  
Unless to silence it I first would swear,  
And therewithal in some assurance put her.  
'twas but to lend her so much, like a Noddy,  
For which she venturous would have pawned her body   

Vivis vivens.  
PRoud Dorothea take it not in scorn,  
thouart like a Bier that on men's backs is born;  
Only this difference thou mayst enforce,  
The Bier bears those are dead, thou the quick corpse.   

Additio perditio.  
FRom Malipiero but merry, men but mirth derive,  
For trix 'tis makes her prove demonstrative.   

Fallacior cautior.  
DArcas hath dealt on promises so oft  
As she'll no more the cunningest cozener close with,  
Till it appear there be a licence brought,  
Witness the fourth big belly that she goes with.   

Rosa, Spina.  
ADmit Fardella for her face and feature  
Be so unparallelled esteemed a creature,  
She's yet for all those attributes no more  
Than an attractive fine well-favoured—:  
And that too many can too feeling tell,  
Since she too lately lodged in Clarkenwell.   

Splendida spoliis.  
CLim clad of late in Petticoats of woollen,  
Is now with silks & satins grown more sullen,  
Who being asked how such might purchased be,  
Faith only for the taking up (quoth she.)   

Plagis mitior.  
KAtherine that grew so cursed and fit for no man,  
With beating soon became a gentlewoman.   

Aspirans desperans.  
BEtter unknighted (had sir Giles first thought it)  
Then thus prove bankrupt who so dearly bought it,  
But that his old black Gillian ere she died  
Must needs forsooth in haste be Ladified.   

juvenis tonsus.  
THat Petrus proves so bald, and yet so young,  
What one who sees him may but wonder at it,  
Knowing how late his hair was thick and long:  
Tut, come, 'tis quickly questioned whence he got it,  
Not by the Barber's razor, nor his knife,  
But very near, 'twas by the Barber's wife.   

Antiqua ignota.  
IEnkin must needs prove Gentleman, and why?  
By ancient rules fetched from Antiquity:  
True; if so ancient as we do not know,  
jenkin's gentility must needs be so.   

Ocreatus esuriens.  
OF Ben that braves it in white boots, it's muttered  
He feeds at home on Carrot roots unbutterd.   

Pecunia praevalens.  
HAnd off Sir Saucebox: Think you Mrs Phips  
Allows such Lob's as you to touch her lips?  
But then it's questioned further, If you bring her  
Some Legem pone, that's another thing sir.   

Mortua, mutata.  
SVrdus this point will still insist upon,  
Though joan his wife and he hate one another;  
Yet ought they howe'er be both as one,  
For that such matters married men should smother:  
Until she dead shall with the Devil remain,  
Then must they be no longer one but twain.   

Esuriens avidus.  
LEt kitchen Kate prove ne'er so foul or common  
All's one to Clogo, if she be a woman:  
Who standing lest on fashions finical,  
Falls to his business like a Natural.   

Par, pari.  
SIr Miles his men's heads breaks for aught amiss,  
But then 'tis Quid pro quo; his maids break his.   

Emens cogens.  
WHy blame you jaques of so just a deed,  
As to provide for matters necessary?  
He did not buy his breeches without need,  
For true it was, he could no longer tarry.   

Pristina obliviscens.  
PRetus aspired to office, thinks no more  
On those abhorred country Carts and Ploughs,  
No not upon the best of weeds he wore  
But th'other day: his place more worth allows.  
What cares he who repines, or be aggrieved,  
Things are not now as when Andrea lived.   

Conscientia testis.  
WHat makes Anthonio deem himself undone,  
Being quest'ned since his office first begun:  
But that a conscience tells him, Quae sumuntur  
Tam male parta, male dilabuntur.   

Genitoris nesciens.  
TOm asks no father's blessing, if you note him,  
And wiser he unless he knew who got him.   

Non Aquila Muscas, etc.  
A Buxom Lady of the last Edition,  
Wooed by her Servingman, his suit denies,  
Bidding him know (with humble more submission)  
That soaring Eagles scorn to catch at flies.   

Credenti satis.  
YOung Galatea matched with old St john,  
A goodly, sweet, and lovely babe hath brought him,  
Which makes so many muse so much upon,  
That for these twelve years have unable thought him  
Surely there's then some other supportation,  
Or merely must be done by inspiration.   

Credens suadens.  
MAd jealous Mopsus, a man seen in arts,  
Was told by one, his Wife had worthy parts,  
To which he more outrageous makes reply,  
How should this Rascal such her parts descry?   

Spectatores deteriores.  
GRace scorns to grieve at worst disgrace that's told her,  
Since 'tis her grace more graceless grooms behold her.   

Nuda veritas.  
A Question seemed of late to be propounded,  
Why Lewes his loins with leather were begirt  
The answer may you guess might soon be grounded  
From naked truth, which was, he had no shirt.   

Notus ignotus.  
BEhold yond Grasshopper clad all in green,  
Hat, cloak, and suit alike: for love sake stop  
Till he may more perspicuously be seen:  
Pox hang him Gull, has ta'en a Cobbler's shop:  
And now remembering such a foist that rambles,  
His mother keeps a Tripehouse near the Shambles▪   

Clament perditores.  
Ianus' hath studied long to break a jest  
Upon these rhymes, he doth so much detest,  
And can you blame him? well he may be chiding,  
That hath so ofttimes spur-galld been with riding.   

Dicta praedicta.  
BAttus breaks jests on any thing that's spoken,  
Provided always they before are broken.   

Vxor imperans.  
GRand Sulmo swears he'll not commanded be  
By any mortal of what ere degree,  
And yet his little Nan that scorns to ask it,  
Makes the great lubber stoop and pin the basket.   

Daemonum certamen.  
A Broker and an Usurer contended,  
Which in's profession was the most befriended  
And for experience, more to have it tried,  
A Scrivener must the difference decide:  
To whom quoth he, you like the Fox and Cub,  
One shall be Mammon, th'other Belzebub.   

Verbum sat.  
PRoximius from his heart protesteth it,  
Without long phrase or tedious repetition,  
He would more knave become had he more wit,  
So that the case needs no more exposition.   

Volens nolens.  
Will with proviso wils you testify,  
Has made his Will, but hath no will to die.   

Dulce quod utile.  
WHo writes for Stationers in any vain,  
That brings not therewith present store of gain,  
Let it of matters whatsoe'er contain,  
Is sure to have but labour for his pain.   

Ictus sapit.  
WHen Lucius came of late unto the place  
Where Lidea was, with whom in times of yore  
He some hot dealings had: with fearful face  
Steps him in haste aside behind the door,  
And being asked wherefore he came no nigher,  
Oh sirs (quoth he) the burnt child dreads the fire.   

Mutuans dissimulans.  
DIck crafty borrows to no other end,  
But for he will not aught to others lend,  
That else might ask him: 'tis some wisdom Dick  
How ere accounted but a knavish trick.   

Ignota condonata.  
HOdge would you knew how honest he is grown  
Only desires excuse for 'scapes unknown.   

Haedera vinum.  
CLaudus the Vintner for his wife's sake sells  
Great store of Wine, and all provision else:  
Which to her guests she dearly doth afford,  
And yet contents them both at bed and board.   

Vindictum muliebre.  
SToop foul-mouthed Malcus, & be whipped a while  
Art not ashamed to call thy mistress whore?  
And wilt not such presumption reconcile,  
But vex her with thy vileness more and more?  
Well: look she hire not them shall in the dark  
Pay thee in private with a public mark.   

Vidua aurata.  
GAllus hath got a widow wondrous old,  
The reason is, he wooed her for her gold:  
Knowing her maids are young, and serve for hire,  
Which is as much as Gallus doth desire.   

Coacta fiducia.  
PErfidious Milo lives on trust: 'tis true;  
Of them would hang him could they it eschew   

Parcus prodigus.  
HOw comes it Calvus living long by use,  
Should now in's latter days prove so profuse?  
Oh sir, he got it in the times of evil,  
And now as frank affords it to the Devil.   

Posteriora chariora.  
KIt meeting Kate, calls movingly to mind,  
He had not kissed her these three months or more  
And therefore hoped the long remain behind  
Might now be had, as kept for him in store:  
Yes, (answers Kate) may that your stomach ease,  
As much behind at all times as you please.   

Foelix infoelicibus.  
WHat makes Menalchas to become so proud?  
Nothing that seems by honest course allowed  
Then must it needs be Vice did him advance,  
And only happy is but by mischance.   

Varietas, iniquitas.  
MAt will not marry: true, cause tied to none,  
He may have wenches new, when th'old are gone   

Quid fatuis?  
DAltus demands to whom I durst commend,  
Or would devose to dedicate my Book,  
Being for Epigrams so poorly penned:  
My answer must be, Prithee (Dolt) go look.   

Signum saltem.  
Mark yet how Mopsus at my Verses mews,  
See how again his rotten teeth he shows:  
O let him (if you love me) flout his fill,  
He knows how to distinguish bad from ill:  
And though not trained up in Schools hath been,  
Yet keeps of books a cartload to be seen.   

Indicans-amans.  
THat Lambo loves good liquor, who denies it,  
Or will the least in such defence oppose;  
But than you'll yield I hope, he dear buys it,  
Witness the colour of his ruby nose.   

Ebrius oblitus.  
FVcus was foxed last night, but 'tis concealed,  
And would not for his Office 'twere revealed.   

Omnia pariter.  
RAlph reads a line or two, and then cries mew,  
Deeming all else according to those few:  
Thou mightst have thought, (& proved a wiser lad)  
(As joan her puddings bought) some good, some bad   

Nil magnis invidia.  
HOw comes it Caius lives so en●ved at?  
'Cause started up (you'll say) to such estate,  
And but so little learned. Well, what of that,  
Hath he not therefore a more reaching pate?  
Yes, and may truly tell them that repine,  
Caius made Haycocks whiles the Sun did shine.   

Vt cecidit surgit.  
NOw Martha married is, she'll brave it out,  
Though ne'er so needy known to all about.  
And reason good she rise once in her life,  
That fell so oft before she was a wife.   

Tacens cogitans.  
WHo calls Rebecca whore, shall do her wrong▪  
Cannot he hear and see, and hold his tongue   

Anguis in herba.  
WHat makes young Brutus keep his bed so long,  
Not being sick? pish, come you do him wrong,  
To judge so rashly: 'tis a deeper cure  
Than Doctors deal with, which he must endure.   

jactans timens.  
Fallen fought Furio swaggers, swells, and swears,  
He'll pull the stoutst and proudest by the ears:  
But finding some unlookt-for opposite,  
Seems to admire what humour should incite  
That which he near so much as dreamt: who he?  
Not for a world (sir) in the least degree.   

Votum violatum.  
VOtus had vowed he would do nothing else  
But what Necessity perforce compels:  
And yet so drunk was next day wondered at:  
Tell me, is there necessity in that?   

Propria communis.  
PRu proves a fair, but not a proper woman,  
True, for how can she proper be that's common?   

Sonans, non soluens.  
'tWas much that Mat in music so excelling,  
Beyond report of skill by most men's telling,  
Should amongst all those driblets not defrayed,  
Leave the poor pudding-wife so long unpaid.   

Mercator scortator.  
DEny't not (Lalus) thouart a secret Lecher,  
And with thy Trull hast oft been seen to sport it  
Hiring some Laundress or old Nurse to fetch her  
Unto thy Garden-house: tut ne'er retort it:  
Not all the wares contained within thy shop,  
Can half the mouths of thine accusers stop.   

Hortus improbus.  
GVido his garden-house towards the fields,  
Little for pleasure, lest for profit yields:  
And yet to leave't twill not his liking sort with,  
Though but sometimes he begger-wenches sport with.   

Verbera verbis.  
COcus pays debts with words, & blows, & threats  
For those that trust him not, he sound beats.   

Rectius peius.  
WAT went not well the ready way to work,  
That lost all's coin at Tick-tack th'other day,  
(Having worse chance then ere had jew or Turk,)  
And yet went Wat the ready way to play.   

Fortunae obediendum.  
STrange 'twas that Civis thought so wondrous witty,  
So curious, acquaint, and complemental nice,  
Not to be paralleled throughout the City  
For exquisite behaviour and advice,  
Should yet for all those choice perfections rare,  
Prove himself bankrupt ere he was aware.   

Incertam mendacium.  
SEptimius brags he hoarded hath in store  
Of bags of money well near half a score.  
'tis sure of that uncertain quantity,  
As without question a most certain lie.   

Profunda Scientia.  
SAL can by science deep profundity  
Force you cry fough: jeronimo go by.   

Aequalis concensus.  
CAecus and's Choice, for change no time defers  
Both separate, yet consenting each to either,  
He maids for his turn takes, she men for hers,  
And so they jump, though seldom join together.   

Volenti satis.  
OLd Cambrios wife being newly brought a-bed  
(As luck would have it) of a goodly Boy,  
The hopeful Issue of her maidenhead,  
And only jewel of the father's joy:  
One standing by her, praised her Husband's skill,  
Yes, true quoth she, the Man did his good will.   

Incognita suadeant.  
ANna protests she ne'er had Child but one,  
And that by him contracted, should have been  
Her Husband had he lived: but dead and gone  
She scorns be questioned by your proudst of kin.   

Nupta dignior.  
MALFATO hath the mastery of her husband got.  
True; much the sooner, cause she loves him not.   

Optare frustra.  
THere cannot prove to Claudius such a curse,  
As still to find in's heart, and not in's purse:  
But what the Destinies will have decreed,  
Must be (saith Claudius) were't to hang for need.   

Subito sentiens.  
ROgerus tells me upon first of sight,  
These Rhymes of mine too sudden are composed  
Who would have thought the fool had jumped so right  
Or could so sudden have the same disclosed?  
Yes why not (pray) so sudden in his speeches,  
As he late suddenly bewrayed his breeches?   

A Cunabilis orta.  
AMie hath got an itch twice twelve years old,  
Caught at the first she felt it from her mother,  
Who if a man would hang her cannot hold,  
So near they jump for filching like to other.   

Formosa fragilis.  
BEsse wins all outward praise can set her forth,  
But closely trades: then what's all praises worth?   

Fama infamia.  
WAT hath of women won a wondrous name,  
How mean you? wondrous in the worse sense?  
Yes for he woos them with that wondrous shame  
In all his actions worth Sr Reverence.   

Nomine, non re.  
GRace I confess it, hath a comely face,  
Good hand and foot as answerable to it:  
But what's all this, except she had more grace?  
Oh you will say, 'tis Want that makes her do it.  
True, want of grace indeed, the more her shame,  
Graceless by nature: only Grace by name.   

Indigens occultans.  
WHy should the World and Will so disagree,  
That he so closely skulks, and no man sees.  
I cannot guess the cause, unless it be  
Long of Long-lane, and want of wont sees.   

Vt parta perdita.  
MArcellus proves a man of double means,  
First raised by drunkards, them undone by queans   

Front fancies.  
SVsan defies the slave says black's her eye,  
And may she on the matter, for 'tis grey:  
But Su's a Trull the Town can testify,  
And will be whiles she lives who ere says nay.   

Visum, manifestum.  
SErvus esteemed his Mistress passing chaste,  
And reason than had Servus so t'esteem her:  
But Servus since the business 'gins distaste,  
And is persuaded he did much misdeem her.  
For what he sees, beside so often told it,  
Makes him for truth believe she cannot hold it.   

Noverint universi.  
jack scorns be jealous, should you ne'er so move him  
Come to his house else any man and prove him:  
Worthy says jack cornuted will despair,  
That knows his wife's true carriage to a hair.   

Vnus, duplex.  
DOL brought a-bed seemed to her Husband loath  
He should bid Godfathers and fathers both.   

Tenebris ignotus.  
SEcretus walking in unknown disguise,  
By no means can endure the candlelight,  
Not that it proves offensive to his eyes,  
But loves unknown to drab it late at night.   

Morans festinans.  
QVintinius questionless was quite belied,  
That on the scores reported so did run,  
When as (the business plainly verified)  
It proves a year since most of them begun.  
So that it must a Paradox bewray  
Thus fast to run and yet so still to stay.   

Levis facilis.  
'Thas been a Proverb old, That work proves light  
Which in performance most of hands can do  
But 'tis to Luce alluded not aright,  
That makes light work and puts no hand thereto.   

Vestitus peritus.  
CLitus goes ofttimes clad in suits of Scarlet,  
That else no colour had to play the Varlet.   

Somnus decipiens.  
DOd sweetly dreamt this other night had found  
In gold and silver near an hundred pound,  
But waking felt he was with fleas sore bitten,  
And further smelled he had his shirt be—   

Suum cuique.  
A Strange contention being lately had,  
Which kind of Music was the sweetst & best;  
Some praised the sprightly sound, and some the sad,  
Some like the Viols; and among the rest,  
Some in the Bagpipes commendation spoke,  
(Quoth one stood by) Give me a pipe of smoke.   

Stabilis domina.  
WHat need Bernardus fear of being banged  
By that old Master, knowing well his dame  
Who cares not greatly if the Hog were hanged,  
Stands 'twixt them both though he ne'er so to blame   

Castus stultus.  
RVth matched with Ralph must have his maidenhead  
At lest is sure to bring the fool to bed.   

Vtcunque generosandum.  
FIe on thee Fabius, one of thy fair means  
And found a bed with filthy Oyster queans?  
Hang't, if thine appetite must needs so hunger,  
thou mightst have proved more generous a munger.   

Front differentia.  
HOdge thouart an honest Trojan, so is Hugh,  
Which equal seems to give no place to you,  
Nay rich besides th'u'rt Hodge, and so is Hugh,  
Then where's the difference pray 'twixt him & you?  
Hark, thouart a cuckold Hodge, so is not Hugh,  
And there's the very odds 'twixt him and you.   

Quater insanivimus.  
Franciscus' feasts it four times every year,  
Upon the getting of his quarters fees,  
Which bounteously he spends as doth appear,  
And three months after feeds on bread and cheese.   

Laetior notior.  
SIlus seems sad though there's no cause wherefore  
For being merry would prove fool much more.   

Emptum permanens.  
WHat need had Gregory more to understand,  
Then should concern him to subscribe his had  
So long's his grandsires plow at first had wrought it  
And his dads money now so dearly bought it.   

Imperans impotens.  
Much had Montanus need be wise, and fearing  
In case of conscience what's fit to do,  
That justice gives for peace and good abearing,  
And ne'er yet learned the rules belongs thereto.  
Yes; has the Statutes and those Precedents  
Which men's objections many a one prevents.   

Alit credulitas.  
GAlfridus well preoccupates betimes,  
I tax not him in any of my rhymes:  
And wiser he to live without suspicion,  
Are there not Drunkards more of his condition?   

Nasus indicans.  
DAcus with Surgeons deals, but what of that?  
Tax him who will, he'll bear a nose that's flat.   

Ingeniosa, lasciva.  
KAte (I confess it) hath a ready wit,  
But such a fault as much confoundeth it:  
For as she's jesting when the fit comes on her,  
So suffers she men jest too much upon her.   

Pulchra periculosa.  
WHo sees Sabinas' outside but will say,  
She's most exceeding modest, young & fair,  
For nought those paintings do her looks bewray,  
Or is discerned her eyebrows want of hair:  
Much less describes her Alabaster skin,  
How rotten and corrupt she is within.   

Surgens prostrata.  
ASk Lettuce where she lies; she'll say in Town,  
But (Lettuce) whereabouts? faith up and down  
True: I believe't, for since thou knewst the town,  
Thy dealings ever have been up and down.   

Agilis inculpabilis.  
PRiss dares pronounce her actions yet in prime,  
Cannot approve her Bawd before her time.   

Socius ad scaelera.  
A Health says Lucas to his love's bright eye,  
Which not to pledge were much indignity,  
You cannot do him greater courtesy,  
Then to be drunk and damned for company.   

Quis ego, etc.  
RVfus in rage the Pots flings down the stairs,  
And threats to pull the drawer by the ears,  
For giving such attendance: slave says he  
Where's thine observance: Ha? must such as we  
Be no more waited on? go; bring to pay,  
And keep my Rapier till I come this way.   

Pudet sui.  
WHat made brave Brusus shift his dwelling place  
Where he so seemed to flourish but of late:  
Hark in your ear: He dares not show his face,  
Since he was burdened so for stealing Plate.   

Secreta necessitas.  
WHat makes F.G. wear still one pair of Hose.  
Ask Banks the Broker; he the business knows.   

Dirigens Diabolus.  
WHo sees proud Lucius mounted thus aloft,  
But may admire how much the times have wrought  
Only this mischief certain still remains,  
Whiles Lucius rides, the Devil directs the raynes.   

Novus ortus, etc.  
From cart to court on cockhorse Caius vaunts him  
In that aspiring pomp as doth surpass,  
But here's the plaguy spite, his kindred haunts him,  
And tells the kitchin-groomes whose son he was:  
But what should that (proud Caius) need dismay thee  
When better than thyself thou seest obey thee?   

Ignotus sibi.  
FAstidius finds it, Nimis ultra posse,  
How to distinguish of Teipsum nosce:  
I do not marvel much it should be so,  
For why the Coxcomb will himself not know.   

Vt Pluma persona.  
WHy wears Laurentius such a lofty feather?  
Because he's proud & foolish both together.   

Audax mendax.  
NAnus would prove an Epigrammatist,  
Who vaunting much on terms of had-I-wist,  
Said (vncontroulled) He more than I had wrote:  
But I as bold, gave him the lie in's throat.   

Spernendura vulgus.  
WHat tell ye me of Epigrammicke toys,  
(Says Signior Sotus) fitter stuff for boys:  
So much he's vexed at any man's invention,  
Which to his understanding makes no mention:  
Who would be moved with those so poor disgraces  
Grown from such grooms, not spitting in their faces   

Inexorabilis uxor.  
BEN cowardly to blame▪ his wife beseeches  
She would but hold her hands, & take the breeches  
Who scorning lest his words to think upon,  
The more he begs, the more she lays him on.   

Postrema pessima.  
CAcus in's cunning ne'er so proved o're-retcht,  
As now at last, who must be halterstretcht.   

Moriturus ante paraturus.  
SIl cannot sleep at nights, and wot you why?  
Not that he meditates on least good action,  
But only knowing that the slave must dye,  
Who to the world hath made no satisfaction.   

Tandem Diabolo.  
TEll me Maximius, (prithee) why dost live,  
Still to enjoy this earthly habitation?  
And ne'er cast up th'account which thou must give  
For such thy wealths abusive usurpation?  
What do thy Doctors longer seek to save thee,  
But for thy money till the Devil must have thee.   

Nil pocula.  
DIcke in a day can purchase more with's pen,  
Then jane his wife by all those Gentlemen  
That drink Tobacco in his house at large,  
But that (says Dick) will not the rent discharge.   

Vt vixit morietur.  
QVintus to make his will being late requested,  
Refused it, saying, He would die detested.   

Dedicus durabile.  
HAd Dru but drunk been vain 't'had proved to write out  
Being a subject of so poor a strain,  
But Dru berayd himself, there grew the spite out  
Such as he ne'er could since make clean again.   

Pestis inevitabilis.  
ZFut say, could Saltus more than pawn his sword  
To Ralph the Cobbler for those russet shoes;  
And yet the scoundrel would not take his word,  
But must you see his reputation lose?  
Nor was it that which half so much had shamed him,  
Had not the rascal fore his Mistress named him.   

Obligatio terribilis.  
MAt that stood musing on the Scrivener's band  
Thought with himself dooms day was ne'er at hand,  
Till entering on discourse of further reason  
Knew then the times compelled him out of season.   

Carne carnifici.  
HVgo for Venison hot, the Side or Haunch,  
Ventures his neck soon as for a wench.   

Timidus astutus.  
SEE how submissive Faunus greets his foe,  
With cap and knee; would you the reason know  
He hath so oft been knocked, as now he fears,  
There's no evasion for his Ass' ears.   

Expertus Mendicus.  
'tIs much that Nath, who can so well indite,  
Can so exactly play upon the Lute,  
Can so familiarly both talk and write,  
And can in Latin pro et con dispute,  
Should yet for all those Cans of skill so dear.  
Not able purchase him one Can of Beer.   

Al●a, vina, etc.  
IF Signior Gallus by his weekly gain,  
Could house, & horse, & Hawk, & hound maintain  
How should he now become so poor a scab,  
Surely by Dice, or drink, or Doll that Drab.   

Magnus minimis.  
DAcus hath been in's days a man of note,  
Only for wenching, nothing else I wot.   

Mutata casualia.  
YOung Lanus loves to haunt such Ordinary  
Where he hath most been heretofore unknown  
That on his back he some old cloak may carry  
There to exchange for better than his own.   

Elatus humilis.  
WHy asks sir Lewes' where Mrs Lucrece lies?  
Or wherefore she so oft her lodging shifts,  
But that he would be lewd? let it suffice,  
Your men (sir Lewes) too much perceive your drifts:  
Who still are told (how ere your greatness swaggers)  
That you too bold have been to blame with beggars.   

Debitum triennium.  
GOod cause had Gluto for himself to say,  
Shall not these glories last but for a day?  
Whose weeds which at St Georges feast he wore,  
Have not these three years scaped the Mercer's score.   

Ecce signum.  
WOuld any man make question Phil's not fair,  
Let him but look else on her yellow hair.   

Constans, implacabilis.  
PRay urge not Romulus to take a wife,  
That hath so vowed it, you'll but vex him more,  
Therefore desist, and move him not to strife,  
That is (you see) so constant to his—   

Videremur tamen.  
Cresus' would seem to have his conscience clear  
From touch or blemish of the world's suspicion  
But tell me (Croesus) how can that appear,  
When all that see thee know thy lewd condition,  
How true a villain from thine infancy  
Thou hast been, art, and so intendest to die.   

Vere & Hyeme.  
OFt have I studied and much wondered what  
Makes Frank (so feeding) look so lean withal;  
Pox, now I think on't, 'tis no more but that  
Old grief you wot of comes at Spring and fall.   

Brevius gratius.  
But that to write thus briefly I proposed, (closed  
Thou hadst been (Francus) more at large does-   

Communia vilia.  
CAll Parnel punk, albeit the cause you show not,  
Or instance thereto do allege not any.  
Thus answers she, pray tell me what I know not,  
For this too oft times hath been told by many.   

Veritas nuda.  
Rakehell translated in her Ruff of yellow,  
To change that habit swears she'll not endure it  
Though ne'er so flouted by each filthy fellow,  
Not that her gettings can so well procure it:  
But to speak freely 'gainst all taunts and checks,  
Rachel indeed hath no more Ruffs than necks.   

Non redimens egens.  
Joan to redeem the times perforce is drawn,  
But cannot yet redeem her rags from pawn:  
Which is the cause her gains no more arises,  
But must needs yield to such poor petty prizes.   

Intus occultum.  
SVe cannot sound be to love alured,  
True, till in time she of the P. be cured.   

Fancies ignota.  
WHy should not Rubin rich apparel wear,  
That's left more money than an Ass can bear▪  
Can any guess him by his outward guise,  
But that he may be generous and wise?   

Sciens nesciens.  
COsmus by custom taunts each man,  
And yet can nought of reason skan,  
How can that be, when who knows lest  
Knows he should wise be that will jest:  
Then thus, no further I allow,  
That Cosmus knows, but knows not how.   

Histrio-Poeta.  
TVrnus hath got an itch in Poetry,  
And for that cause haunts Player's company,  
As casts-off-chambermaid convert to Drabs,  
So may his itch in time break out to scabs.   

Capax incopabilis.  
PRodus in's office proves no cunning Scribe,  
Yet hath he cunning learned to take a bribe.   

Certa dissimulans.  
monsieur Piero's wife trades all in French,  
And coily simpering cries Pardona moy.  
As who should think she's sure no common wench  
But a most true dissembler par mafoy.   

Sperans utcumque  
PRu that by marriage meant herself t'advance,  
Is now compelled by that unlucky chance,  
Left by her Lord who no amends would make,  
To match thus as you see for fashion sake.  
But time she doubts not will ere long procure it,  
(As were she laid once) think you she'll endure it?   

Ignis et aqua.  
TRollus Tobacco vows will ne'er forsake,  
Nor wenching, careless which for costs the greater  
Th'one for a cooler forced (says) needs must take,  
Th'other appears (it seems) too sore a heater.   

Multorum nullus.  
Risen in her reckoning hath so over gone it,  
As whom to name she now no more thinks on it.   

Vt Corvus Ouum.  
PArvus that Pettilogger termed to be,  
Not getting in a Term an honest fee,  
Picks that dependence gratis from his Daughter,  
Which she affords him by a trick that's taught her.   

Expertus certus.  
GRunto would prove a scurvy Divinator,  
Able of times foreseeing dangers tell:  
Who having been an ancient Fornicator,  
With that too late infectious feeling Nell,  
Is now resolved past help of cordial food,  
No Doctor's skill will henceforth do him good.   

Astutus Vrbanus.  
POnd paid not less than twenty to the pound,  
that late thrice bankrupt was. How may that be?  
Yes, by a cunning fraud, no more was found  
To give, but seven to each. The more knave he.   

Dubium indubitatum  
SAy Parnels children prove not one like th'other,  
The best is yet she's sure they'd all one Mother.   

Vivens mortuis.  
WHat makes young Brutus bear so high his head  
And on the sudden gallant it so brave?  
Pray understand sirs fathers newly dead,  
Who hath so long been wished for laid in's grave▪   

Inexorabilis inops.  
Brave Captain Medon can no more endure  
To live in England, then to brook the lie:  
Pox of persuasions, can they him allure  
From furthest parts, where he must live and dye?  
Urge it no more I tell you, 'twill but grieve him,  
For here no longer may his friends relieve him.   

Necessi●●ti obediendum.  
BEttrice defies him basest of condition,  
Durst least but cross her humour's disposition▪  
And that the Hold-my-staffe her husband knows,  
Who Spaniell-like stoops still at her dispose.   

Clamans Asinus.  
WHo says Tom Tipstaffe is no man of calling,  
Can any Crier at Sessions be more bawling?   

Vivens pictura.  
LIncus the Painter limbs unto the life,  
All sorts of features, saving joan his wife▪  
Of whom (saith Lincus) it's not questioned,  
Why she so living, should be limbed: but dead.   

Sapiens natura.  
SHould Planus know more terms or tricks of art,  
Then have been still observed by imitation,  
Bred as you see him bluntly, for his part,  
According to the homespun country fashion:  
Yet by your leave, although unlearned in School,  
Planus may pass for no such common—   

Notum, frustra.  
RVfus I'll rhyme upon thee whiles I live,  
And yet no notice to thy neighbours give;  
That can decipher thee in other fashion  
Then shall my Pen by rhyming make relation.   

Periens spernens.  
ASk not why Priss no more with plumes adorns it,  
she's grown so poor a— sir as she scorns it.   

Dupliciter parta.  
MArk but how upstart young Mercutio jets it:  
Would not a man much wonder how he gets it?  
Faith by no cunning or inventions fraud.  
His Mother's partly Broker, partly B—   

Veritas coacta.  
YOung Prodigus to blame rebuked his Page,  
Because his tarrying had so long been such.  
Who boldly told the truth spite of his rage:  
Which was, The Broker would not lend so much.  
Wherein had Prodigus been more advised,  
The standers by had not so much surmised.   

Spe deterior.  
SEE how the Fates 'gainst Spruso had compacted,  
That to so rich a wife, but new contracted,  
Must meet so jump that scurvy Execution,  
Which since hath proved his utter dissolution.   

Sero revocabile.  
IF Turnus now were free as erst from matching,  
He ne'er would subject be to wives for scratching.   

Coactus fur.  
Mark for a word mistaking of but stand,  
That should in stead thereof have said good morrow  
Hath (past all help) been twice burnt in the hand,  
Long of such will not lend when Mark would borrow.   

Tunica sempiterna.  
KIT cannot yet his mourning cloak give over,  
Which he procured the last great Funeral:  
And swore so long since he would wear no more,  
On best entreats or terms conditional.  
Pish, come you might those flouting jests for bear,  
Knowing he hath no other cloak to wear.   

Perfidus odiosus.  
HOw durst justinius of his Mistress blab,  
That he hath seen or known she played the drab  
Worthy to fast, or pine through penury,  
Could far so well, and needs must roast-meat cry.   

Certus furtis.  
CLem would be praised for constancy in dealing,  
A constant thief ('tis true) only for stealing.   

Sperando periens.  
Hodge hired him such a house, at such a rent,  
As might 'gainst marriage much his state augment  
But lingering Fates did so his hopes prevent,  
As Hodge perforce must fly, for all was spent.   

Vxor evertens.  
WHat cause hath Phaedra (says she) so to fear  
The poor aspersions of the viler sort,  
Admit her husband late a bankrupt were,  
Must she disparaged be by such report?  
Yes certain (Phaedra) for that half Cheapside  
Knows you procured it by your whorish pride.   

Sitiens dissimulans.  
DOd drinks not but at meals, & why d'ye think?  
Not that he sparing is or loath to pay,  
But merely and indeed for want of Chink,  
Which is the cause makes Dod go dry away.   

Domina praedominans.  
ILL may Radulphus boast of rule or riches,  
That lets his wife rule him, & wear the breeches.   

Inexpectatum datum.  
WHat should lean Trocus with fat Tom contend  
Which to the flesh might least addicted be,  
Who grown so gross may thus himself defend,  
He seeks for that which freely's given to thee.   

Pergens pendens.  
RAlph grown outrageous, rails upon my rhymes,  
Which by no means his malice can endure,  
But calls them scums, and riff-raffes of the times;  
(Only to keep his poisonous tongue in ure)  
Do Ralph, device what worse thou canst intend,  
That done, go hang thyself, and there's an end.   

Parcus profusus.  
OLd doting Claudus that rich Miser known,  
Made drunk one night, and jumbling but with joan,  
Was forced not only to discharge the shot,  
But keep the Bastard which the Gull ne'er got.   

Calce ornatus.  
WHy wears young jockey such a jinling spur?  
Oh sir, he deals with jades that will not stir   

Asinus transmarinas.  
PRomus the Puritan no longer fears  
The worst of menacing his Ass' ears:  
For spite (saith he) of threats or Epigram,  
'tis but removing hence to Amsterdam.   

Casus mutatus.  
HOw dare you talk of Tassus whence he sprung  
Admit perhaps descended from the dung,  
Who knows not, or might know, what's than was than,  
Tassus is now (you see) another man,  
Able the proudest of those lads control,  
That whilom durst affront him cheek by jowl.   

Proficiat, etc.  
IF jealous Cosmus will be such a child,  
As causeless needs assume these lines unto him,  
I can but show myself true reconciled,  
Or else must wish that they much good may do him.   

Instabilis stans.  
MAT being drunken much his anger wreaks  
On's wife; but stands to nothing that he speaks   

Reus sine re.  
WHy should poor Humphrey walking but to 〈◊〉  
With Collins daughter be condemned so,  
As to be said was closely taken napping,  
Who did but kiss her, and so let her go.   

Tunc tua res agitur.  
A jealous Merchant, that a Sailer met,  
Asked him the reason why he meant to marry,  
Knowing what ill their absence might beget,  
That long at Sea constrained are to tarry.  
Sir (quoth the Sailor) make you that so strange?  
It's done the time while you but walk th'Exchange.   

Fortiferendum.  
SAy prithee (Lusco) where didst lodge last night?  
Hark in thine ear, (Have I not hit it right.)  
Come come, confess. Better than thou or I  
Have on the Hayloft oft been forced to lie.   

Ignotus Asinus.  
NAnus at Noddy least in any sort  
Desires to play, but loves to see the sport.   

Vltimum capistrum.  
BArtellus bragging how he lived by's wit,  
And ne'er was yet for least offence committed,  
Is now past hope, there's nought can him acquit,  
But must at last be needs for Tyburn fitted.   

Alius, altior.  
WOuld you with Caius offer now confer  
In such familiar sort as heretofore?  
And not observe he's grown an Officer,  
That looks for adoration ten times more?  
Tut, what of pedigree, or turpe domo,  
'tis not so now you see; nam ecce homo.   

Filius matris.  
WHat lets thee (jonathan) thou shouldst not be  
As honest as thy father? Say, was he  
So great a wencher? sure I take it not,  
And yet he ambling, might thy mother troth.   

Silons' simplex.  
WIll would seem wise, & many words let pass,  
Speaking but little cause he's such an—   

Videat taceat.  
DRusus not deigns the least of retrospect  
On these rude rhymes, he doth so much reject  
Whether more strange I know not, or unkind,  
But Drusus fears he here himself doth find.   

Infundo cineres.  
Strange was it (Mun) thy mother brought forth thee  
Mongst all her children so deformed a creature,  
For how indeed can it but wondered be,  
That she so fair, thou shouldst be of that feature:  
The reason may be thus (if not too gross)  
There was no mettle left besides the dross.   

Bonum pro male.  
PArnel in public questioning my name,  
Says in her anger she has done with me:  
But I'll not be revenged so much for shame,  
To tell the world what I have done with thee.   

Empta nostra.  
MAdam la Foy wears not those locks for nought  
Ask at the shop else where the same she bought   

Vt caput crimina.  
OF thou Sir Miles too much cannot be said,  
For meddling with black Bess the kitchen maid  
No more those dealings are discerned of late,  
Then is that periwig upon thy pate.   

Dubiens decipiens.  
WHy should young Lelio think I love him not,  
Or with the least of jealousy suppose,  
These Rhymes of mine so rude and mis-begot,  
Should like strong mustard take him by the nose:  
Sure there's some matter in't which makes him doubt,  
He such a stinkard should be so smelled out.   

Vtcunque superbus.  
PRoud Celso knows since his aspiring state,  
That those who fear him most, do most him hate  
Yet scorns to take it least for countercheck,  
Though change hereafter chance to break his neck.   

Principia sordida.  
BAssus of lands good store, and leases, farms,  
whose mother milkpails bore ere he bore arms   

Experto credendum.  
HOw durst Capritius call his wedlock whore,  
But that he speaks it plus quam per narratum,  
Nam ipso teste: what require you more,  
Unless you'd have it magis approbatum.   

Tandem ulciscatur.  
HOw durst you call in question mistress Maud,  
Because her name a little was disgraced?  
Put case her mother proved a kind of B.  
Must that conclude her ere the more unchaste?  
Well, luck (she doubts not) but may one day lend her  
To find that flatcap out which shall defend her.   

Vt freta, fortuna.  
ASk Dacus how his luck at dicing goes,  
Like to the Tide (saith he) it ebbs and flows;  
Then I suppose the same cannot be good,  
For all men knows 'tis longer ebb than flood.   

Pecunia praevalens.  
TEll Tom of Plato's worth, or Aristotle's?  
Hang't, give him wealth enough, let wit stop bottles   

Ortus indicans.  
Derive thy pedigree. (Hugh) ne'er so high  
From great Cadwallider, or Brutus' son,  
Thou canst not blaze it from true Heraldry,  
But wilt a Bastard prove when all is done.   

Admiretur vulgus.  
MAgus a man of artificial trade,  
Most confident believes, and will aver,  
These Epigrams of mine are meant and made  
By persons known, in each particular:  
Come (Magus) thou hast borne a jealous head  
Ere since thy wife was found with one a bed.   

Eadem cupiens.  
MAria means to match with such a mome,  
As shall not tax her in the least behaviour,  
Neither for matters past, nor what's to come:  
Provided, y'are a quean (Malipiero) by your favour.   

Porcis proclivis.  
PRiscilla proves to pig's flesh much inclined,  
Doubtless descended from some hoggish kind.   

Debitum consuetum.  
Tyb scorns be taxed for dearness in her trade,  
That takes for hire but as your Hackney jade,  
Provided you depart ere candlelight,  
Or pay her double, if you stay all night.   

Vestigia matris.  
THat Tom'sins turned true trul who would believe  
Or to those outward looks lest credit give,  
That not attained to yet full fourteen years,  
So duly drabs it, drinks, and don●●neers;  
Acting her Mother's steps, as on a stage,  
Who had a Bastard just about that age.   

Patientia inimica.  
PRu that had patience to have borne with any,  
And loved plain dealing, witness all that knows her  
Is now undone, by braving one to many:  
So that you see plain-dealing overthrows her.   

Vt cornua crines.  
MAt will maintain, that horns and hoary hairs  
come by haphazard, much more than by years   

Inuita chasta.  
MIldred from marriage means herself abjure;  
For certain reasons she's ashamed to speak,  
And which remediless she cannot cure,  
Less able hold but needs perforce must I—   

Verbum sat.  
BE prouder still (young Spruso) spite of foes;  
What? pull thyself already by the nose?  
As if some fatal Oracle foretold,  
Thou hast too long been malepertly bold:  
Well: take it then, and thankful go thy way,  
Thou know'st well (Spruso) what I worse could say   

Eques Solis.  
SIr Sol can dance, and turn, and stoutly eat,  
But cannot fool half well to earn his meat,  
Plead alms (Sir Sol) where thou mayst get a dinner  
Or starve thyself, thou canst not look more thinner   

Trahens officina.  
Sardinios' wife Tobacco sells for fashion,  
But keeps a house of other occupation.   

Facile responsum.  
LVscus that lately so much brawn did eat,  
Was told by him that gave it; You friend mine  
Know you what longeth to such kind of meat?  
Yes (sir) quoth he, a cup of Muscadine.   

Stolidus stolidior.  
A Book of Epigrams, and made by me?  
It's some sweet stuff, dares William warrant ye  
Who near least meddles or will have to do  
With what opinion leads him not unto:  
But William seemed not well to understand,  
When's wife was purchased at the second hand.   

Patiens armatus.  
EGidius will prove patient spite of fortune,  
Let worst of chance him ne'er so much importune  
He'll be the same in losing as in winning,  
A patient C— from the first beginning.   

Tandem manifestum.  
KAth'rine that hid those candles out of sight,  
Might well conceive they'll come at length to light.   

Veritas subverta.  
LVke that a man on horseback met but late,  
Would simply seem thus to equivocate,  
And strong maintain 'gainst who contend should dare  
'twas merely but a Tailor and a Mare.   

Haec fabula non.  
Acteon-like keeps Hounds to hunt,  
Not to be pulled down as Actaeon was:  
That were a business would appear too blunt,  
By Poets feigned, but ne'er seen come to pass:  
Th'one of Diana ancient stories tell,  
Th'other of Anne his wife is known too well.   

Canis ad vomitum.  
LAmpus that left his lousy occupation,  
And lives now (as you see) in other fashion:  
Must yet resume his nature's former habit,  
Which either useth to be drunk, or drab it.   

Ebria, prostrata.  
FRancke at first motion no man's face endures,  
But being drunk, she's then for ever yours.   

Stabilis fiducia.  
QVintus will needs be known a man of trust  
That stands upon his credit firm and just.  
Indeed I oft have heard the Chandler talk,  
How firm his credit stands upon the chalk.   

Empta poenitentia.  
IAcke to his jug in feeling passion swore,  
He would approve her a polluted—  
Whose tempting outward looks, & borrowed locks,  
And inwardly defiled, given him the—  
Thou liest (quoth jug) 'twas what thy money bought  
How dear so ere thou paidst, I gave thee nought.   

Non omnibus dormiens.  
SAy Malipiero be but a Chambermaid, what then?  
Must she prove packhorse for all kind of men?  
Yes more than time they think her as their own:  
Alas her carriage hath been too well known.   

Fragilis, Lubrica.  
SIb much disdains the world should find her slip,  
But (Sib) 'tis known who had you on the hip.   

Satis optasse.  
OLd Limpus fain would live & see good days,  
Fully attained to threescore years and ten,  
Who though from wenching much his strength decays  
Yet has he will as well as youngest men.   

Sublimis prostratus.  
MOunseur Lorenzo since his office lost,  
Wherein of late he lived a great Commander,  
Walks discontented like the angry ghost  
Of proud Tarqvinius, or Pope Alexander:  
Whom Fates envying should so domineer,  
Have flung down headlong with a full career.   

Quae data, nostra.  
Brutus' complain'd his wife did nought him bring  
Or since her marriage gave him any thing:  
To whom (quoth she) y'are much to blame to brawl,  
Bring I not boys without your help at all?   

Citò benè.  
SIr john at Matins prays he might dispatch,  
Who by true promise is to bowl a match.   

Nocte latent mendae.  
THat Susan's ruffs and cuffs should so much cost,  
Having but two poor lockram smocks at most,  
It's much admired; but that the one in sight,  
Obscures the other best by candlelight.   

Caeca ad scaelera.  
NIsa that from her window glanced her eyes,  
Saw Mopsus come as fast as foot could troth:  
For joy whereof, upon her bed she lies,  
(As who should think she slept and saw him not)  
'twas strange (me thought) unless she meant herein  
Her eyes should not be open to her sin.   

Tandem solutus.  
ASk swaggering Sulmo why no debts he'll pay,  
His answer is, Things must be as they may:  
Let Bills or Noverints sink (saith he) or swim,  
H'ell not his Laundress pay: But she paid him.   

Infirmis animosus.  
Pontus' by no means from his coin departs,  
Zfut will ye have of men more than their hearts?   

Vxor superior.  
When Nau finds Nicholas drunk she strait cornutes him,  
Nor from her scolding in an hour can cease:  
But if Nick call her Punk her words confutes him,  
So that the Cockscomb's forced to hold his peace.   

Antonius Philosophus.  
OLd Clerco sues for pension of the State,  
For it he pleads the wit he sometime had,  
Who though he have a flawed riven pate,  
Yet will not I (as others) call him mad,  
Nor pull his beard, nor use him like a sot,  
This is the only cause he loves me not.   

Longius pro lucro.  
Go follow Lucius a far off thy Lord,  
What though thy place be not to speak a word  
Yet for a silent Pander proud mayst be,  
His Lordship deigns to make that use of thee.   

Equus peritior.  
GIll by his Gelding drowning 'scaped perforce,  
Who reason had to say, Gramercy horse.   

Primus vel proximus.  
DIck's not in town when's wife is brought in bed  
But might no doubt be when she first was sped   

Vsus natura.  
TRistram Tobacco takes in's bed till noon,  
Then rising dines, drinks drunk, & falls to dice,  
Swears he'll not budge till all be lost or won:  
Sees next a Play, or Kate his Cockatrice:  
Sups at some Bawdy house, and Panders meets,  
That picks his pockets, as he's homewards led:  
Calls then a thousand rogues: reels through the streets,  
Drinks more Tobacco, spews, and goes to bed.   

Dives-scurra.  
DRu dares good men deprave because he's rich,  
Whether more fool or knave I know not with.   

Sat fuisse.  
Though Steel for strength hath long since spent his prime  
Yet was a man of mettle in his time.   

Mutatus, alius.  
YOung Signior Spruso scorning late converse  
With men of vulgar trade, or mean commerce,  
Scorning to lodge but on a bed of Down,  
Scorning your Inns of common country town,  
Scorning but on best delicates to feed,  
Yea scorning almost, any thing indeed:  
Now poor and prostitute, you may believe him,  
In Wood-street Compter, scorns no alms you'll give him   

eden's vomens.  
CAcus that sups so duly at the Rose,  
Casts up the reckoning truly ere he goes.   

Citius soluendum.  
TRocus his Tenants will no more pay rend,  
Till for their Wives he first give them content:  
It's reason Trocus without coin disbursing,  
Get them with child and ne'er allow for nursing?   

Suumcuique.  
HAng't tell not me quoth Pontus what I owe,  
Nor what I spend, nor what I mean to pay,  
So little cares he what the vulgar know,  
Or can reveal: Things must be as they may,  
Let slanes infer the worst they can upon't,  
His Dol's his Dol and there's the humour on't.   

Infirmis experientia.  
OLd Strato stands upon his tackling stout,  
He can as well as erst he could hold out:  
To whom quoth joan his wife, men laugh that win,  
'tis known you cannot half so well hold in.   

Magnus statura.  
LVscus for largeness of his limbs and bone,  
At grass time next grows up to twenty one,   

In Zoylum.  
ZOylus, I hear you take my Rhymes in snuff,  
Cry fie, 'tis Ribaldry, or some such stuff:  
But Zoylus know, I scorn to deal with you.  
He writes foul stuff, that treats of your base crew.   

Cupiens culpare, nescit.  
DOrus disdains these Epigrams I make,  
Saying they savour not of aught that's in them:  
Nay, which is more than that, he'll undertake  
They are but stinking-stuffe ere you begin them:  
And yet before (quoth he) they savoured not:  
See how the buzzard talks he knows not what.   

Vera filia Patris.  
WHy strives young Galatea for the wall?  
If needs you'll know the cause (qd. one) you shall:  
Her Father was a Mason, and they say  
It makes her Ladyship lean much that way.   

Sero sapimus.  
LVke that on Latin lately scorned to look,  
Would now read English might he have his book   

jactans pediculosus.  
MAtho from Sea hath such a purchase brought,  
As is not frequent, or of each man bought.  
Which to divulgate Matho proves not nice.  
Nothing else (damn him) but outlandish lice.   

Adnioniti foeliciores.  
MAtura weary of the Country life,  
complains her husband ne'er to London brought her▪  
That hath this twelve month proved his honest wife  
And not consented scarce to one that fought her.  
But bids him roundly herewith look unto't  
Be he a Tinker, next that comes shall do't.   

Tonsores pauperiores.  
CVtbert admires how Lawyers get so much,  
And that his comings in should not be such,  
Who hath been known a poler and a shaver  
These forty years, yet ne'er could prove a saver.   

Ferendo feruens.  
Much moves not Malipiero, but let the quean be moved  
he'll find she's hot that hath her next approved.   

Fatales Poetae.  
Witch's & Poet's coimbrace like fate  
Reputed base, bare, poor, unfortunate,  
In these respects I may myself intrude,  
Among the Poet's thickest multitude.   

Materia pro forma.  
LVcina hath a love whose name is Goose,  
A proper lad, well borne, and wondrous spruce,  
She likes the man, but cannot brook his name.  
If that be all (sweet Lucr) you are to blame,  
The man you may commit into your hands,  
For why the Babes he gets may prove all swans.   

Admonita peior.  
PRiss dares thus plainly to the world appeal,  
Since women that deal plain are balladizd,  
she'll with the world no longer plainly deal,  
Or 'mongst plain dealing people be comprizd.   

Triamala.  
THe Whore, Tobacco and strong waters meet,  
Like three grand Plagues almost in every street.   

Vsus promptos facit.  
Raechel at first would rail upon her man,  
That scarce at first could bear himself before her:  
Nor almost which way look or hold her Fan,  
But now (thanks Fortune) finely can come o'er her.   

Secreta nobis.  
TAssus from Temple-Stayres by water goes  
To Westminster, and back to Temple rows:  
Belike he loves not troth too much the street,  
Or surbait on the stones his tender feet:  
Tut come, there's something in't must not be known  
But Sir, believe't, The debt is not his own.   

Plus Canis ictus amat.  
CReta that closely could her secrets cover,  
Feigned to be jealous of her loathed Spouse;  
Which he believed (God wot) & more did love her  
Presuming, London not her like allows.  
Well, go thy ways (thought I) hold on thy trade,  
Thart even the truest he whom God ne'er made.   

Laudes cum labe.  
CAius commends his Mistress many ways,  
To be the mirror of admired praise:  
Were't not for two foul reasons that ensue,  
she's sometimes drunk, and plays the W.   

Nequicquam verba.  
WIll woos his wench with words of Eloquence,  
Praying he might her corpse enthalamize:  
And of his love impart that influence,  
Which with her liking best may sympathize.  
She, who regardless at his speech doth spurn,  
Saith; 'tis not words of Art must serve her turn.   

Tandem possimus.  
Zanthus' was zealous bend, but could not please  
His Lady Mistress, he so long had served:  
Nor by his best attendance once, but ease  
Or stay his stomach, if he should have starved.  
Till forced with Famine, found her in that snare,  
Which since to silence Xanthus takes his share.   

Vivit et edat.  
WHen Gluto goes to dine at th'ordinary,  
To stay his stomach eats a crust & drinks:  
Then calls for victuals, swears he cannot tarry,  
Which till it comes, a month each minute thinks:  
Then sits him down, and takes the highest place,  
Puts salt on's Trencher, cuts a loaf in twain,  
And ne'er remembers aught of saying Grace,  
The sight of meat so captivates his brain:  
Whereto he lurching, so about him lays,  
As must suffice him for at least two days.   

Patientia Vindicta.  
CVcullus evermore will carry sway  
Over his wife in stranger's company:  
And on her lips his loathed fingers lay,  
Which patient she puts up in policy:  
But with herself resolved in secret vows,  
To pay him next day sound on the brows.   

Caelat sua crimina Sanctis.  
CVrta hath now no colour or invasion,  
To meet or frolic as time late permitted,  
Because her husband bars up all occasion,  
That for such pleasures and advantage fitted:  
Keeps her from going to her child at nurse,  
Denies access unto her Garden-house:  
For which she gives him many a bitter curse,  
And swears, she not esteems his threats a Louse.  
The best escape her cunning can devose,  
Is once a week to Blackfriars exercise.   

Curanda praesentia.  
LEttice that late was so resolved to marry,  
On more advice will now this twelve month tarry  
How should she sooner else indeed dispose  
Of the young Bastard where withal she goes.   

Mutuans Meretrix.  
WHen Dol wants money she desires to borrow  
No more than (damn her) she'll repay tomorrow   

Citius matura.  
MAdge at fifteen a maid? should men abhor her  
she vows & swears it, 'twere but fitting for her   

Perditum tempus.  
VIncent hath wrung the wool of his invention,  
And cannot find least liquid substance left,  
That to succeeding hopes makes further mention,  
So barren are his brains of sense bereft:  
And which is worse, 'twas to have paid the score  
For meat and drink he to so many owes,  
That henceforth vows to credit him no more:  
Then how to shift full little Vincent knows:  
But must despairing, rail upon the Muses,  
That of his time hath made no better uses.   

Vxor fortier.  
WIll by the wars would seem a dominierer,  
But An his wife hath been the Ancient-bearer   

Merxconcelata.  
COdrus at Christmas casts up his accounts,  
What he hath clearly got the year before,  
But never notes what's wife's receipts amounts,  
Which valued would arise to ten times more.  
Indeed his wares in open shop were sold,  
Whiles she scarce hers in private durst unfold.   

HOw much might men commend the worth of those,  
That well could pen their Epigrams in prose,  
For many Rhymes rove oft so far from reason,  
As but of times consisting are, not season.   

Ad Momum.  
Mayst thou ne'er read my lines, or hear them read,  
Or see them (Momus) for I wish thee dead.   

Coacta ferenda.  
THese Rhymes you see, unknown, composed, concealled,  
Had ne'er by me been shown, disclosed, revealed,  
Much less at latter Lammas passed in print,  
Had not some secret reason since been in't:  
Which volens nolens caused me afterwards  
Shuffle again, and deal about the Cards.    

EPITAPHS.  

On M. Thomas Fitton, and his wife Winifred.  
ON fat Tom Fitton, and his lean wife Winifrid,  
May thus be written, Here lies thick and thin.   

On a fair young Maid.  
BEhold here Time inters, who would not spare  
those cornly corpse of hers, which worms must share   

On Edward Alcocke.  
'Cause of the dead nought must be said but good  
'tis well for Ned that nought be understood.   

On john Garret.  
Go is john Garret, who to all men's thinking,  
For love to claret, killed himself with drinking.   

On Mistress Bonner.  
WHiles Mrs. Bonner, dressing was her head,  
Death stole upon her, & so struck her dead.   

On Thom. Cromwell.  
HEre lies Tom. Cromwell, did much money spend  
Loving a Bom well to his latest end.   

On Gregory the Drawer.  
GReg. laid in's grave, who can but deep deplore it  
That so much liquor gave, & scorned to score it   

On Kate Hill.  
HEre lies a Maid whom men called Katherine Hil  
That true was said, died much against her wil   

On a poor Fiddler.  
DEad was that Fidler found the fifth of june,  
whose then sweet musics found went out of tune.   

On a rich Tanner.  
HEre buried now you see our brother Tanner,  
Whose skin must curried be in other manner.   

On a Gardner.  
THose fragrant Roses on thy coffin spread,  
Thy corpse encloses with thee (living) dead.   

On a Gallant.  
WHo cloth of Tissue wore, here flat doth lie,  
Having no Issue, more than that in's thigh.   

On a Cobbler.  
SEe how pale death, which no man may withstand,  
Hath stopped his breath was on the mending hand.   

On a joiner.  
LO here from strife rests honest john our joiner,  
Who all his life was never known purloener.   

On a Player.  
HE that on stages ofttimes jesting played,  
To after ages hath now earnest paid,   

On a proud rich man.  
HE that so proud late lived, and spared no cost  
In lockram shroud lies buried in the frost.   

On a Traveller.  
WHo travelled oft from country's east and west,  
Still gaining nought, now rich at length doth rest.   

On john West.  
HEre lies john West, who wearied with a wife,  
For quiet rest, desired to end his life.   

On George Rust.  
RVst laid in dust, see how his son is raised,  
That lived on trust till now, the Lord be praised.   

On old Ralph.  
OLd Ralph bereft of this life transitory,  
The world hath left, which made him wondrous sorry.   

On a Porter.  
THou from a Porter's trade (bearing) we see,  
Hast other Porters made by bearing thee.   

On a Waterman.  
HEre sleeps Will Slater, who by death's command,  
Hath left the water, to possess the land.   

On a great personage.  
LO here's his greatness laid, which whiles it stood  
Was seldom seen or said did any good.   

On a Tailor.  
Cruel was Atropos to cut his threads,  
Made garments fit for those, now turned to shreds.   

On Dol Prowt.  
HEre lies Dol Prowt, whose days (left death should wrong her,)  
Were so worn out, as she could live no longer.   

On Stephen Spooner.  
DEath hath time borrowed of our neighbour Spooner,  
Whose wife much sorrowed that he died no sooner.   

On john Long.  
HEre sleeps I. Long, who lived till New-year's tide  
Full fourscore strong, but then fell sick & died.   

On a Bellowes maker.  
WHo so much breath to others daily sold,  
For want of breath, no longer life can hold.   

On a Welshman.  
WHo living lest espied his life should lose,  
By mere Mathegglin died and toasted cheese   

On a Tobacconist.  
WHo much Tobacco puffed more than his part,  
With smoke his lungs had stuffed, but had no heart.   

On old john a Tree.  
LEt all men passing by behold and see,  
Here low doth buried lie, old john a Tree.   

On a mad man.  
HE now in sadness laid is in his grave,  
That late with madness did so rail and rave.   

On a juggler.  
HE that so skilful could play fast and loose,  
Killed himself wilful, eating so much Goose.   

On Malipiero Keeme.  
DEath it should seem with doom too much oredeeming,  
Hath ta'en Malipiero Keeme before her time of teeming.   

On Mistress Bab.  
DEath played the Scab, that had so soon enthralled  
Fine mistress Bab, not knocking ere it called.   

On a Sluggard.  
SOmnus that slept his fill in time of need,  
Prays you accept the will as for the deed.   

In Samuelem.  
Same of a surfeit died: thought rich to be,  
But how you'd prove that tried, pray ask not me   

On john Cooling, a Player.  
DEath hath too soon removed from us Io. Cooling  
That was so well beloved, and lived by fooling.   

In Thomam Speed.  
MAd wenches bewail you, for dead is Tom Speed  
Was ne'er wont to fail you at all times of need.   

In Walterum Moon.  
HEre lies Wat Moon, that great Tobacconist,  
Who died too soon for lack of Had I wist.   

In Mechum Io. Cartir.  
DEath meant to play the Box on thee john Cartir  
That from a sturdy Ox hath made a martyr.   

In Lodovicum.  
SIr Lewes that went from London to lead a country life,  
Hath made himself quite undone by burying of his wife   

In Radulphum.  
RAlph bids adieu to pleasures good or ill,  
But tells you true 'tis much against his will.   

In Dorotheam Rich.  
HEre resteth young Dol Rich, that dainty drab,  
Who troubled long with itch, died of the scab   

On john Batts the Brewer.  
BOld spiteful fates that in the pit durst tumble  
Courteous john Batts, that brewed good Ale of Bumble.   

On Christopher Fowler.  
LEt all say what they can, 'tis known Kit Fowler  
Was held an honest man, though no good bowler   

On john Frend.  
HOw ere by luck o'erthrown, 'tis like jack Friend  
Was no man's foe but's own, and there's an end.   

In meipsum.  
GOod neighbours if ye mark, my turn comes next on,  
Who living long a Clerk, must dye a Sexton.   

In Latronem.  
HE that so stout was known made others stand  
Himself hath quite o'erthrown without command.   

In Io. Owin.  
WIth fame more famous shall thy fame ne'er dead,  
Cause thee outlasting live eternised.   

In eundem.  
THose shortest sharpest lines best wit could mention,  
Were short compared to thy more sharp invention.   

In eundem.  
WEll had these words been added to thy Hearse,  
What ere thou spak'st (like Ovid) was a verse   

In D. Wake durum opulentum.  
WAke with long watching is at length laid sleeping,  
For loss of whom there needs but little weeping,  
That ne'er was loved or known for good house keeping.   

On a young man newly married.  
THe world and thou art quickly gone about,  
That but new entering in art entered out.   

On a late made Lady.  
ILL luck to live no longer Ladified,  
Who that day twelvemonth wedded, that day died   

On a Merchant.  
WHo from accounts & reckon near could rest  
At length hath summed up his Quietus est.   

On a Lawyer.  
HEre lies a Lawyer freed from strifes and jars  
Of Kings-bench, Chancery, or Exchequer bars.   

On a Potter.  
HE that on clay his chiefest trust reposed,  
Is now in clay, in stead of dust enclosed.   

On a Captain.  
WHo late in wars did dread no foes in field,  
Now free of scars, his life in peace doth yield.   

On Sir Patrick an Irishman.  
DEath on Sir Patrick played an Irish part,  
That at's own weapon stabbed him to the hart▪   

On a rich feeder.  
SIrogites merito cuinam laus propria detur,  
Here lies the man was late a Capon-eater.   

On a rich Baker.  
Our Baker's dead, and laid in earth,  
Who lived by Bread in time of dearth.   

On an Usurer▪  
THat all those goods and riches scraped together  
Should with himself depart, & knows not whither.   

On a Wrestler.  
DEath to this wrestler gives a cunning fall,  
That tripped his heels, and takes no hold at all.   

On Dick Hawks.  
DIck seemed of death so wondrous discontented,  
As more of breath then any thing repent.   

On a Tinker.  
WHo (living) many a hole had tinkling stopped,  
Now (dead) into a hole is stinking popped.   

On a Miller.  
DEath without warning waxed as bold as brief,  
Killed two in one, a Miller and a Thief.   

On a Butler.  
Ungentle Death with spiteful spade to dig it  
For Dick, so quick and nimble at the spiggit.   

On a Cook.  
DEath through the pastry peeping in disguise,  
Took poor Tom Cook from making of his pies.   

On a Cutpurse.  
DEath hath that cutpurse seized on at All-hallows  
Who by good hap hath so escaped the Gallows.   

On a Scrivener.  
MAy all men by these presents testify,  
A lurching Scrivener here fast bound doth lie   

On a Sailor drowned.  
THou that on Haddocks many one haste fed,  
May Haddocks feed upon thee now thouart dead   

On a Poet.  
HEre lies that Poet, buried in the night,  
Whose purse, men know it, was exceeding light    

VT tibi lecta placent, mea sic mihi scripta placebunt:  
Indicio servit gratia nostra tuo.  
Abjicis ista ferus? moritur mea Musa dolendo:  
Accipis ista libens? Illa quod optat habet.  
FINIS.