PASQVILS JESTS, Mixed with Mother Bunches Merriments.  
Whereunto is added a Baker's dozen of Gulls.  
Very pretty and pleasant, to drive away the tediousness of a Winter's EVENING.  
Newly Corrected with new Additions.  
LONDON Printed for john Browne, and are to be sold at his Shop in Saint Dunston's Churchyard, in Fleetstreet. 1609.   

PASQVILS JESTS, And Mother BUNCHES Merriments.  

A merry jest, of a Blind man and a Cripple.  
THere were two Beggars (I mean not of the Court, but meaner creatures of the City) that had no means to keep life and limbs together, but by the charitable alms of exorable people, the one being youthful and blind, the other very aged and lame, (and such persons are seldom admitted into the great chamber much less into the King's presence.) This blindman always when he went abroad, carried the cripple on his shoulders to direct him, so likewise the cripple oppressed with his infirmities, could not travel without supportance. Now it was the lame man's luck one day about one of the clock after dinner, being borne by his blind fellow through Fleetstreet, to cast his eye on a great Oyster, which lay on the ground near the Mitre door. where some Oyster seller sitting (as their custom is) belike had let it fall from her basket: and thereupon he directed his fellow porter to stoop and take it up, which done they fell into controversy about it, the one saying he deserved it best, because he saw it and guided the others hand to it; the other answered, that he had most right to it, because he brought him thither & took the pains to take it up: and while they were thus wrangling, a poor Lawyer coming out of Ram alley with his sea-coal beard embroidered with grease like the snout of a Mastiff, new lifted out of the porridge pot, and understanding the cause of their falling out; my honest friends (quoth my Lawyer) pray let me see your Oyster, and you shall see me quickly end this variance, the blind man delivered the shellfish unto the Lawyer, who having fingered it, forthwith drew forth his rusty whittle, laid the Seabred animal upon his knee, and dividing his house into two parts, gave the one to the blind, the other to the lame, and devoured the inhabitant himself: the old cripple seeing that, cried out, now the Devil go with it, and the Lawyer removed himself into the Tavern from his eye and clamours. Whereupon the blind lame bearer being advertised of the jest, wished it might poison or choke him. and so departed, 
So Lawyers often get their gold with curses,  
and to their Clients share, leaves empty purses.    

A tale of a Scrivener of London and a Countryman.  
IT fell out upon a Saturday, being market day, that a Country fellow, of the better sort of husbandry, came to London, to lay out a little money upon some necessary trinkets: and having dispatched his business, after he had prettily refreshed his spirits with a pot of the best that the Alehouse could afford him, made homewards very merrily; but by the way, casting his eye, by chance, upon a kind of writer, that would have kept a scriveners shop, and seeing the master of the poor house, or the poor master of the house, sitting alone in a rug gown, wrapping in his arms, to avoid the bitterness of the weather, minding to make himself a little sport, fell thus to salute the poor Penman: I pray you master, what might you sell in your shop, that you have so many ding-dongs hang at your door? Why, my friend, quoth the Obligation-maker, I sell nothing but Loggerheads. By my faith, master, quoth the Country man, you have made a fair market with them, for you have left but one in your shop, that I see: and so laughing, went his way, leaving much good sport to them that heard him.   

A pretty Tale of a poor man and a Lawyer.  
A Poor man having been much injured by an unkind neighbour, who by the power of his purse would have put him by the right of his land, went to a Lawyer dwelling not far off, to whom having delivered his grief, he gave little for his Counsel, but a great many thanks, and country courtesies, with God save his life, and so forth: entreating him to let him know, when he should again wait upon him for his further advise. Who answered him somewhat short, When you will neighbour, when you will. The poor man, upon this when you will, came oftentimes afterward to him, but found no will in him to speak with him, Whereupon the poor man telling his wife of his ill hap, was advised by her to take one of his best lambs, and present it unto him, and then he should see what would follow: her counsel he followed, took his lamb, and went to the Lawyer: to whose gate he was no sooner come, but the Lawyer hearing the bleating of the lamb, opening his window, called him up, and within two words told him he understood his case, and all should be well: wherewith he departed, meeting with his wife going to the market. After they had been at the Alehouse, and taken a pot or two, the poor man got him up into the market place: and there having his throat well cleared made this mad outcry: All ye that have any matters to try in law, get ye every one a fat lamb, and carry to your Lawyer: for one word of a lambs mouth will be better understood of the Lawyer, and do more good, than twenty of your own. Probatum.   

Of a Citizen of London, that ●id out of the 〈◊〉 five miles.  
A Citizen riding to Edmonton, had his man following him on foot, who came so near, that the horse slrake him a great blow on the thigh. The fellow thinking to be revenged, took up a great stone to throw at the horse, and hit his master on the reins of the back. Within a while his master looked back, and seeing his man come halting so far behind, chid him. Sir, your horse hath given me such a blow, quoth his man on the thigh, that I can go no faster. Truly said his master, the horse is a great kicker, for likewise with his heel right now, he gave me a great stroke on the reins of my back: when it was his man that threw the stone.   

A pretty tale of a complainant, that cried to a judge for justice, yet refused it when it was offered him.  
ONe Dromo a certain Tiler, sitting upon the ridge of a house, laying on certain roof tiles, looking back, and reaching somewhat too far for a little mortar, that lay by him, fell backward, and by good hap fell upon a man, that was sitting under the house, whom with his fall he bruised to death, but thereby saved his own life. Not many days after, a son of the dead man's, caused this man to be apprehended for murder, and having him before the judge, cried unto him for justice: who ask of the prisoner, what he could say for himself, received this answer, Truly Sir, I never thought the man any hurt, neither did I think to fall: but since it was my hap to hit upon him to save my life, if it please your Lordship, I am contented that he shall have justice: for myself, I had no malice to his father, though I see he hath a great deal to me: let him do his worst, I care not, I ask no favour: let him go up to the top of the house, where I sat, and I will sit where his Father sat, let him fall from the place as cunningly as he can, and fall upon me to save his life, I will be contented. The judge seeing the man's Innocency, in intent of any evil to the man, whom he had slain, willed the complainant to take this course for his contentment: which he refusing, was dismissed the Court, and the Prisoner thus by his wit released.   

How a Merchant lost his purse between Waltam and London.  
A Merchant that traveled between Ware and London, lost his budget, wherein was a hundred pound, who caused to proclaim in all villages and market towns, that who so had found the same, and would restore it again, should have twenty pounds for his pains. An honest husbandman that chanced to find it, brought it to the Bailiff of Ware, and required his twenty pounds for his pains, when he delivered it. When the covetous Merchant understood this, and that he must needs pay twenty pound for the finding of it, he said, there was an hundred and twenty pound in the Budget, and so would have had his own money, and twenty pound over. So long they strove, that the matter was brought before a justice. When the justice understood by the Bailiff, that the cry was made for a Budget with an hundred pound in it, he demanded where it was? Here (quoth the Bailiff) and gave it him. Is it just an hundred pound (quoth the justice?) Yes (quoth the Bailiff.) Hold (quoth the justice) to him that found the budget, take thou this money to thy use, and if thou happen to find a budget with a hundred and twenty pound, bring it to this honest Merchant man. It is mine, I lost no more but a hundredth pound (quoth the Marchant.) You speak now too late (quoth the justice) for your covetousness hath beguiled yourself.   

A jest, saving your reverence, worth the laughing at.  
IN a City, I find not where, met a company, I know not who, and about I know not what, but after that they had laid their heads together, to conclude upon a thing of nothing, as the use is of such kind of people, fearing to surfeit of fasting, they got them to dinner, where, when their bellies were full of Wine, their brains set their tongues to work about wonders: and having made a great noise to little purpose, they fell to questioning among themselves, what was the rarest thing in the world. One, he said the Phoenix, because there was but one, and she killed herself, and lived again of her own ashes. Another said, A Diamond, because it would write in glass. Another said, A Parrot, because it would speak like a man. Another said▪ A true friend, the world was so full of falsehood. Another said, Gold, for that it wrought wonders in the world. And another said, Love, because it rob wise men of their wits. But while they did thus differ in their opinions, one plain ass-headed fool, being willing to say his mind, upon a sudden falling into a laughing, told them they were all wide: for he knew a rarer thing than all they: which they desiring to know, he told them it was a swéetarse hole. Whereat every one holding themselves by the nose, left off their talk, and laughing at the fool, rose from the table.   

A Parson being summoned to appear personally at London to answer unto divers faults by him Committed.  
A Parson of Bedfordshyre being summoned to appear personally in the Spiritual Court at London, because contrary to the exhortation of Saint Paul, he had committed fornication, or in plain English had gotten a wench with child: for fornication is derived of the Latin word Fornicatio, and Latin he was little acquainted with: as many are of his function in Country Villages, where the Shepherd must pipe a plain song, or the Sheepish flock can never dance to it, being better Lanists than Latinists. This illiterate parson being Cited (I say) to show his proper person in this court of carnality obeyed the officers Citation, and considering with himself that he should use and expend good store of money in bribes, I would say, necessary fees: when this day of doom drew near, he took the sum of twenty pound of lawful English money (as the scriveners phrase is) out of his yron-garded chest, and caused it to be sowd up in a Goose's belly in stead of her entrails, of which with her head wings and feathers she was lately deprived, and so sent it sowed fast in an old Napkin full of holes to the Carrier, that he seeing the coat might not suspect the lining, and gave his man this lesson also, that he should give the Carrier, great charge of it, and inform him that it was only a Goose with the appurtenance, hoping by that fabulous information, to be merry with his Goose at London, paying only for the Carriage of that Goose, and so receive his twenty pound scotfree. Now, his man went and carried the Goose to the carrier with speech agreeable to his master's direction, the Carrier took it, and perceiving by the ponderousness or strange weight, that there was more than a bare Goose in the cloth; concealed his suspicion, promising that it should be safely conveyed. And thereupon the servant returned to his master. To be short the Parson with his man within a few days after being come to London, he sent his man to fetch this counterfeit commodity, his man went and demanded it of the Carrier offering a groat for the carriage. The Carrier holding it a presumptuous part to rip open the cloth and take a large view of the contents, told the fellow, that one of the King's Takers met him on the way, and took it away with many other things of other men's. The Parson's messenger being loaden with this coined answer ran back and made his master a partaker of it, his master being almost astonished at so cold and unexpected a message, yet stirred up with furious wrath, and fear of such a loss, started from his chair where he sat, meditating upon his transgression, and throwing his cloak nastely upon his shoulders (the wrong side outward) ran out of doors like an Ox that had broke loose from the Axe of the Butcher, and never discontinued his course till he came to the Inn where encountering the Carrier he demanded his goose, offering a groat for the carriage, alas Sir (quoth the Carrier) the goose (saving your worship) was as I told your man, taken from me by the King's taker. By the King's taker? (quoth the Parson) the King's taker & thou his partaker I believe, have done more than is answerable, there was twenty pounds of good new coined silver, in the birds belly, and though he seized on the one, he had no commission to meddle with the other; 'tis plain robbery to take money from a man by the King's highway, run fellow (quoth he to his man) fetch me the Constable; I'll indite the taker, and have the Carrier before a justice in the mean time, to be forth coming against him. The Carrier hearing his threats and thundering words, stepped into his warehouse and bringing forth the Goose (quoth he) to the passionate Parson. Sir, behold here is your Goose which I thus long detained, that you might not make me your Goose, and now be it known unto your worship, that I must and will have a groat in the pound for the carriage of your money, with a groat for the Goose, and then you may take it to yourself. So to end this difference, the Parson glad and mad to hear and see this event, glad that his money was so near his fingering, and mad that the Carrier had so deceived and overreached his intent, nevertheless seeing he had no means to save a little money without the loss of much more; with a resolute heigh-ho he told out seven shillings to the Carrier, and upon payment thereof receiving the Goose he cut it up, as the Hangman did Hacket, just in the belly, & drawing forth the silver garbage, he fell with his man to numeration, vowing that if he found a round cros●e imbeslled, the Carrier should answer his knavery dearly, but the Dice running even, he put up the money into his flesh bag again, and left the Carrier with many others laughing at his hard fortune.   

Of one excusing a backe-wind.  
A Sturdy Sailor being in cheapside amongst the throng of people, when the Lord Mayor etc. came from Westminster, was thrust and crowded so hard, that with overlabouring to get out into an easier place, he let out a great Fart. A poor Citizen standing near reproved him for it, to which he replied, fore god honest man my arse hath had a great desire of late to speak, he wants nothing but thy tongue.   

How cunningly a knave devised to get money by his wit, for himself and his three companions.  
Three loitering companions that fell in company together, dominéerd so long, that all their money was consumed and gone. So being penniless, said one of them, By my faith, we are now in a fair taking: for we may, if we will, seek our dinner with Duke Humphrey. Nay, Zounds (quoth the second) If I come where any press of people he, I can get money enough for us all. 'Sblood, and I (quoth the third) can lightly assemble people. They were at that time not passing two miles from a small town in Berkshire, where, when they came, there was a new Pillory set up, where the third of them steps to the Bailiff, and desires him to have the Maidenhead of their new Pillory. The Bailiff being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing musing▪ at last he asked counsel of his neighbours, and they bade him set up the knave and spare not. So up he went, and when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two fellows busy in the holes of the Butcher's aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth he) apace. The people laughed heartily to see him stand there. At last, when he saw that his fellows had sped their matters, and were going away, he said to the Bailiff, Turn the Pillory about, and now I will come down. So laughing heartily did. And when he was come downe, the Bailiff said, Now by my faith thou art a good fellow, and because thou hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Tester to drink: and so thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron, he found there never a penny. Cock's arms (quoth the Bailiff) my money is picked out of my apron: and then the rest of the Butchers beside swore they had lost theirs also. I hope (quoth the fellow) you do not think that I have it. No, by my troth (quoth the Bailiff) I know well enough thou hast it not: for thou wert on the pillory all the while▪ Why, then no harm, no force (quoth the fellow) and so went his ways.   

How one at Kingston feigned himself dead, to try what his wife would do.  
IN Kingston dwelled one Rawlins, newly married, which to prove what his wife would do, feigned himself dead, while she was in the backside, washing of her clothes, and laid himself all along the flower. Whereupon his wife coming suddenly in, thought that he had been dead indeed: but having laboured hard all the day, and being sore an hungered, she stood musing with herself, weather it were best to lament his death, or to dine first: which motion of eating liked her best: whereupon she cut two or three collops of salt Bacon, and broiled them on the coals, and eat them up: and being very hungry she forgot to drink, but the saltness of the meat at last made her throat so harsh, that she took a pot and went to draw some drink: but one of her neighbours coming suddenly in, made her set down her pot, and as if her husband had but new fallen down, she began to lament so heavily, & with such a noise, that all the neighbours came running in, where they found her most pitifully bewailing the sudden death of her husband. Whereupon they began to comfort her, and told her she must be content, for there was now no remedy. Alas said she, Oh my sweet husband what shall I do? At which words, her husband lift up his head, and said, Full ill, my sweet wife, except you go quickly and drink: for the salt bacon I am sure hath almost choked you.   

A knavish answer of an unhappy country wench to a foolish young fellow.  
A Certain Idle headed young man, that loved to hear himself speak, though it were of matter to little purpose, riding upon a fair day to a market town, over took by chance, among other creatures of her own kind, an indifferent well favoured and well grown country wench, whom singling by herself as much as he could, he fell to commune with, in an odd manner of love making, when beginning very low, marking her new shod feet, hanging over her dossers, began with this commendation: Truly sister, you have a very fine foot there. Yea sir (quoth the wench) that I have a couple. The young man thinking to show some little wit, in a scoff replied with this speech. But are they twins, sister? were they both borne at one time? No indeed sir (quoth the wench) there hath been a man borne betwixt them. Wherewith her neighbours that rod by her, falling into a laughing, made him find, that she was a married wife: which being contrary to his expectation, being much troubled with her answer, with lack of wit to reply, galloped away with a flea in his ear.   

A flouting answer to a flouting question.  
A Poor man, upon a time coming into a market with a very lean horse, setting him near unto a company of fat and fair Geldings to be sold, was asked of a scoffing companion, how he sold his horse by the ell? Which the poor man taking something discontentedly and yet not willing to quarrel with him, made him an answer fit for his question: when holding up his horse's tail, I pray you sir (quoth he?) come into the shop, and you shall see.   

A warning for taletellers.  
I Read in the records of a certain school, where faults were reckoned up all the week, to be paid upon the Saturday, that an unhappy boy, willing to have one of his fellows taste of such school-butter, as he had often broke his fast with, one morning came to his master with this speech. Truly sir you have often beaten me for looking off from my book, and such a one scapeth without rebuke. Yea (quoth he) call him to me. Who no sooner came to him, but heard him his lesson. Which perfectly repeated, how now Sirrah (quoth he) to his accuser? how like you this gear? How did he look from his book, and say his lesson so well? Let me hear you: who was imperfect in many points. Well Sir (quoth he) how do you know that your fellow did not look upon his book? Marry Sir (quoth he) I did watch him all the while. Then Sir (quoth his fellow) I beseech you ask him, who looked on his book while he watched me. Whereat his master smiling, took the accuser, and openly in the School whipped him well, first for his lesson, and after for his accusation.   

Of a worshipful Gentleman in Lincolnshire, and his man,  
A Certain Gentleman in Lincolnshire, being also a justice of Peace, had an old servant many years, called, Adam Milford, who upon a time came unto his Master and desired him, in regard he had been his servant so many years, he would now give him something to help him in his old age. Thou sayst true (quoth his Master) and I will tell thee what I will do: Now shortly I am to ride up to London, if thou wilt pay my cost and charges by the way, I will give thee shortly such a thing, as shall be worth to thee an hundred pound. I am content (quoth Adam) and so paid for all the reckoning by the way. So being come to London, he put his Master in mind of his former promise that he had made to him. What, did I promise thee any thing? I (quoth Adam) that you did: for you said, you would give me that that should be worth to me a hundred pound, for paying your charges to London. Let me see your writing (quoth his Master.) I have none (quoth Adam.) Then thou art like to have nothing (quoth his Master:) And learn this of me, That when thou makest a bargain with any man, look thou take a writing, and beware how thou makest a writing to any man. This hath availed me an hundred pounds in my days. When Adam saw there was no remedy, he was content: but when they should depart, Adam stayed behind his master, to reckon with his Host; and on his Master's Scarlet cloak borrowed so much money, as came to all their charges, that he had laid out by the way. His Master had not ridden past two miles, but it began to rain apace: wherefore he called for his cloak. His other men made answer, that Adam was behind, and had it with him. So they shrouded them under a tree, till Adam came. When he came, his master said all angrily, thou knave, come give me my cloak: hast thou not served me well, to let me be thus wet? Truly sir (quoth Adam) I have laid it to pawn for all your charges by the way. Why knave, quoth he didst thou not promise to bear my charges to London? Did I quoth Adam? ay, quoth his Master, that thou didst. Let's see, show me your writing of it, quoth Adam. Whereupon his Master perceiving he was over reached by his man, was fain to send for his cloak again, and pay the money.   

How mad Coomes, when his wife was drowned: sought her against the stream.  
COomes of Stapforth, hearing that his wife was drowned, coming from Market, went with certain of his friends to see if they could find her in the river: he contrary to all the rest, sought his wife against the stream: which they perceiving, said, He looked the wrong way. And why so (quoth he?) Because (quoth they) you should look down the stream, and not against it. Nay Zounds (quoth he) I shall never find her that way: for she did all things so contrary in her life time, that now she is dead, I am sure she will go against the stream.   

Of the Farmer in Norfolk, and his Physician.  
A Certain rich Farmer having lain long sick in Norfolk, at last sent for a Physician from the next Market town: who when he came, he felt his pulses, and viewed his water, and then told them, that he could by no means nor Physic escape, the disease had so much power in his body, and so went his way. Within a while after by God's good help, who is the only giver of all health, the man escaped, and was well again, and walking abroad, being still very weak and feeble, he met with his Physician, who being very sore afraid to see him, asked him, if he were not such a Farmer? Yes truly (quoth he) I am. Art thou alive or dead (quoth he?) Dead (quoth he) I am: and because I have experience of many things, God hath sent me to take up all Physicians I can get: which made the Physician to look as pale as ashes, for fear. Nay, fear not (quoth the Farmer) though I named all Physicians, yet I meant thee for none: for I am sure, a verier Dunce lives not this day, than thou art: and then I should be a fool to take thee for one, that art not fit to come to any man, but to the dogs with thy physic: and so he left him: but the Physician never left quaking till he was out of the sight of him.   

How merry Andrew of Manchester served an usurer.  
MErry Andrew of Manchester, who is well known, meeting with three or four of his companions on a Sunday, presently he bade them home to dinner, yet he neither had meat nor money in his house. Well, but to his shifts he goeth, and went into an old usurers kitchen, where he was very familiar, & privily under his gown, he brought away the pot of meat, that was sodden for the old miser's dinner. When he came home, he put out the meat, and made his boy scour the pot, and sent him with it to the Usurer, to borrow two groats on it, and bade the boy take a bill of his hand: which the boy did, and with the money bought beer and bread for their dinner. When the Usurer should go to dinner, his meat was gone: wherefore he all to beat his maid, calling her whore. She said, there came no body but Andrew there all that day. Then they ashed him. And he said he had done. But at last they said, that he and no body else had the pot. By my faith (quoth Andrew) I borrowed such a pot on a time, but I sent it home again: and so called his witness, and said, it is perilous to deal with men now a days without writing: they would lay theft to my charge, if I had not his own hand to show: and so he showed the usurers bill: whereat the Usurer stormed, and all the rest fell a laughing.   

How he served another, that would have put him down in his merry sayings.  
ANdrew once was at Supper with his friends, and among the Company there was one that spited at his jests and merry conceits. After supper they fell to reasoning among themselves, which was the most reverent part of man's body. One said, the eye: another, the nose: a third said, the leg: but Andrew knowing that he that spited him, would name the contrary, said, the mouth was most reverent of all. Nay (quoth the other) the part that we fit on is the most reverent: and because they all marveled why he should say so, he made this reason: That he was most honourable, that was first set, and the part that he named, was first set. Which saying contented them all, and grieved Andrew. The next day they all met again, and Andrew coming last, found them sitting altogether. And when he had saluted them all, but his enemy, he turned his backside to him, and let a great fart in his face. At which the fellow being mighty angry, said, walk knave, with a mischief, where hast thou been brought up? Why disdainest thou, quoth Andrew? if I had saluted thee with my mouth, thou wouldst have saluted me again: and now when I salute thee with that part, that by thy own saying, is most honourable, thou callest me knave. Then the company fell a laughing at this jest heartily.   

The tale of the Black Moor.  
IN the year when fresh wits began to season themselves to abide weathers, it fell out, it is no matter where, that a certain young fellow, next neighbour to a fool, having more money in his purse, than he knew well how to use, and yet willing to adventure a little, to gain more, light into the acquaintance of a noble crafty companion, who finding his humour, was not to learn how to fit it: and nothing his foolish kind of fleering, when he came among the Feminine gender, and how far he would be in love with maid Marian, upon the first measure of a Morris dance, came one day to him very closely, and getting him to bear him company alone into the fields▪ there very soberly, in the way of much affection, (as he seemed to make show of) told him, that it grieved him to see so proper a man spend his time so, without a companion fit for his person, meaning a wife: which, if an Owl would not serve his turn, it had been pity any better creature should have been bestowed upon him. Yet forsooth, in great secret he told him, and looked about, as though some body had heard him that if he would be ruled by him, he would help him to such a wife, as all the world should not find a better for his purpose. For she should be fair, and wealthy, and wise, and what more, I know not: but she should be such a one, as he should have cause to give him thanks for. The young green Goose some what shamefast, and yet foolish enough to hearken to an idle tale, answered him, that though he was not determined to marry, yet if he liked her, and she him, he did not know what would come to pass: but he would bestow a quart of Wine to have a sight of her. Not to make a long tale of a little or nothing, without many hums or haes it was agreed betwixt them that a day should be set down when the meeting should be. The place was appointed, the parties were acquainted, the plot was laid, and the matter performed. But while the goose was gaping for one bait, he was catched with another. For the cunning rascal, intending to make himself merry with his money, told him he must be finely appareled, and bestow a Supper or two, in show of a brave mind: but when he had her once, then let him do as he list. The fool already in a net, began to tangle himself bravely, made himself new apparel according to the fashion, gave money to bestow upon a Supper or two: where met him a fine boy dressed woman like, to whom he made such love, that a dog would not abide to hear it. The counterfeit young Mistress, with kind words, and knavish wiles, finding the length of his foot, got many tokens of his love; as Gloves, Scarves, and such like, besides a Ring or two, and a bracelet: all which he did bestow, solovingly that he must needs be used like himself, and so he was: for nothing was refused that came so gently to pass. But after many kind meetings, in the end it was agreed betwixt them, that in a friend's house of his, the matter should be made up: which being little better than a bawdy house, it served the turn as well as could be. There they met, and being both agreed, upon assurance of each other love to bed they should go that night, and be married shortly after, well, that night there lacked no good cheer, nor Wine to make the heart merry: which being taken in full cups, wrought the matter as they would have it: for after they had well supped, and sat a while by a good fire, the good Ass fell a sleep: in which being laid in his bed, in stead of the fair boy, they had laid a black Moor wench by him, with whom I know not how he handled the matter: but in the morning, seeing what a sweet bedfellow he had gotten, suddenly starting out of the bed, ran to his clothes, and taking them in his hand, ran out into another chamber, crying that he was undone, for he had lain with the ugliest thing that ever was, and he feared it was the devil. In which fear blessing himself, as from spirits, running out of the house, with the expense of his money, almost loss of his wits and laughed at of all that knew him, like a good woodcock, fled away so far, that I never heard more what became of him.   

Of a Doctor and his man.  
A Doctor that was newly commen'ct at Cambridge, charged his servant that he had, not to say any thing, but that he should ask of him. Within a while after, he invited divers of his friends to dinner, and sent his man to desire another Doctor to come and dine with him. The fellow went, and the Doctor told him that he could not come: for he had great business to dispatch that day. So home he comes, and says nothing. When the guests were all come, they stayed from going to dinner, till the other Doctor came. When they had stayed till two of the clock, he asked his man, if he had bidden him come to dinner? Yes (quoth his man) that I did. And why doth he not then come? Marry, he said, that he had other business, and he could not come. Why didst thou not tell me this before (quoth his Master) Why Sir (quoth he) because you did not ask me.   

Of one that believed his wife better than others.  
A Man, whose wife was no better than she should be nor so neither, his friends counseled him to look better unto her. The man went home, and sharply rebuked his wife, and told her what his friends said of her. She knowing that perjury was no worse than adultery, with weeping and swearing denied the same, and told her husband that they devised those tales in envy, because they saw them live so quietly. With these words her husband was content and well pleased. Yet another of his friends was at him again: and said that he old not well, to let her have her liberty so much. To whom he answered, I pray you tell me whether knoweth my wives faults best, she or you? They said she. And she that I believe better than you all, saith you lie all like knaves.   

The Harfordshire man's answer to the Abbot of London.  
THe Abbot riding in Visitation, came to a place where they had newly builded their steeple, and put out their Bells to be new cast. The Abbot coming near the towns end▪ and bearing no Bells to Ring, in a chase said to one of the townsmen, have you no Bells in your steeple? No, my Lord quoth he. Then said the Abbot, Sell away your steeple. Why so, and please your Lordship? Quoth he, because it standeth void. Marry, said the man, we may well also sell away another thing in our Church, as well as that, and better too. What is that (quoth the Abbot?) Marry our Pulpit (quoth he) for this seven year have we not had a Sermon in it, nor I think never shall, but Bells I am sure we shall have shortly.   

Of one that lost his purse.  
A Country man coming up to the Term, by misfortune lost his purse: and because the sum was great, he set up bills in divers places of London, that if any man had found such a purse, and would restore it again, he should have very well for his pains. A Gentleman of the inner Temple, wrote under one of his bills, that he should come to his chamber, and did write where. So when he came to the place, the Gentleman asked him, first, what was in his purse? Secondly, what country man he was? And thirdly, what was his name? Sir (quoth he) twenty pound was in my purse. I am half a Welshman, and john up janken is my name. john up janken (quoth the Gentleman) I am glad I know thy name: for so long as I live thou nor none of thy name, shall have my purse to keep. And so farewell gentle john up janken.   

Of mad conceited Bulkin.  
BVlkin, well known in divers places for his mad conceits, and his cozenage, upon a time came into Kent, to Sittingborne: and there in divers villages thereabout set up bills, that all sorts of people, young and old, that would come to Sittingborne, on such a day, they should find a man there, that would give a remedy for all diseases: and also would tell them what would happen unto any of them in five or six years after: and he would desire but two pence a piece of any of them. Whereupon people came of all sorts, and from all places: so that he gathered of the people that came, to the value of twenty pounds: and he had provided a Stage, and set it up, and placed a chair where he would sit: and so they being all come in, and every one set in order, he comes to the gate, and takes the money from them that gathered it; and bids them look that good rule be kept, and so they did: also he bid them by and by sound the drum, and then he would begin his Orations. He when they were gone, with all haste gets him to the backside, and there having his gelding, gets upon his back, and away towards Rochester rides he, as fast as ever he could gallop. Now they thinking he had been preparing of things in a readiness, sounded the drum. The Audience looked still when he would come. and staying one, two, three hours, nay more, thought sure they were cozened. Whereupon one of the company seeing a paper in the chair on the stage, took it, wherein was written: 
Now you have heard the sound of the drum.  
You may all depart like fools as you come.   
Whereupon all of them falling to cursing and swearing, were fain to depart like fools indeed.   

Of the rich Widow of Abington.  
THis Widow desired a gossip of hers, that she would help her to a husband, not for any carnal desire she had, but only to keep her goods, and see to her lands, which is hard (saith she) for me to do myself. The woman for all her talk, yet knew she spoke against her mind: and therefore three or four days after, she came to her, and said, Gossip, I have found an husband for you, that is very wise and worldly given: but he lacks the thing you wot of, whereof I am sure you care not at all. Marry, quoth the widow, let the devil take that husband, if he will: for though I desire not the bodily pleasure, yet I would not have him lack that thing, which if we should fall out, should make us friends again.   

Of a Lawyer and his man.  
A Worshipful Gentleman, being a counsellor, keeping a very good house, kept a Gentleman's son to be his Clerk, and to wait upon his Table. So one day having store of guests, there wanted bread on the Table, he beckoned to his man to fetch some: who not understanding him, came to him, and said, Sir, what would you have? Seest not knave (quoth he) there is no bread on the Table? therefore fetch some. There was enough even now (quoth his man) if they would have let it alone, and not have eaten it up. Another time, his guests having supped, and ready to depart, he bade his man draw a cup of Wine, to make them drink before they went. The fellow coming up with the guilt cup covered his master beckoned him to take of the cover. He not understanding, said, Master, what would you have? Why, knave, take off the cover, quoth he of the cup. Then hold you the candle, said his man: for I cannot do two things at once.   

How finely one sold two loads of hay.  
IN London dwelled a mad conceited fellow, which with his wit lived with Gallants, and dominéerd with good fellows. Not long ago, in hay harvest, he gets a Pitchfork on his neck, went forth towards Istington in the morning, and meets with two loads of hay, coming towards the City to be sold: for the which he bargained with them that owed the same, for thirty shillings. Whither shall we bring them, quoth they? To the Swan, by Smithfield, said he. And so went his way, and left them, and to the Swan he went, to the goodman of the house, and asked if he would buy two loads of hay? Yes, quoth the In keeper, where be they? Here they come quoth he, What shall I pay quoth the Innkeeper? Four Nobles, quoth makeshift. But at last they were agreed for twenty shillings. When they were come, he bade them unload the hay. So while they were unloading, he came to the In holder, and said, I pray you let me have my money: for while my men unload, I will buy some stuff to have home with me. The In-holder was content, and gave him his money. And so he went his way. When the men had unloaded their hay, they came and demanded their money. I have paid your Master, quoth the Innkeeper. What Master quoth they? Marry, quoth he, he that bade you bring the hay hither. We know him not (quoth they) Nor I (quoth he) but with him I bargained, and him have I paid. with you I meddled not, and therefore go seek him if you will. And so the poor men were cozened of their hay.   

Of a young Gentleman, that would have kissed a maid with a long nose.  
A Young Gentleman, none of the wisest, would have kissed a fair maid, that had something a long nose, who said, How should I kiss you, your nose is so long, that our lips cannot meet? The maid waxing angry in mind, said, if you cannot kiss my mouth, Sir, for my nose, you may kiss me there, where as I have never a nose.   

Of one that fell off a tree at Greenested.  
THere was a Husbandman that dwelet at Gréenested, that was gathering his fruit, and being hard at work, forgot his footing, and down he comes tumbling, and with his fall broke one of his ribs. To comfort him came a merry man his neighbour, who said, he would teach him such a rule, that if he would follow it, he would never fall off a tree again? Marry, said the hurtman, I would you had taught me that rule before I fell: nevertheless, because it may happen to profit me another time, let me hear it. Then said the other, take heed that you never go faster down, than you go up, but descend as softly, and you shall never fall.   

Of a Scholar and a Ploughman.  
A Certain Scholar being in Bedfordshire a rude plough-swain reproved him for something, saying, that he could say all his prayer with a hole mind, and steadfast intention, not thinking of any thing else. Go to, said the Scholar, say one Pater noster to the end, and think on no other thing, and I will give thee my horse. That I shall do, quoth the ploughman, and so he began to say, Our Father which art inheaven, till he came to, Hallowed be thy name: and then his thought moved him to ask this question, Yea, but shall I have the bridle and the saddle to? And so he lost his bargain.   

How drunken Mullins of Stratford dreamt he found Gold.  
MVllins being drunk, and lying in his bed, dreamt that the devil led him into a field to dig for Gold: and when he had found the Gold, the Devil said, Thou canst not carry it away now, but mark the place, that thou mayst fetch it another time. What mark shall I make, quoth Mullins? With Pilgrim salve (quoth the Devil) for that shall cause every man to shun the place, and for thee it shall be a special mark. Where he did so, and when he awaked, he percesued he had foully bewrayed his bed. Thus between stink and dirt up he rose, and made him ready to go forth. And last of all, he put on his hat, wherein also the cat had shit: so, for great stink, he threw away his hat, and was fain to wash his head. Thus all his Golden Dream was turned to Dirt.   

Of a young woman at Barnet, that sorrowed for her husband's death.  
IN Barnet was a young woman, that when her husband lay a dying, sorrowed out of all measure, for fear that she should lose him. Her father came to her, willing her to be contented: for he had provided her another husband, a far more goodly man. But she did not only continue in her sorrow, but was also greatly displeased, that her father made any motion to her of any other husband. As soon as her other husband was buried, and the Sermon was done, and they were at dinner, between sobbing and weeping, she rounded her father in the ear, and said, Father, where is the young man, that you told me should be my husband? Whereat her father suddenly fell a laughing.   

A poor beggars answer to a rich Citizen.  
A Poor beggar that was foul, black and loathsome to behold, came to a rich Citizen and asked his alms. To whom the Citizen said, I pray thee get thee hence from me, for thou lookest as though thou camest out of hell. The poor man perceiving he could get nothing, answered, Forsooth sir you say troth, I came out of hell indeed. Why didst thou not tarry there still, quoth the Citizen? Marry Sir (quoth the beggar) there is no room for such poor beggars as I am: all is kept for such Gentlemen, as you are.   

The subtlety of a Lawyer repaid with the like subtlety.  
THere was an unthrift in London, that had received of a Merchant certain wares, which came to fifty pounds, to pay at three months, and at three months: but when he had it, he consumed and spent it all: so that at the six months' end, there was not any left to pay the Merchant: wherefore the Merchant arrested him. When he saw there was no other remedy, but either to pay the debt, or go to prison, he sent to a subtle lawyer, and asked his counsel how he might clear himself of that debt. What wilt thou give me (quoth he) if I do? Five marks (quoth the other) and here it is, and as soon as you have done, you shall have it. Well, said the Lawyer, but thou must be ruled by my counsel, and do thus: When thou comest before the judge, whatsoever he saith unto thee, answer thou nothing, but cry, Beaumont, still, and let me alone with the rest. So when he came before the judge, he said to the debtor, Dost thou owe this Merchant so much money? Beaumont (quoth he.) What, beast (quoth he?) answer to that I ask thee. Beaumont (quoth he) again. Why how now, quoth the judge? I think this fellow hath gotten a sheeps tongue in his head: for he answers in the sheeps language. Why Sir, quoth the Lawyer, do you think this Merchant that is so wise a man, would be so foolish as to trust this Idiot with fifty pounds worth of ware, that can speak never a word? no Sir I warrant you. And so persuaded the judge to cast the Merchant in his own suit. And so the judge departed, and the court broke up. Then the Lawyer came to his Client, and asked him his money. since his promise was performed, and his debt discharged, Beaumont (quoth he.) Why, thou néedst not cry Bea any longer, but pay me my money, Beaumont (quoth he again. Why, thou wilt not serve me so, I hope (quoth the Lawyer) now I have used thee so kindly. But nothing, but Beaumont, could Master Lawyer get for his pains, and so was fain to depart.   

A tale of a merry Christmas Carol, sung by women.  
THere was sometime an old Knight, who being disposed to make himself merry, in a Christmas time, sent for many of his tenants, and poor neighbours, with their wives to omner: when having made meat to be set on the Table, would suffer no man to drink, till he that was master over his wife, should sing a Carol, to excuse all the company: Great niceness there was, who should be the Musician, now the Cuckoo time was so far off. Yet with much ado, looking one upon another, after a dry hem or two, a dreaming companion drew out as much as he durst, towards an ill fashioned ditty. When having made an end, to the great comfort of the beholders, at last it came to the women's table, where likewise commandment was given, that there should no drink be touched, till she that was master over her husband, had sung a Christmas Carol: whereupon they fell all to such a singing, that there was never heard such a caterwauling piece of Music. Whereat the Knight laughed heartily, that it did him half as much good, as a Corner of his Christmas Pie.   

A jest of a Felon at Oxford.  
THe Assizes being at Oxford, among the rest, there was a Felon that had the benefit of the Clergy, to have his book. but he could read never a word. Which a scholar perceiving, stood behind, and prompt him with his verse that he was to read; and coming to the latter end, he held his thumb upon the book, that the scholar could not see: wherefore he bade him softly take away thy thumb: he thinking that the same was so in the book, said aloud, take away thy thumb. Which the judge perceiving, bade take him away. And so he was condemned: and being upon the ladder, ready to die, and the rope about his neck, he said. Have at yond Daisy, that grows yonder. And so leapt of the gallows.   

Of a Gentleman of Norfolk and his Host.  
A Gentleman of Norfolk, as he was riding towards London in the winter time; and sitting by the fire side, with his Host, until supper could be made ready, there happened a Rabbit to be at the fire a roasting, which the Gentleman perceived to be very lean, as he thought. Quoth he unto his Host, we have Rabbels in our country, that one will drip a pottle. and baste itself. The Innkeeper wondered with himself, and did think it to be a lie, but would not say so, for manners sake, and because he was his guest: but thinking to requite him, Now truly, quoth he, it is very strange: but I can tell you of as strange a thing as that. Which the Gentleman very desirous to hear: quoth he, I had as sine a Grayhound, as any was in England: and if I had happened to go abroad to my grounds, the Grayhound would alway go with me. And sometime there would start out a Hare before me, which my Grayhound would quickly catch. It fortuned that my dog died, and for very love that I bore to him, I made me a bottle of his skin, to carry drink withal. So, one time in hay harvest, my folk being making of hay in my grounds, and the weather hot, I filled my bottle with beer, to carry to them, lest they should lack drink. And as I was going along, there start a Hare out of a bush before me; and as it was my custom, I cried Now, now, now. My bottle leaping from my girdle, ran and catched the Hare. What quoth the Gentleman, me thinks that should be a lie. Truly sir, said the Innkeeper, so did I think yours was. The Gentleman perceiving that he was requited for his kindness, held himself contented.   

A tale of a Printer and a Gentlewoman.  
AS a merry conceited Printer was going thorough S. Martin's in London, with a friend of his, being merrily disposed, quoth he, I will lay a quart of Wine with you, that I will go and kiss yonder Gentlewoman, who is coming on the other side of the way. Wilt thou, quoth the other? and I will lay it with thee. The wager being laid, presently this Printer crosses the way, and met this Gentlewoman, and with cap and bended knee salutes her, and taking her by the hand, kissed her. The Gentlewoman somewhat abashed at this sudden salutation, and could not call to mind where she had seen or known him: Truly sir, said she (and made a low curtsy) you must pardon me: for as yet I do not know you. Truly, nor I you, Mistress: but I hope there is no hurt done. So saluting her, went his way leaving the Gentlewoman much ashamed, and much laughing to the beholders.   

A tale of a Gentleman and his man.  
A Gentleman upon a time having a man that could write and read well, rebuked him one day for idleness, saying if I had nothing to do, I would for the better comfort of my wit, set down all the fools I know. The fellow making little answer, took his pen and ink, and as his Master had wished him, fell a setting down a Catalogue of all the fools, that he was well acquainted with: among whom, and first of all, he set down his Master, who reading his name, would needs know the nature of his folly. Marry (quoth he) in lending your Cousin twenty pound this other day: for I think he will never pay you. Yea, but (quoth his Master) what if he do pay me? Then (quoth his man) I will put out your name, and put down his for a fool.   

A fray betwixt a clown and a Pastry of Venison.  
A Certain rich Counsellor of the common law, who kept his Terms at an Inn of Court near the Citte of London, and his vacations in the Country, used every Sunday to have one Client or other (whose purses paid for't sound before hand) at dinner with him, to the end (I guess) that his kind entertainment might cause them to retain him in their Law-causes for counsel. Now it chanced one Sunday in the last long vacation that a silly Rustiche fellow that never or seldom tasted better cheer than Rye bread and whey butter, being seated at the tail or lower end of this Counselor's table saw a hot Reddéere Pastry standing under his nose, and taking it to be a brown loaf (as indeed it was like one) he took it out of the dish, set it against his breast, and whipping out his tool no larger than a Cook's mincing knife, he made a breach in the walls and thinking to pass quite through the town viz. the Pastry without detriment, a troop of hot shot viz. the fat liquor lying in Ambush suddenly sallied forth, and gave the invader such hot welcome, that between rage and weeping he flung away his weapon and retired swearing a great Oath that he never saw Porridge baked in a brown loaf before. The Counsellor with the rest of his meal mates beholding this Issue of ignorance viz. his Pastry cut up the wrong way, his tablecloth embroidered with baked ●utter and deer's grease, his fool hardy guest making faces like Singer the clown when his Master in the play bade him untruss, and blowing his tawny clutch like a Chancery Clarke at Westminster Hall in a Hillary Term gave him counsel that he should never assault such a Town again, till the breach were made before him, and so with much pain and more shame he departed hastily to get a cooler for his heat, leaving many there to laugh and jest at his simplicity.   

A deceit of the hope of the covetous, with a Turnip.  
THe King of France, Charles' the fifth, being presented by a poor Gardiner, with a Turnip of a huge greatness, gave him for his reward five hundred rrownes, giving him charge to lay it up, and keep it safely for him, till he did call for it. Which bounty being noted of all his Court, and chiefly observed by one covetous rich officer of his house, caused him, in hope of some greater recompense for a greater present, to present his Majesty, with a fair and goodly horse: which the King thankfully receiving, nothing his miserable nature, and that his gift rather did proceed, from hope of gain, then good will, called for the Turnip; wherewith he rewarded the miserable Ass: at which, he no less fretted, than all that saw it, bartely laughed. And so I wish all such churls to be served.   

A pretty tale of a Fox and an Ass.  
IN the time out of mind, when men wrote they cared not what, I find a discourse of a Lion, which being King of beasts, upon some, I know not what cause, called a Parliament. whereto a great number of his subjects, being come as near to his presence as they durst, he caused a proclamation to be pronounced to the whole assembly, that what beast soever bare a horn in his head, should not after that day presume to set foot within that chief wood of his, without his especial licence, and whosoever did violate his command, should be held as a traitor, and suffer death, without further judgement. It fell out within few days after that, a Fox having one night met with a breed of young Geese, besides Rabbits and Chickens, and having drawn them to a bush, under which he had laid them, far from the high way, chanced in the morning to espy a poor Ass coming towards him, to whom after a few salutations, and questions touching his passage that way, he told the summary of the aforesaid proclamation: who answered him, that it nothing touched him, for that he had no horns. Oh, (quoth the Fox) take heed, thou hast long ears, and if the Lion will say, that they be horns, than they are as ill as horns: but if thou will help me to carry a little poultry, that I have taken here for the Court, I will warrant thee to go and come safe. The poor Ass, whose back was made for the purpose, to bear the Fox's burden, followed his counsel, and took up the poultry, which the Fox made shift to lay upon his back: wherewith he was no sooner come to the wood side, but a Wolf espying him, ran towards him, of whom not a little afraid, he flung down his burden, with this outcry: let never an Ass follow a Fox, lest he meet with a Wolf at his journeys end.   

How a woman served a Glutton, but yet he was too good for her.  
NOt unlike to Mother Bunch our Hostess, an old woman in Sussex, that brewed good Ale, there dwelled, that had every week a lusy eater, and as tall a drinker, used to her house: but when he had served himself, he would not pay any thing at all. The woman grieving to be thus used still, knew not what remedy to have: for with his swaggering he dominéerd, because he had been a Soldier. One Tuesday morning he comes thither, saying, Hostess, what shall we have to breakfast? I have nothing of your price (quoth she) at this time. Whereupon he began to swear so pitifully, that he so feared the woman, that she set a dish of sweet butter before him, that she had kept for others, that were to come thither: whereof he began to eat so greedily, that she feared he would eat up all. And thereupon she slept to the door, as though one had knocked, and came in again, and said to him, Sir, there is one at the door would speak with you. Whereupon he went to the door, In the mean space she thrust his knife in the fire, and heat it almost red hot. In comes he again, saying there was no body there. Then belike he is gone, quoth she. He taking his knife again, would have cut the butter, but it fell still from the knife whereat he wonding, said, Hostess, I marvel what ails my knife! Truly, Sir, your knife blushes to see his master so unreasonable. In faith, said he, if this knife blush, his fellow here yet looketh pale: and so draws out his other knife, and eats up the rest of the butter clean.   

The answer of a Gentleman's man to his Master.  
A Worshipful Gentleman in London, having on a time invited divers of his friends to supper to his house, and being at supper, the second course coming in, the first was one of the Gentlemans own men, bringing a Capon, and by chance stumbling at the portal door, the Capon flew out of the platter, and ran along the boards to the upper end of the Table where the Master of the house sat, who making a jest of it, said, By my faith, it is well, the Capon is come first, my man will come anon too, I hope. by and by came his man, and takes up the Capon, and lays it in the platter, and sets it on the board. I thank you sir quoth his Master, I could have done so myself. ay, quoth his man, 'tis a small matter, sir, for one to do a thing, when he sees it done before his face.   

Of one that coosened himself.  
TWo schoollers of Oxford coming to London and having little money betwixt them they alighted in great Wickham at an june and there called for two pennyworth of Eggs, which being brought and quickly eaten, they paid the reckoning, got upon horseback and rid forwards on their journey, and by the way quoth the one to the other, I have cozened mine Host finely, how I prithee (quoth the other) why quoth he I have eaten a whole chick in one of my Eggs and paid nothing for it.   

Certain sullen speeches of Diogenes to Alexander.  
Diogenes' walking on a time in a Churchyard near unto a highway, that lay in a valley, espied Alexander with a great train a far off upon a hill, coming down towards that town, where the Church stood. Whereupon, minding to put Alexander out of such proud humours, as he doubted of him at that time to be possessed with, ran in all haste unto the Sexton of the Church, for the key of the door, within which lay the dead men's skulls, and bones, which had been digged up: where taking out as many as he could well carry in his arms, he laid them one by one, in the way where Alexander was to pass: who being come somewhat near unto him, and seeing his pains, in laying of the bones▪ asked what he meant by it? Why (quoth Diogenes) I have heard that here have been as well the bones of Princes, as poor people, buried here in this Churchyard: and now I have been laying them together, to see, if I can find any difference, whereby I might find which were the Princes, and which the Beggars: but truly they are so like one another, that I find no difference at all. Well (quoth Alexander) this is one of thy dogged humours: but how darest thou thus trouble me in my time of pleasure, knowing that I can take thy life from thee, if I list? Why (quoth Diogenes) do thou know, that I will die in spite of thy teeth, and therefore care not for thy threats, knowing death to be the worst that can come of them, and my offence no greater than this in deserving of them. Which answer Alexander well noting▪ knowing his nature, left him to his sullin humours.   

Of a drunken fellow that fell in the fire.  
THere was a notable drunkard of Rochester, whom his wife persuaded as much as in her lay, to leave that sin: but the more she spoke, the worse he was, and because she controlled him, he would all to beat her. So she let him alone, and because his use was still to stay out till almost midnight, she would go to bed, and bid her maid tarry up for him, and make a good fire: and so she did. One night when he came home, the maid let him in, and he stood by the fire and warmed himself: but his head being to heavy for his body, down he fell in the fire all along, the maid ran crying? Oh, Mistress, Mistress, my Master is fallen into the fire. No force, maid (quoth she) let him take his pleasure in his own house a God's name, where he will himself.   

A pretty tale of a Fox and a Goose.  
IN the time when birds and beasts could speak, and the winds could carry many tales thorough the wood, as it is written by some idle head, there came a Fox out of a wood, unto a country house, there near to adjoining, where finding a brood Goose, within a kind of open pen, saluted her in this manner: How do you sister? I heard you were not well of late, which made me come to visit you, as one, who would be glad to do you any good that lay in his poor power. The goose sitting over her young brood crowding, made him this answer: Truly, I am not well, yet I think I and mine should do much better, if you would not come so often to visit us: yet for that I have a pain in my back, I pray you come in and feel how it is swelled, that you may the better teach me what to apply unto it. The fox very glad of this unlooked for kindness, hoping to have that he came for, put his head no sooner within the door, but a dog lying closely hidden, caught him by the nose, and biting off a piece of his chap, with a sudden snatch let him go. The poor Fox making no little haste home to his borough, no sooner came among his fellow Foxes but with great sighs told them, that he was bitten with a Goose. Which the bitch-fox hearing, with an open mouth ran at him, and beat him out of the hold, with this shameful reproach: Go coward, bite her again, thou shalt never come within my borough, to be bitten of a Goose, and bring away never a feather.   

Of King Henry, and the countryman.  
KIng Henry riding a hunting, in the County of Kent, he came by chance to a great gate, that he must needs pass through, and in the way there stood a ploughman, to whom the King said: I prithee good fellow, open the gate. The fellow perceiving it was the King, stood like an Image, and said: No, and it shall please your Grace, (quoth he) I am not worthy to be in that office, but I will fetch Master Cooper, that dwelleth but two miles hence, and he shall open you the gate. And so ran away, as fast as ever he could.   

Of the old man of Monmouth, that gave his son all his goods in his life time.  
IN Monmouth dwelled an ancient man, of fair possessions and great lands, having but one son to enjoy all his substance. His son being married, he gave him all that he had, and so would live free from all worldly matters in his old age with his son in his own house. After the deed of gift was made, a while the old man sat at the upper end of the Table, afterward they set him lower about the middle of the Table: next, at the Tables end: and then among the servants. And last of all, they made him a couch behind the door, and covered him with old sackcloth, where, with grief and sorrow the old man died. When the old man was buried, the young man's eldest child said unto him: I pray you father, give me this old sackcloth. What wouldst thou do with it, said his father? Forsooth said the boy, it shall serve to cover you, as it did my old grandfather.   

How a woman, to hide a small fault, showed a greater.  
A Woman at Romford, had for some cause shaven her head, and newly as she had put her kerchief of her head, one of her neighbours called for her hastily in the street. When her neighbour saw her so, she blamed her, for coming abroad bareheaded. She remembering herself, whipped up her clothes from behind her, over her head. And so to hide her head, she showed her bare tail.   

How a mad man in Gloucester shire answered a Gentleman.  
IN Gloucester shire dwelled one that cured frantic men in this manner: When their fit was on them, he would put them in a gutter of water, some to the knees, some to the middle, and some to the neck, as the disease was on them. So one that was well amended, standing at the gate, by chance, a gentleman came riding by with his hawks, and his Haunds. The fellow called him to him, and said, Gentleman, whither go you? On hunting, quoth the gentleman. What do you with all those Kites and Dogs? They be Hawks and Hounds, quoth the Gentleman. Wherefore keep you them, quoth the other? Why quoth he, for my pleasure. What do they cost you a year to keep them? Forty pounds quoth the Gentleman. And what do they profit you, quoth he? Some ten pounds (quoth the Gentleman.) Get thee quickly hence, quoth the fellow: for if my Master find thee here, he will put thee into the gutter up to the throat.   

Of an Hermit by Paris, that lay with all the chiefest gentlewomen in the Country.  
THis notable knave, that under colour of holiness, enticed all the chiefest Matrons of the Country to folly; at last, his doings were detected and known, and he was brought before the Duke of Anjoy, which to hear the number of them for his disport, called his Secretary to write them down. The Secretary bade him recount them. The Hermit named to the number of xxvii. of the Duke's servants wives, and others, and then stood still and said nothing. Is there no more, quoth the Duke? No, and it shall like your Grace, quoth the Hermit. Tell troth quoth the Secretary for if thou dost not, thou shall be sharply punished, Then said the Hermit, sighing, to make up the xxviii. write thine own wife, in the number. Whereupon, the Secretary for very grief, let fall his pen. And the Duke, laughing heartily, said, I am glad, that he that with so great pleasure, hath heard the faults of other men's wives, should now come into the same number himself.   

The miserable niggardice of a justice.  
A Hoary-headed miserable justice, came to London, to the Term: And lying in Fléetstréet, a company of excellent Musicians, in a Morning, played very early at his chamber. But being loath to bestow his money so vainly, bad his man tell them, he could not as then hear their Music for he lamented for the death of his Mother. Wherefore they went their way, for their hope was deceived. A Gentleman, a friend of his in London, hearing the same, came to comfort him, and asked him when his Mother died? Faith (quoth he) some xvi. years ago. When his friend understood his deceit, he laughed heartily.   

A witty answer of a Magistrate to a malicious accuser of an offender.  
A Malicious fellow, willing to bring a neighbour of his unto all the disgrace he could devise, and shrewdly suspecting him, to have more than a months mind to a fine Mistress near unto him, oftentimes watching his going in, and coming out of her house. One day among other in the evening, noting his long stay, suspected that there was somewhat to do more than all the parish was acquainted with, and therefore seeing the maid gone forth upon some errand, being very early in the morning, suddenly stepped in with a companion of his, and took them together at their exercise: which being glad of, and that he had witness to make his matter good, runs to the Magistrate of the City, who had to deal with such persons, and such cases, and told him as much as he had seen: with, oh Sir, I assure you he is a perilous man for a woman, and to tell you the troth, we took him in bed with her: what say you to such a fellow? The Magistrate somewhat allied unto the young man, and wishing rather a secret amendment, than an open reprehension, gave him this answer: Truly, for the matter it is not well: but for being taken in bed with her. in truth, I can think no otherwise, but he was a slugard: I know not what to say to him. The accuser seeing the people smile, and himself mocked with this speech, did no further aggravate the matter, but with a flea in his ear, went away with his malicious humour.   

A Tale of a merry young Gentleman.  
A Gentleman coming to bait at an Inn in Egham, called to have a cloth laid, and went up into a Chamber, the Chamberlain comes presently after, and brings up a cloth, trenchers, bread and salt, which being laid, he went down for the meat. Meanwhile the Innekéeper comes up, and entertains the Gentleman (as most of his trade will do) only to win favour and get custom. And seeing neither Beer nor Napkin on the Board, snatches up one of the Trenchers in a rage, and throws it out of the Window at his servant. The Gentleman seeing that, takes the Bread and Salt, and Tablecloth, and throws all out at the Window after it. The Host asked him what he meant by that. Why mine Host (quoth the Gentleman) I thought you would have had me dined beneath.   

A tale of a Miller.  
A Miller's man that never knew what belonged to wit or good manners, brought a sack of corn ground to a Gentlewoman's house being a widow, and keeping house in Essex, who sitting at her door when this dunce came, asked him what he had brought, sir reverence of your worship (quoth he) my master hath sent home your corn forsooth, whereupon she willed him to lead his horse into the stable: and while her men unloaded him, come in and eat somewhat, O no quoth my Abraham Ninnie, my horse hath a great lask with lying in the open fields, and should he come in he would bepiss your worship's stable, and eat out of all measure.    

The Bakers dozen of Gulls.  

The first Gull, upon the wager of the Horse and the Cow for good travel.  
THere was sometime, not many years since, a mercy conceited man, of what profession, I do not well remember, who having occasion to take post from some haven Town near the Sea, came to the Mayor of the Town, to complain uthe Constable of the Town, for his little honesty in proaiding him such ill horses, knowing the nature of his business, and the haste it required. The Mayor looking upon them, as the that had not often made any posting journeys, told him, hat though they were not so good as he had seen, yet they could serve the turn well enough, and that as than he hought the Town would yield him no better. Whereupon the poster told him, that if he were no better furnished, that in his Country a man would teach a young Cow, to carry him further in a day, than the best horse in that Town: and for a need he could do as much there: and thereupon he would lay twenty pounds. The Mayor discontented with his speech, told him he would lay the wager, took money in earnest, the words were set down, witness set to their hands that in xxiiii. hours he would so diet a young Cow, that she should carry him further in a day, than the best horse in the Shire. The Cow was brought into a stable, hay, and water set to her, and in the morning when he should ride, a horse brought thither to the place, which presently he would have bound to the Cow: which being too heavy for the Cow to carry, they all found the deceit: and the poor Mayor being made a good Gull, was forced to confess his folly, & to give the poster a good piece of money, to be rid of his wager.   

The second Gull, upon the wager of leaping.  
A Certain young well limmed, broad shouldered, and milpost-legged young man, (who it should seem) with following of hounds, was used to leaping of ditches: and so with use grew to be held the captain leper of that side of the country. One day among other, wherein games came about the country; best, second, and third, a great assembly of the youth of divers parishes striving before their best beloved, who had the lightest pair of heels, put in their pieces of money, each one for the best, or the rest, as it fell out. This gallant younker advancing himself, being untrust for the purpose, offers any man a foot before him, for the price of a quarter of the best malt in the country. But while no man would meddle with him, one madheaded fellow standing by him, suddenly stepped to him, and told him, that if he might choose his ground, there upon the ground before him, that he would adventure upon the advantage of a foot before him, at the uprising or standing, he would leap with him for forty shillings. The wager was laid, the money put into a box, and the witnesses came to see the leaping: when he that took the foot before him, took his ground just before a great Elm tree, that grew on the green hard by: where being able to leap no further than the tree, the other finding himself deceived, was contented to loose part of his money, to learn him better wit: and so like a good Gull went his way.   

The third Gull, upon a wager of going as fast as a horse, and go all one way.  
A Dapper young fellow, upon a time having bought him a pretty ambling gelding, was for certain days almost never off from his back: and riding him no long journey, but as it were betwixt London and Mile-end, in the view of many people, willing to make show of his horse, or horsemanship, sitting as upright as a picture of Rye dough, a subtle companion of his acquaintance, meaning to make a Gull of his mastership, told him it was a pretty Nag, but he was but slow pased, and that he would lay five pounds, that he would go as far in a day on foot, as he should ride his horse, and go both one way. The fine and all so fine, being much moved, to hear his horse so disgraced, accepted his offer, laid the wager, and they put the money into a man's hands of good worth, that stood by. Which done the merry fellow standing in the high way, went backwards. Which the horseman assaying to do, not used to those kind of tricks, his horse rising aloft, fell backwards with him, with danger of his life, when rising up, and seeing the other still going backwards, called to him, and with confession of loss, taking back what he would give him, remained a good Gull for his labour.   

The fourth Gull, upon a wager to hang himself,  
Upon a time, I have forgotten when, in a place out of mind, met a company of good fellows, which being likely to be some Inn, while the people were all set at dinner, came in an old rich Farmer of the country, who being well lined in his purse, and therefore might have the merrier heart, was so full of talk at dinner, that scarce any man else was heard at the table. Which a Scholar sitting among them, well observing, and withal seeing him well tickled in the head with the good drunk, upon the sudden fell into this speech with him: Honest man, I pray you pardon me, if I say any thing that may offend you; I am sorry to see the evil that is towards you: you have been very merry, but I fear, you will never be so again in this company: for I see in your eyes a spirit of madness, which will very speedily bring you to your unhappy end: for indeed, within this hour, you will hang yourself in the stable, upon one of the great beams: and that I will lay a good wager, either with you, or any of this company. The old man much moved at this speech, and yet noting his gravity, told him, that he was sorry to see a Scholar have so much learning, and so little wit: but my friend (qd. he) if you have any money in your purse, you shall be rid of it, when you will, upon that wager. Whereupon the Scholar gave him ten shillings, and told him, that if be did not hang himself, within an hour after, and first come into the house, and ask forgiveness of all the house, he should give him but ten pound for it. The Farmer took the money, called in for wine and sugar, and made merry withal. At the hours end, he came to take his leave of the Scholar, and his company, who told him, that he must pay ten pounds, for that he had not hanged himself. At which words, he finding the deceit, confessed his ignorance, paid for the good cheer, and trebling the scholars money, like a true Gull got him home again.   

The fifth Gull, that lost the wager upon the great Hog.  
IN the midst of the term, at a certain Alehouse or Inn, where covetous wretches set their half starved horses, and themselves feed upon brown bread, and red Herrings, using after supper to sit sixteen at a faggot and a pot of beer, and enquiring of mine host, what news in the town? a cunning companion, that could feed upon the brains of a coney, got him a lodging in the house: and getting a company of old written papers, bound up in scrolls, like law cases, would play the penny-father among them, till he had made his market with some of them: so holding an even hand among them, talking of many idle things, at last brake out into a great admiration of the strange wonders of the world, and of all not the least, of a huge great hog, that he had seen in the county of Lincoln, near unto the Fens, where were three Sows that were so high, that the tallest man in the company standing upright, let him reach as high as he could, he should not touch the back of it, and those three Sows with their pigs, were a poor man's, that would sell them for twelve pounds, and if he had had money, he would have bought them, and have gotten a hundred pounds by the bargain. Four or five of those greedy Asses, giving no little ear to his talk, entreated him that he would bring them thither, and they would bear his charges. But he, only leaning to one of them, whose purse he knew to be full of money, secretly in a morning stole away with him, and road down with him into the country: where keeping of a certain blind house of lodging, kept the poor man at his house five or six days, to see these great sows, and in the end brought him unto a pretty Sow, by whom he caused him to stand upright, and reach up his hand as high as he could, when he asked him, if he did not touch her back? Who answered, No: for he was too high above it. Well (quoth he) this is the Sow that you shall have for four pounds of your money that I have received of you, which he had delivered him the night before. The poor man, finding his greediness kindly met withal, and that he must take the Sow, or lose all, was content with loss of half of his money, to return again, as good a gull as he went out.   

The sixth Gull upon a lifting Dog.  
AN idle headed fellow, new come out of the Country, and determining, after a little money spending, to return home with a budget full of news, met by chance with an odd wag, cousin German to a Page: who finding his humour, and meaning to fit him in his kind, fell into this honest kind of parley with him: Oh old huddle and twang, what news in the country, that you are come to town? hast thou been at a play yet? Yea (qd. the good clown) that I have, two or three. But Sirrah, what news where you keep? I am sure you hear all the world. No great news (quoth the wag) but only of the huge great lifting dog, that came lately out of Barbary: they take but two pence a piece of every one that seeth him: he is at the sign of the Carnation Hedgehog in Westminster, near to the Gatehouse: go thither when thou wilt in my name, and thou shalt see him for a penny, the poor Ass little mistrusting the boy's waggery, went in all haste, seeking for such a sign as was not to be found. But being demanded wherefore he sought? one of the Pages copartners in his tricks, told him, if he would give him but a quart of wine, he would bring him to the Dog. The fellow weary with seeking for the Carnation Hedgehog, was contented, for the abridging of his further travile, to give him both wine and sugar, with such appurtenances as cost his purse above an ordinary. Which done, and the shot paid, out this youngster lead this little wit, from one lane to another, till having traced most streets to be thought upon, at last he brought him out of the towns end, to a poor woman's house, that kept a little Iseland cur: whom showing unto this good Goose, Look you (quoth he) he lifts up his tail so high, that you may kiss his arse▪ if you list: and with those words, laughing, ran away, crying, Oh Gull, Gull, get thee home into the country, and carry news of the lifting Dog.   

The seventh Gull, for the Pigs, that were Hens.  
Travailing upon the way to London, out of what country▪ I know not, a certain pretty quick witted fellow, overtook a company of horsemen, who to pass away the time, fell to talk of such things, as came in their heads: Some of horses, some hawks, some hounds, some hares, and some coneyes: but towards their journeys end, they fell to talking of wonders, each one recounting what he had seen: Some the long ditch at Newmarket, other the stones by Salisbury, and some the top of Paul's and other of the Lions in the Tower: but among all this, the youth in a basket that overtook the company, began to tell of a most miraculous thing that he had seen, and that but two nights before: that in a town some forty miles behind him, at the sign of the whip and the Eggshell, he did see twelve pigs in a yard, going by two Sows, and in the morning they were all hens. Many seemed to wander at it, and the more at his sober protesting of his truth in his tale, Whereupon, one simple man of the company, desirous to carry news home of such things as he had seen abroad, desired this fellow at his coming back again, to bear him company to that town, and into his way back again, and he would bear part of his charges, for his kindness. This being betwixt themselves agreed upon, their business being dispatched together, they rid home together: where, being well dried after a wet journey, going to supper, they had one of the pigs well roasted in his house, whose name was hen: and in the morning, ask for these hen Pigs, he showed him all the rest. Wherewith finding himself sweetly deceived, ashamed to tell the world how he was abused, like a good poor Gull, got him out of the country.   

The eight Gull, upon the Gardens.  
IT fell upon a time, much about Sturbridge fair, that many mad people, minding to throw away a little money, for lack of company in the city, would needs go make merry in the country, among whom was one ially lusty wench, that had made herself fat with good ale and laughing. This piece of householdstuff, being hostess of I know not what Inn, say her husband what he list, would make one among her friends: and being some three or fourscore miles out of London, in a country market Town, where were some such girls, as thought their pennies good silver, and their ware worth money: After they had been merry some few days, and almost emptied a poor tavern of all his runlets, enquiring as the fashion is, after news, this good mistress, falling to her turn to talk of wonders, told them, that one of the greatest wonders, that ever she saw, or heard of, was of late in the city, done by a stranger touching Gardens, and the preservation of flowers, for she had seen it with her eyes, that he had taught divers how to take in their gardens every night at their windows, and let them out again every morning. Which thing the neighbours that came with her, seemed to soothe up, that they had heard of the like, but they had never seen it. But she with solemn oaths still affirmed, that she had seen it, and could bring them to it. While they all gave ear unto it, one chief woman of the company▪ who had her purse well lined, and cared not for to spend a little money for the satisfying of her humour, upon a belief of her solemn protestations, told her, that if she might be assured to come to the sight of that she spoke of, she would take some of her neighbours with her, and she would bear her company back to London. To be short, the matter was agreed upon, the wonder was believed, the day appointed for their journey, and together they came to London, where they lay all at her house, had good cheer, and paid well for it. But after that they had gone abroad with the hostess, to see sights, Cheapside, the Exchange, Westminster, and London bridge, had trodden the top of Paul's, under their feet, been at Bear garden, seen a play, and had made a tavern banquet, looking into their purses for to discharge their expenses, were willing to see this strange sight of these Gardens, which she had daily promised to bring them to, but still making excuse, that they were in the country, and not yet come to London again, that had such gardens to be seen: in the end brought them into a little lane, whereout at a garret window, she showed them a poor widow setting on't certain boards, and upon them certain earthen pots, in which were divers kinds of flowers, and herbs, as Gillyflowers, Carnations, and such like. The woman seeing herself, with her company mocked with this jest, made little show of anger, but seemed to laugh it out, and with this trick of mistress Hestesse, to gather some money with her wit, took a Gull with her into the country, to feed a fool when she found him.   

The ninth Gull, that wished for the wood.  
AMong mad country wenches, that when they sit a milking, will be talking of their sweet hearts, it was my hap not long since, lying close under a bush, to hear a merry tale, of a bird little wiser than a Woodcock. There was a young fellow that was well furnished for implements of household, mary his wealth was not great, and his wit but little, and his spirit of a weak constitution. For as it fell out, a rich widow, that was past a girl, and therefore knew what to do with a good thing, when she had it, hearing divers reports of such persons, as she was wished to make much of, among all, she heard of one young man, a neighbour's son of hers, to be a sufficient man to do her much good service, either within the house, or without, either for ploughing, or threshing, or sowing, or such country work, as best fitted her occupation. This youngman she sent for, and as far as modesty might, she made show of her affection: which the Goose not perceiving, she carried him one day alone into her chamber, where she told him, she must have his help to remove a chest. The fellow understanding nothing more than was told him, went up with the widow, and all alone from one chamber to another, the doors shutting after them: where she often smiling at his either shamefastness or foolishness, in the end carried him to a chamber, where stood a chest that he could not remove: when, saying he would fetch company to help him, she answered no, now she was otherwise minded. And so leading down again the good Ass, she never sent more for him. A friend of his, meeting of him coming forth, hoping of his good hap, knowing his being above with her alone, asked him how he had sped. Whose answer was, Oh, I wished I had had her in the wood, and then I would have told her my mind. Now what a notable Gull was this, I leave to all good humoured wenches to consider.   

The tenth Gull that shook his gloves.  
THis tale was no sooner ended, but another wench began to quite her in this sort: Nay, than I will tell thee of as good an Ass, as that was for his life. In our Town not long ago, one of the chief of our parish, who was twice Churchwarden, and in election to be bailiff, a good fat gross churl, having a good house of his own, and well to take to, married a widow, that dwelled three miles off: who, having good cattle, and corn, and some household of her own, by the motion of good friends, made a match together. But this churl, being troubled with some sixteen diseases, lay himself in one bed, and his wife in an other by him: who having a kind of more than good liking to a young man in the house, some kinsman of his, with shéepes-eyes, and smiles, and such odd kind of wicked kindness, she made him understand her mind: and being agreed one night to come into her chamber, when he was a sleep, she told him for fear of the worst, that he should take a pair of her gloves, and flap them too and fro in his hand, which would make a noise like unto a great Spaniel, that used often to shake his ears: which lesson he forgot not. Night was come, the candles out, they in bed, and he came creeping like a dog. But the door creaking, the old man half awake, or not fast asleep, asked who was there? when the fellow shaking of his gloves together, made him think it was the dog: when saying, Oh, Troll, he lay still as though he slept. But the fellow missing his way in the dark, running his head against his master's bedpost, upon a sudden the old man start up his head, with, How now? who is there? The poor man amazed, forgetting to flap his glove, answered, Forsooth, it is the dog. Whereat his mistress laughing, bad hang him up. Whereat the fellow, as it were following in, and seeking to drive him forth, cried, come out. But in the morning, as I heard, the Gull was put in a coop, where I heard no more of him.   

The eleventh Gull, upon the Colewort.  
IT is a trick among many travailers, if they light into company, that they think have not passed the Seas, to tell wonders, that wise men ought not to believe upon the first hearing, Among which kind of people, it fell out one day at an ordinary, that a certain idle companion, that loved to hear himself speak, and would talk more then either he understood, or ever heard of, hearing divers at the Table talking of the diversity of soils, and the natures of fruits, began himself with a fine and all so fine kind of lisping utterance, to tell that he had seen many countries, and noted the diversities of their nature's 〈…〉 one especially he noted for the fertility of the sople 〈…〉 any kinds of roots, G●wrdes, 〈…〉 of frutis▪ there grew 〈…〉 together under the 〈…〉 at his tale, and 〈◊〉 that he 〈…〉 that no body 〈…〉 of the company, upon the sudden, 〈…〉 in his kind● broke out into this speech. 〈…〉 is not so strange, as that which I heard was in the same place, that all those Tinkers did work together upon one kettle. For what use (quoth the travailer?) Mary sir (quoth the other) to see the 〈◊〉 Colewort in. At which the 〈…〉 with as much speed as he coul 〈…〉 Gull, got him a way from the comapny.   

The twelfth Gull, upon 〈◊〉 cry of Hounds.  
I Read among the discourses of country actions, that a gentleman of the country, that loves home-sports, as Hawking, Hunting, Ducking, Fowling, and Fishing and such like: but of all, especially a good try of Hounds, of which he kept the best in all the Country: upon a morning riding forth, near a 〈◊〉 side start a Hate, who led the Hounds a chase thorough the wood; where the winding of the horns, the hollowing of the huntsmen, and the mouths of the dogs, made such a country pleasant sweet noise, that the master of the sport, sitting still upon his horse, as one half ravished with his pleasure, esteeming no music comparable to such a cry, suddenly broke out into this speech among them that were near him, Oh what a heavenly noise is this! List, list, for God's sake, is not this a heavenly noise? Whereat one Gull of the Company, who, as it should seem, never heard any dog but a Mastiff, holding up his ear, as it were towards the Sky, to hear some noise from the heavens broke out into these words, Oh Lord, where is this heavenly noise? Why hark (quoth the Gentleman) list a while, dost thou not hear? No (quoth the Gull) the curs keep such a bawling I can hear nothing for them. Whereal the Gentleman laughing, and yet inwardly chaffing at the fools wit, road away from him, and left him to learn more understanding.  
FINIS.