COACH and SEDAN, Pleasantly Disputing for Place and Precedence The Brewers-Cart being Moderator. Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici? LONDON: Printed by Robert Raworth, for john Crouch; and are to be sold by Edmund Paxton, dwelling at Paul's chain, near Doctors-Commons. 1636. To the Valorous, and worthy all title of Honour, Sr. ELIAS HICKS, KNIGHT, and one of the honourable band of His Majesty's Gentlemen Pensioners in Ordinary. NOBLE SIR, THat I prefix so deserving and eminent a name before such light stuff: I do n● more than Taverns and Inns do, with us here in England, and in other Country's, to credit their houses, hang up at the porch, the Pictures (for signs) of Kings; Queens, Princes and other eminent Persons, under whose subjection they live, or unto whom they stand most affected. The Great Turk sets his own stamp upon Terra Lemnia, an Earth, or Clay; Virgil thought his Gnat not unworthy the view of Octavius Caesar: and with the same confidence I offer these few lea●es unto your view; who are so beloved at home, and honoured abroad, especially for that your memorable service sometime at Mount Auban in France, that Town even to this day acknowledging her safety, and preservation to your valour only, and whom for your resolution and forwardness in our late Fleet, your Noble Admiral, the Earl of Lindsey honoured with the dignity of Knighthood: If yourself, Sir, or any else shall ask me, If I had no better employment to set myself about then this, I could answer them; The wisest Counsellors and greatest Scholars have ever seasoned, and sweetened their profoundest Studies, and greatest employments, with these and the like passages of inoffensive Mirth. Erasmus commended the Foole. Homer writing his Illiads, wrote also the battle between Frogs and Mice. Fannius extolled the Nettle; Sir Philip Sidney made good sport with Rhombus his Country Schoolmaster: and the like many others. Besides, we live in that Age, wherein Difficile est Satyram non scribere. But the truth is, I being at this time in hand with a serious and laborious work for the Press, ere long to see light; my Printer desired of me, that he might not sit idle in the mean time. Sir I take my leave, desiring to be remembered and recorded among the number of those, who for your own worth and goodness, truly love and honour you. February 19 1636. Yours ever, Mis●maxi●s. To the Reader. AS it is usual in Country, and homely houses, when guests come upon the sudden, to tell them at the porch before hand, what they shall find within; So I here at thy entrance (Ingenious Reader) tell thee there is not so good provision for thy entertainment, as I could wish; wherefore resolvedly with the Cynic I say (who inviting great personages to a dinner of Radishes, Salt and Bread, and being by some blamed) answered, If they be my friends they willbe content with any thing, if only to fill their bellies, this is too good for them. And to say truth, I am sorry I come forth no better provided, I am no ordinary Pamphleter, I would have thee to know; only in Mirth I tried what I could do upon a running subject, at the request of a friend in the Strand: whose legs not so sound as his judgement, enforce him to keep his Chamber, where he can neither sleep or study for the clattering of Coaches: I showed him the Book; he smiled, and only wrote underneath out of Martial. Dum vernat Rosa, dum madent capilli Tunc te vel rigidi legant Catones. Vale quisquis es. To my worthy friend the Author. WHo is it (under thirty) that believes Big-bellied-dublets, made with cloak-bag-sleeves, That would hold pecks a piece? Wings, that below The elbow reached? And for the better show, Every large Button that went down the breast, (Broad as an Half-crown Piece) to grace the rest? When the short breech, not reaching past the knee, (Cross-gartered at the ham) a man might see The Calf apparent; with the anckle-joynts, Not Frenchified (as now) with Aglet points To hide their gouty shinbones; when the ruff Wide, as a Fore Coach-wheel, with starch enough, Wear only in the fashion? A●d (Friend) than Some Coaches w●re in use, but no Sedan: Nor do I think, but if the Customs were T'●ee hurried in Wheelbarrows, t'w●ld appear (In process) well: and they would take the wall Of Carres, of Coaches, of Sedans and all. And wh● can tell, whether't be now a breeding? And may perhaps pr●●e so in Times succeeding. N●● when we l●st discoursed, close by the Mill, Which overlookes the Town from Hamst●d-hill, Thou told'st me of this project; I then said, This thy dispute there talked of, and since made, I thought would apt this age, and further vowed, 'T should be no sooner finished, and aloud. But that I would Commend (as all may se●) It, to the World first: Next myself to thee. Anonymos. A PLEASANT DISPUTE Between COACH, and SEDAN. IT was just, about the time, when the Cuckoo (not daring to come nearer to the City then islington) warned the Milkmaids, it was high time to be gone with their pails into Finsbury: and nodding to the Cheshire Carriars, told them if they made no more haste, they would not reach Dun●table that night; when myself with an English-Tailor, and a Frenchman (who newly were come out of France) where they had spent half a year to learn, and bring home the newest fashions there, to their Ladies here in England) coming down jack-an-apes lan●, we perceived two lusty fellows to justle for the wall, and almost ready to fall together by the ears, the one (the lesser of the two) was in a suit of green, after a strange manner, windowed before and behind with Isen-glasse, having two handsome fellows in green coats attending him, the one even went before, the other came behind; their coats were laced down the back with a greenen-lace suitable, so were their half sleeves, which persuaded me at first they were some cast s●i●●● of their Masters; their backs were harnessed with leather cingles● cut out of a hide, as broad as Dutch-collops of Bacon, whereat I wondered not a little, being but newly come out of the Country, and not having se●ne the like before. The other was a thick burly square set fellow, in a doublet of Black-leather, Brasse-buttoned down the breast, Back, Sleeves, and wings, with monstrous wide boots, fringed at the top, with a n●t fringe, and a round breech (after the old fashion) guilded, and o● his backside an Atcheivement of sundry Coats in ●heir proper colours, quartered with Crest, whelm and Mantle, beside here and there, on the sides a single Es●ut●hion or ●rest, with some Emblematical word or other, I supposed, they were made of some Pendants, or Ba●ners that had been stolen, from over some Monument, where they had long living in a Church. He had only one man before him, wrapped in a red cloak, with wide sleeves, turned up at the hands, and cudgelled thick on the back and shoulders with broad shining lace (not much unlike that which Mummers make of strawen hats) and of each side of him, went a Lackey, the one a French boy, the other Irish, all suitable alike: the Frenchman (as I learned afterward) when his Master was in the Country, taught his Lady, and her daughter French; Ushered them abroad to public meetings, and assemblies, all saving the Church, whither she never came: The other went on errands, helped the maid to beat Bucks, fetch in water, carried up meat, and waited at the Table. I seeing them so hot, and hearing such rough, and disgraceful words to pass betwixt them, and fearing they would presently have mischiefed one another, I earnestly desired the Tailor and Frenchman, to make haste along with me, to part them, and to see the peace kept, as it is the duty of every honest subject; The Tailor fearing his skin, and not having (as the saying is) half the heart of a man, took him to his heels, and run away; the Frenchman, under a colour to fetch the Tailor back again, ran as fast as he, whom to this day I could never set eye on. Seeing myself left to myself, I stepped in to them, and in cool and friendly manner, thus I began. Gentlemen, albeit I am a stranger unto you both, yet the Law of Nations, yea and of Nature too, requireth that humane Society should be maintained, the life of man preserved, and the peace of that Commonwealth, wherein we live, by all possible means advanced; wherefore let me entreat you to forbear one another, if either of you be pleased to intimate unto me, the ground and occasion of your grevance, I will do my best to compose your strife: quarrels, both in this age and Kingdom, are grown poor and ridiculous; and to challenge the field of any man, is either to choose his own death, or an halter: It is true my my friends (quoth I) the times were, if one man had slain another, he might presently have taken Sanctuary (usual also among the jews) or being taken, have put in bail, or fled unto some private friend, where he might have kept out of the way, and have been sheltered, until by means of a Courtier, he had procured his pardon, for a small matter; or else, as in Germany and the Low-countries, have gotten some handsome young wenc● to have begged him for her husband's (for if I be not deceived, they love Englishmen well) but those days are gone, and the necessity of our times, require stricter courses to be taken; otherwise our streets of London, like Leig●, Venice, Paris, Pad●●, Milan, Rome, and other places, would every night, ring with out-cries of bloodshed and murder, especially, being pestered at this time, with such variety of sundry Nations, which till of late was strange to London, but as good luck was, they had no weapons (save one whip) betwixt them both. They hearing me talk sensibly, and but reason, they began to be somewhat pacified; he in the Leather, with brass Studds and Buttons, demanding what I was; I told him I was a piece of a Scholar, and had seen the World abroad in my travels, in many Country's, and was now returned to make use (for the good of myself, The end of Travel. and Country) of whatsoever I formerly had known, or seen; and here-upon I required his name. My name Sir (quoth he) is Coach, who am a Gentleman of an ancient house, as you may perceive by my so many quartered coats, of Dukes, Marquises, Earls, Viscounts, Barons, Knights, and Gentlemen, there is never a Lord or Lady in the land, but is of my acquaintance; my employment is so great, that I am never at quiet, day or night: I am a Benefactor to all Meetings, Playhouses, Mercers shops, Taverns, and some other houses of recreation, for I bring them their best customers, as they all know well enough. This other that offers me the wrong, they call him monsieur Sedan, some Mr. Chair; a Green-goose hatched but the other day; one that hath no legs to stand upon, but is fain to be carried between two, and whereas he is able with all the help and furtherance he can make and devise, to go not above a mile in an hour; as gross as I am, I can run three or four in half an hour; yea, after dinnner, when my belly is as full as it can hold, (and I may say to you) of dainty bits too. Sedan. Sir, the occasion of our difference was this; Whether an empty Coach, that had a Lords dead painted Coat and Crest, as Lion, Bull, Elephant, etc. upon it without, might take the wall of a Sedan that had a Knight alive within it: Coach swore he would prove by the law of Arms, and all Heraldry, he ought to do it. I stood against him, and told him, it was against all Law whatsoever, and that our Master would avouch: hereupon, he threatened to have us all put down, and that I should not pass wheresoever he came, much less have any Precedence. It is true, my name is Sedan, and I am (I confess) a mere stranger, till of late in England; therefore if the Law of Hospitality be observed (as England hath been accounted the most hospitable Kingdom of the World,) I ought to be the better entertained, and used, (as I am sure I shall) and find as good friends, as Coach hath any, it is not his big looks, nor his nimble tongue, that so runs upon wheels, shall scare me; he shall know that I am above him both in esteem, and dignity, and hereafter will know my place better; but in the mean time, I will do nothing without good advice. Neither I hope, will any think the worse of me, for that I am a Foreigner; hath not your Country Coach of England been extremely enriched by strangers: Who in your own opinions, have attained to perfection in any excellent Art, or Science, but they? The benefit this land hath by Strangers. Who makes all your delicate, and most excellent Pommanders and Perfume for our Ladies here, but Italians? Who fits our Lords and Ladies so exactly with variety of fashions, even from the Peruke to the Pump, and Pantofle, as the French? And who so curiously skilful (to the great benefit of this Kingdom) in painting of Paving-tiles for Chimneys, making conceited Babies for Children, Hobby-horses, Rattles, Bristle-brushes chequered black and white, for which we are much beholden to the Westphalian Swine, and Spanish black Hogs: with such variety of Drinking-pots, Beads, and Whistles; to making of which, neighbour Coach, you know not how to turn your hand: Nay, whereas you, five or six hours together, are fain to stand waiting at the Court gate, Playhouse, or you wot where; I am many times admitted into a Lady's chamber, had to the fire, dried, rubbed, and made clean both within and without; but the plain troth is (Coach) I will no longer be made a fool by you; I will have it tried, though it cost me a fall, whither I be as fit to walk the streets as you, or no, and to take my place ever next to the wall, when all the World knoweth, the kennel is your natural walk. I would (quoth I, it is true) have strangers well entreated, but not so to dote on them as ordinarily we do, as if we were guilty to ourselves of such gross ignorance, and asinine stupidity, we should think nothing well done, except an Italian, French, or Dutchman have a hand in it, (the best is) sounder judgements are not infected with this opinion; these are but the Fancies of fools, and women. But I now believe Sedan you are made a free denizen, and may safely pass wh●re you please without any control, or question about your freedom, and think yourself as good as Coach, saving that he hath more liberty than you, going abroad in the Country at his pleasure. For my part I am acquainted with neither of you, only Signior Coach, some twenty, or four and twenty years since I knew you, by the same token your guide was drunk, and had not certain Noble Ladies by my advice, walked on foot over those little bridges between Gormanchester and Huntingdon on foot, they had laid (where you, and your man lay) over the head and ears in a River very deep of Mud: these mischances I confess befall you but sometimes, and that is, when your horses have been watered in a Noble-mans-buttery, or a Merchant's Cellar. Being in this discourse comes whistling by with his Car, a lus●ie tall fellow red-hayred, and cheeks puffed and swollen as if he had been a Li●colne-shire-baggpiper, or a Dutch-Trumpeter under Grobbendonck, in a Canvas frock, a redcap, a pair of high-shooes, with his whip in his hand: I calling ●nto him, he stayed, and asked me what I would, I craved his name, he told me Roger Dudgeon, and that his dwelling was at Puddle-wharf; in good time, (quoth I) you may stand us in good stead to end a controversy here between two strangers, yet I doubt not but you know them wellenough; what are they (quoth he?) why Coach and Sedan, said I, cannot agree for place and precedence. You are a dweller in the City, and may soon end the difference? Car. The Devil agree them for me, I can never go in quiet for them, by day nor by night; they talk of Rattle Snakes in New-England, I am sure these be the Rattle Snakes of old England, that keep the whole City from their natural rest; it is long of them that poor Prentices are raised up (before their hour) to their work, when their Masters who have been hard at it, at the Tavern overnight, would (but for their rattling) have lain till nine or ten; poor Maids who were raised out of their beds to washing or scouring of their Brass and Pewter, cannot take a nap in their shops: Children that go in a morning to school, or of errands in the street, go in danger of their lives. No man having his Chamber near to the street, can be private, or follow his study, Coach, for your noise; and in streets about the Suburbs, and places unpaved, you so bee-dash Gentlemen's Cloaks or Gowns, without all shame and civility; that let a man but come from St. james to Charingcross and meet you in his way, one would swear by his dirty Cloak, he had come po●t from St. Michaels-Mount in Cornwall. I marvel whence we had you at first Coach; if you and all your fellows were on a light fire upon Hounslowe-heath, the matter were not great? Coach. It were better a hundred such rascally Carmen as you were hanged? Carman. Sirrah, you Robin-redbreast, wish your Lady to pay my Master for four load of Billets, which hath been owing him ever since the great snow a twelvemonth ago. Coach. Well jack-sauce, we shall talk with you, when you come back from Tyburn. Car. Nay I prithee Coach go along with me. and I will have done with thee there presently. Coach. Sirrah, goodman rogue, pay my Master for an old Coach-horse, you had to put in your Car; and here's your companion Sedan, almost in as good credit in the City, as yourself. Powel. Does i● talk against i● Master; Powel a Welshman, one of Sedans m●n. pray you Master stay here a little while, while i● run to Shrewsbury, to fetch a Welch-hooke, her great Grandfather gave her father, when her was a great soldier to Sir Rice ap Thomas, at Milford haven, when i● Countryman, King Henry the s●ven came into Wales, it is in Shrewsbury, and lies over her hostesses beds head, at the sign of the Goat and the Green Leek. Sedan● powel; you Welshmen are well t●mper'd, but you smell a little too much of the fire: Mr. Coach of Hackney, hath a calling-card dealt him already; he may walk now whither he will, to Utopia, New England, or the Amazons; The Amazons fought on horseback, with Bows a●d Arrows, & their Semitars. for those Ladies, after they are weary of riding, love to be carried. We Sedans ma● now go quietly by you, without nicknames, nor shall we ever have half those curses of the people, you are wont to have; in every street and lane, we take up less room as we go along; we are of an easier charge, our journeys are short, we carrey no Lackquys, or Footboys, when we are empty, nor have we to do with D●● Turnip, and Peg Burn-it, your ●ilken wenches of Hackney, to car●y them to the Red-Bull, and other Playhouses, to get trading, or Citizens wives to St. Albans, South-mimme, Barnet, Hatfeild, Waltham, I●ford, Croidon● Brainford, and other places, under a colour of seeing their children at nurse to banquet with their sweetheart's and companions, the match being agreed upon a month before; we pleasure the lame, sick, weak, and impotent, women with child, and such as are corpulent and unweldly, and are not able to endure the jolting of a Coach, we defend, and keep Gentlemen, and Ladies from the fog, and rotten mists, that morning and evening arise in Towns and Cities, near to great Rivers, and many other stinking and gross exhalations, which corrupt the lungs (as dews and mists rot sheep) breed long and dangerous Coughs, and Catarrhs; the very breath we breath, being nothing else then ra●ified water: moreover, we are places fit for privacy, or meditation, where a man may read or study, even in the midst of the throng, and open street, which men in Law-suites, and business of weighty importance, oft times stand in great need of; beside, we have our name from Sedanum, or Sedan, that famous City and University, belonging to the Duke of Bovillon, and where h●e keeps his Court. powel. Nay, do you hear me Master, it is from Sedanny, which in our British language, is a brave, fair, dainty well-favoured Lady, or pretty sweet wench, and we carry such sometime Master; but tou soon. Carman. Well, may a man now pass quietly by you both; hayt, stand up there. Coach. Carman be gone, and keep a good tongue in your head, and while you live, give way to your betters. Carman. Never to the Devil's Carter, while I live. Coach. Well well sirrah, there is a place called Bridewell. Carman. Yes marry, where some of your fine carriage hath been lodged many a time and often. Powel. This Rogue will never have done, shall I beat him Master. Sedan. powel by no means, for that's the next way to be beaten ourselves; they are sturdy companions, and there is a world of them about the City. Being all this while in such like discourse as this, the morning began to be well up, and people in the streets to cluster about us, like the ballet-singers auditory, when by chance, came by a plain Country Farmer, who newly it seemed, had passed the Thames (for a Waterman followed him with a bag full of writings or such like) and demanded of me what the matter was, I told him in brief that there were two (well known in the City, Coach and, Sedan) fallen out about superiority, and place, and in a contention, which of them should deserve best of the commonwealth. Waterman. Deserve (quoth the Waterman) they deserve both to be thrown into the Themes, and but for stopping the channel I would they were; for I am sure where I was wont to have eight, or ten, fares in a morning, I now scarce get two in a whole day, our wives and children at home are ready to pine, and some of us are fain for means to take other professions upon us, as some in frosty weather to gather Dog-wood for Butchers, to get burch and broo●●e for besoms, and sometimes to catch birds with lime, or set springs in the marshes for water fowl, honest shifts, it is true, in necessity. But we are an ancient company, and though the last in the rank of companies, yet are we the first and chief in getting our livings honestly (and as God commandeth) with the sweat of our brows, our profession is free from deceit and lying, which many trades are subject unto, and being the most of us strong of body, and skilful upon the water, we are able (and as ordinarily we do) to serve our Sovereign in his fleet Royal, or armies by land, many of us being Western men, of Somerset, Gloucester, Wiltshire, and and other places there about, who generally are esteemed the strongest, and most active men of England, when take one of your common, or hackney coachmen from his box, he is good for nothing except to marry some old Alewife, and bid his old acquaintance welcome, to turn horse-courser, become a Gentleman's bailiff or butler in the Country, or by means of some great man, get a place in an hospital; I speak to show the incertainty of service: not only in regard of them, but others. We serve God and our King only, and some of us for countenance sake, or affection, wear the coats and badges of Noblemen, which dependence impeacheth not our liberties, no whit at all. The Coach upon the least error committed, either mistaking his way in an evening, the falling lame of an horse, though not his fault, breaking of a wheel, overthrowing his coach against an hill side, tree-roo●e, or the like, he is presently sent to seek a new master, yet are some of them grown so proud because they are advanced i● the street above their Lord and Master, they cannot afford us inferior watermens (that labour beneath them in the liquid Element) a good look, or a good word. As for you, Master Sedan, you are the humbler, and I believe the honester of the two, I hear no great ill of you, nor have I had any acquaintance with your cowcummer-cullored men, only I believe you are a close companion: and that you conceal most of our delicate feminine fares, in your boxes by land, that were wont to be our best customers by water, for Coach his seentence is past, and except you tread evenly you may follow after. Countryman. Nay honest waterman give not so rash a censure, we must not gainsay what the state tolerateth, for some reasons perhaps unknown to us, neither will I inquire; my Sedan in the Country is a plain Wheel●barrow, and my Coach my cart, wherein now and then for my pleasure I ride, my maids going along with me, with their Forks, Rakes, and a bottle or two of good Bee●e, with an Apple-pastie, Potted butter, Churne-milke, bread and cheese, and such like, into the fields in Summertime to cock corn, make hay, and the like; and now and then, on Fair and market-days I walk with a neighbour or two to the Fair or Market, to buy, or sell, and having drunk a dozen of Ale amongst us, we come home the same night, scarce feeling the ground we tread on: and if our great Lords and Knights would use their legs as we do, they would not (so many of them) be troubled with the Gout, Dropsies, and other diseases, which grow upon them, through ease, fullness of Diet, drinking many sorts of Wine, and want of bodily exercise; I won●er in my heart, why our Nobility and Gentry cannot in fair weather, walk the streets as they were wont, as I have seen the Earls of Shrewsbury, Derby, Sussex, Cumberland, Essex, Northampton, with most of our Barons, without any disparagement to their Honours. Beside those unimitable Precedents of Courage and Valour, Sir Francis Drake, Sir Philip Sidney, Sir Martin Frobisher, Sir Thomas Bas●ervile, with a number others; when a Coach was as rare almost to be seen as an Elephant: I would our Coached and Caroched Gallants, who think their feet too ●ood to tread upon Mother Earth, had, or were ever likely to deserve so well of their King and Country, or could but show those scars, leave such a testimony of their virtues to after-ages, as these Footmen have done, who were the true sons of Honour: yea and many times have I seen some of them walk to the farthest part of the City and to invite them s●lves in love to di●ne● to ●n Alderman or Merchant's table, and other private houses as they thought good, as the Noble George E. of Cumberland to Master Garrets an Apothecary in Lime-street, Sir Francis Drake to Alderman Martin's in Cheap side, and the rest in like manner, where they were content with such as they found, and were each with other heartily merry, and as truly welcome; having perhaps learned this of A●gustus Caesar, who would leave his Court, and go eat and drink familiarly in the private houses, of his Roman Citizens: for Majesty and greatness (like a bow) cannot stand so long extent but must have (by fits) a relaxation, and as the most daintiest dishes of flesh or fish, have commonly their sauces prepared of mean and course things, as onions, vinegar, water and the like, so privacy and converse with inferiors among great persons, as also homely sports, and exercises, take off and sweeten the tediousness of rugged cares and high employment: as when I was a Grammar-scholler our master to revive our spirits dulled with study, would make us Comedies, and because even now I spoke of Onions I will repeat the prologue of one of our plays, which I myself spoke upon the stage, and it was this. Even as the Duck in river navigable, Is served with Onions to a great man's table; So, will we do our best to give co●te●t, To the meanest of this rascal tablement. Which I pronouncing distinctly, and with a good grace I was mervailously applauded (by clapping of hands) of the multitude; maids tossed apples to me, and our Schoolmasters wife offered me her bottle of Rosa-solis to drink, and I well remember too, at that time a Knight of our Country (who this last year married his Mother's Chambermaid, (and birladie, maintains her in her Coach, with four horses) played the fool most admirably; yea, I knew a Lord, who journeying in the Country, would leap out of his coach, to play a game at stoolball with Country Wenches; and one time above the rest; when a Gentleman of his told him it was passed three a clock, and that they had yet twenty miles to ride, he called for a watch, and set it back to twelve, now said my Lord, we shall have time enough; I will have the other game. And one thing (Coach) I am sure of, it was never good world with us in the Country, since you and your fellows have so multiplied; the Devil of good house is any where kept, where you have to do; and I have observed, where a Coach is appendent, but to two or three hundred pounds a year, mark it, the dogs of that house are as lean as rakes, you may tell all their ribs lying by the fire, and Tom-a-Bedlam may sooner eat his horn, then get it filled with small drink, and for his old alms of Bacon, there i● no hope in the world; I may tell you, some houses of thousands by the year, are become little better; when a poor labouring man that hath perhaps lived all his time in the parish, shall hardly get a load or two of Hay to keep his Cow all winter, but the Bailie tells him his Lady cannot spare it from her own Ki●e, and Coach-horses, and now adays, we must pay two shillings for a peck of Oatmeal, which we were wont to have for sixteen, or eighteen pence, and all long of Coach-horses: before (Coach) you came into request, one of these houses maintained sixteen, or twenty proper tall fellows, to march from the Kitchen to their Master's table, in their blue coats and Cognisances, every man carrying a dish of good meat, either boiled, or roast, now the case is so altered, that the Coachman alone must take upon him three or four of the prime Offices about the house; without doors, he is Gentleman of my Lady's horse, and Coachman; within, he is Butler and chamberlain; and if strangers come, perhaps some poor boy of the Town is sent for to assist him, for the scraping of Trenchers, and emptying chamberpots; who within a day or two must return to the place from whence he came; and if (Coach) your man have ever been versed in brewing, or baking, he must undertake that too; I heard my boy, who is now at Cambridge, say out of Aristotle (which is well observed in your great houses now adays) frustra fit per plur●, quod fieri p●test per p●●●ci●ra. And by the Logical fallacy, Compositionis et divisionis, they will make two eggs pa●se for three, and many times turn away their cook for roasting a whole breast of Mu●ton to breakfast, when he should have roasted but half; as a great man both of rank and revenue, some one or two and thirty years since, set his cook in the stocks at Huntingdon upon the very same occasion, as the cook (fast by the heels) told me himself, all this Coach I can impute to none other than yourself, and your appurtenances; nay, let a man have never so earnest an occasion of business with your Knight or Lady, at your houses, let him come at dinner time, he may knock his heart out ere any body will hear; and indeed, to speak truly, I blame them not, for, Venture non habet aures, saith the old Proverb. I knew a Knight, an especial friend of mine, of himself a free and and a Noble Gentlemany who lay sick of a Burning-fever, or Causos (as the Physicians call it;) and a very skilful Gentleman, both a Physician and a Chirurgeon, being sent unto him by a justice of Peace (his loving friend and neighbour by, in the country) who much tendered his health, the Physician came at night, wring wet in snow and rain, when his Lady was at supper, where he continued knocking, and could not be let in, but was fain that night to take his supper, and lodging at the next Alehouse in the town, and before morning the good Gentleman was dead, whom blood-letting (the present remedy in hot-feavers) that night, by all likelihood might have saved, he being in his best years, strong and able of body, of sanguine complexion, and his spirits not yet spent, or decayed by the vigour of the disease: and most lamentable it is, to see (upon fasting-dais, or in time of Lent) how closely, the poor Eel, Haddock, and Herring are imprisoned, and so strongly kept up, within barred and bolted gates; that if a man would give ●ever so much, as but to speak in private with any one of them, or whisper in his ear, he should not be admitted. And now I speak of whispering, A merry tale of Mackerel. I remember a good fellow of Goose-toft, near Boston, came to a Fish-monger in that market, who had Mackerel to sell (a fish very rare in those parts) and taking up a Mackerel in his hand, whispered in the Mackerills ear, than he laid the Mackerills mouth to his ear; which the Fish-monger observing, said; Friend do you make a fool of my fish, and of yourself too? No, said the fellow, I make bold, but to ask him when he was at Sea, and he tells me not these three weeks, but this by the way. And Coach, twice or thrice a year you must needs make a boon voyage to London with your Lady, under a colour to be new cullourd, guilded or painted, covered, seated, shod, or the like, when her errand indeed is as one saith well, speaking to such Ladies, as love to visit the City. To see what fashion most is in request, How is this Countess, that Court Lady dressed: In a funeral Elegy, u●on the C●u●tesse of Warwick, lately Printed. While ye your beauteous faces, so disguise, We neither see, your forehead, nor your eyes, (That wont the seats, and Indices to be, Of Spirit, Love, and ingenuity. Like Dutch boors houses, where the straw hangs over The low thatched ●aves, & doth th● windows cover. Hence it happens, Coach, that by your often ambling to London, Sir Thomas, or Sir john, sinks (as in a quicksand) by degrees, so deep into the Merchant, Mercer, or Tailor's book, that he is up to the ears, ere he be aware, neither can he be well drawn out without, a team of Usurers, and a crafty Scrivener to be the fore-horse, or the present sale of some land, so that wisemen suppose this to be one main and principal reason, why within a Co●ch journey, of a day or two from the City, so many fair inheritances, as have been purchased, by Lord-Majors, Aldermen, Merchants, and other rich Citizens, have not continued in a name to the third, yea, scarce the second generation, when go far North or Westward, you shall find many families, and names, both of the Nobility and gentry, to have continued their estates two, three hundred years and more, in a direct succession (as in Cumberland, and N●rthumberland, the families of the Gray, Groystocks, Lowthers● Musgraves, with many other in Yorkshire, of the Dacres, Scroope's, Nevell●, Huddlestones, Savill●, etc. The like may be said of Lan●ashire Cheshire, Devonshire, Sommersetshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, and many other places ●at remote from London) without racking or raising of rents; or enclosing of whole Towns, and Lordships: which every where (neighbour Coach) they say is long of you, and your costly carriage. As for you Sedan, I hear no great complaint of you, save that my Wife and Daughter thinks that you have made Say dearer than it was wont to be, for whereas they used to buy it for sixteen pence a yard, you have brought it to two shillings● seven and eight groats, and and none of the best neither, and Co●ch I entreat you if (you being now banished the City) happen to come into our Country of Lincolnshire; let me know of it, that I may remove myself, ten miles off from where you shall have to do: Sedan because you are a stranger you shallbe the welcomer of the two; for as yet you were never seen in our parts. But to be short, my masters agree as you can, I must follow my law occasions, and to tell you true I can skill of neither of you, and so fare-ye-well. Sedan. Coach do ye see, how neither in Country or Citi●, any one can give you a good word, you have carried yourself well in the mean 〈◊〉, have you not● powel. Her would hang i● self before she would have so great deal of ill words in the world. Coachman. Welshman keep you quiet, there is no great fear, or danger of you, but when our Coach-ma●es and horses, are put to grass. powel. Sirrah you Grimalkin, who was a knave and a fool, when your Lady being pig with schild, and could not endure the jolting of her Coach up that s●eepe stony hill beyonnd Ferribrigges in Yorkshire, you made her sell two excellent stout mares, to buy a couple of ambling horses, believing as long as they ambled, she could never be jolted, where was her wit then. Coachman. Well well Wood-pecker, we shall meet with you when time serves. powel. I'll meet her where and when her dare. here I interposed myself and said before the company; truly honest Coach (if I be not deceived in your name) I cannot see but you may pass well enough, concerning that plain Country man and his speech, you must know, that the common people of the Country affect not, very well, the Gentry, nor the Gentry them, there being a kind of Antipathy between them: First they envy Gentlemen, as living more plentifully and at ease then themselves. Invidus al●erius rebus macrescit ●pimis: again they do not greatly love them, because Gentlemen hold them in a kind of awe, and they are fearful to displease them. Oderunt quem metuunt. Thirdly if they be tenants, their rents are often raised, if strangers, they ar● overlaid many times with levies, and payments either to the King, or some public charges and occasion in the Country, and sometimes extraordinary courtesies by great men (their neighbours) are exacted of them, which grumblinglie they yield unto, as borrowing their Carts, to fetch home (five or ten miles off) Stone, Coals, Timber, and the like, sometimes their Cat-tail to Plough their grounds, or help home with harvest, sometime they are troubled with bringing up a whelp or two, till they become ravenous ●ounds, and undo a poor man in his dairy, and if they be faulconer's, they must afford them Pigeons, from their dove-coates, besides New-yeers-gifts, which are conditioned in leases, and with the yearly payments of rent, as Capons, Geese, Hens, Lambs, Coneys, Neates-Tongues, Pigs, Swans, all manner of Fish, and wild-●oule, with a thousand such. I ommit the general murmur, and complaint of the whole Country against them, for depopulation, enclosures, and encroaching upon public commons; nor is it to be forgotten, how in levies, ceasements, and charges of Arms at public Musters, they can befriend themselves, and in the last place (as he said truly, their miserable housekeeping, wherein had they been, free and liberal, they might have made some part of amendes for the rest, but commonly the poor of parishes are fain to be relieved, by the Farmer, Husbandman, and the middle rank, or else they must starve, as many upon my knowledge did this last Snowie-winter. I tax not all, Godforbid, there are numbers left, who with their forefather's lands, inherit their noble virtues, of Loyalty, Fortitude, Bounty, Charity, Love, to learning (learned themselves) and whatsoever is good or excellent. I condemn not, neither, the lawful use of Coaches, in persons of rank and quality, yea and in cases of necessity: no more than I do tilted Boats and Barges upon the water, they defend from all injury of the sky, Snow, Raine, Hail, Wind, etc. by them is made a public difference, between Nobility, and the Multitude, whereby their Armouries without speaking for them, they are known and have that respect done to them, as is due to them: they are seats of Honour for the sound, beds of ease for the lame, sick and impotent, the moving closerts of brave Ladies, and beautiful virgins, who in common sense, are unfit to walk the streets, to be justled to the ke●nell, by a sturdy Porter, or breathed upon by every base Bisogn●: they are the cradles of young children, to be conveyed with their Nurses, too, or from their parents into the City or Country. And if all Inventions have their just, and due praise from the goodness of their Ends, whereto they were ordained; surely the Coach invented for the necessary use and service of man cannot be condemned, if regard be had to those circumstances, of Person, Time, and Place. Paul Tomorree going to the young King, lying at Viceg●ade, to complain of the Friar, used Coaches first, being so called f●om a town where they were made whence they had there name Kot●ze. Their first invention and use was in the Kingdom of Hungary, about the time when Prior George, compelled the● Queen and her young son the King, to seek to Soliman the Turkish Emperor, for aid against the Friar, and some of the Nobility, to the utter ruin of that most rich &c flourishing Kingdom, where they were fi●●t ●alled Kotoze, and in the Slavonian tongue C●riti, not of Coucher the French to lie-downe, nor of Cu●hey the Cambridge Carrier, as some body made Master Minsha● believe, when he (rather we) perfected that his etymological Dictionary, whence we call them to this day 〈◊〉 ●the first (they say) that was seen in England was presented to Queen Eli●beth, by the Ea●●e of A●undel●, but whether it were an open Chariot, or covered over the head as our ●●●●●es now are I doubt, for such a one Queen 〈◊〉 road in, from Sommerset-hou●e to S. 〈…〉 to hear a Sermon, presently upon the victory obtained against the Spaniard i● Eightie-Eight. Master Nowell Deane of Paul's Preaching at that time, when I remember obeing then a Schoolboy in London, about ten years of age) so many Spanish-Ensignes, in triumph were hung up, that the leads of the Church, and houses round about, seemed to be veiled or curtained roundabout with Gold, Silk, and Silver. Sedan. It was a glorious sight indeed. But (quoth I) upon a more glorious occasion. Talking in this manner, unexpected, there comes by a Morris-dance of Countrey-fellows; away goes powel, and takes the Maide-Marian, and the fool along to a Tavern, the promiscuous bystanders left us to follow the Morris-dancers, when there steps in to me, an honest plain Countrey-Vicar, of mine old acquaintance, and claps me on the shoulder, calling me by my name, and saying, It is a wonder to meet you here in London, which I think you have not seen in these dozen years. It is true (said I) and somewhat more, and I find myself to be a great stranger here, for whereas heretofore, I could walk in some one street, and meet with a dozen of my acquaintance, I can now walk in a dozen streets and not meet one, yea both in people and building, I find, N●vam rerum faciem. Vicar. Yes, I dare say since you and I were first acquainted in Cambridge (the world is altered) it is a good while, I was laid hold on in an evening, by our Vice-master D. R. for whistling in the Court; and I told him (and told him truly) I could never whistle in all my life; you made answer, No sir, it was not he; for could he have whistled, his father would never have sent him to Cambridge● meaning, he would have made a plough-boy of me. Let me remember you likewise (said I) of another merry accident when we were boys, and Sophisters in the schools, when you, and two more of your old acquaintance, went one frosty morning to eat Blacke-puddings to breakfast, and wanting a penny of the reckoning to pay ●or an odd pudding (having no more money amongst you all three) you ventured on it, and spit out a single penny that was buried in the Puddings end; so that by wonderful fortune, the pudding paid for itself; and after you declaimed upon, A●daces Fortuna juvat. Vicar. Come, these merry passages are gone and passed, I am heartily glad to see you alive and well. And in good faith (quoth I) I am glad to meet with any of my old acquaintance, they are so rare in these parts. here is a Gentleman, my friend, said the Vicar, who much desireth your acquaintance, he is an excellent Surveior, limmer in Oil, and water colours; beside, a skilful Musician both for song and Instrument, and you are met in a good time: So having saluted one another, I smilingly told them the occasion of mine Idle stay there at that time, which was a neighbourly office of reconciling Coach and Sedan, who in that place, fell foully out with either, opposing each other to the utmost for place and precedence; neither would they yield a jot one to the other, without the mediation of friends. Vicar. Is he in the black, with brazen studds on his sleeves, wings, back, and breast, called Coach? Surveyor. Yes, and I am sure, the other in the green is Sedan; Let me entreat you (quoth I to them both) to talk with them, they will surely hear reason, if one of the Church (which I think neither of them cares for) shall go about to persuade them. Vicar. I will. Sir, I understand your name is Coach. Coach. Men call me so about the Court. Vicar. Out of my love, understanding the time of your execution is at hand, and that quickly you must expect to be turned off; I come to give you the best admonition I can. First, you have been these many years a lewd liver, accompanying yourself with Panders and common Strumpets, bo●h of City and Country. Secondly, you have been suspected for many robberies (I am sure you have heard of Madam * A Lady that robbed in her Coach by the Highway. Sands) for there is not an Highway, street, back lane, or odd corner in the City, or within five miles, but you are well acquainted with the same. Marry are carried in their Coaches to execution. Thirdly, you bring many a one to the gallows. Fourthly, you never ca●ed for the Church, since all sermon-time we hear you hurrying up and down the streets, insomuch, that the Reader of Divine Service, or the Preacher, can hardly hear himself speak for you; or say you bring your Lord, Knight, and their Ladies to Church, you stay in the street, while your man commonly goes to the Tavern, or Alehouse, till service be done. Fiftly, you live not in love and charity one with another, but give one another (if you are crossed in the street, or in a narrow lane) the worst words you can; and another great fault you are guilty of (in the judgement of that late reverend justice, Sir Edward Cook) you will in no place give way to the Car and Cart, your elder brethren. Sixtly, if you have gotten your cup (like jehu) ye drive as if you were mad, and become very dangerous in the night. Surveyor. Mr. Vicar, these are but personal faults, you conceive not what damage the State receiveth by Coaches, and how the whole Commonwealth suffereth in their increase and multitude; now if it please you, I will show you wherein. They first consume an infinite quantity of ou● prime and best leather, which also by reason of the d●cay of Woods, and consequently of bark for Tanners) Leather is grown extremely dear, and hardly that which is principal good, to be gotten for any money. Again, we can hardly have a young Ash grow till he be seven years old, within forty miles of London, but he is cut off before his time for the Coach-makers use, in spokes for wheels, beams, bodies, and the like. Moreover a wonderful quantity, of our best broad-cloths is consumed and wasted, about the lining of Coaches, and their seats. I ommit, other superfluities of Lace, Fringe, Guilding, etc. Last of all, and which is worst of all, and withal speed (if it shall so please his Majesty) to be redressed, the breed of o●r best horses in England, are reserved, or rather bought up in Fairs and Markets, only for the use of the Coach, hence it comes to pass that at any general Muster taken of Horse, you shall see so many arrant jades shown, Scarce one in ten serviceable, some send thither their ordinary saddle Geldings, and Nags, some their Cart-horses, where you shall see their necks and sides miserably galled with collars & traces, and their rider's Servingmen or ploughmen, just answerable to their horses. I speak I confess the more freely, because I know what belongeth to horse-manship, and have been my ●elfe an horseman, and in service beyond the seas, in somuch as I dare say, no Nation in Europe, is more backward and careless in breeding and managing horses, than we in England, God be blessed for our peace, Quid postera ferat di●s nescimus: if it would please his Royal Majesty (which with myself all true Subjects ought from their hearts to wish) to command our Coach-horses, instead of hearing a Coach rattle at their heels, to listen to the Trumpet, I believe the poor beasts themselves would be better pleased, and since they cannot speak, express their joy by bounding and neighing, as they ordinarily do, when they are to go upon service, and are by the Trumpet called to charge the enemy; or if their Noble owners are desirous, to get as good as they can for their Coaches, they should provide as many other, as good fit and able, always to be in a readiness, ●or his Majesty's service. I speak not as if I did altogether, condemn, and disallow of Coaches in the general, we know that the Kings, Princes, and Nobles, of Israel, had their Chariots, equivalent (at the least) to our richest Caroches, it is most fit, ●nd requisite, that Princes, Nobility, the more eminent and abler among the Gentry should be allowed their, C●●ches, and Carriages, and ●ll others who hold ●●y place of Dignity, either in Church ●r Commonwealth, a● our Bishops, the Reverend judges, Doctors of Divinity, Law, Physic with the chief● Magistrates of Eminent and Honourable Citie●●ith others of like and equal rank, but what I pray you ●●e the Coaches of these few, to that multitude at this day in England? when in L●nd●n, the Suburbs, and within fou●e miles comp●ss● without; are reckoned to the ●umber of six ●housand and odd. I easily (quoth I) believe it, whe● i● cert●ine places of the Citie● as I h●ve often observed, I have 〈…〉 I have there, the w●y 〈…〉 with ● C●●●h, t●o o● th●●e, t●at wha● hast, or business soever a man hath he mus● wait● my Lady (I know ●ot whose) le●●●●e (who is in the ne●t shop, buying pendants for her ears or ● colle● for her ●ogge) ●●e he● can find any passage. The mos● eminent places for stoppage, ●●e Paul-ga●e into Che●pside, Ludgate, and Lud-gate-hill, especially whe● the play i● done 〈◊〉 the Pliers, then Hol●or●e-Gundoit ●nd Holborne-bridge, ●●villanou●ly pe●●ered with them, No●●er-la●●, S●●ith-fi●l●, 〈◊〉 Coe-l●ne ●ending all about their new or old mended Coaches, then about the Stocks and Poultry, Temple-bar, Fetter-lane and Shooe-lane next to Fleetstreet; but to see their multitude, either when there is a Masque at Whitehall, a Lord-Majors feast, a new play at some of the playhouses you would admire to see them, how close they stand together, like (M●tton-pies in a Cookes-oven) that hardly you can thrust a pole between. My Masters quoth I, we have a great deal of talk, and discourse all this while about nothing, here comes one that if you will be ruled by me, shall determine the quarrel without more ado, because our occasions call us away, about weightier employments. With that, comes up unto us a lusty tall fellow, sitting upon 〈◊〉 axletree between two monstrous gr●at wheels, drawn by a great old jade blind of an eye, in a leather pilch, two empty beerebarrels upon a brewer's slinge beside him, and old ble●-cap all bedaubed, and stinking with yeast, a●● the spurging of beer, him Coach, and Seda● knew, as soon as ever they saw him (for it seemed they had been old customers of his Masters, and true stakes to the beere-barrell) ●ee seeing them familiarly talking together, I cra●● his name: my name is Beere-car● quoth he; in good time, you may (said I) by me●●es of your 〈◊〉 acquaintance with these two, Coach and Seda●; do a good office and reconcile them, being fallen at difference, who should be the better man, and deserve the most respect, myself and these gentlemen, have laboured what we could herein, yet can we do no good. When according to our relation, he had heard the whole substance of the business, he shook his head, saying, will this never be otherwise, I made you friends once before, when you were together by the ears at Charing-cross, and you vowed to either (and drank upon it) you you'd never square, and fallout again, but Live, and Love as brethren, but let that go if you will once again, wholly refer yourselves to me, and promise before to morrow at night to enter into bond, to stand to my censure and agreement, before these honest-Gentlemen (who are strangers to me) I will set you strait, and make all quiet; are you not mad men, to wrangle and fall out in the street, to draw boys and wenches and every rascal about you, to wonder and laugh at you? Coach this is your fault, you are choleric and cannot forbear; and Sedan, you think yourself so countenanced at the Court, that such a one as myself dare not speak or meddle with you, but I would have you know, I am of ancients standing in England then both of you, I came into England in Henry the Seventh● time, what time I was brought into this land with Music: my brother Al●, is far auntienter then I, and was in England, Beer and ulols de gamba came into England both in one year, B●itāni, potus genus habent quod Alicam vocant. Plini. as I have been told by Scholars, in the time of the Britain's and Romans; but what do we talk of our antiquity, let us boast of our Goodness and Strength, which makes us to be so well thought on, and beloved where ere we come. But let these things pass, are you content to stand to, and here my verdict, and will promise to observe what I in reason shall propound, and so to make a final end of all controversies betwixt you. Coach and Sedan. With all our hearts. Serveior. We are h●●re, th●ee or four, witwitne●●es, and shall carry the news unto your best friends, who surely will be glad of your reconcilement. Vi●●●. Now Master Beere-cart, since you have taken upon you to be ● moderator betwixt ●hem, let us hear th● conditions you mean to propound for their agreement, because we are not like altogether to meet again. Nay (quoth I) ho●e●t ●eere-c●rt, will have a c●re of his credit, a●d do nothing but what shall be just, and right, I dare say. Beere-cart. Nay, if I do otherwise let me never walk upon London stones, or see Saint Kathari●s again, therefore understand me well, and hear what I shall say. First, Coach and Sedan, you both shall reverence and ever give way to Beer (or Brewers) Cart, wheresoever you shall meet him, either in City or Country, as your ancient and elder brother. Secondly. You both again shall be constant customers to Cellars, Inns and Alehouses, as being the upholders, and principal maintainers of Brewers-Cart. Coach, you shall now and then give your man leave to take a nap at noon, especially, when your Lord or Lady, is to see a mask at the Court, my reason is, when he is fast a sleep upon his box, his Curtains are commonly cut off, and his Cushions stolen. Thirdly. See your man give his horses their due allowance, in Hay and Oates, and that he beguiles them not, to maintain his wench, or follow the Tavern, beside charge him to keep their manger clean, without dust or feathers. Fourthly. Moreover give him especial commandment, that while he is drinking Wine, his horses want not water. Sixtly. Again Coach, if your Lord or Master, be disposed in an evening, or any other time, to go to an house of good-fellowship (the rude and unmannerly multitude call such Baudie-houses) and your Lady or Mistress, when you come home, ask where you have been; you shall say, your Lord or Master hath been turning and looking over some Books in a French liberarie. 6. You shall leave altogether your old wo●nt, that is, when your Knight or Lady or both, are gone to the Church, suffer your man to go to the Alehouse and there to stay, till prayer or Sermon be done, but see him a God's name go to Church, to learn to serve God better, and to mend his manners. 7. Your man also shall leave that old knavish trick, of tying a horse hair very strait, about the pasterns of your horse feet (which presently will make him halt) then to tell your Master he is lame, and will not serve his turn, procuring after some horse-courser to buy him at an under price; then sell him again, and after you two share the money betwixt you. 8. Speak well of Watermens, and offer them no wrong, beside know they are a Corporation, and boats were before Coaches; I will undertake for them not to hurt you, they are my friends, and acquaintance, and I deal much in their Element. 9 If your Lord or Knight, be invited to my Lord Majors, the Sheriffs, or any other great or eminent man's house to dinner (because we know not in these times who we may trust) let your man be sure to search and examine the cellar well, for fear of Treason. 10. If Coach, you happen to go to a Christening, or any public banquet, see that you turn your man lose like an Hog, under an Appletree, among the comfitts and sweetmeats, and let him shift. 11. Leave in any case that ill custom ye have of running over people in a dark night, and then bid them stand up. 12. In Term times, you shall drive in the streets fair and softly: for throwing dirt upon gentlemen's cloaks, and Lawyers gowns going too, and coming from Westminster. 13. You shall have an especial ●are, of little children playing in Summer time in the streets, greene's, highways, and such places, you shall endeavour to keep yourselves sober, from over much drinking, for by Coachmen overtaken with drink, many have lost their limbs, yea some their lives. 14. You shall carry none without leave, of your Lord, Lady, or Master. 15. You shall not Coach (as you are accustomed (take up into you every groom, and lackey, to lie tumbling with his dirty feet upon your Lord's Velvet, or cloth Seats, and Cushions, but let their legs carry them in the open street, with a mischief. 16. You have a trick, and custom (which I wish were amended and reform) that if your Knight or Lady be out of the way from home, out of the City, for some spending money to carry tradesmen's wives, waitingmaides and young-wenches: sometime to Brainford, to Barnet, Tottenham, Rumford and such places, to meet, and to be merry with their sweetheart's, while all the way they go, they sit smiling and laughing, to see how the poor inferior sort foot it in dirt and mire, and hereby they grow so proud, that ever after they accounted themselves companions for the best Ladies. 17. Coach, if you are to go a journey, twenty, thirty, or more miles into the Country; see that you are provided of all necessaries● that your Lady and her women may stand in he●d of by the way, you know what I mean, and never be unprovided of a bottle or two, of the best Strong-waters. 18. You shall be no hindrance to poor people, who shall demand and ask the charitable alms of your Lord or Lady, much less revile them, or lash them over the fa●es with your whip. 19 And honest Coach, at my request, be very careful in going over 〈◊〉 places, quicksands, unknown waters, and narrow bridges. 20. If a man of manlike behaviour and fashion, casually fall lame by the way, or by some accident be wounded, whereby he is unable to travel, you sh●ll out of Christian Charity, imitating the good Samaritan, take him up, help him wherein you can, & ●ar●y him ●o hi● Inn. 21. You shall offer your brother Sedan no manner of wrong, but entreat him with all love and friendship, giving him the wall, you keeping your natural and proper walk, the middle of the street. 22. Lastly you shall be affable and courteous to all, endeavouring to get the good will, and good word of every one, especially your fellows in the house, that having the love of your Master and Lady, they may settle you in a Farm of theirs in your old age, and marrying the Chamber maid, ever after give them leave to lash that will. So much brother Coach for you; now honest Sedan, something I have to say to you, though not much. First as you tender the love and friendship of your Brother Beere-Car●, observe these rules and admonitions. You shall from this time forward, live with Coach in perfect Love and Amity, to defend and help him in all casualties, and evermore to speak well of him behind his back. You shall never carry any infected person. You shall never take into your charge, any one that is beastly drunk, at any Tavern or Alehouse, but rather give a Porter leave to carry him to his lodging, in his Basket. You shall not meddle with any Exchang-Wenches, Sempsters, or hand-some Laundresses, to carry them to any Gentleman's private Chamber or Lodging, ther● to show their wares and commodities. You shall never endanger yourselves with carrying matters of great charge, as Money, Plate, jewels, Boxes of evidences, writings and the like. You shall never carry Coachman again, for the first you ever carried was a Coachman, for which you had like to have suffered, had not your Master been the more merciful. You shall see your bottoms be sound, that gross and unwieldy men slip not thorough. You shall carry no manner of Beast for any man's pleasure, Bears-Whelp, Surbated-Hound, Baboon, Musk-cat, or the like. You shall have an especial care to keep your Chairs, clean and sweet, both within and without; suffer no Tobacco, which many love not, to be taken in them, and wish the Painter, to add to his Verd ' grease and linseed-oil, in his painting, a small quantity of the Oil of spike, for the better smell. And ●ince the weakest goes to the wall, take you the wall I charge you, of all Porters, Bakers, Costermongers, Carm●n, Coaches, and in a word, of all in general, saving Beere-Car●, who after you are wearrie, and tired, will be at hand to do you any manner of servi●●, especially to revive your decayed spirits. And last of all with which I will conclude; because at the Court you are friendly used, and often times admitted within the gates, (which your brother Coach never is) you shall take nothing at any time, for carriage of the King's great Porter. Surveyor. But Master Coach, what say you to a late Proclamation, that is come out against you, and your multitude? Coach. It concerns not us who follow the Court, and belong to Noblemen, it is chiefly for the suppressing my neighbour's of Hackney, who are a Plague to City and Country; it had been the better for us, if it had come out seven years' ag●e, for being, we shall (I hope) be better rewarded, and better respected. I have read I remember in Herodotus, of Sesostris, a Tyrant, King of Egypt, who causing four Kings whom he had taken prisoners to be yoked together by the necks, & to draw his chariot; one of these Kings, ever and anon cast back his eye, and looked over his shoulder to the Charriot-wheele, which the Tyrant observing, demanding of him the reason why he did so; the captive King made answer, Quia in rota, video statum humanum: Because in this wheel, I see the state of man: The spoke of the wheel, that was even now aloft, is now at the bottom, and below (as we ourselves are) and that below, anon gets up to the top, Sesostris knowing this to be true, and fearing his one estate (being as others subject to change and mutability) forthwith released them of their bands & set them at liberty. So Coach, you men that were aloft, and above others, they must like (the spokes of their wheels) come below; and why not? but by some other profession and calling, mount as high again: Lucan. — Sic sors incerta vagatur, Ferique ref●rtque vices, ●t hab●●t mortalia c●sum. Serveyor. Well Gentlemen Coach, and Sedan, are you both pleased with those honest propositions (tending to a perpetual reconcilement, of one to the other) made by Beere-cart, so that here after you will bear no grudge, one to another, but speak kindly at your meeting, salute one another, as you pass, and in a word do all good offices you can one for another, that ye may no more make yourselves laughing stocks to the world. Coach, and Sedan. We will with all our hearts, and Gentlemen we thank you heartily, for the pains you have taken, and especially, you Master Vicar. Well Gentlemen (quoth I) we have now done a good office, and Beere-Cart, they are much beholding unto you. Surveyor. So are we; for you have made us wiser than we were, in understanding the abuses, and misdemeanours either of them are subject unto, for which we, and the world shall heartily thank you. Beere-Ca. I could indeed say much more, but I am in good hope of their agreement, and they will not fail but visit our house three or four times in the week, to see how their brother Beere-cart does; and with what liquor he is laden. So now (quoth I) we have made (honest friends, and good-fellows, Coach and Sedan) an end of your business; Mr. Surveyor, and honest Master Vicar, we will go dispatch our own: which way lies your way? Survey. To Westminster-ward, we both go. And I into the Strand; and for this merry meeting, and old acquaintance sake honest Vicar, and Master Surveyor, I have for you a quart of the best Canary in Westminster, which I think is at Mr. Thomas Darlings (a very honest man) at the Three-tunnes by Charing-cross. We will bear you company (quoth they) and so we three, (leaving the other) departed. But in going along, to beguile the way, we fell I know not how, into discourse, what alteration in commonwealth, Cities, Countries, Buildings, manners of Men, and Fashions in apparel, the Revolution of Time, contrary to the opinion of man, brought forth; the Vicar earnestly maintaining the latter times to be the wisest; as I stiffly maintained the contrary against him. His first Argument was; that we in our age have more learning than ever, Ergo, more wisdom. I denied his antecedent, replying, Quod efficit, tale, majus est tali: meaning the Ancients who were our Masters, aledging Chaucer: Whence cometh this new Corn, men have from year t● year, Out of old fields, old men saith, And when●e cometh this new learning that men teere, Out of old fields, in good faith. Secondly, The Inventions of latter times far excelled those of former; I denied that also. He instanced Guns, PRINTING, Watches, Windmills, etc. Against these, as rare, I opposed Archimedes his Burning-glasses, wherewith he fired Marcellus ships from Syraecusa; the perpetually burning Lamp, made of the Spirit of Gold; malleable Glass; Dying of that highly esteemed Purple; that rare manner of guilding called * Let common Schoolmasters observe this, who take Pyropus in Ovid, for a Carbuncle or great Ruby. Pyropus, mentioned in Pliny, wherewith those round balls on the top of the Roman houses, shone like fire; with many other, which are lost and forgotten. Surveior. And I am persuaded we have had many rare Inventions, even here in England; which are forgotten, or quite out of use. Yes quoth the Vicar, four especially, Daggers, Flatcaps, French-hoods, and Codpieces; But here we broke of our discourse, being at the Tavern door, the period of our journey. FINIS.