A MERRY DISCOURSE OF MEUM, AND TWM, OR, MINE AND THINE, Two cross Brothers, that make Strife and Debate wheresoever they come; With their Descent, Parentage, and late Progress in diverse parts of ENGLAND.  
By H. P.  
LONDON,  
Printed by the Assigns of T. P. for J. Clark, and are to be sold at his Shop, under Saint Peter's Church in Cornhill. 1639.   

TO THE READER.  
REader whosoever. If many and great judgements have descended from their high employments, to please themselves at leasurable hours, with light exercises and mirthful recreations as Sr Thomas Moor did, when he penned his Utopia, Erasmus his praise of Folly, Fannius his Nettle. I trust thou wilt hold me excused who at this time having no employment at all, have made this relation of the late Progress of Meum, and Tuum, two Foot-posts, that dis-ease the whole Kingdom, set at strife Lords and their Tenants, Clergymen and their Parishes, Citizens and Country Chapmen, Innkeeper's and their Guests, Carmen and Coachmen about the way, Pedlars for their standings at Fairs, Gamesters in the Bowling-alleys, Water-bearers at the Conduit, in a word, men of all estates and condition, one with the other. I am informed they mean shortly to visit all the Shires in England and Wales, and in those Shires every Market Town, to follow all Assizes, to get acquaintance among Proctors in all Spiritual Courts, and where they cannot be themselves, to send their Deputies; So that at their next return to the City, I shall know their full intent; which (with what hath passed since their last being in the Country) I will from their own information hereafter (as near as I can) relate. Vale.  
H. P.   

A MERRY DISCOURSE OF MEUM, AND TUUM, OR, MINE, and THINE.  
MEum and Tuum, borne at a Town called Wrangle in Lincolnshire, are very anciently descended, for they can produce their Pedigree, from shortly after the building of the Tower of Babel. Plutus was the first of their Family, who took to Wife Eris, the Daughter of Rhadamanthus, Lord Chief justice, and judge of Hell; she was a woman of a very contentious spirit, eager of Revenge for the smallest wrong done unto her, she was a slanderer of all good Actions, a deadly enemy to Charity, but most of all she hated Unity and Amity among neighbours and friends: if she held in with any, they were Witches and Soothsayers, for, of all others, these were most inward with her, and of her counsel, by whose assistance she did much mischief in the world.  
Plutus had by her four Sons, and three Daughters; who sucking their Mother's manners, with her milk, grew so quarrelsome and contentious, that one house could not hold them, but needs they would betake, and divide themselves, into the four parts of the world, viz. Europe, Africa, Asia, and America, where since their Posterity is grown so numerous, that you shall come no where, but you shall find whole Nations, City, sprivate Families, and persons at odds, and together by the ears, upon one occasion or other.  
And without question, a race of this Family have been in our Country of Great Britain ever since it was first inhabited, ever and anon disturbing the peace and quiet thereof, (though it hath lain undiscovered) even from the Triarchie after Brute (if you believe there was a Brute) unto the time of the Romans, so to the Heptarchy of the Saxons, the coming in of the Danes, after of the Normans, to our present times.  
And to make this probable, not many years ago, there was an ancient man, whose name was Harpax, dwelling in Wrangle aforesaid; whose ancestors, as he said, were Welshmen, and could derive their pedigree from presently after Noah's flood; and oft he would report, that they were the most ancient Gentlemen of that part of the Country where they dwelled; but so apt to quarrel one with the other, and to set whole Countries and Kingdoms at odds, that, what with mutual brabbles, and many times single Duels, together by siding with contrary factions, (as the houses of York and Lancaster) they in time were worn out, that only himself and another brother (who went to live far North) were remaining alive.  
Upon what occasion Harpax left Wales, to come to live in those parts, it is unknown; it may be the goodness of the Soil, and the benefit of the Fen on the one side, and the Sea Marshes (so commodious for feeding of sheep) on the other, were the motives of his leaving Mountainous Wales: but howsoever the matter is not great.  
This Harpax was extremely, and beyond measure covetous, and miserable, and as great an Usurer as was in those parts, beloved of none, but equally hated of poor and rich; for it was never known that he gave an alms at his door, or elsewhere, in all his life. I have heard, that when he was made Churchwarden of his Parish, he collected ten Groats to a Breve, for a Town that was burned in Yorkshire; and hereof he reserved sixteen pence to himself. He never would eat Butter with his Egg, so long as it was at three pence the pound in Wa●●flet Market; for he thought the price too high. And at the beginning of winter, because the Draper should not be a gainer by him, he would hang Dogs for their Skins, and suit himself with their Leather.  
His wife was as bad, or rather worse; and took upon her to tell of things that were stolen, or lost; whereby she deceived a number of poor people, taking of them Bacon, a Cheese, a Hen, or such like, for telling them in whose possession they were, and by whom they were conveyed away, accusing those that were innocent, whereby, much trouble and discord arose among neighbours, yet none durst question her for the same, for her husband was rich, and consequently, powerful, and able to prevail with those, who should reform these and such like abuses  
This Harpax and his wife, had only two sons, who were twins, borne at one birth; who not a whit degenerating from their predecessors; for shortly after their birth, they would seem to wrangle for the Mother's breast, and grown bigger, they would scratch and take hold one of another; then, after two or three years, fall out about milk, bread and butter; and grown great boys, at play about counters, or points, insomuch, as they never were without blue eyes, or scratched faces; and so unhappy they were, that no other Children would keep them company; yea, they were charged so to do by their Parents, if they meant to live in quiet, and keep their estates, when they were men. On the working days (for at home they had little to do) they used to go with fisher men to the Sea, whom they made to fall out daily, about setting their stakes, removing of nets, and division of their fish. Fairs and Markets they haunted continually, and set Gentlemen, playing at Cards or Tables, at difference about a chance thrown, laying down a stake, or a dealed Card mistaken, and the like. Nay, they set their own Father and Mother at odds, in so much not they, but the whole Country grew weary of them. Old Harpax thought, if they stayed at home continually with him, they would eat him out of doors; the Mother thought, they might bring her in question for a Witch, and so to a shameful end; the Parish intended, at the next press to have packed them away for Soldiers: but a Gentleman of good rank, and one who had been abroad, living in the Parish, would not agree hereunto; for (quoth he) they are by nature so contentious and quarrelsome, they will raise a mutiny, and so overthrow the whole Army.  
In brief, their Father resolved to be troubled no longer with them, but to send them into the world, to seek their fortunes, and rather forthwith while the Summer lasted, the weather was fair, the days long, and (if extremity constrained them) while there was means to get something in the field, as by Hay-making, sheepshearing, shocking of Corn, pitching the Cart, and the like; hereupon, aswell for lightness in hot weather, as saving his money, he clad each of them in a parchment suit, made of old Bonds and Leases out of date; the large black lines served for lace, and the waxen seals for buttons; for hats they had two old Monmouth Caps their father brought out of Wales, wherein they stuck a Fen-Cats-taile or two; weapons they had none, save each of them a broom staff in his hand, with some small sum of money in their pockets: and thus accoutred, out of doors they go (without either ask their Parent's blessing, or once bidding them farewell) on their intended voyage, bidding their sweet and native soil of Wrangle (for how long they knew not) a friendly adieu.  
To make a topographical description of this Town, (by way of digression) it standeth seven miles beyond Villam Butolphi, alias, Boston, at the hither end of the spacious and fruitful Marsh, well known for the plenty of the biggest and fattest sheep of England; it is adjoining to that arm of the Sea, called by Ptolomey, Metaris Aestuarium; it was sometime a Market Town, and in the time of Canutus the Dane, it had a fair Haven, which since the Sea hath forsaken, and is now toward the Sea filled up with sand, and upon Land become a deep valley, wherein grass groweth, and is common for their sheep. But to return to Meum and Tuum: away they went, not gone many miles, but they fell together by the ears, about a shoeing-horne; Tuum averring that it was given him by his Mother, in stead of her blessing; Meum protested it was his Fathers, and he had kept it ever since he was married, they could not agree about it; in brief, after many bitter and unbrotherly words, they resolved one to leave the other; so Meum went one way by Sea over to the Icenians, and Tuum by land another: but see how it happened, after some three week's absence one from the other, it was Tuum's hap to come to the same Town, among the Icenians, where Meum had placed himself with a Proctor of a Spiritual Court thereabout; this Proctor dwelled in a Parsonage, which he farmed of an old Parson, who was a Bachelor, and had been a Priest in Queen Mary's time; keeping only a Curate to read prayers. The Proctor finding Meum to be pregnant and witty, taught him the grounds aswell of the Civil as common Law, caused the Curate to read the Grammar unto him, that being grounded in the Latin, he might be fitted as a Clerk or Notary to write under him: the Curate, I must tell you, was no great Scholar, or ever graduate in any University, but with long teaching School in the Church, he became perfect in his rules: preach he could not, neither lay he in the parsonage house (which was miserably fallen to ruin, the Barns, Stables, and Dove-coat, being only propped up, and both unwalled and untiled) but he had a Flock-bed upon a pallet in the Steeple of the Church, which was both his Chamber and his Study; the Press wherein he laid those books he had were holes in the walls, where jackdaws had formerly bred; neither did the Bells trouble his study, or his sleep, for they rang not to prayers from one end of the week to another, except upon the Sunday, and then not till ten a clock. Meum being thus entertained, and having gotten an handsome black suit, which his Master bestowed upon him; he became in no long tract of time very skilful in his practice, and marvellous cunning in the way of suing and citing men into the Court, for the least misdemeanour, as it shall by the sequel appear. News was brought to the Proctor his Master, how that a Farmer in the Parish had sold a Sow and eleven young Pigs, on purpose to cheat him of his tithe: Meum draws a citation, to call this man to answer it the next Court day at Icenium. Tuum in the mean time, was by strange fortune entertained by an Attorney dwelling in the same Parish, but a mile and an half off from the Church, who also took a great liking unto him, and made him an under Clerk under another, that he might get experience, learn to make Bonds, and Leases; and having likewise well clothed him, (now ashamed of his parchment suit) he gave him Littleton's Tenors in English to read, with Doctor and Student, and such like, to initiate, and bring him to knowledge: to be short, Meum grew not so experienced and cunning one way, but Tuum as crafty in another. Now this Attorney being a subtle Fox, took the Parish part against the Proctor, in any suit that fell between the Parson and the Parish, concerning matter of tithe. Tuum, whither he had learned so much from his Master, or some other had instructed him, comes to him that ought the Sow and Pigs, and tells him, he had learned that the custom was in that country, that if the tithe Pig were not marked for the Parson, within eight days after the farrowing (as it was not) the owner might lawfully sell off the Pigs, without paying Tithe at all: this suit, through the instigation of Meum on the one side, and Tuum on the other, began earnestly to be followed and defended: but an honest and a quiet minded Gentleman, who loved no strife among honest neighbours, laboured to make all parties friends; and it had been then presently effected, but for Meum and Tuum, (who did vehemently ever oppose each the other) Now in the mean time the old Parson dying, the suit ceased, and all became friends. Now to the late old Parsons living was presented a young man, a Mr. of Arts of Cambridge, who was as diligent in his place, as his predecessor was remiss; for he preached every Sabbath, and Catechised in the afternoon, reading prayers every Wednesday and Friday, observing the Canons duly in every thing; and which crowned his other good parts, he was a great lover of Peace and Unity among his neighbours, and could not endure any wrangling, or brabbling among his Parishioners: so that hearing what contention and strife had lately been kindled in his Parish, through the means of Meum and Tuum, of whom he had notice, and how that they lived in his Parish; he resolved by all means to rid the Town of them. They on the other side, seeing now all things tending to peace and quietness, and little left to set them on work (for as Eels in mud, Beetles in dung, and Swine in the mire, they delighted in nothing but base brabbles, quarrels, and suits in law) and well knowing, they in that Country had gained experience sufficient, pour passer par tout, and to set a a whole Country together by the ears, they resolved forthwith to travel towards London, and to go by Cambridge: forward they go, and the first night they take up their Lodging in an Inn, in that ancient Town called of the Romans Sitomagum; here they stayed four or five days, one lying at the one end of the Town, and the other at the other: but in this little space of their stay, they made work a twelve Month after, for all the Lawyers within ten miles of that place: for they set the Lords of two neighbouring Towns at odds; yea, two Swinheards of the same Towns, who beat one another fearfully, about their Swine trespassing one upon another's Common: and another accident happened, whiles they were in that Town. A certain bailiff, did use to impound and take waifes and strays of all manner of cattle, as fell within that Lordship; on a time, there were taken up as strays, two Milch Kine, and an Ox: the bailiff to cheat the owner, (if at any time he came to inquire for Beasts) had this trick; he would provide a great Rye loaf, taken hot out of the Oven, and put it upon the Beasts horns, whereby he would bend them which way he listed; if they grew narrow, he would make them wider; if they declined backward, with his hot loaf, he would bend them forward; so that when the owner came to challenge his cattle, he knew them not, for he would say; surely the brand, and the eare-marke is mine; but my Cow, or Ox's horns stood another way, this beasts horns, hang in his forehead, mine stood upright; but surely it is as like my Cow as ever I saw: so the honest man that owned them, durst not challenge them, but they fell as a cheat to the Lord, rather to the Bailiff.  
This trick being discovered to Meum and Tuum, by some who had practised the like; Meum growing acquainted with the owner, importuned him to sue the bailiff: Tuum persuaded the bailiff to sue the owner, for giving out threatening words against him, and laying claim to that, which he could not justify for his; but the bailiff being an old and a constant Guest to the Hostess, where Meum lay, (who was a very handsome Lass) She undertook they should be all friends, and shake hands, and upon that condition, She vowed to bestow a good piece of Beef, a dish of Eggs, and a Gallon of nappy Ale for a breakfast.  
Meum and Tuum got nothing hereby, for the world was now grown wise, and honest neighbours ended their strife and differences among themselves; so that although they had gotten skill sufficient in these parts, yet they had gained little for their maintenance and livelihood. Hereupon they resolved to visit the famous University of Cambridge, and to see if they could meet with any of Wrangle at Sturbridge Fair (for it was now after Bartholomew-tide) and going on their way, they come to a Town called QVI, where they went into an honest Alehouse to drink (for the weather was yet warm,) here they found the Clerk of the Parish, a Suffolk Cheesemonger, and a Baker of Chesteron, exceedingly jovial and merry, for they had spent eleven Groats in sheare Ale only, beside Cheese and Bread, which the Suffolk man and the Baker had of their own: a reckoning being called for; the Baker, who had long served that house with bread, denied that it came to so much, for, quoth he, Hostess, for every Pot that came in, I unbuttoned a button; so that here are not so many, as you say we have had Pots; but the truth is, the Baker being half foxed, had not so many buttons at his Doublet, as Pots were broughtin; but the Hostess would have her reckoning.  
Meum and Tuum hearing this difference between the Hostess and Baker, began to devise how they might interpose themselves, to come clear off, for what they had called for in the house, and get somewhat more to bear charges. Meum, while the Baker stepped out of Doors, came and whispered him in the ear, and told him, that he was an Informer, lately come from Bury, and was going by Cambridge towards London, and that if he would keep his counsel, he would teach him how to be even with her, for the smallness of her Pots, being under the allowance of the Statute, so that he might see them filled, and so take his oath safely; the Baker calls in for half a dozen more, and drinks an Health to Meum: Meum again to the Parish Clerk; he to the Cheesemonger; so the Baker well pleased, fetcheth from his basket two Manchets, and gets Cheese of the Suffolke-man, and bids Meum fall to and welcome. The Hostess, not suspecting any judgling or Treason against her at all, sits quietly, talking in the Kitchen with Tuum; who having overheard those ill words the Baker gave her, and his misreckoning; calls her on the one side, and tells her in private, that he was a promoter, belonging to the Exchequer, and by his oath and office, he could not choose but inform against the smallness of his Bread, wanting in every penny Loaf two Ounces (for they borrowed Scales and sealed Weights, to weigh it, at a Chandler's in the Town) the Hostess finding herself to have been cheated, for many years together; willingly consented to be revenged upon the Baker: Tuum takes the day and year in his Table Books, faithfully promising the Hostess, forthwith to inform; and that for his part, he would freely bestow his part of the Fine upon her, as pitying her loss, for so long a time: The Hostess, with a low curtsy, thanks him heartily: hereupon Tuum called to pay; truly not a penny, if it were twice as much, quoth the Hostess; with that she fetched forth a quarter of a roasted Pig, and a dish of new gathered Damsins, with a Mazer of good Ale, wherein she poured a little cup of Anise-seede water, and drank to Tuum, desiring him to know her house another time; he promised he would. So calling his Brother Meum from the Baker's company, to set forward toward Cambridge, the Clerk of QVI desired Tuum to stay but a little, and knocking upon the Table with the Church-door Key, called for a Cap of Cambridge beer, and drank to Tuum, craving his name; he told him; I am his Brother, quoth Meum; in good time, quoth the Clerk, came you not out of the Land of Pronouns? and have you no relation to our Town of QVI? no, quoth Meum, your Town should rather have relation to us, for every Grammar Boy knows, that QVI is a Pronoune Relative, and we are Possessives; in good time, quoth the Saffolke man, we have too few of you in our Country, (when indeed they had too many) but the day being far spent, Meum desired to be going; but the Baker following him out of doors, spoke something in secret unto him, and very likely gave him something to follow his suit; howsoever they all parted in a friendly manner, they going their several ways, and Meum and Tuum for Cambridge.  
Being come to Cambridge in very handsome and civil apparel (for they had long since, sold their parchment suits to a Tailor for Measures) like wise Travellers, the first thing they did, they enquired for, and took up their Lodging, which was (an Emblem of themselves) at he Two Wrestlers in the Petit-curie, where having taken up two several Beds, they were quiet and merry, for that night; the next day they went abroad to view the Town, and especially the ruins of the Castle, built by William the Conqueror, Pythagora's School, and the Round Church, sometimes a Synagogue of the jews, the Nunnery of Saint Radigunde, now converted into jesus College, and not far beyond, that sometimes fair and well seated Abbey of Barnwell, built by Sir Paine Peverell, Standard-bearer to the Conqueror, returning back, they visited the Colleges; and one showed them Erasmus his Chamber and Study, in Queen's College, where he lay while he was in Cambridge, as appeareth by many of his Epistles: but above all other, they desired to see the common Schools, and desired to hear the Disputations, and wranglings of Sophisters; with some of whom after they had acquainted themselves, they learned all the rules of Arguing, with the Nature of Syllogisms, and every Fallacy, whereby they enabled themselves, for reasoning pro & con in all places, and upon every occasion; and were now became able to entangle any Adversary, or Opposite in Logical limetwigs. Now having well viewed the University and Town, and being furnished with Latin and Logic, enough for the practice of the Law, they take their leaves, and to London forward by Trompington they go: being gone some ten miles from Cambridge on their way; they espied many people at a Towns end, gathered in a cluster together, about a Peartree, that grew in the midst of an hedge, and amongst them the Clerk of the Parish. Meum wondering to see them there, could not devise what the occasion might be; quoth Tuum, surely there is a Swarm of Bees in the Tree: that time of the year is past, quoth Meum, it may be there is some Foxe-earth, Hedgehog, or the like; nay, then why should the Clerk be there? he hath no skill in Foxe-hunting; it may be, sometime he will follow the Hounds for his recreation: but the truth was, indeed that Peartree was in controyersie between the owners of the Closes, on either side of the Hedge, and they in contention, who should have the Pears; the Vicar knowing not of whom to demand the Tithe of that Tree, attended there, till the controversy was ended; those people were ancient men and neighbours, who came to ma●● peace, and to testify 〈◊〉 whom ●s they thought the right lay: Meum and Tuum argued the case, as Lawyers, and concluded after a long dispute, that some lusty fellow in the company should go up, and shake the Tree, and what Pears fell on either side the Hedge, should be theirs who owed the grounds, and those that fell in the Hedge, should appertain to neither of them, but all should go to the Vicar, for his Tithe: they were all contented, and so carrying Meum and Tuum to their Alehouse, which was hard by the Church-stile, at an old Widdow-womans', they gave them great thanks, with the courtesy of their Town, and to boot, their pockets full of Pears.  
Forward they go, and at last get to London, a place they long longed to see, especially Westminster, and the Courts there in Term time: wherefore they resolved to lodge and place themselves thereabout. Meum took a Chamber in Theeving-lane: Tuum, a little dark room, that had but one window, no bigger than a Cat might creep through, hard by Hell, near to the upper end of Westminster-Hall: being provided of their lodging, the next day they had an humour (having yet nothing to do,) to go see a Bearbaiting, over the Water; but coming to Westminster Bridge, they found the Watermens pitifully fallen out, and railing one at another, and almost together by the ears, about their Fares; one crying out, Sir Thomas, or Sir Henry, I am your first man, here's your worship's Boat, I carried you to Brainford last Thursday: they seeing the Gentlemen so vexed, with haling and calling on every side, with such a thunder of several tones, that were able to make a man more deaf than the Cataracts of Nilus; Tuum craves silence of them, and thus speaks to the Gentlemen in private; Gentlemen, quoth he, it is now Vacation, and the deadest time thereof, and I suppose you are going over the water, as we are, I will tell you, for a quart of Wine, and a peck of Oysters on the other side, I will lay a Spell under this Bridge, where the Tide shall not wash it away, that as long as it is there, from hence forward, the Watermen every Vacation shall be silent and of very few words, and during the Term they shall have the gift of curing all that are thick of hearing; the Gentlemen, being ingenuous and free, condescended; and I have heard, the same Charm or Spell lieth under Westminster Bridge yet.  
But now come over to the Bear-garden, and seeing the manifold contention and quarrels between the Bearwards and the City Butchers, for the first turns, or courses with their Dogs, all having promiscuously paid their money, and were ready with their bats to knock one another down; Meum began to give hard language to the Bearward, taking the Butcher's part: a Bearward (as they are fierce and choleric) like their pupils, the Bears) strikes at Meum with a good Crabtree cudgel; he to avoid the blow, fell backward, quite over a Bears back; herewith the Bear fell a roaring: Tuum (whose back was turned) looking behind him, and seeing Meum, as he thought, felled to the ground and slain, and verily believing it was he that roared, when he fell, run, as if he had been frantic, out of doors; and as he came hastily by where a Bull was baited hard by, (such was his hard fortune, that) to avoid the press of the people, he came within the Bull's reach, the Bull being become furious and mad, with many blows, Dogs, slitting his ears, and the like, runs full at Tuum, and with his horn taking hold of his Breeches, tossed him up; but Tuum having but one point, that broke, and his Hose fell about his heels; which made all the standers by forget the Bull, to laugh at, or pity him: away then goes Tuum to the water side, and taking a Boat, leaves Meum to follow at his leisure.  
The same night both meeting with either at Westminster, they related their hard fortune, professing never to come any more among Dogs and Bears: but the Term being at hand, to keep company with Lawyers, and their Clients only.  
The Term being come, they now thought it best to acquaint themselves with some understanding Attorneys, and Clerks of the Inns of Chancery, who might aswell set them in a way to practise, as to get them acquaintance: and first they enquired for Lion's Inn (a Country Careier directed them to the Tower, where the Lions were) which when they had found, they grew acquainted with many Students, who were Cornish and Devonshire Gentlemen: who (when Meum and Tuum had related unto them their names, whence they came, and those various accidents that had befell them, in their journey, ever since they came from Wrangle) made very much of them, imagining they had been great Students, and very expert in the Laws: but being examined and throughly tried by a very honest Attorney of that house (who wanted his sight) he found them to be nothing else, than incendiaries and make-bates in the Common wealth, and wished them to live in the country, and rather go make peace among their neighbours, than set them at variance; for we (quoth he) who are Attorneys, if men would be quiet and agree among themselves, would never entreat or sue for employment from them; but when as suits, by delay or neglect (as wounds) begin to fester and gangrene, than indeed we ought (as Surgeons) to do our best to make an easy and speedy cure; with many other good Advisoes, which they little regarded: but taking their leaves, went to some houses (I will not name) where they found good respect and entertainment. And finding some encouragement, to Westminster they go, where looking about them, they admired the largeness & stateliness of the Hall, and above, that the timber of the roof, having been there so long, should be without Cobwebs; perhaps, quoth Tuum, they are swept down against the Term; quoth Meum, thou art a fool, all Kentstreete cannot afford a besom so long; a country man over hearing them, answered, the roof was made of Irish timber, which no Spider durst touch; if there were any Cobwebs, they were beneath, about the Clarks and Notaries Seats, which are seldom or never swept. When they had sufficiently gazed about, and observed as much as they could, coming out with the Country man, they viewed well the great door of the Hall; where they espied two Stags Couchand, with Crowns about their necks, and chains thwart their backs; they asked the reason of their being there: the Country man said, doubtless it was because so much Venison had been eaten in that Hall, when the Kings of England held their great feasts there: Tuum thought rather they were some tame Deer, because of their chains: but the truth is, the Hall of Westminster was built anew by K. Richard the second, and they were his Badges, for the King's Mother, whom the black Prince married, was widow to Lord Holland, Earl of Kent; and being one of the most beautifullest Ladies of England, and called the fair Maid of Kent, before her marriage, She gave for her Devise (or Crest) the white Hind; which her Son the King, altered into a Stag. But to return to our new Termers, Meum and Tuum; within a day or two, they ordered the matter so, that they got acquaintance in all the Courts of Westminster; and in no long time, by observation and practice, they grew so expert, that they were still at one end of every Cause that was pleaded: not a Counsellor, nor Attorney belonging either to the King's Bench, Commonpleas, or any other Court, but grew acquainted with them, and many times, in friendly manner, would salute them with, Good morrow Mr. Meum, Save you Mr. Tuum, I pray let me see you at my Chamber, I have been, (and so have we all) much beholding unto you, for your acquaintance and furtherance, we many times fare the better for you: yet Meum and Tuum they were like the Whetstone, that could sharpen every thing, yet itself was blunt, they could enrich others, yet were ever in want (for indeed men ever by suits and contention beggar themselves, as we see by daily experience,) howbeit they got sufficient to maintain them hand somly, and now and then to go to the Dog Tavern at Westminster, (who I remember, the last day of the Term, bit Meum fearfully) to bid a friend to Supper, and the like: and whereas before they were called by their bare names only, they were called now Mr. Meum, and Mr. Tuum. Now having been throughly acquainted with Westminster, but Westminster better with them, and some three or four Terms past, and the long Vacation coming on; they heard there was a controversy between certain Gentlemen, Projectors, and of the Country where they were borne, about the vast and spacious Fens thereabout; whereupon imagining there might be good fishing in those troubled waters, they resolved to go down thither, to make a division among them, if they could not agree among themselves. So putting money convenient in their purse, away for their Country they go, playing many merry tricks by the way, which would fill three such books as this, if I should recount them in order. Now by the way, if they should happen to want money, Meum resolved to take upon him the name and profession of a Physician, and to cure all manner of diseases and griefs by stroking the part pained, and uttering some few words, by way of charm (as you shall hear anon,) Tuum would, like a Gipsy, be a teller of Fortunes, especially to widows and young wenches; and indeed they got hereby much money, and grew famous. One thing I must not forget, by the way, as they went three or fourscore miles from London, as they walked down a Lane, a great shower of rain fell, which constrained them to go through a Gentleman's yard, who had been a justice of the Peace, and was sitting in a wicker chair, (and the Constable of that Parish, a little distance off, upon an Hogstrough) to see his Swine ringed: the justice was clad in cloth, spun in his own house, seldom came he up to London, but ever stayed at home, keeping a good house among his neighbours: Meum and Tuum passing by, saluted him with all due respect; my friends, quoth he, you are welcome, where is your dwelling? quoth Meum, An't please your worship, in Westminster, in a place called Thieving Lane, and my Brother about, or near to Hell; by my honesty, quoth he; both bad and naughty places, I wonder my fellow justices thereabouts will take no order with that Lane, either to place honest men in it, or to remove it further off, from his Majesty's Court: I have heard that in Queen Elizabeth's time, much Pla●e, Hangings, and other things, stolen from Whitehall, have been found thereabouts; it may be so, quoth Tuum, Thiefs may be found in all places, but I assure your worship, many as honest and substantial people dwell in that Lane, as in any other place about Westminster; how it came by that name, I know not, it may be out of envy some gave it that name: indeed quoth the Gentleman, it may be so, but it is impossible: How, I pray you, may I call your names? our names, quoth Meum, are Meum and Tuum, they are, as I take it, out landish names; no indeed, quoth Tuum, they are Latin; it is true, quoth the Gentleman, Tuum is mine, and Meum is thine, I have not forgot my Latin; and whither are you travailing this way? indeed, quoth Meum, we travel all places, but now we go directly for our own Country (except some occasion extraordinary detain us by the way) that is, down into the Fens, and from thence back to London; we are dabblers in the Laws, and well known to all the Courts about Westminster; I pray God not for Pickpockets; we cut, nor pick no purses, quoth Tuum, but empty them after a legal way, for there is not a trial but we have an hand in the same, and in every suit, though never so long depending; I wonder quoth the old quondam justice, how you escape from being indicted for common Barreters? quoth Meum, all judges are beholding to us for their Reports, we are the Steel and Flint, who hue out the fire, and afford light to their judgements and understandings, and, as it were, ●liciendo veritatem, mutuo collisu, per experientiam & longo rerum usu, for every Term we devise and bring to light new and strange cases; those beget others, and so in infinitum: it is very probable, quoth the justice, for I have seen Strife, I think you call it Lies in Latin, painted, going upon screws in stead of Legs; and, as I take it, it stands in my worthy friends Hall, Sir Daniel de Ligne, at his house at Harlaxton by Grantham; but, I am glad I have met with you, to ask your opinion in one thing. About twenty years ago, when I sat at our Sessions, and was Eldest justice, a Tinker was brought us for stealing of a Porridge Pot, and his inditementranne, for feloniously taking and carrying away, upon such a Day, in such a Month, one brazen Porridge Pot, weighing forty nine pounds, with three ears, and two feet; now, as we all know, a Porridge Pot hath only two ears, and three feet: I was the first that found this same error in the indictment, whereupon the jury brought in Ignoramus; whether was it not well done of me or no? An't like your worship, quoth Tuum, they could do no other. Again, there was within some three or four miles of me, an ancient farm house, the title where of was in controversy, and the Owner herein had placed four or five lusty fellows, his friends and servants, to keep the possession; now in the Rogation week last passed, the Minister and the whole Parish were to go their Procession; their way (which was the division of two Parishes) was through the Hall and the Kitchen, and through the midst of the Orchard, by the end of a Swine-coate; they who kept possession, denied entrance to the Procession, and barred up the Gates against the Minister and the whole Parish: they seeing this, sent for a Smith, and broke up the doors, and moreover pulled down a wall, that stopped their way. I now demand, Mr. Meum, whether the Owner (who indeed was my near Kinsman) might sue the Parson and his Parish for a Riot or not? quoth Tuum by no means, a Procession must have a way made to their hands, or make it themselves; beside, the public custom of a Parish, must be preferred, before a private Title in question, provided no Park be prejudiced thereby; yet if my Brother and I, quoth Tuum, had been entertained in that, or the like case, we would have held the Parish to it for one seven years: God forbid, quoth the good Gentleman, there were no Conscience or Charity in that; yet when both of you are sound out, and at odds, one with another, you little think of Conscience or Charity, nay, upon my knowledge yourselves, or get others to do so much for you. With that he called to have the old Sow well ringed, for rooting up her Mistress' Parsneps; and sends Cicelie his Maid, for a Flagon of good beer, of that Hogshead which stood under the Stairs; which being done, he heartily drank unto them, desiring that if they at any time passed by his house, they would visit him, and if he had any occasion to use them (which he thought he should never have, grown in years, and loving peace, and his rest, he would employ them: they thanking him kindly, take their leaves and departed.  
Being on their way, they heard of a great Fair, which was at a Market Town about eight miles of; thither they resolved to go, to try what acquaintance they could meet withal, or what purchase they could come by: coming to the Town, they heard of one Master Lime, a rich Attorney, who was much troubled with the gout. Meum imagined there might some good be done with him, in regard aswell that he was a Lawyer, as diseased, because it was vacation, and he intended to practise Physic; Tuum staying at an Alehouse in the Fair, Meum inquires after Master Limbs, (who by this name should seem to be a Dorset shire man) this Master was, it is true, of late years an Attorney, but grown rich, old, and unfit for Travel, had given over his Practice, and now only betook himself to a private life, (being exceeding rich in money and lands) and only now endeavour to make peace among his neighbours, if any suits or dissension arose among them, which indeed he truly performed; for if any two rich landed men were at strife, about some piece of ground, cottage, and the like, one of these, sometime both, would come to him for his counsel; him, in whom he knew the right to remain, he would tell; it would prove a chargeable and a tedious suit, and likely to be brought into the Chancery; the quantity was not great, it held in Knight's service, and might bring the rest of his land into bondage; he would advise him to take money, and sell his right: then sending for his adversary, he tells him his title was not worth a rush, the Law was plain against him, and wished him (as he did the other) to take a piece of money for agreement, and so order the matter (if it were land that lay for his turn,) as next his own, or near his house) he would hook it in to himself, at no great rate: then with a quart or two of wine, at the next Tavern, make them both friends, and very kindly to shake hands together.  
Again, if some young Heir, newly come to his lands, had formerly run into the lash four or five hundred pounds thick, and his Creditors taking the opportunity of his fortunes, would bear with him no longer, but lay out to arrest, and every way to vex him; old Lime underhand would furnish the young Gentleman with money, to satisfy them all; but before take a Mortgage of all his land, happily might be worth an hundred, or sixscore pounds, per Annum; which he being unable to redeem, at the appointed day, taking up a second sum, sells it all unto him out right, then calls his Creditors together, and maketh him and them friends, and undertaking the debt himself, he there tenders them down the one half of their money, the rest he pays by parcel and petty sums at his leisure.  
Sometimes he is trusted with money gathered in the Country for charitable uses, as Building, or repairing of Bridges (in regard of the great credit he hath in the Country, and his acquaintance with the better sort) reparation of Sea-banks, High ways, and the like, but he keeps it close, till extremity, and the fear of a Pursuivant wrings it out of his fist.  
But Meum and Tuum, not knowing any way in the world to come by money, in case Master Lime should be from home, and the humour take him to lend them none, considering he had been so much beholding unto them, or their kindred: Meum, as I said, began to practise in the Town, taking upon him to cure all Aches, tumors, Wounds, Dislocations, Distemperatures, and in general all manner of Diseases by stroking with the hand, and uttering certain words by way of a charm: Tuum took upon him to be his man, and was to make good whatsoever he spoke of himself, and his depth of skill in that manner of cure. Beside, Meum had in a readiness a Catalogue, and a counterfeit Testimonial of Lords, Ladies, Gentlewomen, and Merchants Wives, Maids, and of all sorts, whom he had cured after that way, some of Dropsies, the Colic, Agues, and the like: Tuum was to affirm, he was the seventh son of a seventh son: but this one thing troubled Meum much, that was, if any patient should demand of him the name and quality of his disease, and what were the Symptoms of the same, he could not tell; wherefore he held it the best course of professing, to cure all at once; neither durst he go any empyrical way to work, in giving this or that to his Patient, for he had no more skill in a Drug then my Dog, knowing no more what to give, than they knew what to take, and stroking was a thing of neither labour, or cost, which a little Loveret; or the veriest Ass in England might do: yet to let the world know he was not ignorant in the knowledge of Simples, by the way, he would dig up some roots with his knife, no matter what, which cut in pieces and clean scraped, he would put into his handkerchief: these dried by the fire, and beaten to powder, he would give alike to all, yea those that were most dangerously sick, either in Posset-ale, or the pap of an Apple, and if any such recovered by the strength and benefit of Nature (as some do) then (as he would often say) his fame would fly far, and his name be made known to all the Country. The roots he carried commonly about him were called Morsus Diaboli the devils bit which groweth in Corn fields, and Meadows, the Fen Parsnep, which is sweet and hath the taste of our common Parsnep, but present poison, (as one Hamon Rainard in the Fen proved, for bringing home many, caused them to be boiled and buttered, but in the space of the burning of a Candle, his Wife, Children, and himself died) sometime he would venture upon Sol●●am or nightshade, one Dram whereof is able to kill a Carrier's Horse. Such a Doctor I remember, I myself met withal at Vtrecht in the Low-countries, who commonly was called Doctor john, an English, or a Welsh man, I known well whether, this Doctor (for so the people called every Mountebank) was much sought unto, and was had in great admiration for his judgement, in so much he could not eat or drink in quiet, for patients flocking unto him; Scholar he was none, for he could hardly read, or write his own name: I having been one day at dinner with that noble Gentleman, the Grave or Earl of Culenberge, by chance I there in a Garden met with Doctor john, (having been formerly acquainted with him) and demanded of him, whence he had those rare drugs, whereby he wrought such wonders in his profession? john having well tasted of the Earl's wine, as in vino veritas, confesseth freely unto me, he had nothing from either Indies, City Druggist, or Apothecary, saving some herbs and roots, which he gathered in the Spring, under a great quickset hedge on my left hand, in the way to Vtrecht (which was three miles off,) and these were commonly the roots of young Bri●rs, Brionie, Daisies, Dandelion, Crowfeetes, and the like, which dried upon a Tilestone or Slate, he also (as Meum did) beat to powder; and gave his Patients to drink in posset drink, white wine, and the like; but if they were taken with pestilent, or continual burning Fevers, than he gave them the said powder in Canary-sack, Anise-seed, Wormwood: water, or the like.  
Meum being furnished, as you have heard, now verily believed that he was a good Physician indeed; and now having a mind (as the Proverb is) to see the Town served; and to provide for a good lodging, as well during the time of the Fair, as after; at the corner of a Lane, they met with an old Woman, carrying a Pitcher of Buttermilk in one hand, the other held up her apron, wherein was a Cat blind folded; of her they enquired of an honest Alehouse, or private house, where they might hire a couple of Chambers; she told them, in a lane on their right hand, was a very good and a quiet house, at the sign of the two Bears, and the Beehive; herein they entered, and found entertainment, and having caused their apportements to be laid up, away they go to Master Lime's house; knocking at the door, out comes a spruce and a dapper youth, surrounded at the knees with points, russet Boötes and Spurs, with a pen in his ear; he ask our errand, we told him, we came to speak with Master Lime, and we suppose you are his Clerk; I am indeed, and my name is Twig, quoth he, will you be pleased to enter, my Master is not very busy; in they came, and found Master Lime in an upper Chamber, sitting by a good fierin a Wickar Chair, with three or four night Caps, and an old greasy Hat on his head, one foot upon the tongues, in the Chimney-corner, and the other on a little buffet stool upon a Cushion, his leg many times bound about with a rouler of red cloth; my friends, quoth he, you are welcome, have you any Law business? Sir, quoth Meum, you have heard of us heretofore, though you never saw us till now; our names are Meum and Tuum: Body a me, quoth Master Lime, I never saw you indeed, I have been much beholding to some of your name: those are near of kin to us, quoth Meum, it may be we are those you mean: quoth Lime, Twig set some stools, and give me your hands; Meum and Tuum have helped me to many a fee; but now I have given over my practice, I have sold my Chamber at London, now I keep home, and love to make peace amongst my honest poor neighbours, for I tell you, we live in a jangling corner. Master Meum, do your brother and you follow the Law still? I mean your soliciting causes? No Sir, quoth Meum, it is now not Term time, but a dead Vacation, and I addict myself, to avoid idleness, to the practice of Physic; Heaven, Sir, hath given me a great gift to cure any manner of disease, only by stroking, whether in Man, Woman, or beast; it is very rare and a wonderful gift indeed, Twig fetch me a Cup of Beer, and Master Meum, if I may see you in the morning, I will try your skill upon this lame leg of mine, I lie long a bed, you may come when it pleaseth you, but fail not, so good night to you both, quoth Lime. They taking their leaves, went home, and having supped, betook themselves to their lodgings: now, there being two Beds in one Chamber, where they were to lie (for they never lay together) they fell out for the best Bed, but drowsiness and desire of rest, being tired with long journeys, decided their difference.  
Up they rise the next morning; Meum goes to Master Limbs, and being by Twig brought up to his Chamber, there lay upon a mat, under Lime's bed, a foul crop-eared Cur (which a Scrivener had given him not long before) whom they called interest, a fierce, a cruel Mastiff, for where he laid hold, you could hardly get him off, and commonly he would make his teeth mere; he spying Meum in somewhat a strange habit, and a part of his shirt hanging out at his knee, flies suddenly upon him, tears his breeches down from the waist to his hams; Meum cries out; Twig, who was gone down the stairs, comes running up, crying to Interest, come out, out here you Cur, the Devil take him, quoth Meum, he comes out too fast, I pray Master Twig call him in: I have told you often enough, quoth Master Lime to Twig, of letting this Dog be untied; come Interest, you must be friends with Meum, and Tuum by the rules of Lily, a Tailor shall be sent for to mend your hose; I but, quoth Meum by the law of Littleton it is otherwise, but there is no remedy against a mischance. I pray you (quoth Lime) to look upon my Leg, and tell me how you like it; I will assure you Sir, quoth Meum, though it be now gouty and much swelled, it appeareth to be a very strait and an handsome Leg, and I believe you have been an excellent dancer in your younger days; indeed a pretty one, for I danced out of the North to this Town, but with fourteen pence in my Purse, and I have a pretty convenient estate, of some five hundred by the year, and not a Child living; but I pray, Sir, look upon my Leg; Meam tucks up his sleeves, warms his hands, stroking his Leg and Foot above and beneath, gently touching every Toe; then casting up his eyes, after a ceremonious manner, pronounceth these words in the Bohemish tongue, Uobiesh lesar atac zhogi le non hatua. Which in Latin is; suspend corpus, & pes sanabitur: [that is, hang up the body, and the Leg will mend:] which done and his Leg bound up again; I promise you, quoth Master Lime, I find pretty good Pace already: Twig, give Master Meum half a e eece for his pains, toward the mending of his Breeches; and Master Meum I heartily thank you, if any of my neighbours stand in need of your help, I will bring you acquainted with them; how long stay you in Town? We are uncertain, Tuum hath some employment I believe and cannot yetgoe, although our employment is, ike to be great, when we come among the Fens, for indeed that way we are going, but shortly to return toward London: then I pray let me see you as you return back: Meum promised he would, and so took his leave: but going down the stairs, Twig followed him at heels, and whispers him closely in the ear, that he had a friend hard by, which was an handsome one (indeed a Tanner's daughter, who was his sweetheart) who was troubled with a great swelling, and if he could do her any good, he should have content to his desire: but that cure passed Meum's skill.  
Tuum was not idle all this while at his Hostesses, for by her means he had gotten many Clients, who came to him for goods lost and stolen, as Hogs strayed away, Turkeys stolen; a Maid came to Tuum for a silver Spoon, stolen out of the Nursery; another made pitiful moan to Tuum for the loss of his wife, who was run away with a Miller, besides something he got, for telling Maids and Widows their fortunes.  
Meum to endear himself the more (for rarity is the mother of admiration) kept himself close in his Chamber; and if any had occasion to use him, they mustrepaire unto him at night, or early in the morning; at what time there resorted unto him people of all sorts, Ladies, Gentlewomen, and other honest Women, for sore Breasts, swellings in the Throat, Cankers in the mouth, the Toothache, and all griefs else whatsoever. Meum seeing his Patients come so thick, grew into an humorous pride, that he would struck but whom he listed, and when he listed; but howsoever in few days they had gotten nine or ten pounds; so that they thought it was now high time to be going, remembering well that, Ficta persona non diu geritur; overnight making even with their Hostess, away they went the next morning.  
But this one thing fell out most strangely, that as many as Meum had stroked, both men, women, and children, very presently after fell cruelly out one with another: Master Lime sued the Parson of the Town; Women of the better sort, the next Holiday fell out flat in the Church, for place and precedency, who, forsooth, should sit uppermost in the same seat: which quarrel the Minister of the place would moderate and settle with good words, in this, or the like manner.  
I think honest neighbours and friends, there ought in the Church, (saving for decency in the placing of Magistrates, and chief Governors) to be no difference: and this ambition for place and superiority in the Church, cannot be but foolish, if not impious; when time, in not many years, will make no difference in lodging you, even in those Alleys you sit in, and tread upon; therefore I have heard it is a custom in the Netherlandr, for Burgher's wives and their daughters every one to carry their Leather little chairs to Church with them, there taking their places as they fall: Another, wife to a Rope-maker at a Churching would eat no meat, because a joiners' wife sat above her: but do what they listed, Meum and Tuum had got themselves away, and were far enough.  
Being come at last down into their native Country among the Fens, which seemed to be in Controversy, between the Projectors and the Country, they found all things appeased and quiet, all parties were agreed, and nothing remained for Meum and Tuum to work upon; whereupon they resolved to go farther Northward: but even at this time, they hearing of old Harpax their Father's death, back they returned to Wrangle, where I hear they are now in suit, at strife, for his land and goods; Meum affirming himself to be the elder Brother, Tuum saith he is as old as he, for they be twins: which is like to prevail we shall know at this next Term, when they return up to London. In the mean time I leave them wrangling, at their Native Town of Wrangle, where I first found them.  
FINIS.   

Imprimatur.  
Sa. Baker. Lond. 1638. Octo. 1.