THALIAS BANQUET: Furnished with an hundred and odd dishes of newly devised Epigrams, Whereunto (beside many worthy friends) are invited all that love in offensive mirth, and the Muses. By H. P. LONDON, Printed by NICHOLAS OKES, for Francis Constable, dwelling in Paul's Churchyard, at the sign of the white Lyon. 1620. TO THE MOST HONOURABLY MINDED and best deserving of the Muses, Mr. DRV D●VRY, of Riddlesworth, in the County of Norfolk. HONOURED SIR, MY THALIA well knowing that you are the Treasurer of the Shire, for that (I mean not money) which a number want, is bold (if her passport be not ●ut of date) to visit you in her journey: she knoweth you, she tells me, for your exc●llent parts fr●m among five hundred, and is verily persuaded you will stand her friend. Her entertainment ●●●●erto hath been none of the best, which I can impute to no other thing, then as in Barbary the ●●●rility of the Soil, otherwise rich enough. Sir, in brief, she is sure you are the man can judge: to put herself upon the Country, were to appeal to IGNORANCE, and hazard her Innocence's, which dare● approach even the most severe Tribunal: whatsoever she is, she submits herself unto your censure; in the mean time, humbly requesting you to take the praeemenince (as you deserve) and upper-end of ●er Table, she taketh leave, Who with myself, shall ever be devoted yours, HENRY PEACHAM. Docto & Candido Lectori S. NE omninò in●ptire videar, tec●●m (Benigne Lector) serio agendum. Annus tam agitur octavus ex quo (Minerva nostrâ publici factà i●ris) nugis Poeticis in totum renunci●rim, et i●venilibus istis relictis, ●e ad seria magìs ac utilia. THALIA loquitur. WElcome, welcome to our feast, Every understanding guest, From the College and the Hall, Welcome Academics all, Britain's Magazines of Wit, Wherefore of Court repair to it, And come Courtiers ye that be The Mirror of fair courtesy, Citizens ye that were made As well for learning as for trade, Come brave spirits of the Real●e, Vnshaded of the ACADEME That in the Country there and here, Like stars in midst of Clouds appear. M●ke no st●y for man by nature Is a sociable Creature: And brave Soldiers take a truce, A while to revel with his Muse, Since our ●●●hor hath borne Arms too, He cannot choose but welcome you: Come far Ladies ye that will, here is nought obscure or ill, And your ●●●ds Attendants, 〈◊〉 ● Witty wenches let them come, By CYRRHA they shall welcome be, To my Poet and to me, My banquet is prepared for WIT, Not FOLLY dare to touch a bit. To my Reader. Epigram 1. REader, if that thy curious eye will needs Dwell on a while these rude & ranker weeds, Take leave; and ere a while this Muse of ours Shall bring thee lapfuls of her choicest flowers. Upon TULLUS. Epigram 2. TULLUS who was a Tailor by pro●ession, Is late turned Lawyer, and of large possession: ●o who before did cut but country freeze, Now cuts the Country in excessive fees. To LAELIUS. Epigram 3. Prithee LAELIUS do● me but the grace, T' express thy s●lfe in that above thy gate 〈◊〉 written, Here we have no dwelling place: ●hat, dost thou mean, our worldly fickle state, Or rather (which I take to be the right) Thou canst endure no guest above a night? Upon FUMOSO. Epigram 4. FUMOSO now beginning to decline Takes only care how he may come by coin, And daily wisheth these BOHEMIAN ●arres Would set all Christendom at deadly wars, For him 'twere better upsy Gull doth swear, Moreover England very well might spare Ten hundred thousand men, enough to bea●, The Emperor, Pope and Turk out of his seat: Not that FUMOSO, trust me, means to fight, Or dares march further than his chymneie● sight, A noted coward, but the ●ruth to tell, ●e hat● a rusty musket he would sell. To Mr. B●N IOHN●ON: Epigram 5. SInce more cannot be added to thy Fame, Enough 'tis only to express thy Name. To Mr. I. Selden of the Inner Temple. Epigram 6● Look how a late-come Painter to the strand Doth foremost place the Pour●raicture in ●ight● Of some remarqued Statesman of our Land, To grace his shop, ●nd buyers to invite; So learned Sir, I here prefix your n●me, And look to thrive the better for the same● To Mr. Edward Hayward. epigram 7. I Know it were but highly to offend, To sever you si●, fro● so true a friend, When eue● ENVY is enforced to bless Your (●ach enjoying either) Happiness. Upon LAVINA. Epigram 8. LLAVINA brought a-bed, her husband looks, To knows child's fortune throughout his books: His neighbours think h'had need search backward rather, And learn for certain who had been the father. Upon DARE an upstart Poet. Epigram 9 DARE a fresh Author to a fri●nd did boast, he'd show in Cheap his name upon a post, But did DARE● friend to's hostess house but walk, she'd shew'● him there on every post in chalk. Upon TAMB●RRO. Epigram 10. TAM●VRRO now, what ere his friends do say, At last will thrive, and all his debts go pay, For by his wit (he boasts) and pleasing tongue, H●hath won a ●ench that's wondrous fair and young, Well borne, well qualified, rich, modest, wise, And shall be worth, if that an Uncle dies, In land four hundred by the year, at least, Beside odd remnants in her mother's chest: 'Tis true, the match is half concluded, he Is wondrous willing with it, but not she. Upon SORANZO. Epigram 11. SOR●NZO'S broad-brimmed hat I oft compare To the vast compass of the heavenly sphere, His head, the Earth's Globe fixed under it, Whose Centre i● his wondrous little wit. To VFLLIUS. Epigram 12. Thou swearest I bowl as well as most men do, The most are bunglers● therein thou ●aist true. Epigram 13. THe Country, God be thanked, well is rid Of Beggars, which, they say, judge ●opham did: But if he could the Court as well have f●e●d, Then he had done a worthy Act indeed. Upon the Turkish Alkar●n. Epigram●4 ●4. TThe Turks hold this opinion very odd, That madmen's souls are talking still with God, And that to be an Ideom o● a Vice, Is th'only way ●o purchase Paradis● If t●is be true their Alka●ons relate, Our Puritans were sure in happy state. Upon BOON. Epigram 15. WHen unto Boon a book was brought to swear, He prayed the judge he would that labour spare, For there's no oath (quoth Boone) that you can n●me● But perfect I without book have the same. In Divites. Epigram 16. RIch men their wealth as children ra●●les keep, When played a while with't, than ●hey fall asleep. Upon Richard. Epigram 17. THrough Paul's Churchyard as Dick came reeling drunk, He stumbling fell into an empty trunk, And lain a while did verily suppose, He had been buried quick and in his clothes, Save that the upper stone upon his grave, By night was stolen by some cunning knave. Dick half awake, bethought him of his si●ne, And that lewd cou●se of life he lived in, Yet long hereof for thirst Dick could not think, But drawer cries, now for thy smallest drink. Upon Gellia. Epigram 18. WHen G●llia went to school and was a girl, Her teeth for whiteness might compare with pearl, But after she the taste of swee●e meats knew, They turned all Opals to a perfect blue, Now Gellia t●kes Tobacco, what should let, But last they should conue●●ed be to let? Upon Nasu●o. Epigram 19 WHen at the Table once I did aver, Well taken Discords best did please the ear, And would be judged by any Qu●rister, Were in the Chapel, Paul's or Westmi●ster, Nasuto sitting at the neither end, (First having drunk and coughed) quoth he my friend, If that were true, my wife and I, I fear, Should soon be sent for to the Archdukes Quire. Upon the A●se. Epigram 20. THe A●se a Courtier on a time would be, And travailed foreign fashions for to see, But home returned, foshi●n he could none, Hi● mane and tail were only larger grown. Upon Virtue, Mistress Milla's maid. Epigram 21. SAith Aris●otle, Virtue ought to be Communicative of herself and free, And hath not V●rtue Milla's maid been so, Who's grown hereby as big as she can go? To the nobly-disposed, modest, and fair Sisters, M●●stresse Aleezia, and my ever-honored Mistress, Mistress Anne Dudley. Epigram 22. IF to admire and tell the world ye are, Of all I know (sweet Maids) above compare, For bounty, beauty, wit, and goodly grace, Th'extracted quint'sence of your noble race, Would pay that everlasting sum I owe To your respectful favours well I know● I should as much add to your worth as he That guilds his di'mond, inke● the ivory, And by these Titles rather you dishonour, Which every waiting maid hath pinned upon her Now by her Master's Clerk; since praises commo● As perukes are grown stale with every woman. So let me thrive as ever I abuse Chaste Poesy, and prostitute my Muse, T'vnworthinesse, or follow the hot sent Of rising Greatness, with the rabblement, Or letter of an idle name rehearse, Tha●'s empty of Desert in all my verse. To the learned and every way accomplished, Sir Hamond Strange, Knight. Epigram 23. SIr, though you are a stranger to our time, And live a far as in another clime, Our Muse her flight with nimble wing doth take, To gratulate you for good Letters sake; " So with the same stone needles touched, agree, " And hold one motion, though remote they ●ee. Upon a Spanish Soldier. Epigram 24. A Spanish Soldier sick unto the death, His Pistol to's Physician did bequeath, Who did demand, what should the reason be, 'Boue other things to give him that (quoth he) This with you● practise joined you, may kill, Sir, all alive, and have the world at will. To Laura. Epigram 25● IF true as common that old proverb be, A black man is in beautie● eye a pearl; To prove thyself as fair as any she, Then Laura love, and live with me my girl. Upon Count Surly. Epigram 26. COunt Surly will no scholar entertain, Or any wiser than himself, ●ow ●o? The ●●ason is, when fools are in his train, His wit amongst them, makes a goodly show. Upon Corydon. Epigram 27. A Homespun peasant in his manner rude, His Urine brought close stopped in a glass, Unto his Doctor, who when it had viewed, Demanded strait what countryman he was, Quoth Corydon, with making legs full low, Your worship that shall by my water know. Upon Otho. Epigram 28. THree daughters Ot●● hath his only heirs But will by no meanus h●●● the● learn to write, 'Cause (after hi● own● humou●) 〈◊〉 he fears, The'●l one day leanne lo●● l●t●●●s to ●ndi●●, The youngest now's with ●hild, ●ho taught her th●n, Or of her sel●e learned she to hold her pen? To the Noble minded and most worthy, Master Thomas Knyvet of Ashwel●h●rp. Epigram 29. YOur Great learned Grandsire to you at his death, Accomplished ¹ * A goodly Armoury of as any in all Norfolk, with an excellent fur●ish●d Library cho●se books, and very rare antiquities. Mars with ●allas2 did bequeat●● And since I hear you so laid your plot, That * The brave and beautiful Gentlewoman his wife, daughter to the Lord Borough, unto whom he was lately married. Venus3 (or a fairer) you have got. To the Town of Wimondham in Norfolk. Epigram 30. WIndham I love thee, and I love thy soil, Yet ever loathed that never ceasing toil Of thy fair School, which while● that it was free, Myself the Master lost my liberty. Upon Indee●la. Epigram 31. INdeedla grumbles much that he a penny, Is levied in collection to the poor: Indeedla but you are the first of any, Will contribute unto a handsome— In Dianam ma●itum alloq●ent●m. Epigram 32. ALthough my name Diana (husband) he, Y'are no A●●eon I am sure, quoth she. Thanks wife, replie● he, I did ne●●● fear, Thoul'dst lay upon me more than I could bear. To Master William Baker, Secretary unto my L. G. of Cantuarburie. Epigram 33. SIr midst the great employments and the toil, That do distract you in affairs of State, Remit your cares and high raised thoughts a while, And see what Flowers our barren soil o● late, Vnth●ught of h●●h produced, or rather weeds, That ●hew the●● head● before the better seeds. Though like a cunning Herbalist you know, Such have their seasons and their virtues all, Yet if you find that herein aught doth grow Unwholesome, ill, I'll h●●l● it o'er the wall. Wh●le others censure gladly w●e do hear, Your judgement only puts v● in a fear. To Master Christopher Sherland of Gray Inn. Epigram 34. Beloved Sir, since you have followed me, In your vnthought of journey through France, The lower Belgia and high Germany, I wish again it were my happy chance, To follow you, and my estate to raise, By thrift the only travail of our days. Upon an Italian Proverb. Epigram 35. Three women met upon the market day, Do make a market, (they do use to say In Italy) and why their ●on●ues do w●●ke, As loud as if an hundred men did talk. Some hea●ing th●, sw●●e, had his wife been there, And made a fourth, there might have been a Fair: Upon Hugh. Epigram 36. HVgh should have gone to Oxfo●d th'other day, But turned at Tyburn, and so lost his way. An Epitaph upon a Collier. Epigram 37. He●re lies the Collier 〈◊〉 Dash●●, By whom death nothing gain●●, h● swore; For living he was du●t and ashes, And being dead he is no more. To Master Micha●l Dr●●●on. Epigram 38. WHat thinkst thou worthy Mich●el of our Times, When only Almanac and ball●d rhymes Are in request now, where those Worthies be, Who formerly did cherish poesy, Where is Augustus? oh no rather she, Would lend an ear unto thy Melody. Sweet poetess her s●l●e, where●● S●rvey and, Our Phoenix Sidney,, Essex, Comberl●●●? With numbers more, of whom we are bereft, That scarce a prop th' abandoned M●s● ha●h l●ft. But what's the reason? they th●t l●st define For me, except the same of Aret●n●. Who one day asked why that Great ones now, Will no●●●●●d to Poetry a●●ow? Replied because 〈…〉 doth suggest, In Poet 〈…〉. 〈…〉 take in h●n●, To Pa●●●●n● 〈…〉 Upon Ep●●●am●9 ●9. Drum by descent swear●● he●● a Gentleman, For●● father can set stone●●●d 〈…〉 Iowell, And Drum, as we●l as he, reports he can, Set stones, but how? in mortar with a trowel. O● my sel●e. Epigram 40. I do not love to ●uild or rear my friends, Beyond dese●t, ●hich rather discommends: Thei● wor●h and me, and li●e g●●●t ●a●●ons tomb, Keeps some good a●ter-comme●s from a room. To Mistress Alice Apsley daughter to the virtuous Lady the L. Apsley. ●●●g●a● 41. AS Virgin● when with dainty singer's wea●●● 〈…〉 pl●ce the fai●e●t flower● in view, So 〈…〉 beauty by you● 〈◊〉, To grace my book (●aire maid) and honour you. To Sir john Heveningham. Epigram 4●. IF Honesty in any one pl●ce rest, She, Si●, hath ta'en he● loging in yo●● b●est. Upon Pr●●uso. Epigram 43. Unstaid Pr●fuso hath run through a●l, Almost he story o● the Poor-will. Long since his portions spent, ●nd o●● of ●oore●, He doe● confess he bea●en wa● 〈…〉. And in a Co●n●ry far hence I'll be sworn, I saw him all to ●ar●er'd and be torn. Yet s●ea●es, he neue● with the Hogs did din●, That'● true, for none durst t●ust him with their swin●. Upon Santomar. Epigram 44. WHen of my wit Santomar use w●uld make, My Hop●● he suckles with vain protestations, Of this and that he will do for my sake, And all to save hi● pu●●e (as is the fashion:) As if by favour of his P●inc● he rise, I as his branch withal my head ●●●ll rear●; Or if his old and wealthy father d●●s● My Fortunes then are made, I need not feare● Keep to himself his Hypothetique Tone, Give me the Catego●ique, or ●lse non●. To Ems●●. Epigram 45. EMson thou once in Dutch wouldst court a wench, But to thy cost she answered thee in French. Upon Drug. Epigram 46. THe Cuckold Drug a chemical professor, Once with his wife a wager venture would, he'd ride to Stanes and back ere she could dress her. From head to foot, make all the hast she could. They both agreed, away then rid the mo●e, While she dressed him, and rid as fast at home. Upon my friend a certain Yeoman of Norfolk. epigram 47. A Norfolk Yeoman fain E●quire would be, And one day asked me what an Arms would co●t: Desert, qu●th I, must win gentility; Or e●se both labo●● and you● monies l●st. Ye● say but wherein you have well deserved, Perhaps I ca●se the Herald stand your friend, My ●art (quoth he) now thrice the king hath served. And once I was a pikeman at Mile-end Then would I wish (quoth I) your arm●s might be, The bloody pike, and broken Axletree. And for your cr●st, the law of Arms allow'th, A Tumbler with a dumpling in his mouth. Upon Sir Hugh. Epigram 48. A Free-school Master in a Country Town, For●s Idleness was brought bef●●e the Mayor; Who wi●h his Brethren, each in's Fox-furred gown, Examined him one day upon their Fai●e. And ●old him how ●he neighbours did complain Abominably of his negligence, And that within a while he must be fa●e Provide him elsewhere, and be packing thence. An Alderman who seemed was his friend, This hearing, humble Master Maior did pray, He might stay still, because he could commend Hi● diligence, what ●'re the rest did say. For (I quoth he) have three boys of mine own, And towardly who sons though I say't that should not, That now these ten years with Sir H●gh have gone● And at their coming first v●to household not One line or letter of the Booke● but now They have so profited, that (by my say) I'll venture on their heads my brindled ●ow With any Boy at dust-point they s●all play, ('Tis much quoth Master Maior) ●ay more than that, Take them who dares at nine-holes, cards or ca●. To my kind and learned friend Master Owen Hughes of Remerston● in N. Epigram 49. THere was a time when all ●ur songs and tales, O● Welch●●en, Sir, were made and of your Wales: But since w● see those times ar● altered so, That now for wondrous honest men ye go● To some kind of Readers. Epigram 50. THis book of min●● liken to a glass, Wherein the fool may look and laugh his fill: He ha●in● done 〈◊〉, Readers, as ye pass, here take and use it as long as you will. To Master Simson●ellow ●ellow of Trinity College in Cambridge. Epigram 51. SO let me Sir of heaven beloved be, As I do love my N●●se your Trinity; Whereof I was a member, bleedin● yet, To thi●ke how 〈…〉 from it: But wholly not divided though in part, Since (fellows) yet amongst y●● li●e● my heart. Upon Septimio. Epigram 52. SEptimio with strong arguments avers, That women are your only counsellors. And ●hewes examples out of antique stories; What Troph●●●s have been reared to 〈◊〉 glories. What States and goodly commonwealth's w●●e seen, Where only women have commanders been. Septimius, il'●●o women here dispraise, Yet thus much say, hadst thou in th●●● our dries, By some been ruled, for all thy reasoning thus, Tyburn had put thee to a foul 〈◊〉. Upon Sir Lanfranke and his dog. Epigram 53. SIr Lanfrankes dog a Capon toasted wh●t, At a Lords tab●e out the dish had got● Enquiry m●●e when all wer● set to di●e, Wh●●e saucy cu●re it was (quoth 〈◊〉) mine; I pra● your Lordship not offended 〈◊〉, I use 〈◊〉 dog as Courtier, do● quoth ●e, Their follower's he ge●t●th n●u●●t 〈…〉, I give ●●m countenance, and so let him 〈◊〉. To the Nobly disposed and ●●●●ly Honourably minded Sir Thomas Southwell. Epigram 54. HOw ever Heavens have sorted my estate, They never, sir, could make me yet ingrate● Or to forget (much less abuse) the bow, From whence I plucked the mellow pear but now● Like the ba●e mean, who beside their food, Will ●en● off arms, and carry 〈◊〉 the wood. No, with respect ●●e ever bl●sse the tree, Whose fruit hath fed, or shelt●● shaded me● Nor●olk the noblest plant in all thy county, For even vp●●ght●es, s●l●d ●ea●t, and boultin. To the only savourer of the Muse and all Excellency, Master Dru Drury of Riddlesworth. Epigram 55. Beloved Sir, I oft have thought upon, But never saw, as ye●, your Helicon, Where with the Muses sole you sit retired, And most unseen when you are most admired. To either University, Epigram 56. INdulgent Mother and kind * Aunt● no where Throughout all Europe●ind ●ind I such a pair, Of matchless Sisters, who (〈…〉 said, Of English beauties) all the world upbraid With your transcendent worths, and daze the ei● Of wonders self with love and majesty. That Salama●ca nor the Olive vale, Th● f●m'd Conimbra in burned Portugal, Appollo'● garden by the banke● of Po, Paris (our Harry's sometimes) Luge nor Ley, Do better hear in other lands, ●hen ●ee. From whose fair breasts those sacred Springs arise, That turn our ●le●nto ●nto a Paradise. From whose fair breasts th●se milky rivers run, That thousands feed, else ●housande● were undone. Oh were it not t●at so●● a●e wea●●d too young, And some do suc● (like Essex calves) too long! To Perseus. Epigram 57 GOOd Perseus who venturd'st many a knock, To save Andromed fr●m the dreary rock. Though he● hard hap 'twas afterwards to be, In faster bands than when thou s●●st her free. To my true friend and every way accomplished Master Wentwoth ●radburie. Epigram 57 Beloved Sir, if that your Norfolk should, Conceal some one man from the c●mmon view, Who learned Learning justly value 〈◊〉, And give both Arts and all good 〈◊〉 their due. (Not from a vulgar judgement and a mind, That's merely Norfolk, barten, hard and dry, But from e●p●●●●nce and your skill re●ind By ●●aua●le, ●o●h in ●rance and Italy:) And bad m● name ●●m from am●ng the rest, Yourself the Man I presently had guessed. To my Kind friend Captain Henry Lucy, the Paragon of Chivalry. Epigram 58. SIr, if true ●alour with sound honesty, A heart & hand that never fails his friend, The Bad●es of the bravest spirit's be, And best that man can even in man commend: I wish I might the whol● world one day see, Your men to wear them with your livery. Upon Podarges. Epigram 59 POdar●●● h●th one only son and heir; An 〈◊〉, which put'● him in a ●eare, If he were d●●d● he would be b●gd by some, Wherefore he ●oth for learned counsel come To Gru● his neighbour dwelling on the green, Who of th●● hundred best in law i● seeney Grub doth advise him to strike up a match, With Dol the daughter of his neighbour Patch, Or, for a fool before that he be cited, And lose his land, with speed to get him knighted. Upon Rosimus. Epigram 60. Mishaps aswell by water as by land, Our humane frailty every hour attend, With all his wit which man cannot withstand. As may appear by Rosimus my friend, Who going to Duke Humphries to ●up, Was on the Thames by Baylies snapped up. Upon Sir R. Epigram 61. HIs wife or servant to be half a fool, A knight I know by London, wishes of●: But what's his reason's ma●ty Sir O Toole, Himself would make the other half, 'tis thought. To Master Bartholomew H●les justice of the pea●●●n the town of Warwick. Epigram 62. Whethersoever Sir, it be my chance, To see your ●ace yet once again, or no● You ever live in my remembrance. And since I cann●● pay the debt I owe To your deserts yet will I h●u● it told, To one unthankful you gave not your gold: To Master Thomas Townsend of Testerton. Epigram 63. RIght worthy sir, for that respect and cheer, I found at your compareless Testerton, With my best friends I do invite you here. Unto our Muses mea●e collation. Which far your bounteous entertain put down, The only best housekeeper in your town. Upon Gemma. Epigram 64. HIs orders Gemma quite hath thrown away, And turned in colours roaring Boy, they say● His friends though think he'll preach and pray again, His clerk the Hangman but must say Amen. To Anthony my Stationer. Epigram 65. A Soldier, Scholar, and an honest man, I ever loved Anthon● as life: Thou art no Soldier, but a●t honest, when We know for certain that thou hadst a wife, And I dare swear by sacred Hip●oc●ene, Thou want'st no learning (in thy shop I mean.) Upon Gloriosos house. Epigram 66. SEe ye yond brave house which Glorioso built, Another Babel to diuulge hi● name, Or rather Babble with the tu●●et● guilt, An hundred smokeles chymneys in the same, Whose frontispiece is window all and glass, That doth both highway & the town affront, As if it bade obeisance to the Ass Sir Coun●er-Puffe who is the owner on't. You'd little think that Barley and the Beant, Affords their purest manchet when they dine; And that their only cur is grown so lean, He is not able for to hold a Swine, While he and●s Mule lie in the City stabled, All winter long t' avoid the parish poor; His colts and grooms though yonder still are tabled● The dog, a girl, the shepherd, and no more. Upon the God-dammee's band. Epigram 67. WHat is the reason of God-dammee's band Inch deep, and that his fashion doth not alter? Goddammee saves a labour, understand, In pullinged off when he puts on the halter: Upon two Lady's. Epigram 68 TWo City Ladies pendants of the Court, Where late I lived, did commonly resort; And in the garden one day as they walked, Thus gathering flowers each to either talked● What lives (good Lord) these Country creatures lead, O'er one of us within the City bred? What dainty flowers, what arbours, walks, and trees, Poor souls they have; and look where stand the bees● Goodness a me, see Madam where Thirst grows, My Sweetheart loves not it should ●ouch his nose● And by my patience, quoth the other, I A● ill abide this scurvy Honesty, It bears no flower, nor carrie● any smell, Yet Country Ladies wear't and like it well. To my Reader. Epigram 69. MY Person is another as I list, I now but act the Epigrammatist. To my towardly and hopeful Scholar Master Edward Chamberlain of Barnham Broome. Epigram 70. NED, never look again those days to see, Thou liud'st, when thou appliedst thy book with me, What true affection bore we each to either, How often walking in the fields together: Have I in Latin given the names to thee, Of this wild Flower, that Bend, this blossomed tree, This speckled Fly, that Herb, this water rush. This worm, or weed, the Bird on yonder bush? How often when ye have been asked a play, With voices viols have we passed the day, Now entertaining those weak * A set of 4 and 5 parts of the Author's re●dy for the press. airs of mine, Anon the deep delicious Transalpine, Another while with pencil or with pe●, Have limned or drawn our friend's pourtaies● & then Commixing many colours into one, Have imitated some carnation, strange field-found flower, or a rare seen fly, ● curious land-schap or a clouded sky? Then haply weary of all these would go, Unto that “ A second volume of Emblems, done into Latin verse with their pictures. Poem I have laboured so: Thus past our leasu●eable hours away; And ye did learn ●uen in the midst of play. Upon Corax. Epigram 71. OLd Corax putting on glassen eine, Bids Trudge his man to reach this book of mine; And by the fire in his w●eker chair, (One foot upon the ●onges) me think I hear Him cough, & say, this Author hath some wit, Pity he made no better use of it. Upon Sir Acolastus. Epigram 72. HOdge art awake, what shall we do to day, To cards, go drink, or else go see a play? Not I Goddammee, I was last night drunk, Rogue hold ye this key, & from my trunk, Go fetch me out my sa●●en su●e de Roy, My Mistress bracelet, and d'ye hear me boy, A light, a pipe, and some Tobacco up, With ale, a to●t, a nutmeg, and a cup: Let Patrick saddle chest-nut; and bid Meg, Prouide's a dish of butter and an egg. Thus like a mill-horse Acolastus treads The self same circle, and this life he leade●, Save when he hears perhaps the sermon bell, He● keeps his bed, and that day is not well. Upon myself. Epigram 73. Look how a City Tailor when he make● A jovial summer journey to his mind, In every Town will call for ale and caked, His wife set smiling in her coach be●ind, Rapt with delight to see the pride of May, The frisking lambe●, & green geese by the way. So now this Spring my merry Muse and I, Must walk the world abroad & take the ai●e, Who at our work all Winter close did lie; And our decayed spirits go repair. Then Envy none our Mirth upon the way, For once a year, Apolo laughe● they say. Upon Mildred. Epigram 74. MIldred my Lady Too-goods chambermaid, Hath now her wage● by her Master paid, Not quarterly, but duly once a year, And in a purse as big as she can bear. Upon Mend-sh●●. Epigram 75. MEnd-shoo did wa●e so deep to dig for roote●, At last he ran himself quite o'er ●he boots. Upon Sir Simon Harpax. Epigram 76. SIr Harpax when a Benefice doth fall, Inquires about for him that will give most● For meri● moves him not a whit at all, But must without it empty kiss the post. Yet if he feel some farmer gi'en ●o bite, For's late commenced son, he tells him ●ha●, His many years true service to requi●e, He hath bestowed the Grant upon his man; Who to him goes, agrees & takes the gold, To's Master use, when without more ado Returning it, and by Sir Harpax●old ●old, He pockets up perhaps a piece or two: Hence Harp●x swears, among his other shifts, He none prefers but men of passing gifts. Upon Crab. Epigram 78. CRab being caught, and in the Sergeant's power, For shame and anger looked both red and sour. To Master john Browne of Sp●●kes in Tacolneston. Epigram 79. I Told you, though you have the world at wil● To happiness there somewhat wanteth still, Which is not (as you have) to have a wife, Tha●'s young and passing fair, to lead a life Without disturb, to have a perfect health, Abound in chargeles and unpurchased wealth; These are without one, and unto a mind, Soul-sick, skil-poore, or with ambition blind, Confere no more unto its ease, say I, Then do rich curtains and a Canopy, With pearl and gold embroidered all about, Unto my Lord who lies upon the gout: Though much content her● from a man may find, Who can deny? the fountain is ●he mind, Whence must the soft and silver stream arise, To fence aswell as feed our Paradise. Then as ye would some ●oodly fabric r●●re, Lay your foundation sure, the heavenly feare● And pu●e religion, hereon let be pight, Your lives strong frame that's ●onest and upright, Make ch●ise (a● studs) of ●rusty friends that will Like hea●t of oak, not s●rinke for good or ill, Not the rude rout who only friendship measure As they get by you, and one does them pleasure. Of friendship, these, the base subsistence be, And surfe● of all ingenuity, These are the pies that on your peartree ●op, But build to ea●e the fruit in Autumn up, Or these doubled throated lays, you find, To ea●e your cherries, leave the stones behind: Or haply filled their bellies f●om the ●ree, Bewray the bow, and so away they fl●e. I then advice you for to make your light, Behind experience & a fore foresight, Sith none knows what may fall, close covered lay Up somewhat to withstand a rainy day. Let arts, good parts, a conscience clear of sin, Be your best pride and household stuff within, Then lest the circle in your centre rest, And hold yourself above a monarch blest. Upon myself. Epigram 80. I think the * Northmimmes in Hertfordshire near to Saint Albans. place that gave me first my birth, The genius had of epigram and mirth, There famous Moor did his V●opia wright, And thence came Heywoods' Epigrams to light, And then this breath I drew, wherewith (our own) These shaken leaves about the world are blown. Upon Grantorto. Epigram. 81. THe morrow after just, Saint George's day. Grantorto pi●●ous drunk, sa●e in a di●ch, His hands by●s side, his gelding strayed away, His scarlet hose, and doublet very rich, With mud and mine all beastly raid, and by His feather huge & broad brimmed hat did lie. We asked the reason of his sitting there, Zounds cause I am King Solomon (quoth he) And in my throne● then for the love we bear, Replied myself, unto your Majesty, we'll pull you out, & henceforth wish your grace Would speak your proverbs in a warmer place. Upon D●●●●. Epigram 8●. I Du●●● asked as we at supper sat, How long he had lived in the married sta●e, Sir, just (quoth Du●mo) with my wife I met, In the great plague time, I remember yet, And ●ighing, as he would have burst in twain, Said● now almost the thirtieth of her reign. To R.H. my jovial host at Viroche. Epigram 83. I Wish old Robin that we had thee here, To lie a little with Sir Rossicleere, He swears the Persian summers are so hot, That while he drank the Sun did melt the pot: Thou swearest, in Russia that it freezeth so, That men with sneezing, off their noses throw. He says that one day in a skirmish hot, On's rapier point he took the flying shot. Thou toldst me how an Irishman was slain, Shot through the brains, & after served again. He vo'wd that man's flesh was his only meat In Rome, and neither bread not salt could get● And thou reportedst, how at Remingham, A leaguet was, and thou therein the same, Where th' horse drank up so dry a running flood, That some were choked with fishes in the mud. He says the Morgor mused how England can, As was himself afford so brave a man. Thou in all towns throughout the netherlands, Swearest thou hast swords lie pressed at thy command. Thus at the Tru●● ye much at one do roam, Save thou liest nearer, fa●●her he from home. Upon Rinaldo and Reiner. Epigram 84. RInaldo meeting Reiner in the street, Deep in his debt, he thus doth ●einer greet, You know some money is betwixt us two, That wellnigh now these ten years hath been due● Quoth Reiner, looking down unto his fleet, I' faith and we will part it, if I see't, But as I live Rinaldo I find none, As fain as you, I would you had your own. Upon Saburro. Epigram 85. SAburro now hath sold both house and lands, Exceeding much upon his gentry stands, Auer●ing how his Ancestry and name, From Normandi● in with the conquest came. Saburro should thy gentry's plea stand good, Then ●ag and rag might be of gentle blood. Upon Milo. Epigram 86. MIlo believes and hath a wager laid, The world will end within these fourteen year, By whom or where the money sh●ll be paid, But if he wins is Milo's only fear. To my ingenious pupil, and most honest attorney Master john Cock, of Deepham. Epigram 87. IF Reason be the soul of law, I fain In this point (pupil) would resolved be, How is it that a statute doth maintain, That when the law defines the contrary, Yet reason though far stronger, must give place; And law against reason carry clear the case. To my very friend Master Thomas Augush. Epigram 88 WIth other friend's I bid you to my feast, Though coming last, yet are you not the least. Upon Lodronio. Epigram 89. LOdronio like a huge Westphaly swine, Lies close and never stirs without his doored, Feeds of the best, drinks sack and claret wine, And at commandment hath his lease of whores, That death this hog would stick, the parish pray, For to his hand he's sound singed they say. Upon Rombo. Epigram 90. ROmbo doth ban, chase, deeply curse and swear, And vows revenged o'th' parish for to be, For that his name's not in their Register, Which he so foul a journey took to see, (Not that he is to take up any lands; And one and twenty, that lost labour were, But of his last abode to bring some hands, To save him from a burning through the ear) That for it now he must be fain to look, In Newgate or the Poultry Counter book. Upon Rusco. Epigram 91. RVsco to London having brought his son, To bind him prentice, asked of the lad, What trade best liked him, for he must take one, And only stick to that he chosen had: Then father, if unto an Alderman, For seven years I were bound, I did not care, So after I my time had served (quoth Io●n) I might be sure for to be Lord Maior. Upon Augustus Caesar. Epigram 92. AVgustus hearing how a Roman knight, Whose goods could not pay half his debts, was dead, Yet living slept at quiet ●uery night, Sent to his house and needs would buy his bed, Believing suit it had some virtue rare, That in his case could keep a man from care. Of a Spaniard and a Hollander. Epigram 93. AN Hollander and a Spaniard one day met, Within their Inn, and down to dinner set, Each did begin his country to commend, And reckon up the riches it did lend. What ●ay you (quoth the Spaniard) to our land, Where (taking up an Orange in his hand) These golden apples thrice a year do grow, 〈◊〉 fair as those Hesperides in show, 〈◊〉 they which nimble Atalanta stayed, 〈◊〉 it which Paris gave the Cyprian maid? 〈◊〉 on a Holland cheese by, claps his hand; And in the honour of his Belgic land, Replies, And what can you to Holland say, Of these that yields us thousands * For in Holland as oft as they milk they make their ●●eeses, which is thrice a day: thrice a day? To Sir Ninian Ou●c●●●. Epigram 94● AS Tarlion when his ●ead was only seen, The Tire-house door and Tapestry between, Set all the mulltitude in such a laughter, They could not hold for scarce an hour after, So (Sir) I set y●● (as I promised) ●orth, That all the world may wonder at your worth. Upon Albinos. Epigram 95. ALbinus much the other day did blame, Neates-foote his man for haunting common whores, And somewhere wished him get a wife ●or shame, Or else next quarter get him out of doors. A wife (quoth Neates-foote) never while I breath, I got one lately, but within this mile, When as I thought to die no other death, For just her husband took us in the while. Upon Methusus. Epigram 96. MEt●usus asked me why I called him so●, I answer made, because he loved the pot, For while Met●usus busy i● with it, The fool I'm sure's as busy with his wit. Impresa's. To Master William Rerd, the glory of our Nation for Music. Epigram 97. A Swan set dying, singing, and the word In golden letters, Never such a bird. To my La. M. Epigram 98. A Sceptre Lady, yours within your fist, Your mo● plain english, I do what I li●●. To Master Doctor D●●l●nd. Epigram 99 YOur word, Hine ille lach●im●, beneath, A Venice Lute within a laurel wreath. To my true friend Master William Frost lately gone for Ireland. Epigram 100 A Flock of Fieldfares, thine, upon the coast, Taking their leaue●, and by them, Farewell Frost. To honest Rafe. Epigram 101● AN emblem, R●●e, thou didst request of me, A cudgel lying in an apple tree, Be thine, and since, thou art i'th' Gaoler I hear Thy Po'sie, I am lodged for thi● year. Epigram 102● WHy do Sir john, Sir H●ry, and Sir H●gh, All winter long themselves like cucko●es hide, Within good Towns, and seldom come in view, Save every half year when their rent● are paid? I do imagine (though but my presumption) They lie at Physic for the Purse consumption. To the ingenious and excellent in Po●sie Master Thurstane Smith. Epigram 103. MY noble Thurstane, I do marvel much, How thy brave Muse did find herself employed In Norwic●, spun she jersey with the Dutch, O● lo●t she ought, and so there had it cried? May be, she looked for something in the waggon, Or wished to make a speech before the dragon. To my ever loved scholar Master H●●mond Claxton. Epigram 104. I Prithee Ham●ond do thy labour spare, To ask me what I lack, as I do pass Your shop in Cheap, with sir, here ●a●tens are, Good three piled velvets, taffatas, gold lace: But let me Hammond go in quiet by, For thou know'st what I lack as well as I. Upon Dorinda. Epigram 105. THe fair Dorinda dressed c●p a pie In state, resembles Cambridge Trinity, Her, her all turret, and of wondrous cunning, Her backside broad, and front full fair in show, Only her teeth stand like old rotten Row. Upon Sir Dolphin. Epigram 106. SIr Dolphin can endure no disgrace, And present death 'tis to give him the lie, Yet is he drunk in every alehouse base, In Tapsters, Whores, and Tinker's company. Upon Sir Graceless. Epigram 107. WHile grim God-damm●e, at my Lady's table, Chewing the cud of vengeance still did fit; And (lately bastinadoed) was not able, For melancholy to digest a bi●, But tearing heaven with fearful oaths did threat, The flesh of that base slave must be his meat; And would have said, A dagger he should bui●, Mistaking swore, A beggar he would die. A Latin distich which a Friar of Shertogen Bosch in Brabant wrote in my Greek Testament, while I was busy perusing some books in their Library, intituled● Ad Angliam ve●tram. Epigram 108. ANgelus indiderat, dicas, anne Anglia no●en, Spirituum siquis Lucifer ille fuit. Thus in English. Say England, did an Angel christian thee? If any, surely Lucifer wa● he. His back being turned, I left this behind me, in the first printed page of a fair Arias Montanu● bible, to require him. Ad Syluam D●cis. Epigram 109. DIcere. Sylva Ducis cur falso nomine, sylu● Cum ca●●as, sterilis stagnet et om●is ager? Fallor, an in d●●os arb●r mutatur adse●s, In Monachum stipes qu●m stipe vulgus ali●. Which is in English, Why falsely art thou● called the Dukes-wood, when Thou hast no woods, and all thy fields are fen? Thy Trees (I guess) are turned to sainted stocks, And begging Friars have robbed thee of thy blocks. Upon Ell●● Epigram 110. FRom Norwich e'er since Ello had his wife, He never led one minute quiet life, For if but steps with friends to drink, he swears She coming beats the po●s about his ears, Or if the Hostess in his presence be, Down go the windows, and ye rogue, says she, Faith have I found your haunt, what close with her, Directly home ye foul toad●bellied cur: Have patience Ello, who knew ever yet, B●t that a piece of No●wich stuff would fret? Epigram 111. I One thing Coriat like, whe● I was over, Observed in Andwarp, Arnhem, and Scon●ouer Among the Du●ch, which was they write above, Inn doors, the name (as every man did love) Of several beers within the house t●ey have, As R●●mers, Wesops' Andwarps, and the ●ra●, With Delfts, Breda's, Lubbs, Boga●'●, Engl●sh, and As many ●orts as Cities in the land. Yet though the beer of sund●y natures be, In their being drunk no difference did ● see. Upon Apodemon. Epigram 112. GReat Apodemon surely much hath seen, Since in all l●nde● he under heaven ha●h been; And can of ●●tch as readily relate, Their living laws, their bounds, their wealth and star● As if in twice twelve hours he had gone, With Sol the world's bounds in procession. Arabi● much be praiseth for her smell●, Persis●o● ●o● silks, her gems and pearly shells; For poo●e and barren than he doth condemn, The land of jury with Jerusalem, Virginia, he likes not, cause their air is foggy, Swede's rich in silver, Hungary in gold, E●gland is temp'rate, Muscouie's too cold, But since the pox some few days since he got, He never ●els how Fran●e he found too hot● Upon Saint Mary's Steeple. Epigram 113. SAint Mary's steeple's up and ready soon, But Paul's 'tis thought will lie a-bed till noone● Upon Oenopolio. Epigram 114. Erewhile there was in niger's stream (I read) A jewel found of price invalued. For Nature this, one rude and massy stone, Had cemented of every precious one, To show her skill or make some finder, poor For wealth, to equal the greatest Emperor. The Diamonds disdaining borrowed light, Was here joined with the golden Chrysolite,, The Iacyn●th mixed with the Sa●byre blew, The Topaz Ruby with his fiery hue: He●re Opals Emeralds of glassy green, The Sardonyx with Nigers Pearls were seen: I never saw this wonder, but suppose, It much resembled Oenopolio's nose. Upon Furno. Epigram 115. FVrno (i'th' gaol) commends the days of old, And those same times, our Poets say, were gold, His fate upbraiding which did give him birth, In this worst age of iron, when from earth, A●trea's fled (his) valour wants regard, Religion practice, learning her reward, a iron age indeed that Furno fe●●es, When iron hourly followe● him at heeles● Upon a Dutch Boor, and his answer to Charles the fif●. Epigram 116. THe famous Charles when having lost his way, By Hessens Landgrave Maurice hard pursued, And all a winter's rainy night did s●ray, He knew not whither through thick●ts rude, He saw a light, the dwelling of a Boo●e, And thither road and knocked at his door. And calling to him kenneld in his bed, In gentle wise did crave the time of night; 'tis all by three, in churlish wise he said; The Emperor ask how he knew so right Without a clock, Gets sacreloten, how (Replied the Boor) ●●skellam, pi●●'d but ●ow. Upon Theorbo. Epigram 117. THeorbo both in earnest and in sport. Must bear a part in every company; And will be heard the loudest in consort, 〈◊〉 s●ldome mute or out of tune is he, 〈◊〉 ●hen he wants a case unto his back, Or fe●res (at Tyburn) a base string to crack. Upon Taurus. Epigram 118. Is't true that Taurus late hath lost his wit? How can that be when never he had it? I could believe it, had he fought a fray, And so perhaps his fingers cut away. Upon Sir Tristram. Epigram 129. SEe ye Sir Tristram yonder on the stage, With the huge feather and his snout-fair page, A fearful neat's tongue hanging by his side, With a stilletta to his girdle tied, The very same whom Druso's prentice met, The other day and challenged for a debt Some nine years owing; when Sir Tristra● drew, And in his fury at the prentice flew, Who mildly craved a word within his ear, (For shame, ●aid he, it is to quarrel here) And 〈◊〉 themselves they might but next day meet, In Fi●soury, where he hit debt should quit By valour, or be liable to it. It was agreed, next morrow both gone out, Met, drawn, and ready for to have about, How long to fence, quoth Tristram, hast thou gone, S●●uen ye●res, quoth ' prentice: twenty now ●nd one, My sword, said Tri●●ra●, have I practised: Th●n he●re me fellow, it may not be ●ayd, I ever wronged thee (for by all the God●, A gentleman ● am, and scorn the odds,) Go four●te●ne years yet longer to thy fenc●, I'll meet thee here again two seven years' ●●nc●● On equal terms, and then God-damme●●ight, And by this hand-la do thee any right. Epigram 120. SArtor at Leyde● hath commenced, they say, And come a leaden Doctor thence away. To my very worthy and honest friend Master Robert Constable of Hingham, high Constable of the hundred of Forehew. Epigram 121. As precious wares we see are often wrapped In papery small, so farc● it with me now, Who in these leaves my dearest love have leapt And sent it as a token unto you, Who of a Constable deseru● to be, A justice for your brain● and honesty. Epigram 122. GReat Bomb●s heir, whose golden suit and face● Show like a Cittern in ● guilded case, ●●igr●● 127. NO dull conceit, no left th●t'● p●●●e 〈…〉 No halting feet, or terms ●hat be obs●●●● ●ome near my vers●● those graces I resign●, ●o Chaerilus and foul mouthed Areti●e: For as my mind is merry, honest, fre● I't● image, so my vein ●nd verse● be●. FINIS.