THE PRAISE OF the GOUT, Or, The GOUTS' Apology. A Paradox, both pleasant and profitable. Written first in the Latin tongue, by that famous and noble Gentleman Bilibaldus Pirckheimerus Councillor unto two Emperors, Maximilian the first, and Charles' the fifth: And now Englished by William Est, Master of Arts.  Omne tulit punctum, qui miscuit utile dulci, Lectorem delectando, pariterque monendo. Hor. de art. Poet. 
LONDON, Printed by G. P. for john Budge, and are to be sold at his shop in Paul's Churchyard at the sign of the green Dragon. 1617.   

TO THE RIGHT Worshipful Sir BERNARD GRENVILE, Knight, my very good Patron, saving health in CHRIST JESUS. (* ⁎ *)  
Right Worshipful,  
THe flourishing Almond tree, 
Eccl. 12. ver. 3. 5.  having displayed her silver colours on my temples, and brought forth her argent blossoms; the strong men bowing themselves, & the Grasshopper beginning to be a burden: (as that mirror of Wisdom enigmatically describeth old age) might (perhaps) plead a supersedeas for me, to say with the Poet: 
— Solve senescentem maturè sanus equum. 
Her.   
Thy horse with age and toil oppressed,  
Let loose betime, to take some rest.   
This hath enforced me to retire myself a little, and to think upon some convenient recreation, whereby my drooping spirits being refreshed, I might be able with the more alacrity to undergo the burden of these grave studies, which my function incessantly requireth. In the interim this little book chancing into my hands, I perused it; and finding it to contain matter of pleasure and profit, I thought it a fit subject for my exercise, to employ these tempora succisma, & sublecundaria (which I could spare or steal from my graver studies) in the translating of it into the English tongue, taking more delight in these ludicris literatijs, then in any other recreations what soever, which might yield unto me less profit or content. It was first penned and published in the Latin tongue, by that famous & learned Noble man, Bilibaldus Pirckheimerus, sometime Councillor unto two mighty Emperors, Maximilian the first, and Charles' the fifth, and by them employed in divers weighty affairs of the Empire, among foreign Princes, which he managed with great wisdom and credit. He was for the space of many years pestered with the force of Dame Podagras fury, and repented that he was deluded, or rather befooled by foolish Physicians, (to use his own words in his Epistle) Quod stultus ego à stultis persuasus medicis, etc. That as a fool persuaded by foolish Physicians, I abstained in vain for the space of 7. years from the use of all wines, and that in my often travails and Ambassages, when I was constrained to follow my Sovereign Lord Caesar Maximilian, and sometimes through these Countries where the waters were corrupt and contagious: sed tandem resipui; but at last I became more wise, and found more ease, etc. What I have done in the translation, he that will compare the Latin Copy with this, may easily perceive: what was superfluous, I have pruned: what was vitio Impressoris, defective, I have supplied: some things, as little pertinent, I have changed for other more agreeable for these times, etc.  
If any curious carping Critic (as that malicious Rufus) shall object, that such a subject beseemeth not my gravity: let such know, that I herein follow the example of great learned men: of which, one hath written in the praise of Tyranny, another of Baldness, another of the Fever, 
Dulce est errare authoribus illis.  and that famous Clerk Erasmus, of the praise of foolishness, and showed therein great acuteness of wit, and not the least of their learning.  
You see here, that men of eminent gifts in all kind of literature, have thought it no disparagement, Ineptiendo non inconcinnè nugari, and to have linked pleasure and profit together: for,  
Omne tulit punctum, qui miscuit utile dulci.  
For my part, 
Horat.  as a Translator I have but taught Dame Podagra to speak English, and do send her abroad in a new suit out of her workadays clothes, to apologize for herself: Humbly submitting both myself and my labours to your Worship's censure and good liking, which to me shall be instar omnium, as the judgement of all men.  
Oro, clementi aspicias munuscula vultu  
Quae lusi nuper, postponens seria ludis.  
And so I commit your Worship to the Almighty's protection, incessantly beseeching him (from my very heart) ever to defend and free you from the force of Podagras disease.  
Your Worships in all dutiful observance, to command, William Est.   

THE PRAISE OF THE GOUT, Or, The GOUTS' Apology.  
I Am not ignorant (most reverend and upright judges) how difficult a thing it is, 
Podagra beginneth her Apology.  and full of hatred to root an opinion out of men's minds, being once conceived, and now of long time inveterate, especially of the Incondite, rude and unlearned vulgar, which are not so much led by reason, as carried by a certain violence and impetuous rage (which the Greeks aptly call 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉,) to judge of things. No marvel then, if wanting discretion, without difference, rashly they give sentence: For how can there proceed any right judgement, when Folly captivates Wisdom, Rashness rules Reason, Impotency of mind cashires counsel? Wherefore I greatly rejoice, that now at length time is offered, and liberty granted me, to answer and refel the slanders and objections of the frantic vulgar sort, mine enemies, that (to my grief) I hear not myself always traduced, and be never permitted freely to speak for myself.  
Though it not only toucheth me, but as I suppose, it concerneth you also (O ye judges) that none, upon abare accusation only, 
Si accusasse sufficiat, quis innocens esse poterit?  without hearing should be convicted and perish; For, if it be sufficient for every varlet to accuse, what good man then can be innocent, and uncondemned? Not without cause therefore your serene aspect, a sign of clemency and mildness, and this frequent and renowned assembly doth so recreate and cheer up my spirits, that I cast out of my mind all suspicion of fear or partiality. For, why should I fear, seeing my cause is to be heard before you, whose Wisdom, whose Integrity, whose Innocency is such, that I ought not only, not to suspect; but also, to hope for at your hands, whatsoever shall be just, honest and right, and shall be thought worthy of your estimation, wisdom and credit?  
But before I begin to lay open my cause, I shall crave so much favour at your hands (most clement judges) that with good leave and attention you will be pleased to hear me to the end, permit me to keep mine own order of speaking, and suspend your sentence until I come to the Epilogue and conclusion of my speech. Again, if you have conceived any displeasure, hatred, or indignation against me, that ye put it off, lay it aside, cast it away, and have respect not so much to the calumnies of my adversaries, or mine own person, as to the equity of my cause. 
Truth cannot finally be suppressed.  And that ye will not be offended, if my speech shall raze out, reason enfeeble, truth vanquish whatsoever sinister opinion, malicious censure, and false cavillation they shall forge against me. Truth, for a time may be oppressed, (God so disposing for our punishment, or trial) but finally suppressed it cannot be. Truth is stronger than all falsehood: it is temporis filia, the daughter of time, and will at length prevail. Truth is simplex et nuda, sed efficax et magna, simple and naked, but powerful and strong: splendet cum obscuratur, vincit cum opprimitur: it shineth when it is darkened, and overcometh when it is oppressed. 
Aug. ad Christin.  It was well said of that Father, that Truth hath a double effect, it is dulcis & amara, sweet and bitter; quando dulcis est, parcit: quando amara, curate: when it is sweet, it spareth: when it is bitter, it cureth. 
Arist.  And as wisely Aristotle: Eos qui errant, ad pauca respicere: They that do err, have an insight, but into few things; but that we be not deceived, every circumstance which concerneth any matter, is diligently to be looked into and considered: which if it be, I doubt not but truth shall be of more validity with you, than the malice, envy and taunts of all men. For, I trust plainly to unfold, that all the blame, and evils, how many and how great soever, which light upon my adversaries, are not so much to be ascribed unto me; as to their own licentiousness, and vices. Secondly, That these evils (if they be evils) are not so grievous, but far more tolerable, then either they will or imagine. And thirdly, that I am the cause of much good, and do bring many and great commodities unto men.  
Be you not therefore (O judges) be you not (I say) perturbed in mind, or carried away with passions; but quietly as you have begun, hear me, I pray you, with patience. For, if I prove not plainly what I have promised, it lieth in your power to condemn me: so shall you acquit yourselves of all partiality and blame; and for my part, if I be convicted, I will contentedly undergo whatsoever punishment you shall inflict upon me. But, if I make good all that I have spoken, I desire, that you will not so much respect me, as be mindful of your place and office, that I may receive such upright sentence, as the equity of my cause by law and right requireth.  
But before I address myself to dissolve my adversaries objections, I think it fit to answer first to evil report and rumour of the people.  
For, 
Ob.  if thou be good (will my enemies say) and the cause of so much good unto men, what then is the cause that all men so eagerly hate, 
Sol.  detest and abhor thee? For, though Fame doth very often; yet is it not wont always to err, especially being so inveterate, and every where so frequent in the world.  
And, I again would ask these jolly fellows, mine accusers, Why do Children hate their Schoolmasters, though never so wise and learned? Why do wicked men contemn good Laws? Is it not because the Schoolmaster laboureth to furnish the minds of his Scholars with good Arts, and discipline; that they may hereafter become the better men? And Laws are a bridle to curb the insolency of bad men, to restrain them within the limits of their duty, that they dare not commit what villainy they would. 
Epict.  Epictetus' was wont to say: Aegrisernator est medieus, iniuriam passi lex. The Physician is a preserver of the sick, and the refuge for the wronged, is the Law: Except the Laws (as Anacharsis once said) may be compared to the Spider's web, 
Anacharsis.  which catch and ensnare only the little weak flies, when the great Drones and strong ones, break the net and escape: a thing much to be lamented. But to return from whence I have digressed: it followeth not that the Schoolmaster should be evil, because he is hated of Children, neither that the Laws should be blamed and rejected; because they are abhorred of lewd Luskes, and vain Varlets, even the worst kind of men; but, we must hold that children want judgement, and do censure of Discipline and good Institution, as they whose Palate is corrupt, and infected with a fever, are wont to do of their meat and drink: and vicious men polluted with all filthiness, wish that there were no Laws, that there might be no hindrance to withhold them from running boldly in their execrable and desperate courses. He is not therefore to be reputed evil, which of a multitude; but he that is justly, and that of good men condemned: neither is he presently to be counted a good man, who by many voices is extolled, but he that deserveth praise from the mouth of honest and wise men. And the witness of Conscience is more comfortable than the vulgar breath; but herein I rest satisfied with this saying of the Reverend Seneca: 
De remed. fortuiterum.  Malè de me loquuntur, sed mal●; moverer si de me Marcus Cato, si Lalius sapiens, si duo Scipienes ista loquerentur: nunc malis displicere, laudari est. They speak evil of me, but they are evil men: if Marcus Cato, Wise Lalius, the two Scipt●●s, should speak this of me, I should be moved; but to be dispraised of the wicked, is a praise to a man.  
For seeing the number of wicked men doth every where exceed, none, by their judgement shall be good; for they will commend none, but such as are like themselves; but so far off should wise men be, from accounting the judgement of the insulse vulgar sort, to be of any moment, that in their estimate, they should be of the best men, of whom the multitude speak worst, and traduce most: as chose, they the vilest men, and of basest esteem, for the most part, whom popular applause extolleth to the clouds; as the wise Plato rightly judged: Whoso pleaseth every humour is worthy suspicion; yea, though he maketh a fair show of Virtue.  
Let mine adversaries therefore cease to object unto me these frantic rumours, and rather blame themselves, which are the cause of such pain and torments to themselves, as worthily they suffer; For, they so live, nay, they so drink, they so plunge themselves in riot, and wallow in deliciousness, that they draw, compel, and hasten me to come into their company, and to dwell with them even against my will. For, seldom come I of mine own accord; but most commonly by constraint, as enforced, I attend upon them. If then, I were the plague of mankind, (as they would have it) I should not afflict certain men, but all without difference: but so far am I from hurting all men, that I willingly decline from many; for I take no pleasure in those hard, rough, rustic, agresticke kind of people, which never are at rest, but always exercise their body with hard labours, 
Genio indulgere.  are ever moiling and toiling, which seldom or never give themselves to pleasure, which endure hunger, which are content with a slender diet, the Water often quencheth their thirst, have bad clothing, and worse lodging, 
Whom the Gout flieth from.  fare hard, and lie hard, and can renounce all pleasures of the flesh: I hate, I fly from such.  
But, 
With whom the Gout loveth to dwell.  these my gallant accusers (forsooth) which spend both day and night in riot, whose bodies with Idleness are corrupted, which abhor labour as the pestilence, which enervate, yea, evirate themselves with Venus, which search Land and Sea for dainty Viands, which stir up gluttony with all kind of sauces, which measure the manner of their drinking, not by necessity, but by libidinie, which lie on Down beds, and not only go proudly; but monstrously appareled, 
The Gouts Diet.  which feed upon Oysters, Ecles, and slimie-fish, love Goose, Gosling, and Fennish-fowle, fresh Beef, and moorish Birds, and wash their throats lustily with bowls of Claret wine, drink healths in half pots, and whole pots, till they have drunk themselves out of health, out of wealth, out of wit, and grace too; forgetting that una salus sanis, nullam potare salutem: 
He that in health would long remain,  
From drinking healths he must abstain.  Which flow in all delights, which man's wickedness can devise, 
Si tarde cupis esse senex, vta●…s oportet vel modico medice, vel medico medice. Supta cibus tan quam, laedit medicina salutem: At suptus prodest ut modicina cibus.  whereby they enfeeble both body and mind, and many times (though I be very delicate) provoke me even to loathe their riot; yet, those men are wont to lay upon me all the blame: forgetting their own lives are most corrupt, contaminated with filthy vices, which is the cause of all evil to themselves: and when they err in the whole course of their life, yet (for sooth) they cease not to accuse, and traduce me, but as justly as if a man should fall into the fire, or cast himself head long into the water, & yet should curse the fire, and accuse the water as cause of the danger, which he procured to himself: but this is the common courtesy of the world, to shake all blame from themselves, and cast it upon others, that by accusing others, they might vindicate unto themselves an opinion of goodness, when they are the occasion of all mischief. According to the Poet: 
— Hominum quoque mos est, 
Mantuanus.   
Que nos cunque premunt, alieno imponere tergo.  
What us oppress, and heau packs  
We love to lay on others backs.   
And here just occasion●… is offered me, 
Virtue the foundation of friendship.  to exclaim against the slippery love and friendship of the world; For, who would suspect the love of these men, which all their life long, call for me, invite me; yea, by their misgovernment enforce me to dwell with them, as if they could not live without me? But indeed, in men, in whom is laid no foundation of Virtue, is no expectation of faith and honesty.  
And one of the things (saith a Wiseman) that men think they have, 
Guevarra.  when they have them not, is many friends; yea, one faithful friend: for, by my experience; if thou wilt believe me, I know not any thing wherein thou mayst sooner be deceived. And that which one friend doth for another in these days, 
Of true friendship.  is either to excuse, or hide himself, when there is need of him, being more ready to lend him his Conscience, than his money. And he that will compare the number that profess friendship unto him, with them that have performed the part of true friends; for one faithful, he shall discover an hundred dissemblers. Friendship, was wont to extend Vsque 
A true saying.  adaras, as far as the Altars; but now Vsque ad crumenas, even to the purse and no farther. What is more common in every man's mouth, than friendship, and what more rare, and less in use? They make a formal show of civility, but what they perform is plain divillitie. They will dissemble cunningly, promise liberally, and perform niggardly, give all, and depart with nothing. I am all yours (say they) except body and goods. Surely such is the love of my podagrical friends, so full of contraieties, & oppositions, that it may be called an intricate riddle, which needeth some Delio natatore (as it is in the Proverb) to dissolve it. 
PHILOMISOPHILIAS EICON.  As, What is that which at once, loveth & hateth; flieth & pursueth; threateneth & entreateth; 
Difficilis, facilis, incundus, accr●bus es idem.  is angry & yet pitieth; would for sake, & yet will not; and in the same thing, rejoiceth & sorroweth? The answer is, it is Love: a right portraiture of my loving friends: and therefore one well adviseth to make, if we may, all men our well-willers, but good men our friends.  
And Plutarch warneth men to take heed how they seek for a swarm of friends, 
Mart. lib. 12.  lest they fall into a Waspes-nest of enemies.  
Verily, I crave not (O ye judges) that you should only credit my words; look (I pray you) into the constitution of their bodies, their face, skin, colour, aspect, and going: and if ye find not all these to witness their extreme riot, I will endure willingly any punishment; these seem to be rather Crassiani, than Christiani. Yet far be it from me, that I should censure thus sharply all Plethoric, and gross bodies; for I know it to be natural unto many, which notwithstanding keep themselves within the bounds of Sobriety, and hate all excess. There are also many Students which use a sedentary life, which are so far from surfeiting, that their slender Commons will scarce hold body and soul together, and in whose Colleges a hungry man may as soon break his neck, as his fast; yet sometime I visit them also, because they refuse all exercise, and will not learn this lesson, Ne quid nimis, but by overcooling their feet, and congealing their blood, prepare for me a resting place.  
I am wont also to touch some, which through overviolent exercise, dilate too much the vital pores, extenuate the blood and humours, distemper the Liver, causing podagrical matter to fall down, which begin my habit within them. I therefore am not so hurtful, but they themselves inescate and allure me with their delicacies, retain me against my will to come unto them; they, I say pervert all things, and then convert all the fault upon me. I am present, they wish me away: I am absent, with their vices they call me again: in sickness they seek health in health they make sickness. Their own health they neglect, and cease not to require it of me: they are male factors to themselves, and would have me be their benefactor: they will live dissolutely, and curse me maliciously.  
Consider therefore, (O ye judges) what they deserve, whose life reproveth them, whose form of body bewrayeth, whom inveterate custom reprehendeth. They never think, that they ought to eat and drink, that they may live, and not live to eat and drink; they never consider that only Lurcones and Gulligu●s, are my enemies; for, who I pray you, so bitterly inveigh against me, but only Luxurious men? Who accuse me of cruelty, but only Luxurious men? Who cry out to have me condemned without answer, but only Luxurious men? This being so, (O judges) how dare my adversaries to mutter against me? How dare they appear in your presence? How dare they to crave punishment to be inflicted upon me, being Innocent? But they will say, I am their bitter and torturing enemy; What then? In seeking to be revenged on their enemy, will they prove themselves to be most rancorous and malicious? Verily; if I be so odious in their sight, that they think I deserve no pardon, why then contend they with all their power to draw me unto them? Why then do they not so frame their lives, that I may neither have will, nor power to come near them? For; if they would bridle their licentious lusts, and not so want only plunge themselves in pleasure, if then, they did not prove me more mild and gentle unto them, I were worthily to be blamed; but it is hard for him to be abstinent, which knoweth nothing but to follow riot, and hardly will he prove frugal, which all his life long hath been accustomed to carousing and quaffing. Let them suffer therefore what they will not avoid, and so let them have their health as they delight to live; If so greedily they pursue vain pleasures, let them be content to suffer pain, the inseparable companion of pleasure.  
The ancient Romans to teach this, 
Macrob. lib. 1. de so●●…. Scipionis.  invented this Fiction; they feigned two goddesses, the one called Volupia, the goddess of pleasure, the other called Angeronia, the goddess of anguish and pain, 
Miscentur tristia letis, et mala sunt vicina bonis.  names fitted to their natures: and the Priests of Angeronia did serve at the Altar of Volupia, to signify, that in this life, pleasure and sorrow are mixed together: and the Image of Angeronia (anguish and pain) was always set upon the Altar of Volupia (pleasure) to teach that sorrow is a companion to pleasure, 
Plato in Phaedone.  and pleasure to sorrow. And when jupiter (saith Plato) could not reconcile pleasure and pain, yet he bound them together with an adamantine chain, that though they did ever disagree, yet they should be constrained to dwell together. 
Ambrose.  S. Ambrose hath this prosopopaeia of pleasure: 
Pleasure's Proclamation.  He shall be the chiefest with me, who is the worst of all, he shall be mine, which is not his own, he that is most wicked, shall be most welcome to me, I have in my hand the golden Babylonish cup, which inebriateth the whole earth.  
You see now, they greatly err, which in the gulf of pleasure, seek for health: as chose, wise men in time of health, labour to prevent sickness, quench pleasure, suppress their inordinate appetites, which are the cause of many disastrous diseases to the body: but these men, when for many years, by all means they allure, entice, and provoke me to come unto them, and with so many delights, can scarce make me obsequious unto them, yet they strive to lay all the fault upon me, when they are the very cause of their own misery. What marvel then if I take worthy revenge upon them, and for injuries received, handle them more sharply than I would? And yet I could name many, which through in ordinate living, being pinched with poverty, have against their wills abstained from delicious meats, and drinks, and thereby have recovered their pristine health: which could not be, if themselves, and not I, were not the hatchers of their own woe. And for my part, seeing I give place unto labour, and dare not once touch sobriety; who seeth not my innocency, and the iniquity of mine accusers? And for mine own person and deformed form, which they say, resembleth barrell-bellied Bacchus, and my gate, like haloing Vulcan, I am so far off from blushing, that I rather glory therein. 
She is indidifferent to all.  For whatsoever, and howsoever I am, I know myself to be indifferent, and without partiality to all. I arrest Kings, Princes, rich and poor, noble and ignoble; yea the Popes themselves cannot escape my power: there is no respect of persons with me; except I be constrained to be a guest rather, with nice and effeminate men, then with sober and abstinent persons, not only because by their flattering enticements they solicit me; but because with strong ropes they draw me unto them.  
But here some will object, 
Ob:  that I do not only infest these riotous Gully-guts, but oftentimes such as are very sober and temperant, are afflicted with my disease.  
I answer, 
Ans.  If it be so, yet is it very seldom, and therefore not to be drawn to a general rule. What if they take this grief from their Parents as an hereditary evil? What marvel then, if their Progenitors be sickly, that they procreate an Offspring like unto themselves? You know it is a maxim in Nature: Simile generari a simili: Every creature begetteth his like: How then can they charge me with that which is incident by Nature, or diffused into the children by the Parent's default? Seeing they will not affirm, that their noble descent and splendour of their riches are derived from me, let them leave also to reproach me with another's vice: and if they repute the nobleness and riches of their Ancestors to be a credit unto them, let them not disdain to succeed them also in their hereditary Maladies; but if they would level their lives by the line of modesty, they should find me far more gentle, then either the deserts of their Parents, or perverseness of Nature requireth.  
Galen, 
Hier. in epist.  or the learned interpreter of Galen (saith Hierom) writeth, that they, quorum vita & ars sagina est, whose whole life and skill is to cram their bodies, can neither live long nor be healthy.  
Wisely did Aristotle warn, 
Aristotle.  that we should behold pleasures non venientes, sed abeuntes, that is, not as fawningly they come unto us, but as they depart from us: for as they come, they flatter and smile upon us, with a false show of goodness, but departing, they leave behind the sharp sting of repentance and sorrow. Like sirens they appear with a fair face, but draw after them a horrible tail of a Serpent: For, alas, who is able to number the iliades of miseries, which the short pleasure, of tasting the forbidden fruit, hath brought upon the world?  
But now, 
A preservative against the Gout.  out of the abundance of my good nature, I will prescribe unto mine accusers a preservative against myself (though my Clients have not deserved the least kindness at my hands) out of mine approved Recipes, as by many years practice I have tried to be of great force, to prevent my Gouty habit; which is this: Take of Plato's breakfast one dram; 
Pythagoras' abstained from eating of flesh. Plato was very moderate and frugal. Codius a poor man, whose fare and lodging was mean. Abstemius, one that abstaineth from wine.  of Pythagoras' dinner two ounces; of Abstemius supper as much as thou wilt, and quietly take thy rest in Codrus Cabin, and use upon this (daily) good active exercise of thy body; and then a straw for Dame Podagra, and her disease.  
Si salutem cupis, aut pauper sis oportet, aut ut pauper vivas.  Petrac. de remed. 
If thou desire health, be a poor man, or live as a poor man.  
Now to the second thing which I promised to prove: Men have little reason to accuse me of cruelty, for I am not so bitter and austere to my people (my impatient Patients) as to give them no remission and ease of their pain, as many other diseases are wont to be; which continually, without intermission, torment and afflict wretched men, as the Phthiriasis, 
Phthiriasis, the lousy disease. Mentagra, a pocke or fretting scab.  the Mentagra, the Leprosy, and a number such like diseases which are rebellious, and refuse all cure, and never forsake a man but with his life: but I am sometimes quiet, I give over, and grant a long pause and rest to my subjects; like a good Husbandman, who is wont to unyoke is wearied Oxen, and permitteth them to be refreshed with rest and good pasture.  
Again, I am so gracious unto them, knowing them (for the most part) to be of an haughty and proud heart, and to stand much upon their Generosity, I satisfy their humour so far, that I become an Heraldesse unto them, and do blaze their arms fitted to their nature, and permit them Oneris causa (honoris I would say, we Feminines be bad Grammarians) to make ostentation openly of their ancient family and descent, which they ever carry in their faces: and this is the cause that you should see their foreheads decked with painted pustulls, their noses adorned with precious pyropes, upon their cheeks they bear curious wrought Carbuncles, and such like Escochions, that you may know that their birth is not base and obscure.  
Besides, I am not so hurtful as some affirm; as it plainly appeareth by this: That no man is much grieved, when he heareth his friend to be taken with the Gout, but is rather merry; he cometh unto him, laugheth, jesteth, he presenteth him with some pretty gifts, sitteth by him, talketh pleasantly, and as it were congratulateth with him, as do also his kind neighbours, which come daily to visit him; which surely they would never do, if I were so dangerous, troublesome and hurtful, as they pretend; for there is no man, when he heareth his friend to be affected with any incurable Malady, that will laugh, sport and jest, but rather weep and be sad: for how can he be a friend, that laugheth at the misery of a friend? and if men laugh at me, they plainly show, that they think me on't to be the plague of human kind.  
Again, mark (I beseech you) my gentle and loving proceedings with my subjects: 
Note.  first, before I afflict them, I warn them, by touching a little their great toe; telling plainly: If they refrain not from contrary meats, keep not a good diet, but invite me by their intemperancy, I will pinch them to the quick, and (like Proteus) alter my form and name: I will possess the whole foot only, and then my name is Podagra; If they will take no warning, but wallow in their riot, I will then proceed farther, strike harder, and come up to knee, and then I will be called, Genugra: if they still give a deaf ear, and not leave to provoke me, I will be the Sciatica in their hips, than the Chyragra in their hands; and lastly, I will whip them indeed, and be PANTA PERI PANTON, and possess their whole body so, that they shall have little joy to sing the Epicures song: 
Vivite Lurcones, Comedones, vivite ventres.  
Ye Spendthrifts, Tosspots, Belli-gods, live ye, be lusty.   
This being so, 
Membrifragus Bacchus cum membrifraga Cytheraea, progenerant natam membrifragam Podagram.  how can men justly accuse me, which so lovingly warn them, and bid them beware, for he that is well warned, is half armed? Again, when I begin (being so often called upon) to infest any body; you shall see the whole company of his friends flocking unto him, not to trouble him with distasteful cavils, but to recreate his mind with pleasant discourses, & as congerrones lepidissimi, spend the day in mirth, 
In Graec. Epigram.  which would never be, if I, the causer of this pleasure, were away.  
By this which I have said it is manifest, that there is no man of so obtuse and dull conceit, but plainly seeth that mine enemies do not only unjustly accuse me, but also show themselves to be the brewers of their own bane, and if there be any fault in me, it is far less than they think or would have it.  
But now for my kind slave M. 
The covetous wretch.  Muck-worme (that I may not pass him over without a name) the covetous Caitiff, that Churl, I mean, that cunning Chemist, that hath the skill to convert every thing into gold, who hath studied all his life the black Art, to conjure coin by all means into the circle of his purse; he will not hear the complaints of the poor, for he is deaf to the cries of his own belly, he wrinkleth his own skin, and contracts his own corpse, that he may keep me out; he hath long stolen from many, and now he is become a plain Rob-thiefe, and stealeth from himself.  
Now, because this slave keepeth his coin to look on only, and not to use, putteth the best metal in his coffer, and the worst meat into his mouth, so crosseth pride (which holdeth the dearest things the best) that he counteth nothing good for his stomach, but what is cheapest, and that he may not diminish his stock, 
Nil praeter betas duraque rupa vorat.  to save charges, denieth wholesome aliments to his own body; and feedeth on gross flesh, waterish herbs and roots, 
Alciat.  fusty, musty, mixed, mity, mouldy meats: all his exercise is to sit in his Countinghouse, and to look upon his Noverints; or in the chimney corner poring in an Almanac to presage a dearth, and in a plentiful year would even hang himself, with sorrow, were it not for charges to buy an halter, and is already the devils Lackey; I will also make him my slave, for his liver being by such diet corrupted, his blood putrefied, infinite crudities increased, I will prepare a seat in his sinews for me to fit, I will minister justice in his joints, and send him speedily to his black master Pluto, to dwell in Acheron for ever; but enough of this: I have long abused your patience with unpleasant discourse, now to make amends, I will proceed to a more pleasing subject, and speak of the commodities and profit, which I am wont to cause unto men: only I shall request you (o ye judges) as hitherto ye have done, to give an attentive care to what I shall say. I deny not, that to many I seem very troublesome and grievous; but if they would rightly consider, they should verily find many good things, which by my means they enjoy, which, were it not through my benefit, they should want. 
The commodities of the Gout.  How many (I pray you) for my sake are honoured, to whom no man else would give the way? for as soon as they see me a companion with any, every man giveth place, lest they should throng or hurt me; yea though they be far my betters both by age and condition. Many ride stately in Coaches, or are carried on horseback, which were it not for me, might go on foot. I am willed oftentimes, even before Kings and great States to sit when all other do stand: yea many times when I join myself with Noble men (for commonly I never depart from such) Princes themselves cause their servants to bring me a stool, or chair, when otherwise I might stand long enough. Consider (o judges) whether these things be not of high esteem and request with all men? which all men desire, which all men seek for?  
And not only at meetings, but at feasts also I am honoured before others: for commonly I am placed in the highest room, and though the table be furnished with variety of dishes; yet because all meats are not agreeable to me, and likewise that it be not offensive to my disease, one dainty dish or other is provided only for me of purpose; and all others holding their peace, I only am permitted, and willed to call for whatsoever I think fittest and convenient for my infirmity; and is not this (I pray you) a great honour?  
But haply some froward caviller may here reply: This is done not for honour sake, but in regard of their misery. I answer, that men are wont to respect not so much, why a thing is done, as the good that cometh thereby; and it is sufficient to me, that I am permitted to do that, which is not granted to another, and this I repute a great honour: a poor man considereth not so much why, or from whence he receiveth a benefit, as he is glad in the present fruition thereof.  
And why speak I of poor men? Do we not daily see rich and great men to possess whole Fields, Manors, Lordships, and yet little regard whether by right or wrong, so they may have and enjoy them? And I doubt not but there are many poor men that would think themselves happy, if they might exchange their poverty for this calamity, 
He speaketh according to their manners in Germany.  and be freed from labour, and suffer no want. And what, I pray you, is more delicate than those rich men, with whom I dwell? what more neat than their furniture? what more elegant than their houses? If thou come to visit them, thou shalt find their lodgings, not to lie sluttish, rude and filthy, as other men's, but all things are clean, bright and finely trimmed, and decked like the Taverns at a Fair, or as the Temples upon high festival days; so that thou shalt find many which had rather be sick with such abundance, then be in health with extreme poverty.  
Beside, their visiting friends present them with whatsoever excellent and elegant thing the whole City affordeth, which may either delight the eyes, please the taste, or recreate the care: there shall ye see things curiously wrought; thither are brought of rather and first fruits, and what novelty soever the season of the year can produce: there is to be seen whatsoever is strange and delectable among men; there are not wanting such as carry rumours, and news, and with pleasant tales recreate the mind, and mitigate grief; yea, the affairs of Emperors, Kings, States, Countries, either of peace or war, are related, descanted upon, censured, decided among themselves; one telleth what is done among the Indians, another, among the Italians, another discourseth of France, Spain, Germany, etc. Of all these things, by my means, men have intelligence, though (perhaps) they are ignorant what is done in their own houses; 
Torqueo. podigra.  and thus whiles I detain men with my business, I oftentimes preserve them from great dangers. 
R. Nescis sencctutis mo●em? incomitata non venit; magnam saepe morbo●um aciem ducit.  For, as long as a man is afflicted with the Gout, they will neither commit themselves to the raging Seas, nor expose themselves in hunting, to the fury of wild Beasts, they will not quarrel, fight, or commit murder, they need not fear the breaking of their head, through the fall of a stone from an house; 
Petrace. de remed. utausque for. lib. 2. dial. 84.  sed extra teli iactum, but safe from all danger, securely hear the misfortunes of others spoken of.  
Again, do I not free men from the managing of state affairs, and from the most troublesome business of the Court and of Princes, which without my favour would perplex them with perpetual cares, and sorrows? And yet, in the mean time, I am not wanting and careless (you must think) in my domestical business; but like a good husband, I strenuously cry upon my company; I counsel, yea and compel them to apply their work, look unto their charge for the increasing of my wealth; which I may the more easily do, the less I am hindered by walking abroad. For, though sometime my feet deny their office, yet it followeth not, that they should be altogether unprofitable to my Cellars, Storehouses, and questuary Arts; but the more impotent they are to walk from home, the more apt a great deal are they to my domestical gains: the master's eye, they say, maketh his horse fat: and I by sitting in my chair, or going upon 3. legs about the house, with a Snails pace, do get more wealth, and acquire more riches, than I possibly could by running about, 
Haec his bina, canes, & aves, servi, atque caballi.  hawking, hunting, gaming, riding, company-keeping, and vain pleasures: and thus you see in my bands men wax more wealthy, then if they enjoyed their full liberty, 
Dicuntur dominos saepe vorare suos.  so beneficial I am to my servants, in making them rich.  
These (o judges) are things not to be contemned: 
Hounds, hawks and horse, servants and whores, oft turn their masters out of doors.  but you shall hear far greater; for whiles I am thus occupied about things pertaining to the body, I do not in the mean time neglect the mind, but have a special care for the culture and adorning thereof. You are not ignorant, that learning, and the knowledge of good Arts, are to be preferred before all riches and honours: for look how much difference there is between a stock and a man, so much a learned wise man excelleth an unlearned Dolt. But I am a most excellent Teacher of Arts, and I could name many, which through my benefit, have attained to great learning and knowledge of the tongues: for while they have nothing else to do, they addict themselves to good literature, and that they might not suffer their time vainly to slip away, they daily contend to become more learned: but what speak I of ordinary learning? am not I most expert in instituting my servants in the liberal Sciences, and in all circular knowledge of the globe? especially in that most pleasant and skilful Art of Music, 
Music.  by whose harmony, sweet symmetrical measures and modulations, I expel cares, and wonderfully with my admirable tones of Music delight the ears.  
I also teach them the Art of Rhetoric; 
Rhetoric.  for I am not ignorant thereof, as far as is requisite for us Females to know: for as soon as a man in taken with the Gout, I presently furnish him with matter of excuse out of the very bowels of Rhetoric, for they are ashamed to confess my disease: one saith, that he wrung his foot with a straight boot; another, that he hurt his toe against a stone; another saith, with a slide he hath wrested his ankle; another, that he took a fall: and very ingenious they are to frame excuses to conceal their grief, and blind men's eyes very craftily, and not only perswasively after the manner of Rethoricians, but also like Logicians, subtly reasoning and disputing, with many arguments, and all to shake off the imputation of my disease, which they are ashamed (forsooth) to acknowledge; yea, and confirm it by oath too, if you will not believe them, so hatesome is my name unto them. But to omit these inferior sciences, do not I also furnish with knowledge of the celestial Orbs? 
Astrology.  as Astrology, a most ancient and divine Art, the praises whereof, if I would, yet I am not able to unfold, an Art so excellent, that the ancients ascribe the invention thereof to their supposed gods, and was in old time in such account, that none but Kings and wise men were thought worthy of the knowledge thereof.  
This Art I teach my servants, and so infuse it into their bodies, 
Arithmetic.  that even the Art of numeration, or Tables, they perfectly understand it: not that they are ignorant in Arithmetic, which I teach them, when (as I said) they are so much given to pecuniary matters, that being holden in my bonds, they are more avaricious than when they were free.  
But mark now (I pray you) a miracle, which wonderfully commendeth my force and industry: to understand the motions & change of the heavens, they need no Tables, Globes, Astronomical instruments, or figures; for before there happen any conjunction, eclipse, any alteration of weather, the change, full, quarters of the Moon, or any dire aspect of the Planets, I cause them to know it, not so much in mind, as in very deed to feel the effects thereof in their bodies.  
And that, not only in the great and splendent lights, they are so perfect, but also in the errant stars; so that the infaust aspects, either of cold Saturn, or raging Mars, or when they obliquely behold each other; 
Horoscope is a diligent marking of the time of the birth of a child.  or when the Horoscope itself, or the Moon the governess of man's life, shall be infected with their disastrous influences, all this cannot be hidden from them. There are none that can more exactly and certainly foretell of storms, rain, hail, snow, tempests, or any alteration of weather then my servants can, for they always carry a Calendar in their bones; yea, they presage this two or three days before it come: and may they not (I pray you) through this presaging of times and seasons attain unto ripe wisdom, which consisteth in these three things?  
Corrige praeteritum, rege presence, cerne futurum●.  
What's past, amend, use present well,  
Presage the future to foretell.  
Are not these great things (o ye judges) and full of admiration? yet is it also no less praiseworthy, that I teach my podagrical servants, 
Physic.  the excellent Art of Physic, than which, scarce any thing more singular, for the preservation of mankind, is given of God: This I inculcate and beat into their heads, even against their wills. So that many times they understand the virtue of herbs, flowers, plants, seeds, roots, trees, gums, leaves, minerals, more exactly than the Physicians themselves: beside, their knowledge in the blood of beasts, their skins, milk, galls, fat, bones, nerves, and urine, etc. I instruct them to discern what is cold and what is hot, what is dry and what is moist, what is stiptic and what is repulsive, what is aperitive, attractive, instaurative, and solutive, what in virtue is of the first degree, what of the second, what of the third: and this I teach them not only to know, but also to practise, in making pultisses, cataplasms, baths, repercussives &c. as in all other things, so in this, I make my servant excel not only in Theoric, but also in the Practic: no marvel then if by my means they know the histories of all Nations, and read the fables of all Poets, and (which is a note of a generous mind) when others make a gain of their profession, I teach all this freely, without any hire at all. And when other Empirics prove practices, by killing a number, my experience is safe and secure: hence came this saying; Novo medico novo opus est sepulcreto, a new Physician had need of a new Churchyard; 
A pretty tale.  and therefore Nicocles affirmed, that such Physicians were the happiest of all men, and why? Quontam successus eorum sol videt, errores autem tellus operiret, because the sun seeth their good successes, but their errors are hid in the ground, 
The King's Evil, or Yellow jaundice, which through the overflowing of the gall, maketh the skin look yellow like gold.  that is, in the grave: yet are they so insolent and proud, that a stranger upon a time coming into a City, and seeing a Physician jetting in golden chains, and rich clothing, asked what Noble man that was? it was answered, that he was no Noble man; but a Physician. He replied, o God, what an honest Physician is this, which taketh from other bodies the King's Evil, and putteth it on his own body! 
Hypocrates.  But if my servants would follow Hypocrates counsel: Cibus, potus, somnus, venus, sint omnia moderata; Meat, drink, sleep, venus, let all be with moderation, perhaps they would little need my physic or theirs.  
These things being so: ye understand, as I think, (O upright judges) what great benefits I bestow upon mine accusers, and also how ungratefully, yea, more than barbarously they requite my kindness; but what they have been long devising to object against that which I have said, I know well enough: to wit, that all these things are not to be reputed as benefits, but rather as marks of extreme misery, and that I am the bane and mischief of mankind, rather than a fautrixe or benefactrixe: 
A description of beauty.  for first, for the beauty of the face, which is wont to chain all men in the links of the love thereof, which consisteth (as we Females best know how to describe it) in a large, square, well extended, and clear front, eyebrows well ranged, thin and subtle, the eye well divided, cheerful, sparkling; as for the colour, I leave it doubtful: the nose lean, the mouth little, the lips corraline, the chin short and dimpled, the cheeks somewhat rising, and in the middle a pleasant lovely gelasin, 
Gelasin, is a little dint, which in laughte, appeareth in the cheeks, counted lovely.  the ears round and well compact, the whole countenance with a lively tincture of white and vermilion red, facies roseo niveoque colore mista placet, this (say they) I change and mar, and exhaust the blood, weaken the strength, take away sleep, dim the sight, diminish alacrity, abandon joy, sport and laughter, incurue the joints, fingers, toes, and enfeeble the whole body, and stain and obscure the fresh colour: but in this long and idle frivolous objection, they show themselves to be sick in mind; and therefore judge rather by this passion, then discern by reason: these doltish men know not, that they attribute unto me much more praise than disgrace among wise men, by this their accusation; for while I weaken the body, I cure the Soul; while I afflict the flesh, I strengthen the Spirit; while I purge out what is earthly, I bring in what is heavenly; while I diminish what is temporary, I confer what is eternal.  
No man is ignorant, that the body is the polluting prison of the Soul, the Soul cannot flourish except the body fade and diminish; for this gross lump of the flesh is an impediment unto the Soul, that it cannot mount aloft in the contemplation of heavenly things, it layeth a thousand lets, and casteth as it were dark clouds, whereby the sharpness of the mind is obfuscate and blinded, that it cannot see nor follow the truth; and with how many cares and anxieties are men pierced, in procuring the things pertaining to this mortal body, and use of this frail life? I speak not of superfluous things, but of things very necessary, though (as the Poet saith:) 
— minimis rebus contenta quiescit  
Natnra, in vitium si non dilapsa repugnat.  
Man's nature with a little thing contented doth remain,  
Except it headlong fallen to vice, it doth repugn again.   
And what is above necessaries, may be called the sicknesses or maladies of the mind, as pleasures, opinions, fears, perturbations, desires, love, hatred, etc. which seldom or never permitteth the mind to be at rest, like the violent force of fire, which causeth the water always to boil up till it be removed. For what (I pray you) stirreth up wars, brawls, murders, seditions, rapines, injuries; but the flesh and the desire of having which is never satisfied? For we see now a days money is able to achieve all things. And all this the love of this frail body compelleth us to do, which is the cause, that while we pamper up the body our thoughts are far estranged from any care taking of the Soul, and our minds distracted from providing for the life to come; for our senses are like unto violent horses, which without the reins of reason run away violently with the chariot, but the soul like a wagoner holdeth the bridle; and therefore as horses without a guide, so the flesh without reason and rule of the mind runneth hastily to its own ruin: what a slavery is it then to serve our own appetite? I remember a lesson which I learned long ago of a learned Preacher: 
D. B.  That in choosing a Master every man will shun three sorts of men; his enemy, his fellow, his servant. He that serveth the Devil, serveth his greatest enemy; he serveth his fellow, who serveth the lust of the flesh; he serveth his servant, who serveth the world; it is a base service to serve the world, for that is to become a slave to our servant: it is an uncertain service to serve the flesh, for it is so frail, weak and sickly, that he may look every day to be turned out of doors, and which is worst of all, it is least contented when it is most served; but to serve the devil, is the unthriftiest service of all, for the wages he payeth, is eternal death.  
Wherefore, wise men are wont to sequester themselves as far as they may, from the commerce of the body and worldly affairs, to the end, that the mind may the more freely be lifted up to the contemplation of heavenly things; and the more a man is averted from the body, the more he is converted to heavenly meditations, he abstaineth from fleshly desires, he subdueth his pleasures, he little esteemeth honours riches, nobility, fame, and whatsoever the world holdeth most precious: he feareth not ignominy, poverty, affliction, nor death itself, and all things which are contrary to the flesh, that he most desireth. And wise men are wont to measure their life not by the number of years, but by the time they have lived well.  
I have read of one Similus, who having spent the greatest part of his life, 
A History.  in the troublesome employments of the weal public, and being now old, retired himself into a Farm he had in the Country, and gave himself to prayer and contemplation; and when he died, commanded this Epitaph to be set upon his Tomb:  
Hic jacet Similus, cuius at as multorum a●●orum fuit, ipse duntaxat septem annos vixerit.  
Here lieth Similus, whose age was of many years, but he lived only seven.  
But whoso serveth his bodily senses, besides that he must needs depart from the path of virtue, he shall never obtain what he desireth: for being deceived with the false shows of goodness, he loseth the substance for to catch the shadow, and as the body took beginning from the earth, so the soul had her original from heaven, as one saith not unfitly: 
Immortal soul, from heaven God gave,  
But body frail, from earth we have.   
The body as a servant should be subjecteth unto the command of the soul; the one is heavenly and immortal, the other common to us with the brute beasts. Nothing therefore is more excellent than the soul, nothing more divine, it as far excelleth the body, as the master doth his servant, as the living doth the dead; and as the body maketh earthy things its full scope and mark whereat it only aimeth, so the mind erecteth itself to heavenly things, as to the proper end for which it was created. Ye see here (O judges) how much more noble the Soul is then the body.  
But now will I address myself, 
The prrfite it causeth to body and soul.  to show what a passing excultrix and adorner I am of the mind, and how much I garnish the celestial Soul, whiles I extinguish the vices of the body; albeit I do not always hurt the body, but am wont commonly to profit it also: for I attenuate superfluous fatness, I dry up humours which redound through intemperance, and consume them, lest they should increase to a huge greatness, and bring no small danger to the whole body. Again, as Physicians affirm, I also prolong the life: for except I did depel and drive down to the feet and joints that noxious and pernicious matter, it would doubtless assault the brain, heart, liver, and stomach, and soon extinguish the vital spirits: But to omit those things which pertain to the body, let us proceed to men's vices and infirmities, which I above others am very expert to cure; so that in this Art I yield to none, whether Philosopher or Divine: for I am not only an impediment and curb to my servants, that they run not headlong in wickedness, but also the vices which through custom are become inveterate, I extirpate and expel, and cause that they shall not sin unpunished and scotfree, which if I did not, they would never desist from their wickedness, but still add sin unto sin, evil unto evil, till sin forsake them.  
Now first for this Monster pride, 
Pride.  which is puppis ac prora, the very head and tail of all evil, I must a little insist upon this as I learned of a Preacher.  
Gregory (saith he) maketh 4. kinds of proud men: 1. The arrogant proud. 
Mor. lib. 23. cap. 27.  2. The presumptuous proud. 3. The boasting proud. 4. The despising proud person. The first attributeth every good thing in himself, to himself, and not unto God. The second will confess God to be the giver of all graces, but upon their own merit. The third boast of their virtues, which indeed they have not. The fourth affecteth a kind of singularity and purity, in that he hath, or supposeth to have: Vitia catera in peccatis superbia, etiam in benefactis timenda, when other sins die, secret pride gets strength in us, ex remedijs generat morbos, even virtue is the matter of this vice; 
Aquin. par. 1. quaest. 63. Art. 2.  though all sins are in the devil secundum reatum, in respect of the guilt, yet only pride and envy is in him secundum effectum, according to the effect, he is guilty of all sin, for he tempteth to all sins, but pride is his own proper sin, 
Bern de Passio.  his beloved Paragon; his Rimnon, saith Bernard, his Character, 
Dom. cap. 19  saith another, it was the first sin, and it shall be the last; for as other sins decrease, secret pride doth increase: pride is like Coloquintida, which spoileth the whole pot of pottage. Why then art thou proud, o dust and ashes, whose conception is sin, 
Ecc. 10.  whose life is misery, whose end is rottenness and corruption? Initium vitae coecitas, & obliui● possidet, progressum labour, dolour exitum, error omnia; et diu vivendo portant funera sua. 
Petrarch.  Childhood is but foolish sottishness, youth but a precipitate heat, manhood labour and carking carefulness, old age but a bundle of diseases, and all the rest error, and the end, extreme pain: Oh than what a folly is pride?  
Si tibi copia, si sapientia, formaque detur,  
Sola superbia destruit omnia si committetur:  
If thou hast abundance, with wisdoms redundance,  
and beauties fair grace,  
Yet Pride all disgraceth, all goodness debaseth,  
and Virtues deface.  
But I make pride and ambition strike their sails, and cool their courage, when my force teacheth them how less than nothing man's arrogancy is, how vain is beauty, how weak the strength of body, how fluid our humours, how fleeting our wealth, Nobility a nest of nothings, human glory but a gust of wind; I cause them to remember that they are but mortals, whom pride persuaded to be God's equals. 
En●ie.  Again, while I teach the myriades of man's miseries, I quench envy, emulation, detraction, and the impertinent care of unnecessary things. For how can men be curious in other men's matters, when they have more then enough to do with their own? I take away malice and cavils, so that my servants devise no cunning, crafty circumventions of their neighbours, a thing too common (but with none but Atheists) in these days. They stir up no strife, brawlings, contention among others, which have enough and more then enough to do with their own griefs. And as for hatred and envy, my servants are so far from this vile passion, that they neither envy, nor are envied of others, (for misery is no object for envy) and they deserve rather comfort and pity.  
These (o judges) are matters of no small moment, but you shall hear greater. 
Three things hurtful to the Gout.  There are three things which are most infested enemies unto my vassals, though they daily receive them, but unto me they are very profitable: Gluttony, Venery and Anger. But I respect not so much mine own profit, as the health of my servants: I warn them diligently to beware of these enemies, and if I find that they contemn my warnings, I take revenge upon them for their contempt, and make them for their own case, hereafter be more wary how they set light of my precepts. 
Gluttony.  And as often as by devouring, they too much ingurge their guts, and superfluously gully down wine, I am presently with them as a sharp revenger, I plague them according to their deserts, and counsel them henceforward not so lightly to esteem my hests: yet am not I so agresticke and stern, that I should deny moderate use of meats, or altogether forbid Bacchus his liquor, but through my benefit they many times feed more delicately, 
Venu●.  and are wont to drink more freely; especially, when they celebrate their solemnities with salacious Nymphs. But I deter them from too much addicting themselves to the servile service of that rude master Bacchus, and from being enthralled with the allurements of wanton Venus; so that my servants dare very seldom or never commit adulteries, or whoredoms, I keep them from uncleanness, and preserve maid and wise from their pollutions: but if they be unruly, I so gripe them, that they shall repent of their exorbitant causes, and loath the Female sex: what greater benefit can their best friends confer upon them, then to deliver them from so many evils, 
Anger.  and exempt them from so many perils, as are wont to follow Cupid that blind beardless boy, and Venus a mother worthy such a son? And now for anger, what should I say? It is a vice full of fury and madness, which is wont to send hot and sharp choleric humours into their joints, which shall incessantly prick and torment them; but none know better to cure this malady than myself; they dare not for their life fall into these passions, lest I presently torment them, according to their deservings, and make even their bones to crack.  
Moreover, as I expurge the flesh infected with infinite vices, so I adorn the mind and beautify it with many virtues, I suffer it not to be pressed down, but do elevate it from earth to heaven, and stir it up to prayer and contemplation.  
I think it cannot be unknown unto you, how the greatest part of men are inclined, that if fortune always should favour them, if their sweet should never be seasoned with sour; if the world should ever smile upon them, they would always fix their minds upon earthly things, they would regard nothing but back and belly, and like swine wallow in the puddle of their pleasures: but the afflictions which I lay upon them may be likened unto the tree, called Rhamnus, whose root, leaves and branches, though (as Physicians say) they be exceeding bitter, yet are they very medicinable; for the seed thereof purgeth the body of all gross humours, and the juice thereof cleareth the sight. So afflictions, 
Aug in Psal.  though to flesh and blood they seem austere and bitter, yet are they very healthful to the Soul, they purge out the noisome humour of sin, clear the eyes of the mind which prosperity blindeth, that we may truly know ourselves, see our own corruption, and become henceforward more wary how we offend our loving God, and fly unto him in all our miseries; the scourge of affliction, awaketh the drowsy, humbleth the proud, purgeth the penitent, and crowneth the innocent.  
But I fear I have too much offended your patience with my tedious prolixity: I will therefore conclude with setting down certain particulars, to prove what a precious panacea and all-salving plaster I am for the curing of all spiritual infirmities of the soul: and first for Self-love, the pernicious daughter of Pride, the fountain of much evil, the Lerna malorum, the Sentina and pack of all mischief in the world. Now for the abating of this vice; what remedy better than afflictions, which I lay upon the flesh? I cause men thereby to know themselves, that in their best estate they are but a dunghill covered with snow, subject to pain, aches, sores, rottenness and corruption, we were all taken out and fashioned of the same lump of clay, of the same piece of earth as the poorest and basest whom we so despise; and so I teach men to esteem of others as of themselves, seeing we are all made of the same substance, all subject to the same infirmities, and all hastening to the same end to become meat for worms. Why then art thou proud, O earth and ashes, seeing that in thy most flourishing prime, thou art but filthy slime, a pack of diseases, a sack of infirmities, a Storehouse of miseries, thy body but compact of clay, thy head but a pan of earth, thy whole life besieged with a huge army of diseases, and every one both threatening to arrest thee, and able to kill thee? Thus with my disease I stoop the proudest, and make self-love to quail.  
And for the Viper Envy that miserable fretting slave, a wretch ever sad and pensive; 
Anacharsis.  for besides his own griefs, he ever tormenteth himself at another man's felicity: 
Senec.  I say of him, as Seneca did once; I could wish that the eyes of the envious were so opened, that in every town they might behold all that be in prosperity, that their torments might be increased; for as the joys of others do increase, so the sorrows of the envious do multiply: we can no way more vex the envious man, then by applying ourselves to virtue: for he hath so many tormentors to scourge him, as his neighbour hath virtues to commend him. The poison of envy is far worse than the poison of Serpents; for their poison hurteth others, but not themselves: but the poison of the envious hurteth themselves but not others. Moreover, the envious man imagineth another man's good greater than it is, thereby to increase his own sorrow and misery.  
To this purpose I remember a pretty tale; 
Note a pretty tale.  that certain Physicians meeting together, there grew a question among them concerning the chiefest medicine for the eyes: one said fennel, another eyebright, another green glass, etc. Nay (saith another merrily) it is envy; for that maketh other men's goods to seem greater than they are, and confirmed it by this saying of the Poet: 
Fertilior seges est alieno, 
OVID.  semper in agro,  
Vicinumque pecus grandius uber habet.  
The neighbour's fields are evermore  
with corn much better sped,  
Their flocks in milk more plentiful,  
how ever they be fed.   
There is a Fable, but it hath a good Moral, of the envious man and the covetous man, they both went together into jupiters' Temple to pray: 
Note.  jupiter granted their petitions upon this condition, that whatsoever the one did crave, the other should have the same doubled; the envious man asked many things, and had them, but the other always had them doubled; the envious man seeing this, was grieved, and prayed that he might lose one eye, and then rejoiced that his fellow had lost both his. See here what a diabolical sin envy is, which careth not to hurt itself to do a greater damage unto another.  
But when I come to grapple with this Caitiff, I will so perplex him, and make him so wretched, that no man shall envy him, nor himself have little lust to envy others. I tell him that he is most his own enemy; for the man whom he envieth, may depart from him, but he can never depart from himself: whithersoever he goeth, he carrieth his enemy still in his bosom, his adversary in his heart, his own destruction within himself, and thus I seek to cure this malady.  
And for Covetousness, 
Covetousness.  I am like the club of Hercules to beat it down: when pains and incessant torments enforce the covetous worldling to confess, and meditate with himself, that riches are fickle, that the lives of the possessors are brittle, that transitory riches are but runaways, they will either run from us as they did from job, or we shall be taken from them, (as the Preacher said) of the covetous worldly minded; 
Luc. 12. 20.  Thou fool, this night shall thy soul be taken from thee. 
Abuc. 2. 3.  The covetous man is like hell in the enlarging of his desires, 
Basil in hom.  to contain all; more greedy (saith Basil) than the very fire which goeth out when the matter faileth: but Covetousness is never quenched, whose desire burneth as well when he hath matter, as when he hath none, He always goeth with a three-toothed flesh-hooke; the one is called Petax, which desireth all; the other, Rapax, which catcheth at all; the third, Tenax, which holdeth fast all. Now when the Gout gripeth him, I teach him to meditate thus with himself: O, what pleasure can I take in riches which I have so greedily scraped together? I see they can yield me no ease at all, no, not so much as free me from a fit of fever: I now take no more pleasure in them, 
Qui cupit aut metuit, etc.  they no more delight me, then as the Poet saith: 
— Lippum pictae tabulae, 
Horat.  ut fomenta podagraxs,  
Auriculas Cytherae, collecta sorde dolentes.  
Who covets, or who lives in fear, his goods do him delight,  
As much as blind man pleasure takes in pictures finely dight;  
Or one that's deaf doth take delight in Musics silver sound;  
Or as the Gout in foments, when the grief doth most aboard.   
What joy take I now in my stately houses, which I have built by theft? in my large fields which I have gotten by deceit? my cursed sacrilege, in devouring Christ's patrimony, which will be like the Eagles feather, to consume all that I shall leave to my heir? in my revenues, for which I have damned mine own soul? In my gold and silver, which I have heaped together with the sweat, yea with the blood of the poor? what comfort take I in my life itself which I have so unprofitably spent, when I made my heaps my heaven, my gold my god, my lands my life? I see now I have chosen dross for gold, rust for silver, loss for gain, shame for honour, toil for rest, hell for heaven. I see now, all worldly cares are frustrate, and fruitless; I will therefore aspire to heavenly treasure, which is eternal, which no rust can corrupt, no moth fret, no thieves steal; in regard whereof all other things are but dung and dross. I will now fix my desires upon the life to come, where there shall be no sickness to afflict me, no malady to torment me, no griping griefs to assault me. Thus, where there is any spark of God's Spirit, I teach men seriously to meditate; Happy, and thrice happy they, which have the grace thus to suppress their inordinate desires of riches.  
The ambitious man in his swelling humour, 
Ambition.  which by all means seeketh to aspire unto dignities and honour, who had rather be vulpeculae caput, quam cauda leonis, the head of a fox, than the tail of a lion, as the Proverb is: when I visit him, I cause him soon to strike his lofty sails, I humble him, and enforce his haughty heart to stoop, I make him to know that he is like a Carbuncle, which is the name of a precious stone, and of a swelling sore or tumour: he hath together glittering glory, and wounding woe, he liveth inter malleum & incudem, betwixt the hammer and the anvil, 
Duplici laborat invidia, invidetur ei, & invidet ipse Senec. in Epist. 85.  between hope and fear: I tell him that honour is not in honorato, sed in honorant, not in him which is honoured, but in the mutable breath of the vulgar people: he is sick of a twofold envy, he envieth others, and others envy him. I cause him with Moses, to choose rather to suffer affliction with the people of God, then to enjoy the honours of Pharaohs Court: I make him consider, that weeping and gnashing of teeth is the reward of the proud, and the requital of the honours which the wicked have in this life; I cause him seriously to say with himself: O why should I be so foolish as to suffer myself to be carried away with the vanities of pleasures, riches and honours, seeing I find no contentation in them? I enforce him when he groaneth of the Gout, to cry out: Vanity of vanities, all is but vanity; and thus though I afflict the body, I lift up the Soul, to the contemplation of heavenly things.  
Now to my dear darlings, 
Lose, licentious liucis.  those loose, lewd, licentious, lecherous, luskish Libertines of the carnal Crew, my filthy slaves, a word or two: I can style them with no better titles, because they always solicit, trouble, allure, and vex me with their importunate calls, and with their riotous living, even enforce me to come unto them: 
The Pocks.  therefore I am seldom absent in mine own person, or else I send my sister, the Lady Lues of Naples, to enfrenchise herself into their bones, a far worse guest than myself: and betwixt us two they are so tormented, scourged and consumed, that our abundant humours, do quickly put them out of their wanton humour, or else with fear, pain, and weakness utterly disable them. Yet have I an especial regard of their Souls, for I cause them to consider, that this sin shall never escape God's revenging hand, that they are no better then carnal Epicures, wholly sold over to iniquity, that they are like Stallions ever neighing after their neighbour's wives, 
2. Pet. 2. 22.  rather swine than men, whose delight is altogether to wallow in the puddle of filthiness, that they are like the Centaurs, and Minotaures, whose upper parts resemble men, but in the lower parts they are very horses and bulls. I labour to bring them to true mortification of the flesh, as of whoredom, adultery, gluttony, drunkenness, revenge etc. For what pleasure can the adulterer take in his fleshly lust, if he would but consider, 
Incipit a risu, curis coalcscit amaris, Desin●t in lacrymis improbus iste furor. Mant.  that his evil life doth not only (as Gods just plague) fill him full of incurable diseases, but also makes him subject to the eternal curse, to remain in perpetual torments, that his adultery is a separation from Christ, and that the bed of his pleasures shall in the end be the cabin of his tears, at the day of his death? This sin beginneth with mirth, is continued with cares, and endeth in torment. Wanton pleasures begin in lust, proceed with shame, and end (for the most part) with pocks and contagion. These pleasures (as I heard our Preacher say) are a deep pit, 
Prou. 22. 17.  and none, but with whom the Lord is angry, shall fall into it. And so by this meditation I labour to bring them to repentance, that their souls may be saved in the day of the Lord.  
As for my little Lullabies, 
The vanity of beauty.  Mistress Wagtail, the Wanton, and her fellows, whose flourishing fresh figure maketh proud (for fastus inest pulchris) when the rose and the lily strive in their face for pre-eminence, whose Coraline lips, cheerry cheeks, vermilion dye, lovely eye, golden hair, etc. and other endowments of Nature they have abused, to draw the loose Libertines to the gaze, and to catch them in the snare: I will also plague these for the abuse of God's gifts, in making them nets of the devil to ensnare unstable souls. I tax not all, who are adorned with the grace of beauty (for I know many of them sober, chaste, and modest) but such as love not to be too heavy, and are somewhat * Catholic; 
Universal or common.  whose wanton life hath diffused many contagious humours, through their whole body, and yet have a desire to seem fairer in the eyes of vain men, with a deceitful foppery and painting, then with spiritual beauty of virtues, to shine before God and his Angels: whether their beauty consisteth in clearness of skin, which is called Pulchritude, or in neatness of body, which is called Form; I know how to abate their pride: if they were as fair as Nereus, 
Nereus.  I will soon make them as deformed as Thersites, their fair hue I make pale and wan, 
Thersites.  when their bodies are replenished with evil 〈◊〉, which will breed 〈◊〉 their bodies swellings, tumours, ulcers, gouts, lepries, etc. the reward of a wicked life, and so I will enforce them to confess with wise Solomon, Favour is deceitful, and beauty is but vanity.  
Another most excellent lesson I teach my Clients, 
Friendship.  and that is, how to make choice of a true friend, a thing in these days most profitable; I tell them, and make them feel, that they are no faithful friends, which draw us to prodigality, riot, drunkenness, as are our pot-companions, carousers, health-drinkers, etc. whereby the Soul is polluted, the body defiled, crudities engendered, and I with my disease constrained to scourge them, and bring them to ruin: but they are to be reputed out true friends, which counsel us to sobriety, temperance, moderation in eating and drinking, chastity, and such like, whereby health is preserved, nature rectified, strength maintained, my malady expelled, and life prolonged. And here I remember a wise instruction delivered by our Pastor, for we talkative Femails have not the worst memory; (Oportet mendacem esse memorem.) There is (saith he) a counterfeit friend, a timeserving friend, a falsehearted friend.  
The counterfeit friend goeth always masked, in his mouth he hath always ave, All-haile, God bless you, but in his heart he hath, Cave, Take heed of me, I will cut thy throat: such ever give poison in a golden pill, he is totus viscosus, all lime, 
Read Ecc. 6 ver. 7, 8, 9, etc.  his words are lime, his gestures lime, his countenance lime, and all to catch thee as the Fowler doth the bird, his words are complemental, but his heart deviseth thy downfall: all his plots are for his own profit, and gloss for his own gain, he riseth by thy fall, and getteth by thy loss; a man cannot be too circumspect and heedfully wary of such: Try and trust, for there are many lurking holes in man's heart.  
The timeserving friend is like the Cuckoo, or the Swallow, which in the pleasant spring, and summer of thy prosperity, will take pleasure in thee, and warm himself at the sunshine of thy fortunes; 
Nullus ad amissas ibit amicus opes.  but in the winter of adversity, he will not know thee: no longer a friend, then on the winning side.  
The falsehearted friend, his policy is to dive into thy bosom, and sound the secrets of thy heart, that he may undermine thee in thy purpose, hold thee still in fear, and hurt thee at his pleasure: 
— Scire volunt secreta domus, 
Inuenal.  atque inde timeri.  
Thy secret dealings they would know,  
That they may keep thee still in awe.  By secret policy, and Machiavellian trains, seeking to effect that which they cannot by honest means, nor violent courses; a Herod within, and a john without; a wicked Politician in a Ruff of the Precisian set. 
T. A.  Shallow honesty, is better than the quicksands of subtlety, and plain dealing is a good plain song, 
Palling.  as one accutely saith; this counsel of the Poet in this case is not to be despised: 
Let no man know thy secret deeds, thy friend have always so,  
While friendship last, that thou foresee, he once may be thy foe.  Take heed of such friends, and be not hasty to entertain friendship with any: and so much for this.  
Now if any will object, 
Ob.  that all other diseases can effect these things which I have spoken of, as well as I or better: That I deny, 
Ans.  and utterly deny: For other diseases do quickly, some suddenly, suppress life, or do so afflict them that they have scarce any leisure to think on their Souls health but it is far otherwise with me, for I know how to extend my force, and when need requireth, in convenient time to remit it again and give them ease, which other diseases seldom do.  
Albeit (O judges) I could allege much more for myself, yet will I now make an end, when I have showed by the example of great men, that my society is neither shameful, nor wretched. It is the part of Heroical and Noble minds, indifferently to suffer prosperity and adversity, and to make a virtue of inevitable necessity. And to let pass many Potentates of the Earth: that Trojan Monarch, Priamus, admitted me into his golden Palace; Peleus, Bellerophon, and Oedipus, did not exclude me; Plisthenes, Prothesilus, and prudent Ulysses, received me courteously; and haply (which some may wonder at) Achilles himself, though swift of foot, could not avoid my power. Let the Grecians fable as much as they will, That he was displeased for the taking away of his Paragon; it was I that kept him from the battle; I, (I iwis) was that Brise's, which made him contemn the entreaty of the Grecians. Would not now any wise man choose rather to suffer some hardness, with those famous Noble Personages, then with vile, base, and abject persons, to wallow in Swinish pleasures? and rather labour to adorn his mind with Virtue, then like brute Beasts, to become a slave to the belly, and corruptible flesh?  
Mala quae cum multis patimur, leviora videntur;  
The griefs that we with many bear, the better may sustain.  
Ye have heard (O Noble judges) my just Apology: now it remaineth, that I beseech you to weigh all things in the balance of Equity, and then by your upright sentence free me from these malicious calumniations and false accusations, which my wicked enemies lad me with, when themselves are most in fault, and inflict upon them deserved punishment for their licentious and filthy living: so shall Truth be honoured, yourselves for justice commended, and my Accusers reform, and myself bound incessantly to pray unto the Almighty, that your Honours be never touched with my disease.  
FINIS.