THE IRISH HUBBUB OR, THE ENGLISH HVE AND CRY. BRIEFLY PURSVING the base conditions, and most notorious offences of this vile, vain, and wicked AGE. No less smarting than tickling. A merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fools to be angry.  
By BARNABY RICH Gentleman, and Servant to the Kings most excellent Majesty.  
Mounted aloft upon the world's great stage.  
I stand to note the follies of this Age.  Malui me divitem esse, quam vocari. 
LONDON, Printed for john Marriot, and are to be sold at his shop at the white Flower-de-luce near Fetter-lane end in Fleetstreet. 1618.   

TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE, SIR OLIVER SAINT JOHN Knight, Lord Deputy of IRELAND.  
Right Honourable,  
FOr want of a better cloak, whereby to shelter these endeavours of my untutored pen, I have borrowed an Irish mantle.  
I might have clad them in a more glorious garment, I confess that would have made them more acceptable to the world, which graceth men now adays more for their outward show, then for their inward virtue: but this habit wherein I have now suited them, carrieth no show of pride, and is fittest for them to travel in, that having first in all reverent and dutiful manner presented themselves to your honourable view, and with like humbleness again besought your Lordship's favourable passport, and then to wander through the world, where they shall meet with men of divers dispositions, who seeing them come out of Ireland in this disguised manner, hoping to hear some strange news, may entertain them for a time, and howsoever their expectation be answered, may suffer them to pass, some in respect of policy some in respect of pity, and some in respect of piety.  
The lines I send, are like flowers that be of sundry smells pleasing and displeasing, according to the diversity of men's complexions: if they offend any, I am sure they be such as do know themselves to be faulty: perhaps they may displease some that are accounted to be worldly wise, but not any one at all that is truly reputed to be godly wise: and in this cause I would not stick with Marcus Cato, to stand to the censure of my most depraver Titus Gracchus. I have grasped at abuse, yet under generalities, and have adventured at many matters, whereof some not altogether unnecessary: Amongst some others that be more serious, I have mixed measurable mirth. I have been somewhat curious with the Painter, to give every shape his perfect shadow: I have presented all together to your honourable view, to the end that at your leisure they might serve you to laugh at; for others, if they find themselves aggrieved, let them lump and lower. they shall but show themselves to have guilty consciences.  
If my ability were answerable to my good will, my service to your Honour would stretch far: In the mean time, pleaseth it your Lordship to accept of his good intent, that liveth to do you what service he may, and so will rest while he draweth breath.  
Dublin the 24. of june 1618. Your Lordships in all humble and dutiful affection, BARNABY RICH.   

TO THE READER.  
Gentlemen, my custom is rather to lay me down to sleep, then to sit idle: yet now to avoid both, I have betaken myself to my pen. And therefore if the matters that I write of, fall out to be but of a drowsy disposition, the wonder is not great. But he that should keep a reckoning how he spends his time, and would set down an Item for thus many weeks, for thus many days spent in idleness; and Item again, for thus many hours, for thus many minutes consumed in sleep; the Arethmetician that should cast up the account, should find the total sum amount to just nothing. If these lines therefore prove to be any thing, they are better than either sleep or idleness.  
I have meant them well; and I hope I shall not need with the Painter, that taking upon him to picture forth the forms of sundry beasts, so unperfectly performed them, that he was driven to write over their heads, This is a Lion, this is an Elephant, this is an Unicorn: but what I have aimed at, I have gone so near the mark, that although not leveling at any man's private person, yet so directly expressing the condition of the time, that there is none (I think) to contradict it.  
But we are grown so wise and sharp-sighted in reading other men's writings; that those passages that are but meant and set down in a general manner, they will draw to such particular constructions, as the Author himself never so much as dreamt on.  
They can poison every man's labours with their looks, and of every line they can make a libel. But thou that art not partial in judgement, nor dost, not bear a guilty conscience, judge of these but as thou findest them true. And so farewell.   

To the discreet Reader.  
THese harmless lines, that have none ill intent,  
I hope shall pass in mirth as they were meant:  
I bring no strained stuff, that might induce  
A cloaked shift, or forge a coined excuse.  
What I intent, is but to make you sport,  
By telling truth, to please the wiser sort:  
Truth is the mark that I have aimed at here;  
And I have hit the white, and shot so near,  
That no depraving tongue, nor wrangling spirit  
Can wrest awry, what I have forged so right.  
For gald-backt jades that stand in doubt and dread  
Of being rubbed, let them forbear to read.  
I wish these lines to their approved wits,  
Where reason rules, and wit with judgement sits:  
Where virtue guides, and wisdom sways the mind,  
Let these read on, and censure as they find.  
And what it is that I have aimed at now,  
The wise may judge; for fools I care not how.  
B. R.   

THE IRISH HUBBUB; OR, The English Hue and Cry.  
THAT which in England we do call the Hue and Cry, in Ireland, they do call the Hubbub.  
The intent of it was at the first, that when any Rebels or thieves came to do any robbery in the Country, they should then raise the Cry (which they call the Hubbub) thereby to give notice to the Inhabitants round about, that they might combine and gather themselves together in a main strength, either to rerover any prey that the thieves or Rebels had taken, 
The reason of the Hubbub.  or at the least to make resistance in their own defence, and as much as in them did lie, to save the Country from any further spoil.  
This was the first institution of it, but they will now raise the Hubbub upon other sleight occasions. If a couple of drunkards do chance to fall together by the ears. If a man being drunk, or howsoever otherwise distempered, doth fortune to strike his wife. If a Master or Mistress do but beat a servant that hath well deserved it, they will raise the Hubbub.  
Of these Alarms and Outcries, we have sometimes three or four in a week, and that in Dublin itself, among the base and rascal sort of people, and as these Hubbubs are thus raised in cases of anger and discontent, so they use to give the Hubbubs again in matters of sport and merriment. And there is not a people under the face of heaven, that will sooner deride and mock at any thing that is not in use and custom among themselves, than the Irish will do.  
And as the Irish are thus pleasantly conceited, to jest and to scoff when they find occasion, so they have as great facility in weeping, as Stanhurst a famous man amongst them, for his excellent learning; for first he was a Chonicler, than a Poet, and after that he professed Alchemy, and now he is become a massing Priest. This Stanhurst in his history of Ireland, maketh this report of his Countrymen: They follow the dead corpse to the ground, with howling and barbarous outcries, 
The proverb of weeping Irish.  pitiful in appearance, whereof (as he supposeth) grew this Proverb, To weep Irish.  
Myself am partly of his opinion, that (indeed) to weep Irish, is to weep at pleasure, without either cause or grief, when it is an usual matter amongst them, upon the burial of their dead, to hire a company of women, that for some small recompense given them, they will follow the corpse, and furnish out the cry (as Master Stanhurst hath said) with such howling and barbarous outcries, that he that should but hear them, and did not know the ceremony, would rather think they did sing then weep. Such a brutish kind of lamentation, as in the judgement of any man that should but hear, and did not know their custom, would think it to be some prodigious presagement, prognosticating some unlucky or ill success, as they use to attribute to the howling of dogs, to the croaking of Ravens, and the shrieking of Owls, fitter for Infidels and Barbarians, then to be in use and custom among Christians.  
And yet in Dublin itself, there is not a corpse carried to the burial, which is not followed with this kind of mourners, which you shall hear by their howling and their hollowing, but never see them to shed any tears. And from hence I think indeed ariseth the proverb, to weep Irish. So that it appears, how the Irish have wit and discretion, both to weep when they list, and to laugh at their pleasure. And I am glad of it: for I will make a little bold to borrow some of their agility; yet not to weep without a cause, for that were right to weep Irish; but to laugh, and to give the Hubbub, when I see a cause, and neither to forbear Irish nor English. For we daily see the pride, the drunkenness, the swearing, the bawdry, the bribery, the popery, all the most lewd and idle vices: the beastly and devilish fashions the one doth use, the other doth imitate; wherefore then should I not let them see themselves, and their abominations, that so they may amend. If not, yet to let the honest plain men view their follies, that so he may laugh at their fooleries. Doth not this deserve the Hubbub to see ugly vice doth bear the name of seemly virtue, and drunkenness reputed good fellowship, murder called manhood, lechery named honest love, impudence good audacity, pride they call decency, and wretched misery they call good husbandry, hypocrisy they call sincerity, and flattery doth bear the name of eloquence, truth and verity, and that which in former ages was called flat knavery, passeth by the name of wit and policy. If I should weep for any thing, it should be for some mad conceited grief: Like the woman, that when her Husband was hanged on the forenoon, she fell a weeping in the afternoon, and did lament with such vehement shows of sorrow, that her neighbours coming about her, began to exhort her to patience, telling her that she was not the first woman that had had Husband hanged, and although the manner of his death was somewhat disgraceful to the world, yet they wished her to play a wise woman's part, and not to take such grief whereby to hurt herself for that which could not now be holpen: True, true indeed, answered this sorrowful woman, it cannot now be holpen, and I would be loath to hurt myself by playing too much the fool; neither do I take this grief 
* The old Proverb. It's no more pity to see a woman weep, tha● to se● a Goose go barefoot.  for that my Husband was hanged, but for that he was not hanged in a clean shirt: if his linen had been cleanly about him, his hanging would never have grieved me.  
But me thinks if our women in this age were but half so kind to their husbands as this poor woman showed herself to be, that woman might weep with great grief and anguish, that had not her husband hanged, and not only in a clean shirt on his back, but likewise with a yellow starched band about his neck. For yellow bands are become so common, to every young giddy-headed Gallant, and light heeled Mistress, that me thinks a man should not hardly be hanged without a yellow band, a fashion so much in use with the vain fantastic fools of this age, for I never see, or heard a wise man that did use this base and lewd fashion.  
The lamentable tears of Heraclitus, bemoaning the vanities of his time, were now out of season, who would regard them? I think it therefore better to laugh with Democritus; for a little mirth (they say) is worth a great deal of sorrow. But I think there be some will be angry if they be laughed at; and howsoever they incline themselves to follow the fools fashion, yet they will not be mocked. But I will come over these fellows with a proverb that many years ago I brought out of France, and thus follows the text: He that will make himself a sheep, it is no matter though the Wolves do eat him: and why should it not likewise follow, He that will make himself a fool, it is no matter who laughs at him.  
I cannot think that since the first creation the world ever afforded so many monsters of men, nor so few modest women, as at this present age. And he that writes with an upright conscience, must not flatter: and he that doth behold the deformed vanities that are every day hatched up, and brought to be in fashion, both in the Court, City, and Country, as well in England as Ireland, cannot choose but laugh. Now if any one be angry at my plain speeches, I know he wants either wit or honesty, and then it shall but augment my sport, and make me to laugh the faster: for I am sure there is no man that is not an enemy to his own discretion, but will think I have spoken truth; and there is no good man but will approve what is lust: for fools I care not.  
Now for women, I know there be a number as well of old as young, that are both wise and virtuous, that knowing themselves to be free from all detection, will never be offended with my honest meaning: and as I love and honour those that be good, so I never meant to please those that be proud and lewdly given.  
If I be offensive to any queasy stomach, it rather proceedeth from some distempered humours in the party so offended, in that he knoweth himself to be guilty of these crimes, and so may think I point him out for a fool, then of any fault of mine.  
May we not a little scoff at those, that do nothing else themselves but make a scoff at virtue? Is not the world come to that pass, that men do rather glory in their sins, then either seek to reform, or to show any signs of sorrow or amendment?  
Name me but the Drunkard, 
Drunkards are the devils sops.  that over night hath been carried like a beast to his bed, that is ashamed of it the next morning, but is rather ready to laughed at it, and to fall to his draff again afresh.  
Is it not so with the Adulterer, 
Adulterers are wicked thieves.  that doth take greater pleasure in the vaunting of his adulteries, than he did in the acting? Look amongst all sorts of sinners: do they not rejoice in their abominations, and make themselves merry with their own iniquities?  
Is not the man that feareth God become a laughing stock to those vassals of vice and villainy? 
These & divers others are the common sins of the time that heap God's judgements on this land.   
The proud peacock, he looks asquint at him that doth not shine in silk, and glister all in gold.  
The drunken swad, he makes a wry mouth at him that will not be once a week drunk for good fellowship.  
The blasphemous wretch accounts him for a Mecock that cannot swear voluntary, and lash out for every word an oath.  
The vicious lecher will call him Puritan, that will not bear him company to a Bawdy house.  
The known harlot, that lives in daily adultery, will not stick to shoulder the honest woman, that was never detected, and will strive with her for place and precedence. Vice doth so guard itself by tyranny, that no body dares open his lips to reprehend it.  
Mark but the vicious Courtier, how he flatters, swears, and forswears, and damns himself to the Devil, to please the eye of greatness, tells false lies, and tales, to act any villainy, when murder shall accompany lust even to poison innocents. But God is just, and doth reward them with shame here, and in death Hell doth attend them.  
The great-ill-man hath discharged honesty for coming on his ground, and hopes to be Lord of as much ground as a Kite can fly over in a day. O Raven, for he dips his bill in poor men's blood.  
The unmerciful usurer and his broker fasten their long talents upon the decayed borrower; tell them of honesty, they term you pragmatical, and talk of nothing but thousands, as though they meant to spit shillings in the face of any that oppose them.  
The subtle Lawyer that pleads in ill cases, sells silence, takes fees with both hands, and like an ill Surgeon keeps the wound of his client green, till he hath emptied his purse.  
The deceitful Tradesman that keeps a good and a bad weight, because he hath a heart and a heart, holds honesty an enemy to this thrift; because he meaneth to be unreasonable rich, he can be content to be unmeasurable sinful.  
The bold faced stage player that trades in poisoning all sorts and ages with verses reesed in the smoke of lust, and blasphemous scripture jests; these and the like stink in the presence of God, and one day God will send them all to him, whom in this life they served.  
It is our sins then that have raised the Hubbub: the cry is up, and it is become so loud and shrill, that it hath pierced the clouds, it hath aspired the heavens, and it hath approached the presence chamber of God.  
What is man that he should be thus prone? He is vain, fickle, weak, and wondrous arrogant: Then to fret him, he is ever swayed with love, lust, ambition, enmity, compassion, joy, jealousy, fear, hope, despair, sadness, with hate, revenge, avarice, choler, and cruelty.  
But I thank God for it, I am not so mad, to think that I am able to terrify those with my words, that the threatenings pronounced by Gods own mouth cannot make afraid; when our Preachers may cry out till their throats be sore, denouncing God's vengeance against sin and wickedness, are rather derided than believed.  
What folly were it in me then, to presume to induce those to the fear of God, that I think have no regard neither to God, nor the Devil; that do live as though there were neither reward in heaven for the just, nor punishment in hell for the wicked; that do demean themselves, not as though they were ignorant of God, but as though they did do their uttermost to despite him?  
The world is now too far spent, to look for either grace or goodness upon the earth; and the sins of this age are grown so proud, that they are passed all reformation.  
Were it not better for me then to laugh than to weep, and for companies sake to be merry, and to sport at their follies, that I think are privileged by Letters Patents from hell, to follow their own lusts and pleasures, and to feed themselves fat for the Devils own tooth?  
What is become of our ancient bounty in housekeeping? Those whose ancestors lived in stately Palaces, like Princes in their Country, bravely attended by a number of proper men, now come and live in the City, where they are but inmates, rogues by statute: and my young master and his boy spend that which was wont to maintain so many. What is the reason of this? An ancient Father of the Church saith, Mutant oves pro avibus, boves pro piscibus: They give as much for a bird as their fathers for a fat Wether; and more for a fresh Salmon, than they for a fat ox: and how scant a portion of these dainties comes to the alms basket, all men may judge. Nay we may say they put all their fat beeves into their embroidered and perfumed doublets, their fat sheep into their scarlet slops, the eggs and flower that should make the good pies and pasties, into starch for their yellow bands; all the smoke that should come forth of their chimneys, is blown out at their noses: Finally, they make but a puff of all their fathers left them.  
And now to begin my sport, I cannot choose but give the Hubbub, when I meet so many of my young Masters passing thorough the streets, attired so like strumpets, tricked up in the harlot's trim, for all the world like a Seamsters maid new come out of the Royal Exchange. Me thinks they should not swear an oath but by God's dainty: they are not worthy to carry the name of men, that are so far in love with their own deformities, as I think of my conscience, if the souls of the deceased might look down from the heavens to behold the things that are done here upon the earth, there be a number of parents that would be ashamed to see the vanities of their own children, how far they are estranged, both in form, fashion, and condition, from the discipline of virtue, and the precepts which they themselves had been educated and trained up in. Our minds are effeminated, our martial exercises and disciplines of war are turned into womanish pleasures and delights: our Gallants think it better spend their lands and livings in a whore's lap, than their lives in a martial field for the honour of their Country. We have converted the collar of steel to a yellow-starched band, the lance to a tobacco-pipe, the arming-sword and gauntlet to a pair of perfumed gloves; we are fitter for a Coach then for a camp, and our young Gallants are now become so wise in their own conceits, that they will take upon them to know all things, that do not yet know themselves; and that which in former ages would have been accounted for a noisome and a malapert kind of sauciness, that they ascribe to proceed from the vivacity and quickness of wit: but he that should behold their courting compliments when they be in company amongst women, could not choose but laugh and give the Hubbub.  
They are so vain to see to, so foolish in their words, and they have so many distracted engines of action, as would sooner turn a wise woman's stomach, then win her love.  
Parents do well in being careful to leave their Heirs large revenues, for the most in number amongst them would never be able to live by their wits; their greatest study is but to follow pride and pleasure; and this is it that fills the world so full of fools.  
Gentlemen were wont to bring up their Heirs in the knowledge of Arts and literature, it now sufficeth if he can but write his own name in a Mercer's book, put his hand to an Obligation, or to a bill of bargain and sale, this is learning enough for a Gentleman in these days.  
Nor I cannot see but that he that would seem to have most knowledge, doth show (indeed) to have least grace, nor they let not (so far as I can perceive) for being the more learned, to be any whit the less foolish: the time hath been a man would have been ashamed to have begged a recompense, but for some special service performed for his Prince or Country: but now, for the drinking of an Health, for the lighting of a Tobacco-pipe, or for their laying of a Scene, to act a piece of villainy.  
We buy Titles of honour with gold, 
Offices are gotten by flattery, and begged for no desert at all  that our Predecessors purchased with virtue, and wherefore but to defile a Dignity, to maintain pride, and to seek precedency? the time hath been, that the Honours and Dignities were given not to the rich, but to the honest; and they were well punished, that would seek by money to oppress virtue, 
Honesty stands at the gate and knocks, and bribery enters in.  that would first seek by oppression, by extortion, and by the ruins of the Commonwealth, to gather riches, and then (distrusting their own virtues) have no other means, whereby to advance themselves, and to take place of those that were their betters borne, but by corruption and giving rewards.  
It hath ever been a thing detested amongst the multitude, to see an unworthy person, that either inclined to pride, to covetousness, to oppression, or to such other like, to be advanced, either to Honour or Dignity.  
Their high titles may sometimes augment their reputatations, seldom times either to mend their manners, or to benefit the Commonwealth; yea, we must needs confess them to be honestly come by, that are so dearly and truly paid for, but yet all things well considered, it is but money ill laid out to purchase a Dignity, whereby to run the Buyer into infamy, and endless misery.  
I will not meddle with the Nobility of this age, that are well known to be nobly descended, as well from ancient as from honourable families, yet there have been some others, that would fain have run currant for six shillings eight pence sterling, that if they had been brought to the Balance, would have been found too light by a great deal more than the common allowance of two grains; but if they had been tried by the Touch, or brought to the Test, we might have sworn, that all was not gold that did glister.  
To be virtuous in this mad age were vain, when vice is altogether graced; I will raise the cry against the Courtiers, but if I speak all that is true against the Courts of Princes, I shall be too tedious in my short survey of abuses. Only this, Courtiers have delight, not in virtue, but most of them in vice: what are they better for high blood, high titles of honour, stately buildings, costly fare, rich raiment? all their pleasures and dignities are but vanity, unless endued with the rich rob of virtue: by the steps of flattery, most Courtiers learn to climb; the Courts of Princes are given to fornication, adultery & ravishments, which are counted young Courtiers sports: in Court they oppress virtue, honesty scorned, innocent men persecuted, Ribalds preferred, presumptuous men favoured, flattery advanced: Princes courts are like gardens, where one gathers virtue, the other plucks vice, one sucks honey, another draws poison.  
We do read that in former ages, this insatiate desire of Honour was so bridled and kerbed, that these oppressing practices were well enough prevented, and so circumspectly looked into, that no ambitious person (contrary to the rules of honesty) should either by bribery, or any other manner of corruption, aspire either to Office or Dignity.  
I could now laugh till my belly did ache, but for angering of my Lady, to see so many madonna's perched up, that we are not able to know a Lady from a Laundress, we cannot distinguish between those women that be of honour, from those that are but base in parentage, whose best bringing up hath been in washing, in starching, in scraping of trenchers, in filling the pot, yet not cross the streets but in a coach.  
She that treads upon the ground, or walks on foot but the length of a pair of Butts, she must have a supporter, 
They will ride in a coach, though it be to a bawdy house and the footman keeps sentinel at the door.  some lusty young Stallion must lead her by the arm, or she cannot go.  
Now of mine honesty (fool that I am to swear) when I myself was young, and should have been seen in such sort, to pass through the streets leading a young woman, they would have thought I had been conducting of her to some Bawdy-house.  
But should I speak of women in general (I will not meddle with Ladies of Honour) and I know amongst the rest, there be a number as well of old as young, that are both wise and virtuous, who (knowing themselves to be free from all detection) will never be offended with me for speaking the truth, and as many wild and vicious, both in court and country; and as I love and honour those women that be good, so I never care to please those other that be ill. I know again there be a number, that (of my conscience) are more honest than they themselves do make show to be, that a man would think by their outward appearance, they had made port sale both of virtue and honesty, or what virtue or honesty they have, they do conceal; but for their vices, they are set open to show.  
And doth not this deserve the Hubbub, to see one of these old antiquities, I mean a Lady that is so far spent in years, that she is ready for the grave, and more wisdom for her to provide herself a winding sheet, then to suit herself in coloured silks, in gaudy attires, to cover her hoary scalp, with a curll'd-perewig, and to look out every day for new fashions.  
Wheh I see such a Beldame (that is past child bearing) to be thus youthfully disposed, it puts me in mind of the Proverb, That our old horse would have a new saddle. And what is become of that modesty that was wont to be amongst young women, when maidens do now grow faster into impudence and audacious boldness, than they do into years or virtuous endeavours; when she, that as well in her apparel as in her behaviour, doth show herself to be now masculine, doth then think herself to be most in fashion.  
Are not our young women, in this age, trained up from their very infancy, to be as bold, as insolent, and as shameless, as either Ruffian or Roaring boy? If they be once past fifteen years of age, if their parents will not give them husbands, they will provide themselves of paramours.  
Give me leave a little to tell you of the first Institution of roaring, because there is such a number of that brave rabble-rowt in every city, and almost in every countrey-towne. The first roaring was at the Tower by Roaring-Meg the great ordnance, for they sluft her breech with venomous powder, and set fire to her touch hole, and she roared. And then the Lions being so near, they roared. And then the Bears of Parish garden hearing the Lions, they began to roar. And the Boys coming to see the Bears, they learned. And ever since their hath been a company of Roaring-boys.  
They were wont to be brought up in honest and virtuous exercises, now in wanton idleness, in impudent and immodest boldness.  

These be fit for the Italian fines, not for any honest man's wife.  She that is tongued like a Lawyer in the Termtime, that never speaks but for profit, she that can dance a synque-paace above ground, so lofty that a man may see her silken garter: she that can both laugh and weep Irish: she that can sing come tit me, come tat me: she that can play Ladies love lusty Lads, on the Voyall de Gamba: she that hath been brought up in the knowledge of tongues, and can speak good Ram Alley: she that can learn fastest to forget shame, Why, this is a Minion for a man's tooth; she is fit to be made a childbearing woman: there is nothing so much endeavoured amongst women, as to blaze and set forth their beauties, and to this purpose they have devised many artificial helps to set it forth. And because to have many Lovers to be still hanging about them, which they suppose to be a testimony of this their borrowed beauty (the rather to entice and draw them in) they run into behaviours of little modesty. What a number of Knights, and gentlemen's sons in this age, are drawn in by these base and vile strumpets, to spend both body and goods, lands and lives, to please and satisfy his honest whore, that must have her face painted, her hair powdered, her locks curled, her silk petticoat embroidered with gold, her gowns of cloth of silver, cloth of gold, and the yellow band and feather, with divers other dainty devices: so strangely deformed, the Devil can hardly invent the like: so demeaning themselves with such wanton countenances and shameless gestures, that they do manifestly make offer (and sometimes do give themselves for a prey) to those men that are of a base and vicious disposition, 
Crack Chambermaids the Master's whore the Serving-man's wife.  that will accept and join issue with them, till they begin to long for green plums, and then they will as quickly abhor them, as they made show suddenly to love them, and then he leaves her fit to serve a brothell-house, unless some baseminded groom (as I know some such there be) will take her for a wife, and can be contented to live by his wives bringings in; and these be they that do help to replenish the world with Harlots and common Tweaks.  
She that hath born a bastard to a man of note, 
* It is holden a credit, to be a bastard to a great man of fame and note, as this example showeth.  she thinks it to be no blemish at all to her reputation; nay, she thinks the better of herself. I remember I have read in a French history of a Duke of Guise, that was well known to keep Monsieur Granduyles wife, who was a Gentleman of great estate, and likewise descended from an honourable Family, who after he was dead, there grew some question of his wives children, whether they were legitimate and begotten by her husband, or bastards to the Duke of Guise, for so the most of them were supposed; the eldest son protested with a vehement oath, that he had rather be accounted the noble Duke of Guise's bastard, then to be reputed cuckold Granduyles son, and in this humour he forsook his inheritance, and left it to his younger brother.  
Now (of my conscience) a number of our gallant girls in these days be of the same disposition, they had rather be accounted an harlot to some great parsonage, than an honest man's wife. And all things considered, they are partly to be excused, when such harlots shall be better graced, than the woman that is honest, and my Laydy will take her into her own coach, when Chastity shall trudge on foot, and be scoffed at.  
Beauty that is joined with honesty is out of request, who doth regard it? and a man were better to slander an honest woman, then to speak truth of an harlot.  
We may call a scold, a scold, and it may pass without any great peril: but we cannot call a whore, a whore, but with danger; for if she be able to put on a silken outside, and to fee a Proctor in the Commissaries Court, though she be a known strumpet by the report of all her neighbours, yet we must not call her whore, unless we be able to bring two other eye-witnesses: and she that is so open in her business, that she will have two or three pair of eyes to look upon her, is fitter for a cart, than she is for a coach.  
Well, blessing of his heart yet, that would say, Thought was free: and when I see a woman have a painted face, with a powdered periwig, her breasts laid open, her stomach naked, almost down to her navel, to speak truly, I know not what to think; but let her be as honest as she list, these are but like Tavern signs, that are hanged out but to call in customers, and they are indeed the Forerunners of adultery, vice, and villainy. And if she be honest that thus setteth herself to the show, yet it hath been questioned, whether chastity joined with vanity, doth merit any commendations or nay: but this is without all question, that this overmuch affected folly doth live with no less suspected honesty: she is but an ill huswise therefore of her own credit, that will bring it into a vulgar construction: but as the mouth of Wisdom hath avowed, that A wise married wife is her husband's glory, so it were much better for a man's own credit, to marry a wise harlot, than a foolish honest woman: A wise harlot, that can shelter her escapes with such discretion, that the world shall neither see nor wonder at it; then a foolish honest woman, who although she be honest of her body, yet in her attire and outward show, every man doth think her to be an harlot. Nature hath not ordained all women to be wise, there must be some vain, if it be but to fit the humours of those men that are no less fond than foolish. And as there be in women sundry kinds of allurements, so there be in men as many several desires: for as some do fancy those women that be gaudy and garish in their apparel, and therewithal so lavish of their eyes, words, and gestures, that they do promise easily to be won, and do give a lustful hope to the beholders: so another lusteth after her that can season her beauty with a sharpness of wit, and hath Art and skill to hide a thousand crafts and subtleties, under a smooth tongue.  
Some are seen to dote upon those women, that can accompany their beauties with coy countenances, and scornful words, that hideth not her thoughts, but carelessly speaketh what she thinks.  
But the man that is wise, entirely loveth her that is honest, sober, modest, that so tempereth herself in all her demeanours, that virtue hath seemed to settle herself in her looks and countenances, and that the graces are there heaped together like a pleasant posy, compact and made of many flowers, and that of the most fair and excellent in the garden: but where in God's name should a man go seek for such a wife? I think in moors Utopia or in Terra incognita, an Island never found.  
Or what is become of that age, when simple beauty without any help of Painter's Art, was best beseeming an honest woman? when bashful modesty enclosed in a woman's breast, was the best lure whereby to induce honourable reputation? The Devil hath here set another snare to catch Ladies and Gentlewomen, which besides their costly clothes, they must not content themselves with good faces of Gods making, but dainty painted faces, fit for painted Apes: now they do paint with Indian excrements, and besmear themselves with jewish spittle, too base and vile to chaste honesty, that I do admire how Ladies and Gentlewomen can affect such loathsome stuff. I think one were better salute the backside of an honest woman, than the artificial face of one of these painted jezabels.  
They were then beloved of the wise, of the virtuous, of the learned; but now by the vain, by the lewd, and by those Hermaphrodites that are not worthy the name of men, and therefore to speak truly, not worthy of honest wives.  
Would you know who was the first inventors of this painting the face, and breasts? It is said, an old Bawd, whose beastly youth procured her a hateful age, and she resembling dame ugly, my Lady Hard-favors chambermaid, she was overriden and surfeited, all the hair of her head fell off, her eyes were sunk into her head, her nose dependent long and slender down to her chin, she was mouthed like a Plaice from the one ear to the other, her teeth rotten with sweet meats, and stinking yellow, her face and skin like the outside of rusty old bacon, and she spits in her hands to make her moist, her body, and legs swelled with the dropsy as bog as a mill-poste: this neat and curious piece of bawdry would needs be made new and fresh again, like the blossoms of May; her doings and customers decayed failing, she called to counsel three main pillars of her house, which was Mistress Whore the younger, Mistress Fructifier, and Mistress Tweak the elder, and when they had drunk each one a quart of burnt sack, their wits were full ripe; and then she questioned with them how herself the old Maypole of mischief might be repaired, and they invented the Art of woman painting for the face and breasts, which to this day the women of that Trade do continually use, and I am persuaded not any other, which how beastly, odious, and ugly it is, I leave to all honest women to judge.  
What should a vain Fantastic do with a wise woman? No, she that hath her face painted with white and red, she that hath her bands starched with blue and yellow, she that in stead of a plume of feathers, can deck his Coxcomb with a pair of horns, she that can sympathise with him in his own folly, she is fit for him, there is neither pot broken, nor water spilled between them, there will be a good accordance, it were pity the banes should be forbidden.  
We were wont to say, it was a wise child that did know the own father, but now we may say, it is a wise father that doth know his own child. I protest, I do not know a dishonest woman in England, nor in Ireland, of mine own experience, but if we may give credit to reports, or believe what they themselves do make show to be by their outward appearance, there were never so many, and the trade is become to be so universal, that they cannot thrive the one by the other; their gettings do but serve to shift off the time, till they become to be some four or five and thirty years of age, & then if they do not turn Bawd, they must either be turned into some Hospital, or end the rest of their life in a spital.  
But this plenty of Harlots hath done some good in the Commonwealth, it hath much abated the price of Bawdry; for now a whoremonger may have his pot of Ale, his pipe of Tobacco, and his pocky whore, and all for his three pence, and that almost in every by-Lane. A happy thing for poor Knights, that the market is thus beaten down; for one of these high prized Harlots, that must have her silken gowns, her guarded petticoats, her embroidered smocks, her needlework edges, her powldred periwigs, and her costly Cates, she is able to undo a whole half dozen of Knights, one after another.  
She will make him to spend his Revenues, to sell his land, to disinherit his posterity, and his whole estate to be evermore doubtful, and still in danger of burning.  
She will leave him so weak in his purse, so feeble of his body, and so rotten in his bones, that the sovereignty of his Tobacco will never be able to cure him.  
I cannot tell how I should pass over these matters without giving the Hubbub: but let us now look into the apparel that is used, and that as well by men, as by women.  
There is nothing whereby a man may more readily judge of the inward disposition of the mind, then by the outward show of apparel. Our words, our behaviours, and our outward attires, they are all tongues to proclaim the inward disposition, either of men or women: for there is no doubt but that a fantastical attire is a plain confirmation of a fantastic mind.  
But if I had as many mouths, as Argus had eyes, I should yet want words to express the foolery of new fashions, the only cloak whereby to patronize the frantic humours of this madding age, is the multitude of mad men that doth use them, which now by custom are grown so familiar, being practised by the multitude, that if they were acted but by a few in number, I think that if they themselves did but stand by to behold them, they would account them to be worse than mad, that did so much affect them: but yet in this deformity of fashions, it is commonly seen, that wisemen do sometimes follow fools.  
But of all occupations, I will bless myself from being a Tailor, especially to any of those of the decayed Order: for when the Tailor hath spent his wits to fit him in the new fashion, which he must fetch from France, Flanders, Italy, Spain, and that he hath shown his skill in cutting, pressing, printing, racing, guarding, and stitching, yet he swears he hath spoiled his garment: And I cannot choose but laugh, to think how the poor Tailor must endure to be called Rogue, Rascal, Fool, Ass, Pricklouse, Butcher, Bungler, and to suffer the worshipful Knight Sir Giles Goosecap, to rage, to rail, and to swear that his garment is marred, he hath cut it too long, too short, too wide, too straight, and he must be contented to endure all, and glad to get him home with his bill in his pocket, not daring to ask his money for a twelvemonth after. For a woman's Tailor, the best way to please my Lady, is to have some interest in her Chambermaid.  
It would be tedious to set down what means hath been used to draw in money for the supply of wares, what great sums of money have been raised from the pride and excess that hath been used as well by men, as by women, in their guarded garments, their coloured silks, their gold and silver lace, and their such other superfluities: If these exactions were now looked after, I think it would draw deep, when Cloth of Gold is thought too simple, unless it be ornified with some rich imbroydery, either of Gold or Pearl, for otherwise, he that his father's best coat was but of homespun cloth, doth disdain to wear it.  
Pride is now become the mother of devotion, for it driveth a number to Church, that go thither more to show their bravery, and to seek precedence, than they do to serve God. The Sabbath day, which the Almighty himself hath commanded especially to be kept holy, that day above all the rest is most profaned, and God is more dishonoured with this monstrous sin of pride upon the Sabbath day, than he was when Lucifer was first deprived from the joys of heaven.  
If we keep our doors shut up during the time of the Sermon, we think we have done enough. And there is a provident care had, (if it were as carefully observed) that no Victualler in the time of Divine Service should retain in his house any drinking or disordered company.  
Do but now find me out the Tavern, the Inn, or the Alehouse, where God is more dishonoured on the Sabbath day, than he is in the Church itself, and then at that very time whilst the Preacher is in the Pulpit.  
Look but upon the abominable pride that is there to be seen, and thou wilt say, 
O damned pride a main step to hell.  it is fitter to profane the Temple, then to do God honour. The pride of this Age is greater than ever it was, both in Nobles, Knights, and Gentlemen, and as well in those that should give good example, as teach precepts, in high and low, rich and poor, all sorts, all degrees, are excessively proud: and as it were in despite of Religion, to attire and prank up ourselves in that pomp and excessive pride, as were fitter for a Brothell-house, then for the house of God.  
I would not be thought to be too general in my words, for God defend but there should be many good and godly disposed persons that do frequent the Church, that are no less zealously inclined then godly devoted: yet he that should duly consider of the excess that is used in superfluous vanities, would rather judge them to be the marks and monuments of a people that never heard of God, then to be in use and custom amongst Christians when they be serving of their God.  
We go to Church indeed upon the Sabbath, and we say it is to seek Christ, but it is to seek precedence, to dispute of dignities, to strive for places, to contend who shall go before, and who shall follow after, and therefore to mock Christ rather then to seek him.  
Christ is to be sought in lowliness of heart and humbleness of mind: we must seek him in fear and trembling, in mourning garments, lamenting and bewailing our sins: and therefore let those counterfeit hypocrites choose whether they will be angry or pleased, for I will laugh at them, and give them the Hubbub too, that will say they go to seek Christ in pride and presumption.  
We read in the holy Scriptures of three wisemen that came to seek Christ, (the Papists would have them to be three Kings) but did they come in my pomp or pride to seek him? It is written, they gave him gifts, Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh: and this (in the opinion of most learned Divines) was preordained by God himself to relieve the necessity of joseph and Mary, who were then presently to fly into Egypt for the safety of the child JESUS, whom Herod did seek to murder.  
We do read of Zaccheus, that came to seek Christ, and he was driven to climb a Fig tree, but to get a sight of him: the text saith he was rich, but his apparel could not be sumptuous, that was fit to climb a tree.  
We read again of the Virgin Mary herself, that for three days together had sought Christ, whom in the end she found amongst the Doctors in the Temple: but do you think she road all this while in a Coach, that she went thus to seek him?  
Christ himself came to seek us when we were lost, nay when we had lost ourselves, and were sold under sin: but when he came to seek us, and to save the world, did he shine in silk, or glister in gold?  
How is this world changed? We cannot now go to seek Christ, but we must be clad in silk, in satin, in velvet, in cloth of silver, in cloth of gold. Every unworthy Madam, that her mother hath trudged many a mile on foot to go to market, she cannot now go to Church but in a Coach, if it be but the length of a Bowling Alley.  
The six days that God hath left unto us to follow our worldly businesses, we misspend them with many foul abuses; but the Sabbath day, that we reserve only to show our pride.  
Thus under pretence of going to Church to serve God, we go to Church to mock God, and our coming home from the Sermon, doth rather show us to be returned from the celebration of those filthy ceremonies which in the old time were solemnized in Rome to the honour of Flora, then to come like Christians with any sign of repentance, or show in amendment of life. We go to Church as we use to take Tobacco, more for custom and good companies sake, then for any good it doth us.  
Could we but now mark what pass this age of ours is grown unto: this age of ours, I say, that doth make so great show to profess Christianity: we are all now for pride and pleasure; but let us take heed, for pleasure is but the forerunner of misery and pain, and pride that hath deprived the Angels from the joys of heaven, is now grown so stately, that she must have her swinge, she will not be reproved.  
Virtue cannot endure to be penned up in the minds either of men or women, that do so far exceed and super abound in vanities.  
Amongst those things that our Ancestors did ever observe as notes whereby to know a harlot, there was none more special than the gaudy and garish garments.  
Solomon again he setteth down the bold audacious woman to be a bird of the same wing; then what shall we say to her that carries all these marks about her, that is both light and vain in her apparel, and that is both impudent and shameless in her demeanour: this woman hath lost her evidence, and she hath nothing to show for her honesty.  
There is mention made of a Canon, whereby it was ordained, that if a woman had passed through the streets attired like a harlot, howsoever she had been wronged by any man, or violently assailed, she should have had no advantage against him by Law. But if that Canon were now in force, our streets would never be without great quarrels; for their damnable new invented fashions do show themselves to be no less than monsters. Me thinks it were good therefore, and as well for men as for women, to determine with themselves how they would be accounted, and so to suit themselves in their apparel accordingly.  
Let men show themselves to be like men, that do now show themselves like women, to look like Maid-marian in a Morris-dance, fitter for a Sempster's shop, then to fight for a Country.  
Our nicety hath brought into oblivion, the examples left unto us by our ancestors, they used none of this tricking, and this trimming up of themselves, this frizling of hair, this curling of locks, this starching with blue, with yellow, and with all the colours in the Rainbow, their best painting stuff was dust well tempered with sweat, the true monument of Travel, of Labour, of Industry, and of Action.  
Now for women, she that powders her Periwigs, she that paints her face, she that lays open her breasts, she that bespots herself with patches, and lays herself naked shameful to think on, she that disguiseth and deformeth herself every day with new fashions, if this woman be honest, wherefore should she do these things, unless of purpose, because she would be thought to be a harlot, but if the woman that doth thus disguise herself doth not want a little honesty, I am sure she wants a great deal of wit.  

Their excuse is, if we should not follow the fashion, none would regard us: So they go to hell for fashion's sake they care not.  These vanities of vanities, what are they else but the traps and trains of hell? and whilst the body is thus pranked up in pride, the poor soul goes thread bare, and being made playfellow with the body's wantonness, she never feeleth her own evil, but that evil only which the body endureth.  
But alas how few are there now left to tell the upright and plain dealing of our Ancestors, what care they had of the common good, how provident they were to reform these over-exceeding vanities; but how few are there now that would either hearken or regard it, or would either precedent or follow their examples?  
Or what shall become of after ages? What example of goodness shall we leave to our posterity? The younger sort can but learn by tradition, what they receive by example from their Elders: and what can they hear or see either at home or abroad, that is not altogether vain and unlawful? And besides the forwardness of their own natures which still are ready to all impiety: they have within doors the examples of their Parents to encourage them, that do think the readiest way to prefer their children (but especially their daughters) is to bring them up in insolency and impudent boldness. 
We seldom see grapes on thorns  And how is it possible that the daughter should be chaste, that is not able to number her mother's fooleries, nor to cast a true account of all her vanities, sometimes perhaps of her adulteries.  
If men and women should but degenerate from the rules of virtue, as fast the next age, as they have done but within the compass of our own memories, they that should live to see it, may bid adieu to all virtue and honesty.  
Democritus made himself merry with the follies of his time, but he could not have half the sport to laugh at, that our Age now affordeth: the sins of those times were but dull, dampish, drowsy; they were not half so quick spirited as now, that are become to be more capering, more active, more nimble, and far exceeding in agility, over they were in former ages.  
When Alexander killed his Clitus, 
A Drunkard's life is most wretched, and his end is commonly most fearful and damnable, as nine in one Shire have made a lamentable example, the year 1617. He that first invented that use of drinking healths, had his ●●aines beat out with a pottle pot: a most just end for inventors of such notorious abuses. And many in pledging of Healths have ended their lives presently, as example lately in London.  drunkenness would rather have drawn tears from Heraclitus, than laughter from Democrytus; but it is now become to be more familiar, more conversant, more sociable, and drunkenness is now a continual company-keeper in every Tavern, in every Inn, and in every Alehouse.  
But the base bruits that do frequent these places, are not worthy the laughing at, I will therefore go seek out better company.  
There is no feastings, no banquetings, no merry meetings, but if it be not solemnized with a company of drunken sots, that before they be ready to say grace after meat, if some of them be not carried away drunk to their beds, the cost is but cast away, it is not worthy to be called a feast. In former ages, they had no conceits whereby to draw on drunkenness, their best was, I drink to you, and I pledge ye; till at length some shallow witted drunkard found out the Carouse, which shortly after was turned into an hearty draft: but now it is enjoined to the drinking of an health, an invention of that worth and worthiness, as it is pity, the first founder was not hanged, that we might have found out his name in the ancient record of the hangman's register.  
The institution in drinking of an Health, is full of ceremony, and observed by Tradition, as the Papists do their praying to Saints.  
He that begins the health, hath his prescribed orders: first uncovering his head, he takes a full cup in his hand, and settling his countenance with a grave aspect, he craves for audience: silence being once obtained, he begins to breathe out the name, peradventure of some Honourable parsonage, that is worthy of a better regard, then to have his name polluted at so unfitting a time, amongst a company of Drunkards: but his health is drunk to, and he that pledgeth▪ 
The Ruffingly order of drinking healths, used by the spendalls of this age.  must likewise off with his cap, kiss his fingers, and bowing himself in sign of a reverent acceptance; when the Leader sees his Follower thus prepared, he soups up his broth, turns the bottom of the cup upward, and in ostentation of his dexterity, gives the cup a philip, to make it cry Twango. And thus the first Scene is acted.  
The cup being newly replenished to the breadth of an hair, he that is the pledger must now begin his part, and thus it goes round throughout the whole company, provided always by a canon set down by the Founder, there must be three at the least still uncovered, till the health hath had the full passage: which is no sooner ended, but another begins again, and he drinks an Health to his Lady of little worth, or peradventure to his lighe heelled mistress.  
By these drunken devices, God is dishonoured, and that love which in those drunken fits they pretend to any man to be detested and abhorred; yea, the prayers that a drunkard maketh unto God, are rather to be derided, then believed; but the woman they would seem to honour by drinking her Health, is thereby dishonoured, disgraced and discredited; for Drunkards are seldom seen to reverence any woman, either for her virtue, or for her honesty, but are more apt to slander those that never deserved it.  
Let us a little define Drunkenness. Drunkenness is a vice which stirreth up lust, grief, anger and madness, extinguisheth the memory, opinion and understanding, maketh a man the picture of a beast, and twice a child, because he can neither stand nor speak. Drunkenness is the mother of outrages, the matter of fables, the root of crimes, the fountain of vice, the intoxicator of the head, the quelling of the senses, the tempest of the tongue, the storm of the body, the shipwreck of chastity, loss of time, voluntary madness, the filthiness of manners, the disgrace of life the corruption of the Soul; if there were no more to be spoken against it, me thinks this should be enough to deter any Christian heart from this beastly sin.  
I would I had now a chair with a back and a soft cushion, that I might sit me down to laugh at the whoremaster: but especially at him that they call Senex Fornicator, an old Fishmonger, that many years since engrossed the French pox, the which although he sometimes used to vent in secret amongst his friends; yet he will not so disfurnish himself, but that he will reserve sufficient for his own store, and the rather to conceal his commodity in private, and would not have it to be openly known, he shelters them under strange devised titles; sometimes he calls them the Gout, sometimes the Sciatica, and thus disguising them under these false applied names, he shamefully slandreth and belieth the pox.  
There be some others yet of a better disposition, 
He shall not be accounted a Gentleman, if that he doth not carry this mark of the pox about him, and you shall commonly know him, for he goeth as though he trod on eggs, and he never rides on a trotting horse.  that do detest this fraudulent manner of dealing, that when they have made some pretty shift to get the pox, they do set them forth to open show, and finding them to be sociable, familiar and conversant amongst Knights and Gentlemen, will grace them with a wrought nightcap, yet not in any deceitful manner, whereby to cozen his majesties subjects, but will so lay them open to every man's view, that you shall see their true pictures in divers parts of the face, but especially at the nose: he doth not so hide them, but you shall discern them by his complexion, by his snuffling in his speech, his nose is commonly as flat as a bowling alley, by his very gate as he passeth and repasseth by you. If a Dog doth chance to hit him over the shinns with his tail, he cries Oh, and perhaps, raps out an oath or two.  
You shall never see him play any match at the football, or to win any wagers at running, or leaping; he may sometimes dance the measures, but these Carrantoes and Scottish gigs are out of his element: here is plain dealing, and it should seem these pox are honestly come by, when they are not hidden, but are thus laid open to every man's view.  
But soft and fair, let me now pause a little, for it stands me upon to take good heed how I raise the cry against the Blasphemer, he that will snarl and swagger, as though he meant to kill the old one; he that will rumble out oaths like thunder or canonshot, and will sometimes burst into such a vain of swearing, as if he meant to make the powers of Heaven to shake and to tremble. They have such excuses for their swearing; first, it graceth their speech, & is an ornament to their phrase. Secondly, it is a general custom, the most part use it, and few or none refrain it. Thirdly, they do it from no bad mind, no wicked intent. Lastly, if they do swear, they are but small oaths, and therefore to be borne withal; but look unto it wicked blasphemer, if God be not merciful, thou wilt find none so little but deep enough, none so light but heavy enough, none so small but great enough to send thee down into hell. here you may see what these damned for sworn Devils of hell pretend for their devilish act of swearing.  
But I care not if I tell you a history, which was many years ago written in a strange language, but now lately translated out of Essex into English, and thus it followeth.  

● strange story ●●d true.  There was sometimes a father that had three sons, who at the time of his death, bequested by his will his whole estate, aswell of lands, as likewise of goods and chattels, to that one of the three, that by reasonable demonstration could prove himself to be most degenerate and declining, aswell from humanity, as from honesty.  
After the death of this well disposed parent, his three sons appointed a day of meeting, to determine of their father's bequest, when coming together, the eldest brother in a short Exordium delivered his father's determination, how he had disposed his whole estate only to him that could prove himself the most dishonest, the which (said he) I hope I shall neither need to spend many words, nor to bring better testimony, than what yourselves do know, and of your own consciences will award in my behalf.  
To speak then to the purpose: 
The first sons speech.  I am well known to you both, to be a common whoremaster, that do wholly incline myself to follow harlots, that do spend, squander and consume my time (day by day, and night after night) my goods, my body, my life and my lands, in Brothell-houses, amongst Bawds and Harlots, that are the very sinks of sin; yea, all I have, or ever shall be wotth, so dearly do I love these prostituted beastly queans, that I cannot sleep quietly in my bed for thinking of them; 
Whores are the devils hackneys and let to none but his own servants.  that as Solomon hath said, do carry death and damnation about them: These be they that I have so dedicated myself unto, that neither the fear of God, the shame of the world, nor the admonition of friends is able to restrain me; whom neither the love of an honest wife, the natural care of dutiful children, nor the sting of a guilty conscience, can any whit at all mollify. Tell me now, where shall you find amongst men a villain more stained and polluted with loathed filthiness, or more to be detested then is the whoremonger? If any of you two can show yourselves to be more degenerating from honesty or humanity, I yield up my right, I make no further claim.  
The second brother being now to speak for himself, began in this manner:  
Brother, I acknowledge all that you have said to be true, 
The second brother's speech.  and I confess the whoremonger to be a most vicious villain amongst men: but you have yet shot short of the mark you aimed at; for you are not so much inclined to follow that filthy appetite of whoredom and adultery, but I am as much and more addicted to base and beastly drunkenness, base and beastly I may well term it, 
A Drunkard is beast and no man.  for there is nothing whereby to distinguish a man from a beast, but the use of reason: for as man hath his being▪ so hath a beast: man hath sense and feeling, beasts have both: man hath life, beasts have the like: but man hath the gift of reason, the only evidence he hath to show that he is a man and not a beast. Now a drunkard hath lost his evidence, for he hath neither the use of reason, of wit, nor of honesty; he is fit for no good company, nor godly exercise amongst men; and amongst beasts, he is more loathsome and filthy then is a hog, that amongst beasts that are filthy, is yet the most filthy. Yea, there is nothing so pleasing unto me as the pot & tobacco-pipe, which makes me have a great paunch, my face set with rich carbuncles, my nose pimpled like holly berries, there is no news so welcome, so pleasing, as Come shall we go drink, for a pot of old march-beer and a cup of sack, will make my nose the riper: and this is my delight from day to week, and from weeks to years, and herein I take my whole delight.  
This (I hope) may then suffice, that although the whoremaster be a creature that is most to be detested and abhorred amongst men, yet the common drunkard, being a beast, and no man, is most digressing, as well from the bounds of humanity, as from the rules of honesty: and therefore as our provident father hath by his will determined, the inheritance must be mine.  
The younger brother, that was now lastly to speak, began in this manner:  

The third brother's speech.  Brother whoremaster, & brother drunkard, I have heard the allegations that you have hitherto alleged for yourselves, and I have had much ado to forbear swearing: yet thus far I concur with you both, that the whoremonger amongst men is the most vicious, and therefore the most to be abhorred and detested: and the drunkard I do think indeed to be a filthy beast, not worthy to bear the name of a man: but if your own positions be good, the inheritance is mine. But brother whoremaster, you think to carry away the prize, because you are the most loathed creature amongst men: And brother drunkard, you think to defeat me, because you are the most filthy amongst beasts; but I tell you in few words, and a little thing would make me to swear, the right is mine, and I will have it, that am neither man nor beast, but a damned Fiend of hell, a Devil incarnate, 
A Blasphemer is a limb of the Devil.  accursed by Gods own mouth. 'Zounds, a common blasphemer is a creature more pernicious, than either man or beast.  
It is I that do set that tongue, which by the right of creation should be the trumpet to sound forth the glory of God, I do make it the instrument to profane and blaspheme his holy name; to swear by his wounds, and by his blood, by his heart, by his guts, by his side, by his body, by his soul.  
Can any Devil of hell show himself to be more adverse? Give over therefore your further claims, for the inheritance belongeth to me, it is I that am a bondslave to the Devil, a fire brand of hell, a wretch that is most accursed, it is I that am all this, and therefore it is I that must inherit.  
Thus far my History, and I think of my conscience this last of the three brethren had the best right to that his father had bequested, for amongst the sons of men, there is not a more accursed, then is the blasphemer.  
But now it is accounted a Gentlemanlike humour in him that can swear ex tempore, for matters of no moment, and they say it is a sign of courage: but to speak the truth, it is a sign that he is a reprobate wretch, forsaken of God, that doth use it: and as his life is detestable, so his death will be damnable.  
What swearing and forswearing again amongst Merchants, amongst Shopkeepers, and amongst all manner of Tradesmen, in buying, in selling, in bargaining, in promise-making, and yet what little regard in the keeping of an oath? We swear by the living Lord, by the power of God, the eternity of God, the majesty of God, the life, the death of God; then we divide our God, to rend him in sunder with whole volleys of oaths, as his heart, his blood, his flesh, his sides, his wounds, his hands, his nails, his feet, his toes, and all the parts of his precious body: a wicked impudent age, that any people under the face of heaven should dare to presume thus to swear and forswear ourselves, regarding not our oaths, having store of God's just judgements on such wicked blaspheming wretches daily set before our eyes for examples unto us, and we regard them not, neither amend our sinful lives.  
The Turks and Infidels are more respective to observe an oath that they do make in the name of their Mahomet, than we that be Christians, when we swear by the name of the living God.  
Our Gallants have devised strange oaths, most fearful to name, such as were never invented, but by some damned forsworn fiend of hell; and when they are at gaming, to hear them thunder forth these oaths, would make a Christians heart to tremble. Nay, he is thought to be but an unthrift, that will not forge, feign, flatter, swear and forswear for his own advantage.  
The breaking of an oath that is made between party and party, is accounted to be no perjury: nay, whole millions of oaths that are vowed in the performance of promises, that are never kept, is accounted no dishonesty.  
If men's words, and deeds, and thoughts, did concur in one, we should undo the Lawyers, neither should we need so many Scriveners to write obligations.  
I myself do know a great number of men in the world, that are called honest men, yet I know but a very few (if it were upon a payment of money) but I had rather take his bond, than his booke-oath.  
An ungracious age of ours this same, that if we forbear from doing evil, it is more for the fear of punishment, then for the love of virtue.  
men's honesties are now measured by the Subsidy-book; he that is rich is honest, and the more a man doth abound in wealth, so much the more he doth exceed, and that as well in honesty, as in wit.  
He that hath great friends, hath no faults; but he that is poor (if he be honest) I warrant him he will never be rich, for the time doth not serve for men to gather wealth by any honest precepts.  
We do look ascew at virtue, when vice shall be saluted with cap and courtesy; and Arts and Sciences must now dance attendance, and wait upon ignorance: and he that cannot sometimes grease a fool with praises, may (peradventure) die wise, but never wealthy.  
We purchase lands, and we build up houses with the ruins of the Church, with the sins of the people, with the sweat of other men's brows, with perjury, with bribery, with oppression, with extortion: it makes no matter how we get, nor how we live, when at the time of our death, we may have an Epitaph, or a Funeral Sermon, when amongst a thousand sins that we have committed, even shameful to be spoken, yet if we have done but one good deed be it never so little, yet it shall be devulgated and extolled in a greater measure, then that of Curtius, when he offered himself into the devouring gulf for the safety of his Country: yet whilst we live, we do make show to have great regard to our good names, that have no care at all to our consciences: We daily see the rich Landlord doth grind the faces of the poor Tenants by cruel oppression, extortion, and miserable servitude: for the poor Tenant must be at command, under his most tyrannous Landlord. This proud deformed wormsmeat, that whores, drinks, plays, swears, and swaggers, that consumes body and soul, lands and life, nay he will undo a whole hundred of honest poor men, to maintain his detested and loathed appetite. But look unto it, thou whose guilty conscience doth tell thee thy faults are apparent, and God doth hear the cry of the poor, who daily heapeth curses upon thy vicious soul, for thy cruelty too largely executed upon them.  
But they are worthy to have the Hubbub, and to be well laughed at, that cannot cut out their own consciences, either little or large, short or long, or of what size or fashion they list: they may learn of the Wolf, that being enjoined by his ghostly Father to fast, and for four & twenty hours to eat no more flesh then in his conscience did exceed the value of three halfpences; 
The wolves conscience and the Usurers are much alike.  the Wolf departing homeward, meeting with a sheep and a lamb, valued the sheep in his conscience to be worth a penny, and the lamb a halfpenny, & so with a safe conscience he devoured them both: And he that will live in this world, and cannot learn of the Wolf to square out a large conscience, will never grow fat.  
It is but our own denying or misdenying, that makes or mars the matter. A strong faith helps all: the lesson is not new, Crede quod habes & habes, the Priest taught it long ago to a young scholar that came to borrow his horse.  
But it is a pretty thing this conscience, I confess, and it is good for a man to carry about him, when he goes to church; but he that doth use it in Fairs or Markets, will die a beggar, says this wise world.  
I am moved with commiseration toward the poor Countryman, that dwells too near him that is rich, whom he shall find to be so sharpsighted, that he shall reap no commodity, but he will have both an eye and a longing to it: and then if he be denied, the poor man shall find himself ill neighboured. Would you have a precedent? I will not be curious: There was sometimes a poor Farmer, who dwelling near a Gentleman, 
But although the Countryman cannot spare his Ox, yet the justice often hath the horn.  a justice of peace, that would have bought a yoke of Oxen, which this Farmer could not spare, and therefore upon necessity was driven to make denial; whereupon Master justice conceived such displeasure, that after this repulse, the poor man found himself to be continually crossed and disturbed, and from time to time, so many ways wronged, that he came to this Gentleman to seek justice, 
Beware the justice, Countryman.  whom he found still to be rather supporting those that did oppress him, then seeming any ways to render him right: but perceiving at the length the truth from whence it grew, in a submissive manner he came to Master justice: Why (said the justice) do you think me to be your enemy? Alas (said the Farmer) I do feel the smart of it, and am come in this humble manner to beseech your good will: Why then (said the justice) you see I can bite though I do not bark. I do see and feel it (quoth the Farmer) but Sir, if I had a Dog of that condition, I protest I would hang him as soon as I came home.  
There be many such curs in the world now in these days, that can both bite and whine, many of them more regarded for the authority they bear, then for any goodness is in them: but I will now give the Hubbub to him that will buy an office: and yet I think the buying of an office, and the buying of a dignity are much alike, they are both attained unto by corruption. And virtue between them is betrayed, and bought and sold for money; but since offices hath been set to sale, to Quicunque vult, the Prince and Commonwealth hath been the worse served.  
The time hath been when he that would seek to buy an office, was thought unworthy to bear an office, but the buying and selling of offices, and the giving & taking of bribes, are two pernicious evils: and that Commonwealth may be thought most blessed, where offices are given to the virtuous, but not sold to the rich, that do seek by their money but to oppress virtue. There is not a more dangerous thing then to put an office into his hand that is both wise and wicked, or to arm him with power & authority that is of a covetous disposition; the eye of wisdom, that in former ages would look into these enormities, was very vigilant and careful to prevent them, and provided Laws, whereby to bridle (not only these) but divers other abuses, which from time to time were hatched up.  
Lycurgus' made a Law against drunkenness, Augustus Caesar against pompous buildings, the Lucans against prodigality, the Lacedæmonians against excess in apparel, the Egyptians against whoredom, the Thebans against negligent Parents, that brought up their children in idleness and insolency. And God be thanked for it, we want no good Laws in England, whereby to restrain all manner of abuses; but the examples of a godly life, 
The golden Law is the best.  in those that should minister the due execution of those Laws, would be more effectual than the Laws themselves; but some of them are rather inclined to their own private profit, than the public commodity, and can be contented to tolerate in others, those vices that themselves are addicted to.  

justice is made blind by bribery: and authority daily abused.  In the old time they used to picture justice blindfold, with a vail before her eyes, signifying, that justice should not see the parties between whom she was to distribute, but should perform her office with equity and right, without any respect of persons, but now they have put her eyes quite out, and have likewise made her deaf, she can neither hear nor see. I think they have pecked out her eyes with Capons, that were wont to be brought unto her by couples, and sometimes by half dozen: I cannot say how she should be come to be so deaf, unless by the neighing of Coach horses, or the rumbling of Coaches: And justice hath her ears many times poisoned with ungracious tales that be whispered unto her: or how it comes to pass I know not, but blind & deaf they have made her, she can neither hear nor see the pride, the adultery, the drunkenness, the bawdry, the bribery, the popery, the impiety, she cannot see a Recusant, a Priest, a Papist, a jesuit, our abominations run currant, without controlment, for alas justice is bereaved the use of her senses, she can neither hear nor see.  
She can a little smell, and she can sometimes vent a horse, a hawk, a hogshead of wine, sugar, spice, flesh, fish, fowl, or any thing that comes under the name or title of a present.  
She cannot endure the name of a bribe, he that offers her a bribe, she thinks him a fool, but for presents let them bring them till their backs do ache, she will make them more weary in giving, than she will be in taking.  
I would be glad to fortify my speeches with some example, although not of the time present, yet of the time past, and I remember a matter that I think will serve my turn, I cannot set you down the year of our Lord, the day of the month, the certain place or country, nor the names of the parties by whom it was acted, but true it is, and if reports may be believed, and for a truth it hath passed many years ago.  
There was sometimes (in what Country I know not) but a Magistrate there was, but amongst many controversies that were depending before him, there was one had been of that continuance, that the plaintiff 〈◊〉 his better speed, bestowed a hogshead of choice wine upon this Magistrate for a present, whereof the defendant having gotten intelligence, to outwaigh his adversaries hogshead of wine, he presented this Magistrate with a very fair horse, 
There be many men in authority of the Welsh man's mind, they had rather have one eleven shilling piece then all the Angels in heaven.  which was likewise accepted and received: the plaintiff understanding of this horse thus given, began to despair of his own success, thinking his hogshead of wine to be but lost, bethought himself yet to go drink some part of it, before it were all spent, and with this determination had himself to dinner to this Magistrate, where divers other guests being at the Table, and tasting of this wine, which they felt to be good, they began to praise and commend it one to the other, only this Gentleman that had given it drunk apace amongst the rest, without any word speaking either in praise or dispraise, which the Magistrate himself noting and marking, with a smiling countenance began to cheer up his guest, saying unto him, me thinks I hear every body praising my wine, but you yourself; you say nothing to it, I would hear you say it were good. The Gentleman that had the horse still sticking in his stomach, answered him in the best English he could speak, I sai●, ●●●d took to 〈◊〉 was 〈…〉 was makest 〈◊〉 a 〈…〉.  
They all began to laugh at this Gentlemans to add conceit, that did think a horse had been drowned in the wine, but the Magistrate that best understood his English would move no further speeches, but let the matter pass. How the Gentleman sped after in his suit, I cannot tell; for we see the world is come to that pass, that amongst those that do follow suits in Law, he is commonly thought to have most right, that is able to give most money.  
For some Lawyers cannot speak till their tongues be ripped with gold, they had rather have one eleven shilling piece then all the Angels in heaven. Then is not this a miserable age, when money makes new law, not honest Lawyers. We have so many Paludous in these days, that can alter the case, and for their own 〈◊〉, will rule: money to set men at strife and variance, and he's but a foolish Lawyer, that cannot empty his clients purse, before he end his suit.  
There is no Law, be it never so legitimate or truly begotten, which with wrested glozes and subtle expositions they cannot bastardise.  
They are pugnantia inter se, there is no agreement amongst them, but what one confirms to day, to morrow another will frustrate. And we have as many pettifoggers, tramplers of the Law, that do much wrong the Laws of the land, that want both law, wit and honesty, that live only by setting their neighbours together by the ears, and then they pray upon the poor ignorant people, they are as bad in a Commonwealth, as moths in a garment.  
There be some Lawyers more wise than honest, they come up to London with an empty capcase, and the Client with a full capcase, but before the last Return of the Term, the money is all in the Lawyer's capcase, and in requital he stuffs the clients capcase with rotten papers: 
HELL a Tavern near Westminster Hall.  and this fellow is so conversant with the Devil, that every day he goes to Hell to breakfast.  
There be many miracles assigned to Saints, that (they say) are good for all diseases, they can give sight to the blind, make the deaf to hear, they can restore limbs that be crippled, and make the lame to go upright, they be good for Horse, for Swine, and many other beasts. And women are not without their she Saints, to whom they do implore when they would have children, and for a quick deliverance when they be in labour.  
They have Saints to pray to, when they be grieved with a third day ague, when they be pained with the toothache, or when they would be revenged of their angry husbands.  
They have Saints, that be good amongst Poultry, for Chickens when they have the pip, for Geese when they do fit, to have a happy success in Goslings. And to be short, there is no disease, no sickness, no grief, either amongst men or beasts, that hath not his Physician among the Saints: And this is the cause (as may be supposed) why Physicians have not so large comings in as Lawyers: for there is no controversy or suit in Law, be it never so little, never so just, never so honest, that hath either Hee-Saint, or Shee-Saint to defend or befriend it: Some will say, that it is a sign of a licentious Commonwealth, where Lawyers and Physicians have too great employments; and I think indeed, they are most happy, that have least to do with any of them both.  
I will not meddle with our Ministry, that I think of my conscience, were never more reverently to be regarded then at this present, and that as well for their knowledge, as learning; yet notwithstanding the sincerity of Hely, his proud sons deserved the Hubbub: and there is nothing wherein some of our Divines may be so much detected, as in giving so much way to their children's pride.  
I had thought here to have ended my discourse, and to have wound up my merriment with this old perclose, And thus I bid you heartily farewell, the winding up of every ordinary letter, but as I was dipping my pen to have taken up ink, I heard a muttering of men's voices, as they were passing through the streets, and looking out at a window, I saw four young Roaring Boys, that (I think) were new come from some Ordinary, the one with a coloured feather in his hat; the other I marked well, had a long lousy lock hung dangling by his ear, like a Derry Irish Glybei: the third was in a yellow starched band, that made him to look as if he had been troubled with the yellow jaundice: the fourth had a short sword, like that which we were wont to call an Alehouse Dagger, and that was trussed close to his side with a scarf; they were all four in white boots, and gilt spurs, and they were consulting as they went along, how they might spend the afternoon: The one gave his verdict to go see a Play: a second advised rather to go to Tables or Cards, two against two for a quart or two of sack: the third thought it better, that they might go recreate themselves a little in a bawdy house: but the fourth swore a great oath, that if they would go with him, he would bring them to the best pipe of Tobacco, that ever came out of the West Indies.  
This was the man to whom they all assented, the very sound of A pipe of Tobacco, made them all to run, as Swine to the draff, when they hear the Maid begin to knock upon the end of the Hog's trough. They say the Welshmen came all running out of Heaven, when they heard one without the gate, crying, Gasse bobby, Gasse bobby; but I think our Englishmen would run as fast into Hell, if they did but hear a voice crying out, A pipe of Tobacco.  
But away these Gentlemen went together, and I began to wonder how a filthy stinking Antidote could so bewitch men to forget themselves.  
In former ages, Gentlemen and Knights at their merry meetings were wont to spend the time in honest recreation; sometimes in gaming, or other pleasant sporting; sometimes in manly exercises, and endeavours of activity; sometimes in brave discourse, in matters of wit and learning; but how there is no music pleasing, but the pot, and the Tobacco pipe.  
O base conditioned time, is wit so far spent amongst Knights and Gentlemen, that they can employ it to no better endeavours, but to imitate that abuse, which is so common with every Ostler, with every Tapster, with every Tinker, with every Costermonger, with every Horseboy: and to conclude, that is in such use and custom with every rogue and rascal.  
Me thinks the very community should make known the vanity: for virtue was never known yet to be embraced by the multitude.  
But they will say, there are both wise and learned, that do use to take Tobacco; hay more, there are none will take it faster than some Physicians, that be accounted most learned.  
And there be as wise and learned, that could never be brought to meddle with it, and there be many wise men, that of my knowledge (for the little good they have found in it) have given it over: And for those Physicians that will take Tobacco so fast, they have (as other men) many faults worse than that, unffit for wise men to imitate, I will therefore make them no precedent, and Physicians are commonly accounted to be so much the more learned, that can best flatter fools in their folly. But I have heard as wise, as learned, and as honest Physicians as any be in England, that have said Tobacco hath both killed and shortened many men lives.  
But let us go to experience, 〈…〉 of former ages, 
Tobacco hath shortened many a man's life, and brought many good man's heir to beggary.  as of this of ours at this present, that hath taught us, and still doth teach us, that those that never meddled with Tobacco, have lived, and do live in more sound and perfect health, than those that take it fastest, But they will say there be men of greater regard, than either Physicians, Gentlemen, or Knights that will take Tobacco, and therefore they are much to be blamed, that will either write or speak against it.  
The greater the person is, tanta maius crimen, his example is the more hurtful, and he is rather to be pitied for his infirmity, then imitated for his dignity.  
But if the example of greatness may be a confirmation of matters to make them true or false, than I dare confidently provounce Tobacco to be the most vain and idle toy, that ever was brought into use and custom amongst men, when we have a precedent, of him that is not only most great, 
Sir, you are deceived, for by Tobacco comes red noses, the only mark of good fellows.  but is likewise most wise, most learned, most worthy, most renowned; yea, and most worthy thus to be accounted, that hath evermore impugned, detested and abhorred Tobacco.  
Let them then give over to vaunt of their wise and learned men, and let them take the folly to themselves, that like Spiders, can draw poison to hurt themselves, that can bribe their own wits to flatter their own follies, that are carried away with the tempestuous whirlwinds of their own affections.  
Humours and affections have a great hand over us, and they do both place and displace Reason at their pleasure, and where Affection doth hold the Seat and Sceptre in the Castle of the Mind, they may ges●e at many things, as they are led by opinion, but of very few according to truth: for where the heart is possessed with any vehement affection, there Reason is exempt from his proper office, and their judgement may easily be mistaken, and there is no contending against them, amongst whom Opinion is of such force, as Reason is of no force.  
Our sooty-mouthed Tobacconists can candy poison, and they do so hug their own follies, that they are ready to turn all accidents into arguments, to fit their purpose.  
And this we do see by other experiments, that when men have once besotted themselves upon a folly, there is neither example of shame, nor persuasion of wit can make them to desist.  
Would you have an instance, for your better confirmation, it is not yet so long since this new-found-out foolery of yellow starched bands were taken up, but that it is within the compass of our own memories.  
And I could here discover the names of two several persons that were noted to be the first that were seen with those babbles about their necks in the Court of England, 
Pride hath overthrown Kingdoms, and brought whole nations to utter desolation.  the one of them being openly reprehended for his folly, was likewise admonished to beware of God's judgements, that doth never fail to attend on those new Inventors of vanities, that doth not only addict themselves unto monstrous pride, but by their abominable example doth induce others to do the like.  
And as it was presaged, so it came to pass; for this Gentleman, upon some occasion very shortly after being in France, was there brought to an untimely death, and that by an extraordinary accident.  
The other remains at this hour a spectacle of God's heavy displeasure.  

Mistress Turner's exclamations against yellow starched bands.  Yet the open exclamation that was made by Turner's wife at the hour of her death, in the place where she was executed, cannot be hidden, when before the whole multitude that were there present, she so bitterly protested against the vanity of those yellow-starchtbands, that her outcries (as it was thought) had taken such impression in the hearts of her hearers, that yellow starched bands would have been ashamed (for ever after to have showed themselves about the necks, either of men that were wise, or of women that were honest) but we see our expectation hath failed us, for they began even then to be more general than they were before. I do exceedingly admire these idle-headed young Gallants, or ruffianly Roaring-boys, how they can walk the streets with one of these base, odious, ugly, beastly bands, this new devilish invented fashion, looking as though they had scaped from the Devil in hell, and there had scorched his band, where every one wonders to see this ape of fashion, and points at him for a fool in this lewd example. Well honest Countrywomen, I bring you good news: I wish you now to look unto yourselves; if ever you intent to be rich, now is the time: You know Tobacco is in great trading; but you shall be Merchants, and only for eggs: 
Merchants for eggs.  for whereas one pipe of Tobacco will suffice three or four men at once, now ten or twenty eggs will hardly suffice to starch one of these yellow bands: A fashion that I think shortly will be as conversant amongst Tailors, Tapsters, 
Those that do follow such idle ridiculous fashions, make their tenants Freeholders within one twelvemonth after their lands comes into their hands.  and Tinkers, as now they have brought Tobacco. But a great Magistrate, to disgrace it, enjoined the Haugman of London to become one of that Fraternity, and to follow the fashion; and the better to enable him, he bestowed of him some benevolence to pay for his laundry: And who was now so brisk with a yellow feather in his hat, and a yellow starched band about his neck, walking in the streets of London, as was master Hangman? so that my young Masters, that have but sithence fallen into that Trim, they do but imitate the Hangman's precedent, the which how ridiculous a matter it is, I will leave to themselves to think on. All that I have endeavoured, is but to make good what I have formerly avowed, That a Fool will not bee-brought to leave his Babble, neither for the shame of the world, nor for the love of virtue; and of my conscience, if there were yet some other Lobcoculus, that to show his dexterity of wit, would leave his yellow, and betake himself into green, red, tawny, or to any other coloured manner of starching, he should have followers, that would bring it into a fashion: this is a true proverb, A yellow band and a green wit. So that as of these yellow starched bands, I think the like of Tobacco, it was first brought into England by some man of little virtue, and afterwards brought into custom by those of less wit.  
But they say Tobacco is physical, it is medicinable, it is precious for all manner of diseases, and they do attribute more virtue to their Tobacco, than Bellarmine doth to his Pope. They say it will make a fat man lean, a lean man fat: he that hath filled his paunch till it be ready to burst, they say a pipe of Tobacco will make him to digest; he that wants meat to fill his hungry belly, a pipe of Tobacco is as good a bait, as half a dozen of Horse bread for a Carrier's horse▪ it is like the shoemakers leather, that if your boots be too straight, he tells you it will reach; if too wide, he tells you, it will shrink. So Tobacco, it is good for increase, it is good for decrease, it is good to take before meat, it is good to take after meat, it is good to take between meals, it is good in the morning, it is good in the evening, it is good at midday, 
The world never found out so rare a weed, as these fools would have of Tobacco.  it is good at midnight, it is good at all times, at all seasons, in the summer, in the winter, in the heat, in the cold, in the spring, in the fallt it is good for all complexions, for all constitutions, for old men, for young men, for all diseases, proceeding either from hot causes, from cold causes, from dry causes, from moist causes: A man may take it as often as he list, as much as he list, as little as he list, at the change of the Moon, at the full of the Moon, at the wain of the Moon; under every Sign, under every Planet, under every Aspect, under every Climate. Now if the sovereignty of Tobacco be such, as these men would persuade, either Physicians be Dolts, that do prescribe us so many observations, or these be notable Fools that do thus take it. But the conceit that is holden of Tobacco, how precious it is against the French pox, may make some that do feel themselves to be distempered, to be the more inclining to it.  
Some other again that be old Fishmongers, and love to follow the game, do use to fish those pools where they know the pox are easily caught, do therefore take Tobacco, to prevent perils. But how unwise art thou, that dost know thyself to be free from that loathed sickness, and wilt yet be sucking at the Tobacco-pipe, that every pocky companion hath beslavered before thee, whom wisemen have ever shunned to drink withal in one cup? But let them be as free from that disease as they list, he that is still sucking at the Tobacco-pipe, must yet take the imputation upon him, that doth seem with such diligence to seek out the remedy that is used for the cure.  
But I am not so mad to think that every man that doth take Tobacco, doth therefore take it because he feels himself to be diseased; for than if his Majesty had an employment but of a small company of men that were healthful and sound, they would hardly be found out either in England or in Ireland. But this I think, that the greatest number doth take Tobacco more for matter of custom, then for matter of malady. Yet one thing I have noted, (mark it he that list) the Tobacconist that is observative, that prescribeth himself set times and hours to take his Tobacco, at those times and hours by himself prefixed, will sooner omit his prayers to God, than not perform his own prescribed ceremony in taking Tobacco: He that should bring one of these to the Horse-market in Smithfield, and there offer him to sell, he could not warrant him to be sound of wind and limb, but he must pass among the lads, that men do use to put away for some hidden infirmity.  
Shall I crave your patience now, and but to speak truly, there is not any man that maketh a custom in taking Tobacco, but he hath some defect either in body or in mind; for he that doth not take it for the cure of some infirmity that he feeleth in his body, he hath both a defective and foolish mind, that is so ready every day to choke himself with an Indian smoke, so chargeable to his purse, and that without either constraint, cause, or necessity.  
here I would now crave the censure of Divinity, whether this idle vanity, taken with such excess (whereby the blessings of God are daily abused) be not as hateful a sin, and as much offending God, as either drunkenness or gluttony? I dare boldly pronounce, this excessive taking of Tobacco, not only to be foolish, but also to be ungodly, and therefore to be despised, detested, and abhorred by men, that be either good or godly: and he that doth use it, unless upon necessity, as he shall be constrained for the curing of some grief or malady, is to be laughed at, and deserveth the Hubbub.  
Tobacco is like a Pope's Bull, that Papists do think to be a good discharge of all the sins they can commit, from the meanest to the mainest, from the eating of an egg, to the murdering of a King. The Tobacconist hath the like conceit of his Trinidado, that he thinketh to be a good Supersedeas for all diseases, from the aching of a tooth, to the French pox. The text that I have taken in hand is but of smoke, and why should I use any forcible battery against so vain a vapour? but especially to those that have dedicated themselves to this idle vanity, that there is no sequestration, that either wit or reason can afford, is able to separate.  

Tobacco is the Heathens enriching, and England's wilful undoing, and by the smoke thereof hath dried up the hand of justice she will not do her duty.  I have formerly said, that the first transportation of Tobacco into England, was not performed by any man, that was either of worth, or of any great account: So again, it never grew into credit with any wise or temperate spirits, but (as it were) by an inconsiderate and foolish affectation of novelties, drawn from a people that are Infidels and Aliens to God, truly reputed to be the very refuse of the world. Shall I now speak of the inconveniences that are drawn in by this immoderate taking of Tobacco?  
What reverent terms might I then use, whereby to express the uncivil behaviours of old Tobacconists? whilst they are sucking at their Tobacco-pipe, their slavering without regard of modesty, their spitting, their spawling, the uncleanliness of the sight, the loathsomeness of the stink.  
First, it is drawn in at the mouth, than it is snuffled out at the nose, whereby the air is infected with such a loathsome fume, that those that be standers by cannot draw their breath, but they must suck down some of that filthy vapour, that hath been blown out, if not through a pocky nostril, yet (for the most part) through a snotty nose.  
And were it not as good manners for such an uncivil chimny-nosed Tobacconist, to spit in a man's face, as to puff out his filthy vapour where it flies into a man's mouth? I might yet speak of the idleness, the drunkenness, the swearing, the swaggering, the blasphemings, & of many other like enormities, that are all drawn in by this insatiable taking of Tobacco.  
Amongst the rest, I cannot forget to commiserate poor distressed Ladies and Gentlewomen, that among the creatures of Gods making, are of the most delicate & pure constitution, that must subject themselves to the base & barbarous customs of these rude and uncivil Tobacconists, that doth so pollute and perfume themselves with this loathsome and filthy stuff, that a woman were as good to thrust her nose into a close stool, as to smell the unsavoury sent of her husband's stinking breath. If Nature had made me a woman, as she hath done a man, I cannot tell how I might have proved in honesty, but I would have been one of the coyest female creatures, that ever knit a pair of brows in anger, but especially to these Tobacco-Knights, I would have banished them my company, they might sometimes (peradventure) have talked with me before folks, but I would have blest myself from their further acquaintance.  
I have talked so long of this filthy Antidote, that it hath made me almost forget my good manners. The time hath been, when if we did speak of such loathsome stuff, we used to put a sir reverence before, but we forget our good orders: and the best is, I speak but to such as are unmannerly in the taking of it, as I am in the speaking of it. Let us therefore set the Hare's head against the Goose giblets, if they will tax me for my unreverent words, I will tax them for their uncivil deeds.  
I remember a pretty jest of Tobacco. That was this. A certain Welshman coming newly to London, and beholding one to take tobacco, never seeing the like before, and not knowing the manner of it, but perceiving him vent smoke so fast, and supposing his inward parts to be on fire: cried out, O Ihesu, Ihesu man, for the passion of Cod hold, for by Cod's spludty snouts on fire, and having a bowl of beer in his hand, threw it at the others face to quench his smoking nose. If they grow angry, and will say I am a fool, I will laugh the faster, and will say, there are not only but also: It is a good Decorum for a man, to suit his words according to his subject. I have hitherto spent my breath but to smoke 〈◊〉 Tobacconists, I will now convert my speeches 〈…〉 be of wisdom and judgement, to those that 〈…〉 away with their own affections, but tha● 〈…〉 distinguish between good and evil, truth and 〈…〉 and vice: to them I say; There is no man that doth use to take Tobacco, but he must take upon him the imputation of some disease, or else he must acknowledge himself to be a fool: for (besides the chargeable expenses, which draws deep in his purse that plies it a pace) who would endure the unsavoury taste, the loathsome smell, the unseemly sight, whilst they are in taking of it, but for the cure of some infirmity? And by the rules of Physic, there is no cure to be used, but where there is cause: Now what hidden virtue a smoky vapour may have for the curing of all diseases is much to be doubted, or why should we not rather suspect it to be more hurtful than helpful. There needs no other probation but this: It is smoke, and I never heard that smoke was good for any thing, unless to dry red herring. It is nought in the Kitchen, it is worse in the Chamber, but for this smoke of Tobacco, the hatefulness of the smell doth argue the Antipathy it hath against Nature: Now if the disease be but a Cough, a Cold, a Rheum, a Distillation, or some such other like slight infimity (as the Tobacconist will acknowledge none that be more loathsome) the medicine then (in every wise consideration) is much more noisome than is the malady. I will not say but that Tobacco may be medicinable for some diseases, and men that have infirmities (if they find ease in it) may take and use it as an Apothecaries drug: but if all be diseased that do use to take Tobacco, God help England, it is wonderfully infected, and his Majesty hath but a few subjects that be healthful in his whole dominions.  
But this excessive and immoderate taking of it without necessity, is not only a sin before God, but a great shame in the sight of all good men, and there is no sin that deserveth more bitterly to be reprehended, nor no shame that is more to be mocked and scorned. And now to speak truly what it is that maketh me so bitterly to inveigh against Tobacco. If it would please the Reader advisedly to consider what a mass of money is yearly blown away in the Tobacco pipe, 
It hath been accounted the sum that may buy spent in England in one year in Tobacco is sue hundredth and nineteen thousand three hundred seventy five pounds, all spent in smoke, besides private spend, besides gentlemen's 〈…〉, and Taverns, Inns, and Alehouses He that giveth to the poor, dareth to the Lord.  what huge sums of treasure are consumed in smoke within his majesties dominions, it would be found a matter sufficient to give a yearly relief to 2000 thousand poor people that do now swarm in Cities, Towns, and Countries, crying out but for a piece of bread to those that will spend pounds in their stinking Tobacco, that will not give two pence to those poor creatures that God himself hath recommended unto us to be comforted, cherished, and ●elecued.  
But we have locked up our doors, and barred out mercy, and we have set open the broad gate to let in ambitious pomp, excessive pride, and needless riot: how sparing we be in that which God hath commanded, to give unto the poor? how prodigal again in the service of the Devil, to spend upon Tobacco? He that giveth to the poor, putteth out for a large interest: God himself stands bound as well for the use as for the principal. And he that thus dareth, is sure to be repaid, not with ten in the hundred, but with a hundred for ten. How happy is he then that is openhanded to give to the poor? It is a small substance, that cannot afford some pittance, if it be but a mite, and he that can find out a penny for a pipe of Tobacco, might find out some modicum to give unto the poor: and thrice accursed is that outward bravery, that is not accompanied with some inward pity: and he which spendeth all in Tobacco shall keep nothing but rottenness and smoke for his money.  
I would be loath now to show myself ingrateful, to forget the place wherein I have had so long residence, I mean the Realm of Ireland, from whence I learned first to give the Hubbub, & where I hope I shall find some assistance that will help to raise the cry, some upon cause of merriment, some upon cause of grief, some that will laugh full merrily, some that will weep as bitterly, some perhaps that may weep Irish, but some again that will weep good English.  
Amongst many occasions whereby the Hubbub is raised in Ireland, there is not any one more inducing at this present then that of Pride, 
Of Pride.  that within this sixteen or twenty years is crept into Ireland, and grown into that excess, that the Hubbub thereby is arreared, and that as well in mourning as in mirth. There is not a people under the face of Heaven, that be of a more haughty & proud spirit than are the Irish: 
The Irish are naturally proud.  proud minds they have ever had, but for any pride in their apparel, they never knew what it meant, till they learned it from the English. It was a great dainties within these very few years, even amongst their greatest Nobility, to see a cloak lined thorough with Velvet, they were not acquainted with any great store of Satin suits, they did not glister in gold and silver lace, they were not acquainted with a pair of silk stockings, they had no Velvet Saddles, nor the greatest number of them so much as a pair of boots to draw on when they were to ride. For their Ladies and Gentlewomen (even those that were of the most great and honourable houses) they little knew what belonged to this frizling, and this curling of hair: 
These be every Chambermaid's attire, and odicus in the sight of all modest & honest women.  and for this lousy commodity of periwigs, they were not known to the Ladies of Ireland, they were not acquainted with these curling sticks, setting sticks, smoothing irons, they knew not what to make of a Picadilly, they neither used pouldring nor painting stuff, they knew not what a Coach meant, nor scarce a side saddle, till they learned them from the English: The only pride of the Irish was in hospitality and good-house-keeping, in spending amongst their fellows, and giving entertainment. He that was a Countryman (even of the meanest sort) would have been ashamed to sell either corn, cattle, or any manner of victual, 
When Pride came up stairs, Hospitality ran out at window.  but to spend it in his house. Of all imputations, they could not endure to be reputed for churls, they thought it a greater defamation to be called a Churl, then to be called a Traitor.  
But it is our English bravery, that hath eaten up our Ireland's hospitality; for Pride and Hospitality could never yet dwell together under one roof. It is Pride that hath expelled Charity, it hath converted our frugality into misery, our plenty into penury: they have learned of the English, to break up housekeeping, to rack their rents, to oppress their Tenants, and all to maintain pride.  
If I should speak of the enormity in a particular manner, that within this sixteen or twenty years hath been hatched up in Ireland together with this pride, my wits would not serve me to set them down as they deserve; I will therefore imitate the Painter, that was to figure forth the picture of the sorrowful Agamemnon, who wanting skill to express the dolorous aspect of his heavy countenance, drew a vail over his face, leaving it to the discretion of the beholder, to conceive by imagination of that grief, which himself was not able with his pencil to manifest.  
We have for these many years, by a most gracious government, enjoyed the fruits of a most happy & quiet peace: but according to an old observation, Peace brings plenty, Plenty brings pride, and Pride in the end is it that brings in penury.  
I will now a little accompany the Irish to give the Hubbub with them that do merrily laugh, to see some women that are but lately dropped out of an Alehouse; some that are but new crept out of a Laundry; and some that were scarce able to pay for the hire of a Carrier's horse, to bring them from London to Chester, that are now pranked up in that pomp, in that pride, in that bravery, and do take that state upon them, that we are not able to know those Ladies & Gentlewomen, neither English nor Irish that are of honourable estate, both by birth and calling, from these proud and new upstart changelings, that never knew what Gentry meant, neither themselves, nor their mothers before them: we cannot know the worthy from the unworthy, the woman of undetected life, from her that hath been tainted: the best mark is, she that by birth was most base, will show herself to be most proud; and she that hath greatest cause to blush, will show herself be most bold and presumptuous; he that hath but one eye may see this, it is visible to every understanding.  
They be these that have filled Ireland so full of new fashions, by their strange alterations in their Ruffs, in their Cuffs, in their huffs, in their puffs, in their muffs, and in many other vanities, that Ireland was never acquainted withal, till these women brought them up.  
He that should have come to a Lady in Ireland, but some five or six years sithence, and have asked her if she would have had a Shaparowne, she would have thought he had spoken bawdy, and would have wondered what he had meant.  
They are now conversant to every Chambermaid, and she that came but lately out of a kitchen, if her Husband doth bear an office (how mean soever) if she be not suited in her Shaparowne, in her loose hanging gown, in her petticoats of satin, yea and of velvet, that must be guarded with silver or gold lace, from the knee down to the foot, her Husband may happen to hear of it, and (peradventure) to far the worse till she be provided: for at every meal she will give him so many pout-pasties, and carp pies, that she will make him weary of his life.  
The Peacock when he marcheth in his majesty, setting up his glorious tail to behold his own beauty, yet in his greatest pride and presumption, when he beholdeth his black feet, he plucketh down his plumes with shame and disgrace: but our Ladies and Gentlewomen have well enough provided that their black feet shall never offend them, and therefore they do wear shoes of all manner of colours: yet when they be in their greatest prime of pride, if they would but look back into their own pedigree, they would come tumbling down with Icarus, from the height of their presumption.  
But his Majesty full little knows what harm he doth to poor women, when he makes them Ladies: Alas for pity, a woman is no sooner Ladified, but she hath lost the use of her legs for ever after; she is presently become so lame and decrepit, that she cannot go to Church if she have not a Coach: And then the good Knight her 
* Sir Timothy Twirlepipe.  Husband (upon mere love and pity) either begs from the King, or proules from the Country, to help to maintain his poor lame legged Lady. But I am glad yet that I have some good news to impart amongst our Ladies and Gentlewomen of Ireland, and they shall have them, as I heard them, be they true or false, and thus they follow.  
There was now lately, and now but very lately, amongst some other warlike provisions that were sent out of England into Ireland for his majesties store, there passed alongst the streets of dublin towards the Castle, three carts together laden only with shovels and spades, which a young Gentleman espying, called to another that was likewise standing fast by, & demanded of him, to what use so many shovels & spades might be employed, which he thought were enough, if they meant to dig an high way down to Hell: Nay (said the other) there is another manner of employment for them than you speak of; for it is intended there shall be a fair Coachway made to Heaven, that is now so overgrown & choked up, that there hath not a Coach passed that way, since Eliah road thither in his fiery Chariot, but now there is some hope the way will be mended. I thought the jest somewhat profane, yet the news would be a great ease for Ladies and Gentlewomen, that are grown so lame, that they cannot travel on foot, that so they might go to Heaven as easily as they do use to ride to Church.  
I might speak of some other vices, the rather exceeding amongst the Irish, by the ill example of the English: And although the Irish have vices enough of their own, they need no encouragement to sin, yet Ireland for these many years hath been the receptacle for our English ronnagates, that for their misled lives in England, do come running over into Ireland, some for murder, some for theft, some that have spent themselves in riot & excess, are driven over for debt, some come running over with other men's goods, some with other men's wines, but a great number now lately, that are more hurtful than all the rest, and those be Recusants.  
And for people that be of these dispositions, Ireland hath little need to be supplied from any place, that is so well replenished with it own store, that it is better able to lend to others, then needful to borrow of any. But amongst these graceless men, there have been as ungracious and wicked women, that when by their misled lives, they have infamed and made themselves so notorious, that they were become odious to all honest company in England, have then transported themselves into Ireland, where they have so insinuated themselves amongst our Ladies and Gentlewomen, and not so much with the Irish, but most especially with the English, and that amongst our gayest Ladies, by whom they were so entertained, graced, and countenanced, that those women that had lived before in good name and fame, and finding themselves to be but slightly regarded, thought it more wisdom to forget their former modesty, and for companies sake to follow the fashion.  
If I should now speak of the perjury of Ireland, they would go near to give me the Hubbub, and to laugh heartily at me, that would seem to find a fault at that, which they do account to be neither sin nor shame. And to speak truly, what account should they make of an oath, that have so many Massing Priests at hand, that will dispense with more oaths in one hour, than a man is able to swear in a whole afternoon.  
Perjury, old Ale, and Aquavitae, are three commodities that be of great antiquity in Ireland, but especially amongst the multitude of those that they call Catholics: for Perjury and Popery are so linked and consorted together, that they are as kind, and as near allied as Drunkenness and Lechery, the one cannot stand without the assistance of the other, they be Coadjutors, not to be separated. A damnable Religion this Popery, that still cries out, Swear, forswear, hold no faith, 
What filthy forsworn Rascal will not be a Papist, that what ever sin he doth may be forgiven?  keep no promise, play the Traitor, eat up thy God, murder thy King, kill, stab, poison, massacre, burn, torture, torment, saw in sunder, blow up with Gunpowder: what act so villainous, so devilish, or so damnable, that a Papist will not enterprise in the service of his Pope? But our poor Papists of Ireland, have learned the Collier's Faith, that being examined of his belief, answered still, That he believed as the Church believed, that could not say truly that the Church was, nor knew not any one Article that is believed. So they say they believe at their Fathers believed before them; now what belief that is I will speak truly: They believe the whole story of the Bible, they believe that Christ was the Son of God, that he was borne of the Virgin Mary, they believe all the miracles whilst he was upon earth, they believe that he was crucified upon the Cross, & they believe the whole story both of the old and new Testaments; but they do not believe that all Christ did and suffered, was enough for their salvation, but that they must merit that by their own good works, by going on pilgrimage, by praying to Saints, and when they are dead by suffering in Purgatory. They do not believe that Christ who came of purpose to save the world, did perfect the work he came for, but that he left it to a Massing Priest, to finish that which he himself had but begun.  
So the Papists have a story Faith, but they have no saving Faith, nor no belief to do them good: that which the Apostle hath protested to be the doctrine of Devils, 1 Tim. 4. that they embrace for the doctrine of Faith; we maintain nothing, but what the Scriptures plainly approve, the Pope's thread bare assertion is enough for a Papist.  
If we allege Scriptures, they quarrel aswell with the Translation, as with the Interpretation: if we allege Counsels, they ask if the Pope have allowed them: if we allege Fathers, if they speak against the Pope, they reject them: but allege the Pope's determinations (though never so much repugnant to the truth) there they stick like resty jades, they will not be drawn out of that dirty puddle: the sum of their Religion consisteth in the trash of unwritten verities, and the whole dependency of their Faith, in this only principle, That the Pope cannot err.  
Under the pretence of Peter's keys, the Pope brings in picklocks, and leaving to enter by Christ that is the door, he gives his Popelings scaling ladders, Bulls of Scala Coeli, to scale the walls of Heaven, and like a company of thieves, to break in at by-corners, and not to enter by the door. Our Popelings of Ireland will needs protest themselves to be the King's loving Scyp-iacks (Subjects I should say) but to speak the truth, they are more liker Scyp-iacks than Subjects, that do entertain and receive into their houses, Priests, Friars, Jesuits, and such other of the Pope's vermin, that are well known to be the Kings vowed and protested enemies: do they not manifest themselves to be reconciled to the Pope, that will obstinately impugn his majesties Laws? that will not submit with Christ to give Caesar his due? they may sometimes in public show pray for the King, but they are privily plotting and working for their Pope.  
Well Virtue, I would thou couldst now and then be a little choleric, and not to suffer thy clemency to be wronged more then enough, and for these dissembling hypocrites that do presume too far, if thou canst not win their hearts, it were good thou wouldst rule their tongues.  
Although I have thus spoken of Ireland in general, yet Ireland is as all other Countries be, good people amongst the bad, and his Majesty hath as loving and as good Subjects of the Irish, as any he hath in England, or elsewhere: Now among these that be good, if there be a number that be hollow hearted, it is no marvel: for never shall Christian Princes have loyal Subjects, where Massing Priests are suffered to lurk in their Dominions: And in Ireland our Women Catholics (for want of Apricocks) do preserve Priests, Friars, and Jesuits, and keep them in their Closets.  
The wives they for the Pope's Cockerels are well enough known to be of an excellent strain for breed, where they be well cherished, and much made of. A massing Priest is such a medicine in a man's house that hath a childbearing woman to his wife, that where they be retained to lie lydgers, it is ten pound to ten pence odds, that the good Wife, or Lady, or Gentlewoman (or whatsoe'er she be) will prove fertile, her Husband shall want no heirs. I will conclude with this caveat to my good friends: He that will eat eggs on Friday, he that will go to Church on Sunday, he that will say his Paternoster in English, he that will sing David's Psalms at a Sermon, he that will swear to the King's Supremacy, let him dwell where he will in any part of Ireland, he shall be sure to be ill neighboured.  
I have hitherto sported at the abuses of the time, and made myself merry with the follies of this Age. I might yet speak of many other vanities that deserve the Hubbub, and to be well laughed at; but I will here stop and lay a straw, for I know all that I can either do or say is to no purpose: I do but make the world mine enemy; for he that speaketh against sin in this age, either they mock at him, or they think him mad: Every Drunkard, every Whoremaster, every Blasphemer, every Tobacconist, every Idolater, they are angry with him that doth reprove them. O damnable world! we dare not reprehend sin, for offending of those that are but the very slaves of sin. We do live as if there were no God, or at least, as if we had no souls to save, and we are so lulled asleep in the cradle of security, that neither admonition or threatening will serve to awaken us. We be like sick persons that are brought so weak and feeble, that we can neither savour nor digest any thing that is good.  
Vice which now aboundeth in the greatest measure, we acknowledge in the least; but the less it is thrust out, the more it eateth and festereth within. A gentle potion worketh but a weak effect in a strong body; and it is with sin as it is with sores, some cannot be cured without corrosives. He is but an untidy Chirurgeon therefore, that will apply a gentle salve to a cankered sore. We are grown to the very height of all kind of impiety, and sin is become to be so supreme, that it thinketh scorn to be reprehended.  
But take this from me, thou that art so far spent, that thou livest in voluptuous idleness, and hast no care of thy salvation, thou that criest peace, peace, and hast God to be thine enemy, that is the Author of peace, who hath proclaimed open war against thy pride, against thy perjury, against thy excess, against thy vanity, against thy bribery, against thy covetousness; thou that art entered into a league with these and many other vices, and hast broken the truce that was between God and thee; thou that hast no feeling of thy sin, but that thou wilt still persever in thine abominations, think thyself to be deprived of grace, and take it for a sign that thy sins are ripe, and thy confusion is not far off, but that God's vengeance doth wait and attend thee with such plagues and punishments, as shall make thy hardened heart to tremble. He that hath not the feeling of his sins, must feel himself to be a reprobate secluded from Grace and Mercy; for amongst the manifold mercies of God, there is not a more singular mercy, then when he makes us to feel our own faults, whereby we are drawn to repentance, and by repentance brought to mercy. He that hath not this feeling, shall feel the judgements of God: for he that feeleth not his mercy, shall be sure to feel his justice.  
And dost not thou tremble to think of his vengeance? He that can wrap up the heavens like a parchment scowl: he that can make the clouds rain down plagues: he that can make us to refrain our meat, our drink, our sleep: he that hath the Heavens, the Earth, the Elements, and all to fight under his Banner, is he not to be feared? hath he not plagues in store (thinkest thou) and not only to afflict thee in this world, but in the world to come, to add the increase of an endless and everlasting woe?  
I think of my conscience, our Gallants of this age are grown into that humour, they think it time enough to hearken unto God when their climacterical year is past; but if neither the admonitions that are daily given us by godly Preachers, the threatenings denounced against sin by the holy Scriptures, the love of God, the fear the Devil, the joys of Heaven, the pains of Hell; if none of these can move us to repentance, give the Devil his due, for he hath done his devour, he hath brought the world to a good pass, he may now sit down and rest him, and he may cry with the Angler: Hold hook and line, and all is mine.   

APHORISMS, With other witty sentences; the 24 of June. 1618.  
A tradesman lives all upon What lack you? for without Lack, he is a Beggar.  
A Grocer is much subject to anger, for he oftentimes takes pepper in the nose.  
A Lace-woman stands much upon her inches, for she measures her ware by the yard.  
A Butcher is the Farmer of death, for cutting of throats is his harvest.  
A Cutler is a trade of terror, for he makes instruments of death.  
A Miller must be cunning in his cogs, for his stones will not work without them.  
A Mercer is the maintainer of pride, for a silken coat makes a fool forget himself.  
A Taylor is the gain of measure, for he can purchase lands with his shreds.  
A Dier is the figure of a Chameleon, for he varieth so often in his Colours.  
A Smith is the agent of fire, for his water will not temper his metal.  
A Costermonger is a Merchant of wind, for his ware is a great breeder of the colic.  
A fiddler is the honour of a cat, for he makes music with her guts.  
A Fife is a wry-necked Musician, for he always looks away from his Instrument.  
A Drummer is the pride of noise, for he puts down all but thunder.  
A Waterman goes backward with the world, and yet his living lies right before him.  
A Fletcher is a fool without a goose, for he cannot work without her feathers.  
A Bowmaker is the care of the horn, for if he do not neck well, his string will not lie level.  
A Tinker is a stopper of holes, but if his tools be nought, he cannot work kindly.  
A Cobbler deals always with All, for without All, he is nothing.  
A Drunkard is a kind of Noun adjective, for he cannot stand alone without help.  
A Brewer is the Chemist of malt, for he draws his spirit to a great height.  
A Footman is the figure of Mercury, for he goes as if he had wings on his heels.  
A Coward is the shame of nature, for he will be afraid of a woman in the dark.  
A Sailor is a sea-rider, but if his horse stumble on a rock, he may hap never to run on land.  
An Usurer is the Serpent with long teeth, for he will eat into a whole Lordship.  
A Purse-maker hath the advantage of the Law, for he may cut a purse without controlment.  
A Broker is a money-hackney, for he will troth all day long for his hire.  
A lester is the venom of wit, for he studies the knave, but to cozen the fool.  
There is no creature so like a man, as an Ape, except a woman; for she will be his counterfeit to a hair.  
A Wife is the danger of if, for if she be not good, woe be to her husband.  
A Maid is the blush of nature, because she wants the delight of reason.  
A Widow is the consumption of love, for nothing will help her but a new husband.  
A wanton wench is of the nature of a Trout, for it loves always to be tickled.  
She that hath the green sickness, if she will be well Recovered, she must be well Covered, for Cold is a nourisher of the disease.  
A feminine factor is a kind of Flemish Merchant, for his ware lieth most in the Low Countries.  
A Bowler is a kind of madman, for he speaks to a dead thing, that hears him not.  
A Lover is the maze of wit, for when he is in, he cannot get out.  
A Parasite is the pickpurse of folly, for a wise man will shake him of like a louse.  
A Fool is the grief of Time, for he knoweth not how to set him to work.  
A Baker is a kind of dry Cook, for he roasts his meat without dripping.  
A Laundress is the hope of sluttishness, and yet Cleanliness brings in her commodity.  
A Warrener is the watch of a Conie, for if he sleep the Tumbler will be at his Burrow.  
A Woodmonger is the Farmer of Cold, for a warm Winter brings him a bare harvest.  
A Wittol is the shame of wit, for his patience is beyond his honesty.  
A Carter is a Musician of the Air, for he makes tunes with his whistle.  
A Prentice is the hope of Trade, for if his Master die, his Mistress may make him free of the Occupation.  
A widows journeyman is foreman of her shop, for commonly he hath most charge of her ware.  
A Rich man commonly, is either proud or covetous, but if he be bountiful to Virtue, he is the wonder of the world.  
An honest man is the scorn of folly, but when thieves are hanged, true men may go in peace.  
A fair woman is a sweet object to the eye, but if she lay hold on the heart, woe be to the whole body.  
A foul woman is the subject of patience, for Reason must subscribe to affection, to make a pleasure of necessity.  
A poor man is the subject of Pity, but Charity is so cold, that Beggars are seldom harboured but in the stocks.  
Hypocrisy is a cloak of Villainy, and he that wears it, is of the devils livery.  
Better a little in the morning, than nothing all day after, and yet better be fasting, then have an unwholesome breakfast.  
It is written that there were nine Worthies in the World, and if the tenth be a woman, 'tis pity she should be concealed.  
Fat plough lands, and lean pastures make the great loaf, and the little butter dish.  
A faint friend is like a fearful enemy, for th'one will do no good, and the other dare no do hurt.  
A hot promise and a cold performance, is like a fart, for it dies in the breeding.  
Adam was the first Man that was deceived by a Woman, but I fear Eve will not be the last Woman, that will deceive a man..  
A house over a man's head is a good harbour in the rain, but, if it be on fire about his ears, he were better be in the field.  
If all faults were written upon foreheads, the world would be full of strange faces.  
If all the thoughts of sin should break out into an itch in the flesh, all the nails in the world, would not be sufficient to scratch them.  
A wise man will do justice for virtues sake, but a fool like a feather is carried away with the wind.  
A Clerk of a Church is the Abridgement of a Minister, for he shuts up his service in Amen.  
A Sexton is a physician of death, for he seldom tolls the bell but to a Funeral.  
A Carrier is the post of Time, for he must make his return, if it be but for letters.  
A Schoolmaster is the terror of a Scholar, for if he can not say his lesson, he must untruss.  
The Gailor is the terror of the prisoner, for he tyrannizeth over the misery of the distressed.  
In shuffling of Cards a man may foist in a knave, but, if the fifth be away the four will do no hurt.  
An unthankful man is a villain in Nature, for the discharge of his duty is without cost.  
It is a wonder in wit, to see the force of will, how it subjects Reason, to the command of Affection.  
Love is too strong for any thing but itself, and yet, if Venus catch Cupid's head in her lap, when she hath lulled him asleep, she will blind him before he wake.  
When Vulcan will be tampering upon metal above his worth, the fault is not in Venus, if Mars teach him better manners.  
If Diana had not been feigned, she had been an admirable woman; and yet, if she had lived to this Age, she would have been laughed at for her niceness.  
If Actaeon be too busy with Diana, let him look to his dogs, for if they mistake his head they will feed upon his carcase.  
If Cleopater had not killed herself for Anthony, a woman had never been the wonder of love.  
FINIS.