DOCTOR Merrie-man: OR, Nothing but Mirth.  
Written by S. R.  
AT LONDON, Printed for john Deane, and are to sold at his Shop at Temple-bar under the gate. 1609.   

Doctor Merry-man, or, Nothing but Mirth.  

A Citizen for recreation sake,  
To see the Country would a journey take,  
Some dozen Mile, or very little more;  
Taking his leave with friends, two months before  
With drinking health's, and shaking by the hand,  
As he had travailed to some newfound land.  
Well, taking Horse with very much ado,  
London he leaveth for a day or two;  
And as he rideth, meets upon the way  
Such, as (what haste soever) bid men stay:  
Sirrah says one, stand, and your Purse deliver;  
I am a taker, thou must be a giver.  
Unto a Wood hard by, they hale him in,  
And riffle him unto his very skin.  
Masters (quoth he) pray hear me ere you go,  
For you have robbed more now than you do know:  
My Horse in troth I borrowed of my Brother,  
The Bridle and the Saddle of another:  
The jerkin and the Bases be a Tailors,  
The Scarf (I do assure you) is a sailors:  
The falling Band is likewise none of mine,  
Nor Cuffs as true as this good light doth shine:  
The Satin Doublet and raised-velvet Hose  
Are our Churchwardens (all the Parish knows)  
The Boots are john the Grocers at the Swan,  
The Spurs were lent me by a serving-man:  
One of my Rings (that with the great red stone)   

A Mony-monger choice of Sureties had,  
A Country-fellow, plain in Russet clad;  
His Doublet Mutton-taffaty, Sheep's skins,  
His Sleeves at hand buttoned with two good pins,  
Upon his head a filthy greasy Hat  
That had a hole (eat thorough by some Rat)  
A Leather Pouch, that with a Snap-haunce shut,  
Two hundred Hobnails in his Shoes were put:  
The Stockings that his clownish Legs did fit,  
Were Kersie to the calf, and other knit:  
And at a word, th'apparel that he wore,  
Was not worth Twelvepences, sold at, Who gives more?  
The other Surety, of an other stuff,  
All Silk and Velvet, in his double Ruff,  
Made Lawn and Cambric, both such common ware;  
His double set, had Falling-band to spare.,  
His fashion new, with last edition stood,  
His Rapier hilts imbrued in Golden blood:  
And these same trappings made him seem one sound,  
To pass his credit for a Hundred pound:  
So was accepted, Russetcoate denied:  
But when time came the Money should be paid,  
And Mounsieur Usurer did haunt him out,  
Strange alteration struck his heart in doubt:  
For in the Counter he was gone to dwell,  
And Brokers had his painted clothes to sell:  
The Usurer then further understands,  
The Clown refused, was rich▪ and had good lands;  
Ready through rage to hang himself, he swore,  
That Silken knaves should cousin him no more.   

A Wealthy Miser's Son, upon the way,  
Met a poor Youth, that did entreat and pray  
Something of Charity in his distress;  
Help sir (quoth he) one that is Fatherless.  
Sirrah (said he) away: be gone with speed;  
I'll help none such; thou art a Knave in deed.  
Dost thou complain, because thou want'st a Father?  
Were it my case, I would rejoice the rather:  
For if thy Father's death, cause thee repine,  
I would my Father had excused thine.   

A Country fellow had a Dream,  
Which did his mind amaze,  
That starting up, he wakes his wife,  
And thus to her he says.  
Oh Woman rise, and help our Goose,  
For even the best we have,  
Is presently at point to die,  
Unless her life you save;  
On either side of her I see  
A hungry Fox doth sit,  
But staying, upon courtesy  
Who shall begin first bit.  
Husband (quoth she) if this be all,  
I can your Dream expound,  
The perfect meaning of the same  
I instantly have found.  
The Goose between two Foxes placed,  
Which in your sleep you saw,  
Is you yourself that prove a Goose,  
In going still to law.  
On either side a Lawyer comes,  
And they do feathers pull,  
That in the end, you will be left  
A bare and naked Gull.  
Wife, in good troth (quoth he) I think,  
Thou art just in the right,  
My Purse can witness to my grief,  
They do begin to bite:  
I do resolve an other course,  
And much commend thy wit;  
I'll leave the Goose's part for them  
That have a mind to it:  
And if thou ever find that I  
To lawing humours fall,  
Let me be hanged at Westminster,  
(Wife) I'll forswear the Hall.   

AN idle fellow that would take no pain,  
Looking that others should his state maintain,  
Was sharp reproved by an honest friend,  
Who told him, Man was made to other end  
Then only eat, and drink, and sleep, and play.  
To whom the lazy creature thus did say;  
(Sir) I do near intend to labour much,  
Because I see the bad reward of such  
As take most pains: Horses that labour great,  
Are cast in ditches for the Dogs to eat.   

A Crafty kind of knavish fool,  
Where of there plenty be,  
Did break his Mistress looking-glass.  
And swore it was not he:  
His Master did examine him,  
Demanding who it was,  
(Sir) if you'll be content (quoth he)  
I'll tell who broke the Glass.  
With that, he brought him in the Hall,  
To Fortune's Picture there,  
Saying, Sir, 'twas Fortune did the de●d,  
She ought the blame to bear.  
His Master took a Cudgel,  
And belaboured him withal,  
Who crying out for mercy, down  
Before his feet did fall.  
Nay (quoth his Master) 'tis not I,  
To Fourtune you must speak,  
For even she that cudgels you,  
The Glass before did break.   

A Sort of Clowns for loss which they sustained  
By Soldiers, to the Captain sore complained,  
With doleful words, and very woeful faces,  
They moved him to compassionate their cases.  
Good Sir (says one) I pray redress our wrong,  
They that have done it, unto you belong:  
Of all that ere we had, we are bereft,  
Except our very Shirts, nothing is left.  
The Captain answered thus; Fellows hear me:  
My Soldiers robbed you not, I plainly see:  
At your first speech you made me somewhat sad,  
But your last words resolved the doubt I had:  
The greatest Monarch that on earth we find,  
Puts off to me: Mower you come behind.  
Th'other replied, Barber in vain you jar,  
I have a privilege exceeds you far;  
For when by me, the Grass with Sith is shorn,  
Or that my Sickle cutteth down the Corn,  
Upon the stumps I boldly can untruss:  
What Barber on his work, that dare do thus?   

AN humorous fantastic Ass,  
Whose Wit and Wealth were spent,  
Did in all companies he came  
Boast of his great descent.  
And all the Gentlemen he knew,  
Unto his blood were base:  
For he could prove from noah's great Flood,  
His stock of royal race.  
Pray Sir (quoth one) take no more pains  
In this same worthy thing,  
For it is most apparent plain,  
From what old House you spring.  
You may just prove your Pedigree  
From Noah to this hour:  
Your Ancestors good Masons were,  
That wrought on Babel Tower.  
And were I as your Worship is,  
In spite of Bricklayers hall,  
I would give Trowel in mine Arms,  
A Ladder, Tray, and all.   

GEntlemen that approach about my stall,  
To most rare Physic I invite you all;  
Come near and hearken what I have to sell,  
And deal with me all those that are not well.  
In this Box here, I have such precious stuff,  
To give it praise, I have not words enough:  
If any Humour in your Brains be crept,  
I'll fetch it out, as if your Heads were swept.  
Almost through Europe I have shown my face,  
In every Town and every Market place;  
Behold this Salve; I do not use to lie,  
Whole Hospitals, there have been cured thereby.  
I do not stand here, like a tattered slave,  
My Velvet and my Chain of Gold I have:  
Which cannot be maintained by men's looks:  
Friends, all your Town is hardly worth my Books.  
There stands my Coach and Horses, 'tis mine own;  
From hence to Turkey is my credit known:  
In few I cannot boast as many will;  
Let nothing speak for me but only skill.  
See you that thing, like Gingerbread lies there?  
My tongue cannot express to any ear  
The sundry virtues that it doth contain,  
Or number half the Worms that it hath slain.  
If in your bellies there be Crawlers bred  
In multitudes, like Hairs upon your head:  
Within some hour space, or thereabout,  
At all the holes you have, I'll fetch them out,  
And ferret them before that I have done,  
Even like the Hare that forth a bush doth run.  
Hear is a wondrous Water for the Eye,  
This for the Stomach: Masters will you buy?  
When I am gone, you will repent too late,  
And then, like fools, among yourselves will prate,  
Oh that we had that famous Man again,  
When I shall be supplied in France or Spain:  
Now for a Stoter, you a Box may have,  
That will the lives of half a dozen save.  
My Man is come, and in mine ear he says,  
At home for me, at least are hundred stays;  
All Gentlemen, wet for your good you see,  
I make them tarry and attend for mee:  
If that you have no Money, let me know,  
Physic of alms, upon you lie bestow.  
What Doctor in the world can offer more?  
Such arrant Clowns I never knew before?  
Here you do stand like Owls and gaze on me,  
But not a penny from you I can see.  
A man shall come to do such dunces good,  
And can not hare his meaning understood,  
To talk to senseless people is in vain,  
I'll see you hanged ere I come here again:  
Be all Diseased as bad as Horses be,  
And die in Ditches like to dogs form:  
An old wives Medicine, Parsely, Time, and Sage,  
Will serve such Buzzards in this scurvy age:  
Goose-greafe and Fenell, with a few Dog-dates,  
Is excellent for such base lousy mates:  
Farewell, some Hempton Halter be the charm,  
To stretch your necks as long as is mine arm.   

ONe came to court a Wench which was precise,  
And by the spirit did the flesh despise,  
Moving a secret match between them two;  
But she in sooth and sadness would not do.  
He did reply, so sweet a fair as she,  
Made of the stuff as all frail women be;  
Ought by the law of Nature to be kind,  
And show herself to hear a woman's mind.  
Well Sir (quoth she) you men do much prevails  
With cunning speeches and a pleasing tale;  
'tis but a folly to be over nice,  
You shall: but twenty shillings is my price:  
Abrace of Angels if you will bestow,  
Come such a time, and I am for you, so.  
Well, he took leave, and with Her husband met,  
Told him by bond be was to pay a debt:  
Entreating him to do so good a deed,  
As lend him twenty shillings at his need▪.  
Which very kind he present did extend,  
And th'other willing on his Wife did spend:  
So taking leave with her, he goes his ways▪  
Meeting his Creditor within few days,  
And told him, Sir, I was at home to pay  
The twenty shillings which you lent last day:  
And with your wife (because you were not their)  
I left it pray you with my holdness bear.  
'tis well (quoth he) I am glad I did you pleasure,  
So coming home, questions his Wife a Measure:  
I pray sweet heart, was such a man with thee▪  
To pay two Angels, which he had of me▪  
She blushed, and said; he hath been 〈…〉ed in deed,  
But you did ill to▪ lend; Husband take heed:  
The falsehood of the world you do not spy,  
It is not good to trust before we try:  
Pray lend no more, for it may breed much strife,  
To have such Knaves come home to pay your Wife.   

A Crew of Foxes, all on thieving set,  
Together at a Country Hen-roost met,  
Where the poor Poultry went to grievous wrack;  
For there they feasted till their guts did crack,  
Having well supped, ready to go away,  
Without demanding what they had to pay;  
Says one unto the rest: Friens hark unto me,  
Let's point where our next meeting place shall be.  
With a goodwill says one above the rest,  
At such a Farmer's house, his Lambs be best.  
Nay (quoth another) I do know a Clown,  
Hath even the fattest Geese in all the Town:  
Well Masters, said a grave and ancient Fox,  
Had been the death of many Hens and Cox,  
The surest place to meet, that I can tell,  
Will be the Skinner's shop: and so farewell.   

A Shepherd that a careful eye did keep,  
Unto the safety of his grazing Sheep;  
Perceived a Wolf through the hedge to prie:  
Sirrah (quoth he) pray, what make you so nigh?  
Why (said the Wolf) thou seest I do no ill,  
Thy Flocks are far enough upon the hill.  
What justice now a days these people lacks?  
The Crows ride boldly on thy Cattles backs,  
And not a word thou sayest to them at all;  
Yet but for looking on, with me dost brawl.  
The proverb's true, for now I find it well,  
Which once I heard an ancient old Wolf tell:  
He that upon a bad ill name doth light,  
Is even half hanged, as good be hanged outright;  
And I myself by proof can now allege,  
Some better steal, than some look over the hedge.   

THe Devil did complain he was not well,  
And would go take some Physic out of Hell:  
To England, France, and Spain, with speed he got,  
Where all refused him, he did burn so hot.  
In haste he then to Germany did high,  
The cunning of a Quacksalver to try;  
Where in a market place, upon a Stage,  
He found a fellow could all griefs assuage.  
Doctor (quoth he) I want some of thy skill,  
For I do find I am exceeding ill:  
And any thing for ease I will endure;  
What, wilt thou undertake my pain to cure?  
If thou canst ease the malady I have,  
Thou shalt have Gold, even what thyself will't crave.  
Gentleman (said this Doctor to the Devil)  
Upon my life, I'll rid you of your evil;  
Make unto me those griefs you have but known,  
And with the curing them, let me alone.  
Why Sir (doth he) my Head with Horns doth ache,  
My Brains doth Brimstone-like Tobacco take;  
My Eyes are full of everburning Fire,  
My Tongue a drop of Water doth desire;  
About my Heart doth crawling Serpents creep,  
And I can neither eat, nor drink, nor sleep:  
There's no Diseases whatsoe'er they be,  
But I have all of them imposed on me.  
All torments that the tongue of man can name,  
Within, without, in a continual flame.  
Quoth the Quacksalver, Sir, I'll undertake  
A sound man of you in a month to make:  
Wilt please your Worship, show me where you dwell?  
Marry (quoth he) my Chamber is in Hell:  
Thy charges in the journey I will bear,  
And I'll prefer thee to the Devil there.  
With speed get up, I'll take thee on my back.  
The World may spare you, and in Hell we lack.   

A Bishop met two Priests upon the way,  
And did salute them with the time of day:  
Good-morrow Clarks, unto you both (quoth he.)  
Sir (they replied) no Clerks, but Priests are we.  
Why (said the Bishop) than I will consent  
Unto the title of your own content:  
Since you deny to carry Scholars marks,  
Good-morrow to you Priests (that are no Clerks:)   

ONe climbing of a Tree, by hap  
Fell down and broke his Arm,  
And did complain unto a friend  
Of his unlucky harm.  
Would I had counseled you before  
(Quoth he) to whom he spoke;  
I know a trick for Climbers,  
That they never hurt shall take.  
Neighbour (said he) I have a Son,  
And he doth use to climb,  
Pray let me know that same for him,  
Against another time.  
Why thus (quoth he) let any man  
That lives, climb near so high:  
And make no more haste down, then up,  
No harm can come thereby.   

AN aged Gentleman, sore sick did lie,  
Expecting life, that could not choose but die:  
His Fool came to him, and entreateth this?  
Good Master ere you go away from us,  
Bestow on jacke (that oft hath made you laugh)  
Against he waxeth old, your walking-staff.  
I will (quoth he) go take it, there it is;  
But on condition jacke, which shall be this:  
If thou do meet with any while thou live,  
More Fool than thou, the Staff thou shalt him give.  
Master (said he) upon my life I will,  
But I do hope that I shall keep it still.  
When Death drew near, and faintness did proceed,  
His Master calls for a Divine with speed,  
For to prepare him unto heavens way.  
The Fool starts up, and hastily did say:  
Oh Master, Master, take your Staff again,  
That prove yourself the most Fool of us twain:  
Have you lived now, some fourscore years and odd,  
And all this time, are unprepared for God▪  
What greater Fool can any meet withal,  
Then one that's ready in the Grave to fall,  
And is to seek about his soul's estate,  
When Death is opening of the prison-gate?  
Bear witness friends, that I discharge me plain▪  
Hear Master, here, receive your Staff again:  
Upon the same condition I did take it,  
According as you wiled me, I forsake it.  
And over and above, I will bestow,  
This Epitaph, which shall your folly show.  
Hear lies a man, at death did heaven claim.  
But in his life, he never sought the same.   

A Simple Clown in Flaunders,  
As he travailing had been,  
(Having his Wife in company)  
I have my serving-men that wait  
Upon me in blue Coats:  
I have my Oars that attend  
My pleasure, with their Boats:  
I have my Champions that will fight,  
My Lovers that do fawn:  
I have my Hat, my Hood, my Mask,  
My Fan, my Cobweb Lawn:  
To give my Glove unto a Gull,  
Is mighty favour found:  
When for the wearing of the same,  
It costs him twenty pound.  
My Garter as a gracious thing,  
Another takes away:  
And for the same a silken Gown,  
The Prodigal doth pay.  
Then comes an Ass, and he forsooth  
Is in such longing heat,  
My Busk-poynt even on his knees,  
With tears he doth entreat:  
I grant it, to rejoice the man,  
And then request a thing;  
Which is both Gold and precious stone,  
The Woodcocks Diamond Ring.  
Another lowly minded youth,  
Forsooth my Shooe-string craves,  
And that he putteth through his ear,  
Calling the rest, base slaves.  
Thus fit I Fools in humours still,  
That come to me for game,  
I punish them for Venerte,  
Leaving their Purses lame.  
In Newgate some take lodging up.  
Till they to Tyburn ride:  
And others walk to Wood-street,  
With a Sergeant by their side.  
Some go to Houns-ditch with their clothes  
To pawn for money lending:  
And some I send to Surgeon's shops,  
Because they lack somemending.  
Others pass ragged up and down,  
All tattered, rend, and torn;  
But being in that scurvy case,  
Their companies I scorn.  
For if they come and fawn on me;  
There's nothing to be got;  
As soon as ere my Merchants break,  
I swear, I know them not.  
No entertainment, nor a look,  
That they shall get of me:  
If once I do begin perceive  
That out of cash they be,  
All kindnesses that I profess,  
The fairest shows I make,  
Is love to all that come to me  
For Gold and Siluers sake.  
To forward men, I forward am;  
Most frank unto the free:  
But such as take their wares on trust,  
Are not to deal with me.  
The World is hard, all things are dear,  
Good-fellowship decays:  
And every one seeks profit now,  
In these same hungry days.  
Although my trade in secret be,  
Unlawful to be known;  
Yet I will make the best I can,  
Of that which is mine own.  
For seeing I do venture fair,  
At price of whipping cheer,  
I have no reason but to make  
My Customers pay dear:  
Our charge beside, is very great  
To keep us fine and brave,  
A Whore that goes not gallantly,  
Shall little doings have.  
Therefore all things considered well,  
Our charges, and our danger:  
A daily Friend shall pay as much  
As any Termtime stranger.   

A Rich man and a poor did both appear  
Before a judge, an injury to clear:  
The Rich did tell a tale most tedious long,  
Mending (as he supposed) with words, the wrong:  
And ever when the Poor man would have spoke,  
With bold outfacing speech he did him choke▪  
The woeful wight at length could bear no longer,  
But boldly raised his voice both loud and stronger:  
My Lord (quoth he) pray now bid Dives stay,  
And hear but what poor Lazarus can say:  
My Ox came in his field, which he doth keep,  
And swears for that, he'll pay me with a Sheep.   
FINIS.