THE KNAVE OF Clubs.  
Printed at London for W. Ferebrand, and are to be sold at his shop in Popes-head Palace. 1609.   

TO FUSTIS Knave of Clubs.  
FUSTIS, the humours of a Knave,  
To thee I dedicate;  
Which hath been christened knave of Clubs  
By Gentlemen of late:  
For thy notorious swaggering life,  
Thou liv'st about the Town;  
And Fleet-street frays, when Prentices  
With Clubs did knock thee down:  
Thy tricks, and feats thou hast at cards,  
To cut upon a Knave,  
That let a man draw where he will,  
Thy picture he shall have.  
Thy haunting of the Dicing-house,  
To cheat a living there,  
The Panders profit out of Whores,  
For whom thou'lt sighed and swear,  
Thy bold and brazen faced exploit  
In want, some quoin to get,  
At Bedlem-bowling alley late,  
Where Citizens did bet:  
And threw their money on the ground,  
To which thou didst incline,  
And taking up an angel, swore  
By God this game is mine.  
While they upon each other look,  
Not knowing what to say,  
Clubs calls (come sirrah) to his man,  
And goes with quoin away.  
These and a thousand villainies,  
Which now I will omit,  
Hath got Thee placed captain here  
Because thou merits is,  
March in the forefront of my book,  
And say I use thee kind,  
A crew of madmen, knaves and fools,  
Thy fellows come behind.  
S. R.   

A Whooremonger.  
AN ancient wooer matched himself for gold,  
Unto a widow fourscore winters old,  
Whose wholesome money, did beget good will,  
She brought him bags, 4. husbands helped to fill  
As arrant misers as the earth contains,  
Which with their moiling care, & peasant pains  
Had scraped thousands, yet even such they were,  
As ISIS Ass which loads of gold did bear,  
And was himself an object toiling beast,  
Burdened with that which he enjoyed least.  
This golden Grandham loved a cup of sack,  
Which her kind husband would not see her lack:  
but willingly a nights would make her drunk,  
Because indeed he kept a servant punk,  
Who when her mistress had it in the head,  
Would come and creep into her masters bed.  
This held out long, until one night, kind JOAN  
Hearing her master cough, and Mistress groan,  
Prepared herself (the cough was still his call)  
To tell the naked truth she stripped of all.  
And coming like a Wench of willing spirit,  
To do her masters business in the night,  
Such tumbling in the Bed (belike) did keep,  
She waked her quiet Mistress out of sleep.  
Who was by this recovered in the brain,  
And gotten sober by her sleep again.  
Perceiving plainly how the matter went,  
And why the kindness of the sack was meant,  
Starts up and cries, ah Whore am I your bawd?  
Out wicked Knave, and with her Nails be clawed  
Them cruelly, that Wench and Master bled,  
Then with her feet she spurned them out of bed,  
The violence of that same furious fall,  
Threw them both down, with chamber-pot & all,  
So that the scratching, washed with filthy smell,  
Did kill the Itch, like whipping in Bridewell.   

A Pander.  
A Country blewcoate serving-man,  
In Termtime sent to Town:  
Would range the City for some news  
To carry with him down.  
At length he got into More-fieldes,  
Viewing the Walks and Trees:  
And thence to Garden-Alley goes,  
Where at a Door he sees,  
A Punk prepared for passengers,  
Set out for bawdy sale,  
Who smiling said, kind Gentleman,  
Bestow some Bottle-Ale  
Upon me, if you love a Wench,  
Whom you shall ready find.  
To countervail your courtesy,  
In what you will, most kind.  
Some bottle-ale (quoth he) where is't?  
Hast any near at hand?  
Yes sir (said she) I pray come in:  
Thus she was seruing-mand.  
He sits him down into a chair,  
And to his liquor falls,  
While she unto her maid for cakes,  
Stewed prunes, and pippins calls:  
Which being brought them, down she sits,  
And as they both embrace,  
A swaggering rogue breaks open door,  
And's Rapier did uncase,  
Villain (quoth he) and damned whore,  
Before the Lord you die,  
For this deflowering of my wife,  
What hast thou to reply?  
Sir said the clown you do me wrong,  
Upon me thus to rail,  
As I came by she called me in,  
To drink some bottle-ale,  
And by this bread I touched no more,  
But only hand and lip:  
No, said the Ruffian, speak you whore,  
And look thou dost not trip,  
Else had you thousand lives you die,  
She falling down with speed,  
cried out, dear husband pardon me,  
We have been nought in deed.  
Sirrah what say you now (quoth he)  
She hath confessed it plain:  
Villain thou diest: oh hold (says he)  
Hear me one word again,  
Five pound is all the coin I have  
That will I freely give,  
Hear take it sir with all my heart,  
So you will let me live:  
Five pound (quoth he) dost think i'll sell  
My reputation so?  
Five hundred will not satisfy,  
My wife was chaste (I know)  
Before thou brought'st her unto this,  
Speak didst offend before?  
Never kind husband (qd. the whore)  
Nor near will wrong you more.  
Well, housewife well, your tears prevail  
Joined with a faithful vow,  
Give me five pound, and for this time  
I'll pocket all up now.  
You seem an honest simple man,  
Refrain to tempt men's wives:  
The only cause I let you live  
Is to amend your lives.   

A Shark  
TWo hungry Sharks did travel Paul's,  
Until their guts cried out,  
& knew not how, with both their wits,  
To bring one meal about:  
Says one to t'other, what coin hast?  
My famished entrails groans,  
I find but hungry diet here,  
Amongst these rotten bones:  
He did reply, faith not a cross  
To bless me in this case,  
I must go seek to mend myself,  
In some more wholesome place.  
And I but one poor penny have,  
In all the world is mine,  
(Quoth other) but I'll try my wits,  
How that can make me dine.  
So towards Smithfield he departs,  
Unto a Cooks thereby,  
And calleth for his Can of beer,  
The boy comes presently,  
And brings it him: Sir said the youth,  
Wil't please you eat a bit?  
I'll fetch a dainty slice of beef,  
Is hot upon the spit.  
Sirrah (qd. he) why do and twoot,  
Which nimble jacke did bring,  
And he as nimbly eat it up,  
Yet still his guts did wring.  
jack sees all gone, says Gentleman,  
Wilt please you taste good cheese?  
I boy an twooed (quoth he again)  
Thought Shark, this well agrees  
With my most woeful stomachs state,  
So jacke with cheese comes in,  
And that was soon devoured up  
Even as the beef had been.  
Being thus dispatched, he lays down jack  
A penny for the shot,  
Sir what shall this do said the boy?  
Why rogue discharge my pot:  
So much I called for, but the rest  
By me shall near be paid,  
For victuals thou didst offer me,  
Do and thou wilt I said.  
jacke seeing he no more would pay,  
Unto his master went,  
And told him there was one within,  
That had much victuals spent,  
And would not see the house discharged,  
The Cook unto him goes,  
Requesting him of courtesy  
To pay the debt he owes:  
Sir said the swagg'rer, I protest,  
I called but for a Can,  
According to the coin I had,  
As I am Gentleman,  
My hunger was exceeding great,  
Your boy did offer beef,  
And bread, and cheese, which when I heard,  
Unto my stomachs grief,  
Quoth I, why bring it boy and t'woot,  
Leaving it to his will,  
Which he did bring, as if he meant,  
My hungry corpse to fill.  
I could not choose but feed thereon,  
(This is the truth mine Host)  
Yet score it up, when God sends coin,  
I will discharge your post.  
The Cook sees nothing to be had,  
Let's him departed away,  
Who meets his fellow Shark,  
In Paul's again next day,  
And told him how exceeding well,  
He for his penny sped,  
On roasted beef, good bread & cheese,  
Only for that he fed,  
Prithee (quoth he) but tell me where?  
That Host shall sure be mine,  
Marry (says he) in such a place,  
A Cook at such a sign:  
Go there, and call but for a Can,  
And there's a dapper knave,  
Comes, gentleman, what dainty bit  
For diet will you have?  
A stately piece of roasted beef,  
Fine cheese, what will you eat?  
Then say you, sirrah I an t'woot  
You need not pay for's meat.  
Oh excellent (quoth he) I'll go,  
Such simple fools to gull,  
And spend a pot withal my heart,  
To fill my belly full.  
Away he walks unto the house,  
To feed him on the jest,  
Sirrah (says he) a Can of beer,  
And look you bring the best:  
The boy according to his use,  
Returns with nimble speed,  
Saying, Gentleman is't your desire,  
On fine roast beef to feed?  
Fine beef (quoth he) I boy an t'woot  
The boy runs down amain,  
Cries master, come, bring Tom & Georg,  
Heeres I an twoot again:  
His master brings up both his men,  
In all the haste might be,  
And I an twoot be basted so,  
He had no eyes to see.  
They larded and be greased his bones,  
Until his shoulders sweat,  
And gave him sour sawee good store,  
Unto his fellows meat.   

A politic Thief  
AMongst freebooters by the hie-way-side,  
Such as men's purses woefully misguide,  
Unto some Inn the owner never meant,  
To be beyond a Lordship's lowance spent,  
A Gentleman that could dispend by year,  
Five hundred pounds (when purchase came in clear)  
Whose living only made him to repine,  
Because the Hangman was to have a fine,  
At Burstow-cawsie, Gadshill and Coome-park,  
Had taken up about some hundred-marke,  
With which to London he was forced to fly,  
And get him clear of fearful Hue and Cry,  
Meeting with one just of his own dispose,  
With him he plotted to escape his foes,  
And told him in what terms his case did stand,  
What extreme danger eminent at hand,  
But (saith he) if thou wilt afford consent,  
My policy their purpose shall prevent.  
I'll frame a Bill that I am in thy debt,  
And to the same an Ant date will set,  
Thou shalt arrest me, I'll to counter go,  
And they may search, until their hearts ache so,  
No man will look for me in that same place,  
'Twill be my castle for some three months space,  
while they search Tavern, rifle victualing-howse,  
There I secure will drink a healths carouse,  
This was agreed unto the bill was made,  
Purse-taker was arrested, there he staid,  
Until no further danger did appear,  
Then with his creditor the debt did clear,  
and being discharged, they to a tavern went,  
Quoth plotter here's an angel ro be spent  
Only in kindness, prithee back restore,  
What I have paid in jest, six Angels more  
The other wished, God might his soul confound,  
If he gave back a penny of that three pound,  
I saved thy life (qd. he) and will be paid,  
Although the plot thereof by thee was laid,  
Th'effecting it by me thou didst obtain,  
Nay, I have ventured hanging for my pain:  
And dost thou think ten shillings spent in wine,  
Sufficient pay for this good turn of mine?  
My staying here in town to pleasure thee,  
Is many purse out of the way to me,  
Had been mine own as sure as this is plate:  
Drink, no more words, a penny I'll not bate.  
Quoth other, wilt not? and his poniard drew,  
Stabs at him, saying, villain thou shalt rue  
This cheating of a better man than thou:  
Says other, thou'rt an arrant thief I vow,  
Drawing his dagger, wounding him again,  
With that, house-guests priest in the room amain,  
And understanding how their quarrel grew,  
The robbery, and plot that did ensue,  
The falling out for challenging three pound,  
They present were for newgate voyage bound:  
From thence up Holborne-hill they were conveyed,  
And so at Tyburn all the quarrel stayed.   

A cunning man alias cozening knave.  
A shifting knave about the town,  
Did challenge wondrous skill:  
To tell men's fortunes & good haps,  
He had the stars at will.  
What day was best to travel on,  
Which fit to choose a wife,  
If violent, or natural,  
a man should end his life.  
Success of any suit in law,  
Which parties cause prevails  
when it is good to pick one's teeth  
And ill to pair his nails.  
So cunningly he played the knave,  
That he deluded many,  
With shifting, base and cozening tricks,  
For skill he had not any.  
Amongst a crew of simple gulls,  
That plid'e him to their cost,  
A Butcher comes and craves his help,  
That had some cattle lost,  
Ten groats he gave him to his fee,  
And he to conjure goes,  
With characters, & vocables,  
and divers antic shows.  
The Butcher in a beastly fear,  
Expected spirits still,  
And wished himself within his shop,  
Some sheep or calf to kill:  
His colour changed red and pale,  
The sweat ran down his face,  
and by the smell a man might judge,  
His hose in filthy case.  
at length forth of an odd blind hole,  
Behind a painted cloth,  
a Devil comes with roaring voice,  
Seeming exceeding wroth,  
With squibs and crackers all about,  
Wildfire he did send,  
which swaggering Bal● (the butcher's dog)  
So highly did offend,  
That he 〈…〉 D●uill flies,  
And shakes his horns so sore,  
Even like an Ox (most terrible)  
He made Hobgoblin roar,  
The cunning man, cries, Gods love help,  
Unto your mastiff call,  
Fight Dog, fight Devil (butcher said)  
And claps his hands at Ball,  
The Dog most cruel tore his flesh,  
The Devil went to wrack,  
And looked like a tottered rogue,  
With ne'er a rag on's back:  
Give me my money back again,  
Thou slave, the butcher said,  
Or I will see your devils heart,  
Before he can be laid:  
He gets not back again to hell,  
Ere I my money have,  
Nay, and I will have interest too,  
Besides mine own I gave.  
Deliver first mine own ten groats,  
And then a crown to boot,  
I smell your devils knavery out,  
He wants a cloven foot,  
The conjuror with all his 〈◊〉  
The money back repaies,  
and gives five shillings of his own,  
To whom the Butcher says,  
Farewell most scurvy conjuror,  
Think on my valiant deed,  
Which have done more than English George,  
That made the Dragon bleed:  
He and his Horse the story tells,  
Did but a Serpent slay:  
I and my Dog, the Devil spoiled,  
We two have got the day.   

Brawling contention,  
TWo railing creatures fell at strife,  
and such a clamour made,  
That people passing by, stood still,  
To hearken what they said.  
amongst the rest a woman comes,  
Demanding of the rout,  
I pray (quoth she) what is the cause,  
Of all this falling out?  
One presently made answer thus,  
You are a whore (quoth he)  
Thou art an errand scurvy knave,  
and rascal rogue (said she)  
Why thus (quoth he) these two fell out,  
The quarrel that they have,  
Began at first as we do now,  
With calling whore and knave.   

Master makeshift.  
A Needy Poet of a poor complexion,  
Whose purse was sick of very long infection,  
That writ (as beggars crave an alms) for need,  
Oft wanting meat when he would gladly feed,  
(Who when he traveled to Parnassus' hill,  
Was much beholden to tobacco still,  
For how so ere his chimney wanted fire,  
His nose was smoking to his hearts desire)  
Comes to a tavern, where he understood,  
A dinner was prepared exceeding good,  
For divers gentlemen, of which kind crew,  
Some half a dozen very friends he knew,  
So boldly did intrude into the place,  
With hungry stomach, and a brazen face,  
They welcome him, and kindly do entreat  
To do as they do, sit him down and eat,  
Which wholesome word no repetition needs,  
For like a starveling, he falls to and feeds:  
Little discourse long time he could afford,  
But answers, true sir, unto every word:  
'tis right forsooth, and so again crammes in,  
As if a fortnight he had fasting been:  
Plying his victuals thus an hour at least,  
Like unto Wolnor that same ravening beast:  
His pudding-house at length began to swell,  
And he took leisure some strange lies to tell:  
And those he swears unto by cups of wine,  
(For now to liquor he doth whole incline)  
Well, growing late they for a reckoning call,  
and Vintner's boy brings up a bill of all,  
So every man doth cast his money down,  
Ten groats, 3. shillings, other some their crown:  
Which all upon a trencher was conveyed  
To Poet penniless, and him they prayed  
To make the shot: nay Gentlemen (quoth he)  
I do entreat you all to pardon me,  
I'll spend my crown, and put his hand in's hose,  
where not a penny could be found, God knows:  
While still they swear that he shall make the shot  
at last the money in his hand he got,  
and rising, to the fiddlers turns about,  
Come on (quoth he) what new thing is come out?  
Sure Gentlemen (said they) we have not any,  
Then sing me, I could fancy lovely Nanny,  
(And here is for you, I'll but go and leak,  
Call for a pot, there's not a rogue will speak)  
So takes his cloak and down the stairs away,  
With all the money was laid down to pay:  
The Gentlemen suspecting no such thing,  
Discourse together, and the fiddlers sing,  
Until they miss their Poet overlong,  
Who took his leave most kindly with a song:  
They knock and call and send to seek below,  
But what's become of him, there's none doth know  
he's gone to walk, his dinner to digest,  
Of all the money they laid down possessed,  
Some fifty shillings the had gotten clear,  
In courtesy, for all the great good cheer.  
Now every man must to his purse again,  
In Vintner's debt, and Fiddlers they remain,  
Some swear, some swagger, others laugh thereat,  
Wishing the reckoning would make thin-gut fat:  
A pox upon this Poet one did curse,  
He hath not left a penny in my purse:  
Five shillings not a farthing more I had,  
And thus be-guld, doth make me almost mad,  
With all my heart I'll spend a crown, or twain,  
To meet the rascal in my dish again:  
I wo●ld bestab his skin, like doublet cuts,  
And garter up his stockings with his guts.  
Then down the stairs the villain should be tossed  
Like ●● a football in a winter's frost.  
Gentlemen says another, silence now,  
'tis but a folly to protest and vow,  
Although plain dealing be a jewel still,  
We must use double dealing 'gainst our will:  
And pay our shot again was paid before,  
For yet you see we stand upon the score:  
We are well served if things be rightly scanned,  
To put our reckoning into Makeshifts hand.  
But laugh it out, lest we be laughed to scorn,  
Good wits are worthy to have charges borne.   

A Gull.  
One wittily described a Gull,  
In different sort and kind,  
and to the life doth paint a fop,  
For eyes that are not blind,  
His first Gull fears a silken wench,  
Her velvet gown doth scare him,  
Another wears a silver hilt;  
Yet every boy will dare him;  
Next cometh fashions jack-an-apes  
A Gull composed of pride,  
That hath his goodness in good clothes,  
And nothing good beside.  
And lastly he's a Gull of Gulls,  
That makes an outward seeming,  
Yet hath not one poor ounce of wit,  
That's worth wise men's esteeming,  
But unto these let's add a Gul,  
That's very late found out,  
Will spend his living, land, & wealth,  
To find conclusions out,  
he'll make you bread of pompion seeds,  
Shall far excel all wheat,  
And with a kind of burning glass,  
In Sun, roast any meat,  
he'll teach an ape to speak good french,  
jackedaw to write and read,  
And has a trick to use a Cat,  
That she shall Ferrets breed,  
Yet these are all inferior things,  
To those his wit hath found,  
Such secrets never were disclosed,  
Upon this earthly ground,  
For shortly he intends to fly,  
One wing is almost made,  
To put down simple Dedalus,  
He doth himself persuade.  
But see how wise ingenious men,  
Do often overslip!  
A craftier knave than he (of late)  
Had got him on the hip,  
Which sold him a familiar spirit,  
A Devil in a box,  
An artificial fly of silk,  
(A devil with a pox)  
For this my Gull gives twenty pound,  
(Would I might sell him flies)  
But he should learn beside forsooth,  
To make a devil rise,  
This was allowed to the match,  
And he must fall to charm,  
So both against the pointed day,  
Themselves for spirits arm,  
The Gull gets on a surplis,  
With a cross upon his breast,  
Like Allen playing Faustus,  
In that manner he was dressed:  
And having all his furniture,  
He steps into the ring,  
Says his instructor stir not out,  
I must go fetch a thing  
Is left below, I needs must have  
So out of door he hies,  
Unto an officer hard by,  
Saying sir in any wise,  
Come with all expedition,  
I will bring you to a place,  
Where a most wicked creature is,  
A wretch that wanteth grace,  
Raising of devils, which you know,  
The law doth strait forbid,  
The action is so horrible,  
I durst not keep it hid,  
The officer in all the haste,  
Unto the house repairs,  
And his director wills him go,  
Directly up the stairs:  
Mean while, ●●mselfe slips clean away,  
The Constable comes in:  
And in the King's name chargeth him,  
To cease his hellish sin,  
Art thou a raising devils here,  
I charge thee to obey me,  
Quoth Gull, if I should stir a foot,  
Ten thousand spirits would slay me,  
Keep out my circle, come not near,  
Say you fair warning have,  
Depart before the Devil comes,  
Lest hell be made thy grave,  
I'll raise the ghost of Hercules,  
Shall brain thee with his club,  
Dost thou not see a smoke appear?  
Why now comes Belzebub,  
I conjure thee be gone I say,  
Depart by Fee, Fa, Fum:  
Now Rago, Crago is at hand,  
Look where his horns do come.  
The officer imagining,  
He saw something arise,  
Ran down the stairs half mad with fear,  
And help, clubs, halberds cries:  
So apprehended him presently,  
And carries him away,  
Unto a justice, where the fool  
Had not a word to say,  
But only that he meant no harm,  
And would a devil see,  
Why quoth the Magistrate, thou shalt,  
I'll send thee where they be,  
Incarnate devils, such as do  
Assume a human shape:  
To newgate with him presently,  
For playing Pluto's ape,  
where when he came he found the knave  
That taught him conjuration,  
Villain (quoth he) base rogue and slave,  
Is this your charming fashion?  
To cousin me of twenty pounds,  
And bring me here to hell?  
Kind Gentleman (said he) forbear,  
I'll recompense you well,  
Of purpose I have met you here,  
Because you shall see art,  
To morrow by a spirits help,  
We both from hence will part.  
And all things I have promised you,  
Shall be performed at full,  
So next day got himself released,  
And there leaves goodman Gull.   

A Cuckold.  
A City wanton full of pride and lust,  
Of Venus' strain and disposition just,  
That could her husband on the forehead strike,  
And make his brow to swell Actaeon like,  
Yet he poor silly man, ne'er felt it smart,  
But took all kind that came from his sweetheart,  
Had two choice friends to sport herself withal,  
Two cousins, you may cuckould-makers call:  
The one a Captain and a martial wight,  
Was champion in his mistress cause to fight,  
And for the service that he did by day,  
She did reward him with a nightly pay.  
The other was a courtier gallant, brave,  
That great content to her sweet person gave:  
Her dear Adonis, quick and pleasant witted,  
With these, the virtuous citizen was fitted:  
To them she gave kind entertainment still,  
Having a maid sorted unto her will,  
Which for the service she did much applaud,  
Being her mistress crafty cunning bawd,  
A trusty messenger from each to other,  
Who for her pains got money, and the t'other  
They call good turn, which Betteris would not lose,  
Because her service did deserve such fees  
The courtier one time having understood,  
By cuckold's absence, how the time was good,  
To go a grafting, hies him to the place,  
Where he might give loves mistress, loves embrace.  
while he was in his courtly compliments▪  
The maid comes in, and heavy news presents,  
Saying the captain was a coming in,  
Which to the courtier ever foe had been,  
For they bare hatred of a jealous spite,  
And each had vowed where ere they met, to fight,  
Oh love (quoth she) creep underneath the bed,  
This is no fight place, sweet hide thy head,  
For love of christ keep you unseen asunder,  
Well for this time (quoth he) I will creep under,  
Because thy name in question shall not be,  
Else would I die on him for love of thee.  
So up comes Captain and he falls to court,  
With speech befitting Mars and Venus sport,  
Kind love quoth he now Vulcan is not here,  
I'll claim the rites befitting love my dear,  
Had I the courtier here loved thee before,  
While we were busy he should keep the door,  
Or I would make incision in his guts,  
And carve his carcase full of wounds and cuts,  
With that, the maid again comes up the stairs  
Crying dear mistress now gins our cares,  
My masters coming what shift will you make▪  
Now hold out wit, 'tis for our credit's sake:  
Captain (quoth she) to rid all doubt and fear,  
Unto my counsel lend a willing ear,  
Put but in practise what I shall advise,  
And on my life no prejudice will rise,  
Draw out your weapon, & go swearing down  
Look terrible, (I need not teach you frown)  
And vow you'll be revenged some other time  
And then leave me, to make the reason rhyme,  
I will says he, so down apace he goes:  
with Rapier drawn, such fearful looks he shows  
The cuckold trembles to behold the sight  
And up he comes as he had met some spirit▪  
Ah wife (said he) what creature did I meet?  
Hath he done any harm to thee my sweet?  
A verier ruffian I did never see,  
The sight of him almost distracted me.  
My loving husband as I here sat sowing,  
Thinking no harm or any evil knowing,  
A Gentleman came up the stairs amain,  
Crying, oh help me or I shall be slain,  
I of compassion husband (life is dear)  
Under our bed in pity hid him here,  
His foe sought for him with his rapier drawn:  
While I with tears did wash this piece of lawn,  
But when he saw he could not find him out,  
(After he tossed all my things about)  
He went down swaggering even as you met him,  
My saving the poor man so much did fret him.  
A blessed deed (quoth he) it proves thee wise,  
Alas the gentleman uneasy lies,  
Wife call him forth, I hope all danger's past,  
Good Bettris look that all the doors be fast.  
Sir you are welcome to my house I vow,  
I joy it is your Sanctuary now,  
And count myself most happy in the thing,  
That such good fortune did you hither bring,  
Sir (said the courtier) hearty thanks I give,  
I will requite your kindness if I live,  
But know not how to gratify your wife,  
For this great favour saving of my life:  
Yet Gentlewoman this assurance take,  
Some satisfaction I in part will make,  
If not in whole, accept a willing mind,  
That vows to honour all your sex and kind:  
More loving far in heart than men you be,  
Extending your affections bounteous free,  
Most affable and pitiful by nature,  
The worlds even supreme all excelling creature  
Fond men unjustly do abuse your names,  
With slanderous speeches and most false defames,  
They lie, and rail, and envies poison spit  
But those are madmen that do offer it,  
They that enjoy their wit and perfect sense,  
will hate the heart should breed a thoughts offence  
Accounting it a woman's greater honour,  
To have a senseless fool exclaim upon her,  
Farewell my life's protector, health attend thee,  
With what I have, I ever will befriend thee.   

Signieur word-monger the Ape of Eloquence.  
AS on the way I Itnerated,  
A Rural person I Obuiated,  
Interogating times Transitation,  
And of the passage Demonstration,  
My apprehension did Ingenious-scan,  
That he was merely a Simplitian:  
So when I saw he was Extravagant,  
Unto the obscure vulgar Consonant:  
I bade him vanish most Promiscuously,  
And not Contaminate my company.   

Craft cousins covetousness.  
A Greedy minded gripple Clerk,  
Had gathered store of gold,  
And studied for a place secure  
His hoardward heap to hold,  
At length into a ancient tomb,  
He put an iron chest,  
Crammed full of coin, and wrote thereon  
These words, Hic Deus est.  
A subtle Sexton seeing it,  
And greedy of the pray,  
Came very secret in the night,  
And took the gold away,  
Then blotting out those latin words,  
The Priest had writ thereon,  
Wrote Resurrexit, non est hic,  
Your God is risen and gone,   

A cowards hold challenge that was beaten with a broomstaff.  
WHereas of late thou didst provoke mine ire,  
To burn in choler like mount Aetna's fire,  
Rousing my courage forth of valour's den,  
To fight with monsters, and to combat men,  
Know I am for thee, from the cannon-shot  
Unto the smallest bodkin can be got,  
Name any weapon whatsoe'er thou wilt,  
Maypole, or ship-mast for to run a tilt,  
On horse or foot, in armour or in shirt,  
Thou shalt find me true valorous expert,  
Pikestaff and Pistol, Musket, twohand sword,  
Or any weapon Europe can afford,  
Let falchion, Pole-axe, Lance, or Halberd try,  
With Flemings-knives either to steake or snye,  
I'll meet thee naked to the very skin,  
And stab with pen-knives Caesar's wounds therein.  
At length this Gull that seemed of tongue so tall,  
Was by his adversary met withal:  
Whose blows the champion's fury did allay,  
And with a stick, his rapier took away.   

The devils health-drinker.  

WHo dares dispraise Tobacco,  
While the smoke is in my nose?  
Or say but faugh my pipe doth smell,  
I would I knew but those  
Durst offer such indignity,  
To that which I prefer,  
For all the brood of Blackamoors,  
Will swear I do not err,  
In taking this same worthy whiff  
What valiant caveleere,  
That will not make his nostril's smoke,  
At cups of wine and beer?  
When as my purse cannot afford  
My stomach flesh or fish,  
I sup with smoke and feed aswell  
And fat, as one can wish.  
Come into any company,  
Though not a cross you have,  
Yet offer them Tobacco,  
And their liquor you shall have.  
They say old hospitality  
Kept chimneys smoking still,  
Now what our chimneys want of that,  
Our smoking noses will.  
Much victuals serve, for gluttony,  
To fatten men like swine,  
But he's a frugal man indeed,  
That with a leaf can dine.  
And needs no napkin for his hands,  
His finger's ends to wipe,  
But keeps his kitchen in a box,  
And roast-meat in a pipe.  
This is the way to help dear years,  
A meal a day's enough,  
Take out Tobacco for the rest,  
By pipe or else in snuff,  
And you shall find it physical,  
Within a year will shrink so small,  
That one his guts may span,  
'tis full of physic, rare effects  
It worketh sundry ways,  
The leaf green, dry, steeped, burnt, the dust  
Have each their special praise,  
It makes some sober that are drunk,  
Some drunk of sober sense,  
And all the moisture (hurts the brain)  
It fetcheth smoking thence:  
All the four Elements unite,  
When you Tobacco take,  
For Earth and Water, air and Fire,  
Do a conjunction make,  
Your pipe is Earth, the fires therein,  
The Air your breathing smoke,  
Good liquor must be present too,  
For fear you chance to choke.  
Hear Gentlemen a health t'ee all,  
'tis passing good and strong,  
I would speak more, but from the pipe  
I cannot stay so long.   

AT Gadshill late (where men are thievish crossed)  
An honest friend, his purse with ten pounds lost,  
And as the villains, were new gone away,  
Three horsemen came, to whom the man did say  
Oh gentlemen, most happy all you be,  
To scape two thieves, even now have robed me,  
'twas great good fortune that till now you staid,  
Nay friend (qd. they) thou art deceived they said,  
The thieves were happy as the matter stands:  
For by our stay, they have escaped our hands.   

Hypocrisy, thou lying knave well met,  
I have thee Rascal in my paper net,  
Thou that wilt sell salvation for a shilling,  
And entertain thine own damnation willing,  
Thou goest about with many a lie and fable,  
To get thy diet at another's table.  
Yet lovest no man, be he small or great,  
Thy love extends no farther than his meat▪  
But villain, take this guerdon for thy higher,  
Be first of all approved a common liar,  
Then for each time thy cursed tongue hath tripped,  
Be thou from great men's houses sound whipped.  
And last of all, when God and men detest thee,  
A Hempen halter with a noose molest thee.    

A she-devil made tame by a Smith.  
A Smug of Vulcan forging trade  
Besmoaked with sea coal fire,  
The rarest man to help a horse  
That Carmen could desire,  
For any jade he physic had,  
That ever load did draw:  
The apoplexy, falling evil,  
The headache, cramp or haw,  
Poll-evill, canker in the eye,  
Or ulcer in the nose:  
The lampas, crest-fall, withers grief  
The navill-gall: all those  
with divers tedious to rehearse,  
Crowne-scab, and quitterbone  
Strangulion, glanders, yellows, worms,  
Smug would give ground to none,  
Yet this rare smith to cure one plague  
That vexed him, was too young,  
(Which made him weary of his life)  
It was his wives cursed tongue.  
If to the ale house he had gone,  
To take or give a pot,  
Being of a dry complexion,  
(For a Smith you know is hot)  
His wife was present at his heels,  
And rung him out this peal:  
Rogue, rascal, villain, thief, & slave,  
(Her alms thus would she deal)  
Come home thou drunkard to thy work,  
Each knave hath thee at beck,  
A pox take such a husband,  
And the Devil break thy neck:  
Thou sittest at the alehouse here,  
While I at home do spare:  
Not caring so thy guts be full,  
How thy poor wife doth far.  
Thy servants do even what they list,  
Thy children they may starve,  
hang's to good for such a rogue,  
far worse thou dost deserve,  
Out filthy beast I loathe thy looks,  
And hate thee like a toad:  
Drunk ev'ry day ungodly wretch,  
And when thou hast thy load,  
Call for Tobacco, that thou art  
As black within as soot:  
Before the Lord, were't not for shame,  
I'd stamp thee under foot:  
Get thee to work: out villain out,  
Thou drinkst not one drop more,  
I would these whores that trust such knaves,  
Might ne'er be paid their score,  
They never knew what sorrow meant,  
But griefs to others give,  
A mischief light on Hostesses,  
That do by drunkards live.  
This was her daily kindest phrase,  
From morning until night,  
That Smug would tremble like a leaf,  
When she appeared in sight.  
At length more wearied with her tongue,  
Then travel tires a jade,  
Unto himself most resolute,  
A cruel vow he made,  
Which was, when she did scold again,  
(Which sure would be next morrow)  
To knock her down most valiantly,  
And make an end of sorrow,  
This being decreed, his wife next day  
Gins a fresh alarm,  
With rogue and thief: Smug takes a bar  
Of Iron, breaks her arm.  
The neighbours all admire at this,  
To hear the patiented Smith,  
Had broke an arm of his cursed wife,  
To tame her tongue therewith.  
Well there's a surgeon fetched in haste,  
To take the quean in cure,  
Who for the space of many months  
Did extreme pain endure  
For of all flesh, ash rows, they say,  
Is very hard to heal:  
Therefore no wiseman willingly  
Will have therewith to deal.  
But cured at length (though long before)  
And like to cost her life,  
The Smith did ask the Surgeon,  
In the hearing of his wife,  
What would content him for his pains?  
Who of an honest mind,  
Did answer thus, I see y'are poor,  
Therefore I'll use you kind,  
I'll take but forty shillings friend,  
With that I'll be content:  
Why then quoth Smug hold here's four pound  
Which payment thus is meant,  
One arm I pay for hath been broke,  
And other forty, hold  
Against I break her other arm,  
The next time she doth scold.  
His wife hears this, and sees him pay  
Before hand for a cure,  
Doth live most gentle, quiet, meek,  
Guiding her tongue so sure,  
That Smug became a happy Smith,  
Unto his hearts desire,  
And had her ever at command,  
In all he could require.   

The knave of Clubs his part hath played,  
But now we want heart, Diamond, Spade,  
To show themselves like in true shape.  
The reason why they do escape  
Is this: of late they fell at jar,  
Dispersed asunder very far,  
Hearts in the country at newcut,  
And Spades in newgate safe is shut  
And Diamonds he is gone to seas,  
Sick of the scurvy: which disease  
If he escape, and get on shore,  
We will present you with all four,  
And make them march unto the press,  
To utter all their roguishnes,  
So till they be together drawn,  
Pray keep the Knave of Clubs in pawn.   
FINIS.