A Description of Time: Applied 〈◊〉 this present Time.  
With Time's merry Orders to be observed.  
Men do blame Time, while they their Time do spend  
Unto no purpose, or to a bad end.  
LONDON: Printed by I. O. for Francis Gr●ve, and are to be sold at his Shop on Snow Hill, near the Saracens head. 1638.   

THE DESCRIPTION of Time: Applied to this present Time.  
WHereas Time hath seen much vanity, which is all laid upon Times old Shoulders, and whereas Time's ears have been tired with Tales of Cocks and bulls, lying, swearing, and complementing, scoffs, and jeers, while one cries, O Times! O Manners! another says, What Times are these? another sings no other song but, Here's an Age would make a man mad: Time therefore to clear himself, and to show that the World is deceived in laying the blame of all matters upon Times back, hath here set down his abuses, and certain merry orders to be observed, that so the World may not grudge at the present Time, nor Time be offended with the vice and vanity of the World, but both live merrily, according to these orders following.  
O Mortals! why do you complain of Time?  
Read here my grief and wrongs in every line.  
You oftentimes do wish that I would stay,  
When you are at the Alehouse, or at play:  
But never think that Time with his sharp scythe,  
Mows down by hours and days your mortal life.  
And when you commit any wickedness,  
And thereby bring yourselves to great distress,  
Then with poor Time you presently are mad,  
And think me evil because you are bad.  
What should Time do, if he should strive to please  
All those who are sick of a mad disease?  
And are so discontented with old Time,  
Who quietly doth run through every Sign.  
For if that he would get the Landlords praise,  
Then he must turn himself to Quarter-days:  
Or if the Tenant's curses he would shun,  
Then he must make the Quarter slowly come:  
If he would please the Virgin, he must bring  
A Suitor to her in her youthful Spring:  
If he would please the Old man, he must stay  
His Hourglass, and his hour of Death delay:  
Or if he would the Citizens love earn,  
Then he must add to the year a fifth Term.  
One says that Time is now grown very hard,  
And that his gates against the poor are barred:  
Another says, it is a wanton Time,  
When men are only guilty of that crime.  
For Time is much ashamed by Day and Night,  
To see such sights as do him much affright,  
And make his old grey Forelock stand on end,  
To see how some do prodigally spend  
Their precious hours in drinking and in swearing,  
Making a show, and to the world appearing  
Brave Gallants, who are only outward shapes  
Of Gentlemen, or rather but their Apes.  
For they esteem that Virtue cannot be  
The formal cause of true Gentility,  
Or that poor undiscerned Virtue can  
Give only being to a Gentleman.  
But let them pass; they that do thus abuse  
Poor Time, shall want Time, which they scorn to use.  
And in a word, most men their Time do spend  
Unto no purpose, or to a bad end.  

Time's Orders to be observed.  
FIrst, let no Woman presume to paint her face, that hath beauty enough of her own; for though she have colour for her cheek, yet she shall have none for her immodesty; then Times cheek will look fresh and lively.  
Let Tailors never cozen Gentlem●n in their Suits by the Custom of London nor take up more than will serve, conspiring with the Mercer to gull the Gentry: Let them never make any l●●se bodied gowns for Women, so that they can never hold their own. Let them never sow any garments in such hasty manner, that the seams are presently all unripped, let them never put in bad linings into any Suit, and keep the other for themselves. And lastly, let them never with long Bills assault and set upon Gentlemen: these Orders being observed, the hands of Time will not be guilty of so much théeving and stealing.  
Let Hosts & Hostesses, & all Uictuallers give nor afford any more drink, either Wine, or Beer, or Ale, than will moderately suffice their guests: let them not like briers and bushes, hang about their arms, and make them stay when they would been gone, or are indeed gone already. Let them remember to fill their Pots, and suffer no Drunkard to spend that in one hour or Day, which should maintain him, and (perhaps) his Wife and Children all the Week. These Orders being observed, Hosts and Hostesses shall live honestly, Tradesmen shall live thriftily, and Time shall be counted no Drunkard.  
Also it is ordered by Time, that he that spends money before he hath it, shall be counted a forward fellow, and a cunning man; but because women are like this year to have tender eyes, therefore they shall have mourning Gowns made with great sleeves, that they may mourn for their Husband's decease in their Gowns, and laugh in their sleeves.  
Moreover, it is ordained, that if any men have a red Nose between this and july, they shall forfeit all the shoes in their shops; but if his wife be a scold, than the case is altered, for he may go to the Alehouse by the privilege of bad Husbands. Also if any one drink more than will do him good, it is ordained by Time, that 〈◊〉 morning his head shall be cut off, and set up for the Sign of the Fox and Goose. for by this means the Drunkards in these Times will be fewer.  
Besides, it is decreed and ordained, that if Husbands and their Wives fall out about cutting of a leg of Mutton, before they have eat the Porridge, that then the Grey Mare is the better Horse: but yet to the terror of all scolding tongues, all scold● shall be forced to eat hot Porridge, till they cool the fury of their tongues; and when they will not be ruled by reason, some wives shall be ducked upon a Featherbed, and made quiet thereby, and so the ears of Time shall not be disquieted with the noise of scolding in the streets.  
Furthermore, it is ordained, that Oyster, wives, and the other criers of commodities, shall get an Art to cry softly; & that men shall never talk any thing of their Neighbour, but that which is good; and that scraping of ●renchers, and the babbling of fools shall he silenced: Also Sextons shall invent a new way to ring Bell● without making any noise: smith's 〈◊〉 viles shall be lined with Cushions, Roarer●● shall grow hoarse for want of money▪ Scolds (as I said) shall grow tongue tied, Carts and Coach-wheels shall be lined with Bombast, & order shall be taken with Watermens▪ that they shall not make such a bawling; Prentices in a Termtime shall not dare to cry, What lack you? but shall fall asleep upon their Shop-books, and generally, all noises shall be put down, and silenced, whereby the ears of Time are offended: as most especially, all drunkes quarrelling and prating in Alehouses, and singing of Catches when they be more than half asleep: Also Cooper's shall h●●pe the●● Tubs and Uessels in Cellars, and not in the Stréets, and all other violent sounds and noises, as barking of Curs, winding up of jacks, squeaking of Cats, the humming noises of Muskets, withal the Thunders in the lower Regiment of the belly, and the baiting of the Bears, are all forbidden, as troublesome and offensive to Time's ears.  
Also, because Time's eyes are grown old and sender, therefore it shall be ordained, that none shall have more money than wit, for that is offensive to Time; neither shall any wear new brade clothes that are not paid for nor presume to justle the wall when he is drunk, nor to reel afterward into the kennel. Also for a Woman to break her Husband's Coxcomb with Ladle, shall be a fight-very displeasing to Time: also the strange Fashions which are every day invented, shall be quite forgotten, and young men shall not strive to have Beards before their Time, nor shall Dogs presume to run away with shoulders of Mutton out of Rich men's houses: Fools shall not ride upon wise men's backs, nor make Asses of them; Servingmen shall not wear Cloaks for their knavery, young Wenches shall not look green at Fifteen for want of Husbands: all Tobacco-pipes shall be broken, and Joan Slattergood shall buy new Stockings, for Time is much distasted to see her hose broken above the shoe: also all courting of Maids in the dark, with whispering them in the ear, and other silent temptations shall be quite abolished: Bread shall béee made of a just size and quantity, although the Baker be not taught to see to make it weight, by looking through a wooden window▪ And to conclude, Owls shall fly in the Night, Measures shall be made right and just, Red Noses shall grow pale, bald crowns be covered with Periwigs, Wenches shall never walk in their dreams stark naked fools shall not fear for want of Wit, Beggars shall not ride while wise men go on foot: Chandelers shall not cut small pennyworths of Cheese, Cobblers shall not dare to play the Cooks, and lick their thumbs; Meat shall not be roasted without a fire, and Chambers shall never be kept clean without sweeping and washing, for these sights are displeasing to Time.  
Moreover, because Time is out of T●st●, and distastes many things, therefore he hath ordained, that poor men and prisoners shall never make great sumptuous Feasts▪ and also, men shall not pay more for their saws than for their meat, which hath been an old custom time out of mind. Besides, it is ordained, that Mustard and Hartichoaks, or clouted Cream and Vinegar shall never be served up together; also a Table without meat shall be counted no Dinner, & it shall be lawful to rise from thence without giving thanks; also for any man to choke himself with drinking good ●ack, shall be very distasteful to the palate of Time: and beside, Time allows none to eat good cheer, but such as have money to buy it. No Tarts shall be made of Iéeres and scoffs, nor such as have Rheumatic Noses, shall make no Puddings; nor shall any fat wench make Butter in Summer: beside, Carp, and Pouts, and Rails, with Crabs for an after course, shall not be served up at any married man's Table, notshal an old shoe-sole, though it be mined, and buttered, and dressed after the French fashion, ever make any good meats: And also Time hath thought good, that buttered Ling without Eggs, shall not be so good meat as with Eggs; nor a Calves h●●d without Bacon, as good as with Bacon; also there shall be very little savour in the white of an egg, nor in any thing else without Salt, for that will savour all things except ill words, or the folly of a Foole. Besides, no man shall presume to taste very hot broth for fear he burn his mouth; nor to eat a dozen of new Cakes without drink, for fear he choke himself. And in general, all working days and fasting days, furmity that is burnt to, conserveses of roast Beef, all sauciness in Boys, all Vinegar virtuous admonitions, and Wormwood words, and more especially swallowing down knavery, without troubling the stomach of Conscience, is distasteful to Times taste.  
And moreover, Footmen shall be compelled to change their Socks twice a day, or else not to come in their Lady's presence. Besides, Fishwives shall not 〈◊〉 new Fish, when it is ready to stink●▪ for that is abominable in the nose of Time. And moreover, it shall be accounted better to have a sweet breath, than to wear sweet powders and Musk about them. Also the smell of Mace shall be very dangerous, especially about the Counter, and the smell of a great Feast shall never fill a man's belly.  
It is ordained also, that the smell of Sir Ajax breath against rainy weather, and the sent of More-ditch in Summer, shall be very distasteful to Time's Nose: all h●st is words also shall make Time take Pepper in the nose, and therefore hot stomaches shall eat great store of Sage to cool their fury. Also knavery, hidden under shows of honesty, if discerned; shall smell rank, and be very distasteful to Time's nose; and also compliments being perfumed & sweetened with dissimulation, shall be soon disliked. Moreover, Water that is pure and clear, shall be thought to have no smell; but good Sack shall make Time's nose look Sunburnt. Also the smell of Money shall be counted very savoury, according to the old Proverb, Bonus lucri odor ex re qualibet: The smell of gain is sweet, though from a jakes. Lastly, the smell of the snuff of a Candle, the burning of Woollen in the fire, a Chamber-pot full of stale Urine the cunning of Hostesses, the knavery of Ostlers, and generally, all false dealing and corruption shall be very distasteful to Time's nose.  
Also, because Time is old, and stark bald behind, therefore it shall be no offence for such as have had wits, to bring forth bald conceits: and because Time is old, (as I said) in his last declining Age, therefore it shall be lawful for old men to dye in good age, and while they live, to be honoured before young Gallants, by the privilege of Time and Seniority.  
Moreover, because Time's wit and judgement cannot choose but be very crazy, after so many years grief and trouble, therefore it is ordained, that Wit shall run a woolgathering, to make a Nightcap for him; and that he shall never be made any Officer or Watchman. And beside, Time hath ordained, that he that can keep his fingers out of the fire, shall be counted a wise Man, and she that can rea●● eggs well, a cunning woman; but if any Ass presume to put on a Gown, he shall be apprehended for a counterfeit Philosopher.  
It is ordained also, that Fools shall aggree very well together; and he that can tell an hundred pound of his own Money, shall be counted a skilfuller Man than he that can cast up great sums in figures. And to conclude, to see Geese cackle, and talk Greek, to hear Asses make Orations in strange Languages, to hear Cuckoos sing several Tunes, to see Young men have more money than manners, to see Roots worn for Nightcappes, and Hats for Shoes, and to tell a Tale to a Mare, shall be all displeasing to Times wit. Also, to hear a Morris Da●ce commended for an excellent Mask, or Crabs for very good Pippins, or that the Powder of a Post, is better than Sugar to sweeten Wine: These are all distasteful to Time's judgement.  
Therefore it is ordained, that money shall be preferred before desert, by the principal judgements, and that a Calf's head and Bacon shall be esteemed a better Dish of meat, than Ling without Oil and Mustard; a foul stable shall be judged better for a tired horse than a fair way: but between Knavery, Dishonesty, and Baseness, there shall be little difference in Time's judgement.  
And moreover, because Time is generally hated and every one desires his Room rather than his Company: Therefore it is ordained, that Young fellows that spend their time wastefully, shall be very Asses in their Age; and that Powdered Beef shall be sometimes not mollified, or softened by ten of Clock, because they let time pass away unregarded. Also old Maids shall despair of Husbands, and all because they let Time pass away unregarded; and so shall such as frequent Alehouses be adjudged to go in old clothes, because they did not make use of, nor respect Time.  
And because Time hath been much abused by Drinking, therefore it is ordained, that some shall be carried to the Counter before they have Time to pay their Debts, or compound with their Hostess; and beside, he that takes up commodities upon Times back, shall be found to pay for them over Time's Shoulders.  
Also it is ordained▪ that men shall waste upon Time and Tide, and Puddings and Pies shall be dough backed, if they be not set in the Oven in Time.  
And likewise Time doth ordain, that he which sleepeth till ten of Clock, that he will be so offended with him, that he shall never rise early in a Morning: And whereas Time did use to make young Wenches ripe and ready for Husbands at fifteen years of age, now they shall stay till twenty five, if they have not Portions: Moreover, tho●e that shell Pease in Summer, and can do nothing else, may freely play three quarters of the Year; and such as dress themselves only against Dinnertime, shall be counted no early rising Huswives; and Beer shall grow ripe with Time, but Ale shall be transformed into Vinegar.  
Moreover, it is the pleasure of Time, that all Bills and Bonds bearing no Date, shall be paid in the year One Thousand six Hundred and never. And because Young men should be wary and thrifty, (as it becometh them so to be) therefore such as waste their Time, in following vain and idle pleasures, are ordained to Beggars, by a Statute that was made in the Year One thousand four hundred and seven.  
And also to prevent all inconveniences arising by the neglect of Time. it is ordained, that Prodigals shall have more wit than money, and that the stealing of a nap upon an Alebench, shall be counted a Felony against Time; and that Feather, beds shall be made hard, being stuffed with Cotten of Care, that men may turn twenty times before they can sleep, or take any rest: And also Tobacco, a great waster of Time, shall be made to smoke wheresoever he is found: Ringing also of Bells shall not be held so necessary as ringing of clothes, and such like.  
And lastly, Time ordains, that Drinking until Midnight, sleeping until Noon, dressing until Dinnertime, Starching on Sundays, working on Holy days, tedious trim at the Barbers, following costly Su●tes in Law, also for young Maids to lie a Bed and spoil their beauty or complexion, and long at Dinner, and sleeping by the Fireside in the Wintertime, also all extreme laughing and quaffing, with many other kinds of ill living, shall be distasteful to Time.  
To give you Counsel thus, Time thinks— it best,  
And teach you truth, although it be in jest:  
For he that will not counsel take from Time,  
That he will ner●e be wise it is a Sign.   
FINIS.