A Right Pithy, Pleasant and merry Comedy: entituled Gammer Gurton's Needle: Played on Stage, not long ago in Christ's College in Cambridge. Made by Mr S. Mr. of Art. imprinted at London in Fleetstreet beneath the Conduit at the sign of S. john Evangelist by Thomas Colwell. ¶ The names of the Speakers in this Comedy. ¶ Diccon the Bedlam. ¶ Hodge Gammer Gurton's servant. ¶ Tib Gammer Gurton's maid. ¶ Gammer Gurton. ¶ Dock Gammer Gurton's boy. ¶ Dame Chat, ¶ Doctor Rat the Curate. ¶ Master bailiee. ¶ Doll Dame Chattels maid. ¶ scapethrift Mast. bailey's servant. ¶ Mutes. ¶ God Save the Queen. ¶ The Prologue. AS Gammer Gurton, with many a wide stitch Sat pesynge & patching of Hodge her man's briche By chance or misfortune as she's her gear tossed In Hodge leather breeches her needle she lost, When Diccon the bedlam had hear by report That good Gammer Gurton was robbed in this sort, He quietly persuaded with her in that stound Dame Chat her dear gossip this needle had found, Yet knew she no more of this matter (alas) Then knoweth Tom our clerk what the Priest saith at mass hereof there ensued so fearful a fray, Mass Doctor was sent for these gossips to stay, Because he was Curate, and esteemed full wise Who found that he sought not, by Diccon's device, When all things were tumbled and clean out of fashion Whether it were by fortune, or some other constellation Suddenly the needle Hodge found by the pricking And drew it out of his buttock where he felt it sticking Their hearts then at rest with perfect security, With a pot of good nail they stroke up their plaudite. ¶ The first Act. The first Scene. ¶ Diccon. Diccon MAny a mile have I walked, divers and sundry ways And many a good man's house have I been at in my days Many a gossip's cup in my time have I tasted And many a brooch and spit, have I both turned and basted Many a piece of bacon have I had out of their balks In running over the country, with long and were walks, Yet came my foot never, within those door cheeks, To seek flesh or fish, Garlic, Onions or Leeks. That ever I saw a sort, in such a plight As here within this house appeareth to my sight, There is howling and scowling, all cast in adump, With whewling and puling, as though they had lost a trump Sighing and sobbing, they weep and they wail I marvel in my mind, what the devil they ail The old Trot sits groaning, with alas and alas, And Tib wrings her hands, and takes on in worse case With poor Cock their boy, they be driven in such fits I fear me the folks be not well in their wits, Ask them what they ail, or who brought them in this stay? They answer not at all, but alack and wellaway When I saw it booted not, out at doors I hied me And caught a slip of Bacon, when I saw that none spied me, Which I intend not far hence, unless my purpose fail Shall serve for a shoeing-horn to draw on two pots of ale. ¶ The first Art. The second Scene. Hodge. Diccon. Hodge SEe so cham arrayed with dabbling in the dirt She that set me to ditching, ich would she had the squirt Was never poor soul that such a life had? gog's bones this filthy glaye hase dressed me to bad God's soul, see how this stuff tears Iche were better to be a Bearward and set to keep Bears By the Mass here is a gash, a shameful hole indeed And one stitch tear further, a man may thrust in his head. Diccon ¶ By my father's soul Hodge, if I should now be sworn I can not choose but say thy breech is foul be torn, But the next remedy in such a case and hap Is to planch on a piece, as broad as thy cap. Hodge ¶ gog's soul man, 'tis not yet two days fully ended Since my dame Gurton (them sure) these breeches amended, But cham made suce a drudge to trudge at every need I'll rend it though it were stitched what sturdy packthread, Diccon ¶ Hoge, let thy breeches go, and speak and tell me soon What devil aileth gammer gurton, & Tib her maid to frown, Hodge ¶ Tush man thart deceived, 'tis their daily look, They coure so over the coals, their eyes be bleared with smoke, Diccon ¶ Nay by the mass, I perfectly perceived as I came hither That either Tib & her dame hath been by the cares together Or else as great a matter as thou shalt shortly see. Hodge ¶ Now iche besceche our Lord they never better agree. Diccon ¶ By gog's soul there they sit as still as stones in the straight As though they had been taken with fairies or else with some ill sprite Hodge ¶ gog's heart, I durst have laid my cap to a crown Chwould learn of some prancome as soon as ich came to town. Diccon ¶ Why Hodge art thou inspired? or didst thou thereof here? Hodge ¶ Nay, but ich saw such a wonder as ich saw not this. vii. year Tom tankard's Cow (be gog's bones) she set me up her sail And flinging about his half acre frisking with her tail, As though there had been in her arse a swarm of Bees, And chad not cried tphrowh hoore, shed leapt out of his Lees. Diccon ¶ Why hodge lies the cunning in Tom tankards cows tail? Hodge ¶ Well ich chave heard some say such tokens do not fail, But cast thou not till in faith Diccon, why she frowns or where at Hath no man stolen her Ducks or Hens, or gelded gyb her Cat Diccon ¶ What devil can I tell man, I could not have one word They gave no more heed to my talk than thou wouldst to a lord Hodge ¶ Iche can not still but muse, what marvelous thing it is Chill in and know myself what matters are amiss. Diccon. ¶ Then farewell hodge a while, since thou dost inward haste, For I will into the good wife Chats, to feel how the ale doth taste. ¶ The first Acre. The third Scene. ¶ Hodge. Tyb. Hodge Cham aghast by the mass, ich wot not what to do Chad need bless me well before ich go them to Perchance some felon spirit may haunt our house indeed, And then chwere but at noddy to venture where cha no need Tib, ¶ Cham worse than mad by the mass to be at this stay Cham chid, cham blamed, and beat on all th'hours on the day, Lamed and hunger starved, pricked up all in jags Having no patch to hide my back, save a few rotten rags. Hodge ¶ I say Tib, if thou be Tib, as I trow sure thou be, What devil make ado is this, between our dame and thee. Tyb. ¶ gog's bread hodge thou had a good turn thou wert not here this while. It had been better for some of us to have been hence a mile My Gammer is so out of course, and frantic all at once That cock our boy, I poor wench, have felt it on our bones. Hodge ¶; What is the matter, say on Tib whereat she taketh so on. Tyb. ¶ She is undone she sayth (alas,) her joy and life is gone If she here not of some comfort, she is sayth but dead Shall never come within her lips, one inch of meat x bread. Hodge ¶ By'r lady cham not very glad, to see her in this dump Chold a noble her stole hath fallen, & she hath broke her rump Tyb. ¶ Nay and that were the worst, we would not greatly care For bursting of her huckle bone, or breaking of her Chair, But greater, greater, is her grief, as hodge we shall all feel. Hodge ¶ gog's wounds Tib, my gammer has never lost her Needle? Tyb. ¶ Her Needle. Hodge ¶ Her Needle? Tyb, ¶ Her needle by him that made me, it is true Hodge I tell thee. Hodge ¶ gog's sacrament, I would she had lost, thart out of her belly The Devil or else his dame, they ought her sure a shame How a murrion came this chance, (say Tib) unto our dame? Tyb ¶ My gammer sat her down on her pes, & had me reach thy breeches And by & by, a vengeance in it or she had take two stitches To clap a clout upon thine arse, by chance a side she leers And gyb our cat in the milk pan, she spied over head and ears Ah hoar, out these, she cried aloud, & swapped the breeches down Up went her staff, and out leapt gyb, at doors into the town And since that time was never wight, cold set their eyes upon it gog's malison chave Cock and I, bid twenty times light on it. Hodge ¶ And is not then my breeches sewn up, to morrow that I should wear Tyb ¶ No in faith hodge thy breeches lie for al this never the near. Hodge ¶ Now a vengeance light on all the sort, that better should have kept it, The cat, the house, and tib our maid, that better should have swept it see where we cometh crawling, come on in twenty devils way Ye have made a fair days work, have you not? pray you say. ¶ The first Act. The iv. Scene. ¶ Gammer. Hodge. Tyb. cock. Gammer ALas hog, alas. I may well curse and ban This day that ever I saw it, with gyb and the milk pan For these and ill luck to gather, as knoweth cock my boy Have stack away my dear needle, and robbed me of my love My fair long straight needle that was mine only treasure The first day of my sorrow is, and last end of my pleasure. Hodge ¶ Might ha' kept it when ye had it, but fools will be fools still. Lose that is vast in your hands, ye need not but ye will. Gammer ¶ Go hie thee tib, and run thou hoore, to th'end here of the town Didst carry out dust in thy lap seek where thou porest it down And as thou sawest me roking, in the ashes where I mourned So see in all the heap of dust, thou leave no straw unturned. Tyb ¶ That chal gammer swith and tyte, and soon be here again, Gammer ¶ Tib stoop & look down to the ground to it, & take some pain. Hodge ¶ Here is a pretty matter, to see this gear how it goes By gog's soul I thank you would loes your arse, and it were loose Your needle lost, it is pity you should lack care and endless sorrow gog's death how shall my breeches be sewed, shall I go thus to morrow Gammer ¶ Ah hodge, hodge, if that ich could find my needle by the reed Chould sow thy breeches ich promise thee, with full good double thread And set a patch on either knee, should last this months twain Now god & good Saint sith I pray, to send it home again. Hodge ¶ Whereto served your hands & eyes, but this your needle to keep What devil had you else to do ye kept ich wot no sheep Cham fain a broad to dig and delve, in water, mire and clay Sossing and possing in the dirt, still from day to day A hundred things that be abroad, cham set to see them we'll And four of you sit idle at home, and can not keep a needle. Gammer ¶ My needle alas ich lost it hodge, what time ich me up hasted To save the milk set up for thee, which gib our cat hath wasted Hodge ¶ The Devil he burst both gib, and Tyb, with all the rest Cham always sure of the worst end, whoever have the best Where ha' you been fidging abroad, since you your needle lost Gammer ¶ Within the house, and at the door, sitting by this same post Where I was looking a long hour, before these folks came here, But wellaway, all was in vain, my needle is never the near. Hodge ¶ Set me a candle let me seek and grope wherever it be gog's heart ye be so foolish (ich think) you know it not when you it see Gammer ¶ Come hither Cock, what Cock I say. cock. ¶ How Gammer. Gammer ¶ go high thee soon, and grope behind the old brass pan, Which thing when thou hast done There shalt thou find an old shoe, where in if thou look well Thou shalt find lying an inch of a white tallow candle, Light it, and bring it right away. cock. ¶ That shallbe done anon. Gammer ¶ Nay tarry hodge till thou hast light, and then we'll seek each one. Hodge ¶ Come away ye whoreson boy, are ye asleep: ye must have a crier. cock. ¶ Ich cannot get the candle light here is almost no fire. Hodge ¶ chil hold the a penny chil make that come if that ich may catch thine ears Art deaf thou whoreson boy cock I say, why canst not hears. Gammer ¶ Beat him not Hodge but help the boy and come you two together. ¶ The i. Act. The v. Scene. ¶ Gammer. ¶ Tyb, ¶ Cock. ¶ Hodge. Gammer HOw now Tib, quick let's here, what news thou hast brought hither. Tyb. ¶ Chaveave tossed and tumbled yonder heap our & over again And winnowed it through my fingers, as men would winnow grain Not so much as a hen's turd but in pieces I tore it Or whatsoever clod or clay I found, I did not spare it Looking within and eke without, to find your needle (alas) But all in vain and without help, your needle is where it was. Gammer ¶ Alas my needle we shall never meet, adieu, adieu for aye. Tyb. ¶ Not so gammer, we might it find if we knew where it lay. cock. ¶ gog's cross Gammer if ye will laugh look in but at the door And see how hodge lieth tumbling and tossing amids the flower Raking there some fair to find among the ashes dead Where there is not one spark, so big as a pin's head, At last in a dark corner two sparks he thought he sees Which where indeed nought else but Gyb our cats two eyes Puff quoth hodge thinking thereby to have fire without doubt With that Gyb shut her two eyes, & so the fire was out And by and by them opened, even as they were before, With that the sparks appeared even as they had done of yore, And even as hodge blew the fire as he did think Gyb as she felt the blast straight way began to wink, Till Hodge fell of swearing, as came best to his turn, The fire was sure bewitched, and therefore would not burn: At last Gyb up the slayers, among the old posts and pings, And Hodge he hied him after till broke were both his shins: Cursing and swearing oaths, were never of his making, That Gyb would fire the house, if that she were not taken. Gammer ¶ See here is all the thought that the foolish urchin taketh, And Lyb methink at his elbow almost as merry maketh This is all the wit ye have when others make their moan, Come down Hodge, where art thou and let the Cat alone. Hodge ¶ gog's heart, help and come up, Gyb in her tail hath fire. And is like to burn all if she's get a little hire: come down (quoth you,) nay then you might count me a patch, The soul cometh down on your heads if it take once that thatch. Gammer ¶ It is the cat's eyes fool that shineth in the dark. Hodge ¶ Hath the Cat do you think in every eye a spark. Gamer ¶ No, but they shine as like fire as ever man see. Hodge ¶ By the mass and she burn all, you sh'sh bear the blame for me Gammer ¶ Come down & help to seek here our needle that it were found down Tyb on the knees I say, down cock to the ground. to God I make a vow, and so to good Saint Anne 'a candle shall they have a piece, get it where I can, It I may my needle find in one place or in other. Hodge ¶ Now a vengeance on gib light, on gyb and gybs mother And all the generation of Cats both far and near Look on the ground whoreson thinks thou the needle is here. cock. ¶ By my troth gammer methought your needle here I saw But when my fingers touched it, I felt it was a straw. Tyb ¶ See Hodge what's 'tis, may it not be within it, Hodge ¶ Break it fool with thy hand and see and thou canst find it. Tyb ¶ Nay break it you Hodge according to your word. Hodge ¶ Gogs sides, fie it stinks: it is a cat's turd, it were well done to make thee ere it by the mass. Gammer ¶ This matter amendeth not my needle is still where it was Our candle is at an end let us all in quite and come another time, when we have more light The ii. Act. first a Song. ¶ Back and side go bare, go bare, booth foot and hand go cold: But Belly god send thee good ale enough, whether it be new or old. I Can not eat, but little meat, my stomach is not good: But sure I think, that I can drink with him that wears a hood. Though I go bare, take ye no care, I am nothing acold: I stuff my skill, so full within, of jolly good Ale and old. Back and side go bare, go bare, booth foot and hand go cold: But belly god send the good ale enough whether it be new or old. I love no roast, but a nut brown toast and a Crab laid in the fire, A little bread, shall do me stead much bread I not desire: No frost nor snow, no wind I trow can hurt me if I would, I am so wrapped, and thoroughly leapt of jolly good ale and old. Back and side go bare. etc. And Tib my wife, that as her life loveth well good ale to seek, Full oft drinks she, till ye may see the tears run down her cheeks: Then doth she troll, to me the bowl even as a malt worm should, And sayth sweet heart, I took my part of this jolly good ale and old. Back and side go bare. etc. Now let them drink, till they nod and wink, even as good fellows should do They shall not miss, to have the bliss, good ale doth bring men to: And all poor souls that have scoured bouls or have them lustily trolled, God save the lives, of them and their wives whether they be young or old. back and side go bare. etc. The first Scene. ¶ Diccon. Hodge. Diccon WEll done be gog's malt, well song and well said, Come on mother Chat as thou art true maid, One fresh pot of ale let's see to make an end Against this cold wether my naked arms to defend, This gear it warms the soul, now wind blow on the worst, And let us drink and swill, till that our bellies burst Now were he a wise man, by cunning cold define Which way my journey lieth or where Dyccon will dine But one good turn I have, be it by night or day South, East, North or west, I am never out of my way. Hodge ¶ Chym goodly rewarded, cham I not, do you think? Chad a goodly dinner for all my sweat and swink, Neither butter cheese, milk onions flesh nor fish Save this poor piece of barley bread, 'tis a pleasant costly dish. Diccon ¶ Hail fellow Hodge & will to face, with thy meat, if thou have any! But by thy words as I then smelled, thy daintrels be not many. Hodge ¶ Daintrels diccon (gog's soul man (save this piece of dry horsebread, Cha bit no bit this live long day, no crome come in my head My guts they yawl crawl and all my belly rumbleth The puddings can not lie still, each one over other tumbleth By gog's heart cham so verte, and in my belly pend Chould one piece were at the spittlehouse another at the castles end. Diccon ¶ Why hodge, was there none at home thy dinner for to set: Hodge ¶ Godgs bread Diccon ich came too late, was nothing there to get Gib (a foul fiend might on her light (licked the milk pan so clean See Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this vii year as ich were A pestilence light on all ill luck, chad thought yet for all this Of a morsel of bacon behind the door at worst should not miss, But when ich sought a slip to cut, as ich was wont to do gog's soul Diccon, gyb our Cat had eat the bacon to. Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before. Diccon ¶ Ill luck quoth he, marry swear it hodge, this day the truth to tell Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blessed thee not well. Thy milk slopped up, thy bacon filched, that was to bad luck hodge. Hodge ¶ Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault, my gammer game the dogded Seest not how cham rent & torn, my heels, my knees & my breech Chad thought as ich sat by the fire, help here & there a stitch, But there ich was powpte indeed. Diccon ¶ Why Hodge? Hodge ¶ Boots not man to tell, Cham so dressed amongst a sort of fools, chad better be in hell, My gammer (cham ashamed to say) by god served me not we'll Diccon ¶ How so Hodge? Hodge ¶ Hase she not gone trowest now and lost her needle. Diccon ¶ Her Eel Hodge, who fished of late? that was a dainty dish. Hodge ¶ Tush tush, her needle, her needle, her needle man. ('tis neither flesh nor fish. A little thing with an hole in the end, as bright as any seller, Small, long, sharp at the point, & straight as any pillar. Diccon ¶ I know not what a devil thou meanest, thou bringst me more in doubt Hodge ¶ Knowest not with what tom tailors man, fits broaching through a clout A needle, needle, a needle, my gammer's needle is gone. Diccon ¶ Her needle Hodge, now I smell thee, that was a chance alone, By the mass thou hadst a shameful loss, & it were but for that 〈◊〉 Hodge ¶ gog's soul man chould give a crown chad it but iii. stitches. Diccon ¶ How sayest thou hodge, what should he have, again thy nedle got Hodge ¶ Gem vathers soul, and chad it chould give him a new grot. Diccon ¶ Canst thou keep counsel in this case. Hodge ¶ Else chwold my thong were out. Diccon ¶ Do than but then by my advise, & I will fetch it without doubt, Hodge ¶ Chill run, chill ride, chill dig, chill delve, (Chill toil, chill trudge shalt see: Chill hold chil draw, chil pull, chill pinch (Chill kneel on my bare knee. Chill scrape, chill scratch, chill sift, chill seek, (Chill bow, chill bend, chill sweat. Chil stoop, chil stur, chil cap chil kneel, chil creep on hands & feet, Chil be thy bondman Diccon, ich swear by sun and moon And channot sum what to stop this gap, cham utterly undone Pointing behind to his torn breeches. Diccon ¶ Why, is there any special cause, thou takest hereat such sorrow Hodge ¶ Kirstian Clack Tom Simson's maid, by the mass comes hither to morrow Cham not able to say, between us what may hap, She smiled on me the last Sunday when ich put of my cap, Diccon ¶ Well Hodge this is a matter of weight, & must be kept close, It might else turn to both our costs as the world now goose, Shalt swore to be no blab Hodge. Hodge ¶ chill Diccon. Diccon ¶ Then go to, Lay thine hand here, say after me as thou shalt hear me do Haste no book? Hodge ¶ Cha no book I. Diccon ¶ Then needs must force us both, Upon my breech to lay thine hand, and there to take thine oath. Hodge ¶ I Hodge breathless, Swear to Diccon reckless By the cross that I shall kiss, To keep his counsel close And always me to dispose To work that his pleasure is. ¶ Here he kisseth Diccons breech. Diccon. ¶ Now Hodge see thou take heed And do as I thee bid For so I judge it meet, This nedle again to win There is no shift therein But conjure up a spirit. Hodge ¶ What the great devil Diccon I say? Diccon ¶ Yea in good faith, that is the way, Fet with some pretty charm. Hodge ¶ Soft Diccon be not too hasty yet, By the mass for ich begin to sweat Cham afraid of syme harm. Diccon ¶ Come hither then and stir the not One inch out of this Circle plat But stand as I thee teach. Hodge ¶ And shall ich be here safe from their claws: Diccon ¶ The master devil with his long paws Here to thee can not reach: Now will I settle me to this gear. Hodge ¶ I say Diccon, hear me, hear: Go softly to this matter. Diccon ¶ What devil man, art afraid of nought Hodge ¶ Canst not tarry a little thought Till ich make a courtesy of water. Diccon ¶ Stand still to it, why shouldest thou fear him? Hodge ¶ gog's sides Diccon, methink ich hear him And tarry chal mare all. Diccon ¶ The matter is no worse than I told it, Hodge ¶ By the mass cham able no longer to hold it, To bad iche must bewray the hall. Diccon ¶ Stand to it Hodge, stir not you whoreson, What Devil, be thine arse strings brusten? thyself a while but stay, The devil I smell him will be here anon. Hodge ¶ Hold him fast Diccon, cham gone, cham gone Chill not be at that fray. The ii. Act. The ii. Scene. Diccon. Chat. Diccon FIE shitten knave, and out upon thee Above all other louts fie on thee, Is not here a cleanly prank? But thy matter was no better Nor thy presence here no sweeter, To fly I can the thank: Here is a matter worthy glozing Of Gammer Gurton needle losing And a foul piece of work, A man I think might make a play And need no word to this they say Being but half a clerk. Soft, let me alone, I will take the charge This matter further to en large Within a time short, If ye will mark my toys, and note I will give ye leave to cut my throat If I make not good sport, Dame Chat I say, where be ye, within? Chat. ¶ Who have we there maketh such a din: Diccon ¶ Here is a good fellow, maketh no great danger, Chat. ¶ What diccon? come near, ye be no stranger, We be fast set at trump man, hard by the fire, Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher. Diccon ¶ Nay, nay, there is no tarrying: I must be gone again But first for you in council I have a word or twain. Chat. ¶ Come hither Dol, Dol, sit down and play this game, And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same There is 5. trumps beside the Queen, that hindmost thou shalt find her Take heed of Sim glovers wife, she hath an eye behind her, Now Diccon say your will. Diccon ¶ Nay soft a title yet, I would not tell it my sister, the matter is so great, There I will have you swear by our dear Lady of Bullaine, S. Dunstone, and S. Donnyke, with the three Kings of Kullaine, That ye shall keep it secret. Chat, ¶ gog's bread that will I do, As secret as mine own thought, by god and the devil two. Diccon. ¶ Here is gammer gurton your neighbour, a sad & heavy wight Her goodly fair red Cock, at home. was stole this last night. Chat. ¶ gog's foul her Cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowed so just? Diccon ¶ That cock is stolen. Chat. ¶ What was he fet out of the hens-rust? Diccon ¶ I can not tell where the devil he was kept, under key or lock. But Tib hath tickled in gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock Chat. ¶ Have I strong hoore? by bread and salt. Diccon ¶ What soft, I say be still. Say not one word for all this gear. Chat. ¶ By the mass that I will, I will have the young hoar by the head, & the old trot by the throat Diccon ¶ Not one word dame Chat I say, not one word for my coat. Chat. ¶ Shall such a beggar's brawl as the thinkest thou make me a thief The pocks light on her hores sides, a pestilence & a mischief Come out thou hungry needy bitch, o that my nails be short. Diccon ¶ gog's bred woman hold your peace, this gear will else pass sport I would not for an hundred pound, this matter should be known, That I am author of this tale, or have abroad it blown Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the tale I told I said ye must all secret keep, and ye said sure ye would. Chat. ¶ Would you suffer yourself diccon, such a sort, to revile you With slanderous words to blot your name, & so to defile you? Diccon ¶ No goodwife chat I would be loath such drabs should blot my name But yet ye must so order all, the Diccon hear no blame. Chal. ¶ Go to then, what is your read: say on your mind, (ye shall me rule herein. Diccon ¶ God a mercy to dame chat, in faith thou must the gear begin It is twenty pound to a goose turd, my gammer will not tarry But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs can her carry, To brawl with you about her cock, for well & hard Tib say The Cock was roasted in your house, to breakfast yesterday, And when ye had the carcase eaten, the feathers ye out flung And Doll your maid the legs she hid a foot deep in the dung. Chat. ¶ Do gracious god my heart is bursts. Diccon ¶ Well rule yourself a space And gammer gurton when she cometh anon into this place Then to the Quean let's see tell her your mind & spare not So shall Diccon blameless be, and then go to I care not. Chat, ¶ Then sure beware her throat, I can abide no longer In faith old witch it shallbe seen, which of us two be stronger And Diccon but at your request, I would not stay one hour, Diccon ¶ Well keep it in till she be here and then out let it power, In the meanwhile get you in, and make no words of this More of this matter with in this hour to hear you shall not miss Because I know you are my friend, hide it I could not doubtless Ye know your harm, see ye be wise about your own business So fare ye will. Chat. ¶ Nay soft Diccon and drink, what Doll I say Bring here a cup of the best ale, let's see, come quickly a way. The ii. Act. The iii. Scene. Hodge. Diccon. Diccon Ye see masters the one end tapped of this my short devise Now must we broche tother to, hour the smoke arise And by the time they have a while run. (I trust ye need not crave it. But look what lieth in both their hearts ye are like sure to have it Hodge ¶ Yea gog's soul, art alive yet? what Diccon dare ich come? Diccon ¶ A man is well hied to trust to thee, I will say nothing but mum But and ye come any nearer I pray you see all be sweet. Hodge ¶ Tush man, is gammer's needle found, that chould gladly weet Diccon ¶ She may thank thee it is not found, for if thou had kept thy standing The devil he would have fet it out, even hodge at thy commanding Hodge ¶ gog's heart, & cold he tell nothing where the needle might be found Diccon ¶ Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, ere we had got our ground, Therefore his tale so doubtful was, that I could not perceive it. Hodge ¶ Then ich see well something was said, chop one day yet to have it, But diccon, diccon, did not the devil cry ho, ho, ho, Diccon ¶ If thou hadst tarried where thou stoodst, thou wouldest have said so Hodge ¶ Durst swear of a book, chard him roar, straight after ich was gone But tell me diccon what said the knave: let me here it anon. Diccon ¶ The whoreson talked to me. I know not well of what One while his tongue it ran and paltered of a Cat, Another while he stammered still upon a Rat, Last of all there was nothing but every word Chat, Chat, But this I well perceived before I would him rid, Between Chat, and the Rat, and the Cat, the needle is hid, Now whether Gyb our cat have eat it in her maw, Or Doctor Rat our curate have found it in the straw, Or this dame chat your neighbour have stolen it, god he knoweth But by the morrow at this time, we shall learn how the matter goeth Hodge ¶ Canst not learn tonight man, seest not what is here, ¶ Pointing behind to his torn breeches. Diccon ¶ 'tis not possible to make it sooner appear, Hodge ¶ Alas Diccon then chaveave no shift, but lest ich tarry to long high me to Sym glovers shop, there to seek for a Thong, There with this breech to tatch and tie as ich may. Diccon ¶ To morrow hodge if we chance to meet, shalt see what I will say. The ii. Act. The iiii. Scene. Diccon: Gammer. Diccon NOw this gear must forward go, for here my gammer: cometh, Be still a while & say nothing, make here a little roomth. Gammer ¶ Good lord, shall never be my luck my needle again to spy: Alas the while 'tis past my help, where 'tis still it must lie. Diccon ¶ Now jesus gammer gurton, what driveth you to this sadness I fear me by my conscience, you will sure fall to madness. Gammer ¶ Who is that, what Diccon, cham lost man: fie fie. Diccon ¶ Marry fie on them that be worthy, but what should be your trouble, Gammer ¶ Alas the more ich think on it, my sorrow it waxeth double My goodly tossing sporyars needle, chaveave lost ich wot not where. Diccon ¶ Your needle, when? Gammer ¶ My needle (alas) ich might full ill it spare, As god himself he knoweth near one beside chaveave. Diccon ¶ If this be all good gammer, I warrant you all is save. Gammer ¶ Why know you any tidings which way my needle is gone? Diccon ¶ Yea that I do doubtless, as ye shall here anon, A see a thing this matter toucheth, within these .xx. hours, Even at this gate, before my face, by a neighbour of yours, She stooped me down, and up she took a needle or a pin: I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my mother's kin. Gammer ¶ It was my needle diccon ich wot, for here even by this post Ich sat, what time as ich up start, and so my needle it lost: Who was it lieve son? speak ich pray thee, & quickly tell me that? Diccon ¶ A subtle quean as any in this Town, (your neighbour here dame Chat. Gammer ¶ Dame chat diccon let me be gone, chil thither in post haste. Diccon ¶ Take my council yet or ye go, for fear ye walk in waste, It is a murrion crafty drab, and froward to be pleased. And ye take not the better way, our needle yet ye lose it: For when she took it up, even here before your doors What soft dame chat (quoth I) that same is none of yours avant (quoth she) sir knave, what pratest thou of that I find: I would that hadst kissed me I wot where: (she meant I know behind) And home she went as brag, as it had been a bodylouse, And I after as bold, as it had been, the goodman of the house: But there and ye had heard her, how she began to scold The tongue it went on patins, by him that judas sold, Each other word I was a knave, and you a boar of hores, Because I spoke in your behalf, and said the needle was yours, Gammer ¶ gog's bread, and thinks that callet thus to keep my needle me fro? Diccon ¶ Let her alone, and she minds none other but even to dress you so Gammer ¶ By the mass chil rather spend the coat that is on my back. Thinks the false quean by such a slygh, that chill my needle lack Diccon ¶ Sleep not you gear I counsel you, but of this take good heed Let not be known I told you of it, how well soever ye speed. Gammer ¶ Chil in Diccon a clean apron to take, and set before me, And ich may my needle once see, chil sure remember the The ii. Act. The v. Scene. Diccon. Diccon HEre will the sport begin, if these two once may meet. Their cheer durst lay money will prove scarcely sweet My gammer sure intends, to be upon her bones, Which staves, or with clubs, or else with cobble stones. Dame Chat on the other side, if she be far behind I am right far deceived she is given to it of kind, He that may tarry by it a while, and that but shorts I warrant him trust to it, he shall see all the sport Into the town will I, my friends to visit there And hither straight again to see th'end of this gear In the mean time fellows, pipe up your fiddles, I say take them And let your friends here such mirth as ye can make them. The iii. Act. The i Scene. Hodge. Hodge SYm glover yet gramercy, cham meetly well sped now, Thart even as good a fellow as ever kissed a cow, Here is a thing in deed, by the mass though ich speak it Tom tankard's great bald cortal, I think could not break it And when he spied my need, to be so straight and hard, Hays lent me here his naull, to set the gib forward, As for my gammer's needle, the flying fiend go weete, Chill not now go to the door again with it to meet: Chould make shift good enough and chad a candles end, The cheese hole in my breech, with these two chil amend. ¶ The iii. Act. ¶ The ii. Scene. Gammer. Hodge. Gammer HOw Hodge, mayst now be glad, cha news to tell thee Ich know who hais my needle, ich trust soon shalt it see Hodge ¶ The devil thou does, hast hard gammer in deed, or dost but jest Gammer ¶ 'tis as true as steel Hodge. Hodge ¶ Why, knowest well where didst lose it? Gammer ¶ Ich know who found it, and took it up shalt see or it be long. Hodge ¶ God's mother dear, if that be true, farewell both naule an thong But who hais it gammer say on: chould fain here it disclosed. Gammer ¶ That false fixen, that same dame Chat, that counts herself so honest. Hodge ¶ Who told you so: Gammer ¶ That same did Diccon the bedlam, which saw it done. Hodge ¶ Diccon: it is a vengeable knave gammer, 'tis a bonable whoreson, Can do more things than that else cham deceived evil: By the mass ich saw him of late call up a great black devil, O the knave cried ho, ho, he roared and he thundered, And yead been here, cham sure you'd murrenly ha' wondered. Gammer ¶ Was not thou afraid Hodge to see him in this place: Hodge ¶ No, and chad come to me, chould have laid him on the face, Chould have promised him. Gammer ¶ But Hodge, had he no horns to push: Hodge ¶ As long as your two arms, saw ye never friar Rush Painted on a cloth, with a side long cows tail: And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked nail? For all the world (if I should judge) chould reckon him his brother Look even what face friar Rush had, the devil had such another Gammer ¶ New jesus mercy hodge. did diccon in him bring: Hodge ¶ Nay gammer (hear me speak) chil tel you a greater thing, The devil (when diccon had him, ich heard him wondrous we'll) Said plainly (here before us, that dame chat had your needle. Gamer ¶ They let us go, and ask her wherefore she minds to keep it, Sing we know so much, 'ttwere a madness now to sleep it. Hodge ¶ Go to her gammer see ye not where she stands in her doors Bid her give you the needle, 'tis none of hers but yours. ¶ The iii. Act. ¶ The iii Scene. Gammer. Chat. Hodge. Gammer SAme Chat chold pray the fair, let me have that is mine chil not this twenty years take one fart that is thine Therefore give me mine own & let me live beside thee Chat. ¶ Why art thou crept from home hither, to mine own doors to chide me: Hence doting drab, avaunt, or I shall set the further. Intends thou and that knave, me in my house to murder: Gammer ¶ Tush gape not so no me woman, shalt not yet eat me, Nor all the friends thou hast, in this shall not entreat me: Mine own goods I will have, and ask thee on believe, What woman: poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve. Chat. ¶ Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's brood What wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good: Gammer ¶ chil say nothing (ich warrant thee, but that ich can prove it well Thou set my good even from my door, cham able this to tell, Chat. ¶ Did I (old witch) steal oft was thine: (how should that thing be known: Gammer ¶ Ich can not tell, but up thou tookest it as though it had been thine own, Chat, ¶ Marry fie on thee, thou old gyb, with all my very heart. Gammer ¶ Nay fie on thee thou ramp, thou ryg, with all that take thy part. Chat. ¶ A vengeance on those lips that layeth such things to my charge. Gammer ¶ A vengeance on those callet's hips, whose conscience is so large Chat. ¶ Come out Hog. Gammer ¶ Come out hog, and let have me right. Chat. ¶ Thou arrant Witch. Gammer ¶ Thou bawdy bitch, chil make thee curse this night. Chat. ¶ A bag and a wallet. Gammer ¶ A cart for a callet. Chat. ¶ Why weenest thou thus to prevail, I hold thee a groat, I shall patch thy coat. Gammer ¶ Thou wert as good kiss my tail: Thou slut, thou kut, thou rokes, thou takes: will not shame make thee hide Chat. ¶ thou shald thou bald, thou rotten, thou glutton, I will no longer chid thee But I will teach thee to keep home. Gammer ¶ Wilt thou drunken beast. Hodge ¶ Stick to her gammer, take her by the head, chil warrant you this feast. smite I laye gammer, bite I lay gammer, I trow ye will be keen: Where by your nail? claw her by the jaws, pull me out both her eyen, gog's bones gammer, hold up your head, Chat. ¶ I trow drab I shall dress thee. Tarry thou knave I hold the a groat, I shall make these hands bless thee Take thou this old hoar for amends, & learn thy tongue well to tame And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow but thy dame. Hodge ¶ Where is the strong stewed hoar, chil gear a hores mark, Stand out ones way, that ich kill none in the dark: Up gammer and ye be alive, chil feygh now for us both, Come no near me thou scalde callet, to kill the ich were loath. Chat. ¶ Art here again thou hoddypeak, what doll bring me out my spit. Hodge ¶ Chill brooch thee with this, him father soul, (Chill conjure that foul spirit: Let door stand Cock, why come in deed? keep door thou whoreson boy. Chat. ¶ Stand to it thou bastard for thine ears, i'll teach thou a sluttish toy. Hodge ¶ Gogs wounds hoar, chil make the avaunt, (take heed Cock, pull in the latch, Chat. ¶ i'faith sir loose breach had ye tarried, ye should have found your match. Gammer ¶ Now ware thy throat lozel, thouse pray for all Hodge ¶ Well said gammer by my soul, Hoist her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, pull out her throat bowl Chat. ¶ comest behind me thou withered witch, & I get once on foot Thouse pay for all, thou old tar leather, i'll teach the what longs to it Take that this to make up thy mouth, till time thou come by more Hodge ¶ Up gammer stand on your feet, where is the old whore? Faith would chad her by the face (choulde crack her callet crown Gammer ¶ A hodge, hodge, where was thy help, when fixen had me down. Hodge ¶ By the mass Gammer, but for my staff (Chat had gone nigh to spill you Ich think the harlot had not cared, and chad not come to kill you But shall well cost our needle thus? Gammer ¶ No Hodge chwarde loath do so. Thinkest thou chill take that at her hand, no hodge ich tell thee no Hodge ¶ Chold yet this fray were well take up & our own needle at home 'twill be my chance else some to kill, where ever it be or whom Gammer ¶ We have a parson, (hodge thou knows) a man esteemed wise Mast doctor Rat, chil for him lend, and let me here his advise, He will her shrive for all this gear, & give her penance straight Wese have our needle, else dame that comes near with in heaven gate Hodge ¶ Ye marry gammer, thou ich think best: will you now for him send The sooner Doctor Rat be here, the sooner we'llse ha an end, And here gammer Diccon's devil, (as iche remember well) Of Cat, and Chat, and Doctor Rat: a felonius tale did tell, Chold you forty pound, that is the way your needle to get again. Gammer ¶ Chil ha' him straight, call out the boy, we'll make him take the pain Hodge ¶ What coke I say, come out what devil canst not hear. Gammer ¶ How now hodge? how does gammer, is yet the wether clear? What would chaveave me to do? Gammer ¶ Come hither cock anon: Hence swith to Doctor Rat, high thee that thou were gone, And pray him come speak with me, cham not well at ease, Shalt have him at his chamber, of else at mother Bees, else seek him at Hobfitcher's shop for as charred it reported Cock. There is the best ale in all the town, and now is most resorted. Gammer ¶ And shall ich bring him with me gammer? cock. ¶ Yea, by and by good Cock. Hodge ¶ Shalt see that shallbe here anon, else let me have one the dock ¶ Now gammer shall we two go in, and tarry for his coming What devil woman pluck up your heart, & leave of all this glooming Though she were stronger at thou first, as ich think ye did find her Gammer Yet there ye breast the drunken sow, what time ye came behind her ¶ Nay, nay, cham sure she lost not all, for let them to the beginning And ich doubt not, but she will make small boast of her winning. ¶ The iii. Act. ¶ The iiii. Scene. Tyb. Hodge. Gammer. cock. Tyb SEE gammer, gammer, gib our cat, cham afraid what she aileth She stands me gasping behind the door, (as though her wind her faileth: Now let ich doubt what gib should mean, that now she doth so dote. Hodge ¶ Hold hither, ichould twenty pound, your needle is in her throat Grope her ich say, methinks ich feel it, does not prick your hand? Gammer ¶ Ich can feel nothing. Hodge ¶ No, ich know thars not within this land A muryner Cat then Gyb is, betwixt the Thames and Tyne, sh'asse as much wit in her head almost as chaveave in mine. Tyb ¶ Faith she'sse eaten some thing, that will not easily down Whether she got it at home, or abroad in the town Iche can not tell. Gammer ¶ Alas ich fear it he some crooked pin, And then farewell gyb, she is undone, and lost all save the skin. Hodge ¶ Tib, your needle woman, I say: gags soul give me a knife And chil have it out of her maw, or else chal lose my life. Gammer ¶ What nay hodge, fie kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now. Hodge ¶ By the mass dame Chat bays me so moved, (iche care not what I kill, ma god a vow: Go to then Tib to this gear, hold up her tail and take her, Chil see what devil is in her guts chil take thou pains to rake her. Gammer ¶ Rake a Cat Hodge, what wouldst thou do? Hodge ¶ What think'st that cham not able? Did not Tom Lankard rake his Curtal toore day standing in the stable. Gammer ¶ Soft be content, let's here what news (Cock bringeth from mayst Rat. cock. ¶ Gammer chaveave ben there as you bade, you wot well about what 'twill not be long before he come, ich durst swear of a book He bids you see ye be at home, and there for him to look. Gammer ¶ Where didst thou find him boy was he not where I told thea? cock. ¶ Yes, yes even at hobfilchers house, by him that bought and sold me A cup of ale had in his hand, and a crab lay in the fire, Chad much ado to go and come, all was so full of mire: And Gammer one thing I can tell, Hobfilcher's nawl was lost And Doctor Rat found it again, hard beside the door post, I chould a penny can say something, your needle again to fet. Gamer ¶ Cham glad to hear so much Cock, then trust he will not let, To help us herein best he can therefore till time he come ¶ The ii. Act. ¶ The iiii. Scene. Doctor Rat. Gammer Gurton. D. Rat. A Man were better twenty times be a bandog & bark. Then here among such a sort, be parish priest or clerk Where he shall never be at rest, one pissing while a day But he must trudge about the town, this way, and that way, Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent And that which is worst of all, at every knaves commandment I had not sit the space, to drink two pots of ale But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy, was strait way at my tail, And she was sick, and I must come, to do I wot not what, If once her finger's end but ache, trudge, call for Doctor Rat And when I come not at their call, I only thereby lose, For I am sure to lack therefore, a tithe pig or a goose: I warrant you when truth is known, & told they have their tale The matter where about I come, is not worth a half penny worth of ale, Yet must I talk so sage and smooth, as though I were a glozer Else or the year come at an end. I shallbe sure the loser. What work ye gammer gurton? how here is your friend M. Rat. Gammer ¶ A good M. Doctor cha troubled, cha troubled you, chwot well that D. Rat. ¶ How do ye woman: be ye lusty, or be ye not well at ease: Gammer ¶ By gys master cham not sich, but yet chaveave a disease. Chad a foul turn now of late, chill tell it you by gigs. D. Rat. ¶ Hath your brown cow cast her calf, or your sandy sow her pigs Gammer ¶ No, but chad been as good they had, as this ich wot we'll. D. Rat. ¶ What is the matter Gammer ¶ Alas, alas, cha lost my good needle, My necle I say, and wot ye what: a drab came by and spied it And when I asked her for the same, the filth flatly deemed it. D. Rat. ¶ What was she that: Gammer ¶ A dame ich warrant you she began to scold and brawl Alas, alas, come hither Hodge: this wriche can tell you all. The iiii. Act. The ii. Scene. Hodge Doctor Rat. Gammer. Diccon. Chat. Hodge D. Rat. Come on fellow let us hear. Thy dame hath said to me, thou knowest of all this gear, Let's see what thou canst say. Hodge ¶ Bym say sir that ye shall, What matter soever here was done, ich can fell your mashly My Gammer gurton hear see now, sat her down at this door see now: And as she began to stir her, see now, her needle fell in the floor, see now, And while her staff she took, see now, at Gyb her Cat to fling, see now, Her needle was lost in the floor, see now is not this a wondrous thing, see now? Then came the quean Dame Chat see now to ask for her black cup, see now: And even here at this gate, see now: she took that needle up see now: My Gammer than she yeede, see now her needle again to bring, see now And was caught by the head see now is not this a wondrous thing, see now She tore my gammer's coat see now and scratched her by the face, see now Chad thought shed stopped her throat, see now is not this a wondrous case, see now? When ich saw this, ich was worth see now and start between them twain, see now Else ich durst take a book oath, see now my Gammer had been slain, see now. Gammer ¶ This is even the whole matter, as Hodge has plainly told And chould fain be quiet for my part that chould But help us good master, beseech ye that ye do Else shall we both be beaten and lose our needle too. D. Rat. ¶ What would ye have me to do tell me that I were gone I will do the best that I can, to set you both at one But be ye sure dame Chat hath this your needle found: Gammer ¶ Here comes the man that see her take it up on the ground, Ask him yourself master Rat if ye believe not me. And help me to my needle, for God's sake and saint charity. D. Rat. ¶ Come near diccon and let us hear, what thou can express. Wilt thou be sworn thou seest dame chat, this woman's needle have? Diccon ¶ Nay by S. Benit Will I not, then might ye think me rave. Gammer ¶ Why didst not yu tel me so even here canst yu fer shame deny it Diccon ¶ I marry gammer: but I said I would not abide by it. D. Rat. ¶ Will you say a thing, and not stick do it to try it. Diccon ¶ Stick to it quoth you master rat, marry sir I defy it. Nay there is many an honest man, when he such blasts hath blown In his friends ears, he would be loath the same by him were known If such a toy be used oft among the honesty It may beseem a simple man, if your and my degree. D. Rat. ¶ Then we be never the nearer, for all that you can tell. Diccon ¶ Yes marry sir, if ye will do by mine advise and counsel, If mother chat see all us here, she knoweth how the matter goes Therefore I read you three go hence, and within keep close, And I will into dame chats house, and so the matter use, That or you could go twice to church, I warrant you hot now, She shall look well about her, but I durst say a pledge, Ye shall of gammer's needle, have shortly better knowledge. Gammer ¶ Now gentle Diccon do so, and good sir let us trudge. WORSER Rat. ¶ By the mass I may not tarry so long to be your judge. Diccon ¶ Dys but a little while man, what take so much pain, If I hear no news of it I will come sooner again. Hodge ¶ Carry so much good master Doctor of your gentleness. D. Rat. ¶ Then let us hie ue inward, and Diccon speed thy business. Diccon ¶ Now sirs do ye no more, but keep my counsel just, And Doctor Rat shall thus catch, some good I trust, But mother Chat my gossip, talk first with all I must: For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat in the dust, God deven dame Chat in faith, and well met in this place. Chat. ¶ God deven my friend Diccon, whether walk ye this pace? Diccon ¶ By my truth even to you, to learn how the world goeth, Hard ye no more of the other matter, say me now by your troth Chat. ¶ O yes diccon, here the old hoore, & hodge that great knave. But in faith I would thou hadst seen, o lord I dressed them brave She bore me two or three souses behind in the nape of the neck Till I made her old wesen, to answer again keck: And Hodge that dirty dastard, that at her elbow stands, If one pair of legs had not been worth two pair of hands He had had his beard shaven, if my nails would have served And not without a cause for the knave it well deserved. Diccon ¶ By the most I can the thank wench, yu didst so well acquit thee Chat. ¶ And thou'dstadst seen him Diccon, it would have made thou beshit the For laughter. The horsen dolt at hast caught up a club, As though he would have slain the master devil Belsabub, But I set him soon in word. Diccon ¶ O Lord there is the thing That Hodge is so offended, that makes him start and ding Chat. ¶ Why? makes the knave any moiling, as ye have seen or hard Diccon ¶ Even now I saw him last, like a mad man he fared, And swore by heaven and hell, he would ha' wreak his sorrow And leave you never a hen on live. by viii. of the clock to morrow, Therefore mark what I say, and my words see that ye trust Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the rust. Chat, ¶ The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground Diccon ¶ Well yet take heed I say, I must tell you my tale round, Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead: A hole where a crafty knave, may creep in for need? Chat. ¶ Yes by the mass, a hole broke down, even within these ii. days. Diccon ¶ Hodge, he intends this same night, to slip in there aways. Chat. ¶ O christ that I were sure of it, in faith he should have his meed. Diccon ¶ watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed I would spend myself a shilling: to have him swinged well. Chat. ¶ I am as glad as a woman can be of this thing to here tell By gog's bones when he cometh, now that I know the matter He shall sure at the first skip, to leap in scalding water: Wish a worse turn besides when he will, let him come. Diccon ¶ I tell you as my sister, you know what meaneth mum, Now lack I but my doctor, to play his part again And so where he cometh towards, peradventure to his pain. D. Rat. ¶ What good news Diccon? fellow, is mother chat at home, Diccon ¶ She is sir, and she is not, but it please her to whom: Yet did I take her tardy, as subtle as she was. D. Rat. ¶ The thing that thou went'st for, hast thou brought it to pass? Diccon ¶ I have done that I have done, be it worse be it better. And dame Chat at her wits end, I have almost set her. WORSER Rat. ¶ Why hast thou spied the needle quickly I pray thee tell. Diccon ¶ I have spied it in faith sir, I handled myself so well, And yet the crafty quean, had almost take my trump. But or all came to an end. I set her in a dump: D. Rat. ¶ How so I pray thee Diccon? Diccon ¶ Marry sir will ye hear? She was clapped down on the backside, by cock's mother dear And there she sat sewing a halter, or a band, With no other thing save gammer's needle in her hand, As soon as any knock, if she filth be in double, She needs but once puff, and her candle is out: Now I sir knowing of every door she pin. Came nicely, and said no word, till time I was within, And there I saw the needle, even with these two eyes, whoever say the contrary, I will swear he lies. D. Rat. ¶ O Diccon that I was not there, then in thy stead. Diccon ¶ Well, if ye will be ordered, and do by my reade. I will bring you to a place, as the house stands. Where ye shall take the drab, with the needle in her hands D. Rat. ¶ For God's sake do so Diccon, and I will gauge my gown To give thee a full pot, of the best ale in the town, Diccon ¶ Follow me but a little, and mark what I will say, Lay down your gown beside you, go to, come on your way: See ye not what is here a hole wherein ye may creep Into the house, and suddenly unwares among them leap, There shall ye find the Bitchfox, and the needle together Do as I bid you man, come on your ways hither. D. Rat. ¶ Art thou sure diccon, the swill tub stands not here about. Diccon ¶ I was within myself man even now, there is no doubt, Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot sir john, Here will I wait upon you, till you come out anon. D. Rat. ¶ Help Diccon, out alas, I shall be slain among them. Diccon ¶ If they give you not the needle, tell them that ye will hang them Ware that, how my wenches, have ye caught the Fox, That used to make revel, among your hens and Cocks: Save his life yet for his order, though he sustain some pain gog's bread, I am afraid, they will beat out his brain. D. Rat. ¶ Woe worth the hour that I came hear. And woe worth him that wrought this gear, A sort of drabs and queans have me blessed, Was ever creature half so evil dressed? whoever it wrought, and first did invent it, He shall I warrant him, err long repent it, I will spend all I have without my skin But he shall be brought to the plight I am in, Master bailie I trow, and he be worth his ears. Will snaffle these murderers and all that them bears, I will surely neither bite nor sup Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up. The v. Act. The i. Scene. Master bailie. doctor Rat. Bailie. I Can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart But either ye are in all the fault or else in the greatest part D. Rat. ¶ If it be counted his fault, besides all his grieves When a poor man is spoiled: and beaten among thieves? Then I confess my fault herein, at this season, But I hope you will not judge so much against reason. Baily. ¶ And methinks by your own tale, of all that ye name. If any played the thief you were the very same. The women they did nothing, as your words make probation But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion, If that a thief at your window, to enter should begin, Would you hold forth your hand, and help to pull him in: Or you would keep him out: I pray you answer me. D. Rat. ¶ Marry keep him out, and a good cause why: But I am no thief sir but an honest learned clerk. Baily. ¶ Yea but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose, Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse methink you may be glad that you luck was no worse. D. Rat. ¶ Is not this evil enough, I pray you as you think, Showing his broken head. Baily ¶ Yea but a man in the dark, of chances do wink, As son he smites his father as any other man, Because for lack of light, discern him he ne can, Might it not have been your luck, with a spit to have been slain: D. Rat ¶ I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain, If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the kockes. Baily. ¶ By my troth and well worthy, beside to kiss the stocks To come in on the back side, when ye might go about, I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knocked out D. Rat. ¶ Well, will you be so good sir, as talk with dame Chat; And know what she intended: I ask no more but that. Bayly. ¶ Let her be called fellow because of master doctor, I warrant in this case, she will be her own Proctor, She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose, And bid you seek your remedy, and so to wipe your nose. ¶ The v. Act. ¶ The ii. Scene, Bayly. M. bailie. Chat. D. Rat. Gammer. Hodge. Diccon. SAme Chat, master doctor upon you here complained That you & your maids should him much misorder. And taketh many an oath, that no word he feigned, Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder: And on his part again, that same man saith further He never offended you in word nor intent, To hear you answer hereto, we have now for you sent. Chat. ¶ That I would have murdered him, fie on him wretch, And evil mought be thee for it, our Lord I beseech. I will swear on all the books that opens and shuts He feigneth this tale out of his own guts, For this seven weeks with me, I am sure he sat not down, Nay ye have other minions, in the other end of the town, Where ye were liker to catch such a blow, then anywhere else, as far as I know. Baily. ¶ Be like then master Doctor, you stripe there ye got not? D. Rat. ¶ Think you I am so mad, that where I was bet, I would not? Will ye believe this quean, before she hath tried it? It is not the first deed she hath done and afterward divide it. Chat ¶ What man, will you say I broke your head? D. Rat. ¶ How canst thou prove the contrary? Chat. ¶ Nay how provest thou that I did the dead. D. Rat. ¶ To plainly, by S. Mary. This proof I trow may serve, though I no word spoke. Showing his broken head. Chat. ¶ Because thy head is broken, was it I that it broke? I saw thee Rat I tell thee, not once within this fortnight, D. Rat. ¶ No marry, thou sawest me not, for why thou hadst no light, But I felt thee for all the dark, be shrew thy smooth cheeks, And thou groped me this will declare, any day this six weeks Showing his head. Baily. ¶ Answer me to this M. Rat, when caught you this harm of yours? D. Rat. ¶ A while ago sir, god he knoweth, within les than these ii. hours. Baily. ¶ Dame Chat was there none with you: (confess i'faith) about that season. What woman, let it be what it will, 'tis neither felony nor treason Chat. ¶ Yes by my faith master bailie, there was a knave not far Who caught one good fillip on the brow, with a door bar And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me, But what is that to this man, since this was not he. Baily. ¶ Who was it then? let's here. D. Rat. ¶ Alas sir, ask you that? Is it not made plain enough (by the own mouth of dame chat The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue can not lie, only upon a bare nay she saith it was not I. Chat. ¶ No marry was it not indeed ye shall here by this one thing, This afternoon a friend of mine, for good will gave we warning And bade more well look to my rust, and all my Capons pens, For if I take not better heed, a knave would have my hens, Than I to save my goods took so much pains as him to watch And as good fortune served me, it was my chance him for to catch What strokes he bore away, or other what was his gains I wot not, but sure I am, he had something for his pains Baily. ¶ Yet tells thou not who it was. Chat. ¶ Who it was a false thief, That came like a false fox, my pullen to kill and mischief. Baily. ¶ But knowest thou not his name? Chat. ¶ I know it but what than. It was that crafty cullion Hodge my gammer Gurton's man. Bailie. ¶ Call me the knave hither, he shall sure kiss the stocks. D. Rat. I shall teach him a lesson, for filching hens or cocks. ¶ I marvel master bailie, so bleared be your eyes. An egg is not so full of meat as she is full of lies: When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear, She layeth the fault in such a one, as I know was not there. Chat. ¶ Was he not there look on his pate, that shallbe his witness. D. Rat. ¶ I would my head were half so whole, I would seek no redress, Baily. ¶ God bless you gammer Gurton. Gammer ¶ God dild you master mine. Baily. ¶ Thou hast a knave within thy house, hodge, a servant of thine. They tell me that busy knave, is such a filching one, That Hen, Pig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can have none, Gammer ¶ By god cham much ameued, to bear any such report: Hodge was not wont ich trow, to have him in that sort. Chat. ¶ A thievisher knave is not on live, more filching nor more false Many a truer man than he, have hanged up by the half. And thou his dame of all his theft, thou art the sole receiver For hodge to catch, and thou to keep, I never knew none better Gammer ¶ Sir reverence of your masterdom, and you were out adoor, Chold be so bold for all her brags, to call her arrant whore, And ich knew Hodge so bad as tow, ich with me endless sorrow And chould not take the pains, to hang him up before to morrow? Chat, ¶ What have I stolen from thee or thine: thou ill-favoured old trot. Gammer ¶ A great deal more (by Gods blessed,) then chever by the got, That thou knowest well I need not say it. Baily. ¶ Stop there I say, And tell me here I pray you, this matter by the way: How chance hodge is not here him would I fain have had. Gammer ¶ Alas sir, he'll be here anon, ha' be handled to bad. Chat. ¶ Master bailie, sir ye be not such a fool well I know, But ye perceive by this lingering, there is a pad in the straw. Thinking that hodge, his head was broke, and that gammer Would not let him come before them. Gammer ¶ Chil show you his face, ich warrant thee, lo now where he is. Bailie. ¶ Come on fellow it is told me thou art a shrew iwis, Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two legged fore Their chickens & their capons to, & now and then their Cocks. Hodge ¶ Ich defy them all that dare it say, cham as true as the best. Baily. ¶ Wart not thou take within this hour, in dame chats hen's nest? Hodge ¶ Take there? no master chold not dot, for a house full of gold. Chat ¶ Thou or the devil in thy cote, swear this I dare be bold. D. Rat. ¶ swear me no swearing quean, the devil he give the sorrow, All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to morrow, Where is the harm he hath? show it by God's bread, Ye beat him with a witness, but the stripes light on my head. Hodge ¶ Bet me? gog's blessed body, chold first ich trow have burst the Ich think and chad my hands loose callet chould have crust the. Chat. ¶ Thou shitten knave I trow thou knowest the full weight of my fist I am foully deceived, unless thy head & my door bar kissed Hodge ¶ Hold thy chat whore thou criest so loud, can no man else be hard Chat. ¶ Well knave, & I had the alone, I would surely rap the costard. Bayly. ¶ Sir answer me to this, is thy head whole or broken? Chat. ¶ Yea master bailie, blessed be every good token. Hodge ¶ Is my head whole? ich warrant you, 'tis neither scurvy nor sealed What you foul beast, does think 'tis either pilled or bald. Nay ich thank god: chil not for all that thou mayst spend That chad one scab on my narse, as broad as thy finger's end. Bayly. ¶ Come nearer hear. Hodge ¶ Yes That iche dare. Bayly. ¶ By our Lady here is no harm, Hodges head is hole enough, for all dame Chats charm. Chat. ¶ By gog's blessed, however the thing he clocks or smolders, I know the blows he bore away, either with head or shoulders, Camest thou not knave within this hour, creeping into my pens And there was caught within my house, groping among my hens. Hodge ¶ A plague both on thy hens & thee, a cart whore, a cart, Chould I were hanged as high as a tree, & chware as false as thou art give my gammer again her washi●al, thou stole away in thy lap. Gammer ¶ Yea master baily there is a thing, you know not on may hay This drab she keeps away my good, the devil he might her snare Ich pray you that ich might have, a right action on her. Chat. ¶ Have I thy good old filth, or any such old sows? I am as true, I would thou knew, as skin between thy brows Gammer ¶ Many a truer hath been hanged, though you escape the danger Chat, ¶ Thou shalt answer by God's pity, for this thy foul slander. Baily. ¶ Why, what can ye charge her withal? to say so, ye do not well. Gammer ¶ Marry a vengeance to her heart, the whore hase stolen my needle. Chat. ¶ Thy needle old witch, how so? it were alms thy skull to knock So didst thou say, the other day, that I had stolen thy Cock And roasted him to my breakfast, which shall not be forgotten, The devil pull out thy lying tongue, and teeth that be so rotten. Gammer ¶ Give me my needle, as for my cock, chould be very loath That chuld here tell he should hang, on thy false faith and troth. Baily. ¶ Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault Gammer ¶ Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bred & salt Baily. ¶ Keep ye content a while, see that your songs ye hold, methinks you should remember, this is no place to scold, How knowest thou gammer gurton, dame Chat thy needle had Gammer ¶ To name you sir the party, chould not be very glad. Baily. ¶ Yea but we must needs hear it, & therefore say it boldly. Gammer ¶ Such one as told the tale, full soberly and coldly, Even he that looked on, will swear on a book: What time this drunken gossip, my fair long needle up took Diccon (master) the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him. Bailie. ¶ A false knave by God's pity, ye were but a fool to trow him, I durst adventure well the price of my best cap, That when the end is known, all will turn to a jape, Told he not you that beside, she stole your Cock that tide? Gammer ¶ No master no indeed, for then he should have lied, My cock is I thank Christ, safe and well a fine. Chat. ¶ Yea but that ragged colt, that whore that tyb of thine Said plainly thy cock was stolen, & in my house was eaten, That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten, And yet for all my good name, it were a small amends I pick not this gear (hearst thou) out of my finger's end But he that hard it told me, who thou of late didst name Diccon whom all men knows, it was the very same. Baily. ¶ This is the case, you lost your needle about the doors And she answers again, she hase no cock of yours, Thus in you talk and Action, from that you do intend, She is whole five mile wide, from that she doth defend: Will you say she hath your Cock? Gammer ¶ No merry sir that chil not, Bayly. ¶ Will you confess her needle? Chat. ¶ Will I? no sir will I not. Bayly. ¶ Then there lieth all the matter. Gammer ¶ Soft master by the way, Ye know she could do little, and she cold not say nay. Bayly. ¶ Yea but he that made one lie about your Cock stealing, Will not stick to make another, what time lies be in dealing I ween the end will prove, this brawl did first arise, Upon no other ground, but only Diccons lies. Chat. ¶ Though some be lies as you belike have espied them. Yet other some be true, by proof I have well tried them. Bayly. ¶ What other thing beside this dame Chat. Chat. ¶ Marry sir even this, The tale I told before, the self same tale it was his, He gave me like a friend, warning against my loss, Else had my hens be stolen, each one, by God's cross: He told me Hodge would come, and in he came indeed, But as the matter chanced, with greater haste than speed, This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report. Bayly. ¶ If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of another sort. D. Rat. ¶ By God's mother thou and he, be a couple of subtle foxes, Between you and Hodge. I bear away the boxes, Did not diccon appoint the place, where thou shouldst stand to meet him. Chat. ¶ Yes by the mass, & if he came, bade me not stick to spit him. D. Rat. ¶ God's sacrament the villain knave hath dressed us round about, He is the cause of all this brawl, that dirty shitten lout: When gammer gurton here complained, & made a rueful moan I heard him swear that you had gotten, her needle that was gone, And this to try he further said, he was full loth how be it He was content with small ado, to bring me where to see it. And where ye sat, he said full certain, if I would follow his read Into your house a privy way, he would me guide and lead, And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clout, And set me in the back hole, thereby to find you out: And whiles I sought a quietness, creeping upon my knees, I found the weight of your door bar, for my reward and fees, Such is the luck that some men gets, while they begin to mell In setting at one such as were out. minding to make all well. Hodge ¶ Was not well blessed gammer, to scape the scour, & chad been there Then chad been dressed be like, as ill by the mass, as gaffer vicar. Bayly. ¶ Marry sir, here is a sport alone, I looked for such an end If diccon had not played the knave, this had been soon amend My gammer here he made a fool, and dressed her as she was And good wife Chat he set to school, till both parts cried alas, And D. Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare, I would the knave had been stark blind, if hodge had not his share. Hodge ¶ Cham meetly well sped already amongs, cham dressed like a colt And chad not had the better wit, chad been made a colt. Bayly. ¶ Sir knave make haste diccon were here, fetch him wherever he be Chat. ¶ Fie on the villain, fie, fie, that makes us thus agree, Gammer ¶ Fie on him knave, with all my heart, now fie, and fie again. D. Rat. ¶ Now fie on him may I best say, whom he hath almost slain. Bayly. ¶ Lo where he cometh at hand, belike he was not fare Diccon hear be two or three, thy company can not spare. Diccon ¶ God bless you, and you may be blessed so many all at once Chat. ¶ Come knave, it were a good deed to geld thee by cocks bones Seest not thy handiwork? sir Rat can ye forbear him? Diccon ¶ A vengeance on those hands light, for my hand came not near him The horsen priest hath lift the pot, in some of these alewives chairs That his head would not serve him, belike to come down the stairs. Baily. ¶ Nay soft, thou mayst not play the knave, & have this language to If thou thy tongue bridle a while, the better mayst thou do, Confess the truth as I shall ask, and cease a while to fable. And for thy fault I promise thee, thy handling shallbe reasonable Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the ears? Diccon ¶ What if I have? five hundred such have I seen within these seven years: I am sorry for nothing else but that I see not the sport Which was between them when they met, as they themselves report Bayly. ¶ The greatest thing master rat, ye see how he is dressed. Diccon. ¶ What devil need he be groping so deep, in good wife Chats hen's nest Bayly. ¶ Yea but it was thy drift to bring him into the briers. Diccon. ¶ God's bread, hath not such an old fool, wit to save his ears? He showeth himself herein ye see, so very a cox, The Cat was not so madly allured by the Fox, To run into the snares, was set for him doubtless, For he leapt in for mice, and this sir john for madness. D. Rat. ¶ Well and ye shift no better, ye losel, lyther, and lazy, I will go near for this, to make ye leap at a Dasye. In the king's name master bailie, I charge you set him fast. Diccon. ¶ What fast at cards, or fast on sleep? it is the thing I did last. D. Rat. ¶ Nay fast in fetters false varlet, according to thy deeds. Bayly. ¶ Master doctor there is no remedy, I must entreat you needs Some other kind of punishment, D. Rat. ¶ Nay by all hallows. His punishment if I may judge, shallbe nought else but the gallous. Bayly. ¶ That were to sore, a spiritual man to be so extreme. D. Rat. ¶ Is he worthy any better, sir how do ye judge and deem? Bayly. ¶ I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise so great. Gammer ¶ It is a shame ich tell you plain, for such false knaves entreat He has almost undone us all, that is as true as steel: And yet for all this great a do'cham never the near my needle. Bayly. ¶ Canst thou not say any thing to that diccon, wish least or most? Diccon ¶ Yea marry sir, thus much I can say well, the needle is lost. Bayly. ¶ Nay canst not thou tell which way, that needle may be found Diccon ¶ No by my fay sir. though I might have an hundred pound. Hodge ¶ Thou liar lickdish, didst not say the needle would be gitten? Diccon ¶ No hodge, by the same token, you where that time beshitten? For fear of Hobgoblin, you wot well what I mean, As long as it is sense, I fear me yet ye be scarce clean. Bayly. ¶ Well master rat, you must both learn, & teach us to forgive Since Diccon hath confession made, & is so clean shrove, If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy chance. I will enjoin him here, some open kind of penance: Of this condition, where ye know my fee is twenty pence For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispense, Ye shall go quite, so that ye grant, the matter now to run, To end with mirth among us all, even as it was begun. Chat. ¶ Say yea master vicar, & he shall sure confess to be your dotter And all we that be hear present, will love you much the better D. Rat. ¶ My part is the worst, but since you all here on agree. Go even to master bailie, let it be so for me, Bayly. ¶ How sayest thou diccon, art content this shall on me depend Diccon ¶ Go to M. bailie say on your mind, I know ye are my friend: Bayly. ¶ Then mark ye well, to recompense this thy former action Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction, Before their faces, here kneel down, & as I shall the teach. For thou shalt take on oath, of hodge's leather breach First for master Doctor, upon pain of his curse, Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse, And when ye meet at one pot, he shall have the first pull, And thou shalt never offer him the cup, but it be full. To good wife chat thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice. Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it When thou mayst drink of free cost, thou never forsake it: For gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be To help her to her needle again if it do lie in thee And likewise be bound: by the virtue of that To be of good abering to Gib her great Cat: Last of all for Hodge, the oath to scan, Thou shalt never take him, for fine gentleman. Hodge ¶ Come on fellow Diccon chalbe even with thee now. Bayly ¶ Thou wilt not stick to do this Diccon I trow. Diccon ¶ No by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it? look as I have promised, I will not denay it, But Hodge take good heed now, thou do not beshit me. And gave him a good blow on the buttock. Hodge ¶ gog's heart thou false villain dost thou bite me? Bayly ¶ What Hodge doth he hurt the or ever he begin. Hodge ¶ He thrust me into the buttock, with a bodkin or a pin, I say Gammer, Gammer? Gammer ¶ How now Hodge, how now: Hodge ¶ God's mait Gammer gurton. Gammer ¶ Thou art mad ich trow. Hodge ¶ Will you see the devil Gammer. Gammer ¶ The devil son, god bless us. Hodge ¶ Chould iche were hanged Gammer. Gammer ¶ Marry see ye might dress us. Hodge ¶ Chaue it by the mass Gammer Gammer ¶ What not my needle Hodge? Hodge ¶ Your Needle Gammer, your needle. Gammer ¶ No fie, dost but dodge. Hodge ¶ Cha found your needle Gammer, here in my hand be it. Gammer ¶ For all the loves on earth Hodge, let me see it. Hodge ¶ Soft Gammer. Gammer ¶ Good Hodge. Hodge ¶ Soft ich say, tarry a while. Gammer ¶ Nay sweet Hodge say truth, and do not me beguile. Hodge ¶ Cham sure on it ich warrant you: it goes no more astray Gammer ¶ Hodge when I speak so fair: wilt still say me nay: Hodge ¶ Go near the light gammer this well in faith good luck: Chwas almost undone: 'twas so far in my buttock Gammer ¶ 'tis mine own dear needle Hodge, sickerly I wot Hodge ¶ Cham I not a good son gammer, cham I not, Gammer ¶ Christ's blessing light on thee, hast made me for ever Hodge ¶ Ich knew that ich must find it, else choud a had it never Chat. ¶ By my troth gossip gurton, I am even as glad As though I mine own self as good a turn had: Bayly. ¶ And I by my conscience, to see it so come forth, Rejoice so much at it, as three needles be worth. D. Rat. ¶ I am no whit sorry to see you so rejoice. Diccon ¶ Nor I much the gladder for all this noise: Yet say gramercy Diccon, for springing of the game. Gammer ¶ Gramercy Diccon twenty times, o how glad cham, If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither, Master Rat, good wife Chat, and Diccon together: Cha but one half penny, as far as iche know it, And chil not rest this night, till ich bestow it. If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink. Bayly. ¶ I am content if the rest think as I think! Master Rat it shallbe best for you if we so do, Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too. Diccon ¶ Soft sirs, take us with you, the company shallbe the more, As proud comes behind they say, as any goes before, But now my good masters since we must be gone And leave you behind us, here all alone: Since at our last ending, thus merry we be, For Gammer Gurton's needle's sake, let us have a plaudite. Finis, Gurton. Perused and allowed, etc. Imprinted at London in Fleetstreet beneath the Conduit, at the sign of S. john Evangelist, by Thomas Colwell. 1575.