RICHARD TARLTON. Tarlton's Jests. Drawn into these three parts. 1 His Court-witty jests. 2 His sound City jests. 3 His Country pretty jests. Full of delight, Wit, and honest Mirth. LONDON, Printed by I. H. for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Paul's Churchyard, at the sign of the Bear. 1638. Tarlton's Court-Witty jests. How Tarlton played the Drunkard before the Queen. THE Queen being discontented; which Tarlton perceiving, took upon him to delight her with some acquaint jest: whereupon he counterfeited a drunkard, and called for Beer, which was brought immediately. Her Majesty noting his humour, commanded that he should have no more: for (quoth she) he will play the beast, and so shame himself. Fear not you (quoth Tarlton) for your Beer is small enough. Whereat her Majesty laughed heartily, and commanded that he should have enough. How Tarlton deceived the Watch in Fleetstreet. TArlton having been late at Court, & coming homewards thorough Fléetstréet, he espied the Watch, and not knowing how to pass them, he went very fast, thinking by that means to go unexmained: But the Watchmen perceiving that he shunned them, stepped to him, & commanded him in the Queen's name to stand. Stand, quoth Tarlton? let them stand that can, for I cannot. So falling down, as though he had been drunk, they helped him up, and so let him pass. How Tarlton flouted a Lady in the Court. Upon a time, Tarlton being among certain Ladies at a banquet which was at Greenwich, the Queen then lying there, one of the Ladies had her face full of pimples with heat at her stomach, for which cause she refused to drink wine amongst the rest of the Ladies: which Tarlton perceiving (for he was there of purpose to jest amongst them) quoth he, A marren of that face, which makes all the body fare the worse for it. At which the rest of the Ladies laughed, and she (blushing for shame) left the banquet. Tarlton's opinion of Oysters. Certain Noblemen and Ladies of the Court, being eating of Oysters, one of them seeing Tarlton, called him, & asked him if he loved Oysters? No (quoth Tarlton) for they be ungodly meat, uncharitable meat, and unprofitable meat. Why, quoth the Courtiers; They are ungodly, says Tarlton, because they are eaten without grace, uncharitable, because they leave nought but shells: and unprofitable, because they must swim in wine. Tarlton's resolution of a question ONe of the company taking the Gentleman's part, asked Tarlton at what time he thought the Devil to be most busied? When the Pope dies, (quoth he.) Why says the Courtier? Marry (answered he) than all the Devils are troubled and busied to plague him: for he hath sent many a soul before him thither, that exclaim against him. How a parsonage fell into Tarlton's hands. HEr Majesty dining in the Strand at the Lord Treasurers, the Lords were very desirous that she would vouchsafe to stay all night: but nothing could prevail with her. Tarlton was in his Clowns apparel, being all dinner while in the presence with her, to make her merry: and hearing the sorrow that the Noblemen made, that they could not work her stay: he asked the Nobles what they would give him to work her stay? The Lords promised him any thing, to perform it. Quoth he Procure me the Parsonage of Shared. They caused the patent to be drawn presently: he got on a Parson's gown and a corner-Cap, & standing upon the stairs, where the Queen should descend, he repeated these words: A Parson, or no Parson? A Parson, or no Parson: but after she knew his meaning, she not only stayed all night, but the next day willed he should have possession of the Benefice. A madder Parson was never, for he threatened to turn the Bell-mettle into lining for his purse: which he did, the Parsonage and all, into ready money. How Tarlton Proved two Gentlewomen dishonest by their own words. TArlton seeing in Gréenwich two Gentlewomen in the Garden together, to move mirth comes to them, and inquires thus: Gentlewomen, which of you two is the honester? ay, says the one, I hope without exceptions: and I quoth the other, since we must speak for ourselves: so than says Tarlton, one of you by your own words is dishonese, one being honester than the other, else you would answer otherwise: but as I found you, so I leave you. How Tarlton answered a wanton Gentlewoman. A Gentlewoman merrily disposed, being crossed by Tarlton, and half angry, said, Sirrah, a little thing would make me requite you with a cuff. With a cuff, Lady, says Tarlton? so would you spell my sorrow forward: but spell my sorrow backward, then cuff me and spare not: when the Gentlemen by considered of the word, they laughing, made the simple-meaning Gentlewoman to blush for shame. How Tarlton dared a Lady. AT the Dinner in the great Chamber where Tarlton jested, the Ladies were daring one another: quoth one, I ever durst do any thing that is honest and Honourable. A French crown of that, says Tarlton. Ten pound of that says the Lady. Done, says one, Done says another. Tarlton put two pence betwixt his lips, and dared her to take it away with her lips. Fie, says she, that is immodesty. What to kiss, says Tarlton? then immodesty bears a great hand over all: but once in your life say, you have been beaten at your own weapon. Well, Sir, says she, you may say any thing. Then says Tarlton, remember, I say you dare not, and so my wager is good. How Tarlton landed at Cuckold's haven. TArlton being one Sunday at Court all day, caused a pair of Oars to tend him, who at night called on him to be gone. Tarlton being a carousing, drunk so long to the Watermen, that one of them was bumpsie, and so indeed were all three for the most part: at last they left Gréenwich, the Tide being at a great low fall▪ the Watermen yet afraid of the Cross Cables by the Limehouse, very dark and late as it was, landed Tarlton at Cuckolds-haven, and said, the next day they would give him a reason for it: But Tarlton was fain to go by land to Redriffe on the dirty bank, every step knée-déepe: so that coming home, he called one of his boys to help him off with his boots, meaning his stockings, which were died of another colour. Whereupon one gave him this theme the next day: Tarlton, tell me: for fain would I know, If thou wert landed at Cuckholds-haven or no? Tarlton answered thus: Yes, Sir, and I take't in, no scorn: For many land there yet miss of the horn. How Tarlton fought with black Davie. NOt long since lived a little swaggerer: called Black Davie, who would at Sword and Buckler fight with any Gentleman or other, for twelve pence: he being hired to draw upon Tarlton, for breaking a jest upon huffing Kate, a Punk, as men termed her: one evening, Tarlton coming forth at the Court gate, being at Whitehall, and walking toward the Tiltyard, this Davie immediately drew upon Tarlton: who on the sudden, though amazed, drew likewise, and enquired the cause: which Davie denied, till they had fought a bout or two. Tarlton courageously got within him, and taking him in his arms, threw him into the Tiltyard, who falling upon his nose, broke it extremely, that ever after he snuffled in the head; poor Davie lying all that night in the Tilt- yard, expecting the doors to be opened came forth, and at the Barber-surgeons told of this bloody combat: and the occasion of it was (quoth he) because Tarlton being in a Tavern, in the company of this-damnable Cackatrice, huffing Kate, called for wine, but she told him, That without he would burn it, she would not drink. No quoth Tarlton, it shall be burnt, for thou canst burn it without fire. As how Sir (quoth she?) Marry thus. Take the Cup in thine hand, and I will tell thee. So he filling the cup in her hand, said it was burnt sufficiently in so fiery a place: she perceiving herself so slouted, hired me to be her Champion, to revenge her quarrel. How Tarlton answered the Watchmen, coming from the Court. TArlton having played before the Queen till one a clock at midnight, coming homewards, one of them espied him, called him, Sirrah what art thou? A woman, says Tarlton. Nay, that is a lie, say the Watchmen; women have no such beards. Tarlton replied, if I should have said a man, that you know to be true, and would have bidden me, tell you that you know not, therefore I said a woman, and so I am all woman, having pleased the Queen, being a woman. Well, sirrah, says another, I present the Queen: then am I a woman, indeed, says Tarlton, as well as you, for you have a beard as well as I, and truly Mistress Annis, my busk is not done yet: when will yours? leave thy gibing, fellow, saith the Watch, the Queen's will is, That whosoever is taken without doors after ten a clock, shall be committed, and now it is past one: commit all such, says Tarlton, for if it be passed one a clock, it will not be ten this eight hours: with that one lifts up his Lantern, and looks him in the face, and knew him; Indeed M. Tarlton you have more wit than all we, for it is true, that ten was before one, but now one is before ten. It is true, quoth Tarlton, Watchmen had wont to have more wit, but for want of sleep they are turned fools: so Tarlton stole from them: and they to seem wise, went home to bed. Tarlton's answer to a Courtier. TArlton being at the Court all night, in the morning he met a great Courtier coming from his Chamber, who espying Tarlton, said: Good morrow, M. Didimus and Tridimus: Tarlton being somewhat abashed, not knowing the meaning thereof, said, Sir, I understand you not, expound, I pray you. Quoth the Courtier, Didimus and Tridimus, is a fool and a knave: you overloade me, replied Tarlton, for my back cannot bear both; therefore take you the one, and I will take the other, take you the knave, and I will carry the fool with me. Tarlton's quip for a young Courtier. THere was a young Gentleman in the Court, that had first lain with the Mother, and after with the Daughter, and having so done, asked Tarlton what it resembled: quoth he, As if you should first have eaten the Hen, and afer, the Chicken. Tarlton's answer to a Nobleman's question. THere was a Nobleman that asked Tarlton what he thought of Soldiers in time of Peace. Marry (quoth he) they are like Chimneys in Summer. Tarlton's jest to an unthrifty Courtier. THere was an unthrifty Gallant belonging to the Court, that had borrowed five pounds of Tarlton: but having lost it at Dice, he sent his man to Tarlton to borrow five pounds more, by the same token he owed him already five pounds. Pray tell your Master (quoth Tarlton) that if he will send me the token, I will send him the money: for who deceives me once, God forgive him: if twice, God forgive him: but if thrice, God forgive him, but not me, because I could not beware. How Tarlton flouted two Gallants. TArlton being in a merry vain, as he walked in the great Hall in Greenwich, he met my old Lord Chamberlain, going between two fantastic Gallants, and cried aloud unto him, my Lord, my Lord, you go in great danger: whereat amazed, he asked whereof: of drowning (quoth Tarlton) were it not for those two bladders under each of your arms. Tarlton's sound City jests. Tarlton's jest of a red face. TO an Ordinary in White Friars, where Gentlemen used, by reason of extraordinary diet, to this Tarlton often frequented, as well to continue acquaintance as to please his appetite. It chanced ●o upon a time (especially) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants, they enquired of him, why melancholy had got the upper hand of his mirth; to which he said little, but with a squint eye (as custom had made him hare eyed) he looked for a jest to make them merry. At last he espied one that sat on his left side, which had a very red face, he being a very great Gentleman, (which was all one to Tarlton) he presently in great haste called his Host: Who do I serve (my Host) quoth Tarlton; The Queen's Majesty, replied the Good man of the house. How happens it then, quoth Tarlton, that (to her Majesty's disgrace) you dare make me a companion with Servingmen, clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance upon my sleeve, looking at the Gentleman with the red face; me thinks, quoth he, it fits like the Saracens head without Newgate. The Gentleman's Salamander's face burnt like Erna for anger. The rest laughed heartily. In the end (all enraged) the Gentleman swore to fight with him at next meeting. A sudden and dangerous fray, 'twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton, which he put off with a jest. AS Tarlton and others passed along Fléetstréet, he espied a spruce young Gallant, black of complexion, with long hair hanging down over his ears, and his beard of the Italian cut, in white Satin, very quaintly cut, and his body so stiffly starched, that he could not bend himself any way for no gold. Tarlton, seeing such a wonder coming, trips before him, and meeting this Gallant, took the wall of him, knowing that one so proud, at least looked for the prerogative. The Gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall, or so much indignify him, turns himself, and presently drew his Rapier. Tarlton, drew likewise. The Gentleman fell to it roundly: but Tarlton (in his own defence) compass and traversing his ground, gaped with a wide mouth, whereat the people laughed: the Gentleman pausing, enquired why he gaped so, O Sir, says he, in hope to swallow you; for by my troth you seem to me like a Prune in a mess of white Broth. At this the people parted them. The Gentleman noting his mad humour, went his way well contented: for he knew not how to amend it. Tarlton's jest of a Pippin. AT the Bull in Bishopsgatestreet, where the Queen's Players oftentimes played, Tarlton coming on the Stage, one from the Gallery threw a Pippin at him. Tarlton took up the Pip, and looking on it, made this sudden jest. Pip in, or nose in, choose you whether, Put yours in, ere I put in the other. Pippin you have put in: then, for my grace, Would I might put your nose in another place. A jest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face. TArlton having flouted the fellow for his pippin which he threw, he thought to beméet with Tarlton at length. So in the Play Tarlton's part was to travel, who kneeling down to ask his father blessing, the fellow threw an Apple at him, which hit him on the chéek. Tarlton taking up the Apple, made this jest. Gentleman, this fellow, with this face of Mapple, Instead of a pippin, hath thrown me an Apple, But as for an Apple, he hath cast a Crab, So in stead of an honest woman, God hath sent him a drab. The people laughed heartily, for he had a Quean to his wife. How Tarlton and one in the Gallery fell out. IT chanced that in the midst of a Play, after long expectation for Tarlton: being much desired of the people, at length he came forth: where (at his entrance) one in the Gallery pointed his finger at him, saying to a friend that had never seen him, that is he. Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion given him, and seeing the man point with the finger, he in love again held up two fingers: the captious fellow, jealous of his wife, (for he was married) and because a Player did it, took the matter more heinously, & asked him why he made horns at him; No (quoth Tarlton they be fingers: For there is no man, Which in love to me, Lends me one finger, but he shall have three. No, no, says the fellow, you gave me the horns. True (says Tarlton) for my fingers are tipped with nails, which are like horns, and I must make a show of that which you are sure of. This matter grew so, that the more he meddled, the more it was for his disgrace: wherefore the standers by counselled him to depart, both he and his horns, lest his cause grew desperate. So the poor fellow, plucking his hat over his eyes, went his ways. How Fiddlers fiddled away Tarlton's apparel. IT chanced that one Fancy and Nancy, two Musicians in London, used often with their boys to visit Tarlton, when he dwelled in Gracious-street at the sign of the Saba, a Tavern, he being one of their best friends or benefactors, by reason of old acquaintance: to requite which, they came one Summer's morning to play him The Hunt's up, with such Music as they had. Tarlton, to requite them, would open his chamber door, and for their pains would give them Muskadine: which a Coney-catcher noting, and seeing Tarlton came forth in his shirt and nightgown to drink with these Musicians, the while this nimble fellow stepped in, and took Tarlton's apparel, which every day he wore, thinking that if he were espied to turn it to a jest: but it passed for currant, and he goes his ways. Not long after Tarlton returned to his chamber, & looked for his clothes: but they were safe enough from him. The next day this was noised abroad, and one in mockage threw him in this theme, he playing then at the Curtain: Tarlton, I will tell thee a jest, Which after turned to earnest: One there was, as I heard say, Who in his shirt heard Music play, While all his clothes were stolen away. Tarlton smiling at this, answered on the sudden thus, That's certain, Sir, it is no lie That same one in truth was I, When that the thief shall Pine and lack, Then shall I have clothes to my back: And I, together with my fellows, May see them ride to Tyburn Gallows. Of Tarlton and a beggar. TThere was a poor beggar but a conceited fellow, who seeing Tarlton at his door, asked something of him for God's cause. Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket, gave him two pence in stead of a penny: at which Tarlton made this Rhyme; Of all the Beggars most happy thou art, For to thee mine hand is better than my heart. Quoth the Beggar. True it is, Master, as it chanceth now: The better for me, and the worse for you. How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of Physic. TArlton, to satisfy the humours of certain Gentlemen his familiar acquaintance, went about for to try the skill of a simple Doctor of Physic, that dwelled not far from Islington, and thus it was: he took a fair Urinal, and filled it half full of good Wine, and bore it to this Doctor, saying it was a sick man's water: he viewed it, and tossing it up and down, as though he had great knowledge: quoth he, the Patient whose water it is, is full of gross humours, and hath need of purging, and to be let some ten ounces of blood. No, you Dunce, replied Tarlton, it is good piss, and with that drunk it off, and threw the Urinal at his head. How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow. TArlton passing through London, by chance he heard a simple Country fellow in an Alehouse, calling for a Kingston pot of Ale, stepped in to him, and threatened to accuse him of treason, saying Sirrah, I have seen and tasted of a penny pot of Ale, and have found good of the price, but of a Kingston coin I never heard: therefore it is some counterfeit, and I must know how thou camest by it: hereupon, the country fellow was driven into such a maze, that out of doors he got, and took him to his heels, as though wildfire had followed him. How Tarlton was deceived by his Wife in London. TArlton, being merrily disposed as his Wife and he sat together, he said unto her, Kate, answer me to one question, without a lie, and take this crown of gold: which she took on condition, that if she lost, to restore it back again. Quoth Tarlton, am I a Cuckold or no, Kate; Whereat she answered not a word, but stood silent, notwithstanding he urged her many ways. Tarlton seeing she would not speak, asked his gold again. Why, quoth she, have I made any lie; no, says Tarlton: why then good man fool, I have won the wager. Tarlton mad with anger, made this Rhyme. As women in speech can revile a man; So can they in silence beguile a man. One asked Tarlton what country man the Devil was. IN Carter Lane dwelled a merry Cobbler, who being in company with Tarlton, asked him what Countryman the Devil was; quoth Tarlton, a Spaniard: for Spaniards like the Devil, trouble the whole world. A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton. IN time of scarcity, a simple Chéese-monger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit came unto him and asked him, why he thought Cheese and Butter to be so ●●●re; Tarlton answered, Because Wood and Coals are so ●●●re, for Butter and Cheese a man may eat without a fire. Tarlton's answer to a rich Londoner. TArlton meeting a rich Londoner, fell into talk about the Bishop of Peterborough, highly praising his bounty to his servants, his liberality to strangers, his great hospitality and charity to the poor. He doth well, says the rich man, for what he hath, he hath but during his life. Why (quoth Tarlton) for how many lives have you your goods? How Tarlton gave away his dinner. AS Tarlton and his wife sat at dinner, his wife being displeased with him, and thinking to cross him, she gave away half his meat unto a poor Beggar, saying, Take this for my other husband's sake. Whereupon Tarlton took all that was left, and likewise bade the poor fellow to pray for his other wife's soul. Tarlton's answer to a boy in a Rhyme. THere was a crackrope Boy, meeting Tarlton in London street, sung this Rhyme unto Tarlton: Woe worth thee Tarlton, That ever thou wast borne: Thy Wife hath made thee Cuckold, And thou must wear the horn. Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie. What and if I be (Boy) I'm ne'er the worse: She keeps me like a Gentleman, With money in my purse. How Tarlton bade himself to dinner to my Lord Majors. A jest came in Tarlton's head where to dine: & thought he, in all that a man does, let him aim at the fairest: for sure if I bid myself any where this day, it shall be to my Lords Majors: and upon this goes to the Counter, and entered his action against my Lord Mayor, who was presently told of it, and sends for him. Tarlton waits dinner time, and then comes, who was admitted presently. Master Tarlton (says my Lord Mayor) have you entered an action against me in the Poultry Counter? My Lord (says Tarlton) have you entered an action against me in Woodstréet Counter? Not I in troth, says my Lord. No (says Tarlton) he was a villain that told me so then: but if it been not so, forgive me this fault, my Lord, and I will never offend in the next. But in the end he begins to swear, how he will be revenged on him that mocked him, and flings out in a rage. But my Lord said, Stay, M. Tarlton, dine with me, and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded. I will try that, my Lord, says Tarlton, and if it alter mine anger, both mine enemy and I will thank you together for this courtesy. Tarlton's jest of a box on the ear. ONe that fell out with his friend, meets him in the street, and calling him into a corner, gave him a box on the ear, and field him, getting him gone, and never told wherefore he did so: which Tarlton beholding, raised up the fellow, and asked him the reason of their sudden falling out. Can you tell, Sir, said the fellow? for by my troth as yet I cannot. Well said Tarlton, the more fool you: for had I such feeling of the cause, my wit would remember the injury: but many men are goslings; the more they feel, the less they conceive. Tarlton's jest to two Tailors. TArlton meeting two Tailors (friends of his) in the evening in mirth cries, Who goes there, A man, answered a Tailor: How many is there? one? Yea, said Tarlton: two, said the other Tailor: than you say true, said Tarlton: for two Tailors go to a man. But before they parted, they foxed Tarlton at the Castle in Pater noster Row, that Tarlton confessed them two Tailors to be honest men. So what they spent in the purse, they got in the person, Coming but one, by Tarlton's account, they returned, two. But Tarlton coming one, returned less by his wit▪ for that was shrunk in the wetting. How Tarlton jested at his wife. TArlton and his wife keeping an Ordinary in Paternoster Row, were bidden out to Supper: and because he was a man noted, she would not go with him in the street, but entreats him to keep one side, and she another: which he consented to. But as he went, he would cry out to her, and say, Turn that way, wife: and anon, On this side, wife. So the people flocked the more to laugh at them. But his wife (more than mad angry) goes back again, and almost forswore his company. How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to ward. WHen Tarlton dwelled in Gracious street, at a Tavern at the sign of the Saba, he was chosen Scavenger, and often the Ward complained of his slackness, in keeping the streets clean. So on a time when the Cart came, he asked the Raker why he did his business so slackly? Sir (said he) my fore-horse was in the fault, who being let blood and drenched yesterday, I durst not labour him. Sir (said Tarlton) your horse shall smart for it: and so leads him to the Counter: which the Raker laughed at, and (without his horse) did his work with the rest, thinking Tarlton's humour was but to jest, and would return him his horse again anon. But when that anon came, he was fain to pay all his fees of the Prison, as directly as if he himself had been there. For if Tarlton had committed the Master, the business had not gone forward: therefore the horse was in prison for the Master. How Tarlton made Armin his adopted son to succeed him. TArlton keeping a Tavern in Gracious-street, he let it to another, who was indebted to Armins' Master, a Goldsmith in Lombardstreet, yet he himself had a chamber in the same house. And this Armin (being then a wag) came often thither to demand his Master's money, which he sometimes had, and sometimes had not. In the end the man growing poor, told the boy he had no money for his Master, and he must bear with him. The man's name being Charles Armin, made this Verse, writing it with Chalk on a Waine-scot. O world, why wilt thou lie? Is this Charles the great? that I deny. Indeed Charles the great before: But now Charles the less, being poor. Tarlton coming into the room, reading it, and partly acquainted with the boy's humour, coming often thither for his Master's money, took a piece of Chalk, and wrote this Rhyme by it: A wag thou art, none can prevent thee; And thy desert shall content thee, Let me divine: As I am, so in time thou'lt be the same, My adopted son therefore be, To enjoy my Clowns suit after me. And see how it fell out. The boy reading this, so loved Tarlton after, that regarding him with more respect, he used to his Plays, and fell in a league with his humour: and private practice brought him to present playing, and at this hour performs the same, where, at the Globe on the Banks side men may see him. Tarlton's greeting with Banks his Horse. THere was one Banks (in the time of Tarlton) who served the Earl of Essex and had a Horse of strange qualities: and being at the Crosskeys in Gracious-street, getting money with him, as he was mightily resorted to; Tarlton then (with his fellows) playing at the Bell by, came into the Crosskeys (amongst many people (to see fashions: which Banks perceiving (to make the people laugh) says Signior (to his horse) Go fetch me the veriest fool in the company. The jade comes immediately, and with his mouth draws Tarlton forth. Tarlton (with merry words) said nothing but God a mercy Horse. In the end Tarlton seeing the people laugh so, was angry inwardly, & said, Sir, had I power of your horse, as you have, I would do more than that. What ere it be, said Banks (to please him) I will charge him to do it. Then (says Tarlton) charge him to bring me the veriest whoremaster in this company. He shall (says Banks,) Signior (says he) bring Master Tarlton here the veriest whoremaster in the company. The Horse leads his Master to him. Then god a mercy horse indeed, says Tarlton. The people had much ado to keep peace; but Banks and Tarlton had like to have squared and the horse by to give aim. But ever after it was a byword thorough London, God a mercy Horse, and is to this day. An excellent jest of Tarlton suddenly spoken. AT the Bull at Bishopsgate was a Play of Henry the fifth, wherein the judge was to take a box on the ear, and because he was absent that should take the blow, Tarlton himself (ever forward to please) took upon him to play the same judge, besides his own part of the Clown: and Knel then playing Henry the fifth, hit Tarlton a sound box indeed, which made the people laugh the more because it was he: but anon the judge goes in, and immediately Tarlton (in his Clowns clothes) comes out, and asks the Actors what news; O (saith one) hadst thou been here, thou shouldest have seen Prince Henry hit the judge a terrible box on the ear. What man, said Tarlton strike a judge? It is true i'faith, said the other, No other like, said Tarlton, and it could not be but terrible to the judge, when the report so terrifies me, that me thinks the blow remains still on my cheek, that it burns again, The people laughed at this mightily: and to this day I have heard it commended for rare, but no marvel, for he had many of these: But I would see our Clowns in these days do the like: no I warrant ye, and yet they think well of themselves too. Tarlton's jest with a Boy in the street. A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the street, and said, Master Tarlton, who lives longest? Marry Boy, says Tarlton, he that dies latest: and why die men so fast, said the Boy? Because they want breath, said Tarlton: no, rather said the Boy, because their time is come: them thy time is come, said Tarlton, see who comes yonder: Who? said the Boy? Marry, said Tarlton, Bull the Hangman: or one that would willingly be thy hangman: Nay, hang me them, if I employ him at this time, said the Boy. Well, said Tarlton, than thou wilt be hanged by thy own confession: and so they parted. A jest of Tarlton, proving Mustard to have wit. TArlton keeping an Ordinary in Paternoster row and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry, would approve Mustard (standing before them) to have wit: how so says one? It is like a witty scold, meeting another scold, knowing that scold will scold, begins to scold first: so says he, the Mustard being licked up, and knowing that you will bite it, begins to bite you first. I'll try that, says a Gull by, and the Mustard so tickled him, that his eyes watered. How now, says Tarlton, does my jest savour? I says the Gull, and bite too: if you had had better wit, says Tarlton, you would have bit first: so then conclude with me, that dumb unféeling. Mustard hath more wit than a talking unféeling fool, as you are. Some were pleased, and some were not, but all Tarlton's care was taken (for his resolution was ever) before he talked any jest. How Tarlton took Tobacco at the first coming up of it. TArlton (as other Gentlemen used) at the first coming up of Tobacco, did take it more for fashion's sake then otherwise, and being in a room, set between two men overcome with Wine, and they never seeing the like, wondered at it; and seeing the vapour come out of Tarlton's nose cried out, Fire, fire, and threw a cup of wine in Tarlton's face, Make no more stir, quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched: if the Sheriffs come, it will turn to a fine, as the custom is. And drinking that again, Fie, says the other, what a stink it makes? I am almost poisoned. If it offend, says Tarlton, let's every one take a little of the smell, and so the savour will quickly go: but Tobacco whiffs made them leave him to pay all. Tarlton's pretty Country jests. Tarlton's wit between a Bird and a Woodcock. IN the City of Gloucester, M. Bird of the Chapel met with Tarlton, who joyful to regréet other, went to visit his friends: amongst the rest, M. Bird of the Queen's Chapel, visited M. Woodcock of the College, where meeting, many friendly speeches passed, amongst which, M. Woodcock challenged M. Bird of Kin: who mused that he was of his affinity, and he never knew it. Yes says M. Woodcock, every Woodcock is a Bird, therefore it must needs be so. Lord Sir, says Tarlton, you are wide, for though every Woodcock be a Bird, yet every Bird is not a Woodcock. So Master Woodcock like a Woodcock bit his lip, and mumbudget was silent. Tarlton's jest of a Gridiron. WHile the Queen's Players lay in Worcester City to get money, it was his custom for to sing extempore of Themes given him: amongst which they were appointed to play the next day: now one fellow of the City amongst the rest, that seemed acquaint of conceit, to lead other youths with his fine wit, gave out, that the next day he would give him a Theme, to put him to a non plus: diverse of his friends acquainted with the same, expected some rare conceit. Well, the next day came, and my Gallant gave him his invention in two lines, which was this: Me thinks it is a thing unfit, To see a Gridiron turn the Spit. The people laughed at this, thinking his wit knew no answer thereunto, which angered Tarlton exceedingly, and presently with a smile looking about, when they expected wonders, he put it off thus. Me thinks it is a thing unfit: To see an Ass have any wit. The people hooted for joy, to see the Theame-giver dashed, who like a dog with his tail between his legs, left the place: But such commendations Tarlton got, that he sapped with the Bailiff that night, where my Theamer durst not come, although he were sent for, so much he vexed at that unlooked for answer. Tarlton's answer in defence of his flat nose. I Remember I was once at a play in the Country, where as Tarlton's use was, the play being done, every one so pleased to throw up his Theme: amongst all the rest, one was read to this effect, word by word: Tarlton, I am one of thy friends, and none of thy foes. Then I prithee tell how cam'st by thy flat nose: Had I been present at that time on those banks, I would have laid my short sword over his long shanks Tarlton, mad at this question, as it was his property, sooner to take such a matter ill then well, very suddenly returned him this answer: Friend or foe, if thou wilt needs know, mark me well, With parting dogs & bears, then by the ears, this chance fell: But what of that? though my nose be flat, my credit to save, Yet very well, I can by the smell, scent an honest man from a Knave. Tarlton's jest of a Bristol man. WHen the Queen's Players were restrained in Summer, they traveled down to S. james his Fair, at Bristol, where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners, and those Citizens: It happened that a wealthy Citizen, called M. Sunbanke, one morning secretly married his maid; but not so secret, but it was blown abroad▪ That morning Tarlton and others walking in the Fair to visit his familiar friends of London, & being in company of Bristol men, they did see M. Sunbanke coming, who had his property with his neck, not to stir it any way but to turn body and all. It chanced at the Fair end, he stood to piss against a wall: to whom Tarlton came, and clapping him on the shoulder, God give you joy of your marriage, says he, M. Sunbanke, being taken pissing against the wall would have looked back to thank him, and suddenly turns about body and all in the view of many, and showed all: which so abashed him that (ashamed) he took into a Tavern, protesting that he had rather have spent ten pound. Sure (said the Vintner) the fault is in your neck, which will not turn without the body's assistance, and not in M. Tarlton. Call you him M. Tarlton, says M. Sunbanke? Yea, Sir, says the Vintner, he is the Queen's jester. He may be whose jester he will been, but this jest agrees not with me at this time, says M. Sunbanke. A jest broke of Tarlton by a Country Gentleman. IN the country where the Queen's Players were accepted into a Gentleman's house, the waggon unlading of the apparel, the waggoner comes to Tarlton, and doth desire him to speak to the Steward for his horses. I will, says he: and coming to the Steward, Sir, says Tarlton, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton at that question suddenly answered, If it please you, or them, let them walk a turn or two, or there is a fair garden, let them play a game or two at bowls in the Alley: and departs thence about his other business. Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward not quiet, tells to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven Tarlton to a non plus with a jest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which a Servingman loving Tarlton well, run and told him as much. Tarlton, to add fuel to the fire, and loath to rest thus put off with a jest, goes and gets two of the horses into the garden, & turns them into the bowling Alley, who with their heels made havoc: being the Gentleman's only pastime. The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley▪ call the Knight, who cries out to Tarlton, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing Sir, says he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender, a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowls run, run▪ your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which though they smiled, yet the Steward had no thanks for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, and they could not blame Tarlton, who did but as he was hidden. But by this jest, oats and hay, stable room, and all, was plenty. How Tarlton made one of his company utterly forswear drunkenness. AT Salisbury, Tarlton and his fellows were to play before the Mayor & his brethren: but one of his company (a young man) was so drunk, that he could not: whereat Tarlton, as mad angry, as he was mad drunk, claps me on his legs a huge pair of bolts. The fellow dead asleep, felt nothing. When all was done, they conveyed him to the jail on a man's back, and entreated the jailer to do God good service, and let him lie there till he waked. While they were about their sport the fellow waked, & finding himself in durance, and the jail hung round with bolts & shackles, he began to bless himself, & thought sure in his drunkenness he had done some mischief. With that he called to know, but none came to him: then he thought verily his fault was capital, and that he was close prisoner. By and by comes the Keeper, and moaned him, that one so young should come to so shameful a death as hanging. Anon another comes, and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle. But at last comes Tarlton, and others, entreating the Keeper, yet if it might be, that they might see their fellowere they went. But he very hardly was entreated. But at length the poor drunken Signior called out for them. In they come. Oh Tom, says Tarlton, hard was thy hap, in drunkenness to murder this honest man, & our hard hap too, to have it reported, any of our company is hanged for it. O God, O God, says the fellow, is my fault so great? then commend me to all my friends. Well short tale to make, the fellow forswore drunkenness, if he could escape, and by as cunning a wile (to his thinking) they got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who was not a little glad to be gone. But see how this jest wrought: by little & little the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time altered his desire of drunkenness. How Tarlton saved his head from cutting off. TArlton upon a time being in the Country, and lodging in an homely Inn, during which time there was a Gentleman dwelling in the same town, somewhat frantic and distraught of his wits: which madman on a sudden rushed into Tarlton's bedchamber, with his sword drawn, and finding him there in bed, would have slain him: saying, Villain, were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knave's head at one blow? Tarlton answered. Tut, Sir, that's nothing with your Worship to do: you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow, as one: wherefore, if you please, I'll go down and call up another, and so you may strike off both our heads at once. The mad man believed him, and so let him slip away. How Tarlton escaped imprisonment. TArlton having been dominéering very late one night, with two of his friends, and coming homewards along Cheapside, the watch being then set, M. Constable asked, Who goes there? Three merry men, quoth Tarlton. That is not sufficient. What are you, qd. M. Constable? Why, says Tarlton, one of us is an eye-maker, and the other a light-maker. What sayest thou, knave, dost mock me? the one is an eye-maker, the other a light-maker, which two properties belong unto God only: commit these blasphemers, quoth the constable. Nay, I pray you good M. Constable, be good in your Office, I will approve what I have said, to be true qd. Tarlton. If thou canst says the Constable, you shall pass, otherwise you shall be all three punished. Why (qd. Tarlton) this fellow is an ey-maker, because a Spectacle-maker; and this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes your darkest night as light as your Lantern. The Constable seeing them so pleasant, was well contented. The rest of the watchmen laughed: & Tarlton with his two companions went home quietly. How Tarlton deceived a Country Wench. THe Queen's players travelling into the west Country to play, and lodging in a little village, some ten miles from Bristol, in which village dwelled a pretty nutbrown Lass, to whom Tarlton made proffer of marriage, protested, that he came from London purposely to marry her. The simple maid being proud to been beloved by such a one whom she knew to been the Queen's man, without more entreaty, yielded: and being both at the Church together, and M. Parson ready to perform his duty, and coming to the words of, I Richard take thee joan: nay, stay good Master Parson, I will go and call my fellows, and come to you again: so going out of the Church in haste, he returned at leisure; for, having his horse ready saddled, he road toward Bristol, and by the way told his fellows of his success with his Wench. How Tarlton went to kill Crows. IT chanced upon a time, as Tarlton went forth with a Birding piece into the fields to kill Crows, he spied a Daw sitting in a tree, at which he meant to shoot; but at the same instant, there came one by, to whom he spoke in this manner: Sir quoth he, yonder I see a Daw, which I will shoot at if she sit. If she sit, said the other, than she is a Daw indeed: but, quoth Tarlton, if she sit not, what is she then? Marry, quoth the other, a Daw also: at which words she immediately flew away: whereupon, Tarlton spoke merrily in a Rhyme, as followeth: Whether a Daw sit, or whether a Daw fly, Whether a Daw stand, or whether a Daw lie, Whether a Daw creep, or whether a Daw cry, In what case soever a Daw persever, A Daw is a Daw, and a Daw shall be ever. How a poor Begger-man overreached Tarlton by his wit. AS Tarlton upon a day sat at his own door, to him came a poor old man & begged a penny for the Lords sake: whereupon Tarlton having no single money about him, asked the beggar what money he had? No more money, Master, but one single penny. Tarlton, being merrily disposed called for his penny, and having received it, gave it to his Boy to fetch a pot of Ale: whereat the beggar grew blank, and began to gather up his wits, how to get it again: the pot of Ale, for the beggar's penny, being brought, he proffered to drink to the Beggar. Nay, stay awhile Master, quoth the Beggar, the use is, where I was borne, that he that pays for the drink, must drink first. Thou sayest well, quoth Tarlton; go to, Drink to me then. Whereupon the beggar took the Pot, saying, Here, Master, I drink to you, (& therewithal drank off every drop.) Now Master, if you will pledge me, send for it as I have done. Tarlton seeing himself so overreached, greatly commended the Beggar's wit, and withal in recompense thereof, gave him a Taster: with that the Beggar said, that he would most truly pray to God for him. No, answered Tarlton, I pray thee pray for thyself, for I take no usury for almesdéeds. Of Tarlton's pleasant answer to a Gallant by the highway side. IT was Tarlton's occasion another time to ride into Suffolk, being furnished with a very lean large horse: and by the way, a lusty Gallant met him; and in mockage asked him, what a yard of his horse was worth? Marry Sir, quoth Tarlton, I pray you alight, and lift up my horse's Tail, and they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard. How Tarlton would have drowned his Wife. Upon a time, as Tarlton and his Wife, (as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storm arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon, the Captain thereof charged every man to throw into the Seas the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship. Tarlton, that had his Wife there, offered to throw her overboard: but the company rescued her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to do? he answered, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her. How Tarlton made his Will and Testament. OF late there was a Gentleman living in England, that wheresoever he dined, would of every dish coney a modicum thereof into his Gown sleeve: which Gentleman being upon a time at dinner at a Gentleman's house in the Country, there he used his aforesaid quality, in the company of Master Tarlton, who perceiving it, said thus unto the company: My Masters, I am now determined before you all, to make my last Will and Testament: And first, I bequeath my soul to God my Creator, and my body to be buried in the sleeve of yonder Gentleman's Gown, and with that, stepping to him, he turned up the Gown sleeve, whereout, here dropped a bit, and there a bit, with choice of much other good cheer, still shaking it, saying, I meant this sleeve, Gentleman, this sleeve I meant. How Tarlton called a Gentleman knave by craft. WIthin a while after, as the same Gentleman and Tarlton passed thorough a field together, a Crow in a Tree cried Kaw, Kaw, See yonder Tarlton, quoth the Gentleman yonder Crow calleth thee knave. No, Sir (he answered) he beckons to your Worship as the better man. Tarlton's jest of a Country Wench. TArlton going towards Hogsdon, met a country maid coming to market, her Mare stumbling, down she fell over and over, showing all that ever God sent her, and then rising up again, she turned her round about unto Master Tarlton, and said, God's body Sir, Did you ever see the like before? No, in good sooth, quoth Tarlton, never but once in London. How Tarlton deceived an Inneholder at Sandwich. Upon a time, when the Players were put to silence, Tarlton & his Boy frollickt so long in the Country, that all their money was gone, and being a great way from London, they knew not what to do; but as want is the whetstone of wit, Tarlton gathered his conceits together, and practised a trick to bear him up to London without money, and thus it was: Unto an Inn in Sandwich they went, and there lay for two days at great charge, although he had no money to pay for the same: the third morning he bade his man go down, and malcontent himself before his host and his hostess, and mumbling say to himself, Lord, Lord, what a scald Master do I serve? this it is to serve such Seminary Priests and Jesuits: now even as I am an honest Boy, I'll leave him in the lurch, and shift for myself: here's ado about Penance and Mortification, as though (forsooth) Christ hath not died enough for all. The Boy mumbled out these his instructions so dissembling, that it struck a jealously in the Inneholders' heart, that out of doubt his master was a Seminary Priest; whereupon, he presently sent for the Constable, and told him all the foresaid matter & so went up both together to attach Tarlton in his chamber, who purposely had shut himself close in, and betaken him to his knees, & to his crosses, to make the matter seem more suspicious: which they espying through the keyhole, made no more ado, but in they rushed, & arrested him for a Seminary Priest, discharged his score, bore his, & his boys charges up to London, and there in hope to have rich rewards, presented him to M. Fleetwood, the old Recorder of London: but now mark the jest; when the Recorder saw Tarlton, and knew him passing well, entertained him very courteously, and all to befooled the Inneholder, & his mate, and sent them away which fleas in their ears: but when Tarlton saw himself discharged out of their hand he stood jesting and pointing at their folly, and so taught them by cunning, more wit and thrift against another time. Of Tarlton's Wrongful accusation. Upon a time Tarlton was wrongfully accused for getting of a Gentleman's Maid with child and for the same, brought before a justice in Kent, which justice said as followeth: It is a marvel (M. Tarlton) that you being a Gentleman of good quality, and one of her Majesty's servants, would venture thus to get Maids with child. Nay rather (quoth Tarlton) were it marvel, if a maid had gotten me with child. Tarlton deceived by a Country wench. TArlton travelling to play abroad, was in a Town where in the Inn was a pretty maid, whose favour was placed in a corner of Tarlton's affection: and talking with her, she appointed to meet him at the bottom of a pair of stairs. Night and the hour came, and the maid subtly sent down her Mistress: whom Tarlton catching in his arms, Art come, wench, says he? Out alas, says the Mistress, not knowing who it was. Tarlton hearing it was the Mistress, start aside, and the maid came down with a candle, and she espied a glimpse of Tarlton in the dark, who stepped into another room. How now, Mistress, said the maid? Something (said she) affrighted me, some man sure, for I heard him speak. No, no, Mistress, said the Maid, it is no man, it was a Bull calf that I shut into a room, till john our Pounder came to have pounded him for a stray. Had I thought that (saith she) I would have bit him such a knock on his forehead, that his horns should never have graced his Coxcomb, and so she departs up again afra●id. But how Tarlton took this jest, think you. How Tarlton could not abide a Cat, and deceived himself. IN the Country Tarlton told his Oastesse he was a Conjurer. O sir (says she) I had pewter stolen off my shelf the other day, help me to it, and I will forgive you all the pots of Ale you owe me, which is sixteen dozen. Says Tarlton, To morrow morning the Devil shall help you to it, or I will trounce him. Morning came, and the Oastesse and he met in a room by themselves. Tarlton, to pass the time with exercise of his wit, with Circles and tricks falls to conjure, having no more skill than a dog. But see the jest, how contrarily it fell out: as he was calling out, mons, pons, simul & fons, and such like, a Cat (unexpected) leapt from the gutter window, which sight so amazed Tarlton, that he skipped thence, & threw his Hostess down, so that he departed with his fellows, and left her hip out of joint, being then in the Surgeon's hands, and not daring to tell how it came. How Tarlton and his Oastesse of Waltham met. TArlton riding with diverse Citizens his friends, to make merry at Waltham, by the way he met with his Oastesse riding toward London, whom he of old acquaintance saluted. She demands whither they went? Tarlton told her, to make merry at Waltham. Sir (says she) then let me request your company at my house at the Christopher, and (for old familiarity) spend your money there. Not unless you go back (says Tarlton) we will else go to the Hound. But she (loath to lose their custom) sent to London by her man, & goes back with them, who by the way had much mirth, for she was an exceeding merry honest woman, yet would take any thing: which Tarlton hearing, as wise as he was (thinking her of his mind) he was deceived: yet he asked her if the biggest bed in her house were able to hold two of their bigness (meaning himself & her?) Yes (says she) and tumble up and down at pleasure. Yea, one upon another, says Tarlton? And under too, says she. Well, to have their custom, she agreed to every thing, like a subtle Oastesse: and it fell so out that Tarlton having her in a room at her house, asked her which of those two beds were big enough for them two? This, said she: therefore go to bed sweetheart, I'll come to thee. Mass (says Tarlton) were my Boots off, I would indeed. I'll help you, Sir (says she) if you please. Yea (thought Tarlton) is the wind in that door? come on then. And she very diligently begins to pull, till one boot was half off. Now (says she) this being hard to do, let me try my cunning on the other, and so get off both. But having both half off his legs, she left him alone in the Shoemaker's stocks, and got her to London, where Tarlton, was three hours, and had no help. But being eased of his pain, he made this Rhyme for a Theme, singing of it all the way to London: Women are Wanton, and hold it no sin, By tricks and devices to pull a man in. Tarlton's meeting with his Country acquaintance at Ilford. ON a Sunday, Tarlton road to Ilford, where his father kept: and dining with him at his Sisters, there came in diverse of the Country to see him, amongst whom was one plain Country plough-iogger, who said he was of Tarlton's kin, & so called him cousin. But Tarlton demanded of his father if it were so? but he knew no such matter; whereupon says Tarlton, whether he be of my kin or no, I will be cousin to him ere we part, if all the drink in Ilford will do it. So upon this they caroused freely, & the Clown was then in his Cue so that (in brief) they were both in sound. Night came & Tarlton would not let his cousin go, but they would lie together that night, meaning to drink at their departure next morning. Tarlton would by wit leave him in the lash, since power would not. But see the jest: That night the plain fellow so pissed Tarlton in his bed, thinking he had been against the Church wall, that he was fain to cry for a fresh shirt to shift him▪ So when all was well, they must needs drink at parting: where indeed (to seal kindred sound) the fellow h●d his load: for hearing that his cousin Tarlton, was gone to London, zounds he would follow, that he would, none could hold him: and meaning to go towards London, his aim was so good, that he went towards Rumford to sell his Hogs. How a Maid drove Tarlton to a Nonplus. TArlton meeting with a wily Country wench, who gave him quip for quip; Sweet heart (said he) would my flesh were in thine. So would I, Sir (says she) I would your nose were in my, I know where. Tarlton angered at this, said no more; but goes forward. Tarlton's answer to a question. ONe asked Tarlton why Monday was called Sundays fellow? Because he is a saucy fellow (says Tarlton) to compare with that holy day. But if may be, Monday thinks himself Sundays fellow, because it follows Sunday, and is next after: but he comes a day after the Fair for that. Nay (says the fellow) but if two Sundays fall together, Monday then may be the first, and it would show well too. Yes (says Tarlton) but if thy nose stood under thy mouth, it would show better, and be more for thy profit. How for my profit, said the fellow? Marry (said Tarlton) never to be cold in winter, being so near every dog's tail. The fellow seeing a foolish question had a foolish answer, laid his legs on his neck, and got him gone. Tarlton's desire of enough for money. TArlton coming into a Market town bought Oats for his horse, and desired enough for money: the man said. You shall, Sir and gave him two half pecks for one. Tarlton thought his Horse should that night fare largely, and comes to him with this Rhyme: jack Nag, he brag, and lusty brave it, I have enough for money, and thou shalt have it. But when jack Nag smelled to them, they were so musty, that he would none (God thank you, Master) which Tarlton seeing, runs into the Market, and would slash and cut. But till the next Market day the fellow was not to be found, and before then Tarlton must be gone. How Tarlton's Dog licked up six pence. TArlton in his Travail had a Dog of fine qualities, amongst the rest, he would carry six pence in the end of his tongue, of which he would brag often, and say, Never was the like. Yes, says a Lady, mine is more strange, for he will bear a French crown in his mouth: no, says Tarlton, I think not: lend me a French crown, says the Lady, and you shall see: truly Madam, I have it not but if your dog will carry a cracked English crown, here if is but the Lady perceived not the jest, but was desirous to see the dog's trick of six pence. Tarlton threw down a taster, and said, Bring Sirrah: and by fortune the Dog took up a Counter, and let the money lie: a Gentlewoman by, seeing that, asked him how long he would hold it? An hour, says Tarlton: that is pretty, said the Gentlewoman, let's see that: mean time she took up the six pence, and willed him to let them see the money again: when he did see it, it was a Counter, and he made this Rhyme. Alas, alas, how came all this to pass? The worlds worse than it was: For silver turns to brass. ay, says the Lady, & the dog hath made his master an Ass: but Tarlton would never trust to his Dog's tricks more. Tarlton's jest of a Horse and a Man. IN the City of Norwich, Tarlton was on a time invited to an hunting: where there was a goodly Gentlewoman, that bravely mounted on a black horse, road exceeding well, to the wonder of all the beholders, and neither hedge nor ditch stood in her way, but Pegasus her horse (for so may we term him for swiftness) flew over all, and she sat him aswell. When every one returned home, some at Supper commended his Hound, others his Hawk, and she above all, her Horse: and, said she, I love no living creature so well (at this instant) as my gallant horse: yes Lady, a man better, says Tarlton. Indeed no, said she, not now: For since my last husband died, I hate them most, unless you can give me medicines to make me love them. Tarlton made this jest instantly: Why, a Horse mingeth Whey, Madam, a Man mingeth Amber, A Horse is for your Way, Madam, but a man for your Chamber. God a mercy, Tarlton, said the men: which the Gentlewoman noting, seeing they took exceptions at her words, to make all well, answered thus: That a Horse is my chief opinion now, I deny not, And when a man doth me more good in my chamber, I him defy not. But till then give me leave to love something: than something will please you, said Tarlton, I am glad of that, therefore I pray God send you a good thing, or none at all. Tarlton's talk with a pretty Woman. GEntlewoman, said Tarlton, and the rest as you sit, I can tell you strange things: now many Gallants at Supper noted one woman, who being little and pretty, to unfit her prettiness, had a great wide mouth, which she seeming to hide, would pinch in her speeches, and speak small, but was desirous to hear news. Tarlton told at his coming from London to Norwich, a Proclamation was made that every man should have two wives. now jesus, qd. she is it possible? I Gentlewoman, and other wise able too, for contrarily women have a larger preeminence, for every woman must have three husbands: Now jawsus, said the Gentlewoman, and with wonder shows the full wideness of her mouth, which all the table smiled at: which she perceiving, would answer no more. Now Mistress, said, Tarlton, your mouth is less than ever it was, for now it is able to say nothing. Thou art a cogging Knave, said she. Mass, and that is something yet, said Tarlton, your mouth shall be as wide as ever it was, for that jest. A jest of Tarlton to a great man. THere was a great huge man, 3. yards in the waist, at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, that died but of late days (one M. Blague by name) & a good kind justice too, careful for the poor, this justice met with Tarlton in Norwich: Tarlton, said he, Give me thy hand: But, you Sir, being richer, may give me a greater gift, give me your body: and embracing him, could not half compass him: being merry in talk, said the justice: Tarlton, tell me one thing, what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse? Marry, Sir; said Tarlton, as much and like difference, as 'twixt you and me: I like a Flea see else) can skip nimbly: But you, like a fat Louse creep slowly, and you can go no faster, though Butchers are over you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knave, quoth the justice.. ay, Sir, I knew that ere I came hither, else I had not been here now, for ever one knave (making a stop) seeks out another. The justice understanding him▪ laughed heartily. Tarlton's jest to a maid in the dark. TArlton going in the dark, groping out his way, hears the tread of some one to meet him. Who goes there, says he? A man, or a monster? said the maid, A monster: said Tarlton, A candle ho: and seeing who it was, Indeed said he, A monster, I'll be sworn: for thy teeth are longer than thy herd, O Sir, said the maid, speak no more than you see, for women go invisible now adays. Tarlton's jest to a Dog. TArlton and his fellows, being in the Bishop of Worcester's Seller, and being largely laid to, Tarlton had his rouse, and going through the streets, a Dog (in the middle of the street, asleep, on a dunghill) seeing Tarlton reel on him, on the sudden barked, How now Dog, says Tarlton, are you in your humours? and many days after it was a byword to a man being drunk, that he was in his humours. FINIS.