The womens' sharp revenge: Or an answer to Sir seldom Sober that writ those railing Pamphelets called the juniper and crabtree Lectures, &c.  
Being a sound Reply and a full confutation of those books: with an Apology in this case for the defence of us women.  
Performed by Mary Tattle-well, and Joane Hit-him-home, Spinsters.  
Imprinted at London by I. O. and are to be sold by Ia. Becket at his shop in the inner Temple-gate. 1640.   

The Epistle of the Female Frailty, to the Mal-Gender, in general.  
Reader,  
IF thou be'st of the Masculine sex, we mean thee, and thee only: and therefore greet thee with these attributes following: Affable, Loving, kind, and Courteous: Affable we call thee, because so apt (I will not say to prate but) to prattle with us: Loving, in regard that the least grace being from us granted, you not only vow to love us, but are loath to leave us: kind, that you will not meet with us, without congees, not part from us without Kisses: and Courteous, because so willing to bring yourselves upon your Knees before us: more prone to bow unto Beauty, than to Baal; and to Idolatrize to us, rather than unto any other idol: and therefore our hope is, that what you use to protest in private, you will not now blush to profess in public: Otherwise in clearing our Cause, and vindicating our own virtues we shall not doubt to divulge you, for the only dissemblers.  
And in this case we appeal unto your own Consciences, even to the most crabbed and censorious, the most sour and supercilious, which of you all hath not solicited our sex? petitioned to our persons? praised our perfections? &c. which of you hath not met us coming, followed us flying, guarded us going, stayed for us standing, waited on us walking and ambushed us lying? use women to Court men? or have we at any time complained of their coyness? Have we bribed them with our Bounties? Troubled them with our Tokens, poetized in their praises, prayed and protested, su'd and solicited, voted, and vowed to them? or rather they to us: would you apprehend a new Antipodes, to make all things to be carried by a contrary course, and run retrograde.  
Then let the radish root pluck the gardener up by the heels, and the shoulder of Mutton put the cook upon the Spit: for you as well may prove the one, as produce the other.  
Yet suffer you us to be reviled, and railed at, taunted & terrified, undervalved, and even vilified, when among you all we cannot find one Champion to oppose so obstinate a Challenger, but that we are compelled to call a Ghost from her Grave, to stand up in the defence of so proud a defiance. Since than you will not be Combatants for us in so just a cause, we entreat you to become competent judges, to censure indifferently betwixt the Accuser, and the Accused; to punish his petulancy, and not to favour us, if we be found the sole faulty.  
So, if you shall give our defamer his due, and that we gain the Honour of the Day: If you be young men, we wish you modest maids in marriage; if bachelors, beautiful Mistresses; If Husbands, handsome wives, and good huswives: If widowers, wife, and wealthy widows: if young, those that may delight you; if old, such as may comfort you: and so we women bequeathe unto you all our best wishes.  
From our manor of Make-peace: Dated the third day of Gander-month, in the year of jubilee, not of juniper. Mary Tattle-well. Joan Hit▪ him-home. Spinsters.   

The Epistle to the Reader. Long Meg of Westminster, hearing the abuse offered to Women, riseth out of her grave, and thus speaketh:  
WHy raise you quiet souls out of the grave?  
To trouble their long sleep? what peevish Knave  
Hath wakened my dead ashes? and breathed fire  
Into cold embers? never to respire,  
Till a new resurrection? so forced now:  
(Through innocent womens' clamours) that I vow,  
Th'earth could not hold me, but I was compelled  
To look on what ('tis long since I beheld)  
The Sun and Day; what have we women done,  
That any one who was a mother's son  
Should thus affront our sex? hath he forgot  
From whence he came? or doth he seek to blot  
His own conception? Is he not ashamed,  
Within the list of mankind to be named?  
Or is there in that Masculine sex another  
(Saving this Monster) will disgrace his mother?  
I Margery, and for my upright stature  
Surnamed Long Meg: of well disposed nature,  
And rather for mine honour, than least scorn  
Titled from Westminster, because there borne.  
And so Long Meg of Westminster; to hear  
Our fame so branded, could no way forbear  
But rather than digest so great a wrong,  
Must to my ashes give both life and tongue.  
And then (Poor Poet) whatsoever thou be'st,  
That in my now discovery, thy fault seest.  
Confess thine error, fall upon thy knees,  
From us, to beg thy pardon by degrees.  
Else, I that with my sword and buckler durst  
Front swaggering Ruffians, put them to the worst.  
Of whom, the begging soldier, when he saw  
My angry brow, trembled, and stood in awe.  
I that have frighted Fencers from the Stage,  
(And was indeed, the wonder of mine Age)  
For I have often, to abate their prides,  
Cudgeled their coats, & lammed their legs and sides.  
Cross me no Tapster durst at any rate,  
Lest I should break his Jugs about his pate.  
'Tis known the service that I did at Boulogne,  
Beating their French arms close unto their woollein:  
They can report, that with my blows and knocks  
I made their bones ache, worse than did the Pocks.  
Of which King Henry did take notice then,  
And said; amongst my brave and valiant men,  
I know not one more resolute, or bolder,  
And would have laid his sword upon my shoulder,  
But that I was a woman: And shall I  
Who durst so proud an Enemy defy?  
So famed in field, so noted in the Frenches,  
A precedent to all our British Wenches,  
Fear to affront him; or his soul to vex,  
Who dares in any terms, thus taunt our sex?  
Therefore relent thine error I advise thee  
Else in what shape soe'er thou shalt disguise thee,  
I shall inquire thee out: nay, if thou should  
Take on thee all those figures Proteus could,  
It were in vain: nay, (which the more may daunt thee)  
Even to the grave; I vow my ghost shall haunt thee.  
Therefore, what's yet amiss, strive to amend,  
Thou knowest thy doom, if farther thou offend.   

The Table, and Heads of this book.  

THe Introduction. p. 1  
The Title which we women do bestow upon our godson, the Author of those Lectures. p. 3  
The Names of those books which we women do answer and object against. p. 4  
First opinion of the ●ury of women at their first meeting. p. 11  
The Names of those Women which are chosen for the Jury. p. 12  
Their opinion of what trade the Author is, or was. p. 14  
First they find him no scholar: and they prove him to be none. p. 16  
Wherein his failing is. p. 17  
He is quite out in all the Cases. p. 18  
First, in the nominative, Secondly, in the Genative, and so in all the rest of the Cases. p. 20  
He is no Poet. p. 21  
He is found guilty of detraction. p. 27    

The womens' sharp Revenge: OR, An Answer to Sir seldom Sober, that writ those scandelous Pamphlets, called the juniper and crabtree Lectures.  
AS from several causes proceed sundry effects, 
The Introduction▪  so from several actions arise sundry honours with the addition of Names and Titles annexed unto them: neither need we stand to prove that by argument, which we find by daily experience. As for example, some are raised for their wealth, others for their worth; some by the Law, others by their learning: Some by martial Discipline; and (by your favour too) others for malicious detraction, as thinking to rise by others ruins, and by supplanting others, to support themselves. In which number we must rank you Master satirist, the passionate Author of those most pitiful pamphlets called the iuniper Lectures, and crabtree Lectures; who by your mere Knavery, ambitious to purchase knighthood, & to add a sir-reverence to your name, 
A Title Which we women bestow upon our Godson, the Author of those Lectures.  are now arrived to the height of your aim, and from plain seldom Sober, are now come to the Title of Sir seldom Sober, who we term so, for he is ashamed to set his name to books; a Name fitting his Nature, and well complying with his condition.  
And as there have been formerly, by your means, Sir seldom Sober, many railing, bitter, invective Pasquil's, and Scurrilous Libels, some written, some printed, and all dispersed and scattered abroad, all of them made and forged on purpose to callumniate, revile, despite, jeer, and flout women: and now lately one or two of the sons of Ignorance have penned three several, 
The iuniper crabtree, and wormwood Lectures.  sweet, filthy, fine ill-favoured Pamphlets, which are Printed, and (out of the most deep shallowness of the Authors abundant want of wisdom) they are called Lectures, 
And a new Lecture called the Bolster Lecture.  as the Juniper Lecture, the crabtree Lecture, & the wormwood Lecture, wherein they have laid most false aspersions upon all women generally: some they have taxed with incontinency, some with uncivility, some with scolding, some with drinking, some with backbiting and slandering their neighbours, some with a continual delight in lying, some with an extraordinary desire of perpetual gossiping: in a word, we are each of us accused and blazed to be addicted and and frequently delighted with one grievous enormity or other, wherein, although it be true, that we are all the daughters of Eve in frailty, yet they might have remembered that they likewise are all the sons of Adam, in failing, falling, & offending. We are not so partial in the defence of all womens' virtues, that we thereby do hold none to be vicious. Some are incontinent by Nature (or inheritance) from their Mothers; some through extreme want and poverty have been forced to make more bold with that which is their own, then to beg, steal, or borrow from others: Some (by the harsh usage of their too unkind husbands) have been driven to their shifts hardly; some having had the hard fortune to match with such coxcombs, as were jealous without a cause, have by their suspicious, dogged, and crabbed dealing towards their wives, given too often, and too much cause to make their jealousy true. And whereas a woman's reputation is so poor, that if it be but so much as suspected, it will belong before the suspicion will be cleared: but if it be once blemished or tainted, the stains and spots are of such a tincture, that the dye of the blemishes will stick to her all her life time, and to her Children after her. But for the man he takes or assumes to himself such a loose liberty, or liberty of licentious looseness, that though he be (as they call it) a Common town. Bull, or a runner at sheep though he pass the censures of spiritual courses, or high Commissions, yet (by custom) his disgrace will be quickly worn out, and say it was but a trick of youth: 
Nay rather a whoremunger.  for the shame or scandal of a whoremaster is like a nine days' wonder, or a Record written in sand, or like a suit of Tiffany, or Cobweb lawn, soon worn out: but the faults of a weak Woman, are a continual alarum against her, they are engraven in brass, and like a suit of buff, it may be turned, and scoured and scraped, and made a little cleanly, but it lasts the whole life time of the wearer. But to come to the work in hand, as you you have a Title bestowed upon you by your back friends, and we think deservedly.  
So we have known some, who have arrived to that worshipful Title through favour also, rather than desert, and more by voices than their virtues, merely by the mad sufrage of the many headed monster Multitude, which consisteth of Man: yet upon better advice, and more Mature Consideration, when their merits and misdemeanours have been more narrowly sifted, and looked into (being well compared together) they have not only been disgraced, but degraded: so that now that worshipful work for which you have been so much magnified by the Masculines, being now called into question by a Feminine Jury of women. 
The first opinion of the jury of women.  It is thought after a true and just examination thereof to be merely vilified, and that it is nothing but a mere scandalous report, and therefore most justly condemned by the unanimous assent of all our sex; before whom, your Bartholomew fair book, and most lying Lectures, hath not only been convented, but arraigned, lawfully convicted, and most justly condemned.  
Now because no equal and indifferent censure shall any way justly except at the jury that went upon the cause: they were these. Twelve good women and true which will give you in order.  

The 12 women which are chosen for the jury.  The fore-woman, who had the first and prime voice, who gave up the Verdict, was Cicely set him out, Sarah set on his skirts, Kate call him to account, Tomasin Tickle him, Prudence pinch him, Frank firk him, Bess bind him, Christian Commit him, Parnel punish him, Mall make him yield, Beterish banish him, Helen Hang him.  
Now if this be not a competent jury, not to be excepted at, and a legal trial, no way to be revoked, we appeal unto you men, our greatest adversaries, and most violent abaters of our injuries.  
And yet further to make the cause more plain and evident of our sides, we thought it good in our better consideration, not only to publish unto the world, the calumnies and slanders aspersed upon us: But our just Articles objected against him, and by comparing them together, to distinguish so betwixt them, that the truth may grow apparent.  

Their opinion of what profession the Author was.  But first touching the person who put these foul and and calumnious aspersions upon us: If he were a tailor, most sure he was a woman's tailor, or (if so) no good Artist, because not being able to take the measure of a woman's body, much less was he powerful to make a true dimension of her mind, (and therein you are gone Master Tailor) nay, what Artist soever you were, (for in one I include all) most of you have Wives and Children, and love them, and are indulgent over them, and wherefore then do you encourage such invectives against us? If you being of yourselves lewd, we be loving: we well tutored, you untoward: we familiar you froward: we doting, and you dogged: and what we get by spinning in the day, you spend in the night, and come reeling from the tavern or the Alehouse: Is the fault ours? or are we worthy any to be blamed for this?  

First they find him no scholar.  Next in our Curious Inquisition and search, we find him moreover to be no scholar at all, as neither understanding us in our Gender, Number, nor Case, &c.  

They prove him to be none  Not in one Gender, for in all the Creatures that were ever made, there is a mutual love, and an alternate affection betwixt the Male and the Female: for otherwise there would be no Generation at all. But this most approved consociety▪ by all his industry and endeavour he striveth to annihilate, and disannul, forgetting that even he himself by the same Unity and Unanimity, had his first original and being.  
Then he faileth in Number, 
Wherein his failing is.  by making all of us in general, not only to be wayward, but wicked, tedious, but troublesome, lazy, but loathsome, with many of the like enormities: and indeed we know not what his inveterate malice or madness would stretch unto: when, if perchance there may be found a singular Number of such delinquents, yet there may be a plural, (and that stretcheth beyond all limit and account) who never transgressed; or fell into those gross errors, of which he so satirically accuseth our sex.  

He is quite out in all the Cases  But in our Cases he is most horrible out, and directly opposeth all the Rules of grammar. For instance.  

First, in the nominative.  In the nominative, by calling us out of our Names, and in the stead of Maidenly Modest, Matron-like, &c. to brand us with the Characters of scolds, vixens, praters, pratlers, and all the abusive epithets that spleen or malice can invent, or devise.  
In the Genetive, 
Second, in the Genetive.  by making us to be loose, lascivious, wanton, wilful, inconstant, incontinent, and the Mothers of misbegotten Children, by which he unadvisedly bringeth himself within the doubtful suspicion of spuriousness and Bastardy.  
In the Dative, 
Third, in the Dative  by giving and conferring upon our geneneral Sex, such strange and almost unheard of aspersions: which as we have little desired, so we never deserved, forgetting that he includeth his Mother, Sisters, & Nieces, Daughters; nay, his own bosom wife, (if he have any in the same Catalogue.)  

Fourth, in the Accusative.  In the Accusative, by false calumnies, and injust Accusation contrary to all scholarship: as ignorant, that Foemineo generi tribuuntur— Propria quae maribus.  

Fifth, in the Vocative.  In the Vocative, because it is like to the nominative.  

Sixt, in the Ablative.  In the Ablative, because he striveth to take away our credits, reputations, Fame, good Name, &c. All which argue, and approve, that he was in a bad mood, and worse tense at the Writing of those malicious Lectures.  
A Poet sure he could not be: 
He is no Poet.  for not one of them but with all his industry strived to celebrate the praises of some Mistress or other: as for example, Amongst the greeks, Arisophanes, Meander, &c. Amongst the Romans, Catullus his Lesbir, Gallus his Licoris, and Ovid his Corina. Amongst the Spaniards, George de Monte major his Diana; and Aulius March his Tyresa. Amongst the Italians, Petroch his Laura, &c. And of our own Nation, Learned Master Spencer his Rosalinde, and Sam. Daniel his Delia, &c.  

They make the case plain.  Now to make the case more plain and evident of our sides, we have thought it good to publish unto the World those matters of which he was arraigned, and now justly convicted. The first was scoffing and taunting at our sex in general: now who knows not, but that Quips and scoffs are nothing else but the depraving of the Actions of others, the overflowing of wits, and the superfluous scums of conceit, and for the most partt, asking others of those errors of which themselves stand most guilty; and he that playeth the scoffing fool best, though it may be in him a sign of some wit, yet it is an argument of no wisdom at all. Adders keep their venom in their tails, but the poison of a buffoon lieth in his tongue, and faults wilfully committed by mocking cannot be satisfied, or recompensed by repentance. But better it is for a man to be borrne to be borne foolish, 
Better for a man to be borne foolish, then to employ his wits unwisely.  than to employ his wit unwisely; for mockery is nothing else, but an artificial injury, and we find by proof, that there be more mockers, than well meaners; and more that delight in foolish prating, than that practice themselves in wholesome precepts; we must confess that to jest is tolerable, but to do harm by jesting, is insufferable; for it is too late to prevent ill, after ill committed, or to amend wrong after injury received. Many things that are sweet in the Mouth, may prove bitter in the stomach and scoffs pleasant to the ear, may be harsh to the better understanding. But whosoever shall undertake in his curiosity of Wit, to deride an innocent, either with flattery or foolery, shall but delude himself in his own insufficiency and folly: for as the fairest Beauty may prove faulty, so even the wittiest scoff may prove ridiculous: And nothstanding all those fool's bolts, so fondly aimed, and so suddenly shot, we have this Sentence from one of the Wise men, to comfort us, that loss which is sustained with modesty, is much better than the gain purchased by impudence. Nay, to be accounted a Prince's Jester, is to be esteemed no better than a mere mercenary fool. And this Railer being in a lower rank, as having dependence upon none but his own defamatory Pen, what epithet had enough may we devise to confer upon him; but we remember thus much, since we first read our Accidence.  Quae vult, quae non vult audiet, 
Thus Englished.  
He that to speak will not forbear,  
More (Than he would have spoke) shall hear.  
The second thing of which he standeth convicted, 
The second thing he stands convicted of is Detraction.  is detraction and slander, which is the superfluity of a cankered heart, overcome with Choler, and wanting means and opportunity of desired revenge, grows into scandalous and reproachful speeches. The Testates of Hate and Malice, whose condition is to call Innocence into question, though not able to prove aught against it: and such are worse to us than Vipers, for those when we spy we kill them; but these when we cherish they kill us. It is observed that the corrupt heart discovereth itself by the lewd tongue, and those that speak evil of Women, are held no better than Monsters amongst good men; but such for the most part, who seek to bring others into hatred, have in process of time grown odious even to themselves: but such may be compared to him, which bloweth the powder that flusheth into his own face, and troubleth his seeing: nay, such are said to murder three at once; first, himself, next, him that gives ear to his scandals and reports them after him; and lastly, him whose good name he seeketh to take away; not considering, that Nature hath bestowed upon us two ears, and two eyes, yet but one tongue; which is an emblem unto us, that though we hear and see much, yet ought we to speak but little: They that can keep their Tongues keep their friends; for few words cover much wisdom, and even fools being silent have past for wise men. But the proverb is, that even those that but listen, or give encouragement to scandal, or misreport, deserve to lose their hearing, if not their ears.  
And therefore, gentle Reader, believe not every smooth Tale that is told, neither give too much credit to the plaintiff before you hear the Defendant Apology for himself, lest through light trust thou be deceived, and by thy too easy belief, manifestly deluded.  
But it is the fashion of all these calumniating coxcombs, to bite those by the back, whom they know not how to catch by the bellies.  
The third thing objected, and proved upon him, 
A third thing objected and proved against him.  is palpable lying; against which, the Egyptians made a Law, that who so used it should not live. The like did the Scythians, the Garamants, the Persians, and the Indians. Now how much he hath belied the worthiness of our sex, I appeal to any understanding Reader, who hath purused his books, if he have not branded us with many a false and palpable untruth, as shall be made more apparent hereafter, when we come to the enrowling of his Books, and anatomising his Lectures. But it is an old said Saw, and a true: We cannot better reward a liar, then in not believing any thing that he speaketh: so odious is the very name, that in the opinion of many, a thief may be preferred before him: for it is his property to take upon him the habit and countenance of Honesty, that he may the more secretly insinuate, and more subtly deceive by his Knavery.  
He was indicted also of heresy, and false opinion, 
They indite him of heresy  which hath power to make men arm themselves one against another, and all of them against us. It is borne of wind, and fed by imagination, never judging rightly of any thing as it is indeed, but as it seems to be, making what is probable improvable; and impossibilities, possibilities: nay, it is of such force, that it overthroweth the love betwixt man and wife, Father and Child, Friend and Friend, Master and Servant: nay more, it is as the Spring and fountain of sedition; and who knows not but all sedition is evil, how honest soever the ground be pretended.  
And last of perjury, 
They prove him perjured.  in making breach of that oath which he made when he was first married: for in the stead of taking his Wife to have and to hold, for better and worse: with my body I the worship, with all my worldly goods I thee endow, &c. he hath run a course clean contrary to all this, in taunting and scoffing, baiting and abusing, railing and reviling at all our sex in general, from which number even his wife to whom he vowed all the former, and who nightly sleepeth, or aught to sleep in his bosom, is not excluded: or say that she was of a perverse and turbulent spirit, a crabbed or cursed condition, or a dissolute and devilish disposition. Say that she was given to gadding and gossipping, to revelling or royoting (so that he might very well sing, I cannot keep my Wife at home) or say that, not without just cause, she might make him jealous: what is this to the generality of the Female Gender? one Swallow makes not a Summer: nor for the delinquency of one, are all to be delivered up to censure? As there was a Lais, so there was a Lucrece: And a wise Cornelia, as there was a wanton Corina: And the same sex that hath bred Malefactors, hath brought forth Martyrs.  
An this is an argument which we might amplify even from the original of all History; nay, 
Strong arguments.  and would not spare to do it, had we but the benefit of your breeding.  
But it hath been the policy of all parents, even the beginning, to curb us of that benefit, by striving to keep us under, and to makes us men's mere vassals even unto all posterity. How else comes it to pass, that when a Father hath a numerous issue of sons and Daughters, the sons forsooth they must be first put to the Grammar school, and after perchance sent to the University, and trained up in the liberal Arts and Sciences, and there (if they prove not blockheads) they may in time be book-learned: And what do they then? read the Poets perhaps, out of which, if they can pick out any thing maliciously devised, or malignantly divulged by some mad Muse, discontented with his coy or disdainful Mistress; then in imitation of them, he must devise some passionate elegy, and pitiful ay: and in the stead of picking out the best Poets, who have strived to right us, follow the other, who do nothing but rail at us, thinking he hath done his Mistress praise, when it may be he hath no Mistress at all, but only feigns to himself some counterfeit Phillis, or Amarillis; such as had never any person, but a mere airy name: and against them he must volley out his vain enthusiasms, and Raptures, to the disgrace and prejudice of our whole sex.  

The reason why women are not so learned as men.  When we, whom they style by the name of weaker vessels, though of a more delicate, fine, soft, and more pliant flesh, and therefore of a temper most capable of the best Impression, have not that generous and liberal Educations, lest we should be made able to vindicate our own injuries, we are set only to the Needle, to prick our fingers: or else to the wheel to spin a fair thread for our own undoings, or perchance to some more dirty and deboyst drudgery: If we be taught to read, they then confine us within the compass of our mother's Tongue, and that limit we are not suffered to pass; or if (which sometimes happeneth) we be brought up to music, to singing, and to dancing, it is not for any benefit that thereby we can engross unto ourselves, but for their own particular ends, the better to please and content their licentious appetites, when we come to our maturity and ripeness: and thus if we be weak by Nature, they strive to makes us more weak by our Nurture. And if in degree of place low, they strive by their policy to keep us more under.  
Now to show we are no such despised matter as you would seem to make us, come to our first Creation, when man was made of the mere dust of the earth, the woman had her being from the best part of his body, the Rib next to his heart: which difference even in our complexions may be easily decided. Man is of a dull, earthy, and melancholy aspect, having fallowoes in in his face, and a very forest upon his Chin, when our soft and smooth cheeks are a true representation of a delectable garden of intermixed Roses and lilies.  
We grant it for a truth, 
In what the Women agree to.  that as there is no sword made of steel, but it hath Iron: no fire made of the sweetest Wood, but it hath smoke: Nor any Wine made of the choicest Grapes, but it hath Lees: So there is no Woman made of flesh, but she hath some faults. And I pray you are there any men, who are not subject to the like frailties.  

aspersions laid upon Women.  Others have said that Closets of womens' thoughts are always open; and the depth of their hearts hath a string that reacheth to their Tongues: and say this be granted, may we not also say of men's breasts that lie unvaild to entertain all vices: and whatsoever they cannot sufficiently twattle with their Tongues, they cannot contain themselves there, but the must publish it with their pens: (one of the grand faults of which our arch Adversary at this present standeth convicted.)  
I have heard from the mouth of the learned, 
Women the true glory of Angels.  that a fair, beautiful, & chaste woman was the perfect Image of her Creator, the true glory of Angels, the rare miracle of Earth, and the sole wonder of the World: 
Women are the best Creatures on earth.  and moreover that the man who is married to a peaceable and virtuous wife, being on earth hath attained Heaven, being in want hath arrived to wealth, being in woe is possessed of weal, and being in care enjoyeth comfort; but contrarily of man, who ever gave such a Noble Character?  
But I will not incist too long upon this argument, though it might be strong there by the authority both of precedent and History, lest we might be Critically taxed of self-love and flattery. And yet that we may make a safe fortification and bulwark against our Adversaries so violent assault and Battery, give us leave to proceed a little further.  
If we be so contemptible grown either in Quality and Condition, 
What brave men have writ in womens' praise.  in Conversation or Deportment, in Name, or Nature, how comes it that so many elaborate pens have been employed in our praise, and there have been such witty Encomiums Writ in our Commendation? such as have swelled Volumes, and enricheth Liberaries. What odes, hymns, lovesongs, and Laudatories, in all kind of sweet measure and number have not been by Poets devised to extol the beauties and virtues of their Mistresses? What power have they not called upon? and what Muse not invoked, that they might give them their full meed & merit? by which only, divers have attained to the honour of the laurel, amongst all Nations, Tongues, and Language in all Frequency from Antiquity. Were it a thing new or rare, or of late birth, it perhaps might be called into some suspicion and question: but carrying with it the reverence of Age, Antiquity, and custom, what can we hold him but some novice in knowledge, and child in understanding, that shall presume or dare any kind of way to contradict it.  
But there are many malevolent and ill disposed persons, who having by all crafty and subtle trains insidiated the chastities as well of maids as Matrons, making no distinction betwixt wives and Matrons, who being disappointed in their ill purpose, by the virtues of of those good Women, whom they thought to vitiate, have presently grown into such a passionate Fury, and melancholy madness, that having no other means to revenge themselves, they have studied how by their tongues to trouble them, or by their pens traduce them: And so, whose bodies they could not compass, their good Names they would corrupt, and of such, this Age affords too many, which (alas the while) makes a great sort of us much to suffer in our reputations: but we again comfort ourselves with this poor cordial, That of sufferance cometh ease: and though truth may be blamed, yet can never be shamed.  
Others there are, 
Other examples.  who of their ill fortune hath been to light upon a bad match, a shrew, a Wanton, or the like, (as there are of all sorts in all sexes) they set down their rest there, and seek no farther, but measure all other men's corn by their own bushel, as thinking none can be rich because he himself is a bankrupt; which is just as if a man that by chance shall cut his finger, should ever after refuse the use of a knife; or having scorched his hand, swear never to warm him at the fire, or having been pinched with a straight shoe, now all his life time to go barefoot.  

If women be so bad, why do men proffer their service & love to them.  Further, if we were such toys and trifles, or so vile and vicious, as our adversary striveth to make the world believe we are; how comes this seeking, this suing; this Courting, this cogging; this prating, this protesting; this vowing, this swearing, but only to compass a smile, a kind look; a favour, or a good word from one of us? can any be so simple to seek his affliction? or so sottish to sue for his own ruin? what fool would trouble himself to find his own torment? or what coxcomb pursue his own confusion? Is he not worse than frantic, that desires his own fall? and more than a mad man that hunteth after his own misery? Then by consequence, if we be apish and waggish, wilful and wanton; such cares, such burdens, such troubles, such torments, such vexation, such Serpents, such Sirens, or such may-games, or rather monsters as you would make of us: 
If men see such dangers in women, why do they not let them alone.  why cannot you let us alone, and leave us to our own weakness and imperfections? if then seeing such palpable danger before your eyes, and you wilfully run into it; if you see Hell gates open, and you violently enter them: are you not more simple than babes and Children? nay than fools, coxcombs, frantics and mad men; epithets attributes not without your own gilt, most justly and deservedly thrown upon you.  
And much good may they do you, I pray you wear them for our sakes as the best favours you have merited from us; whilst we in the interim strive to vindicate our sex from all vainly supposed, but voluntary suggested calumnies.  
We have heard of a gunpowder Treason plotted by men, but never heard since the beginning of the world such a devilish & damned Stratagem devised by women; 
Women were never Actors of gunpowder Treasons.  and yet you are the Masculine milksops that dare do nothing, and we the Feminine undertakers, that dare to enterprise all things. Can you read of any female guilty of the like inhuman acts? or was any one of our sex ever nominated to be conscious of traitorous conspiracy against their King and Country? 
Women have no hand in any Conspiracy.  nay rather, women have been sorry, that through the lusts and importunity of men, they have been forced to be the mothers of such monsters: and therefore Sir seldom Sober, it may be presupposed, that when you writ this bitter invective, you were either in your holiday and hic-up healths, in your bousing Cups, and bouncing Cans; and had got a politic pot in your pate, or you were else in your deadly dumps and drowsy dreams, which were so violent at that time upon you, that they made you destitute of knowledge, and quite void of understanding.  
It is further known, that when men out of their vain ambitious fooleries have commenced war one against the other, 
Women never rebelled, or commenced suits of Law against the King.  when a City hath been besieged, and the faint-hearted men have been ready to give it up to spoil and ransack: The women have stood up, manned and maintained the walls, and stopped and defended the Breaches, 
What brave actions women have performed from time to time.  whilst your brave male Martialists have been ready to bewray their breeches; beat the enemy out of their Trenches, saved their selves from prostitution, their City from desolation, and their Husbands and Children from captivity and bondage.  
Nay more, it is authentically recorded, that when two Provinces of Greece fought together, and the one party fled and gave way to the Enemy: The wives & mothers of these which were distressed stopped them in their flight, and showing themselves naked above the navel, called unto them and rated them for their cowardice, demanding of them whether they went to cover themselves, in the places from whence they first came, and were first conceived, and to be buried where they were borne; at which sight they were so abashed and ashamed, that they took fresh courage; and turning their faces from them upon the enemy, they gained thereby a great and glorious victory.  

The reasons why women are accused for lying.  Some do accuse us to be much given to lying; indeed I must confess it to be a fault in the most of the best Wives: yet I would have our detractor to know that every excuse is not a lie, or if it be, then are most Husbands beholding to their Wives for excusing them too often in lying to save their credits: for alas (Poor wretches) we are fain to hide and cover their faults and imperfections with our poor excuses, as for example; if one of them be cruel, crabbed, and currish, that he will snap, snarl, and bite with his dogged language and conditions, than the poor woman (like a fool) reports him to be a kind, loving, and affectionate husband, ergo she lies; another knows her Husband to be a wicked Whorehunter, and that he doth (in a manner) keep a Trull or two under her nose; yet she will say her Husband is a very honest man: ergo she lies too. A third spends most of his time in drinking or gaming, and his poor wife is so kind, as to acknowledge him for a good painful, sober, and civil Husband, and I am sure she lies abominable. I could insist further into such particulars, but these are sufficient to show that the most part of women being liars, is only out of their goodness to cover the faults and abuses of wicked men.  
Whereas they tax us of incivillity, 
No woman so full of inormities as men are.  I would have any indifferent man or woman to take notice, that it is a very hard winter when one wolf doth eat another, or when the Kill doth upbraid the Oven for being burnt; for though we do not brag, or prate, (like the boasting vainglorious Pharisee) that we are not like other folks in conditions, or (in a word not worthy to compare with men for their unknown invisible good parts and qualities) yet surely, we neither can, or do run headlong into such impious inormities; with such uncontrollable violence as they do: as if they were Created for no other use or purpose, then to swear, blaspheme, quarrel, be drunk, game, roar, Whore, murder, steal, cheat; & in brief, to be daily practisers and Proficients in the most liberal seven deadly Sins: and these are the excellent civil behaviours of those manlike monsters that do tax women generally with incivillity.  
If women be proud (or addicted to pride) it is ten to one to be laid, 
If we women be addicted to pride, it is long of you men.  that it is the men that makes them so; for like enchanters, they do never leave or cease to bewitch & charm poor women with their flatteries, persuading us that our beauty is incomparable, our complexion of white and red, like strawberries and cream; our cheeks like damask Roses covered with a veil of lawn, our lips are coral, our teeth Ivory, our hair's Gold, our eyes crystal, or suns, or Load-stars, or love's Darts: our glances lances, our voices, our breaths perfumed music, our virtues immortal, and our whole frame, feature, and composure celestial.  
When I was a young maid of the age of fifteen, there came to me in the wooing way, very many of those fly-blown puff-past Suitors: amongst the rest, one of them was as brave a Gentleman, as any tailor could make him: he underwent the noble Title of a captain, & if I had made trial of him, I doubt not but I might have found him a most desperate Chamber Champion, for he did scent of the Musk-Cat instead of the Musket, he was an Ambergreace gallant, that once was a valiant Tilting Rush-breaker at the married of the Lady josinqua, daughter to the Duke of Calabria, verily he was a dainty purfumed carpet captain, a powdered Potentate, a painted Periwig frizzled, frounced, geometrical curious Glas-gazer, a combed, curled and curried Commander, a resolute professed Chacer or hunter of fashions, and a most stiff, printed, bristled, beard-starcher.  
This captain compliment, with his Page Implement, laid hard Siege to the weak fortress of my frail carcase, he would swear that his life or death were either in my accepting or rejecting his suit, he would lie and flatter in prose, & cog and foist in verse most shamefully; he would sometimes salute me with most delicious Sentences, which he always kept in syrup, and he never came to me empty mouthed or handed; for he was never unprovided of stewed Annagrams, baked Epigrams, soused madrigals, pickled Round delays, broiled Sonnets, pa●boild Elegies, perfumed poesies for Rings, and a thousand other such foolish flatteries, and knavish devices which I suspected, and the more he strived to overcome me, or win me with oaths, promises & protestations, still the less I believed him; so that at last he grew faint at the Siege, gave over to make any more Assaults, and vanquished with despair made a final Retreat. In like manner I wish all women and maids in general, to beware of their guilded Glosses; an enamoured toad lurks under the sweet grass, and a fair tongue hath been too often the varnish or embroidery of a false heart; what are they but lime-twigs of Lust, and schoolmasters of Folly? let not their foolish fancy prove to be your brainsick frenzy; for if you note them, in all their speech or writings, you shall seldom or never have any word or syllable in the praise of goodness, or true virtue to come from them; their talk shall consist either of wealth, strength, wit, beauty, lands, fashions, Horses, hawks, Hounds, and many other trivial and transitory toys, which as they may be used are blessings of the left Hand, wherewith they are entice and entrap poor silly young tender-hearted Females to be enamoured of their good parts (if they had any) but if men would lay by their tricks, slights, falsehoods and dissimulations▪ and (contrarily) in their conversing with us, use their tongues and pens in the praise of meekness, modesty, chastity, temperance, constancy, and piety; then surely women would strive to be such as their discourses did tend unto: for we do live in such an age of pollution, that many a rich wicked man will spend willingly, and give more to corrupt and make spoil of the chastity, and honour of one beautiful untainted Virgin, than they will bestow (in charity) towards the saving of an hundred poor people, from perishing by famine here, or from perdition in a worser place: and because they say women will always lie, I do wish that (in this last point I touched upon) they would make or prove me a liar.  
Who but men have been the Authors of all mischiefs? had that firebrand of Troy (Paris) not stolen Helen from her Husband King Menelaus, surely she had remained a wife in Sparta, and never been strumpeted in Phrygia: the ten years' Siege and sacking of Illium was never sought by women, but wrought by men: who but men are traitors, Apostates, Irreligious, Sectaries and Scismatiques? Alas, alas; these are vessels of vices and villainies, which the weak hands or brains of women could never broach. Who but men are Extortioners, Usurers Oppressors, thieves, perjured persons, & Knights of the Post? who but men do write, print, divulge and scatter libels, rhymes, songs and Pasquil's against the known Truth; against sovereign Authority, against all Law, equity, and Conformity to Loyalty? who but men have, and do set forth pestifferous Pamphlets, emblems, and Pictures of scurrility and nasty obsceaness? I am sure that Ovid, and Aretine were no women, nor was there ever any Woman found to be the authoress of such base and vile inventions.  
In one of their late wise ridiculous Lectures, 
An Answer to the aspersion cast upon women for being Gossips.  they do cast an aspersion upon us that we are mighty Gossips, and exceeding Scolds; to the first I Answer, that the most part of our meetings at gossipings are long of the men, rather than to be imputed to us; for when children are borne into the world (although men feel none of the misery) yet women have a more known sympathy & feeling of one another's pains & perils; & therefore in Christianity and neighbourly love & Charity, women do meet to visit and comfort the weakness of such, as in those dangerous times do want it; and whereas they say that we tipple, and tittle-tattle more than our shares, I shall (before this discourse is ended) cast that Ball back again in their teeth, and emblaze them truly to be most vain and idle talkers; and that no living thing Created is so sottish, senseless, brutish and beastly, as most of them have been, and are daily, nightly and hourly in their drink: for their much talk (to no purpose) doth show that there is a running issue, or Fistula in their minds.  
Man might consider that women were not created to be their slaves or vassals, 
Women are not borne to be menns slaves.  for as they had not their original out of his head, (thereby to command him;) so it was not out of his foot to be trod upon, but in a (medium) out of his side to be his fellowfeeler, his equal & companion: but as the devil can be (at one time) both the Prince of darkness, and an angel of Light; so can these double-hearted men bear fire in one hand and water in the other, so that one knows not where to have them, nor how to find them; being neither hot or cold, but like lukewarm Laodiceans: for many of them are like the cinnamon Tree, their rind better than the trunk: they are (too many of them) rare Doctors of Divility, crafty Merchants, whose Wares are flatteries, congees, cringes, compliments, legs, faces, and mimmicke marmositicall Gestures, and are fitter by half for stamps to coin any currant wickedness than any women can be.  
Every thing (but man) doth naturally incline to be in his proper place, 
Every thing but man doth Naturally incline to his proper place.  as for example: Lead, Stomes, or any ponderous or weighty matter or mettle will sink down, fire doth mount upwards, Rivers run to the to the Sea, Trees to the Earth, and fowls to the air: every thing doth seek to be in his natural place constantly, only men are inconstant, and seldom or never doth keep his constant course. Nay the very Beasts and unreasonable Creatures are his schoolmasters, and go beyond him in goodness: he may learn meekness of the lamb, simplicity of the Dove, diligence of the Ants, kindness of the Stork, memory of the ox and ass, fidelity of the Dog, watchfulness of the cock, subtlety of the Serpent, magnanimity of the Lion: the Eagle (or Vulture) doth go beyond him in sight, or seeing; the Dog surpasseth him in the sense of smelling, Stags, Hares, and Birds do outgo him in swiftness, Horses & Elephants in strength, and crows or Ravens in length of life: Besides every thing (except man) hath the wit to shun and avoid danger, as sheep will run from the wolf, the Cat from the Dog, the Hare from the Hound, the Rat from the Cat, the chick from the Kite, and the Dove from the hawk; but man will not avoid wickedness, nor run from the devil; he is also so voracious and insatiate, that though a park will satisfy an Heard of dear, a meadow will suffice many cows and a Bull, a field will serve Horses, a forest will feed wild Beasts and fowls, the Earth doth content worms and vermin, the Sea contains Fishes: And man (only man) is never contented; his ingurgitating Maw is the sepulchre of Fishes, fowls, Beasts, herbs, fruits, roots, and all things else whatsoever that his Rapine can prey upon. Besides, he hath in him the pride of the Horse, the lion's fierceness, the Wolves ravening, the Dogs biting more addicted to truculency then the bear, more obstinate than the ox, more beastly rash than the Bore, more various than the Leopard, more mutable than the chameleon, as deceitful as the fox, as desperate as the Elephant, fearful as a Hare, revengeful as the camel, as lascivious as the goat, as full of scoffing and jeering as an Apel, as uncleanly as a Sow, as silly as a sheep, and as foolish as an ass. This Land hath robbed and cheated almost all other Nations of their vices, for we have gotten Gluttony from Greece, wantonness from Italy, Pride from Spain, compliment from France, drunkenness from Germany, Infidelity▪ from the Jews, 
They ●rove that ●ngland●ath rob●ed all Nations ●f their ●ices.  Blasphemy from the Turks, Idolatry from the Indians, Superstition from Rome, Sects from Amsterdam, Errors from all places, makes schisms & divisions at home. And these are the rare virtues, and admirable qualities of the most part of such men as have (and do daily) inveigh and rail against women with their scandalous tongues, and infamous abusive libels; and in a word to conclude this point, if any man be great in Office or Dignity, and that he hath uncontrollable power to do what he will; it is a hard matter for him to restrain himself from doing much hurt, and little good.  
Dogs do naturally bark and snarl at strangers, and such as they do not know; 
Women were never so bad as m●●  and so those men that are ignorant in their malice, (or malicious in their ignorance) do Reprehend and abuse women, and in their railing they have the uncharitable Art to make the small molehills of our frailty appear like mountains; and with their inveterate spleen, they Metamorphose our pigmy faults into huge Giants: But let me be so bold (with leave) as to ask them, if ever any women were such monsters as Nero, Heliogabalus, Caligula, Hamon, Julian, Cain, Iscariot, Ahab, Achitophel, Rabsheka, Nabuchadnezer, Hollophernes, Jeroboam, Pharaoh, Nimrod, Cham, Belshazer, (or Baltazer) Goliath, Esau, Achan, Gehezy, Absalon, Mannasses, Siscera, Shimei, Amon, Nabal, Herod, Chaiphas, Annus, Pilate, Elimas, Domitian, Catiline, Silla, Marius, Sardanapales, and thousands more such Commanders, inventors, maintainers, and defenders of mischiefs, and all sorts of wickedness & villainies; of which the Stories of their detestable lives, with their deserved deaths, do make most horrible and loathed mentions: nor hath these kingdoms of England and Scotland, been always clear from the Tyranny of such, as the Chronicles will witness of Macbeth, and Richard the third: and I am sure that women were not the Complotters, or contrivers of the Powder Treason; nor ever did any woman devise Projects and Monopolies.  
Thus any one that hath but common sense or reason in him, 
He that rails against women, doth forget that his mother was a woman.  may perceive that those who so bitterly rail against women, do forget that Women were their mothers, or that they had their Birth (or secondary original being from women:) I will not be so lavishly or unmannerly invictive against men, but that amongst them there have been (and are, and I am not out of hope there will always be) many of that noble sex, that do scorn and despise those scurrilous sordid libels, who are no better than the devil's Penposts: that have the Art to write by roate, and rail at random, without regard of truth or equity: (for a just and wise man deems nothing to be reasonable that hath not equity in it) whose sweet stinking poetical verses runs all manner of feet without measure, rhyme, or reason; and Satan's cloven foot withal into the bargain. I touch not any way upon good Poets, for to them Fortune is blind, and (in her blind bounty) she returns a small share for Minerva, and vicious greatness, golden foppery, and silken Ignorance are most deadly enemies to the Muses: as eminent persons do not always carry Scales about them to weigh the merits of deserving men; but I speak of our mongrel Rimsters, that with an affectate overweening conceit of themselves, do imagine that they can cough logic, speak rhetoric, niece grammar, belch Poetry, piss Geometry, groan music, vomit apothegms, and squirt Oratory. These (and such as these) are the most furious and fierce Pendragonists, these are the pestifferous jacksquiterers, that if they could, would blow and blast the fame of women: 
None but mongrel rhymers speak against Women.  These can change the shapes of their inventions according as the times and purpose best befits their servile inclinations: for they have all got the Theory of well speaking, (when they please) but if ever they busy themselves with the practic of well doing, I will be at the charge to pay for their hanging; for it is more easy to make a good nimble footman of the running gout, than it is to make one of these an honest man.  
Although some few, (and those few too many) women do profess goodness in hypocrisy, yet that is not a general disparagement to such as are truly virtuous in sincerity; for if I may be so bold as to speak that which is Recorded in holy Writ, I shall prove presently out of the best Authors that ever lived, that women have been, and are, and will be, must be, and shall be, either men's betters, or their equals; (or at the least) not to be so much undervalued, as not to be abused, vilified, and traduced by every idle & paltry Pot-companions.  
As for the first man, he was made of Earth, Clay; (yea of the very slime of the earth) also he was created in the open wide field (as all other the rest of earthly Creatures were:) and being made (I must confess he was perfect, and full of perfection) yet doth his very Name demonstrate that he was of a mean & pure substance; for the Word (or Name Adam) doth signify Clay, or red earth: but when that earth and slime was purified, and made perfect (with being fully possessed with a Reasonable soul) than man being in paradise, (a most pleasant and delectable place) there in that choicest and principal Garden of delight, (man being refined from his dross) was woman Created: there was she named Eve, (or Hevah) which is as much as to say Life;) because she was the Mother of all men & women that should ever live, or have living: she was made out of the side of the man, (near to his heart) because he should heartily love her: and as all the rest of the Creatures were created before man, to show that he was not brought into a bare and naked world, (although himself was so) but it was Gloriously and Magnificently adorned & beautified with all things fitting for the the entertainment of so glorious an Image, (or Deputy to the Greatest) yet in that great state he was alone, without any one to have a participation, or joyful fellow simpatheticall feeling of his felicity. Then did it please the Great Creator, to Create the noble Creature (Woman) to be his Helper, associate, and companion; therefore I conclude, that as man was made of pollution, earth, & slime; and woman was formed out of that earth when it was first refined: as man had his original in the rude wide field, and woman had her frame and composure in Paradise; so much is the woman's Honour to be regarded, and to be held in estimation amongst men.  

Divers more examples I could produce.  To these few I could add infinite, but I study to avoid prolixity; only I desire of you Sir seldom Sober, and the rest of your most pitiful partisons, to be resolved in this one Question; 
The World cannot subsist without women.  How cometh the world to be thus peopled? and whence groweth this goodly Generation upon the earth, which from the first Creation hath continued to this present; and shall last to all Posterity: we are not like these swift Spanish Genets, which (some Write) engender only by the wind? purperated without man: do we the despised, sue to you the well disposed? or being the the Vessels, petition to you the Proditors of your fames & honours? when was it known in any Age, 
Women never seek and petition to men for love.  that our sex have groaned at your Gates, and sat waking whole cold winter's nights at your windows? when sonneted to your Signior ships, or love lettered to your Lordships? when haunted you in your Houses? and way laid you in your walks? These you have done, and daily and hourly do to us; and i● we have been either wayward in our words, or bu● counterfeited a coyness in our countenances; you● brave high spirits have bi● ready to homage you●selves, nay some have done it really: as thinking to enter the strict way by a string: Nay many times when you are denied the game, you have offered Fees; and by rape to hazard the gallows.  
If the husbandman Till, Plow, Sow, and Harrow his ground, &c. it is in hope of an harvest; or if he labour and take pains; it is in hope of his hire: If the Merchant hazard his purse, and person by Sea, it is in the expectation of some great gain and profit: and can you wise men, take toil and travel; wake and watch, rise early, and go to bed late; spend your time, wits, and money: vow and protest, swear and forswear; engage your fortunes, and endanger your lives; and all these for wily, wanton, wayward, wicked women; by gaining whom, you can but lose yourselves; and to purchase them, cannot be without your so great prejudice. Most sure if this cause shall come before a just judge, and have the benefit of a considerate Censure; but we so much reproved and reviled, shall be acquit by Proclamation, and you Sir seldom Sober, with the rest of your railing Society be found sole guilty of Calumny, scandal, and most palpable Contradiction: Your intimations and intents, your proposition and your purpose, your method & your meaning; having no coherence, or correspondence the one to the other.  
And therefore we weak women, 
Women able at all times to maintain their undertakings when men are not able.  stand up against you mighty men; (for so you think yourselves) when alas we know by proof, that when you brave Masculines are at any time encountered by our feminine sex, even in the first assault, you are as soon tamed as talked with; and can scarce really tell us you love us, but you are as ready to turn tail and leave us: and yet are not ashamed to animate yourselves in your own assemblies; and would make the world to believe, that you the first Cowards are the sole conquerors.  

An Answer to the prentices Lecture in the morning.  But forsooth when you fail in your prowess, you think to fit us in your proverbs; (which you privilege by their Antiquity) but indeed they are so stale in their very Names, that they stink in our noses: for example, When the Mistress calls up her Apprentice, she saith if she be crossed, she will make him leap at a Crust; as if Citizens kept such penurious Houses, that they were ready upon the least occasions to starve their Servants: Nay, that she taking her husband's Authority out of his hands, will beat her Boy the Rogue; and baste the kitchenmaid who rules the Roast, till she make their bones rattle in their skins: and when she hath gotten her will, than Rattle Baby Rattle.  

An answer to the Lecture of the wife to her husband.  Then in your Lecture of the Wife to her Husband, Is the house a wild-Cat to you? and why a Wild-Cat you tame fool? unless you study to set odds betwixt man and wife, and to make them agree in a house like Dogs and Cats together.  

An answer to the Country farmer's wives Lecture.  Then comes in the Country farmer's Wife, with her couple of Capons, when all her she neighbours dare take their oaths, that her Husband is a cock of the Game; yet she must call him Francis Furmity-pot, Barnard bag-pudding, or Bacon-face, William Woodcocke, dirty Dotterill, or Dunstable, Harry horsehead, Simon sup-broth, Ralph Rost a Crow, Tom Turd in thy teeth, and the like beastly and bastardly names, merely of your own dirty devising: as knowing what belongs to yourselves, when we cannot find in our hearts to foul our mouths with any such filthy Language.  
But sure Sir seldom, (or never) Sober, your Father was some Jakes-Farmer, and your Mother a Midwife, or he some Rake-shame, or rag-gatherer; and she the daughter of a dunghill, that their son is forced to patch out his Poetry with such pitiful proverbs: and cannot we come upon you with the like? and in tasking of your rudeness tell you, you should have talked under the Rose: to punish your too much prating, tell you, 
Their answer to him, and the proverbs confuted.  Little said, soon amended. In terrifying you from the like troubling of yourself, That there is a day to come, that shall pay for all; and to restrain you within some regularity, A man may bring his Horse to the water, but he cannot make him drink. In not sparing of your Spouse-breach, There is falsehood in fellowship. When we shall bury one untoward Husband, and take another; seldom comes the better. When you fool us with your flatteries, you play with us at Wily beguile you: And to conclude with that most learned Ballad, song about the streets, and Composed by your fellow Poet M. P. O such a Rogue would be hanged. This we could do, nay this we much care not to do; unless you moderate your flying Muse, and mend your manners.  

How they would use him.  Nay we could Anatomize you into atoms, and dissect you into Demunitives, to make you less than nothing; but it it is the modesty of our Madam-ships, and the patience that our sex professes, to parley before we punish; and to hang up a flag of Truce, before we offer to tyrannize: but if you take heart and hold out, and seem not sorry at this our first summons; we will not only beat you, but batter you; bombast and baffle you, Canvace and Cudgel you; Brave you and Bastinado you: but leave you to the terrible Trophies of our Victorious Triumph, and the remarkable memory of your most miserable, and unpitied Massacre: Yet in all this we do not menace the men, but their minds; not their Persons, but their pens; the horridness of their humours, and the madness of their Muses: which indeed towards us have been insupportable, and intolerable: Therefore be advised and let us hear either of your public acknowledgement, or at the least your private recantation; either to us all in general, 
Their cruel threatening of Sir seldom Sober.  or some in particular, &c. or we will make thy own pen thy poniard; thy ink thy baneful potion; thy Paper thy winding sheet; thy Standish thy Coffin; thy Sand-dust thy Grave-dust, to bury thy shallow wit in, with thy face downward; which if we do not, let us for ever bear the burden with our faces upwards.  
Now concerning your very passionate, but most pitiful Poetry, a question may be made, whether you be a Land Laureate, or a Marine Muse; A Land Poet, or a Water Poet; A scholar, or a Sculler; Of Parnassus, or puddle Dock; Of Jonia, or Ivy Bridge: But howsoever, it is not in the compass of our Reading, that Mnemosyne ever lived at Milford Lane, or Terpsichore at Trigg stairs, where they say the devil once took water.  
Nay more than all this, a little further to magnify our sex; are not the four parts of the world, Asia, Africa, Europe, and America Deciphered and described under the Persons of women, and their Gender? The nine Muses, 〈◊〉 the Twelve Sibells, were they not all women? The four Cardinal virtues, justice, Fortitude, Prudence, Temperance, Women? The three Graces, the handmaids to Venus, women? The three theological virtues, Faith, Hope, and Charity, Women? nay wisdom itself, 
In the praise of Women.  is it not Sapientia, and figured in the form of a Woman? Are not all the Arts, Sciences, and virtues, of what quality or condition soever, Portrayed in the persons of women: whether then I pray you Sir seldom Sober were your wits wandering, or went a Wooll-gathering, when you beat your brains about this poor, and most pitiful Pamphlet? Have we claimed this to ourselves? nay rather hath it not been meritoriously conferred upon us by you men? had you thought yourselves worthy of these noble and brave Attributes, you would have sequestered them from our sex, and Celebrated them to yourselves: but those who thought themselves more wiser than you have showed yourself, (in this witty) of these Honours to support and maintain which they thought themselves too weak: have both by their words and writings thought us worthy.  
Now whether is the greater approbation for any Cause in question, or for any person convented to be acquitted, by one single man, or by a whole Senate: by a private censorious and supercilious Synicke, then by a full, free, and general assembly.  
Besides, 
we Women claim a privilege  we claim a further privilege, that is to be tried by our peers, and grant us but that, and then besides kaisers and Kings, Princes and Potentates, sovereigns & Subjects, Court, City, camp and Country; we have the Graces & the Goddesses, the nymphs and the Meriades; the Virgins, the vestals, the Wives, the widows, the Country wench, the Countess, the laundress, the Lady, the Maid-marrion, the Matron, even from the shepherdess to the sceptre; all ready to give up their voices of our sides, that his Crabb-tree cudgel oil, and his juniper sauce Lecture is false, foolish, sottish, superfluous Railing, ridiculous, absurd, nay more abominable.  

Finally no Sentence of condemnation ought to pass upon any, before a fair verdict be given up by twelve honest men.  All Sentences, and Condemnations go by a jury of twelve, and they too aught ought not only to be of understanding, but good men and true; and shall the generality of our sex be convented, and convicted by one poor ignorant silly Sot? Then we may say (& not to our small grief) that the woman called Astraea, otherwise called Justa, hath flown up to Heaven, and left no justice abiding upon the Earth: had she been still our judgesse, she would (no doubt) have Censured; that as men have heretofore had the liberty to take many Wives; so women might have now the privilege every one to take two Husbands at least: till they could find any one woman, who could meet with two men of the same mind with this Gregory, who would make himself a Grand jury man. But Read the wise woman's Juniper, and she will jerk him for this.  

Greek Poets that if they were living would defend the woman's virtues.  But were there now surviving to vindicate our virtues, any of the Ancient Greek Poetresses, A Nicostrate, or Caripena; A Musaea, or a Meroe; A Sosipatra, or a Clitagora; An Aspasia Milesia, or Praxilla Sycomia; A Myro Bizantia, or Cozinna Thebana. Or amongst the Romans; an Hortensia, or Hyparchia; A Claudia, or a Cornelia; Apollo Argentaria, or Probavaleria; A Vittoria Collumna, or Marcelia Romana, &c. If (I say) any of these were now surviving, what a pitiful thing would they make of this patulant Poet: and with one of their invective iambics, to despair and hang himself: and in the stead of a Juniper, read unto him a Gibbot Lecture.  
How have you stuffed your storehouse, with a Catalogue of common prostitutes and courtesans; which made me think when I first saw your book, it had been the Register of Bridewell: and I pray you who vitiated them, but you that that would seem the virtuous? or who corrupted them, but you the male crocodiles? was there Gill without her Jack, or flirts without her Framion. As Parents loosed the names of Father and Mother when their Issue fails them, and Children are no more sons and Daughters when they have no Parents to protect them: so it is not possible, that the world could yield any one Branded with the Name of a whore, 
In the defencr of us women.  but there must be whoremaster to make her so. Moreover, there was never Strumpet but had her pimp to usher her; nor any Madam mackerel without a Pander to man her.  
You tell us a great many stories and to small purpose, of Helen an Harlot, who had no doubt lived in honest life with Menelaus her Husband, had there not been a boldfaced Paris to betray her. Of a Lais, a Famous courtesan in Corinth, who valued every night's lodging at a thousand drachmas: and why did she set so high a price upon her prostitution? but the better to conserve her Chastity, and fright away libidenous fools from hunting her Habitation: and so of the rest, by which any indifferent Reader may perceive, that all things make with us, which you maliciously have suggested against us.  
I will not meddle with your pitiful Poetry, and rhyme dotterel, borrowed out of Ballads: and yet why should I say borrowed, when I can Answer them in this one distich: 

The women make rhyme of the Author.  Though borrowing now b●  
into fashion grown,  
Yet I dare swear, wha●  
thou writ'st was thy own▪   
For indeed I know no● who else will Challenge them.  
In your Lecture of an old rich Widow to a young Gallant, 
An answer to the Lecture of the rich Widow.  where you think to task her of her wit, what do you else but approve her wisdom? who will not suffer her modest Gravity to be fooled by his youthful Prodigality: and so what you strive to condemn as a vice, in effect you crown for a virtue.  
You make your Country farmer's wife, 
An answer to the Lecture of of a Country farmer's wife.  to call wise-achers her Husband wittol, Mopus and mooncalf, Hobbinot, and hobnails, Lurden and Looby; Francis Fill-gut and Furmety-pot, Booby & Blockhead, Dunce and Dotard Bull-beef, Barley pudding, Sim Slabber-chops and the like; and like enough he may be all these, & she in this gives but the devil his due, and the Clownish Coridon his own true Character: And what disparagement can this be to us? or what great honour to you of the Male sex, that amongst men there can be found such a monster?  

An answer to the Lecture of the jealous old Women.  Can you blame the jealous woman for having such care over her husband's health, purse, and Person? for what is jealousy but a too much indulgence, and over Love? and I fear ten at this time of twenty, are not much troubled with it.  
Your Lecture of your kind loving wife to her Husband we allow, 
The woman they approve of the Lecture of a kind woman to her Husband.  & none so shameless in their slanders, but sometimes or other are constrained to tell truth and shame the devil; and if you had only followed the same theme, you might have escaped from being thus threatened: but many who have strove to make, have marred; & in shunning Scylla, have fall'n into Charybdis: and this our impudent Poet, hath imitated such ignorant pilots: where if he had had the skill to steer his vessel in the mild channel, he might have arrived at an happy Harbour, and so escaped that shame and shipwreck, which his filthiness hath made him to suffer. Had Icarus in his Flight kept an equal distance, betwixt the Sea and the sun, the one had not melted his wax, nor the other moistened his Wings: nor he been made a wretched Prey to the Waters.  
In your widow's Lecture to your Widower, 
An Answer to the Lecture of the young Widow to an old Widower.  what terms doth she use, but of your teaching; and what dirty language but of your own devising: I thought you would have told us a tale, wherein you might have made them equal sharers, in their own simplicity: which was to this effect.  
A Widower and his widow sitting at Supper with a good joint of meat together, and falling into some cross words, (before they had tasted a bit of it; and having both good stomachs:) A poor man came to the door to beg an alms for God's sake: The man not knowing which way more to vex his wife called to his Servant, and cutting the meat in the middle, laid one half upon his Trencher, and said; here take this and carry it to the poor man, and bid him pray for the soul of my former Wife; which seeing she said nothing: but when the Servant was returned, she took the other half that was in the Dish, and gave it unto him saying; and I pray thee carry this to the poor man, and desire him to pray for the soul of my first Husband: by which means both themselves and their Servants, were forced to go to bed supperless: Now here the blame nor burden could be great, because it was borne upon equal shoulders: but you (as in all the rest) make the woman only to rail, and the men like so many silly Sots, to make no reply at all; as if we were all mad, they milke-s●ps and mecockes, we froward, they foolish; we either sheepish or shrowish, and they only simple and sottish; which how false it is, and far from any probability of truth, common experience can testify: for whosoever shall observe his stile and method shall find, that what he so much boasts off he hath borrowed from the basest of our sex; as being in all his Tinkerly terms more foul-tongued than a fishwife, and more open mouthed than any Oysterwench.  
A word or two more concerning the virtue and Chastity of Women, there was never any man could generally compare with Women; 
No man whatsoever is Generally to be compared to women for virtue.  to speak of the best and most blessed (the one and only Virgin Mother, she that was at one time Maid, Mother, Wife Child, & Sister to her Son; she that most happily was elected) from all Eternity to be the blessed bringer forth of a Saviour, for all repenting and true believing sinners, she was so fully filled and replenished with grace, that she is justly styled blessed amongst women: and for a further proclaiming of her happiness, All Generations shall call her Blessed: she was the world's only wonder, and most rare and sovereign mirror of chastity. Many thousands more are mentioned for that only famous virtue of Continency, in Divine and profane Histories, whose honourable, and Venerable memories shall outlive time, and flourish in Glorious Eternity. Besides, as there have been and are innumerable of our noble sex, that have lived and died Virgins; so likewise millions of them who have been married, and after marriage became widows, they have been so inclined to the love of chastity, that they would never be won to accept of a second marriage: and for an inimitable example of a worthy Matron, it is Recorded, that Anna the prophetess was but seven years a married wife, but that after her Husband was dead, she lived a Widow fourscore and four years: an example above any you men can show.  
Moreover women were so chaste, 
Women for the Love of Posterity do marry you men, and for no other end.  tha● though they did marry and were married, it was more for propagation of Children, than for any carnal delight or pleasure they had to accompany with men; they were content to be joined in Matrimony with a greater desire of Children than of Husbands, they had more joy in being Mothers than in being Wives; for in the old Law, it was a curse upon Women to be Barren: and surely if there had been any lawful way for them to have had Children without Husbands, there hath been, and are, and will be a numberless number of Women that would or will never be troubled with wedlock, nor the knowledge of man. Thus good and modest Women have been content to have none, or one man (at the most) all their whole life-time, but men have been so addicted to incontinency, that no bounds of Law or reason could restrain them: for if we read the Story of the Kings of Juda, there we may find the wisest that ever reigned, (Solomon) had no fewer than three hundred Wives, and seven hundred Concubines; and that his son Rehoboam had eighteen Wives and sixety Concubines, by whom he begat twenty eight sons, and threescore Daughters. There have been some good women, that when they could have no Children, they have been contented that their Husbands should make use of their maidservants; as Sara and Rachel, and Leah did; but I never heard or read of any man that (though he were old, diseased, decripit, gouty, or many and every way defective, and past ability to be the Father of any Child) that hath been so loving to his wife, as to suffer her to made a Teeming Mother by another man. There was once a Law in Sparta, amongst the lacedaemonians, that if the husband were deficient, for propagating or begetting of Children, that then it was lawful for the wife to entertain a friend or a Neighbour; but the women were so given to chastity, that they seldom or never did put the said Law in practice, and i am persuaded that that Decree is quite abolished, and out of use and force all the World over.  
The constant courage, and fixed Pious and worthy resolutions of those women that are mentioned in the seventh of the second book of the Macabees, is Transcendent and superlative above all men that ever were either spoken of or Recorded in to which place I refer the Reader for larger Relations.  
Holy Writ doth nominate 5. famous women of the name of Mary; First the Blessed Virgin. Secondly, Mary the mother of James the less; and Joseph and Salome, and the wife of Cleophas, & the Virgin Mary's own Sister. Thirdly, the Mother of John, and James the sons of Zebedoe. Fourthly, the Mother of John, mark: and Mary Magdalen, who was the Sister of Lazarus; these were all women, who were hardly to be equalled in goodness and virtue by men: they were the loving handmaidens of the highest. And it would be tedious and needless to name those worthy women in this poor Pamphlet, who are already Recorded in the never ending book of immortality. Susanna's chastity, Lydia's diligent piety, the bounty and charity of Dorcas, and the painfulness of Pheabe: all these and many more are remembered in everlasting blessed volumes.  
Thus have I truly and impartially proved, that for Chastity, Charity, Constancy, Magnanimity, valour, wisdom, Piety, or any Grace or virtue whatsoever. Women have always been more than equal with men; and that for Luxury, Sarquedrin obscenity, profanity, Ebriety, Impiety, and all that may be called bad we do come far short of them. Now we think it meet only to tell them a little of one fault, which we are sure they do know already; and that our Repetition of it will be no means to reform it: yet to show the World that Women have great cause to find fault, and be discontented with their odious general vice of drunkenness. We will relate unto you the delicate dainty Foppish, and ridiculous conceits of Sir seldom Sober, with the most foolish, idle, and sottish tricks and feats of his idle and addle-pated followers.  

Several Questions propounded to Sir seldom Sober, by the Women, viz.  

Questions asked and put to Sir seldom Sober by the Women.  FIrst, were Women ever since the Creation of the World, such notorious and capital offenders as you men have been from time to time; not only in particular to your Wives and Family; but I mean in public against your Prince and Country, being found Traitors, as our Chronicles can witness.  
Secondly, were there ever any woman put in the Stocks, or set in the Pillory, or had ever any hand in coining, or Clipping, or Defacing their Prince's Money.  
Thirdly, do women do as you men do, who lie a-bed on purpose to invent mischief, and plot how to get other men's estates into your hands by your sly dissembling: and then either break and run away; or at the least compound for ten groats in the pound; and then set up again, and do as much more within seven years after.  
Fourthly, do Women become common bail in Actions, for the value of twelve pence, as you men do: Or be Knights of the Post, to swear and forswear in many Cases, for a small sum of money: and in hiring satin Doublets and Breeches in Long Lane, and come in a ruff to bear false witness against their neighbour  
Fiftly, did you hear that ever any women ran away from their captain's Colours: but whatsoever they did undertake, they went through stitch with it, and not fly like Cowards, or fight in private Armour, or coats of Male, as you men have done? but women you have heard of, who have been forced to lie and fight it out, and endure the brunt, when you men were not able to stand to it.  
Sixtly, do Women, as you men do, for the value of a dinner or Supper, become bound in a sum of money for other men, to undo their Wives and Children, and run away into the Low-Countries to be a soldier, and there kill men for three shillings a week.  
Seventhly, when did you hear, or ever know Women, that make eight days in the week to deceive poor men of their pay as you men do?  
Eighthly, when did you ever read or hear of any women that turned Projectors, striving to undo kingdoms, only to enrich themselves by their several Monopolies and Patents: Patents did I say? indeed Patents, in my conceit, should belong most properly to us women, who know how to use them: for your men's Patents and Monopolies are hurtful to all, ours to none, but they are for a general good, and to preserve our Healths, yours to ruin and beggar Men, Women and Children.  
Ninthly, how many women have you known or seen, that have been brought home drunken in a porter's Basket, or led home between two vintner's boys, or that ever drank out their eyes, and left their wits behind them on a tavern Bench; or came home with their legs or arms broken by their excessive Drinking, and ingurgitating of too much Wine.  
Tenth, I pray you Sir seldom Sober, tell us how many Women that ever you heard of, that ran and hid themselves in a Cupboard when there came out a press for soldiers; or locked themselves up in some private place for fear of the press: when we women stand it out, and never fear, or once be afraid: let there come a press out night by night, or day by day, we women will never run, or shrink our heads for it.  
Eleventh, how many women did you ever hear of, that kept Horses to gallop after Mutton; I mean laced Mutton: and then return again neither with good Horse, or sound reins; but creeping and halting, as if you had been shot in some hot service of war?  
Twelfth, how many Women did you ever hear of, that do drink so much, that they do quarrel and fight, and tear one another's Bands and clothes; and than be carried before a Justice, or else end the business by Arbitration, to their loss both of money and time: or not so ended, do challenge the field, and there sheathe their swords in one another's breast? All these are causes enough to make a woman speak, whose Husband is thus in fault: and we ought to speak, for we have nothing to offend (and defend ourselves) but our tongues: nay more, as you men have but five senses, I will prove that women have six, and that is our Tongues; and therefore we may speak and plead for ourselves with our tongues, and defend ourselves by our tongues; and therefore Sir seldom Sober hold you your Tongue hereafter; for you know six to five is odds at football; and you shall be sure to find it so, if ever you do come into our quarters: but we hope Time will jerk your blind cheeks for this, or else you will get such a blow with a French Coulstaffe, that you will end your days in an hospital. O that we had you amongst us but two hours, or something which we could wish between a cleft stick, we would serve you but as the baker's Wife did the devil, make you somewhat the lighter, the better, and the more nimble for your next summer's travail, and cause that coppernose, which hath so many Colours as the rainbow, to appear of another hew: but wishes are in vain; and time and opportunity will bring things together which were never dreamt of; so we leave you Sir seldom, or never Sober; only we will give you the Character of a Drunkard, and drunkenness, and so conclude with a few Tales to the same purpose.   

SOme say, that the Science of Drinking carouses, and Drunken Healths was brought into England by the Danes when they conquered this kingdom: but from whomsoever you learned the Mystery, it makes no great matter: It is apparently known, that neither Dane, or Dutchman, trueman, or Welshman, can go beyond you herein: for by your daily Documents (most Noble Sir seldom Sober) men are so perfect, that they are able to teach their Teachers, to master their Masters, & to lay all Nations in the dirt that dares oppose them: For the which Cunning, they are all bound to you; and to manifest their thankfulness, every day almost three quarters of the Masculine sex do declare and show themselves to be Sir seldom Sober's Men. For his Followers, they are the only Chimmists, and hyperbolical Artists below the moonshine, and they are of all Callings, Functions, Arts, Trades, and Occupations: they are likewise of all degrees; from the Monarch to the Miser; from the Lord to the loon, and of either Masculine, or Feminine sex or Gender. The force of Wine, or much Drinking did often make Philip King of Macedon to rage against his Foes; and it caused his son (Alexander the Great) to kill his friends: most of them are such Friends to Oblivion, that they will drink, smoke, and Pipe away Time. Some are such Miraculous, strange wonder-workers, that they can turn Night into Day, and Day into Night. It hath made many a soldier Metamorphose the mettle of his murrain and his Morglay into the elixir or spirit of the Buttery, and Clinking of Wine-pots, to renounce arms and Blood-shed, except the claret blood of Bacchus. It makes thousands of Merchant Adventurers every day and night to the Toride Zone of Canary: It is the Poets Nepenthe, Aganippa, his Nectar, Tempe, Helicon, and Castelian fountain; and when his Muse flags, it inspires her with such strains and raptures, that she Mounts and Soareth higher, than Jupiter's Eagle, or the sphere of Saturn. It causeth the Grammarian to speak beyond his Rules. It fills the Logicianer With syllogisms, and Sophistry. It makes the Mathematician so skilful, that he knows Charles his wain from a Sedan, and the Antarctic Pole from a constable's staff. By the Inspiration of drink, the most simple Arithmatician will account past numbering, and number beyond all account. It causes the Astronomer to play the aleconers' part, and search all the twelve signs of the zodiac, to know what weight and measure they allow. It attires the Rhetoricians speech with such Eloquent terms of Fustian phrases, that it is beyond the Speakers understanding, and all men's else that are troubled to hear him. Drunkenness is the most frequent and universal Trading in the World: it makes (almost) every Man a Merchant or Chapman: for if you mark it, there is of all Trades and functions that do every day go abroad from house to House, for no other purpose but to buy drink. It is music of itself, and it is composed, and consists of Frets, Stops, Clefts, Moods, Flats, Sharpes, Spaces, and most strange Notes, Tones, and Tunes, Phrygian, Lydian, Dorian, nine points above Ela, and two pots below Gamoth: For upon the alebench, they are all compacted of Quavers, Semiquavers, Sembriefes, minims, and Crotchets: One squeaks shrill, like an, owl, another brays the Descant, like an ass, a third bellows the Tenor, like a Bull, a fourth Barks the Counterpoint, 
The womens' examples and similes of drunkenness in a modest phrase.  like a Hound, a fift howls the Treble, like a wolf, and a sixt grunts the Base, like an ox: that what with the ravishing sound of Sackebuts, Canary Pipes, Tobacco Pipes, Flouts, (or flutes) Shames, Bad-pipes, weights, oboes, Clinking and Knocking of Pots, Stamping, Dancing, and Singing to confused noises; there is daily such sweet and Contagious Harmony amongst them, that a man cannot any way compare the deliciousness of it to any thing more significantly, than to most ear-bewitching Caterwauling; or their rending and tearing of tunes, are as delightful to the hearing, as the fat end of a Pudding. And truly, you men are so experimented in the Trade of Bibbing, (or Arti Bibendi) that the spongy Dutch are most sober Cato's, in respect of you, Apuleius ass a grand Sophy, and the Wise men of Gotham would seem amongst us to be the seven Sages of Greece. drink is the idol which you men adore, and every day you do fall down to it: It is the Catalogue of all Faculties: It is the rare Esculapian medicinable Antimonian Cup, for it cures all: It is (as it were) the midwife of Justice, for it brings forth all, and ofttimes it restores both principal and interest in a flood or inundation of Expression; It makes a Man cast learnedly, like Homer: It multiplies the eyesight, which is the cause, that some beer is called double beer, by reason it enlargeth the capacity, and makes a man see every thing double; As one writ very sententiously.  
The Scribe, or the clerk,  
Whose sights are dark,  
And the print of the Letters  
doth seem too small,  
Will con every Letter,  
And read much the better,  
If they glaze but their eyes  
with a pot of good Ale.  
Amongst you men it is the sweetest Life to be Dead drunk, and a well-seasoned Drunkard, is an unmeasurable merry companion, that holds the great Barrel at Heidelberg to be but a Bottle: nor doth he hold it lawful to look wisely, go steadily, stand firmly, or speak sense. Nor will he dishonour the Calling with sleeping above once a week, or a Fortnight. Many of them are 〈◊〉 so wary, and ●ealous of their Reputations, that they will pay no Reckonings, because they hold it a disparagement to their Credits not to be credited. Some are abominably furnished with; oaths, and Protestations of all sorts and sizes, and for any special occasion, or company: As small mincing oaths for the City, courageous oaths for the Court, hob-nailed oaths for the Country, cudgel oaths to break a Creditors Pate, Rapier Oaths to run a sergeant, or a bailiff through, and backsword oaths to cross an alehouse score. And as an Ape will imitate a man, so a Drunken man will imitate a Beast. Moreover, you shall have seventeen, or eighteen in one room, at one and the same time, all in most different and various Actions and Postures; one will whoop and hollow, another sings, a third dances, a fourth weeps, a fift sleeps, a sixt leaps over stools and Tables, and shows feats, a seventh Knocks, Stamps, and throws pots down the stairs; calls the Drawers Rogues, the Man of the House Cuckold, and his Wife whore, breaks Glasses, and glass-windows: another pulls out his sword, and to make valiant proof how well he can use it, he cuts, hues, and slashes posts, doors, boards, and stakes, the poor prodigals picture in the painted cloth; and in that vein he is so courageous, as to brandish his Blade against Hector singly, or (for a need) you may turn him loose to combat with all the Nine Worthies. We saw once one that was so Pot-valient, that in revenge, he with his sword thrust poor Judith into the belly, because she killed Holophernes when he was drunk: Some boast their Descent and Antiquity of their Housrs, and Gentry of their Predecessors: Some brag of their wealth which, perhaps, their accursed and miserable fathers did purchase either by buying and selling Justice, or by bribery, Extortion, or some other execrable way over the Devils back, and therefore their sons and heirs do take a mad or a drunken course to spend it under his dam's Belly with Rorering and Whoring. Some in their drink do make no bones to speak Treason, and indeed they make nothing to prattle and scribble Scandala Magnatum▪ Some will utter all the secrets they know (and more too) and by those means they have undone themselves, their Wives, Families, Friends, and Neighbours; Some have foolishly (when the drink was in, and the wit out) lent away all their money, or prodigally paid all the Reckoning, or run into bonds for others, or been tempted and won to take up fine commodities (at cheating dear rates) as gingerbread, Rattles, mousetraps, tormentors for Fleas, Tennis Balls, and Mundunga Tobacco. Some have sold their goods and lands (in their Ale) and they have been beggars ever after being sober. To add to this, many of Sir seldom Sober's men have been so cunning as to transform money, goods, lands, health, reputation, and liberty, all into drink, and with a few words of their mouths, (like a charm) they have turned their good friends into most deadly and inveterate Enemies; Some are much inclined to steal when they are drunk, and because they love to be in action or practice, they will pick their own pockets rather than want work. And some of them are such enemies to sloth that they will sleep upon an alehouse or tavern-bench to avoid idleness.  
Thus every day all sorts of people and Nations are drunk in several forms and postures, as in one place one may find or meet a Dutchman bloated like a stinking Herring: in another place a Welshman stewed as mellow as a prune: in a third place a Scotchman mulled with drink and smoke: in a fourth an Irishman pickled in Vsquebagh, and lastly, an Englishman shall be all this and more to, for he will be drenched, stewed, mulled, pickled, stewed, and bloated; there is no learned Pot-leech or Renowned malt-worm, that is worthy to hold the candle to an English Drunkard, for by the inspiration of his Tap-Lash, and the infusion of the spirit of the spiggot, he is Geometrically skilled to turn a Quadrangle into a Circle, and to drink round at a square Table. The first Health is called a whiff, the second a Slash, the third a Hunch, the fourth Thrust, the fift is called Pot-shaken, the sixth is seeing the Lions, the seventh, he is scratched, the eighth, his Nose is dirty, the ninth, he hath whipped the cat, the tenth, he is foxed, the eleventh, he is bewitched, the twelfth, he is blind, and the thirteenth and last, he is drunk.  
Drink is of that quickness in operation, and of such celerity to inspire the brain of man, that I did once know a Gentleman that rode to the university of Oxford, who entered the City about two of the clock afternoon, and at his coming thither, he could not speak any Greek or Latin at all, but by the enthusiasm of drink, and drinking roundly and squarely, and with brief and diligent potting and cupping, he profited so well, that in less than four hours he had forgot all his English, and could neither speak or understand any word of his Mother tongue. One boasted what a Traveller he had been, and how he had been robbed and cheated in every Country where he came: As he had the luck to lose his Manners in Barbary, the Wild Irish and Red-shanks, stole his civility, the Welshman gulled him of his truth. In Hungaria he was bereaved of his Abstinence and sobriety, in Sclavonia he lost his Gentility, in Spain his honesty suffered shipwreck, and in Amsterdam he stumbled, and (with the fall) lost his Religion, or shattered it into Heresies, Sects, & schisms; and all these losses and detriments happened to him in his drink, or drunken madness. He brags further, that he hath been at Terra Incognita, where some Ladies do say their prayers; and many Courtiers do keep their words, where the Usurers do lend and take no interest, and prodigal Gallants erect Almshouses, where Scriveners and public Notaries do wear long ears, and townsmen have very short foreheads; all these Rarities he saw in a drunken dream. Besides, he said, that he was in England, and there he saw wonders, as King Henry the 8 codpiece, Charles Brandon's lance, Ancient Pistol's Sword, Smugge the smith's Cap, Sir John Falstaffs pistol, Caesar Vandunks Bottle, Queen Guinnivers Masque, Penelope's Fan, Lucretia's Busk, Cleopatra's Fall, and the muff of Semiramis: and all these & thousands more whimsies, Carwhitthets, Conondrums, and enigmatical tricks and toys are daily done by Drunkards.  
And can any woman (that hath reason) or any man that hath sense blame us poor weak Feminines, to be grieved at these enormities; I, with the best of all my sex do appeal to all whomsoever have but indifferent capacity and judgement, be they of what degree soever, either male or female.  
But yet I remember a few mischiefs more which drunkenness hath and doth daily overwhelm us with all; sometimes they quarrel, and not only quarrel but kill on another in their drunken roaring vain, and oftentimes for very wicked causes, these tavern frays or brawls have happened, as sometimes because the one had not his Cup filled as full as the other, sometimes for not drinking all out (which is termed, winding up your bottom) footing off your bowl, sup up your Cider) or some other such like learned phrase, and the casting away of a small snuff hath often bred a quarrel, or the not pledging a Health, which was begun to some unworthy person: perhaps, some oppressing inhospitable Great Man, or to a Begging-making Project-monger (whom a Commonwealth is bound to pray for over the left shoulder) or the Health may be perhaps to some musty Madam, or musky Gentlewoman, or to a common prostituted Whore, and such vile occasions as these many men have stabbed and slain one another. There hath been two killed in the same unkind kind, within these few years, with only being stabbed into the eyes with Tobacco pipes.  
And likewise, or more properly) in the like foolish way, they have thrown pots down the stairs, and a Drawer, or some other person (at the same time) hath been coming up the said stairs, who hath met the said pot (being violently cast) with their faces or heads, and been killed out right: Thus have they by these mad-brained courses too oftentimes made hazard of souls, by dispossessing them from men's bodies so suddenly and unprepared, also they have run their necks into the noose of the Law, by making untimely work for the Hangman. And lastly, (too many of them) have made forfeit of their estates, goods and Lands, leaving their wives beggared, and their children nothing but a scandal, that their father died an ignominious death for killing of a man when he was drunk.  
But though this be bad which I have related, yet there is worse than this behind, for as we are commanded to do no murder, (which is not to murder, others) Then surely they are most inhuman and uncharitable, who do murder themselves; which bloody and barbarous fact is not to be excused in such as do wilfully drink themselves to death, as Master John Stowe, in the 385 page of his Folio Chronicle, or Annals, doth recite a lamentable and remarkable accident, of 180 persons that died in their drunkenness in less than three days' space, and in the 753 page of the said book, he relates the like that happened to our Englishmen at the siege of the groin in Gallizia, where many hundreds lost their lives with drinking. And if you but consider & take notice of our Weekly bills for the sickness, you shall find that every week some do end their days only having killed themselves with surfeits, of which all men do know that drunkenness is the chief occasion. And in the general Bill for the year 1636, it is set down, that within London and the Liberties thereof, there died no fewer than 371 persons all of surfeiting, and also 24 starved with famine in the fields & streets, whom half the superfluous expenses of those that killed themselves with surfeiting might have relieved. There are three words or names of several things which do begin with the letter H. All which are good (if well used, but as they are too much abused, they have been the overthrow and ruin of many; they are Horses, hawks and Howndes; some Horses have proved like Sinon's jade to the Trojans, their hungry entrails have devoured and destroyed their Masters Illium, and scarcely left them a Cottage to hide their heads in, some have found their hawks like the Vulture to Prometheus, after they have muted away their substance, they have preyed and tired upon their very Hearts. And some their have been so addicted to hounds, that in the end their Dogs have devoured them like so many Actaeon's. Now likewise there are three other things, whose names do begin with the letter D, of which (two of them never were, are or will be commodious for man, and the third (which is most useful and necessary) is by the abuse of it) the only bane of misgoverned mankind; They are drabs, Dice, and drink: I will not say but drabs may prefer the prodigal from the Palace to the pigsty, where he (being leaden with want, misery, and diseases) may be brought to learn and feel the virtue of repentance. Secondly, the Dicer may (by his often slurring the bones of the dead) be brought to have a feeling acknowledment of his own living and most wretched condition: But the Drunkard is implacably obstinate to be so, he is, (as it were) riveted to drink, he is inexorably rooted in his vice, and so unmovable in his affection to be drunk, that though there be remedies for all other sins, yet there is nothing but death itself that can turn an old Drunkard into a sober course.  
Besides the most impudent and frequent offenders, that are addicted to any other vice, be it what it will be, they have some show of modesty, or desire of privateness in the acting or committing of any of their engrafted or innated enormity. The thief will warily watch that he may not be seen when he steals. The Whoremaster will be close, the Bawd will be secret, and though the Whore be common, yet she trades privately. He that takes bribes will receive them secretly, though the Projector do aim at every man's goods, yet he covers his intentions, that it is for all men's good, though the cause went against the Client, yet the Lawyer and his fee told him other ways at the first, and though the devil do day and night (with all diligence) seek our confusion, yet he can sweetly allure us with covered slights & poisoned baits, that he hides his ugliness under the shape of an angel of Light. But the Drunkard is more impudent and shameless than either Whoremaster, Whore, Bawd, thief, wicked Projector, corrupted Lawyer, or the devil himself. For although all these before named, are as bad, as wickedness can make them, yet I did never read or hear of any of them that at any time were so foolishly past shame, as to boast or glory in any of their villainies, as many Drunkards will; I have heard some to brag, how many they have out-drank and drank drunk in a day, as he paid one, he peppered another, he sauced a third, he anointed a fourth, he scoured a fift, he drank 27 Glasses or Cups, and won the rump of a Goose, and bravely made all his Company as foxed as fools, and as beastly as Swine, and all the while this mighty and precious piece of service was doing, he plied it hard, and in conclusion, he was not much worse when he ended, than he was when he began. And indeed, it is to be believed, that as one days' work cannot make him much the worse, so it is to be doubted, that many days and nights, with the friendliest counsels, the godliest admonitions, the sharpest reprehensions, the severest excommunications, the dreadfullest execrations; all these can neither mend or move him; but that he hath not only resolved to be wicked, but also to continue so, and to boast and glory in it. But to boast of sin is a degree beyond sin.  
To lay these abominable enormities aside, if we should consider the good a drunkard doth, you will acknowledge him to be a most necessary evil: and (not to bereave him of his due) though he be never well employed, yet he he is never idle; and besides he sets many people a work, that would otherwise be idle (or not have much to do:) As for example; He puts the Constable into business, he keeps the Watch waking; he visits the Justice; he sees the clerk; he is profitable to the Chandler, Tobacco-Pipe maker, and potent Patentee; he keeps the Drawer in perpetual motion; he is beneficial to the glass-house; he enricheth the Wine-merchant, the Vintner, the Cooper, the Brewer, the Victuler, the sergeant, and the jailer; and many times he is so great an enemy to idleness, that he makes work for the hangman.  
And now (sweet Sir seldom Sober) I pray your gravity to take it into your consideration, that these forenamed virtues are no womens' works. Alas, poor silly Wretches as we are, our weak capacities can never reach to the height of such worthiness, we have not the Art to swill and smoke away our husbands, our own, our Children, our Families, and our landlord's food, health, raiment, and rent. And when any of them are surfeited, and dangerous sick, what large promises they will make, what reformed Men they will be, if ever they may recover their Healths; and when many of them are well again, the most part or great number of them do keep their words like men of Dursly. As a pretty Jest happened lately at a Supper amongst some Gentlemen and Women, where one of the gentlemen took a Cup in his hand, and said to a little girl of 4. Years of Age: wife I will drink to you: the Child answered him, saying, I will be none of your Wife: Why, said he? Because you were drunk yesterday, said she: with that they all laughed heartily. But the man replied, and said to the Child, sweetheart, you shall be my Wife for all that; for I will be drunk no more: To whom she answered; So my Father said the other day, when he was sick, but since he is well again, he hath forgot his Promise, and is worse now than ever he was.  
It is reported, that a young fellow was told his Fortune once by a Witch, or a Wizard; which was, that he should commit one of these three most wicked and abominable Facts, and that it was in his choice to choose which of them he would: the one was, he should kill his Father; the other was, that he should deflower his Mother: And the third was, that he should be most deeply and extremely drunk: he in his Heart abhorring the two first, detesting to be the Death of his Father, (from whom he had Life) or to pollute and defile his mother that bore him: to avoid both which execrable deeds, he made choice to be drunk (as thinking it the lesser Crime of the three.) But being brutish Barbarous, and beastly possessed with too much drink, so that he knew not what he did, or said, he then committed all the three faults, of which he made a drunken shift to avoid but two.  
And what woman can be such a Tame fool, as to hold her tongue in her mouth, and (like a dumb Beast) say nothing to her unthrifty Husband, that shall day and night wash down his throat, with all, or the most part of their maintenance, and piss against the Wall his health, wit, money, and credit; and all her comfort is, that he comes home, stinking, spewing, Belching, spitting, spawling, slavering, and (being once laid) snoring, like a hog in a sty: or if he be not in that vein, perhaps he is in a worse mood to swear, curse, fight, fling, and throw. As one of your watermen (Sir seldom Sober) the first letter of his name is J. came home Delicately mad drunk, and plucked a Ropes end out of his Pocket, wherewith he most sorely beat his wife; which she poor woman was fain to suffer with grief and impatience: but within a week after, they being friends, she provided him the same Ropes end for his supper, boiled in Broth, like an eel, and when he had eaten the Broth out of the Platter, he took his Knife, with intent to cut part of the eel, and finding it to be hard for his cutting, he asked his Wife what it was? Truly Husband, said she, it is no worse than what you gave me; and therefore I thought good to make it ready, and cook it for your Supper. Sir, it is a grief to see, that a Gentleman of your great Calling, is so ill attended in the forenoons: for commonly the greatest number of your servants and followers do lie long a bed, so that you have but small and slender service of them, till three or four of the clock in the afternoon, and from that time, till past midnight: the taverns, alehouses, and streets are furnished and thronged with all sorts of people, that for your honour are sufficiently drunk, and for your further reputations, in all places by their drinking, speaking, going, or any other action or posture of theirs they do declare themselves to be Sir seldom Sober's men.  
And now I think it meet and convenient to Relate some few of their merry prank and feats which they have done in their drink.   

1.  
A Young Roaring Gallant had newly entertained an old Gray-bearded servingman, whom his Master commanded to fetch him some beer, for his morning's draught; for it is to be noted, that it is almost a general custom or fashion to drink nothing else but Wine all the day after. The old fellow having brought the beer delivered it to his Master; who said to him Thou hast some experience by reason of thy age, and therefore I ask thy advice, Whether it be better for a man to take his morning's draught standing or sitting: the Servant answered, that it is best to take it standing: Nay then I perceive thou art a fool, said the Gentleman: for all Doctors, and physicians, and other best approved judgements do hold it meetest to drink it sitting: Truly, Sir, said the other, I am of a contrary opinion, for I think it the wisest way to stand to my drink in the Morning, and to sit down to it in the afternoon, when I cannot stand.   

2.  
THere was on Richard Long, who was Yeoman Sadler to the King: The said Long had made shift to be in a tavern a long time, from one of clock in the afternoon, till midnight: in which space he was grown very sufficiently drunk; at last, taking his leave of his Comrades (the sky being almost as dark as pitch) so that Long was forced to grope and foot out his way, from the Burrow of Southwark to the Thames, to take a Boat: and as he passed from St. Margaret's Hill, through a way which is called the Dead man's place: wherein there are certain Posts driven to keep the Carts from the Foote-way. But Long came stumbling, and blundring a good pace, and withal ran his face and breast against one of the Posts, which he taking to be a man, up with his fist and struck the Post, and with the blow broke his knuckles; whereat he was more angry, and running violently to strike another blow, the Post repulsed him so stiffly, that Long staggered backward, and fell into a Ditch that was behind him: in which Ditch there was a little dirty soft Mud, (for the water was at that time ebbed out) Long being thus laid in a soft Bed, one Nicholas Bennet, that dwelled near the Bankside, a Needle-maker by trade, he came in stumbling Post haste the same way, and for want of eyesight he shouldered the said Post so strongly, that he was made to recoil in that manner, that he fell backward into the Ditch also, and as hap was, he fell upon Long, who supposing that he that assaulted him upon the way, had likewise pursued him in the Ditch; he started up and said, Thou Rogue, what wilt thou rob or murder me, thou troublest me in my going home, thou threwest me into this Ditch; and dost thou follow me hither to do me a further mischief? and with that he lays about him, and heat poor Bennet, who cried out to him, Master Long, I do know you well enough, as I am a Christian I fell in here against my will: I was driven in here by a Post that stands in the way, I pray you hold your hands, for I knew not of your being here in the Ditch: My name is Nick Bennet, a Needle-maker. Upon which words the Battle was ended, and as they fell in and out Post, they grew friends, and groap'd the way to bed by leisure.   

3.  
ANother that had been late at Foxe-catching, was going (or intending) home to his Lodging, the moon being at the full, shining very bright, so that the shadow of a signpost lay cross the gentleman's way, that he by no means could stride over: (for he imagined the shadow to be a high rail) whereat he offered, by lifting up his leg to get over, but could not lift high enough; all this while the host of the house (that was the owner of the inn and the sign) stood in the shade of his door, and noted what danger the Gentleman was in, and stood closely smiling to himself; but at last the other espied him, and asked him what he was, and who kept that house, that had dared to be so bold as to rail up the streets, to debar Gentlemen of of their passage in the Night, to their Lodgings: and withal he would know what sign was over his head, and to whom it belonged? To whom the Man answered, Sir, I am a man; I keep not the house, but the house keeps me; I have not railed up the streets, but you have reeled in the streets: and whereas you would know what sign it is, to tell you the truth Sir, it is the greyhound in Southwark; but to speak more properly, It is a sign that you are drunk.  
And now I am in the moonshine, I remember a trick or two more of the same kind: for once there stood a maypole in the Strand, which had the shadow of it cast quite thwart the street, which a drunken gallant being double-sighted, supposed to be a broad ditch, over which he could not possibly get, till at last he wittily threw his cloak over the shadow, and after that he threw his sword; and then going back again some dozen or twenty steps, he fetched a run, and rann● with such great advantage, that he valiantly, and fortunately Leaped clean over the maypole dith Shadow, swearing that he would complain to the Justices