Bull, Bear, and Horse, Cut, Curtail, and Long-tail. With Tales, and Tales of Bulls, Clenches, and Flashes. Is also here and there a touch of our Beare-Garden-sport; with the second part of the Merry conceits of Wit and Mirth. Together with the Names of all the Bulls and Bears. LONDON, Printed by M. Parsons, for Henry Gosson, and are to be sold at his shop on London Bridge. 1638. This Dedication is directed, to his well-Affected and much Respected, his often Approved, and truly beloved, Mr. Thomas Godfrey, Keeper of the Game for Bears, Bulls, and Dogs. KInd friend, I am sure you can defend me from being bitten with your Bears, though not from being backbitten by Envy; you can stave me, and save me, from the Goring of your Bulls, but there are too many herds of other Horned Beasts to But at my Inventions, and toss my harmless meaning, as their empty judgements, and Witless fancies are inclined; howsoever I am resolved to love you, and not to Respect them I am glad that you can say that an excessive time of charge is passed with you, and I hope for better days and times. I have touched here and there merrily upon the Game, but so far from offence, that I do expect that it will be pleasing both to the Wise, and to the Indifferent Readers. And me thinks very fools should not be angry with it, for I have thrust in a great many Babbles to please them to If any thing do seem distasteful in it, my Comfort is, that a Wise man will not set his Wit to mine, and be offended but if a Fool be angry, than I will not set my Wit to his, and take exceptions. And thus with my best wishes to you and yours, I remain a poor friend to you and yours, john Taylor. Bull, Bear, and Horse, Cuts, Curtols, and Longtailes. COncerning Bulls, sure no man is so Dull, Orignorant but that he knows a Bull: There are more sorts of Bulls then Bears by odds, For lupiter, (the chief of Heathen gods) Into a Bull, was pleased himself to Shape, When on Europa he committed Rape: And to a Bull, he turned his form divine When he (on Ceres) got fair Proserpina. Taurus (the Bull) is if you wisely Note A Sign Celestial for the Neck and Throat, If any doubt of it, let them but go And buy an Almanac, he'll find it so. Pasipha Queen of Crect, (a Royal Trull) Was monstrously enamoured of a Bull: 'Twixt whom the Monster Minotaur was got, As in th' eighth Book of Ovid it was wrote. But sure the stories truth is better framed, That says there was a man there (Taurus named) Who was beloved of the lustful Queen, And had with her too oft familiar been. 'Tis said Semir amiss (King Ninus Mother) Did love a Bull, which is as true as tother, When as Just Minos, (Creets victorious King) The Megarans did to's subjection bring, For which to jove a feast he solemnised, Wherein a hundred Bulls were sacrificed. The Brazen Bull of Ph●…llaris the Tyrant, Was such a Beast, as made the World admire on't, In which men Roasted, were to death Tormented, And he first suffered in't that it Invented. There dwells a man at Rome, that Bulls can make, To make seduced Kings, and Kingdom's Quake, Which Bulls (though Led) (O wondrous to behold Are quickly Metamorphosed into Gold. There's the Philosopher's Admired Gem, (That long sought Jewel, worth a Diadem) That hard, hard stone, which many men have sought And all they found, they found themselves worth nought; The Castle Angelo, doth it Immure And there turns drossy Lead, to Gold most pure. There are Bulbeggers, which fright Children much, There are Bull Taverns, that men's Wits will touch; And further (for the Bull's Renown and fame) We had an excellent Hangman of that name. Suppose a man's matched with a beauteous Wife, Who with an ugly Dwarf defiles her life, To please her husband, she can fiddle, faddle, Whilst oftentimes a Monkey fits his Saddle, A man may say, that he most basely is Bulled with an Urchin, through his Wives Amiss. And now of late a Bull's a Common Creature, For men (with nonsense) do speak Bull's by Nature, From East to West, from North unto the South, Bull's are produced each hour, by Word of Mouth. Which every day are brought unto the Printer, Faster than Mother Puddings made her Winter. To the decay of many a Tallow Taper, And the consuming many a Ream of Paper, Soft Malt doth make sweet Fire, the Proverb says, Or else the Bull says so, you see which ways. If men would use to Leap before they Look, Bulls should not thus be thrust in many a Book, For though Care may be Killed with any Cat, You are not sure the Fire is in the Fat, Fools fain (say they) do often make fair Words, Yet some may Catch the Bush some beat the Birds. But Better comes the seldom, I desire For My Kill set the Peck of Malt on fire. This any man may to himself apply That When the Larks fall, we may catch the sky. But if my Judgement do me not deceive I do esteem it better lack than leave. Though Brawn and Bacon breeds from Boars and Hogs, Yet hungry Puddings Will eat dirty Dogs. And sure a man had better bide away, Then come to late, A Fair after the Day. If such a one speed well, it is as rare, As 'tis To catch a Taber with a Hare. Which is as certain as blind Fortune's Wheel, Or hold fast Like a wet Tail by the Eel. Let every man a true decorum keep, Because 'tis ill, A waking Dog to sleep. And 'tis a Proverb throughout Christendom, That never One day was not built in Rome. If great men give me nothing, I say plain, I'll hurl as much as that at them again. He that sticks down a Goose, and steals a Feather, Doth (by that match) not save, or profit neither. Along Corn for short harvest men may see, Like tedious woeing for a scornful she. 'tis folly for a man to fall at strife With Women, who hath nine Cats like a life; For when the Gray-Horse is the better Mare, A Blind man may be taken with a Hare. Spit in your hold, take better hands I say, We may be here to Morrow, and gone to day. The man that angry is without amends, 'tis fit (without a cause he be made friends:) For though men know their cattle by their marks The greatest men are not the wisest Clerks. I purpose no man's credit to defame, But He that is balfe hanged, bathe no good name. Though all these Rhymes are scarcely worth a Token The Water to the Pot goes till 'tis broken. Who cuts their fingers must abide them bleed. And when Geese preach, then let the Fox take heed. 'tis hard to make me think, or late, or soon, That ever Green Cheese was made of the Moon. Nor is it fit (as I do understand) To put a mad Sword in a naked man's hand. A man may be a Drunkard or a Lecher, And yet mend as the Bolt doth mend the Fletcher. Or as the sour Ale mends the Summer, so A man (mistook) may make his friend, his foe. For all this, 'tis not fitting to be booked, How once old Lincoln o'er the Devil looked. The Ancient Proverb still doth stand in force, Some better may look one then steal a Horse. It may be some will not these lines allow, But then they take a wrong Ear by the Sow. T was never yet a question in the Law, To stumble at a Block, leap over a straw. But any man of simple wit may find, That all this Corn hath shaken down no Wind. He that will wrangle for an Egg that's Addle, Although he lose the Horse, may win the Saddle. And thus my Muse, most lowly elevated, These English Proverbs hath to Bulls tranflated. More worthy, and Remarkable observations of the Bull. AS is before Repeated in my lines, Taurus (the Bull) 'mongst the Celestial Signs; So Taurus is a Mountain, whose high Top Doth seem to scale the Skies, and underprop The Bull that's stellified; That Hill doth Bound All Asia on the North, about it round Is many a Kingdom and large Continent, Which shows the Bull is mighty in extent. A Bull's a Beast of State and Reputation, For he that eats Bull Beef, (by approbation) With eating such strong meat, I do assure ye 'T will puff him up, and make him swell with fury. If any man will but himself examine, he'll find a Bull, a Buckler against famine, A Bull's a happy Creature, whence proceeds Most of the food, whereon most people feeds: He, and his sweet hearts (most beloved Kine) Yields thousands where with all to sup and dine. The Calves, (his sons and daughters) plenteously With young and tender Veal, our wants supply. And from the Bulled Cow, (in perpetual motion) Milk flows amongst us daily like a Ocean, Sweet Cream, and Cockney Curds they yield each day, And (for the poor) Whig, Buttermilk and Whey, Cheese Raw, or Toasted, or to Bait Mousetraps, And Butter, to anoint the Flemings Chaps, The Milk-pans' do allow, like bounteous Pools, Means to make Cheesecakes, Custards, Flawns, and Fools, And at the Milk-pale, I have seen and heard Good Sullabubs, have been both made and marred. It is the Bull's Conjunction with the Cow (With blessed increase) that doth these things allow. Without the Bull we should be so unstored, The Kingdom could not yield a Posset Curd. Know then by this (good Reader) what a Bull is, And he that will not know it, but a Gull is. The One (the Bull's strong Eunuch son) is Chief Of Mortal meats, (man-feeding vigorous Beef) And who so will amongst the Butchers seek In London, and in Westminster each week, With those two Cities Bounds, and Liberties, With Country Butchers, and the great supplies That Market folks do to those parts Impart (The Load of many a Horse, and many a Cart) The Beefs thus slain, and eaten would appear Above 3000, each week through the year. Chines, Sirloins, Flanks, Clods, Legs, doth fill us full, Brisket and Marrowbones comes from the Bull; A Neats-tongue dried is dear, a Dish of State, At Stillyard any man may know the Rate. * I unumerable are the people and families that live by the Bull, and the Bull's offspring. With many more things which I'll not Recite, 'T would trouble men to Read, and I to write. Thus do the Butchers Thrive, the Graziers Gain, The Cooks and Victuallers, do their states maintain, Souse-wives grow plump and fat, and 'tis because Their sale is quick for Muggets Paunches, Maws, Tripes, Reads, Neatsfeets, Cowheels, & Chitterlings, Whilst many thousands feed on Bag-puddings. Note but how well the Cheese-mongers do live, And what a useful gainful Trade they drive: Yet in their shops there is true Justice found The poor man's peney, and the rich man's pound Shall have true, weightaccordiag to proportion, Without conivence, falsehood, or extortion. Were there no Bulls, Chandler's were beggared quite Nor could they sell our darkness any light At any price of Reason, than our Guise Were soon to go to Bed, and late to Rise. Thus is the Bull, and the Bulls Breed descected In Flesh and Entrales; now my Quil's erected (In what is writ before I have not Lyde) And now I'll siourish over the Horns and Hyde. The Tanner's wealth increaseth day and Night, Till at the last his Son is dubbed a Knight: And Daughters should be (could they purchase pride) With Portions, and proportions Ladyfi'de. The Currier also needs not Curry favour, For though his Trade smell, somethidg hath some savour. Nor would men be so mad as to prefer Their sons bound prentice to a Shoemaker; But that their future hopes do them persuade, It is no barefooted and Bootless Trade. Nor will it ever lack, or live in scorn, Till all our children without feet are borne; For (more than any Trade) he'll sing and play, Whilst every Monday is his Holiday. And when a Shoemaker falls to decay, he'll be a Cobbler new, and mend that way: But there's a monstrous Trade, of late sprung forth, Doth spoil more Leather than their skins are worth, The best Hides they devour, and Gurmundize, Which makes the worst in price too high to Rise; With them the World doth bravely run on Wheels, Whilst poor men pinch and pay, quite out at heels. But hold, what vessel have I set a Broach, What is muse got jolting in a Coach? Out with a vengeance, walk on foot I p●… And to the Bull again direct your way. Now for the excellent Admired Horn More profitable than the Unicorn. For Hoops, for Spectacles, for Combs to dress yo●… (Which when they come so near your heads, pray And 'tis a Bull I have heard often said (bless you) Reach me the Iron Shooing Horn good Maid. And when the Hunted Stag bids life farewell, The Huntsman's Horn doth bravely Ring his Knell, Which was the Bull-calves, or the Buls-horns once Before the Gelder reft him of his stones. Thus from the Bull, and the Bulls Breed you see, A world of people still maintained be; He finds flesh, Boötes, Shoes, Lights, and stands in stead And great importance to afford us Bread. The Bulls dear son (the Ox) with daily toil, Wears out himself with ploughing and turmoil, And all to find us bread, and when he dies, His Flesh, Hyde, Horns and all, our wants supplies. So much for Bulls now in particular, For our Bear-garden Bull, a Bull of war, A stout, a valiant, and a Head-strong-Beast, Which did not fight this 18 Months at least; A Beast of mighty policy and power, That at his Dog foes will look Grim, and Lower, he'll knit the Brow with terror, in such sort, That when he chafes most, than he makes most sport; At push of Pike, he with his head will play, And with his feet spurn injuries away; he'll turn and wind as nimble as an Eel, And kick, and scorns abuses with his Heel; he'll fling and throw, he'll bravely toss & turn, he'll hurl and heave, and dangerously spurn, Note but his valour, when he's at the stake, How he prepares himself the Dog to take: His f●…eet fixed fast, disdaining once to stir, His wary eye upon the angry Cur. Whilst politicly with his Head he weaves, And with advantage up his foe he heaves, With such a force, that often with the fall he's dead, or lamed, or hath no power to sprawl. Thus hath our Bull fought in his own defence, And purchased (for his Master (Crowns and pence. And for that purpose may do so again, (I wish I had the knowledge to know when) For since the time a Bull a Dog could toss, Our Bear-garden had never such a loss: But le's not lay the fault upon the Times, But let us blame ourselves, and cease our Crimes. Bulls, Mistakes, Clenches, Long and short Tales. A Tale of a Bull that was bought instead of a Cow. IT was well known to many ancient people to this day, that in the City of Gloucester, without the South Gate, in the Parish of Saint Ewins, (where myself was borne) there dwelled a Schoolmaster, who was called Master Greene, to whom I with many more went to School, for some small learning beyond the Hornbook; This Master Greene did love new milk so well, that because he would be sure to have it new, he would buy a Cow of his own, and to that purpose went to the Beast Market, but by the way having met with some friends, and a Cup or two of Sack, it had so wrought in the old man's pate, that when he came to the Beast-market, his eyes so dazzled and doted on a fair Bull, that he supposed his Cod to be a goodly Cows Udder; so he (neither naming Cow or Bull) demanded the price of the Beast, till at the last the Bull was bought and sold, and driven home to a stable of Master Green's, who being glad of his good bargain, told his wife of it; and when the Evening milking time was come, Master Greene, with his Wife and Maid, went to the Stable, where the Wench kneeling down to milk, and taking the Bull by the Cod, she said she could find ne'er a Teat, whereat the man and woman were amazed; and the Bull (for his own ease) instead of milk, pissed in the Pail, for the which Master Greene was ever mocked and flouted, and myself (with my Fellow Scholars) to show our acute forwardness in Rhyme, and out of the thallownesse of our deep judgements, composed this poetical Enco nium. Our Master Greene, was overseen, In buying of a Bull; For when the Maid, did mean to milk, He pissed the Pail half full- probatum. Our Schoolmaster did take these Verses so kindly, that having found out the grave Authors of them; he (to express, or declare his love to Poetry) gave us such speedy, present, and yet backward sure payment, that we danced at it, and were so merry, that our cheeks ran down with water. Another Tale of a Town Bull. A Parson of a Country Village (for the increase of Town Calves) kept a lusty Bull, which served for the use of the whole Parish; which Bull, was fallen so poor and lean, that his bones might have been almost told as they were ready to start out of his skin, and the cold Winter being come, the miserable Parson put the Bull to graze on the bare ground in in the Churchyard, (for there was little or no Grass) and there was also a Horse of the Parsons as lean as the Bull, which fed (or fasted) in the said Churchyard. These poor Beasts being almost starved with hunger and cold, and the hardness of their Master's heart, it fortuned that in a very darkenight, there arose a very violent Tempest of wind and rain, so that the Bull for succour and shelter from the weather, went into the Church porch, and there lay down and died with cold and famine. The Horse likewise (having the like purpose to get out of the storm) went to the Church-porch, and by reason it was so dark, he stumbled over the dead Bull, and ran his head against the Church door, which was so old and broken that with the force of the Horses fall, it flew open and let the Horse into the Church, who recovering his legs, and walking up and down, musing where he was, at the last he came to the Bell Ropes, which the Country people that used to Ring, had (for the ease of their hands) made wispes, or wads of Hay fast round about the hand-fasts or handles of the Ropes; the which Hay, the Horse smelling out, he being hungry, laid lips to, and pulled so hard at the Hay, that the Rope gave warning to the Bell, and the Bell to the Clapper, that it Rang now and then a stroke or twain, which the Parson hearing, he marvelled much what the matter should be, or who should jangle the Bells so confusedly at that time of the night, in the mean space the Horse goes from Rope to Rope, (as he could find them in the dark) which caused every Bell to toll in an untuned Diapason: At last the Parson arose, and called up the Clerk, and some neighbours, and lighted their Lanterns (which were the lighter and the heavier for their Candles) so they came amazedly and fearfully to the Churchyard, and there they found the Bull dead in the Church-porch, and the Horse in the Belfry ringing his Knell. Although there be no impossibility in this Tale, yet I am not guilty of the belief of it, nor am I bound to prove it. Bulls with short Tales. A Taxation, or levy, or payment was laid upon a Country Village, for the repairing or mending of a bad highway, against the which collection the people grumbled and murmured very much; So that one of the most grave and wise of he Parish, said to the Officers that gathered the money, I tell you friends, if these kind of Bursements and elections be laid thus tolerably upon us; ' it's enough to make folks mad, and rise in devotion. A Bull. A Fellow going from London towards Rumford in Essex, before he came at Ilford, (some what near the highway) he saw the carcases of three murderers hanged in Chains, and at his return home being demanded what news he had brought out of the country; Truly (quoth he) I have no great news to tell you, but I saw a rare sight, which was, I saw three men hanged in giblets. A clear sighted Bull. ONe met a man in the street, taking acquaintance of him thus, Sir, I am a stranger, and am mistaken in you, for you are not the Gentleman that I took you for, but I pray you pardon me, for I am sure I have seen you by sight. Mistakes. SOme neighbours being at hot contention, for a matter of little or nothing: the business was brought before a justice, who said unto them, My good neighbours, I do wish you to agree, for the proverb says truly, The Law is costly; therefore I would have you to put the Controversy to me, and I will set all differences even betwixt you; Truly Sir, said one, I do humbly thank your worship, the matter concerns my wife, and I put her Case to your Worship withal my heart; in truth quoth another, I am contented, I am willing to defer the matter to your Worship's discredit. A Bull of authority. A Major of a Country Town, being sat with the rest of his Brethren, in the Town-house began to make a grave Oration, beginning as followeth. Brethren, friends, and neighbours, I am in good hope that our proceedings will be to a good purpose, because we are so happily and lovingly separated together amongst ourselves. A she Bull. A Young She Citizen borne, was newly married, having never in her life been a Traveller further than she could hear the sound of Bow-Bell. Her Husband (on a time) went with her into the Country a Airing, whereas they were going thorough a meadow, there was a Tree, upon one of the Boughs whereof a Mole-catcher had hanged up many Moles or Wants which he had taken, which the young woman espying, she called to her husband, saying, O what a solitary life it is to live in the City, where no such fine things do grow as are here in the Country, for look you Husb and here is a Black-pudding Tree. A Roguish Flash. A Poor man was going to the Market (on a Saturday) to buy Beef, he having a Roguish boy to his son, the boy asked him whether he was going; he answered, I am going to the Butchers. O father (said the boy) the Butchers are crafty fellows, and if you take not heed, they will cousin you, therefore I advise you to take the Dog with you, for two heads are better than one. A Flash. A Neat Gentleman, with an Ash colour, or Silver coloured pair of silk Stockings, going hastily through the gate that leads into the Palace at Westminster, suddenly, a woman (or maid) did chance to cast out a dish or pot of newmade warm water, some tale whereof lighted in the Gentleman's shoes, and withal besparkled his silk Stockings; at which, very angrily he said, Thou filthy base sluttish Quean, Canst thou not see, but throw thy stinking piss into my shoes and hose? To whom she answered, Sir, I am sorry that I have done you any wrong, but yet you have done me a great deal more injury than I have done to you, for I would have you know, that I am no such Slut as you called me, neither do I keep piss till it stinks, but I always throw it away fresh and fresh as I make it. A Bull. TWo Gentlemen passing up the River of Thames, with a pair of Oars from London-Bridge towards Westminster, one of the Gentlemen did take somewhat in distaste, that one of the Watermen had either said or done to him; the Waterman did entreat him not to be angry, and said, he did mean no harm, and was sorry that a Gentleman should be angry for nothing; but the more the one did entreat, the more furious the other was, insomuch that he said to the Waterman, Sirrah, hold your prating, for I vow as I am a Gentleman, if I do rise and come to thee, I will knock thy head and the wall together. A Clench. AN old man had sat tippling so long at the Alehouse, that he had almost gotten a Loaf out of the Brewer's Basket, and having an unhappy Boy to his son, who came for him to get him home, to whom the old man said, Sirrah Boy have a care of me, and lead me well, for my head is very light; to whom the Boy answered, Father, it is long of your eyes that your head is light, for if they were out, your head would be in the dark. A Bull. A Gentleman riding in the Country, attended with one Servingman, they met a fellow that was a stride upon a Cow, the Servingman said, Master behold, yonder is a strange sight. What is it said the Gentleman? why sir (said his man) look you sir, there is one Rides on Horseback upon a Cow; that's a great Bull, said the Gentleman; nay sir, said his man, it is no Bull, I know it is a Cow by his Teats. A Mistake. ONe that was a Goodfellow upon the Score so far, that many black posts did proclaim his credit in sundry Taverns, Ale houses, and Tobacco shops, Chalk was the Ink, to remember what Ch●…n●…e he owed for his Drink. It happened, that his brain being intoxicated with late tippling in a frosty Winter's night, and his way being over a little Close from the Alehouse to his own house, he perceiving the Grass all milk-white with the hoary frost; at which sight he merrily said to one that went with him, Now I see that all the world is Chalked, and my Scores will never be seen for me to pay them. A Bull. TWo men in a hot Summer Evening, stripped themselves out of their clothes, to swim or wash themselves in the Thames, or some other Brook or River; and having (as they thought) stayed overlong in the water, one of them said, Let us now go a Shore, and put on our clothes, for it is time to go home. The other answered, do you go on shore first, I will but unlose a point, and come to you presently. A short Bull. ONe said, that the best Bull-dog that ever he saw play at the Bear, was a Brinded Bitch. A City Bull. TWo Citizens, having been making merry in Middlesex, came riding homewards through a Village called Acton (which is six miles from London) and perceiving a fair house, with the doors and windows shut, one of them said, it was great pity that such a handsome building should want an inhabitant; to whom the other answered, you say true brother, it is pity, but if I had this house in London, it should not stand empty here. A Curtoll Bull. ONe said that he was so soused and dashed with a shower of Rain, that he had ne'er a dry thread wet about him. A pretty Bull. ONe was persuaded to go into the water and wash himself, he answered that it was dangerous, and that he did never mean to go into any River, or other water, before he had first learned to swim perfectly. A Mistake. A Man departed from his house, and dwelling privately, without taking leave of any body, and travelled, so that it was not known to any what was become of him, at last there was a supposition that he was killed in a quarrel by a mad fellow that behaved himself so well, that few honest folks loved him. This fellow was apprehended, and arraigned at the Assizes for suspicion of the fact, and by some strong presumptions appeared so guilty, that he was thought fit to be hanged, and after a years imprisonment, he went abroad now and then (with the leave of the jailor) where by chance he met the man that was supposed to be slain by him; whereupon the prisoner got his liberty: who coming among his old Consorts, he said, My Masters, I have endured a great deal of trouble about killing of a Rascal, and nothing grieves me so much, as that I met the Rogue sixteen months after in Aylsbury Market. A Bull. ONe said that the High Sheriff of Yorkshire did entertain the judges in a brave and commendable fashion, with one hundred and twenty men, all in one saire Livery of Grey Marble. Of a Friar. A Preaching Friar once reproved his Auditors for sleeping at his Sermons, but yet (said he) I pray you do not refrain coming to Church though you do sleep, for God Almighty may chance to take some of you napping. Of a Sailor and his Wife. A Sailor was absent on a Voyage three years, in the mean space his Wife had a Boy, twenty months old, to entertain him withal at his return: the Sailor said, Wife, whose child is this: marry husband (quoth she) it is mine, and God sent it me in your absence. To which the man replied, I will keep this child, because God sent him, but if God send me any more on that fashion, he shall keep them himself. A witty Tale of a new married man. A Young fellow being newly married, having been from home, came suddenly into his house, and found his Wife at foul play with another man: the poor young Cuckold ran presently and told his wife's father all the business, who replied thus; Son, I married her mother, and I tell thee plain that thy wife seems to be her daughter in conditions as well as feature, for I have taken her mother many times in that manner, and no warning would serve her, till in the end age made her leave it, and so will thy wife do when she is old and past it. A Tale of three Gossips, that would know, Whereabouts a Cuckold's horns do grow. THree Gossips in a Tavern, chatting over a Pint of Sherry, said one of them, I muse whereabouts a Cuckold's horns grow; quoth the second, I think they do grow in the pole, or nape of the neck; verily, quoth the third, I do think it to be true, for my Husband's bands are always worn out behind. Of a Whore. ONe called a Whore lazy jade, content yourself, quoth another, as lazy as she seems, she is able to carry a man quick to the Devil. Of Cuckolds. A Company of neighbours that dwelled all in a row, in one side of a street; one of them said, Let us be merry, for it is reported that we are all Cuckolds that dwell on our side of the street (except one) one of the women sat musing, to whom her husband said; (wife) what all a mort, why art thou so sad? no, quoth she, I am not sad, but I am studying which of our neighbours it is that is not a Cuckold. A Clench. A Gentleman being in a house of iniquity, or Cousin-German to a Bawdy house, the room being very dark, he called aloud for a light Huswife; to whom a Wench made answer, I come Incontinent. He calls for light, she under stood him right, For she was vanity which made her light: She said she would incontinent attend, To make her Continent, she needs to mend. A Mistake. TWo Maids (or servants) dwelling in a house together, the one of them having occasion to use a Steel, smoothing Iron, or some such kind of Laundry Instrument, and having sought it, and not finding it, said to her fellow, thou dost mislay every thing in the house, and art so busy a baggage that thou canst let nothing stand; to which the other answered, and you are so way ward and tasty, that a little thing troubles you, and puts you in a great anger. A Gentlewoman's answer to a Captain. IN a time of Peace, a Captain being in company, where after dinner there was dancing, with whom a Gentlewoman was desirous to dance, the Captain said, he was made to fight, and not to dance: to whom she answered, that it were good that he were oiled and hanged up in an Armoury, till there were occasion to use him. Of a Huffing Gallant ONe asked a Huffing Gallant, why he had not a Lookingglass in his Chamber, he answered, he durst not, because he was often angry, and then he looked so terribly, that he was fearful to look upon himself. Of a fellow that was whipped. THere was a fellow that (not for his goodness) was whipped at a Carts-tayle; and in his execution he drew backward, to whom a Gentleman (in pity) said, Fellow, do not draw back, but press forward, and thy execution and pains will be the sooner passed and done; to whom the Rogue answered, It is my turn now, when thou art whipped, do thou go as thou wilt, and now I will go as I please. Believe it if you list. ONe said, that he had travailed so far that he had laid his hand upon the hole where the wind came forth: a second said, that he had been at the farthest edge of the world, and driven a nail quite thorough it: the third replied, that he had been further, for he was then on the other side of the world, and clenched that nail. Of a Pope. THere was a Pope, who being dead, it is said that he came to heaven gate and knocked; Saint Peter (being within the Gate) asked who was there: The Pope answered, Brother, it is I, I am the last Pope deceased; Saint Peter said, if thou be the Pope, why dost thou knock, thou having the Keys, mayest unlock the gate and enter? The Pope replied, saying, that his predecessors had the Keys, but since their time the Wards were altered. A Tale betwixt a Miser and a poor Man. A Rich Miser, being reviled by a poor man, whom he had oppressed; the rich man said, Thou Dog, leave thy barking: the poor man answered, that he had one quality of a good dog, which was, to bark when he saw a Thief. An unhappy answer of a Boy to his father playing at Dice. A Man being deeply in play at Dice, having lost much money, his son (a little lad) being by him, wept; quoth the father, Boy, why dost thou weep? the Boy answered, that he had read that Alexander the Great, wept when he heard that his ●…her (King Philip) had conquered many Cities, Towns, and Territories, fearing that he would leave him nothing ro win; and I weep the contrary way (quoth the boy) for I fear that my Father will leave me nothing to lose. Of one that oppressed the Poor. AN Oppressor having field all the trees in a Forest, which for a long time had been the relief of many poor people, said, that it was as good as a Comedy to him to see the trees fall; to whom a poor man said, I hope, as thou makest a Comedy of our miseries, that three of those trees may be reserved to finish a Tragedy for thee and thy children. Of one that forgot his old acquaintance. ONe lamented his friends hard fortune, that being raised to a place of honour, was grown senseless, forgetting all his old familiar acquaintance, and so far from knowing any man, that he knew not himself. Of Instruments and Engines. THe Plough surpasseth the Pike, the Harrow excelleth the Halberd, the Coulter exceeds the Cuttleax, the Goad 〈◊〉 better than the Gun; for the one 〈◊〉 are the Instruments of life and profit, and the other are the Engines of death, and all kinds of calamities. Either shame, or hunger. A Poor man is in two extremes: first, if he ask, he dies with shame; secondly, if he ask not, he dies with hunger. An Officers excuse. ONe being in Office, was reproved for negligence; his excuse was, that it was his best policy to be idle: for if he should do ill, he should displease God, and if he should do well, he should offend men: 〈◊〉 whom one answered, you ought to do ●…our duty, for in well doing you shall ●●ease God, and in ill doing you shall ●…lease men. How women take pleasure to be sued unto. Women take great pleasure to be to be sued to, though they never mean to grant. Of Suits in Law. ONe said that Suitors in Law were mortal, and their sure immortal and that there is more profit in a quick denial, then in a long dispatch. Of Rome. A Traveller was talking what a good City Rome was, to whom one of the company said, that all Rome was not Italy for we had too much Rome in England. Irish wood an enemy to Caterpillars. A Country Fellow came into Westminster Hall, where one told him that the roof of it was made of Irish wood, and that the nature of it was such, that no Spider would come near it, and he said (further) that in Ireland, no Toad, Snake, or Caterpillar can live, but that the Earth, or the Trees will destroy them: Ah (quoth the Country man) I wish with all my heart that the Benches, Bars and Flooring were all made of such earth and wood, and that all Coaches, Barges, and Wherries, were made of Irish Oak, that all our English Caterpillars might be destroyed. Thomas Coriat's complaint of john Taylor. MAster Thomas Coriat (on a time) complained against me to King james, desiring His Majesty that he would cause some heavy punishment to be inflicted upon me, for abusing him in writing (as he said I had) to whom the King replied, that when the Lords of His Honourable Privy Council had leisure, and nothing else to do, than they should hear and determine the differences betwixt Master Coriat the Scholar, and john Taylor the Sculler: which answer of the King was very acceptable to Master Coriat. Whereupon I made this following Petition to the King. TO THE KING'S MOST Excellent Majesty. The humble Petition of john Taylor, your Majesty's poor Water-Poet. Shows, MOst mighty Monarch of this famous I'll, (Upon the knees of my submissive mind) I beg thou wilt be graciously inclined, To read these lines my rustic Pen compile: Know (Royal Sir (Tom Coriat works the wile, Your high displeasure on my head to bring; And well I wot, the sot, his words can file, In hope my fortunes headlong down to fling. The King, whose Wisdom through the world did ring, Did hear the cause of two offending Harlots; So, I beseech thee (Great) great Britain's King, To do the like for two contending Varlets. A brace of Knaves your Majesty implores, To hear their suits as Solomon heard Whores, A Ribble-Rabble of Gossips. THe space of a fortnight from the Bear-baiting, two hours and a half from the Windmill, about four of the Clock in the forenoon, a little after supper in the morning, between old mother Maudlin, of the Parish of Idiots, Plaintiff, of the one party, and Gossip Gitlian, of Gossip's Hall, in the Parish of Twattlebourgh, of the other party, Defendant. A maver in Controversy depending of issues, whereupon it was consulted by the right reverend Matron, Madam Isabel, that Katherine should go no more a Maying with Susan in the cool of the Evening before sunrising, whereupon Lister took the matter snuff, and swore by the cross of Audr●… Bugle-bow that jone should jog to 〈…〉 house to borrow her poking stick: upon this Philiday starts up very jeparately, and commands Margot to make haste to Rache 〈…〉 house, and borrow a dozen of left handed spoons: now old Sibyl all this while sat mumping like a Gib-Cat, and on the sudden she starts up, and thrusts Charity out of doors, to take up her lodging where she could get it; Doll being much offended to see Margot invited to Prec●●●aes wedding, by no means could suffer Abigail to break her fa●…t before she got Victuals; presently Beatrice whispers Sicily in the care foftly, that all the company heard it, and bade her tell Alice, that unless she took heed, the pot would run over, and the fat lie in the fire; at this Mary clapped her hands together, and entreats Blanch to tell her Cousin Edith, how she should say that Luce should say, that Elizabeth should do the thihg she wots of. Amy hearing all this with a judicial understanding capacity, at last tells Parnell, that her daughter Rebecka was gone to lie at her Aunt christian's house in Shooing-horn Alley. Now in the heat of all this business, Barbara tells Frances how there is good Ale at the Labour-in-vaine: the matter being brought to this pass, Winifrid says that her god-daughter Grace, is newly brought, (God bless the child) and that Constance the Comfit-maker's wife, at the sign of the Spider's leg, must be Gossip; out alas says Temperance, what have I forgot, I should have been an hour agone at Prudences the Laundress, to have taken measure of a pair of Cuffs for her Maid Dorcas: Now to conclude the business, Martha protests that she will never trust Thomasin again while she lives, because she promised to meet her at Pimlico, and bring her neighbour Bethya with her, and came not. Nevertheless Faith went to mother Redcaps, & by the way metwith joice, who very kindly batled her penny with her at a fat Pig. Well quoth Sara, all this wind shakes no corn, and I should have been a starching Mistress Mercies Lawn Apron, and like a good Huswife I am prating here. Neighbours and friends, quoth Arbella, seeing the matter draws toward so good a conclusion, let's e'en have the other Pint before we go; truly says jane, the motion is not to be misliked, what say you Gossip Ursula truly says Ellen, I would go with you with all my heart, but I promised to meet Lydya at a Lector that we might take a neighbourly nap together. Upon this rose a hurly burly, that the whole assembly dispersed themselves diverse ways, some one way, some another, and in conclusion, the business was all wisely ended as it was begun. A Bear. Bear and forbear, I now speak of the Bear, And therefore (Reader) give, or lend an Eare. FIrst therefore, in much briefness I am rendering Where, and how Bears have breeding and engendering, Some are Ossean, some are Callidonian, Some Aeremanthian Bears, and some Aemonian, Some rugged Russians, some Sunburnt Numidians, Amphibians) And last, the white swimming Bears, Some do affirm a Bear to be a creature, Whelped like a lump, with neither shape or feature, Until the Dam doth lick it into fashion, And makes the lamp a Bear in transformation. As Tailors with their precious wisdom's Talons, Do lick, and Metamorphose Gulls to Gallantt. Whereby a fashion oft is shaped (by chance) Out of an ill-bread lump of ignorance. But for the Bear he keeps his shape most constant, The Tailor (and his creatures) change each instant, The Bear keeps still, the fashion he brought hither, The gallant Gull's inconstant, like Wether. A bear's a temperate Beast, most free from riot, A prudent Schoolmaster, of sparing diet, he'll live four months from every kind of meat, By sucking of his left foot, like a Teat. Which is an abstinence that doth require, More than the fast of a Carthusisian Friar, No Capuchin, or immured Anchorite, Did never (so much) curb his Appetite. And as Bears suffer hunger, I am sure, No beast created, doth more cold endure: When fridged Boreas' blustering blasts do blow, Midst Rocks, of hoary Ice, and hills of Snow, The worst of Winter's sharp extremity, The hardy Bear, abides most constantly. And in hot Africa, and the Libyan Coast, Where Phoebus' flames doth seem the world to Roast: Where Negro Moores, are dried and blackly died, That heat (excessive) there the Bear doth bide. So that with hunger, heat, and pinching cold, The Bear's extremities are manifold. Being grown unto Maturity and strength, And having hither past the seas, at length, At Bear-garden, (a sweet Ro●…untious Golledge) he's taught the Rudiments of Art and knowledge. There doth he learn to dance, and (gravely grumbling) To fight & to be Active (bravely tumbling) To practise wards, and postures, to and fro, To guard himself, and to offend his foe; Upon his hind feet, Tipto stiff to stand, And cuff a Dog off with his foot-like hand; And afterwards (for recreations sake) Practise to run the Ring about the stake. Whilst shouts, and Mastiffs mouths do fill the sky That sure Actaeon ne'er had such a cry. Thus Bears do please the hearing and the sight, And sure their scent will any man invite: For whosoer'e spends most, shall find this favour, That by the Bears and Dogs, he's made a savour. And as a Commonwealth, (oft by Ill-willers;) Is vexed by prowling knaves, and Caterpillars, So is a Bear (which is a quiet Beast) By Curs and Mongrels, oftentimes oppressed. And tied to what he doth he's bound to see, The best and worst of all their cruelty. And for men's moneys, what shift ere they make for't, What ere is laid or paid, the bear's at stake for't. Though he be hardly drawn to't, against his will, he's bound to see and bear, and bide much ill; Besides the baiting of a Bear is rare, Unlike the baiting of a Horse or Mare: The Horse hath Provender, and hay for Bait, And doth in peace and quiet eat his meat; When as the Bear, is Tugged, Lugged, Bit & Beaten And eats no Bait, but likely to be Eaten. A Bear is like a Watchman by his coat, He wears a Rugge-Gowne always (if you note,) And (like a Watchman) oft a Bear will be As mannerly, and watch as well as he. And as a grumbling Officer may wear A color and a Chain, so doth a Bear. 'Tis writ by Authors (Philosophical) How that a Bear is useful, Physical, For Agues, and hot Fevers, take his hair, His Grease (or Lard) will aching Limbs repair: His Marrow strengthens, (if you do anoint) Shrunk Sinews, Nerves, or an enfeebled joint, The oil boiled from his feet will operate The Gowtes tormenting much to mitigate, And when man's in consumption, like to pine, The Bears pith's good, that grows amidst his Chine. A Bear's skin Tanned it'h hair, is for a bed Better than Blanket, Rugg, or Coverled. A Bear's Teeth, Painters in high price do hold, To make them Instruments to gild with gold, And for his Fur it is such excellent stuff, That Many a Lady wears it in a Muff; Dry a Bear's Liver, and to Powder beat it, And let a Maid of forty five years eat it; Although a thousand false Knaves would deceive her Yet she shall keep her Maidenhead for ever. Thus having showed of Bears their sundry breeding Their forms, their admirable sparing feeding: Their patience, courage, temperance, sortitude, And many virtues that have them endued, For fear I should men's patience much offend, I'll give one short touch more and make an end. Then for the further honour of the Bears, They (with the stars) are mounted in their Spheres: There Vrsa Major in the firmament, Is stellifide, a glorious ornament, And there, the little Bear, (a star more finer) Is called Artophilax, or Vrsa Minor, And who so reads the second part of Ovid, There shall they find (what here is writ) approved. Now once again, pray lend your eyes and ears, I'll write of baiting of the Bulls and Bears. It is a Game so ancient, that I wot Records can scarce show when we used it not. Except now, in these sad infectious times, That heaven's just hand doth plague us for our crimes, The Game is by authority suppressed: And Bears, and Bulls, and Dogs, have too much rest, Through want of baiting grown to such a strain, (Hard to be tamed, or brought in frame again) Almost all mad for want of exercise, Filling the Air with roaring and with cries, That those who near the Bear-Garden are dwelling Do hear such bellowing bawling, yawling, yelling, As if Hell were broke loose, or (truth to speak) The Devils at football were or Barleybreak. There's three courageous Bulls, as ever played, Twenty good Bears, as ere to stake was taid, And seventy Mastiffs of such Breed and Races, That from fierce Lions will not turn their faces; A male and female Ape (kind Jack and Jugge) Who with sweet compliment do kiss and hug, And lastly there is Jack an Apes his Horse, A Beast of fiery fortitude and force. As for the Game I boldly dare relate, 'Tis not for Boys, or fools effeminate, For whosoe'er comes thither, most and least, May see and learn some courage from a Beast: And 'tis not only a base Rabble Crew, That thither comes, It may be proved true, That to the Bear-garden comes now and than, Some Gamesters worth ten thousand pounds a man. For rough behaviour that's no great disgrace, There's more hors-play used at each dear hors-race, More heads, or legs, or necks, are broke each day, At Cards, Dice, Tables, Bowls, or foot-ball-play. The Game hath been maintained, and will, we hope Be so again (now favour gives it scope) For Kings, for Princes, for Ambassadors, Both for our Countreym●…n, and foreigners. Which hath been held, a Royalty and Game, And (though eclipsed) will be again the same. But now (to make an end) must be explained, How it the name of Paris-Garden ganed: The name of it was from a Royal Boy, (Brave Illion's firebrand, wrack and sack of Troy) Paris (King Priam's son) a sucking child, Was thrown away into the woods so wild, There that young Prince was cast to live or perish, And there a Bear with suck, the babe did cherish; And as a rare memorial of the same, From Paris, Paris-Garden hath the name. Those that will not believe it, let them go To France, in Paris, they may find it so, Or if not there, let them look narrowly, In Matthew Paris famous History. And that we have obtained again the Game, Our Paris-Garden Flag proclaims the same. Our Bears, and Bulls, and Dogs, in former state, The streets of London do perambulate, And honest sport, and lawful merriment, Shall thrice a week be showed, to give content. here follows the Names of the Bulls and Bears at the Bear-garden now. The Bulls are, 1 Goldilocks. 2 Emperor. 3 Dash. 4 juggler. The Bears are, 1 Ned of Canterbury. 2 George of Cambridge. 3 Don john. 4 Ben Hunt. 5 Nan Stiles. 6 Beef of Ipswich. 7 Robin Hood. 8 Blind Robin. 9 judith of Cambridge. 10 Bess Hill. 11 Kate of Kent. 12 Rose of Bedlam. 13 Nan Talbot. 14 Mall Cutpurse. 15 Nell of Holland. two white Bears. 16 Mad Bess 17 Will Tookey 18 Bess Runner. 19 Tom Dogged. If any will have one of these, or some, Or all, let them to our Bear-garden come: These beasts are for their service bound, & 〈◊〉 And there their pleasures may be satisfied. Upon the goodness of a worthiness of Horses, with a merry touch of the Bear-garden Palfrey, or Jacke-an-Apes his Horse. MY Muse is Mounted 'twixt the soaring wings Of Pegasus, who bravely flies and flings Through air, through clouds, through sunshine, & descries Each earthly Regions Rare Varieties. The numbers infinite, of sundry creatures, Their strange diversity in forms and Natures, And as in gliding flight, I swiftly soar O'er Sunburnt Africa, and the Libyan shore, There (with much pleasure) I did cast mine eye Upon the wellmade Horse of Barbary, And crossing o'er the Mediterran Maine, I saw the prancing Jennet of proud Spain, strait the Iberian fume of Aristippus, ●…url'd us to Greece, and there I viewed their Hippos. Then back o'er Italy amain we flew, Whereas their fierce Cavallo I did view, In Naples I the Courser brave espied, Thence, we o'er Almain, and low Belgia glide, There my Muse saw the bounding Palfrey Prancen, From thence my winged horse bore me over France There foaming fiery hot the gallant Gaul, Did dance Corantoes with his Frenth cheval. Then o'er Hibernia, we took speedy flight, And there the Irish Hobby pleased my sight, Then my Pegasian wings began to flag, I viewed the English Steed, and Scottish Nag. And as the heat of blood my Bcast inflames He kicked and threw me headlong into * Pegasus cast me off his back, and I sell into the Thames, which was the cause I served an apprenticeship to be a Waterman. Thames, And as I fell, his hoof bestowed a wince, Upon my pate, and there's the mark ere since. The gentle River at my fall did grieve, Set me on land safe, gave me means to live: And Pegasus inspired me with his heel, That ever since an itching vain I feel, Of sprightful Poesy, though not so well, As men may say I therein do excel. But I can do (as many more have done) Bring Reams of Paper to confusion. Nor doth my Muse rejoice in merriments, Drawn from wits sordid obscene excrements; I'll curb her in, from meddling with the State, Or libelling against men infortunate, I mean to keep my ears upon my head, And on men's miseries I scorn to tread. I have observed no proud man ever yet, Did any thing but ruin, and hatred get; I know obedience, and humility, Is best with all beloved tranquillity, I know the laws guard me from mischief's Jaws, Which laws I love, & those that made those laws Nor shall my lines (for things indifferent) In Church or Commonwealth ere make a rent. Thus Pegasus did to Parnassus' sore, And on the Thames I got a healthful Oar, Which ofttimes I have used, and will again, Mean time I'll use the vigour of my brain, As Homer writ the wars of Mice and Frogs, So I (his Ape) do write of Bears and Dogs: Of Bulls, and Bulls begot by word of mouth Of Horses, and some Tales of age and youth, And now my Muse again begins to mount, The Horse's excellency to recount, You famous Palfreyes' of the flaming Sun, (That scorned the management of Phaeton) Who with the heat of Sol's bright Axletree Caused all this under world on fire to be; (I know the moral meaning of the same, Is, man should not beyond true reason aim.) Let Ecus, Phlegon, Aethon, and Piruis, Apollo's golden Team Assist my Muse, But 'tis no matter, keep your daily course, Without your aid my wit is ne'er the worse; Whilst you are reeking with celestial sweat I, of Terrestrial Horses mean to treat. A Horse (of all the Beasts beneath the sky) Is best, and most for man's commodity: His exact making gives the eye delight, A body brave, lined with a noble spirit, And though he knew no reason, or a mind, Yet unto man he's tractably inclined, In dangerous war, the Horse the brunt doth carry, Where every Rider seems a Sagitary, In peace, a Horse for state, for Tilt or Tourney, For quick dispatch, or ease in any journey, For pleasure, carriage, and for husbandry, The Horse doth furnish our necessity. The poorest Horse that is, or ever was, Doth much more service than the golden Ass, That's decked with borrowed trappings, yet such beasts, Advance audaciously their brainless Crests, near where the Princely Lion doth resort, And there in pride and sensual lust do snort, Yet can they not out strip all beasts so far, But Wisdoms eye perceives them what they are. The hunting Horse is of good use for pleasure. The Sumpter Horse doth understand the treasure. The Mill-horse hath an endless journey (round) The Packhorse overladen measures ground, The Mare and Gelding servesour business well, Whilst (for poor Hackneys) England is a Hell. And what's a Horse's gain for all his pain, But bread, grass, hay, oats, or such kind of Grain, tires. That is the summum bonum, he desires, Through want of which there's many a good Horse I have seen Gallants (three parts drunk almost) * The had usage of unconscionable riders to horses Ride, as they meant to see the Devil in post, And when they to their journey's end have come, Their horses mucky wet, with sweat and foam, The Rider's fall unto their drinking vain, The Ostler walks the Horse a turn or twain, Their jaws tied up unto the empty Rack, The whilst their Rider's smoke, and swallow sack, Quaffes, capers, sings a Catch, a round, or Ditty, And leaves the Horse unto the Ostlers pity, And so the jades of meat do get such store, As Lazarus once had at the Gluttons door. Thus many a good Horse proves a jade indeed Being over rid, and want whereon to feed, All those that to a beast bears such a mind, I wish them all so served in their kind. There's many ways, men's barbarous cruelty, Doth cause diseases multiplicity To be in Horses, and the damned Trade To sell a Botched sophisticated jade, In * Much cheeting in Smithfield, in buying and selling Horses. Smithfield is in practice twice a week, He that believes me not, let him go seek. There shall he see the ambler made to troth, The lame and foundered, lusty, (being hot) The trotter shall be forced with ease to amble, And through the horsemarket shall be such scamble With galloping, and trotting, ambling, pacing, Most odious swearing, lying, and outfacing, Such daubing horses griefs with counterfeiting, That he's a cunning buyer escapes their cheating. In ancient times, horses much fame did gain, Which Poets and Historians do maintain: Besides the swift skie-scalding Pegasus, Great Alexander had Bucephalus, Reinoldo had his Bayard, and there are, Names given to horses, both in peace and war. But leaving stately horses, it is found † Upon the Bearegarden Horse. The Bear-garden is circular, or round, Where jack-an-apes his horse doth swiftly run His circuit, like the horses of the Snn. And quick as lightning, his will trace and tract, Making that endless round his Zodiac, Which jack (his Rider) bravely rides a straddle, And in his hot Career perfumes the saddle; he's active, and he's passive in his pace, And sprung from ancient and approved race, His grandsires grandsire, was begot perforce, Between the Nightmare, and the Trojan Horse, That female Horse of Sinon, in whose womb A hundred well-armed mad Colts had their room, Which being foald, spoilt Troy, with sword & flame, and from that Jade, our jade descent doth claim, For (as his parents oft have done before) He always keeps a jadish trick in store. FINIS.