Skimmington, and her Husband.  
Divers Crabtree Lectures.  
Expressing the several Languages that shrews read to their Husbands, either at morning, Noon, or Night.  
With a pleasant Relation of Shrews Monday, and Shrews Tuesday, and why they were so called.  
Also a Lecture between a Pedlar and his wife in the Canting Language.  
With a new trick to tame a Shrew.  
Printed at London by I. Okes, for john Sweeting, and are to be sold at his shop in Cornhill near Popes-head Ally at the sign of the Crown. 1639.   

Marry Make-peace, of the Manor of Allwell, in Northamptonshire, to all the Sisters of her Female Society, Health, Hearts-ease, and Happiness.  
Sweet Sisters,  
ANd fellow Spinsters, (for the weakest of us is no worse, and the best no better) it is the Character under which all our Sex is comprehended; I lovingly salute you all hoping you are in as good health of body, and in quiet of mind, as I was at the writing hereof: These are further to let you understand, that it is come to my hearing; how by the course carriage of some amongst our Sex; others, whose modesties are no way guilty of the like misdemeanour, are not privately bated, but (even in Print) publicly branded: & by such who consider not, that as there was a Maechael Helena, so there was a Matron-like Hecuba; and as a loose Lais, so a loyal Lucrece. Nor that we might as well retort upon them, that as there was an Hercules, so there was an Herostratus; and as a Salemon, so a Sinon.  
But all this is to little or no purpose: you know my name is Mary Make-peace, and have always studied to make peace betwixt both Sexes: Then, though they rail at us, let not us revile them: for patience must prove our best preservative: For as the Grammar rule learnedly instructeth us: Foemineo generi tri●●untur— propria quae maribus: which is, as I interpret it: Though the Feminine gender be troublesome, let us seek to please proper men, lest they bring us down upon our Marrowbones: which done, we shall prevent all prejudice and divert all disasters.  
I confess there is Tabytha Turbulent, of a terrible tongue; and Frank Froward, who though she be given more to pouting than to prating, yet neither of them I hold to be necessary: Betrisse Bould-face doth all things without blushing: And Ellen Everheard makes too much noise amongst her neighbours: And of the like quality and condition are Parnell Prate a pace, and Rachel Rail at him: Ursula Vpsefreeze is condemned to for her uncivil carriage; as proved to be no better than a pot companion: As for Hannah Hit him home, and joaene jowl him well, they are valued in the rank of Vixens, and will be loud by no allowance: these hnmours I like not.  
Marry again, (for that's our women's constant phrase, when we bury our husbands) There are on the contrary side, Grace grieve him not, a simple and good soul: Kate Kisse-well no cunning, but a conniving creature: Luce Lye-close no wanton, but a willing wench: Dorothy Doe-little not to be caveld at, because so called: for you know the Proverb, so said, so done, and little said soon amended: and for Sisly Sweet-lips my sister, and Margery Quiet my Cousen-german: if all the rest were of their simplicity, and modesty, men should not have such reason to cavil at us, nor we such cause to complain of them. Alas, why should not Ivory teeth bridle intemperate tongues? and soft lips conceal sullen hearts? or why should a fair face be the betrayer of hidden faults? of all these things, as a Sister of your society, I thought good to advise you.  
Given at our Manor of ALLWELL. MARY MAKE-PEACE   

The Table.  
OF Shrews Monday, & shrews Tuesday, and why they are so called. 
p. 1  A Lecture of an Apothecary's wife to her husband, who was chosen Seavenger in his parish. 
p. 10  A Lecture of a Barber's wife to her husband. 
p. 21.  A Lecture of a Sergeant, or Catchpoles wife to her husband. 
p. 26  A Lecture of a Country Saddler's wife to her husband. 
p. 32  A Lecture of an Horse-coursers wife to her husband. 
p. 37  A Lecture of a Tailor's wife to her husband. 
p. 47  A Lecture of a Poet's wife to her Husband. 
p. 59  A Lecture of a Farrier's wife to her Husband, and a neighbour a Glasiers wife coming to mediate the matter, fall both a railing. 
p. 66  Item, for the Farrier's diet, which he had always from his wife. 
p. 36  A Lecture of a Butcher's wife to her husband. 
p. 89  A Lecture of a shoemaker's wife to her husband. 
p. 96  A Lecture of a Baker's wife to her husband. 
p. 102  A Lecture of an Innkeepers wife to her husband. 
p. 109  A Lecture of a Tobacco man's wife to her husband. 
 A Lecture of a Locke-smiths wife to her husband. 
p. 128  Skimmingtons Lecture to her Husband, which is the errand sold. 
p. 132  A Lecture of a discreet and modest wife to her husband, who was an Alderman's Deputy. 
p. 150  A Lecture of an Informers wife to her husband. 
p. 162  A Lect. of a Country man's wife, that was a gentleman's Bailie. 
p. 169  A Lecture of a Broker's wife to her Husband. 
p. 177  A Lecture between a pedlar and his wife, in the Canting phrase. 
p. 188  A discourse between two maids concerning their sweetheart's. 
p. 196  A new way to tame a shrew. 
p. 210    

A Crabtree Lecture.  

Of shrew's Monday, and Shrews Tuesday, and why they were so called.  
THey are much mistaken who call these two days, in the beginning of the first week of Lent, Shrove-Munday and Shrove-Tuesday, for we have no word either from the old British, Danish, or Saxon Tongue, neither from any other intermixed language significant to that purpose, proper to the days, or suiting with the time. But if the Reader desire to be instructed in the truth from the Original. Know that the words are miswritten, and mis-sounded, and mistaken, for they should be read and voiced Shrewes-Munday, and Shrewes-Tuesday; and the reason why they ought to be so, I have been instructed thus.  
It is by ancient Custom held to be the only season for Collops and Eggs, Fritters, and Pancakes: and as in the City, so both in the Court and Country: But the accident following, which I am now to relate, first happened in the Country.   

Of a Farmer's Wife.  
AN honest plain simple Farmer, on this leading day of the week, coming hungry from the Plough, found his Wife busily making Pancakes for him and his family: The good man being at that time more humorous than needed, began to be very capacious at every thing, taking unjust exceptions at the coarseness of the flower, the taste of the Suit, the thickness of the Batter, and the like. At which the good woman, though she smothered it outwardly, yet vexing inwardly to be so crossed and troubled in her business, as knowing he was better experienced in the Plough, than the Pan, and to eat Pancakes better than to make them, entreated him to sit down and be patient, and she would presently show him a new trick for his Learning.  
The simple Novice desirous of novelty, began more calmly to listen to her, and asked her what it was? who readily answered again: Sweet Husband you see this Pancake I am now turning: mark it well: now take this platter in your hand, and go into the yard, bending with your Back against the door, looking strait forward, not stirring from where I shall place you, and when it is ready, I will toss it from the fire out of the top of the Chimney, & it shall fall directly into your dish, and be ready at the watchword when I shall say Now.  
The silly man thinking she had spoke seriously was soon persuaded, and kept his place (with his face from the door) stil● looking upwards towards the top of the Chimney when it would first fly out, and after fall: when she having given the watchword, came suddenly behind him, & with the pan and all clapped the Pancake upon his head, with a blow which had almost struck him down: and to excuse herself, said thus; O Husband, if your block head had not been in the way, the Pan-cake that light upon your pate had fall'n into the dish: and I fearing what is now fall'n out, thought to have catcht it in the pan, if you had failed in the platter.  
At which words the husband rubbing his Brows, well basted with the fat of the Pan, said unto her; Now a mischief take thee for an arrant Shrew: this will make me think on this Shrews Monday (for thy sake) whilst I live: and from thence, it is thought, the day had its first denomination. And without question upon the like accident done by some cursed Shrew or other came the next day following to be called Shrews Tuesday, & so weeping Wednesday, terrible Thursday, frowning Friday, and sullen Saturday, especially when her husband denies her to go amongst her Gossips on Sunday.  
Hence comes it also that if any one hath crossed another in a business, or done him a bad Office, which mny prove to his damage or hindrance, the phrase that is still most in custom, is to say, that such, or such a man, did purpose, or hath done me a shrewd turn.  
And now follows several Shrews Lectures to their Husbands, and in their several professions: First of an Apothecary's wife to her Husband, because he deals in Simples, and hath taken upon him the Office of a Scavenger.   

A Lecture of an Apothecacaries' wife to her Husband, who is chosen a Scavenger in his Parish.  
NOW Goodman Simpleton, we shall have you grow so proud now you have got an office, that you think none is good enough to be your fellow: I had thought your own employment in your profession had been trouble enough to you, and not to have sought for an Office, and made friends for it likewise: Now I see you are troubled with the Simples, you had not need to go a simpling every year as you do, God knows you have so little wit already: I would you would go the next time & get some Compounds to furnish your selfe with, & to concoct your Brains, for you have now but a shallow wit, and are glad to wear a Satin Cappe to keep that in too: you had need keep home, and learn to know something more in your profession, than what is already printed in books. When any one of your acquaintance is not well, and desires your advice, than you can prescribe them nothing but a little Stybium; then when another comes, Stybium; this is all you can do, only a little Stybium. Go, thou art a stupefied Ass, and knows better how to purge thy Patient's money out of his pocket, than to remove any disease from his body: you will come to them, and ask them how they do, this is all, and bid them be of comfort, when there is a great deal of danger, and pretend to feel their pulse, when your mind is to filch their purse. I would there were a means how to have your Brains taken out, and braid in a Mortar, that they may be a little better compounded, for as they be, thou wilt never be able to discharge thy brave Office, ass thou call'st it, of a Scavenger, for thou canst not cast up any account, nor reckon up any sum above twenty shillings; I hope thou wilt lose by it, and ever after be jeered for thy folly; you imagine yourself a brave fellow, do you not, because you are met by some who knows you, with a money bag in the one hand, and a Roll of the parishioners names in the other: you think yourself not a little graced to be called to this preferment, because you would be taken notice of in the Parish: and now you have got a great many of Titles by your Office, the better to honour your person withal, and these are some of them, which your memory cannot bear: first you are Duke of the Dung-Cart, than Earl of the Channel, Lord of the Soil, Viscount Rubbish, Commander of the Sea-coal Ashes, and Master of the Dunghill, a goodly company are they not: It is no marvel indeed you must make you a new suit of Apparel to perform this Office in, and to go up and down the street and from door to door, to gather your money in, as if you were to beg an Alms; and go twice or thrice before you can be paid your due: you had better never had served this base stinking office, and have given so much money out of your purse, because you lose so much time, and likewise is in danger of every rascally knave or promouters complaint to one Justice or other, if a little dirt be left, unless you give them a Fee, as you often have done to hold their tongues; or else you will be clapped by the heels a day and a night, and this is all the good you will get by your great Office.  
Husb. I prithee good wife have patience, it is but a little while longer; I have served it hitherto with commendations & I hope I shall come off with credit, though it be a little time lost and money spent, I will get it up again, for that is the first Office that every man must serve, and so by degrees come higher and higher, and at length to be Churchwarden, and then let me alone to help myself, for all my loss of time and expense of money; I will then beg hard for the poor, but charity begins at home; it is but when I receive money from the others that collect it, be a little close fisted, or hold it between my fingers with the palm of my hand downwards, and make as though I had a louse in my neck, and shrug a little of one side, and then of the other, and so thrust it down into my neck where I have a list of cloth about my waste that it cannot fall down or drop out: let me alone, I will be cunning enough for them I will warrant you, and though thou count me but a shallow brained, & simple fellow, because I am an Apothecary and use simples; yet thou shall know I am not such an idiot or fool to lose all and be laughed at too, but I will make some body pay for it; and so good wife do not any way disparage me in my profession or judgement any more to any of my patients; and though some of our own trade call me at their pleasures and say I look like an Ass, yet I am not one, let those term me foolish and simple, if I fall into any of their hands to take Physic. I think those are the greatest simplisians that use Physic most, and so I hope good wife I have given you satisfaction for this time, desiring you to have patience, in saying little, and doing no more, and in so doing, we shall remain always friends and lovers.   

A Lecture of a Barber's wise to her Husband.  
O Thou base Shaver, who wilt not suffer an hair to grow amiss in another, when thou thyself livest out of all order; thou that pellest and polest the Commons, and boastest that a King must be bare to thee, when thou art forced to stand, when every Beggar sits that cometh under thy fingers: thou thinkest thy self a trim fellow, and canst trim thyself every day in the week; when, upon thine own knowledge, I cannot be trimmed once in a fortnight: nay, and am glad of that too, if I could tell how to come by it: but what can be expected from such a scrape-scull as thyself; who art no better than a Nitty, nay, a very lousy fellow, who though thou never repentest thyself of thine own sins, makest every man that sits in thy Chair, to put on white Linen, and do penance: For thou hast (I dare swear in my conscience) more base-sonnes in private, than Basins hanging at thy door in public: Nay, let the quietest men in the Parish (I might say the Churchwardens themselves) come to be trimmed at thy shop, thou keep'st such a bawling in their ears, that (if the Bellman be abroad) the whole street rings on't: but when any business of import comes, than thou art still out of the way. Where wert thou, you Rogue, when the Quean your Nurse was to be shaved? you must be at Sea (a pox take you) I was glad to play the Barber in your absence, and to use the Razor myself, and for my slovenly work to make the world talk of me: You must leave a poor bashful boy at home, and taught him only to barb the beard, and correct the hairs of the chin; but when that work came to be done, he was as far to seek, as thou wert to be found, and that was far enough I warrant you: I was glad to use the aid and counsel of two or three of my best Gossips, and when she was shaved, because the cock was dry, we were forced to carry her to the pump and wash her, and there had been a goodly sight if your rogue-ship had been there to have seen it; you went to sea with a goodly hair of your head, & now you are come home again as bald as a birds-arse, and what excuse have you for this? when any man taxeth thee of it, thou biddest them every night look to the sweeping of thy shop, and there went the hair away, and is this a sufficient answer for thee thou pole-davies?   

A Sergeant or Catchpoles wife to her husband.  
A Sergeant? I would I had married with a Syrreverance, when I matched with thee; what canst thou do without thy Yeoman, and if he stand not to thee, (which is seldom) what art thou then varlet? thou art the Bloodhound, and he is the Beagle, to set, and watch, and follow, and lie lurking in secret corners to catch poor men as they go about their business when they least think of it; and then thou wilt hail them like a dog through the street, if they will not give thee what money thou wouldst have; thou dealest in so many of other men's cases abroad, that thou canst say little or nothing to thine own (though it lie never so open) at home, a catch pole, a cutpurse, nay a very caterpillar of the common wealth, teaching bankrupt freemen to sing a counter-tenor in woodstreet and the Poultry, and practisest pricksong in the Suburbs amongst thy Roisters and polecats; I confess thou art a shoulder clapper, but thou seldom clappestwhere thou shouldest clap, thou pestilent pill-garlicke, you are called an officer (with a vengeance) I pray you what good office have you ever done me, unless to keep me above stairs, whilst you lodge others in the hole, and that is a courtesy with a curse to you; thou pratest to me of the paper house, I had as live thou hadst kissed me where I sat on Saturday, for to thee the cheeks with eyes, and the blind cheeks are all one, and so thou art all one, and I think wilt never be otherwise; you will be called a young man too, you old rogue, but I pray you when shall I see any of your youthful tricks? not in haste I warrant you; you will be sure to take an order for that; and if I should die to morrow, you know where to have your second wife the next day after: the same Bell that tolls to my burial, will ring out to you second bridals: But now I think upon it, I'll spit in my hand and take better hold, to put your nasty worship out of your conceit, and to set wiseacres your whore's nose besides the cushion: nay it shall go hard but I will be before hand with you both: thou broughtest home a prisoner to me last week, a young Grocer that had newly set up for himself, and left him in charge with me, till thou goest abroad to talk with his creditors; I confess I kept him there close prisoner, and a good guest he was for the time, for he discharged the whole house, and over and above he paid me sound; since whose departure I have not been very well at ease, and for his sake when I am sick; let me have Sinnamon enough, and Ginger enough, and Sugar, Nutmeg, and Cloves enough; but I shall never more for his sake endure any Mace in my Caudle   

A Country Sadlers wise to her husband.  
When I married with a Saddler, I would I had married with a Sowgelder, nay in my conscience I think I should have had the better match of the two, for so many years I have been thy wife, and yet this Wiseaker could never find the wit to set the saddle on the right horse: now my pity on thee thou poor patch-panel, yet for all thy pitcherie & patchery thou never thinkest of mending the patch thou shouldest most mind, thou thinkest to curb me, and snaffle me, to bridle me, and to feed me with a bit and a knock, but I wonder when I shall find a good stirre-up come from thee: all thy care is to see other folk's jades made fine, neat, and handsome, whilst thine own beast at home can neither be combed, rubbed, nor curried, so that for want of good dressing she is ready to fall into the disease of the scratch, which makes me ready to scorn thee with my heels; for thou art never like to come so near as my heart: It is an old proverb and a true, who goes worse shod than the Shoemaker's wife; and I may say by experience, who useth the saddle less than he that owes it; but I could serve thee in thy kind, and show thee a trick for thy learning, for where thou keepest thy own saddle-tree bare, I know how, and where to have it covered with plush and velvet, and yet thou neither the wealthier nor the wiser; this I can do, and this I will do, if thou shortly dost not mend thy manners: but thou usest to serve me, as thou dost thy best customers, when thou shouldst stuff their faddles with good Merchantable hair, thou bobst them off with the coursest hey bought in Smithfield for ninepences a truss, but that's a thing that I do not stand so much upon neither; what care I how thou cheatest abroad, so thou wouldst be careful to give the devil his due at home; nay bootless it is to chafe, or vex, or fret, or fume, 'tis all to no purpose; nor trouble me in my tale, till my lecture be read at large, for my tongue shall walk till my breath fail, and after some little pause I shall be ready to begin again; nor do I purpose to give over till mine hour be full out; nay never offer to stop thine ears, but if thou wilt needs be stopping, stop where thou shouldest stop, for thou shalt never stop my mouth whilst thine eyes are open.   

A Lecture of an Horse-coursers wife to her Husband.  
IT is a Custom amongst all men and their wives, though they never agree so well, yet at some time or other their slow fires will grow into combustion, and as the fuel is added of either side so to grow to a great incendiary; and so it happened betwixt this couple: An old Horse-courser (betwixt whom and a knave, there is as little difference, as betwixt him that I named last and a Broker) married a young wife, (a pretty modest slut she was) and had spleen in her, (as ill women have) but never showed it, and like a flint had concealed fire, but till he with his steel struck too hard upon it, there never appeared any sparkle; but when the Tinder once takes, you may light a Candle for any merchant's Lantern, to show all the street over: and so it fared with these, for he having tempted her beyond all patience, her breast swelling till she had almost burst her lace, she fell into these Terms. An Horse-courser, an hang-dogge, for Hangman is too good a name for thee, who wouldst ride more Gills than thou dost Jades: (for an honest wife is too good for thee, or any of thy generation) thou for thy cheating in horses better deservest to be burnt in Smithfield than any women for poisoning her Husband: but the Devil shall poison thee before I will: for none of all your spurre-galling Rascals shall make an holy day for me: But I perceive such saddle-nosed, and saddle-backt Rascals, set them but (like a beggar) and they care not how they ride to the Devil. Thou goest from Hostry to Hostry, but it will be long enough before thou wilt set up thy Nag in my Stable, thou wall-eyed wickedness: A Rogue of thy years and hast not sowed all thy wild Oats yet? before I will lead this life with thee longer I will eat hey with an horse, you base blinkinsop: nay more, if every man had his right, and the Devil his due, thou art worthy to be hanged in the very halter that thou leadest thine horse in.  
Gladly he would have interrupted her, and began to say something to small purpose: but the Jack was wound up, and down it must, and therefore not to be meddled with till it was ready to be wound up again: For she had vowed to Do out her do; and that she would see done, and therefore pursued her discourse in this manner.  
Do you begin to kick like your galled horse already? Nay, I thought I should set you beside your stirrups. Thou hast more mystery in thee than a Mountebank, and more tricks than a Juggler, and passest more lame & poor commodities, broken wound jades, than either of them with their hy-passe and repass. Hast thou not brought an old mare into the Market, (on my knowledge) above fifteen, and laid thy hand upon her head, and sworn to thy Chapman she hath been under five? (equivocating, and meaning your five fingers) and what was this better than cheating? nay, when thou hast sworn a nag to be sound of wind and limb, (and yet I never knew thee to be so of either) when thy Customer hath taken him out to ride him for a trial, and found him to halt down right, hast thou outfaced him, that he had no other fault, but that he took him when his feet were asleep: and what was this better than Coney-catching? Thou art a very cruel hearted fellow, to beat and belabour thy horses every hour in the day with a broomstaff about their sides, to make your Customers believe they are full of mettle, when it is for fear of thy Cudgel they stir & move about: thou hast such base tricks in thee, that my conscience will not suffer thee any longer to reign in thy roguery: Nay more, thou keepest thy hackney Whoors: They stand at the bottle, (of Sack and Claret) but I am tie up to rack and Manger, and none but a Mangy fellow would offer to use his wife so: Nay, I have put Breeze under your Tail, I think I have nettled you, my tongue hath but ambled all this while, or at least gone an easy Trot; but spur me on a little further, and put it into a false Gallop, and then come upon me the best of you all, Cut or Long Tail: Thou shalt not finde that my Tongue will tyre within a Mile of the Town, nor myself neither if I were well tried. But for mine own part (as thy Conscience can witness) I am neither well littered, nor well provendered, nor well breathed, nor well rubbed, nor well curried, nor indeed well any thinged. Thou keep thy market without the rails? thou ride thy horses in Cuckold's pound? have I wrung you in the withers? have I rubbed you on the galled back? have I in the stead of an handkerchief, given you a drench for your glanders? Now fie upon thee for a rank Rider, thou shalt find in me from henceforth there shall be more in't then to get up and ride.   

A Tailor's wife to her husband.  
MOst sure my father was frantic, and my mother mad, and both of them out of their wits, to match me to such a Mopus: I was in hope they had married me to a man, but they have thrust me on a Tailor, of which three of the best, can scarce make a good on: he talks of nothing but his yard, and his yard, and is not able to afford his wife London measure; whilst thou sittest cross-legged upon thy board, like a Hare on a poulterers stall, I am fain to lie crossing mine arms in my bed, I wish thou wouldst eat less bread, and take more drink, and then there were some hope that in time thou wouldst learn to wind up thy bottom: when he thinks to do his best, it is but so so, and he cannot go thorough stitch with any thing; I thought I should not have met with so simple a seeming mate, or so purblind a Coxcomb that cannot see in the dark to find the eye of his own needle which any other could do blind folded: if any one see thy back they may know by thy feet and thy legs that thou art a Tailor, a Hare and a Tailor doth much agree, thou sittest on thy shopboard crosslegged, so doth a Hare lie crosslegged on a poulterers stall; do you remember that a Nobleman gave you a cast suit, and you like a proud rascal went and put it on, and marched to the Court to see the mask, and forgetting yourself, put your hand in your pocket to pull out your handkerchief to wipe your face, and then came out with it your thimble, your button-moulds, and your bodkin; was not this a bold trick of thee thou lousy nitty Tailor: the proverb is very true of you, Tailor like, poor, proud, and beggarly, not worth my Grandames groat: you go like Gentlemen into Knights hou-houses, which are your customers, and then you return like watchmen, with your bills in your hands; There is many a Saddler and Body-maker beholding to you, for you furnish them with the finest cloth and taffeta to make their saddles and their bodies with, which you steal out of a customers garment, and when you are asked if any cloth or stuff be left, than you will swear, and lie, and protest you could hardly make it serve, and that you had not an inch left in the world, no not so much as to lap about your finger; then they believe you, when you have it in your hell, or in your cutting house which devours more such remnants then ever Wood the great eater of Kent did penny loaves all his life time: and how many yards of silver lace have you nimed and kept back by your stretching and pulling of it, to the spoiling of many a good garment; nor do you allow me any thing to wear but what you filch and steal off other folk's garments; the other day I did but desire to have a new lace to put upon an old petticoat which hath been twice in Trig-lane, and thou would not buy it me, nor should I have any thing unless I would accept of that small remnant, as you called it of six or eight yards of lace, which you cozened our Sexton's wife the other of: you pay the rent of the house by this unlawful means, and unless you let me have a new gown, my conscience will not suffer me to conceal this your knavery, but I will reveal it, and have it put in print to the view of all men: you have now a suit on your back, the other now is at pawn, and lies in lavender, and though some think it to be all alike behind as it is before, but it is not so, for there is nothing but Canvas behind, and only buttered before to make your neighbours believe you are a brave fellow.  Hus. 
This it is for me to reveal the secrets of my trade to my wife.  Wif. 
It is no great matter, you are a haire-braind fellow, and a jealous coxcomb: I must not forsooth speak to a Customer, or to one of my Lodgers, but presently your blood is up, and hold up the fist, and look on me, as the Devil looked over Lincoln, and use me at your pleasure when they are gone; but if you continue this course of rough dealing with me, & will not let me have my will, I will make you ashamed of it: I will say nothing else; you may imagine: for if men use their wives as they should do, it is the cause of preserving many a smooth brow, which otherwise would prove rough and rugged, by their unkind dealing with them: and what you get of me by your ill words and usage of me, you shall put in you eye, and see ne'er the worse.  
Thou busiest thyself in gathering other men's rents, and if I have but a stitch in my side thou know'st not how to take it up: Thou a workman, thou a very botcher; and such I shall ever hold thee to be: Besides, an ungratfull fellow thou art; for though thy Customers pay thee well, yet thou wilt not stick to sit on their skirts; and wilt strive to have other men's hose well lined, but canst afford no stuffing to thine own breeches: and when I look but under thy Shop-boored; me thinks it is a very hell to live with thee, and Purgatory is a very Paradise unto it; and yet with thy snippery and snappery thou thinkest to go shear away with all. Thou art every day basting and basting, and yet canst afford me no roast-meat all the week long: I am sure thou wilt not allow thy servants their bellies full, but pinch them of their victuals; and that is one thing that makes so many Tailors to be Thiefs: one Egg must serve two Prentices for their dinner, and thou makest them eat it with the point of their needles, because they should not eat too greedily to choke themselves. Thou hittest me in the teeth, that thou wilt go to sea and leave me: but I know thou hast not the heart, goodman Hop-kennell: for I know (upon mine own knowledge) that there are no shreds of Manhood in thee: and as she was thus taunting him, a Customer came in by chance, who interrupted her, and the Clock withal struck just eleven; and so she ended her Lecture.   

A Poet's Wife to her Husband.  
Well, I will be short howsoever sweet; & as thou tell'st other men of their faults, so I will not stick to tell thee of thine own errors. Thou an Artist? thou an Ass; a very pen-goose of Parnassus, and thinking thyself to be a minion, art no better than a mere mockery to the Muses: For I prithee what hast thou got either by Helicon, or Hippocrene? scarce good clothes to thy back, whilst thou studiest to uncloake other men's knaveries; labouring to make thy Lines go in even feet, and canst not maintain thy Legs in good Boots: and if your Loggerhead shall get a Laurel, what then? can your Muse feed you with Mutton? or can you buy yourself Beef with the leaves of a Bay-Tree? can your Rhyme make you feed on Rabbits? your Canzonets on Capons? or your Poetry on Partridge? I must confess on Woodcocks they may, if you could find a spring to catch them. You get nothing now a days but by flattery and dissembling, only Wine and Tobacco, by keeping some young Novice company in humouring him, by telling some strange stories, and idle fables, and then at night come home drunk that you are not able to stand, with such a red face, that if your eyes were Matches, they would set your nose on fire: thou a Poet? thou a Pot-head: your invention is never ripe, but when you have been a potting and a piping, and then you have but a flash; for you have not a brain to keep your conceit; it is dead as soon as it is thought upon: thy Poetry hath made me almost mad. I pray you what hath your pen purchased? or your Goose-quill got you? or to what preferment hath it raised you? unless to be the Printers Packhorse, the Stationer's journy-man, and the Player's Drudge: I the Players, who have the wit to keep you poor, that they themselves may prank it in Plush: For who in these days can know a Poet's wife from a Pedlars, or such jacks from Gentlemen? who like Hogs feed upon Akhornes, and never cast up their eyes to look towards the Boughs from whence they fall. I have found it by observation, and so have others, that the first stop to beggary, is to write to the Stage. I speak not of all, but of you poor Poets, who have made them your Idols, who ought rather to have fall'n down and worshipped you, who have put Oracles into their mouths, who would eat the bread out of yours. Nay, do not vex to be Catechised in that, of which I have heard thee so oft (and not without just cause) complain: Further she was proceeding, when one of her Neighbours called upon her to go along with her to the Christening of a Neighbour's Child; so that she was for that time forced to break off on the sudden: At which her Husband was glad to be rid of her clamour; and I not forry, for in her ending so suddenly, she hath saved me some labour.   

A Lecture of a Farrier's Wife to her Husband, and a Glasiers Wife, coming to mediate the matter betwixt them.  
A Farrier having angered his wife in crossing her untoward humour, she fell foul upon him by no allowance, and began with him as followeth.  
Thou an Horseleich? thou an Hobby-horse, and hast more diseases upon thee than any jade that comes to be drenched at thy Forge: for thou hast the Web in thy eyes, the Glanders in thy nose, the Staggers in thy head, and the Bots in thy belly: thou art troubled moreover with the rotten Couch in thy Longs, the Spring-halt in thy hips, the Spary in thy legs, the Scratches in thy heels, and indeed art nothing but rottenness, and diseases all over; and what comfort hath a likely woman, as I am, to lie with one all the night grunting like an Hog, groaning like an Horse, coughing like a sheep, and spitting and spawling like one that is sweated on the Pox (God bless us:) than thou criest out, O the Gout in my Toes, O the Sciatica in my Thighs; insomuch, that Bedlam is a better place to sleep in, than our Bed: she was now but in her Prologue, when in comes their next neighbour, being a Glasiers wife, who had overheard all that had passed, and persuaded her to be patient, saying. Nay good Neighbour, I am very sorry to see you in this passion, I see something hath disquieted you, I pray you forbear and be a little moderate in your language to your Husband, it doth not become a women to be thus brawling in the open street, and disgracing of her Husband, it will be a means for him never to have a care of you, but rather to neglect his calling: you had better persuade him by fair means; and not thus by foul; for men are men, and they will not be controlled, and especially in the open shop, where all passengers to see you, and take notice of it: tell him of his faults between yourselves when you are a-bed together, than he will give you the better hearing, and feeling in the cause, which this way will ne'er do, but make him more in a rage, and e'en careless of his business; and she said, that her husband was an honest quiet man, and well thought of by all his neighbours, and she did not well to use him in such unreverend terms: and was proceeding further, where the Farrier's wife quickly & sharply cut her off, after this manner, unreverently.  Far. Wife. 
Marry Syrreverence, goodly Gossip: I pray you Mistress Gill Flurts how came you by that goodly word? with my finger in your mouth, and a toy at the end of it: Do you come from an Alehouse bench, from amongst the rest of your talking Gossips to tell me what I have to do; get you home, and counsel your own husband, and meddle not with mine: you have been too late in his company, have you not? that is it which makes you take his part: go, you are a saucy Gossip, and a Gill-flurt, I know what I have to do with mine own Husband, I will not now come to learn of you: I hope the carriage of myself is well known both in the City and in the Parish, how I have behaved myself: go out of my doors, you are a base prating Gossip.  Glas. Wife. 
Gossip in your face; I am none of your Gossip, though I am one of your neighbours; yet I do scorn to be counted your companion: an honest woman should show herself to be so, and not to revile their Husbands in such vile speeches, enough to make a man run quite mad.  

A woman's rule should be in such a fashion,  
Only to guide her household, and her passion.  
And her obedience never out of season,  
So long as either Husband lasts, or reason.   

Ill fares the hapless family that shows  
A Cock that's silent, and a Hen that crows.  
I know not which live more unnatural lives,  
Obedient Husbands, or commanding Wives.   Far. Wif. 
How now, do you come with your Ballad Rhyme to tell me what I have to do, and how to behave myself to my husband, and in my own house? get you home & wash your dishes, and meddle with your own Husband: I would scorn to have done as you did, when you went to have your other Husband buried, you went with an Onion in your Handkerchief, to make your eyes look red, and to cause you to weep, as if you had been very sorry for his loss; when indeed you did but counterfeit, and make the world believe how you loved him, because you would have another husband the sooner, and when you had seen him laid in his grave, then when you came home, you could have your Sack and Sugar, with other good cheer, faying, come, we women must live by the quick, and not by the dead.  Glas. Wife. 
Come, come, you may be ashamed to do as you do; I would scorn to make my Husband stand in awe of me, as a child doth of a rod, that if perchance he be three or four hours abroad a drinking in company, and come home a little disguised, than you fall about his ears, and rail at him, that it is a shame you should be endured; and if he were not a very patient man he would not abide the life that he doth at your hands, but swaddle your sides; poor man he is glad to hide himself many times in the house of Office, till your rage be over; and one time, to ease his stomach, he was glad to put his head in the hole, because you should not hear him ease his stomach, and then could not get his head out again, but brought the seat about his neck, like a ruff band. Come, this is not the part of a good wife to discover her husband's follies in such a public manner as you do: it rather hardens their hearts, and makes them a great deal the worse Husbands, and causes them never to have a mind to return home, when once they are abroad, or have stayed a little too long: this makes them ill Husbands if any thing doth.  
Therefore whether it be better or worse,  
You must be ruled by him that bears the purse.  Far. Wife. 
You are still up with your Rhyme; get you home, and teach your Grandam to suck Eggs; I will not be taught by you, Gossip Pintepot: begun I say, or I will wash your face, now your tongue is so hot. Who taught you, I wonder, to meddle betwixt the bark and the tree? the skin and the flesh, the man and the wife? When the other replied, now Flirt in thy face, and Gossip in thy guts: I hold myself as good a woman as thyself at all times, and as honest as the skin betwixt thy brows, if not honester.  
Honester, Madam Malapert (said the other) and whence Mistress Odious came you by these comparisons? Hast thou took the Glazier, thy Husband's trade out of his hand, and art come hither to pick Quarrels? she replied again: now Odious in thy throat, and there let it lie till I take it out again. Thou call'st me Madam Malapert, but I am sure thou art Pru prate a pace, and so thou wert ever since I first knew thee: and where thou twit'st me with my Husband's Trade: I cannot but with Pain speak it, a Glazier is as good a man as a Farrier (no dispraise to thine husband) every month in the year, every week in the month, every day in the week, and every hour in the day: and with that she began to be out of breath, which gave the Smiths wife liberty to say. Well I ever took thee to be a bold Bettris: and I thee for a sconlding Quean, saith the other, as well as she could bring it out: and so from words they fell to blows; insomuch, that the honest Farrier was glad to step betwixt them, thinking to part them: by which occasion his wife seeing she could not come at the other to have her will, she falls about her Husband's ears, and he again at her, and hard it was to judge betwixt them who was likely to have the better: In which Interim the Glasiers wife ran to call the Constable, and brought him, desiring him, lest there should be manslaughter, or woman-slaughter committed, to command them to keep the King's Peace, and to part them: but he, out of his great wisdom, made answer: no not I by any means, nor any one for me: Cursed be he that parts man and wife: and therefore let them fight on and spare not: so that what the Constable would not do weariness did: but how the business was after reconcield, when I understand more, you shall hear further.  
The poor Farrier lived this life seven years together; and to please her oftentimes he was forced to lose many a heat at the Anvil to to come at her call to kiss and humour her: and still being used to this kind of language, it bred in him that custom that he could well endure it: sometimes, only to ease himself, & his mind, complaining to some of his friends over a cup of Beer, telling them, how in stead of Lord and Master, she called him Rogue and Rafcall, and was ne'er at quiet with her at bed or board; only when she was abroad or asleep: and for staying now a little longer than I promised her, said he, I dare warrant you, my good neighbour, when I come home I shall have a dish of maundering Broth, thickened with a few small Reasons, kept hot upon a chafingdish and coals, so that when I come in, I shall be constrained to sup it up scolding hot.  
Neighb. In good troth neighbour you have your hands full: and I will give you the best counsel I can: you must have patience, and endure it; for if you should take any violent course against her, she then would make your head full, as you have now your hands full. For now, as you confess, you being forewarned of her doings, therefore aught to be fore armed.   

The Farrier's Diet which he used to expect from his Wife when he used to come home late.  

TWelve sorts of Cates my wife provides,  
And bats me not a dish,  
Four Flesh, four Fruit,  
The other four of Fish.   

For the first course, she serves me in,  
Four birds that dainty are;  
The first a Quale, the next a Rale,  
A Bitterne, and a jar.   

My appetite being cloyed with these,  
With fish she makes it sharp,  
She serves me next a Pout, Ill-pies,  
A Gudgeon, and a carp.   

The third course with fruit she served in,  
Welfitted for the season,  
I am sure a Meddler, Hartichoake,  
A Crab and a small reason.   

What Smith is he hath such a wife,  
And on her doth not dote,  
Hath every day delicious fare,  
And costs him not a groat.   
Upon my word and credit my good neighbour, & an honest farrier as thou art, I had rather be at some threepeny Ordinary, than at this feast of variety: and amongst all this choice of Cheer, I do marvel you had no sauce, nor Lamb, nor Lout, nor Goose, nor Woodcock, bitter Almonds, nor choke Pears. Therefore to say no more; as a sick man is cured of his disease in time by virtue of a medicine, so a patient man is remedied of his tormentor in time by death of his wife.   

A Butcher's Wife to her Husband.  
AN honest Butcher gently admonishing his Wife, that she neglected the looking to her Shop, and every day went to a Lecture, by which he was much hindered, and (for aught he could see) she little profited: the woman impatient to be so taken up before she was down, made him answer as followeth: Lectures forsooth; and I pray you do my Lectures trouble you? if they have not done yet, they shall more hereafter: here's a coil with a greasy companion indeed, with whom any wise woman (but such a fool as I) would be loath to father fingers: here is a stir with Lectures? most sure I am, I can be no sooner in the Church, but you will be in the Devil's Chapel. What need I look to thy slaughter-house, when I go everyday where I see fin knocked down like an Ox, and the throat of iniquity cut like a Calf; whilst thou, and thy journeymen stay at home, and lie on thy shopboard like so many stinking livers. You are a wicked Creature, you cousin your Customers by your false weights, and blow up your meat to make it look fair, and do not kill it according to the Statute; and for me to be an eyewitness my conscience will not suffer me: therefore leave questioning of me where I have been; but thou wilt never leave prating till thy head be furnished as well as thine Hides, there is a bone for you to pick: But it will be long enough before thou wilt tickle my hyde, I warrant thee: at which last words the Butcher being somewhat gored, he answered betwixt jest and earnest, and said; I know not wife what you mean by the harnising of my head, but of one thing I am sure, when I in the Spring ride abroad to buy ware, you can furnish yourself in Lent with pricks to serve you all the year after: at which she bit her lip, not her tongue, for that she kept still in motion, and replied: well, goodmangander-goose, some of my Gossips shall Catechise you for this, and He make your best Joints pay for't; we'll neither spare Neck, Shoulder, Breast, Leg, nor Loin; there are no stakes to be saved by us, take my word for that: nay you great Calf; your Sheep's eye shall vex to see't, and we'll make you be glad to lick your lips after our lambs-wool: we'll teach you to be so hoggish to an Heiser of the first horn, you Cowbooby, to hit me in the teeth with making of Pricks? hit me with them where I should be hit, you foul Ox: But I see they talk most of Robin-hood, that seldomest shoot in his Bow: But for that trick alone (though it go against my stomach) I'll mar that which comes next to my making, and thou shalt have the mends in thine own hand, like a Groutheaded booby as thou art: and so she slung away in a heat and left him: and he all the while sought about for his Knife, thinking to have done her a mischief, but it was in his mouth, and he could not find it.   

A Shoemaker's wife to her husband.  
A Shoemaker one of the Gentle Craft happpened to have a Shrew to his wife: but that is Hoc commune malum, and who can help it: (saith Gammer Morris) and no man can tell where his shoe wrings him, but he that wears it: now this woman would wrangle and weep, scold and cry, and yet be as bitter as the best of them: for her humour was to put finger in the eye, and say, well Husband, well: who answered her again: I wife, so I have heard many a woman begin well, that have ended ill: There was string enough for her to harp on, who proceeding, said; I, I, it is my end that thou lookest for, and dost wish an ill end to come to me, but I am not gone yet; it is now but Alhollow tide, and I hope to eat some Christmas Pie with thee: look then to thine own taching ends, for 'tis not thy hog's Brisles that can fright me to my grave for all this; no nor for thy All that thou canst do. A woman had as good to have an husband of Clouts. I would I had married with a Cobbler, he would have been still on the mending hand, but thou art every day worse and worse: but it is as little boot for me to tell thee of it, as for thee to shoe the goose; But it is the custom of all thy trade, to use your poor souls thus: and there's a neighbour of thine at the next door, there is neither barrel of you better herring: you take no more pity to see a woman weep, than to see a Goose go barefoot: but for mine own part, though thou keepest me in my Corks, I do not mean so soon to turn up my heels, nor to be so quickly underlayed: Thou shalt not find that Atropos shears and thy cutting knife are all one: Most sure I am, thou wouldst take more pleasure to cut my throat, than thine own thread: when I matched with thee, I might have married with one, whom thou art no more like than an Apple is like to an Oyster; he was a proper man indeed: But I see the properer man the worse luck, and so I find it to my cost: for he had a clean Leg, and a handsome Foot; but thou hast neither, a very shamble-shinne, and hast a foot of the sloving Last: But I hope that will not last always, which if I thought, there is scarce any way that I would find to tread in, unless the gate that leads to thy grave. Thou canst vaumpe old Boötes, but when wilt thou vaumpe me, and make me new and fresh again? nay, thou hast thy tricks and turns-over, but I hope thou shalt not turn-over me in haste: nay, thou art none of the Hastings, but slow enough, where thou shouldest be sure: thou hast an high mind, and an high instep, and still art in an ambition to wax and wax higher and greater; but I shall never find it whilst I have an hole in my skin, thou leatherned skin Rascal. More she would have said, but she wept out the rest, and so went away and left him.   

A Baker's Wife to her husband.  
THou as honest a man as lives by bread? thou as arrant a thief as steals in a Barn; thou art no better than a knave in grain; indeed thou art as course as thy Bran, and I the flower of thy garden; and what am I the more minded for all this, thou hutch backed fellow? who for thy unkindness to me, deservedst to be ducked in St. Clement's Well. The honest man desired her to be patient, and to hold her peace, lest she should make too loud a noise, and so trouble the neighbours: she presently made him answer: what dost thou think I will be meal-mouthed as thou art? and hast ever been since I first knew thee: no, I'll see thee first weighed in thine own scales, and so thou shalt go to the Devil for measure; for like thy bread, thou wilt be found many grains too light. When thou art told of thy base cheating and false weights, than thou lookest like an Image made of Rye-Dow; methinks the slave looks as if he were dow-baked, and as pale as the ashes which his Malkin sweeps out of his Oven, where the good wife would never have sought her daughter, but that she had been there before herself: But thou hast a desire to proclaim thine own destiny, and soundest an Horn ever before thou art ready to set in: but thou art not of every man's mind (and I commend thee for it) for there is many a one that wears an horn, and is loath to blow it. You wear a cap and long hair, and you tell folks that asks you why you wear your hair so long, it is because the mould of your head was not well closed at first by the midwife; when indeed it is, that none should perceive that you have lost your ears in the Pillory, for cozening, and making light bread. And now goodman Baker what canst thou bolt out of me for all this? My greatest comfort is, that there is no great fear of thy interfearing; for thy crooked knees meet so close, and thy skew legs are so distant one from another, that it is impossible that thou shouldest ever gall thine Ankles, and yet thou oftener reachest them than thou rubbest my Shins: and if I should now offer to play at In and In, we should the next day see you upon the Pillery look out. But thou thinkest to keep me like a Mouse in thy Been, but if thou hopest for any such thing, thou wilt find thy Cake to be but Dowe; for howsoever thou makest the Paste, leave me alone to take order to lay the Leven, and to make the Proverb good; Who eateth worse Bread than the Baker? What doth this gravel you? But why do I trouble myself to an unsifted, and therefore an unsanctified man: Alas, my anger lasteth no longer than one of his Baker's Bakings; and therefore for the present I'll give over. I am afraid I have been somewhat too tedious in the former, and therefore I will strive to be more briefer in the following; and therefore to contract a long circumstance into a less compass, more succinct and compendious receive them thus: and I thus pursue my discourse.   

A Lecture of an Innkeepers Wife to her Husband: with a Tale of an Innkeeper and his wife.  
Why husband, are you not ashamed to be so idle and sit in that manner, with your hands in your bosom, and the house full of guess, it being term time, you may be ashamed of it, if you had any honesty in you, but you have none; you keep a company of cheating base knaves about you, to cousin your guess: the Tapster for nicking and frothing his Jugges, and his Cans; your Chamberlain for overreaching your guess in their reckonings; your lazy Ostler for having a hole in the Manger, that when horses have their Oats they fall through into a convenient place; and keeping of false measures; and you yourself knows of all this, and yet wink at it, saying, come, all trades must live; and so there is nothing but cozening of all sides.  Husb. 
Wife you are very hot, I do think you want an Ostler to walk you; you have been a Gossipping, and have taken a Cup too much, which makes you talk thus; do you mean to undo me, and yourself too: if you continue on this course of railing, what will your guests think? we shall by this means lose all our Customers, and make me work in the end.  Wife. 
Let it work, and work again, like Ginger in a Sow's Arse, I care not, I have enough for one; shift that shift can, I will not be questioned, and hit in the teeth with my Gossips, and the wine I have drank at any time.  

The Innkeepers Song.  
He that marries a scold, a Scold,  
He hath most cause to be merry;  
For when she's in her fits,  
He may cherish his wits  
With a cup of old Canary.   
Now follows the Tale.  
A lusty Innkeepers Wife, and an handsome Hostess, ready to give her guests welcome at all seasons: at the time of taking in of hay, having a young able fellow to his Ostler, the good man of the Inn could not keep his wife out of the Heyloft: at which he growing somewhat jealous, (and not altogether without cause) demanded of her the reason why she was more of late delighted in the treading of the Hey than before she had; and withal what she did make there? for the Hey was trodden already: who laying aside her wont scolding for the present, and made him this smiling answer: What an ignorant Coxcomb Husband, are you grown of late? What I pray you should a young man, and a young woman do, when they are together in an Heyloft? Which doubtful answer put him into a worse quandary, than if she had entered directly with him into a quarrel.   

Of a Tobacco man's wife to her Husband.  
A Tobacco woman was wont to borrow from her neighbour the Apothecary, the name of Glister Pipe, and tell him he took his Tobacco the wrong way, for he should rather take it at his tail than at his mouth, for it was the best medicine for the Wind-colic, and compared him to a smoky fellow, and the next degree to a Chimney-sweeper ' and complained of him that though she all the day long kept herself sweet and clean, yet he came home every night with a foul and stinking Pipe: which he not able, or at least not willing to endure, called her dirty flut, and said she neither knew her manners nor duty; to which she replied, no manners with a mischief, and duty in the Devil's name; you Owley-Glasse, before next june, I'll teach you to light your Tobacco with nothing but juniper. And had not a Customer then come in, she had been more large in her Lecture.   

A Pewterer's wife and a Poulterer's wife, prating of their Husbands over a Pint of Wine.  
TWo Gossipping women the one wife to a Pewterer, the other a Poulterer, meeting in the market began to renew old acquaintance, & after many an how do you? they agreed to join their half pints a piece and to go over to the next Tavern, where being set in a private room, and calling for a pint of Muskadel and a roll, the one began as followeth, and I pray you sister (for so we called, when we were maidservants in an house together) how doth your good man and you agree? For mine own part, I was not at the first so mad to be married, as I find now leisure to repent it: in troth replied the other, and I find my case and yours to be much about one, good husbands are thick fowne, but they come up but thin, and there is show of a great harvest when there is but little corn, and that I have found to my cost; for (said the Pewterer's wife if I were to marry again twenty times over, I would never have an hammerman whilst I lived, nor I (said the other) a Poulterer, he is one of the most slovinglist fellows, and deals so much in fowl, that I can make him keep nothing clean about him, nay when he should come to bed to me, me thinks he smells like his stale poultry, and what woman of fashion (for you know sister I was a choice piece when you knew me first) is able to endure it, there she paused, and then the other began, and said, and you know I might have had matches, and good ones too, before I met with this Dromedary to live in a Pewterer's house, where there is such rapping and knocking early and late, one had better dwell in Crooked-lane or amongst the Braziers in Loath-bery; nay it loathes my very stomach to think on it, and the rather when I find by proof, that these who deal altogether in mettle, have no mettle at all in them; for he hath been this two years and upward, to beat out a boy, or hammer out a girl and cannot: troth my poultry ware is even cooked with the same sauce (saith the other:) but I pray you what words of Art have you for him when he angers you: who answered, because he is somewhat purblind, sometimes I call him Owl, and Booby, and now and then saucer-eyed slave and platter-faced rascal, ask him if the great baby means still to be fed with spoon meat, and the like, nay I never greatly study for his words, I cut his livery out of the next cloth that comes to hand: and I (saith the Poulterer's wife) follow the same course to an heir, there goes but a bare pair of shears betwixt them: to give him his style, I need go no further than his stall; for if he vex me, I call him Goose, and Widging, and Dotrell, and Woodcock, (no other then he brings with him) nay if he moves me much (as that which angereth him most) I call him Capon; but said the other, never Cock of the game I warrant you; to which was replied, no I will see him in the pit first, which word may carry a double meaning: at which the drawer came in and asked them what do you lack? when both spoke at once and said, either of us a good husband: the drawer made answer, if you have not good husbands, I would you had such as you like good Gentlewomen; God a mercy honest drawer, for that word I will drink to thee, and thou shalt pledge me in a fresh cup of wine, come draw another pint of the same Sack as you did before; nay said the Pewterer's wife, let us not outrun the Constable, for I protest I have not above three pence in my purse: it is no matter said the Poulterer's wife, hang money it is not that I stand upon, the next customer that comes shall pay for this pint: I sister, said the Pewterer's wife you have money at will, but I can get none, unless I save it when I go to market, or at such times when my husband is foxed, that I borrow a shilling or two out of his pocket that he doth not once think of, for by my troth, he will not give me a penny extra ordinary to drink a pint of wine with a friend, nor have I any way to get any money but what I have told you, nor do I stir out of doors from one week's end to the other, unless to market and so back again: introth said the Poulterer's wife I will not be mewed up like a hawk, for I will both have money at my command, and go abroad when I please, and never give an account where I have been; I marry said the Pewterer's wife you spend the week merrily: I must confess I do, said the Poulterer's wife, did you never here the merry saying of good old women; and how they spend the week about: no indeed said the Pewterer's wife; then I will tell you, said the Poulterer's wife how; thus you must spend the week, and every day in the week.  
You know that Monday is Sundays brother.  
Tuesday is such another.  
Wednsday you must go to Church and pray.  
Thursday is half holiday.  
On Friday it is too late to begin to spin.  
Then Saturday is half holiday again.  
Well said sister, I commend thee for thy wit, here's to thee one cup of Sack the more for this merry saying: I come good sister, & drink it off, it will make you have a light hart & a merry countenance, & kind hearted to your husband: and so they called for a reckoning, paid, and for that time parted.   

A Locksmiths wife to her husband.  
A Lock-smith a sturdy blunt fellow, and yet one that had not the trick to tame a shrew, and yet was as jealous over her as any could be (over his wife) that was tied to wear none but yellow stockings; and she one way as perverse as he the other peevish, would ordinarily call him Vulcan, Cyclops and the like, persuading him he halted though he did not, nay would not spare then to abuse him when he was most busy at the Forge, and tell him he was as tasty as his Tongues, headed like his hammer, his cheeks blown up like his bellowes, and if he touched her, that his fingers pinched like his pinsers; nay that there was but one degree removed, (that was the Collier,) betwixt him and the Devil: which he with great impatience enduring, lest scolding and began to school her as followeth: wife 'tis not your tongue but your tail that I fear; women ought to keep an hatch before the door, to have their breasts bard, their hearts locked, and every suspicious place bolted; who had not the patience to hear him any further, but interrupted him and said, and what of all this goodman snickup, that cannot set the door upon the right hinges; here is a coil with your bars, your bolts, and your locks, I know none of all these locks thou speakest of, but every Tapster and Ostler, hath as good a key, as the best Smith of you all to open.  

The Smith's advice to his neighbours.  
He that hath a good wife, make much on her,  
Carry her to the Alehouse and bestow nothing on her,  
If she hath any money take it all from her,  
And if she hath none, fling her upon the fire and burn her.    

Skimmingtons Lecture to her husband which is the errand scold.  
What not a word this morning, are you all alike, drunk and sober, cannot you speak, or have you lost your tongue, you may be ashamed, had you any grace in you at all, to be such a common drunkard, a pisspot, a beast, nay worse than a beast, for they can tell when they have sufficient, but thou canst not tell; every day foxed & at night brought home by a watchman; and the next morning you are then a little cropsick, and then to cure your squeezy stomach, you get a hair with the same dog, you know what I mean you drunken sot, a cup of the same wine burnt or mulled that you drank raw over night, this you call Physic and say it is good and wholesome once a month, and this is your course of life, from one week's end to the other. As I am a sinner I am ashamed of thee thou art such a noted Tavern hunter; and such a nasty beast thou makest thyself, that I even loathe thee every time I see thee in that pickle; fie upon thee I could spit upon thee if it were not for shame, and speech of people; by this fire that burns I will make thee ashamed and declare thy base actions and course of life to all companies wheresoever; I come or go: thou art bewitched to the Tavern, and to such base company that have no regard or care of their wives and family at home.  Husb. 
Good wife forbear your violent and raging speeches, I confess I am in a fault, but it shall be so no more; I am sorry for it, I will take a new course with myself and forsake all ill company, and forswear drinking any wine, if you will be but patient for this time I will amend all; I pray speak no more at this time good wife.  Wife. 
I scorn to be a good wife to such a perpetual drunkard, that is drunk ordinarily twice a a day, and never comes home, unless it be to sleep, and then out again, and be drunk within two or three hours after, as bad as you were before: I would you had but a lookingglass to see how you look now you have been a foxing; or that you would remember what antic and apish tricks you play, when you are in this case: you are never kind to me, but when you are fuddled, and then you can cog and dissemble with me, to have your own will or what you want: when your head aches the next morning, or a fart wring you by the breeceh, then pray hold my head dear wife: than you are sick, and must have a Posset made you; but instead of a Posset, I will provide you a Crabtree Cudgel; and if that will not do any good of you, I then will have a Rope and Butter, that if one slip, the other may hold; it is an ease matter for to Lambast your drunken hide when you cannot stand; then I will domineer over you; for I see there is no other way, but by force to make you leave this vein of drinking drunk; therefore I will have no longer patience, nor talk much to spend my spirits: But I will do more: Come sirrah, tell me first in what company you were in yesterday, from nine of the Clock in the morning, till twelve at night. Then secondly, tell me what Tavern you were at. Then thirdly what Wine you drank. Then lastly, what it cost you all the day in expenses; and what you had to eat, for it is impossible you could be all that while at a Tavern, and eat nothing.  Hush. 
Nay by my troth wife, I cannot call to mind all these several circumstances: some I can give you account of; some I cannot, nor will not.  Wife. 
You cannot, nor you will not. Nay now you drunken slave, I have taken you upon the advantage, I will now try whether you or I shall be master: I will not now be satisfied with any reason; nor no words shall prevail, but now blows shall: how do you like that tell me: nay now a little of the other side, that the one side may not mock the other.  

Come Sirrah, you are a Drunkard, and spend all your money  
And when you come home you call me your honey.  
But all shall not serve thee, for have at thy pate,  
My Ladle of the Crabtree, shall teach thee to cog and to prate.   

Husband.  
O good wife forbear, I will be very ample,  
And to all ill husbands I'll prove an example   

Wife.  
Well do, and see you do so, and you shall see, ay  
we'll never her after cause you to kneel and to cry.   

This she spoke to her maid-servant, out of his hearing.   
Ah, hah, have I got the master now? I will hold it, while I have it, and brag and tell my other neighbours wives of it, that they may do the like to their Husbands, as I have done to my white-livered, faint-hearted husband, gramercy, this stout heart of mine: and I do thank the Fates that they decreed he should have no courage in him at this time that I took him to task: for had he but offered to have made resistance, or strove with me, he might have very easily wrung this Crabtree Ladle out of my hands, and have basted me with it, as I have done him: I see it is good sometimes to put on a bold face, and a resolute courage, though in a desperate and doubtful action: For who would have imagined that I should be the conqueror, had they seen thy Master and myself stand together: now the Proverb is very true; the grey mare is the better horse; for indeed I was very angry, and full of wrath, and wrath is commendable, when the occasion is just, as it was now on my side; for we little women are soon hot, and our hearts are near our mouths, and speak our minds, and do our does, and then we have done; for anger is no infirmity, nor is it to be held a capital Crime: but for a woman to persevere in her anger, that is an infirmity, and subject to the censure of the Law. This Act of mine may prove advantageous to me, and may work much upon my Husband's thoughts, and him make somewhat better, than ever he was since his mother bound his head: for he finds now at the first what he shall trust to always, if he once cross me in my intentions: it is a notable good thing, and worth your observation, Hussy, to know how to provide a remedy for a calamity, I should never have rid thy Master from that course of ill-husbandry, but by this means: and I must still threaten him, and keep him in awe; for that body which is accustomed to patience, or to his kind of usage, will never forsake any place for pain or travile whatsoever. I have heard many men say, that a woman and a Spaniel, the more thy are beaten, the better they will love their Masters: I have now tried conclusions, and have once crossed that Proverb; and will try whether my husband will love me the better yea or no: and now I'll persuade him, that the more a man is beaten, and a Walnut-tree, the better and larger fruit may be expected from the one, and the more obedience and love from the other: for do but hang a dog in a Crabbe-tree, and he will never love verjuce after: so let every woman fall upon her husband, not only in bare railing words, but do it in action, and say it on to the purpose, he will ever after be afraid of coming home so late drunk, I will warrant you: a woman that hath such a husband, ought rather to be a Shrew than a sheep: for when they find that a woman is of a mild disposition, and will not talk to them, and tell them of their faults roundly, they do but make Asses and Coxcombs of them, and laugh at them behind their backs, and brag to their companions, that they can persuade their wives to any thing; and tell them a tale of a Tub, and make them believe any thing as they say to be true: Therefore judge you now, Hussy, whether I do not deserve praise for this day's work yea or no.   

On Skimmingtons love to her Neighbours.  
Skimmington with more than a common love,  
Her neighbour's ease, and honour doth promote:  
By common fame this case we plainly prove.  
For oft he rides, that else would go on foot.   

A discreet and modest wives directions to her husband, who was an Alderman's Deputy, and a Common-counsell-man, for keeping ill company.  
Dear and loving husband, I have long time beheld your uncivil carriage, and past it over with modesty and silence: when the wine hath got possession of the chiefest part of man, I mean the brain, that then you are not your own keeper, nor have power neither of your words or actions; I know very well, that you are a man, that (when you are not intoxicated) is sensible and understanding enough in many worldly affairs, and know how to behave yourself in all companies whatsoever: you have a good voluable tongue of your own, and can tell how to order or arbitrate any difference or matter of consequence when you are requested thereto; but when you are in this vein of drinking, you are not then the same man for sobriety that the whole City and parish where you dwell takes you to be: you know your own discretion, but you do not know your own indiscretion: for words without good effects, is like a great water which drowneth the people, and doth itself no profit; so you that will punish others for being drunk, and make them pay a Fee to the poor, are in like case not to be borne withal: for he that passeth measure in drinking; is no more master of his own thoughts, or of his tongue; and without shame he speaketh of all dishonest things, and such as are unseemly: and in this case a man becometh a Child: it is a thing of exceeding great difficulty, for a man to conceal and hide his own ignorance: but much more difficult it is for a man to conceal any thing when he hath drunk well: you must not be too forward to speak in the Vestry when you have been a drinking store of wine, for than you lisp, and clip the Kings English; for at that time every man takes notice of your weakness, for than you make that little member your tongue the discoverer of your own folly; for when you have spoken, the words that you have uttered and delivered, are no longer yours, but those that observe them; nor are they left to your construction and meaning, though you think no harm, but to their interpretation that hear them: Good speeches are the image of the mind; therefore the temperance of the tongue and silence ought to be great, and men ought to use and employ their ears oftener than their tongues: therefore my good husband, observe but this, that it is not good to be too prompt and forwards in speaking, unless you be called to it: my reason is, because many words and much speech, is an apparent sign of folly; for neither words nor wind will fill a Bushel. I have observed it diverse times, and I have much mused, that when you have drunk a cup of strong Beer in the morning next your heart, that you have shaked your head, and made a sour face: when you have had it in your stomach; you have said that it made you heart-burned, and it is nothing else but your drinking of Wine that doth so inflame your stomach, that if you do drink any other cooler liquor, than it qualifies the former heat, and washes and cleanses the slime from off your stomach, which makes it as it were raw and hear-burning, so that nothing will agree with your stomach, but wine; and I have noted it, that it meals you are sick, and cannot digest your meat, unless you drink some wine every meal, and this is nothing but custom and ill Company that hath brought this desire of drinking wine upon you. At any time when you are in this case, you have no power of yourself, but the wine makes you its slave and servant, to do, and work what it lists in your brain: it may perchance so intoxicate your senses, that you may receive such an injury, or do such an accident, that you may repent for it all the days of your life: when you have drunk so much what good doth it you? it makes you uncapable of any thing, unless of quarrelling, and gaming; and too much Wine doth provoke lust, and when that abounds, than some ill act of incontinency follows; for there is nothing in man more able to make him lose his humanity with more facility, than by his tongue, and too much Wine: Wine is the Ratsbane of our land, and I am fully persuaded that more dye by surfeits of Wine, than by the sword, or any other disease: where have there been more hurts and injuries done, than by Wine? for that is the chief cause and ground of all desperate attempts and quarrels, for when the Wine is in, the wit is out: for the excess of Wine bringeth forth three sorts of Grapes, the first of pleasure, the second of drunkenness, and the third of sorrow: One thing more, my sweetheart, and I have done; you know I never twitted you in the teeth, as some women do, the next day, for your being late abroad; and come home so, that you have not been able to help yourself; and have forgotten the next morning when you have been recovered, to pay the tribute you own to me by Wedlock: I have been content and said nothing, and put up all with silence, for silence is a gift without danger or peril: but indeed husband, I must ingeniously confess, I have paid it with thinking: I have read, that it is a rare virtue to know how, and when to be silent: I never repented me to have held my tongue, but I have oftentimes been sorry that I have spoken: just like as narrow mouthed vessels which are longest in filling, keep their liquor the better: so are women's tongues that are slow in talking, get the most credit and commendations: for all, or most men know, that empty vessels make the greatest sound: so they that have the emptiest Scull, and the least wit, are the greatest babblers.   

A Lecture of an Informers wife to her Husband.  
SIrrah, you are a very Rascal, I will set you out to the full, I will make all thy friends ashamed of thee: I will give them to understand, that they may know as well as myself, when thou hast money, and when thou hast none: for you know you have but two Cloaks, one of Stuffe, the other of Cloth, and when you have one at home, or on your back, the other is commonly at pawn at the Brokers: thou hast no money, but what thou gettest by shirking and rooking when men are drunk; or else thou keepest stakes while men are at some game or other, and then the whilst they are at their sport thou runnest quite away: when thou dost wear thy stuff Cloak in winter, or on a rainy day, then may thy companions know thou hast no money, nor canst redeem thy cloth Cloak: then in the Summer time, when thou dost wear thy Cloth Cloak, it is the very same case with thee; in Dock, out Nettle; while one is at home, the other is in Lavender in Long-lane. Thou mightest have been ashamed to have left thy honest Trade and profession of being a Tailor, only to live idly, and walk up and down streets and turn knave for a groat a day: I will emblazon you name for you; you are an Ass, a Shirke, a Rook, a Decoy, a Buffoon, a white Livered slave: You can talk and domineer at home when you are in your Cups, like a Lion, but abroad amongst your companions you seem to be as meek as a Lamb: but indeed you are a mere Sheep's head, or rather a Ram's head in a Wolves Skin: a fly youth, a jeering double-lookt companion: thy Father was an Animal, and thy mother some lazy drone, and thou thyself must needs be of Brocklyes Breed, better to hang than to feed; when you come home, you sit before me like Hum Drum, or like the Cat in the Cupboard; and when you are abroad, and almost drunk, than you begin to show your mad tricks; then no ground will hold you, leaping over Tables and stools, or any thing that is in your way, but I hope you will one day break your neck; and if you do so, y faith I will then have my own will, and go to bed Mistress, and rise again Master; the next husband that I have shall find it so I'll warrant him: And when thou goest to be buried, I will not shed a tear for thee, thou hast so hardened my heart against thee now in thy life time: I do think in my conscience, my heart is grown so hard as thy forehead; and I think I have shed so many tears by thy means, that I can weep no more, unless I get a good sharp Onion in my handkerchief, and so force some tears from me for fashion sake: And then I will hire some poor conditioned Poet or other to make an Epitaph on thee, as they have done on some of thy fellows which are dead already, as thou mayst plainly see and read.   

On an Informer who died for want of employment.  

On Monday morning he with sorrow died,  
Because on Sunday no abuse he spied:  
For though he oft took bribes death none would take,  
Now here he lies, ready to stink at the stake.   

Let Tapsters rejoice, and sing merry Catches,  
For the Informer here is in a dead sleep laid:  
What of all that, both good and bad have matches,  
Though he be gone there is more left of his trade:  
It was but a money matter, so it is still,  
Twelve pence a quarter, use what pots you will.    

A Lecture of a Countryman's wife, who was a Gentleman's Bailie in the Country.  
SIrrah, I do know something of you, that now I will tell, and make known to the whole Country, seeing you have so angered me, and will not let me have my will, I will not forbear to speak that, which shall make you lose your Office of a Bailie, and make you be whipped through the Town at a horse Taile: you understand me, sirrah, you Rascal, do you not? Now you stand as though Butter would not melt in your Mouth, and give never a word: I will so nettle you, that you had better wished you had lain at Nettle-bed all night: do you remember how you rise in a Summer morning before day peep, on purpose to entice your neighbour's hogs into your liberty, by carrying a few Beans or Pease in your hat, and but letting the poor creatures smell on them, they presently follow you into your liberty; and than you pound them, and by this means you get your fees, and make yourself rich.  Husb. 
I prithee good Wife hold thy peace, and thou shalt have any thing that thou hast a desire unto; name it, and here is money to pay for it.  Wife. 
Sirrah, it is now too late, you shall not think to make me hold my tongue; I care not for your proffers now: I will make the whole town acquainted with your knavery: I will set you out in your colours; for you live by bribery and extortion, not doing your Office as you ought, and according to the oath you have taken, but live by rooking, and cheating, and cozening of poor people.  Husb. 
I prithee good Doll hold thy peace, thou hast too much tongue; sure thou wert borne in a Mill, thy tongue is so loud and shrill: I did hear before we were married that thou wouldst prove a scold, and that you had ever a shrew's tongue in your mouth, but I would never believe it, but now I find it too true.  Wife. 
Marry, a woman had need to have two tongues that hath such a husband as I have, that grumbles and mumbles at every penny I lay out upon myself: one tongue is too little to let you know how you use me and likewise to tell you of the other side of your base conditions; for you abuse the whole Country, and the Gentleman you serve: you heard I was a shrew, I had better be so than mealy-mouthed, for than you would make a right fool of me, a mere Ass, and bear all the burden, while you go up and down from Alehouse to Alehouse, to defraud your Master of his Wesses and Strays, and put up the money in your own Pocket: but I will say no more to you, but I'll go and tell the Major of the Town, and he shall call you in question, and I will bear witness against thee myself.  Husb. 
When I was a Bachelor I only looked to my horse & my saddle:  
But now I am a marriman, I have got a scold, a child, and a Cradle.  
Oh, that I were unmarried again: some men get good wives, and money to boot, but I neither got money, nor yet a good wife, only discord and dissension, and in stead of Lord and Master she calls me rogue and Rascal: therefore I must be content, and bear my cross patiently; knowing that it is better for me, and all men else, to overcome a cross wife by prudence than by force. And therefore let no man when he seeks for a wife, ask, What hath she, but what is she; for virtue and quietness is wealth enough, and better than riches and greatness: for an inequality of birth or riches, doth often cause strife and dissension.   

A Broker's wife to her Husband.  
Out though unconscionable villain, as I am an honest woman: there is not such another jew in the City of Malta; thirty in the hundred will not serve your unsatiable covetous desire, but you must take threescore at the least, and swear you can hardly live on it. The name of Broker was well given to you: for you were Broke before you set up; and Curs for biting so hard, ever since you set up: Now you scorn to be called Brokers, but you must have a new name given you with a Murrain to you: you must now be called Fibbers, and one that deals in wholesale: You take no pawns you say, when all thy living is by extortion, and nothing else but by taking pledges and pawns, I will make it good thou art a Broker, though thou mayst term thyself what thou pleasest: thou wast first an Adamite, thou knowst what I mean, A gentleman Tailor; then by chance you eat a Spider, and flew up with jacksons' hens, and not worth a groat; and now you have got a few clothes which came out of rogue Lane, that dropped out of the hangman's wardrobe, that what with selling, and lending upon pawns, you now get the Devil and all; I will discover your villainy, you drunken Ass you: I will make you stay at home, or else I will know why I shall not: You lie upon the lurch to buy stolen goods, and receive them into your house at midnight, and then bid not half the worth of them; and if you cannot get them at your own rate or price, you will make the party believe you will send for the Constable, and apprehend him for suspicion of Felony; and thus by shirking and cheating you get your estate; and if you get the commodity of them at your own rate, than you will make much of them, and will let them out at your back door, that they may not be seen. Thou art a slave of the world, and I will have thee tossed in a Blanket; a mere Caterpillar of the earth: If thou tak'st a gown of any value to pawn, thou wilt be sure to geld it before it go away from thee: If it be a Satin Petticoat laid with silver or gold lace, thou wilt pick the Spangles from off it, or else steal a breadth, or at the least half a breadth out of it; and if it be questioned, than thou wilt forswear it, and lie abominable; therefore I think thou art a limb of some evil spirit, or else the Devil got thee in spite, and brought thee up in shame ever since; thou hast such dissembling Tricks in thee, no man hath the like, I think, that lives. Thy pedigree I have heard of, thy Grandfather was a Rat-catcher, and thy grandmother was a poor old woman that cried Small-coale a penny a peck up and down the street: and I do think thy mother was some oister-wife, and thy father a Chimney sweeper, thou hast such base conditions in thee; thou art a scoundrel, beetell-browd, and a ramme-headed fellow: there is a bob for your sirrah.  Husb. 
Good wife forbear now, and speak no more at this time; you see I give yond leave to say any thing; come, let thee and I be friends, let me kiss thee.  Wife. 
And are you grown so kind just now? if you must needs kiss, take me about the middle and kiss the heaviest end; for you shall kiss no where else; when you are drunk then any body you meet with is as good as your wife, than you care not whom you kiss and embrace: Sirrah, I hear you are a Mutton monger, and run after laced Mutton; but I hope all your knavery one day will be discovered, though now you dance in a net: if you do not use me better, and as a man should use his wife, I will have you indicted at the Sessions for receiving of stolen goods: or else for some of your other base tricks, I will make you look through a two inch board on a Market day.  Husb. 
I prithee Sweet heart speak softly, let me have no more of these words; you may touch me so far, as to call my life in question; you ought not to reveal your husband's secrets in any case, especially those of such weight as this is: If I have been in any fault, I will labour to amend it, and it shall be no more so.  Wif. 
Live and learn then, and at last be hanged, and forget all; you say now that you will do no more of these base actions, but to morrow I shall have you in the same condition again: drunk all day at the Tavern, & then come home like a hog all be mired with dirt; and so what you get one way basely, you spend the other way as scurvily: for money gotten as you get it, never will thrive.  

The husband's wish.  
Bedlam, God bless thee,  
Thou wants nought but wit,  
Which being got, from whipping thou art quit.  
As for thee Bridewell,  
I cannot much dispraise thee,  
For thou feedest the hungry,  
And dost firk the lazy.  
And for thee Newgate, I can not much complain  
For once a month thou ridst men out of pain.   

But from a wicked woman's tongue, God defend me,  
To Bedlam, Newgate, Bridewell rather send me.   

For there in time Wit,  
Work, or Law sets free,  
But from a woman's malice, neither wit, work, nor  
Law gives liberty.    

A Lecture between a Pedlar and his wife, as they walked on the high way.  1. Wife. 
Husband, what money hast thou in thy Purse?  2. Husb. 
Wife, I have but a shilling, two groats, and three farthings, and a good stock too.  3. Wife. 
You had twenty five shillings Husband, what a Devil is become of it?  4. Husb. 
O wife I'll tell   

A Cove and a Mort Whidling together as they budged upon the Pad.  1. Cove. 
MOrt, what lower haste thou in thy Bung?  2. Cove. 
I have a board, two stags', a Make, and onejon, and a rum stock too.  3. Cove. 
You had twenty five board Cove, what a Ruffian is budged with it?  4. Cove. 
O Mort, I whid to thee: I went to the Alehouse, and there I spent all my money amongst good fellows, and pretty wenches. But how shall we save this, and get more?  5. Wife. 
I'll tell thee thou shallow-braind fellow, thou must beg at Farmer's doors for Bread and Cheese, or a Cup of small Beer, or a Hen's egg, and speak boldly for it: and lie in some Barn upon straw all night, and go away early in the morning: And rather than want Meat, or Drink, steals Hens, Ducks, Geese, or Capons: And if you see to thee: I budged to the bousing Ken, & there I bowsed all my lower amongst the Bean Coves, and Doxes: But how shall we save this, & get more?  5. Mort. 
I'll tell thee choir Cove, thou must maund at the Gigger for Pannum and Casum, or a cheat of choir bowse, or Kacklen Cheat, and whid rumpsie; and then lib in the Strummel, all the darkmans, and budge a beak in the light man's: and rather than want Rum-peck, or Beane boose, mill the Cacklers, coy the Quack, or Duds: and if you tower any sheets lie upon the hedge, steal them and run away: If thou want money, then go to the next market or fair, and there pick a Pock, or cheat some Countryman; and then go to the Alehouse, and drink merrily and jovially: But husband be sure you save me some money when you are at the Alehouse.  Husb. 
But do you hear wife: what if I should be taken in stealing of Hens, Ducks, Geese, or Capons, or clothes, or picking a Pocket, and so be carried to prison: wife what shall I then say?  
any states lie upon the Crack, mill them, and budge a beak: And if thou want lower, budge to the next Vile, and there nip a Bung, or cloy a Culley; then budge to the bousing Ken, and boose rumsie and beanely: but Cove be sure thou tip me some Lower, when you budge back from the Ken.  6. Cove. 
But sto Mort: what if I should be Cloyed in the milling of Cacklers, Quacklers, or Duds, or nipping a Bung, and so be cloyed, & budged to the Naskin: Mort what shall I whid then?  7. Wife. 
Peace husband, peace, if you be carried to prison, I will go to our companions, and speak to them for some money to release thee out of prison: and then we'll go to the next City, where we may steal safely.  8. Husb. 
Oh thou art a good wife, and speakest bravely: I will venture an hanging before I will want money, meat, or good drink, or clothes for my Wife and Children: I care not for any Constable or Beadle; nor do I fear the whipping post.  7. Mort. 
Sto Cove, if thou budge to the Naskin, I will b'ing to the Coves and the Morts, and whid to them for Lower, that thou mayst budge out of the Naskin: and then budge into the Rum-vile, where the Coves and the Morts do not tower us: & there we may cloy brinsy.  8. Cove. 
As thou art a Bean Mort, and whids rumpsie, I will venture a training, or a noosing, 'ere I will want Lower, peckage, bean bowse, or duds for my Morts, & my Kinchins'. I do not fear any Harmanbeck, or Pug, nor do I care for Cly the jerk.   

Of two young Virgins talking of their Sweethearts and Sueters.  
Two pretty young toward Girls, newly come into their Teens, not Sisters, but Neighbours Children, and of acquaintance from their Cradles, and no doubt but the forwardest Children their Father had: being one day invited (with their Parents) to a Feast: Dinner being done, and the Guests being severally employed, either in discourse or other exercise of game or drinking, they two retired themselves from the rest into the Garden, and choosing out a private (but pleasant) walk, they began their discourse as followeth:  
1. Maid. And I pray you how old are you? Lord, how are you grown of late since the last Quarter! Do you wear no Corks, nor no Polonie-heeles? why you show as if you walked upon chippeenes, nay, you grow not only tall, but proper withal, so that methinks it is high time you looked after an Husband. The second made answer, Ill weeds grow apace, and for Husbands we may look long enough after them, ere they will cast an eye upon us, I mean any that are worth the having. But what a fool am I to speak us, in the Plural number, that for aught I see, shall be forced to continue in the Singular whilst I live. Indeed said the other, Ego & tu are more frequent than Nos and Vos amongst us Virgins: we may say, A lack the while, for we both know what is wanting; for what do we all this while but loose time, which might be better employed (I wis) than to dream of shadows, and never know what the substance means: it will be long enough ere our Parents will provide for us, therefore methinks it is time at these years that we look out for ourselves. She replied, and truly Sister I am of your mind; but I pray you, had you never any Suitors yet? Suitors (answered she) O yes, but simple ones, Heaven knows: There comes to me last day a dapper Tailor, and would fain have been doing; he would have taken measure of me before there was stuff to make me a gown; a pretty little Hopper me thumb it was, but I quickly gave him his answer, having vowed to make choice of a Man, or never to marry. And then there was a sweet Youth, a Comfit-maker, that came to court me with a paper of Sugar-plummes, but him I could not relish because of his rotten Teeth. And for a Scrivener, there shall never any Indentures be drawn betwixt him and me drunk nor sober, for in all his Leases (if you have observed it) where you shall once read Always provided, you shall find at the least twenty times Notwithstanding: Nor I an Haberdasher of small wares said the other; I will have one that deals by wholesale, or none.  
Another of my Sweethearts came to me the other day, and said, Sweet Mistress, one word in your ear: Nay said I, speak it openly, I am not afraid of what you can say: no good sweetheart said he, let me tell it you privately; then I gave him the hearing, because I hoped the sooner to be rid of the fool's company: and what was it, but he told me, he would tell me such a Tale in my ear that would do me good at the heart, and what was it, but of an old passage between Venus and Adonis, and that was all he did: only he presented me with a Copy of Verses, and many Letters of Compliments in writing, which I took on purpose to laugh at, and withal he entreated me to accept of them, for they were of his own invention. And when I had perused them, I remembered that I had read them in Print, for he stole them out of diverse books of Compliments on my knowledge, thinking thereby that I should account him witty, and the sooner to get my love: but I sent him away with such a flout, that I think he will scarce come again this Week: for in troth if ever I marry, I'll have a proper man, and one that I can fancy well, or else I will never consent to wed. Introth Sister, said the other, I would I had never any one that did ask me the question; I do think I was borne under an evil or melancholy Planet, every one can get sweethearts but I: I am now sixteen years old, it cost me a Groat to the Knave the Clerk for searching the Book; for my Father told me that I was but fifteen years old, but I found it that I was above sixteen years, in troth I cannot lie any longer alone. I do so bite the sheets, and toss up and down in the bed like a Cat when she is pinched by the tail. I have heard that in former times the Roman Law was, that they did allow that a Man might marry at eighteen, and a Maid at twelve years of age, I would it were in use with us in our Country: But men now a days are grown faint-hearted, and dare not presume to ask the question, but let Maids alone till we pine, and wrong ourselves, and make our moans, for women are not perfect without men, though men are without women.  
Quest. But sister, pray tell me, what think you of a Grocer? An. That as Hogs are franked with Pease and Acorns, so he would fat me up with Figs and Raisins.  
Qu. What think you of a Fishmonger? A. That of the contrary he would make me as lean as Lent, and look all the year after with a Good Friday-face. Qu. What of a Goldsmith? An. The Gold I like well, but for the Smith, I care not if he were packed amongst the other mettall-men.  
Q. What then of a Jeweller? An. Ay marry now you speak to some purpose, for plain dealing is a Jewel, howsoever many a one that useth it, may die a beggar. Q. What of an Upholster? A. That his Wife, though she fare hard, shall be sure to lie soft, and if she be wise, she'll find how to feather her Nest I warrant her.  
Qu. What think you of a Draper? An. As of an honest conscionable man, for they allow to every Yard the overplus of London measure. Q. What of a Silkman? An. As of a Silkworm; if his Wife prove too fine for his finger, he may say, he hath spun a fair thread, and so he turn Butterfly, and she Spinster. Q. What of a Merchant? An. Of Eele-skinnes do you mean? Q. No, I mean the noble Trade of the Merchant adventurers. An. When he goeth a wooing, God send him good shipping, and that his Vessel leak not betwixt Wind and Water. Qu. And what think you of a Clerk? An. How, of a Church? Qu. No, nor of a Chapel. A. Then I guess your meaning; I would not have a Clerk of the Chancery, because he might trouble my conscience; nor a Clerk of the Arches, for he would rather make my will, than give me my will: nor a Clerk of the Check-her, for he would be always crossing me: but if any, a Clerk of the peace's Clerk, a Clerk of the Rolls, or of the Pipe-office. At this the Guests came into the Garden, and they were forced to break off their discourse.   

A new trick to tame a Shrew.  
TWo nigh neighbours, that had been long brothers in affliction, as being sick of one disease, had many times made complaints the one to the other (but all in vain) of the churlish and crabbish disposition of their wives, what Shrews they were, and themselves were made no better than Subjects to the Smock: but at the length, one of them having the better Spirit, vowed to himself that he would never give over the combat, until he had got the Conquest; and so indeed it happened. After which, spying his friend and neighbour in the fields a far off, he cried unto him aloud, Victory, victory: the other not knowing what he meant by it, drew near unto him, and demanded of him the reason of that joyful acclamation? who told him, that after many dangerous conflicts, at length he was Conqueror: and Boldface his wife, was compelled to cease all claim to the breeches: which his friend would not believe, till having faced it out with some small Oaths: who when he had both heard, and believed him, he was desirous to know all the Circumstance: then he proceeded thus.  
Coming home somewhat late according to my custom, my minion began to mander; to which I said but little at first; but note what followed after. When presuming on my wont patience, the Hen (forsooth began to Cackle, and I set out a throat to crow; and loud I was indeed, and she got no advantage on me that way: and not knowing whether I was in jest, or earnest, she scornfully smiled upon me, and called me old Coxcomb: to which I answered; Most surely if I have a Comb on my head, I have Spurs on my heels; and still as she spurred me a question, I kicked her an answer.  
I like the beginning well (saith his neighbour) but the end tries all things: But I pray you tell me; did you not learn this at a play? Who replied, a play? I scorn it; what I have done, I found out by my own practice, and am able of myself to set out a Grammar with rules to prove, that the Grey mare is no more the better horse.  
Well, when she began to rail, I fell to rage, insomuch, that any wise man would have thought us both mad; and then she said I was drunk; but she after found by proof, that what I did was in sober sadness; and as she skreekt out, so still she scratched behind, where I am sure it itched not, for I had applied too much Arsmart already. Then I bade her come to bed, who no sooner said she would not, but I swore she should not, and withal locked her out of the Chamber, and there she lay all a cold frosty night on the bare boards; I having before pricked her posteriours, that she had as good to have lain upon Thorns.  
Then said his neighbour: but how could you have the heart to use her so hardly? The heart (quoth he) marry hang her Brock; being over shoes, I cared not to be over Boötes; and once wet to the Ankles, to wade up to the Chin: Up I got in the Morning, she lay along in my way grunting and groaning; when I making as if I had stumbled at a block, gave her a sound spurnne upon the Buttocks, and never cried her mercy: O my what do you call't, said she. What ails Mistress Miniver, quoth I. I am sick and would have a Posser, said she. A Posset with a pox to you, said I; you would have a Caudle made of Calf's Eggs, would you not? Up you lazy-bones, we shall have you fall into the scurvy, and then there is no cure for you but a Cudgel.  
Next she called her maid to fetch her some hot water: then I stepped down, and finding a Kettle-full seething on the fire, filled a Bowl, and brought it up to her making her believe it was warm for her stomach, and if she would not drink it off, I would pour it down her bosom: That done, I bid her get down the stairs, or I would set her down with her head first, and her heels after.  
But (said the other) had she the patience to endure it? Who answered, yes, patience perforce: such as debtors have, to be hurried to prison, or thiefs to be drawn to the Gallows: I had never begun the work, but that I meant to go through stitch with it; that morning I turned away her madness, and then she was no more a Mistress, which I knew vexed her not a little, and that which most angered her, seemed but to please me: For I vowed, since she would be a Devil she should be her own drudge: yes, and though his Dam said against it.  
Said his neighbour, said she nothing all this while? had I used my wife so, all the street should have wrung, as the bells of it, for I am most sure she hath as loud a Clapper. To which he answered, what should any thing be spoke, where nothing would be heard? and that she knew well enough; for I had drowned her Cannon with my Thunder: But she bent her Brows, Glouted with her eyes, first bit her lips, and then her Tongue; sometimes offered her foot, and then her sister, but durst fall foul with neither; If she had, I threatened to bind her hand and foot and so leave her. Then I locked up her Gowns, lest she should gad abroad to complain to her Gossips; and the Devil a Cloth did I leave to put about her neck, but a Dishclout. Sometimes I set her to spin, till she thought the world run upon wheels, and made her say within herself, (as she hath since confessed) I have spun a fair thread, have I not? I made her wash till she was glad to wring her hands, and rub the Pewter and Brass till not a skellet scaped a scouting. Then I would find fault with every thing, and be pleased with nothing: nor could she sweep so clean, but I would find a sluts corner: nay, I left her not so much rule, as over the roast, and the weapons that I awed her with, were the spit and the Jackeline; insomuch, that she began at the length to be a little more pliant and tractable, and began to change her perverse obstinacy, into a kind of peevish obedience; for she would turn her frown into a sour smile, and in the stead of a double, express a doubtful duty, (syrreveverence) in a kind of a jeering and mockng courtesy.  
By my faith, said his Neighbour, I should be glad of so much, and be very thankful too; but I can compass no such matter, unless I meant to buy it with strokes: No (said the Shrew-tamer) but I would be a man or a Mouse; a Caesar aut nullus: this was no submission to give me satisfaction; but I pursued it further: for what good would the knee without the heart have done me? But I followed the scent whilst it was hot. She could not come at a shoe to her foot, nor a hat to her head, nor a band to her neck, nor a Coat to her back; so that she was in a perplexity to be ever kept in Prison, which she fearing, was at length content to do any thing; and if I commanded her to light her Candles at the wrong end: and till than I could never truly cry victory, and boast of the Conquest. But first I must tell you, I suffered no sleep to come near her eyes; which I learned first of a Falkner, for Hawks are tamed by watching only, and that will make any Haggard come to hand: and she at this time comes as gently to the fist, as any Falcon of them all, and may at this time be called a Tassel gentle.  
Now a blessing on thine heart said his Neighbour: This is an Art you have found out, worth all the seven liberal Sciences; and would you but keep a school, and profess the teaching of it, clap but your Bills upon posts, and I make no doubt, but you will quickly have Customers out of all Countries: and so for that time they parted.   

Certain signs to know a Shrew by.  
Take heed of a sour Lass, whose wrinkles in her forehead comes near her eyebrows; for the most part she is sullen, and upon my life will prove right at strait.  
Take heed of a Hawks eye, a sharp nose, and an eye that is black and waterish, for they are true blue.  
Take heed of a Bottlenose, one whose nose turns up again like a Shooing-horn: for if she do not after eighteen months tell you your own, then blame me for ever after for an ignorant married man.  
Take heed of one, who hath a long white hand; for she will do no housewifry, for fear she should spoil her fine fingers.  
I am of Diogenes opinion for marriage; that young men may not marry yet, old men not at all: for I do wish I had never married, nor been given in marriage: And for advice you may as well blindefold yourself, and then choose, as to have your eyesight and be deceived, for the proof of the pudding is in the eating.  
FINIS:    


Tzijn siercke beenen die wield draaghen kon.