THE GREAT EATER, OF KENT, OR PART OF THE ADMIRABLE TEETH AND Stomaches Exploits of Nicholas Wood, of Harrisom in the County of KENT.  
HIS EXCESSIVE MANNER OF EATING WITHOUT manners, in strange and true manner described, by john Taylor.  
LONDON, Printed by ELIZABETH ALLDE, for Henry Gosson, and are to be sold on London Bridge. 1630.   

TO THE MOST FAMOUS, INFAMOUS, HIGH AND Mighty Feeder, Nicholas Wood, Great and Grand Gurmandizer of Harrisom in the County of Kent.  
MOst exorbitant Paunchmonger, I having taken much unnecessary pains in writing these few collections of your deserving Acts, in memory thereof have erected this Monument of ink and paper. Herostratus was famous for burning the Temple of Diana in Ephesus: Dedalus for flying in the Air, and Leander for swimming over the Hellespontick sea: So by this small Treatise of your virtues, will your unmatchable exploits be preserved to posterity, that time, or oblivion shall never eat out or devour the happy memory of your eating; Yet (not to flatter you) though you are the absolutest man of mouth, and the most renowned stifgut in this Western Angle of the World, yet we have as great or greater Faters than yourself, which are scarcely thought upon: there are some, that with the unsavoury sauce of Envy, will eat up a man's name and reputation, and leave nothing but the bones and scraps of infamy and scandal; some eat up whole Lordships without Manors, and some devour Manors and leave nothing but bare Lordships: your exercise is only for the Maw, and your Excellency consists totally in Crambo; I have done my best to please and pleasure you. And not knowing where to find a fit Patron, I am bold to dedicate it to your digestion, wishing that your teeth & stomach may be ever sharpe-set, and that your meat may be wanting before your Appetite.  
Yours, He that not only admire and wonders at you, but hath taken these ensuing pains, to make the world anmire with him, JOHN TAYLOR.   

THE GREAT EATER OF KENT.  
REcords and Histories do make memorable mention of the diversity of qualities of sundry famous persons, men and women, in all the Countries and Regions of the world, how some are remembered for their Piety and Pity; some for justice; some for Severity, for Learning, Wisdom, Temperance, Constancy, Patience, with all the virtues Divine, and moral: Some again have purchased a memory for Greatness and Tallness of body; some for Dwarfish smallness; some for beautiful outsides, fair feature and composition of Limbs and stature; many have gotten an earthly perpetuity for cruelty and murder, as Nero, Commodus, and others: for Lechery, as Heliogabalus: for Drunkenness, Tiberius, (alias Biberius:) for Effeminacy, as Sardanapalus: for Gluttony, Aulus Vitellius, who at one supper was served with two thousand sorts of fishes, and seven thousand fowls, as Suetonius writes in his ninth Book, and josephus in his fifth Book of the jews wars. Caligula was famous for Ambition, for he would be adored as a God, though he lived like a Devil, poisoning his Uncle and deflowering all his Sisters: And in all ages and Countries, time hath still produced particular persons, men & women, either for their virtues or their vices, to be remembered, that by meditating on the good, we may be imitating their goodness, and by viewing the bad, we might be eschewing their vices.  
To descend lower to more familiar examples, I have known a great man very expert on the jewes-harpe; a rich heir excellent at Noddy, a justice of the Peace skilful at Quoytes; a Merchant's wife a quick Gamester at Irish (especially when she came to beating of men) that she would seldom miss entering. Monsieur La Ferr a Frenchman, was the first inventor of the admirable Game of Double-hand, Hot-cockles, & Gregory Dawson an English man, devised the unmatchable mystery of Blindman-buff. Some have the agility to ride Post, some the facility to run Post; some the dexterity to write Post, and some the ability to speak post: For I have heard a fellow make a Hackney of his tongue, & in a moment he hath galloped a Lie from China to London, without Bridle or Saddle. Others do speak post, in a thick shuffling kind of Ambling-trot, and that in such speed, that one of them shall talk more in one quarter of an hour, then shall be understood in seven years. And as every one hath particular qualities to themselves, and dissonant from others, so are the manners of lives (or livings) of all men and women various one from another; as some get their living by their tongues, as Interpreters, Lawyers, Orators, and Flatterers; some by tails, as Maquerellaes, Concubines, Curtezanes, or in plain English, Whores; Some by their feet, as Dancers, Lackeys, Footmen, and Weavers, and Knights of the public or common order of the Fork; Some by their brains, as Politicians, Monopolists, Proiectmongers, Suit-ioggers, and Stargazers; Some (like the Salamander) live by fire, as the whole Race of Tubalcaine, the Vulcanean Brood of Blacksmiths, fire-men, Colliers, Gunners, Gun-founders, and all sorts of mettle-men; Some like the Chameleon, by the Air, and such are Poets, Trumpeters, Cornets, Recorders, Pipers, Bag-pipers; and some by smoke, as Tobacconists, Knights of the Vapour, Gentlemen of the Whiff, Esquires of the Pipe, Gallants in Fumo; Some live by the Water as Herrings do, such are Brewers, Vintners, Dyers, Mariners, Fishermen, and Scullers; And many like Moles live by the Earth, as griping Usurers, racking Landlords, toiling Plowmen, moiling Labourers, painful Gardeners, and others.  
Amongst all these before mentioned, and many more which I could recite, this subject of my Pen is not (for his quality) inferior to any: and as near as I can, I will stretch my wit upon the Tenters, to describe his name and Character, his worthy Acts shall be related after in due time duly.  
And, Be it known unto all men, to whom these presents shall come, that I john Taylor, Waterman of Saint Saviour's in Southwark, in the County of Surrey, the Writer hereof, etc. will write plain truth, bare and threadbare, and almost starke-naked-truth, of the descriptions, and remarkable, memorable Actions of Nicholas Wood, of the Parish of Harrisom in the County of Kent, Yeoman, for these considerations following.  
First, I were to blame to write more than truth, because that which is known to be true, is enough.  
Secondly, that which is only true, is too much.  
Thirdly, the truth will hardly be believed, being so much beyond man's reason to conceive.  
Fourthly, I shall run the hazard to be accounted a great liar, in writing the truth.  
Lastly, I will not lie, on purpose to make all those liars that esteem me so.  
Yet by your leave, Master Critic, you must give me licence to flourish my Phrases, to embellish my lines, to adorn my Oratory, to embroder my speeches, to enterlace my words, to draw out my sayings, and to bombast the whole suit of the business for the time of your wearing. For though truth appeareth best bare in matters of justice, yet in this I hold it decent to attire her with such poor rags as I have, in stead of Robes.  
First then; the place of his birth, and names of his parents are to me a mere Terra incognita, as far from my knowledge, as content from a Usurer, or honesty from a Bawd, but if he be no Christian, the matter is not much, he will serve well enough for a man of Kent; and if his education had been as his Feeding, it is evident he had been of most mighty breeding; he hath gotten a foul name, but I know not if it came to him by Baptism, for it is partly a Nickname, which in the total is Nicholas, I would abate him but a Saint, and call him Nicholas Shambles, and were the goodness of his purse answerable to the greatness of his appetite, out of all question, no man below the Moon would be a better customer to a shambles than he, for though he be chaste of his body, yet his mind is only upon flesh, he is the only Tugmutton, or Muttonmonger betwixt Dover and Dunbar: for he hath eaten a whole Sheep of sixteen shillings price, raw at one meal (pardon me) I think he left the skin, the wool, the horns, and the bones: but what talk I of a Sheep, when it is apparently known, that he hath at one repast and with one dish, feasted his Carcase with all manner of meats? All men will confess that a Hog will eat any thing, either fish, flesh, fowl, root, herb, or excrement, and this same noble Nick Nicholas, or Nicholas Nick, hath made an end of a Hog all at once, as if it had been but a Rabbit sucker, and presently after, for fruit to recreate his palate, he hath swallowed three pecks of Damsons, thus (Philosophically) by way of a Chemical Infusion, as a Hog will eat all things that are to be eaten, so he in eating the Hog, did in a manner of extraction distil all manner of meats thorough the Limbeck of his paunch.  
But hold a little, I would be loath to cloy my Reader with too much meat and fruit at once, so that after your Sheep, Hog and Damsons, I think it best to suffer you to pause and pick your teeth (if you have any) whilst I spend a few words more in Paraphrasing upon his surname. Wood is his Appellation, Denomination, or how you please to term it  
Some of the ancient Philosophers have compared man to a Tree with the bottom upwards, whose root is the Brain, the Arms Hands, Fingers, Legs, Feet and Toes, are the Limbs, and Branches, the comparison is very significant, many Trees do bring forth good fruit, so do some few men; Some stately Trees grow high and fair, yet stand for nothing but shades, and some men grow high and lofty, yet are nothing but shadows; Some Trees are so malignant, that nothing can prosper under the compass of their branches; and some men are so unlucky, that very few can thrive in their service. And as of one part of a Tree a Chair of State may be made, and of another part a carved Image, and of a third part a stool of office; So men, being compounded and composed all of one mould and mettle, are different and disconsonant in estates, conditions, and qualities. Too many (like the barren Figtree) bear leaves of hypocrisy, but no fruits of Integrity, who serve only for a flourish in this life, and a flame in that hereafter.  
So much for that: now to return to my Theme of Wood, (indeed this last disgression may make my Reader think that I could not see wood for trees) what Wood he is, I know not, but by his face he should be Maple, or Crabtree, and by his stomach, sure he is heart of Oak; some say he is a Meddler, but by his stature, he seems like a low short Pine, and certain I am, that he is Popular, a well tymberd piece, or a store house for belly timber.  
Now Gentlemen, as I have walked you amongst the Trees, and thorough the Wood, I pray set down, and take a taste or two more of this Banquet.  
What say you to the Leaf or Flecke of a Brawn new killed, to be of weight eight pound, and to be eaten hot out of the Boar's belly raw? much good do you Gallants, was it not a glorious dish? and presently after (in stead of suckets, twelve raw puddings. I speak not one word of drink all this while, for indeed he is no drunkard, he abhors that swinish vice: Alehouses, nor Tapsters cannot neck this Nick with froth, curtal Cannes, tragical blacke-pots, and double-dealing bombasted jugges, could never cheat him, for one Pint of Beer or Ale is enough to wash down a Hog, or water a Sheep with him.  
Two Loins of Mutton, and one Loin of Veal were but as three Sprats to him: Once at Sir Warrham Saint Leigers house, and at Sir William Sydleyes' he showed himself so valiant of Teeth, and Stomach, that he ate as much as would well have served and sufficed thirty men, so that his belly was like to turn bankrupt and break, but that the Servingmen turned him to the fire, and anointed his paunch with Grease and Butter, to make it stretch and hold; and afterwards being laid in bed, he slept eight hours, and fasted all the while: which when the Knight understood, he commanded him to be laid in the stocks, and there to endure as long time as he had lain bed rid with eating.  
Pompey the Great, Alexander the Great, Tamberlane the Great, Charlemain or Charles the Great, Arthur the Great: all these got the Title of Great, for conquering Kingdoms, and killing of men; and surely eating is not a greater sin than rapine, theft, manslaughter and murder. Therefore this noble Eatalian doth well deserve the Title of Great: wherefore I instile him Nicholas the Great (Eater:) And as these forenamed Greats have overthrown and wasted Countries, and Hosts of men, with the help of their Soldiers and followers; so hath our Nick the Great, (in his own person) without the help or aid of any man, overcome, conquered, and devouted in one week, as much as would have sufficed a reasonable and sufficient Army in a day, for he hath at one meal made an assault upon seven dozen of good Rabbits at the Lord Wootons' in Kent, which in the total is fourscore, which number would well have sufficed a hundred, threescore and eight hungry Soldiers, allowing to each of them half a Rabbit.  
Bell, the famous Idol of the Babylonians, was a mere imposture, a juggling toy, and a cheating babble, in comparison of this Nicholaitan, Kentish Tenterbelly, the high and mighty Duke All-paunch, was but a fiction to him. Milo the Crotonian could hardly be his equal: and Woolner of Windsor was not worthy to be his footman. A quarter of fat Lamb, and threescore Eggs have been but an easy collation, and three well larded Pudding-pyes he hath at one time put to foil, eighteen yards of black Puddings (London measure) have suddenly been imprisoned in his sowsetub. A Duck raw with guts, feathers, and all (except the bill & the long feathers of the wings) hath swom in the whirlepole or pond of his maw, and he told me, that threescore pound of Cherries was but a kind of washing meat, and that there was no tack in them, for he had tried it at one time. But one john Dale was too hard for him at a place called Lennam, for the said Dale had laid a wager that he would fill Woods belly, with good wholesome victuals for 2. shillings, & a Gentleman that laid the contrary, did wager, that as soon as noble Nick had eaten out Dales 2. shillings, that he should presently enter combat with a worthy Knight, called Sir Loin of Beef, & overthrow him; in conclusion, Dale bought 6. pots of potent, high, and mighty Ale, and twelve new penny white loaves, which he sopped in the said Ale, the powerful fume whereof, conquered the conqueror, robbed him of his reason, bereft him of his wit, violently taken away his stomach, intoxicated his ●i●mater, & entered the Sconce of his Pericranion, blind folded him with sleep; setting a nap of nine hours for manacles upon his threadbare eyelids, to the preservation of the roast Beef, and the unexpected winning of the wager.  
This invincible Ale, victoriously vanquished the vanquisher, and over our Great Triumpher, was Triumphant: But there are precedents enough of as potent men as our Nicholas, that have subdued Kings and Kingdoms, and yet they themselves have been captived and conquered by drink; we need recite no more examples but the Great Alexander, and Holophernes, their ambition was boundless, and so is the stomach of my Pens subject, for all the four Elements cannot cloy him, fish from the deepest Ocean, or purest River, fairest Pond, foulest Ditch, or dirtiest puddle. he hath a receit for Fowl of all sorts, from the Wren to the Eagle, from the Titmouse to the Ostrich, or Cassawaraway, his paunch is either a Coop or a Roost for them: He hath (within himself) a stall for the Ox, a room for the Cow, a sty for the Hog, a Park for the Deer, a warren for Coneys, a store-house for fruit, a dayery for Milk, Cream, Curds, Whey, Buttermilk, and Cheese: his mouth is a Mill of perpetual motion, for let the wind or the water rise or fall, yet his teeth will ever be grinding; his guts are the Rendez-vous or meeting place or Burse for the Beasts of the fields, the Fowls of the Air, and Fishes of the Sea; and though they be never so wild or disagreeing in Nature, one to another, yet he binds or grinds them to the peace, in such manner, that they never fall at odds again. His eating of a Sheep, a Hog, and a Duck raw, doth show that he is free from the sin of niceness or his curiosity in Diet. (It had been happy for the poor, if their stomaches had been of that constitution, when seacoales were so dear here.) Besides, he never troubles a Larder, or Cupboard to lay cold meat in, nor doth he keep any Cats or Traps in his house to destroy vermin, he takes so good a course, that he lays or shuts up all safe within himself; in brief, give him meat, and he ne'er stands upon the cookery, he cares not for the Peacock of Samos, the Woodcock of Phrygia, the Cranes of Malta, the Pheasants of England, the Caperkelly, the Heathcocke, and Termagant of Scotland, the Goat of Wales, the Salmon, and Vsquabah of Ireland, the Sausage of Bolognia, the Skink of Westphalia, the Spanish Potato, he holds as a babble, and the Italian Fig he esteems as poison.  
He is an English man, and English diet will serve his turn. If the Norfolk Dumplin, and the Devonshire Whitepot, be at variance, he will atone them, the Bag-puadings of Gloucester shire, the Blacke-puddings of Worcester shire, the Pan puddings of Shropshire, the White puddings of Somersetshire, the Hasty-puddings of Hamshire, and the Pudding-pyes of any shire, all is one to him, nothing comes amiss, a contented mind is worth all, and let any thing come in the shape of fodder, or eating stuff, it is welcome, whether it be Sausage, or Custard, or Eg-pye, or Cheesecake, or Plawne, or Fool, or Froyze, or Tanzy, or Pancake, or Fritter, or Flap-iacke, or Posset, Galleymawfrey, Mackeroone, Kick-shaw, or Tantablin, he is no puling Meacock, nor in all his life time the queafinesse of his stomach needed any saucy spur or switch of sour Vertuice, or acute Vinegar, his appetite is no straggler, nor is it ever to seek, for he keeps it close prisoner, and like a courteous kind jailor, he is very tender over it, not suffering it to want any thing if he can by any means procure it: indeed it was never known to be so far out of reparations, that it needed the assistance of Caudle, Alebery, julep, Cullis, Gruel, or stewd-broth, only a mess of plain frugal Country Pottage was always sufficient for him, though it were but a washing-bowle full, of the quantity of two pecks, which porringer of his, I myself saw at the sign of the white Lion at a Village called Harrisom in Kent, the Hostess of which house did affirm, that he did at once wash down that Bowl full of pottage, with nine penny loaves of bread, and three jugges of Beer.  
Indeed, in my presence (after he had broken his fast) having (as he said) eaten one pottle of milk, one pottle of pottage, with bread, butter, and cheese: I then sent for him, to the aforesaid Inn, and after some accommodated salutations, I asked him if he could eat any thing? He gave me thanks, and said, that if he had known, that any Gentleman would have invited him, that he would have spared his breakfast at home, (and with that he told me as aforesaid, what he had eaten) yet nevertheless (to do me a courtesy) he would show me some small cast of his office, for he had one hole or corner in the profundity of his store-house, into which he would stow and bestow any thing that the house would afford, at his peril and my cost. Whereupon I summoned my Hostess with three knocks upon the Table, two stamps on the floor, with my fist and foot, at which she made her personal appearance with a low Curtsy, and an inquisitive What lack ye? I presently laid the authority of a bold Guest upon her, commanding that all the victuals in the house should be laid on the Table. She said, she was but slenderly provided, by reason goodman Wood was there, but what she had, or could do, we should presently have: so the cloth was displayed, the salt was advanced, six penny wheaten loaves were mounted two stories high like a Rampire, three sixpenny Veale pies, walled stiffly about, and well victualled within, were presented to the hazard of the Scalado, one pound of sweet butter (being all fat and no bones) was in a cold sweat at this mighty preparation, one good dish of Thorneback, white as Alabaster or the Snow upon the Scythian mountains, and in the Rear came up an inch thick shiver of a Peck household loaf; all which provision were presently, in the space of an hour utterly confounded, and brought to nothing, by the mere and only valorous dexterity of our unmatchable grand Gurmound. He courageously past the Pikes, and I cleared the shot, but the house yielded no more, so that my Guest arose unsatisfied, and myself discontented in being thrifty and saving my money against my will.  
I did there offer him twenty shillings to bring him up to me to my house on the Bankside, and there I would have given him as much good meat, as he would eat in ten days, one after another, & five shillings a day every day, and at the ten days end, twenty shillings more, to bring him down again. I did also offer ten shillings to one jeremy Robinson a Glover (a man very inward with him) to attend and keep him company, and two shillings six pence the day, with good diet and lodging: all which were once accepted, until Wood began to ruminate and examine what service he was to do, for these large allowances. Now my plot was to have him to the Bear-garden, and there before a house full of people, he should have eaten a wheel barrow full of Tripes, and the next day, as many puddings as should reach over the Thames (at a place which I would measure betwixt London and Richmond) the third day, I would have allowed him a fat Calf, or Sheep of twenty shillings price, and the fourth day he should have had thirty Sheep's Geathers, thus from day to day, he should have had wages & diet with variety; but he fearing that which his merits would amount unto, broke off the match, saving, that perhaps when his Grace, (I guess who he meant) should hear of one that ate so much, and could work so little, he doubted there would come a command to hang him: whereupon our hopeful Bear-garden business was shiverd, and shattered in pieces.  
Indeed he made a doubt of his expected performance in his quality, by reason of his being grown in years, so that if his stomach should fail him publicly, and lay his reputation in the mire, it might have been a disparagement to him for ever, and especially in Kent, where he hath long been famous, he would be loath to be defamed; But as weak as he was, he said, that he could make a shift to destroy a fat Wether of a pound in two hours, provided that it were tenderly boiled, for he hath lost all his teeth (except one) in eating a quarter of Mutton, (bones and all) at Ashford in the County aforesaid, yet is he very quick and nimble in his feeding, and will rid more Eating work away in two hours, than ten of the hungriest Carters in the Parish where he dwells. He is surely noble (for his great Stomach) and virtuous, chiefly for his patience in putting up much; moreoever he is thrifty or frugal, for when he can get no better meat, he will eat Ox Livers, or a mess of warm Ale-graines from a Brewhouse. He is provident and studious where to get more provision as soon as all is spent, and yet he is bountiful or prodigal in spending all he hath at once: he is profitable in keeping bread and meat from mould and Maggots, and saving the charge of salt, for his appetite will not wait and attend the powdering; his courtesy is manifest, for he had rather have one Farewell then twenty Godbwyes: Of all things, he holds fasting to be a most superstitious branch of Popery, he is a main enemy to Ember weeks, he hates Lent worse than a Butcher or a Puritan, and the name of Good-friday affrights him like a Bulbegger; a long Grace before meat, strikes him into a Quotidian Ague; in a word, he could wish that Christmas would dwell with us all the year, or that every day were metamorphozed into Shrovetuesdayes; in brief, he is a Magazine, a store-house, a Receptacle, a Burse, or Exchange, a Babel or confusion for all Creatures.  
He is no Gamester, neither at Dice, or Cards, yet there is not any man within forty miles of his head, that can play with him at Maw, and though his pasture be never so good, he is always like one of Pharaohs lean Kine; he is swarthy, blackish hair, Hawk-nosed (like a Parrot, or a Roman) he is wattle-Iawde, and his eyes are sunk inward, as if he looked into the inside of his intrayles, to note what customed or vncustomed goods he took in, whilst his belly (like a Maine-sayle in a calm) hangs ruffled and wrinkled (in folds and wreathes) flat to the mast of his empty carcase, till the storm of abundance fills it, and violently drives it into the full sea of satisfaction,  
LIke as a River to the Ocean bounds,  
Or as a Garden to all Britain's grounds,  
Or like a Candle to a flaming Link,  
Or as a single Ace, unto Sise Cinque:  
So short am I of what Nick Wood hath done,  
That having ended, I have scarce begun:  
For I have written but a taste in this,  
To show my Readers where, and what he is.   

POSTSCRIPT.  
THou that putst down the Malt below the wheat,  
That dost not eat to live, but live to eat:  
Thou that the Sea-Whale, and Land Wolf excels:  
A foe to Bacchus, Champion of god Bells:  
I wish if any foreign foes intent  
Our famous I'll of Britain to offend,  
That each of them had Stomaches like to thee,  
That of each other they devoured might be.  
Some have drunk healths at once (to purchase fames)  
As there are letters in their Mistress names,  
Others there are, that drink by rub and square,  
And sound round drinkers there abundance are,  
These barely go with making Barley dear,  
And cunningly transform themselves to Beer,  
Or potent Ale, or juice of French or Spanish,  
Or Smoke, (which Time and Coin doth banish:)  
These are the sleights that half the world enchants,  
These are the principles of woes and wants:  
But thou art free from drinking by the great,  
Meat is for men, and thou were't made to eat.  
Though Maximinus, Rome's great Emperor,  
Did forty pound of flesh each day devour,  
Albinus th'emperor did him surpass,  
Five hundred Figs by him down swallowed was,  
Of Peaches he consumed one hundred more,  
Of great Musckmellons also half a score,  
One hundred Birds, all at one meal he cast  
Into his paunch, at breaking of his fast.  
Pago surpassed both these two together,  
A Boar, a hundred loaves, a Pig, a Wether,  
All this the Rascal swallowed at a meal,  
(If Writers in their writing, true do deal.)  
But sure I am, that what of thee is writ,  
Is sure (although not all the truth, or half of it:)  
Thou dost exceed all that our age e'er saw,  
Thou potent, high, and mighty men of maw.  
FINIS