A IUNIPER LECTURE.    

A juniper Lecture.  
With the description of all sorts of 〈◊〉, good, and bad.  
From the modest to the maddest, from the most Civil, to the scold Rampant, ●heir praise and dispraise compendiously related.  
The second 〈…〉, with many 〈…〉  
Als● 〈…〉 advi●● 〈…〉  
〈◊〉 Printed 〈…〉, and are to be sold at his shop in Paul's Churchyard, 〈…〉   

To as many as can Read, (though but reasonably) it makes no great matter whether they understand, or no.  
HEre's a strange Lecture toward, (my towardly, or untowardly Reader) for here shall be found many things worthy your observation. I know you have heard of a Curtain Lecture before now: and shall very shortly hear of a Crabtree Lecture also: But for a Juniper Lecture (although the phrase or style be ancient, yet the matter is new:) And because it doth take, & is liked so well, I have enlarged it in many places, with many new Lectures to it: But why is it called a Juniper Lecture? Marry for sundry small reasons; why a Lecture, partly in Verse, indeed for no reason at all.  
But as the gagling tongue of a scold leaps and skips (like a Squirrel from one twig or branch to another, observing neither Method or Measure) so doth this various discourse and description of the good & bad qualities of women, skip from the vicious to the virtuous, & back again from the best to the worst. It is said that juniper being on fire is the most lasting wood in the World, and that if the fire of it be raked up in the Embers, or Ashes, it will not be extinguished in a year or more, which may be alluded to some revengeful women, who being once offended, the fire of their malice will hardly be quenched in their Ashes, or Graves. Juniper is hot and dry in the third Degree, (as Galen saith) and the tongue of a scold is altogether combustible: It is full of prickles, so are a cursed woman's words very piercing to the ears, and sharp to the heart. Juniper hath also some qualities and virtues of good women, for as it may be used, it is a Counter-poison against any one that is envenomed; so a virtuous woman is the honour & preservation of her husband's person and estate: the Berries & Gum is likewise good against gripings and gnawing in the stomach; so is a good wife a comfortable help to a man's aching heart: It hath a good savour, and so hath the good name of a worthy woman, the Gum of it is called Lachryma, or Tears, and for Tears, women (for the most part) have them at command; but the best is, they are like April showers, wet and dry in a moment. But as every woman is not a patient Griselda, so she is a rare Wonder amongst women, that neither hath the skill, or the desire to scold. Vale.   

To the Reader.  
I Sing the praise and dispraise of that Sex  
That gives men cause of comfort, or to vex:  
His joy or care, his blessing or his curse.  
His weal, his woe, his Saint, or Devil, or worse.  
You virtuous worthy women (few that be)  
I know you'll be so good to pardon me;  
And yet what pardon need I crave of them,  
Whom I will not offend, nor yet condemn.  
If women that are bad I do offend,  
It is the cause why these my lines are penned.  
And if they be not angry, I dare say,  
That all my labour's lost, and cast away.  
Thus (free from fear or flattery) on I run,  
To please or displease, when my task is done.  
Our Grandam Eve (in reverence) I omit,  
(But yet she played the fool, for want of wit)  
And her weak follies incredulity,  
She left unto her frail posterity:  
It is the earthly portion that we have:  
From womb, to tomb, from cradle to the grave.  
A woman was sins mother, but another  
Most blessed woman was a Saviour's mother.  
And therefore it may well be understood,  
As millions may be bad, there's thousands good.  
As some are Furies, that do men torment,  
So some are Fairies, that gives some content:  
As some are Destinies, and fatal shrew's,  
(Like Clotho, Lachasis, & Atropos)  
To spin and reel our lives with ●ares and moans.  
And cut our threads at last with sighs and groans  
Yet for our comfort there are Graces three  
T'affront those Fates (faith, hope, and charity.)  
As there are witches that in mischief swell,  
And Sirens, Furies, Harpies, Hags of Hell:  
Yet Prudence, Temperance, Justice, Fortitude,  
Are virtues with such mighty force endued,  
That those that do possess them are so armed,  
They cannot be by Hell, or Hellhounds harmed.   

Margery Quiet of Tame, in Oxford-shire, to her Ingenious friend, the Author, she acknowledging him to be a wellwisher to all good women.  
MEn have the Art of flattery, to commend  
That most, whereto their vain affections bend.  
Our beauties they extol unto the skies,  
In prose and verse, with many thousand lies;  
With tongue and pen our praises they repeat.  
How fair, how fine, how proper, and how neat:  
How handsome, and how bony, and how gay,  
How delicate and dainty every way  
We silly women are, with tooth and nail:  
men's flattery still our weakness doth assail.  
And we (alas) believe them too too much,  
And what they say, we strive still to be such.  
For cause they praise us for those things we see,  
We give our whole endeavours so to be.  
To paint, pounce, frounce, comb, curl, pearl, powder sleek,  
And all new fashions to search out and seek,  
To please our praisers: But if men could find,  
What 'twere to praise the virtue of the mind,  
What honour doth belong to chastity,  
What merit doth pertain to modesty:  
If goodness with men's praises were but graced,  
We should be then more modest, and more chaste.  
But thou (the Author of this following book)  
Ingenious, just, impartial pains hast taken:  
Thou dost commend the good, condemn the ill,  
For which all women, of all sorts shall still  
Remain thy friends and foes. M.Q.   

The Table.  

1. LEcture by a Mistress to her Apprentice, as soon as she rises in the Morning, with new additions. p. 1  
2. Lecture by a woman to her husband, that hath been married three or four years. p. 5  
3. Lecture by a young gentlewoman being a widow, to an old man, who offered to be a suitor to her, with new additions. p. 14  
4. Lecture by an old rich widow to a young Gallant, who came a wooing to her, that had little or no means. p. 18  
5. Lecture by a Country Farmer's wife, being a shrew, to her husband, for being abroad late at night, with new additions. p. 23  
6. Lecture by a wife who was very jealous of her husband. p. 28.  
7. Lecture by a widow, which was newly married, to a widower, with some additions. p. 23.  
8. Lecture by an old woman, to her young husband, whom she had newly married. p. 3●  
9 Lecture by a proud dame, because her husband would not allow her all the new fashions that are worn. p. 37  
10. Lecture by a mother to her daughter that was to be married forthwith. p. 52.  
11. Lecture a Dialogue between the scold rampant, & her patient Husband, with some additions, p. 71  
12. Of a woman to her husband after a ramble, with new additions. p. 99  
13. Of a loving wife to her husband, to persuade him from drinking, and ill company, with new additions. p. 105  
A. Dialogue between three Gossips, over a cup of Sack, tutoring one another how to domineer over their Husbands. p. 157  
Lastly, the Authors advise how to tame a shrew, with new additions. p. 170    

A juniper Lecture.  

1. A Lecture of a Mistress to her Apprentice something early in the Morning, and thus she begins as soon as she awaked.  
HEy ho, what the Sun so high already, and not the Boy up, nor the Shop open? Arise you Rogue, you sleepy rogue; can you sleep so sound, for all the Sun shines in your face? Arise, or else I will so belabour your lazy side, that I will make your ears ring Noon: you will be calling for your Breakfast as soon as you are up; I'll warrant your stomach is up already, but I will keep you short you idle Rascal, I will make you leap at a crust, so I will; you learn of your Master to lie a bed; the Proverb is true, Trim tram, like Master, like man: But I'll take another course with you, I will make you be glad to eat any thing; you are a dainty Rogue, you scorn this thing, and that thing, you were not so well fed when you were in the Country; then a little Barley-bread, and Oaten-Cakes would serve your fine chaps with a murrain: Now, since you came to London, you are grown so dainty, it passes: I am sure we had not so much money with you, that you need take so much upon you, to scorn the worst meat that comes in my house; nothing but Plumpudding will please your fine chaps, but i'faith I will bring you a hole lower, or else I will make you kiss Bridewell, and there you shall serve out your time: Out you stomackefull Rogue, nay, for all your pouting and lowering, I will make you know what it is to be an Apprentice, I will hereafter make you earn your Breakfast before you eat it; Run away if you will, and complain to whom you please, I will answer them, for I will never keep such an idle lazy Rogue under my roof: Therefore amend your manners, and follow your business, if you mean ever to have a quiet hour in my service; and I will make you learn to say, if I say the Crow is white, you shall say so too; whether it be right, or wrong, you must say as I say, and then all shall be well: Never was poor woman troubled with a man and a maid as I am; a couple of lazy Varlets. Nay Huzy, I come to you now in the Kitchen, I think you agree together to break my heart, but I will break your heads first: All my work is done by the halves, even from your Master to the poorest servant I keep in my house, but I will not talk any longer, for my words are not regarded: I will talk less, and do more, I will now put on blows, and give you something, but it shall not be any money: I will be revenged on some of you, though I cannot be of your Master, and I will make you all know me to be your Mistress, and will bear sway without control. Nay, Huzzy, grumble and mumble as long as you will, I care not; what is it you say, tell me, or else I'll make your bones rattle in your skin: Talk to me? talk to your companions at the Bakehouse. I give you warning now to look to your business by fair means, for if you do not, you shall do it by foul.  

The Servants Speech to themselves.  
We are poor servants, the Lord God doth know,  
We have a good Master, but our Mistress is a shrew.    

2. A Lecture of a Wife to her Husband, that hath been married three or four years.  
IN troth Husband, I can hold no longer, but I must speak: I see you still follow this vein of ill Husbandry, never keep at home: Is the House a wild-kat to you? here I sit all the day long with the Children, sighing, and looking every minute when you will return home: i'faith this course of life must be left; Do you think I can sell your Wares, or know the prizes of them when your Customers come? Let them look to your shop that will, for I will not: keep your shop, and then it will keep you: I say, keep home with a wanion to you, or else let all go at six and seven. You begin the week well, for this day, and no longer, so soon as you were up, and ready, then to the Alehouse to your companions, to some Game or other for your Morning's Draught of strong liquor: when I (poor wretch) must sit at home with a cup of small Beer of four shillings price, and be glad of it too, or else I must drink water: I dare say, and put a Warrant to it, that I may sit at home long enough before you will send me a cup of good drink, which you guzle down, making yourselves beasts, and not men; for a man, if he had or bore any love to his Wife at all, which hath brought him so many Children, would some time remember her, and say, carry this home to my Wife, and remember me to her: but your children and I must be content with any thing: I would I were dead, that you might have another wife, and then you should see it, she would not be made such a fool as I am by you; I am sure I take no pleasure at all like my other Neighbours Wives, for they can go abroad with their Husbands every day, but I, (poor I) once in a year, and glad of it then too. I would I had been made a man, for Women are nothing but your Drudges and your Slaves, to make you clean, and to wash and starch your clothes: when you go whither you please, and take no care at all for any thing. A woman's work is never at an end, and never done, but like a wheel, still turning round, and hath no end. I am forced as soon as I rise in the Morning, to make a fire, sweep the house, and get the children's and your servants Breakfast; no sooner that done, and they out of the way, think upon Dinner; then no sooner Dinner eaten, than I must make all the dishes clean again, and sweep the House: Then because I would be thought a good Huswife, I sit me down to spin, then think upon your Supper, and study what will please your dainty chaps, and make it ready against you come home, when you are half foxed; then the children must be strait way thought upon, or else there's nothing but crying and brawling, which makes my brains ache again. Then all being satisfied, put the children to sleep, then to bed myself; and thus a woman's work is never done.  
The Husband's answer.  
I do verily think, when you are a bed, you do wish that work were never done.   

These Lines were presented to a young and rich Widow, by an ancient Gentleman, hoping to obtain her love.  
Eye-dazling beauties best accomplishment,  
Whose form all frames of nature doth outstrip,  
For Nature's struck into astonishment,  
In viewing her o're-beautied workmanship:  
Her hair like to a curled Golden flame,  
Dishevelled, spreading o'er her comely shoulders;  
Her Brow Loves bed, her Eyes the Grace's claim:  
Her Lips Loves Altars, charming the beholders,  
Upon which Altars Cupid made his heart  
A easeless never ceasing sacrifice,  
And vowed from them he never would depart,  
Until she grant no more to tyrannize.  
To gain her Love, ten thousand lovers swears  
To offer Hecatombs of sighs and tears.  
And to this purpose he enlarges himself, thinking to gain her love and favour: After she had read them, she charms him for his insolency in this manner.   

3. Her Answer both in Prose and Verse to the old man that gave her the verses.  
AGed man, with what face dare you ask a young Gentlewoman the question? me thinks you are burdened with such years, that you should now be past dreaming on a Wife: Old age to match with Youth? 'tis monstrous; fie, fie, 'tis Lust in doting age: what makes within your thoughts such wanton fire? you are void▪ of all good action, but in your own opinion: Go home, go home and rest your aged head: do you think that I can give consent, where I doubt so much before hand? or do you suppose that I will wed a Statue, or lie in a Bed of Snow? or play with old Antiquity? When I should take my rest, than you will be a coughing and spitting, groaning and sighing, able to turn a young woman's stomach from lying with you. Do you think that I shall love a man that shall lie calving a bed, and have his breakfast brought to him, to cherish his appetite to perform his office and due? No, I will have a Husband that shall be always provided like a Soldier, never not with standing, but in a Sentinel posture, with his Match lighted, and cocked bolt upright, and ready to do execution: not like a Dormouse, always sleeping; or like a Drone in the Hive, live idly: but I will have a man active and nimble, and lively like the Spring, that can come off and on bravely, without the word of command, and not be forced by Art to do that which Nature hath taught him; like a Bear pulled to the stake by the Ring in his Nose, whether he will or no: Go to your Orisons, and tell your Beads, when I have a mind to wed old age, I will send for you: a Candle is more fitting for you than a Wife, and a Faggot with a Chafing-dish of coals, than a young bedfellow. Go think on your place of Burial, and set your mind on other things, than on young women; I will be no old man's Darling. Thus she sent him away, and gave him this Copy of Verses, and bid him read, and peruse them well.  
Like cheerful May, and frozen January,  
A fair young Maidan aged man did marry:  
And though she was his wife, and lay together,  
Yet he had very little to do with her.  
At board and bed he loved her in such sort,  
As his good will could reach to, although short  
Of what he would do, and in loving parling  
He calls her Duck & dear, sweet heart, and Darling.  
On her his lands and state he doth confer,  
Thinks all he hath too small to pleasure her:  
And she unkindly, with a kind of loathing,  
Esteems all as too little, or worth nothing.   

4. Another Lecture of an old rich widow to a young Gallant, who came a wooing to her, that had little or no means.  
BAse fellow, that dares be so bold to ask a Gentlewoman to thy bed; I scorn thee; I like myself the worse that thou shouldst hope the gaining of my affection: darest thou aspire to such a height, to think that I would wed so poor a Groom as thee, who wears all his wealth on his back: I scorn my Chambermaid should honour thee so much: you may prevail, I make no doubt, in the Kitchen, for I think by thy thin cheeks thou want'st a meal's meat: sure thou art some Cubberd-wooer, and so farewell; but when I want a Groom, I shall remember your name in my Catalogue, and if my Letter or word may serve you in any stead, I may perchance spare so much time as the running of an Hourglass for your better Preferment. I do marvel who durst be so bold as once mention me in that way in your company, or who encouraged you to be so impudent, to make such a sally on such a rich widow as myself: if it were any neighbour I knew, he should not hereafter set a foot within my doors; or if it were any of my household, they should not lodge within my roof, but instantly would I thrust them out of my service, and send them to look new Mistresses. I wish you forbear, and let me have your absence: you have your answer, be gone.   

An advice for some.  
A Widow that is rich, and wondrous old,  
Woo her, and stew her tender in her gold:  
If she be cold, a young man's flame will toast her,  
Or else his fire of youth will rotten roast her:  
But let him day and night himself apply  
To please her still, and she'll the sooner dye.   

On a woman's tongue.  
THings that be bitter, bitterer than gall.  
Physicians say are always physical:  
Then women's tongues, if into powder beaten,  
And in a Potion or a Pill be eaten,  
Nothing more bitter is, I therefore muse,  
That women's tongues in Physic they near use:  
There's many men who live unquiet lives,  
Would spare that bitter member of their wives.  
Then prove them Doctor, use them in a pill,  
Things oft help sick men, that doth sound men kill.   

5. A Lecture of a Country Farmer's wife, being a shrew to her husband, for being late abroad at night: and thus she begins.  
What, good man Clown, do you think to make me still your drudge to sit up late, and rise thus early every day, to work like a horse, and you to ride a hunting, gentlemanlike, every morning, and none but I left at home to look after your horses in the stable, your kine in the field, your swine in the yard, your poultry about the house, your cramming of your Capons, your brewing and your baking: you a Husband? you a Coxcomb; a mere Lubby, a Mooncalf, one that hath more hair than wit: I am sure you were never brought up to take your pleasure in this manner, I know that: you were brought up at the plough and the Cart, and to cry High, Give, Ho: out you brown bread crust, you know not how to use a woman as you ought; you know better how to Cart a woman, than to Court a woman: Go to, thou thou art an Ass, I am ashamed of thee when we are abroad together in any company; how thou stand'st a tiptoe to drink to a Gentlewoman, with your hat in your hand, and makes such a scraping leg, that the print of thy Hobnails is in the Board where thou stoodst, as if a horse had been beating his hooves, the scratches are so plainly seen: I never saw one more resemble a fellow they call the Lord of Portsmouth, that hath a party coloured Coat, than thou; if any one did see you but stand together, they would take you for brothers, you are so alike: thy grey eyes show that thovart a greedy gut; Francis is your name, do you remember how you filled your Guts so full of Furmatry that day you were married that you were ready to bust again, and how the company were glad to cut the points of your breeches, and to bathe your belly against the fire with Capous grease, or else you had burst in sunder; and now you are mocked ever since with the name ver since with the name of Francis Fil-gut Furmitry. Sure I was betwatled when thou cam'st a wooing to me, that I should love thee, for I see since that thou hadst no humanity or breeding in thee, but down right, as plain as Dunstable High way; for all thy Discourse, I still remember, was nothing but of thy Team of Horse, and thy Hogs, Calves, Geese, and other poultry ware; and in the conclusion, said, you were glad of the fine season of the year: Oh it was brave weather for your Father's Lambs: neither canst thou read one letter in any book: thy Horses are better Scholars than thou art, for they understand G and O: Go, thou art a blockhead, a Dunce, a Dullard, and canst understand nothing: I will make you hereafter learn to read in your Hornbook, so I will: I was told since I was married that when you were a little one, that your Mother sung Loubby to you, and ever since you have been an untoward Urchin. Out you Slabber Chops, go trudge with thy fellow Hob, and drive the Cart; Thou art a course Clown, a mere Coridon, thou art not able at any time to say boo to a Goose, unless it be to a bowl of pottage that holds a Gallon; and a Barley bag pudding of a yard long, and some Bull Beef, there I confess thou wilt, and canst show thyself a man: thou art good at nothing else, unless to play before the Bears with a Taber and Pipe: I see that Egg and bird thou wilt never be the better, but still lie roving up and down from Alehouse to Alehouse, and then to come home at this time of night, and so late as it is, which thou mightst be ashamed of: I do marvel how you found out the way, for you are not able to stand, nor look up with your eyes, nor yet speak a ready word for lisping and clipping the King's English: I see your horse had more wit than you, you may thank him, or else you had never found the way home; he can tell when he has enough, but you, you drunken sot, you pisspot, know not when you have sufficient; thus to come home reeling & staggering, it is a shame for you, it were a good deed to shut you out of doors all night, and make you cool your Heels, now your brains are so hot: out you Dosser head, shallow-braind companion: In the morning than you cannot rise, than your head aches, and are sick, and are untoward to do, or go about any thing; than you promise never to drink so much again: Then you say, Wife give me a little Whey to cool my stomach, of else entreat me to make you a posset; but i'faith you shall lie long enough before I will pity you, or before you have have thing from me: I would that the next time thou drinkest in this manner, and stayest out so late, that thou mighest meet Will with a Wisp, or some Fire-Drake or other, to lead thee over Bushes and Briers, Ditches and Watery places, that you may be so hampered by such furies, that yond may hereafter take warning for being from home so late.   

6. A Lecture of a Wife which was very jealous of her Husband: and thus she goes forwards.  Husband. 
GOod morrow wife, how do you this morning?  Wife. 
As many evil morrows mayest thou have, as I have words to speak, or tears to vent: I have heard of your jovial meetings with your Queans and Sluts abroad: what do you think to cast me off, or else to kill my heart by this your lascivious doings? is this your madding month? I thought you had not been so loosely given, was this the reason that you did forsake my bed, to breathe yourself for your whoors abroad? I thought it had been your modesty and your remperance when you told me you would lie alone because of the hot weather, and by reason of the Dog days I but let me tell you, though there be Dog days, yet there are no dogs nights: You shall lie no more alone I will warrant you, no, I will be no such fool, I will be no more deluded by your fair tongue and smiling looks: I do marvel what occasion I have given you, or what madness it is that moves you thus to wrong your marriage bed. When I was first wedded to you, you know what vows you made to love none but me: did not I forsake many a good match only for thy sake, when all my friends and kindred were utterly against it, and do you thus requite me, to make me a look out now in my old age, and when gravity appears on your cheeks? you should rather give good example and instructions to your houshold-servants, to live honestly and well, but you are quite contrary from any good rule: thus by your lewd course and company you are made a laughingstock to your Neighbours, and I poor woman to be pointed at as I go along the street, for bearing it so patiently: if I had given you any cause thus to slight me, you might have had a just plea; but I was ever willing to obey you in all your demands: I little feared this when I was first married, but now I find it too true in an unconstant husband, but I will not endure it any longer; You shall not stir a foot out of doors, but I will be at your heels, and I will so watch you, that you shall have little joy in any woman's company but your wives. Therefore have a care now I have given you warning; look to it I bid you.   

7. A Lecture of a Widow which was newly married to a Widower, and thus it follows.  Wife. 
What, do you mean to take me down in my wedding shoes? No sir, you are deceived: I had a Husband that loved me before I knew you sirrah, and gave me better content when I was first married, than you can: I come far short of what I did expect from you, but I will never believe a man by his looks for your sake, you white-livered slave: I had a man before, but now I have a fool: You shall find that I will not endure it at your hands, you shall not think to break my heart, as you did your other wives, no sirrah, I'll warrant you, I will cheer uh my heart, and spit in my hand, and take better hold. Though you have got all my estate into your hands by your fair words, yet you are deceived; I have a bag in store that you shall never know of, nor be a penny the better for it, no nor any of yours neither, for using me in this manner: my estate hath made you a man; before you had my estate, which my dear loving husband left me, you were a beggar, and not worth a groat before you met with me, but I will give them no thanks which made the motion to me, the next time I meet them: I'll warrant you I will not be mealy-mouthed, you shall know that I am a woman, and was maintained like a woman, before I knew such a poor conditioned fellow as thou art: Your betters sirrah, shall know how you have used me, where I will relate it to your disgrace. I'll warrant you, I will not be fed with a bit and a knock, as they feed Dogs and Apes in the parishgarden, no marry will I not, I will have better diet and better apparel too if it be above ground: for I brought you good means, and means I will be allowed. Little do you wasteful fellow know, how my dear husband did save it together, and went many a step for to get it, with the sweat of his brows: Ah poor husband he is dead and gone, I shall never forget his kindness to me: he was the best conditioned man to me that lived: he was so kind and loving, that he never came home empty handed to me, but still brought me home one knick knack or other: oh he was the sweetest husband that ever lay by a woman: for if ever he had an occasion to break wind backwards when he was a bed, he would lift up the clothes, and let it out so sweetly, so sweetly; and thou, thou carest not who hears the report, nor is any whit ashamed of it, thou art a very sloven, and a nasty beast to him, and art not worthy to carry guts to a Bear; but I must be content, it was my lot: yet I have some body will take my part, know it; nay, for all your knitting your brows, and threatening of me, I will not suffer it any longer at your hands, I have put up too much already: tread upon a poor silly worm, and it will turn again; I will haunt your ghost, & make your companions, which give you this ill counsel, weary of your company, and the Tavern too hot to hold you: what is spent there, is not thought much on; but every penny, every half penny that you spend upon me, comes from you like so many drops of blood: but I will have money some way or other, I will have it by hook or by crook, or else you or I will travail as far as the King hath any land.   

8. A Lecture between a jealous old woman, and her young husband, and thus she begins.  
ay, I, follow these lewd courses still, and see what will come on't: Alas, alas, youngster, I can see and perceive day at a little hole, as well as another can, and as far into, a Millstone as another woman whatsoever I take notice, to my heart's grief, how every day more and more you slight me: you regard not my company, neither at home nor abroad, neither at bed nor board: you are ashamed forsooth, that I (because I am somewhat old and ancient) should walk along with you in the streets, but I'll warrant you, if any of your old acquaintance, those young gill-flurts, who trick up themselves like a Bartholmew-faire Baby, or any other light Gossips entreat your company, oh the requst is no sooner made, but it is granted; on goes your Cloak, and out of Doors you go with speed, with any of these; I have marked it, with what willingness you have gone, as if you went to receive a thousand pound: But if I speak to you, nay desire you, and woo you, as 'twere for my life, to walk with me into the Town to visit my kindred or acquaintance, or but into the fields or Suburbs to be merry, and recreate myself, O what business is pretended, what excuses are framed, what Letters we have to write, what men we have appointed to meet about earnest occasions, just at that very time: Or if I do chance to get you once in the mind to walk with me, then presently you begin, who would be troubled with such a Wife that can go no faster, nor keep company with the rest: than you say you cannot be merry because you have such a clog at your Heels, and what should you do with these women in our company? you cannot be so jocund as you should: And when you do go abroad with me, do not I perceive how you march before after four Mile an hour? If I can limp after you, or be within your sight, well and good; if not, I may lose myself, for any care that you take: and why's all this sir, (think you) but because I poor old wretch should not be taken notice of for your Wife: and cannot I observe what nods and winks you use to other women in the Streets, as who should say, take warning, the old woman's behind, therefore pass by, and take no acquaintance; but I tell thee, sirrah boy, that when I was young, as now I am old, I would not have given my head for the washing, with never a wench you keep company with: for I was brought up well, and did keep good company, and was as much made of by young men, as you can do possible for your heart: I have observed it from time to time, that when we are in company to make merry, not a smile nor a cheerful look shall we get from you, no, you are then in your melancholy dumps, behaving your self rather like an Hermit in his Cell, or a Monk in a Cloister, than a merry man at the Tavern or Alehouse: And thus in my company you will sit as if Butter would not melt in your mouth, but I would have you know that I can hear what a merry companion you are in my absence: Oh then, especially if such a one, or such a handsome woman be in your company, you will sing, dance, tell merry Tales, kiss, dally, compliment, drink healths to this Mistress Fart, and this Mistress Fiddle, if the time and place be suitable. Well, well, I'll say no more for shame, and i'faith, i'faith, He turn away that fine Mistress Minks your maid, for something that I have ta'en notice of within these few days: your nose bled forsooth the other day, and you must needs throw your bloody handkerchief to her, and she with a wanion to you both, must hold the Basin while you wash your hands, marry gip with a murrain: But for that matter let me alone, I'll remedy that, or else I'll want of my will. I'll keep no such ●ine-snouted Minions as she is, I'll have a homely huswifely wench, that hath more honesty than beauty, and a better heart than a face; I'll not be thus plagued long, out upon it, an old woman that hath out-lasted the Date of four Husbands, and now come to be slighted by a Boy of four and twenty? Well, thy unkind dealing with me will be the death of me before nature hath appointed it. I took thee to be the staff of my age, but I doubt shortly thou wilt prove a rotten one with the pox. You marry an old rich widow for a comfort? well, I have done, 'tis but folly to speak any more now, but I wish all old women never to marry a young man for my sake.   

9 A Lecture of a proud Dame to her husband, because he would not allow her all the new fashions that are worn, and thus she begins.  
Why you whoreson rascally fellow, didst thou marry me to disgrace me, and make me a shame to myself, and all my Kin? Oh it is accounted very poor and base, to have a Cotten waistcoat laid with Statute-lace: no, I will have no such garment; other men's wives forsooth of an inferior rank to you, can go gallant and brave, and have money in their purses at command, and buy what fashion stuff is in wear, and never let their husband so much as know of it, till they see it on their backs, nor once question them what it cost: I go like a very drudge, nay, almost as bad as a dung-hill-raker: He warrant there is such a one, and such a one can change their Gowns, as often as the earth doth her Livery, that is, twice in a year; Hats, Aprons, sweete-Gloves, and new-fashioned Gorgets, and Hand-cherchiefes answerable to them, nor must I have any new fashioned dress to my head, or a Lawn Crosse-cloth, with a good lace, but with an ordinary Lace which cost not above twelve pence a yard; when every dirty draggletaile joan, that came with nothing to their husbands but their clothes on their backs, can bestow twenty or thirty shillings on a bare Lace, and they can have such things as they please, and I must not, or at the least can alter them without any contradiction, & Saturday night sets not a period to the week more certainly than the Shoemaker brings them new Shoes. But I poor wretch, which brought you as good a portion as any of them, must go like joan Hold my staff, with a Gown and a Hat of the fashion which was worn in Eighty eight, and a pair of hose and shoes at Easter; I am sure I have had none since, and now it is almost Christmas: I have never a pair of gloves worth the drawing on upon my hands; thou never bestowest above eight pence or ten pence at the most of a pair for me, and not worth the throwing at a Dog: Well, to be brief, mark what I say to thee, I have complained so long in vain, that I am weary of that way, but I'll another way; i'faith thou hadst been better to have been a little more freer of your purse, and not have pinched me so; for I know what I know: well, there is enough said for this time; go to, I will want no apparel, or any thing else, good man Rascal, I will not i'faith, pick English out of that if thou canst: if thou wilt not bestow a new fashioned Hat on me, I'll bestow an old fashioned Cap upon thee, in troth I will, & that quickly too, there is more, crack me that Nut sirrah.   

10. A Mother's Lecture to her daughter concerning Marriage, and thus she begins.  
DAughter, quoth she, you are now of years and size sufficient for marriage, or merry-age as you may make it, if you will be ruled, and your father and I have taken great care for the providing of a husband for you: and not to hold you long in suspense, it is young Master Oliver Little-good, the son of old Ralph Littlegood, the Usurer, the Mother had no sooner named the party, but her daughter was ready to fall into a swowne, and after she came to herself, she earnestly besought & begged, that of all men in the world she might not be teoubled with that fellow, and that she had rather to be married to her grave, than to be yoked with such a brainless lump of ignorance. The old man replied that he was very rich, and withal heir to a mighty estate of Lands and money, and that Matrimony is matter of money, and without money marriage is a marage, and not merry age: The maid replied again, that she knew he was rich, and in possibility of great possessions, but (quoth she) but what but said the Mother, I know what you mean by your but, you would say that for all his wealth he is but a fool; you have hit my meaning right said the Daughter, and I think there is no greater torment on the earth, than for a woman to be matched to a fool: Nay, quoth the Mother, now I perceive you are an idle foolish baggage, and do not know what's good for yourself; I pray thee but mark and consider, whether it be not a great deal better to marry with one that is a fool already, naturally made to your hands, or to be wedded to one that hath wit, and after that to take a great deal of care and pains to make him a fool: do but no●e the merry lives that the wives of fools have, for they suffer them to say and do what they list, they make them their Masters, they wear what apparel and what fashion they please, they eat and drink what they have a mind to, they go to bed and rise at their pleasure, they walk abroad, and come home again at their will: when they are disposed, they may have Horse, Coach, Sedan, or Boar to convey them either by Land, or by Water, either to see public shows, or to visit and be merry with private friends: they may be liberal and bountiful of their husband's estate, money, or goods; they may snap, snarl, and give them taunting and harsh speeches, and they may be entreated and sued to, to be quiet; they may be scolding, clamorus, proud, lascivious, voluptuous, high-fed, rich clad, commanding all, not to be commanded by any; nay, if you have but the virtue and volubility of the tongue with the help of lowering, pouting, frowning, disdainful scorning, taunting, slandering, scoffing; or if all these fail, you may use many words to no sense or purpose in the way of defaming your husband; and if it be his fortune to be a Cuckold, do you cry whore first, and tax him with incontinency: call him Whoremaster, (though your Conscience tell you that you lie) ifever you did him any good deed, either by yourself, or your friends, let him be continually cast in the teeth, and upbraided with it; and for your last remedy, you must stamp, tear your hair, curse, ban, play the devil, and cry with counterfeiting tears, and then presently the relenting tame fool (the Husband) will woo, and sue, and beg, beseech, cog, give gifts, and make large promises, and all for a little quiet life; for it lies in you to vex him to the very heart, and not to suffer him to take any rest day or night, but with the Clapper of your tongue to ring him a perpetual peal, (worse than sixteen funeral knelles) you may hunt and course him from bed to bed, and from one chamber to another, and as wild Haggard Hawks are tamed of maned with being kept hungry, and continual waking, so you must noise him, rouse him, torment and torture him with your tongue, that he shall have no mind either to eat or sleep; and though you have a private friend in a corner, yet by these harsh and discreet Documents and doings a woried or tired husband may be made an engine or warlike Ram, to batter and bear down all Bulwarks or Sconces of scandalous defamation: For take this of me as an infallible truth, though the charge of new fashions may vex a Husband, the cost of diet may trouble him, to wear a Cuckoo's feather may molest him, to walk or go early or late may, disturb him, to spend or waste his goods vainly may grieve him; yet all these he will be content to suffer with thanks and patience, if his Wife will be but pleased to be quiet with her tongue: For I tell you daughter, if you can make such use of your tongue, as the most part of wise women do now a days, you may awe the good man with his goods and family like an Empress, and if you have never so many faults, they will never be seen or thought of, if your tongue be sharp, quick, nimble, and can hold out untired. For the which purpose you may whet your wits with a Cup or two extraordinary of nappy Ale, strong waters, Sack, or some other kind of Huffecap drink, that may quicken your spirits, elevate your brain; for I was wont to do so often, and then I would talk to thy father beyond reason and measure and therefore it is not amiss to liquour your tongue, it will go with the more ease, (like a new oiled Jack) for it will run so nimble, that you shall hardly know what it says, or to what end it runs so fast. Moreover, it will be a great point of policy in you, to show yourself very precise and religious abroad, as if you were a Saint, for by that means you may blind the world, and play the Devil at home the more securely, and then the rest of your Gossips will pity you, and revile your husband. Indeed your tongue may (as you may use it) make your house your earthly Paradise, your Husband's Purgatory, and your servants Hell; and all these several sorts of happiness are yours, if you marry with a fool, and have the gift to use your tongue as a wise woman should do.  
Ah Daughter, didst thou know the toil and torment that I had with thy father so long as he was a wise man, thou wouldst pity me; I endured eight years most miserable slavery with him: my habit no other but old and unfashionable, my diet no other than such as he did eat of, and I bound to no bodies bed but his: but at the last it was my hap to be at a Gossip's Feast, where other good women began to talk of many matters, (which concerned them not much) for it is no right gossiping where they flatter not one another to their faces, and backbite their husbands and neighbours behind their backs: Amongst them was an ancient Matron, that with an eye of pity looked on me, saying, Mistress Smalworth, me thinks by your Countenance and attire, you are grieved in mind, what is the matter? I pray you impart your cause of sorrow to me, and I will give you such motherly Counsel, as my weak ability can afford; what, is your husband unkind to you? or what other disaster is the cause of your heaviness?  
Whereupon I (fetching a deep sigh) began to tell her, that I had been more than seven years married to a wise discreet man, but all the fault he had was to be a good husband, and look to every thing so narrowly, that I could not have my will in all that I desired, that I was restrained of that freedom and liberty which I had a mind to have, and debarred of that predominance and command, which women are ambitious to aspire to, though they know themselves altogether unworthy, and uncapable of it; for indeed Gossip (quoth I) I do want nothing that may suffice any reasonable body; nor do I in word or deed offend him; only the main rule and command of all I would have: for I would feign control, and not be controlled.  
With that I began to weep, and the good women all pitied my case: so that at the last the old Matron said that she was in the same predicament as I was when she was first married, until at the last she met with an ancient experienced creature, who gave her counsel to make her Husband a fool, if ever she hoped to live a merry life: and further, that she presently gave her the same Counsel which she offered unto me, which I so well practised on my Husband, (thy Father) that with my vexatious verbosity, fluent loquacity, I brought my good man to my bow, that I could bend him which ways I listed, I hammered him, and made him Maleable, I turned him, wrought him, and Wire-drawed him: and thus after I had lived long in a hard and miserable estate with a wise man, I, with a little good Counsel, and an apt capacity to follow it, in a year and a halves space, with the ingredients, of pride, scorn, and scolding made him a fool, so that now (in good time be it spoken) I thank my Stars, there is not a Lady within the Walls of Europe lives a more pleasant life than I do. And therefore (daughter) I charge you on my blessing never entangle your self to be married to a wise man; but for your own quiet and delight, be sure, if you can, to marry one that is a fool already; for there are many stubborn fellows as thy Father was, that are very hard to be made so; and so if you embrace my counsel herein, you shall (doubtless) have greater pleasure, and live at more ease and liberty.   

11. A Lecture Dialoguewise between a man and his wife, which is the scold rampant: and thus they salute each other.  Hus. 
Sweetheart, me thinks I find a great alteration in you, that you are not the woman that you have been towards me, can you show any reason for it?  Wife. 
I pray do not call me sweetheart, till such time as you use me as a wife; for I am persuaded that your lips hang in your light, that you do hardly know me from another man's wife: but woe be to thee for an ill-bred fellow, that ever I saw thy face, but you must be wand'ring; Change of pasture makes fat Calves, but it is certain that change of wenches make lean knaves; and all Cats be grey in the dark, and Joan is as good as myLady.  Hus. 
I pray thee good Duck, do not play the devil with me, for I protest this jealousy of thine is without cause, and sure some malicious tattling Gossip or other hath been prating to thee, and put these foolish lies and toys into thy head.  
Here the Lecture begins.  Wife. 
DVcke? thou art a dissembling Viper to call me Duck: Call me Whore and Quean, as you do at home, and give that name of Duck to your Gilflirts, that you consume your estate on, and sent you home the other day drunk in a Porter's Basket, and another time reeling up and down the street, and making Indentures, as if you had served seven years an Apprentice to a Scrivener: but such as you, that are given to be drunk and to play the whoremasters, hold an opinion, that store is no sore: but thou wicked Caitiff, thou wilt know one day, that store of Pox and other diseases will be sore: but I was bewitched, I might have looked before I had leapt: there is no Mongrel Cur will keep a woman so unfashionable as thou dost me, but as the Proverb says true, In love is no lack, so I should not lack what I would have, if thou didst love me. Besides, I would have thee know that I will not live by love; do but take example of my neighbour Master Gregory Animal how he maintains his wife, (who, as the talk goes, is no better than she should be) a suspicious loose Gossip; and Master Innocent Gandergoose likewise is a pattern for all kind husbands to imitate; for though his wife be a very devil to him, and a perpetual vexation, yet (good man) he takes all patiently, like a Coxcomb, swallows all like a Gudgeon, and like a Woodcock loves her the better. But I poor unfortunare wretch am out of sight, out of mind. What hard hap had I to be matched to a Dogbolt, Caterpillar, Curmudgeon, that cares not for me; but if I were wise, I would make thee drink such as thou brewest, as the good man of such a parish, honest Mistress Holdup doth, she makes her husband a very Ass, an Abram, and a Ninni-hammer; she will rail and scold at him, that all the house shall ring again: and though she be counted a Whore or a light woman, yet by making a noise and clamour, the silly Owlyglasse (her husdand) doth not only suffer himself to be a Cuckold, but is contented to be a foolish Wittol, so that now he cares not who lights his Candle at his Lantern. Also there's Mistress Minks, that's an inch broad in the heel, a proud Trull, abominable high in the instep, she hath the world at will: for her loving john a Nods lets her say and do what she list, she will call him all the base names that can be reckoned, as Clown, Buboone, Nonsense, Widgeon, 〈◊〉, Slabberchaps; and then (to stop his mouth) he gives her any Newfangle, or fashion in the world, that his purse can reach to: But I am married to a grumbling Maultead, a Boor, a Dunghill, a Cullion, a common Town-bull: (o●● upon thee Varlet) I defy thee, I spit at thee, and I may curse the time that ever I saw thee: thou keep'st me like a drudge, there's not a Bawd, Quean Punk, Tib, Trash, Trull, or Trully-bub, Oyster-wife, or Kitchen-stuff Slut, but lives a merrier life than I do: I am scorned and slighted by every Dirty Drab, I protest, rather than I will live this life with a mizerly Hoyden, I will take a Knife and drown myself, or a Halter and out my throat: I would thou hadst such a wife as Mistress All-the-world, and then thou mightst make Hay with thy head, as well as with a Pitchfork: And there's Mistress Brawler, an understanding Woman, she makes a mere Noddy of her husband, she rules him as if he were a young Puppy: and dost thou think that I (to the ill example of all women) will be an underling to such a Blockeheaded fool as thou art? nay, I will make thee know that I am no Goose to be Crow-trodden by such a Buzzardly Gull as thou art: Sirrah, if you be the head I'll be the Cap: if you will be the Cap I will be the Button; I will be master and rule you, seeing you cannot rule yourself, nor know what is fitting for a woman without so much ask for it: Tut, I was not hatched under a Hen, nor will I be Mealy-mouthed, though thou be flap-mouthed, thou Dunce, thou Dolt, thou Sot, I will have my will, or I will vex every vein of thy heart, thou Loggerheaded ●●●by: As I am a sinner I am ashamed to walk abroad with such a Lubberly Lout: Thou dost know, thou miserly base Patch, that almost every Cobbler maintains his wife in her Black Bag, and I did but ask thee to give me one, (as fits my calling) and thou, like a greedy Growtheaded Looby, denyedst me, but hereafter take it as thou wilt, and mend thyself as thou canst, I will be my own Carver, and not stand to the allowance of such a Beetleheaded Cuckoo: And now thou knowest my resolution, I wish thee no more to trouble thy foolish Jolt-head with studying to curb or bridle me, for I scorn to be commanded by any dogged-divelish Crabbed Knave, or confined in any compass of Reason by such a Hungarian Twyerpipe; and if any way these Words of mine have troubled your mind, or do stick in your stinking stomach, you may go and make your moan to any of your Companions and Consorts, Drunkards, Bawds, Whores, Fanders, Pimps, Rogues, Rascals, Vagabonds, Runagates, Slaves, Villains, and Varlets, your old Comrades, and Company-keepers, and so woe be to thee, and let sorrow be thy sops.  
The Husband's speech to one of his Nighbours, out of his wives hearing.  
MY Wife sure, good neighbour, was born at Billingsgate, and was certainly nursed up there, she hath such a vild tongue: and therefore I have made these Lines to that effect.  

It is a school, where shamefaced women may  
Hear impudence anatomi●'d so right,  
That she, who scarce i'th' morn knows what to say,  
May learn the Art of scolding all by night:  
They jeer, they fight, they swear, & curse like Roisters  
I'd ne'er abide the place, were't not for Oysters.   
Within a year or two after his wife died, and he gets a Poet to make this Epitaph of her.  
MY Dame and I full twenty year's  
Lived man & wife together,  
I could no longer keep her here,  
She's gone the Lord knows whither:  
Of tongue she was exceeding free,  
I purpose not to flatter,  
Of all the wives that e'er I see,  
I vow I'll ne'er come at her.  
Her body is disposed well,  
A comely Grave doth hide her  
And sure her soul is not in Hell,  
The Devil could ne'er abide her;  
Which makes me think she's soared aloft,  
For in the last great Thunder,  
Me thought I heard her very voice,  
Rending the Clouds insunder.  
This Lecture may seem strange to as many as are Bachelors, for with them the married life is admitted, and wished for; but I would have them to consider, that after Marriage Huney-moone is but short, and before the Black Ox hath trod on their foot, they will wish they had tasted the Grape, before they commended the Vine: Beware left instead of Sugar you do buy Ratsbane. There's many a man hath angled for Fish, and catched a Frog: He may be thought to be very unwise that will change his free liberty for fetters of gold, or Manacles of Silver; grief and torment of mind is better lost than found; there belongs to marriage more than four bear legs in a bed: So likewise It is hard to wive and thrive both in a year; for though good matches are made in Heaven, yet some men perhaps have few or no friends there at the matchmaking: There are too many who are more forward in seeking their Banes, than the Minister is to ask their Banes in the Church; for though in some cases it is good to take Time & Occasion by the foretop, yet too often Haste and Wisdom do vary. Indeed, All is gay that is green, and a new Broome sweeps clean: Therefore it is a wiser part of a provident man to be more careful in the Choice of his wife, than of any earthly thing whatsoever; for though it be fit that every man should be at his own Wedding, yet many times the marriage were the better if the Woman were away. It is a hard case, that when there are but two, yet there is one too many. And I heard a fellow say, that his wife had but one fault, which was, that she was naught.  
A man may fast bind, and fast find, but he cannot unbind that which he hath bound so fast: he may strike whilst the Iron is hot, and he may wish that the Forge had been burnt to ashes, and the Anvil sunk in the sea, before he struck a stroke, he may shoot nigh the mark, and aim well, and hit the mark, which had been better for him to have been a thousand miles out of his reach: The best Wine will in time be the sharpest Vinegar; & the sweetest Sugar may be turned into Salt Peter.  
Suppose a young man, that is but of mean estate, do marry with an old rich Widow, he shall be sure to live in a continual Purgatory with her; for either she will be jealous of him, or covetous, casting him always in the teeth, how she with her estate hath made him a man, or raised Jack for to be a gentleman, that she hath set a beggar on Horseback, and (if he were her servant before, as many widows do often marry with their men) then will she daily upbraid him, that she hath made her foot her head.  
If an old rich man do Match with a poor young woman or maid, that hath kindred as poor as herself, there the Devil sets in his foot of jealousy and suspicion that his Wife doth waste his goods to help her Kindred, and if he hath any children, they will love their mother in law, and she will love them again, (all alike) so that the house will be more unquiet than hell.  
He that doth marry with a whore (although his lot be bad) yet age and time may make her turn honest.  
He that weds a drunken women (as there are too many of them that are most liquorishly addicted to Wine, strong waters, Ale, and the like) there may be some hope of her mending, or ending.  
He that is matched to one that will steal and pilfer, there may be hope that she may be taken, and by admonishment or punishment reform; or else that in the end the Hangman may take such order with her, that her husband may be eased of his trouble.  
It is better for a man to have a fair Wife, that himself and every man else will love, (provided that she be not a scold withal) or a deformed wife, that would hire others to make much of her (for foul water will quench fire as well as fair) or a drunken Wife, that would make much of herself, or an old wife, that were bedrid of her tongue, or a thievish wife, that should steal from himself and others, or a proud one, that would waste all his state in fashions, or a liquorish wife, a daily feasthunter, or a lazy wife, like Joan Easie, that loved her Bed better than her Distaff; or a sluttish wife, that would poison him, and end all his miseries: I say, it were better for a man to marry with any of all these forenamed wicked kind of women, than to be matched and over-matched with a scold, for a scold will be all these, and worse: she will be melancholy malicious, and her most study shall be, to be ill-conditioned: she will mumble, hang the Lip, swell, (like a Toad that hath lain a year under a woodpile) pout, louvre, be sullen, sad, and doged: she will knit the brows, frown, be wayward, froward, cross, and untoward on purpose to torment her husband: her delight is chiefly to make debate abroad, and to be unquiet at home; in her house she will be waspish, peevish, tasty, tetchy and snappish. It is meat and drink to her to exercise her spleen and envy, and with her twittle twattle to sow strife, debate, contention, division, and discording heartburning amongst her neighbours. I have heard a husband ask a wife such a mild question, and she hath snapped him up so disdainfully with an answer, that no Mistress would have used her prentice boy so scomfully: The pride of such a Jade is not to be endured, her coyness is to be jeered at, and her contempt to be derided, and such of them, are most to be despised, that do make a seeming show of Religion, and a good life abroad, and when they are at home at dinner or supper; whilst the Husband is saying Grace, sitting on one stool, his virtuous vexatious wife hath sat upon another stool by him, cursing and swearing. Therefore I advise all men, young and old, rich and poor, to marry any woman, of any bad condition, rather than a scold.  
There was an old fellow once, that was not only married, but almost overmatched with a shrew, or a most excellent Hypocritical scold, for abroad she seemed a civil devout creature, as if Butter would not melt in her mouth, but at home she would play the Devil, so that the man was amazed at her strange and uncivil behaviour, (and indeed a very little wine or strong waters would make her tongue gallop, and her hands walk) her Husband not giving her any cause, did marvel at her unquietness, and gently persuaded her often, but all to no purpose, for the more he entreated, the more proud and furious she would be, calling him all the names that are mentioned before in the Lecture, all which he did most patiently endure: but at last she so much trod upon his forbearance, she presumed that it was his duty to suffer.  
At last (he being loath to beat her) he conceived to tame her another way, so perceiving that her delight was to have her house kept clean and neat, with her Brass and Pewter always shining, and brightly scoured and set up; one time as she was in her mad fit, he tumbled all the platters & kettles about the house, which with the falls from the shelves, were somewhat bruised and battered, but that trick would not do; so the next time she abused him, he began another course, and made her believe that he would cut and tear her best wearing clothes, both linen, and woollen, but did small hurt, he having wit in his anger, yet still all was to no end; insomuch that she grew more insolent and used him worse, reviling him beyond all reason and never snffering him to have one quiet day or hour: and at last she grew to that height, that she would strike him over the face, either at bed or board, or any where in the house, as the mad fit came on her; so that his patience being tired, he would forsake his house, and lodge abroad at some friend's house, sometimes a week, and sometimes more; but at his returning home, he found her too often the same mad woman she was wont to be, and he knowing no fault in himself, and that neither fair means nor foul will reclaim her, (as I did hear him say) he doth purpose to leave her to her devilish disposition: because he is utterly desperate that she is quite past mending.  
And now again I will treat a little of some few good women.   

12. A Lecture of a woman to her husband in the morning as s●●ne as he awakes, for a ramble ●'re night: and thus she begins.  
What, are you awake good man Foxe-catcher? are you in any better humour than you were last night trow? then you had your base Songs and Catches you devised when you were among your Drunken companions: and no sooner come home, than to me you had all the ill names that you could invent to bestow upon me: Well Kit well, I see thou wilt never leave these idle courses, till thou bringest all to ruin: thou dost well, dost not, thinkst thou? to go out so soon as you have dined so well, and hadst such good company at home, and never think of coming home again, till eleven of the clock at night, and in this pickle, more like a beast than a man? Thou shouldst be ashamed, if thou hadst any shame in thee, that thy Neighbours should take notice of thy folly: You would come home in two or three hours at the most, you told me when you went out: I am sure all the business that thou hadst to do, might have been done and finished in an hour at the most: What, hast thou no measure, no reason, no government in thee, when thou art in company, and a drinking Wine, to give over until thou art overcome with Drink? no care at all left to forbear spending thy money, but thus idly to waste thy goods? Me thinks if thou hadst no love, respect, or regard of me, yet for thy children's sake thou shouldst have some. I marvel whither you went, or in what new hole you had entertainment, that you could not be found out: That little meat I had in the house I dressed it, and got it ready for your Supper, expecting your coming home, and here it stood slopping before the fire, till it was hard and dried to nothing; and so it remained till the Clock struck seven, eight, nine, before I touched a bit of it: Nor could I eat any part of it then for thinking on you: and let me tell you, I cannot eat my meat so alone, and without company; I was never used to it. Then I went with my Child in my arms all about, and did look in every Alehouse and Tavern, where I could imagine you might be: but no finding of my Gentleman: You were sure lost in a Fog, or else you met with some new companions that gave you better entertainment than either I, or any of your old consorts can do: Well, where did your Worship Sup I marvel? would I were so happy as to know your new Ordinary; i'faith it should cost me a few cold words, but I would be meet with some of your new Hosts and Hostesses; but it is no great matter, keep it so close as thou canst, I'll warrant thee before it be long I shall have notice of all: if thou hadst been in any honest company, or any that wished you well, or me well, or your Children, thou wouldst not be loath to tell me: Well, well, I shall think on it, when you least think I will.   

13. A Lecture of a kind and loving Wife to her Husband, and thus she begins.  
SWeet Husband, I am sorry to see you are so vainly given to drinking, and to company: I pray consider with yourself what injury you do me, and your own credit by it, and that diverse ways. First, you lose your time that is so precious, which you and every man ought to regard, and make use of while they have health and ability so to do; I am sure you have seen how Time is pictured with a Lock of Hair before, and Bald behind; the meaning is, we must take hold on times forelock while we have it, for when he is past, there is nothing to hold by, all bald behind; for when 'tis gone and passed, it is not to be recalled again: It is good to make hay while the Sun shines, 'tis an old Proverb yet worthy your observation. Then secondly, you spend your money, which is the marrow of the Land, and makes you to be so respected and beloved of all; for without money you cannot have anything, with your money you may command all things. It is your money which makes you so welcome when you go into the Tavern, it is for your money that they be glad to see yond, and bid you farewell. If you were in necessity, and wanted money, trust me sweet Husband, there is none of all those places, where you have spent it so idly, that will scarce give you ten Shillings, nay, scarcely lend it you without a sufficient pawn: and if you should make your complaint to them, what will they say do you think? Alas good Sir, or goodman such a one, I am sorry that you are come to this pass, and driven to this urgent necessity in your old age; you were always free, and very kindhearted, I pity your case, alack aday, I have not so much money to spare at this time, for I have newly paid the Brewer, or the Baker, or the Merchant, and I was forced to make bold with one of my Neighbours to borrow of them to make up the sum; This is the comfort and entertainment you shall find when you have need of their help. I pray remember my words good sweetheart, for while your money lasts, you shall not want company, or good liquor, but once gone, then good night Landlord; for a man without money is like a Pudding without suet, dry meat; and as old Hobson said, it is money which makes my Mares to go, so it is with them; for without money there is no abiding there: trust you they will not, though (perhaps) they may make you drink, and so bid you farewell; and thus you have jack Drums entertainment for all your money. Then thirdly, consider again my loving Husband, how you abuse the good Creature of Wine, Beer, or Ale by your extraordinary drinking, and how sick and ill you are the next day, and how uncapable you are of your affairs and business, and can take no true delight in any thing you eat or drink, whether you walk, or sit still, for two or three days after; it is such a bewitching thing, that you cannot leave it when you would: you must think you have not a body of Brass to hold out still; no, you will in time find the inconvenience of this drinking overmuch: it shortens your days, and makes you look ill, as if you had been buried in a Grave, and taken up again; do but consider what detriment to your health, the abundance and superfluity of Wine, or any other liquid stuff doth; for you must conceive, your stomach is the receptacle for all sorts of meat and drink, and the best of the wine doth disperse itself through little veins, into all the parts of the body for its nonrishment; then the remainder of those dregs and grounds, which are left behind in the stomach causes Vapours to fly up into your brain, makes your head ache, and there injures the Pia matter and Dura matter, and so stupifies your Penicranium, that all your vital parts and ventricles are almost suffocated, and your life in hazard also: then some dangerous diseases or other follows; as Fevers, Agues, Inflammations, Consumptions, and such Distillations from the Brain, that it will for ever after impair your health; then in this extremity you must be constrained to take Physic, to qualify and refrigerate the extraordinary heat in you; and moreover, if your Physic be not good, and well clarified, the dregs which remain in your body, will too much cool the Natural heat, and destroy the Radical moisture; and when those decay, than life farewell: Then if need require you must breathe a vein, and be let blood, and it may be, happen upon an unskilful Surgeon that cannot do it handsomely, but mistake the vein; and perhaps when his hand shakes, prick an Artery; and so lose the use of your arm; or else perchance make such an Orifice, that he cannot stench the blood, or else so butcher your arm by often striking, that you faint and sound in the act, and so lose your life: and all this ensues by your ingurgitating and excessive drinking of Wine, or such like liquor: for Wine and Tobacco being both hot, doth so heat and burn you within, that it weakens and impairs your strength very much; and especially, Tobacco weakens you; for you may read these ensuing lines which I dare say an honest man writ them, and they be true, and he was a Woman's friend I will assure you.  

TObacco that Outlandish Weed,  
Weakens the body, & spoils the Seed;  
It hurts the Brain, and dims the sight,   
Truly Husband, if you understand yourself aright, you must needs confess this to be true; for you must know, Nature cannot do no more than it can; it helps to evacuate the superfluity, and purges the Brain when it is overcharged and oppressed; as much as in her lies: but if you lay too much upon her, the ruin will be your own in the end, and with loss of life.  
Fourthly and lastly, indeed I speak to you and tell you this for your good; you know I have never fall'n out with you, nor given you any ill language, though you came home late, and have been disguised in drink; but entreated you to have a care of your self, and to come home sooner. To conclude, because I would not be too tedious in relation, I hope these words of mine you will give care unto, and will better your understanding to remember them: you shall ever find me a loving & a kind wife to you in all things; you men are the Head, & must govern us women; we must be guided by you in all things: you are the Sun to me, and I am your Marigold, to shut & open when you please: your sweet company, good Husband, joys me more than all the World beside; if you would but keep home, I should think nothing too much that I did for you, and by your fair words I would even let out my heartblood to do you good. Therefore dear Husband, if you will take a Woman's counsel, be wise, and keep your money for better uses, than to spend where you shall have no thanks in the end: for the oftener you use to visit these Alehouses or Taverns, the more they will slight you, and disrespect you; any new company shall be spoken to before you, nay, they will make bold with you, and you shall stay their leisure, when others shall be served with the best Wine they can draw, and you with the worst.  
The Husband's reply.  
In troth sweet Wife, I find it very true, and for thy sake,  

I will drink strong Beer no more, no more;  
But ever hereafter I will drink cold water,  
And keep my money in store, in store.   
But as I have written of virtuous and modest women, so must I ever, and I wish all other men and women to hold and esteem them in a good & reverend regard; and I am sure their wisdom and discretion is such, that they will take no distaste at any thing that either touches or concerns them.  
For it is too well known (by woeful experience) daily, that some husband and servants are so wicked, and basely inclined, that they will give too much cause to make a well-disposed and quiet woman speak, as I was minded shortly to set forth a Book to that purpose, concerning the bad courses and misbehaviour of such as go in the shapes of men, but indeed are Beasts, or rather worsethan beasts, Heathens, or Infidels, but I shallbe prevented in writing of it; for I do here that there are diverse women set their helping hands, to publish such a Book themselves in their own praise, with an answer to this Book: called by the Name of Sir Seldom Sober, or The woman's sharp revenge against the Author. Yet the many encumbrances of Marriage doth make some men and women often wish themselves single: for Argus his hundred eyes are not sufficient, Briareus one hundred hands will not serve, Croesus' wealth will not supply, Hercules performance will not satisfy, Salomon's wisdom cannot prevent, Sampsons' strength cannot prevail, nor all the wit, power, strength, or policy of man can restrain, or keep his wife within the limits of reason, if Heavenly grace guide her not.  
Now for the Readers better satisfaction, hereafter followeth a relation of what degrees and callings, and of what Countries and Nations those women were, whose names are Recorded in History for good or bad, as also of what qualities and conditions the most part of them were of; with the manner of some of their lives and deaths.  
Helen is said to be jupiters' Daughter, and that she was so faite, that for her beauty she was ravished twice: The first time was by Theseus', the tenth King of Athens: after that she was married to Menelaus, King of Sparta, or Lacedemonia, from whom she was stolen by Paris, the son of Priam, King of Troy; for which second Rape of Helen, the Princes of Greece combined together in Arms, and after ten years' siege of Troy they took it, sacked, and fired it.  
Helen (another of that name) was the happy mother of the Illustrious and famous Christian Emperout, Constantine the Great; which Emperor restored, and gave full freedom to the Gospel's preaching, after it had been three hundred and odd years suppressed and persecuted under the ten bloody persecutions: He repaired old Byzantium, and named, it Constantinople; His mother Helen was likewise the Religious foundress of a magnificent Chapel upon the Mount Tabor: (where our Saviour was transfigured) she was a most virtuous Empress, and as some writers say, she and her Son Constantine were borne in London.  
Also there was another Helen, the Mother of the unfortunate Constantine, the last Emperor of Constantinople, who was overthrown by Mahomet the Great, Emperor of the Turks, May 29, 1453. On which day Constantine Paleologus lost the City, with his Empire and life: so that one Helen and Constantine built it, and two others of the same name lost it, as aforesaid.  
Lais was a famous Grecian or Corinthian whore; she was so haunted with the Princes and Nobility of those times, that she was exceeding Rich, and she was at so high a rate, that when Demosthenes (the admired Orator) demanded of her the price of a night's Lodging with her, she told him that she would not take less than 10000 Drachmas, which in our money is two hundred pound Sterling: but Demosthenes (not liking such a Bargain) answered her, That he would not buy Repentance at so dear a rate. She was stoned to death by whores for her too much over-valuing of herself.  
Thais was also another famous whore of Corinth, and that of such singular beauty, that she would entertain none but Kings and Princes. She mightily befooled the wise Philosopher Aristippus, & held him (in a near degree) under a slavish command.  
Livia was the light Empress and Wife to Augustus Caesar; it is related that she made him wear a Cuckoos Feather in his Cap.  
Semiramis was Empress and wife to Ninus, the grandchild of Nimrod; she was left a Widow, with one Son, whose name was Ninias, who was so effeminate a Prince that he suffered his Mother Semiramis to reign 42. years over him: She was valiant and victorious, but in the end she was so overcome with a lustful inordinate affection to her own Son, that he slew her with his own hands in Babylon.  
Pasiphae was the wife to Minos, King of Crete, (now called Candi) it is said she was in love with a Bull, by whom she had a Monster called Minotaurus; but it is more probable that a Courtier named Taurus, did use such familiarity with her, that she brought forth a Son more like the said Taurus, than to her Husband King Minos.  
Hermia was a Strumpet of that excellent feature, that Aristotle (the famous Philosopher) was so besotted on her, that he adored her with divine honours, and offered sacrifice unto her.  
Messalina was Empress and wife to Claudius Caesar; she was a Monster, rather than a Woman, and of such incredible insariablenesse, that is unfit to be rehearsed.  
Olympias was wife to Philip King of Macedon, and Mother to Alexander the great, she was a woman of a haughty mind, and bloody nature, and so revengeful, that she murdered Cleopatra, (the former wife to her Husband) and her two children; the one she killed in the arms of the Mother, and the other she caused to be broiled alive in a Copper-bason: it was suspected also that she poisoned her Husband King Philip, At last she was slain by the commandment of Cassander, one of the successors of Alexander.  
Mirha was the incestuous daughter of Cynare, or Ciniras', King of Cypris, upon whom her own Father begot the fair and beautiful youth Adonis, the delightful Darling of Venus.  
Medusa, a fiction, Fury, or Hellish Hag.  
Progne was one of the Daughters of Pandion, King of Athens, and wife to Tereus' King of Thrace: her Husband ravished and cut out the tongue of her Sister Philomela, in revenge whereof Progne murdered her own Son It is, and caused him to be baked, boiled, and roasted for her Fathers (her Husband Tereus' supper, and because her revenge flew so swift, it is feigned that she was turned to a Swallow. For further satisfaction, look Ovid's Metamorphosis, Lib. 6.  
Media was daughter to Ceta King of Colchos, she was a most beautiful Witch (or Sorceress) she was so enamoured on the goodly personage of jason, that she showed him the way to shun the dangers in the winning the Golden Fleece, which after jason had accomplished, she ran away with him into Thesally  
Circe is feigned to be the Daughter of Sol, and that by the Mother's side she is Grandchild to Oceanus, the Sea-god; she was also a cunning Witch, the wise Ulysses had something to do with her, as you may read in the 14. book of Ovid's Metamorphosis.  
Agrippina was the Mother of the bloody Emperor Nero, she poisoned her Husband Claudius, with his Son Brittanicus, and lastly she was murdered by command of her Son Nero, who was formerly suspected to have incestuously strumpitted her.  
Flora was a beautiful Whore in Rome, who by her Trade had heaped up great treasures, which she gave all to the common people at her death, for the which they built a Temple to her, and worshipped her, calling her the Goddess of Flowers.  
Clytaemnestra was wife to Agamemnon, King of the Micenians; he was the valiant General of the greeks at the ten years' siege and sacking of Troy, but returning home to his Wife, he was most wickedly murdered by her procurement, and by the hands of one Aegisthus, who had long lived in Adultery with the said quean, Queen Clytaemnestra.  
Pandora was a Woman so in favour with the gods, that Pallas gave her wisdom, Mercury gave her Eloquence, Apollo Music, Venus' Beauty, also they gave her a Box, wherein were hidden, and secret things enclosed, (as they said) and withal commanded her straightly that she should not dare to open the said Box, which nevertheless she did open, and suddenly thence flew out of it all the griefs, pains, maladies, and diseases that do afflict miserable mankind. This Fiction is an Allusion or Emblem, that women can hardly keep Counsel, and that they have a desire to do that which they are forbidden.  
Xantippe was a most famous, delicate, dainty, devilish Shrew, or Scold; she was the wife to the wisest of the Philosophers, Socrates; she hated nothing more than peace & quietness: On a time she hunted her Husband to and fro scolding, from one room to another, that he to be rid of her, went and sat in the street at his door, which she perceiving, went up into a Chamber above him, and threw the pisspot on his head, whereat when Socrates perceived people to laugh, he patiently said, that he expected some rain would fall after so many claps of Thunder.  
Saphira was an hypocritical woman, and the Wife to the dissembling Ananias.  
Rhodope was a beautiful Strumpet of the Country of Thrace: She was once fellow servant with Aesop, the Phrygian Fabulist: she was so notable in her Art, (as Cornelius Agrippa saith in his vanity of Sciences) that she got so much wealth, that therewith she paid for the building of a Pyramid, or Pyramids, which was a work esteemed one of the Wonders of the World.  
Deianiera was Wife to Hercules, whose causeless jealousy was the death of Hercules; before which time he so much doted on the beauty of jole, the daughter of Errytus, King of the Aetolians, that for her sake he laid by his Arms, and Monster-killing Club, and like a servile Handmaid, in woman's apparel, practised to spin with a Distaff, to please his fair Mistress. Love overcomes all things.  
Briseis was a fair Lady given to Achilles, at the siege of Troy, she was taken again by Agamemnon, for the which there was great strife between those two great Princes, but at the last she was restored again to Achilles.  
Arlotta, or Harlot, was a Skinner's daughter of Cane in Normandy, whom Robert, the sixth Duke of that Province, was so bold as to beget on her Willians the Conqueror, King of England: since which time, most of such used women as are called She-friends, are in memory of Arlot (or Harlot) called Harlots.  
Fair Rosamond Clifford was the unfortunate Paramour to Henry the second King of England: she was poisoned by the jealous Queen at the Manor of Woodstock, in Oxfordshire.  
Jane Shore was the wife of Matthew Shore, a Goldsmith of London, she was taken from the City to the Court by K. Edward the fourth, with whom she lived merrily, and died miserably in the reign of K. Richard the 3.  

And thus a world of Histories are fraught  
With all degrees of women (worse than naught.)  
But for the good ones, to gain their good will,  
To them I humbly now direct my quill.   
Lucretia, was the wife of Tarquinnius Collatinus, a Noble man of Rome, which Noble and chaste Dame (the proud and lustful King) Sextus Tarqvinius Ravished violently; for the which indignity she slew herself.  
Portia was the Daughter of Cate, and wife to Junius Brutus, her father slew himself to save his honour, her husband killed himself to escape the hands of Octavius Caesar, and she (being taken prisoner) being debarred of weapons, Knives, Garters, and all other things whereby she might misdo herself, nevertheless, though she were carefully and diligently watched, she suddenly went toward the fire, and catched up hot burning Coals, and swallowing them died to preserve her honour.  
Dido, some called her Elisa, was the famous foundress of the mighty City of Carthage in Africa; she was the Daughter to belus; she was married to Sichaeus, who was Priest to Hercules, (A man of such mighty wealth, that Pigmalian, Dido's brother slew him) so by that means, Dido being a Widow, one Hiarbus, King of Getulia (or the Geteses, which some hold to be Norway, or Gothland) made Suit to her for marriage, which she refusing, he made War against her; and she finding herself too weak to withstand his forces, and withal not being minded ever to Marry, (the love of her first Husband had taken such deep root in her heart) she killed herself. Virgil doth frame in his Aeneades, that she slew herself for the love of Aeneas; which cannot possibly be so, for Aeneas came from Troy 350. years at the least, before Dido was borne, or Rome or Carthage built.  
Artemisia was a Queen, replenished by beauty and chastity; she was the Wife to Mausolaus, or Mausolus) King of Caria, she loved her Husband so entirely, that when he was dead she caused him to be embalmed, and his heart to be taken out and dried to powder, which every day she drank a part of, till all of it was drank: she said, that whilst he lived they both had but one heart, and that she held no Sepulehre so worthy for the interring of his heart, as was the living Sepulchre of her body. Also she caused a Monumental Tomb to be built, wherein she laid the Corpses of her beloved Lord and Husband: The Tomb was of that magnificent and stately structure, that it was accounted one of the Wonders of the World; the stone of the said Tomb was of an excellent and rare kind of Marble: it was in compass 411. foot, in height 37. foot, and it was circled about with 36 Marble Pillars, most curiously carved with Corinthian work.  
Pheadra was too loying to cast herself away for the love of Hippolytus.  
Phillis did as much for Demophoon, and Thisbe for the love of Pyramus: killed herself with a sword. These three or four last named, were overaboundant too to loving Creatures.  
St. Ursula was the daughter of a British Prince, named Dionetta; she, with 〈◊〉 Virgins more who were under her command, were assailed by the Barbarous G●●●es and Vandals, and because they would not yield their bodies to prostitution, and their souls to Heathenish Idolatry, they were all put to deathby their inhuman enemies. There is a Monument in the City of Colleine of St. Ursula, and the said eleven thousand Virgin Martyrs.  
Leodice, the Wife to Ariathres, King of Capadocia, did unnaturally murder five of her six sons, for the which the people violently fell upon her, and killed her, which being done they crowned the surviving son that was left.  
Dominico Silvio, Duke of Venice being deposed from his Dukedom, because his Army was discomfited by Robert, Duke of Puglya, and Calabria, his wife in her greatness was so daintily proud, that the Dew was often gathered from Roses and flowers, to make Baths to bathe her in with costly perfumes and other devices; yet before she died her flesh did rot, & stink in such a noisome manner, that none could abide to come near her, & in that miserable fashion she died.  
When the Emperor of Germany (Conradus the third) had overcome the Faction of the Guelphs, and taken their chief City called Monake in the Canton of Berne in Switzerland, the Emperor commanded his soldiers to cut all the men in the City in pieces, but he granted the women so much mercy and favour, as not only their lives and freedom, but also to carry away as much as they could on their backs, whereupon the Womenkind consisting of Maids, wives widows, or other Females, took every one of them a boy, a Lad, or a man, (their fathers, Brethren, Uncles, friends, and the Town soldiers) upon their backs, and bore them out of the City, and so saved their lives from the Emperor's fury: which he, perceiving, was so moved with pity, that in love to the woman's worthy acts and true affection, he was pacified, and gave them all free pardon of their lives, with their Town and goods.  
As there have been good women, whose honours and virtues are as famous and memorable as men, so likewise there hath been, and are too many whose lives are abominable, live and dye detestable: for the height of the Firmament is found by the Staff or Astrolabe, the depth of the Sea may be sounded with the Lead and Line, the farthest Coasts are discovered by the Chart and Compass, Art and Wit find out the secrets of nature, Man's Anatomy is known by often dissections and experience: But Instrument, Plummet, Line, Compass, Wit, Art, or Experience, cannot find out or shun the deceits of a wicked woman, for though all women be womenkind, all are not kind women; and as they are weak, and subject to the temptations of men, so are they stronger temptations to men, than men can withstand: and it is to be noted, that the most or greater number of them do love and take delight to be sued and sought to, although they are determined never to grant that which is sued for.  
They commonly are very forgetful of good turns, and concerning injuries, they have memories that will outlast Brass or Marble, they are so like the Courtiers in ●●land, that if they should promise me a dourtesie, I would not be so foolish as to expect to have it: It is natural for them to despise what is freely given to them, though they need it; and it is a cruel vexation to them to be denied any thing that they ask, though it be but needless and impertinent toys and babbles.  
Huldovina, wife to Paleologus, the second Emperor of Constantinople, which Emperor was afflicted with the Gout, and other diseases in such grievous manner, that for the space of nine Months every year, he could not stir out of his Bed, or Chamber; at which times there was no Physic that could help or ease him but his wives scolding: (which medicine was taught him by a Witch) I wish I had a wife endued with such virtue, I would let her out to hire at what rate or price I listed.  
Infinite were the number that might be named, that have been famous for their virtues, or infamous for their vices, but they are recorded in other Histories, and therefore I hold it impertinens to proceed further this way.  

As women diverse are, I change my Pen  
From good to bad, from bad to good again:  
One with the other I have mixedhere,  
For Virtue, shines more bright when vice is near.   
An old man asked a young Maid this Question: If I should take thee to be my Wife, I pray thee tell me, wilt thou be honest? she answered him presently, what I might be, if I were married to you, I know not, but I do mean to be honest if you take me not.  
There is nothing more vexing to a Scold, than when she perceives the party she scolds at not to be vexed; for they cannot be angered worse than not to answer them: therefore a wise man will not set his wit to one of them, as either to regard, or give her an answer, for an Answer is encouragement, and indeed it is too much Honour for a man either to descend so low as to take notice of what they say, or to stoop lower to afford them any Reply, but to shame them with their mortal enemy, Silence.  
Cancer (in Latin) 'tis a Crab of the Sea; there are also Crabs of the Wood, and he that marries a woman that was home when the Sign was in Cancer, is likely to be matched in one of a 〈◊〉 disposition: and of a crooked nature, and then the old 〈◊〉 will prove the best Cure, as thus:  

The Cr●b of the 〈◊〉 is a Sauce very good  
For the Crab that doth swim in the Sea.  
But the wood of the Crab is good for a Drab,  
That will not her Husband obey.    

A strange familiar daily and hourly Lecture, most rare and ordinary very easy and extreme hard to be understood, pronounced by an Ancient Grand Gossip over a Cup of Sack & strong Waters.  
Mistress Jane Twittle, M rs. Sicily Twattle, M rs. Dorothy Small-worth, Mistress Few-words, and Mistress Many-better, went all a shroving one a good Friday to old Mistress Little-goods; where after the expense of half an hour's time in impertinent & unnecessary curtsies, how dees and welcomes (the young Woman having brought a fat Capon and Coneys, with a Gallon of Canara (in Bottles) they all sat down, where after a while that the jack, the Spit, and the Cups had gone round, they began to talk of many things, whereof they had nothing to do, but the old Mistress of the House prayed them to be merry and wise, and that Pitchers had ears, and therefore (to avoid danger,) she entreated them to clamour their tongues, and to have a care to speak no more than they said, and with that (good Creature) she called for her Hum Bottle, and kindly drank to them, desiring that it might go about, saying, it was the spirit of whorehownd, and a rare preservative to drive away Melancholy; That 'Bout being past, they began to change their discourse, as the inspiration of good drink, and the Volubility of their tongues gave them utterance; some talked of their Husbands, some prated of the fashions, some backbite their Neighbours, some commended the Sack, some extolled the Hum Battle, and all drank round still: Well, well, (said Mistress Twattle,) All this Corn shakes no Wind, nor doth any of our Husbands know what great pains we poor women take: with that word Husband, old Mistress Little-good began to start, saying, In good time be it spoken, I have not been troubled these 32. years with so grievous a burden as a Husband, I tell you (loving Daughters) I am threescore and fifteen Winters old, (at the next Grass or Hock-m●nday) and before I was forty I had buried four. I remember the first was a Tailor, (as honest a man of a Protestant as need to beyand as true a man of his Trade, as ever broke Bread; and indeed Bread was his Bane, for he was choked with eating fourteen Pennyworth of hot Bunnes upon a Good-friday morning, his death was very grievous to me, for he was a man of fair behaviour, and his credit was so good every where, that he might have been trusted with untold Millstones; he got more (by half) by his Shires, than by his Needle (for he was a large Cutter) his Bodkin was one of his Military Weapons, but for his Yard it was somewhat scant, and very short of London measure.  
I had not been a Widow above five days, but a Shoemaker would needs know the length of my foot, I remember he came to me upon a Monday, persuading me it was one of St. Hugh's Holidays, by whose Bones (with the aid of Saint Crispian) he swore he would have me: & (alas) I being a weak woman, seeing his boldness, I had no power to hold out, so the next day we got a Licence and were married, out to see what a sudden alteration was befallen me, think a Woman could never have chanced upon two husbands of such different qualities; for as the Tailor was addicted to Bread, the Shoemaker was altogether for Drink; the one was a pint of small Beer, and 3. penny loaves, and the other was a dozen Pots and a Halfpenny crust. Indeed I think he got our House-rent, and part of our bread by stretching and gnawing his Leather with his teeth, but for his drink he could hardly bring both ends together at the years end: Truly he was a very proper man (but for his face) and for the King of Good-fellows, he was worth his weight in burnt Silk; but within 2. years' Death came upon him, and (with a Habeus Corpus) brought him from his Awl to his Last; but before he died he was as lean as any Rake, for he was a small eater, and you know that all drink, or swill and wash, and no Grains, will never fatten a Hog. He being laid sa●e in his Grave, I was almost a forenight before I could perceive any wooer, or Love-struck Suitor to make towards me; I mused and grieved, at such a neglect at that time (for I tell you daughters) I then thought myself as fine as the proudest, and I am sure I was as proud as the finest, and esteemed my penny to be as good Silver as the best of them: at the fortnight's end of my second Widowhood, to drive away grief, I would sometimes see a Play, and hear a Bearbaiting; whereas a handsome formal Bearded man made room; to sit down by him, and he took such good notice of my Civility, in laughing at the sport, that indeed Love struck him to the heart with the glances of mine eyes, in such sort as within short space we met at a Tavern, where with a Contract we made ourselves as sure as Sack and Sugar could tie us; in a Word, the Marriage was ended, and Giblets were joined, (as we thought to both our contents,) but all is not Gold that glisters, and oftentimes a fair morning doth usher a foul day; as it happened with us) for my Husband being a Merchant, and Free of the Worshipful Company of Haber dashers of Small Wit, within half a year after we were Married, he appeared like a Venice Glass that had fall'n from a Tavern Table in a drunken Fray; for it is to be noted, that a Merchant & a Glass are much like in quality, and altogether contrary to an Egg, or a jest, for the Glass or the Merchant are stark naught when they are broken, and the Egg or jest, are never good so long as they are whole. My Husband being thus unhappily cracked, took up a strong Lodging for his safe keeping, and became a Courtier to King Lud, but after six Month's Imprisonment, he made a shift to wind himself out by compounding with his Creditors for seven groats in the pound; and being at liberty, and most plentifully stored, with neither credit, Coin, means or friends, he fortuned to be in a place whereas a Statute Book lay; negligently behind a Curtain in a window, which he (without any leave or knowledge to the Right owner) borrowed and closely carried away under his Cloak, upon which book he would be continually poring and reading, so that by his industrious study he found how wickedly the penal Statutes were broken every day a thousand times, whereupon he resolved (seeing all Trades failed) to turn Informer, or (as ignorant fools term it, who know not what they say) Promouter; in a word, my Husband was so witty by his practice in that good Book, he made a shift to get a bad living; he was a terrible Termagant against Taverns, Alehouses, Cooks, and victulers, for dressing Flesh in Lent, or fasting days, and they (being in his danger) would compound with him; and give him money underhand, by which means they had that convenience, to dress what and when they would; and frothy curtal Khan's, bombasted foamy juggs, squirting black Pots, or any villainous unlawful measures, were winked at with my good man's Cum Privilegio, but at last he was found out, and the reverend Grave judges for his compounding and winking, did so clear his eyesight, that they made him look and see perfectly through an Inch Board, for he was mounted on a Market-day on the Pillory, and part of his faults written in his Forehead; and after he was degraded and made uncapable, to be worthy to undo anybody by Information; for his word was never more to pass for currant. His pains being past, I know not by what chance but he got a pocky blow with a French Cowlstaff, and gave up the Ghost in an Hospital.  
He being Dead was much bemoaned (for indeed he did as much good here whilst he lived, and was as necessary a member as the fifth Wheel in a Coach.) It was my Fortune within one month to marry with one Achitophel Little-good, in which match we were both cozened; for he took me for a rich Widow, and I was in great hope that his Bags were lined with Gold and Silver Rubbish; but it fell out otherways, for he was as poor as any boasting Knave need to be; for he owed for the very clothes that he wore; and so we two (being both in one case) had most plentiful store of hunger and ease; and yet though he had neither means or Trade, he was so diligent to look out, that he would make hard shift to be drunk almost every night, and then when he came home, he would most familiarly, and lovingly kick me, calling me Whore, and many other pretty Surnames; and sometimes he would play with my hair, winding it about his fist, and kindly draw me by it all about the house, and withal sometimes he would embrace me in great affection (out of his own good Nature) with a Wand, a Cudgel, or a Rope's end. I being as than not very old, began to take these kindnesses to heart; and (to requite him) I would walk as well as he, & stay abroad as late, insomuch (that for my better maintenance) I Traded so well, and had such good comings in, that I made him wear an invisible Cuckoo's Feather in his Cap, and if occasion had been he could have made Hay with his head, as well as with a Pitchfork; and I would raise my voice to him in the chiding vain, that all the house & street would have rung of it, (for I had a very shrill high voice) & I would talk on purpose to no purpose but to vex him; for women are not bound to speak sense to senseless fools, nor Reason to unreasonable drunken Beasts; our best knowledge (for the most part) is not to be understood in any thing that we mean, say or do; and yet I understand thus much, that a Crowing Hen is better than a Craven Cock; and truly if I could have found out but where any good behaviour was to be had in England, I would have had my Husband bound to it as strongly as the Devil mended his Breeches, when he sowed them with a Bell-rope: he had a Wife and two Children before he married me, but (as I heard say) he was a better Husband then to them than to me, for as his house was on fire once, he was so careful that all should not be burnt, that he cast his Wife and Children into a Well, saying he would save somewhat. Indeed he was a Melancholy, merry, sad, malapert conditioned fellow, and I loved him so dear, that it struck him inwardly with such joy, that after eighteen months being married, he died of the pip; and I hearing that a Projector was about to get a Monoppoly to have all the Goods and possessions of all such Widows who died with grief for their Husband's decease; I thought it the safest way to deceive the Projector, not so much as to grieve or shed a tear: And for his sake I vowed never to be married again. And so good neighbours and Gossips, I drink to you all, and you are welcome all.   

The Author's advice how to tame a shrew.  
IF you perceive her to increase her language, be sure you give her not a word, good nor bad, but rather seem to slight her, by doing some action or other, as singing, dancing, whistling, or clapping thy hands on thy sides; for this will make her vex extremely, because you give her not word for word: And be sure you do not offer to go away, but walk still before her, or in her hearing; for if you do think to avoid her clamour by going abroad, you are deceived; for than you do but give her breath, and so she will have a Bill os Revival against you when you come in again, and so by that means will have another fling at your Jacket: and if you must needs go forth about your occasions, beware that she do not meet with you as Xantippe the wife of Socrates, did meet with him: for after he had endured her railing & bitter words for two or three hours together, and slighted her by his merry conceits, she studying how to be revenged of him, as he went out of his house she poured a Chamber-pot onhiss head, which wet him exceedingly; whereupon he presently said, I did think that after so great a clap of Thunder, we should have some shower of rain, and so passed it off merrily: but if all will not serve that you can do, to stop her rage, but she will thus every day clamour, than I wish you to buy a Drum into your house, and lock it up in some private room or Study, that she may not come at it, and when she doth begin to talk aloft, do then begin to beat a loud, which she hearing, will presently be amazed, hearing a louder voice than her own, and make her forbear scolding any more for that time. And at any time if she do talk or scold, then sing this Catch,  

He that marries a Scold a Scold,  
He hath most cause to be merry,  
For when she's in her fits,  
He may cherish his wits  
With singing hay down dery, with a cup of Shery.   

Or thus:  
What hap had I to marry a Shrew,  
For she hath given me many a blow,  
And how to please her, alas, I do not know.   

Another.  
Dub a dub, kill her with a Club,  
Be thy wife's Master:  
Each one can tame a shrew, but he that hath her.   

Another.  

Never let a man take heavily  
The clamour of his wife,  
But if he do please to learn of me,  
To live a merry life,  
Let her have a swing  
All in a hempen string:  
Or when she begins to scold,  
Do thou begin to sing,  
Fa, le, ra, lafoy, lafoy, fa, le, ra.   

If nothing else will do't,  
'Twill keep her tongue in awe,  
To sing, Fa, fa, lafoy, lafoy, le, ra.  
It is the only way to tame a shrew,  
And save a man the charge of many a blow,  
Fa, lafoy, lafoy, lafoy, fa, lafoy, lafoy, le, ra.  
But if she persist, and will have her well,  
Oh, then bang her, bang her, bang her still.    
And thus having briefly showed you how to pacify a scolding wife, I will only fall into a merry strain or vein for a few Epigrams, and so conclude.   


Epigram 1.  
I blame not lusty Doll, that strives so much  
To keep her light heart free from sorrow's touch:  
Grief is a Corrosive, that would consume her,  
And therefore she affects a pleasant humour:  
she's light of head, and heart, and light of heel,  
And every way as nimble as an Eel.  
she'll dance and sing, a hem boys, hay all six,  
she's steel to th'back, all mirth, all Meretrix.   

Epigram 2.  
Kate very eagerly doth still pursue,  
To have Diurnal and Nocturnal Duc.   

Epigram 3.  
Nells' Husband says, she brought him naught but toys,  
But yet (without his help) she brings him Boys.   

Epigram 4.  
There's no man looks on Lidia's face, would think  
So fair a feature should so foully stink:  
Wherefore, excepting kissing compliment,  
In other cases she can give content.   

Epigram. 5.  
Mall at first motion no mankind endures,  
But make her drunk, she's everlasting yours.   

Epigram. 6.  
Meg lets her Husband boast of Rule and Riches,  
But she rules all the Roast, and wears the Breeches.   

Epigram. 7.  
Madge by no means immodest prank 〈◊〉,  
Yet takes delight to go exceeding gaudy,  
To sport, carouse, and do such things beside,  
As to report of, would appear too bawdy.   

Epigram. 8.  
Tib scorns be taxed for dearness of her Trade,  
That takes for hire, but as your Hackney jade,  
Provided you depart e'er Candle-light,  
Or pay her Fees double if you stay all night.   

Epigram 9  
Sib lets her Corpse out at uncertain prizes,  
Still as the Fairs or Markets falls, or riseth.   

Epigram. 10.  
Nan's Husband cares not for the people's chat,  
She brings him profit, and he knows what's what:  
They by their prating show their wit but small,  
He by his gaining shows all wit, Wittol.    
FINIS.