A Kicksey Winsey: OR A Lerry Come-Twang: Wherein john Taylor hath Satirically suited 800 of his bad debtor, that will not pay him for his return of his journey from Scotland. My debtor like 7. eels with slip'rie tails, One sort I cach, 6. slips away and fails. LONDON, Printed by Nicholas Okes, for Matthew Walbanck, dwelling at Gray's Inn Gate. 1619. TO THE WORTHY GENTLEMAN, Master Ralph Wormlaighton; the hopeful Son of his Noble Father, Ralph Wormlaighton Esquire. GRaies Inn Wormlaighton, a true Scholar, right With love and thanks, you paid me at first sight; Your worthy father gave me what was due, And for his love, I give my thanks to you. I. T. TO THE MIRROR OF GOOD-FELLOWSHIP, THE Pattern of true Friendship, and the only nonparallell of jovial Entertainment; Master George Hilton, at the sign of the horse-shoe, at Daintree; john Tailor wisheth daily increase of good Guests, true payment, hearts content in this life, and afterward, as much happiness as his soul can desire. Kind Sir, I have seen oftentimes men offering to snuff acandle, have against their wills put it clean out; and an unskilful Chirurgeon taking a small green wound in hand, hath brought it to an old Ulcer. I would be loath, for my part, to imitate either of these examples; for my intent is, confession of the wrong I did you: & an endeavour to make amends. I do confess that I did you wrong in print, in my book of my Travels, & now in print I do make you a public satisfaction, For, I protest to God, that I have heard so much good report of you, that I am double sorry that I was so mistaken, and that I have been so long time before I have printed my recantation. It was your Tapsters want of wit, and my want of discretion, that was the grounds of my too much credulity and temerity. For his part, I wish him no more harm, but that chalk may be his best payments, Thunder may sour his Hogsheads, Rats may gnaw out his spiggots at midnight, & himself to commit his wit to the keeping of a fool while he lives; And your ostler's, for gaping so greedily like gudgeons upon me, I pray that they may every day mourn in litter and horsdung. But these are but jests by the way, for as many as knows you, have told me, that if you had been at home, my entertainment had been better: if it had been so, it had been more than you owed me; and more than I at that time could have requited: but I would have stretched my wit upon the centres of Invention, in the praise of Inns and innkeepers; I would have put the forgetful world in mind of the good service that Rahab the Innkeeper did at jericho, in hiding and preserving the spies that were sent by Caleb and joshua; I would have made the oblivious loggerheaded Age remember, that the Redeemer of the World did grace an Inn with his blessed birth: What place then but an Inn was the High Court of Heaven and Earth, the residence and lodging of the Immortal King, of never ending Eternity? This and more I would have done, but what is passed cannot be recalled, and it is too late to put old omitting to new Committing. And so my noble and thrice worthy host of hosts, I omit not to commit you and yours to the protection of the Lord of Hosts, desiring you to take this merry Pamphlet in good part, or in earnest of my better amends, and as a qualifier of your just anger. Yours in the best of his endeavours to be commanded, JOHN TAYLOR. The Why and the Wherhfore. I Have published this Pamphlet, to let my rich debtor understand, that as often as I meet them, I do look that they should pay me: and although I am shamefast in not ask my due, yet I would not have them shameless in detaining it from me, because the sums are but small, and very easy for them (in general) to pay, and would do me a particular good to receive Secondly, I have sent this into the world, to inform some, that though their want do shun and avoid my sight and company, that they are much deceived in my disposition; for I ever did esteem an honest heart and a willing mind, as well as their performances. Thirdly, there are some great men, who by reason of their extraordinary employments, my small acquaintance, and less means of access unto them, with my want of impudence, and their men's want of courtesy to inform them; all these are lets, and demurs, against my satisfaction. Lastly, the daily abuses that I have concerning the book of my Travels, wherein I am accused for lies, and falsifications; but I do and ever will steadfastly stand to the truth of every tittle of it, except the abuse that I did to Master Hilton at Daintree; & that was not done on known malice neither, but on blind ignorant information: and there is a second Edition of my books of Travels coming forth, wherein I will Satyrize, Cauterize, and Stigmatize all the whole kennel of curs that dares maliciously snarl against manifest, apparent, and well known truths. In the mean space, you that are my debtor, if you please to pay me, you shall therein put yourselves out of a bad number amongst which you yet are placed: if you will not pay me, take this bone to gnaw upon, That I do hope to be ever better furnished with money, than you shall be with honesty. I. T. A Table of the general heads, containing seven parts. 1 THose that have paid. 2 Those that would pay if they could. 3 Those that walk invisible, and are not to be found. 4 Those that say they will pay, who knows when. 5 Those that are dead. 6 Those that are fled. 7 Those Roarers that can pay, and will not. Those that do ever mean to pay, Nothing at all this book doth say: To such my Satire talketh still, As have not paid, nor never will. A Kicksey Winsey: OR A Lerry Come-Twang: Wherein john Taylor hath Satirically suited 800. of his bad debtor, that will not pay him for his return of his journey from Scotland. 1. My thanks to those that have paid. YOur worthy Worthies, of that liberal Tribe, Who freely gave your words, or did subscribe: And were not iched with the vainglorious worm, To write and lie, but promise and perform, Black Swans of Britain, I protest you arr, And seem (to me) each one a Blazing Star; For this inconstant Age so few affords Of men whose deeds do counterpoise their words, That finding one, me thinks I see a wonder, More than December's fruit, or Winter's Thunder. Ingratitude, I hold a vice so vile, That I could ne'er endure't a breathing while, And therefore, ere I'll prove a thankless jade, Time in his course shall run quite retrograde; Yea, every thing shall hate his proper kind, Before I'll harbour an ingrateful mind: And still I vow to quit you in some part, With my best wishes, and a thankful heart: So much to you, my Muse hath sung, or said Whose loving bounties hath the Sculler paid. 2. Those that would pay if they could. ANd as for you that would pay, if you could, I thank you, though you do not as you should, You promised fair, and wrote as free as any, But Time hath altered since, the case with many; Your monies, like low Tides, are ebbed too low, And when 'tis lowest, 'twill begin to flow. To seek a breech from breechlesse men, 'twere vain, And fruitless labour would requi●e my pain: It were no Charity (as I suppose) To bid one wipe his nose, that wants a nose, And sure my Conscience would be less than little, T'enrich myself, by robbing of the spital, No, honest friends (to end this vain dispute) Your barren states may spring, & bring forth fruit, Your wills are good, and whilst I keep your bills In stead of payment I accept good wills; On hope and expectation I will feed, And take your good endeavours for the deed, Praying that Crosses in your minds may cease, And Crosses in your purses may increase. 3. Those that are hard for me to find, and being found, were better lost. ANother sort of debtor are behind, Some I know not, and some I cannot find: And some of them lies here and there, by spirits Shifting their lodgings oftener than their shirts. Perchance I hear where one of these men lies, And in the morning up betimes I rise, And find in Shoreditch where he lodged a night; But he to Westminster hath ta'en his flight. Some two days after thither do I troth, And find his lodging, but yet find him not, For he the night before (as people tell) Hath ta'en a Chamber about Clarken well. Thither go I, and make a privy search, Whilst he's in Southwark, near S. George his Church, A pox upon him, all this while think I, Shall I ne'er find out where my youth doth lie? And having sought him many a weary bout, At last perhaps I find his Chamber out: But then the Gentleman is fast in bed, And rest hath seized upon his running head; He hath took cold with going late by Water, Or sat up late at Ace, Deuse, Trey, and Cater, That with a Sink of 50. pieces price, He sleeps till noon before his Worship rise. At last he wakes; his man informs him strait, That I at door do on his pleasure wait; Perhaps I am requested to come near And drink a cup of either ale or beer, Whilst sucking English fire, and Indian vapour, At last I greet him with my bill of paper: Well john (quoth he) this hand I know is mine, But I this day do purpose to go dine At the Half Moon in Milk-street, prithee come, And there we'll drink, and pay this petty Somme. Thus many a street by me recrost, and crossed I in and out, and to, and fro, am tossed. And spend my time and coin to find one out, Which having found, rewards me with a slout. In this base fashion, or such like as this, To me their scurvy daily dealings is: As on's in's study, t'others deep in talk, Another's in his Garden gone to walk; On's in the barber's suds, and cannot see, Till chin and chaps are made a Roman T. And for his making thus a Gull of of me, I wish his cut may be the Greacian P. These men can kiss their claws, with jack how is't, And take and shake me kindly by the fist, And put me off, with dilatory Clogs, And swear and lie, worse than so many dogs, Protesting they are glad I am returned, When they'd be gladder I were hanged or burned. Some of their pockets are oft stored with chink, Which they had rather waste on Drabs, Dice, Drink, Then a small petty sum to me to pay, Although I meet them every other day; For which to case my mind, to their disgrace, I must (perforce) in Print proclaim them base: And if they pay me not (unto their shames) I'll print their trades, their dwellings▪ & their names, That boys shall hiss them as they walk along, Whilst they shall stink, & do their breeches wrong: Pay then, delay not, but with speed disburse, Or if you will, try but who'll have the worse. 4. Those that will and do daily pay me in drink and smoke. A Fourth crew I must drop from out my quill, Are some that have not paid, yet say they will: And their remembrance gives my muddy mood, More joy than of those that will ne'er be good. These fellows my sharp Muso shall lash but soft, Because I meet them to their charges oft, Where at the Tavern (with free frolic hearts) They welcome me with pottles, pints, and quarts; And they (at times) will spend like honest men, Twelve shillings, rather than pay five or ten. These I do never seek from place to place, These make me not to run the wild-goose chase; These do from day to day not put me off, And in the end reward me with a scoff. And for their kindness, let them take their leisure, To pay or not pay, let them use their pleasure. Let them no worse than they are, still prove Their powers may chance outdo me, not their love; I meet them to my peril, and their cost, And so in time there's little will be lost. Yet the old proverb I would have them know, The horse may starve the whilst the grass doth grow. 5. Those that are dead. A fifth sort (God be with them) they are dead, And every one my quittance under's head: To ask them coin, I know they have it not, And where nought is, there's nothing to be got. I'll never wrong them with invective lines, Nor trouble their good heirs, or their assigns. And some of them, their lives loss to me were In a large measure of true sorrow dear; As one brave Lawyer, whose true honest spirit Doth with the blessed celestial souls inherit. He whose grave wisdom gained pre-eminence To grace and favour with his gracious Prince; Adorned with learning, loved, approved, admir'de, He, my true friend, too soon to dust retir'de. Besides, a number of my worthy friends (To my great loss) death brought unto their ends. Rest gentle spirits, rest, with Eternising, And may your corpses have all a joyful rising: There's many living, every day I see, Who are more dead than you in pay to me. 6. Those that are fled. A sixth, with tongues glib, like the tails of eels, Hath show'd this land & me foul pairs of heels To Ireland, Belgia, Germany and France, They are retir'de to seek some better chance. 'Twas their unhappy inauspicious Fate, The Counters, or King Luds unlucky Gate; Bonds being broke, the stones in every street, They durst not tread on, lest they burned their feet: Smoke by the pipe, and ginger by the race, They loved with ale, but never loved the Mace. And these men's honesties are like their states, At piteous, woeful, and at low prized rates; For partly they did know when they did take My Books, they could no satisfaction make. And honesty this document doth teach That man shall never strive above his reach, Yet have they reached, and overreacht me still, To do themselves no good, and me much ill. But farewell friends, if you again do come, And pay me either all, or none, or some: I look for none, and therefore still delay me, You only do deceive me if you pay me. Yet that deceit from you, were but my due; But I look ne'er to be deceived by you. Your stocks are poor, your Creditors are store, Which God increase, and decrease, I implore. 7. Those that are as far from honesty as a Turk is from true Religion. Seventhly, and lasts a worthy worthless crew, Such as heaven hates, & hell on earth doth spew; And God renounce, & damn them, are their prayers, Yet some of these sweet youths are good men's heirs: But up most tenderly they have been brought And all their breeding, better fed then taught: And now their lives float in damnation's stream, To Stab, drab, kill, swil, tear, swear, stare, blaspheme: In imitation worse than devils apes, Or Incubuses thrust in human shapes: As bladders full of others wind is blown, So self conceit doth puff them them of their own: They deem their wit all other men surpasses, And other men esteem them witless asses. These puckfoyst Cockbrained coxcombs, shallow pated, Are things that by their tailors are created; For they before were simple shapeless worms, Until their makers licked them into forms. 'tis ignorant Idolatry most base, To worship Satin Satan, or gold lace; T'adore a velvet varlet, whose repute Stinks odious, but for his perfumed suit. If one of these to serve some Lord doth get, His first task is, to swear himself in debt: And having pawned his soul to Hell for oaths, He pawns those oaths for new-found fashion clothes. His carcase cased in this borrowed case, Imagines he doth me exceeding grace; If when I meet him, he bestows a nod, Then must I think me highly blest of God. And though no wiser than a fool he be, A good luck on him, he's too wise for me; He with a courtly trick, or a flim flam, Doth nod at me, whilst I the noddy am: One part of Gentry he will ne'er forget, And that is, that he ne'er will pay his debt. To take, and to receive, they hold it fit, But to requite, or to restore's, no wit. Then let them take and keep, but knocks, and pox, And all diseases from Pandora's box. And which of them says that I rave or rail, Let him but pay, and bid me kiss his T. But sure the Devil hath taught them many a trick, Beyond the numbering of Arithmetic. I meet one, thinking for my due to speak, He with cuasions doth my purpose break, And asks what news I hear from France or Spain, Or where I was in the last shower of rain; Or when the Court removes, or what's a clock, Or where's the wind (or some such windy mock) With such fine scimble seemble, spitter spatter, As puts me clean besides the money matter. Thus with poor apparel shifts, with what, where, when, I am abused by these things, like men. And some of them do glory in my want, They being Romists, I a Protestant: Their Apostatical Injunctions saith, To keep their faith with me, is breach of faith: For 'tis a Maximm of such Catholics, 'tis Meritorious to plague Heretics; Since it is so, pray pay me but my due, And I will love the Cross as well as you. And this much further I would have you know, My shame is more to ask, than yours to owe: I beg of no man, 'tis mine own I crave, Nor do I seek it but of them that have: There's no man was enforced against his will, To give his word, or sign unto my bill. And is't not shame, nay more than shame to hear, That I should be returned above a year, And many Rich men, words, and bills have past, And took of me both books, both first and last: Whilst twice or thrice a week, in every street, I meet those men, and not my money meet. Were they not able me amends to make, My conscience then, would sooner give then take; But most of those I mean, are full pursed hinds, Being beggarly in nothing but their minds: Yet sure me thinks, if they would do me right, Their minds should be as free to pay, as write. Near threescore pounds, the books I'm sure did cost, Which they have had from me, and I think lost: And had not these men's tongues so forward been, Ere I my painful journey did begin, I could have had good men in meaner Raiment, That long ere this, had made me better payment: I made my journey for no other ends, But to get money, and to try my friends: And not a friend I had, for worth, or wit Did take my book, or past his word, or writ: But I (with thankfulness) still understood They took, in hope to give, and do me good. They took a book worth 12. pence, & were bound To give a Crown, an Angel, or a pound. A Noble piece, or half piece, what they list, They past their words, or freely set their fist. Thus got I sixteen hundred hands and fifty, Which sum I did suppose was somewhat thirsty; And now my youths, with shifts, & tricks & cavils, Above eight hundred, plays the sharking javils. I have performed what I undertook, And that they should keep touch with me I look: Four thousand, and five hundred books I gave To many an honest man, and many a knave; Which books, and my expense to give them out, (A long year seeking this confused rout) I'm, sure it cost me sevenscore pounds and more, With some suspicion that I went on score. Besides, above a thousand miles I went, And (though no money) yet much time I spent; Taking excessive labour, and great pains, In heat, cold, wet, and dry, with feet and brains: With tedious toil, making my heart strings ache, In hope I should content, both give and take▪ And in requital now, for all my pain, I give content still, and get none again. None did I say? I'll call that word again, I meet with some that pay me now, and then, But such a toil I have those men to seek, And find (perhaps) 2, 3, or 4 a week, That too too oft, my losing gettings be, To spend 5. crowns in gathering in of three. And thus much to the world I dare avow, That my oft walks to get my money now, With my expenses, seeking of the same, Returning many a night, home tired and lame, Meeting some thirty, forty in a day, That sees me, knows me, owes me, yet none pay. Used and abused thus, both in town and Court, It makes me think my Scottish walk a sport: I muse of what stuff these men framed be, Most of them seem Muckado unto me: Some are Standfurther off, for they endeaver, Never to see me or to pay me never. When first I saw them, they appeared Rash, And now their promises are worse than trash; No Taffeta more changeable than they, In nothing constant, but no debts to pay. And therefore let them take it as they will, I'll canvas them a little with my quill. To all the world I humbly do appeal, And let it judge, if well these men do deal, Or whether for their baseness, 'twere not fitter, That I should use more gall, and write more bitter? Indeed I wrote this for this only end, To warn them, and their faults to reprehend; But if this warning will not serve the turn, I swear by sweet satyric Nash his urn, On every pissing post, their names I'll place, Whilst they past shame, shall shame to show their face, I'll hale fell Nemesis, from This his den, To aid and guide my sharp revenging pen; That fifty Pope's Bulls never shall roar louder, Nor fourscore Cannons, when men fire their powder. There's no wound deeper than a pen can give, It makes men living dead, and dead men live; It can raise honour drowned in the sea, And blaze it forth in glory, Cap a pea; Why it can scale the battlements of heaven, And stellify men amongst the Planets seven: It can make Miser's, peasants, knaves and fools The scorn of goodness, and the devils close stools. Forgot had been the thrice three worthies names, If thrice three Muses, had not writ their fames. And if it not with flattery be infected, Good is by it extolled, and bade corrected. Let judgement judge them, what mad men are those, That dare against a pen themselves oppose, Which (when it likes) can turn them all to loathing. To any thing, to nothing, worse than nothing. Yet ere I went, these men to write did like, And used a pen more nimbly than a pike; And writ their names (as I supposed) more willing, Then valiant Soldiers with their Pikes are drilling. No paper bill of mine had edge upon it, Till they their hands and names had written on it; And if their judgements be not overseen, They would not fear, the edge is not so keen. Some thousands, and some hundreds by the year Are worth, yet they their piece or half piece fear; They on their own bills are afraid to enter, And I upon their pieces dare to venture: But who so at the bill hath better skill, Give me the piece, and let him take the bill. I have met some that odiously have lied, Who to deceive me, have their names denied; And yet they have good honest Christian names, As joshua, Richard, Robert, john and james: To cheat me with base Inhumanity, They have denied their Christianity, A half piece, or a Crown, or such a somme, Hath forced them falsify their Christendom: Denying good, ill names with them agree, And they that have ill names half hanged be, And sure I think my loss would be but small, If for a quittance they were hanged up all. Of such I am past hope, and they past grace, And hope and grace both pas●s, a wretched case. It may be that for my offences past, God hath upon me this disturbance cast: If it be so, I thank his Name therefore, Confessing I deserve ten times much more; But as the Devil is author of all ill, So ill for ill, on th'ill, he worketh still; Himself, his servants, daily lie and lurk Man's cares on earth, or pains in hell to work. See how the case then with my debtor stands, They take the devils office out on's hands; Tormenting me on earth, for passed evils, And for the devil, doth vex me worse than devils. In troth 'tis pity, proper men they seem, And those that know them not, would never deem That one of them would basely seem to meddle, To be the devils hangman or his beadle. For shame, for honesty, for both, for either, For my deserts desertless, or for neither Discharge yourselves from me, you know wherefore, And never serve, or help the Devil more. I have heard some that Lawyers do condemn, But I still must, and will speak well of them; Though never in my life, they had of me Clerks, Counsellors, or yet attorneys fee, Yet at my back return, they all concurred And paid me what was due, and ne'er demurred. Some Counter sergeant, when I came again, (Against their natures) dealt like honest men. By wondrous accident perchance one may Grope out a needle in a load of hay: And though a white crow be exceeding rare, A blind man may (by fortune) catch a Hare, So may a sergeant have some honest tricks If too much knavery doth not over-mix. Newgate (the University of stealing) Did deal with me with upright honest dealing. My debtor all (for aught that I can see) Will still remain true debtor unto me; For if to paying once they should incline, They would not then be debtor long of mine, But this report I fear, they still will have, To be true debtor even to their grave. I know there's many worthy projects done, The which more credit, and more coin hath won, And 'tis a shame for those (I dare maintain) That break their words, & not requite their pain: I speak to such, if any such their be, If there be none, would there were none for me. Thus all my debtor have increased my tallant, Except the poor, the proud, the base, the Gallant. Those that are dead, or fled, or out of Town: Such as I know not, nor to them am known, Those that will pay (of which there's some small number, And those that smile to put me to this cumber, In all they are eight hundred, and some odd, But when they'll pay me's only known to God. Some crowns, some pounds, sun nobles, some a royal; Some good, some nought, some worse, most bad in trial. ay, like a boy, that shooting with a bow, Hath lost his shaft where weeds and bushes grow; Who having searched, and raked, and scraped, & tossed To find his arrow that he late hath lost: At last a crotchet comes into his brain, To stand at his first shooting place again; Then shoots, and lets another arrow fly Near as he thinks his other shaft may lie: Thus venturing, he perhaps finds both or one, The worst is, if he lose both, he finds none. So I that have of books so many given, To this compared Exigent am driven: To shoot this Pamphlet, and to ease my mind, To lose more yet, or something lost to find. As many brooks, fords, showers of rain, & springs Unto the Thames their often tribute brings, These subjects paying, not their stocks decrease, Yet by those payments, Thames doth still increase: So I that have of debtor such a swarm, Good they might do me, and themselves no harm, invective lines, or words, I write not say To none but those that can, and will not pay: And who so pays with good, or with ill will, Is freed from out the compass of my quill. They must not take me for a Stupid ass, That I (unfeeling) will let these things pass. If they bear minds to wrong me, let them know I have a tongue and 〈◊〉 my wrongs to show; And be he ne'er, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, or neat, or trim, That bids a pissi for me, a 〈◊〉 for him; To me they ' are rotten trees, with beauteous rhinds Fair form caskets of deformed minds. Or like dispersed flocks of scattered sheep, That will no pasture, or decorum keep: Some wildly skipping into unknown grounds, Stray into foreign and forbidden bounds, Where some through want, some through excess have got The scab, the worm, the murrain, or the rot. But whilst they wander guideless, uncontrolled, I'll do my best to bring them to my fold; And seeing sheepfold hurdles here are scant, I am enforced to supply that want With railing; and therefore mine own to win, Like rotten forlorn sheep, I'll rail them in. FINIS. LONDON: Printed by Nicholas Okes, for Matthew Walbanck, dwelling at Gray's Inn Gate. 1619.