To his friend john Taylor, the ingenious Poeta Aquaticus, and the Author of this most wholesome following Black-mouthed biting Satire. NOr speech nor silence now a days protects Men from the Critics Bolt, he spies defect●… (At least pretends so) in the thought of man As well as in his actions; shall I than That have a freeborn spirit balk the way, Because a Dog barks, or an Ass doth bray? Or cause some rash fool, such an one as he That late reviled the Prince of Poetry Shall rip up thy beginning, and shall rail And find exceptions out (Sans head or tail) Shall this I say deter me from bestowing An approbation where 'tis justly owing? No, I have read thy Fancies, and desir●… Whilst others censure thee, I may admire How the Castalian Flood should swell so high To drench thy Skull, and raise thy Poesy To such a pitch; while many a Learned brain Spoke only prose, short of thy weakest strain: Mean while thy Books and these salute ●…hee, all Thy friends here do the like in general: And this thy harmless and just Satire shall Make thee and it; be loved in general. W. Gainsford Allandro pasqueto Mallatrumpa entantrino liuroe. Il vento Chioli, Mauritambull Tella fulg●…e, Antro della campo il Danto Cordi sublima Pantatbos, stremo standina eschine vandri Bene in shendo, tercia penthe dissadi. M●…crops, Sans fida vocifera Randa Bavinea, Allatendrea quanto, Eltrada Pizmin●… venta, Mega Pollimunton, Theorba quasie quicunque Triptolina Typhoon, Quabacondono sapho. Terra trag●…us sophy, sunt di●…calcitheo Geata. A vostre Obserdandi Zhean De FA vostre Obserdandi Zhean De Fistye cankie De sallamanca Andalowsia. Or thus you may English it, in the transcending praise of the Author, and his following Book. Till Phoebus' blustering blasts shall cease to blow, And Aeolus shall hide his radiant Rays, Till Vulcan's Forge be framed of Scythian Snow, And Neptune like a Shepherd spend his days; When Satuane shall sell Mouse-trapps, and allow Mars to sing Madrigals, and Round-delayes: Then shall thy Book and thee be out of Date, And scorn the fu●…ry of consuming Fate. To your Worthiness in all Observance Devoted john Defistie Cankie of Sallamanca in Andalusia. A most Horrible, Terrible, Tolerable, Termagant Satire: Most fresh and newly made, and pressed in Print, And if it be not liked, the Devils in't. 1 Satire. The Proud man. WHat in the World doth true contentment give, That Man should have desire therein to live? Yet is it not so full of sinful stains, But he doth make it worse that most complains. Pride doth for Hamans' Honour madly hope, But never minds his Ladder, or his Rope; So Elephants are mighty Beasts, but when They fall can hardly ever rise again: And 'tis a sign that honour is extorted, And basely got that is with pride supported. That cannot mount men to eternal Bliss, Which cast the Angels thence to Hell's Abyss: It is a Fabric that on Sand is builded, A feigned glory with damnation guilded. Ambition deems the world not transitory, And Flattery blows the Bladders of Vainglory, Which makes th'ambitious swim to honour's brink; Until Time pricks their Bladders; then they sink. By fools he may be valued at high rate, A Bugbear, or a Scarecrow in a State, A Mountebank of Honour, or a Thing, That may in Posthaste to Promotion spring: And may with whimsies milch a Commonwealth And purchase, by his Universal stealth, God's curse and man's, and more; he may do this Be way of Change, or Metamorphosis; (need, Turn men to Silkworms, forcing them through From out their bowels spin his gaudy weed. Consider this thou new made Mushroom man, Thy Life's a Blast, a Bubble, and a Span; And thou with all thy Gorgeous trappings gay, Art but a Mouldering lump of guilded Clay. Thy outside may be Rich, thy inside poor, (door Worse than the wretch that begs from door to What though thy Coat be richer Stuff than mine? And that thy Linen be more pure and fine? Or that thy Periwig be sweetly scented, Most neatly Keamed, slicked, curled and indented? What though I be nine days behind the fashio●… Or that my Breech be of the old Translation? Not to be drawn on with a shooing-horn As Quail-pipe Breeches are, and wise men scorn What though with points I am not Trust below My small unto my ankle? (Oh rare show) What though that I observant be to thee, And stand before thee bare, with bended Knee? Will my Hat off, cause thy head cease to ache? Or my Leg make the Gout thy Limbs forsake? Or doth not my poor duty puff thee higher, And swell thy too much hateful Pride t'aspire? Then is my manners quite misplaced, for I Have no mind to commit Idolatry; Unto a thing that's out of Relics made From Drapers, Mercers, and the Silkman's Trade I'll bend no Knee, nor shall my Bonnet Wag, To Velvet Remnant, or a piece of Shag; A Plush Plus ultra man in scorn and pride, Such joys, such Popping-joyes my Lines deride: His Tailor made, and shaped, and trimmed, & tricked him And (like a young Bear) into fashion licked him: He put his Corpse insuite, and brave Array, And after puts his Bill in 〈◊〉 for pay, Such Things as thos●… Nor will I give For though man Of all the trea●… ●…t hath he not these gifts to man allowed, ●…at he should be thereby ambititus, proud. ●…ere must be neat distinctions of Superiors 〈◊〉 Habits; to be known from their inferiors: ●…t he's a Cinnick, and a stupid Stoic ●…at will not Reverence such as are Heroic; ●…odnesse with Greatness, Merits, Dignity ●…ost gracious gifts of Heaven's Benignity) ●…r Honours due, where Honour doth belong; ●…d those that yield it not their souls do wrong. ●…d gorgeous Garments may be justly worn, ●…t yet not lined with pride, contempt, and scorn. ●…od doth hate Pride, the gate of Heaven is low, ●…nd all that enter there must humbly Bow. ●…alew no man for that which he doth wear, ●…or value any man for what they were: ●…is inside being good, I care not which, ●…hether his outside be or poor or Rich; ●…or Tarquin 'twas unkingly, most unfit ●…or him a Rape on Lucrece to commit; ●…et though the fault were foul, 'tis understood ●…was done by lustful youth, and heat of blood: ●…o doubt, but Tarquin (in those Heathen Times) 〈◊〉 th●…t fact 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 other crimes; , ; to Riot, ; But all these Vices were not in him seen, They seemed in him as if they had not been: For they (like Vermin) all did hide and shrow●… In th'odious Title of Tarquin the Proud. Thus though man's Life to sundry sins is thrall, Pride's gaudy Ca●…opy doth hide them all. 2. Satire. The Avaricious or Covetous Man, and Projector. WHat Title best befits that cursed Wretch, That daily makes his Chevril Conscienc●… stretch, His muck unto his Neighbour's muck to join, And be a Bawd to his engendering Coin; Whose soul to damned Avarice is sold, And (like an Atheist) knows no God (but Gold) And pale-faced Silver is his Goddess pure, To gain whom, he all slavery will endure; Do any villainy with hand or Brain, (Provided that the end of it be gain) Live like a Rascal, beggarly and bare, Lie down in sorrow, and rise up in care; Rake, and rack Tenants to the very Bones, Respecting neither Tears, or sighs, or m●…anes; And keep 〈◊〉 House (as Hunger-starved as Hell) ●…ith whom the Mice and Rats disdain to dwell; ●…hose Christmas Dinner (in a Pipkin dressed) ●…e counts a costly and Voluptuous Feast. ●…t let him be invited once abroad, ●…he tiranizing Wolf will lay on load 〈◊〉 if he never in his life did eat; ●…r that he never after should see meat: ●…us often his ung●…ily Guts are crammed, ●…ot at his own charge, he will first be dammned; ●…hus Beggared in his m●…d insatiate ●…e looks on ●…idas State, forgets his Fate; ●…e will not wear the Ass' Ears in vain, ●…e once (perhaps) may wear a golden Chain: ●…r if not so, he●…le serape what wealth he can ●…o make his Lack-wit Son a Gentleman, ●…or whom (more Mad than any man of Goatham) ●…ee'le dive to Tagus Sands, or Hell's vast bottom? ●…ll that he doth possess he counts it none, ●…is Neighbours State he daily dotes upon; ●…midst his Mass of Riches he's not rich, ●…is achan's Wedge that doth his soul bewitch: ●…hus like a Fiend of Hell he neither cares For Orphans injuries, or Widow's tears; His ears are deafened to their lamentations, His Coffers filled with Coin and execrations; Himself grows old and Gouty, Rheumatic, Most loathsome Coughing, Wayward, Choleric, Noisome to all, and stinks above the ground, Despised and slighted like a mangy Hound. His Wife, his Children, Kin, and Family All look upon him most disdainfully; (rat He coughs, spits, spawles, and in the throat do●… And death and him are in a mortal Battle: His people pity him, and altogether They wish him dead & gone, they care not whith●… He would say somewhat but he cannot speak, He fumbles with the Sheets, his Eyestrings brea●… Within his mouth he mumbles, champs & chaw●… These 12. next following lines shall show the ca●… A Mole's a Mole, whose food is only Mould, 〈◊〉 And best of mould is but refined gold: God Mammon is of such high Eminence, It makes man love Dame Tellus Excrements, 'Tis vice's glory, Virtue's Laughing stock, The Miser's honour, and true Bounties mock; And he that lives a slave, and dies a Knave, Is most unworthy of a Christian Grave. He hides his wealth, and at his dying day, He in his Dying chops doth hide the Key; And in those hidings he is quite bereaven Of Keys and Locks, and entrance into Heaven. He dies and stinks, and every one is glad, (Although for fashion sake some must seem sad:) He must be buried, and a Banquet spent, Which if he knew it would his mind torment; ●…e in his life ne'er kept a Festival, ●…nd grieves to have one at his Funeral. ●…or ought I know, his Son the head hangs down, ●…A merry living for a mourning Gown) ●…hen in the Grave the fragile Corpse are put ●…here, till the Resurrection closely shut; ●…nd on his Monumental stone, or Tomb, ●…is good Deeds are Insculpt in little room. Epi●…ph. ●…ere lies a wight interred beneath this Stone, ●…ho w●…s of Age near fourscore years and one●… ●…e with all hidden virtues was possessed, And kept them; for he few or none expressed: ●…n all the time which he did here survive, His holy care was to live long, and thrive; At last Death struck him down, and laid him flat, He died, and gave ●…he poor no man knows what. ●…he Funeral tears are quickly dried and done, And now behold his long Eclipsed Son, From th'obscure Clouds of baseness rushing forth, To show his Father left him something worth; He lets those Angels fly to sight external, His Dad had long kept dark, like Fiends infernal; He roars, and Revels, drabs, & drinks and Dices, Wears and sees fashions, & most strange devices; Marries at last into a Stock of State, Maintains her, as befits a Lady's Rate And more; because her joys shall full be Crown He buys a Knighthood of five hundred pound: Her Ladyship will quickly have a care To be as proud as other Ladies are; For though of wealth they have the Devil and 〈◊〉 Her pride shall make their Charity so small That she will make her Knight to scrape and gathe●… And keep a base House like the slave his Father; That e'er a year or two be gone and passed, A man may sooner break his Neck than's fast. And as the Ocean's bounds are largely bounded, So Avarice, is measureless unsounded; The Sea hath many branches, that do keep Their Tributary course unto the Deep; As fountains, springs, brooks, make mighty River●… Those Rivers all into the Sea delivers All these disbursments: yet for all the store Th'insatiate Ocean hath no jot the more: So Avarice, though it be still supplied With aids, or helps, like a perpetual Tide It swallows all, and yet, it's Dropsy thirst Is as unquenchable as 'twas at first. And now (most pertinent) I will express Th'attendance that do wait on Covetousness. Mistake me not, 'tis not my aim or drift T'enveigh against honest gain, or Lawful thrift; Inhuman Lucre, Spawn of Avarice, Which wretched men esteem at so high price; ●…at they (above all virtues) seek and choose it, ●…d will lose Heaven itself before they'll lose it. ●…ucre is cruel, in an Anagram Which doth express the Nature of the same; 〈◊〉 there be any thing more cruel, then ●…or greedy Lucre, men should Murder men? Wolves in their Kind amongst themselves agree, ●…or Lucre men each others Bane will be. ●…here are a swarm of, old Gehezies' Tribe, ●…hat for the love of Lucre love a Bribe: ●…wish that they and their posterity, ●…light likewise have Gehezies' Leprosy: ●…ites stoop to Carrion, Beasts to grass & Herbage ●…o will these Mongrels do to golden Garbage. A Bribe may spin a Suit in Law, so long That he whose cause was right, may have the wrong. A Bribe may have that force and powerfulness, To make the greater Thiefs hang up the less: A Bribe, the Scales of Justice oft hath swayed, And made a Whore pass currant for a Maid. My Satire might an endless Journey run, To search what villainy Bribes hath not done: What mischief still it doth, and more would do, But that the eye of Justice looks thereto; Yet many times and oft, I hear it said, That Justice long ago to Heaven is fled: And that by her, our faults cannot be seen, So many Clouds are interposed between: But I would have all vain surmisers know True Justice sees, and notes what's done below. No Bribe, that Court of Conscience tolerates, Nor no Bribetaker enters in those Gates. There comes no Lawyer thither that plays booty, th'oppressors soul's kept out, all smutched & sooty. The feared, the flawed, corrupt galled conscience, Are all eternally exiled from thence. But as all Trees are Wood, yet every Tree Is not to burn; some fit for buildings be, For Fruit or Physic some, and some for shade, For diverse uses diversely are made: Yet mens opinion all in this agrees, That they are all in general called Trees. I have heard Brooms called Beesoms, and I have Herd honest Titles put upon a Knave: Yeast is called Barm, or Ryfing, but 'tis known That Barm, and Yeast, and Ryfing all are one. Even so a Bribe, though it can make a shift To turn the Name unto a friendly gift, A kind Remembrance, or a Courtesy, A Fee, a Present, or Gratuity; A Thanks, or a Reward, or what you will, Yet 'tis a Bribe, if given or taken ill. The sundry Names cannot the Nature alter, The name of Rope's oft put upon the Halter; Yet he's a Block, a senseless Stock or Stone, That thinks for naught to have his business done; He may as well expect meat, drink, & clothing; House-rent and Land: & all things else for nothing. If I will have my Lawyer plead for me, 'Tis just that he from me should have his Fee; For be I either Plaintiff, or Defendant; And that my cause is difficult, dependant; If my good Lawyer do with pains and cares, Free me from out the Laws entangled Snares, That he, or any other whomsoever Shall do me good, or use their best endeavour, I would requite them any way I could; And such requitals for no Bribes I hold. 'Tis being forced to give, or to subscribe Before the business done, that makes a Bribe; But he that for a good turn is ingrateful, I wish him live accursed; and die most hateful. Thus Bribery is a Member of great price, And chief supporter unto Avarice. The Highway Thief that robs by day or night, Doth Covet that which is not his by right. The filching Rogue (as every where 'tis known) Doth Pilfering covet, what is not his own; The Gamesters that play deeply, soon or late, Are covetous to win each others state. The perjured Slave is courteous, for he Will pawn his Ears unto the Pillory; And purposely (another's goods to gain) Hazard his soul to everlasting pain. The Cheater, Pickpocket, and Cutpurse Knave, Are covetous another's Coin to have; Nick Froth the Tapster with his curtal Can Most courteous courteous Cheats every man, False Weights or measures, be they great or small Are Avarices' Slaves, and Servants all. Mounsieur Projector Monopollitan A Well composed, ill disposed Gentleman; That for his good deservings, night and day Is prayed for oft, (the clean contrary way) The Sea of Avarice is his main Ocean (motion, Through which he swims, and struggles for Pro- Which being long in gaining soon is lost, Upon the waves of Envy heaved and tossed. The winds of sighs and curses raise a storm, (And in the conscience lies a gnawing Worm) That hurls him too and fro, from place to place; (That he can scarcely at his meat say Grace) He splits upon the Rock of scorn and spite, And just disgraces Quicksands sink him quite. Thus have I showed that covetousness is The very Root of all that is amiss; All men, (as men) are subject to offending, My Satire bites such, as are quite past mending. May not that man be justly called a fool That thinks to make good March-pan of a stool, Or of a Sow's ear frame a Velvet purse, Or of a She-Beare make a good meltch Nurse, Drink Aquofortis, and sustain no harm, Or take the Town of Dunkirk with a Charm: The way to do all these I'll sooner find, Then satisfy an Avaricious mind; A hungry jade the World can never fill, Still feeds, still leaves, still empty, hungry still; And so I wish all men away to beat him, Or knock his brains quite out & let dogs eat him: But he that willingly will entertain him, I wish an old house may fall down and brain him. 3. Satire. The bragging Rogue. ANother Coxcomb boasts of excellent parts, How he hath practised Arms, & studied Arts; His Travels to write down would Volumes fill, Beyond our famous Sir John Mandivill: And to his reputation 'twere a blot, To put him in the rank of Don Quixot. He passed the Zones, Phrygia, and Torrida, Surveyed the South World, called Incognita, And there he saw Great Gorgon's empty Scull So big, four Bushels scarce could fill it full. At Stamboloya, (a most stately Port,) Where the Emperor great Robombo keeps his Court: There in a Shamaranguah, (which we call A Chapel) was a building round and tall, Where as the huge Gargantuas' corpse were laid, The-Tombe is full a Furlongs length 'tis said; Built of a polished stone like Crimson jet, (Surpassing far the Tomb of Mahomet) Enchased with precious Stones that dims the sight That none can look on't, it doth shine so bright. From thence he passed the straits of Magellan, And feasted was by mighty Pouhatan, Where amongst a world of dainties to be brief, A Phoenix stewed in white-broth was the chief. Tut, it will tyre a man to hear him half He hath seen Miloes' Bull, and Walthams' Calf; The Monmouth Cap of famous Owen Glendor, And three eye teeth of th' ancient witch of Endor: Ischartots Lantern, at Saint Dennisis, Th' Ephesian Diana, at the Lowre is: The Amphitheatre that's at Ulismos, The Pirramids of Egypt, or the Isthmos That parts Utopia from fair Thessaly, Or lofty Atlas that doth prop the sky. If all be true he says, we may him call The God of Wars Lieutenant General: No Turk, or Tartar, Moor, or Myrmidon Such valiant exploits hath under-gone: He learned Wars Hornbook first, & did not stint But past his Grammar Rules was perfect in't; He first began with training, Mustering, Drilling, Before he came to fight, or to killing; To March, to put his men in Files, and Ranks, To order a Battalions, wings, or Flanks, To lead the Vanguard, or bring up the Rear, To be here, there, (and almost every where) To guide and manage men, and make them stout, Double your Ranks and Files, faces about: He served the Turk nine years, a Renegado, Where oftentimes he felt the Bastinado; And though he wore a Coat of Bare-freezado, Yet there he learned the Art of a Soldado, 'T'affront an Enemy with a Brav●…ado, To make a Battery, and to use Sealado; To use Petards, Engines, Wildfire, Granado, ' Tintrappe the Foe by secret Ambuscado; To Raise, Mount, Parapet, or Camisado, To make a strength more strong with Canvasado; With his good Sword to use the Imbrocado; The Punto, the Roverso, the Stockado: And for Land Service, or the Sea Armado, He knows a roll of Match from Trividado. His Music, drums, Guns, Cannons, thundering roar, As if the Welkin were in tartars tore; The Harquebuz and Muskets go pit pat, Towers, Castles, Forts, and Ciradells laid flat; Mines, Countermines, Assaults, Repulses, Sallies, Whilst Horse and men shine strew the Field●… and Battalias, batteries, breaches, armies, arms, (valleys Broils, Garboy les, hot encounters, fierce Allarm●…: Fortifications, Camps, Redoubts, and Trenches, Va●…dres, and Counter-mutes, walls, sconces, fences, On-set●… and Onslaughts he hath been upon, He blow up Tauris, conquered Babylon: He stood Pordu●… beneath the frozen Zone Turned to a man of Ice, or Crystal Stone. The same day Mars his valour did inspire And thawed him brave, with Sulphur, smoke, & fire. He in the Battle seemed a man all flame, In smould ring Powder, he that day o'er came The Tartar Chrim, and near to Samere and, He with Mackougly Shangh, fought hand to hand. The Leaguers, and the Sieges he hath seen, The dread full dangers where he oft hath been; He hath danced Antiques in a Crimson Flood, And swom Lev●…aes in a sea of blood: In greatest perils he would bravely on, (geton, His throat belched fog, and flames like Phle- Thus Salamader like, he oft hath been In scorching flashes, and three winters in An Icy coat, like Armour shining bright He sorved the Pole, against the Moscovite. He hath lain down to sleep a Man, in show, And rose a Snowball, or a Ball of Snow: Like the Ca●…lion (not to food inclined) He lived by sucking the cold Northern Wind, ●…ain'd by the blast of Fame, that swiftly flies, Compounding and confounding truth with lies. He hath 〈◊〉 Blade, (if his report be true) Wherewith he sixteen desperate Corporals flew; And eight Lieutenants he outright hath killed, Four valiant Sergeants he hath slain in Field: Two Noble Captains and one General, His fury, force perforce did force to fall. Blades broke, & battered Hilts, he hath had more Than any Castle can contain the store; He had a Rapier, sharp, pure Castilliano, With which he gored and killed a great Umbrano, For guided with an Arm and courage fierce, It quite through double Cannon proof will pierce. he'll Guard himself from any Bullets fall, His Sword's his Racket, and the shot the Ball, Which though it swiftly come, he's so quick-eyed That with his Morglay he would turneed aside: With the same Bilbo, once he madly strikes And cropped the tops off, from a Grove of Pikes: Thus fight oft in Winter, and in Summer, He had more wounds than holes are in a Scummer. A thousand blows and bruises, knocks, & cuts He hath received; eight times shot through the guts: He was in Leaguer late before Breda. Associate with the marquis Spinola: And being in a Boat upon the water, A Musket shot run through his Pia mater, It pierced his Perricranion, that his brain Was taken out and washed, put in again. Yet all these wounds, and all his desperate matches, He calls them petty hurts, or simple scratches: He was so mawled once at Berghen ap Zone, Boys called him Rawhead there, and Bloody-bone. From thence he took his journey into Flanders, And so to England where he cants and maunders; Where though he be not now the man he was. For an old beaten Soldier he may pass. 4. Satire. The Mountebank, or Quacksalver. Signior Gonsalvo, come from Naples late, Hath in the Curcumclusion of his Pate Engrossed all Learning, and can teach the way To speak all Tongues; (excepting truth) they say; There's not a Pissing-post but wears a Bill, That doth Proclaim his admirable skill. In Grammar, Logic, and in Rhetoric, Music, Geometry, Arithmetic; Bright Star surmounting rare Astronomy, Life-saving Physic, starving Poetry: Invisible Gold Creating Alchemy Extracting, and distracting Chimistrie: These Art's perfection are exceeding rare, And are (me thinks) too much for one man's share: But yet this Mountebank hath often swore That he is perfect in all these, and more. I will say nothing that may him deprave, But I will think he is a cheating Knave. Grammer's the ground of Speech, though all men Without it; 'tis rude, simple harsh, & weak: (speak For though all speak by Nature, I can tell By rules of Grammars Art, men may speak well: Logick's a Speech, that seems by disagreeing To make things be, or not be in their being; To whet men's wits, to try and toss conclusions, And learnedly to reconcile confusions. Rhetoriq●…e, I call th' Embroyderick, or the Varnish, That doth (with Eloquence) a Language Garnish: It decks speech, with style, phrase, and illustration, And method; and is Crowned with Admiration. Arithmetic can show by Numeration, How many Minutes past since the Creation: And how by finite Numbers, and by Fractions, Allusions may be made to all our Actions. Astronomy doth search the Pl●…nnets courses, Their Influences, their Aspects, and forces; The revolutions of Time, Days, and years, And how the Sun and Moon pass their Car●…ires. Geometry shows, squares, rounds, eranes & sins, Miles, engines, ovals, quadrats, traps, and grins; The Seaman's Compass, Clock and Dial's, all Houses, and Ships built Geometrical. Music consists of Airs, of Sounds, of Voices, Of Time, space, measure, which the heart rejoices: Of Concord, Discord, Unity, Division, Which none but Affes hold in base derision. Physic doth labour, study, search, and try The hidden secrets of Philosophy And every simple, for man's preservation; The learned Physicians know their operation. But Poetry must know much more than these, It scales the Skies, it dives into the Seas, 'Tis fire, earth; water, air; 'Tis sickness, health Probatum est: 'Tis any thing but wealth. And Mounsieur Quack-salver, I tell thee plain Thou liest, to say these Arts are in thy brain. Thou hast perhaps the Theory of prating, And jesuitticall Equivocating: But for the Practic, thou as much dost know, As he that said that Corn on Trees doth grow: What madness hath possessed our Nation here, That take delight to buy their deaths so dear: Can not our Doctors we in England have, Send us as cheap as Strangers to our Grave: Or do not our Physicians well deserve To kill men, but they must Frenchmen learn, Of Germans, or Italians, oh base, And insupportable most vile disgrace: I dare presume that we know every way To help, hurt, kill or cure as well as they. But all things strange are rare, all's good that's dear I muse we have no foreign Hangmen here. 'Tis miserable comfort, poor relief, Moore danger's in the Physic than the grief: Diseases oft are of such strange conditions They kill not, if not helped by strange Physicians. Like Conjurers, they give their Pagan drugs, The fearful name of the infernal Bugs: A Bitter Devil, Collaquintida, A Stinking Devil, Arsefetita; A Pocky Devil, called Zarsaperilla, A mortal for the Morbus Gallica: Elaphoboscon, bane Cantharideses, Aureum Pomona, of th' Hesperideses. With these (or such like Bugbear words as these) They'll fright a sound man into a disease, And often put a sick man in such fits, That he falls quite besides his little wits. But leaving such impostures as these be, The scorn of Physic, and Chirurgery, A swarm of Vipers, of so vile desert, So empty of experience, wit, and Art, That all their learned and over-boasted skills, Th'afore said posts do wear in Printed Bills. And when unto the World it doth appear, They can do half the Cures they promise there; I for my writing will Repent, and mourn, And beg forgiveness; and my Satire burn. 5. Satire. The Alchemist NOw shall my flagging Muse a while persist, And blaze the Honour of the Alchemist; Fire, Water, Aire, Earth, to us presents, The Names and Natures of four Elements: But Alchemy (prepoiterously) doth strive To Multiply those Elements to five: From joves' and Mercury's quick influence, The Alcimist will draw a Quintessence; With which extraction he a Stone will mould, That shall turn Tin, Brass, Steel, & Led, to gold. He doth profess that Stone shall lengthen health, Prolong our lives, give us abundant wealth: But diverse wealthy men his skill have tried, And as they fools did live, they Beggars died. Could he help others he would help himself, To that impossible ne'er purchased pelf; For commonly he's in a greasy Coat, Old Hat and Boots, and cannot change a Groat: Yet promiseth with more gold to possess us, Than Roman Croesus had, or Lydian Croesus. But yet from these his golden hopes to feed, He borrows money still to serve his need: He daily tries newfound experiments, Soap, Stibium, Salt, and such ingredients As is Argentum vive; Ordure, Urinal, Coals, crucibles, Led, Allom, poisonous Vermin, For he hath Gelded all the Philosophers, And with their only Stone he'll fill our Coffers. The Riddling and sophisticated Names Are most mysterious Dog-tricks, or May-games; For when the Furnace, or the Crusible, Begins to work, or seem conducible, He calls it the Green Lion, and anon, As soon as that first foam is Presto, gone; Then bubbles up the Fleeing Heart apace, To whom the Fleeing Eagle strait gives Chase: Next Master Alchemist puts in his Tool, And then amain huffs up the Dancing Foole. The Dragon's Tail mounts next in Fog and froth, And next the swollen Toad, in a Bumble-broath: Last comes the Crow's head, (ugly black to see). More black ten times than any black can be. Then mounts the fume unto the Azure Sky, And strait drops down the Seal of Mercury; And presently the golden work is done, (Almost as near as when 'twas first begun) For then the Stone invisibly doth fall, Which (if he could but see) would make us all. But lest we chance to see it and not know it, What private marks it bears I'll plainly show it; The substance of it is nor Fire, nor Water, Nor Earth, or Air, nor Elemental matter; It hath no shape or colour, nor is framed Like any thing that is unnamed, or named: 'Tis neither light, or heavy, soft, nor hard, Nor sharp, or blunt, flat, oval, round, or squared: It is not sweet, nor doth it stink outright, 'Tis not unpleasing, yet gives no delight. This is the Stone which many men desire, And he that finds it shall have for his hire Twelve Hogsheads filled; and 24. Buckets, Of Pieces, royals, Nobles, and of Ducats: Thus to its own and unknown worth alone, I leave this Sterile (Gold begetting) Stone. 6. Satire. The Hypocrite. ANd now my Muse hath got an appetite, To touch a little of the Hypocrite; But let not any Reader think that I The name of knowing Zeal do vilify: For these my lines shall not touch any man, That (wrong) doth bear the Náme of Puritan; No doubt, but many people well affected, (Are with that jeering Title much dejected) Who will not swear or lie presumptuously, And when they err, they err unwillingly; Who would be just in all they do or say, And know the Sunday from a common Day; Who are conformable to Church and State, And have no minds to change or innovate: Who in their Callings labour, and take pain, And will do no man wrong for earthly gain: Who do (for Conscience sake) obey command, And deal no further than they understand; Whose faiths are known by works, & doing good, Such men are of a blessed Brotherhood. Some such there are, whose number is too small, And happy were all men to be so all. For when the Ruffian, or profane wretch swears Abusing God and man, with scoffs and jeers If one that's Civil mildly do reprove them, The Devil their Tutor presently doth move them To be in Choler; strait to swear and ban, And call an honest man a Puritan: And thus some Rascals hold no man in price, Except he be excusive given to vice; But those I mean are such, whose holy fits, Approves them to be hare-brained Hypocrites: Who with a heaved up hand, and white of eye Will do a man a mischief zealously: They'll pray for Pardons for sins done and passed, Praise temperance, yet will sooner hang than fast; And on Religious points will stand most stoutly, And in conclusion cozen men devoutly. Their best Opinions are like Weathercockes, Their wits are vapours, and their heads are blocks; Their Brains are puffed, & stuffed with windy bubbles, Their Concord's discord, & their peace is troubles. Cain Sacrificed, and jesabel did fast, Prince Absolom some silly fools embraced; So judas kissed, when as to kill he meant, So Pilate washed, yet was corruptly bend: So Annanias brought his feigned gift, So Satan alleged Scripture for a shift. These were all Hypocrites, and so are they That wrest, to serve God the contrary way. For many a soul (by them prevented) wanders In misty Labyrinths, and crooked Meanders: One would have this, and th'other would have that And most of them would have they know not what For were we bound unto their approbation, We should have a mad fashioned Congregation. Nor do I think it meet the Church should crave Their wisdoms counsel, what is fit to have, Their long tautology, extemporary prating, Their babbling repetitions, oft repeating, Are but mere froth, without Pith, weak, ungrounded, And these have many a Conscience pricked, and wounded; For they will turn a Windmill to a Cow, And of a rotten Cloak-bag make a Blow. Ixion, so his time in vain did waste, When (stead of juno) he a Cloud embraced; Upon which Cloud the Centaurs be begot, And such strange Monsters breeds their zeal so hot: Or like the fellow in a Moonshine Night, Saw in a Pond or Poole, her likeness bright; And Riding in to give his Mare some drink, The Moon behind a Coal-black cloud did shrink: He (being drunk) began to storm and stare, And swore the Moon was swallowed by his Mare. Such are their real Arguments, and such Are all their points wherein they stand so much: They most dispute whereas their cheer is b●…st, And (in Plum-broath) they Church & State detest: Of sacred Scriptures (bet wixt every bit) They Coin interpretations with their wit; These separatists, the Alchemists would play, And turn our golden peace to Dross or Clay. 'Tis not their Organizing in the Nose, Their hate to Verse, or love to tedious Prose: Their seorne, like dust that's cast against the Wind, Which in their blind eyes falls & makes more blind For Envy's like an Arrow shot upright, Which on the Shooter's heads with danger light. Thus they by Owl-light still do miss the mark, And like poor Curs against the Moon they bark: For sure small credit to that man belongs That can be wronged, with babblers Pens or tongues. Awake my Muse, shake off this filthy scum, These dreggs, who altogether are a sum Of many Simples and ingredients; Of innovating disobedience. I wish them all with holiness endowed, To be more knowing zealous, and less proud: And as for their good sakes these lines are penned, I leave them either to amend or end. 7. Satire. The Whoore. I'll tell thee who's a Whore; that thing's a Whore Which whilst men most embrace they most abhor, Prized in the heat of Blood, at costly rate, A Dish we feed on, surfeit, and then hate: They Traffic for diseases, wast their youth In woeful Riot; without wit, or truth. They sell their souls an heritage to win, An Heritage in Hell, dear bought with sin: Put case they compass age; what's their reward? theyare old, poor, scorned, & beg without regard. They would repent them, then know not the way; Such are all Whores, who wilfully do stray: There hath been Whoors much honoured, Whores of State; Who bought Damnation at a dear, dear rate: And 'tis a difference, which offendeth more, Either a Coached, or a Carted Whore? ●…omprous whore may rustle some small time; ●…t State and Pomp extenuates no Crime. 8. Satire. Of degenerate Honour. HOnour is not compiled in Rank, or File, Or Measure, for no man hath reached that Style But by supernal favour; and from thence True Honour hath its only influence: For S●…rdanapulus was mighty once, Yet by Voluptuous frailty was a Dunce: Then what an Ass is he that hath a State Either by his Inheritance, or Fate, And squanders it, and dribbles it away, To be his Honours and his House decay: He that would be a Gentleman complete, Should every way seek to be good as great; And he that is not so, himself doth plunge, And is the curse of man, and Satan's sponge: Of Fatterers he may have a mighty shoal, And in the World may boar a mighty hole; And when he sinks into that hole he bore●…, He dies unpitied; no man him deplores. God is true Honour-giver, and will still Defend it with his Eviternall Will. And let the sacred Sisters all forefend, That any word should from my Muse be penned That may be taken a miss; for I persuade Myself, that none will kick, except a Jade: I know I play the fool in every line, But no wise man will set his wit to mine; Nor let a Scholar to a Sculler be An opposite, though different in Degree; For though I touched at damned pride before, Perhaps I should be proud if I had more. I blame the man that's covetous, but why? Because I want his precious Treasury. I jeer the Quack-salver, and Mountebank, Alas I cannot reach unto their Rank. I scoff the maund ring Knave, and Alchemist, Yet I (perhaps) would fain do what I list. I mock the Hypocrite, yet I confess I (Hypocrittically) still transgress: And I am stark naught, so that Tongue nor Pen, Can make me better than the worst of men. FINIS.