SIR Gregory Nonsense His News from no place. Written on purpose, with much study to no end, plentifully stored with want of wit, learning, judgement, Rhyme and Reason, and may seem very fitly for the understanding of Nobody. Toyte, Puncton, Ghemorah, Molushque, Kaycapepson. This is the work of the Authors, without borrowing or stealing from others. By john Taylor. Printed in London, and are to be sold between Charingcross, and Algate. To the (Sir Reverence) Rich Worshipped, Master Trim Tram Senseless, great Image of Authority and Hedgborough of the famous City of Gotham, and to the rest of that admired and unmatchable Senate, with their Corruptions and Families. MOst Honorificicabilitudinitatibus, I having studied the seven Lubberly Sciences (being nine by computation) out of which I gathered three conjunctions four mile Asse-under, which with much labour, and great ease, to little or no purpose, I have Noddicated to your grey grave and gravelled Prate ection. I doubt not but I might have had a Patron nearer hand, as the Dean of Dunstable, or the Beadle of Layton Buzzard, but that I know the p●●rase, Method and Style, is not for every man's understanding, no my most renowned Pythagor-Asses, for you this Hogshead of invention was brewed and broached, for I am ignorantly persuaded that your wisdom, can pick as much matter out of this Book in one day as both the Universities can in twelve months, and thirteen Moons, with six times four years to boot. I know your bounties too exding, for as old mother Baly said, the wit of man was much when she saw a dog muzzled. I have History for this our of an Illiterate well printed Poem in Prose, entitled, the wise men of Gothan, of much antiquity. Every man is not borne to make a Monument for the Cuckoo; to send a Trifoote home alone, to drive sheep before they have them, or to Trundle Cheeses down a hill. So saluting you with more prespect than the Mayor of Loo, did the Queen's Ape, I take leave to leave you, and rest yours to bid you welcome, if you came within a mile of my house to stay all night. Yours Rolihayton. To Nobody. Wpon a Christmas Even, some what night Easter, anon after Whitsuntide, walking in a Coach from London to Lambeth by water, I overtook a man that met me in the morning before sun set, the wind being in Capricorn, the Sign Southwest, with silence I demanded many questions of him, and he with much pensiveness did answer me merrily to the full, with such ample and empty replications, that both our understandings being equally satisfied, we contentiously agreed to finish and prosecute the narration of the unknown Knight Sir Gregory Nonsense, so sitting down upon our shoulders, resting uneasily on a bank of Sicamores under a Tree of odoriferous and contagious Camomile, after three sighs, smilingly uttered in the Hebrew Character, two groans from the Chaldean Dialact, five sobs from the Arabian Cinquepace, six dumps from German Idiom, nine Moods of Melancholy from the Italian tongue, with one hub hub from the Hiberbian outcry. And last he laughed in the Cambrian tongue, and began to declare in the Utopian speech, what I have here with most diligent negligence translated into the English Language, in which if the Printer hath placed any line, letter or syllable, whereby this large volume may be made guilty to be understood by any man, I would have the Reader not to impute the fault to the Author, for it was far from his purpose to write to any purpose, so ending at the beginning, I say as it is applawsfully written and commended to posterity in the Midsummer night's dream. If we offend, it is with our good will, we came with no intent, but to offend, and show our simple skill. Rolihayton. The names of such Authors Alphabetically recited as are simply mintioned in this Worke. A Madis de Gaul. Archy Arms. Bevis of Hampton. Boe to a Goose. Charing Crosse. Coakley. Dunsmore Cow. Davy Wager. Euanwich Muff. Friar and the Boy. Fubs his Travels. Garagantua. Gammon of Westphallia. Grigs Granam. Hundred merry tales. Huon of Bordeaux. jack Drum. Knight of the Sun. Knave of Diamonds. Lanum. Long Meg. Mad Maudlin. No body. Otoole. Proofs of OOOO. Quinborough Osters. Ready money. Shooter's Hill. Singer. Sir Thomas Parsons. Tarleton. Tom Derry. Tom Thumb. Vnguentum Album. Will Summer. Wit whither wilt thou. Woodcock of our side. Xampelloes' Quiblines. Yard of Ale. Zany on tumbling. Faults escaped in the Printing, which a wise Reader may mend when he sees them. IN the 25. page. 44. line, for a Friar's mouth read a Pudding. If the 170. page 53. line, for a fool read a Babble. In the 90. page, 27. line, for friend read rare. In the 30. page 6. line 78. for a Whore read a Bridewell. In the 100 pace, line 40. for a Bawd read a Cart. In the 12. page 11. line, for noon read dinner. In the 16. first, and all the Pages following for Tobacco read a Witch. In the 40. page, and 80. line, for a Calf's head read Bacon. In the 37. page, and 1. line, for vice read plenty. In the 000. page, and 3. line for money read scarce. In the last Page, for conscience, read none. In every page for sense read nonsense. Sir Gregory Nonsense his news from no place. IT was in june the eight and thirtieth day, That I embarked was on highgate Hill, After discourteous friendly taking leave: Of my young Father Madge and Mother john, The Wind did ebb, the tide flowed North Southeast, We hoist our Sails of Colloquintida, And after 13. days and 17. nights, (With certain Hiroglyphicke hours to boot) We with tempestuous calms, and friendly storms, Split our main topmast, close below the keel. But I with a dull quick congruity, took 19 ounces of the Western wind, And with the pith of the pole Artichoke, Sailed by the flaming Coast of Trapezond, There in a Fort of melting Adamant, Armed in a Crimson Robe, as black as jet, I saw Alcides with a Spider's thread, Led Serberus to the Proponticke Sea, Then cutting further through the marble Maine, Amongst flying Bulls▪ and 4. legged Turkicocks, A dumb fair spoken, well-faced aged youth, Sent to me from the stout Stymphalideses, With tongueless silence thus began his speech. Illustrious flapjack, to thy hungry doom, Low as the ground I elevate my cause, As I upon a Gnat was riding late, In quest to parley with the Pleyades, I saw the Duke of Hounsditch gaping close, In a green Arbour made of yellow starch, Betwixt two Brokers howling Madrigales, A Banquet was served in of Lamprays bones, Well pickled in the Tarbox of old time, When Demogorgon sailed to Islington; Which I perceiving with nine chads of steel, Strait flew unto the coast of Pimlico. ' Tinforme great Prester john, and the Mogul, What exc'llent Oysters were at Billingsgate. The Mogul (all enraged with these news, Sent a black snail post to Tartary. To tell the Irishmen in Saxony, The dismal downfall of old Charing Crosse. With that nine butter Firkins in a flame, Did coldly rise to Arbitrate the cause: Guessing by the Sinderesis of wapping, Saint Thomas Watering is most ominous, For though an Andiron, and a pair of Tongues, May both have breeding from one teeming womb, Yet by the Calculation of Pickt-hatch, Milk must not be so dear as Muskadel. First shall Melpomene in Cobweb Lawn. Adorn great Memphis in a Mussel boat, And all the Muses clad in Robes of Air, Shall dance Levaltoes with a Whirligig, Fair Pluto shall descend from Brazen dis, And Polipheamus keep a Seamsters shop, The I'll of Wight shall like a dive dapper, Devour the Egyptian proud Pyramids, Whilst Cassia Fistula shall gurmundize, Upon the flesh and blood of Croyden coal dust, Then on the Banks of Shoreditch shall be seen, What 'tis to serve the great Utopian Queen. This fearful period with great joyful care, Was heard with acclamations, and in fine, The whilst a lad of aged Nestor's years, Stood sitting in a Throne of massy yeast, (Not speaking any word gave this reply. Most conscript Umpire in this various Orb. I saw the Ceaders of old Lebanon, Read a sad Lecture unto Clapham heath, At which time a strange vision did appear, His head was Buckram, and his eyes were sedge, His arms were blue botiles, his teeth were straw, His legs were nine well squared Tobacco Pipes, Clothed in a garment all of Dolphin's eggs, Then with a voice erected to the ground, Lifting aloft his hands unto his feet, He thus began, cease friendly cutting throats, Clamour the promulgation of your tongues, And yield to Demagorgon's policy. Stop the refulgent method of your moods, For should you live old Paphlagonias years, And with Sardanapalus match in virtue. Yet Atropos will with a Marigold, Run through the Mountains of the Caspian Sea, When you shall see above you, and beneath That nothing kills a man so soon as death. This period finished, ere it was begun, Aquarius joined with Pisces, in firm league, With Reasons and vindictive Arguments, That pulverised the King of Diamonds, And with a diagorical relaps, Squeezed through the Cinders of a Butterfly, Great Oboron was mounted on a Wasp, To signify this news at Dunstable. The Weathercock at Pancrage in a fume, With Patience much distracted hearing this, Replied thus briefly without fear or wit, What madness doth thy Pericranion seize, Beyond the Dragon's tail A●tophilax. Think'st thou a Wolf thrust through a sheep skin gl●●e, Can make me take this Goblin for a Lamb: Or that a Crodadile in Barley broth, Is not a dish to feast done Belzebub, Give me a Meddler in a field of blue, Wrapped up stigmatically in a dream, And I will send him to the gates of Dis, To cause him fetch a sword of massy Chalk, With which he won the fatal Theban field▪ From Rome's great mitred Matropolitan. Much was the quoil this braving answer made, When presently a Germane Conjurer, Did open a learned Book of Palmistry, Crammed full of mental reservations: The which beginning with a loud low voice, With affable and kind discourtesy, He spoke what no man heard or understood, Words tending unto this or no respect, Spawn of a Tortoise hold thy silent noise, For when the great Leviathan of Trumpets, Shall make a breach in Sinon's Tennis Court. Then shall the pigmy mighty Hercules, Skip like a Wilderness in Woodstreet Counter. Then Taurus shall in league with Hannibal, Draw Bacchus dry, whilst Boreus in a heat, In 〈…〉 opened, in a Gown of Icicles: With much discretion and great want of wit, Leave all as wisely as it was at first, ●●●●fed much how those things could be done▪ When straight a water Tankard answered me, That it was made with a Parenthesis, With thirteen yards of Kersie and a 〈◊〉▪ Made of fine flax which grew on Goodwin sands, Whereby we all perceived the Hernshawes breed, Being trusted with a charitable doom, Was near Bunhill, when staite I might descry, the Quintessence of Grubstreete, well disti● Through Cripplegate in a contagioas Map. Bright Phaeton all angry at the sight, Snatched a large Woolpack from a Pismires mouth. And in a Tailor's Thimble boiled a Cabbage. Then all the standers by, most Reveterend, Rude, Judged that the case was most obscure and clear, And that three salt Enuigmates well applied, With fourscore Pipers, and Arion's Harp, Might catch Garagantua through an augor-hole, And 'twas no doubt but mulley Mahamet, Would make a quaffing bowl of Gorgon's skull, Whilst gormundizing Tantalus would weep, That Polypheme should kiss Aurora's lips, Triformed Cinthis in a sinkefoile shape, Met with the Dogstarre on Saint David's day, But sad Grimalkin mumbling up the Alps, Made fifteen fustian fumes of Pasticrust. This was no sooner known at Amsterdam, But with an Ethiopian Argosy, Man'd with Flap-dragons, drinking up sifreeze, They passed the purple gulf of Basingstoke. This being finished, scarce to any end, A full odd number of just sixteen dogs, Drenched in a sulphur flame of scalding Ice, ●ung the Bezonian W 〈…〉 pools of Algiers, Mixed with pragmatical potato Pies, With that I turned mine ears to see these things, ●nd on a Crystal wall of Scarlet dye, with mine eyes began to hear and note, What these succeeding Verses might portend, Which furiously an Annabaptist squeaked, ●he audieace deaflly listening all the while. A most learnedlye, and Illiterate Oration, in lame galloping Rhyme, fustianly pronounced by Nimshag, a gymnosophical Phoolosopher, in the presence of Achittophell Smel-smocke, Annani-Asse Aretine, Iscariot Nabal, Fransiscus Ra-viliaco, Garnetto jebusito, Guido Salpetro Favexit Powderio, and many other grave Senators of Limbo. Translated out of the vulgar Language, of Terra Incognita, and is as material as any part of the Book, the meaning whereof a blind man may see without Spectacles as well at midnight, as at noon day. THe Story of Ricardo, and of Bindo, Appeared like Nilus, peeping through a Windo: Which put the wand'ring jew in much amazement, In seeing such a voice without the Casement. When lo a Bull (long nourished in Cocytus, With sulphur horns, sent by the Emperor Titus, Asked a stigmatic Paraclesian question, If Alexander ever loved Ephestion. I seeing each to other were much adverse, In mirth and sport set down their minds in sad verse, Which as my brains with care have coined & minted With plenteous want of judgement here 'tis printed, But if Grimalkine take my line in dudgeon, The case is plain, I pray good Readers judge ye on, That Aesop that old fabulisticke Phrygian, From the Nocturnal flood, or lake called Stygian, Came to the Court at Crete, clad like a Legate, The Porter kindly to him opened the-Gate, He passed through Pluto's Hall in Hell most horrid, Where gnashing cold mixed with combustious torid, Where all things that are good, and goodness wanted, Where plants of man's perdition still are planted, Where Ghosts and Goblins all in sulphur suited, And all the fiends like Cuckolds were cornuted. At last he audience got in Pluto's presence, And of his whole Embassage this was the-sence. To thee Tartarian Monarch now my Rime-is, And therefore mark my Prologue, or Imprimis, Thou that in Limbo art as 'twere Rex Regnant, Bear with my wit, which is not sharp or pregnant, I come from Hounds-ditch, Long-lane, & from Bridewell, Where all that have lived ill, have all not died well, Where as the Vices show like Virtue's Cardinal, Where's money store, and conscience very hard in all, Through thy protection they are monstrous Thrivers, Not like the Dutchmen in base Doits and Stivers, For there you may see many a greedy grout-head, Without or wit, or sense, almost without-head, Held and esteemed a man whose zeal is fervent, And makes a show as he were not your servant. To tell this news I came from many a mile hence, For we do know there's odds 'twixt talk and silence, With that the smugfaced Pluto shook his vestment, Deep ruminating what the weighty jest meant, Calling to mind old Dodonaeus Hearball, With Taciturnity and Actions verbal, Quoth he, I care for neither Friend or Kinsman, Nor do I value honesty two pins man: But 'tis a Maxim Mortals cannot hinder, The doughty deeds of Wakesields' huff cap Pinder, Are not so pleasant as the fair Aurora, When Nimrod rudely played on his Bandora. For 'tis not fit that any Turk or Persian, Should in a Cloak-bag hide a fever Tertian, Because the Dogstar in his cold Meridian, Might arm himself in fury most quotidian. With that most quick a Pettifogger's tongue went, (Well oiled with Aureum, Argent, or such Unguent,) Is't fit (quoth he) here should be such encroachment, By such whose fathers ne'er knew what a Coach meant, Or shall their Scutcheons fairly be endorsed, Who riding backward iadishly were horsed, For though in India it be rare and frequent, Where to the wall most commonly the weak went, Yet neither can the Sultan or the Sophy, Show any Precedents for such a Trophy. By Rules of Logic, he's a kind a Caitiff, And makes no reckoning of his Country native, That doth with feeble strength, love with derision, And without bloodshed makes a deep incision. Why should a man lay either life or lime nigh, To be endangered by a falling Chimney. For though the prosecution may be quaintly, Yet may the execution end but faintly, Le's call to mind the famous acts of Hector, When aged Ganymede carousing Nectar, Did leave the greeks much matter to repine on. Until the Wooden Horse of trusty Sinon, Foald a whole litter of mad Colts in Harness, As furious as the host of Hollophernes. But to the purpose here's the long and and short on't, All that is said, hath not been much important, Nor can it be that what is spoke is meant all, Of any thing that happens accidental, We will examine wisely what the Foe sent, And whether he be innocent or nocent. In weighty matters lets not be too serious, there's many an Eunuch hath been thought venrious, And 'tis a thing which often hath been heard on, That he that labours doth deserve his Guerdon, Let us the first precadent time examine, You'll find that hunger is the cause of famine, The Birds in Summer that have sweetly chirped, Ere winter hath been done have been extirped. He may wear Robes, that ne'er knew what a Rag meant, And he that feasts may fast without a fragment, The end proves all, I care not for the Interim, Time now that summers him, will one day winter him. To outward view, and Senses all exterier, Amongst all fools I never saw a verier, Than he that doth his liberty prohibit, To fall in danger of a fatal jibbit. Nor for this purpose here to talk come I, How silver may be mocked with Alcamie, I oft have heard that many a Hawk hath muted, Whereby the Falconer's Clothes hath been polluted. This may be avoided if the Knight Sir Reverence, Be wary with a negligent perseverance: For men of judement never think it decent, To love a stinking Polecat well for the sent. But if a man should seriously consider, Where Charity is fled, or who hath hid her, He in the end would give this worthy sentence, The earth hath been accursed since she went hence. The Times are biting, and the days canicular, And mischief girds about the Globes orbiculer, How from the Country all the plain Rusticity, lives by deceit, exiling plain simplicity. A face like Rubies mixed with Alabaster, Wastes much in Physic, and her water-caster, That whosoever perceives which way the stink went, May sent and censure she's a great delinquent. Why should a Bawd be fur'd with Budge & Miniver, As if she were a Lady, or Queen Guinevere? When as perhaps there's many a modest Matron, Hath scarcely meat, or money, clothes or patron, And wherefore should a man be grown so stupid, To be a slave to Venus or to Cupid, he's but a fool that hoping for a vain prize, Being captived can have no bail or main prize. For he that hath no shift let him determine, He shall be bitten with Fleas, Lice, or Vermine. This being all his speeches Pia Mater, He called a Sculler, and would go by water: When straight the Stygian Ferryman a rare one, Old amiable, currish courteous Charon, Rowed with a whirlwind through the Acheron tick And thence unto the Azure Sea proponticke. There Neptune in a burning blue Pavilion, In state did entertain this slow Postilion, There Proteus in a Robe of twisted Camphire, With a grave beard of monumental Sampire, Quoth he, shall we whose Ancestors were warlike, Whose rich Perfumes were only Leeks and Garlic, Whose noble deeds nocturnal and diurnal, Great Towns and Towers did topsie turuy turn all. Shall all their valour be in us extinguished, Great jove forbid there should be such a thing wished, Though Cleoprtra was Octauia's rival, It is a thing that we may well connive all, Amongst the Ancients it is undisputable, That women and the winds were ever muteable, And 'tis approved where people are littigious, There every Epicure is not religious, Old Oceamus knowing what they meant all, Brought Zephyrus unto the Oriental, And he by Argument would prove that love is, A thing that makes a wise man oft a Novice: For 'tis approved a Greyhound or a Beagle, Were not ordained or made, to hunt the Eagle, Nor can the nimblest Cat that came from Gottam▪ Search the profundity of Neptune's bottom. Let roaring Cannons with the Welkin parley, It's known good liquer may be made with Barley▪ And by experience many are assured, Some grounds are fruitful if they be manured. For in the rudimen of health or sanity, An arrant Whore is but a price of vanity: Some men with fury will procrastinate, And some with leaden speed make haste in at▪ But in conclusion many things impurely, Dye in the Birth, and never end maturely, The man that seeketh straying minds to wean all▪ From venial vices, or offences penal: Had he the forces of the Turkish Navy, He would lie down at last and cry pecavy. Of one thing I have oftentimes taken notice, The fool that's old, and rich, much apt to dote is, And by the light of Polux and of Castor, A Wolf in Shepherd's weeds is no good Pastor, Those that do live a Comic life by Magic, Their Scenes in their Catastraphes are tragic. And that o'er the World would be chief Primate, May give occasion for wise men to rhyme at, Before men fell to wrangling disagreement, A Lawyer understood not what a fee meant: It was a time when Gild did fear no censure, But love, and peace, and charity was then sure. Now fathers (for their bread dig and delve it, The whilst the Satin Sons are lined with Velvet. Thus do I make a hotch potch mess of Nonsense, In dark Enigmas, and strange sense upon sense: It is not foolish all, nor is it wise all, Nor is it true in all, nor is it lies all. I have not showed my wits acute or fluent, Nor told which way of late the wand'ring jew went, For mine own part I never cared greatly, (So I farewell) where those that dress the meat lie. A miserable Knave may be close fisted, And prodigal expense may be resisted, I neither care what Tom, or jack, or Dick said, I am resolved, and my mind is fixed, The case is not as he, or I, or you said, Truth must be found, and witnesses produced, My care is, that no captious Reader bear hence, My understanding, wit, or reason here hence. On purpose to no purpose I did write all, And so at Noon, I bid you here good night all. THen with a tuchbox of transalpine tar, Turning thrice round, and stirring not a jot, He threw five ton of red hot purple Snow, Into a Pygmies mouth, nine inches square, Which straight with melancholy moved, Old Bombus Burgomaster of Pickthatch, That plunging through the Sea of Turnbull street▪ He safely did arrive at Smith field Bars. Then did the Turnetripes on the Coast of France. Catch fifteen hundred thousand Grasshoppers, With fourteen Spanish Needles bombasted, Poached with the Eggs of fourscore Flanders Mares, Mounted upon the foot of Caucasus, They whirled the football of conspiring fate, And broke the shins of smugfaced Mulciber, With that grim Pluto all in Scarlet blue, Gave fair Proserpina a kiss of brass, At which all Hell danced Trenchmore in a string, Whilst Acheron, and Termagant did sing, The Moldwarpe all this while in white broth bathed, Did Carol Dido's happiness in love, Upon a Gridiron made of Whiting-mops, Unto the tune of john come kiss me now, At which Avernus' Music 'gan to roar, Iuthroned upon a seat of three leaved grass, Whilst all the Hibernian Kerns in multitudes, Did feast with Shamerags stewed in Vsquebagh. At which a banquet made of Monopolies, took great disaste, because the Pillory Was hunger-starved for want of Villains ears, Whom to relieve, there was a Mittimus, Sent from Tartary in an Oyster Boat, At which the King of China was amazed, And with nine grains of rhubarb stellified, As low as to the altitude of shame, He thrust four Onions in a Candle-case, And spoilt the meaning of the world's misdoubt, Thus with a Dialogue of crimson starch, I was inflamed with a numb-cold fire, Upon the tenterhookes of Chalemaine, The Dogstar howled, the Cat a Mountain smiled, And Sisyphus drank Muskadel and Eggs, In the horned hoof of huge Bucephalus, Time turned about, and showed me yesterday, Clad in a Gown of mourning had I wist, The motion was almost too late they said, Whilst sad despair made all the World stark mad, They all arose, and I put up my pen, It makes no matter, where, why, how, or when. Some sense at last to the learned. YOu that in Greek and Latin learned are, And of the ancient Hebrew have a share: You that most rarely oftentimes have sung, In the French, Spanish or Italian tongue, Here I in English have employed my pen, To be read by the learnedst Englishmen, Wherein the meanest Scholar plain may see, I understand their tongues, as they do me. FINIS. Printed at London by N. O▪ 1622.