Tailor's Feast: Containing Twenty-seaven Dishes of meat, Without Bread, Drink, Meat, Fruit, Flesh, Fish, Sauce, Salads, or sweetmeats, only a good stomach, etc. Being full of variety and witty mirth. By JOHN TAYLOR. LONDON: Printed by J. Okes dwelling in little St. bartholmew's. Anno. 1638. The Names of the several Dishes served in at this Feast. 1. THE Invitation. 2. Bread and Salt. 3. Great and small Oysters. 4. Brawn and Mustard. 5. Powdered Beef and Cabbadge. 6. A Chine of roast Beef. 7. Strong Beer. 8. Venison. 9 Wine Claret. 10. Puddings and sawsadges. 11. Two Pigs, one raw, and the other roasted in a Cloak-bag. 12. A Goose. 13. A Cup of Sack. 14. A couple of fat Ducks roasted. 15. A cup of small Beer. 16. Twelve Woodcocks in a dish. 17. A Loin of Veal. 18. A Custard. 19 A whole Sturgeon like an old Colt. 20. A fresh Salmon. 21. Six sixpenny Mutton pies to make up the Feast. 22. A Pudding-pie. 23. A Foole. 24. Cheese. 25. A Posset. 26. Music. 27. One hundred Faggots to warm the Guests, and dress the meat. Tailor's Feast, Containing Twenty seven Dishes, without Bread, Drink, Meat, Fruit, Flesh, Fish, Sauce, Salads, or Sweetmeats. The Invitation. FIrst I would have my Guests understand this point of Modesty, not to presume to come unto my Feast without bidding, except they bring stools with them (as unbidden Guests should do. Secondly, I observe a Rule of the Italian (which is now of late in great use in England) which is to invite a man most earnestly to Dinner or Supper, hoping he or they that are so invited, will have more manners then to come: But if they do come, than the Inviters do esteem the Guests unmannerly, and that they want good and gentile breeding. Thirdly, I would have none but such as have the gift of Abstinence and Fasting to come to my Feast, for my House stands (as other gentlemen's houses do) in a very wholesome and hungry Air, that shall not take away any man's Appetite, but allowing every man to depart with a good stomach to his meat, (when he hath it) which is an apparent and infallible sign of health. Lastly, as many as please to come over my House any Morning, shall be very welcome to break their Faces before they go: Or if the greatest enemy I have do ride within a Mile or two of my Dwelling, let him or they make bold to stay there a Month (if they please) and take such as they find and welcome, for I will be but at ordinary or small charge in providing. Now Gentlemen Readers, or all of what degree so ever, that do read this, I pray you all to take notice that you are my Guests, for the entertainment and Diet you are like to have, I pray takeit in good part, washing is costly, and Soap is dear, therefore I will not have any Tablecloth, or Napkin fouled, for you shall have no occasion to wash your hands, lick your lips or fingers, nor shall you need to make use of a Toothpick, you shall have no cause to draw Knives, neither shall here be any carving of either the wing of a Coney, or the fore-legge of a Capon: here is no troublesome shifting of Trenchers or Platters, nor exception for the highest place at the Board, for the Diet is a like in all places of the Table, (and to avoid Pride and emulation) I have caused it to be made and framed, neither long or short, or middle size, square, round, or oval; and so you are all welcome unto my Tantalian Feast, which is dressed without Kettle, Pot, or Spit, Dripping-pan, Frying-pan, Ladle, Scummer, Cook, Scullion, Jack, or Turn-broach: So now at the first sight you may perceive bread and salt, which is first placed upon every man's table, and so likewise at my Feast, and so in good order you shall find the rest of the Feast follow in their due course and order. 2. Bread and Salt. BRead and Salt are the first Ushers to the Feast. The Anagram of Bread, is Beard or Bared, and though Salt come in with the first, yet Salt Anagrammatized is Last; which signifies that Bread and Salt should be the first brought in to a Table, and last Bared and carried away. But my Bread is not for every man's tooth, it not being made of Wheat, Rye, Barley, Oates, Mescellin, Beanes, Pease, or any Grain, Pulse, or Root whatsoever. It is neither dough Baked, Baked dough, or burnt in the Oven, neither leavened or unleavened, nor any yeast, Barm, or Rising put into it, (for it might fill my Guests with wind in stead of puffing them up with vain glory.) It hath neither Crust or Crum, nor is it chipped or unchiped; for the colour and fineness of it is neither White, Wheaten, Ranged, or Browne: it is neither in the shape of Loaf, Rowel, Cake, bun, Wig, Manchet, Ruske, Bannock, Jannock, Symnell, or bread-pye, nor is it Cheat-bread, for it shall satisfy every man as much as he looks for: if it be distasteful unto any, let him dip it in the Salt, and it will be savoury presently. 3. Great and small Oysters. MY Bawdy Boy, having thus procured Faggots, yet he'll not be idle, but for your better content, the same Tide he will fit you with two Bushels of great and small Oysters; for before he had rowed four miles, he overtook a Catch that was swimming up towards London loaden with Oysters. Well overtaken Katchman says one, Gramercy Waterman said the other; wilt thou buy 100 of Faggots, said Bawdy Boy? I know not what to do with them said the other; but yet I care not if I give thee a Crown for them: Bawdy boy replied, I was glad (quoth he) to take them for part of a desperate Debt, for where I had them, I could get no money, and my house is little, so that I want room to lay them in, which is the cause that makes me to sell them to thee at so cheap a rate. The match being thus made, the Faggots were delivered into the Catch, and the five shillings was paid to the Waterman, who presently demanded of the Katchman if his Oysters were good? who answered, that his great ones were at six shillings the Bushel, (water-measure) and his small ones at two shillings the Bushel: Bawdy Boy said, thou hast bestowed thy money with me for Faggots, and I will leave it again with thee for Oysters; I will give thee a Crown for a Bushel of the great, and two shillings for the small: all parties being agreed, the Oysters were measured, and thrown into the Boat: I pray thee Katchman said Bawdy Boy, give me one great Oyster or two into the bargain, which whilst the Katchman was reaching, the other put off his Boat, and rowed away: The one called ho Waterman, thou hast not paid me for my Oysters, the other said, you lie Katchman, you have Faggots for your Oysters; the other replied, thou hast money for thy Faggots, the other answered, thou hast Faggots for thy Oysters, and for thy money both, and thou art an ignorant fellow, that knowst not how to reckon right: So away rowed he, and I pray Gentlemen fall to your Oysters. 4. A Choler of Brawn. WIll Baxted, a late well known fine Comedian, went in a Morning, on one of the Twenlve days in Christmas time, upon occasion of business to speak with an old rich miserable Housekeeper, and having done what he came for, he took his leave, leaving the old man in his Chamber: but as he was going out of the doors, he said to the Fellow that let him out, My Friend, is not this Christmas time? Yes that it is said the other; then said Baxted, will not your Master be angry if I do go away and not drink? the Fellow said, no sure, I think he will not be offended at all for such a small fault: O but (quot Baxted) it is good to be sure, and I am loath you should have any ill will for my sake, therefore I pray you, ask your Master if he will not be angry with you, if I do go away before I drink: Sir said the fellow, I will not ask him such a question, but I will make you drink without his knowledge. So into a Cellar they went, and strong Beer was drawn in a Horne-cup, and as Baxted was drinking, the Master of the house knocked, and called, and whistled for his man as if he had been mad, so that the fellow was fain to leave Baxted in the Cellar, and run upstaires in haste to his Master, who angryly said, (Sirrah) where have you been? and what is the reason that I have knocked, and bounced so long for you? Sir (said the servant) I was giving a cup of Beer in the Cellar to the Player that was with you: How, said the Master, thou idle wasteful knave, do I keep a Taphouse or Ordinary for every companion to tipple in? I'll make thee know it is not my Disposition, nor is it for my Reputation or profit: Truly Sir, said the Fellow, I could not choose but make him drink for shame, he spoke such words that moved me so; and with that he told his Master what Baxted said, and that he had left him in the Cellar alone: A Rope on him said the Old man, I will go to him, and bid him welcome, (though but with an ill will) the mad knave will jeer me else. So he went to the Cellar, where finding Baxted, he said, you are welcome, and I thank my man for having so much manners as to entertain you; for my head was full of business, and so I drink to you good Mr. Baxted, and I pray you what say you to a slice of a Choler of Brawn and Mustard this Morning? O sir, said he, I would not say any thing at all to it, but I would do somewhat to it if I had it; truly Mr. Baxted (said he) and you shall have it; so with an ill will he sent his man for it, who brought into the Cellar a goodly Choler of Brawn, whole and uncut, Baxted knowing the Riches of the man, and the miserable poverty of his mind, drew forth his knife, with a full resolution to take the Choler lower, though the anger were raised the higher, so with a desperate acute stomach he cut out a piece as big as a Penny-loafe on the top of the Brawn, which he presently consumed, and more for roagery than hunger: in the mean space the sight of the Brawns demolishing vexed the Old man: But Baxted persisting 'twixt Jest and Choler, gave it the second cut in the other side on the top, so that it looked forked like the Sign of the Mitre; at which the Old man could no longer hold, or contain himself from speaking, saying, Master Baxted, are you married sir? No sir quoth he, I am single, and I keep no house; the other said, I thought so by your cutting of Brawn, for I do think you do neither know the price of such a Choler, or what belongs 〈◊〉 it. Baxted answered him, Sir, indeed for the price I neither know, nor care for, but yet I do know what belongs to it, which is a cup of Muskadel, if I could get it. So the old Miser was fain to send his man to the Tavern for half a Pint of Muskadel, to wash down Baxteds' Brawn, who was no sooner gone, but the old man in a rage gave his man warning to provide him another Master, for he would keep no such riotting knaves that would entertain such bold Guests. 5. Powdered Beef and Cabbage, and a mess of Mustard. A Waterman (now living) named Gilford, dwelled on the Bankside, and coming home to his Dinner, which was Beef and Cabbage, of which he had made pottage, he prayed his wife to make haste, and take it off the Fire, that he might quickly dine, and be gone; and whilst the woman was reaching a Porringer and Platter, a Cur-dog came into the house, lifted up his leg, and pissed in the Porridge-pot amongst the mere and Cabbage, which the man perceiving told his Wife, and catched the dog, and almost beat him to death: but the woman entreated her Husband to eat his Dinner, for it should be never the worse, when she had strained the Pottage through a clean cloth, but all her persuasions could not make him eat. Mustard. THree Gentlemen of the ancient race of Redshanks, (now called Highland-men, because they inhabit in the Mountainous parts of the North of Scotland) these three having occasions to come into England, being at their Inn, had to their Dinner a piece of powdered Beef and Mustard: now neither of them had never seen Mustard before, wherefore one of them demanded what Devil it was? the Host answered, that it was good sauce for their meat; Sauce said the other? it hath an ill look, I pray let me see you eat some first; then the Host took a bit of Beef, and dipped it in the Mustard, & did eat it: the Highland-man presently took his meat and rolled it in the Mustard, and began to chaw, but it was so strong, that it was no sooner in his mouth, but it set him a snuffing and sneezing, that he told his Friends, (Ducan and Donald) that he was slain with the grey Gruel in the wee-dish; he bid them draw their Whineards, and stick the false Lowne, (their Host) he prayed them to remember his last love to his wife and Barns, and withal to have a care to beware of the grey gruel, for the Devil was in't. But after the force of the Mustard was spent, the Gentleman left sneezing, all was pacified, mine Host was pardoned, and Mustard was good sauce for powdered Beef. 6. A Chine of Beef roasted. Affair Chine of Beef was once given to Mr. john Fletcher, (the Poet) he prayed his Hostess, (being an old woman near the Bankside, where he lodged) to salt it well seven or eight days, and he would invite some friends to the eating of it: the day being come, and the Chine at the Fire, the Woman had not played the Huswife so well in salting of it, but that it had taken Air, and entertained more Tenants than were welcome: but after it had been three hours at the fire, Master Fletcher had a mind to have a slice hot from the spit, and for that purpose came down from his Chamber, drew his Knife, and cut; and as he cut, he espied Maggots drop out, at which he was angry, but suffering the Spit to go about, he cut on the other side, and found it worse: Whereupon Fletcher being alone, (for the Woman was gone forth, and left the Jack to look to the Spit) was so enraged, that he took the spit up, and setting his foot against the meat, footed it off, and threw it into a muddy ditch on the other side of the way, and putting the Spit into the Jackerope again, went up to his Chamber again in a chafe: the old woman suddenly coming in, and seeing the meat gone, was amazed, and stepped into the street, and asked some of her neighbours, if they saw any body go into her house? one made answer, that Mr. Fletcher went over to the Ditch, and back again, but he saw no body else; then the woman went to see, and she perceived the mud was newly enclosed over something that had been cast there in lately: so she fetched a Rake, and raked the Beef out of the ditch, put it under a Pump, and with a wisp, ashes, and sand, washed and scowered it, so that all the Gentiles in it were confounded, then to the Spit she put it again, winds up the Jack, which made a noise in his language whir, whirr; which Mr. Fletcher hearing, mused what was provided for Dinner for his Guests and himself; the old woman being gone into her backside, Fletcher stole softly down the stairs, and peeping towards the fire, saw the Chine a roasting the second time, at which amazement he biest himself, saying, Art thou crawled thither again, thou shalt never be removed for me again: so it was roasted, and gave good content to the Guests, but some of them said, it had taken wind. Gentlemen, I doubt you have sat too long over your Beef, and therefore a cup of Beer is not amiss, and then you shall be furnished with some other Viands. 7. Strong Beer. TWo Soldiers of old acquaintance, having been long asunder, chanced to meet, and after salutations they agreed to enter an Alehouse, where a formal fashionable Tapster filled them as much nick and froth with Petards of Tobacco, as made them (in his estimation) to be reckoned at two shillings; they fell to the discourse of their several Fortunes and Services, the one of Russia and Poland, the other of Germany and Sweaden; they talked of hunger and thirst, cold, and nakedness, sieges, and assaults, Artillery, Ammunition, Guns, and Drums, wounds, scars, death, and all the perils incident to men of the Sword. The Tapster overhearing them, said, that they were the better welcome for being Soldiers, and that he had been one of that Martial Train himself in the Low-countries, where (he thanked God) he neither did harm, nor took any; the best was, that he had learned so much wit that no man could cozen him: the Soldiers answered him, that his labour was worth his travel, in learning so much cunning, and so they paid their reckoning, and departed. They had not gone far, but they met with another of their old acquaintance, (a cunning shark) to whom they told the bragging confidence of the Tapster: How said he, will he not be cozened? Tell me where he dwells, and go you two and stay at a Tavern that's next him; and I will first be with him, and then come quickly to you. The place being told, and the Tavern appointed, the witty Soldier went to the Tapster, and called for two Guns of Beer; Guns quoth the Tapster? Canns you would say; the other replied, I do mean Cans, but I have been so used to Cunnes in the Wars, that I forget myself, and call every thing a Gun: So the Beer was filled in, and drank, and the Tapster filled his Guns or Cans by couples, which they drank between them; then the Soldier said that he saw a Tapster win a Wager lately beyond belief; for he brought six Cans of Beer from the Tap all full, in one hand, and set them on the Table, not spilling one drop; Sir, said the Tapster, I dare to lay a Crown that I can do that, I will lay as much that you do it not said the other; so the Wager was laid on the Board, but whilst the Tapster was filling the Cans, the Soldier ran away with the money, and strait perceived for all his wit and cunning, yet was able to be cozened. 8. Venison and Wine. A Gentleman dwelled two miles from a Market-town, where (at a Tavern) he caused some bottles of Wine to be filled to carry home, because he had invited some friends to his house to eat a Venison Pastry with him the next day: but his man and himself drank so hard, that they forgot their Liquor, (I mean the Bottles.) The next day being come, and Dinner ready to be laid on the Table, they remembered the Wine; so the Gentleman commanded his man to take a Horse, (which was saddled in the Stable) and to ride for the Wine with all speed. Well, to Dinner they went, and the Servingman to the Stable, the Pafry was opened, and to't they fell, and after an Hours time expecting the Wine, now said the Gentleman, methinks my man is riding hither in post, I hear the Horse dash; at which words the fellow entered: Ha well said, art thou come said the Master? we have stayed long, and thou hast made but slow speed; a pox on't said the Fellow, if I should be hanged I cannot find the bridle. 10. Puddings and Sawsadges. THe Pudding and the Sausages will be cold Gentlemen, if you do not fall to, and then they will not be worth a sir-reverence; and methinks it is an easy piece of Logic, to prove a Pudding to be a perpetual motion, for it is always moving. And as an Arrow, flies from Butt to Butt, So doth a Pudding post, from gut to gut. SImon Wadle, a Vintner, (that once kept the Tavern near the Temple-bar, at the Sign of Saint Dunstane) with some other Vintners, had been to taste and buy Wines at the Merchants, and having done their occasions, happened into the three Tons at Garlike-●ithe, where all the meat they could have on the sudden, was a pound of Sawsadges; Wadlo being hungry, had no great stomach to have so many partners in so small a dish, and having an old rotten Tooth in his pocket, (which a Barber in Fleetstreet had drawn from him the day before) he secretly conveyed, and thrust the said Tooth into one of the Sausages, which he himself first took into his hand; and after his associates had each one tasted a little, and began to be quick and nimble, Wadlo snapped his old tooth in his chaps, and pulling it forth, showed it to the company; upon the sight whereof they were all struck with fear and amazement, believing by the Tooth, that the Sausages had been made of Man's flesh: so they called for Sack and salad-oil, supposing they had been poisoned; but Wadlo fell to with a good stomach, saying that he could be no worse poisoned with them than he was: The man of the house vowed that the murderous Jade that made the Sausages, should be burnt. But after Wadlo had eaten up all, he sent for the Barber that drew the Tooth, and every man was presently cured, and the Sawsagewoman escaped burning. 11. A Pig. A Collier, near Croyden, having loaden his Cart with Coals for London, a woman that dwelled near him that was Nurse to a Merchant's child of the City, desired the Collier to remember her humble service to her Master and Mistress, and to tell them (God be thanked) their Child was well; and withal she entreated the Collier to carry them a live Pig, (which she had put in a bag before the Collier's face:) the Collier took the bag and made it fast upon the top of his Cart, and away came he. When he came into London where he should deliver his Coals, he took the bag with the Pig, and tied it under the Cart to one of the spokes of the Wheel, and when he had almost unloaden, a couple of Porters stood and perceived something move in the bag, did suppose it was a Pig or a Goose, or some such creature, which they had borrowed upon some Common or high way, as they came by night: And whilst the Colliers were busied, & absent in carriage, and empting their Sacks, the Porters stole the Pig out of the bag, and put in a little cur dog of their own, making it fast as they found it, and away go they: The dog impatient of his bondage, began to frig and fling, as he had been mad, that the Colliers said, the Devil was newly entered into the Pig; or else the Pig did presage that he was near his own death. Well, the Cart being empty, the Collier takes the dog-pigge, and carried it to the Merchant, delivering his Message (which was welcome) saying that he must carry the bag back again; so he went to a side Table, and opened it, and putting in his hand for a Pig, the dog bit him by the fingers; a pox on ye dee bite, quoth he: what doth he bite: quoth the Merchant, it can not be, I will take him out myself, than the Merchant put his hand into the bag, and the dog snapped him so currishly that he fetched blood of his fingers, at which he was angry, and bid the Devil take the Collier and the Pig both. At which the Merchant's wife laughed, and called them both fools, and with that she took the bag by the bottom, and shook out the dog: the dog being amazed, (not knowing where he was) turned round twice or thrice, and leapt over a Hatch, and away ran he home to pick the bones of the Pig: the Collier hanged down his Head all ashamed to look upon the Merchant. The Merchant (standing with his fingers bleeding) very angrily asked the Collier that if he had no body but he to abuse, and play the knave withal, to bring him a dog instead of a Pig: to whom the Collier replied, and also affirmed with an oath, that his intent was free from abusing him or any man else, and that it was a Pig in the morning. The Merchant swore it was a dog, the Collier swore it was a Pig; and so much good may it do you with your Pig. A Pig miraculously roasted. BUt a raw Pig is no man's meat, and therefore now you shall have one roasted, and strangely over-roasted. A Gentleman that dwelled about Enfield ten miles from London, had a Buff, tough suit in Law, that had lasted him ten years, and every Term he sent his Counsellor a Pig, scalded and ready dressed for the Spit: It fell so that at the beginning of a Midsummer Term: Richard the Servingman had the Pig in a cloak-bag a Horseback behind him, and as he was riding by Totnam-high-crosse, other Servingmen were there drinking at the sign of the Swan, who espied Richard, they called him to make him drink. Richard was glad to see his old acquaintance, and alighted, put his Horse in the Stable, took off his cloak-bag, and laid it on the board, telling his friends of the Pig, and that it was the fortieth Pig that he had carried in ten years from his master to a Lawyer. The company gave Richard the hearing, and with all one of them cunningly stole the Pig out of the cloak-bag, and carried it into the Kitchen, commanding it to be speedily roasted: in the mean time they plied Richard with cup after cup, that they were all merry: the Pig being roasted, they wrapped it close in the napkin again, that no heat should come from it, and put it into the cloak-bag: so they took sudden leave of Richard, who was quickly mounted with his piping hot pig behind him. So that he being well lined with Sack, with the hot Pig at his backside, and the Sun in his face, & exceeding hot, so that poor Richard did ride, as it were between two fires, besides the Horse trotted terrible, which made the cloak-bag skip, and the Pig was tossed as in a blanket: In these occurrences, Richard was half stewed, so that the sweat distilled from his body, and lyquored his boots. In this bloated case he came to London, and set up his Horse, took off his cloak-bag, which carrying under his arm, it was so hot that his side seemed to scald, and he thought he had gotten a Plewrisie, or a burning Fever. Being come to the Counsellors chamber, he remembered his Masters and Mistresses loves to him, and that they had (according to custom) sent him a Pig, and withal complained of the soultrinesse of the weather, and the extreme heat he was in. Then he puts his hand into the Cloak-bagge to take out hte PIg, which was so hot, that he said there was fire in it; at last he drew it out, and when he opened it, that it had gotten air, it reaked and smoked in such manner, that Richard said, there was one of the Wonders of the World; for between the heat of the Sun, and the hard trotting of his Horse, there was a Pig roasted all to pieces in the Cloak-bag. A Gentleman loved the sole of a Goose more than any part else, but his Cook having a Wench that longed for it, he adventred to give it her: when the Goose was carved, and brought to the Table, the Gentleman missed the sole, and demanded the Cook for it; the Cook made answer, Sir, this was no Goose, it was a Gander, and and he lost his sole with treading his Sister. This Goose deserves some sauce, but I can swim no more than a Goose, therefore I'll wade no further: much good may it do you Gentlemen. 13. A cup of Sack. NOw it is but folly to offer a little Sack to my Readers, for it is not a little or small Sack that can hold them; yet for all that they may hold or contain a little Sack, (when they have it.) A roaring Gallant having drank so much Sack, that his head and belly were full, and empty of Ebriety and Sobriety, and his purse and brain discharged of Wit and Money, was enforced to cast up his Sack with more haste than he received it, which being done, and his stomach somewhat eased, he threw the Pottle-pot down the stairs, saying, Drawers, you Rogues, bring more Sack, for all this is gone. A Spitchcock, or roasted Eel turned to a Bull. THere was a great Dispute held amongst good fellows once, of what thing in the world would live longest after exquisite and extreme Torments: the Judgement was general, that it was an Eel, for first he would live after his head was off; after he was flayed, after he had his entrailes and heart taken out, after he was cut in pieces, yet every piece would have life in it, after it was laid on the Gridyron: Then one of the company said, I do approve of your opinions; for an Eel doth live longer after he is dead, than any other thing that everlived on the earth. 14. A couple of fat Ducks roasted. near the City of Gaunt in Flanders, in a small Village there was lately a Priest that preached, or railed most bitterly against the Protestants, calling them Reprobates, Castaways, Hugonats, and Heretics, good for nothing but to feed fire, flame, and faggots; for which constant way of invective talking the Priest was mightily followed by abundance of ignorant people, (the most part women) as the like troops do into many places haunt Schismatical Separatists, that willingly would dislocate the Conformity and Unity of the Church. Amongst the rest of this Priests Auditory, there was one man and his wife that seldom failed to hear him; but it happened that the Woman was to give her mayd-servant leave to go to a Wedding at Gaunt, (where she had a kinswoman to be married) so that her Mistress was forced to stay at home that Sunday, and dress Dinner for her Husband and family. The Sermon being done, the Goodman came home, and told his Wife that their Priest had made an extraordinary piece of work, that the like was never spoken, and that he thought all the Protestants were knocked down with his words, and that he was grieved at the heart she was not at Church to hear him. At which report the woman was so full of grief, (for her being absent from so rare a matter) that she could eat no meat to Dinner, but fed upon sorrow; her Husband began to comfort her, and told her, that if she would be merry, and eat her meat, he would procure the Priest to come to their house on the Wednesday following, and there, (in their Parlour) he should repeat the same Sermon to them privately. The woman was well contented with the motion, and said, that she would bestow a couple of as good Ducks roafted on him as ever he eat in his life. (Now you must understand, that the Woman was hard and miserable, and did seldom use to feed her Husband, or any other with Ducks: and the Priest on the other side, did love a Duck so well, that he would run over the Parish after them.) Well, the Wednesday was come, the Priest came, the Ducks were on the Spit roasted, the Sermon was repeated, and Dinner was expected: The Woman arising from her seat, made a low courtesy to the Priest, saying, Sir, I will go into the Kitchen, and make haste with your meat, the while I will leave you with my Husband to discourse. in the Parlour: So the good wife went to her Maid, saying, In faith Wench our Priest hath made a good Declaration, but I would my Ducks were alive again, for it grieves me to remember how the pretty fools would quacke, quacke, about the backsides; but troubles my mind more, to think how, like Wolves, the Priest and thy Master will devour them. The Maid answered her Dame, that if she pleased, that we two here will eat up the Ducks in the Kitchen, the whilst the Priest and he are prating in the Parlour. The woman replied, that she could find in her heart to do it, but she could not answer the matter with credit. Then said the Maid, Dame, let us eat the Ducks, and I will lay my Quarter's wages against them, that we will come off with fame and credit. The match was agreed upon, the Ducks were taken from the Spit, and betwixt them one was eaten, and the other dismembered, and spoiled: What must be done now said the Dame? I pray you (quoth the Maid) to lay the cloth, with Bread, and Salt, and Trenchers; which she did, (her Husband bidding her make haste with Dinner) than she came to her Maid again, and asked what must further be done? Then said the Maid, you see our Knives are foul and blunt, I pray you whifper our Master in the ear, and tell him you will turn the grindstone whilst he doth sharpen them: Then the woman did as her Maid bid her, and as her husband and she were grinding in the backside, the Maid went into the Parlour to the Priest, and told him that he was in great and sudden danger, for her Master and Dame were much defamed by reason of too much familiarity which was suspected between her Dame and his good fatherhood, and therefore they had sent for him, with a trick to abuse him, to make him relate a Sermon, (which they regard not:) and as for the Ducks which he expected, she swore truly there was not a Duck in the house: The main plot was, that they did purpose to geld him, and therefore were sharpening their Knives; which if he pleased but to look out at the Hall-window, he might plainly see. The Priest was all amazed at this news, and looking, (as the Maid said) he spied the man and his wise grinding and turning, at which sight he took his heels, and ran away as if he had been two stone lighter than he was. Then the Maid went to her Master, and said, that she thought the Priest was mad, or the Devil was in him; for he came suddenly into the Kitchen, and was run away with both the Ducks. Whereat the hungry man was angry, and in haste (with one of the naked Knives in his hand) he ran after the Priest; so they both ran, the one for fear, and the other for hunger: the man calling to the Priest, bade him for shame not to carry them both away, but to let his wife have one of them: the Priest made answer (as he ran) that thy wife and thee are a couple of Rogues, and they should both be hanged before they had one of them, and that he would keep them both whilst he had them. Thus the Sermon was said, the Priest was afraid, his hunger unstayed, the Jest well laid, the Wages paid, Gramercy Maid. 15. A cup of small Beer. MY Reader perhaps may be thirsty or dry with relating this long Tale of the Ducks, therefore it cannot be amiss to give him a Bowl of small Beer for a cooler. A Gentleman that dwelled ten miles from London, sent his Footman in all haste to the City, to tell a Merchant welcome news of a rich Uncle of his lately dead, that had left him somewhat to make him merry for his Death, with an outside mourning in Black, and an inside laughing with Sack. The Footman having his Message, with a Letter, made as much speed as he could, in hope of Reward for his good tidings, so that he seemed by his pace to have wings on his heels, and by the fog or sweat he was in, you would have supposed him to have been bloated or stewed body and bones. Being come to the Merchant, he delivered the Letter, which after he had half read, the Contents contented him so, that he called his Maid, commanding her to fill a Bowl of Beer, and give it to the Footman, (who stood dropping with sweat as if he had newly been ducked) but he setting it to his mouth, swallowed it with extreme eagerness, and finding by the taste that it was a poor mortified Liquor, having no vivacity left in it, but merely cold, comfortless, and at the best, a poor decayed single-soaled drink, although it were dead, and a deceased remnant of humidious Aquacity, nay though it had not upou the death or departure from its Cinnicall or Diogenical habitation given so much as a good relish, a smack, or a taste to the poor Footman, that ever any Malt had been drowned, drenched, or embrued into it, yet he (as a man of a mild temper) amidst his heat, unwilling to speak ill of the dead, did plainly tell the Merchant thus: Sir, I do think that your Beer hath run as fast as I have ran, and faster. Why sayst thou so? (quoth the Merchant) because said the other, it sweats more than I do: it cannot be said the Merchant: the footman replied that if it did not sweat, he was much deceived, for he was sure it was in a cold sweat, or all of a water. Another piece of Beef, and then how the Beef was purchased, etc. THough Beef be accounted a gross dish at most of our late Sardanapolitan feasts and Banquests, yet I doubt not but many of my Guests (or Readers) will be well pleased to eat Beef (when they have it) but I being reasonably well stored, will tell them how I came by it, and then (as they like it) let them fall too and welcome. Now how the Beef was purchased. A Brace or couple of moneyless Gallants, who had met with some believing or credulous Mercer and Taylor, and sworn (and lied themselves into complete suits of praeter-plu-perfect-plush, or well deserving beaten Uelvet: these two had long time shared equal fortunes, and did purpose to live and dye in a brotherly conjunction; and indeed it was pity to part them. It befell that upon an Ash-wednesday, they chanced to read a Proclamation for the strict observing and keeping of Lent; at which they were both exceedingly grieved, so that the one said to the other, I cannot live according as is here commanded, for I will eat no fish, and therefore must have flesh: The other than replied I I think neither of us have friends, money, or credit, to purchase flesh or fish; but if thou canst borrow a Porter's habit, as a Frock, Cap., Basket, Rope, or Halter; stockings, shoes, and the like, than I will assure thee, I will load thy back with good Beef; my wit shall get it, and thy back shall bear it, and our old Hostess where we lodge, will powder it, and we all will be merry, and eat it. To be short, the outside of a Porter was borrowed, and on the Thursday after Ash-wednesday, to the Butchers went this Gentleman-porter, and his consort the Kater. (Now there was an old Doctor of Physic, which for some Reasons shall not be named: He dwelled in London, of good repute, and great estate, but so lame of the Gout, that he seldom went out of his House, but sat in a Chair, and gave his opinion of Urins and Diseases, and Directions, and Bills to Patients and Apothecaries.) This Doctor was the stake or aim that the Master Cheater did purpose to make the Buckler for his knavery: For coming to a Butcher, he bargained with him at the best rate for so many Stone of the chiefest Beef, with a leg and shoulder of Mutton, and loin of Veal, which came to fifty shillings and odd money; which being cut in pieces, and jointed, and laid in the Basket, he asked the Butcher if he knew such a Doctor of Physic? (as aforesaid) the Butcher said that he knew him well, that he was an honest Gentleman, and that one of his men did buy meat often of him at his shop; the Cheater replied, that he was also one of the Doctor's men, and that he that was wont to buy meat of him, was his Fellow, but he was gone into the Country about some occasions, and that himself for his part had laid out all his money in the City upon other things for his Master, therefore he entreated the Butcher to let one of his servants to go home with him, and take his due for his meat: The Butcher said it was a busy time, and had my customers to serve, yet he commanded one of his men, (calling him Richard) to go with the Gentleman, to bring 52. shillings and 10. pence, and to make haste back again. Away went the Butcher, the Porter, and the Gentleman, who asked the Butcher his name, and of what Country he was? he said his name was Richard Snelling, of such a Parish in Northamptonshire; the Cheater straight began to call Richard Cousin, and told him, that himself was a Snelling by the Mother's side, and that he would do more for him than he was aware of. When they came into a Lane near London wall, (called PhilipLane) where the old Doctor dwelled, the Cheater said Richard, I will go before, and have the gate or door open, because the Porter is loaden; so running apace to the gate, he knocked, which straight a Maid opened, to whom he said, yonder comes a Butcher with a Porter, I pray you let them rest here in the Hall whilst I do speak a word with your Master in the Parlour: as he requested, it was done, and the Cheater went to the Doctor, and told him that he was a Gentleman famous for Learning and Experience, and that though he were lame in his legs, yet he was sound in his Art and profession, which had moved him to bring to him a Patient, (his Kinsman) who was of Gentle Birth, but in his wild youth ran from his Parents, and bound himself Apprentice to a Butcher, and now within two days he was half frantic, and talked of nothing but money, which he thought was some distemperature in the Brain, through want of sleep, which surely Sir (said he to the Doctor) I am persuaded that you can effect in one night, and you shall have ten pound for the Cure: He is very mild and tractable, his fault is only talking of Money, and he stays without in your Hal. I pray you call him in said the Doctor, which the Cheater did, saying, Richard, go into the Parlour, my Master will pay you: so in went the Butcher to the Physician, the whilst the two Cheaters went away with the meat. Then Richard entered with his Cap off, and made many scraping legs to the Doctor, who bade him put on his Cap, and take a stool, and sit down by him; but Richard said, he had more manners than so, desiring his Worship to help him to his money: Alas good fellow said the Doctor, I would not have thee to set thy heart upon money, for they that do love money, are bewitched with this World, and have little thought or hope of a better; that money was like fire and water, very necessary for the use of Man, (so long as they are servants, and kept under) but where they get the mastery, they will do a man a world of mischief. Richard replied, (Sir) I care not for money, but I must have money of you for my Master Beef: to whom the Doctor said, Richard, thou art far gone, how long hast thou been in this case, to talk thus idly of Money? I pray thee canst thou say thy prayers, or Creed? Then straight the Butcher began to wax hot, and said, that he was not far gone, nor would go without his Money; and for the case he was in, it is the same he will be in, till he have his Money: And as for prayers, he came not thither to pray; and therefore I pray Sir, to leave jesting, and give me my Money, for my Master and Mistress are hasty folks; and will be very angry with me for my long stay, and therefore give me my money. The Doctor perceiving that he could not put Richard out of talking of Money, did suppose he was stark mad, and therefore he quickly called for his men, (William and Thomas) and commanded them to take Richard, and put him into a close Chamber, and to draw curtains, and shut up the windows, whereby he might be kept dark, (for the better settling of his brains) saying that Richard came of good friends, and that a worthy Gentleman (his Uncle) was with him but now, and further, that he had a good hope to cure him in short time. The Servingmen (as their Master bade them) took hold of Richard, who would not go with them; then they began to pull, hale, and tug him, so that Richard in anger, asked if they would make him mad: Then they fell by the ears, and cuff, and buffeted till they were bloody-nosed, and their Bands torn; the Doctor still crying to his men, Away with him, I will tame him before I have done, that he shall set his mind no more upon Money. Richard (being weak) was dragged perforce to the Chamber, when presently the Butcher (Richard's Master) came to the door, and knocked, demanding whether he had not a servant in the House? one of the men said, there was a young fellow in the House that was stark mad, and that they would hhe had been hanged before they saw him, he had beaten and torn them so: what, is he mad, (quoth the Butcher?) yes said the other, he talks of Money, and would have it of my Master; but fear not (honest man) my Master will cure him. What, is my man mad said the Butcher? yea quot the other, he would have Money, I told you: Money, why should he not have Money said the Butcher? He must, and shall have Money, and so will I: Are you as mad as your man said the Servingman? then we must be troubled to have another dark Chamber for you too; and (growing to high words one with another) at last the Butcher's wife came, (flinging her Arms as if she had been swimming) using the volubility of her Tongue to a shrill and lofty strain, (a principal virtue in too many women) that the House rang with the clamour, (as if it had been a Cockpit) ask her Husband why he stayed there, and where the idle rogue her man was, that he brought not away the Money. The old lame Doctor, hearing such a noise, asked one of his servants what the matter was: who told him that the Butcher and his wife both were come for money: Heyday, said the Doctor, I think all the World is made for Money; go and tell the Butcher and his Wife, that I have not dark rooms enough in my House for them: so after a little conference together, the Doctor's maid affirmed that a Porter rested his meat in their Hall, whilst the other Gentleman spoke with him in the Parlour, and that they both went away when the Butcher's man went in: thus the truth was cleared, the Cheaters were victualled, the Doctor was gulled, the Butcher was cozened, and Richard was released. 16. Twelve Woodcocks in a Dish. ABout six or seven new moulded Gallants, (whose outsides were silk and slashes, and their insides jeers and flashes) were invited to a worthy Citizen's House to dinner, where amongst a great deal of other good cheer, there was brought to the Board a Jury of Woodcocks in one Dish, laid Head to Head in the centre of the platter, as fantastic Travellers and their Wives do lie feet to feet in the great Bed of Ware, sometimes by dozen. These Guests (being loath to conceal their small Talents of wit) had an especial Art to break ten good jests of other men's, before they were able to make one good one of their own: they began to jybe at the Woodcocks, and said they were a Jury Empanelled; another said, it was hard to judge whether they were a petty, or a Grand-Jury: a third said, that he thought that those twelve were an Emblem of the twelve Companies. The Citizen (being a Gentleman of place and eminence) not thinking their eering worthy of his anger, would not set his gravity against their foppery; yet thus mildly he answered them. You are welcome Gentlemen, and I do wish that my entertainment were better for you: I see there is one dish that distastes you, but it shall be taken away; for I do assure you, that I never had so many Woodcocks at my Table at one time in all my life; but I think the fault is not in my Cater, for here are at least half a dozen more than he provided. So he commanded one that waited on, to take away the roasted Woodcocks from the rest. 17. A Loin of Veal. ALthough the bodies of men are all (or the greatest number) of one form or a like frame, all compacted and composed of the four Elements and Humours: yet those Elementary Humours are so variously mixed in men, that it makes them different in their Appetites, Affections, Inclinations, Constitutions and Actions: For example, some will gape and make water at the sight of a hot roasted pig; some will run from an Eel; some dce hate Cheese so, that they will not handle a knife that hath cut it: some will sweat at the sight of a mess of Musrard. Mr. Anthony Monday (sometimes a Writer to the City of London) would run from the Table at the sight of a fore-quarter of Lamb roasted: And a reverend grave Judge of this Kingdom, did abhor a Duck as it had been a Devil. Another Gentleman did love Salt, but by no means could endure to see it about the sides of a dish, but would swoon at the sight of it. A Schoolmaster in this City cannot endure to smell Apples. Amongst all these, I myself did know one Thomas Vincent that was a Book-keeper or prompter at the Globe playhouse near the Banck-end in Maid-lane: As also I did know john Singer, who played the Clowns part at the Fortune-play-house in Golding-Lane, these two men had such strange and different humours, that Vincent could not endure the sight or scent of a hot Loin of Veal, and Singer did abhor the smell of Aquavitae: But it happened that both these were invited to Dinner by a Widow, (that did not well know their diets) and as they sat at the Board, a hot Loin of Veal was set before Vincent, who presently began to change colour, and look pale, and in a trembling manner he dropped in a swowne under the Table; the Widow (being in a great amazement) made haste for an Aquavitae bottle to revive him, which was no sooner opened, but the very scent sent Singer after Vincent in the like foolish trance. But when the Veal and Aqua vitae were taken away, after a little time the men recovered: Vincent went into another Room, and drank, and Singer called for the Veal, and dined well with it. 18. A Custard. A Prating fellow, that dwelled in a City that had in former times been govern by Bailiffs, and was newly made a Majoralty, did brag that their first Major's feast was most sumptuous, and in price and value beyond the Lord Majors of York or London, for besides other Dishes and provision, there was sent in by the Gentlemen of the Country, Fourteen brace of Bucks; I demanded of him at what time of the Year their Major was chosen? He answered me, that about the Twentieth of October he tokee his Oath, and kept his Feast: I replied, that I thought he was mistaken, for the Season for Bucks doth not hold or continue till the Month of October; then he said, that if they were not Bucks, they were Does: To which I seemed to grant; but withal I told him, that if they had been Bucks, all had been too short of our London Feast; for we were able on that day to drown such a town as theirs with sixteen Tun of Custard. 19 A Sturgeon like an old Colt. THere is a Market-town (which I will not name in Print) in the road betwixt London and York, which hath a pretty River or Brooke rnnnes by it, up which Brook it did chance that a Sturgeon did swim or shoot, (somewhat near the Town) the which a Gentleman that dwelled near, espied, and caused a small Rope to be put through the gills of the Fish, and fastened it to a stump of a Willow, intending to take it as a wafte or stray, that fell into the limits of his own Bounds or Royalty: but as he was gone to make provision for the carriage of it, and to call his servants for that purpose, the news of the Sturgeon was brought to the Town, and the Recorder told the Major, that it was taken in their Liberty, and that they were better to spend or give an Hundred pound, than to lose or hazard the loss of so much ground as the Sturgeon was within their Liberty and Lordship: and therefore it were their best course to go speedily and fetch it away into the Town perforce. This counsel was liked and approved, and so with one consent, the Major with his Brethren, the Recorder, and Officers, with the whole Drove or Herd of the Townsmen, went out to bring in the Sturgeon. And as they went, Master Major said, that he had eaten part of such a Fish many times, but in all his life he had never seen a whole Sturgeon, and therefore he did not know of what shape or proportion it was: to whom one of the Aldermen said, Sir, in my youth I did use to go to Sea, and then I did now and then see one, and I can compare or liken him to nothing more than to an old ragged Colt; 'tis like enough to be so (quoth the Major) and for any thing I know he may be like a Goose, a Cock, or a Bull: Thus as they walked and talked many words to small purpose, they espied a fellow leading a young Colt with aslip from the Brook thwart over the field, which caused one of the Aldermen to say to the Major, Sir, yonder man (be like) hath had some warning of our coming, and you may see he is about to prevent us, for he is leading away the Sturgeon from us; with that the Major called aloud, saying, Hallow, thou fellow, I charge and command thee, that thou bring hither our Sturgeon before me: The fellow (wondering) answered, what zay Zur? Marry I say Sir, I charge thee bring hither our Sturgeon; What do you mean, my Colt said he? Sirrah, sirrah, said the Major, do not you offer to put your knavish Colt's tricks upon me, for if you do, I'll lay you by the Heels: Dost thou think that I am such an Ass that I do not know a Colt from a Sturgeon? I'faith quoth the fellow, you are a merry Gentleman, and with that he led the Colt away. Then the Major commanded men to pursue him, and take away the Sturgeon: Well, the fellow ran, the Townsmen ran, the Colt slipped his Halter, and was encompassed round, and hunting him into the Town, was met by men, women, and children, as a rare and admirable sight, and had like to have been killed, and cut out into Jolles and Rands, and made up into Keggs in pickle, but that a knowing understanding Shoemaker most luckily prevented it. In the mean time, the Gentleman that first found the Sturgeon, caused it to be taken up out of the Brook, and carried Home unto his House and there it was dressed as was fitting. The Major perceiving his error, let the man have his Colt again, with a full determination that at the common charge with the Towne-purse to try an Action with the Gentleman for the Sturgeon. 20. A fresh Salmon. THe good, old, and truly right Honourable Charles Earl of Nottingham, Lord High Admiral of England, whose renowned memory shall never be forgotten until his bounteous Housekeeping be generally imitated. He being at his House at Chelsey, and looking upon certain Fishermen that were fishing in the Thames with their SalmonNet, his Lordship called to them, and said, My friends, if you take a Salmon, and bring him a shore living, that I may see it move, and live, I will give you your price for it: The Fisherman answered, (My good Lord) I hope we shall be able to present your Honour with such a Fish as you desire; so they drew their Net to Land, and caught a very fair Salmon. (My Lord standing on the Land looking on them) To whom the Fisherman said, my Lord, I have him, and you shall have him straight: So the poor man took off his leather-girdle, which had fastened to it a little Pouch, with ten pence in money in it, and as he had put the girdle through the gill of the Salmon to hold it the faster, the Fish being a strong lively fish, gave a sudden flirt or spring out of the man's arms into the River again with the girdle in the gill, and the Pouch with ten-pences; which Salmon did shoot up the River the same Tide, from Chelsey to Hammersmith, and there it was taken by another Fisherman, and the Girdle with the pouch with it, which was restored to the right owner, and the Fisherman contentedly rewarded for the same by the bounteous Nobleman afore-named. 21. Six six penny Mutton-pyes to make up the Feast. MEthinks a Feast is not well set forth if there be no Pies or baked meats, and instead of Deer, I pray Gentlemen take in good part such Venison as Smithpenns afford. There was a Chirurgeon, or corruptly a Surgeon, whose name was well known to me, and many more by Land, but especially and truly by Walter, and by shortening it an L, by Water, or briefly, Wat; (the help of a Priest would declare the rest) This Welter's stomach did water for a Sixpenny Mutton-pye, at a Cooks named T. S. at Westminster, almost over against the 3. Tons Tavern, and having eaten one Pie, he liked the relish so well, that he called for five pies more of the same price, and valiantly consumed them both crust and meat, outsides and linings: Which being done, he heard Westminster clock strike, and demanding of one of the Cook's servants what time of day it was? who answered him, that the Clock struck Eleven; Oh (quoth he) I pray you bring me a reckoning quickly, or else I shall lose my Dinner at my Lord Maynards'. 22. A Pudding-pie. AN old rich Tanner, with a beggarly mind, did use Hartfourd Market constantly every Week, for the time of 28. Years, to buy and sell Hides; in all which space he never changed his Inn or Hosresse, nor altered his price for diet or expenses, either for his Horse or himself; whose Horse-meat was to be tied up to an empty Rack, for which one penny paid for his standing, and another penny the Tanner spent upon himself in a Pint of Beer, and a halfpenny loaf; so two pence in the Totall was his constant expenses every Market-day for so long a time: till at last as he passed alongst the Street, he espied a Wench that sold hot Pudding-pies, and presently his chaps began to water, so that his quick Eye and liquorish Tooth made him turn prodigal so far as to waste a penny upon himself for a Pudding-pie, which he put in his Handkerchief, and carried to his Inn, with a purpose to feast his carcase. So being set alone in a Room, he called for a whole pot of Beer, which the Maid drew, and was carrying it to him: but meeting her Dame or Mistress by the way, she asked her to whom that Beer was filled? for the old Tanner said the Maid, whereat the Mistress called her forgetful Baggage, that had forgotten his usual Diet, to be but a pint of Beer, and a Halfpenny loaf: The Maid replied, that he had bought a Pudding-pie, and would make that serve instead of Bread, and therefore he would spend a whole penny in Drink. So it was carried to the Tanner, who sat (repentingly) looking upon his Pie; the whilst the Hostess went into another room, where there were some merry fellows drinking, to whom she told how the Tanner had altered his custom and diet, and that he was in such a Room alone with his Pot and his Pudding-pie before him: whereat one of the fellows start up, and swore, the old miserable Hound should have small joy of it; so away went he to the Tanner, (who as yet had neither touched Pie or Pot) to whom he said, by your leave Father, I am bold to look into your Room, for myself with some friends are basely used in this House, for they fill us such scurvy dead drink, as a man would be ashamed to wash his Boots with it: Now you being an old Guest of the House, I would taste if your Beer be better, and with that he took up the Pot, and drank all off, set it on the Board again, saying, I thought (old man) that you were in favour with mine Hostess, and I perceive it now by the goodness of the Liquor: Oh but said the Tanner, you have drunk up all, then call for more said the other; but who shall pay (quoth the Tanner?) he that's best able quoth the fellow; Thou art a saucy fellow (said the Tanner) and little better than a Cheater, to come into my room and drink up my drink thus basely, and therefore tell me thy Name: The fellow told him, his Name was Gurley; Gurley said the Tanner? there was a Rascal of thy Name that stole a Mare from me three year ago, that I could have hanged him for it if I would: With that the fellow clapped his hand on the board, and said, Old man, that Gurley was my Cousin, and he was the most desperate Fellow that England bred, and did care no more for stealing your Mare, than I do at this time for eating your Pudding-pie, and with those words he suddenly snached up the Old Tanner's Pie, and greedily (knavishly) devoured it at two or three mouthfuls, leaving the miserable Tanner in a mad, hungry, and thirsty anger, without either Beer or Pudding-pie for his twopences. So Gentlemen, much good may it do you with your Pudding-pie: Now there remains behind only some light meat for the closure of the stomach, which I pray fall to, and welcome; and that is a Fool, being made like a Custard, and when that is done, pray give ear to the Music. 23. A Foole. TO furnish a Feast completely, there must be Tarts, Custards, Flawnes, Flap-jackes, and by all means a Fool or two: and at a Feast it so happened, that a Counsellor at Law (or of Law) being at the table, amongst other dishes that stood before him, he fell to feeding most heartily upon a Fool, and lovingly liking it so well, demanded of the Mistress of the House, what good name that most excellent dish of meat had: she answered him, that the name of it was a Foole. The Lawyer replied, hat he had often tasted the goodness of a Term Fool, but for a Table Fool he never smatched one that pleased his palate better, and therefore he desired her to let him have a note of the ingredients that appertained to the making of such a composition, that his Wife might put it in her book of Cookery. To which request of his, the Gentlewoman condescended: so after Supper was ended, the Counsellors man drew his pen and ink, and as the Gentlewoman directed him, he wrote. Item, so much clouted Cream, so much Sugar, so much Rose-water, so many Eggs, such and such Spices, with other Simples that are pertinent to Foole-making, which I am not perfect in: But after he had written all, he knew that his Mistress would insert it into her Book, and therefore he thought it fit to give it a title or directions above it, to distinguish it from other receipts, wherefore thus he entitled it: A receit to show my Mistress, how to make my Master a Foole. A Tale of a Foole. A Young Gentleman (being a rich Heir) came a wooing to a proper Gentlewoman, whose sharp wit quickly found him to be a Fool, by his playing the Coxcomb, and by his outward gesture; and so she gave him frumps for his folly, and flours for his foppery, parting as wisely as they met: which her mother perceiving, began to chide her, saying that she was a squeamish proud Baggage to give no more contentful respect to a Gentleman of his worth and rich hopes, and that she had best to be more tractable to him hereafter, for, (quoth she) your Father and I, and his parents are minded and agreed that he shallbe your Husband. Now, God bless me, said the maid, for I cannot love him: why canst thou not love him? (quoth the mother,) I know he is very rich: rich, said the maid? I know he is rich, (But,—.) But quoth the mother, what But: you idle slut, you would say he is But a Fool: you say true mother, said she, it is for that only that I cannot affect him: the mother replied, that for his being a Fool, it was her wisest part to take him; for it was better for her to be married to one that is a Fool already made to her Hand, then after marriage to take the pains to make him one: saying further, who loves theirwives better than Fools? who lets them Eat, Drink, wear, say, or do what they please, but Fools? I tell thee that I was four years married to thy Father, and he he curbed me, and restrained me of my will so much, that he almost broke my Heart, till at the last (with a great deal of cost and counsel from my good neighbours and Cossips,) and abundance of care and pains taking, I made him a Fool, (and so he happily continues:) since which time, I have lived a Lady's life, full of content and pleasure: and therefore Huswife, no more a do, but take my counsel, and marry a Fool, if you mean to live a merry and pleasant life. 24. Cheese. ONe bragged and boasted that when he was married, that he had at the least two hundred Cooks to dress his Wedding Dinner: Another answered him that he believed him not, because he knew that he had not so much as a House to put his Head in, but lodged in a Garret, and therefore he could not have use or room for so many Cooks: He replied, that as he with his friends came from Church, they went to a dry Hedge, and set it on fire, (every man having a piece of Cheese in his pocket,) and dividing themselves, the one half half of them on one side of the Hedge, and the other half on the other, and so toasting their Cheese, being two hundred in number, they were all Cooks, and dressed the Wedding dinner. 25. A Posset. THe Kingshead Tavern in Fleetstreet, at Chancery-lane end, hath a long time been a contenting well-customed House, and if the Travails of some of the Drawers up and down the stairs could be measured, it may be reckoned a daily journey of Forty miles a day in a Termtime. About 30. Years since there was a man that kept the said Tavern, whose Name was Gent, who was an honest fat man, (as most fat men be) who being in bed, about midnight the Drawers and the Maids were up merry in the Kitchen, to have a little recreation after their long day's toil: for which purpose the Maids had made a great and a good Posset, which exceeding hot, and well sacked, sugared, and spiced, was put into a broad-brimed pewter Basin: Mr. Gent being suddenly taken with an occasion to rise, (for the keeping of his bed clean) put on his slippers, and as he was coming down the stairs, his servants hearing him, were in doubt they were discovered by their Master, whom to prevent, they put out the light, and one of them took the Basin with the hot Posset, and (to hide it) laid it upon the seat in the House of office, Master Gent suspecting no harm, went thither in the dark, and set himself in the Posset, which he found so scalding, that he cried out Help, help, the devil's in the Privy: thus was the Servants deceived, the Goodman scared and scalded, and the Posset most unluckily spoiled and defiled. 26. Music. THree or four Gentlemen being merry with drink and discourse in a Tavern, a Musician proffered them Music, which was denied; within a little time after another asked the same question, Gentlemen, will you have any Muficke? The Gentlemen began to be angry, saying, they were Music to themselves, and of themselves, and bad the Fiddler get him gone; but it was not long before the third Fiddler opened their door, and peeped into the Room, with the old note, gentlemans, will you have any Music, a new Song, or a fine Lesson? The Gentlemen perceiving that no denial would satisfy their intruding importunacy, said, dost thou hear fellow, how many are you? We are four said the Musician; Can you dance said the Gentlemen? Yes sir said the other; tha●'s well quoth the Gentlemen: so without any more bidding, the Musicians entered, and two of them played, and the other two danced four or five Dances; in conclusion the Gentlemen called for a Reckoning, and paid it; but as they were going away, one of the Fiddlers said, Gentlemen, I pray you to remember the Music, you have given us nothing yet; to whom one of the Gentlemen answered, nor will we give you any thing, for we never knew any Reason to the contrary, But always those that dance must pay the Music. 27. One hundred of Faggots. GEntlemen, the air is raw and cold, therefore 'tis not amiss to have some Faggots, as well to warm you, as to dress your meat; and first how the Faggots were gotten. There dwelled a Waterman at Greenwich, who for his meritorious and notorious Virtues, had justly purchased the Nicke-name of Bawdy-boy, by which name he was generally known, and called, and will thereby be many years to come, had in remembrance. It happened that this Fellow (working with Oars) had a Gentleman at London in his Boat, whom he carried to Gravesend; it being in a Winter-night, and Eleven of the Clock at the time of their landing, the Moon shining in her full brightness, and so calm and still was the wind, that it would not move the smoke of a Chimney, or flame of a Candle. When Bawdy-boy had landed the Gentleman, and took his fare, (which was six shillings) he told his fellow what he had received, and withal the Tide being an hour flood, and no passengers left, he thought it best to swim up emptie-boated with the stream from Gravesend to Greenwich, rather than to stay there, and spend their money; and that he doubted not, but to make some profitable purchase on the river before he got home: In which resolve they put off their Boat, and after one hours Rowing, between Greenehithe and Purfleete they overtook an Hoy, or great Boat, loaden with as good Kentish faggots as Christendom could yield: the Hoy-man driving and whistling up in the calm stream, and the light Moonshine, to whom Bawdy-boy called, and asked him if he would sell him one Hundred of Faggots? The Hoy-man answered, saying, they are not mine to sell, I am but hired to bring them to London for a Woodmonger that dwells there. My Friend (quoth Bawdy-boy) what though they are none of thine to sell, yet thou may'st let me have one Hundred of them, and make thy Master believe they were mis-told to thee; or else thou may'st mis-tell one Hundred in the delivery of them; 'tis twenty to one they will never be missed amongst so many. This gentle and grave counsel began to work upon the tender conscience of the Faggot-man, insomuch that the bargain was struck, that for Five Shillings Bawdy-boy should have one Hundred of Faggots. In brief, the Faggots were taken into the Wherrie, and the Faggot-seller expected Five shillings; to whom Bawdy-boy said, (Friend) I do see a Faggot with a crooked stick in it, which stick will be to me of more worth than three Faggots, for a use that I would put it to: I pray thee let me have it, and I will give thee one of my faggots back again for it; the other replied, that he would do him that kindness, though it were troublesome to him to remove a dozen or twenty Faggots that lay about it: So whilst the fellow was busy to get the crooked-stickefaggot, Bawdy-boy thrust himself off with his Boat and one Hundred of Faggots: At the last the Hoy-man came to the Hoys side, and perceiving his Merchant to be gone, he called to him, saying, Ho friend, com● hither, here is the Faggot with the crooked stick: To whom Bawdy-boy replied, saying, it is no matter, I have better bethought myself, I will make a shift without it: the other called again, and said, thou hast nor paid me for my Faggots, I know it well quoth the other, nor will I pay thee any thing; thou art a Thief, and a notable Rogue, and I will pay thy Master, who is an honest Gentleman, and he shall know what a Rogue you are, and so I leave you. Courteous Reader, I would entreat you to read this pleasant discourse of One hundred of Faggots, before that of Great and small Oysters, for so it should be placed. Thus Gentlemen, you have seen your Cheer, and you know you are welcome; I am persuaded that you could not have had so good diet (as is before related) at any sixpenny Ordinary, though it were in the North, where Victuals are cheapest: here hath been variety without Ebriety, I promised you at first, that I would not take your stomaches from you, and that you should go away as sober as you came, wherein I hope I have kept my word, and so you are welcome Gentlemen: Only here is a Bill of Fare to satisfy your minds, or to be a Precedent foe you, when you have occasion to make a Feast, and how to provide for every man's Palate. A Bill of Fare, invented by the choicest Palates of our time, both for Worth and Wit, wherein are appointed such Rare and Admirable Dishes, as are not to be had every where; and may be expected daily at the Five pound Ordinary: as it came to my hands I give it you freely (Gentlemen) with some Addition of Dishes of mine own. Four Phantasmaes', two boiled and two roasted. One Dish of Cadulsets. A stewed Torpedo. One Dish of Andovians. One Phoenix in white Broth. One fore-legge of a Green Dragon baked. Four Pelican Chickens. Two Dottrells broiled. A Dish of Elephants Pettitoes. A Rhinorsceros boiled in Allecant. A Calf's Head roast with a Pudding in the belly. A soused Owl. A Dish of Irish Hearts Horn boiled into Jelly, with a golden Horse-shoe dissolved in it. One Lobster fried in steaks. Nine Soles of a Goose. Three els of a Jackanapes tail. Two Cockatrices. Two dried Sallamanders. One boiled Ele-pie. A Dish of Quishquillions. A Dish of Modicums boiled with Bonum. A Dish of Bounties with Sorrellsoppes. A Gull pickled. A Tantablin with an Onion. A Salad of Goose-grease and Chickweed-fruite. A West-India Cheese. One Hundred of CoakerNuts. Fifty Pineapples. Twelve Palmitaes. FINIS.