Wit and Mirth,  
Chargeably collected out of Taverns, Ordinaries, Inns, Bowling Green's, and Allies, Alehouses, Tobacco shops, Highways, and Water-passages.  
Made up, and fashioned into Clinches, Bulls, Quirks, Yerkes, Quips, and jerkes.  
Apothegmatically bundled up and garbled at the request of old john Garrets Ghost.  
By john Taylor, Water-Poet.  
Printed at London for Henry Gosson, and are to be sold at Christ-Church gate.  
1628.   

TO THE TRULY Loyal hearted, learned, well-accomplished Gentleman, Mr. Archibald Rankin.  
SIR,  
Being enjoined by the Ghost or Genius of old john Garret, (a man well known and beloved) to collect, glean, or gather, a bundle or truss of Mirth, and for his sake to bestrow the stage of the melancholy world with it; and withal to present it to some one generous spirit, who was old john's friend; I thought upon many to whom I might have made my Dedication, who were both Royal, Honourable, Worshipful, and all well-affected towards him: As to mention one for all, that 〈◊〉 of the world, & richest gem of her sex, that Magazine of the two inestimable jewels, Patience and Fortitude; to that illustrious peerless Princess I might have recommended it, to whose service, and for whose happiness, his life and best endeavours, with his prayers and implorations at his death, were unfeignedly consecrated. But my manners conceiving the subject of this Book, of altogether to trivial a nature to be sheltered under the shadow of the wings of transcendent and admired Majesty; I stepped so many steps down the stairs with my invention, where by good fortune I met with you, whom I knew did love that old honest mirror of mirth, deceased; and whom the world better knows, are a true devoted friend to honest harmless mirth; and laudable recreation.  
I therefore entreat you, that (when your more serious affairs will permit) you would bestow the looking upon these my poor and beggarly wardrobe of witty lefts, whom I dare not call Apothegms.  
And because I had many of them by relation and hearsay, I am in doubt that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I do assure you is more than I do know; which if it be so, I pray you but to connive or tolerate, and let the Authors make twice as bold with me at any time.  
Thus wishing every one to mend one, whereby the rent and torn garments of Threadbare Time may be well and merrily patched and repaired, craving your pardon, with my best wishes, I remain  
Yours ever in the best of my best 〈◊〉. JOHN TAYLOR.   

JOHN GARRETS GHOST.  
THE doors and windows of the Heavens were barred,  
And Night's black Curtain, like an Ebon Robe,  
From Earth did all Celestial light discard,  
And in sad darkness clad the ample Globe;  
Dead midnight came, the Cats'gan catterwaule,  
The time when Ghosts and Goblins walk about;  
Bats fly, Owls shrick, & dismal Dogs do bawl,  
Whiles conscience clear securely sleeps it out.  
At such a time I sleeping in my bed,  
A vision strange appeared unto my sight,  
Amazement all my senses over spread,  
And filled me full with terror and affright.  
A merry grave aspect me thought he had,  
And one he seemed that I had often seen:  
Yet was he in such uncouth shape y clad,  
That what he was I could not wistly ween.  
His cloak was Sack, but not the Sack of 〈◊〉,  
Canara, Mallago, or sprightful Shery,  
But made of Sackcloth, such as bears the grain,  
Good salt, & coals, which makes the Potter's weary  
Laced round about with plaited wheaten straw,  
For which he nothing to the Silkman owed:  
A wearing never mentioned in the Law,  
And yet far off, like good gold lace it showed.  
Lined was his mantle with good Essex plush,  
Pied Calf's skins, or Veal satin, which you will:  
It never was worn threedbare with a brush,  
I (naturally) saved the labour still.  
A hat like Grantham steeple, for the crown  
Or Pyramid was large in altitude:  
With frugal brim, whereby he still was known  
From other men amongst a multitude,  
A Prince's shoe, he for a jewel wore,  
Two ribbons, and a feather in his beaver,  
Which shape me thought I oft had seen before,  
Yet out of knowledge where, as't had been never.  
He in his hand a flaming torch did hold,  
(And as he nearer did approach to me)  
My hair began stand on end, fear struck me cold,  
Fear not, I am john Garrets ghost, quoth he.  
I come to rouse thy dull and lazy Muse  
From idleness, from Lethe's hateful lake:  
And therefore stand upon no vain excuse,  
But rise, and to thy tools thyself betake.  
Remember me, althongh my carcase rot,  
Write of me, to me, call me Fool or jester,  
But yet I pray thee (Tailor) rank me not,  
Among those knaves that do the world bepester,  
Thou wrot'st of Great Otoole and Coriat,  
Of brave Sir Thomas Parsons, Knight o'th' Sun,  
And Archy hath thy verse to glory at,  
And yet for me thou nought hast ever done.  
Write that in Ireland, I in Mars his train,  
Long time did under noble Norris serve:  
Where (as I could) I stood 'gainst Pope and Spain,  
Whilst some were slain, & some with want did starve  
Where shot, & wounds, & knocks, I gave and took  
Until at last half maimed as I was,  
A man decrepit, I those wars forsook  
And (with my Pass) did to my Country pass.  
Where getting health, I then shook hands with death,  
And to the Court I often made resort.  
Where England's mighty Queen Elizabeth  
Allowed me entertainment for disport.  
Then by the foretop did I take old time:  
Then were not half so many fools as now,  
Then was my 〈◊〉, and my only prime,  
My purse receiving what my wit did plow.  
Then in such compass I my jests would hold,  
That though I gave a man a gird or twain:  
All his revenge would be to give me gold,  
With commendations of my nimble brain.  
Thus lived I till that gracious Queen deceased,  
Who was succeeded by a famous King:  
In whose blessed Sons reign (I with years oppressed)  
Me to my grave, sickness and death did bring.  
And now (kind jack) thou seest my airy form  
Hath shaken off her jail of flesh and bone,  
Whilst they remain the feast of many a worm.  
My better part doth visit thee alone.  
And as between us still, our good requests,  
Thou never me. I never thee denied:  
So for my sake collect some merry jests,  
Whereby sad time may be with mirth 〈◊〉.  
And when 'tis written find some good man forth,  
One (as thou thinkst) was when I lived my friend:  
And though thy lines may be but little worth,  
Yet unto him my duty recommend,  
So farewell 〈◊〉, dame Luna begins to rise,  
The twinkling stars begin to borrow light:  
Remember this my suit I thee advise,  
And so once more good honest jack good-night.  
With that more swifter than a shaft from bow,  
He cut and curried through the empty air,  
Whilst I amazed with fear, as cold as snow,  
Strait felt my spirits quickly to repair.  
And though I found it but a dream indeed,  
Yet for his sake of whom I dreamt then,  
I left my bed, and clothed myself with speed,  
And presently betook me to my pen:  
Clear was the morn, and Phoebus lent me light,  
And (as it followeth) I began to write.   

Wit and Mirth.  

(1)  
Myself carried an old fellow by water, that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scavenger; the water being somewhat rough, he was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers,) 〈◊〉 threatened me, that if I did drown him, he would spend a hundred pound, but he would 〈◊〉 me hanged for it; I desired him to be quiet and fear nothing, and so in litlle space I landed him at the Bear's College on the Bankside, alias Paris Garden,) Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for it the Boat had miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose.   

(2)  
AN old 〈◊〉 (at the repairing of a Church) was writing sentences of Scripture upon the walls, by chance a friend of mine came into the Church, and reading them perceined much false English: Old man, said my friend, why do you not write true English? Alas Sir (quoth the Painter) they are 〈◊〉 simple people in this Parish, and they will not go to the cost of it.   

(3)  
TWo men being 〈◊〉 at a Table, one against the other the one of them having a cup in his hand, drank to the other, saying, Here Opposite I will drink to you: Opposite, said the other (being angry) what is that, I would not have thee put any of thy nicknames upon me, for thou shalt well know that I am no more opposite than thyself, or the skin 〈◊〉 thy brows.   

(4)  
A Wealthy Monsieur in France, (having profound 〈◊〉, and 〈◊〉 brain) was told by his man that 〈◊〉 did continually gape in his sleep: at which he was angry with his man, saying, he would not believe it: his man 〈◊〉 it to 〈◊〉 true, his master said that he would never believe any that told him so, except (quoth he) I chance to see it with mine own eyes: and therefore I will have a great Looking-glass hanged at my bed's 〈◊〉 for the purpofe, to try whether thou art a lying knave or not.   

(5)  
THe said 〈◊〉 commanded his man to buy him a grey hat, with a button in the 〈◊〉 to button it up behind: his man bought him one, & brought him, he put it on his head with the button before, which when he looked in the glass and saw, he was very angry saying, thou cross 〈◊〉 knave, did I not 〈◊〉 thee buy a hat with the button to hold it up behind, and thou hast brought me one that turns up before: I command thee once more go thy ways, and 〈◊〉 me such a one as I would have, 〈◊〉 it cost me.   

(6)  
THe same Gallent as 〈◊〉 traveled, would have a Goose to his Supper, which when she was 〈◊〉 and brought to the Table, he said she 〈◊〉: not so, I hope, said the 〈◊〉, it cannot be, for I am sure she was alive since you came into the house: That may be quoth the 〈◊〉, but then I am sure 〈◊〉 you killed her when she was 〈◊〉, she would never stink so else.   

(7)  
AN exceeding tall Gentlewoman was riding behind a very short little man, so that the man's head reached no higher than her breast, which the aforesaid 〈◊〉 perceiving, said, Madam you will ride a great deal better, if you put your leg 〈◊〉 that same pummel of your saddle.  
Another time he chanced to meet a Lady of his acquaintance, and asked her how she did, and how her good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉; at which word she wept, saying, that her Husband was in heaven; in 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, it is the 〈◊〉 time that I 〈◊〉 of it, 〈◊〉 I am 〈◊〉 for it with all my heart.   

(8)  
ONce the said 〈◊〉 saw a 〈◊〉 that had a jack Daw to sell: Sirrah quoth he what wilt thou take for thy daw? 〈◊〉 (said the 〈◊〉) the price of my Daw is two French Crowns. Wherefore (said the other) dost thou ask so much for him? the fellow replied, that the Daw could speak French, Italian, Spanish, Dutch and Latin; all which tongues he will speak after he is a little acquainted in your Lordship's house: Well quoth he, bring thy Daw in, and there is thy money. In conclusion, jack Daw (after a month or five 〈◊〉 time) never spoke otherwise then his father 〈◊〉 Kaw Kaw: whereat the 〈◊〉 said, that the Knave had cozened him of his money; but it is no matter, there is no great 〈◊〉 in it: for quoth he, though my Daw do not speak yet I am in good hope that he thinks the more.   

(9)  
ANother time he commanded his man to buy some sweet thing to burn in his Chamber, for (quoth he) my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in a paper, and 〈◊〉 he was going for fire, his master tasted of it, and finding it stick in his teeth, and relish very bitter, he called his man cozening knave, that would bring him such bitter trash for his money; and strait ways commanded 〈◊〉 to buy a pound of the best sugar, and burn it strait to sweeten and perfume his Chamber.   

(10)  
THis Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing, and many times when he had lost all his money, than he would pawn his cloak, and so go home without either cloak or coin, which grieved the Lady his mother very much: for remedy whereof, she caused all his doublets (of what stuff soever) to be made with 〈◊〉 painted backs, whereon was fashioned 2 fools, which caused the gentleman ever after to keep his cloak on his back, for fear two of the three should be discovered.   

(11)  
Will Backstead the Player cast his Chamber-lye out of his window in the night, which chanced to light upon the heads of the watch passing by; who angrily said, who is that offers us this abuse? Why, 〈◊〉 Will, who is there? Who is here, said one of the pickled watchmen, we are the Watch. The Watch, quoth William, why my friends you know, Harm watch, harm catch.   

(12)  
A Cardinal of Rome had a goodly 〈◊〉 house new built, but the broken bricks, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and sush rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings lay confusedly in heaps and scattered here and there: The Cardinal demanded of his Suruayor wherefore the rubbish was not conveyed away: The Suruayor said; that he purposed to hire an hundred carts for the purpose. The Cardinal replied, that the charge of Carts might be saved, for a pit might digged in the ground and bury it. My Lord, said the Suruayor, I pray you what shall we 〈◊〉 with the earth which we dig out of the said pit? Why you horseson 〈◊〉, said the Cardinal, 〈◊〉 thou not dig the pit 〈◊〉 enough, and bury all together.   

(13)  
A Poor Country man praying 〈◊〉 Superstitious before an old Image of S. Loy, the Image suddenly fell down upon the poor man, and bruised his bones sorely, that he could not stir abroad in a 〈◊〉 after; in which space the cheating Priests 〈◊〉 set 〈◊〉 a new Image: the country man came to the Church again, and 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 off, to the new Image, saying, Although thou smilest and lookest fair upon me yet thy father played me such a knavish prank lately, that I'll beware how I 〈◊〉 too near thee, lest thou shouldest have any of thy Father's unhappy qualities.   

(14)  
A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ten 〈◊〉 in suit of Law, had a trial at 〈◊〉, where the 〈◊〉 went on her side; whereupon 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 presently 〈◊〉 her 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 some of her nearest tenants & 〈◊〉 to supper; amongst whom was a plain down right country 〈◊〉, to whom the Lady said, 〈◊〉, I think I have tickled my adversary now, though it were long first, I trow he will make no brags of his meddling with me. The honest 〈◊〉 replied, Truly Madam I did ever think what it would come to at last, for I knew when he first meddled with your 〈◊〉, that he had a wrong Sow by the 〈◊〉.   

(15)  
ONe asked a 〈◊〉 what the Westminster Hall was like; Marry, quoth the other, it is like a Butler's Box at Christmas amongst 〈◊〉, for whosoever loseth, the Box will be sure to be a winner.   

(16)  
A Proper Gentlewoman went to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a rich 〈◊〉 that had more gout then good manners, at her taking leave he requested her to taste a cup of Canara: She (contrary to his expectation) took him at his 〈◊〉, and thanked him. He commanded jeffrey Starveling his man to wash a glass, and fill it to the Gentlewoman. Honest 〈◊〉 filled a great glass about the bigness of two Tailor's thimbles, and gave it to his master, who kissed it to save cost, and gave it to the Gentlewoman, saying 〈◊〉 it was good Canara of six years old at the least, to whom she an sweared, (seeing the quantity so small) sir, as you requested me, I have tasted your wine, but I wonder that it should be so little, being of such a great age.   

(17)  
A Soldier upon his march found a horse-shoe, and stuck it at his girdle, where passing through a wood, some of the enemy lay in 〈◊〉, and one of them discharged his musket, and the shot by fortune light against the fellow's horse-shoe. A ha, 〈◊〉. he, I perceive that little armour will serve a man's turn, if it be put on in the right place.   

(18)  
ONe being in a 〈◊〉 with his friend, looking out at the window, he saw one riding on a horse in the street, said he, do you see that horse? yea, 〈◊〉. the other: then said he, you may swear you have seen the best horse in England: how do you know that said the other? I know it well, said he, for it is my horse, and I am sure that he is the best, and yet I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that I have one in my stable worth ten of him.   

(19)  
AN unhappy boy that kept his father's 〈◊〉 in the country, did use to carry a pair of Cards in his pocket, and meeting with boys as good as himself, would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny, or English one and thirty; at which sport he would some days lose a sheep or two: for which if his father corrected him, he (in revenge) would drive the sheep home at night over a narrow bridge, where some of them falling besides the bridge, were drowned in the swift brook. The old man being wearied with his ungracious dealing, complained to a justice, thinking to affright him from doing any more the like. In brief, before the 〈◊〉 the youth was brought, where (using small reverence, and less 〈◊〉,) the justice said to him, Sirrah, you are a notable villain, you play at Cards, and lose your father's sheep at one and thirty. The boy replied, that it was a lie. A lie, quoth the justice, you saucy knave, dost thou give me the 〈◊〉 No, qd the boy I gave not you the lie, but you told me the lie, for I never lost Sheep at one and thirty, for when my game was one and thirty I always won. Indeed, said the justice, thou sayest true, but I have another accusation 〈◊〉 thee, which is, that you drive 〈◊〉 father's sheep over a narrow bridge, where some of them are oftentimes drowned: That's a lie too, quoth the 〈◊〉, for 〈◊〉 that go over the bridge are well enough, it is only those that fall beside: which are drowned: Whereto the justice said to the boy's father. Old man, thou 〈◊〉 brought in to false accusations against thy 〈◊〉, for he never lost sheep at one and thirty, nor were there ever any drowned that went over the bridge.   

(20)  
A Quiblet.  
A 〈◊〉 passing through a room where a Woman was 〈◊〉 a buck of clothes, but he thinking she had been 〈◊〉, saw a dish, and dipped some small 〈◊〉 of the Lie, which he supposing to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, drank up, and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉, spt, 〈◊〉, and spawl: the 〈◊〉 asked him 〈◊〉 he 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 told her, and called her some 〈◊〉 names, saying, he had swallowed Lie, Nay then I cannot blame you to be angry, for you being a Soldier and a Captain, it must 〈◊〉 trouble your stomach to swallow the Lye.   

(21)  
A Country fellow (that had not walked much in streets that were paved) came to London, where a dog came 〈◊〉 out of a house, and furiously ran 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 stooped to take up a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the Dog, and finding them all 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or paved in the ground; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 strange Country am I in, 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 tie up the 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 let the dogs loose.   

(22)  
AN honest Mayor of a Town, being all Mercy and no justice, loving ease and quietness, and unwilling to commit any offence or offender, one said of him that he was like the herb john in a pottag pot, for that herb did not give any taste at all either good or bad, but an excellent 〈◊〉: so the Mayor did neither good nor harm, but (as an image of a Mayor's authority) filled up the room.   

(23)  
A justice of the Peace, being angry with a pilfering Knave, said, Sirrah, if thou dost not mend thy manners, thou wilt be shortly 〈◊〉, or else I will be hauged for thee. The bold knave replied, I thank your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to be out of the way when I shall have occasion so use you.   

(24)  
Certain justices of the Peace being informed of the odious abuses daily committed by drunkenness in their jurisdictions, did according to their places and duties, meet at a market town, and sat two days, hearing informations, and working reformations: at last they concluded that the Ale and Beer were too strong, and therefore commanded that from thence forth smaller drink should been brewed, whereby these unruly people might sometimes go to bed sober. But one mad tosspot fellow being much grieved at this order, having made himselie half pot-shaken, without fear or wit came to the justices, and asked them if they had sat two days about the brewing of small drink: to whom one of the justices replied, yes: Why then quoth the 〈◊〉, I pray you sit three days more to know who shall drink it, for I will none of it.   

(25)  
THere was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes, who was counselled by his Physicians to forbear drinking of wine: but he said he neither could nor would forbear it, maintaining it for the lesser suill, to shut up the windows of his body, then to suffer 〈◊〉 house to fall down, through want of reparations.   

(26)  
Upon the death of Queen Elizabeth, there was a Mayor of a Country Town sitting in consultation with his Brethren: to whom he gravely said, My Brethren and Neighours, I 〈◊〉 hear that the Queen is dead, wherefore I thought it exceeding 〈◊〉 we should despair to this place, that being dissembled together, we might consult of our estates, for I doubt 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shalt have another Queen or a King, and I stand in great fear that the people will be unrude, so that we shall been in danger of strange Resurrection,   

(27)  
ANother Mayor that was on hunting, (by chance) one asked him how he liked the Cry: a pox take the Dogs, saith he, they make such a bawling that I cannot hear the Cry.   

(28)  
AN old justice was fast a sleep on the Bench when a 〈◊〉 Malefactor was judged to be hanged; at which word the justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thief, My friend, I pray let this be a warning to you, look you do so no more, for we do not show every man the like favour.   

(29)  
AN old Recorder of a City in this Land was busy with a Country Mayor, in the mean space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing of a man: my Lord asked the fellow's name, who answered, his name was Gilman. Said my Lord, take away G, and thy name is Ilman put K to it, thy name is Kilman, and put to Sparke and thy name is Spilman, thou art half hanged already (as the proverb says:) for thou hast au ill name, let a man vary it how he can.  
The Mayor all this while stood by musing at my Lords canvasing the man's name, and afterward being at home among his own good people, he had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with child: Master Mayor asked him his name: the fellow said, if it please your worship my name is johnson. Then Master Mayor (striving to Imitate my Lord) said, take away G and thy name is Ilman, put K to it, it is Kilman, put Sparke to it, and thy name is Spilman, thou art a knave, thou hast an ill name, and 〈◊〉 shalt been hanged, etc.   

(30)  
A Quiblet.  
MAster Field the Player riding up Fleetstreet, a great pace, a Gentleman called him, and asked him what play was played that day: he (being angry to be 〈◊〉 upon so frivolous a demand) answered, that he might see what play was to been played upon every Post, I cry you mercy (said the Gentleman) I took you for a Post, you road so fast   

(31)  
ONe being 〈◊〉 vexed with the spirit of jealousy, came suddenly into his house, and found a man (whom he suspected) some what too busy with his wife; to whom he said, Now good fellow I thank thee, for thou hast cured me of a strange hellish torment; my suspicion is cleared, and apparent knowledge hath given me such ease of heart, that I will be jealous no more.   

(32)  
A Skilful Painter was requested to paint out a fair Courtesan (in plain English a Whore) I pray you spare that 〈◊〉, said the Painter, for if she be a right whore she daily paints herself.   

(33  
SEigneur Valdrino (paymaster to the Camp of Alphonsus King of Arragon) a man exquisite in courtship and compliment; as two or three were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was, a blunt bold Captain asked what was the matter: why Captain, said one, 〈◊〉 are laying a wager what Countryman my L. Treasurer Valdrino is: Oh said the Captain, I can tell you that, I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise, for I have served the King in his 〈◊〉 these seven years without pay, and ever when I petition to my Lord, he pays me with no coin but promises, which makes me half assured that he is that countryman.   

(34  
A Nobleman of France (as he was riding) met with a yeoman of the country, to whom he said, My friend I should know thee, I do remember I have often seen thee: My good Lord, said the Countryman, I am one of your Hovors poor tenants, and my name is T. 1. I remember thee better now (said my Lord) there were 2 brothers of you, but one is dead, I pray which of you doth remain alive?   

(35)  
THe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 man having had a 〈◊〉 that was blind, play to him after supper 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 late, at last he arose, and commanded one of his servants to light the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: to whom the 〈◊〉 said my Lord, the Harper is blind: 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, quoth my Lord, he 〈◊〉 the more 〈◊〉 of light.   

(36)  
A Young fellow 〈◊〉 himself the richest 〈◊〉 in England: to whom his Mother 〈◊〉 very angrily, you foolish 〈◊〉 boy, why 〈◊〉 thou desire such a wish, hath not 〈◊〉 own Father enough in store for thee?   

(37)  
A 〈◊〉 Rampant, made her husband a 〈◊〉 Dormant, with a front Cressant, surprised by the watch Guardant, brought to the justice 〈◊〉, with her playfellow 〈◊〉, after a curtsy Couchant; the justice told her that her offence was heinous, in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner, and that she should consider that her husband was her Head: Good sir, quoth she, I did ever acknowledge him so; and I hope it is no such great fault in me, for I was but trimming, dressing, or 〈◊〉 my Head.   

(38)  
A Man being very sickly, one said to his wife, I marvel your husband doth not wear a nightcap. Truly (quoth 〈◊〉) within this six months that my husband hath been sick, although his legs be shrunk, yet he hath outgrown all his nightcaps.   

(39)  
A 〈◊〉, whose mother was noted to be one not overladen with honesty, went to seek his Godfather, and enquiring for him, quoth one to him, who is thy Godfather: the boy replied his name is goodman Digland the Gardener: Oh said the man, if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Alehouse: but I fear thou takest God's name in vain.   

(40)  
A Scholar riding from Cambridge towards London, his horse being tired, (a lazy disease often befalling such hackneys) met a Post on the way, who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse give him place, by 〈◊〉, switch, and bridle, yet the Post was 〈◊〉 to give him the way: to whom (in anger) he said, Thou paltry fellow, dost thou not see I am a Post? The Scholar strait replied, And thou ignorant fellow, 〈◊〉 thou not see that I ride upon a Post.   

(41)  
A Fellow having more drink than wit, in a 〈◊〉 evening made a foolish vow to take the wall of as many as he met betwixt the Temple-bar and Charing cross, and coming near the Savoy, where stood a Post a little distance from the wall: the drunkard took it for a man, and would have the wall, beginning to quarrel and give the Post foul words: at which a man came by, and asked the matter, and whom he spoke to: he answered he would 〈◊〉 the wall of that fellow that stood so stiffly there: my friend said the other, that is a Post, you must give him the way: Is it so, said the fellow, a 〈◊〉 upon 〈◊〉, why did he not blow his horn?   

(42)  
A Sailor being on a tired horse, riding 〈◊〉 Dover to London, his company prayed him to ride faster: to whom he answered, I can come no faster, 〈◊〉 you 〈◊〉 see that I am be calmed?   

(43)  
TWo Gentlemen were 〈◊〉, and one of them cast away the others hat; but the other catcht his hat off, and put it on his own head: now fie, fie, quoth though other, thou spoilest my hat: wherewith said the other? Marry (said he that was bareheaded) thou spoy lest my hat with putting a Calf's head into it.   

(44)  
The figure Conversion.  
IF a Vintner doth draw me good wine upon money or credit, than he is fitter to draw then hang: but if he draw me bad wine for good money, than he is much fitter to hang then to draw.   

(45)  
A Man having been with a Doctor of Physic to have his advice about 〈◊〉 grief he had; when he came home his wife asked him what news? Marry, said he, my Physician doth counsel me to drink Asses milk every morning fasting: Why husband, quoth the Woman, I pray you tell me, doth master Doctor give suck?   

(46)  
A Brave and valiant Captain, whom I could name, had a scarce given him here in England, and he sailing over into the Low Countries, an old 〈◊〉 Catholic Lady of his acquaintance, was very importunate to beg his scarf of him: the Captain asked her what she would 〈◊〉 with it, and said, it was not fit for her wearing. She answered him, that if he would give it her, that jesus Christ should wear it in the Church upon holy days, meaning the Image, Madam, said the Captain, if you will bring me word that ever his father wore such a scarf, than I will give you this for him.   

(47)  
Between the hours of twelve and 〈◊〉 at noon, one asked me what it was a clock: I answered him, it was little or no thing. He demanded of me what I 〈◊〉 by my answer? I replied, that it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted for nought, for that which is lesser than one, is little or nothing.   

(48)  
A Gentlewoman cheapened a close 〈◊〉 in Paul's Churchyard, and the shopkéeper did ask her to much money for it, as she thought, Why mistress, said he, I pray you consider what a good lock and key it hath: She replied, that she had small use for 〈◊〉 lock or key, for 〈◊〉 purposed to put nothing into it, but what 〈◊〉 cared not who stole out.   

(49)  
A Country woman at an Asses was to take her oath against a party; the said party 〈◊〉 the judge that her 〈◊〉 might not be taken; the judge demanded why he excepted against 〈◊〉 my Lord (quoth he) she is a Recusant or Roman Catholic, and they hold it no matter of conscience to swear any thing against us. Come hither woman, said the 〈◊〉, I do not think thou art a 〈◊〉, I am persuaded that for forty shillings thou 〈◊〉 swear the Pope is a knave: Good my Lord, said she, the Pope is a stranger to me, but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship, I would swear for half the money.   

(50)  
A Cardinal kept a knavish fool for his recreation, to whom he said, Sirrah fool, suppose that all the world were dead but thou and I, and that one of us should be turned to a Horse, and the other of us to an Ass, say which of these two wouldst thou choose to be? The fool answered, Sir, you are my master, and for that 〈◊〉 it is fit that your worship should choose first, and I will be contented to take that which you leave. Why then said the Cardinal, I would be a horse: no said the fool, let me entreat your worship to be an Ass, for I would be an Ass to choose of all things: why quoth the Cardinal? marry, said the fool because that I have known many Asses come to be 〈◊〉, but I néuer knew any horse come to the like 〈◊〉.   

(51)  
A Grave discreet Gentleman having a comely wife, whose beauty and free behaviour did 〈◊〉 her honesty into suspicion, by whom he had a 〈◊〉 almost at man's estate, of very dissolute and wauton carriage: I muse, said one, that a man of such stayed and moderate gravity should have a son of such a contrary and froward disposition. Sir, 〈◊〉 another, the reason is that his pate is stuffed with his mother's wit, that there is no room for any of his father's wisdom: besides the 〈◊〉 of her heels is gotten into her son's brains.   

(52)  
A Rich Grazier dwelling 150 miles from Oxford, having a son that had seven years been a student there, at last sent for him home, to whom he said, Son I do hear that you are well practised in the rudiments of learning, but that withal you are addicted to an idle vein of the poor and thréedbare art of Poetry; which I charge thee to leave and avoid, as thou 〈◊〉 my favour. for my mind is not to have thee live beggarly, and dye poorly; yet I will ask 〈◊〉 one Poetical question, which is. Wherefore thinkest thou that so beautiful a creature as Venus, was so besotted to match herself with so ill favoured a knave as Vulcan: In truth 〈◊〉, quoth the young man, I can yield you no reason for it, but I wonder at it; and yet I do admire as much wherefore my mother married with you.   

(53)  
A Man going with his Wife by a deep river side, began to talk of Cockolds, and withal he 〈◊〉 that every Cuckold were cast into the river: to whom his wife replies, husband I pray you learn to swim.   

(54)  
A Man riding through a village with his dog tunning by him, which dogs name was called Cuckold, leaping and frisking into every house he passed by where the 〈◊〉 was 〈◊〉: whereupon the man being afraid his dog would be lost, calls and whistels, here, here, Cuckold; to whom an old woman said, whom dost thou miscall? I would have thee know that no cuckold doth dwell in this house. Good Woman, said the man, you mistake me, I do call no body but my dog; Now out upon thee thou misbeléeving kuave, said she, where learnedest thou that manners to call a dog by a christian bodies name.   

(55)  
A Lusty Miller that in his younger days had been much given to the flesh and the devil; so that not one pretty maid or female servant did or could bring grist to his Mill to be ground, but the knave 〈◊〉 would do his best to undermine and blow up their chastity, and withal he would bargain with as many as his temptations overcame, that at his day of marriage every one of them should give him a Cake. In process of time the Miller was married, and those foresaid 〈◊〉- hearted Wenches sent each one their cakes, to the number of 99 His wife the bride, who also went for a maid, did muse and ask what was the meaning of so many Cakes? The miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling: to whom his wife answered, If I had been so wise in bargaining as you have beeve in your time, the young men of my acquaintance would have sent me 100 cheeses to 〈◊〉 with your cakes.  

This bawdy Miller in a trap was catcht,  
Nor only married, but most fitly matched:  
In this the proverb is approved plain,  
What bread men break is broke to them again.    

(56)  
THere was a fair ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower wharf at london, where a Conntryman passing by most earnestly looked on the said ship, and demanded how old she was: one made answer that she was a year old. Good Lord bless me, said the Countryman, is she so big 〈◊〉 in one year, what a greatness will she be by that time she comes to my age.  

This man's blind ignorance I may compare  
To Aquavitae given to a Mare:  
Let each man his own calling then apply,  
Ne suitor ultra crepidam, say I.    

(57  
Twelve Scholars riding together, one of them said, my masters let us ride faster: Why, quoth another, me thinks we ride a good pace, 〈◊〉 warrant it is four mile an hour. Alas said the first, what is four mile an hour amongst all us.  

Let not man boast of wit or learning deep,  
For ignorance may out of knowledge creep  
A mongst 12 men 4 mile an hour to ride.  
He that hath wit to each his share divide.    

(58)  
AN Apprentice in the market did ask the price of an hundred Oysters: his friend persuaded him not to buy them, for they were too small; too small replied the Apprentice, there is not much loss in that for I shall have the more to the hundred.  

If up the hill a measured mile it be,  
Then down the hill's another mile, I see:  
A groat to pay, 4 pence will quit the cost.  
What's won in t'hundred, in the shire is lost.    

(59)  
Fix Gentlemen riding together, were in doubt that they were out of their way, wherefore they road a flightshot to an old shepherd, one of them enquiring of him if that were the way to such a town, and how far it was thither. Sir, quoth the Shepherd, that is the right way, and you have six miles thither. Quoth one of the Gentlemen, What a lying old knave art thou, it cannot be above four miles: the Shepherd replied, Sir you offer like a chapman, and you shall have it for four miles, but I'll assure you it shall cost every one of these Gentlemen six miles before they come thither.  

Here rashness did the Gallants tongue oreslip,  
To whom the Shepherd gave a pleasing nip:  
Thus softest fire doth make the sweetest Malt,  
And mild reproofs makes rashness see his fault.    

(60)  
A Man was very angry with his maid, because his eggs were boiled too hard: truly, said she, I have made them boil a long hour, but the next you have shall boil 2 hours but they shall be tender enough.  

The boiling of this wench's eggs I find  
Much like unto a greedy miser's mind:  
The eggs the more they boil are harder still  
The mizer's full, too full; yet wants his fill.    

(61)  
TWo learned good. fellows drinking a pipe of Tobacco, it being almost outthat he that drunk last did partly feel the ashes to come hot to his lips; giving the pipe to his friend, said, Ashes to ashes: the other taking the pipe and (being of a quick apprehension, threw it out to the dunghill saying, Earth to earth.  

Thus wit with wit agrees like cake & cheese  
Both sides are gainers, neither side doth less  
〈◊〉 begets conceit, jest, jest doth father  
And butter fall'n to 〈◊〉, doth something gather,    

(62)  
ONe said a Citizen was a man all in earnest, and in no part like a jest, because the Citizen was never bad, or the jest never good till they were both broke,  

What's one man's yea, may be another's nay,  
The Sun doth soften wax, and harden clay:  
Some Citizens are like to jests, for why,  
They'll break in jest, or bankrupt policy.    

(63)  
A Gallant with a galloping wit, was mounted upon a running horse toward a Town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and riding at full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, Sirrah is this the way to Tame? yes sir, he replied, your Horse, I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the devil.  

This is a riddle to a fool, me thinks,  
And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx,  
But 〈◊〉, in my book I hold it fit,  
To find you lines, yourself must find you wit.    

(64)  
A Complemental Courtier that in his French, Italian, and Spanish cringes, 〈◊〉, and curtelies, would bend his body, and bow every way like a tumbler, a Mercere servant espying his marmositicall 〈◊〉, said, Oh if my master could have bowed but half so much; I am certainly persuaded that he had never broke.  

Too much of one thing oft proves good for nothing,  
And dainties in satiety, breeds loathing:  
Th'ones flattery mingled with the others pride,  
Had served them both, both might line long unspide.    

(65)  
I Myself gave a book to King james once in the great Chamber at Whitehall as his Majesty came from the Chapel, the Duke of Richmond said merrily unto me, Taylor where did you learn the manners to give the King a book and not knéel? My Lord, said I, if it please your Grace, I do give now, but when I beg any thing than I will kneel.  

Be it to all men by these presents known,  
Men need not kneel to give away there own  
I'll stand upon my feet when as I give,  
And kneel when as I beg more means to live,  
But some by this may understand.  
That Courtier's 〈◊〉 kneel then stand.    

(66)  
THe trained soldiers of a certain Shire which I could name, to the number of 6000, as they were mnstring and drilling under their several captain, a yeoman's son being there as a raw soldier in his corslet, his father standing by said, I vaith it does me much good at heart to see how trim a vellow my son is in his hardness. The young fellow hearing his father's commendations of him, began very desperately to shake his pike, and looking exceeding grim, with a 〈◊〉 horrible terrible countenance, said, O father, chad lather nor a groat that all we had but one Spainard here.  

One Spainard mongst 6000, pity 'twere,  
Better ten thousand Britain's bold were there  
Led by brave Leaders, that might make Spain e quake,  
Like Vere, or Morgan, Essex, Blunt, or Drake.    

(67)  
ONe said that he could never have his health in Cambridge, and that 〈◊〉 he had lived there till this time, he thought in his conscience that he had died 7 years ago.  

I will not say the man that spoke so lied,  
Seven years ago, no doubt, he might have died  
He by his trade perhaps might be a dyer,  
And daily died to live, and been no liar.    

(68)  
A Country fellow was much grieved that he had not gone seven miles to a market town to have seen the 〈◊〉: Why, said his wife, it is too far to go and come in a day to see such babbles, especially 'tis too great a journey on foot. O quoth he, I could have gone thither with my neighbour Hobson on foot, like a fool as I was, and I might have rid back upon my neighbour jobsons' mare, like an ass as I am.  

Thus in the preter tense a fool he was,  
And in the present tense he is an Ass;  
And in the future, fool and ass shall be,  
That goes or rides so far such sights to see.    

(69)  
THere was a 〈◊〉 young Scholar preferred to a 〈◊〉 in the Country, and commonly on Sundays and holidays after evening prayer he would have a dozen bouts at 〈◊〉 with the 〈◊〉 youths in his parish: The Bishop of the Diocese hearing of it, sent for the parson, telling him that this beseemed not his profession and gravity, and if that he did not desist from that 〈◊〉 kind of exercise, he would unbenefice him; Good my Lord, said the person) I beseech you to conceive rightly of me, and I doubt not but my playing 〈◊〉 will be accounted tolerable, for I do it 〈◊〉 purpose to 〈◊〉 the ruder sort of my people: How so, said the Bishop; Marry my Lord (quoth the Parson) whatsoever I do teach them at morning and evening prayer, I do heat sound into their 〈◊〉 at cudgels afterward, for their better remembrance.  

I wish that all the Fencers in our nation,  
Were only of this Parson's congregation:  
That he his life and doctrine should explain  
By beating them, whilst they beat him again.    

(70)  
A judge upon the Bench did ask an old man how old he was: My Lord, said he, I am eight and fourscore: And why not fourscore and eight, said the judge: the other replied, because I was eight before I was fourscore.  

Eight's before eighty, all men may descry,  
Yet we name eighty first, contrarily:  
Pull off my Boots and Spurs, I you beseech.  
when Spurs & Boots is rather 〈◊〉 speech    

(71)  
A Fellow made his boast that he road 220 miles with one horse and never drew bit: that may be quoth another) perhaps you rid him with a halter.  

The proverb says, he that will swear will lie,  
He that will lie will steal by consequency:  
Swearers are liars, liars most are thieves,  
Or God help jailors, & true Vndershrieves.    

(72  
ONe saw a decayed Gentleman in a very thread bare cloak, said to him, Sir you have a very watchful cloak on: Why said the poor Gentleman the other answered, I do not 〈◊〉 it had a good nap this seven years: the Gentleman replied, and truly sir me thinks you want a nap as well as my cloak, for you talk idly for want of sleep.  

The Prodigal at Poverty doth scoff,  
Though from his back the beggar's not far off,  
Here flout with flout, and bob with bob is quitted,  
And proud vainglorions folly finely fitted    

(73)  
A Diligent and learned Preacher on a 〈◊〉 in the afternoon was preaching, whilst most of the zealous 〈◊〉 men (for their meaner edification) were fast a 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 pues: in the mean space a young child cried somewhat aloud at the lower end of the church, which the Preacher hearing, called to the Nurse, and said, Nurse, I pray thee still thy child, or else it may chance to awaken some of the best men in our parish.  

Men sleep at Sermons, sure their brains are addle,  
Sly Satan lulls them, and doth rock the cradle:  
When men thus do no ill, 'tis understood,  
The devil hinders them from doing good.    

(74)  
A Chorister or singing man at service in a Cathedral Church, was fast asleep when all his fellows were singing, which the Deane espying, sent a boy to him to waken him, and ask him why he did not sing? he being suddenly awaked, prayed the boy to thank master Deane for his kind remembrance, and to tell him that he was as merry as those that did sing.  

They say he's wise that can himself keep warm,  
And that the man that sleeps well thinks no harm,  
He sung not, yet was in a merry 〈◊〉,  
Like john Indifferent, did not harm nor good.    

(75)  
A Kind of clownish gentleman had half a Brawn sent him against Christmas, he very illiberally gave the Serving man half a shilling that brought it: the Seringman gave the Porter that carried it eight pence before the 〈◊〉 face. 〈◊〉, said he, are you so prodigal to reward the Porter with eight pence, when I give you but six pence, thou bearest the mind of a prodigal Gallant, although by thy foot thou seemest 〈◊〉 clown: Good sir, said the fellow, I confess I have a very clownish lubberly pair of feet, but yet I am persuaded that a pair of your worship's shoes would fit them well.  

Here's Boar and Brawn together are well met  
He knew that giving was no way to get,  
The world gets somewhat 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉,  
When as the 〈◊〉 gets the devil and all.    

(76)  
A Griping extortiover that had been a maker of beggars for the space of forty years, and by raising rents and oppression, had undone many families, 〈◊〉 on a time in anger to a poor fellow that had 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of his, 〈◊〉 villain, 〈◊〉 thou rob me, I vow and swear there is not so damned a rogue in the world as thou: to 〈◊〉 the fellow answered, I beseech your good worship remember yourself, and be good to me for God's sake, and for your own sake.  

This Rascal's eye is with a beam so blind,  
That in the poor man's he a moat can find:  
The wolf himself, a temperate feeder deems  
And every man too much himself esteems.    

(77)  
A Servingman and his mistress was landing at the Whitefryars stairs, the stairs being very bad, a waterman offered to help the woman, saying. Give me your hand Gentlewoman I'll help you: to whom her man replied, you 〈◊〉 fellow place your words right, my mistress is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, she is a Lady.  

All is not gold (they say) that glisters bright  
Snow is not sugar, though it look as white:  
And 'tis approved to be true and common,  
That every Lady's not a Gentlewoman.    

(78)  
A Servingman going in haste in London, (minding his 〈◊〉 more than his way) a Gallant justled him from the wall almost into the kennel: the fellow turned about, and asked the Gentleman why he did tustle him so? the Gentleman said, Because he would not give the wall to asawcy knave. The Servingman replied, your worship is not of my mind, for I will.  

Here Pride that takes Humility in snuff,  
Is well encountered with a cowterbuffe:  
One would not give the wall unto a Knave,  
The other would, and him the wall he gave.    

(79)  
A justice of the Peace was very angry with a country 〈◊〉 because 〈◊〉 came not to him at 〈◊〉 sending for him; and after he had 〈◊〉 bestowed two or three dozen of knaves upon him, he said to him; Sirrah, I will make you know that the proudest saucy 〈◊〉 that dwells under my command shall come before we when I send for him. I beseech your worship, said the man, to pardon me, for 〈◊〉 was afraid: afraid of what, said the justice? of your worship, answered, the fellow. Of me, said the 〈◊〉? why wast thou afraid of ma? Because your worship looks so like a Lion, said the man: a Lion quoth the justice? when didst thou see a Lion? may it please your worship (the fellow replied) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to 〈◊〉 market, with a white face, and his four legs bound.  

This fellow was a knave, or fool, or both,  
Or else his wit was of but slender growth:  
He gave the whitfaced Calf the Lion's stile  
the justice was a proper man the while.    

(80)  
diverse Gentlemen being merry together, at last one of their accquaintance came to them (whose name was Samson) A ha', said one of them, 〈◊〉 may be securely merry, no Sergeant or Bailiff dare touch us, for if a thousand Philistims come, here is Samson, who is able to brain them all: to whom Shampson replied. Sir I may boldly venture against so many as you speak of, provided, that you will lend me one of your jawbones.   

(81)  
TWo Plasterers being at work for me at my 〈◊〉 in Southwark, did many times patch or daub out part of their day's labour with prating, which I being digging in my garden did overhear, that their chat was of their wives, and how that if I were able (quoth one) my wife shoule ride in pomp through London, as I saw a Countess ride yesterday: why quoth the other, how did she ride I pray? Marry, said he, in state, in her horslitter: O base, quoth the other, Horslitter, I protest as poor a man as I am, I would have allowed my wife a thréepeny trust of clean straw:   

(82)  
SIr Edward Dier came to the Tower on some business just at the time as the Gate was newly shut, and the Warders going away with the keys, he looking through the gate called to one of them, saying, Ho fellow, I pray thee open the gate and let me in: None of your fellow Sir but a poor Knave: Why then said Sir, Edward, I pray thee poor Knave let me in: nay no knave neither, quoth the 〈◊〉. Why then said the knight, he was a knave that told me so.   

(83)  
ONe met his friend in the street, and told him he was very sorry to see him look so ill, ask him what he ailed: he replied, that he was now well amended, but he had been lately 〈◊〉 of the Pox: What pox, the small Pox, said his friend? Nay, quoth the other, my mind was not so base; for I had the 〈◊〉 Pox that I could get for my money.   

(84)  
AN honest Hostess of mine at Oxford roasted an old shoulder of a 〈◊〉, which in the eating was as tongh as a Buff jerkin: I did ask her what the reason was that the mutton was so tough: She said she 〈◊〉 not, except the Butcher deceived her in the age of it, and she would tell him on both sides of his 〈◊〉, like a knave as he was: Nay, quoth I, I think there is 〈◊〉 fault in it which will excuse the Butcher, for perhaps you 〈◊〉 it with old wood: in troth quoth mine hostess it is like enough, and my husband never doth other ways, but buy old 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 which makes all the meat we either roast or boil, so exceeding tough that no body can eat it.   

(85)  
ONe hearing a clock strike three when he thought it was not two, said, this Clock is like an hypocricicall Puritan, for though he will not swear, yet he will lie abominably.   

(86)  
〈◊〉 Tarleton said that he could compare Queen Elizabeth to nothing more fitly then to a Sculler, for said he, neither the Queen nor the Sculler hath a fellow.   

(87)  
TWo obstinate rich fellows in Law (that had each of them more movey than wit) by chance one of them coming out of Westminster Hall met with his adversary's wife, to whom he said, in troth good woman I do much pity your case, in that it is your hard fortune that such a fool as your husband should have so discreet and modest a wife. The woman replied, In truth Sir I do grieve more that so 〈◊〉 a wife as you have, should have such a wrangling knave to her husband.   

(88)  
A Poor labouring man was married and natched to a creature that so much used 〈◊〉 scold waking, that she had much ado to refrain it sleeping, so that the poor man was so batterfanged and belaboured with tongue mettle, that he was weary of his life: at last four or five woman that were his neighbours (pitying his case) came in his absence to his house to admonish and counsel his wife to a quiet behaviour towards her husband; telling her that she was a shame to all good woman, in her bad usage of so honest a painful man: the woman replied to her neighbours, that she thought her husband did not 〈◊〉 her which was partly the cause that she was so froward towards him; why (said an old woman) I will show thee how thou shalt prove that he loves thee dear; do thou counterfeit thyself dead and lie under the table. and one of us will fetch thy husband, and he shall find us heavy and grieving for thee; by which means thou shalt perceive by his lamentation for thee how much he loves thee: this counsel was all lowed and effected; when the poor man came home, be hearing the matter (being much oppressed with grief) can under the table bemoving the happy loss of his most 〈◊〉 vexation, and making as though he would kiss her, with a most loving embrace, to make all sure, he broke her neck. The 〈◊〉 pitying the man's extreme passion, in compassion told him that his wife was not dead, and that all this was done but to make a trial of his love towards her: whereupon they called her by her name, bidding her to rise, and that she had fooled it enough with her husband: but for all their calling, she lay still, which made one of the women to shake and jog her, at which the woman cried, alas she is dead indeed: why this it is quoth her husband to dissemble and 〈◊〉 with God and the world.   

(90)  
A Pantler of a College in Oxford possessing some crumbs of Logic and chip of 〈◊〉, making distribution of bread at the Scholar's table, one of the Scholars, complained unto 〈◊〉 that the bread was dough baked: Why, quoth he, so it should be, what else is the definition of bread but dough baked?   

(91)  
A Miserable fellow in the country, did once a year use to invite his neighbours to dinner, and as they were one time sat, he bade them welcome, saying, that there was a sirloin of beef, that the ox it came from cost 20 pound and that there was a Capon that he paid 2 〈◊〉 6 pence for in the market: at which a country yeoman sitting against the Capon 〈◊〉 to and cut off a leg of it, (the 〈◊〉 of the guests being not yet past their roast beef) to whom the man of the house said, My friend, I pray thee eat some of this same sirloin: 〈◊〉 sir, God forbid, quoth the fellow, I am but a poor man, an ox of 20 pound price is too dear meat, a Capon of half a crown will serve my turn well enough, I thank you.   

(92)  
A Rich man told his nephew, that he had read a book called Lucius Apuleius, of the Golden 〈◊〉 and that he found there how Apuleius after he had been an ass many years, by eating of 〈◊〉 he did recover his manly shape again, and was no more an ass: the young man replied to his uncle, Sir, if I were worthy to advise you, I would give you counsel to eat a salad of Roses once a week yourself.   

(93)  
A 〈◊〉 having been married but 〈◊〉 weeks, perceived his wife to been great with child, wherefore she 〈◊〉 him to 〈◊〉 a Cradle: shortly after he went to a Fair and bought ten cradles, and being demanded why he bought so many, he answered, that his wife would 〈◊〉 use for them all in one year.   

(94)  
A Gentleman untrust and unbuttoned in a cold winter morning, a friend of his told him that it was not for his health to go so open in the raw weather, and that he mused it did not kill him to go so oft untrust: to whom the other replied, Sir, you are of the mind of my Silceman, Mercer, or Tailor, for they find fault as you do because I go so much on trust, but it is a fault I have naturally from my parents and kindred, and my creditors tell me that I do imitate my betters.   

(95)  
A 〈◊〉 of the peace committed a fellow to prison, and commanded him away three or four times, but still the fellow entreated him. Sirrah (〈◊〉 the justice) must I bid you be gone 〈◊〉 many times, and will you not go? The fellow answered, Sir, if your worship had 〈◊〉 me to dinner or supper, I should in my poor manners not to have taken your offer under two or three bid, therefore I pray you blame me not if I look for four bid to prison.   

(96)  
A Great man kept a miserable house, so that his servants did always rise from the table with empty paunches, though clean licked platters: truly, said one of his men, I think my Lord will work miracles shortly, for though he practise not to raise the dead, or dispossess 〈◊〉 devil; yet he goes about to feed his great family with almost nothing.   

(97)  
ONe said that Bias the Philosopher was the first Bowler; and that ever since the most part of Bowls do in memory of their orginal, wear his badge of remambrance, and very dutiful 〈◊〉 Bias. Now to tell you, this Bias was one of the seven Sages or wise men of Greece. My authors to prove him the inventor 〈◊〉 Bowling, are Shamrooke, a famous 〈◊〉 Gimnosophist in his 9 book of 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉; of which opinion Balductus the Theban 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to be in his third treatise of court performances: the likeliest conjecture is, that it was denised as an emblem to figure out the world's folly and inconstancy; for though a child will ride a 〈◊〉 or staff with an imagination that he is on horseback; or make pies of dirt or 〈◊〉 of cards, feed with 〈◊〉 spoons, and cry for 〈◊〉 pieces of bread and 〈◊〉, which childish 〈◊〉 are ridiculous to a man: yet this wise game of Bowling doth make the fathers surpass their children, in 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and niost delicate dogtrickes. As first for the postures, 1 handle your Bowl: 2 adnance your Bowl: 3 charge your Bowl: 4 aim your Bowl: 5 discharge your Bowl: 6 ply your Bowl: in which last posture of plying your 〈◊〉, you shall perceive many varieties and divisions, as wring of the neck, lifting up of the shoulder, clapping of the hands, lying down on one side, running after the Bowl, making long 〈◊〉 scrapes and legs (sometimes bareheaded) entreating him to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 (with pox on't when 'tis too short:) and though the bowler be a Gentleman, 〈◊〉 there he may meet with attendant 〈◊〉, that sometimes will be his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to four, by his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 what house he came; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, because he being 〈◊〉 and gotten into some handsome shape, forgets the house he came of, suffering his betters to give him the often salute whilst he like 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 neither 〈◊〉 himself, nor will know his superiors. But I hold a mistress to be the fittest name for it, for there are some that are commonly termed 〈◊〉, which are not much better than mine aunts: and a 〈◊〉 is oftentimes a mark for every knave to have a 〈◊〉 at, every one strives to come so near her that he would kiss 〈◊〉: and yet some are short, some wide, and some over, and who so doth kiss, it may perhaps sweeten his lips, but I assure him it shall never fill his belly, but rather empty his purse. So much for bowling: that I fear me I have bowled 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉.   

(98)  
A Minister riding into the west parts of England, happened to stay at a village on a Sunday, where he offered kindly to bestow a sermon upon them: which the Constable hearing, did ask the 〈◊〉 if he were licenced to preach, yens quoth he that I am, and with that he drew out of a box his 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 was in Latin, truly said the Constable I understand no Latin, yet I pray you let me 〈◊〉 it, I perhaps shall pick out here and there a word: No good sir, 〈◊〉 the Minister. I will have no words 〈◊〉 out of it, for spoiling my Licence.   

(99)  
A Clinch.  
A Country man being demanded how such a River was called, that ran through their Country: he answered that they never had 〈◊〉 to call the River, for it always came without calling.   

(100)  
A Fellow having his book at the Sessions, was burnt in the hand, and was commanded to say God save the King: the King, said he, God save my Grandam, that taught me to read, I am sure I had 〈◊〉 hanged else.   

(101)  
A toy to mock an Ape.  
IN Queen Elizabeth's 〈◊〉 there 〈◊〉 a fellow that 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 in his hat, like a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and two letters: this 〈◊〉 had a 〈◊〉 from the Lord 〈◊〉 at that 〈◊〉 to travel with an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which he 〈◊〉; whereby he 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 from time to time at markets and 〈◊〉: his Ape 〈◊〉 always 〈◊〉 upon a 〈◊〉 dog and a man with a 〈◊〉 to attend 〈◊〉. It happened that these four 〈◊〉 came to a 〈◊〉 called Looe in Corwall, where the 〈◊〉 being taken, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 went about to 〈◊〉 to the people, that at such an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 an Ape of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and quality, if 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 their time and 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 him: 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, and other 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 either 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Ape-tricks, so that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to the 〈◊〉, to the great 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 an Ape's 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: 〈◊〉 collecting 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 upon the 〈◊〉, whatsoever came of it; 〈◊〉 he 〈◊〉 pen, ink, and 〈◊〉, and 〈◊〉 a warrant to the Mayor of the town, as 〈◊〉.  
These are two will and require you, and every of you, with your wives and families, that upon the sight hereof you make your personal appearance before the Queen's Ape, for it is an Ape of rank and quality, who is to be practised through her Majesty's 〈◊〉, that by his long expetience amongst her loving subjects, he may be the better enabled to do her Majesty service hereafter; and hereof fail you not, as you will answer the contrary. etc.  
This Warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a 〈◊〉 at the 〈◊〉 end of the 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 it: which when he heard, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 all his 〈◊〉, who went with him to the town 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 upon this 〈◊〉 business. 〈◊〉 after they 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of an hour, no man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 any man knowing 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: at 〈◊〉 a young man that never 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, said, Gentlemen, it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 speak, I think (without 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉) 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 this 〈◊〉; to 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 said, I pray good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 though you never did 〈◊〉 any 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, yet 〈◊〉 may speak as 〈◊〉 as some of 〈◊〉. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, said the young man, my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that this Apecarier is a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, and one that doth purpose to make this 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 through the whole Kingdom: for, was it ever known that a fellow should be so impudent 〈◊〉 as to send a Warrant without either name or date, to a Mayor of a town, to the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, and that he with his 〈◊〉, their 〈◊〉 and families, should be all commanded to come before a I'ack-an-apes? My counsel is that 〈◊〉 take him and his Ape, with his man, and his dog, and 〈◊〉 the whole mess or 〈◊〉 of them out of the town, which I think will 〈◊〉 much for your credit if you do.  
At which words a 〈◊〉 man of the town being much 〈◊〉, said, My friend you have spoken little better than treason, for it is the Queen's Ape, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said master Mayor, I 〈◊〉 who 〈◊〉 that 〈◊〉 fellow come into our company, I pray thee my friend depart, I think you long to have 〈◊〉 all 〈◊〉. So in 〈◊〉 he was put out of the 〈◊〉, for they were no company for him. Well now what is to been done in this matter? 〈◊〉 (said another Senior) we see by the 〈◊〉 in the 〈◊〉 hat that he is the 〈◊〉 man, and who knows what power a 〈◊〉 may have in the Court to do 〈◊〉 men wrong in the Country, let us go and 〈◊〉 the Ape, it is but 2 〈◊〉 a piece, and no doubt but 〈◊〉 will be well taken, and if it come to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉; 〈◊〉 will think us kind people that would 〈◊〉 so much duty to her Ape, what may she think we would do to her 〈◊〉 if they came 〈◊〉? 〈◊〉 it is above 200 miles to London, and if we should be complained on 〈◊〉 fetched 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉, whereas now every man may escape for his 2 pence, 〈◊〉 warrant it would cost us 10 〈◊〉 a piece at the least. This counsel passed currant, and all the whole droue of the townsmen, with 〈◊〉 and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a table with a 〈◊〉 about his neck, to whom master Mayor (because it was the 〈◊〉 Ape) put off his hat, & made a leg, but jack let him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉. But mistress 〈◊〉 coming next in her clean linen held her hands before her belly, and like a woman of good breeding made a low curtsy,  
 
〈◊〉, quoth he. I think she be in a presumption: a consumption thou wouldst say, said the Physician: I told you before (the fellow replied) that I do not understand your allegant speeches: Well, quoth the Doctor, doth thy wife keep her bed? No, truly sir, said he, she sold her bed a fortnight since: verily quoth the Doctor she is very costive: Costly said the man, your Worship says true, for I have spent all that I have upon her almost. Said the Doctor, I do not say costly but costive: and I pray thee tell me, is she lose or bound? Indeed sir, said the man, she is bound to me during her life, and I am bound to her: yea but I pray thee, said the Doctor, tell me in plain terms how she goes to stool? truly, said the fellow, in plain terms she goes to stool very strangely, for in the morning it is so hard that your Worship can scarce bite it with your teeth, and at night it is so thin that you might eat it with a spoon.   

(103)  
GOod fellows having well washed their 〈◊〉 in wine at a 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 of them was very 〈◊〉 to be gone; to whom another of them said, I pray thee be pàtient, talk no more of going, for 〈◊〉 thou wilt 〈◊〉 still but a little, thou shalt 〈◊〉 that we shall all be gone, though 〈◊〉 stay here.   

(104)  
AN 〈◊〉 who dwelled with a rich 〈◊〉 he had, was by a Courtier begged for a fool, 〈◊〉 the fool perceiving 〈◊〉 home to his uncle's Parlour which was fairly hung with 〈◊〉 hangings, and in every one of the hangings was the 〈◊〉 of a fool wrought: So the Fool watching his opportunty that no body was in the parlour, he took a knife and cut the fool's pictures out of every hanging and went and 〈◊〉 them in a hay 〈◊〉, which when his uncle came in 〈◊〉 saw, be was very angry, demanded who had spoiled his hangings? 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, said the Idiot, I did cut out all the fools, for there is a great man at Court that hath begged me for a fool, and he would have all 〈◊〉 rich 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 can hear of, therefore did I 〈◊〉 the in all out of your 〈◊〉, and I 〈◊〉 did 〈◊〉 where I think he will not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉.   

(105)  
A 〈◊〉 being scolded at by his Wife would make her 〈◊〉 he would 〈◊〉 himself: and as he went toward the 〈◊〉, his Wife followed him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉, or at the least to let her 〈◊〉 with him; 〈◊〉, quoth he, speak 〈◊〉, for I am in 〈◊〉; then husband 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, seeing you will drown yourself 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you to take my counsel, which is, that you 〈◊〉 not yourself into this 〈◊〉 place here, for it will 〈◊〉 my heart to see 〈◊〉 long you will 〈◊〉 a dying: but 〈◊〉 with me a little way, and I will 〈◊〉 you a deep place, where you 〈◊〉 be dispatched presently.   

(106)  
A 〈◊〉 in Scotland lay dying, to 〈◊〉 her husband said, Wife now 〈◊〉 art 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 leave me alone, I pray 〈◊〉 tell 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 shall I marry. She replied, are you in 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the breath 〈◊〉 out of my 〈◊〉, than 〈◊〉 the devil's dam: not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, I have had his daughter already, and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 should match with his 〈◊〉 too, 〈◊〉 I should 〈◊〉 guilty of 〈◊〉.   

(107  
THere was a Gentleman that was of a very 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 at all things, and 〈◊〉 seldom pleased with any 〈◊〉, and withal was a great 〈◊〉 〈◊〉: and as 〈◊〉 time he beat and 〈◊〉 his man, the 〈◊〉 ran from him, and told one of his 〈◊〉 that he thought his master was 〈◊〉 med into Brawn, for he was all Choler, and that he thought the reason 〈◊〉 his kicking was, because he 〈◊〉 Colts-foot 〈◊〉 'mong his Tobacco.   

(108)  
A Doctor of 〈◊〉 in Italy asked a waterman if he might 〈◊〉 well by water over the 〈◊〉 Po, the fellow told him 〈◊〉 but the Doctor when he came to the water side and saw it was a little 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, was very angry, and said, You Watermen are the veriest 〈◊〉 in the world for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you care not to cast a man 〈◊〉; to whom the Waterman replied, Sir it appears we are men of a cheaper function and better conscience than you; for you sometimes will not cast a man away under 40, 50, or 100 crowns.   

(109)  
ONe borrowed a cloak of a gentleman, and met one that knew him, who said I think I know that cloak: it may be so, said the other, I borrowed it of such a gentleman: the other told him that it was too short: yea but quoth he that had the cloak, I will have it long enougth before I bring it home a gain.   

(110)  
A Poor woman's husband was to be hanged at the town of Lancaster and on the execution day 〈◊〉 entreated the 〈◊〉 to been good to her 〈◊〉 stand her friend: the 〈◊〉 said that he could do her no hurt, for her husband was condemned and judged by the law, and therefore 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 suffer. Ah good master Shrieve said the woman, it is not his life that I ask, but because I have far home, and my mare is old and stiff, therefore I would entreat you to do me the favour to let my husband be hanged first.   

(111  
ONe came into a College in an University, and asked how many Fellows belonged to the house: another replied, that there were more good fellows then good 〈◊〉 two to one.   

(112 ( 
A Fellow being drunk was brought before a justice, who committed him to 〈◊〉: and the next day when he was to be discharged he was to come to the justice again, who said to him, Sirrah you were not 〈◊〉 the last night: 〈◊〉 Worship says true, said the fellow. Yea but you were drunk, said the justice, and you did abuse me, and said I was a wise justice: the fellow replied, If I said 〈◊〉 I think I was drunk indeed, and I cry your Worship mercy, for I will never do you that wrong when I am sober.   

(113)  
A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 eye chanced to 〈◊〉 a man in the field, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 hath 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, the other man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉, whereat the 〈◊〉 man suddenly cast down his Rapier 〈◊〉 Buenas noches, which in the Spanish tongue is goodnight.   
FINIS