ALBUMAZAR.  
A Comedy presented before the king's Majesty at Cambridge, the ninth of March, 1614.  
By the Gentlemen of Trinity College.  
LONDON, Printed by Nicholas Okes for Walter burr, and are to be sold at his Shop, in Paul's Churchyard. 1615.   

Dramatis Personae.  
ALBUMAZAR. 
An ginger.  RONCA. 
thieves.  HARPAX. 
thieves.  FURBO. 
thieves.  PANDOLFO. 
An old Gentleman.  CRICCA. 
His servant.  TRINCALO. 
Pandolfo's Farmer.  ARMELLINA. 
Antonio's Maid.  LELIO. 
Antonio's son.  EUGENIO. 
Pandolfo's son.  FLAVIA. 
Antonio's daughter.  SULPITIA. 
Pandolfo's daughter.  BEVILONA. 
A Courtesan.  ANTONIO. 
An old Gentleman.    

The Prologue.  
THe brightness of so great and fair a presence,  
They say, strikes cold amazement. But I feel  
Contrary effects. For from the gracious centre  
O'th' Honourable assembly, some secret power  
Inflames my courage; and, methinks, I am grown  
Taller by th'virtue of this Audience.  
And yet thus raised, I fear there's no retiring.  
Ladies, whose beauties glad the whole Assembly,  
Upon your favours I impose my business.  
If't be a fault to speak this foreign language,  
(For Latin is our mother tongue) I must entreat you  
To frame excuses for us; for whose sake  
we now speak English. All the rest, we hope,  
Come purposely to grace our poor endeavours;  
As we to please. In whose fair courtesy  
We trust; not in our weak ability.   

ALBUMAZAR.  

Act. 1.  

Scoen. 1.  Enter ALBUMAZAR, HARPAX, RONCA. ALBUMAZAR. 
COme brave Mercurials sublimed in cheating,  
My dear companions, fellow-soldiers  
I'th' watchful exercise of Thievery:  
Shame not at your so large profession,  
No more than I at deep Astrology.  
For in the days of old, Good morrow Thief,  
As welcome was received, as now Your Worship.  
The Spartans held it lawful, and th'Arabians,  
So grew Arabia, Foelix; Sparta valiant.  RONC. 
Read on this lecture, wise ALBUMAZAR.  ALB. 
Your patron Mercury in his mysterious character,  
Holds all the marks of th'other wanderers,  
And with his subtle influence works in all,  
Filling their stories full of robberies.  
Most Trades and Callings much participate  
Of yours; though smoothly gilt with th'honest title  
Of Merchant, Lawyer, or such like: the learned  
Only excepted; and he's therefore poor.  HARP. 
And yet he steals one author from another.  
This Poet is that poet's Plagiary,  
And he a third's, till they end all in Homer.  ALB. 
And Homer filched all from an Egyptian priestess.  
The world's a Theater of theft. Great rivers  
Rob smaller brooks; and them the Ocean.  
And in this world of ours, this Microcosm:  
Guts from the stomach steal, and what they spare,  
The meseraicks filch, and lay't i'th' liver:  
Where (lest it should be found) turned to red Nectar,  
'tis by a thousand thievish veins conveyed  
And hid in flesh, nerves, bones, muscles and sinews,  
In tendons, skin and hair, so that the property  
Thus altered, the theft can never be discovered.  
Now all these pilferies couched and composed in order,  
Frame thee and me. Man's a quick mass of the every.  RONC. 
Most Philosophical ALBUMAZAR!  HARP. 
I thought these parts had lent and borrowed mutual.  ALB. 
Say they do so: 'tis done with full intention  
near to restore, and that's flat robbery.  
Therefore go on: follow your virtue's laws  
Your cardinal virtue, great Necessity,  
Wait on her close, with all occasions.  
Be watchful, have as many eyes as heaven,  
And ears as harvest: be resolved and impudent,  
Believe none, trust none: for in this City  
(As in a fought field Crows and Carcases)  
No dwellers are but Cheaters and cheatees.  RONC. 
If all the houses in the town were prisons,  
The chambers cages, all the settles stocks,  
The broad gates gallows, and the whole people  
justices, juries, Constables, Keepers and Hangmen,  
I'd practise spite of all, and leave behind me  
A fruitful seminary of our profession,  
And call them by thy name Albumazarians.  HARP. 
And I no less, were all the City thieves  
As cunning as thyself.  ALB. 
Why bravely spoken,  
Fitting such generous spirits: I'll make way  
To your great virtue with a deep resemblance.  
Of high Astrology. Harpax and Ronca  
List to our profit: I have new lodged a prey  
Hard by, that taken is so fat and rich  
'Twill make us leave off trading, and fall to purchase.  HARP. 
Who is't? speak quickly.  RON. 
Where good Albumazar?  ALB. 
'Tis a rich gentleman, as old as foolish.  
Th'poor remnant of whose brain that age had left him  
The doting love of a young girl hath dried:  
And which concerns us most, he gives firm credit  
To Necromancy and Astrology, Enter FURBO.  
Sending to me, as one that promise both.  
Pandolfo is the man.  HAR. 
What old Pandolfo?  ALB. 
The same: but stay, yond's Furbo whose smoothest brow  
Shines with good news, and's visage promises  
Triumphs and Trophies to's. FURBO plays.  RON. 
My life h'as learned out all, I know't by's music;  Then FURBO sings this song. 
Bear up thy learned brow ALBUMAZAR,  
Live long of all the world admired,  
For Art profound, and skill retired  
To cheating by the height of stars.  
Hence, Gypsies, hence, hence rogues of baser strain,  
That hazard life for little gain:  
Stand off and wonder, gape and gaze afar  
At the rare skill of great ALBUMAZAR.  FVRB. 
Albumazar,  
Spread out thy nets at large, here's foul abundance:  
Pandolfo's ours, I understand his business  
Which I filched closely from him, while he revealed  
T'his man, his purposes and projects.  ALB. 
Excellent!  
Thanks to this instrument: for in pretence  
Of teaching young Sulpitia, th'old man's daughter,  
I got access to th'house, and while I waited  
Till she was ready, overheard Pandolfo  
Open his secrets to his servant: thus 'tis.  
Antonio, Pandolfo's friend, and neighbour,  
Before he went to Barbary, agreed  
To give in marriage.  ALB. 
Furbo, this no place  
Fit to consider curious points of business.  
Come let's away, I'll hear't at large above.  
Ronca stay you below, and entertain him  
With a loud noise of my deep skill in Art.  
Thou know'st my Rosy modesty cannot do it.  
Harpax up you, and from my bedchamber,  
Where all things for our purposes are ready,  
Second each beck, and nod, and word of ours.  
You know my meaning.  HAR. 
Yes, yes.  FVR. 
Yes sir.  Furbo goes out singing, Fa la la Pandolfo's ours.  

ACT. 1. SCEN. 2.  RONCA. PANDOLFO. CRICCA. RON. 
THere's old Pandolfo, amorous as youthful May,  
And grey as january. I'll attend him here.  PAN. 
Cricca, I seek thy aid, not thy cross counsel,  
I am mad in love with Flavia, and must have her:  
Thou spend'st thy reasons to the contrary,  
Like arrows 'gainst an anvil: I love Flavia,  
And must have Flavia.  CRI. 
Sir you have no reason,  
she's a young girl of sixteen, you of sixty.  PAN. 
I have no reason, nor spare room for any,  
love's harbinger hath chalked upon my heart,  
And with a coal writ on my brain, for Flavia;  
This house is wholly taken up for Flavia.  
Let reason get a lodging with her wit:  
Vex me no more, I must have Flavia.  CRIC. 
But sir, her brother Lelio, under whose charge  
she's now, after her father's death, swore boldly  
Pandolfo never shall have Flavia.  PAN. 
His father, ere he went to Barbary,  
Promised her me: who be he live or dead,  
Spite of a Last of Lelio's▪ Pandolfo  
Shall enjoy Flavia.  CRIC. 
Sir you're too old.  PAN. 
I must confess in years about three score,  
But in tough strength of body, four and twenty,  
Or two months less. Love of young Flavia,  
More powerful than Medea's drugs, renews  
All decayed parts of man: my Arteries  
Blown full with youthful spirits, move the blood  
To a new business: my withered nerves grow plump  
And strong, longing for action. Hence thou poor prop  
Of feebleness and age: walk with such sires  
As with cold palsies shake away their strength,  
And lose their legs with cureless gouts. Pandolfo  
New moulded is for Revels, Masks, and Music. Cricca,  
String my neglected Lute, and from my Armoury  
scour my best sword, companion of my youth,  
Without which I seem naked.  CRIC. 
Your love, sir, like strong water  
To a deplored sick man, quicks your feeble limbs  
For a poor moment. But after one night's lodging  
You'll fall so dull and cold, that Flavia  
Will shriek and leap from bed as from a Sepulchre.  
Shall I speak plainer, sir? she'll Cuckold you:  
Alas she'll Cuckold you.  PAN. 
What me? a man of known discretion,  
Of riches, years, and this grey gravity?  
I'll satisfy'r with gold, rich clothes and jewels.  CRIC. 
Wert not far fitter urge your son Eugenio  
To woo her for himself?  PAN. 
Cricca be gone,  
Touch no more there: I will and must have Flavia.  
Tell Lelio, if he grant m'his sister Flavia,  
I'll give my daughter to him in exchange.  
Be gone, and find me here within this half hour.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 3.  RONCA. PANDOLFO. RON. 
'tIs well that servant's gone: I shall the easier  
Wind up his master to my purposes.  PAN. 
Sure this some novice of th'Artillery,  
That winks and shoots: sir, prime your piece anew  
The powder's wet: tick. tock. tick. tock.  RON. 
A good ascendent bless me: sir are you frantic?  PAN. 
Why frantic? are not knocks the lawful courses  
T'open doors and ears?  RON. 
Of vulgar men and houses.  PAN. 
Whose lodge's this? is't not th'Astrologers?  RON. 
His lodging? no: 'tis the learned Phrontisterion  
Of most divine Albumazar.  PAN. 
Good sir,  
If the door break, a better shall redeem it.  RON. 
How! all your land sold at a hundredth years purchase  
Cannot repair th'damage of one poor rap,  
To thunder at the Phrontisterion  
Of great Albumazar?  PAN. 
Why man? what harm:  RON. 
Sir, you must know my master's heavenly brain  
Pregnant with mysteries of metaphysics,  
Grows to an Embryo of rare contemplation,  
Which at full time brought forth, excels by far  
The armed fruit of Vulcan's Midwifery  
That leapt from jupiter's mighty Cranium.  PAN. 
What of all this?  RON. 
Thus one of your bold thunders may abortive  
And cause that birth miscarry, that might have proved  
An instrument of wonders greater and rarer  
Than Apollonius the Magician wrought.  PAN. 
Are you your Master's Countryman?  RON. 
Yes: why ask you?  PAN. 
Then must I get an Interpreter for your language.  RON. 
You need not; with a wind instrument my master made,  
In five days you may breathe ten languages  
As perfect as the Devil, or himself.  PAN. 
When may I speak with him?  RON. 
When't please the stars.  
He pulls you not a hair, nor pares a nail,  
Nor stirs a foot without due figuring  
The Horoscope: sit down a while an't please you,  
I see the heavens incline to his approach.  PAN. 
What's this I pray you?  RON. 
An engine to catch stars,  
A maze t'arrest such Planets as have lurked  
four thousand years under protection  
Of jupiter and Sol.  PAN. 
Pray you speak English.  RON. 
Sir, 'tis a perspicil, th'best under heaven:  
With this I'll read a leaf of that small Iliad  
That in a walnut shell was desked, as plainly  
twelve long miles off, as you see Paul's from Highgate.  PAN. 
Wonderful workman of so rare an Instrument!  RON. 
'Twill draw the Moon so near that you would swear  
The bush of thorns in't prick your eyes: the Crystal  
Of a large Arch multiplies millions,  
work's more than by point blank: and by refractions  
Optic and strange, searcheth like th'eye of truth,  
All closets that have windows. Have at Rome,  
I see the Pope, his Cardinals and his mule,  
The English College and the jesuits,  
And what they write and do.  PAN. 
Let me see too.  RON. 
So far you can not: for this glass is framed  
For eyes of thirty: you are nigh threescore.  
But for some fifty miles 'twill serve you,  
With help of a refractive glass that's yonder.  
For trial sir: where are you now?  PAN. 
In London.  RON. 
ha' you found the glass within that chamber?  PAN. 
Yes.  RON. 
What see you?  PAN. 
Wonders, wonders: I see as in a landscape  
An honourable throng of noble persons,  
As clear as I were under the same roof.  
Seems by their gracious brows, and courteous looks  
Something they see, which if t b'indifferent  
They'll fav'rably accept: if otherwise  
They'll pardon, who, or what they be, I know not.  RON. 
Why that's the coure! at Cambridge forty miles hence, what else?  PAN. 
A Hall thrust full of bareheads, some bald, some bushed,  
Some bravely branched.  RON. 
That's th'university  
Larded with Townsmen. Look you there: what now?  PAN. 
Who? I see Dover Peer, a man now landing  
Attended by two Porters that seem to groan  
Under the burden of two loads of paper.  RON. 
That's Coriatus Persicus, and's observations  
Of Asia and Afrique.  PAN. 
The price.  RON. 
I dare not sell't.  
But here's another of a stranger virtue:  
The great Albumazar by wondrous Art,  
In imitation of this perspicil,  
Hath framed an Instrument that multiplies  
Objects of hearing, as this doth of seeing,  
That you may know each whisper from Prester john  
Against the wind, as fresh as 'twere delivered  
Through a trunk, or Gloster's listening wall.  PAN. 
And may I see it sir? bless me once more.  RON. 
'Tis something ceremonious; but you shall try't.  
Stand thus. What hear you?  Pan. 
Nothing  RO. 
Set your hands thus  
That th'vertex of the Organ may perpendicularly  
Point out our Zenith. What hear you now? ha, ha, ha.  PAN. 
A humming noise of laughter.  RO. 
Why that's the Court  
And University, that now are merry  
With an old gentleman in a Comedy. What now?  PAN. 
Celestial music, but it seems far off.  
List, list, 'tis nearer now.  RO. 
'Tis music twixt the Acts. What now?  PAN. 
Nothing.  Ron. 
And now?  PAN. 
Music again, and strangely delicate.  
O most Angelical! they sing!  RON. 
And now?  
Sing sweetly, that our notes may cause  
The heavenly Orbs themselves to pause:  
And at our music stand as still  
As at jove's amorous will.  
So now release them as before,  
Th'haue waited long enough, no more.  PAN. 
'Tis gone, give me't again.— O do not so.  RON. 
What hear you now?  PAN. 
No more than a dead Oyster.  
O let me see this wondrous instrument.  RON. 
Sir, this is called an Otacousticon.  PAN. 
A Cousticon?  
Why 'tis a pair of ass's ears, and large ones.  RON. 
True: for in such a form the great Albumazar  
Hath framed it purposely, as fit'st receivers  
Of sounds, as spectacles like eyes for sight.  PAN. 
What gold will buy't?  RO. 
I'll selt you when 'tis finished:  
As yet the Epiglottis is unperfect.  PAN. 
'Soon as you can, and here's ten crowns in earnest.  
For when 'tis done, and I have purchased it,  
I mean t'entail 't on my heirs male for ever,  
Spite of the ruptures of the common law.  RON. 
Nay rather giv't to Flavia for her juncture:  
For she that marries you, deserves it richly.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 4.  CRICCA. PANDOLFO. RONCA. CRIC. 
SIr, I have spoke with Lelio, and he answers.  PAN. 
Hang Lelio, and his answer's. Come hither Cricca,  
Wonder for me, admire, and be astonished,  
Marvel thyself to Marble at these engines,  
These strange Gorgonian instruments.  CRI. 
At what?  PAN. 
At this rare perspicil and Otacousticon.  
For with these two I'll hear and see all secrets,  
Undo intelligencers. Pray let my man see  
What's done in Rome; his eyes are just as yours are.  RON. 
Pandolfo, are you mad? be wise and secret:  
See you th'steep danger you are tumbling in?  
Know you not that these instruments have power  
T'unlock the hiddenest closets of whole states?  
And you reveal such mysteries to a servant?  
Sir be advised, or else you learn no more  
Of our unknown Philosophy.  PAN. 
Enough.  
What news from Lelio? shall I have his sister?  CRI. 
He swears and vows he never will consent.  
She shall not play with worn antiquities,  
Nor lie with snow, and statues; and such replies  
That I omit for reverence of your worship.  PAN. 
Not have his sister? Cricca I will have Flavia,  
Maugre his head, by means of this ginger  
I'll enjoy Flavia. Are the stars yet inclined  
To his divine approach?  RO. 
One minute brings him.  CRI. 
What 'strologer?  PAN. 
The learned man I told thee,  
Th' high Almanac of Germany, an Indian  
Far beyond Trebizond and Tripoli,  
Close by the world's end: a rare conjuror,  
And great ginger. His name, pray sir?  RON. 
Albumazarro Meteoroscopico.  CRI. 
A name of force to hang him without trial.  PAN. 
As he excels in Science, so in Title.  
He tells of lost plate, horses, and strayed cattle  
Directly, as he had stolen them all himself.  CRI. 
Or he, or some of his confederates.  PAN. 
As thou respects thy life, look to thy tongue,  
Albumazar has an Otacousticon.  
be silent, reverent, and admire his skill,  
See what a promising countenance appears:  
Stand still and wonder, wonder and stand still.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 5  ALBUMAZAR, RONCA, PANDOLFO, CRICCA. ALB. 
Ronca, the bunch of planets new found out  
Hanging at th'end of my best perspicil,  
Send them to Galileo at Padua;  
Let him bestow them where he please. But th'stars  
Lately discovered twixt the horns of Aries,  
Are as a present for Pandolfo's marriage,  
And henceforth styled Sidera Pandolfaea.  PAN. 
My marriage Cricca! he foresees my marriage:  
O most Celestial Albumazar!  CRI. 
And sends y'a present from the head of Aries.  ALB. 
My Almanac made for th'meridian  
And height of japan, giv't th'East Indy company:  
There may they smell the price of Cloves and Pepper,  
monkeys and China-dishes five years ensuing;  
And know th'success o'th' voyage of Magores.  
For in the volume of the Firmament  
we children of the stars read things to come,  
As clearly as poor mortals' stories passed  
In Speed or Hollingshead.  RO. 
The perpetual motion  
With a true 'larum in't to run twelve hours  
'Fore Mahomet's return.  ALB. 
Deliver it safe  
T'a Turkey Factor, bid him with care present it  
From me to th'house of Ottoman.  RO. 
I will sir.  CRI. 
Pray you stand here, and wonder now for me,  
Be astonished at his Gorgon, for I cannot.  PAN. 
Upon my life he proves a mere Impostor.  
Peace, not a word, be silent and admire.  ALB. 
As for the Issue of th'next Summer's wars,  
Reveal't to none, keep't to thyself in secret,  
As touchstone of my skill in Prophesy. Be gone.  RON. 
I go sir.  ALB. 
signor Pandolfo, I pray you pardon me,  
Exotic dispatches of great consequence  
Stayed me; and casting the Nativity  
O'th' Cham of Tartary, and a private conference  
With a Mercurial intelligence.  
You're welcome in a good hour, better minute,  
Best second, happiest third, fourth, fift, and scruple.  
Let the twelve houses of the Horoscope  
Be lodged with fortitudes, and fortunates,  
To make you blessed in your designs Pandolfo.  PAN. 
Were't not much trouble to your starry employments,  
I a poor mortal would entreat your furtherance  
In a terrestrial business.  ALB. 
My Ephemeris lies,  
Or I foresee your errant: thus 'tis, thus.  
You had a neighbour called Antonio,  
A widower like yourself, whose only daughter  
Flavia, you love, and he as much admired  
Your child Sulpitia. Is not this right?  PAN. 
Yes sir: O strange! Cricca admire in silence.  ALB. 
You two decreed a counter-match betwixt you,  
And purposed to truck daughters. Is't not so?  PAN. 
just as you say't. Cricca admire and wonder.  CRI. 
This no such secret: look to yourself, he'll cheat you.  ALB. 
Antonio after this match concluded,  
Having great sums of gold in Barbary,  
Desires of you before he consummate  
The rites of matrimony, he might go thither,  
For three months; but as now 'tis three and three  
Since he embarked, and is not yet returned.  
Now sir your business is to me, to know  
Whether Antonio be dead or living.  
I'll tell you instantly.  PAN. 
Hast thou revealed it?  
I told it none but thee.  CRI. 
Not I.  PAN. 
Why stare you?  
Are you not well?  ALB. 
I wander twixt the Poles  
And heavenly hinges, 'mongst eccentricals,  
Centres, concentrics, circles, and epicycles,  
To hunt out an aspect fit for your business.  CRI. 
Mean ostentation! for shame awake yourself.  ALB. 
And since the lamp of heaven is newly entered  
To Cancer, old Antonio is stark dead,  
Drowned in the sea stone dead: for radius directorius  
In the sixth house; and th'waning moon by Capricorn,  
he's dead, he's dead.  CRI. 
'Tis an ill time to marry.  
The Moon grows forked, and walks with Capricorn.  PAN. 
Peace fool: these words are full of mysteries.  ALB. 
What ominous face, and dismal countenance  
Marked for disasters, hated of all the heavens,  
Is this that follows you?  PAN. 
He is my servant,  
A plain and honest speaker, but no harm in him.  CRI. 
What see you in my face?  ALB. 
Horror and darkness, death and gallows,  
I de swear thou'rt hanged, stoodst thou but two foot higher,  
But now thy stars threaten a nearer death.  
Sir, send to toll his knell.  PAN. 
What is he dead?  ALB. 
He shall be by the dint of many stabs:  
Only I spy a little hope of scaping  
through the clouds, and foul aspects of death,  CRI. 
Sir, pray give no credit to this cheater,  
Or with his words of Art he'll make you dote  
As much on his feigned skill, as on fair Flavia.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 6.  HARPAX. FUREO. ALBUM. PANDOLFO. CRICCA. HAR. 
STay Villain, stay, though safety 't self defends thee  
Thou diest.  FVR. 
Come do thy worst, thrust sure, or die.  CRIC. 
For heaven sake Gentlemen stay your hands, help, help.  
Help Albumazar.  HARP. 
Thus to the hinderer  
Of my revenge.  CRIC. 
Save me Albumazar.  FVRB. 
And thus, and thus, and thus.  CRI. 
Master I die, I die.  HARP. 
Fliest thou base coward? 'tis not thy heels can save thee.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 7.  ALBUM. PAND. CRIC. CRI. 
oh!  PAN. 
What ails thee Cricca?  CRI. 
I am dead, I am dead,  
Trouble yourself no more.  PA. 
What dead & speakst?  CRIC. 
Only there's left a little breath to tell you.  PAN. 
Why, where art hurt?  CRI. 
Stabbed with a thousand daggers,  
My heart, my lights, my liver, and my skin,  
Pierced like a siue.  PAN. 
Here's not a wound, stand up,  
'Tis but thy fear.  CRIC. 
'Tis but one wound all over.  
Softly, o softly: youhave lost the truest servant; Farewell I die.  ALB. 
Live by my courtesy, stand up and breath.  
The dangerous and malignant influence is past:  
But thank my charity that put by the blows,  
The least of which threatened a dozen graves.  
Now learn to scoff divine Astrology,  
And slight her servants.  CRI. 
A Chirurgeon, good sir, a Surgeon.  ALB. 
Stand up man, thouhast no harm, my life for thine.  PAN. 
thouart well, thouart well.  CRI. 
Now I perceive I am:  
I pray you pardon me Divine ginger.  ALB. 
I do, but henceforth laugh at Astrology  
And call her servants Cheaters.  PAN. 
Now to our business: on good Albumazar.  ALB. 
Now since the Moon passeth from Capricorn,  
Through Aquarius to the watery Sign of Pisces,  
Antonio's drowned, and is devoured by fishes.  PAN. 
Is't certain?  ALB. 
Certain.  PAN. 
Then let my earnestness  
Entreat your skill a favour.  ALB. 
It shall, but first  
I'll tell you what you mean to ask me.  PA. 
Strange!  ALB. 
Antonio dead that promised you his daughter,  
Your business is t'entreat me raise his ghost,  
And force it stay at home till't have performed  
The promise past, and so return to rest.  PAN. 
That, that, youhave hit it most divine Albumazar.  ALB. 
'Tis a hard thing; for de prevatione ad habitum non datur regressus.  
O what a business what a master piece  
'Tis to raise up his Ghost, whose body's eaten  
By fish. This work desires a Planetary intelligence  
Of jupiter and Sol, and these great Spirits,  
Are proud, fantastical: It asks much charges,  
T'entice them from the guiding of their Spheres  
To wait on mortals.  PAN. 
So I may have my purpose, spare for no cost.  ALB. 
Sir, spare your purse, we'll do't an easier way.  
The work shall cost you nothing.  
We have an Art is called prestigiatory,  
That deals with spirits, and intelligences  
Of meaner office and condition,  
Whose service craves small charges: with one of these  
I'll change some servant, or good friend of yours  
To th'perfect shape of this Antonio:  
So like in face, behaviour, speech, and action,  
That all the Town shall swear Antonio lives.  PAN. 
Most Necromantical ginger,  
Do this, and take me for your servant ever.  
And for your pains, after the transformation  
This chain is yours, it cost two hundred pound  
Beside the jewel.  AL. 
After the work is finished, then— how now?  
What lines are these that look sanguineous?  
As if the Stars conjured to do you mischief?  PAN. 
How? mean you me?  ALB. 
They're dusky marks of Saturn.  
It seems some stone shall fall upon your head,  
Threatening a fracture of the pericranium.  PAN. 
Cricca come hither, fetch me my staff again,  
threescore and ten's returned: A general Palsy  
Shakes out the love of Flavia with a fear.  
Is there no remedy?  ALB. 
Nothing but patience.  
The Planet threatens so, whose prey you are.  
The Stars and Planets daily war together.  
For should they stand at truce but one half hour  
This wondrous Machine of the world would ruin.  
Who can withstand their powerful influence?  PAN. 
You with your wisdom, good Albumazar.  ALB. 
Indeed th'Aegyptian Ptolemy the wise,  
Pronounced it as an Oracle of truth; Sapiens dominabitur astris.  
Who's above there? Ronca bring down the cap  
Made in the point of Mercury being ascendent:  
Here put it on, and in your hand this Image,  
Framed on a Tuesday when the fierce God of war  
Mounted th'horizon in the sign of Aries.  
With these walk as unwounded as Achilles,  
Dipped by his mother Thetis.  PAN. 
You bind me to your service.  ALB. 
Next get the man you purpose to transform  
And meet me here.  PAN. 
I will not fail to find you.  ALB. 
meanwhile with scioferical instrument,  
By way of Azimuth and Almicantarath  
I'll seek some happy point in heaven for you.  PAN. 
I rest your servant, sir.  AL. 
Let all the Stars  
Guide you with most propitious influence.   

ACT. 1. SCEN. 8.  PANDOLFO. CRICCA. PAN. 
here's a strange man indeed, of skill profound:  
How right he knew my business, 'fore he saw me,  
And how thou scoff'dst him when we talked in private.  
'tis a brave instrument his Otacousticon.  CRIC. 
In earnest sir I took him for a Cheater;  
As many, under name of cunning men  
With promise of Astrology, much abuse  
The gaping vulgar, wronging that sacred skill,  
That in the Stars reads all our actions.  PAN. 
Is there no arches o'er our heads, look Cricca.  CRI. 
None but the Arch of heaven, that cannot fall.  PAN. 
Is not that made of Marble? I have read  
A stone dropped from the Moon: And much I fear  
The fit should take her now, and void another.  CRI. 
Fear nothing sir, this charmed Mercurial cap  
Shields from the fall of Mountains: 'tis not a stone  
Can check his Art, walk boldly.  PAN. 
I do, let's in.   
Finis Act. 1.   

Act. 2.  

Scoen. 1.  TRINCALO. ARMELLINA. TRINCALA. 
HE that saith I am not in love, he lies De cap à poe; For I am idle, choicely neat in my clothes, valiant, and extreme witty: My meditations are loaded with metaphors, and my songs sonnets: Not a one shakes his tail, but I sigh out a passion: thus do I to my Mistress; but alas I kiss the dog, and she kicks me. I never see a young wanton Filly, but, say I, there goes Armellina; nor a lusty strong Ass, but I remember myself, and sit down to consider what a goodly race of Mules would inherit, if she were willing: only I want utterance, and that's a main mark of love too.  ARM. 
Trincalo. Trincalo.  TRINC. 
O 'tis Armellina: now if she have the wit to begin, as I mean she should, then will I confound her with compliments drawn from the Plays I see at the Fortune, and Red Bull, where I learn all the words I speak and understand not.  ARM. 
Trincalo, what price bear's wheat, and Saffron, that your band's so stiff and yellow? not a word? why Trincalo! what business in Town? how does all at Totnam? grown mute? What do you bring from the Country?  TRIN. 
There 'tis. Now are my flood-gates drawn, and I'll surround her. What have I brought sweet bit of beauty? a hundredth thousand salutations o'th' elder house to your most illustrious Honour and Worship.  ARM. 
To me these Titles? is your basket full of nothing else?  TRIN. 
Full of the fruits of love, most resplendent Lady; a present to your worthiness from your worship's poor vassal Trincalo.  ARM. 
My life on't, he scraped these compliments from his Cart, the last Load he carried for the Progress. What ha' you read that make you grow so eloquent?  TRI. 
Sweet madam, I read nothing but the lines of your ladyships countenance, and desire only to kiss the skirts of your garment, if you vouchsafe me not the happiness of your white hands.  ARM. 
Come, give's your basket and take it.  TRI. 
O sweet! now will I never wash my mouth after, nor breath but at my nostrils, lest I lose the taste of her fingers. Armellina, I must tell you a secret if you'll make much on't.  ARM. 
As it deserves: what is't?  TRIN. 
I love you, dear morsel of modesty, I love: and so truly, that I'll make you Mistress of my thoughts, Lady of my revenues, and commit all my movables into your hands, that is, I give you an earnest kiss in the high way of Matrimony.  ARM. 
Is this the end of all this business?  TRIN. 
This is the end of all business, most beautiful, and most worthy to be most beautiful Lady.  ARM. 
Hence fool, hence.  TRIN. 
Why now she knows my meaning, let it work: She put up the fruit in her lap, and threw away the basket: 'Tis a plain sign, she abhors the words, and embraces the meaning: O lips, no lips, but leaves besmeared with mildew! o dew no dew, but drops of Honey combs! o combs no combs, but fountains full of tears! o tears no tears, but—   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 2.  PANDOLFO. TRINCALO. PAN. 
CRicca denies me; no persuasions,  
Proffers, rewards, can work him to transform.  
Yonder's my Country Farmer Trincalo.  
Never in sitter time good Trincalo.  TRI. 
Like a lean horse t'a fresh and lusty Pasture.  PAN. 
What rent dost pay me for thy Farm at Totnam?  TRI. 
Ten pound; and find't too dear a pennyworth.  PAN. 
My hand here: take it rent-free for three lives,  
To serve me in a business I'll employ thee.  TRI. 
Serve you? I'll serve, reserve, conserve, preserve,  
Deserve you for th'one half: o Armellina,  
A jointure, hai a jointure! what's your employment?  PAN. 
Here's an ginger has a wondrous secret  
To transform men to other shapes, and persons.  TRIN. 
How? transform things to men? I'll bring nine Tailors  
Refused last Muster, shall give five Marks a piece  
To shape three men of service out of all,  
And grant him th'remnant shreds above the bargain.  PAN. 
Now if thou'lt let him change thee, take this Lease;  
Drawn ready; put what lives thou pleasest.  TRI. 
Stay, Sir.  
Say I am transformed; who shall enjoy the Lease?  
I? or the person I must turn to.  PAN. 
Thou,  
Thou. The resemblance lasts but one whole day:  
Then home true Farmer, as thou were't before.  TRIN. 
Where shall poor Trincalo be? how's this? transformed?  
Transmuted? how? not I; I love myself  
Better than so: there's your Lease. I'd not venture  
For th'whole fee-simple.  PAN. 
Tell me the difference  
Betwixt a fool and wise man.  TRI. 
i'faith as much  
As twixt your Worship and myself.  PAN. 
A wise man  
accepts all fair occasions of advancement,  
flies no commodity for fears of danger,  
ventures and gains, lives easily, drinks good wine,  
fares neatly, 's richly clothed, in worthiest company;  
While your poor fool and Clown, for fear of peril,  
sweats hourly for a dry brown crust to bedward,  
And wake's all night for want of moisture.  TRI. 
Well, sir,  
I'd rather starve in this my loved Image,  
Then hazard thus my life, for others looks.  
Change is a kind of death, I dare not try it.  PAN. 
'Tis not so dangerous as thou tak'st it; we'll only  
Alter thy countenance for a day. Imagine  
Thy face masked only: or that thou dreamest all night  
Thou were't appareled in Antonio's form,  
And waking find'st thyself true Trincalo.  TRI. 
T'antonio's form? was not Antonio a Gentleman?  PAN. 
Yes, and my neighbour, that's his house.  TRIN. 
O ho!  
Now do I smell th'Astrologer's trick: he'll steep me  
In soldiers blood; or boil me in a cauldron  
Of Barbarous Law French: Or anoint me over  
With supple oil of great men's services.  
For these three means raise Yeomen to the Gentry.  
Pardon me sir: I hate these medicines. Fie!  
All my posterity will smell and taste on't  
'Long as the house of Trincalo endures.  PAN. 
there's no such business, thou shall't only seem so  
And thus deceive Antonio's family.  TRI. 
Are you assured? 'twould grieve me to be brayed  
In a huge Mortar, wrought to paste, and moulded  
To this Antonio's mould: Grant I be turned: what then?  PAN. 
Enter his house, be reverenced by his servants,  
And give his daughter Flavia to me in marriage.  
The circumstances I'll instruct thee after.  TR. 
Pray give me leave: this side says do't, this do not.  
Before I leave you Tom Trincalo take my counsel.  
Thy Mistress Armellina is Antonio's Maid,  
And thou in his shape mayst possess her. Turn.  
But if I be Antonio, than Antonio  
Enjoys that happiness, not Trincalo.  
A pretty trick to make myself a Cuckold.  
No, no; there, take your Lease. I'll hang first. Soft,  
Be not so choleric Thomas: If I become Antonio,  
Than all his riches follow. This fair occasion  
Once vanished, hope not the like; of a stark Clown  
I shall appear spick and span Gentleman.  
A pox of Ploughs, and Carts, and Whips, and Horses.  
Then Armellina shall be given to Trincalo,  
Three hundred Crowns her portion: we'll get a boy  
And call him Transformation Trincalo.  
I'll do't sir.  PA. 
Art resolved?  TRIN. 
Resolved? 'tis done:  
With this condition: after I have given your Worship  
My daughter Flavia, you shall then move my Worship  
And much entreat me, to bestow my Maid  
Upon myself, I should say Trincalo.  PAN. 
Content, and for thy sake will make her portion  
Two hundred Crowns.  TRIN. 
Now are you much deceived  
I never meant it.  PAN. 
How?  TR. 
I did but jest.  
And yet my hand, I'll do't. For I am mutable  
And therefore apt to change. Come, come sir, quickly,  
Let's to th'ginger, and there transform,  
Reform, conform, deform me at your pleasure.  
I loathe this Country countenance; dispatch: my skin  
itches like Snakes in April, to be stripped off.  
, o quickly, as you love Flavia, quickly.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 3.  ALBUMAZAR. PAND. RONCA. TRINC. ALB. 
signor Pandolfo, y'arrivearrive in happiest hour.  
If the seven Planets were your nearest kindred,  
And all the Constellations your Allies:  
Were the twelve houses, and the Inns o'th' Zodiac  
Your own feesimple; they could near have chosen  
A fitter place to favour your designs.  
For the great Luminaries look from Hilech,  
And midst of heaven in angles, conjunctions,  
And fortunate aspects of Trine and Sextile,  
Ready to power propitious influences.  PAN. 
Thank's to your power and curtsy that so placed them.  
This is the man that's ready for the business.  ALB. 
Of a most happy countenance, and timber fit  
To square to th'gentry: his looks as apt for changing,  
As he were covered with chameleon's skins.  TRI. 
Except my hands; and 'twill be troublesome  
To fit these fingers to Antonio's gloves.  PAN. 
Pray let's about the work as soon as may be.  ALB. 
First choose a large low room, whose door's full East,  
Or near inclining: for th'oriental quarter's  
Most bountiful of favours.  PAN. 
I have a parlour  
Of a great square and height, as you desire it.  ALB. 
Southward must look a wide and spacious window:  
For howsoever Omar, Alchabitius,  
Hali, Abenezra, seem something to dissent;  
Yet Zoroastres, son of Oromasus,  
Hiarcha, Brachman, Thespion Gymnosophist,  
Gebir, and Budda Babylonicus,  
With all the subtle Cabalists and Chaldees,  
Swear the best influence: for our metamorphosis  
Stoops from the South, or as some say, Southeast.  PAN. 
This room's as fit as you had made't of purpose.  TRI. 
Now do I feel the calf of my right leg  
Tingle, and dwindle to th'smallness of a bedstaff.  
Such a speech more turns my high shoes straight boots.  RON. 
near were those Authors cited to better purpose.  
For through that window all Pandolfo's treasures  
Must take their flight and fall upon my shoulders.  ALB. 
Now if this light meridional had a large casement  
That overlooked some unfrequented alley,  
'Twere much more proper: for th'Intelligences  
Are nice and coy, scorning to mix their essence  
With thronged disturbance of cross multitudes.  RON. 
Spoken by Art. Albumazar: a provident setter:  
For so shall we receive what thou hand'st out  
Free from discovery. But in my conscience  
All windows point full South for such a business.  PAN. 
Go to my house, satisfy your curious choice,  
But credit me, this parlour's fit, it neighbours  
To a blind Alley, that in busiest term-time  
Feels not the footing of one passenger.  ALB. 
Now then declining from Theourgia,  
Artenosoria, Pharmacia, rejecting  
Necro-puro-geo-hydro-cheiro-coscinomancy,  
With other vain and superstitious sciences,  
we'll anchor at the Art Prestigiatory,  
That represents one figure for another,  
With smooth deceit abusing th'eyes of mortals.  TRI. 
O my right arm! 'tis altered, and methinks  
Longs for a sword: these words have slain a Ploughman.  ALB. 
And since the moon's the only Planet changing:  
For from the Neomenia in seven days  
To the Dicotima, in seven more to th'Pauselinum,  
And in as much from Plenilunium  
Thorough Dicotima to Neomenia,  
'Tis she must help us in this operation.  TRI. 
What towns are these? the strangeness of these names,  
Hath scaled the marks of many a painful harvest,  
And made my new-piled fingers itch for dice.  PAN. 
Deeply considered wondrous Albumazar:  
O let me kiss those lips that flow with science.  ALB. 
For by her various looks she intimates  
To understanding souls, that only she  
Hath power t'effect a true formation.  
cause then your parlour to be swept carefully,  
Washed, rubbed, perfumed, hanged round from top to bottom  
With pure white lunary Tapestry, or needlework;  
But if 'twere cloth of silver, 'twere much better.  RON. 
Good, good! a rich beginning: good! what's next?  ALB. 
Spread all the floor with finest Holland sheets,  
And over them fair damask tablecloths,  
Above all these draw me chaste virgin's aprons:  
The room, the work, and workman must be pure.  TRIN. 
With virgin's aprons? th'whole compass of this City  
Can not afford a dozen.  RON. 
So, there's shirts  
And bands to furnish all on's for a twelvemonth.  ALB. 
An Altar in the midst, loaded with plate  
Of silver, Basins, ewers, Cups, Candlesticks,  
flagons and Beakers, Salts, Chargers, Casting-bottles.  
'Twere not amiss to mix some Bowls of gold,  
So they be massy; the better to resemble  
The lovely brotherhood of Sol and Luna.  
Also some Diamonds for jupiter.  
For by the whiteness and bright sparkling lustres  
We allure th'Intelligences to descend.  RON. 
Furbo and I are those Intelligences  
That must attend upon the Magistery.  ALB. 
Now for the ceremonious sacrifice,  
Provide such creatures as the Moon delights in,  
Two sucking lambs, white as the Alpine snow:  
Yet if they have a mole or two, 'twill pass.  
The Moon herself wants not her spots.  PAN. 
'Tis true.  RON. 
Were they hell-black, we'd make a shift to eat them.  ALB. 
White Capons, Pheasants, Pigeons: one little Blackbird  
Would stain and spoil the work. Get several Wines  
To quench the holy embers: Rhenish, Greek wine,  
White muskadel, sherry, and rich Canary,  
So't be not grown too yellow: for the quicker,  
Brisker, and older, the better for these ceremonies.  
The more abundance, sooner shall we finish.  
For 'tis our rule in such like businesses,  
Who spares most, spends most: either this day must do't,  
Or th'revolution of five hundred years  
Cannot: so fit are all the heavens to help us.  RON. 
A thousand thanks, thou'lt make a complete cheat.  
Thus loaded with this treasure, cheered with wine,  
Strengthened with meat: we'll carry thee in triumph,  
As the great General of our achievement.  PAN. 
Sir, for rich plate and jewels I have store,  
But know not how to furnish you with hangings.  ALB. 
Cannot you borrow from the shops? four hours  
Shall render all as fair as you received it.  PAN. 
That can I easily do.  ALB. 
And hear you sir:  
If you chance meet with boxes of white Comfits,  
Marchpane, dry sucket, Macaroons and diet-bread,  
'Twill help on well.  RON. 
To furnish out our banquet.  ALB. 
I had clean forgot, we must have Amber Greece,  
The greyest can be found, some dozen ounces,  
I'll use but half a dram: but 'tis our fashion  
T'offer a little from a greater lump.  PAN. 
All shall be done with expedition.  ALB. 
And when your man's transformed, the chain you promised.  PAN. 
My hand: my deeds shall wait upon my promise.  ALB. 
Lead then with happy foot to view the chamber.  PAN. 
I go sir. Trincalo attend us here,  
And not a word on peril of thy life.  TRIN. 
Sir, if they kill me I'll not stir a foot,  
And if my tongue's pulled out, not speak a word.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 4.  TRINCALO. CRICCA. TRIN. 
O what a business 'tis to be transformed!  
My master talks of four and twenty hours,  
But if I mue these Flags of Yeomanry,  
Guild in the sear, and shine in bloom of gentry,  
'Tis not their astrology, nor Sacrifice,  
Shall force me cast that coat. I'll never part with't  
Till I be sheriff of th'county, and in commission  
Of Peace and Quorum. Then will I get m'a clerk,  
A practised fellow, wiser than my Worship.  
And domineer amongst my fearful neighbours,  
And feast them bountifully with their own bribes.  CR. 
Trincalo!  TRI. 
Wear a gold chain at every quarter Sessions,  
Look big, and grave, and speak not one wise word.  CR. 
Trincalo!  TRI. 
Examine wenches got with child, and curiously  
Search all the circumstances: have blank Mittimuses  
Printed in readiness; breath nought but Sirrah,  
Rogue, ha? how? hum? Constable look to your charge.  
Then vouch a Statute and a Latin Sentence,  
Wide from the matter.  CR. 
Trincalo.  TR. 
Licence all Alehouses,  
Match my son Transformation t'a knight's daughter,  
And buy a bouncing Pedigree of a welsh herald: and then—  CRI. 
What in such serious meditations?  TRI. 
Faith no; but building Castles in the air.  
While th'weather's fit: O Cricca, such a business!  CRI. 
What is't?  TRI. 
Nay soft, theyare secrets of my master.  
Locked in my breast: he has the key at's purse-strings.  CRI. 
My master's secret? keep it good Farmer, keep it,  
I would not lend an ear to't if thou'dst hire me. Farewell.  TRI. 
O how it boils and swells: if I keep't longer,  
'Twill grow t'impostume in my breast, and choke me, Cricca.  CRI. 
Adieu good Trincalo, the secrets of our betters  
Are dangerous, I dare not know't.  TRI. 
But hear'st thou,  
Say I should tell, canst keep't as close as I do?  CRI. 
Yes: but I had rather want it. Adieu.  TRI. 
Albumazar.  CR. 
Farewell.  TR. 
Albumazar.  CR. 
Prithee.  TR. 
Albumazar  
Th'ginger hath undertaken to change me  
T'antonio's shape: this done, must I give Flavia  
To my old master, and his maid to Trincalo.  CR. 
But where's Pandolfo and Albumazar?  TR. 
Gone newly home to choose a chamber fitting  
For transmutation: So now my heart's at ease.  CR. 
I fear the skill and cunning of Albumazar  
With his black Art, by whom Pandolfo seeks  
To compass Flavia, spite of her brother Lelio,  
And his own son Eugenio that loves her dearly.  
I'll lose no time, but find them and reveal  
The plot and work to cross this accident.  
But Trincalo, art thou so rash and venturous  
To be transformed with hazard of thy life?  TRI. 
What care I for a life, that have a lease  
For three? But I am certain there's no danger in't.  CRI. 
No danger? cut thy finger and that pains thee;  
Then what wilt do to shred and mince thy carcase,  
Bury't in horse-dung, mould it new, and turn it  
t'antonio? and when thouart changed, if Lelio  
Smell out your plot, what worlds of punishment  
Thou must endure, poor Trincalo! The desire  
Of gains abuses thee: be not transformed.  TRI. 
Cricca thou understandest not: for Antonio  
Whom I resemble, suffers all: not I.  CRI. 
Yonder they come, I'll hence and haste to Lelio.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 5.  ALBUMAZAR. PANDOLFO. CRICCA. ALB. 
THe chamber's fit: provide the plate and hangings,  
And other necessaries: give strict order  
The room be cleansed, perfumed, and hanged, meanwhile,  
With astrolabe, and Meteoroscope,  
I'll find the Cusp and Alfriduria,  
And know what Planet is in Cazimi.  PAN. 
All shall be ready sir, as you command it.  TRI. 
Doctor Albumazar, I have a vein of drinking,  
And artery of lechery, runs through my body:  
Pray when you turn me gentleman, preserve  
Those two, if 't may be done with reputation.  ALB. 
Fear not, I'll only call the first, good fellowship,  
And th'other, civil recreation.  TR. 
And when you come to th'heart', spoil not the love of Armellina.  
And in my brain leave as much discretion  
As may spy falsehood in a Tavern reckoning;  
And let me alone for bounty to wink and pay't.  
And if you change me perfectly,  
I'll bring y'a dozen knights for customers.  ALB. 
I warrant thee: sir are you well instructed  
In all these necessaries?  PAN. 
theyare in my table-book.  ALB. 
Forget not clothes for th'new transformed, and robes  
For me to sacrifice: you know the fashion.  
I'll rather change five, than apparel one:  
For men have living souls, clothes are unanimate.  PAN. 
Here take this ring, deliver it to my brother,  
An officer in the Wardrobe, he'll furnish you  
With robes and clothes of any stuff, or fashion.  ALB. 
Almuten Alchochoden of the stars attend you.  PAN. 
I kiss your hands divine ginger.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 6.  PANDOLFO. TRINCALO. PAN. 
UP quickly Trincalo to my child Sulpitia,  
Bid her lay out my fairest Damask tablecloths.  
The fairest Holland sheets, all th'silver plate,  
Two gossips cups of gold: my greatest Diamonds:  
Make haste.  TR. 
As fast as Alchochoden and Almuten  
Can carry me: for sure these two are Devils.  PAN. 
This is that blessed day I so much longed for:  
four hours attendance till my man be changed,  
Fast locks me in the lovely arms of Flavia. Away Trincalo.  
How slow the day slides on! When we desire  
Times hast, it seems to lose a match with Lobsters,  
And when we wish him stay, he imps his wings  
With feathers plumed with thought. Why Trincalo!  TR. 
Here sir.  PAN. 
Come let's away for cloth of silver,  
Wine and materials for the Sacrifice.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 7.  LELIO. EUGENIO. CRICCA. LE. 
Eugenio, these are wonders past belief.  
Is your old father of so poor a judgement  
To think it in the power of man to turn  
One person to another?  EV. 
Lelio, his desire  
T'enjoy your sister Flavia, begets hope,  
Which like a waking dream, makes false appearance  
Lively as truth itself.  LE. 
But who's the man  
That works these miracles?  EVG. 
An ginger.  LE. 
How deals Astrology with transmutation?  CRI. 
Under the vail and colour of Astrology,  
He clouds his hellish skill in Necromancy.  
Believe it, by some Art, or false imposture,  
he'll much disturb your love, and yours, Eugenio.  LE. 
Eugenio, 'tis high time for us t'awake.  
And as you love our Flavia, and I  
Your sister fair Sulpitia; let's do something  
Worthy their beauties. Who falls into a sea,  
Swollen big with tempest, but he boldly beats  
The waves with arms and legs, to save his life?  
So let us strive 'gainst troublous storms of love,  
With our best power, lest after we ascribe  
The loss to our dull negligence, not Fortune.  EV. 
Lelio, had I no interest in your sister,  
The holy league of friendship should command me,  
Besides the seconding Sulpitia's love,  
Who to your nobleness commends her life.  LE. 
She cannot out-love me, nor you out-friend me,  
For th'sacred name whereof, I have rejected  
Your father's offers, importunities,  
Letters, Conditions, Servants, Friends, and lastly  
His tender of Sulpitia in exchange  
For Flavia. But though I love your sister  
Like mine own soul; yet did the laws of friendship  
Master that strong affection; and denied him.  EVG. 
Thanks ever, and as long shall my best service  
Wait on your will. Cricca our hope's in thee,  
Thou must instruct us:  CRI. 
You must trust in Fortune  
That make's or mars the wisest purposes.  LEL. 
What sayst? What thinkst?  CRI. 
Here's no great need of thinking  
Not speech; the oil of scorpions cures their poison.  
The thing itself that's bent to hurt and hinder you  
offers a remedy: 'tis no sooner known  
But th'worst on't is prevented.  EVG. 
How good Cricca?  CRI. 
Soon as you see this false Antonio  
Come near your doors with speeches made of purpose,  
Full of humility and compassion:  
With long narrations how he 'scaped from shipwreck  
And other feigned inventions of his dangers:  
Bid him be gone; and if he press to enter,  
Fear not the reverence of your father's looks,  
Cudgel him thence.  LEL. 
But were't not better Cricca  
Keep him fast locked, till his own shape return,  
And so by open course of Law correct him?  CRIC. 
No. For my master would conceive that counsel  
Sprung from my brains: and so should I repent it.  
Advise no more, but home and charge your people,  
That if Antonio come, they drive him thence  
With threatening words, and blows if need be.  LEL. 
'Tis done.  
I kiss your hands Eugenio.  EVG. 
Your servant, sir.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 8.  EUGENIO. CRICCA. FLAVIA. EVG. 
CRicca commend my service to my Mistress.  CRI. 
Commend it t'her yourself. Marked you not, while  
We talked, how through the window she attended,  
And fed her eyes on you? there she's.  EVG. 
'Tis true.  
And as from nights of Storms the glorious Sun  
breaks from the East, and chaseth thence the Clouds  
That choked the Air with horror; so her beauty  
Dispels sad darkness from my troubled thoughts,  
And clears my heart.  FLA. 
Life of my soul well met.  EVG. 
How is't my dearest Flavia?  FLA. 
Eugenio,  
As best becomes a woman, most unfortunate.  
That having loved so long, and been persuaded  
Her chaste affection was by yours requited,  
Have by delays been famished. Had I concealed  
Those flames your virtue kindled, than you'd sued,  
Entreated, sworn, and vowed, and long ere this  
Wrought all means possible to effect our marriage.  
But now.  EVG. 
Sweet soul despair not, weep not thus,  
Unless you wish my heart should lifeblood drop,  
Fast as your eyes do tears. What is't you fear?  FLA. 
First that you love me not.  EVG. 
Not love my Flavia?  
Wrong not your judgement: rip up this amorous breast  
And in that Temple see a heart that burns  
I'th' vestal sacrifice of chastest love,  
Before your beauty's Deity.  FLA. 
If so,  
Whence grows this coldness in soliciting  
My brother to the match?  EVG. 
Consider sweetest,  
I have a father rival in my love;  
And though no duty, reverence, nor respect  
Have power to change my thoughts: yet 'tis not comely  
With open violence to withstand his will;  
But by fair courses try to divert his mind  
From disproportioned affections.  
And if I cannot, than nor fear of anger,  
Nor life, nor lands, shall cross our purposes.  
Comfort yourself sweet Flavia: for your brother  
seconds our hopes with his best services.  FLA. 
But other fears oppress me: methinks I see  
Antonio my old father, new returned,  
Whom all intelligence gave drowned this three months,  
Enforcing me to marry th'fool Pandolfo,  
Thus to obtain Sulpitia for himself.  
And so last night I dreamed, and ever since  
Have been so scared, that if you haste not  
Expect my death.  EUG 
Dreams flow from thoughts of things we most desire,  
Or fear, and seldom prove true Prophets, would they did.  
Then were I now in full possession  
Of my best Flavia: as I hope I shall be.  CRIC. 
Sir, pray take your leave, this to no end,  
'T will but increase your grief and hers.  EVG. 
Farewell  
Sweet Flavia, rest contented with assurance  
Of my best love and service.  FLA. 
Farewell Eugenio.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 9.  SULPITIA. FLAVIA. SVL. 
FLavia I kiss your hands.  FLA. 
Sulpitia I pray you pardon me, I saw you not.  SV. 
i'faith you have some fixed thoughts draw your eyes inward when you see not your friends before you.  FLA. 
True, and I think the same that trouble you.  SV. 
Then 'tis the love of a young Gentleman, and bitter hatred of an old Dotard.  FLA. 
'Tis so, witness your brother Eugenio, and the rotten carcase of Pandolfo. Had I a hundred hearts, I should want room to entertain his love, and the other's hate.  SV. 
I could say as much, were't not sin to slander the dead. Miserable wenches, how have we offended our fathers, that they should make us the price of their dotage, the medicine of their griefs, that have more need of Physic ourselves? I must be frost-bitten with the cold of your Dad's winter, that mine may thaw his old ice with the Spring of your sixteen. I thank my dead mother that left me a woman's will in her last Testament: That's all the weapons we poor girls can use, and with that will I fight 'gainst father, friends, and kindred, and either enjoy Lelio, or die in the field in's quarrel.  FLA. 
Sulpitia, you are happy that can withstand your fortune with so merry a resolution.  SV. 
Why? should I twine mine arms to cables, and sigh my soul to Air? Sit up all night like a Watching Candle, and distill my brains through my eyelids? your brother loves me, and I love your brother; and where these two consent, I would fain see a third could hinder us.  FLA. 
Alas, our Sex is most wretched, nursed up from infancy in continual slavery. No sooner able to pray for ourselves, but they brayle and hud us so with sour awe of parents, that we dare not offer to bate at our own desires. And whereas it becomes men to vent their amorous passions at their pleasure; we poor souls must rake up our affections in the ashes of a burnt heart, not daring to sigh, without excuse of the Spleen, or fit of the mother.  SVL. 
I plainly will profess my love of Lelio, 'tis honest, chaste, and stains not modesty. Shall I be married to Antonio, that hath been a soused Sea-fish, this three months? and if he be alive comes home with as many impairs, as a Hunting Gelding fallen Packhorse. No, no, I'll see him freeze to Crystal first. In other things, good father, I am your most obedient daughter, but in this a pure woman. 'Tis your part to offer, mine to refuse if I like not. Lelio's a handsome Gentleman, young, fresh, rich, and well-fashioned, and him will Sulpitia have, or die a maid: And i'faith the temper of my blood tells me I was never borne to so cold a misfortune. Fie Flavia, fie wench, no more with tears and sighs, cheer up, Eugenio to my knowledge loves you, and you shall have him: I say you shall have him.  FLA. 
I doubt not of his love, but know no means, how he dares work against so great a Rival: your father in a spleen may disinherit him.  SVL. 
And give't to whom? has none but him and me: What though he dote a while upon your beauty; he will not prove unnatural to his son. Go to your chamber: my Genius whispers in my ear, and swears this night we shall enjoy our loves, and with that hope farewell.  FLA. 
Farewell Sulpitia.   
Finis Act. 2.   

Act. 3.  

Scoen. 1.  PANDOLFO. CRICCA. PAN. 
WHile the ginger hews out Trincalo,  
Squaring and framing him t'antonio,  
Cricca I'll make thee partner of a thought  
That some thing troubles me.  CRI. 
Say, sir, what be't?  PAN. 
I have no heart to give Albumazar  
The chain I promised him.  CRI. 
Deliver it me  
And I'll present it to him in your name.  PA. 
'Thas been an heirloom to our house four hundredth years,  
And should I leave it now, I fear good fortune  
Would sly from us, and follow it.  CRI. 
Then give him  
The price in gold.  PAN. 
It comes to a hundred pounds.  
And how would that well husbanded grow in time?  
I was a fool to promise, I confess it,  
I was too hot and forward in the business.  CRIC. 
Indeed I wondered that your wary thriftiness  
Not wont to drop one penny in a quarter  
Idly, would part with such a sum so easily.  PAN. 
My covetous thrift aims at no other mark  
Then in fit time and place to show my bounty.  
Who gives continually, may want at length  
Wherewith to feed his liberality.  
But for the love of my dear Flavia  
I would not spare my life, much less my treasure.  
Yet if with honour I can win her cheaper,  
Why should I cast away so great sum?  CRI. 
True: I have a trick now hatching in my brain  
How you may handsomely preserve your credit,  
And save the chain.  PAN. 
I would gladly do it,  
But fear he understands us what we say.  CRI. 
What can you lose to try't, if it take  
There's so much saved, if otherwise, nothing lost.  PA. 
What is't good Cricca?  CR. 
Soon as Albumazar comes, loaded with news  
Of th'transmutation of your servant Trincalo,  
I'll entertain him here: meanwhile steal you  
Closely into the room, and quickly hide  
Some special piece of Plate: Then run out amazed,  
Roaring, that all the Street may know you're robbed.  
Next threaten-to attach him and accuse him  
Before a justice, and in th'end agree,  
If he restore the Plate, you'll give the Chain,  
Otherwise not.  PAN. 
But if we be discovered!  
For by his instruments and familiars  
He can do much.  CRI. 
Lay all the fault on Trincalo.  
But here's the main point. If you can dissemble  
Cunningly, and frame your countenance to express  
Pity and anger, that so learned a man  
Should use his friend so basely: If you can call  
An outcry well, roar high, and terrible.  PAN. 
I'll fetch a cry from th'bottom of my heels  
But I'll roar loud enough; and thou must second me  
With wonder at the sudden accident.  CRI. 
But yours is the main part, for as you play't  
You win or lose the chain.  PAN. 
No more, no more, he comes.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 2.  ALBUM. PAND. CRICCA. ALB. 
signor Pandolfo, three quarters of an hour  
renders your servant perfectly transformed.  CR. 
Is he not wholly changed? what parts are wanting?  AL. 
Antonio's shape hath clothed his bulk and visage,  
Only his hands and feet, so large and callous,  
Require more time to supple.  CRI. 
Pray you sir  
How long shall he retain this metamorphosis?  ALB. 
The complete circle of a natural day.  CRI. 
A natural day? Are any days unnatural?  ALB. 
I mean the revolution o'th' first mover,  
Just twice twelve hours, in which period the rapt motion thieves, thieves!  
rolls all the Orbs from East to Occident.  PAN. 
Help, help, thieves, thieves, neighbours I am robbed,  CRI. 
What a noise make you sir?  PAN. 
Have I not reason  
That thus am robbed, thieves, thieves, call Constables,  
The Watch, and Sergeants. Friends and Constables,  
Neighbours I am undone.  CRI. 
This well begun  
So he hold out still with a higher strain.  
What ails you sir?  PAN. 
Cricca my chamber's spoiled  
Of all my hangings, clothes, and silver plate.  CRIC. 
Why this is bravely feigned; continue sir.  PAN. 
Lay all the goldsmiths, Keepers, Marshals, Bailiffs.  CRIC. 
Fie sir, your passion falls, cry louder, roar  
That all the Street may hear.  PAN. 
thieves, thieves, thieves!  
All that I had is gone, and more than all.  CRIC. 
Ha, ha, ha: hold out, hold out; lay out a lions throat,  
A little louder.  PAN. 
I can cry no longer,  
My throat's sore, I am robbed, I am robbed, als gone.  
Both my own treasure, and the things I borrowed.  
Make thou an outcry, I have lost my voice:  
Cry fire, and then they'll hear thee.  CR. 
good, good, thieves,  
What ha' you lost?  PAN. 
Wine, jewels, tablecloths,  
A cupboard of rich plate.  CRIC. 
Fie, you'll spoil all.  
Now you outdo it. Say but a bowl or two.  PAN. 
Villain, I say als gone; The room's as clean  
As a wiped looking-glass: oi me, oi me.  CR. 
What, in good earnest?  PA. 
Fool in accursed earnest.  CR. 
You gull me sure.  PAN. 
The window towards the South stand's open, from whence  
Went all my treasure. Where's th'ginger?  ALB. 
Here sir: and hardly can abstain from laughing  
To see you vex yourself in vain.  PAN. 
In vain Albumazar?  
I left my plate with you, and 'tis all vanished,  
And you shall answer it.  ALB. 
O! were it possible  
By power of Art, to check what Art hath done,  
Your man should near be changed: To wrong me thus  
With foul suspicion of flat felony?  
Your Plate, your cloth of silver, wine, and jewels,  
Linen, and all the rest, I gave to Trincalo,  
And for more safety, locked them in the lobby.  
he'll keep them carefully. But as you love your Mistress  
Disturb him not this half hour, lest you'll have him  
Like to a Centaur, half Clown, half Gentleman.  
Suffer his foot and hand that's yet untouched,  
To be ennobled like his other members.  PAN. 
Albumazar, I pray you pardon me,  
Th'unlooked-for bareness of the room amazed me.  ALB. 
How? think you me so negligent to commit  
So rich a mass of treasure to th'open danger  
Of a large casement, and suspicious Alley?  
No sir, my sacrifice no sooner done  
But I wrapped all up safe, and gave it Trincalo.  
I could be angry, but that your sudden fear  
Excuses you. Fie, such a noise as this  
Half an hour past, had scared th'intelligences,  
And spoiled the work, but no harm done: go walk  
Westward, directly Westward, one half hour:  
Then turn back, and take your servant turned t'antonio.  
And as you like my skill perform your promise.  
I mean the Chain.  PAN. 
Content. Let's still go Westward,  
Westward good Cricca, still directly Westward.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 3.  ALBUM. RONCA. HARPAX. FURBO. ALB. 
HArpax. Furbo, and Ronca, come out, als clear,  
Why here's a noble prize worth venturing for.  
Is not this braver than sneak all night in danger,  
Picking of locks, or hooking clothes at windows?  
Here's plate, and gold, and cloth, and meat and wine,  
All rich: and easily got. Ronca stay here about,  
And wait till Trincalo come forth: Then call him  
With a low reverence Antonio,  
Give him this gold with thanks, tell him he lent it  
Before he went to Barbary.  RON. 
How lose ten pieces?  ALB. 
There's a necessity in't, devise some course  
To get't again: if not; our gain's sufficient  
To bear that loss. Furbo find out Bavilona  
The Courtesan, let her feign herself a Gentlewoman  
Enamoured of Antonio, bid her invite him  
To banquet with her, and by all means possible  
Force him stay there two hours.  HAR. 
Why two hours?  ALB. 
That in that time thou mayst convey  
Our treasure to the Inn, and speak a boat  
Ready for Gravesend, and provide a supper:  
Where, with those precious liquours, and good meats,  
we'll cheer ourselves; and thus well fed, and merry,  
Take Boat by night.  FVR. 
And what will you do?  ALB. 
First in and usher out our changeling Trincalo:  
Then finish up a business of great profit,  
Begun with a rich Merchant, that admires  
My skill in Alchemy. I must not lose it.  RON. 
Harpax bestow the plate, Furbo our beards,  
Black patches for our eyes, and other properties,  
And at the time and place meet all at Supper.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 4.  ALBUMAZAR. TRINCALO. AL. 
STand forth transformed Antonio fully mewed  
From brown soar feathers of dull yeomanry  
To th'glorious bloom of gentry; prune yourself slick,  
Swear boldly you're the man you represent  
To all that dare deny't.  TRI. 
I find my thoughts  
Most strangely altered; but methinks my face  
Feels still like Trincalo.  ALB. 
You imagine so.  
Senses are oft deceived. As an attentive Angler  
Fixing his steady eyes on the swift streams  
Of a steep tumbling torrent, no sooner turns  
His sight to land, but giddy, thinks the firm banks  
And constant trees, move like the running waters:  
So you that thirty years have lived in Trincalo,  
Changed suddenly, think you're so still; but instantly  
These thoughts will vanish.  TRI. 
Give me a looking-glass  
To read your skill in these new lineaments.  ALB. 
I'd rather give you poison: for a glass  
By secret power of cross reflections,  
And optic virtue, spoils the wondrous work  
Of transformation, and in a moment turns you.  
Spite of my skill, to Trincalo, as before.  
We read that Apuleius by a rose  
Changed from an Ass to Man: so by a mirror,  
You'll lose this noble lustre, and turn Ass.  
I humbly take my leave; but still remember  
T'avoid the Devil and a looking glass.  
new-born Antonio, I kiss your hands.  TRI. 
Divine Albumazar I kiss your hands.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 5.  TRINCA. RONCA. TR. 
NOw am I grown a gentleman, and a fine one,  
I know't by th'kissing of my hands so courtly,  
My courteous knees bend in so true a distance,  
As if my foot walked in a frame of purpose.  
Thus I accost you: or thus, sweet sir, your servant:  
Nay more, your servants servant: that's your grand-servant.  
I could descend from th'top of Paul's to th'bottom,  
And on each step strew parting compliments,  
Strive for a door while a good Carpenter  
Might make a new one. I am your shadow sir,  
And bound to wait upon you. I'faith I will not: pray sir, etc.  
O brave Albumazar!  RON. 
Just Aesop's Crow, prinked up in borrowed feathers.  TRI. 
My veins are filled with newness: o for a Chirurgeon  
To ope this Arm, and view my gentle blood,  
To try if't run two thousand pounds a year.  
I feel my understanding is enlarged  
With the rare knowledge of this latter age.  
A sacred fury oversways me. Prime!  
Deal quickly, play, discard, I set ten shillings six pence.  
You see't? my rest, five and fifty. Boy, more cards;  
And as thou go'st, lay out some roaring oaths  
For me; I'll pay thee again with interest.  
O brave Albumazar!  RON. 
How his imagination boils, and works in all things  
He ever saw or heard!  TRI. 
At gleek? content.  
A mournival of asses, gleek of Knaves,  
Just nine apiece. Sir my grey barbary  
'Gainst your dun cow, three train scents and th'course,  
For fifty pound: as I am a gentleman  
I'll meet next Cocking, and bring a haggard with me  
That stoops as free as lightning, strikes like thunder.  
I lie? my reputation you shall hear on't.  
O brave Albumazar!  RON. 
he'll grow stark mad I fear me.  TR. 
Now I know  
I am perfectly transformed, my mind incites me  
To challenge some brave fellow for my credit,  
And for more safety, get some friend in private  
To take the business up in peace and quiet.  RON. 
signor Antonio?  TRI. 
There's not a crumb of Trincalo.  
In all this frame, but th'love of Armellina:  
Were't not for thee I'd travail, and home again  
As wise as I went over.  RON. 
signor Antonio? welcome ten thousand times:  
Blessed be the Heavens and seas for your return.  TRI. 
I thank you sir: Antonio is your servant,  
I am glad to see you well. Fie, I kiss your hands: and thus accost you.  RON. 
This three months all your kindred, friends and children,  
Mourned for your death.  TRI. 
And so they well might do,  
For five days I was under water; and at length  
Got up and spread myself upon a chest,  
Rowing with arms, and steering with my feet;  
And thus in five days more got land: believe it  
I made a most incredible escape,  
And safe return from barbary: at your service.  RON. 
Welcome ten thousand times from barbary.  
No friend more glad to see Antonio  
Then I: nor am I thus for hope of gain;  
But that I find occasion to be grateful  
By your return. Do you remember sir,  
Before you went, as I was once arrested,  
And could not put in bail; you passing by,  
Lent me ten pound, and so discharged the debt?  TRI. 
Yes, yes, as well as 'twere but yesterday.  RON. 
Oft have I waited at your house with money,  
And many thanks: but you were still beyond seas.  
Now am I happy of this fair occasion  
To testify my honest care to pay you:  
For you may need it.  TRIN. 
Sir, I do indeed,  
Witness my treasure cast away by shipwreck.  RO. 
Here sir.  TR. 
Is the gold good, for mine was good I lent you.  RO. 
It was, and so is this. signor Antonio, for this courtesy  
Call me your servant.  TR. 
Farewell good servant, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I know not so much as his name! ten pound? this change is better than my birth: for in all the years of my yeomanry I could never yoke two crowns, and now I have herded ten fair twenty shilling pieces. Now will I go to this ginger, and hire him turn my Cart to a caroche, my four jades to two pair of Dutch mares, my mistress Armellina to a Lady, my plowboy Dick to two guarded footmen: then will I hurry myself to the mercer's books, wear rich clothes, be called Tony by a great man, sell my lands, pay no debts, hate Citizens, and beat Sergeants: and when all fails, sneak out of Antonio with a twopenny looking-glass, and turn as true Trincalo as ever.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 6.  HARPAX. TRINCALO. HAR. 
signor Antonio, welcome.  TRI. 
My life here's ten pound more. I thank you heartily.  HARP. 
Never in fitter season could I find you.  
If you remember sir, before you went  
To Barbary, I lent you ten pound in gold.  TRIN. 
Faith I remember no such thing excuse me.  
What may I call your name?  HARP. 
My name is Harpax,  
Your friend and neighbour, of your old acquaintance,  TRIN. 
What Harpax! I am your servant, I kiss your hands:  
You must excuse me, you never lent me money.  HAR. 
Sir, as I live, ten twenty-shilling pieces.  TRI. 
Dangers at Sea, I find, have hurt my memory.  HAR. 
Why here's your own hand-writing sealed and signed,  
In presence of your cozen julio.  TRI. 
'Tis true, 'tis true; but I sustained great losses  
By reason of the shipwreck. Here's five pieces,  
Will that content you? and tomorrow morning  
Come to my house and take the rest.  HAR. 
Well sir,  
Though my necessity would importune you  
For all, yet on your worship's word, the rest  
I'll call for in the morning. Farewell Antonio.  TRI. 
I see we gentlemen can sometime borrow  
As well as lend, and are as loath to pay  
As meaner men. I'll home, lest other creditors  
Call for the rest.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 7.  RONCA. TRINCALO. RON. 
signor Antonio? I saw you as you landed,  
And in great haste followed to congratulate  
Your safe return, with these most wish't embraces.  TRI. 
And I accept your joy with like affection.  
How do you call yourself?  RON. 
Have you forgot  
Your dear friend Ronca, whom you loved so well?  TRI. 
O I remember now my dear friend Ronca.  RON. 
Thanks to the fortune of the seas that saved you.  TRI. 
I fear I owe him money: how shall I shift him?  
How does your body Ronca?  RON. 
My dear Antonio,  
Never so well as now I have the power  
Thus to embrace my friend, whom all th'Exchange  
Gave drowned for three whole months. My dear Antonio.  TR. 
I thank you sir.  RO. 
I thank you.  TR. 
While my dear Ronca  
Clipped me, my purse shook dangerously; yet both his arms  
And hands embraced my neck: here's none behind me,  
How can this be?  RON. 
Most dear Antonio,  
Was not your passage dangerous from barbary?  
We had great winds and tempests; and I fear me,  
You felt the force at sea.  TRI. 
Yes dearest Ronca.  
How's this? I see his hands, and yet my purse is gone.  RO. 
signor Antonio, I see your mind's much troubled  
About affairs of worth; I take my leave,  
And kiss your hands of liberality.  TRI. 
And kiss my hands of liberality?  
I gave him nothing: O my purse, my purse!  
Dear master Ronca.  RON. 
What's your pleasure sir?  TR. 
Show me your hand.  RO. 
Here 'tis.  TR. 
But where's th'other?  RON. 
Why here.  TRI. 
But I mean where's your other hand?  RON. 
Think you me the Giant with a hundred hands?  TR. 
Give me your right.  RO. 
My right?  TR. 
Your left.  RO. 
My left?  TR. 
Now both.  RON. 
There's both my dear Antonio▪  
Keep yourself dark, eat broth; your fearful passage,  
And want of natural rest hath made you frantic.  TRI. 
Villain, rogue, cutpurse, thief, dear Ronca stay: he's gone  
I'th' devils name, how could this fellow do it?  
I felt his hands fast locked about my neck;  
And still he spoke, it could not be his mouth  
For that was full of dear Antonio.  
My life he stol't with's feet: such a trick more  
Will work worse with me then a looking-glass.  
To lose five pound in curtsy, and the rest  
In salutation!  RON. 
signor Antonio,  
What ails you?  TRI. 
Ronca a rogue, a cutpurse,  
Hath robbed me of five twenty-shilling pieces.  RON. 
What kind of man was he? something like me?  TRI. 
Had such a thievish countenance as your own,  
But that he wore a black patch o'er his eye.  RON. 
Met you with Ronca? 'tis the cunningest nimmer  
Of the whole company of cutpurse hall▪  
I am sorry I was not here to warn you of him.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 8.  FURBO. BEVILONA. TRINCALO. BE. 
furbo no more, unless thy words were charms  
Of power to revive him: Antonio's dead.  
he's dead, and in his death hath buried  
All my delights: my ears are deaf to music  
That sounds of pleasure: sing then the doleful'st notes  
That ere were set by melancholy: O Antonio!  Furbo sings this song. 
Flow streams of liquid salt from my sad eyes,  
To celebrate his mournful exequies.  
Antonio's dead, he's dead, and I remain  
To draw my poor life in continual pain,  
Till it have paid to his sad memory  
Duty of love: o then most willingly  
Drowned with my tears, as he with waves, I die.  BE. 
Break thy sad strings, and instrument: O strange! he's here.  
signor Antonio! my heart's sweet content!  
My life and better portion of my soul!  
Are you returned? and safe? for whose sad death  
I spent such streams of tears, and gusts of sighs?  
Or is't my love, that to my longing fancy  
Frames your desired shape, and mocks my senses?  TRI. 
Whom do you talk withal fair gentlewoman?  BE. 
With my best friend, commander of my life,  
My most beloved Antonio.  TRI. 
With me?  
What's your desire with me sweet Lady?  BE. 
Sir to command me, as you have done ever,  
To what you please: for all my liberty  
Lies in your service.  TRI. 
Now I smell the business.  
This is some gentlewoman enamoured  
With him whose shape I bear: Fie, what an Ass  
Was I to strange myself, and lose th'occasion  
Of a good banquet, and her company?  
I'll mend it as I can. madam I did but jest  
To try if absence caused you to forget  
A friend that loved you ever.  BEV. 
Forget Antonio,  
Whose dear remembrance doth inform the soul  
Of your poor servant Bevilona? no,  
No, had you died, it had not quenched one spark  
Of th'sweet affection which your love hath kindled  
In this warm breast.  TRI. 
Madam, the waves had drowned me.  
But that your love held up my chin.  BEV. 
will't please you  
Enter, and rest yourself, refresh the weariness  
Of your hard travel: I have good wine and fruits,  
My husband's out of town: you shall command  
My house, & all that's in't.  TR. 
Why are you married?  BE. 
Have you forgot my husband? an angry roarer?  TR. 
O I remember him: but if he come?  BE. 
Whence grows this fear? how come you so respectful?  
You were not wont be numbed with such a coldness.  
Go in sweet life, go in.  TRIN. 
O! I remember while I lived in Barbary  
A pretty song the moors sing to a gridiron:  
Sweet madam by your favour I'll sing't to this.  
Alcoch Dolash, etc. Thus 'tis in English.  
My heart in flames doth fry  
Of thy beauty,  
While I  
Die.  
Fie?  
And why  
Shouldst thou deny  
Me thy sweet company?  
My brains to tears do flow  
While all below  
Doth glow.  
O!  
Foe  
If so,  
How canst thou go  
About to say me no?  
This the moors call two wings upon a Gridiron.  
But it goes sweeter far o'th' iron Instrument.  BEV. 
There's one within my Kitchen ready strung: go in.  TRI. 
Sweet Lady pardon me, I'll follow you.  
Happy Antonio in so rare a Mistress!  
But happier I, that in his place enjoy her:  
I say still, there's no pleasure like Transforming.   

ACT. 3. SCEN. 9.  RONCA. BEVIL. TRINCALO. RON. 
NOw is the Ass expecting of a banquet,  
Ready to court, embrace, and kiss his Mistress.  
But I'll soon stave him. Tick, tock, what ho!  BEV. 
Who's that so boldly knocks? I am not within;  
Or busy: Why so importunate? who is't?  RON. 
'Tis I.  BE. 
Your name?  RO. 
Thomas up William, up Morgan, up Davie, up Roger, etc.  TRI. 
Spinola's camp's broke loose: a troop of Soldiers!  BEV. 
oi me! my Husband! oi me wretch, 'tis my Husband.  TRI. 
One man, and wear so many names!  BEV. 
O sir,  
'Has more outrageous devils in his rage,  
Than names. As you respect your life, avoid him.  
Down at that window.  TR. 
'Tis as high as Paul's.  
Open the Garden door.  BEV. 
He 'has the keys.  
Down at some window, as you love your life,  
Tender my honour, and your safety.  RON. 
Bevilona?  
Down, or I'll break the doors, and with the splinters  
Beat all thy bones to pieces: Down you whore!  BEV. 
Be patient but a little; I come instantly.  TRI. 
Ha'you no trunk nor chest to hide me?  BE. 
None sir.  
Alas I am clean undone, it is my Husband.  RON. 
Doubtless, this whore hath some of her companions  
That wrong me thus. But if I catch the villain,  
I'll bathe my hungry sword, and sharp revenge,  
In his heart-blood. Come down.  BEV. 
I cannot stay.  
There stands an empty Hogshead with a false bottom  
To ope and shut at pleasure: come hither, in,  
In, as you love your life.  TRI. 
But hear you Madam,  
Is there no looking-glass within't, for I hate glasses  
As naturally, as some do Cats, or Cheese.  BEV. 
In, in, there's none.  RO. 
Who now? Is the Ass past?  BEV. 
I turned him up, ha, ha, ha, I fear he'll fall a working.  RON. 
Second me handsomely, we'll entertain him  
An hour or two, and laugh and get his clothes  
To make our sport up. Wife, where's the empty hogshead  
That wont to stand under the stairs?  BE. 
There still.  RON. 
Out with it quickly: I must have it filled.  BE. 
Not today, good sir, tomorrow will serve as well.  RO. 
I must ha''t now.  BE. 
'Tis more than I can carry.  RON. 
I'll help thee: so, so. Foh! this vessel's musty.  
Fetch out some water.  BEV. 
Fetch't yourself.  TRI. 
Pox of all Transmutation, I am smothered.  
Lady, as you love me, give the Hogshead vent.  
The beer that's in't will work and break the vessel.  BEV. 
signor Antonio, as you love your life  
Lie still and close, for if you stir you die.  RON. 
So, so, now shake it, so, so.  TR. 
Oh I am drowned, I drown!  RO. 
Whence comes this hollow sound?  TR. 
I drown, I smother!  RON. 
My life 'tis Trincalo, For I have heard that Coxcomb,  
That Ass, that Clown, seeks to corrupt my wife,  
Sending his fruit and dainties from the Country.  
O that 'twere he. How would I use the villain!  
First crop his ears, then slit his nose, and geld him,  
And with a red hot Iron sear his raw wounds;  
Then barrel him again, and send the Eunuch  
To the great Turk to keep his Concubines. Tick, tock, who's within here?  BEV. 
One that you dare not touch.  RON. 
One that I dare not?  
Out villain, out. signor Antonio!  
Had it been any but yourself, he had died.  
But as you saved my life before you went,  
So now command mine in your services.  
I would have sworn you'd drowned in Barbary.  TRI. 
'Twas a hard passage: but not so dangerous  
As was this Vessel. Pray you conceive no ill,  
I meant no harm, but called at your wife to know  
How my son Lelio did, and daughter Flavia.  RON. 
Sir I believe you.  TRI. 
But I must tell you one thing,  
You must not be so jealous, on my honour  
she's very honest.  RO. 
For you I make no question.  
But there's a rogue called Trincalo, whom if I catch.  
I'll teach him.  TR. 
Who? you mean Pandolfo's Farmer.  
Alas poor fool, he's a stark Ass, but harmless.  
And though she talk with him, 'tis but to laugh,  
As all the world does at him: Come be friends  
At my entreaty.  RON. 
Sir, for your sake.  BE. 
I thank you.  TRI. 
Let's have a fire; and while I dry myself,  
Provide good wine and meat. I'll dine with you.  
I must not home thus wet. I am something bold with you.  RON. 
My house and self are at your service.  TR. 
Lead in.  
Alas poor, Trincalo hadst thou been taken,  
Thou hadst been turned for Turkey. Ha; ha, ha; fair fall Antonio's shape.  
What a notorious wittal's this! Ha, ha, ha.   
Finis Act. 3.   

Act. 4.  

Scoen. 1.  ANTONIO. 
THus by great favour of propitious Stars,  
From fearful storms, shipwreck, and raging billows,  
Merciless jaws of death, am I returned  
To th'safe and quiet bosom of my Country,  
And wished embracements of my friends and kindred.  
The memory of these misfortunes past,  
seasons the welcome, and augments the pleasure  
I shall receive of my son Lelio,  
And daughter Flavia. So doth alloy  
Make gold, that else were useless, serviceable.  
So th'rugged forehead of a threatening Mountain,  
Threatens the smoothness of a smiling Valley.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 2.  CRICCA. ANTONIO. CRI. 
WHat do I see? Is not this Trincalo  
Transformed t'antonio? 'tis: and so perfectly  
That did the right Antonio now confront him,  
I'd swear they both were true, or both were false.  ANT. 
This man admires the unexpectedness  
Of my return.  CR. 
O wondrous power of Stars,  
And skill of Art t'apply 't. You that are married  
May justly fear, lest this ginger  
Cloth your wives servants in your shape, and use you  
As jupiter did Amphitrio: You that are rich,  
In your own form may lose your gold.  ANT. 
'Tis Cricca.  CRI. 
He seems so just the man he represents,  
That I dare hardly use him as I purposed.  ANT. 
Cricca, well met, how fares my friend Pandolfo?  CRI. 
Your friend Pandolfo? How are your means improved;  
To style familiarly your Master friend?  ANT. 
What sayst thou?  CRI. 
That I rejoice your Worship's safe returned  
From your late drowning. Th'Exchange hath given you lost.  
And all your friends worn mourning three months past.  ANT. 
The danger of the Shipwreck I escaped  
So desperate was, that I may truly say  
I am new borne, not saved.  CRI. 
Ha, ha, ha, through what a grace  
And goodly countenance, the Rascal speaks?  
What a grave portance? Could Antonio  
Himself outdo him? o you notorious villain!  
Who would have thought thou couldst have thus dissembled?  ANT. 
How now? a servant thus familiar? sirrah  
Use your companions so: more reverence  
becomes you better.  CRI. 
As though I understood not,  
The end of all this plot and goodly business?  
Come I know all, see! this untiled clod of earth  
Conceits his mind transformed, as well as body.  
He wrings and bites his lips for fear of laughing. Ha, ha, ha!  ANT. 
Why laugh you sirrah?  CRI. 
Sirrah, to see thee changed  
So strangely, that I can not spy one inch  
Of thy old Clownish Carcase. Ha, ha.  ANT. 
Laughter proceeds  
From absurd actions that are harmless.  CRI. 
Ha, ha, ha.  
Sententious Blockhead!  ANT. 
And you're ill advised  
To jest instead of pity. Alas! my miseries,  
Dangers of death, slavery of cruel moors,  
And tedious journeys, might have easily altered  
A stronger body; much more this decayed vessel,  
Outworn with age, and broken by misfortunes.  CR. 
Leave your set speeches. Go to Antonio's house,  
Effect your business. For upon my credit  
thouart so well turned, they dare not but accept thee.  ANT. 
Where should I hope for welcome, if not there;  
From my own house, children, and family?  CRI. 
Is't possible this. Coxcomb should conceive  
His mind transformed? How gravely he continues  
The countenance he began? Ha, ha. Why blockhead?  
Thinkest to deceive me too? Why Trincalo?  AN. 
I understand you not. Hands off.  CRI. 
Art not thou Trincalo,  
Pandolfo's man?  ANT. 
I not so much as know him.  CRI. 
Dar'st thou deny't to me?  AN. 
I dare, and must  
To all the world, 'long as Antonio lives.  CR. 
You arrant Ass, have not I known thee serve  
My Master in his Farm this thirteen years?  ANT. 
By all the oaths that bind men's consciences  
To truth, I am Antonio; and no other.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 4.  PANDOLFO. CRICCA. ANTONIO. PAN. 
WHat means this noise? o Cricca! what's the matter?  CR. 
Sir hear's your Farmer Trincalo, transformed  
So just, as he were melted, and new cast  
In the true mould of old Antonio.  PAN. 
Th'right eye's no liker to the left, than he  
To my good neighbour. Divine Albumazar!  
How I admire thy skill! just so he looked,  
And thus he walked; this is his face, his hair,  
His eyes, and countenance; If his voice be like  
Then is th'ginger a wonder-worker.  ANT. 
signor Pandolfo, I thank the heavens as much  
To find you well, as for my own return.  
How does your daughter, and my love, Sulpitia?  PAN. 
Well, well, sir.  CRI. 
This is a good beginning,  
How naturally the rogue dissembles it?  
With what a gentle garb, and civil grace  
He speaks and looks: How cunningly Albumazar  
Hath for our purpose suited him in Barbary clothes. I'll try him further: Sir,  
We heard you were drowned, pray you, how 'scaped you shipwreck?  ANT. 
No sooner was I shipped for Barbary,  
But fair wind followed, and fair weather led us.  
When entered in the Straits of Gibraltar,  
The heavens, and seas, and earth, conspired against us,  
The tempest tore our helm, and rent our tackles,  
Broke the main Mast, while all the sea about us  
Stood up in watery Mountains to overwhelm us.  
And struck's against a Rock, splitting the vessel  
T'a thousand splinters. ay, with two Mariners  
Swam to the Coast, where by the barbarous moors  
We were surprised, fettered, and sold for slaves.  CR. 
This tale th'ginger penned, and he hath con it.  ANT. 
But by a Gentleman of Italy  
Whom I had known before.  PAN. 
No more, this taste  
proves thou canst play the rest. For this fair story  
My hand I make thy ten pound, twenty Marks.  
Thou look'st and speak'st so like Antonio.  ANT. 
Whom should I look, and speak like, but myself?  CRI. 
Good still.  PAN. 
But now my honest Trincalo,  
Tell me, where's all the Plate, the gold, and jewels,  
That the ginger, when he had transformed thee  
Committed to thy charge? are they safe locked?  ANT. 
I understand you not.  PAN. 
The jewels man,  
The Plate and gold th'ginger that changed thee  
bade thee lay up?  ANT. 
What plate? what gold? what jewels.  
What transformation? what ginger?  CRI. 
Leave of Antonio now, and speak like Trincalo.  ANT. 
Leave of your jesting; it neither fits your place  
Nor age, Pandolfo, to scoff your ancient friend.  
I know not what you mean by gold and jewels,  
Nor by th'ginger, nor Trincalo.  CRIC. 
Better and better still. Believe me sir,  
He thinks himself Antonio, and ever shall be,  
And so possess your Plate. Art not thou Trincalo  
My masters Farmer?  ANT. 
I am Antonio  
Your Master's friend, if he teach you more manners.  PAN. 
Humour of wiving's gone: farewell good Flavia,  
Three thousand pound must not be lost so slightly.  
Come sir, we'll drag you to th'ginger,  
And turn you to your ragged bark of Yeomanry.  AN. 
To me these terms!  PAN. 
Come I'll not lose my Plate.  CRI. 
Stay, sir, and take my counsel. Let him still  
Firmly conceit himself the man he seems:  
Thus he himself deceived, will far more earnestly  
Effect your business, and deceive the rest.  
There's a main difference twixt a self-bred action  
And a forced carriage. Suffer him then to enter  
Antonio's house: and wait th'event: for him  
He cannot scape: What you intend to do,  
Do't when 'has served your turn. I see the Maid,  
Let's hence lest they suspect our consultations.  PAN. 
Thy counsel's good: Away.  CR. 
Look Trincalo  
Yonder's your beauteous Mistress Armellina,  
And daughter Flavia. Courage, I warrant thee.  ANT. 
Blessed be the heavens, that rid me of this trouble.  
For with their Farmer and ginger,  
Plate, and gold, the'ave almost madded me.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 4.  FLAVIA. ARMELLINA. ANTONIO. FLA. 
ARmellina?  ARM. 
Mistress.  FLA. 
Is the door fast?  AR. 
Yes, as an usurers purse.  FL. 
Come hither wench.  
Look here, there's Trincalo, Pandolfo's Farmer  
Wrapped in my father's shape: prithee come quickly,  
And help me to abuse him.  AR. 
Notorious Clown!  ANT. 
These are my gates, and that's the Cabinet  
That keeps my jewels, Lelio, and his sister.  FLA. 
Never was villainy so personate  
In seemly properties of gravity.  AN. 
Tick, tock.  FLA. 
Who's he that knocks so boldly?  AR. 
What want you, sir?  AN. 
O my fair daughter Flavia! Let all the Stars  
power down full blessings on thee. Open the doors.  FLA. 
Mark! his fair daughter Flavia ha, ha, ha.  
Most shameless villain how he counterfeits!  AN. 
Know'st not thy father, old Antonio?  
Is all the world grown frantic?  FL. 
What Antonio?  AN. 
Thy loving father, Flavia.  FL. 
My father!  
Would thou wert in his place. Antonio's dead,  
Dead, under water drowned.  AN. 
That dead and drowned  
Am I.  FLA. 
I love not to converse with dead men.  ANT. 
Open the door sweet Flavia.  FLA. 
Sir I am afeared:  
Horror encloses me, my hairs stand up,  
I sweat to hear a dead man speak, you smell  
Of putrefaction: Fie I feel't hither.  AN. 
thouart much abused, I live: come down, and know me.  AR. 
Mistress let me have some sport too. Who's there?  AN. 
Let me come in.  AR. 
Soft, soft sir, You're too hasty.  AN. 
Quickly, or else—  AR. 
Good words, good words, I pray sir,  
In stranger's houses! were the doors your own,  
You might be bolder.  AN. 
I'll beat the doors and windows  
About your ears.  AR. 
Are you so hot? we'll cool you.  
Since your late drowning, your grey and reverent head  
Is smeared with Oes, and stuck with cockleshells,  
This is to wash it.  AN. 
Impudent whore!  ARM. 
Out Carter.  
Hence dirty whipstock, hence you foul clown: be gone,  
Or all the water I can make, or borrow,  
Shall once more drown you.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 5.  LELIO. ANTONIO. ARMELLINA. LE. 
ARmellina? whom do you draw your tongue upon so sharply?  ARM. 
Sir, 'tis your father's ghost, that strives by force  
To break the doors and enter.  LE. 
This his grave looks!  
In every lineament himself no liker.  
Had I not haply been advertised,  
What could have forced me think 'twere Trincalo?  
Doubtless, th'ginger hath raised a ghost  
That walks in th'reverend ghost of my dead father.  ANT. 
These ghosts, these Trincalo's, and Astrologers,  
Strike me beside myself. Who will receive me  
When mine own son refuseth? o Antonio!  LE. 
Infinite power of Art! who would believe  
The planet's influence could transform a man  
To several shapes! I could now beat him soundly  
But that he wears the awful countenance  
Of my dead father, whose memory I reverence.  AN. 
If I be changed beyond thy knowledge, son,  
Consider that th'excess of heat in barbary,  
The fear of shipwreck, and long tedious journeys,  
Have tanned my skin, and shrunk my eyes and cheeks;  
Yet still this face, though altered, may be known.  
This scar bears witness, 'twas the wound thou curedst  
With thine own hands.  LE. 
He that changed Trincalo  
T' Antonio's figure, omitted not the scar  
As a main character.  AN. 
I have no other marks  
Or reasons to persuade thee; methinks, this word  
I am thy father, were argument sufficient  
To bend my knees, and creep to my embracements.  LE. 
A sudden coldness strikes me, my tender heart  
Beats with compassion of I know not what.  
Sirrah be gone, truss up your goodly speeches,  
Sad shipwrecks, and strange transformations.  
Your plot's discovered, 'twill not take: thy impudence  
For once I pardon. The pious reverence.  
I owe to th'grave resemblance of my father  
Holds back my angry hands. Hence, if I catch you  
Haunting my doors again, I'll bastonado you  
Out of Antonio's skin. Away.  ANT. 
I go sir,  
And yield to such cross fortune as thus drives me.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 6.  TRINCALO. and BEVILONA dressing him. TRI. 
When this transformed substance of my carcase  
Did live imprisoned in a wanton hogshead,  
My name was Don Antonio, and that title  
Preserved my life, and changed my suit of clothes.  
How kindly the good Gentlewoman used me! with what respect and careful tenderness! Your worship sit had ever a sickly constitution, and I fear much more now since your long travail▪ as you love me, off with these wet things, and put on the suit you left with me before you went to Barbary. Good sir neglect not your health: for upon my experience there's nothing worse for the rheum, than to be drenched in a musty hogshead. Pretty soul! such another speech would have drawn off my legs and arms, as easily as hose and doublet. Had I been Trincalo I'd have sworn th'had cheated. But fie! 'tis base and clownish to suspect, and a gentlewoman's freeness to part with a cast suit. Now to the business. I'll in to my own house, and first bestow Armellina upon Trincalo, then try what can be done for Pandolfo: for 'tis a rule I wont t'observe. First do your own affairs, and next your masters. This word master makes me doubt I am not changed as I should be. But als one, I'll venture, and do something worthy Antonio's name while I have it.   

ACT. 2. SCEN. 7.  ANTONIO. TRINCALO. AN. 
WRetched Antonio, hast been preserved so strangely  
From foreign miseries to be wronged at home?  
barred from thy house by th'scorns of thine own children?  TRIN. 
Tick, tock.  ANT. 
But stay, there's on knocks boldly, may be some friend.  TRIN. 
Tick, tock.  ANT. 
Dwell you here gentleman?  TRI. 
He calls me gentleman.  
See th'virtue of good clothes: all men salute,  
Honour, respect and reverence us.  ANT. 
Young gentleman,  
Let me without offence entreat your name,  
And why you knock.  TRI. 
How sirrah Saucebox, my name?  
Or thou some stranger art, or grossly ignorant  
That know'st not me. Ha! what art thou that ask'st it?  ANT. 
Be not in choler sir.  TRIN. 
Befits it me,  
A gentleman of public reputation,  
To stoop so low as satisfy the questions  
Of base and earthly pieces like thyself? What art thou? ha?  ANT. 
Th'unfortunate possessor of this house.  TRI. 
Thou liest base Sycophant, my worship owes it.  AN. 
'May be my son hath sold it in my absence,  
Thinking me dead. How long hast called you master?  TRI. 
'Long as Antonio possessed it.  AN. 
Which Antonio?  TRI. 
Antonio Anastasio.  TRI. 
That Anastasio,  
That self same man am I: I scaped by swimming,  
And now return to keep my former promise  
Of Flavia to Pandolfo; and in exchange,  
To take Sulpitia to my wife.  ANT. 
All this  
I intended before I went; but sir, if I  
Can be no other than myself, and you  
Are that Antonio, you and I are one.  TR. 
How? one with thee? speak such another syllable,  
And by the terror of this deadly steel,  
That near saw light, but sent to endless darkness  
All that durst stand before't: thou diest.  AN. 
Alas  
My weakness grown by age, and pains of travel,  
disarms my courage to defend myself;  
I have no strength but patience.  TR. 
What art now?  AN. 
Peter, and Thomas, William, what you please.  TR. 
What boldness madded thee to steal my name?  AN. 
Sir, heat of wine.  TR. 
And sirrah when you're drunk,  
Is there no person to put on, but mine,  
To cover your intended villainies?  AN. 
But good sir, if I be not I, who am I?  TR. 
An Ox, an Ass, a dog.  AN. 
Strange negligence  
To lose myself! methinks I live and move,  
Remember. Could the fearful apprehension  
Of th'ugly fear of drowning so transform me?  
Or did I die, and by Pythagoras' rule,  
My soul's provided of another lodging?  TRI. 
Be what thou wilt, except Antonio,  
'Tis death to touch that name.  AN. 
Dangers at sea  
Are pleasures, weighed with these home-injuries.  
Was ever man thus scared beside himself?  
O most unfortunate Antonio!  
At sea thou suffered'st shipwreck of thy goods,  
At land of thine own self. Antonio?  
Or what name else they please? fly, fly to barbary,  
And rather there endure the foreign cruelty  
Of fetters, whips, and moors, then here at home  
Be wronged and baffled by thy friends and children.  TRI. 
How? prating still? why Timothy, be gone,  
Or draw, and lay Antonio down betwixt us,  
Let fortune of the fight decide the question.  
Here's a brave rogue, that in the king's highway  
Offers to rob me of my good name. Draw.  AN. 
These wrongs recall my strength, I am resolved.  
Better die once, then suffer always. Draw.  TR. 
Stay. Understandest thou well nice points of duel?  
Art borne of gentle blood, and pure descent?  
Was none of all thy lineage hanged, or cuckold?  
Bastard, or bastinadoed? is thy pedigree  
As long and wide as mine? For otherwise  
Thou wert most unworthy; and 'twere loss of honour  
In me to fight. More, I have drawn five teeth:  
If thine stand sound, the terms are much unequal.  
And by strict laws of duel, I am excused  
To fight on disadvantage.  AN. 
This some Ass!  TRI. 
If we concur in all, write a formal challenge,  
And bring thy second: meanwhile I'll make provision  
Of Calais sand to fight upon securely. Ha!   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 8.  LELIO. CRICCA. TRINCALO. ANTONIO. LE. 
AM I awake? or do deceitful dreams  
Present to my wild fancy things I see not?  CR. 
Sir, what amazement's this? why wonder you?  LE. 
Seest thou not Trincalo and Antonio?  CR. 
O strange! theyare both here.  LE. 
Didst not thou inform me,  
That Trincalo was turned t'antonio?  
Which I believing, like a cursed son,  
With most reproachful threats, drove mine old father  
From his own doors; and yet rest doubtful, whether  
This be the true Antonio: 'may be th'ginger  
Hath changed some other, and not Trincalo.  CR. 
No, fear it not: 'tis plain: Albumazar  
Hath cheated my old master of his plate.  
For here's the Farmer, as like himself as ever;  
Only his clothes excepted. Trincalo!  TRI. 
Cricca, where's Trincalo? dost see him here?  CR. 
Yes, and as rank an Ass as e'er he was.  TRI. 
Thou'rt much deceived, thou neither seest nor know'st me.  
I am transformed, transformed.  CR. 
thouart still thyself.  
Lelio, this Farmer's half a fool, half knave.  
And as Pandolfo did with much entreaty  
Persuade him to transform; so as much labour  
Will hardly bring the Coxcomb to himself,  
That near was out on't. Who art, if not he?  TR. 
My name is Don Antonio, I am now going  
To my own house, to give Pandolfo Flavia,  
And Armellina to his Farmer Trincalo.  
How dar'st thou Cricca, but a meaner servant,  
Resemble me, a man of worth and worship,  
To such a clown as Trincalo, a branded fool,  
An Ass, a laughingstock to Town and Country?  
Art not ashamed to name him with Antonio?  LE. 
Do not thy actions, with thy rude behaviour,  
Proclaim thee what thou art?  CR. 
Notorious clown!  TR. 
Villain, thouhast broke my shoulders.  LE. 
O didst feel him?  TR. 
I with a pox.  LE. 
Then thouart still Trincalo.  
For hadst thou been Antonio, he had smarted.  TRI. 
I feel it as I am Antonio.  CRI. 
Fool! who loves Armellina?  TR. 
'Tis I, 'tis I.  CRI. 
Antonio never loved his kitchenmaid.  TRI. 
Well, I was taken for Antonio,  
And in his name received ten pound in gold,  
Was by his mistress entertained; but thou  
enviest my happiness: if thouhast th'ambition  
To rise as I have done: Go to Albumazar,  
And let him change thee to a Knight, or Lord.  CRI. 
Note the strange power of strong imagination.  TRI. 
A world of engines cannot wrest my thoughts,  
From being a Gentleman: I am one, and will be:  
And though I be not, yet will think myself so:  
And scorn thee Cricca, as a slave and servant.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 9.  CRICCA. LELIO. ANTONIO. CR. 
'tIs but lost labour to dissuade his dullness,  
Believe me that's your father.  LE. 
When I drove him thence,  
Spite of my blood his reverent countenance  
Struck me t'a deep compassion. To clear all,  
I'll ask one question. signor Antonio,  
What money took you when you went your voyage?  AN. 
As I remember, fourscore and fifteen pound  
In barbary gold. Had Lucio kept his word  
I had carried just a hundred.  LE. 
Pardon me, father;  
'Twas my blind ignorance, not want of duty,  
That wronged you: all was intended for a Farmer,  
Whom an ginger, they said, transformed.  AN. 
How an ginger?  LE. 
When you parted hence  
It seems you promised Flavia to Pandolfo.  
News of your death arriving, th'old Gentleman  
Importunes me to second what you purposed.  
Consulting therefore with my friends and kindred,  
Loath my young sister should be buried quick  
I'th' grave of threescore years: by their advice  
I fully did deny him. He chafes and storms,  
And finds at length a cunning man, that promised  
To turn his Farmer to your shape: and thus  
Possess your house, and give him Flavia.  
Whereof I warned, wronged you in stead of Trincalo.  AN. 
Then hence it came they called me Trincalo,  
And talked of an ginger; which names  
Almost enraged me past myself and senses.  
'Tis true I promised, but have oft repented it.  
And much more since he goes about to cheat me.  
He must not have her, sir.  LE. 
I am glad you're so resolved.  
And since, with us, you find that match unequal,  
Let's all entreat you to bestow your daughter  
Upon his son Eugenio.  AN. 
Son, at your pleasure  
Dispose of Flavia, with my full consent.  LE. 
And as you judge him worthy your daughter Flavia,  
Think me no less of his Sulpitia.  AN. 
I do; and ever had desire to match  
Into that family; and now I find myself  
Old, weak, unfit for marriage, you shall enjoy her,  
If I can work Pandolfo by entreaty:  CR. 
To deal with him with reason and entreaties,  
Is to persuade a madman: for his love  
Makes him no less. All speeches opposite  
T'his fixed desire, and love-corrupted judgement,  
Seem extreme fooleries. Will he consent  
To give his daughter to your son, and you  
Deny him Flavia? Shall Eugenio  
Expect or land or love from old Pandolfo,  
Being his open rival? 'tis impossible.  
He sought to cozen you; therefore resolve  
To pay him in's own money. Be but advised  
By my poor counsel, and one stroke shall cut  
The root of his designs, and with his arrows  
Strike his own plot so dead, that Albumazar  
With all his stars and instruments, shall never  
Give it fresh motion.  AN. 
Cricca, to thy direction  
We yield ourselves, manage us at thy pleasure.  LE. 
Speak quickly Cricca.  CR. 
The ground of all this business,  
Is to catch Trincalo, and lock him fast  
Till I release him: next, that no man whisper  
Th'least word of your return. Then will I home,  
And with a cheerful look tell my old master,  
That Trincalo— but stay, look where he comes,  
Let's in, and there at leisure I'll inform you  
From point to point. Lelio, detain him here,  
Till I send Armellina down to second you.  
Cross him in nothing, call him Antonio,  
And good enough.  LE. 
Fear not, let me alone.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 10.  TRINCALO. LELIO. TRI. 
THis rascal Cricca with his arguments  
Of malice, so disturbs my gentle thoughts,  
That I half doubt I am not what I seem:  
But that will soon be cleared; if they receive me  
In at Antonio's house, I am Antonio.  LEL. 
signor Antonio my most loving father?  
Blessed be the day and hour of your return.  TRIN. 
Son Lelio? a blessing on my child, I pray thee tell me,  
How fares my servant Armellina? well?  LEL. 
Have you forgot my sister Flavia?  TRIN. 
What my dear daughter Flavia? no, but first  
Call Armellina: for this day we'll celebrate  
A gleek of Marriages: Pandolfo and Flavia,  
Sulpitia and myself, and Trincalo  
With Armellina. Call her, good Lelio, quickly.  LEL. 
I will sir.  TRI. 
So: this is well that Lelio  
Confesseth me his father. Now I am perfect,  
Perfect Antonio.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 11.  ARMELLINA. TRINCALO. AR. 
signor Antonio!  
My long expected Master!  TR. 
O Armellina!  
Come let me kiss thy brow like my own daughter.  AR. 
Sir 'tis too great a favour. I kiss your foot.  
What fallen? Alas! how feeble you are grown,  
With your long travel?  TR. 
True; and being drowned,  
Nothing so grieved me as to lose thy company.  
But since I am safe returned, for thy good service  
I'll help thee to a husband.  ARM. 
A husband, sir?  
Some young and lusty youth, or else I'll none.  TRI. 
To one that love's thee dearly, dearly wench.  
A goodly man, like me in limbs and fashion.  AR. 
Fie, an old man? how? cast myself away,  
And be no nurse but his?  TR. 
he's not like me  
In years and gravity, but fair proportion.  
A handsome well-set man as I.  AR. 
His name?  TR. 
'Tis Tom Trincalo of Totnam,  ARM. 
signor Pandolfo's lusty Farmer?  TRI. 
That's he.  ARM. 
Most unexpected happiness! 'tis the man,  
I more esteem then my own life: sweet Master  
Procure that match, and think me satisfied  
For all my former service without wages.  
But as I fear you jest. My poor unworthiness  
Hope's not so great a fortune as sweet Trincalo.  
No, wretched Armellina, in and despair:  
Back to thy mournful Dresser; there lament  
Thy flesh to Kitchen-stuff, and bones to ashes,  
For love of thy sweet Farmer.  TRI. 
Alas poor soul,  
How prettily she weeps for me! Wilt see him?  AR. 
My soul waits in my eyes, and leaves my body  
Senseless.  TR. 
Then swear to keep my counsel.  AR. 
I swear  
By th'beauteous eyes of Trincalo.  TR. 
Why I am Trincalo.  AR. 
Your worship sir! why do you flout your servant,  
Right worshipful Antonio, my reverend Master?  TRI. 
Pox of Antonio, I am Tom Trincalo.  
Why laugh'st thou?  AR. 
'Tis desire and joy,  
To see my sweetest.  TR. 
Look upon me and see him.  ARM. 
I say I see Antonio, and none other.  TRI. 
I am within, thy love; without, thy Master.  
Th'ginger transformed me for a day.  AR. 
Mock not your poor Maid, pray you sir.  TR. 
I do not.  
Now would I break this head against the stones,  
To be unchanged; fie on this Gentry, it stick's  
Like Bird-lime, or the Pox. I can not part with't.  
Within, I am still thy Farmer Trincalo.  ARM. 
Then must I wait, till old Antonio  
be brought to bed of a fair Trincalo;  
Or flay you, and strip you to yourself again.  TRI. 
Carry me to your chamber. Try me there.  AR. 
O sir by no means: but with my lovely Farmer  
I'd stay all night and thank him.  TRIN. 
Cross misfortune!  
accursed Albumazar! and mad Pandolfo!  
To change me thus, that when I most desire  
To be myself, I cannot. Armellina!  
Fetch me a looking-glass.  AR. 
To what end?  TR. 
Fetch one.  
Let my old masters business sink or swim,  
This sweet occasion must not be neglected.  
Now shall I know th'Astrologers skill: o wonderful!  
Admired Albumazar in two transmutations:  
Here's my old farmer's face. How in an instant  
I am unchanged that was so long a changing. Here's my flat nose again, etc.  
Now Armellina take thy loved Trincalo  
To thy desired embracements, use thy pleasure,  
Kiss him thy bellyful.  ARM. 
Not here in public.  
T'enjoy too soon what pleaseth is unpleasant:  
The world would envy that my happiness.  
Go in, I'll follow you, and in my bedchamber  
we'll consummate the match in privacy.  TRI. 
Was not the face I wore, far worse than this?  
But for thy comfort, Wench, Albumazar  
Hath died my thoughts so deep i'th' grain of Gentry,  
'Tis not a glass can rob me of my good fashion,  
And Gentlemanly garb. Follow, my dear.  AR. 
I'll follow you. So, now you're fast enough.  TR. 
Help Armellina, help! I am fallen i'th' cellar:  
Bring a fresh plantain leaf, I have broke my shin.  ARM. 
Thus have I caught m'a husband in a trap,  
And in good earnest mean to marry him.  
'Tis a tough Clown and lusty: he works day & night;  
And rich enough for me, that have no portion  
But my poor service. Well: he's something foolish;  
The better can I domineer, and rule him  
At pleasure. That's the mark, and utmost height  
we women aim at. I am resolved; I'll have him.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 12.  LELIO. CRICCA. LEL. 
IN, Armellina, lock up Trincalo.  AR. 
I will, sir.  LEL. 
Cricca, for this thy counsel, if't succeed,  
Fear not thy masters anger: I'll prefer thee  
And count thee as my Genius, or good fortune.  CRI. 
It can not choose but take. I know his humour;  
And can at pleasure feather him with hopes,  
Making him fly what pitch I wish, and stoop  
When I show foul.  LE. 
But for the suit of clothes?  CRI. 
I'll throw them o'er your garden wall. Away.  
Hast to Eugenio, and Sulpitia,  
Acquaint them with the business.  LE. 
I go.   

ACT. 4. SCEN. 13.  LELIO. SULPITIA. LE. 
THe hopeful issue of thy counsel, Cricca,  
Brightens this evening, and makes it more excel  
The clearest day, than a grey morning doth  
The blindest midnight: raising my amorous thoughts  
To such a pitch of joy, that riches, honour,  
And other pleasures, to Sulpitia's love,  
Appear like Molehills to the Moon.  SVL. 
Lelio?  LEL. 
O there's the voice that in one note contains  
All cords of Music: How gladly she'll embrace  
The news I give her, and the messenger!  SVL. 
Soft, soft, you're much mistaken: for in earnest,  
I am angry Lelio; and with you.  LE. 
Sweetest, those flames  
Rise from the sire of love, and soon will quench  
I'th' welcome news I bring you.  SVL. 
Stand still I charge you  
By th'virtue of my lips; speak not a syllable  
As you expect a kiss should close my choler.  
For I must chide you.  LEL. 
O my Sulpitia,  
Were every speech a Pistol charged with death,  
I'd stand them all in hope of that condition.  SVL. 
First, sir, I hear, you teach Eugenio  
Too grave a wariness in your sister's love,  
And kill his honest forwardness of affection  
With your far-fet respects, suspicions, fears.  
You have your may-be's; this is dangerous:  
That course were better: for if so: and yet:  
Who knows? th'event is doubtful: be advised:  
'Tis a young rashness: your father is your father:  
Take leisure to consider. Thus youhave considered  
Poor Flavia almost to her grave. Fie Lelio,  
Had this my smallness undertook the business,  
And done no more in four short winter days  
Than you in four months, I'd have vowed my maidenhead  
To th'living Tomb of a sad Nunnery.  
Which for your sake I loathe.  LEL. 
Sweet by your favour  SVL. 
Peace! peace! Now you're so wise as if you'd eaten  
Nothing but brains, and marrow of Machiavell.  
You tip your speeches with Italian Motti,  
Spanish Refrains, and English Quoth he's. Believe me  
There's not a Proverb salts your tongue, but plants  
Whole colonies of white hairs. O what a business  
These hands must have when you have married me,  
To pick out sentences that over-year you.  LEL. 
Give me but leave.  SVL. 
Have I a lip? and you  
Made Sonnets on't? 'tis your fault, for otherwise,  
Your sister and Eugenio had been sure  
Long time ere this.  LEL. 
But—  SVL. 
Stay, your cue's not come yet.  
I hate as perfectly this gray-green of yours,  
As old Antonio's greene-gray. Fie! Wise lovers,  
Are most absurd. Were not I full resolved,  
I should begin to cool mine own affection.  
For shame consider well your sister's temper.  
Her melancholy may much hurt her. Respect her,  
Or spite of mine own love, I'll make you stay  
Six months, before you marry me. Lelio whispers.  SVL. 
This your so happy news? returned? and safe?  
Antonio yet alive? Lelio whispers.  SVL. 
And then?  Lelio whispers. SVL. 
Well. All your business must be compassed  
With winding plots, and cunning stratagems.  
Look to't: For if we be not married ere next morning,  
By the great love that's hid in this small compass,  
Flavia and myself will steal you both away  
To your eternal shame and foul discredit.  LEL. 
How prettily this lovely littleness,  
In one breath pleads her own cause, and my sister's;  
Chides me, and loves. This is that pleasing temper  
I more admire, than a continued sweetness  
That oversatisfies: 'Tis salt I love; not sugar.   
Finis Act. 4.   

Act. 5.  

Scoen. 1.  ALBUMAZAR. RONCA. FURBO. HARPAX. ALB. 
HOw? not a single share of this great prize,  
That have deserved the whole? was't not my plot,  
And pains, and you mere instruments and porters?  
Shall I have nothing?  RON. 
No, not a silver spoon.  FVR. 
Nor cover of a Trencher-salt.  HAR. 
Nor Table-napkin?  ALB. 
Friends; we have kept an honest trust and faith  
'Long time amongst us Break not that sacred league,  
By raising civil theft, turn not your fury  
'Gainst your own bowels. Rob your careful Master!  
Are you not ashamed?  RON. 
'Tis our profession,  
As yours Astrology. And in th'days of old,  
Good morrow Thief, as welcome was received,  
As now your Worship. 'Tis your own instruction.  FVR. 
The Spartans held it lawful, and th'Arabians,  
So grew Arabia, Happy: Sparta, Valiant.  HAR. 
The world's a Theater of Theft: great Rivers  
Rob smaller Brooks; and them the Ocean.  AL. 
Have not I weaned you up from petty-larceny,  
Dangerous and poor? and nursed you to full strength  
Of safe and gainful theft? By rules of Art  
And principles of cheating, made you as free  
From taking, as you went invisible?  
And do ye thus requite me? this the reward  
For all my watchful care?  RO. 
We are your scholars,  
Made by your help, and our own aptness, able  
To instruct others. 'Tis the Trade we live by.  
You that are servant to Divine Astrology,  
Do something worth her livery. Cast Figures,  
Make Almanacs for all Meridian's.  FVR. 
Sell Perspicils, and Instruments of hearing,  
Turn Clowns to Gentlemen, Buzzards to Falcons,  
Cur-dogs to Greyhounds, Kitchenmaids to Ladies.  HAR. 
Discover more new Stars, and unknown Planets:  
Vent them by dozens, style them by the names  
Of men that buy such ware. Take lawful courses,  
Rather than beg.  AL. 
Not keep your honest promise?  FVR. 
Believe none, credit none: for in this City  
No dwellers are, but Cheaters, and cheatees.  AL. 
You promised me the greatest share.  RON. 
Our promise!  
If honest men by Obligations,  
And instruments of Law, are hardly constrained  
T'observe their word; Can we, that make profession  
Of lawless courses, do't?  AL. 
Amongst ourselves.  
falcons that tyrannize o'er weaker fowl,  
Hold peace with their own feathers.  HA. 
But when they counter  
Upon one quarry, break that league as we do.  AL. 
At least restore ten pound in gold I lent you.  RON. 
'Twas lent in an ill Second, worser Third,  
And luckless Fourth: 'tis lost, Albumazar.  FVR. 
Saturn was in Ascension. Mercury  
Was then Combust when you delivered it.  
'Twill never be restored.  RON. 
Hali, Abenezra,  
Hiarcha, Brachman, Budda Babylonicus,  
And all the Chaldees and the Cabalists,  
Affirm that sad Aspect threats loss of debts.  HAR. 
Frame by your azimuth and Almicantarat,  
An engine like a Mace, whose quality  
Of strange retractive virtue may recall  
Desperate debts, and with that undo Sergeants.  ALB. 
Was ever man thus baited by's own whelps?  
Give me a slender portion for a stock  
To begin Trade again.  RON. 
'Tis an ill course  
And full of fears. This treasure hath enriched us,  
And given us means to purchase, and live quiet  
Of th'fruit of dangers past. When I used robbing,  
All blocks before me looked like Constables,  
And posts appeared in shape of Gallows.  
Therefore good Tutor take your pupil's counsel:  
'Tis better beg than steal: Live in poor clothes,  
Then hang in Satin.  AL. 
villains, I'll be revenged,  
And reveal all the business to a justice.  RON. 
Do, if thou longest to see thy own Anatomy.  AL. 
This treachery persuades me to turn honest.  FVR. 
Search your Nativity: see if the Fortunates  
And Luminaries be in a good Aspect.  
And thank us for thy life. Had we done well,  
We had cut thy throat ere this.  AL. 
Albumazar,  
Trust not these Rogues; hence and revenge.  RON. 
fellows away, here's company. Let's hence. Exeunt.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 2.  CRICCA. PANDOLFO. CR. 
NOw Cricca, mask thy countenance in joy,  
Speak welcome language of good news, and move  
Thy Master, whose desires are credulous,  
To believe what thou giv'st him. If thy design  
Land at the Haven 'tis bound for; then Lelio,  
Eugenio, and their Mistresses, are obliged  
By oath, t'assure a state of forty pounds  
Upon thee for thy life.  PAN. 
I long to know  
How my good Farmer speeds; how Trincalo  
Hath been received by Lelio.  CR. 
Where shall I find him?  
What we most seek, still flies us; what's avoided,  
Follows, or meets us full. I am embossed  
With trotting all the streets to find Pandolfo,  
And bless him with good news.  PAN. 
This haste of Cricca  
Abodes some good; doubtless my Trincalo,  
Received for Antonio, hath given me Flavia.  
Cricca?  CRI. 
Neither in Paul's, at home, nor in th'Exchange?  
Nor where he uses to converse? he's lost:  
And must be cried.  PAN. 
Turn hither, Cricca: Cricca,  
Seest me not?  CRI. 
Sir, the news, and haste to tell it,  
Had almost blinded me. 'Tis so fortunate,  
I dare not power it all at once upon you,  
lest you should faint and swoon away with joy.  
Your transformed Trincalo-  PAN. 
What news of him?  CR. 
Entered as owner in Antonio's house-  PAN. 
On.  CR. 
Is acknowledged by his daughter Flavia,  
And Lelio, for their father.  PAN. 
Quickly good Cricca!  CR. 
And hath sent me in haste to bid you-  PAN. 
What?  CR. 
Come with your son Eugenio.-  PAN. 
And then?  CR. 
That he may be a witness of your marriage.  
But sir, I see no signs of so large gladness  
As I expected, and this news deserved.  PAN. 
'Tis here, 'tis here, within. All outward symptoms  
And characters of joy, are poor expressions  
Of my great inward happiness: my heart's full,  
And cannot vent the passions. Run Cricca, run,  
Run, as thou lov'st me, call Eugenio,  
And work him to my purpose thou canst do it.  
Haste, call him instantly.  CR. 
I fly sir.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 3.  PANDOLFO. 
HOw shall I recompense this ginger?  
This great Albumazar? through whose learned hands,  
Fortune hath poured th'effect of my best wishes,  
And crowned my hopes. Give him this chain? alas!  
'Tis a poor thanks, short by a thousand links  
Of his large merit. No, he must live with me,  
And my sweet Flavia, at his ease and pleasure,  
Wanting for nothing. And this very night  
I'll get a boy, and he erect a figure  
To calculate his fortunes. So there's Trincalo  
Antoniated, or Antonio Intrinculate.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 4.  ANTONIO. PANDOLFO. LELIO. EUGENIO. AN. 
signor Pandolfo! welcome.  LE. 
Your servant sir.  PAN. 
Well met Antonio, my prayers and wishes  
Have waited on you ever.  AN. 
Thanks, dearest friend.  
To speak my dangers past, were to discourse  
Of dead men at a feast. Such sad relations  
Become not marriages. Sir, I am here  
Returned to do you service: where's your son?  PAN. 
he'll wait upon you presently.  EV. 
signor Antonio!  
Happily welcome.  AN. 
Thanks Eugenio.  
How think you gentlemen? were it amiss  
To call down Flavia and Sulpitia,  
That what we do, may with a full consent  
Be entertained by all?  PAN. 
'Tis well remembered.  
Eugenio, call your sister.  AN. 
Lelio, call my daughter.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 5.  PANDOLFO. ANTONIO. PA. 
WIsely considered Trincalo: 'tis a fair prologue  
To th' Comedy ensuing. Now I confess  
Albumazar had equal power to change,  
And mend thy understanding with thy body.  
Let me embrace and hug thee for this service.  
'Tis a brave onset: ah my sweet Trincalo!  ANT. 
How like you the beginning?  PAN. 
'Tis o'th' further side  
All expectation.  AN. 
Was't not right? and spoken  
Like old Antonio?  PAN. 
'Tis most admirable:  
Were't he himself that spoke, he could not better't.  
And for thy sake, I wish Antonio's shape  
May ever be thy house, and's wit thy Inmate.  
But where's my plate, and cloth of silver?  AN. 
Safe.  PA. 
They come: keep state, keep state, or als discovered.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 6.  ANTO. PAND. EVG. LEL. FLA. SULP. AN. 
Eugenio, Flavia, Lelio, and Sulpitia;  
Marriages once confirmed, and consummate,  
Admit of no repentance. Therefore 'tis fitting  
All parties with full freedom speak their pleasure,  
Before it be too late.  PAN. 
Good! excellent!  ANT. 
Speak boldly therefore: do you willingly  
Give full authority, that what I decree  
Touching these businesses, you'll all perform?  EVG. 
I rest at your dispose: what you determine,  
With my best power I ratify; and Sulpitia,  
I dare be bold to promise, says no less.  SVL. 
whate'er my father, brother, and yourself  
Shall think convenient pleaseth me.  LE. 
In this,  
As in all other service, I commit myself  
To your commands; and so I hope, my sister.  FLA. 
With all obedience: sir dispose of me  
As of a child, that judgeth nothing good  
But what you shall approve.  AN. 
And you Pandolfo?  PAN. 
I most of all. And, for I know the minds  
Of youth are apt to promise, and as prone  
To repent after; 'tis my advice they swear  
T'observe, without exception, your decree.  FLA. 
Content.  SVL. 
Content  PAN. 
By all the powers that hear  
Oaths, and rain vengeance upon broken faith,  
I promise to confirm and ratify  
Your sentence.  LE. 
Sir, I swear no less.  EV. 
Nor I.  FLA. 
The self-same oath binds me.  SVL. 
And me the same.  PAN. 
Now dear Antonio, all our expectation  
Hangs at your mouth: None of us can appeal  
From you to higher Courts.  AN. 
First for preparative,  
Or slight Praeludium to the greater matches;  
I must entreat you that my Armellina  
Be matched with Trincalo. Two hundred crowns  
I give her for her portion.  PAN. 
'Tis done. Some relics  
Of his old Clownery, and dregs o'th' Country,  
Dwell in him still: how careful he provides  
For himself first! Content. And more, I grant him  
A lease of twenty pounds a year.  ANT. 
I thank you.  
Gentlemen, since I feel myself much broken  
With age, and my late miseries, and too cold  
To entertain new heat; I freely yield  
Sulpitia, whom I loved, to my son Lelio.  PAN. 
How cunningly the Farmer hath provided  
T'observe the semblance of Antonio's person,  
And keep himself still free for Armellina!  AN. 
signor Pandolfo, you're wise, and understand  
How ill hot appetites of unbridled youth  
Become grey hairs. How grave and honourable  
Were't for your age to be enamoured  
With the fair shape of virtue, and the glory  
Of your forefathers! Then would you blush to think  
How by this dotage, and unequal love,  
You stain their honour, and your own. Awake,  
Banish those wild affections; and by my example  
Turn t'your repose self.  PAN. 
To what purpose, pray you  
Serves this long proem? on to th'sentence.  AN. 
Sir,  
Conformity of years, likeness of manners,  
Are Gordian knots that bind up matrimony.  
Now betwixt seventy Winters, and sixteen,  
There's no proportion, nor least hope of love.  
Fie, that a gentleman of your discretion,  
Crowned with such reputation in your youth,  
Should in your Western days, loose th'good opinion  
Of all your friends; and run to th'open danger  
Of closing the weak remnant of your days  
With discontentment unrecoverable.  PAN. 
Wrack me no more: pray you let's hear the sentence.  
Note how the Ass would fright me, and endear  
His service; intimating, that his power  
May overthrow my hopes. Proceed to th'sentence.  AN. 
These things considered, I bestow my daughter  
Upon your son Eugenio; whose constant love  
With his so modest carriage, hath deserved her.  
And, that you freeze not for a bedfellow,  
I marry you with Patience.  PAN. 
Treacherous villain!  
Accursed Trincalo! I'll— But this no place,  
he's too well backed. But shortly when the date  
Of his Antonioship's expired, revenge  
Shall sweeten this disgrace.  AN. 
signor Pandolfo,  
When you recover yourself, lost desperately  
In disproportioned dotage, than you'll thank me  
For this great favour: be not obstinate:  
Disquiet not yourself.  PAN. 
I thank you sir.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 7.  PANDOLFO. 
ANd that you freeze not for a bedfellow,  
I marry you with Patience. Traitorous villain!  
Is't not enough to wrong me, and betray me,  
But 't must be done with scoffs? accursed Trincalo!  
And me most miserable! that when I thought  
T'embrace young Flavia, see her before my face  
Bestowed upon my son! my son my rival!  
This is Eugenio's plot, and his friend Lelio's;  
Who, with my servant Cricca, have conspired,  
And suborned Trincalo to betray his master.  
Why do I rage 'gainst any but myself,  
That have committed such a serious business  
To th'hands of a base clown, and ignorant?  
I see mine error, but no means to help it.  
Only the sweetness of revenge is left me,  
Which I must execute: th'hours of's gentry  
Are now clean spent. I'll home, and there attend him.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 8.  TRINCALO drunk, but something recovered. 
WElcome old trusty Trincalo, good Farmer welcome! give me thy hand, we must not part hereafter. Fie, what a trouble 'tis to be out of a man's self! If gentlemen have no pleasure but what I felt today; a team of horses shall not drag me out of my profession. There's nothing amongst them but borrowing, compounding for half their debts, and have their purse cut for the rest, cozened by whores, frighted with husbands, washed in wet hogsheads, cheated of their clothes, and falling in cellars for conclusion.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 9.  PANDOLFO at the window. TRINCALO. PAN. 
O Precious piece of villainy! are you unchanged?  
How confident the rogue dares walk the streets!  TRIN. 
And then such quarreling: never a suit I wore today, but hath been soundly basted. Only this faithful Country case 'scaped fist-free; and be it spoken in a good hour, was never beaten yet since it came from fulling!  PAN. 
Tiff. toff. Base treacherous villain! toff. toff. toff.  TRI. 
Is this the recompense of my days work?  PAN. 
You marry me to patience? there's patience.  
And that you freeze not, there's warm patience,  
she's a good bedfellow; have patience.  TR. 
You'll beat me out on't sir: how have I wronged you?  PAN. 
So, as deserves th'expression of my fury  
With th'cruelest tortures I can execute.  TRI. 
You kill me sir.  PAN. 
Have patience.  TRI. 
Pray you sir!  PAN. 
Seek not by humble penitence t'appease me.  
Nothing can satisfy.  TR. 
Farewell humility.  
Now am I beaten sober. (takes away Pandolfo's staff)  
Shall age and weakness master my youth and strength?  
Now speak your pleasure: what's my fault?  PAN. 
Dar'st deny  
Thy own act done before so many witnesses?  
Suborned by others, and betray my confidence  
With such a stony impudence?  TR. 
I have been faithful  
In all you trusted me.  PAN. 
To them; not me.  
O what a proem stuffed with grave advice,  
And learned counsel, you could shower upon me  
Before the thunder of your deadly sentence!  
And give away my Mistress with a scoff!  TR. 
I give your Mistress?  PA. 
Didst not thou decree  
Contrary t'our compact, against my marriage?  TR. 
Why when was I your judge?  PA. 
just now, here.  TR. 
See your error!  
Then was I fast locked in Antonio's Cellar:  
Where making virtue of necessity,  
I drunk stark drunk; and waking, found myself  
Clothed in this farmer's suit, as in the morning.  PAN. 
Didst not thou swear t'enter Antonio's house,  
And give me Flavia for my wife? and after,  
Before my own face, gav'st her to my son?  TR. 
Ha, ha, ha!  PA. 
Canst thou deny't?  TR. 
Ha, ha, ha! Whilst Trincalo laughs, and falls the staff, Pandolfo recovers it, and beats him.  
Have you got mistress Patience? ha, ha, ha!  PAN. 
Is not this true?  TR. 
Ha, ha!  PA. 
Answer me.  TRI. 
Ha, ha, ha wan!  PAN. 
Was't not thus?  TRI. 
I answer. First, I never was transformed,  
But guled, as you were, by th'ginger  
And those that called m'Antonio. To prove this true,  
The gentleman you spoke with, was Antonio,  
The right Antonio, safely returned from barbary.  PA. 
hey me! what's this?  TR. 
Truth itself.  PA. 
Was't not thou  
That gav'st the sentence?  TR. 
Believe me no such matter:  
I near was gentleman, nor otherwise  
than what I am, unless 'twere when I was drunk.  PAN. 
How have I been deceived! good Trincalo  
Pardon me. I have wronged thee.  TR. 
Pardon you?  
When you have beaten me to paste, good Trincalo  
Pardon me?  PAN. 
I am sorry for't; excuse me.  TRI. 
I am sorry I must excuse you. But I pardon you.  PAN. 
Now tell me where's the plate and cloth of silver,  
The gold and jewels that th'ginger  
Committed to thy keeping?  TRI. 
What Plate, what jewels?  
He gave me none. But when he went to change me,  
After a thousand circles and ceremonies,  
He binds me fast upon a form, and blinds me  
With a thick Table-napkin. Not long after  
Unbinds my head and feet, and gives me light:  
And then I plainly saw, that I saw nothing;  
The parlour was clean swept of all was in't.  PAN. 
Ojh me? oi me!  TR. 
What ails you? Sir, what ails you?  PAN. 
I am undone, I have lost my Love, my plate,  
My whole estate, and with the rest myself.  TR. 
Lose not your patience too. Leave this lamenting,  
And lay the Town; you may recover it.  PAN. 
'Tis to small purpose. In, and hold thy peace.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. 10.  CRICCA. PANDOLFO. CRI. 
WHere shall I find my Master to content him  
With welcome news? he's here; news! news!  
News of good fortune, joy and happiness!  PAN. 
Cricca, my sadness is uncapable  
Of better tidings: I am undone most miserable!  CR. 
Offend not your good luck, you're now more fortunate  
Than when you rose this morning: be merry, sir,  
Cheer up yourself, youhave what you wished, fear nothing.  PAN. 
May be Antonio newly repents himself,  
With purpose to restore my Flavia.  
Cricca, what is't? where's all this happiness?  CR. 
Locked in Antonio's Closet.  PAN. 
All alone?  
Sure that's my Flavia. Is not Eugenio  
Suffered to enter?  CR. 
Antonio keeps the key:  
No creature enters but himself. all's safe  
And shall be so restored.  PAN. 
O my sweet Cricca!  CR. 
And they that wronged you, most extremely sorry,  
Ready to yield you any satisfaction.  PAN. 
Is't possible they should so soon repent them?  
That injured me so lately? tell me the manner  
That caused them see their error.  CR. 
I'll tell you, sir.  
Being just now at old Antonio's house,  
One thunder's at th'back door, enters, and presses  
To speak in private with young Lelio;  
Was instantly admitted: And think you who?  
'Twas your ginger Albumazar.  
When he had spoke a while; Lelio and Antonio  
In haste command 'me fetch a Constable.  PAN. 
How can this Story touch my happiness?  CR. 
I up and down throw slimy Alehouses,  
Cloudy Tobacco-shops, and vapouring Taverns:  
My mouth full of inquiry; At last found one.  PAN. 
What of all this? is't possible a Constable  
Concerns my good?  CR. 
And following my directions,  
Went to a Tippling-house, where we took drinking  
Three handsome fellows with a great Chest; Attached them,  
And brought all to Antonio.  PAN. 
Well, what then?  CRI. 
These were th'Astrologers intelligences.  
That robbed you through th'South window.  PA. 
I thought thou'dst spoken  
Of Flavia's restoring.  CRI. 
I mean your plate  
And treasure; pray you, sir, is't not great happiness  
To reobtain three thousand pounds in value,  
Desperately lost? and you still dote and dream  
Of Flavia, who by your own consent  
And oath is promised to your son Eugeni?  PA, 
Forward.  CR. 
Within this Chest Antonio found your Plate,  
Gold, jewels, cloth of silver, nothing perished,  
But all safe locked till you acknowledge it.  
And since Albumazar of his own accord  
Freely confessed, and safe restored your treasure:  
Since 'tis a day of jubilee and marriage;  
Antonio would entreat you to release  
And pardon the ginger: Thanking your fortune  
That hath restored you to your wealth, and self.  
Both which were lost i'th' foolish love of Flavia.  PA. 
Reason hath cleared my sight, and drawn the vail  
Of dotage that so darked my understanding.  
I clearly see the slavery of affections;  
And how unsuitable my declining years  
Are for the dawning youth of Flavia.  
Let the best joys of Hymen compass her,  
And her young husband, my Eugenio,  
With full content. And since Albumazar  
By accident, caused all this happiness;  
I freely pardon him, and his companions:  
And hast t'assist the marriages and feasts.  CRI. 
Why now you show yourself a worthy Gentleman.   

ACT. 5. SCEN. vit.  TRINCALO. CRICCA. TRIN. 
CRicca I overheard your news: all parts are pleased  
Except myself. Is there no news for Trincalo?  CRIC. 
Know'st it not? In, and see: Antonio  
Hath given thee Armellina with a portion,  
Two hundredth Crowns: and old Pandolfo bound  
By oath t'assure thee twenty pounds a year,  
For three lives.  TR. 
Haj!  CRI. 
Come in.  TR. 
I'll follow.    

Epilogue.  
TWo hundred Crowns? and twenty pound a year  
For three good lives? Cargo! Hai Trincalo!  
My wife's extremely busy, dressing the supper  
For these great marriages; and I not idle,  
So that I cannot entertain you here  
As I would elsewhere. But if you come to Totnam  
Some four days hence, and ask for Trincalo  
At th'sign o'th' Hogshead; I'll mortgage all my lives  
To bid you welcome. You that love Trincalo,  
And mean to meet, clap hands and make't a bargain.  
FINIS.