LAUGH and lie down: OR, The worlds Folly.  
Printed at London for jeffrey Chorlton, and are to be sold at his shop, at the great North door of saint Paul's, 1605.   

To the Reader.  
BY your patience, if you have leisure to laugh, and will take any pains to Read, it may be you shall be fitted a penny worth to your humour. here is no matter of state, divinity, nor Physic, but, and so forth, such stuff, as will give you occasion perhaps, when you have worn it out, to commend it to your friends: 'tis no outlandish, but made at home, and near the worse, for I know no reason to bar any man of his wits, that can tell kindly how to use them: There are so many excellent writers in high Poetry, and strange plots, that poor men, who would do well, are afraid of every Scholar, for fear of a scoff, and of him that hath no learning, for lack of wit. But at adventure, this is done: how well, I know not, but you that Read, may judge as you list, there are changes in it enough to make a Play: but the fool in the midst may mar all: whose part, let it be put upon myself, for too much prattle, I care not, if I here take an order with my pen to make an end of an idle Epistle.  
Your friend as occasion serves.   

To his most loved loving, and well-beloved, no matter whom.  
YOu Sir, hoping that you will take well, that is not worse meant, having nothing else, to give you: I here present you with a book, wherein, I have written as you see, what it is you may judge, a strange course of an odd strain, in which if you find no matter to make you merry, feed fat with your melancholy, till you be as mad as he that hath no more wit, than he needs to occupy: There are many passages, to little purpose, to him, that understands them not, & yet he that hath both his eyes, may see more than a blind man: I hope you are none of them, if you be, God help you, for I cannot, for though many can make lipp-salue, yet, wit-salue is passed my skill: precepts there are none, for I do not keep a school, except it be of had-I-wiste, and then if I should set up my bill, I should have too many Scholars: my meaning was, to be merry with myself, and if in mine humour, I have made any angry, if he cannot have patience, he must fret, till he be weary: such as are wise, will smile at their conceit, and the fool, for lack of wit will find fault, with he knows not what. Ten, to one, I shall not please all men, and Twenty to one, I do not desire it: yet, loath to displease any, I leave it indifferently, to every one, intre●ing good minds to give it good words, and for the 〈◊〉 I leave them to their bad humours: So, loath to tell 〈◊〉 what follows, I leave my work to the cen●●●e of your Good will: and so rest as I find cause.  
Your loving Friend,  
C. T.   

The Worlds Folly.  
WIthin the compass of the world there is an island, whose name I have not read, and therefore I care not if I leave it out: now, in this I slande, were divers Towns, and Cities, among which, there was one greater than all the rest, the name whereof, was written upon one of the Gates, but the letters were so worn out that I could make no English of them: and therefore, lest I should do wrong to the inhabitants, to set it down by a false name, I will say no more of it but that it was a fair city, and so leave it. Now in this city, were many fair houses: but among all, one, of that bigness, that the Lord of the Town had been able to keep his Christmas in it, it was full of windows, for a man might look through it: and all the smoke of the house went out in one Chimney.  
There were to this house, three Gates; and all in a forefront, which showed that it had the foundation of some caitiff: but by decay, was brought to be an alms-house. Now in this Town were many sundry sorts of people of all ages; as Old, and young, and middle age: men, women, and children: which did eat, and drink, and make a noise, and die: but such as lived, had there, their sundry lodgings, that they might quickly be found out, when there was occasion of their imploymeut. The house was large, and the Governor a great Man: I do not mean in fat, (and yet he was well lined in the Purse:) but he had a great command, especially of those about him: which because they were of small wealth, there is little to be said of them: only they were Creatures that served the time, followed Shadows, fitted humours, hoped of Fortune, and found, what? I cannot tell you.  
But at the entrance into the first base Court, where walking of Horses was the chiefest exercise of Idle people: over the Gate, I saw written (Mad Fellows) Now, ask the meaning thereof of an old Man (who was the Porter) who had written upon his breast, The Calendar of Experience, he told me, this house was called the Fort of POLLY, where such as sold Land and followed Fortune, to teach them Patience after posting, were put to walking of horses: Where great spirits, stooping to little bodies, made misery a mean to happiness: Where in the Cross of Patience, company gave much comfort: yea but (quoth I) Do all walk Horses? and have they no other entertainment? yes (quoth the Old man) within the house, are many, put to more unpleasing services: As, they that have spent their patrimony upon Wantonness, are made Panders to wickedness He that lost his wealth at play, must hold the Candle to Gamesters: and he that melted it in banqueting, must wait on a churls Trencher: and he that spent it in the Wars, must learn to pray for Peace.  
Alas (quoth I) I have been a younger Brother, and glad I would be to see fashions, but if here be no better entertainment, I have no heart to go in any further. Oh sir, quoth he, Content yourself, you may do better than you are aware of: For, if you have any extraordinary quality, here you may make a gain of it: If you can make a Ditty to a tune, you may fill your belly for your wit: If you can mend a decayed complexion, you shall be paid for your colour: If you can devise a new fashion, there are that will be for your humour: if you can tell a strange tale, you shall be thought wise: if you can swthe a lie, you will grow plausible: if you can manage the carriage of the Fool, you may have savour in fair Eyes: if you can cheat at play, you may thrive by tricks: if you have any languages, you may do good upon strangers. And if you have the strength of the back, you shall not want necessaries of the Belly: But whatsoever you do, beware of conscience for she is in little credit: Alas quoth I then, what should I do here? For I had rather die, then live dishonestly: Honesty (quoth he) whatsoever you think of it, speak not a word of it. For in the course of Folly, a faithful servant is a good Ass: a kind friend, is a sweet fool: A liberal heart is a fear of Beggary: and a charitable man is a pitiful creature. And yet, howsoever they come here, I know not, but our house is full of them, and therefore if you be as you say, so scrupulous of Conscience, or so careful of Honesty, you were best make one among a number here, then lose yourself in a wilderness with want of company. For here, you may be Beauty's Fool, Wealths slave, or Wits ass, or Pride's vassal, Honour's shadow, or Powers subject: you may be a jester among fools, a juggler among Gypsies, a Fortune-teller among fair hands, or a flattrer among fine Ears: and perhaps, if you can be wise, be near the worse for welldoing.  
For 'tis no shame to honesty, to furnish necessity, so that the law do not touch you, for I have lived long, and never saw a tempered spirit out of Tune: and if you will be ruled by your friends, you may do well. The Mistress of this house hath no mean power in the world: for in the War, she hath her Mutineers: in the Schools, her truants: in the Court, her Prodigals: in the City, her Minions: in the country, her Lolls: and at Sea, her Pirates: and at Land, her out-lookers. And let me tell you, that once a year, (how often more, I know not) they all do her homage. The Cuckold hangs down his head: the thief hideth his face: the Prodigal fetcheth a deep sigh: and the Lover with enfolded arms, and (perhaps) a weeping Eye, singes a Ballad of his brainsickness, to the tune of O man in desperation.  
And therefore think not much, among so many of such reputation, to have a place of Entertainment: Which, if you like not, and can mend yourself, tell me your mind, and I will help you in what I can: but, this I say, she is a kind woman, and will give you countenance whensoever you come: for she loves Strangers exceedingly, and entertaineth them most kindly. Alas (quoth I) these words of yours are strange, I know not when to make of them: I am not for her hand, except she have need of me in some better service, than I yet here of.  
Why (quoth he) let me tell you, it were strange, that you should spend your wits, with your wealth, if the worst fall, let me tell you, if you can feed an Owl, teach an Ape, or catch a Spaniel, I will warrant you pleas`d for your pain. No (quoth I) imaginations of idleness, are but loss of time, and therefore trouble not yourself, I had rather never serve, then be at such command: But, since Fortune hath brought me hither, I pray you do for me, what you can, that I may not so far lose my hopes, that I pay two dear for my Repentance. I will (quoth he) come on thy ways: so in he brought me to his great Lady: who in a great bravery, vaunting herself, asked me who I was? I answered, a Cipher among figures: well said, (qd she) more wit in the words then in the matter: now, whence come you? From idleness, (quoth I) well, (said she) that is the right way to Ignorance: Eperience, take this fellow, to thee, and let him read the rules of Patience, which done, let him know his place.  
So taking leave of his Lady, he led me into a large Room, paved with rough flint stone in the midst whereof, was a kind of standing water, that (when it was sticced) gave a kind of scent, that would have killed a horse: Alas (quoth I) Father, what shall I do here? Why (quoth he) you must know, they that have spent their wealth in perfumes, sweet waters, and delicate Odours, must first, here have patience with a little unpleasing savour, for he that comes into such a great house, as your Fort of Follie: must not look for all places, after the finest fashion?  
For he that cannot away with Sir Reverence, must not come at Patience: but after you are a little used to it, you will easily away with it: Oh, Patience is a virtue, though it wait upon many villains: but you must away with many viscontentmentes, before you can be acquainted with the secrets of this house, or have favour with our Mistress. here, in this place, which is called the Purgatory of ●●t●e, I must bring you acquainted with many, that have lodging in this place, of whom you must have divers instructions, touching the Rules of Patience.  
So, knocking at one dwre, comes me out a handsome man, but poorly appareled, pale faced, thin hayzed, and low voiced: who, (with a soft speech, as in a fear to wake some sleeping Children) bad us welcome, whom the old man thus saluted: Scholar, I have this morning, met with a stranger, whom I have preferred to my Lady mistress: who hath given me in charge, to instruct him in all things fit for him in her Service: now, knowing your perfection in the first point of the Principals of this Purgatory, I will leave him for this day to your entertainment: He is Welcome (quoth he) so, (leaving me till the next morning,) he went his may, and I (in a pitiful taking,) was brought by this anatomy of flesh, into the discomefort of nature, where oppenning a little dwre, and that low, where we must stoop ere we got in, there did I see (with much ado) through a huge seacoal smoke, by a little light, that came through a hole, in the top of the house, a Room filled with people of divers humours, aswell old as young, (but the pitifullest of Creatures, that the Earth carried alive:) all sitting upon the bare ground: some sighing; other groaning, some weeping, other wring their hands: and not one, but in one Agony, or other.  
Now, what with fear, and what with Sorrow, in a kind of maze to behold this map of mtserie, this poor wretch appointed for my Reader in the Rules of Patience, while I expected some book or other, that he should fall to lay open to such purpose: he brought me to them all, one after another, willing me to note them severally, to give ear to their speeches, and to take notes of them for my better memory.  
So sitting down with him (as it were) in the midst of them, without any regard, either of me or themselves, while melancholy so domineired in all, that there was not a good humour among them: they thus began their black Sauntiss. One, who (it should séente), had been a travailer, and now retired perforce, from a world of Countries, fell thus to talk to himself. O Heavens, what a Hell is this? tire the body, spend the spirit, empty the purse, weary friends, waste the wits deserve well, desire little, and have nothing: What comfort on the earth, but death? Fortune is such an enemy to virtue, the rolling stone gathers no moss, the vanity of variety sets the wits a woolgathering, where the Sheep are worse than wolves, travail toilsome, victual chargeable, apparel costly, company jealous, the sea dangerous, and nature vicious.  
These passages who hath paste, and is come unto the end of his pilgrimage, let him sing with me in this purgatory: Oh the wind, the weather, and the rain. When shaking of his head, with a heavy heart, he put his tongue to silence: when having learned by his travail, (having little money in his purse,) to far hard, he fell to break his fast now about dinner time, with the pill of an orange, a raw root, and a little salt: which with a hard crust of dry biskette, and a cruse of cold water, he made his patient repast: when, calling me to him. Sir (quoth he) if it please you, that you will take part with a poor man, welcome shall be your best cheer. A traveler's Table is soon covered: I have been very well acquainted with kick-shoses, but now I have learned to satisfy Nature with a little.  
Alas, thought I, to take a bone from a Dog, I should starve the dumb beast, and rather had I fast, then fall to such hungry fare. So, having many more to look over, the next was a man of Middle age, who had been a man of some wealth: but, with entering into surety, and taking up credit, and giving interest, fell so far to decay, by leaving his Trade to his Servants charge, and following the course of his own Pleasures, sat there with a needle and a thread, mending of Byréeches, Petticoats, and Stockings: In which, being so practised, as got him now and then a little work, he had standing by him, for meat and drink, a pot of strong Ale, which was often at his his nose, that it kept his face in so good a colour, and his brain in so kind a heat, as forgetting part of his forepast Pride, in the good humour of grieving Patience, made him with a hemming sigh, ilfavourdly sing the Ballad of Whilom I was, To the tune of Tom Tinker.  
This poor soul I pitied, but finding little matter in him, I went to the next: who being an old man with a silver head, and a snowy beard, hollow chéeked. jawe-fallen, and blear eyed, shaking with the Palsy, and tormented with the Stone, not so Rich, as to have the Gout, having been a man of some possessions, and with too fat feeding of Horses, too high keeping of Hawks, and too much delighting in banquetinges, through lack of husbandry, was forced to leave himself without Land, and having no more money left, then in sojourning with Patience, might pay for his board in this purgatory, having in a little Box, an Electuary, which, with a little spirit of the juice of Grape, kept life and soul together; this poor man, talking to himself, of the ungratefulness of the proud; the unkindness of the rich, the hatefulness of the wicked, the woe of the wanton, and the misery of the poor, the wilfulness of youth, and the wretchedness of age: after many a deep sigh, with a hollow voice, in a solemn tune, with a heavy heart, fell to sing the song of Oaken Leaves began to wither: to the tune of heavily, heavily.  
Which poor soul had no sooner ended, but for his best ease, falling fast asleep, to his good slumber I left him.  
When next to him, sat a dapper fellow with a smart countenance: one, who (it seemed) in his youth had been expert in the Pass a Measure: but, for want of a good ear to keep time, made no lasting commodity of his idle quality. Now this fellows (as it seemed) had spent a great deal more than his getting, upon the gay furnishing of an evil favoured carcase, which growing out of square with good fashion, and with some great cold after a heat, in some extraordinary labour, having gotten the cramp of the joints, sat with a comb in his hand, dressing of hair to send to the Perriewigge-makers, which being a very poor occupation, got him little, but now and than, a little broken meat after the household had dined: who after he had spit on his fingers and wiped them on his patched breeches after dinner, in stead of grace; fell to sing the ballad of the blind Beggar, to the tune of Heigh ho. Now, taking no great pleasure in this Pawn at Chess; I took note of the next: who was a young man, fair of face, flaxen head, fine hand, and foot, straight body, good leg, and a reasonable good countenance; but with all this, 'twas pity he was a fool; for as I found after ward by him, he had been a possessor of some small portion: which, through lack of a good forewit, brought him into this purgatory of Folly.  
For alas poor man, he had been so far in love, that he was almost out of his wits, ere his wealth was half gone; and being brought to a bare point, having no further credit with beauty, than cost, not able to maintain the course, was sains to give it over in the plain field: where so far forlorn of all comfort, that he knew not where to bestow his little talon that he had lost, fell by chance upon this fort, where, he now sat making of ballads; where with a crust of bread out of his pocket, eating, and singing, he howled out the dittle of When I was fair and young: to the tune of Fortune.  
But to hear how he cursed the wenches that had (as he said) missused him with fair looks, kind promises, and such tricks; oh fie upon them, a man is worse than mad that hath to do with any of them; and then, how he would curse himself, for selling of his land, spending of his money, and losing of his time, if a man in that place could have laughed, it would have put him to his passion. But there let him sing, and they that list buy his Ballads.  
Now from him, I took note of the next, which was of the feminine Gender, one that was once a virgin had been a little while a Maid, knew the name of a wife, fell to be a Widow, and last of all, either through desire of change, or mislike of choice, or the instinct of Nature, or the corruption of the spirit, or want, or pride, I know not, but for want of a better trade, after she had given over her shop, betook her to her Chamber: and there, not able to maintain housekeeping with Idleness, fell to occupy such wares as were most gainful: Where, having stufs of all colours, she so pleased her chapmen, that for a while she had good resort: but many of them falling to decay, her ware grown old, and her stuffs common, she that had been a whore in her youth, and a Bawd in her old age, was now become an Almeswoman, and lived upon a poor pittance, when after many a deep sigh, and bitter tear or two, she would sing the Lamentation of a Sinner, To the tune of welladaye.  
After all these, I saw a young woman, of reasonable beauty, indifferent good countenance, and of stature not much amiss, who being in all her life none of the richest, nor for her wit, none of the wisest: yet for that, she had a conceit beyond all good understanding, that because a Knave for a fit of Fie-for-shame or a companion, for gain of a little coin, would persuade her, that she was wonderfully Fair, and exceeding wise, she, out of the great lack of knowledge, in her little discretion, thinking, that if she, out of the Common of two, should be of a better declension than a simple Creature, persuading herself that casting a sheeps eye at a Ramshead, the Horns should not be seen, till the Ewe might avouch the Lamb, by the pride of a few pence, often frequenting the Market, and meeting her Willers at the Tavern, it fell out, that after an idle and loose life, by breach of promise of one expense upon another, and ill dealing of all, having lost all favour with her friends, love of her Kin, and the greatest part of her Portion, having now nothing left, but a wicked face, and a worse body, a gouty leg, and a splay soot, fit for nothing, but a base exercise, she was now with a little coin, in a leather purse, a soul kerchief, a course Petticoat, and a clouted shoe, become a Laundress to the house: where with her hands up to the Elbows in a washing-boul, rubbing up a baby-clowt, stood singing the Ballet, of All a green Willow, to the famous Tune of Ding, dung.  
Now there were divers others in exceeding bad take: as Lusty, Gallant youths, that had spent and made havoc of their Patrimonies, in attending upon vain hopes, and losing their times, exclaiming upon Fortune, growing (even as it were) mad for lack of money, here in this place were let to divers Exercises, of whom the number was to be accounted very great, and therefore I care not if I skip them over: But yet amongst them all, there was one, that I took a special regard unto: a man of a good parsonage, a fair complexion, a quick wit, and a gracious spirit, who either for punishment of his siunes, or for trial of his patience, had been married to a most wild woman: who, as she was neither fair, nor greatly well favoured, yet, was she most exceedingly foolish, and intolerably froward: one, whom nothing contented, but money, which she knew not well how to use, when she had it, and yet, with this piece of ungracious creature, had this poor man tugged out twelve years of his life, when, being so continually wearied out with unquietness, that he knew not where to bestow himself, after long loss of time, expense of much money, and many a heactes grief, thinking no Purgatory so full of pain, as the passion of her frowardness, sat there, reading of the virtue of Patience, when with his Eyes full of tears, and hart-broken sighs he hummed out the Ballad of the Breeches, to the tune of Never more.  
Now this man (after his song,) I had some talk withal, who told me, that of all the Torments of the world there is none so intolerable, as the unquietness of a froward wife. Oh she is like Thunder in his Ears, like lightning in his eyes, like a Bear in his bed, and a dog at his Table, so that if there may be a Devil in a human shape, he will show himself in her picture: Oh quoth he) I pray thee trouble me not with speaking of her, I have grief enough to think of her, for she was the plague of my youth, and is now, the misery of mine age, for, in respect of her Pestilent tongue, this very Purgatory, is a Paradise: she hath been the loss of my credit, the cross of my Fortune, the hurt of my wit, and the only vexation of my spicite: but peace (quoth he) noe more words; for now she begins to awake, you shall see a proof of my speech: when stretching out a mouth, as wide as half a world, after a sléepye yawn or two, scarce well out of her dead slumber, (persmading herself, that she had heard some part of her description) out she breaks into her Natural fits: With yea, I hear you well enough, a vengeance of all such Husbands.  
Good wife, said he, know where you are, have patience: Good Ass (said she) Wherefore? What should one do with a jack anapes that hath neither wit nor government; Thou haste nothing of a man in thee, hang thee Dog: Fie Sister (said he) you are much to be blamed, neither beauty, nor honour, Wealth nor wit, and yet out of Tune still. Fie, fie, learn to be Wise, this is a purgatory, where every body learns patience, and you only spoil all:  
A Purgatory indeed, said she, to be yoked and matched with a Slave, as is by no means able to maintain me, as well as others do their Wives: If thou canst not live, here is a knife to cut thy throat, go to the Sea and drown thyself, or else unto the Gallows and hang thyself, I promise thee I care not for thee: If I were well rid of thee, I would have thy betters, I have no Trade to get my living, and therefore do as thou wilt or canst, I care not: Nay then (said she) if that so be you do not mend your manners, I shall be enforced to leave you in your sleep: and when you are awake, see what your mistcesse will do●e for you: and with that word, swelting with Anger, and ready to foam at the mouth, taking out of her pocket, a Ballad of the Tinker's wife that beat her husband: after she had grated her teeth, and knit her brows and made a wru●ging mouth she fell to reading, till she was fast a sleep: where, he (not willing to wake hit) rose quietly away from her, and with me stealing away from the company, brought me out of that Room into another Room, more lightsome and comfortable, and yet, very pitiful to behold, when the miseries there, were well considered: for, one that had been in love, sat looking on his Mistress Picture, making such a leg to it, writing such verses in honour to it, and committing such Idolatry with it, that poor man, I pitied him: and in his behalf, sorrowed to see how the Fool did handle him: but there sat he, hanging the head, lifting up the Eyes, and with a deep sigh, singing the Ballad of, Come live with me, and be my love: To the tune of adieu my Deer.  
Next to him, sat a young woman, that was very fair, and indifferent wise, of a right good stock, and reasonably honest: but, for want of a good purse, she had lost her lover, and being grown into some years, having no excellent good quality, was there set with a pan of Coals, a starch-pot, and a setting-stick, which being now the Trade of Attendance, to hope of the preferment of marriage, to some fellow of more wealth, then understanding in the world, there sat with her poting stick, stiffening of a fall: and singing the Ballet of Fortune hath stolen away my love to the tune of Green Sleeves.  
To which song leaving her, I cast mine eyes upon a pitiful creature, which, in the shape of a woman, made a pitiful sight: for, being both in proportion, countenance, and quality, an object worth the looking on: yet no sooner began she to utter her passion, in the method of lamentation, but, she did so turn my heart in my belly, that if in hope of her better recovery, it had not turn`d back: a thousand to one, but my kindness had cost me more than I should have gotten by it: for, to tell you some part of her speech, (though it were never in the Grammar) yet, being in the Rules of the Accidents, for the better understanding of the Reader, I will set it down as I can remember it. Oh Lord (quoth she) what plague can be greater to a woman, then to be married to a Muskleboat, which never goes further than a crick, to fish for a Frog, with a Goose-net: was ever any woman in the world brought into such a hell? Oh let me think upon my dingle dangle: in my bed, a log, at my table a Hog, in discourse, a Baby, in judgement, an ass, and for all Imperfections, the substance of worse than nothing, And yet, I must, and have, (but, will no more,) done reverence to this monster, and been a servant to this slave, and all, for a little money: but I have done, I will here rather pine to death, in this Purgatory of Patience, then pass one day longer, in the Labyrinth of sorrow, to live with such a none-such, a fool? Why, I had rather be a beg gar with true wit, than a Lady without true honour: but, since Patience is a medicine for all Maladies, if he continue the coxcomb a little longer, I will fit him a pennyworth to the purpose: and in the mean time, till I see him (which I hope never to do:) let me sing my new Ballet, of the fine fool, to the tune of Tarlton: wherewith pulling a paper out of her pocket, wherein was written both the ditty and the note, she began like a Nightingale, to sing with a voice, that if I had not known her to have been a Woman, I should have thought her some better creature: but there let me leave her in her dumps of Wella-day, and tell you further on, of my passage; taking a little view of all these objects, nothing what I thought most needful, I took the company of my friend, and came into an other Room, greater than that before: where I saw divers, sitting at a round table: and (as it were) at dinner: for every one, had his Trencher furnished.  
One, he fed on Flies, and Bees, which so stung his tongue and bit him by the lip, that he was forc`st to give up household, and leave all hospitality, and study only to please the Lady of the Castle: but, while he was in study, he fed still upon flies, that, (had not his throat been the wider) he had been choked with a fly, instead of some better fare: but loath to leave him, without some further knowledge of him: I understood, that, he had been a man of some understanding, but, so carried away with conceit: that because he thought himself wise, there was more hope of a Fool, then of him, for true wit to do good upon? for, trusting to the compass of his own capacity, so much, that he disdained better company, he was so cozened with the cunning of wit, as, thinking to overreach the Moon with imagination, he fell through the clouds of Error, so low into the lap of Folly, as being swaddled up, in her Babies bands, he must be very old, ere he recover his wits again: but, poor wretch, there let him rest, and watch the Spider's web for a fly, for I had no more to do with him: but the next to him, sat a handsome woman, in shape, but, for her beauty, anointed with the curriers oil: and for her wit, it was so natural, that Art had nothing so do with it, yet had this unseemly creature, among better company, a kind of Pride, that she was worth the looking on, till after great expenses of apparel for her filthy outside, and fine diet for her fowl chaps, she grew to so bare a reckoning with her purse, that her portion must now be raised upon her qualities, which being chiefly in her Needle, she was forced to be sparing of her diet, and make layd-worke the greatest part of her living, whereof though she had her hands full, yet Cutwork being more in use, she was constrained to take exceeding great pains for little profit: but having now new risen up from her work, and set down at the Table, her meat was most chiefly on a fried Mouse, and the reason thereof was, for that she being as watchful as a Cat, and as broad eyed, and evil faced, never gotten without the consent, agreement, or conceit of some such like Creature, it was a dish set before her to decipher her disposition: and so let her sit, her neighbour with a fly, and she with a fried mouse, like good fellows, or good Fools together.  
Now, next her, sat a man, well stepped in years, but fine in apparel, and so brisk in countenance, as if he had fed upon an Elixir, to recover the loss of his strength, and he more strong in mind, then in body, to preserve the smoothness of his countenance, to deceive the sight of a simple Eye, fed only upon a Snail, and so little at once that he kept an exceeding spare diet: which, not being wholesome for all complexions, I meant not to meddle with: but so, leaving him to his perilous dish, took note of her that was next him: who in the shape of a woman, was nothing pleaunng to man: for as she was old, (and therefore not Eiesome,) so was she froward, and that was cumbersome: one, who in her youth had been so lavish of her kindness, that now in her Age, she had nothing left but the contrary: and, where she might have been commander of many friends, she now was grown to be an overseer of Idleness: where being so busy, with a crabbed humour, that she was unfit for good company: lighting amongst beggars, that would flatter her for a poor reversion, for want of a pair of spectacles, to lead the right way to her grave, she fell, (by I know not what chance) into this Fort of Foll, and so, in the society of these Fools, sat at this table of good fellowship: where the most of her food, was of the claw of an old Crabbe: a true Figure of her substance: for her little Eyes, her crawling feet, and her scratching fingers, the salt khewme, like the Sea water, and her grave, like a hole in the mud, where, after her going forward and backward, she went stealing of time to little purpose, feeding upon the gain of young people, as the crab doth on little ashes, she was sweetly deciphered in her diet but, lest I grow tedious in her description, I will tell you of the rest.  
The next was a nimble witted, and glib-toung`d fell low, who having in his youth, spent his wits in the Art of love, was now, become the jest of wit for his looks were so demure, his words were so in print, his graces so in order, and his conceits so in tune: that he was, yea Iwis was he, and that he was, such a Gentleman for a jester, that the Lady Folly, could never be better fitted for her entertainment of all Strangers. The picktooth in the mouth, the Flower in the Ear, the brush upon the beard, the kiss of the hand, the stoup of the head the leers of the eye, and what not, that was unnéedefull, but he had so perfect at his finger's ends, that every she, was my fair Lady, and scarce a Knight, was, Noble Sir, the Tobacco-pipe was at hand, when Trinidado, was not forgotten: and then a Tale of a roasted horse, to make an ass laugh, for lack of wit: why, all things so well agreed together, that at this square Table of people, or table of square people, this Man, (made by rule) could not be spared for a great sum. Now, his meat was most of a Goose to which he had so much sauce, that it would have served for many dishes: but, for that his talk, was to little purpose, and he himself but a picture of Idleness, I leave him among his fellow partners, and will tell you onwards of the next two, for the Table was fully furnished.  
The next to him was a woman, I cannot well say much more of her; for her beauty was worn out; her body was able to carry her limbs, her hands had fingers, and she wanted not a tongue, which was the member she now made most use of; for she would so praise my Lady, so soothe up my cousin, so magnify my Lord, and be so pleasing to every person, that having lost much in her youth by plaindealing, she thought now to recover it by plain knavery: but meeting with such wits as met with her wiles, finding no place of worth, fitting her unworthy company, for lack of better means to live, betook herself to be a gossip among fools, where according to her quality, she was served with tongues only for her diet: which tempered to so many Tunes, and turning to so many matters, that it troubled my ears with the hearing of them, I will leave her to her tittle-tattle, and tell you a little of the last, who was in shape a man, and not a man, I know not what to say of such a man, for he had the eyes of a Calf, the beard of a Goat, the head of a Water-spaniel, (meaning the hair,) the Ear of an Ass, the neck of a Bull, the Nose of a bottle (or a Bottle Nose) and the lip of an Horse, the countenance of a Dog, and the voice of a Hog, which being fed up for lard, was a huge piece of Fat, as for good and firm flesh he had but a little.  
Now, this ugly creature, who was scarce able to go from his bed to the board, must there sit in a chair made of down quilt, with a pillow at his back, and a cushion at his feet, feeding upon sweet Jelly, and laughing at a bawdy tale. Now imagining by the Poet's fiction, he should be GOD, or rather, Devil Bacchus, loath to have to do with such loathsome creatures, I left the company as they sat, and came into the next room: where, being brought in by my guide, (the poor man, that was in miserable taking with a woman, I will not say his wife:) there he took me by the hand, and setting down by me, willed me to be silent, and only give ear to the discourses that I should here betwixt two fools, that in loss of time, should lay open their imperfections: and what I noted worth the laughiug at; to smile, and say nothing: so, after a few friendly instructions for observations in that place, he sets behind a cloth, yet not so close, but through a light sufficient to look on Folly, I might see two goodly personages coming in, hand in hand, who having past some complements of common courtesy, sitting both down together, fell into some kind speeches: and had not she been painted, Venus had been but a Blouse: and had not he been pranked up, he had been the shape of a handsome man.  
But as they were like the Idols of Idleness, let them pass, with their imperfections, and let me tell you a little of their tattle: he, as it fell out for his turn, began thus to go about her: by this fair heaven: (O Lord thought I, thou art I fear nearer hell but on, Did you know sweet Lady, could you guess, or would you conetive, the true, and faithful, and unfeigned, hearty, inward, constant, and resolute and unmovable love, (alas thought I, what's here to do, the man's wits are out of breath, to spend so many words about nothing, but let me go on) the love that I bear you, and only you, and none but you, the Sun of my day, the light of mine eyes, the any of my heart, and honour of my mind: (yet again quoth I to myself, what ails this poor man, is he saying a lesson to his mistress? But a little further.) Then you could not be so hard hearted, so cruel minded, nor so uninercifully disposed, to grieve, to torment to her and to disquiet, this poor afflicted, woeful, sorrowful, and lamentable heart of mine. When, with a sigh he paused, and said no more for the first part. Much ado I had to forbear laughing, but I was glad, when he had done: expecting some worthy answer from her, who, putting up her loose hatre with her hand, removing a pretty worm from his place, with a silver Bodkinne, shaking the head, with a strange wink, setting a face fit for her speech, begun thus her reply. Oh sir, your words, nor your wits, nor your wiles, nor your wits, nor your oaths, (what's the matter now thought I? But on) shall not deceive nor blind, nor overcome, nor go beyond me, so far, but, I know, and perceive, and understand, what you mean, and purpose, & intend, we I enough: (Lord help me, thought I, here's strange Eloquence: but let me go further) but, I hope I will not be a servant, where I may command, be bound, where I am at liberty, and be betrayed in my most trust. (But then to hear the poor man, how he played the fool, 'tis pirty that ever it should be spoken: but for the stories sake, let it pass.) Mistress (quoth he) here is my breast, cut out my heart, see my thoughts: here is my purse, take my gold: my whole state is at your service. (At these words my heart began to tremble, for now the poor man is undone, for she will make him a beggar, and then will he be a stark fool, but to go on, she took his purse and his jewels, and kissed his breast, and said) nay weep not, for I did but try your truth, there shall be no love lost, and therefore, I pray you only, be not jealous of my looks to any other, for you only shall have my love: and therewithal giving him a judas kiss, she whips a bracelet of Pearl off from his Arm, with these words, this shall be your pawn, that I will wear for your sake till to morrow: for ever mistress (quoth he) and all that I have at your service; and I prate you mistress, grace me with your voice, to a ditty that I have meed to the tune of, Lady, Lady, my fair Lady: A vengeance on the fool thought I, it freaks me to hear him play the Ass: but when I heard him fumble the strings of a Bandore, as if it had been the Back side of a battledoor, and her strain ●ut a throat like a Pig, running to a swill tub: I thought if the devil had danced, there had been a Morris for Hell: but, let them be, on the sudden they went away; and in comes another couple; A man after the country manner, and a woman after the our town fashion: he, no more wit, nor she, more understanding, than was fit for the plough and the milk pail: And yet, these two (contrary to all Rules of reason how it should fall out: fell, as it should seem, in love, for, after they had sat down a while, and he had blowed his nose, and she had wiped her mouth, it came so about, that sitting together, he fell to her with these words: jenny, you know I am a man, as other are, and my name is jenkin, so was my father afore me: and, though I have not been brought up at school, to write and read, yet, (I thank God,) I understand English.  
Now, I am not one of these fine toung`d fellows, that will forswear themselves for a fit of knavery: I mean truly and honestly, and so I hope, do you, or else, I would you were hanged for me, and all that mean otherwise, for I do not, believe me, and you will, I will say and hold, I do not love to make every man privy to my secrets, 'twere but folly: you know I love you, and more than ourselves, no man knows any thing of my mind, but your cosenne Hobblin, by whom I sent you the last Sunday, a pair of Gloves, cut out of the best of the sheeps skins, they cost me thréepences, that they did, and I hope, that it shall not be the last love-token, that I will send, and you will take, for, I have somewhat a breeding for you, and therefore, since you know, your Father have left you the pied Heyfare, and your mother have given you the Cosset Lamb, my Grey Mare and the Colt, that I had left me by my Granam, and the crop of Rye, that I have in common field, I hope (if you mean truth and honesty) will do well to begin the world withal: how say you? shall we clap hands, and make a bargain?  
Soft, (quoth she) stay a little, and let me go with you a little, either trust me, or not trust me: I am either a Woman, or a Beast, and therefore never make such a do about nothing, it was a simple napkinne, wrought with coventry blue, wrought with hand in hand and heart between that I sent you, by your Sister Parnell, I will not say what I paid for the working of it, besides a pot of Beer, and two Cakes, but, let it go, I will get it up again: you said you love me, and I love you, and I love you, and you shall find it, but, I tell you, there is day enough to night: soft fire makes sweet malt: I pray you be not angry: for, indeed, I am fallen out with mine Aunt, and I know your mother is not wiling to the match: but, all is one: I am thine my boy, and I have sane it, and I will never go from it: thou didst win me at the Maypole, when that I carried away the Garland, and now, therefore jenny is thine jenkin.  
Be merry and take no thought, for, I am for thee at an hours warning, in the way of honesty, when thou wilt, and therefore, since you are so earnest on the matter, ask the Banes, when you will, bid your friends, and I will bid mine, and we will have a merry Bridal day, let the world wag after as it will.  
so, with a little controversy, the simple people were soon agreed: he so besmouched her, & she so beclapped him, and there tumbling together, as merry as they could wish, I sighed to think, what a supper they would have after breakfast: for when the meat was spent, they might learn to fast for a supper. Alas poor fools, but they are simply foolish, and could not do withal: for love had catched them, and they were in for a bird: and therefore god help the poor, for they were in a pitiful taking, but let them go: when they were risen and parted, came in three men, a Poet, a Musician, and a Painter: but when I saw them in their fits, oh what an humour did I fall into? I knew not what to think. For the Poet studied so long upon a verse, that forgetting his matter, fell flat out with his wits, and made such a rhyme, as being not worth the reading, 'twere very idle for me to write it. The Musician, he kept such a stir with looking up into the sky, for a note above Ela, that being of a suden, so out 〈◊〉 square with his humour, that he was not wholly himself, he played such a song of the three merry men, that had the ditty been in a strange language, I should have been puzzled in the Music: but leaving him in his Crotchets, let me tell you a little of the Painter, who kissed his picture, hugged it in his arms, and grew so far in love with his own workmanship, as in the erfremitie of passion, made him cry out, oh that thou couldst speak to me: but in this humour, these three having stated a while, went their way, like servants to Lady Folly, to see what business she had for them.  
But no sooner were they gone then came in three other: a lame Soldier, a poor travailer, and an upstart Courtier: where every one having spoken his mind, in the manner of a play they departed. The Soldier, he beat his boy for lack of attendance, when he had played away his allowance at Primero. The travailer he talked so of strange matters, that for lack of money, he was glad to fast for his dinner. The Courtier he was so fine in his compliments, that his obligation grew scarce currant for his clothes. Alas thought I, surely; only Folly hath made these men poor, and now poverty hath made them fools: but, in pity let me speak it, they were proper men, and so let them pass. Now, no sooner were they gone, but came in three other: a seely Lawyer, a simple Usurer, and an honest Broker. The Lawyer (as it should seem) had too much care of conscience, for his worldly commodity; who weighing the weight of every cause, and the estate of every client, was more gracious, then politic: and so like an honest poor man, better studied in the law of God, then profiting by the law of man; more fit for prayer, then for pleading, sat reading of a case betwixt the virtue of necessity, and the pride of superfluity: where Lazarus out of heaven showed the blessing of patience; and Dives out of Hell showed the reward of uncharitableness. But let him there sit shaking the head at Usury: and let me tell you a little of the behaviour of that Monster: who having been, (for the most part of his life,) fed with the offal flesh, the pairings of cheese, and the droppings of taps, wring out the toil of the labourer, the hard market of the tradesman, the prodigality of the rich, and the misery of the poor. Those heaps of gold, that had shut up his heart in his purse, sat in the chair of iniquity, tortured with the gout, numbed with the palsy, cramped with the colic, and torrmented in the soul with the worm of conscience: cryeing by fits (as he had any case) oh the hell of a wounded conscience: widows rise out of your graves, take your leases of your houses, and pray for some ease of my passion: children of unhappy parents, receive the gain of unlawful interest, take your portions, too long kept from you: only pray for my comfort, that I be not utterly confounded; miserable men, come out of your prisons, I forgive you your debts, and will restore you your due. Oh the extreme reward of extremity, where law is without love, andcovetousnes without conscience; oh the tears of the widow, the cries of the orphan, the misery of the poor, and the lamentation of the distressed: I see them, I hear them, I feel them: Oh I know not what to do, nor where to rest for them; they rise up to heaven, and weigh me down to hell.  
Oh, what availeth all the world to him, that looseth his own soul: but farewell world, I defy thee; wealth, I hate thee Avarice I detest thee, Charity I embrace thee, Pity I love thee, Necessity I relieve thee, Oppression I abhor thee, Mercy I adore thee, Hell I have not to do with thee, Heaven I come to thee. So distributing to the poor, and comforting the miserable, disposing of his worldly goods, to the good of the distressed christian, bequeathing to the lawyer for his care of conscience, an annuity, to keep him from uncharitable fees: and the Broker a reasonable portion, to make him leave his griping kind of trade or profession: rising from his seat of torment, fell suddenly on his knees to prayer, where his pains mitigated, and his prayers ended, he became a new creature: choosing rather to die a poor christian, then to live a rich Iew. A strange sight, but worth the looking on: but there let me leave him, in a good exercise, and tell yond what followed of the Broker: that poor man féeing the lawyer, and the usurer, both gone from the world, and himself left in a pitiful taking to tarry in it, follows his good masters before him: delivers up his pawns and his bonds, upon such reasonable consideration, that within a while he grew out of credit with the money-maisters, and so giving over his shop, and contented with a mean pittance, lived like a good fool, with his good masters: but since the folly before men, is wisdom before God, I hold such fools in better estate, than greater knaves in more reckoning: but when these men had a while talked of the comfort of their concertion, I scarce turned my head aside, but they were gone. When presently came in an old fellow with a pen in his ear, and a book in his hand: who sitting down in a seat, (like a Sumner in a Church porch, or an A B C schoolemasster) laid down a great book before him, where he read certain names, but his voice being somewhat law, I could not hear him, but his words (I take it were after this manner.  
William, (I know not what more) of (I know not whence) Gentleman, for selling of his Land, and putting of it into money, and spending of it in the Wars, and coming home a beggar: entertained for the shadow of wit, the fourth of April, in the year of Imperfection, show yourself in your place: wherewith cometh forth a strange creature, with a bush on his head, and a forest on his face, a frowning brow, and a leering, Eye, who sitting down on a Beanch, answered, Zounds, here I am, a pox of all Fools, what wouldst thou? Well (quoth the old man) enough, Impatience is one badge of Folly: stay a while.  
Then he reads Thomas, but no more, of et cetera, that had a good stock of money, and lost it in play, entertained for the loss of time, come forth: when presently appeared, a poor man, ill clad, lean faced, and heavy Eyed, biting his fingers, and cursing the Rascal dice, and railing upon Fortune: Oh God, (says the old man) Fortune is the trust of Folly, an other of my Lady's Badges, well, sit you down.  
Then begins he again: Parnell, of such a place, widow, well left by a kind and careful husband, and forgetting his love, and your own good, bestowed all, and lost all, upon a Ruffling roister; entertained for the picture of wilfulness; where are you? When out cometh a creature like a woman, but hanging the head, and wring the hands, and wiping the Eyes, and with a deep sigh, saying Had I wist this would have fallen out: Oh, (well said the old man) Had I wist, another of my Lady's favours, sit of the other town, Daughter to Goodmanne Braye-goose, that being brought to good housewifery, and for a fidlinge humour, will run from your friends, and learn a Base occupation, show the fruit of your fravatle; when comes me forth a jolly brown Wench, with a face a foot long, a mouth, a yard wide, a leg, like a mill-post: and a foot, of a Giants last, and with a belly so full, as threatened two Twins at the least: who holding her hand on her face, said: Idleness, Idleness, it was my utter over throw.  
True, (says he) it is enough: Idleness another of my Lady's badges: Idleness brings man tons, and shame followeth Wickedness, the Trulls Trenchivall: well, take yourplace and sit down.  
Which done, he reads, goodman Rableyes of hollow Grove, and Hobby Noble, of Low Cross, having spent the profit of your yard lands, uppou trial of the right in a hey-cocke, where be you.  
When out comes two country people, one with hob-nailde shoes, and the other with a patched jerkin, and swore, as long as they were worth a groat, they would try the right of the law, I care not I, so I have my will, both standing upon one point: well (quoth he) Will, it is enough; a Badge of my mistresses, that briedes nothing but woe: makes the Lawyer's rich, and yourselves poor: good Fools; sit you down.  
Which done, out comes a Gallant, richly appareled, but meanly moneyed, who had written on his back, In the midst of my stare. When the old man writ, Pride will have a fall: a Lordship on his back, a huge weight, he must needs sink under it.  
After him follows a fine Minion, that made twenty faces, and thirty graces, and had so many merry tricks that she made all the company laugh: when tripping on the Toe, and counterfitting a kind of lisp, for lack of sound teeth, she thus made use of her tongue.  
Oh heavens what a world is this? Nothing but money? Why, is all handsomeness out of fashion? is beauty at so low a price? a dainesye Wench, not worth the whissting? is all Grass become hay? Can a dry Summer make such a dearth, that there is no money to be had for mowers?  
Now tie upon green Plununes, in troth they make my stomach wamble: good Lord, I have so sweat, with making me ready, that if it were not for weariness, I would not have rose before noon: But I have met with my breakfast: and therefore I may stay my stomach to dinner: oh the French fail, and the Spanish stitch the Italian bodies, and the Persian scarf, I hope I will be furnished to the proof.  
And yet, to say troth, I am so fantastic, that I shall be weary of them all, within a while: Heigh-ho: well said Sister, (says the old man) fantastic: another badge of my Ladies; sit you down; which done, came in divers couples together, an old blind man, and lusty a young wench, and born before them up in a shield: A Cornucopia: under with was written, Plenty. Next after them an old lame woman, and a nimble young man: and before them borne, a Scorpion.  
Over which, was written, Poison. Then followed a young man, and a young woman, both poor in purse, but in good state of body: and before them borne Gemini, and over them written, love.  
Then followed a rich Cuckold, and a poor Whore, and borne them Aries: and written Patience.  
Many other pretty Figures there were expressing the meaning of these Maskers, which, for lack of a note book, are suddenly slipped out of my memory.  
But, when this Mask had once gone about the Room, comes out a Fool in a pied coat, and tells them, they must make an end quickly, and take their places, for the Lady was coming, to see an Interlude, and presently a noise of shames, with an outery of knaves, came out, with such a Shout, that, (while I look for some fine matter) waked me suddenly out of my sleep.  
So that I never heard more of any of them, but was ever man so troubled in his sleep? well I was exceeding glad when I was awake, I was so well and safely delivered out of this Pur.  
Why, there cannot be such a thing: and therefore as a dream, let it pass: and so, hoping that if you note well this dream, it will do you no hurt, when you are awake, hoping you will hear with Sléepers, if any thing be not as it should be: in some haste about other business, I bid you heartily farewell.  
FINIS.