Wit's A. B. C.  
Or A century of Epigrams.  
AT LONDON Printed for Thomas Thorp, and are to be sold at the sign of the Tiger's head in Paul's Churchyard.   

To the intelligent Reader.  
IF I should go about to fashion a title, on a fit block for bellua multorum capitum, the many headed multitude, it would be hic labour, hoc opus, as hard as to paint a Chameleon, (which is very variable in his colour) or to fit Proteus with a suit, who is always changing his form. As for the common titles, kind, gentle, loving, and courteous Reader; they are so stale (and therefore out of fashion) that they would scarce be respected, so near of a size, that they will hardly fit such variety of sconces and therefore I refuse them: and though I should turn over whole volumes of Synonimaes, I should not find any so significant, to be correspondent to the fashion, or faction, of the rabble of Readers, for some you shall have, so high in the forehead, that the Tankard fashion will be too low, and they will be pushing at me: some Weasel pated, having little heads, and less wit, and yet with their dudgeon judgements they will generally stab at whatsoever their slender capacities cannot conceive: other there are, whose heads indeed are of a block in Folio, but their wit is in the least decimo sexto, so that it must be that Locus is not aequalis locato, and by consequence a great vacuum, or else their skulls are of such an extraordinary thickness, that one must (as artificers do when they would enter a nail into a hard piece of wood) bore a hole, before he can make a jest have clear passage, into their gross Caputs, and they will stand with hum, and ha, three parts of an hour over one poor Epigram, and at length (because Quicquid recipitur, recipitur ad modum recipientis) they will give sentence that it is dull. Such a number there are of these sorts of unmerciful judges, that it is enough to make a man turn Satire, and tear them limb meal with bitter words. But for my part, I appeal from their censures, and not liking them, I will leave them, and come to my purposed Reader.  
Intelligent Reader, having at idle times scribbled a few rhymes, or Epigrams, and being willing to set them out to the view of the world, as Apelles did his pictures. But not being able to lie under the bulk of every man's censure (as he did) and so to mend any thing I see is a fault, as also to reprehend any prating Cobbler, with ne suitor ultra crepidam. I have chosen thee my only reader if it were possible, at least my patron against all causeless faultfinding fools, hoping that (being 'tis the first lesson I have taken in Wits-schoole) thou wilt favour me if I be not witty. (The first time I have made a show of Poetry) thou wilt pardon me, if I be not Poetical. But howsoever, non mihi Suffenus ero, whether thou speakest with me, or against me, I will subscribe to thy judgement: and so wishing thee as much pleasure in reading my Epigrams, as I had recreation in writing them, I rest.  
Thine as I find cause,   

Author ad Musas.  
GReat Ioues fair Daughters, loving Sisters nine,  
Behold me prostrate at your learned shrine;  
You heavenly Nymphs keeping Parnassus' hill,  
Inspire my mind, and eke direct my quill.  
Grant me your wills, with Wit that I may write,  
And teach me Wit, your wills for to indite.  
And that I may the sooner perfect be;  
Let me straightway begin Wits A. B. C.   

Wits A. B. C.  

Liber ad Lectorem. 1.  
I Hardly did escape the Printers Press,  
It did so rudely crush my tenderness:  
And now I fear more harm will me befall,  
If I long lie upon the Stationer's stall.  
Sometime I shall be nailed unto a post,  
And sometime rashly torn, pinched, scratched, & crossed:  
Reader therefore, in kindness let me woo thee:  
To free me hence, sixpences will not undo thee.   

O Mores. 2.  
FOlly hath lately crowned Fashion king,  
Fashion commands, fashion rules every thing.  
In court, in country, in city, and town,  
Old, young, men, women fear fashions frown.  
For ask your Satin swaggering Cavalier,  
Wherefore his purse contains scarce one denier?  
Or why he walketh dinnerlesse in Paul's,  
As if he prayed for departed souls?  
he'll say 'tis gallants fashion, and that purse  
And belly both, for fashion fare the worse.  
Ask him again why's suit is quite out-wore,  
Before he hath discharged the tailors score?  
Or why he doth his nose with soot up-choake?  
But none forbid a man to feed himself,  
Doth Phagus well (I pray you tell me) then?  
Who often useth swearing for his need,  
Some times with oaths, he doth his belly feed.   

In Croesum, 7.  
Croesus' hath got a pretty trick of late,  
To cousin any needy borrowing mate,  
Two chests he hath, the one stands in his hall,  
And that the world, the other he his friend doth call,  
The which is in his closet crammed with gold,  
But that chest he calls world, no cross doth hold,  
And when that any borrower doth come,  
Ask to borrow any greater sum,  
Then well upon his credit he dare leave,  
With this his new found trick he'll him deceive,  
I swear quoth he (sitting on's empty chest)  
I am not now with so much money blest,  
For in this world (my want this time is such)  
I know not how to get you half so much,  
The man thinks he means plainly, doth depart,  
Although perhaps but with a heavy heart:  
If it be one whom he intends to friend,  
Upon whose credit he dare so much lend,  
Then thus: I have it not, but this I'll do,  
I'll if I can my friend for so much woo,  
And up unto his gold crammed chest he goes,  
Which stuffed with many golden crowns, oreflowes,  
His friend is kind, and priest at his command,  
Take what he will, he will not him withstand,  
Then down he comes, and tells what he hath done:  
How with entreaty he his friend hath won.  
The other thanks him much, and thinks him kind,  
That he hath took such pains to please his mind.  
Nay thank my friend (says he) for your good speed,  
For he it is hath helped you at your need.   

In Cottam. 8.  
COtta when he hath dined, saith Lord be praised,  
Yet never praiseth God for meat or drink;  
Sith Cotta speaketh, and not practiseth,  
He speaketh surely, what he doth not think.   

Tobacco. 9  
THings which are common, common men do use  
The better sort do common things refuse,  
Yet Country's cloth breech, and Court velvet hose,  
Puff both a like, Tobacco through their nose.   

In Superbum. 10.  
RVstique Surperbus fine new clothes hath got,  
Of taffeta, and velvet fair in sight:  
The show of which hath so bewitched the sot,  
That he thinks Gentleman to be his right.  
But he's deceived, for true that is of old,  
An ape's an ape though he wear cloth of gold.   

Gentility, 11.  
IN former times were none called Gentlemen  
But those whose higher spirits fame did win,  
Either in learning passing other men,  
Or else whose valiant acts had famous been:  
Learning, and Valour, than were known to be,  
The only fountains of Gentility,  
These Eagle like, could gaze against the Sun,  
By them conjoined all brave exploits were done.  
But now the world is changed, the Kite is crept  
Into the Eagles nest; each base swain  
Hath undeserved name of credit reaped.  
For such as have [Experience shows it plain]  
Moore wealth, than Wit, more veils, than valour are  
In gentle blood now thought to bear a share.  
But wrong it were unto true Gentle blood  
It should be stained with such a bastard brood.   

A Paradox. 12.  
Dives his house hath cost a thousand pound,  
For he hath built it newly from the ground:  
'tis fairer now than when his father lived,  
'tis better built and better far contrived:  
But yet of late I saw a poor man weep:  
Saying his father a better house did keep.  
Wherefore to me A Paradox it seemed,  
That what was worse, could yet be better deemed.   

In Gallum. 13.  
GAllus who was so long unmarried,  
Hath now at length [he thinks] a maiden wed,  
She is not old, he hopes she'll bear a child  
To be his heir: but sure he is beguiled:  
For ground leaves of to bear, which long hath boar,  
And she hath borne so much, she'll bear no more.   

In Lycippum. 14.  
LYcippus you will yield your wife's a whore,  
Yourself a cuckold, but you grant no more,  
I say then you must a whoremaster be,  
That you deny, i'll prove it openly:  
Who loves, lives with, likes, and lies with a whore  
Is a whoremaster, you do this therefore  
You needs must yield, although with much ado,  
That a right cuckold's a whoremaster too.   

A Little thing. 15.  
SImon, and Sisse his wife are fallen out,  
He's kind enough, yet she laughs him to scorn,  
She scolds, and frowns, and calls him ass and lout,  
Swearing that she will make him wear the horn▪  
And yet the cause as Fame the news doth bring,  
Is all about a very little thing.   

In Alphonsum. 16.  
ALponsus lately went to learn the French,  
For Linguam mulierum well he loved:  
And where his teacher lay, he found a wench,  
Though part he liked, the whole he more approved.   

In Quandam. 17.  
IF Grace step out of doors into the street,  
But towards Church, or with a friend to meet:  
What is the cause it may be some will ask,  
Why she still goeth hooded in her mask;  
Grace is afraid, although to her disgrace,  
The wind, or rain will mar her painted face.   

In Baldum. 18.  
ARt mends nature, Baldus can tell as much,  
And by experience his skill is such,  
For had it not been so, as 't well be fald,  
He knows his false hayrd head, had yet been bald,  
But when that nature was deficient,  
Therein, Art presently her succour lent.  
And therefore head, and beard do not agree,  
Cause nature, and art much differing be.   

In Gelliam. 19  
GEllia hath been at Cookry, many a day,  
A Cooks her father, so her master is:  
Then she must needs dress flesh well you will say,  
'tis probable, but yet you judge amiss.  
For She so much from all good chookry's turned,  
That flesh hath come from her, half raw, half burnt.   

In Quandam. 20.  
IS she that merchants wife? I know that face,  
And sure have seen it, in some other place;  
Le's see, did I not meet her on the way?  
Or see her at a Sermon, or a play,  
Or where was it? i'faith 'twould please me well,  
If I for certainty the place could tell;  
Oh now I have't, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 not worth a louse:  
'twas but her picture, at a bawdy house.   

Misogunes his invective against women. 21.  
TH' are called women quasi woe, to men;  
The which is proved to true, now and then.  
And divers men, by getting of a wife,  
Dove often hazard living, limb, and life,  
For they are faithless, cruel, and unkind;  
Unconstant, and disloyal, still in mind  
they'll hate you deadly, when you'd swear they love,  
When you most trust them, they unfaithful prove.  
Women are proud, immodest, and unchaste,  
Vice reigneth in them, virtue's quite defaced,  
Their faults are many, though they them disguise,  
All which I'll truly thus Epitomise:  
Siren's in show, in word, and deed theyare devils,  
The only fountain of all humane evils.   

Philogunes his answer. 22.  
BLack mouthed Zoilus, base Misogune,  
Monster of men, infernal progeny,  
Whose cankered soul to nought is circumflexe,  
But wrongfully t'abuse the female sex:  
One tale is good until another's heard,  
When mine is ended, thine will quite be marred.  
Women are fellow-helpers, men's relief,  
A comfort, and copartners in their grief:  
A man when once he hath obtained a wife,  
Doth after live a quiet, pleasing life,  
For they being faithful, loyal▪ and most kind,  
Do rid all sorrows, from a grieved mind.  
They love men dearly, constant is their love,  
Though you mistrust them, they most faithful prove  
Women are sober, modest, humble, chaste,  
Vice they defy, virtue in them is graced.  
Their praise is great, the which in brief I'll tell,  
[Let them control me if I do't not well]  
In show theyare Saints, in word and deed most kind  
The sole perfection of the humane kind.   

Philologus his moderation. 23.  
MIsogunes who hateth woman's name,  
Doth what he can that sex for to defame,  
And being wronged by some, saith constantly,  
That all women want shame and honesty.  
In brief heel falsely swear, in his mad mood,  
That never any of that sex proved good.  
But Philogunes on the adverse part,  
Being mild in word, and far more mild in heart.  
And having of that sex some favours had,  
Saith never any woman was known bad.  
The one doth wrongfully them all despise,  
The other doth extol them to the skies:  
The one most churlishly doth all miscall,  
The other soothingly commends them all.  
Thus both do err, being both in the extreme,  
For all men err, who do not keep the mean.  
Wherefore let me [free from affection]  
Being not wronged by any, yet bound to none:  
Speak freely what I think, and end this strife,  
Without displeasing widow, maid or wife.  
The fairest garden, bears some stinking weed,  
The fertil'st ground with wheat brings Cockle seed.   

But why do they then use that Bacchus' weed?  
Because they mean then Bacchus like to feed.   

goodfellows. 30.  
THey that will haunt the taverns day by day,  
And drink till they cannot a wise word say,  
Are not accounted drunkards now adays,  
But they are called goodfellows (as their praise)  
And right theyare called, for they goodfellows be,  
Good fellows for a drunken company.   

In Bacchum. 31.  
POt lifting Bacchus to the earth did bend  
His knee, to drink a health unto his friend:  
And there he did so long in liquor power,  
That he lay quite sick drunk upon the flower.  
judge, was not there a drunkard's kindness shown?  
To drink his friend a health, and lose his own.   

In Flaccum 32.  
FLaccus being young, they said he was a gull,  
Of his simplicity each mouth was full:  
And pitying him they'd say the foolish lad,  
Would be deceived sure of all he had.  
His youth is past, now may they turn him lose,  
For why the gull, is grown to be a goose.   

In Bembum. 33.  
BVshy chinned Bembus, in his angry mood,  
'Gainst one [offending him] who by him stood,  
Called him boy, meaning his great disgrace,  
Why boy? because he had no hairs in's face,  
Bembus great beard doth sure his wit impair,  
If he think manhood, doth consist in hair.   

A rich man. 34.  
HE's rich that hath great Incomes by the year,  
Then that great bellied man is rich i'll swear:  
For sure his belly near so big had been,  
Had he not daily had great comings in.   

Painters. 35.  
Apelles' heretofore 'gan Venus paint,  
But durst not finish out so great a saint:  
Painting of Venus than you see was rare  
That Apelles to do it would not dare.  
But age hath made her youthful beauty fade  
And of Apelles now she would be glad:  
For, he being dead, what shift [poor soul] she makes  
Not liking others she her maidens takes  
For Painters, they the art of painting learn,  
And by that art, they praise of beauty earn:  
Venus held them so close unto their trade,  
That they by use are perfect painters made.  
How cunningly they can a wrinkle hid,  
A spot, a mole, a scar, a pockhole wide,  
And die their cheeks, and lips, with blushing red,  
Where never any naturally was bred,  
To paint so common is 'mongst female kind,  
That few women's true faces now we find.   

In Caluos. 36.  
Cornutus' asked me, how such hap befalld,  
His brethren of the town, that most were balld,  
I told him thus (being loath to say him nay)  
Their cruel horns, do fear their hairs away,  
If it be so (quoth he) dissolve this doubt,  
Why hind part's hayrd, when forepart is without?  
I said, though leasser fear the greater might,  
Yet than they are secure, when out of sight,  
So hairs may be in that place, without fear,  
Because their horns, cannot espy them there.   

Aenigma, 37.  
'mongst burden-bearing creatures there is one,  
That differeth from the rest, is like to none,  
They when they take their burdens up, do grieve,  
And to throw't from them earnestly do strive,  
And being disburdened once, than they rejoice.  
But this I mean is differing in its choice,  
It takes, and bears most willingly, being eased,  
Then, then alas 'tis most of all displeased.  
Thou shalt be Oedipus if thou not miss,  
To tell what kind of creature this same is.   

A winding hound. 38.  
THat puppy hath some excellent virtue sure,  
Thy Mistress can with her so well endure:  
No great virtue Sir, but 'tis a winding hound,  
They say brought lately, from the land new found.  
My Mistress loves it still with her to have,  
Because it doth oft-time her credit save.  
The reason why, if you do seek to find,  
My Mistress indeed, is troubled with the wind.   

In Clotum. 39  
NEw married Clotus to the Fence-school goes,  
Which makes each wonder that the matter known  
That he who did it not (before) delight,  
Should now at length, being married learn to fight.  
Some think that one hath challengd him the field,  
And fears his want of skill will make him yield,  
Or that he doth his skill in fight mend,  
That he the better may his wife defend.  
This may be true, but I dare lay my life,  
The youngster doth it now to match his wife.   

In Morum. 40.  
MOrus whose fame cried cuckold to his face,  
Both to his own and's wives no small disgrace:  
Herd one read lately in Philosophy,  
That what had horns from teeth above was free,  
Is't true (quoth he?) Philosophy say so:  
Then henceforth for a cuckold i'll not go,  
If cuckold. I had horns▪ if horns? no teeth  
That I no cuckold am then each man seeth?  
To speak more plainly to each foolish daw,  
Let them feel have teeth in my uper jaw:  
Morus that's wife is honest now will swear,  
And of a horn he standeth not in fear:  
As long as his old rotten teeth do last,  
he'll think he's not with forked order graced.   

Horns. 41. Husband.  
WHen thou art whorish I do wear the horn,  
But why should I for thine own faults bear scorn?  
If thou offend, do thou for it be blamed,  
And let not me for thine offence be shamed.  

Wife.  
IF I have horns, I on my head must bear them,  
thou'rt my head, & therefore thou shalt wear them:    

In Papam. 42.  
THe Pope of all the world is supreme head,  
As he himself and Papists testify:  
He is condemned as one with error led,  
That dares gainsay his sole supremacy,  
And sure he errs, that's not of this belief,  
That amongst sinners, he's supreme, and chief.   

Monks and Friars. 43.  
Monks and Friars, are holy Fathers named,  
Nor may they that do call them so, be blamed:  
For the great number of their bastard breed,  
Shows they are wholly Fathers all indeed.   

A Puritan. 44.  
A Certain fellow of the purest sect,  
(Who outwardly did holiness respect)  
Could not endure a surplice in the Church,  
But lately he was took in such a lurch:  
That he that could not with a surplice bear,  
Did now himself i'th' church a white sheet wear   

A Bible-bearer. 45.  
A Brother of the Bible-bearing trade,  
Me to his sect did earnestly persuade,  
Saying 'twas good from wicked men to abstain,  
And follow rather his Sects holy vain:  
We holy men (quoth he) by th' spirit live,  
It guides our deeds, it doth us council give:  
judge 't is not true, if I be not beguiled,  
Some spirit moved him to gets maid with child.   

In Papam. 46.  
THe Papists say the Pope is Peter's heir,  
Hath Peter's power, and sits in Peter's chair,  
In part 'tis true, the Papists have not lied,  
For he like Peter hath his Christ denied.   

Problema. 47.  
WHat Papists maintains, Protestant doth defend,  
Why then do not their controversies end?   

In Immeritum. 48.  
Immeritus hath got a benefice,  
Alas poor fool, I know 'tis all but lies,  
It is impossible, such an ass as he,  
Should so much in a Patron's favour be;  
No man of wisdom I think is so mad,  
To accept of him whilst scholars may be had.  
Tush scholars are not esteemed: and he can,  
Give money for't, as well as any man.  
That's not the way for then he is forsworn,  
And perjury by the law cannot be borne:  
He swore that he was free from Simony,  
Either directly, or indirectly.  
Had I been by, I would have been so bold,  
To have said that he a direct lie had told,  
For whether or no you call it Simony,  
In it most plainly you money see.  
With money he swore he did not buy it,  
Yet with money's worth he did come by it,  
For he hath twenty tricks (who'd think the daw  
Had so much wit) to fallify the law,  
he'll give you forty pounds for a good horse,  
And that with's patron for a jade he'll skorce,  
Or for a jade (as he unskilful were)  
he'll give his patron twenty times too dear.  
Or else he'll give (rather than want a shift)  
Thus much still yearly for a newyears gift,  
Or lay a hundred pounds, in jeopardy  
With's patron he shall never parson be  
Of such a place, perhaps then unsupplied:  
Both stand to th'bargain, till the truth be tried,  
But's greedy patron strait on him bestows  
The living, so he doth his money lose.  
Thus whilst Desert sits closely at his book,  
Immeritus takes all with golden hook,  
No more i'll tell, lest that some learn of me,  
Whilst that I carp at such base knavery,  
But such a patron, such an unlettered ass  
For fit companions, thorough the world may pass.   

In Indoctum. 49.  
WHat I have bought 's mine own, none will deny  
Indoctus then got 's living lawfully;  
[though some say no] for this I can be bold  
To say, that it was truly bought and sold.   

Fortune favours fools. 50.  
POets say Fortunes blind, and cannot see,  
And therefore to be borne withal if she  
Sometime drop gifts, on undeserving wight:  
But sure they are deceived, she hath her sight:  
Else could it not at all times so fall out,  
That fools should have, when wise men go without.   

Ad Fortunam. 51.  
Unconstant Fortune, folly's favourite,  
Worlds turning weather cock: true merits spite  
Goddess whom none but only fools adore,  
Patroness, whose aid wisemen near implore,  
Favour those worldlings that do fear thy looks,  
He that is wise will near come in thy books.   

In Crispum. 52.  
AMongst those Fortune favours some excel,  
And from their fellow fools do bear the bell,  
Whilst some climb up by th'spokes of Fortune's wheel,  
Crispus did suddenly her favour feel,  
For only by food favouring fortunes might,  
Before he's Gentleman, he's made a Knight.   

A new art. 53.  
THe fame were great of golden Alchemy,  
Wert not it is the Actor's beggary:  
An Art found out by th'gallants of our days,  
Were't honest, did deserve far greater praise,  
Who practise that, thereon their substance spend.  
Who practise this, thereby their substance mend.  
That is not strange, cause 'tis by learning wrought:  
But this, by such, scarce ere of learning thought,  
For Civet gallants bearing Thrasoes looks,  
Can extract 
a  thousands out of merchants books,  
Is it not wondrous rare, speak as you think,  
To draw wealth out of Paper, Pen, and Ink?   

Ad Lectorem. 54.  
IF Seigneur Satin chance on this to look,  
And fuming draw his poniard, stab the book:  
If (finding's art revealed) he curse, and swear,  
What he would to th'author were he there.  
Entreat him kindly, and his patience crave,  
Saying thereby he shall more Scholars have.   

In Theologum quendam. 55.  
VAcuum, and Infinitum are denied,  
To have a being in Philosophy,  
One body cannot see itself divide:  
To have at once more places properly.  
Although all this be true in general,  
Yet our Theulogus will all confute,  
Not by learning, or wit Sophistical,  
But by appearance, though be quite mute:  
All things considered if he come in view,  
I know you'll yield the subsequents are true.  
His great, great head a Vacuum doth contain,  
Of wit I mean, as by his talk appears,  
His belly Infinitum, doth retain,  
For it unmeasurable compass bears.  
His proper place his multiplicity,  
Unto his neighbours very well is known,  
Him to have many places who'll deny,  
That hath so many livings of his own.  
Now I pray judge whether this man be wise,  
Being subject to that Philosophy denies.   

In Quosdam. 56.  
MAny have two livings (two places then)  
The which is hated much of learned men.  
And 'tis no marvel if scholars do defy it.  
Sith that Philosophy doth quite deny it.   

In Proteum. 57  
Proteus' will now at length a surplice wear,  
But yet with hood, and cap he will not bear,  
Some think it strange why he would that digest,  
Being all indifferent and not like the rest.  
But 'twas in policy, because he knew,  
He should wear none had every man his due.   

In quendam. 58.  
YOu do him mighty wrong now by this light,  
But Esquiere, & take the wall of him being knight  
Content yourself, I hope no harm is done,  
Though he be Knight, he's but a Yeoman's son.   

In Musicos. 59  
TIme is a jewel far exceeds all cost,  
Yet stays not long ere suddenly 'tis lost,  
'tis time, that brings both learning, wealth, and wit,  
And every one wants those that wanteth it.  
What is there wished for by the human kind,  
That not in time we easily may find?  
How happy men were then, if time would bide,  
How happy men if 'twould not from them slide?  
Thrice happy they then who can it command,  
With nod of head, with stamp, with stroke of hand  
And whilst some moaning their lost time do weep  
Can singing merrily, it with them keep,  
So little they, not keeping time, do fear.  
That over it they prouly domineer.  
Sometime they make it slow, now faster run,  
Now triple that, now as they first begun,  
Sometime they'll have it brief, now large, now long.  
Or what they please and all this for a song.   

In Eosdem, ad quendam. 60.  
MOunseiur Crotchet me thought was very blithe,  
At this, and moving 's lips did show his teeth,  
Smiling to hear himself and 's art in rhyme,  
To be so much admired for keeping time,  
But Crotchet d' ye hear? though time a jewel is,  
And though you seld in keeping time do mis:  
Yet such you are, that when you keep time least,  
Than it is mainfest you keep time best.  
When you keep time (though strange) than time you lose,  
Time slides, when you a time to keep time choose,  
Beside mark what unto your fellow's fald,  
How time at length hath made his cockscomble bald.   

In Grillum. 61.  
Cards, Dice and Bowls, and every idle game  
Grillus doth use and them his pastime name▪  
That he lives wondrous idly that doth show,  
For time will pass not idly spent, we know.   

The Shepeards' dog, 62.  
THe Shepeards' dog should bark, and bay,  
That he may fear the coming wolf away,  
He should be watchful, and not given to sleep,  
And swift, quickly to turn the straying sheep,  
But if the cur being dumb can no noise make,  
Then will the wolf away the youngling take:  
If he be grown so fat he cannot go,  
Then in the sheepfold will there be great woe,  
If he be sluggish, and will do no good?  
Let him be hanged, let other have his food.   

In Varum. 63.  
VArus they say is a rank Papist known,  
How ere in works, in words it is not shown.  
For if you mark his strange protesting vain,  
How deeply he protests in matters plain,  
And how he doth with pretestations mix  
His common speech, still I protest betwixt,  
You'll say how ere to others he do seem,  
That you him a great Protestant do deem.   

In Leucum. 64.  
LEucus loves life, yet liveth wickedly,  
He hateth death, yet wisheth he may die  
Honestly, and well: so what is nought he loves,  
And what he would have good he not approves.   

Problema. 65.  
Sigh bed, and sleep do figure death and grave,  
And of them both all men such practice have,  
And seeing that practice makes each man excel,  
Tell me why every man doth not die well?   

In Loquacem. 66.  
BIg bombast words Loquax did disgorge,  
As if he were more valiant than Saint George:  
And swore that he in fight would never fear,  
Knight, or Esquire, or what soever he were,  
But being tried he quickly ran away,  
Whereby I found that he the truth did say,  
I none will fear said he, and true he said,  
For none of such a cow will be afraid.   

In Extremum. 67.  
EXtremus is extremely proud of late,  
And yet for wealth he may be Irus' mate,  
He hath as little wit as heretofore,  
And in good qualities he's very poor.  
What then is it that makes the foolish ass,  
Without all reason thus in pride to pass?  
Why he can swear well, and hath got good clothes  
And is proud of's apparel and his oaths.   

In Pisonem. 68  
AGe and diseases threaten Piso's life,  
And yet the aged sire will have a wife,  
One foot already 's placed in the grave,  
And yet he will a female fellow have,  
Wherefore I think (a thing but seldom seen)  
Although his head be grey, his tail is green.   

Fast, and Pray, Feast and Play. 69.  
FAsts, and Feasts exceeding differing be,  
And yet in name they almost do agree,  
To Pray, and Play are actions different,  
And yet in found but little dissident,  
Add E excess to Fast then 'tis a Feast,  
Change 
a Religion.  R. for 
b Licentiousness.  L. so Pray to Play is wrest.   

In Glaucum. 70.  
Glaucus' you say doth Hebrew learn, & Greek,  
And with great pains the skill thereof doth seek,  
But pray tell Glaucus this that he take heed  
Lest that his learning do his danger breed:  
For Grecians π, and Hebricians ח  
Have many brought to an untimely death.   

In Pansophum. 71.  
Pansophus is a scholar wondrous rare,  
Beside his skill in tongues, is past compare:  
For he can speak some of Italian, Dutch;  
English, Spanish, French and Greek his skill is such▪  
In a word, he speaks some of nine or ten  
As for example he can say Amen.   

In Galbum. 72.  
I Saw a letter which from Galbus came  
Wherein he wrote three letters for his name;  
I was told also that 'tis still his use,  
Therefore (me thinks) the more his own abuse:  
For every one that haps the same to see,  
Will think him a 
Homo trium liter●●●●.  three lettered man to be.   

Tobacco. 73.  
T. Time's great consumer, cause of idleness  
O. Old alehouse haunter, friend of dronkenese  
B. Bewitching weed, vainest wealths consumer  
A. Abuse of wit, stinking breaths perfumer,  
C. Cause of entrails blackness, bodies drier,  
C. Cause of nature's slackness, quenching her fire,  
O. Offence to many, bringing good to none,  
E. Ever be thou hated till thou be quite gone.   

In Gracchum. 74.  
Gracchus' his house hath chimneys round about,  
Yet there's no smoke at all that doth come out  
Which made me wonder oft what cause might be,  
Why from so many I no smoke could see,  
But now I hear, that he to favour those,  
Makes all the smoke in's house go through his nose.   

In Crispam. 75.  
CRispa brags of the sweetness of her breath,  
And that it like a Panthers is she saith,  
Indeed when I her countenance behold,  
I am persuaded she the truth hath told,  
For likely 'tis that nature to do her grace,  
Gave her a Panther's breath to her Panther's face.   

In Floram. 76.  
THough Flora swears she's fair, believe her not,  
For beauty never yet fell to her lot,  
Or if it did; then sure in her 'twas sin,  
To cover beauty with so foul a skin.   

In Cretam. 77.  
CReta doth love her husband wondrous well,  
It needs no proof, for every one can tell,  
So strong's her love that if I not mistake,  
It doth extend to others for his sake.   

Pope joan, 78.  
THe Pope is God the Papists dare not say,  
Yet that he's merely man they do denay,  
But all of them in this thing do agree.  
Him something neither God, nor man to be,  
Their reasons for it are but small, or none,  
Unless they seek to prove it by Pope joan,  
And so indeed they may bring it to pass,  
For she (nor God, nor man) a woman was.   

In Eandem, 79.  
A Pope may be deceived I see it now,  
Their Synods to may err I'll show you how,  
If that Pope joan for certain had foreseen,  
The time when her deliverance should have been,  
She would have shunned a thing so far unmeet,  
And not have fallen in travel in the street,  
Could not their Synods err from the truth's scope  
They never would have made a woman Pope.   

In Pontum. 80.  
'tIs true that whence a thing at first is bred,  
With that 'tis ever after nourished,  
As Pontus being made Gentleman by wealth,  
By wealth keeps his Gentility in health.  
For if you take away his fortunes good,  
He hath not then one drop of gentle blood.   

In Clytum, 81.  
CLytus to get himself the greater fame,  
Braggeth of what an ancient house he came,  
Of what good blood: that you may him believe  
The better I this testimony give:  
Clitus his blood is surely good indeed,  
'Cause he will cry straight if (being hurt) he bleed:  
The house so ancient was where he was bred,  
That it was like to fall on's father's head.   

In Mopsum, 82.  
MAnnerly Mopsus fearing to offend,  
Doth with Sirreverence his speeches mend,  
Sir-reverence if he speak of's shoes, or hose,  
Sir-reverence if he say he blowed his nose,  
Sir-reverence if he name his cart, or plough.  
Sirreverence if he tell of Pig, or Cow.  
In brief almost what ere he means to speak,  
Before it sir-reverence the way doth break.  
Such manners sir-reverence, Mopsus learned at school,  
That now sir-reverence Mopsus is a fool.   

In Caluum. 83.  
CAlvus leave of your oft uncoverie,  
That you were bald at first time I did see,  
Keep on good Calvus, pray be covered,  
I had rather see your hat then your bald head.   

In Sophistam. 84.  
SOphista says he can prove, ay marry can,  
A stock, a stone, or tree to be a man;  
Black to be white, water to be fire,  
Earth to be air; or what you will desire:  
Yea all things you do think impossible,  
He easily can prove them possible.  
Then pray let's hear (with all his fallacies)  
If he can prove himself or rich, or wise.   

In Maritum. 85.  
MAritus hath skill in Philosophy  
They say, but I imagine him to be  
Philosophy itself; my reason's this,  
Cause Corpus mobile his subject is.   

In Graium. 86.  
GRaius, now saith that his wife, and he  
After long strife, like quiet sheep agree:  
A fit comparison: I think the same,  
For why? his horns show he is like a Ram.   

In Pretum. 87.  
THE old disease will Pretus sure betide,  
I see that he the horn-plague must abide,  
For but a while he hath been married,  
And he already hath a velvet head.   

In Biscum. 88  
I Pray you sir give Biscus leave to speak,  
The Gander loves to hear himself to creak.   

In Claium. 89.  
CLaius while's father lived to school was set  
The knowledge of arithmetic to get,  
Which he obtained: his father being dead  
He since hath it in order practised.  
And first he Numeration began,  
Which all the parcels of his wealth did scan,  
Next by Addition in sum he made,  
The worth of all he in possession had,  
But before he these two had practised well.  
He foolishly unto Subtraction fell,  
That he found easier than the other two,  
And parted from't with very much ado,  
But yet at length from it he got him gone,  
And past unto Multiplication,  
By it he should have multiplied his store,  
From which he had subtracted late before,  
But unto him so difficult it was,  
That he by no means could bring it to pass,  
Wherefore he to Division went,  
In practice whereof so much time he spent,  
That he assayed Reduction in vain,  
Being hard to join divided wealth again,  
And foolish 'twas to try Progression,  
Having no matter left to work upon,  
Unless he'd prove Arithmetician right,  
And name something when nothing is in sight.   

In Eundem. 90.  
CLaius doth know all Arithmetic well,  
But in Extracting roots he doth excel,  
For in his father's late, well wooded ground,  
Scarce any roots of trees can now be found,   

Aenigma. 91.  
THere is a certain flower the earth doth bear,  
Which upon it the Prince's name doth wear,  
It hath no pleasant sound, no taste, no smell,  
Yet pleaseth ears, and tongue, and nose full well,  
No curious subject for the touch, or sight,  
And yet both hand, and eye it doth delight.  
It's operation is exceeding strange,  
In men, and human things it causeth change,  
It makes some masters, and it makes some slaves,  
(According as each man himself behaves)  
Sometime it causeth peace, and sometime war,  
It maketh some men love, and some men jar,  
In brief, 'tis cause of many contraries,  
Now what this flower is, do thou devise.   

In Priscum. 92.  
WHy doth Priscus still strive to have the wall?  
Because he's, often drunk and fears to fall.   

Ad Cinnam. 93  
WHy how now Cinna down upon thy knees?  
This scarce with thy profession agrees,  
Thou seldom dost bow down thy knees to pray,  
What is it now that makes thee thus obey?  
I am about to drink whole bowls of bear,  
Unto mine own sweet mistress health I swear,  
Upon thy knees? what dost thou surely think  
Thy legs will hardly bear up so much drink.  
And is thy mistress sweet, a piece so dry,  
That her good health doth in much liquor lie.   

In Cacum ad Lectorem. 94.  
CAcus will dice, and drab, and steal, and lie,  
Be drunk, and curse, and swear most horribly  
And yet he'd have me I should him commend  
Unto his father, brother, uncle, friend;  
I do confess it is a common thing  
Commendations from friend, to friend to bring  
But (Reader) first I pray thee let me learn  
If thou thinkst he doth commendations earn?   

Ad Musicos discordantes. 95.  
NAy fie, musicans and at discord fall,  
The wrong to your profession is not small:  
You say that discords sound most harsh to ' th' ear,  
Then why do you now with a discord bear?  
You do profess a skill in Musics ground,  
Yet do you Music wrong by discords sound?  
When you do sing, and play you do agree,  
And when you say, and do will it not be?  
This makes me think sith play, & songs but sport  
That you do but agree in jesting sort.   

In quendam, ad Lect. 96.  
I Pray gentlemen pacify the man,  
And mitigate his choler if you can,  
I fear he will do harm to some one by,  
If that his choler do abide so high.   

Aenigma In Dondellum ad Gal: Ling. stud. 97.  
Drowsy Dondellus hath no voice to sing  
No skill to set prove, prick, or any thing  
That may be said to singing doth belong,  
And yet great practice he hath had in song,  
And thereby he hath profited full well,  
But how this same may be, let's hear you tell.   

A sensible man, ad Logicos. 98.  
civis commends the chiefest of their town  
Saying he to excel the rest in wisdom's known  
Nay more (says he) I easily prove it can  
That he is a very sensible man:  
Yea each that would his friend for wisdom praise,  
That he is a sensible man he says:  
But is it true? is nature now grown poor?  
Are axioms false? is man worse than before?  
And do you think that it is possible,  
That being men they be but sensible?  
If it be true, what asses are the rest?  
When as the wisest is but like a beast.   

In Mathum ad Academicos. 99  
Look not that Mathus will come for's degree,  
For I am sure he ne'er will master be,  
Not that he wanteth will, but as they say  
His wife doth privately his grace denay.  
Unhappy chance, and lest it may be so  
To you▪ Be masters 'fore you thence do go.   

Ad librum. 100  
IF that Severus my Epigrams do see,  
And frowning say that they be idle rhymes,  
I prithee tell Severus this from me,  
It's true, for they were made at idle times.   Claudite iam risos Musae, sat turba biberunt. 
FJNIS.