EVERY Woman in her Humour.  
LONDON Printed by E. A. for Thomas Archer, and are to be sold at his shop in the Popes-head-Pallace, near the Royal Exchange. 1609.   

Every Woman in her Humour.  Enter Flavia as a Prologue. 
GEntles of both sexes, and all sorts, I am sent to bid ye welcome, I am but instead of a Prologue: for a she prologue is as rare as an usurers Alms: non reperitur in usu, and the rather I come woman, because men are apt to take kindly any kind thing at a woman's hand; and we poor souls are but too kind, if we be kindly entreated, marry otherwise, there I make my Aposiopesis: the Author hath indeed made me an honest merry wench, one of his humorists, yet I am so much beholding to him, I cannot get me a husband in his play that's worth the having, unless I be better half of the suitor myself: and having imposed this audacity on me, he sends me hither first for exercise I come among ye all: these are the Contents, that you would hear with patience, judge with lenity, and correct with smiles, for the which our endeavours shall show itself like a tall fellow in action: if we shall join hands, a bargain.  
As a lowly earnest, I give this courtesy before, And in conceit I give ye twenty more.  Enter Accutus and Graccus. Gra. 
Nay, but Accutus, prithee what misshapen vizard of Melancholy hast thou masked thyself in? thou look'st as thou were't changing thy religion: what? is there a breach in thy Faith? come, declare, and let me set thy wits on work, to amend it.  Acut. 
Ha ha ha!  Grac. 
Pretty: a man's well advisd to offer good counsel, and be laughed at for his labour: we shall shortly have no Counsellors but Physicians, I spend my breath to thee, and thou answerest me some half an hour after in a sembreve, or like to a Sexton with a Sobeitor Amen.  Acu. 
Condemn my Stars then.  Grac. 
I should wrong am then, as thou dost with a false indictment, I know it took not, being at thy birth, thou hast been merry, thou hast sounded hoops, swallowed whiffs, walked late, worn favours, seen whore sons: thou canst feel and understand, come, thou hast been a sinner: unload, discharge, untune, confess, is venus' dominatrix? art not in love?  Acut. 
Yes, I love God and my neighbours.  Grac. 
Then either for God's sake or thy Neighbours, or both, be smooth, and participate, be't not some underlayer, some she Camel that will bear as much of her belly, as three beasts on their backs? some Lanthorne-maker, I'll hold thy head: come, up with't.  Acut. 
Prithee I hate none, but heaven hate me if I be in love with any.  Grac. 
Off with these clogs, then break prison, and get out of this melancholy jail, hark how the general noise doth welcome from the Parthian wars, each spirit's jocund, fraught with glee, then wrong not thine with this dull meditation.  Acut. 
Oh! how do they then wrong my meditation? my thoughts are with themselves at a counsel, till with noise and thou with continual talk, hast driven them to a nonplus.  Gra. 
Then make me of thy counsel, and take my advice, for i'll take no denial, I'll not leave thee till the next new Almanacs be out of date: let him threaten the sharpest weather he can, in Saint Swithin week, or it snow on our Lady's face, i'll not budge, i'll be thy midwife till thou be'st delivered of this passion.  Acut. 
Partake then, and give me the belief: thinkest thou or know'st thou any of this opinion, that, that moving marish element, that swells and swages as it please the moon, to be in bigness equal to that  lump that brings us up?  Gra. 
I was sure thou wert beyond the Antipodes: faith I am of that faith I was brought up in, I have heard my Father say, and i'm sure his Records came from his Father, that the Land and Sea are in nature thus much alike; the own grows by the Sun, the other by the Moon, both by God's blessing; and the Sea rather the greater, and so think I.  Acut. 
Good: there we have a farther scope, and hold the sea, can (as a looking glass) answer with a mere smile any moving shape upon the earth.  Gra. 
Nay, that's most certain, I have heard of Sea-horses, sea-calves, and Sea-monsters.  Acut. 
Oh, they are monstrous mad, merry wenches, and they are monsters Graccus, they call them Sea-maids or Mermaids singing sweetelye, but none dares trust them, and are very like our Land-wenches, devouring Serpents from the middle downward.  Acut. 
Thou hast even given me satisfaction: but hast thou this by proof?  Grac. 
Not by my travels (so God help me) marry i'll bring ye forty Sailors will swear they have seen them.  Acut. 
In truth!  Grac. 
In truth or otherwise.  Acu. 
Faith they are not unlike our land monsters, else why should this Maximilian Lord, for whom these shoots and noises befits thus, forsake his honours, to sing a Lullabye?  
These seeming Saints, alluring evils,  
That make earth Erebus, and mortals devils.  Gra. 
Come, thou art seasick, and will not be well at ease till thou hast ta'en a vomit, up with't.  Acu. 
Why i'faith I must, I can not sooth the world  
With velvet words, and oily flatteries,  
And kiss the sweaty feet of magnitude,  
To purchase smiles, or a dead man's office,  
I cannot hold to see a rib of man  
A moiety of itself, command the whole  
Bafful, and bend to muliebrity  
Of female scandals; observe, do but observe,  
Hear one walks o'ergrown in weeds of pride,  
The earth wants shape, to apply a simile,  
A body prisoned up with walls of wire,  
With bones of whales, somewhat allied to fish  
But from the waist declining, more lose doth hang,  
Then her wanton dangling lascivious lock  
That's whirled and blown with every lustful breath.  
Her neck in chains, all naked lies her breast,  
Her body lighter than the feathered crest.  
Another powtes and scoules, and hangs the lip,  
Even as the bankrupt credit of her husband,  
Cannot equal her with honours livery,  
What doth she care, if for to deck her brave,  
he's carried from a Gatehouse to his grave.  
Another in a railing pulppet key,  
Draws through her nose the accent of her voice,  
And in the presence of her good man Goat,  
Cries fie, now fie upon these wicked men.  
That use such beastly and inhuman talk:  
When being in private, all her studies warn,  
To make him enter into Capricorn.  
Another as she goes, treads a Canary pace,  
jets it so fine, and minces so demure,  
As mistress Bride upon her marriage day:  
Her heels are Cork, her body Atlas,  
Her Beauty bought, her soul an Atomus.  
Another with a spleen devoured face,  
Her eyes as hollow as Anatomy:  
Her tongue more venom than a Serpent's sting,  
Which when it wags within her chap-faln jaws,  
Is noise more horrid than a cry of hounds  
With open mouths, pursuing of their game,  
Wants she but rich attire or costly diet,  
With her the Devil can near live in quiet.  
Yet these are weaker vessels, heaven doth know,  
Lay on them ought but ease, you do them wrong:  
They are as weak as water, and indeed as strong,  
And then like mighty ships, when pellets sink,  
To them lay more men, she'll never shrink.  Bess. 
Mistress, that face wants a fresh Gloss.  Gent. 
Prithee dib it in well Bos.  Acut. 
Pigmaleon, Pigmaleon, I conjure thee appear,  
To work, to work, make more Marble Ingles,  
Nature, thou art a fool, Art is above thee:  
Belzebub, paint thy face, there's some will love thee.  Bos. 
Rare, Mistress, here's a cheek like a Chameleon or a blazing Star: you shall here me blaze it, here's two saucers sanguine in a sable field, pomegranate, a pure pendant, Ready to drop out of the stable, a pin and web argent in hair de Roy.  Grac. 
And a fools head in the Crest.  Bos. 
In the Crest? oh sweet Vermilion mistress! 'tis pity the Vermilion Worms should eat thee, i'll set it with precious stones and ye will.  Gent. 
Enough sweet Boss, throw a little water to spurt's face and let's away.  Bo. 
Hold up, so sir now away: oh Mistress your scantling, most sweet mistress most derydent star.  Acut. 
Then most rydent stars fair fall ye.  Grac. 
Nay sure 'tis the Moon herself, for there's her man and her Dog before.  Bosse. 
I sir, but the man is not in the moon, & my bushiss before me, ergo not at my back, et ergo, not moon sir.  Gent. 
What's your will sir?  Accut. 
That you would leave us.  Bess. 
Leave you, zounds sir, we scorn their companies, come, they are still, do not open to them, we have no Coneys to catch.  Acut. 
Away, keep no distance, even both together,  
For wit, ye may be Coached together.  
What sleek browde Saint can see this Idiotism,  
The shape and workmanship of omnipotency,  
To be so blind with drugs of beastliness,  
And will not bend the brow, and bite the lip,  
Trouble his quiet soul, with venom spleen,  
And fear least the all overseeer,  
Can without vengeance, see these ignomies.  Grac. 
Why therefore are they beloved like sergeant, and entertained like Beggars, thinkest thou but any honourable Gate but will be shut against these Butterflies?  Accut. 
Oh Graecus! thou beguil'st opinion,  
The Gates of great men stand more wide  
To entertain a fool, than Croesus' arms,  
To hug his Golden God: and faster bar  
Against necessity, then Dives entrance  
At Olympus' gate.  Enter Sernulas, Scillicet, Philantus and Boy. Sernu. 
Fa, la, sol, lasol: Boy a Glass;  Boy. 
'tis but one and all sir.  Acut. 
Angels protect us, what have we hear?  Boy. 
Ye have a good memory Sir, for they are five minutes ere windefall of your Glass.  Ser. 
Sir, be credible, 'tis balanced to be a superlative politic custom in these hours to dwell in shallow accoutrements, as a defence for the ability of his purse, from the infringed Oath of some impudent face, that will borrow a gentleman's revenues, if he be vestally adorned: I'll tell you sir, by this bright Horizon—  Scil. 
A word I pray ye sir ere ye go any further: Boy my Tables?  Boy. 
Your Tables are ready Sir, and all the men ye keep which is indeed half a Boy, Scillicet, Videlicet.  Scil. 
I pray ye let me request that oath of you.  Sern. 
A graceful inquiry, and well observed: Sir my company shall make ye copious of novelties, let your Tables befriend your memory: writ, by this bright Horizon.  Phy. 
Here's none but only I, sing: Boy, how lik'st thou my head of hair?  Boy. 
Your Glass may flatter ye, but truly I will not, your head is not a hair better than it should be.  Phy. 
Is there any scarcity of hair Boy?  Boy. 
Somewhat thin, and yet there is more hair then wit.  Phy: 
How Boy?  Boy. 
Then wit of man can number sir, take it i'th' right sense I pray ye.  Phy. 
Most ingenious!  Acu. 
O muffle, muffle good Graccûs, do not taint thy sense,  
With sight of these infectious animals,  
Lest reason in thee have the upper hand  
To govern sense, to see and shun the sight:  
Here's new discovered sins, past all the rest,  
Men strive by practice how to swear the best.  Scil. 
I have quoted it sir, by this bright Hore, whore son, pronounce ye sir.  Seru: 
Horizon  Scil: 
Horizon the widows mite Sir?  Sern. 
Not for the Sultan's crown sir.  Scil. 
Indeed ye shall, by this bright horizon ye shall, believe me if I swear, I think myself beholding, for I know it to be no common oath.  Seru. 
Were it common, it passed not these doors: Sir, I shift my oaths as I wash my hands, twice in the artificial day, for in dialoguising, 'tis to be observed, your sentences must ironically, metaphorically, and altogether figuratively mixed with your morning oaths.  Scil: 
Faith 'tis very true.  Accu. 
That he neither knows what he says, nor thou understandest.  Seru: 
As for example, by this illuminate welkin.  Scel: 
Oh excellent! it shall down to.  Accut. 
There's another Ducat, he utters his oaths apace.  
Sure this Villain has no soul, and for gold  
he'll dam his body too, he's at peace with hell,  
And brings his Merchandise from thence to sell.  Boy. 
I have here two Mistresses, but if the best were chosen out, if Poliphemus other eye were out, his choice might be as good as Argus' broad waking, so difficult is the difference.  Phy. 
Boy, sleep wayward thoughts.  Boy. 
Sir.  Phy. 
Is it not now most amiable and fair?  Boy. 
Yes sir God be praised.  Phy. 
What meanest thou Boy?  Boy. 
The weather sir.  Phy. 
I mean my hair and face Boy.  Boy: 
'tTwere amiable if it would not alter.  Phy. 
Wherefore, I often repair it.  Boy: 
Me thinks that should wear it the sooner.  Phy. 
Not so Boy, for to trim the Hair well, is a rare quality: to be rarely qualified is to be wise, apply Boy.  Boy. 
That you are wise in trimming your hair Master?  Phy. 
Right, to be wise is to be rare, for it is rare to see a wise man.  Boy. 
True Master: but if you'll see a fool look in your Glass master.  Phy. 
Go to, I must correct you Boy.  Boy 
You can correct no more than is your own, I am but half yours to command, if you steal away any part that is not your own, you are so far in danger as the striking of an other man's servant.  Phy: 
By this illuminate welkin most sincere and singular, as a small remembrance.  Seru, 
Not for to win the fair Angelica.  Scillicet: 
By this illuminate Welkin ye shall now.  Seru: 
Sir, I do not bestow it for that I think you have need of it, for if you had, by this bright Horizon I would not give it, for I know 'tis no credit to give to the poor, by this illuminate welkin, I have (since I took upon me this fleshy desire of a Gentleman) thrown out of a window for a huntsup, when I had as leaf have heard the grinding of a Mustard Mill, for those are things are here too day and gone to morrow: this will stick by a man, and do him credit where ere he goes.  Acut: 
I, when the fool is clad in clay,  
It will stick sore unto thy soul for aye.  Phy: 
signor Scillicet, I assure you I have discovered the most quaint and newfound device for the encounter of the Ladies at the interview, 'tis in pricksong.  Scil. 
That's excellent and rare.  Phi. 
I, for pricksong to Ladies is most pleasant and delightful, as thus for your congee, All hail to my beloved: then for your departure, sad despair doth drive me hence: for all must be to effect.  Grac. 
Nay, prithee raise no quarrels.  Acut. 
I can hold no longer, hear you sir, are not you a fool? and you an Ass? and you a knave?  Phy. 
zounds an Ass?  Scil. 
A Fool?  Ser. 
A Knave without respect?  Acut. 
I, for an Ass can bear, a Fool abide, and a Knave deserve:  Omn. 
Help, help!  Gra. 
Prithee let's away.  Acut. 
fools oftentimes brings wisemen to trouble, Farewell, another time i'll pay ye double. Exit.  Enter Host, Hostess, Host. 
Bring your Clubs out of doors, there go in my fine hosts, i'll talk to the proudest: what knaves are i'th' street, my door is my door, my house is my castle, go in dame Helena, let thine host alone with this: he that knocks at my hobby, while I have Ale in my house, shall pay for a Surgeon: the honest shall come in, the knaves shall go by: bring Clubs I say.  Scil. 
Nay sir, the hear is past, they that did it have took them to their heels, for indeed here are of us—  Host. 
Away with your Clubs then, welcome my brave Bullies, my Guests shall take no wrong, but welcome my Bullies.  Scil. 
Indeed sir I am a man of few words, I have put up a little blood shed, marry I hope it shall be no stain to my manhood, if I keep it out of my clothes.  Host. 
He shall pay for the bloodshed, my guests shall take no wrong: mine Host will spend his Cruse as frank as an Emperor: welcome my brave bullies.  Ser. 
Sir, be pacifical, the fellow was possessed with some critic frenzy, and we impute it to his madness.  Scil: 
Mad! by Gods slid if he were as mad as a weaver, I can hardly put it up: for my blow: I care not so much, but he called me fool: slid if I live till I die, the one of us shall prove it.  Host: 
Some profane Villain, i'll warrant him.  Scil. 
Do you think I may not have an action against him?  Host: 
There's so many swaggerers, but alas, how felye out?  Scil: 
By the welkin I gave him not a foul word: first he calls me fool, than he makes a full blow at my body, and if by good chance I had not warded it with my head, he might have spoiled me.  Enter Prentice's. Host. 
There, there, my fine fil-pots: give the word as you pass: anon anon sir, anon: here and there in the twinkling, look well to the bar, there again my little Mercuries, froth them up to the brim, and fill as 'tis needful: if their pates be full of Wine, let your Pottles be three quarters, trip and go, here and there: now any brave Lad wash thy wounds with good Wine: bid am welcome my little Sibyl: put sugar in his hole there, I must in to my guests, sleep sound till morning: Canary is a jewel, and a Fig for Browne-bastard. Exit.  Hosts. 
Gentlemen, ye are welcome, though my husband be a little talkative, yet truly he is an unreasonable honest man, ye shall find his words and his sayings all one.  Scil: 
I think no less, yet I would desire to enter as time and place shall serve.  Hosts: 
I'll lead the way forsooth.  Phy. 
Nay pray ye Hostess a word, I say little, but i'm sure I have sustained the most wrong; by this light, I had rather he had broke my head in three places, I pray you lend me a brush, he has put my hat quite out of fashion.  Host. 
That shall ye sir, a brush there ho!  Bos 
Salue, sis saluus, I pray ye which of you five is the Hostis of the house?  Boy: 
That's easily discerned, for four wear breeches.  Bos: 
Near the sooner for that my diminutive youth, for women now adays wear breeches as well as men, mary the difference lies in the bauble.  Hostis 
Well sir, to open the ttuth I am the Hostess.  Bos 
The fruit is known by the Tree at the first view, as the Author writes learnedly, come, basilus manus.  Scil. 
This kissing becomes a Gentleman, i'll use it suret  Bos: 
Secondly, Mistress Hostess, I would know what lodging ye have for my Lady and her train.  Hostis: 
What will serve your turn sir?  Bos 
I'll call myself to account and specify thus: my Lady and her Dog that's two visible: then there's the Dog and my Lady, that's four invisible: then there's my Lady's dog and I quoth the dog, that's six: then there's sequence of three, viz. the Dog and I and my Lady: then there's a pair of Knaves, viz the Dog & myself, & my Lady turned up: viz my Lady sequence of three: a pair of knaves, & my Lady turned up to play upon, we can have no less than five beds.  Hostis. 
Truly you must lie close together, (the Servants I mean) for I am so thrust with Guest I an hardly spare so many.  Bos 
Faith we'll lie together as close as we can: there's my Lady and her dog lie all together, and I at the bed's feet, and there's all our family of love.  Hostis: 
How far is your mistress behind?  Bos 
The truth is, the fatal sisters have cut the thread of her Corke-shoe, & she's stepped aside into a cobblers shop to take a true stitch, whether I mean to send myself as a Court of Guard to conduct her: but see, oh, inconstant fortune! see where she comes solus.  Gent, 
Bos, you serve me well to let me wait upon myself.  Bos. 
Of two evils the least is to be chosen, I had a care of your puppy being less than yourself.  Scil, 
Gentlewoman you have an excellent Ch: I have an appetite as a man would say.  Gent, 
What's your will sir?  Scil, 
Truth will to light, and the truth is, I have an appetite to kiss you.  Phil: 
This point would become a Gentleman sure, I pray who trimmed it so?  Gent, 
My man forsooth.  Fie, 
Sir, I desire your acquaintance, 'tis excellent rare.  Gent; 
You would have said so, had you seen it an hour since.  Ser. 
here's game for me,  
I hunt for fools, and have sprung a covey.  Hostis. 
Gentles, please you draw near? lead the way into the chambers.  Bos; 
Bos is the name of a thing may be seen, felt, heard, or understood, and the nominative case goes before, my Mistress the Verb, my mistress requires an accusative case to follow, as usus feminae promptus facit. Exeunt all but Hostis  Hostis; 
Oh fie upon't, who would be an hostis, & could do otherwise? Lady, as the most lascivious life, congees and kisses, the tire, the hood, the rabato, the lose bodied Gown, the pin in the hair, and every day change, when an Host must come and go at every man's pleasure: and what's a Lady more than another body? we have legs and hands, rolling eyes, hanging lips, sleek brows, & cherry cheeks, & other things as Ladies have, but the fashion carries it away. Prentices pass over.  Host; 
There, there my little Lackey boys, again, again, my fine fil-pots, where is my fine Host? come, come my little dido, set your corks on a creaking, my knaves are unthrifty, dance not your canaries, here, up & down, look about to my Guests I say.  Hostis: 
I, I have much joy, an Hostess!  Host. 
What, abides my Penenelope? here stand thy Ulysses, i'll tarry with thee still, thou shalt want for no cost, i'll buy thee a brave whistle, look about to my Guests I say.  Hostis. 
I, Hostesses will be known shortly as their Signs, still in one weatherbeaten suit, as though none wear hoods but Monks and Ladies: and feathers, but fore-horses, and Waiting Gentlewomen: or chains but prisoners and Courtiers: no Perywigges but Players and Pictures, but the weakest must to the wall still.  Host. 
Tush tush, these are toys, i'll none of these Flip-flaps, i'll have no ●oping, no puffs, nor no Cobwebs: no busks nor burbarrels: thou shalt wear thine own hair, & fine cloth of Sheepskins: thy colour shall be Dowlas, as white as a Lily: i'll kiss these chop-cheries, thou shalt go Gossip at Shrovetide, look about to my Guests then. Exit.  Hostis. 
I, 'twas my hard fortune to be an Hostess, time was I might have done otherwise.  Enter Citizens Wife. City w: 
Why how now Woman, a'th' old disease still? will it never be better? cannot a Woman find one kind man amongst twenty? ah the days: I have seen, when a Woman's will was a law: if I had had a mind to such a thing, or such a thing, I could have had it, but 'ttwas never better since men were Purse-bearers.  Hosty. 
Mine is e'en the unnaturallist man to his Wife  City wi: 
Truly, and commonly are all such fat men: i'll tell thee Gossip, I have buried six, I six husbands, but if I should live to have as many more, as I know not what may happen, but sure i'd never have such a fat man: they be the most unwieldy men, that women shall not want a sore stomach that's troubled with them I warrant her.  Hostis 
And he maintains me hear like I know not what.  City w. 
I, and what say, they are their wives head, well, if he be the head, she's the body, and the body is to bear the head, and the body is to bear the purse.  Hostis 
They cannot miss us, yet they regard us not.  City wife. 
Miss us! no faith, but would all women were of my mind, they call us the weaker vessels: they should find vessels of us, but no weak vessels I warrant them.  Pren. 
Mistress my Master, calls for ye.  Hostis. 
Go, i'll come anon, he's not so hasty to give me what I want I warrant ye,  City w. 
No, would he were, little thinks the husband what goes through the wives hand, washing, wring and rubbing, up early, down late, & a thousand things they look not too.  Hostis. 
And yet they must have the government of all.  City w. 
And great reason they have for it, but a wise man will put in a Woman's hand, what? she'll save that he spends.  Hostis 
You have a pretty Ruff, how deep is it?  City w. 
Nay this is but shallow, marry I have a Ruff is a quarter deep, measured by the yard.  Hostis 
Indeed by the yard!  City w. 
By the standard, you have a pretty set too: how big is the steel you set it with?  Hostis. 
As big as a reasonable sufficient—  Enter Apprentice. Pren. 
Mistress, my Master would desire you to come in.  City w. 
What? she shall not come yet, if you lay down the bucklers you lose the victory.  Hostis. 
By my troth I must go, we shall have such a coil else.  City w. 
A coil! why have you not a tongue in your head? faith if ye win not all at that weapon, ye are not worthy to be a Woman, you hear not the news abroad:  Hostis: 
No, what news?  City wife. 
No, I warrant ye, you never come abroad, this is to be troubled with a fat man, he never comes abroad himself, nor suffers his wife out of his sight: ye shall ever have a fat Host, either on his bench at the door, or in his chair in the chimney, & there he spits & spaules a room like twenty Tobacco takers, oh fie on them beasts.  Hostis. 
But I prithee what news?  City w. 
Oh woman! the most hard favoured news, and without all conscience, they say there's a statute made any woman that buries her husband, is not to marry again of two months after.  Hostis. 
A tedious time by Lady, a month were enough.  City w. 
I half a month, winter nights are long, and cold, i'll tell ye, I have buried six, and I thank my good fortune, I ever knew the next ere the other was in his winding sheet.  Pre. 
Mistress, my master is angry, and the Guests call for their Hostess.  Hostis. 
Go, I come, Gossip when shall I see you again?  City wi. 
Nay, when shall I see you abroad, seldom i'm sure.  Hostis 
I must needs away, God buy you Gossip.  City w. 
God buy ye, Gods so, I have forgot wherefore I came: a word ere you go, the party ye wot on commends him unto ye, he that met the other party in the white felt, the yellow scarf, and the round Venetian, when the other party kissed you, and I broke the jest on him: when he said, kisses kindeles Coals, and love searches.  Hostis. 
Oh! I remember him, yes faith, he's pretty well set: he has the right trick with the tongue in his kiss, and he dances reasonably comely, but he falls heavy.  City w. 
He savours of a kind of Gallant, but not of a Courtier.  Hostis 
Well, we'll have a night on't, god be with ye Gossip.  City wife. 
God buy ye. Exeunt  Enter Lentulus and Tully. Len. 
Not yours nor her own Terentia, yours in modesty Flavia,  
See Tully what an active passive love hath played,  
I love, and am again beloved, but at the shrine  
Where I do offer up my Cordial sacrifice,  
I am returned with peremptory scorn,  
And where I stand but as a gazer,  
Viewing all alike, I am pursued  
With violent passions a speaking eye  
Binds favours, and now discovering lines,  
Thy counsel now dear friend, for at  
Thy direction stands my thrall or freedom.  Tul. 
Oh my Lord, affection is unlimited,  
Daring all dangers, having nor type nor  
figure, but beyond all art,  
Then tie not that (great Lord) to Tully's awe,  
Fancy forswears all reason, love all law.  Lent. 
How well thy power can shun, that which  
I follow with obedience, too true i'faith,  
Thou mightst as well put out the eye of day,  
Or cover sin from heaven, or to erect  
A tower of sand, on the uncertain surge,  
Or any thing that were more inficient,  
Then to remove one doting thought of mine  
From her disdain, thy aid dear Tully.  
Be thou an Orratour for Lentulus,  
My tongue stands tuned to a harsher method,  
Breath in her ears those Organs of receipt,  
A quintessence distilled of honey words,  
And charm with a beguiling lullaby,  
Her free consent to thine and my request.  
Which done, that's done, which is my sole delight,  
Which done, that's done, that I can never quite.  Tull: 
All which to me are problematique mines,  
Obscured enigmas, and to my studies  
Incognite language: yet if my powers,  
Have power to  my tongue in love,  
I'll be a Lover, and in love so plead,  
As if that Tully loved Terentia.  Lent. 
Thanks sweet Cicero, this day we dine with old Flamivius,  
The forward Father of my Awkward love.  
His willing mind doth strive to make the peace,  
Betwixt our discord thoughts: his free consent  
Is given to Lentulus, there Tully taketh on hold,  
And when a Sun of thy intent shines fair,  
On set loves for't, with politic assaults,  
And conquer conquest in obtaining that,  
Where victors are repulsed: but see,  
Our talk hath overta'en our way, see old Flaminius  
Comes to welcome us,  
With him a look, look the bright orient verge,  
At the uprising of Aurora's shine.  Enter Flaminius, Terentia and Flavia. Flam. 
And my good Lord, you're happily met.  
Hearty welcome: young Tully welcome to, ye come well to ease my charge, these Ladies find fault with their Guardian, I go too softly for them: old blood is stiff, & young Ladies will not bear with age: I resign, I resign to you that follow.  Lent. 
If they admit us for their Guardian,  
we'll dare dangers ere we part from them.  Flam. 
Why well said my Lords, Soldiers will not fly indeed, I have seen the day I could have cracked a tree of yew, made my bowstring, whisper in mine care if they twang: tossed my pike lustily: 'tis since the siege of Parthia, byth' mass a great while, I was lusty then, at the service was done there, yet I love the discourse: come my Lord, I choose your company, leave Tully to the Ladies, he can tell them tales of Venus and Adonis, and that best pleaseth them. Now I must here of raps and blows, and Bills and Guns, and swords and bucklers: I loved it once, come, our Cooks are backward, discourse will beget stomachs, you're like to tarry long for lean Cates. Exit  Lent. 
Now gentle Tully, advocate my suit,  
Her fore-amazing person makes me mute.  Cicero. 
I'll bear these Lady's company,  
If they shall deem acceptance. Exit  Teren. 
With interest of thanks to Cicero,  Flau: 
Faith I like not this odds of female, an equality were better: yet of both 'ttwere fitter the woman should undergo the odds, I had rather a said three men to one woman, than two women to one man: here's Tully addressed to Terentia, Terentia drawing near to Tully: her's small comfot left for Flaevia, well gentles, i'll leave ye to the Goddess: so ho my Lords, take me with ye.  Teren. 
Nay, stay good Flavia,  
You'll not lose the sight of Lentulus.  Fla. 
Nor you of Tully, come if you tell, i'll blab.  Cice. 
But sweet Lady, Tully is not here.  Fla. 
But Cicero is, his near friend, that's as good.  Cice. 
He was Lady, till he changed his habit, by putting on the office of an unskilful Servingman, intending to guard Terentia to her father's house.  Fla. 
Then Flavia must guard herself: well, use good words, and good action, and stalk well before your Lady, she's kindey faith, and a litele thing will please her.  Terent. 
Will it please Flavia to partake?  Fla. 
Oh fie, 'ttwere an injury, I could brook myself therefore, i'll leave ye, but be brief, stand not on points, cut them all first, & if ye fall to kissing, kiss not to long for fear ye kiss the post. Exit  Teren. 
Go to, you'll still be a wag Flavia.  
But what says Tully to Terentia?  Cicero. 
Lady I must maintain my former argument,  
tully's not here, but here is Tully's friend,  
For ere I speak, I must entreat, you will  
Transform poor Tully into Lentulus.  Teren. 
I have no power of Metamorphosing,  
If Tully be not here, you must conceal,  
I cannot make of Tully Lentulus.  Cice. 
Nor can the world make Cicero so worthy,  
Yet for an hour discourse a Peasants shape,  
Nay represent the person of a king.  
Then in the person of great Lentulus,  
I do salute Sunne-bright Terentia,  
Lady, vouchsafe a Saintlike smile on him,  
From that angel form, whose honoured mind  
Lies prostrate lowly at terentia's feet,  
Who hath put off a Golden victor's honour,  
And left the Parthian spoil to Lepido,  
Whom many Ladies have bedecked with favours,  
Of rich esteem, oh proud! he deigned to wear them,  
Yet gifts and givers he did slight esteem.  
For why? the purpose of his thoughts were bend,  
To seek the love of fair Terentia.  
The choce is such, as choicer cannot be,  
Even with a nimble eye his virtues, through  
His smile is like the Meridian Sol,  
Discerned a dancing in the burbling brook:  
His frown outdares the Austerest face,  
Of war or Tyranny: to seize upon  
His shape might force the Virgin huntress  
With him for ever live a vestal life,  
His mind is virtues overmatcht, yet this & more  
Shall die, if this and more want force,  
To win the love of fair Terentia,  
Then gentle Lady, give a gentle doom,  
Never was breast the Landlord to a heart,  
More loving, faithful, or more loyal,  
Then is the breast of noble.  Teren: 
Tully.  Tul: 
Lentulus!  Ter. 
And why not Tully?  Tul. 
It stands not aptly.  Tere: 
It wants a sillible.  Tul. 
It doth.  Tere. 
Then noble Cicero.  Tul: 
That's too dear.  Tere. 
Gentle is as good,  
Then say the best of gentle Cicero.  Tul. 
Good Lady wrong not your honour so,  
To seat unworthy Tully with your worth,  
Oh look upon the worth of Lentulus,  
Let your fair hand be beam unto the balance,  
And with a stedded peyze, lift up that beam,  
In on the scale, put the worth of Lentulus  
His state, his honours, and his revenues,  
Against that heavy wait: put poverty,  
The poor and naked name of Cicero,  
A partner of unregarded Orators,  
Then shall you see with what celerity,  
One title of his worth will soon pull up,  
Poor Tully's dignity.  Tere: 
Just to the height of terentia's heart,  
Where I will keep and Character that name,  
And to that name my heart shall add that love,  
That shall weigh down the worth of Lentulus.  Tul: 
Dear Madam.  Ter. 
Speak still if thou wilt, but not for him,  
The more thou speakest, the more augments my love,  
If that thou canst add more to infinite,  
The more thou speakest, the more decreaseth his,  
If thou canst take away, aught from nothing,  
Think Tully, if Lentulus can love me,  
So much and more, Terentia doth love thee.  Tull: 
Oh Madam!  
Tully is poor, and poor is counted base.  Ter: 
Virtue is rich and blots a poor disgrace.  Tul. 
Lentulus is great, his frown's my woe,  
And of a friend he will become my foe.  Ter. 
As he is friend, we will entreat his love,  
As he is great, his threatenings shall not make me love.  Tul. 
Your father's grant, makes Lentulus your Lord,  Teren. 
But if thereto his daughter not accord,  
That grant is canceled, fathers may command,  
Life before love, for life to true love's pawned.  Tul: 
How will Flaminius brook my poverty?  Ter. 
Well, when Flaminius see's no remedy,  
Lord how woman like are men, when they are wooed?  
Tully, weigh me not light, near did immodest blush  
Colour these cheeks, but ardent.  Tul: 
Silence sweet Lady, here comes Flavia.  Fla. 
Fie, fie, how tedious ye are: yonder's great looking for Tully, the old Senate has put on his spectacles, and Lentulus and he are turning the leaves of a dog-hay, leaves of a worm eaten Chronicle, and they want Tully's judgement.  Tul: 
About what sweet Lady?  Fla: 
To know what year it was the showers of rain fell in April:  Tul: 
I can resolve it by rote Lady, 'twas that year the Cuckoo sung in May: another token Lady, there reigned in Rome a great Tyrant that year, and many Maids lost their heads for using flesh on Fish days.  Fl. 
And some were sacrificed as a  offering to the Gods of Hospitality, were they not?  Tul. 
You're a wag Flavia, but talk and you, must needs have a parting blow.  Flau. 
No matter so we stand out and close not.  Tull: 
Or part fair at the close and too it again.  Flau: 
Nay, if we should too it again Terentia would grow jealous.  Tul. 
Ladies, I take my leave,  
And my love.  Ter. 
Take heed ye sigh not, nor look red at the table Tully.  Flau. 
Your shoe wrings you Lady. Exit.  Ter. 
Go to, ye are a wanton Flavia.  Fla. 
How now Terentia, in your nine Muses?  
There's none must plead in your case but an Orator.  Ter. 
I want one indeed Wench, but thou hast two, and the gentle destinies may send thee three, near blush: for smoke and the fire of a woman's love cannot be hid. oh a fine tongue, dipped in Helicon, a comedian tongue is the only persuasive ornament to win a Lady, why his discourse is as pleasant—  Fla: 
As how I prithee?  Ter. 
And keeps as good decorum; his prologue with obedience to the skirt, a rough Scene of civil Wars, with a clapping conclusion, perhaps a jig, if not the tragicomical Tale of Mars and Venus, then must she take the Tale by the end, where he defending Mars, & she Venus, must fall from billing to biting, from biting to blows, to get the supremacy.  Fla: 
A good policy to praise Cicero,  
For fear I rob you of your Lentulus.  Ter. 
Faith a Soldier is not for thy humour, now I cry a Warrior, he fights stoutly in a field bed, discharges his work sure, under his Curtains would I fight, but come, our Lovers melt while we meditate; thou for thy scholar, I for my fouldier: and if we cannot please them so, we'll shake off this lose habit, and turn Pages to please their humours. Exeunt.  Enter Accutus and Graccus. Grac. 
Come Accutus, discharge your follower let's leave rubbing a while, since the by as runs so much the wrong way: Sirrah, these bowls which we roll and turn in our lower spher, are by use made wooden worldlings right for every one strives who shall lie nearest the mistress.  Ac. 
They post indeed, as their nature is, in an even way, but they are cowards, they'll abide no danger, they rub at every molehill, and if they tire in going up a hill, they retire and come back again.  Grac. 
Well, let them alley, bet all, then to rest, away, begun.  Scil. 
S foot Graccus, here's a couple of our old gamesters, oh for quick conceit to beget a jest: here's two that either a man must be acquainted or quarrel with, & of two evils i'll choose the latter, I hope to make it the lesser: if I should be acquainted, the fool will haunt me: if I quarrel, I may be so blessed as to be rid of a fool.  Grae. 
I have a woman's wit for a sudden stratagem.  Scil: 
No by my troth, by this bright horizon—  Enter Scil. and Sernulus. Accut. 
An excellent Cuckoo, he keeps his note in Winter.  Scil. 
I have no appetite at all to live in the country any more: now as they say, I have got a smack on the City, slid I think (as the proverb goes) I was wrapped in my mothers mock the day I was begotten, I thank the Goddess Cupid for it, I am so favoured of the Women, my hosts loves me execrably.  Accut: 
Good reason, fools make good sport.  Grac: 
Sever, sever, ere we be discovered.  Ser. 
Sir, the respective regard of your well governed parts do challenge a mellifluous species of enduement, or contumelious estimation.  Grac: 
Gentles, God save ye, well overtaken Gallants.  Scil. 
Welcome by the welkin.  Grac. 
'tis a very pleasant weather.  Ser. 
Sir, the air is frugal.  Grac. 
Is that Gentleman of your Company?  Scil. 
Our company sir, no, we are no companions for lame Soldiers.  Grac. 
proper man, pity he is so regardless: a good leg, it seems he has some grief in it.  Scil. 
Nay, and he be lame i'll talk to him, there's so many lusty knaves walks now a days, will not stick to give a man hard words, if he be not disposed to charity: hark ye sir, I understand ye are a proper man, and that you have a good leg.  Accut. 
And what of that Sir?  Scil. 
What of that? slid he answers me like a sturdy beggar already: by the five elements or senses; I ask ye for no hurt, i'd bestow my charity as frank as—  Acut. 
Stoop and look out, zounds a Gentleman cannot come by a misfortune in service or so, but every fool will ride him take that— Exit.  Gra. 
Sirrah, stay, i'll combat thee in his defence.  Seru. 
Sir, be pacifical, the impotent must be lightly regarded.  Grac. 
Give me leave Gentlemen, i'll follow him.  Scil. 
Nay, I pray you be malcontented, I have no great hurt: but in revenge he's a rascal for using me so, he may thank God, discretion governed me, 'tis well known I have always been a man of peace, i'll not strike ye the least mouse in anger, nor hurt the poorest Coney that goes in the street, for I know of fight comes quarreling, of quarreling comes brawling, and of brawling grows hard words, and as the learned puerelis writes, 'tis good sleeping in a whole skin.  Grac. 
Sir, your discretion shall govern me at this time, your name I pray ye sir?  Scil. 
My name is signor Scillicet.  Grac. 
Even so sir? nay sir, I do not forget your Argument.  Enter Accutus. Acut; 
Save ye sir, saw you not a Gentleman come this way even now, somewhat hurt in the one of his Legs?  Scil. 
He went by even now sir, is he a friend of yours?  Acu. 
A dear friend, and a proper Gentleman sir.  Scil. 
By the horizon he's a proper man indeed, he gave me the time of the day, as he went by: I have a gallon of wine for him at any time, If ye see any thing in me worth commendations, I pray ye commend me to him.  Acut. 
I will sir, 'ttwere best you gave me good words, but i'll try ye farther yet, far ye well sir.  Scil. 
I pray you remember me to him, you see my anger is over already.  Grac. 
Sir, I did not note ye, what fellow was that?  Scil. 
Sir, he's a friend of his, that struck me even now.  Grac. 
Would ye not strike him? let's follow.  Scil. 
Indeed ye shall not, I hate it.  Ser. 
I will not be barren of my armory, in my future perambulation for the lower element.  Grac. 
You are to patiented in wrongs sir, Zounds I know not how to pick a quarrel.  Serr. 
Sir, the grievous youth is inwardly possessed with a supple spirit, he can brook impugnying, but 'tis adverse to my spirit if I were armed.  Enter Accutus. Accut. 
Save ye gallants, saw ye not a fellow come halting this way of late?  Scil: 
Hath he done any hurt, or is he a friend of yours?  Accut. 
he's a Rascal, and i'll maintain him so.  Scil: 
he's a very Rascal indeed, and he used me like a knave: if ere I meet him I shall hardly put it up, I have it in black and blue to show here.  Serr, 
Say I breathe defiance to his front.  Acut: 
Challenge him the field.  Scil: 
Dost think he'll answer me? i'll challenge him at the pich-forke, or the Flail, or i'll wrestle a fall with him for a bloody nose, any weapon I have been brought up in, I'll—  Accut: 
What will ye? here he is, you minime that will be friend with friends, and foe with foes, and you that will defy Hercules, and outbrave Mars, and fears not the Devil, pass bladder, i'll make ye swell.  Scil: 
By Gods-lid if I had known it had been you, I would not have said so to your face. Exeunt  Accut: 
Away with your Champion, go.  Grac. 
This was excellently performed, i'faith a better breathing then a game at bowls.  Accut. 
they'll give you the good salve any time this month, for I am sure they have salving enough for so long.  Grac: 
I pity the fool i'faith, but the other Horseleech, I wish his blows trebled: I conversed with him, but a Rogue so stuffed with a library of new minited words, so tearing the sense, I never met with.  Accut. 
But now we have spoiled our determinate dinner at my hostess of the Hobbye, we shall now be known.  Grac: 
That holds well still, I am taken for a proved friend, and thou shalt be disguised till I have wrought a league by virtue of a pottle of Canary.  Acut: 
Content, mine Host shall be accessary, and i'll be a servitor to observe miracles.  Gra. 
They are good subjects for idle hours: but soft what second course is entering here?  Enter Phy. Bos and Boy. Phy. 
For I did but kiss her: Bos, how lik'st thou my relish?  Bos. 
Oh Sir, relish but your liquor as you do your song, you may go drunk to bed any day in the week.  Phy. 
Sister awake, close not, etc. does my face hold colour still?  Bos 
I, and you would but scaviage the pavilion of your nose.  Gra. 
I marry Accutus how lik'st thou this Gentlewoman Gallant?  Accut. 
A good states man, for common wealth of Brownists, the Rogue hates a Church like a Counter?  Gra. 
I, and if my Lady Argentile were dead, he would rather live upon alms than fall to work,  Accut. 
So: he might have toleration,  
What, shall close with them?  Gra. 
In any case, but in some mild embrace, for if we should continue thus rough, we should be shunned like an Appoplex.  Accut. 
Gallants, the fortune of the day runs with ye, what all at 〈◊〉 chance? how be't? how be't?  Phy. 
Sir, I think 'twas you bestowed some abuse of me other day.  Accu. 
Which I would wipe out of your memory with satisfaction of a double courtesy.  Phy. 
I accept it i'faith sir, I am not prone to anger, I assist ye the following night knew not my anger: your acquaintance signor.  Gra. 
Fie, without ceremony; let's yoke this triplicity as we did in the days of old, with mirth and melody.  Phy. 
I, say you so? then Coll her and clip her, & kiss her too, etc.  Bos 
The triplicity, here's those has sup: at an ordinary.  Accu. 
This gallant humours.  Gra. 
But the other walks a lose.  Bos 
The triplicity, here's those has cracked Glasses, & drawn blood of a Tapster.  Gra. 
The visitation of your hand sir.  Bos 
The Triplicity, will colours change?  Acut: 
Sir, take no offence I beseech ye, we gave only satisfaction for an old injury, but in the degree of amity yourself sits in the superlative.  Bos 
Not so sir, but in respect.  Gra. 
What kind is your Dog of Sir?  Bos: 
Very kind to any thing but his meat, that he devours with great alacrity.  Grac. 
Where was he bred?  Bos 
In a Bitch.  Gra. 
What country?  Bos 
A kind of Mongrel, he will carry, but not fetch, marry he is to be put to a dancing school for instruction.  Acut. 
The trick of the rope were excellent in him, & that i'll teach him if I miss not my mark: come Gallants, we waste time, the first Tavern we arrive at, we'll see the race of an hourglass.  Phy. 
Can ye a part in a Song?  Gra. 
Very tolerably.  Phy. 
we'll have a catch then, if with sol, sol, la: Gentlemen, have you any good herb? you have match boy,  Boy: 
Your pipe shall want no fire sir.  Acut: 
Oh without ceremony: now Graccus, if we can but pawn their senses in Sack and Sugar, let me alone to pursue the sequel.  Gra. 
Fellow it, away. Exeunt.  Enter Host, citizens wife, Scruulus and Scillicet. Hostis: 
Come, come, bring them out of the air: alas good hearts, what rogorous villain would commit with him? i'll tell ye Gosip, he's e'en as kind an animal, he would not wrong them i'faith.  City wife. 
Tush, fear nothing woman, I hope to make him so again: alack, alack, how fell you out, all at head? oh Butcher! are ye hurt in another place?  Hostis: 
Did he not throw you against the stones?  
If he did, do not conceal, I dare say you gave them not a foul word.  Scil. 
By the illuminate welkin not a word till my mouth was full of blood, and so made my words foul.  City wife. 
Is not this Gentleman hurt to?  Serr: 
Only the extravagant Artery of my arm is bruised.  City wi: 
See, see, the extravagant of his arm is bruised to, alas how could ye quarrel so?  Serr: 
I will demonstrate, in defence of the generous youth, I did appugne, my adverse let violently fly.  City wife: 
Ah good hearts! would I had stood between you when he let fly so violently.  Ser: 
We void of hostile arms.  Hostis 
I, if they had had horses, they had saved their arms.  Serr: 
Be capable, I mean, void of armory.  City wife: 
Until ye had had armour on.  Serr: 
Had I been accompanied with my Toledo, or morglay—  City wife: 
I, your Dog or Bitch:  Serr: 
Continue I beseech, I mean my sword, sole lie my sword:  City wife: 
Or solely your sword, better a bad tool than none at all.  Serr. 
In the concourse.  City w. 
Nay, the concourse will light on him for it I warrant.  Serr. 
I, for the tuition of my Capital, did mount my Semisphere three degrees, that as a strong & stony guard did defend my Capital.  City wi. 
'twas well ye kept him out, for if he had entered on your stony Guard, he would have spoiled your Capital.  Serr. 
In fine being mortally assailed, he did preambulate or walk off.  Scil: 
Yes faith, he did preambulate, and walk me finely.  City w 
Good hearts, how many were there of them?  Serr. 
About the number of seven.  Scil. 
I there was seven.  Serr. 
Or eight.  Scil. 
Or eight.  Serr. 
Rather more.  City w. 
I more at least I warrant ye.  Hostis. 
A lass ye cannot choose but be more hurt, but i'll search you thoroughly be assured.  City w: 
And if she cannot help ye, few can, she knows what belongs to a Tent or a bruise, and experience is good in those cases.  Serr. 
I have a concupiscent form of trust in your skill, it will malladise.  City wi. 
I fear not, put both your concupiscences in me for that matter.  Serr. 
The generous will disburse coinage for satisfaction of your metaphysical endeavour.  Scil. 
Yes, yes, I will discharge all.  City wife: 
We make no doubt of that, come into a chamber, ye shall lie down a while, perhaps you'll be stiff anon, than you shall use your legs, the more you strive with it, the better, alas good hearts. Exeunt  Phy. 
Sol, sol, la, Tapster, give attendance Gentlemen, I hope all we are friends, the welkin is sky colour still, and men must grow by degrees, you must pardon me, I must sp— speak my mind.  Grac: 
The uttermost of your mind at this time cannot be offensive.  Phy. 
The friar was in the sol, sol, draw the other quart, I hope you are not angry gallants? and ye come to my lodging, ye shall be welcome, my Hosts shall bid you welcome: she's a good wench, if I say the word, she will fa— full fill it.  Acut. 
Sirrah drawer, for the other that's a sleep, let him so remain: for the Dog let him be bound to a post for his appearance, till I take order for his undoing.  Draw. 
The fool and the Dog shall both take rest at your command Sir.  Phy. 
Gentlemen, I hope we are all friends, sol, sol, shall's have a catch?  Grac: 
I, come come, every one catch a part. Sing  Phy. 
hay good boys i'faith, now a three man's song, or the old down a down: well, things must be as they may, fills the other quart, muscadine with an egg is fine, there's a time for all things, bonos nocthus. Sleep  Grac. 
Good night to you sir.  Accut. 
So, now Graccus see, what a polluted lump,  
A deformed Chaos of unsteady earth  
Man is, being in this ill kind unmanned, seeming something  
Bestial man, brutish animal: well 'tis thus decreed  
He shall be what he seems, that's dead.  
For what in him shows life, but a breathing air,  
Which by a free constraint itself engenders  
In things without life: as twixt a pair of bellows  
We feel a forcible air, having of itself  
Force & being, no more is this breathing block,  
But for his use in kind: give out in some burse or congregation  
Among the multitude, Philantus death.  
Let all the customary rights of funeral,  
His knell or what else be solemnly observed,  
I'll take order for his winding sheet:  
And further, to furnish it with further surety,  
I'll have a potion, that for twenty hours,  
Shall quench the motion of his breath.  
Go, spread, let me alone to effect it.  Gra. 
I'll sow it I warrant thee, thou talk'st of burse, I have away worth ten on't, I'll first give it out in my Barber's shop, then at my ordinary, and that's as good as a broad: and as I cross Tiber, my waterman shall attach it, he'll send it away with the tide, then let it come out to an Oyster wenches ear, and she'll cry it up and down the streets.  Acut: 
Let's first secure him from eyes, and at night he shall be portered to our chamber: so, now away.  Grac. 
Oh a couple that would spread early, let's give it for loves sake.  Enter Host & Citizen's wife. Acut: 
Call, call,  Grac. 
Him, him.  Cittiy wife. 
A pox on your hemmings, do you think we care for your hemmings,  Hostis: 
'tis some stinking troublesome knave I warrant ye.  City wife: 
Hang him, regard him not, there's hemming indeed like a Cat, (God bless us) with a burr in her throat. Exeunt  Grac. 
S'hart, how we are ripped up for this?  Ac. 
Oh man, this hemming is the most hatefulst thing, there's not the most public punk, nor worm-eaten bawd that can abide it, and honesty would run mad to hear it, but come, we wast, time, 'tis now about the mid of day, we must sow arethmatike by the hours, that let the morrows height Philantus awake again, at which time he shall be on his Hearse, and all the Guests of the Hobbye invited to accompany his ghost, when being awake himself, and all shall see, if drunkenness be not mad mystery.  Grac. 
But I prithee practise some milder behaviour at the ordinary, be not all madman.  Acut. 
Push, i'll be all observative, and yet i'faith I grieve to see this double guarded age, all side coat, all fool, fie, thou keepest the sports from the mark, away, and retunre what news is now in progress.  Grac: 
I have the newest, Terentia Daughter to the old Senate, though Lentulus left the field to come to her, yet she hath forsaken him in the open field, and she's for our young Orator Tully, she has vowed by Venus' leg, and the little God of Love, he shall be her captain, she'll serve under him till death us departed, and thereto I plight thee my troth.  Acut. 
More Ladies Terentia's, I cry still,  
That prize a Saint before a Silken fool,  
She that loves true learning and pomp disdains,  
Treads on Tartarus, and Olympus gains.  Grac. 
I marry, but then would learning be in colours proud, proud, then would not four nobles purchase a benefice, two Sermons in a year.  Accut. 
I Graccus, now thou hitst the finger right,  
Upon the shoulder of Ingratitude:  
Thou hast clapped an action of flat felony  
Now ill be tied that partial judgement,  
That dooms a farmer's rich, adultus,  
to the supremacy of a deanery.  
When needy, yet true grounded Discipline,  
Is governed with a thread bare vicarage.  Grac. 
I, thou speakest well of their sides that are liberally overseen in the sciences, I take no hold on't, but were all men of thy mind, than would every Schoolmaster be a Senate, and there would never come Cobbler to be Constable again.  Accut. 
Enough, enough Graccus, let silence seal up  
Our secret thoughts, and liberty say,  
Virtus sola summa gloria,  
Quae format homines, vera honore. Exeunt  Enter Flaminius and Tully. Flam. 
Go to I say, urge no more, 'tis Tavern talk, for Taverners Table talk for all, the vomit of rumour: what news says one? none so new as this, Tully shall be married to Terentia: what news says another? the same, the same, whose consent have ye? not mine, I deny it, I must know of it, i'll have a hand, go to, no more.  Tul. 
Gentle sir,  
Lay not that leaden load of foul reproach,  
Upon so weak a prop, what's done is past recall,  
If aught is done, unfitting to be done,  
The worst is done, my life must answer it.  Flam. 
I, you shall answer it in the Senate house, the Emperor shall know it: if she be my child, I will rule her, i'll bridle her: i'll curb her: i'll rain her, if she will not, let her go, starve, beg. hang, draw, sink, swim she gets not a do it, a deneire, i'll not own her.  Tul. 
Reverend Sir be more patiented.  Flam. 
I am impatient: I am troubled: I am vexed: I am scoffed: I am pointed at: i'll not endure it: i'll not abide it: i'll be revenged, I will: of her: of you both: proud boy: wanton giglot, a spiring haughty, know your equals, she's not for ye, if ye persist, by my holy maker you shall answer it, look to it, you shall, you shall indeed.  Tull. 
I shall, I must, I will, I will indeed,  
Even to the greatest I will answer it:  
If great men's ears be  to innocency,  
If greatness be not partial with greatness,  
Even to the greatest I will answer it,  
Perhaps some shallow censurer will say,  
The Orator was proud, he would climb too high,  
But heaven and truth will say the contrary.  
My greatest grief is, I have my friend betrayed,  
The treason's done, I, and the Traitor's free,  
Yet innocent Treason needs not to flee,  
His loyalty bids me abide his frown,  
And he hath power to raise, or hurl me down.  Tere. 
What ails my Tully, wherefore look'st thou sad?  
What discontent hath stopped the crimson current  
Which ran so cheerfully within that brow,  
And makes it sullen like a standing pool?  
Tell me, who be't hath wrong my Cicero?  Tul. 
Oh wrong him not.  Tere. 
Who is it then that wrongs my Tully so?  
What hath Terentia ought offended thee?  
Dost thou recall thy former promises?  
Dost thou repent thee of—  Tul. 
Oh wrong me not.  Tere. 
What hath my Father done this injury?  
There, there, thy thoughts accord to say 'tis so,  
I will deny him then, he's not my father,  
he's not my friend will envy Cicero.  Tul. 
Wrong not thyself.  Teren. 
What heavy string dost thou divide upon?  
Wrong not him, wrong not me, wrong not thyself,  
Where didst thou learn that doleful mandrake's note,  
To kill the hearers? Tully,  
Canst thou not endure a little danger for my love?  
The fiery spleen of an angry Father,  
Who like a storm will soon consume itself,  
I have endured a thousand jarring hours,  
Since first he did mistrust my fancies aim:  
And will endure a thousand thousand more,  
If life or discord either live so long.  Tul. 
The like will I for sweet Terentia,  
Fear not, I have approved armour on,  
Will bide the brunt of popular reproach,  
Or whatsoever.  Ter. 
Enough Tully, we are discovered.  Fla. 
Ye faith, are ye at it? what is there never a loving tear shed on neither side? nor you? nor you? Tully's are read, come, come ye fools, be more brief, I would have buried three husbands before you'll be married.  Tul. 
Why lives Flavia a Virgin still?  Fla: 
Because I have vowed virginity till I can get a husband  Teren. 
Why Flavia you have many suitors.  Flau. 
Oh I am loaden with suitors: for indeed I am feign to bear with any of them, I have a dumb show of all their pictures, each has sent in his several shadow, and I swear I had rather have them then the substance of any of them.  Tul. 
Can you not describe them in action?  Flau. 
Yes, and their action: I have one honest man of the age of forty five or there about, that traverses his ground three mile every morning to speak to me, and when he is come; after the saluting ceremony of how do you Lady, he falls to calculating the nativity of the Moon, prognosticating what fair weather will follow, if it either snow or rain, sometime with a gentle pinch by the fingar, intermixed with the valley of sighs: he falls to discoursing of the prize of pease, and that is as pleasing to me as a stinking breath.  Tul. 
A good description.  Fla. 
Another brings Letters of commendation from the Constable of the Parish, or the Churchwarden, of his good behaviour and bringing up, how he could write and read written hand: further, desiring that his Father would request my Father that his Father's Son might marry my Father's Daughter, and he'll make her a jointer of a hundred pound a year, and beget three or four fools to boot.  Teren. 
Better and better.  Flau. 
Vsus promptus facit.  
Faemina ludificantur viros, well, forward,  Tul. 
I have another, that I prize dearer than the rest, a most sweet youth, and if the wind stand with him I can smell him half a mile ere he come at me, indeed he wears a Musk-cat, what call ye it about him?  Tul. 
What do you call it?  Flau: 
What ye will, but he smells better than  Rosemary, as well as a perfuming pan, and every night after his first sleep, writes lovesick sonnets, railing against left handed fortune his foe, that suffers his sweet heart to frown on him so.  Tul. 
Then it seems you grant him no favour.  Flau: 
Faith I dare not venture on him for fear he should be rotten: give me nature, not art.  Tere. 
Here comes Lord Lentulus.  Tul. 
Swift danger now ride post through this passage, health to your honour.  Len. 
And happiness to you.  Tul. 
'tis heaven dear Lord, but—  Lent. 
Tush, tush, on earth, come, come, I know your suit, 'tis granted sure what ere it be.  Tul. 
My suit craves death for treason to my friend.  Teren. 
The Traitor lives while I have breath to spend,  
Then let me die to satisfy your will.  Lent. 
Neither i'faith, kneel not, rise, rise, I pray  
You both confess you have offended me.  Both. 
We do, we have.  Lent. 
Then for this offence, be this your doom,  
Tully must die, but not till fates decree  
To cut your vital thread, or Terentia  
Find in her heart to be your Deathes-man?  Flau. 
Faith the Fates may do as they may, but Terentia will never find in her heart to kill him, she'll first bury him quick.  Len. 
The like is doomed to fair Terentai,  
How say you both, are ye content?  Tere. 
My thoughts are plunged in admiration.  Tul. 
But can your honour bury such a wrong?  Len. 
I can, I can, here Tully, take Terentia,  
Live many happy years in faithful love,  
This is no more than friendship's laws allow,  
Think me thyself another Cicero.  Flau: 
'tTwere better my Lord, you did persuade her to think you another Cicero, so you might claim some interest in her now and then.  Lent. 
That I would claim with you, fair Lady, hark in your ear, nay, I must conclude with you.  Flau: 
you'll not bite my Lord?  Len. 
No, of my faith my Lady.  Tere. 
Thus far my love, our hopes have good success,  
One storm more past, my griefs were much the less.  Tul. 
Friendship itself hath been more prodigal,  
Then a bold face could beg upon a friend.  Lent. 
Why then, there's a bargain.  Flau. 
Strike hands upon the same, I am yours to command.  
I'll love with ye, i'll lie with ye, i'll love with all my heart,  
With all my strength, with all my power and virtue:  
Sealed and delivered in the presence of us:  Lent. 
Marcus, Tullius, and Cicero.  
Then you deliver this as your act and deed?  Flau. 
I do, and seal it with this—  Lent. 
Why well said, 'tis done, see, we begin but now,  
And are as ready to go to Church as you:  
What needs further ceremony?  Flau. 
Yes, a little matrimony.  Lent. 
I Lady, come Tully and Terentia,  
One day shall shine on both our Nuptials,  
Fear not, i'll quench the fire of your Father's heat  
With my consent.  Flau. 
I prithee appoint the time.  Lent. 
About a week hence love.  Flau. 
Oh, 'tis too intolerable long.  Lent. 
Then four days.  Flau. 
Four days is four times four & twenty hours that's too long too.  Lent. 
We cannot sooner be ready:  Flau. 
Yes and unready too, in a day and a half.  Lent. 
Well then two days.  Flau. 
Till than we'll feed on conceit, Tully thank me but for your company, I would not tarry so long: come Tully since we shall be married all at one time, we'll go to bed so, and he shall be master of the Cockpit, that bids his Gossips first. Exeunt  Enter Acutus and Graccus. Acut. 
Nay quick Graccus, lest our hour forestall us, i'll in and deal for your disguise, tarry thou, & give mine host a share of our intent, marry charge him to keep it as secret as his Garbage. He undoes our drift and clothes the fool in sackcloth during his life.  Gra. 
I'll warrant thee i'll manage it with as good judgement as a Constable his charge.  Acut. 
And I mine as a watchman his office.  Gra. 
Better I hope: well about it. Exit.  Host. 
There, there, my little lackey boys, give the word as ye pass, look about to my guests there, score up at the Bar there; again, again my fine Mercuries; if you'll live in the faculty, be ruled by instructions: you must be eyed like a Sergeant, an ear like a Belfounder, your conscience a Schoolmaster, a knee like a Courtier: a fool like a Lackey, and a tongue like a Lawyere, away, away, my brave bullies: welcome sweet signor, I cannot bow to thy knee. I'm as stout & as stiff as a new made knight, but if I say the word mine Host bids the Cobbler—  Gra. 
May I crave a word of you mine Host?  Host. 
Thou shalt, whisper in mine ear, I will see and say little, what I say, duns the mouse & welcome my bullies.  Enter Scillicet and Getica. Scil. 
By the torrid zone (sweet heart) I have thought well of you ever since I loved ye, as a man would say (like a young dancer out of all measure) if it please you i'faith, any thing I have promised you, i'll perform it to a hair, ere to morrow night.  Get. 
I wonder I can hear no news of my man and my puppy.  Scil. 
Do you think sweet heart, to be married by day light or by torchlight.  Get. 
By night is more Ladylike, i'll have a crier to cry my puppy sure.  Scil. 
What think ye if we had an offering?  Get. 
That were most base i'faith.  Scil. 
Base, slid I cannot tell, if it were as base as a sag but i'll be sworn 'tis as common as a whore, 'tis even as common to see a Basin at the Church door as a box at a Playhouse.  Get. 
It grieves me not so much for my man, as for my puppy, my man can shift for himself, but my poor puppy, truly I think I must take Physic even for fear sweet heart.  Host. 
Tut, tut, I warrant thee, i'll be as close as a bawd, i'll keep mine own counsel, be merry and close, merry heart lives long, let my guests take no wrong, & welcome my bully. Exit.  Grac. 
There's none meant believe it sir.  Scil: 
signor, by the welk in well met, what, all three so luckily?  Enter Seruulus. Ser. 
Gallants, saving the Ceremony,  
Struck your hair up and admire, for swear sack.  Scil. 
Forswear Sack, slid not for the spending of two farms more, if they were come into my hands once,  Ser. 
I say be astonished, and forswear sack, for by the combustion influence of sack five men lie breathless, ready to be folded in the terrestial element.  Grac: 
Five slain with Sack, be't possible?  Ser. 
These eyes are testators.  Scil. 
Nay then 'tis so.  Getica: 
Sir, you have not heard of a puppy in your travels.  Grac: 
No, indeed, Gentlewoman.  Ser. 
Five believe me Sir.  Acu: 
Five of one, oh devil! what limb of him but a complete Villain,  
A tongue profaner than Idolatry:  
His eye a Beacon, fixed in his place:  
Discovering ills, but hood winked unto grace,  
Her heart a nest of vice, kept by the Devil,  
His good is none at all, his all, is evil,  Hostis; 
Oh the father, Gallants, yonder's the most hard favoured news walks the streets, seven men going to their graves that died with drinking and bisseling.  Acut. 
Good still, nay, than I see the devil has some power over a woman more than a man, seven! t'wll be more anon.  Get. 
Now I beseech Bacchus my puppy has not over seen himself.  Scil. 
This is very strange.  Hostis. 
And as true a report I assure you.  City wife: 
Out all as, where's my Gosip? oh woman! have you not heard the news?  Hostis 
Yes, I have heard on't.  City wife. 
Oh woman, did your child's child ever see the like, nine men to be buried too day, that drunk healths last night.  Acut: 
Better and better, goodness never mends so fast in the carrying: nine!  City wife. 
They say one is your guest Philantus,  Acut. 
And all I dare swear, whom i'll revive again  City wife 
Well, he was a proper man i'faith.  Hostis: 
I, and had good skill in pricksong, yet he had a fault in his humour, as none are without (but Puritans:) he would swear like an Elephant, and stamp and stare (God bless us) like a playhouse book-keeper, when the actors miss their entrance.  Scil. 
Nay hark ye sir, I can brook much injury, but not that, meddle with me, but not with my trade, she is mine own, she's meus, tuus, suus, no man's else, I assure ye we are sure together.  Grac. 
Sure ye are together sir, but is your wife, your trade? you mean to live upon your wife then.  Acut. 
The fool has some wit though his money be gone.  Grac. 
Sir, I hope ye are not offended, I assure ye would be loath to offend the least hair of your caput, sissiput, or occiput.  Scil. 
Occiput: what mean you by occiput?  Grac. 
The former part of your head.  Scil. 
The former part of your head, why I hope I have not an occiput, in the former part of my head, signor Sernulus, what means be by it?  Serr. 
The signification of the word only a mounts to this, the former part of your head.  Accut. 
The fool is jealous, prithee feed it.  Scil. 
'Slid I cannot be so sussified, I pray you signor what means he by occuput?  Grac: 
No hurt veriely, only, the word signifies, and the reason is (saith Varro) being a great deriver from originals it is called occiput, for that the former part of the head looks likest the Ox.  Scil: 
Likest the Ox, by gad, if ere I come to talk with that Varro, i'll make him show a better reason for it.  Grac. 
But howsoever, it proceeded from me all in kindness.  Scil: 
Sir, I accept it so, for I tell ye I am of a mollifying nature, I can strut, and again in kindness, I can suffer a man to break my head, and put it up without anger.  Accut. 
I claim that privilege sir, I think I offended you once that way.  Scil. 
I love ye then for it sir, yet I cannot remember that ever a Tapster broke my head, yet I call to mind I have broke many Tapster's heads.  Accut. 
Not as a Tapster, for I but borrow this habit.  Scil 
The fruit is known by the tree, by gad I knew by your aporn ye were a gentleman, but specially by your flat cap.  Serr. 
I call to memory, let us unite with kind embrace.  City wife. 
Now well far your hearts, by my truth 'tis joy to a woman, to see men kind, faith you courtiers are mad fellows, you care not in your humours to stab man or woman that stands in your way, but in the end your kindness appears.  Hostis. 
You can resolve us sir, we hear of great revels to be at Court shortly.  Grac. 
At the marriage of Lentulus, and the Orator: very true.  Hostis 
Might not a company of Wives be beholding to thee for places that would be there without their husband's knowledge if need were?  Grac. 
A moiety of friendship that, i'll place ye where ye shall sit and see all.  City wife: 
Sat, nay if there were but good standing, we care not.  Acu: 
'Sfoot Graccus we tarry too long I fear, the hour will over take us, tarry thou and invite the Guests, and I'll go see his course mounted.  Grac. 
About it.  Hostis. 
Whether goes that Gentleman?  Grac. 
About a needful trouble: this gentleman  
Hath at the charges of his charity,  
Prepared to inter, a friend of his,  
Though lately entertained a friend of yours.  
Acquaintance to you all, Philantus: and would desire  
You would with him accompany his ghost  
To funeral, which will be presently on his journey.  City wife. 
Of his charge, died he not able to purchase a Winding sheet?  Grac. 
'tTwere sin to wrong the dead, you shall hear the inventory of his pocket.  
Inprimis, A brush and a Comb. o o u.d. Item, a looking Glass. o o i. d.ob. Item, A case of Tobacco Pipes. o o iiij. d. Item, Tobacco half an ounz. o o vj. d Item, in money and gold. o o iij. d Summa totalis. nineteen. d. half penny.  Hostis. 
What was his suit worth?  Grac: 
His suit was cold, because not his own, and the owner caused it to be restored as part of recompense, having lost the principal.  Acut: 
What, are they ready: the Corpse is on his journey hitherwards.  Grac. 
Tush, two women's tongues give as loud report as a camp royal of double cannons.  Enter Host, Cornutus. Host. 
Tut, tut, thou art welcome, Cornutus is my neighbour, I love him as myself, thou'st a shrew to thy wife, gave her tongue to much string, but let mine Host give thee counsel, he'll teach thee a remedy.  Cornu. 
No, no, my good Host, mum, mum, no words against my wife, she's mine own, one flesh & one blood, I shall feel her hurt, her tongue is her own, so are her hands, mum, mum, no words against your wife.  Host. 
Tut, tut, thou art a fool, keep her close from the pothecary, let her taste of no liquorice, 'twill make her long wound: no plums, nor no parseneps, no pears, nor no Popperins, she'll dream in her sleep then, let her live upon Hasels, give her nuts for her diet while a toothe's in her head: give her cheese for digestion: 'twil make her short wound, if that will not serve, set fire to the pan, and blow her up with Gunpowder.  City wife 
I, I, mine Host, you are well employed to give a man counsel against his wife, they are apt enough to ill I warrant ye.  Cornu: 
Mum, mum, my sweet wife, I know the world well enough, I have an ear, but I hear not: an eye, but I see not: what's spoke against thee, I regard not: mum, mum, I know the world well enough.  City wife. 
I, and 'ttwere more seemly you were at your own house too, your wife cannot go abroad but you must follow, husbands must be fringed to their wives Petticoats, I pray you tarry you, i'll go home.  Cor. 
Not so my sweet wife, I am gone, I am vanished, mum, mum, no anger shall stir thee, no words, I know the world well enough.  Hostis. 
'tTwere better by thrice deuce-ace in a week every woman could awe her husband so well as she.  Gracc. 
be't possible, 'sfoot well, I thought it had been but a fable all this while, that jole should make great Hercules spit on his thumbs, & spin, but now I see, if a man were as great as Caesar, julius, or Augustus, or both in one, a woman may take him down.  Hostis 
Gossip, faith i'll use a little of your counsel, but my husband is so fat, I fear I shall never bring him to it.  Grac. 
Now gentles, you that can prepare a few tears to shed, for now enters a sad scene of sorrow.  Enter Friar and course. Friar. 
Man is flesh, and flesh is frail,  
The strongest man at length must fail,  
Man is flesh, and flesh is grass,  
Consuming time as in a glass.  
Now is up, and now is down,  
And is not purchased by a Crown.  
Now seed, and now we are sown,  
Now we whither, now are mown,  
Frater noster here doth lie,  
In panpertate he did die.  
And now is gone his viam longam,  
That leads unto his requiem aeternam  
But dying needy, poor and bare,  
Wanting to discharge the Friar,  
Unto his grave, he's like to pass,  
Having neither Dirge nor Mass.  
So set forward, let him go,  
Et benedicamus Domino.  Phy. 
And then to Apollo, hollo trees, hollo, Tapster a few more clothes to my feet.  Omnes 
Oh heavens!  Acut. 
Gentles, keep your places, fear nothing: in the name of God what art thou?  Phy. 
My Hearse and winding sheet: what means this? why Gentles I am a living man.  Acut: 
Spirit thou liest, thou deludest us.  City wife: 
Conjure him Friar.  Friar. 
In nomino Domini, I thee charge,  
Respond mihi here at large.  
Cuium pecus whence thou art:  
Et quam obrem, thou makest us start,  
In spiritus of the gloomy night?  
Qui Venis huc us to affright  
Per trinitatem I there charge thee,  
Quid tu vis hic to tell to me.  Phy. 
Why gentles, I am a living man Philantus, what instance shall I give ye? hear me, I have sight, understanding, I know mine hosts, I see that Gentlewoman, I can feel.  Scil. 
Feel this Gentlewoman! s'ild if ye were ten Ghosts, i'll not endure it.  Acut. 
Spirit thou deludest us.  Phy. 
Why, what should I say? will ye hsare my voice, here's none but—  Scil. 
Nay, that's a lie, then 'tis a living spirit, i'll have about with him.  Accut. 
Oh sir, meddle not with shadows, spirit thou liest,  
I saw thee dead, so did many more:  
We know ye wandering dwellers in the dark,  
Have power to shape you like mortality,  
To beguile the simple, & deceive their souls,  
Thou art a Devil.  Phy. 
Sweet Gent, behold I am flesh and blood, here's my flesh feel it.  City wife 
By my troth methinks he should be alive, I could find in my heart to feel his flesh.  Grac. 
Try with your Rapier Accutus, if he bleed he lives.  Phy. 
If I bleed I die, sweet Gentlemen draw no blood.  Accu. 
How shall we know thou art flesh and blood then?  Grac: 
Take heed Accutus he'll blast thee.  Phy. 
What instance shall I give ye? I am Phylantus, he that must needs confess he was drunk in your companies last day, sweet Gentlemen conceive me aright.  Accut. 
Why true, true, that we know, and those swilling bowels,  
Death did arrest thee, many saw thee dead,  
Else needles were these rites of funerals,  
And since that time till now, no breath was known.  
Fly from you: and twenty times the hourglass,  
Hath turned his upside down: and twenty times  
The nimble current sand hath left his upper room,  
To lie beneath, since spark of life appeared,  
In all which time, my care employed itself,  
To give the rights of burial: now if you live,  
Who so glad as I?  Phy. 
Sir, your love hath shown itself abundant, but the cold air is a means to divorce me from your companies: mine host let me crave passage to my chamber.  Host: 
Out of my doors knave, thou interest not my doors, I have no chalk in my house, my posts shall not be guarded with a little sing song, si nihil attuleris ibis Homere foras.  Accut. 
Ha, how now man? seest now any errors?  
Nay, this is no thing: he hath but shown  
A pattern in himself, what thou shalt find  
In others: search through the Globe of earth  
If there 'mongst twenty, two thou dost find  
Honester than himself, i'll be buried strait,  
Now think what shame 'tis to be wild,  
And how wild to be drunk: look round, where?  
Nay look up, behold you Crystal palace,  
There sits an ubiquitary judge,  
From whom arcana nulla abscondita.  
That see's all and at pleasure punisheth,  
Thou canst not scape scot free, how canst thou?  
Why senseless man, in that, sin will betray  
His father, brother, nay, him himself: fears not  
To commit the worst of evils: secure, if  
Thunder bolts should drop from heaven, dreading  
Nor heaven nor hell: indeed hss best state  
Is worse than least, prised at highest rate.  Ser. 
This critic is hoarsh, unsavoury, and reproofeful, avoid him.  Scil. 
He speaks well, but I like not his dispraising of drunkenness: 'tis Physic to me, and it makes me to sleep like a good horse, with my nose in the manger, come sweet heart.  Hostis 
signor Philantus I pray ye a word. Exit  Acut. 
How now, whispering? 'sfoot if they should give our purpose another cross point, where are we then? note, note.  Hostis, 
Hear take the key, convey yourself into the Chamber, but in any case take heed my husband see you not.  Phy. 
Fear not: gentles, be thanks the guerdon of your love, till time give better ability, Exit.  Acut: 
Ha! nay 'sfoot, I must claw out another device: we must not part so, Graccus prithee keep the scene till I fetch more actors to fill it fuller.  Gra. 
But prithee let me partake.  Acut: 
Not till I return, pardon me, Exit  Hostis 
By my troth gossip I am half sick of a conceit  Cittiy wife. 
What woman? passion of my heart, tell me your grief?  Hostis 
I shall go to court now, and attired like an old Darie woman, a Ruff, holland of eight groats, three inches-deepe of the old cut, and a hat as far out of fashion as a close placket.  City wife. 
Why I hope your husband is able to maintain you better: are there not nights as well as days? does he not sleep some times? has he no pockets about him? cannot you search his breeches? any thing you find in his breeches is your own.  Hostis 
But may a woman do that with safety?  City wife. 
I and more, why should she not? why what is his is yours, what's yours, your own:  Hostis 
The best hope I have is, you know my Guest Mistress Gettica, she has pawned her jewels to me already, and this night I look for her Hood, and her tire, or if the worst chance, I know I can entreat her to wear my clothes, and let me go in her attire to Court.  City wife. 
Or if all fail, you may hire a good suit at a jews: or at a brokers, 'tis a common thing and specially among the common sort.  Enter Host and Constable. Host. 
To search through my house, I have no Varlets no knaves, no stewed prunes, no she fiery phagies, my Chambers are swept, my sinks are all scoured, the honest shall come in, the knaves shall go by, yet will I master Constable, go search through my house, I care not a sheeps skin.  Const. 
We are compelled to do it mine host, a Gentleman is robbed last night, & we are to search every privy corner.  Host. 
Mine host is true metal, a man of reputation, a true Holofernes, he loves juice of grapes, and welcome master Constable. Exit  Acut. 
Graccus, how lik'st thou this?  Grac. 
Excellent, for now must he needs fall into the Constable's hands: and if he have any grace, 'twil appear in his face, when he shall be carried through the street in a white sheet 'twill be a good penance for his fault.  Hostis. 
Now fortune favour that my husband find him not  City wife. 
he'll be horn mad, & never able to endure it: why woman if he have but as much man in him as a Marrowbone, he'll take the burden upon his own neck, and never discover you  Host 
Alas here they come, let's away Gossip. Exeunt.  Gra. 
Fortune my foe, why dost, etc.  Acut: 
Oh fie, that's bitter, pray the go comfort him.  Grac. 
Faith he should be innocent by his garment: signor, I grieve for this, but if I can help, look for it.  Phy. 
I thank ye sir.  Const. 
We must contaminate our office, pray regard us as little as ye can. Exit  Accut. 
Me thinks this should put him quite out of tune: now so, let him go, now to mine Host, there's he, and he, and he, there's she, and she, i'll have about with all: & critics, honnies sweetest, mixed with gall. Exeunt  Enter Host Cornutus. Host; 
Go to, there's knaves in my house, I know of no Varlets, I have an eye has his sense, a brain that can reach, I have been called Politician, my wife is my wife, I am her top, i'm her head: if mine Host say the word, the Mouse shall be dun.  Corn. 
Not so my sweet Host, mum, mum, no words against your wife, he that means to live quiet, to sleep in clean sheets, a Pillow under his head, his diet dressed cteanely, mum, mum, no words against his wife.  Host, 
thou'rt a fool, thou'rt a fool, be ruled by mine host, show thyself a brave man of the true seed of Troy; a gallant Agamemnon, thou'st a shrew to thy wife, if she cross thy brave humours, kick thy heel at her huckle bone.  Enter Accutus. Acut. 
Gentles, most happily encountered, how good hap hath turned two labours into one, I was addressed to both, and at once have met both, sure I must entreat that you must not deny.  Host. 
Say on my sweet bully, mine Host will attend thee, speak roundly to the purpose and welcome my bully.  Accut. 
Marry thus: there are are great revels & shows prepared to beautify the nuptials of Lentulus and Tully, in which the Citizens have the least share, now would but you and some others that I shall collect, join hands with me in some quaint jest,  
Our show shall deserve grace, and brave the rest.  Host. 
I have thee brave spirit, thou'rt of the true seed of Troy, let's be merry and wise, merry hearts live long mine Host, my brave Host with his neighbour Cornutus shall be two of the Maskers, and the Morris shall be danced,  Cor: 
Not so mine Host, I dare not do so, 'twill destemper my wife, my house will be unquiet, mum, mum, I know the world well enough.  Host. 
Thou shalt go says mine Host, merry hearts live long, welcome bully, mine Host shall make one, so shall my Cornutus, for if I say the word the mouse shall be dun. Enter Bos with Porters.  Porters. 
Save ye mine Host, here's a parcel of Corn was directed to be delivered at your house.  Host: 
What ware my little Atlas, what ware is it?  2. Por: 
I know not, but i'm sure 'tis as heavy as a horse and—  1 Por: 
I think 'tis a barrel of oil, for it spurged at my back.  Bos 
It was oil, for I drew the Tap.  Grac. 
What Bos, what mak'st thou here?  Acc: 
Oh charadeum soboles magnum bovis increm entum! Bos art there there?  Bos: 
As sure as you are there signor.  Grac: 
Bos, will ye not forsake your cabin?  Bos 
Oh sir, he that has not a tiled house must be glad of a thatched house: may I crave a suit of you signor?  Grac: 
What suit Bos?  Bos 
What you please, beggars must not choose.  Accut. 
Bos is grown mystical, he's too dark.  Bos 
I speak hebrew indeed like Adam and Eve, before they fell to spinning: not a rag.  Grac. 
What, naked Bos?  Bos 
As ye see, will ye hear my suit signor?  Gra: 
Drunk & his clothes stolen, what thief would do it?  Bos: 
Any thief sir, but no true man.  Gra. 
Well Bos, to obtain a suit at my hands, and to do some penance for your fault, you shall here maintain an argument in the defence of drunkenness: mine Host shall hear it i'll be your oppoment, Acutus moderator: wilt thou do it.  Host: 
A mad merry prig, all good spirits, wilt thou do it Bos?  Bos. 
I'll do't.  Grac. 
Seat ye, here's my place, now Bos propound.  Bos. 
Drunkenness is a virtue.  Gra: 
Your proof.  Bos. 
Good drink is full of virtue,  
Now full of good drink is drunk,  
Erge, to be drunk is to be virtuous.  Grac. 
I deny it, good drink is full of vice,  
Drink takes away the senses,  
Man that is senseless is vicious,  
Ergo, good drink is full of vice.  Bos 
I deny it still, good drink makes good blood,  
Good blood needs no Barber,  
Ergo, 'tis good to drink good drink.  Accu. 
He holds ye hard Graccus.  Bos. 
here's stronger proof, drunkenness engenders with two of the moral virtues, and six of the liberal sciences.  Gra. 
Let him prove that and I'll yield.  Host: 
A mad spirit i'faith.  Bos. 
A drunkard is valiant and liberal, he'll outface Mars, brave Hercules, and fears not the Devil, then for the most part he's liberal, for he'll give all the clothes off his back, though he weep like a Widow all the day following: nay, for the sciences, he's a good physician he vomits himself rarely, and will give any man else a vomit that looks on him (if he have not a very good stomach) perfect in Geomitrie, for he hangs in the air by his own conceit, and feels no ground: and he's all musical, the world turns round with him, every face in the painted cloth shows like a Fairy dancing about him, and every spar in the house a minstrel.  Grac: 
Good: forward.  Bos 
Then he's a good Lawyer, for he's never without a fiery fancies, & the least Capias will take his habeas Corpus: beside, another point of a Lawyere, he'll rail and rave against his dearest friends, and make the world think they are enemies, when the next day they'll laugh, be fat and drunk together: and a rare Astronomer, for he has stars twinkling in his eyes, in the darkest night, when a wise man discerns none in the firmament, and will take great pains in the practice: for lay him on his back in the open fields overnight, and you shall be sure to find him there in the morning: have I said well, or shall I give you a stronger proof? an honest man will be as good as his word: signor Graccus is an honest man, Ergo I must have a new suit.  Accu: 
The moderator concludes so, Graccus is overthrown so far as the damage of a suit, so away with him, come, our fire will out, strip us, mine Host and you we expect your companies, we must crave absence a while, better to furnish our purposes: the time of the day to ye.  Host. 
Farewell my good bullies, mine Host has said & the mouse is dun.  Enter the dumb show of the marriage, Lentulus, Tully, and the rest. Enter Host in Getticaes apparel, Getic. in hers, & Mistress Dama. Hostis. 
Come Gossip, by my troth I cannot keep my hood in frame.  City wife. 
Let me help ye woman.  Get. 
Sir, we shall be troublesome to ye.  Gra: 
Oh urge not that I pray ye.  Get. 
I pray ye what show will be here to night? I have seen the Baboons already, the City of new Niniveh, and julius Caesar acted by the Mammets.  Grac. 
Oh gentlewoman, those are shows for those places they are used in, marry here you must expect some rare device as Diana bathing herself, being discovered or occulated, by Actaeon, he was tranfigured to a hart, & wearied to death with his own dogs.  Cit w. 
That's pretty in good truth, & must Diana be naked?  Gra. 
Oh of necessity, if it be that show.  Hostis. 
And Actaeon too? that's pretty i'faith.  Enter Caesar, Lent. Tully, Teren, Flavia. Caes. 
Now gallant Bridegrooms, and your lovely Brides,  
That have ingeminate, in endless league,  
Your troth-plight hearts in your nuptial vows,  
Tied true love knots, that nothing can dissolve,  
Till death that meager pursuivant of jove,  
That Cancels all bonds: we are to cloudy,  
My spirit a-tiptoe nothing I could chid so much,  
As winged time that 'gins to free a passage,  
To his turrent glass, and crops our daylight  
That misty night will summon us to rest,  
Before we feel the burden of our eyelids.  
The time is tedious, wants variety,  
But that I may show what delightful raptures,  
Combats my soul, to see this union,  
And with what boundless joy I do embrace it,  
We here command all prison gates fly ,  
Freeing all prisoners, (traitors all except,  
That poor men's prayers may increase our days,  
And writers circled ye with wreaths of bays.  Grac. 
'Sfoot Accutus lets lay hold of this, to free our captive.  Acu: 
Content; i'll prosecute it.  Tul. 
Dread sovereign, heaven witness with me,  
With what bended spirit I have attained  
This height of happiness: and how unwillingly,  
Till heavens decree, terentia's love, and your  
Fair consents, did meet in one, to make  
Me Lord thereof: nor shall it add one scruple,  
Of high thought to my lowly mind.  
Tully is Tully, parentage poor, the best,  
An Orator, but equal with the least.  Lent. 
Oh no doubt Accutus, be the attempt,  
My peril, his royal promise is passed  
In that behalf: my sovereign, this Gentleman's  
Request, takes hold upon your gatious promise,  
For the releasement of a prisoner.  Caes. 
My promise is irrevocable, take it: but what is he and the quality of his fault?  Acut: 
A gentleman, may it please your grace, his fault suspicion, and most likely innocent.  Caes. 
He hath freedom, and I prithee let him be brought hither  
Perhaps in his presence we shall win some smiles,  
For I have noted oft in a simple brain  
(Only striving to excel itself)  
Hath corrupted language that hath turned  
To pleasant laughter, in judicious ears;  
Such may this prove, for now me thinks  
Each minute, wanting sport doth feeme  
As long and tedious, as a fever: but who doth know  
The true condition of this Accutus?  Tully: 
My Liege, of him something my knowledge,  
Can discover, his spirit is free as air,  
His temper temperate, if oughtst uneeven,  
His spleen ways down lenity: but how  
Stirred by reproof, and then he's bitter, and like  
His name, Acute, vice to him is a foul eyesore.  
And could he stifle it in bitterest words, he would,  
And who so offends, to him is parallel,  
He will as soon reprove the Cedar state,  
As the low shrub. Enter Acut. and Philant.  Phy. 
Nay good Accutus let me not enter the presence:  Accut. 
Oh sir, I assure you your presence will be more acceptable in the presence at this time, than a far richer present: May it please your majesty, this is the man.  Caes. 
Let him stand forward.  Cit w. 
Alas we shall see nothing, would I were near now he stands forwards.  City wife. 
What qualities hath he Accutus?  Accut. 
Few good ones (may it please you) he handles a comb well, a brush better, and will drink Down a Dutchman, & has good skill in pricksong.  Hostis. 
I, i'll be sworn, he had when he was my Guest,  Acut: 
Please it your Majesty to command him?  Caes. 
Oh, we can no otherwise so well be pleased.  Phy. 
I beseech your Majesty, I cannot sing.  Tul. 
Nay, your denial will breed but greater expectation of your skill.  Acut. 
I, I, please it your grace to hear? now he gins.  Phy. 
My love can sing no other song, but still complains I did her. etc. I beseech your Majesty to let me go.  Caes: 
With all our heart, Acutus give him liberty.  Accut. 
Go, and for voice sake ye shall sing Ballads in the suburbs, and if ever hereafter ye chance to purchase a suit by what your friends shall leave ye, or the credit of your friend, be not drunk again, & give him hard words for his labour. Exit  Caes: 
What, be't effected Graccus?  Gra. 
I have wrought the fool, Scilicet comes alone, & his Lady keeps the women company.  Accu. 
Tush, we'll have a room scantly furnished with lights that shall further it.  Caes: 
What sound is that?  Acut: 
I, would ye so feign enter? i'll further it: please it your Majesty to accept what is not worth acceptance? here are a company to Gratulate these nuptials, have prepared a show, I fear not worth the sight, if you shall deem to give them the beholding of it.  Caes. 
Else should we wrong their kindness much: Accutus, be it your care to give them kindest welcome, we cannot recompense their loves without much behold.  Acut. 
Now for the cunning vizarding of them, & 'tis done.  Hostis: 
Now we shall behold the shows.  Get 
Actaeon and his Dogs I pray jupiter.  Enter the mask and the Song, 
chant birds in every bush  
The Blackbird and the Thrush  
The chirping Nightingale.  
The Mavis and Wagtaile,  
The Linnet and the Lark  
Oh how they begin, hark, hark!  Scil: 
'Slid there's one bird I do not like her voice.  Sing again & Exeunt. Hostis. 
By my troth me thought one should be my husband, I could even discern his voice through his vizard.  City wife: 
And truly by his head one should be mine.  Get: 
And surely by his ears one should be my sweet heart.  Caes. 
Accutus, you have deserved much of our love,  
But might we not break the law of sport so far,  
As to know to whom our thanks is due,  
By seeing them unmasked, and the reason of their habits?  Acut: 
Most willingly my Sovereign, i'll cause their return.  Hostis. 
Oh excellent! now we shall see them unmasked. Exit  Get. 
In troth I had good hope the foremost had been Actaeon when I saw his horns.  Cit wif. 
Sure the middlemost was my husband, see if he have not a wen in his forehead.  Enter Masker's Host: 
God bless thee noble Caesar, & all these brave bridegrooms with their fine little dydoppers, that look before they sleep to throw away their maiden heads: I am host of the Hobby, Cornut is my neighbour, but we'll pull of his bopeeper, thou'lt know me by my nose, I am a mad merry grig, come to make thy grace laugh, sir Scillicet my guest, all true canaries that love juice of grapes, god bless thy Majesty.  Acut. 
How now mine Host?  Host. 
Ha, ha, I spy a jest, ha ha, Cornutus, Cornutus.  Acut. 
Nay mine host, here's a moat in your eye to.  Scil: 
'Slid I hope they have not served me so: by the torrid you're an ass, a flat Ass, but the best is I know who did it, 'twas either you or some body else, for I was in no company of mankind else, by gad I remember it as well as if it were done now.  Host: 
Tou shalt answer it to my liege, i'll not be so misused, ye have a wrong element, there's fire in my face, we'll mount and ascend.  
I'm misusd the mad comrades have played the knaves,  
justice my brave Caesar.  Accut. 
I'll answer ye mine Host: pardon great Caesar,  
The intent was merriment, the reason this:  
A true brow bends, to see good things amiss,  
Men turned to beasts, and such are you mine Host  
See you this, this represents a beast,  
That cannot see his shame, & such are you mine Host.  
I'll show you else, you are a Goat, look here!  
Now come you, this is yours, you know it, do you not?  
How old are you? are you not a Goat now?  
Shall I teach thee how to use a wife and keep her?  
In the rank of goodness link her to thy soul,  
Divide not individium, be her and she thee,  
Keep her from the Serpent, let her not Gad  
To every Gossip's congregation,  
For there is blushing modesty laid out,  
And a free rain to sensual turpitude,  
Given out at length and libidinous acts,  
Free chat, each giving counsel and censure.  
Capream maritum facere, such art thou Goat,  
Be not so secure: and you my grand Cornutus,  
Thou Ram, thou seest thy shame a penthouse  
To thy eyebrows: dost not glory in it, dost?  
Thou'lt lie in a Trucklebed, at thy wives bed feet,  
And let her go a Gossipping while thou sweepest the ktchin,  
Look, she shall witnesses against thee.  Corn: 
My wife there? I must be gone then.  Acut. 
Oh fie, betray not thyself so grossly.  Cor. 
I Pray ye pardon me.  Accut: 
I dare not.  Cor: 
I sir, but afterward may come after claps,  
I know the world well enough.  Accut. 
Mischief of the Devil, be man not all beast, do not lie,— both sheets do not.  Cit w: 
I warrant this fellow has as many eyes as a Lamprey, he could never see so far into the world else.  Accu. 
And thou pure ass, mere ass, thy ears become thee well i'faith  Scil. 
I think you meant to make a Musician of me, you furnish me with a good ear.  Accut. 
Thou deserudst it, thou'lt make thyself a cuckold be it but for company sake, thou hast long ears, and thinkest them horns, thy conceits cuckolds thee, thou art jealous if thou seest thy wives— With another man's palm.  
And fool, thy state in that sense is the best: thou art clasped with simplicity, (a great badge of honesty) for she poor fool has pawned her clothes to redeem thy unthriftiness: be jealous no more, unless thou'lt wear thine ears still, for all shall be well and you shall have your puppy again.  Get. 
Shall I? by my troth I shall be beholding to you then.  Acu: 
Now to ye all, be firmaments to stars,  
Be stars to Firmaments, and as you are  
Splendent, so be fixed, not wandering, nor  
Irregular, both keeping course together,  
Shine not in pride, and gorgeous attire,  
When clouds do fail, the pole where thou art fixed.  
Obey, cherish, honour, be kind enough,  
But let them wear no changeable stuff,  
Keep them, as shall become your state,  
Comely, and to creep ere they go.  
Let them partake your joys, and weep with you,  
Curl not the snarls that dwell upon these brows,  
In all things be you kind of all enough,  
But let them wear no changeable stuff.  Host: 
Fore God a mad spirit.  Hostis 
Will ye believe, what such a biscuit brained fellow as this says? he has a mouth like a double cannon, the report will be heard all o'er the town.  City wife: 
I warrant he ran mad for love, because no good face could endure the sight of him, and ever since he rails against women like a hot shot.  Len. 
Nay, nay, we must have all friends.  
jarring discords are no marriage music,  
Throw not Hymen in a cuckstoole, dimple  
Your furrowed brows, since all but mirth was meant,  
Let us not then conclude in discontent.  
Say, shall we all in friendly strain  
Measure our paces to bedward?  Tul. 
Will Terentia follow?  Teren: 
If Tully be her Leader.  Host: 
Good bloods, good spirits, let me answer for all, none speak but mine Host, he has his polls and his aedypols, his times and his tricks, his quirks and his quilits, and his demise and dimensions, God bless thee Noble Caesar, and all these brave spirits, I am Host of the Hobby, Cornutus is my neighbour: Graccus a mad spirit, Accutus is my friend, Sir Scillicet is my guest, all mad comrades of the true seed of troy, that love juice of Grapes: we are all true friends, merry hearts live long, let the Pipers strike up i'll dance my cinquepace, cut a fit my brave capers, whirl about my toe, do my tricks above ground, i'll kiss my sweet hostess, make a courtesy to thy grace, God bless thy Majesty, and the Mouse shall be dun.  Cor: 
Come wife, will you dance?  Wife: 
I'll not dance I, must you come to the Court to have horns set on your head? I could have done that at home.  Host: 
I, I, be ruled at this time, what, for one merry day we'll find a whole moon at midsummer.  Dance. Caes. 
Gentles, we thank ye all, the night hath spent his youth, and drowsy Morpheus bids us battle,  
We will defy him still, we'll keep him out  
While we have power to do it, sound your loudest noise,  
Set forward to our chamber.  Gra. 
Advance your light.  Caes. 
Good rest to all.  Omn. 
God give your grace God night. Exeunt  
FINIS