THE Smoking Age, OR, The man in the mist: WITH The life and death of Tobacco.  
Dedicated  
To those three renowned and imparalleled Heroes, Captain WHIFF, Captain PIPE, and Captain SNUFFE.  
To whom the Author wisheth as much content, as this Smoking Age can afford them.  
Divided into three Sections.  

1. The Birth of Tobacco.  
2. PLUTO'S blessing to Tobacco.  
3. TIMES complaint against Tobacco.   Satis mi●…ipauci lectores, satis est unus, satis est Nullus. 
Upon TOBACCO.  

This some affirm, yet yield I not to that,  
'Twill make a fat man lean, a lean man fat,  
But this I'm sure (howsoever it be they mean)  
That many whiffs will make a fat man lean.   
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  
At the Sign of Teare-Nose.  
M. D. CXVII.   

Upon the Erratas.  
The Author's absence, with the intricacy of this copy, caused these Escapes here committed, to be so many. But no wonder, if Subjects of this Nature become subject to Error, when they tre●… of so giddy an humour, as Liquor and Vapour. Correct them, as you shall meet them, with a consorious candour.  
PAg. 12. lin. 22. for abilished, read abolished. p. 24. l. 8. for priv●…tion, read privation. p. 53. l. 6. for Ference, r. Terence. p. 6●…. l. 20. for you, r. him. p. 66. l. 7. for Flap dragon, r. Slap-dragon. p. 76. l. 1. to deleatur. p. 78. l. 14. of suppleatur. p. 79. l. 23. for defy, r. define. p. 103. l. 24 for Celphalgia, r. Cephalgia. p. 104. l. 2. beg suppleatur. p. 111. l. 15. for though, r. thought. p. 118. l. 8. for either r. ever. ib. l. 22. for stop, r. s●…eepe. p. 121. l. ●…lt. for intricatest, r. intimatest. p. 135. l. 11. for and, r. one. p. 138. l. 1. for artificial, r. artificially. p. 141. l. 19 for Sotary, r. Votary. ib. l. 22. for ears, r. years. p. 142. l. 3. for bath, r. have▪ p. 143. l. 15. an suppleatu●…. ib. l. ul●…. ●…or resembrance, r. resemblance. p. 147. l. 26. for at, r. as. p. 150. l. 9 for Sole●…ysims, r. Soloecis●…es. ib. l. 6. for word-joyning, r. word▪ coining. ib. l. 23. for legatum, r. l●…gatum. p. 166. l. 8. for of. r. to. p. 178. l. 22. for diet, r. riet.   

To My Learned, judicious, and most experienced friend, T. C. Doctor of Physic: All success to his conscionable endeavours.  
Sonnet.  

TO you, in whom knowledge & goodness meet,  
Whose ends are honest, and whose sole content  
Is to revive your heartsick patient,  
In humblest sort, as Clients use to greet  
Their pious Patrons, do I make retreat:  
To whom I owe myself, my life, my love,  
My praise, my prayers, next to the Powers above.   

The high Physician, in whose glorious hand  
The globes of Heaven and Earth contained are,  
Give blessing to your cure, cure to your care,  
Prosper your practice both by sea and land,  
And give success to what you understand:  
For in you I have found, what's rare to find,  
A curious knowledge in a virtuous mind.   

For th'artless Mounteb anke, whose cure's to care  
How to deceive a Gull, so much I hate it,  
I wish but execution of the Statute,  
To such penurious ventures of base ware,  
Who, as Hypocrates relateth, dare  
Purchase, by Patient's death, a little art,  
Which they by piece-meal sell at every Mart.   

For you, so long as life runs through these veins,  
I will retain a grateful memory,  
And blaze the fame of your integrity  
●…n such a●… these, or in some choicer strains,  
To gratify your care, your cure, your pains:  
For if we honour him that gives us wealth,  
What owe we him that gives us life and health?  
" For had I treasure offered, I'd refuse it,  
" Wanting the sovereign means of health to use it.   
EUCAPNUS NEPENTHIACUS, NEAPOLITANUS.   

To my worthy approved and judicious Friend, Alexander Riggby Esquire, all generous content.  

ASsumpsits are Law-ties in Courts above,  
So be Assumpsits in respect of Love;  
This hath induced me, Sir, to render you,  
Near to my day, a tender of my due.  
For in Gants aged-towne last time we met,  
I promised you, and promises are debt,  
To publish some choice subject in your name,  
And in this Toy have I performed the same;  
Which, give't no pleasing relish to your mind,  
It shall by fire be purged and refined,  
Where by the airy substance of my book,  
May be resolved to nothing else but smoke,  
But how so sore this Subject you approve,  
It acts his life and death that many love;  
So a●…, be you but pleased to see his death,  
Next time we meet we'll laugh him out a breath:  
Mean while accept this gage, till I have time  
To mould my love in an exacter line.  
For th' Court, where now my suit depending is,  
Hath forced me write in forma pauperis;  
From whence dismissed, your equal self shall hear  
My Muse can mount unto an higher Sphere.   
Yours entirely, EUCAPNUS NEPENTHIACUS, NEAPOLITANUS.   

The Stationer to the Reader.  
THis Manuscript falling into my hand, for the deserving esteem of the Author, whose name it bore, I communicated it to the serious perusal of sundry judicious Censors, who highly approved the curious conceit and invention of the Author: who composed it (as he hath since ingenuously acknowledged) in his infancy of judgement, which made him altogether averse from publishing it. Howsoever the subject seem light, you shall find it like a delightful soil, so plenteously intervened with pregnant passages, pleasant allusions, liberal and unforced relations, as I make little doubt, but it will afford a pleasing relish to any one's palate, who through Criticism of censure is not prejudicated. Read, reap, and return.   

To Whomsoever, whensoever, or wheresoever.  
SOme few years ago, one Boraccio Fumiganto, a Burmudan, made repair unto me; and upon discourse of the plantation of Tobacco, entreated me upon all terms of love and familiarity betwixt us, that I would address my pen to treat of that Subject; being, as ●…e very truly affirmed, a principal help to discourse, especially to our young English Gallants, whose first salutation to their acquaintance is, Will you take a pipe of Tobacco? But my answer was no less roughly than roundly returned, replying, that Alexander Severus would have smoked such sellers of smoke, and Xerxes would have pulled their skin over their ears; if these smoky Merchants, being such as this Burmudan was, had vended, or vented those commodities in their time. With this answer, my fuming Fumiganto seemed much discontented, taxing me of prejudicacie, in condemning a Science (for so this Factor termed it) which was not only hugged but honoured by our hopeful Gentry; whose desire was rather to be matriculated in the exquisite taking of a Pipe, than in the tossing of a Pike; in a quiffe and a quaff, than shaking of a staff. Presently upon this affront, came in a Trinidadan with a Varinan, who desi ou●… to hear what Subject it was that made us so hot, I replied, it was Tobacco, the very fume whereof, as it doth ever, had driven us to that distemper. O insolence, or rather impudence, quoth the Trinidadan! shall a weed, the wealth of many islands, and the delight of the Queen of islands, receive that aspersion? tellme, tellme (quoth he) thou professed Mamothrept to all generous humours, how should long and lingri●…g hou●…es be consumed, how should discourse, wanting matter, be continued, how should entertainment or the life of society be preserved, how should hospitality now shown not so much in the ●…himney, is in the nose of the Gentry, he discovered? Nay more, how should some Companies be maintained, if this sovereign receipt to all maladies, were not countenanced? What Companies, said I? Marry the Company of Pipe-makers, Sirrah Stoic; whereof one Brachifort, who is no small Fool, hath procured a benefit, to enhance the rints of his pate by the rents of the pipe, and smoke them who made Pipes for others smoke. Is it possible, quoth I? Yes, my cringing Critic (said the Varinan) that it is, and yet you disesteem our quality. Besides, I hear, quoth he, that one Aestivus Nepenthiacus, a grand Monopolist, and a judicious Practist in his profession, hath of late renounced his practice, wherein he was a right hopeful beginner, to betake himself to the plantation of Tobacco; wherein I will not justify his trial of experiments, being for the most part more deceiving than thriving; but sure I am hi●… artificial Stoves, Limbecks, 〈◊〉, and other artful inventions, have proved him a dogmatical Doctor in his profession. Whereto I answered, that indeed I had heard of his rare experiments, but how little Nepenthiacus had gained by them, might appear by this, that as he had formerly left his Profession, so now of late he was enforced to leave his nation, to work wonders among the wild Irish. Where report was, he intended to remain till he had reduced all those bogs and marshes to plots of Tobacco; so beneficial is he to the State, though prejudicial to himself. This, quoth the Trinidadan, may be all easily done, if he exactly observe his geometrical ascents & descents, which by his mathematical line, which he hath always in readiness, with all facility may be attained. For in that glory of islands, wherein I have long time remained, works of greater difficulty than this have been effected: but to insist on any of these I will not, because they would seem incredible to the shallow and barren apprehension of the vulgar: yet to make instance of one for all, I hold it not altogether fruitless. I have seen the seeds of Tobacco sown in a bed of gourds, and in a months space the whole bed of gourds were into leaves of Tobacco changed. Where at smiling, I have read (quoth I) all Ovid's Metamorphosis, and I find there no such transmutation. No marvel (answered he) those were fictions, these true and native relations: beside, you are to know that travelers in their surveys, assume a privilege above the authority of Authors. Traversing thus our ground, as one cloyed with this discourse, I had a desire to leave them to themselves, and address myself to mine own affairs; but Boraccio Fumiganto, my familiar friend, and one who had more interest in me than the other two, st●…pt betwixt ●…ee and the door, conjuring me upon that inviolable league of amity so long professed & protested, that I would rest satisfied by giving way to their entreaty; promising withal, that my travel should not be unrequited, if I would prosecute some thing touching the praiseworthy invention of Tobacco, which they with such importunity desired: But modestly, as seemed me, did I answer: that my labours, as they deserved no such courtesy, so did I ever scorn they should be mercenary: beside, if I should give way to their request by publishing aught concerning the singular use of that commodity, yet might my Task seem useless, the oil of my Lamp fruitless, being employed in that Subject so much pressed, so frequently printed, and therefore needless. Whereat the Varinan seemed much incensed, vowing, that many years were not past since he first set foot in this I'll, how then could it appear that any Author would do him that favour, being no English-borne but a stranger, to undertake for the vent of his commodity any labour? To which objection I replied, that the English were ever courteous unto strangers, many times approving better of them, than of their own natural inhabitants. And whereas, he could not be induced to believe that any Author would address his pen to write in his favour: I assured him, that I had read the Titles of diverse books treating of the use and commerce of Tobacco; as the Poem of that English Musaeus, 〈◊〉, Tobacco battered. Likewise, another pleasant poetical Paradox in the praise of the P. wherein is learnedly proved, and by impregnable reasons evinced, that Tobacco is the only sovereign experimental cure, not only for the Neapolitan itch, but generally for all maladies incident to man's body. Which discourse is with no less exactness prosecuted, than Rodolphus Agricola's was in his tract of the Vanity of knowledge; Cornelius Agrippa in his discourse of the Uncertainty of knowledge; or Erasmus in his so much admired Encomion in the Praise of folly. Besides many other judicious relations of late years published by our English Navigators, all tending to the praise of that excellent knowledge in the plantation of Tobacco: and those exquisite effects which in foreign countries it hath effected. So as the Herb Moli, so highly prized and praised by Homer, could not be more useful to the wandering Ithacus, in repelling the charms of Circe, than this Indian weed hath been ever by their reports powerful to the traveling Arabs, to enure them to all extremity. What then should Tasks of this nature be any more revived, seeing so generous and general an use of it hath made it approved? so as, whoseever should write against it, might have more adversaries to oppose him; than he had reasons through his whole discourse to allege for him. Yea but, replied the Trinidadan, for all this, it is not unknown how the Emperor Eudorus hath diverse times inhibited this to all his Courtiers: yea, and long since, so bitterly inveyed against the humorous and fantastic use thereof▪ as publicly all those great Professors, who formerly did partake of nature with the S●…lamander, to show how conformable they would be to the opinion of their Empero●…r, broke their Tobacco-pipes, to manifest their distaste of what they so violently had affected, by throwing away those instruments by which their smoke was usually conveyed. All this, said I, i●… no less than truth; yet, h●…w long did th●… distaste continue? Did not th●…se brave Tindarian spirits quickly retai●…e what they had so seemingly disclaimed? So as, no meat can be well digested (so powerful is custom being once retained) till a pipe of Tobacco be exhaled, ●…ea some times a whole Petoun of Indian f●…me ●…e exhausted. For howsoever, to please the Emper●…ur, whose prince●…y ●…nd impartial censure without respect to impost, seem 〈◊〉 of your profession a little bitter, their pipes were battered, their Tobacco scattered, and this late introduced relic of Gentility cashered; yet by means of a meager Matachin, o●…e Samius Argilloplastes, they were shortly supplied, wheresoever, or whomsoever this pleasing humour had disfurnished. Since which time, both Court and City have no less steemed with your fume, my dear Trinidadan, than the Academy, that golden grove of Hesp●…rie, with your late-knowne smoke my Varinan, or the Country, that Court-Ape of vanity, with your vulgar stuff, my stale Burmudan. What Academy, said the Varinan? Sure I am, if you mean either of those two Sisters, whose renown our very Coast admireth, and whose unequalled parity those Countries who never saw them affecteth, you err much in your judgement; for the Masters and Governors of private houses, (this I dare avouch upon mine own knowledge) are such cautelous Guides and Guardians ●…ver that Charge wherein they stand interessed, as they cannot endure the smell of this Indian Hag, for so they term it, to evaporate within their Cloisters. So as, being one time there (whereby you shall easily gather how ignorant these sage Magnificoes were in the artful profession of the pipe) it was my fortune to consort with a jovial fri●… of young Pupils, all Freshmen save one or two, who had received seasoning from the Pump for their absurdities. With whom having traversed two or three pipes of rich Varina, with some bottles from Fons. Clitonius which procured Vrina, just as we were canvasing a fresh pipe, in cometh a Senior Master, Tutor (as I afterwards understood) to those lively Lads with whom I consorted; who seeing the chamber all in a fume, grew into a monstrou●…●…ume himself, so as taking up some odd pipes which lay scattered upon the Table, I will henceforth (quoth he) prevent you Boys of your piping; and with that, he threw all their pipes into the fire, intending to burn them; and so he might, but not as he meant; for his purpose was to consume them. At this conceited tale of the Varinan, after we had a little space laughed, I replied; that such ignorance was now from the Academics wholly exiled: for the grea●…est and gravest Students well perceived, that long study would dull and rebate the understanding, being by no external receipt cheered. Upon which speech, all these three Antagonists with joint force, made towards me, reassailing me with new reasons to undertake the defence of their Trade, objecting, how by mine own mouth they would condemnè me, if they could not now at last after many persuasions; prevail with me. For (said they) you confess the City, Court, Country: Yea, the Treasury of all knowledge, even the Academies affect, it, and will you in a Stoic reluctancy oppose it? Besides this, you have sundry affectionate Allies, all Agents of happy employment and hopeful improvement, who since their plantation in Tortouga have dealt in this commodity, to their profit and succeeding memory, which may be an irresistible motive to induce it. To which powerful objections I a little relented, yet so, as I expressly told them, I would not much insist upon their conveniencies or inconvenience of their trade, being of late time enured to dangerous sophistication, having known by report of an experienced Chemic, diverse ounces of Quicksilver extracted from one pound of Tobacco: but to discourse of the Life and Death of Tobacco; as first of his birth and education; secondly of his Planting and Propagation, I should do my endeavour: Whereto they all jointly consented; upon which consent I addressed my pen to this ensuing Tract here presented.   

THE SMOKING AGE. OR, The Life and Death of TOBACCO.  
IN Tartary (I read) not far from the Burmudoes, there dwelled a rich Hander, whose name was Nepenthes: enriched he was with all the best of temporal fortunes; and to make his blessings more consummate, with a chaste and continent wife, called Vsque●…aughin. yet that he might acknowledge, there was nothing in this interins of man's life so absolute, which was not sometimes attended with crosses, or at least, all●…yed▪ to make human frailty confess a more sovereign power: he tasted (one distaste) in the overflow of his fortunes, which was, want of children. Much he had, and great possessions was he master of: but who should be his heir he knew not, being bereft (of that only one of human blessings, hope of issue. Long had he now lived with his virtuous wife, when behold he was made happy in hope, though the event answered not his expectation so fully as he imagined, and thus it fell out. These two good Inhabitants dwelling near to the sea, they used now and then to walk upon the sea shore, not only to refresh themselves with the cool temperature of the air, but in mere compassion to entertain (such shipwrecked souls as destitute of hope or means, were thrown upon that coast▪ it chanced that an Apothecary of the Burmudoes, (intending to go into Hoemonia where the best and soveraignest herbs, plants, soots, and Aromotaries are said to be) he was intercepted by Pirates, who rifling him of that poor estate he had, threw him over shipboard: but see what refuge he found in the ocean? The Polype fish (which naturally loveth sweet savours, & is exceedingly delighted with perfumes or any fragrant smell, taking this Apothecary in her nose, presently approaches him, and swallows him (for he was but a little dapper knave) quite down. The poor Apothecary thus imprisoned, yet not quite bereft of sense, but to know where he was, remembers himself, recollects his spirits, & with an expert and successive hand, tries this conclusion; he called ●…o mind how he had some purging Comsits about him, for (he being costive in his body, used them upon all occasions:) these he ministers to the fish, which she no sooner had received, then, as the Scolopendra is said to avoid her very entrails, till she has rid herself of the hook, so she purged backward and forward: sick she was, and heartsick of the Apothecary, and in great extremity, till delivered of him: for any man may judge, if one pill had such extreme force, what force was he of that ministered these pills? Not far from the bank side, was this poor Apothecary set at liberty: when behold, he begins now to wrestle with a second death: the billows of the sea menacing ruin; the whirlepits gaping to devour him; little hope or none is left him; for there's no Purge in all his Boxes will save him. The poor man thus distressed, though to die hardly resolved, yet he sees no remedy, to die he must be enforced; and surely had died, if these two compassionate Islanders, that ever were priest and addressed to pity others miseries, had not rescued him. A little Cockboat being tied to the shoare-side, (though unfit to endure any rough tempest,) Nepenthes unlooseth and in mere compassion (though in this adventure he hazarded himself, and was much dissuaded by his wife to the contrary) yet sets he forth towards him, and by the sudden calmness of the tempests intimating, that the gods themselves were pleased with a work of that merit, he takes him up into his Boat, and brings him with a mutual joy, in safety to the shore. The Apothecary as yet amazed with his new-past danger, and as one new come out of a trance, thinking these two Islanders had been Neptune and Tethis his Queen, and no mortal creatures, made this druggary speech unto them following. 
The Apothecary's speech.   
BRAVE and puissant Neptune, and you sacred Queen of the nine Isles, Lady majoress of the great Ocean, Governess of the lower Elements, Commandress of all the skaly generation, from the Sea-horse to the Sea-mouse, Umpiresse of all differences in this watery region, &c: may a poor shipwrecked Pothecary speak to your Excellence? one that hath ministered Triackles, Antidotes, Receipts & Cordials to all (or most of your Patients) within your flourishing Isles of the Burmudoes; and now is enforced (like a poor supplicant) all Drugs of Rheubarbe, Carduus sanctus, Coloquintida, Artemisia, Oenanthe, and what herbs or plants soever were preservative against the Scotoma, Oedema, Lithiasis, Paralysis, Celphalgia, Lycanthropia; all diseases, Ulcers, Morbs or Contagions wheresoever or howsoever arising, all these (I say) set aside, I am now enforced to crave pardon at your highness feet. With this: the two Islanders interrupted him, demanding the reason why he should pardon? O (replied the Apothecary) I see the judgements of Neptune be now (and not without cause) powered upon me; oft have I (and with watery eyes I speak i●…) ministered instead of purging materials, such as were binding: This, this, (and with that he beat his breast exceedingly) have my false Drugs brought me to: I have oft times ministered for potions, poisons to torment my Patients; that I might increase my estate by their infirmities: I never consulted with my Doctor for my Patient's health, but how to augment my wealth, by his lingering sickness. Punish me therefore Great Neptune, throw me into the Sea, that I may poison as many fish as I have poisoned men. Nepenthes willing to wain him from this strange distraction, bade him be comforted, and with this serious speech showed him his errors.  
MY FRIEND, as thou ascribest, the cause of thy present misery, to thy forepast impiety, and as thou wishest Neptune might censure-thee according: o thy demerits, having deserved the worst of men: so I would have thee know I am neither Neptune that can or will censure, nor she Tethis that should show thee rigour; Two Islanders we are that will show thee our best of welcome, and hospitality shall be the worst punishment we will inflict upon thee: only, as thou ex: pressest thy own sorrow for the contempt of thy profession: redeem the time thou hast lost, and retire with us; if we can yield thee comfort use us: for never past misery by this shore unpitied, if we could either remedy it, or redress it. With great thanks went the Apothecary along with them to a neighbour Grange adjoining, where with all courtesy he was entertained. It chanced one day, that Usquebaughin sitting discontentedly in her Garden, began to expostulate the cause of her barrenness, and thus (though hervertues never before so far transgressed their limits, or less expressed themselves) she proceeded.  
Wretched Vsquebaughin, what crime hast thou committed, what offence hast thou done, or what work of hospitality hast thou omitted: That thou (and that only thou) shouldst be deprived of that common bounty of Nature? Others have flourishing issues; and though their estates be less, yet they know, who shall possess them: But I (that have no issue, bereft of the greatest of comforts, what availeth it me to possess abundance, when all this shall succeed to a doubtful heir? yet is my grief enlarged! who will not judge how Nepenthes got it? that hath no issue to whom he may leave it; sure (will some imagine) extortion hath been the means of his raising, which makes his house so quickly declining. True, true, (unhappy woman) many such surmises will arise from thy barrenness: though thy husband's virtues be never so transparent. I will retire myself therefore to some desolate place, that as, I am deprived of comfort, I may be deprived of light; nor would I have an imputation aspersed on my husband's honour, through my defect. Whilst she was descanting thus her own griefs silently, that the silence of the place and privacy of her passions might augment them: Cantharideses (for so was the Apothecary called) came into the garden, where seeing this disconsolate woman (all a mort) wiping her teare-swolne-eyes, to minister no less solace in her afflictions, than she had done before to his, he thus with mild aspect, and compassionate respect, spoke unto her.  
IF griefs be best allayed when communicated, or afflictions best eased, when they find partners: be not such an enemy to yourself (sweet Mistress) as so to engross your own passions to yourself, as to shroud them from others. Nor indeed can griefs be concealed. The face is the best Secretary of the heart; and will express in silence, what passions move disturbance. But it may be, you wish one of more secrecy to impart your woes unto; of secrecy you cannot, of discipline you may. And though judgement wanteth yet shall secrecy and fidelity supply the place, where more serious advice cannot instruct: Suspect me you need not, for my life is due unto you; and let this protestation serve for confirmance: when I cease to be yours, I will cease to be mine own.  
The Gentle woman seeing the character of a good Nature in his ill face, and one that seemed willing to requite so inestimable a benefit as he had received, subjecting and consecrating his life where it was due: apprehended this occasion of delivering her surcharged breast, recalling to mind how by his profession, there might be some cure to the cause of her grief. Guest (for so I will be bold to call you:) I know sorrows are best allayed when imparted, if hope of remedy, or least appearance of release be expressed: But so far is the nature of my sore above the search or reach of cure, that in expressing them I seem to augment them, because the opening of my malady, will instantly minister despair of remedy: yet to satisfy your desire (that generally our hospitality may afford content) I will describe my griefs, though by the relation I expect no ease. Know (my friend) that many years have my husband and I lived together, without least difference or debate between us: and in that prosperity and happiness of estate (if happiness can consist in having sufficient) as we have not only a competency in ourselves, but have expressed and extended our bounties unto others: Yet in this seeming Beatitude, in this height of riches (know my friend) that we are made miserable, yea, in our riches despicable; the cause is drawn from our want of issue, which you know (if ever experience gave you that comfort) to be the principal motive of true content; ministering best solace to the parents griefs; yea, and reviveing their memory, when raked up in the ashes of oblivion. Alas sir, what be these fair buildings, flourishing Medes, spacious Downs, which you see we are here possessed of? they must of necessity succeed to some, and it may be to some base Tartarian, that will raze and deface the memory of our providence, with his security, riot, and superfl●…ous expense. And what shall remain of us? scarce so much as that we were; But why do I beat the air, with a vain repetition of misery? You have heard sir the occasion of my grief, the motive of my discontent; and I know you imagine it to be above the compass of remedy, let it be sufficient that I have satisfied you, that can satisfy myself in nothing save grief.  
This discourse the Apothecary attentively observed: oftimes lifting up his hands to heaven, thanking the powers divine, that they had ministered him so ample and expedite an occasion, both of showing argument of his thankfulness, and means to release this disconsolate woman of her pensiveness. For this Cantharideses was excellent for many Cures, but for none so famous as for sterility or barrenness: for which exquisite Art and knowledge, he was famous through all the Burmudoes islands: so that as no place was then more savage, so no Region or Country had more fruitful women in it. Thus therefore, as soon as she had expressed the cause of her discontent, with cheerful countenance he thus addressed his speech;  
I HOPE (fair Mistress) this present occasion of your grieving shall be (ere long) the motivest cause of your joying: there is no cloud but it presages a following clearness, no●… tempest (but if overpast) moves the Mariners to more cheerfulness. The halcyons song they say (Mistress) bodes a storm; but the Dolphins playing, portends a calm. Some sing against their death, with the Swan; and some sing against their birth, with the Lark●…. Some plants are for expelling sorrow, as the Mugwort; as others to distract the senses with the Hemlock. Some have virtue to cast sorrow on sleep, as the Saffron; others to keep them waking, as the Moly. And Elements skirmish one with another, lest man should be though only to skirmish with himself. Winds that rise in the shores of L●…panthos, in the Morning, send forth gusts from the North, in the Evening, calms from the West. This I speak (Gentle woman) to express the limit of your grief extended, the web of your passions contracted, and now your calm approaching, after so many billows overflowing. The cause of your grief I know to be moving: for all creatures have, and do repose their greatest joy in their progeny: Priam and his miserable Hecuba before the ruin and desolation of that great and populous City, which endured so many sieges ere it was sacked, were esteemed happy in all things, yet the complement of their happiness consisted in their fair and flourishing issues. Herotinus had as much Temporal felicity, as human debility could attain unto, yet the extent of that felicity summed up itself in his 600 sons. And true it is you say, that the posterity gives life to the deceased parent; for as long as their issue surviveth, their image seems revived, and Nature seems to proportion a second self in the child, being cast in the mould of the Parent. But whence this discourse! in expressing comforts of this nature, and not ministering to your discomfort, I seem to imitate a rigorous and remorseless Physician, who before he gives his Patienta Cordial, applies unto him extremest corrosives. I am heartily glad (Gentle woman) I am arrived here for your sake, and if divine powers, (as sure they have) may be thought to have a hand in men's preservation, for a more excellent end or purpose, sure that Aesculapius (which lenge that public stain to deserved honour; that corrupter of hospitality; that pearl of greatness, bottle-nosed Bacchus. Dost not remember, how those ambitious Giants, had well nigh scaled thy father's palace; overthrown the mansions of Heaven; and made the whole Fabric of jove a pile of ruin? And whence proceeded this, but from joves too much lenity? Ixion would have (like thy Bacchus) been a little too familiar with juno, if joves transpiercing eyes had not diverted his own scandal, and preserved his Queen's honour. But see what just judgement he (in his powerful Majesty) denounced on so impudent and ingrateful a Villain: in stead of loving, he is now rolling, and must so perpetually, the wheel of eternal anguish: Blessed prevention! Deserved censure! But thou (as one either secure of thine one shame, or ignorant of public infamy) ●…itst in a whores lap, makes Carols to be sung in honour of thy Bastard: O, is not this brave sport for Bacchus? Yes, yes, thy Tragedy yields▪ him an ample and spacious argument of a delightful Comedy: For lately, I hear, he presented an exquisite Interlude, all composed of thy follies: here presented one of his drunken Attendants, thy Queen laughing, another thyself sleeping, and Bacehus brought in himself horning; where, like a second Al●…ides, he makes thy brows his columns, on which he engraves his perpetual motto, Non ul●…ra. Here is excellent work for a silent ass to be hoodwinked in! What Pilot, seeing an imminent tempest approaching, will not cast anchor, or retire to harbour? But thou, seeing the tempest of thy shame, not imminent, but transparent, sleepest with the Dormouse, and risest with the Snail, horned. I will be brief, though a matter of this consequence, requires a world of instruction: make me Italian work in their guts, play me Tereus part: Thou hast no Progne, but a strumpet; no Philom●…la, but an impudent prostistute. Cut out her tongue, and she will not blab thy shame: hang up Bacchus for an Ivy bush at every Tavern door in Hell. Let Monsieur Claret (who I am credibly informed was his Pander) be drunk of none but Tinkers, and let them drink till they surfeit, that they may spew him in the street again. O that I could express the infiniteness of the malady which thou art incident to, and knows it not; made a monster and observes it not; laughed at by thine own Planter, and sees it not; balladed at by a nasty troup of Gally-foists, Villains of the last edition; proclaimed Recreants to the field of Virtue, and whipped in the Statute Book of S●…turne. And yet (my squeamish Cousin) you cannot see into the eye●…ore of your reproach. P●…oebus so much respects you, he will not visit you, lest his approach should publish your shame: Luna, like a modest and chaste matron, because her ordinary habiliment is an horn, will not see you, lest she put you in mind of that badge you wear. The Planets, as more favourable and auspicious than you are to yourself, will not come near your cave (for they are verily resolved) you are planet-struck already. As I am your friend, so take my counsel; put her away, that has put you in for all day; live to be yourself, and not to be an impeachment to yourself: Some here of my fraternity laugh at you, others in compassion pity your misery. Neither pity, nor scorn, are estates worth having: so clear your disgrace, and wipe off the blemish laid upon your Deity, that those friends which pitied you, may convert their pity into joy, others that scorned you, may convert their hate to envy. Howsoever, remain but your friend, as Mercury will rest ever your Approved, etc.  
After the perusal of this letter, you may imagine what cold swoons came over poor Pluto's heart: so as in the increase of his distractions, and decrease of his comforts, which he imagined matchless, by the new birth of his supposed heir: in the retiredness of his passions (which seem most bitter when most retired) he thus conferred with himself; expostulating the probabilities of these suspects, with the sincerity of his approved and ever trusty friend Mercury; of whose undoubted fidelity he made no question: yet because the long-rooted conceit of Proserpina's constancy, and her general respect to honour engendered in him a doubtfulness how to resolve: yet in the end Mercury's information is preferred before his first resolution. The diverse enforcive causes whereof may appear more amply in this private discourse to himself.  

Pluto's passions.  
A Letter Pluto? Yes, and a bitter one: By these contents I should need an extraordinary night cap, for mine ears by all Heaven's Consistories be supposed horns. And by whom should these monstrous Appendices be created? The letter saith by Bacchus. Very good; then consequently am I mine own Pander, that entertained a Villain to lie with my wife. Yet I can hardly believe it: Proserpina hath lived many years with me, and was never yet detected: she ever preferred her estimation above any inordinate thought of breach, or violation of honour; and as proper personages were in my Dominions, as ever Bacchu●… will make: and can I think a drunken Swad can so soon seduce my Queen from her respect to honour? No, no: sure Mercury would have me divorce my Queen, to possess her himself: I know not, if there be knavery in Mercury, there must needs be villainy in amity. Yet Mercury was ever a faithful and approved friend to me: and sure such a report he has heard, and that, no●… ordinary neither, for it seems it is confirmed by the general rumour of the Gods. Why then Pluto (to make the conclusion agree with the premises) thou art a Cuckold: and that bladder-faced, goggle-eyed, rheumatic Rascal, Bacchus, has been penning a set speech in Proserpina's Notebook. What remedy? I shall be set in black and white for it: to be the first Prince of hell that ever bore horn for his crest, and mine impress shall be about it, Inopem me copia fecit; no rather, Haec sunt insignia Bacchi. Miserable Pluto. canst thou descant of thine own shame without blushing? to have thy Gem soiled by a canker-worm? a mop-faced Rogue, that seldom or never lies in sheets, but makes the Tavern his lodging chamber, and the bulk his pillow. O inconstant Proserpina, to choose a lousy Knave, base in education, grosser in conversation, and odious to all but Flemish Britons! Could none satisfy thee (unsatiate Messalina) but the dregs of pollution, and that never made difference twixt lust and love? How thine eyes were dazzled? How far thou disparagedst thy judgement? Couldst thou see any such excellency in Bacchus, or any one good condition to approve thy choice? Was he so far above thy Pluto, as thou preferredst him before thy Pluto? Blush at thine impudence: Or if Bacchus' grape have taken so deep a tincture in thy blushless face, as thou canst not express thy shame by the outward character of a blush, at least send out a relenting tear, and that perhaps will mollify the heart of thy abused husband. To whom should I appeal to? If to mine own Judges, I shall rumour mine own shame in Hell, as it is dispersed already in Heaven. If I appeal to Earth, that rancorous troup of incarnate Devils will answer me, it is ordinary with them to have Cuckolds, and they never enacted Law against that Venial Error. To be brief, they will absolutely conclude they have no Law for it. If I appeal to my father jove, and present a bill of complaint to the Senate of Heaven against mine own wife, I shall be but laughed at, and the cause will be protracted, and myself the while eternally tormented with delay of revenge: But what bids Mercury me do? Play Tereus part, cut out her tongue, and she will not blab my dishonour: That were a ready way; and yet hardly were that course secure either; a woman will make a shift to speak, if her tongue be cut out: there is no hope in so desperate a cure. Come, come, I have it: hang laughter: Am I a proclaimed Cuckold, and therefore a complete honest man, and will not I seek remedy for mine imputation? Is it not a reproach for Pluto, to be termed a wittal, a plain honest well-meaning Cuckold? By my regiment of S●…yx, Lethe, and Phlegeton: and by all my power I have in this inferior Government, I had rather be entitled knave, than honest. But where's my Revenge? To jupiter Pluto, to jupiter; he will pity his sons misfortune, and censure Bacchus (that slavering Hogshead) according to his deserts. If I put up this injury, let me be thrust from my chair of state, my kingdom of Tartary for ever. Show remorse on me, and inflict revenge (thou Tonitruous jupiter) upon this Horne-maker: for if thou do not: Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo. I will jupiter, I will; I'll play the Giant's part; scale thy airy Turrets; raze down thy burnished Pyramids; ravish the Beauties of thy Court; and make one of my bas●…st slaves lie with thy Queen before thy face. Passion may be long silent, but not suppressed: Injuries may be endured, but not quite supplanted: I will first, like a poor solicitor, attend thy Court with lenity, my next approach shall be in thunder.  
PLUTO seconds his passion with a complaint to jupiter, the process whereof how it fell out, you shall hear afterward. We must now return to Pluto's young hei●…e, and how suspicion arose from Acarno the Midwife, touching the birth of this young Brat. One day swaddling this wan●…on Bastard, she perceived a mark in the child's breast, resembling the proportion of a Vine: the feature of the leaves, spurges, and Grapes, so artificial natural, as made the old Trot exceedingly amazed: on she rowles to Proserpina, and shows her this wonder; the good Queen marveled not a whit (for she had no reason) knowing it to be Ba●…chus stamp: yet lest this should be occasion of difference twixt her and Pluto; whose jealousy she had now a little perceived; calls for Iris the Post-Boy in Hell, and commands him, after she had enchanted him with her Ebon wand, that he might go and come invisible, to take his course instantly to the North-part of Ta●…tary, (on which Border, the Isles of the Burmudoes are seated) and there he should find 〈◊〉 child in the C●…adle. Which child she enjoined him with all expedition and taciturnity to convey from thence, and bring it to her; where, at his return he should hear the rest of her will; intending, as after appeared, to convey her young Bacchus in his place, that all suspicion might be avoided: and this stamp of the true father neither might engender occasion nor argument of suspect or jealousy in the troubled head of her husband.  
On Iris goes in his embassage (winged to make the course more speedy) nor rests he his wearied body, till arrived at the utmost Cape of Burmudoes' sea, where after long search, he finds the joyful house of Nepenthes: in he goes (and in the dark covert of night, when cares get repose, and the ambitious thoughts of men find harbou●…) he easily takes the poor infant from beside his sleeping parents. Up he mounts with the child, and with as much 〈◊〉 returns to the care seized Chamber of Proserpina: where sitting alone (for Pluto was turned 〈◊〉 in heaven's conclave) seeing 〈◊〉 come into the chamber, with as quick 〈◊〉 (as if her senses before estranged from her, had been suddenly revived. The child she receives, and the child with as cheerful a countenance, flies into her bosom. Pretty brat, that occasions no little grief to thy poor parents, that in their sleep possessed thee, but waking in the survey of their barrenness makest their lives loathed, but their griefs must not be dilated by our pen; we will leave them sorrowing, & return to Pluto's success in his suit.  
Pros●…rpina now at hearts ease, intending next morning to send her bastard to Nepenthes house, that it might remain there fostered in stead of their own; was prevented by her husband's return; who came in as she was committing and commending the child to the care, tuition, and safe convoy of her Herald Iris. How these two encountered may be imagined by Pluto's former passion; yet to make our discourse more complete, and the series of our tale with better concordance knit up; You may suppose Pluto entering his Queen's chamber, and with sparkling eyes, severe look and menacing aspect, thus chastising her.   

Proserpina encountered by Pluto.  
IMpudent Minion! dost thou imagine Pluto has no eyes, because he wears horns? Let go the bastard; he that father's it is able to keep it; Thou hast stuffed my head with horn shave; made me infamous for ever; derided in heaven; contemned on earth; and pitied in hell. None but Bac●…hus (insatiate strumpet) to fly to, That on my knowledge is buzling with every milkmaid! Am I the Rhynoceros thou hast branched? the first Cuckold of thy making! and the first that ever was in hell created! and thou it seems (to blind my eyes) wouldst convey this Brat to some desclate promontory, some Anchorage or Sotary, for to pray for thy lewdness? Sure I think if ever it proved Friar it were not of the mother's mind, but ere five ears were expired, it would sing, The Friar has lost his breeches. Out Cockatrice, out: with what forehead canst thou plead for pardon? I that took thee up, as earthly Gallants, take up light commodities, straggling from thy mother, hath found thee now strayed from thy honour. I will never keep holiday in thy remembrance hereafter, so long as thy windpipe is open. Thy melody shall be converted to shrieking; thy best of delights to perpetual despairing; and thy late banqueting to incessant tormenting. Cuckold Pluto, you strumpet, and none but Bacchus to do him that dishonour! Better could I have been pacified, a●…d sooner had the passion of my eter●…all choll●…r been mitigated, if any within my own Regiment had done it: But a drunken slave, that in the height of his Cups, will rumour my horns to all his Cup-shot Assacinats! Go to Hell shall roar for▪ t. Thy liberty shall be perpetual imprisonment; thy life horror; and though thou wish death, yet, he shall not be so thankful as come, if it be but to augment and aggravate thy misery. And for thy Bastard, hear joves decree.   

joves Decree.  
BY the power of my command, jove the supernal commander of heaven, sovereign of earth, head Prince of the Mediterranean, and absolute Emperor of the Tartars, planter of Isles, establisher of Nations, Extirper of the Bastard Race, auspicious Protector of chaste affections, ratefies this decree following: Whereas Pluto our wellbeloved son, upon just complaint of Bacchu●…, and his licentious Queen Pros●…rpina, hath informed us of illegitimate issue, descended from their unchaste loins. And that the Bastard (as an apparent and evident note of his dishonour, continues in the Court of Hell, to a public contumely of the said Pluto, and no less grief to us. We therefore, to root out the very memory of such disgrace, and the being of so worthy an issue: do in our power transform the said Bastard (in resembrance of Aca●…thus) into a a Plant; which, to express his father shall still reserve the name of his progenitor Bacchus: and therefore have we in his memory, called him (as one commended to the care, protection, and tuition of his father) Tobacco, the curse whereof we refer to the consideration of our son Pluto, whose injuries we in compassion feel in ourself. And that our decree is not to be abbrogated nor disannulled; We have here in our celestial Consistory, Sealed it with the subscription of our glorious Synod subsined, Mars, Mercury, Saturn, Neptune, Aeolus▪ etc. Our decree is not to be adjourned, but with expedition confirmed. For Proserpina, to pray is bootless; prayers are out of season; or to weep and deplore her present misery, is fruitless; tears cannot move remorse. The Decree must be performed, and so it was: for Medusa, that brave enchantress, is sent for according to joves Decree: and she with her Snaky-rod catching the child, with the Decree read over it, transforms it presently.   

The Argument of the following Discourse.  
NAUGHT now but leaves for that same feature clear,  
Which but of late did in the child appear.  
The root, the feet, the body was the stem,  
So much commended now of mortal men:  
His father heard it, that his child should take  
Anoth●…r feature, and another shape:  
Incensed at first, yet makes his son divine;  
For Bacchus steeps Tobacco in his wine.  
The son makes sober, and the father drunk;  
Thus by Hell's birth, Earth's to confusion su●…ke.  
Now we'll proceed as times be worse and wors●…,  
From Bacchus' blessing, to Tobacco's curse.  
The curse of Tobacco, or, Pluto's blessing to Tobacco.  
TO return to the miserable 
Chap▪ 3.  state of those poor Islanders, that were now deprived (unawares) of their choicest and selectedst comfort: I need not, only to express the renuall of their hopes; Know that Proserpina in remorse of her impiety, weaving a second error in her first offence, and one no less (if not more) inexcusable than the other; returns their child again with a sumptuous Armolet about the Arm of it, to recompense the wrong she had done, with advantage. What joy the Parents conceived at the restitution of their child, I leave it to you to imagine: Mean time, we will proceed with the second branch of our discourse, to wit, the blessing (or cursing rather) which Pluto gave this Bastard Plant, foretelling, with what admiration it would be received on earth.  
Now my brave Bastard, I will send you up wrapped in a Paper to that father of yours, Bacchus, and may my blessing follow thee. Thou art now to travel through many straits: first through the noses of the Burmudoes; for there it is fit thou offer thyself first, because they challenge an interest in thee by thy birth. Thou shalt be hissed out of the school of Hypocrates, Aesculapius, and Galen. Not a Quack-salver Doctor upon the Universe, but shall read Lectures on thee, as if it were upon an Anatomy. The mercenary peddler shall counterfeit thee: and drying some Walnut leaves, shall forswear himself for thee. The Frenchman shall love thee, for thou art restorative to his infirmities; thou shalt be as familiar with the tattered Indian; as Slapdragons with the Fleming; Potatoes with the Italian: or Flawnes with the Bohemian. Thou shalt be thy father's Caterer, provide him victual and victuallers to 〈◊〉 his victual. Yet my comfort is, thou shalt not be only for the generous Gallant, but as well also for Aminadab the Pedant, and Hob-nayle the Peasant: The very Tinker (with his fine Brass) shall tinkle on thy sides, and snuff thee out like Neesing-powder. The Pox and Piles shall reverence thee: one fire strikes out another; and whole families shall maintain their tatterdemalions with hanging thee out in a string. But of all Cities, Isles, Provinces, Dominions, or Segniories, none shall entertain thee in that royalty, or with that general state at the Albionacts: their Long Acres, Uplands and Down-lands shall fly in a trice to retain thee in their company; Thou shalt soak them to the bone (my renowned Bastard) and make them skarre-Crowes to Nature. Yet, it cheers my heart, when I think how every fool must have his Babble; and not a good discourse without the suggestion of thy brave, pregnant and fiery spirit. Yet, as well as they love thee, they'll spurt thee out, and make thy own Mansion all be slubbered with thy own juice; while this raiseth Pluto one pin higher: to see a young Cavalero spit out his patrimony in Rheum. No entertainment without thee; nor speech worth observing, that has not life from thee. Thou makesh the pursued Roarer forget the Sergeant is at door to arrest him. Thou makest him valiant: not a Brass button on the Universe dare attach him. Who dare encounter Phaeton, that is nought but fire and smoke! Sending out the Tapers of his wrath, the faggots of his indignation? The Cressets of his spleen, and the furnaces of his evaporated Ire at the Crevisses of his Nose? Why, I shall be made to bless thee: Thou wilt be the only enlarger of my kingdom, the enricher of my state▪ and the stablisher of my Empire eternally. I shall thank my wife (ere long) for my Bastard honours. Never did Al●…ydes more for his stepmother juno; than thou for thy stepfather Pluto. I see Charon's boat over-burdened already: hoist up sails Charon, my honey Bastard sends thee them in Swoupes. But I see more virtue in them yet; as the light of the fire darkens the light of the candle, so shall thy smoke (the pure Elixir of a Gallants brainpan) draw to thee all the smoke that's used to esteem out of great men's Kitchens: Their habitations shall become as desolate as a Wilderness; as bare as trees in fall o'th' leaf; as naked as a Frenchman's Scalp; and as destitute of hospitality, as a Wappin Broker of honesty.  
But this is nothing to that reverence those smoking Albyonacts will do unto thee: there will a Scholar make a set speech to thee; and canvas thee in a Blanket, with predicamental words, above comparison or Gradation. With, O thou Hyble of Intelligence; thou Ars●…nall of eminence; thou Castalia of Ingenuity; thou Hermyone of Harmony; thou Systema of Logic; thou Anadema of Rhetoticke; thou Anathema of choler; thou Astraea of Honour. Thus will the word-joyning Scholar grace thee. Then the Lawyer with his Quillets and mental reservations, Solecysims, Writs, and Demurs without Demurs, will thus aboard thee.  
O, if john a Styles, or john an Oakes had known thee in their days, what cases couldst thou have put them? for by thee (and none but thee) thou Heantontymoreumenon of judicious pleading, we gained a Melius inquirendum, what it is, or what it meaneth? as for example, if we find thee not in thy spirit and life here, we seek thee elsewhere, and so by a Melius inquirendum, we possess thee. By thee (and none but thee) we find what is a Capias ad legatum; for being taken in the head, we are forced to lie by it. By thee we find what an Injunction is at the first sight; being enjoined to avoid much corrupt matter, wherewith men of our profession be extraordinarily troubled. Wherefore, if thou have any action of Outlary, against any Gallant or Gallants, within our Precincts, in behalf of Arrearages due to thy Master in thy behalf; we will procure thee expedition for nothing, (and reason) for thou art incorporated in us. Thus will the spruce Areopagite discourse to thee: where presently a Waterman, a Tankard carrier, or such necessary Hogs▪ snout in the City will thus accost thee. O smoke, no smoke but vapour, and no vapour but smoake●… thou makest my Tankard as light as a Pipkin; thou makest us never think of our poverty, drawn in Sluices from Ware, and in Pipes to London. Nay, nose it (neighbour Timothy) nose it; O Herb of Grace! surely he that founded thee was some Traitor, for thou hast betrayed me of my wits already. Come, another Pipe, good Master Flie-smoake! why may not we send out a Tankard of water at our nose, as well as Master Had-land blows out his Acres? We will honour thee still (my brave trinidadical spirit) and we will take it i'th' snuff whosoever wrongs thee.  
THUS (my Noble and Heroical Bastard) shall all Professions honour thee; all degrees reverence thee; and the chief Metropolitan Cities shall maintain their greatest Traffic and Commerce by thee. Happy shall be that man, who can engross a portion of thy quickest spirit to himself! It shall stand instead of his Orisons in the morning; and early will he sacrifice the snuff of his Candle to thy Incense; not a complete Callant, that hath not his V●…ensiles to conduct thee to his nose: for thou ministers him a portion of joy, and tells him of building another Castle or coloss in the air.  
Thus thou playest Minister to Pluto, and estates me in an ample Government; thy smoke shall be the conveyance to hale those snuffing Prodigals to my smoking Dominions; for thou art but a preparative to the solemnizing of thy father Bacchus his Festivals. Thou, to open the passages to receive liquor: He, to pour in his unfathomed Bucket, and to rinse their Liver: Thou, like another Sinon, burns Troy; sacks the City; races down the walls; and with thy per●…idious incursion, subjects all the inward parts of the City to desolation: He, when all things are done (like a seeming friend) protests affection, and with ceremonial Ambages insinuates into that poor Fort which remains: where like Sile●…i of the last Edition, they entertain him, receive so much of his Complement, till they become complete and replete Gallants: then, - suror Arma ministrat. Bacchus sets them byth'eares, Buffet stools walk, Pottles (like pellets) express their meaning by their clattering. Here (my worthy step-child) the comfort of my wronged bed, and the only hope to eternize my sovereignty, begins my Joy! for Discord and Dissension yields to me a perpetual Union and Harmony. Thou art that Brand of Paris, shalt make earth flame for't; that Olympia serpent (that snake of Adraste) shalt wind thyself in the minds of men, and draw a greater fleet to thy Voyage of Tenarus, then ever were of Argonauts to Colchos. If those three Sisters, O●…to, Ocypete, and Celano; those Arch-Pyrats, Harpies of the Atlantic, brought such rich booties to their mother Cleona, what will my transformed Bastard do for me, that hath the whole world to room in? Thou wilt make Bacchus call thee his white boy; and I will crown thee with a Diadem of burnished gold; with a plume of Ostrich feathers: and thou at thy return, like another Aquila, Affricane, or Pompey, shalt triumph in the streets of Hell; we are as many Trophies, as thou hast enriched the Treasury of Hell with souls. here shalt thou lead the Prodigal in chains, and with a shadow of smoke, draw him to follow thee, aut sequetur, aut trahetur. Here, my brave Spend-times, shall desire thy company; but thou like a triumphant Hannibal, shalt contemn them, leading the Slaves in bonds; and like another Tamerlane, make Earth's Sovereigns follow thy Chariot wheels, crouching like pedestals at the foot of thy Majesty. Hear my Cautions therefore; and in observing them, thou shalt purchase thee a wreath of eternal honour: Not a Fiend but shall bend to thee; and thou in the Majesty of thy state shalt contemn the greatest, being made miserable by thine enchantments.   

Especial advertisements given by Pluto to Tobacco.  
FIRST caution I propound, is, that in every place where thou comest, thou take the best Booth in the Fair. Plant thyself in the eye of the City: set me the picture of some sallow-faced Blackamoor, or a Virginia-man, for that will rather draw custom upon the Frontespice of thy door: A Zeuxes or Apelles would do well in these cases, to enforce passengers by the picture, to draw near the substance: make a partition in thy shop; it may be the hot Venetian comes to bathe with thee, rather than to drink Tobacco with thee. Draw the curtain close (sin would have no eyes poring upon her) and when thou seest a young raw Novice, that never was yet matriculated in the school of vanity, make a speech to him in commendation of thy virtue, power, and operation; if he listen thee with a greedy ear, continue thy discourse with arguments, and how insufficient soever, no matter, the Gudgeon will be taken, and having him once in, presume on his custom. Now and then to discourse of novelties, and unheard-of rarities, will not a little increase custom: for the fantasticness of the age admires nothing so much as fabulous relations. Tell of thy strange birth, but neither of me nor of the place of thy birth: though men come so frequently to me, yet they love not to hear of me: I would have thee in any case lay trains for the better sort, for the worse sort love to imitate the better: And then in thy profession thou mayest apologize thine errors (as thou canst hardly be without them) if thou mean to live rich, or not to die a Beggar.  
THERE be three persons I would have thee use with all observances, the Scholar, the Lawyer, and the Poet; I distinguish them, for seldom makes Poet Lawyer, seldom becomes Lawyer Scholar, seldom exquisite Scholar either Poet or Lawyer. The Scholar to confirm thy profession by reason, the Lawyer by equivocation, and the Poet by invention: One to discuss, another to discourse, and the third to fable These, as by time observing, they may be eternally won; so by scurvy usage they may be eternally lost. The Scholar will be thine, if thou talk in his element; soothe him in his arguments; and call him most profound, dogmatical, and literate Trismegistus: let not one reason (though it be never so wide of sense) pass from him without thine approbation; and when thou art weary in praising his imperfections, fall to admiration; but let it be,— Ut pueri junonis Ave●…. If thou canst know what University he is of, advance it with new-coined and strangely-minted Hyperboles: Discourse a whole hour of the antiquities of the place; not Mount Parnassus itself more ancient. Then dispatiate into the pleasantness of the seat; the fruitfulness of the place; and withal, of the greatness of their Commons; for that they like to hear of, though they seldom see it. These discourses will make the Scholar thine own; he is thine individuate and incorporate friend; the Ivy claspeth not nearer the Vine, nor the Missell-tow the Oak, than he will knit to thee.  
THE Lawyer will be thine, if thou compare these present times with those flourishing and impartial days of Hortensius, Marcus Appius, Cornelius Graccus: swearing too (for thou must make no bones of oaths) that for pure eloquence, excellent conveyance, absoluteness of method, and other proprieties, Rome in her glory (even in the maturity of her time) never attained so absolute and exact a course in pleading. Then in defence of corruption, (because every man must live by his trade) talk of brave Senators, and the bravest councillors, would now and then be anointed. and for unction dispense with conscience; and tell him withal, examples of authority to confirm it. This discourse will so ensnare my young Mowter, as no question (if he distaste smoke) he will frequent thee for thy many good parts: An oily tongue (my nimble Bastard) is worth a kingdom.  
FOR the Poet, I cannot tell what to say to it, he is so oft out of his wits, as he verily imagines himself the man in the Moon: There's quicksilver in his brain; and if he were not now and then encountered by Sergeants, and kept under lock and key, he would verily turn Bedlam. Yet because frenzy must be purged, and thou (my Wag-halter) hast virtue and operation to love such, beckon to the threadbare contemned Urchin, give him a pipe on my score, he'll pay it at the next new play he makes, if the Doorkeepers will be true to him: and if not, he'll make thee up some scurvy end of a Ballad, deserves a pipe of smoke. But before thou humour him, I would have thee find him, and I protest to thee I cannot direct thee to him: many have this name, but as far different from the perfect strain of a Poet, as the glistering of the Glow-worm from the light and splendour of the Sun. Some come from the camp to the stage, from the pike to the pen; and few Soldiers will prove good Poets. For the nature of these men (I myself have had an itching inclination to this poetical frenzy) had rather fight with Bacchus than Mars; and had rather cope with a barrel, than oppose themselves to a quarrel. Others, from an Indenture to a Theatre; the Scribe turns Pharisic; and Asinus ad Lyram, expresseth his own shame by his Scrivener's fragments. Others, from mowting to comic writing: a brave honour to descend to Poet from Lawyer. But amongst these (my brave Spurio) thou shalt find many generous wits possessed with this frenzy, call them to thee, smoke their wits, it may be they are musty, and desire soaking: These poor Gnats deserve thine acquaintance, even the lowest favourite in Parnassus' Armoury, Qui nescit versus, tamen audet fingere. Take him to thee, he shall, for his love to Ribaldry, drink a pipe on my score: What, shall vanity want smoke? No, (my thrice-renowned Hermaphrodite) smoke thou them here on Earth, and I will smoke them in Hell with pipes of Sulphur. But I pray thee retain these last of all others; they will draw company to thee; they are made the very Morio's of our time: and what good wit but either can draw thee into acquaintance with great ones; or is so endeared to the other sex; as by their means, thou shalt have creatures of both kinds (and that will make thee for ever) resort to thy shop continually! Humour me these Poets; extol their devices, though thou never heard of any of them; they love to be tickled: Flattery they cannot judge of; for they verily imagine their deserts outstrip all commendations. But now (my Rogue in grain) if thou couldst set up a private refectory, for the young effeminate sort (for they would like Adamants draw continual recourse) I would hug thee eternally. Sell me Potato-roots, Eringoes, all Electuaries, Confections, Receipts, Conceits, Deceits, Pomatum, Ceruse, with a large recital of thy brave commodities; and a little smooth-faced Ganymede standing at the door, who▪ like another Parrot or Magpie, may cry ever in one tune: What do you lack? Pomatum of the best, Ceruse; what do you lack? If thou be so blest, as to get these Syrenfaced things into thy confines, I shall be happy in thee. The best means to ensnare them, is to commend them; and in comparison of sexes, to prefer theirs in many degrees before the gross and distempered constitution of man; fumming up some especial records of their sex's worth." Blessed creatures, Soveraignesses of earth's happinesses (thus mayst thou bind them to thee;) when Nature framed the best of her Art, she examplified it in you, making you the founders of Cities and flourishing Countries, Provinces and islands. Asia first founded by a woman of that name. Europe by Europa, daughter 〈◊〉 Agenor King of Phanicia: and Scythia of a woman that sprung out of the earth, who named her son Scytha. To describe the rare sit●…s and foundations of Isles (matchless creatures) Rhodes, Corcyra, Salamyna and Ae●… were all founded by women. Shall I ascend higher, and register your excellence in the Planets, and those celestial bodies, which give human bodies light? There be a thousand and twenty stars names known, all which have their Constellations of women. Shall I then express your incomparable natures, by essential goodness? why! Virtue herself makes your sex inimitable.  
Justice with a sword in her hand portrayed like a woman; Prudence with a glass; Temperance with a dial; Fortitude with an huge Colossus on her shoulder, that Hercules could not remove: all these in Embroideries, as tapistry, Cloth of Arras, and the like, bear the forms of women.  
Thus commend them, and they will sooner buy Eringoes of the worst (so they may have them by retail at thy shop) than at others of the best, that▪ cannot with a glibbery tongue deify them. But I hold thee all too long: last Caution I should give thee, have I reserved for the last, that it may take deepest and firmest root in thy memory: on my blessing I warn thee to contemn honesty, as a poor whore that is neither for Court, Country, nor City. Spurn at her when she offers to be acquainted with thee; it is not fit that Pluto's Bastard should respect Honesty. Get and care not how; forswear thyself and think not when; cheat, respect not where. Honesty could never thrive in the world; as she is a beggar discard her; as she is simple scorn her; and as she is base loathe her. When shalt thou see Honesty▪ approach a great man's palace, enter a Tradesman's shop, or get bedroom in an Inn? but Knavery is ever reaping a commodity: There is not a Comrade in all the City, but she can make use on; that wind blows ill, where she gains not something. To be short, ere thou ever set up shop, or hang out thy Blackamoor, disclaim honesty; entertain perjury; and the first part of knavery may begin with a pair of uneven scales. Thus if thou proceed in thy trade, I shall think my Cautions well▪ bestowed; if not, to aggravate thy punishment, I will eternally banish thy strumpet-mother from me; and make those very Gallants which frequent thy shop, kick thee into the kennel for thy honest simplicity. More should I say unto thee, but that Hell grows turbulent for want of government. Though I do not leave thee as I found thee, in that thy shape is altered▪ yet I leave thee in some respect better instructed: This is my last blessing; Fly into the world, and may knavery guide thee, false weights enjoy thee, and many fantastic Asses be seduced by thee.  
HAVING shipped this plant in Charon's vessel, and sent it into the world, what commerce it had in time, and what people of all conditions frequented it, shall appear by this pitiful complaint made by Time; whom you may imagine came forth of an old decayed and ruinous castle, bald-headed, with a sith in his hand, and blubbered face, standing in the public street of Troynovan●…, (for there this Plant took first planting:) where he exclaims against Pluto's Bastard, in these or the like continuate passions.   

The Argument.  
The Complaint of Time upon Tobacco; and the misery of man's security, losing that treasure by Time's expense, which can never be repurchased, or redeemed, but by bitter and incessant repentance.  
WHo CALLS on Time? 
Chap. 4.  Who makes use of Time? Or who in mere compassion will wipe these tears from the eyes of Time? Unhappiest of men, that should offer the best of men, yet art despised by all men! None here will negotiate in thy behalf; they make thee a stale to their pleasures, a Pander to their filthiness, a Brothel of shame, and a contempt to thyself. None esteems thee as thou art, precious; but makes thee different to thine own nature, vicious. The ambitious man hugs thee, to climb the ladder of preferment by thee. The wanton and licentious Courtier, to satisfy the fantasticness of his brainsick vanity by thee. The covetous miser, to enrich his never-contented coffers by thee. The Prodig●…ll, to spend the gifts of Fortune, and the refined treasure of his sin-crazed soul by thee. Thus, who uses thee like thyself? Who honours thee like thyself? Or who embraces thee, but either by pleasing Earth's Mammon, to displease himself, or by contemning thee utterly, to undo himself? If thou hadst that which thou hast not, it may be some would catch thee, but being bald (as thou art) none lays hold on thee; what, none? no, none; Nemo, herculè, nemo! Yet, me thinks, for all thy baldness, the Sergeant should clap hands on thee; his fingers will grant a bald man no dispensation. Yet thee he never looks at, for why? thou art out of debt, though all be in arrearages to thee, all engaged to thee all in subjection to thee: And like an imperious Owner mayest command an hourly arrest; yet, who is it of all my debtors braves me not? who, of all my factors contemns me not? and (to my grief) who not of the basest revile me not? Miserable Time▪ unhappy Creditour●… to have so much pity on such insolent Debtors. Here I hear my name contested by Truth, and presently my testimony is beat down by Falsehood; there, the simple honest man craves that I may try the cause; for (saith he) Time tries all things; and presently the poor man is cut down, before his cause come to the verdict of Time. Thus Justice goes on stilts, and Time supports her; Falsehood goes under warrant, and Time secures her; Simplicity is oppressed, and Time must delay her; the good suffer, and Time sees it; the ill are dispensed with, & Time confirms it: Thus may all men impute the cause of all disorder to Time; and so they do, while I in pity of the good, will in Time inflict due punishment on the evil. Mean time, like love himself, and those ethereal Powers above, who for all their integrity were accused to be Authors of their own impiety, Art thou blamed:  

O facinus! mortale Genu●… nos Numin●… primum  
Incusat; caus●…mque putat, fontemque malorum  
Quae veniunt.   

O wickedness! what h●…inous crimes surprise the hearts of men.  
To make us Authors of that ill which is commit by them?   
MUST thou poor Time be a Mask to every fact unjustly committed? to every bribe corruptly received? to every oppressor, that is amongst the worst of men numbered? What remedy! thine own sincerity is thine own best Apology. Thou wilt once discover thyself what thou art, and detect the secretest of Imagination, that now seems secure of thee or thy power. So long hath my Spring continued: I expected a better growth in this field of vanity, than Stubble and fruitless Darnell. Well, I will now make up my Harvest: I will see if my Sith can cut down, where my Lenity could not make grow. I have too long seen (the essence of myself) opportunity offered, contemned; too long, the estimation and repute of my name eclipsed. The worldling shall know he has a power to prune, as he had a desire to water: his infinite store of treasures got by oppression, shall be as paths which conduct him to the Brink of confusion. The lascivious Dame, that turns my hourglass to observe fashions, shall not with all her painting allure me; Nor with her Trumperies entice me; Nor with her whoorish-looke seduce me. I am too old to be a slave to a whore; too wise to be tempted by a whore; and too proud to serve a whore. The wasteful prodigal, that becomes heir of his father's bags, but not his virtues, shall not affright me with his oaths; awe me with his screwed face; or dismay me with his Bilbo blade: I have a weapon of a stronger temper, and it will pierce further than a Roarers Tolado. The unjust Regrater, that engrosseth wealth to himself, famine to the land; I will make him open his two-leaved granars, pull out his worme-sprowt corn, and lay his foysty victual forth to the open Market. And this done; I will bring him bound, before a better Purveyor. The proud ambitious arrogant Princock, that glories in his outside, (and so he may, for it is worth more than his inside) shall Playerlike, be stripped out of those silken Trappings: he played a brave man's part on the Theatre of this world, but he has his Exit, and I am in the Tiring-house and will dis-robe him; he shall know, Mundus Universus exercet Histrionem; Earth is but a stage, the life an Interlude, the people Actors; only I am left to empty the Stage with my Epilogue, but none of these for my pains will give me a Plaudite.  
Yet of all these, none to me so professed enemies as these smokers of our Age; they whiff me out in fume: and spend my best of hours in candlelight; their wits go and come by Pipe and Pipe; thus am I taken in snuff by every Peasant. Alas (poor aged Time) was thy first race thus addicted? were those ancient Heroes of renown, which got glory by foreign Conquests, for their Pipe using a Pike, for an herbs vapour, fields terror, thus employed? No; their time was spent (and gloriously spent) in their country's renown; Commonweals success; or public managements of state, not in an airy vapour. These increased in general respect by particular worth; they had other employments than piping; Belonaes' march relished better than the juice of Necotiana; then were the clattering of Arms, the ranking of battles, the ranging of soldiers, and marshalling of fields, of more esteem than smoke. Unworthy successors of so noble and imparalleld predecessors, shall Time be spent in nothing, being the precioust of all things, but in smoke and vapour, the lightest and trivialst of all things? Shall your employments which use to be so serious, be expended on an herb, of all others, most obnoxious? How Time weeps▪ see his tears trickling; his poor decrepit legs declining; his tongue faltering (as one ready to leave you) and then where be your delights ended, how is that interim of your life concluded, when Time shall leave you, that so long bare with you? when your days, as they were employed in smoke, shall end in smoke? Alas! I do pity my children's security, pity them and grieve for them; Nec longè a miseria est, qu●…squis miseratur. Your misery (by a transumed nature) becomes my misery; and while you lose me in smoking, I well-nigh lose myself in sighing. O Niobe, why weptst thou that thou shouldst be so soon deprived of children, since my greatest misery is derived from having children? Thou weptst, not to possess them, I to enjoy them; Contemning their foster mother that first nursed them. I tell them, my tears are continuate; my love intimate; and my end approaching; yet they answer me with hearts obdurate; enmity inveterate; and ends despairing. I offer myself, and they spurn at me; woo them with best of Time's rhetoric, and they despise me; and open the treasures of my heart to them, but they reject them and cashier me. And is not this miserable, to contemn him, cashier him, revile and inveigh against him, without whom they cannot live; without whose breath they cannot grow; and without whose supportance they cannot stand? What have they which I give them not, (or within the course of my hours) that I minister not? Purity of air, to breath; variety of sounds, to hear; fragrancy of savours, to smell; qualities and differences of taste, to relish; Diversity of corpulent substance, to handle; and rarities, with dissundered store of varieties, to behold. And do these bounties deserve no requital? Do these gifts merit no recompense? Must these ample and indefinite beauties and bounties receive no thanks? must this 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, that graceful remuneration, established by the Persians: that, whosoever should be readier to receive than give, was to be punished with extreme censure, be thus wrapped up in forgetfulness? I have long expected substances, and am I paid with smoke? a sweet Incense! an excellent satisfaction! More guerdon do I receive of my love from the sleeping Dormouse, than 
Vid Plin▪ in Nat Hist. Aelian. & ibid.  the smoking Gallants; she sleeps but all Winter, but this Man i'th' Mist smokes it all the year long: he proportions his nose, like the Elephant's snout; and to make himself more terrible, like another Aetna, steams Vapour and terror out of his nose. Sure this is none of my Boy! I sent him not into the world smoking, but shrieking; and now as soon as he came peeping into the world, to fall a piping; he doth not that for which he was sent hither. Well; if this be the fruit of thy long education, the end of my travail, and the period of my care, I must seek out some other children, that will employ their time better, and make use of my bounties with more circumspection. O Lord, that Diogenes had come in those days with his Lantern and Candle at noon day, he should have found many at their Candle without Lantern, but none of those he sought for, good men. Alas! where may Time find those rare Phoenixes, those white Crows, black Swans, those mirrors of mortality? the 
Nihil quod natum est, errat.  Grecians Axiom was: 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉; nothing that ever was, ever erred; but 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, now shall be changed into 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, for all things now claim privilege in error; and yet what avails it thee poor Time, to weep? thou mayst sooner change thyself into Marble with Niobe, than dissolve the marble hearts of thy children with thy remorseful tears. Virtue feldome mounts, but Vice is ever mounting; Passion may show thy grief, but the extent of grief (much I fear it) will not minister a 
Agn●…sco (inquit) 〈◊〉 Ca●…thaginis.  remedy. As when Annibal, seeing his brother's head thrown into his Tents, cried out: Now do I behold the misery of Carthage! so when I behold that Tawny-faced Aethiopian stand out pictured with a Pipe in▪ his hand, to entice the poor passenger, may I justly cry out; Now do I behold the misery of the world; the corrupter of Cities; the depraver of youth; the dotage of Age; the dissolution of all! And this grief is no less than any other to me: when I see Pipes made occasions of discourse; where nothing relisheth, nothing the lighteth without them: O, how Idleness hath erected a throne for her to sit in; and in majesty triumphs over the labours of poor men! O bane of youth, why darest thou usurp the authority of a sovereign, that 〈◊〉 at best, but a Vassal to the Devil; a deluder of Novices with smoke and vanity; a dissolver of states; a weakener of spirits; an enfeebler of strength; an effeminator of youth; and a besotte●… of Age? why shouldst thou in thyself be so imperious, that art to all States so generally pernicious? Shall that issue which I have bred and brought up in more generous discipline, in more heroic affairs: not in smoke▪ but in the consideration of themselves; not in the expense of idle hours, but in the contemplation of that sovereign end whereto they must of necessity come (or be miserably excluded;) employ their time (which time they borro●… but of me) in vanity●… leaving their best and sovereignest delights, to follow their own fantastic humours? have they no other means to bestow that little remainder of time which is yet behind, but in those vanities which abridge their time, contract their days, and make me miserable in the eternal discomfort of my children? Remains there nothing now for all my time of labour in nurturing them, who have been odious to that Power from whence I descended? Ungrateful to me, by whom they were relieved? and worst to themselves, by whom they have perished? I say, remains there nothing for my labour in nurturing them, but tears of continuate affliction? motives of perpetuate distraction (and remediless) being hopeless of their conversion? I was to them a second Nature, by my nurture pamphering them with my delights; without occasion of surfeit; cherishing them with my essential Cordials of comfort; and teaching them mannagements of Arms, all oppositions to discomfit; and yet how soon may valour be turned to effeminacy, resolution to cowardice, and discreet government (in a hopeful infancy) to a distemporate diet, by giving the reins of liberty? But I see the cause! while they lived under Time's tuition; and were observant of his worth; they answered Times hopes, making a virtuous age succeed a virtuous birth: Then were they reigned and ●…estrained; but now giving winds to their sails, they aspire higher, and must taste of an herb that equals the aspiring of their minds. O, let time move you to a better and maturer aspiring▪ not ●… smoky suffrage of popular praise; not the vain Consorts of house-wasting Rakehells: but to take hold of me, now while you may possess me. I am wilful, if you be neglectful: I have no hair behind, as you see: take me then by the forelock, and make use of opportunity. Time is a precious jewel that must be sought after, if obtained; feeke after me then, while I may be obtained. This Age (I know) hath many inducements to draw you from me, many allurements to seduce you: but shall your father, even the Dial of your youth, and the Haven of your Age, shall ●…e (I say) lose that excellence which was created, and at first ordained for him? Must your Winter (which seldom brings forth either flower or fruit) be reserved for Time; when your Spring, Summer, and Autumn have been consumed in the loss of Time? When Theseus came to the Temple of Delphos, he offered the first fruits of his hair to Apollo; making the forepart of his head to be shaved, that he might take away all occasion of discomfiture from the Enemy (as Homer writes of the Aba●…ts.) Offer then your first fruits, your first endeavours, and first intentions, to the use and service of time; that in the survey of your readiness, he may minister to you with all cheerfulness. Believe times words! it is not the swarty-chopt Tobaccodrugge, that will yield you content in the expense of your time: You may smoke it long ere you better your own discourse, or make your Accounts even, which Time expects at your hands. A whole ounce of Tobacco will hardly purchase one dram of wit: Repentance is the best fruit you shall reap out of such an unsavoury herb. Art thou yet reclaimed, or art thou hardened? If the one, Time shall entertain thee with his blessing: if the other; Time will bid thee farewell, but farewell thou canst not; being relinquished, and utterly forsaken by Time. I am yet staying here in the street for thee: answer me but with hope, that thou wilt come, and thou wilt revive poor Time, that droops with despair of thy return. Yet, Spissum verbum est amanti, veniet: I pray thee foreslow not my hopes, frustrate not my expectance, but satisfy my love; Never did pleasures with all their appearance, so much affect thee, nor any temporary delights so well deserve thee: Come then quickly to him that doth both love thee, and hath well deserved thee: Odit, nec patitur moras amor: That love which proceeds from the heart, hates delays with her heart; but where love is dissembling, there love without offence may be delaying. How long have I observed thee yonder smoking, and was doubtful whether thou wert (as thou seemedst) a man, or that Beast, which the natural Historian talks off, that sends out nought but fire? In, I durst not come to thee; for I doubted, if I had remembered thee of my abuse, I should have been spurned and spurted at for my labour; Thou art too great to be put in mind of thy errors: but the time will come (Et nesci●… citius an facilius) when thou wilt wish with briny eyes, relenting heart, and all attendants of a passionate and distracted soul, thou hadst received my instructions, attended to my advertisements, and made Use of my Cautions. I will therefore, with this public and irrevocable Edict, summon three main infringers of my Will, contemners of myself, and corrupters of the Age: my summons shall serve for my last warning; if they return no more to those Stygian-shops; those Cimmerian hovels of darkness, I will remit their former errors; if (in despite of my summons) they continue in the height of their Flaming vanities, their smoky Impostures, Time shall whip those three stigmatical Catolounes to death, cutting them down like Mugweedes, with the Sith of Fate: Those three majestic Tobacco-nosers, Captain WHIFF, Captain PIPE, and Captain SNUFFE. And first for Captain WHIFF.   

To Captain WHIFF.  
YOu Captain, that glory in your Art of vanity, making a high Roadway 'twixt your mouth and your guts, (and with a cunning retreat) bringing it back same way it came; you, that set up bills for your Novice to read; as thus: Whosoever will be Disciplined, or Matriculated in the Art, Science or Mystery of Tobacco-whiffing, let him subscribe his name, the place of his being; and Captain Whiff: will be ready there to attend his young masterships pleasure, with the profoundst of his skill. O my impudent Shark, Art thou fled from thy Captain, & dar'st thou now usurp the name of Valour? Thou: that durst not smell Gunpowder art now turned Tobacco-whiffer? For thee, if there were no Time, yet there would remain some few Minutes reserved, to commend thee to a halter, for thy flight from thy Captain. I myself will present thee for altogether; thou shalt not only be hanged (I would have thee mark me) before the eye of the world; but I will have thee begged for an Anatomy, that thy Entrails▪ (like Tamerlaines black Bannaret) may hang for Trophies in honour of Captain Whiff, and his thrice-puissant, and thrice-renowned Profession. Having brought thee to be this Anatomy, I will leave thee.   

To Captain PIPE.  
YOu Captain Pipe (because your name is good) and many Pipes we need in this our flourishing Troynovant, for conveyance of that pure Element water into our City. You I say, shall be employed in conveying of water, (because you have been ever used by men which frequented those Alleys) to those despicable and forlorn creatures, those diseased Gally-foists of Turnbull, Picke-hatch, Ram-Allie, and other Suburbane-traders, that in contempt of Virtue, make a Contract with Hell. This (though it be no work of Charity) yet it is as good a work as is expected of thee Captain: thou wert once the Gallants Pander, bear now the Whores Tankard: Where I will leave thee.   

To Captain SNUFFE.  
Captain snuff, it may be you will take it in snuff, if Time tell you wherein you err: but best is, as I am indifferent for thy hate, I am secure for thy power: Renounce the Devil, (Captain) be not fired before thy time: be respective (as thou art a Captain) of thine honour; and take heed thou taste not, for thy Tobacco, Brimstone and Sulphur: I would not have thee snuff at mine instructions; for I may, and with unamated front must tell thee, that I have contested with a man of as great worth, and of far more grace, it may be. The higher Cedar (if faulty) deserves the rougher censure. Opposition to the malevolent disposition, is my recreation. Now it may be, that in some drunken passion thou wilt swear to stab me, what wilt thou gain by it? where wilt thou be, when Time has no being? Let not my precepts move thine indignation, but thy conversion: for thy threats, Time never feared them (though spoken by valour) much less by an indiscreet Ass, that is carried away with choler.  
Now for my Pipe-invective; if it drive thee into a fume, from a fume to a flame, my heart is hoofed; may thy gall with fume be seared, thy guts with the flame be scorched, my firework will be secured, though with paper-squibs only sconced.  
If Time should pray for thee, I think thou wouldst not thank me; yet I will offer a few orisons up for thee, for I doubt thou canst offer none for thyself. Leave me that s●…uffing, and fall to sighing; thou art near thy grave, and then thou shalt be smoked for thy vain time▪ Receive my tears, 
Thus still (me thinks) I hear poor Time complain, And chide her Brats, for being so profane.  as testimonies of my love (for ill is that nature that sends them forth in hate:) mean time, these succinct Cautions I dedicate, as remembrances to all the world; that when Time shall surcease to be, and shall leave them, Timeless Eternity may afterwards crown them.   

TIMES remembrances to the world.  
LIve in the world, as if thou meantst to leave it, being indifferent of loving it, and resolved to despise it.  
In honour, seek it not; for seldom is honour sought by deserts: if she may by direct courses be purchased, & without appearance of thine own seeking, receive her: Gold should be taken, if offered. In riches, be not so prodigal, as thine own expense may breed want; or so miserable, as thou canst not use thine own. In life, prepare for death: in time, for eternity of time; that when thy being is expired here, thou mayest live ever elsewhere. In eminent places, let not the object of Earth darken thine eye for Heaven: for Time had rather be a poor sojournour twixt Earth and Heaven, than by being great on Earth, lose my portion of greatness in Heaven.  
In thy rising, look to the stairs of thine ascending: if the foundation be desert, thou mayest (perhaps) continue longer; but if desertless high, I fear Ph●…tons pride will be thy censure. Set an hourglass ever beside thee, and weep at every drop of sand that falls; for every drop of sand abridges of the number of thy days: wish not thine hourglass soon spent, unless thy fervency in desire of dissolution, take thee from the thought of mortality, to the consideration of glory. Happily are thy desires extended, if thus disposed; and Time, which in thy happy expense of Time did love thee, shall in thy possession of Eternity, leave thee.   

NEPENTHIACI Naenia: OR, MUSAEUS Elegy.  

Ista liquescens pluvia, lavet peccati diluvia.  
DRe●…ch thy dry soul in rivulets of tears;  
Em●…athe thy panting heart in floods of grief;  
Enhearse thy sable soul in lasting fears;  
Enroll thyself amongst all mourners chief:  
Water thy bed with pe●…etentiall showers,  
And for wild weeds bring forth delicious flowers.  
" For never did the Sun yet shine upon  
" That wretch, who sinned more than thou hast done.   
FINIS.   

In a little Tract, entitled Tobacco: 
TOBACCO.  published by especial direction of the Author upon his deathbed, dedicated to Humphrey King, one well experienced in the use, benefit, and practice of that herb, and printed for Will. Barlow (with Tobacco Arms) then keeping shop in Gracious street: we have collected these observations.  

The divers●…ie of names given to this Herb.  
THis Herb with the French hath been most known by the name of Nicotiana, from Mounsieur Nicot a Frenchman, Ambassador to the King of Portugal, who sent this herb first into France.  
Others have called it, Queen mother's herb; for that when Mounsieur Nic●…t had sent it, commended to her, she first planted it.  
Others there want not, which call it Petum Masculine, though far different in quality and effect, from that the Portugals and Spaniards have called Petum Feminine.  

* The sovereign quality of this herb, may be gathered from the very radical derivative of it: drawn from the observance of a most judicious and accomplished Knight, one, whose personal worth gives an ●…minent addition to his noble birth: For 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in the Hebrew signifies ●…onum, and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in Greek, Remedium; implying, that it is a good remedy against any malady.  Tobacco first sent from Florida to Portugal, by the testimony of Mounsicur Nicot, a serious and exact searcher of ancient Records.   

The Authors which have most amply writ of it.  

two Frenchmen. 

Charles Stephen,  
john Liebault,    
Aegidius Eurartus, and  
Monardes', a Spaniard.    

The effects or operations of it.  
MOunsieur Nico●… finding sundry sovereign qualities in it, amongst other cures applied it to a Noli me tangere, and cured it. His Patient was Countess of Ruff, having her face perished with a wart.  
The like experiments were done by Iarnick●… Governor of Rochel; reporting at a solemn feast, how by distilling this Tobacco, mixed with the juice of another little herb, casually found in the wood, he had cured one extremely pained with the Asthma.  
It hath healed these diseases; the Wolf, Canker, King's Evil, all old sores, wounds, Tetters, broad biles, pricking of the Fish called Vives (the nature of whose touch is to procure infinite bleeding, even to death:) the Gout being rubbed in the infected place with oil-olive, and afterwards by applying warm leaves of Tobacco, hath been much allayed.  
It hath cleared the sight, and cured one long languishing in a consumption, which I could instance in a Lady of good account, at this day living.  
Aegidius Eurartus▪ in his Discourse De herba Panac●…a, writeth, how a certain woman had given her Cat a very strong poison; when the poor Cat was in that taking, that she could not stand with dizziness, and strove to void forth the poison in vain; the woman remembering herself, found means to open her jaws, and making a little ball of bruised Tobacco, mingled with butter, to make it go down the better, thrust it into her mouth, and so swallowing it down, within a short time she cast up all the poison, and so was saved.  
It will cure all pimples, carbuncles, and other red excrements, called Alebuttons.  
The Spaniards report, that the Indians, after their labour and travel, drink unmeasurably Tobacco; which not only refresheth them, and takes away their weariness, but makes them apt and prompt to business.   

The description of it.  
THis herb in form much resembleth Consond●…. The figure or Proportion of it, you shall find drawn in the same Tract.  
The main stalk of Tobacco groweth upright, and big in proportion, his leaves are velveted, and are in growth bigger and larger at the stalk than towards the end of the leaf; resembling the plain form, figure, or feature of any other leaf not ragged nor indented, save that you shall have some leaves broader and larger than both your hands, and in length▪ as much as three hands breadth.  
The flower of the Tobacco is much like the flower of Niel; sometimes yellow, and sometimes of a Carnation colour, and sometimes in form like a Bell.  
And when it casteth the flower, it leaves the former proportion, & taketh the semblance of an Apple; in which you may find the seeds enclosed very small, appearing not much unlike to jusquiasme seeds, which are yellowish: but when they grow toward their full ripeness, than they appear more near to a black.   

The convenientst season for sowing it.  
FOr the time of sowing it in England; I agree rather with Monardes' then these two, who say it is best sowing it in the midst of April; but I would rather hold it better to sow it in March, for the same occasion that Monardes' writeth: howbeit, Stephen and Liebault write, that the Spaniards and Indians sow it after harvest.   

The convenientst season for gathering it.  
Lo Suavius wills that we should gather the leaves in the month of july; and then bruise and distill them in a double Limbeck, with two Emissories or Spouts of glass, and keep this a year: for (saith he) this received to the quantity of an Ounce, for the increasing of health in a sick or waterish stomach, is most effectual.   

The convenientst Soil for increase of it.  
THe best place wherein it will most prosper, and be naturally planted in our countries, is, where the Sun shineth most; and if it be possible, against some wall, which may defend it from the North-wind, which is an infinite enemy to this herb; being so tender in stalk, nature and quality, as it may endure no distemper, nor extremity.  
It is hot and dry in the second degree; 
Thus have I proved TOBACCo good or ill; Good, if rare taken; Bad, if taken still.  and consequently of a purging quality; but fit for persons of all degrees, upon necessity.   
FINIS.   

TIMES Sonnet.  

SWeet Youth, Smoke not thy time,  
Too precious to abuse;  
thoust fitter feats to choose:  
What may redeem that prime,  
Thy SMOKING AGE doth loose?   

Good Oldman, eye thy Glass,  
See, how those Sands do fall!  
None can agraine recall:  
Old hours do quickly pass,  
Shall SMOKE consume them all?   

Love's Lady, whom Sun, Wether,  
Yea, the least airy touch,  
(Complexion it is such)  
May taint; cinge not your feather,  
TOBACCO may do much.   

Shun SMOKE, East, West, North, South,  
LOVES LADY, OLD MAN, YOUTH.     

CHAUCER'S incensed Ghost.  

FRom the frequented Path where Mortals tread,  
Old-aged CHAUCER having long retired,  
Now to revisit Earth at last desired,  
Hath from the dead raised his impaled head,  
Of purpose to converse with human seed,  
And tax them too, for bringing him o'th' Stage  
In writing that He knew not in his age.   

'Las; is it fit the stories of that Book,  
Couched and compiled in such a various form;  
Which Art and Nature jointly did adorn,  
On whose acquaint Tales succeeding ages look,  
Should now lie stifled in the steams of Smoke,  
As if no Poet's Genius could be ripe  
Without the influence of Pot and Pipe?   

No, no, ye English Moo●…s, my Muse was fed  
With purer substance than your Indian weed;  
My breathing Nostrils were from Vapours freed,  
With Nectar and Ambrosia nourished,  
While Hospitality so flourished  
In Great men's Kitchens: where I now suppose,  
Less Smoke comes from their Chimneys than their nos●….   

But I hear some prepared to question me,  
The reason why I am so freely bend  
In such sad strains to publish my complaint;  
Or what strict Mamothrept that man should be,  
Who h'as done Ch●…ucer such an injury;  
Whose tongue, though weak, yet is his heart as strong,  
To call them to account that did him wrong.   

I'll tell it ye, and must expect redress;  
Would any of you hold it not a blot  
To father such a Brat he never got?  
Or would he not ingenuously confess,  
he'd rather wish himself quite issueless?  
Conceive this well; for if it be a crime,  
As sure it is, such is the case of mine.   

Down by a secret Vault as I descended,  
Penned in with darkness save some little ray,  
Which by a private cranny made his way,  
By help whereof I saw what me offended,  
Yet found no means to have the fault amended.  
Fixed to a Post, (such was poor Chaucer's lot)  
I found my name to that I never wrote.   

And what might be the Subject? no relation  
Sad, solid, serious, moral, or divine,  
Which sorted with the humours of my time,  
But a late Negroes introduced fashion,  
Who brought his Drugs here to corrupt our Nation.  
Against which, because it's used in excess,  
My Muse must mount, that she may it suppress.   

Now some may well object, as many will,  
This Task adds rather glory to my name,  
Than any way seems to impair the same;  
But I say no; Chaucer would think it ill  
To plant Tobacco on Parnassus' hill;  
Sacred the Synod of the Muses be,  
Nor can such W●…eds spring from Apollo's tree.   

Besides, what danger might Prescription bring!  
For had the use of it been known to me,  
It might have pleaded well antiquity;  
But th' Poets of my time knew no such thing,  
How could they then of such a subject sing?  
No; th'age we lived was formed of milder stuff,  
Then to take aught, like Male contents, in snuff.   

Pure are the Crystal streams of Hippocrene;  
Choice the dimensions which her Bards express;  
Clear is their heart as th' Are which they profess;  
How should they relish then aught that's unclean,  
Or waste their oil about a Smoky dream?  
far be't Minerva should consume her Taper  
In giving life or lustre to a Vapour.   

The 
* Whose pleasing Comments are shortly to be published.  TALES I told, if morally applied,  
How light soe'er, or wanton to the show,  
Yet they in very deed were nothing so;  
For were the mark they aimed at but descried,  
Even in these days they would be verifide;  
And like Sibylla's Oracles esteemed,  
Worth worlds of wealth, how light soe'er they seemed▪   

Witness my Miller, and my Carpenter,  
The amorous stories of my Wife of Bath,  
Which such variety of humours hath;  
My Prior, Manciple, and Almoner,  
My subtle Sumner, and the Messenger;  
All which, though moulded in another age,  
Have raised new Subjects both for Press and Stage.   

Yet note these times disrelishing my tongue,  
Whose Idioms-distaste by nicer men  
Hath made me mince it like a Citizen!  
Which Chaucer holds a manifest wrong,  
To force him leave what he had used so long:  
Yea, he dislikes this polishing of Art,  
Which may refine the Core, but spoils the heart.   

But yet in serious sadness I impute  
This to no fate or destiny of mine,  
But to the barren Brain-wormes of this time;  
Whose Muse less pregnant, present or acute,  
Affording nought that with the age may suit,  
Like to the truant Bee, or Lazy Drone,  
Robb●… other Bee-hives of their honeycomb.   

And which is worse, this Work they make their own,  
Which they have pruned, purged and refined,  
And aptly formed it to the Author's mind;  
When I'm assured, if the truth were known,  
They reap the Crop which was by others sown.  
Yea, these usurpers to that pass are brought,  
They'll foist in that we neither said nor thought.   

This, This it was incensed old ●…haucers Ghost,  
And caused him vent his passion in this sort,  
And for a while to leave th'▪ Elysian Court,  
Where honest Authors are esteemed most;  
But such as on the Dedman's Labours boast  
Excluded are, enjoined by Fate to won  
Upon the scorching Banks of Phlegeton.   

Ye then, whose measures merit well the Name  
And Title ye retain, Poets, I mean,  
Bedewed with influence from Hippocrene,  
As ye Professants seem, so be the same,  
And with your own Pens eternize your fame;  
eat these Pipe-Pageants; for there seldom come  
Tobacco-Factors to Elysium.   
FINIS.