STRANGE NEWS OUT OF DIVERS COUNTRIES, Never discovered till of late, by a strange Pilgrim in those parts. The Pilgrims LONDON, Printed by W. jones for George Fayerbeard, and are to be sold at his shop at the Royal Exchange. 1622. TO THE READER. News are more told then true, especially if they come far off; and if they be of State, they are dangerous to meddle with; if of homespun thread, it is held little worth. Stale news are not worth the telling; but a new matter never heard of before, will be harkened after, though they be not worth the hearing: but yet a new thing of small price may be every man's money, especially if it take a liking in the humours of common people. Such ware I have sent to the market, news from a strange country, of strange matters and stranze people, and among all, of one chief Ruler of the unruly. What is to be read and understood, follows in the leaves following; which if your patience will give you leave to peruse, you may find more matter to laugh at, then imitate. Such as it is, I leave it to your censure, and so rest Your wel-wishing friend, B. N. STRANGE NEWS OUT OF DIVERS COUNTRIES, Never discovered till of late, by a strange Pilgrim in those parts. IN a strange Land, never found out till now of late in this present time, there was a kind of people that had great heads and little wits, & strong bodies, but weak hearts. The men were only known by their shapes from monsters, and the women only by their tongues from pictures: the aged spent their time most in weariness, and the youthful in wantonness: their Cities and Towns were of ancient buildings; their houses large within, and without beautiful, many rooms richly furnished, and with many pictures but few people: their gardens and orchards so full of flowers and fruits, and so finely dressed, planted and pruned, and weeded, that it seemed they made their palaces their Paradise: for by their hellish courses it seemed that they thought of no other heaven. Nature being (as it were) the goddess of their worship, when supernatural was too high for their capacities their apparel of diverse colours according to the variety of their humours their Churches like shops, and their wares babbles; their inventions Apish, and their fashions foolish; while their wisdom going no further than the world, kept them from the wealth above the world. Their language more full of eloquence than truth, and their actions of more craft than conscience. Their Priests read a language, that often gavelleth their own understandings; and their Religion is without rule of grace. Their devotion is full of darkness; for they cannot see in the day time without a candle: and their prayers are by the dozen, when if they miss-tell one, they think all the rest lost. And for Saints, they have so many to serve, that the devil will not let them come at God. Meetings they have many, upon small matters. Their music is most in a jews trump, and their dances are all without measure. Feasts they make many times, when their flesh is Gulls, and their fish Gudgeons. The rich are for the most part covetous, and the poor patient: for punishment is much more common than charity. Cuckolds they have in community; for they are not so wise as to account of honesty: and for wittols, they have it grown to such a custom, that it never troubles their conceit. Their wooing is like bargaining; for their purses make their matches: and jealousy so holds in love, as kills the comfort of kindness; when the agents for flesh, break the order of fasting days. Wars they have seldom, and their quarrels most upon the cup; their great Ordinance are Potguns, and their small shot half Cans. Their fields are commonly cellars, where they are so overcome with kindness, that their forces are all overthrown. When they are to travel, they have horses, but most of them Hobbies, which commonly they buy at Fairs for small prices: and some few Hackneys, that are such T●●s, that they will start at every Butterfly, and fall down ere a man be well mounted. Their riding is without spurs; for their Nags are willing enough for their way. Asses they have many, which bear great burdens; and when they have laboured them all day, they walk them at night; and they feed them poorly. Their dogs are commonly little ones, and they are most of them called Fancies, which when they grow old they knock them on the heads. cattle they have store, and most of them Cowes; for there is hardly a house without a Calf: and Swine a world; for every Sty hath a Sow or two in her. Birds they have many, but their chief pleasure is in Wagtails, that are pretty fowls, and ever piddling in water plashes. Cuckoos they have great store, but they sing only in May; and Parrots very many, that talk strange things in their languages: and Cock-sparrows so many, that they can scarce find Hens for their treading. Ducks and Geese in abundance, and they breed out of measure. Other birds they have, as Tittimice and Robin Redbreasts, Larks and Buntings, which were often carried to the markets, and bought for small prices. Ringdoves they had many, but Turtles very few. Exercises they have many but chiefly wrestling, when they have more foils then fair falls. Sometime they use riding of the wild Mare, shooing of the Goose, and sho●ting at the Conie. Hunting they use little, but to find a Hare at squat, a Do at lair, a Fox in a snare, a Mouse in a trap, a Woodcock in a springe, or a Blackbird in a pitfall. Some strange tricks they have to get money with, as to make a Beggar speak like a Lord, a Fool like a wise man, a Cobbler like a Captain, and a boy like a wench; but that is but for a time; for when the date of the letter is past, the counterfeit is conceived, and the Metamorphosis returneth to his own shape. When there are any burials, they mourn much; for the youthful, because they die so soon; for the aged, because they lived so long: for the wise, because there is so few left; and for the foolish, because they want company: for the rich, that they had no more for them, and for the poor, that they might have prayed for them: wives for their husbands, because they are unprovided of new; husbands for their wives, because seldom comes the better: parents for children, because of the loss of hope of their goodness; children for their parents, for loss of hope of the more goods. But their mournings were not long, for they lasted not so long as their apparel; for out of sight, out of mind; and they knew they must live by the living, and not by the dead. The mony-men are very covetous, for they will not lose the scraping of a kettle; and the women are very miserable, for when they make broth, though it be very thin, they will not lose the dropping of their noses. For the young things, they are as wanton as kitlings, for they will play with a mouse, till they have wearied her of her life: and for the aged, they are so melancholic, that the youthful have no pleasure in them. For Lovers, they are so foolish that they will weep if they have not their wills; but if the Groom get his Bride, he will so prank it, and she so prinke it, that while it is honey Moon there will be such joy, as if Summer should never hear of Winter. Languages they have not many, and few that speak one well: and for learning, it is most in observation; for as the Gander goes, the Geese follow. Their husbandry is most in turning up of fat earth; and their corn is Rye and Oats, which they sow in the Spring, and reap in the Fall. Diseases they have not many, for labour sweats out ill humours but for their women they are full of qualms, especially when they have declined with the masculine gender. Their traffic is much for trumpery, and if they save their stocks whole, they think they have made a good market. Their Adventures are fearful, for they endanger the body for the soul: and their minds are so fantastic, that their wits are like weathercocks. Friendship they regard not, but take it as they find it: and for love, it is so light, that they know not how to take hold of it. They have among them certain Fortune tellers, which use commonly among fools: and for knaves, they are so cunning, that they go under the shadow of honest men. Some odd shavers they have among them, called Die Doppers, whose diving or dopping sometimes proves deadly; for they will dive so closely into your pocket for your purse, that you can hardly see them till they be upon the gallows. Other kind of close mates there are, that carry Rings in their mouths, to keep their tongues within their teeth; and they are called Squires, but they are only of the order of the Apple: their names are often recorded in a Court of Correction, where the Registrer of Rogues makes no little gain of Rascabilians. Other kind of subtle companions there are, which are called Setters, which finding young heads that are too narrow in the brows, will feed their humours with such follies, as may either bring them to beggary, or in the height of an idle brain, for words above wit, break the backs of their estates, or send them to heaven in a string. Now these, they say, are great with the Devil, for they do a great deal of mischief in the world: their names are only found in the notes of destruction, for by their hellish courses they sell themselves to damnation. Other kind of knick-knackers there are, which betwixt knave and fool can make an ill-favoured passage through the world. Scholars they have many, that are perfect in the home-book, who when they were young, were taught their crosse-row, and to spell and put together, before they could well read. They had moreover a kind of Rhymers, which were great proficients to the Players and Pedlars, which are the fools of Poets, for they taste little of Poetry, more than the last two letters: but for the pot, they may well challenge that badge, for it is the maintainer of their Muses. Now among all these, they have a kind of Naturals, which get the start of better wits, for they are provided for the back and the belly, without care or labour; and sometime have access where better brains are barred out: and if they be she-fooles, they are kept fine and cleanly, to come and play with children and aged people. But among all these, it is set down▪ that there is one great fool of their own choosing, that for a certain time hath the commandment of most part of them, who during his time may do very much in little matters; who with his copesmates, having in his hand the staff of small strength, and willing to show the greatness of his little wit, for to make a Stable of his government, to the subjects of his Supernoditie, set down certain Articles to be observed and carefooly to be looked unto, as they would answer it at their pleasure, and those scarce worth the printing; yet were to be read in Markets, Fairs, Wakes, and merry meetings, upon such days as should be thought fit for such a purpose. First, that no sword should be carried before any of his Magistrates, for all should be obeyed for good fellowship. Secondly, that no man without legs should have arms, lest a coat without sleeves should make a jack an Apes a Gentleman. Thirdly, that no man should keep two men in one Livery, lest the coat should not be fit when it came to wearing. Fourthly, that no man should blush at the telling of a lie, because it was more common than truth. 5. No man must commit any secrets to a woman, lest it burst her heart before she have revealed it. 6. No man must kneel to a dead image, while there is one alive for the purpose. 7. No man must go on foot if he may ride, lest his horse be foundered in the stable. 8. No Landlord must let his trees grow too long, lest they prove dotards. 9 No widow must be afraid to marry, because one man may be like another. 10. No man must die for love, lest a Goose graze on his grave. 11. No man must deny his neighbour's Goose his Gander, for fear of wanting Goslings at Goose Fair. 12. No tradesman must be idle, for fear his wife be oue●busie● in providing for implements. 13. No Seaman must keep his frigate untrimd, lest she lose the opportunity of a good voyage. 14. No man must be jealous of his wife, for fear it should not be without cause. 15. Every child should know is own father, if he could. 16. Every woman should know her husband from another man, if she liked him. 17. No foul woman should wear any Mask, for fear of abusing the hope of beauty. 18. No fair woman should be painted, lest Art should put down nature. 19 Every woman must keep close her husband's secrets, for fear of losing the comfort of her knowledge. 20. Women must be honoured for their wit, when they make fools of the wisest men. 21. Women must be pited for their travel, for they take more pains in bearing of one child, than a man doth in getting of twenty. 22. No man must be too learned, for fear he be thought to conjure. 23. No man must be too wise, lest he be troubled with too many fools. 24 No man must marry a scold, for fear he disquiet his neighbours, and be put to the height of his patience. 25. No man must lend any money, to think ever to have it again. 26. No man must borrow more than he can pay, for fear of the loss of liberty and credit. 27. No man must meddle with an Usurer, for fear that interest eat out the whole stake. 28. No man must grow inward with a thief, for fear of execution after infection. 29. No man must build castles in the air, for fear they break his neck in the falling. 30. No man mustly open his wife's secrets, lest she commit them rather to a wise friend then a foolish husband. 31 No man must leave an old friend for a new, for fear he lose by the exchange of his credit. 32 No wise man must marry a fool, lest she waste his goods, and corrupt the perfection of his capacity. 33 Beggars must keep from the Alehouse, for fear they drink out the revenue of charity. 34. Rich men must not counterfeit poverty, lest the thief discover the truth of their dissembling. 35. No man must be wise in his own conceit, lest he prove a fool ere he be aware. 36. No man must talk to himself as he walks, lest he be thought to be mad, or making verses. 37. No Bankrupt must purchase land, lest he be thought to cozen his Creditors with his breaking. 38. No man must converse with a witch, for fear he go to the devil by Attorney. 39 No man must put his land into money, lest the Bankrupt run away with his inheritance. 40. No man must carry two faces in a hood, for fear that the devil be in one of them. 41. No woman must cry when she weeps, lest it be thought more for cursed heart then any other cause. 42. No man must have two wives, lest one prove too much to be well managed. 43. No meetings but for merriment. 44. No bargains but for a bag-pudding. 45. Friends must not fall out. 46. Neighbour's must be friends. 47. Patience was never angry, and quietness was a goodly hearing. 48. Father's darling and mother's noun child, must be brethren and sisters children; and cousin Varmins removed, must trust to the world as they find it. These were the chief Articles agreed upon among his Ninnihammers, which being published among poor fo●l●s, were kept as well as they could hit on it. Now to the purpose, such a Commonwealth for a dog, being governed by Apes and Asses, the great Fool of all must needs be a strange beast, and yet in the shape of a man he walks strangely through the world: and one thing among other he hit on strangely to save charges in charity, he took this order for beggars, that rather than they should lack lodging, they should sit in the stocks, and in stead of alms persuade them to fasting, because abstinence is a fit preparation to prayer. This little worshipful john a Nods, in stead of a mistaken gentleman, hath been in his youth brought up in learning how to read ill-favouredly, and to write worse, and yet with much ado, after his schoolemistris an old woman with spectacles had taught him his Primer, and the Clerk of a country Church had taught him to write a Copy or two, and put his name to a bill Lobligatorie, he grew to such a delight in reading of Ballads and hearing of old stories, that he bought at the second hand out of the Library of little learning, some few books of his mother's language, which having kept long in an old chest did now serve him for his Library: which books sometime ass he was able to find idle time, which at the best is little better, he would now and then take out of his course cabinet, and read by peece-meales as it came into his addle brain: the names whereof, as I found them set down, were these, I mean chiefly those whom his little understanding took most pleasure in: Precedents of Imperfections, News of no importance, and Labour in vain. And first for Precedents of Imperfections: He that would put out his eyes, because he would see no vanities, would be a blind man, and so an imperfect man. He that would cut out his tongue, because he would tell no untruth, should be a dumb man, and so an imperfect man. He that would cut off his hands, because he would take no bribes, should be a lame man, and so an imperfect man. And as of men, so of women. A maid is no perfect woman, because without the help of man, she is only called a Maid, and not a woman. A widow is an imperfect woman, because with the loss of her man, she loseth the title of a woman, and is only called a widow, but not a woman. A barren woman is no perfect woman; for a woman was created to increase an multiply: till therefore she have brought forth children, she is an imperfect woman, except the fault be in the man, and then he is an imperfect man, to put such imperfection upon a woman. A whore is no perfect woman; for every woman is either a maid, a wise, or a widow; and being neither of these, she must needs be a monster, and so an imperfect woman. A painted woman is no perfect woman, for all women by nature are either fair or foul: but if an artificial fair be set upon a foul complexion, it makes but a speaking picture, and a picture is no perfect woman. These and such like were his Precedents of imperfections, which for his poor instruction he would take some idle humours to bestow his blind sight upon. The next book was entitled, News of no importance, which I found set down as followeth. First, in the Gulf of small grace, near to the coast of Comgligrande, upon the fourteenth day of the fifteenth month, in the strange year of foul weather, it is said, that in the passage boat between Verola and Gon●ria, two dangerous places for infection, the boat entering into the Lake of Lasciviousness, a very unwholesome harbour, with overcharging the vessel, perished a great number of poor people, who bringing but common ware to the market, and their greatest losses being Asses and galled Hackneys it seemed there was no great miss of them, for I find nothing worthy nothing written of them, and therefore being News of no importance, they served only for a tale of a tub, to exercise the brains of such a Hogshead. Secondly, from the land of Vnluckinesse, in the city of Sinfulness, it was reported that Sir Henry had land, Sir Lawrence little wit, and Sir Ninnie nothing worth, three Knights of the Order of Saint-Asse, men of infamous memory, after that they had run through the courses of expenses, without ever hope of recovery of either coin or credit, going in the gulf of Canavery, to see a Bear hunt a wild duck, fell by chance into a But of Malligo, where they were drowned horse and foot: what became of their Funerals, or Epitophs upon their deaths, having no matter in their lives to be recorded, I can say nothing, but that the News being of no great importance, it is no matter for their passage out of life, but for fear of their passage to no better; and so let them go, and as many fools as will follow them. Thirdly, in the Island of Saint Elf, the great Lady of little worth, which was no less kind to her neighbours, then ready to entertain strangers, and for her recreation had set up many Maypoles in diverse places near to her dwelling place. Now for her diet, she used most to feed upon such morsels as most fitted her appetite, especially such nourishing meats as best agreed with the constitution of her complexion; when in an idle humour one evening she was so busy with a Lobstart, that with a surfeit upon the same, she fell quezie stomached, and so inflamed her blood, that she grew fantastic, and in a few nights after set many of her Maypoles on fire, and in a little time after, with the extremity of passion, fell into the Falling sickness, which in a short time brought her carcase into a consumption, and so in a few days after into her last lodging in the earth: but for any great memorial of her, I read nothing, but that in her life time she had the breaking up of youth, who since her death have continued their course to their utter condemnation; but since that for any matter of great note, more than that she was a notorious piece of pedlars stuff, the news being of no importance, it is no matter what became of her. 4. In the valley of Saint Grineums, the great Lord of Lo●zie bush, venturing to ride late in the night, and not seeing his way, fell into a deep bog, where he was so bemired, that with a cold after a heat, he caught such a relapse, as that many of his copartners in his passages were greatly afraid that he would fall into a consumption both of body and goods: a great infirmity, and hardly to be helped. But hearing no matter of worth in the man, nor any thing, but that he lived in all unworthiness, and died nothing worth; the news being of no importance, it is no matter what became of him, only as a Lord of Langdebie●e, let him be well boiled, and served in a mess of Bruesse at a beggar's table, and so let him go. 5. From the coast of Careaway near the Cape of ill Hope, there came news of a little Knight of great valour, Sir Walter whet whistle, who was of that force, that whosoever encountered with him, if he stood long with him, in the end he was overthrown Now there dwelled near him one Sir Dogbolt Driebread, who did oftentimes make a road into his country, and upon a time set upon him with all his Forces, thinking at unawares to surprise with him; of which an evil neighbour to them both, Sir Swine's head Great swallow having intelligence, with his army came upon them both, and so stoutly followed his fortune, that he took them both prisoners in the field, and made them both Tributaries to his greatness. Whether the news be true or no, it is of no importance, and therefore only fit for the great Fool to feed his humour withal. 6. In the unknown Island, some twelve thousand miles from the great Bay of Port de Povero, where the watery monsters keep their Court under water, it is reported, that in that Land were great store of flesh, but little wholesome for the use of man, saving only Hares and Coneys, which well dressed would now and then serve the turn for a strong stomach: For most of their other beasts were Foxes, Wolves, and Badgers and Polecats, which were the spoil of many young Lambs and sucking Rabbits, yea and sometime of elder Game. They had also in that country great store of Fowl and birds of diverse feathers, but few of them wholesome or toothsome, as Daws, Rookes, Crows, Night ravens, Shrich Owls, Cormorants and Gulls, which feed upon Lambs, Rabbits, Mice, Worms, Fish, Carion and Garbage, but few of them whose flesh was fit to be served at any Table of account; but among many other Feathered creatures, they had many bald Buzzards which fed much upon Titrimice and hedge sparrows, which were no sooner out of the hedge, but they would be upon them, and sometime so overgorge themselves with them, that with foul feeding and overfeeding, they would fall flat on their backs, with their heels upward, so weak and faint, that every Crow might have a pick at them. Now the Traveller into that country, who brought the news from thence, being unhappily by ill weather cast upon that coast, and finding little or nothing to trade for, that might give him hope of any gain, having upon a cold night lain watching at a Coniborough, and scarce well, and weary, in the morning making haste to get on board, with a fit gale for his purpose, put out of an ill harbour, and gate roundly to sea, and safely returned home again, saving that he got such a numbness in his joints and stiffness in his elbows, that he could scarce put his hand to his head, to take off his hat at the delivery of his travel Of which hearing nothing worth any thing, being of no great importance, I found it served only for an idle Fool, to fit the great humour of his little wit. 7. In the Island of A Merricat, under the Equinoctial line, in the Straits of Margerian in a swift current between the Lake Maudelina and the mouth of the river of Allitia, by reason of certain unwholesome vapours that arose out of certain Sulphurous mines near unto the sea, diverse passage-boates perished, or grew so rotten, that if any of the passengers made shift to get home again, though with loss of their ware, and danger of their lives, yet neither they nor the vessels were ever fit for any good employment, or to any service of worth; but being likely that either they were old vessels that could abide no foul weather, or some small Barks that were swallowed up in some swelling billows, since the certainty thereof is not yet known, and being doubted that some of them have been hotly shot at betwixt wind and water, till the return of the next Gazette, there is little to be said to it; and being news of no importance, it may pass for a Fable among the like fancies to fit the fancy of such a Foole. 8. From the Desert of Arabia it was reported that the people of that country live strangely, neither by trade nor traffic, fishing nor fowling, nor yet by cheating nor cozening, but by plain thieving; so that betwixt them and the Turks there is such havoc with killing and spoiling, that the poor Friars in diverse places among them or near unto them are in pitiful fear of their lives: a great deal of land they have, but ill inhabited, and Fruit trees but few, and the Fruit very watery, and of little or no good nourishment. They are commonly well horsed, and weaponed for Bows and arrows, darts and swords, but Pieces few or none: and therefore being no matter of importance, the news are not worth the noting, more than that it is a wonder that they should have a King among them, that may be called the King of thieves: For being all outlaws, they must have a strange kind of government, which it should seem is but during pleasure. Now to these and such other toys, he had some odd discourses of Labour in vain, which were not many, but as they came to my hands I have set them down, which were as followeth. 1. In time out of mind, when Beasts and Birds could speak, and winds could whistle wondrous things, there was in a strange country a great bird like an Eagle, that flying up and down in diverse places of the world▪ espied by chance a far off a fair bird like a Phoenix, upon a high rocks, sitting among a number of fair Fowls and sweet singing birds round about her, but she sat in a great majesty above them all: now this other great bird in his pride scorning all birds but himself, and envying the greatness of this fair blessed bird, called a council of his kites together, to find out some device or other, whereby to seek the death and overthrow, not only of her, but of all the goodly Fowls and sweet birds about her. Much talk there was how to bring this matter to effect, and the better to set it on work, before the enterprise was attempted, the great Bird sent out certain Buzzards as spies to flicker about the coast of the country, where the fair bird kept her high flight, who being returned with matter of such majesty, as bred increase of malice in the heart of the proud bird, he standing so much upon his strength, that he thought no bird should be able to bear a feather in his frown, commanded forthwith a number of cages to be made, in which he put a number of Peacocks, woodcocks, Daws, Ravens and Crows, Gulls and Kites, to make war with this fair Bird and her Fowls: which were no sooner put to sea, but a chattering Pie in all places where she flew, cried, Victory, victory: but having passed along the Seas, near the coast, they were encountered with such a flight of brave birds, as put the cages with all their forces to such a flight, as so drove them upon the rocks and sands, that few of them were able to get home, with the hard news of their heavy fortune: but when the great Bird beheld the woeful spectacle of his drooping flight, he fell into such an agony, through a passion in his disgraced pride, finding his labour all in vain, stooped his train, hung down his head, and shortly after turned up his heels. And thus ended his discourse of Labour in vain; a tale of a tub without head or foot: and therefore, like a Fable of the Fox and the Goose, I leave it to the Gander with whom I found it. 2. In the Island of Terra Lorida, a place of great merchandise of small wares, near the chief City of Nullibi, in an universality, in stead of an Vntuersitie, where Scholars were as ill read as taught, there was a deep student in the secrets of Nature, which labouring much to bring all to nothing, wrought day and night for the Moonshine in the water, when having spent both time and means, to work wonders out of imaginations, finding Nature not so subject to Art, but to keep her own power in all properties, when his fire lacked fuel, his eyes were overmatched, and a long hope of great substance went away all in smoke; and while he laboured to marry the Sun and the Moon together, there was such a cloud between his wit and the light of wisdom, that he could effect nothing to his purpose; and that with the stone of Philosophy, many brains had been beaten long, and the head ne'er the better, with a great deal of grief, and little hope of amends, walking one day to the Sea side, and studying how to find out the cause of the ebbing and flowing of the sea, but never able to find it out, saw as it were a vision, or rather some conceited apparition of a man lading of water into a pot, which though it was full and ran over, yet he still laded in water: when this little well learned Scholar wondering at his work, asked him what he meant to do? quoth he, As you do, Labour in vain; and so upon the sudden vanished out of his sight, and left him so perplexed, that with very pity to see the passion of the poor man, I awaked. 3. In the old time when Hobgoblin and Robin good Fellow made country wenches keep their houses clean overnight▪ for fear of walking spirits should get into their chambers, and ere they were aware slip into their beds, and get them with child before morning. In a country village called Lobkin the large, there dwelled a plain dealing man, who with his wife a good breeding creature, with eating of Mummada pudding and the inward of a beast, with the help of a pot of Ale and Ginger, found the means to fill the world with beggars: the poor man having passed many days in no small purgatory with her intolerable tongue, which would call him by many more names than belonged to a Christian, sought all the means to bring that unquiet creature into some more peaceable course, pleased her humour in all he could, but all would not suffice, but an Eios' hawk would ever be prating; but when she was either at jack or at feeding; so this tattling gossip that took a continual pleasure to hear herself speak, though seldom to any good purpose; the poor man so tired out with trying all means he could to stay the ringing of this house bell, and finding his labour all in vain, resolved to put on such a patience as was past all understanding, and to let her talk till she was weary, which could be never while she had breath, and letting her have her swinge till he could no longer suffer it, knowing a day appointed when they should ride to a Wake or a wassail, a merry meeting of gossips and their Assebands, her Mare that she used to ride to market on, being then in the stable and fed with the best hey and oats, to please his Dame, but little to her knowledge kept her from water a day and a night before she was to ride: but when the day came, and she was mounted and upon her way, it fell out that they were to go through a deep river, where the Mare greedy of water to quench her thirst, as almost or rather stronger headed than her Dame, ran into the deep, and stumbling in a hole, floundring out with much ado, threw her into the pool, and with much ado saved herself. When the poor man looking back and not hearing her speak, who all the way before never held her peace, but was ever finding fault with the ill setting of her panel, or the reins of her bridle, or the shooing of her near foot, because she would now and then trip somewhat low, and so with one thing or other be ever finding fault to keep her tongue wagging; but when he could not hear her speak, and seeing only her clothes appear a little in the water, after he had got out his Mare, called for help to get out his Dame, in a manner dead; which being laid on the bank, and the water poured out of her belly by her mouth, she gave three or four gasps, and opened her mouth as if she would have spoken: whereat the poor man affrighted, started, and falling backward, me thought fell upon me, and therewithal I awaked. And thus ended the dream of the Labour in vain, to quiet an unquiet and an intolerable Scold. Now this great Fool had also in his Library, in the bottom of his old chest, certain Poetical, or rather pottical Dreams put into time, but for reason, more than for natural capacities, I find little; yet such as they were, and fitted the humour of his noddle pate, as I found them after his death, left for a Legacy to his cousin's Loblollies, I thought good to set them down in manner and form following. And first, A Dream of a Monkey and a Bee. A Kind of Bee (me thought) did get into a Monkey's ear, Who was more half horn mad to hear her kind of humming there: He picked, he pulled, he clawed, he scratched, he mopt, he mowd, and cried, As if his ugly Mastership would presently have died. But as the Bee came creeping out, he caught her by the wing, Who for his labour in his hand did leave a cruel sting: Wherewith enraged, be eat her up; but yet did feel such pain, He wished his hand were well, and she were in his head again: When such a face the Urchin mads, with such a rueful look, That with a laughter at the jest, I suddenly aw●●ke. A Dream of an Oyster and a Crab. Upon the shore near to the Sea, an Oyster gaping wide, Ley looking for a little food to come in with the Tide: But hard by lay a crawling Crab who watched his time before, And threw a stone between the shells, that they could shut no more. The Oyster cried, Ho neighbours, thieves: but ere the neighbours came, The Crab had murdered the poor fish, and fed upon the same. When wondering that such craft did live with creatures in the deep, With troubling of my brains withal, I waked out of my sleep. A Dream of a Fox and a Goose. A Fox came to a Goose's pen, where she all brooding sat, And like a Gossip sought with her to have some friendly chat: And asked her how she did, and how her swelling grew so much, And he would help her if that he might but her temples touch. I pray, quoth she, put in your head, that I may hear you speak: Yea, thought the Fox, I'll teach the Goose and Gander how to keake. When putting in his head, a dog that closely hidden lay, Did quickly catch him by the snout, and plucked a piece away. When home ran Rainard to his bitch that lurked in his den, And told her that the Goose had bit his nose off in the pen: Out slave, quoth she, get out of doors, dost thou come bleeding hither? And say a Goose bit off thy nose, and bring home near a feather? When laughing at this mad conceit, my thoughts so ran upon, I waked and saw nor Fox nor Goose, but all were fled and gone. A Dream of a jack an Apes, Bulls, Bears and Dogs. ME thought within a Bearards' charge, among the dogs and Bears, A sudden Mastiff set them all together by the ears: The Bear's unmuzzld, dogs unchaind, they fought and roared & cried, Some ran away, and some to death the bloody quarrel tried. The Bearards' scared to hear the noise, came out with clubs and staffs, The Master came out after them, and called them careless slaves: When in among them broke the Bull, in midst of all the fray, And as he met them, with his horns he tossed them every way. The master Berard got him home, away the Bearards' ran, And jack an Apes came only in, to play the gentleman, Who skipping up upon the Bull, so bit him by the ears, That he had more ado with him, than either dogs or Bears: For, to their house the Bears got home, the dogs in kennel couched, And neither dog, nor bull, nor bear, that one another touched: But jack an Apes upon the Bull did so bestir himself, That I awaked with laughing at the knavery of the Elf. A Dream of a Chough, a Pie, and a Parrot. ME thought I saw a Cornish Chough stand chattering with a Pie, Dishuting on their coloured coats, which had the purest die. The Pie she spoke of jet and snow, and pitch, and milk and chalk, Of black as ink, and lily white, and thus her tongue did walk. To whom the Chough replied, who knew what stuff was best to hold; What left would stain, and what would best abide both heat and cold; Spoke only for the Russet coat, which country maiden's ware, Good huswives and good husbandmen, and such as thrifty are: And how it makes the soldier's clothes, and Courtier's winter weed, At lest such as upon their clothes will spend no more than need. But as they thus did chattering stand, a Parrot in a tree, Cried, Ha, hah, hah, ye foolish birds, be still, and look on me: Behold the colours of my coat, how gay I am and fine; Your Russet, and your black and white, are Liveries unto mine. With that the Chough cried, Haw, away, and Magpie chattering, cried, Let us away, this is some witch, or wanton child of pride; Or else some stranger, that so much upon his colours stands, And bring in gauds for giddy heads, to make them sell their lands. With that the Parrot spied a fool, and flew down to his fist. Who stroked her feathers, called her love, and her most kindly kissed. Whereat the Chough in fear or chafe, away did take their flight: And with their stuttring I awaked, and all were out of sight. A Dream of three Cocks and a Hen. ME thought I saw two dunghill Cocks were fight for a Hen, And by them stood a right bred Cock put up within a pen: Their gils were both as red as blood, their heads were both bend down, And neither of them but did bear a cock's comb on his crown: But as they spurred, it seemed their spite was nothing near to death, They struck so seldom, and 'twixt blows they took so long a breath: The Hen did cackle (as it seemed to laugh) to see the sight: When Chaunticleere in chafe to see so base a coward fight, Put open the pen door, and flew out and beat them both away, And trod the Hen, and crowed to show how he did end the fray; And with his Hen he walks and crows with such a lusty cheer, That not a craven Cock durst crow, at least, if he were near. With that the Cock-master came in, or he that kept the pen, took up the Cock and put him up, and shought away the Hen. When to her came the dungbell Cocks when Chaunticleere was gone, Who chucking laughed within his pen, his sport to think upon, And crowa so loud, that with the sound, the Cravens were affright: And I awaked out of my sleep, and all were out of fight. A Dream of a Duck and a Goose. ME thought I saw a little Duck into a brook let loose, Who in his pride did offer to swim wagers with a Goose: The match was made, the Gander keakt to see the Duck so catcht, And thought her but a simple thing to be so ouermatcht; And on they went, but in their way, the Duck with diving skill, When that then Goose did look for her, would be afore her still: The Goose was strong, the Duck was quick and nimble in her art, So much that many a Fowl did fear to take the Goose's part: But ere they came unto the place to win or lose the match, For fear the Duck with some odd craft, the Goose might overcatch, The Gander ran unto the Cranes and Cormorants, and prayed, Before the match was won and lost, the wager might be stayed: Who being sent for, quickly came before the greater birds, Who bade them on their loves and lives, to listen to their word: And that all quarrels might have end, that had been brought in thither, It was agreed the Duck and Goose should kindly swim together: With that the Gander keckt for joy, the Duck as fast did quacke, And I with laughing at the sport, out of my dream did wake. A Dream of a Swan and a Goose. ME thought I saw a fair cock Swan that had a hen Swan such, As if a Swan knew how to love, he could not love too much: For she was fair and smooth and white, and to her cock as true, As any creature of her kind, or any bird that slew: He trod her oft, and had by her a fair and kindly breed, And in the stream they kindly did together swim and feed: But in a misty day by chance a Goose came swimming by, And at the Swan did seem to cast full many a wanton eye: He trod her, and along the stream away with her went he, And left his Hen, a thousand times a goodlier bird than she. But when the owners of the Swans did come their birds to mark, And like good birders kindly knew a Bunting from a Lark: Seeing the Goose swim with the Swan, they took her by the neck, And gave her such a twinge that she scarce able was to keck; They plucked her bare, and cut her wings, and after let her go, And let her Gander ask the cause why she was handled so: But as she swum a buzzard kite did beat at her so sore, That with her keaking I awaked, and saw the Goose no more. A Dream of a Buck casting of his horns. ME thought I saw a gallant Buck had newly cast a horn, Which made him seem a goodly beast when it was bravely borne: And rubbing of the other horn which did disgrace him so, That of a fair and goodly beast, he did ill-favoured grow: He lost the beauty of his head, and his defensive arms, Which both did grace him, and oft times preserve him from great harms. Now as I will beh●ld the Beast, me thought a Keeper came, And said, My friend, now may you see how nature hath her shame, Of beauty and of arms at once to leave him naked so, That now among his gallant mates he hath no heart to go: But if it be such valour be and beauty in a horn, Why should they blush that bear the horn? and have it so in scorn? When smiling at the sudden jerk, and closing of the jest, I waked, and 〈◊〉 it but to be a vision of a Beast. A Dream of a Peacock and an Ass. ME thought I saw within a field, where I along did pass, Two creatures that each other faced, a Peacock and an Ass: The Peacock spread abroad his tail, the Ass set up his ears; The Peacock leered upon his train, the Ass did lick his hairs: But at they thus each other braved, the Ass began to bray, Wherewith the Peacock sore affright did take her flight away; Wherewith the Ass did smile that he his valour did so try, That with a word but of his mouth he made the Peacock fly: But when the Peacock sang his song, he scared so the Ass, That he to go as all amazed, he knew not where he was: But what with tone and tother's noise, they did such music make, That I awaked out of my dream, and glad I was awake. A Dream of a wild Boar and a Huntsman. ME thought within a Forest wide I saw a great wild Boar, Who as the common people said, annoyed the country sore: He broke into their fields of corn, and spoilt their Wheat and Rye, And rooted up their pasture grounds, and on their Pease would lie, Tore up their hedges, rend their pales, and spoilt their garden's grounds, And when they set their dogs at him, would kill their little hounds: When from a high wood issued out both men and dogs apace, And with a cry of mastiff curs did take the Boar in chase, Who stalling set his bristles up, and champed with his chaps, And with his tusks upon the ribs, full many a cur he claps, And over hedge and ditch he goes, and all the chase withstood, And fumes and foams and suuffes as he were master of the wood: But close behind a tree there stood a Huntsman with a dart, Who 'twixt the shoulders and the rib did strike him to the heart: When up the Boar turned both his heels, the Huntsman all came in, And all the mastiffs and the curs did such a cry begin, And such a shout the people made, as if the air had rend, Wherewith I waked, and marvelled what this kind of hunting meant, FINIS.